No surprise.

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Awake well past midnight for the first time in...  Hmm, in a way, probably not that long.  But the last time I was awake past midnight it was not a stopping time, more like lunch.  It feels like a hangover.  I did, sort of, push yesterday.  All good.  No complaints, and it might snap back tonight.  Though if I want that to happen I need to push things earlier.

There are three, maybe four, things I must do today.  To my mind.  Okay, five.  I would like to kick out the dishes and tend the laundry.  I have two coats in the dryer, and one load of cottons to go through.  Hmm, might have a load of synthetics and wool too.  I may not be able to finish all the laundry.  But if I can push the cottons through I can hit the other things tomorrow.  Then another shower, maybe a bath if I can do it in a timely manner.  Then to at least confession, and then shopping this afternoon and evening.  I would like to consider Mass, but... that's a lot of people, I'm not sure I have anything proper to wear, I am not sure I am ready.

Speaking with the deacon, it seems if I am running late, there is still a place I may go without interfering with an on-going Mass.  There is no guarantee I could make even that, but it is an option and possibility.  It is open, pretty much, at the same time mass is open, if I heard that right.  While I would be alone, it is a place for prayer.  It might help me learn timing.  Or at least allow me something.  There were a few other things we discussed.  I do need to find out when again.  I think it's noon, and two or three days of the week.  I've been down for six months, was sprinting so fast to do things for the six months before that, but without direction... in a scattered manner.

Well, that's the plan.  I woke later, if I really only slept six to seven hours.  Yeah, I hope it snaps back to early to bed, early to rise.  Later.

I was remembering.

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Before Burning Man, long before, I entertained the company of another sort of clowns.  We were all looking for... something.  I think it was the truth.  Too many of those cheated though.  Drugs, dead sex, personal strengths of various sorts.  Oh, I had my own ways.  We actually came together, as it turns out, to see who was using what and to what level of success.  Invitation only.  I never, to be honest, understood why I was included.  Especially since I didn't do drugs.  Ah, right, and that is the point.  I realized, in a bit of a memory trance, why I really was included.  It was because my mind and body was going places and doing things they could only go and do on drugs.

Never can be sure.

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I didn't get on to the dishes.  I did one load of laundry through.  It's in the dryer.  I had hoped to push another load through but that simply, obviously, didn't work.  So I wore a different coat.  No bath and shower, but I did get a extra long shower in, extra hot, scrubbed thrice not the usual twice, and better even so.  I always fear that I will smell funny when going out into public.  And, perhaps I do.  People don't like telling mostly dead people that we stink.

I braided my hair.  I suppose I could have skipped that, but my hair is in one of those in between stages where it isn't one thing or another.  Braiding is as good as I could think to do.  It might not look that much better, but it is more kempt.  I simply haven't been getting out, or been able to schedule events.  I was quite lucky to have been able to push through.  I simply didn't want to miss both events.  Didn't want to miss the other.  But I am just into staying up into early evening, and wasn't able to stay up late enough that day.  Next month, I hope.

It was good to see some of the men and their wives.  I know some of them really don't like me.  That's the way it goes.  I'm not too worried about that.  I can only do what I can do, even if I talk a mean game.  And, yeah, that isn't enough for some.  Well, and I certainly have my flaws.  And, of course, there is just... bad chemistry, I suppose.  I don't worry too much about that.  I don't even really share it back.  If I am in the wrong on something they have an obligation to correct.  I don't mind.  Of course I'd naturally resist.  But if they show me it's wrong and call me on it, and they are right, I would eventually accept, apologize perhaps, seek more.  Though I don't know what any actual problem is for another.  I can't bridge that.

Still, it was good.  I don't know what is what, exactly.  But there were many I was pleased to see.  And it was good to be out.  Like the sick kid, who gets to go out to recess when he is better.  Hmm, and it might be a beginning to get me back to church, even once in a while.  I need reconciliation, maybe tomorrow.  I have been trying to get the process down, but, if I can make it, I might just... run and gun and do the best I can.  If, as I suggest, I can make it.  I don't know about staying for mass.  Even the middling crowd of this evening was a bit much.  It's been six months of no recess, mind you.  I'm not used to people, even when they are somewhat familiar.  Weekday Masses are probably the way to start.  Though, who knows.  If, if, if.  I'll add this to my prayer request.  It's pretty much all I ask for, save one other prayer.

I did stop to shop on the way back home.  I missed a bunch of things.  If I can get out tomorrow, I'll try to finish the list... if I can remember what I forgot.  Yeah, late.  Good night.

Much better.

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I couldn't get a nap in.  There isn't time now.  I will probably have to push pretty hard to make it to dinner.  I think I can, as things are going.  A load of laundry is going.  I emptied the dishes from their soak so as to get a bath in, which as I realize now will have to wait until the laundry is finished... perhaps forty five minutes from now.  A bath, actually.  Then I will put another load of wash through, set the dishes to a final soak, and perhaps get them dried and put up.  If so, I may take a shower before going to dinner.  Why?  Well, because.  A shower every few days is okay.  Some days it's good to get clean then cleaner.

The sun is out.  That isn't hurting.  A bit bright for my eyes, but I can see it around the shades.  Enough gets in for my meager needs, or even capacity to handle sometimes.  I am enjoying it greatly.  Amazing how much so little, even winter, sun, through the cracks in the shades, can do for me.

Yes, dishes, laundry, grooming, an outing, shopping.  I am taking it slow, doing a bit at a time, maintaining a rhythmic flow, not pushing too hard or fast.  And, yet, today, I may end up doing several days worth of work.  Hopefully it will be a lead into more.  I do love to work.  And the cave needs it.

Anyway... I best check things, see were they are and when I can do what.  I wrote most of this, then became distracted.   Actually, it was something slightly different.  I remembered a friend asking if I had gotten on board with this.  I keep meaning to do so, but... SQUIRREL!  Never mind.  Later.

It's an ugly tough day.

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My body is sore, tired, uncooperative.  I feel the need for more sleep.  There is no good reason for it.  Nothing new.  I have been doing well, if rather inactive, so today comes as a bit of a surprise.

I am about to take a nap.  I set it up to take a bath when I wake.  Then I'll hit the dishes and laundry, but that will be about it for here at home.  A shower later, then dinner in town.  I missed one group event, I don't plan on missing another.  After that, on the way home, if I can push through, I hope to do a spot of grocery shopping.  Milk, juice, butter, cream, maybe some meat... perhaps a few other items.

Hmm, perhaps I'll down a few anacin when I go in to sleep.  Sleep along with painkillers tend to work best.  At least with this neck, shoulder, head, muscle and bone ache type stuff that is.  The pain is mild.  But being so very tired the pain is enhanced.  A bit of sun is sort of coming through, perhaps that will help... if it stays out.

Definitely nap time.  I'll set the alarm for noon and hope to make it up before then.  Later.

Dreams beget dreams which beget questions.

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The prince's masks and reasons for them.

Questions are what this site is about.  Answers are sought.  Answers are there own, however, and not always to be shared or known.  The search for answers, and perhaps the sharing of questions, is all that I can promise.

After discussing dreams, then exploring them with music, the glass overflowed.  Not half full, this glass, full and more and more.  So many ways thoughts of dreams could go.  Sometimes I am the artist, and craft from what is provided or available.  Sometimes I am the medium.  In this case, I suspect I was merely the medium.

How did I get to where I went in life?  A look at that life, before health failed.  And, still, a place I go even now.

Very good.

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It's been over a week since I have been back on medicine.  I missed on evening, but that is par for the course.  I have, probably, at the very best, gone without missing medication for two or three weeks.  That is rare.  One missed dose, usually night medicine, a week or two is typical.  I am not sure if that is what is helping, or if I am simply becoming used to the cold and dark of winter.  Hmm, but I do know I am attempting to use it.  Eating a few eggs for breakfast, eating other meals when possible, drinking more fluid, more regularly, of greater variety... planning for outings or events, trying to focus on hobbies, planning house work.  Even if I am not quite, or yet, getting to it, just keeping these things on the front burners in my mind will see to success more surely.

Dishes and laundry today.  Perhaps a trip to town.  And, if I can, I might test the second lens again to see if it really isn't working correctly, so whether to return it or not.  I hope to keep it, but if the zoom is bound I simply have to return it.  I did order some things for my mother last night.  Now I need to figure out one more gift this year.  I thought about this and that, but I think something simpler is in order.  I consider more interesting gifts for them, but they... have such a complex means of getting anything to them...  I don't, can't, do complicated.  I am often just on this side of awake, or even alive.

I do feel good.  I feel more rested, if fully waking is difficult when the sun simply doesn't shine for days on end.  No worries, that is winter and that is pretty much everybody.  Join the club, I hear spoken in the background.  Yeah, thanks, Joker, I shoot back.  All good.

I do hope to hit some things and get out.  Oh, and maybe continue on a short story for an anthology.  Anthology?  I think so.  I don't know if I can do it, and if I do it if it would be included.  Still... it would be interested to be printed.  I might even go on to other work if it pans out.  No, no real money in it.  That isn't always the point.  I'll have to stick with my day/night job.  And yet... it would be fun to see where that might go or take me.  It would force me to clean up my ideas, edit, and continue to think.  Another hobby.  Later.

Pushing.

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I can't seem to work.  Fine, I'll push my schedule.  It is so dark and gloomy.  Getting through the day is tough.  I may try a nap tomorrow.  I have made it well into early, even mid evening.  The hope is that by later in the week I will be able to not only be awake, but get out for an event.  Goals, hopes, aims, added to a bit of effort sometimes gets me where I need to be.  I am brutally tired though.

I may attempt to get to town tomorrow.  I want to find out where the meeting will be.  As well I wish to do grocery shopping.  I am so tired that I keep adding visiting my friend in.  That can't happen anymore.  There are things I mean to remember to tell him, and I feel guilt for not visiting, then I remember.  Yes, tired.  Though I have always had an odd relationship to remembering that someone is dead.  I would like to find out where his grave is, and perhaps visit that next week.  It will help to settle my mind, cement the notion perhaps.  Or... not.  I will feel better about it all, though, if I can get there.

Books.  Beside one I am reading, another in that sort of queue, I have ordered a few I used to have, or at least books I have portionally read.  Bits and pieces here and there.  The Book of Legends, Zohar, and the book of Enoch.  There are specific topics I am looking to find, though general stories as well.  Mostly Jewish, I believe.  I knew, as I child and young teen, I had read many sorts of books along these lines as well.  I can't recall which ones in particular.  These are books, I suspect, which have leads back to the Old Testament, or parts of it.  However, the language work done for Midrash is beyond what translated bibles would allow.  Though elements will be there, just not... the linguistic style, exact set, or exactness.  Why?  Oh... just a few things have been bugging me.  If these books don't have a clue to some thoughts, there are others I may seek.  Entertaining if nothing else.

Well, it's been good in that I have stayed up a bit longer, on my own.  Another hour later into the evening tomorrow would be good.  Good night.

Gosh... so bizarre.

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Just life.  I have been awake since 4:30~5:00.  I still haven't turned the furnace up, or fed the girls.  Though this room is cool no matter, so turning the furnace up is more for the girls and when I go in to game or watch something, as it allows me to warm up.  I have, mostly, been right here on the machine.  Reading, writing, thinking, listening.  The strange thing is, it seemed like it must be afternoon by now, for some reason.  Looking at the clock to see it is only 9:30, and my mind spilled a little wind from it's sails.  Something about being so off, or lost, in the day.

I suppose I could make eggs, watch one of the series, or two, and warm in the other room.  That might allow me to make sense of things.  Or not.  Cold, little sun, even with the furnace going life just isn't going to make solid sense in the cold and dark, not in my condition.

I had meant to get out to a KoC meeting last night, but I wasn't able.  It started just shortly before I crashed completely.  Though I knew before the crash that I was losing my ability to stay awake.  I am, just from Sunday, staying up into the early evening again.  There is another event coming up.  I can hope to make it then.  It is a bit earlier, and I have half a week to prep for it.  All one can do it try, learn from failure and success, and reset for the next opportunity.  Or quit, if that's your way.

Well... on to something else.  Later.

Not just since ill.

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Dreams.  Many sorts.  Enjoy as you may.

How many dream tomorrows?

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I do.  Sometime the easy, simple.  Sometimes it happens.  Sometimes not so easy to know, or see.  Sometimes seeming all dark.  Not all happens, or yet.

Last night I rehashed a dream from before, about a small darkness.  It wasn't so much of a reoccurrence.  It was an investigation of the first time I dreamed the events.  They didn't make sense to me the first time.  I couldn't remember how things had actually happened.  I didn't even know if some of the things I dreamed actually existed.  I have since found that that places in my dream are real.  I was so tired, in the dream, and after, that I couldn't make sense of the geometry overlaying the scene.  Last night I worked through the events to see how the actions would occur, at least according to that dream.  Now I know, if I am beginning to wonder if that line of potential is finished.  I don't like to say that.  I actually can't say that with any certainty.

I hope it doesn't happen.  I believe, because of this and that, what lead to the accident has been mitigated.  For now.  I don't know if seeing and writing has altered that potential future.  I sure hope so.  It is never good to see real people die, and for silly reasons that really don't pan out when held up to the light.  A little more speed doesn't really matter over such a short distance.  I am not sure why I dreamed about it.  Oddly, I always feel guilty when I see and even if I say someone gets hurt or killed.  I don't really have any power to do anything.  It just seems that if I see it, perhaps I made it.  Not true, probably.  I don't feel guilty about the apocalypse I see on the horizon though, neither the little or big one.  Those are collective choices, the only thing collectivism assures.  That is up to men, completely... at least the timing.

A bit early, 4:30 or so when I woke.  Good enough.  I have the alarm set for 8:00, to feed the girls.  I will, after a bit, have a cup of coffee or two.  With the dishes in a final soapy soak, I will hit those after all that, then put a load of laundry in.  I have a meeting this evening, and then an event this Friday.  I need to get clothes and such cleaned and be ready.  I am feeling a bit odd this morning.  Just a little bloat and upset in the middle.  Nothing that anyone else doesn't have from time to time for no good reason.  Life, keep up or get out of the way, whether it's trying to hold you down or God speed you to your destiny?  Yeah.  All good.  Later.

Some, not all.

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The dishes were hit.  That allowed me to get in and shower before setting them back for another soak.  Then a trip to town.  I took care of some of what was needed, not all.  I could not make it to the grocery store.  Soon, I hope.  Bits, pieces, I will keep trying.  So very tired.  Oh, and no photography.  I was sad about that.  Some of the places I was at offered extremely wonderful vantages, and the weather, terrain, and partial snow cover provided would, to my eye, could only be considered astounding potential.  Whether any shot would have turned out or whether my eye is any good?  The only way to every find out is to take some snappies and print them.  I didn't have the energy though, I just didn't.

I'll keep at it.  Perhaps, with such short windows of sunlight, and being overcast even less, I just can't quite push on through.  Not fully.  What I am doing is, given what I have to work with, not bad.  It just isn't great, or even good.  It is simply not bad.  And... better than it has been.  I'll keep at it.

I am truly hoping to set up my hammock in the back yard, set up the tarp, and begin figuring out winter camping.  If I can do that, I might work at some other things.  Camping just slightly off the trail, not too far up, somewhere.  Little things.  I am not sure how well winter photography works.  Too cold and there would be trouble.  Heating things too quickly, say near a fire or in some other similar way and there would be trouble too.  And wet just doesn't work for electronics.  No, just camping, if I can get to it.  The gear I have is okay, though not really up to par for serious cold.  I would need an under baffle and perhaps a surround wrap, plus what I have.  Though to what temp what I have would work is another thing.  Actually, I think the mummy water wrap for my .mil sleeping system might actually do really well for a wrap.  All I really need is a baffle under the hammock to hold more heat/insulate generally.  As my system is, I can probably take a typical night down to 0 F, without wind.  Wind would be a show-stopper.  And, if we get another snow before long, it would be fun to traipse about with the snowshoes.  With enough snow.  Well, that is sort of the plan.

Later.

Portrait photography.

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I have an interesting in taking pictures of people as well as landscapes.  There might be other interests, but for now, those are my focus.  And yet there is a great deal of range in there.  I doubt if you could cover every type of each, even in a long career as a professional.  You might do all types of work, but you just won't perfect each are.  Between natural talent and interest limits, personal preferences, and the simple eye to work in various formats.  Oh, I suppose, there might be a genius out there who really does have it all down.

I really have been interested in black and white.  So, when one of the guru's of youtube suggested to start with black and white, the learning assignment was not a terrible burden.  Long ago I saw the potential for black and white, and dug into what could be done with it.  Both with the camera, using certain lenses, and in post process.  In many ways, I am a strong believer in man.  Not in self-salvation, but in them being the only things worth saving.  The rest, while valuable and precious, is merely here to see men through to their fate, and salvation or otherwise.  Here is a video example of what can be done in post processing.  Now, you could do this to people before hand, if they had make-up skills or you had a make-up artist on set.  But that just doesn't work for most people, even pro photographers always.  So, there is Lightroom and some other programs.

Days and nights ordered.

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Staying up later yesterday was murder.  And I forced myself to stay in bed through the night.  Neither always works, both are necessary, and some luck is involved.  While not quite scientific, the scientific is more engineering and art, if they become practical.  Even then outcomes, for my efforts or scientific are questionable.  Believe whatever you wish, just don't hold your breath about it.

It is good today.  Perhaps some very minor aches and pains.  Maybe a little bit of fog on the noggin.  These things are of such minor natures as to be almost tickles.  A shower, after a bit.  In to town later this morning or early afternoon.  A spot of business and social call, perhaps another social call, a meal in there somewhere, and a shopping stop.  Oh, and I may take my camera and some kit in, visit a park, and take some snappy snaps.  If a folk or three would allow me to photograph them, I would like to start working on post process edumacation.  I have seen amazing things that can be done in post process.  I have been hungering to play in there.  It's a bit daunting, keeping track of the original, knowing which copy is what...  Though with RAW files, so I am told, the original will remain stowed away safely and processes can be removed from any touched digital print at any time.  Still... only in time will trust about that be had.  As I mentioned, I will be taking pictures in black in white.  Though, from what I have read and heard to this point, if taken in RAW, black and white is merely a presentation.  The RAW file itself will still have color, it just needs to be brought out in post process, though perhaps even on the camera.

No dreams lately.  Pushing days and nights either enhances dreaming or shuts it down.  The latter this time.  Medicine is back on track.  I think the little discomfort I have is due to medicine bounces.  Now if I can just keep up with it I should see my way through.  Bleh.  Oh, I do try children.  Hmm... on to a bit of coffee and waking, then perhaps a load of dishes and a shower.  And then to gather laundry for when I return.  Don't want to put a load in, not knowing how long I will be and with the great potential of forgetting it in the washer.  All good.  Later.

Not all, enough.

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It seems silly to be pleased with getting just a bit done.  Silly it is, if needs be.  I did get one of the ducks delivered.  I found out that one of the ducks I had hoped to deliver just wouldn't make sense.  All good, I'll find a home for several more ducks, then keep the remainder for my meals.  A duck is a lot of food for one.  though, just as with a turkey for a regular family, a duck can be split out and parsed over time for a single.  I need to find a recipe for orange, or mixed fruit, glaze.  However, if research doesn't go forth or pan out I can do my usual.  That is quite favorable, and I know that already.  At least to my tastes.

I was asked to join the couple in an ice cream social.  Just a small affair, but quite entertaining.  The Mrs, it turns out, is preparing to be a mother.  Delicate.  Quite a thing.  A change in life that is more profound than I can put in words.  I suppose you have to have been there.  All good news.  A good deal of talking.  I hope I didn't batter their ears to bleeding.  Hmm, though I sometimes say to much.  I know my story well enough that I think little of it.  I forget how... dark it must seem.  And that was just the party scene I discussed.  Never mind.

It is pleasing to see another generation, even if just here, now, choosing to repay their ancestors with the blood debt of life.  Hmm... yeah, probably too dark.  Thankfully I didn't discus that.  Still, here, you are in my mind.  Yes, I will be attempting to do the same before too long.  I might be delusional about any prospect.  Though who knows.  Time, as discussed earlier, does tell all.  And men brave to make, or even attempt to make, a future, a truth, a reality.  Or they don't.  I choose to weather the doubt.  Suffering success or failure all the same.  So it was, is, and will be.  Amen.

Then on to town, for a quick fast food bite.  Some of which I shared with the girls.  Not too much.  While I love to share, I do consider their health.  They really aren't geared to eat cooked meats and certainly not vegetables, fruits, or grains.  Raw meat does my ladies well.  Still, they just want a little of what I eat so as to know they are valued.  And so they do, from time to time.

Ah, one other thing.  We were discussing chickens.  It seems they lost a mess of them recently.  Bird flu or some such.  So they will be buying a new batch for next year.  The Mrs, especially, after hearing my interest and trepidation decided to talk me into buying some when they order more this spring.  Gah!  Women!  Yeah, they do have a way about them, innit?  So, this spring, I will be getting a small clutch.  Clutch?  Just layers, for now.  If it works, and I end up with a small group and a rooster (or two), I may, if it all works out, give a go at putting some fryers in the queue then freezer.  We will see.  Yes, I really do want eggs, and I really do want fryers.  One thing at a time, but this is one thing, and on queue.  Oh yes, fresh eggs are a treasure.  I best begin figuring out my hen house.  Electrical supply, water and feed, bedding and cleanliness.  Yeah... we will see.  Me and my big mouth!  And yet, blessedly... me and my big mouth.  *grins*

Later.

Something.

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Not much.  A call.  An attempt to arrange a visit tomorrow while I do other business.  Another call shortly.  Ducks, even frozen ones, may fly yet.  As well, perhaps an outing in order to procure an easy lunch.  I finished the last of the roast beef sometime in the late night or early morning.  Sliced on a diagonal, topped with jalapeno jack, and heated just right.  Hmm, and, if it all works out, and I do leave the cave, perhaps I'll bring the bins back and take out what little trash there is.  Yes, keep up on that.  A must.

I have been doing pretty good with medicine, and getting better.  I still miss from time to time, and more than I should like.  Going back on it can be smooth or smooth as broken glass and slum whiskey as a cocktail.  I have been taking really good care of the girls.  When all else fails, they get what I have, little as that may be.  Now that I have their litter cleared, the one thing I can stumble regarding, I have been keeping it up.

Yeah, I'll try to make at least one delivery.  And then a trip to town.  When I return, perhaps laundry, maybe a hit on the dishes I have soaking and a rinse or reset on a soapy soak if they are still rough.  Maybe.  Not sure what I can actually do.  I just know I'd like to push my day back into the day.  Time tells what all else can't... the truth of things.  Later.

Great minds think, and act, alike?

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Oh, I might suggest it to be true.  Whether it makes them laugh or cry, the truth is what sets them free.  I'll be gentle on you for this moment.  Belief isn't necessary so long as the reaction proves the point.  Love me some pudding.  You?  *wink*

Oh, showers can be divine.

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They do say cleanliness is next to Godliness, if I think that is a stretch.  No, not quite divine.  Though, within the secular realm I suppose it could be true.  All I know is that a shower was wonderful.

I woke at some point with a massive nose bleed.  I caught it just in time to stop it up and go back to sleep.  As well, a massive headache.  My pillow was off, in spite of it being exactly as it has been for weeks at least.  Huh?  Don't ask.  I honestly cannot understand why things change like that.  Physiology is analog rather than digital, I guess.  Things change.

I am in pretty rough general shape.  Other than the headache, it isn't a painful situation.  It is simply not very productive.  I don't have more than a load of laundry, so I may try to get that going and through tonight.  Dishes are mostly done as well.  With the shower kicked out, I may hit them again.  The cave, in general, however, is... rough.  I don't know when I can get back to that.  Men are not housekeepers.  Ask any judge!

I am heading toward function.  It is just very hit or miss.  For all I know this is as good as it will get for a while.  The cold and lack of sun sort of do what they do.  It's not that I am picky, it's that my body is.  And I keep slipping on medicine.  I do my best but that isn't always all that good.  I'll just keep at things.

I am hoping to pull some of the RAW files over to the laptop, especially of the girls, and work them into something I might attempt uploading and displaying.  I may, in time, create a web page just for photography.  I'll let some of you know where, if I do such.  But it won't be directly linked.  Most folk can't handle this page.  Heck, I can't always deal with it.  It won't be a pro-page, just a photographic tinkerer's forum, or symposium, or... something.  Presentation?  Yeah.  Working on what I do with photos in post process, what kit I use and how I use it, exploring light and shadow, defining iso, shutter speed, and aperture uses.  Mostly just saying what I am doing and thinking while inviting others to comment or advise, or just watch and learn.  My next project, other than two I have ongoing photographically, will be black and white photography in order to explore shadow and contrast a bit.  Not as artsy as it seems, more just a realization that I am... black and white blind?  I need to learn shadow and contrast.  More dumb learning than haute photographe.  

On to waking.  Coffee, probably a new pot, more of the series I am watching, perhaps a few eggs in a bit.  Later.

The ducks arrived.

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Oh, I know.  I wanted one, for Christmas... give or take, and to pass a few around.  It's just a unique sort of food, something many people have never tried.  And, tis the season, innit?

I had planned to just do my usual, score the skin and use sauerkraut stuffing.  It turns out well, if fairly... hmm... savory.  I must admit, after trying the goose done that way I am more inclined to try something a bit more like that.  Now, there is no way I can do that much.  I can, however, do something partial.  Maybe.  I'm thinking an initial fruit stuffing, then replacing that with sauerkraut.  Yeah, it's still a lot of work, but no where close to the goose deal.  After the fruit has been cooked, then blendered, then use it as a baste.  The skin of the duck should be well browned by then.  Just a thought.

I was fearful about the ducks showing up when I was asleep.  I couldn't find the email that offered a link to a delivery company.  Sometimes, often, it has been below freezing out there.  But not today.  I was sure glad to see it had finally arrived, and that the birds hadn't thawed a bit.  Oh, and with the big freezer clear, cleaned, cleaned a couple more times, dried, and back in action... all good.  I hope to begin getting those out at the first of the month.  One prize per season, so I'll be sending these out to other folk.  Some in gratitude one way, some in another way.  Though mostly just glad to have neighbors who haven't decided to stone me or chase me off... so far.

My days have twisted around, so that I am up until early afternoon.  I have something Monday, and dinner tomorrow, and I need to get the garbage bins back in.  I actually haven't created trash, mostly, this week.  Less than a bag.  And, with it being freezing out there, no need to push getting nearly empty bins to the curbs.  So... probably no trash this week.  Still, I ought to get the bins back.  Tacky.  :p  Later, or good night.

Well?

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I am still in a bit of a bind.  I am feeling good.  I am sleeping well.  Medicine is back to clockwork and all up to dose.  It just doesn't seem to matter as to function.  I cannot seem to do... almost anything.  I'll keep at it, get to it when I can, keep looking for opportunity.  I am so off that I am very comfortably numb.  That, actually, makes function very difficult.  It is analogous to freezing to death.  At some point the world just seems too far away.  The pain isn't as bad as the effort to come back to the world.  No, not dying, just... resting.  Medicine might, eventually help me through.  I might be able to wake enough before long.  Or it might not be until spring.

I have been able to do a few minor things.  I was able, through tinkering and research, to bring my laptop back into play.  I had the wi-fi turned off.  Looks like someone had turned it on.  Further, they had done some partial update for win 8.1.  Not good.  Now my machine is begging for win 10.  Even with wi-fi off and updates not allowed, this device proactively tried to install that crap.  Thankfully I have a "picture" of the harddrive pre-attack.  I believe I will be able to take it all back.  I also believe I had the lightroom installed on the 'image'.  But that does indicate how desperate and brutal microsoft has become.  No one wants their stuff.  They think they are a god, and demand, beg, plead, cheat, and steal to gain our love.  That's not how it works.  The reason the old gods* fell out of favor was because the provided nothing but psychotically thieving, lying, cheating, and horrible advocates whose only love and favor was for themselves and their own.  Much like bureaucracies of today.  So, it seems you can't even say no, not really.  The hacker IS your OS provider.

Still, I have the machine back to where I can get on and edit pictures.  The password whoever installed when updating and whatever else they did is now gone.  I didn't do that part.  And, yes, I had a solid, as good as it gets, security suite installed.  Those, most likely, are beholding to microsoft.  To even work with the OS they have to let m.s. do whatever it wants, right through their security.  Much as .gov can force that allowance.

I have a number of photos I wish to work with.  Christmas lights from last year, Sam, the house, and perhaps shortly, Sassy.  I got some neat ones of Sam.  She's okay with photos being taken, however, she wants to mark thus own my camera.  Not going to happen.  And yet, it lends to some potential for some cool photos.  I think they turned out ok, but I really need to import them and view them larger.  She is a willful girl, and I may have captured some of that.

I have what gear I have, for a while.  I have too many expenses coming in to even think about another lens, especially a pricey one, for quite some time.  I have a few other, potential, expenses coming up that... while sat... will also really have to see a change in my purchase practices of late.  All good.  No problems.  It works.  If it works.  If not, it doesn't.  Still, I can keep studying, practicing (thankfully no film or developing costs), and doing other research.  I really do hope to learn to take pictures well enough to be considered a limited professional.  I need something to bright up the place.  And... I need incentives to get out.  When I can get back to that.  I live in the perfect local, even state.  If you are into natural landscapes, even some cityscapes, wildlife, and many various terrains, this is the place to be.  Rivers, lakes, mountains, deserts, white-water to flat, and things no other state truly has in such abundance.  The wildlife exists because many of those places are not suitable for human habitat or other human needs.

Here is an example of the videos I am reviewing.  Now, I don't just eat it, like candy.  I experiment and test.  In this one, for example, I don't completely agree.  I do like spot metering.  There are caveats.  For moving objects, sports, and some other such, yeah, I get why spot won't work, or as well.  Though it may be possible.  I am not, at the moment, quite sure how good the photographer would need to be.  Much like hunting a duck with a rifle versus a shotgun?  Maybe.  Depends a bit on which choke, what powder, what weight, and ball size, on the one side.  Still, I do understand what he is talking about enough to experiment.  Though I really need to get some other things down more exactly, such as how to set the various options in the various modes, when exactly to use specific modes, and such.  I understand that, for example, if I want a specific depth of field, and will have to be compensating on the fly for all of the variables, aperture priority mode used to set and forget while I muss with the shutter speed and iso can make a shoot much easier for a timed singular event.  If I can go back until I get the shot, then tinkering might be better.  Each mode, method, and variable can be tied off or free-handed.  But knowing when, how, why... and just knowing of mind is not enough.  It has to become natural.  You just know.  Much like driving.  When it is a bit icy, you know to stop further ahead.  And, to be honest, that takes a lot of near or actual mistakes, years of getting one's emotions in hand and gaining focus.  So it is with photography.  Better one shot at a time, but without any guarantee.  Such is life itself.

Oh, right. Now, for the most part...

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It isn't children that I frighten.  I do frighten however.  I don't get that, and you should be told the truth.  Strange how even adults are similar.  Yeah, they revoked my membership... pretty much everywhere.  Just saw the scene as I was watching one of those programs tonight.  When the iron maiden shoe fits, I suppose?

How to find gear?

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I look, listen, and read when I consider gear, or even what gear to consider.  I don't need gear that is designed specifically for macro photography, for example.  Sure, as I explore my camera, if I end up enjoying that sort of thing, then I might consider adding the notion more into the consideration of what gear to buy in the first place, and what features for gear.  So, knowing what you want to do, and for me it is rather simple photography, will lead me to choices of gear and features on that gear.  Cool.

As to narrowing things down, experts can be useful, with limits.  They will spend a fortune on glass, bodies, and gear as much for a tax write-off as for experimenting.  A really successful photographer can spend, and probably should spend, a fortune on gear.  Tax write-offs are dear for high income earners (and their accountant(s)).  The risk they take is minimized by write-offs and high income shoots.  As a non-pro, my risk is that I might get stuck with a less than optimal gear setup.  However, the artistic and casual shooters have their limits as well.  They are less likely to take a risk on a higher priced gear rig, and so really might not know.  It's sort of the difference between haute cuisine and hotdogs.  Neither, really, fits for daily daily.  By needs or artificial inducements, both can work.

So, what I do, is read, watch, listen.  I listen to the pros, I seek amateurs with some experience, I look at the art set.  Then I look at what features each likes, rather than the actual gear they are suggesting is best.  One thing you find is that gear gets better each year, at the high end.  It just does.  How long that takes to filter down to amateur use is another thing.  Of course, at the bottom of the amateur (Chinese junk) rating, you will be very unhappy.  Perhaps worse, if for example you purchase a pod mount which is rated to handle your camera, but doesn't at the cost of some pricey glass.  While that can happen at every level, it is more likely at the lower levels.  As well, suing a big name is more likely to produce returns, if a win can be had, than suing some Chinese company that, when enough lawsuits accrue, will simply sell out to someone else in the family, scrubbing lawsuits in the transaction.

I end up looking for the features, learning brand names, looking for new higher quality brands, and seeking feature sets.  Sometimes it takes a very long time to find just the right kit.  Sometimes reading reviews, especially negative ones, will path the way to better gear.  Quite often I end up choosing gear that has the features, but is being produced by a new company that has to sell for less in order to compete.  Avoid first gen stuff, more so but not completely from new companies.  I would not buy, for example, a Nikon d900 (if that were to pop).  A d910, maybe.  A d950 more like.  I like a gen or two beyond the first.  Though, with some things, with enough positives, some risk is worth it.

Oh, I have decided on the lens.  Too late for Christmass.  And I won't be able to buy it, I would guess, for at least three months.  I will be saving money for it, a third each month.  Or as I may.  Until I have two-thirds rolled, and money for the other things, such as the beef to half a beef this spring and a pig shortly, I won't plan on buying it.  It's a 28-300 mm f/4.5-5.6.  There is better, there is worse.  It is, essentially a literal lensatic swiss army knife.  Definitely not pro.  Some limits on a fx body (made for dx-crop sensor).  Between this and that it is a single, relatively light, reasonably sharp, cross-sensor possible, lens.  I want something for when I really can't work a field with my legs from exhaustion or illness.  I will usually, when I travel, take a number of lenses.  Some will be much sharper than this.  But they will require focusing with my feet, setting up the shot a bit to a lot more functionally, and such.  And I will probably use them.  But only when I can.  Funny thing?  This lens is far and away better than many of the lenses they have used up to even 20 years ago.

Seekers.

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A dream.  Some number of folk came to me while I was dreaming.  I had a production running, though I can't remember what it was.  It wasn't an important dream, so I left it to welcome my guests.  At first I thought it was just a dream redirect.  After a bit that seemed as if it was not the case.  As I have waken, and thought about it, I am staying with the notion that it wasn't just a dream.  Whether they visited consciously or not, and as a intentional group or not, I cannot tell.  Curiosity was strong in each participant, that is all I could tell.

Questions.  One primary, that I remember, but others.  How, I was asked, can I use a video, phrase, word, picture, to mean one thing now, and something totally, seemingly, unrelated later?  Isn't that a form of cheating?  Is it poor form?  Is it even reasonably possible, even if it seems to fit?  It seems like it should be an unpossibility.  I merely listened, trying to wrap my mind around what they were suggesting, what that really meant, and what their questions seemed to imply, which part of what they were discussing was the part in question, and how those questions worked mechanically, ideologically, and in other ways perhaps.

I think I got what they meant.  A simple example would be using a video to describe emotions this time, regarding one subject, then next time use that same video to describe a purely mechanical idea, in a totally different field the next time it is used.  Oh, yes, I had, myself, realized I did that.  I had never thought too much about it though.  I just did, couldn't see a reason to question it.  At least I knew what they were asking.  Any thoughts regarding it, however, would be spur of the moment, subject to change should I consider it more beyond the dream walking conversation.

Ah, right.  While it may not be as satisfying, it is just as true.  I asked them to multiply 10 by 1?  The answer, after a bit of thought to make sure it wasn't a trick, was 10.  Fine, now... 27, 3, 68, 92, 18, each multiplied by 1?  Well, 27, 3, 68, 92, 18.  Right.  So, how can all these varied numbers come to be what they are and were, all multiplied by the same number?  Well, it's due to the properties of 1.  Right.  I told them, as I have written here, I am not a teacher.  If I happen to teach that is merely because someone happens to learn.  Neither will I lead, not the many, not in the way men see things.  I suggest they find wise men and listen, then as men find their true way or as women find a more direct wise man to lead.  I left them with the notions, and went back to sleep, looking to see if I could find the tail of the dream I had lost while entertaining my guests.

No, I wasn't at all fussed about the visit.  And any are always welcome.  I don't know that I can help.  I only know how to respond as best as I may, humbly really because it isn't mine.  It was a bit unusual.  It has happened before, though a rare thing.  Company is almost always welcome.  Only if I am too weak from being tired, or too ill prepared and unable to change that.  In dreams I can be as I am.  The Teacher has come and gone.  He... can still teach, in odd ways.  He has taught me much, but in much the way I teach now... according to the want and will of the student, not directly, but as surely as is possible and even sometimes in dreams.

I am 1.  Next to me is 0, the null set.  And next to that is infinity.  I am much more humble than either, smaller than any, but with a specific set of properties that are unique.  No number is more or less, in one sense.  Each, given it's properties, has great use and function.  It is knowing what you are and using that to it's full potential that will allow you to find some small fulfillment here and some even greater fulfillment there.  Do not be jealous of the ways or will of another.  Don't get caught up on which came first, which is greater, look only to purpose and free yourself.

Decisions.

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I decided to make photography the object of my Christmas purchase this year.  I really wanted to buy a better long zoom lens.  I have been doing minor research regarding them for a while and was almost sure I had one that would work.  As the time to grit my teeth, pull the plug, and spend the money arrived I simply couldn't do it.  There are 28-300mm, 70-300, 80-300, 70-200, pick one.  Prices range from $4-500 new on up to... how much do you have?  I have below 70 covered, well.  I have one prime, though would like to purchase several more primes.  But the next lens I want is that larger long zoom.

I have been considering, in time, another camera.  Initially I was considering a step down, a toss and go camera.  There are a number problems with that, more than solutions.  So I have decided that a step up will be the way I go, which means the glass (lenses) need to be better, and won't need internal drives.  While pictures will turn out better, crisper, cleaner, the price for the glass that proofs the body also goes up.  And goes up by a lot.  The camera I am considering, unless they come out with a step up (I like) between now and then, is the d750.  And, very possibly, as often as dogs are released, or gimmick cameras, I may stick with the d750 regardless.  The next gen might be offering, say, 50mp.  The cards for those, if they are quite out yet, are running at $500.  And... can you imagine how much cropping you might well need to do?  Printing won't catch up with that well enough to truly use that much... anything.  So, lens focus, not the focus of the lens mind you, has changed a bit.  And that through the decision making process just a bit off.

As is, though, there is another piece of equipment I have been considering.  I have a tripod.  Cheap but effective.  It is good for static shooting.  There is better, and in time perhaps, if I prove out in photography more, I might consider better.  But what I really have been looking for is a monopod that has it all.  Though I didn't have a lot of time to consider, I spent that time well, wisely.  There are more expensive monopods.  I don't think there is much better.  None have all of the features, even more expensive monopods.  Of those which have similar features, usually costing more to much more, those features are weaker.  Not only can this "monopod" act as a sort of tripod, and double as both a short 'tripod' and stick pod, it has all the best features of any kit I've seen, and then some.  Here is a review.

With friends like these who needs doctors!?!

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I shouldn't say doctors, more psychopathogens.  I keep hearing, in more and less direct phraseologistical pronouncements, that genius and madness aren't even half a twist off, that often they are the same thing.  I can't say that I agree.  Though if true, who, as I do agree, isn't mad?  Most don't apply it as directly as others.  Not all who do more directly apply it even apply it in the same way.  Women are mostly neurotically psychotic, but only if they do or don't get their way.  Like our little Alice in Wonderland.  The Red Queen was just her alter ego who was given everything and Alice was the part of her mind that had to work for it.  Both quite mad.  Though women don't make any better insane people than they do authors, inventors, or self-developing businessmen (hence why many things were and should still be call xxxxxx.men... like congressmen.  "Well I never!"  I bet you did, sister, and frequently.

As for me?  If I am mad than the bible is wrong, myth is wrong, even legend is wrong.  Now, to a degree, I will admit that it is.  What I won't agree regarding is that it is all wrong.  Much as the bible on to modern texts teach something that might not be exact, or for a fact with modern texts that is outright wrong, in order to get past a minor understanding or avoid an area that is too complex at the level of the learner in that text (or just as often because modern theorists disagree, and use massive artistic license).  However, I tell you, with no doubt in my mind, that what I suggest will happen, with the players I suggest.  When?  If Christ didn't know, don't look to me for that day and hour.  As I have also said, we will all go through an end.  Whether alone or, in various finalities, as herds.  Keep the oil on hand, trim those wicks, and do not fall asleep.  The Groom is coming, and before him the riders, and before the riders the secular will get their way much to their chagrin.  They are actively making my kin, thinking my kin will do their will.  When have lords abided fleas?  In a purely worldly, secular, manner, that is how that works.  Actually, if that process of procuring super soldiers is going as strongly as I suspect, the coup may have happened or is nearing.  No, you may well not know it has happened.  Nephilim have ruled many times, and learned to not enrage or scatter the sheep upon which they will feed, figuratively and literally... at least not until enough of their assets are in play.

This isn't a conspiracy of which I speak.  This has been known since I was a boy the first time.  If I tender coin of the demesne of mental fragility, it is in that I confuse the voice and thoughts about whom I dream, have visions, thoughts, and daydreams as my own.  Perhaps they are not.  I only claim it, fully, for sure, as the being from my dreams.  Enough sights and sounds those ways and any would begin to suspect, or at the least confuse, self with the subject.  Especially if certain exterior events and sources line up.  Then again, neither do I claim absolutely, nor deny.  If anything, I just suggest the possibility, perhaps probability, having various levels and faiths in such from day to day.  Though, as with rain or snow, I will know it is true when it is, well, raining or snowing.

Now, I have edges of potential madness.  I have suggested such.  This just isn't even one of them.  My madness is believing I will ever be a good housekeeper, after generations of effort.  When my health doesn't fail, my incompetence in the arena does.  When I get an area finally beaten into submission, I usually can go no further and begin falling behind.  Madness, to my life, is knowing I can't do something yet keeping up the hope and effort.  Then again, on this, I don't have another way.  I would need a small fleet, or one dedicated, keeper of the cave.  Well, that isn't the only area.  Trying to stay focused while my mind is so nebulous...  When it does focus, it can do wonders.  It has things to do.  Though I have to admit, when challenged, it takes that process, sticks it in a queue, and bakes it until it is ready.  Unless there is never a good way to do so.  Though it can just as happily spit out the answer in a dream as in waking life, or anywhere between those two.  Bleh.

Oh, just... answering some psychic feedback.  I was dreaming about some of this all night, and laughing.  Dealing with women is like dealing with a cat, sometimes.  One that isn't happy about, say, your beard, yet is furry all over.  They never see it, either.  They see something wrong with you while not realizing how much is wrong with them.  Often disqualifying them as proper critics.  *meow*  But they certainly aren't the only ones.  Many men believe only in the secular these days.  No matter how much of the bible they have read, they don't believe in nephilim, angels, the mark of Cain, or even, quite often, that there are objective truths that are higher than the laws of man.  No matter what they say, the truth is they are disbelievers.  The pressure, in many churches, is to dissuade literal belief and solid believers.  I was surprised to hear this pope openly laugh at and mock priests who do believe.  That squared up this pope exactly.  As that of a disbeliever, a worldly, rollypolly, probably homosexual, reprobate.  But he isn't alone in the clerical field.  In these days he fits right in.  I am surprised the mainstream churches haven't joined.  I suppose it's more of an argument over who gets what from the kitty, at this point.  Oh, don't look to my church, look to your own.  I love my faith, just not the mooks who have, and often do, end up entertaining themselves as the arbiters of my faith.

Someone suggested that their faith is based on a specific man.  If your faith isn't based on Christ, then you have no faith, no way.  Men will fail, it's a guarantee.  Do not put your banner in with those of men.  The more worldly the more false.  Your faith is your own, and either it is your strength and your shield, or it is not.  Just don't base it on Johnny or Jane, Bill, or Hank.  They, and thus you, will fail.

Well... Later.

You ought to get out more often.

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Thankfully, for you, I don't.  As I have mentioned, I used to run to danger.  Then I ran away.  Neither got me where I wished to go.  So I started running by standing still, not to where I wished to go but toward where I needed to be.  As such, while I run to exactly where I should via motionlessness, for the most part, I have time to get out for you.  Musically to be sure.  Though there is some hope it isn't just music.  Not my business or problem either way.

Ouch.

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Probably going back and forth on medicine, toss in pushing more on some days than others, oh and sleep being a bit off.  Not a major set of pains.  Shoulders, neck, and a solid headache.  A handful of anicin, along with medicine, should treat most of it.  A honking bloody nose too, to start my day.  I'll figure it all out before too long.  Maybe I just slept wrong?  No, it's medicine, work, and staying up beyond when my body was comfortable.  Stay up to midnight, if you are a day person, just push through.  Even if you have time to sleep in, that doesn't always help.

My second lens is in.  They are both midrange zooms.  This is all manual, for sure.  There simply isn't a drive in the lens at all.  I wanted that to practice with manual/manual/manual.  With the other lens somewhat autofocus, assuming I set the aperture and program that, if manual adjustments might advised, I can take that on the road.  The manual operated lens is purely for practice and/or for stationary shoots.  Though, perhaps in time, various amounts of movement might be attempted, to truly test skills.  There is a method to my madness.  And that is only part of it.  No one believes until they realize I have thought myself through the second story window and into the larder for a sandwich, then a nap, while everyone else was fussing about what I should or shouldn't do.  *zzz*  :p

Today is going to be kept simple.  Clearing out the last of the dishes and the containers and siphon I used to finish the freezer.  Maybe, if I get that, another shower.  And, just maybe, a run to town for a bite in the late night.  I have taken night medicine, haven taken morning medicine as I was going to bed.  Yeah, sometimes you have to stand things on their head.  Though I best change the waterpill from morning to night so that I will be awake while it is function.  Yeah, that's how my life often works.  I've had worse.  Actually, death isn't the worst.  There are things out there much worse than death and I am one of the few people absolutely qualified to know and tell you.  Still, this bad is only good in a comparative, not absolute, way.  I'll certainly take better should it become available.

Hmm... maybe a music post after this.  I actually wrote this... three, four... five?... hours ago?  Yeah.  It got set aside for this or that, then that or this, and then just because.  So, yeah, I'll wring a couple of posts seemingly back to back.  I have the other already in mind.  Hmm... well... maybe, but not right away.  Just can't get it quite to settle and fit.  Later tonight, maybe.

Pushed on through.

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Enough to get to the post office.  While I was out, I saw that it was recycling day.  My recycling bin is full, so, out it went while I was at it.  I am baked though.  Done.  I thought about calling the V.A. for medicines.  Not today.  Far too tired.  I did set my medicine up for a month and there was enough.  I am beginning to get low, so... soon.  I need to keep that in mind and hope, on some morning when nothing else can be done, that a resupply might be ordered... and an appointment with the doctor.

The cave is seeming better.  A lot better.  I am getting back to work, sometimes more, sometimes less, though daily for the last four, maybe five, days.  Nothing fancy but it sure beats just sitting like a lump.  Even if I am dying, no reason to just sit around waiting for it.  Might as well work my way to it.  Though, as I have suggested, I am simply not that lucky.  Unless, as I have also suggested, "lucky" as in the name of the dog with one eye and ear, only three legs, no tail, and a bit of brain damage.  Alive and... what... skittering along?  *grins*  Yeah, I really could be lucky, in that sense.

I suppose I ought to prepare for bed.  I'll be crashing hard, and probably quickly.  I just hope I haven't pushed to where it gets messy.  Though that's one of those 99 non-bitch things I like to foster.  Good night.

Ha!

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I really wasn't sure I would get to the trash.  I wanted to tend the cat litter first.  I could do one and not the other, not so much the other way around.  Cat litter can fill a kitchen can, if it is partially full already.  I did get it out, then to the curb.  Yeah, there was something a little south of the border in the main bag.  The others aren't usually too bad, just getting minor paper and maybe occasional food items.  But the main kitchen one... nasty.  When I dump refrigerator experiments, or meat that has gone bad, that is where it goes.  I usually attempt to only toss such things right about when I am going to take the trash out.  Though sometimes, like last week, it doesn't end up actually being taken out.

The cave is starting to seem better.  My eye(s) are clearing.  It is even starting to look better, in a few select venues.  I am hoping to get to the post office today.  I'm just not sure I can stay up much longer.  Nor am I at all sure I would be able to wake if I went to bed now.  The post office closes at noon.  I will give staying up a shot, I believe.  I also want to see if it is recycling day.  None of my neighbors had their garbage out.  Hmm...  Oh, perhaps folk were gone for Thanksgiving and simply haven't returned?  No, one of my neighbors, across the street... well, a car has been in and out of the drive.  Though who knows.  I'll see before long, if I can make it.  At least the trash is out and ready.

Doing better and not.  I am working.  I am feeling sort of okay.  When I have to push to stay awake though, it gets a bit ugly.  Hey, but I did get a batch of kefir out.  Just a quart, I need more milk.  I can't get that until Tuesday, it's often not in the stores.  But that should do for now.  I've washed the kefir grains a couple of times, fed them up, and they should be ready for full batches Tuesday.  Good stuff.  It does make me a bit nervous.  But so does everything else... women, my cooking, your cooking, politics, economics, war, peace, success, failure.  Thankfully I have my sanity.

Later.  Quit laughing, damn it!

Goose.

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I really didn't ask for it.  I made it quite clear that the gift was not quid quo pro.  I would like to hear how it was served, whether it was enjoyed, and such.  Even that wasn't truly a requirement.  More of a hope that sometime in social or business affairs I might hear back.  No more, no pressure.

Still, tonight I was gifted with a share.  The particular Mrs. who prepared the bird took exceptional diligence in the production.  Tropical and citric fruits were used in the first baking, which both rendered the fat and produced a fruit glaze.  At some point the bird and fruit were parted.  Then perhaps more baking, until the breasts were completed to the point they were to be finished for that sort of cooking.  The rest of the bird was allowed to be completed.  Then, with the fats, the various parts were seared.  With some of the fats and giblets, a gravy was produced.  Now, I am probably getting this and that detail incorrect.  I will simply say that this sort of cooking is... hrmm... rare these days.

As for the finished product?  I have eaten fine meals in my life.  This is as good as any I have enjoyed at the most expensive, and even expensive and legitimate restaurants I have been privy.  This is a meal to write, or at least call these days, home about.  My guess is most people haven't had such a dining experience in... many moons.  The rarity of the ingredients, the level of care in the production, the skill brought.  A gastronomic symphony.  Next year I'm going to have to see what she can do with a rib roast.  *grins*  She shouldn't have tempted me!  Though I don't think anything too bad will come of it.

Doing what I have done, so far, has pretty much wiped me out.  And yet I really want to attempt to get the trash out.  I really want to get that out.  Between tending that and the freezer, life might become a bit more pleasant.

Oh, one more scattering of gifts.  I have ordered ducks.  I know a few folk who I have small debts, as I see, regarding.  And one younger couple who, I suspect, are having to make due.  It's good to gift, so I shall, again.  Food, especially exotic foods if just to sample, but any good food, is a fine gift.  Or, I hope.  Maybe that is just me.  A few here, a few there, one there, and one for home.  I may make that for Christmas myself.  And perhaps potatoes and something green and vegetal, plus homemade cranberry sauce if I can find a recipe I think I can handle.  Oh, and I am hoping do the 12 days of Christmas a bit more reliably this year.  I... I like that.

Later.

Ah, that might be it.

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Remember the freezer?  The one I had to clean out?  Yeah?  Well...  I did clean it out.  Then I added strongly bleached water to the basin, cleaned that out, then put in a sweet solution... and forgot it.  Thankfully there was enough bleach so that when I opened the chest I didn't have rotten water to deal with.  However, I am wondering if that wasn't part of the problem, perhaps the whole problem, with my eye(s).  With weather going from cool to pretty much cold, frozen and in a holding pattern down there, the furnace has been on.  There is a vent near the freezer (reminder, shut that one off).  What that has done is excited the solution, very possibly pumping out chlorine molecules, or some mix.  And, what that has done, is escape the chest and infiltrate the cave.

So, yes, that may have been it.  I realized the potential a few days ago, but had to work my way up to working my way through that task.  I had dishes blocking up where I wanted to work, so that had to be dealt with.  Then I had to eat a bit to work up strength, alone with clearing the other area, oh and clearing the top of the freezer which had turned into a minor catch all as I had previously worked on some other areas.  Bleh.  In any case... done.  I have to struggle through, but, when things are just right or I can tolerate the wrong, I can do it.  This, actually, was a multi-pronged operation, and required both immediate and intermediate focus and resolve.  Seems simple.  I think even for the healthy that isn't always the case.  Add fifty pounds of loadstone around the average human's neck, and you begin to get closer.  If that doesn't end up slowing them down, double it.  Continue as needed.

At some point, people, for the most part, lay down.  They plan their movements with great care, as they can only move occasionally, and at great pain.  So it is with me, always.  And, being unable to look before I leap, for I cannot always see the goal from where I am, mistakes happen.  Add to that the idea that I can't always correct on the way.  Momentum is wonderful, until it's a bitch.  Much like gravity.  It does teach patience, and when even that fails more than not, it teaches humility.  If one is willing to learn.  I only chose those paths because God made it quite clear that I was not going to be allowed to simply die.  You know how parents can be?  When it's God, if He gets on about something, yeah...  No worries, I am finally on board with it.

All that just to clean the freezer?  Yes, and to potentially, probably, take care of my eyes.  They are clearing, in any case.  Perhaps most of the chlorine that was going to be turned to a form of aerosol has been turned, and then absorbed.  Or that was weakening.  I will know in a few days if this was the problem.  Oh, and I should have my freezer back in operation soon, as soon as it dries.  I cleaned the interior with soap and water, after removing the chlorinated sweetening water, inside and out.  Now it just needs to dry.

I've been doing bits and pieces of work, as much as I can, for four days now.  Not a lot every day, but something.  All of the work coordinated, with focus, intent, and aim.  Not a lot of work, but the focus makes it worthwhile, good.  And, I finished the full project and can move on from there.  Now to hit some of the other areas.  I think I can, for a while, perhaps a long while.  We will see.  Later.

Just deserts, cursed, what?

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That used to be how the questions went.  Always unsure.  Oh, certainly, deserved.  True of all.  The bible is rather clear about what we deserve if left to our own devices.  Truth is, now, that isn't the issue.  I've been offered salvation, and to my knowledge, accepted it.

How many dishes are there!

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Ah, right.  I finally got every dirty dish and bowl and spoon and fork and...  I was getting ahead enough that doing everything seemed reasonable.  I suppose, doing that late, as I was getting ready for bed, I forgot.  Still, I have all of my canning jars cleaned and ready for kefir.  The thing is, cool as it is, it's taking the grains a bit longer to build up.  Better to have the jars ready than have the kefir ready with no place to put it.  Actually, on that score, I am well ahead.  I still want to wash the kefir grains again.  I don't think they were all that bad, I am just making sure.  The actual kefir I had was pretty rough, you can tell easily by scent.  But the grains were okay.  As I said, just washing, cycling, and washing again in order to really make sure they are good.  If, when I finish, I have plenty, I may end up attempting to dehydrate a few small batches.  I have heard that is good for long term storage.  However, I would rather check that out on my own, and really find out how accurate that information is, and perhaps test shelf life in that state.

I am not working as quickly as I would like.  Working is working though.  Anything I do, more so if it keeps me ahead of the game, is good.  I'd sure like to figure out how to push through but it just isn't available.  It is getting rather cold, low 20's F.  That might be part of it.  Though it isn't close to all of it.  I'll keep at it.

You know, something I realized when looking into my eyes?  Many of the videos, if not all... you can tell what perspective I am suggesting by the color of the eyes, though height can play a part.  It really is, sometimes, in the eyes.  It almost disturbed me when I realized how that tracked.  I didn't choose this, didn't realize it, didn't actually know what color my eyes were until yesterday.  I guess I'm really, in spite of how it might seem, all that into myself.

I am gaming.  I don't think that is the problem.  I'm not gaming well.  And couldn't work more.  Actually, gaming, if I could push harder with it, might help more.  I believe it is helping as is.  Just not as much as it could.  Though it had been a limit to work too, just not lately much.  I am having a huge problem with one of the earlier bosses.  Two were beat fairly quickly, easily.  But this one...  Well, another partial load of dishes, then to gaming, perhaps putting on a pot of coffee of making a cup of it if there are remnants.  I'll keep at it as I may.

Work is happening.

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It isn't happening as fast as I had hoped.  Dishes are mostly done.  After reading, writing, and waking I should be able to finish the dishes, or half of what remains perhaps.  A bit here, a bit there.  It isn't just dishes.  Laundry today, and continued efforts as to making kefir.  I am washing the kefir grains, as they have sat for a while, then feeding them up, and washing them again, before growing them for kefir production again.  As well, I had to dump all the old stuff and wash out the containers.  Fine, fine.  Oh, when you wash kefir, it is best to use non-chlorinated water.  Thankfully my reverse osmosis system takes that out.

I am hoping to finish dishes, probably do all the laundry, change the cat litter out, then deal with trash... have it ready to go tomorrow.  A shower, maybe a shave, and simple grooming.  If I get those things finished, and there is a chance to get out, I would like to go to town.  Whether for a bit of shopping, which isn't in great demand at the moment, or just for a cheap and easy meal...  I'll save that choice until I am actually heading out.

Tired, a bit off, still kicking and trying.  It's what I've got.  Hmm... coffee.  Must have a cup or three of joe first.  Later.

Eyes.

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As I mentioned, my eyes seemed to be becoming bloodshot.  Starting with the left eye, then, I though, could have sworn, jumping to the right eye.  I have been watching.  Can't make an appointment until next week, or later.  I could, and did, watch.  If both eyes had become bloodshot, and I am almost sure they had, my right eye has cleared a great deal.  The left eye dithers, getting a bit better or worse from time to time.  I may have scratched it while trying to clear sleep from the eye a little too vigorously.  Or Sam or Sassy may have scratched it while trying to wake me.  Yes, Sam especially though Sassy if more rarely, will do nasty little things from time to time.  Although, in general, I believe things are improving.

While I have been looking at my eyes I have been trying to deduce something else.  My mother had suggested that my eyes were hazel(first and third are closest), of the green varietal, or even majority green(top two are closest in this set).  For whatever reason, while wearing glasses, they appear rather brown.  So, while checking health I have also been checking color.  And I have to say, whether it is a true green, though with variations of green, or a hazel, is quite a tricky question.  I have looked at night, in the day, with a flashlight, when I am more awake, or less, and I have to tell you... I think it depends.  Though I must admit, I suspect, at this point, that they are truly a mixed green.

I then attempted to see if there was a genetic proclivity for a race, region, or such.  Not so much, other than European, even if it is hazel, needs to be in both sides of the family.  Which would indicate that my birth mother told the truth, that we are of the Spanish lines, at least in part.  Funny thing is, my birth mother has quite brown eyes while my mother, the woman who adopted me, has eyes similar to mine.  I honestly think both myself and my brother, if in different ways, both adopted, share many features with our mother.  Placement, by appearances, couldn't have been better.  And, while I am the tallest, we all were tall for our given demographic.

You would know that it is the least understood of eye colors.  All good, fits my m.o.  Finally got around to it, if more by accident from incident.  Now I know.

Yeah? Maybe.

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Once upon a midnight weary.

Exciting.

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I haven't gotten to much.  I have eaten, made a pot of coffee earlier, started setting up a batch of kefir, thus started on dishes both out of necessity and beyond.

However, while sitting during a rest I began feeling an urgency, want, need, to begin cleaning, sorting, storing, and working.  It is like I can see a path through both my physical limits and the complexities involved.  Organization is a weakness of mine.  Sometimes I can travel through that without effort.  It's rare.  I may be seeing a path.  And, that path isn't two way.  There is a chance that I could begin organizing... everything.  It won't be fast.  I will have to keep up on new stuff.  Initially it will be weak, merely boxes with labels or written words.  Examples would be "Camera Stuff", "Computer Peripherals", etc.  Then those boxes will begin being stored in places.  I just feel that it might be possible.

I may not get to it immediately, or I might.  I might do it more or less quickly.  I will make mistakes.  I will be weeding things out as I go.  Charity boxes, toss boxes, and boxes for stuff that I am not sure about in a number of ways.  I see it.  It might happen.  One area in one room at a time, until that room is cleared.  Then, perhaps, even taking everything out and cleaning.  Then putting things back, things I want returned.  Or putting some things in other rooms, or taking them down, or... tossing/charity.

It's exciting because I haven't seen such paths, or had any notion that I could do much, in some time.  Since late spring.  No promises.  Could be a fool's gold thing.  I just don't think so.  The notion was too solid.  Now I am hungry for not just the end, but the process.

Oh, and another thought came to me.  I am thinking of calling my friend.  Having him ask if there are any photographers in the building.  Perhaps creating a photography group, maybe planning for an outing.  It would also get me out.  I can handle three to five, if they can walk.  Wheel chairs are doable, but the motor driven devices are too big for what I have.  Nothing fancy, for an outing.  Just a trip to a local park, then maybe a lunch somewhere after.  That, though, is just a thought.  Not only would I get out, I might well learn a thing or two on top of simple practice.  Not sure, just a thought, for now.

I'll finish off some of the dishes, the ones soaking now.  Then a shower.  Perhaps, afterward, a trip to town.  Or not.  Depending on how it seems outside.  I may, if I don't go to town, begin taking pictures of the cave.  Some pictures being more mundane, utilitarian, others attempts at artistic or unusual takes on the place and mess.  Taking before and after pictures.  Incentive?  Recording for when I might not be feeling able to believe it possible in the future.  Simply a photographic project with what I have and can do?  It's not like I am, even now, really ready for much of an outing.

Definitely a shower, if I can get through the dishes and such.  No pictures of that though!  That'd cost you a bundle (mostly your eye-sight, especially if I warmed to you and took them in 3-D).  *wink*  :p  Later.

Another day.

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I haven't been able to get to anything, really, for days.  I'm not feeling rough, bad, sick, down.  I simply am not able to push through.  Both eyes are now rather bloodshot.  Not sure what is going on with that.  I may see if there is anything to be done for that, or attempted, before including the doctor.  OTC eyedrops?  Am I not getting enough sleep?  I'll look around for ideas and notions.

Gaming, blogging, and reading what passes for news is about what I have to do.  Or more, what I am able to do.  I might pull out another roast.  That was okay.  Though, this time, I will cut the cooking time in an attempt at medium rare.  Tastier.  Not much else.  Oh, I forgot to make a call the other day.  I may go ahead and do that today.  If I remember in time, or tomorrow.  Soon, one way or another.  You have to know how that goes.

Hmm...  I'll try to finish the dishes today, then get a shower in.  I might even try to make it out.  Perhaps just to the post office, though maybe on to town for a quick hot meal.  Nothing fancy.  I best get to finishing waking up, get some coffee down, while beginning to figure other things out.  Later.

Notes and asides.

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The roast was slightly overdone, but nothing I couldn't live with.  I seared it heavily first.  The time seems about right for how I used to do chuck roasts.  Perhaps they have been shaving them down and down and I didn't look at the weight closely enough?  I'll alter the time next time, taking the weight into exact account.  Thyme, bay leaves, a touch of sage, garlic, and salted for an hour first to let all that work in.  Just meat, save some stuffed olives I recently laid up.  But that is how I like it.  I'll get four meals of it.

My eyes are red, both of them.  I'm hoping, somehow, that it's just strain.  I need to make an appointment with the doctor soon.  For the main reason, but perhaps for this too.  A few antibiotics, I am hoping, if it doesn't clear up by then on it's own.  I've never had such a thing.  Not sure why I would now.

I'm not really a holiday shopper.  Though this year, it seems, more than others, my email is full of offers.  Just out of curiosity I have purveyed some of the sales.  Nada.  Wow, if this is as good as the sales get, and as limited?  I see much better sales throughout the year.  I thought they were supposed to offer serious sales right out of the box on Black Friday.  Unless I am missing something many of their sales don't even look like sales, certainly not much of ones if so.  Some of them look like street versus msrp.  Some of them, I am absolutely sure, are not sales at all.  Thankfully I don't need anything.  Heaven forbid if anyone is waiting for great sales.  At least at the places I shop often enough to receive notifications.

The last haunt seems to be settling down.  I do think, to a degree, I am mollifying the affect.  She did, sort of, jump out of my past.  Fair enough.  Until I could identify what and why I had a slim chance of placating, managing.  I still get the sense that she doesn't understand, and would not really leave of her own accord.  Whether that is my mind not wishing to let go or truly a haunting doesn't really matter.  Both?  Knowing her name, and why such strong feelings are involved, plus some experience while I am now somewhat more capable of understanding, and having an interest in rightly putting the past to rest as I am becoming less of a ghost myself, in ways, has made this step easier.  I wish I knew more but with or without that, I am needing to let go.  I have suffered enough.

It looks cold out.  To be honest I am not sure it is any colder than it has been.  A smattering of snow on top of everything lends to the notion though.

Not much else for now.  Time to visit blogs, check the news*, maybe a few other things, and wake... or nap again.  Not sure I should be up yet.  Later.


*(though there aren't really good news sights... first Fox fell, then most online news sources have either become shrill "rightists" or fell in line with Fox)

Snow.

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A decent amount.  I can't really get a grip on how much, two inches?  Maybe four?  I just woke and the sun is out making it extremely bright.  My senses can't quite overcome both of those.  Plus, with the sun out, some has probably melted.  Oh, and someone(s) stopped by and shoveled!  Thank you.  I saw it start to come down last night, and thought to get out.  But without a clear notion of how much to expect, when it would stop, and all, I hadn't gotten to it.  Then again I might not have gotten to it should it have stopped, or today.  I am still a bit rough.

Thanksgiving?  That's what the calendar and various things are adding up to as a suggestion.  If, as I wake, I become more sure, I may post something about it.  And, yes, I am quite thankful.  More thankful than not by a wide margin.  What is troubling just offers me something to figure out, really.  Or to suffer.  A bit of suffering isn't a bad thing.  A lot of it has it's place.  Just deserts, an opportunity to grow, or a warning that something needs to be done differently or stopped, seen as these things and pain definitely has a place.  So, yes, thankful.  Even if I can't change the past I might be able to show others how not to do it.  Still, we will all make our own mistakes.  The better trained and prepared the greater the mistakes it seems.

Today?  I haven't a clue.  I do have a roast thawed, chuck roast.  That would make a fine small meal.  Milk, perhaps vegetables of some sort.  First though to wake.  Coffee and time.  I hope you have some mild or grand day for thanks.  I hope you see it and find it and share it.  If you can't, you will be in my prayers.  I will be thankful for you.  Oh, you don't have to understand.  Trust that I do and that it is enough, whether you can see it or not.  Be well and blessings.

The greatest of my ghosts.

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I finally have settled some of the idea of my friend.  A memorial, and as soon as I may, a visit to his grave.  Of course, I am not pleased that I was not able to be there, to see him, before he died.  I am in a place, in life, where I understand that I sometimes have grand limits.  Sometimes, even so, I am able to overcome those, sometimes not.  More, I think he understands, at least now.  Perhaps not while he lay dying.  Now most certainly he does know.

I'll keep at it.

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Whatever else, I keep missing meds.  This time just a day.  Not yesterday but the day before.  I got back on them yesterday.  This time I am suffering for it, but just a bit.  I'm not sure how to keep on top of things.  I do my best and suffer the consequences.

I need to wake, then take a shower.  I'd like to make a call and an appointment today, take a shower, and... maybe get back to work, if I can.  I am sort of loopy, either from missing medicine or getting back on it.  Bleh.  We'll see.

Oh well.  I will keep working at it.  I think until I get used to the dark it will be a little screwy no matter what I do.  Sometimes that has been taking weeks, sometimes the whole winter as I never get used to the dark.  And without an external demand to drive me through it, or the capacity to exact such a mechanism, it's all on me.  Most of you, trust me, if you didn't have to go out you wouldn't.  For a thousand and one reasons.

I do need to get to the store.  I am hungry, more so lately.  I suspect as I, mostly, get back on medicines and begin trying to dig out, my body begins demanding food.  I can go without feeding it, but that just puts me into a lower level of function.  Best to get food.  Not today, probably.  Sometime this week.  Later.

Yes, the ol' clock is running long again.

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At this point I honestly don't care if I am staying up late and sleeping long and late.  Trying to push too hard for a while, and at least being able to make it to the last time/date based thing, that was good.  Now I have nothing, in the immediate future, that is time/date required.  Oh, sure, I'd love to make it to church.  But... yeah.  Maybe not.  Making an exact time is rather harsh, at least for me.  So, for a bit, I will just enjoy doing what I can, when I can.  I might be able to get things twisted back around quickly.  If not, so be it.  I do wonder, though, if pushing has been what has kept me alive.  And yet I also know I can push on everything all of the time.  If I try to move my day around, that's fine.  But then I can't work, definitely not as hard.  If I push to do labor, I can't move my time around (though, I have found, if I push on work, my day will more easily switch to normal mode).

I reset the dishes.  I am hoping to hit a load of laundry or two.  I would like to hit the kitchen a bit.  Nothing fancy, just little things.  Well, and back to working on the computer.  Today, tomorrow, soon, I hope.

For fun I would like to begin tinkering with the camera.  I did play around with the new lens.  I was able to set up autofocus, at least on one aperture.  Sometimes I still need to manually focus a bit (though if my eyes are more correct than the camera is yet to be seen, if I am betting on my eyes... easy enough to figure out if I can get my laptop going with the processing software).  I could do the same, most likely, for several more apertures.  I have ten slots for various lenses/apertures per lens, should I wish.  And, if the lens proves out, it might be worth the minor effort.  It might be worth tinkering with simply to know.  Who knows, one of the other apertures might actually be better, provided clearer pictures.  Hmm... by the way I need to figure out the laptop.  For some reason it tried to connect to wi-fi, and then became password encoded.  I can't remember a password on it.  I know I turned wi-fi off.  So...  Before I can begin using lightroom, thus mess with RAW and begin postprocessing in any case, I have to figure my way into the laptop.  Bleh.

Still, a bit at a time, this and that when I can, and yet enjoying gaming so as not to do too much so that I end up crashing.

Oh, you know what's funny?  Even as bad as I get I can still, and fairly often, do a sudoku puzzle in 9 seconds.  I do that about once a week, though I even hit 12, 13, and 16 seconds even more often.  Usually, on the easiest, I hit ~28-32 seconds.  Just, on some days, and not even on the days I am feeling good, I hit a really fast time.  So odd.

Off to a bit of gaming as I wake.  Later.

Awake and pretty good.

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Not only have I figured out how to begin taking care of myself, and then doing so, there is more to it.  Sun yesterday and today has helped.  Medicines going in, and getting easily back on track.  Getting out.  Taking care of the pile of things that had been stovepiping other efforts, and even each other.  Too much down too small a delivery pipe and nothing was getting done.  And, yet, there is even more.

I did see Death sneaking up, approaching, nearing, call that action what you will.  I usually take that personally.  And, in this case, with health so fringe, it was fair to believe the toll was for me.  Oh, I suspected I would live through it.  As usual.  Eventually I won't, but that is a very long time off.  However, when Death approaches, if it is for me, it means pain.  I don't know if you have ever been kicked in the guts?  If you have, and see that coming and have no means of stopping it, you learn to curl into a ball.  It'll still hurt, just not as much, or in as important of ways.  So, probably reflexively by this time, I curled up hard.  You can't truly harden yourself, but you can protect vitals.  And that is what I did.  But the pain isn't always, or always just, physical.  When Death opens that door, some things on that side flood through, or attempt to visit, as well.  Not all of them are favored, friends, or allies.  Less so the ones who were once beloved, if I have any guilt about their hushed memories.  Or simply know them as friends, allies, or lovers but can't figure out where they once fit, how they died, or such.

As I am improving, after the memorial, while doing more, much of the feared pains have either passed or not materialized.  I am back to living, and some comfort of mind and body.  I'll keep at it, as I may.  I may not get to much.  It may be a serious struggle.  Yet, whatever, I am... enjoying life more freely again.  Still a bit crippled up.  But with no time dependent hoops to fail in the immediate future, I should do just fine getting some things done, in their sweet time as needs be.  Now to figure out where my friend is buried though...  A visit, in my time, will set that to as much rights as I am able.  Later.

Memorials are good things.

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I wasn't sure I would make it out.  Will, wish, want, even need, sometimes, are superseded by the way it must be.  If my body can't be pushed it won't go.  Plus, being ill makes it so tough things are tougher still.  Much as the notion of carrying 50 pounds isn't a cherished notion, but adding a broken arm or worse leg into the equation and...  Even then, sometimes, to survive, one does the deed even with the tough breaks the world deals.  This time I got my way, at least for this part of things.

There were a number of people who have died at the apartment.  Three.  None of whom had a proper funeral.  Money is what it is, and this, and that.  Kin are often just about as old, perhaps older, than those who have died.  There are many reasons why not.  And I don't begrudge, mostly.  But for those of us who aren't family...  So, rolling our own seems about what is left.  And it worked well, as I see things.  A number of us talked.  My friend who still is there couldn't speak.  I wasn't sure, but ended up speaking of him.  He has been my best friend longer than I have known many people.  We have advised each other, and ignored each other's advice, fought, and decided that wasn't a reason to not be friends.  He will be missed.  I keep thinking of him as alive though.  At the memorial, after a bit of various talking by some, I saw something on the bridge he haunted often, and I... just thought it was him.  Odd how that happened.

Yeah, I do feel much better.  I will figure out where he is buried, one way or another, and make it over to visit soon.  I'll invite those who might wish to go as well.  It was good to hear others speak of him.  I didn't really know the other folk who died, but was glad to know that they were being remembered as well.  Now I can deal with it.  I won't let him, like so many others, fade and disappear, until they became ghosts in the machine.  Though I am not sure, with my health issues, that I had much choice.  Though I suspect I truly tried to hide those people, some of them.  That's when trouble really starts.  You should bury the body, not the memory.

All good.  I do feel much better.  I am grateful they held the event, I thank God I made it, and I am pleased I was able to say a few words.  I pray that he is resting well.  He may have made some mistakes, but his guilt brought him around, and perhaps some other things.  I think he really turned around in time and... just chose better.  He was a great friend to have.  He will be missed.  He told me he had begun praying some time back.  And while I couldn't get him to go to church, I understand that.  So many people, and when so ill, tired, broke often, and more with his mobility problems...  I can pray for his soul and leave those things in God's hands.  And with some real hope.  I just need to visit his grave.

Nights and days are going a bit kittywampus with this and that.  But, fine.  I've done... better.  I made it, at least, to this.  I've gotten some of the backlog fixed.  I've started medicines again.  Yeah.  Whatever else, now I can just make it through life as it arrives, not worry about time, but begin digging back into things... as I may.  Good night.