It's not about control.

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It's simply health.  Health is something I cannot control.  It comes and goes.  I know that, but it doesn't mean I submit to it.  Which is why, on some days, I have just a wee more bite.

It looks as if health is on the rebound.  I won't say numbness or that the frozen shell with a harsh fever underneath are gone, but they have faded to moments rather than being a majority of my waking, even sleeping time.  When I would drift near consciousness at night, I could often tell one, the other, or both, were still in play.  Getting to sleep and waking were both troubled by the weight of those things.  Yesterday was the first day without those, but with remnants of the exhaustion they caused.  Something I was able to work through, to a degree.

I certainly didn't get everything done.  But I did enough that I am happy with yesterday.  I will finish up a few things today, perhaps start a few more projects.  I attempted to be to bed as much before midnight as I could.  I made it to bed by 23:00 or so, setting the alarm for 8:00.  I woke very early, but stayed down.  I need the rest.  At 4:00 or 5:00 I woke.  I simply did not get out of bed until the alarm sounded.  Between the bit of effort yesterday, and a rough sleep, I am a bit sore this morning.  Not a problem, so long as symptoms are gone and health is flowing back in.  Pain, even typical illness, won't always keep me down.  It's that deep stuff, heart and organ function, and such... when those go downhill, I can't function.

Finishing the laundry, starting a new load of dishes, hitting under the sink and the kitchen, and a few other things are what are filling the agenda for the day.  Oh, and another shower.  I don't need one, I just want one.  Clean.  Moistened.  I'll hit the feet, especially the heels, with the pumice stone today as well.  Moisturizing those a bit after the stone is something I should do more often.  I just hate spreading goo on my body, getting it on my hands.  Life isn't always about "like".  Actually, life is learning to enjoy in spite of dislike, I believe, often enough anyway.

A bit of waking.  A bit of reading.  A cup of water, then coffee, and maybe a bit to eat, as I go on to wake.  Old rice, a little half and half of my own mix, and coffee...  No protein, I think.  Hmm...  Bacon!  Maybe toast?  Sure.  That cracked wheat toast doesn't leave a lump in my gut.  I have actually been thinking of looking for some of the old wheat types, for storage.  Though maybe that isn't necessary when grinding at home?  I've been meaning to look into it.  Desert Cat suggests that modern wheat seems to be just fine when home-ground.  I need to explore that, before long.  I trust, I just... like to verify.  And no two two-legs is quite exactly alike.  Though he does seem more sensitive to foods.  No complaint or trivialization, mind you.  Different ages, races, and types... well...  It is what it is.  Still, only one way to know, for sure.

On to waking.  Good day.  Oh, and... get to it.  If I can crawl out of my grave, you can certainly get out of bed.  Ha!  Later. 

Not just doing.

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Well, I am, sort of, getting to things.  A snail has a pace that I seem to be emulating.  It is faster than that of a corpse, mind you.  I just realized, I actually started breaking out of the morass several days ago, more soft than physical.  I started reading, and playing sudoku again.  I started reading The SHTF Stockpile, by one of the bloggers in my link list, actually.  I decided to start out with a topic I knew, and author I have some pseudo personal knowledge of, and... baby steps.

In some ways, to some people, his work is shocking.  To people who have never heard of prepping, or thought of society failing, he doesn't give them much room to negotiate.  He offers them the door, right away, if the truth is too heavy for them to handle.  He writes as if what I suspect will happen... will happen.  And, it will.  How heavy, hard, fast, and deep?  No one knows that.  No one.  The best admit it, the rest are looking for a credit card number.  We all have our suspicions.  And we all know that location is as important as other things... your location and local connections when and where it hits.  I approve.

I kept trying to look for attempts by the author to take things easy.  I kept looking for shortcuts, false easements, or simplifications.  He simply doesn't offer those.  He does avoid the panic button, though.  It, even I agree, isn't useful.  Yes, I hit it from time to time.  But not for you, for me, because I feel it so strongly.  I know my position more than most can.  I really am tactically minded, and crippled.  After a wolf chews it's leg off to escape the trap, he then realizes... it didn't just get all that much better.  So it goes.

Good book.  If you have kindle, it's a song and dance.  Cheap, that is, and easy to get.  Usually I don't recommend such.  In some cases, it is quite good.  There is theory, if that isn't the core of the book.  Practical notions on a number of topics.  Tools to trade, food to community, water to transport, given the variety of potential causes for a massive downturn in standards of living.  I don't know all, but at 61% into the book, I can easily recommend it.  It's a solid little book for starters who are past their fears and for beginners and middling preppers, at least.  The lists and ideas, but just as important, the hope and the understanding that hope will carry you beyond anything else you could collect.  It's about life after easy life has ended.

Anyway.  After I finish this book, I will move on to Irrational Atheist.  I have been drooling to bite into that.  I do appreciate the author, and many of his ideas.  We have differences, but... those are more minor, detail oriented, and slightly political... whatever that last means these days.  While protestant, of some nature, there are things all Christians can, to a degree, agree upon.  He has a pretty good head on his shoulders and doesn't have any guilt about being "white", Christian, Western, or logical, and it shines through in other of his material I have read.  Now, mind you, I am going to be looking for, targeting, holes in his material as much as support for my own notions.  Not because I feel one way, or the other, about the topic or the author, save that this is what men do to enhance themselves and each other.  Yes, I will debate any notions I see as weak or wrong, maybe suggesting what I do like... or not.  Women and minorities don't seem to understand that judgment is vital.  It's a good, necessary, required thing.  If you fail, try harder.  If you can't, you are in the wrong program.  Life is hard, some things require correctness.  Anyway, that is my next.  Perhaps, if I even get there, and keep going, an entertainment read now that I have a few sources for non-queer material, and then back to an attempt at the heavies of theological theory.  Bleh.  But, actually, I do enjoy it all... as long as I am not offended by lies from start to stop.

Later.

Opportunity.

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Why now, not then.  Why here, not there.  Why this, not that?  Can't care.  When a chance to work comes available, the choice is simple.  Grab it or roll over and go back to sleep.  I only do the latter when I don't have a choice.  Today I do have the choice and have made it.  Even if nothing else happens, I have broken through.

It started with a simple shower.  Not really work, though yes it is.  Just standing, sometimes, is a trial.  It isn't a lack of strength so much as a lack of a link between flesh and mind.  The marionette is solid.  The strings are strong enough.  But the master is not at hand.  I had thought to put laundry together, and start a load.  That never works well.  Shower first, then laundry.  At least in my home.  It's not as bad as some places, it just isn't ideal.

Showers are wonderful things.  So very simple, elegant, invigorating, cleansing.  They are technology, too.  I love it when someone laughs at the notion of a shower being a technology, and then watch them choke on their snit when I ask if, out in the forest, even near a stream, they could create just such a system that works in all weather, offers temperature controls that work for at least years without effort, and offer all the surety and safety of what they have in their homes.  Yes, we live better than kings have ever known, and without slaves and servants.  You have no idea how well we live.  Go out camping, then don't come home.  Even the houses we live in are warm beyond compare, the food we get we can afford to ignore or complain about, even with such vast amount of choice.  I do become perturbed, though not just at others.  *mirror*

Never mind.  Shower taken, laundry in the laundry room, I put a load in.  Then I set the last of very few dishes to a soak/rinse.  I needed to sit after that, so decided to post.  As soon as I can, I will handle those few dishes, and put what dirty dishes I can find into a soapy soak, check the laundry, and maybe begin tearing into boxes.  Oh, and earlier, I hit the toilet with cleaner and the brush.  It may get a second strike, depending on how it looks after a rest and some other things.  My neighbor had a funny look on his face the last time I spoke of putting boxes into a local bin.  So... I won't do that.  I either fill my recycling bin, if that will do, or take them on into town, where they have a public place for them.  I got the feeling he was... informed... that this bin is not really public.  He wouldn't say it, but friends don't always have to be told.  And, if friends, just... understand.  Wrong or right, I do my best to... be a friend, and good neighbor.

Recently, I saw items for sale that I have wanted for some time.  Real mops, of the industrial sort.  Not only do they last longer, for many reasons, they are easier to maintain and work so much better.  The homey mop bun type mops I have are okay.  But when used with my strength, and fairly as I don't attempt to abuse, they fall apart rather quickly.  They are good for women, because they are light, and women aren't able to use as much force when ringing and using.  My native physique and strength just doesn't work with typical domestic goods.  A rolling bucket, an inner dirty water bucket, and solid mop handles and mop heads were purchased.  I am hoping, through the laundry, dishes, and boxes, that I can clear and sweep the back entry hall, middle bathroom hall, and bathroom, then mop as close to the clean as these old floors can offer.  Mop, maybe twice, then rinse, and let dry.

Today?  Don't even look at me like that.  I will do until I don't, can't, or my body won't.  Oh, toss in getting the water lines in.  Yeah... No.  Not today.  But maybe over the next few days.  Then again, who knows.  Later.

Daytime is shifting.

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A few hours at bedtime, a few in the morning, not necessarily in the same sleep cycle.  Though, what, exactly is a sleep cycle?  Is it morning to morning, or bedtime to bedtime?  Or... both, and not?  I mean, can't it be the most recent of those, at any given time, thus making it a variable thing?  Honestly, humans can set parameters and move forward within such notional realities, but without strict adherence, which we aren't good with, we will yet vary.  This used to drive me crazy when I watched humans do this.  I was young enough that I hadn't tried, or when I tried, if I failed, I quickly forgot.  At this time, I realize it is a human norm.  Not that I have given up on trying to my life as static as possible, especially difficult because of my health and psychic fog from various things.  I am just not dedicated to it as a possible truth.  Never worry if you don't understand.  Though, my guess, in a discussion, if you could invoke a Q&A, you would not only understand, you would find that you are quite as infatuated with the notion, and easily as incomplete in your fulfillment of it.  As we all wish to be young, handsome/beautiful based I hope on our sex, smart, organized, and such, this thing is a desire for most, at least those who have seen well past simple living, and I don't mean countrified by that, I mean able to see how optimized some part of our personal or professional life could be.

Hmm... what was I saying?  Never mind.  Yes, I just woke, and this morning my mind is buzzing.  Why?  Oh, right.  Because my days and nights are trying to shift.  I didn't get to bed until midnight last night.  I set the alarm to absolutely no good use.  Then, at some point, I did wake and try to push through and get out of bed.  I thought noon had come and gone.  I was sure I had checked the clock several times and that I had seen noon both times.  But I just could not wake!  Not fully.  I asked for Sassy's help.  She has learned caution.  No biting, no scratching, no jumping.  If fully asleep, and she creates a reaction, it won't be a good one.  Gentle approaches work, but she can't quite be gentle when hungry.  Still, with a little help from me, she has learned to approach, and encourage petting and ear scratches.  I am trying to get her used to walking, not stomping, on me too... but that is beyond her I think.  The day was slipping and yet, there I was, stuck.  Switching awake and not, without a way out.

When I finally woke, it was to some relief.  It was only 10:00 and small change.  Because of Sas's help, I did feed the girls right away.  She did very well, with a little coaching.  Sam won't help, for whatever reason.  My guess is she is the true gorilla terrorist, and has received the harshest punishment.  Do not pounce, do not claw, do not bite!  Purr, walk upon, seek pets, gentle.  She refused to learn until she learned very hard.  Taught her to fly, most likely, and often.  I have no pity.  Anyway... it was a bit of a relief. 

Today?  I have no idea.  I am pretty zapped.  Medicine is going very regularly, except when I miss it.  three nights in the last two weeks, and two whole days that were... totally missed.  I don't remember missing those days, it really was just losing time.  Two days?  Missing nights isn't all bad, if not optimal.  But whole days is uncomfortable.  I, for the last few years, haven't done that much until this summer.  Three to four years ago and missing days, several in a row, wasn't uncommon.  And, before that, even in engineering school, missing months wasn't extremely rare.  I don't like the trend.

Never mind.  I am awake.  I will search for opportunity, and take what of it I can find.  Nothing more, nothing less.  Last night I tried something different.  I am not a fan of maple flavored pork sausage.  Not just as is.  However, I had an idea.  Sausage patties, fried to a solid doneness, with a slice of onion and cheddar cheese... with rice.  I couldn't be sure if I would like that, but my internal flavor calculator said that this would be good.  And, you know what?  It was.  Delicious, if not eaten too often.  I enjoyed it for supper, then had the remnants for breakfast.  Darned good.  Maple, cheddar, pork, and onion, on a bed of rice?  Weird, even to my standards.  Though not my only profile that is odd, just the newest one that hit the mark.  It doesn't have to be fancy, or complicated.  It just has to actually taste good, really good, for me to add it to my list.

Hmm...  Water lines really need to be put up.  I think I will focus just on that.  If anything else happens... goody.  If not, I will be happy with just that.  Oh... no editing this "morning".  You'll just have to figure out the notions through the flaws.  Later.

I shouldn't tease.

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I put this up last night, but then rethought.  I'm still not sure.  Hate, when sensed, brings out the predator in me.  But not a single defense is used.  Fear, seemingly my own, and the hater's... An appearance of weakness, and strength in it.  A call, a shout, a dare, and more.  It will only bring in certain types, the most dangerous of types.  It will baffle, dismay, even shame, lessor evils.  My reaction is as hardwired as... what would happen if they did show.  Ah well...  I'll post it.  Understand as you will.
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Sometimes hunger is greater than wisdom.  Not even a pair of them would suffice.  Yes, I... suggest very unwise things, on many fronts, from time to time.  Still... if some hater is going to leave a psychic trail in my ao...  A predator is what it is, and it will react.

Someone wants to join the club.

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Mass shootings, Dems down in the polls...

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It's just math.  I wondered what they would be doing to get out the vote.  When that fails, what next?  And, of course, legit or not, expect the media to twist everything.  Oh, don't even look at me like I am stupid.  If you are looking at me like that, and are sincere, grab a mirror.  They will do, and have done, anything and everything to win.  Honestly, I am starting to believe obola cases are an attempt to grab more power to do whatever it takes to win.  Risky, but these really aren't the smartest communists on the block.  Not that there really are smart communists, if you take the long run into mind, even here on earth.  Most "powerful" bureaucrats in pure tyrannies get fifteen minutes of fame, then the gulag, quickly followed by death if they are lucky.  Usually their family goes in with, or after, them.  Evil really doesn't ever win.

Yes, I actually believe these things are being manipulated.  I did expect some things to begin happening.  And, yes, I expect more.  A campus shooting, some false flag raciss event, who knows.  Ferguson looks to be heading down to the wire, especially since the truth got out on their murderous thug of the week.  Watch yourselves out there.  These people have no care about using you as a shield, bait, or simply taking out their hate on you.  Keep it loaded, keep it close, and pray.

Later.

Roses?

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A scent.  Something disturbed my... turbulence.  I couldn't tell what it was at first.  Impossible!  I don't know what roses smell like.  I couldn't tell a rose from a tulip or pansy.  I am philistine regarding such things.  Yet, there it was, and I knew.  Red, too.  I know.  Just something.  Even if there is no difference between scents involving color, this scent is not purely mechanical.  No, I don't understand.  I simply know what wafts through the air, or my mind.

Awake and... good?

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I am not quite awake enough to be absolutely sure.  My right arm must have been slept on, as it was asleep when I woke, as awake as I even was and now am.  Over this half hour of waking or so, it isn't quite back to normal even yet.  Better a slow waking than that excruciating immediate wake-up that limbs sometimes go through, I suppose.  And, even asleep, it functions quite well.  Typing isn't impaired, if the right side of the keyboards seems to being clicked as if bubbling solid champagne or something.  Bubbles!  Nerves are such odd little things, innit?

As I mentioned, I actually feel pretty good this morning.  A little of the frozen fever is still there, but it isn't as pervasive, dominant, in blocking my view of life.  No energy on the scale, but that is normal for the first few hours.  That may or may not improve through the day.  With the main usual problem not as much in my face, I may be able to get to planning.  Even if nothing else happens, planning is good.  It whets the appetite for doing.  That, in turn, makes even small windows of opportunity a bit more inviting.  I may well get stuck half the way through such a window, but a little of something, like action, is better than none.

Once in a while.

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Tonight, as an example.  Often lately, near bedtime.  I didn't find this place by using drugs, or necessarily the life I lead.  Pain, a lot of it.  Pain itself became it's own painkiller.  It stacks.  And stacks some more.  Eventually, if you live, you are here.  The frozen fever arrives with it.  In the mornings just the frozen fever.  A bit of midday is almost normal.  I'm not sure if it's a good thing, now, or not.

Nothing today.

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The want was there.  I looked over tasks, both those mentioned and others, as I would traipse here for this, go there for that.  Just going to and fro was as much as was available.  No spare life-jackets, no spare boats, not even room in any case.  And so it went.  The girls were fed, their litter tended, a light lunch was prepared and eaten, meat and fish thawed.  Not one more thing.  Even gaming has been more than I can do.  Medicines are continuing, mostly, as I can remember.  Mostly...  A very good description of life right now.

I did have a few visitors.  Missionaries.  Womenfolk.  They cannot enter without a chaperone.  Fair enough.  We just talk at the front door.  A possible upcoming event, discussions of faith, and other topics.  One of them is a little... high strung.  She is thinking a family, a couple of ph.d's, and big city living is for her.  I didn't want to tell her, but if she goes for even a single ph.d., she needs to remain single.  A career?  Pretty much just give up on a family, or maybe have a pet husband or three.  City slicker types.  Can't tell them anything.  She will learn.  For now, she hears what she wishes to hear.  I hope, if she actually is more family oriented, and has a first child before she is too grossly involved and indebted to choose otherwise, she will realize what priorities are important.  No telling or her.  Secular nun working hens, or married women, that is what education opportunities provide women as to choices, save in precious few situations.

Something else might come of it.  They visit folk who raise sheep.  I asked, then rethought.  I wondered if that family sold their sheep publicly, small scale.  Then, as I suggested, I recanted.  I didn't wish them to cross business with duty.  Ah, but they will ask, or so it seems.  A sheep, a hog, and half a beef a year would see me comfortable.  Fish and fowl, as well, as it may be purchased, for variety.  I'm a meat eater, a beef eater as the Brits called their Scottish men at arms, and for good reason on a number of fronts.  Oh, did you hear?  A survey of centenarians found that most who lived to 100 and older were heavy beef eaters and often had a shot of something a day.  Not a single vegetarian in the lot, if I think vegetarians mean to die younger.  I can't do the shot a day, but the beef part is well tended.  Perhaps I will hit 80?  Don't laugh, you might choke.  I've already survived the doctor who misdiagnosed me, perhaps knowingly, thinking it would be my end.  Oh, yes, I do... chuckle.  But I don't laugh.

I will keep focusing on doing something, almost anything.  It's been rough.  Getting out, or doing things, busts me up.  I'll keep at it, in mind and spirit, if not body.  Later.  Hmm... perhaps good night.

Just topped 56k.

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I am trying to wrap my mind around that.  Pageviews, is what the number is about.  Now, I don't mean to chase people off, but I don't write so as to keep them, either.  I am not writing for pageviews.  I merely try to get some notions set out to be reviewed, explored, or simply to be rid of them.  Oh, I know, 56,000 isn't that many, compared to what some get.  Vox probably gets many more than that in a day.  I suppose there are even some who, over the course of time involved, get fewer.  Neither is the point, and it wasn't a goal.  It just surprises me.  That is, assuming I can trust the number.  Which, to be absolutely honest, I cannot.  Up for some reason, down for other reasons, it is definitely wrong.  Still, it is what I have to go by, like a clock that is off, odometer that is on the fritz, or social input.  In any case, it was one at a time.

I have just over 5,000 posts.  That means, in theory because while one number is sure, the other is very off (doesn't always count foreigners, or even some US commenters, for example), there have been about 11 views per post.  Who knows how many legitimate readers went unaccounted, and how many of those visits were by spambots.  As mentioned, I have these numbers, and nothing else, so...  Then again, this was over eight and an half years.  Not exactly a whirlwind pace.  Just numbers.  Insignificant.  But... mine, sort of.

Hmm... on to something to eat.  Later.

No idea.

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I can't remember when I went to bed, or going to bed.  I have this feeling I do know what it is for an asteroid to hit terraferma though.  Thankfully, I was nowhere near water.  I went in at a low angle and fast.  Made it all the way to paydirt.  Then buried in deep.  No dreams, no shuffling, no rolling, of which I have any awareness.  Now that, my friends, is sleep.  I wouldn't want it that deep every night, but on some nights it fits.  Last night was such a night.  As complete of a computer reset as I get.  And I don't seem to have slept wrong, so nothing was damaged in shipping.  Booyeah.

It was 7:00, or a little after, when I woke.  I couldn't believe the time.  It's a good enough time, no doubt.  I just can't believe I slept so long, so hard.  No memories of rolling, minor near wakes, and a sort of strange timekeeping through the night from various things, even though I am mostly dead, is a rare thing these days.  Still, as tired as I was after yesterday, it was perfect.

Today?  Rest.  But while resting, plotting.  I am hoping to get back on track with some of my projects.  I do need to get the drip watering system in.  Perhaps, someday, I will find use for that still.  I would like to clean out under the sink, and get that ready for work.  And maybe hitting the bathroom with broom, mop, toilet brush and clorox stuff, plus some dusting might be good.  Oh, and with the table being maintained at nearly cleared, I would like to make some headway on that, in preparation to honing a straight razor.  I don't know what will happen, but as I try to peak out a weak, possibly or not accessible window of opportunity, those are what I see right away.

I was thinking of something, as I was falling yesterday evening, but before I hit... then this morning, while initializing...  There are people out there who seem to know who I am and what I write, here.  Some approve.  More approval than not, locally.  I can see it in faces and eyes.  Some do not approve.  Those who do not approve have this frozen rage on their puss.  A burning hatred seethes from within.  Delicious, do not think it causes me an iota of concern.  I know, and they know, there is nothing they can do.  At twice, and more, of some of their ages... with a heart that is well and truly at deathly levels... they know I would eat them, without even a thought in the raw.  Yes, boys and girls, my virulence in some things is obvious even now.  A knife in the back, or a bullet from behind, might not even see them to their wishes, and might well see them ended even then.  No glory, just guts, they lack both, and any courage of their convictions.  The stench of fear...  I don't know if it's right to own, but the Lord does know I... enjoy it immensely.  When I was of a darker nature, it was one of my tools outright.  Now, just a faded, deserted, dessicated reminder of another time, transposed onto the efforts of a shadow of the light.  Absolutely delicious.  Then again, who knows.  One of these jackals may end up offering this lion a final beautiful death.  Not one iota of concern.  They can't win.  Evil can't win, that's part of that gig.  *gruesome grins*

Well, a little time to wake, then an organization of effort perhaps.  Hmm... I ought to think about food for later too.  Fish and rice?  With either brussels sprouts or brocolli?  Yeah, but thawing meat for tomorrows, too.  Later.

Sometimes...

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Every once in a while, a woman can sing my words, in her ways and tongue, so very well.  A daydream reminded me of just such an occurrence.  Perhaps more a minor nightmare while awake.  Okay, there are some nightmares that get to me a bit more than most.  Just not the typical ones.  A bastard of many things, but there... needs to be a medium, sometimes.  And so it is.  How does the calculus of the bastardization of it all work out?  Ask God.  That's what I do.  He has merely suggested not to worry, so long as I remain true.

The sun.

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It's slowly starting to light the world.  I'm not sure I am ready for it.  Going out there later will be a bit of a stretch.  That's not a horrible thing, it's actually a good thing.  But so is a tracheotomy if you need it.  Need, want, not always the same thing.  I am a bit tired still.  I would take a quick nap, but I don't think it is possible.  I have to be able to sleep in order to nap.  Simple math.  It just doesn't work out.

I am considering trying to get a shower and maybe head into town early.  A hair cut.  Not really short, not with fall and winter about to tackle my poor old corpse.  The cold really doesn't bug me, and yet I don't want to just leave myself to it's less than delicate abuses.  A little extra hair helps just a bit, and in a number of ways.  The question, though, is whether I can pull it together to pursue a coup against time.  At 8:00 and change, I have a few hours to take a shower and still have time to air dry, perhaps three hours.  I will need to be pretty much finished by then if I want to get in and out and still be on time.

The world is certainly cooling off.  I really have to set up a time and date, then push to retrieve my drip watering system.  It, mostly, worked.  While there are weeds out there, it is nothing like last year.  If I had been able to do much this summer, I probably could have kept up on it.  Maybe the weeds have thickened since last I looked, if I doubt it.  Yeah, no garden next year.  Hmm...  I might try to help out a neighbor though, by setting up a drip system for them.  No request of vegetables, no cost, just for something to do.  Have them call me if something goes wrong, figure it out, and slowly get them independent on the system.  Then, the next year, do the same for another neighbor.  Hey, it would help me learn to keep a system up and going, how to customize.  I would learn much, help my community save water, but not have to do the daily daily, which seems beyond my grasp, currently.  Yes, I think I will make that a goal.  Through the winter I can stock up on a connections, lines, study, timers, and be ready to install the system as soon as they plant.  It's not a great expense, but it isn't free either.  It really does help with the weeding, and water bill, too.  More than most might suspect.

Hmm...  Oh, right.  Back to trying to shake myself out of slumber.  Later.

Slept like a log.

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It was definitely one of those nights.  I can't be sure when I finally went down, though I think it was 19:00~20:00.  Earlier and later being slightly possible.  I was beyond exhausted when I crawled into bed.  I decided to let the girls sleep with me, even though I knew they make sleep a little more difficult and reduce the depth of it.  Without them, I can just flop to this side, or roll like a bear.  With them, I have to... be aware enough not to squash one or the other of them.  They have amazing anatomies though.  I could only probably kill one of them if I trapped it under me while still asleep.  Sam got rolled onto lost night, but was quickly extricated having little more than a slight whine of indignation.  Didn't even move after that.  I doubt if she fully woke up, nor did I.  Kids!

I woke right around 3:00.  That, I do believe, is the witching hour.  A fiction, as I mentioned, created by those afraid of the light, and the truth.  Better to create a fiction to believe in, I suppose it may be believed, if one can't really deal with some realities.  Well, and for some, the truth just is dull.  And, yeah, I suppose.  Like driving 1,000,000 miles without an accident is dull.  Honestly, in spite of all my various off-roading... I really like the road.  I was either forced off, or had no other option.  But I have always liked the road, even when I hadn't used it for long periods of time.  Stick to the road, if you can.  I have never understood those who try to go off the road with the wrong vehicle, in the wrong place, at the wrong time, just for variety.  I never will understand.  The witching hour is based on just that.  And it's a wreck.

Lovely morning?  No clue.  It can't be, actually.  Because it is morning.  Later it might be a wonderful day.  But not until the notion of morning is gone.  Not that I find mornings, in general, to be bad.  They are merely bland, gray, sometimes hard if forced.  And yet, in some small way, I enjoy.  That time of the day to reset and restart.  If I can do it slowly, I enjoy it much more.  Usually, as today, I can.  The hope is to get beyond the fog and into something, without having to force it.

My friend called last night.  Shooting, tomorrow?  Urhm, when, noon or 13:00, or so?  Yes, he thought, that might be right on.  Very well, so it goes.  I locked in and will keep my promise.  Time, for me, as mentioned, is give or take.  Lord knows I try.  Reality happens around me, only including me as it wishes.  It might be 14:00 or 15:00 before we are out.  Though, sometimes, I can be there, then, somehow.  Magic.  But, I will be there, and as on time as possible.  Which means, sometime this morning, a shower.  Hopefully with enough time to air dry.  I must be a lizard, or dog, or something.  Oh, I'm partially dressed while air drying.  I'm just not a nudist, as oddly inhuman as I can be I do love to be covered.  Though that may be more tactical than... moral, or social, or... whatever, too.  Do not get caught with your pants down, or whatever might serve as pants for your mind's comfort zone.  Indeed.

Chuckles may abound, while waking.  Things look much funnier in the near view mirror.  While waking, distance is already quirky, perception is slightly off, inhibitions are slightly lowered, and you, my friend, are deliciously easy to play with, if in the same boat.  Women learned to laugh with, and at in return, or go hide until their funny bone was prepared to be rubbed.  Same with my girls (cats).  Some days various egos are up to it, some days, like this morning it seems, not so much.  Sassy is suggesting I not touch her.  I merely ask, through the eyes, if that means noogies are out.  Haven't seen her since.  Yeah, she knows when I am up to no good.  *crocodile smile*

Ugh.  Morning, I think I said.  And no one to gift with noogies.  Blah.  Later.

Daytime is a struggle.

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I'll keep at it.  No nap today, if the one I took yesterday was far too late, doing more harm than good.  I really thought about a nap today, but didn't get to it in time while having no interest in repeating the fiasco encountered yesterday.  Still a bit sore from getting out recently.  Recovery is rather quick, and the more I get out, the quicker recovery is and the milder the strain to begin with.  Too inactive this summer, if that hasn't been a choice.  I will simply keep trying to figure out how to do more, get out, work, and play.  I'm a crippled animal, not a stupid one.  :p

It is overcast today.  That is actually a bit of a comfort.  While my sunburn is already gone, the memory remains.  A slight fear of the sun has returned.  Which means, I really need to get out soon, again, to not let that become more of a problem, or my weakness to the sun increase.  If it hurts, if you fear, head right on in or quit and go home to hide... for the rest of your shortened miserable life.  As tough as my life already is, I refuse to relent.  So, I need to get out.  Plus, it's fun to look into the sunny face of my enemy and take all the radiation he can throw at me, with a smile.  Burned smile, but it works.  :)

More coffee, as I try to maintain consciousness until supper arrives.  And a bit more.  Just being barely conscious isn't enough.  I have to be aware enough to want, or see the need at least, to eat.  I am hungry, but then I try to always be a little hungry.  Well, that is optimal.  A bit hungry, a bit thirsty, a bit tired, and a bit horny... in the right mix... that will see you to hell and back.  Hell, like any big city, is a place you go only for need, and a place that might be interesting to visit, but you wouldn't want to live there.  So always figure out how to escape either, should you have need to go in.  Just saying.

Later.

The beasts.

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As I have mentioned, I have dreamed of being animals.  An eagle, a bear, and a wolf.  I most strongly associated with the wolf, but such is not a real choice, only a conscious one.  Through time, I have collected items that represent each, save one.  For the eagle, I have a ring that resembles the beak and skull, or variously and for some, a talon.  With the bear, I have a fetish necklace, made of turquoise.  These things sort of came to me.  Often without thinking.  One was bought as a gift, but one I could not relinquish.  The other was a foolish bauble at the time of it's purchase, unseen for it's purpose until later.  I kept wanting, and trying, to be rid of the latter, until I realized I couldn't, and why.  I have been pondering how to obtain something of the wolf.  Something true, but not disrespectful.  Something real, but not of a killing nature.

Last night, I was visited by a large wolf, in my dreams.  It was the wolf I had been.  Still large, still strong, but much greyed.  It spoke to me without words, through the eyes and thought.  It told me I already had the items I needed.  I searched recall but could not see.  It saw my confusion.  It suggested something I have always suggested myself.  It is in the eyes.  I didn't fully understand, in the dream, or since waking.  I am not sure I believe.  Sometime this day, however, I will look at a video of a wolf, and go reflect on that in the mirror.  I am not sure I believe, quite yet.  I will know, when I am ready.  Could just be a silly dream.

Later.

---------

Hmm, after looking at dozens of videos, most so stupid (scientific) or suicidal (animal love crap) that I won't even bother to post them, I didn't really see the connection.  Probably just a dream.  Still, it was neat.  Some dreams I just can't help but enjoy.

Long sleep.

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Yesterday, I woke at midnight, then didn't get down for a nap until... 15:00?  Close enough.  I slept until 17:00, but stayed down until called.  Supper then, not long after, back to bed.  I shouldn't have tinkered with a nap in there, but I wasn't going to make it without that.  I can't be sure when I went to bed, but no later than 19:00, I think.  Almost 7:00, and I am just awake.  I woke several times, and the girls were beating on the door.  Brats!  Seriously, that is just rude.  I suspect Sam, most of the time.  Even if food and water are good, if she wants to go outside, she'll mess with the door.  I think she has friends visit.  Probably a fixed male, but she likes him anyway I think.  Probably goes out so they can just stare at each other.  Bah!

I have taught the girls, to some degree, that messing with me is not wise.  I am lenient if it was a very long sleep.  I sort of consider them back-up alarm clocks.  They have learned that they will not be fed anytime near when I wake, though they may still plead, lightly.  No!  Still, knowing that they get food four to six hours after I wake does... fit into the calculations, and energy used in their efforts.  This morning Sam sounded like she was becoming a rock drummer.  Gah!  But, fair enough.  I'm up.

Today?  I don't know.  It's been rough.  I know I am missing medications, even with all my effort not to do so.  Sleep and waking is messy.  Dreams, a chilled over fever, and some other things, are adding up to an odd, sometimes uncomfortable, walk through a very hazy natured life.  Oh well.  I will get better.  Or not.  I have survived decades of far worse.  A summer of discontent is better than even a month in a complete fog-bank.  I'll just keep looking for doors and keys.  Hmm, for the most part, I'm not even grumpy about it.  Just a bit sore and stiff when I finally get to something, for a while.  That trip to town has left me feeling a bit weak and battered, and sun-burned.  Still, sometime in the middle of this week, I will get out again. 

Get to it, if you can.  Later.

Hit a nerve much?

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The Lord knows, I hope so.

Always decisions.

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The pope versus God?

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The pope suggest that God is not afraid of change.  Of course not, He wrote history, knows the ending, designed the program, offered men the choice of choosing unfailing truth or lies.  Hell, He created Lucifer.  But that doesn't mean He accepts change.  How can He accept change if He doesn't do it?  Allowance is not acceptance, much as allowing your children to fail, fall, and do wrong, then correct, is not an advocacy of doing wrong.  If the pope wishes to debate things, I suggest he do it in his heart, in prayer, amongst his wiser associates, not with my Church, traditions, Magisterium, or any such thing, let alone logic, so long as it is well known that God is not a being of change, nor for it.  It is clear, that if God changes the goalposts, many will be lost.  The enactment of the Second Vatican Council will eventually be abandoned, or the Church will fall.  It isn't even that the thing was all wrong, it was merely that the wrong signal was sent to the wrong actors at the wrong time.  It will have to be... corrected.  And the bad actors will have to be dealt with.  As the bible says, God does not change.  If the Church changes, then it veers away from God.  I cannot recant.  That would be denying the bible, which is much more than it seems.

I may not seem Christian to you.  But that is because you have been taught very wrong things about Christianity, Christ, and much else.  You have been fed adulterated notions of many things.  You believe in equality, even of sexes.  Equality only exists for those who may be culpable, as they can be culpable, in the eyes of God.  It is not a thing of flesh.  You believe in the state, and law, as morality.  You are dangerously confused.  Let me ask you this, would you give your life for your faith?  Would you even risk your job?  How much of your faith have you tendered for your own gain or satisfaction, or even mere acceptance?  Probably best not to debate this, though feel free to hate.  I would highly recommend against that, but... if God leaves you the choice, who am I to naysay?  *grins*  Hate is a form of suicide, the hate of another cannot damage me.  More so since I know it is flesh that is the illusion, as such things go.

Scoot.  Go cry to momma.  You will receive no succor here.

Burned.

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Even before I went to bed, if doubting my eyes, it looked like I had a sun burn.  Seriously?  I was out of my home for only about three hours, most of that time in my vehicle or in a store.  The only times I was outside was, when at my friend's place, he was finishing his cigarette and then when he had a cigarette after shopping.  In both cases, I mostly kept my back to the sun.  Sure, it isn't burned to a crisp, but lightly red with some slight puffiness.  That is just crazy.  I'm doomed!  Wait, I AM Doom.  Never mind.

I did set up the new pillows.  I do think they will work.  Even with them being a change, I woke without fresh kinks, aches, and pains of adjustment I had been waking into.  There are small aches and such in the neck, shoulder, and head regions, but those are remnants from yesterdays.  Echoes that should iron themselves out before too long.  Pretty whiny for a monster, I know.  But I have the time and little else to focus on.  If God sees me to a wife, she will... give me something to whine about, but no time to do so.  Which is why I will return the favor by giving her a child, then more.  You know, I don't think that works out quite like it seems, which is exactly how God planned it.  You don't get ahead until you are so far behind that you can't catch your breath.  Then, when you find balance, and catch your breath?  Then, on earth, you KNOW heaven.  He's... tricky that way.  It's just that so many have lost faith.  They want heaven now, and always, so much so that the only way to find it quickly is to exclude God.  That instant heaven, however, is exactly what those of faith know as hell.  Damned addictive, too.

Never mind.  Look... if you think I am evil?  And I am telling you that the ultimate good in, and beyond, the universe should receive your kneel?  It makes me laugh when people call me evil, then ignore my advice on how not to be evil, or what evil is or isn't.  If you are considering drugs, talk to an addict who would make another choice.  If you are thinking about having sex before marriage, talk to an older person who has had many affairs and found the fulfillment of emptiness and those who are now irreparably diseased.  Thankfully I hit the one before stumbling into the other.  If you are going to ride wild on a motorcycle, talk to some of the long-timers and those who have lost it all for fun.  Don't listen to those who are just about to get off the bus into whatever darkness with you.  They know not what lies ahead.  Don't ask the ones waiting to prey on you, either.  Your stupidity is their meal plan.  Just a thought. I have nothing to gain from your success or failure.  I don't get a percentage of tithes, I don't get a free pass to heaven for some number of sign ups, heck... if I am a giant, truly, I may never see heaven.  I gain nothing, only some satisfaction that another soul might stumble, haltingly, humbly, into a bright new true real future day.

Burned?  I can still pull boiled eggs out of still boiling water, but I can't handle a bit o' sunlight?  Maybe it really is some sort of more literal frozen fever.  It sure feels like it.  Ah well, I'll recover.  I told my friend that I would be in later in the week.  Shooting, probably.  He thought maybe he hadn't heard from me because I was angry.  I told him, if I was angry, he would definitely have heard from me.  Though I had to add that, well, I am angry at him.  Just for general purposes, and no more than I am angry about anyone or anything else.  That got him to chuckle.  Which... made me angry!  :p  Yeah, no worries.  I think it's all fun and games, in one sense, even when someone loses an eye.  That'll teach em', or me.  Remember, "em'" is me backwards, without even the fancy punctuation tech gadget.  Huh?  Shut up.

Later.

Oh, urhm, sweet dreams.

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My dreams have gone in many directions.  I am not remembering them, always.  Relics of the notions remain, and have been being expressed.  Among them, some... guilty pleasures from dark days gone and done.

Hot!

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Bright, too.  Even with my sunglasses on, my eyes feel as if they have been flayed.  That orb in the sky is something else.  I guess it isn't as tilted as I thought.  Hot!  Everything I wanted to do was done, and my friend got to go where he wanted to go.  It wasn't exactly a heavy day, in one sense.  It was enough.  Did I mention how extraordinarily warm it was?  Well, it was.  Just saying, if I hadn't mentioned it.  Oh, I am so looking forward to winter.

Summer is lost.  Fall is going quickly.  I hope I don't sleep winter away too.  I truly would like to get out a bit, before long.  At least I enjoy winter temps.  Though, at least in the cave, with just rather, usually, sparing use of the air conditioner, I actually didn't have a problem at all with the summer heat.  And, yes, I feel it, even with all.  It just didn't seem as bad this year.  While I wasn't out much, I was, usually, on a day cycle, mostly.

Oh well.  A few more hours up, and I will be nearly back to days.  I suspect my sleep cycle will yo-yo a bit, before settling on days, hopefully.  I'll get there.  Later.  Maybe good night.

Yes, a trip to town.

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A bit battered and tired.  My eyes are all buggy from so much sun, even hidden well behind the curtains.  I don't, really, feel like going.  Actually, I don't need to go.  There is time before I completely run out of the last of my consumables and such.  No matter, it has been decided.  It will be good for me.  It might help me break into the day almost completely.  Well, and the right pillows would be quite nice.

I called my friend.  He didn't answer, but seems to have his voice mail set up.  I left a message.  I will call when I get into town.  Hmm... the pillow store, first.  Groceries after that, and after picking my friend up and going for lunch, if that happens.  I like to keep my groceries as cool as possible.  Then again, I need ice.  I just buy packs of it anymore.  Cheap enough, and easy, and if I remember to take an ice chest, that might allow more latitude regarding the ordering of my trip.  Not that I will most likely need flexibility, but it's nice to have. 

I am a little nervous about going out into the sun.  I believe I have sun glasses that will cover my regular glasses, and are dark enough.  It is only my eyes that suffer.  The paradigm shift from dark to light is a little problematic, but less of a bother than bright light is to night-bound eyes.  I may be a bit sensitive to the sun.  At least it isn't fatal at great speed.  Especially with the angle being such as it is.  I best get going.

Later.

The sun, again.

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I am slowly closing on making the sunlight a regular sight.  I may not be doing more than a few things, but those things are vital.  Medicine, cat care, food, and... at least looking around for a bit more even if I don't do it.  Well, actually, in the last few days I seem to have been missing medicine.  Or I lost a whole day.  Difficult to know.  I am trying.

A shower this morning.  Much needed, greatly appreciated.  A bit of stone to foot, shampoo and conditioner, and a triple lathering.  Yes, when it has been a bit, it's nice to hit it with the works.

I am hoping to drag through the day a bit longer, and maybe get to town.  If I think I am going to make it, I will call to see if my friend wishes to get out.  A stop at the grocery store, a visit for those pillows, and maybe lunch.  I am almost sure I will be awake long enough.  I am simply unsure if I will be strong enough to launch an assault on the road trip required.  A few more hours and I will know.  Time to air dry my desiccated but clean corpse.

Feeling better?  I go through the frozen fever hard, about the middle of the early part of my waking cycle.  I can get hit by it from time to time after that.  Mostly, by this time in my waking, I am mostly through with whatever that is.  I don't know, but it seems to be hitting me in my sleep, as well.  My dreams have been dark.  Well, you should be able to tell by now.

Get to church, if you can.  And, if you ever wish to do me a favor, say a prayer for me.  Never mind the health, or dreams, or that.  Just... pray for my soul, and the strength to do as God commands.  The rest is meaningless without that.  If you, as myself, cannot make it... say a prayer at home.  God knows.  Dark times, dark sights, a dark future, even if right.  Later.

Dreams, flame, ice.

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I cannot change what is.  I messed with the furnace, I have sought minor remedies thinking perhaps it is just a bug, I have prayed and thought and looked.  I suppose it just has to burn itself out, or freeze back over whole.  Until then, I will simply expose the wounds.

Servants, not masters.

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I have been having difficulty with one of those who was given the reins of my most important associations.  Some forget that they are servants.  A lord, a prince, even a king, has some grant.  But that grant is extremely, and precisely, limited.  I have written of it, much as I have written of lessor associated princes failing, and the whole system just allowing it.  Thankfully, unlike the US system, it seems the Catholic system is not without checks and balances.  The pope is not getting his way in secularizing and humanizing the church.  I have feet in every grave, and yet I put my faith in the foot I have in life.  It seems I am not alone, regardless of the leadership, in all sectors currently.

Those who divorce, gays, and everyone else has a place in the church.  Much as beggars of all stripes.  To some extent we are all beggars, of forgiveness.  However, we have no right to advocacy for our particular faults.  As a fact, those are only allowed if denied.  A particular sin does not give one special rights.  It actually gives that particular sinner special prohibitions.  I approach the church with this, distinctly, in mind.  I have sinned with many women.  As such, I come to the church in debt for that.  I... love the taste of war.  I crave it.  And, so, I come to the church in suffering, and pleading.  I look for mercy and guidance, not... acceptance.  I bleed, in the church, for my sins.  I know each has cost Christ.  Hell, even if I am called to dark things, even then, I would do so reluctantly, cautiously, prayerfully.  So well taught that I don't want even what I greatly desire.  I will hurt for want of not doing what may be required of me.

Thankfully, unlike broken democratic republics, the church refuses to ignore truths.  Some still know what a servant is, and how that differs from being a master.  Even Christ suffered when He could have chosen otherwise.  He certainly did not want what He knew was His to bear, asked that His price be recanted, but then accepted what had to be.  This pope doesn't understand that.  Oh, it's sliding.  From top to bottom, as communards says and devise.  But it hasn't completely fallen yet.  And... don't just look to my church.  Look very closely into your own, and your heart, and God's words.  Thankfully, no pope, bishop, priest, or layman, alone or possibly together, is the faith.  Know that for yourself.

I will review the new writ, see if the church is salvageable.  My faith is beyond doubt, it just may have to exclude liars, thieves, cheats, and despots, but more... sinners who choose sin over truth.  What is odd to me, is that the so called conservative bishop is the one, and from the nation, that pushed for this... egalitarian pope.  Thrown out on his ear.  An abject lesson in politicizing faith.  Just deserts and whatnot.  Woke grumpy, you ask?  Nah.  I was born grumpy.  I enjoy it when I'm not ranting... well, okay, some rants are quite a pleasing thing, when righteous.

Later.

Little things only some might know.

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I am enjoying the sun.  Not bravely, openly.  The shades are as closed as I can make them.  I avoid the rooms which are flooded by the light and heat, or scurry through as I may, when there is no choice.  I can feel it anyway.  Almost a long lost love, trying to rekindle the warmth of a loving embrace.  So bright, so warm.  It is not the ice or cold that I fear.  It is what awakens when the fire within breaks loose.  As the moon and the sun, while the two can be seen plainly together, only one is dominant.  As with those two, it is flame that wins when both are in attendance.  Fire, as with real life, is a more immediate... danger.  If even this is of a lesser nature within what causes true concern.

The sun.

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Rising, easily seen.  I am awake enough to realize it.  I can't remember the last time I was awake enough to be aware of it.  All I know it, when I first realized what was happening, I knew fear.  As some fear the dark, I suppose, when I travel on certain paths, the sun is a cause of fear for me.  It could be merely that a rather fundamental change is taking place.  The world is going from muted shades and sounds, to color and heat and activity.  Perhaps, at one time, there was more than just the fear of change involved.

Of all the stories of monsters, most notably vampires and werewolves, I am surprised they haven't hit upon one of the truths of these creatures.  You cannot be made into such a thing.  Either you are, or are not, of their lines.  Many who are of such lines, however, have no more clue about it than they might have of any other genetic condition.  Until awakened, and only if awakened in certain ways, could such a thing transpire.  Which is why many monster movies... slay me.  Oh I laugh, I do.  Imagine a movie about albinos passing on their curse through a bite.  Well, such things bring a dark hope to hopeless people, I suppose.  There are always some who think grass is greener on the other side, in spite of the toxic warning signs.  I am a writer, of sorts, right?  Whether a monster of mixed lines is a whole other notion.  Stick to the notion that I am a writer.  You'll sleep better.  If a monster is real, and even if it is reformed, it means there are some, or many, others out there.  Monsters who aren't reformed.  Still, even that shouldn't worry you.  Monsters only feed on their own, and those who seek what cannot be given.  None of them are 'vegetarian', mind you.  Not even of the reformed.  *wink*

Not much is happening.  I hope to finish the last of the dishes.  Other than that?  Fire under the ice, again, most of last night.  No, I am not ill.  I am simply not well.  There is a bit of a difference.  I am not sure if the cold, or the fire underneath, is worse.  A metabolic war?  I don't know.  An odd thing.  I have it from time to time, but the war between to two seems much more profound.  The fire is very hot, but the cold is deep and unyielding.  I only notice either when they begin to battle.  No, that wasn't a story.  Actually, I had written that post before finding the video.  They do fit so well, sometimes.

I did make a bit to eat.  The leftover rice, a can of beans, and a pound of hamburger.  Toss in spice, fry, put in a tortilla, and... it was enough.  It isn't exactly wonderful, but it isn't bad.  Sour cream is a nice touch to finish it off.  Milk would be wonderful, if I had some.  Coffee doesn't go well with food, as I see things, so iced water sufficed.

I am going to attempt to stretch into the provinces of the sun.  I seem to have missed a couple of things, of late.  I actually saw them coming due, but could do nothing to... deal with them.  A call, or two, would have been enough.  I simply could not react.  Frozen, it seems, not just not the shell of my flesh.  At least I am keeping some things going, and well.  I may, actually, reduce my medicine over the weekend.  Just cutting down a bit, in the morning doses.  Perhaps that is the problem.  I should know soon enough.

Later.

Midnight.

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Thereabouts, in any case.  A wakening.  No, not the witching hour, mind you, that is later.  That notion is unsound, anyway.  It was only set to that time to hide nefarious belief systems, it never was a truth in fact or belief.  Then again, there are no truths among those who seek to be unGodly.  God IS truth.

Discussing God recently, someone believed that God is an egotist, demanding sacrifice and worship.  Most, of course, do misunderstand God.  Beyond God being a noun, a being, He is also verb, both passive and active.  Truth, for example, or the real fact of science, is a facet of God.  What God demands is that we choose what is true, what actually is, and not believe as we wish.  As to observance, He asks nothing that He Himself does not attend.  He decided, from all that is and could be, long ago, what of it is God.  So it is.

You cannot tell people who have decided, for whatever reason, that God is wrong... pretty much anything.  They choose what they will, usually so they can do, or support, what they want.  If you want to believe in homosexuality, while ignoring that it bears no fruit, then you have chosen to believe in a lie.  One among many.  Hating God is a potent illness, one there is little chance of curing.  Such medicine requires two participants, and is not easy even then.  I have helped to cure this, of a lessor sort.  Well... lessor?  Different.  Perhaps worse in ways.  Hating God means there is belief.  Relegating God to nothingness is worse, perhaps.  And yet, that is where I started, not even half my life ago.  Half a life is relative, but it adds perspective.

I heard something, in the twilight where I lived, through the dark, but sure, and true.  When I realized what it was, I pushed it away.  As the wind to a mountain.  Did it come to me, or was it always there?  Difficult to know in the dark.  When that failed, I hid, digging deeper into the notion of being my own king, in the truth of the illusion of darkness, and some other things.  Fortunately, I had limits.  Some lines I would not cross to ignore (escape) Truth.  Eventually I ran out of room to run, places to hide.  So I challenged the voice.  I wrestled, to me at the time, for the very freedom of my soul.  I was free, why would I choose chains?  The voice was more potent, more sure, and actually offered truth and freedom.  I still... struggle with that, but not because I believe otherwise.  I merely wish, at times, to believe otherwise.

God, if "she" exists, I was told, is a woman.  Ah, but I have been there too.  It is merely an affliction of men who do not wish for the responsibility of being men.  And women who cannot find a lord.  After reading the bible, NT, OT, and listening and hearing the voice, I came to understand.  Well, and remembering being over there, the second time, into death... a minor seeming detail that has become a massive understanding.  When you remember a place where no lies can exist, you realize that when you believe something that isn't true... it isn't belief, it is willful disregard of the truth.  Men were born to rule.  Rule women, rule animals, rule the world.  Running away, or trying to pass it off, only leaves us feeling free to do as we please with these things, without consequence.  It is a lie.  The only reason, for a man, to believe God is a woman, is to be free to be a cad, and worse.

It would be easy to say that men fail at what we are called to do.  And, that is true.  And we will fail until the rightful King takes his place, and teaches all things, then makes us true kings.  Even then, it will not be as it is today.  Sin will no longer be known.  Some of what passes for sin, and is truly sin, now, will pass away.  Nakedness, for example, will no more be a sin than clothing, a cover for sin, is now.  As children we are to approach Him, and as children we will be.  But now, and then, and before, are not, and never will be, the same.  They aren't even similar.  Regardless of failure, turning our backs on our duty will not spare, but spoil faster, an already dying world.  And so it goes.  But our duty is clear, as the male sons of God.  Choosing to not accept our birthright is far more of a sin than taking it and misusing it.  Further, just because a man is called to be a lord, this does not give him the right to misuse.  This, too, will be judged.  Men and women will not be judged the same way, or even for the same things.  A man will be judged for attempting to create the lie of equality, a woman will be judged for failing to be obedient.  If this whole line of argument is just a stop-gap for those who wish not to be culpable for their guilt, or even a party to it.  Even if they deny, men most certainly do rule.  Just remember, the best of rulers rule lightly, and rarely, merely creating the station through which all their trains run is often enough.  Let them figure out the details, only make sure the way exists.

-------------------

I have waken more fully.  I did some of the dishes yesterday.  A small thing, but... a change, of sorts.  Something from nothing, and nothingness.  I have reset the remainder of dishes to a fresh hot soak, since waking.  I made fish yesterday, and rice, with broccoli.  I thawed meat for today and tomorrow, at least.  Such small little things.  As scraping diamonds from the bulk and crust of the earth, it is little things sought, and found.  Precious, however, if marketed properly in any case.  It is hoped that today will see more digging.  A little bit is beyond mathematics to compare with nothing.  And so it goes.

I would love to get into town again, soon.  I do need cream, and would like to try various other pillows.

I may not be, or do, much.  But for a thing that should be dead, and worse... probably damned, I do alright.  I'm still not sure why I was called back, or reserved from death and damnation, so often and so harshly at times.  I have learned to have faith and do what it is I do, as well, and often, as I may.  It is good to not have worry, true worry.  I know what is over there, I know the options, and I will not surrender to anything less than heaven for anything of flesh.  I won't risk my soul, but I will gladly risk my life, for what is right.  My priorities, finally, are as straight as they can be.  Perhaps I can teach, help.  Perhaps I am merely here to perish in some horrible way, as a lesson that separates men of flesh from men of Spirit.  I leave these things in Father's hands.  Amen.

More, perhaps, than I first thought.

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Oh, I did dream.

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All my sleep seemed to be about the darkness of the past.  Before learning of wisdom, choosing good is a blind man's bluff.  He may well do good, but the greater the good he does, without compass, the further astray he becomes.  Home becomes where he lays his head, and there is no way back to his home of origins.  A dark series of dreams was entered.  A post was written, and pulled.  Some things aren't for you.  When waking, sometimes I cannot tell the difference.  Blood flows, with tears and doubts, right from the soul.  But that doesn't mean it ought to be shared.

It's been a rough few days.  Nothing I had hoped to do has gone forward.  Gaming has stopped.  All I do is nothing, and thinking.  Even my thinking is, really, about nothing.  I am staying on my medication.  I am figuring out food.  I am staying warm, or cool, enough, as is needed.  The girls are being fed, and their litter kept up.  But nothing else, not a drop.  There is no way, and little will.  I doubt if this last night of dreaming will do anything to help sort life out.

Empty.  No pain, no worry, no wonder, no effort.  Nothingness.  I suspected it was coming but could, and would, do nothing to alter the facts.  So it is that I sit and think, read, write, and hide some of even that.  Surprising in that I can know to care that some things should not be given.  I'll forget about it all, before long, and perhaps find my way back to some sort of function.  Not today, most likely, or tomorrow.  A week, or two, unless someone, something, a demand or command, bothers to try to shake my tree.  For now, nothingness, with a bitter taste of the past, and some hiding of that.

Later.

Rethinking.

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Perhaps one might suggest a retooling, as well.  I saw something, recently, that has me experimenting with life.  A number of recommendations, regarding function and obtaining it, was presented.  To my mind, it seemed believable.  Among them, don't start out with coffee.  Start out with water.  Yes, it was mostly inclusive to my standards, including coffee.  Though tea would work as well, I suspect.  It goes something like this.  First thing, drink water.  It kicks your body over and hydrates from sleep.  Then breakfast.  Be sure to eat.  Coffee isn't consumed until mid-"morning".  Being that my mid-morning happens to be at about 22:30, at the moment, so be it.  There are a number of other recommendations.  I actually plan to attempt to follow the advice, give or take, for a while, and see if it helps.

Now, mind you, being mostly dead means something.  I am different.  If this set of ideas culminates in success, my version of success will not be the same level of success as for others, certainly not always.  This will no more make me function like a normal than it would make the lame walk.  There are limits.  And yet, within my capacity, this sort of thing might help me to optimize what is possible for me.  That is the trick.  Of course, there is some hope that, with baby steps, medicine, effort, and optimization, that perhaps I can go beyond even the impossible I have already stretched beyond. 

So, just now, a cup of coffee.  Oh, and their ideas of volume is a bit off.  An eight to twelve ounce glass of water might be, give or take, the sweetspot for a mundane, being twice the size, and more, of standard fleshlings, I need to... calibrate suggestions to my size.  As well, this might require a bit of fine tuning.  I may need, and want, more coffee.  I may, though, in time, find that a bit less coffee is better for function, or even that is should be variable.  Even the best, most accurate and precise, advice, must be tweaked.  And that for normals.  For others, the whole thing has to be reconsidered and weighed.  I can, will, and have already begun the process. 

Sleep was a bit better last night, with the new pillows.  I adjusted those just a bit.  While the body is ever so slightly cranky this "morning", it isn't outright stiff or sore.  And yet, I had to sleep a bit softly, adjusting on the fly.  I bet you didn't know creatures such as myself could do that.  Oh yes, I can do very odd, almost unnatural for my nature, things.  I still sometimes wonder if God didn't put a little more human into me than what I had, as a grace from our personal... covenant.  Giving up the command, desire of, or such, of the darker nature, I thought, was simply part of the terms of surrender.  He called, I contested, betting on my world view, and lost.  In losing, I surrendered.  I did not know there was any... returns other than accepting truth.  I now believe He gave much more than what I lost.  And yet He did not take all that I was, or restrict it, only restricting... some forms of it's applications, and taking the helm as for direction.  Who could have known!  Then again, why call a beast only to try to turn it into a poodle, or even a sheep?  :)

Anyway... Perhaps a trip to town soon.  I need milk, and more cream, anyway.  A few more pillows would not be terrible.  I can always use the extra pillows for various things.  Odd, for as much as I sleep, I never nap on the couches or chairs.  I am either abed, asleep, or awake.  Naps, themselves, rare as they are, are a thing for bed.  Then again, perhaps it is simply size.  I have found no couch that can embrace my form properly.  No chair, not even great chairs, fit my frame well enough that some part of my does not have to be... tended.  I can do that, in sleep, but it changes the sort of rest I may obtain.  I call it war sleep, a rest that will allow immediate action if necessary.  It's not a good sleep.

Yeah, well, whatever.  Midmorning, but I am still not quite awake.  Coffee might help.  I will carry on with my list, consider a trip to town, but for now, just attempt to wake.  Later.

Notes and tunes, for a friend.

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I can't but help to consider what my friend is doing.  Oh, I suspect it is much less, and much more, than what I imagine.  And, yet, it's my gig so I can play it out as I wish.  Oh, what do I mean?  Try this on.  For my part, decades ago, and perhaps more back when I still... had clan connections, I suspect I had my own versions of this.  He, it seems, is playing a slightly lighter, but similar, game currently.  Yes, it's on my mind.  My imagination is having fun with it.

Ouch.

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New pillows are harsh.  I will have to sort through them, to see if there isn't a set of them that works.  With new pillows, three is out.  Two is pushing it.  I bought all firm.  Perhaps that was an error.  It isn't a terrible pain, just a good solid one, or set of them.  Neck, head, shoulders, all stiff and out of sync.  Then again, different pillows always take some time to simply become familiar...  Hmm, no, this is definitely not just familiarity.  The pillows, even though they seemed good, were too thick.  I'll figure it out.  I might just have to wear the pillows down.

I was feeling a bit disappointed as I began getting ready for bed.  Not much seems to be happening.   Then I thought about it.  I did have a visitor, and a pretty good night discussing this and that.  I have fixed and put the dryer back into operation.  I have the dishes, over various days, washed twice as I prefer, and soaking.  They just need a final hot soak and then they can be dried and put up.  Between the neighbors and myself, I have been pretty good about eating at least daily.  I made it to the store.  I have been keeping the girls fed and their litter box in superior standing.  I got recycling handled, and trash mostly tended and have been keeping that up.  I set up my medicines and started taking those regularly again.  All of that in the last three days, give or take.  Really, that isn't bad.

Sure, I haven't gotten the sink figured out, or ready for work, yet.  I haven't started sorting out the en suite.  I haven't cracked down on my messy home, as much as I would like.  I have lost a few things.  There are business and personal correspondence I need to attend.  Bleh.  Glass half full?  No, it is overflowing, for my state at the moment.  But that isn't enough.  Is there a difference between being far underwater and being only a few inches below the surface?  Yes, and, frustratingly, no.  More, I tend to piss off the world.  I do it well, I do it without thought even when it is highly considered, and I can't change what my computer evaluates the numbers to be.  If my machine says 10, then 9 1/2, 8, 15, and any number, no matter how close or far, that is not 10.0000000000, is wrong, as I see things.  No amount of coaxing or rhetoric will cause me to change that.  Only added inputs that rightly call for a real recalculation can do that.  Few, if any, can provide that.  I have to see it, and believe it, for me to use any other data.  Even then, the number, once found, is usually exactly that.  Hated for that, true.  But so is God.  Everyone wants a free lunch, but it simply does not exist.  And I will not bend a knee on that, not even for myself.  There is want, there is hope, and there is what there is.  Quite often they will not ever see each other.

My fantasies are just that.  Do not worry about me confusing fact with fiction.  There is some smoke, and some fire, in there.  Interpret as you see fit.  Some of it more so, some of it less so.  I write in such a way so that what is commonly unbelievable but true can be kept as it is, and what is believable but untrue can cover as well.  But none of it is the affair of any other.  Simply, some things ought to be told.  Holding heavy things alone is too much for a mind.  Don't worry about my sanity, worry about yours.  You are required to believe the secular because of your job, your social connections, your incapacity to honestly see beyond the grave or even to it, and your fear.  Excluding God, and what He has written and done, in truth, from your daily, makes you much more suspect than it makes me.  Most of you, truly, are secular humanist, even if in a church.  The next time you suggest something divine, and have that poo-pooed, think about it.  Did you back down, quit the chase, let it go, or even reconsider?  Probably.  Careful.  You have just allowed yourself to be altered, and not necessarily in the right direction, especially if the truth you presented was sure.

Today?  Don't know.  Dishes, it is hoped, will be done.  Another shower, maybe.  A trip to town if I can, though I have my doubts.  Milk is a wonderful thing, and missed when I am out.  I purchased just enough cream to get me through the week, being as expensive where I shopped as it is.  I have time, but little.  I am hoping to at least clean and clear under the sink for another attempt at getting the faucet fixed and installed.  Oh, and while I did dry the last bit of laundry, I never did fold or hang it all.  I don't know.  I will do some, maybe all, perhaps none, of that.  Oh, some painkillers to start my day though, and I just took "morning" medicine.

Messy, confusing, tired.

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I got the pillows set up.  I thought to check on my medicine.  At first it looked like I had missed a dose.  It is Tuesday.  But, wait, it's actually my Monday "night".  So, I didn't miss it.  I went ahead and took it, and will take the last of the medicine shortly.  When your day starts in one day, and ends in another, while you are considering this and that, and doing that and this, it tends to get confusing.  With a minor sense of humor, you can take that confusion and put some order to it.  Perhaps chuckling while you do so.  Well, I can, when I remember, after I have figured enough of it out.

It is almost noon.  I have stayed up just about as long as I am able.  Bedtime is overdue.  Medicine should help me sleep, unless it messes with things.  One of the things the visitor suggested, was cutting my medicines, rather than stopping them.  I explained that when I stopped them, it wasn't a thing to do with will.  Hitting the wall, as I call it, is not something I always, or even usually, see.  A few days to a week, even more, after it happens, I realize what "just" happened.  Sometimes I am beginning to restart normal operations, on a hit and miss basis.  But that doesn't mean I know what I am doing even while my system attempts to reboot and kick over.  One of the ideas developed, was putting in a medicinal firewall.  Say, cutting medicine a few days a week, or variously, throughout the week.  While the medicine helps, it becomes toxic, or at least becomes too potent. 

I know this idea, if employed, will not do more than, maybe, reduce the failures.  The problem is that medicine is only one of the causes of the failures.  Health itself, a form of "human nature" is another problem, and there might be a few other issues.  I can't see these things, always.  Some of them are only theory, never seen, not understood well, and without fully being able to eliminate the known possibilities because they aren't completely understood.  What, about, blanking out would lead one to conclude that someone who does so could know why such a thing happens? 

Still... a bit of humor about it is fine, by me.  I've already outlived any possible explanation itself, and probably will continue to do so well beyond the lifespan of at least a few of my doctors.  Maybe I should advise, and charge, them?  *grins*  Meh, after dealing with them long enough, I know they would make worse patience than I am. 

Good... night.  Have a great day.

There we go.

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Out.  Into the night, as that is what was to be done.  Choices are slim, for the moment.  Night is preferred as well, for now.

A meal was on my mind, and had.  But that was not all.  Cream.  Though I had to pay more, it is what was available when I am able.  A few other things were on my mind.  I had meant to purchase a few more of my coffee "cups".  I used to have four, but two have broken.  Glass, as I have mentioned, is just how I do it.  Glass, of course, is fragile.  I purchased a dozen more "cups".  Eight, maybe ten, will be put away for another time.  I also purchased some glasses.  Smaller than my cups, but larger than most glasses, 20 ounces perhaps.  Something for when I feel like drinking lightly.  Gah!  I forgot to buy milk.  Ah well.

As well, I picked up replacement cat food, and litter.  I have been keeping up on the cat litter quite well.  As such, I can just do a minor shift.  Some of it has to go.  They use the more deeply filled pan for urination, mostly.  The other two pans are mostly for bowel movements, and thus stay relatively clean, if kept up.  Simply emptying some or all of the the fuller pan, then shifting the other litter over, actually is very tenable.  So long as the deodorant still rises readily, the stuff is still good.  Trust me.  Plus, I can tell by how the girls react.  They really love me when I do it right.  If they don't, after a change, I go ahead and do more.  I'm a bastard, and maybe a cheap one, but I like some loving, too.

Finally, while there, I broke down and decided to replace my pillows.  They aren't past due, they are way past due.  New pillow encasements, for under pillow cases, as well.  I had lost track of using those and things go downhill fast, or faster.  Pillows have a rather short life, more so for creatures like me.  Even more so when I don't used zippered cases as well as regular cases.  I had simply been... reticent.  Pillows, the ones I used to buy, were quite expensive.  I doubted if lower end pillows would work.  I finally just checked on them.  I was actually a bit surprised.  I bought several different types, but checked, compared, pinched, and pushed, to check.  I still don't know if they will work, but...  Well... Eventually you simply have to get to something.  It was, literally and figuratively, keeping me up at nights.  Well, I'll find out shortly if I did well.  I am so fussy with pillows.  No one has to be perfect, but they do have to work as sets, two, sometimes three, if not rested upon as normals might. 

Tuesday is it?  Hmm...  I may try to push through the day.  A bit anyway.  Sunlight?  Bleh.  I'll keep the shades closed, for now.  Until I am up to that golden sky orb.  I, mostly, have learned to like the thing.  But not when I have to push into the time of it's dominance.  Then I am quite weak to it.  As I will be today.  I may try to make another trip to town tonight, but later, when it is... refreshingly dark.  Milk, maybe more cream, and a few other things.  Hungry, boys and girls, and no longer feeding on anything but livestock of a mundane sort.  So... to the store. 

Later.

A visitor.

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For a moment, it was suggested.  And, welcomed, so long as the mess of self or cave was not offensive, is all I required.  My door, as I have said, is always open.  Enter or leave, do no harm, the sum cost of admission and exit toll.  So it was.  The visitor entered.  A few notions on his mind.  An ear, had I, and words from time to time.  So a song was sung with neither rhythm, music, cant, or beat, merely the wagging of thoughts and beliefs through words of various timbers.  Strike and parry, glancing blow and feign, together and alone, in agreement and not.  On the night went.

Certainly, mostly.

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I did get the dryer sorted out, as well as I could.  The outside vent downspout does not come off.  It looks as if it  was rolled, together with the pipe.  Oh, I did... bend it all just a wee.  But it fit back in place, for now.  And I backed the dryer into place, and... think... it is attached.  I just thought how I could check, but won't be doing that tonight.  And, since I was at it, as I suggested, I put the clothes that I had been trying to dry back through for a wash, and am half done with those.  More if you count by parts.  The last half of a load is drying, the other part is folded or waiting to be hung, which will be done shortly.  As well, I did wash the dishes and set them to another hot sudsy soak.  I may yet wash those the final time, then set them to a hot rinse.

Supper was made, too.  I had fish thawed, and thought quinoa would work with it tonight.  My steamer basket was lost, somewhere in the wash, so I simply fried the fish in my recently cleaned cast iron skillet.  That worked well.  I've been working on the skillet, the last few days, getting it larded, warmed, and scraping anything that seems stuck on.  Some people swear by the fond-foundered cast iron.  Myself, I prefer it rather clean and clear.  It depends on if you want that sort of flavor, if you work with gravies and sauces, or like me, if you prefer non-stick properties without excessive oils or fats.  Use more than style based.

Medicine is going in my face, regularly, and set up well enough that I can go a month.  I like to refill the medsets as soon as they run dry.  If I can't, two usually sees me to reason before I run out.  This last time was an exception.  I would by a third, but the truth is, sometimes I will just run dry... on anything, sometimes everything.  With stores in stock, I can usually survive without a trip to the store for a fairly reasonable amount of time.  It isn't the best, but it is better than nothing.  I have done both and much prefer the former.  It isn't just foods I try to keep in stock.  Toilet paper to laundry and regular soap, to... you name it.  Anything I use regularly.  A few months supply for the mundane, a little longer for the vital.  As I have mentioned, I am, mostly, already in survival mode.  It's not perfect, yet, and probably never will be.  But, one item stocked, at a time, up to some reasonable point, and the easier it gets for me in the shorter term, probably in the longer term.  I suppose this may bee some of my cosmic medicine?  Dunno, but it's what I have, so I will take it.

Now, to see if I have enough petrol to push through the dishes and the last of the laundry.  It's not all I have been doing, either.  Little bits and pieces of other things are happening.  I mostly, or completely, cleared the bathroom of tools, putting what I will need for the sink out there, for example.  I didn't get to the sink prep today, but that is coming.  Hopefully tomorrow I can clean and clear the area, and begin sorting pieces and parts and try, once again, to get that arranged.  A fully functioning main kitchen faucet, thus sink, would be nice to have again.  Yes, I can do without.  It just isn't preferred.

Good night.

A bit, so far.

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I have reset the dishes to a fresh soak, again.  Twice today, but so be it.  I also pulled the dryer out, and worked the dryer itself, and am working on the vent to the outside.  I guess the project isn't what as I had hoped, as usual.  I unscrewed the outside portion, which is a trick, being right in the corner, and some of it screwed to nothing but the steel siding.  Still, I got it undone only to find that the vent is attached to the piping.  I will have to figure that out, too.  I am hoping it is just screwed in, or otherwise, non-desctructively removable.  Working at nearly midnight is probably a suspicious thing for some.  Hopefully, locally, I am known well enough that it causes no disturbances, if it is even noticed.  I did find the crux of the problem.  A bird, quite dead, mostly masticated.  Yuck.  It's not been there that long, just long enough.  And yet, while I am at it, I would like to go ahead and clean and clear fully.  One problem is that the pipe is solid, and I am not sure how to get it fully engaged with the dryer when putting the dryer back in.  The washer is either very heavy or stuck to the floor.  Bleh.  I'll... figure it out.  There is almost nothing I can't move, even if the flooring comes with it.  I just gave it mild attention, so far.  I am beginning to focus.  Hmm... a crowbar would let me know right off.

Since I am at it, if I can get the vent detached from the pipe... well... when I get the vent off the pipe, I will add screening between the two.  I will get them apart, even if it means a trip to the hardware store to replace the vent.  Screening should keep critters out.  For both our sakes, too.  I'm not an animal lover, as a fruit type, but I am not without empathy.  That would be a bad way to die.  Probably just for a bit of lint for a nest.  I suppose with birds that winter over, or even stay into the cooler parts of fall, a little extra warmth in the nest is a must.

After that, I am hoping to at least clear and clean a path to finish installing the faucet.  With the lost piece found, if I can find it again, there is some hope of finishing that task.  Then, if I have anything left, I'd like to give the dishes their first actual wash, and put them to a fresh soak.  Hopefully those and the faucet can be completed tomorrow.  Sunday?  Is it Sunday tomorrow?  Good.  I should be ready for a shopping trip Monday, and maybe a tree job Tuesday or Wednesday, with another Friday if that goes well.  And I should get my watering system drained and put up.  I won't be doing a garden next year.  Unless I have someone to do the daily, or even weekly, stuff, I can't really carry it off.  If kingdom comes, I will just have to figure something else out... or take boarders for gardening.

I'll keep at it.  Medicine still hasn't started messing with anything, so that is good.  A few more days and I may see a bit of a crash, or not.  I never do know which way it will go.  I kept up a bit, though, too.  So it wasn't a complete wipe, I think?  Who knows.  I lived in shadow there for a bit.  No clue as to what was happening, how, when, or why.  All I know is that I didn't die.  What a gig.  Later, or good night.  No... definitely later.  I couldn't sleep for hours even if I wanted to do so.  Later.

Awake, but what to do.

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I do need to get to town.  I'm simply not sure I am up to it.  I reset the dishes to a fresh soak, bleeding off the dirty water, of course, beforehand.  I would like to get to the dryer, first thing, then the sink.  If I can knock those out of the park, then on to the dishes.  If I can do those, at least to a washed stage, get a shower in, and still be able to walk, I may make it to town.  If I had to guess, I would suggest that, even for normals, this is a 'probably not' or 'a distant maybe'.  Regardless, getting as much of that done as possible is the plan.

Figuring out how pillows are configured was important.  Sleeping off was as painful as anything else.  I am never sure how the pillows go wrong, I must shuffle them in my sleep.  Actually, I can handle a fairly wide range of variables with my pillows, and change them up once in a while for slight, or even no, reason.  But certain angels, too high or too low, and probably some other things such as being at the wrong, or an uneven, cant, can bring pain, headaches, and poor sleep.  When I am really ill, I might be getting that, but not be able to fathom the problem.  As sick as I am, even now, and this summer, it simply isn't like before, even if just by inches.  Those inches can mean the world.  The next time you are near a busy street or highway, look at the traffic path, now look closely at the outside edge.  Now look at what two, or even a single, inch can grant, or take away.  These inches I have gained are not in just one area.  I no longer starve and feast, I no longer miss (at least for long at all) cues that my body is in some sort of distress, and many other little things.  Pulling my bacon just this side of rendering is a big thing.  And, I am almost always aware of my environment.  Not much, always, I can do about it.  But I know... when it is rough, and how rough, and in what ways.  There is life, here, in this flesh, always, now.

Sam has been let out.  I know she actually prefers the outside, so long as she can come back in at her leisure.  I think I have, when I keep the litter box clean daily, convinced her that digging a new scratch spot outside daily is more hassle than it is worth.  And with food being so regular...  No, she still, and will always, love to hunt.  It isn't just the hunt.  It isn't just food.  It isn't just a kill.  It isn't just scratching instincts.  It is all of that and more.  She has been hungry, very hungry.  Probably more from cat food she stopped being able to tolerate, and having had kittens which have fed from her.  As such, knowing she can find food, and doing it, allows her some freedom of mind, and spirit, and makes up for deprivations in the past... in a way.

I still need a bit to wake.  Another cup of joe.  A few hours.  Then we will see what a mostly dead giant can do.  Later.

A fresh breath.

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Might last for a moment, a month, or possibly longer.  I never can tell.  Medicine hasn't started kicking in, regularity has just been started.  So that isn't it.  Actually, setting up medicine in the first place was a sign of the changes.  A little pain, stretch, push, and such does a body good, I suspect.  Something is turning over, and it isn't me, in bed, or moving from chair to chair, if that latter is still the majority.

I was hungry tonight.  Not this, not that, but something specific.  I don't even terribly care for it.  Something in my mind was set on it, and so it was.  But first I needed to clean the kitchen a bit.  And more.  I didn't like anything I was seeing.  It seemed too much, all of it.  A piece or two, however, would be mine.  Dishes first.  I wasn't planning on washing them, just setting them to a soapy soak.  At first it seemed that there were just a few.  And there were, and a few more, and a few more, oh and...  Not as much as one might expect, but quite a load is set to soak.  Then recycling and trash.  Lots of recycling, trash just needed sorted after last week and ongoing efforts.  Finally, looking clear enough to begin a meal, I set to larding the cast iron skillet, cleaning it and letting some soak in.  Finally ready, I made my tuna melt.  Nothing fancy, not my favorite, but... I even through out the last bites.  Canned tuna is extremely dry.  Actually fresh, and fried, it can be without care while cooking.  With canned, the canning solution, probably water and salt as I buy it, soak in to make the meat extremely dry.  Which is why most people use mayonnaise with it.  It is also another reason people can't "stomach" it.  It catches in the throat.  Still, that's what was wanted, that is what was had.

The hope is, tomorrow, to get to a few more chores.  Oh, I did clean out the kitchen sink.  Since the faucet still isn't operational, I had to bring a pan of hot soapy water, then rinse water, in.  But before that, I hit the stuff with baking soda and a can of soda.  I was always curious if that really worked.  Well, it does work.  Actually, the faucet is one of the tasks I hope to complete tomorrow.  That and the clothes dryer vent.  Lagging, I have been, hard.  Looking for that window of opportunity.  It has arrived, for now.

After those things, perhaps a mild break, with the hopes of hitting the last of the branches in the tree when I am back into the game again.  And, if I can do that, perhaps working on some branches in other trees.  That really was good for me, if it busted up what breath I had.  I think that is necessary for me.  Then again, I don't want to kill myself doing this, literally or figuratively, so I will be cautious, use ropes and tethers, and take my time.  I have lots of time, might as well use it.  Then again, I have a lot of work too.  But so little breath.  I don't think medicine is going to change that, as is.  Something else has to happen.

Later, or... good... day/night.  Yes, my sleeping schedule is back to days.  All turned around, but sleeping days is so natural for me.  Just because I can, mostly, handle the sun, doesn't mean I, or my body, prefers it.