An interesting day.

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My doctor and dental appointments were a bit tough. They didn't like that I had quit my meds for three days. "You should have called"! "It really could have killed you"! "What were you thinking"! "Hold off, cease, desist!", says I. As for the fact that it could have killed me, if I hadn't stopped, I would have gone into unconsciousness and dropped the medicines, not for a day but for weeks or months, and missed appointments. I am strongly fragile, I seem to be able to deal with things I shouldn't be able to handle (dropping meds) and not handle what they say I should be able to handle (medicine). If they don't understand that, how can I? I am not a doctor, specialist, or anything. I'm just the end user of a really screwed up body. As for what I was thinking, that is the point. I couldn't think, not even to call.

I really am not crazy. Jaded, a bit, but not crazy. Ill, to be sure, but merely bodily. They don't know what is wrong, nor do I. They are treating a severe heart condition but don't even know what else is wrong with me. Depression? Then why do the heart meds make it worse and medicines supposed to treat it do nothing but add side effects? Yes, I realize my brain is affected by whatever illnesses exist, but not into insanity, more into simply not being able to think. As I said, it would be like camping in a truly cold environment where you can never quite get warm. At near hypothermic conditions, your ability to think simply becomes limited. That explains my condition on higher doses of medicine perfectly. And yet, no matter how often I explain this it is more akin to talking to a brick wall then getting through.

I was told, because of my bad behavior, that I will not be a candidate for a heart transplant should my heart not improve. I told them that I would not even consider a heart transplant. I was told, "Many people say that, but when faced with it they often choose to undergo the procedure". I laughed (a quick outburst), then told them, from the initial consultations, that I had thought I was already at that point and still rejected it. I won't become a Frankenstein freak for their medical experimentation. It is good to know that, since I can't "follow orders", I am not a candidate. Call it doubling down, so that they can't sneak it in on me should I be unconscious and they try to work it past my mother. To say they were angry at me would be to be generous. They didn't say anything bad, they simply didn't want to... deal with me. My next appointment is not until... late January. I guess if you aren't a 'favored son', being prepped for some grand medical experiment, to be useful in their teaching forum, you are a chump. So be it. I am on my own, and knew that from the beginning. I just didn't understand all the rules upfront. I am learning.

The other test, I am told, was not dealing with electrical current or such, but some sort of pressure testing at various points in my heart. As I had said, those numbers all came back very good. The notion that this was some sort of virus was again suggested as the very highly most likely source. I asked how long it takes a heart to get this bad. They had no answer, not even a ballpark. I would still suggest that this has been a very long term event, possibly even to childhood, if I have no proof. I go completely by the fact that I was having "energy" issues, even when young. That wall of exhaustion, limits at times that would come and go, sleep issues. They could be related to social problems, moving often, changing families like some people change clothes, having no stability, things of that nature. But a mildly ill and worsening heart, exacerbated by stresses, could easily fit in there.

The dentist was another matter. I do have some work to be done. My teeth are in excellent condition, in spite of years of abuse and using "chaw" since I was 12. Two visits will be needed to fix things up. It does give me incentive to quit "chewing", if that isn't the whole problem it will help. One real cavity and a good number of 'fixes', including repairing a chipped tooth. My teeth are a bit rough from decades of another form of chewing. I used to literally eat my teeth by grinding them. I have "learned" not to do so. My jaw has improved a great deal and my baby-looking teeth (from being chewed down) are no longer receding. But... they are pretty ragged.

It all seems depressing. Even with silver linings. Sometimes I see the dark clouds, sometimes I see the silver lining, usually I see both. Today, though, dark clouds are all I can get myself to focus upon. The world seems chill, cold, hard, mean. No worries, I will pick myself up like I always do. And I will even be grateful for this dark hard cruel day. It makes the normal and better days... more valuable by comparison. And, yes, even in my darkest days these days, I love life. I like being alive. I enjoy the company of others. So, no worries. While I can come down, I will rise all the better.

Later, or... maybe back to bed for a bit.

Yeah, well, some things are moving forward.

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I almost forgot about the beans that I had set to soak. They are cooking. I also cooked rice but that is done. The wonderful thing about cooking is the cook gets to sample some of the freshly cooked fair. A half of a bowl of rice, with two or three pats of butter, along with two sheets of prsciutto shredded into the mix. After letting that marry a bit, I then added just enough milk to get the rice to cream. To my tastes, it was perfect. I will probably also have of bowl of bean soup when that is done, as well. I only cooked a pound of beans this time. I want to see if that will better serve my needs. Plus, the beans will fit in a smaller container, making storing it and getting it out of the refrigerator much easier. I still need to do a bit of shopping, meats are all I will need to finish the month.

It seems I have two appointments tomorrow. One early, dental later in the day. So, I have a lot of time to burn in SLC. I may try to figure out where a co-op type store is, I need some spices. If I am going to start monkeying with chiles, and other Mexican foods, I want to have very good cumin, oregano, and the hottest damned cayenne I can find. I haven't been able to find a spice hot enough for my tastes since I moved here. The cayenne, even from the Whole Foods (that closed) near the V.A., all they had was a reddish powder that might as well have been mild paprika. Bah! I need some hot stuff. The Mexican restaurant I like in Logan has food that is hot, but it isn't punch-you-on-the-nose hot. I do note that my nose runs when I eat there, and sometimes I bite into some spice, but generally it isn't quite up to my needs.

If need be I will simply look for dried habanero. That is a bit too much, more in the 300,000 range, but I can grind it and use it sparingly. The cayenne I used to love was a special sort, it ran to 170,000 on the scale. Which means it may not actually have been a true cayenne (ground from dried Guinea pepper). I need me some heat, boy, I say boy. I may also go in and check on my cwp. That should have arrived, but you know government workers. They probably sent it to the wrong address as a stall because the FBI is lagging (purposefully is my guess) on their part and yet the state is required to issue within 60 days, but the libtard guv workers hate that and do all kinds of shit to avoid doing their f*ing jobs. Not angry, at all, of course. No, not me. I may try to sleep, if I can get everything cooled and put up. Just a few hours, I don't really need much.

Oh, and I did notice that I do have unlimited data access on my phone. That is a benefit for having been an early subscriber. As such, the only thing I have to sweat is the battery life. I can deal with that. Eventually I would like to get a headphone for it, one that doesn't disturb people around me. When I was younger I didn't know/care. But people walking around with phones, mp3 or other players, either talking out loud or listening to something which is blaring, with or without headphones, has become an extreme pet peeve. So much so that I often simply turn my phone off, and definitely when I have an appointment, even when I am just in the waiting room. Sometimes I forget, but... I find it terribly embarrassing when my phone goes off in public. Anyway, since I have unlimited data, I will keep the phone. I got lucky though. I had kept meaning to go in and ask about data, and return it if it wasn't unlimited, but my health kept me from doing so. And then I noticed something. There is a data usage tab which indicates how much data was used and how much you have left. Mine says unlimited. Nice... Lucky, but I'll take it.

Good night.

I have to laugh!

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Many of the people worried about the economy today suggest that if we just go back to the 2007 federal budget that we will somehow be fine. I hear this even from some sectors of the left, but more often from the soft left (what passes for public conservatives). Now, fine, it would be an improvement. It would be an improvement like slowing your car to 40, from 90, while driving over a cliff. Doesn't anyone stop to think that part of the reason Zero won was because many people knew the US was going in the wrong direction and many people thought Zero would change some of the direction while the "Republican" offered the same thing making him useless? Instead of hitting the accelerator and locking the steering wheel down, but that wasn't what many thought he would do. Even I knew Bush failed, miserably, financially. Something about a bad choice and a worse choice, the socialist versus the hard socialist/communist in a world of simple choices with no real options, until McCain and no difference.

Slowing down isn't how it will work. We are past the point of being able to shift gears and maintain course. The nation has to change directions. Not a bit, not a slight turn, not even a major adjustment. We have to stop, get our bearings, but really then turn a 180. From Social Security to welfare of all sorts to saving companies too big and too little to "not save" on into cronyism for it's own separate sake. Further, we have to amend our tax code and make borrowing too dear so that people save instead of spending our lives away, becoming slaves to debt. Debt none of us should truly be able to get. Debt many will never be able to pay off.

It's not just government. But government has played a huge role in personal debt through it's actions, it's cronyism. The social fabric of the nation is unwinding, decaying. Much of it has to do with free money. It isn't just in the hood. That loan you just got for the motorcycle, boat, whatever? Yeah, not only did you probably not actually qualify for the loan, you got an interest rate you didn't deserve. It's free, slide your EBT, indeed. A civil race to the bottom, as much brought about by a falsified economy as a mandated egalitarianism that simply is as much a fraud as the financial capers.

While it is coming, I gotta tell you, I am not sure "it" is a bad thing, even though it really starts with "sh". Never mind. Just know that poor people can't afford, any longer, to be stupid people. My hope is that Americans prove to be exceptional, as I have always believed, and don't prove to be Greeks, or other Euros. We will see, with the national protests, what happens there. I expect bad things, top down, bottom up, as Jones has indicated. How it is handled will possibly decide the fate of the nation and I don't trust this admin. All you have to do is look at Greece, Egypt, and even Britain, to know how NOT to handle it. Then again, I think those nations are very much corrupted top to bottom and just shoving the middle into a noose, or they have pushed them over the edge at this point, as in Egypt.

"Just return to the 2007 budget!" Idiots.

Working on my schedule.

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I am trying to stay up later and later, working my way around to a day schedule. Given the deep freeze like stasis I just extracted myself from, and that I am not in the best condition even after putting medicine aside for a few days, I have some doubts about how well or easily this will happen. And, of course, I know the best I can do is get to a day schedule, only to lose it before long. I could be grumpy about it, but... why? Well, there are things I need to do, things that require a day schedule. And there is energy use.

I have been working on using less electricity. I have not and will not use the electric heating units this year. But more, I have been working on turning off lights and such. My lady friend used to unplug everything. I won't go that far. Every time she wanted to use the vcr or dvd, she had to use the remotes to set everything up. And while I was living there, she proved incapable of remembering how to do that on many occasions. While not exactly an IQ test, when you are very tired, it can be a trick. Then again, that means I am needing to use the furnace more than ever, and wearing clothes. I hate wearing clothes! Not quite a nudist, I like to run on bare minimums, keeping something handy should visitors happen to appear. It should be interesting to see what the difference is in cost and actual fuel versus electric usage on an energy basis. My bet is that the furnace is much cheaper. I am only adding a few degrees to what I used to run it at. Blathering.

While I am definitely feeling better I am no more able to get things done than before. I have merely, actually, risen to the level of normal dysfunctional ability. I simply can't get to things, especially things that might involve travel, or lots of talking, or layers of effort complicated by the involvement of others. Keeping up on my home is about it. Today I go back on medication. Ugh. I did do an half hour of Morse Code lessons though! At the end of it, all the beeps and bips were simply sounding the same! I did, officially, do well enough on the first lesson to move on. But the second lesson messed me up so I wanted to get the first lesson down better. A bit more work there, but it is moving along.

Later, I believe. Blogging is something I can do, remember to do, it's almost automatic now. Yes, later.

I thought

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wrong. Morse Code, I thought, would be easy enough to learn. Just practice, right? What could be so difficult. Well, no. It is proving to be quite a little trick. I did sign on to a link that has the tools for learning. And I have been working on it. It isn't tricky, or something you just figure out. I guess you just memorize. But applying it, while the computer dits and dahs at you at a terrible pace, even just two letters mixed, is quite a thing. I've only done it a few times, but feeling better, I might try and do a good half an hour a day. If my nerves can handle it! I am not even sure why I am trying to learn. I don't have a radio, or a way to practice save through the computer. And using a keyboard is a rather awkward way of practicing. I suppose it is just something to do. If you think you might be interested, again, here is the link to the place which offers free lessons for Morse Code.

I have tossed the beans, finished off the rice, and done the dishes. I will, before going to bed, set a pot of beans to soak and sweep the floor in preparation for mopping tomorrow. Well, I suppose I should change the cat litter first. Oh, it will get done. I received a call today, from the heart clinic. They asked why I wasn't there. Hmm. I had the appointment down as Wednesday, and I put that in when speaking with the doctors. The guy said to just come on in as I had it scheduled, and so I will. I did get a reminder but I didn't look at it since I knew it was already in my phone and I didn't see a cancellation or change of date notice. I will look a little closer from now on.

Ah, good night.

An explanation.

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Reviewing my posts, I realized I probably indicated something that might have been confusing, not to mention shocking. One of the playlist videos was Queer by Garbage. I thought the video itself would be clear, but I must remember most people have no notion of things sexual, to a degree, beyond hetero and homosexuality. To answer a possible question, no, I have never had sex with a man, or even an interest in such. And yet I have had very queer relationships, with women. Or, at least I have had women try to engage in such with me. No, that has nothing to do with anything pertaining to my end parts. What it has to do with is women who "like to be on top", among other things. And, actually, I didn't allow much in that way.

Women, who have let go of morality, chastity, and such, end up being far queerer than any two same sex couples could imagine. It was never my gig, but such women are easily available. While exploring the feminine world out there, I ran across all sorts of things. At least a third of my lovers were, or so they said, lesbians. But worse, some women have the absolute freakiest needs or wants really. I won't go into details, but from some of my explorations, I believe there is something to the notion of Lilith. I was simply looking for a solid normal woman, and really, they are very rare. And even they, if not chaste, even in marriage, can become monsters.

Some people have lead such normal lives that they have no idea how deep that pool is out there. Being a curious, and for whatever reason successful, lover, I found myself in some of the weirdest situations. Learning quickly that I was at the wrong place, I moved on. This was back when the concept of equality was something I actually thought could be real. It can't be, as I know things now. And the only way to have a mostly straight relationship with a woman is for the man to lead the dance. And, really, to marry before that.

No, I still have a... different view of sexuality than the typical man. I like drama queens, I enjoy fertile imaginings, I am bestial if not sinfully (think animal, organic) in my approach to sex. And, while I like women, I know they can't be let loose, not completely. Nor can my passions. Therein are some of the fires of hell. Let us say I have an interesting take on such, but that I have learned to temper things. It has taken decades, and two periods of celibacy of which I am currently in the last of those, to find some sanity there.

I find it funny that my docs suggested that someone in my condition might be killed by sex. They certainly are not talking about me. You will simply have to trust me. If I stop being able to have long, hard, wonderful sex... I will be dead. I am feral in this way. At 80% heart failure, I can still... work that system like a rabbit and for long sessions, if I do everything in my power to avoid doing so. Dancing with yourself, as Billy Idol might suggest, is a sin, and against my will, if too occasionally beyond my control. That should tell you something. Anyway, that might clear up any... questions. Just remember, exit only. It's not just a motto, sexually, it is all I have known or been interested, for my part.

Like speaking to children. So be it.

Feeling better.

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The slight vacation from medicine has been wonderful. Today is the last day, then I go back onto a cut dose tomorrow. It is not that I am doing all that much more, or truly more active, it is more that I feel more normal. The difference would be comparable to camping in a frozen landscape for a week, with warmth never being more than enough to simply sustain, then finding a place where real warmth can be found. My brain and body are much more functional, awake, conscious.

I hate going back on the medication but I think it the wiser choice. At least I now have this tool by which I can get some R&R before trudging back onto medication. As I said though, I will be cutting medication, and possibly doing it again, as I need. The doctors simply can't get what they want. If I end up living a few years less, so be it. I have no choice in the matter myself. To be honest, I think the medicines are working anyway. In February I am going to ask that they test my heart again. I'll put ten to one odds that it is better, possibly much better. We will see.

I still can't do much. Which is fine. So long as my mind is my own and my body does work for the little things I can get it to do. If I can only get to half of what I want, it is much better than not even being able to stay awake without my eyes hurting as if I hadn't slept, despite sleeping most of the time. Heck, I was sleeping right here in my chair, for much of the time.

Sweeping and mopping and the plate and few pieces of silverware in the sink will be washed tonight. Tomorrow I will probably dump what remains of the beans, which means I should set another pot of beans to soak in order to cook later or tomorrow. I probably will go with half of what I made last time. About a pound of dry beans is what I can eat before they go bad. I will check on the rice too. Those two make an excellent group of items to have around as adds or even a nice mix all by themselves. Component food works well.

Later.

I know.

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My stories seem crazy. Running into another married woman and seeing the past flash before my eyes, the potential, the insanity of my old life. It was a different life. Things people not only don't do, but don't consider, was simply how things happened back when. It is not that I didn't consider morality, I was simply amoral. I didn't know, in some ways. Sure, I knew the words. I had never seen them in practice. Perhaps it was just bad luck, perhaps because my eyes were opened to sin at a very young age which allowed me to see things adults thought they kept hidden, perhaps it was the age in which I was raised.

I do not shed tears for those days any more than I shed tears for fighting. I do, however, bear scars. I can't say I bear shame. I did my best to keep real 'good girls' out of my path. I was jaded by the time I was 13, and fairly experienced. And there were plenty of girls and women available by then. It's almost like we had a secret set of nods and looks so we communicated right over and around the normal virgin world. We knew who knew, who was available, and that it was mostly just for kicks. Though if I could steal the heart of a heartless strumpet, I would. More fame, more glory, more prospects. Pat Benatar's "Hit Me With Your Best Shot" was their opening line, and, well, I did. Women almost always lose in a free-for-all, but they knew it going in.

It all comes back with one encounter. I don't remember all of the names or faces, and certainly not all of the affairs. It was such a cruel world. And for all the women I held, there was so little real love. Looking back on it, it was a cold place, a empty time. If I regret something more than anything else, it is that it took so long to see that. Further, I suppose, to realize that as the male, the leader, I might have lead one of those women to a right life. A good man can do that. But I was weak. Little did they know, but I feared my own shadow, regarding them. I couldn't deal with love. Sex, sure. But dealing with a full grown woman, in love, for life, and all? Children? I had no clue. I still have no clue, truth be told. What I have is faith, and a path. They aren't just hot bodies anymore. They are daughters of man, children of God.

I can't believe how easy, though, it would be for me to revert to those dark paths. I am so damned hungry, it has been so long. I could smell her, the earthy nature of her womanhood, her hunger, the way animals do. I can see right through anything she says, or wears should I lower my shields. She was hungry too, very. I've been there, seemingly, a thousand times. Perhaps at least that many times if I didn't always have the opportunity to develop what I saw.

Anyway, I'll keep things kosher and... try to get in to Church. It is there that I hope to do right, to find, then marry, a truly good woman. There is some *cough* room for her having some history. *cough* I have no doubt that I could land the right woman. I just have to meet several, and... let nature take over, within the limits of God's prescriptions. It isn't up to the woman, she isn't even involved in the decision, to a greater degree. Believe what you will, the man has to make, and make right, the relationship. Women follow, men lead. Anything else is a lie that will lead to exactly where I was before. I can lead, but can I lead as God would have me, as a shepherd and not a wolf? To heck but this is has me in a snit.

Hmm.

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I was too tired when in town to do shopping. Since my friend wasn't doing well, I couldn't just use his need to go to the store to counter my exhaustion and go anyway. But... something has changed. Let us just say a window has opened. And though I would rather not go, with my needs and an open window, I will go. Wow, I typed that in about 3 seconds. Yeah, something is rising. Unshackled of the medicine, I... Yes indeed.

Later.

Still listless.

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I did get a shower, loaded up one of the rifles and some of ammunition, and headed into town. Way late, leaving an hour after I had suggested even after giving myself a couple of hours leeway. Two days without medication is what it took to even get me out of my home. Perhaps another day medicine free is what it will take. I will go back on a cut dose though, after that. I know I have an appointment coming up, regarding this stuff, but so be it. I will just have to explain why I did what I did and see what we can do. I know I can't go up on medication, the question at this point is how far I need to go down on it.

My friend was feeling quite ill, so decided against shooting or shopping. And rather than a long visit, the stop was rather short. But this means he probably knows exactly how I have felt for the last week. Unable to wake early, wake well when I did wake, or do more than shuffle from bed to computer desk, occasionally eating and drinking, and taking medication. That was all I was capable of doing and it was pushing things even so.

What is so odd is that I don't look sick at all. You would not know, by talking to me for an hour, that I am completely snow blind. I stopped to pick up some tobacco. I can't quite afford to quit, quite yet. I need a month or two to get my finances back in line. When $26 allows me to feed the habit for a month while quitting would cost more than that per week for about six to eight weeks, I have to stick with the habit.

Again though, while purchasing my habit stuffs, I ran into my typical problems. Married women, that is, and quite interested and interesting. There are three or four of them, in town, who if I needed a lover all I would have to do is arrange the thing. I make virgins squeal and turn into little girls, which makes them ever so annoying. My guess is that married women have learned to deal with this... with me and their natural reactions, so that they can handle keeping some of their cool (not all married women or virgins, just the ones who do find interest in me). Trying to be a good boy is sometimes so damned hard. I'll... keep trying to do right. Sometimes I honestly wonder if even God wants to see me get laid. Either that or He is allowing me to be tempted so far beyond fair play that... Never mind. And, no, I don't relieve believe that God would really lead me into sin. You know how we rationalize our sins of flesh, and of thought. Bah!

Half dead and women still sway my motives. At least there is that. Oh, well, and... I still sway theirs. heh And I got a free cigar out of the deal. No, no, some cigars are just that. Mostly. Inside joke beyond the one you know, and I'm not sharing it. Just... chuckling. I will give you a tip though, no pun intended, and here it is. Women! I suppose I could have advocates explain the various notions.

Women seem to offer this:


No thanks. Bleh. A philistine I might be, but in some things so be it!

How about a little of this? In the secular realm, mind you. Back in the day.

I don't negotiate. I don't need to.

And how I answered their questions. wants. needs. before even that that.

There is a chance I've... been attracted to and attracted some of the damnedest women born though, too.

It's all changed though.

Later or good night.

No, even a bit more.

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I am cutting all medicine for two days. I skipped today and I will skip tomorrow. After doing that accidentally when my mother was here, and getting a week of moderate function from it, I think every week or every other week I will skip medicine for two days. I am still going to cut the dose on carvedilol. Simply put, since I went back to full dose, and taking a bit of time off after my mother returned home, I have been locked into the worst sort of exhaustion. That simply won't do.

The bed ended up being less of a problem than I thought. While I, of course, have not done the laundry, my bed is still made. I have other sheets and blankets. Further, though I did spray Lysol spray, twice, and let that dry, the truth is with as thick and many layers as I put on my bed, nothing got down through the bedding. I am keeping dishes up and the place sorted. It is much nicer to live in an orderly home.

Hopefully, with a brief reprieve from the medication, I will be able to sort some things out. Those tasks I had for last week, if touched on a bit, were not completed. Perhaps this week. I have to keep trying. I haven't been this deeply in exhaustion for a very long time. At least I was able to stay aware this time, and am still working some things out. Aware enough to cut off, then cut back medication.

If I can get in to town tomorrow I will stop by and see my friend. Taking him a rifle and some ammo, and taking him shooting and shopping if he wants. A few packages of meat will see me through the rest of the month. The rice and beans are about at the end of their functional life, and I was not able to freeze any of the beans, so perhaps a new bunch of those will be cooked. The nice thing is that the meats I will be buying will cook easily on my grill, so I will only have to mess with the beans and rice. More milk, too, and perhaps some apples. I have been eating well enough, small meals, bits of this and that, all good. That does help. When I become unable to eat, drink, or even medicate, life can spin out for a good bit.

Blathering, again. But that is as good as it gets at the moment. Lets see if a little medicine vacation helps. Good night.

Cutting back.

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I have no choice. My medicine is simply too strong at this point. It has taken over my life. I find myself unable to keep on target, to wake up well, stay functionally awake for long, do what I want/need to do, or even do eat/drink properly. At least I didn't tip over the line that leaves me unable to remember or think ahead. But I am on the fence with that. The problem is the main drug carvedilol, of which I am taking 25mg twice a day. I will be cutting it back to 25mg (at night) plus 1/2-25mg (in the morning). If that doesn't allow enough function I will need to cut to 2 x 1/2 of 25mg per day. The rest can stay as it is, or be amended by the docs. But this one just absolutely wipes me out. It is the single pill they want to increase, of course. They want it up to 50 mg, twice a day, at least, from what they are telling me. That will never happen without some sort of help. Simply put I would continually lose track of my medication (and the whole world, as well) and end up falling off it. I've tried this thing before, if on other meds. I know where that road leads.

I am not sure what the problem was yesterday. All I know is I was hungry and thirsty beyond reason. I ended up gaining two pounds, mostly from not being able to seemingly get enough fluid. I was tired and thirsty beyond reason. I am again today. No matter how much or what I drink, the felt need to drink more remains. I wasn't able to concentrate yesterday, so I didn't realize the way of it until about bedtime. Today, now that I know something is wrong, I am going to try and rein in consumption. Being extremely exhausted, again, today, it will be a difficult task.

Sam, while I was sleeping, decided that vomiting beside me was a good idea. Usually, when she begins gagging, I wake and toss her outside. I simply didn't hear it, so all of my bedding is in the wash room and needs to be cleaned and dried by this evening. She is henceforth banned from my room until I get my exhaustion under control, at least. That's just too gross.

I sure feel like another nap. And more WATER! Ugh.

Later.

Odd how things are turning out.

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As I was about to go crash again the phone rang. A friend of mine from school, one I visited a few years ago and had called recently to check one of my mothers. It had been about a week since I called and left a message so I was thinking he had blown it off. Sometimes, when all news is bad, some people choose not to pass on the news. Well, that, and people are busy these days. Even when we mean to do something, if it isn't vital to us, and it is an onerous task, and we have ten thousand other things going on, things get lost in the shuffle. As it turns out, he is more like me than not. He simply hadn't checked his voice messages this week until today. Good answer!

We ended up having a very long conversation, and a good one. He was one of the "gifted" in our school and one of my best friends. I 'should' have been gifted, but between fighting, being new, having powerful conservative/libertarian notions (against academic notions then as now), and being more imaginative than substantive (to a degree) in my intellectual nature, I was not found as acceptable to the powers that be. At least the group knew me for what I was and accepted me without even a thought about what the powers that be considered. Just some background.

I did note that, since my visit, he has started to attend church regularly. He still has his doubts, but he finds it pleasing and calming to attend services. I would like to think that my visit planted that seed, but I will never probably know for sure. When I visited a few years ago, as I always do, part of the conversations included bits about God, and my story. While not a great Christian, I am a true one, to the point I try to have God as the arbiter of my actions and Lord of my life. Failing often, I know what I must do to get back on track, and to the best of my abilities I do that. I do suspect, in this case, that my story affected my friend. He had quit attending church when he was in college. Being my age, that means that until my visit, he had been to church only for marriages and other social invitations only for several decades, in spite of his mother being a regular adherent. I suppose I hope I planted that seed, it would mean a great deal to me, a man who is otherwise useless to the world, and even to religion, other than just deciding to live (off others) and right through things that others have decided are not worth living through (after some early... tribulations regarding that last).

He doesn't live all that far away. A long days drive or a quick flight, actually, would have him here easily. He has been through this area, and it was striking enough for him to have remembered it. I have invited him here, with mother, or girlfriend, or on his own. I have offered to provide tours, and thanks to my local friend, I do know of some places to go. I do believe, before long, he may find his way here. Whatever else, he seems to like our conversations. He has some odd respect for me. He has seen me in fights, albeit when I was a kid, he has dealt with me as a friend and intellectual peer, and we even used to be players in a D&D troupe together (a damn fine one, too).

We discussed many things. I told him about getting into a home, and some of the neat attributes, like how the stone moderates inside temps. He does gardening, and was picking the last of the green peppers and some berries from his back yard. So I asked him a bit about those things. We both seem to have oddities with women, so I suggested I would find some Game theory links, if he has time to look them over. He has been nearly hooked four times in the last decade or so, and married once before that. He was talking about one that he really liked, one that got away. He was saying he was being a great provider and this and that, and, yeah, I knew. Delta city. I suggested my problems with women are similar, if from the other direction. In any case, I hope he finds a woman, and to that end, I will be sending him Game links. I will offer some notions too, that some of the links are more for understanding, since he isn't into being a PUA either. But it is good to know some things in those realms, much like knowing calculus helps with engineering. If you can engineer a goodly bit without it, you can engineer more and faster in some fields (most, all?) with calculus. Same with women and game.

There is much to discuss. And I think, through time, more will be said. The conversation was much like reliving a part of my life I had thought gone save for memory. It was a good life, then. And I think for both of us, as bachelors, that life is a bit harder. We both see the wisdom of marriage, but for our own disparate reasons have not found ourselves to that place. It is nice to have a real link with another in my shoes, one I have known, vetted, and found acceptable. I think he sees the same.

A good night. Yes indeed. My world of wake and sleep and such might be going down in flames, but real links to real people helps. The internet has been good for me in making real friends, having real conversations, and for frolicking in divine notions, fantastic concepts, sharing stories both real and... questionable, doing academic based work as I am able, and such. But with so much personal history lost, having a human link from my past is a luxury I have never had, but will surely enjoy. My brother, when that works out, would be another good link. Finding out that others liked me, respected me, especially contrasted with my own personal reflections about myself, is a super thing.

Oh, I am still going to go to bed. But my rest should be better. Life is quite good.

Oh, he is planning an "End of the World" party, the date the Inca calendar ends, to which I have officially been invited. I told him, indirectly, that I will be bringing a very good old friend too. Johnny Walker, of the blue varietal. Nothing says "Good night, dear friends, this is the end.", like a bottle of said hooch.

Yeah? No.

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Back to bed I went. Sleep wasn't an option, it happened so fast there was no thinking or wondering involved. I reset the alarm for 11:00 before sleeping. Waking at 15:00 or so, I don't remember... anything. The alarm had been shut off but how, or when, I simply don't know. In the state I find myself, alarm clocks are less than useless. On top of not waking me up, they probably disturb my sleep, sleep I must need. Wow, though. I am sleeping like a rock. I still feel the need for more sleep. I am all but certain that it is the medication at this point. There is no way, without help or hospitalization, that I could do what they want and double the main pill. I am barely living, just scraping by with some consciousness, as is. Anything more and my screen goes black.

Yeah, more sleep I think. In spite of all the sleep I have had, being awake for a few hours, having a nice snack/meal, trying to read blogs and news and make some sense of things, and I am needing sleep again. Hmm, a huge glass of something first, though. Thirsty, tired, and who knows what else. *BAM*

Later.

Hmm.

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I did sleep. I went to bed at about midnight and slept until about 3:30, all give or take. I simply woke and could not get back to sleep. Medicine has been taken, all save potassium. I may try to crawl back to bed for a bit. My goal is to be awake by 10:00, then to call several people and check on some paperwork. After that, I would like to shower and ship off to town. My friend is probably going a bit stir crazy by now. I need to get him out of his apartment, maybe take him shooting, probably do a bit more shopping as I need several packs of meats to finish the month and he just likes to look around, and then buy aspirin and shoe polish. I have given up on finding my shoepolish kit. I had everything from suede tools and cleaner, several brown and black waxes, water-proofing for leather (the good stuff), a brush or two, several old socks, the works. All gone. I have looked everywhere.

The cats have gotten an early meal, and let out for a bit, several times. They love going out, just for short spells. As the weather turns cooler, they are great supplemental heat sources. Why they cuddle in high heat of summer and in cooler weather though, I can't figure out. They have an odd heating system, I do know that. They make great living stoles save that they don't want to stay put or go where I want the heat, necessarily. Sam loves the back of my legs, Sassy either snuggles under the covers or roams my home, too young to sleep as long and well as Sam, or even me.

Good night, again. Hope to see you in a bit. Well, might make it an 11:00 rise now, then. Later.

That might have been spot on.

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With, say, four doses of magnesium under my belt and two doses of the B complex, voiding is picking up again. When I started the magnesium it started a bit more, now I am always seeming able to go. As well, bm's have begun again. It seems my body had pretty much simply started to shut down on these functions. Just since this morning I have lost another pound, in spite of having eaten two smaller meals and drank... a gallon or more. It's a weird thing. I wonder if doctors know about these things and check them or if they just assume we are supposed to know. Yes, nutrition might be a bit out of their purview, but then, why? It is very much a part of the bio-chemical aspect of the disease and medicinal treatments. Never mind, I seem to have lucked into a blogger who has the dope on the dope needed.

I have now lost 10 pounds in a week, most of it in the last four days. If I could stick with even two pounds a day, that would leave another ten days to get back to my 'drained' weight. Life will still be difficult, because of the medicine. But that level of difficulty is much easier than what it is plus thirty pounds of spare jello.

Hmm, I am hungry, and thirsty in spite of all that fluid. A bit of the rice and beans with that chile beef gravy, and 24 ounces of milk, maybe more. Yum! I would love to stay up just a wee longer but that is not going to happen. Food, drink, down, roughly in that order.

Good night, sons and daughters of man. I'll put in a prayer for your intentions, your works, your soul, and those who have gone before us. Lucky turds. Bah!

heh

Nightmarish but not too bad.

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I made a call or two. Then I tried to sleep a bit. I set my alarm and hoped between it and knocking that I would wake for my appointment. I didn't sleep a normal sleep, and between people calling, the alarm, the cats, and the knocks at the door, the three hours of attempted sleep was torturous. I did answer one of the calls, from the V.A. Someone wanted to change an upcoming appointment from Friday to next week, when I have another appointment. I had wanted to delay that appointment until I can get the CPAP figured out. I couldn't make an appointment two months out, it seems. They are full until after the end of the year, and they don't or wouldn't make an appointment after that. I was told I could keep my appointment, make it for next week when they want it, or wait until January, when they would send me a letter letting me know I could set up an appointment for... sometime after January. I picked the last.

My appointment was sort of harsh. I hadn't slept well. I didn't wake well. I hurt. It is sort of like the flu only, not, somehow. Along with the exhaustion, lack of sleep, and ill feeling, the discussion was odd. It was the missionaries. I explained that I do think it feels like I am dying. Sleep deprivation can feel like that too, but this has a lot more going on with it. I have been close enough to death before to sense it. Oh, I doubt if I will die, only I know I am very weak, my mortal coil is repulsed by the very flesh it is. On the good side I will be seeing the heart docs next week, early in the week.

I continue to lose weight. Only a pound a day now, though perhaps the vitamin B complex will speed up the loss. Part of the reason my fluid voiding has slowed, though, too, is that drinking enough fluid to trigger the expulsions has become very difficult. Even eating is a bit of a task. Such a narrow beam upon which to balance, and with a lack of concentration, energy, and such, the thing becomes tenuous. While I have been taking my medicine, to include the additional supplements and potassium, and I have been keeping up on my home, yesterday I had the first shower in... some time. It's a beastly life, but I am commanded to lead it, and with a smile, until the nature of the beast deprives me of the privilege. And if that is how God and the Church pronounce it, then damn straight I will try.

But it ain't all bad. It certainly is a challenge. And while I would rather be challenged figuring out a design, dancing with mathematics, arguing with physics, and teaching men and machines how to usher in tomorrow, that is not my lot. If you can't be with the one you love, certainly entertain the challenges you are with? Yeah, okay, I take liberties with phraseology. But isn't the term phraseology, or at one time, a liberty?

I bought five cards yesterday, while shopping. Actually, I shopped at 5:30 or 6:00, so I mean earlier today. Anyway. A thank you card for three people, including my mom and some locals, a birthday card for my brother (it will be late, but... go figure), and a salutation for my lady friend. Oh, yes, money and all that. But too, tasks I can try and complete. A little grouping of projects that I am surely able to complete, though without any guarantees either. A chance at word crafting and a bit of leg work added for a kick. Plus, each is meant. Each was thought out in a designed manner, for specific people, each card was chosen from among many others.

Perhaps, after today, I can sleep earlier and wake earlier? Usually, when I sleep early I can still not wake earlier. I was learning that trick but the medicine has stolen that away from me again. Stuck on blathering again. Yep, Zombieville. Later.

Oh, have a good day. *smile*

A tough day.

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A little music from some decent young guns.


An old school tune.


Some mood music.




I did get to town. I went with a milder vitamin B complex. I also grabbed some food and paint. As I was looking over the pain I had purchased, considering why it had not covered the purple, I notice a very small bit of writing. Something about "this paint needs to be tinted". It was sitting right next to paint, also with an indication of "White", that had no such indication. I was pretty much just... gluing my window treatments. We will see if the actual white paint does any better.

I am still up at 8:00. I have an appointment at 14:00 so I cannot go back to bed. I will try to make some calls and check on some paperwork while I... zombify. No, I am not trying to stretch, I simply had some things to do and it took me too long to do them while I have something coming up. I hate these times. At least I don't have to do too much. Day dreaming, that is what I will be doing. I'll be trying to do real world things too. Should be an interesting day.

Have a good day yourself.

Bah!

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Some days I just feel like picking a fight. Today is one of those days.


I did get some of those tasks completed, one timed out. Some places simply aren't open at even 16:00. Tomorrow. A call to a lawyer, changing an appointment, and... something else. Yet tonight I will be checking on some other paperwork. I might have the correct paperwork, if not it could get tricky. My printer did not work with my computer, the one in the shop. I haven't tried it with the loaner yet, since I THOUGHT my main computer would be back by now and didn't want to mess with it. But if my printer doesn't work AND the paperwork I need is incorrect, then... well, it gets tricky.

I may head into town tonight. I keep wanting to get in earlier but it keeps not happening. There are things I both need and there might be something that is just a minor want. Vitamins. They are merely a want unless they prove out. Groceries are a need. I may also see if my friend wants to go. But phone reception with him is terrible, so I almost have to stop by in person, just calling him to let him know I am on the way. I will bring him one of his rifles and what of his ammo I have left. I really want to get out shooting with him, to see how his gunsmithing has worked out. He has a newer, heavier, slide spring for his .45, and a new spring set for his .38/.357, perhaps among other things. No, too late even for my friend. Ugh.

Fever comes and goes at the moment. Sleep is impossible until I simply collapse, and I can't seem to fudge by waking earlier either. I am stuck getting to sleep somewhere north of 4:00 and rising somewhere north of 13:00-15:00. I've been pounding on that container with two alarm clocks, one with two different alarms. I have been hitting snooze, I have been resetting them to try and be up by anywhere from 10:00 to 12:00. I just end up messed up, with rough days, and no closer to my goals. Three days of beating on the ties that bind and I am no closer to a solution.

Still, odd as it may seem, I am happy. It isn't always about results, it is about struggling with whatever holds you down until I am bloody, bruised, in tears, and sweating. I can't win every war, battle, or fight. But I can, and do, give it my all until I win or lose. And, yes, that makes me happy. I think it pleases my Lord, too. And He knows how much I really give, suffer. These I offer to His supplication. That I am my own lamb sacrifice might mean something more than just offering gold or silver or trinkets or livestock. While I would have it otherwise, in some ways I am like men, that is not my lot.

A shower, no shave (it is beard season), dressing, and on the road. Later.

No Idea.

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My schedule is killing me. I am waking so late that doing the few things on my schedule is quite difficult. I have to spend real time functionally waking up after extracting myself from sleep then the bed, which chews up even more time. Here I sit, at 16:00, just about ready to... what exactly? Never mind, I will do what I can, when I can, as I work through things. As per carpe diem. Seize the day/moment. Seize indeed, what is left of the mongrel.

I will do a few things before time is up. Checking on a lawyer and canceling an appointment are today's day-time task. Perhaps, finally, getting into town is the next thing. Another pound or so is off. I need to lose many more. A shopping trip, in which I purchase a solid vitamin B mix, might help get more weight off.

All's well that ends well. The fat lady, however, has not sung. I think I hear her warming up back stage. But I plan to plant an squid in her gargle glass. I just don't think it is quite my time and I will do what I must. Hush!

Have a good day.

Sleep will not come.

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I tried to rest at midnight or so, I felt ready. Oh how my corpse teases me with things! Sleep, preparedness, even weakness, among other things my mind seems certain about but my flesh doesn't follow through with, none of which are true at times I believe them to be sure. It's a little game we play. If it were a conversation, my mind would say, "Great, I win!". My body would suggest otherwise. So, I would take the new position my body has suggested, and again say, "I win!". My body, again, would say otherwise. This goes on all day. Finally I would suggest that I surrender, I am exhausted, I will just go to bed. At which time my body would, again, suggest otherwise. *sigh* Ah, but lots of fun for the whole family!

While awake, angels again were on my mind, so I took a stroll on the internet. I came upon an interesting collection of works, based on, among other things, 1 Enoch. Now, mind you, 1 Enoch is neither Jewish nor, for the most part, in Christian canon. It is considered suspect. I merely suggest this so as not to... lead you astray. View the video(s) as entertainment. If the writings are tainted, understand too that Lucifer uses half truths. However, believing anything he says is truly a losing gamble. In any case, the video(s) are interesting, and well done, in my opinion.


Another thing I spotted was a video regarding Lilith. I have spoken of her many times. And it is my belief that most women you meet today are daughters of Lilith (literarily or mythologically speaking). Near the end of the video that man wonders about something. The answer is, the story lives because she does too. When I speak of women being Liliths, consider how many abortions happen and how few marriages and how many divorces occur. I definitely consider my last woman exactly this kind of being. Anyway...


Just mythological, entertainment really. But, there you go. Now I have to admit, my dreams go with some of the first video(s). Uhrm, minus female angels... and a few other things. In my dreams, I am nephilim. Which, of course, if that were to be true, would make me hope greatly that the video(s) is(are) incorrect about some things. And, no, not all giants were ten to thirty feet tall. Goliath was thought to be... merely my height, maybe less. I do dream of flying at the speed of light, too. But then, dreams are just that, right? And much of this is based on a dubious book, correct? Nyet? Enjoy and, perhaps if my body isn't tricking me again, good night.

I've been zoomed!

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This first video is exactly what I have been looking for. It doesn't have all of the details, though the 'author' of the video does sell a book (at only $7 I believe) filling out the details. Oh, right, this video concerns solar power. I think this is pretty much along the lines of what D.C. has been discussing, albeit with an inverter for a/c from d/c. I can see D.C.'s point, but I know I want to split at least some of the d/c off into a/c for various tidbits where d/c applications aren't possible or might end up being a bit spendy, up front, on top of the system itself. Am I blathering ag... never mind. On with the show.


This next is where I have been zoomed. *shrug* Then again, I really have doubts about whether I could afford to set up such a homesteading operation. He makes it seem easy, but building a well functioning, well insulated, solid structure is not as easy as it sounds. My guess is, one way or another, he has access to a lot of tools and equipment that most of us do not. You CAN drill your own well, if the depth is quite minimal. I'd love to see someone try to hand drill their own 400 or 800 foot well. And, of course, that assumes water rights. Oh, I could go on, but the idea IS there. And while I doubt the monetary reality, I don't doubt even I could somehow do such a thing at four to five times what he discusses in costs. I am not sure I am healthy enough to do so, though. Still, this is cool. Oh, and he is a Utah man.


I give him 10k points for pluck. And I do profess to having just a touch of jealousy, if my jealousy tends to be on the better side of that trait so I certainly don't begrudge. And, I can't say it doesn't make me think. No, no, I'm not just going to walk away from my home. I do like it, and what I have. Sure, I could (I think, legally and freely, if not morally). It's just not my style. However, I could do some upgrades and try to sell... in time. If I did it just right and got a bit lucky, I could make enough off the sale for a grubstake, or at least in theory. Utah homes, at my level and up to about $250k are rather stable and selling well, or last I heard/saw (roughly, possibly, maybe). One of the benefits of a V.A. loan is that the home can be sold before it is paid off at the interest rate of the original purchase. So if rates go up, I have a plug, if only to other veterans. Hmm, then again, I love my stone house. That would be really hard to beat, and a bear to build. Anyway... Just thought I'd pass these on. Some of you might enjoy.

I did it all.

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Before I laid my behemoth head to rest, I cleaned every pot, pan, dish, and working surface. I tossed all that was to be tossed, I put away all I had taken out, and put up what foods where to be refrigerated. The only thing I didn't do was sweep and mop, though that is on my list. It was on yesterday's list, actually. But since I knew I was going to be working with flour and making a complicated (potentially messy) meal, I saved that task for sometime after the meal (hey, a week from now is still "sometime after the meal", so hush it!). I am well pleased. I think I can make a good, home-cooked meal a few times a week. We will see. The rest of the time I can get by with my squirrel snacks of small specialty foods and leftovers. I've been hankering to get back to real cooking.

Dreams have been fairly pronounced lately. Mostly just oddball dreams. People from my past make cameo appearances, things I am doing or thinking about play parts in some of the themes. I have been enjoying them, actually. No good scary dreams unfortunately. One or two of them would have been popcorn worthy though. There is nothing like dreaming dreams that are better than Hollywood could produce, with smell-o-vision and touch-o-vision included to top it off. Whether I smell the muck of a muddy spring or feel the patters of the sprinkling rain or the embrace and delicate kiss of a maiden fair, my dreams can be rather immersive. Further, I live lifetimes in those dreams, which is partly why I feel as if I have been alive forever and a day. They are beyond color and sound. I could not imagine having dreams only in black and white, and perhaps soundless too. I have finally been able to realize they are just dreams, so that I simply sit back and watch rather than try to change things I don't like, which will kill the dream. My dreams, if they do go through toil, trouble, and things I don't like, do come around to the right endings if I let them play out.

It is raining, and has been for the last week. That might be adding to intensity. That and the approach of winter. When seasons change, while they are changing and into their first chaos, I am deeply affected. Summer is the only time where dreams are less common, due to heat and the inability to sleep as deeply I think. Even when I can cool my environment to my tastes, my body and mind somehow still know it is hot right out the door or window while I sleep. I do hope we get more sunny days before we go into that first lasting bedding of snow. With such a long winter that really went right to summer earlier this year, then the snap from winter to summer, I would like a more normal transitional fall. One can hope.

I should shower, groom, dress, and be off to see my friend. I will do just a bit of shopping while in town, and take him along should he like. I have rain kit that should handle him and cover his wheelchair as well. He is working on his prosthetic leg, getting it going, but it will still be some time. I am patient, happily.

Oh, and just the magnesium supplement, with the rest, has helped again. I have "lost" another three pounds. In two days I have lost 20% of the weight "gained" recently. I do believe it is all water weight, and all related to a magnesium (and possibly vitamin(s) B) deficiency. I need to get into town, to look for the right B vitamin mix supplement. But think of that, losing 6 pounds in two days while eating well. Only 24 pounds more to go before I can probably be in shape to begin exercising again. Ugh. I think the water weight makes doing almost anything a huge struggle. It's not just the weight, it is also what the fluid does in there. On the good side, should someone challenge me to a pissing contest at this point, I think I shall not even need to persevere... just relax... and maybe aim. *squirt*

Have a great day.

Not bad, not bad.

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The tortillas were terrible. I'm not sure exactly what I did wrong, though possibly adding too little water was the thing. The other thing may have been that the flour wasn't all that good. The last option would be that I kneaded as long as she suggested. I learned while learning to make bread, because of my hand size and strength, I should knead about half as much as a woman. I will simply have to practice. It was fun to make it though.

As for the meat sauce? Superior! No, not all that Mexican, but I didn't have some of the spices I would normally have used. It wasn't all that hot, either. But it was quite good. I simply mixed a cup of beans and two cups of rice, added a bit of water, and heated that in the microwave. Then I put the sauce over that, eating the tortilla/cracker/something as a bit of a scoop. The tortillas had zero elasticity. Their flavor was... better than most store-bought tortillas though.

The sauce you ask? I made the roux, as I said, and added the choped/crushed peppers. The thing kept getting thicker so I kept adding the liquid the peppers had steeped in. It didn't matter, as I kept heating and stirring, I ended up with a thick paste. I put the paste in a bowl then fried hamburger and onions in the pan. When that was well done, I added the paste back in, along with water. I did add more spice, smoked paprika, ginger, salt, and pepper, to taste. I let that simmer while I rested the tortilla dough. I think I could cook shoe leather to tenderness (if that is possible) and add the sauce and I would be happy. Though I will be doing some spice shopping as soon as my finances are more back on track.

Oh, and more. I kept up on the dishes and cleaning while I was working. That isn't absolute, of course. Serving dishes, the final pan, and I couldn't keep up absolutely. But where I rolled the tortillas and most of the dishes from the things are washed. All remaining dishes, save the pan with the sauce and what I just ate from, are soaking, the few that remain. I am terrified of getting caught with a nasty kitchen again. I know it will happen, even terror can't help for long. But I think I made it this time.

Now to put up the sauce and toss the remaining tortillas. Being that tortillas are inexpensive to make, I may buy more flour which is all I need to make more, and begin practicing. I have plenty of sauce, which along with the beans and rice, some remaining beef slices, various cheeses, and a few other things, should last me another week or so. Only about a week after that and payday. I may spend some of that money in my pocket yet, but it won't be being spent if I can keep it.

Perhaps now that I am hungry for some specific items I will be able to order my finances and spending. Then again, I am mostly only in trouble because of a bill that was supposed to be on automatic pay, but had dropped off. I have fixed that. I think all of my bills are now directly from my account, not based on a debit card. I think. I am, again, blathering. And, perhaps, bragging... or is it more cheering? Sometimes I am not certain.

Oh right. Today I also set up my furnace thermostat. It is set to jump to 74 at 6:00, drop to 70 at 8:00, drop to 68 at 20:00, then finally to drop to 62 at 22:00. I may have to adjust that a bit as my home holds on to heat extremely well. And, of course, higher wind or more serious cold weather have their affect. This year I am going to be actively practicing and testing and changing, perhaps logging some of that. What I am sure of is that I don't want to hibernate. While I can live at 62, I become very lethargic. I don't want to do that. Further, I won't be using electric heat this year, which is almost an instant on heat source. So keeping the house warmer using the furnace as a regular thing will be necessary. I am still hoping that using whole house temperature as a day-schedule guide will help. Who knows, but darn it, I have to keep trying. I have to keep looking for what works at keeping me active and trying to implement it. If I lose track I will die. While, as I said, I don't mind dying... I also have an obligation not to just let it happen.

Yeah, time to close up shop, see what of the little mess that remains I can sort out, then it is time for bed. Good night. :)

Ghosting.

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When my day finds me neither here in flesh nor there in spirit, or lost in times that may or may not have been, but somewhere in between those various places, I call it ghosting. Today has definitely been a transitional day. My will is good but it is not enough to deal with oddities presented through my flesh. Which is all fine by me, as free-floating is a bit like that feeling after a couple of glasses of smooth rich relaxing wine, save that I am not getting to things as quickly or directly or surely as I would like.

While I have been doing little things, seemingly silly things that come to me while trying to do something else usually, I have been moving forward a bit. I finally found one of my toenail clippers by which to clip my fingernails, then did just that. Big fingers, I have no choice. Even with the big clippers, it takes four to six cuts to get my fingernails trimmed properly, per finger. One of my goals was to find a recipe for flour tortillas and perhaps some Mexican type sauces. I did find a recipe for the tortillas, one I believe I can trust, if I won't roll them as thin as the author. I like a bit of bite in my tortilla. I also wanted to find a sauce recipe. I haven't found that last. Never mind, I will make one up. No, I'm not completely novice, if I have never been a saucier I have watched many of them.

I have a couple of packets of dried peppers. These I will steep in hot water until they soften while I make tortillas. Then I will mash or grind or chop them into a rough paste (I am heating the water as we speak). Next, I will heat my cast iron skillet, in preparation for a typical roux. I will add the chile 'soup' (mostly diced/mashed peppers with a bit of the 'juice' from the steeping) to the mix. Well, that's the plan. The trick it to make the sauce the right consistency without it being bland or too spicy. My hope is to make homemade tortillas, the sauce, and combine it with the beans, rice, and freshly grated cheese, for a decent (if vegetarian) dinner. Hmm, wait, I think I have some hamburger thawed. That would work quite nicely in the spiced roux! Yep, that would do. Question though. Can I do all that, and eat, and clean up, in a reasonable time? We might find out yet tonight. Wish me luck?

I keep thinking about that new blog I would like to produce. The thing is, I will either need to use another email address, from whatever source or create even another e-address (as most of my current e-addresses scare people, they really do oddly), or something. And it will not, in any way, be connected to this one. It seems someone has hacked into this one, or is in some other way making it nearly impossible for me to comment on your blogs. D.C., Jean, and MK are the only ones who seem to find and put my comments up. I can only guess the others are too busy or believe my comments don't belong on their blogs. So this persona is pretty much dead to the outside world, save a few friends. If I thought the reverse were true, that might even be pleasant. If nothing else, the hacker is involved. In any case, I keep thinking of that. But until I have a secure connection (new computer), I do believe I will hold off. Liberals, once they get in, never quit. Like gremlins they simply continue to gorge on troubling people they don't like. Too bad they can't be cast out. Once the demon is under the skin, the skin can actually be dangerous. And if the demon is a "guest", it cannot be cast out. Skin and all must go, in time. A depressing thought on many fronts, but keep looking to God and praying for fools and the possessed, and for righteousness even through it all. It's sometimes all we have.

Anyway, on to cooking.

The day and odds and ends.

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I did end up staying up very late. The problem was not that I was not tired enough to sleep, the hitch this time was that I had work to do, could not seem to get to it, and wanted in done before I slept. I did clean the litter pans, I did finish washing dishes to include the pots and pans and put everything away, I did get trash collected from the various garbage receptacles around my home while collecting the recyclables as well, once removed I did put sacks back in the various trash and recycling containers, I did get the big barrels out to the street to be picked up today, I did get foods stored in the refrigerator. I did a few other things as well.

It seems whenever I go to do a task, I often end up doing three. For example, while collecting trash, I noticed some things needed to be put in laundry, which also lead me to collecting laundry. Collecting laundry caused me to notice some clean clothes yet needed to be dealt with so that was done. And while I was picking up dirty clothes and taking them to the laundry room and putting away clean clothes, I noticed there were bits of paper, receipts mostly though with some money in there, so I went through those and discarded the trash, which went out with the rest. Then, because I had money here and there, I collected that up, counted my cash to know what I am working with, put some of the money aside to make sure even if I bumble and blow a wad, I still have half of the original wad for later. And while I was working on my cash money, I wanted to check my 'virtual money', what I have in the bank accounts (at least I found out I had more than I thought, though I am still going to try and live like I didn't... and actually from now on). So, yes, one thing leads to another. And I wear out quickly, so I end up resting between periods of work. It takes a long time to do any"thing". *sigh*

On the good side, I feel much better at having completed these tasks. I did not get to bed until 4:00 though, which means getting up and going to town was not really possible. I did not wake until... 13:00, a bit before actually as I turned off the alarm five minutes before it was set to go off, at 13:00. I haven't been doing much today. I am rather exhausted.

Now, last night, while reading from a blogger who seems to have taken down the post, during one of my rest periods, I did find some rather... hopeful... news. He has the same problem I have only his problem is much larger. It comes down to, for him, retaining water weight. Now, he needs to lose a certain amount before he can have a surgery of some sort, so his weight is more critical. What he found is that diuretics quit working if he doesn't have enough magnesium and B vitamins. Hmm? I had never heard such a thing, put quite that way, or at least I didn't remember. Now, I had heard of magnesium for cramps, though my real problem, at that time, was probably too little potassium. Now, as I have filled my need for potassium, magnesium has probably become critical, and possibly the B vitamins. Since I had magnesium on hand, I took one last night. Guess what? I have lost 3 pounds in 24 hours. I need to get B vitamin supplements now, probably as wide a spectrum of those, and just those, that I can find in a single pill. My guess is the 30 pounds I have gained in the last month is all, or vast majority, water weight. And, that water weight is probably at least a part of why I am tired. In spite of medical supposedly keeping an eye on things, it seems they mostly just... note the difference, ask me if I have been eating more or differently, then just mark it off and go by the new higher weight rather than do anything about it. My health is pretty much in my hands. If the docs know how this all works, or might work, they aren't telling me. So be it, I have learned one more trick.

Oh, I have been looking for something I might be able to do on my own. I can't swear to being able to be physically active, some days, most days, at this point, that isn't going to happen. Reading is difficult. Imagine being in the back seat of a fighter jet, while the pilot does radical maneuvers for practice, while you try to read serious material and take it in. With my body, mind, heart, and stuff all in flux, concentration and memory are crap. Still, I would like to do something that calls these into play, as much as possible, and yet is a useful experience. So, voila, an online way to learn Morse Code without the "need" to download a program (huge security risk), it's free (to me), and it is something on my list.

Nuff' about me, so how was your day? See, that just... doesn't work. Of course, I could do more discussion about the world, take left-favoring msm stuff and try to center it a bit, or such, but the world already has enough of an ego itself. I have been considering creating a new blog, just for news and discussion, or even news/technical material (like diy information)/prepping data I have collected, and having that be completely devoid of "me". Still kicking the idea around, and some of it might end up here. I just don't know.

Later.

By hook or crook.

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The first story isn't much of a story. Just the facts. Some might suggest this is inevitable in a large group of protesters, others might tend to believe it is just as likely not an end but part of the beginning of such events. I keep hearing how this group is 'just like the Tea Party'. Most msm pounds on the non-existent parallels. One group wanted the government out of our lives, one group wants it to take over banking, Wall Street, major corporations, et. al. One group was made up of working people and families, the other consists mainly of unemployed, perhaps unemployable people who also seem to make a huge mess. One group wanted to be left alone and be allowed to try and make it, the other group wants to be given economically unfeasible government guaranteed wages in government guaranteed jobs. No, nothing comparable at all. Well, though this doesn't sum it up, it does show another major difference.

It is obvious that when a nation begins persecuting all but one religion, that religion, and it's beliefs, quickly become a part of the political, social, legal, and economic landscape, one way or the other. Either economics force the change as the 'aboriginals' die off or economically fail or when the aggressor population rises to a certain level. No skin off my nose, not this one. And since the "common belief" is that the people most often the victims are often the ones voting for the party of the enemy, is seems a fitting thing. Keep voting for security while relinquishing rights, and has been proffered once and a thousand times, you will end up with neither. Whether because of economic or population factors, sharia is coming into play. This is just the beginning.

Oh, and a hint of what is to become of Europe. A prime example of the above. Pretty soon the situation will be irreversible due to population and economic concerns. A story, not a bedtime one, which should cause trepidation in any who have known Europe of old. She is dying. Look at their future, right before it ends.

Some things to do and share.

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I stole this. I think it speaks for itself. Thanks MK.


I have to change the cat litter, get the trash and recycling out, and... probably go to bed. For whatever reason, today will not be an extended "day". Getting out of my chair and getting started is a whole other matter. So, I will just do it... Soon. I do believe. Oh, and some dishes. I have done all but the bean pot and rice pan. I will do those after getting the trash out.

Good night.

Whatever.

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Sleeping ten to twelve hours and staying up sixteen to eighteen hours now, makes for a weird day. It was beginning while my mother was here, but with someone to bang on the door when I didn't hear or remember the alarm I was able to limp through the last week. But that wouldn't have worked for long. I would have had to grab my sleeping bag and found a place to tuck myself away, far away. I don't get grumpy when I don't get sleep, I get ill. I honestly don't know if it's the heart, and always has been, or something else. I doubt if anyone can be sure. Medicines that treated it like depression didn't work. How many failed medicines before you realize they aren't going to work, anyway? Those idiots never gave up, I had to quit that silliness myself.

The sleep problems have been a problem since I was a child. Even grade school was torturous as I recall things. Even when my parents could force me to lie down in a dark room on a mattress, I couldn't sleep quite often. Life was nightmarish at times because I couldn't sleep enough and had to be awake for school. Not even a forced wake cycle and regular activity, including sports, really helped. That has only gotten worse in time. Either my heart has always been a bit of a problem, at times, or there is something else. I doubt if I will ever know that part of it.

While I can sleep and wake as I need, mostly, at this point, life isn't all that much improved. This type of exhaustion can't exactly be slept out. I still struggle to get up. The struggle of waking and getting to sleep varies. This day I will rise and be on my feet running right away, then sleep well. The next night I can do one or the other but not both. The next night I can't do either. It seems to come and go in periods though, say a week to a month at a time.

I do suspect it is a heart issue, the exhaustion. Medicine is adding to it now, if at lower levels it actually seems to help, at higher levels it exacerbates. All the while doctors tell me the medicine shouldn't have any effect. Then again, for whatever reason, my blood pressure is jumping. It has been 143/101 for the last two days, coming down from 163/101, and 193/173 the day before. I honestly am not sure what is up with that, either. Before my mother's visit, I had been down to 130's/80's-90's. My pulse has come back down into the lower 70's at least. But weight has been staying right at 290, plus or minus. Crazy stuff. And, yes, I've been on the higher doses again for a while, and pretty regularly minus a two missed days a week or more before my mother returned home (during which I thought I was improving, becoming easily more active).

I feel trapped in a nightmare, often. No good sleep, no good waking times, a spinning schedule or a straight-jacket of trying to be "normal". Most people can't understand, if for no other reason than they feel the same thing but are able to at least keep up and understanding my situation might jeopardize their situation. I understand that. And true, in our worst situations, we are all truly alone save for God being with us, when your whole life is a 'worst situation', it can be difficult. Prayer, and making headway when I can, that is what I have. As I have said, I am only here because that is His will. I can sympathize with Christ, quite directly, when He asked that the yoke be lifted, that this be allowed to pass from Him. What He suffered, mind you, was far in excess of anything I could suffer, it was over much more quickly. So be it though. I do pray that this be lifted, but only if it be God's will. I just hope that if it is never lifted, that God understand too why I do so little. He must know.

Well, on to... something or other. I just had to grumble somehow, somewhere. It helps, give or take, sometimes, or in some odd way at times.

Oh, by the way, I did have a snort of scotch, on the rocks, with a bit of water the other day. Just a snort. With scotch I can have one or three but plan to do so and keep to it, unlike wine, or even beer sometimes. I will have another snort this Friday, if I do three tasks I have set before myself. Carrots and all that.

Good day.

Up too late.

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While I am awake, I decided to read about a saint who has also been on my mind. St. Henry Newman has been someone I appreciated through time. If you know anything about him, you might understand why I have always had a contentious relationship with him. Among the problems is the notion that he is the father of Vatican II. Now, I do think Vatican II was a good thing, I also believe it was taken nearly completely out of context for many years, decades really. An inch was given and miles were taken. Like so much of what St. Newman was about, much was misinterpreted, both purposefully and meanly and quite by an honest lack of understanding. Something, I think, we share.

We share... a number of other things as well. We both, later in life, converted from similar churches. He came from the Church of England, myself from the Episcopalian church. Our interests, that of reading, peaceable living, being home bodies, and a few other things, have not been gifts we seem to have been allotted. Perhaps, as I have purchased a home and begun a sedentary life, we will depart in similarity along this line at this time. But truth to tell, only God knows what we receive.

I have always liked St. Newman. And yet we part ways, too, often. Or, at least if I understand him correctly (which I can't say I do, few can). In any case, today is his day, as it turns out. For Catholics, in the US anyway, he is remembered on this day. How odd how things turn out. Here is a prayer of his, as I finish cooking my beans, putting those up, then cleaning up afterwards. No, really. That my days stretch beyond the evening is just another of those... divergences. Though with what he had on his plate, I would suggest he often went long into the nights.

O Lord support us all the day long
Until the evening comes,
The shadows lengthen and the busy world is hushed,
The fever of life is over and our work is done.

Then Lord in your Mercy,
Give us a safe lodging,
A Holy rest and peace at the last. Amen

Bleep!

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The *bleep*s, I should write. After a bit of looking, I would have to guess that the loaner computer I am using is having some sort of error. I did find the bios and try to look it up specifically. Technology is not kind to old hardware data. I am sure, if I chose to spend days looking, I could find exactly what I am looking for... perhaps. Not going to happen. I did find a general error code for older bioses. All I have to do, to fix the beeping, is major computer brain surgery using parts that probably aren't made any more, and the problem will be solved. See, easy.

In other words, I must ride this lemon until the first of the month, find out what is happening with my computer (I think he broke my computer fixing a cosmetic flaw that was not the problem at all). So, I will simply have to figure out how to replace my computer and dump this lemon back to it's real owner. However, I do know who NOT to take a computer to for repairs. It was on it's last legs as far as technical use but should have lasted another year or so. Now it is simply a paperweight. And the loaner is now becoming a paperweight. Argh!

I may call and see if Verizon is open on Sunday. If so, I will take my phone in. I have a few questions. The first one regards data. When I first signed up for the data plan, required for smartphones, there wasn't a up/down-load limit. It seems if you are grandfathered in, you retain unlimited data. I want to make sure that is true. If not true, the phone goes back right then and there. I simply won't fight data usage AND a weak battery compared to power usage. After that, I want them to show me how to use Google's systems as a gps driving directions device, I want to know why Verizon's pay-to-play system kicks in when I am only using Google and make sure they aren't charging me the $10/month fee for that. I want that sorted out. There are a few other questions as well. The thing is a mess, in some ways. They honestly may not know the answers, which will also require a return. I need help setting up security, or more, resources to figure that out and recommendations in doing so in order to do that myself. The instruction packet that came with the phone was lame at best, and since it just came out, users haven't created great instruction sets yet. I don't need another easily hacked device, waiting around from someone to steal something else I literately can't afford. I don't want the local college kids getting "free" apps or ringtones (don't they get enough free shit from taxpayers, fuckers!). I don't need them "borrowing" my minutes. I want the thing secure.

Grumpy, today, and possibly rightly. Life is hard enough without a bad heart and a corrupt world on my back with slick salesmen selling me more debt, some of it not even rightly mine. My machines are falling down around me, the systems that work them are hacked and riddled with problems besides, professional techs often aren't very professional or techy, and yes, I have gotten used to some of the conveniences. And I am tired to boot. Bleh. I'm going to soak those beans and some rice. I never did get to it last night. Oh, and the other problem? My days are about to tumble. I seem to need ten to twelve hours of sleep but am easily able to stay up fourteen to sixteen hour days. Doing the math, it means I am about to take a high-speed spin cycle. My days and nights are about to begin shifting at a terrible pace. I'm almost getting nauseous thinking about it already. Butterflies, to be certain, are dancing in my belly.

Some days it all seems too much. Ah, this explains it.

Hmm, a snort of scotch might just do the trick, come to think of it.

Fantasy, fiction, call it what you will.

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Oh, don't worry. I am not plainly insane. Being crippled, and having been so for some time, the mind finds ways of dreaming about being more. Being average doesn't cut it, only being a super type man will do to balance decades of failure. Having a vast imagination makes the endeavor easy. If nothing else, that I have found all men to be too frail to be heroes should be a good sign. Heroes, from my youth, included Mark Twain (Clemens), Albert Einstein, Poe, and Schwarzenegger. As I learned more, I set them aside as just fools who peaked in some specific field but were absolute failures in most other ways. They or their handlers sold them for something they weren't. False advertising became an understood thing. Caveat emptor, indeed.

My friend called today. He wanted me to come in. As I said though, I need some time to figure things out and rest. So I told him I would not be in today, nor tomorrow. Monday will be the day. Further, now that he can come and go as he chooses I will no longer go shooting on the weekend. I absolutely despise competing with every working guy who only gets weekends off and so floods the hills, mountains, shooting spots, and every nook and cranny out there. No, weekdays only. I will, however, finish taking in the last bits of his gun stuff I still hold. He has two rifles, ammunition, and perhaps a few other odds and ends here.

I am going to truly hate this month. Money is so low that I am going to have to squeeze by. I have a few trips to SLC for medical appointments, so I am going to have to be careful to make sure I have the seed gas money to get there. Food, as I said, will have to be 'slim pickin's' special. Beans and rice and bits of meat and veggie for variety. A half a dozen cans of tuna will help a great deal in that. A package of beef and a grouping of chicken thighs and legs too, though not as meals unto themselves. Now, I have money in savings I could pull off. But I am keeping that where it is in case I have some unforeseen expense. If I make it through the month I will be in normal shape next month and will then use the savings as I had intended... to begin putting up food. Oh, yes, it must seem like just a crazy game, but it isn't.

My computer, or modem, keeps putting out a series of beeps. *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep*' *beep* *beep* *beep*'... etc. With a little breaks every three beeps, in fast succession. I think three sets of three. I will see if it is the computer, modem, or something else shortly. I also have some sort of constant electrical sounding *buzz*, even when the computer, monitor, television, and all are shut down and even when I turn off the power to those systems. It's coming from under the floor, ugh. The beeping just started today, but I only really heard it after the machines were all on. I have no idea what all this is. The *buzz* may require crawling into the crawl space, the *beep*'s, I don't know since I am not yet sure of the source. Ugh. No, no... Double UGH!

Well, on to other things. Mostly just resting today. The Devil's Advocate is on tv. While a bit fantastical, I do think it... exemplifies some truths, too. Shakespeare to Dante to me, a bit of fantasy, artistic license, and a bit of our understanding all mix into a bit of storytelling that is meant to entertain while... doing just a touch more, perhaps. While we live in a spiritual existence, that is wrapped in quite flawed flesh. Most only every see things of flesh, and for the most part, only partially believe in the real truth. As imaginative fallen men, we come up with things both to help with our own understanding, share some aspect of that understanding, and just... play with ideas. No, I am not saying I am great at it, just that I do it.

Anyway. Have a great day. I will rest and recoup, plan my next week, look for my shoe polish kit, and prepare clothes for my next visit to Church. It is coming. And, in some ways, I do fear it. I always have feared the Church. And I fear the people who go there, for different reasons. What is bravery but going where even angels fear to tread, or visiting their home?

Once again, good day.

Two different times.

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This video is how, perhaps, a youngling of the next might turn out. Dig through the ditches and burn through the witches, indeed. An ugly job, adding corruption of free will and the fall of men, makes for a terrible thing. But so be it. So long as faith holds true.


And how it used to be said, how it was understood. No less dark and light, just much more clearly spoken. My angelic brother, fleshly father?

No one is home!

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I tried to call a pseudo family member tonight, but her phone number no longer works. I am quite sure it should, so I looked it up. I seem to have it right. So I looked up the phone number of an acquaintance in the area. I was sent to voice messaging though the recording offered a cellphone number, so I called that. Messaging again, but this time I did leave a message. I then tried to call my lady friend. No good, her phone went right to messaging as well. Some nights you simply can't win.

Tired. Very tired. I did check my blood pressure again, 163/103 or something. If a little high at least a lot more normal. My pulse was down into the 70's but still a bit high. I don't even think the blood pressure is related to the exhaustion. This is what I have come to expect on these medicines. I am keeping up on things. Sam's food bowl needed cleaned, I cleaned Sassy's bowl yesterday. I even made a meal or two today. Just small meals, if still a little larger than before my mother's visit. Something about not quitting good large meals cold turkey I suppose.

I am thinking about putting a pot of beans to soak before I go to bed. I don't want them to soak even twelve hours, more like six to eight hours, so either I soak them in the morning and cook before sleep or soak before I go to bed and cook immediately upon waking. Hmm, I might as well soak some rice too. Usually I buy short brown rice, this time I went with long grain and it take a very long time to cook. Actually, long grain never really does get very soft, not like short brown, if memory serves. It's only a few months old, so it shouldn't have withered in that time. Being short on money this month, rice and beans will act as a great filler for bits of meat and a few veggies thrown in for sporting purposes.

Ugh! *yawn* No, double ugh. Too tired to get on anything, to broke to feel secure pushing through anyway, this month is going to be a total wash I think. Ah well.

Good night, Sue Ellen.

Now that is weird.

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Blood pressure this morning was 193/173, and my pulse was at 83. Not good. Why I can't be sure. I haven't missed more than a dose in a bit now.

Raining, again, today. I have been told the mountains have been frosted. I would like to see them but the clouds are simply too thick and low at the moment. I enjoy the first frosting. I am pretty sure this lower level rain is snow up there, so I will get to see it sooner or later.

I have been sleeping a bit more, catching up on sleep a bit. I have been keeping up on dishes too, so far. I need to begin finding a lawyer and putting in the paperwork for the home purchase refund. Those are the only two things I will dedicate planning toward until they are finished. I can only focus on a few things if, for whatever reason, they are heavy for me. These are very good things to focus on.

It's a 'blah' day and I am feeling it. Though I won't say I am tired, I have to say that I am sluggish. More sleep will not help but I can't quite push through to anything either. Maybe a phone call or three.

Later.

Call me suspicious.

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I am pretty sure my mother fed 'the girls' any time they meowed just a bit. I know I stopped feeding them because I suspected such would occur. Now even Sam is looking for food every time I pet her. Though Sam almost never used to beg, my mother's skirt socialism kicked in and she just wouldn't feed Sassy without feeding Sam too, regardless if Sam asked or not. Oh, I'll get the girls back into line shortly. But for now I hear "Meow" so often I will dream about it. It's okay. Everyone needs just such a grandmother. Christmas came early for the rugrats.

There is a definite chill tonight. I was starting to wonder why it was so cold inside though. Usually my home, with me and a couple of light bulbs, is sufficiently warm when the weather turns this slight fall chill as the day and night are. Ah, but I left the window through which I had hailed the missionaries open. Though it was only open a few inches, that window faced the chill breeze coming through. I closed the window and turned the furnace on for the first time, just to 68 F, though it will automatically go down to 64 or so for sleeping. I do enjoy automated... everything!

I am having to try and figure my life out anew. My mother called this evening. I think I am not alone in my sense of aloneness. She has it worse, Cheyenne, her dog, is still with the people she left her with. For me, I have no one to... remind me... of things to do. And while that can be a bit daunting at times, there are certain elements of it that are good. I'll figure it out.

The insurance company settling for their client called yesterday and suggested that with about $4.4k in medical, they would like to settle for $5.1k, out of which the medical must be paid. I am not sure if they are joking or if medical payouts have changed. I will be discussing this with a lawyer. While I hate the notion of ambulance chasers, I hate the greed of corporate insurers. I have it on reasonable authority (a lawyer and medical provider from early on) that the payment should be (normally) double and a half the medical. My situation might even allow for more, since it greatly complicated my move and required a great deal of travel expenses (which were not reimbursed). If they had paid me normal, they would have saved themselves a lot of trouble and expense. Now they get to pay for a lawyer, court costs, much more than an average claim, and the rest. I sometimes wonder if they do what they do merely to keep lawyers employed? Insane, but none of my affair as to why.

I really do need to get back to Church and start looking for a right wife. I like the company, mostly. And I can plainly see what a woman's touch does for the place. It's a rough row to hoe but a good woman is very much worth the effort. Like I said though, a right woman. A woman who can, will, and does tend the home. I am not sure women are capable of being right to a man's way of thinking, but that isn't all bad at all. I'd say, in the right way, it's about fifty fifty, if you don't mind me liking my own side more in any case. You like yours, I'll like mine. Oh, she is out there. Just waiting to mess up my life. :p

Good night.