So cold and difficult.

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I should correct.  The weather isn't cold.  Well, not for me.  It isn't a weather issue.  I have the furnace up to 76° F, and I am freezing... feel cold.  I am warm, at night, with the room temps between 50° and 56°.  But once I wake, I can't just sleep more.  Laying down hurts, if awake.  It might hurt while sleeping too, just not enough to wake me.  And I dress as if for outside.  I can't really dress warmer.

I may try for a nap in a bit.  But I need to get to work, have things to prepare to do, work, and chores.  I have to get going.  A shower and shave would be good.  One battery for the little plow/lawnmower seems good.  I am attempting to revive the other battery.  I may see about starting the plow tonight.  I need to open the driveway.

I noticed a funny.  A cat had pathed by my home.  Most likely, by size of tracks, a tom.  As he got near the window along the length of the drive, he made a cat angel in the snow.  It's an odd thing, but... I am quite sure he was interacting with the ladies.  I wondered why Sam was yeowling.  Her food is good, water is fresh, litter is excellent... but, yes, she likes flirting with her toms.

As well, in the back yard, I had a dog through.  It's the first dog I have seen in a while, dog tracks that is.  And, yes, he went in to look at the ducks.  He pathed through once and was gone.  He came after the cat, which pathed that way but not for the ducks and in the opposite direction.  Sam and the toms leave pheromone Valentines out back.  The toms know where to get some eyecandy, too.

I am pretty sure that means the dog was there this morning.  By Sam's howling, I'd guess the tom was by between three and five.  I just get a sense the dog was through well after the cat.  If it comes back I'll have to discourage it somehow.  Sassy lets me know when people are here, if I notice.  Wish she would let me know of other critters.

Rough.

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My left side hurts, like after sprints from the first week of football or basketball season.  Only as if I got a week off.  It's been that way for nearly a week.  I don't get it.  I am very tired too.  That might just be medicine.  I have been taking heart medicine quite well for some time, but am still a 3.125 mg pill from full dose.  I'll go up the final pill next week.  Ugh.  I don't think I have missed a dose since restarting?  But I am off insulin.  I am out.  I have reordered.  It will be two to four weeks after max meds before I can have a chance at not being perpetually exhausted.  But it is coming.

From exhaustion to being oddly frigid all the time, I suspect the heart medicine combined with the lack of insulin.  The side tearing/burning?  I don't know.  If I can be awake, push through otherwise, I will try to work anyway.  Not sure that is possible.  A goal though.

Beside those problems, there are local issues and money issues.  I am going to have to return the car.  I simply can't afford it.  I bought it thinking SSA was sure to return my income when made aware of their mistake.  Or that the V.A. could, would, help.  Nope.  That income is gone.  Probably politics, but it doesn't matter why.

That will allow me to catch up, but not keep up.  So... other... considerations...  Things I don't want to contemplate are right there in front of me.  Whether I can sort the house out, then hold on long enough to sell it, or whether I'll just have to walk away, I don't know.

Trying to sleep, eat, think... too much.  At some times in life, no matter who you know, with family... you are completely alone in things.  I will be looking at the best way to do things.  A call, then drop the vehicle off?  A letter?  A legal type writ?  It's gotten ugly.  Could get worse quickly, easily.

It looks like at least one of the lawn tractor batteries is dead.  Will check the other shortly.  I may try reconditioning the dead one, but it dropped 30% charge overnight.  Bleh.  Always something else.  At least this wasn't my doing, other than to wrongly trust.

More than a bit angry.

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Again, I found a key in the lawn tractor ignition and the battery dead.  I went to plow the snow out there.  Obviously not possible.  As well, I had three keys.  I am down to one.  Meaning one was removed from my personal keys.  That is that.  It is no longer available for use.  Abuse a trust you get what you get.

I should be in bed.  But without thinking about it, I stretched into the late checking charging.  I had hoped to get the battery filled and back in.  It just got too late.  Beyond a certain hour, rather early around here, loud noises are out, generally.  I needed to get to town.

Oh well.  It's almost three.  Time to hit it.  The battery is charged.  But I haven't put it back in.  Bedtime.  Yea, angry.

Today is the day!

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However...

When I went to set privacy, I had options I didn't realize.  Four folk were given access last time.  That is already set up.  Further, I think I could add access to any others.  It seems straightforward.  If you want access, or on a different email, let me know.  -  I will keep open one more week to get that done.

The addies I have are foamarama, mindfists22, setebos1956, and james, mostly at g mail, save Desert Cat's on a private.  I will allow those and any other who request, save edu, gov, or such.  I will allow .mil but wouldn't advise using that one... unless you are in or of psyops and can talk mice out of cheese, without a trap.  :p

I will not blog about local events, just my hermitage events.  Until closure is asserted.

Music?  Maybe.

One last gig before I go.

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Popping like popcorn, adding simply, like it or not.  A few for the road.

Still frigid.

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I set the furnace to 74°.  Hot fatted coffee and four... actually six to eight hours later, and I am still freezing cold.  I keep almost falling asleep.  I checked several thermometers, all suggest it really is 74° in here.  I will take a hot shower, see if that will help.  I did push the furnace a few more degrees.  Miserably cold.  Another trick, winter setting on the ceiling fan... but how do you know?

It is just me.  If it was cold the girls would be heat vulturing me.

Yeah, a shower.  Then something to eat.  If I can get to it, more... a load of dishes set up?  Hmm, better open a place to sort them.  Then set them up.  I could also get one load of laundry through yet tonight?  Probably.  Ugh.  So cold, when by inside and out readings, it should be copacetic.

Later.  If not, goodbye.

The tub, again.

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The drain is working well.  Or better.  So I wanted to do another scrub in there.  The drill, a large brush fitting, and scrubbing bubbles.  As well, a small pool of hot water.  Then just let the machine fly, after giving the chemicals an half hour to do what they do.  Not perfect but better.

I have looked for ways to clean better.  The truth is that is probably as good as cleaning will do.  Anything else will strip the metal.  The only way to actually improve the tub would require a process, one possible to do at home... diy that is.  It isn't cheap, but is possible... in time.  Once I get caught up, a project in this price range every other month might be the way to go?  Anyway... a vid.

Tending the ducks, it seemed so very cold.  The thermometer read 26° to 28°, which simply didn't make sense.  That, to my mind, is what I consider warm.  I thought, by feel, it would read 10° to -10° F.  No wind, sort of, no gusts.  But it is as if the air is moving as a block... not what I would call wind, more like a current?  A very odd event.  Further, it is freezing in here, as if the heat is being stolen, and it probably is.

I'll turn up the heat.  The hope is to begin small batches of dishes, get another shower, start on boxes, shave, and hit the trash.  Perhaps a load of laundry?  It won't be all that.  Very small attacks on a very large list.  But with the bathroom set up, open, and clean, life can begin again.  If I can warm.  If it is 75° and I can't warm, it is health failing. Nothing I can do.

As I was closing up shop...

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I finally reviewed finances, if rather roughly, last night.  I forgot one bill, at least.  But was rather blocky when counting.  Money is, to say the least, tight.  Further, I am behind on several accounts.  It... will take a month, or three of great care and some luck, to catch everything up.  I will begin soon.

Even when caught up, it will be extremely tight.  I thought about trying for a job, but with my schedule shifting as much as twelve hours a week, especially when tiring myself as prep, travel, and the function of a job would exacerbate that... I might make a paycheck, perhaps two.  I've done this rodeo before.  Even college, with just a few classes four days a week, with showering most days first and travel, homework and test stress...  I couldn't keep up.  Even ritalin couldn't always push me over the line.

I don't think I could handle ritalin now.  It was like trying to use rocket fuel in a propeller plane, for me, back then.  Far from becoming an addiction, it was a horror to take.  I... never could take it daily, every day.  Every three day weekend I went without, every holiday I could go without, I did.  A few times a week when I absolutely couldn't get going, or knew I 'had to' do things, more if I could take them.  If I needed down time, I wouldn't touch the stuff for a week or however long needed.  Brutal.  My physical body is truly mostly dead.  Nothing will undo that.  Nothing can sneak me past it.

So, no other stream of income actually possible, it's... down to... very few options.  To be honest, selling the cave, then renting, wouldn't save all that much.  As little privacy and security as I have now, even that would decrease.  Finding a place, with two cats, is impossible.  So... just leaving them.  And, more, trying to sell the house as things are?  Only economic propagandists believe the economy is good, improving.  Anyone in what had been the middle class knows our spending power is closer to the working poor than anything like even the dregs of the former middle class we had been a party.  Gold isn't going up in value, the dollars which purchase it are drowning in their increased volume.  Even then, gold is being kept from actual market value by central planners, because if it were allowed to tell the real economic story about inflation WWIII would happen so fast people would get whiplash right before they became toast.

Yea.  So... my problems aren't... all that.  Still, double double toil and trouble.  It is what I have to my lot.  The world elite are too busy thieving and backstabbing for what will end as a pretty sparkle of space dust and lure for the hellbound than to deal with... anyone else's problems.  Cold, dark, dangerous, and treacherous.  I had missed one.

Did it, again.

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In spite of the realization that The world I knew is gone.  That the horde, through betrayal by every type of elite we have, has won.  It is just a, hopefully, slower end of all of the West.  I got some of my chores finished.  It is difficult realizing even doctors are foreign more than not.  Not as an equality thing, merely because they will do... especially to Americans, what actual Americans wouldn't.  Eliminations.

It isn't just Democrats at this point.  It isn't even just GOPe, or neocons.  The differences are fiction, at this point.  Just another circus.  Anyway.

No dishes.  But the tub was cleaned as well as possible.  Then the whiskers were trimmed.  Finally a shower was had.  Oh, I set up a nest area for Sam.  I used to have a chair in there.  She, with it, could get up to a fourth level drawer.  I removed the chair for various reasons.

She kept begging for... something.  I just, I couldn't focus!  Finally, today, I remembered, was in there, could sort of think.  So it got done.  I wondered if it was too high, at a third level, so got a small step-piece set up.  She actually seemed insulted.  She really needs it.  Bleh.  Women!  She will eventually go the easy way.

I am absolutely finished.  So tired and a bit sore that sleep might be difficult.  I had to turn the furnace to 74° to warm, which allowed me to get going.  Half way through I had to turn it down.  Still too hot, but it will settle shortly.  Oh, one more day and it will be time to shut it all down.  I think I can, will.

It seems so cold, dark, dangerous.

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I called to order medicine.  Then to schedule.  My former doc told me they would be calling to reschedule... Monday.  He had called to check on me?  Say goodbye?  No one called.  I had all but forgotten.  Calling about medicine reminded me.  I believe everything is arranged.

I received flak about missing appointments.  I cancelled one, but did miss the other.  The first time I called, I was transferred to a line that rang but was never picked up and didn't go to message.  Punishment, I assume.  When I called back it sounded like the same guy.  I suggested he not do that again.  Why would he care anyway?  He should be more concerned that a vet can't make an appointment due to illness than that an appointment was missed.  Bureaucrats!

After, I called my mom.  They are having an exceptional winter.  It's in the 50's!  I've never heard of that, at this date, in Iowa.  Not ever to my memory.  Unless she was joking?  I'll look it up after.  This year seems colder than usual, but maybe it isn't.  Last year seemed far nicer.  Can't trust the weather news, I've noticed they change past reports.  Not all, but some.

Other than that, she seems well.  Especially considering I woke her from a nap.  I told her I was freezing despite having the furnace up and being well dressed, at least for indoors.  The wind, she said.  We don't have much today, but more than usual?  She may be right.  It's 21° or 22°, but feels colder, outdoors and in.

Sore again this morning.

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This time it was earned.  Mostly snow removal.  I never did get to the tub.  Or anything else.  Still, not a bad run yesterday.  My back is rough, and organs are a bit ginger.  That is as it should be when pulling a ship out of extended mothballing.  I still plan to work and make calls today.  The tub, then a shower, and some dishes... in small manageable batches.  Perhaps a slow start on boxes.

It's a beautiful day, but frigid, especially after being above freezing yesterday.  It's a darned good thing I got the snow and slush off.  It was about 12° F this morning.  Oddly, the duck's water was not very thickly frozen.  So much so that they had easily opened it this morning.  It suggests the hard freeze didn't happen until recently.  Another possibility is that someone changed their water this morning, before I got to it?

The strange thing is that both last night and this morning their water was very clean.  I might even dare call it pristine.  A very strange thing for ducks, who drink, bath, and 'go' in the same water.  Perhaps, overnight, they sensed the hard cold so eshewed the water from instinct.  But yesterday was well above freezing even by the later water change.  Very odd.

Sleep was good.  Again.  I had to totally reset blankets after the spinning yesterday night.  Amazing how twisted, cocoon like, they were.  I also dreamed.  I was the daughter, of a middling wealthy merchant, somewhere coastal on the south of what is now Europe.  Odd that even our poor have easier lives than the rich back then. Even kings... the best they could do was move from greater to lessor misery, as possible.  Just having antibiotics is a miracle, for as long as they still work.  If it doesn't help that governments are weaponizing bio enemies on top of all else though.

An interesting dream.  Don't know how factually based it was, but... seemed... right.  Such dreams ensure my satisfaction with being a man.  The neurosis common to being female... or worse... has roots in the simple reals.  If they are properly protected, they are caged.  If they aren't, they become simple permanent victims.  The world isn't fair.  Less so for women, and it only gets less so with age, more so and more quickly, for them.  Yea, I definitely am glad I can stand to pee!

I best get fresh tea going.  I have a timer set to feed the girls.  Perhaps hit their litter after setting tea to go.  Then spend time waking before hitting the tub?  A shower after cleaning.  A whisker trim too, soon.  Getting better, mostly, if that is beating me up.  Something about returning to life really hurts.  I do wonder if Lazarus, when called from the tomb, suffered as well... at least in the waking portion.  Ugh, but quickening is brutal.

I did it!

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It busted me up a bit.  I used a shovel, the snowblower, and the plow, then salted a few areas.  I had to shovel to get the snowblower out, which allowed me to move the suv, which allowed me to get the plow out.  It could have been done differently but not as well or efficiently.

The snowblower really does handle slush, very well.  If it ices that is another thing... only heavy salting, perhaps a big people plow, and time will work ice sheets.  I had to get to it or have an iced driveway.  Shoveling is the most difficult.  The snowblower really takes it out of you.  Though with long passes it would be much better.  I was clearing a ten by fifteen yard area... a pain to have to turn almost as soon as I got going, or reverse.  The plow was the easiest, but still takes it out of a guy.

When finished I was done.  I still have to feed and water the ducks and cats again, hit the litter again, eat something, and maybe hit, as in clean, the tub.  I have hit it with scrubbing bubbles several times since last night, but forgot to do more... or ran out of energy.  I also tried heavy duty drain cleaner several days ago, but it doesn't seem to have done any better than anything else.  Nothing works well, or quickly.

I will be wiped by the end of the day.  Oh, I did two other things yesterday.  I cleaned the toilet well.  It was pretty good, just... a bit too bachelor.  I have found a trick to both stand to pee and not be too messy.  I don't do it every time, and nothing is perfect.  A pee pail/bottle, like at hospitals.  It stretches the time between cleaning.

As well, I got to my finger and toe nails.  They were hurting, the toe nails... they grow in wrong.  I've noticed for weeks, a month, probably longer.  I just couldn't figure what to do.  Seriously, it's been that bad.  Finally awake and aware, and with the time and energy yesterday!  My feet are so very happy.

A good two day run.  Oh!  Bills, pills, and maybe registration?  Tomorrow?  If I'm not in a coma.  Seriously.  Pushing too hard.

Good, bad, ugly.

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Sleep was fantastic.  I did have to wake and reset blankets.  Different problem this time.  Rather than removed and set in piles, it was as if a fish trying to twirl out of nets.  I didn't remember twisting and turning but... that happens.  It was hell to get out and reset, I could barely wake to do so.  Oofta.  Still, it was an excellent sleep.  I hadn't actually gotten cold yet.  So no suffering other than having to wake a bit.  Sometimes that isn't a problem, sometimes it really is.

I did wake really late, three to four hours later than usual.  I often slip an hour or two, when I  start slipping.  Or twelve or more.  This was an odd amount.  Whatever.  I woke with my organs feeling like redheaded step children... blue on black.  It has mostly faded, mostly.

I am doing enough better so as to feed, water, and else, for all, not just more regularly but better.  Cat litter is back to twice daily.  As well, I tore into the water fountain for the girls.  I had realized how bad that was recently, so started offering them a large bowl, changing it daily.  I finally cleared, cleaned, and reset their fountain today.  They really love that with the carbon filter and large supply, when it is kept up.

The ducks got hungry enough to break down and eat the new stuff.  They tore through three days of feed quickly.  I am holding of giving them more until later today.  Two much simply isn't wise.  I am hoping to try the snow blower today.  Slushy snow.  Above freezing.  Scary to leave out.  It would ice over terribly.  Not sure how I would chip that off, out.

Getting slightly better.

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I think the delay is due to being dazed and confused.  Though... who knows.  My mind might be changing?  It... can do that when coming out of such devastating psychic darkness.  Still, it is probably still planned, when I can think to do it.  Such a brutal existence lately.

Yesterday was a record day.  I reset medicine in time to take them without pushing.  That itself was something.  But, seeing... troubles... I texted for help.  I ran out of duck feed.  I had to beg, but...  Wouldn't for myself, but for the critters I will.  He also wanted to work on the lawn tractor, and see about the snow blower... put "paddles" on the impellers.

I mixed up when he would arrive.  I finally was able to realize that if I couldn't do the dishes, or right away, I could at least drain them so as to shower.  It is so difficult when even the mind is in fog and shadow.  Anyway, that didn't work either.  The drain decided, at that moment, to stop working!  Or go so slow as to be all the same.

Still, a sitz bath.  Right as I was into it, he arrived.  Had to talk-shout through the door, but it all worked.  I never ended up being much help, but made it out to help on the last of one and then the other task.  And got the bag of feed offloaded and in the feed bin, plus fed the quackles.

I was absolutely shot by the time we were done.  Getting dizzy just from standing that long and in the cold.  I am keeping medicines the same one more week, then putting an extra 3.125 mg in at night.  The next refill will include one of those added both medicine times.  It is what it takes, if it is nearly six times what my uncle used.  Yeah, it is harsh.  Anyway...

I did get that.  Oh, and cat litter.  By the way, where the compressed newspaper pellets absolutely failed, the wood pellets work perfectly.  The girls are learning to poop in the standard stuff but pee in the wood pellets.  I may keep using the crystal stuff, for one of the three pans.  It is both more affordable as a group and it isn't such a large purchase requirement per month.  And the girls seem happy.

Short but exceptional.

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Sleep that is.  You can't enjoy sleep until you get poor sleep with no rest from it, and for a while.  With as dysfunctional as I have been for so long, I am surprised I am able to find good rest.  Part of why is that I no longer judge or attempt to drive myself so harshly.  What did Cohen say in a later interview?  Something about no longer having an internal voice screaming at him that he is fucking up?  Right, right.  I gave that voice to the only one who has a right to it, and He doesn't need it or use it.

I must admit, I thought I would be dead by now, this time.  I have sat for months.  All attempts to get to work end up nought.  Or worse, as with dishes, blocking up my access to the shower.  I would die to have a shower, but there is a heretofore insurmountable mountain of effort in the way.

I look at it, I reset it, I...  today?  Always a hope.  I look around me.  I want it fixed.  With help, but not alone.  Stuck in my head, able to see but not do.  I went without games, hoping that would force the issue.  I just slept more.  So I found games.  Though for a while, I couldn't play games either... months?  They produce more drive, but not of body.  At least there is entertainment and vestiges of action, activity, function, when I can play.  It offers... something.

Perhaps as medicine normalizes, I can dig back in?  Will see soon.

Been without insulin for a while.  Blood sugar is 154 fasting?  Okay.  I will check it after a fatted tea.  Curious now.  That is nearly as good as it gets with long-acting insulin provided.  Fast acting alone too, sometimes.  Quite strange.  With that idea, I set a fresh pot of tea to brew.  Such a very strange world.  But in God's hands, even as a failure, it isn't a bad one.  Some people in it, but that isn't my problem even when it is.  Mostly.

You do terrify.

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Some of you don't know, but there is at least one among you who knows what I post as I write it.  I suspect several.  How?  Tech isn't my field, sight is.  Pattern recognition, the human, other two-legs, as well as a few other things are my areas.  Although I am pretty sure the watchers don't realize I know, or forgot I do have real sight.

Proof?  Someone just visited this post, a day before publishing this post.

But that isn't what terrifies.  A real or imagined beautiful body, mind, or soul will often find covetous eyes upon it.  Creepy as that is, it is no surprise.  It is your responses.  Some of you get far too much, or understand in ways which can undo me.  Even those with only kindness in your intent.  Those who hate, I... merely commiserate.  I... understand.  Save those who can and do harm.  You are wrong, and know it.  Even just in your hate, but to act on hate is... google.  For they no longer pretend to try not to be.

It is because of the harm those who hate are inflicting that I am going.  Mostly bureaucrats from what I can tell, at the federal level.  Still, they aren't the truly frightening.  I can see it in the pops... the music, humor, sadness, perhaps joy?  I... I think so.

The final public post approaches.

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Mostly the betrayal of a foggy mind or it would be done, or out there anyway.  I intended to write the notice, give it time, put out the first post, give it a few days, then put out the last post and give it several days.  Several things, actually, are proving problematic.  The timing is only slightly elongated due to confusion.  But my need to post, and some trepidation about whether to post, after creating the "last two" music posts at all... I just wasn't sure.  Pops, so many.  They were from y'all.  Still...

Once I pulled the trigger, the mind has become foggier as time has slipped my grasp.  The "last of the two music posts" should be popping soon.  Today or tomorrow.  Blogger has me on a foreign timestamp and server.  It is banished, with no way to get a correct timestamp.  Which probably means most people couldn't find it.  Anyway, that means no matter my input, I never know when something I post and queue will actually post.

A few days after, I will figure out how to cut the feed... to most of you.  The "last post" will explain that.

Another good sleep, if a bit shy.  Warm.  And I didn't keep waking to see if I was too cold.  Sam insisted I wake.  She never wakes me unfairly, so... rather than be a putz, I woke.  I probably fed them only once two days in a row?  I don't think so...  Hmm, litter?  Ah, that might be it.  I'll figure it soon.  I turned the furnace up and set an alarm.

Now for meds.  Perhaps eggs?  If they are good.  Oh, but dishes and the stove need hit first!  Ugh.  Later.

Perfect sleep.

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As close to perfection as I have had in some time.  So exceptional I slept longer than needed, something I don't like to do.  I often sleep many hours, or too few.  But when I wake, usually I not only want to get up, I have to rouse.  This was an exception, a rare one.

I reset blankets and the bedspread, settled in, then drifted swiftly to sleep.  Occasionally I would send feelers out, while maintaining sleep, to make sure my body wasn't too cold, or too hot.  It was always within tolerances.  With an inner smile, I would drift back to the unconscious nether.

I woke, officially, at 3:30 or so.  But wanted more, perhaps needed after having to fight for sleep the last few nights.  At least now, if needed or wanted, I can take a bit more time.  While the modern world demands a daily schedule, I don't... think that is natural.  When you drive men like animals, you do end up with bad behavior.  Well, and it leaves some behind.  Most.

Truth is, in almost any other time, if I hadn't been worked to death, I would have been left to die, one way or another.  Then, again, I actually should have failed, living on my own.  I often fall off medicine.  I rarely eat well.  It... even the cold could get me.  So many ways to die, and, yet, I remain.  Just enough food, medicine, heating or cooling, etc.  But just enough.  I wonder if getting as much as I seem to want would be lethal?  As if, to a degree, it matters.

Ducks and cats need fed.  Hopefully dishes and a shower soon.  Ugh.

Almost another cold night.

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This time I didn't let sleep or weariness keep me down.  Twice I woke to being down to one blanket.  Each time so very cold.  I shook myself awake and aware enough to set the blankets right.  The second time I checked more carefully, perhaps even using a flashlight to see... can't remember.  They definitely weren't just folded or kicked off.  Three were removed into separate piles.

I set the bed up correctly at bedtime.  I thought it right, from the start, but something was off so I redid my bed.  So... each blanket removed, set out in a true layering, then some tucked so as to make a partial sleeping bag.  That was somehow dismantled, twice, last night.  After the second time it remained whole.  I had to fight for it, but got a mostly toasty sleep for it.  My body feels a bit more rested, less sore... achy.

A struggle, but a good omen for the new year?  I didn't quite make it to midnight.  I definitely tried.  I was about fifteen minutes away.  I just couldn't even sit correctly, and my eyes were on fire.  My body and it's parts were in full revolt.  Absolutely no choice.  Oh, it was fun to try.

I felt awful most of yesterday.  I was wondering if blood pressure was horrible.  Nope, it was 135/95 with a pulse of 78.  Blood sugar?  At 158 without insulin, not bad.  So... no.  It must just be medicine.  Organs don't feel good, flu type symptoms... light.  But it isn't the flu.  Hmm, even the heart was uncomfortable, as if pumping was a struggle.  It was... tired?  Sore from that too.  Better this morning, so far.  And no problems beyond blanket stealing entities and occasional cold through the night.

Well... hopefully work today.  Dishes and laundry.  Uhrm, after waking and tea or coffee.  Much better to sleep warm, even a bit too warm, than otherwise.

Two final posts?

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Video posts, anyway.  Videos started popping.  Most new, a few old...  Why?  I decided to create two posts to break them up, as a gift, or bane, to my compatriots, sympathizers, and haters.  I suspect it was a bit from each of you... what created the froth.  Still, I am done.  I will not comment.  Every one of these popped since I retired.

Ducks, cats, and pork.

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To each their own.  To cats and ducks, from the pig.  A pork shoulder roast with buttered cabbage and raw whole milk.  It isn't bacon.  As my tastes are now, it is better.  Too much bacon is sugared, some is over smoked, some seems too thin or maybe rancid.  Price is no guarantee.  Actually spendy and cheap stuff have more in common than either with the middle.  I was enjoying odds and ends until rancidity became the norm.  The garbage bin has been pulled back while out.

Anyway.  Fed, all of us.  The furnace is going.  It was set to 72° as a starter.  If I take a nap shortly, begin working, or two hours slip by, I'll turn it down to 68°.  It is just good to warm, well, in the mornings.  Especially having been cold most of the night.  And it was strangely cold out there.  I believe it was eight, but frost was hanging off everything.  A bit of precip or humidity, whichever with wind heading westerly with a slightly northern tick.  A strange pattern.  That would have added to last night but not explained the blankets.

Never mind.  I am hoping to work, but food after extended accidental fasting is burning my dance card, and my love, doing dishes, is looking heavy in my arms.  Even sitting, but definitely gaming, are heavier still.  I'd still like to push to nine or ten.  It will help make it a nap, not a true failure to wake.  It increases the chance to gain and keep the day.  Legs hurt, from the cold last night.

Bleh.  Later.

A few more posts until I can figure.

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I will continue to blog.  Therapy, habit... addiction?  Perhaps with no visitors, it will fade.  Or it will become more... legitimate.  Without having to worry about the obvious sensitivities of others, prejudices even if correct, I can just write.  Oh, hey, I completely empathize.  As a crippled man knows better than to think he is normal, I know, and every flaw and blemish is plain before one called to God.  Good God, I refuse to accept broken, wrong, fallen, as acceptable.  I... just am.  Everyone is, most simply don't explore it.  Well, and volume and depth?

I will, as soon as fog lifts, figure out privacy settings.  There are people I would allow, if I knew how.  But that would take digging into the guts of the digital beast, plus trial and error.  I'm not doing well.  Just finding the privacy setting is proving a challenge.  I had created a few posts from the flood of vids that poured in since my announcement.  I cancelled them.  I may put them back in the queue?  Anyway...  Back to regularly scheduled programming, for now.
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Rough.  Meds are doing well, save insulin.  I am out.  Days are back in session, so I will call in.  I am low on everything but should have a week or two of the pill medicine.  I can't make sense of the automatic system... too many doctors, prescriptions, long numbers, dates.  They ask too much from at least this one.  One, three, hoops too many.

Blood sugar is sub 200, but just.  Haven't been eating much.  Doing so little it doesn't matter.  The body hurts, sometimes intensely, but the fog cuts the volume to less than numb horror.  I don't bother with aspirin, it wouldn't touch the pain but might gift a bloody nose.  Life is like a crisp winter day with a fresh foot of snow and a very overcast sky.  Beautiful, quiet, alone, but deceptively dangerous.  Death is here, and patient.  I would know, it is... my game.  Was.

I don't know when I was to bed.  No later than 20:00?  Probably several hours earlier?  I kept waking cold, but shouldn't have been.  I finally opened the vent to the main room.  That keeps it five to ten degrees warmer, well into my optimal sleeping range, easily, with my bedding setup.  Couldn't figure it out, in part because sleep was so needed.  Not until three was I able to wake enough to consciously take stock.

Blankets were off, the top two layers.  An unusual thing.  I don't kick off, usually just putting feet out if too hot.  I know it was set rightly at bedtime, because I was cold.  Never did warm through the night.  Ghost?  Seriously, I... have visitors.  Not all are ghosts.  Not all are kind.  Though the dark ones... seem to fear me, much as how the cats carefully consider being willful in my presence.  Dunno.

Up at 5:00 to thirty after.  A lot of sleep.  Too much.  Perhaps because I never got warm?  The cold can take it out of me.  Did.

I did get most of the trash collected and out.  I had hoped to get more, but took what I could, when I could, how I could.  I think I got a friend in trouble, kin as I see it, with my predicament.  It wasn't his fault.  A man just has to tend his matters and I just wasn't as able to do so.  It... isn't even my fault.  It just happens.

I'll grab the barrel back, feed and water critters, sort cat litter, then plot.  Call for medicine, hopefully hit the dishes, then shower.  And maybe start in on the kitchen and boxes?  Oh, and start the grill for a pork roast.  I have steamed cabbage to go with it.  It's been so long since I've had a real meal.

It is about time to retire.

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From blogging.

The world has changed.  People have moved on, or off, or died.  Those who remain don't make sense.  Perhaps they never did.  Maybe I just didn't get it.  I had thought I did.  Sure don't now.  It is such a dark world.  Some of that might be reflections of age and illness.  Most of it is the reality of what is happening.

It will get gradually darker still.  There isn't a way around it.  If your nation is looking less and less familiar, if you don't recognize, or understand your neighbor, or preacher, teacher, or the new cop?  When every news channel looks the same and reports the same fake news?  When even white male politicians of one party, sometimes both, think the death of white males is a good thing... and still get elected?

There is nothing more to say.  I just hope there is time to Yoda out rather than living long enough to have to war just to live.  It's coming.  It was easily foretold.  Few realized it would be... this way, or with "our own" leading the destruction.  Insanity, evil, it is here?  Tibet was a small nation.  But the United States?  I guess, family by family, city by city, and state by state, the destruction was small, slow, yet sure.  Look to Virginia as a most recent example, though not the worst.  Or, not yet.

Good luck folks.  And good bye.

A shorter sleep?

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I think so.  To bed by 18:00, but sleep was elusive.  A good night for prayers.  Some suggest meandering prayers are to be avoided.  For children and the dying, sometimes that is all that is available.  To be honest, I would rather pray openly, honestly, faithfully, simply, while stumbling through rather than do a directed strike, in and out, asking for what I or even someone else needs or worse wants, then be on my way.

Even when short on time, I spend a bit of extra time giving thanks and praise, first.  He already knows what is being requested.  So should I die before finishing asking, He already Has it.  What He enjoys is having His chosen spend a little time with Him.  Well, that is how I see it.

Anyway.  I woke, finally, around 1:30.  I woke several times through the night.  Ice slipping on the roof, some other odd sounds never quite identified, or just because.  Sleep was good, but shorter, more difficult to obtain and maintain, blocky.  I keep thinking about work, too.

Upon waking, I started on dishes.  The tub is slow to drain, but I have things set up for as soon as that happens.  Perhaps a load of laundry, two if they are small yet today.  Wools and whites, the rest is pretty much done.  After dishes, a shower and shave.  Ducks will get watered, fed if needed.  The girls have already been fed, but litter needs sorted.  Ugh.

If I can move on dishes and shower, I can get back to the list, kitchen and boxes.  Perhaps some business affairs I am sorely behind regarding, and... maybe some sort of winter outing.  Bundling as needed and a short walk?  I don't know, but I really want to go do something.  I love the winter, mountains, and getting out.  You would think me a hermit, a truth not a choice.  Later.

Freezing, but shouldn't be.

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It is, was, 12° F out there.  It dropped to 6° to 8°.  It really does often cool just at dawn.  That shouldn't be a problem.  I had thought I had acclimated to winter temperatures.  Something in the air is different.  Drier?  Or wetter, but cold enough to change how it feels?  I thought I might lose fingers or toes when watering the ducks shortly after waking.

I have started the grill, for beef delights, compliments to my brother.  Even dressed well for the cold it really hit me.  Even with the grill going, deliciously warm, glowing a bright orange, the cold is too intense to find a reprieve from regardless how close I get to the grill.  Still, warm food, especially meat, and hot fatted coffee, will have to be the payoff.

So, am I freezing because of health, medicine, or just a special weather situation?  I can't know.  It might be a bit of each.  Never mind, supper will fix it, I hope.  If not, perhaps getting to dishes and a shower may.  If all else fails, bundling to sleep should work.  Good night, well and morning... day.

Oofta. Watch what you eat!

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Lost in the medicine restart, I must not have put the chicken away in time.  Just the razor's edge of bad, but I got it.  I realized it at the second bite.  Texture... slightly too yielding, spongy.  Hungry as I was I quit immediately.  Not fast enough if... it could have been worse, would definitely have been worse if I hadn't the will and knowledge.

As is, three tortoise sprints to the facilities through sleep.  So tired, but the horror of the option, on a real timer counting down...  I wouldn't call any race fast, merely suggest they were all fast enough.  I may keep the bedpan up there, just in case.  If, because of it's nature, that would be an absolute last resort if no other option were available.

The first event tore me from sleep so quickly and violently that everything hurt.  Getting up quickly, from the floor, before my body had time to warm, stretch, prepare, was also part of it.  Not that it was all that fast, just faster than those things could happen.  I took a handful of aspirin.  It took from the first event at twenty thirty to waking at zero thirty for the stuff to work.

My second food event for the season.  The other I thought would see me in the ER.  I used Carolina reaper flecks in menudo... a Mexican tripe and hominy soup.  Hot!  Most folk can't go there.  I also have ghost pepper flakes, but to my tastes, the Carolina's are hotter.

Anyway, Sam was being bother, so I went all expressive vocally and with face and body.  Forgetaboutit!  Down my spoon went, into da soupa.  Uppa came a droppa da stuff, inna my eye!  Wow.  You think the tongue can be a wuss!  Everything everywhere in that area screamed.  I didn't know there were that many finely sensitive nerve receptors anywhere.  Wowsa!

As soon as I could think, I decided to rinse it.  But!  Water makes it worse, dairy makes it better... in the mouth.  But washing the eye with raw cream, with living cultures?  Water.  If that failed, I had a back up plan.  That I was able to think that clearly in that much pain?  Then again, as mentioned, I am... quite familiar with pain, lots and lots, extremely deep, pain.  Pain isn't my middle name, it is a price for humility.  Humility won't save me, but it can help see the narrow way easier.

I haven't had this much trouble with food since the girlfriend who kept poisoning me.  Actually I think there were several.  Three bad apples, peaches?, in an orchard, given that there was an orchard instead of a pair, pear?, isn't bad.  Hmm?  Thinking way out loud, my little chucklebunnies.

The soup had also been piping hot.  I like doubling down in some areas.  So I was worried.  Sure, I have touched something I bet was 1000° (the stainless grill engulfed in the fire and sitting on red coals for ten minutes on a hot day), and not burned.  But besides being mechanically hot, this was chemically hot, and involving, essentially, an interal organ.  I was just hoping the damage wouldn't be permanent.

*slush flush*  just one go, then to see, or try, literally.  Hmm?  No... problem.  None.  I still flushed three or four more times.  Then toweled off and went on my way as if nothing had happened.  No pain, redness, sensitivity, itchiness... nothing.  My eye hasn't felt better in years.  All good.  Sometimes I wonder if I am human.  Sometimes I simply know better.

Later.

Still rather empty.

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Medicine.  It takes a toll.  I have no idea when I go to sleep or wake.  Sometimes I wake too hot or cold, but can do nothing but suffer until sleep returns, hoping no damage will be done.  Numb, mostly, but pain is returning.  That is actually a good thing.  Without pain, I can't react to it.  And I'm not quite alive.  It's a dangerous situation.

I think I was awake until 13:00 to 14:00.  It was a haul, but I made it.  Sometime in the mid to later afternoon (?) I heard the lawn tractor being started, unsuccessfully.  I had some concerns, so went down.  He hadn't tried to charge the old battery, putting in the new.  He was having trouble even so.  I thought he had already put the new starter wire in, but... not.

A bit of talk.  I checked the old battery.  It was down, but just to 70%.  I put it on 2 amp charge, expecting an overnight charging cycle, if just an ignorant guess.  Still, that was the lowest charge rate.  Then went back out.  We discussed new parking arrangements, and some other things while he tinkered with the machine.  His pop drove by, we waved, so he stopped by for a bit.

Some things sorted, a lawnmower removal request, oh, and I asked if he would pick up my Christmas pack from my mom.  I've been stuck, here at home, in more ways than one, for... a while.  Pretty much since starting medicine.  In gratitude I gladly shared out some of the goodies.  It is good to share out a bit anyway.  I checked the battery as he went to the post for me.  Fully charged!

After, I crashed until midnight thirty.  I have been roughly up since.  Trying to get back to work.  Mostly just... thinking on the notion.  Gaming can help kickstart getting going.  Unfortunately the game I am trying to use has too steep of a learning curve to really dig in very deeply, while being all I have available, so...  Well, and is extremely stressful to play solo, if probably worse in groups.  I just drift between attempting to read and make sense of blogs and news sources, getting wrekt gaming, writing, and listening to music.

The ducks and girls have been tended.  Dishes are set up, but will need a lot of work.  Which needs to happen as I need a shower.  I am hoping to get at least a washing, so I can set them out and shower before resetting them.  Always something.  An attempt at... more gaming? news? blog reading?  Unless I crash.  Later.

A pleasant Christmas meal.

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The chicken was correctly done and still juicy.  I only had cranberries with the second meal.  It was amazing.  As with holidays, often, I ended up eating a bit too much.

I won't get to any work, other than putting the chicken away.  Tomorrow, or soon, I will be back to more.  Medicine is still plundering energy and will.  To have a Christmas meal, pretty much on Christmas day, will do nicely as for... if a minor... success.  I will get the girls and ducks food, water, and else, before going to bed.  Instead of their usual snacks, the ladies received chicken meat earlier.

Good night and day.

Making my move.

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I had hoped to clean the oven, then roast a chicken, on Christmas day.  Two out of three, given my schedule, with the possibility of all three and dishes?  Maybe.

I missed cleaning the oven as a first thing.  It is too psychically foggy to keep everything ordered, even often on good days.  So be it.  I started the oven.  At some point there is no easy way to change directions.  Cooling off the oven, at that point, then cleaning it, then... no.  Just... just no.

Hit a wall.

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I had been putting life back together.  Work was beginning.  Then the last few days... nothing.  I don't remember... what has been happening?  Anything?  I had to stop and think...  Ah, medicine.  I am nearly on full dose.  Started Monday.  It seemed to be going well until it wasn't.  At some point everything went blank.  Well, and meds are inverted, due to the sleep schedule.  I take morning pills at night, when I wake up, so the waterpills can work while I am awake.  And they work, if I need three to work.

Blood sugar is high, at 178 fasting.  It is a combination of not eating enough or often enough, and higher doses of one or all heart medicines.  Perhaps the waterpills push something out?  I'll keep at it as able.  It was down to 84 yesterday, for no good reason.  Bleh.

Mostly numb, if I can tell pain is back in behind that.  Medicine related.  I will have to slowly pull out of the numbness, dealing with intense pain, until I get beyond both, mostly.  It is just how these things work.  For good or ill, it is keeping me alive.  And as little as I can do when fully medicated and beyond the worst of it, it is more, better.  I only fell off trying to increase dosage to trim the last bit of problematic blood pressure, mind you.  Too much or too little and that is that.

At least there is no need for painkillers yet.  Sleep and wake cycles are mostly in check, reasonable, if inverted.  I'll make it.  I did check, looks like I have been taking my medicine.  It is easy to lose doses in the fog.  Not yet.  I get through this stage quicker if I don't miss doses.  Hard to remember in the fog, but worth the effort.  It's like trying to leave notes for a future forgetful self, where you will probably be and when and while you might be more aware... without overdoing it.  Too much, as with storm warnings, and it just gets tuned out.

I will try to get to dishes tonight, and chicken!  It's just a little turkey you know.

She must be alone too.

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A few songstresses as proxy.  Yeah... I can see that.  She is flirting on my wave length, stroking my cortex, stirring the testosterone system from port to stiff.

Happy Christmas Eve

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I woke just as it switches.  I didn't get out shopping, but had found lamb chops at a reasonable price last time, and thawed it and a chicken.  The chicken for tomorrow.  No work was done, mostly, earlier.  I may work on the oven tonight, and try to clear dishes for use, but nothing else.

Blood sugar is a bit high at 168 fasting.  Only two meals does that.  I will grill the chops shortly.  And check the ducks.  It was 36° F or warmer earlier.  Quite nice.  A heat wave.  I greatly doubt that remains, but even 25° is a heat wave this winter.  If it is warmer, it is much easier to change their water.

As mentioned, a chicken is for tomorrow... if it thaws in time.  I... have methods, if they aren't preferred.  No cranberry?  Actually I just might have bought an extra.  Nope, I have two cans!  And the whole berry type!  *blush*  I must have bought and forgot.  I can have a real Christmas dinner... uhrm, whenever it might happen.  Christmas and Thanksgiving dinner this year?  Noice.  I may not deserve it, I won't worry about that.  Then again, who actually does deserve it?  I... wouldn't raise my hand if you aren't walking on water.

Merry Christmas too, by the time I post.  Be well.

Up early.

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The new early is late?  Around 21:30.  Crashed at 15:30, after taxes, duties, and fees.  Six hours down, since I crashed asleep immediately.  After thanking God for the opportunity to successfully serve His wishes, will.  I don't know that He wants, say, for me to clean house.  But I do believe He wants us to live well, rightly.  If we can't, to strive to do so.  And humbly, with a smile.  I ought to find good whistling tunes.

If it hurts the whole time, make those pains oblations.  He knows, and He suffered both first and best.  Not asking for that, necessarily.  If there isn't a way around suffering in flesh, whether heaven or hell bound, at this time.  It is just that if you are hellbound there will never be a reprieve.  Pain becomes, if blindly as a secondary target, the or a goal.  For the heavenbound, pain is a teacher, an offering, a thing to embrace so as to know well enough to one day release, letting go of as with sin and death.

Anyway.  Today?  I am not sure.  Perhaps hitting dishes.  Then seeing about a load of laundry.  If a store is open, perhaps seeking a cornish game hen, and associated feast vittles.  I keep sweeping the bathroom.  Now that it is clean, I am trying to keep it, as if finding a spot of sanity and serenity in an insane world, so desperately clinging to it like a man clinging to debris in a storm after a shipwreck.  It feels like grabbing at straws in a tornado... where they haven't been outlawed yet.  Gah!

Anyway.  Food, dishes, laundry, more trash out even if I didn't get it to the curb on time...  which... I didn't... I will bag it and put it in the garage.  I'll have to see about bag tags.  Though I usually don't have this much trash.  It just collected off and then starting medicine.  And, if there is more, work in the kitchen.

My back is killing me.  It's not the kidneys, just the lower back.  A handful of aspirin, though the first since restarting medicine and for earned reasons.  Achy, but all muscular skeletal from beautiful efforts.  I... enjoy this sort of pain.  Just... been numb, or foggy, so if I have hurt I didn't remember for long?  It is enough to throw me off my plan with an aware mind, so aspirin.  I can glorify the pain raw tomorrow, a Christmas gift.  Some pains are far better than others.

I am also checking out a new game.  It's not really my preferred genre, or type.  I may be too old, reflexes, memory, and else too slow.  Rainbow Six Siege.  It does cause me trepidation.  Funny thing though?  From what I see from these games?  They don't teach you how to survive.  They lead you to death.

Blood sugar is 158 fasting.  Up from yesterday if still generally trending lower again.  I think starting heart medicine disrupts that.  Control is returning.

Yeah, I'll try to put a bit of work in.  Later.

Not just those things.

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I called my mother back.  Just... she worries and works so hard.  Of course, had to jack her.  Last time she called, she hit politics.  I've left that out, didn't appreciate it.  So... I told her Trump was stepping down, sometime in January.  As she crackled, fizzed, and whirred, I finished.  In 2025.

Oh.  Wonderful.  She has someone she is now going to use that on.  Generally a fellow Trumpian.  At least she can take a joke, and use it.  I think she actually enjoyed the ride.  It broke up some things though, for the moment.  But her gifts should be in.  Christmas treats and a specific directed item purchase.  Okay, but too late to check today.

Then I stayed up to after 15:00.  My eyes burn.  My lungs burn.  I am sore, tired beyond reason, and keep flunking cognitive simple checks.  A good prayer, of thanks, for the opportunity to bleed, in more ways than one, to His glory.  Nothing good comes of us save through Him.  And today was good.  Good night, and afternoon.

One can hope.

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Blood sugar at 67 was rather low.  I had already dosed in prep for a meal!  So I had a treat as well.  At 121 now, I am slightly relieved.  Not sure why such large swings when yesterday, today, and tomorrow see very similar consumption.  Whatever, I do my best.  Muddling through as always.

Laundry is getting a final run.  Dishes have been reset, some washed and set to rinse.  The ducks have been fed and watered.  The girls have gotten litter changed or refreshed.  Most trash was collected and taken out, I just hope in time.  I was blocked in by a lawn mower for some unknown reason, in front of the lawn tractor... which again isn't starting.  All nearly blocking a snow-locked SUV!

It took a bit, some maneuvering, pushing, pulling, defrosting, and scooping, but I finally cleared a way out and got the trash to the curb.  I just hope it was out in time.  It is rough in here.  I am hoping, with the bathroom clean... cleaner... to start in the kitchen this week.  Well, the kitchen and boxes.

A busy day.

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The ducks got fresh water.  Their food was good.  I left the door open.  It is... cool, at about 15° F, but without a wind or breeze.  I shut it early afternoon yesterday because with the same temperature, there was a breeze, and looked to be a possible storm on the way.  They get straw, but... the wind can be wicked beyond survival.

Dishes are reset.  Laundry is being dried.  A fatted coffee is about to go down.  And something else to eat will... happen shortly, plus insulin.  So tired.  My back is done.  But trash won't let me sleep, neither will hunger.  So... a while before bed.  I have to sit for a bit first.  So tired.  Later.

Cleaner yet, but...

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The tub, even sink, still aren't good enough.  The sink... I thought it was a stain.  Just a small yellow ick around the drain.  Hard water, or rust, I thought, but no.  It very slowly grinds off with the more powerful drills using bathroom grade bristles fitted to an impact fitting.  It comes off in powder bits.  But it actually feels tacky, the stain area.  With the tub, some of it is layers of grime.  It is nearly gone, just a few more passes and experimenting with other cleaners.  Though some looks to be dark, black, mold... gray after much work, from under soap bottles which had been forgotten to long.  I've gotten much off, but no more is being removed.  I want it all back to prime!

Then a shower.  No shave yet.  Cats have been fed, but not the ducks.  Fresh tea for my breakfast, a fatted coffee.  Eggs later?  Perhaps a version of Starbuck's puffed eggs?  Something.  Laundry is going.  Just one load tonight.  I would like to reset dishes.  Trash has to be gathered and put out.  Then?  Probably a nap.  The main things are the ducks and trash.

Ugh.  I am all dressed, if in pj's it's enough to tend the ducks.  Save for socks.  I like to give my feet time to air dry and absorb the oils.  The doctors laughed when I told them I use baby oil.  Oh, I don't mind.  Ignorance is potent.  Beyond general scaliness if I don't use it, there are the hands.  As is, from too long not tending, my right palm is splitting again.  They seem to always have some skin issues.  But if I keep on it, it stays on the top layer, sometimes as deep as two layers.  Without oil saturation, though, wounds will go to bleeding in the palms, and through the top of the right hand, which seems to have a mild scar now.  Laugh, I do what I must.  To think, I didn't believe in stigmatas.  Then again, perhaps it...  I don't know.

Not bad.  There is hope for the week.  Later.

It's cleaner.

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The tub, and the body.  Cleaner soon, both.  I sprayed the tub, the worst areas... The ring around the base and a few other areas.  I found a larger brush for the drill.  I will hit it half an hour, then shower.  The problem is the drain is slow.  If I had the money, I would increase drain pipes from one to two inches.  As is... it is slow.  Rinsing several times, after it drains, will help.  But that is too high maintenance for a daily driver.  Still, I will get it as clean as possible, and try to keep up, as I have begun doing with the bathroom in general, and hope to do with the rest of the house.

I use peroxide in my ears once to twice a month.  Generally.  It has been... longer.  I also have stainless ear spoons, which are used twice a week.  I will use peroxide twice in a row, then spoon them.  Not only does it feel and seem good, but hearing improves and I get far fewer sore throats and ear drainage issues.  It may even reduce snoring (though already rare) and nose bleeds.  Though that last may be heart meds.  I just really like clean ears.  I get why not cotton sticks, but stainless is clean... I keep mine clean, can be easily kept nearly sterile.

Blood sugar is 153 fasting.  Slowly improving again, again.

Oh, had a dream.  I realize cops can "see" cash money.  It is traceable, physically.  I was wondering how they were catching people crossing the country with wads of cash.  Not sure if lead, or a Faraday cage, both, or something else would shield.  Surprised people haven't figured that out.  Though, with crime, payoffs of official and unofficial processes are common.  As are distractions.  Send out a quarter of a million unshielded so as to push millions or a billion in absolute lockdown.  Not sure if it is electronic, trace chemical, trace radioactive, or can be turned on or off.  I just know, or believe from the dream, that it is true.

Such strange dreams lately.  The other one was about a woman with the largest natural boobs I have ever seen.  A thin waste too.  She was willing to pillow me and feed me grapes, if I... occasionally... missed the grape... but got a berry... to blushes and giggles.  Oh what a night.

A bit of browsing, then to a shower.  Trimmed, I may try to get a shave to clean it off.  I'd like to get the ducks fresh water, feed the girls, and get trash ready.  That may be it for the day?  Oh, resetting meds!  Ugh.  Later.

Not bad.

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Not everything though either.  But cleaning took a toll.  I probably haven't seen the bathroom that clean since I moved in.  I didn't mop, it honestly didn't need a complete job, just sweeping and a bit of work around the toilet.  The bowl, inner and outer, the toilet seat, plus the sink and tub got hit well.

Then a shower.  The feel of clean... or cleaner... was good.  I may hit the tub again in a week.  It... it is better, but needs a bit more.  The sink and toilet are as good as they get, so just maintenance is required.  My body was in as much need as the tub.  Another shower, or bath, tomorrow.

It's a pretty day.  White, overcast, but with a surreal fog that does more to... almost transmit light?  Or, it was last I checked.  At 15° F, it seems cooler than usual, if actually warmer than most recent temperatures?  Well, I think so.  If forced to wager, that would be my bet.

Blood sugar was better, 102 several hours after the last meal.  I won't check it again.  It will, by what goes for my crazy circadian rhythm, begin going up.  While it isn't regular absolutely, if my body could, it would tend to something like eighteen to twenty two hours up, with six to twelve hours down.  As I head toward sleep, or when I should(tm) be asleep according to the mal-rhythm, blood sugar climbs, as much as several hundred points, if lately more like a hundred and change.

I... am about to hit it.  Cats and ducks first.  Then that trim.  I love the idea of a beard, mine are more like camel hair, far too itchy.  Good night.

Cleaning first.

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I am certain someone is using the tub.  If they were honest, they would clean up after.  So the tub, and sink while at it, are being soaked.  In an half hour I'll get in and work on those.  Then a shower.  Hmm, definitely need to trim whiskers as well.  With tomorrow planned as a lighter day, a shave after the trim would be good.

Nearly two of the tea jugs are changed out, with fresh tea.  One remains.  I snagged enough for a fatted tea from this last brew.  Plan on another.  Blood sugar is 113.  The coffee pot runs too slow.  Loose tea gets in and clogs the works.  I'll put that on my list, and utilities.  Why do I keep forgetting!

I am staying up, finally, into the early afternoon.  I am hoping to grab days again, for as long as possible.  This may just be a roll cycle as I started meds again though.  Especially since I do the final significant increase Monday, to 12.5 mg, bid.  I expect to be off for two weeks to a month before I am as on my feet as possible.

I would like to find candles, and set up a twelve days ceremony.  Having prayer materials and other things for each day... perhaps a puzzle game, or find videos of important happenings planned for viewing.  How can one celebrate Christmas alone?  To an extent, we are always a bit alone.  Easier to be alone, by myself, than sometimes being alone together.  Though company, when available, is always welcome.  Just saying that... it isn't bad.

I should get something arranged for Christmas Eve.  A small custom meal.  Or just something nifty.  A large Christmas spread is just too much, all around, for even a junior giant.  Though, you know, a chicken or cornish game hen, with stuffing a veggie, and cranberry something might work?  Just... thinking.

I best get to cleaning, so a shower, and all else can start.  Ugh.  Be well.

A weak start.

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Descaling the coffee pot.  It may be too old.  Will know soon.  Two half pots of strongly vinegar added water.  The smell is something, not bad if you like it, which I do.  A couple of rinse runs.  It's brewing the first.  While at it, and as I begin brewing fresh tea, I am cleaning the half gallon jars used to keep it cold, three of them.  I am not sure they get actually dirty.  Just grimy.  I like them to sparkle, and be clear.

I might pop in the shower while that runs, or on the second flush if it finishes by now.  I'd like to hit the bathroom while at it.  I wash the toilet seat while showering.  It's removable, easily.  No matter, it always needs a serious washing.  I have developed a few tricks to... improve the man pee thing.  But there is no way around fully.

I am still gaming, but I have surrendered on some aspects of the game.  Without a computer, perhaps with it, some portions, the dlc for certain, don't seem actually playable.  Free, but not worth it.  I have gone back to the main game to try to get an exceptionally quick game so as to gain special gear for the game.

I am hoping to do the list from recently.  Tomorrow will be off, except for trash.  Then Monday I hope to hit the kitchen.  Well, a start.  The kitchen will take the week.  As well, I'll be tearing down boxes.  As well, little things between.  There is hope.  So much to do, so little energy.  I'll keep at it, at least... keep trying.

With the coffee pot ooc, and the kitchen closed for cleaning, breakfast was... simple.  A small can of peas, beats, and butter.  A bit carby, but veggies are a rarity, a mix rarer still.  Blood sugar, at 160 fasting, is... middling.  Keeping it in the 90's to 140's is as good as I can do, if actually because I haven't been eating enough.  Odd, that.

Later.

Such strange dreams.

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The one most understood was the dream most recent.  But the subject was simple.  Death.  Or more correctly, shortly after.  It is if I was waking normally, but... there was no pain.  How long has it been?  I am so used to a significant level of it that I don't notice the majority of it unless I push, or try new meds, or fall off, then begin them again.

Often it feels as if I am tied into some contraption from the Saw movies.  Only it's purpose isn't to kill.  It's job is too cause excruciating pain.  The receiver never knows why, or when, or even how.  Trying not to move makes it worse.  Not moving, being active, enough can bring horrid waves of pain.  Just sleeping beyond some variable need hurts, though sometimes the sleep is needed but still hurts.  Anything to alleviate may work, for a while.  But other than heart medicine, when I can handle, and remember, it, has eventually proven to be short term or a placebo affect.

So waking to no pain was... amazing.  I checked, prodded the usual areas.  Kidneys.  I hear people who stutter dream of speaking normally.  They can sing without stuttering.  I guess I understand that a bit better now.  I didn't question it, though, at some point, I understood it was a dream.  In a way, that knowledge turned it into a nightmare.  Still, I... held onto the moments.
--------------

The first dream was about commerce?  I'm not exactly sure how it would be termed.  The making and selling of products.  I imagined all of the things made, so much of which is never sold.  From bubble gum to soda to... shoes.  What do they do with the warehouses of items no one buys?

Recycling has proven a fiction.  Much of it is sent overseas.  When China was taking it, even they knew it's actual worth, thus dumped most of it in the ocean, so Mrs. Soccer Mom could feel good about her hyper consumer life.  Mr. Soccer Dad doesn't care, as long as he gets what he needs and some of his wants without too many questions.

It was a gross dream.  So much waste.  It is as if, most of it being unhealthy and inferior, as if someone is willing to lose fortunes to entice people to eat poorly, live unwisely?  Even the biproducts, poisonous ones like fluoride are turned into water additives and dental care.  Remember when doctors would recommend brands of cigarettes as being healthy?  Fluoride is that, and worse, for dentists and water distributers.

It was a horrendously busy, loud, dirty, ugly, dream.  The wilds are mean hard places to scratch out a living.  But this level of modern living, "civilization" (is this really civilization?), I...  Grubs would be better.  There is no good, right, way back.  Oh, I get the Uni-bomber.  But that isn't the way.  Surrender?  How about live as rightly as you are able.  And have some faith.  We can't change... much.  Our own mind, bent as well as we are able to God's will?  Humblingly fumbly?  Yes.

I have only seen one revolution do it correctly.  And that only lasted a few hundred years.  It has become Rome.  And will remain that way until it becomes Great Britain, then, quite possibly, England alone.  Thankfully her island cohabitents can't produce more children, especially now with muhammad being in the top ten boys' names.  Although, that also means their future isn't their own.  --  The first men of England were also mostly wiped out by invaders.  I wonder if those were welcomed as well?  I guess they are paying their dues?  It won't change history, or repair anything.  Same with America.  As one of the dying, I can tell you suicide, personally or civilly, isn't the way.  Not much I can do though.
--------------

As the systems crash.

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It is looking more like SS disability is going to be denied.  Whether it is Utah, or even Trump, pushing for cuts or employment increases, bureaucrats attacking vets or marginal Trump supporters, or taking ss numbers and files to give to illegals... it is looking like a done deal.

No, "conservative" politicians aren't on our side.  The big money comes from big biz, and they want slave labor... and get it.  One of the things they do for their slaves is make sure bureaucrats offer them SS, and other government benefits, so they can pay slave labor wages, often with stolen id's.  I know they were helping one get to work using my numbers, plus probably gave the last half year I didn't receive, to someone else.  Had the balls to send me the paperwork stating so.  They don't care if it is stolen from an American.  I think they target vets, for many reasons.  Rome did similarly, when real money became so scarce it couldn't be further stretched... or printed.

I will try to figure out how to live here.  It may not be possible.  Too many things need done and there simply isn't enough coin to be frugal enough to do what is needed.  Just replacing a window is scary.  A furnace replacement?  A loan, but, that digs into what I don't have.  I think that ate the previous owners.  Loans and/or work needed?

No, I think it is best to clear out, then try to sell.  Then be looking for a very modest place to live on little.  "Owning" is dangerous... buying that is.  But renting is very dangerous.  Increased rates, ending the contract, lack of care.  There are places I could buy a home for what I might get out of a sale.  But they are places I couldn't or wouldn't, or both, live.

Iowa is an example.  Too hot, too cold, and too left.  They just sent a man to prison for sixteen years for burning a queer flag.  They won't even talk to people who burn the US flag!  No, Iowa wouldn't work.  Nor Alaska.  I'm not sure about Idaho, Montana, or Wyoming.  Possible.  But... to find a clean, Christian, small town.

Yeah.  I have a lot of cleaning and clearing.  I itched to start tonight.  It... I just couldn't start quite yet.  My muscles ached for it, my hands wanted to dig in.  Just going through things will be a chore.  I will keep things that are useful, can help a more frugal life.  Much will go.  Most of it.  Even being winter, I will get an industrial bin as soon as I get half a room of boxes to go.  I have moving boxes for what will be kept.

Ugh.  A shower and cleaning the bathroom.  Then a load of laundry?  I... can't stand.  Not tonight.  Probably.

Why can't they just let me rest?  So tired, confused.

Gaming.

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It has been what I can do.  A struggle at that.  If it weren't for gaming, I would sleep more.  As is, tonight, it looks like it is time for bed again.  I want to work.  Barring that I would like to play.  I will try, but I am so absolutely, uncontrollably, and terribly tired that I probably don't have a choice.

I have been playing Resident Evil 2 Remake.  I rarely played the originals.  Controls were mushy, logic was wonky, too many horror games (and movies) require a chosen level of stupidity (and/or greed, lust, etc).  Premised that way, they aren't fun (to me).  Being a horror aficionado, however, when I see something in the mixed genre being offered, and inexpensively, I will take the risk.

The game is an excellent player.  But when trying to flesh out the final ends, it fails.  One of the trophies refuses to pop.  I am calling it a glitch, as I have gotten every other trophy, and tried this every way suggested.  Broken, at least on my machine.  As well, getting the fastest times, so as to get bonus equipment, has proven impossible.  I suspect those to be broken.  Then I saw it.  They sell what you are supposed to be able to earn in-game.  They want the money, so broke rng (random number generator) so that if you want it, you have to buy it.

You will see people do it online.  Probably tools given special versions.  Though the pc and ps4 pro to a lesser extent have hacks built into them, I personally don't think that would be enough.  I am going to shelve that game shortly.  I'd like to tinker with the extras a bit more.  What game next?  Or, maybe, I have to sleep for a week or month first.  Later.

Christmas has snuck up on me.

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I lost the date in there.  I actually put Christmas and a few other holidays on my digital calendar, if they get wiped when I update.  I guess I didn't update this last year?  Must not have.  Even so, I am in such a state that it doesn't make sense, alarms and warnings.  It is that time already?

The ducks, first thing.  They had pecked through the ice, which was an inch thick.  At least they had been able to dig through.  I watered them this morning.  Midmorning or early afternoon?  Actually probably between six and seven.  About when I crashed?  Memory has been bad lately.

Up at 16:30, give or take an quarter hour.  Everything hurts, but more softly.  I forgot the slow acting insulin last night.  Oddly, my fasting blood sugar is 151 so about 70 points lower.  That doesn't make sense.  I think that stuff only works on a very regulated eating schedule.  Fasting causes it to raise blood sugar.  Just a missed meal, or one with too few carbs?  I haven't fully figured it out.  As I haven't figured out what to do about Christmas.  Not sure if I can do much.  I may well forget before I fully wake.  A price of being the living mostly dead.  Then again, I can't be sure I have been taking medicines correctly.  I may go back to logging food and insulin.  I just... can't... remember.

Odd, but the girls didn't visit today.  It was up to 59° upstairs, the warmest it has been in a week or three?  Yea, I wake.  Sometimes I sleep as the dead, but... something remains aware.  Though, perhaps, the girls just know how to wake me, or leave me asleep.  Many of my women knew how to do both.  Most of them loved to watch me sleep.  Okay, I get the creep factor in that, thinking on it.  If, from the viewer's side, there is something innocent, peaceful, about a sleeping woman.

Later.

Just can't get to it.

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Tired.  And everything hurts.  Titrating to my dose, about half way there if plans continue.  Actually a third of the way, but the last portion is the easiest.  Blood sugar is odd.  It has been in the two hundreds, 220 fasting today.  I have been dosing up, but cautiously.  This isn't diet.  It is organs reacting to potent meds.  Too much insulin at just the wrong time and death would be easy.

As is, my dose dropped blood sugar to 114.  I really have to be careful.  A normal dose, 8 cc's, with a second meal.  In an hour I will test, and have a fatted coffee, with or without a final dose.  I was unsure whether to dose again, after that, or not.  I was beginning to think my sweetener had been sabotaged.  Nope.  And I am eating right, so it's just the body acting up even more than usual.

Ducks are fed and watered.  Raised quite a squawk when I stepped out.  At 10° F, their water was nearly frozen through.  I like to catch it with some liquid, as this time, it makes it easier to empty and wash out a bit.  They were pleased as punch.  After them, the cats got fed.  I am feeding the girls much less, but it is paying off.  Sassy can now get the spot that troubled her.  And she just looks better.  She will never be skinny, but she doesn't have to be rotund.  I'd love her anyway, but that would be on me.

I asked Vox, Populi not the lib Cali thing, if I could comment again.  I've been reading nearly daily.  I offered no promises but suggested my life, intent, has changed.  Mostly it would be to ask questions.  Sources for topics, or specific information questions, as opposed to rhetorical questions or other non-question questions.  It seems that is acceptable.  I don't always agree, but he and the ilk are... valuable.  I sometimes consider myself Guts to his Griffith, from Berserk.  Not always a pleasant notion, perhaps incorrect.  If true, a fated thing?  When I remember, I'll add his link.  But... which section?

Oh well.

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I was up until 13:30.  The ducks were watered twice.  It was up to 20° F, I believe when watering them the final time at around 13:00.  Lately that is to be considered warm.  I woke at almost 19:00, but was able to go back to sleep until 21:00, maybe a bit later.  Not much since then, or yesterday.

I did slow cook the pork shoulder, and get it refrigerated.  I need to shred it tonight.  Hopefully get to the list of chores too.  Just a shower, trim, bathroom cleaning, and a single load of laundry would do.  Well, and the pork.  Some to be refrigerated, some to be packaged and frozen... in parcels just large enough for two or three smaller servings.

A salad and homemade ranch dressing as breakfast.  I'd like to make a small blue cheese dressing.  It's my favorite, but so rich I eat it lightly are rarely.  Roquefort?  Gorgonzola?  Standard blue?  I ought to experiment.  I should warm some pork and have a bite of that, and turn the furnace up while at it.  Hungry and cold is no way to get things done.  Later.

A curse or a blessing?

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I can never tell.  I... enjoyed, agree.  I can see how it might be a judgment, or an acknowledgment in the positive.

Someone got it wrong.

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Lonely?  Sure.  Even... wishing to be frisky.  But... not.  If I could find a woman to marry, then, you bet.  Dying?  Yea, but it doesn't matter.  Interested in women?  Sure.  Seriously, I won't risk my soul for a bit of sex.  I quit screwing around a long time ago.  Oh, it's on my mind.  Women are terribly attractive creatures.  Chunky or thin, to points... tall, short, simple, gorgeous, curved, or less, women make me sweat.

All is well, and awake, at 19:00.

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Quite a sleep.  I believe I was to bed around eight, give or take an hour either way?  I woke several times, with the intention of waking.  It simply wasn't possible until now.  Innards feel as if I have been run over.  Muscles are tired.  Blood sugar is 200 but I have been eating rightly, and dosing correctly.  The high up there was 47°.  The low was 42°. Might have been part of it?  Maybe, but not all of it.

Dreamed of all the types of panties I have seen women get into and out of through the years.  It wasn't an erotic dream, more like accounting?  Well, not... that boring.  Some women wore perfectly formed garments.  A woman's shape really explains much, and even skinny women, my usual save one out of curiosity... two actually, have very different forms.  A strange but fascinating dream.  From it I remembered a few women I had forgotten.  I have asked forgiveness, and received it.  Plus been celibate for right at fifteen years now.  I would much rather have a wife, but they are more interested in hooking up.  I'm done with that.

A bit of waking, then a shower, trim, and maybe a shave.  If possible, back to the bathroom.  It is still rather clean.  But a quick sweep and mop, after cleaning the toilet.  Then to work in the kitchen, setting up dishes, and maybe a load of laundry?  I might get... even to where I was, and a few steps beyond.  The goal is the whole kitchen this week.  I will be sacking food for the pantry.  Canned meats I tried but simply can't use.  They require bread.  Though some, like a newer type of canned tuna, just aren't edible, as I use them.  That will open space for canned veggies and fruits I do use.

Yes, the bathroom, laundry, kitchen, and dishes, by Friday.  That is the plan.  Possible, even in my state.  No guarantees.  Oh, the girls are letting me know they are hungry.  And I will reset the duck water, and put some feed in.  I have a final dose of that roast, but need to heat a veggie with it.  Oh, and thaw more meats.  I have a pork butt thawed.  It was on a far less than half price sale, so I bought two huge cuts at a buck a pound, if still spendy.  That will get grilled.  Should start it now, leave it go until... it's done.

Later.

Definitely cold.

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At one time, negative twenty to forty °F was doable, easily.  Then again, pj's and flip-flops, even with wool socks and a jacket isn't exactly dressing for success.  I have boots, just thought... shouldn't think.  Still, a temperature plunge is probably good for the body occasionally?  Well, and it can be thrilling.

Ducks were fed and watered.  Their water from yesterday was completely frozen, as expected.  I have learned how to get that block out without, this year so far, breaking a trough.  Having two in circulation makes life easier.  More would only get in the way.  A few in deep reserve is wise, as these will eventually break.

Meds are in.  Blood sugar is still high.  I remember now.  I suspect heart medicine of interfering with insulin.  I suspect it does.  More as I start and increase the dose, but generally and from time to time it spikes it.  I am not sure if it is a chemical thing or biological thing, such as forcing blood out of organs like the lungs, where blood might become somehow sugared... or perhaps the medicine suppresses kidney and/or liver function?  Though I believe I will pass on the store brand of unsweetened fruit.  My old brand works.  It costs twice as much.  But having fruit occasionally, without messing up blood sugar, is great.

I am trying to stretch the day out, have, but am losing cohesion.  Good night.

Popped right on the hour.

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Plus a few just because.  New and old.

Crashed.

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Shortly after that last post.  Went down hard.  Perhaps the cold got to me, maybe it was just stress relief from having the paperwork out and off.  I can't be sure when I went down.  Probably between 18:00 and 20:00, if I am guessing earlier.  Maybe before.  I woke at dark noon thirty.  No choice on either side.  I actually wanted to stay awake, and then I wanted to remain in bed.  No choice at all.

A bit of a headache, and general aches and pains.  Mostly on the milder side.  Too warm, oddly, all day.  Blood sugar is down some, to 169.  Very strange.  Sleep being off, stress, it all adds up.  That beef was sure good.  I had almost forgotten how good good beef truly is.  I was beginning to wonder if I remembered incorrectly or if the government and/or beef industry had decided we eat to much so decided to make beef tasteless.  I suspect they have colluded to price it out of our diet.

I had almost missed Mondays pills.  The tilting sleep cycles, cold, and pushing schedule to get things done, plus the load the medicine adds, makes it difficult.  I caught it early enough this afternoon to begin trying to fix it.  Add afternoon meds as another party to the crash.  I best take night pills before it gets... done!  I'll take morning meds sometime in... well... the morning... at bedtime.  Who's on first?  Yes.  I will, actually, take night pills, in the morning, at bedtime.  Fixed it for you... me.

A handful of aspirin and back to... nothing.  Later.

A fine beef roast.

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Finally!  Since my long time store cashed out, I haven't seen a good roast, with fat and marbling.  If I want venison, I'll find it.  Horrible, dry, lean, with little flavor, yet priced high as if it was good.  Good only for idiot academics.  I decided to visit a chain of my previous store.  They had real roasts.

Grilled.  Perfect.  The grill did take a second lighting, but just.  It was the cold.  It was already to -5°ish F.  I must admit, it was tough to be out there at that temperature for me!  Getting old, or just spoiled by the relatively pleasant weather so far?  Worth it though.  So hungry for good beef.  If I hate paying steak prices for roast.  Ribeye is beyond my wallet, even pork is starting to get too expensive.

I can, for now, have a couple roasts a month.  And will, if the don't change their cuts.  I won't eat cardboard at steak prices.  Perhaps a second helping.  Oh, they are only offering them in two serving packages now.  Even then there is sticker shock.  We are becoming like the USSR.  Although the aisles are full, no one can afford it.  I assume they toss it?  Or does it just become McFood?  No one is buying.  Go to the store three days in a row, watch the steak and even roast sections...

Centralized planning and banking, communism, dressed up as capitalism.  I guess there is still enough to go around, for now.  But, if this continues, I am seeing civil war. It's why they are pushing for replacement populations in all of the West.

Ugh!

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Waking was a chore.  Rough.  I had to reset the alarm for more sleep.  Was so very tired.  Had to hope I didn't mess it up.  Woke before the alarm.  Still so very tired, but had to get up.  I wasn't sure the alarm, if it had even been set correctly, was going to wake me.

Then I couldn't get going.  A shower was planned.  I had one yesterday.  But hate leaving without a fresh shower.  No choice today.  I was running out of time.  Uhrm, ran out, and then some.  I was out of time and choices.  I had refreshed the water... ice... for the ducks.  And, baby, it was cold out there!  It was 7° F, nipped a pair of horizontal icicles to the tune of... Frosty the snow man.

Then to town.  Just in time for an almost guaranteed overnight delivery.  Almost?  Yeah.  Very expensive.  No choice.

Then a bit of shopping.  It is 0° as the sun set.  I redid the water for the ducks.  It was already beginning to freeze.  Less in their trough, easier to get it out tomorrow.

Still so very tired.  Lighting the grill.  Blood sugar was 233 for absolutely no good reason this "morning".  It was in the 120's and 130's yesterday.  All I can think is that I used an older no-carb sweetener bottle, that has dehydrated down to a too potent solution.  I'll keep at it.

Best check the grill.  Later.  Probably.

Awake and getting to paperwork.

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Down around 10:30, up at 16:30, probably.  Too little sleep, but with a middle night nap or partial sleep, life seems okay.  A shower, a call for help with the paperwork, and the ducks given their second watering, I am ready.  Help will arrive shortly.  Paperwork doesn't make sense, at the moment.  I did arrange a small work area.

I start the first jump in medication today.  From 6.x mg twice a day to 6.x and 12.x mg, the first morning, the last at night.  I will go to 12.x bid next week.  Pushing it, but I have no great benefit to stretching it out.  The only question remains to whether I can endure the pace, without falling, or hurting too much.  Pain is slightly elevated, but so is numbness.

I would like to get to shopping after, but will wait until I get in to mail it tomorrow.
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Done!  Through the magic of blogger time skipping.  Ready to send.  Now I can... figure out the night.  Hopefully to bed early, if just for a while.  Or a longer stretch if possible.  Just having the paperwork done lifts a lot of stress.  Sometimes that eases life, this time it adds to the pain in spite of taking a heaping helping of aspirin earlier.  It can go either way.

A fatted coffee.  Perhaps a chicken thigh.  As well as insulin.  All other meds are taken.  Bleh.  I'll keep at things.  Later.

Beat.

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A hard life.  I did find the paperwork.  It is now a matter of filling it and returning it.  I had held off, hoping for medical.  I got some of that but fell through on a final visit, with primary care.  Hopefully a few specialists to be consulted from there.  I am in some trouble, sorting out medicine.  It isn't helping, but will.  No more attempts at higher doses.

I didn't get the ducks twice yesterday, but will today.  Already got them as I am about to crash.  I will get the girls too, and their litter.  Blood sugar isn't as good as it's best, but is improving.  I'm working on it, mostly needing to eat better.  Always something.  Then again, I am absolutely certain they... my continued life baffles them.

Some of them find joy in it, others don't understand why I don't commit suicide.  They know I am in beyond terrible shape.  Numb is as good as it gets, and that isn't living.  As I have learned I tell them.  God's will, not mine.  Never was, if at once I thought so.  The horror that is my life, the humility it offers, are the greatest gifts I will ever receive.  Most of the time I see it.

I took a nap last night.  Or partial sleep?  I have no idea how long, or even roughly when it started or stopped.  Only that it was dark.  It didn't allow for a rested feeling, it simply was required.  Perhaps it will help rest today.  Always tired lately.  Way too tired to even think.  Waves of exhalation.  Can exhaustion kill?

I'd best feed the girls, get the trash out, and have a spot of tea and insulin so I can tuck in shortly.  A cooler day.  At 15° F, there is that.  But there is something else to it.  Good night and day .

Chicken and mushrooms.

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Baked together, separately.  The chicken was lemon water brined for several hours.  It all came out perfect.  Blood sugar was 103 before dinner.  Fasting, this morning, it was 168.  It is trending back down.  Mostly.  I need more fats.  Back to whole cream beverages.  It really helps, if you can keep up.

I won't be awake much longer.  Just long enough to put the chicken away and take slow acting insulin.  Crashing.  Medicine I think.  Good night.