.
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The problem? Finding women who will fit a simple formula. And, yes, it has to fit. She needs to be able and willing to marry in the Catholic Church, she has to be able to have children and be completely open to that, and she has to be willing to be a stay-at-home mom. That is a rather short list, a rather constraining one as well. Oh, sure, I can meet women. I have met women. There are women available to me right now, though probably not for marriage. And there are thousands of women all around, some of them worthy of a strong pursuit. But with the huge lopsided random variables that I would need to but won't be setting aside.
A quick review of suggested places to meet women comes up with the same things I used to use. Bars were not a good place to find a woman, for a number of reasons. The other places, such as grocery stores, sporting events, and such offer some chance of an encounter, but a completely random encounter... one based on appearances, mutual interest, the very things I am needing to get away from to a degree. While those are great if you are willing to completely adjust your goals, or simply free-style the thing, this is where my mechanical hang-up is.
The suggestion that comes up the most, as the most reliable, is through building contacts. Well, yes. That is what I am doing, as poorly as I do it. This method takes the most time, being relatively new to a new area. I think, absolutely, this is probably the most likely scenario. It isn't perfect, it isn't what my nature likes, but to get from the point a of bachelorhood to point b of being married as I have described, it is probably the only way. Now, I am trying to become involved anyway. So that isn't as big of a strain as it might have been, say, ten years ago. I live in a place where society is sane enough to contemplate taking part in it. And, while I would like to do more, sometimes I just won't be able to be involved. But, that is going forward.
No, this isn't going to be just running down to the store and buying a loaf of bread. That never worked for me anyway. It may, in truth, never happen. I might be deemed as unfit, and reasonably arguably that might be true. The women who are presented, if such a thing happens, may not be interested. I may not be interested. I really should have figured this out years ago. I simply didn't have a working model, a faith, nor did I see, being mostly secular, what the payoff would be. Heck, I still argue that a secular man probably shouldn't commit to marriage. There simply is no need and a lot of reasons against it. I might even go so far as to say that if you are a Christian man, weighing all things, at this time in history, marriage might best be abandoned. As if that isn't happening anyway. For many. Why I am called to it, and seriously looking into it... is a personal thing. A literal calling. For many mistaken men, it is a repetition of what they saw their parents do, or even what happens in the movies. Ser-us-ly. A behavior based on laws and social notions that are no longer in play. Bah! Something like that. Still, given my marching orders, despite my uneasiness, that is my plan.
It actually looks like I am doing, as ably as I can, the right things. I am casting my nets in the correct waters, or at least I have found the right waters. I am focusing myself on my past and present in order to produce a better future. I am even thinking about any possible Mrs., and tending to her real needs, before having met her. I will be her guardian, that needs to start, albeit reasonably, beforehand. I can't treat a woman as a lump of pleasurable flesh in my mind or during our initial dustup only to later come to be protective. Trust me, that doesn't work. It might work for some, but I see that as the incorrect way. There are little strands of things I am seeing, things that work, things that don't work, things that are neutral, and how they need to be twined together, not just... something... Sort of like playing a piano using several fingers and both hands rather than pecking at the keyboard with one finger. Much better music is produced when fully engaged. Yeah, I'm... doing okay.
Well, and actually, I am now in a place, an area of the country, where marriage is still held as valid, where wives are lauded for being heart and hearth of the home, and where mothers are honored and respected. I have a home. I've been moving this way for a long time, come to think of it. I suppose I should just relax a bit and enjoy the journey too. It's been a long one. A good one. God sort of sneaks good things up on you when you are trying to do His will. Even if you can't always see it or grow impatient. Something about forests and trees perhaps.
Good day.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
When you can't sleep or stay awake...
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The mind wanders when left to it's own devices. And, like the thing with the tongue going over the tooth that hurts, the mind finds what is troubling and... digs in. All good. The "revert to draft" button fixes a fixated mind. Although, in writing, I did see the immature nature of my life. Yes. That want of freedom, a freedom that as a bachelor I know doesn't really exist. It is sort of the difference between freedom of and freedom from religion. It can be difficult to see at certain angles but it is certainly there.
I ended up finally getting to bed around 9:00 or 10:00 or maybe even 11:00. I was so bombed when I went to bed at 8:30 and yet I simply could not sleep until a good deal later. I'll be working on that. Though, for the moment, I am sort of driven by health? I did push this weekend, and my body pushed back, most likely. All good, I did some good work. I stood up and tried to at least show some support for what I say I believe. It was, comparatively, rather weak. But it was everything I had and then some, by the feel of things.
Bones and body are on the mend. Actually, now, the only real pain I have is from sleeping so awfully. The legs and back are still a bit stiff, not painful. I am hoping to roust around tomorrow and get back to shoveling. I am hoping to stretch the digging up to a half hour, though I won't promise that. Even today I may get nothing done, as was the case yesterday. My goals failed to be fulfilled. I hope to do more. As I hoped yesterday. As I hope tomorrow.
Did anyone else hear that Eduardo Saverin, co-founder of Facebook, had denounced his US citizenship? Oh, some people are jumping mad about it. To be honest I am not. If I was about to come into a ton of money like that I would be on the first boat off this shipwreck, or definitely considering it. How much has he already paid, and to what ends, what thanks? One must realize there are... problems with renouncing US citizenship. He may well learn that. Money can be a comfort, and great money can permit access, freedoms, possibilities. It can also become an anchor in an angry see of hungry people, greedy people and governments everywhere, and lots of mischief. Then again, isn't that why he is ending his US citizenship. Be angry all you want, I can't say I blame him, at all. His family left their home nation because of kidnapping threats, he is leaving this nation because of direct threats to his wealth (HIS WEALTH). Oh, and leave California even if you can't quite leave the US. Stop giving in to stupid, economically suicidal, politics and policies. Just quit feeding the machine that turns your money into mulch, and doubles down by printing more money reducing the worth of your wealth further and on top of it! He is not denouncing the US as a nation, he is denouncing the current US theft of his money. Yikes.
All good. Have a good day.
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The mind wanders when left to it's own devices. And, like the thing with the tongue going over the tooth that hurts, the mind finds what is troubling and... digs in. All good. The "revert to draft" button fixes a fixated mind. Although, in writing, I did see the immature nature of my life. Yes. That want of freedom, a freedom that as a bachelor I know doesn't really exist. It is sort of the difference between freedom of and freedom from religion. It can be difficult to see at certain angles but it is certainly there.
I ended up finally getting to bed around 9:00 or 10:00 or maybe even 11:00. I was so bombed when I went to bed at 8:30 and yet I simply could not sleep until a good deal later. I'll be working on that. Though, for the moment, I am sort of driven by health? I did push this weekend, and my body pushed back, most likely. All good, I did some good work. I stood up and tried to at least show some support for what I say I believe. It was, comparatively, rather weak. But it was everything I had and then some, by the feel of things.
Bones and body are on the mend. Actually, now, the only real pain I have is from sleeping so awfully. The legs and back are still a bit stiff, not painful. I am hoping to roust around tomorrow and get back to shoveling. I am hoping to stretch the digging up to a half hour, though I won't promise that. Even today I may get nothing done, as was the case yesterday. My goals failed to be fulfilled. I hope to do more. As I hoped yesterday. As I hope tomorrow.
Did anyone else hear that Eduardo Saverin, co-founder of Facebook, had denounced his US citizenship? Oh, some people are jumping mad about it. To be honest I am not. If I was about to come into a ton of money like that I would be on the first boat off this shipwreck, or definitely considering it. How much has he already paid, and to what ends, what thanks? One must realize there are... problems with renouncing US citizenship. He may well learn that. Money can be a comfort, and great money can permit access, freedoms, possibilities. It can also become an anchor in an angry see of hungry people, greedy people and governments everywhere, and lots of mischief. Then again, isn't that why he is ending his US citizenship. Be angry all you want, I can't say I blame him, at all. His family left their home nation because of kidnapping threats, he is leaving this nation because of direct threats to his wealth (HIS WEALTH). Oh, and leave California even if you can't quite leave the US. Stop giving in to stupid, economically suicidal, politics and policies. Just quit feeding the machine that turns your money into mulch, and doubles down by printing more money reducing the worth of your wealth further and on top of it! He is not denouncing the US as a nation, he is denouncing the current US theft of his money. Yikes.
All good. Have a good day.
Monday, May 14, 2012
B.S. testing and analysis.
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Oh, not b.s. as in bachelor of science, by the way.
Sitting here thinking about recent events, discussions, posts written, and life in general, I blushed about some of the things I have stated. Some of it because it was true and might ought to have not been expressed, or at least in the way it was communicated. Sometimes because I question the, urhm, absolute validity of the material as expressed. Oh, you... didn't notice? Hushemup.
Now, I know, I am not the only man on the planet who does any of that, and more as that just covers some of the bragging, stretching, and even outright fabrication that can go on. My deal is that I express things more often than most guys. I talk and write a goodly deal. So, that nature of man ends up being... rather well covered here. I don't mind. Put two hunters or fishermen in the same room for a bit, if you want to ramp it up add in a six pack of beer and... you will hear some amazing stories. Some of what was hunted or caught, if... not officially recorded. And some of what got away or was released or allowed to live out of the goodness of a man's heart. *grins*
First thing, while the story telling can end up with a heaping helping of b.s., it usually isn't based on whole cloth. True, a fisherman probably never caught a 30 pound German Brown, or took an 18 point buck. It could be, but it might just be a stretch. The thing is the man probably did catch a large fish or hunted a rather goodly sized buck. There usually is something to the smoke, sometimes even the truth.
Another issue is that, while a man might have done those things exactly or thereabouts, it doesn't mean he would necessarily run right out and do those things again. If he said he fought four guys and won, and even if he did, it doesn't mean he wants to go out and relive the "glory". At the time he was simply trying to survive, literally if what he is saying is true. That part... doesn't always make the editor's cut. Same goes for dealing with women. The more women you have been involved with, should you try to come clean in life, the more difficult it is to deal with even one woman. It's easy to... revert to bad habits, regarding women.
The other thing I noticed is that, when people realize you are indeed what you are, they wonder why you don't act like you did. If he is such a womanizer, and catcher of women, why does he just... sit there? If he is such a fighter, why isn't he out looking for trouble. I covered the why, this is more about social expectation. Some guys live vicariously off the backs of wretches. I have been a wretch, of sorts, if just as often accidentally or incidentally. I don't wish to continue being so. I will say this though, if you see me in such a situation, you probably will realize that my stories aren't all stretch and no truth. You might even realize that my stretching is rather light, when it does occur. Still, that isn't to say I don't say things in a rude or direct way. And I might stretch a tad on this or that. But mostly, if I stretch, it is to make it look like what I did I absolutely meant to do and had no fear while doing it, or such.
On another subject, reading a blog about alphas, I noticed that the "code of alpha" was to remain calm. To back things off or up if the wrong tone is presented. Now, while I seemingly do that, and very well, on the inside? No, I might be shaking in my boots, I just don't (apparently) seem to show it. That does keep things in my court. Despite, in truth, often having no idea what something "being in my court" means or how to use it. I just muddle through. I can buy time with a stone cold face, that doesn't mean I know what to do. Which does make me question whether I am alpha or just a look-alike through trial and error, or even, like wise men who are said to be wise merely by not saying anything... I just get a rap for an absence of presence?
I realize that my size is part of why I try not to express feelings visually. When someone my size even scrunches his face a bit... I've seen women cry at a slight facial expression of disapproval. *grins* I sort of have to be careful. Oh, when I am truly angry, people duck. Unless they were intending to fight anyway, though a good grimace has changed minds. I wonder how much size has to deal with the perception of being alpha? I am enough outside of the normal size to be considered different, size wise. Not just big, but huge, really. If not quite, or just barely depending on your thoughts, a giant.
So, there you go. I have no idea if any of it is true, but that's my take. More questions than answers, but that is what I do.
The aspirin has helped a great deal. I don't hurt nearly as much, if stiffness remains. A bit more goofing then on to a bit of work. Laundry, cleaning the toilets, and setting up the extra bed is all I have planned. If I can do more I will. Maybe being awake yesterday might help me get back to a day schedule. I will try to get to bed earlier, too, if at all possible. Supper arrived today and took me a bit by surprise. I, somehow, was thinking it was still Sunday and I had just gotten supper. Working during a normal sleep schedule really makes things fuzzy sometimes. Too funny. Later.
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Oh, not b.s. as in bachelor of science, by the way.
Sitting here thinking about recent events, discussions, posts written, and life in general, I blushed about some of the things I have stated. Some of it because it was true and might ought to have not been expressed, or at least in the way it was communicated. Sometimes because I question the, urhm, absolute validity of the material as expressed. Oh, you... didn't notice? Hushemup.
Now, I know, I am not the only man on the planet who does any of that, and more as that just covers some of the bragging, stretching, and even outright fabrication that can go on. My deal is that I express things more often than most guys. I talk and write a goodly deal. So, that nature of man ends up being... rather well covered here. I don't mind. Put two hunters or fishermen in the same room for a bit, if you want to ramp it up add in a six pack of beer and... you will hear some amazing stories. Some of what was hunted or caught, if... not officially recorded. And some of what got away or was released or allowed to live out of the goodness of a man's heart. *grins*
First thing, while the story telling can end up with a heaping helping of b.s., it usually isn't based on whole cloth. True, a fisherman probably never caught a 30 pound German Brown, or took an 18 point buck. It could be, but it might just be a stretch. The thing is the man probably did catch a large fish or hunted a rather goodly sized buck. There usually is something to the smoke, sometimes even the truth.
Another issue is that, while a man might have done those things exactly or thereabouts, it doesn't mean he would necessarily run right out and do those things again. If he said he fought four guys and won, and even if he did, it doesn't mean he wants to go out and relive the "glory". At the time he was simply trying to survive, literally if what he is saying is true. That part... doesn't always make the editor's cut. Same goes for dealing with women. The more women you have been involved with, should you try to come clean in life, the more difficult it is to deal with even one woman. It's easy to... revert to bad habits, regarding women.
The other thing I noticed is that, when people realize you are indeed what you are, they wonder why you don't act like you did. If he is such a womanizer, and catcher of women, why does he just... sit there? If he is such a fighter, why isn't he out looking for trouble. I covered the why, this is more about social expectation. Some guys live vicariously off the backs of wretches. I have been a wretch, of sorts, if just as often accidentally or incidentally. I don't wish to continue being so. I will say this though, if you see me in such a situation, you probably will realize that my stories aren't all stretch and no truth. You might even realize that my stretching is rather light, when it does occur. Still, that isn't to say I don't say things in a rude or direct way. And I might stretch a tad on this or that. But mostly, if I stretch, it is to make it look like what I did I absolutely meant to do and had no fear while doing it, or such.
On another subject, reading a blog about alphas, I noticed that the "code of alpha" was to remain calm. To back things off or up if the wrong tone is presented. Now, while I seemingly do that, and very well, on the inside? No, I might be shaking in my boots, I just don't (apparently) seem to show it. That does keep things in my court. Despite, in truth, often having no idea what something "being in my court" means or how to use it. I just muddle through. I can buy time with a stone cold face, that doesn't mean I know what to do. Which does make me question whether I am alpha or just a look-alike through trial and error, or even, like wise men who are said to be wise merely by not saying anything... I just get a rap for an absence of presence?
I realize that my size is part of why I try not to express feelings visually. When someone my size even scrunches his face a bit... I've seen women cry at a slight facial expression of disapproval. *grins* I sort of have to be careful. Oh, when I am truly angry, people duck. Unless they were intending to fight anyway, though a good grimace has changed minds. I wonder how much size has to deal with the perception of being alpha? I am enough outside of the normal size to be considered different, size wise. Not just big, but huge, really. If not quite, or just barely depending on your thoughts, a giant.
So, there you go. I have no idea if any of it is true, but that's my take. More questions than answers, but that is what I do.
The aspirin has helped a great deal. I don't hurt nearly as much, if stiffness remains. A bit more goofing then on to a bit of work. Laundry, cleaning the toilets, and setting up the extra bed is all I have planned. If I can do more I will. Maybe being awake yesterday might help me get back to a day schedule. I will try to get to bed earlier, too, if at all possible. Supper arrived today and took me a bit by surprise. I, somehow, was thinking it was still Sunday and I had just gotten supper. Working during a normal sleep schedule really makes things fuzzy sometimes. Too funny. Later.
Nice "nap"!
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Then again, there wasn't really a choice. After I woke a bit more I realized that I truly did hurt. The back, from standing, wasn't too bad, by itself. The legs, from picking and shoveling, weren't horrible. And my arms weren't too bad, from the jarring. But toss in that I worked well out of my usual time to be awake, the aches and pains, and maybe just a bit of "just because" and I went down like a sack of potatoes. I'm not sure when I finally went back to bed, I did resist (probably took a penalty for resisting too). It just hit 18:00 and I am just getting up. Another dose of Anacin, my meds, a bit of food in my face, and... I'll just have to see about today. I won't do any pick work but I might be able to get some other things in. Finishing off the laundry would be a good mostly off my feet job. Perhaps organizing the last of my move out of my main bedroom, getting the other bed set up. Yes, mother, I know that was already... I know I told you before... Well, it isn't done.
My hope is, come shine or rain, regardless of how much sleep I get, and despite this, that, and the other thing, is to do a bit of work every single day save Sunday. I will take Sunday off, if at all possible, if I can get on a roll. I don't care what work I do as long as I get an half hour in at least. If I can do more, great. If I can get to the heavier stuff, even better. Though, as I said, the little stuff is probably more difficult. Sorting, storing, deciding on inane little things. Much of modern life has allowed even bachelors to have sewing kits, requires much paperwork for even someone who isn't required to file taxes, and such. And, I am not the best at dealing with where all that is supposed to go. If I put it up the chances of finding it again is slim. (Chances, when discussing one set of them... I have always used "is", not "are", right?) Anyway.
Oh, I could finally clean the toilets too. No dishes. Even with the painkillers I just don't want to test that. I still am not sure how much I can push, how much of what I am is sloth, whether I truly am lazy or sick. I may never know. But as summer approaches I know that I can, seemingly, do more. I become less lazy, or more able. While, true, it isn't quite here yet, I find myself in a position to prep for it. Who knows what I can get done this year, even without my mother here to... help guide. I am hoping to have some improvements done, have things a bit better for her if possible cleaning wise, sort of to impress her. As well, so she will feel more at ease taking a break and going on a mini-vacation while she is here. If there is work to be done she doesn't feel like vacationing. It bugs her mind.
So... I need to figure out jobs for low days and jobs for high days. I need to sort both types of jobs into some kind of schedule. I probably shouldn't shovel every day, quite yet anyway, if I might try to increase my time at shoveling to an half hour. One of my jobs is going to require some serious standing time, too... getting the wallpaper off the wall. Five to seven layers of it off concrete will take some doing. As for the drywall? That may just need to be replaced. I am not sure if that is a starter job, though. However, if I can show my mother that I am truly working on getting the paper off she might be able to stick with just helping me keep on target with redoing the kitchen floor this year. Negotiate, friends... Give a little, ask a little, prove your point, walk the walk, as you are able.
Youch... I keep stretching to try and get things... back into kilter. I know I am not the only one who does this. Like when you have a sore tooth and you keep checking it with your tongue. Just to make sure? I dunno, but it seems to be a common human thing. Every half hour or so I twist my back, just to check, then mess with my legs. Yep, still sore! Heh. It probably helps, at least the stretching part. The tooth thing? I think we just think we deserve to hurt or something. Masochists! :p
Good day.
.
Then again, there wasn't really a choice. After I woke a bit more I realized that I truly did hurt. The back, from standing, wasn't too bad, by itself. The legs, from picking and shoveling, weren't horrible. And my arms weren't too bad, from the jarring. But toss in that I worked well out of my usual time to be awake, the aches and pains, and maybe just a bit of "just because" and I went down like a sack of potatoes. I'm not sure when I finally went back to bed, I did resist (probably took a penalty for resisting too). It just hit 18:00 and I am just getting up. Another dose of Anacin, my meds, a bit of food in my face, and... I'll just have to see about today. I won't do any pick work but I might be able to get some other things in. Finishing off the laundry would be a good mostly off my feet job. Perhaps organizing the last of my move out of my main bedroom, getting the other bed set up. Yes, mother, I know that was already... I know I told you before... Well, it isn't done.
My hope is, come shine or rain, regardless of how much sleep I get, and despite this, that, and the other thing, is to do a bit of work every single day save Sunday. I will take Sunday off, if at all possible, if I can get on a roll. I don't care what work I do as long as I get an half hour in at least. If I can do more, great. If I can get to the heavier stuff, even better. Though, as I said, the little stuff is probably more difficult. Sorting, storing, deciding on inane little things. Much of modern life has allowed even bachelors to have sewing kits, requires much paperwork for even someone who isn't required to file taxes, and such. And, I am not the best at dealing with where all that is supposed to go. If I put it up the chances of finding it again is slim. (Chances, when discussing one set of them... I have always used "is", not "are", right?) Anyway.
Oh, I could finally clean the toilets too. No dishes. Even with the painkillers I just don't want to test that. I still am not sure how much I can push, how much of what I am is sloth, whether I truly am lazy or sick. I may never know. But as summer approaches I know that I can, seemingly, do more. I become less lazy, or more able. While, true, it isn't quite here yet, I find myself in a position to prep for it. Who knows what I can get done this year, even without my mother here to... help guide. I am hoping to have some improvements done, have things a bit better for her if possible cleaning wise, sort of to impress her. As well, so she will feel more at ease taking a break and going on a mini-vacation while she is here. If there is work to be done she doesn't feel like vacationing. It bugs her mind.
So... I need to figure out jobs for low days and jobs for high days. I need to sort both types of jobs into some kind of schedule. I probably shouldn't shovel every day, quite yet anyway, if I might try to increase my time at shoveling to an half hour. One of my jobs is going to require some serious standing time, too... getting the wallpaper off the wall. Five to seven layers of it off concrete will take some doing. As for the drywall? That may just need to be replaced. I am not sure if that is a starter job, though. However, if I can show my mother that I am truly working on getting the paper off she might be able to stick with just helping me keep on target with redoing the kitchen floor this year. Negotiate, friends... Give a little, ask a little, prove your point, walk the walk, as you are able.
Youch... I keep stretching to try and get things... back into kilter. I know I am not the only one who does this. Like when you have a sore tooth and you keep checking it with your tongue. Just to make sure? I dunno, but it seems to be a common human thing. Every half hour or so I twist my back, just to check, then mess with my legs. Yep, still sore! Heh. It probably helps, at least the stretching part. The tooth thing? I think we just think we deserve to hurt or something. Masochists! :p
Good day.
Do I exaggerate, get it wrong?
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Of course! Oh, I definitely dip a bit into the world of fancy. I do so for many reasons, including a belief that I am somewhat read locally, and from certain sectors, and sometimes just because until I have a topic down I may well flirt with a number of different or even opposing lines of thought. I misdirect, use metaphor, analogy, parable, and other tools. My goal is to work out my ideas here, but in such a way sometimes that no one has any idea who, what, or where. I have noticed even that doesn't always work or what I did makes someone I wasn't discussing think they are who I was discussing. Yes, I can read you. Most people wear their hearts on their sleeves far more than they might think. There are a few I can't see into, not many. With them I listen to verbal cues. What I can't see or hear is darned good at cover, not foolproof though. You, yes you, I probably know if you read here or have heard about what I wrote.
As for being a delicate flower? Not so much. You could tell me I am an idiot. I would agree for my own part if we might part ways on what you think I did that was foolish. You might even declare that I should be shot, to my face. Really, so long as you didn't try to carry it out, I would merely try to get to the bottom of the problem. I might even agree with you, though I would hope to negotiate a lighter sentence. You really aren't going to hurt me, emotionally. It's not even that I am a stone, though I am probably closer to that from being tried than most. I am quite stable. I simply let my thoughts roam, I have guilt about some things rightly or wrongly (if I do try to change or seek forgiveness and guidance on some issues). I use anonymous others to beat up on me in some ways at some times, too. That offers perspective, or allows me to figure things out, or even gives me an opposing force through which to create a defense or defenses. Much like playing chess alone is one method of learning the game and one's own difficulties, weaknesses, and strengths.
Along with all that, add a good dose of humor. Even my darkest pieces, some of them, if you look not at the darkness but what is not dark in the posts, you might get a nose bleed from laughing. For a physical example, take a black and white picture and reverse the coloration. While that isn't necessarily funny, with ideas it can be. If you have a certain sense of humor. Actually, many of my posts, including some where I am frustrated or confused, are written with the lightest of hearts. While I can be moody. Not treacherously so, just... I have moods and can express things through the lens of my moods in an exaggerated fashion. I can also be artistic, theoretical, cynical, and the rest. Just don't take what I write as my absolute final answer, or necessarily too seriously if I will sometimes write that way too.
Mostly, on topics unrelated to efforts or mundane life, I write with a direct intent. That doesn't mean I believe everything there, specifically. More generally I do believe, or at the moment, what I am writing. You should walk away with a general idea or three. I try to include some caveats, doubts, concerns about my take on things but sometimes there are none. No, I don't believe everyone in this valley who has met me would see me hung, drawn and quartered, then beheaded at one time. I don't believe anyone would actually, probably, do that currently if it were in their power, mostly. I only mean that I have a serious way of pissing off even kindly old men and women, so the younger lots can stew much more profoundly. I do have a way with that, if it isn't necessarily something I mean to do. I do, however, think that I fall below contempt for a number of people in a number of ways. That I do believe. Rightly or wrongly. The ones who have a point, if it is in my power, I am trying to change that outlook (if for me more than them). The ones who simply don't understand where I am at and what I am, I pray that they find their way to understanding.
It's still a bit funny, but if I were falling off a cliff... I would take just a bit of time to chuckle at the thing, if I had the time. How did I get here? Ah, okay. Heh... Zounds this is going to hurt.
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Of course! Oh, I definitely dip a bit into the world of fancy. I do so for many reasons, including a belief that I am somewhat read locally, and from certain sectors, and sometimes just because until I have a topic down I may well flirt with a number of different or even opposing lines of thought. I misdirect, use metaphor, analogy, parable, and other tools. My goal is to work out my ideas here, but in such a way sometimes that no one has any idea who, what, or where. I have noticed even that doesn't always work or what I did makes someone I wasn't discussing think they are who I was discussing. Yes, I can read you. Most people wear their hearts on their sleeves far more than they might think. There are a few I can't see into, not many. With them I listen to verbal cues. What I can't see or hear is darned good at cover, not foolproof though. You, yes you, I probably know if you read here or have heard about what I wrote.
As for being a delicate flower? Not so much. You could tell me I am an idiot. I would agree for my own part if we might part ways on what you think I did that was foolish. You might even declare that I should be shot, to my face. Really, so long as you didn't try to carry it out, I would merely try to get to the bottom of the problem. I might even agree with you, though I would hope to negotiate a lighter sentence. You really aren't going to hurt me, emotionally. It's not even that I am a stone, though I am probably closer to that from being tried than most. I am quite stable. I simply let my thoughts roam, I have guilt about some things rightly or wrongly (if I do try to change or seek forgiveness and guidance on some issues). I use anonymous others to beat up on me in some ways at some times, too. That offers perspective, or allows me to figure things out, or even gives me an opposing force through which to create a defense or defenses. Much like playing chess alone is one method of learning the game and one's own difficulties, weaknesses, and strengths.
Along with all that, add a good dose of humor. Even my darkest pieces, some of them, if you look not at the darkness but what is not dark in the posts, you might get a nose bleed from laughing. For a physical example, take a black and white picture and reverse the coloration. While that isn't necessarily funny, with ideas it can be. If you have a certain sense of humor. Actually, many of my posts, including some where I am frustrated or confused, are written with the lightest of hearts. While I can be moody. Not treacherously so, just... I have moods and can express things through the lens of my moods in an exaggerated fashion. I can also be artistic, theoretical, cynical, and the rest. Just don't take what I write as my absolute final answer, or necessarily too seriously if I will sometimes write that way too.
Mostly, on topics unrelated to efforts or mundane life, I write with a direct intent. That doesn't mean I believe everything there, specifically. More generally I do believe, or at the moment, what I am writing. You should walk away with a general idea or three. I try to include some caveats, doubts, concerns about my take on things but sometimes there are none. No, I don't believe everyone in this valley who has met me would see me hung, drawn and quartered, then beheaded at one time. I don't believe anyone would actually, probably, do that currently if it were in their power, mostly. I only mean that I have a serious way of pissing off even kindly old men and women, so the younger lots can stew much more profoundly. I do have a way with that, if it isn't necessarily something I mean to do. I do, however, think that I fall below contempt for a number of people in a number of ways. That I do believe. Rightly or wrongly. The ones who have a point, if it is in my power, I am trying to change that outlook (if for me more than them). The ones who simply don't understand where I am at and what I am, I pray that they find their way to understanding.
It's still a bit funny, but if I were falling off a cliff... I would take just a bit of time to chuckle at the thing, if I had the time. How did I get here? Ah, okay. Heh... Zounds this is going to hurt.
Sleep was GREAT!
.
.
I think. I have no idea what really happened. I went in and laid down. My neighbors brought over dinner, calling first. I woke and got the call. They call first, usually. Then I had dinner. I don't remember much of any of it. Something something about something, then... here I sit. I don't remember dressing, undressing, redressing to answer the door... I don't remember eating so much, just that I did, or going back to bed. And sleep? I feel rested, I feel a bit less sore and stiff, and my brain is again working. Other than that... it's a blank slate. I actually really enjoy that notion. No, it wasn't hard work, none of what I have done in the last three days. Add it up and it, for my condition, was epic. I have only slept like that back in a time when the Navy had me working myself to the bone. I loved it then, too. I was born to push that edge, and raised right. Sleep like that simply doesn't come from a pill box, it is earned.
I still hope, tomorrow, to get out and get to it. The neighbor boy who was primarily helping? He... lost the front tire of his bike, went over the handlebars or summit, roadrashed one side of his face and fractured the other side too, somehow. Yeah, he is in recovery mode. Add him to your prayer list if you would be so kind, he's on mine. So the digging is all mine. And I have claimed the bedroom and on suite tasks. So... I really need to get to work. I really hope to continue the work. There is a chance of it too. As the weather warms and perhaps as I come into warmer weather mode I will be able to do keep up some moderate work load each day. Just a half hour there, an hour here, and such, will see these things to completion before I know it.
One thing though, if I am going to be trying to work more with the KoC and others, being on my feet long, I need to find better dress shoes. For me that is the weakest link. While I eschewed Florsheims and the like decades ago, there has to be something out there that would fit and are comfortable and supportive. I have gone with decent Oxfords for now. While not as jarring, and certainly not as biting into my ankles, they are not good for all day. I have never been good at being on my feet all day. My knees are a weak link too. Too tall, or a feature of some tall people I believe. My lower back always feels like I just fought a guy who excels at kidney punches. Well, you have to remember, when I fought, I never fought with rules. I still laugh when I remember someone saying, "and he cheated". Non-fighters simply don't understand, or think rules for boxing or wrestling mean anything on the street. I might start my search for all day dress shoes anew. Damn the price and torpedoes!
I'll see how stiff I am tomorrow. I'm feeling okay right now, sitting. I might get a bit more sleep in later, too. Sleep does me a ton of good that way. I sure am excited about the last few days though. There's life in the old boy yet! If I can keep that going, coral some of the energy coming in and turn it into work, I can really get some things done, add to my fitness level, and even turn that into some play time before long. Everything I do seems to have to be created from whole cloth. It would be good to get to some modicum of health from which to spring into new demands. This may be another false promise, empty hope, but it's what I have. It's as much as I have had in a long time. If I compare it to my life in Iowa, my last decade or more? I am doing a lot more. I remember for long stages of years where the best I did, sum total, was get out of bed. And my supreme function was to get out of bed at a regular hour for weeks or months. There was engineering school. The thinking wasn't a problem if I didn't nose dive into sleep. The hard part was being up and at school everyday, but not because of the physical work. When I had a woman, she actually would eventually help regulate my internal clock, working until I pushed too hard, then having to recover before getting back to some regularity. Just... thinking, remembering.
Hmm, to some reading. Have a good night, morning, or such.
.
I think. I have no idea what really happened. I went in and laid down. My neighbors brought over dinner, calling first. I woke and got the call. They call first, usually. Then I had dinner. I don't remember much of any of it. Something something about something, then... here I sit. I don't remember dressing, undressing, redressing to answer the door... I don't remember eating so much, just that I did, or going back to bed. And sleep? I feel rested, I feel a bit less sore and stiff, and my brain is again working. Other than that... it's a blank slate. I actually really enjoy that notion. No, it wasn't hard work, none of what I have done in the last three days. Add it up and it, for my condition, was epic. I have only slept like that back in a time when the Navy had me working myself to the bone. I loved it then, too. I was born to push that edge, and raised right. Sleep like that simply doesn't come from a pill box, it is earned.
I still hope, tomorrow, to get out and get to it. The neighbor boy who was primarily helping? He... lost the front tire of his bike, went over the handlebars or summit, roadrashed one side of his face and fractured the other side too, somehow. Yeah, he is in recovery mode. Add him to your prayer list if you would be so kind, he's on mine. So the digging is all mine. And I have claimed the bedroom and on suite tasks. So... I really need to get to work. I really hope to continue the work. There is a chance of it too. As the weather warms and perhaps as I come into warmer weather mode I will be able to do keep up some moderate work load each day. Just a half hour there, an hour here, and such, will see these things to completion before I know it.
One thing though, if I am going to be trying to work more with the KoC and others, being on my feet long, I need to find better dress shoes. For me that is the weakest link. While I eschewed Florsheims and the like decades ago, there has to be something out there that would fit and are comfortable and supportive. I have gone with decent Oxfords for now. While not as jarring, and certainly not as biting into my ankles, they are not good for all day. I have never been good at being on my feet all day. My knees are a weak link too. Too tall, or a feature of some tall people I believe. My lower back always feels like I just fought a guy who excels at kidney punches. Well, you have to remember, when I fought, I never fought with rules. I still laugh when I remember someone saying, "and he cheated". Non-fighters simply don't understand, or think rules for boxing or wrestling mean anything on the street. I might start my search for all day dress shoes anew. Damn the price and torpedoes!
I'll see how stiff I am tomorrow. I'm feeling okay right now, sitting. I might get a bit more sleep in later, too. Sleep does me a ton of good that way. I sure am excited about the last few days though. There's life in the old boy yet! If I can keep that going, coral some of the energy coming in and turn it into work, I can really get some things done, add to my fitness level, and even turn that into some play time before long. Everything I do seems to have to be created from whole cloth. It would be good to get to some modicum of health from which to spring into new demands. This may be another false promise, empty hope, but it's what I have. It's as much as I have had in a long time. If I compare it to my life in Iowa, my last decade or more? I am doing a lot more. I remember for long stages of years where the best I did, sum total, was get out of bed. And my supreme function was to get out of bed at a regular hour for weeks or months. There was engineering school. The thinking wasn't a problem if I didn't nose dive into sleep. The hard part was being up and at school everyday, but not because of the physical work. When I had a woman, she actually would eventually help regulate my internal clock, working until I pushed too hard, then having to recover before getting back to some regularity. Just... thinking, remembering.
Hmm, to some reading. Have a good night, morning, or such.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
That went well.
.
.
I showed up perhaps a bit before 9:00. The guys cooking were already at it but there were seemingly a dozen or so in the small kitchen. Looking around I noticed that tables and chairs were being arranged, so I just jumped in like I knew what I was doing. There were two of us. Another fellow came along shortly who had a better plan and so we did that. The rest of the time I was there was just trying to actually be doing something, avoiding others who were doing something, and taking work orders when those arrived, until the meal began. Then I was, for the most part, just a server, ham cutter, and such. After, I had a bite to eat, then helped with a bit of cleanup, and processed then chopped four heads of garlic. The next group would be arriving soon but there was little I could do. It wasn't my legs, arms, or even being tired, it was my back. That is the longest I have been on my feet in... No, I mean... I have no idea? Since the Navy? Close to it. I let a few of them know I was going, then I headed out. I was a little disappointed that I wasn't going to ride the thing to the end. I really had hoped to do that. In truth, I ended up staying longer than I thought might be the case. I did what I could.
I am hoping, as these things come up, that I can become more a part of them. I enjoyed doing it. I don't mind a little or lot of work. I will do what I can for as long as I can. Just so long as it is understood that when I have to go it isn't really a choice. It is nice to see the guys, and serving the public means meeting women. On the service side, it simply is good to get out and do something that ends up meaning something. Who knows, maybe I can learn to handle a bit more.
You know, actually, that is three days in a row where I have gotten some serious (for me) work in. I am not planning on anything tomorrow. Not because I will do nothing, simply that usually by the third day, when I hit the accelerator I about get my ankle broke from the kickback of a dead horse, somehow. Take that analogy and smoke it! But, if I can keep this run going, I will get to work. Today? No. I will try to stay awake as late into the afternoon as possible. Mostly I am going to just tinker, read, whatever. My goal is 17:00, but if I can somehow push it to 19:00 I will. I won't try to push it later, it doesn't work well.
Later or good... afternoon... in a good night sort of way.
.
I showed up perhaps a bit before 9:00. The guys cooking were already at it but there were seemingly a dozen or so in the small kitchen. Looking around I noticed that tables and chairs were being arranged, so I just jumped in like I knew what I was doing. There were two of us. Another fellow came along shortly who had a better plan and so we did that. The rest of the time I was there was just trying to actually be doing something, avoiding others who were doing something, and taking work orders when those arrived, until the meal began. Then I was, for the most part, just a server, ham cutter, and such. After, I had a bite to eat, then helped with a bit of cleanup, and processed then chopped four heads of garlic. The next group would be arriving soon but there was little I could do. It wasn't my legs, arms, or even being tired, it was my back. That is the longest I have been on my feet in... No, I mean... I have no idea? Since the Navy? Close to it. I let a few of them know I was going, then I headed out. I was a little disappointed that I wasn't going to ride the thing to the end. I really had hoped to do that. In truth, I ended up staying longer than I thought might be the case. I did what I could.
I am hoping, as these things come up, that I can become more a part of them. I enjoyed doing it. I don't mind a little or lot of work. I will do what I can for as long as I can. Just so long as it is understood that when I have to go it isn't really a choice. It is nice to see the guys, and serving the public means meeting women. On the service side, it simply is good to get out and do something that ends up meaning something. Who knows, maybe I can learn to handle a bit more.
You know, actually, that is three days in a row where I have gotten some serious (for me) work in. I am not planning on anything tomorrow. Not because I will do nothing, simply that usually by the third day, when I hit the accelerator I about get my ankle broke from the kickback of a dead horse, somehow. Take that analogy and smoke it! But, if I can keep this run going, I will get to work. Today? No. I will try to stay awake as late into the afternoon as possible. Mostly I am going to just tinker, read, whatever. My goal is 17:00, but if I can somehow push it to 19:00 I will. I won't try to push it later, it doesn't work well.
Later or good... afternoon... in a good night sort of way.
Happy Mother's Day.
.
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Mary, on this day when we honor all mothers, we turn to you. We thank the Lord whom you serve for the great gift of motherhood. Never has it been known that anyone who sought your intercession was left unaided by grace. Dear Mother, thank you for your “Yes” to the invitation of the angel which brought heaven to earth and changed human history. You opened yourself to God’s word and the Word was made flesh and dwelt among us.
Dear mother, intercede for all of our mothers. Ask your Divine Son to give them the grace of surrendered love so that they could join with you in giving their own “Fiat.” May they find daily grace to say yes to the call to the sacrificial love- the very heart of the vocation of motherhood. May their love and witness be a source of great inspiration for all of us called to follow your Son.
On this Mothers day, Mother of the Word Incarnate, pray for us who have recourse to you…
In the Name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.
(right properly stolen from Catholic Online)
And on a personal note, thanks for putting up with all my rugrattery. I was a fine rugrat as far as finding out what annoyed you and doing it au naturel. Nothing personal, I just... well... I had to find out just... what happened if I... You know the rest, what you can remember. Thanks for the good eats, teaching me to wash behind my ears and such, trying to show me right and wrong, and the rest. I do appreciate it if I might not always seem to show it. I love you.
.
Mary, on this day when we honor all mothers, we turn to you. We thank the Lord whom you serve for the great gift of motherhood. Never has it been known that anyone who sought your intercession was left unaided by grace. Dear Mother, thank you for your “Yes” to the invitation of the angel which brought heaven to earth and changed human history. You opened yourself to God’s word and the Word was made flesh and dwelt among us.
Dear mother, intercede for all of our mothers. Ask your Divine Son to give them the grace of surrendered love so that they could join with you in giving their own “Fiat.” May they find daily grace to say yes to the call to the sacrificial love- the very heart of the vocation of motherhood. May their love and witness be a source of great inspiration for all of us called to follow your Son.
On this Mothers day, Mother of the Word Incarnate, pray for us who have recourse to you…
In the Name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.
(right properly stolen from Catholic Online)
And on a personal note, thanks for putting up with all my rugrattery. I was a fine rugrat as far as finding out what annoyed you and doing it au naturel. Nothing personal, I just... well... I had to find out just... what happened if I... You know the rest, what you can remember. Thanks for the good eats, teaching me to wash behind my ears and such, trying to show me right and wrong, and the rest. I do appreciate it if I might not always seem to show it. I love you.
Tingling feeling?
.
.
Well, yes. But not in the Mathews-Zero way. I slept well! I went to bed a bit past... midnight (or something, I just cannot recall exactly). I set an alarm for 5:00 and one for 6:00. Setting them each an hour later just didn't seem like it would work, assuming (at that point) that I could even sleep. I laid down, said a relatively short prayer, and then even 'thought' to God as the hammer was coming down. Then I just rested a second and... *Bzzzz!* I woke with the memory of three dreams. As I hastened to shut off that first alarm, then use the facilities then hie back to bed, since I didn't peg the dream memories into concrete thought, they got lost. Sometimes I can't hold onto them no matter what I do, other times if I think about them a bit first then I can keep all or most of them. An hour later, of course, the second alarm went off. Not yet! My mind whimpered. Fine. I set the alarm back an half hour since an hour would be too much and the snooze absolutely SUCKS. Five minutes? I'm an addict, don't tease. In there somewhere, something came to me.
I wrote, before, that I had made almost anyone in the valley who knows me well enough, atheist, agnostic, Catholic, LDS, and women (who have their own religion I think? :p) angry enough to consider ending my wretched life. I wrote that there was a bit of respect that kept them from doing so. I got the feeling that that wasn't true. It was simply something between not wanting to go to jail and letting me suffer. Heh. Oh, I don't mind. I just... thought it was funny. I wanted to correct my mistake. Just a feeling but it is there. Why I would wake to that thought I don't know. Someone(s) must be thinking of me. I can hear you NOW. *chuckles*
I am well pleased that I won't have to suffer through this day of mild effort as much as I had thought. The sleep was short but wonderful. Having had no sleep was going to be the hard part, not the work or such. I can't say I deserve the sleep, like the blisters. I can only say that God seems to bless those, at times, who attempt to do what He has set before them. Sometimes there is nothing to do but suffer. And I would have done that too, gladly really. Not this time. And while I would have suffered, it is good, some days, to get that particular cross lifted from my shoulders, pathetically small as that cross is in the scheme of things. Now the upper back of my legs are stiff as boards, but, oddly, don't actually hurt (yet?). No other pains persist from picking and shoveling and the rest. A few Anacin and I should be right as rain in case pain arrives as my brain fires up. Medicine went down the hatch too, that's... four days on that. If I think I have time I might check my bp.
I need to polish my shoes, shower, and dress, then drive to Church. Technically I have an hour and a half. Ugh but time flies. An half hour already gone and that was just... feeding the cats, writing this blog, letting Sam out for a bit, and... what else? Never mind. I better set the timer for an half hour so I am aware of things. Just to feel out where I am and such. I am totally blind when it comes to time. I want to be heading out between 8:00 and 8:30, I just... I do have real things to do and only one speed currently.
Good day.
.
Well, yes. But not in the Mathews-Zero way. I slept well! I went to bed a bit past... midnight (or something, I just cannot recall exactly). I set an alarm for 5:00 and one for 6:00. Setting them each an hour later just didn't seem like it would work, assuming (at that point) that I could even sleep. I laid down, said a relatively short prayer, and then even 'thought' to God as the hammer was coming down. Then I just rested a second and... *Bzzzz!* I woke with the memory of three dreams. As I hastened to shut off that first alarm, then use the facilities then hie back to bed, since I didn't peg the dream memories into concrete thought, they got lost. Sometimes I can't hold onto them no matter what I do, other times if I think about them a bit first then I can keep all or most of them. An hour later, of course, the second alarm went off. Not yet! My mind whimpered. Fine. I set the alarm back an half hour since an hour would be too much and the snooze absolutely SUCKS. Five minutes? I'm an addict, don't tease. In there somewhere, something came to me.
I wrote, before, that I had made almost anyone in the valley who knows me well enough, atheist, agnostic, Catholic, LDS, and women (who have their own religion I think? :p) angry enough to consider ending my wretched life. I wrote that there was a bit of respect that kept them from doing so. I got the feeling that that wasn't true. It was simply something between not wanting to go to jail and letting me suffer. Heh. Oh, I don't mind. I just... thought it was funny. I wanted to correct my mistake. Just a feeling but it is there. Why I would wake to that thought I don't know. Someone(s) must be thinking of me. I can hear you NOW. *chuckles*
I am well pleased that I won't have to suffer through this day of mild effort as much as I had thought. The sleep was short but wonderful. Having had no sleep was going to be the hard part, not the work or such. I can't say I deserve the sleep, like the blisters. I can only say that God seems to bless those, at times, who attempt to do what He has set before them. Sometimes there is nothing to do but suffer. And I would have done that too, gladly really. Not this time. And while I would have suffered, it is good, some days, to get that particular cross lifted from my shoulders, pathetically small as that cross is in the scheme of things. Now the upper back of my legs are stiff as boards, but, oddly, don't actually hurt (yet?). No other pains persist from picking and shoveling and the rest. A few Anacin and I should be right as rain in case pain arrives as my brain fires up. Medicine went down the hatch too, that's... four days on that. If I think I have time I might check my bp.
I need to polish my shoes, shower, and dress, then drive to Church. Technically I have an hour and a half. Ugh but time flies. An half hour already gone and that was just... feeding the cats, writing this blog, letting Sam out for a bit, and... what else? Never mind. I better set the timer for an half hour so I am aware of things. Just to feel out where I am and such. I am totally blind when it comes to time. I want to be heading out between 8:00 and 8:30, I just... I do have real things to do and only one speed currently.
Good day.
Some days...
.
.
If I could have even three days a week like this I would be quite pleased. If I could have two pair of days like the last two days I would be ecstatic. I have the last load to dry doing so. I've finished off most of the dishes, two of the pots, and am soaking most of the rest, plus I washed the stove top. For a treat I made a pan of fried gizzards. I may do a bit more before I sleep. Polishing my shoes would be good. Cleaning the toilets would be good. Perhaps doing another load of dishes too. I did skip the nap but it might be time to try that, actually. With two alarm clocks and my mother calling there is a decent chance something would get through if I happened to be able to stay down and sleep longer than I expect.
I noticed blisters on my hands. Oh, I don't mind. Actually I like blisters. They mean work has been done. My only problem with them is that I don't feel like I truly deserve them, I don't think I worked all that hard. I have grown soft. If I keep it up I might get calluses back. Calluses are great when you have to do something by hand and you simply don't have gloves available.
I am rather at ease too. My mind and body are going along pretty well. I have gotten back to praying and started my medicines. I am focusing a part of my prayers directly regarding a wife. No, I'm no closer than I ever was to finding a wife if I have a better idea of why I wasn't really working at that, and why I shied away from a couple of serious possibilities. I just wasn't ready. I'm still not ready. I'll keep my eyes open a bit more though. I'll try to take up leads when I find them, a lot more quickly. The truth is if I could meet ten women of the right configuration, so to speak, there is a chance that I would accept none of them. And, of course, even should I find one or two, the one(s) I choose might not accept me. I won't worry about that so much, at this point. Actually, I won't worry about that at all. I don't even care about that part. It's what comes after finding one that I accept who finds me acceptable that is the problem. Though, I have to admit, the chance of finding a wife with no women available is... rather slim. I don't think God uses the same trick twice... and I like my ribs just as they are. All that wrestling with God... and He only noticed because He wanted to notice. I don't even think I scraped off what we might call dead skin. :p
Yeah, a nap. I'll deal with whatever there is to deal with when I wake up, if I wake up in a timely fashion. The bits of work left to do would be a great way to come back to life, get the brain and body in sync. I am not worried about putting in effort at the brunch I am more worried about getting there. I can slog through most things if I can just get to them. The adrenaline from having so many apex predators around, even if we are connected, keeps me more on my toes. Though a pot of coffee first might be good, if possible.
Have a good night.
.
If I could have even three days a week like this I would be quite pleased. If I could have two pair of days like the last two days I would be ecstatic. I have the last load to dry doing so. I've finished off most of the dishes, two of the pots, and am soaking most of the rest, plus I washed the stove top. For a treat I made a pan of fried gizzards. I may do a bit more before I sleep. Polishing my shoes would be good. Cleaning the toilets would be good. Perhaps doing another load of dishes too. I did skip the nap but it might be time to try that, actually. With two alarm clocks and my mother calling there is a decent chance something would get through if I happened to be able to stay down and sleep longer than I expect.
I noticed blisters on my hands. Oh, I don't mind. Actually I like blisters. They mean work has been done. My only problem with them is that I don't feel like I truly deserve them, I don't think I worked all that hard. I have grown soft. If I keep it up I might get calluses back. Calluses are great when you have to do something by hand and you simply don't have gloves available.
I am rather at ease too. My mind and body are going along pretty well. I have gotten back to praying and started my medicines. I am focusing a part of my prayers directly regarding a wife. No, I'm no closer than I ever was to finding a wife if I have a better idea of why I wasn't really working at that, and why I shied away from a couple of serious possibilities. I just wasn't ready. I'm still not ready. I'll keep my eyes open a bit more though. I'll try to take up leads when I find them, a lot more quickly. The truth is if I could meet ten women of the right configuration, so to speak, there is a chance that I would accept none of them. And, of course, even should I find one or two, the one(s) I choose might not accept me. I won't worry about that so much, at this point. Actually, I won't worry about that at all. I don't even care about that part. It's what comes after finding one that I accept who finds me acceptable that is the problem. Though, I have to admit, the chance of finding a wife with no women available is... rather slim. I don't think God uses the same trick twice... and I like my ribs just as they are. All that wrestling with God... and He only noticed because He wanted to notice. I don't even think I scraped off what we might call dead skin. :p
Yeah, a nap. I'll deal with whatever there is to deal with when I wake up, if I wake up in a timely fashion. The bits of work left to do would be a great way to come back to life, get the brain and body in sync. I am not worried about putting in effort at the brunch I am more worried about getting there. I can slog through most things if I can just get to them. The adrenaline from having so many apex predators around, even if we are connected, keeps me more on my toes. Though a pot of coffee first might be good, if possible.
Have a good night.
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Phone tag.
.
.
I finally was able to get my mom on the phone. I'm not sure who started it but for days now we have been playing phone tag. She asked for a bit of advice. I want to think on it. I think she should continue with all she is doing, if she can. Somethings, like water off a ducks back, especially since she isn't really involved, might be the best way, and just braving on. I'll talk to her again soon about it. I do have some ideas to make some parts of her job easier, though, too. I'll be looking up something specific soon. Besides, I know she wouldn't be happy underperforming. While I do it, I hate it. I am definitely her son, if broken. Get 'er done.
I picked and shoveled a bit again today. While my arms are a bit stiff, mostly from being jarred when the pick or shovel comes to a quick stop, it is my legs that are barking a bit. I am surprised my midsection isn't bothering me but those muscles aren't even mildly, timidly, yipping or even letting me know they exist. I dug another part out, perhaps 2/3rds what I did yesterday. Then again I had three big roots to dig around then chop out. It is an actual manhole now, big enough for a man to get down in and take it deeper. The faucet pipe is absolutely rigid still. I am pretty sure the hole is between two and an half and three feet deep. Still the pipe isn't budging a bit. I suspect by week's end, with a little help, the thing will be done, graveled, repiped, buried, and spitting out water like a spigot ought to do.
Dishes have gotten a fresh soak, the toilets have been sprayed down again, again, again, and the first load of laundry has gone into the washer while I tumble the other clothes just a bit. I don't mind wrinkled clothes. If women don't like them, and I've never known a woman who does, she will have to figure that out. Should I find a woman. If not, wrinkled is good. I am seriously thinking about a pan of gizzards tonight. I am loving lard hard now that I am using it more regularly. But I may add a bit of butter to the fat this time, just out of curiosity. Oh? Bad for your heart? :p
Hmm, I may try to take a quick nap though first, while everything is running and after letting the pick, shovel, and axe beat me into the ground a bit. Yeah, that might help. I know I won't be able to sleep otherwise. My mom offered to call me in the morning... pick me up like a coach might to a first time marathoner. I ought to check what I have for coffee too. Soda just doesn't have that much zing. A pot of coffee will see me to the event, after that I should be good. My body will probably need a day or two off after this weekend. Maybe more. We will see. I suppose I will hold off my nap until the laundry is dry, then switch things over and nap.
All's well otherwise. Later.
.
I finally was able to get my mom on the phone. I'm not sure who started it but for days now we have been playing phone tag. She asked for a bit of advice. I want to think on it. I think she should continue with all she is doing, if she can. Somethings, like water off a ducks back, especially since she isn't really involved, might be the best way, and just braving on. I'll talk to her again soon about it. I do have some ideas to make some parts of her job easier, though, too. I'll be looking up something specific soon. Besides, I know she wouldn't be happy underperforming. While I do it, I hate it. I am definitely her son, if broken. Get 'er done.
I picked and shoveled a bit again today. While my arms are a bit stiff, mostly from being jarred when the pick or shovel comes to a quick stop, it is my legs that are barking a bit. I am surprised my midsection isn't bothering me but those muscles aren't even mildly, timidly, yipping or even letting me know they exist. I dug another part out, perhaps 2/3rds what I did yesterday. Then again I had three big roots to dig around then chop out. It is an actual manhole now, big enough for a man to get down in and take it deeper. The faucet pipe is absolutely rigid still. I am pretty sure the hole is between two and an half and three feet deep. Still the pipe isn't budging a bit. I suspect by week's end, with a little help, the thing will be done, graveled, repiped, buried, and spitting out water like a spigot ought to do.
Dishes have gotten a fresh soak, the toilets have been sprayed down again, again, again, and the first load of laundry has gone into the washer while I tumble the other clothes just a bit. I don't mind wrinkled clothes. If women don't like them, and I've never known a woman who does, she will have to figure that out. Should I find a woman. If not, wrinkled is good. I am seriously thinking about a pan of gizzards tonight. I am loving lard hard now that I am using it more regularly. But I may add a bit of butter to the fat this time, just out of curiosity. Oh? Bad for your heart? :p
Hmm, I may try to take a quick nap though first, while everything is running and after letting the pick, shovel, and axe beat me into the ground a bit. Yeah, that might help. I know I won't be able to sleep otherwise. My mom offered to call me in the morning... pick me up like a coach might to a first time marathoner. I ought to check what I have for coffee too. Soda just doesn't have that much zing. A pot of coffee will see me to the event, after that I should be good. My body will probably need a day or two off after this weekend. Maybe more. We will see. I suppose I will hold off my nap until the laundry is dry, then switch things over and nap.
All's well otherwise. Later.
Just a few kinks in the process.
.
.
Pleased to have done even the little bit I did yesterday and this morning, and after a goodly if short prayer, I slept like a baby. Just waking an hour or two ago I realize I have a few kinks. None of the work, even the pick and shovel work, was all that difficult. I have simply not be active so the combined works have a few of my body parts out of adjustment. If I can roll fast enough though I would like to get out and pick and shovel a bit more, get my shoes and boots polished, do another load or two of laundry, and see about finishing the last of the dishes. I have pork cutlets thawed and chicken gizzards finishing the thawing process.
By the way, how large is your consumption library? I mean, what have you eaten in your life? I have eaten some odd things, by some standards. I found a list of 100 things people should "eat" in their lifetime. Actually I have eaten all but a handful. What I haven't done is had many various drink substances (or rotted/fermented fish). When you look at the list you may need to actually look up the food. For example, there were three foods listed that, until I looked them up, I would not have guessed I had eaten them (tongue and heart, for example, which I have cooked in my OWN home, in the last two years). Oh, and some things look a lot like things I have eaten. If you have eaten head cheese (not a cheese at all, by the way) I consider that as a fulfillment of one of the items. And some things are just silly. If you have eaten little and big squid, does it really matter if you have eaten a particular size (though live might be different but that wasn't on the list I don't think). Some things just have never been available. Some things are simply too exotic, using vegetables or fruits from a very small region, probably not even exported or even technically harvested. I was amazed at how much of the non-drink foods I have had on that list. Your mileage may vary.
Oh, there was something on there I consider to have been eaten. Something I enjoyed greatly. Something I want to make here at home soon. Bo tai chanh looks absolutely delicious. Now I know I have eaten beef carpacio before, definitely, a number of times. And it is delicious. The other? The last time I ordered something like it, though with a different name I can't remember, I had it explained that it was similar to beef carpacio but did have a distinct citrus note. So, whether I ate bo tai chanh or not is unclear. Still, I really want to make some of that myself. I have had shrimp ceviche, made tilapia ceviche and scallop ceviche. But BEEF ceviche? Woot! Beef AND ceviche... in one dish? Now that sounds delish! Oh, right, my stomach got excited from reading the list, if you can keep the fermented fish (probably). I would love to try true barbocoa too, as well as a thousand dishes I have curiosity about that aren't on the list. Yeah, I might be a foodie. It isn't to be exclusive, though. I'm just... curious... hungry... adventurous.
Hmm, back to the here and now. I did miss Mass. I really didn't see a way around that. I had things to do, could do them, did do them, but couldn't have slept anyway. I can let one goal go in order to make a primary goal. And I might still be able to make Mass tomorrow, depending on what is decided and who needs what no matter what is decided about this and that. I know, I KNOW, but I only have one 'me' and that one isn't so great. You can't make a catfish fry dinner with only carrots, broccoli, and peanuts, 'kay? Yeah, a bit more picking and grinning, then to polishing shoes (and boots while I'm at it), laundry, soaking pots and pans (for now), maybe a meal later if I have time, cleaning toilets, and a pre-shower after that so tomorrow's shower will see me to more of the pick dust out of my hair, maybe all of it. Even with a baseball cap on my bean I must get a pound of dirt in my hair when I do that!
Hmm. Later.
.
Pleased to have done even the little bit I did yesterday and this morning, and after a goodly if short prayer, I slept like a baby. Just waking an hour or two ago I realize I have a few kinks. None of the work, even the pick and shovel work, was all that difficult. I have simply not be active so the combined works have a few of my body parts out of adjustment. If I can roll fast enough though I would like to get out and pick and shovel a bit more, get my shoes and boots polished, do another load or two of laundry, and see about finishing the last of the dishes. I have pork cutlets thawed and chicken gizzards finishing the thawing process.
By the way, how large is your consumption library? I mean, what have you eaten in your life? I have eaten some odd things, by some standards. I found a list of 100 things people should "eat" in their lifetime. Actually I have eaten all but a handful. What I haven't done is had many various drink substances (or rotted/fermented fish). When you look at the list you may need to actually look up the food. For example, there were three foods listed that, until I looked them up, I would not have guessed I had eaten them (tongue and heart, for example, which I have cooked in my OWN home, in the last two years). Oh, and some things look a lot like things I have eaten. If you have eaten head cheese (not a cheese at all, by the way) I consider that as a fulfillment of one of the items. And some things are just silly. If you have eaten little and big squid, does it really matter if you have eaten a particular size (though live might be different but that wasn't on the list I don't think). Some things just have never been available. Some things are simply too exotic, using vegetables or fruits from a very small region, probably not even exported or even technically harvested. I was amazed at how much of the non-drink foods I have had on that list. Your mileage may vary.
Oh, there was something on there I consider to have been eaten. Something I enjoyed greatly. Something I want to make here at home soon. Bo tai chanh looks absolutely delicious. Now I know I have eaten beef carpacio before, definitely, a number of times. And it is delicious. The other? The last time I ordered something like it, though with a different name I can't remember, I had it explained that it was similar to beef carpacio but did have a distinct citrus note. So, whether I ate bo tai chanh or not is unclear. Still, I really want to make some of that myself. I have had shrimp ceviche, made tilapia ceviche and scallop ceviche. But BEEF ceviche? Woot! Beef AND ceviche... in one dish? Now that sounds delish! Oh, right, my stomach got excited from reading the list, if you can keep the fermented fish (probably). I would love to try true barbocoa too, as well as a thousand dishes I have curiosity about that aren't on the list. Yeah, I might be a foodie. It isn't to be exclusive, though. I'm just... curious... hungry... adventurous.
Hmm, back to the here and now. I did miss Mass. I really didn't see a way around that. I had things to do, could do them, did do them, but couldn't have slept anyway. I can let one goal go in order to make a primary goal. And I might still be able to make Mass tomorrow, depending on what is decided and who needs what no matter what is decided about this and that. I know, I KNOW, but I only have one 'me' and that one isn't so great. You can't make a catfish fry dinner with only carrots, broccoli, and peanuts, 'kay? Yeah, a bit more picking and grinning, then to polishing shoes (and boots while I'm at it), laundry, soaking pots and pans (for now), maybe a meal later if I have time, cleaning toilets, and a pre-shower after that so tomorrow's shower will see me to more of the pick dust out of my hair, maybe all of it. Even with a baseball cap on my bean I must get a pound of dirt in my hair when I do that!
Hmm. Later.
Some things, not all.
.
.
I am definitely running out of steam. I will have another load of dishes done before long, with two other loads completed already. The laundry just takes so long that what gets done gets done. I would love to pack it in and go on to bed. And I may when the laundry is ready to finally go into the dryer. Or not. I have two choices in trying to make it in Sunday. I can either figure out how to get to sleep earlier or I can figure out how to stay up through the process. Getting to sleep earlier hasn't been working at all. Plus, even if I could, there is no guarantee I could wake in time. So it looks like staying up, powering through, is the only real option. So, perhaps today, I will power through, get another load of laundry done, and finish the shoe shining and bathroom cleaning I had planned. I won't, probably, be able to fit in the rest of the dishes, pots and pans actually. But I could set them to soak.
There is so much to do, I am pushing the clock and my body, and it does hurt. Pain adds to the need for sleep. I realize, too, that I may not be able to make Mass this evening, at this rate. I am trying to make the solution fit the problem and anyone who has solved difficult equations knows that doesn't always work. Sometimes, through exceptions, givens, and a few other scurrilous methods, that can work. I'm not sure if I can do this one that way. Being to Church on Sunday is my primary goal. The rest... And yet I am moving forward rather well. I can sleep Sunday afternoon, if needed. If we start serving at 11:00, then run until 13:00 or so, and with maybe an hour of clean-up, perhaps I could be home before 15:00? I best take some extra aspirin. It can help a bit.
I am just writing to... cheer myself. Nothing important, just counting off time, taking a break by writing. I can't fill the whole time with work, more so being slowed by waiting on the laundry, so... I write. It's good to see, in writing, that the work wanted is being done. There is that. On to... other things. Hmm, no, I think my body is done. When the laundry and that last load of dishes is done, I think that is it. Tomorrow is going to be a bear. I may not do any more shoveling today, or... I'll see when I wake up. I wish there was a manual that would let me know what I can reasonably expect, how hard to push, how to push in the first place, and such.
Good night... morning.
.
I am definitely running out of steam. I will have another load of dishes done before long, with two other loads completed already. The laundry just takes so long that what gets done gets done. I would love to pack it in and go on to bed. And I may when the laundry is ready to finally go into the dryer. Or not. I have two choices in trying to make it in Sunday. I can either figure out how to get to sleep earlier or I can figure out how to stay up through the process. Getting to sleep earlier hasn't been working at all. Plus, even if I could, there is no guarantee I could wake in time. So it looks like staying up, powering through, is the only real option. So, perhaps today, I will power through, get another load of laundry done, and finish the shoe shining and bathroom cleaning I had planned. I won't, probably, be able to fit in the rest of the dishes, pots and pans actually. But I could set them to soak.
There is so much to do, I am pushing the clock and my body, and it does hurt. Pain adds to the need for sleep. I realize, too, that I may not be able to make Mass this evening, at this rate. I am trying to make the solution fit the problem and anyone who has solved difficult equations knows that doesn't always work. Sometimes, through exceptions, givens, and a few other scurrilous methods, that can work. I'm not sure if I can do this one that way. Being to Church on Sunday is my primary goal. The rest... And yet I am moving forward rather well. I can sleep Sunday afternoon, if needed. If we start serving at 11:00, then run until 13:00 or so, and with maybe an hour of clean-up, perhaps I could be home before 15:00? I best take some extra aspirin. It can help a bit.
I am just writing to... cheer myself. Nothing important, just counting off time, taking a break by writing. I can't fill the whole time with work, more so being slowed by waiting on the laundry, so... I write. It's good to see, in writing, that the work wanted is being done. There is that. On to... other things. Hmm, no, I think my body is done. When the laundry and that last load of dishes is done, I think that is it. Tomorrow is going to be a bear. I may not do any more shoveling today, or... I'll see when I wake up. I wish there was a manual that would let me know what I can reasonably expect, how hard to push, how to push in the first place, and such.
Good night... morning.
Hmm, it seems 2:00 is the new noon.
.
.
Not waking up until 16:00, and even with some pick and shove action going, I didn't really become functional until a bit ago. My first load of laundry is going, I've taken out the trash and recycling after changing out the litter boxes, then I soaked the dishes, sprayed the toilets for cleaning in a bit (oh, the stuff I use in one bathroom is ammonia based, the other is chlorine based... best not mix the two). I did a couple dozen other minor things as well. I am hoping to get my shoes and boots polished as well. I have plenty of clean good clothes for Church and Mother's Day, other than the shoes needing polished.
I think just shoveling broke the spell I was under. Just seeing something real get done, and a pretty good load of dirt moved too, and quickly. A half hour every other day for two weeks could see me to quite a pit if it were needed. That might be about all I could do, definitely at first though probably I would dive into coma mode pretty quickly. Still, just seeing that go forward egged me on to seeding the sparse parts of the lawn and then onto a few other things to finally this little work grouping. Medicine might have helped though too. It's difficult to tell with that stuff.
I am hoping to do a bit more picking and shoveling tomorrow. I just want to get the darned thing done. When I start a project I... get edgy when things go slow. Done, done, go, go, go. No, I don't consider the on suite project as started yet. :p I am also hoping to get to Mass in the afternoon as I may be required to attend the meal area Sunday through Mass. There must have been a typo as the meal is set to start at the same time Mass does. It happens. I'm not sure if they are going ahead with the printed meal time or not.
I noticed that my home isn't very secure. Just a few things that are problematic. A few neighbor kids that might know a trick or have found a key I put up (which is no longer where I put it). With so many windows, and one door that is mostly glass, super security is impossible (for what use that is anyway, a true castle is very easy to defeat... defense is only a time buying mechanism). However, new locks, front and back, might help a bit. I would actually like to put a serious deadbolt on the front door, for now. Others will go in when I can replace the other doors. Glass for an entry door? I swear, people are sometimes absolutely nutty. Still, it's a good home, just a number of little things to tinker with. Then again how do you seriously secure 6' by 4' windows? Sure, I suppose you could... engineer iron grates or steel bars, plus gates and locks... but those are viewing windows. Do you really want to look out of prison? Oh, yeah, there are the ones that open. But those type, the ones that actually work? You need a crane to install them. I have trouble doing my little projects and not choking on the price tags. I am looking at plants that might work well though, thorny ones, higher, bushier, nastier, ones. Those, of course, mean nothing when a perp is wearing kevlar outers, is high on drugs, or uses a breaching tool (a ladder for example). Security is a layered thing. Between neighbors, locks, devices (including plants), perhaps an alarm (just loud and long, not connected to any "operator" (though they even can call me if they are triggered now)), lights, me and my guns... With police as a first call, last ditch. Just how fast can they drive 12 or 25 miles or more? And that is fine. I wouldn't want a policemen on every corner of every street of every town. Layers. People miss the notion that, even if police can't save them on a dime, they are generally reliable in tracking down and prosecuting within reason. Most nations have cops that can and do beat you on suspicion of involvement... or if they just want to beat you. We have it pretty good that way.
I don't know how much I can really do. As projects are completed this summer, and maybe a sun oven finally built this summer too, I will know if I have potential or if I am just blowing smoke. It would be nice to slowly improve this and that, upgrade here, probably replace the main electric water heater with a gas one, attach the water lines so I get soft water everywhere, improve the doors and locks, and such. Bit by bit, but to really be moving forward. We will see.
A couple of hours for the first load. I will be washing it again. Some of my shirts have spots and normal washing isn't touching them. High spin, heavy soil, pre-wash, cold-cold, extra rinse... then probably another simple regular wash using cold-cold again though, then a fluff dry (as usual). I can probably only get that one load through tonight. Three and a half hours of washing and an hour in the fluff cycle. I should be able to wash most of the dishes, clean the toilets, and set out something to thaw. If it weren't for food coming in these last few weeks I would not have been eating, again. I really am limited to how much I can do, even just in keeping a kitchen going. Add in two or three or four projects, Mass, Mother's Day, and a social or two and, well, it... I can choke. All good. Life is limping along, perhaps even getting ready to explode a bit.
.
Not waking up until 16:00, and even with some pick and shove action going, I didn't really become functional until a bit ago. My first load of laundry is going, I've taken out the trash and recycling after changing out the litter boxes, then I soaked the dishes, sprayed the toilets for cleaning in a bit (oh, the stuff I use in one bathroom is ammonia based, the other is chlorine based... best not mix the two). I did a couple dozen other minor things as well. I am hoping to get my shoes and boots polished as well. I have plenty of clean good clothes for Church and Mother's Day, other than the shoes needing polished.
I think just shoveling broke the spell I was under. Just seeing something real get done, and a pretty good load of dirt moved too, and quickly. A half hour every other day for two weeks could see me to quite a pit if it were needed. That might be about all I could do, definitely at first though probably I would dive into coma mode pretty quickly. Still, just seeing that go forward egged me on to seeding the sparse parts of the lawn and then onto a few other things to finally this little work grouping. Medicine might have helped though too. It's difficult to tell with that stuff.
I am hoping to do a bit more picking and shoveling tomorrow. I just want to get the darned thing done. When I start a project I... get edgy when things go slow. Done, done, go, go, go. No, I don't consider the on suite project as started yet. :p I am also hoping to get to Mass in the afternoon as I may be required to attend the meal area Sunday through Mass. There must have been a typo as the meal is set to start at the same time Mass does. It happens. I'm not sure if they are going ahead with the printed meal time or not.
I noticed that my home isn't very secure. Just a few things that are problematic. A few neighbor kids that might know a trick or have found a key I put up (which is no longer where I put it). With so many windows, and one door that is mostly glass, super security is impossible (for what use that is anyway, a true castle is very easy to defeat... defense is only a time buying mechanism). However, new locks, front and back, might help a bit. I would actually like to put a serious deadbolt on the front door, for now. Others will go in when I can replace the other doors. Glass for an entry door? I swear, people are sometimes absolutely nutty. Still, it's a good home, just a number of little things to tinker with. Then again how do you seriously secure 6' by 4' windows? Sure, I suppose you could... engineer iron grates or steel bars, plus gates and locks... but those are viewing windows. Do you really want to look out of prison? Oh, yeah, there are the ones that open. But those type, the ones that actually work? You need a crane to install them. I have trouble doing my little projects and not choking on the price tags. I am looking at plants that might work well though, thorny ones, higher, bushier, nastier, ones. Those, of course, mean nothing when a perp is wearing kevlar outers, is high on drugs, or uses a breaching tool (a ladder for example). Security is a layered thing. Between neighbors, locks, devices (including plants), perhaps an alarm (just loud and long, not connected to any "operator" (though they even can call me if they are triggered now)), lights, me and my guns... With police as a first call, last ditch. Just how fast can they drive 12 or 25 miles or more? And that is fine. I wouldn't want a policemen on every corner of every street of every town. Layers. People miss the notion that, even if police can't save them on a dime, they are generally reliable in tracking down and prosecuting within reason. Most nations have cops that can and do beat you on suspicion of involvement... or if they just want to beat you. We have it pretty good that way.
I don't know how much I can really do. As projects are completed this summer, and maybe a sun oven finally built this summer too, I will know if I have potential or if I am just blowing smoke. It would be nice to slowly improve this and that, upgrade here, probably replace the main electric water heater with a gas one, attach the water lines so I get soft water everywhere, improve the doors and locks, and such. Bit by bit, but to really be moving forward. We will see.
A couple of hours for the first load. I will be washing it again. Some of my shirts have spots and normal washing isn't touching them. High spin, heavy soil, pre-wash, cold-cold, extra rinse... then probably another simple regular wash using cold-cold again though, then a fluff dry (as usual). I can probably only get that one load through tonight. Three and a half hours of washing and an hour in the fluff cycle. I should be able to wash most of the dishes, clean the toilets, and set out something to thaw. If it weren't for food coming in these last few weeks I would not have been eating, again. I really am limited to how much I can do, even just in keeping a kitchen going. Add in two or three or four projects, Mass, Mother's Day, and a social or two and, well, it... I can choke. All good. Life is limping along, perhaps even getting ready to explode a bit.
Friday, May 11, 2012
Not bad.
.
.
I went out to pick and shovel a bit. Even with a huge root to dig out around, and finally chop out, I at least increased the the hole by a third, maybe a half, in fifteen minutes. I will admit the pick makes a huge difference. The hardest part, for me, was shoveling the dirt out. With the hose still leaking heavily much of the dirt turns to mud quickly. It wasn't the weight, my guess is the pick weighs nearly as much as a shovel full of damp dirt. It is the type of action involved. The pick takes upper body action, the shovel requires more bending under load. Still, I was pleased to have moved some dirt. I am glad I got the pick. I may end up needing to use it for a long trench, next summer, to join the two water runs in my home. I don't like not getting soft water in my en suite bathroom. After a couple of weeks of soft water showers I really know what I am missing. So, digging a trench below the frostline and running copper tubing or whatever is recommended (though I don't care so much for plastic, if pricing might require it?) from front to back, then joining the pipe... Yeah, I think so. I am guessing D.C.'s notions of shovel wide and three feet deep would work just fine.
I am planning on doing dishes and a load of laundry or two yet tonight as well. Perhaps digging into the bedroom again too. Although my fears of having missed Church have been allayed, by the neighbor boy. I was thinking today was Saturday. I best see what I have ready to wear for Saturday Mass and helping on Mother's Day. A little respect for God, mothers, and myself. It works out well. It also means I might be able to get some more digging in tomorrow. Oh, I also put out grass seed today, finally. There are areas of my lawn that are just thin. It might be due to the trees. The evergreens definitely have a kill zone for grass, but the others? Hmm, some of the thinness was not around any trees though too. I can't swear that putting out seed will do anything more than sprinkling dirt around would. The neighbor boy thought that two weeks might see results if there will be results. I'm not sure he has it right though. Still the lad tries.
I am hoping a bit more work will see me able to sleep before long. I have grave doubts. I just know Sunday is going to hurt and I am looking for ways to mitigate the pain. The pain will be worth it, if all works out. I might be seen, if not as a standup guy, at least as a guy who is trying to stand up. Start from the start, behind, ahead, or wherever you find yourself. Go from there? Yes, most likely. It's all I can do.
.
I went out to pick and shovel a bit. Even with a huge root to dig out around, and finally chop out, I at least increased the the hole by a third, maybe a half, in fifteen minutes. I will admit the pick makes a huge difference. The hardest part, for me, was shoveling the dirt out. With the hose still leaking heavily much of the dirt turns to mud quickly. It wasn't the weight, my guess is the pick weighs nearly as much as a shovel full of damp dirt. It is the type of action involved. The pick takes upper body action, the shovel requires more bending under load. Still, I was pleased to have moved some dirt. I am glad I got the pick. I may end up needing to use it for a long trench, next summer, to join the two water runs in my home. I don't like not getting soft water in my en suite bathroom. After a couple of weeks of soft water showers I really know what I am missing. So, digging a trench below the frostline and running copper tubing or whatever is recommended (though I don't care so much for plastic, if pricing might require it?) from front to back, then joining the pipe... Yeah, I think so. I am guessing D.C.'s notions of shovel wide and three feet deep would work just fine.
I am planning on doing dishes and a load of laundry or two yet tonight as well. Perhaps digging into the bedroom again too. Although my fears of having missed Church have been allayed, by the neighbor boy. I was thinking today was Saturday. I best see what I have ready to wear for Saturday Mass and helping on Mother's Day. A little respect for God, mothers, and myself. It works out well. It also means I might be able to get some more digging in tomorrow. Oh, I also put out grass seed today, finally. There are areas of my lawn that are just thin. It might be due to the trees. The evergreens definitely have a kill zone for grass, but the others? Hmm, some of the thinness was not around any trees though too. I can't swear that putting out seed will do anything more than sprinkling dirt around would. The neighbor boy thought that two weeks might see results if there will be results. I'm not sure he has it right though. Still the lad tries.
I am hoping a bit more work will see me able to sleep before long. I have grave doubts. I just know Sunday is going to hurt and I am looking for ways to mitigate the pain. The pain will be worth it, if all works out. I might be seen, if not as a standup guy, at least as a guy who is trying to stand up. Start from the start, behind, ahead, or wherever you find yourself. Go from there? Yes, most likely. It's all I can do.
One more thing.
.
.
The other day at Vox's I had commented about women, work, and such. Pretty much I suggested that women are indoctrinated into believing a stay-at-home mom is both slavery and sloth (somehow). People who are indoctrinated do not bother with reason, logic, or definitions. I know that may be a point of contention with any woman I consider. I merely noted that I will be thinking about that as I meet women. I received some interesting feedback, from men and women. But one made me laugh.
Some young self-described stud of an alpha suggested that I not be a pussy. That I this, and that, and the other thing. Why, he just went out and shat a wife out of pure manliness. Or... some such. I laughed so hard I almost shat his wife here. Or... something. That man has no idea what he is in for. If he makes good money or builds up assets, he is going to find his wife... spending that on some other guy in the near future. After a horrendous divorce. Otherwise she will probably just slip away. You don't blindly go from being a bad boy to a good husband. You don't only have alpha tools in a marriage tool box, if he even is alpha. Beyond, he had no idea that it was not women I fear. It is the commitment, honorable real decided commitment to one woman... for the rest of my natural life. My guess is he has had fewer women in his stable than I have had one-night stands. Just something off about his words.
Marriage, a real one, a solid one, one to which I commit myself to honestly, as well, will be the last nail in my... fanciful life as a child. I will not be foot loose and fancy free. If I get to climbing? I can't take the path that I tell others not to take as it is too dangerous. When I go rafting I can't fall in. I have to live for at least one other person, in time people. I can't go where even angels fear to tread. If you have seen Interview With a Vampire, when the lead makes a vampire "mother" for the little girl... and says she has taken the last of his humanity... That is how it feels to me now. God is asking for the final vestiges of my... childhood, fantasy reality, hope for the impossible. I will have to set aside my childhood things. I have no real idea what I will gain, it is merely faith that leads me onward.
No, I just had to laugh. The boy is about to be learned hardwise. Don't play with snakes just because you used to handle dogs. Two very different critters. Bullocks. Still, I actually hope his wife learns him rather than burns him. I do. I'm just not going to hold my breath on that. I know what it took from God and me to get me to even realizing how damn terrifying the prospect is. Heh. Wowuch. It's not even that I'm not a "pussy" about some things. That does not include an aversion to women. If you call me out, call me out right or have a big glass of shut the hell up.
.
The other day at Vox's I had commented about women, work, and such. Pretty much I suggested that women are indoctrinated into believing a stay-at-home mom is both slavery and sloth (somehow). People who are indoctrinated do not bother with reason, logic, or definitions. I know that may be a point of contention with any woman I consider. I merely noted that I will be thinking about that as I meet women. I received some interesting feedback, from men and women. But one made me laugh.
Some young self-described stud of an alpha suggested that I not be a pussy. That I this, and that, and the other thing. Why, he just went out and shat a wife out of pure manliness. Or... some such. I laughed so hard I almost shat his wife here. Or... something. That man has no idea what he is in for. If he makes good money or builds up assets, he is going to find his wife... spending that on some other guy in the near future. After a horrendous divorce. Otherwise she will probably just slip away. You don't blindly go from being a bad boy to a good husband. You don't only have alpha tools in a marriage tool box, if he even is alpha. Beyond, he had no idea that it was not women I fear. It is the commitment, honorable real decided commitment to one woman... for the rest of my natural life. My guess is he has had fewer women in his stable than I have had one-night stands. Just something off about his words.
Marriage, a real one, a solid one, one to which I commit myself to honestly, as well, will be the last nail in my... fanciful life as a child. I will not be foot loose and fancy free. If I get to climbing? I can't take the path that I tell others not to take as it is too dangerous. When I go rafting I can't fall in. I have to live for at least one other person, in time people. I can't go where even angels fear to tread. If you have seen Interview With a Vampire, when the lead makes a vampire "mother" for the little girl... and says she has taken the last of his humanity... That is how it feels to me now. God is asking for the final vestiges of my... childhood, fantasy reality, hope for the impossible. I will have to set aside my childhood things. I have no real idea what I will gain, it is merely faith that leads me onward.
No, I just had to laugh. The boy is about to be learned hardwise. Don't play with snakes just because you used to handle dogs. Two very different critters. Bullocks. Still, I actually hope his wife learns him rather than burns him. I do. I'm just not going to hold my breath on that. I know what it took from God and me to get me to even realizing how damn terrifying the prospect is. Heh. Wowuch. It's not even that I'm not a "pussy" about some things. That does not include an aversion to women. If you call me out, call me out right or have a big glass of shut the hell up.
Today and tomorrow.
.
.
Not so good. I didn't wake until right at 16:00, and only because the neighbor boy stopped by to start watering the lawn. I have no idea when I finally fell asleep. I think I hit it around 7:00 but I didn't sleep for hours afterward. What sleep I did get was quite good. A conflicted mind is not a helpful sleeping aid, so putting things to rights helped a bit. Oh, one prayer isn't going to do it. Neither will a dozen, score, or hundred. Marrying will right up until it doesn't, then there will be the next hurdles. Though, I am guessing, after that the nagging will be on smaller ticket items. Do this, don't do that. Well, and sometimes just helping the wife type or doing for the Church or such. A wife and children will take a lot of what else I can give.
The other day, someone asked me about the Navy. How did he know? I have no idea. Never again volunteer yourself, was my first sputtering about it. Then I suggested that isn't 'xactly a good plan. He was even ahead of me there. Nope, he suggested, because that means you leave yourself open to someone else volunteering you... for what else has to be done. Yep. Pick your poison or it will be chosen for you. I still had a bit of a minor internal hoot over the conversation. Yeah, I did like the Navy. If you weren't smart, or at least clever, you just became a tool. If you were both smart and clever you could, and would, with a bit of elbow grease, climb into the captain's chair. And, yeah, to a degree and in my own way, I had that very design. Even a captain gets paid little. It isn't for the pay, or seeming power (doesn't have much of that either), it would have been just for the climb, to be the technical master of a ship or sub, and to master one's own self on the way. No mean feat starting as a petty officer. Ah well.
I suppose as the truly disabled go, I got there in these circles, all things considered. I make enough to get into a home (if I couldn't have built it). I live somewhat comfortably. I make more than most disabled folk. I have some serious freedoms of choice left to me. Heck, I'm even looking for a serious wife. This isn't the boat I had planned, and I am not yet the master of it in full, but... I'm getting there. Perspective.
Hmm, now to figure out how to be there at 9:00 tomorrow. Should I try to nap later? Probably. Barring that I will have to shove through an all-nighter. I don't think they guys know what they were asking, and I was, sort of, volunteered. I'll... I'll do it. It's going to hurt something awful. My job, beside being there, is to make it look effortless. If I can be there I probably can do that last part. That's why doctors don't believe they have the right charts when interviewing me. I can cover my weaknesses nearly flawlessly, even to their trained eye. But the charts don't lie. I learned very young not to ever show weakness to potential enemies, even to seeming allies, friends, family. Piranha, all people and beasts looking for a chink from which to begin ripping and tearing, feasting. Don't show too much strength, either. That causes fear and group defense mentality. Just be a shadow. That is half of any potential for alpha I might have.
On to... something. Later.
.
Not so good. I didn't wake until right at 16:00, and only because the neighbor boy stopped by to start watering the lawn. I have no idea when I finally fell asleep. I think I hit it around 7:00 but I didn't sleep for hours afterward. What sleep I did get was quite good. A conflicted mind is not a helpful sleeping aid, so putting things to rights helped a bit. Oh, one prayer isn't going to do it. Neither will a dozen, score, or hundred. Marrying will right up until it doesn't, then there will be the next hurdles. Though, I am guessing, after that the nagging will be on smaller ticket items. Do this, don't do that. Well, and sometimes just helping the wife type or doing for the Church or such. A wife and children will take a lot of what else I can give.
The other day, someone asked me about the Navy. How did he know? I have no idea. Never again volunteer yourself, was my first sputtering about it. Then I suggested that isn't 'xactly a good plan. He was even ahead of me there. Nope, he suggested, because that means you leave yourself open to someone else volunteering you... for what else has to be done. Yep. Pick your poison or it will be chosen for you. I still had a bit of a minor internal hoot over the conversation. Yeah, I did like the Navy. If you weren't smart, or at least clever, you just became a tool. If you were both smart and clever you could, and would, with a bit of elbow grease, climb into the captain's chair. And, yeah, to a degree and in my own way, I had that very design. Even a captain gets paid little. It isn't for the pay, or seeming power (doesn't have much of that either), it would have been just for the climb, to be the technical master of a ship or sub, and to master one's own self on the way. No mean feat starting as a petty officer. Ah well.
I suppose as the truly disabled go, I got there in these circles, all things considered. I make enough to get into a home (if I couldn't have built it). I live somewhat comfortably. I make more than most disabled folk. I have some serious freedoms of choice left to me. Heck, I'm even looking for a serious wife. This isn't the boat I had planned, and I am not yet the master of it in full, but... I'm getting there. Perspective.
Hmm, now to figure out how to be there at 9:00 tomorrow. Should I try to nap later? Probably. Barring that I will have to shove through an all-nighter. I don't think they guys know what they were asking, and I was, sort of, volunteered. I'll... I'll do it. It's going to hurt something awful. My job, beside being there, is to make it look effortless. If I can be there I probably can do that last part. That's why doctors don't believe they have the right charts when interviewing me. I can cover my weaknesses nearly flawlessly, even to their trained eye. But the charts don't lie. I learned very young not to ever show weakness to potential enemies, even to seeming allies, friends, family. Piranha, all people and beasts looking for a chink from which to begin ripping and tearing, feasting. Don't show too much strength, either. That causes fear and group defense mentality. Just be a shadow. That is half of any potential for alpha I might have.
On to... something. Later.
A good long prayer.
.
.
I tried to get settled in at about 2:00, or was it 3:00. I hoped to sleep early, and to that end I had no caffeine after... 18:00 or so. When my clock is running well, changing sleep time is nigh on impossible. Sunday morning is going to be brutal. I will be there though. When I was laid down though, I decided to pray, heavily, about, mostly, this one thing, women, marriage, a family. It's all one thing to a degree. I did actively pray but I also just listened for long stretches. Okay, no direct returns. It doesn't always happen quite that way and I didn't honestly expect a deep voice booming from the sky or even internally whispering. Though you never know. What I was doing was letting God know, symbolically, that I am listening. While my ability to keep time is off, I would guess I spent a good half hour, maybe a little longer, at it. No, not that long. But for a space case, yeah, that was good. I will keep that up. As well, I renewed my vow to celibacy until marriage or death. That practice has been slipping, a lot.
While praying another thing came up. You know, I noticed something. I have made everyone in this valley who has met me at all... to very possibly wish me to be dead and consider making it so? Oh? Oh yes. Some get over it, some still hold onto it, others might have completely written me off and try not to remember they knew me. Catholics, Mormon, academics, people who aren't any of those, neighbors, friends, and unmet enemies. Oh well, it doesn't surprise me. That IS my life. I am honestly surprised I wasn't killed as a child. Parents, siblings, enemies, friends, pastors, teachers, girlfriends... It isn't even like I try. It's more like I don't even have to try. I even sometimes mean not to do that, but... I do make light of it, in many ways. And, yes I think it is dearly funny. And, yet, I don't, too, at the same time. If you can't change something, might as well chuckle about it? I actually thought one of my past paramours was going to kill me. I know she was thinking about it, she had plenty of time. I didn't "work it", I just... saw the noose and I was who I was. I think she simply feared that if she wasn't fast enough, and I woke or noticed, she would be in serious trouble. True. But she was a clever girl. Oh, don't even think about it. If you are reading here you have had your ears blister with rage... at me. Directly and unflinchingly at me. I simply say what I think, right or wrong. I don't parse it, cut it, negotiate, or such.
Though I think more locally, sometimes, my seeming lack of effort, or confusion of purpose... gets people angry. Tell someone you are considering marriage and he sets something up (however impossible) and you don't take the bait? Get asked for how to be helped, and not seeing a way to fit paying work into it so keep trying various tasks, and so it looks like you are asking for the sun, moon, and stars? Well, and very strong sense of things religious while having an open door policy? Oh yeah, kill worthy.
I am not sure why people far away or locally keep reading. Some, sure, they actually know me. Hi mom. Others? Just for grins when it isn't their turn at the whipping post? Curiosity? Seeing if I am dead, yet, yet, yet? I dunno. I did speak to God about this too. I don't understand how I can make so many people this angry without any real effort and still be alive. He MUST have a plan. Ah, death on my wedding day? That would be 'special' in the ol' SNL way. My bride to be would kill me, again. Heh. The odd thing is that as much as people hate me, some of them genuinely like, perhaps love, me too. It's a very odd balance I keep. Can you give people personality disorders? *grins* It's not me, I'm perfectly balanced, having the same number of chips on each shoulder.
Anyway. I will continue to pray about the whole woman thing. I don't know what to do about the anger thing. I am leaving myself open to His will, asking for His guidance and instruction, and asking that He lead me neither into temptation nor afoul with the wrong woman. While I never was able to fall asleep I did have a nice little rest there for a bit after. It is far easier to work with God, even tentatively, than to work against Him. He's pretty strong. "Crush you with a blink" comes to mind. He must merely be looking in my general direction if so, but it's enough. Though the truth is it is me who is tearing me apart. Go wrestle with a huge tree or massive boulder, barehanded, if you want a minor example. Yeah, I'll just keep praying. It sure beats nearly stroking out trying to adjust the immovable.
Good night.
.
I tried to get settled in at about 2:00, or was it 3:00. I hoped to sleep early, and to that end I had no caffeine after... 18:00 or so. When my clock is running well, changing sleep time is nigh on impossible. Sunday morning is going to be brutal. I will be there though. When I was laid down though, I decided to pray, heavily, about, mostly, this one thing, women, marriage, a family. It's all one thing to a degree. I did actively pray but I also just listened for long stretches. Okay, no direct returns. It doesn't always happen quite that way and I didn't honestly expect a deep voice booming from the sky or even internally whispering. Though you never know. What I was doing was letting God know, symbolically, that I am listening. While my ability to keep time is off, I would guess I spent a good half hour, maybe a little longer, at it. No, not that long. But for a space case, yeah, that was good. I will keep that up. As well, I renewed my vow to celibacy until marriage or death. That practice has been slipping, a lot.
While praying another thing came up. You know, I noticed something. I have made everyone in this valley who has met me at all... to very possibly wish me to be dead and consider making it so? Oh? Oh yes. Some get over it, some still hold onto it, others might have completely written me off and try not to remember they knew me. Catholics, Mormon, academics, people who aren't any of those, neighbors, friends, and unmet enemies. Oh well, it doesn't surprise me. That IS my life. I am honestly surprised I wasn't killed as a child. Parents, siblings, enemies, friends, pastors, teachers, girlfriends... It isn't even like I try. It's more like I don't even have to try. I even sometimes mean not to do that, but... I do make light of it, in many ways. And, yes I think it is dearly funny. And, yet, I don't, too, at the same time. If you can't change something, might as well chuckle about it? I actually thought one of my past paramours was going to kill me. I know she was thinking about it, she had plenty of time. I didn't "work it", I just... saw the noose and I was who I was. I think she simply feared that if she wasn't fast enough, and I woke or noticed, she would be in serious trouble. True. But she was a clever girl. Oh, don't even think about it. If you are reading here you have had your ears blister with rage... at me. Directly and unflinchingly at me. I simply say what I think, right or wrong. I don't parse it, cut it, negotiate, or such.
Though I think more locally, sometimes, my seeming lack of effort, or confusion of purpose... gets people angry. Tell someone you are considering marriage and he sets something up (however impossible) and you don't take the bait? Get asked for how to be helped, and not seeing a way to fit paying work into it so keep trying various tasks, and so it looks like you are asking for the sun, moon, and stars? Well, and very strong sense of things religious while having an open door policy? Oh yeah, kill worthy.
I am not sure why people far away or locally keep reading. Some, sure, they actually know me. Hi mom. Others? Just for grins when it isn't their turn at the whipping post? Curiosity? Seeing if I am dead, yet, yet, yet? I dunno. I did speak to God about this too. I don't understand how I can make so many people this angry without any real effort and still be alive. He MUST have a plan. Ah, death on my wedding day? That would be 'special' in the ol' SNL way. My bride to be would kill me, again. Heh. The odd thing is that as much as people hate me, some of them genuinely like, perhaps love, me too. It's a very odd balance I keep. Can you give people personality disorders? *grins* It's not me, I'm perfectly balanced, having the same number of chips on each shoulder.
Anyway. I will continue to pray about the whole woman thing. I don't know what to do about the anger thing. I am leaving myself open to His will, asking for His guidance and instruction, and asking that He lead me neither into temptation nor afoul with the wrong woman. While I never was able to fall asleep I did have a nice little rest there for a bit after. It is far easier to work with God, even tentatively, than to work against Him. He's pretty strong. "Crush you with a blink" comes to mind. He must merely be looking in my general direction if so, but it's enough. Though the truth is it is me who is tearing me apart. Go wrestle with a huge tree or massive boulder, barehanded, if you want a minor example. Yeah, I'll just keep praying. It sure beats nearly stroking out trying to adjust the immovable.
Good night.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Too much.
.
.
I've got five personal projects, digging the rest of the hole and doing that faucet, a new water heater, the other (new) outdoor water faucet, the chicken coop roof, and tree trimming, at least. I just took care of three other projects. The jobs left all are rather involved, some with a good deal of work or new things I will have to learn to proceed. Beyond that, my home needs a lot more than a lick and a spit. Dishes to laundry to vacuuming, sweeping, and mopping. I am trying to step up both attendance and involvement with the KoC, which I may have succeeded at, in at least taking a first step. Beyond that I have some personal relationships to attend, which I am sort of keeping up on.
That isn't enough. Have you ever heard someone on the phone who is somehow visibly angry? Yeah, well, I have. The missionaries came tonight. They want me to move faster on this or that so I had to set them straight. Simply put I am doing 60 by my gauges. I am literally doing all that I can and it isn't nearly enough, with a backlog you cannot believe. In the real world that is less than the speed of a bike. My priest wants me in the pews more often. The KoC wants me to show up and help out. I have my own things to do. God is pushing for me to marry it seems, and really I have been roiling about that for, actually, more like six months now. My how time flies. And yet, on any given day, I can't even do more than sit here. Heck, I haven't even gotten any gaming in for... a month? Longer? I love to game, I just haven't had time in spite of being late, missing this, stalling on that, but still doing bits and pieces. A snail on the Autobahn, I think that is how I put it. And, no, I don't feel guilt, save for not being to Church often enough, which I do confess regarding. Oh, that is the other thing, I can't track time. I make plans for Church, or visiting my friend, and... I end up an half hour to three hours late. I don't know where the time went today. I could have sworn I was moving like the wind. And, for me, I was. I really thought I was going to make it. I still don't know how I could possibly have simply lost an hour? Argh! An hour? I was moving along, took my shower right after blogging, got dressed, with 45 minutes to do that, and was an hour late? How? How? Bah!
All good though. I will make some people mad. Actually the more I do the more angry someone, somewhere, will be. Some things weren't meant to be. I won't fit with the guys that build bridges out of thin air with hopes and dreams and somehow make that work. I won't be liked by guys who get it done every time and on time. I am a leader, if I could just stand up. The only thing I am actually good at, probably still, is fighting. Not much call for that and I would rather not do it myself. I say "all good" because I want to try and do more. Being up to my neck in projects, efforts, personal matters, and whatever else might see me to more. Much like engineering school, if I could only do that part time and then had nothing left for almost anything else. At least in engineering school, if I missed a month (if only taking 3 classes at a time) I could still manage to get a B on midterms with three days of insane study. That doesn't work in the real world, at all, though. I actually would still go if I had the money, just... part time. But on my own nickle only since I never will work. With enough knowledge I might tinker. Who knows what a tinkerer could come up with.
On the other hand, I made someone very happy. I still don't know what I did, said, or perhaps wrote. I still don't know who reads here but I know when I meet them sometimes. Of course it might just be incidental, I merely have a suspicion based on action. When you watch someone... all but skip... when you show up... you wonder. Ah, and I figured out the terms needed to help someone else with a question they had. Such little things can make life much more interesting. Sometimes helping one helps two.
Tomorrow will see me with work clothes, a pick, an axe, and a shovel out doing some work. I also bought a drill bit an extension for the bit that will work to create a hole for the piping to a faucet on the other side of my home, along the driveway. I'm actually going to try something different that way. I am hoping to make a connection both before and after the water softener, with valves and an y-arrangement of pipe, so that if I am washing my vehicle I can use the soft water but if I choose to wash general grunge or water plants I can use unsalted water. That project will probably wait until the faucet I have is fitted, the on suite bathroom is back in play, and the chicken coop is roofed. I really need to pick and chop tomorrow. I have a lot of dirt to dig. Church Saturday? That's my other goal. Other than that I may just shut down for the weekend, if I keep trying to get to bed earlier or whatever it takes to switch my days and nights around. Oh, wait, I said I would be there to help with the Mother's Day brunch... 9:00 sharp, or maybe a bit earlier. I'll be there if it kills me. I have been failing, in all ways, with that. Oh, I would like to talk with the other 4th degrees and check about carpooling to those meetings. Bah! Still, this is what I want, what I feel called to do. I bought a house, joined the Church, and entered the KoC and moved up in there... to... do. It is really what I want. If the Holy Spirit did pull and push... a lot.
As little as those things sound, and they are, they are huge to me. That is Olympic level for me. I have zero doubt it will take every bit of will and effort I can muster to do each and every thing on that list by summer's end, if that is even possible. My diastolic bp came down by about 10 points if my systolic remains unchanged. I'll be checking that off and on through the week. I do hope that... comes down. At 205/124... it's a bit high. I keep wondering if something will pop. It won't. Trust me. I'm not even redlining, somehow.
Later, good night if I can.
.
I've got five personal projects, digging the rest of the hole and doing that faucet, a new water heater, the other (new) outdoor water faucet, the chicken coop roof, and tree trimming, at least. I just took care of three other projects. The jobs left all are rather involved, some with a good deal of work or new things I will have to learn to proceed. Beyond that, my home needs a lot more than a lick and a spit. Dishes to laundry to vacuuming, sweeping, and mopping. I am trying to step up both attendance and involvement with the KoC, which I may have succeeded at, in at least taking a first step. Beyond that I have some personal relationships to attend, which I am sort of keeping up on.
That isn't enough. Have you ever heard someone on the phone who is somehow visibly angry? Yeah, well, I have. The missionaries came tonight. They want me to move faster on this or that so I had to set them straight. Simply put I am doing 60 by my gauges. I am literally doing all that I can and it isn't nearly enough, with a backlog you cannot believe. In the real world that is less than the speed of a bike. My priest wants me in the pews more often. The KoC wants me to show up and help out. I have my own things to do. God is pushing for me to marry it seems, and really I have been roiling about that for, actually, more like six months now. My how time flies. And yet, on any given day, I can't even do more than sit here. Heck, I haven't even gotten any gaming in for... a month? Longer? I love to game, I just haven't had time in spite of being late, missing this, stalling on that, but still doing bits and pieces. A snail on the Autobahn, I think that is how I put it. And, no, I don't feel guilt, save for not being to Church often enough, which I do confess regarding. Oh, that is the other thing, I can't track time. I make plans for Church, or visiting my friend, and... I end up an half hour to three hours late. I don't know where the time went today. I could have sworn I was moving like the wind. And, for me, I was. I really thought I was going to make it. I still don't know how I could possibly have simply lost an hour? Argh! An hour? I was moving along, took my shower right after blogging, got dressed, with 45 minutes to do that, and was an hour late? How? How? Bah!
All good though. I will make some people mad. Actually the more I do the more angry someone, somewhere, will be. Some things weren't meant to be. I won't fit with the guys that build bridges out of thin air with hopes and dreams and somehow make that work. I won't be liked by guys who get it done every time and on time. I am a leader, if I could just stand up. The only thing I am actually good at, probably still, is fighting. Not much call for that and I would rather not do it myself. I say "all good" because I want to try and do more. Being up to my neck in projects, efforts, personal matters, and whatever else might see me to more. Much like engineering school, if I could only do that part time and then had nothing left for almost anything else. At least in engineering school, if I missed a month (if only taking 3 classes at a time) I could still manage to get a B on midterms with three days of insane study. That doesn't work in the real world, at all, though. I actually would still go if I had the money, just... part time. But on my own nickle only since I never will work. With enough knowledge I might tinker. Who knows what a tinkerer could come up with.
On the other hand, I made someone very happy. I still don't know what I did, said, or perhaps wrote. I still don't know who reads here but I know when I meet them sometimes. Of course it might just be incidental, I merely have a suspicion based on action. When you watch someone... all but skip... when you show up... you wonder. Ah, and I figured out the terms needed to help someone else with a question they had. Such little things can make life much more interesting. Sometimes helping one helps two.
Tomorrow will see me with work clothes, a pick, an axe, and a shovel out doing some work. I also bought a drill bit an extension for the bit that will work to create a hole for the piping to a faucet on the other side of my home, along the driveway. I'm actually going to try something different that way. I am hoping to make a connection both before and after the water softener, with valves and an y-arrangement of pipe, so that if I am washing my vehicle I can use the soft water but if I choose to wash general grunge or water plants I can use unsalted water. That project will probably wait until the faucet I have is fitted, the on suite bathroom is back in play, and the chicken coop is roofed. I really need to pick and chop tomorrow. I have a lot of dirt to dig. Church Saturday? That's my other goal. Other than that I may just shut down for the weekend, if I keep trying to get to bed earlier or whatever it takes to switch my days and nights around. Oh, wait, I said I would be there to help with the Mother's Day brunch... 9:00 sharp, or maybe a bit earlier. I'll be there if it kills me. I have been failing, in all ways, with that. Oh, I would like to talk with the other 4th degrees and check about carpooling to those meetings. Bah! Still, this is what I want, what I feel called to do. I bought a house, joined the Church, and entered the KoC and moved up in there... to... do. It is really what I want. If the Holy Spirit did pull and push... a lot.
As little as those things sound, and they are, they are huge to me. That is Olympic level for me. I have zero doubt it will take every bit of will and effort I can muster to do each and every thing on that list by summer's end, if that is even possible. My diastolic bp came down by about 10 points if my systolic remains unchanged. I'll be checking that off and on through the week. I do hope that... comes down. At 205/124... it's a bit high. I keep wondering if something will pop. It won't. Trust me. I'm not even redlining, somehow.
Later, good night if I can.
Bits and pieces.
.
.
Yeah, I got everything on my list, did what I meant to do, and brought my friend along. He likes to window shop. And... there is always another thing or two he might like. I like shopping with him because you never know what he might be up to. Oh, he knows what he is about. Sometimes he shares it right off, sometimes he just likes to look, sometimes it surprises him. *pop* Oh, yeah. Going into the hardware store with him is the same as when me and a pal used to enter the candy store when we were kids. Ooh, look at that hammer! Hmm, chisels! Now THAT is a torque wrench. Even grocery shopping isn't bad, but I bet his sister is far better at that. We just get... easy good eats.
I tried the pick when I got home. I bought a five pounder as I found the other one, at half the weight, was... insufficient. For me, it makes no difference whether the pick is five or two and a half pounds. It is the time I use, up to some unknown but much higher weight, that will tell me when I am done. I also bought an axe and had to use that on a four to five inch root already. It cuts really well. I have yet to try the plungers and snake. My toilet will slowly drain, the one that has water still too it, but it won't technically flush. Not so good. I bought two different kinds of plungers. I made sure the snake can be wound, rather than to have to pull it and shove the line back into the box. Who knows how long that will continue to work. I did make sure it worked as advertised before leaving the store. Some things I simply have to buy locally, unless I know something works right off the bat.
About the Holy Spirit doing the changing? Yeah, that's about right. And, yet, I know there is only so much that can happen. Shortly after reading the comment I had a mind flash. I return home from something and the house is a mess (well, it is now, but... you know). And so I start yammering at the woman type. She tells me she has been busy, and it really sounds like it. Real things just came up. So, I offer to put my hands to it and I get started. She says something about something and I just say, "Because I still haven't gotten passed your boobs", as I watch them sway. Yeah, none of it is connected, but I still haven't gotten over boobs and probably never will. And, I still won't always know what she is saying, in part because of that. Oh, and I will still say what I say and probably do most of what I do, mostly. Yeah, even the Holy Spirit has limits. Although, in my little daydream, I did end up getting lucky with the wife type. Just... saying, again. Hey, it was an official Church sanctioned lucky, so hush it.
Well, on to a few things. I plan on using the pick tomorrow. I don't have anything else planned. I'm a bit low from the travel, shopping in four stores, and all the rest for now. It's getting hot, it said 72 F but even the little city always seems 10 F or more above air temps. Same temps out where I live feels just slightly cooler than air temps, for now. I did a first today. I went to a store to... ask for food donations for a charity. I didn't stammer, yammer, hee, or haw either. The guy I need to speak with isn't in until Monday, but is sounds like a probable positive. I had no idea grocers have quarterly... charity loads. Interesting. Now to keep up the follow-up.
Have a great day.
.
Yeah, I got everything on my list, did what I meant to do, and brought my friend along. He likes to window shop. And... there is always another thing or two he might like. I like shopping with him because you never know what he might be up to. Oh, he knows what he is about. Sometimes he shares it right off, sometimes he just likes to look, sometimes it surprises him. *pop* Oh, yeah. Going into the hardware store with him is the same as when me and a pal used to enter the candy store when we were kids. Ooh, look at that hammer! Hmm, chisels! Now THAT is a torque wrench. Even grocery shopping isn't bad, but I bet his sister is far better at that. We just get... easy good eats.
I tried the pick when I got home. I bought a five pounder as I found the other one, at half the weight, was... insufficient. For me, it makes no difference whether the pick is five or two and a half pounds. It is the time I use, up to some unknown but much higher weight, that will tell me when I am done. I also bought an axe and had to use that on a four to five inch root already. It cuts really well. I have yet to try the plungers and snake. My toilet will slowly drain, the one that has water still too it, but it won't technically flush. Not so good. I bought two different kinds of plungers. I made sure the snake can be wound, rather than to have to pull it and shove the line back into the box. Who knows how long that will continue to work. I did make sure it worked as advertised before leaving the store. Some things I simply have to buy locally, unless I know something works right off the bat.
About the Holy Spirit doing the changing? Yeah, that's about right. And, yet, I know there is only so much that can happen. Shortly after reading the comment I had a mind flash. I return home from something and the house is a mess (well, it is now, but... you know). And so I start yammering at the woman type. She tells me she has been busy, and it really sounds like it. Real things just came up. So, I offer to put my hands to it and I get started. She says something about something and I just say, "Because I still haven't gotten passed your boobs", as I watch them sway. Yeah, none of it is connected, but I still haven't gotten over boobs and probably never will. And, I still won't always know what she is saying, in part because of that. Oh, and I will still say what I say and probably do most of what I do, mostly. Yeah, even the Holy Spirit has limits. Although, in my little daydream, I did end up getting lucky with the wife type. Just... saying, again. Hey, it was an official Church sanctioned lucky, so hush it.
Well, on to a few things. I plan on using the pick tomorrow. I don't have anything else planned. I'm a bit low from the travel, shopping in four stores, and all the rest for now. It's getting hot, it said 72 F but even the little city always seems 10 F or more above air temps. Same temps out where I live feels just slightly cooler than air temps, for now. I did a first today. I went to a store to... ask for food donations for a charity. I didn't stammer, yammer, hee, or haw either. The guy I need to speak with isn't in until Monday, but is sounds like a probable positive. I had no idea grocers have quarterly... charity loads. Interesting. Now to keep up the follow-up.
Have a great day.
Finally.
.
.
I did put my medicine together yesterday and took my first full load. And my second day on it has started. I need more aspirin but everything else looks to be in good order. I will probably call in a resupply of some things... soon. I could put in at least another two weeks, but... considering how slow I am with things, how often I forget, just best get on that.
A shower then a trip to town. My friend called to see what I was doing. Yep, I'll be taking him along. He just bought new scales. The cheaper one he bought simply... When you go dirt cheap on some things it just doesn't pay. Oh, I know. I've done it too. It would get to, say, 4.9 grains... then no matter how fast, slow, or carefuly you loaded, it would never hit 5.0 grains (for example). It wouldn't show another number until you hit 5.1 or 5.2 grains. An odd flaw, even for cheap.
So, today, plunger, 25' snake (auger), hair goo, and to the store to speak with a manager for my part. And then whatever my friend wants, though I would like to be home as quickly as possible. I want to get that pick going. And, feeling better, if the pick work doesn't break me, to the darned room. The medicine, or the confidence the medicine might bring, might just be what was needed. I'll check my bp in about 15 minutes, then a shower, shave, and into town. Though spitting out what has been rumbling through my mind for the last month helped a bit too.
Oh, I'm still wrestling with God. He will need a breather before long. Heh. He sure asks hard things of men, gets right personal too. I had thought that avoiding low hanging fruit and mostly keeping my mind off women as much as possible would... be good enough. And no matter what you believe, I've passed up nearly a half a dozen... opportunities. They would only have ever been lovers, which... is exactly what not to do as I believe He sees things. But just not doing is not enough. You also have to do the right thing. And, yes, despite what some psychologist might try to tell you... there is right and there is wrong, there is action and there is inaction which can be one of those. Right in your business. That's all I'm saying. Since I know He reads this blog. :p I suppose my question to God come down to, how do I change what I am into what He wants me to be without... oh, say... an aneurism or stroke... or partial lobotomy? Bah, getting nauseated thinking about it. I best get going.
Later.
.
I did put my medicine together yesterday and took my first full load. And my second day on it has started. I need more aspirin but everything else looks to be in good order. I will probably call in a resupply of some things... soon. I could put in at least another two weeks, but... considering how slow I am with things, how often I forget, just best get on that.
A shower then a trip to town. My friend called to see what I was doing. Yep, I'll be taking him along. He just bought new scales. The cheaper one he bought simply... When you go dirt cheap on some things it just doesn't pay. Oh, I know. I've done it too. It would get to, say, 4.9 grains... then no matter how fast, slow, or carefuly you loaded, it would never hit 5.0 grains (for example). It wouldn't show another number until you hit 5.1 or 5.2 grains. An odd flaw, even for cheap.
So, today, plunger, 25' snake (auger), hair goo, and to the store to speak with a manager for my part. And then whatever my friend wants, though I would like to be home as quickly as possible. I want to get that pick going. And, feeling better, if the pick work doesn't break me, to the darned room. The medicine, or the confidence the medicine might bring, might just be what was needed. I'll check my bp in about 15 minutes, then a shower, shave, and into town. Though spitting out what has been rumbling through my mind for the last month helped a bit too.
Oh, I'm still wrestling with God. He will need a breather before long. Heh. He sure asks hard things of men, gets right personal too. I had thought that avoiding low hanging fruit and mostly keeping my mind off women as much as possible would... be good enough. And no matter what you believe, I've passed up nearly a half a dozen... opportunities. They would only have ever been lovers, which... is exactly what not to do as I believe He sees things. But just not doing is not enough. You also have to do the right thing. And, yes, despite what some psychologist might try to tell you... there is right and there is wrong, there is action and there is inaction which can be one of those. Right in your business. That's all I'm saying. Since I know He reads this blog. :p I suppose my question to God come down to, how do I change what I am into what He wants me to be without... oh, say... an aneurism or stroke... or partial lobotomy? Bah, getting nauseated thinking about it. I best get going.
Later.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Sidetracked a bit.
.
.
Some neighbor boys were digging the hole, for the new water faucet out back. I didn't hear them, or know they were here, until one of them asked for something. He wanted a tape measure the first time. The next time he wanted a smaller shovel. Either I was still half asleep or he didn't ask the question quite right as it ended up that he was asking for something else entirely. In any case, I went out and was seeing how that was going. Oh yes, that is going to be as big of a job as I had feared. Tree roots, albeit smaller ones, have infused the area of the dig. At about a foot and a half deep now, and maybe three feet wide at the top (tapering down to maybe a foot wide at the base of the hole), with the vertical pipe not even seeming a bit wobbly, I am guessing another foot more of digging and three to four times the diameter yet to dig, plus another eight inches to a foot below that for gravel, I was right to know this job was way out of my ability. When they finished I put water in the hole, and me and one of the boys cut into the sides of hole to maybe let some soaking action loosen the dirt a bit. And, when I finally get into town I will get a pick and maybe an axe. I'm a bit nervous about them with those, so I will get on some of that tomorrow. There are rocks, but it's not as bad as I had thought. Still, it is very hard soil, and the roots... Then I had dinner arrive, so...
Now to get a shower and into town. A pick, an axe... I had thought about a pickax, but I just... I haven't seen one that I think would be sufficient. I'll look that all over. I believe I have files to keep the axe sharp, if I don't know what I am doing thataway really. There is the internet. Oh, and a stop at the store to ask the manager a question. It is a bit late for the other things I had on schedule, though I might see if my friend would like to go along for a ride. Just getting out is good. Perhaps he would like to do some shopping of his own at the hardware or grocery store. His sister has been taking care of his grocery shopping, getting him out once a week or more herself, but sometimes something was overlooked, or something has come up on the old food hunger radar. And milk is sometimes hard to keep on hand if you buy a gallon at a time. That is why I buy three gallons per trip.
I'm feeling really funky after a night of tossing and turning. My back feels out, a slight feverishness from that, I don't feel rested, and my body is just generally grumpy if my mood is okay. Wrestling with God is no light duty. Hmm, something I will do right now, I think, is set up my medicine. I HAVE to get on that. Yep, a quarter dose of the heavy stuff, half dose of another of the three, and vitamins. That should do for now, after occasional consideration, then forgetting to follow through with that, I know what to put in and start on. Next load will see me up to half of all of my medicines. In two weeks I should be ready for it. If not another two weeks. Oh, I'll... get to it. But meds, started, now. Then a shower, shopping, and back home. Maybe it will tire me enough to sleep rightly tonight.
Oh, I did see a comment regarding marriage that I thought... sort of... put things in a way that helped me know other men have some understanding. At least I think it was a man.
There is no doubt some wonderful women out there. Just as there is no doubt a man only has 1 in 6 chances to die playing russian roulette.
Good afternoon.
.
Some neighbor boys were digging the hole, for the new water faucet out back. I didn't hear them, or know they were here, until one of them asked for something. He wanted a tape measure the first time. The next time he wanted a smaller shovel. Either I was still half asleep or he didn't ask the question quite right as it ended up that he was asking for something else entirely. In any case, I went out and was seeing how that was going. Oh yes, that is going to be as big of a job as I had feared. Tree roots, albeit smaller ones, have infused the area of the dig. At about a foot and a half deep now, and maybe three feet wide at the top (tapering down to maybe a foot wide at the base of the hole), with the vertical pipe not even seeming a bit wobbly, I am guessing another foot more of digging and three to four times the diameter yet to dig, plus another eight inches to a foot below that for gravel, I was right to know this job was way out of my ability. When they finished I put water in the hole, and me and one of the boys cut into the sides of hole to maybe let some soaking action loosen the dirt a bit. And, when I finally get into town I will get a pick and maybe an axe. I'm a bit nervous about them with those, so I will get on some of that tomorrow. There are rocks, but it's not as bad as I had thought. Still, it is very hard soil, and the roots... Then I had dinner arrive, so...
Now to get a shower and into town. A pick, an axe... I had thought about a pickax, but I just... I haven't seen one that I think would be sufficient. I'll look that all over. I believe I have files to keep the axe sharp, if I don't know what I am doing thataway really. There is the internet. Oh, and a stop at the store to ask the manager a question. It is a bit late for the other things I had on schedule, though I might see if my friend would like to go along for a ride. Just getting out is good. Perhaps he would like to do some shopping of his own at the hardware or grocery store. His sister has been taking care of his grocery shopping, getting him out once a week or more herself, but sometimes something was overlooked, or something has come up on the old food hunger radar. And milk is sometimes hard to keep on hand if you buy a gallon at a time. That is why I buy three gallons per trip.
I'm feeling really funky after a night of tossing and turning. My back feels out, a slight feverishness from that, I don't feel rested, and my body is just generally grumpy if my mood is okay. Wrestling with God is no light duty. Hmm, something I will do right now, I think, is set up my medicine. I HAVE to get on that. Yep, a quarter dose of the heavy stuff, half dose of another of the three, and vitamins. That should do for now, after occasional consideration, then forgetting to follow through with that, I know what to put in and start on. Next load will see me up to half of all of my medicines. In two weeks I should be ready for it. If not another two weeks. Oh, I'll... get to it. But meds, started, now. Then a shower, shopping, and back home. Maybe it will tire me enough to sleep rightly tonight.
Oh, I did see a comment regarding marriage that I thought... sort of... put things in a way that helped me know other men have some understanding. At least I think it was a man.
There is no doubt some wonderful women out there. Just as there is no doubt a man only has 1 in 6 chances to die playing russian roulette.
Good afternoon.
Midnight blatherings, come and gone.
.
.
I still feel conflicted about it all. It seems to me to be a very unnatural thing. To me. Marriage. It is just so different from anything I have ever known. Learn how to walk, ride a bicycle, go down stairs, and such backwards. Or walk around with noise blockers or a blindfold. A lover often just happens, marriage has to be a goal. A lover doesn't have to be "mother approved". Better, a lover should almost never meet mother. Bah.
Heck, I have some things to do. I didn't get to bed until way early this morning. I am just climbing out of bed. But I was asked to do something in town, and have some other things to do there as well. A quick shower and off I must go. Yeah, no, there is no time to shovel. I'm not sure I am up for it anyway. Even when I got to sleep I never did find the "sweet spot". I tumbled, rolled, kicked, and grumbled all night long. This has been how my nights go when trouble is on my mind.
Have a good one anyway.
.
I still feel conflicted about it all. It seems to me to be a very unnatural thing. To me. Marriage. It is just so different from anything I have ever known. Learn how to walk, ride a bicycle, go down stairs, and such backwards. Or walk around with noise blockers or a blindfold. A lover often just happens, marriage has to be a goal. A lover doesn't have to be "mother approved". Better, a lover should almost never meet mother. Bah.
Heck, I have some things to do. I didn't get to bed until way early this morning. I am just climbing out of bed. But I was asked to do something in town, and have some other things to do there as well. A quick shower and off I must go. Yeah, no, there is no time to shovel. I'm not sure I am up for it anyway. Even when I got to sleep I never did find the "sweet spot". I tumbled, rolled, kicked, and grumbled all night long. This has been how my nights go when trouble is on my mind.
Have a good one anyway.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Okay.
.
.
In spite of an email and phone call I still almost missed the meeting tonight. Operative word? Almost. Actually I was the first one there. I have a job I can handle tomorrow, too. And, I am possibly going to move to another position, having utterly failed in my previous position. Never mind, just... I have to get something going. This doing nothing is for the birds. I won't say my failures are completely operator error. And they will happen no matter what I do, sometimes, perhaps often. But I have to do something more, to dig out, get unstuck, push, shove. I have things to do.
While I am in town tomorrow, doing my task, I have other things I can fit in. But, when I can pull myself out of bed and after spending a bit of time waking up, I plan to get to some digging. I plan to dig out my outside water faucet, down to the elbow connecting it to the main waterline. If it is really harsh, I'll do what I can, though perhaps pick up a pick while in town. I messed around out there before, and I do believe there is either mesh around the area or the soil is harsh. We will see.
Then, tomorrow night, I will finish clearing my bedroom come hell or high water. I have to... do something. I can't let this body beat me. It has been. The cold doesn't help? Then shower, turn up the heat, make some hot coffee or hot cocoa. Is the body too tired? Then let it sleep a little longer, or get up to work out some kinks if you can't go right back to sleep, sleep when you can, until you can work. I won't tell you this is going to be easy. It will hurt at times. It may even lay me up, as history shows. I just... can't... I've got to get going! Argh! Ugh! Okay, I won't say what was coming next. I won't live like this a moment longer, for now.
I've got a lot of things I need to get on. No, I will never be Superman, I won't even be Batman if I might feel like him after one of his more harrowing fights with almost one too many bad guys after a week or two of work. I won't even be Jim the barber down the street. What I am, however, is what I got and it ain't going to get better. Best use it before it gets ripe! Hmm, well, before it gets ripeR. Ha!
I'm going to try to hit it early. I want to be working before 11:00 (10:00-10:30 at the latest, but 9:00 would be fineR) and to town by 14:00. I've got a life to try and piece together. No one needs me, but perhaps some people could use me? And I need to try to stop being a burden. Put those two 'lenses' together and I might get do more than visualize. Oh, I see. Yeah... I do. My reward? Swimming next Monday and a hike over the weekend. Yes, those are rewards.
Good night.
.
In spite of an email and phone call I still almost missed the meeting tonight. Operative word? Almost. Actually I was the first one there. I have a job I can handle tomorrow, too. And, I am possibly going to move to another position, having utterly failed in my previous position. Never mind, just... I have to get something going. This doing nothing is for the birds. I won't say my failures are completely operator error. And they will happen no matter what I do, sometimes, perhaps often. But I have to do something more, to dig out, get unstuck, push, shove. I have things to do.
While I am in town tomorrow, doing my task, I have other things I can fit in. But, when I can pull myself out of bed and after spending a bit of time waking up, I plan to get to some digging. I plan to dig out my outside water faucet, down to the elbow connecting it to the main waterline. If it is really harsh, I'll do what I can, though perhaps pick up a pick while in town. I messed around out there before, and I do believe there is either mesh around the area or the soil is harsh. We will see.
Then, tomorrow night, I will finish clearing my bedroom come hell or high water. I have to... do something. I can't let this body beat me. It has been. The cold doesn't help? Then shower, turn up the heat, make some hot coffee or hot cocoa. Is the body too tired? Then let it sleep a little longer, or get up to work out some kinks if you can't go right back to sleep, sleep when you can, until you can work. I won't tell you this is going to be easy. It will hurt at times. It may even lay me up, as history shows. I just... can't... I've got to get going! Argh! Ugh! Okay, I won't say what was coming next. I won't live like this a moment longer, for now.
I've got a lot of things I need to get on. No, I will never be Superman, I won't even be Batman if I might feel like him after one of his more harrowing fights with almost one too many bad guys after a week or two of work. I won't even be Jim the barber down the street. What I am, however, is what I got and it ain't going to get better. Best use it before it gets ripe! Hmm, well, before it gets ripeR. Ha!
I'm going to try to hit it early. I want to be working before 11:00 (10:00-10:30 at the latest, but 9:00 would be fineR) and to town by 14:00. I've got a life to try and piece together. No one needs me, but perhaps some people could use me? And I need to try to stop being a burden. Put those two 'lenses' together and I might get do more than visualize. Oh, I see. Yeah... I do. My reward? Swimming next Monday and a hike over the weekend. Yes, those are rewards.
Good night.
Operator error?
.
.
I just don't seem to be able to get my feet under me. Oh, I go and do a bit hoping that seed of effort will bloom into more than idiocy. Somehow, before almost any time, I find myself right back here, writing words, reading what I can, and laughing and cringing at a world gone mad. I'm not really addicted to the net, I'm simply not able to keep my focus on anything. Sure, that could be a sign of addiction, if you believe in pop, and some real, psychology. Going without the net, games, or such just leads to more sleep. I would at least like to be conscious more than not. So, here I sit. Refusing to sleep until... later.
I did look over plungers and a snake. I simply don't see the plungers I like locally. Online I see a few that are possibly good, if there is only one way to be sure. What you often find at stores are things that shouldn't be sold even as novelties. They make a huge mess to no good ends. Of the two I bought, just to have something, anything, one has already broken despite offering almost no real suction power. The handle and plunger itself became detached in such a way that the whole doesn't function. At least I was able to get the handle to screw back in enough to remove the thing. Garbage. As for the snake, it depends on where you look. And, don't use snake as your search reference, use auger, then maybe sift the search to bathroom or plumbing. My guess is I can buy one of those locally and be more sure about the purchase, if I might pay a bit more.
I keep looking outside. It does look good. I want to go. But it is much as it is with work. The look, the thought, then... here I sit. I suppose it is better than becoming comfortable with the cage I find myself stuck in. At some point that may be true, but not for decades, or longer, if I live that long. I do enjoy working, I do enjoy getting out, I like people, many people, if I can handle the others just fine too in most situation. Well, there is something I am going to try and make. Yes there is. But I need to hurry.
Later.
.
I just don't seem to be able to get my feet under me. Oh, I go and do a bit hoping that seed of effort will bloom into more than idiocy. Somehow, before almost any time, I find myself right back here, writing words, reading what I can, and laughing and cringing at a world gone mad. I'm not really addicted to the net, I'm simply not able to keep my focus on anything. Sure, that could be a sign of addiction, if you believe in pop, and some real, psychology. Going without the net, games, or such just leads to more sleep. I would at least like to be conscious more than not. So, here I sit. Refusing to sleep until... later.
I did look over plungers and a snake. I simply don't see the plungers I like locally. Online I see a few that are possibly good, if there is only one way to be sure. What you often find at stores are things that shouldn't be sold even as novelties. They make a huge mess to no good ends. Of the two I bought, just to have something, anything, one has already broken despite offering almost no real suction power. The handle and plunger itself became detached in such a way that the whole doesn't function. At least I was able to get the handle to screw back in enough to remove the thing. Garbage. As for the snake, it depends on where you look. And, don't use snake as your search reference, use auger, then maybe sift the search to bathroom or plumbing. My guess is I can buy one of those locally and be more sure about the purchase, if I might pay a bit more.
I keep looking outside. It does look good. I want to go. But it is much as it is with work. The look, the thought, then... here I sit. I suppose it is better than becoming comfortable with the cage I find myself stuck in. At some point that may be true, but not for decades, or longer, if I live that long. I do enjoy working, I do enjoy getting out, I like people, many people, if I can handle the others just fine too in most situation. Well, there is something I am going to try and make. Yes there is. But I need to hurry.
Later.
Up at a reasonable hour.
.
.
With the givens at hand. I woke a bit before I actually woke and before the alarms went off, though I can't quite tell you when. Something about floating back teeth. I had set the alarms for 12:00 and 13:00. As I came back to bed I really didn't want to mess with alarms, so I turned them off. I woke just a bit past 13:00 anyway. You would almost think I plan these things sometimes. Nope. For me, seven or eight hours is the perfect amount of sleep, unless I have been shorting myself too much, too often, then a few days of ten hours (to my mind) would be best (if in those cases I usually end up sleeping twelve hours rather than what I think would be ideal). The truth is, when it comes to sleep, I have little control. If my body demands sleep no alarm or emergency can shake it.
I know I have been dreaming lately. I think the dreams have been fairly interesting, good dreams. I just can't remember them when I wake, even if I happen to wake shortly after the dream. I just getting a passing sense that something good, or fun, just happened. While I prefer to remember dreams, some dreams I would rather have stay locked out of memory. The dreams where I feel just as tired when waking as if I had not slept are among those. Life is a grabbag though and you never know what you will pull from the hat.
I feel a little run down today, still. Hmm, opening the curtains might offer relief from that. At least it lets in a little sun, and mountain views.
I read a blog post having something to do with human speech today. Something about 400k years ago and an enhanced nerve bundle hole through the skull from the brain to the tongue, give or take. I buy the latter, not the former. Old humanoids were not human and I have great doubts, at best, about evolutionary theory as it stands. Apes were not hairy men wanting to walk straight and tall. The missing link is God. Just... saying. Still, I thought about it. I realize I am a prolific writer and speaker. My problem is I honestly have no real advice, nothing to say, what I have seen was seen through the eyes of someone who knows little, just a lot of words that just flow out of me. Like a sprinkle on the ocean, my words are just... there, then not. Oh, sure, I can craft them a bit to almost look like something. But it is merely for entertainment purposes, and mostly they entertain me only. If someone else gets a chuckle, or even a snort of derision, that is fine too. I suppose. Like a monkey locked in a cage, the rest of the world is merely... peripheral. Or... something. Oh don't get all depressed about it. Just saying.
Have a good day.
.
With the givens at hand. I woke a bit before I actually woke and before the alarms went off, though I can't quite tell you when. Something about floating back teeth. I had set the alarms for 12:00 and 13:00. As I came back to bed I really didn't want to mess with alarms, so I turned them off. I woke just a bit past 13:00 anyway. You would almost think I plan these things sometimes. Nope. For me, seven or eight hours is the perfect amount of sleep, unless I have been shorting myself too much, too often, then a few days of ten hours (to my mind) would be best (if in those cases I usually end up sleeping twelve hours rather than what I think would be ideal). The truth is, when it comes to sleep, I have little control. If my body demands sleep no alarm or emergency can shake it.
I know I have been dreaming lately. I think the dreams have been fairly interesting, good dreams. I just can't remember them when I wake, even if I happen to wake shortly after the dream. I just getting a passing sense that something good, or fun, just happened. While I prefer to remember dreams, some dreams I would rather have stay locked out of memory. The dreams where I feel just as tired when waking as if I had not slept are among those. Life is a grabbag though and you never know what you will pull from the hat.
I feel a little run down today, still. Hmm, opening the curtains might offer relief from that. At least it lets in a little sun, and mountain views.
I read a blog post having something to do with human speech today. Something about 400k years ago and an enhanced nerve bundle hole through the skull from the brain to the tongue, give or take. I buy the latter, not the former. Old humanoids were not human and I have great doubts, at best, about evolutionary theory as it stands. Apes were not hairy men wanting to walk straight and tall. The missing link is God. Just... saying. Still, I thought about it. I realize I am a prolific writer and speaker. My problem is I honestly have no real advice, nothing to say, what I have seen was seen through the eyes of someone who knows little, just a lot of words that just flow out of me. Like a sprinkle on the ocean, my words are just... there, then not. Oh, sure, I can craft them a bit to almost look like something. But it is merely for entertainment purposes, and mostly they entertain me only. If someone else gets a chuckle, or even a snort of derision, that is fine too. I suppose. Like a monkey locked in a cage, the rest of the world is merely... peripheral. Or... something. Oh don't get all depressed about it. Just saying.
Have a good day.
It's 5:00 and all is... WTH?
.
.
How am I supposed to get up if I don't go to sleep? Where did the time go? Never mind.
Good... night.
.
How am I supposed to get up if I don't go to sleep? Where did the time go? Never mind.
Good... night.
Monday, May 7, 2012
As projects pile up...
.
.
I, of course, add more. Who knows. I have the water heater to work with, trees to cut, a roof to put on the hen house (it's a pretty big hen house, mind you), and... well... a few other things. Still... I went looking for how to remove wallpaper. I want to get that going, possibly have it done, before my mother visits. If I don't she will simply try to wallpaper over the old. Not... going... to... happen. Oh, sure, I am certain some people enjoy wallpaper. I don't. I think I can get it off the concrete (placed over the rock wall when the back new addition was added). It will be a lot of elbow grease, but... The trickier part will be getting the three or four or five layers off drywall. Hint to people... don't paper over paper over paper! The other thing I went looking for is a side mounted garage door opener. I did find one that will probably work. There is a caveat with it, something I will have to research to know what that is for sure, then to physically measure something on my current garage door, or even make sure it is the right type of garage door. It is priced at what a premium regular garage door opener would cost, but then it does include the bells and whistles. While I could easily get by without all the bells and whistles, if it is a quality piece of gear and within $50 of the competition, it will do just fine. The only bad thing, sort of, at this point, is it runs on a 24v dc motor. Most likely, I am hoping because I can't find it, it will take standard home electricity and chop and parse that to work. At least the company offers a backup to it, for power outages and such. Not a completely unknown thing, more so in the winter, which is why I am considering it anyway.
Yes, yes. But I do have some of the gear, supplies, and such, for some of my doings. And, yeah, I know, I'm not the fastest kid on the block. But... look at how long it took me to move in the first place. Hmm, was it four or five years before I finally made it out here. Heck, when I finally decided it was time to leave my last fiancee, it took... a year, no... two. Somehow, even with me gearing up for it and talking about, it still startled her. *grins* She, "You can actually... you know... do things, walk, pack"! Yep. Later. I don't know if I will get to all of it, or any of it, frankly. Though I suspect I will. Having a few things done leads to more. And as I become... more sure... things will take less time to deliberate. Most of my work will probably need to be summer projects, which will cut down on what I do. But summer(ness) can be up to four, five, even six months around these parts. Oh, hush. I'll do what I do, when I can, as I may. I might even surprise you. Well, given my penchant, how can I NOT surprise you? Heh. I love me some womenz flak. Heh.
Well, later. I'll go back to plotting the takeover of my home and grounds. Ah, and a bit of music.
Actually, good night. Sleep well, dream bold, and do what you may tomorrow.
.
I, of course, add more. Who knows. I have the water heater to work with, trees to cut, a roof to put on the hen house (it's a pretty big hen house, mind you), and... well... a few other things. Still... I went looking for how to remove wallpaper. I want to get that going, possibly have it done, before my mother visits. If I don't she will simply try to wallpaper over the old. Not... going... to... happen. Oh, sure, I am certain some people enjoy wallpaper. I don't. I think I can get it off the concrete (placed over the rock wall when the back new addition was added). It will be a lot of elbow grease, but... The trickier part will be getting the three or four or five layers off drywall. Hint to people... don't paper over paper over paper! The other thing I went looking for is a side mounted garage door opener. I did find one that will probably work. There is a caveat with it, something I will have to research to know what that is for sure, then to physically measure something on my current garage door, or even make sure it is the right type of garage door. It is priced at what a premium regular garage door opener would cost, but then it does include the bells and whistles. While I could easily get by without all the bells and whistles, if it is a quality piece of gear and within $50 of the competition, it will do just fine. The only bad thing, sort of, at this point, is it runs on a 24v dc motor. Most likely, I am hoping because I can't find it, it will take standard home electricity and chop and parse that to work. At least the company offers a backup to it, for power outages and such. Not a completely unknown thing, more so in the winter, which is why I am considering it anyway.
Yes, yes. But I do have some of the gear, supplies, and such, for some of my doings. And, yeah, I know, I'm not the fastest kid on the block. But... look at how long it took me to move in the first place. Hmm, was it four or five years before I finally made it out here. Heck, when I finally decided it was time to leave my last fiancee, it took... a year, no... two. Somehow, even with me gearing up for it and talking about, it still startled her. *grins* She, "You can actually... you know... do things, walk, pack"! Yep. Later. I don't know if I will get to all of it, or any of it, frankly. Though I suspect I will. Having a few things done leads to more. And as I become... more sure... things will take less time to deliberate. Most of my work will probably need to be summer projects, which will cut down on what I do. But summer(ness) can be up to four, five, even six months around these parts. Oh, hush. I'll do what I do, when I can, as I may. I might even surprise you. Well, given my penchant, how can I NOT surprise you? Heh. I love me some womenz flak. Heh.
Well, later. I'll go back to plotting the takeover of my home and grounds. Ah, and a bit of music.
Actually, good night. Sleep well, dream bold, and do what you may tomorrow.
A few thoughts on a few things.
.
.
I may have suggested something that could be taken a bit too literally, or, more, incorrectly. When I discuss flirtations, and eye contact, I am speaking about women, girls, with intent. A married woman with a brood could look me right square in the eye without me taking any more notice than I would if she spoke her tongue or suggested rules within her home. The same goes with women who are my senior. Besides, older women, if they are flirting with you, you WILL know it. There is no room for thinking it is other. Even then though, it is mostly just well intentioned fun, not... you know... that kind of flirting. As well, married women have become accustomed to dealing with a man. I find it neither personally flattering or insinuative or insulting or incorrect, for such a woman to address me as just another adult. And, actually, that can work for a professional woman, regardless of my thoughts on that whole thing. If she is a doctor or a lawyer, and we are discussing a case or interacting on a professional level, I expect eye contact and would even have doubts about eye avoidance. In such cases where eyes are avoided, in the professional world, one of two things is happening actually. Either she IS interested in me or she is lying about the matters at hand. Of course, that I am needing to write this makes me wonder if women know what flirtation is, that there is a level of it which is simply social, how it is done, or if it is completely reactionary or trial and error learning? No worries, just a few thoughts that came to mind. So, wives out there, you can look me right in the eye without any fear of me taking the wrong meaning.
On another matter, my doings. While I am not doing a great deal, I am continuing on in fits, starts, and stops. I am sleeping a little more than I like. And the big projects are just sitting there, mostly. Okay, there is that. But I haven't completely stopped, or not every day. I am keeping up in what ways I can. I really think it is just a bit cool. I can heat my home, and that helps, but deep down in my bones I know it is still cool. A bit of physiology and a bit of psychology, the actual functioning thereof anyway as I don't believe a doctorate confers anything special these days in that area, if it ever did. That is what is sort of keeping me in lower gear. I can see that my engine is still running, if in idle. I suspect that until it warms up and sunshine comes through with some warmer days, and once I get my days sorted out again, life will be a little slow. I'm not terribly worried, just, as usual, a little frustrated. All good.
A fellow stopped by to look things over regarding a few projects. I asked him about installing a garage door opener, if he was interested in a real work project. We went out and looked. It seems part of the garage is an addition, which means either figuring a way through a bulkhead, probably load bearing, or putting in a side-mounted garage door opener. Both of us figured the side mount would be the best plan. Which... when you remove the whole large track system and ladder work, puts the project possibly within my reach, in more ways than one. I am doing research on that now. A few things might get done before too long, including a couple of properly installed outside faucets. All good. Now if it warms up a bit I will get to some of my projects too. All in good time, I hope.
Later.
.
I may have suggested something that could be taken a bit too literally, or, more, incorrectly. When I discuss flirtations, and eye contact, I am speaking about women, girls, with intent. A married woman with a brood could look me right square in the eye without me taking any more notice than I would if she spoke her tongue or suggested rules within her home. The same goes with women who are my senior. Besides, older women, if they are flirting with you, you WILL know it. There is no room for thinking it is other. Even then though, it is mostly just well intentioned fun, not... you know... that kind of flirting. As well, married women have become accustomed to dealing with a man. I find it neither personally flattering or insinuative or insulting or incorrect, for such a woman to address me as just another adult. And, actually, that can work for a professional woman, regardless of my thoughts on that whole thing. If she is a doctor or a lawyer, and we are discussing a case or interacting on a professional level, I expect eye contact and would even have doubts about eye avoidance. In such cases where eyes are avoided, in the professional world, one of two things is happening actually. Either she IS interested in me or she is lying about the matters at hand. Of course, that I am needing to write this makes me wonder if women know what flirtation is, that there is a level of it which is simply social, how it is done, or if it is completely reactionary or trial and error learning? No worries, just a few thoughts that came to mind. So, wives out there, you can look me right in the eye without any fear of me taking the wrong meaning.
On another matter, my doings. While I am not doing a great deal, I am continuing on in fits, starts, and stops. I am sleeping a little more than I like. And the big projects are just sitting there, mostly. Okay, there is that. But I haven't completely stopped, or not every day. I am keeping up in what ways I can. I really think it is just a bit cool. I can heat my home, and that helps, but deep down in my bones I know it is still cool. A bit of physiology and a bit of psychology, the actual functioning thereof anyway as I don't believe a doctorate confers anything special these days in that area, if it ever did. That is what is sort of keeping me in lower gear. I can see that my engine is still running, if in idle. I suspect that until it warms up and sunshine comes through with some warmer days, and once I get my days sorted out again, life will be a little slow. I'm not terribly worried, just, as usual, a little frustrated. All good.
A fellow stopped by to look things over regarding a few projects. I asked him about installing a garage door opener, if he was interested in a real work project. We went out and looked. It seems part of the garage is an addition, which means either figuring a way through a bulkhead, probably load bearing, or putting in a side-mounted garage door opener. Both of us figured the side mount would be the best plan. Which... when you remove the whole large track system and ladder work, puts the project possibly within my reach, in more ways than one. I am doing research on that now. A few things might get done before too long, including a couple of properly installed outside faucets. All good. Now if it warms up a bit I will get to some of my projects too. All in good time, I hope.
Later.
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