No calls, but...

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I decided to email two of the people who have tried to contact me.  I had sixteen messages to erase.  There would have been more, but that, with four saved, filled my message service.  I was polite, but plain.  Charging $10k, for $30k, plus interest, is beyond the pale.  I suggest the $2k to $3k range, for closing, would have been acceptable.  But not this.  Didn't wish them well, just suggested that they be so.

Headache.  Neckache.  Food was good, but it isn't being processed well.  Just sitting in there.  Yea, I can tell when I am overly tired.

I have made it through much of the game, if there are some side quests, even with planning, which were not completable.  If there are a number yet to complete.  They just... don't trigger properly, all of them.  I am guessing that bad programming is part of the problem.  Some call that mystique.  It's... just poor program tracking.

The other major problem is when standard "yard trash" mobs are more difficult to defeat than some bosses.  Well, and for some 'toons, cheesing is the only way through some areas.  Basically, the game requires certain types to cheat certain areas.  And, pretty much, everyone ends up cheating.  There isn't a reasonable way through.  Now, when I say cheating, I mean doing things other than the straightforward manner.  The annoying part is figuring out how to cheat, when all else fails.

I am on a non-boss which may well end up being more difficult than the boss whose access he guards.  Annoying.  I've tried three different ways, multiple times.  I am beyond what is considered meta in the game.  And, yet, can't even get him down to even two thirds health.  Stupid.

They have opened up some of the earlier areas, making one boss who required perfect timing, no lag, and luck as well?  Nerfed.  But, so too where some of our powers, and npc cooperative player system.  But, they haven't touched the last, say, thirty or forty bosses.  Some of which weren't too bad, a few which are terribly difficult, to the point that it seems they devs are cheating for the mob.  It's like, some of them, you have to die at least a certain number of times.

On to bed.  I am hoping the phone calls stop.  And emails.  And texts.  Wow, what a screwy thing.  I wonder if taking a sip out of equity is always that painful, if that is a new thing, or... what.  I just know I wouldn't do that to save one of my nuts!  I suppose some people are truly desperate.  Not I.

When I can be up, and well, during the days, I may begin talking to the telebuyers, who want to buy the place.  Just... see where that would go.  Maybe talk to a real estate dealer, the one who sold me the place, perhaps.  Just... get a rough call on the place.  I have an estimate, but as mentioned, some of those places sold a bit ago.  Things have... warmed up, recently.  Spookily.  At 3.5, I'd not walk, but run.  Six months to get me out, unless they could spot me something to get packed and out faster.

So tired of trying to keep a house and home, bills, and else.  Keeping thieves at bay, as well as a sleepy head can.  Animals that won't breed... if I wonder if there is more to it.  As with the ducks, I wonder if I am just not welcome here.  So be it.  If I can go, I will.  Later.

A small start.

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I did call my brother.  Couldn't get through.  AND his voice messaging system was full.  Okay.  So, I let that go, for then.  And started my waking process.  He did call back.  It's obvious he has a lot happening.  I realize I am rather far down on any list.  Actually, I'm not on any list he has.  Since we were children, for many reasons.  I get it.  Still, I call for... duty?  Something.  A mother's request, as well.

I had meant to call about the mortgage option, to cancel it.  So they stop calling.  Five to seven calls a day.  I had intended to just ghost them, but... I'd like my phone back.  It's just too late.  They close East Coast times.  Tomorrow.  And the woman who was in charge, initially.  It's like they have two whites do the major stuff, then ten minorities call over and over and reiterate, and irritate.  They need to stop that.  It doesn't help.  Even if their deal had been worth engaging, that has to stop.  If they really need quota hirers, hire them, and have them call each other.  Or some other equally useless, if less bothersome, tasks.  Although, with elites as they are today, bothering clients with minority hires IS part of their job, I think.

Hungry, a bit?  But not terribly interested in eating anyway.  I am thinking, perhaps, some or the remainder of the pork roast, and some veggies, steamed.  Yes, maybe.  It is cool out there, around 42?  Something like that.  And a bit windy, plus overcast.  A spring day, a less pleasant one, but no longer winter.  There is that.

Later.

No longer asleep?

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Actually, doing well this morning.  Not that I will be able, yet, to do much.  BUT.  Better it is.  No great pains, my feet don't hurt from being waterlogged, everything... feels better.  Some of it was the stress of the lien... that wasn't.  Some of it was the stress of the renegotiated mortgage that was impossibly expensive.  They are still calling.  I suppose I should call them and let them know to get stuffed, officially.  Oh, fine, I'll do it a bit more diplomatically.  But, yea, no.

I have decided to forgo the rest of the regularly scheduled purchases this month, and buy a countertop reverse osmosis machine.  The under-the-sink one always drips.  Even when I fix it, over time... and I mean a short time... it ends up putting water down there again.  I can't keep up on that.  So, I'll... fix it with this new system.  As well, I don't have to worry about it running overnight.  And, can have several batches of water, ready, at a time.  Maybe three, one or two out, and similar in the fridge.  With breakfast and coffees, at least currently, I go through about one batch a day.  As summer hits, I'll probably be changing over to a tea and a coffee, though maybe more tea?  I will be drinking more in the heat.

Oddly, when it is very hot and very cold is when I drink the most, though maybe that makes sense.  I suppose both extremes tax the body more than more regulated, moderate, times.  I'm not really hungry, but I'll have breakfast anyway.  I think all else I ate yesterday was bratwursts and sauerkraut.  Just... wasn't hungry.  Oh, and a can of kipper snacks.  Those are actually not sardines, a slightly larger fish.  Just as good, in my book.

I am hoping to get a shower, cook some foods, do a few batches of dishes, maybe a load of laundry?  Yes, I can definitely get that going.  Then go work on the beams of the clothes line poles... get the old stuff off, the foam, and perhaps sand them a bit?  If so, I'll put linseed oil on them, when they are installed.  Or something like that... to help preserve them.

Oh, a dream.  Groups, in various churches, are nearly superhuman.  Humble, it seems.  And, they know they can't win some wars.  How things work, I can't always say.  I... actually, to a degree, believe the dream.  I have seen things.  But the mind likes to... let the... unusual slide out of mind, rather than note it and codify it into rational, or... conscious? thought.

Work was done, in the dream, that isn't possible.  Not just men, there were women who were terribly strong.  I am not sure, literally, about the women, though I suspect so.  But the men, I have seen them do.  And, I know one.  If not in that way, for a group, I once was such a man.  But, a bad heart really does change everything.  Even so, for having a bad heart, and being my age?  Against a normal?  I still don't think it is a contest.  Just my hand strength, at 250 pounds per square inch, and up to 350 if then my hands can hurt themselves when I use them full stop...  But, in my dream, I saw that groups, in various churches, are like... army, or builder, ants.  Only used in emergencies, and only in some places.

Then again, it may just be that God works with, through, some people?  In certain ways?  What amazes me is that people can see these things, and still choose not to believe.  I could, to a degree, disbelieve... because I too could do such, at once.  As a non-comformist, non-believer... of sorts.  But I was different.  Unnatural.  Probably not fully human.  These... are human.  I can tell.  Something about their nature.

What makes a human actually human?  Lineage, is part of it.  But, too, some... thing.  A soul.  It isn't something to be tested for, but it can be... understood to be had, by some, and not by others.  But, don't think having a soul makes one capable of sinlessness either, though.  Actually, the non-humans are evil immaculate... outside of God's grace, without having to sin.  Born that way.  I was among them, but called from that.  A terrifying ordeal.  Fought hard.  But, I was looking for a way in, just... didn't realize what... that meant.  As mentioned, I thought I could own the holy, wise, true, beautiful.  I didn't realize I would have to... subject myself to it.  To bow to it.  To pray to it.  Oh, I got it, but... it got me.

Hmm... well... that is the story of one older giantling, for I am the smaller of my kind.  And I tell you, it is as true as I can understand to tell you.  Amen.

Anyway... on to... something.  Waking, and breakfast, first.  Sassy was already fed, then her litter cleared.  I tried to call my brother yesterday.  Will try again today.  Having the devil of a time getting ahold of him, and he doesn't seem to want to call back.  I think he is worried I will ask for something.  At this point, I won't.  He... is and does as he must, and is up against it.  Plus, I... generally piss him off.  Not intentionally.  Then again, I think, currently, everybody from wifey to kids to parents, to... friends... piss him off.  Life is hard for him, and bothers bother.

Later.  Have a good day.  Get to it if you can, or just enjoy the... slide.  For some of us, the slide... is shorter, now.  Though, for everyone, no matter, the slide is one day shorter than it was yesterday at this time.  Amen.

Idiots.

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The lien?  On the house?  Is to the mortgage holder!  Ugh!  They all have that.  I didn't know they held a lien.  I guess I didn't know how that works.  I was wondering, as I had not been informed of anything else.  These two or three weeks, worried about a lien that was, in essence, just the mortgage holder claim.

Well, that makes like easier.  So... no worries.  They are pushing for me to sign.  Oh well.  A ten grand cost for a thirty grand loan, on the value of the house?  No.  If it had been a few grand, sure, maybe.  Paperwork and whatnot.  But not a third of the value of the loan.  Plus interest.  One or the other, mostly, not both.

At least I don't have to worry about fighting a legal battle about a medical debt, or some such.  Yea.  But, the extra two hundred I was going to have to be putting against the new higher mortgage can go into savings.  Along with what else was going in.  Plus, whatever extra from through the month.  If I can push three times that amount, I can get electrical in a year, or even this fall.  And begin arranging furnace and central air next spring or fall.  Plus, to little things between now and then... out of pocket.  Sure, it won't be as fast.  But that is stupid expensive financing.  No thank you.  Crazy.  Insane.  Criminal, in my opinion.  And that was through the V.A. financing?  Yea no.

Well, now I can relax.  That was half of what was bothering me.  Keeping me down.  So much stress.  Dealing with housing/home is... so very stressful.  And an unknown lien was more terrifying to boot.  It's the unknown that can kill.  I may have to see how much I could get for the place.  Less then 300 and I won't sell.  More and I'd sell today.  Much more and I'd do it yesterday, figure out how to get out shortly.  

Visit my mother, on my way to... nowhere.  El Salvador, the Philippines, or wherever I felt reasonable about, and could get a non-masked transport to... say a private sailing ship, or even boarding on a hauler ship of some sort.  I won't fly, as long as masks are mandated, certainly not if the jab is required.

Or... just disappear, again.  It'll be the thousandth time.  I... would be giving a few folks a few ducks.  Family, and friend family.  Just... a bit.  To help get them started, and to one who may no longer be a friend for things I have said... if truthful, hurtful.  Because I want to see him succeed.  I won't apologize, but I will... gift the righteous a bit.  Then again, that is as much a pipedream as the loan was.  So...  Just... dreaming.  Later.

When you are next to death?

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When you are, mostly, just waiting... to die?  When there is little else you can do.  Graced to be able to get up, even stand, some days?  You speak... your mind.  People, normals, really aren't read for that.  They are so busy living in little lies, trying to get what they want, on the cheap, that... they really just can't handle the truth.

Hurt feelings?  Wait until what you face is a final, probably terribly painful, quick or slow, slide off the plane of life.  All you can see is the truth, or aspects of it.  You can't fathom sparing feelings.  Some fear chasing the few people off who will talk to them.  I am beyond that.  Not... for cruelties sake, just... I say what I think because I no longer have the capacity, the energy, to negotiate truths to make people feel better about the lies they live, or try to hide in.

Not that I am always, say, right.  Just... that... I say it as I see it.  I get in such trouble for it.  Whether written, or spoken.  The longer you have been close to death, the closer you have gotten, and certainly if you have... if briefly... slipped these surly bonds.  You can never come back "home".  To understand, if not quite have seen, the face of God... the truth is more important, by far, than even the life I have been entrusted.  I won't negotiate, on that, anymore.  I do try, however, to be more kindly.  But, sometimes, it is what it is.  Ask, and without thought I may well tell.

Just... thinking.  Of how many people I have enraged, by denying lies people live, hide, and worse die, in.  Or their kin or friends.  I... like to hope, by telling and keeping to the truth, I might help them from their shadows, sin, lies, pride.  Some people will never be helped.  Refuse.  Some... I think... can't be.  At some point, choice is no longer available.  Still, I will keep to the truth, if for no other good than what remains of my earthly sanity.  Amen.

Not as bad as yesterday.

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Stressed, though.  Tired.  Hurting.  Sore.  The heart, it really is sore, as if bruised.  But, as mentioned, better today.

I'll be sending an email to the company dealing, potentially, with the lean.  Lien?  Yea, whatever.  Anyway.  Everything is being held up by them, at the moment.  Partly.  Though, really, just a decision.  Which is the crux of the process.  So...

Dark, again?  Or partly?  Haven't looked out.  Seeing some light peak in, but...  I looked out.  Hazy rather than full on cloudy, but darker.  Not a full shine, for certain.  It was 65, upstairs, with the windows open.  But, the furnace is on, so that may have thrown it.  Even with the door shut, and vent blocked off, in warmer weather that heat will add to the upstairs.

I tried the double fermented kefir.  Putting it in the fridge overnight, as it had jelled well.  But it has absolutely no flavor.  Then again, it's a first batch.  And, I can smell the kefir, at least in the fermenting jars.  I can't, in the second ferment jar.  Dumping that.  But, then, I usually do.  Still, I think it won't work, so ordered another batch of fresh kefir grains.  And, when that arrives, will get fresh milk right away, and get that going.  Now I know where to get what I need, and exactly what I need.  Might as well dump that first load.  Though, rather than waste, I'd like to create a line of this stuff, to compare to the new stuff.  Only, I won't probably keep the old stuff.  My guess is, if abused a bit, it will lose some of the yeast and bacteria a fresh batch has.  Not everything makes it through time.  Not sure it can be reintroduced.

Oh, and I am quitting cream, from the dairy.  Will go back to milk, and just milk.  Cream at the store is close enough, since they are all pretty much just fats, but milks are different.  Non-homogenized, not pasteurized, milk is much finer.  Whereas cream is pretty much cream, as it isn't homogenized, though may be pasteurized if that doesn't make much difference for fats.  And, at half to a third the cost, it... isn't worth any spread on any issue.  But milk, especially for kefir, once it's been fed up to production on 'milk light'... yes, that will be worth a bit extra.  That is still twice the price of regular milk, but, as mentioned, is worth it.

Breakfast is brewing.  The litter pans have been cleaned.  Dishes reset, not that there are many.  I am about to send an email, about the lien.  And, then... start the waking process.  Good morning... day now. 

Okay.

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About the game... 'Elden Ring'.  While there are problems?  It is both huge, varied, and interesting.  There is so very much to do.  Every time I think I have an area down, there... was more.  More, and more, and more.  Mostly... a good thing.  A bit overwhelming.  And, for a completionist?  A... an understanding.  I won't ever do everything in the game, even if I played it three or four times through.

Even the questlines, some of them, are... taxing?  The problem with the quests is that there is no way one person would probably every figure out a whole line.  There either are no hints as to the next step, not indication there even is a next step, or the notions are so unclear that nothing could be sorted out, other than returning to old areas, going to new areas, talking to everybody, every time you see them, and even then, hoping you don't do something or go too far in the rest of the game, so as to break a quest without knowing it.

Essentially, you have to know the quests before doing them, which is... totally wrong.  It sort of breaks the game, the immersion.

Still.  If you have time, and need to bury it?  This is your oyster.  For me, currently, it is just something that keeps me awake.  I would be sleeping, or dead?  Perhaps it has gone a bit far, and is now keeping me under.  Can't be sure.  But... it is what it is, until it runs it's course.  Addictions are what they are.

A salad, for supper.  Nothing fancy.  I am tending the kefir.  I reset the grains, to fresh milk, and placed the first fermented milk in a third jar, to second ferment.  I am keeping the furnace higher than I would, to ensure the kefir goes forward.  It needs to be warm.  Especially starting out.  Later on, when I get two or three, or four or five, iterations... and the grains are stronger, I can allow it to be cooler.  I am babying them, for now.  Not sure they will work, being refrigerated for perhaps a month, two?  Will see.  But it seems to be... trying.  I may just order a new batch.  Now that I know where to go to get what I need, without a doubt.

Once I get it going, I will, eventually, have to try it with goat milk.  Now that I know where to get that, too.  But only with very healthy grains, as I think they ultra-pasteurize that.  Or... find a local who milks, and would sell.  Or... trade for something.  Anyway... just some plans and thoughts.

I may or may not have time to get anything done.  But I keep trying, searching, seeking, looking, thinking.  And, when possible, acting.  It's a frustrating life.  As with my mother, I am sometimes crippled.  But, I... can still do things.  And sure try.  Life isn't... perfect.  But it is what I have, and I will try to use and enjoy it.  It, all by itself, is a sacrifice to God.  I have accepted His word, that I should live.  And I try to make that word worthy of His will.  Amen.

A call.

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Just checking on mother.  She had a rough day, too.  Weakness, couldn't stand or walk well.  Frustrating, I know.  Which is why I am hoping to get a shower stool soon.  I don't need it all the time, just... once in a while.  Legs become jello.  Sometimes it's from the muscles, sometimes from the heart.  Though perhaps they are both from the heart, just a different mechanism?  I would guess so, as my muscles and nerves, and else, are pretty good.  Just out of shape.

She is getting her funeral arrangements made.  She has plans for the service.  Knows where it will be.  Has everything paid up.  Oh, and is writing the obituary.  I asked if she would send a copy.  Just to see.  What a gal, to be honest.  Once I get things a bit more settled, and decide a few more things, I... will begin with that process myself.  To include, possibly, having my casket ready.  May try to build it myself.  Best to converse with funeral homes/services, to make sure the casket will hold.  A bit of engineering is required for those, especially when burying a bear.  Wouldn't want the indignity to pallbearers to have me drop out midway there.  Then again, don't want it so overbuilt that it takes ten to carry.  Though, often, these days, they just mount the caskets on gurney sort of things... with wheels.  Pallbearers are getting older too.  The world is... dying.  The West is.  Aging before it does so.

Still rough.  Food was good.  But... it's a rough day.  Dark.  Windy?  A bit, I think.  I, and my mother, both get the sense that a snowstorm is still on the way, in our areas.  She feels it in her bones, I feel it in my spirit.  Could both be wrong.  Strange, we would both feel it, though.  Could, still, be wrong.  Or we are in for a heck of a storm.  Time will tell, if I have my doubts.  Just a... fluke of feels?

Have heard nothing from the people, regarding the potential lean on the house.  May give them a call tomorrow.  Later.

A rough start.

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Things hurt that haven't hurt in a while.  I need to get back on meds, know it, but can't seem to do so.  Sleep is off, everything I do costs a lot of effort, effort I don't have to give.  Still.  Until I can get unstuck, this is the way of it.

Breakfast water is heating.  Sassy has been fed, and then her litter cleared.  I'll refresh her water when I get in to work on the waterers.  I have roast, for lunch.  And a salad to have with it.  I'll skip veggies this time.  Well, other than the salad.  I'll be cooking a few other things today.  Those pork meatballs, and probably browning then baking chicken.  I'll set the meatballs aside for later this week.  Oh, but to get the stew for it, I'll be making corned beef, one last batch.  I bought two more while at the store, for later in the year.  I miss those, missed them a lot, this time, apparently.

And, before long, today or tomorrow, I need to separate the veggies in the mixed pack.  They last better when parted.  The celery is still good from the last pack, and would have gone bad, in the mix, and then made everything else get bad too.  Odd how that works.  As is, a ten dollar veggie mix pack will offer... about seven to eight meals (or dishes really, as two could be had in one meal session).  So, yes, for me, well worth it.  Plus, no prep on my side.  Unless I chop the celery for rare soup additions, or in casseroles.

It seems expensive, as with the mixed prepped salad... with shaved carrots, cucumbers, and cherry tomatoes, for $11.  But, that gives me about seven to ten salads, depending on if I have them as the main meal mostly, or as a side.  Plus, no waste.  Same with the veggie pack, now I almost never waste.  Whereas when I would buy the parts, sometimes they would never be formed into a meal=ready variant, and would just, often, go bad.  And, two salads, and four veggie packs, last pretty much the month...  So, $22 plus $40, at $62 takes care of most of my fresh veggie needs.  And, with nearly no waste?  I can't beat it.

I am down to just doing chores every other day.  They usually still have a bit of food left, and water too.  Now that water doesn't freeze, they don't have a thirst craze, or need for twice a day waterings.  Until the heat hits, then it might be more like at least once a day, plus with frozen water bottles out with them.  But just until they acclimate, then occasionally as a treat.  At some point, the acclimatize.  But that first few weeks... yes... a little extra care.  And, occasionally, or on the hottest of days.

Well... on to... setting up breakfast, and waking.  Later.

That was a very good pork roast.

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Browning, the only way to go.  Will never skip it from now on, no matter the meat.  As well, and onion, halved, put on top.  As well as salt and pepper.  I let it mostly cook, then added the older veggies.  but they were still good.  Gave it all another half hour, and... dinner.

The pork was overdone, by temp.  But was... fine.  Pork can handle some overcooking.  Especially for us older types, who are used to pork being cooked to absolute death because of the parasites that are common to pork.  Anyway, still very, very good.

I thought about salad, with fresh on hand.  But the meat and veggies was quite enough.  I might have something later, or not.  I will be sure to put this roast up.  I have turnips and rutabaga, which I might make for the next serving of this.  Nothing like those root veggies with a roast, of almost any kind.

I haven't heard anything back.  Sent a fax, regarding a potential lean on my house.  I didn't know about that.  Wasn't informed.  Anyway, want to find out more.  Waiting for more information before things are sorted.  Time.  Tic-toc, tic-toc, clippety-clop... the horseman are time killers, but... time can only be killed just... so... much.  Delayed, not truly killed.  But... killed enough to make it all work.  Just, not all times, in all things.  To each nature and reality, as season.  Odd.

Oh, but I did, finally, get kefir going.  Not sure it will work out.  Using quart jars, but only filling them half way... until the grains really pop.  Then I may add more.  Want to see what will happen.  On the bad side, the grains I got, I got quite a while ago.  I think they will still work, but may be a bit janky?  Or take extra time?  Lightly pasteurized milk, non-homogenized.  Perfect for starting.  Though, if this doesn't work, I'll reorder, and restart the whole thing.

I... couldn't get out.  I... couldn't get going.  I am still having trouble.  I am way behind, on a dozen things.  But... the rabbits are kept fed and watered, as is Sassy, and even myself.  And clean.  Litter to behind the ears, if the house needs help.

I may call, about the offer on the house.  See where that might lead.  I doubt if I could get what I would really want.  But you never know.  I'd need three, to three and an half of debt, to feel like I could walk away with enough for a new gig, probably somewhere South of the border.  Or in Asia.  

If Asia is looking a little spooky, with China wanting to own the area, an idiot in the lead office of the land, and asians freaking about covid, and doing things not even America or Europe has tried to implement, yet.  Not sure if foreigners are as poorly treated as the natives, but... it... could be a bit treacherous over there.  Even in the more West friendly of the nations.

South America... depends on where, and when.  And, might be able to find a way out if it all went to shit.  Probably have a method or three, on the sidebooks, just in case.  Anything from another covid overreaction to a bloody insurrection, invasion by another nation or China, or... pick one.  South America is not exactly known for stability, or civility, when it goes... well... south.

My mother doesn't like the idea.  But the truth is, in exploring options regarding escapes, I may well end up visiting her more often, having extra cast and a lower overhead, even living in a foreign country.  So it goes.  Europe is gone, as a potential place to move.  They have become muslim, and it won't get better.  They are crushing their people, and I look like their people... or close enough.  Then again, nowhere is safe.  Not anymore.  Choose your poison.

Well... on to gaming.  They nerfed one of the major bosses, though they have nerfed on both sides of things.  I don't know.  I had a Chinese instructor who, first, failed every single engineer in his engineering calculus class.  Then, when I was in his class, I got like 665 of 693 total points in his class, with homework, quizzes, tests, and the final.  The next was a 560, the rest were mostly in the 330 to 360 ranges, with a few in the 260 range.  He gave EVERYBODY a B or higher.  Asshole.  They sent him back to fucking China, where he belonged.  He had a really attitude about Americans.  I was surprised they bombed him, but... all good.  Still.  That is what this feels like.  Either failing everyone, or passing everyone with a higher grade.  Assholes.

Anyway... on to it.  Have a good day, or... night.  And maybe goodnight.  What little I did today has pretty much worn me out.  Might be able to sleep earlier.  Or not.  Later, or goodnight.  And... in spite of my foul tongue to page, amen.

To town.

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A fax, for business.  May be too late, will see.  Then, to shopping.  I had enough in my account to do the first grocery shopping of the month.  And, since I was in town... check.  Hopefully, I can get something together, for dinner, tonight.  Oh, and I did find goat milk.  It was... quite interesting.  A lot less carbs than bovine, but strangely sweeter and gamier.  I liked it.  Reminds me of how cow milk used to taste?  Yes, before they drove it to being nearly clinically clean.

Saw a gal, who was... quite... interested.  Younger than... but not a baby.  Clean, neat, a little extra, but just.  I... could see that.  I may be back.  Something... about her.  I'll see if there is more than just something.  Time will tell.

I did buy turnips and rutabaga, plus cabbage and veggies.  I am thinking a nice pork roast, with veggies, and those veggies too.  And cabbage.  Oh, and cabbage balls.  It will just be a mixed pot thing.  Windy, dark, but warmer out there.

Ah, and the young one was over.  He was switching the mower to the mower deck, took off the plow blade.  Gotta get ready for the world of growing things.  And... he is in love.  I am absolutely pleased.  He showed me her picture today.  I am well pleased.  Talking, a lot.  That is what their dates are.  Movies, sometimes.  Perhaps a meal.  But, mostly talking.

I am not great with these things.  I just know, they could use someone good on their side, in these times.  And, I think he is a good guy, with a solid head on his shoulders.  I did advise, they may well break up... several times before marriage.  *grins*  I told him not to worry, but to... go back on bended knee.  If she is a good woman, do it.  Just... eat humble pie, eat crow, and make it right.

Anyway...  I best get to things.  Sassy is hungry, chores need doing, I need food.  And... such.  Have a great day.  Later. 

Awake. Time.

.

.

Not to bed until nearly five.  Up at... eleven, almost on the dot.  Trash barrel has been brought back in.  Recycling hasn't been picked up.  May not be?  Never can be sure.  Sassy has been fed, and her litter cleared.

Business, today.  Something needs faxed.  Always something.  But, that will happen soon.  Dressed, as if I mean it.  Dark outside, but already up to 62.  It was 66 upstairs, 65 in this front room, and 70 in the main.  But... I turned the furnace up, and forgot to shut it off last night.  Still, when 70 is well warm enough, things have changed.

Breakfast, but need to get the water going.  Then, a few things.  Chores, but need to do some waterers first.  Oh, I need to clean up my shave.  I really missed some areas.  Mostly just the right side of my face, along the sideburn area.  How do I do that?  Bleh.  I'll... get that and give the whole face a refresher... just a single pass, if I hit that one area twice.  Hate that.

Well, on to my day.  Good morning, day, and else, as you please.  Amen.

Well, most of it.

.

.

A shower, and shave too.  Just letting my hair dry a bit before taking the last bag of trash out.  I got it, and recycling, ready to go.  Even bagged everything back up... ready for this new week.

I am thinking, as I near catching back up with my last 'toon, I can start backing off a bit.  Hitting a boss every few days.  Exploring and going back over old ground missed in the rush to catch up.  Though much of it was missed with my first 'toon too.  You can... only just do so much.  And the game has so very much.

A bit more leveling, as well.  But, taking my foot off the accelerator, and trying to get back to life a bit more.  Trying.  About another hour.  Sure, I'd... like to be in bed right now.  But I... have to let the hair dry, and then get trash and recycling out, and to the curb.

I did check the temp, either 50 or 52, last I checked, about an hour ago?  Really?  Two nights ago, and on back, it was still getting down to freezing at night!  What a change.  Goodnight.

Not much.

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.

Trash is mostly out.  A bag remains?  And recycling, just in case, if only one bag total is available for that.  A shower is still on the menu.  As is food.  Haven't eaten much today.  Hungry, and, yet, not.  I may see about salad.  I really did well with the dressings.  Would like to try other dressings, in time... again.

The game has been better.  I have used what I learned the first time through, in order to really hit things better.  Usually.  My sneak through, to get beyond a boss I had trouble defeating the first time, did work.  Though, to be honest, I think I can beat that boss, now that I know how.  I just... wanted to do it.

I am nearly back to where I was.  Though, too, I have learned that, possibly, the quests I thought were dead, simply hadn't been added to the game yet.  Which means, the people posting about how to do it?  Are mostly like devs, or people working for them.  They are putting how to vids out before it is even available in-game.  Pretty sad.

Lots of problems with the game.  Lag.  Some of it is created, by the game, if it doesn't think you should be at that step/place, at your level, or just because.  There is more happening in the game than what it seems.  Not just a game.  I think they are attempting to gather data, use the game-play as a computer.  To solve problems.  But, they don't like them solved other than how they prefer it.  So, if you break the rules, or do a different system, the game doesn't play nicely with you.  There are often several ways to solve things, but, if you try a novel way, it either won't work, or will be brutal.

On the good side, there is some point when you actually do level beyond some areas.  That is truly annoying, when they keep even starter areas up with you.  This game does level the area, with you, to a point.  But, when you get beyond, to another point, it weakens the initial areas.  That... was annoying, in most such games.  At fifty levels, the starter area really shouldn't be difficult.  Not that they can't kill you, but they shouldn't be able to with modest effort.  Plus, revenge.  Good to go back and clear and sort some things, and go over areas you couldn't at one time... but this time with an edge.  It is nice.

Anyway... yes, a shower and shave.  But a salad first, and a movie.  I try a few each week.  Most just get dumped.  PC crap just isn't interesting.  And, really, I don't have blacks in my life, and no interest in seeing them on the screen.  They are always the kind, caring, sacrificial colored that doesn't exist in real life.  Sad, really.  And there are other types of shows I won't watch.  The 90 pound woman who takes on Bruce Lee.  Well, actually, that is probably more practical than the 90 pounder trying to take on someone my size.  My backhand could take some men's lives.  A 90 pound women would be good to wake in a week, should I put slight effort into it.  No, having been in the military doesn't change a thing.  I have a female cousin, who has been granted "ranger" status.  Guarantee, she can't take a man.  Ask her ex.  Just... don't go there.  Bad for business.

Awake?

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Down at 1:00, or so, up at 09:30... nearly.  Bleary eyed, sleepy head, and such.  But awake.  If I can stay awake.  So tired.

A shower, shave?  Breakfast first.  I may put the trash out, see if they will pick it up.  Oh... well... most of it is out, but... they aren't picking it up.  I thought it was Monday.  I guarantee they don't pick up on Sundays.  Well, one more bag to go.  I'll do that in a bit, and clear anything behind it.  And get recycling out.

So very tired.

I did call mom yesterday.  She's... doing.  It's cooler then, and windy.  Surprisingly, we are hitting the 70's before they.  Oh, it is already 55 or so out there.  I put up a new thermometer, for out there.  Left the old one up.  But... it is... being weird.  There is now an air bubble in it's line, so the reading is... off.  The new one is just hard to read.  I'll... have to figure it out, as I did the last one.

It was 64/65 upstairs, with windows and door open, and furnace off.  It is 69 downstairs, with windows still shut.  I have things to do.  I need to try on dress shoes, dress pants, and some things.  So I can get what doesn't fit, or isn't like, back.  I haven't been up to it, and it almost got forgotten.  Working on things, slowly.  These things mean a shower needs to be had, shave optional.  But I don't try on clothes without being freshly washed.

On to... life.  Oh, had eggs and the last chop last night.  Pan fried, all, and it was quite good.  That is how to get a chop crisp.  Cook it on the grill, then just fry it.  No breading or such needed.  Although... I would add a bit more salt, both while grilling, then when frying.  Pretty bland if you go stingy with the salt.  Wouldn't salt everything I eat that heavily, but some things need it.

Well, back on to life.  Later.

So very tired.

.

.

And, yet, I can't sleep.  Can't get to much.  Medicine.  A hot fatted coffee.  That's... it, so far.

Chores next?  Maybe.  Maybe fried eggs, and that last pork chop.  Hungry.  I've been hungry since I woke.  Finished the last of the boiled eggs last night.  Those really were superior.  I had a heck of a time peeling them, but other than that...  And, for the trade-off, if that is the trade-off, okay.  Some eggs, boiled, are dubious from the start.  These were excellent.

Oh, I did go through one of my cupboards last night.  Some things were out of date five years ago... 2017?  I think there was a 2015.  Ugh.  Out.  And I sorted things a bit.  Now, sometime maybe today, I want to hit the shelving.  Take food downstairs.  Put jars on there, rightly, and sorted by size.

Chores, though, next.  When I can.  Or, maybe food first?  One or the other.  Hmm... perhaps a chia breakfast.  It is filling, and actually offers reasonable energy.  Yes, chia breakfast first, as I try to break the crushing spell... the exhaustion that just won't leave!

Maybe call mom, too.  I try my brother, from time to time, with no great success.  I'm not even sure he always even gets that I call?  Does he, or someone else, remove the notification, and forget?  No worries.  I... am guilty of that myself.  It happens, sometimes it starts with "sh".  :p

A bit darker today.  But it is 74!?! out there?  Wow.  Nice.  I... opened up the rest of the house.  The upstairs was already open, just staying open, for now.  Absolutely fabulous weather.  Well, actually?  Even with the overcast part.  I can handle this.  Happily.  If I had my things together, including self, I'd get out and hike today.  Maybe a hundred feet, maybe a mile, perhaps ten.  But I'm... not... ready, able.  This time.  I need to get ready, able.

Well... on to gaming a bit.  Oh, but I'm at a boss.  I have beat it before, but this is a new game.  Have to... sort out how to beat it, again.  This time I will look it up, as if that helps.  Usually given by tanks, or dex dps.  Rarely do casters put up boss guides.  Can't get near them, but can't get away from them.  Might as well be a close quarters fighter, because spells are useless, nearly, in many boss fights.  Why even create the class if you have to uses swords, or just die a lot until luck holds?  Bleh.

I'm most of the way back to where my last 'toon was.  Though, perhaps, a better way?  Then again, from what I am hearing, the quests were, and some might still be, broken.  The game wasn't ready to play, or had major issues, right out of the box.  Typical, these days.  It's as good as it gets, and is what it is.  So, looking up that boss.  Two bosses, actually.  Then I can get to the area where... I might even be able to now sneak even beyond without having to fight a crazy boss?  Ugh.  If I can sneak through a side way, I may be able to catch up, nearly fully, after these two bosses... three... four?  Two to four, while avoiding the fifth?  For now?  Maybe.

Later.

I dreamed of Genie?

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.

Well, yes, and now.  Three Genies, none of them spelled that way, only one with a "g", the other two being "j" variants.  Women I... either dated, or had plans to date.  Never worked out.  Not even in my dreams.  But I enjoyed the chases.  And I still think of them, if I don't always remember them specifically.

No one can fault me for not having tried.  I was with many women, and would have been with more, if time and allowances had worked out.  I... like women.  Not just for sex, if that is an obvious and required part of it.  So many difficulties with them, and yet I trudged on.  If I could get out a bit more, I would consider finding one again, as is.  I have seen some with interest.  I have had interest in a few.  Again, it... just hasn't worked out.

Good dreams.  Fond memories.  Pretty women.

The windows were left open again last night.  And it only got down to 62 up there, with the furnace off.  If, too, the door shut and the vent closes and blocked as well.  I did turn the furnace on this morning.  As, while it feels good... the lower temps... it still limits my ability to do things.  And I have things to do.  A shower, and perhaps shave early on.  Chores rather earlier... at least in the relative run of my day.  But, too, dishes, and maybe some laundry?  Vacuuming?  Some work in the bathroom?  Gathering trash and recycling for out?  Things like that.

Oh, but the birds.  Chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp, CHIRP!  No, not a problem.  It was quite a little joy, to hear them at it.  Kept waking me, but it was a good thing.  Spring has finally, officially, sprung.  Maybe they were at it earlier, but today is when I heard it, and felt it.  The 60 degree day, recently, was the opening bell.  The chirping was the first prelude to the kickoff.  It is 55, already, at 10:00.  So... yeah.

I went to bed right at 02:00, and woke right at 10:00.  Technically, for me, a perfect sleep.  The hours are off.  I am still tired.  But... it is technically right.  If I could back sleep down, say going in at 01:00, or midnight... and get it on back to, say, 19:00 to 20:00?  That would be ideal.  We'll see.  Dubious, almost never runs that way, but I keep trying.

A fatted coffee is on the way.  Breakfast a little later.  Not terribly hungry, or ready for food.  In... a bit.  Good morning and day.  I'll say a little prayer for one and all after I sign off.  Be well.

Up, not quite at it.

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.

Planning on a shower, shortly.  My feet are... really doing well!  Just after a few days of solid slathering, and more frequent showers, plus a little bit of cuticle and nail trimming care.  Well, and taking a few extra water pills to get the lead out!  Oh, and, my nails, toe and finger, are beginning to grow much faster.  I have backed off protein powder a bit, too.  I suppose it is just catching up, or warming up, or both.

Down between two and three again.  Up at about 09:30.  Pushing it.  But... I... couldn't sleep last night.  And... I... couldn't sleep more this morning.  It is what it is.  Oh, and I checked outdoors, first thing.  It was already 52 outside!  I did leave the windows open upstairs (only, shut up the downstairs).  It only got down to 59 up there?  Weird, but okay.  And, I didn't turn the furnace back on yesterday.  It's 62 in this front room, and 66 but oddly warm in the main room.  I did turn the furnace on, and up, but just to 72.  The chill has broken, or for today.

A bit cloudy.  That may or may not pass.  I'll have to try to sit out there, or do something out there.  Sun or no, as long as it doesn't rain.  Dancing in the rain is only cosher if it is, or has been, warmer.  I'm not ready for that today.  It honestly feels like it could snow though, again?  Oh well.

Today?  Trying to get back to things.  Breakfast is going, though just chia.  I'll have the chop and eggs later.  A shower, and very shortly.  Then dressed, and going, and on to some business.  I'd like to get to the grocery store, though who knows.  And, I'd like to sort storage in the kitchen, so I can clear the freezertop of the extra jars!  Ugh!  I can probably get enough foodstuffs down to the basement pantry to open up the shelves.  Probably.  And, if I go that way, I may open a whole lot of space... putting foods down, AND other things in their own, and/or rightful, place(s).  Bleh.

I think I can, I think, I can, I think I can, said the little choo-choo train.

Have a great morning and day.  Eat a spot, have a beverage of some sort, straighten your mind around, and get to it.  Good morning and day.

Chops.

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The grill just wouldn't heat well.  It was still 38 out, when I started the process.  So it shouldn't have been too cold.  I have grilled on freezing days, with relative success and a hot grill.  Tonight, it just wouldn't light up.  I almost timed out, but the last time I checked it, it was... glowing, broadly.  It still took... twenty... thirty... minutes, to grill the chops to something like done.  They did get done, but not crispy.  Ugh.  Or as crispy as I like.

Sassy has been begging for food all day.  I'm not sure what her deal is.  That isn't like her.  The last few days, actually.  And, she has been filling the litter boxes more than usual.  Not sure what is going on with her.  No, no extra food.  I am just giving her fewer treats, per offering, just offering them more often.  I have cut her treats in half, so I can give them four times a day, instead of two.  A... trick I learned with Sam.  And, it... worked on both of them, so far.

I had two of the chops.  One in the fridge, will be had with eggs tomorrow.  Nothing like chops and fried eggs.  Though, chia again.  I've skipped that two or three times in the last seven days.  As days warm, I'll probably not want hot breakfast?  Then again, that won't be until late May, early June?  No worries now.  Though, I could add the chia to yogurt, or such, and let it soak overnight.  That might work too.  And be cool, plus all the omega 3s.

I had hoped to do things today.  It just didn't work.  Still hoping to take a shower, air drying hair a bit before bedtime.  Not sure it will happen.  Tomorrow, morning, maybe.  Well, on to something... while I think.  Then a shower.  Goodnight.

Not much.

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.

Chores, just now.  Pork chops, on the grill, this evening?  Maybe.  A fatted coffee, and eggs, twice today.  Boiled eggs don't always last long.  Trying to fully enjoy them.  I've burned a dozen since making.  Four at a time.  It works for me.  Easy food.  Works even better in the summer.  Easy cold/cool food.

The rabbits were happy to see me.  Most of them.  Perhaps now they will breed?  Or conceive.  Or... make babies!  Ugh.  I'm starting to think they are millennials, or even the next gen!  They do know... if done correctly, bad is... very good... don't they?  Even I, a monster and stranger and freak... know.  Dear Lord, I'd die if I thought there were no women.  Even if I am, probably, sadly, out of the game.  I'd... love to chase again.  Couldn't chase far, or long.  It's more a matter of finding... a... group to choose from, become regular, and... then let the thing happen.  But, at this point...  Anyway...  Tomorrow.  I'll... get them in and going.

Oh?  And it is absolutely gorgeous out there!  It is 60, F.  The warmest, by far, I have seen it since early last fall!  Crazy.  I have the furnace off, and all the windows open.  Plus, with the upstairs having been open all day, I opened the door to the upstairs so the whole place gets some airing.

Oh, it feels so good!  I feel alive.  The sun is going down, but was out.  It... is just... wonderful.  I wish I had realized earlier.  I would have gone out, set out there.  I don't care if I read a book, or played checkers alone, or... just sat out there.  I... would have gotten out.  I may have to find a place where I can take a bit of food, water, find a walking stick?  Or just taking my walking poles?  And, just... go for strolls, hikes, walks, whatever... when it is like this.  Yes, the weather was getting to me.

I was going to call mom today.  I'm... not sure where my phone is.  A text, too, to someone... to see about somethings.  I'll... find my phone, soon.  Today yet.  Later.

Reasonable.

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Didn't go down until after two, nearing three... at least half after, but not yet three.  I woke at 09:30 or close enough.  Planning on another shower.  Then getting more properly dressed.  Chores, too, as soon as it looks warm enough to do so.  

A quick check shows I could do chores anytime.  It is between 48 and 49 out there already!  I can take that.  Must have suspected, as... strangely, I opened upstairs, to air out today.  With the vent shut, and filled with plastic bags and such on top of that, and the door shut, I won't just be rolling heat out onto the yard, either.

Oh, the corned beef is going.  One last meal of it.  A shower, some business, chores, then meatballs.  I'd like to do shopping, not sure I can make it.  Feeling... good, though.  Feeling almost ready.  I have started medicine, but just on half doses.  Not quite ready for full blast, it has been too long.  Though, I'd like to get a few months set up, if I have it, and then hit it as soon as I run out of the four doses I am using as single day doses.

I mean:  I usually take two doses a day, not exactly the same, but pretty close.  I have been using a single of those, per day, for a few days, and have a few more left.  After that, I will try to go back to two doses a day.  I overdid, then fell.  I could only do so much, keep trying to do more, and... do more, but fail in other areas.

Imagine you could only do, say, ten things a day.  Any things.  But, those things have to include cooking, cleaning sessions, dishes, taking medicine... every discreet project, duty, or job.  But, only ten.  And, let us say, somehow, you push it to twelve.  But, those things, by their nature, exclude other things.  Well, that is sort of how I live.  No matter how hard I try, that is it, or pretty close to it.

Though, if I push to ten, or fourteen, things a day, for a while... or simply go beyond my cap for a while?  Then I have to go a week to a month doing three or four things a day.  It isn't a fair tradeoff.  I don't get as much as I lose.  I lose far more, for far longer.  I get punished for trying.  And, yet, sometimes I have no choice.  Going for gold requires sacrifice.

Anyway...  So be it.  I am still in the sacrifice stage.  Edging back to my old normal, but slowly.  Breakfast is ready, if you could call corned beef and cabbage breakfast.  It will, to my mind, do quite nicely.  Good morning, day, and else.  Be well.  Later.

So tired.

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.

And, yet, here I sit, at a bit after midnight, typing.  I should have been asleep hours ago.  I made progress in my game, broke through to something I needed, which is allowing me to get back on track with a number of things.  But, that isn't why I am still awake.  Insomnia.  A minor case/form of it, but... yes.  That's been dogging my steps for a while now.

Another meal, out of the corned beef.  One meal left.  I didn't do pork meatballs, but hope to tomorrow.  And pork chops, most likely, with a salad.  Oh, and those boiled eggs are... good.  I worried, a bit.  They are old.  I get new, every two weeks.  But... I... had some from... a while ago, ago.  I didn't want to waste them, or use the new for boiled.  I floated tested them.  They seemed legit.  I did toss a few I was queasy regarding.  But, the rest seem quite good.

Not only good, they are far better than storebought.  And, to be honest, probably fresher.  I really have gotten lucky, with regards to fresh and farm goods and foods.  What I can afford, anyway.

I didn't get done, today, what was needed.  I did do some small things.  Just keeping up on waterers, for the rabbits, for example.  Keep pushing to finish and fully catch up, it just slips my grasp, aim.  But, a shower and shave makes doing other things more probable, and soon?  So very tired.

I don't know if I mentioned, but it got up to 52 out there.  It didn't feel it, but... in another way, it did.  Feels more like fall than spring, I suppose, is why that 52 feels like it's going down, not coming up.  Hopefully that isn't the case.  I'd hate to miss another summer.  Or have too short of one.  Meh, it all works out, or doesn't.  *grins*  *rictus grins?*  Maybe.

On to bed.  Goodnight, sleep well, dream as you may.  

Starting late.

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But, starting.  Started.  Sassy has been attended, well, this morning.  I have had breakfast, and my version of 'seltzer water'.  Things dried up, mostly, after that, until right at noon.  Something... inspired, pushed, pulled, begged, and it worked.  To it, in a couple of little ways.

Chores.  Only the housed rabbits needed fresh water.  They have such tiny waterers.  But everyone needed food?  Well, two or four still had some left, out of ten.  But, little enough left I added some to most of even those.  It is nice out there, if, strangely, the ground is still frozen?  It is a very strange weather system this spring.  So be it.

Then, on to a shower.  Right away, no break was needed!  A nice, long, hot, shower.  Clean, again.  Maybe not every day, but every other.  Vera noice.  As well, I shaved.  Not as closely as the other day, but a good follow-up.  Now, if I could shave twice a week, I could keep my face in some kind of showing condition.  Showering as well.  They go good together, but aren't necessary to be together.  And, some days, I just can't do both, especially with what else is required.

So tired, even so.  Working doesn't... add to that, mostly.  Unless it is heavier work.  The sensation may prevent work, either through literally physically breaking down far too quickly, or just causing a mind fog impossible to break through.  I do my best, but reality is what it is.  That is why they tried to just let me die.  No fixing some things, people.

Oh, anyway... and I got dinner going.  The corned beef is in, simmering.  I know, two in a row.  But I truly love the stuff.  And I have another one in the freezer.  Plus, I need the stock for soup, in a day or two.  Damned fine food, all by itself.  When doubled up, into another stew, it is closing in on mom food... her best.  Not quite, but mom food is... a dream, ideal, notion, hope, want, not a reality.  It can't be obtained, only... neared.

Oh, right, I have eggs boiled!  I might have a few of those, with some fatted coffee.  Just... yea.  Need to get them eaten, and really do like them.  It's been a long while, too long.

Drying off, then I will dress like a grownup.  Not... necessarily for any reason.  Gas costs too much to do any real travel.  Don't even want to go to town.  May have too, soon enough.  But, not yet, today?  Or... is there something?  Bleh.  So... foggy.  Coffee, drying, eggs, and gaming... with a timer set for two hours?  Sure.  Why not.  Try to get to something then, if not before.  Might get up and get dressed in there.  Later.

Up, again, sort of getting at it.

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.

Pee jug dumped, rinsed, and cleaned.  Sassy fed and her litter tended.  Plus, she got some attention.  Don't forget the critter for the duty.  She's a little darling, I want her to know it.  Some other things, but I forget in the morning mind fog.  It is 34 to 35 out there.  It must have been below freezing last night, to still be that cool well into the morning.

Just turned nine and a dime here.  I've been up since about 08:30.  Dressed, if in pajamas.  Then again, I crashed in them last night.  Often I just wear a shirt or nightshirt to bed, and unders.  Good to be a guy?  I don't know, but we don't need breathing for our odd, ugly, parts.  :p

Dreams, several of them lately.  Zombie, action, adventure.  Not quite about this game, though one had themes of the last game.  Most were just people I have, or wanted, to know.  The last was a romance, with a particular woman, who liked me, and I her, but the opportunity never presented.  A gal I had forgotten altogether.  Only knew her for a few weeks?  Yea.  But we had a raging romance anyway.  It was both of us.  It would have happened but I got called away.  Was so busy while I knew her, too.  Just, literally, never had a moment, or one to bank on in any near or more distant future.  Busy little... mechanic.  Of mice and men, which truly scurries?

But, in the dream, time was found or made.  To a park, a dinner somewhere, lots of talking.  We never did... anything.  Just fall in love.  I hope she found a guy, for her life.  And had couple or more kids.  She... deserved them.  And, some guy, and family, deserved her.

A shower, then shave, is next.  Then?  Business, phone calls, things.  Plus some cleaning up.  But, first, to wake.  I'm not moving fast.  I'll set a timer.  Not a fast one, two hours?  Yes.  And, get water going for a breakfast.  My usual daily driver.  Simple, but it works.

Oh, the sun is out.  It might yet be cold, but to see some light is a glorious thing after days of gloom.  If it warms a bit, I might have to have a coffee out on my back lawn, after showered and dressed more properly.  Neck is stiff.  A bit of a headache.  Bleary, drooping, eyes.  Still tired.  But... will... do some things today.  God has forced me to live, which is now finally seen as a grace, I will... attempt to use that gift.  The best ones hurt, love, women, pets, children, work one loves... these all hurt to have and hold.  Life, itself, is a painful grace.  Live the blessing.  Amen.

Trying to shut down.

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As with waking, sometimes, sleeping can be difficult.  Changing states, it seems, is... can be... a problem for me.  I am tired, have been tired all day.  Wanted to stay in bed.  Wanted to nap.  Now?  At midnight?  After waking at around 07:00?  Or earlier?  I... just... can't sleep.  Will try shortly.

I did boil eggs.  I have a tidy batch cooked, peeled, and refrigerated in a plastic container.  I had some with my salad.  No tuna.  I wasn't up to the extra work.  No shower, either.  But the eggs took my energy.  A... reasonable tradeoff.  I'll happily snack on boiled eggs through the next few days.  Still have fried eggs, from time to time as well.

Sassy came up, last night.  Probably because I showered yesterday.  The door was open the night before, but she didn't visit, that I was aware.  I may let her come up again tonight.  She, like Sam, must also have been a bit of a bone hoarder.  She finds bones, and brings them out.  Or... is she just... wanting something of Sam's?  Odd, how we do miss those who are gone, in our own peculiar ways.

Sassy has been talking to me a lot, lately.  We have little conversations, during the day.  Oh, and I caught her... looking at where I had just, also, seen a 'shadow' of Sam.  Two different times.  She didn't get too freaky, but... she did seem odd, for a bit.  It might all just be imagination.  But, I tell you, the dead know my name.  Some visit.  Some who know me, some who don't... or didn't.  A woman, from this house's history, before the front and back additions... long before.  Not happy with having a whole new kitchen, and strange devices, or a giant, in her home... but not totally rude either.  Tiny little thing, fully adult though.  With a bonnet, or something.  Not as substantial as a human, like smoke, with some definition.  Not completely comprehensible, due to being partially seethrough.  Or... just a dream.

Anyway...  On to bed, I do believe.  Chops, tomorrow, for lunch.  And, maybe, frying the ground pork meatballs, for a vegetable soup, the day after?  Maybe.  Though, too, another round of corned beef.  Hmm... actually, I'd do the corned beef first, and use the remainder stock for the vegetable stew.  Only, this time I will flavor the meatballs.  Check.

Good late night, day, and goodnight.  Sleep well.  Dream well.  

Not much.

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Still haven't showered.  Feeding Sassy, will check her litter shortly, and take a shower, again, before long... and shave.

I pulled meat from the freezer.  I've been living on scraps the last two days.  All good, partly.  But I'd like a bit more, or better, soon.  I'll have a tuna salad shortly, maybe boil some eggs first?  Those are excellent with salads, tuna or else.

Yes, burned out, to the ground.  Trying to push through, but... we'll see.  At least I am clean, and hands and feet are really well on the mend.

The sun was out for a bit, and it got up to 48 F, for what that is worth.  It didn't feel like it.  Still felt quite chill.  Well, okay, it... was better, but...  It was me.  There are times when I cannot warm.  I felt some goodness with the weather, just couldn't enjoy it fully.

Trying to get back on medicine.  Yes, dropped.  There are times when I simply can't pay attention.  Details, like days, weeks, even months, can slip by.  I have been doing better, if it might not seem like it.  At least I don't lose months of my life with no idea what just happened.  Hoping I mostly just slept, or at least didn't do anything bad?  Something.  Though I don't think so.  As I told a banker the other day, after teasing about being allowed into the vault... I couldn't steal, even if left alone with a trillion dollars, days to get to it, and no trouble in any cases.  At my age, health, and such, I realize that a few dollars more will do me no good, less if stolen.  If given?  That is another matter, if allowed to steal, I wouldn't.  And it is true, if I wouldn't care to be tempted too often.

Yes, a salad, a bit more gaming, a shower and shave, maybe more dishes put in... and waterers fully caught up?  I can hope.  It's not much.  But it's pushing what I can do.  Oh, I have had to standing sessions at the computer table.  I can't do it for long, but I might be able to improve, slowly, over time?  I'm going to try.

I spent little more than for a standard computer desk, and at it's size, probably no more at all.  It is a big desk, perfect for a mini-giant.  Still, might as well try to utilize it.  It does have an alarm, to let me to know to stand.  I'm... not sure I want to trust that, currently.  Perhaps, when my legs get stronger, stamina builds, then, maybe.  And, if I end up doing that, and the alarm sounds, but I am gaming?  I may just stand out there?  Maybe.  If... I can get that far.

Salad, salad, salad.  Then more sitting.  Then the rest, in parts.  Later.

A start.

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Sassy, and her litter, tended.  Breakfast, for myself.  And chores.  So far.  I need to sit for a bit.  Then a shower.  Maybe a shave?  Two days in a row?  Yes, but it... gets it tuned, after not having shaven for a while.  When shaving a few times a week, twice in a row is almost never needed.

Then?  A bit of business.  Checking on some things.  Taking down the bed form in the master bedroom.  Working on boxes of things, loose items, trying to organize items and boxes better.  Well, and I ought to thaw meat.  Chops, but what else?  Those ground pork meatballs were pretty good.  A little bland, so I might see what I have as is.  Perhaps I have fennel seed up there, some time, perhaps basil or something along those lines.  And, heat, if I wanted that.  Those, in a vegetable soup, would work.  Nothing fancy, but... it... will do.

So tired though.  Still dark out there.  Not as dark, mostly.  But definitely not sunny, or close.  Thinner clouds, but everywhere... mostly.  It is above freezing, so they won't have to fight frost to get their sips on.  I may have to see about getting them to breed again.  Maybe it was too cold.  Maybe it was too dark.  Maybe... who knows.  But it has been... two months, and no signs of birthing.

For the little ones, I only have one male.  For the big ones, I only have one female.  Ugh.  I'll give it a shot, or let them, sometime this week.  And, I think, with my big doe, she will go in with each big buck, for a bit.  Hoping one of them will do the trick.  Make sure I see a mounting, then leave them for an hour.  Each buck, over several days.  Twice a day.

For the little ones, I'll try to get the male in with two does per week, an hour per visit, two visits per doe.  Have to be careful, he could kill himself going at it.  I am hoping this pace isn't too much for him?  I simply don't know.  But with only one buck, I have to be careful with him.  With the doe, less so.  She isn't the one who... stresses.

One more shot.  After that I will just get rid of them.  This is... the third... no fourth... time.  We will see.  Later.

Up and... thinking about getting at it.

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So very tired.  Just, mostly, not requiring sleep.  Short, on sleep, last night though.  It was half after midnight, give or take small change.  It was probably a quarter to seven when I got up, ten minutes later as I sit typing.

No, I actually did a few thing.  I cleared litter, refilled the heater for coffee/tea water, took off my gloves and washed (as well as able) the balm from overnight, and dressed... if just in house clothes... pj's and a warm fleece-like jacket.  So, yeah.  I... did a lot in a few minutes, actually.

No dishes were added in to the wash yesterday.  I may be able to get the last few small loads?  Or at least get two going.  But?  With the the tub open?  I may shower again, right quick, as first thing as possible from this point on.  I must admit, I am looking at a shower bench.  Just... something to put in, and set upon, while showering.

My legs are getting weak.  No matter how much I push to strengthen them, how much protein I take.  It's not a strength thing, it's an endurance problem.  I... get tired.  Oh, though I am going to have to start seeing about the standing feature on my desk.  Get me up, on my feet, for as long as I can handle it, several times a day.  The goal is to be able to stand, pretty much all day.

Now that I have found the right size shoes, and am caring for my feet, it might be... more reasonable.  I just don't know if the goal is attainable.  I am running out of... something.  My mother, she said this is what it was for her, her legs giving out.  That is why she is in the nursing home.  She literally could not stand, sometimes, at all.  She would just lose her legs.

My guess is, too, she would push herself... like someone else.  And would eventually fail.  She couldn't keep up, and tried, kept trying.  Now that she doesn't have to cook, and clean, and do plants, and, and, and... she can rest when and as she needs.  She is doing a bit better.  But, something is... just gone.  She can, and wishes to, still visit her guy, do some tending to him, and his home?  I think, as she can.  And make a meal, or help with it, from time to time... plus eat out too, real not industrial food.

Anyway... my legs, and whole body really, have hit something.  Time is... closing in.  I am hoping I have options, but... I don't know.  When the simple chores, of tending rabbits, becomes a problem.  When standing to shower takes it out of you.  But, it's been doing that for years.  I'm just... not sure... where to go from here?  Spooky.  Or it may just be the last inning of a winter, that keeps dragging on, and punching me in the nose?  And cold, grabbing me like a cat does a mouse, threatening life and all?  Can't get warm, some days.  Not with the furnace jacked, not with several layers of clothing, socks, a jacket, a shower, hot foods and drinks;.. shivering.

Oh well.  A bit of waking, first.  A bit of browsing, then gaming, then to it.  I have the alarm set for about an hour, then will feed Sassy, oh and change her water.  With Sam, it was obvious.  It was so dirty, and she would drink... half a dishpan, a quarter of it anyway, a day.

Oh, I remembered her again, recently.  Odd how it comes back, when you thought you were over it, like an echo.  I swear, since I dreamed of visiting her, she has been... present.  She always went to the bathroom with me.  From way back when I moved in.  After she decided I was good enough.  I... see her, out of the sides of my eyes.  When I look, she is gone.  As well, when I was gaming, she would come, sit at my feet, and just... watch me.  Always watching me.  I more feel, than see, her doing that.  It doesn't terrify.  Oddly, it doesn't pacify, or make me feel better, either.  I miss that stupid cat.  At least I am human enough to cry at loss.  And I am grateful for that.  To miss so dearly is to have loved.  And still love.  Odd how we, instinctively, know death isn't... natural?  I... think so.  

Anyway... on to gaming.  Then, a shower.  I may shave again this morning.  Then dishes.  Then some business before long?  Something like that.  I may just feed Sassy, and reset the timer for an hour and an half, or two, then start work then.  Ah, but breakfast in there too.  Later.

Just a bit more.

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A few more batches of waterers set up, the last one waiting to be filled, I think, but in the 'drink', just... waiting.  Pans, as mentioned, were finished.  All dishes which were soaking have been done.  Most dishes in the house are done, save some old ones which need redone or simply done.

Chores, too, were done.  Sassy was fed, I have eaten.  It was only 38, or so, out there when I did the rabbits.  I didn't have to change all of their waters, oddly.  I did check to make sure they were still flowing.  And they were.  Just needed more food in most of the feeders.

A few little things, here and there.  Not a bad day.  A good start for tomorrow.  So tired it hurts.  I mean right to my heart.  The rest of the body is pretty good.  Or, I mean, doesn't hurt.  I might not be getting a lot done, but I... keep at it.  And gaming between work and sleep as well.

Of course, with my hands still sort of on the mend, I wonder if that is pulling some of my "juice".  I'll bet healing costs a pretty penny to the body.  I know every time I have had a more serious wound, it... takes the poop out of me, as a friend might have said.  And these hands were in serious condition.  Still are.  If a doc looked at them, he'd... probably not be happy I hadn't come in.  But, honestly, I doubt if their curatives would be better.  Just more expensive.  And, often, I have had their curatives set me back.  I don't trust docs, even before I realized they had the intention of just letting me die.  Don't trust them.

Anyway...  A bit more gaming, then on to bed.  I should be ready to head out, do some things, tomorrow.  Good evening, day, and goodnight.  Amen.

Nothing until later...

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But I got to some things.  I filled two thirds of the waterers.  Two batches to go, if counting also what will be brought in.  Then a shower.  I got the trim earlier, because I knew, too much time on my feet isn't possible.  And I really wanted a shave.  So... with just the shower, and a shave, I was able to clean up well.

Now to take a break, then get to chores.  But just an hour.  I really have to get to chores.

Actually?  I had to redo my redo.  I messed up, but getting too far ahead.  There is a way to get in advanced areas, without cheating, hacking, or else.  So... why does that break the quest?  Anyway...  I am about back to where I started, minus that area, though plus the quest that got broken.  So, now, I should be able to go into that area.  It just makes it easier, later.  As well, helps me obtain a few items which really come in handy.

I can't believe their questlines are so easily broken.  Or are they being passively-aggressive about go-getters?  It could be.  Basically, as it is set up, you have to know the game BEFORE you can play it.  That is pretty awful, really, when you think about it.  It just sucks the bones dry, to dust, having to formulate everything, not miss someone, not kill some mob, not go where you shouldn't yet, etc.  Bleh.

But... I am here.  I'll try to keep the quests on track, so I don't have to start over again, again.  And, yes, what the quests offer is important enough to go back.

I am hungry.  Had chia, and sardines, but that isn't cutting it.  Hmm... a salad?  Maybe.  But with something.  Tuna, or... something.  That, a fatted coffee, and... what?  I have celery, carrots, and peanut butter?  Eggs and bacon?  Something.  Gotta have more.  Maybe all of that, through time.  I need to work, with fats, the pans I just finished cleaning.  So, fried eggs would be good with bacon, if a bit later.  I am not ready to be back on my feet.  Yea, a tuna salad, and if that isn't enough, peanut butter and veggies.  Later.

Okay.

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I enjoyed breakfast, and some downtime.  Then gamed.  When the timer went off, after a bit, I got up and to it again.  Dishes.  Mostly done, and dried.  Two pans need more work, so they were reset.  But... should be easy, when next I am at it.  As well, I set the waterers up to be refreshed.  The little ones are in the bucket, and all have had their nipples twisted.  Off, that is.  They are soaking with the little ones.  :p

When next the alarm rings, I'll do waterers, and maybe a shower.  A trim first, shave after?  I need it.  May to a trim now, and add fifteen minutes to the timer, for good behavior.  Then shave right after showering.  Tired, hard tired.  Almost sleepy.  Little energy.  Have to conserve, aim, focus, and hope.  More the latter than the formers.  But it's... working.

The sun had been out, glorious.  But it is gone, now, again.  It is above freezing, just, at 34 to 35 F.  Sometimes the reading is just so, so that neither temp is quite it, if it isn't accurate enough to suggest where, between those it is.  You get what you get.

Back to gaming.  I'm just taking it easy, rebuilding slowly.  When grinding looking for a specific drop gets old, I go find another item or spell, or find camp/portal sites.  It is going much better this time.  And I am avoiding any boss which might complicate questlines, though I couldn't beat most bosses quite yet.  

Now that I know the game mechanic, and what I am looking for, roughly where I am going, and how to get there, the game... at the lower levels... is much easier.  Later on it will still be just as impossible.  I am beginning to wonder, though, if staying lower level is the way to go?  The ratio of difficulty may be better for lower level 'toons.  Well, until you hit certain bosses.  If some, all, of them are better beaten by trickery and treachery than honest gameplay.  They do a poor job with that, and limit content regarding it.  I suppose you have to be rich and famous to be let in on some things?  I am beginning to wonder.

Anyway... back to it.  Later.

Up, and already at it.

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Not sure if I can keep at it.  But life seems... easier.  The sun is shining, that helps after days of gloom.  Still colder, at 24 out there?  March 21st and 24 F outside?  Seems wrong.  A typical winter, otherwise.  But, sometimes it does stretch long, around here.  No mystical magical grobal warbling involved.  It just... does that, always has, always will.

Hair brushed, before and after sleep, and a time or two during the day.  Nothing fancy, just... if you have hair, do some minor maintenance.  With extra protein coming in, my hair is doing... better.  Brushed the teeth.  Some days they get neglected.  My homemade gargle helps.  

Sassy has been fed, and her litter cleared.  What dishes I have a place for, have been put up.  Big jars, more than I have made space for.  I... need to get to my wire rack... it's higher than I am tall, and about as long, with a foot and an half depth.  But... it's... got stuff on it.  Foods, tea, coffees... need to go to the cellar.  Just use it for bottles, pots, and pans going forward?  Or... something like that.

Then I hit the dishes.  They weren't in bad shape, just needed a second run.  Water for breakfast is heating, and breakfast is set up to receive the hot water, when it is ready.  Actually, should be ready, but I am writing.  I'll finish them in about an hour, drying them, and setting them out to finish drying.  Then take a shower, or after a break after that.

Then I have to hit waterers.  Trying to get all this done while still earlier morning.  Not sure when I woke, I think 07:00, give or take ten?  It's just about to hit 08:00.  After the shower, a break, then waterers, then chores.  Hopefully by 10:00, or 11:00.  But, who knows.  Still tired, exhausted.  But it doesn't hurt today, just... no energy.

I'll balm my feet again.  I'll work on the rough spots, again, with the files.  Let them dry.  Then balm them and stick them in socks.  They really are improving.  Have you ever had a job where you were on your feet all day, long days... eight to twelve a day?  My feet look as if they were just as so.  The pedicures helped, then getting them in the right shoes helped in commonly understood, and peculiar, ways.  Probably cutting the water pills also helped.  But, that just got the thick, half inch or more "crust" off.  The skin was starting to come through, but just.  Covered by near barnacles.  From just filing, I was keeping that thick skin at bay, but just.  Now, with this stuff going on, I'm beginning to see skin more than white scaly 'stuff'.  Two or three days of balm care and I can run my hand on mostly skin.  Only a few dry areas, mostly on the sides.

I am still having to treat my hands.  Probably will for a... goodly while.  I well and truly steamed them.  I can feel heat, just not steam, necessarily.  I wonder how many people have damaged themselves with hot coffee and tea, in the mouth region.  If their coffee pot was poorly made, they may also burn their hands.  Now that I know, and am caring for it, even being careful when baking things, they are greatly improving.  Just glad I haven't gotten infected.  That would have been... difficult.  And they were open, mostly.  Probably a quarter of my hand.  Think of where steam would flow if pouring hot water from a pot, or stirring a jar with hot fluids in it.  The first areas it would hit, and all along the knuckles, down to scabs.  Now all skin, if red, a bit dry, and slightly scaly, but improving with each treatment.  Thing is, you can't, unlike feet, keep balm on your hands all day.  Even with a plastic glovers over it.  The hands need to breathe, from time to time.  Still, quite an improvement, in both areas.

Well... on to breakfast, and a bit of gaming.  Then dishes, a shower, waterers, chores, and more dishes.  I'm having to hunt and peck for dishes, now.  And... sort of avoiding counters, but... that... is the next major push.  And, since the mattress/boxspring bags work, getting the spare bedroom clear and getting those bagged and put up.  Bits and areas, and going forward not back, is the key.  A new week, and I'm thinking I'm back.  Later.  

Nothing more.

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Chores.  That was about it.  Didn't even eat again.  Hungry.  I restarted the game, with a new 'toon.  Same type.  The problem is, I messed up a lot of quests by just playing the game.  I'm not even quite sure how.  I didn't kill any of the quest-giving npc's.  But about three, maybe four, questlines are defunct.

On the good side?  I have a much better idea how to do things, what I am looking for, generally where to go and how to get around.  Currently, just opening up the map.  Not even bothering to level.  Just finding rest/port places, places on the map, and items and weapons.

It's a lot less stressful.  If I lose, say, 1k points?  Absolutely no problem.  When I get ready to level, I can probably get 20 levels in five minutes, then be able to get to 50 to 70 in an hour, if I want to level that fast.  As well, I have a pretty good idea how to beat some bosses, and cheese others.

The thing is, the game is built to be cheated.  Straight players, like me, don't have much of a chance.  Oh well.  Still, mostly, I do play it straight.  Though, at this point, if I find a cheat, technically, I may well use it.  Maybe.  Certain bosses which cheat, or are broken.

I am starting to think bosses, and even mobs to a degree, depending on area, scale with my 'toon.  As my character gets stronger, so do the enemies.  Just up to a point.  No, I really don't care for that, especially bosses.  The whole idea of leveling, to my mind, is to become able to beat npc's much easier.  And bosses, too.  I hate when they do things like that.

Anyway, it's about bedtime.  Goodnight.

Not very able.

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So dark.  I'm not sure what the weather is like, temperaturewise, but it looks like we got just a dash of snow, which only stuck on a small strip on the side of the house I looked out upon.  It had all been gone.  Odd.  And, it is dark, somewhat windy... can tell by the sounds the flag makes.

I did make a find Sunday dinner.  The remnants of the pork roast, with veggies.  Nothing fancy, but delicious.  Often I won't have a whole meal.  Just meat, or just veggies... sometimes raw... the veggies that is.  So, when I do the whole deal, it really is a feast day.

I just can't wake well, get going.  So very tired.  Gaming, late, of course.  But that... is just a small part of it.  I've been tired like this for three or four weeks.  Pushed through it for two weeks, began crashing.  Now, gaming is my one way out of it.

I received news, yesterday I think, that a woman I have know since childhood has died.  They are claiming it as covid, but when you keep someone in an induced coma, for over a month?  I'm... calling that medical malpractice.  It is accepted by the government and what passes for law, at this point.  But it is medical murder.  I don't care what is wrong with you, if they keep you in a coma for that long, you are going to die.  They just warehoused her, at probably government expense, for the sole purpose of killing her while milking the system.  Just... that's how I see it.  I'll bet she had every shot available until it pretty much put her down as was.

I'll pray for the family.  And that God... handles those who have done these terrible wrongs.  It doesn't matter if some folk don't understand.  I understand why the elderly cling on.  If the government, and big medical, are as careless, even evil, as I suggest, then they have very little hope.  It will eventually, potentially, just go after them.  And they have nowhere, and no way, to run and hide.  I... get that.  Then again, I couldn't run either.  But, I am younger, and... not so worried about it.  Mostly.  I might even be able to put up some minor self-defense.  Many of the slightly to much older set couldn't do squat.  So, yea... they feel they have to trust, for state of mind, and nerves, if nothing else.

Well, I should try to get a few things going.  Later.  Or... maybe goodnight.

Up.

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And way early, given bedtime.

I finally broke through one of the bosses.  I tried this way, and that, using these, and not, wasting things, using things that didn't work.  But, I did it.  I broke through to an area where I can't even kill normal mobs?  And... this isn't one of the main bosses?  

I was up until 04:30 to do it.  Here I sit, at 09:30, about to sort things out.

I have been keeping up on dishes.  If I do have a pot of dishes in it's final soapy soak, and a pan.  Should be done shortly, and maybe a shower.  Having broken through, there is an area to explore.  I found three checkpoints, which act as well as fast travel spots, which allows me some mobility.

But, as mentioned, the simple mobs are beyond my capacity.  And, I am not sure what to do, what I can do, beyond this point.  My goal was to obtain something from beyond this boss, to get to a different place.  Though, if I remember correctly, that other place was also where the new 'grinding' grounds are... where I can level, hopefully at a much faster pace.  If two runs... three now... will level me, and a run takes only two minutes (rather than five, or closer to ten), then... I might be able to spend an half hour grinding out a few more levels.

To get through, I had to respec, becoming almost a total glass cannon.  Save, I had enough extra points to add some serious health.  However, all the extra tidbits went away.  So my ability to use bows, or some shield, and dexterity which helped slightly with spellcasting(?dubiously?), are gone.  Pretty much just a glass cannon with the ability to take two robust hits, or one and small change from a boss.  Means nothing to some of you, to some of you, you... know?

But, I think I broke my balls getting through.  Is it good to stress the heart, heavily, from time to time, for those with heart failure?  Because that was... an extended stress test.  I passed, if it didn't begin the process of killing me.  Feels heavy, like a spent a night in a smoky bar, and drank a bit too much (if not way too much).  Or, more, how that should feel.  Booze, before medicine, WAS medicine.  And it did, actually, help.  It relaxed everything back to factory reset... for a while.  It's just the side-effects which... could be a problem... the bad behavior that could go with it.

Anyway.  As written.  Up.  Up!, actually.  Nice.  And, will get to things.  Oh, the feet, after one night, are... better.  But the hands dried out a bit, again, overnight.  Though they needed a time off for good behavior.  Can't keep this stuff slathered on 24/7.  24/1 or 24/2, then wash, let heal and dry, then reapply.  With feet?  For a while, I think it will be 24/7.  When I shower, I will clean it all off, then file and polish with various grits of feet cheesers, files, whatever you want to call them.  I have three levels, from takes off tar and pebbles, to sharpens to a near shine.  Until they are staying up more on their own.  Then, just spot treat as needed, wanted.  I want supple feet.  I think I can have it.  For hands, I just want the skin back.  Or... now... more fully back.

Well... Sassy has been fed.  My pee pot has been rinsed and is in a final hot cleaning.  Dishes should be doable before long.  I haven't gotten the water going for breakfast, but will do that while I get Sassy fresh water and clear her litter.  Then some gaming for, during, and after breakfast.  Then... dishes.  But first, to put some away.  I just... have to figure out where to put them.  Ugh.

Life, and gaming, I swear, are trying to conspire to squeeze me to death.  And, if they succeed, I still win, so...  But, I am used to life now.  I will sell it for the right reasons, not sure these are it.  Still, when it's time, it's time.  Better a life spent, like a talent in the bible, than one hidden away.  While it looks like I do the one, I far more spend... even what little I have.  And, I would like to say, for a cripple, it shows.  Amen.