Hatred.

.

.

Not mine.  Felt, sensed, like a punch in the gut.  Absolute hatred.

I have never felt that from someone I have never met before.  Several of them, I think.  But mainly from one man.  A district deputy, for the Knights of Columbus.  Since no one reads here, I write it.  Or... phonetically, as I understood it.  Just to try to let it go... Andy Beck.

I don't think I have ever seen him.  I haven't met him anywhere, seen him, had any involvement with him.  But he sure knows, and absolutely hates, me.

I wondered if I was just... imagining that.  Or... mistaken.  So, when the meeting was finished, I specifically went to him, shook his hand, spoke to him very shortly.  Oh, my Lord, the absolute hatred that man bears for me was tangible.  No, no mistake.  I even gave him a chance to dim it, or... lessen it.  Nope.  He just poured it on.

To that end, I am quitting KoC.  If that is what the district deputy thinks of me, I can... only imagine what the others, even in my own group, think of me.  They just aren't as cocksure as he is.  He... has a very powerful God complex.  That was obvious.  Was he sitting, right behind me, hoping I would die and go to hell?  Or heaven.  Not sure a man with that level of hatred wants people to go to his hell.  It... truly felt like that.

I'm asking around.  If this is how the whole church feels towards me, I will go.  If it is the whole of the church?  I'll stop going.  No.  Won't be looking for some other faith.  It wouldn't be the faith that has failed.  It would be some, or many, who proclaim to hold it.

Wow.  My ears are ringing like they haven't in years.  Breaking out into a sweat.  I wrote the local grand knight, and one of the other knights contacted me so I let him know what was going on.  There isn't a recovery from this, but... at least they will know, without doubts, what is happening.  Wow.

I have liked that people have hated me, at times.  Sometimes, rightly, sometimes wrongly.  But... that was before I tried to know God.

Not this time, or anymore.  That just isn't what God is about.  Wow.  I... am going to pray for his very soul.  If he dies before confessing that, he will surely be in hell.  If God can forgive me, if he lets go and confesses, God can forgive this.  It's... too big for me to deal with.  I'm... praying for me too... just for being so close to that level of evil.

I wish I could say I was virtuous, and that the hatred is from that.  But it's not.  I'm... not good enough to be hated for that.  I'd... love it.  If it were.  I try, feebly as that is.  No, it isn't for my virtues.  The depth of it?  The absoluteness, though?  I just...  Trying to come down from that dark high.  Absolute hatred.