.
.
I completed the homework to the best of my ability. If I made mistakes, they were not something an office hours visit might have helped, so I did not seek that. It was a good thing, too, probably, as I had a very difficult time getting out of bed this morning. I barely made it up in time to shower and go to class. Traffic was light if rather irksome, so I did make it well enough on time. The quiz beat me up pretty well though. We had a question from notes back on September 12th. Oddly, I had looked that over last night but not well enough for the process to be functional. The other two questions I should at least have gotten fairly well. At least I was there to take it, and with completed homework.
I thought I might take some time off. As I was doing my usual goofing, however, I decided to do more. So, I pulled out my notes from probability and statistics and began copying them. I have copied two days of notes so far. While copying them, I go ahead and do the problems myself, on a separate piece of paper if necessary (if I make a mistake, I re-write the copy, I am a bit of a stickler, so sometimes it is better to be safe than sorry). I suspect I will get through all of those notes before too long, then do the homework assignments from this most recent set of notes, and look over the quizzes if available. I will also be reading through what is coming up in physics. I will probably do the box example problems, kick some of the new formulas around, and play with some of it. I have a week (and a half if you count two weekends) to get my bearings. Sometimes my plans to study work, sometimes they do not. I will not be leaving until Tuesday and will only stay until Friday, so my visit should not interfere too much with my plans.
I am saddened that I will be leaving school. It is demanding, and when doing well, I generally enjoy that. I am usually frustrated with engineering classes as they honestly mean to make it so you cannot do well. Sometimes what would pass for a C is an A, but then again, sometimes an otherwise A is just a C. It depends on the professor, who else is in the class, and a few other variables. I wish I could say I believe the grading is absolutely even, but that I could not say. Between variances in style, requirements, partial points, or just not getting tests back in some classes, there is no way to know. A student could easily be failed out unfairly, and it probably does happen. As I said, how would I know? I do not think that is my problem at all, but when frustrated, it is an easy poison to grab. If I have an enemy, overt enemy, regarding school, I would say that is in the form of certain aspects of the V.A. They want to hang on to their gimps or something.
I may be looking at a newer model Xterra. Though the one I have is fine, I fear they will be ending production. Corporate planning can be highly impacted by temporary and intense situations, like the recent fuel debacle and credit crunch. I fear that those things may create a trend toward cars of little value, if they are cheap on gas. As well, with zero interest and the deals they are offering, I might actually step into a better deal than what I have. I will poke around, due to an invitation, but I am not holding my breath on that. If it costs a plug nickel, to be honest, I will not do the deal.
I would also like to begin packing things. I am, through time, cleaning out and disposing of stuff. The first order of clearing will certainly not be the last, there will probably end up being several evaluations. I plan on taking some of my weights to my Mom’s house while I am heading that way. There are a few other things which might find there way along with me as well. My vehicle is only rated at slightly over 900 pounds, interior, so I have to think about that as well. I am a bit worried about moving in with her. She seems a bit intent on money. I may, instead, just find a very inexpensive boarding house or even stay at the Y somewhere, taking only old clothes and little else, while I try to save, should she become too greedy or too demanding. I have a pretty good idea about what is fair and I have offered more than that. I hate that, but I am not going to pay her rent and utilities while I am there, especially knowing I will barely have a room. (I plan to buy her a laptop so she has no reason to enter my room… if this works out). I will find out more this visit. I will negotiate a very little, I really am not made to negotiate.
I think I will tinker a bit more on the machine and then do a page or two more of notes. Have a good night and weekend.
Friday, November 21, 2008
Thursday, November 20, 2008
I fiddled…
...
while there was work to do.
.
.
I took yesterday off, after the test and my second class. I arrived home just in time for the furnace repair man and my landlord to arrive. This is a duplex and they decided to check both furnaces while they were here, starting with the other apartment. My landlord was as surprised I was home as I was that they were still here, or more just arriving at my place technically. With the furnace working it was difficult for the technician to diagnose a problem. He did give me some idea of what to listen for and showed me where some problem leds where, which I could also check in such a situation. He did some maintenance, cleaning a particular part and checking several others. Still, nothing seemed out of the ordinary making it more of a general check-up.
Then my landlord began working on a kitchen drawer which had become dysfunctional. I had purchased the piece to repair it but I had not gotten around to it. It seemed that it would be really tight work for my big hands and arms as well as my general inability to do more than just barely keep up with what I need to do for school, home, business, and such. He had thought it would be a quick job. I knew better. He was here for a good 3 to 4 hours tinkering with that. He did get it done and did a good job. I offered technical help, occasionally. Sometimes it may have been helpful, sometimes he already knew, but I was not mistaken and did not lead him astray, but mostly I just let him tinker unless he asked for help of some sort or other. Generally, he did not ask for technical help. I only offered it when he kept doing the wrong thing, the wrong way, or made a mistake he had not considered (adding washers to a screw to make it go through the drawer less also added to the length of the screw head which would disable the ability of the device to roll along the track, for example). He still tried it and it still failed, I was just saying. And, I did have some tools which helped the process, my smaller bolt cutters, Dremel, and a few parts (like the washers he insisted on trying, and again after I had suggested he take them off and he did, only to put them back on when I had drifted away… men :P and yeah, I am like that too when I am the worker and not the technical adviser). Anyway, he got the thing done, we had a decent afternoon of occasional chat, and then he headed out.
So, being that it was late, I was exhausted from the test and from the company (having people in my home makes me tired somehow), and just because I felt like it, I took the rest of the day off. Well, I take that back. I needed to do homework for probabilities and statistics. One component of that called for the use of software at the University. I had gotten that to work once through my home computer connected through the internet, then I could not get it to work the next time I tried, so I was not sure I could do it from home. And I was nervous about the work, both technically and then the actual problem(s). So, between tinkering and plunking around the thing, I got to a point where I could explore. It all went so smoothly, once I figured a few things out, and the work was easy, so I just did it. That is the kind of work I like to do. But, I was very nervous about the rest of the homework! It really is somewhat complex, if I have an idea about what we are doing, and a good one, actually doing the work seemed too daunting. I planned on waking up this morning and getting right on it! Urhm, yeah, about that…
After tinkering, messing around, looking at the stupidifier (television, on), eating, then back to tinkering and messing around, it was about time for my nurse to visit (she is back). My weight is down, my blood pressure is pretty darn good (136/85 or so), my blood sugar was up (to 150), and my temp was up (to 97.6, a degree and change high for me). And, of course, we talked. I do not know if she really likes talking or if this is information they somehow use for research or to keep general tabs. I can just see it, “Client # likes beer, rich food, and talking.”, “Client # thinks the V.A. is out to ruin his college career, believes they have given him a placebo, and asked me if I might be involved.”, etc. I really am not worried, I say what I think and pretty much think what I say. I have trimmed what I think, for the very large part, to what can be said. You get here what anyone else gets, for the most part. Anyway, that took me to lunch. And, anyone knows, you cannot work right after eating a meal!
At 20:00, I finally decided to begin trying to do something. But there was one formula on one page (and only given on one page of notes) which I could not find! I sorted, shuffled, searched, and stacked. I went through my file, my back pack, and other papers which might have been near where I had been working. Nothing and I was just about nauseous about it. I looked in the book, but how the book presented it, if that was even the correct formula, was a little too Greek. I thought it might have gotten into my physics notes, so I did the same there. No luck, so I straightened and organized that and put it away again. I went back through everything from probability and statistics, and found it after the second go around. I am not sure when, or if it was set aside the whole time, but I finally found it off to the side. I did the first two problems, and was initially stymied. I just could not get it to work. Back to the notes, and I reread a number of things. Ah, I was using the standard deviation from the problem before and the intended significance level for the other problem I needed to do. I whipped it out, rightly, in no time, once I used the correct data. I just assume I was still a bit wired from searching for that one page (which I still have not needed, and may end up not needing at all, as they have been giving us that information rather than having us work it, so far, arghhhhh!).
I still have a good deal of work to do. I am probably ¼ of the way through, though more like 1/3 the way through if you consider the computer lab component into the equation. And, I feel quite confident I will get it done and right, mostly. But I had to just break down and shove to even get started. Then with the frustration of losing that page, I was not sure. I have been doing poorly on homework, if I even attend on Fridays to hand it in for fear of the quizzes. I have 3 or 4 homeworks not handed in, and with that of course, 3 or 4 quizzes which will be 0’s. Those were from when I was falling. I may ask him if there is something I could do to ensure I do not fail. I cannot ask for exceptional offers, but if doing some projects would keep me from failing if that is the case, then I would do so. Since and before my illness, I made it a rule to be there, with what I have (and to have it done as well as possible). And, I am doing it. This time though, it was just very hard to get started, harder than usual. More work remains, I should stop fiddling.
Oh, no physics tomorrow, so if I need to speak to him about a problem, I will have an hour after office hours to finish. Assuming I can awaken in time for office hours after staying up to do the homework. But the house is warm, I am back on track with this material, I finished my physics test (and studying for that) as well as I honestly could, and I am set to have next week off for Thanksgiving (they give us the whole week now!). I would like to go over some of this material, prep for physics a bit, and enjoy a good meal or two. I will be visiting my Mother and other family and friends in that area. She already has me lined up to do some work, but that is fine. It pleases her so much and it gets her little nest a bit more to her particular liking. It is nice to be the good son, once in a while, now.
I am off and at it again!
while there was work to do.
.
.
I took yesterday off, after the test and my second class. I arrived home just in time for the furnace repair man and my landlord to arrive. This is a duplex and they decided to check both furnaces while they were here, starting with the other apartment. My landlord was as surprised I was home as I was that they were still here, or more just arriving at my place technically. With the furnace working it was difficult for the technician to diagnose a problem. He did give me some idea of what to listen for and showed me where some problem leds where, which I could also check in such a situation. He did some maintenance, cleaning a particular part and checking several others. Still, nothing seemed out of the ordinary making it more of a general check-up.
Then my landlord began working on a kitchen drawer which had become dysfunctional. I had purchased the piece to repair it but I had not gotten around to it. It seemed that it would be really tight work for my big hands and arms as well as my general inability to do more than just barely keep up with what I need to do for school, home, business, and such. He had thought it would be a quick job. I knew better. He was here for a good 3 to 4 hours tinkering with that. He did get it done and did a good job. I offered technical help, occasionally. Sometimes it may have been helpful, sometimes he already knew, but I was not mistaken and did not lead him astray, but mostly I just let him tinker unless he asked for help of some sort or other. Generally, he did not ask for technical help. I only offered it when he kept doing the wrong thing, the wrong way, or made a mistake he had not considered (adding washers to a screw to make it go through the drawer less also added to the length of the screw head which would disable the ability of the device to roll along the track, for example). He still tried it and it still failed, I was just saying. And, I did have some tools which helped the process, my smaller bolt cutters, Dremel, and a few parts (like the washers he insisted on trying, and again after I had suggested he take them off and he did, only to put them back on when I had drifted away… men :P and yeah, I am like that too when I am the worker and not the technical adviser). Anyway, he got the thing done, we had a decent afternoon of occasional chat, and then he headed out.
So, being that it was late, I was exhausted from the test and from the company (having people in my home makes me tired somehow), and just because I felt like it, I took the rest of the day off. Well, I take that back. I needed to do homework for probabilities and statistics. One component of that called for the use of software at the University. I had gotten that to work once through my home computer connected through the internet, then I could not get it to work the next time I tried, so I was not sure I could do it from home. And I was nervous about the work, both technically and then the actual problem(s). So, between tinkering and plunking around the thing, I got to a point where I could explore. It all went so smoothly, once I figured a few things out, and the work was easy, so I just did it. That is the kind of work I like to do. But, I was very nervous about the rest of the homework! It really is somewhat complex, if I have an idea about what we are doing, and a good one, actually doing the work seemed too daunting. I planned on waking up this morning and getting right on it! Urhm, yeah, about that…
After tinkering, messing around, looking at the stupidifier (television, on), eating, then back to tinkering and messing around, it was about time for my nurse to visit (she is back). My weight is down, my blood pressure is pretty darn good (136/85 or so), my blood sugar was up (to 150), and my temp was up (to 97.6, a degree and change high for me). And, of course, we talked. I do not know if she really likes talking or if this is information they somehow use for research or to keep general tabs. I can just see it, “Client # likes beer, rich food, and talking.”, “Client # thinks the V.A. is out to ruin his college career, believes they have given him a placebo, and asked me if I might be involved.”, etc. I really am not worried, I say what I think and pretty much think what I say. I have trimmed what I think, for the very large part, to what can be said. You get here what anyone else gets, for the most part. Anyway, that took me to lunch. And, anyone knows, you cannot work right after eating a meal!
At 20:00, I finally decided to begin trying to do something. But there was one formula on one page (and only given on one page of notes) which I could not find! I sorted, shuffled, searched, and stacked. I went through my file, my back pack, and other papers which might have been near where I had been working. Nothing and I was just about nauseous about it. I looked in the book, but how the book presented it, if that was even the correct formula, was a little too Greek. I thought it might have gotten into my physics notes, so I did the same there. No luck, so I straightened and organized that and put it away again. I went back through everything from probability and statistics, and found it after the second go around. I am not sure when, or if it was set aside the whole time, but I finally found it off to the side. I did the first two problems, and was initially stymied. I just could not get it to work. Back to the notes, and I reread a number of things. Ah, I was using the standard deviation from the problem before and the intended significance level for the other problem I needed to do. I whipped it out, rightly, in no time, once I used the correct data. I just assume I was still a bit wired from searching for that one page (which I still have not needed, and may end up not needing at all, as they have been giving us that information rather than having us work it, so far, arghhhhh!).
I still have a good deal of work to do. I am probably ¼ of the way through, though more like 1/3 the way through if you consider the computer lab component into the equation. And, I feel quite confident I will get it done and right, mostly. But I had to just break down and shove to even get started. Then with the frustration of losing that page, I was not sure. I have been doing poorly on homework, if I even attend on Fridays to hand it in for fear of the quizzes. I have 3 or 4 homeworks not handed in, and with that of course, 3 or 4 quizzes which will be 0’s. Those were from when I was falling. I may ask him if there is something I could do to ensure I do not fail. I cannot ask for exceptional offers, but if doing some projects would keep me from failing if that is the case, then I would do so. Since and before my illness, I made it a rule to be there, with what I have (and to have it done as well as possible). And, I am doing it. This time though, it was just very hard to get started, harder than usual. More work remains, I should stop fiddling.
Oh, no physics tomorrow, so if I need to speak to him about a problem, I will have an hour after office hours to finish. Assuming I can awaken in time for office hours after staying up to do the homework. But the house is warm, I am back on track with this material, I finished my physics test (and studying for that) as well as I honestly could, and I am set to have next week off for Thanksgiving (they give us the whole week now!). I would like to go over some of this material, prep for physics a bit, and enjoy a good meal or two. I will be visiting my Mother and other family and friends in that area. She already has me lined up to do some work, but that is fine. It pleases her so much and it gets her little nest a bit more to her particular liking. It is nice to be the good son, once in a while, now.
I am off and at it again!
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Physics test tomorrow.
.
.
It is still cold in the cave but that is as it is. Study has been going pretty well for the last few days. I have done all of the work at least once, the last few chapters were available just this week so I have only done the work once. The rest of the work has been worked twice already. I have two units left to cover, the last two. We will be testing over 5 units of material and it is material with which I am only partially familiar. The knees ache, actually, from sitting in the only place I have to study. The couch is too low for me but there is no better place. Something would be sore no matter where I studied I think. That much time sitting in any place will cramp some part of the body. It is the price needed. I just hope I can keep enough of this stuff available when the time comes.
I cannot wait for heat tomorrow, hopefully! Though I will be in a test, my landlord indicated that he would be here to let the furnace man in. It has been a frigid week or so. Though I like the cold, I really need to be able to warm up from time to time. A shower helps, but is very short lived and there is that little curve of naked, to wet, to finally warm, to overcome. Waking has also been difficult. I tried using the oven to heat the place but that does no real good oddly. The best bet I have found is having the computer on, me dressed and working, and having the TV on. The TV cannot be on, as even on mute, the pictures suck out my brains. Stupid vile thing, I should give it to her sooner rather than later. So, to study, I have to do without one of my heaters. I think the cold adds to the aches.
I have been missing things, church events, doctors appointments, and such. I call when it is an actual appointment, but otherwise I am just absent. I have also been very sluggish. I think it is partly due to the cold, mostly I am hoping. I have been trying to wake earlier, but I have had little luck with that. It is too cold to just hop out and get going. At least the medicine seems to be working. My blood sugar is down to a respectable 125 fasting and dropping from previous readings. I am not sure about the blood pressure. I have a monitor but I am not sure when the best time to check it is and I have been too busy anyway.
I will be heading to my Mother’s house for Thanksgiving. I need to do something before I go, though there may be time to do it there if I run out of time here. She is not celebrating on Thursday, instead preparations are set for a feast on the Friday. I had hoped not to stay past Thursday but a good meal might be too tempting to pass up. As well, the company is quite good there. I do miss good company, being an old guy on campus. Beer parties and even the typical nature of the young can be a bit daunting or uncomfortable or too much for me. Yes, I am a grumpy old man. But then I sort of like that. I have earned it. There is occasional adult company, just not enough.
Back to studies. It is getting late and I already have a difficult time waking! Goodnight.
.
It is still cold in the cave but that is as it is. Study has been going pretty well for the last few days. I have done all of the work at least once, the last few chapters were available just this week so I have only done the work once. The rest of the work has been worked twice already. I have two units left to cover, the last two. We will be testing over 5 units of material and it is material with which I am only partially familiar. The knees ache, actually, from sitting in the only place I have to study. The couch is too low for me but there is no better place. Something would be sore no matter where I studied I think. That much time sitting in any place will cramp some part of the body. It is the price needed. I just hope I can keep enough of this stuff available when the time comes.
I cannot wait for heat tomorrow, hopefully! Though I will be in a test, my landlord indicated that he would be here to let the furnace man in. It has been a frigid week or so. Though I like the cold, I really need to be able to warm up from time to time. A shower helps, but is very short lived and there is that little curve of naked, to wet, to finally warm, to overcome. Waking has also been difficult. I tried using the oven to heat the place but that does no real good oddly. The best bet I have found is having the computer on, me dressed and working, and having the TV on. The TV cannot be on, as even on mute, the pictures suck out my brains. Stupid vile thing, I should give it to her sooner rather than later. So, to study, I have to do without one of my heaters. I think the cold adds to the aches.
I have been missing things, church events, doctors appointments, and such. I call when it is an actual appointment, but otherwise I am just absent. I have also been very sluggish. I think it is partly due to the cold, mostly I am hoping. I have been trying to wake earlier, but I have had little luck with that. It is too cold to just hop out and get going. At least the medicine seems to be working. My blood sugar is down to a respectable 125 fasting and dropping from previous readings. I am not sure about the blood pressure. I have a monitor but I am not sure when the best time to check it is and I have been too busy anyway.
I will be heading to my Mother’s house for Thanksgiving. I need to do something before I go, though there may be time to do it there if I run out of time here. She is not celebrating on Thursday, instead preparations are set for a feast on the Friday. I had hoped not to stay past Thursday but a good meal might be too tempting to pass up. As well, the company is quite good there. I do miss good company, being an old guy on campus. Beer parties and even the typical nature of the young can be a bit daunting or uncomfortable or too much for me. Yes, I am a grumpy old man. But then I sort of like that. I have earned it. There is occasional adult company, just not enough.
Back to studies. It is getting late and I already have a difficult time waking! Goodnight.
Monday, November 17, 2008
I can be a foolish man.
.
.
My body seems to be in better order than to this point. A week of illness, a bit of drunkenness, and a really cold house, have left me behind some eightballs. It would be really easy to just call it all off, toss out the baby with the bathwater, and head for the nearest hiking trail and keep going. That is not how I work. So, I have made some phone calls, sent a few emails, and continue to work through the difficulties. Failure is an option, quitting is not. An apology was given for some very unwise and unkind words. That is all I can do there, though in the future I should rethink some things. The truth is though that I will be foolish until I rest in final peace, and knowing me, I may find means of being foolish then! I called my landlord and we arranged a time to get the furnace fixed. I was contacted by the V.A. and we have finally made arrangements to deal with the new doctor, medicines, lab needs, and records. And I have started studying again, finally able to do so.
My lady friend came by yesterday. I was still too ill, really, to study. So, she did her laundry, had some food, and watched several movies. She is a big fan of the Lord of the Rings series, so we watched the first two. Thankfully, she came over a little after 14:00. I had just awaken and was still sore from the food the day before. My head was still swimming from the drink, along with a headache. Those seem to be different but slightly related. I had not consumed that much alcohol, however, I have been abstaining almost completely since my life took a dip and as I have been trying to dig my way out. I suppose I became an extreme lightweight, more than ever before that I can remember. Still, I did have a little feast day and enjoyed, I suppose there is sometimes a price for such. She picked up the leg of lamb, which she wished to cook at the cost of splitting. She will be bringing it by tomorrow morning.
What does a man do with his unwise nature? Can he ever leave it behind for good? Why is it such a powerful thing? In any case, I have learned that it exists and that it always will. Given a choice between this and that, 99.999 percent of the time I will pick what is correct in truth (ok, the number is artificially high and ignorance also plays a role, but this is an example). That 0.001 percent of the time, however, I really mess up. I toss grenades at friends, kick my favorite dog for no reason, or kiss the wrong girl. Well, if those are exaggerations the point is made. What, then, am I to do? Some things cannot be corrected. Words written or spoken, deeds done, or other guilt inspiring actions or thoughts cannot be forgotten even if no one else (save God) knows. What I must do is apologize, offer material repair where necessary, and spend some real time considering my sins. Beyond, from my faith, there is a method of giving these up while seeking ultimate forgiveness. Even if all goes well, however, I am left with the simple fact that I am flawed.
I suppose you were hoping for a better answer or a Hollywood ending. I feel that if I wrote such a thing that I would be leading you astray. Believing in ourselves beyond our means of fulfilling that belief leads to real hard times. Belief in any man leads to disaster, the more people involved and the greater the belief of those people, the greater the destruction. Anything else is a Hollywood ending. Look to Hollywood, the stars and starlettes, rock stars, and studio executives to see the truth of that way of thinking. If that is how you wish to lead your life, as so many do, then I suppose that is the way to go. For me I think I will just try to remain humble. As much as that hurts, there are advantages. I hope you can find those advantages and the pleasure of living true… fools. :p
.
My body seems to be in better order than to this point. A week of illness, a bit of drunkenness, and a really cold house, have left me behind some eightballs. It would be really easy to just call it all off, toss out the baby with the bathwater, and head for the nearest hiking trail and keep going. That is not how I work. So, I have made some phone calls, sent a few emails, and continue to work through the difficulties. Failure is an option, quitting is not. An apology was given for some very unwise and unkind words. That is all I can do there, though in the future I should rethink some things. The truth is though that I will be foolish until I rest in final peace, and knowing me, I may find means of being foolish then! I called my landlord and we arranged a time to get the furnace fixed. I was contacted by the V.A. and we have finally made arrangements to deal with the new doctor, medicines, lab needs, and records. And I have started studying again, finally able to do so.
My lady friend came by yesterday. I was still too ill, really, to study. So, she did her laundry, had some food, and watched several movies. She is a big fan of the Lord of the Rings series, so we watched the first two. Thankfully, she came over a little after 14:00. I had just awaken and was still sore from the food the day before. My head was still swimming from the drink, along with a headache. Those seem to be different but slightly related. I had not consumed that much alcohol, however, I have been abstaining almost completely since my life took a dip and as I have been trying to dig my way out. I suppose I became an extreme lightweight, more than ever before that I can remember. Still, I did have a little feast day and enjoyed, I suppose there is sometimes a price for such. She picked up the leg of lamb, which she wished to cook at the cost of splitting. She will be bringing it by tomorrow morning.
What does a man do with his unwise nature? Can he ever leave it behind for good? Why is it such a powerful thing? In any case, I have learned that it exists and that it always will. Given a choice between this and that, 99.999 percent of the time I will pick what is correct in truth (ok, the number is artificially high and ignorance also plays a role, but this is an example). That 0.001 percent of the time, however, I really mess up. I toss grenades at friends, kick my favorite dog for no reason, or kiss the wrong girl. Well, if those are exaggerations the point is made. What, then, am I to do? Some things cannot be corrected. Words written or spoken, deeds done, or other guilt inspiring actions or thoughts cannot be forgotten even if no one else (save God) knows. What I must do is apologize, offer material repair where necessary, and spend some real time considering my sins. Beyond, from my faith, there is a method of giving these up while seeking ultimate forgiveness. Even if all goes well, however, I am left with the simple fact that I am flawed.
I suppose you were hoping for a better answer or a Hollywood ending. I feel that if I wrote such a thing that I would be leading you astray. Believing in ourselves beyond our means of fulfilling that belief leads to real hard times. Belief in any man leads to disaster, the more people involved and the greater the belief of those people, the greater the destruction. Anything else is a Hollywood ending. Look to Hollywood, the stars and starlettes, rock stars, and studio executives to see the truth of that way of thinking. If that is how you wish to lead your life, as so many do, then I suppose that is the way to go. For me I think I will just try to remain humble. As much as that hurts, there are advantages. I hope you can find those advantages and the pleasure of living true… fools. :p
Saturday, November 15, 2008
What, cooking?
.
.
Yeah, I know what I said. I suggested I would not cook again. Yet as I was cleaning out my goods I found food that could not be thrown and needed attending. As well, my stomach was calling for some of the true foods to which it had become accustomed. I am no chef, mind you. I am a killer. I am a brute. I take pain and give death. This is the truth. Still, a woman showed me love and a little life through her demand of food. In the last bits of my life, I offered her a little of myself in such a fashion. And, so, today, I offered myself a bit of that again, and to her. She declined, I enjoyed.
In my freezer remained two of the three last packages of lamb I purchased this spring. A heart and lamb stew meat, frozen but waiting. I found them several days ago while looking through my freezer at my lady’s request. She wished to know if I happened to have a leg of lamb roast, if I did she would cook it for us. I did, but I also had these packages. I decided to cook these in my own way. When I realized there was plenty for two, with how I decided to cook the meat, I called and asked her to join me. She declined, it seems she lives in exhaustion as I do. In any case, I have made my meal and enjoyed it greatly. There is enough left to enjoy at least another sampling.
Lamb stew, as I figure it should be made: A half an onion (of your choice, though sweet is mine), diced into ¼ inch bits, and several (3) skinned slightly crushed garlic cloves, fried in butter (in a cast iron dutch oven); a nice selection of mushrooms (sliced), cooked in butter after the onions; a nice selection of carrots fried as the others; then, the meats, rolled in flour first (I chose unbleached white general flour), topped generously with dried peppermint and tarragon during the frying, then fried in butter in that same dutch oven; finally, once I removed the meats, I deglazed the dutch oven with my favored cabernet sauvignon, to which I added a fine slab of the finest butter I could find (and which I used in the rest of the process, Lurpak, an impoted Dutch butter). Fine, that actually was not the end. Once I had everything cooked, the deglaze (heavy) settled, and had baked my potatoes for a ½ hour, I put everything back in the dutch oven and set the dutch oven into to oven without a cover at 415 F for ½ hour, I then cooled the oven to 350 F and added the lid for another ½ hour. I then set the dutch oven (still covered) out of the oven for ½ hour and let the potatoes finish to a creamy nature. When this was done, I put a meal amount of the stew into a warmed bowl, added a good (giant considering my nature) fistful of raw fresh spinach into the bowl, put a plate above it and place a potato upon the plate. Once that had cooled for ten minutes, I then prepared the potato my favored way (split, buttered, with sour cream). After the potato was prepared, I added fresh whole whipping cream to my stew, stirred it, and waited another five minutes for the stew to settle, the spinach to finish, the flavors and cream to finish, and the potato to cool.
In the meanwhile, I did consume some of that wine, that which was left over of course, being careful to save enough for a solid sampling during the actual consumption of the meal (along with a glass of milk). Oh, and I did sample some beer as well. The wine pushed my thirst, yet to save some of my wine, I needed to slake that thirst on another course of fluid consumption. One must do what one must. In any case, the meal was a delight. I had wished to share it, however, having more for later is no terrible thing in itself.
Oh, should you ever wish to understand how I see women, life, and much else, watch “The Shootist”. I know it is near my time. I have enough, in a small place, to enjoy what I can of time and love. And, so I will. Further, I know that I am beyond my place and time here. I am going to try to do something here before I go. I will need to speak to my professors and perhaps others in the college, but my time, too, has come. I wish I had the strength for what is to come. I wish I could push on through. But the truth is, my time has come. I might have something exciting left. There might be a few things more to see. There might be a few more people to meet and converse with. But, I know deep inside, my time has come, and gone.
.
Yeah, I know what I said. I suggested I would not cook again. Yet as I was cleaning out my goods I found food that could not be thrown and needed attending. As well, my stomach was calling for some of the true foods to which it had become accustomed. I am no chef, mind you. I am a killer. I am a brute. I take pain and give death. This is the truth. Still, a woman showed me love and a little life through her demand of food. In the last bits of my life, I offered her a little of myself in such a fashion. And, so, today, I offered myself a bit of that again, and to her. She declined, I enjoyed.
In my freezer remained two of the three last packages of lamb I purchased this spring. A heart and lamb stew meat, frozen but waiting. I found them several days ago while looking through my freezer at my lady’s request. She wished to know if I happened to have a leg of lamb roast, if I did she would cook it for us. I did, but I also had these packages. I decided to cook these in my own way. When I realized there was plenty for two, with how I decided to cook the meat, I called and asked her to join me. She declined, it seems she lives in exhaustion as I do. In any case, I have made my meal and enjoyed it greatly. There is enough left to enjoy at least another sampling.
Lamb stew, as I figure it should be made: A half an onion (of your choice, though sweet is mine), diced into ¼ inch bits, and several (3) skinned slightly crushed garlic cloves, fried in butter (in a cast iron dutch oven); a nice selection of mushrooms (sliced), cooked in butter after the onions; a nice selection of carrots fried as the others; then, the meats, rolled in flour first (I chose unbleached white general flour), topped generously with dried peppermint and tarragon during the frying, then fried in butter in that same dutch oven; finally, once I removed the meats, I deglazed the dutch oven with my favored cabernet sauvignon, to which I added a fine slab of the finest butter I could find (and which I used in the rest of the process, Lurpak, an impoted Dutch butter). Fine, that actually was not the end. Once I had everything cooked, the deglaze (heavy) settled, and had baked my potatoes for a ½ hour, I put everything back in the dutch oven and set the dutch oven into to oven without a cover at 415 F for ½ hour, I then cooled the oven to 350 F and added the lid for another ½ hour. I then set the dutch oven (still covered) out of the oven for ½ hour and let the potatoes finish to a creamy nature. When this was done, I put a meal amount of the stew into a warmed bowl, added a good (giant considering my nature) fistful of raw fresh spinach into the bowl, put a plate above it and place a potato upon the plate. Once that had cooled for ten minutes, I then prepared the potato my favored way (split, buttered, with sour cream). After the potato was prepared, I added fresh whole whipping cream to my stew, stirred it, and waited another five minutes for the stew to settle, the spinach to finish, the flavors and cream to finish, and the potato to cool.
In the meanwhile, I did consume some of that wine, that which was left over of course, being careful to save enough for a solid sampling during the actual consumption of the meal (along with a glass of milk). Oh, and I did sample some beer as well. The wine pushed my thirst, yet to save some of my wine, I needed to slake that thirst on another course of fluid consumption. One must do what one must. In any case, the meal was a delight. I had wished to share it, however, having more for later is no terrible thing in itself.
Oh, should you ever wish to understand how I see women, life, and much else, watch “The Shootist”. I know it is near my time. I have enough, in a small place, to enjoy what I can of time and love. And, so I will. Further, I know that I am beyond my place and time here. I am going to try to do something here before I go. I will need to speak to my professors and perhaps others in the college, but my time, too, has come. I wish I had the strength for what is to come. I wish I could push on through. But the truth is, my time has come. I might have something exciting left. There might be a few things more to see. There might be a few more people to meet and converse with. But, I know deep inside, my time has come, and gone.
Friday, November 14, 2008
Finally!
.
.
I think I am over whatever was plaguing me. I was able to eat twice without the special effects, my fever and such have abated completely, and my stomach feels mostly healthy again. Of course, now I cannot get my place to warm above 66 F. It has made waking up much more difficult. I like it 66 F or cooler for sleeping, but I have the programmable thermostat set to warm the cave as I try to awaken. I have found that, generally, it helps. Everything that helps, when one is diseased with unnatural exhaustion, is used. I have been too sick to deal with the landlord so that is on my list of things to do. Still, everything else is working fine, and now that I am well and the medicine is still working, I will deal with this too.
I have been going through things, beginning my sorting and throwing. I have a lot of junk mixed in with my stuff. I try this, or am given that, and it just sits. I use so little of what I have it is ridiculous. Then again, some of the things I do not use often I enjoy having. My collection of fountain pens for example. I used to use them to take notes. I no longer do that for no other reason than that as school started this year, I was busy falling into extreme exhaustion and did not set up my standard lot. I will begin using them exclusively in the new future, for whatever reason I have need of pen and ink. Though some of them are rarely used. Not that they are extremely expensive, unless you compare them to a BIC or something. Many things, though, will go. I will probably even give away my big high-def tv. It is large, though not flat-screen. It is far better than what a friend has, and she has enjoyed using it here while mentioning her marvel at the thing (which I barely notice). I will be glad to be rid of the thing anyway. TV is trash, good movies are rare or I have seen them too many times, and she would appreciate it. Hmmm, she got my old TV too, lucky dame. She will get much of what I am giving.
She recommended a sale, but I do not wish to allow people to trample through my cave, essentially stealing my goods then trying to bargain even that down. I do not care for nor need the aggravation for at most a few hundred dollars. The Church, Goodwill, or some such will be happy to receive some items and clothing, I am quite sure. I am quite nervous about how to get rid of enough to travel well and easily without cutting myself too thin. There is more than just living, there is a bit of myself in some of that, my style, tastes, and some luxury of existence. As usual, some balance is necessary.
I did make it in to see my professor today. Though I could not get through the homework after, as I had thought, and in part due to my later arrival due to the temperature thing, I did get much of it down and found my difficulty. Using the Z-tables can be tricky, and I became rusty. I was doing the work just fine, I just could not use the table correctly (which I still need to work on). I am a bit embarrassed. The material is easier, if not easy. I have a physics test Wednesday, and I am a bit nervous. We have covered a lot of material. The material is a bit more complex then before. I will need to put in some work on all of it this weekend.
Bit by bit, I am working my way through school and my other plans. Though life has not been easy, it will not suddenly become easier just because I am not in school. Further, if I do not push, I will become a permanent invalid. I am not sure I have that in me, so either I will have to dig deeper somehow or I will need to put myself in a position or under the influence of someone or something that can dig deeper. There are risks there, I see them plainly. I do well under pressure and I am a survivor. The thing is, can my survivor instinct overcome my disability? Can I put myself into that situation in the first place? Then again, if I am out and about and freeze to death because I really am too ill, so long as I do not quit, I think I will be good with that.
Oh, did I mention, I plan on starting one new hobby. I have been looking into black and white photography, viewing cameras, and discussing darkroom construction. I think it could give me a great deal of pleasure, a new way and reason to look around me a bit, and a great reason to be outdoors. As well, it would offer me an artistic opportunity, one that has otherwise not appeared for me to this point. Though it is an expense while I am trying to cut costs and looking at other expenses, it has been on my mind for a long time. Anyway…
.
I think I am over whatever was plaguing me. I was able to eat twice without the special effects, my fever and such have abated completely, and my stomach feels mostly healthy again. Of course, now I cannot get my place to warm above 66 F. It has made waking up much more difficult. I like it 66 F or cooler for sleeping, but I have the programmable thermostat set to warm the cave as I try to awaken. I have found that, generally, it helps. Everything that helps, when one is diseased with unnatural exhaustion, is used. I have been too sick to deal with the landlord so that is on my list of things to do. Still, everything else is working fine, and now that I am well and the medicine is still working, I will deal with this too.
I have been going through things, beginning my sorting and throwing. I have a lot of junk mixed in with my stuff. I try this, or am given that, and it just sits. I use so little of what I have it is ridiculous. Then again, some of the things I do not use often I enjoy having. My collection of fountain pens for example. I used to use them to take notes. I no longer do that for no other reason than that as school started this year, I was busy falling into extreme exhaustion and did not set up my standard lot. I will begin using them exclusively in the new future, for whatever reason I have need of pen and ink. Though some of them are rarely used. Not that they are extremely expensive, unless you compare them to a BIC or something. Many things, though, will go. I will probably even give away my big high-def tv. It is large, though not flat-screen. It is far better than what a friend has, and she has enjoyed using it here while mentioning her marvel at the thing (which I barely notice). I will be glad to be rid of the thing anyway. TV is trash, good movies are rare or I have seen them too many times, and she would appreciate it. Hmmm, she got my old TV too, lucky dame. She will get much of what I am giving.
She recommended a sale, but I do not wish to allow people to trample through my cave, essentially stealing my goods then trying to bargain even that down. I do not care for nor need the aggravation for at most a few hundred dollars. The Church, Goodwill, or some such will be happy to receive some items and clothing, I am quite sure. I am quite nervous about how to get rid of enough to travel well and easily without cutting myself too thin. There is more than just living, there is a bit of myself in some of that, my style, tastes, and some luxury of existence. As usual, some balance is necessary.
I did make it in to see my professor today. Though I could not get through the homework after, as I had thought, and in part due to my later arrival due to the temperature thing, I did get much of it down and found my difficulty. Using the Z-tables can be tricky, and I became rusty. I was doing the work just fine, I just could not use the table correctly (which I still need to work on). I am a bit embarrassed. The material is easier, if not easy. I have a physics test Wednesday, and I am a bit nervous. We have covered a lot of material. The material is a bit more complex then before. I will need to put in some work on all of it this weekend.
Bit by bit, I am working my way through school and my other plans. Though life has not been easy, it will not suddenly become easier just because I am not in school. Further, if I do not push, I will become a permanent invalid. I am not sure I have that in me, so either I will have to dig deeper somehow or I will need to put myself in a position or under the influence of someone or something that can dig deeper. There are risks there, I see them plainly. I do well under pressure and I am a survivor. The thing is, can my survivor instinct overcome my disability? Can I put myself into that situation in the first place? Then again, if I am out and about and freeze to death because I really am too ill, so long as I do not quit, I think I will be good with that.
Oh, did I mention, I plan on starting one new hobby. I have been looking into black and white photography, viewing cameras, and discussing darkroom construction. I think it could give me a great deal of pleasure, a new way and reason to look around me a bit, and a great reason to be outdoors. As well, it would offer me an artistic opportunity, one that has otherwise not appeared for me to this point. Though it is an expense while I am trying to cut costs and looking at other expenses, it has been on my mind for a long time. Anyway…
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Tough days.
.
.
My furnace seems to be broken. It keeps clicking on and off without warming the place. At 66 degrees, it is a bit chilly. I suppose I should shower then put on some clothes, it might help some. School just took a leap. The professor indicated class would become easier. It has not. Now, not even with the book and notes can I solve the homework problems. The quizzes and tests will become abysmal, well, more abysmal. I guess that is how it goes. I have a physics test coming up too. I have been studying, but it is a lot of material and rather tricky. I am doing better in physics but that can change. I will just do what I can do and hope for the best.
I am beginning to sort things here in the cave. I have gone through my dry and canned goods, tossing most. Some of it is too old, some of it is too arcane (or already opened) to be offered to a food bank, so it must go. I intend to cook very little, if at all, between now and the time I leave. I will begin going through other rooms as well. Bit by bit, games, books, clothes, and equipment will have to be sorted, much of it to be tossed or given away. I will be keeping about a quarter of my clothes, most of my bedding, most of my equipment and cooking gear, and some of my electronics. I would guess I will be tossing or giving out ¾ of what I own, and good riddance. I suppose I could have hoped for a house fire, but that sounds more complicated than not.
The illness remains, if slightly lesser today. My stomach, when not in pain, feels as if I have a weight in it. It is like I just ate a huge steak. It feels full and tight. When I eat on top of it, I get the, of late, usual results. I guess this is just life.
I am surprised we have not been hit by winter yet. We have had two snows. One lasted less than it took to land and was of a short duration. The other was a longer duration but to the same effect. It has been cool, but not cold or frigid yet. I am expecting a very cold winter, truth be told. It was not just what I have heard, I just have a feeling about things (which is probably as wrong as often as it is right, for all I know). Then again, I never really check mean temperatures, snow fall, or actual parameters after a winter has passed in any case. A bad winter is a feeling more than a measurement of any kind. Being that they are subjective, comparisons are difficult. Some of that is fair, however. Though, for example, the temperatures for one winter are actually higher, all around, than another winter, if the cooler winter is actually more stable and slow to change temperature, the warmer winter may actually be harsher from the human and animal aspect. For a more explicit example, if one winter is 30F average, but drops from 40 to 20 in moment or hours, and can flip back and forth frequently and quickly, illness and discomfort would increase in my opinion. While a winter that is 25F average, but never changes temperature quickly or often would be better, as I could adjust more readily. Urhm, that is, within certain parameters. A 30F average variable winter versus a -20F… no, -40F winter, I would take the first. Anyway.
I best get back to studies. I will not be able to get much on the one class, but that seems to be the way it is supposed to be. Perhaps they want us to congregate and work together on this stuff, find outside sources, or something. I have no such capacity, so I have to take my lumps. I do not think we were given the homework in time for me to go in to office hours yesterday. I will go in tomorrow, but it will be too late to help as it is right before my first class and then I have that class right after that. It could help with the quiz, though I doubt that too. Oh well, such is engineering school. At least I do not have 4 or 5 of these classes.
.
My furnace seems to be broken. It keeps clicking on and off without warming the place. At 66 degrees, it is a bit chilly. I suppose I should shower then put on some clothes, it might help some. School just took a leap. The professor indicated class would become easier. It has not. Now, not even with the book and notes can I solve the homework problems. The quizzes and tests will become abysmal, well, more abysmal. I guess that is how it goes. I have a physics test coming up too. I have been studying, but it is a lot of material and rather tricky. I am doing better in physics but that can change. I will just do what I can do and hope for the best.
I am beginning to sort things here in the cave. I have gone through my dry and canned goods, tossing most. Some of it is too old, some of it is too arcane (or already opened) to be offered to a food bank, so it must go. I intend to cook very little, if at all, between now and the time I leave. I will begin going through other rooms as well. Bit by bit, games, books, clothes, and equipment will have to be sorted, much of it to be tossed or given away. I will be keeping about a quarter of my clothes, most of my bedding, most of my equipment and cooking gear, and some of my electronics. I would guess I will be tossing or giving out ¾ of what I own, and good riddance. I suppose I could have hoped for a house fire, but that sounds more complicated than not.
The illness remains, if slightly lesser today. My stomach, when not in pain, feels as if I have a weight in it. It is like I just ate a huge steak. It feels full and tight. When I eat on top of it, I get the, of late, usual results. I guess this is just life.
I am surprised we have not been hit by winter yet. We have had two snows. One lasted less than it took to land and was of a short duration. The other was a longer duration but to the same effect. It has been cool, but not cold or frigid yet. I am expecting a very cold winter, truth be told. It was not just what I have heard, I just have a feeling about things (which is probably as wrong as often as it is right, for all I know). Then again, I never really check mean temperatures, snow fall, or actual parameters after a winter has passed in any case. A bad winter is a feeling more than a measurement of any kind. Being that they are subjective, comparisons are difficult. Some of that is fair, however. Though, for example, the temperatures for one winter are actually higher, all around, than another winter, if the cooler winter is actually more stable and slow to change temperature, the warmer winter may actually be harsher from the human and animal aspect. For a more explicit example, if one winter is 30F average, but drops from 40 to 20 in moment or hours, and can flip back and forth frequently and quickly, illness and discomfort would increase in my opinion. While a winter that is 25F average, but never changes temperature quickly or often would be better, as I could adjust more readily. Urhm, that is, within certain parameters. A 30F average variable winter versus a -20F… no, -40F winter, I would take the first. Anyway.
I best get back to studies. I will not be able to get much on the one class, but that seems to be the way it is supposed to be. Perhaps they want us to congregate and work together on this stuff, find outside sources, or something. I have no such capacity, so I have to take my lumps. I do not think we were given the homework in time for me to go in to office hours yesterday. I will go in tomorrow, but it will be too late to help as it is right before my first class and then I have that class right after that. It could help with the quiz, though I doubt that too. Oh well, such is engineering school. At least I do not have 4 or 5 of these classes.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Annoying? Yeah, I think that is the word.
.
.
Life has been going better. I have more time available to study, which I do, and more time to tend to standard needs. Laundry is kept up, no rush to clean all my clothes or wear something unclean. The kitchen is kept up, for the most part. Though I use the kitchen little these days there is still some work as even a little use, over time, adds up to a mess. As well, I have been keeping my appointments and trying to figure out how to do the rest of what I want to do. I may need to travel over the Thanksgiving Holidays to do some of the work, and I will need to do a bit of prep work for that, but things are moving. I am also, a person, an institution, and a business at a time, informing that I intend to end school and then move.
My health is odd. Though I am more functional, my kidneys, along with some other odd internals, feel rough. I feel like I have been in a boxing match with someone who did not know the rules. My feet, as always, hurt constantly. Wherever I go, I may have to see if they will do corrective surgery. The feet need it but this hospital had arranged to do the surgery but they just ignored me when I told them not to set the operation up right before classes started (I let them know a year and a half in advance). Beyond that, after they set it up for 3 days before the start of classes last spring, I told my doctor then and in person, and again a week before the event by phone (they still had me listed as going in), that I would not be there (because, as I had said several times, classes were set to start right about then). They did not mark me off their schedule in spite of my warnings and so someone was angry that I was not there for the pre-surgery screening and surgery the day after. Either they are consciously sabotaging my plans and goals, incompetent, or using this as a method of cost cutting (it not only saves on the cost of the surgery but also gives them a means of explaining why they will not offer me services in the future (a no-show gets little attention)).
Classes have been difficult lately. It has not been the material (though the work can be challenging, that is the fun part). The difficulty has been that the work, as I have become better, has become interesting and fun again. Even if I do not test well, I do understand the basics (of most) of the material. And, I really like tinkering with it as I can. Memorizing is the least fun part, but even that is not all bad. The part that is fun is filling out an idea and wrapping it into other ideas. I will never be a true master but I do enjoy the ride. What is so bad about finally enjoying classes again, you might and fairly ask? The problem is that I know these are the last classes I will attend. Some say you never realize what you have lost until it is gone. For me that is not true. I know now what I have lost. So, I will enjoy this time as richly as I may.
Hmm, by the way, I smell war. We are on the brink. We are so close that a wrong blink, a firework, a push or a shove, and bang… it will begin. Perhaps it is already forming. No, it has formed it just has not started. Americans may well learn why we have tried to keep war distant. Perhaps a people with too much blatant but ignorant pride must go through this in order to re-adjust their understanding of real self-worth, their actual value, real rights and the reasons for them, find a purpose, and begin again in humility. It will be an ugly thing if it comes. No one will be able to remain ignorant or neutral. Relativity would be flushed. The scars will never fade. If it happens that is. I can smell it on the wind, I can feel it in my bones, I know it is so close, so possible. We might find out, to some degree, just what weapons are still held on high. They are terrible indeed.
Oh, to those of you who read this, those I spoke of before… Never worry, I do not mind you reading here or such! I wrote this to be read. I was just a bit surprised that anyone at the U. would read here. I find my posts to be boring, for the most part. I just write to spill out thoughts and ideas, real, imagined, and potential prognostication. Though knowing I was read locally, at first, made me a bit nervous, I got over that quickly. Since I have not been shot, arrested (so far), been failed in my classes, or such, I am good with the rest of it, even if you think me silly. If you have any questions, even a jab (keep it civil though), comment (anonymously if need be). Do not now try to hide from me. It is too awfully funny, in a nice way, when you attempt to do that at this point. I now know.
…too funny
.
Life has been going better. I have more time available to study, which I do, and more time to tend to standard needs. Laundry is kept up, no rush to clean all my clothes or wear something unclean. The kitchen is kept up, for the most part. Though I use the kitchen little these days there is still some work as even a little use, over time, adds up to a mess. As well, I have been keeping my appointments and trying to figure out how to do the rest of what I want to do. I may need to travel over the Thanksgiving Holidays to do some of the work, and I will need to do a bit of prep work for that, but things are moving. I am also, a person, an institution, and a business at a time, informing that I intend to end school and then move.
My health is odd. Though I am more functional, my kidneys, along with some other odd internals, feel rough. I feel like I have been in a boxing match with someone who did not know the rules. My feet, as always, hurt constantly. Wherever I go, I may have to see if they will do corrective surgery. The feet need it but this hospital had arranged to do the surgery but they just ignored me when I told them not to set the operation up right before classes started (I let them know a year and a half in advance). Beyond that, after they set it up for 3 days before the start of classes last spring, I told my doctor then and in person, and again a week before the event by phone (they still had me listed as going in), that I would not be there (because, as I had said several times, classes were set to start right about then). They did not mark me off their schedule in spite of my warnings and so someone was angry that I was not there for the pre-surgery screening and surgery the day after. Either they are consciously sabotaging my plans and goals, incompetent, or using this as a method of cost cutting (it not only saves on the cost of the surgery but also gives them a means of explaining why they will not offer me services in the future (a no-show gets little attention)).
Classes have been difficult lately. It has not been the material (though the work can be challenging, that is the fun part). The difficulty has been that the work, as I have become better, has become interesting and fun again. Even if I do not test well, I do understand the basics (of most) of the material. And, I really like tinkering with it as I can. Memorizing is the least fun part, but even that is not all bad. The part that is fun is filling out an idea and wrapping it into other ideas. I will never be a true master but I do enjoy the ride. What is so bad about finally enjoying classes again, you might and fairly ask? The problem is that I know these are the last classes I will attend. Some say you never realize what you have lost until it is gone. For me that is not true. I know now what I have lost. So, I will enjoy this time as richly as I may.
Hmm, by the way, I smell war. We are on the brink. We are so close that a wrong blink, a firework, a push or a shove, and bang… it will begin. Perhaps it is already forming. No, it has formed it just has not started. Americans may well learn why we have tried to keep war distant. Perhaps a people with too much blatant but ignorant pride must go through this in order to re-adjust their understanding of real self-worth, their actual value, real rights and the reasons for them, find a purpose, and begin again in humility. It will be an ugly thing if it comes. No one will be able to remain ignorant or neutral. Relativity would be flushed. The scars will never fade. If it happens that is. I can smell it on the wind, I can feel it in my bones, I know it is so close, so possible. We might find out, to some degree, just what weapons are still held on high. They are terrible indeed.
Oh, to those of you who read this, those I spoke of before… Never worry, I do not mind you reading here or such! I wrote this to be read. I was just a bit surprised that anyone at the U. would read here. I find my posts to be boring, for the most part. I just write to spill out thoughts and ideas, real, imagined, and potential prognostication. Though knowing I was read locally, at first, made me a bit nervous, I got over that quickly. Since I have not been shot, arrested (so far), been failed in my classes, or such, I am good with the rest of it, even if you think me silly. If you have any questions, even a jab (keep it civil though), comment (anonymously if need be). Do not now try to hide from me. It is too awfully funny, in a nice way, when you attempt to do that at this point. I now know.
…too funny
Sunday, November 9, 2008
A busy Saturday.
.
.
I had hoped to study yesterday and today but friends needed help yesterday. I was asked to “help” my lady friend stay up yesterday. She suggested I bring a movie and maybe some food. What she really meant was that she needed help moving things down from her little upper floor so that she could clean it today. In any case, I did bring food (very little of it was interesting to her, or as it ended up, me). The movies I brought were of little interest either. I went for something new, of which there was little of interest. All of it was either too scary for her, was too political for me, or both. So, I went with something I had only heard by name but knew nothing about. A supposed comedy. I also picked an older movie we have both seen but which was interesting. The movies, Zohan and The Sixth Sense. She had little interest in the old scary movie, so we put in Zohan. It was as political as the rest, raunchier than either of us cared for (we assumed the first scene of such nature was a massage, but no). It was a grotesquery of modernist sentiment. In spite of her liberalism she does have serious limits, moral codes (which I cannot see or understand, I think they flex and change a bit, and they are sort of feminist based I think?), and she prefers the subtle immorality of older Hollywood style, say back to the 40’s and 50’s type movies. As for me, I am conservative back to the Old Testament or something, honestly. If I fail to live within that completely it is my goal. It is quite difficult in this world. Anyway, Zohan seems to describe the conglomerate worldview which allowed Obama and McCain to even be on the various tickets.
The movie ended up being ignored while we went to work. I watched bits of it between moving the books, boxes, clothes, and asunder she handed down (giving me explicit directions for the placement of each item or group of items… she amazes me in this way sometimes). The movie seemed to indicate that the world comes down to Jews and Arabs against rich white people and rednecks. Perhaps they all became friends in the end, if I missed it, it was not a loss (missing any of the movie would not be chalked up as a loss by myself). From the movie, I realize I am pretty much too old fashioned for this world. What seems to be what our elites and pop-culture see and understand is so far outside of my worldview that I am no longer a member of what I had thought was my community. I understand that I no longer belong, and further, I have no interest in belonging. My nation may or may not have died, but to me, either I have changed or it has changed beyond repair. It was good, however, to see even a liberal balk at the affront by the movie. But she, too, is older though. Our time is done, her side has won, yet I think she is, if slowly, understanding the destruction of her win. She also seems a bit troubled at my decision to back away from everything. She is surprised that I see no way back to morality, ethics, freedom, or such. I think she had counted on me and mine always fighting and perhaps holding her and her’s passions in check. She is not sure what to do without resistance. She will have to learn. Most of this came in small snippets, all of it without anger. I was not trying to press her buttons, just letting her know. And asking her what she sees.
In any case, we were able to do her work, to her demanding expectations, in short order. She was quite pleased. So, I was pleased. I will have to, before the week is out, call and see if she finished her task. I always like receiving the rest of the story.
I have been asked to help at Church. A friend of mine sets up before church and does so every week. He sometimes needs to travel, and would like to take time off from time to time in any case. So, he has asked me to learn what he does so that I can take over from time to time. I had agreed to this before I realized I had lost my chance at school, therefore before I had decided to move. I am going in and learning, as I have not yet figured how to break the news. I have one hope, I know someone who is new to the area who might be able to fill in for me. I must ask that, but I have been a bit nervous about it. Other than that, there is nothing I can do. I am set to leave here in January to March, if a couple of variables may be attended. That finished up my Saturday. I was not able to study when I returned home. Still, it was an excellent Saturday.
When one door closes, looking around causes one to realize how many doors there really are. It is too much to consider at one time. There is a whole world out there, if it is not as interesting or challenging (or so it seems from here and now). And, I know all the other doors more quickly lead to decline. My time, for the most part, is over. I am not able to be consistently useful. So, what is left to me is to try and simply enjoy and explore life itself. On the other hand, I do have some gear for beginning that, and some interests to begin using that gear and other equipment. My knowledge and certainty of ability and capacity are what need to be expanded and tested at this point. Who knows what is out there? As well, there is no reason I cannot keep exploring and learning the sciences and math. Though it is a bit more difficult to do on my own, at least from the books I have seen. It is not impossible to some degree though. Such is life.
.
I had hoped to study yesterday and today but friends needed help yesterday. I was asked to “help” my lady friend stay up yesterday. She suggested I bring a movie and maybe some food. What she really meant was that she needed help moving things down from her little upper floor so that she could clean it today. In any case, I did bring food (very little of it was interesting to her, or as it ended up, me). The movies I brought were of little interest either. I went for something new, of which there was little of interest. All of it was either too scary for her, was too political for me, or both. So, I went with something I had only heard by name but knew nothing about. A supposed comedy. I also picked an older movie we have both seen but which was interesting. The movies, Zohan and The Sixth Sense. She had little interest in the old scary movie, so we put in Zohan. It was as political as the rest, raunchier than either of us cared for (we assumed the first scene of such nature was a massage, but no). It was a grotesquery of modernist sentiment. In spite of her liberalism she does have serious limits, moral codes (which I cannot see or understand, I think they flex and change a bit, and they are sort of feminist based I think?), and she prefers the subtle immorality of older Hollywood style, say back to the 40’s and 50’s type movies. As for me, I am conservative back to the Old Testament or something, honestly. If I fail to live within that completely it is my goal. It is quite difficult in this world. Anyway, Zohan seems to describe the conglomerate worldview which allowed Obama and McCain to even be on the various tickets.
The movie ended up being ignored while we went to work. I watched bits of it between moving the books, boxes, clothes, and asunder she handed down (giving me explicit directions for the placement of each item or group of items… she amazes me in this way sometimes). The movie seemed to indicate that the world comes down to Jews and Arabs against rich white people and rednecks. Perhaps they all became friends in the end, if I missed it, it was not a loss (missing any of the movie would not be chalked up as a loss by myself). From the movie, I realize I am pretty much too old fashioned for this world. What seems to be what our elites and pop-culture see and understand is so far outside of my worldview that I am no longer a member of what I had thought was my community. I understand that I no longer belong, and further, I have no interest in belonging. My nation may or may not have died, but to me, either I have changed or it has changed beyond repair. It was good, however, to see even a liberal balk at the affront by the movie. But she, too, is older though. Our time is done, her side has won, yet I think she is, if slowly, understanding the destruction of her win. She also seems a bit troubled at my decision to back away from everything. She is surprised that I see no way back to morality, ethics, freedom, or such. I think she had counted on me and mine always fighting and perhaps holding her and her’s passions in check. She is not sure what to do without resistance. She will have to learn. Most of this came in small snippets, all of it without anger. I was not trying to press her buttons, just letting her know. And asking her what she sees.
In any case, we were able to do her work, to her demanding expectations, in short order. She was quite pleased. So, I was pleased. I will have to, before the week is out, call and see if she finished her task. I always like receiving the rest of the story.
I have been asked to help at Church. A friend of mine sets up before church and does so every week. He sometimes needs to travel, and would like to take time off from time to time in any case. So, he has asked me to learn what he does so that I can take over from time to time. I had agreed to this before I realized I had lost my chance at school, therefore before I had decided to move. I am going in and learning, as I have not yet figured how to break the news. I have one hope, I know someone who is new to the area who might be able to fill in for me. I must ask that, but I have been a bit nervous about it. Other than that, there is nothing I can do. I am set to leave here in January to March, if a couple of variables may be attended. That finished up my Saturday. I was not able to study when I returned home. Still, it was an excellent Saturday.
When one door closes, looking around causes one to realize how many doors there really are. It is too much to consider at one time. There is a whole world out there, if it is not as interesting or challenging (or so it seems from here and now). And, I know all the other doors more quickly lead to decline. My time, for the most part, is over. I am not able to be consistently useful. So, what is left to me is to try and simply enjoy and explore life itself. On the other hand, I do have some gear for beginning that, and some interests to begin using that gear and other equipment. My knowledge and certainty of ability and capacity are what need to be expanded and tested at this point. Who knows what is out there? As well, there is no reason I cannot keep exploring and learning the sciences and math. Though it is a bit more difficult to do on my own, at least from the books I have seen. It is not impossible to some degree though. Such is life.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Working as hard as I can.
.
.
I visited my therapist again today. I think she was surprised at some of what I was saying. I think she approves of my attitude. In spite of tough times, I did quite well. Instead of quitting or worse, becoming suicidal, I found help. I worked every angle available to me and finally went outside and on my own nickel to find medical care. And then when that worked even if partially, I was able to climb out of that hole a bit. In 3 days I studied a months worth of work and got within 3 or 4 points of the average. Okay, so I am not brilliant. But I am honest and diligent when able. As I said, I could not fail that exam even if that was the score. That I did not score too awfully is only something additional. It took me years to get to this level, further, I would not be here without school.
I did push a bit hard in studying and taking the exam, and it is showing. I am having a difficult time regaining my composure and beginning my studies again. Staying up that long on less than I need to generally stay up more than 12 hours has put me in a bit of a spin, and the headache is back. I will work my way out of it, this is not as bad as it was, and it is not even a migraine. If I could just stay awake and concentrate, school would not be a problem. I have homework due tomorrow along with our usual quiz. I will do what I can. I am hoping this weekend will allow me both rest and time to catch up in physics and maintain what I can with the other class.
Oh, I am beginning to wonder if my professors are reading this blog. It is not impossible. A google search of the class, or some other parameters, might bring them to these pages. As well, I have a friend who used to be a physics grad student here. He knows who he is, maybe he still has links here and things get around? I just wonder about some things. I am a bit nervous about writing everything (nothing bad really). But, I can only guess that some things that have happened have had something to do with what is written here. Of course, that might just be typical paranoia and the changing moods of people. People are more variable than the wind, for good and ill. It does add a little spice to life. Still, I do wonder. There might, as well, be a student or three, here at the U, in my classes, that reads this. There is just something strange about how certain people seem to know me. At least they have not laughed at me, or that I have seen.
School looks to be over after this semester. Though I enjoy it immensely, my health seems to decline when going. It could be the stress, or of course, the world colluding to get me to quit. Oh, hush. Just because I hiss and fuss does not mean I believe it all, mostly, or all of the time, or such. Cheaters? I am sure there are some. But they are the minority. Most likely they will be found as such before too long. A ruined academic run or career awaits. Most of the students I know are hardworking layabouts. Yes, they work when they can and do what they are able, just like me. Some are better, some are worse, most all are raw geeks trying to make it through a tough degree field sane and educated.
I spoke with my mother. It seems I might be welcome to stay the winter. It would allow me to cut about $800 to $900 out of my monthly expenses, and that is with me being generous to her. I have a good idea where most of that will go, of course. I might be able to be well kitted by the time I head West. We spoke about a number of these things. As she said, she cannot find these answers for me, but she can support me in some ways and as she can. Living with her is tough at times, but life has been better for both of us for some time and even better between us for longer. As well, I plan to be out of the house a good deal. Skiing, hiking, shooting, hunting, and fishing will fill what of my time I am able to coax out of these old bones. I might have to, after a few other things are settled, get a new computer as well. This time using a router. I might tinker with this old machine to see if I can clear it, then leave it for her as it is far better than what she has. A reloader, some guns, a goodly number of magazines, reloading perishables, and a few other things are first on the list. No, not for Red Dawn, either.
As far as politics, I am pretty much through with that. I do not see a way back for Republicans or conservativism. I must assume these are lost and let go, then begin finding a way for me to enjoy life as I think it should be lived as well as I am able. I think this election was about free-markets, the constitution, democracy itself, and some other key issues. Those lost and handily. It is no longer the nation it was, it has become worldly. Who knows, there is always a possibility that Republicans or conservatives might find a way to resurge and resurrect the corpse of the dream. I am not sure where they will find the leadership. I am not sure they even want to find a way to go in that direction. I will worry about the results of the reshaped landscape when it is time. There is no reason to run in panic, shouting into the night and hills, yet, though. At least, not for this reason. Time will tell. I am just heading for the hills because that is where I want to be since college cannot work, mostly.
.
I visited my therapist again today. I think she was surprised at some of what I was saying. I think she approves of my attitude. In spite of tough times, I did quite well. Instead of quitting or worse, becoming suicidal, I found help. I worked every angle available to me and finally went outside and on my own nickel to find medical care. And then when that worked even if partially, I was able to climb out of that hole a bit. In 3 days I studied a months worth of work and got within 3 or 4 points of the average. Okay, so I am not brilliant. But I am honest and diligent when able. As I said, I could not fail that exam even if that was the score. That I did not score too awfully is only something additional. It took me years to get to this level, further, I would not be here without school.
I did push a bit hard in studying and taking the exam, and it is showing. I am having a difficult time regaining my composure and beginning my studies again. Staying up that long on less than I need to generally stay up more than 12 hours has put me in a bit of a spin, and the headache is back. I will work my way out of it, this is not as bad as it was, and it is not even a migraine. If I could just stay awake and concentrate, school would not be a problem. I have homework due tomorrow along with our usual quiz. I will do what I can. I am hoping this weekend will allow me both rest and time to catch up in physics and maintain what I can with the other class.
Oh, I am beginning to wonder if my professors are reading this blog. It is not impossible. A google search of the class, or some other parameters, might bring them to these pages. As well, I have a friend who used to be a physics grad student here. He knows who he is, maybe he still has links here and things get around? I just wonder about some things. I am a bit nervous about writing everything (nothing bad really). But, I can only guess that some things that have happened have had something to do with what is written here. Of course, that might just be typical paranoia and the changing moods of people. People are more variable than the wind, for good and ill. It does add a little spice to life. Still, I do wonder. There might, as well, be a student or three, here at the U, in my classes, that reads this. There is just something strange about how certain people seem to know me. At least they have not laughed at me, or that I have seen.
School looks to be over after this semester. Though I enjoy it immensely, my health seems to decline when going. It could be the stress, or of course, the world colluding to get me to quit. Oh, hush. Just because I hiss and fuss does not mean I believe it all, mostly, or all of the time, or such. Cheaters? I am sure there are some. But they are the minority. Most likely they will be found as such before too long. A ruined academic run or career awaits. Most of the students I know are hardworking layabouts. Yes, they work when they can and do what they are able, just like me. Some are better, some are worse, most all are raw geeks trying to make it through a tough degree field sane and educated.
I spoke with my mother. It seems I might be welcome to stay the winter. It would allow me to cut about $800 to $900 out of my monthly expenses, and that is with me being generous to her. I have a good idea where most of that will go, of course. I might be able to be well kitted by the time I head West. We spoke about a number of these things. As she said, she cannot find these answers for me, but she can support me in some ways and as she can. Living with her is tough at times, but life has been better for both of us for some time and even better between us for longer. As well, I plan to be out of the house a good deal. Skiing, hiking, shooting, hunting, and fishing will fill what of my time I am able to coax out of these old bones. I might have to, after a few other things are settled, get a new computer as well. This time using a router. I might tinker with this old machine to see if I can clear it, then leave it for her as it is far better than what she has. A reloader, some guns, a goodly number of magazines, reloading perishables, and a few other things are first on the list. No, not for Red Dawn, either.
As far as politics, I am pretty much through with that. I do not see a way back for Republicans or conservativism. I must assume these are lost and let go, then begin finding a way for me to enjoy life as I think it should be lived as well as I am able. I think this election was about free-markets, the constitution, democracy itself, and some other key issues. Those lost and handily. It is no longer the nation it was, it has become worldly. Who knows, there is always a possibility that Republicans or conservatives might find a way to resurge and resurrect the corpse of the dream. I am not sure where they will find the leadership. I am not sure they even want to find a way to go in that direction. I will worry about the results of the reshaped landscape when it is time. There is no reason to run in panic, shouting into the night and hills, yet, though. At least, not for this reason. Time will tell. I am just heading for the hills because that is where I want to be since college cannot work, mostly.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
This, like my exam, is at least now over.
.
.
This was a decision maker. I had expected this but hoped against it. Now that it is done, I may begin formulating plans for the rest of the story. With our first marxist in office, there is little hope in the economic, civil, or other markets. And education, at this point, seems quite useless. There is some strong doubt in future elections. Time has run out on America. Look to Europe to see your fate, look to Russia to see it more clearly. I have a few things left to do, a few purchases to make, and a little digging about locals, and then it will be time to act. Nothing to see here folks, you have seen train wrecks before, though you may never have been in one before, that is true.
Republicans, I hope, will learn from this. Should they ever get a real opportunity at an honest election again, they had better never stick a McCain (or Palin) in. They had to know better. Then again, as I have suggested, in the parties race to become progressive, they may have selected McCain so as to allow a Dem to do what they knew they could not get through. And, if elected, they will refuse to change any of it as they have refused to do on anything, really, from as far back as FDR. The party has been absorbed into the Dem party, for all intents and purposes. How could they have affected things otherwise you ask? They could have come out swinging, backing a real conservative right off the bat. They failed in their leadership. I would say it looked like they were grooming McCain and splitting conservatives from the beginning, but that is just my take.
Well, as I said, it is done. Both may well be failures, one for sure is. Now to get on with life. There is a little time before things need to be battened down and things need to be hidden, but time is short. The law will become a mere tool, and old friends may well become informants. I would suggest becoming much more careful about how much you say and to whom. Knowing your enemy is not enough, people have shown a weakness that cannot be expressed in mere words in this election. You have been put on notice. If you “cling to the bible and guns”, best to do so privately now. He does intend to take both, one way or another. Hitler has been elected, only he does not have a mere 1/3 of the representatives on his side, and forget blue dogs, they are in his pocket.
.
This was a decision maker. I had expected this but hoped against it. Now that it is done, I may begin formulating plans for the rest of the story. With our first marxist in office, there is little hope in the economic, civil, or other markets. And education, at this point, seems quite useless. There is some strong doubt in future elections. Time has run out on America. Look to Europe to see your fate, look to Russia to see it more clearly. I have a few things left to do, a few purchases to make, and a little digging about locals, and then it will be time to act. Nothing to see here folks, you have seen train wrecks before, though you may never have been in one before, that is true.
Republicans, I hope, will learn from this. Should they ever get a real opportunity at an honest election again, they had better never stick a McCain (or Palin) in. They had to know better. Then again, as I have suggested, in the parties race to become progressive, they may have selected McCain so as to allow a Dem to do what they knew they could not get through. And, if elected, they will refuse to change any of it as they have refused to do on anything, really, from as far back as FDR. The party has been absorbed into the Dem party, for all intents and purposes. How could they have affected things otherwise you ask? They could have come out swinging, backing a real conservative right off the bat. They failed in their leadership. I would say it looked like they were grooming McCain and splitting conservatives from the beginning, but that is just my take.
Well, as I said, it is done. Both may well be failures, one for sure is. Now to get on with life. There is a little time before things need to be battened down and things need to be hidden, but time is short. The law will become a mere tool, and old friends may well become informants. I would suggest becoming much more careful about how much you say and to whom. Knowing your enemy is not enough, people have shown a weakness that cannot be expressed in mere words in this election. You have been put on notice. If you “cling to the bible and guns”, best to do so privately now. He does intend to take both, one way or another. Hitler has been elected, only he does not have a mere 1/3 of the representatives on his side, and forget blue dogs, they are in his pocket.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Exhausted, but…
.
.
I went to the afternoon class. We covered the test a bit then went on to go over more material. The average, it seems, is around 75%. I did some things well, other things I am just not sure about. I did ask about the one question I did not know. It seems it was a somewhat complicated question regarding exponential distributions where the variable needed to be adjusted, with the data given, then formulated. At least I know if it still does not connect. On my way to and from class, I ran into some overt Obama fanaticism and some outright racism. I guess some believe he is going to win and plan on becoming loud, proud, and rude, starting today. I do not truck with such nonsense, and you will be polite or find out what not being polite means. I do not care if you join the Obama Youth or not.
On my way home, I almost forgot to go to the bible study. Tired, sore, hungry… but I like going so much it does not matter. And, since I was awake and on my way, I made it just about right on time. It was fantastic. The readings today were very powerful. They included how Christ obeyed, to his death and life. How the guests had other things to do, so they could not come to the feast. All of them, to me, regarded duty. Doing what you are supposed to do, what you say you will do, and even doing so at some disregard to your own self interests. The discussions were, as usual, very good. We have a good group of men. We get perspectives from all sides and it does lend to a fuller understanding.
One of the men brought something he had put together, it too was quite amazing. He had a picture of the famous painting with the hand of God and the hand of Adam nearly touching. He had an interesting idea about it as well. Man was barely trying to reach out his finger to touch God, while God had made all and then taken the step of reaching out himself. The lack of effort in men became blazingly obvious when it was noted and the painting was viewed with that in mind. And, into my own life, yes, I see it. Though I try, often even when I could, I say I am too tired, sore, or lost. When offered a chance to join, I do something else. It fit with the readings, and well. I do understand I am disabled, more seriously from time to time, but when I am not, what then? I do need to look, always, at these things.
So, do I fail to realize God when I refuse to be treated rudely or disrespected? I do not think so. I think we must demand respect, both as children of God and as men of flesh. To not do so is to disregard our station in creation, heaven, and earth. To encourage bad behavior is also not helping, it encourages further encroachments by the lesser aspects of lesser men. Becoming prey to ill will must only encourage the behavior both generally and specifically. Do not act as prey, or not only will you be predated specifically, the beasts will grow to enjoy the taste. I will be my brother’s keeper, if it kills him. And yes, that is good too, so long as it is proper. For the wisdom to keep that right, I look to my patron saint, Michael, to Mary, and to God. Each offers words, wisdom, thought, and guidance. They also offer forgiveness should I make a mistake, so long as I acknowledge and bring that forward for forgiveness rather than tucking it away as a pet blood lust or something.
I am rambling. I am quite exhausted. I pulled a 36 hour trek through yesterday, with only a small nap, and while I am still trying to recover from the recent spate of exhaustive days and nights. I slept most of the day and I am assured to sleep most of this night as well. I have an appointment in the morning and then classes after that. Plus I need to reschedule an appointment and hopefully clean the inside of my vehicle. When the sun is shining, I must take advantage. Though my body is still somewhat sore and I am still weak, this is as good as it will be for a while. The sun is shining, if barely. Life is good, the tests are done, I did not retreat to suicidal thoughts (and have not for well over a decade), I did not quit, and if I have not passed this exam, I have done all that I may to that end. I will sleep well.
.
I went to the afternoon class. We covered the test a bit then went on to go over more material. The average, it seems, is around 75%. I did some things well, other things I am just not sure about. I did ask about the one question I did not know. It seems it was a somewhat complicated question regarding exponential distributions where the variable needed to be adjusted, with the data given, then formulated. At least I know if it still does not connect. On my way to and from class, I ran into some overt Obama fanaticism and some outright racism. I guess some believe he is going to win and plan on becoming loud, proud, and rude, starting today. I do not truck with such nonsense, and you will be polite or find out what not being polite means. I do not care if you join the Obama Youth or not.
On my way home, I almost forgot to go to the bible study. Tired, sore, hungry… but I like going so much it does not matter. And, since I was awake and on my way, I made it just about right on time. It was fantastic. The readings today were very powerful. They included how Christ obeyed, to his death and life. How the guests had other things to do, so they could not come to the feast. All of them, to me, regarded duty. Doing what you are supposed to do, what you say you will do, and even doing so at some disregard to your own self interests. The discussions were, as usual, very good. We have a good group of men. We get perspectives from all sides and it does lend to a fuller understanding.
One of the men brought something he had put together, it too was quite amazing. He had a picture of the famous painting with the hand of God and the hand of Adam nearly touching. He had an interesting idea about it as well. Man was barely trying to reach out his finger to touch God, while God had made all and then taken the step of reaching out himself. The lack of effort in men became blazingly obvious when it was noted and the painting was viewed with that in mind. And, into my own life, yes, I see it. Though I try, often even when I could, I say I am too tired, sore, or lost. When offered a chance to join, I do something else. It fit with the readings, and well. I do understand I am disabled, more seriously from time to time, but when I am not, what then? I do need to look, always, at these things.
So, do I fail to realize God when I refuse to be treated rudely or disrespected? I do not think so. I think we must demand respect, both as children of God and as men of flesh. To not do so is to disregard our station in creation, heaven, and earth. To encourage bad behavior is also not helping, it encourages further encroachments by the lesser aspects of lesser men. Becoming prey to ill will must only encourage the behavior both generally and specifically. Do not act as prey, or not only will you be predated specifically, the beasts will grow to enjoy the taste. I will be my brother’s keeper, if it kills him. And yes, that is good too, so long as it is proper. For the wisdom to keep that right, I look to my patron saint, Michael, to Mary, and to God. Each offers words, wisdom, thought, and guidance. They also offer forgiveness should I make a mistake, so long as I acknowledge and bring that forward for forgiveness rather than tucking it away as a pet blood lust or something.
I am rambling. I am quite exhausted. I pulled a 36 hour trek through yesterday, with only a small nap, and while I am still trying to recover from the recent spate of exhaustive days and nights. I slept most of the day and I am assured to sleep most of this night as well. I have an appointment in the morning and then classes after that. Plus I need to reschedule an appointment and hopefully clean the inside of my vehicle. When the sun is shining, I must take advantage. Though my body is still somewhat sore and I am still weak, this is as good as it will be for a while. The sun is shining, if barely. Life is good, the tests are done, I did not retreat to suicidal thoughts (and have not for well over a decade), I did not quit, and if I have not passed this exam, I have done all that I may to that end. I will sleep well.
Where am I?
.
.
It took a bit to come down off the adrenaline high from the exam and get to sleep, but I did and then I did. Waking to some buzzing mean thing, I did not know what was happening, where I was, when it was, or who I was. I was not sure what was making that noise either but I wanted it to stop and I wanted to sleep more. I found the source of the racket, and figured out what it was and from there started to figure out some other things. More sleep, yes. So, my fingers found the buttons and I added an hour to the alarm and reset it and back to bed. Once I laid down everything started to come back. The day, why the alarm was set, what time it was, you know, those little details which provide a larger view of the world. Oh, and my name, who I am, and some of the bigger things trickled back to the front. Good to know, I guess. Zzzz…
I did not quite fall back to sleep. I did recover for about an half hour though, more slowly and fully waking, and beating that dreaded alarm. I do despise the thing, if I need it and so tolerate it. If I were king, those things would be outlawed. Business would just have to figure out other ways of keeping going and people would just have to learn to wake up or not, then deal with it. Until that day I will just suffer through the blasted things. I have avoided the news, and will continue to do so until I get something back that the results are pretty much in and counted, though knowing a lawsuit or two could easily shake the thing up. This also means I will be ignoring blog posts which try to infect news into my mind stream.
Wow, it has been a tough two weeks with the two exams and exhaustion. I can only hope that I can begin to get ahead with the new situation. If not that, perhaps I can at least stay even. Who knows. With 10-14 hours of awake time and 6 hours of functional study time is a lot of time, so I think I will be okay. If it holds. I am so glad I took the risk and expense of going to another doctor. Even so, it is like my body just cannot pump enough blood, or fire enough electricity through whatever needs electricity or something. The will is good, the body is spent… or more, just not working. I spend as much time fighting it as I do anything else. It is like the corpse is dead and through will I force it to function. Too much force and the reality of it, the resistance from the situation, eventually and often quite quickly, simply becomes overwhelming. Lots of fun, in a way.
I best shower and be off to class. Have a good one and good luck avoiding trouble.
.
It took a bit to come down off the adrenaline high from the exam and get to sleep, but I did and then I did. Waking to some buzzing mean thing, I did not know what was happening, where I was, when it was, or who I was. I was not sure what was making that noise either but I wanted it to stop and I wanted to sleep more. I found the source of the racket, and figured out what it was and from there started to figure out some other things. More sleep, yes. So, my fingers found the buttons and I added an hour to the alarm and reset it and back to bed. Once I laid down everything started to come back. The day, why the alarm was set, what time it was, you know, those little details which provide a larger view of the world. Oh, and my name, who I am, and some of the bigger things trickled back to the front. Good to know, I guess. Zzzz…
I did not quite fall back to sleep. I did recover for about an half hour though, more slowly and fully waking, and beating that dreaded alarm. I do despise the thing, if I need it and so tolerate it. If I were king, those things would be outlawed. Business would just have to figure out other ways of keeping going and people would just have to learn to wake up or not, then deal with it. Until that day I will just suffer through the blasted things. I have avoided the news, and will continue to do so until I get something back that the results are pretty much in and counted, though knowing a lawsuit or two could easily shake the thing up. This also means I will be ignoring blog posts which try to infect news into my mind stream.
Wow, it has been a tough two weeks with the two exams and exhaustion. I can only hope that I can begin to get ahead with the new situation. If not that, perhaps I can at least stay even. Who knows. With 10-14 hours of awake time and 6 hours of functional study time is a lot of time, so I think I will be okay. If it holds. I am so glad I took the risk and expense of going to another doctor. Even so, it is like my body just cannot pump enough blood, or fire enough electricity through whatever needs electricity or something. The will is good, the body is spent… or more, just not working. I spend as much time fighting it as I do anything else. It is like the corpse is dead and through will I force it to function. Too much force and the reality of it, the resistance from the situation, eventually and often quite quickly, simply becomes overwhelming. Lots of fun, in a way.
I best shower and be off to class. Have a good one and good luck avoiding trouble.
Tests and exams.
.
.
I received two in one today. I was not quite prepared to take the exam this afternoon, my allowed cheat sheet was not prepared. I was given the examination to take at home. That was the test, would I cheat? I passed that before I took it. Though I did spend more of the night studying, I could no more cheat than I can fly (currently, though probability makes that a pretty sure bet even in the long run). I finished the exam a little under the time allotted. I was able to scribble something down for everything but one problem. I am pretty sure I did very poorly on the test, but that is as it is. This material is difficult, dense, and there is a lot of it. I have never felt so good about probably failing an exam though. Some tests are more important. Oh, I did suggest to my professor that he not think me a dunce if (though I meant to say when) I did poorly. I thought I had a chance at it, but not so much.
To try and be on the level, I included my cheat sheet, rounded the time up to 2 hours, and suggested that at least there is one more exam. I need to have it in under his door first thing in the morning. I am not sure when the building in which his office resides opens. I will head there around 7:00 and see if I can get in. Barring that, I might have a breakfast and try after that. He seems to need to be somewhere today (dealing with the elections or avoiding them?). It seems like we will be going over the exam in discussion this evening, so he did not want me to have a chance of hearing about anything there. To be honest, I am not sure cheating would have… well, yes, it might have helped on several problems. Still would if I would.
I have to wonder if I am considered an ultra dolt for being the way I am. Or if I am respected. Perhaps a bit of both? Or, in truth, just another student no one ever thinks about. That is more like it. I certainly, for myself, wonder at myself from time to time. And, it is not always with high regard. But then I know me. I make lots of mistakes and I have a long history of failures. I will give that I try as I may and sometimes then some. I wish I could live up to my potential. The potential is real, something just happens on the way to success.
Now to see if I can get back on track with my newly found slightly fuller days. I am a bit behind in physics, so I will need to really dig in. I am just getting a fresh start with this class, so I hope to keep on top of it. The stress of tests will always exist, but being able to be prepared helps both the stress and a successful outcome a great deal. I do have a chance, if a slim one. On the upside, I have had one of my better down times, in that I did not quit, I found a way around what was the problem, I continued to try and study, and I followed through with most of it, dropping only making an earlier contact with my professor to set up a test-time. Yes, he was a little frustrated. I do that to people, from time to time.
It is completed and I can get on with everything else now! But for now, I am exhausted. After I turn the thing in, I am going to snooze if I can.
The elections? Call me when the shooting has stopped, and do not shoot my way. You will be unlucky if you hit me, unlucky if you do not. If I can make it up for classes this afternoon, I will probably still want some sleep after. Perhaps by the time I wake up, the war will have started or the thing will be known, or both, but just as likely both will be awaiting a court hearing. Slap em’ all in irons, I say.
.
I received two in one today. I was not quite prepared to take the exam this afternoon, my allowed cheat sheet was not prepared. I was given the examination to take at home. That was the test, would I cheat? I passed that before I took it. Though I did spend more of the night studying, I could no more cheat than I can fly (currently, though probability makes that a pretty sure bet even in the long run). I finished the exam a little under the time allotted. I was able to scribble something down for everything but one problem. I am pretty sure I did very poorly on the test, but that is as it is. This material is difficult, dense, and there is a lot of it. I have never felt so good about probably failing an exam though. Some tests are more important. Oh, I did suggest to my professor that he not think me a dunce if (though I meant to say when) I did poorly. I thought I had a chance at it, but not so much.
To try and be on the level, I included my cheat sheet, rounded the time up to 2 hours, and suggested that at least there is one more exam. I need to have it in under his door first thing in the morning. I am not sure when the building in which his office resides opens. I will head there around 7:00 and see if I can get in. Barring that, I might have a breakfast and try after that. He seems to need to be somewhere today (dealing with the elections or avoiding them?). It seems like we will be going over the exam in discussion this evening, so he did not want me to have a chance of hearing about anything there. To be honest, I am not sure cheating would have… well, yes, it might have helped on several problems. Still would if I would.
I have to wonder if I am considered an ultra dolt for being the way I am. Or if I am respected. Perhaps a bit of both? Or, in truth, just another student no one ever thinks about. That is more like it. I certainly, for myself, wonder at myself from time to time. And, it is not always with high regard. But then I know me. I make lots of mistakes and I have a long history of failures. I will give that I try as I may and sometimes then some. I wish I could live up to my potential. The potential is real, something just happens on the way to success.
Now to see if I can get back on track with my newly found slightly fuller days. I am a bit behind in physics, so I will need to really dig in. I am just getting a fresh start with this class, so I hope to keep on top of it. The stress of tests will always exist, but being able to be prepared helps both the stress and a successful outcome a great deal. I do have a chance, if a slim one. On the upside, I have had one of my better down times, in that I did not quit, I found a way around what was the problem, I continued to try and study, and I followed through with most of it, dropping only making an earlier contact with my professor to set up a test-time. Yes, he was a little frustrated. I do that to people, from time to time.
It is completed and I can get on with everything else now! But for now, I am exhausted. After I turn the thing in, I am going to snooze if I can.
The elections? Call me when the shooting has stopped, and do not shoot my way. You will be unlucky if you hit me, unlucky if you do not. If I can make it up for classes this afternoon, I will probably still want some sleep after. Perhaps by the time I wake up, the war will have started or the thing will be known, or both, but just as likely both will be awaiting a court hearing. Slap em’ all in irons, I say.
Monday, November 3, 2008
Too close to call?
.
.
Wow, some people’s hope goes beyond reason. From what I have seen, there is no real chance McCain can win. Within the margin of error is not that close when every poll indicates he is down. Now there is the notion that Democrats are wrongly polled higher, by 5% or more. And, there is an unusually large number of callers who hang up (to include me), which might have some unforeseen impact on the polls. I am not sure if I hung up on pollsters or Obamaphiles, though I heard his name each time. How they know my name and number is irritating. I do not want the vile to have that. I must assume it was leaked from either the V.A. or college. Both are fertile grounds for this vile communist uprising as proven by the abuses of power and trust which would allow them to get my name and number. But the nearly fraudulent hopes of anti-O and pro-McCain people (quite often two separate groups) seems insane. Maybe they have something, or there is something there, but my guess is all those in that group know no more than me. I am a bit surprised to see such angst from O supporters though. Then again, they are rather risk averse people. Their threshold to worry must just be lower.
Well, I was not able to get as much done as I had hoped, study wise. I got through what I could, and will try to get through more as the day progresses. I am still sleeping a lot, about 12 to 13 hours. But when I am awake I can stay awake between sleep without nap(s). Concentration is better though it is still weaker than I had hoped. I guess this is as good as it gets, or can get, so I will just have to see how this goes. I will be speaking with my professor today in class if not before.
I have tried to write this well. I just woke up and not everything is in place to do so. Oh well, I will put it forth anyway.
.
Wow, some people’s hope goes beyond reason. From what I have seen, there is no real chance McCain can win. Within the margin of error is not that close when every poll indicates he is down. Now there is the notion that Democrats are wrongly polled higher, by 5% or more. And, there is an unusually large number of callers who hang up (to include me), which might have some unforeseen impact on the polls. I am not sure if I hung up on pollsters or Obamaphiles, though I heard his name each time. How they know my name and number is irritating. I do not want the vile to have that. I must assume it was leaked from either the V.A. or college. Both are fertile grounds for this vile communist uprising as proven by the abuses of power and trust which would allow them to get my name and number. But the nearly fraudulent hopes of anti-O and pro-McCain people (quite often two separate groups) seems insane. Maybe they have something, or there is something there, but my guess is all those in that group know no more than me. I am a bit surprised to see such angst from O supporters though. Then again, they are rather risk averse people. Their threshold to worry must just be lower.
Well, I was not able to get as much done as I had hoped, study wise. I got through what I could, and will try to get through more as the day progresses. I am still sleeping a lot, about 12 to 13 hours. But when I am awake I can stay awake between sleep without nap(s). Concentration is better though it is still weaker than I had hoped. I guess this is as good as it gets, or can get, so I will just have to see how this goes. I will be speaking with my professor today in class if not before.
I have tried to write this well. I just woke up and not everything is in place to do so. Oh well, I will put it forth anyway.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Work has been difficult.
.
.
I still feel out of sorts. I am able to take the high blood pressure medicine and I am able to stay awake. Concentration is tricky, but I am working to expand that. That I am beginning to expand my concentration is saying something. The homework is not easy, lots of material has been covered and it is sometimes exceedingly complicated. With the answers to the problems, I am able to reverse engineer most of what I cannot figure out up front. That takes a bit more time and concentration but it is necessary. I am not sure how much time I have, but my goal is to be as ready as I am able to be by Monday. After that, I will use any time left in order to work further and to begin doing physics. Physics has been languishing as might be expected.
Though that sounds murky, the truth is it is a good sign. I still need to nap often, work for short periods and then back off and relax by blogging or whatnot, and then get back to it when I can. My body still feels like I was assaulted a few days ago. My headache is no longer migraine quality and the bodily soreness has lessened. The nausea is only occasional now. Things are looking up. I have covered a little less than half of the material. My goal is to go through all of the homework (at least once), to rewrite my notes, to complete the quizzes, and to study the more difficult aspects separately by Sunday. I am working diligently to finish the homework today. I do not pass a problem without solving it and understanding it unless the theory will be covered specifically later, which has allowed me to pass up only one problem so far. I am able to do most of the problems quickly. A quarter of them, however, need a thorough review of the material, including searching through the book, the notes, or both, in order to sort them out. My pace will only get slower as the later work is the most difficult, especially with my recent incapacities. I can only do what I can do, goals just add fire to the engine to push me a bit.
The blind study I have done has helped. Though as I expected, what I learned doing that was not functional. Knowing a formula does not necessarily equate to using it in a particular question, though remembering the particulars of why to use geometric versus hyper geometric distributions can be useful. I really do enjoy this work. It is demanding, intricate, interesting, and real. There is only one right answer (though there may be more than one ways to get that answer… sometimes… okay, rarely). I am a bit confused about the studies in general though. I know I would never be able to just pull this up and be able to functionally operate a problem from memory. And more, I would be even harder pressed to see what I am learning here within another type of problem and then begin figuring it out, or which part of it to use if I did see, when confronted by a problem which is soluble, or which could be more easily solved or partially solved, by these operations. This frustrates me greatly. I really DO want to get to that level. I do, however, realize that this is not practical. The same is true for calculus. I really enjoy both fields of math, even if I am a math weakling. Still, I do enjoy this when I can be awake and aware enough to do it. I just wish I had enough extra to play with some of this. That, however, is not within my capacity, at least not yet.
But, darn it, I am not going to quit! I have just enough juice to maybe do this now. And, should I fail, it will not be because I did not use every ounce I have to my name and then some.
My moods, of course, have been all over the board. With exhaustion, my body trying to come back on line, the medications effects, politics, and such, this is to be expected. Actually, emotionally, I should be in the tank. Everything is difficult, daunting, even threatening. I am actually, and in spite of how it might seem here, doing fairly well emotionally, if with some occasional and serious dips. At least that feeling I had before is with me still, and it does not fade in my worst moments! I take it as a gift, if I wish I knew more about it. Though I must admit, with or without that, my ultimate and mundane hope and faith do not fail me. My worries and doubts are only temporary, like a headache. And, yes, I believe God is with me, but more, I want Him here with me. Even at my worst, I share this with Him (and His), and it is good. I do not know His plans for me but I am quite comfortable that even if it is harsh, it will be something I can bear. Well, it is harsh actually. It could become worse. :p Walking on the coals of life I walk on, carrying the cross I have been asked to carry and in spite of my complaints here, I am actually rather happy. Not a happiness from getting things, succeeding, or such, but a deep, sincere, true contentedness which does not rely on success, how I feel emotionally or physically, or other worldly affairs, events, or realities. Yeah, I guess you could say I am good.
.
I still feel out of sorts. I am able to take the high blood pressure medicine and I am able to stay awake. Concentration is tricky, but I am working to expand that. That I am beginning to expand my concentration is saying something. The homework is not easy, lots of material has been covered and it is sometimes exceedingly complicated. With the answers to the problems, I am able to reverse engineer most of what I cannot figure out up front. That takes a bit more time and concentration but it is necessary. I am not sure how much time I have, but my goal is to be as ready as I am able to be by Monday. After that, I will use any time left in order to work further and to begin doing physics. Physics has been languishing as might be expected.
Though that sounds murky, the truth is it is a good sign. I still need to nap often, work for short periods and then back off and relax by blogging or whatnot, and then get back to it when I can. My body still feels like I was assaulted a few days ago. My headache is no longer migraine quality and the bodily soreness has lessened. The nausea is only occasional now. Things are looking up. I have covered a little less than half of the material. My goal is to go through all of the homework (at least once), to rewrite my notes, to complete the quizzes, and to study the more difficult aspects separately by Sunday. I am working diligently to finish the homework today. I do not pass a problem without solving it and understanding it unless the theory will be covered specifically later, which has allowed me to pass up only one problem so far. I am able to do most of the problems quickly. A quarter of them, however, need a thorough review of the material, including searching through the book, the notes, or both, in order to sort them out. My pace will only get slower as the later work is the most difficult, especially with my recent incapacities. I can only do what I can do, goals just add fire to the engine to push me a bit.
The blind study I have done has helped. Though as I expected, what I learned doing that was not functional. Knowing a formula does not necessarily equate to using it in a particular question, though remembering the particulars of why to use geometric versus hyper geometric distributions can be useful. I really do enjoy this work. It is demanding, intricate, interesting, and real. There is only one right answer (though there may be more than one ways to get that answer… sometimes… okay, rarely). I am a bit confused about the studies in general though. I know I would never be able to just pull this up and be able to functionally operate a problem from memory. And more, I would be even harder pressed to see what I am learning here within another type of problem and then begin figuring it out, or which part of it to use if I did see, when confronted by a problem which is soluble, or which could be more easily solved or partially solved, by these operations. This frustrates me greatly. I really DO want to get to that level. I do, however, realize that this is not practical. The same is true for calculus. I really enjoy both fields of math, even if I am a math weakling. Still, I do enjoy this when I can be awake and aware enough to do it. I just wish I had enough extra to play with some of this. That, however, is not within my capacity, at least not yet.
But, darn it, I am not going to quit! I have just enough juice to maybe do this now. And, should I fail, it will not be because I did not use every ounce I have to my name and then some.
My moods, of course, have been all over the board. With exhaustion, my body trying to come back on line, the medications effects, politics, and such, this is to be expected. Actually, emotionally, I should be in the tank. Everything is difficult, daunting, even threatening. I am actually, and in spite of how it might seem here, doing fairly well emotionally, if with some occasional and serious dips. At least that feeling I had before is with me still, and it does not fade in my worst moments! I take it as a gift, if I wish I knew more about it. Though I must admit, with or without that, my ultimate and mundane hope and faith do not fail me. My worries and doubts are only temporary, like a headache. And, yes, I believe God is with me, but more, I want Him here with me. Even at my worst, I share this with Him (and His), and it is good. I do not know His plans for me but I am quite comfortable that even if it is harsh, it will be something I can bear. Well, it is harsh actually. It could become worse. :p Walking on the coals of life I walk on, carrying the cross I have been asked to carry and in spite of my complaints here, I am actually rather happy. Not a happiness from getting things, succeeding, or such, but a deep, sincere, true contentedness which does not rely on success, how I feel emotionally or physically, or other worldly affairs, events, or realities. Yeah, I guess you could say I am good.
Friday, October 31, 2008
The first day.
.
.
The medicine is helping me stay awake, but the rest of the mix is realigning my innards. Or, that is how it feels. I did check my blood sugar this morning, 145 fasting. Though that is not superior, it beats 250 running average when I was checking it regularly when I could stay awake and be active enough and conscientious to check it. I cannot say the medicine will give me what I need to get going on studying, but I will use what I can. I am rather ill, both from the medicine and from anxiety. I hope I do not just pop a cork while trying to take care of business. Oh heck, it is all good, in some ways.
Oh, I did want to mention something. In spite of my doubts about politics, my health problems, and my probable decision about the future of my education, I still feel that sense of hope. It is not about me or politics, it is real hope. No, not hope, certainty. Something changed in reality, and it is not Obama, Democrats, Republicans, the economy, or such. Perhaps it is some kind of reawakening of Christianity. If it comes too late for this election, or for real politics if the D’s take over and change the constitution as they are planning, that souls are saved is something. Lots of souls is really big. We have been persecuted to near extinction before, if we must become martyrs again, so be it. That seems like a losing hope, but it is only if you are vested in this world.
Something which has impressed me, lately, is that the Catholic Church, against the odds and knowing what will happen to it if O. and the other D’s win, has come out squarely in the correct corner, at least on air, the bits I have seen from Bishops and such, and the big gun has even come out. The Pope has made declarations in this. As I said, this is a dangerous time for the Church to be picking sides, especially in what looks to be a lost cause. As for me, I have already accepted the fact that there will probably be persecutions and eventually perhaps outright extermination pogroms against those with real faith. The cardboard Christians will just find other social clubs. They always do.
Although I must admit, there is still a chance O. will lose. McCain will not win, he cannot. If he does not lose, he has only Obama to thank for it. As for D’s, I cannot say. I would hope people could see the danger, but I think they avoid all notion of it. How do the elderly really think the government will be able to afford health care? It will come at their expense. The rest of the world is waiting for us to socialize so, as a group, the governments can begin cutting costs by eliminating the elderly and disabled. Odd that such a large group would not know the risk. Or is it that they see this as a good thing? Do they want this done but are unable to bring themselves to do it? They cannot be ignorant. They have lived through decades of pop-culture warnings. Do they not remember what they thought of the old when they were teens and 20 somethings? That is about to be implemented through the politics of their youth come to life, and death.
My head is pounding, my innards are like jelly, and my anxiety levels are on edge. But, I have work to do. Oh, bother, if you cannot handle the truth, just realize it is Halloween. It is just a spooky story that will never come to fruition. Now, go out and get your treats. Children should stick to things which are for children.
.
The medicine is helping me stay awake, but the rest of the mix is realigning my innards. Or, that is how it feels. I did check my blood sugar this morning, 145 fasting. Though that is not superior, it beats 250 running average when I was checking it regularly when I could stay awake and be active enough and conscientious to check it. I cannot say the medicine will give me what I need to get going on studying, but I will use what I can. I am rather ill, both from the medicine and from anxiety. I hope I do not just pop a cork while trying to take care of business. Oh heck, it is all good, in some ways.
Oh, I did want to mention something. In spite of my doubts about politics, my health problems, and my probable decision about the future of my education, I still feel that sense of hope. It is not about me or politics, it is real hope. No, not hope, certainty. Something changed in reality, and it is not Obama, Democrats, Republicans, the economy, or such. Perhaps it is some kind of reawakening of Christianity. If it comes too late for this election, or for real politics if the D’s take over and change the constitution as they are planning, that souls are saved is something. Lots of souls is really big. We have been persecuted to near extinction before, if we must become martyrs again, so be it. That seems like a losing hope, but it is only if you are vested in this world.
Something which has impressed me, lately, is that the Catholic Church, against the odds and knowing what will happen to it if O. and the other D’s win, has come out squarely in the correct corner, at least on air, the bits I have seen from Bishops and such, and the big gun has even come out. The Pope has made declarations in this. As I said, this is a dangerous time for the Church to be picking sides, especially in what looks to be a lost cause. As for me, I have already accepted the fact that there will probably be persecutions and eventually perhaps outright extermination pogroms against those with real faith. The cardboard Christians will just find other social clubs. They always do.
Although I must admit, there is still a chance O. will lose. McCain will not win, he cannot. If he does not lose, he has only Obama to thank for it. As for D’s, I cannot say. I would hope people could see the danger, but I think they avoid all notion of it. How do the elderly really think the government will be able to afford health care? It will come at their expense. The rest of the world is waiting for us to socialize so, as a group, the governments can begin cutting costs by eliminating the elderly and disabled. Odd that such a large group would not know the risk. Or is it that they see this as a good thing? Do they want this done but are unable to bring themselves to do it? They cannot be ignorant. They have lived through decades of pop-culture warnings. Do they not remember what they thought of the old when they were teens and 20 somethings? That is about to be implemented through the politics of their youth come to life, and death.
My head is pounding, my innards are like jelly, and my anxiety levels are on edge. But, I have work to do. Oh, bother, if you cannot handle the truth, just realize it is Halloween. It is just a spooky story that will never come to fruition. Now, go out and get your treats. Children should stick to things which are for children.
The Doctor.
.
.
The visit, according to my goals, was successful. My new doctor had no difficulty prescribing the medication. I have yet to see, for sure, if it works. My blood pressure, as expected, was high. It was 178/120. I ought to check my blood sugar, glucose, whatever, today too. He suggested I start the rest of my medication immediately and he has set up an appointment for next week to see if my blood pressure is falling. Thankfully, that will be after pay day and I will be able to pay for the visit. The visit and the medicine were a bit of an expense. And, I will need to see him every month in order to fill this prescription. If it works, it will be worth it.
He did indicate, and rather strongly, that the doctor at the V.A. probably had nothing to do with the failing of the medication. He said that such an event would demand the collusion of the pharmacy, and would risk the pharmaceutical practitioner’s license. He suggested that the real root of the problem, and something I have considered, was that the manufacturer changed the formulation. Being a generic, the rules of production are looser, so that how the medicine works can be altered without warning or consequences, so long as certain aspects of the medicine's chemistry remain the same. I have considered non-generic, however, I am unsure as to my ability to pay and the efficacy of such in any case. What this means is that, even if this other prescription works, it is probably simply a matter of time before it too is changed. Given my inability to pay, the uncertainty of any medication, and the rest of it, this means that this is probably the last term of college I will take. It is quite harsh to be in the middle of something and then to suddenly become completely disabled again.
As for my part, I will do what I can to salvage this term. I will not be returning for next term. I will be looking for a place to move until my lease is up or until I can find a means of getting out of my lease by finding a renter my landlord would accept. I had thought to try and store my household goods and personal belongings, but that is quite a task to do solo. It would be a great deal of effort to move it all out of here and then move it all into my new place while also being a great weight, in several ways, holding me down wherever I might end up. So, I will begin liquidating the goods. Books, weights, furniture, all must go. I will pare it down to a basic set of clothing, my outdoor gear, firearms, and few other items. I will get it down to fit in my vehicle both by bulk and weight. At which point, I may begin trying to find a place to move.
Short or long term, a smaller town almost anywhere, which is very affordable, is what I will do, simply to be on my way. Longer term, hopefully, I will find a place in the mountains or foothills with those same qualities. I suppose, once I begin my migration, my health will have to take care of itself. My doctor indicated that there are things worse than death, and looked at me questioningly. I knew the answer he was looking for, a stroke and partial paralyzation. What he did not count on is that, since I live alone, that would be death. It might take two or three days, but it would be death. If it would not be comfortable, it would be sure. I have no one who checks on me and those who do call are used to me being “absent” for periods of days, weeks, even months. Still, it would be good to find some small town in a place I like, attempt to find medical attention if that works for as long as it works, and just enjoy what of my life I may and when I may enjoy it.
It is a bitter pill to swallow, but it is what I have. I know I have done everything in my power to do succeed. And though I have failed, I have had some good moments, I was able to see some semblance of normalcy for a bit, and I have had some successes. Further, I do have some interests left to pursue. There are things I have never done which I will be able to do. I am sure there are people to be befriended, a church which I still feel at home in when I am able to attend, and a wilderness yet to explore. Life is not over, but the shades have been drawn on my hopes of becoming a professional and leaving disability behind. Everyone nears this time, some pass through and find other things in life. I can hope for that part now.
Now to see if I can get through this semester though. I just hate quitting a battle even if the war is over. And, it would be good to leave with another success under my belt.
.
The visit, according to my goals, was successful. My new doctor had no difficulty prescribing the medication. I have yet to see, for sure, if it works. My blood pressure, as expected, was high. It was 178/120. I ought to check my blood sugar, glucose, whatever, today too. He suggested I start the rest of my medication immediately and he has set up an appointment for next week to see if my blood pressure is falling. Thankfully, that will be after pay day and I will be able to pay for the visit. The visit and the medicine were a bit of an expense. And, I will need to see him every month in order to fill this prescription. If it works, it will be worth it.
He did indicate, and rather strongly, that the doctor at the V.A. probably had nothing to do with the failing of the medication. He said that such an event would demand the collusion of the pharmacy, and would risk the pharmaceutical practitioner’s license. He suggested that the real root of the problem, and something I have considered, was that the manufacturer changed the formulation. Being a generic, the rules of production are looser, so that how the medicine works can be altered without warning or consequences, so long as certain aspects of the medicine's chemistry remain the same. I have considered non-generic, however, I am unsure as to my ability to pay and the efficacy of such in any case. What this means is that, even if this other prescription works, it is probably simply a matter of time before it too is changed. Given my inability to pay, the uncertainty of any medication, and the rest of it, this means that this is probably the last term of college I will take. It is quite harsh to be in the middle of something and then to suddenly become completely disabled again.
As for my part, I will do what I can to salvage this term. I will not be returning for next term. I will be looking for a place to move until my lease is up or until I can find a means of getting out of my lease by finding a renter my landlord would accept. I had thought to try and store my household goods and personal belongings, but that is quite a task to do solo. It would be a great deal of effort to move it all out of here and then move it all into my new place while also being a great weight, in several ways, holding me down wherever I might end up. So, I will begin liquidating the goods. Books, weights, furniture, all must go. I will pare it down to a basic set of clothing, my outdoor gear, firearms, and few other items. I will get it down to fit in my vehicle both by bulk and weight. At which point, I may begin trying to find a place to move.
Short or long term, a smaller town almost anywhere, which is very affordable, is what I will do, simply to be on my way. Longer term, hopefully, I will find a place in the mountains or foothills with those same qualities. I suppose, once I begin my migration, my health will have to take care of itself. My doctor indicated that there are things worse than death, and looked at me questioningly. I knew the answer he was looking for, a stroke and partial paralyzation. What he did not count on is that, since I live alone, that would be death. It might take two or three days, but it would be death. If it would not be comfortable, it would be sure. I have no one who checks on me and those who do call are used to me being “absent” for periods of days, weeks, even months. Still, it would be good to find some small town in a place I like, attempt to find medical attention if that works for as long as it works, and just enjoy what of my life I may and when I may enjoy it.
It is a bitter pill to swallow, but it is what I have. I know I have done everything in my power to do succeed. And though I have failed, I have had some good moments, I was able to see some semblance of normalcy for a bit, and I have had some successes. Further, I do have some interests left to pursue. There are things I have never done which I will be able to do. I am sure there are people to be befriended, a church which I still feel at home in when I am able to attend, and a wilderness yet to explore. Life is not over, but the shades have been drawn on my hopes of becoming a professional and leaving disability behind. Everyone nears this time, some pass through and find other things in life. I can hope for that part now.
Now to see if I can get through this semester though. I just hate quitting a battle even if the war is over. And, it would be good to leave with another success under my belt.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Messed up!
.
.
I awoke a bit ago and started moving around. Then it hit me. What DAY is this! Did I miss my test, my doctors appointment, what day! I rushed to a device that would give me the truth. With a little relief, my system began to relax. You cannot imagine the horrors of this. In periods where timing is crucial, not being able to trust one’s ability to wake on time or sleep less than a day, stress levels can rise in the extreme. Still, I know I will need another sleep period between now and my appointment, so the dread has not completely dissipated.
On the up side, I will be seeing my doctor soon. As well, I have spoken with my professor during office hours. I let him know I am having serious problems. I also let him know I will be talking to a doctor about my difficulties. He was sympathetic. I think he knows or believes I am not only trying but that I am interested in the material. Or, he is just easy going. Not that easy going, his tests are solid. He has a way of including a lot of material on his tests, and he tests much of what he covers in spite of the speed and volume. Still, that is one thing tended, and one thing needing to be tended. I am continuing to study, for what good it does (there is some good, it just does not feel like it).
Tomorrow will be the deal. Either I will find that the medicine no longer works or that I may continue trying to get ahead but more, begin taking necessary medicine again to lower my blood pressure. What seems lost in all this is the fact that while the V.A. fiddles, my health, not just my life, declines. How long before the high blood pressure does irreparable damage (pick an organ, all are subject to failure, including skin!). I only hope that I am right about what they offer being a placebo. I will find out soon. More stress, if short term. The added benefit, if it does work, is a more full life. Either way, it has been a wonderful year and a half look at nearly normal living. I will never regret it, whatever happens from here on. If I find that I was receiving placebo, however, I am going to be outraged. I will see what I can do about making the doctor’s life a living hell. Liars in some regards are lower than even thieves. In some ways, if this is true, he was both.
Still, if this works, I will need to regain my sea legs quickly. Just to catch up in studies in order to test will be a bit of a feat as I see it. Though I have been studying, it has been a blind study, a study of rote. I will need to actualize a lot of material beyond the rote. I think I can do it but not without a huge push and many man hours and while I am becoming familiar with wakefulness and function. It is not too unlike trying to walk on legs which have fallen asleep. Oh yes, I am nervous if hopeful. So much stress, the election process only adds to it. If Obama is elected or congress goes Democrat, there is little reason to try as I see it. It will mean private ownership (property rights) and any hopes of breaking through economic barriers are both at an end. It will be the enshrinement of the peasant class, by force if necessary. Heck, McCain is not much better, at least without a conservative congress to keep his liberalism at bay, to keep his secular “better angel” notions in check, to keep our borders secure, and to keep his socialism away from the budget. Fat chance. We will see soon enough.
In any event, my causa pro vita is merely to see if this works, if it works to do my tasks and attempt to regain health (to the end of hopefully getting off all medications, at the right time), and to plan for everything else after that as it comes. And, immediately, to be thankful that I did not oversleep, so far, my chance to take that next step sooner rather than later. Oh, yes, dear ones, I am sweating blood. May it cleanse my body and soul of sour fear, dreadful confusion, and seething rage.
.
I awoke a bit ago and started moving around. Then it hit me. What DAY is this! Did I miss my test, my doctors appointment, what day! I rushed to a device that would give me the truth. With a little relief, my system began to relax. You cannot imagine the horrors of this. In periods where timing is crucial, not being able to trust one’s ability to wake on time or sleep less than a day, stress levels can rise in the extreme. Still, I know I will need another sleep period between now and my appointment, so the dread has not completely dissipated.
On the up side, I will be seeing my doctor soon. As well, I have spoken with my professor during office hours. I let him know I am having serious problems. I also let him know I will be talking to a doctor about my difficulties. He was sympathetic. I think he knows or believes I am not only trying but that I am interested in the material. Or, he is just easy going. Not that easy going, his tests are solid. He has a way of including a lot of material on his tests, and he tests much of what he covers in spite of the speed and volume. Still, that is one thing tended, and one thing needing to be tended. I am continuing to study, for what good it does (there is some good, it just does not feel like it).
Tomorrow will be the deal. Either I will find that the medicine no longer works or that I may continue trying to get ahead but more, begin taking necessary medicine again to lower my blood pressure. What seems lost in all this is the fact that while the V.A. fiddles, my health, not just my life, declines. How long before the high blood pressure does irreparable damage (pick an organ, all are subject to failure, including skin!). I only hope that I am right about what they offer being a placebo. I will find out soon. More stress, if short term. The added benefit, if it does work, is a more full life. Either way, it has been a wonderful year and a half look at nearly normal living. I will never regret it, whatever happens from here on. If I find that I was receiving placebo, however, I am going to be outraged. I will see what I can do about making the doctor’s life a living hell. Liars in some regards are lower than even thieves. In some ways, if this is true, he was both.
Still, if this works, I will need to regain my sea legs quickly. Just to catch up in studies in order to test will be a bit of a feat as I see it. Though I have been studying, it has been a blind study, a study of rote. I will need to actualize a lot of material beyond the rote. I think I can do it but not without a huge push and many man hours and while I am becoming familiar with wakefulness and function. It is not too unlike trying to walk on legs which have fallen asleep. Oh yes, I am nervous if hopeful. So much stress, the election process only adds to it. If Obama is elected or congress goes Democrat, there is little reason to try as I see it. It will mean private ownership (property rights) and any hopes of breaking through economic barriers are both at an end. It will be the enshrinement of the peasant class, by force if necessary. Heck, McCain is not much better, at least without a conservative congress to keep his liberalism at bay, to keep his secular “better angel” notions in check, to keep our borders secure, and to keep his socialism away from the budget. Fat chance. We will see soon enough.
In any event, my causa pro vita is merely to see if this works, if it works to do my tasks and attempt to regain health (to the end of hopefully getting off all medications, at the right time), and to plan for everything else after that as it comes. And, immediately, to be thankful that I did not oversleep, so far, my chance to take that next step sooner rather than later. Oh, yes, dear ones, I am sweating blood. May it cleanse my body and soul of sour fear, dreadful confusion, and seething rage.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Troubles…
.
.
I can neither sleep well, or long, or I simply sleep so hard the alarm clocks are irrelevant and I sleep for a day or two. In any case, I am living in a zombie like state. I have looked at the material but I am so exhausted most of the time I might as well be trying to decipher the material from a book about it written in a foreign language. It was like this with physics but that material was both a little more familiar and slightly easier at the level of the course I am taking. I am in a real fix. I will continue to do what I can, when I can, but this is not looking good. I am considering a medical delay option, depending on how things go with the doctor. He would have to sign off on it and I do not know that he will.
Something else, I seem to be writing poorly. I have received some requests for clarification regarding cheating at school. First off, let me say that this is a journal. College is the enemy, in a way. It is the giant and I am the little guy. Of course I am going to have thoughts of oppression and such, it is the way of it. As a fact, every undergraduate and graduate student and professor I know still suffers through such from time to time. But there is more.
I do believe there is a lot of cheating going on. It seems to be, to a minor extent, the way of all systems. Overt favoritism to discrete dalliances, any human system is flawed. As well, with cheating having become a, seemingly, socially acceptable means of advancement, why would that change because one enters higher education? And, professors often have to develop much more complicated tests to hinder cheating. This change puts those who do not cheat at a distinct disadvantage. As well, some of what I consider cheating may not be such. Learning how to program some of the calculators we use, for instance, is not actually cheating. However, if someone does that and then passes it around, it begins to fringe on cheating.
Do I trust the two professors I have in classes now? Yes, actually. Both seem to offer the material in a fairly straightforward manner, with probability and statistics being a little less so. That less straightforward manner of bringing the material out, however, has more to do with the nature of the material than any choice of the professor to hide or cloud the issue. I have found the professor I have spoken with about the material relatively open to discussion and helpful in the matters. I have seen no real reason to not trust them. The strange bell curves are going to exist in once class because of people like me. The other class, however, does cause some questions, but this does not mean the professor is directly a part of that.
As well, and of course, engineering school is meant to test, not teach, it seems. The goal is to not fail, in spite of failing. We needed a 3.0 or higher to be accepted and our grades are allowed to drop to a 2.0 by our first year, then they need to advance to a 2.2 by sophomore level. I cannot remember after that. And, the average student does exactly that. I would say more than that kind of drop will happen, as many quit and many go on academic probation. By the end of it, half of all engineering students (at least, I think there is some fudging here) drop out of school. The fudging may be that, though half drop out of school, even more change majors. In any case, engineering school is meant to be difficult, brutal in fact. And though as I said, I do not believe we are learning so much as being tested, we are being tested on materials we will likely see when we find an employer who will then teach us what we are to do. My frustration is with the difficulty of fairly attaining a high enough grade to go on to graduate school. Perhaps this is not as much of a problem as I now see it, as testing well for graduate school, among other options, may also open graduate school, but grades looms large right now.
Yes, this is a journal of the frustrations of the process. So, I will not claim to be correct, I do not say that I am being oppressed personally in truth, I do complain and suspect here. What I will do is complain, fantasize, and bark at some hollow blue moon. And, I will enjoy doing so. I try to do it here rather in the real world to other students, as it does no good. But doing it here gets it off my mind and sets it away from me. So, there you go. I hope that clarifies the thing. Now, please, if you would get off my cranky cloud number 9 so that I may resume my vitriol, thank you.
.
I can neither sleep well, or long, or I simply sleep so hard the alarm clocks are irrelevant and I sleep for a day or two. In any case, I am living in a zombie like state. I have looked at the material but I am so exhausted most of the time I might as well be trying to decipher the material from a book about it written in a foreign language. It was like this with physics but that material was both a little more familiar and slightly easier at the level of the course I am taking. I am in a real fix. I will continue to do what I can, when I can, but this is not looking good. I am considering a medical delay option, depending on how things go with the doctor. He would have to sign off on it and I do not know that he will.
Something else, I seem to be writing poorly. I have received some requests for clarification regarding cheating at school. First off, let me say that this is a journal. College is the enemy, in a way. It is the giant and I am the little guy. Of course I am going to have thoughts of oppression and such, it is the way of it. As a fact, every undergraduate and graduate student and professor I know still suffers through such from time to time. But there is more.
I do believe there is a lot of cheating going on. It seems to be, to a minor extent, the way of all systems. Overt favoritism to discrete dalliances, any human system is flawed. As well, with cheating having become a, seemingly, socially acceptable means of advancement, why would that change because one enters higher education? And, professors often have to develop much more complicated tests to hinder cheating. This change puts those who do not cheat at a distinct disadvantage. As well, some of what I consider cheating may not be such. Learning how to program some of the calculators we use, for instance, is not actually cheating. However, if someone does that and then passes it around, it begins to fringe on cheating.
Do I trust the two professors I have in classes now? Yes, actually. Both seem to offer the material in a fairly straightforward manner, with probability and statistics being a little less so. That less straightforward manner of bringing the material out, however, has more to do with the nature of the material than any choice of the professor to hide or cloud the issue. I have found the professor I have spoken with about the material relatively open to discussion and helpful in the matters. I have seen no real reason to not trust them. The strange bell curves are going to exist in once class because of people like me. The other class, however, does cause some questions, but this does not mean the professor is directly a part of that.
As well, and of course, engineering school is meant to test, not teach, it seems. The goal is to not fail, in spite of failing. We needed a 3.0 or higher to be accepted and our grades are allowed to drop to a 2.0 by our first year, then they need to advance to a 2.2 by sophomore level. I cannot remember after that. And, the average student does exactly that. I would say more than that kind of drop will happen, as many quit and many go on academic probation. By the end of it, half of all engineering students (at least, I think there is some fudging here) drop out of school. The fudging may be that, though half drop out of school, even more change majors. In any case, engineering school is meant to be difficult, brutal in fact. And though as I said, I do not believe we are learning so much as being tested, we are being tested on materials we will likely see when we find an employer who will then teach us what we are to do. My frustration is with the difficulty of fairly attaining a high enough grade to go on to graduate school. Perhaps this is not as much of a problem as I now see it, as testing well for graduate school, among other options, may also open graduate school, but grades looms large right now.
Yes, this is a journal of the frustrations of the process. So, I will not claim to be correct, I do not say that I am being oppressed personally in truth, I do complain and suspect here. What I will do is complain, fantasize, and bark at some hollow blue moon. And, I will enjoy doing so. I try to do it here rather in the real world to other students, as it does no good. But doing it here gets it off my mind and sets it away from me. So, there you go. I hope that clarifies the thing. Now, please, if you would get off my cranky cloud number 9 so that I may resume my vitriol, thank you.
The simple truth.
.
.
I expect Obama will become the next president. As well, I do believe the Democrats will rest control of congress. Regardless of whether I believe this election is legitimate, I do believe this eventuality was foreseen and inevitable. This would have happened earlier, but our first communist was beset on two fronts. The first front was age and disease, the other front was a Republican congress. What this means, to me, is beyond mere words. It means I am no longer a state sponsored free man. When Hitler took office, when Lenin took over, when the Eastern Bloc puppets were placed in power, this is what it looked like. It will take a few years for the Constitution to be subverted, but it will happen. It will start slowly, and sometimes very brown-shirt like. Thugs will attack those in the media who disagree with what is being done. Our media has shown it is willing to be a slave, with few exceptions. After that is cared for, bloggers will be shut down, one way or another. Then the “legal” methods of disenfranchisement will begin. Firearms will become illegal. Elections will be set. Freedoms will be curtailed with, of course, some room for overt corruption as a means of making everyone culpable in being an outlaw. Beyond, with the Feds having a vested interest in all major banks now and with their forces mustered to control Wall Street, various levels of centralized economic planning will begin. Woe be to those who wish to be independent thinkers and actors, even innocently. This time, we will not be saved from our oppressor by age, disease, or Republican resistance.
It, hopefully, will take some time for the implementation of full blown socialism and communism. There is some time to plan, if no real hope for real escape as there is nowhere in the world to go. The planning has begun, in my mind, in means of maintaining as much freedom and life as is possible for as long as possible. I must guess that, if bloggers existed pre-Hitler and pre-Stalin, historians might have saved some blogs much as this one. Though, given historians near wholesale sell out of history, this material would be archived and kept from public edification, if too they would be kept from the powers that be so as to keep historian’s little indulgences into non-group think for their own perverse pleasure. Time is not our friend nor, it seems, is the Republic. Though I hope Americans and the Republic will choose to save itself, I do not see great hope in that. So, it comes down to us. Those of us who know better had best start considering our options, for they are few and time sensitive.
What am I going to do? I do not know, not for sure. I do have a few ideas. I have changed these a bit, due to my previous and public considerations. I, most likely, have as many enemies reading this blog as I have friends. Beyond, even if all you all where friends, thugs have a means of attaining information that goes beyond the typical man’s capacity to refuse the giving of information. I have some equipment and I will be garnering more as I complete my plans to head out. I must admit, I do not plan to go live in the bushes, I merely mean to relocate and lie low. I plan to live in a place where questions are less likely to be asked. I also plan to begin collecting things which should be saved, bibles, the constitution, the bill of rights, and other collections of wisdom. I would consider saving sciences, however, I think those are fairly safe, if their conclusions may become controlled. Then again, that to some degree is already the case.
After the election, I will know for sure. My plans are nearly set, yet I wait to ensure that the end of the Republic is at hand. Once I watch it die, I will begin completing my plans and then begin implementing them. A fire give-away, some drastic choices, a move, and then a settling in. The settling in will include a network of information gathering, a beginning of new friendships and alliances, and finding ways of living quietly and somewhat secretly. I am too old to really fight, and beside I am unsure any such fight would be fruitful. Though I believe large groups being obliterated in warfare against an overbearing state, time and again, would eventually have some real affect, I fear that such a thing would eventually merely turn to terrorism which I do not abide, which methods I do not believe are right serving, and which beyond that I do not believe will work in the end.
And, yes, that is how I see it. Many of you cannot move and believe you will not need to move or hide or change. Most of you speak your mind, whether left or right. As such, I assure you, you will be subdued. You will be pushed. If you are on-line, you have some wealth and education. Both of those also go against you. Do what you wish and believe what you must. Your hope in man, if it exists, will soon be extinguished. My hope is with you, but my surety is not.
.
I expect Obama will become the next president. As well, I do believe the Democrats will rest control of congress. Regardless of whether I believe this election is legitimate, I do believe this eventuality was foreseen and inevitable. This would have happened earlier, but our first communist was beset on two fronts. The first front was age and disease, the other front was a Republican congress. What this means, to me, is beyond mere words. It means I am no longer a state sponsored free man. When Hitler took office, when Lenin took over, when the Eastern Bloc puppets were placed in power, this is what it looked like. It will take a few years for the Constitution to be subverted, but it will happen. It will start slowly, and sometimes very brown-shirt like. Thugs will attack those in the media who disagree with what is being done. Our media has shown it is willing to be a slave, with few exceptions. After that is cared for, bloggers will be shut down, one way or another. Then the “legal” methods of disenfranchisement will begin. Firearms will become illegal. Elections will be set. Freedoms will be curtailed with, of course, some room for overt corruption as a means of making everyone culpable in being an outlaw. Beyond, with the Feds having a vested interest in all major banks now and with their forces mustered to control Wall Street, various levels of centralized economic planning will begin. Woe be to those who wish to be independent thinkers and actors, even innocently. This time, we will not be saved from our oppressor by age, disease, or Republican resistance.
It, hopefully, will take some time for the implementation of full blown socialism and communism. There is some time to plan, if no real hope for real escape as there is nowhere in the world to go. The planning has begun, in my mind, in means of maintaining as much freedom and life as is possible for as long as possible. I must guess that, if bloggers existed pre-Hitler and pre-Stalin, historians might have saved some blogs much as this one. Though, given historians near wholesale sell out of history, this material would be archived and kept from public edification, if too they would be kept from the powers that be so as to keep historian’s little indulgences into non-group think for their own perverse pleasure. Time is not our friend nor, it seems, is the Republic. Though I hope Americans and the Republic will choose to save itself, I do not see great hope in that. So, it comes down to us. Those of us who know better had best start considering our options, for they are few and time sensitive.
What am I going to do? I do not know, not for sure. I do have a few ideas. I have changed these a bit, due to my previous and public considerations. I, most likely, have as many enemies reading this blog as I have friends. Beyond, even if all you all where friends, thugs have a means of attaining information that goes beyond the typical man’s capacity to refuse the giving of information. I have some equipment and I will be garnering more as I complete my plans to head out. I must admit, I do not plan to go live in the bushes, I merely mean to relocate and lie low. I plan to live in a place where questions are less likely to be asked. I also plan to begin collecting things which should be saved, bibles, the constitution, the bill of rights, and other collections of wisdom. I would consider saving sciences, however, I think those are fairly safe, if their conclusions may become controlled. Then again, that to some degree is already the case.
After the election, I will know for sure. My plans are nearly set, yet I wait to ensure that the end of the Republic is at hand. Once I watch it die, I will begin completing my plans and then begin implementing them. A fire give-away, some drastic choices, a move, and then a settling in. The settling in will include a network of information gathering, a beginning of new friendships and alliances, and finding ways of living quietly and somewhat secretly. I am too old to really fight, and beside I am unsure any such fight would be fruitful. Though I believe large groups being obliterated in warfare against an overbearing state, time and again, would eventually have some real affect, I fear that such a thing would eventually merely turn to terrorism which I do not abide, which methods I do not believe are right serving, and which beyond that I do not believe will work in the end.
And, yes, that is how I see it. Many of you cannot move and believe you will not need to move or hide or change. Most of you speak your mind, whether left or right. As such, I assure you, you will be subdued. You will be pushed. If you are on-line, you have some wealth and education. Both of those also go against you. Do what you wish and believe what you must. Your hope in man, if it exists, will soon be extinguished. My hope is with you, but my surety is not.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
A run in with the police and some thoughts on politics.
.
.
My run in with the police should not have been a problem. For my part, my headlights were not on and it was night. When I go through a fast-food drive-through I switch from headlights to running lights as a courtesy to other drivers in line. I had done this and then forgotten to turn the headlights back on. I get received my food then drove out of the frontage road area and pulled onto a busy thoroughfare, ignorant of my situation. All of a sudden I see flashing lights and I pull to the inner lane (which is also the turn lane) to allow him through, but he pulls into my lane so I begin looking for a reasonable place to pull over and park and spot a parking lot. So, I get set to pull off the busy road and get to a parking lot. He starts yelling out of his vehicle and aims his spotlight on my side rearview mirror and puts on his siren as I am making the turn and orders me to stop. I got a little hot, so I stop, mid-turn, on a busy intersection, and get out.
Yeah, it could have gotten hairy. It did not. He cools his jets a bit, asks me to get back in my vehicle, and comes up to talk. He is still very rude, demands my particulars (drivers license, registration, and proof of insurance). I still do not know, at this point, why I am being pulled over! And yes, I am still a bit miffed. He returns to his vehicle to run everything. As he is leaving, he suggests this is about me not having my headlights on and that while I slowed to turn, he thought I had stopped and had gotten out of his vehicle (I had not seen him do this), he said something else but I did not hear it (just that it did not sound smart). When he returned his attitude was gone. He has a warning ticket but he is also very apologetic about his behavior. He also suggests I not leave the vehicle in such situations (which even I know and follow given rational situations). He actually and literally apologized. I accept the apology and decide not to speak with his boss, after he explained his side of it to me.
Though still a bit put out, it is more left-over adrenaline from the encounter. No harm, no foul, if I think something is just a misunderstanding. He had indicated that they (officers) can never tell in these situations, given his side of things and my exiting the vehicle, if he is dealing with an anti-cop, someone on something, or what. And, yeah, I see that. As well, I think he finally understood that not only was I cool, I was legitimate. I wanted to tell him that I respect law enforcement, the job it does, the restraint officers usually show, and such, but I just thanked him for his service. Too much is too much. The more I think of his words, the more I hate academia, actually. With people like Ayers running the show, supporting hate and vitriol against both military and police, I have no misunderstanding of why the culture wars are so hot that situations like this happen. As a vet., I feel it every day here. It must be much more so the officers.
In another vein, I keep hearing that McCain might really win and yet that the Democrats are set to take over congress and very possibly in a bullet-proof manner. One of these has to be ridiculous, or the elections are rigged. Those who vote for McCain would not vote for Democratic congressmen. If McCain is elected and the Democrats get their congress, it will mean the votes are counted like the census… according to “statistics”* but with the allowance of a RINO president. Though I think that will not happen. I do not care if everyone voted for McCain, he will lose. This election has already been stolen, most likely. Any other outcome will mean the Republic aspect of this nation is still intact enough to split the thing. Call me a doubting Thomas if you must, it is what I believe. As for my part, I will not vote. I will not lend legitimacy to a broken false system. Until they clean out the election junk, clean out the Republican Party, and get straight, I am out of the process. Not that you care, but now you know.
*see academia, to and maybe especially include “statisticians”, rant above
.
My run in with the police should not have been a problem. For my part, my headlights were not on and it was night. When I go through a fast-food drive-through I switch from headlights to running lights as a courtesy to other drivers in line. I had done this and then forgotten to turn the headlights back on. I get received my food then drove out of the frontage road area and pulled onto a busy thoroughfare, ignorant of my situation. All of a sudden I see flashing lights and I pull to the inner lane (which is also the turn lane) to allow him through, but he pulls into my lane so I begin looking for a reasonable place to pull over and park and spot a parking lot. So, I get set to pull off the busy road and get to a parking lot. He starts yelling out of his vehicle and aims his spotlight on my side rearview mirror and puts on his siren as I am making the turn and orders me to stop. I got a little hot, so I stop, mid-turn, on a busy intersection, and get out.
Yeah, it could have gotten hairy. It did not. He cools his jets a bit, asks me to get back in my vehicle, and comes up to talk. He is still very rude, demands my particulars (drivers license, registration, and proof of insurance). I still do not know, at this point, why I am being pulled over! And yes, I am still a bit miffed. He returns to his vehicle to run everything. As he is leaving, he suggests this is about me not having my headlights on and that while I slowed to turn, he thought I had stopped and had gotten out of his vehicle (I had not seen him do this), he said something else but I did not hear it (just that it did not sound smart). When he returned his attitude was gone. He has a warning ticket but he is also very apologetic about his behavior. He also suggests I not leave the vehicle in such situations (which even I know and follow given rational situations). He actually and literally apologized. I accept the apology and decide not to speak with his boss, after he explained his side of it to me.
Though still a bit put out, it is more left-over adrenaline from the encounter. No harm, no foul, if I think something is just a misunderstanding. He had indicated that they (officers) can never tell in these situations, given his side of things and my exiting the vehicle, if he is dealing with an anti-cop, someone on something, or what. And, yeah, I see that. As well, I think he finally understood that not only was I cool, I was legitimate. I wanted to tell him that I respect law enforcement, the job it does, the restraint officers usually show, and such, but I just thanked him for his service. Too much is too much. The more I think of his words, the more I hate academia, actually. With people like Ayers running the show, supporting hate and vitriol against both military and police, I have no misunderstanding of why the culture wars are so hot that situations like this happen. As a vet., I feel it every day here. It must be much more so the officers.
In another vein, I keep hearing that McCain might really win and yet that the Democrats are set to take over congress and very possibly in a bullet-proof manner. One of these has to be ridiculous, or the elections are rigged. Those who vote for McCain would not vote for Democratic congressmen. If McCain is elected and the Democrats get their congress, it will mean the votes are counted like the census… according to “statistics”* but with the allowance of a RINO president. Though I think that will not happen. I do not care if everyone voted for McCain, he will lose. This election has already been stolen, most likely. Any other outcome will mean the Republic aspect of this nation is still intact enough to split the thing. Call me a doubting Thomas if you must, it is what I believe. As for my part, I will not vote. I will not lend legitimacy to a broken false system. Until they clean out the election junk, clean out the Republican Party, and get straight, I am out of the process. Not that you care, but now you know.
*see academia, to and maybe especially include “statisticians”, rant above
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Evil and me.
.
.
I keep having a strange notion. This notion indicates that if I simply let go I may see my worldly aims hit their mark. If I release my belief that there are right and wrong I may more freely roam the plains of success. Should I relinquish my understanding of sterling character I may find more friends. And should I give my ideals the slip I might easily find a relief from my pains. My successes would include a career and access to power, my new friends would cover my back while I do whatever I please, and I would no longer need to worry about the hurts that come from betrayal and the many wounds caused by powerful enemies who live outside of my worldview. Beyond, I know that I have been given all the gifts to rise to the top of the dark pile of human moral detritus. To be honest, I think I was born to that. Free will has a way of messing up the best laid plans of mice and demons.
I suppose what I am saying is, if I would just let go and do what my darker instincts suggest, I could have my way. I could have my way with women, I could have a pile of gold, and I could do pretty much anything I want. I am built strongly and smartly enough that I could take what I want and outthink and outmaneuver most, if not all opponents. If I joined others like me, life could be quite pleasurable. Why do I resist? It seems the more I resist, the more resistance I encounter. Whether the resistance is active, in people who know and wish for me to let go, or passively, in people who are drifting in life and who’s hands are evil but who also do not know or understand what they do, I face a formidable enemy who only wants to “get along” so long as I and others offer no resistance.
I remember as a very young pre-teen being offered a “joint”. I refused. I was attacked. I broke his nose in two places, barely getting off my butt to do so. Sure, his friend, a sophomore, came along and beat me down (no broken anything, happily), but I did not submit. I remember being offered a “train”. Not only would I not join, I first asked the woman if this was her wish and when assured she was in on it, I left before the thing left the station. I have been offered evil often. Though I have certainly failed some, no, many tests, there has been a line I have not crossed. I guess I am a prude. I like being a prude. I not only cannot tolerate that step over the line, I recoil from it. Even in those times where I walked, for my part, away from God, I could not walk there. I had walked, for my part, away from God because I thought some of those who claimed to be his people were participants in walking over the line (some where) and because I thought the world itself was so inherently evil that God must not exist, so worship was foolish. Though I still see many of those who claim to be His are false, I now see that is not Him or His will, only the power of His perfection to allow choice. No simple nuance there, only truth when one chooses lines of an objective nature and the truth of our failure therein. I was made to sin, and sin well. I have chosen otherwise.
You know what though? For a prude, I enjoy life so very much. If I am kept from my idea of success, with my God and an attempt to do His will, I cannot fail. If I am not able to find a wife and procreate in praise of His first real command, my life will not be lost and I will not die even then. Sin has never offered me satisfaction. From what I have seen, sin only satisfies itself into further sin so that in the end, those who “enjoy” sin are merely addicts and slaves to their wants, eaten up by the evil of the cycle. They enjoy what they do so little that many commit suicide and other more serious sins as a sign of how dissatisfied they are but which are offered up as “proof” of an enjoyable pleasurable life. They, most of them, know their hands are not their own. They know, by giving up, they have lost control. I pray for them, if I would kill one should he cross certain lines in front of me. And, I pray that God will have some sympathy on my lot and guide me. Should he decide to test me, after what he did on the cross, I must simply submit.
Just some thoughts.
.
I keep having a strange notion. This notion indicates that if I simply let go I may see my worldly aims hit their mark. If I release my belief that there are right and wrong I may more freely roam the plains of success. Should I relinquish my understanding of sterling character I may find more friends. And should I give my ideals the slip I might easily find a relief from my pains. My successes would include a career and access to power, my new friends would cover my back while I do whatever I please, and I would no longer need to worry about the hurts that come from betrayal and the many wounds caused by powerful enemies who live outside of my worldview. Beyond, I know that I have been given all the gifts to rise to the top of the dark pile of human moral detritus. To be honest, I think I was born to that. Free will has a way of messing up the best laid plans of mice and demons.
I suppose what I am saying is, if I would just let go and do what my darker instincts suggest, I could have my way. I could have my way with women, I could have a pile of gold, and I could do pretty much anything I want. I am built strongly and smartly enough that I could take what I want and outthink and outmaneuver most, if not all opponents. If I joined others like me, life could be quite pleasurable. Why do I resist? It seems the more I resist, the more resistance I encounter. Whether the resistance is active, in people who know and wish for me to let go, or passively, in people who are drifting in life and who’s hands are evil but who also do not know or understand what they do, I face a formidable enemy who only wants to “get along” so long as I and others offer no resistance.
I remember as a very young pre-teen being offered a “joint”. I refused. I was attacked. I broke his nose in two places, barely getting off my butt to do so. Sure, his friend, a sophomore, came along and beat me down (no broken anything, happily), but I did not submit. I remember being offered a “train”. Not only would I not join, I first asked the woman if this was her wish and when assured she was in on it, I left before the thing left the station. I have been offered evil often. Though I have certainly failed some, no, many tests, there has been a line I have not crossed. I guess I am a prude. I like being a prude. I not only cannot tolerate that step over the line, I recoil from it. Even in those times where I walked, for my part, away from God, I could not walk there. I had walked, for my part, away from God because I thought some of those who claimed to be his people were participants in walking over the line (some where) and because I thought the world itself was so inherently evil that God must not exist, so worship was foolish. Though I still see many of those who claim to be His are false, I now see that is not Him or His will, only the power of His perfection to allow choice. No simple nuance there, only truth when one chooses lines of an objective nature and the truth of our failure therein. I was made to sin, and sin well. I have chosen otherwise.
You know what though? For a prude, I enjoy life so very much. If I am kept from my idea of success, with my God and an attempt to do His will, I cannot fail. If I am not able to find a wife and procreate in praise of His first real command, my life will not be lost and I will not die even then. Sin has never offered me satisfaction. From what I have seen, sin only satisfies itself into further sin so that in the end, those who “enjoy” sin are merely addicts and slaves to their wants, eaten up by the evil of the cycle. They enjoy what they do so little that many commit suicide and other more serious sins as a sign of how dissatisfied they are but which are offered up as “proof” of an enjoyable pleasurable life. They, most of them, know their hands are not their own. They know, by giving up, they have lost control. I pray for them, if I would kill one should he cross certain lines in front of me. And, I pray that God will have some sympathy on my lot and guide me. Should he decide to test me, after what he did on the cross, I must simply submit.
Just some thoughts.
Friday, October 24, 2008
Taking care of business while I drown.
.
.
I finally took care of calling my priest and asking for advice regarding my medical situation. He was not sure what to do, exactly, and it is a long boring story (which I tried to curtail a good deal), so he merely suggested the name of the doctor he sees. I thanked him for his time, he offered to pray for me, and I breathed a sigh of relief. He did not yell or think me insane or anything, and I think he understood if he did not know how to proceed exactly. As for me, I think he did well. I immediately searched for the doctor he suggested, online, found his phone number, and placed a call to his office. Haste, for me, is not waste, it is vital to getting something done in these times and ways. The receptionist was not sure she would be able to arrange an appointment since I did not have insurance, so she put me through to the business end of the business. Certainly, was the reply to my query gathered from the previous conversant, I could be seen without insurance. The next two questions went as well, is he seeing new patients and what are his fees if roughly? Yes and within my budget, or at least I have enough in the bank to pay up front, respectively.
I am quite nervous about this and I have nearly a week to get myself together and try to sound coherent, offering a believable story (or, making my true tale sound true, really), and begin taking care of business as I may. I do expect some cynicism. And I worry that doctors prefer not to step on each other’s toes, or practices. I will certainly explain who I received his name from. Going to a priest for help with a cooked up mess is a little less likely for a scammer. And, he will have someone he may speak with as to my nature as far as Father knows me. And, after these last few years, I think the one thing Father knows is even when I possibly should not speak what I believe and truthfully, I do. And I do not spare my own self from that truth. There have only been six or seven situations where we have had contact personally, but I think those contacts were significant. As my singular confessor, as well, he knows it all. And I do mean that. As well, there was a lot to find out. My last few confessions have been quite tame comparatively (but it is still quite important to me and him).
I will, however, not be able to make it to class today. I am going to crash so hard it will hurt. I tried to get caught up for today’s quiz and do the homework. Though I studied long and hard, it just is not working. I spent too much time on physics this week, of the time I had available for serious study. I will have to try and dig in and bail out what I may. I think I can still do this, I am staying up with the ideas, if not the practicum. But I am so tired, so often, and so harshly, that it is going to be nightmarish for a while. In about a week, I will find out if there is a medical assistance available to me. If not, I will struggle through here this term, close up shop, and figure a way out. I may even go a little native by packing everything up, grabbing some last winter kit pieces, a few food items, and heading into wilder winter arenas, probably in Utah. I am almost hoping for that after this betrayal.
.
I finally took care of calling my priest and asking for advice regarding my medical situation. He was not sure what to do, exactly, and it is a long boring story (which I tried to curtail a good deal), so he merely suggested the name of the doctor he sees. I thanked him for his time, he offered to pray for me, and I breathed a sigh of relief. He did not yell or think me insane or anything, and I think he understood if he did not know how to proceed exactly. As for me, I think he did well. I immediately searched for the doctor he suggested, online, found his phone number, and placed a call to his office. Haste, for me, is not waste, it is vital to getting something done in these times and ways. The receptionist was not sure she would be able to arrange an appointment since I did not have insurance, so she put me through to the business end of the business. Certainly, was the reply to my query gathered from the previous conversant, I could be seen without insurance. The next two questions went as well, is he seeing new patients and what are his fees if roughly? Yes and within my budget, or at least I have enough in the bank to pay up front, respectively.
I am quite nervous about this and I have nearly a week to get myself together and try to sound coherent, offering a believable story (or, making my true tale sound true, really), and begin taking care of business as I may. I do expect some cynicism. And I worry that doctors prefer not to step on each other’s toes, or practices. I will certainly explain who I received his name from. Going to a priest for help with a cooked up mess is a little less likely for a scammer. And, he will have someone he may speak with as to my nature as far as Father knows me. And, after these last few years, I think the one thing Father knows is even when I possibly should not speak what I believe and truthfully, I do. And I do not spare my own self from that truth. There have only been six or seven situations where we have had contact personally, but I think those contacts were significant. As my singular confessor, as well, he knows it all. And I do mean that. As well, there was a lot to find out. My last few confessions have been quite tame comparatively (but it is still quite important to me and him).
I will, however, not be able to make it to class today. I am going to crash so hard it will hurt. I tried to get caught up for today’s quiz and do the homework. Though I studied long and hard, it just is not working. I spent too much time on physics this week, of the time I had available for serious study. I will have to try and dig in and bail out what I may. I think I can still do this, I am staying up with the ideas, if not the practicum. But I am so tired, so often, and so harshly, that it is going to be nightmarish for a while. In about a week, I will find out if there is a medical assistance available to me. If not, I will struggle through here this term, close up shop, and figure a way out. I may even go a little native by packing everything up, grabbing some last winter kit pieces, a few food items, and heading into wilder winter arenas, probably in Utah. I am almost hoping for that after this betrayal.
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