Sun!

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I was folding the first load of laundry.  Watching local news seemed about the only thing to do to help snub the boring task.  Blah, blah, blah, cat's can give you cat scratch fever, blah, blah, crime, blah, crime, blah blah... sun.  What?  The sun, it seems is out, and will be out, but only, possibly until later in the day.  Then another storm moves through.

I had been thinking of waiting for the last load, then doing the dishes, then getting some rack time.  Of course, the "news" is from SLC, so... it might not be the same here.  Being early morning, give or take, here, still, and with the strength of my curtains, I couldn't tell until I opened them.  Ah!  Sun.  Yeah, I think I am going to push on through for a bit, as long as I can or until the sun goes away, or, actually, until I can't stay awake longer.  It looks like a foreign landscape.  I have been so down and it has been gone, to me at least, for so long.  Yes, I will bath in the sun for as long as possible.

A couple of bags of trash and recycling have been tended, the dishes were a bit too hot for my temperament.  Yeah, I can handle heat, I just don't always want to handle it.  The laundry has another... 45 minutes until dry.  One load has gone through and folded or hung.  I still have to put a few things away.  Oh, and breakfast was served.  A touch of the hot sauce worked well with the eggs.

Sometimes I think people believe I don't understand.  And, sure, sometimes I forget.  True.  But I realize I am not up to snuff, especially for society, academic, and other social or business ventures.  Honestly, I am considered an embarrassment.  Don't get all flustered.  I do understand, and try to stay back.  Between being a nobody, provincial, of poor health, and with a questionable mind, plus a bit too much faith, I don't fit in the modern world.  At one time that did bother me.  Finally, I realized, that is what separates some things.  I had to decide if I was going to sell out for what little worldly acclaim I could muster or if I was really going to try to follow God.  God won, or... that is my intent, failings and all.  No, I don't know a chablis from a burgundy.  I don't wear the newest color scheme of tie, pink shirts if that is the mode of the day, or the right socks for fashion's sake.  I don't have $100k in this, and another dozen such investments here and there.  I don't even ski in Veil.  I don't know what is socially acceptable to lie about and what must always be accurate.  I don't believe gold is any more rigged down than it is up, though I would suggest both forces are created by the same powers.  And I don't care what a bunch of self-aggrandizing writers, artists, bureaucrats, doctors, or others believe about themselves, their station in life, me, or God.

But don't take me for a fool.  Not you.  Understand I have chosen other than a neutral business tone with slight variances so as to cut out a stake to claim.  Seriously, do not think I haven't had some serious level of sophistication and worldliness, probably more, in my circles and at my level, than most will know in their own.  Even into my ill health, past several deaths, and ignoring signs and portents.  Then, one day, a call could not be denied and it was followed, as best as I have been able.  Slowly, over decades, I have surrendered much of that and chosen as much of a more humble cloak of reality, in sympathy with my sinful state and in submission to the greatness of God.  If I embarrass you, that is fine.  But you have nothing to worry about, I won't let anyone know we even know each other.  I don't deal with such things anymore.

One thing I do think about though.  If I would embarrass you, what kind of people are you trying to please?  And, if you are trying to please those kinds of people.. just what kind of person are you?  Not for me to answer.  But I needed to settle that in my mind.  I had to ask myself the same questions once.  It can be painful.  Honesty demands it.  My greatest, to this point unwritten, death, to this point, was my death to the world.  But most aren't ready for that.  Making too much money to fool with... letting the notion of it go.  I do understand I just don't agree.

Hmm, sun?  Oh yes.  Sun indeed.  Later.

Small pieces, here and there.

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While I am doing better, I don't have what it would take to rip and tear.  I collected laundry, set it in the washroom.  Made a bite to eat, using up bacon that would otherwise have potentially gone bad and a few eggs.  Then I set up for washing the dishes.  Breaks here and there.  Five or ten up, ten to twenty down.  It's the only way I will reasonably get it done.  It might be the only way to do it.  A day of work for you is a marathon for me.  I do have my first load going, dishes in a soak, and the recycling ready to go.  I have started assembling any trash.  I may have to, from packing and such, take another load of trash out as I go, and to clean out the fridge.  But that's all good.

I'll have to do whatever, with microsoft, on Monday, if possible.  I have a bit to do that day, if I can get up early enough or stay up.  An oil change and check, plus tire rotation.  Buying steaks, looking for a 10x10 tent or even shelter, and... probably some other stuff.  While I don't think Walmart would have anything substantial, there are a number of outdoor places.  Hardware stores probably won't carry that either.  Just thinking.

This time around I don't really have as much of a clue.  I don't have lists, not half of the planning that I put into the thing last time.  But I learned a lot from last time.  Don't overpack!  The less you take, and the more of it you use, the less of a job you have when you return home, as well.  I still haven't gotten into the spirit of the thing, just showing up, eating, having a sip, and leaving.  No connections have, or probably will be, formed.  No goofing.  Then again I am doing about what I can do in those regards.  A turtle at a dance festival just isn't... going to do much.  But I enjoy, and I get out.  Beats being in the cave all of the time.  And, who knows, this one might launch me into more activity this summer, including more hiking, possibly camping, and other things.

Yeah, a bit at a time.  I have an hour until the first load of laundry is done.  I will take a load of trash out then, reset the trash can, handle the laundry, then... rest for an half hour.  Then hit the dishes, though there aren't many so that should be quick.  Then rest until the next load of laundry.  Here and there, a bit at a time.  As I am folding clothes I will be sorting what of that I want to take.  Mostly shorts, though if it is as cool as it has been around here, I might be wise to take two pair of long pants and maybe a couple of pair of long underwear.  I'll have rain gear in my pack, and will probably take an extra poncho.  Oh, crap, I need a ground cloth for my tent, or a tarp that I am sure is big enough.  A 10x10 should be big enough, it can just be folded under.  It just helps in case of rain.  I have no idea what to expect, that way, or what the land is like in general.  Good camping spots or not.

Bleh!  I have no idea if phone service works there, come to think of it, so I'm not sure how to hook up with the Cat couple.  No idea.  He suggests that there will only be several thousand there, and I know what his RV looks like, mostly.  Meh, I'm not going to worry too much, with the givens.  Hmm... music, while I rest. 

There is always something else, isn't there?  No matter how much or how little you do, or think you need to, account for, there is always one other thing.  Neurosis.  I just blather, then ignore, much of it.  I can only do just so much.  And I can't swear that I will even do as much as I can do.  But then, what are the limits, on anyone?  Just... do what I do and not worry so much elsewise.

Later.

Much to do.

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I am feeling better.  It wasn't just this or that, but a group of things.  Not seeing the sun for a week, after having gotten sort of used to it, forgetting medicines for a few days, working hard last week, and then I figured out the last bit.  When the sun shines, even off and on, but certainly after a number of days, my old stone home warms.  With that gone, plus rain and cold, the home cools way down.  I hadn't been fussing with the furnace much, and it was set low.  Ah... warmth.  That helps a good deal.

A pot of coffee was put on, first thing this "morning".  I needed to fiddle with some things on my computer as well.  Something is going to become a problem shortly.  For no reason, Microsoft is saying my machine has been changed too much, and needs to be validated.  Bunk.  I haven't done a thing to my machine.  They are just trying to push people out of XP.  Three days notice.  There is a choice to talk to a rep, but it's a weekend.  Yeah, this is just another gimmick to milk money and end XP use.  You don't own your computer if you don't own your OS.  And with MS, that is the case.  May just have to wait until I get back.

I am going through lists of lists.  Things to do and things to take.  Another list, actually, is in there.  Things to buy and potentially buy.  On the to do list is basically cleaning my house and finding someone to feed the cats.  It's a simple list, and includes laundry, but it will take some time and effort.  I will begin tonight.  The packing list isn't too bad.  The heaviest items will be water.  I took six, I think, for the week.  I doubt if I used three.  I will go ahead and take four though I doubt if I need more than three.  Still, it's relatively cheap insurance.  I won't be taking all that much.  Three sets of clothes, plus one closed off for the trip back.  Food, if steaks and hamburger need to be purchased.  Maybe six cans of food and a couple of MREs, just in case.  The little hibachi, sleeping gear.  Nothing fancy, nothing at all.  I don't even think I am taking a frying pan.  Hmm, though maybe a small camping pan set for vegetables.  Oh... but coffee...  I'll think on that as I get ready.  I simply am not going to overload this time.  If I forget something vital, and can't find it?  My guess is I can live without it.  Only medicines are on high alert.  Two packs, packed separately, I won't go through falling off and getting back on those again any time soon.

So much to do, and yet any normal person could have these things done by Sunday evening, at the latest.  Being crippled sucks.  It could be worse, so I try not to complain too much.  Just visit a stroke patient, if you wish to know more.  I think, of all I have seen, that is probably the most truly pitiable situation I have seen.  If there is worse, thank you, but I would rather not know before I have no choice.  Hmm.  The goal is to have the home done by Monday night, and half of the packing.  Some of the packing will probably depend on laundry, so...  The last half of packing will be done when I put the gear into the vehicle.  I simply don't want to have to do any driving loaded with gear, save when I hit the road.  I may pick up the dry ice on my way out of town, now that I know where and how simple that really is.  I have ice here, so that will keep it all solid until I put the dry ice in.

Plans, plots, figuring, and... doing.  Lots of doing.  I just wish the sun would pop out.  We did need the rain.  We probably still need the rain.  But there is no reason nature can't give us a bit of both, is there?  :p

Yeah, I know what it looks like.  And while there is some whining, it's more a grump as I try to kick myself more to wakefulness.  Not all that much, either, really.  For me.  I think.  Bleh.  Best get on to a couple of things.
 
Later.

Ever have one of those nights...

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Sleep has been odd.  My body is needy for it.  Not getting sleep when it wants or need, then demanding too much.  Alarm clocks and force of will have been useless.  As a child trying to get into a well locked cabinet, I feel shut out.  The sun has been gone.  I had pushed last week.  I went off meds for a bit, but am back on them.  Doesn't matter.  I think weather is the bigger factor, mind you.  The others just added a bit of weight to the notion.  The foot on my chest went from a size sixteen to a size eighteen, if I were to give it scale.  Still, big or bigger, I struggle anyway.  Makes little difference to me, even if it is seemingly worthless effort.  If it doesn't kill me, and whatnot.  Even if it does?  Hard to displease some people in some ways.  *grin*  That's what made me such a bastard to try to bully.  Enough yet?  Hardly!

But, in these times, my mind... remembers, sees, connects dots, does calculations, looks for in's and out's, up's and down's.  I don't know if it simply trying to find a way through, or freespinning while nothing else is going on, a bit of both, and maybe more.  It is amazing what the output can be.  I am not consciously involved with the mechanisms involved.  It's more like walking into a movie theater without even knowing what the three or four or ten, however long it lasts which is also not know, is slated to be.  Nauseating, sometimes.  Claustrophobic, too, for the inability to do much about anything, psychically.  Unless, as I have, you learn to just wait it out and... enjoy, employ, use, what you can from what is presented.  Learning to just handle it took many years, a decade and change.  That was part of why suicide was an option, if "medicine" played a strong role too.  I don't know if medicine directly effected the thing, or if it simply prevented me from rising to the occasion.  Now it is just part of the gig and I have learned to relax, if still looking for a way back to normalcy.

Writing.  Not blogging, but actual story writing was one of the topics that raced through the mind... last night?  Yesterday?  The fog is so thick I can't be sure.  Just, roughly in those time neighborhoods.  I don't think it happens all at once, considerations.  It is more like dreams, of the past... memories... connected with thoughts then and now.  Comparing notes, considering, then putting it all on an even deeper back burner to cook while other notions are crowded in.  Like a movie with two sequels, or three, or however many it takes, being squeezed into my "time in the theater".  It goes on until either some conclusions are reached or the fever breaks and I am allowed back to the land of the living.  But writing was one of those topics.

I have eschewed writing.  Beside my obvious problems with concentration, heretofore, there was the fear of coming up dry...  Tomorrow, three books from now, ten books in, or at a point of need or in the end.  Not an easy fear to counter, since every writer has known this boogeyman.  But, mostly, it was the realization that writing an in-depth story, a book long, would require tracking people in real time, events, and keeping those current while furthering the story line.  Making the story coherent throughout is no small task.  Many of us have read long books, in a day, a few days, a week... and thought nothing about all that goes into making that story worth even continuing.  Or the time the author spent writing, rewriting, editing, fixing, changing, pulling his hair out maybe, just trying to... make it right... in or for his mind.  At least the good writers.  Though I suppose some are a natural at it, and don't face as many issues as... some of us.

I don't know.  As my health improves, since I am pretty sure college just won't ever be in, or worth the effort as I would never be hired... just because of age and inexperience combined into too much of a risk...  Writing... might be something.  Some think of writing as an economic source.  I am no such fool.  Sure, there could be that.  But, if I played the lottery, I could win it too.  It... won't happen.  No, if I write, it will have to be for my own satisfaction.  Perhaps the satisfaction of a few readers, if that would be secondary.  It's how I roll.  Further, with the right equipment, it wouldn't have to interfere with the rest of my "life".  Bahahaha!  Never mind.  But, I mean, I could take a device out, while hiking, and write when I need a longer break.  Or when I am encamped for a bit, too tired too do much else, I could pull out the device and write.  Editing?  Dunno.  Never really done it, don't do it too much on my blog.  How much of that is automated these days?  I don't think they have grammar down, and some of that would be too formal anyway.  Then again, how fancy do I need it?

I may look back at the story I started, and see about getting through it, though closer to the vest until I can edit perhaps, and put things together in some form of coherent chapters, and order, of some sort or other.  That was almost completely raw.  Just me, sitting down, and writing.  Sometimes I would hold them a day or two, to review spelling and grammar, but little thought editing occurred.  Dunno.  Just some thoughts that came out of my most recent fever.  Well, along with gloom, pain, and odd things.  Hmm...  write about that?  Nah.  People can't even handle my blog.  They couldn't deal with my blog unplugged... or would that be plugged in?  Yeah, no.

Later.

When the lights go out...

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while I remain.  In the dark, in pain, I see.

Finally.

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Yeah, got the shower and such done.  Right as I was getting ready to finish dressing I heard the phone.  Yep, it was my friend.  "You alive yet"?  Hmm, I almost had to think for a second.  Oh, yeah, I think so!  *chuckles*  Yeah, I'm... just about to head in, I suggested.  Pants might be socially more acceptable, but I'll be on the road in five.  *click*  Not a hang up, just how men are supposed to talk on the phone.

A lot of waiting for the paperwork to go through.  His rifle looks a lot like an m-15.  I'd have to see them side by side to see any size difference.  I'm not familiar with that style.  While they were going waiting for approval, we went and looked the store over.  A couple of odds and ends dropped into the basket.  I was getting hungry, though, and tired of waiting.  The guy at the counter said he would call when he got the okay, after checking back and letting him know we were heading out.  My friend wanted a smoke, so out the front door and down a bit, because of nagging.  Right about as we were going to head out the call came.  Back in the store.  Sheesh, buying a gun is worse than surgery!  Oh well.  He's a proud new father!  I, however, forgot the cigars.

Then, on to... somewhere.  Gas?  Oh, no.  Meant to hit the bbq joint, on the other side of town.  Closed, shuttered, done.  *le sighe*  But there are always other shops.  Angie's is our regular, though we stop at other places from time to time.  Some places I won't eat at, some places he doesn't like.  There are enough odds and ends that we get variety coupled with some regularity.  This time?  A new place, Buffalo Chicken Wings or such.  Not my thing, but I hoped they had other choices.  And they did.  Plus I sampled their hot sauces, if I just had a burger.  Now, their burgers come with sauce, so, not being absolutely sure, but... I ordered their mango habanero.  Not bad.  And, really, other than being sweeter for the mango, it was about the level that I make.  It was good.  They had a sampling tray, for their sauces.  That arrived before the meal, so beside sampling others, I tried the mango habanero, and their hottest sauce, along with some milder stuff.  I was... impressed.  None of it was too hot, by far.  Middling but that is good enough for me.  I don't need it really hot all the time... if I wouldn't mind finding some stuff that could make me sweat. 

I really enjoyed my burger.  After it, I decided to see if they had any of their hottest stuff, in a jar.  That tastes much like mine, about the same heat level.  Only, it was much better balanced, with tomato and some other veggies, and just... more pleasant.  I had to ask if they had any of the sauce to go.  Sure did.  $5.99 for, say, 12 fluid ounces, give or take?  Reheheheally...  I pay more than that just for the habaneros that I put into my sauce, by twice.  Plus another half pound of Thai, Serrano, and jalapeno peppers, plus onion, garlic, dry habanero...  And mine isn't as tasty, all around, if not bad.  But mine makes half what their offering provides.  Yeah, that was a nobrainer.  So, I am the proud owner of some hot sauce that gives me pleasure.  Yum!  My friend went one step past the honey bbq and that was that. 

On the way home I realized how close the time is!  I am going to try to force myself out of bed, or stay awake, and get in tomorrow to see about tire rotation and an oil change.  Gah!  Between time creep, insomnia, exhaustion, and cloudy days, the burn has snuck up on me!  Oh, I'll do fine.  Hmm, best check about a placket of steaks and get those hard frozen, and some hamburger.  I looked for an overtent, or even an simple gazebo.  The thing is to find one I believe is strong enough.  Ugh.  Hmm... well...  Later.

A call, two.

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Don't know when the first one came in.  I heard the last but couldn't quite fumble awake immediately but started pushing when I heard it.  Down midmorning sometime.  Pouring coffee down the gullet, and doing "news" and blog reviews.  Do I even understand what I am seeing?  Who knows.  Perhaps, like a trout... if it looks good, strike.  Hmm, maybe I shouldn't comment.  Like I could stop that, but the notion is there.  Mornings and nights... or waking and bedtime I should say, are when I am at my most lethal.  Nothing like having to fly through hell back to the land of the living to make one... pleasant.  Don't know why, but getting to sleep, and waking up, when they are tough, are horrible.  Psychically walking on broken glass with bare feet.  At least the coffee tastes good.  And I recover well enough.

A shower, though, and some grooming then getting dressed.  I don't write that as an information piece, but as a goal, or when completed, an attaboy.   Sometimes it's all I have.  Today, hopefully, not so much.  After that I will call my friend and see if there is still time.  I just hope he doesn't hate me too much.

Pushing, weather, and yeah probably the medicine stoppage that started out as a refresher (if it was actually merely that it got forgotten and I build a story around that), all combined have taken me down a notch.  Still no sun today.  Yeah, as much as I don't always like the sun, I do sort of... it helps.  At least when I can be awake during the day.  No, don't need it every day.  But in recovery, or several days in a row during a week.  Not my call, I just get to handle the consequences of not.  But, this was a compilation, so...  Not worried.  And, I'm getting back in the saddle.

What was it?  It's not whether you fall, only how well you bounce when you hit?  The ol' boy still has some bounce in him.  *grin*  I just wouldn't count on that bounce recharging any batteries.  Still, I'll do what I can and take what is there.  I best get to it.  Later.

So tired.

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I went in, finally, at 2:00.  I actually wanted to go to be earlier but I couldn't rouse myself to go to it.  An hour and a half down and I realize it wasn't going to happen.  I didn't even feel comfortable in bed, reclining.  Had to... do something, anything, but not much.  Reading is out, it hurts.  Or at least formal reading.  A book, with a topic, point, starting paragraph, body, and conclusion.  Too much.  Almost hungry, probably thirsty, definitely tired.  I am almost dreaming of sleep while awake.  It does actually hurt.

Oddest blog ventures lately.

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I am well on to the most page views in a month in my odd little blogging pursuit.  I don't, as you probably know, uhrm... write to bring people in.  There is haiku, but I have chased off any of the tootty fruity who may have wandered here thinking I was just being fashionably curmudgeonly.  No, folks, it's for real.  Some seem to still visit, very occasional, and a few regulars.  But I don't write for them.  I don't even write for me.  It's not really reading material, mostly.  Sometimes I get a tickle or enjoy a particular barb or burn now and again, but mostly this is just a place to clear the air, a crying room, a sounding board, or such.

I do look at the numbers.  I also know they are very false.  A large number who view here are not reported.  Now, are those viewers real people, or just bots, government people, or... whatever.  That I don't know.  Actually, of the 1,700 pageviews I get, officially, a month, I don't know how many of those are real people, and not lawyers looking for copyright, or .gov keeping tabs, or V.A. employees paying attention to something other than my health, or... whatnot.  I simply don't know.  By comments, I would guess, for sure, if variably, I have between five and ten real readers, a bit more on haiku posts.  Though some number of them are .gov, yeah... I know.  I told you, I can see in the dark.  But they aren't, mostly, from what I can tell, here on .gov biz, so...  And I wouldn't care anyway.

Thing is, recently, Russian visitorship spiked.  On one day I received over 176, or 185, pageviews!  That's almost double my last record.  Mostly Russian.  And, I was getting, say... double the number of Russian visitors as Americans, which was a three fold increase.  Hmm, something like that anyway.  Don't quote me, just follow the gist.  Then, a few days to a week ago, the Russians stopped.  Full stop.  Didn't see another until... yesterday?  Today?  Sleep has been screwy, so don't be to fussy.  Very recently.  Now the Russians are back up to their original numbers of visitors.  But American visitations have increased to the highs that the Russians were at, or... pretty close.  Just... weird.

I stopped using the monitoring services because they weren't very accurate, didn't count "foreign visits", and showed up as being untrustworthy in a variety of ways to check that.  Basically, anything you see from the internet, from visitors, to data on those, to anything else?  It's all subject to being jacked.  Actually, don't think it could be, know it is being jacked.  Still... there is an indication that something strange is going on.  When you have nothing but time, but little ability to focus to try to dig through this all, you do what you can and just suspect, from time to time.  Then ignore and go do something real... or... sit until you must sleep.

Later.

Slow day.

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I couldn't get to sleep, or wake up, all night and day.  It seems my friend did call, but not until 13:00.  I had been fighting to wake from 10:00 on, but ran out of steam and was sort of hoping for an earlier call.  It sort of set me up for a fall, if I am not sure I could have waken, so...  Tired?  I don't know.  I won't even swear to being awake, or asleep, or awake, or...  Hmm, let me put some music on.

Haiku Monday - Sound

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She won and is already up.  That was fast, if for good reason.  Her rules and post are here.  Pretty standard rules, but go read.

hear all or nothing

wavering between inside 

and outside - mostly

sweet music or voices

the right sounds at the right times

body, mind, soul - bless

not inflexible

simply not weak - strength of

character - stolid

some moans of mourning

groans of inequality

cats beg so very well

noise stripped of thought

then carved and shaped to fill

the space - magic of music

More reading, and resting.

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Thankfully my friend will be pulling me out of the cave tomorrow.  Sure, to help him.  But usually when I show up there is food somewhere in the visit.  Food!  I did make myself a bit to eat tonight.  Nothing fancy.  What I thought was sausage but ended up being hamburger, fried, then with eggs scrambled in, packaged in tortillas.  Nothing fancy, but darn it, I was and am hungry.

I am guessing that, now, it isn't being worn down that got to me, or at least the last day or two.  The weather up and turned chilly.  The sun hasn't been out much.  We need the rain so I'm not even going to say "boo", and possibly jinx the rain.  I'll just need to remember to turn the furnace up a bit, as needed.  Yes, I have to consciously consider what most people would just know to do.  My body and mind aren't always in very solid simpatico.  It does it's things, sometimes dragging me around to do it.  And I do the same.

The book is an interesting thing, but... without getting hands on, it's... sort of dry in the immediacy.  I did check the navigation section, and, yes, it looks like a word for word abridgement.  Which, as I said, is fine.  There isn't a lot to orienteering, or more navigating as they describe just compass and compass and map planning and travel.  The thing is, quite often it can't really be used.  In the mountains, perhaps if you are lost.  Or if you decide to put up caches in various locations.  Maybe if you have a base camp, in a broader area.  But in that starter area, where I was hiking, you can't but go one way.  Well, two, technically, if you count turning back and retracing your path.  I suppose you could to a technical climb up the sides of the canyons, but... you wouldn't get lost.  Miles back, into the woods, I have some doubts about great utility.  Knowing where you are would be the problem.  It's more a guesstimate type of thing.  And, actually, if you are lost... that's pretty much going to make navigating just more of a guesstimation sort of thing.  Which might still be better, I suppose.  I guess what I am saying is that, when out there, either you know where you are or you are in some state of being lost.  Simply having an idea where you headed, roughly, so knowing which direction you want to go to return, is... all I expect from the science.  I'll see, I suppose.

The part that I really want to get a grasp on is knots.  And a bit into climbing.  Solo climbing is looked down upon, but for someone like me, it's about all I could probably muster.  There will be places where, to get down, and maybe somehow back up, a little ropework would be good.  Nothing fancy.  I won't be mountaineering for any reason I could imagine.  That's a sport, and for people who don't think they have enough risk in their life.  I am purely purpose driven.  Do I really need to get there, for my purposes?  If so, and there is something in the way, and no easy workaround, then...  then I might take a risk.  Risk, like money, is something to be spent, and wisely, not squandered on fluff, in my book anyway.  When men take extreme risks with health and life for fun, we live in a world that is a bit too wealthy.  I just imagine all of those men who went into mines to feed their families, and men who sailed the seas without engines or communication, who would much have preferred a safer way to make a living.  Though I do understand, risk is one of those things that... men need.  The need for speed sees many of us to an early grave, if that, probably, mostly, isn't the point.

Just... figuring things out and putting the score on the board.  Later, or good night. 

Electricity went out last night.

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Not ready for sleep, not able to sleep actually, so that was out.  I can't remember, exactly, what time that happened.  I went ahead and got a shower in, deciding to go to town for a quick easy meal.  It did rain, healthily, the whole to town, while I was there, and on the way back.  A very good thing.  The dam is only up to 50%.  Harsh.  Any rain or snow we get is vital.  The trip was otherwise uneventful.

My friend called.  I think he wanted me to come to town today.  His new rifle is in.  I just woke, so...  I couldn't quite scramble.  But I promised I'd be in tomorrow.  I just told him to start calling at about 11:00, and call until I answer.  It's all I've got at the moment.  I'll set the alarm for 10:00, just to... try to boost the effort.  I'm curious.  I advised him on the rifle, and would love one myself, so I am curious to see it, and see how it runs when he gets to it.  The ammunition is pricey, so if I want to shoot it I'll buy some ammunition.  I don't know how picky he will be about what is shot through it, but... them's the rules.

I just called my mother.  I've been a bit worried lately.  But she is doing fine.  She visited the uncle who recently lost his wife and did a bit of work for him.  She is tired and sore from it all.  We commiserated.  She does understand, now more than ever, just how limited I am.  She understands how dreadful it was, to try to live a full life on such limited health.  It physically hurts to push too hard and too fast.  But having people pound on you for even more?  Yeah, she gets it.  In all fairness, no one, save medical possibly, knew.  If they didn't know then they aren't good for much.  If they knew and failed to advise, they are evil.  I'm not exactly sure which, though I think it's a bit of both.  Still, they are helping, finally, now, so... Yes, yes, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant.  :p 

On the good side, I do believe I am improving.  Marginally.  And from where I am coming, age may become an issue before health improves enough to... bleh.  Still, I'll keep at it.  Single minded in this, for what it is worth.  Just can't quit.

I thought the lights would be on by the time I returned.  Nope!  I still couldn't sleep, so, by a lamp, I read bits and pieces from the mountaineering book.  It wasn't the best light, but I did what I could.  Finally, at almost 5:00, I headed in to sleep.  Electricity still was not on.  Waking at about 12:00 to a home with lights on was a good sign.  I don't think the fridge or freezer will be a problem, and the furnace was running so...  Hmm... On to something or other.  Good day.

News Flash!

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Seventy-two killed resisting gun confiscation in Boston

by Author Unknown

7:00am Monday, April 21, 2014

Boston – National Guard units seeking to confiscate a cache of recently banned assault weapons were ambushed on April 19 by elements of a para-military extremist faction. Military and law enforcement sources estimate that 72 were killed and more than 200 injured before government forces were compelled to withdraw.

Well, yeah.  But... I've told you I can be slow to get around to things.  Still, something to consider.

Good night.

Still down, a bit, but...

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Some things are clicking.  Sight beyond sight, seeing what is coming and will happen.  Prices, costs, winners, and losers...  Can't see it all, or how it ends exactly.  But I see enough to... give it a five star rictus grin.

A few songs to go with some news.

Ugh!

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Neither can I sleep or wake well, and I am actually still sore this "morning".  I have pushed a little too hard recently.  It didn't seem to take much.  Then again, I was down for a relatively long period, and worked to level and more, four days last week.  My muscles burn, my bones ache, I can't ever really wake well, and there isn't much energy.  Still, I am fine with that.  It just means it will take a bit longer of a rest this time and I have a better idea of what my limits are.  I will continue to focus on what to do next, when the opportunity presents itself.  And, yes, I'll probably be pushing it even then.  Still... no spark, no fire.  I promise, there isn't even a clinking of metal on flint.  I'm not sure that is even flint!

I did just a bit of reading last night.  More of a general review.  Most of what I have non-specifically read is somewhat old hat, somehow.  That doesn't mean I can just do it, either.  With a map, both here and in the field, I will have to review concepts to ensure some things.  And I'll need practice, including mistakes, to get that circle squared.  It isn't the plain details, but the fine details, as well as what isn't able to be put into words well or easily, that will take some time and practice.  All good.  But at least it doesn't feel like totally foreign territory to my mind.  Which... has it's own drawbacks.  If you think you have it, it is easy to overlook some fine print, detail, or nuance. 

The book that I purchased... is from the other book I purchased.  *le sigh*  It is, if the preface or first chapter, is correct, a line for line abridgement on the topic from the other book.  Oh, I shouldn't fuss too much though.  This makes taking the orienteering part of the big book into the field a little less problematic.  I will still have the main version at home, and can more freely feel that making notes, if needed, in the little book, less of a problem.  I, generally, don't like writing notes in the margins, of any book.  But in the field, taking a notebook is added weight and complexity.  Neither seem great, but when you have walked ten or twenty miles, with a pack, then had to tend food and water, and set up camp, just a touch more is enough to make something not happen.  K.I.S.S.  Seriously.

I'll try to read a bit more today, rather than sitting looking at the computer and listening to music.  Focus is a little shoddy.  I will simply try.  The hope is, that if I come across ideas that seem useful, things to try out there, that it will increase the impetus and override the want of physics... a body at rest tends to stay at rest.  The mind, while a wonderful thing with which to lay waste, is also a marvelous tool at changing physics states.

Later.

Just can't sleep.

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No, I didn't get to a thing, again, today.  Sat.  It's the way it has to be sometimes.  It's not like getting busy helps me sleep though either.  It often kicks the ball further down the field than resting does.  I never did make that call, either.  I guess I'll know when I wake, or if I hear the phone, if a call comes in.  We'll see.

My first set of books arrived today.  One is "Wilderness Navigation" by Bob and Mike Burns.  I do need to pick up a number of 7.5 series maps, and maybe a few 15 series, with probably an even larger general map.  Still, I can begin reading this, tinkering with various of my compasses, and just making a few notes to self.  The other book will also cover orienteering, and I may review that section as well when I begin tinkering out of doors.  The second book is "Mountaneering: The Freedom of the Hills", the 8th edition.  The name says it all.  It has very solid reviews and many purchases.  That last should be a serious resource for summer or winter exploration, travel, camping, and perhaps more serious hikes should I get that far.  Nothing is as good as an experienced guide, and teacher, on the mountain.  But, barring that, and as a beginning, this will do.  It covers climbing, of course, and the various forms of it from roping to frozen waterfalls to simply climbing to a peak however is needed.  It also covers so much more.  It has a section on knots in which I found a knot I knew, roughly, but couldn't remember well enough to replicate.  Nor could I find it in extensive searches, other knot books I have, and I simply could not remember the name.  They call it a 'rewoven figure eight', but we called it something else.  It's a tidy way to put a figure eight into a system that doesn't allow other forms of tying such.  Yeah, I... just had to see if they had that.

I'll be reading and playing with these books as I can.  Since I can't sleep, actually, and now that I remember, I may hit one or both yet tonight.  Okay, so I have poked my head into both books already.  While I lay some claim to having done some things with these topics in the past, that is in my alternate reality memory.  I... don't know what, if anything, I really know.  But I will say...  I suspect my skills are beyond the basics, as to orienteering, from what I read.  Now, there are holes in my knowledge, things forgotten from hands long unfamiliar with the tools and techniques.  So I will go slow, flesh things out.  But, honestly, I think there is much still there.  Just under a bit of rust.

On a side note, one of the good things about learning orienteering is that it will help with some of the concepts of long range shooting.  There is, from what I have seen so far, a LOT of crossover, if you are into the more technical aspects of both.  Some of it is more peripheral, such as using an altimeter and inclinometer, but for varying reasons, along with some crossover reasons.  Some of it is exactly the same.  Ranging, location, triangulation, and some other things.  Yum!  And they do involve math, if the lower forms of it.  But, finally, some functional math!  Yeah, I'm... geekish.  Sue me. 

One of the things many books and guides don't discuss is that, when out there, it is really easy to begin believing you are going the wrong way, or have gone too far.  Your mind can, and does, play tricks on you.  Especially as you near exhaustion, as you get hungry, when you get cold wet or both, and as other factors play against your psychic nerve.  I have what it takes to set that aside, and rather than panic, if anything, sit down, take a load off, catch a bite, maybe a nap and some water or something warm, then do a check.  But, if pressed, that isn't always possible.  So... learn to trust your equipment over your mind.  Just make sure you have good equipment.  Some people can't be trained to deal with that, and will always panic.  Take the average cityfolk, even townfolk, out into the bush.  It can get ugly.  So, yes, I do have that.  That I know, it's been tested and relatively recently.  One might even say often.  It's not perfect, but nothing is.  But it ain't too bad.  Even wounded, going in and out of shock, I do fairly well.

On another topic, the vanities I am thinking about are more along these lines, here and here.  These aren't, really, all that close to my vision.  Simply they are closer than what else I have seen.  Either skeletonized open, or a small, wall hung, off the floor drawer or cabinet set.  Though probably a bit larger than these, as well.  Still... it's the idea, give or take.  Now, I would be making them, somehow, as I honestly don't like the "quality" of storebought.  If it is good, and I mean just good, quality, starts at $1k.  But that often isn't worth what they are charging for the usual stuff.  I understand, if you have money but no time, you are stuck.  I have the time, tools, and some of the talents and want to learn more.  If I could just figure out how to make some of the other things on the list.  And... I may be thinking about that, and looking around.  Medicine cabinets, for example, might be eminently producible.  Fixtures... not so much.

Oh, well, I suppose I should go read.  Later or good night.

Tough, rough, call it what you will.

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Yesterday was hard.  I really was down for that count.  Sore, stiff, and rough, even as I wake this morning.  But the stiffness is more of a setting up than a breaking down, or so I tell myself.  Pain in enough areas, and if small enough not to be a terror, solidifies the body.  And my body is hardening.  I don't know how long I can take pushing.  I will continue to push, however, until I can't, as I am able anyway.  Not today though.  I'll be lucky to pull off a few minor stupid human pet tricks, but that is what I am aiming for.  Just a few things today, to try to prove life concept.  :p

I told my friend tomorrow, or the next day, I would try to be back into town.  He was thinking shopping is what he would prefer to do.  Well, whatever.  For me it will be another day out.  Hopefully an easier one.  The only thing I am really planning, otherwise, is a hike to the dam later this week sometime.  I'm simply not up to doing a whole lot more, though you never know. 

Cool days, but sunny.  I actually really am enjoying spring this year.  I think this is the second spring I have enjoyed in my adult life.  A few years ago I enjoyed spring, if even then I wasn't as active.  This is even better.  I can see the strong potential for pushing my spring right on through into the summer.  But I do know, at some point, I am going to hit a stoppage. 

I don't know if you remember the first time you rode a bike?  When you finally learned how to stay on it, but before you learned how to stop and dismount well?  Yeah, well, I'm sort of at that point in life.  I get a little uneasy about it.  It could be just a worry, as my health seems to have improved.  But history suggests otherwise.  At some point, in any case, I will have to dismount and rest.  How well that goes, most likely, will suggest other things.  I think, though, in my current condition, I can handle a fall well.  We'll see.  Oh, I don't mean a physical fall.  That I can handle without issue.  You would think, at my age, infirmity, and decades of inactivity, that I would be physically fragile.  And I am, just as fragile as your average five year old bear.

Well, on to waking then maybe a few chores.  I think I can, I think I can, I...

Ideas...

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Being pretty much down for the count today, sitting is what is happening.  Nothing else is actually possible.  Believe you me, if I could get to a few things I would.  Still, no reason to pout.  Though I would argue that reason isn't always required.  Still, the mood for a good pout is not in session, so I set my sights on other endeavors.  When my feet will not walk, and there is nothing immediate that I could set my mind to solving, I seek problems that might be tenable in theory.  The bathroom, this time.  No, not it's use, it's development.

I am far from sorting it out.  But looking here, reading this, watching that, and the notion is coming together.  The truth is, with any project I have ever undertaken, until all that is needed is purchased, and not even then absolutely, the notion is simply not chiseled in stone.  Sometimes, of course, I have lived with the simple consequences of a bad choice, or a choice I ended up not liking, or such.  Between time, money, and energy, what you have is what you get.  Which is why I am looking over as much as I can.

I had thought, perhaps, a sort of skeletonized vanity might be the way to go.  And that still is of interest.  In looking at other bathrooms, something else that caught my eye was elevated cabinets, really.  Attached to the wall with the plumbing hidden.  Not simply for the style, but as a way to architecturally open up the space.  The style is... interesting.  And it would go with the more modern seeming styles that are otherwise striking my fancy.  It may, to a degree, depend on the sink I am considering.  The sink that strikes my fancy, at this point, is this style.  I don't know if this is the one, but something along it's lines.  Fixtures, of the right material and placement, might also tend to help open up the space literally and psychologically.  To that end, the style I am liking is along these lines.  And I really do like the idea, anyway, of this faucet.  I don't know about that kind of money, and I don't know how well it really works, how long it would last, or how it looks in real life, but the idea is there.  Oh, and medicine cabinets have crossed my mind, with two sort of stand out as at least ideals, this one and this one.  Both have large mirrored surfaces, one has to be inset, the rectangular one 'can be' inset, and they offer plenty of storage space.  As to floor tiles?  Two are really sticking out, this one and this one.  I think the seemingly darker one, from other pictures is much brighter than it appears.  Though a real viewing, of anything I consider, would have to take place along these sorts of lines.  Perhaps one for the floor, the other for the vanity top?  I could see the darker one as a counter materials, contrasting with the floor and, maybe, elongating the feel of the distance between the two, or at least minimizing the size of the vanity in contrast?

I remind you, I am just playing with ideas.  Think concept cars.  Then again, if money works out, and I like what I am seeing... perhaps.  Notions, exploration, no limits, just... sorting ideas here.  I think the bathroom is painted a medium to light beige.  I think.  It's been a while since I've really been in there, and the color is so nondescript that... I simply don't remember.  If I do anything with paint, it would be to lighten it just slightly.  Which, in real world terms, means I won't do a dang thing to it unless I absolutely have to, for some reason.  The only thing I would like to do is to add more lighting and mirrors.  A nice big mirror, inset medicine cabinet probably, above the vanity/station, and maybe a mirror behind the toilet.  To add and enhance natural and electrical light and to open up the area.

Well... a man can plot.  I am also trying to figure out how to create a... toilet drip pan type thing.  It seems no matter how big, tall, round, or such, a toilet is, it's still just plain too small for my... gear, and how I am configured.  If I find something that works, I will probably retrofit my other toilet as well.  It's hell being a giant in the land of men.  Seriously.  I even have to duck, or time my step just right, going into the bathrooms, or I hit my head on the door frames.  *le sigh*  At least leaking out of the toilet doesn't hurt my... never mind.

Something interesting.  About the time I moved to Pale Moon the Russians disappeared.  They no longer visit.  I don't know if they were using loopholes to work through FF, or if Russia has shut down access to certain *cough* sites.  If the latter, they are preparing for war.  I just didn't notice it until several days passed in my switch.  What is odd is that the last two or three months, the Russians had been visiting in huge numbers.  Usually a fifth to a third of my visitors, they had been coming in equal or higher than my American visitors.  Hmm, using PM has cut all visits by a factor of three.  Probably some hacking thing, I am thinking.  But...  I simply don't know.

Actually, that makes me think that I don't want to pull my file over from FF.  I'm simply not sure if it is tainted, or what part of it was corrupted.  Bookmarks, and the rest, they can keep.  I'll just start fresh.  Actually, I may do that every once in a while.  There are several versions of browsers along the lines of FF and PM, and of course the monster info grabber and big brother collaborator browsers.  And, probably, if I would get to linux or BSD-Free, there are more secure browsers yet.  Bleh.  Oh, but don't worry.  Many of my readers do not show any signs of being here.  Trust me.  I know this absolutely and without any doubt.  I have, for my own purposes, absolute proof enough to cover the notion to my full needs and wants.  Coincidence, while I don't believe mostly, is possible and would leave room for doubt.  Dozens of them in the same field?  Not so much.

Later.

Questions in the ether.

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What, she asked, is a woman who is not enemy, potential love or lover, since there is no room for friendship.  A reasonable question, of course.  I almost missed the notion, drifting and burning life as if I had it.  But, there it was, in the rear-view mirror as I was pulling away for another go at life today.  I did have to stop, think.  I knew there was an answer.  I have plowed this ground before.  But the question so surprised me, in part due to my focus on other issues, that I couldn't lay my hands to previous work, briefs on the topic, or the single answer, at least not straightaway.

Yes, there is a place for those women.  Some have not been satisfied with it, of course.  To some women, women with intent, it is akin to being, themselves, relegated to a type of "friends" category.  Not happily have all women gone to this categorization.  Ah, what is the category?  It is a word.  A very potent, true, and variable in nature term.

Sister.

She would be a sister.  In all ways, for my part, in her accord.  And, once a woman becomes a sister?  She will never progress with me.  Which... is a good thing.  Brick wall I might be, but there is comfort in that.  Trust me.

Sore, boys and girls.

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A bit on the tired side as well.  I don't know what time I finally could sleep, but it was mid-morning, between 7:00 and 9:00, if I should be forced to guess, which I am.  I simply could not sleep.  Beyond thought, reason, pain, and exhaustion, I drifted into another place.  A special part of my accidental transcendentalism, where I might see dreams while awake.  Trying to explain that to you is akin to explaining the death of a puppy to a child.  Only, I am not sure who is the child, dead, or even the puppy.  All and none.  Never mind.  I've done what I can with the notion, here, now.

My legs are a bit stiff, upper body just a touch, some muscles have the fever.  I didn't sleep well, nor have I waken well.  Pushing, right to the limit, then as far over as my legs and time will allow.  Even my ribs, a little bit, carry the burden of my efforts.  All good.  A few days down and back to it.  A few more outings and I should be ready to serve.  Browning is happening as if paint is being applied a few molecules deep, each time I enter the sun zone.  It's almost difficult to believe I had lost almost all pigmentation.  Usually I don't, even over winter, but this winter was something... special.  I was out of the house so rarely, and needed, or thought I needed, to keep those shades so very tightly closed.  A tomb, yes.  A few more days and I may even be mistaken for the living!

While I do need rest, if I can, I am hoping to try to do a bit more than on the last few days of rest.  No promises.  And I won't endanger future outings.  But just a bit of this and that, to move around a bit more, to fulfill the list, to be moving forward on some things.  Life.  I can't always do that.  I simply can't.  I am more exhausted than last time, but... I almost sense that in spite of that, I also have more potential.  Waking has to hurt.  Sometimes that hurt is a motivator, sometimes a stoppage.  I never can be sure.

Again with the kitchen.  The goal is to finish off the dishes and finally create a working space for honing the razor, and perhaps getting to that.  As well, laundry.  Getting out tends to make that pile up faster.  But, at that, oh and tending trash and maybe recycling for pickup tomorrow, and I should be in good order.  That will be enough, if I can get to it.  Just... an hour, or two, more... just sitting here, though, I do believe.

Later.

Easter.

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Rising from the dead is a thing I consider often.  One did it in the finest fashion, of His own accord, and died for a reason in the first place.  Like a little brother who just hasn't caught how to do the trick, I keep doing my little thing.  So, please, don't roll a rock in front of my door.  Oh, I'll get through it, just not without a lot of effort.  I am actually not sure if it is the resurrection I can't do well, the healing that comes with it, or the dying that has me confused.  All in good time.  A bit jealous, perhaps.  Still, I know He will eventually teach me the rest of the trick.  Probably just in the wrist, like roping?

I really do have more reason to consider, even believe, in Christ's resurrection.  It isn't unbelievable to me.  Some parts, ascending to heaven, healing from death, these things I have to take on faith, but they are much easier if you can believe that even a mere man can walk out of the grave without divine... or direct divine intervention.  And He simple did what He did, with full intent albeit.  Christ did not call me from the grave, and God did not send me back to earth that one time.  With that covered, the rest isn't much of a stretch.

Still, it's an impressive act.  More, it is the third part of a three part deal that is all as impressive as the previous act, and then some.  Beside delivering hope for the resurrection to perfection, or the potential should we choose that, it is the hope of perfection itself.  There is so much thought that can be focused here, in so many places.  Ideas, notions, emotions, much as the men whose nets were dry until Christ told them to cast their nets on the other side.  He tells me, of mind and soul, to cast over here.  And I too am richly rewarded.  While I must war with those who refuse to believe, often, I spend as much... nay more time... praying for them.  Such an empty and doomed life without miracles, hope, and the possibility of perfection.  I understand why they shoot for a utopia on earth.  I also realize why they will always fail, and the costs.

A call to my mother.  Perhaps I will call my brother as well.  I don't like disturbing his little life, invading his domain.  He is lonely, but an insane (according to the world) pseudo-profit of doom, is not a fit companion.  He is a simple, humble, man.  He has a nice little family.  A rabbit?  Maybe.  He has enough weight to carry.  It isn't me, but my message, that is heavy.  And, further, it really isn't for him.  Or even you.  As noted, it is just a thing, in the background, for me, as far as I can tell.

Never worry too much about it, in any case.  When a man can work himself to exhaustion, and then not sleep past reason, for eight, twelve, even fifteen hours, and in the past a day or three or week, his mind will bend a little to a lot.  As with last night and what I wrote.  So far beyond just mere exhaustion, but sleep was out of the question, so the deserts of the mind were travailed.  Things were seen, touched, explored, found, and some of it lost in the mists as my time ran down.

Never mind.  I hope you enjoy this Easter of mind and spirit, with family friends or on your own.  I hope you enjoy the world we are in and can yet contemplate the world to come.  It is, none of it, truly bad.  It is what we make of it, as is, and how we go forward with our givens and little crosses, that will make the difference.  We have had a Sibling show us that the monsters under the bed, while real, can't hurt us in the final truth.  It can be a long hard road, but it's not impossible, with faith, and a loving God.

Good day.

Innocent guilt.

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Not being able to sleep, I went in search of stories.  Music, movies, combinations of those.  Nothing.  Well, nothing out there.  In the search, for horror that was respectable and intriguing, I saw a wasteland of lost human endeavor.  But... that wasn't the tail, the horror, that came to my mind.

A thoroughly enchanting week.

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Oh, sure, aches and pain.  Fits of exhaustion.  Many of my planned projects went nowhere.  But the big things and some of the little things went ahead.  I am not quite to the point where I can always, with solid surety, pick what will and will not go forward.  I can, to a degree, focus.  The big things take a ton of effort, leaving little for the piles of small things.  And, no, I can't just fit small things in there, always.  It really is sort of like your cellphone having an half, perhaps a quarter, of the energy storage it is supposed to have, and recharging at a slower pace than usual.  A battery you cannot change, so must simply learn to arrange your needs around.  Now, the "batteries" are much stronger than they have been my entire adult life, to this point.  And recharge, at least when medication is going down like clockwork, is much faster.  But that is relative to me and yesterday, last week, last year, a decade, and two of those, ago.

I did miss one morning medication in the last two weeks, and I think one night.  But that was it.  The last time I checked diabetes, it was still at 200.  I don't get that, really.  Between fasting for several days at a time, not hitting much in the way of sugar, carbs, or even all that much meat, and taking 45 cc's of the goober juice, the numbers simple do not fall.  I have never had a dangerously low reading without the original insulin.  This stuff doesn't seem to be as potent.  It is supposed to be time release.  Dunno.  I am not seeing much difference between fasting and and after meal checks, but I haven't been checking day on day, as suggested, so I'm not sure that is a fair evaluation.  I'll try to run the tests better on the trip and when I return.  I'm into too many things, right at the moment. 

Oh, while I was goofing with shutting down for the night, I started looking at various flooring for my bathroom.  It is quite small.  I have to admit, some of the flooring that might be prohibitive for a larger floor might be affordable in my small bathroom.  Then again, with as many cuts as might be needed, the rental of a wetsaw might be a requirement addition.  Still, it would be nice to walk into a small but affordably luxurious bathroom for my various needs.  To some extent, as I see things, with a well mini-tiled shower, it is already nearly there.  A rather plain, but good hardwood, stained and lacquered, open, hand made vanity would cut costs and add greatly to the area.  I'm... just sort of spinning as I continue to expand into the world.

Tomorrow will be a day of rest.  I won't have much choice.  Monday as well, most likely.  My days and nights spin as I work and then have to figure out how to come down enough to go to bed.  I may have to figure out how to do things in the evening, even in the night, in order to keep it spinning.  A simple hike through town, perhaps, at night.  Keeping to the well lighted main street so as to not cause concern in residential areas, of course.  It has to be physical, and somewhat demanding.  My pack would go along, just so I become more familiar with it.  I don't think I'll need to survive in town.  Of course you never know.  Oh, the next time I am in town, I need to look for boot inserts.  For use now, perhaps, or at least as a thing to test, have on hand if I take it a bit far and need a bit of relief, and to keep on hand for a b.o.b. situation, where I am not prepared in my cycle but simply have to get going, and on foot.

I do feel my body tightening up.  It will take much more than what I am doing to cause any real affect.  But... start at the start, I suppose.  This is what I have, that is what I can do, I seem to be able so I am just doing it, time will simply have to fill out the rest.  Though, really, I doubt if I can actually work hard enough, or long enough, to actually change my body form, at this point.  I simply am not healthy enough to maintain what it would take.  Then again, as I said, I am not doing this for the sake of health.  Curiosity, specific interests, a few goals as to capacity.  Health?  I have sort of given up on that.  Nothing I do, or don't do, seems to fix that problem.  Medicines seem to be helping, a bit.  But I'm not sure I trust the docs.  I don't think they are on my side.  When living in the margins, I don't have the luxury of trust.  I trust what works and discard the rest, and much attitude. 

Marble tile floors?  It's actually potentially not as expensive as it might seem.  Though I need to make sure it is "waterproof", whatever I end up using... >.5% absorption, anyway.  I'm not sure, but I think going with lighter floors and perhaps slightly darker walls would be the effect I am after.  To enlarge the space, visually, if only of course an illusion.  To brighten the space, a bit, through reflection?  I'll be looking other small bathroom projects over as I ponder this thing.

Bedtime, if I can, I suppose.  Nah... a bit more music.  Just, I know I won't sleep.  Not yet.  Good night.

That went very well.

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A bit of shopping first.  No problems with memory.  Every time I go shooting I aim to bring more ammunition home than what I shoot, at least until I get my reserves in that caliber up to snuff, and add a bit of .45 ammunition once in a while as well.  The goal, for sidearms is 2k rounds.  Battle rifles, to my mind, require about 6k rounds.  And a long range rifle, where the goal is accuracy more than volume of lead, 4k-6k, as starts.  That would be enough to last a year or two of middling use, until trade, a return to some technology might kick, alternative technologies could be put into play, or some combination of those things might come together.  I bought less 9 mm than what I had intended, but I found 5 one hundred round boxes of .22 shorts.  They aren't my favorite, for function, but will work well enough.  They are fun to shoot though.  Since I was allowed to do so, I bought all five.  I meant to grab my .22 rifle on the way but... had second thoughts, wavering on whether to shoot any of it or not.  I have decided, but it will be next time we go out.

I also picked up a pocket knife I have been needing.  I gave one away and didn't think I would miss it as I have.  As well, I looked over the ferro rods.  I've been looking at them, online, for a while.  I have magnesium bars, or at least one, and other waterproof tinder.  But I had no ferro rods.  Waterproof matches, a good lighter, and some other things.  But... fire is just one of those things having backups to backups, as well as eventually learning how to carry coals, is vital.  Fire, put simply, is life.  It was our first magic, and remains so today if it is mostly hidden away behind walls, deep in the belly of our homes, automated and regulated, tamed to the point where we generally don't think about it.  One of these days that may not be quite the way of it.  Besides, there is something about fire that is so primal.  I think, when we first learned to corral it, and tame it passively, we saw something of ourselves in it.  This one isn't even a thing just for me.  Women... loves exploring it's secrets too, or many of the women I have known. 

I looked over what they had.  And I am glad to have seen the objects in person.  I could tell, right away, there were only two that would do.  Same size, but one was three or four times the price.  The reason, from a relatively close inspection, seems to be the handle.  But having done a touch of research, I have heard that almost all of the handles fall off with use.  So, I wasn't impressed with a fancy handle, or a fancy price.  I bought a couple of them.  Perhaps, with the lint and paraffin tinder, I will light the grill with these, with backups just a few steps away, of course.  I haven't tried the magnesium bars, either.  But I don't worry about that.  I know it works.

After that, I took my friend to the local tool shed so as to buy a few items.  He always has a project, or dozen, that requires a this or that.  And, I or he knows where this or that may be found.  It sort of reminds me of when a pal, in gradeschool, and myself, would go to the five and dime and figure out what we needed to make our Tonka Truck "construction" sites complete, or fill out our little green armies, or even how to decimate them.  War is hell, even for little green men, especially under the care and supervision of five to seven year olds.  *cough*  And... older.  Older just meant new and better means of elimination.  Though, I suppose, eating them at even younger ages might have been one of the worst fates of all?  What a humiliating elimination.  *smirk*

Finally, on to the range.  He brought a .38 super, a 9 mm, and a .380.  He loves guns and calibers like some women love flowers and nick-knacks.  I must admit, on this, I'm with him.  For myself I will stick with 9's and .45's.  But I do appreciate his form of diversity.  It comes down to availability, and cost.  The ammunition for a .380 and .38 super seem, finally, to be available, again.  But they come at a premium.  While .45's and 9's are available daily, they can still cost between $16-$25 for 50, and reloading (I suppose if you use lead, and cast yourself) is not a bargain.  Though I haven't run the numbers lately.  Then again, with reloading, availability has been, in the recent past at least, very on and off.  Powder?  Sure.  But no primers.  Primers?  Sure, but no bullets or powder.  We are being gamed.  Hard.  Still, I was quite pleased to find the .22s.  They were a bit pricey, but this brand usually is.  It was, pretty much, in line with what it used to be, given a bit of a ding regarding inflation (but inflation has been a serious thing lately, so it's reasonable).  If .22's ever become available again, I am stocking up about 10k on those.  Why?  When rightly priced, it is the cheapest ammo to practice with, get new shooters in on the game, and functionally isn't at all a bad round.  It can take a deer.  It can be used handily for self defense.  It is, when priced right, quite inexpensive.  It is an impressive little round.

I love it though.  While a little later than I hoped, and with some serious struggles with exhaustion for it, I have made it out three times this week.  I think?  I know I have, in any case, had three days of extra effort.  Yes, four days actually.  Monday I hit it hard.  Then a shoot.  Then a hike.  Then this shoot.  I think?  Can't... climb through the memory hole well, but I think so.  I am somewhere between red and brown now, given my general olive, on the much lighter side, complexion.  I brown up fine, given time.  Sore?  Sure.  Tired?  You bet.  As I said, that is the goal. 

Next week?  Probably one shoot with my friend, and a couple of hikes.  Or, that's the goal.  One hike to the dam, plus a target shoot, and of course... back to home.  Then a hike up into the mountains.  Most likely I will take the same path I took last time, up Green Canyon.  Anything else I can get in on the side is just gravy.  After that, perhaps, maybe, one more hike before the burn.  Although that would be a good week to get out and tinker with the garden.  Perhaps setting up the water runs for the drip feed water system.  I won't be planting until I return from the burn, if I can find plants that are good enough, hopefully heirloom, and at a price I can manage. 

I think, after this coming month, I am taking some time off from spending to gather a bit for a consideration regarding Burning Man proper, or some electrical work (220v 60a x 2 to the garage, along with a number of 120v 20a and 15a outlets as well), or flooring for the bathroom.  I haven't moved forward with the en suite because I want to change out the flooring, and put in at least a humble drip drain in the new flooring (though I may connect that to the drain proper if I think it's within my capacity).  Lots of things to think about.  Oh, with the new flooring would come a new 'water closet' and mirror arrangement.  No marble, Bermuda tile, onyx, or such, but at the prices they charge, you would think that would be included.  Then again, if I get my garage workstop together, perhaps I could produce my own stand and spend a little extra on a fashionable wash bowl and faucet or maybe this one with a nice square, flat-bottomed ceramic basin?  No, not a modernist, but I might steal a few notions from them that... strike my fancy and fit my wallet.

Oh, right, on to... something else or other.  Later.  I doubt if I will sleep for a while.  Too bad but oh well.  Yeah, later.

Well... There is that.

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I didn't get down until 8:00, or almost 9:00?  Something.  My friend, sometimes, is a bit hesitant to bug me.  Thankfully, today, he rang three times.  I got the last call and assured him I would be in.  And I will be, pretty shortly.  A good day, it looks, for shooting.  He asked about tomorrow.  But I know tomorrow will be no easier.  So I suggested we just hit it today.  A quick shower, shortly, then on to town.  I let him know I needed to pick up some ammunition, in case I forget by the time I get there.  Coffee would be good but I just don't have time.  By the time it is ready, I'd be showered and headed out the door.  Go cup, sure, but... more fuss, more time, and I'm running late as is.  Just... I guess I am bragging that I am actually getting out in spite of whatall. 

Later.

No sleep.

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I just can't find that magical path that leads to the nether realms.  Not awake, here and now, either.  A stranger in a strange land.  Then, to, I know this place better than I know sleep or waking.  It is where most of what I write is created.  The bother though.  I will go shooting, tomorrow, one way or the other and mostly on time.

I have all but given up on getting the FireFox profile transferred.  But I refuse to continue using FF.  So, I guess, for a while, I will be using Pale Moon, and transferring what I can before removing FF.  PM, by the way, is much faster.  I have some wonder if they didn't kick soandwhositz out so they could add in government or corporate spying, or other things.  I never believe the reasons given.  And, since he resigned, it may simply be that he wanted nothing to do with what was about to happen.  In any case, PM is my new browser.  I even went to Vox's, and tracked down his tutorial on how to make PM show as PM and not FF.  One user is just a drop in the bucket over at his place, but when you are going for the sweetspot, every millimeter counts!  Oh... that's gotta hurt.

Coffee.  Yeah, that would be good.  If I can't sleep I hate just drifting through fog.  Coffee, indeed.  Soda doesn't do it.  Coffee.  Hmm, music.  That Annie Lennox song really gets to me.  I never said I liked being me, always.  Then again, if you do, your are probably a psychopath.  Really.  And I don't always like the pieces of the story when they coalesce from the fog.  But there can be a certain horrible magic to it.  Then again, truth be told, such is the brutal nature of love, so I don't always give a shit either.  It is... a magical thing, the attempt to find love.  It's just as ugly as war, maybe more so since they try to paint it as a thing of pure beauty so that when the truth of it rips people apart, they often have no idea how hard it is.  I've mostly been immune.  Oh, a bit flustered about this or that, often knowing somewhere back in there that I was asking the impossible.  Save once.  But only after the funeral.  She never knew, not... really.  She thought she did, but... they all thought that way.  Not even sure it was true now, but the cost was high to learn... or let go of everything.  The first step into nothingness, anyway.  That, and a few other, passages, are rather narrow and problematic on my way back to the world.

Coffee.  Yeah.  That might keep me from... telling it straight.  You aren't ready.  Later.

A call.

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My friend.  He had his phone on mute yet received many calls today.  I don't think he could tell who all called, so I think he was checking.  No worries there, not here.  While I didn't call, I was thinking about tomorrow, yesterday in a few days, and shooting or hiking, here, or there, or... somewhere.  I think I wrote about it, if I never can be sure when a thought made it here or otherwise.  In any case, he believes a bit of shooting tomorrow sounds like a plan to keep.  I will pick up a couple more boxes of 9 mm while in town.  I'm going through the stuff as if I knew what I was doing.

Yes, floaty, lately.  Pushing allows me to divest of flesh, remembering the lives I used to lead when I am in a better condition, and putting those things into some sort of order.  Traveling into death, and back, changes a man.  Going there on a regular basis, and visiting the borderlands often, fundamentally changes the nature of the structure of what, perhaps even who, I am.  Perhaps even changing who I was.  Some things cannot be reckoned quite at this time.  Science can't go where it can't test and religion is run by men who are afraid of that dark, who avoid looking around some corners.  True, there is a cat around that corner, for the mice that are men, all men really.  But the cat isn't as mechanical, or simple, as some may believe.  Once you have been soundly introduced to the cat, and know it's claws and teeth well enough, you understand there is no need for fear.  But you can't tell the uninitiated any such thing.  They cling to their fear as they do to their lives.  It won't help them, whether the cat comes to play or do what they think is it's job.  True, most men only see that beast once, up close, and in person.  Perhaps I have become a bit... blase about the notion.

I must either seem a truly odd creature, a funny sort of storyman, a madman, or someone lost.  And while each has it's place, when the wind howls, the lightening strikes, and all you know is gone, perhaps you will remember a tale or two.  Perhaps you will see, in fear, that there truly is nothing to fear.  Even if what I write is just a collection of entertaining words.  Still, the hope, regardless of the nature of my writing, is that you pass on what you know and into Wisdom.  The rest is... just a mild pursuit for you, and me, I suppose.  That will work for now.  Just remember, when you hear the cat at your little mouse door, that I have indeed been in your shoes.  It isn't the cat you must fear.  It is the fear you must fear.  None of it is up to do, save what you choose to do, or not.

Yeah, it has been a slow day.  Neither awake nor asleep, resting.  Tired and a bit sore.  Satisfied with it, as with a decent meal.  It's been a while since I could work myself into this condition and still plan for more.  Hmm... seems like the girls are hungry.  Even to them, from time to time, I am a ghost.  Just... not at dinner time!  You never can tell until you have no choice?  Later.

Yeah, okay.

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I kept thinking I would just get up and go after pushing as I have.  For a while life was very easy.  Further, test runs went well.  Yeah, there was that.  So, I just assumed that a full run would be easy.  And, to a degree, it was.  What I failed to account into the equation was multiple expenditures of energy.  I simply, still, do not regenerate well or quickly when taxed over some limit.  And, so, yesterday, and today... I sit.  No matter of will, no laziness, no lack of want, exists.  Simply my body has nothing to give.  A few lessons learned, however.

First lesson is that if I am going out?  Spend everything I have and then some.  It honestly doesn't matter how much, or little, I spend, energywise.  I will need the same amount of recuperation regardless, after a certain point.  Now, I do have limits.  For example, what should be, say, a three day hike into the wilds, and back?  I could probably push in those three days, but maybe not get as far as a well versed wanderer.  Then?  I might need two, three, even four days, to recoup, and then begin the hike back out.  Which means, if I go in I will need to account for that with both food and water sources.  Those two to four days down I won't be able to collect foods, even fish.  I will be down, hard.

Another lesson is that no matter how good I feel, that doesn't have much relationship with what I can actually do.  I've died three times, I should know this.  Every time I died, that I remember... so at least two of those times, I went through a phase where I was sure, if I could just get up, I would be fine.  I just, thought... a hand up, a little walking around, I could walk it off.  The mind is a very interesting thing.  Sometimes it is in line with the body, sometimes not at all.  And because of feelings, emotions, when it is off, it can be polar opposite off.  Yeah, there is that.  How quickly I forget, and how deeply.  Gotta keep that in mind.

No worries.  I'll spend today, again, down.  I didn't get to a thing yesterday.  Nothing, no thing, natch, snake-eyes.  I am not sure I will get to much today, either.  Soreness, from stretching, hit me yesterday night and is here gangbusters today.  It isn't terrible pain, or debilitating stiffness, just... highly noticeable.  All good.  As I have said, this is exactly what I want and need.  Truth be told, I need to, pretty much, get to this level and try to keep it right about here, adding intensity as I am able.  A truly fit human is, sort of, miserable.  They are simply used to it.  I'm telling you, when you die, heaven or hell, you will no longer know this weight.  You will cry just for that.  But uhrm, I do advocate figuring the path to heaven.  All costs are gone there.

Yeah, it does feel good to ache.  And I love stretching against stiffness.  I have an outing planned for tomorrow, with my friend, unless it is raining.  If he asks for a raincheck, I may try to hike to the dam instead.  If my 5mph pace holds, one way should only be about 36 minutes, give or take.  A good rest when I get there, water consumption throughout, a test of my water filter, some target practice, another good long rest, then a hike back.  I figure, even if I can keep pace, it will take a good hour and an half, maybe two, at best.  Either tomorrow if my friend cancels, or Monday or Tuesday otherwise.  Then, later in the week, another hike or two.  I thought about biking, but honestly I want to hike to the dam a number of times, first, so that I actually appreciate the bike when I start using that.  Any time biking to the dam starts seeming a bore, I'll hike it to remember "why".  :)  You don't think I'm just a hardass on my people, do you?  Being a hardass starts at home, boys and girls.  Start with yourself, then empathy and sympathy for whiny babies dries up into hard smoke and a hard-on.  Yum!  Move them donkeys!  *Whipash!*

Later.

She asked why.

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Oh, I did give a bit of an answer.  I knew there were better answers.  Not that I went looking, but I found in spite of no real interest.  Perhaps it takes a woman to tell another woman some things.

Haunted, lately.

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How is it that a ghost is haunted I'd surely like to know.  Not my affair, other than the effects, I suppose.  Wrestling with her in dreams, awake, and between.  Them, also, at times.  And, of course, what I was, am, and may be... in time.  Time, of course, is never what it seems.  Most haven't seen around that corner, however, so stick with what they know.  It's less frightening to believe in straight lines as shorter paths and traverses being in a single direction, so I... leave them to it.  Only hinting at the greater bulk of the truth.