I fell, hard.

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Everything is sort of... an unknown.  When did I last take medicine?  I have been living on sardines.  Hungry, and numb, enough, they are... just fine.  When I can remember to eat.  So troubled.  And, yet, I didn't just sleep.  For what good that did me.

I suspect I have learned much, if just in a stupid game.  How to... build a fence.  How to... grow vegetables, grain.  How to create a mechanical door, or make it function.  So many things.  Not that it helps at all in the real world.  If not sleeping is a very good thing.  My eyes, they burn, though, from not sleeping when I am in this condition.  I... prefer pain to numb or silence or even sleep.  I would have been asleep that whole last few days.

I... wanted to check on mom.  It's been a day, three?  She was supposed to call.  My phone, though, was... somewhere.  I looked, when I could remember.  It had to be in the house.  I used it here, certainly, recently.  Could it have been stolen again?  Finally, I found it.

A shower, and teeth brushed.  Not much, but a very good start.  Needed.

When I looked at it, I had to look at things many times.  Wasn't sure what to do about it, at first.  My brother had called... 75 times... the first time?  I... was almost sure what that meant.  I wasn't ready to face that.  I... had other things to do before I dealt with that?

When is the last time I fed the ducks, rabbits.  Watered?  Yesterday?  I hope.  So burned up, out.  I was afraid one might be dead, more?  When the world seems dark, it seems very dark.  Still, to it.  And to great relief.  None were even fully out of water.  A few were out of food, but... that's fine.  And I have six new ducklings.  I'm not sure who the mother is, or who sat them really.  As, I think, they are communally laying.  No more, however, it is getting too late in the season.  But, all good.  All were fine, healthy, happy, and... apparently, often enough, horney.  It is nearing the time to let the rabbits... do what rabbits do.

Well, and for the first day in some while, it is warm again.  I don't know what it got up to, but it was 78 out there just now.  Still cool, but this front room is about the same.  The main rooms are well cooler.  I may have to turn an ac on tonight.  That... actually helped.  The weather can shut me off as if it was my light switch.  Did, shut me off.  But it was restful.  Now to see if I can pick back up.

Then, the girls were fed.  I've been doing pretty good with them?  I think so.  They... remind me.  If they have become overly pushy.  Still, I try to keep them in bread and lap time.  Even when I don't know what I am doing, and don't feed myself.  They have also been consuming sardines and the au jus.  Odd birds, if you ask me.

Finally.  It was time.  I only saw the number of calls, at first.  So many!  But, thankfully, I saw a text had been sent, so reviewed it first.  To... brace myself for the worst...

Well, it... isn't a worst case scenario.  My mother did become ill, again.  Had to be admitted.  Back to the hospital.  She is being treated for several problems, and is likely to go back to the nursing facility.  Pulse very high, bp lower than liked.  Hmm, I don't like that.

Beside that, his father in law, with prostrate cancer, has had to be admitted.  That... may not be good at all.  They haven't been able to find a doctor, last I heard.  Neither in Vegas or where they live.  They found help in both places, easily, for the mil, with her own cancer.  Perhaps they don't prefer to treat men anymore?

I... was mad.  I called.  But I held back.  I was going to mince words with him, but... held my tongue.  He... started out a little angry, but the tone changed so quickly.  I learned the rest of it.  And know they are struggling with all of their parents going down, sort of, at once.  And now, two into the hospital.  He is shot, this is out of his league, as it is for all, and he is just breaking down.

I am glad I kept my mouth shut.  He... just needed to talk.  I was happy to listen.  And soothe, as able.  I assured him I will help.  I gave other words of comfort.  Suggesting taking one thing at a time.  Sweet nothings, really.  But, possibly, something for his mind to grab.  A focus, one of several were offered.  And prayers.  He was about to go and I told him I loved him.  He almost just went... but... said it back.  Tight times.  Good thing to say and hear.

So... there...  I can handle that.  I can handle more.  I will, in time, one way or another.  If I suspect in many ways.  It's good.  At least I am not, yet, going to plan a funeral.  Alone.  I'll... try to outlive her.  The one decent thing I can yet offer her.  I just... have to... now get my shit together.  I'm not sure when she will be out.  I think he wants me back now.  I don't think that will work.  I can't stay an indefinite time.  I have, maybe, two weeks.  Maybe, possibly, a month?  

That would best be spent with her at home.  Without my tech, and without her trying to have me do hard work, I can split the difference.  Cooking, with some help with dishes.  Washing clothing, if she will fold.  Splitting the difference.  Though, shopping for us.  We can make a list together.  And getting her out to her guy's house, to help there.  I don't mind.  Helping someone else is easier than helping myself.  Especially if they can help part way.

We will see.  But, okay.  Good afternoon and day, nearly night.

Ugh.

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Not sure when I went to bed.  I know I looked at the clock sometime before bed, and it was ~03:20?  Now, how much longer I was awake, that I can't say.  Probably no more than an hour, but time can fly or crawl, not... always easy to gauge.  Odd how, as supposedly invariable time is, my perception of it can vary so.  I don't think I am alone in it.

I want to call mom.  But I think I need to give her time.  I worry about her greatly.  I'm not worried about my collapse, it happens.  I am worried about hers.  She hasn't ever failed like this.  And, I know from experience, it is a difficult thing.  It, all by itself, can be lethal.  I just... don't die well.  And, yet, hounding her will just chase her away from keeping in touch, make her secretive.  I've... when I first began falling, I did the same.  I have decades of experience in handling falling.  Noobs... have it something awful.

A shower, before long.  It is 13:02 as I sit, probably up no more than an quarter hour, or less.  Cats have been fed.  Ducks and rabbits, soon.  Probably attempt to do that all in one go.  As well, litter must be tended.  I am wrestling with... death?  Or the proximity of it I endure from time to time.

The game IS helping me.  It keeps me awake, thinking, engaging the world to within my capacity.  It forces me to learn, think, do psychically mechanical things, and engage theory and math, actually.  It, with my will so low, is eating me.  But I'd rather have a game eat me, than the pillow.  At least I am awake to feed the animals and... just... not be asleep.

I need to do a bit of shopping.  Grocery shopping.  Something I have, generally, been keeping on hand lately, is cold cuts, raw veggies, and cheeses.  And I recently got fresh eggs.  An easy fix.  Still have to clean, but... this is doable.  Or, as he suggest, use tin foil as a disposable bowl, within the ramekin.  Though one egg?  Seems a bit light.  Still, one would be better than nothing.  I've... gotta eat!

That rain is COLD!

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Rabbits, finally.  Just able to do chores once a day.  Though it is enough.  The second set is, mostly, just obsessing.  Even so, when I can, I do.  I just... like to be a little homesteader.  Having concerns, not of myself, are good.  As well, if just animals, being of service is good.  It isn't much, it is what I can do.  Trust me, if I could do more, I would.

Oh, the opportunity came and went, without a word.  No denial, no counter off, nothing.  So be it.  It... was probably far beyond me.  True.  Still, I... I don't know what I was thinking.  As a man ages, and gets to a point, which I was beyond decades ago through illness, the doings and works of younger men shouldn't still be a draw, but they are.  Age, too, has stolen anything possible.  At this point, it is double duty denial of access.  Still... I... I asked.

The rain out there was bitter cold.  It was just sprinkling, so I thought I would run and do it.  And, it'll work.  But, next time, I will look for a rain slicker or sich.  Doing one run a day means about half are ending up dry.  The thing about checking twice a day is they never actually run out of food or water.  I'm not sure that is a good thing, actually.  I don't know.  I don't know what I am doing.  I do my best, learn as I go, and... that is that.

It is 52 outside.  It had dropped, when the storms arrived, to 47... even in the day.  I think it was that cool even earlier today?  Certainly yesterday and the day before.  I... can't remember how long this has been here.  Two days?  Three?  It came in warm, but turned quickly.  Wednesday night was about 54 to 56, and was so out and when I returned.  The next day, I think, is when it went down to 47 and stayed that way until today... day and night.  It was stable at that low.  At least here, and every time I checked.

As well, rain.  I am impressed with how much rain we have received.  Some days it has rained heavily, off but mostly on, all day.  Today it seems mostly sprinkling, but for hours.  It really adds up.  The feed bowls had two inches?  Perhaps.  And that was from being dry when I fed them earlier.  Mostly just a heavy sprinkle, but pretty much all day by the sounds of it... not sprinkling when I fed the ducks the first time.

I called my mother.  Late for her birthday, but... it's what I could do.  She understands.  She is in rough shape too.  Not feeling well.  We had a bit of a talk.  I am worried about her.  She has never been... as bad as me.  I hope this is temporary.  I then called my brother, but he didn't answer.  They have a busy house.  Tuckered out, busy with that, a late dinner, a family drama... who knows.  Or... just... not willing to talk.  Perhaps not able.  He is in a spot, himself, physically.  Life, and age, are brutal on folk.

Hey, prayers.  I suggested we pray, to my mother.  It seems not much, but it is.  Will it change anything substantially?  A mind, and heart, if so willed.  So... yes.  We all have to suffer.  We all have to die.  Might as well find comfort and truth, and beauty, in these things.  Rather than run from shadows, especially ones which end up offering gifts, in our troubled reality.  Amen.

A coffee, to warm.  Maybe tea in a bit.  Gaming, when I can focus.  I am not sure the systems in the game work, or still work as they did.  Or the people offering the "recipes" aren't given all the details.  Though, yt is infamous for fakery.  How much you see on there which isn't true is the vast majority?  It seems that way, some days.  It's just... entertainment?  Maybe.  

Though, who knows, maybe the game devs don't want things to be just set out, so cull the good videos and makers.  Why?  To try to force people to do it themselves.  On some things, I'd just rather not.  Or... not unless I found things work, and thought about a project I'd like to try.  No reason to get too into their logics, if they keep busting them or changing them, so that keeping up becomes impossible.  Clever by twice for their own good?  Or is yt just complete garbage these days?  Much like politics, media, the economy, and else?  Frauds, all, perhaps.

Well, on to... something.  Good evening and day.

Born to wakefulness, but sideways.

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The game is eating me, and spitting me out, like the whale did Jonah.  Sacrificed, as it were, but not completely forsaken.  It was for not doing what God had given him to do, to preach to the wicked, in a foreign land, among enemies of his people?  Right.  Well, God hasn't given me a task.  He has merely, seemingly, barred my way to death.

I... have asked why, so many times.  Why not let me go?  Perhaps, at once, it was in order to give me one more chance.  Not at doing something.  I honestly can't work.  But at redeeming my soul.  Or gaining one.  I have done that as well as I am able.  I do not attend church regularly, but I am not able to do that any more than I am able to work.

You have no idea how thin this life is.  I think, if you could handle, and would bother, being near, you can see through the veil of tears, through me.  So very thin.  Some things I know not to worry about.  If it doesn't endanger the soul, I am not going to worry about it.  Though, what imperils your soul may not be the same.  It depends on your weaknesses.

I... can't remember when I went to bed.  Or... how long I was awake yesterday.  Or when I got up the last time I woke.  I do know, since the last time I ate, before the drive, I have only had one can of sardines since.  I think the last day we went was Wednesday.  It was too cold Thursday, at 47 during the day, and raining too.  What day is it?  Saturday?  Wow.  That game is eating me.

I still don't know what I am doing in the game.  I am having to look up everything.  How to trigger tnt, recipes for everything, and systems for automation.  Which, the latter, don't usually work.  Every time they update the game, they break something else.  Even the most recent recipes, for the recent build, don't work.  I assume updates and bug fixes have unintended, or maybe intended, consequences.  They need to go back to building, checking, and then leaving the game.  Maybe a few bug fixes, in one or two updates.  Not this running, permanent, update thing.

It seemed warm, this morning.  It was only 70, upstairs.  But I didn't have a fan on.  A fan... makes sleep easier, and is cooling.  Still, I think the body warms when waking, and it was about that time.  I didn't, again, have even a single air conditioner on, nor even a fan.  I was cold when I went to bed.

I fed and watered the cats first, then the ducks.  Oh, those are some seriously hungry critters.  Now posting.  It is 70 in the rest of the house, front to back, and 70 outside.  Sometimes that is cold.  Sometimes, like right now, it is just about perfect.  Once I acclimated to it, and it stopped raining, 70 became okay.  Overcast, still, outside.  It went from the 90s to the high 40s overnight, then stayed that, outside, for a couple of days.  That, and gaming, ate me.

At least I wasn't just sleeping, which would normally have been the case.  I would have crashed, if not for the game.  As it, I crashed into the game.  Not sure I am holding on to anything I am learning.  My body would be sleeping if it could.  My mind is enthralled.  All the learning potential.

Ah... I may have to see if anyone has crafted a vid on the mechanics of the game construction systems.  Okay, I have the switch down, but there are other components.  If I understand how they work, what they do, I can possibly rig my own systems.  That may be the better way of doing things.  Though, maybe, the devs have scrapped construction.  Who knows.  Our "elites" don't want us thinking, these days.  Clever, knowledgeable, engaged, is considered bad.  For them it probably is, or will be.

Well, the coffee should be ready.  I'll have that, wake a bit on here, game a bit, then get the rabbits.  They are pretty well set up, but... I still like to check.  Later.

Raining like there is no tomorrow.

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Even with the water we had been getting, there really wasn't much actually hitting.  It seemed to rain, but didn't.  I think, mostly, it evaporated.  Never raining quite enough to do much.  Today it rained.  A week of rain in a day, or more.  Some places may have flooding, though not really close.

And cold.  It is 68 in this front room, 71 in the main rooms.  It was 70 upstairs, without the ac's.  I turned the one which had been on, off.  Just a fan, for some fresh air, and just inside the room.  All windows shut.  It is 47 out there.  It can get this cool in August?  Yeah, fairly often.  Just not... it has definitely been one of the coolest months to my memory.  It is acting more like September or October even.

I don't have much to eat.  Not in the mood for sardines.  Cream cheese, rolled in deli roast beef, and a cup of coffee or two.  Or coffee, then tea.  Who knows what mood will request.

Chores were done some time back.  The critters were hungry.  I am going to have to figure out a way to keep their bowls dry.  Rain, like this, is so rare I don't usually think about it.  Every time I was to go out, it was storming.  I need to find my, one of my, rain coats.  It's just too brutal cold in that wet.

I have been enjoying Minecraft.  So much to learn, though.  I know someone who plays it, but I missed him today.  Sleep was just...  I'm playing to death, sort of.  It has been so long since I played a game I really liked.  Between that, and the cold, I think I'm over a barrel.  Still, I'll do what I can.

Be well.

Opportunity.

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Not offered.  Definitely not sure.  No other details, even if successful.  Only... a request on my part.  Reasonable?  What is reasonable?  Risky?  Is there anything I might try which wouldn't be at some risk?  How much is life worth?  And... who wants to live forever?

So... the query is sent, through another.  If there is need, but no one is available, is a nobody worth the risk, on the other side?  I can't say.  Over the course of the evening, a planned a negotiated offering which is the best that I can offer.  Beyond that, it is not in my hands.

As I said, this will all that will be said about that the further.  If it goes forth, or goes away, so be it.

Warm out tonight.  A small storm blew through.  Some rain, mostly sprinkling.  Some wind, mostly light.  It went through so fast that very little was entertained.  It didn't even cool all that much.  So it goes, from time to time.  I will open things up, and make do with what is offered.

Chores in a bit.  Then?  Who knows.  A bit of tinkering in the new game.  I finally sorted some things out.  But there is so much to learn.  And remember.  So many things to track.  Resource management is as much a part of survival as combat.  Actually, if you can shoot past a few things, survival may become as irrelevant as you wish it to be.  At least, for a while.  Never mind, if you don't understand those types of games.  Just understand that technique and knowhow can allow a form of 'easy mode', regardless of which type of mode you are actually playing.

I did get out to help a bit earlier this evening.  Oddly, I found standing around the more difficult part.  If I can stay lightly busy, I can forget that I am tired, for a while.  But, standing and talking and... I weary quickly.  Still, I did get a bit done.  Very little bit.  But... it was... something.  Work kept getting interrupted.

Out for the drive tonight.  Just a typical run.  Almost seemed we would be rained out.  They are being a bit more careful, as West Nile virus has been found in a local mosquito... beside removing, they capture and test for various diseases, this being the more serious of them.

Hmm... yeah...  I need to relax just a bit before chores.  I may feed the cats, tending their litter first.  Later.

A new tact.

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My various attempts at getting things going haven't been working.  Brute force, directed simple will, gentle guidance, even attempting to just wait for solid windows of opportunity while being as ready as possible... nothing has worked in a forward direction.  You have no idea the patience I have gained working with an indifferent body.

I'm not even sure it doesn't care.  It simply isn't able to engage.  Something is wrong, of flesh, neuro, or other I can't be certain.  I speculate that it is mostly a thing of flesh.  Something, in there, does not work.  There is a disconnect between the will, even fleshly will, and the ability of the flesh to act.

I would also say, having truly been physically dead has had an additional affect, or set of them.  Especially how... why... I... it... died.  At this point, beating a dead horse won't work.  Nor, it seems, will any of my efforts, currently.  It might, currently, be the heat.  For while I have become accustomed to it, so that 85 isn't too much... at least in the shade... it may be keeping me down.

Still, I do not wish to... just sit.  I am trying to figure a way to get the body and will to reconnect.  As mentioned, due to it yet being high summer, that may not be possible.  And the direct, forward, ways haven't been working.  So?  So I am taking a two steps back approach.  A game.

I have worn out the games I have.  So I went looking for an inexpensive, potentially highly immersive, game which could be played solo.  I may have found it... 'Minecraft'.  I downloaded it last night, set it up, and began playing.  Played a little longer than anticipated.

I did enough review, I had a good idea what I needed to do, right away.  However, knowing what to do is not the same as knowing how to do it.  I kept trying to sort it out, and failing.  Well, but, yeah.  So, I was up to nearly six.  If, too, I had been trying to get the house to cool.  It was 62 out there, though it probably crept cooler, and it just would not budge in here!  It stayed 75 right until I crashed and burned.  Bleh.  Upstairs was down to 71 or 72, however.  Allowing me to sleep well.

No dreamstorms last night, to my recall.  And sleep was handsomely pleasant.  Awake some short time after noon.  The girls have been fed.  I'll do chores when possible.  I showered yesterday so probably not today.  Gaming, but too... with an eye to sneak in work.  I'd like to clean the bathroom, down to the grout.  Theory, but hope too.

On to gaming.  I'll... I'd like to make some calls.  I'm just not quite up to talking, yet, today.  Still a bit groggy.  The game might end up pushing me beyond myself, at which time I may begin to grab hold of life again.  It's... it happens.  But, it is a one step back, two steps forward, sort of thing.  Not direct, this.  And fraught with perils of it's own.  But nothing else was working.

Good afternoon and day.  God's speed and will be with you.  Amen.

Quitter.

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How long has it been since I used tobacco?  Had a beer?  I remember how long it has been since I've been with a woman.  That one... still hurts.  It's been more years since the last than the others, by far.  Even so, as mentioned, it is what is missed the most.  I get a hankering, from time to time, for the last.  Not usually for the others.

Though, sometimes, I remember a time when I did consume one of the others, usually heavier together.  When I remember the time, too, I remember the hunger.  If remembering a time when drinking, I may reach out, absently, for my mug... or a plug of tobacco, pipe, cigar, cigarette, or else.  As often, I would dose tobacco, then have a sip.  Still, very rare.  And without any cravings after, oddly.

I am surprised I don't dream of these things.  I have been using tobacco sine... 1978, maybe earlier.  Started with cigarettes, went to chewing tobacco.  It was easier to hide.  I quit, say, in 2015 or 2016?  Give or take.  Once I quit, and no one around me used, it was easy.  I never looked back.  Did use the patch, and as long as I felt it was needed.  It really did become unnecessary and fell out of use.  I think, when they push it, they do damage to the process.  It makes me wonder if they are trying to keep people on these things.

Alcohol?  I pretty much did that cold turkey.  I have had drinks since.  I tried vodka when stoved up by covid.  It worked, slightly, but then it too failed.  I did finish that bottle off, if gently.  Just sips, from time to time, well watered down.  Just didn't want to see it go to waste.  Doubted if a shot in a quart of coffee, from time to time, would hurt.  And it didn't.  Neither did I feel the need to hit it more, or after.  I was... curious.  Curiosity, I suspect, for some, may be quite dangerous.  I won't be testing it on a regular basis.  Only if some call to it arises, literally medicinally.  Would like to have a small smattering of long lasting bottles around.  Vodka can be used for else, and is mostly clean for keto... if it will stop ketosis for a few days.

Anyway.  Yea.  It's been a bit of a process.  Far easier than I thought it might be.  So many changes.  Still, wouldn't mind a woman around.  But only rightly.  Not sure women are all that patient.  Odd how the shoe changes feet as time passes, in many ways.  Oh well.  

As to Afghanistan?  I honestly wonder if 'the big guy' got a cut for embarrassing America, more for botching enough to probably leave American and allied hostages for the Taliban.  I could see him taking money and favors, or some other setaside, kickback, or other graft, bribe, or payoff, to do what he did.  This was absolutely intentional.  

As for the Americans left there?  They weren't generally good people.  Spies, thieves, cronies, and others trying to make it rich, somehow, on the war and worse in a foreign land.  The Christian converts, they are another matter.  I'll pray for those poor sobs.  And those few who were actual allies.  The Brits?  They... were there before, solo, a long time ago.  Should have known better just from that.  And to continue trusting America, when the election was stolen and power was given to a Chinese puppet?  Seriously?  Whatevs.  

Later, or good night.

Found?

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So I am told.  Still, until it is in my hand, I'll... hold off considering things one way or the other.  The wallet, that is.  I have been told it was in the truck, but haven't seen it with my own eyes.  There was some event which precluded my attendance this evening.  An event for which I know not the details.

My brother called today.  I missed it.  I was certain I had the phone with me.  I must have set it upstairs while changing.  I feel like a heel, sometimes.  I do my best.  My best just isn't always good enough.  There is always tomorrow, forgiveness, graces, and hope.

In some ways I am quite young.  But, physically, it is as if I were a hundred.  So thin, of spirit... or spirit through flesh.  I know what I want to do.  Sometimes I even know how to do it.  But, terribly, I have no means of enacting my will.  Like a child, or an old one, I simply... can't?  I... really think so.

When I can, I do.  It seems as if I am driving through life, and randomly come to a stop sign or stop light.  Only, the vehicle is self-driving.  Not only can I not force the vehicle onward, I can't exit the vehicle, or attempt other methods.  There are no options.  Truly, as if I was very very old, in odd ways.

This last week has seen me rather crippled.  Even chores have been brutal to get done.  Hot, cold, moderate, it just hasn't been mattering.  Thankfully, even if I have missed some checks, the animals have not gone thirsty.  And, generally, they haven't gone hungry either.  A few hours, perhaps.  I don't mind that.  That is better than I do for myself.

I keep trying to push.  There simply isn't anything to push off from, nor is there any energy by which to push should there be an edge, shelf, floor, or some other structure.  I get up to go do and end up sitting, as if I had never moved.  It could be worse.  

Minor, very small, aches and pains, sometimes.  But those are... a gift.  They remind me I am alive, and mostly awake.  The pain so gentle, a small joy to remember I am still here.  Still even exist.  Even the heat is a distant roar.  It hit 85, in this room, and I was chilled.  I... don't know what to do about it.

Nights of dreams, then echoes as daydreams through the day.  Remembrance through thought?  Rehashing?  Sorting?  My dreams, these days, are far more intricate than my living day is.  Daydreams too.  I do not understand how I can dream more acutely than I live?  An added bonus to dreaming.

Later, or good night.

Rough, but not as it might sound.

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Minor pains, back there, somewhere.  More numb, but even that isn't complete.  It isn't in that area where the difficulty lies.  I can't seem to do anything.  A few moments of effort completely take me down for hours.  It was food, for a while, back a bit.  But I have been sorting food out, to a degree.  Eating once a day.  Not the best food.  But, at some points, food is food.

I missed medicine Friday, for the first time in... months?  But I restarted Saturday.  Too late to take all the medicine, but I got the water pills in, offering relief quickly.  Back on it again today, first thing.  So easy to slip off medicine, especially when trying to find, say, a wallet.  And while having so little energy that all of it becomes invested in a, to now, fruitless search.

I will call, to see about obtaining a new drivers license.  I'm not sure what all would be required.  I will begin attempting to gather that, if I have it.  As well, I may see if my debit card has been used recently, put a stop to it if so.  I will need at least the driver license to obtain a new veteran card, which makes appointments and picking up medicine easier.

But, I will have to delay my visit for the blood work until I have my driver license.  Or... not.  I don't know.  I can't be sure when last I used the card, or where.  I just can't recall.  And, it might be in the truck?  Maybe, though doubtful.

Dreams, again, flooded my sleep last night.  Not so tiring this time.  What, where, when, who, I cannot, again, say.  Only many, of each.  Sleep was actually good in spite of it, restful.

The girls have had their litter tended.  Been keeping up on that fairly well.  And then been fed.  Rabbits next, then ducks.  Perhaps I can find something, a can of sardines?  Hmm...  Oh, I have ingredients to make a keto mug bread.  That and tuna might not be bad?  If... I can bother.  Later.

Some sort of calculus.

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I... keep seeing the numbers, formulas, variables, and constants tossed as if to say something.  Accuse?  Me?  Not... necessarily.  Though, they are saying they see something in what is written here.  I claim nothing, other than what I suggest, if even that, only according to the Author.

The devil?  A devil.  A good devil, bad?  Even if I choose, it isn't for me to say.

A peculiar day.

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It is 88 out there, 82 in this the front room, 77 in the main room, or so.  But, for being that warm it is rather cool.  Very strange.  I am enjoying it.  Overcast, if more of a haze, or smoke.  The sun burns through in a direct path, but is limited in the periphery.  So, cooler, all around.

I just called my mother.  She is still planning to be home this week.  They have a ~70 day.  I asked if she had gotten out, but they can't go out without a big tadoo and probably an escort.  So... she'll wait until she gets home.  She is... not exactly... keen on rules.  She follows them, but only because the time is short.  If she was stuck in there, they would eventually kill her, as they did my uncle.  Those who don't go along, get ganked.  It's the truth, no matter how rich they are... mostly.  Those who aren't rich will get dead, quickly.  Though that may be the truth almost no matter?

She sounded good.  Really good.  Still keeping her in my prayers, on this particular matter, until she is home.  She is in them elsewhere, in various places.  But, as with you, if you are ill or troubled or such, I add your difficulty to normal areas of prayer.  Mostly general, though keeping some of you in particular in mind.  He... knows.

I tried to call my brother.  He may have no interest in any previous plans.  I haven't heard from him in a while.  And he isn't answering calls lately.  Communication may be at an end, for his part.  It pertains to the vax.  It's just the way it may be.  Not much I  can do about it.  So be it, if that is the case.

Well... I don't know what else to do today.  Oh, rabbits.  Then some more sorting, to look for my wallet more.  Food would be good.  And a shower and shave, hopefully, yet today.  Ugh.  I'll... do what I can.  Later.

A bit late.

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To bed a score before one, or so.  Alarms were set for 08:00 and 10:00.  Awake, but not up, a bit before and after seven.  I did get the windows shut downstairs, to keep the cool in.  Cloudy, or hazy/smoky out there, and yet quite warm and early again.  Even so, and oddly, I suffered shifts of being too hot and too cold last night.

And dreams.  Dreams by the dozen it seemed.  Places I have been, places I have heard about, people I remember, people I don't, good, bad, and ugly.  It seemed every moment I wasn't fully or partly awake, I was dreaming of something, somewhere, someone, or some mix.  I remember almost nothing of them.  Though some of the dreams were... decades long?  Yea.  Not the longest of dreams I have had, but... so rarely do I dream multiple long dreams in one night.  Even a dream of ten years is, usually, a rare thing unto itself.

I just can't remember anything.  Some of them I brought back.  I would think about them, for a bit.  Then, before I could store, I'd be back in another one.  Totally different, in length, by it's nature, everything.  Sometimes I am the actor, sometimes merely an observer as with the Mayans the other night, sometimes a bit of both, some times a target, for good or ill.

I finally woke around 10:30?  Or so.  I turned off the 08:00 alarm, when I shut windows and else.  Then shut off the 10:00 alarm, after the first snooze.  Waking, anyway, at the given time, I think.  Ducks were fed and watered.  Rabbits are next.  Then the girls.  Perhaps myself.  Bleh.

Well, so be it.  I'll get to things, soon.  When I can.  So tired, even still.  The dreams, I just didn't seem to rest because of all the dreams.  Anyway... I'll get to a few things today.  Later.

Such strange things.

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Thoughts.  Brought by others, in video form.  Gifts, of a sort.

The old dog meme?  Yes.  I almost didn't watch.  Didn't seem right.

So difficult.

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A misplaced, or lost, wallet.  Driving at night, realizing age is catching up.  Becoming angry at another driver.  Passing him, and realizing... he is just older, alone, maybe driving in a strange place.  Life can get very difficult, very quickly.  Having some jerk, giving you razzes on top of it?

At least I hadn't honked, or done anything else but grumble.  I could see it in his face.  Lost.  Perhaps he is a local.  But, at night, driving by himself... there are times when even I feel... lost... here.  Or there.  Anywhere.  I can only imagine another decade or two.

I will pray just for him, tonight.  That his life, time here, and passing, will be peaceful.  From then on, I tried to be patient.  Even when it was the driver behind me who was impatient.  Odd how quickly the shoe can change feet.  Such a strange world.

Still pretty warm.  I have looked for my wallet in several other possible places.  I am trying to remember the last time I used it, definitely.  I didn't have it the last time I went out as a passenger.  The night before?  I... just don't know, not for sure.  Did I use it, here at the house, for something?  A call?  I don't think so.

I checked the pack I take with.  Upstairs.  The pants and shorts I have worn recently.  I checked a common drop-off place, and where I would typically go when calling.  I checked both vehicles.  Though I may check with a flashlight.  Perhaps it slid back under the seat... a seat.  The difficulty of not having one's wallet is profound.  Especially when the world is so difficult to navigate even with it.

Death, honestly, seems so much... easier.  Not suicide.  I shouldn't need suicide.  I shouldn't be alive.  Even missing medicines, through simple inability to take them at times, isn't enough to kill me.  It is a cruel world.  Though, too, suffering the humilities, barbs thrown or naturally falling, pains, and else... is a grace.  I know some don't see it as such.  I honestly do see it that way.

Not that I want heaps of these.  But, should they befall me... as they befall me... in even this current set of events... I simply have to accept what is given.  A cross?  Crosses?  My guess is, if you learn to bear a cross, another will be given.  Oh, no worry, we are no threat to Him.  If we learned to carry every cross possible, while walking a tightrope, we still wouldn't near parity.  We aren't able to carry that set.

So, I guess, load up.  Pray in thanks for the opportunity.  Take the punishments, barbs, and suffering due or not.  Be at peace with it.  And carry on.  Frustrating as it might be, it is what it is.  Oh... the medicine is in, at least a partial prescription.  Plus. I will not be taking the nightly extra pill I had thought I was supposed to be taking.  Between those two, I have several weeks supply.  One problem partly managed, for a while.

Good night.  Prayers your way, from a great sinner aiming at sainthood... be you enemy, friend, family, holy, or sinful.  Especially for those who are most of those, one way or the other.  Amen.

A final bit.

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Chores.  Rabbits, and more water for the ducks.  They still had food, so just a bit more water for them.  The rabbits were in pretty good shape.  A few nearly empty waterers, some food out or nearly.  The rabbits were resting.  I think yesterday was as harsh on them as it was on me.  Today is better, but a day of recovery.

The clouds seem to have mostly parted.  Perhaps there was a haze, as well.  It too, mostly, is gone.  It is warm out there, but not blazing.  The last time I checked, it was about 92.  At not even 16:30, it sure seems later.

Hmm, that seemed wrong.  A quick check and... it is 93 now, still, that was fine.  But there is a haze.  What had confused me is, looking at the sun, it seems to shine through.  But the peripheral light is lessened, a good deal.  It feels, by light, as if it was much later in the afternoon.  More like 18:00, almost nearing dusk.

Still a bit tired.  Yesterday was brutal, from start to finish, too hot almost everywhere.  I'm not doing all that well in any case.  If, at least, I was pleasantly comfortable within the excesses.  Only when I push far beyond my capacity to tolerate heat do I realize, even the comfort I have found in this heat is an illusion.  I am not comfortable, in the 70s and 80s.  I am simply able to... forget the misery.  While the cold doesn't, generally, make me miserable, it does slow me down.  I much prefer the cool.  The heat?  I merely survive, even just a few degrees over 70 is a terrible thing for me.

Anyway... good to have the critters fed and watered.  I can't do much more for them, today.  And they don't seem to need it.  Sleepy, in the midday heat.  But comfortable enough as well.  I may take a nap.  Hmm, actually, look for my wallet.  Not sure where it is.  Not much money in it, but that isn't the problem.  Look, then nap.  Later.

A long sleep.

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So very hot and tired.  Then I cooled well enough.  In doing so, I fell to weakness.  Sleep was the only choice.  Not really a choice, option.  More just... a requirement.  Just getting back up the steps was difficult.  So very tired in all the ways I could be.  Still, up I went, dressing more comfortably for sleep, then down.

Like falling into a well.  Almost, initially, a claustrophobic sort of sleep.  Surrounded by it, drowning in it.  This isn't my usual sleep time.  Nor do I usually sleep that deeply.  In time, it became more comfortable, if it remained deep.  Dark, but not cold, hard, or bitter.  A much needed sleep.

I dreamed of, what I presume, Inca civilization.  I had watched a video about them, before going to sleep.  A longer one.  It was more as if I was a spirit, and watched as they started out as a people, then expanded their empire, and finally began falling apart.

If what I saw in the video, and dreamed, were true, their last full true king never even saw those who brought the disease that struck him down.  He heard, rumors of a terrible new man.  Of illness spreading.  After him, civil war to finish what the diseases brought didn't kill.  Lost, in truth, without a shot.

It was a slave culture.  Human sacrifice was a large part of it.  The cultures worked based on simple violence.  As today, to a degree, if much more nakedly. and oil, gas, and other forces do much of the slave labor rather than men, mostly.  No matter how people would wish it, the South American cultures were... for lack of a better word... natively evil.  The great ones, certainly.  Tribal groups might have been fine, enough.  If small enough.  But the larger they grew, the more evil they became.

Though their near or literal contemporaries were similar.  From Rome to Egypt, and most other places, either kings, kings and bureaucrats, backed by slave armies, ruled over the workers.  Bureaucrats, today as then, seem always to become self-serving, indulgent, brutes who hate and lose fear of those they serve.

I do not regret their destruction.  Some of what happened in their destruction should be regretted.  Slavery, of some sorts, is worth than the modern economic forms.  Refusing, as some conquistadors did, bringing them into the church so as to keep them slaves.  I get why the then popes eventually required the allowance of baptism.

Though, as with all religions which seemingly allow adherents in, it isn't always as it seems.  Even if they don't consider them fully human, they would rather receive their taxes in the form of tithes, than to leave their whole bodes as slaves to the state and it's cronies.  Not all is based on faith, or truth, but... just another form of extractions.  I've seen forms of it in every religion I have examined.  The current pope claims to be one of them, in spite of being no less Roman than most other popes.  Magic dirt doesn't work in reverse any more than it does in the obverse.

I do wonder if they, the true of their nations, consider Romans, whites, and others, as poorly as they were considered... and often still are in secret... by those who brought them in?  Then again, this has been the truth since the first popes being of Jewish origins... or what passed for it at that time.

I am quite sure some of the initial leads had great difficulty letting non-Jews in.  Probably thinking quite less of them.  There were always problems allowing the next group in.  And, it exists to this day.  A beautiful struggle, mind you.  It means growth and changed, based on hope, faith, and charity.  Of course, I have my notions.  And, yet, I am no different from the next.  All must struggle with these things.  And so it is.

What a dream though.  To see, with my own eyes pretty much.  Smell-o-vision active.  To taste the foods.  To hear the languages, for there were many at their heights.  It wasn't as bad as it might seem.  Not modern, if many modern places aren't quite what you might presume, either.  The last time I was in France, prostitutes were cleaner, and better dressed, than most typical women.  Almost leading to a... mistake.  The world isn't as one might suspect, or have been lead to believe.

Anyway... so be it.  Up, around noon.  Then some looking around.  I best feed the girls again.  Then the rabbits.  Then?  I... don't know.  A bit of relaxation through the day, after cooking myself yesterday.  It is cooler in here, if not chill.  I am so pleased I was able to wake, open up, and get some cooling in here this morning.  It was hot before I started.

It is 92 out there, but there is a haze, maybe clouds, almost a higher level fog, keeping the sun a bit at bay.  Still hot, but without the blistering sun beating down.  Just... need to wake, before getting going again.  Later.

Finally cooled.

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Both the house and myself.  Ducks fed and watered.  Cats fed.  Rabbits checked, will be finished later.

Too cool?  Or... better.  I must go back on to bed.  Sleep.  I need to recover from the heat yesterday, and this morning down here.  The cooling this morning should help the house stay cooler through the day, if there are limits.  The coolest I saw it, this morning, was 53.  But I fear the heat of the day.

Later.

It's been a very long time...

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Since I have taken one of these.  The results?

The best match between the self assessment you provided and the profile of a fictional character as rated by other people who have taken this survey is the character Paul Atreides (Dune).

89% match

Your traits versus their traits are graphed below (click on points for labels).

How funny.  Anyway...  If you wish to take it?  Click here.

Way too hot.

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Yesterday was brutal.  In the house, out of it.  I was so heatsick by the time I returned, all I could do was to go upstairs and try to cool off.  Only one ac had been on, but the heat really did crank up.  It was up to 77 upstairs.  Even turning both ac's on didn't do much or quickly.  It was after midnight before it finally got to 74.

It has only gotten to 73.  Hot.  I will, for now, keep both ac's on.  If yesterday is the new norm, it will probably only even get to 75 with both on.  I had hoped to be awake a little earlier, to open up... hoping it was cool enough to bother that is.  At nearly 05:00, when waking, it was cool enough so I have opened up, and turned on a few fans.

When I first came down, it was 80 in the front room, and 77 in the main.  Hot.  Being 55 outside, it is cooling some.  Still sick from the heat though.  So, right up front, the heat down here isn't good.  I am hoping it cools quickly.  I won't be doing much work today, as had been hoped.

The girls have been fed.  I will get their litter tended after it cools in here.  I have been taking care of that, so it won't be a mess.  Chores when things cools a bit more.  As is, I am frying just sitting here.  I would like to get feed today, not sure I can.

On to waking and cooling.  I hope.  Later.

Way too hot.

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I did get out.  A promise kept.  But no grain.  I couldn't keep up.  Visited another, out in the heat, and was in minor trouble.  I cannot do this heat, out there.  Like a gerbil or hamster, the heat was really getting to me.  I drove home, but just.

I spoke with my doctor.  It seems he hadn't doubled my medicine.  Further, that medicine is only allowed to be used at half the level I was at.  So... he's cutting that and trying another medicine.  I think I have tried the other medicine, and wasn't able to handle it.  Actually, I have tried many medications and not been able to tolerate most of them well.  We'll see.

I think it is time to go upstairs, cool off, and try to sleep.  I am absolutely crashing.  Life could be at risk if I stay even in the heat happening down here, after today.  If I had the energy, setting up the evap cooler, and getting it going, might work.  But, truth is, I have no energy to do that.

So, on to bed.  I can hope to get grain tomorrow, or some time later next week.

Good day, and probably good night. 

Medicine and else.

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Three more things coming together, more possibly after.  Crazy and yet wonderful.  I never know how things will work out.  Today, things are being crushed, done, handled, managed, fixed, filled, set up, and organized quickly, efficiently, and easily.  Life is good when it all works.

A bit sleepy.  It is getting hot out there.  It was nearing 90 at 10:00 or 11:00?  Yeah, crazy warm.  Given that those temps are often cool for this time of year, and are the hottest it has been in a while, I honestly can't complain.  I may, yet, get the opportunity to try the evaporative cooler.  Maybe yet today.

Oh, and, actually, if I help someone do a bit of work outdoors, I may take this with.  It is said to cool an area.  Often is used for the out of doors.  This might make the effort a bit more practical, or even possible, for me.  Plus, if it actually works?  Just being able to cool off the work zone would win some favor.

All good.  A very good day so far.  I'll have a bit of tea... wait... scratch that.  Something else is about to happen.  All good.  Later.

Ah-ha!

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It wasn't, completely, my bad on the medicine.  While I have been having difficulty staying on medicines, through the heat of the summer, so checking bp was delayed, that wasn't all of why I ran out.  I was still on the prescription for one a day, while taking two per day due to the doctor suggested but not prescribed dose.

So, when asking for a refill, through the automated system, it just wasn't working.  There were refills, but not until... the middle of September, I think.  I was baffled until asked if I was still on one a day.  Ah-ha.  Right.  Everything is a bit messy, but there are some things they can do, I can and did do, and my doctor can do.

Perhaps a partial dose, sent out next week.  And a message, from pharmacy.  Plus, I called central.  And have them sending a message too, in case one doesn't get through.  As well, I realized I may need to travel soon.  So medicine may have to be sent elsewhere... depending on when it can be sent.  Ugh.

However, the process was quite good.  Pleasant folk to speak with.  All interested and seeming able to get the process started and moving.  And doing their best to target and shift.  Rules are fine, but sometimes they really don't work.  Or, there might be acceptable exceptions.  Well played, I hope.

I have a week, two?  I can't remember if I was able to fill to the end of the month in this mediset, but none of the other medicine sets were able to be filled.  And, if all fails, I will survive a week or three without them.  As well, I have been able to add them to my routine with absolutely no pain or downtime.  So all of that means good things.

There were some strange... effects.  I probably wouldn't restart at full dose, immediately, especially after an extended stoppage.  But I would be willing to expedite dosing, from one the first week, up to two in the second week.  Especially with the bp I am seeing.  Yes, it... it worth it.

Now, perhaps to pick up some grain.  It's a short run, but a heavy haul.  Perhaps just get them in the Xterra, and leave that there, in the garage, for now.  Bleh.  Later.

Chores, cats, calls.

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One plan has been sidelined.  Which... is fine.  The other projects have been completed.  But they did wear me out.  It doesn't make sense.  Still, litter and cat food, ducks and rabbits fed and watered, and attempts to call the VA.  Not successfully, so far.  I guess my doctor's staff don't take calls anymore.  I have to go through central, which is rather hit and miss.  Sometimes messages are sent, sometimes not.  I will call pharmacy, see if they can/will send medicine.  Usually, if there is a complication, pharmacy will get messages through much more securely.

Dressed, finally.  I wear less when waking.  Cooler, and less is good, at least solo or with just a woman type around... up to a point.  They can get so fresh if they see a bit too much skin!  I have to dress to get out to chores though, so...  Meh.  Ducks definitely bring to mind the idea of dinosaurs, certain types, if they put the bones together even at 70% to correct.  Difficult to know.  Not sure they even really try, definitely not sure they have the skills, knowledge, or capacity to gain knowledge.  I am beginning to believe crt has been in play a LOT longer than suspected.  Probably including some other such "theories".

This, that, and the other thing.  Though, I think I have bills covered, and I am not completely broke, this month.  I won't hold my breath though.  I'm not sure if utility check was cashed.  Difficult to know, for certain.  It's not a huge check, but it isn't all that small, either.

Grains, perhaps later.  And, maybe, more middling sized waterers.  I bought a bunch of smaller ones, but they really aren't very good.  They last from a day, sometimes nearly two.  The ones one size up last nearly two to three days, depending on temps.  The very large ones last three to five days.  Each has it's pluses and minuses.  I'd like a dozen more middling sized and perhaps half to equal amount larger ones.  Then I will be set for all seasons.  The smaller ones are easier, as they can be refreshed more often, and thaw more quickly.  As well, in high summer, as they don't go stagnant, and provide fresher, cooler, water more frequently.  The bigger ones are perfect more for spring and fall, as the temperatures don't get so high or low as to freeze or cause distaste in the water?  I suspect.

The birds are eating a lot more.  And, when I begin breeding rabbits, they, too, will begin going through food like locusts.  Not much choice in feed, either.  Still, it isn't terribly expensive.  To be honest, their feed is less than cat feed, for two... betwixt dry, canned, and treats.  Toss in litter, and the cats are more expensive than all the animals, probably even when all are at feeding stages.  Yea.  It's mostly the time, chores twice a day, at between an half hour and hour?  No, it's a mix.  Still, honestly, since I have little else I even can do?  It's not a major problem.  Probably healthy for me, requiring me to go out in the cold, and heat, and do a little bit.  As mentioned, that is part of why I have them.  I may, eventually, obtain goats.  A pair of ladies, meat and milk type.  Maybe.

Well... on to waking up.  I had thought to be out doing something else, but that didn't work out.  Something else, else, in a bit?  Maybe.  Until then, I only have to sort out the world and... yea.  Later.

Very good.

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I had feared my bill would be really high.  As it turns out, it was a bit higher than normal, as some remained from the overdue portion.  But, it wasn't nearly as bad as I had worried it would be.  Paid, and set up to autopay.  I had thought it WAS on autopay, so I will be checking.  Thankfully I caught it before it went too far, again.  Ugh.

As well, I paid mortgage.  That wasn't painful.  It has been lowered, so is easier.  Still, a hefty bit of coin.  No problems, as that was planned.  All good.  Was there anything else?  I... don't think so.  Oh, but I will call my the office of my doctor.  I am running out of the new medicine.  It is working, well, mostly, though.  So getting that on full rotation, and obtaining a full supply, would be good.  I have about two weeks left of it.  Bleh.  BP was 114/82, with a pulse of 83 this morning.  That's... almost human.

Then, to get dressed and get going.  A few things yet to do today.  Later.

Exactly 00:01.

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When I went to sleep.  I woke a bit after seven, if it was more like 07:30 when I crawled out.  Wasn't sure I was ready.  Couldn't quite go back to sleep.  The first alarm was set at 08:00, the next at 10:00, in case I overslept.  Things to do this morning?  Yea.

I checked my finances yesterday.  All looks good.  A bill is overdue, I will call about that.  Mortgage needs paid.  I'll pay that as well.  Money, money, money, but that is is how it works.  Always something, but this time I should be okay.  I need to pick up more grain, as well, for the birds.  This time I will add pellets.  They actually do like those, and with three feed types, mixed, it lasts a lot longer somehow.  The pellets are more filling, I think.

I'm not sure, but I don't think it got all that cool out last night.  It was still in the mid or upper 70s when I got home.  The house is very warm.  I didn't open it up, though, either.  I have a few things open, as it is a bit cooler outside than in, but not by all that much, I don't believe.

I best feed the girls, do chores, and make some calls, before doing a bit more in a bit.  All good, I hope.  Good day.

A very good sleep, again.

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So strange.  While I seem to be having trouble doing much, sleep is very good and relatively short.  I am sleeping about eight hours a night.  And very good sleep.  Which is allowing me to be awake during the day.  As to energy?  I don't quite understand why that is so lacking.

I am eating well, if not exactly the best possible food.  I am managing as well as is possible.  Showering every few days, doing chores, this, that, and the other things.  Not able to do almost anything else, for whatever reason.  As well, no pain?  I really don't get that.

I haven't hurt terribly for... months?  Small aches... kidneys, liver, back, but usually when it makes some sense why, or at least mildly.  I can't really make sense of it.  I am not eating as correctly as I had been.  But I am eating less, a lot less.  Not losing an ounce, but definitely eating less.  Energy, to a degree, might be tied to fewer calories... less food, less productivity?  Though there is a limit, due to health.  If I ate enough to be fully productive, I would just gain weight.  I can't be fully productive.  There is a limit to my output that is below my seeming optimal caloric intake.  The problem with regulating that is that it varies.  As my health improves or declines, so too my capacity at output.

Ugh.  Still, I try.  Chores yet to do.  A shower.  A few calls.  Medicine has been taken.  Blood sugar was higher this morning, so will be tended quickly.  Will see how things go.  Would like to get to some cleaning, and business, today.  Oh, and the girls.  I'll get their food and litter first thing.  I've been keeping up on their litter, but their food has been lacking a bit.  Well, two instead of three cans of food, if treats added in recently more often.  So... not too terribly bad.

Later.

Feeling odd.

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Fairly normal, given the temps.  I should have gone upstairs.  Just wasn't feeling like it.  I have eaten several times.  Dosing every other or third meal/snack.  Nothing heavy was eaten, though food was consumed more frequently.  More like four or five, maybe six, snacks... if you count coffee though not counting tea or water as I used nothing in/with those.

Yes, feeling off.  So, blood sugar was taken.  At 62 I understand why I was feeling off.  I have been dosing, but rarely and light doses.  And, while just snacking, some of what I ate was sort of heavy.  Peanut butter, carrots, and celery sticks often tick my blood sugar up a goodly bit.

So?  So, something more.  A milked coffee, with artificial sweeteners... a mix of both liquid sweeteners, as that usually is more tolerable than either alone for some reason.  And, perhaps, a few pieces of raw broccoli and cauliflower fleurets.  No more peanut butter.  That... has... a strange effect I don't prefer.  I thought about dressing.  But that all has probably been in the fridge for... years?  Even chilled, I just don't trust it.  Those and a bottle of water.  I am dehydrating a bit, too.

Someone has been visiting.  Looking far back, and at oddities.  I don't know that I still have friends.  A devil, they think, perhaps.  And, not... completely... off track.  Even, perhaps, if they know I have changed course, being a devil, even if as a servant of the Lord, God, the Holy Ghost... still a... difficult being.  Oh, I... know.  I have lamented this nature.  A devil's advocate, even if come to the right ways, is still a devil.  It's... in the details.  Barbed from head to tail, innit.  A rose of fire.  *wink*  So be it.  I... understand.

Anyway... on to a bite.  But I do notice.  I feel bad, that some may no longer comment here.  For... many reasons.  But I do notice that they do visit.  With great care, quietly, with doubt and trepidation.  I as much feel your presence as notice your footprints, man, woman, even... child.  And, I pray that you are not hurt here.  But I can't... help that, not fully.  So, I pray that if hurt, your wounds heal well.  It is as much as I can do.  Amen.

Have a great day.  I will attempt to... get my life together.  So tired, too hot, but things yet to do.  It is okay.  Later. 

Such a strange day.

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.

It is above 90.  An hour or two ago it pushed up to 92, I think, 93 maybe?  At that point, unless rain clouds, and probably rain too, happen, it will continue to heat until, usually, nearing sunset.  Sometimes cool air will arrive, and begin the process a little more quickly, earlier in the afternoon.  But that is a rare treat.

The front room has gotten to 79, but that is with the computer, router, and a little lamp going.  A lamp might not be preferred, by some.  But with the curtains opened, the heat is even greater.  So, a lamp works best.  I can turn it off, when not typing.  It is cooler and more convenient, so it remains in use.

Tea, cheese and cold cut sandwiches, vegetables and peanut butter.  Nothing fancy, but it works.  I do enjoy the little meals, especially in the summer.  Tea or coffee, if warmth is needed.  Still, a bit tired from the cool, chased by the heat.  An odd mix.  It is high summer.  It could be far worse.  Last year we almost didn't have a summer.  Even this year, it was cut short, and has been hampered, if some of it has been had.

Blood sugar is staying in check, 115 last time I checked.  I'll check in two or three hours, just... to check, I guess.

I see at least one hurricane about to hit Florida?  Perhaps others in the other ocean.  Though if those build to anything, or approach north America, all speculation.  I could see them failing to gain any strength, perhaps devolving.  And, going south wouldn't be a surprise.  Humidity is down to 30%.  And, yet, I... don't think the season is over.  Just stalled.  Will have to see if Fred, my grandfather's name by the way, will pay a visit.  We got along famously.  I miss the old coot, even if he did cheat at cards.  Mom says by accident of site, I suggest a bit of both, or more.  But I don't mind.  I'd happily lose a hand to him, to have a few moments to say hello.

Well... back on to... trying to wake, and push through.  Good afternoon, day, or whatever else might be appropriate to your time and place.  Praying for you, Vox.  Though I think you will manage this.  One can hope.  No matter, you know the score.  As do I.  I have no worries, no matter.  They can't beat the truth.

Pretty cool for being warm?

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.

Last I checked, outdoors, it was up to 74.  While that seems warm, it really isn't.  Here, near the computer, I cooled it off to 71 or 72.  After that became too chill, I turned off the fan, closed the door, back when it was still in the 60s outside.  It has warmed to 73, but, as mentioned, that is cool.  Almost cold.  Very strange.

Not fasting, but blood sugar, when tested, was 82 this morning.  Something and insulin was had first.  Since I have had coffee, to warm.  I will have tea shortly.  Odd that I feel cold at this temperature.  Outdoors feels warm.  But indoors it is cool to chilly, even cold at times.

August 11th?  The weather is not normal.  The sun is still high enough in the sky to warm the place.  But the world, literally the ground, has been cooled off enough to make it more like fall, late fall.  An odd mix of summer and fall is happening.  It still can get to the high 80s, into the 90s, even to the 100s, and yet get to the 40s and 50s at night.  Who knows, we might be getting a very early frost.  Be watching for it.  Might be able to save crops, if it's a rare thing, and short lived.  Might not, if it hits hard, fast, unexpected, or lasts.

The sun is sleeping.  Man has almost nothing to do with it.  Your politicians are squandering resources buying power they won't be able to keep.  If man has anything to do with this, it is his hubris and the price of it.  His rent seeking, power madness, and the cost of good men becoming weak and handing power to the fools who wish it.  Neither gold, glory, safety, or power will be had by them, only death, and to those who allow it, choose it, worse those who are good and know better, but acquiesce.  No matter their reason.  

If for fear, fear is all they will know.  If for gold, then poverty will be theirs.  If to get along so to go along, only strife will they know.  It isn't my wish, or a curse, merely the understanding of how God does things.  If you know better, and have the power, then you must resist or become worse than evil.  Better to pluck an eye, than to burn with it in hell should it guide you astray.  So much more these other things.  I will pray for you.  And suffer with you.  I will not go to hell with you, if that is your path.  Amen.

Anyway... tea...  Yes, I need something warm.  I may add longjohns, and a long sleeve shirt.  So odd to be so cool so deeply in high summer.  Winter won't necessarily be cooler though.  Who knows, it may be warmer.  All I know, about actual global cooling, is to expect unseasonable weather and more extreme weather.  When it is cold, it may well be much colder.  But it may well turn warm, having a false or early spring, only to have spring me an early blazing summer or continuation... even deepening... of winter.  This is how you will know we are in global cooling.  Just, drop the anthropomorphic and we can talk.  It really feels, right down to the bones, wrong.  It isn't wrong, natural... just not... familiar.

Tea for certain.  Vox still isn't back online.  If they are taking him down, or keep him off, then none are safe.  It's politics.  Has nothing to do with law.  Understand that.  If they go after him, and succeed, none are safe.  Then again, after Trump, that was already known.  I'm not positive what it was, exactly, he has done.  Pretty much just being, generally, anti-group think.  But there might be specific suggestions, and the amount of viewers.  No matter.  As mentioned, I am surprised this site still is open (to my knowledge).  I am surprised most of the blogs I visit are still operational, if I think some are compromised one way or another.

Later.

A good sleep.

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.

Down right after midnight, ten and change after... maybe a bit less.  Memory became a haze.  While I don't remember exactly, I know it was about there.  Crawled in and slept like a baby.  A few dreams, odd ones.  But... dreaming, what else needs said.  One erotic.  More a confused memory, a woman I wanted combined with the memory of one I had, the best of both worlds combined.  Yea.

When I woke, I couldn't tell the time.  Or keep it in short term memory.  I kept looking at it, on the alarm clock.  I would sort out the time, clarify, and three seconds later I still wouldn't know the time.  My mind kept thinking it was around 10:00~10:30, plus or minus an hour?  I just could not get it to stick.  I looked at it multiple times.  It just didn't matter, it would not stick.

Dressed and downstairs.  I gave up on knowing the time.  To the bathroom, then to feed and water the ducks.  The rabbits will have to wait.  I'm not awake, aware, or energized enough to do both sets of chores right off.  I'll get to the rabbits in an hour or two.  Still watering them, though about to go turn that off.  They were quite happy to see me today.  I'm always glad to see them.

It is cool out, 53 even after the sun has been up for a few hours.  It was cool in all but the front room, so I opened the front door and turned on a fan.  Just until it cools a bit.  The rest of the house was probably in the low 70s, high 60s, but this front room was in the mid to high 70s still.  Upstairs was 73, with one ac going.  I forgot the fan, near me, on low.  So near me it was 74.  Almost too warm, really.  One ac running, again, last night.

A wonderful sleep, if a very odd one.  I haven't, even yet, quite escaped it's grasp.  It must be the continuation of the cooling.  Though, if it gets warm to hot again, I'll... lose it just as badly.  Maybe worse.  I am very weather dependent.  Too hot, too cold, to variable, and I can be crippled by it.  It is quite frustrating.  Weather, health at any given time, and lack of being fit.

Though, I have to admit, even when I got to swimming a mile three times a week?  I was no fitter than I seem to be now.  While I am slowly losing strength over time, what of it I have, that is more of an aging thing.  That, probably, can't be maintained.  Even 'roids won't do that, comparing apples to apples.  And the costs would be severe.

Today?  I don't know.  If I can wake?  Stuff.  I don't know.  Later.

Oh, it looks like they have taken Vox down.  Permanent?  I guess I will find out, soon enough.  I'm not sure what his "crimes" are, but I would say he is less "thought criminal" than I am.  Though he does have, in theory, many more visitors.  I am being tracked by those who punish "thought criminals", and I get hits from time to time, on this or that.  Perhaps they think they have the power to purge, or are desperate?  Time will tell.

So tired.

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.

It doesn't make sense?  Hmm... then again, I have been awake since 09:30, or so.  It is nearly 23:30.  So... okay.

I haven't done much.  I won't do chores tonight.  I did them around noon, I believe.  I will do them in the morning.  Cooler, outside.  It was warm in here.  I forgot the computer and router on.  Well, didn't forget.  Didn't want to fuss with it, actually, as I think back.

The cool is helping me sleep.  I think tending blood sugar and bp/heart is helping.  But it's not that I didn't want to, didn't make the attempt.  It's that either I was unable to do it, or what I was doing didn't work.  I must be honest, I think, once bp is in better trim, blood sugar is easier to handle.  If either of them is out, the other becomes chaotic.

The trip was quicker tonight.  Depending on which way the wind is blowing, literally, some areas are no use to be hit.  The wind will just blow it off the property, into a field or back to the road.  There are limits to what can be, and should be, done.  They do their best.

Yeah.  I will just settle down.  I got my meds, the last of them, just now.  And I took my slow acting insulin.  I have done what is doable.  Now I just need to settle in so that sleep is possible.  I should sleep quite well.  It is staying cool until around noon.

Because of that, I would love to begin doing more digging.  But I am so very tired.  Not sleepy, not exhausted... as in burned out.  More just that I have no energy to use.  And when I do use energy, I then exhaust very quickly... like living on the edge of a dime.  Too thin.

Life is good, generally.  I haven't hurt in... a while!  Well, that isn't true.  A few times a week my kidneys feel off, bad, they hurt.  And, once in a while, my heart feels a weighty tiredness.  As well, when I exhaust myself, then try to keep pushing, my lungs burn and it can cause my heart to feel exhausted.  But, little things.  I can't seem to push too far beyond, so I can't even hurt myself.  Bleh.  Oh, I try.  End up napping, or just sitting... losing time like dumping wind from a sail.  Still, not... bad.  Very strange.

Good evening, night, and morning if it's the flip where you catch this.

Mocking Achilles.

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.

Fair enough.  Especially if you simply go by the story.  A story, written by a king's man, who had to fear that king or his contemporary kin or replacement.  Based, as well, on divine interventions according to said writers, from men who currently hold no such truck with said interventions.

As well, declining to acknowledge Achilles, while supporting Hector?  The one who lost?  I am thinking, that is less than beta.

As to the men, their morals, their capacities, and truths regarding them?  In a time before Christ?  Men were fallen.  And, either you accepted their heroes, as they were, or you defeated them, that was the way it was.  To judge them by the standards of Catholicism or even weakened Christian churchianity... be nice-ism, is a fail.

Was Achilles, or even Hector, a great man?  No, not really.  They were the elite of their day.  Pick a general today, examine him.  The one who wants critical race theory in the military?  The ones who want more women in the service, and in combat roles?  Post Christian, at the least, certainly not militarily sound, not even sane.  If I had to choose, moderns would lose.

Rather cool.

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.

To bed, and sleep pretty much immediately, at around 02:00 last night.  After the trip, chores and medicine plus an half hour to hour to relax enough to sleep.  Even very tired, I had to come down.  So it was.  I really didn't want to do chores, but felt compelled.  I had been weak on those that day.  Knew it was needed.  Mostly for the rabbits, but like to tend the ducks twice a day as well no matter.

Sleep was wonderful.  No dreams, to my recall, last night.  I forgot to turn on the other ac.  Usually, at night, I turn on both ac's.  I have been thinking about only going with one, since it has been cooler lately.  Leaving one on in the day, changing to the other at night.  But, last night, while I did go with one, it was more that I forgot to turn the other on.  So very tired.

It was 69 last night, when I went to bed.  I thought, as I was checking the alarm clock time, date, and temp, that maybe only one ac was on.  I... just couldn't remember, for certain.  Nor, had I been certain, could I have done much about it.  I just wondered how warm it would get, as such, if so.  Checking this morning, it was still 69 up there.  Very strange.

Down by 09:30, I checked the temperature outside.  It was still only 62?  Humidity is at 32%, downstairs here.  And, in the house, it was in the low 70s.  The windows had not been opened.  I feared a warmed day, and sleeping in, as tired as I was.  Better to have it a bit warm, than blazing through negligence in shutting windows in a timely fashion.  As is, it is chill in the house.

I did open the front door a crack, first thing, and ran the fan for a short bit... to clear out air, and bring in just a big of morning cool.  It quickly became too cool.  And, yet, it was refreshing.  Now I sit, preparing to look around, before doing chores.  Then a shower.  And possibly, after, some business.  Such is life.

On to my day.  Oh... blood sugar was... very good this morning.  It is 119 fasting.  Not the 96 of a few days ago, but... not bad.  It sure beats 177, 188, 225, 350, or higher yet.  I'm not... exactly sure why this is working.  This time.  I quite assure you, I am doing very little differently.  It does seem to be working though.  Oh, and bp is 154/92, with a pulse of 68.  I don't think I will drink tea before testing, from now on.  Not sure that is the problem, but...  As well, I won't take it until an hour or so after medicine has had a chance to work.  Just... thoughts.

Good morning and day.

Understanding, curse, or judgment?

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.

I... see through the eyes, but I can't always say what it felt.  Some would love to damn.  Some do damn.  Others feel sorrow, for... themselves, my foes, my friends, or even me.  I can see what they see, not what they feel, always, absolutely.  Some people hide from their feelings.  Others hide in them.  Only few have them ordered.

I do my best.  As I am sure you do.  What is it they say?  Look.

Down to 50.

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I am not sure if it dropped below even that.  I think it was around 05:30 when I checked.  Crazy.  That is very cool.  It has been down to 46, that I saw, not too long ago.  Crazy, I suppose, can get crazier.  It is getting up to the high 80s and into the 90s, possibly as high as into the 100s not too far away.  But getting as cool as it is really puts a dent in the feel of that.

Just a third into August, and one really does get the feel of fall, later September, even mid to later October.  I am sleeping odd hours.  As if my body isn't sure how to deal with things.  The cool makes me want to sleep, the heat makes me want to work... until it breaks me.  My physical form just doesn't quite know how to handle the weather.

Here, at twenty to nine, it is 62 out there.  The sun is up, but hasn't broken through whatever is between it and the ground.  Clouds?  Inversion?  Smoke?  A mix?  It will, probably, get quite hot out there today.  Or may.  Humidity is at 36%.  Down from the 40s, even high 50s for that bit.  Though it could go either way, in a hurry, with just a bit of something or other coming through.  Though, truth be told, it is... pleasant, mostly.

Blood sugar dropped to 122 with a small meal and dose of insulin.  As such, I'm having another small meal, coffee this time, with milk, and cheese.  Micromanaging might end up biting me where it hurts most, but... I... want to try.  If it drops a bit too much, I'll just have something else to eat.  I need to cook up some burger, for a taco salad, anyway.

Does anyone get the sense that the world has gone absolutely black, the wrong way, is going in the wrong direction, top to bottom?  I'm not sure if the elites are pulling a Jim Jones.  Perhaps they know, or believe, their world is going to end and want to go out on top?  Or, they have just lost all faith, but as worldly people, believe death for all is better than living in poverty, or in difficult times?

Yeah, awake, finally?

.

.

Down after 17:30, perhaps to nearly 18:00?  Sometime in there.  I did wake at midnight, thought I was mostly awake.  Reclined for just a bit to gather my wits.  And, got up.  It... seems to have taken three hours and change to gather my wits!  Oh well, awake, now, finally.

It was about 03:30 when I finally climbed out of my sleeping roll.  I got water going for tea.  This time I set it for 155, I believe.  It was allowed to steep for three minutes.  It's good.  It is about 60 outside, so I opened things up to let some fresh air in.  A pleasant thing this morning.

A few things to do, if I can get going.  Blood sugar is higher than I'd like this morning.  Not sure why.  Did I forget slow acting?  Did I not take enough with food?  I don't know.  It does what it does.  Still, at 188, it is under the 200 mark.  Still, almost twice as much as my last fasting reading?  Whatever.  It really just doesn't make sense to me.

On to my day.  I'll finish the tea first.  Not a bad cup of the stuff.  Should have had coffee, as it is morning and coffee hits better.  But I wanted to see about this next temp range.  I'll make two cups at that temp and time, then use boiling, and five minutes of steep time, for a final use.  Each group has a slightly unique flavor offering and strength, but the strengths are actually similar.  One  tea ball full will last, as I do things, about a week... with a cup every other day.  No sweeteners needed.

Later.

Food and insulin.

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.

Time to sleep.  It was rather warm out there, in spite off the dust, wind, and cloud/smoke cover.  A very strange day.  Medicine down.  Well, actually, no, it's not down.  It will be, shortly.  I have set up the water to boil three or four times.  I kept losing track, and it would get cold.  Finally, this time.  And I have a timer set.

Being it is the third time I have used these leaves, I am steeping them in boiling water, and for three minutes.  If it doesn't look amber enough, I may let them steep a little longer.  I will have my medicine with that.  Had to check, on medicine.  Yea no.

It reads 84, outdoors.  With 36% humidity.  It had gotten at least to 94, though I think it may have peaked higher.  Something feels awful out there, even now as it drops.  ...  Two more minutes, on the tea.  Ugh...  I'll have to let it cool a bit, too.  Anyway, it just feels oppressive out there.  Not like full sun, and full heat, but a muggy middling.  As bad, just with some humidity instead of, or replacing, higher heat and direct sun.  It just feels bad, and has creeped into the house.

After tea and medicines, I will crash.  The girls have been fed, again.  Though I may give them treats on my way.  They have sure been hungry lately.  So, when weather is rough, high or low, and they ask... I give.  I have had many take mercy on my miserable soul, often undeservingly.  These girls deserve these minor and just rewards.

Well... it's about time to do the tea, and treat the girls.  Good afternoon, day, and probably night.

Nearly 90 out there.

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.

Outside, that is.  But slightly overcast, or smoky, perhaps a bit of both.  With a strong breeze going, as well.  There is some light smoke in the wind, but either it is weak or it has become so familiar that it isn't standing out.  It is reading 78 near the machine, but it feels cool, chilly, maybe even cold.  I turned the fan off.

A bite to eat, raw broccoli and cauliflower, plus four slices of cheese, two with three slices of cold cuts... black forest ham, or so the package says.  That and simple water.  Blood sugar went up to 151.  So, next time I eat something, I'll take a, albeit small, dose of insulin.  Perhaps just 8 cc's, 12?  Somewhere in there.

I called my mom, and got through.  I timed it for when she often is awake, in normal times, avoiding meal and snack times as best as I could.  We had a good talk.  No visitors this weekend, but that happens.  I know that is tough, but it helps her get out sooner.  Though, really, it does happen.  Both of us boys have called, and maybe others have called.  She isn't abandoned.

By the sounds of it, her wound, external, has healed.  It is more just regaining strength and balance.  A woman she worked with at another place is now working in the center.  She brings her fresh veggies, and such, from her garden, possibly fruits if those are coming in?  And helps her.  It's... good to have friends.  Fresh tomatoes, today or yesterday?  Life is good, but she sounds ready to go home.  I am pretty sure, barring anything else, that she will get there pretty soon.  Good to talk, hear her voice.

While speaking with her, I went outside.  It was rather pleasant to be out there.  So cool in here, or seems to be.  Hmm, I really am hungry.  I'll... look around.  I may not do much.  Perhaps just eat, then go on to bed, doing chores and a bit else when I wake.  It is a nice day, but it sure feels like fall.  It's coming fast.  Later.

Without comprehension.

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.

Awake.  Early.  I thought I would end up sleeping a week.  I stayed up so long, did so much before I was through.  Yet I couldn't sleep until... 02:30?  Or so.  It has been cool.  Cooler.  Sometimes chill.  There is that.  But it hasn't gotten truly cold, bitter or even extra chilly.  That does help.  Up at about 10:20.

It is 74 outside, 73 in this front room, probably 71 elsewhere in the house, and 72 upstairs.  Humidity is 41% down here, didn't check it upstairs, but it would be five to fifteen points lower, due to the ac's.  I usually run both at night, though, if sleeping nights and the nights remain this cool, I may cut it to one.

Medicine in.  I'll check bp later.  Blood sugar checked, 91 fasting?  Wow, nice.  That is... the best fasting blood sugar I have ever had.  I have had it nearing that number, but never after a true eight hour plus fast.  It always has been higher.  I think my previous low fasting was 121, I had a few times?  Something.  Why?  I can't say.  I didn't eat particularly well yesterday, by a huge stretch.  I dosed accordingly, but usually do.  Nothing fancy.

Water is heating for a last attempt at the last vestiges of the tea leaves.  Whether there will be any flavor is anyone's guess.  If not, I'll have learned.  If so, too, I will have learned.  A little warmth, this morning, would be good.  Though, I think, I will be getting back to coffee every other or third morning, and tea more in the afternoon when I feel a chill.  Nothing fancy, but it will do.  Not every day, just an occasional.  That, and back to soups and stews, if chill is the new normal and fall has arrived early.  Maybe no matter.

Chores, shortly.  Perhaps a last load of laundry.  Clean clothes up, some of them, to be managed.  A few light things today.  I'm not going to push it, but if I can, I will.  Life is such an odd little thing.  And mine is a little life to start, these days.  But it isn't empty, even if all I have is effort.

Well, on to tea.  Perhaps a few slices of cheese and a few pieces of sliced beef cold cuts between.  Nothing fancy, but I am beginning to enjoy.  I eat better, when the option and capacity to think it through, and time and energy, are available.  But if I need more food, I go get that.  And... that seems to work... if I really need it?

Good morning and day.  Hup.

----------

122/86, pulse 70

So almost ready for bed!

.

.

Chores were finally done.  As well, it is cooling.  Last I checked, and hour or so ago, it was down to 53.  It feels cooler yet.  Chilly.  I almost suggested "maybe".  No maybe about it.  Even here, near the warmth of the machine, with the light and router going, it is down to 72?  Yes, chilly.

I did tend the girls' litter, twice today if I remember correctly.  I will feed them, again, tonight.  I have been feeding them, well, I think.  But they are so very hungry anyway.  Perhaps I haven't been feeding them on a good schedule, or their schedule.  Which, yea, can throw a person, even a cat woman... or two.  So, yes, I'll feed them again as I head to sleep.

I did make another 'cup' of tea.  This was a second brewing, at 175.  I am going to try one more brewing, but this time at boiling.  The higher temperature is in an attempt to obtain as much flavor as might be left in the leaves.  There may be very little flavor left, but that makes the next full strength cuppa taste that much fresher, deeper, more pleasant.  I will try a lower temperature next time, and similar brewing time... two to three minutes.  With the chill coming on, warm to hot tea does a body good, as does coffee.

Oh, and I need to get back to kefir.  I haven't been doing well enough to do this correctly.  I really enjoy the stuff, and would have enjoyed it in the heat.  I just couldn't keep up on production.  Wonderful stuff.  Homemade.  I know what is in it (assuming no one spikes it, which I can't).  Still, generally, it works... generally.

It hasn't been a perfect week.  I have had to push and shove to get anything done.  I am absolutely exhausted from all the effort to do the little I could do.  Even chores are tripping me up, wearing me out.  Hopefully, with the timed items tended, I can slowly begin to do more.  Slowly, but... more certainly?  I... can hope.  And pray.  If you want to offer a favor, offer a prayer.  Even if it doesn't help me, it will help you.  Amen.

A few pieces of cheese, before I go to bed?  I wonder if I have some pecans, or pistachios.  I have overeaten today, but am hungry nonetheless.  I'd hate to wake with a pillow missing and sore throat.  Though... I would be full.  Still, that would be a rather... expensive meal.

Good night and morning.  See to you, again, hopefully a bit after sunup.