I knew some, not all.

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Even as I child, I knew I was... different.  What does that even mean?  Isn't everybody different?  There is different and there is different.  The difference is scale.  Alone, as is, they seem the same, as do the words.  To the human mind, a million, a billion, a trillion, and more... all, if seen visually, seem the same.  This is the flaw that allows me to seem simply... different.  The magnitude is imperceptible to the human mind.  It perceives, understands, even notes the various areas.  It simply cannot see the magnitude.

I am not the only one.  In some ways, I am far from special.  That I have, in a way, in common with everyone else.  Is a Macintosh more valuable than a Fugi?  It honestly depends on what is being grown in any area, how close that is, perhaps tribal, legal, political, and other limits or involvements, and belief systems.  Yet there is a truth.  Only one.  If someone is known and loved by God, I think that is who would be of greater worth, though that is not something easily seen here.  It might be seen through a man, fruits and all, but it won't necessarily be... supported, condoned, or rewarded here on earth.  Certainly not by those with power.  So, for ultimate valuation, I leave that with God.  It does concern me, mind you.  Especially in these times, when churches are not able to be trusted.  A complication.  The faith I have is good, true I believe.  Simply not the men who seem to be running the institution that is supposed to be supporting the faith.


I, even as a child, believed my concerns started with her... mother.  While her ways and actions certainly ensured some things, enhanced others, and did or nearly closed the doors on yet other truths and realities, I realize now that... she too was different.  As well, on a larger scale.  Not so large as her son, but... enough.  I've met the woman.  She has much guilt, and should since she refuses to deal with it.  That is not condemnation, only fact.  If you are wounded, and seek no healing, you will linger in pain.  Seeing that and saying so isn't a damnation.  Will it lead to damnation?  Only if I am correct.

While I have understood life, and more, since being young, I have also realized that I can't really know it all.  I believe, a few times in my life, all was clear.  Anything I might have wanted to know was open to me.  And I sought.  But neither was it ever enough, nor did the knowledge last.  Fleeting, as love.  At least for me.  Beyond knowledge, was wisdom.  I could... not escape sin.  I couldn't escape being foolish, ignorant, or any of the various vices of men.  In some ways, I never wanted to escape, no matter how desperate the impulse.  Not even the shame I knew from knowing sin of my own or others could push me past the want.  If this has been settled to a better conclusion, and I work not to sin.  If even just knowing sin, especially while in the act, is actually even now difficult.

I do not believe I could truly find hope until I realized how harshly it was needed.  Hope being the first of the three, leading to faith, then charity... vicariously love, the others could not be known until hope was found.  Hope is the candle remaining when all other lights have gone out.  It can be kindled from naught but will.  It was, for some time, all I had.  I would like to believe that isn't still the truth.  Though I have concerns.  How to fix that though?  Guidance is missing.  What exists cannot well be trusted.

I had considered other options.  As with Two-face, I realized something.  One side of the coin must be weighted.  If he chose the face, I chose the obverse.  Though, more, I realized I, generally, nor any other, is fit to make many calls.  Let other men do, and fail or succeed.  Just keep others from impeding or assisting in ways that unbalance things.  Yeah, I know.  Governments, corporations, central banks, and many others have their thumbs... fat asses... on the scale.  That will handle itself.  Just, for those who are true?  Defend yourself.  What they are stealing will kill them.  I guess see to your needs and don't worry about the big numbers.  Much of that is fiction at this point.  If you feel owed hundreds of thousands or millions of dollars?  Most likely... well... do as you please.  Chasing that, in this environment of fear, will get you nothing good.  More like conversations I have had with myself, still...  Much has been learned since, mind you, if a dog is always yet a dog, and a cat a cat.  A dog can be taught to not chase and a cat to not flee... sometimes.

Even being different, and I had begun to think damned by my nature, I now believe otherwise.  Still, it's been a difficult dark road.  Stories?  Perhaps.  As true as I can write and show them.  It's still a hell of a puzzle.  What does being different even mean, now?  Did it ever mean anything at all?  Did most of the brilliant, or damned, or graced, or... did any man make much of a difference?  How many men squandered their gifts.  Given Einstein, was that not better in some cases?  As I struggle through the various tasks, and stretch into the dark corners, my mind goes to places I tend to otherwise avoid.  Not for my sake.  Those are home.  But because many don't, perhaps can't, or at least won't, try to understand.  It is where I am, and I write, so I write of it.