.
.
Well, yeah! Okay, so the dishes aren't soaking. But I have finished a load of laundry, mostly (still a bit damp, but time to go and I didn't want to leave the other load in the washer so I put the slightly damp in a basket). I will need to finish drying both when I return, but I'm good with that. The washer has been cloth dried and set open to air dry the rest of the way. The pants I wanted were dry (enough) and the shower was great. So, I am pretty much ready to go. I just need to get the guns and ammo together. This will be my last load over to my friend, the last of his stuff I have in stock. I believe I will just take the Henry .22. I love that little rifle, after a bit of fuss getting it to shoot straight.
I will be just a few minutes late. Not bad by my standards. My friend will actually be pleased, if he would rather already be heading out. We, as humans, are funny that way. It looks like a nice day. It will be cool though. So I have put on my super underwears and layered just a bit. My gloves are in the X. While they will be cold, my friend needs heat so I will be warming the X and the gloves up on the way to get him. All good.
I best be off. Later.
Friday, October 28, 2011
Holy c-c-c-crap!
.
.
I sorted laundry early. Wanting to get that going first thing, as the pants I want to wear are in the laundry, I set about it all. After sorting, then compiling into the basket, finding a few things that hadn't made it to the basket in the first place, I grabbed the basket and headed into the laundry room. Initially, just in my underwear and a sleeveless t-shirt. WoW was it cold! I dropped the basket, turned up the heat, and decided to start on laundry when it warmed up back there. Mind you, I was not all that awake at that moment. So, just a bit ago, This time wearing sweats, a jacket, a baseball hat, and thinking it might be warmer. Not one degree warmer! I about just did a u-turn, thinking to do it even later. Then I thought, you know, this isn't the way it was last winter. I checked the windows. Open, every one of them. BrrrrrrrrH! So, I closed them and went ahead and put the first wash in. As long as the front loader takes, and the way I dry things (on fluff until nearly done, then if needed cotton or whatever is appropriate), I will at best get two, maybe three loads though. I'm still reeling from that slap of cold though. Wouch. Wakey wakey?
Sam wanted out. So I let her out. Sassy wanted to follow. But... it was daytime! Sassy has patently refused to venture out in the sun to date. This morning, though, it looked like she really wanted to follow Sam. Unfinished business between the two, copycatitis, or just because I will never know... her diary is beyond my capacity to translate. In any case, I nudged her just a bit, and after a brief pause, out she went! Ah, so cute watching them get all growed up. Their little venture lasted as long as my first attempt at laundry, and I think for the same reason. It is c-c-c-cold this morning!
The coffee I put on earlier has grown cold itself. Have you ever noticed that if you chill yourself to the bone somehow that room temperature drinks then taste chilled? Maybe it is just me. I ought to eat something soon. A few rounds of salami and some of that excellent gorgonzola cheese. I used to enjoy plain crackers, you know, the square saltines, with this mix. After having some Italian seasoned ones, however, the saltines are simply not up to it anymore. Why do I have to go and ruin a perfectly good thing? Meh, another thing on my list.
Dishes have snuck up on me. But nothing out of control at this point. A quick soak, and perhaps when I return from this afternoons outing I may lay my hands to those porcelain, steel, aluminum, and plastic bandits. And good timing too. I hope to buy some meats and fire up the grill for fresh meat tonight. A couple of family sized packets of chicken and some beef ribs on the bone, cooked and refrigerated, will last me a good week, along with the beans and rice. Perhaps a few steaks for later in the week and into next month, and some hamburger for... whenever. I enjoy a little hamburger or two, from time to time, or fried with the beans and rice, satisfies like nobody's business. And perhaps some more salami. I have cheese to last.
Well, time to... do something. A shower? I never quite did get to that yet. I'm... right on it! Later.
.
I sorted laundry early. Wanting to get that going first thing, as the pants I want to wear are in the laundry, I set about it all. After sorting, then compiling into the basket, finding a few things that hadn't made it to the basket in the first place, I grabbed the basket and headed into the laundry room. Initially, just in my underwear and a sleeveless t-shirt. WoW was it cold! I dropped the basket, turned up the heat, and decided to start on laundry when it warmed up back there. Mind you, I was not all that awake at that moment. So, just a bit ago, This time wearing sweats, a jacket, a baseball hat, and thinking it might be warmer. Not one degree warmer! I about just did a u-turn, thinking to do it even later. Then I thought, you know, this isn't the way it was last winter. I checked the windows. Open, every one of them. BrrrrrrrrH! So, I closed them and went ahead and put the first wash in. As long as the front loader takes, and the way I dry things (on fluff until nearly done, then if needed cotton or whatever is appropriate), I will at best get two, maybe three loads though. I'm still reeling from that slap of cold though. Wouch. Wakey wakey?
Sam wanted out. So I let her out. Sassy wanted to follow. But... it was daytime! Sassy has patently refused to venture out in the sun to date. This morning, though, it looked like she really wanted to follow Sam. Unfinished business between the two, copycatitis, or just because I will never know... her diary is beyond my capacity to translate. In any case, I nudged her just a bit, and after a brief pause, out she went! Ah, so cute watching them get all growed up. Their little venture lasted as long as my first attempt at laundry, and I think for the same reason. It is c-c-c-cold this morning!
The coffee I put on earlier has grown cold itself. Have you ever noticed that if you chill yourself to the bone somehow that room temperature drinks then taste chilled? Maybe it is just me. I ought to eat something soon. A few rounds of salami and some of that excellent gorgonzola cheese. I used to enjoy plain crackers, you know, the square saltines, with this mix. After having some Italian seasoned ones, however, the saltines are simply not up to it anymore. Why do I have to go and ruin a perfectly good thing? Meh, another thing on my list.
Dishes have snuck up on me. But nothing out of control at this point. A quick soak, and perhaps when I return from this afternoons outing I may lay my hands to those porcelain, steel, aluminum, and plastic bandits. And good timing too. I hope to buy some meats and fire up the grill for fresh meat tonight. A couple of family sized packets of chicken and some beef ribs on the bone, cooked and refrigerated, will last me a good week, along with the beans and rice. Perhaps a few steaks for later in the week and into next month, and some hamburger for... whenever. I enjoy a little hamburger or two, from time to time, or fried with the beans and rice, satisfies like nobody's business. And perhaps some more salami. I have cheese to last.
Well, time to... do something. A shower? I never quite did get to that yet. I'm... right on it! Later.
Same time, same place, different day.
.
.
Of course, with me, two days are more like to snow flakes than anything else... very different. But the facts as described are real enough to pass muster. Weighing in this morning, somehow I gained seven pounds overnight. Thems must have been some serious dream meals! No, fluids do that. Lose so many pounds and the body must think it's dying and fights to retain again. Something weird like that. It has always been the case. Though a jump of seven pounds is pretty nasty.
Today will be, pretty much, the first day out without an appointment driving me out. At high noon at the O.K. Corral? Not quite. But sort of. Guns and ornery men, bravado, and a bit of rebelliousness is involved. The targets don't shoot back though. I have checked my finances, it seems I can afford to send that package to my lady friend, do some shopping, eat a meal, and still be within budget.
The last two months have simply dinged my finances a bit heavily. Not so much my mother being here. I just had odd bill after odd crisis. I think I have changed my bills so that they are all paid directly, not through problematic debit cards. When a debit card is cancelled, all such bills stop being paid and I don't necessarily check my bills very often when they are on auto pay. I suppose I should but it is an easy thing to not do when I have to start cutting back on my activities. Well, it does add some excitement to an otherwise rather drab life.
Waking at a little after 1:30, I tried to force sleep again. No dice. Up and at it was the only option. It looks like 3G is back on my phone but the batteries are near dead. Ah well. Weight and morning meds have been dealt with. I put on a pot of coffee. In an hour or two, after some coffee and wake time, I will get my shower in early and be dressed and ready to go well in advance of the time to go. I might even hit the laundry and dishes or sort through this or that.
Oh, I had a most interesting dream. Some woman was here, from the Church. And she was going on about this or that and I put the screws to her (having nothing to do with anything physical). I hammered her liberalism. She went away, sore it seems. So a priest arrived and asked what I thought I was doing. I told him. He went away. Then a group of men arrived from the Church, forms of clergy and specially trained laymen. They asked me questions. I answered rightly, save one. They asked me what would happen if a Church family was unrightly being threatened by a biker club (say, they had witnessed a murder by chance or some such, so innocent of the threat to them). I suggested prayer. They suggested the Church has other means of dealing with this, but I don't remember the answer. Drats! I am curious, even if it is just a dream.
Oh, a problem with the Amazon shopping effect. While internet shopping does lower costs it also makes it so that stores don't carry as many items. Further, items get boosts from initial sales while not getting good solid longer term reviews. For example, I have been looking for the perfect rice cooker for my mother. She enjoys her stir fry, and with her guy. But rice is a rather odious thing to prepare, more so the brown varietals, then time and keep warm. I have been looking at what is available. The top tier of rice cookers get rave reviews, and lots of them. But after some serious digging, after looking at the negs, I found that the various top tier cookers fail after anywhere from a year to three years, and it is a design flaw (or indiscreet planned obsolescence). The battery that runs the logic chips is impossible to change by a non-tech, without special tools, and dies in three years and other items are not built very well. Step it down to medium tier and you find construction or cleaning problems. Below that, you get crappy rice. But little of this would you know by reading the reviews (from new buyers and in a wasteful society). But nowhere can I find the rice cookers to look at them in person, look at the instruction manuals (often complicated and translated poorly from Japanese or Chinese into pig-English). The way of the future, I suppose.
Well, on with my day. Good day.
.
Of course, with me, two days are more like to snow flakes than anything else... very different. But the facts as described are real enough to pass muster. Weighing in this morning, somehow I gained seven pounds overnight. Thems must have been some serious dream meals! No, fluids do that. Lose so many pounds and the body must think it's dying and fights to retain again. Something weird like that. It has always been the case. Though a jump of seven pounds is pretty nasty.
Today will be, pretty much, the first day out without an appointment driving me out. At high noon at the O.K. Corral? Not quite. But sort of. Guns and ornery men, bravado, and a bit of rebelliousness is involved. The targets don't shoot back though. I have checked my finances, it seems I can afford to send that package to my lady friend, do some shopping, eat a meal, and still be within budget.
The last two months have simply dinged my finances a bit heavily. Not so much my mother being here. I just had odd bill after odd crisis. I think I have changed my bills so that they are all paid directly, not through problematic debit cards. When a debit card is cancelled, all such bills stop being paid and I don't necessarily check my bills very often when they are on auto pay. I suppose I should but it is an easy thing to not do when I have to start cutting back on my activities. Well, it does add some excitement to an otherwise rather drab life.
Waking at a little after 1:30, I tried to force sleep again. No dice. Up and at it was the only option. It looks like 3G is back on my phone but the batteries are near dead. Ah well. Weight and morning meds have been dealt with. I put on a pot of coffee. In an hour or two, after some coffee and wake time, I will get my shower in early and be dressed and ready to go well in advance of the time to go. I might even hit the laundry and dishes or sort through this or that.
Oh, I had a most interesting dream. Some woman was here, from the Church. And she was going on about this or that and I put the screws to her (having nothing to do with anything physical). I hammered her liberalism. She went away, sore it seems. So a priest arrived and asked what I thought I was doing. I told him. He went away. Then a group of men arrived from the Church, forms of clergy and specially trained laymen. They asked me questions. I answered rightly, save one. They asked me what would happen if a Church family was unrightly being threatened by a biker club (say, they had witnessed a murder by chance or some such, so innocent of the threat to them). I suggested prayer. They suggested the Church has other means of dealing with this, but I don't remember the answer. Drats! I am curious, even if it is just a dream.
Oh, a problem with the Amazon shopping effect. While internet shopping does lower costs it also makes it so that stores don't carry as many items. Further, items get boosts from initial sales while not getting good solid longer term reviews. For example, I have been looking for the perfect rice cooker for my mother. She enjoys her stir fry, and with her guy. But rice is a rather odious thing to prepare, more so the brown varietals, then time and keep warm. I have been looking at what is available. The top tier of rice cookers get rave reviews, and lots of them. But after some serious digging, after looking at the negs, I found that the various top tier cookers fail after anywhere from a year to three years, and it is a design flaw (or indiscreet planned obsolescence). The battery that runs the logic chips is impossible to change by a non-tech, without special tools, and dies in three years and other items are not built very well. Step it down to medium tier and you find construction or cleaning problems. Below that, you get crappy rice. But little of this would you know by reading the reviews (from new buyers and in a wasteful society). But nowhere can I find the rice cookers to look at them in person, look at the instruction manuals (often complicated and translated poorly from Japanese or Chinese into pig-English). The way of the future, I suppose.
Well, on with my day. Good day.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Well?
.
.
Okay, not today. I had something I forgot to change until it was too late. No problems, I enjoy having the missionaries over. And it is running a little too close to bedtime to try and add four or five hours of shooting and miscellany on top of it. But I did call my friend. Tomorrow will work, around noon which is early enough in my somewhat weak but strengthening foray into daylight. I am going to try and get in a bit early, my phone is having problems with 3G. Actually, the connection isn't even showing up. And I want to buy a Gerka. I have wanted to try those cigars for a long time.
Not much else going on. But I have had an easy time of staying up to almost 16:00. I think I am going to try and push it on up to 19:00 if I can. I won't stretch beyond sanity though. If I can just low and slow it, it might work. I slept until 1:30 or 2:00, I think. Perhaps I can sleep until later tonight. Better and better, more weight off, and I am starting to wonder if I have just missed another bullet.
Good night, or soon enough.
.
Okay, not today. I had something I forgot to change until it was too late. No problems, I enjoy having the missionaries over. And it is running a little too close to bedtime to try and add four or five hours of shooting and miscellany on top of it. But I did call my friend. Tomorrow will work, around noon which is early enough in my somewhat weak but strengthening foray into daylight. I am going to try and get in a bit early, my phone is having problems with 3G. Actually, the connection isn't even showing up. And I want to buy a Gerka. I have wanted to try those cigars for a long time.
Not much else going on. But I have had an easy time of staying up to almost 16:00. I think I am going to try and push it on up to 19:00 if I can. I won't stretch beyond sanity though. If I can just low and slow it, it might work. I slept until 1:30 or 2:00, I think. Perhaps I can sleep until later tonight. Better and better, more weight off, and I am starting to wonder if I have just missed another bullet.
Good night, or soon enough.
A new day.
.
.
Possibly in more ways then one. At 7:30 it was still dark. I checked my watch, and another clock just to make sure, so as to not call my mother at some weird hour of the night, as I have done when in a confused state. Yes, the time was right. So, a quick call just to catch up, say hello, pass on some news, catch up on some news, and, well... Do you remember as children, when our parents were everything. And sometimes we hated them for it? They weren't always fair, sometimes they didn't even try! They owned all money and would sometimes share it, sometimes not. We didn't know why. It didn't always make sense to us. And then we got out as fast as we could, most of us about the time we graduated because we were afraid of the options. You know, really, that was a pretty good life. Even mine, compared to what the world dishes out. Oh, I know, it was too small of a world to contain us. I guess it is still fair to reminisce? Anyway, that was a part of the call today. Especially after having spoken with my brother after... 18 years? That brought back a lot.
When the sun rose today, it was different. The last few weeks, when the sun would rise, it hurt me. If you want to know how, stay up overnight and look at the sun. Now do that several weeks in a row. The sun takes on a sinister, almost chilling in a way, sense. It assaults the mind, hurts the eyes, and just... looks wrong. Today the sun was... just the sun. It was where and when it was supposed to be, as was I. It was comforting. Not quite as good as usual, but more normal somehow.
I won't swear to it, but I might make it to town today. The odds are better, if not sure, the longer the day goes on. I made a breakfast. I think I added too much to my egg scramble though, too many things in the mix. While not bad, it was simply... bland? Then again food isn't tasting all that good recently.
I have decided that I probably am depressed at times. Not psychologically, though. I think of it as a mechanical depression. Whether it is from the weak heart function, liver or kidney issues, which all come or go, or some other physical ailment, the result is the same. Prozac, or whatever else they are pushing now, won't fix it. It isn't of the mind. It is the mind being acted on by an ill body. I don't think there is a cure, save a healthier body. Just a note so that I keep square with reality.
Yep, very possibly a visit with my friend, and getting him out shooting. He has done some gunsmithing and needs to check his work. Then a bit of shopping and maybe a meal to finish off our visit. Climbing out of the coffin for a day on the town with the crew, I suppose. I would certainly enjoy it. Well, as much as I am able to enjoy anything. Sometimes, like with pain, though I don't have a felt perception, I notice little indicators. Joy, flavor, pain, all are things I only peripherally notice. Such a shame, even pain is a good thing for many reasons, to include letting one know that they do indeed yet live.
I have been brushing my teeth much more regularly. Now that I am having someone look at them occasionally. Something about shame, hope, and having things out in the open. I am actually timing both the brushing and the rinsing. At two minutes each, I have noticed some significant improvements. While not quite to flossing, I am using my plastic toothpicks heavily again. I can't wait until I can afford a month and a half of patches to quit chewing. That might help, though the truth is, tobacco kills bacteria. On the bad side, it kills bad AND good bacteria.
Well, on to other things. Have a good day.
.
Possibly in more ways then one. At 7:30 it was still dark. I checked my watch, and another clock just to make sure, so as to not call my mother at some weird hour of the night, as I have done when in a confused state. Yes, the time was right. So, a quick call just to catch up, say hello, pass on some news, catch up on some news, and, well... Do you remember as children, when our parents were everything. And sometimes we hated them for it? They weren't always fair, sometimes they didn't even try! They owned all money and would sometimes share it, sometimes not. We didn't know why. It didn't always make sense to us. And then we got out as fast as we could, most of us about the time we graduated because we were afraid of the options. You know, really, that was a pretty good life. Even mine, compared to what the world dishes out. Oh, I know, it was too small of a world to contain us. I guess it is still fair to reminisce? Anyway, that was a part of the call today. Especially after having spoken with my brother after... 18 years? That brought back a lot.
When the sun rose today, it was different. The last few weeks, when the sun would rise, it hurt me. If you want to know how, stay up overnight and look at the sun. Now do that several weeks in a row. The sun takes on a sinister, almost chilling in a way, sense. It assaults the mind, hurts the eyes, and just... looks wrong. Today the sun was... just the sun. It was where and when it was supposed to be, as was I. It was comforting. Not quite as good as usual, but more normal somehow.
I won't swear to it, but I might make it to town today. The odds are better, if not sure, the longer the day goes on. I made a breakfast. I think I added too much to my egg scramble though, too many things in the mix. While not bad, it was simply... bland? Then again food isn't tasting all that good recently.
I have decided that I probably am depressed at times. Not psychologically, though. I think of it as a mechanical depression. Whether it is from the weak heart function, liver or kidney issues, which all come or go, or some other physical ailment, the result is the same. Prozac, or whatever else they are pushing now, won't fix it. It isn't of the mind. It is the mind being acted on by an ill body. I don't think there is a cure, save a healthier body. Just a note so that I keep square with reality.
Yep, very possibly a visit with my friend, and getting him out shooting. He has done some gunsmithing and needs to check his work. Then a bit of shopping and maybe a meal to finish off our visit. Climbing out of the coffin for a day on the town with the crew, I suppose. I would certainly enjoy it. Well, as much as I am able to enjoy anything. Sometimes, like with pain, though I don't have a felt perception, I notice little indicators. Joy, flavor, pain, all are things I only peripherally notice. Such a shame, even pain is a good thing for many reasons, to include letting one know that they do indeed yet live.
I have been brushing my teeth much more regularly. Now that I am having someone look at them occasionally. Something about shame, hope, and having things out in the open. I am actually timing both the brushing and the rinsing. At two minutes each, I have noticed some significant improvements. While not quite to flossing, I am using my plastic toothpicks heavily again. I can't wait until I can afford a month and a half of patches to quit chewing. That might help, though the truth is, tobacco kills bacteria. On the bad side, it kills bad AND good bacteria.
Well, on to other things. Have a good day.
A new day, a new chance.
.
.
I was able to go back to sleep several times, finally running out of steam to sleep somewhere between 1:30 and 2:00. That three and a half plus hours of sleep might make it more possible to extend my day. And, if I can, I will go to town. I do feel sort of beat up, like the proverbial salmon who survived breeding and is making his way back to sea.
I forgot medicine yesterday. No, not intentional at all, and I am back on it. It is just that I needed to set up my medicines again and never got to it. It seems like such an easy thing, and, really, it is. It is a matter of keeping it in my mind until I can focus on the task. There is the trick. I failed. No harm no foul, I am not dead. I bought vitamins and aspirin when I was taking my mother to the airport for her return flight but I cannot find those. I need to buy more. I really hate that. It's only $20 or so, but when I only have $60 to see me to the end of the month without digging into my paltry savings, it is disheartening.
I am seriously going to push to get to town today. The vitamins and aspirin, some meats and milk, butter and cream, and hopefully to get my friend out to shoot! I am feeling better on top of the other days. I will swear to nothing, however. I am simply too thin in what it takes to do anything with any surety. Oh, and I lost another two pounds. Weight is dropping off. I don't really know how, why. I only track it and, really, like it. In a few weeks to a month, I might be back to 264. At which point, if possible, I might make a run for 250, or even 240. I think 250 is the magic number. At that point I will be more capable of physical activity. I also understand that if I hit 250, and begin working out, I will gain weight quickly.
Working out. Dealing with weight gain through muscle development. Then losing more fat. It's not quite as straightforward as it seems. It is more akin to a puzzle where you try to put it all together in some convoluted order to win some prize. It is difficult for me to look in the mirror. At one time I was 240, wore a 31 inch waist, and benched over 550. I will never be there again. Perhaps I peaked a little early. Then again, just a few summers ago, I got back up to pressing 400. If I can just get and stick with it. The problem is it is not just willpower. That bum ticker is an s.o.b. It affects body, mind, or both. And for no good cause and without seeming rhyme or reason. Working on that...
Well, later. Have a great day.
.
I was able to go back to sleep several times, finally running out of steam to sleep somewhere between 1:30 and 2:00. That three and a half plus hours of sleep might make it more possible to extend my day. And, if I can, I will go to town. I do feel sort of beat up, like the proverbial salmon who survived breeding and is making his way back to sea.
I forgot medicine yesterday. No, not intentional at all, and I am back on it. It is just that I needed to set up my medicines again and never got to it. It seems like such an easy thing, and, really, it is. It is a matter of keeping it in my mind until I can focus on the task. There is the trick. I failed. No harm no foul, I am not dead. I bought vitamins and aspirin when I was taking my mother to the airport for her return flight but I cannot find those. I need to buy more. I really hate that. It's only $20 or so, but when I only have $60 to see me to the end of the month without digging into my paltry savings, it is disheartening.
I am seriously going to push to get to town today. The vitamins and aspirin, some meats and milk, butter and cream, and hopefully to get my friend out to shoot! I am feeling better on top of the other days. I will swear to nothing, however. I am simply too thin in what it takes to do anything with any surety. Oh, and I lost another two pounds. Weight is dropping off. I don't really know how, why. I only track it and, really, like it. In a few weeks to a month, I might be back to 264. At which point, if possible, I might make a run for 250, or even 240. I think 250 is the magic number. At that point I will be more capable of physical activity. I also understand that if I hit 250, and begin working out, I will gain weight quickly.
Working out. Dealing with weight gain through muscle development. Then losing more fat. It's not quite as straightforward as it seems. It is more akin to a puzzle where you try to put it all together in some convoluted order to win some prize. It is difficult for me to look in the mirror. At one time I was 240, wore a 31 inch waist, and benched over 550. I will never be there again. Perhaps I peaked a little early. Then again, just a few summers ago, I got back up to pressing 400. If I can just get and stick with it. The problem is it is not just willpower. That bum ticker is an s.o.b. It affects body, mind, or both. And for no good cause and without seeming rhyme or reason. Working on that...
Well, later. Have a great day.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
At almost 11:00...
.
.
Not even noon and I am crashing hard. I am not sure if anything will help me stay awake. You know that feeling you get, when your hands feel like balloons, because you are in pain? Well, no pain, just the feeling. My guess is that it hurts, I just can't feel it. Seriously. In the last three weeks I have scraped off chunks of skin. One, after we rearranged my bedroom and the raw ends of the bed, where the endboard is supposed to attach, caught me good. It tore a chunk of skin down to the meat off my shin, larger than a silver dollar. It also ripped a seven inch gash on my foot. Then, recently, I ripped a dime sized chunk off my right index finger. Oddly, messing with the microwave. The door did it as my left hand was shutting the door and my right hand didn't know in time. That door took off a good chunk of skin, again to the meat. No pain. I just don't feel pain. I can tell by other means that I am in pain, and one of those is the feeling that my hands are swollen. Something to do with dissociation I suppose. On the good side, my foot and shin have healed completely. Not bad for a diabetic with advanced heart failure. *grins*
I can't make it in today, obviously. At times like these, I really wonder if I am dying. I doubt it. I have gone through these things before and come through fine. In the past I would lose all track of what is going on. Now, doing better, at least if I limit medication, I know what is happening but can do nothing about it. It is getting better. I think. But gee is this a pain. Can't work, can't eat, can't even play. Sucks. Ah well, time will get me through this.
I best go to bed. Before it hurts bad enough that I really can feel it. Good... night...
.
Not even noon and I am crashing hard. I am not sure if anything will help me stay awake. You know that feeling you get, when your hands feel like balloons, because you are in pain? Well, no pain, just the feeling. My guess is that it hurts, I just can't feel it. Seriously. In the last three weeks I have scraped off chunks of skin. One, after we rearranged my bedroom and the raw ends of the bed, where the endboard is supposed to attach, caught me good. It tore a chunk of skin down to the meat off my shin, larger than a silver dollar. It also ripped a seven inch gash on my foot. Then, recently, I ripped a dime sized chunk off my right index finger. Oddly, messing with the microwave. The door did it as my left hand was shutting the door and my right hand didn't know in time. That door took off a good chunk of skin, again to the meat. No pain. I just don't feel pain. I can tell by other means that I am in pain, and one of those is the feeling that my hands are swollen. Something to do with dissociation I suppose. On the good side, my foot and shin have healed completely. Not bad for a diabetic with advanced heart failure. *grins*
I can't make it in today, obviously. At times like these, I really wonder if I am dying. I doubt it. I have gone through these things before and come through fine. In the past I would lose all track of what is going on. Now, doing better, at least if I limit medication, I know what is happening but can do nothing about it. It is getting better. I think. But gee is this a pain. Can't work, can't eat, can't even play. Sucks. Ah well, time will get me through this.
I best go to bed. Before it hurts bad enough that I really can feel it. Good... night...
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
(%*$(*^_*_!
.
.
Oh, nothing serious. When I go to bed at 6:00? I sleep until 22:00. When I go to bed at 14:00 or 15:00? I snap awake by 22:00. Two days in a row. I suppose that I am somehow cutting my sleep time is good, but it messes everything up. My friend called today but I missed the call. I knew I couldn't get to town when I saw the call and I hate dealing with bad news when I am already broken. I have a plan. Never worry, it too may fail. But dang it... I'm going to try something else. If what you are doing keeps failing, do... something else? I'll let you know if it worked.
I am feeling, again, ever so slightly better. I have lost 12 pounds since my high weight mark, losing two pounds just since yesterday. At 278, my goal isn't the 264 I was at as a low, but 250. I think at that point I can begin being more physically active, even in the cold. You may not remember but, when I didn't have a place to store up food, and instead of just blowing money I put it in seriously good winter gear. I still need a serious parka and gloves, and would like better pack boots but for more moderate weather I should be fine. But I have the underwear, long and short, snow pants, head gear, socks, and some other stuff. I do have what I need, should I want to go out when it gets down to even 20 below, just not the serious cold. Then again, I'm not very prone to frostbite. When I went out with my lady friend, cross country skiing, with plenty of spills and such, I didn't have anything over my ears or on my head actually at all, for five hours counting the time we were setting up, and taking down, and I doubt if the high that day hit 20 F. Don't try that at home. And no, my ears were warm the whole time. Only my feet got a bit cool, but the boots they offer at rentals are wretched for warmth, though I might have started cooling off anyway as I became tired and the last half of the time out was not strenuous as it was all down hill.
Even to be considering getting out, even to be trying to see my friend, all upgrades from the week or so in which I couldn't remember my name. Perhaps my cut in medication will be enough. I will make that decision next Monday, give or take. If I can't do the few things I need and want to do, if I am still stuck, I will take it down just a bit more. At least I can sort of keep on top of things, mentally. The cats have been being fed but... the kitty litter? Ugh... I just realized I have missed doing that. And the trash needs to go out, what of it there is. At least when I am down, trash simply doesn't pile up. But laundry does. Arghhhgghghgh!
I'm... on it. Right on it. Hahahaha.
Later.
.
Oh, nothing serious. When I go to bed at 6:00? I sleep until 22:00. When I go to bed at 14:00 or 15:00? I snap awake by 22:00. Two days in a row. I suppose that I am somehow cutting my sleep time is good, but it messes everything up. My friend called today but I missed the call. I knew I couldn't get to town when I saw the call and I hate dealing with bad news when I am already broken. I have a plan. Never worry, it too may fail. But dang it... I'm going to try something else. If what you are doing keeps failing, do... something else? I'll let you know if it worked.
I am feeling, again, ever so slightly better. I have lost 12 pounds since my high weight mark, losing two pounds just since yesterday. At 278, my goal isn't the 264 I was at as a low, but 250. I think at that point I can begin being more physically active, even in the cold. You may not remember but, when I didn't have a place to store up food, and instead of just blowing money I put it in seriously good winter gear. I still need a serious parka and gloves, and would like better pack boots but for more moderate weather I should be fine. But I have the underwear, long and short, snow pants, head gear, socks, and some other stuff. I do have what I need, should I want to go out when it gets down to even 20 below, just not the serious cold. Then again, I'm not very prone to frostbite. When I went out with my lady friend, cross country skiing, with plenty of spills and such, I didn't have anything over my ears or on my head actually at all, for five hours counting the time we were setting up, and taking down, and I doubt if the high that day hit 20 F. Don't try that at home. And no, my ears were warm the whole time. Only my feet got a bit cool, but the boots they offer at rentals are wretched for warmth, though I might have started cooling off anyway as I became tired and the last half of the time out was not strenuous as it was all down hill.
Even to be considering getting out, even to be trying to see my friend, all upgrades from the week or so in which I couldn't remember my name. Perhaps my cut in medication will be enough. I will make that decision next Monday, give or take. If I can't do the few things I need and want to do, if I am still stuck, I will take it down just a bit more. At least I can sort of keep on top of things, mentally. The cats have been being fed but... the kitty litter? Ugh... I just realized I have missed doing that. And the trash needs to go out, what of it there is. At least when I am down, trash simply doesn't pile up. But laundry does. Arghhhgghghgh!
I'm... on it. Right on it. Hahahaha.
Later.
Round 2!
.
.
Okay, so I made it through parts of yesterday's plan. I did stay up a good part of the day and I did speak with my brother, if he called right before I was going to call. Sneaky. I'll bet he reads my blog and knew what I was going to do, and when. I'm not sure how I feel about people who know me reading here. Then again, I am pretty sure a fair number of them do. How they find my blog is anybodies guess. I certainly don't hand it out. Bored people and the wiles of the internet.
So, I am up, it is 9:43 or something. I should eat something. I haven't been able to eat well lately. I do try but food, cooking, eating... just hasn't been working. Nibbling is the best way to describe my meals lately. I need to stay awake until around noon, then begin trying to call my friend. Perhaps he will want to go shooting, or shopping, or out for a meal.
I think I am feeling better, just a bit. And yesterday's efforts didn't end up hurting quite as bad as I had anticipated. Perhaps I can do something besides just feel better. There are a thousand things, it seems, on my plate. Lots of things to do just... no way to see myself through to them. If I get into town, I hope to do a bit of shopping. Some meats would be very nice. I need meat like some people need coffee or such. Probably more so. Fresh cooked meat, and better ripe off the bone, might just be what I need lots of. A steak or two, chicken hindquarters, a roast, some chops. Food, real food.
Wish me well in my endeavors?
.
Okay, so I made it through parts of yesterday's plan. I did stay up a good part of the day and I did speak with my brother, if he called right before I was going to call. Sneaky. I'll bet he reads my blog and knew what I was going to do, and when. I'm not sure how I feel about people who know me reading here. Then again, I am pretty sure a fair number of them do. How they find my blog is anybodies guess. I certainly don't hand it out. Bored people and the wiles of the internet.
So, I am up, it is 9:43 or something. I should eat something. I haven't been able to eat well lately. I do try but food, cooking, eating... just hasn't been working. Nibbling is the best way to describe my meals lately. I need to stay awake until around noon, then begin trying to call my friend. Perhaps he will want to go shooting, or shopping, or out for a meal.
I think I am feeling better, just a bit. And yesterday's efforts didn't end up hurting quite as bad as I had anticipated. Perhaps I can do something besides just feel better. There are a thousand things, it seems, on my plate. Lots of things to do just... no way to see myself through to them. If I get into town, I hope to do a bit of shopping. Some meats would be very nice. I need meat like some people need coffee or such. Probably more so. Fresh cooked meat, and better ripe off the bone, might just be what I need lots of. A steak or two, chicken hindquarters, a roast, some chops. Food, real food.
Wish me well in my endeavors?
Monday, October 24, 2011
I'm going to try.
.
.
It is about bedtime. But I am going to stay up until 11:00 and call my brother. And then, if I have any capacity left over, I am going to call my friend and see if he wants to go shoot. I won't be shooting myself, or perhaps the .22 rifle. Then, if he wants to go and would like to do some shopping and then wants to stop and eat somewhere, we could do that too. I will have to figure out something for tomorrow as well. A few phone calls and some business, but put them into my phone calender. Wednesday I can try and make services at noon, and then a light lunch somewhere.
This is going to hurt. I am finally at a place where this kind of pain might be worth the effort and pay off. I can't be sure it will work, or that I will make it. But I think I can give it a try. I have turned the furnace up, am trying to keep a bit of food in my stomach at all times, just a snack here and there, but of good foods, and keeping personally warm. As well, I will be setting a pot of coffee on in a short bit. I want to wait until I really need it and yet I need to drink it before it is too late. I have had zero caffeine lately, so it might hook me up well. Wish me luck?
Good... day? Ha! We will see.
.
It is about bedtime. But I am going to stay up until 11:00 and call my brother. And then, if I have any capacity left over, I am going to call my friend and see if he wants to go shoot. I won't be shooting myself, or perhaps the .22 rifle. Then, if he wants to go and would like to do some shopping and then wants to stop and eat somewhere, we could do that too. I will have to figure out something for tomorrow as well. A few phone calls and some business, but put them into my phone calender. Wednesday I can try and make services at noon, and then a light lunch somewhere.
This is going to hurt. I am finally at a place where this kind of pain might be worth the effort and pay off. I can't be sure it will work, or that I will make it. But I think I can give it a try. I have turned the furnace up, am trying to keep a bit of food in my stomach at all times, just a snack here and there, but of good foods, and keeping personally warm. As well, I will be setting a pot of coffee on in a short bit. I want to wait until I really need it and yet I need to drink it before it is too late. I have had zero caffeine lately, so it might hook me up well. Wish me luck?
Good... day? Ha! We will see.
Vampire days.
.
.
Going to bed at 6:00, waking at dusk. Yeah, that is just how it is going. That brief reprieve granted by the medication stoppage is gone. Beyond, I am still rather limited in function. I have been taking the medication, regularly as possible. I have lost another five pounds, from the peak. I am trying to figure out how to get back on my feet. It's just a crawl. I would love to simply cut the dose again. But, as I said, I will maintain this level for two weeks (so another week and change) before re-evaluating. I really do need to, probably, go slow with the medicines. Even if I was sure I was going to cut it, I would wait for a bit. I have probably just gotten lucky, so far, with drastic changes. Or not, but why push it?
My lady friend called. It seems she needs a lamp. I had purchased one for when she visited, after I moved out from living with her. Actually I purchased several, but one was just for her. It was meant to be arranged for when she visited but the arrangement was never set up. In any case, I offered that to her. I suggested that it was not all that bright but that seemed to be just fine for her needs and wants. I'll... get it sent before too long. It is still packed in the moving box. I may just check to make sure it is packed well enough for shipping.
My friend called. I tried to call him back but the call went straight to messaging. He called three days ago, according to my phone, but I just noticed the call and message. I need to call my brother, but the best time to call him is when I am deep in sleep. And I need to get some internet links together for my high school friend, regarding Game. I think it would help him a great deal. Potentially. Something about leading a horse to water, and all, though.
Heck, there is a lot of other things I need to do. I just can't get my head wrapped around everything. I am better than I had been, but and again, only a felt, perceived, "better". I am not that much more functionally better. So be it. I'll get to things when I can. I may try to sleep a little earlier, and wake with some daylight left. That usually doesn't work, either getting to sleep or when I can do that, waking earlier. Worth a shot, to heck with history.
Good... night?
.
Going to bed at 6:00, waking at dusk. Yeah, that is just how it is going. That brief reprieve granted by the medication stoppage is gone. Beyond, I am still rather limited in function. I have been taking the medication, regularly as possible. I have lost another five pounds, from the peak. I am trying to figure out how to get back on my feet. It's just a crawl. I would love to simply cut the dose again. But, as I said, I will maintain this level for two weeks (so another week and change) before re-evaluating. I really do need to, probably, go slow with the medicines. Even if I was sure I was going to cut it, I would wait for a bit. I have probably just gotten lucky, so far, with drastic changes. Or not, but why push it?
My lady friend called. It seems she needs a lamp. I had purchased one for when she visited, after I moved out from living with her. Actually I purchased several, but one was just for her. It was meant to be arranged for when she visited but the arrangement was never set up. In any case, I offered that to her. I suggested that it was not all that bright but that seemed to be just fine for her needs and wants. I'll... get it sent before too long. It is still packed in the moving box. I may just check to make sure it is packed well enough for shipping.
My friend called. I tried to call him back but the call went straight to messaging. He called three days ago, according to my phone, but I just noticed the call and message. I need to call my brother, but the best time to call him is when I am deep in sleep. And I need to get some internet links together for my high school friend, regarding Game. I think it would help him a great deal. Potentially. Something about leading a horse to water, and all, though.
Heck, there is a lot of other things I need to do. I just can't get my head wrapped around everything. I am better than I had been, but and again, only a felt, perceived, "better". I am not that much more functionally better. So be it. I'll get to things when I can. I may try to sleep a little earlier, and wake with some daylight left. That usually doesn't work, either getting to sleep or when I can do that, waking earlier. Worth a shot, to heck with history.
Good... night?
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Women. Huh?
.
.
Having burned through women, most of them who seem to have been around for just that, I have come to notice there are women out there worth having. Now, most of these women are owned. Fair enough. But it does leave me with the notion that there might be one out there who has not been taken. I have indulged in the physical fruits of a relationship with one of these creatures. I have even played house a few times, rather successfully. The she in those scenes just wasn't the right one. So I know of the other fruits of having a woman. I have even thought about what I need and want from a woman.
Sure, I would love to play the father in Father Knows Best, and have my own little wife and children. Truth is, as we all learned, there is no such thing. While you might create the appearance of such a family, and even the reality of it for the most part, the truth is that family life is hard work.
And what of women? Most, today, believe they are equal partners. Many believe they are full on equal to their men, or better. While men have sweated, grunted, groaned, and died making a world in which women in the modern parts of the world enjoy an easy life, while doors are opened, thermometers are set to women's needs, mechanical devices are constructed to make their lives simple, and everything is good, they forget just what did and does keep them warm and comfy. And they reject any notion that they could be at fault, any fault. So divorce looms large over any proposal, writ large is the truth that the family (circus) court is happy to destroy a marriage and a man at the whim of feckless women. And, no, religion doesn't play that large of a role in marriage anymore. Catholics, for example, the typical ones, are just as likely to divorce as any other group. Still...
This woman sings it well. She gets what I... enjoy in or about women, expressed how a woman would express it though, mind you.
I think she covers it in those songs. I suppose I could try to write it out, but why, when she invokes the notions viscerally, the way women understand things? Sometimes even men understand, I can, do in this case. Besides, if a picture is worth a thousand words, how much more a video with vocals? No, this will do.
.
Having burned through women, most of them who seem to have been around for just that, I have come to notice there are women out there worth having. Now, most of these women are owned. Fair enough. But it does leave me with the notion that there might be one out there who has not been taken. I have indulged in the physical fruits of a relationship with one of these creatures. I have even played house a few times, rather successfully. The she in those scenes just wasn't the right one. So I know of the other fruits of having a woman. I have even thought about what I need and want from a woman.
Sure, I would love to play the father in Father Knows Best, and have my own little wife and children. Truth is, as we all learned, there is no such thing. While you might create the appearance of such a family, and even the reality of it for the most part, the truth is that family life is hard work.
And what of women? Most, today, believe they are equal partners. Many believe they are full on equal to their men, or better. While men have sweated, grunted, groaned, and died making a world in which women in the modern parts of the world enjoy an easy life, while doors are opened, thermometers are set to women's needs, mechanical devices are constructed to make their lives simple, and everything is good, they forget just what did and does keep them warm and comfy. And they reject any notion that they could be at fault, any fault. So divorce looms large over any proposal, writ large is the truth that the family (circus) court is happy to destroy a marriage and a man at the whim of feckless women. And, no, religion doesn't play that large of a role in marriage anymore. Catholics, for example, the typical ones, are just as likely to divorce as any other group. Still...
This woman sings it well. She gets what I... enjoy in or about women, expressed how a woman would express it though, mind you.
I think she covers it in those songs. I suppose I could try to write it out, but why, when she invokes the notions viscerally, the way women understand things? Sometimes even men understand, I can, do in this case. Besides, if a picture is worth a thousand words, how much more a video with vocals? No, this will do.
Saturday, October 22, 2011
On the skids still.
.
.
Whoa! Really rough days. It's been difficult to take my medicine, track what day it is, or... anything. To redevelop order, I am putting my foot down. Brushing teeth must continue, medicine must be taken, and I have to figure out how to take my medicines. I can't control drift but I must try. I was lost there for a bit, fair enough. I am still lost, but becoming aware. So, back to it.
A local called. I almost suspect my mother had something to do with that. She now has a contact here. Perhaps not, just a suspicion, but... In our conversation I indicated that next year I would like, if they could and would allow it, to help with their garden. They have a huge garden, and some of the things they grow are amazing for this area. This is a desert, and just because you water things doesn't mean they will grow. Celery? Really? Yep. Not only that, but their yields are to die for, right in the middle of a desert. The Misses cans and otherwise stores large amounts of food. They don't buy canned goods, for the most part. It seems they would be happy to have me help while they teach me. He suggested that the reason they do so well is that they spend their whole summer literally wrapped up in their garden. So much so they can't really take a vacation. And, the Misses is the green thumb, the Mister just 'follows orders' and I would be 'given orders' as well. He asked if I could handle that, and I chortled just a bit. Of course, how else is there? All fair enough. I even suggested, if I train up well enough, perhaps I could tend their garden so they could take some time off from time to time. A decent trade, to my mind. And I hope to learn a great deal. Planting, watering cycles, rows, what type of produce I would like (as they have far larger of a garden than I will grow), tending the soil. From a true Mistress of the garden. And, if I can help them take a couple of vacations a summer, all on the good side.
The Mister and myself also discussed women. He asked if I understood that women are in charge. Of course, says I. Women, good women, don't just move in and take ownership, they run the home. From heat levels to when meals are had to... well, everything mundane is theirs. And, it does become a woman's home, we are guests in it no matter that we bought it. Of course I know this. Now, men, if they are wise, will guide this process. A good man, regarding the home, finances, and such, should bring wisdom to the thing, not the actual running of the operation. And men do have veto power. I may have... left him thinking the wrong thing though. I forgot to add "mundane". Beyond the physical, women are subordinate. The bible and all tradition of which I am aware puts men as the head of the house in all manners, allowing for the relegation of duties and responsibilities. But when it comes to the soul, men are in charge. We either drive our family to heaven or hell. Relegating that duty is a sure way to end up in hell. Man is in charge, but if he is wise, he will give many of the worldly affairs over to the woman. No one has to like it, but like when falling from a high place, you don't have to like gravity either, but there it is.
Yes, yes, if I find a woman, I have zero doubt that I will be taking orders. When my lady friend is here, even then, even though we are no longer lovers, she takes over. How hot does she want the home? When is she hungry? Does she need this or that? It is all about her. Same with my mother. Women own homes, even homes they don't own. I take orders. I know my place. Make no doubt. However, in love, money, and things of God, a man best be on his toes and own up to his place. He has to rule the roost or the hen will fly or go the rest of the way crazy. Rule, we must, but with a level even but strong if gentle hand. I am no philistine in these matters. I have lost hens and let hens go and even chucked a couple of them. *evil grins*
How much I can do I will never know until I get to it. But as I see it, I need to put things in front of me before I can take that first step. I need tasks, ones that don't cost, ones I can see progress being made regarding. I have to have a job before I can do work. My mind simply isn't great at... creating work. Or, work that I know how to, or can afford, to do. They don't live far, but far enough that I could ride my bike 'to work'. It will be sticking too it, with my ever changing schedule, that will be the trick. We will see.
Later.
.
Whoa! Really rough days. It's been difficult to take my medicine, track what day it is, or... anything. To redevelop order, I am putting my foot down. Brushing teeth must continue, medicine must be taken, and I have to figure out how to take my medicines. I can't control drift but I must try. I was lost there for a bit, fair enough. I am still lost, but becoming aware. So, back to it.
A local called. I almost suspect my mother had something to do with that. She now has a contact here. Perhaps not, just a suspicion, but... In our conversation I indicated that next year I would like, if they could and would allow it, to help with their garden. They have a huge garden, and some of the things they grow are amazing for this area. This is a desert, and just because you water things doesn't mean they will grow. Celery? Really? Yep. Not only that, but their yields are to die for, right in the middle of a desert. The Misses cans and otherwise stores large amounts of food. They don't buy canned goods, for the most part. It seems they would be happy to have me help while they teach me. He suggested that the reason they do so well is that they spend their whole summer literally wrapped up in their garden. So much so they can't really take a vacation. And, the Misses is the green thumb, the Mister just 'follows orders' and I would be 'given orders' as well. He asked if I could handle that, and I chortled just a bit. Of course, how else is there? All fair enough. I even suggested, if I train up well enough, perhaps I could tend their garden so they could take some time off from time to time. A decent trade, to my mind. And I hope to learn a great deal. Planting, watering cycles, rows, what type of produce I would like (as they have far larger of a garden than I will grow), tending the soil. From a true Mistress of the garden. And, if I can help them take a couple of vacations a summer, all on the good side.
The Mister and myself also discussed women. He asked if I understood that women are in charge. Of course, says I. Women, good women, don't just move in and take ownership, they run the home. From heat levels to when meals are had to... well, everything mundane is theirs. And, it does become a woman's home, we are guests in it no matter that we bought it. Of course I know this. Now, men, if they are wise, will guide this process. A good man, regarding the home, finances, and such, should bring wisdom to the thing, not the actual running of the operation. And men do have veto power. I may have... left him thinking the wrong thing though. I forgot to add "mundane". Beyond the physical, women are subordinate. The bible and all tradition of which I am aware puts men as the head of the house in all manners, allowing for the relegation of duties and responsibilities. But when it comes to the soul, men are in charge. We either drive our family to heaven or hell. Relegating that duty is a sure way to end up in hell. Man is in charge, but if he is wise, he will give many of the worldly affairs over to the woman. No one has to like it, but like when falling from a high place, you don't have to like gravity either, but there it is.
Yes, yes, if I find a woman, I have zero doubt that I will be taking orders. When my lady friend is here, even then, even though we are no longer lovers, she takes over. How hot does she want the home? When is she hungry? Does she need this or that? It is all about her. Same with my mother. Women own homes, even homes they don't own. I take orders. I know my place. Make no doubt. However, in love, money, and things of God, a man best be on his toes and own up to his place. He has to rule the roost or the hen will fly or go the rest of the way crazy. Rule, we must, but with a level even but strong if gentle hand. I am no philistine in these matters. I have lost hens and let hens go and even chucked a couple of them. *evil grins*
How much I can do I will never know until I get to it. But as I see it, I need to put things in front of me before I can take that first step. I need tasks, ones that don't cost, ones I can see progress being made regarding. I have to have a job before I can do work. My mind simply isn't great at... creating work. Or, work that I know how to, or can afford, to do. They don't live far, but far enough that I could ride my bike 'to work'. It will be sticking too it, with my ever changing schedule, that will be the trick. We will see.
Later.
Friday, October 21, 2011
Which is worse, total exhaustion or insomnia?
.
.
Never mind. Since I seem to be suffering from both. How is that even possible. Between sleeping 14 to 16 hours, I am staying up seemingly forever but in a haze on top of it. It is better than a week ago, and actually by a goodly bit, but not to the point where function has increased. I merely feel better, sleep a little less, and am more awake when I am able to be awake. It is purely just a sense of things at this point. The reprieve from medicines was nice, but not sustainable for real medical reason (and supposedly potentially lethal, both going off and then back on at full(ish) dosage, are potentially fatal and extremely dangerous, or so I was scolded, if I only felt and continue to feel better). I will give this slight cut in dose a couple of weeks. And if I am still in limbo, I will cut it a bit more. At least I have some... function, control, back at this slightly lowered dose. But it's still quite rough.
I am out of soda. I won't be buying more for a while. Once every couple of months I buy a 12-pack or case and enjoy. I drink it as fast or slowly as I like. Regular drinking was starting to bring my A1C closer to 6.0 so I have gone to intermittent consumption of the sugary stuff. I don't want to tip over 6. How odd though, that a few changes honestly did, essentially, cure diabetes. My A1C, if you remember, was over 11.0 for a while and may have been over 13 iirc, without soda and on medicines. Then medicines only brought that to 8.0 or 9.0. When I tossed the medicine and went to meats, home-cooked whole grains, rice, and beans, and just ignored it, and quit with the doctors for a couple of years, my diabetes was gone when I finally went back to the doctor. Don't ask me, I honestly don't know. But I certainly have another reason not to believe a thing out of doctor's mouth. They obviously don't know, at least about me.
I have ceased to be quite so grumpy about and disappointed with doctors. For all I know, when I say I am not a sheep, I think that may mean in more ways than just religious. I was built differently, made to be and act differently. I honestly sometimes have to wonder just how typically human I am. Which, of course, has lead me to speculation, being a giant being one of the alternative notions. And, I think that I have grown at least an inch and a half since my late 20's, early 30's, suggests I might have that as a medically definable thing, not just some mythological notion. So, yeah, I guess I have let them off the hook, if too, it means they cannot be relied upon. I must use them to my ends and pretty much ignore them. Though I was a bit miffed at being told I should have called. Of the four times I have called them I have never had good luck with getting help. What is there for me to trust? I am alone and will do what I must, for me. They certainly thave no means of helping me. I am a bit angry at their incrimination after their continued failures. I cannot boon failure with continued effort or belief.
Pretty beat up, I feel like a salmon who has made his run, spawned, and yet still lives and could make it back to the ocean... if. I. could. just... make it. Ugh! Hey, I will do what I can. I think it is the constant pounding that keeps me going sometimes. Later.
.
Never mind. Since I seem to be suffering from both. How is that even possible. Between sleeping 14 to 16 hours, I am staying up seemingly forever but in a haze on top of it. It is better than a week ago, and actually by a goodly bit, but not to the point where function has increased. I merely feel better, sleep a little less, and am more awake when I am able to be awake. It is purely just a sense of things at this point. The reprieve from medicines was nice, but not sustainable for real medical reason (and supposedly potentially lethal, both going off and then back on at full(ish) dosage, are potentially fatal and extremely dangerous, or so I was scolded, if I only felt and continue to feel better). I will give this slight cut in dose a couple of weeks. And if I am still in limbo, I will cut it a bit more. At least I have some... function, control, back at this slightly lowered dose. But it's still quite rough.
I am out of soda. I won't be buying more for a while. Once every couple of months I buy a 12-pack or case and enjoy. I drink it as fast or slowly as I like. Regular drinking was starting to bring my A1C closer to 6.0 so I have gone to intermittent consumption of the sugary stuff. I don't want to tip over 6. How odd though, that a few changes honestly did, essentially, cure diabetes. My A1C, if you remember, was over 11.0 for a while and may have been over 13 iirc, without soda and on medicines. Then medicines only brought that to 8.0 or 9.0. When I tossed the medicine and went to meats, home-cooked whole grains, rice, and beans, and just ignored it, and quit with the doctors for a couple of years, my diabetes was gone when I finally went back to the doctor. Don't ask me, I honestly don't know. But I certainly have another reason not to believe a thing out of doctor's mouth. They obviously don't know, at least about me.
I have ceased to be quite so grumpy about and disappointed with doctors. For all I know, when I say I am not a sheep, I think that may mean in more ways than just religious. I was built differently, made to be and act differently. I honestly sometimes have to wonder just how typically human I am. Which, of course, has lead me to speculation, being a giant being one of the alternative notions. And, I think that I have grown at least an inch and a half since my late 20's, early 30's, suggests I might have that as a medically definable thing, not just some mythological notion. So, yeah, I guess I have let them off the hook, if too, it means they cannot be relied upon. I must use them to my ends and pretty much ignore them. Though I was a bit miffed at being told I should have called. Of the four times I have called them I have never had good luck with getting help. What is there for me to trust? I am alone and will do what I must, for me. They certainly thave no means of helping me. I am a bit angry at their incrimination after their continued failures. I cannot boon failure with continued effort or belief.
Pretty beat up, I feel like a salmon who has made his run, spawned, and yet still lives and could make it back to the ocean... if. I. could. just... make it. Ugh! Hey, I will do what I can. I think it is the constant pounding that keeps me going sometimes. Later.
A call from my lady friend.
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It's always nice to get a call. All of my people seem to wait a week or more to call me back, but then it becomes a surprise since I had... forgotten. Squirrels must go through this when they bury nuts all fall and then just stumble across one they forgot. Yipee!
She may have found a place to garden. She has been canoeing instead this year. And while she loves to canoe, gardening seems to have her heart. She sounds good, broke and more as ever, but good. She has found a new star to obsess herself with as well. Since Harry Potter is done, she got tired of Katharine Hepburn, and for some reason she lost interest in the Twilight series at the third movie, she has moved on to Russel Crowe. Good call, by my measures.
I told her that I bought a bike, and had been a bit more active until medicine, as it was raised, decreased my abilities. I told her the long and short of the miraculous bad heart. She wonders if I will die before she gets to move in. I just said that I wasn't that lucky. I was talking about dying, but saw the double entendre and left it at that. Let her figure it out! heh I told her about some of my hopes, too. I told her she is a goth girl. She doesn't know what that means, but I think if she had been raised in the modern era (as with me), we would have been goths. Thank goodness for not though! Mostly.
The missionaries came by yesterday, and brought a 'supervisor' and I think an elderly gentleman who seems to be something like a community outreach type of actor. I think I surprised them with just what I do know. Even having read the bible, but more, understanding certain concepts and being able to complete them (if not always the way they understand it, if more fully). While we were talking, the older man suggested that I was rather... individual, independent. To which I suggest that I am not of the sheep, if too I am not a wolf. The room got quiet, perhaps what he suggested or what I replied, offhandedly, has special significance for them. Who knows but that I will probably never know. Actually, it almost startled me when I hear it. But, yeah, I think that is true. What is not a wolf or a sheep, by the way? In literal and biblically literary terms?
It's about bed time. You say good day, I say good night. Hmm, almost song worthy, with a little tweaking and a ride on the wayback machine. Have a good one.
.
It's always nice to get a call. All of my people seem to wait a week or more to call me back, but then it becomes a surprise since I had... forgotten. Squirrels must go through this when they bury nuts all fall and then just stumble across one they forgot. Yipee!
She may have found a place to garden. She has been canoeing instead this year. And while she loves to canoe, gardening seems to have her heart. She sounds good, broke and more as ever, but good. She has found a new star to obsess herself with as well. Since Harry Potter is done, she got tired of Katharine Hepburn, and for some reason she lost interest in the Twilight series at the third movie, she has moved on to Russel Crowe. Good call, by my measures.
I told her that I bought a bike, and had been a bit more active until medicine, as it was raised, decreased my abilities. I told her the long and short of the miraculous bad heart. She wonders if I will die before she gets to move in. I just said that I wasn't that lucky. I was talking about dying, but saw the double entendre and left it at that. Let her figure it out! heh I told her about some of my hopes, too. I told her she is a goth girl. She doesn't know what that means, but I think if she had been raised in the modern era (as with me), we would have been goths. Thank goodness for not though! Mostly.
The missionaries came by yesterday, and brought a 'supervisor' and I think an elderly gentleman who seems to be something like a community outreach type of actor. I think I surprised them with just what I do know. Even having read the bible, but more, understanding certain concepts and being able to complete them (if not always the way they understand it, if more fully). While we were talking, the older man suggested that I was rather... individual, independent. To which I suggest that I am not of the sheep, if too I am not a wolf. The room got quiet, perhaps what he suggested or what I replied, offhandedly, has special significance for them. Who knows but that I will probably never know. Actually, it almost startled me when I hear it. But, yeah, I think that is true. What is not a wolf or a sheep, by the way? In literal and biblically literary terms?
It's about bed time. You say good day, I say good night. Hmm, almost song worthy, with a little tweaking and a ride on the wayback machine. Have a good one.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Are you a liar?
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And, before you ask, yes. I am. It is a rare thing, to my mind, for me to lie. But sometimes I cover for my weakness, illness, by lying. Sometimes I lie because to tell the whole story is more than I wish to share. These lies are pretty much kept to associates, people I don't know extremely well. My family and friends get both barrels. I consider social lying as a form of diplomacy, and only to be used to change a subject or decline an offer, and rarely at that. I have, for the most part, and to my understanding of things, written as close to the truth here as I am able. And still, some of it is not true. Offering several versions of how I see, sense, remember things here, in which the versions can be only one being true the other false, I have lied. For my part, on some things, I have great confusion. In short, I don't always know the truth. I would guess my truth is that I give you what I believe at a particular moment, so it is my beliefs that are false. And that I give you all of what I believe, even if only one of two options can be true. I have no choice, it was how I was built, I think.
Here is an interesting video on the topic. Stolen, directly, from Ace of Spades HQ (somewhere there).
For my part, I don't believe you. It is just the way I am. I will, for the sake of argument, believe that you believe you. Should you fail in this regard, and I come to find out you don't even believe you, depending on the situation, I may set you aside, set you aside on some things, or understand you have a particular weakness. If, in time, I come to believe both that you believe you and that you speak truth in real terms, then I will honor you, befriend you (even if it pains me). But, as I said, default is disbelief with a charity of allowance. I can't say I am good at telling when I am being lied to though. The truth, usually, does come out. And, basically, with my philosophy noted above, for the most part, it simply doesn't matter. Actually, when I meet people, I think the reason, save for blacks, that I get a good reception, is that people believe me. Which is why I would, could, never go into sales, politics, or some other things. Never mind, just, for my own conscience, I couldn't, wouldn't, do that. (And yet I understand the need for such people. Hush!)
And I agree with the video. Lying is usually an agreed state between two people, save when it isn't. Usually it is though. Most people aren't con men. Every woman I have ever been with has lied, to save peace in the relationship or get tasks done or even just because a bit (save one, but she still lied, though more because she was lost and her reasoning was beyond weak). My mother, while visiting and all through my life, has lied. White lies, and some black lies, from most people. Which is anathema to me, especially from people who are close to me or seek to be. As someone who has struggled with truth, about my confused past, it is like quitting smoking only to find yourself among smokers. It is more than annoying, it is potentially intoxicating. The best liars are the unknowing liars, by the way. If I were to formulate a lie, I would find someone ignorant and pliable, teach them the lie as truth, and send them to whoever it is I wished to tell the lie to as if they were the originator of the "truth". The best lie is the one that is told by the one who believes it.
I should also add that being truthful, to elites, is proof of... being a peasant. From professors to doctors to politicians, lying isn't just an art, it's a science and a means of providing bona fides to their eliteness. More so if they can get the 'peasant' to not only believe, but act on, the falsity of the lie. Al Gore must be having a wonderful time, as did Clinton when he was president. Zero must be enjoying living out his fantasy, if the loss of the House sort of ended his deceptive enactments to a degree. "The peasants are demanding food, your highness, food we cannot provide"! his Highness, "Just tell them food will be arriving in three days, a week tops". "But sire, there is no food". His highness, "There need not be any food, it will simply scatter the crowd for now. After which, you find the leaders and... bring them to me". It hasn't always been just about... elite bona fides. It still isn't, and has a very dark side.
The whole notion reminds me of a old joke. Angie was getting ready for the second date with her new boyfriend. Her brother, who had never been on a second date, let alone a first one, asked Angie how she gets to the second date. Angie just suggests that herself and her date had lied well enough on the first date for a second try! Yeah, okay, old jokes were a bit quaint in these modern times. But I still... enjoyed the honesty surrounding lies and liars and relationships. The truth about lies? How... novel, avant garde... passe? Who knows and never you mind anywhile.
Never mind. I enjoyed the video and the notions and thought to share it on this sunny day. It's sunny where I live and I am enjoying it. If it's not sunny were you live? Sad to be you! No lie. :p
.
And, before you ask, yes. I am. It is a rare thing, to my mind, for me to lie. But sometimes I cover for my weakness, illness, by lying. Sometimes I lie because to tell the whole story is more than I wish to share. These lies are pretty much kept to associates, people I don't know extremely well. My family and friends get both barrels. I consider social lying as a form of diplomacy, and only to be used to change a subject or decline an offer, and rarely at that. I have, for the most part, and to my understanding of things, written as close to the truth here as I am able. And still, some of it is not true. Offering several versions of how I see, sense, remember things here, in which the versions can be only one being true the other false, I have lied. For my part, on some things, I have great confusion. In short, I don't always know the truth. I would guess my truth is that I give you what I believe at a particular moment, so it is my beliefs that are false. And that I give you all of what I believe, even if only one of two options can be true. I have no choice, it was how I was built, I think.
Here is an interesting video on the topic. Stolen, directly, from Ace of Spades HQ (somewhere there).
For my part, I don't believe you. It is just the way I am. I will, for the sake of argument, believe that you believe you. Should you fail in this regard, and I come to find out you don't even believe you, depending on the situation, I may set you aside, set you aside on some things, or understand you have a particular weakness. If, in time, I come to believe both that you believe you and that you speak truth in real terms, then I will honor you, befriend you (even if it pains me). But, as I said, default is disbelief with a charity of allowance. I can't say I am good at telling when I am being lied to though. The truth, usually, does come out. And, basically, with my philosophy noted above, for the most part, it simply doesn't matter. Actually, when I meet people, I think the reason, save for blacks, that I get a good reception, is that people believe me. Which is why I would, could, never go into sales, politics, or some other things. Never mind, just, for my own conscience, I couldn't, wouldn't, do that. (And yet I understand the need for such people. Hush!)
And I agree with the video. Lying is usually an agreed state between two people, save when it isn't. Usually it is though. Most people aren't con men. Every woman I have ever been with has lied, to save peace in the relationship or get tasks done or even just because a bit (save one, but she still lied, though more because she was lost and her reasoning was beyond weak). My mother, while visiting and all through my life, has lied. White lies, and some black lies, from most people. Which is anathema to me, especially from people who are close to me or seek to be. As someone who has struggled with truth, about my confused past, it is like quitting smoking only to find yourself among smokers. It is more than annoying, it is potentially intoxicating. The best liars are the unknowing liars, by the way. If I were to formulate a lie, I would find someone ignorant and pliable, teach them the lie as truth, and send them to whoever it is I wished to tell the lie to as if they were the originator of the "truth". The best lie is the one that is told by the one who believes it.
I should also add that being truthful, to elites, is proof of... being a peasant. From professors to doctors to politicians, lying isn't just an art, it's a science and a means of providing bona fides to their eliteness. More so if they can get the 'peasant' to not only believe, but act on, the falsity of the lie. Al Gore must be having a wonderful time, as did Clinton when he was president. Zero must be enjoying living out his fantasy, if the loss of the House sort of ended his deceptive enactments to a degree. "The peasants are demanding food, your highness, food we cannot provide"! his Highness, "Just tell them food will be arriving in three days, a week tops". "But sire, there is no food". His highness, "There need not be any food, it will simply scatter the crowd for now. After which, you find the leaders and... bring them to me". It hasn't always been just about... elite bona fides. It still isn't, and has a very dark side.
The whole notion reminds me of a old joke. Angie was getting ready for the second date with her new boyfriend. Her brother, who had never been on a second date, let alone a first one, asked Angie how she gets to the second date. Angie just suggests that herself and her date had lied well enough on the first date for a second try! Yeah, okay, old jokes were a bit quaint in these modern times. But I still... enjoyed the honesty surrounding lies and liars and relationships. The truth about lies? How... novel, avant garde... passe? Who knows and never you mind anywhile.
Never mind. I enjoyed the video and the notions and thought to share it on this sunny day. It's sunny where I live and I am enjoying it. If it's not sunny were you live? Sad to be you! No lie. :p
Okay, now I have to say...
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While I do call myself libertarian, it is in the conservative-libertarian vein. I must say, however, that I am seeing very strange beliefs among some of the more prominent libertarian types I know. For example, D.C. suggesting that a return to the 2007 federal spending levels as being quite good (you do realize you are supporting President Bush, no you are, by saying that, right?); Vox supporting the OWC crowd; the mixing of Rand Paul and McCain; Ron Paul running on the Republican ticket, and offering an unconstitutional (parts of it) economic plan (without a word from the "pro-constitution" guys), and a dozen other oddities.
There is much aggrievement from many libertarians about the Tea Party being a Republican ploy. And... what, exactly, is the libertarian party? It's a younger (generally) version of the Tea Party, more fully expressed into it's own party if never too seriously. Both have elements that are outside, or apart from, the Republican party. But for the most part, they are merely tools of change. They are the social, civil, elements of the party, the voters, demanding reform and a return to (possibly fictional, if laudable and possibly functional new roots if true) roots of the Republican party. So I laugh deliciously to see libertarians ripping Tea Partiers. Especially as a guy who has a foot in all three political groups. Kinda neat to have three legs, by the way. It's like pink calling lavender 'teh gey'. heh
I don't value protests as anything, for the most part, but see them almost solely as disorders. I see them as means of creating chaos on the streets which offers a power grab for certain groups. While Zero is smiling like an idiot, don't think he and his cohort aren't considering how they could use this to grab power. One or two major acts of violence, or the allowance of riots for some time, would make people stay mum if he decides to eliminate civil rights. He wouldn't use it on these groups, so much, mind you. He would use it to destroy the Tea Party, or try. The OWC'ers are, or could easily morph into, Zero's 'brownshirts'. Now, I also don't classify a rally, such as what the Tea Party puts on, as protest. That is quite different. I really shouldn't have to be explaining this to adults, but it seems as if some libertarian types can't or won't see the difference.
Sometimes I feel very alone. I quit the Republican party, I'm not quite Tea Party, if I have huge sympathies, empathy, and agreement. And while I hold some libertarian thought, I would not say I am a true libertarian, either. But more, when I see people who should know better throwing in with what Zero, the communist and neo-NAZI parties, and other rogue elements, are also supporting, I... get a chill.
Still, I get a chuckle too. Children, indeed. IQ means nothing if it is not used. And petty jealousy is so inelegant. The libertarian party is dying. The Tea Party is rising. But neither, to my way of thinking, will or even were meant to last. They will and have provided seed that is blossoming into a new Republican party. They have an end date, a best if used by stamp, based on changes to government. That is all they were ever meant to do, even by the founders of those movements, whether admitted to or not. There simply isn't room for another party unless one or both of the old ones dies. Though, with Democrats, unless they can grab enough power quickly enough to inextricably kill this nation as we know it and make it into a one-party system, might be up for extinction. If we can make it to the next election, I think, and a constitutional amendment limiting spending to income, we will be fine. It's a race. So, perhaps the Libertarian party actually has a place, in such a case. Until an extinction occurs though, these groups are merely... seed and fruit. Bah!
.
While I do call myself libertarian, it is in the conservative-libertarian vein. I must say, however, that I am seeing very strange beliefs among some of the more prominent libertarian types I know. For example, D.C. suggesting that a return to the 2007 federal spending levels as being quite good (you do realize you are supporting President Bush, no you are, by saying that, right?); Vox supporting the OWC crowd; the mixing of Rand Paul and McCain; Ron Paul running on the Republican ticket, and offering an unconstitutional (parts of it) economic plan (without a word from the "pro-constitution" guys), and a dozen other oddities.
There is much aggrievement from many libertarians about the Tea Party being a Republican ploy. And... what, exactly, is the libertarian party? It's a younger (generally) version of the Tea Party, more fully expressed into it's own party if never too seriously. Both have elements that are outside, or apart from, the Republican party. But for the most part, they are merely tools of change. They are the social, civil, elements of the party, the voters, demanding reform and a return to (possibly fictional, if laudable and possibly functional new roots if true) roots of the Republican party. So I laugh deliciously to see libertarians ripping Tea Partiers. Especially as a guy who has a foot in all three political groups. Kinda neat to have three legs, by the way. It's like pink calling lavender 'teh gey'. heh
I don't value protests as anything, for the most part, but see them almost solely as disorders. I see them as means of creating chaos on the streets which offers a power grab for certain groups. While Zero is smiling like an idiot, don't think he and his cohort aren't considering how they could use this to grab power. One or two major acts of violence, or the allowance of riots for some time, would make people stay mum if he decides to eliminate civil rights. He wouldn't use it on these groups, so much, mind you. He would use it to destroy the Tea Party, or try. The OWC'ers are, or could easily morph into, Zero's 'brownshirts'. Now, I also don't classify a rally, such as what the Tea Party puts on, as protest. That is quite different. I really shouldn't have to be explaining this to adults, but it seems as if some libertarian types can't or won't see the difference.
Sometimes I feel very alone. I quit the Republican party, I'm not quite Tea Party, if I have huge sympathies, empathy, and agreement. And while I hold some libertarian thought, I would not say I am a true libertarian, either. But more, when I see people who should know better throwing in with what Zero, the communist and neo-NAZI parties, and other rogue elements, are also supporting, I... get a chill.
Still, I get a chuckle too. Children, indeed. IQ means nothing if it is not used. And petty jealousy is so inelegant. The libertarian party is dying. The Tea Party is rising. But neither, to my way of thinking, will or even were meant to last. They will and have provided seed that is blossoming into a new Republican party. They have an end date, a best if used by stamp, based on changes to government. That is all they were ever meant to do, even by the founders of those movements, whether admitted to or not. There simply isn't room for another party unless one or both of the old ones dies. Though, with Democrats, unless they can grab enough power quickly enough to inextricably kill this nation as we know it and make it into a one-party system, might be up for extinction. If we can make it to the next election, I think, and a constitutional amendment limiting spending to income, we will be fine. It's a race. So, perhaps the Libertarian party actually has a place, in such a case. Until an extinction occurs though, these groups are merely... seed and fruit. Bah!
An interesting day.
.
.
My doctor and dental appointments were a bit tough. They didn't like that I had quit my meds for three days. "You should have called"! "It really could have killed you"! "What were you thinking"! "Hold off, cease, desist!", says I. As for the fact that it could have killed me, if I hadn't stopped, I would have gone into unconsciousness and dropped the medicines, not for a day but for weeks or months, and missed appointments. I am strongly fragile, I seem to be able to deal with things I shouldn't be able to handle (dropping meds) and not handle what they say I should be able to handle (medicine). If they don't understand that, how can I? I am not a doctor, specialist, or anything. I'm just the end user of a really screwed up body. As for what I was thinking, that is the point. I couldn't think, not even to call.
I really am not crazy. Jaded, a bit, but not crazy. Ill, to be sure, but merely bodily. They don't know what is wrong, nor do I. They are treating a severe heart condition but don't even know what else is wrong with me. Depression? Then why do the heart meds make it worse and medicines supposed to treat it do nothing but add side effects? Yes, I realize my brain is affected by whatever illnesses exist, but not into insanity, more into simply not being able to think. As I said, it would be like camping in a truly cold environment where you can never quite get warm. At near hypothermic conditions, your ability to think simply becomes limited. That explains my condition on higher doses of medicine perfectly. And yet, no matter how often I explain this it is more akin to talking to a brick wall then getting through.
I was told, because of my bad behavior, that I will not be a candidate for a heart transplant should my heart not improve. I told them that I would not even consider a heart transplant. I was told, "Many people say that, but when faced with it they often choose to undergo the procedure". I laughed (a quick outburst), then told them, from the initial consultations, that I had thought I was already at that point and still rejected it. I won't become a Frankenstein freak for their medical experimentation. It is good to know that, since I can't "follow orders", I am not a candidate. Call it doubling down, so that they can't sneak it in on me should I be unconscious and they try to work it past my mother. To say they were angry at me would be to be generous. They didn't say anything bad, they simply didn't want to... deal with me. My next appointment is not until... late January. I guess if you aren't a 'favored son', being prepped for some grand medical experiment, to be useful in their teaching forum, you are a chump. So be it. I am on my own, and knew that from the beginning. I just didn't understand all the rules upfront. I am learning.
The other test, I am told, was not dealing with electrical current or such, but some sort of pressure testing at various points in my heart. As I had said, those numbers all came back very good. The notion that this was some sort of virus was again suggested as the very highly most likely source. I asked how long it takes a heart to get this bad. They had no answer, not even a ballpark. I would still suggest that this has been a very long term event, possibly even to childhood, if I have no proof. I go completely by the fact that I was having "energy" issues, even when young. That wall of exhaustion, limits at times that would come and go, sleep issues. They could be related to social problems, moving often, changing families like some people change clothes, having no stability, things of that nature. But a mildly ill and worsening heart, exacerbated by stresses, could easily fit in there.
The dentist was another matter. I do have some work to be done. My teeth are in excellent condition, in spite of years of abuse and using "chaw" since I was 12. Two visits will be needed to fix things up. It does give me incentive to quit "chewing", if that isn't the whole problem it will help. One real cavity and a good number of 'fixes', including repairing a chipped tooth. My teeth are a bit rough from decades of another form of chewing. I used to literally eat my teeth by grinding them. I have "learned" not to do so. My jaw has improved a great deal and my baby-looking teeth (from being chewed down) are no longer receding. But... they are pretty ragged.
It all seems depressing. Even with silver linings. Sometimes I see the dark clouds, sometimes I see the silver lining, usually I see both. Today, though, dark clouds are all I can get myself to focus upon. The world seems chill, cold, hard, mean. No worries, I will pick myself up like I always do. And I will even be grateful for this dark hard cruel day. It makes the normal and better days... more valuable by comparison. And, yes, even in my darkest days these days, I love life. I like being alive. I enjoy the company of others. So, no worries. While I can come down, I will rise all the better.
Later, or... maybe back to bed for a bit.
.
My doctor and dental appointments were a bit tough. They didn't like that I had quit my meds for three days. "You should have called"! "It really could have killed you"! "What were you thinking"! "Hold off, cease, desist!", says I. As for the fact that it could have killed me, if I hadn't stopped, I would have gone into unconsciousness and dropped the medicines, not for a day but for weeks or months, and missed appointments. I am strongly fragile, I seem to be able to deal with things I shouldn't be able to handle (dropping meds) and not handle what they say I should be able to handle (medicine). If they don't understand that, how can I? I am not a doctor, specialist, or anything. I'm just the end user of a really screwed up body. As for what I was thinking, that is the point. I couldn't think, not even to call.
I really am not crazy. Jaded, a bit, but not crazy. Ill, to be sure, but merely bodily. They don't know what is wrong, nor do I. They are treating a severe heart condition but don't even know what else is wrong with me. Depression? Then why do the heart meds make it worse and medicines supposed to treat it do nothing but add side effects? Yes, I realize my brain is affected by whatever illnesses exist, but not into insanity, more into simply not being able to think. As I said, it would be like camping in a truly cold environment where you can never quite get warm. At near hypothermic conditions, your ability to think simply becomes limited. That explains my condition on higher doses of medicine perfectly. And yet, no matter how often I explain this it is more akin to talking to a brick wall then getting through.
I was told, because of my bad behavior, that I will not be a candidate for a heart transplant should my heart not improve. I told them that I would not even consider a heart transplant. I was told, "Many people say that, but when faced with it they often choose to undergo the procedure". I laughed (a quick outburst), then told them, from the initial consultations, that I had thought I was already at that point and still rejected it. I won't become a Frankenstein freak for their medical experimentation. It is good to know that, since I can't "follow orders", I am not a candidate. Call it doubling down, so that they can't sneak it in on me should I be unconscious and they try to work it past my mother. To say they were angry at me would be to be generous. They didn't say anything bad, they simply didn't want to... deal with me. My next appointment is not until... late January. I guess if you aren't a 'favored son', being prepped for some grand medical experiment, to be useful in their teaching forum, you are a chump. So be it. I am on my own, and knew that from the beginning. I just didn't understand all the rules upfront. I am learning.
The other test, I am told, was not dealing with electrical current or such, but some sort of pressure testing at various points in my heart. As I had said, those numbers all came back very good. The notion that this was some sort of virus was again suggested as the very highly most likely source. I asked how long it takes a heart to get this bad. They had no answer, not even a ballpark. I would still suggest that this has been a very long term event, possibly even to childhood, if I have no proof. I go completely by the fact that I was having "energy" issues, even when young. That wall of exhaustion, limits at times that would come and go, sleep issues. They could be related to social problems, moving often, changing families like some people change clothes, having no stability, things of that nature. But a mildly ill and worsening heart, exacerbated by stresses, could easily fit in there.
The dentist was another matter. I do have some work to be done. My teeth are in excellent condition, in spite of years of abuse and using "chaw" since I was 12. Two visits will be needed to fix things up. It does give me incentive to quit "chewing", if that isn't the whole problem it will help. One real cavity and a good number of 'fixes', including repairing a chipped tooth. My teeth are a bit rough from decades of another form of chewing. I used to literally eat my teeth by grinding them. I have "learned" not to do so. My jaw has improved a great deal and my baby-looking teeth (from being chewed down) are no longer receding. But... they are pretty ragged.
It all seems depressing. Even with silver linings. Sometimes I see the dark clouds, sometimes I see the silver lining, usually I see both. Today, though, dark clouds are all I can get myself to focus upon. The world seems chill, cold, hard, mean. No worries, I will pick myself up like I always do. And I will even be grateful for this dark hard cruel day. It makes the normal and better days... more valuable by comparison. And, yes, even in my darkest days these days, I love life. I like being alive. I enjoy the company of others. So, no worries. While I can come down, I will rise all the better.
Later, or... maybe back to bed for a bit.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Yeah, well, some things are moving forward.
.
.
I almost forgot about the beans that I had set to soak. They are cooking. I also cooked rice but that is done. The wonderful thing about cooking is the cook gets to sample some of the freshly cooked fair. A half of a bowl of rice, with two or three pats of butter, along with two sheets of prsciutto shredded into the mix. After letting that marry a bit, I then added just enough milk to get the rice to cream. To my tastes, it was perfect. I will probably also have of bowl of bean soup when that is done, as well. I only cooked a pound of beans this time. I want to see if that will better serve my needs. Plus, the beans will fit in a smaller container, making storing it and getting it out of the refrigerator much easier. I still need to do a bit of shopping, meats are all I will need to finish the month.
It seems I have two appointments tomorrow. One early, dental later in the day. So, I have a lot of time to burn in SLC. I may try to figure out where a co-op type store is, I need some spices. If I am going to start monkeying with chiles, and other Mexican foods, I want to have very good cumin, oregano, and the hottest damned cayenne I can find. I haven't been able to find a spice hot enough for my tastes since I moved here. The cayenne, even from the Whole Foods (that closed) near the V.A., all they had was a reddish powder that might as well have been mild paprika. Bah! I need some hot stuff. The Mexican restaurant I like in Logan has food that is hot, but it isn't punch-you-on-the-nose hot. I do note that my nose runs when I eat there, and sometimes I bite into some spice, but generally it isn't quite up to my needs.
If need be I will simply look for dried habanero. That is a bit too much, more in the 300,000 range, but I can grind it and use it sparingly. The cayenne I used to love was a special sort, it ran to 170,000 on the scale. Which means it may not actually have been a true cayenne (ground from dried Guinea pepper). I need me some heat, boy, I say boy. I may also go in and check on my cwp. That should have arrived, but you know government workers. They probably sent it to the wrong address as a stall because the FBI is lagging (purposefully is my guess) on their part and yet the state is required to issue within 60 days, but the libtard guv workers hate that and do all kinds of shit to avoid doing their f*ing jobs. Not angry, at all, of course. No, not me. I may try to sleep, if I can get everything cooled and put up. Just a few hours, I don't really need much.
Oh, and I did notice that I do have unlimited data access on my phone. That is a benefit for having been an early subscriber. As such, the only thing I have to sweat is the battery life. I can deal with that. Eventually I would like to get a headphone for it, one that doesn't disturb people around me. When I was younger I didn't know/care. But people walking around with phones, mp3 or other players, either talking out loud or listening to something which is blaring, with or without headphones, has become an extreme pet peeve. So much so that I often simply turn my phone off, and definitely when I have an appointment, even when I am just in the waiting room. Sometimes I forget, but... I find it terribly embarrassing when my phone goes off in public. Anyway, since I have unlimited data, I will keep the phone. I got lucky though. I had kept meaning to go in and ask about data, and return it if it wasn't unlimited, but my health kept me from doing so. And then I noticed something. There is a data usage tab which indicates how much data was used and how much you have left. Mine says unlimited. Nice... Lucky, but I'll take it.
Good night.
.
I almost forgot about the beans that I had set to soak. They are cooking. I also cooked rice but that is done. The wonderful thing about cooking is the cook gets to sample some of the freshly cooked fair. A half of a bowl of rice, with two or three pats of butter, along with two sheets of prsciutto shredded into the mix. After letting that marry a bit, I then added just enough milk to get the rice to cream. To my tastes, it was perfect. I will probably also have of bowl of bean soup when that is done, as well. I only cooked a pound of beans this time. I want to see if that will better serve my needs. Plus, the beans will fit in a smaller container, making storing it and getting it out of the refrigerator much easier. I still need to do a bit of shopping, meats are all I will need to finish the month.
It seems I have two appointments tomorrow. One early, dental later in the day. So, I have a lot of time to burn in SLC. I may try to figure out where a co-op type store is, I need some spices. If I am going to start monkeying with chiles, and other Mexican foods, I want to have very good cumin, oregano, and the hottest damned cayenne I can find. I haven't been able to find a spice hot enough for my tastes since I moved here. The cayenne, even from the Whole Foods (that closed) near the V.A., all they had was a reddish powder that might as well have been mild paprika. Bah! I need some hot stuff. The Mexican restaurant I like in Logan has food that is hot, but it isn't punch-you-on-the-nose hot. I do note that my nose runs when I eat there, and sometimes I bite into some spice, but generally it isn't quite up to my needs.
If need be I will simply look for dried habanero. That is a bit too much, more in the 300,000 range, but I can grind it and use it sparingly. The cayenne I used to love was a special sort, it ran to 170,000 on the scale. Which means it may not actually have been a true cayenne (ground from dried Guinea pepper). I need me some heat, boy, I say boy. I may also go in and check on my cwp. That should have arrived, but you know government workers. They probably sent it to the wrong address as a stall because the FBI is lagging (purposefully is my guess) on their part and yet the state is required to issue within 60 days, but the libtard guv workers hate that and do all kinds of shit to avoid doing their f*ing jobs. Not angry, at all, of course. No, not me. I may try to sleep, if I can get everything cooled and put up. Just a few hours, I don't really need much.
Oh, and I did notice that I do have unlimited data access on my phone. That is a benefit for having been an early subscriber. As such, the only thing I have to sweat is the battery life. I can deal with that. Eventually I would like to get a headphone for it, one that doesn't disturb people around me. When I was younger I didn't know/care. But people walking around with phones, mp3 or other players, either talking out loud or listening to something which is blaring, with or without headphones, has become an extreme pet peeve. So much so that I often simply turn my phone off, and definitely when I have an appointment, even when I am just in the waiting room. Sometimes I forget, but... I find it terribly embarrassing when my phone goes off in public. Anyway, since I have unlimited data, I will keep the phone. I got lucky though. I had kept meaning to go in and ask about data, and return it if it wasn't unlimited, but my health kept me from doing so. And then I noticed something. There is a data usage tab which indicates how much data was used and how much you have left. Mine says unlimited. Nice... Lucky, but I'll take it.
Good night.
I have to laugh!
.
.
Many of the people worried about the economy today suggest that if we just go back to the 2007 federal budget that we will somehow be fine. I hear this even from some sectors of the left, but more often from the soft left (what passes for public conservatives). Now, fine, it would be an improvement. It would be an improvement like slowing your car to 40, from 90, while driving over a cliff. Doesn't anyone stop to think that part of the reason Zero won was because many people knew the US was going in the wrong direction and many people thought Zero would change some of the direction while the "Republican" offered the same thing making him useless? Instead of hitting the accelerator and locking the steering wheel down, but that wasn't what many thought he would do. Even I knew Bush failed, miserably, financially. Something about a bad choice and a worse choice, the socialist versus the hard socialist/communist in a world of simple choices with no real options, until McCain and no difference.
Slowing down isn't how it will work. We are past the point of being able to shift gears and maintain course. The nation has to change directions. Not a bit, not a slight turn, not even a major adjustment. We have to stop, get our bearings, but really then turn a 180. From Social Security to welfare of all sorts to saving companies too big and too little to "not save" on into cronyism for it's own separate sake. Further, we have to amend our tax code and make borrowing too dear so that people save instead of spending our lives away, becoming slaves to debt. Debt none of us should truly be able to get. Debt many will never be able to pay off.
It's not just government. But government has played a huge role in personal debt through it's actions, it's cronyism. The social fabric of the nation is unwinding, decaying. Much of it has to do with free money. It isn't just in the hood. That loan you just got for the motorcycle, boat, whatever? Yeah, not only did you probably not actually qualify for the loan, you got an interest rate you didn't deserve. It's free, slide your EBT, indeed. A civil race to the bottom, as much brought about by a falsified economy as a mandated egalitarianism that simply is as much a fraud as the financial capers.
While it is coming, I gotta tell you, I am not sure "it" is a bad thing, even though it really starts with "sh". Never mind. Just know that poor people can't afford, any longer, to be stupid people. My hope is that Americans prove to be exceptional, as I have always believed, and don't prove to be Greeks, or other Euros. We will see, with the national protests, what happens there. I expect bad things, top down, bottom up, as Jones has indicated. How it is handled will possibly decide the fate of the nation and I don't trust this admin. All you have to do is look at Greece, Egypt, and even Britain, to know how NOT to handle it. Then again, I think those nations are very much corrupted top to bottom and just shoving the middle into a noose, or they have pushed them over the edge at this point, as in Egypt.
"Just return to the 2007 budget!" Idiots.
.
Many of the people worried about the economy today suggest that if we just go back to the 2007 federal budget that we will somehow be fine. I hear this even from some sectors of the left, but more often from the soft left (what passes for public conservatives). Now, fine, it would be an improvement. It would be an improvement like slowing your car to 40, from 90, while driving over a cliff. Doesn't anyone stop to think that part of the reason Zero won was because many people knew the US was going in the wrong direction and many people thought Zero would change some of the direction while the "Republican" offered the same thing making him useless? Instead of hitting the accelerator and locking the steering wheel down, but that wasn't what many thought he would do. Even I knew Bush failed, miserably, financially. Something about a bad choice and a worse choice, the socialist versus the hard socialist/communist in a world of simple choices with no real options, until McCain and no difference.
Slowing down isn't how it will work. We are past the point of being able to shift gears and maintain course. The nation has to change directions. Not a bit, not a slight turn, not even a major adjustment. We have to stop, get our bearings, but really then turn a 180. From Social Security to welfare of all sorts to saving companies too big and too little to "not save" on into cronyism for it's own separate sake. Further, we have to amend our tax code and make borrowing too dear so that people save instead of spending our lives away, becoming slaves to debt. Debt none of us should truly be able to get. Debt many will never be able to pay off.
It's not just government. But government has played a huge role in personal debt through it's actions, it's cronyism. The social fabric of the nation is unwinding, decaying. Much of it has to do with free money. It isn't just in the hood. That loan you just got for the motorcycle, boat, whatever? Yeah, not only did you probably not actually qualify for the loan, you got an interest rate you didn't deserve. It's free, slide your EBT, indeed. A civil race to the bottom, as much brought about by a falsified economy as a mandated egalitarianism that simply is as much a fraud as the financial capers.
While it is coming, I gotta tell you, I am not sure "it" is a bad thing, even though it really starts with "sh". Never mind. Just know that poor people can't afford, any longer, to be stupid people. My hope is that Americans prove to be exceptional, as I have always believed, and don't prove to be Greeks, or other Euros. We will see, with the national protests, what happens there. I expect bad things, top down, bottom up, as Jones has indicated. How it is handled will possibly decide the fate of the nation and I don't trust this admin. All you have to do is look at Greece, Egypt, and even Britain, to know how NOT to handle it. Then again, I think those nations are very much corrupted top to bottom and just shoving the middle into a noose, or they have pushed them over the edge at this point, as in Egypt.
"Just return to the 2007 budget!" Idiots.
Working on my schedule.
.
.
I am trying to stay up later and later, working my way around to a day schedule. Given the deep freeze like stasis I just extracted myself from, and that I am not in the best condition even after putting medicine aside for a few days, I have some doubts about how well or easily this will happen. And, of course, I know the best I can do is get to a day schedule, only to lose it before long. I could be grumpy about it, but... why? Well, there are things I need to do, things that require a day schedule. And there is energy use.
I have been working on using less electricity. I have not and will not use the electric heating units this year. But more, I have been working on turning off lights and such. My lady friend used to unplug everything. I won't go that far. Every time she wanted to use the vcr or dvd, she had to use the remotes to set everything up. And while I was living there, she proved incapable of remembering how to do that on many occasions. While not exactly an IQ test, when you are very tired, it can be a trick. Then again, that means I am needing to use the furnace more than ever, and wearing clothes. I hate wearing clothes! Not quite a nudist, I like to run on bare minimums, keeping something handy should visitors happen to appear. It should be interesting to see what the difference is in cost and actual fuel versus electric usage on an energy basis. My bet is that the furnace is much cheaper. I am only adding a few degrees to what I used to run it at. Blathering.
While I am definitely feeling better I am no more able to get things done than before. I have merely, actually, risen to the level of normal dysfunctional ability. I simply can't get to things, especially things that might involve travel, or lots of talking, or layers of effort complicated by the involvement of others. Keeping up on my home is about it. Today I go back on medication. Ugh. I did do an half hour of Morse Code lessons though! At the end of it, all the beeps and bips were simply sounding the same! I did, officially, do well enough on the first lesson to move on. But the second lesson messed me up so I wanted to get the first lesson down better. A bit more work there, but it is moving along.
Later, I believe. Blogging is something I can do, remember to do, it's almost automatic now. Yes, later.
.
I am trying to stay up later and later, working my way around to a day schedule. Given the deep freeze like stasis I just extracted myself from, and that I am not in the best condition even after putting medicine aside for a few days, I have some doubts about how well or easily this will happen. And, of course, I know the best I can do is get to a day schedule, only to lose it before long. I could be grumpy about it, but... why? Well, there are things I need to do, things that require a day schedule. And there is energy use.
I have been working on using less electricity. I have not and will not use the electric heating units this year. But more, I have been working on turning off lights and such. My lady friend used to unplug everything. I won't go that far. Every time she wanted to use the vcr or dvd, she had to use the remotes to set everything up. And while I was living there, she proved incapable of remembering how to do that on many occasions. While not exactly an IQ test, when you are very tired, it can be a trick. Then again, that means I am needing to use the furnace more than ever, and wearing clothes. I hate wearing clothes! Not quite a nudist, I like to run on bare minimums, keeping something handy should visitors happen to appear. It should be interesting to see what the difference is in cost and actual fuel versus electric usage on an energy basis. My bet is that the furnace is much cheaper. I am only adding a few degrees to what I used to run it at. Blathering.
While I am definitely feeling better I am no more able to get things done than before. I have merely, actually, risen to the level of normal dysfunctional ability. I simply can't get to things, especially things that might involve travel, or lots of talking, or layers of effort complicated by the involvement of others. Keeping up on my home is about it. Today I go back on medication. Ugh. I did do an half hour of Morse Code lessons though! At the end of it, all the beeps and bips were simply sounding the same! I did, officially, do well enough on the first lesson to move on. But the second lesson messed me up so I wanted to get the first lesson down better. A bit more work there, but it is moving along.
Later, I believe. Blogging is something I can do, remember to do, it's almost automatic now. Yes, later.
I thought
.
.
wrong. Morse Code, I thought, would be easy enough to learn. Just practice, right? What could be so difficult. Well, no. It is proving to be quite a little trick. I did sign on to a link that has the tools for learning. And I have been working on it. It isn't tricky, or something you just figure out. I guess you just memorize. But applying it, while the computer dits and dahs at you at a terrible pace, even just two letters mixed, is quite a thing. I've only done it a few times, but feeling better, I might try and do a good half an hour a day. If my nerves can handle it! I am not even sure why I am trying to learn. I don't have a radio, or a way to practice save through the computer. And using a keyboard is a rather awkward way of practicing. I suppose it is just something to do. If you think you might be interested, again, here is the link to the place which offers free lessons for Morse Code.
I have tossed the beans, finished off the rice, and done the dishes. I will, before going to bed, set a pot of beans to soak and sweep the floor in preparation for mopping tomorrow. Well, I suppose I should change the cat litter first. Oh, it will get done. I received a call today, from the heart clinic. They asked why I wasn't there. Hmm. I had the appointment down as Wednesday, and I put that in when speaking with the doctors. The guy said to just come on in as I had it scheduled, and so I will. I did get a reminder but I didn't look at it since I knew it was already in my phone and I didn't see a cancellation or change of date notice. I will look a little closer from now on.
Ah, good night.
.
wrong. Morse Code, I thought, would be easy enough to learn. Just practice, right? What could be so difficult. Well, no. It is proving to be quite a little trick. I did sign on to a link that has the tools for learning. And I have been working on it. It isn't tricky, or something you just figure out. I guess you just memorize. But applying it, while the computer dits and dahs at you at a terrible pace, even just two letters mixed, is quite a thing. I've only done it a few times, but feeling better, I might try and do a good half an hour a day. If my nerves can handle it! I am not even sure why I am trying to learn. I don't have a radio, or a way to practice save through the computer. And using a keyboard is a rather awkward way of practicing. I suppose it is just something to do. If you think you might be interested, again, here is the link to the place which offers free lessons for Morse Code.
I have tossed the beans, finished off the rice, and done the dishes. I will, before going to bed, set a pot of beans to soak and sweep the floor in preparation for mopping tomorrow. Well, I suppose I should change the cat litter first. Oh, it will get done. I received a call today, from the heart clinic. They asked why I wasn't there. Hmm. I had the appointment down as Wednesday, and I put that in when speaking with the doctors. The guy said to just come on in as I had it scheduled, and so I will. I did get a reminder but I didn't look at it since I knew it was already in my phone and I didn't see a cancellation or change of date notice. I will look a little closer from now on.
Ah, good night.
Monday, October 17, 2011
An explanation.
.
.
Reviewing my posts, I realized I probably indicated something that might have been confusing, not to mention shocking. One of the playlist videos was Queer by Garbage. I thought the video itself would be clear, but I must remember most people have no notion of things sexual, to a degree, beyond hetero and homosexuality. To answer a possible question, no, I have never had sex with a man, or even an interest in such. And yet I have had very queer relationships, with women. Or, at least I have had women try to engage in such with me. No, that has nothing to do with anything pertaining to my end parts. What it has to do with is women who "like to be on top", among other things. And, actually, I didn't allow much in that way.
Women, who have let go of morality, chastity, and such, end up being far queerer than any two same sex couples could imagine. It was never my gig, but such women are easily available. While exploring the feminine world out there, I ran across all sorts of things. At least a third of my lovers were, or so they said, lesbians. But worse, some women have the absolute freakiest needs or wants really. I won't go into details, but from some of my explorations, I believe there is something to the notion of Lilith. I was simply looking for a solid normal woman, and really, they are very rare. And even they, if not chaste, even in marriage, can become monsters.
Some people have lead such normal lives that they have no idea how deep that pool is out there. Being a curious, and for whatever reason successful, lover, I found myself in some of the weirdest situations. Learning quickly that I was at the wrong place, I moved on. This was back when the concept of equality was something I actually thought could be real. It can't be, as I know things now. And the only way to have a mostly straight relationship with a woman is for the man to lead the dance. And, really, to marry before that.
No, I still have a... different view of sexuality than the typical man. I like drama queens, I enjoy fertile imaginings, I am bestial if not sinfully (think animal, organic) in my approach to sex. And, while I like women, I know they can't be let loose, not completely. Nor can my passions. Therein are some of the fires of hell. Let us say I have an interesting take on such, but that I have learned to temper things. It has taken decades, and two periods of celibacy of which I am currently in the last of those, to find some sanity there.
I find it funny that my docs suggested that someone in my condition might be killed by sex. They certainly are not talking about me. You will simply have to trust me. If I stop being able to have long, hard, wonderful sex... I will be dead. I am feral in this way. At 80% heart failure, I can still... work that system like a rabbit and for long sessions, if I do everything in my power to avoid doing so. Dancing with yourself, as Billy Idol might suggest, is a sin, and against my will, if too occasionally beyond my control. That should tell you something. Anyway, that might clear up any... questions. Just remember, exit only. It's not just a motto, sexually, it is all I have known or been interested, for my part.
Like speaking to children. So be it.
.
Reviewing my posts, I realized I probably indicated something that might have been confusing, not to mention shocking. One of the playlist videos was Queer by Garbage. I thought the video itself would be clear, but I must remember most people have no notion of things sexual, to a degree, beyond hetero and homosexuality. To answer a possible question, no, I have never had sex with a man, or even an interest in such. And yet I have had very queer relationships, with women. Or, at least I have had women try to engage in such with me. No, that has nothing to do with anything pertaining to my end parts. What it has to do with is women who "like to be on top", among other things. And, actually, I didn't allow much in that way.
Women, who have let go of morality, chastity, and such, end up being far queerer than any two same sex couples could imagine. It was never my gig, but such women are easily available. While exploring the feminine world out there, I ran across all sorts of things. At least a third of my lovers were, or so they said, lesbians. But worse, some women have the absolute freakiest needs or wants really. I won't go into details, but from some of my explorations, I believe there is something to the notion of Lilith. I was simply looking for a solid normal woman, and really, they are very rare. And even they, if not chaste, even in marriage, can become monsters.
Some people have lead such normal lives that they have no idea how deep that pool is out there. Being a curious, and for whatever reason successful, lover, I found myself in some of the weirdest situations. Learning quickly that I was at the wrong place, I moved on. This was back when the concept of equality was something I actually thought could be real. It can't be, as I know things now. And the only way to have a mostly straight relationship with a woman is for the man to lead the dance. And, really, to marry before that.
No, I still have a... different view of sexuality than the typical man. I like drama queens, I enjoy fertile imaginings, I am bestial if not sinfully (think animal, organic) in my approach to sex. And, while I like women, I know they can't be let loose, not completely. Nor can my passions. Therein are some of the fires of hell. Let us say I have an interesting take on such, but that I have learned to temper things. It has taken decades, and two periods of celibacy of which I am currently in the last of those, to find some sanity there.
I find it funny that my docs suggested that someone in my condition might be killed by sex. They certainly are not talking about me. You will simply have to trust me. If I stop being able to have long, hard, wonderful sex... I will be dead. I am feral in this way. At 80% heart failure, I can still... work that system like a rabbit and for long sessions, if I do everything in my power to avoid doing so. Dancing with yourself, as Billy Idol might suggest, is a sin, and against my will, if too occasionally beyond my control. That should tell you something. Anyway, that might clear up any... questions. Just remember, exit only. It's not just a motto, sexually, it is all I have known or been interested, for my part.
Like speaking to children. So be it.
Feeling better.
.
.
The slight vacation from medicine has been wonderful. Today is the last day, then I go back onto a cut dose tomorrow. It is not that I am doing all that much more, or truly more active, it is more that I feel more normal. The difference would be comparable to camping in a frozen landscape for a week, with warmth never being more than enough to simply sustain, then finding a place where real warmth can be found. My brain and body are much more functional, awake, conscious.
I hate going back on the medication but I think it the wiser choice. At least I now have this tool by which I can get some R&R before trudging back onto medication. As I said though, I will be cutting medication, and possibly doing it again, as I need. The doctors simply can't get what they want. If I end up living a few years less, so be it. I have no choice in the matter myself. To be honest, I think the medicines are working anyway. In February I am going to ask that they test my heart again. I'll put ten to one odds that it is better, possibly much better. We will see.
I still can't do much. Which is fine. So long as my mind is my own and my body does work for the little things I can get it to do. If I can only get to half of what I want, it is much better than not even being able to stay awake without my eyes hurting as if I hadn't slept, despite sleeping most of the time. Heck, I was sleeping right here in my chair, for much of the time.
Sweeping and mopping and the plate and few pieces of silverware in the sink will be washed tonight. Tomorrow I will probably dump what remains of the beans, which means I should set another pot of beans to soak in order to cook later or tomorrow. I probably will go with half of what I made last time. About a pound of dry beans is what I can eat before they go bad. I will check on the rice too. Those two make an excellent group of items to have around as adds or even a nice mix all by themselves. Component food works well.
Later.
.
The slight vacation from medicine has been wonderful. Today is the last day, then I go back onto a cut dose tomorrow. It is not that I am doing all that much more, or truly more active, it is more that I feel more normal. The difference would be comparable to camping in a frozen landscape for a week, with warmth never being more than enough to simply sustain, then finding a place where real warmth can be found. My brain and body are much more functional, awake, conscious.
I hate going back on the medication but I think it the wiser choice. At least I now have this tool by which I can get some R&R before trudging back onto medication. As I said though, I will be cutting medication, and possibly doing it again, as I need. The doctors simply can't get what they want. If I end up living a few years less, so be it. I have no choice in the matter myself. To be honest, I think the medicines are working anyway. In February I am going to ask that they test my heart again. I'll put ten to one odds that it is better, possibly much better. We will see.
I still can't do much. Which is fine. So long as my mind is my own and my body does work for the little things I can get it to do. If I can only get to half of what I want, it is much better than not even being able to stay awake without my eyes hurting as if I hadn't slept, despite sleeping most of the time. Heck, I was sleeping right here in my chair, for much of the time.
Sweeping and mopping and the plate and few pieces of silverware in the sink will be washed tonight. Tomorrow I will probably dump what remains of the beans, which means I should set another pot of beans to soak in order to cook later or tomorrow. I probably will go with half of what I made last time. About a pound of dry beans is what I can eat before they go bad. I will check on the rice too. Those two make an excellent group of items to have around as adds or even a nice mix all by themselves. Component food works well.
Later.
I know.
.
.
My stories seem crazy. Running into another married woman and seeing the past flash before my eyes, the potential, the insanity of my old life. It was a different life. Things people not only don't do, but don't consider, was simply how things happened back when. It is not that I didn't consider morality, I was simply amoral. I didn't know, in some ways. Sure, I knew the words. I had never seen them in practice. Perhaps it was just bad luck, perhaps because my eyes were opened to sin at a very young age which allowed me to see things adults thought they kept hidden, perhaps it was the age in which I was raised.
I do not shed tears for those days any more than I shed tears for fighting. I do, however, bear scars. I can't say I bear shame. I did my best to keep real 'good girls' out of my path. I was jaded by the time I was 13, and fairly experienced. And there were plenty of girls and women available by then. It's almost like we had a secret set of nods and looks so we communicated right over and around the normal virgin world. We knew who knew, who was available, and that it was mostly just for kicks. Though if I could steal the heart of a heartless strumpet, I would. More fame, more glory, more prospects. Pat Benatar's "Hit Me With Your Best Shot" was their opening line, and, well, I did. Women almost always lose in a free-for-all, but they knew it going in.
It all comes back with one encounter. I don't remember all of the names or faces, and certainly not all of the affairs. It was such a cruel world. And for all the women I held, there was so little real love. Looking back on it, it was a cold place, a empty time. If I regret something more than anything else, it is that it took so long to see that. Further, I suppose, to realize that as the male, the leader, I might have lead one of those women to a right life. A good man can do that. But I was weak. Little did they know, but I feared my own shadow, regarding them. I couldn't deal with love. Sex, sure. But dealing with a full grown woman, in love, for life, and all? Children? I had no clue. I still have no clue, truth be told. What I have is faith, and a path. They aren't just hot bodies anymore. They are daughters of man, children of God.
I can't believe how easy, though, it would be for me to revert to those dark paths. I am so damned hungry, it has been so long. I could smell her, the earthy nature of her womanhood, her hunger, the way animals do. I can see right through anything she says, or wears should I lower my shields. She was hungry too, very. I've been there, seemingly, a thousand times. Perhaps at least that many times if I didn't always have the opportunity to develop what I saw.
Anyway, I'll keep things kosher and... try to get in to Church. It is there that I hope to do right, to find, then marry, a truly good woman. There is some *cough* room for her having some history. *cough* I have no doubt that I could land the right woman. I just have to meet several, and... let nature take over, within the limits of God's prescriptions. It isn't up to the woman, she isn't even involved in the decision, to a greater degree. Believe what you will, the man has to make, and make right, the relationship. Women follow, men lead. Anything else is a lie that will lead to exactly where I was before. I can lead, but can I lead as God would have me, as a shepherd and not a wolf? To heck but this is has me in a snit.
.
My stories seem crazy. Running into another married woman and seeing the past flash before my eyes, the potential, the insanity of my old life. It was a different life. Things people not only don't do, but don't consider, was simply how things happened back when. It is not that I didn't consider morality, I was simply amoral. I didn't know, in some ways. Sure, I knew the words. I had never seen them in practice. Perhaps it was just bad luck, perhaps because my eyes were opened to sin at a very young age which allowed me to see things adults thought they kept hidden, perhaps it was the age in which I was raised.
I do not shed tears for those days any more than I shed tears for fighting. I do, however, bear scars. I can't say I bear shame. I did my best to keep real 'good girls' out of my path. I was jaded by the time I was 13, and fairly experienced. And there were plenty of girls and women available by then. It's almost like we had a secret set of nods and looks so we communicated right over and around the normal virgin world. We knew who knew, who was available, and that it was mostly just for kicks. Though if I could steal the heart of a heartless strumpet, I would. More fame, more glory, more prospects. Pat Benatar's "Hit Me With Your Best Shot" was their opening line, and, well, I did. Women almost always lose in a free-for-all, but they knew it going in.
It all comes back with one encounter. I don't remember all of the names or faces, and certainly not all of the affairs. It was such a cruel world. And for all the women I held, there was so little real love. Looking back on it, it was a cold place, a empty time. If I regret something more than anything else, it is that it took so long to see that. Further, I suppose, to realize that as the male, the leader, I might have lead one of those women to a right life. A good man can do that. But I was weak. Little did they know, but I feared my own shadow, regarding them. I couldn't deal with love. Sex, sure. But dealing with a full grown woman, in love, for life, and all? Children? I had no clue. I still have no clue, truth be told. What I have is faith, and a path. They aren't just hot bodies anymore. They are daughters of man, children of God.
I can't believe how easy, though, it would be for me to revert to those dark paths. I am so damned hungry, it has been so long. I could smell her, the earthy nature of her womanhood, her hunger, the way animals do. I can see right through anything she says, or wears should I lower my shields. She was hungry too, very. I've been there, seemingly, a thousand times. Perhaps at least that many times if I didn't always have the opportunity to develop what I saw.
Anyway, I'll keep things kosher and... try to get in to Church. It is there that I hope to do right, to find, then marry, a truly good woman. There is some *cough* room for her having some history. *cough* I have no doubt that I could land the right woman. I just have to meet several, and... let nature take over, within the limits of God's prescriptions. It isn't up to the woman, she isn't even involved in the decision, to a greater degree. Believe what you will, the man has to make, and make right, the relationship. Women follow, men lead. Anything else is a lie that will lead to exactly where I was before. I can lead, but can I lead as God would have me, as a shepherd and not a wolf? To heck but this is has me in a snit.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Hmm.
.
.
I was too tired when in town to do shopping. Since my friend wasn't doing well, I couldn't just use his need to go to the store to counter my exhaustion and go anyway. But... something has changed. Let us just say a window has opened. And though I would rather not go, with my needs and an open window, I will go. Wow, I typed that in about 3 seconds. Yeah, something is rising. Unshackled of the medicine, I... Yes indeed.
Later.
.
I was too tired when in town to do shopping. Since my friend wasn't doing well, I couldn't just use his need to go to the store to counter my exhaustion and go anyway. But... something has changed. Let us just say a window has opened. And though I would rather not go, with my needs and an open window, I will go. Wow, I typed that in about 3 seconds. Yeah, something is rising. Unshackled of the medicine, I... Yes indeed.
Later.
Still listless.
.
.
I did get a shower, loaded up one of the rifles and some of ammunition, and headed into town. Way late, leaving an hour after I had suggested even after giving myself a couple of hours leeway. Two days without medication is what it took to even get me out of my home. Perhaps another day medicine free is what it will take. I will go back on a cut dose though, after that. I know I have an appointment coming up, regarding this stuff, but so be it. I will just have to explain why I did what I did and see what we can do. I know I can't go up on medication, the question at this point is how far I need to go down on it.
My friend was feeling quite ill, so decided against shooting or shopping. And rather than a long visit, the stop was rather short. But this means he probably knows exactly how I have felt for the last week. Unable to wake early, wake well when I did wake, or do more than shuffle from bed to computer desk, occasionally eating and drinking, and taking medication. That was all I was capable of doing and it was pushing things even so.
What is so odd is that I don't look sick at all. You would not know, by talking to me for an hour, that I am completely snow blind. I stopped to pick up some tobacco. I can't quite afford to quit, quite yet. I need a month or two to get my finances back in line. When $26 allows me to feed the habit for a month while quitting would cost more than that per week for about six to eight weeks, I have to stick with the habit.
Again though, while purchasing my habit stuffs, I ran into my typical problems. Married women, that is, and quite interested and interesting. There are three or four of them, in town, who if I needed a lover all I would have to do is arrange the thing. I make virgins squeal and turn into little girls, which makes them ever so annoying. My guess is that married women have learned to deal with this... with me and their natural reactions, so that they can handle keeping some of their cool (not all married women or virgins, just the ones who do find interest in me). Trying to be a good boy is sometimes so damned hard. I'll... keep trying to do right. Sometimes I honestly wonder if even God wants to see me get laid. Either that or He is allowing me to be tempted so far beyond fair play that... Never mind. And, no, I don't relieve believe that God would really lead me into sin. You know how we rationalize our sins of flesh, and of thought. Bah!
Half dead and women still sway my motives. At least there is that. Oh, well, and... I still sway theirs. heh And I got a free cigar out of the deal. No, no, some cigars are just that. Mostly. Inside joke beyond the one you know, and I'm not sharing it. Just... chuckling. I will give you a tip though, no pun intended, and here it is. Women! I suppose I could have advocates explain the various notions.
Women seem to offer this:
No thanks. Bleh. A philistine I might be, but in some things so be it!
How about a little of this? In the secular realm, mind you. Back in the day.
I don't negotiate. I don't need to.
And how I answered their questions. wants. needs. before even that that.
There is a chance I've... been attracted to and attracted some of the damnedest women born though, too.
It's all changed though.
Later or good night.
.
I did get a shower, loaded up one of the rifles and some of ammunition, and headed into town. Way late, leaving an hour after I had suggested even after giving myself a couple of hours leeway. Two days without medication is what it took to even get me out of my home. Perhaps another day medicine free is what it will take. I will go back on a cut dose though, after that. I know I have an appointment coming up, regarding this stuff, but so be it. I will just have to explain why I did what I did and see what we can do. I know I can't go up on medication, the question at this point is how far I need to go down on it.
My friend was feeling quite ill, so decided against shooting or shopping. And rather than a long visit, the stop was rather short. But this means he probably knows exactly how I have felt for the last week. Unable to wake early, wake well when I did wake, or do more than shuffle from bed to computer desk, occasionally eating and drinking, and taking medication. That was all I was capable of doing and it was pushing things even so.
What is so odd is that I don't look sick at all. You would not know, by talking to me for an hour, that I am completely snow blind. I stopped to pick up some tobacco. I can't quite afford to quit, quite yet. I need a month or two to get my finances back in line. When $26 allows me to feed the habit for a month while quitting would cost more than that per week for about six to eight weeks, I have to stick with the habit.
Again though, while purchasing my habit stuffs, I ran into my typical problems. Married women, that is, and quite interested and interesting. There are three or four of them, in town, who if I needed a lover all I would have to do is arrange the thing. I make virgins squeal and turn into little girls, which makes them ever so annoying. My guess is that married women have learned to deal with this... with me and their natural reactions, so that they can handle keeping some of their cool (not all married women or virgins, just the ones who do find interest in me). Trying to be a good boy is sometimes so damned hard. I'll... keep trying to do right. Sometimes I honestly wonder if even God wants to see me get laid. Either that or He is allowing me to be tempted so far beyond fair play that... Never mind. And, no, I don't relieve believe that God would really lead me into sin. You know how we rationalize our sins of flesh, and of thought. Bah!
Half dead and women still sway my motives. At least there is that. Oh, well, and... I still sway theirs. heh And I got a free cigar out of the deal. No, no, some cigars are just that. Mostly. Inside joke beyond the one you know, and I'm not sharing it. Just... chuckling. I will give you a tip though, no pun intended, and here it is. Women! I suppose I could have advocates explain the various notions.
Women seem to offer this:
No thanks. Bleh. A philistine I might be, but in some things so be it!
How about a little of this? In the secular realm, mind you. Back in the day.
I don't negotiate. I don't need to.
And how I answered their questions. wants. needs. before even that that.
There is a chance I've... been attracted to and attracted some of the damnedest women born though, too.
It's all changed though.
Later or good night.
No, even a bit more.
.
.
I am cutting all medicine for two days. I skipped today and I will skip tomorrow. After doing that accidentally when my mother was here, and getting a week of moderate function from it, I think every week or every other week I will skip medicine for two days. I am still going to cut the dose on carvedilol. Simply put, since I went back to full dose, and taking a bit of time off after my mother returned home, I have been locked into the worst sort of exhaustion. That simply won't do.
The bed ended up being less of a problem than I thought. While I, of course, have not done the laundry, my bed is still made. I have other sheets and blankets. Further, though I did spray Lysol spray, twice, and let that dry, the truth is with as thick and many layers as I put on my bed, nothing got down through the bedding. I am keeping dishes up and the place sorted. It is much nicer to live in an orderly home.
Hopefully, with a brief reprieve from the medication, I will be able to sort some things out. Those tasks I had for last week, if touched on a bit, were not completed. Perhaps this week. I have to keep trying. I haven't been this deeply in exhaustion for a very long time. At least I was able to stay aware this time, and am still working some things out. Aware enough to cut off, then cut back medication.
If I can get in to town tomorrow I will stop by and see my friend. Taking him a rifle and some ammo, and taking him shooting and shopping if he wants. A few packages of meat will see me through the rest of the month. The rice and beans are about at the end of their functional life, and I was not able to freeze any of the beans, so perhaps a new bunch of those will be cooked. The nice thing is that the meats I will be buying will cook easily on my grill, so I will only have to mess with the beans and rice. More milk, too, and perhaps some apples. I have been eating well enough, small meals, bits of this and that, all good. That does help. When I become unable to eat, drink, or even medicate, life can spin out for a good bit.
Blathering, again. But that is as good as it gets at the moment. Lets see if a little medicine vacation helps. Good night.
.
I am cutting all medicine for two days. I skipped today and I will skip tomorrow. After doing that accidentally when my mother was here, and getting a week of moderate function from it, I think every week or every other week I will skip medicine for two days. I am still going to cut the dose on carvedilol. Simply put, since I went back to full dose, and taking a bit of time off after my mother returned home, I have been locked into the worst sort of exhaustion. That simply won't do.
The bed ended up being less of a problem than I thought. While I, of course, have not done the laundry, my bed is still made. I have other sheets and blankets. Further, though I did spray Lysol spray, twice, and let that dry, the truth is with as thick and many layers as I put on my bed, nothing got down through the bedding. I am keeping dishes up and the place sorted. It is much nicer to live in an orderly home.
Hopefully, with a brief reprieve from the medication, I will be able to sort some things out. Those tasks I had for last week, if touched on a bit, were not completed. Perhaps this week. I have to keep trying. I haven't been this deeply in exhaustion for a very long time. At least I was able to stay aware this time, and am still working some things out. Aware enough to cut off, then cut back medication.
If I can get in to town tomorrow I will stop by and see my friend. Taking him a rifle and some ammo, and taking him shooting and shopping if he wants. A few packages of meat will see me through the rest of the month. The rice and beans are about at the end of their functional life, and I was not able to freeze any of the beans, so perhaps a new bunch of those will be cooked. The nice thing is that the meats I will be buying will cook easily on my grill, so I will only have to mess with the beans and rice. More milk, too, and perhaps some apples. I have been eating well enough, small meals, bits of this and that, all good. That does help. When I become unable to eat, drink, or even medicate, life can spin out for a good bit.
Blathering, again. But that is as good as it gets at the moment. Lets see if a little medicine vacation helps. Good night.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Cutting back.
.
.
I have no choice. My medicine is simply too strong at this point. It has taken over my life. I find myself unable to keep on target, to wake up well, stay functionally awake for long, do what I want/need to do, or even do eat/drink properly. At least I didn't tip over the line that leaves me unable to remember or think ahead. But I am on the fence with that. The problem is the main drug carvedilol, of which I am taking 25mg twice a day. I will be cutting it back to 25mg (at night) plus 1/2-25mg (in the morning). If that doesn't allow enough function I will need to cut to 2 x 1/2 of 25mg per day. The rest can stay as it is, or be amended by the docs. But this one just absolutely wipes me out. It is the single pill they want to increase, of course. They want it up to 50 mg, twice a day, at least, from what they are telling me. That will never happen without some sort of help. Simply put I would continually lose track of my medication (and the whole world, as well) and end up falling off it. I've tried this thing before, if on other meds. I know where that road leads.
I am not sure what the problem was yesterday. All I know is I was hungry and thirsty beyond reason. I ended up gaining two pounds, mostly from not being able to seemingly get enough fluid. I was tired and thirsty beyond reason. I am again today. No matter how much or what I drink, the felt need to drink more remains. I wasn't able to concentrate yesterday, so I didn't realize the way of it until about bedtime. Today, now that I know something is wrong, I am going to try and rein in consumption. Being extremely exhausted, again, today, it will be a difficult task.
Sam, while I was sleeping, decided that vomiting beside me was a good idea. Usually, when she begins gagging, I wake and toss her outside. I simply didn't hear it, so all of my bedding is in the wash room and needs to be cleaned and dried by this evening. She is henceforth banned from my room until I get my exhaustion under control, at least. That's just too gross.
I sure feel like another nap. And more WATER! Ugh.
Later.
.
I have no choice. My medicine is simply too strong at this point. It has taken over my life. I find myself unable to keep on target, to wake up well, stay functionally awake for long, do what I want/need to do, or even do eat/drink properly. At least I didn't tip over the line that leaves me unable to remember or think ahead. But I am on the fence with that. The problem is the main drug carvedilol, of which I am taking 25mg twice a day. I will be cutting it back to 25mg (at night) plus 1/2-25mg (in the morning). If that doesn't allow enough function I will need to cut to 2 x 1/2 of 25mg per day. The rest can stay as it is, or be amended by the docs. But this one just absolutely wipes me out. It is the single pill they want to increase, of course. They want it up to 50 mg, twice a day, at least, from what they are telling me. That will never happen without some sort of help. Simply put I would continually lose track of my medication (and the whole world, as well) and end up falling off it. I've tried this thing before, if on other meds. I know where that road leads.
I am not sure what the problem was yesterday. All I know is I was hungry and thirsty beyond reason. I ended up gaining two pounds, mostly from not being able to seemingly get enough fluid. I was tired and thirsty beyond reason. I am again today. No matter how much or what I drink, the felt need to drink more remains. I wasn't able to concentrate yesterday, so I didn't realize the way of it until about bedtime. Today, now that I know something is wrong, I am going to try and rein in consumption. Being extremely exhausted, again, today, it will be a difficult task.
Sam, while I was sleeping, decided that vomiting beside me was a good idea. Usually, when she begins gagging, I wake and toss her outside. I simply didn't hear it, so all of my bedding is in the wash room and needs to be cleaned and dried by this evening. She is henceforth banned from my room until I get my exhaustion under control, at least. That's just too gross.
I sure feel like another nap. And more WATER! Ugh.
Later.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Odd how things are turning out.
.
.
As I was about to go crash again the phone rang. A friend of mine from school, one I visited a few years ago and had called recently to check one of my mothers. It had been about a week since I called and left a message so I was thinking he had blown it off. Sometimes, when all news is bad, some people choose not to pass on the news. Well, that, and people are busy these days. Even when we mean to do something, if it isn't vital to us, and it is an onerous task, and we have ten thousand other things going on, things get lost in the shuffle. As it turns out, he is more like me than not. He simply hadn't checked his voice messages this week until today. Good answer!
We ended up having a very long conversation, and a good one. He was one of the "gifted" in our school and one of my best friends. I 'should' have been gifted, but between fighting, being new, having powerful conservative/libertarian notions (against academic notions then as now), and being more imaginative than substantive (to a degree) in my intellectual nature, I was not found as acceptable to the powers that be. At least the group knew me for what I was and accepted me without even a thought about what the powers that be considered. Just some background.
I did note that, since my visit, he has started to attend church regularly. He still has his doubts, but he finds it pleasing and calming to attend services. I would like to think that my visit planted that seed, but I will never probably know for sure. When I visited a few years ago, as I always do, part of the conversations included bits about God, and my story. While not a great Christian, I am a true one, to the point I try to have God as the arbiter of my actions and Lord of my life. Failing often, I know what I must do to get back on track, and to the best of my abilities I do that. I do suspect, in this case, that my story affected my friend. He had quit attending church when he was in college. Being my age, that means that until my visit, he had been to church only for marriages and other social invitations only for several decades, in spite of his mother being a regular adherent. I suppose I hope I planted that seed, it would mean a great deal to me, a man who is otherwise useless to the world, and even to religion, other than just deciding to live (off others) and right through things that others have decided are not worth living through (after some early... tribulations regarding that last).
He doesn't live all that far away. A long days drive or a quick flight, actually, would have him here easily. He has been through this area, and it was striking enough for him to have remembered it. I have invited him here, with mother, or girlfriend, or on his own. I have offered to provide tours, and thanks to my local friend, I do know of some places to go. I do believe, before long, he may find his way here. Whatever else, he seems to like our conversations. He has some odd respect for me. He has seen me in fights, albeit when I was a kid, he has dealt with me as a friend and intellectual peer, and we even used to be players in a D&D troupe together (a damn fine one, too).
We discussed many things. I told him about getting into a home, and some of the neat attributes, like how the stone moderates inside temps. He does gardening, and was picking the last of the green peppers and some berries from his back yard. So I asked him a bit about those things. We both seem to have oddities with women, so I suggested I would find some Game theory links, if he has time to look them over. He has been nearly hooked four times in the last decade or so, and married once before that. He was talking about one that he really liked, one that got away. He was saying he was being a great provider and this and that, and, yeah, I knew. Delta city. I suggested my problems with women are similar, if from the other direction. In any case, I hope he finds a woman, and to that end, I will be sending him Game links. I will offer some notions too, that some of the links are more for understanding, since he isn't into being a PUA either. But it is good to know some things in those realms, much like knowing calculus helps with engineering. If you can engineer a goodly bit without it, you can engineer more and faster in some fields (most, all?) with calculus. Same with women and game.
There is much to discuss. And I think, through time, more will be said. The conversation was much like reliving a part of my life I had thought gone save for memory. It was a good life, then. And I think for both of us, as bachelors, that life is a bit harder. We both see the wisdom of marriage, but for our own disparate reasons have not found ourselves to that place. It is nice to have a real link with another in my shoes, one I have known, vetted, and found acceptable. I think he sees the same.
A good night. Yes indeed. My world of wake and sleep and such might be going down in flames, but real links to real people helps. The internet has been good for me in making real friends, having real conversations, and for frolicking in divine notions, fantastic concepts, sharing stories both real and... questionable, doing academic based work as I am able, and such. But with so much personal history lost, having a human link from my past is a luxury I have never had, but will surely enjoy. My brother, when that works out, would be another good link. Finding out that others liked me, respected me, especially contrasted with my own personal reflections about myself, is a super thing.
Oh, I am still going to go to bed. But my rest should be better. Life is quite good.
Oh, he is planning an "End of the World" party, the date the Inca calendar ends, to which I have officially been invited. I told him, indirectly, that I will be bringing a very good old friend too. Johnny Walker, of the blue varietal. Nothing says "Good night, dear friends, this is the end.", like a bottle of said hooch.
.
As I was about to go crash again the phone rang. A friend of mine from school, one I visited a few years ago and had called recently to check one of my mothers. It had been about a week since I called and left a message so I was thinking he had blown it off. Sometimes, when all news is bad, some people choose not to pass on the news. Well, that, and people are busy these days. Even when we mean to do something, if it isn't vital to us, and it is an onerous task, and we have ten thousand other things going on, things get lost in the shuffle. As it turns out, he is more like me than not. He simply hadn't checked his voice messages this week until today. Good answer!
We ended up having a very long conversation, and a good one. He was one of the "gifted" in our school and one of my best friends. I 'should' have been gifted, but between fighting, being new, having powerful conservative/libertarian notions (against academic notions then as now), and being more imaginative than substantive (to a degree) in my intellectual nature, I was not found as acceptable to the powers that be. At least the group knew me for what I was and accepted me without even a thought about what the powers that be considered. Just some background.
I did note that, since my visit, he has started to attend church regularly. He still has his doubts, but he finds it pleasing and calming to attend services. I would like to think that my visit planted that seed, but I will never probably know for sure. When I visited a few years ago, as I always do, part of the conversations included bits about God, and my story. While not a great Christian, I am a true one, to the point I try to have God as the arbiter of my actions and Lord of my life. Failing often, I know what I must do to get back on track, and to the best of my abilities I do that. I do suspect, in this case, that my story affected my friend. He had quit attending church when he was in college. Being my age, that means that until my visit, he had been to church only for marriages and other social invitations only for several decades, in spite of his mother being a regular adherent. I suppose I hope I planted that seed, it would mean a great deal to me, a man who is otherwise useless to the world, and even to religion, other than just deciding to live (off others) and right through things that others have decided are not worth living through (after some early... tribulations regarding that last).
He doesn't live all that far away. A long days drive or a quick flight, actually, would have him here easily. He has been through this area, and it was striking enough for him to have remembered it. I have invited him here, with mother, or girlfriend, or on his own. I have offered to provide tours, and thanks to my local friend, I do know of some places to go. I do believe, before long, he may find his way here. Whatever else, he seems to like our conversations. He has some odd respect for me. He has seen me in fights, albeit when I was a kid, he has dealt with me as a friend and intellectual peer, and we even used to be players in a D&D troupe together (a damn fine one, too).
We discussed many things. I told him about getting into a home, and some of the neat attributes, like how the stone moderates inside temps. He does gardening, and was picking the last of the green peppers and some berries from his back yard. So I asked him a bit about those things. We both seem to have oddities with women, so I suggested I would find some Game theory links, if he has time to look them over. He has been nearly hooked four times in the last decade or so, and married once before that. He was talking about one that he really liked, one that got away. He was saying he was being a great provider and this and that, and, yeah, I knew. Delta city. I suggested my problems with women are similar, if from the other direction. In any case, I hope he finds a woman, and to that end, I will be sending him Game links. I will offer some notions too, that some of the links are more for understanding, since he isn't into being a PUA either. But it is good to know some things in those realms, much like knowing calculus helps with engineering. If you can engineer a goodly bit without it, you can engineer more and faster in some fields (most, all?) with calculus. Same with women and game.
There is much to discuss. And I think, through time, more will be said. The conversation was much like reliving a part of my life I had thought gone save for memory. It was a good life, then. And I think for both of us, as bachelors, that life is a bit harder. We both see the wisdom of marriage, but for our own disparate reasons have not found ourselves to that place. It is nice to have a real link with another in my shoes, one I have known, vetted, and found acceptable. I think he sees the same.
A good night. Yes indeed. My world of wake and sleep and such might be going down in flames, but real links to real people helps. The internet has been good for me in making real friends, having real conversations, and for frolicking in divine notions, fantastic concepts, sharing stories both real and... questionable, doing academic based work as I am able, and such. But with so much personal history lost, having a human link from my past is a luxury I have never had, but will surely enjoy. My brother, when that works out, would be another good link. Finding out that others liked me, respected me, especially contrasted with my own personal reflections about myself, is a super thing.
Oh, I am still going to go to bed. But my rest should be better. Life is quite good.
Oh, he is planning an "End of the World" party, the date the Inca calendar ends, to which I have officially been invited. I told him, indirectly, that I will be bringing a very good old friend too. Johnny Walker, of the blue varietal. Nothing says "Good night, dear friends, this is the end.", like a bottle of said hooch.
Yeah? No.
.
.
Back to bed I went. Sleep wasn't an option, it happened so fast there was no thinking or wondering involved. I reset the alarm for 11:00 before sleeping. Waking at 15:00 or so, I don't remember... anything. The alarm had been shut off but how, or when, I simply don't know. In the state I find myself, alarm clocks are less than useless. On top of not waking me up, they probably disturb my sleep, sleep I must need. Wow, though. I am sleeping like a rock. I still feel the need for more sleep. I am all but certain that it is the medication at this point. There is no way, without help or hospitalization, that I could do what they want and double the main pill. I am barely living, just scraping by with some consciousness, as is. Anything more and my screen goes black.
Yeah, more sleep I think. In spite of all the sleep I have had, being awake for a few hours, having a nice snack/meal, trying to read blogs and news and make some sense of things, and I am needing sleep again. Hmm, a huge glass of something first, though. Thirsty, tired, and who knows what else. *BAM*
Later.
.
Back to bed I went. Sleep wasn't an option, it happened so fast there was no thinking or wondering involved. I reset the alarm for 11:00 before sleeping. Waking at 15:00 or so, I don't remember... anything. The alarm had been shut off but how, or when, I simply don't know. In the state I find myself, alarm clocks are less than useless. On top of not waking me up, they probably disturb my sleep, sleep I must need. Wow, though. I am sleeping like a rock. I still feel the need for more sleep. I am all but certain that it is the medication at this point. There is no way, without help or hospitalization, that I could do what they want and double the main pill. I am barely living, just scraping by with some consciousness, as is. Anything more and my screen goes black.
Yeah, more sleep I think. In spite of all the sleep I have had, being awake for a few hours, having a nice snack/meal, trying to read blogs and news and make some sense of things, and I am needing sleep again. Hmm, a huge glass of something first, though. Thirsty, tired, and who knows what else. *BAM*
Later.
Hmm.
.
.
I did sleep. I went to bed at about midnight and slept until about 3:30, all give or take. I simply woke and could not get back to sleep. Medicine has been taken, all save potassium. I may try to crawl back to bed for a bit. My goal is to be awake by 10:00, then to call several people and check on some paperwork. After that, I would like to shower and ship off to town. My friend is probably going a bit stir crazy by now. I need to get him out of his apartment, maybe take him shooting, probably do a bit more shopping as I need several packs of meats to finish the month and he just likes to look around, and then buy aspirin and shoe polish. I have given up on finding my shoepolish kit. I had everything from suede tools and cleaner, several brown and black waxes, water-proofing for leather (the good stuff), a brush or two, several old socks, the works. All gone. I have looked everywhere.
The cats have gotten an early meal, and let out for a bit, several times. They love going out, just for short spells. As the weather turns cooler, they are great supplemental heat sources. Why they cuddle in high heat of summer and in cooler weather though, I can't figure out. They have an odd heating system, I do know that. They make great living stoles save that they don't want to stay put or go where I want the heat, necessarily. Sam loves the back of my legs, Sassy either snuggles under the covers or roams my home, too young to sleep as long and well as Sam, or even me.
Good night, again. Hope to see you in a bit. Well, might make it an 11:00 rise now, then. Later.
.
I did sleep. I went to bed at about midnight and slept until about 3:30, all give or take. I simply woke and could not get back to sleep. Medicine has been taken, all save potassium. I may try to crawl back to bed for a bit. My goal is to be awake by 10:00, then to call several people and check on some paperwork. After that, I would like to shower and ship off to town. My friend is probably going a bit stir crazy by now. I need to get him out of his apartment, maybe take him shooting, probably do a bit more shopping as I need several packs of meats to finish the month and he just likes to look around, and then buy aspirin and shoe polish. I have given up on finding my shoepolish kit. I had everything from suede tools and cleaner, several brown and black waxes, water-proofing for leather (the good stuff), a brush or two, several old socks, the works. All gone. I have looked everywhere.
The cats have gotten an early meal, and let out for a bit, several times. They love going out, just for short spells. As the weather turns cooler, they are great supplemental heat sources. Why they cuddle in high heat of summer and in cooler weather though, I can't figure out. They have an odd heating system, I do know that. They make great living stoles save that they don't want to stay put or go where I want the heat, necessarily. Sam loves the back of my legs, Sassy either snuggles under the covers or roams my home, too young to sleep as long and well as Sam, or even me.
Good night, again. Hope to see you in a bit. Well, might make it an 11:00 rise now, then. Later.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
That might have been spot on.
.
.
With, say, four doses of magnesium under my belt and two doses of the B complex, voiding is picking up again. When I started the magnesium it started a bit more, now I am always seeming able to go. As well, bm's have begun again. It seems my body had pretty much simply started to shut down on these functions. Just since this morning I have lost another pound, in spite of having eaten two smaller meals and drank... a gallon or more. It's a weird thing. I wonder if doctors know about these things and check them or if they just assume we are supposed to know. Yes, nutrition might be a bit out of their purview, but then, why? It is very much a part of the bio-chemical aspect of the disease and medicinal treatments. Never mind, I seem to have lucked into a blogger who has the dope on the dope needed.
I have now lost 10 pounds in a week, most of it in the last four days. If I could stick with even two pounds a day, that would leave another ten days to get back to my 'drained' weight. Life will still be difficult, because of the medicine. But that level of difficulty is much easier than what it is plus thirty pounds of spare jello.
Hmm, I am hungry, and thirsty in spite of all that fluid. A bit of the rice and beans with that chile beef gravy, and 24 ounces of milk, maybe more. Yum! I would love to stay up just a wee longer but that is not going to happen. Food, drink, down, roughly in that order.
Good night, sons and daughters of man. I'll put in a prayer for your intentions, your works, your soul, and those who have gone before us. Lucky turds. Bah!
heh
.
With, say, four doses of magnesium under my belt and two doses of the B complex, voiding is picking up again. When I started the magnesium it started a bit more, now I am always seeming able to go. As well, bm's have begun again. It seems my body had pretty much simply started to shut down on these functions. Just since this morning I have lost another pound, in spite of having eaten two smaller meals and drank... a gallon or more. It's a weird thing. I wonder if doctors know about these things and check them or if they just assume we are supposed to know. Yes, nutrition might be a bit out of their purview, but then, why? It is very much a part of the bio-chemical aspect of the disease and medicinal treatments. Never mind, I seem to have lucked into a blogger who has the dope on the dope needed.
I have now lost 10 pounds in a week, most of it in the last four days. If I could stick with even two pounds a day, that would leave another ten days to get back to my 'drained' weight. Life will still be difficult, because of the medicine. But that level of difficulty is much easier than what it is plus thirty pounds of spare jello.
Hmm, I am hungry, and thirsty in spite of all that fluid. A bit of the rice and beans with that chile beef gravy, and 24 ounces of milk, maybe more. Yum! I would love to stay up just a wee longer but that is not going to happen. Food, drink, down, roughly in that order.
Good night, sons and daughters of man. I'll put in a prayer for your intentions, your works, your soul, and those who have gone before us. Lucky turds. Bah!
heh
Nightmarish but not too bad.
.
.
I made a call or two. Then I tried to sleep a bit. I set my alarm and hoped between it and knocking that I would wake for my appointment. I didn't sleep a normal sleep, and between people calling, the alarm, the cats, and the knocks at the door, the three hours of attempted sleep was torturous. I did answer one of the calls, from the V.A. Someone wanted to change an upcoming appointment from Friday to next week, when I have another appointment. I had wanted to delay that appointment until I can get the CPAP figured out. I couldn't make an appointment two months out, it seems. They are full until after the end of the year, and they don't or wouldn't make an appointment after that. I was told I could keep my appointment, make it for next week when they want it, or wait until January, when they would send me a letter letting me know I could set up an appointment for... sometime after January. I picked the last.
My appointment was sort of harsh. I hadn't slept well. I didn't wake well. I hurt. It is sort of like the flu only, not, somehow. Along with the exhaustion, lack of sleep, and ill feeling, the discussion was odd. It was the missionaries. I explained that I do think it feels like I am dying. Sleep deprivation can feel like that too, but this has a lot more going on with it. I have been close enough to death before to sense it. Oh, I doubt if I will die, only I know I am very weak, my mortal coil is repulsed by the very flesh it is. On the good side I will be seeing the heart docs next week, early in the week.
I continue to lose weight. Only a pound a day now, though perhaps the vitamin B complex will speed up the loss. Part of the reason my fluid voiding has slowed, though, too, is that drinking enough fluid to trigger the expulsions has become very difficult. Even eating is a bit of a task. Such a narrow beam upon which to balance, and with a lack of concentration, energy, and such, the thing becomes tenuous. While I have been taking my medicine, to include the additional supplements and potassium, and I have been keeping up on my home, yesterday I had the first shower in... some time. It's a beastly life, but I am commanded to lead it, and with a smile, until the nature of the beast deprives me of the privilege. And if that is how God and the Church pronounce it, then damn straight I will try.
But it ain't all bad. It certainly is a challenge. And while I would rather be challenged figuring out a design, dancing with mathematics, arguing with physics, and teaching men and machines how to usher in tomorrow, that is not my lot. If you can't be with the one you love, certainly entertain the challenges you are with? Yeah, okay, I take liberties with phraseology. But isn't the term phraseology, or at one time, a liberty?
I bought five cards yesterday, while shopping. Actually, I shopped at 5:30 or 6:00, so I mean earlier today. Anyway. A thank you card for three people, including my mom and some locals, a birthday card for my brother (it will be late, but... go figure), and a salutation for my lady friend. Oh, yes, money and all that. But too, tasks I can try and complete. A little grouping of projects that I am surely able to complete, though without any guarantees either. A chance at word crafting and a bit of leg work added for a kick. Plus, each is meant. Each was thought out in a designed manner, for specific people, each card was chosen from among many others.
Perhaps, after today, I can sleep earlier and wake earlier? Usually, when I sleep early I can still not wake earlier. I was learning that trick but the medicine has stolen that away from me again. Stuck on blathering again. Yep, Zombieville. Later.
Oh, have a good day. *smile*
.
I made a call or two. Then I tried to sleep a bit. I set my alarm and hoped between it and knocking that I would wake for my appointment. I didn't sleep a normal sleep, and between people calling, the alarm, the cats, and the knocks at the door, the three hours of attempted sleep was torturous. I did answer one of the calls, from the V.A. Someone wanted to change an upcoming appointment from Friday to next week, when I have another appointment. I had wanted to delay that appointment until I can get the CPAP figured out. I couldn't make an appointment two months out, it seems. They are full until after the end of the year, and they don't or wouldn't make an appointment after that. I was told I could keep my appointment, make it for next week when they want it, or wait until January, when they would send me a letter letting me know I could set up an appointment for... sometime after January. I picked the last.
My appointment was sort of harsh. I hadn't slept well. I didn't wake well. I hurt. It is sort of like the flu only, not, somehow. Along with the exhaustion, lack of sleep, and ill feeling, the discussion was odd. It was the missionaries. I explained that I do think it feels like I am dying. Sleep deprivation can feel like that too, but this has a lot more going on with it. I have been close enough to death before to sense it. Oh, I doubt if I will die, only I know I am very weak, my mortal coil is repulsed by the very flesh it is. On the good side I will be seeing the heart docs next week, early in the week.
I continue to lose weight. Only a pound a day now, though perhaps the vitamin B complex will speed up the loss. Part of the reason my fluid voiding has slowed, though, too, is that drinking enough fluid to trigger the expulsions has become very difficult. Even eating is a bit of a task. Such a narrow beam upon which to balance, and with a lack of concentration, energy, and such, the thing becomes tenuous. While I have been taking my medicine, to include the additional supplements and potassium, and I have been keeping up on my home, yesterday I had the first shower in... some time. It's a beastly life, but I am commanded to lead it, and with a smile, until the nature of the beast deprives me of the privilege. And if that is how God and the Church pronounce it, then damn straight I will try.
But it ain't all bad. It certainly is a challenge. And while I would rather be challenged figuring out a design, dancing with mathematics, arguing with physics, and teaching men and machines how to usher in tomorrow, that is not my lot. If you can't be with the one you love, certainly entertain the challenges you are with? Yeah, okay, I take liberties with phraseology. But isn't the term phraseology, or at one time, a liberty?
I bought five cards yesterday, while shopping. Actually, I shopped at 5:30 or 6:00, so I mean earlier today. Anyway. A thank you card for three people, including my mom and some locals, a birthday card for my brother (it will be late, but... go figure), and a salutation for my lady friend. Oh, yes, money and all that. But too, tasks I can try and complete. A little grouping of projects that I am surely able to complete, though without any guarantees either. A chance at word crafting and a bit of leg work added for a kick. Plus, each is meant. Each was thought out in a designed manner, for specific people, each card was chosen from among many others.
Perhaps, after today, I can sleep earlier and wake earlier? Usually, when I sleep early I can still not wake earlier. I was learning that trick but the medicine has stolen that away from me again. Stuck on blathering again. Yep, Zombieville. Later.
Oh, have a good day. *smile*
A tough day.
.
.
A little music from some decent young guns.
An old school tune.
Some mood music.
I did get to town. I went with a milder vitamin B complex. I also grabbed some food and paint. As I was looking over the pain I had purchased, considering why it had not covered the purple, I notice a very small bit of writing. Something about "this paint needs to be tinted". It was sitting right next to paint, also with an indication of "White", that had no such indication. I was pretty much just... gluing my window treatments. We will see if the actual white paint does any better.
I am still up at 8:00. I have an appointment at 14:00 so I cannot go back to bed. I will try to make some calls and check on some paperwork while I... zombify. No, I am not trying to stretch, I simply had some things to do and it took me too long to do them while I have something coming up. I hate these times. At least I don't have to do too much. Day dreaming, that is what I will be doing. I'll be trying to do real world things too. Should be an interesting day.
Have a good day yourself.
.
A little music from some decent young guns.
An old school tune.
Some mood music.
I did get to town. I went with a milder vitamin B complex. I also grabbed some food and paint. As I was looking over the pain I had purchased, considering why it had not covered the purple, I notice a very small bit of writing. Something about "this paint needs to be tinted". It was sitting right next to paint, also with an indication of "White", that had no such indication. I was pretty much just... gluing my window treatments. We will see if the actual white paint does any better.
I am still up at 8:00. I have an appointment at 14:00 so I cannot go back to bed. I will try to make some calls and check on some paperwork while I... zombify. No, I am not trying to stretch, I simply had some things to do and it took me too long to do them while I have something coming up. I hate these times. At least I don't have to do too much. Day dreaming, that is what I will be doing. I'll be trying to do real world things too. Should be an interesting day.
Have a good day yourself.
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