Sometimes a nap is perfect.

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Nothing fancy.  I'd push through if I could, or without choice.  I am not bound to them.  However, when want and opportunity collide, and the nap goes down just right, life can really improve.  This nap, unlike recent ones, actually ended with noticeable improvement in felt quality of life.  A bit more rested, a bit more pep, and all else, really.

It is good to have treats for the girls.  Now, they are used to two full meals a day.  I am mansplaining the new paradigm slowly.  You don't, not even with 10,000 men, cold-turkey ween cats off two meals a day.  They get bitchy.  And when I say bitchy, I mean the threat of being clawed to bleeding becomes very high.  So... since I don't want to throw them out for a day or two *cough*, I am giving them one meal and several treat times.  The treat groups are getting smaller, and closer together.  Yeah, they know where that is going, but... t'sokay, mostly.  Dosage, boys and girls.  It's bio-chem, not control.  Make it work for whoever you are working with and they will work with you.  Not so much negotiating.  I will have it as I need it.  More tweaking so as to reduce comfort on the way to my needed way, and their better health, really.

I let my mother know of my plans for the spring.  It took a while to formulate it, for sure.  Simply time, health, money, and the fallout of all else, simply didn't allow for a trip this fall.  But next spring, perhaps, a trip to visit several folk, then to to see my mother.  Perhaps lining up some other folk on the way back.  Just a drop, stop, salutation, and continuation.  Some new perhaps, some old.  I actually do like folk.  And, can, for moments, bite my lip if they aren't up to it, or not, if they want to go three rounds with the Titan kin, in word only mind you.  As one wishes it, really.  Hmm, and some house gifts to take along.  What to bring is always... you don't want to just ask, but you don't want to...  Travails of the road.  I'll let some folk know, pretty soon, the new deal.

I should be better by then.  And spring is a great time to travel.  Plus, splitting the month, gas and other travel costs are artificially split between two months.  Head out a week before the end of the month and come back in the middle of the next month.  Just getting on the road, for a bit, again, sounds good.  Seeing folk is a true joy for us cave-dwellers, stuck in our dark demesne.  Maybe I'll get to see a wonderful thunderstorm while out there.  We get them here, now and again.  But, and while wonderfully due to the rarity of tornadoes, we are rather protected here, so don't really get that kind of volume of storm.  This is an excellent valley, but doesn't have the raw wildness of weather to which I have obtained a dangerous love.

Oh... on to some gaming, I suppose.  Later.

Very odd.

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I feel a lot better this morning.  It doesn't make sense.  I don't have much drive, but I don't have anything in the fore or background that nags, bights, hurts, or confuses.  I'm almost feeling a bit feisty, or ornery, in the better ways?  Not up to fighting speed on that, mind you.  Enough to spit out a lolling chuckle at you or even me, perhaps.  Nothing fancy, just enough to begin a fine small row.  You eightball!

I know I dreamed, just not what.  Some dark, but turned out well.  Mostly things like remembering home cooking and the comforts of home.  Well... a non-bachelor home.  Women can create that, but they have to be defended in doing so, supported.  Men have no natural drive to it.  I am sort of stuck with it, but don't do it well even so.  It's not natural to me.  Though I think, even for women, it has to be taught and then chosen.  Which requires a mate who demands it and a goodly bit of learning.  Learning contrary to what is found in colleges.  I don't think I have ever had a male friend who can honestly take care like that.  Maid services, wives, or they live like me.  Intent means nothing.  Anyway, it was mostly good dreams, the little I can recall.

I don't take it as an omen, it just happens to be good when waking and dreaming life are all on the better side of things.  A break, so that if tomorrow is tough again, I can bear down a bit better and carry on through.  Life isn't horrible, just lately.  I, or someone else, tinkers with one thing, and I will suffer.  I can figure out how to live without this or that, or probably even all of it.  That time is approaching, actually.  It's just better for me to climb down from dosages in a more controlled manner, or at least on the big medicines.  Yes, the time is coming.

It sure feels life fall.  Leaves are beginning to fall.  It is overcast in that particular fall way.  Is it that the angle of the sun adds to the depth of shadow, or weakness of felt sun even in the overcast?  Something in there.  Fall, as spring, are among my favorite bits.  Winter for it's own, and different, reasons is also a favorite.  Summer?  Not so much, but so vital I try not to fuss.  Though this summer was as good as it gets.  I just wish I had been more able to get out.  Then again, as I suggested, most of the western world considers 85(ish) F weather to be a heatwave.  So into the mid 90's and above is just not a reasonable temp to be getting out.  Even for the young that is a stretch.  Even with scattered cool days, it was just too much.  I honestly think a whole-house ac might make that more doable though.  Just target the outings and have a cool home waiting.  I'm sure thinking about it.  It would add to sale value, a bit anyway.

On to my day.  I won't be playing the one game I went on to try.  Another Castlevania continuation, but a 2-d cartoon platform type.  Just... not quite my style.  It's so... 1980's!  Bleh.  I can't believe they made the second game AFTER the first.  It would be like building a '57 Chevy to then go on and building a model T!  No wonder game builders can be hated.  Though the dlc for the first game was junk.  Stupid hard with no real play value.  I think the only reason it was played was the hunger for something like that first game, then being trapped by the (initial) expense of the dlc components.  They HAD to play the money off.  Even kids understand.  Well, that, and because they blew there money on that, they didn't have it for something else.  I just wish there was a way to hold game makers responsible for their goods.  As is they get away with murder.

Hmm... I ought to get back to reading as well.  I like reading again, just lost track in illness.  If I fear there isn't much content for good sci-fi, even with Castillia House churning them out.  At the pace I read, or can read... I fear not having books in a while.  Oh, and as I get going, I may go back to real books.  While ebooks have their place, they require an ereader.  I may be getting rid of mine, by getting rid of my smartphone pretty soon.  I am not sure I want to buy a replacement.  Then again, two months without the smart phone will see me to enough savings to buy a very good kindle.  Actually, I'd probably go with a 10" fire tablet.  Which would be about the same price as two months smartphone bill, including peripherals, minus the cost for some phone service to replace the cellphone.  I actually do like kindle now.  It's convenient.  If convenience is not necessarily a good thing.  Can they alter books electronically, without permissions?  I figure, once everyone is using ebooks, they will begin changing things, over time, to a horrible future.

Later.

Taking it easy.

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Okay, two blood sugar tests so far.  One "last night" (early morning, perhaps 5:30 or so), then one this afternoon (which was... this afternoon... yeah, my sleep is off,  or was "last night").  One was after eating and drinking, the other was after ten to twelve hours of fasting, both were the same.  Yeah, I'm telling you, it's just odd.  I'll finish off the last of my treats.  Since they don't seem to be helping or hurting, and I've been without that for some very long time.  Going without treats, when the bod gets a taste of it, it sort of vetoes the intellect.  More so when the intellect doesn't seem to be able to prove it's point even in simple observational reviews.  Fasting, even starving, or eating right, or taking medicine... my numbers are either good or bad without having any relation to the others.  Which, as I suggested, probably means it's heart issues, not diabetes in actual fact.  It's just that the organs that control insulin aren't getting enough blood.  So that creates an indication of something that isn't really there, so treatments won't necessarily affect it.  Though they can help, maybe, which is why I bother.  The addictive properties of insulin though... perhaps with outside insulin coming in, my body... heart... just lets those organs hang.  So when I stop taking insulin I can really floor out quickly.  My heart doesn't notice quickly enough to get blood going back to the, what, kidneys?  Whatever.  Not until it is way too late.  Or maybe it can't pull them out of mothball status quickly enough.  Something like that.

I'll be getting to bed at a good time tonight.  From shortly to a few hours from now, I'll hit it and probably sleep well.  Ah, I also picked up my vitamins.  I try to keep about a three to six month supply of the various things I take.  That should be enough, if supply dies, to ween myself, stretching it all out to six months to a year.  I could increase the over-the-counter stuff as well.  I can't, completely, go without pharmaceuticals, but I might be able to patch with otc as I ween off even that.  Yeah, I'll survive.  I'll just suffer like having a limb chopped off every few days or weeks as I get over some things.  I just don't get to die.  If living with a bad heart is rather painful.  I might go back to the fog, of pain and confusion.  Though, knowing what I do, and that it isn't psychological, means I have something to work with, and there are otc's that, at the worst, might mitigate a bit to a lot.  I am impressed with some of the stuff.  If they cut me off of this stuff to, I'll have to go to it.  All I need to do is keep the numbers in some sort of order.

Gaming, today.  I may just boot the first of the dlc game content.  It's too much of just a pain.  That simply isn't fun, at least not at my age.  If kids want to stick their hands in blenders, let them.  It's just not my gig.  I may just go on to the second part of that game, or F.E.A.R 3.  Yeah, no, I've not played a lot of games I have shown in music videos.  Still, I knew the music and game or movie or whatever did fit, or I wouldn't have used them.  Odd how I almost magically find those things, then they lead me to the other things.  They fit the dreams, not the other way around.  It just amazes me to see some, much, of what I discuss, so well set out.  Anyway.... Later or good night.

Oh, I know.

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The stories I tell are way out there.  And yet in dreams, visions, and such... they all fit.  I won't say they are kind.  I can't say that a vision, or sight, or dream, or notion, is true.  Neither can you.  All I can do, for myself, is look at the material and see if it could be, to my way of thinking.  Is any given woman beautiful?  Is any lot of material a specific weight?  Is any specific truth absolute?  Is a truth that is not typical yet a truth?  I mean, for exampling, and assuming the Resurrection was a fact, does a one-time event make a fact a truth?  Sure, in time it is said, all will be resurrected.  But that is something taken on faith.  So it cannot be added to the equation.  Again, I ask, does one otherwise impossible act make a fiction into a fact?  So it is with these dreams and such.

Yes, last night, I dreamed.  The darkness of times past was yet there.  It was shaped, and caressed, into a form that, when added with the rest, brought understanding.  Such depth of darkness, seen in fullness, needs powerful, full, and true light to overcome.  So it was.  Putting it all together in order to move forward, again, perhaps?  Dunno.  Just that it all came to a point, but a... kindly one last night.

That doesn't add up.

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Sure, I drank a bit of soda, regular type, tonight.  A treat.  But I haven't been drinking the wrong stuff, and not eating enough to make a difference since I saw my doctor last.  And yet my blood sugar read, again, just as when I last saw him, in the mid 500's.  It just doesn't make sense.  I am even up to regular doses of medicine.  It make sense, to a degree, by how I feel.  But it doesn't make dietary sense at all.  No sugars, no carbs, mostly fats and proteins.  Some days you just want to throw in the towel, because nothing you do does a bit of good.  To heck with it, I'm going to have the rest of the soda and a few shots of whiskey.  Nah, won't beat it to death, but, like, doing the right thing does any good!

Bah!  Oh, and good night.

Wonderful!

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A shower, and at least a beard trim.  Then on to town.  I have been feeding the girls twice a day, since I am out of treats.  My preference is to feed them once (wet food), keep dry food at their leisure, and then offering them a decent helping of treats in the evening.  This generally works, and is affordable.  Wet catfood is a bit spendy.  Dry is cheap, but not as good for them.  And... treats are treats.  We all need our daily of junkfood.  Even a bit too many grapes, or too much peanut butter with apple slices.  Yeah, it's junk food.  Better classes of junk food, but...  Junk food none the less.

I also went shopping for a blood sugar tester.  The one that W.M. offers, with 50 days supply, would have cost the same as the (I hope) tester (alone) that uses test strips the V.A. has sent.  There are no returns on these, so it was a risk.  I'll check... soon enough.  Bleh.  A bite to eat on the way back, a few other items I needed, and I checked the mail on the way home.  Something from medicare.  I have the part that might cover hospital stays, to a degree.  But not the other part.  That would cost money, a lot of money, and would be no better than the V.A.  Bureaucratic medicine.  No thanks.  I'll pay or skip, I believe, pretty much at this point.  That keeps the government out of the office, to a degree.  Better dead then red, boys and girls.  Definitely better dead then red.  *wink*

To bed, soon, I am sure.  Trying to finish up the last part of a dlc game bundle.  The guide I was using remitted a major point, and it wasn't at all clear in-game what to do.  It would be like discussing driving but never bringing up the topic of breaks, or steering.  Idiot.  Oh well, I've got it now.  Now just to implement it.  Good night.

A bit annoying.

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I have finally gotten to where life is... well... it isn't bad.  I don't feel like I am going to tip too far into the bad, if I won't be drifting into the good anytime soon either.  A solid bleh.  Trust me, right now, that is good enough.  When you sense that you are hanging on for dread life, and that stays for a long time, even if you don't fall into the boiling oil or drift off into nomans' land, just holding on becomes a terrible strain.  So, not having to hold on so tightly, even if not able to dig more deeply into the apple that can be life... at least for a while, that is good enough.

Some good and bad things though.  I am finally able to truly wear my 38 waste jeans.  When I moved here I was pushing size 46.  My real goal is 34, my best was 31 waste.  I am 2/3rds the way to my goal.  That's the good.  I think.  The bad?  I can't seem to drink enough.  Water, milk, coffee, juice, sugar-free punch, doesn't matter.  It seems like I am dying of thirst.  I have to drink, at the very least, a gallon and an half a day.  Though I would guess I am hitting more like two to three gallons a day.  It's not dehydration.  As I have mentioned.  I have fixes for that which aren't working.  It's almost an obsessive-compulsive thing, though not of a psychological nature.  Something in my body has a need, or sends the impulse as if it did.  It's a biological issue.  Thankfully, so long as I keep up on the water pill, and the rest, I am usually able to stay dry in the body.  No serious swelling, though sometimes a sense of fullness... but just occasionally.  I have been on full doses of insulin for just three days.  And, insulin along with the water pill, at least for me, both tend to manage the waterworks.  Perhaps, after a bit, this crushing desire for fluid will relent.

Hunger, too, is an odd thing.  As I said, it is rare for me to have hunger.  And yet, when eating, or more eating and drinking, I don't have a very good limit.  I can almost happily, sometimes, eat just a bit.  Or I can consume large amounts.  It is a very strange thing.  And, yes, this is unusual.  The last few years, when I kept up on medicine, as I have been able to remember and focus (even if not always to physical action mind you), I have been normalizing with food, and to a degree drink.  These, both of these, are out of whack.  At least I am aware.  Not sure if there is much to do, probably just getting back on medicine rightly.  That's it.

Dreams of women.  Oh, yeah, I do give them razz.  Seriously.  And razz they quite deserve, and more often than not, desire.  Right up until they don't.  Razzleberries are actually a little sister's best friend.  It means she is worth the risk.  Dreams, daydreams, and thoughts.  Not so much sexual.  While sex is a wonderful thing, it's really only a part of what a woman offers (at least to a man).  Mostly my thoughts have been about the companionship, the help both ways, the different things we bring to the relationship.  A good woman is truly worth her weight in gold, and then some really.  Eternal gold, the coin of the realm of truth, that is what her weight is in.  And, as is God's way, we, if we are right men, can clarify that gold to it's purest form.  Each a part and value and use.  Fine thoughts, they have been, quite fine.

Hmm...  It's a bit late.  Still, I might take a shower and make a run to town.  Nothing fancy.  Perhaps a stop for a blood glucose tester, since I simply haven't been able to find mine.  I really have looked, I gave it as long as I could.  It just didn't show up as it usually does.  Gah!  Well, that and something to eat.  Yeah.

I have been enjoying Castlevania: Lords of Shadows 1, anyway.  The dlc (download content... an addition to the game) hasn't been so great.  Mostly puzzles without any real way to solve them.  I don't mind puzzles.  I just don't care for, essentially, rubics cubes.  Oh, you had a friend who could do those well?  No you didn't.  You had someone who practiced from a cheat sheet.  You can't solve a rubics cube, or create the solution, on your own.  Now, are all these puzzles at that level?  No, but they don't need to be.  At a thousandth, or even millionth, the difficulty, they are still outside the pleasure range for even genius level folk.  There are two dlc's for this first part, not sure how the next will be.  Glad I didn't fork out the original costs.  For the game it was, say, $70 new.  And the dlc's were $15 each.  Plus I got the next game in the series, so another $70, and maybe a dlc package for that.  But without a third dlc, that is $170, and for waiting I bought it all for $15?  Something like that.  And it is just as good.  Most new games just aren't worth the extra.  And if they are good, will be just as good in two or three years.  So few games are worth it, that until they are $15, I don't even care to buy... maybe $30 if I knew and liked the franchise.

Well... later.

That's a change.

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I can't remember the last time I woke up hungry.  Weeks, months, maybe even years.  Sure, I had been trying to eat in the morning, some various time after waking.  But it was more to try to keep the fire stoked than a felt need.  Heck, I haven't actually been hungry, like this, with an actual feeling involved...  It's rare.  It surprised me.  No reason for it, one way or another.  I think I can fix it, in a bit.  Coffee first.

I won't say I am, otherwise, feeling better or not.  There are aches and pains, if light.  Those could be echoes from the past or mild precursors of what will be.  Until I more fully recover I simply will go through more rough than not.  And I can't seem to know until I wake well enough.  That part isn't exactly new, just more typical than usual.  It's every day lately.

My day is sliding.  From 7:00, or so, for several weeks, then to 8:00 for a week maybe, and perhaps to 9:00.  I keep trying to shove it back, but slip and stay awake later or simply miss my morning goal for no known reason.  I might try to use the alarm to get to bed and wake earlier.  I really, honestly, like the 6:00 to 7:00 wake-up, which requires a 22:00 to 23:00 bedtime... unless I need more sleep on a particular day, which can be survived for a single day, but not if it becomes a pattern.  Some day(s) I need more like ten or twelve hours of sleep, but I can't get to sleep earlier when my system is fussing like that.  Then again, sometimes I can only sleep four to six hours.  It's tough to keep a schedule, or I would at least be trying to work, or go to school.

Never mind.  Technically awake, definitely hungry, not much to do about any of it until it is more than a technicality.  Hmm... I am sure I have salami and goat cheese, chevre if you prefer, I think?  That should do, in a bit.  Later.

Changed my mind.

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It just that the temp can dip a little too much.  So the fluffballs have been given a reprieve.  I doubt if it would get cold enough to damage them.  I simply am not willing to take the risk.  I have let them know, however, that they are in under an assumption of good behavior.  More fussing like last night, or even a touch too much, and I will put them back out.  And I will indeed.

I'm still not feeling great.  I could do something, and probably a surprising amount of work, but it would have to be life or death.  I still feel like I am just hanging on.  What I have seen in these recent years is the sense doesn't match the reality.  Usually.  I do believe, if I had to push for long, I'd be in trouble.  At some point I would simply collapse until I could recover.  Actually, to a degree, that is where I am at.  I really would be better off if I could get whole house air conditioning.  I may call around this winter, see who could do what, at what price... get quotes really.  I would also like new vents, and vents that go into my bedroom and this computer room.  Perhaps a new furnace as well, though perhaps one with an alternate blower, so if electricity drops I would still have heat.  Though those projects may be consecutive years rather than one project, depending on quotes.  Being a stone home, it's also best to go with a bit "too much" than a bit undersized systems.  Once you GET IT cooled or heated, you are good.  But getting it over that hump can be difficult.

Oh, right.  Feeling rough.  I do wonder about keeping the cave at a steady temp, or being able to really push the temp to where I need/want it, if that would help.  I know sometimes it would.  Right now, though, I don't think anything is going to help but staying on medicines, keeping that up, and sticking with it, plus recovery time.  It really is rough, and will be until... well... until it isn't rough again.  On the good side, when I survive and recover, I seem to get near normalizing capacity.  I just feel extremely tired, a bit out of it, the body is just slight sore, concentration and/or focus are simply weak.  It's just mush.  I got to hit the accelerator and my foot runs into a two-banger engine allowance.  *squish*  There is just nothing there.

I did figure out one problem.  My debit card, in spite of me calling in to set the code, is not activated.  Huh?  Well, it seems, just because you prove you have the card by giving all the data, calling them in the first place, and changing numbers through them, that doesn't activate it.  Fine.  I'm not being fussy, just didn't know.  And, maybe that is better.  I simply have to use the pin I chose to check my balance at any atm.  I can do that, soon or late.  I'd like to do it tomorrow, if I can wake, shower, shave, and get out.  Hmm... I'd also like to attempt to put a 'v' crimp in the rebar, and get out shooting soon.  I need to target in the iron sights, I'd like to get a box of .45 downrange as well, and just... enjoy being out.  I couldn't hike or kayak.  Too much, too new.  But I might just get some target practice in.  I'd sure like to get a good spotting scope before long as well.  Bleh... too much, too fast, too many, too few... all at once.  Then again, I am getting there.

Good night.

They simply don't know?

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Well, most likely.  I set out to find the probability of winning a computer mahjong game.  Mahjong?  A computerized form of a type of Chinese game (though the Japanese also play a version, and perhaps to other Orientals).  The game seems to be played by four players, but that game is translated to being played by one person against the computer.  The computer game version is a lot like klondike, the solitaire singular card game.  Finding no pages regarding probability relating to mahjong, I went in search of such for klondike, hoping there might be a connection in there somewhere.  Not so much.

As it turns out, even the number regarding klondike seem to be unavailable.  Assuming all knowledge (knowing where all the cards are), the failure rate is 8.5%.  The problem is, the game is played in such a way that knowing where all cards are is against the rules.  In such case, the suspected number of wins, assuming a player plays perfect games, but without knowledge, is 50%.  Still, that hasn't actually been figured out, from several sources I have read.  Basically the number crunchers can't or haven't figured this out.  Which... if I had to guess, means that they haven't figured out mahjong, which I think is probably trickier.  Though they might be closer.  Sometimes, when given the number of tiles, I am not sure if they are discussing the four person game or the electronic, or at least solo, game, which are very different.

I didn't say I could figure everything out in a snap.  Some things I will never figure out.  Talent, patience, time, and all else... including raw interest.  As of today, I have run out of interest on this topic.  It may or may not return.  If it returns, I may have to dig out a couple of math books on various subjects and begin crafting a solution, revising that, tuning it, finding a solution, checking that with others, or... not.  Can I?  I can certainly begin, and get where I get, as correctly or not as possible.  So, yes, and... well... maybe not.  Later.  Oh, as to the game, I only win about a third of the time.  Which, might or might not be good.  I might be able to base some of my work on how they set up the numbers regarding klondike, just changing them a bit.  But if they couldn't figure out klondike, then I may well not be able to figure out mahjong.  But, if I can find a base probability for 'with knowledge' percent solvable (8.5% unsolvable for klondike, with knowledge), and 'expected outcome' (about 50%, by general observation of good players), I might find some similar sort of ratio, or expected possible ratio of win to loss.  Lot of dang work to just have a best guess solution, and to probably guess that my percentage wins are probably as good as it gets.  But I'm just dying anyway.  As we all are, if at various speeds with dissimilar proximity to death, if also with absolutely no guarantee that any of that means a thing on a one on one comparison basis, only that, at some point, everyone dies.  I think?  :p

Is your mind good and numb?  Good, good.  Wait until I wake up, if I ever fully wake up again.  Just understand, the best thinkers are... usually just wrong in a more profound manner.  Don't let a single one of them fool you for an instant.  But don't, also, completely reject... unless you are sure enough to become one of them.  Bleh.  Later!

Reviewing the biggest hits.

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Of my blog, that is, for today.  Choices, Perspective, and Gnarly Headache, in that order.  And It seems just about right.  Then, this morning at about 5:30, Sam came in and ripped my foot open, at the ankle joint.  Tired of being backstabbed, and realizing it was a twofer - Sam attacked me because Sassy had gone hungry insane and was attacking her, I tossed them both out for a two day understanding exercise.  More so since not only had I fed them twice (since I am out of afternoon treats for their evening nibble... on top of always having dry food), but after my later evening trip to town, I purchased two sandwiches but could only really eat one as it turned out.  So I split a quarter pounder between them... quite a haul, really.  So Sam had absolutely no reason to attack me and certainly not to draw blood, and Sassy had absolutely no reason to attack Sam driving her to attack me.

Look, if you want to attack me, supposed old friend, pet, or what... no matter than I am still in hard-core recovery for my life, just understand I will always have the will to deal with stupid, mean, evil, or dark, as I see fit.  I may not, always, have the base physicality to deal with it, at least in my eyes (though I suggest you not test that, truly truly), but I will always have the will.  If the way is affordable, I will have that too.  Do not fuck with the ogre and stay within range.  Best not to make him aware.  He will kick your ass out, away, or down, as is called for, or give it one hell of a shot.  Not vengeance, not even anger, just staying alive and sane and moral in a fallen world as best as I am able.  If you choose evil, stay away.

A bit heartsick from having to deal with these things of late, freezer, past friend, backstabbing pets...  all while recovering.  But I won't negotiate.  I will teach, guide, toss, even while I bleed out, don't you even think otherwise.  Later.

Choices?

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Consequences.  It's not like you haven't been told.

Perspective.

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I saw this the other day, and meant to post it.  I got busy and a bit upset, so my mind lost focus.  Still, it is another day.  I have gotten over it all and will simply get back up and get going.  And I will post this.  Enjoy.

h/t and thanks to: The Jawa Report

Perspective, such a wonderful thing.  I know I need it, from time to time.  Later.

Gnarly headache.

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I slept wrong.  The odd thing is, I woke for or five times last night just to adjust my pillow(s).  I tried my favorite two in my favorite way at first, then went to one, then the other of my favorite pillows, and then tried another pillow in two different ways.  So... it's not actually from sleeping wrong, so much as there was no way to sleep right.  Something in my neck and head, of muscle, bone, and maybe ligament, was just off.  A few anacin as I wake.  No, I am not going to, probably, let it throw me off.  I told my friend I would be in to town today and I meant it.  Which means a shower before too long.

Hmm... I may see about something that will bring out a lot of fluid.  I need to empty the freezer.  I had half a dozen bags of ice in there, is why so much water.  I keep two big ones in there for general use, but was buying small ones to put in with the perishables, in the ice cooler, so as not to have to rush.  Milk goes bad fast in a vehicle even when it's just in the 80's out there.  Above that and it goes very quickly.  Cream too.  I am sure there is a mechanical device that will pull the water out.  It should be melted, the bits of ice left.  And perhaps still cold enough to keep the smell at bay, to a degree.  After the water is pumped out, I will simply repackage the bad meat in grocery bags, then refreeze it all to toss next week.  Bleh.  Hate to see that much meat just get thrown.  It really does hurt my feelings.  I thought I was stone, and usually am.  This just caught me off guard.

I have decided, rather than buying a stake/rebar-puller, I will simply bend the rebar (I am hoping that is easy enough with a sledge hammer), then buy a... say six foot... length of steel pipe.  Using the pipe as a lever-remover should work.  If the ground is a little too grippy, yet too soft, a big rock at the lever point should do.  At worst I am simply out of some rebar... or until I can figure that out.  :p  Being hungry makes Johny a clever boy.

Bah!  Sam is sitting here, doing eye-to-eye.  Yeah, she knows when she is right.  And, if I work with her and Sassy, they generally do me right back.  Anyway.  Breakfast it is, at least for the ladies.  Then some gaming as I try to wake and shake the pain, as I prep to get a shower going.  Later.

Freezer heartburn.

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I realize recently that the freezer was not plugged in.  I have been considering how best to deal with it.  Today is trash day, but there is a weight limit.  While I couldn't get an exact weight, I definitely kept the idea in mind.  I asked a neighbor about some things.  He hoped, perhaps, that one of the cats unplugged it.  I didn't think so even then, but less so now.  The thing was plugged in in such a way that it would have to have been pulled at 90 degrees, then pulled about a foot through a tight area, to end up where it was.  No... this was human action.

I had used at least half, perhaps more, of the hog I had in there.  But most of that beef I recently bought was destroyed too.  The real question is why someone would do that. and if they will do it again.  Simply, I have no defense against this sort of crime.  I knew someone(s) were stealing.  I just didn't realize they would do this sort of thing too.  There are some ideas about who it might be.  Though whether it is just one person/group or not I won't know.

As is I pulled about 2/3rds of the rotten meat and disposed of it.  I am leaving the freezer open to finish the thaw, then will attempt to dry-sack several portions of it, refreeze those so that they won't stink up the place more than it is now until next trash day.  I will have to consider whether to even buy large portions of meat in the future.  That not only hurts personally, it hurts my wallet heavily.  I can't afford that kind of a loss.  Then again, my refrigerator isn't even safe.  I can't stay here all the time, and apparently my home is not safe.  Make it safe you say?  That isn't really possible.  Once you do make the place safe, at a certain level, if they continue they simply become more destructive than they already are.

Not exactly sure what to do.  I'll be thinking on it.  That's a lot of money just gone.  And a total lack of security.  Later.

Good, just an ugly good.

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I am on the right side of life.  But a messy form of it.  Everything I do is an effort.  As good as things are, for the most part, I am on the line.  I know that just a bit more and I will be over that edge, drowning in pain and suffering.  That haunts my every decision, and has for weeks... months.  Despite that, I have worked to keep days and night in their right places, to take care of the girls, to take care of myself.  Sometimes I fail that latter, but I do okay with the rest.  Lots of slips regarding domestic life.  Though I think that is pretty typical for men.  If home life cannot be automated, it won't be very successful.

The world has certainly cooled.  I just wish I was feeling up to getting out.  It'll keep getting colder, but to a point where it is too cold.  Not too cold for my enjoyment, more that it will become too cold to get started in the first place.  Though, who knows.  If medicine gets back on track, and I don't have the doubt of all this over my head so can dig my way out, perhaps I can reactivate strongly.  When your medicine source doesn't mind lying to you and to your doctor's office, it's difficult to trust these people.  I wonder if my doctor would be able to test the medicine, to make sure I am getting what is written on the bottle.  Yeah... and just think, you'll be getting Zerocare soon.  Especially since Republicans politicians have figured out how to make money on the scam too, and won't be subject to it.

This week?  This day?  I'll keep trying to set things right, stay on medications as well as I am able, and look for opportunities to do more.  It is truly fantastic out there.  I feel like a kid who is really sick, so is kept inside.  Looking out on the world from his sickbed.  The closer to health I get, the worse that feeling.  And, I realize, just how long I have been locked away.  All of my adult life, mostly.  Much of that time I just didn't realize how locked down I was.  I was too sick to understand.  Lost, almost totally, in the shadows of living death.  That the realization rips me up, actually, is a symptom of an improvement... a vast one.  How terrible is that?

On with my day.  Be well.

Up since early.

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Doing well enough, I guess.  Lately, when waking, it takes a while to know how I am doing.  I've been up for three hours and yet have no clue how the day will go.  I may need a nap before too long, I've been needing one each noon for the last few days.

All of my food is experimental currently.  From quinoa to kefir, what exactly makes those turn out as I like is odd.  I prefer kefir to be thicker, more like a milk shake.  But I don't care to eat the kefir grains themselves.  Sometimes I get it to work out just right, sometimes not so much.  There are various things you can do to affect it.  But that isn't all that plays a role.  I think the simple temp, along with humidity, play roles.  I don't know how fussy it is, or if it just varies or if there are even other variables that play a significant role.  My guess is this sort of stuff will take years, and perfect mastery may simply not be possible.  I think chefs do it because they create an nearly exact environment through heating by baking and cooking, and some other things.  A home, at least my home, isn't set up to create an exact environment.

Fall is certainly here.  It is very good, to me.  Cool.  If I could just get going, it is the perfect weather to be out on trails, or such.  If nothing else, I may see about setting up the hammock out back, and tarp, and spending a night or two outside.  It would be a lot more fun to do it out on a trail, mind you.  I just don't have what it takes right yet.  There is some hope, with medicine finally at a normal level.  Docs have suggested that not using tobacco helps with the medication.  To be honest, I think even now what I thought when I used... that is bunk.  As I said, the only reason medicine has attacked tobacco is because big tobacco gave solely to conservative politicians and doctors are leftists.  Plus, at the higher tiers of medical politics, the elites wanted government in medicine for control, power, and to a degree wealth (government involvement always mean inappropriate expenditures some hacks can feed off).  With Zerocare now in play, as those elites wanted, they are hoping to use the government to control much of what you do... from tobacco to anti-raw milk to whatever they can get the government to force you to, or not to, do.  All for their enrichment, not your betterment.  Just understand that.

Hmm.  Yeah.  I could be wrong.  I'm just not.  By their deeds you will know them.  And they are very well known.

Later.

I did make the quinoa.

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My measurements might still be off.  The "cup" that comes with the cooker isn't a full cup, would be my guess.  Still, that I was much more careful seems to have helped.  This American grown quinoa, while not quite as good, is probably good enough.  Though for as little as it saves, I'm simply not sure if it is preferred.  I'll think about it.  And, I will try another batch soon, though this time I will measure the volume of the "cup".  I took it as a cup this time, but I don't think it is, as I think back on things.  Afterthoughts sort of stink, but better to have them going forward than to have to try to figure out what the problem is without that.

Brots, quinoa, and milk made for a reasonable meal.  I'll put the quinoa up, I only made a small batch so it will go fast.  I just wanted to try to work without much scale, first, before trying too cook more at a time.  I think quinoa may have to be cooked on it's own.  Which is fine.  Perhaps I can cook the lentils and rice together though.  A lot of experimentation.  It seems to take forever.  But I am figuring stuff out.  Honestly, I don't even mind making mistakes.  It really is the only way to honestly learn.  Which is why real learning is both expensive and sucks.  *smile*

I might do a few more redoing of a few levels in the game, then go on to bed.  It's just about that time.  Good night.

Wow. Good.

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While I was looking over this and that online, and just waking, I lost some time in there.  Two hours went by while I was distracted.  As I finished some minor tech and social tasks, and refined my order list for a new computer... a maybe if travel doesn't happen this fall (thinking about a spring rain-check on that though)...  as I drew focus back from the minute to the full life mode, I saw it.  Life had improved a great deal from before the nap, and after it.  Life is good.  Pain is extremely mild, what of it I can feel.  Yeah, there is pain under there, being managed.  But felt has reduced, as has even unfelt.

Today, for certain, the nap helped.  It just wasn't obvious at first.  I am a lot less reluctant to nap, especially if I find a way to take one midday.  After yesterday I was becoming a bit nervous.  A midday nap that goes too long, or a nap being required too late in the day, can mess things up.  I am finally back to days, and I am hoping to keep it that way for as long as possible.  With the day getting shorter, that's always a trick.  Toss in weird naps though...  That may not be the case.

On with life.  I still haven't made another batch of quinoa, with less water added.  I might get that going, then heat a couple of brots to go with it.  I'm not really hungry, if eating shouldn't be too much trouble.  It is more working up the gumption to cook food.  I'll give it a shot.  Later.

Mumbling through naps.

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For me, a nap is, usually, right at two hours.  I take that sleep because of need, sometimes want.  I can only take them, no matter my condition, when they will happen.  Often I feel the need or want but cannot fall asleep.  Usually I know this beforehand.  A nap usually puts me in a better situation.  Yesterday, and probably today, my nap, upon waking, didn't seem to have helped.  A bit of thinking, and more time awake after the nap yesterday, and I believe I am in better shape, it's just that compared to my usual, it just doesn't seem like it.  Less so when I first wake.

The pains from yesterday do continue.  They are simply much milder, or my natural pain relief had kicked in, or finally reached, these pains.  Deep, I suggested.  Not too intense, even yesterday.  Even if I seem to live very well next to the graveyard, don't think there isn't a price.  It's difficult to imagine that I have two, but more like four, decades left of this.  And yet I am all but certain.  The longer I live the more certain it becomes.  Hey, but my blog will be an epic lament!  At 2045 they will be keeping the blog world alive, just for me.  No one will visit, just automated responses, meant to sell toothpaste or some new "legal" drug, or pictures of naked old women, or robots?  Still, they'll keep it alive just as a hobby for kids of the future.  If it doesn't all go down the tubes.  Then again, even so, the future may simply be more virtual than it is today!  We have all become the Sims.

Blathering?  You betcha.  Not even sure what I am on about.  Actually, it isn't all bad, at all.  A little low for a few months, but still doing better than I have for several decades.  I'm just grumpy that I am not going at a real pace, and that it hurts either ways.  But that I know, am tracking time, am dealing with the real world in several ways, and so on, means I am still doing better than I have in decades.  Well, that certainly IS a lament, more so for those of you who, even if you have it hard, actually are able to work.  You really don't know.  I would be working if I could be, or back to college, or... anything.  I can be a decent groundsman.  What I can't do, I could get done, if I had a women doing the same with most of the house and food.  But I can't hold a regular sort of job.  I loved going to school, but it took extra medication, stuff they know say should have killed me.  Bleh.

Blather.  Grumpy.  Sore.  But not completely unhappy.  I'll keep at it.  *wink*

To bed late, up early.

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No clue as to why.  Don't care.  I feel good enough, better than yesterday, and currently not on that bastard of an edge.  Have you ever driven on what may or may not be ice?  Yes?  That was yesterday.  Surrounded by cliffs, the only way off the road was down.  If I could have slept more I would have.  White knuckle living is what that was.  Not today, or yet.

Dreams.  Nothing fancy, not much came into the waking time.  Something about being a mag-tech...  being able to work on electrical and mechanical devices, and magic systems.  That wasn't well defined, that latter part.  I don't remember working on anything of a magical nature.  Mostly just engine, motors, and such.  A bunch of little problems needed to be solved.  Timing chain, a couple of black-box systems to figure out which part was off, things like that.  Ah, but there was a little bit of magic used in my work.  I had magic gloves that... well... didn't even look like I was wearing anything, they kept my hands from getting too hot or cold, and completely protected the digits from the pounding mechanics usually just live with and getting oily/greasy.  It was just the hands though, so if you removed an oil or other fluid drain plug at the wrong time you simply got to wear it.  No, not in this dream.  Done that in other dreams, usually transmission fluid, though at least once I dumped the radiator fluid on me.  Funny thing?  I have never even changed any of those things in real life.  :p  Actually, I don't exactly know how.

Today?  I don't know.  I am hoping to do a bit of cooking and cleaning.  I won't say much more than that.  It is cloudy and quite cool outside.  I hope it stays like this, mostly, in the coming week.  With the tools and toys I have, I would like to begin target shooting.  The only thing I really want is a rebar puller.  I am sure they carry it in town, but figuring out who does would be like pulling teeth.  Most people don't even know what such a thing is (fair enough), let alone which type is best for what task (also fair enough), and I myself am ignorant.  So... a hunting I may go.  A bit of research and online window shopping.  If I can figure out exactly what I want, I might be able to ask about local availability with a call.  The world is so beg and knowledge is dying on the vine.  It seems to me that we are beginning to living in the horror of tech melted minds on top of the reality of our nature coming back to bite right through what we thought were the defenses of modernity.  We are animals, or at least animals too.  Trying to hide or forget that is becoming our own Dr. Frankenstein, who goes on to "create" the Frankenstein monster.  Yeah, true.  My thing is I've spent decades figuring that out, realizing who did what, why, and when.  Realizing who my true monster was.  I'm happy being Frankenstein, the monster, if folk would leave it, and me if necessary, alone.  Being the Doctor is the horror.  *wink*

Gaming, though, first.  To wake up, to start out slowly, to not take unnecessary risks.  I won't hit what I avoided by quitting and going to bed.  That will be too hard up front.  Happily, the game allows me to go back and redo things I've missed, or little extras generated through gameplay, not open on the first playthrough.  While this game, at least to me, or in my condition, has increased in difficulty, this is what I need.  That struggle keeps me going, a bit.  If it doesn't hurt, if I don't have to push, it just isn't for me.  Healthy or ill, it's always been that way.  Many of my people don't understand.  I didn't understand.  I think it's true of most people, I just take it a bit further.  People end up getting stung for it, more than they thought.  And not from behind their back.  Odd, I think that is how most people work, so something up front and honest really gets to them, even when it isn't necessarily meant as such.

Oh, I have heard the notion of robot sex.  I had to laugh.  At least for me, I could no more imagine that than I could imagine mainlining cocaine or heroine.  While I cannot learn to be perfectly chaste, and am horrible at the effort, that isn't the point.  If I can't, or won't, have a woman, I will certainly not have a robot.  I suspect robot "sex" is just for those type of men who never could and never will really be able to get women.  Women are... really... easy.  That's not a bad thing, or good thing.  It's just the truth.  I think a lot of men fear them?  Or don't think...  I don't know.  Women love to serve and take a little bit from you for themselves in serving.  The few women who are actually feminist aren't on even these small men's radar (modern feminism is just a type of socialism which is run by men for themselves, using women who can't get men).  I have been avoiding a woman, myself, but for... actually the reasons have been satisfactorily resigned, so...  I mean, I do believe I will live long enough... from what I have seen...  So I could, now, go after a wife.  And from what I have seen, there may be a way.  At this point, I simply have to wait until...  I am not sure she is interested or capable.  Time will tell that.  Delusional?  Maybe.  As I have said about that, the difference between two men is not which ones can dream up the impossible, but which one can then make that real.  *grins*  As to robots, I think that will be for the male form of feminists, for those who can't and won't get one but for whatever reason aren't quite gay.  I don't even want to know, just from my vantage, that is what I suspect.  I just can't understand not wanting a woman, and barring that nothing.  Like dames, I do.  The whole crazy package, just as it is.

Oh, I did learn something I would rather not to have learned... in a way.  In a word?  Smegma.  As worldly as I have been, and though I knew there was something there, I never knew the word.  It is a word that worries me.  There are certain women, and thus I assume men, who are... decidedly nosesome.  I am not sure we can smell ourselves and yet I am quite sure others can smell us.  That smell, as they used to say... some are powerful with it.  Men are, pretty much, nose-blind.  I am gifted in that I can sense this with women (though not at all with men, thankfully).  Though I am not sure it is a great gift with the intention of being celibate.  It's like trying to quit drinking but being able to smell alcohol for seeming miles, through walls, and such.  Anyway...  Now I know and there is no un-knowing possible.  Bleh.

Later!

So good.

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I was able to moderate the harsh edges.  Making it through the day as easily as possible seems to have worked.  The game got a lot tighter.  Tighter means harder.  More, as the day wore on, I became sleepier.  Still, I made it through several tough "fights", and a lot of exploring.  I have a boss up next that I just can't do at this point in time.  Oh, and I did get a nap in.  No choice.  It helped, on some level.  Just the type of day it has been, that help doesn't seem to be all that good, just the way it goes.

Medicines, my first full dose of insulin tonight.  Food, bits here and there.  More kefir on the make.  It's going to be rough for a while.  Plus weather is changing with the season.  *sigh*  I'm not good at changes, less so right now.  I'll keep going, doing what I can.  Good night.

Better.

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Taking it easy sometimes helps, sometimes not.  Today it simply isn't a choice.  I had hoped to do a bit of work.  Maybe not, at least not yet.  Oh, a few very simple things.  Focus isn't there, if I think even a bit of work would end up going down badly.  I wouldn't call it a good day.  I will merely say that I am keeping a balance between okay and falling off a cliff.  There isn't good, there isn't medium, there isn't bad.  I have two gears possible today.  Alive and mostly not in too much pain and horror.  So far I have been able to keep it in the better of the two.  Which is why work probably won't go forward.  I am simply just holding on.

Gaming eats the time that will keep me in some reasonable balance.  The game is just about right.  It hasn't been made stupidly hard and yet is not too easy.  You have to figure things out but you can in a reasonable fashion, so far.  For a button masher platform, I consider this game reasonably fair, entertaining, and doable.  I would sometimes believe that the games are too easy, that when I am ill I shouldn't be able to play.  But then, today, I solved a sudoku in 9 seconds.  Sure, it isn't 5 seconds.  But that is faster than... most.  *grin*  I just... sometimes illness can interfere, but I don't believe it necessarily does.  Thrombosis, as I define, continues.  While gaming, though, it tends to stay hidden... out of my "sight" anyway.

Thirsty!  But there is something I had forgotten that I truly enjoy.  Tea!  I had some with dinner the other night.  Four or five glasses.  I am used to their tea, but home-brew of my favorite blends is better still.  And, yeah, I will ice it.  I may end up having several cups.  A dark, then a green.  These are among my favorite types.  Still, the restaurant offers pretty good tea too.  But I'm not there.  On to tea, and more gaming.  Then medicine and bed before too awful long.  Later.

Thrombosis.

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No, not a medical diagnosis.  I never did know what the word meant.  I created a meaning for it, a specific sort of pain.  It is very doubtful, just by the odds, that my meaning and the currently given meaning, are connected in any way.  For me, the word means an ache, as if in the middle of bones.  But can also be in the middle of dense muscle, as an ache the reverberates.  It is not an intense pain, just a constant and somewhat powerful one at it's crescendo.  Over time it really adds up.  I'm sort of used to it.  I've had this a lot over the years.  But that is the pain(s)-(if you consider each a separate pain) I am suffering from yesterday on into today.  It's milder.  Getting out made it worse.  If, with pain, making it worse can, at least for me, help burn it out.  I never know the causes.  And they aren't usually, or always, something that will keep me down.

The pain won't keep me down today.  It is illness that will do that.  I will be at my regular insulin dose tonight.  I have some food and may try quinoa again.  I said I would do that a day or two ago, it just didn't work out.  If I can make one minor batch of the stuff, and make it come out right, I will be quite satisfied.  If I can do a minor batch of dishes, I will be happier.  And if I can get a load or two of dishes through I will be ecstatic.  Not holding my breath.  Which, right now, would hurt more anyway.  I don't mind suffering, but I don't appreciate adding to it for no good reason, at least in the mind of a pessimist!  ;P

I just need a bit to wake up.  Coffee shortly.  Writing and reading.  I honestly think, some days, that death would be better, and a fairness.  But I know that suffering my, sometimes, just be my duty in life.  Seriously.  I know I deserve it, if I don't think that is even how God works.  To a degree, life, and work(s), is suffering at this point.  Winning, losing, loving, not liking, living, dying, all at the same time, and in an imperfect package in a fallen world.  Gotta hurt.  Still, I have agreed to life, and all that goes with it, so help me God.  It is, more so for some, harder to live than to die, in more ways than one for some of us.  Then again, I have always been a lousy better who comes out ahead in spite of myself.  In this more than in any other bet I have placed.

Later.

It just hurts.

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Bedtime nears.  I think I'll be able to sleep.  Even with the pain.  I won't bother taking anacin or tylenol.  I don't think it's a sort of pain those can help.  Too deep, organ, even inside some of my bones.  Why I hurt like that doesn't even make sense.  I pushed, but this is something else.  It just is, and would occur if I had gone out or not.  I am still extremely thirsty, while being unable to get rid of that fluid fast enough.  That, if I had to guess, is the biggest problem.

Insulin will be back up to normal levels tomorrow.  It will still take a week to get that straight.  I have the weekend.  I am not getting out tomorrow.  Perhaps things will find a way to make sense.  At least parts of my days are good.  Today, though, as slow as I was going I was still always moving so fast that I never really could gauge just how good or bad it was until this evening.  It must have been good enough earlier, for me to either decided to get out, or even just do it without considering, or reconsidering.

So tired, in spite of the pain.  Good night.

I did get out.

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Brutal.  No way I can go tomorrow.  I overheated.  I am just not correct with medicine yet.  I got pretty much what I wanted.  The only thing I couldn't find was a rebar puller.  I may look online.  I am sure it is in town, I just am not up to driving from store to store looking.  Actually, 15' targets were not to be found either.  Milk, 4' rebar poles, a medium sludge hammer, and some ties... oh and another box of .22's.

We went to dinner first.  I don't know.  The world is changing and I think I want to withdraw more and more from it.  It is collapsing in on itself.  Things that were the norm are changing.  Simple things.  I ordered an italian omelet, something I have eaten at that restaurant for five or six years now, and got a taco omelet.  Two very different things.  Is the economy crashing so that...  I don't know.  Then again we had a male waiter, and I didn't... appreciate that much.  Some are better than others.  Some are not.

More... I am not sure my friend is my friend anymore.  I'll be talking to him, but may just be backing away there too.  If he doesn't like me, and that is what I am seeing, then it's best just to not be friends.  I may be seeing him Monday.  Choices are getting slim.  I need to start cutting out excess and things that don't belong.  Lots of changes in the wind.  Make sure why you are in my circle, and make sure that is where you really want to be.  If not, best to part ways.

I have things to do, and many miles and years to go.  It's best that I cut any dead weight.  Funny though...  I am hated for what I think, yet hated for putting it out that I may be going.  So... which is it?  Yeah, see, that isn't my problem.  But I will fix it.  I owe no one, I have done my best to pay off my debts, and then some, as I have been going along.  If I have overpaid, you are free to go with it, but no more if you are not honestly in my circle.  I will be looking, and fixing.  I do have places to go.

Brutal day.  I am hoping I can cool off so as to sleep before too long.  Later.  Good night if I can sleep in the next few hours.

Hmm, a musical thought.  Not important these days, just a thought.

Glad I took medicine.

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Green about the gills yet this morning, but waking three, maybe four, times through the night to eliminate liquids means that this morning is better.  Too much fluid in there just wreaks havoc.  Sometimes I can miss, sometimes I can't.  Until everything is topped off and I am adjusted, I really have to be very careful.  Most so with this dire thirst.

My dreams were all messed up last night.  Chaos of notion and theme was the rule, if more just a confusion of notions than a darkness of them.  I would be in the kitchen, looking for a particular sized bowl and lid, for example.  But before I could find it I would end up in the shower, then hiking.  It was as if memories, or time, had become scrambled.  A movie slide show, where each flip of the card holder lead to a little movie of some other part of my life.  It didn't bug me too much, nothing embarrassing or rude.  It also wasn't pleasing or interesting.  Several dreams just like that.

Some wonder if I am supporting chaos, with or without a capital letter.  These, I must assume, do not understand.  Do I support the sun coming up every morning.  Whether clouds hide it mostly or not, or other events, it really does come up over the horizon on every single day.  (Though, technically, that isn't even true, our planet turns, actually, into view of the sun at various parts on the planet, still...)  Do I support that, or do I simply realize it and accept that?  A bit of both, just as with chaos.  It is.  And there is a reason for it.  What men do with that is a wholly other issue.  Chaos itself is a device, in my opinion, that God created in order to affect change.  Certainly, aspects of it have been corrupted.  And that has led to further corruptions... corruptions of that first corruption in order to create balance.  Much as the corruption of Christ's murder was corrupted back to being a good.  No... you... may not understand, agree, or believe.  But there you have it, from my side.  If I am what I suspect, I am a corruption, now, of a corruption, and for a purpose I, finally, approve.  Then again, it is pleasing to know even Christ had to struggle with His own way in this path.  He begged that the price be lifted, He bled in fear.  I just hope I may follow and do as I must, in my time.  All things through God.  Amen.

Ah, today?  I already took my medicine.  I'll post, then read and maybe comment, and check various pseudo news sources, then watch a vid or two and play a new game.  I ordered Castlevania, 1 & 2.  As I may have suggested, I didn't think the game would be all that good.  Heard bad things about it.  But, from what I have seen, the "great games", to my mind, mostly suck.  I'm not into multi-player, at all.  Most games seem to want to force you into that.  I doubt if it is as popular as it seems.  A corruption that even the #GamerGaters push on us.  They force it into the trophies, they make many games all but only multi-player.  And they suck.  Funny thing is, many of the #GG'ers ARE the very type they are fighting.  They just don't want to have others like them telling them HOW TO corrupt their games.  They do so, on their own, very well "thank you".  Bleh.  While I, generally, support them, it is nearing the type of support I had for the GOP near the end of my involvement with them.  Weak.  And for good reasons.  If they don't pull their own head out of their ass and stop corrupting and preaching themselves, they are next!  Just a warning.

Grumpy bastard lately.  Then again, being mostly dead and more as of late, dealing with liars, cheaters, and thieves at every turn, and trying to get going again, tends to leave a guy with very few vapors left for civility.  So watch your smarm, snark, teh stupid, and metro-charm.  I'll burn it all without so much as a flinch.  Yeah, maybe just a tad grumpy.

It's a good day.  Cloudy, but at the right time of year and as I am needing cool.  I'll figure some things out, possibly put on a batch of quinoa, toss in some laundry, do a few dishes, get a shower and light breakfast in, then get ready for town.  Hell no I don't feel like it!  Which... is exactly why I'll push for it.  And, tomorrow, I am hoping to get out shooting.  I ain't dead yet, just mostly.  *wink*  Later.

I had missed medicine.

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I just can't afford to do that.  So I took morning meds, then waited as long as I could stay awake before taking the evening dose.  It means I'll be up and down all night trying to get rid of fluids.  Better to lose sleep then overload on fluids.  I am still drinking a bit heavily.  No real choice.  Until medicines are balanced again, it will be troubling... everything.  I can't seem to drink enough.  It becomes almost an obsession.  Iced water and milk by the quart, coffee by the pot, crystal light by the pitcher.  THIRSTY!  It isn't a true dehydration though, because my usual cures for that don't work.  Actually beer tastes the best, but in my condition a few beers beat me up.  Just as if I ate too much pasta, or potato salad.  Carbs trash me harshly in the condition I am in.

I will try to get a shower in tomorrow, then get on to town.  I don't have to hurry, I'm not planning to be in until afternoon.  I would like to get a shower and shave kicked out early.  Maybe a load of laundry or two.  Perhaps some messing... scratch that... cleaning in the kitchen.  Not a lot, just a bit here and there.  I just need to remember to take the water pill pretty much as soon as I wake.  My roughness today has been from water loading.

I still think it is beyond a typical use of the word miracle that I still kick.  More so since I am almost sure I will be here for at least another forty years.  Doesn't seem possible, just trust me.  Oh, I'll suffer.  And I keep learning how to mitigate that, or live with it.  It isn't my faith that will keep me going, either.  Actually, my long life, even to this point, is counter to my natural druthers, and contrary to the type of creature I am.  I just, by finding my own doctor, took a step toward independence.  I didn't let them force a doctor of their choice, and I won't let them have involvement anymore.  I have fired my medical staff, from a position of relative powerlessness.  And I am not done.  Remember this, when Zerocare is all you have.  You had best be able and willing to fight for your life.  Because these people are set up to kill you.  And they will if you let them.  I really fear for old folk and very shortly.

I hope to hear something tomorrow, about meds.  Perhaps even getting this new doctor paid, and labs.  I won't allow for any strings, however.  No information sharing, other than scripts sent.  No sharing of lab results.  Nothing.  I'm not going to have big brother leaning over my, or my doctor's, shoulders.  Further, if my doc doesn't get properly reimbursed, I will make sure to keep him on a cash basis.  I'll be seeing him soon and will discuss this with him.  I did get a strange call shortly after my last visit.  Something about a health program.  If it would take me, with my conditions, it would have to be Zerocare.  I will skip that.  I just left the first trial version of that for it's absolute failure.  Cash is best.

Yea, took my shot and last of my medicine.  Just trying to give it all time to work, and maybe void one more time.  Doesn't seem likely, so... good night.

Bits and pieces.

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I called my friend.  He is busy tomorrow, trying to learn how to walk on his prosthetic.  He says he can walk nearly a football field.  I am pleased, for him.  I don't know how to reward him, but when he is walking regularly I will find a way.  Maybe something fancy, or maybe just a dinner somewhere.  I know it is hard on him.  Still, I am hoping to get in to town tomorrow.  Nothing fancy.  A meal out, rebar, a setter for that (pounder of some sort) and puller, some zip ties, and more targets.  If all goes well, a trip to the range Friday or Monday.

I now have three targets.  One for my friend, if he wants, two for me.  If I go out solo sometimes, I may put one at 100, then 200 and 300 yards.  I would also like to do various ranges with my pistol.  Which range I go to will depend on which firearms I am practicing.  I really have to do more serious target practice, from time to time.  Cans are good, fun makes learning more natural.  That just can't be all.  In a month or two, after looking at various metal targets/gongs, I may order several sizes of those and several holders, for even greater distance target practice.  I really need a range spotting scope.  But which one?  I just wish I knew guys who had used various types.  You can spend $60 to $1,200, and more.  I have great doubts that is necessary, $1,200.  And yet I am quite sure most $200~$300 scopes aren't worth your time.  But one might be.  Just... which one.

I did start some dishes.  I may hits some laundry.  I started a new game, one I didn't think would be all that good.  While it is dated, and more a button masher than real talent game, it is actually much better than what I had heard.  My problem, so far, is that the in-game instructions sort of suck, or don't show up well or in a timely way.  I didn't read the actual instruction book, if those are usually empty anymore.  I finally got frustrated enough to see what the problem was.  I think I have it.  Having it, understanding it that is, and doing it, are two different things.

It's almost bedtime though.  I'm feeling water logged and a bit rough, but just on the better edge of it.  I wonder if I forgot medicine today?  If so, I'll take the "morning dose", stay up for several more hours gaming, then take the late dose.  I just can't miss medicine and get better, even if there is a little price to pay.

Ah, and the V.A. called.  The fellow with whom I spoke listened and... asked me what I was talking about.  He, too, thought the V.A. had to offer medicine in my situation.  He, too, is 100% service connected.  I don't need to be in a program, I don't need special authorization, I don't need anything.  He asked if I have been getting my medicine through the V.A.  Yep, for... for decades.  Yeah, he had no idea why they weren't working with me.  I didn't say much, just that they have been jacking me for a while now.  He has heard that they do that to some vets, and not to others, sometimes with some supposed cause, sometimes without.  Yeah, he knows.  He said he would get back to me tomorrow.  I hope so.  Just insulin, that's $1,200 at least.

Well, I'm hoping to get out tomorrow.  Just to clown around, do some shopping, get more milk, and have a "free" meal.  No dishes, no cooking, that's free.  Later, or good night.

One whole day and a wake.

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Alive, again, and well enough.  Some minor extra heat this morning, though even that is not a discomfort, just an irregularity.  Two more days,  I believe, and I will be back to level with insulin.  I went the fast way.  While there was a price, there was also a benefit.  A few days ago all of my organs seem to have kicked back in.
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A dream, last night.  Memories of many lives and talks with others.  I have raised the notion of each of us having two wolves inside.  One black, one white.  When asked which will win... our heart, our will, our ways... the answer is whichever we feed.

In the simple, that seems enough.  But it is not.  Between choosing which wolf to feed, we should know that we cannot just feed the one wolf.  Or... what is evil in one situation may well be good in another.  Our lusts must be controlled, but only to be fed within certain boundaries.  Denying our hunger will lead to a ravenous hunger that may well escape us.  The same goes for food, even our hunger for righteousness.  We must feed each, in it's time and way.  Further, even with our best intentions, and within the confines, our lusts will get the better of us.

Do not blind yourself to your darker intentions and spirits.  Know them.  Neither hate nor disrespect them.  They will see you to children, they will see you to a life and family.  They will see you to life when dark things have to happen for that to occur.  Just don't, then, ignore the good.  If you have gone to far in these pursuits, then find your way back to Wisdom, through Wisdom.  Odd how forgiving God really is.  It's just that no sin can be forgiven if it isn't accepted as such.

Such a dream.  Hurt my feelings.  Went into details I won't.  Things forgotten.  And, yet, I was happy to have reverted a time in my life when darkness was all I knew to a time in the light in which I walk.  I understand why what was done was done, I know it to have been right.  I just could have done without the hubris, if too perhaps without it I could not have done the right things.  An enigma, in some ways.  Without the hubris of need, want, children would not be born.  It is the same with even the vengeance of God.

Oh, and, well... this makes me understand some of what I am seeing in the world.  I just pray that those who must now do the darker deeds will live to look back upon these things and... understand more fully.  Such dreams are wonderful and horrible at the same time.  Like confession, to me.  A dreadful grace.
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Raining hard, off and on.  Thunder and lightning.  Wonderful.  Too dark to see it, which is a shame.  I love these sorts of storms!  Just woke up, typing without the "lights on", sort of.  I hope any of that makes sense.  Oh, I know what is required!  Coffee!  Later.

Good things.

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It is a good thing I didn't go on to town today, or take a nap.  I have received a bunch of calls today.  The easiest one has been the gym membership I canceled long ago.  They were still trying to charge me.  I am glad, when they asked if I wanted a copy, that I took one.  When she called, I told her I had quit, signing out there, long ago.  And that I got a copy.  I have no doubt, that if I hadn't gotten a copy, I would still be required to pay and to have to go in and sign out again.  She canceled all my "back dues".  She said "they" hadn't sent her the information and yet she found it in almost no time.  Or was it in the file she was looking at.  As I suggested, if I hadn't told her I knew I had a copy, she would be forcing the issue.  Done and done.  Actually, the only reason they aren't still charging me is that my debit card was changed due to someone else criminally getting their hands on the old numbers.  One criminal or another it seems.

Then a woman at my new doctors office called about the V.A. and medicine.  I just suggested they would lie to me more than they lie to her.  They tried to tell her no such thing was possible, then something else, and finally that, it turns out, I need to speak to someone at the V.A. about a particular program.  I called, was switched to one of them, but his voicemail was full and he wasn't answering.  So I called back, seeing that as totally unsat, and they hooked me up with a different program manager.  Her line wasn't receiving but her voice message was functional.  I left a message.  I told the woman at my doctor's office that I would let her know, but only when I found something out.  I let her know it might take a few hours or a few days.  Now I get to just wait for a call.

It seems I have to get a referral, but since I have a doctor I will ask them to use him as the referral.  I know they don't want to work that way.  They have political, social, and whatever other attachments to some doctors.  I expect problems.  Which is a bit of a problem.  Lantus alone is a small fortune.  If I have to, though, I have to.  I won't go to the V.A.  Just what is going on, on top of what happened that caused all this, is why no vet should even consider going.  Figure out another way.  If I do have to pay for meds, the trip next month, reduced as it was already going to be, may be totally off.  Bleh.

I can't remember, but I thought there was another call in there.  Yeah, good thing I didn't head to town or nap.  And I am feeling better still.  Only a minor internal pain... upper left torso, just below ribcage.  No idea what that is.  Not an uncommon pain when messing with insulin though.  Later.

Already at it.

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Not bad.  I set the grill to really hot, started the brots, banked that a bit, then got quinoa going.  Everything is done.  However, I am not really pleased with the quinoa.  It, as with last time, is just as mushy as when I soaked it.  Okay, the problem?  Both the golden stuff I usually buy, and this gray locally grown seed, are turning into gruel.  I'm not sure what is wrong, but this is not what I am used to with quinoa to this point.  I simply do not understand what the problem is.  Why the old seeds seemed to open up, become crunchy, and have a clean taste... while the last two batches, of two different kinds, are ending up more like sticky rice, without any crunch or solidity pretty much at all.  Fussy?  Well... I just like that if I am told something is a rock, and buy it as such, that I get a rock, not a liquid or animal or bug.  So... yes.  Fussy.  I'm cooking it exactly the same.  If I had to guess, I would say one of two things.  Either the seeds are smaller, thus don't "bloom" as well as what I had before, or something is keeping them from blooming and instead they are releasing a bunch of starch.  It's not bad, it just isn't what I am used to for the last few years.

I have already eaten a few of the brots.  Good.  Food still isn't all that great tasting, but it will do.  Generally, though, I am doing really good since I woke.  I purchased grapes and am eating those, with honey crisp apples up next.  Along with the brots, gooey quinoa, corn chips salsa and guacamole (storebought but it's what I can do), I should have food for a bit.  If I make it back to town, and stop for milk, I might grab a batch of eggs while I am at it.  I'll cook more of those the next time I get busy in the kitchen.

Life is definitely improving.  There are little and big clues.  I won't go in to detail.  It's just good, from my side, to see everything working again.  Sometimes this part of the recovery can be a bit unpleasant.  This time it's good.  Why this or that, now or then or before or soon, though, doesn't really make perfect sense.  I actually don't look for one single, at least minor, thing.  I look for bigger things and clusters.  I'm getting a bit of both.  Some of those things definitely ease life and are good signs.

I may just take a nap, then get a shower and shave in, then decide about getting to town.  I've been up since about 4:30, I think.  That is about six and an half hours of sleep.  Shy.  So a nap is a good thing.  Yeah, a nap.  Later.

Good?

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I am almost afraid to say.  Yes, though.  Since cooling down for bed last night, on through a good sleep if a bit short, and then on through waking.  No pain, no fog, no troubles of any sort.  My organs all seem to be working correctly again, no backup or turning to stone or needles-and-pins from waking.  Muscle and joints are really good in that they work and I can't feel them.  It is a good morning.  I would like to say I don't worry, but I do.  Condition can change in a minute, and go from this to about as bad as I can stay conscious and maintain.  Any worse and I need to sleep or nap through it.

Like I said, I went ahead and did things, even though I was rough yesterday.  Because I could, in spite of the bad.  I wish even that was true more often.  If I can't I don't.  If I can I do.  Condition doesn't really play a part in it.  As I said though, those moments of feeling normal sure help.  This morning is a boon.

I am hoping to get a bath/shower in, and maybe shave.  Then do some housecleaning.  A bit would be good enough.  If all that works out, I may try to make it back in to town.  I really want more milk and a few other things.

I dreamed, last night, that I was caught... being a guy.  Talking the talk, being a bit rude, and such.  Hey, it's going to happen.  I won't put up, too much, with sass about it.  If I go overboard, willfully, fair enough to call me on it.  If it happens, it happens.  Best to forgive than lament, if you must do anything.  I won't negotiate minor character flaws, only note that I have them.  I will not allow myself to be pulled by the nose for human nature.  In the dream I decided, for sure, to go to Alaska.  I just wanted to give the medicine another year or two, as I begin reducing and organizing my belongings, figuring out how to move, and selling my home.  The dream was so real.  Nothing in it told me it was a dream.  It's just that, pretty much I always know these days.

There is a very strong potential for that one.  If I go that way, once I get there, and find a means and a place, I will begin cutting off my medication.  I will either live, or not, but without medical "help".  I don't trust the stuff, to start.  And I am almost sure it is more made to be addictive then helpful.  The only way I can do it is to have my ducks in a row, and be able to live even when I can't hunt or fish, for a year or two.  Rough, but doable.  Medicine might help.  It also might just sustain the disease and be an addiction.  If I go that way I will find out.  Previous gens believe in doctors.  I think that is ending.  I certainly have, at the very least extremely serious doubts about modern medicine.  Chiropractors, just there first so with the best publicists, political insiders, and such.  They have their use, but no where near what is advertised and with a serious dark side.

Later.

Haunted.

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From several days ago, but it returns.  I had forgotten this... until I remembered it. - the management

Visions and thoughts.  Fears and hopes.  It is what it is.  I know, as I prepare to sleep, that my mind remembers a certain sense or feel or want.

Quite a push, but I did it.

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Just getting out of the house was the real prize.  Though some groceries were nice.  That wasn't a complete win, they only had one gallon of my brand of milk.  Yeah, it's important.  Generic milk spooks me a bit.  I don't even fully trust my brand not to add stuff, just because they can.  The FDA allows a certain amount of extra.  I have no doubts that all producers use that as much as they can.  The difference is in what is added.  That is what happens when government bureaucracies meet industrial farming.  Unless you buy raw, or milk yourself, one very expensive the other an extreme way to get raw fresh milk.  All said and done, I split what differences I can, shoot for the best I can afford, and pray, just like every other darned fool.  No offense.  Actually, that is a compliment.

Anyway.  I was busted up.  Just because I went in didn't mean I got better.  It was a brutal outing.  Not too rough, painwise.  Simply still a bit loopy.  I seem to have driven normally, assuming they added a BUNCH of speed bumps in town.  :p  Nah.  It was good to get out, to drive, to do a bit of shopping, to have a shower under my belt.  Never did shave, but I did use the trimmer.  I just couldn't do that one step extra in that area.  Maybe tonight or tomorrow... tomorrow, if that, for sure.  I probably cooked a week of juice off in that run.  All good.  I even hope it hurts.  That kind of pain is good for me.  Loosens me up.

The rest of the day?  Dunno.  Resting, gaming, blogging, and eventually sleep.  I did buy some things that will make easy quick meals, and somethings to cook, grill anyway.  If I get another batch of quinoa, this time not soaked, I'll have enough for the week, and twice on meal days.  Probably.  I'll keep at it.  I am hoping to make another trip to town tomorrow.  I need more milk than that.  My brand is often out, the other brands never seem to sell out.  It doesn't make sense.  Government involvement, no doubt.  Like or not, either you believe in redistribution or you do not.  You either take the dime stolen from someone else and close your eyes about it all, or you refuse to play along.  Too many who claim to be conservative have their hands in someone elses' pockets.  Make up your mind.  And, no, don't try to claim worldliness, or suggest you are above or beyond it.  Or that it is just business.  Make up your mind.

Later.  Or maybe good night.

A bit better.

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The rollercoaster ride of health lately has been horrible.  At least I have hours, even days, where I am not in pain.  I even feel good, really good, from time to time.  That helps a lot.  Much like with summer heat.  With a cool spot in there from time to time it just isn't quite so bad.  I did the dishes.  I will take a bath, then a shower now.  Perhaps shave.  If I do all that in a timely fashion, I just might make it to town.  Milk, cream, butter.  There is more on my list, I'm simply not sure I will be able to focus, and actually put those things on my list, then buy them.  If I get to town.

Truly brutal, at times.  It's right in the middle at the moment.  Actually, if you have ever had a fever, and been a bit dazed by it?  Yeah... that describes my situation now.  The dazed sensation helps keep the pain down.  But it really isn't too terrible.  You just hope you won't throw up, or go down hill.  Just as with that fever daze, though more toward the end of a sickness, I am sure I can do whatever I start.  Or, at worst, I may have to head home a little early, should I head out.  Just one store, probably.  But if I can hit several, I just might.  If I can get out.  But I repeat myself.

Hey, yeah... time to clean up.  Later.

Back and forth.

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It is a tough day today.  I can't tell you why.  I can only tell you that it is as rough as it has been in a couple weeks.  I slept well enough, woke well, then went downhill so fast I didn't see it coming.  It isn't so much off as just plain ill with an odd side of really tired.  I'm hungry.  I've been eating almonds.  I tried something else, I think.  Food tastes bad.  Fluids taste bad.  Both cause mild nausea.  For whatever reason, juice tastes like fish.  Huh?  I dunno.  Trust me, that just isn't right.  There are some mild body aches.  Just something to go with the rest, nothing fancy or too extreme there.

It's a very strange life.  Medicine is on track.  Food is off.  Sleep is good.  It must just be the dosing.  I had enough chicken to last for a week, that just ran out.  I didn't even like that.  Fast food won't taste good.  It's difficult to eat.  Even when I have been eating, it hasn't been helping.  Very rough.  I might try to push a bit through.  No guarantees though.  Rough.  Getting brutal.  Might try a nap, then a bath and all later.  I can't believe how well I can do then how fast that can change.  Later.

Crashed hard and early.

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No chance yesterday.  No problem, has to happen.  Until I am firmly back on my feet almost anything could happen.  Pain, sleep irregularities, other illnesses, dreams, no dreams.  Illness, for me, is very comprehensive.  And any piece of the puzzle that is out of place, as severe as things are, means all of the pieces are out of place, or could me.  I am an odd puzzle, or enigma.  I was able to stay up until 17:00 to 18:00 the last few days, just not yesterday.  I had been pushing to stretch my day into later afternoon.  I ran out of push.  I did call and cancel dinner.

Dead.  Sometimes the want or feel of it is there.  Everyone gets to this point when they push beyond themselves.  Physically, biologically through lack of needs, mentally through trying to figure out some complex problem, emotionally in a thousand ways.  It should be obvious, even as restrained as I am, that I push every one of those.  More so, and more obviously, when I am well.  Take away, or halve, some of the medications I take and that can be a strain as if all of those areas where pushed.  Still, I have to laugh.  If it weren't for my fragility, no woman would have a chance at being my wife.  True.  I am more certain, one of the things I wanted to discover mind you, that I will indeed live for a very long time.  At a pace a woman can manage.  She might have to tend me, but then, how many wives don't tend their man?  Sure, pride sometimes covers the deed from a man's eyes.  For one who sees, though, I know.

The goal is still to finish those bits of work, shower then bath, shave, and get to town.  I don't know if I will.  I just know that is still the plan.  Failed yesterday, and all this week really.  But I did get some things done, and kept the goal on the list.  Weaksauce, but it's what I have.  By the end of the week I should be fully up to date on dosages.  It still might take a few days/weeks to get used to that sized 'fish bowl', mind you.  Later.

Possibly?

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Who ever quite knows anything?  Some wonder why Christ hasn't returned, for example.  And yet, to my eyes, there is hope in that.  Christ will return when men have completely given, fallen, and surrendered to evil.  That Christ hasn't returned, while it means we suffer, also means that the need has not arisen.  Just a little thought on such a fine Sunday.  Go to church today, and be thankful this and the next days.

Ah, but my possibilities are of another sort.  I reset the dishes.  I am almost certain I will tend to dish towels today, and finish the dishes, even get a bath and shave in perhaps?  And, if those things go smoothly enough, I may well get to town.  I'd love to get to church, but my ability to hit a specific time is beyond weak.  And my ability to sit for an hour, in with folk, and do all the efforts necessary to properly abide a Mass is... beyond me.  I will, pray, and hopefully read the passages for this week, day really.  But no more, other than maybe getting to town, buying milk, cream, butter, and fresh veggies... oh and perhaps some eggs.

I have no idea when.  I can't be sure even if what I suggest, any of it, will happen.  Possibilities, no matter how strong, are just that.  If I do make it, and early enough, I might stop for a meal somewhere. 

Something else?  While the trip to one of my brothers might be off, I may still make a trip out west a bit.  There are people I may try to visit.  Yes, you know who you are.  One is nearly certain, one is a maybe, and one would be a surprise.  No one like surprises until they are.  Just to get out, and go.  Just to see some folk, deliver some gifts like a modern Woden, and be on the road again.  It has been so long.  Possibilities, some function of probabilities, opportunities, the costs of those things, and the value, though with an eye on capacity.  I cannot say, I can only... propose.  Gah!  Dealing with life is like dealing with a woman! A trick or a trap, can't live with or without.  Yeah.  Good thing I don't mind, mostly.  *grins*

Later.

Days, nights, health.

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While I have been staying up later, making it beyond 18:00 this last evening, my waking time has been stubbornly sticking to right between midnight and 1:00.  Tonight, I refused to wake and, if in a stumbling manner, I made it to 2:30(ish).  It's like walking while almost being too tired to stand.  One leg works well enough, but the other leg from exhaustion and whatever, has to be dragged, sometimes as a clubbed foot, sometimes as if the whole leg were artificial, and with no knee.  I am still not back to health.  On my way.  Tending sleep, and wake cycles, to a degree, plus getting back to days, will help.  Even if I mostly stay in shadow while I am awake in the day, some of that vitamin D seeps in.

Back on medicines solidly.  I hadn't meant to skip medicine.  The thing is, when something is as off as glucose levels were, things slip.  Hey, I'm high maintenance!  Not quite ready for the smelter yet, by a long shot, just going to take some time and care.

No, I didn't get to work yesterday.  The high, or what I saw, was around 81 (on e-thermo, which can be far off).  With as dry as it is here, that is a very good temp.  It's more like 70's in humid regions.  If you stay out of the heat, it is very good.  Even wearing something to keep the sun off and a brimmed hat makes that quite easy to negotiate.  I am going to struggle to work, or get out hiking... or something...  It's going to be a push to get the body moving and working again, so I'll do whatever I can, even if it doesn't fit my exact wants or felts needs at the moment.  Out!  I've been stuck in here too long lately.  I have been just as trapped, or maybe more, than my friend.  I don't know if he understands.

If I can do a few things here in the cave, I might be able to slip out to a store for some minor shopping today.  No promises.  I have been tagging that to my to-do list for a week.  I would, by my notions, be required to finish the dishes, and fold and put up the dish towels, so as to take a bath and shave in good conscience.  I've been not doing these little things, unable seemingly.  I need to push.  Getting to town would be a dessert for any efforts.  Yeah, leaving the cave can be that good, if you have ever been home-bound before you would know.  Remember winter cabin fever?  Yeah...

Later.