Well, something stirred.

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I had to push just to get some painkillers down, and then medicine.  I sat, for hours, unable to really get anything working.  I blogged a bit, read other blogs, looked at what passes for news, though more simply got a bit lost in the ether.

Finally hunger offered a bit of motivation.  That didn't, at first, allow me to cook.  It simply got me to finally take medicine and painkillers.  A bit more freefloating and then I got to making a meal.  Chuck roast, again.  Once a week.  I am getting better at making it.  I have settled on a few spices and a simple technique.  Thyme, sage, sometimes bay leaves if I am up to picking a few of the muscles apart in order to place the leaves inside the roast, garlic, and salt.  I leave that, at room temp, for an hour.  The salt, just as with steak, draws the moisture left in the beef out, then  returns it, infusing the interior with the spices and herbs.  Oh, and it tenderizes just a bit.  After the hour is up, give or take (more, actually, never less time), I then sear the roast.  No need to do the sides, that ends up getting the interior too done.  I slowly heat my cast frying pan, with fat (usually tallow), until it is hot enough to truly sear the roast.  Four minutes of that, then over and repeat, for the same time.  While I am heating that pan, I get the oven set to 415F, so that by the time I am finished searing, the oven is ready.  After both sides have been seared, the roast and pan go right into the oven.  Today I added baby carrots.  Well, they were just this side of bad and I can't find any peanut butter.  Rather than waste, roast.

Now, if I have guests, I will cook the meat for about 30 minutes.  That will see it to being done enough for women types and the men who are like them.  For myself I only cook it for 25 minutes, maybe 20 if... my native hungers are more in play.  When I played I played like I used to work and just as I eat... even to this day, bloody.  Once a week, this has become a regular.  I may begin trying to cook more often again.  Even cooking twice a week, plus with the incoming, might be enough.  Boiling eggs again would also help, though just a dozen... for three every other day, say.  Grain type stuff would be nice, for an add.  And, maybe, keeping onions on hand, and carrots, to add to meats.  I do need to eat more, this I know.  Well, that's the plan.

Something happened between, this, that, and the next thing.  An awakening.  I have business to attend, things to do, and maybe a way to it.  It does look frightening, especially with an overweening government that seems hellbent on destroying this nation, on purpose... an electorate that reminds me of the crowd who release Barnabas... in more ways than one, all mainstream institutions brutalized to work against the very reasons they were created, and a bureaucracy that was supposed to be built for my health turning it's hand against me in such a way as to literally be seeming to attempt to murder me.  Yeah.  It does look tough.  And?  I've been against the odds since I was born.  Even with genocide against babies not yet legalized, there were still ways women attempted to butcher their children.  In a world that was fighting the sins of the parents, their children were more likely to be the targets.  Having the wrong name in the wrong place meant having to fight as few can.  Having neither life nor death in my court, being more a weapon each used against the other as some sort of futile proof of it's superiority while each denying that my very existence negated their ability to have a proof.  Each made me stronger.  Perhaps wiser.  Certainly leading me to Wisdom.  If, not initially, all that happy about it.  Still, when seeking the truth and being lead to Wisdom inexorably end up being the same path, only two choices remain.  And, no, I am not saying God is on my side.  I am simply not that big.  I am saying, for my part, I aim to be on His side.  Nothing more.

So, after all this, something is moving in me.  Will it lead to great works today?  Maybe, maybe not.  Soon?  Perhaps.  I don't know.  I also, once again, do not worry.  I will do as I must, can, and what will happen after and from that will happen.  Hope?  Faith.  Charity too.  Yes.  I will begin as soon as I may.

Sleep and pain.

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I have some things I had hoped to do this weekend.  I don't think I can.  I went down early last evening.  I hurt most of the night.  Muscles, internals, a headache.  I kept trying to sleep past it or wake through it.  Neither worked.  I am awake but not in the best of shape.  Oh, I'll get better.  Just not soon.  Bleh.  I'll keep working on things.

I had several odd dreams.

In the first I was palling around with a dame, back in the day.  No, not a lover, not this one.  I think she was real, I just can't recall how or when I knew her.  She is one of those women who got away.  I suspect she thought the same about me.  But we had a ball just... going places, doing things, eating out.  It's almost like we were meant to be but that it just never happened that way.  Perhaps we met right after we had left someone else and just needed to figure out how to like the opposite sex again.  Yeah, she was a doll.

Anyway, it ended up that we were both into photography.  Well, once a year, there was a mass marriage ceremony and two of our friends, mutual friends to some degree, were to wed.  She talked me into joining the photographer pool.  There were some amazing sites to be seen, and it was an interesting experience.  Trying to track our friends among thousands of couples was a trick though too, so that took a good deal of my time.  Anyway, toward the end of the event, which ran into night as the event turned into a feast, the photographers pool was on scaffolding near the water when the scaffolding tipped.

Now that was a bit of a spooky experience.  With three levels of scaffolding, each full of people, hemmed in by each other and barriers on the sides, all falling, all falling into water, most still hemmed in, everyone trying to get to air...  A few bumps and bruises, myself.  I don't think anyone was hurt.  I was able to save the pictures.  No one was seriously hurt.  Just a memory, if a dream memory, and not a favorite one.

There was a lot more to it, but those are the highlights.  Dang but she was a pretty woman.  It's a good thing, in real life, duty called.  Or I would have broken her heart.  At least she had one guy she liked in that way to end up as a friend in memory.  If, to be honest, I don't think, for the woman's side of things, that is a good thing.  Better to have a broken heart, I am told, than a friend.  Bleh.  Dames!

I'll take anicin, and medicine.  Perhaps I have been missing medicine.  That isn't all of it though.  It seems to be a piling on of this and that.  I'll still try to do some things, but I'm pretty crippled up, beyond the pains.  The pains aren't that bad, any of them, on their own.  Even all together they aren't too horrible.  But they aren't the main problem with getting to things, either, as I wrote.  I'll... do what I can.  Later.

I never did lift off.

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Or not yet.  Feeling good enough, I did have a bite to eat.  I attempted to read, blogs and what horrid material passes as even conservative news.  Just couldn't focus.  I read a bit more into SJWs Always Lie.  The first part wasn't so interesting.  In part because I read much of it as it was happening, so the first part of the book was old news.  There wasn't much I could do about it then or now.  As I passed the halfway mark, maybe a bit more of the way through the book, it has become interesting again.  How to deal with sjws, really, is what I was interested in.  While they can't fire me, I think they are attempting to end my life through attacks on my medication.  That wasn't the only way they attacked, and isn't the only remaining way.  Including one of the female "doctors" attempting to diagnose something into my records that doesn't exist as an health issue.  Though, truth be told, since I deal with government, there is no way to fight sjws in there.

I can't quite get going.  I am hoping to get a shower or bath.  Then maybe figure out something to eat this evening, out or in, I don't care.  It would be nice to make sure I can set up dress clothes for the next few days.  Shoes... I know I have oxfords, just not where.  And they probably need polished.  If I get a shower in, or bath, maybe shopping.  Though maybe not until tomorrow.  It's messy.  I'm not working as well as I would like.  I'll keep at it.  That's that for now.  If things turn up, or out, well, I'll post something later.

Trying to figure some things out.

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So... all night... I dreamed.  Of doing this.

That sucks.

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I considered what to send my brother and family for Christmas.  Sure, perhaps a card.  Not enough.  Gifts?  But what.  Who would like what?  Food?  Sure, but with various health issues and preferences, no.  I finally decided on something.  With advise.  A really nice floral arrangement, for the Christmas centerpiece.  I went all in, as far as such things go.  Nearly a week after ordering I just received a notice that the order has been canceled.  There are no florists close enough.

Yeah, I'll... keep thinking.  Hmm, might have to make a call or two.  We might not always get along.  Might?  Always.  Toss in the sister-in-law and we have a hoot.  But... family isn't about getting along.  Not from my side of things.  I'll keep trying.  They do their best, kids as they are.  Yeah, I'll think of something.

Life sure can be frustrating.  That's not a terrible thing though.  It's what, for even those of us at the bottom of the pile... should we hold on... makes us stronger.  I can only keep getting back up if I keep getting knocked down.  This is a small one.  I'll figure something out.  Good night.

Thoughts as I prepare to sleep.

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Yeah, I'll try.  No promises.  With such a long nap I can't be sure.

Thoughts?  Chickens.  For eggs, up front.  Perhaps, in time, for meat.  Though, just as likely, those would be two different operations, different breads, the works.  In any case, I have been researching chicken feed, breeds for both meat and eggs, feeders and watering systems, heating, and whatever else people which to write or discuss.

People are passionate about their operations.  Some, to my mind, such as those who feed their chickens "organic" food, are foolish.  The rest remain to prove out or fail out.  If I have to have chickens, I don't mind putting a little work in on them.  Mixing my own feed?  If it is economical in the longer run, provides better eggs and fowl health, and just works, sure.  If it's a fool's errand, perhaps not.  Though, quite often, there is only one way to know.

More?  Sure.  If I am going to get involved with chickens, and if that works and I don't kill the birds?  Then why not goats.  You know I've considered them.  Sure, more work.  Much more care, higher costs, worries about disease and feed especially if the drought continues, but... milk, meat, and just the idea of having livestock on the place.  The freezer is fine.  Canning is good.  But without living breeding food, those other things are merely stop-gaps.

We'll see.  I actually have three places for various critters.  One is definitely set up as a hen house, the other two could be used for additional hens, goats or sheep, or even a cow.  It does get a bit complicated though.  Even just with hens.  How many, feeding, how to care for the animals if you must travel, lots of difficulties.  A small farmstead of livestock would be much more difficult.  Though, too, there are ways having more than one type of creature can help.  Chickens can clean out goat pens, goats might provide some protection from predators.

It's been an interesting few days of further research.  I have no idea how, at least for themselves, how people can feed their animals organic feed.  If it's for sale, I suppose they have figured out how to make it pay.  But for themselves, unless they are independently wealthy, I don't think it works.  You can throw good money after bad, but it really doesn't work.  Talk to your grandparents, or great grandparents.  I think a lot of people have lost a great deal along the way.  Though, too, even that generation had lost something.  When white bread became a thing, it became popular.  It also caused such massive malnutrition that the school lunch program was started.  White does taste better, and it is easier to digest, it just doesn't really feed people.  And, yes, many people would rather have tasty food than good food.  Organic, however, isn't it.  It's an adverse reaction to a real problem.

Good night.  Or later.

A five hour nap.

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Nothing hurts.  I really didn't do that much work.  Shortly after shoveling and then going to the post office, I went in to sleep and blinked five hours away.  I think when I first stepped out to shovel, the thermometer out back... I thought... read around 20 F.  I may have misread though.  For me, the temp was fine.  I wasn't dressed too warmly, though I did need mittens.

After the work I did feel chilled.  I couldn't really warm up during sleep either.  I am still a bit chilly.  I'll turn the heat up and best feed the girls.  Yeah, I think I forgot to do that.  I went down really hard and fast.  I may see about a shower and shopping tonight.  No promises, just... a hope at this point.  Plus a meal on the way.  I am hungry.  Later.

Dream, wake, work.

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The dream was... interesting.  I was back on a sub, but a fast attack.  And we were at war, probably with Russia.  Now think Modernized steampunk as to war mechanics, and theorized gentlemen's war.  For some reason a truce between one of their destroyers and "my" sub had been called.  The rules of the engagement required that, when we did this, we unloaded all weapons and weapon systems, then parlayed.  Which we were doing.  Then the CO of the foreign vessel noticed a woman.  No, not part of the crew.  We were transporting some Admirals daughter for some unknown, to me, reason.  Though she was supposed to be below-decks at all times.

Anyway, he saw her and fell in love with her.  Since she wasn't part of the crew, or war effort, he had the right, or at least no prohibition against, snatching her.  Which he fully intended to do.  He set his senior staff toward the effort of grabbing her and taking her to his ship.  With only a machete (don't ask, just happened to have it) I held them offing, killing several of the officers.  Once topside, apparently, until the parlay was agreed to be over no one could leave the deck.  Another rule, which had been made into a physics rule, until the ships disengaged, the commanding officers, and higher level officers above commanding officers, were immortal.

The machete was lost in earlier melee.  However, one of their officers had brought a fire axe, and lost it when he died or was injured.  This was tossed to me by some of the men.  Why no one else was helping, in the main, I could not tell.  Perhaps since they were all officers, they were not allowed to participate while parlay was in play.  So, I did have an axe, if it was slower and more cumbersome to use.  I am not sure what he used, though perhaps nothing being temporarily immoral.

I was sure to lose but I would not give up.  I was too vested in the pursuit at that point.  I was parrying his blows, and hitting him if to no good, when all of a sudden my axe actually bit deep.  I heard his cry of pain and terror really.  We negotiated.  We would treat his wounds, and return him after he was stabilized, but for now we had ended parlay.  Any disagreement would lead to the captains immediate death..  Later on I was told that the sub I was on had completely disengaged, and that was enough to end the parlay, which had then allowed me to strike the captain.

Oh, and you guessed it.  I ended up with the girl, and college, officer's training, and a career.

I was trying to wake at 8:45 but didn't wake until 9:30.  However, I did get out to do some shoveling.  There isn't much, just s thin drift in the drive.  However, at the ends, there were piles.  I chipped those out and moved them out of the way or I would have ended up getting caught up on those while prepping to back into the drive.  I would like to remove more but that is probably it.  I'll check the mail, too.  Then crash.  A lot of work, but all good.  Later.

Waking with a grin and pain.

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No, not an associated thing.  I had been dreaming.  A woman I spoke with recently, discussing how women take little bites or sips of things men order.  Whether a part of our meal or desert.  I don't think she liked that she had been called out.  If that truly isn't so much the point of it.  I have noted before, women are thieves, of sorts.  Family, such as mother and sister, but definitely loves.  Just a little, they will say, as they taste.  They only do it with some men, though will push it if they are dearly curious.  Some men are much more approachable, others are more in demand.  To take is to give.  No, nothing, necessarily, of... well... it can be platonic or romantic or simply of great curiosity.  I wasn't laughing at the dear lady who spotted a touch of her husband's, her man's, desert.  I fear she may have taken it as such though.  Still, laugh I did, and am.  I'm not sure why women feel so guilty, or cornered, or something, when this nature is revealed.  And so often they attempt to deny it.  Reminds me of the woman who touched the cloak Jesus was wearing.  There... is something to that connection, if it isn't complete, full, whole.  There, to me, is a spot of humor in both as well.  That was the cause of the grin.

The cause of the pain?  Have you ever waken to the world feeling as if you were on some sort of slant?  Say, ten or fifteen degrees off level horizon?  Yeah, well, I woke with that sensation.  And, either because of it, or it was caused by something which then caused what created the pain, I woke disjointed.  It seems, because I sensed the level plain was other than it was, and I attempted to find the level plain in which to sleep, I... put my body/back/neck/etcetera out.  No big deal, I'll fit back together soon enough.

Hmm, I also dreamed I was back in a college aged community.  It wasn't actually college, merely everyone around was of that age.  Yeah, I was thought of as a parent type, until they realized that wasn't the case.  I fit in well enough that, at some point, they simply stopped seeing me as a parent type.  Gaming, studying, chasing around.  Brassy and foolish enough to get caught by dames in my underwear, trying to do some traveling the lazy way.  Women love to embarrass men.  Oh, nothing bad, or good, happened.  Just... life, from another age.

Isn't it funny?  In one time or place some things would be terribly embarrassing.  And yet, in just a short bit of time, if a change happens, what was embarrassing becomes commonplace?  At least within certain parameters?  When your wife sees you in underwear, for example, at least when you realize it's okay and life just forces the issue, it becomes nothing.  Then it becomes nice, because then you know you are familiar, and home, and with a woman.  The answers to equations written, most likely, before any sun lit any sky, becomes apparent.  I'm not sure how it works with women, but I think, for them, it is getting just a touch of our desserts, meals, life.  Yes, I think so.  Didn't think the dreams were related until just now.

Later.

No, not as much as I had hoped.

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However, I did improve through the day.  I did get a shower in.  I fixed a roast, in part for lunch today.  It should last another day or two.  That was about it.  As rough as I was feeling I am a bit surprised I did even that.  The improvement helped.  I sure would like to get in to town and do some shopping, make a couple of phone calls, and dig in on house keeping.  I'll keep at it.  Oh, and I really need to call my doctor.  Perhaps to at least see if he will set up an appointment and send for medications again as well.  Bleh.  Staying on top of things is brutal sometimes.

My mother, along with keeping me updated, sent a phone number.  A woman I knew when I was quite young.  Sort of like foam, only when I was three, four, five.  I am pretty sure she protected me a time or two... or more.  She did it honestly, mind you.  She taught me some things through that, as well as... offering pretty solid protection from a... particular world.  She wanted to understand some things, and, while I don't remember exact details, I... have the gist down.

My mother suggested I be gentle, that she is 93.  Grandma Paunch, or Grandma Francis, depending.  I can't remember what I called her, but I do remember her well.  I don't think my mother should worry.  Nothing I can tell this woman, about what she wants to know, would be difficult for her to know.  She just wants to know the rest of the story.  And, for her, I am glad to tell it.  While some had great doubts, for various and differing reasons, some had hope.  She had hope, good faith, and great charity.  I only wish to thank her and fill in the blanks.  I think it will make perfect sense to her.  It will also close out some things for me.

Rough, again.

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And a bit more.  Every time I figure out one thing, or get past it, something else shows it's ugly face.  Sleep has been pretty good, medicines mostly going down, I am not tired.  But my organs feel as if someone decided to pummel then shuffle them.  If you have ever had painful gas, you have the idea.  Only it there is no need to pass gas.  It is the other organs that feel bloated and tender.  Time solves it, or has so far.  It's not always the same organs/areas.  Though sometimes, like this time, it is all of them.  On the good side, they are only slightly complaining.  I've had much worse.

I let the girls sleep in with me last night.  If nothing else, it helps the spirit.  I know they love it... once they figure out the pecking order.  Actually that is based on arrival.  First come, first served.  Usually Sam is in right as I go to bed, then heads out at some point.  Then, sometime during the night or morning, Sassy gets her chance.  It used to be the other way around.  At least they don't try to attack each other when they realize the other girl has proximity claims.   Sometimes the one who is on the outs will just snuggle up behind my knees.  Sometimes she goes off in a huff.  I just can't let them sleep with me every night, or I end up not rolling as I often need and will generate a whole body 'crick', from not rolling.  Once every other, every third day, or just once or twice a month, depending on how well I am sleeping and how much pain I am willing to risk.  Two nights in a row, these last nights.  I was worrying about my mother... company is good.

I am hoping to get to town, shopping, today.  Milk, cream, a new sort of sugar substitute, fruit if I can find good grapefruit, and some drink stuff.  Sugar free stuff.  A variety of something to drink is more important, to me, than food anymore.  If I am really feeling good, I may take my camera along and tinker a bit.  I have a small collection of pictures already.  A few more would be good.  A variety pack of pictures with which to explore Lightroom functions.  Though I just don't know.  And, of course, a meal out while I am at it.  Though whether early afternoon or later in the evening I just don't know.

I did reset the dishes, again, again.  I set a timer, again, though maybe that will get me to them in time this time.  I was in ever worse shape the last time I tried that.  I'll hit the laundry if I decide to shop much later.  And I probably ought to bag some stuff out.  Yeah, I've not been the best housekeeper lately.  It's not just medicine, it's not just the cold, it wasn't just the heat of the summer... it's just a rough spell.  I'm honestly doing what I can do.  I'll keep at it.  Later.

Not too bad.

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In one sense.  I ended up sipping quite lightly.  I fell down quite terribly though.  I ended up having just 'one' beer, and 'one' mixed drink.  Oh, and... posting... I pull those posts.  If I improve in time to review the posts I may put them, or it, back... in time.  Not sure.

I did get a message.  The surgery must have gone as planned.  If the microsurgery had not been successful they would have operated the old way and she would still be in the hospital.  Her message only indicated that she was out of surgery and okay, but no other details.  Groggy.  I called back, finally, just a bit ago.  She was just arriving home, so now I know which type of surgery was done.  She still sounds groggy and... well... post surgical.  I simply hope this helps with her sense of well being.  It's tough when organs aren't working right.  Can't do much about mine, if medicine seems to have finally helped a bit and I have learned, mostly, how to treat things beyond that... when I can.  So I am glad when surgery helps those who can be made better by it.

I didn't stay up all that late, or drink all that much.  And yet it pretty much wiped me out.  As well, I woke up really rough, as if I had consumed a great deal.  Odd.  I am glad to finally have beer back in the cave though.  I've had whiskey for a while, but just a mixed drink, often coffee based, twice a month, is about as much as I do.  If I add a couple of beers a week, actual beers, I think I'll be good.  Just another something different to drink, really.

I hate it when people go into the hospital.  You really never know if they will come out.  Even if they come out you just don't know how things will work out.  Later.

A good day.

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A simple day.  I won't be doing any timber work, I won't be lifting iron, nothing fancy and not much.  I don't hurt, I am not too tired, and I do believe I will get to some work fairly soon.  Hmm, actually, I think I already refreshed the rinse the dishes were in.  A load or two of laundry, perhaps another cycling of the dish rinse, then setting a timer.  If I leave the hot rinse go too long, drying the dishes doesn't work well.  As well, putting on a roast, and getting a bath or shower today.  It's actually a lot, until I get back up to speed.

My mother called.  She was on my mind.  I was just 'inches' away from calling her, I just hadn't quite done it yet.  Actually I was probably waiting a bit to make sure I didn't disturb her sleep.  The rare times she does sleep in, she needs it.  And, yet, someone often calls and ruins her rest.  I should know.  That is often me.  Of course she ruined more of my sleeping in than you could imagine.  Something about "school".  Well, she gave it serious effort anyway.  Still, I have pity on the woman.

Surgery, it seems.  While her primary said this, one specialist said not, so another specialist was consulted because the primary and my mother sensed the first specialist was being ageist... or had some other personal problem with care for my mother.  At one time I would have thought it just paranoia.  Now, however, I know better.  Watch yourselves out there folks, some doctors will kill you for not being in line with whatever moral or social codes they prefer, to include simply being too old... if there is such a thing.  Anyway, it turns out it was probably gall stones.  So, tomorrow, they will be removing or shattering what they can.  I think she is a bit frightened.  I wish I lived closer.  Though I think the call helped.  I only wish I had been the one to make it.  Still...  Yes, yes, she is on my prayer list.  Oh, if you would be so kind as to say a little prayer for the old girl I would be quite grateful.  She put up with me, she doesn't deserve more woe.  *wink*

It's a medium day.  No heavy light, but some.  I might open the shades, let in a bit of what is available.  Or... not.  I am hoping to get things arranged and moving before long.  This week is meant to be an active week.  Perhaps a bit of shopping.  Maybe a day out with the camera.  And of course a bit of work on the cave.  Days and nights are correctly set up, but the cycle is fragile.  I won't worry about it.  I am mostly concerned with being as active as possible, eating as rightly as possible, taking medications as well as I can, and doing the little things.  Well, and at least sleeping enough.  I can't worry about the actual schedule.  Oh, and... maybe figuring out confession and Mass, which means clothes and shoes.  Gah!  I'll... try.

Later.

Ah, but I do try.

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I wasn't sure if I would crash early, perhaps too early, or stay up too late.  As it is turning out I am going down about when at a good time.  Not a plan, just how it works.  I have been going crashing since about noon.  By doing few things, doing them slowly, I have managed to, possibly, salvage my day schedule.  Tomorrow will be a day off.  Monday, it is hoped, I will prep clothes for Mass, figure out times and days, and maybe see about something else.

I am going to start attempting to read a bit more.  I have some books along the lines of practical philosophy, a few books along the myth and monster lines, and some of faith.  I would also like to, maybe, begin reading the bible a few times a week.  I can't read all that very fast, and it might end up being too much.  Reading glasses would sure help too.  But, for now, I would simply enjoy pushing into reading while backing away from the computer for a while.  The internet doesn't require the same focus.  We'll see.

I did do a load more of laundry.  I'll be putting it into the dryer as I lay down to read, then sleep.  I won't mess with it until tomorrow beyond putting it on fluff in the dryer.  And, tomorrow, I hope to do the last of the dishes and put another load, perhaps two since they are small, through the washer and dryer.  As well, I have another chuck roast thawing.  Perhaps boiling some eggs as well tomorrow?  Or Monday.  Nothing fancy.  Just trying to do a bit and get ready for the week.

Sore, but I'm not quitter.  Dead, mostly, and I just won't quit.  I might break down from time to time.  I'll get back up when I can.  I am excited to be thinking about getting back to church, Mass.  I do miss it.  I miss a lot of things.  Even a small social from time to time.  Rest well, I know I will.  Good night.

Not today.

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As little as I did, it was too much too fast.  My arms are cramping in a minor way, from forearm to shoulder.  My thighs have been exhausted and have a nice little burn going on.  Bending for dishes and laundry, doing too much of this and that, getting out.  This is good.  It will probably get me back on track more quickly.  The thing is, that won't be today.  Not what I had hoped.

I did finish the jackets.  I may put in another load of laundry and run it through.  And I could finish dishes.  But that will be it.  Oh, well, maybe a shower, or a bath.  A soak might really help, if I can push through to it.  Not just sore and cramping, tired.  A nap, in a bit, too, I suppose.  I know.

I will endeavor to get back on track with some things.  Like an old, mostly deaf, even mostly dead dog, a call will at least rouse my attention.  Which in part is why I made great effort to make one of the two meetings this week.  It may not work.  It might.  Maybe for a while, or longer, or shorter.  For me it is not about success as many consider it, it is more about not quitting.  I can't win, but if I keep trying, even if I fail, I can't lose.  And, sometimes, I still do walk through walls... not even always just in a ghostly way.

Yes, remembering when I was younger recently... as seen in various videos...  Not always younger in the way shown.  Many of my group wondered... about good and evil, outside but more inside.  We were looking for heaven, as I suggested, only a path that did not include God, Christ, the Holy Spirit.  I learned long ago, before I was technically grown, certainly before I entertained others with a similar quest, that approaching as a child was the only way.  That part, with God not just a part of the equation but pretty much the whole of the path, remains the same.  Others tried, but could not become a child for their lust.  And, while I sinned with many women, I was sinning with curious hopeful eyes, not simple lust.  Still, that was a failure because that wasn't enough.  I have been looking for the truth for a very long time.  My fear of it was greater, in the end, than my want.  Truth had to reach out to me, then slowly reel me in.

Heaven is beside me, hell within.  But that isn't, as I had presumed for so long, the end.  Nor is the answer.  It is merely a moment.  To the Timeless One, a moment can even not be.  Just... not quite yet.  Duties to perform.  The hope is to not get lost in the duties that require the hell within.  Though, too... hell within might not be quite as it seems.  It may be a perspective of hard things from the eyes of a child who is focused only on heaven, missing some of what is required.  If you believed Jesus was Christ, and watched Him be scourged then crucified and die, you just might get lost in the hell of that so as to surrender to the state of flesh which could seemingly end God.  Or you might well see past that.  So it is with the hell within, perhaps... it is hoped.

Later.

No surprise.

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Awake well past midnight for the first time in...  Hmm, in a way, probably not that long.  But the last time I was awake past midnight it was not a stopping time, more like lunch.  It feels like a hangover.  I did, sort of, push yesterday.  All good.  No complaints, and it might snap back tonight.  Though if I want that to happen I need to push things earlier.

There are three, maybe four, things I must do today.  To my mind.  Okay, five.  I would like to kick out the dishes and tend the laundry.  I have two coats in the dryer, and one load of cottons to go through.  Hmm, might have a load of synthetics and wool too.  I may not be able to finish all the laundry.  But if I can push the cottons through I can hit the other things tomorrow.  Then another shower, maybe a bath if I can do it in a timely manner.  Then to at least confession, and then shopping this afternoon and evening.  I would like to consider Mass, but... that's a lot of people, I'm not sure I have anything proper to wear, I am not sure I am ready.

Speaking with the deacon, it seems if I am running late, there is still a place I may go without interfering with an on-going Mass.  There is no guarantee I could make even that, but it is an option and possibility.  It is open, pretty much, at the same time mass is open, if I heard that right.  While I would be alone, it is a place for prayer.  It might help me learn timing.  Or at least allow me something.  There were a few other things we discussed.  I do need to find out when again.  I think it's noon, and two or three days of the week.  I've been down for six months, was sprinting so fast to do things for the six months before that, but without direction... in a scattered manner.

Well, that's the plan.  I woke later, if I really only slept six to seven hours.  Yeah, I hope it snaps back to early to bed, early to rise.  Later.

I was remembering.

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Before Burning Man, long before, I entertained the company of another sort of clowns.  We were all looking for... something.  I think it was the truth.  Too many of those cheated though.  Drugs, dead sex, personal strengths of various sorts.  Oh, I had my own ways.  We actually came together, as it turns out, to see who was using what and to what level of success.  Invitation only.  I never, to be honest, understood why I was included.  Especially since I didn't do drugs.  Ah, right, and that is the point.  I realized, in a bit of a memory trance, why I really was included.  It was because my mind and body was going places and doing things they could only go and do on drugs.

Never can be sure.

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I didn't get on to the dishes.  I did one load of laundry through.  It's in the dryer.  I had hoped to push another load through but that simply, obviously, didn't work.  So I wore a different coat.  No bath and shower, but I did get a extra long shower in, extra hot, scrubbed thrice not the usual twice, and better even so.  I always fear that I will smell funny when going out into public.  And, perhaps I do.  People don't like telling mostly dead people that we stink.

I braided my hair.  I suppose I could have skipped that, but my hair is in one of those in between stages where it isn't one thing or another.  Braiding is as good as I could think to do.  It might not look that much better, but it is more kempt.  I simply haven't been getting out, or been able to schedule events.  I was quite lucky to have been able to push through.  I simply didn't want to miss both events.  Didn't want to miss the other.  But I am just into staying up into early evening, and wasn't able to stay up late enough that day.  Next month, I hope.

It was good to see some of the men and their wives.  I know some of them really don't like me.  That's the way it goes.  I'm not too worried about that.  I can only do what I can do, even if I talk a mean game.  And, yeah, that isn't enough for some.  Well, and I certainly have my flaws.  And, of course, there is just... bad chemistry, I suppose.  I don't worry too much about that.  I don't even really share it back.  If I am in the wrong on something they have an obligation to correct.  I don't mind.  Of course I'd naturally resist.  But if they show me it's wrong and call me on it, and they are right, I would eventually accept, apologize perhaps, seek more.  Though I don't know what any actual problem is for another.  I can't bridge that.

Still, it was good.  I don't know what is what, exactly.  But there were many I was pleased to see.  And it was good to be out.  Like the sick kid, who gets to go out to recess when he is better.  Hmm, and it might be a beginning to get me back to church, even once in a while.  I need reconciliation, maybe tomorrow.  I have been trying to get the process down, but, if I can make it, I might just... run and gun and do the best I can.  If, as I suggest, I can make it.  I don't know about staying for mass.  Even the middling crowd of this evening was a bit much.  It's been six months of no recess, mind you.  I'm not used to people, even when they are somewhat familiar.  Weekday Masses are probably the way to start.  Though, who knows.  If, if, if.  I'll add this to my prayer request.  It's pretty much all I ask for, save one other prayer.

I did stop to shop on the way back home.  I missed a bunch of things.  If I can get out tomorrow, I'll try to finish the list... if I can remember what I forgot.  Yeah, late.  Good night.

Much better.

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I couldn't get a nap in.  There isn't time now.  I will probably have to push pretty hard to make it to dinner.  I think I can, as things are going.  A load of laundry is going.  I emptied the dishes from their soak so as to get a bath in, which as I realize now will have to wait until the laundry is finished... perhaps forty five minutes from now.  A bath, actually.  Then I will put another load of wash through, set the dishes to a final soak, and perhaps get them dried and put up.  If so, I may take a shower before going to dinner.  Why?  Well, because.  A shower every few days is okay.  Some days it's good to get clean then cleaner.

The sun is out.  That isn't hurting.  A bit bright for my eyes, but I can see it around the shades.  Enough gets in for my meager needs, or even capacity to handle sometimes.  I am enjoying it greatly.  Amazing how much so little, even winter, sun, through the cracks in the shades, can do for me.

Yes, dishes, laundry, grooming, an outing, shopping.  I am taking it slow, doing a bit at a time, maintaining a rhythmic flow, not pushing too hard or fast.  And, yet, today, I may end up doing several days worth of work.  Hopefully it will be a lead into more.  I do love to work.  And the cave needs it.

Anyway... I best check things, see were they are and when I can do what.  I wrote most of this, then became distracted.   Actually, it was something slightly different.  I remembered a friend asking if I had gotten on board with this.  I keep meaning to do so, but... SQUIRREL!  Never mind.  Later.

It's an ugly tough day.

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My body is sore, tired, uncooperative.  I feel the need for more sleep.  There is no good reason for it.  Nothing new.  I have been doing well, if rather inactive, so today comes as a bit of a surprise.

I am about to take a nap.  I set it up to take a bath when I wake.  Then I'll hit the dishes and laundry, but that will be about it for here at home.  A shower later, then dinner in town.  I missed one group event, I don't plan on missing another.  After that, on the way home, if I can push through, I hope to do a spot of grocery shopping.  Milk, juice, butter, cream, maybe some meat... perhaps a few other items.

Hmm, perhaps I'll down a few anacin when I go in to sleep.  Sleep along with painkillers tend to work best.  At least with this neck, shoulder, head, muscle and bone ache type stuff that is.  The pain is mild.  But being so very tired the pain is enhanced.  A bit of sun is sort of coming through, perhaps that will help... if it stays out.

Definitely nap time.  I'll set the alarm for noon and hope to make it up before then.  Later.

Dreams beget dreams which beget questions.

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The prince's masks and reasons for them.

Questions are what this site is about.  Answers are sought.  Answers are there own, however, and not always to be shared or known.  The search for answers, and perhaps the sharing of questions, is all that I can promise.

After discussing dreams, then exploring them with music, the glass overflowed.  Not half full, this glass, full and more and more.  So many ways thoughts of dreams could go.  Sometimes I am the artist, and craft from what is provided or available.  Sometimes I am the medium.  In this case, I suspect I was merely the medium.

How did I get to where I went in life?  A look at that life, before health failed.  And, still, a place I go even now.

Very good.

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It's been over a week since I have been back on medicine.  I missed on evening, but that is par for the course.  I have, probably, at the very best, gone without missing medication for two or three weeks.  That is rare.  One missed dose, usually night medicine, a week or two is typical.  I am not sure if that is what is helping, or if I am simply becoming used to the cold and dark of winter.  Hmm, but I do know I am attempting to use it.  Eating a few eggs for breakfast, eating other meals when possible, drinking more fluid, more regularly, of greater variety... planning for outings or events, trying to focus on hobbies, planning house work.  Even if I am not quite, or yet, getting to it, just keeping these things on the front burners in my mind will see to success more surely.

Dishes and laundry today.  Perhaps a trip to town.  And, if I can, I might test the second lens again to see if it really isn't working correctly, so whether to return it or not.  I hope to keep it, but if the zoom is bound I simply have to return it.  I did order some things for my mother last night.  Now I need to figure out one more gift this year.  I thought about this and that, but I think something simpler is in order.  I consider more interesting gifts for them, but they... have such a complex means of getting anything to them...  I don't, can't, do complicated.  I am often just on this side of awake, or even alive.

I do feel good.  I feel more rested, if fully waking is difficult when the sun simply doesn't shine for days on end.  No worries, that is winter and that is pretty much everybody.  Join the club, I hear spoken in the background.  Yeah, thanks, Joker, I shoot back.  All good.

I do hope to hit some things and get out.  Oh, and maybe continue on a short story for an anthology.  Anthology?  I think so.  I don't know if I can do it, and if I do it if it would be included.  Still... it would be interested to be printed.  I might even go on to other work if it pans out.  No, no real money in it.  That isn't always the point.  I'll have to stick with my day/night job.  And yet... it would be fun to see where that might go or take me.  It would force me to clean up my ideas, edit, and continue to think.  Another hobby.  Later.

Pushing.

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I can't seem to work.  Fine, I'll push my schedule.  It is so dark and gloomy.  Getting through the day is tough.  I may try a nap tomorrow.  I have made it well into early, even mid evening.  The hope is that by later in the week I will be able to not only be awake, but get out for an event.  Goals, hopes, aims, added to a bit of effort sometimes gets me where I need to be.  I am brutally tired though.

I may attempt to get to town tomorrow.  I want to find out where the meeting will be.  As well I wish to do grocery shopping.  I am so tired that I keep adding visiting my friend in.  That can't happen anymore.  There are things I mean to remember to tell him, and I feel guilt for not visiting, then I remember.  Yes, tired.  Though I have always had an odd relationship to remembering that someone is dead.  I would like to find out where his grave is, and perhaps visit that next week.  It will help to settle my mind, cement the notion perhaps.  Or... not.  I will feel better about it all, though, if I can get there.

Books.  Beside one I am reading, another in that sort of queue, I have ordered a few I used to have, or at least books I have portionally read.  Bits and pieces here and there.  The Book of Legends, Zohar, and the book of Enoch.  There are specific topics I am looking to find, though general stories as well.  Mostly Jewish, I believe.  I knew, as I child and young teen, I had read many sorts of books along these lines as well.  I can't recall which ones in particular.  These are books, I suspect, which have leads back to the Old Testament, or parts of it.  However, the language work done for Midrash is beyond what translated bibles would allow.  Though elements will be there, just not... the linguistic style, exact set, or exactness.  Why?  Oh... just a few things have been bugging me.  If these books don't have a clue to some thoughts, there are others I may seek.  Entertaining if nothing else.

Well, it's been good in that I have stayed up a bit longer, on my own.  Another hour later into the evening tomorrow would be good.  Good night.

Gosh... so bizarre.

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Just life.  I have been awake since 4:30~5:00.  I still haven't turned the furnace up, or fed the girls.  Though this room is cool no matter, so turning the furnace up is more for the girls and when I go in to game or watch something, as it allows me to warm up.  I have, mostly, been right here on the machine.  Reading, writing, thinking, listening.  The strange thing is, it seemed like it must be afternoon by now, for some reason.  Looking at the clock to see it is only 9:30, and my mind spilled a little wind from it's sails.  Something about being so off, or lost, in the day.

I suppose I could make eggs, watch one of the series, or two, and warm in the other room.  That might allow me to make sense of things.  Or not.  Cold, little sun, even with the furnace going life just isn't going to make solid sense in the cold and dark, not in my condition.

I had meant to get out to a KoC meeting last night, but I wasn't able.  It started just shortly before I crashed completely.  Though I knew before the crash that I was losing my ability to stay awake.  I am, just from Sunday, staying up into the early evening again.  There is another event coming up.  I can hope to make it then.  It is a bit earlier, and I have half a week to prep for it.  All one can do it try, learn from failure and success, and reset for the next opportunity.  Or quit, if that's your way.

Well... on to something else.  Later.

Not just since ill.

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Dreams.  Many sorts.  Enjoy as you may.

How many dream tomorrows?

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I do.  Sometime the easy, simple.  Sometimes it happens.  Sometimes not so easy to know, or see.  Sometimes seeming all dark.  Not all happens, or yet.

Last night I rehashed a dream from before, about a small darkness.  It wasn't so much of a reoccurrence.  It was an investigation of the first time I dreamed the events.  They didn't make sense to me the first time.  I couldn't remember how things had actually happened.  I didn't even know if some of the things I dreamed actually existed.  I have since found that that places in my dream are real.  I was so tired, in the dream, and after, that I couldn't make sense of the geometry overlaying the scene.  Last night I worked through the events to see how the actions would occur, at least according to that dream.  Now I know, if I am beginning to wonder if that line of potential is finished.  I don't like to say that.  I actually can't say that with any certainty.

I hope it doesn't happen.  I believe, because of this and that, what lead to the accident has been mitigated.  For now.  I don't know if seeing and writing has altered that potential future.  I sure hope so.  It is never good to see real people die, and for silly reasons that really don't pan out when held up to the light.  A little more speed doesn't really matter over such a short distance.  I am not sure why I dreamed about it.  Oddly, I always feel guilty when I see and even if I say someone gets hurt or killed.  I don't really have any power to do anything.  It just seems that if I see it, perhaps I made it.  Not true, probably.  I don't feel guilty about the apocalypse I see on the horizon though, neither the little or big one.  Those are collective choices, the only thing collectivism assures.  That is up to men, completely... at least the timing.

A bit early, 4:30 or so when I woke.  Good enough.  I have the alarm set for 8:00, to feed the girls.  I will, after a bit, have a cup of coffee or two.  With the dishes in a final soapy soak, I will hit those after all that, then put a load of laundry in.  I have a meeting this evening, and then an event this Friday.  I need to get clothes and such cleaned and be ready.  I am feeling a bit odd this morning.  Just a little bloat and upset in the middle.  Nothing that anyone else doesn't have from time to time for no good reason.  Life, keep up or get out of the way, whether it's trying to hold you down or God speed you to your destiny?  Yeah.  All good.  Later.

Some, not all.

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The dishes were hit.  That allowed me to get in and shower before setting them back for another soak.  Then a trip to town.  I took care of some of what was needed, not all.  I could not make it to the grocery store.  Soon, I hope.  Bits, pieces, I will keep trying.  So very tired.  Oh, and no photography.  I was sad about that.  Some of the places I was at offered extremely wonderful vantages, and the weather, terrain, and partial snow cover provided would, to my eye, could only be considered astounding potential.  Whether any shot would have turned out or whether my eye is any good?  The only way to every find out is to take some snappies and print them.  I didn't have the energy though, I just didn't.

I'll keep at it.  Perhaps, with such short windows of sunlight, and being overcast even less, I just can't quite push on through.  Not fully.  What I am doing is, given what I have to work with, not bad.  It just isn't great, or even good.  It is simply not bad.  And... better than it has been.  I'll keep at it.

I am truly hoping to set up my hammock in the back yard, set up the tarp, and begin figuring out winter camping.  If I can do that, I might work at some other things.  Camping just slightly off the trail, not too far up, somewhere.  Little things.  I am not sure how well winter photography works.  Too cold and there would be trouble.  Heating things too quickly, say near a fire or in some other similar way and there would be trouble too.  And wet just doesn't work for electronics.  No, just camping, if I can get to it.  The gear I have is okay, though not really up to par for serious cold.  I would need an under baffle and perhaps a surround wrap, plus what I have.  Though to what temp what I have would work is another thing.  Actually, I think the mummy water wrap for my .mil sleeping system might actually do really well for a wrap.  All I really need is a baffle under the hammock to hold more heat/insulate generally.  As my system is, I can probably take a typical night down to 0 F, without wind.  Wind would be a show-stopper.  And, if we get another snow before long, it would be fun to traipse about with the snowshoes.  With enough snow.  Well, that is sort of the plan.

Later.

Portrait photography.

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I have an interesting in taking pictures of people as well as landscapes.  There might be other interests, but for now, those are my focus.  And yet there is a great deal of range in there.  I doubt if you could cover every type of each, even in a long career as a professional.  You might do all types of work, but you just won't perfect each are.  Between natural talent and interest limits, personal preferences, and the simple eye to work in various formats.  Oh, I suppose, there might be a genius out there who really does have it all down.

I really have been interested in black and white.  So, when one of the guru's of youtube suggested to start with black and white, the learning assignment was not a terrible burden.  Long ago I saw the potential for black and white, and dug into what could be done with it.  Both with the camera, using certain lenses, and in post process.  In many ways, I am a strong believer in man.  Not in self-salvation, but in them being the only things worth saving.  The rest, while valuable and precious, is merely here to see men through to their fate, and salvation or otherwise.  Here is a video example of what can be done in post processing.  Now, you could do this to people before hand, if they had make-up skills or you had a make-up artist on set.  But that just doesn't work for most people, even pro photographers always.  So, there is Lightroom and some other programs.

Days and nights ordered.

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Staying up later yesterday was murder.  And I forced myself to stay in bed through the night.  Neither always works, both are necessary, and some luck is involved.  While not quite scientific, the scientific is more engineering and art, if they become practical.  Even then outcomes, for my efforts or scientific are questionable.  Believe whatever you wish, just don't hold your breath about it.

It is good today.  Perhaps some very minor aches and pains.  Maybe a little bit of fog on the noggin.  These things are of such minor natures as to be almost tickles.  A shower, after a bit.  In to town later this morning or early afternoon.  A spot of business and social call, perhaps another social call, a meal in there somewhere, and a shopping stop.  Oh, and I may take my camera and some kit in, visit a park, and take some snappy snaps.  If a folk or three would allow me to photograph them, I would like to start working on post process edumacation.  I have seen amazing things that can be done in post process.  I have been hungering to play in there.  It's a bit daunting, keeping track of the original, knowing which copy is what...  Though with RAW files, so I am told, the original will remain stowed away safely and processes can be removed from any touched digital print at any time.  Still... only in time will trust about that be had.  As I mentioned, I will be taking pictures in black in white.  Though, from what I have read and heard to this point, if taken in RAW, black and white is merely a presentation.  The RAW file itself will still have color, it just needs to be brought out in post process, though perhaps even on the camera.

No dreams lately.  Pushing days and nights either enhances dreaming or shuts it down.  The latter this time.  Medicine is back on track.  I think the little discomfort I have is due to medicine bounces.  Now if I can just keep up with it I should see my way through.  Bleh.  Oh, I do try children.  Hmm... on to a bit of coffee and waking, then perhaps a load of dishes and a shower.  And then to gather laundry for when I return.  Don't want to put a load in, not knowing how long I will be and with the great potential of forgetting it in the washer.  All good.  Later.

Not all, enough.

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It seems silly to be pleased with getting just a bit done.  Silly it is, if needs be.  I did get one of the ducks delivered.  I found out that one of the ducks I had hoped to deliver just wouldn't make sense.  All good, I'll find a home for several more ducks, then keep the remainder for my meals.  A duck is a lot of food for one.  though, just as with a turkey for a regular family, a duck can be split out and parsed over time for a single.  I need to find a recipe for orange, or mixed fruit, glaze.  However, if research doesn't go forth or pan out I can do my usual.  That is quite favorable, and I know that already.  At least to my tastes.

I was asked to join the couple in an ice cream social.  Just a small affair, but quite entertaining.  The Mrs, it turns out, is preparing to be a mother.  Delicate.  Quite a thing.  A change in life that is more profound than I can put in words.  I suppose you have to have been there.  All good news.  A good deal of talking.  I hope I didn't batter their ears to bleeding.  Hmm, though I sometimes say to much.  I know my story well enough that I think little of it.  I forget how... dark it must seem.  And that was just the party scene I discussed.  Never mind.

It is pleasing to see another generation, even if just here, now, choosing to repay their ancestors with the blood debt of life.  Hmm... yeah, probably too dark.  Thankfully I didn't discus that.  Still, here, you are in my mind.  Yes, I will be attempting to do the same before too long.  I might be delusional about any prospect.  Though who knows.  Time, as discussed earlier, does tell all.  And men brave to make, or even attempt to make, a future, a truth, a reality.  Or they don't.  I choose to weather the doubt.  Suffering success or failure all the same.  So it was, is, and will be.  Amen.

Then on to town, for a quick fast food bite.  Some of which I shared with the girls.  Not too much.  While I love to share, I do consider their health.  They really aren't geared to eat cooked meats and certainly not vegetables, fruits, or grains.  Raw meat does my ladies well.  Still, they just want a little of what I eat so as to know they are valued.  And so they do, from time to time.

Ah, one other thing.  We were discussing chickens.  It seems they lost a mess of them recently.  Bird flu or some such.  So they will be buying a new batch for next year.  The Mrs, especially, after hearing my interest and trepidation decided to talk me into buying some when they order more this spring.  Gah!  Women!  Yeah, they do have a way about them, innit?  So, this spring, I will be getting a small clutch.  Clutch?  Just layers, for now.  If it works, and I end up with a small group and a rooster (or two), I may, if it all works out, give a go at putting some fryers in the queue then freezer.  We will see.  Yes, I really do want eggs, and I really do want fryers.  One thing at a time, but this is one thing, and on queue.  Oh yes, fresh eggs are a treasure.  I best begin figuring out my hen house.  Electrical supply, water and feed, bedding and cleanliness.  Yeah... we will see.  Me and my big mouth!  And yet, blessedly... me and my big mouth.  *grins*

Later.

Something.

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Not much.  A call.  An attempt to arrange a visit tomorrow while I do other business.  Another call shortly.  Ducks, even frozen ones, may fly yet.  As well, perhaps an outing in order to procure an easy lunch.  I finished the last of the roast beef sometime in the late night or early morning.  Sliced on a diagonal, topped with jalapeno jack, and heated just right.  Hmm, and, if it all works out, and I do leave the cave, perhaps I'll bring the bins back and take out what little trash there is.  Yes, keep up on that.  A must.

I have been doing pretty good with medicine, and getting better.  I still miss from time to time, and more than I should like.  Going back on it can be smooth or smooth as broken glass and slum whiskey as a cocktail.  I have been taking really good care of the girls.  When all else fails, they get what I have, little as that may be.  Now that I have their litter cleared, the one thing I can stumble regarding, I have been keeping it up.

Yeah, I'll try to make at least one delivery.  And then a trip to town.  When I return, perhaps laundry, maybe a hit on the dishes I have soaking and a rinse or reset on a soapy soak if they are still rough.  Maybe.  Not sure what I can actually do.  I just know I'd like to push my day back into the day.  Time tells what all else can't... the truth of things.  Later.

Great minds think, and act, alike?

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Oh, I might suggest it to be true.  Whether it makes them laugh or cry, the truth is what sets them free.  I'll be gentle on you for this moment.  Belief isn't necessary so long as the reaction proves the point.  Love me some pudding.  You?  *wink*

Oh, showers can be divine.

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They do say cleanliness is next to Godliness, if I think that is a stretch.  No, not quite divine.  Though, within the secular realm I suppose it could be true.  All I know is that a shower was wonderful.

I woke at some point with a massive nose bleed.  I caught it just in time to stop it up and go back to sleep.  As well, a massive headache.  My pillow was off, in spite of it being exactly as it has been for weeks at least.  Huh?  Don't ask.  I honestly cannot understand why things change like that.  Physiology is analog rather than digital, I guess.  Things change.

I am in pretty rough general shape.  Other than the headache, it isn't a painful situation.  It is simply not very productive.  I don't have more than a load of laundry, so I may try to get that going and through tonight.  Dishes are mostly done as well.  With the shower kicked out, I may hit them again.  The cave, in general, however, is... rough.  I don't know when I can get back to that.  Men are not housekeepers.  Ask any judge!

I am heading toward function.  It is just very hit or miss.  For all I know this is as good as it will get for a while.  The cold and lack of sun sort of do what they do.  It's not that I am picky, it's that my body is.  And I keep slipping on medicine.  I do my best but that isn't always all that good.  I'll just keep at things.

I am hoping to pull some of the RAW files over to the laptop, especially of the girls, and work them into something I might attempt uploading and displaying.  I may, in time, create a web page just for photography.  I'll let some of you know where, if I do such.  But it won't be directly linked.  Most folk can't handle this page.  Heck, I can't always deal with it.  It won't be a pro-page, just a photographic tinkerer's forum, or symposium, or... something.  Presentation?  Yeah.  Working on what I do with photos in post process, what kit I use and how I use it, exploring light and shadow, defining iso, shutter speed, and aperture uses.  Mostly just saying what I am doing and thinking while inviting others to comment or advise, or just watch and learn.  My next project, other than two I have ongoing photographically, will be black and white photography in order to explore shadow and contrast a bit.  Not as artsy as it seems, more just a realization that I am... black and white blind?  I need to learn shadow and contrast.  More dumb learning than haute photographe.  

On to waking.  Coffee, probably a new pot, more of the series I am watching, perhaps a few eggs in a bit.  Later.

The ducks arrived.

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Oh, I know.  I wanted one, for Christmas... give or take, and to pass a few around.  It's just a unique sort of food, something many people have never tried.  And, tis the season, innit?

I had planned to just do my usual, score the skin and use sauerkraut stuffing.  It turns out well, if fairly... hmm... savory.  I must admit, after trying the goose done that way I am more inclined to try something a bit more like that.  Now, there is no way I can do that much.  I can, however, do something partial.  Maybe.  I'm thinking an initial fruit stuffing, then replacing that with sauerkraut.  Yeah, it's still a lot of work, but no where close to the goose deal.  After the fruit has been cooked, then blendered, then use it as a baste.  The skin of the duck should be well browned by then.  Just a thought.

I was fearful about the ducks showing up when I was asleep.  I couldn't find the email that offered a link to a delivery company.  Sometimes, often, it has been below freezing out there.  But not today.  I was sure glad to see it had finally arrived, and that the birds hadn't thawed a bit.  Oh, and with the big freezer clear, cleaned, cleaned a couple more times, dried, and back in action... all good.  I hope to begin getting those out at the first of the month.  One prize per season, so I'll be sending these out to other folk.  Some in gratitude one way, some in another way.  Though mostly just glad to have neighbors who haven't decided to stone me or chase me off... so far.

My days have twisted around, so that I am up until early afternoon.  I have something Monday, and dinner tomorrow, and I need to get the garbage bins back in.  I actually haven't created trash, mostly, this week.  Less than a bag.  And, with it being freezing out there, no need to push getting nearly empty bins to the curbs.  So... probably no trash this week.  Still, I ought to get the bins back.  Tacky.  :p  Later, or good night.

Well?

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I am still in a bit of a bind.  I am feeling good.  I am sleeping well.  Medicine is back to clockwork and all up to dose.  It just doesn't seem to matter as to function.  I cannot seem to do... almost anything.  I'll keep at it, get to it when I can, keep looking for opportunity.  I am so off that I am very comfortably numb.  That, actually, makes function very difficult.  It is analogous to freezing to death.  At some point the world just seems too far away.  The pain isn't as bad as the effort to come back to the world.  No, not dying, just... resting.  Medicine might, eventually help me through.  I might be able to wake enough before long.  Or it might not be until spring.

I have been able to do a few minor things.  I was able, through tinkering and research, to bring my laptop back into play.  I had the wi-fi turned off.  Looks like someone had turned it on.  Further, they had done some partial update for win 8.1.  Not good.  Now my machine is begging for win 10.  Even with wi-fi off and updates not allowed, this device proactively tried to install that crap.  Thankfully I have a "picture" of the harddrive pre-attack.  I believe I will be able to take it all back.  I also believe I had the lightroom installed on the 'image'.  But that does indicate how desperate and brutal microsoft has become.  No one wants their stuff.  They think they are a god, and demand, beg, plead, cheat, and steal to gain our love.  That's not how it works.  The reason the old gods* fell out of favor was because the provided nothing but psychotically thieving, lying, cheating, and horrible advocates whose only love and favor was for themselves and their own.  Much like bureaucracies of today.  So, it seems you can't even say no, not really.  The hacker IS your OS provider.

Still, I have the machine back to where I can get on and edit pictures.  The password whoever installed when updating and whatever else they did is now gone.  I didn't do that part.  And, yes, I had a solid, as good as it gets, security suite installed.  Those, most likely, are beholding to microsoft.  To even work with the OS they have to let m.s. do whatever it wants, right through their security.  Much as .gov can force that allowance.

I have a number of photos I wish to work with.  Christmas lights from last year, Sam, the house, and perhaps shortly, Sassy.  I got some neat ones of Sam.  She's okay with photos being taken, however, she wants to mark thus own my camera.  Not going to happen.  And yet, it lends to some potential for some cool photos.  I think they turned out ok, but I really need to import them and view them larger.  She is a willful girl, and I may have captured some of that.

I have what gear I have, for a while.  I have too many expenses coming in to even think about another lens, especially a pricey one, for quite some time.  I have a few other, potential, expenses coming up that... while sat... will also really have to see a change in my purchase practices of late.  All good.  No problems.  It works.  If it works.  If not, it doesn't.  Still, I can keep studying, practicing (thankfully no film or developing costs), and doing other research.  I really do hope to learn to take pictures well enough to be considered a limited professional.  I need something to bright up the place.  And... I need incentives to get out.  When I can get back to that.  I live in the perfect local, even state.  If you are into natural landscapes, even some cityscapes, wildlife, and many various terrains, this is the place to be.  Rivers, lakes, mountains, deserts, white-water to flat, and things no other state truly has in such abundance.  The wildlife exists because many of those places are not suitable for human habitat or other human needs.

Here is an example of the videos I am reviewing.  Now, I don't just eat it, like candy.  I experiment and test.  In this one, for example, I don't completely agree.  I do like spot metering.  There are caveats.  For moving objects, sports, and some other such, yeah, I get why spot won't work, or as well.  Though it may be possible.  I am not, at the moment, quite sure how good the photographer would need to be.  Much like hunting a duck with a rifle versus a shotgun?  Maybe.  Depends a bit on which choke, what powder, what weight, and ball size, on the one side.  Still, I do understand what he is talking about enough to experiment.  Though I really need to get some other things down more exactly, such as how to set the various options in the various modes, when exactly to use specific modes, and such.  I understand that, for example, if I want a specific depth of field, and will have to be compensating on the fly for all of the variables, aperture priority mode used to set and forget while I muss with the shutter speed and iso can make a shoot much easier for a timed singular event.  If I can go back until I get the shot, then tinkering might be better.  Each mode, method, and variable can be tied off or free-handed.  But knowing when, how, why... and just knowing of mind is not enough.  It has to become natural.  You just know.  Much like driving.  When it is a bit icy, you know to stop further ahead.  And, to be honest, that takes a lot of near or actual mistakes, years of getting one's emotions in hand and gaining focus.  So it is with photography.  Better one shot at a time, but without any guarantee.  Such is life itself.

Oh, right. Now, for the most part...

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It isn't children that I frighten.  I do frighten however.  I don't get that, and you should be told the truth.  Strange how even adults are similar.  Yeah, they revoked my membership... pretty much everywhere.  Just saw the scene as I was watching one of those programs tonight.  When the iron maiden shoe fits, I suppose?

How to find gear?

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I look, listen, and read when I consider gear, or even what gear to consider.  I don't need gear that is designed specifically for macro photography, for example.  Sure, as I explore my camera, if I end up enjoying that sort of thing, then I might consider adding the notion more into the consideration of what gear to buy in the first place, and what features for gear.  So, knowing what you want to do, and for me it is rather simple photography, will lead me to choices of gear and features on that gear.  Cool.

As to narrowing things down, experts can be useful, with limits.  They will spend a fortune on glass, bodies, and gear as much for a tax write-off as for experimenting.  A really successful photographer can spend, and probably should spend, a fortune on gear.  Tax write-offs are dear for high income earners (and their accountant(s)).  The risk they take is minimized by write-offs and high income shoots.  As a non-pro, my risk is that I might get stuck with a less than optimal gear setup.  However, the artistic and casual shooters have their limits as well.  They are less likely to take a risk on a higher priced gear rig, and so really might not know.  It's sort of the difference between haute cuisine and hotdogs.  Neither, really, fits for daily daily.  By needs or artificial inducements, both can work.

So, what I do, is read, watch, listen.  I listen to the pros, I seek amateurs with some experience, I look at the art set.  Then I look at what features each likes, rather than the actual gear they are suggesting is best.  One thing you find is that gear gets better each year, at the high end.  It just does.  How long that takes to filter down to amateur use is another thing.  Of course, at the bottom of the amateur (Chinese junk) rating, you will be very unhappy.  Perhaps worse, if for example you purchase a pod mount which is rated to handle your camera, but doesn't at the cost of some pricey glass.  While that can happen at every level, it is more likely at the lower levels.  As well, suing a big name is more likely to produce returns, if a win can be had, than suing some Chinese company that, when enough lawsuits accrue, will simply sell out to someone else in the family, scrubbing lawsuits in the transaction.

I end up looking for the features, learning brand names, looking for new higher quality brands, and seeking feature sets.  Sometimes it takes a very long time to find just the right kit.  Sometimes reading reviews, especially negative ones, will path the way to better gear.  Quite often I end up choosing gear that has the features, but is being produced by a new company that has to sell for less in order to compete.  Avoid first gen stuff, more so but not completely from new companies.  I would not buy, for example, a Nikon d900 (if that were to pop).  A d910, maybe.  A d950 more like.  I like a gen or two beyond the first.  Though, with some things, with enough positives, some risk is worth it.

Oh, I have decided on the lens.  Too late for Christmass.  And I won't be able to buy it, I would guess, for at least three months.  I will be saving money for it, a third each month.  Or as I may.  Until I have two-thirds rolled, and money for the other things, such as the beef to half a beef this spring and a pig shortly, I won't plan on buying it.  It's a 28-300 mm f/4.5-5.6.  There is better, there is worse.  It is, essentially a literal lensatic swiss army knife.  Definitely not pro.  Some limits on a fx body (made for dx-crop sensor).  Between this and that it is a single, relatively light, reasonably sharp, cross-sensor possible, lens.  I want something for when I really can't work a field with my legs from exhaustion or illness.  I will usually, when I travel, take a number of lenses.  Some will be much sharper than this.  But they will require focusing with my feet, setting up the shot a bit to a lot more functionally, and such.  And I will probably use them.  But only when I can.  Funny thing?  This lens is far and away better than many of the lenses they have used up to even 20 years ago.

Seekers.

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A dream.  Some number of folk came to me while I was dreaming.  I had a production running, though I can't remember what it was.  It wasn't an important dream, so I left it to welcome my guests.  At first I thought it was just a dream redirect.  After a bit that seemed as if it was not the case.  As I have waken, and thought about it, I am staying with the notion that it wasn't just a dream.  Whether they visited consciously or not, and as a intentional group or not, I cannot tell.  Curiosity was strong in each participant, that is all I could tell.

Questions.  One primary, that I remember, but others.  How, I was asked, can I use a video, phrase, word, picture, to mean one thing now, and something totally, seemingly, unrelated later?  Isn't that a form of cheating?  Is it poor form?  Is it even reasonably possible, even if it seems to fit?  It seems like it should be an unpossibility.  I merely listened, trying to wrap my mind around what they were suggesting, what that really meant, and what their questions seemed to imply, which part of what they were discussing was the part in question, and how those questions worked mechanically, ideologically, and in other ways perhaps.

I think I got what they meant.  A simple example would be using a video to describe emotions this time, regarding one subject, then next time use that same video to describe a purely mechanical idea, in a totally different field the next time it is used.  Oh, yes, I had, myself, realized I did that.  I had never thought too much about it though.  I just did, couldn't see a reason to question it.  At least I knew what they were asking.  Any thoughts regarding it, however, would be spur of the moment, subject to change should I consider it more beyond the dream walking conversation.

Ah, right.  While it may not be as satisfying, it is just as true.  I asked them to multiply 10 by 1?  The answer, after a bit of thought to make sure it wasn't a trick, was 10.  Fine, now... 27, 3, 68, 92, 18, each multiplied by 1?  Well, 27, 3, 68, 92, 18.  Right.  So, how can all these varied numbers come to be what they are and were, all multiplied by the same number?  Well, it's due to the properties of 1.  Right.  I told them, as I have written here, I am not a teacher.  If I happen to teach that is merely because someone happens to learn.  Neither will I lead, not the many, not in the way men see things.  I suggest they find wise men and listen, then as men find their true way or as women find a more direct wise man to lead.  I left them with the notions, and went back to sleep, looking to see if I could find the tail of the dream I had lost while entertaining my guests.

No, I wasn't at all fussed about the visit.  And any are always welcome.  I don't know that I can help.  I only know how to respond as best as I may, humbly really because it isn't mine.  It was a bit unusual.  It has happened before, though a rare thing.  Company is almost always welcome.  Only if I am too weak from being tired, or too ill prepared and unable to change that.  In dreams I can be as I am.  The Teacher has come and gone.  He... can still teach, in odd ways.  He has taught me much, but in much the way I teach now... according to the want and will of the student, not directly, but as surely as is possible and even sometimes in dreams.

I am 1.  Next to me is 0, the null set.  And next to that is infinity.  I am much more humble than either, smaller than any, but with a specific set of properties that are unique.  No number is more or less, in one sense.  Each, given it's properties, has great use and function.  It is knowing what you are and using that to it's full potential that will allow you to find some small fulfillment here and some even greater fulfillment there.  Do not be jealous of the ways or will of another.  Don't get caught up on which came first, which is greater, look only to purpose and free yourself.

Decisions.

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I decided to make photography the object of my Christmas purchase this year.  I really wanted to buy a better long zoom lens.  I have been doing minor research regarding them for a while and was almost sure I had one that would work.  As the time to grit my teeth, pull the plug, and spend the money arrived I simply couldn't do it.  There are 28-300mm, 70-300, 80-300, 70-200, pick one.  Prices range from $4-500 new on up to... how much do you have?  I have below 70 covered, well.  I have one prime, though would like to purchase several more primes.  But the next lens I want is that larger long zoom.

I have been considering, in time, another camera.  Initially I was considering a step down, a toss and go camera.  There are a number problems with that, more than solutions.  So I have decided that a step up will be the way I go, which means the glass (lenses) need to be better, and won't need internal drives.  While pictures will turn out better, crisper, cleaner, the price for the glass that proofs the body also goes up.  And goes up by a lot.  The camera I am considering, unless they come out with a step up (I like) between now and then, is the d750.  And, very possibly, as often as dogs are released, or gimmick cameras, I may stick with the d750 regardless.  The next gen might be offering, say, 50mp.  The cards for those, if they are quite out yet, are running at $500.  And... can you imagine how much cropping you might well need to do?  Printing won't catch up with that well enough to truly use that much... anything.  So, lens focus, not the focus of the lens mind you, has changed a bit.  And that through the decision making process just a bit off.

As is, though, there is another piece of equipment I have been considering.  I have a tripod.  Cheap but effective.  It is good for static shooting.  There is better, and in time perhaps, if I prove out in photography more, I might consider better.  But what I really have been looking for is a monopod that has it all.  Though I didn't have a lot of time to consider, I spent that time well, wisely.  There are more expensive monopods.  I don't think there is much better.  None have all of the features, even more expensive monopods.  Of those which have similar features, usually costing more to much more, those features are weaker.  Not only can this "monopod" act as a sort of tripod, and double as both a short 'tripod' and stick pod, it has all the best features of any kit I've seen, and then some.  Here is a review.

With friends like these who needs doctors!?!

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I shouldn't say doctors, more psychopathogens.  I keep hearing, in more and less direct phraseologistical pronouncements, that genius and madness aren't even half a twist off, that often they are the same thing.  I can't say that I agree.  Though if true, who, as I do agree, isn't mad?  Most don't apply it as directly as others.  Not all who do more directly apply it even apply it in the same way.  Women are mostly neurotically psychotic, but only if they do or don't get their way.  Like our little Alice in Wonderland.  The Red Queen was just her alter ego who was given everything and Alice was the part of her mind that had to work for it.  Both quite mad.  Though women don't make any better insane people than they do authors, inventors, or self-developing businessmen (hence why many things were and should still be call xxxxxx.men... like congressmen.  "Well I never!"  I bet you did, sister, and frequently.

As for me?  If I am mad than the bible is wrong, myth is wrong, even legend is wrong.  Now, to a degree, I will admit that it is.  What I won't agree regarding is that it is all wrong.  Much as the bible on to modern texts teach something that might not be exact, or for a fact with modern texts that is outright wrong, in order to get past a minor understanding or avoid an area that is too complex at the level of the learner in that text (or just as often because modern theorists disagree, and use massive artistic license).  However, I tell you, with no doubt in my mind, that what I suggest will happen, with the players I suggest.  When?  If Christ didn't know, don't look to me for that day and hour.  As I have also said, we will all go through an end.  Whether alone or, in various finalities, as herds.  Keep the oil on hand, trim those wicks, and do not fall asleep.  The Groom is coming, and before him the riders, and before the riders the secular will get their way much to their chagrin.  They are actively making my kin, thinking my kin will do their will.  When have lords abided fleas?  In a purely worldly, secular, manner, that is how that works.  Actually, if that process of procuring super soldiers is going as strongly as I suspect, the coup may have happened or is nearing.  No, you may well not know it has happened.  Nephilim have ruled many times, and learned to not enrage or scatter the sheep upon which they will feed, figuratively and literally... at least not until enough of their assets are in play.

This isn't a conspiracy of which I speak.  This has been known since I was a boy the first time.  If I tender coin of the demesne of mental fragility, it is in that I confuse the voice and thoughts about whom I dream, have visions, thoughts, and daydreams as my own.  Perhaps they are not.  I only claim it, fully, for sure, as the being from my dreams.  Enough sights and sounds those ways and any would begin to suspect, or at the least confuse, self with the subject.  Especially if certain exterior events and sources line up.  Then again, neither do I claim absolutely, nor deny.  If anything, I just suggest the possibility, perhaps probability, having various levels and faiths in such from day to day.  Though, as with rain or snow, I will know it is true when it is, well, raining or snowing.

Now, I have edges of potential madness.  I have suggested such.  This just isn't even one of them.  My madness is believing I will ever be a good housekeeper, after generations of effort.  When my health doesn't fail, my incompetence in the arena does.  When I get an area finally beaten into submission, I usually can go no further and begin falling behind.  Madness, to my life, is knowing I can't do something yet keeping up the hope and effort.  Then again, on this, I don't have another way.  I would need a small fleet, or one dedicated, keeper of the cave.  Well, that isn't the only area.  Trying to stay focused while my mind is so nebulous...  When it does focus, it can do wonders.  It has things to do.  Though I have to admit, when challenged, it takes that process, sticks it in a queue, and bakes it until it is ready.  Unless there is never a good way to do so.  Though it can just as happily spit out the answer in a dream as in waking life, or anywhere between those two.  Bleh.

Oh, just... answering some psychic feedback.  I was dreaming about some of this all night, and laughing.  Dealing with women is like dealing with a cat, sometimes.  One that isn't happy about, say, your beard, yet is furry all over.  They never see it, either.  They see something wrong with you while not realizing how much is wrong with them.  Often disqualifying them as proper critics.  *meow*  But they certainly aren't the only ones.  Many men believe only in the secular these days.  No matter how much of the bible they have read, they don't believe in nephilim, angels, the mark of Cain, or even, quite often, that there are objective truths that are higher than the laws of man.  No matter what they say, the truth is they are disbelievers.  The pressure, in many churches, is to dissuade literal belief and solid believers.  I was surprised to hear this pope openly laugh at and mock priests who do believe.  That squared up this pope exactly.  As that of a disbeliever, a worldly, rollypolly, probably homosexual, reprobate.  But he isn't alone in the clerical field.  In these days he fits right in.  I am surprised the mainstream churches haven't joined.  I suppose it's more of an argument over who gets what from the kitty, at this point.  Oh, don't look to my church, look to your own.  I love my faith, just not the mooks who have, and often do, end up entertaining themselves as the arbiters of my faith.

Someone suggested that their faith is based on a specific man.  If your faith isn't based on Christ, then you have no faith, no way.  Men will fail, it's a guarantee.  Do not put your banner in with those of men.  The more worldly the more false.  Your faith is your own, and either it is your strength and your shield, or it is not.  Just don't base it on Johnny or Jane, Bill, or Hank.  They, and thus you, will fail.

Well... Later.

You ought to get out more often.

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Thankfully, for you, I don't.  As I have mentioned, I used to run to danger.  Then I ran away.  Neither got me where I wished to go.  So I started running by standing still, not to where I wished to go but toward where I needed to be.  As such, while I run to exactly where I should via motionlessness, for the most part, I have time to get out for you.  Musically to be sure.  Though there is some hope it isn't just music.  Not my business or problem either way.

Ouch.

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Probably going back and forth on medicine, toss in pushing more on some days than others, oh and sleep being a bit off.  Not a major set of pains.  Shoulders, neck, and a solid headache.  A handful of anicin, along with medicine, should treat most of it.  A honking bloody nose too, to start my day.  I'll figure it all out before too long.  Maybe I just slept wrong?  No, it's medicine, work, and staying up beyond when my body was comfortable.  Stay up to midnight, if you are a day person, just push through.  Even if you have time to sleep in, that doesn't always help.

My second lens is in.  They are both midrange zooms.  This is all manual, for sure.  There simply isn't a drive in the lens at all.  I wanted that to practice with manual/manual/manual.  With the other lens somewhat autofocus, assuming I set the aperture and program that, if manual adjustments might advised, I can take that on the road.  The manual operated lens is purely for practice and/or for stationary shoots.  Though, perhaps in time, various amounts of movement might be attempted, to truly test skills.  There is a method to my madness.  And that is only part of it.  No one believes until they realize I have thought myself through the second story window and into the larder for a sandwich, then a nap, while everyone else was fussing about what I should or shouldn't do.  *zzz*  :p

Today is going to be kept simple.  Clearing out the last of the dishes and the containers and siphon I used to finish the freezer.  Maybe, if I get that, another shower.  And, just maybe, a run to town for a bite in the late night.  I have taken night medicine, haven taken morning medicine as I was going to bed.  Yeah, sometimes you have to stand things on their head.  Though I best change the waterpill from morning to night so that I will be awake while it is function.  Yeah, that's how my life often works.  I've had worse.  Actually, death isn't the worst.  There are things out there much worse than death and I am one of the few people absolutely qualified to know and tell you.  Still, this bad is only good in a comparative, not absolute, way.  I'll certainly take better should it become available.

Hmm... maybe a music post after this.  I actually wrote this... three, four... five?... hours ago?  Yeah.  It got set aside for this or that, then that or this, and then just because.  So, yeah, I'll wring a couple of posts seemingly back to back.  I have the other already in mind.  Hmm... well... maybe, but not right away.  Just can't get it quite to settle and fit.  Later tonight, maybe.

Pushed on through.

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Enough to get to the post office.  While I was out, I saw that it was recycling day.  My recycling bin is full, so, out it went while I was at it.  I am baked though.  Done.  I thought about calling the V.A. for medicines.  Not today.  Far too tired.  I did set my medicine up for a month and there was enough.  I am beginning to get low, so... soon.  I need to keep that in mind and hope, on some morning when nothing else can be done, that a resupply might be ordered... and an appointment with the doctor.

The cave is seeming better.  A lot better.  I am getting back to work, sometimes more, sometimes less, though daily for the last four, maybe five, days.  Nothing fancy but it sure beats just sitting like a lump.  Even if I am dying, no reason to just sit around waiting for it.  Might as well work my way to it.  Though, as I have suggested, I am simply not that lucky.  Unless, as I have also suggested, "lucky" as in the name of the dog with one eye and ear, only three legs, no tail, and a bit of brain damage.  Alive and... what... skittering along?  *grins*  Yeah, I really could be lucky, in that sense.

I suppose I ought to prepare for bed.  I'll be crashing hard, and probably quickly.  I just hope I haven't pushed to where it gets messy.  Though that's one of those 99 non-bitch things I like to foster.  Good night.

Ha!

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I really wasn't sure I would get to the trash.  I wanted to tend the cat litter first.  I could do one and not the other, not so much the other way around.  Cat litter can fill a kitchen can, if it is partially full already.  I did get it out, then to the curb.  Yeah, there was something a little south of the border in the main bag.  The others aren't usually too bad, just getting minor paper and maybe occasional food items.  But the main kitchen one... nasty.  When I dump refrigerator experiments, or meat that has gone bad, that is where it goes.  I usually attempt to only toss such things right about when I am going to take the trash out.  Though sometimes, like last week, it doesn't end up actually being taken out.

The cave is starting to seem better.  My eye(s) are clearing.  It is even starting to look better, in a few select venues.  I am hoping to get to the post office today.  I'm just not sure I can stay up much longer.  Nor am I at all sure I would be able to wake if I went to bed now.  The post office closes at noon.  I will give staying up a shot, I believe.  I also want to see if it is recycling day.  None of my neighbors had their garbage out.  Hmm...  Oh, perhaps folk were gone for Thanksgiving and simply haven't returned?  No, one of my neighbors, across the street... well, a car has been in and out of the drive.  Though who knows.  I'll see before long, if I can make it.  At least the trash is out and ready.

Doing better and not.  I am working.  I am feeling sort of okay.  When I have to push to stay awake though, it gets a bit ugly.  Hey, but I did get a batch of kefir out.  Just a quart, I need more milk.  I can't get that until Tuesday, it's often not in the stores.  But that should do for now.  I've washed the kefir grains a couple of times, fed them up, and they should be ready for full batches Tuesday.  Good stuff.  It does make me a bit nervous.  But so does everything else... women, my cooking, your cooking, politics, economics, war, peace, success, failure.  Thankfully I have my sanity.

Later.  Quit laughing, damn it!