Wrong?

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Mother asked what time I would be going to town.  I told her I wasn't going to town.  If I remembered I actually had hoped to go to town.  Though, in part, I was telling her we would not be going to town?  That and I had forgotten.  I need... want... carbonated water.  While I have finally learned to tolerate, even enjoy, flat water out of the reverse osmosis system, I too quite enjoy carbonated water.  If, even that, finally, I usually prefer it plain.

I needed flavored varieties for the first few years.  I just don't trust how they flavor things, so kept trying to go plain.  I finally could do plain, all of the time, after a lot of effort and self-training my taste buds.  The only reason I don't is there isn't enough easily available.  if I am luck, they have eight twelve packs.  I prefer... more, on hand.  I'd like double that.  So I mix in flavors.  The other option would be to try three or four different stores.  But that is a major difficulty with my body in such poor shape.

A few bachelor thoughts.

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While I am, at least so long as I live in America or should I end up in Europe, a dedicated bachelor, I enjoy feminine interactions.  So, how to do that?  Primarily by choosing which women to speak with very carefully.

Is she too young?  Out of my potential in a real way (if even then I have to be careful), as I see things?  Showing no interest?  Perfect.  That is the type of woman with whom I will converse.  I used to have older women in the queue too.  But realized that was a major mistake.  Old women have zero understanding that they are not being approached for even short term affairs.   Single serving interactions, which end when I leave, is all that is being offered.  I lived and learned.

A bit of a row.

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Mother wanted a trip to town.  To get her nails done.  Sure, I had to get the tires checked.  Do some other business.  So, okay.  I dropped her off at 9:30.  Should only take forty minutes.  I got over to the shop.

The tires were in terrible shape.  She won't be allowed to drive the vehicle anymore.  Serious problems.  New tires.  She tried to gas light me that it was the shop.  No.  Not a shop I have used three times in fifteen years, branded, three tires.  Plus, they just fixed them.  No questions.

Another death.

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A favored cousin, for my part.  Not sure she liked me.  But I am used to that.  Especially from females, certain ones.  I had hoped to see her before she died.  I was pretty sure that wouldn't happen.  No matter, now.  At least, with this one, while I will pray for her soul, and family, I am more secure with her destination, up front.  Still.  Prayers.

She became familiar with me at one of the worst points in my life.  Everything that could go wrong had gone wrong and I shouldn't have yet been living. All while being gaslit by a medical industry hiding vaccine injuries.

Finally awake again.

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Now, I have stirred, from time to time.  Waking to reset blankets, make my position more comfortable, adjust blankets on my lower body for warmth or upper body to cool, or just because it was time to be awake.  A sound, thought, reason I did or didn't know.  I wake often.  Usually.  Sometimes I can sleep for literal days without remembering having awaken once.  Other times, usually, I can wake a dozen times while only sleeping a few hours.

Tonight, today by your count, was more typical.  A long sleep, but awake many times.  On the good side, with BP meds finally in the mix, I do feel rested.  With kidneys at ~10%-13%?  I am a bit weary most of the time.  Just... better than when they weren't treating, or properly treating, bp, kidneys, or diabetes.  With those pretty much under control, within my (not their harmful) specs, rest and sleep, if greatly more needed, do their part for improving wakefulness while I can be awake.

She asked why.

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Some she from my past.  In my mind.  In a dream state.  I am... pretty sure which "she".   And, really?  She should know why. 

She had reason to become famous friends, in their own ways, for their own parts, with a Mennonite couple, who had been Amish?  Or, some such.  Oh, nothing... notorious.  Some stories are... good stories, if with hard surrounds. Kindness does occur if perfection is rare though too?  But this was a good samaritan thing, in the truer sense.

I... thought so.

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The temp did drop the three degrees I suspected it would.  Then held there, dropping no more.  Satisfied, though, that my observations helped produce a better analysis than their forecast.  Not that it always will, just that it seems to usually do so.  A 49 degree morning is just a bit finer than a 52 degree morning, or this one.  To me. 

Mother made corn on the cob and had stuff for a BLT sandwich.  I did the corn, but ate the last of the rice instead of the BLT.  Rice sounded softer on my oddly virtually wounded body.  It worked.  Though I think the BLT would have been fine.  Meh.  Too full to eat more, somewhat sadly.

Interesting.

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it is 52 outside.  It was 53 at midnight.  Now, that is what was forecast.  But, usually, it gets cooler through the night.  Almost always dropping three to five degrees in the final hours of dark.  So I expected to see an early plunge into the upper to even lower forties.  There is still time.

Time to wake, see if I could put a meal together.  Tired of beams.  Eggs and toast?  Keto bread can work.  Mom brought home something different.  I am reluctant to try new things, especially her choices.  She just goes with cheap, often.  And, failing that, she isn't good at doing carb to (right) fat to fiber assessments.  Like so many hippie types, she believes the print without knowing to look any deeper.  And, really, she doesn't care.

Cooling fast.

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It is down to 53 outside.  A degree cooler than predicted, if that's not a terrible miss.  With a stronger fan going, and windows open, it's 70 up here.  I am still kicking out heat like a cast iron wood burning oven.  Now that the feet and legs are warmed, I am pushing out serious heat.  Otherwise it would be much cooler up here.  And that is with no food for about twenty four hours.  Odd how my body can do that.

Feeling better.  I yet have a few aches in my torso, if much milder.  I did take painkillers.  Just otc sort, if as strong as they make them.

Healing?

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Definitely feel a bit better.  As well, I was able to warm my feet.  However, now my torso and melon are overheated.  A trade I am gladly willing to take.  Freezing calfs on down is in the wretched category.  Overheating is merely a milder misery.  Well, as I account these things. 

Sleep was good.  Will be again.  I woke, thinking I needed a water closet run.  Not so much, just pain from the dream wounds, again.  As mentioned, healing seems to be happening.  Even if there are no actual wouns, or exactly as dreamed, there is something wrong.  A spasm, from a serious flinch, from the dream wounds?  I can't say.

A dream or a fan?

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Or a bit of both?

Three bullets, from a rifle, not a pistol.  Medium to shorter range.  From behind.  In a fairly small cluster, all within two inches anyway, three.  One coming out just a couple inches below and to the right of my belly button, to give you an idea about placement.  The rest lower.

If I was to advise a daughter?

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I think there might yet be hope.  For some of the young.  Boys were, are, and will be boys.  They haven't, aren't, and won't change.  Better, they have learned, to walk than accept an impossible leash... most of them.  Girls are the trouble.

My advice would be to find a man who isn't afraid to work, fight, or fuck.  Figure out how to be in his sphere.  Learn him, what he likes, wants, and where he wants to go, what he wants to do, who and what he wants to be.  then decide if that matches your plans and goals.  Not someday, not hypothetically.  Today, or thereabouts.

So strange.

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Cold?  Yes and no.  Inside, outside, upper body versus legs and feet.  It is forty eight outside.  Supposed to drop to thirty eight through the night.  Seventy up here, tonight, with windows open and one of the fans going.  Just about perfect, to my general tastes.

However, my feet are freezing.  Nothing I have done seems to fix that.  Extra blankets, wrapping them, massaging them, else.  My torso is good.  Warm, comfortable, a little warmer than usual, if that is comfortable.  But, my head is cooking.  Not a fever, just kicking out heat like a chimney.

Still so very tired.

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I was able to get mother to town yesterday.  It about killed me.  Being up during the day bright, out on the hottest day for some time, still needing sleep.  Desperate for sleep, as I have been for months now.  But, I... knew she really needed to get out.  So I pushed out of my temporary grave.

Sleep and rest, rest and sleep.  Down for one or the other most of the time.  Only awake, full up, a few hours here and there, for a few to six, rarely eight hours at a time.  I try for daily up times, but can't always do that.

Still sleeping a lot.

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But better, mostly.  After eating, a bit of bloat.  Rice, beans, and cheese.  A few spices, including my hot mix.  A fatted coffee and two cans of plain carbonated water.  Hmm, while the beans and cheese might have added to it, I suspect it was the water.  I drank it a bit fast, after a few days of mostly fasting.

For a short bit, I couldn't tell if the pain was from internals or something else.  After exploring what increased and decreased the pain, I realized it was a bloat stitch in my mainly right side.  Good to know.

Better, mostly.

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My innards are less painful.  I checked blood sugar.  It was 103.  Not absolutely superior, but having had a large portion of beans before bed, better than feared.  Still sleeping a lot.  Still getting over the loss of Sassy.  Stupid cat.  She is at rest, not suffering.  Good things.

I made more rice today.  It won't last.  Though this time I will set some aside.  Not to be mixed with other stuff.  Rice pudding, with raw cream, cinnamon, and allulose, hot or cold, is easy enough for me to eat.  Sometimes not much else sounds good.

When the shadow government is defunded...

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Watching strange things happening.  In the US and abroad.  The death of rap music?  The end of second home condos?  Germans actually getting real elections.  The death of (woke) comics, Hollywood, even academia?

Amazing how much fraud was supporting fake things, here and there.  Not that it has fully stopped.  Trump pulled doge away far before it had even really more than started.  Too many politicians of every stripe depends on the fraud, grift, and else.  Both personally and financially, as well as politically.  It's how they stay in office as much as how they get richer.

Another chuckle worthy notion.

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I saw the proposition posted somewhere.  How long would it take the Punisher to catch Dexter.  First a grin.  Then a chuckle.  And, at least on the inside, for the initiation moments, a mirthful roar.

He... can't find Dexter.  We ARE Dexter.

A difficult day.

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Had planned to get to town today.  But my internals are bad.  Bruised, dented, dinged, or something.  Through with a heavy headache and exhaustion.  Mother is never happy about changes.  I texted her rather than trying to argue with her.  At least I didn't just ghost her.  It's been a while since internals were the issue, or even an issue.  I have to watch my food intake closely, see if the particular carbs I am trying are just too hard on my fragile system.  Beans in particular, or the volume of carbs. 

Nearing ten thirty but there is no way I can get up, showered, and get out.  Way too rough today.

A cold one.

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Not... that kind.  Must admit, beer has been on my mind.  But, after Bud cut it's own throat, I decided big business, and bad business, should just be avoided.  No alcohol, no tobacco, no cars, no women.  There is mother, but I was pretty sure how that was going to end.  If, too, I realized it would be possible to get her ready to be in her own apartment.  If... that was possible.

Yes.  I really did have this sort of planned.  I suspected long term wouldn't work, but too, I knew she wasn't ready to live solo.  She is now, or as well as she can be.  I did what I could do for her.  Before you judge, understand, I didn't want company.  I am busy dying.  Fiddling with someone in my dying place is... uncomfortable.  I gave what I could, for as long as I was able.