.
.
A nap is required without any physical reason. It is dark out there, and just at freezing. I did finish two pieces of pork on the grill, and an already baked potato. I wasn't sure if any of it would work. Perfect. Letting it burn for 15, closing the lid for five, then placing the food right down just above the coals, giving it five minutes each side, and all finished as well as could be hoped. While the clotted cream is creamy, it is much mider than regular butter. Better for fresh breads and pastry, if I were to suggest... which I just did. The nap is tugging at cohesive thought.
A shower, work either in the sitting room or extricating the loveseat, then making chili? Something along those lines, if possible. After a nap. And more reading. I'll describe some of the material I finally getting through. I'll never catch up on my reading. There are more of even the true and good books and so little time, capacity to read, and else. I'll keep at it. Later.
Monday, November 20, 2017
So cold?
.
.
While at times true, in some cases it doesn't make sense. While I have, memories, small hopes, and dreams, all know the latter are just that, some strange properties or storytelling ability, none of that... affects any who do not enter. Step into a man's mind, any man, at your own risk. Even so, it is not cold. It isn't the intention. The fire drains so excruciatingly slowly, nothing more. Some doors are shut, that has to be made clear as well.
The goal is to be as publicly quiet, physically unobtrusive, out of peoples hair, as possible until my time is spent. I didn't mention, but I stopped hiking because I frightened people on the path. Salutations, avoidance, giving the greatest berth possible, it just didn't matter. Just passing time, mostly alone. Do you think I couldn't chase? Do you honestly think I am that weak, stupid, incapable? I have seen no reciprocal interest so I returned the favor. It is how it is done, anything else is stalking.
I just don't get it. It reminds me of the one who was too young, and a year older than me. I did the right thing, ending it before making her pregnant while we were still in school, and being despised for it. I still don't get that, then or now. If you can't deal with slow death, fevered notions, some good and horrible memories, and the rest here, go away and never come back. I have enough suffering and loneliness as is. Keep your problems to yourself. Any resemblances to real life may in fact be such, sometimes mixed with echoes of various shades, hues, of memories, not all, not many, pleasant. And the future is guaranteed to go dark, usually becoming damn near intolerable, as are many of my days.
Leave. Go. This isn't a comfortable place. Then again what life, what skin, is. Not here, not yet. Stay away if you can't take bumps. If I see opportunity I might take it. If I can do I might. If the way is well barred and I am unwelcome I will not draw near. That isn't cold. Perhaps some know or don't in opposition to my take? My take seems correct far more often. I DO see. Never mind the more, just trouble me no more.
.
While at times true, in some cases it doesn't make sense. While I have, memories, small hopes, and dreams, all know the latter are just that, some strange properties or storytelling ability, none of that... affects any who do not enter. Step into a man's mind, any man, at your own risk. Even so, it is not cold. It isn't the intention. The fire drains so excruciatingly slowly, nothing more. Some doors are shut, that has to be made clear as well.
The goal is to be as publicly quiet, physically unobtrusive, out of peoples hair, as possible until my time is spent. I didn't mention, but I stopped hiking because I frightened people on the path. Salutations, avoidance, giving the greatest berth possible, it just didn't matter. Just passing time, mostly alone. Do you think I couldn't chase? Do you honestly think I am that weak, stupid, incapable? I have seen no reciprocal interest so I returned the favor. It is how it is done, anything else is stalking.
I just don't get it. It reminds me of the one who was too young, and a year older than me. I did the right thing, ending it before making her pregnant while we were still in school, and being despised for it. I still don't get that, then or now. If you can't deal with slow death, fevered notions, some good and horrible memories, and the rest here, go away and never come back. I have enough suffering and loneliness as is. Keep your problems to yourself. Any resemblances to real life may in fact be such, sometimes mixed with echoes of various shades, hues, of memories, not all, not many, pleasant. And the future is guaranteed to go dark, usually becoming damn near intolerable, as are many of my days.
Leave. Go. This isn't a comfortable place. Then again what life, what skin, is. Not here, not yet. Stay away if you can't take bumps. If I see opportunity I might take it. If I can do I might. If the way is well barred and I am unwelcome I will not draw near. That isn't cold. Perhaps some know or don't in opposition to my take? My take seems correct far more often. I DO see. Never mind the more, just trouble me no more.
Sunday, November 19, 2017
Music with which to sleep?
.
.
Maybe. I'll take them. They... were already in the queue, if... you were curious.
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Maybe. I'll take them. They... were already in the queue, if... you were curious.
Several notes about clotted cream.
.
.
As to chilling for twenty four hours? Perhaps that might make it better, if I am not quite sure how. I needed something butterlike today. Potatoes simply don't work well with else. After a test I believed the matter settled, almost. Better cream used to be used to for unsalted butter. Or so it was said. I suspect, while there may be truth in that, as much as animals, including the human animal, like salt, when people found salted butter they never went back, for raw uses. The secular pilgrims and other totalitarians need not apply.
Unsalted butter became a cooking ingredient. As with butter so clotted cream, it needed and received salt. I went a bit on the shy side, just almost enough, so adding salt to the baked potatoes wasn't excessive. I am simply to normalized on salted butter. The thing with salting? It requires mixing, which means I couldn't keep it in it's rustic state. Even so, the solids mixed to more a whipped butter than standard butter. Adding honey, or a homemade preserve would really add an extra touch. It' easy enough for an ogre well past his time. Not every time, sometime I will just want the heavy cream. But now I know. The butter cream from the process might be good for baking, but I have to believe the cultures are gone, so it won't work to make creme fraiche. I'll research, if possible. I thought about adding salt to the cream, working up an amount standard. I just wonder if that would mess up the buttermilk? I'll... think, research.
.
As to chilling for twenty four hours? Perhaps that might make it better, if I am not quite sure how. I needed something butterlike today. Potatoes simply don't work well with else. After a test I believed the matter settled, almost. Better cream used to be used to for unsalted butter. Or so it was said. I suspect, while there may be truth in that, as much as animals, including the human animal, like salt, when people found salted butter they never went back, for raw uses. The secular pilgrims and other totalitarians need not apply.
Unsalted butter became a cooking ingredient. As with butter so clotted cream, it needed and received salt. I went a bit on the shy side, just almost enough, so adding salt to the baked potatoes wasn't excessive. I am simply to normalized on salted butter. The thing with salting? It requires mixing, which means I couldn't keep it in it's rustic state. Even so, the solids mixed to more a whipped butter than standard butter. Adding honey, or a homemade preserve would really add an extra touch. It' easy enough for an ogre well past his time. Not every time, sometime I will just want the heavy cream. But now I know. The butter cream from the process might be good for baking, but I have to believe the cultures are gone, so it won't work to make creme fraiche. I'll research, if possible. I thought about adding salt to the cream, working up an amount standard. I just wonder if that would mess up the buttermilk? I'll... think, research.
Morning notes.
.
.
Bedtime was correct. Even getting the clotted cream going and fussing with my version of creme fraiche, which took two days out, if finding warmth, even with the heat up, is a trick. Fresh bedding, a made bed, a clean body, and work (whatever you really can do, then some) is the recipe for good sleep. I still use the fan at night, with no direct heat in that room, turning the fan off if I wake a bit too cool inthe early morning.
Everything worked. The bed has been made. The clotted cream turned out as expected, as far as appearances can tell. It has already been cooled, wrapped, and refrigerated. The threequarter quart terrine I bought a few years back was perfect, though I realy should try a pate before long. I'll check the pseudo creme fraiche in a bit, it just isn't thickening as it has/should. It'll still work for some things but not all. I suppose I could blend it with standard sour cream, but that... sort of ruins the notion. I'll... contemplate on the tree of woe. I am using active kefir instead of active buttermilk, but that should make it thicker!?! Tree. of. woe.
.
Bedtime was correct. Even getting the clotted cream going and fussing with my version of creme fraiche, which took two days out, if finding warmth, even with the heat up, is a trick. Fresh bedding, a made bed, a clean body, and work (whatever you really can do, then some) is the recipe for good sleep. I still use the fan at night, with no direct heat in that room, turning the fan off if I wake a bit too cool inthe early morning.
Everything worked. The bed has been made. The clotted cream turned out as expected, as far as appearances can tell. It has already been cooled, wrapped, and refrigerated. The threequarter quart terrine I bought a few years back was perfect, though I realy should try a pate before long. I'll check the pseudo creme fraiche in a bit, it just isn't thickening as it has/should. It'll still work for some things but not all. I suppose I could blend it with standard sour cream, but that... sort of ruins the notion. I'll... contemplate on the tree of woe. I am using active kefir instead of active buttermilk, but that should make it thicker!?! Tree. of. woe.
Saturday, November 18, 2017
About half.
.
.
Less, actually. A shower, no shave. A good bit of cleaning in the visitor room, well a bit of tidying, a bit more sweeping, then mopping and rinse mopping. All for naught. I suspect I chased a bird off. Not in anger, not to be mean either. Just for peace of mind. Peace for my mind. Or not. As suspicious as one can be, even if gifted/cursed with sight, certainty is not usually a grant, especially when dealing with dames. I also changed the sheets, made the bed which is becoming nearly a daily, then took that and all other clothes back to be washed.
I am done for the day, save for making clotted cream perhap. I have no butter and won't be up to being out for a bit. Perhaps this will do. If it isn't as hoped, next time I will use the whole cream to make butter. I just want to try this. Something to try by doing at least once before death, or the next death, certainly before the last one. I'll need to see about a container, pyrex, that will give the desired depth, first making sure the oven will go low enough. I do have pint jars to store the liquids, might even attempt scones with it. I won't do jam, but I purchase low-sugar jams for rare treats.
.
Less, actually. A shower, no shave. A good bit of cleaning in the visitor room, well a bit of tidying, a bit more sweeping, then mopping and rinse mopping. All for naught. I suspect I chased a bird off. Not in anger, not to be mean either. Just for peace of mind. Peace for my mind. Or not. As suspicious as one can be, even if gifted/cursed with sight, certainty is not usually a grant, especially when dealing with dames. I also changed the sheets, made the bed which is becoming nearly a daily, then took that and all other clothes back to be washed.
I am done for the day, save for making clotted cream perhap. I have no butter and won't be up to being out for a bit. Perhaps this will do. If it isn't as hoped, next time I will use the whole cream to make butter. I just want to try this. Something to try by doing at least once before death, or the next death, certainly before the last one. I'll need to see about a container, pyrex, that will give the desired depth, first making sure the oven will go low enough. I do have pint jars to store the liquids, might even attempt scones with it. I won't do jam, but I purchase low-sugar jams for rare treats.
A busy day.
.
.
That is the hope. A shower, shave, bedding change, as starters. Laundry a bit later. As well, doing more in the sitting room, what was the computer room. It would be nice to finish it. Or mostly. If I get it cleared and clean, getting the leather love seat cleared, treated, and out there is part of the plan, but not quite possible today. Food needs to be cooked, a pint of creme fraiche (a tastier sour cream) was started last evening. I may make clotted cream (a fancy butter) over this next night. Meats need roasted to mostly done, parted into portions, then wrapped until grilling or slicing for cold cuts.
.
That is the hope. A shower, shave, bedding change, as starters. Laundry a bit later. As well, doing more in the sitting room, what was the computer room. It would be nice to finish it. Or mostly. If I get it cleared and clean, getting the leather love seat cleared, treated, and out there is part of the plan, but not quite possible today. Food needs to be cooked, a pint of creme fraiche (a tastier sour cream) was started last evening. I may make clotted cream (a fancy butter) over this next night. Meats need roasted to mostly done, parted into portions, then wrapped until grilling or slicing for cold cuts.
Friday, November 17, 2017
I don't know.
.
.
Strange thoughts, a song to match and music to go with other recent notions. What does it all mean? Not even my concern at the moment. A nap is required first.
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Strange thoughts, a song to match and music to go with other recent notions. What does it all mean? Not even my concern at the moment. A nap is required first.
Almost regular.
.
.
For several days , maybe a week or more?, waking at 5:00, give or take. One day, for efforts, was off, but only by two. I have two things that must be done, and a few things I would like to do. Having a regular day helps, but isn't necessary after I learned a few tricks. Day is only necessary for some business, yet is preferred. Morning rambling, using writing to wake. So dark lately, not helping.
Oh, when I deposited several checks from various returns I finally ordered a blade, tire chains, and a rear counter-weight kit for the cub cadet. I am lucky snow hasn't hit yet, or to speak of. It is supposed to arrive the 21st. Then to install it. It won't be needed most of the time. However, I may use it to keep the sidewalks out back open, and clear a path to the coop and barn. If that works well enough, maybe chickens in the spring. That has been one of my main hold-offs. Though I should check some things, town ordinances might have changed. Oh, and I will build an auto-feeder and put an all-weather water system in... if all else checks. Hmm, and winter would be a good time to clear wasp nests.
I am hoping to finish the computer room between today and tomorrow. Not using it currently, so cleaning and shutting it off seems best. Once completely clean and clear, mostly, I can begin fitting it, furniture wise, rightly for intended uses. I would like to keep the girls out. But it is the only room with accessible south-facing windows. That it will be much cooler might discourage general play out there? While they have their wonderfully lush winter coats they seem reluctant to use them. I'll find out.
Another shower, maybe a shave. Love those things, showers anyway. Shaves? When all is right and they go well. While learning the razolution or such, shaving is akin to walking on plate ice. Sometimes when wet. Still, a bit of stupid bravado is required, even for old roosters, as a necessity of right man life. Gotta strut right into sometimes. Life without risk would be even worse than life without women? Can't quite say that as some of my women were, probably still are even to me, dangerous. I've seen death in the depths of some of their beautiful blinkers, and just smiled in taunt. Shaving is sexy again, but there are limits. A few more shaves and I'll know. Taking plenty of time should help too. - Always read between the lines.
.
For several days , maybe a week or more?, waking at 5:00, give or take. One day, for efforts, was off, but only by two. I have two things that must be done, and a few things I would like to do. Having a regular day helps, but isn't necessary after I learned a few tricks. Day is only necessary for some business, yet is preferred. Morning rambling, using writing to wake. So dark lately, not helping.
Oh, when I deposited several checks from various returns I finally ordered a blade, tire chains, and a rear counter-weight kit for the cub cadet. I am lucky snow hasn't hit yet, or to speak of. It is supposed to arrive the 21st. Then to install it. It won't be needed most of the time. However, I may use it to keep the sidewalks out back open, and clear a path to the coop and barn. If that works well enough, maybe chickens in the spring. That has been one of my main hold-offs. Though I should check some things, town ordinances might have changed. Oh, and I will build an auto-feeder and put an all-weather water system in... if all else checks. Hmm, and winter would be a good time to clear wasp nests.
I am hoping to finish the computer room between today and tomorrow. Not using it currently, so cleaning and shutting it off seems best. Once completely clean and clear, mostly, I can begin fitting it, furniture wise, rightly for intended uses. I would like to keep the girls out. But it is the only room with accessible south-facing windows. That it will be much cooler might discourage general play out there? While they have their wonderfully lush winter coats they seem reluctant to use them. I'll find out.
Another shower, maybe a shave. Love those things, showers anyway. Shaves? When all is right and they go well. While learning the razolution or such, shaving is akin to walking on plate ice. Sometimes when wet. Still, a bit of stupid bravado is required, even for old roosters, as a necessity of right man life. Gotta strut right into sometimes. Life without risk would be even worse than life without women? Can't quite say that as some of my women were, probably still are even to me, dangerous. I've seen death in the depths of some of their beautiful blinkers, and just smiled in taunt. Shaving is sexy again, but there are limits. A few more shaves and I'll know. Taking plenty of time should help too. - Always read between the lines.
Thursday, November 16, 2017
Good sleep is often a reward of work.
.
.
So it was. After the visit, though, that was that. I do think I might finish that room yet this week. No longer using it, so I may be able to clear, clean, and split into a minor office and visitor are, using a divider of some sort, a standing screen sort of thing. I have always preferred small work areas when needing to focus. Yeah, cubicles have there purpose.
I even used the razorlution for the first time. Ihave had it for years. Was waiting unti I could use a regular double edge well first. One hint? Don't try a new sharp when pressed for time. My face looked like it was in a one-sided fight with a cat, definitely the loosing side. My first contact review is mixed. Given the time push, I am not blaming the razor. It got some angles a single blade just can't. But some areas were as treacherous as a ghetto. Experience may help, or it may simply be too large for sme areas. Shave with it and I will give you three points for bravery and one or two for stupity depending on if you have experience with standard razors of that design.
Mine has a mahogany handle. Advice? Hold on loosely but don't let go, or dance, while shaving. Will be trying it for the next month, when I remember to shave that is. And after my face grows back. :p
No work today, probably. I did work my feet though to. With some lotion, I might keep them from becoming so rough. I used a microplane, one for feet. Amazed. So much faster than pumice. Worked the cuticles too. Those can turn into barbed wire. A few more things, then I can relax more, a few after that and I can sleep through the winter if needs be, other than weekly tracking, random visits, and calls home.
Hmm, pork, seered, and a glass of milk. Best feed the girls first. Later.
.
So it was. After the visit, though, that was that. I do think I might finish that room yet this week. No longer using it, so I may be able to clear, clean, and split into a minor office and visitor are, using a divider of some sort, a standing screen sort of thing. I have always preferred small work areas when needing to focus. Yeah, cubicles have there purpose.
I even used the razorlution for the first time. Ihave had it for years. Was waiting unti I could use a regular double edge well first. One hint? Don't try a new sharp when pressed for time. My face looked like it was in a one-sided fight with a cat, definitely the loosing side. My first contact review is mixed. Given the time push, I am not blaming the razor. It got some angles a single blade just can't. But some areas were as treacherous as a ghetto. Experience may help, or it may simply be too large for sme areas. Shave with it and I will give you three points for bravery and one or two for stupity depending on if you have experience with standard razors of that design.
Mine has a mahogany handle. Advice? Hold on loosely but don't let go, or dance, while shaving. Will be trying it for the next month, when I remember to shave that is. And after my face grows back. :p
No work today, probably. I did work my feet though to. With some lotion, I might keep them from becoming so rough. I used a microplane, one for feet. Amazed. So much faster than pumice. Worked the cuticles too. Those can turn into barbed wire. A few more things, then I can relax more, a few after that and I can sleep through the winter if needs be, other than weekly tracking, random visits, and calls home.
Hmm, pork, seered, and a glass of milk. Best feed the girls first. Later.
Wednesday, November 15, 2017
At it again.
.
.
Guests arriving in a few hours. A room is being prepared. If nothing else I will know work was done in there. Pork ribs have finished and are cooling. Once cooled they will be cut into portions, wrapped, refrigerated until wanted, then seered on coals for that bacon-like finish.
A shower, shave, a bit more work, then after the visit, bills. Worked up a good sweat, though that is much easier with the oven going. Later.
.
Guests arriving in a few hours. A room is being prepared. If nothing else I will know work was done in there. Pork ribs have finished and are cooling. Once cooled they will be cut into portions, wrapped, refrigerated until wanted, then seered on coals for that bacon-like finish.
A shower, shave, a bit more work, then after the visit, bills. Worked up a good sweat, though that is much easier with the oven going. Later.
Seven thirty, all is well.
.
.
The hour became late before I took notice. Sleep was not an option, observation would have had no affect. Until a bit after midnight I played on. At least when the realization dawned sleep was available. For my cyclical sin, waking to an exquisite sort of headache was the price. It was as if a long curved stilleto blade had been sent through from just above my left brow onto the center of my spine somehow, with great care to include every nerve and bundle possible. Almost a migraine, probably muscular, fading as I wake.
Among my haul, fresh fruit. Tig ol' gratefruits, red pears, and honeycrisp apples. Red pears seem to hit and hold peak longer. Their standard sisters go from too green to falling apart mush in days, here. I would guess the reds are from closer? Apples are always a bit of a gamble. Depends when they arrived and their origin. No fault on grociers. It's just how it works. To be honest I am amazed at their craft. Might seem simple, humble, maybe mean. But I, for one am grateful, impressed. The honeycrisps, this time, were perfect. Maybe a gratefruit first? If it is too acidic I have meat in reserve, ready to heat. Some citrus hits hard, especially if it's been a while.
Two bills to pay, another shower, a bit more work. Then waiting. After today I can sleep as needed. In two weeks I will begin calling ssa once a week until I know what next. Other than that hibernation. Later.
.
The hour became late before I took notice. Sleep was not an option, observation would have had no affect. Until a bit after midnight I played on. At least when the realization dawned sleep was available. For my cyclical sin, waking to an exquisite sort of headache was the price. It was as if a long curved stilleto blade had been sent through from just above my left brow onto the center of my spine somehow, with great care to include every nerve and bundle possible. Almost a migraine, probably muscular, fading as I wake.
Among my haul, fresh fruit. Tig ol' gratefruits, red pears, and honeycrisp apples. Red pears seem to hit and hold peak longer. Their standard sisters go from too green to falling apart mush in days, here. I would guess the reds are from closer? Apples are always a bit of a gamble. Depends when they arrived and their origin. No fault on grociers. It's just how it works. To be honest I am amazed at their craft. Might seem simple, humble, maybe mean. But I, for one am grateful, impressed. The honeycrisps, this time, were perfect. Maybe a gratefruit first? If it is too acidic I have meat in reserve, ready to heat. Some citrus hits hard, especially if it's been a while.
Two bills to pay, another shower, a bit more work. Then waiting. After today I can sleep as needed. In two weeks I will begin calling ssa once a week until I know what next. Other than that hibernation. Later.
Tuesday, November 14, 2017
Much done.
.
.
The start was late. As I was gaming and waking I was waiting for the world to lighten. The sun has been out often lately. I think in the mornings. Not this one. When it dawned on me that the crack of said wouldn't be bright and shiny I had to rush. 10:50 or something. The post office closes at noon. There is the other town, but other than neighbor and mrs. neighbor, the post officer is the only other human in a thousand plus miles who can vouchsafe my identity. I bug the neighbors too much as is, so... So I rushed.
I made it. The second packet has been sent to social security. I don't believe this will have any more effect than the other. But it is done. Then the checks for utilies were dropped. Then to town. Not enough to do the leaf thing. A new rake, charcoal, and lighter fluid. On to grocery shopping. Chili sounds good, but I didn't want to mess with dry beans. Still have to, but just for one kind, kidney. I can do that. Enogh food to, probably, last the month.
I wish I could clear and clean in here. I just can't. I have two bills to pay, then I am caught up. Ugh. I don't think I can talk. If I get my voice back before bedtime... most likely tomorrow. I'm good wit tomorrow. This I am sure about. Argh! Forgot butter! That, milk, and meat are vital. I've been eating three to five pounds a day, staying right at 264... go figure. With the right water pill dose, finally, my weight doesn't vary more than a quarter pound. Amazing, to me.
Good night.
.
The start was late. As I was gaming and waking I was waiting for the world to lighten. The sun has been out often lately. I think in the mornings. Not this one. When it dawned on me that the crack of said wouldn't be bright and shiny I had to rush. 10:50 or something. The post office closes at noon. There is the other town, but other than neighbor and mrs. neighbor, the post officer is the only other human in a thousand plus miles who can vouchsafe my identity. I bug the neighbors too much as is, so... So I rushed.
I made it. The second packet has been sent to social security. I don't believe this will have any more effect than the other. But it is done. Then the checks for utilies were dropped. Then to town. Not enough to do the leaf thing. A new rake, charcoal, and lighter fluid. On to grocery shopping. Chili sounds good, but I didn't want to mess with dry beans. Still have to, but just for one kind, kidney. I can do that. Enogh food to, probably, last the month.
I wish I could clear and clean in here. I just can't. I have two bills to pay, then I am caught up. Ugh. I don't think I can talk. If I get my voice back before bedtime... most likely tomorrow. I'm good wit tomorrow. This I am sure about. Argh! Forgot butter! That, milk, and meat are vital. I've been eating three to five pounds a day, staying right at 264... go figure. With the right water pill dose, finally, my weight doesn't vary more than a quarter pound. Amazing, to me.
Good night.
Ugh.
.
.
Nothing for days. I continue medicine, food, a regularized day cycle if with extra sleep. Nothing else. I am gaming more. Sometimes that is a negative. Sometimes, as now, it is a good thing. Without outside human pressures, gaming provides structure, instruction, even requires learning, adaptation, and provides an environment to potential be creative in which to explore if only virtually. It also keeps the engine and transmission (?), mind and body, in idle.
Each new day I hope for more. Today is no different. I am hoping for a shower by 6:00, that is within two hours and change. Zero's attack on right blog times remains, I belief. That is another thing for a real pro-American government to fix. He feared true information would get out, so created a time-stamp hold-off so they could "fix" something, then cover it up, in theory. Doesn't work. It's like calling the cops versus the speed of light, and the cops on that beat aren't exactly the cream of the crop, more Zerosons, men, loosely, who can't find real work.
On to waking and gaming. Ugh.
.
Nothing for days. I continue medicine, food, a regularized day cycle if with extra sleep. Nothing else. I am gaming more. Sometimes that is a negative. Sometimes, as now, it is a good thing. Without outside human pressures, gaming provides structure, instruction, even requires learning, adaptation, and provides an environment to potential be creative in which to explore if only virtually. It also keeps the engine and transmission (?), mind and body, in idle.
Each new day I hope for more. Today is no different. I am hoping for a shower by 6:00, that is within two hours and change. Zero's attack on right blog times remains, I belief. That is another thing for a real pro-American government to fix. He feared true information would get out, so created a time-stamp hold-off so they could "fix" something, then cover it up, in theory. Doesn't work. It's like calling the cops versus the speed of light, and the cops on that beat aren't exactly the cream of the crop, more Zerosons, men, loosely, who can't find real work.
On to waking and gaming. Ugh.
Sunday, November 12, 2017
Always tomorrow?
.
.
As far as the mortal coil goes, to the extent ot it's awareness, yes. When the last lights out happens it is no longer a, at least conscious concern. Trust me on that one. Well? It's tomorrow! Sort of. Until the day officially starts it is right before tomorrow, another shot at another shot. Not a morning man, though sometimes, at the right angle, as with the crack of dawn. *looks askance*
I'll try the list for yesterday. Sleep was better. Down around 18:00, up around 4:00, add an half hour and sleep, while still short for recent norms, is more tolerable in every way. If I can get sleep to six to eight hours, and days to fourteen to eighteen, I can begin digging out. Yeah, I know, would just be a short-term thing until the next crash. Still, it's something to shoot at.
I'm prepping a roast, if another splatter of spaghetti and dose of raw milk might kick things off. Meds are down, heat is up, I think the plan has abetter start today. I thought I had the heat up earl yesterday, didn't... if I am sure I turned it up. Electrical hiccup? Threw me, in any case. Today I am watchful, listening. Tricky damned world while my environmental margins have reduced to that of the fiscal margins of a bum.
Good morning, Dawn.
.
As far as the mortal coil goes, to the extent ot it's awareness, yes. When the last lights out happens it is no longer a, at least conscious concern. Trust me on that one. Well? It's tomorrow! Sort of. Until the day officially starts it is right before tomorrow, another shot at another shot. Not a morning man, though sometimes, at the right angle, as with the crack of dawn. *looks askance*
I'll try the list for yesterday. Sleep was better. Down around 18:00, up around 4:00, add an half hour and sleep, while still short for recent norms, is more tolerable in every way. If I can get sleep to six to eight hours, and days to fourteen to eighteen, I can begin digging out. Yeah, I know, would just be a short-term thing until the next crash. Still, it's something to shoot at.
I'm prepping a roast, if another splatter of spaghetti and dose of raw milk might kick things off. Meds are down, heat is up, I think the plan has abetter start today. I thought I had the heat up earl yesterday, didn't... if I am sure I turned it up. Electrical hiccup? Threw me, in any case. Today I am watchful, listening. Tricky damned world while my environmental margins have reduced to that of the fiscal margins of a bum.
Good morning, Dawn.
Saturday, November 11, 2017
Still stuck.
.
.
Can't stick it out of neutral. The engine lights. Not sure what the problem is. I'll keep at it. I have enough food to load for a few days. I have been eating, if more as a duty after that first meal. At one time that pot of spaghetti and meat sauce was two, maybe three meals. This one will be eight to ten meals, more if it doesn't go bad or become intolerable before, even then seemingly too much per meal.
Medicine and sleep, with food, and I hope to finish a few things. Such dreams lately, and notions. Really started wondering if death was knocking, closing in. Maybe Dreamers sleep differently, maybe it is... lots of things, many perhaps most beyond mere science... being a tool limited to the observable, physical. Those who limit themselves to such are, truly, retarded. Not an insult just an understanding of limits. Not an iq thing, a wholeness thing, like a spiritual colorblindness. Anyway, do your best in any case. You will know in less than a hundred years, some of you far less.
I actually believe I have three to more like four decades remaining. They really should have been honest at the start. A heart transplant would have been far cheaper. I would have been dead within six years. Fire those .gov/.mil bean counters. :p Of course they are still aiming for .gov medicine to weed my kind out. I wonder, if incompetent care isn't fast enough, will they turn to outright genocide, or just legalize then shove doctor murder-suicide? Glad they messed up their charts, but not out of spite. It took a long time to... find the source of the Voice. Kept rejecting where that kept leading. Until I ran out of every last other option and reasonable objection. Boy is God longwinded!
Did you know auto-fill won't do some words? Suicide is one. There are others. Start logging them to see what history and politics are being hidden. Google will end up making Weinstein seem like just a bad boy if their sins, literal, political, and social are ever explored with prosecution in mind.
Later.
.
Can't stick it out of neutral. The engine lights. Not sure what the problem is. I'll keep at it. I have enough food to load for a few days. I have been eating, if more as a duty after that first meal. At one time that pot of spaghetti and meat sauce was two, maybe three meals. This one will be eight to ten meals, more if it doesn't go bad or become intolerable before, even then seemingly too much per meal.
Medicine and sleep, with food, and I hope to finish a few things. Such dreams lately, and notions. Really started wondering if death was knocking, closing in. Maybe Dreamers sleep differently, maybe it is... lots of things, many perhaps most beyond mere science... being a tool limited to the observable, physical. Those who limit themselves to such are, truly, retarded. Not an insult just an understanding of limits. Not an iq thing, a wholeness thing, like a spiritual colorblindness. Anyway, do your best in any case. You will know in less than a hundred years, some of you far less.
I actually believe I have three to more like four decades remaining. They really should have been honest at the start. A heart transplant would have been far cheaper. I would have been dead within six years. Fire those .gov/.mil bean counters. :p Of course they are still aiming for .gov medicine to weed my kind out. I wonder, if incompetent care isn't fast enough, will they turn to outright genocide, or just legalize then shove doctor murder-suicide? Glad they messed up their charts, but not out of spite. It took a long time to... find the source of the Voice. Kept rejecting where that kept leading. Until I ran out of every last other option and reasonable objection. Boy is God longwinded!
Did you know auto-fill won't do some words? Suicide is one. There are others. Start logging them to see what history and politics are being hidden. Google will end up making Weinstein seem like just a bad boy if their sins, literal, political, and social are ever explored with prosecution in mind.
Later.
A start.
.
.
I was awake until after 20:00. I can't be certain how much later. I was only awake that late because I needed to eat. I had to thaw hamburger, then cook it and pasta. I wouldn't have been able to sleep without food. I had started choking on hunger juices, created from long fasting and those bits of work. Didn't eat near as much as expected, if I ate well enough.
Waking at 5:20, roughly. Being forced to jumble my day that long, then sleep so late if also so short of a time comparatively has me a bit unsettled. More food this morning. I suspect I will have to slowly feed up to get going. I won't be able to just shove through. Which means food is immediate priority. Though I can do other small things on the side. Charcoal, meat, maybe a few veggies for... color? Blast if I know.
Dreams, no memories of them. Good feelings though. Sleep was good as well, just dragging from the forced shift. I'll see what happens. Another shower, a real shave, and making the bed in the next few hours? All but guaranteed. What then is the real question. A nap might be needed and conducive to doing more, say a bit before noon? The notion offers incentive to getting a few extra things done beforehand. Good morning. Later.
.
I was awake until after 20:00. I can't be certain how much later. I was only awake that late because I needed to eat. I had to thaw hamburger, then cook it and pasta. I wouldn't have been able to sleep without food. I had started choking on hunger juices, created from long fasting and those bits of work. Didn't eat near as much as expected, if I ate well enough.
Waking at 5:20, roughly. Being forced to jumble my day that long, then sleep so late if also so short of a time comparatively has me a bit unsettled. More food this morning. I suspect I will have to slowly feed up to get going. I won't be able to just shove through. Which means food is immediate priority. Though I can do other small things on the side. Charcoal, meat, maybe a few veggies for... color? Blast if I know.
Dreams, no memories of them. Good feelings though. Sleep was good as well, just dragging from the forced shift. I'll see what happens. Another shower, a real shave, and making the bed in the next few hours? All but guaranteed. What then is the real question. A nap might be needed and conducive to doing more, say a bit before noon? The notion offers incentive to getting a few extra things done beforehand. Good morning. Later.
Friday, November 10, 2017
Not quite.
.
.
I was sure I would be faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, and able to leap over tall buildigs with a single bound. Yeah, about that no food in a while thing. I got a shower in. I might yet shave, perhaps resetting dishes for another wash, but that is it. Even that, a few days, week, without food and sleeping like that... Thawing burger for a very meaty spaghetti dinner. Barely walking, but I'll try to be closer to ready after tanking up.
Oh, I'll get there. Monday will be a fresh start. I am sure. Just forgot some things. Later or good night. I suspect I'll be crashing rather than slipping gently to sleep. Just gotta try to keep the day. I've fought hard for it. Be well.
.
I was sure I would be faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, and able to leap over tall buildigs with a single bound. Yeah, about that no food in a while thing. I got a shower in. I might yet shave, perhaps resetting dishes for another wash, but that is it. Even that, a few days, week, without food and sleeping like that... Thawing burger for a very meaty spaghetti dinner. Barely walking, but I'll try to be closer to ready after tanking up.
Oh, I'll get there. Monday will be a fresh start. I am sure. Just forgot some things. Later or good night. I suspect I'll be crashing rather than slipping gently to sleep. Just gotta try to keep the day. I've fought hard for it. Be well.
Slow going.
.
.
I expected a bit more umph. I just did. Sometimes I really can crawl out of my little grave and tackle the world. The sense was there. Fine, I'll go as fast as possible. The dishes got the first hit and I prepped my whiskers for a real shave. Working a blade through bushwire just isn't fun. Tamed and shaving becomes almost a pleasure. Those things and feeding the brats ended my battery packs. Well, I am making my bed in the mornings now, and put cases on new pillows I just received. Hey, it adds up. :p
A quick post, a bit of gaming, then back to it. A shower, shave, then to the post office and paying a bill. Then else. I forgot to turn the heat up. That isn't the whole problem, if that will help. Might have to eat soon. It's been a while. Yeah, that'll put a wrench in the machine.
My mother called. Wisdom teeth problems, it got cold there, otherwise good. Yeah, not all sunny and easy, but not all bad. She is scheduling work for what she can fix and doing what she can to manage the rest. I told her to expect a day or two of sun soon. Special delivery. Not sure about help with the wind, that goes with living in a continent sized valley! *grin*
Later.
.
I expected a bit more umph. I just did. Sometimes I really can crawl out of my little grave and tackle the world. The sense was there. Fine, I'll go as fast as possible. The dishes got the first hit and I prepped my whiskers for a real shave. Working a blade through bushwire just isn't fun. Tamed and shaving becomes almost a pleasure. Those things and feeding the brats ended my battery packs. Well, I am making my bed in the mornings now, and put cases on new pillows I just received. Hey, it adds up. :p
A quick post, a bit of gaming, then back to it. A shower, shave, then to the post office and paying a bill. Then else. I forgot to turn the heat up. That isn't the whole problem, if that will help. Might have to eat soon. It's been a while. Yeah, that'll put a wrench in the machine.
My mother called. Wisdom teeth problems, it got cold there, otherwise good. Yeah, not all sunny and easy, but not all bad. She is scheduling work for what she can fix and doing what she can to manage the rest. I told her to expect a day or two of sun soon. Special delivery. Not sure about help with the wind, that goes with living in a continent sized valley! *grin*
Later.
Getting somewhere.
.
.
A muscle headache, on waking, typical of cycle shifting. Awake until after 17:00, as good as memory goes. At least an half hour beyond, maybe several hours beyond. Short-term memory becomes as a mosquito finding itself on the windshield of a car at speed... minding it's own business, then spots an asshole it is sure it should recognize, then lights out. Meds, anacine, a bit of reading, writing, gaming, and waking first. Then new and old plans.
Old plans? Paperwork and bills, a few added, new month. New? A leaf barrel, more bags, several rakes to try things, and a few pieces of hardware. Leaves are back. I want to give them a go. I need to do dishes in the way, shower, shave, and such first. Did I get better? No, I don't think so. A bit of sun the last few days, and a slight nudge from a netizen neighbor, which I will share. Because friends do that.
I wish I could more truly share my dreams. Not that I have fears, less so in the long run, if concerns for order and right chaos until balance must be surrendered to the war between those. Attrition, in essence, of life against itself. I still don't think... no, it is understood. Hubris, pride really. I remember my own hand in that. I know how the story ends, the main one and mine. The haggling, marshalling, war, and attempts at "peace", and all else must be endured, I finally see, for the hope of salvation for the largest number of souls. It, at times, seems such a dreadful hope. Then again so did homework... until the pop-quiz.
Back to waking. Good morning, while I am at it. Go get em'.
.
A muscle headache, on waking, typical of cycle shifting. Awake until after 17:00, as good as memory goes. At least an half hour beyond, maybe several hours beyond. Short-term memory becomes as a mosquito finding itself on the windshield of a car at speed... minding it's own business, then spots an asshole it is sure it should recognize, then lights out. Meds, anacine, a bit of reading, writing, gaming, and waking first. Then new and old plans.
Old plans? Paperwork and bills, a few added, new month. New? A leaf barrel, more bags, several rakes to try things, and a few pieces of hardware. Leaves are back. I want to give them a go. I need to do dishes in the way, shower, shave, and such first. Did I get better? No, I don't think so. A bit of sun the last few days, and a slight nudge from a netizen neighbor, which I will share. Because friends do that.
I wish I could more truly share my dreams. Not that I have fears, less so in the long run, if concerns for order and right chaos until balance must be surrendered to the war between those. Attrition, in essence, of life against itself. I still don't think... no, it is understood. Hubris, pride really. I remember my own hand in that. I know how the story ends, the main one and mine. The haggling, marshalling, war, and attempts at "peace", and all else must be endured, I finally see, for the hope of salvation for the largest number of souls. It, at times, seems such a dreadful hope. Then again so did homework... until the pop-quiz.
Back to waking. Good morning, while I am at it. Go get em'.
Thursday, November 9, 2017
Dreams of the sort to be cherished.
.
.
A few folk suspect some things. Asked if charging into the middle of things was wise? I think only for some, for the results most hope. Most prefer to survive. Just because one ends up surviving to some point (at least beyond the last such event) doesn't mean living was an objective. As well, the past doesn't predict the future. If you face impossible odds, however, I still suggest a full onslaught. You would be amazed at the outcome. Win, lose, or draw, you will become a hero, even to hated enemies. Surrender your life willfully, before any battle but really as a function of militant occupation, then become living war... or just stick with brick laying, lawyering, or such... but don't do that meekly either. This doesn't apply to women.
Never a soldier, always a warrior, dreams... I had hoped for a beautiful death. Looks like infirmity or age is most likely. Though who knows, an old wolf might seem game to a pack of antifa, and one might sneak behind while the rest of it's hive is being crushed.
Charging death might well get you dead. Or it will get you to your next hot meal, hot shower, sleep, r&r, or even home or final home. Oh, and spit on any politician, businessman, or citizen who disrespects real men. It is odd how some men just can't seem to... get lucky. Almost makes one wonder, when there is the whole of time to do so.
That wasn't the whole of it. Women, all around, touching, but in chastity. I am still not ready for such. Still far too alive. Even so it seems a great gift, honor, to have the veil of tears rent, then to be allowed succor from sister saints, and to be able to know that rightly, at least for a while, if only there. Seventy two virgins? No! All of them. And they remain so, at least in the house of whispers. Am I dying? I don't think so. So strange.
Later.
.
A few folk suspect some things. Asked if charging into the middle of things was wise? I think only for some, for the results most hope. Most prefer to survive. Just because one ends up surviving to some point (at least beyond the last such event) doesn't mean living was an objective. As well, the past doesn't predict the future. If you face impossible odds, however, I still suggest a full onslaught. You would be amazed at the outcome. Win, lose, or draw, you will become a hero, even to hated enemies. Surrender your life willfully, before any battle but really as a function of militant occupation, then become living war... or just stick with brick laying, lawyering, or such... but don't do that meekly either. This doesn't apply to women.
Never a soldier, always a warrior, dreams... I had hoped for a beautiful death. Looks like infirmity or age is most likely. Though who knows, an old wolf might seem game to a pack of antifa, and one might sneak behind while the rest of it's hive is being crushed.
Charging death might well get you dead. Or it will get you to your next hot meal, hot shower, sleep, r&r, or even home or final home. Oh, and spit on any politician, businessman, or citizen who disrespects real men. It is odd how some men just can't seem to... get lucky. Almost makes one wonder, when there is the whole of time to do so.
That wasn't the whole of it. Women, all around, touching, but in chastity. I am still not ready for such. Still far too alive. Even so it seems a great gift, honor, to have the veil of tears rent, then to be allowed succor from sister saints, and to be able to know that rightly, at least for a while, if only there. Seventy two virgins? No! All of them. And they remain so, at least in the house of whispers. Am I dying? I don't think so. So strange.
Later.
Wednesday, November 8, 2017
Perfection?
.
.
That isn't the currency available. Good to bad, say ten increments on each side with zero as the fulcrum. Of course an old bull may not pace a young one, if what the old Brahman might know could counter speed in his favor. Still, condition and potential within the x, y, z, and other holy design restrictions need to be given their dues.
Hmm? Oh, I mean it is noon, I am still awake and rather aware, if I don't seem to be getting anywhere with regards to work, physical efforts. The list is on my mind. I will do what I can when I can. Dark days are doing what they do. Still, it looks like I might dig out shortly.
The strange dreams and daydreams persist. Don't think you get them. Some, in retrospect, seem to indicate things, or potentially. Things they don't, at all, as I have reviewed and considered. Then again... I have it on good authority a cleaved head no longer plots. Choices? Yeah. *grins*
I'll attempt to push my day along. What might be helping is that I rembered to invert medication, taking night meds in the morning (when I am actually going to bed) and morning pills at night (as I wake). This helps with usefulness and effect. The meds that make me tired work better when I am going to sleep anyway, even in the morning. And some wonder why I am, or seem, confused all the time.
I am continuously required to recalibrate on the fly, while falling through fog, mostly asleep, half on and off meds, with detractors and enemies at every turn. Hell, I can't even die and my enemies are more ballless than I dare dream, and that is the male ones. I expect only backstabbing from women, it's mostly all they can really muster. Hrumph! Ha! That'll get me through a few more hours? Either way it was fun.
.
That isn't the currency available. Good to bad, say ten increments on each side with zero as the fulcrum. Of course an old bull may not pace a young one, if what the old Brahman might know could counter speed in his favor. Still, condition and potential within the x, y, z, and other holy design restrictions need to be given their dues.
Hmm? Oh, I mean it is noon, I am still awake and rather aware, if I don't seem to be getting anywhere with regards to work, physical efforts. The list is on my mind. I will do what I can when I can. Dark days are doing what they do. Still, it looks like I might dig out shortly.
The strange dreams and daydreams persist. Don't think you get them. Some, in retrospect, seem to indicate things, or potentially. Things they don't, at all, as I have reviewed and considered. Then again... I have it on good authority a cleaved head no longer plots. Choices? Yeah. *grins*
I'll attempt to push my day along. What might be helping is that I rembered to invert medication, taking night meds in the morning (when I am actually going to bed) and morning pills at night (as I wake). This helps with usefulness and effect. The meds that make me tired work better when I am going to sleep anyway, even in the morning. And some wonder why I am, or seem, confused all the time.
I am continuously required to recalibrate on the fly, while falling through fog, mostly asleep, half on and off meds, with detractors and enemies at every turn. Hell, I can't even die and my enemies are more ballless than I dare dream, and that is the male ones. I expect only backstabbing from women, it's mostly all they can really muster. Hrumph! Ha! That'll get me through a few more hours? Either way it was fun.
Leveling or evening?
.
.
Not always certain which term is better understood or more correct, those are different mind you. If your audience is regular folk, understanding is the way. If it is a literary or scholarly crowd, then specific terms, phrases, and uncommon even academically contorted linguistics is the way to go. I seem to have a crosssection of visitors. Wait. I reject, at the very least, modern academic efforts toward clever, sage, separation methods. Concise and plain, within my capacity and the limits of the subject matter is my aim. Hmm? Oh, just reboot considerations.
What is being admitted is that I don't know which term to use. Sleep is becoming regular. The cycles aren't normal, in that sleep is taking twelve to fourteen hours a day, sometimes more. No naps though. Waking is, perhaps eight to ten hours a day. Not as I'd have it, still better than it has been. Leveling, evening, or is there a better way to write it?
As well, sleep is allowing actual rest. As dark as it is, though, even being more rested is still limited. As well as things are going I am hoping to catch my winter second breath and climb back to work, perhaps play as well. Snowshoeing, for example, to seek potential camp sites. Yeah, I know, however... I sleep with my bedroom windows open a crack. I only need to make sure I have decent sleep gear, am out of the wind, and that I am not in an avalanche lane. Oh, and I need enough food to go at the pace that I can reasonably expect, and know how to start and maintain fire out there. The rest is what it is.
Hmm? Don't know much else for now. Later.
.
Not always certain which term is better understood or more correct, those are different mind you. If your audience is regular folk, understanding is the way. If it is a literary or scholarly crowd, then specific terms, phrases, and uncommon even academically contorted linguistics is the way to go. I seem to have a crosssection of visitors. Wait. I reject, at the very least, modern academic efforts toward clever, sage, separation methods. Concise and plain, within my capacity and the limits of the subject matter is my aim. Hmm? Oh, just reboot considerations.
What is being admitted is that I don't know which term to use. Sleep is becoming regular. The cycles aren't normal, in that sleep is taking twelve to fourteen hours a day, sometimes more. No naps though. Waking is, perhaps eight to ten hours a day. Not as I'd have it, still better than it has been. Leveling, evening, or is there a better way to write it?
As well, sleep is allowing actual rest. As dark as it is, though, even being more rested is still limited. As well as things are going I am hoping to catch my winter second breath and climb back to work, perhaps play as well. Snowshoeing, for example, to seek potential camp sites. Yeah, I know, however... I sleep with my bedroom windows open a crack. I only need to make sure I have decent sleep gear, am out of the wind, and that I am not in an avalanche lane. Oh, and I need enough food to go at the pace that I can reasonably expect, and know how to start and maintain fire out there. The rest is what it is.
Hmm? Don't know much else for now. Later.
Tuesday, November 7, 2017
Something nears.
.
.
At times it is sleep. In these times it is another... existence. While my body may rest I do not. A shadow of light has no shadow. Never alone. No worries.
.
At times it is sleep. In these times it is another... existence. While my body may rest I do not. A shadow of light has no shadow. Never alone. No worries.
Such odd gifts, or curses... threats.
.
.
Could just be incidence. Odd videos. Meaning? Some draw my interest. I don't share all. I don't think... I probably share too much as is. Sometimes, if there is enough recurrence, and maybe a fit if just in my mind, I split it out in spite of you. So be it.
Some notion of how it will be. I think even some of them are getting it. Some don't believe, suspect what was always will be. I think this was to suggest that, to me, to all. After seeing it pop far to often, and in the wrong places I gave it a view. Had to laugh. Apparently they aren't long-time consumers, or they thought I wouldn't remember? Oh, I had to laugh.
This is as it was, is, and will be. Until it isn't.
.
Could just be incidence. Odd videos. Meaning? Some draw my interest. I don't share all. I don't think... I probably share too much as is. Sometimes, if there is enough recurrence, and maybe a fit if just in my mind, I split it out in spite of you. So be it.
Some notion of how it will be. I think even some of them are getting it. Some don't believe, suspect what was always will be. I think this was to suggest that, to me, to all. After seeing it pop far to often, and in the wrong places I gave it a view. Had to laugh. Apparently they aren't long-time consumers, or they thought I wouldn't remember? Oh, I had to laugh.
This is as it was, is, and will be. Until it isn't.
Monday, November 6, 2017
Didn't I just? But, but?
.
.
Doing third shift is odd. I have been trying to tag day and date. Actually this has been an aspect of my health improvement since they admitted what was wrong and started treating the heart. In the worst of times my efforts fail. Memory simply will not work. Lately, even with the level of exhaustion, I have been able to keep up. Still, especially when just waking, and on the late schedule, going to bed on Monday and waking on Monday can cause gears to grind, until awareness, a grin, then a couple of hoots explode as I catch being the butt of my own joke.
I haven't been working. I can barely game. I'll probably not be eating for a while again either. Oh, I am hungry, I just can't get to cooking. No worries, this is sort of what I needed, wanted, to happen. It might be accidental fasting but it will do. I have stuff, food, if... I won't die. I have gone more than a month before,much longer. Perhaps a skinny average man could only go a month. Ogers can go longer. Surprisingly don't lose much weight. How active one is, of course, would make a difference. I will mostly be sleeping, so.
Not much else. Another shower? Sure. I have my plants in there still, they love the heat and steam almost as much as I do. Later.
.
Doing third shift is odd. I have been trying to tag day and date. Actually this has been an aspect of my health improvement since they admitted what was wrong and started treating the heart. In the worst of times my efforts fail. Memory simply will not work. Lately, even with the level of exhaustion, I have been able to keep up. Still, especially when just waking, and on the late schedule, going to bed on Monday and waking on Monday can cause gears to grind, until awareness, a grin, then a couple of hoots explode as I catch being the butt of my own joke.
I haven't been working. I can barely game. I'll probably not be eating for a while again either. Oh, I am hungry, I just can't get to cooking. No worries, this is sort of what I needed, wanted, to happen. It might be accidental fasting but it will do. I have stuff, food, if... I won't die. I have gone more than a month before,much longer. Perhaps a skinny average man could only go a month. Ogers can go longer. Surprisingly don't lose much weight. How active one is, of course, would make a difference. I will mostly be sleeping, so.
Not much else. Another shower? Sure. I have my plants in there still, they love the heat and steam almost as much as I do. Later.
That was wild.
.
.
Shortly after waking to a nothing burger sort of existence I crashed. Did I sleep for two or four hours, six? I am guessing on the shorter edge of the range. It, it's brevity not of consequence, was one of the most restful in some time. The fog has lifted, partly, for moments. I may return to rest before long, if I may be able to do just a few tasks first. Catching a sense of being rested makes the tangle with sleep worth the fuss, and loss of time.
Saw a musical statement. Turned it into a question, and answered it. Lost?
.
Shortly after waking to a nothing burger sort of existence I crashed. Did I sleep for two or four hours, six? I am guessing on the shorter edge of the range. It, it's brevity not of consequence, was one of the most restful in some time. The fog has lifted, partly, for moments. I may return to rest before long, if I may be able to do just a few tasks first. Catching a sense of being rested makes the tangle with sleep worth the fuss, and loss of time.
Saw a musical statement. Turned it into a question, and answered it. Lost?
Sunday, November 5, 2017
Awake for what it matters.
.
.
Was it snowing today, last night? I don't think I ever got out of bed, but I remember seeing it, being out in it. It didn't seem like a dream though. I can't say. It didn't seem to be sticking, I'll look later anyway. Sleep isn't doing much for me. I wake feeling like a fish out of water. Perhaps semi-amphibian, just enough to not die. And dreams. No pain, just... difficult to explain.
I will keep at it. If nothing is done it won't be for lack of will. When I can remember... anything. I have been eating and mostly taking meds, it's just the season. I'll either get through it sooner or because of spring.
Another lefty shooting? Keep it up and it won't just be foreigners who will have to go, but atheists and leftists too. Read that half of millenials wish to live in socialist/communist countries. While I believe that number is far too high, even if it isn't, I believe the rest of America agrees. This isn't one of those countries. There are two in hitchhiking range, and if you sell all your capitalist crap you could probably afford to go almost anywhere. I also believe, if you would denounce citizenship irrevocably, some of us might pitch in to... help you OUT.
What to do? A meal, I can't think beyond that quite yet. Later, perhaps.
.
Was it snowing today, last night? I don't think I ever got out of bed, but I remember seeing it, being out in it. It didn't seem like a dream though. I can't say. It didn't seem to be sticking, I'll look later anyway. Sleep isn't doing much for me. I wake feeling like a fish out of water. Perhaps semi-amphibian, just enough to not die. And dreams. No pain, just... difficult to explain.
I will keep at it. If nothing is done it won't be for lack of will. When I can remember... anything. I have been eating and mostly taking meds, it's just the season. I'll either get through it sooner or because of spring.
Another lefty shooting? Keep it up and it won't just be foreigners who will have to go, but atheists and leftists too. Read that half of millenials wish to live in socialist/communist countries. While I believe that number is far too high, even if it isn't, I believe the rest of America agrees. This isn't one of those countries. There are two in hitchhiking range, and if you sell all your capitalist crap you could probably afford to go almost anywhere. I also believe, if you would denounce citizenship irrevocably, some of us might pitch in to... help you OUT.
What to do? A meal, I can't think beyond that quite yet. Later, perhaps.
Saturday, November 4, 2017
I don't understand.
.
.
Thinking to myself, not really looking, gifted a vid that is uncomfortably close.
.
Thinking to myself, not really looking, gifted a vid that is uncomfortably close.
Sleep.
.
.
Not a nap, not a full sleep cycle, enough sleep to attempt approaching consciousness. Maybe doing a few things, like cleaning flat surfaces in the kitche, sorting a few areas, nothing grand, just some minor chores. I am thinking all flat surfaces, the oven, and finally under the sink... a complete underhaul. Maybe. It is the plan. First to eat, wake, shower, and?
Starting from the start, food and turning up the heat. That way I am digesting while waking, warming from several sources internal and external. When you become an old diesal engine, one needs every trick available. I'll be cautious about food volume this time.
Raining off and on. While wonderful for sleep always a concern this time of year. Turning to snow isn't so bad, freezing is. No matter what the news says, until you know yourself you can't know. Usually this sort of cocern is shorter lived unless one lives in a border area or has a freak weather event or year. I live were it generally gets and stays frozen, mostly. Getting colder, too, it seems.
Later.
.
Not a nap, not a full sleep cycle, enough sleep to attempt approaching consciousness. Maybe doing a few things, like cleaning flat surfaces in the kitche, sorting a few areas, nothing grand, just some minor chores. I am thinking all flat surfaces, the oven, and finally under the sink... a complete underhaul. Maybe. It is the plan. First to eat, wake, shower, and?
Starting from the start, food and turning up the heat. That way I am digesting while waking, warming from several sources internal and external. When you become an old diesal engine, one needs every trick available. I'll be cautious about food volume this time.
Raining off and on. While wonderful for sleep always a concern this time of year. Turning to snow isn't so bad, freezing is. No matter what the news says, until you know yourself you can't know. Usually this sort of cocern is shorter lived unless one lives in a border area or has a freak weather event or year. I live were it generally gets and stays frozen, mostly. Getting colder, too, it seems.
Later.
Mostly nothing.
.
.
No pain, few sensations, a bit sleepy, good though. This is as accidentally transcendental as I can get. In these times, with some medication, more or less regular food, pets for company, and a few other things going well, for me, I am usually wide awake in these events. No pain, no fear, no connection to flesh, yet a capacity to act if needed, directed, driven by others, self, or right demand. I have to assume this is passive Zen, but could become active, even retaining the personal nothing. While no longer an adherent of this as religion, I do recognize this point as some level of the goal from my time in that school of belief. Interesting, I am better at it out than as a practitioner.
Dinner was had. A bit to much. Not from hunger, I merely ate in obligation to flesh. Overconsumption occured because I could not sense anything while eating so continued without thought. If the fog continues I will attempt to... focus, stop at a certain point. After days of nothing, then just cabbage, I don't think it should be a problem.
Nothing fancy. I simply can't focus. I think I am a bit worn, tired, as well. I won't do much. A shower, shave, maybe one load of laundry... and spot treating some shirts? Hmm, I wonder if that was the cause of one off several rolled eyes lately. I chuckle if so, men are, well, spotty. Not sure it will work. Shirts of a certain age just... die? Might have to replace.
Oh, just a spot I think fits. Later.
.
No pain, few sensations, a bit sleepy, good though. This is as accidentally transcendental as I can get. In these times, with some medication, more or less regular food, pets for company, and a few other things going well, for me, I am usually wide awake in these events. No pain, no fear, no connection to flesh, yet a capacity to act if needed, directed, driven by others, self, or right demand. I have to assume this is passive Zen, but could become active, even retaining the personal nothing. While no longer an adherent of this as religion, I do recognize this point as some level of the goal from my time in that school of belief. Interesting, I am better at it out than as a practitioner.
Dinner was had. A bit to much. Not from hunger, I merely ate in obligation to flesh. Overconsumption occured because I could not sense anything while eating so continued without thought. If the fog continues I will attempt to... focus, stop at a certain point. After days of nothing, then just cabbage, I don't think it should be a problem.
Nothing fancy. I simply can't focus. I think I am a bit worn, tired, as well. I won't do much. A shower, shave, maybe one load of laundry... and spot treating some shirts? Hmm, I wonder if that was the cause of one off several rolled eyes lately. I chuckle if so, men are, well, spotty. Not sure it will work. Shirts of a certain age just... die? Might have to replace.
Oh, just a spot I think fits. Later.
Friday, November 3, 2017
That hurt.
.
.
Down at 13:00 and some. Knocking woke me at 15:00 plus. Those hard starts after long rough wake cycles are a bit harsh. Couldn't seem to calm back down to sleep plus I was hungry. Veggies don't quite do it. Still I never actually woke up. Hope I wasn't rude, didn't say anything off color. I suppose, as often as I am asleep at the hoof, that I am not in jail probably means something rather profound. Being that tired isn't far from being inebriated, sometimes beyond it... no impulse control. I must have burned impulse control right down to raw animal layers. But... how, who, or What? Is God a Who or a What, or both? I am going with both. Laws, truth, real science, etc. are aspects? Then there is the Being, in the Trinity. Anyway...
I woke a little early. Probably hungry. I roasted beef, heated cabbage at the end, finally getting real food. Crashing again. I'll sleep as needed then shower, shave, and take most of the day off. Putting the bill in is the only goal. I realized something is missing with ssa paperwork, a witness signature. I'll have figure out how to break in and reseal, as well as arranging a witness to sign. Sleep, again, first. Sure enjoed dinner.
.
Down at 13:00 and some. Knocking woke me at 15:00 plus. Those hard starts after long rough wake cycles are a bit harsh. Couldn't seem to calm back down to sleep plus I was hungry. Veggies don't quite do it. Still I never actually woke up. Hope I wasn't rude, didn't say anything off color. I suppose, as often as I am asleep at the hoof, that I am not in jail probably means something rather profound. Being that tired isn't far from being inebriated, sometimes beyond it... no impulse control. I must have burned impulse control right down to raw animal layers. But... how, who, or What? Is God a Who or a What, or both? I am going with both. Laws, truth, real science, etc. are aspects? Then there is the Being, in the Trinity. Anyway...
I woke a little early. Probably hungry. I roasted beef, heated cabbage at the end, finally getting real food. Crashing again. I'll sleep as needed then shower, shave, and take most of the day off. Putting the bill in is the only goal. I realized something is missing with ssa paperwork, a witness signature. I'll have figure out how to break in and reseal, as well as arranging a witness to sign. Sleep, again, first. Sure enjoed dinner.
Yes, yes, no!
.
.
The day was escaping. I kept the plan in place. It got too close to noon for the little plan, while the bigger plan collapsed under the weight of being up so late. Even so I finally completed the paperwork. Well, maybe not every last syllable, no. As much as I knew. Then on to bill paying. I caught up with the first check, then intended to write enough for a year or two per month. Owp. Not enough checks for two quarters, so a big one next month to keep nearly six months clear, until checks arrive. But to remember? Gah, this piecemeal world is annoying.
No, while complete (fingers crossed behind back) they won't get out today. But I am getting there. Tomorrow, perhaps Sunday, maybe Monday. It will be done to be good as soon as it can be. Just... hold on. Crashing, hard. Good night, day.
.
The day was escaping. I kept the plan in place. It got too close to noon for the little plan, while the bigger plan collapsed under the weight of being up so late. Even so I finally completed the paperwork. Well, maybe not every last syllable, no. As much as I knew. Then on to bill paying. I caught up with the first check, then intended to write enough for a year or two per month. Owp. Not enough checks for two quarters, so a big one next month to keep nearly six months clear, until checks arrive. But to remember? Gah, this piecemeal world is annoying.
No, while complete (fingers crossed behind back) they won't get out today. But I am getting there. Tomorrow, perhaps Sunday, maybe Monday. It will be done to be good as soon as it can be. Just... hold on. Crashing, hard. Good night, day.
Hungry and more.
.
.
It has been a while since I ate, I think. I set meats to thaw, they haven't. I knew of cabbage and cauliflower in the fridge, but those are old, weeks not days. Still, hungry. The cauliflower was off, lightly but clearly. The cabbage? A knife, several layers down, more out of caution, and golden. I sampled the hearts to be sure. All good. Halved each head, each half into thirds, and steamed. Butter makes even a vegetable edible. Nothing fancy just something.
A shower, first thing after waking last night. A good thing too. It can be embarrassing to seem hale yet unkempt. I almost wish health matched appearance. Then again if some things suggested herein have a mustard seed of truth... As mentioned, this eve was no failure, well, other than my standard in that area. Some don't fancy ogers.
I will be hitting paperwork and the bill shortly. The bill shouldn't be a problem. The paperwork has me twitching. The government is simply often evil in this regard. I'll know more in a bit. I honestly wonder if even they know how to fill out their own paperwork with even a dim understanding of the whole or even partial whys. Anyway, the goal is to do both and get them out. Ugh, ackh, and other such.
As well, getting several bags of cowboy charcoal. Perhaps a few groceries as well. Love salsa on crisped meat. Pork is best but beef isn't bad. The cabbage will be a fine add, mostly with beef, though I like trying... different. Later.
Oh, a few tunes of near blogage yore surfaced a few layers down. I... just... want to float them, hear them for a bit. Nothing trauma-inducing, or at least not coming at you at the speed of pain, if one always sneaks up on me.
.
It has been a while since I ate, I think. I set meats to thaw, they haven't. I knew of cabbage and cauliflower in the fridge, but those are old, weeks not days. Still, hungry. The cauliflower was off, lightly but clearly. The cabbage? A knife, several layers down, more out of caution, and golden. I sampled the hearts to be sure. All good. Halved each head, each half into thirds, and steamed. Butter makes even a vegetable edible. Nothing fancy just something.
A shower, first thing after waking last night. A good thing too. It can be embarrassing to seem hale yet unkempt. I almost wish health matched appearance. Then again if some things suggested herein have a mustard seed of truth... As mentioned, this eve was no failure, well, other than my standard in that area. Some don't fancy ogers.
I will be hitting paperwork and the bill shortly. The bill shouldn't be a problem. The paperwork has me twitching. The government is simply often evil in this regard. I'll know more in a bit. I honestly wonder if even they know how to fill out their own paperwork with even a dim understanding of the whole or even partial whys. Anyway, the goal is to do both and get them out. Ugh, ackh, and other such.
As well, getting several bags of cowboy charcoal. Perhaps a few groceries as well. Love salsa on crisped meat. Pork is best but beef isn't bad. The cabbage will be a fine add, mostly with beef, though I like trying... different. Later.
Oh, a few tunes of near blogage yore surfaced a few layers down. I... just... want to float them, hear them for a bit. Nothing trauma-inducing, or at least not coming at you at the speed of pain, if one always sneaks up on me.
Interesting.
.
.
That was fast. Never can tell who, though it fits the now invisible target's potential for a response. I would be impressed were that to prove true. Perhaps another who tags well and who has learned to almost skip to my rhythm, rope... game. Yes, whatever else the case, interesting. Wonderful.
.
That was fast. Never can tell who, though it fits the now invisible target's potential for a response. I would be impressed were that to prove true. Perhaps another who tags well and who has learned to almost skip to my rhythm, rope... game. Yes, whatever else the case, interesting. Wonderful.
Perhaps not just, still, a girl?
.
.
Not that it matters. Only that when a supposition is proven wrong, or perhaps in this case changes, some smaller or larger... enjoyment might be entertained. The cage for a chaste, in soothe, muse seems to have grown too small, or weak, to contain. A bit surprised. Most who make that leap lack the strength to expose their new station, merely playing along, for old times or other sake. Not this one, at some surprise. I may have to take her seriously, treat her a bit... different. Letting her in rather than holding her purely in place. If only as I would grown female kin.
Relationships are... like music. The depth, pitch, tone, and all else need to fit. One who believes they are good at such, or just enjoys rightly, learns which to play for whom, and when. As the relationship or person changes, so must the music. Will probably never see her again as advised here many times and in many ways. Still, if so, she will be treated as a solid adult, female adult so with certain extra levels of civility, of course. Given and expected, both ways, in right civility.
I did see a bit of rolling of eyes, some doubts, and a few rejections. Some of it was fair. Treating a young lady as a child and... fair. Some of it? While I keep things simple in some company, even with my native dark origins, nature, my faith and some simplicity to it shouldn't be doubted. My stories aren't fabrications either. Sleep has been inducing my native if sometimes lost uncanny healing, removing even scars. Of course, when reaching that first step as an adult we all think, at once, we know truth in certainty. It is both good and sad to see that stage.
Beware. Blind hubris, certainty, will truly lead you to the assuance that you can't know. Even love, in your time, will prove to be well over your head, more so if true and right.
.
Not that it matters. Only that when a supposition is proven wrong, or perhaps in this case changes, some smaller or larger... enjoyment might be entertained. The cage for a chaste, in soothe, muse seems to have grown too small, or weak, to contain. A bit surprised. Most who make that leap lack the strength to expose their new station, merely playing along, for old times or other sake. Not this one, at some surprise. I may have to take her seriously, treat her a bit... different. Letting her in rather than holding her purely in place. If only as I would grown female kin.
Relationships are... like music. The depth, pitch, tone, and all else need to fit. One who believes they are good at such, or just enjoys rightly, learns which to play for whom, and when. As the relationship or person changes, so must the music. Will probably never see her again as advised here many times and in many ways. Still, if so, she will be treated as a solid adult, female adult so with certain extra levels of civility, of course. Given and expected, both ways, in right civility.
I did see a bit of rolling of eyes, some doubts, and a few rejections. Some of it was fair. Treating a young lady as a child and... fair. Some of it? While I keep things simple in some company, even with my native dark origins, nature, my faith and some simplicity to it shouldn't be doubted. My stories aren't fabrications either. Sleep has been inducing my native if sometimes lost uncanny healing, removing even scars. Of course, when reaching that first step as an adult we all think, at once, we know truth in certainty. It is both good and sad to see that stage.
Beware. Blind hubris, certainty, will truly lead you to the assuance that you can't know. Even love, in your time, will prove to be well over your head, more so if true and right.
Thursday, November 2, 2017
Mixed.
.
.
After the nap I realized heat was needed. I don't think that would have excluded the nap. I think it salvaged some of the day. Laundry, two loads through, the last in the dryer. Won't wait for it, will check to make sure it is drying. Not sure why,but it seems to conk out occasionally, or not start when I tap the button. Then I mussed with dishes. A couple cycles and that portion is dried and put up.
I called my mother too. Just because. Al good, mostly. A smattering of snow out there. Not much, yet.
Why not paperwork and bills? They would just sit if I couldn't get out. No shower and I would be stuck. So, it had to be this way. Those are next, including getting those were they need to be. Should happen next wake cycle. I had hoped to shower this time. It just didn't fit. A bit of shopping though. Always a few items at the first of the month, light though, until my income is sorted.
Good night and morning.
.
After the nap I realized heat was needed. I don't think that would have excluded the nap. I think it salvaged some of the day. Laundry, two loads through, the last in the dryer. Won't wait for it, will check to make sure it is drying. Not sure why,but it seems to conk out occasionally, or not start when I tap the button. Then I mussed with dishes. A couple cycles and that portion is dried and put up.
I called my mother too. Just because. Al good, mostly. A smattering of snow out there. Not much, yet.
Why not paperwork and bills? They would just sit if I couldn't get out. No shower and I would be stuck. So, it had to be this way. Those are next, including getting those were they need to be. Should happen next wake cycle. I had hoped to shower this time. It just didn't fit. A bit of shopping though. Always a few items at the first of the month, light though, until my income is sorted.
Good night and morning.
Wednesday, November 1, 2017
Well?
.
.
Nothing. I am gaming more. To some that is a bad thing. To those who have experienced catatonia it is fantastic. To escape the black hole of pure thought, or the even less of the blankness only Zen might rightly describe, is very good. Sleep occurs as it does, as it must. I don't, can't, arrange, resist, choose when to sleep or wake. It is erratic but seems to have found a pattern that has somewhat stabilized.
While I don't attempt to control sleep, having been burned a few too many times recently, I make every effort to find ways to work. The chances are slim, success is rare, the price can be high. I hate having to crash before finishing a whole project, or even a leg of it. Laundry, as an example, can be spooky. Have you ever forgotten laundry in the wash? Nasty, fast. If I can't be sure to get it into the dryer, I will hold off. Hmm, actually I think I can... just the bedding from last week and a few towels. Plus, if that doesn't get folded right away it's not an issue. Wrinkled clothes, to me, are not cool(to within my capacity). Sheets can be wrinkled... actually sheets are wrinkled even when I carefully fold them (fitted)! Still, alone and mostly dead means being a beggar of sorts... beggars can't be choosy, not always. The rules.
The main problems are focus and memory. Until I acclimate to the dark and cool, that just won't change. And small amounts of work exhaust quickly while recovery takes longer. I need to prioritize much more precisely, if the aforementioned difficulties complicate that plan. Still have to try. May need a nap already. Oh, a spat of bloody noses reminded me of medicine. I reset the dispenser yesterday, starting that back up. I do try. I actually believe in this medicine for the first time in my life. Mostly. It might not be perfect, or as much as might be best, but it is helpful and as much as I can do. I'll take it when it is within my ability.
Yeah. Laundry after the nap, then paperwork and a bill.
.
Nothing. I am gaming more. To some that is a bad thing. To those who have experienced catatonia it is fantastic. To escape the black hole of pure thought, or the even less of the blankness only Zen might rightly describe, is very good. Sleep occurs as it does, as it must. I don't, can't, arrange, resist, choose when to sleep or wake. It is erratic but seems to have found a pattern that has somewhat stabilized.
While I don't attempt to control sleep, having been burned a few too many times recently, I make every effort to find ways to work. The chances are slim, success is rare, the price can be high. I hate having to crash before finishing a whole project, or even a leg of it. Laundry, as an example, can be spooky. Have you ever forgotten laundry in the wash? Nasty, fast. If I can't be sure to get it into the dryer, I will hold off. Hmm, actually I think I can... just the bedding from last week and a few towels. Plus, if that doesn't get folded right away it's not an issue. Wrinkled clothes, to me, are not cool(to within my capacity). Sheets can be wrinkled... actually sheets are wrinkled even when I carefully fold them (fitted)! Still, alone and mostly dead means being a beggar of sorts... beggars can't be choosy, not always. The rules.
The main problems are focus and memory. Until I acclimate to the dark and cool, that just won't change. And small amounts of work exhaust quickly while recovery takes longer. I need to prioritize much more precisely, if the aforementioned difficulties complicate that plan. Still have to try. May need a nap already. Oh, a spat of bloody noses reminded me of medicine. I reset the dispenser yesterday, starting that back up. I do try. I actually believe in this medicine for the first time in my life. Mostly. It might not be perfect, or as much as might be best, but it is helpful and as much as I can do. I'll take it when it is within my ability.
Yeah. Laundry after the nap, then paperwork and a bill.
Tuesday, October 31, 2017
Another rough go.
.
.
Yesterday, last night, this morning, third shift/watch? Call it what you will, for as long as is what it was, it was difficult, harsh. Neither could I sleep nor truly wake, work well, or even game. I had a list of things to do as well as a few projects not in the ledger. Buying candy, for example.
Halloween snuck up on me. I hate missing out on that. Far from a grump, I enjoy giving treats out, seeing rugrats doing something different, and just enjoying the show. They, in good or hard times, are our future. Paying some small tribute, as well, seems... wise. Not this tear. I don't dare keep candy in stock. I'll keep at it. Failure isn't an option, it is a guaranteed result unless you quit trying. Just not every time in every way.
Still rough, though it might be improving. I was able to force washing the dishes and setting them back up twice, finishing two bean dish types and finally storing them, barely. I hate going through all that work, not putting the food away, then having to toss. Sometimes I honestly have no choice. It galls, remembering such while my insides feel to be self-cannibalizing from lack of food.
I do hope to do the paperwork and finish dishes tonight. If a few other tasks are finished, all good. A shower is planned too. I don't want to overdo, which might not take much as things are. I need to get out soon. Ugh. Things are nearing a completion level which might allow longer states of sleep without the horror of knowing major problems remain. Rest and healing. I need to heal in the dark and cold. Perhaps it has been too long. Time will tell, though just from what I have had my arms have healed amazingly. Having cats, with untrimmed claws, means occasional nicks. With healing being off and slow, some had turned to scars. With the sleep my arms, save very fresh marks have healed. Even most of the scars are gone with the few remaining greatly diminished. Nice to know that uncanny healing, to a degree, remains.
Hmm, now for a meal. Later.
.
Yesterday, last night, this morning, third shift/watch? Call it what you will, for as long as is what it was, it was difficult, harsh. Neither could I sleep nor truly wake, work well, or even game. I had a list of things to do as well as a few projects not in the ledger. Buying candy, for example.
Halloween snuck up on me. I hate missing out on that. Far from a grump, I enjoy giving treats out, seeing rugrats doing something different, and just enjoying the show. They, in good or hard times, are our future. Paying some small tribute, as well, seems... wise. Not this tear. I don't dare keep candy in stock. I'll keep at it. Failure isn't an option, it is a guaranteed result unless you quit trying. Just not every time in every way.
Still rough, though it might be improving. I was able to force washing the dishes and setting them back up twice, finishing two bean dish types and finally storing them, barely. I hate going through all that work, not putting the food away, then having to toss. Sometimes I honestly have no choice. It galls, remembering such while my insides feel to be self-cannibalizing from lack of food.
I do hope to do the paperwork and finish dishes tonight. If a few other tasks are finished, all good. A shower is planned too. I don't want to overdo, which might not take much as things are. I need to get out soon. Ugh. Things are nearing a completion level which might allow longer states of sleep without the horror of knowing major problems remain. Rest and healing. I need to heal in the dark and cold. Perhaps it has been too long. Time will tell, though just from what I have had my arms have healed amazingly. Having cats, with untrimmed claws, means occasional nicks. With healing being off and slow, some had turned to scars. With the sleep my arms, save very fresh marks have healed. Even most of the scars are gone with the few remaining greatly diminished. Nice to know that uncanny healing, to a degree, remains.
Hmm, now for a meal. Later.
Monday, October 30, 2017
So close.
.
.
Much done. While I didn't get the beans put up, they weren't quite done when I had to sleep, I turned off the heat, put on a heavy lid, and woke to perfect beans, still fresh. A few times ago at the grocery store I found diced ham, marketed as pizza topping. In eight ounce packages, selling at pound prices. No bone, prediced, worth a shot. I had two packets of that thawing while I slept.
Not sure if two is too much yet, since I use beans that way, with burger for burritos, and maybe in chili. What I can say is that, to me, it is well worth the coin. Heck yeah I like it all butcher or otherwise fresh, then homecooked and processed. As any actual right homemaker will tell you, that simply isn't possible. It isn't just for time, effort. We all have certain chores... Working a blade through cold meat, after cooking, cooling, deboning, for some of us, can end up being a showstopper. Okay, I am finally getting that. Can do sometimes for some things, but on this dish I beg the onus be lifted. Delicous, add in cheese and fresh diced onion, tops. Sour cream, whole cream, creme fraiche, or such, and a spice or herb such as fresh chive? Don't force, just if you happen to have a dab, dot, or dash. Make do and more, God is a gifting Host.
Sleep was great. Pushing four hours through eyes hurting to near tears, the work, the satisfaction, or some combination brought deep good sleep. I worried, as I was crashing, if it would get hot and torment my slumbering mind. A shriek of worry as I was swallowed by the dark vortex, far from any means of doing a thing about it. A shrug, to let the worry go, right before Zen was accomplished. It worked out. If it got too hot I didn't notice.
.
Much done. While I didn't get the beans put up, they weren't quite done when I had to sleep, I turned off the heat, put on a heavy lid, and woke to perfect beans, still fresh. A few times ago at the grocery store I found diced ham, marketed as pizza topping. In eight ounce packages, selling at pound prices. No bone, prediced, worth a shot. I had two packets of that thawing while I slept.
Not sure if two is too much yet, since I use beans that way, with burger for burritos, and maybe in chili. What I can say is that, to me, it is well worth the coin. Heck yeah I like it all butcher or otherwise fresh, then homecooked and processed. As any actual right homemaker will tell you, that simply isn't possible. It isn't just for time, effort. We all have certain chores... Working a blade through cold meat, after cooking, cooling, deboning, for some of us, can end up being a showstopper. Okay, I am finally getting that. Can do sometimes for some things, but on this dish I beg the onus be lifted. Delicous, add in cheese and fresh diced onion, tops. Sour cream, whole cream, creme fraiche, or such, and a spice or herb such as fresh chive? Don't force, just if you happen to have a dab, dot, or dash. Make do and more, God is a gifting Host.
Sleep was great. Pushing four hours through eyes hurting to near tears, the work, the satisfaction, or some combination brought deep good sleep. I worried, as I was crashing, if it would get hot and torment my slumbering mind. A shriek of worry as I was swallowed by the dark vortex, far from any means of doing a thing about it. A shrug, to let the worry go, right before Zen was accomplished. It worked out. If it got too hot I didn't notice.
Chipping the list.
.
.
Not always what was planned. A new set of dishes given a first shot and new soak. They weren't terribly dirty but they were greasy, popcorn bowls and the like. I hate that sort, but I can't beat the foods and treats. Fats, salt, sugar, or some mix or it is just food. Just food is fine mostly, not always. The trash and recycling was gathered and taken out, only the trash was rolled to the curb, not enough recycling to bother with. I set beans to soak. Every time I realized they needed drained, refilled, then set to cook, I'd go looking for the collander, fail, and forget what I was about then go do something else. I finally realized I really either had to get to it or toss the beans. While I'd rather be in bed... yeah. Three to four hours of cooking, cooling enough to store, then putting them up before sleep. Who knows, maybe I'll rip into the dishes a time or two more.
I also set up a new old game. Another shot at Fallout 4. I had to find and reinstall the dlc for some reason. I also purchased the last two dlc packages as the game suggested that was necessary to install mods. No matter, Bethesda.net has been impossible to log into. I can't get in through the game or via the ps4 browser. Did they yank ps4 mods? Are they server bankrupt, maybe on the weekends? I sent queries, tried other methods to get through, nothing, not even a canned response, nothing. I'll keep trying if I just play without for now. It stinks that I waited so long even after mods finally came through, and still, really, nothing. *sigh*
I attempted to call my mother. No answer. I did leave a message for once. Later or good night.
.
Not always what was planned. A new set of dishes given a first shot and new soak. They weren't terribly dirty but they were greasy, popcorn bowls and the like. I hate that sort, but I can't beat the foods and treats. Fats, salt, sugar, or some mix or it is just food. Just food is fine mostly, not always. The trash and recycling was gathered and taken out, only the trash was rolled to the curb, not enough recycling to bother with. I set beans to soak. Every time I realized they needed drained, refilled, then set to cook, I'd go looking for the collander, fail, and forget what I was about then go do something else. I finally realized I really either had to get to it or toss the beans. While I'd rather be in bed... yeah. Three to four hours of cooking, cooling enough to store, then putting them up before sleep. Who knows, maybe I'll rip into the dishes a time or two more.
I also set up a new old game. Another shot at Fallout 4. I had to find and reinstall the dlc for some reason. I also purchased the last two dlc packages as the game suggested that was necessary to install mods. No matter, Bethesda.net has been impossible to log into. I can't get in through the game or via the ps4 browser. Did they yank ps4 mods? Are they server bankrupt, maybe on the weekends? I sent queries, tried other methods to get through, nothing, not even a canned response, nothing. I'll keep trying if I just play without for now. It stinks that I waited so long even after mods finally came through, and still, really, nothing. *sigh*
I attempted to call my mother. No answer. I did leave a message for once. Later or good night.
Sunday, October 29, 2017
Very rough.
.
.
The last three sleep cycles, just today, have been harsh. Waking to pain, bumping pain while sleeping, and seemingly unable to find a comfortable position in which to sleep. Waking for the third time today I may have found the problem. It is rather warm. That messes with my hibernation sequence. I'll bet bears wake grumpy if the temps are too high early on. Bios aren't fast start devices, not meant to be.
I will keep an eye on it. I sleep best, always, at 64 and cooler, leaving my room open in the winter. Not sure how cold it gets, though below freezing outside the covers is common. The only downside is the chill if getting up for any reason. Under the covers I produce enough heat for two. Women still don't like it because of the eventual requirement for a chill. I may use the ac if it gets too warm. The fan isn't enough.
Oh, dreams. Have you ever raced a woman to get undressed? I have. I had almost forgotten. Urhm, more than once. My what wonderful fun. Sometimes helping her, tripping, high art vaudevillian slapstick. Sex is good, great if you arrange it and for it. But everything else around it is what I remember most. Gosh, what memories. Enough to convince a man to fall in love again... not just the sex, but don't exclude that. The smiles, laughter, shared and mutually satisfied hungers, play, and moments of weight. The dreams were all good that way, if the bittersweet hits as I write. Some things can't be uncoupled. Just remember to enjoy the events, smile, laugh, tease and more. You'll get much more mileage.
I have a bit of good news on the food end of things. Problem is loose lips sink ships. Lets just say an old want has been satisfied. I am truly not a foodie, merely a classic consumer, some suggest from before my time. I'll leave the reasonableness of the various sides of that notion for others to discuss. I know nothing if I am very suspicious. Debate even that as you will. Or chill with a glass of milk and a grin for all I care. I am.
Yeah, painpills. Sleeping in heat is terrible. At least I probably figured it out. Just wasn't expecting it to get this warm again. Later.
.
The last three sleep cycles, just today, have been harsh. Waking to pain, bumping pain while sleeping, and seemingly unable to find a comfortable position in which to sleep. Waking for the third time today I may have found the problem. It is rather warm. That messes with my hibernation sequence. I'll bet bears wake grumpy if the temps are too high early on. Bios aren't fast start devices, not meant to be.
I will keep an eye on it. I sleep best, always, at 64 and cooler, leaving my room open in the winter. Not sure how cold it gets, though below freezing outside the covers is common. The only downside is the chill if getting up for any reason. Under the covers I produce enough heat for two. Women still don't like it because of the eventual requirement for a chill. I may use the ac if it gets too warm. The fan isn't enough.
Oh, dreams. Have you ever raced a woman to get undressed? I have. I had almost forgotten. Urhm, more than once. My what wonderful fun. Sometimes helping her, tripping, high art vaudevillian slapstick. Sex is good, great if you arrange it and for it. But everything else around it is what I remember most. Gosh, what memories. Enough to convince a man to fall in love again... not just the sex, but don't exclude that. The smiles, laughter, shared and mutually satisfied hungers, play, and moments of weight. The dreams were all good that way, if the bittersweet hits as I write. Some things can't be uncoupled. Just remember to enjoy the events, smile, laugh, tease and more. You'll get much more mileage.
I have a bit of good news on the food end of things. Problem is loose lips sink ships. Lets just say an old want has been satisfied. I am truly not a foodie, merely a classic consumer, some suggest from before my time. I'll leave the reasonableness of the various sides of that notion for others to discuss. I know nothing if I am very suspicious. Debate even that as you will. Or chill with a glass of milk and a grin for all I care. I am.
Yeah, painpills. Sleeping in heat is terrible. At least I probably figured it out. Just wasn't expecting it to get this warm again. Later.
Saturday, October 28, 2017
Dishes and more.
.
.
Love it when a bit more gets done. Dishes, a final wash, rinse, drying, and putting away. The plants were looking a bit sad, so into the shower. A nice slightly warm shower, then I'll leave them curtained in for an overnight sauna. They always love that. Cat litter was tended if I keep up on that well enough, if it still smells wrong too often anyway. Finally, I changed the bedding. I will be setting my linen closet up in the shorter run. I have three quilts, a dozen various blankets, and three winter sheet sets. I am going for weekly sheet changes, perhaps every other week, and monthly to quarterly 'other' change-outs. Oh, yeah, quite nice.
I am back in the market for pillows. One clue? Don't go cheap. Some of that is dangerous even for an adult. Though I don't think down or feather is the way either, not just for cost, but I have spent small fortunes and not found comfort. Still looking, seems to be hit or miss, but better overall odds somewhere closer to a lower middle. Then again, when you have a big form the world simply doesn't fit. A humbling thing for those born with extra built in features resistant to how God would have it? I take it that way. Gladly since that is my intended direction. And it could be worse. Actually I have it too good. I just can't do much about it, not without a correct crutch.
Hmm? Right. That is it for work. Tonight... or this wake cycle. Early morning can also be considered late night, is that not so? I do have the trash consolidation plan mapped. The checkbook is ready. The paperwork is located. A shave, with the trimmer might be done yet so another shower and wet double edge shave will happen more easily tomorrow. Restarted? I... never know. So tired lately, even awake, I can't always remember what I wrote while I am writing it. I... think I meant it. If I offend? Wait until I am better, able to fully wake. Oh, right. To thank me. *rictus grin*
Good night. Again? Off my damn porch!
.
Love it when a bit more gets done. Dishes, a final wash, rinse, drying, and putting away. The plants were looking a bit sad, so into the shower. A nice slightly warm shower, then I'll leave them curtained in for an overnight sauna. They always love that. Cat litter was tended if I keep up on that well enough, if it still smells wrong too often anyway. Finally, I changed the bedding. I will be setting my linen closet up in the shorter run. I have three quilts, a dozen various blankets, and three winter sheet sets. I am going for weekly sheet changes, perhaps every other week, and monthly to quarterly 'other' change-outs. Oh, yeah, quite nice.
I am back in the market for pillows. One clue? Don't go cheap. Some of that is dangerous even for an adult. Though I don't think down or feather is the way either, not just for cost, but I have spent small fortunes and not found comfort. Still looking, seems to be hit or miss, but better overall odds somewhere closer to a lower middle. Then again, when you have a big form the world simply doesn't fit. A humbling thing for those born with extra built in features resistant to how God would have it? I take it that way. Gladly since that is my intended direction. And it could be worse. Actually I have it too good. I just can't do much about it, not without a correct crutch.
Hmm? Right. That is it for work. Tonight... or this wake cycle. Early morning can also be considered late night, is that not so? I do have the trash consolidation plan mapped. The checkbook is ready. The paperwork is located. A shave, with the trimmer might be done yet so another shower and wet double edge shave will happen more easily tomorrow. Restarted? I... never know. So tired lately, even awake, I can't always remember what I wrote while I am writing it. I... think I meant it. If I offend? Wait until I am better, able to fully wake. Oh, right. To thank me. *rictus grin*
Good night. Again? Off my damn porch!
Awake.
.
.
Slow. Woke a bit ago. Split about whether to go back to sleep or figure out how to get busy. I believe I will give the dishes a final wash shortly either way. If I can keep going, I'll change bedding, get the trash and recycling ready, the consider paperwork and the bill. That may all get split into two parts, or not.
I have actually been off enough I haven't been able to game. Not enough focus. It's becoming more difficult to wake and stay awake. Yeah, dishes then back to bed... saw my shadow. Later.
.
Slow. Woke a bit ago. Split about whether to go back to sleep or figure out how to get busy. I believe I will give the dishes a final wash shortly either way. If I can keep going, I'll change bedding, get the trash and recycling ready, the consider paperwork and the bill. That may all get split into two parts, or not.
I have actually been off enough I haven't been able to game. Not enough focus. It's becoming more difficult to wake and stay awake. Yeah, dishes then back to bed... saw my shadow. Later.
How nice.
.
.
Dishes. One wash, then set aside so a shower could happen. Almost forgot. No shave but the shower was greatly enjoyed. When I say 'we', sometimes that is even more literal, even when not. You have to go guru to fully understand. Not saying I am good as gurus go, or some hermits, merely that I can be every bit as divested of fleshly concerns. In an half hour I will fill the dishes for another wash. I won't finish them, but this minor success should help with that. And another shower. No meal out, but I was able to kick something out. Hopefully, if I continue, a meal out is in the very near cards.
I even struck upon the starter fluid for another of my... hopefully thoughtful... myth posts. Not sure I can pull it together and off? It's in my craw so I will try to smoke it cold. See what I did there? That is a preview. Now get off my damn porch! Unless you have a pipe. :p
Good night. Or such.
.
Dishes. One wash, then set aside so a shower could happen. Almost forgot. No shave but the shower was greatly enjoyed. When I say 'we', sometimes that is even more literal, even when not. You have to go guru to fully understand. Not saying I am good as gurus go, or some hermits, merely that I can be every bit as divested of fleshly concerns. In an half hour I will fill the dishes for another wash. I won't finish them, but this minor success should help with that. And another shower. No meal out, but I was able to kick something out. Hopefully, if I continue, a meal out is in the very near cards.
I even struck upon the starter fluid for another of my... hopefully thoughtful... myth posts. Not sure I can pull it together and off? It's in my craw so I will try to smoke it cold. See what I did there? That is a preview. Now get off my damn porch! Unless you have a pipe. :p
Good night. Or such.
Friday, October 27, 2017
Incredible sleep.
.
.
Sometimes a few hours, usually a full eight, with twelve hours balancing the few hours to form a rough bell curve if charted as blind data points. While once in a great while I wake sore, I haven't needed painpills. The aches end quickly. This last time might be an exception. I hold off taking anything for as long as possible. I hate pills.
I haven't gotten to anything. I keep trying tricks, ploys, system standards and emergency configs, it just doesn't work. I will try higher heat, painpills, the promise of food, and just the satisfaction of success this time. I really don't have much else. If I can get a few things sorted I can just go to sleep as wanted, or needed. These times used to fix diabetes.
So much for the gum though. I think all of them are soy based. I'll use them up but not resupply. Research on this device is a pain. Still, for the moment it is what I have. One type will justbe tossed. It tastes like that aquatic smell common to medium to large rivers and lakes. Nasty. I tried four brands, most claimed no soy.
The goal is dishes, a shave and shower, and a meal. I am done with eggs. I have tried generic of several sorts, store brands, uncaged and on into organic brands. Either eggs have gone bad through feed, they are all selling really old (or very fresh?) eggs, or my system can no longer tolerate eggs. Something is wrong. It's the only food that is problematic so I am suspecting suppliers. It's been that way for a while. I am just, finally, surrendering to reality. Chinese feed? Too large of farms? What I simply can't say. I'll miss eggs, not the upset I get no matter the cost.
They really are turning America into China/Russia. Just surrender, get used to poisonous food, no rule of law, and a government that hates you, bringing foreigners in to replace you, even socially and religiously (or irreligiously). How many of you even get it. With the Flakes flaking out... Not sure if that will work, or for certain if that will end up better. Still it is a vector of change which has... potential. If Reagan had such a movement? Some say he did, I had my doubts even then.
Later.
.
Sometimes a few hours, usually a full eight, with twelve hours balancing the few hours to form a rough bell curve if charted as blind data points. While once in a great while I wake sore, I haven't needed painpills. The aches end quickly. This last time might be an exception. I hold off taking anything for as long as possible. I hate pills.
I haven't gotten to anything. I keep trying tricks, ploys, system standards and emergency configs, it just doesn't work. I will try higher heat, painpills, the promise of food, and just the satisfaction of success this time. I really don't have much else. If I can get a few things sorted I can just go to sleep as wanted, or needed. These times used to fix diabetes.
So much for the gum though. I think all of them are soy based. I'll use them up but not resupply. Research on this device is a pain. Still, for the moment it is what I have. One type will justbe tossed. It tastes like that aquatic smell common to medium to large rivers and lakes. Nasty. I tried four brands, most claimed no soy.
The goal is dishes, a shave and shower, and a meal. I am done with eggs. I have tried generic of several sorts, store brands, uncaged and on into organic brands. Either eggs have gone bad through feed, they are all selling really old (or very fresh?) eggs, or my system can no longer tolerate eggs. Something is wrong. It's the only food that is problematic so I am suspecting suppliers. It's been that way for a while. I am just, finally, surrendering to reality. Chinese feed? Too large of farms? What I simply can't say. I'll miss eggs, not the upset I get no matter the cost.
They really are turning America into China/Russia. Just surrender, get used to poisonous food, no rule of law, and a government that hates you, bringing foreigners in to replace you, even socially and religiously (or irreligiously). How many of you even get it. With the Flakes flaking out... Not sure if that will work, or for certain if that will end up better. Still it is a vector of change which has... potential. If Reagan had such a movement? Some say he did, I had my doubts even then.
Later.
Thursday, October 26, 2017
Such strange patterns.
.
.
A few vids. New to me, some of them. Wanted to ignore, some have too much drawing power. That, and in spite of being new to me, kept populating. Not in my viewed area, which makes there recurring pops even stranger. Did I make a right call about the wrong one? Or did my correct call wound, to her as if to slay?
.
A few vids. New to me, some of them. Wanted to ignore, some have too much drawing power. That, and in spite of being new to me, kept populating. Not in my viewed area, which makes there recurring pops even stranger. Did I make a right call about the wrong one? Or did my correct call wound, to her as if to slay?
Sore from sleeping.
.
.
Not much choice. The plan is still a go, bits of effort between crashes. A few things were set up but failed. I started again a bit ago. Dishes were set to a hot fresh soak. I am waiting for them to cool enough and for me to wake more fully. If I can get that done, a shower and good shave. I might use the trimmers shortly, first... makes a close razor shave much easier and better. I've turned the heat up a bit extra hoping that might help.
After that a shower and shave, turning the heat way down, letting my hair dry, then crashing again. The next chance, depending on the time, I'll hit either some paperwork and the bill or get in to town for some minor shopping. Not sure if I can work every wake period, but that is the goal, at the very least until I have the major priorities managed. Muscles and bones are a bit out. Anacin, by the handful, until I finish.
Dark dreams. Happily just of monsters. They sometimes mistake me for one of you. Have you ever seen the look of horror on a monster's face? If so, you are welcome, potentially. I really enjoy these sorts. Even so, from what I have learned from Father, best to just do what is good, leaving off the well of hunger far before drowning in it. Some hungers cannot be sated, will end in the living death, no matter the intent. Still, I can enjoy their terror when they see truly. *grins*
.
Not much choice. The plan is still a go, bits of effort between crashes. A few things were set up but failed. I started again a bit ago. Dishes were set to a hot fresh soak. I am waiting for them to cool enough and for me to wake more fully. If I can get that done, a shower and good shave. I might use the trimmers shortly, first... makes a close razor shave much easier and better. I've turned the heat up a bit extra hoping that might help.
After that a shower and shave, turning the heat way down, letting my hair dry, then crashing again. The next chance, depending on the time, I'll hit either some paperwork and the bill or get in to town for some minor shopping. Not sure if I can work every wake period, but that is the goal, at the very least until I have the major priorities managed. Muscles and bones are a bit out. Anacin, by the handful, until I finish.
Dark dreams. Happily just of monsters. They sometimes mistake me for one of you. Have you ever seen the look of horror on a monster's face? If so, you are welcome, potentially. I really enjoy these sorts. Even so, from what I have learned from Father, best to just do what is good, leaving off the well of hunger far before drowning in it. Some hungers cannot be sated, will end in the living death, no matter the intent. Still, I can enjoy their terror when they see truly. *grins*
Wednesday, October 25, 2017
It isn't perfect.
.
.
Sleeping so often has some drawbacks. It is, after several cycles, allowing me to nearly reach full wakefulness for some of the portion of the time I can remain awake. The advantage tops the problems for now. It is sort of like my waking moments are split into a bell curve, or graph of a thrown object. Sometimes true full wakefulness is skewed closer to one edge or the other, if it averages well enough to the central third if I don't push or pull. I haven't been able to employ that, but it took a bit for me to adjust and begin planning on the fly.
Dishes, a shower, paperwork and a bill, maybe some shopping and research. Not even close to a single waking event. It might take a week to get all of that, though success can feed on itself. I can't rightly say. I am hoping a few days. The opposite of a success loop might occur too, based on exhaustion. Tick. Tock.
A dream. In it I finally meet her. No dating, in one sense. Proximity, helping each other out, talking. In time both of us seem right about it so I ask. She accepts. Stressful, even in a dream. I felt like I was drowning from time to time, from after asking until even after the marriage. It stirred my reflexes less and less over time. It was better than not, she being a good patient woman.
I realized she wasn't quite ready for a whole home. And lovely as she was, I wasn't ready for 24/7 facetime. Women... always with fear, thinking, wondering, doubts, and moods. Sure, me, right? I am weaksauce by comparison. No, a promise is a promise, by law and spirit. But solutions are possible.
.
Sleeping so often has some drawbacks. It is, after several cycles, allowing me to nearly reach full wakefulness for some of the portion of the time I can remain awake. The advantage tops the problems for now. It is sort of like my waking moments are split into a bell curve, or graph of a thrown object. Sometimes true full wakefulness is skewed closer to one edge or the other, if it averages well enough to the central third if I don't push or pull. I haven't been able to employ that, but it took a bit for me to adjust and begin planning on the fly.
Dishes, a shower, paperwork and a bill, maybe some shopping and research. Not even close to a single waking event. It might take a week to get all of that, though success can feed on itself. I can't rightly say. I am hoping a few days. The opposite of a success loop might occur too, based on exhaustion. Tick. Tock.
A dream. In it I finally meet her. No dating, in one sense. Proximity, helping each other out, talking. In time both of us seem right about it so I ask. She accepts. Stressful, even in a dream. I felt like I was drowning from time to time, from after asking until even after the marriage. It stirred my reflexes less and less over time. It was better than not, she being a good patient woman.
I realized she wasn't quite ready for a whole home. And lovely as she was, I wasn't ready for 24/7 facetime. Women... always with fear, thinking, wondering, doubts, and moods. Sure, me, right? I am weaksauce by comparison. No, a promise is a promise, by law and spirit. But solutions are possible.
Tuesday, October 24, 2017
Sleep, lots of it.
.
.
Not shying away from it. If my body seems to want or need sleep, as soon as I realize it, I let it happen. I have had three full sleep cycles with four to six hours of rather poor wake time between. I can't seem to reach a full waking state before beginning the return to sleep. I have tried a few tricks, they aren't working. I am about to go for a fourth in less than two days.
I have some needs, charcoal and garlic bulbs. While I am not a general user of "organics", there are times when they might come in handy. In this, to start growing my own. California "non-organic" garlic might do as well. If I can find both I will compare. I found the problem with most 'fresh' garlic, often "organic" too. It is from China. Bleached, chemically treated so as not to sprout, raised in raw sewage, often including human feces, and stored for extended periods to boot. It does taste weaker. The government is either weaponizing the food industry against us, corrupted, more, or all of the above. While I don't abide "organic" (even if there was something to it (there isn't), when it goes corporate, often Chinese, any good is buried in human feces, high prices, and other lies), very limited specific short term uses are in order.
What for? Not for eating, save potentially short term, but back to one small new food production operation. Something, hopefully, along with figuring out horseradish and jer. artichokes, to get me off my butt. I'm praying, along with a few other things needing done, that I can get to it. Yeah, we'll see. Here is a vid, if you think fresh homegrown garlic might be worth some small investment in off your butt juice, aka elbow grease, with twice the odor! :P
.
Not shying away from it. If my body seems to want or need sleep, as soon as I realize it, I let it happen. I have had three full sleep cycles with four to six hours of rather poor wake time between. I can't seem to reach a full waking state before beginning the return to sleep. I have tried a few tricks, they aren't working. I am about to go for a fourth in less than two days.
I have some needs, charcoal and garlic bulbs. While I am not a general user of "organics", there are times when they might come in handy. In this, to start growing my own. California "non-organic" garlic might do as well. If I can find both I will compare. I found the problem with most 'fresh' garlic, often "organic" too. It is from China. Bleached, chemically treated so as not to sprout, raised in raw sewage, often including human feces, and stored for extended periods to boot. It does taste weaker. The government is either weaponizing the food industry against us, corrupted, more, or all of the above. While I don't abide "organic" (even if there was something to it (there isn't), when it goes corporate, often Chinese, any good is buried in human feces, high prices, and other lies), very limited specific short term uses are in order.
What for? Not for eating, save potentially short term, but back to one small new food production operation. Something, hopefully, along with figuring out horseradish and jer. artichokes, to get me off my butt. I'm praying, along with a few other things needing done, that I can get to it. Yeah, we'll see. Here is a vid, if you think fresh homegrown garlic might be worth some small investment in off your butt juice, aka elbow grease, with twice the odor! :P
Monday, October 23, 2017
Sleep called.
.
.
I Couldn't resist. Up a few hours, six? I am not sure. The need never hit. It was more like never waking. Dragging my feet, hoping to wake, gain traction into the day, was all that kept me awake that long. I have slept nearly a full extra sleep cycle. If my senses are correct, I may end up back in bed shortly. Fighting it has a time and place. When it is this strong, as with a riptide, there isn't positive choice.
No worries, a bit of this, adjustments as possible, and sometimes I can do really well. How long I'll crash varies greatly year to year based upon unknown factors. If, probably when, it gets bad enough, without a woman to help track, I can get a bit lost in it. Worse, lately, at the beginning and exhausting end of the dark and cold. There have been nearly whole winters lost, though long ago. I have been considering attempting something close to a regulated hibernation for the future, to save on things. Not sure, possible, this year or next, or not. I wish the extra sleep felt good. It just doesn't. The more I sleep the more tired I feel. I don't have a choice.
Sam was out today. Letting her in she seemed upset. I didn't check that time. The next time she seemed really out of sorts. I did look that time. The horses were closer? After a few oddities, I am all but sure it is the horses. I went out, even approached them to show her that they are safe. Got to admit, they have serious attitude. Not exactly perfectly hostile, simply rigidly exclusive, not interested in interaction, and they seem to be willful. Not sure, without the electric fence, how far they would push it. Yeah, I get it. Maybe I am no longer used to horses, but I think these two have paired to the exclusion of human or other animal interaction. Not friendly. Hopefully not too ornery. I hope the owners get along with them better.
Hmm... Not much else. Just, for now, to find a way to remain awake, for a while anyway. Later?
.
I Couldn't resist. Up a few hours, six? I am not sure. The need never hit. It was more like never waking. Dragging my feet, hoping to wake, gain traction into the day, was all that kept me awake that long. I have slept nearly a full extra sleep cycle. If my senses are correct, I may end up back in bed shortly. Fighting it has a time and place. When it is this strong, as with a riptide, there isn't positive choice.
No worries, a bit of this, adjustments as possible, and sometimes I can do really well. How long I'll crash varies greatly year to year based upon unknown factors. If, probably when, it gets bad enough, without a woman to help track, I can get a bit lost in it. Worse, lately, at the beginning and exhausting end of the dark and cold. There have been nearly whole winters lost, though long ago. I have been considering attempting something close to a regulated hibernation for the future, to save on things. Not sure, possible, this year or next, or not. I wish the extra sleep felt good. It just doesn't. The more I sleep the more tired I feel. I don't have a choice.
Sam was out today. Letting her in she seemed upset. I didn't check that time. The next time she seemed really out of sorts. I did look that time. The horses were closer? After a few oddities, I am all but sure it is the horses. I went out, even approached them to show her that they are safe. Got to admit, they have serious attitude. Not exactly perfectly hostile, simply rigidly exclusive, not interested in interaction, and they seem to be willful. Not sure, without the electric fence, how far they would push it. Yeah, I get it. Maybe I am no longer used to horses, but I think these two have paired to the exclusion of human or other animal interaction. Not friendly. Hopefully not too ornery. I hope the owners get along with them better.
Hmm... Not much else. Just, for now, to find a way to remain awake, for a while anyway. Later?
Slight fall/winter depression sets in.
.
.
A typical occasional human feature. As fall gets deeper or more darker, my days begin slipping due to it becoming darker and cooler, then activies reduce from those things. It happens most years, the reduction in function and the blues. The best way through is to get a grip as soon as possible, with efforts aimed at a stable level of function and as stable a sleep and wake cycle as possible. Attitude, a good one, a humble but resolute and flexible one, is required. If I can't do this now, do that, or what can be done. If sleep is tumbling, beginning to eat the stretch of daylight hours, starve or over-feed it. If you fail, again, repeatedly, keep at it. If that fails to the point of exhaustion? Take a break.
Normal, a bit more potent for those of us hardest hit by change. My weakness to change and willingness to bend rather than fracture (finally, after decades of other) has, if not improved my fragility, improved my tolerance to failure I can no longer simply alter. I've learned my limits and how best to manage. Plus, mostly, how to get back to a good attitude as quickly as possible, as the first step. The blues will happen, be dispelled, return, on through the dark. A bit of a game. I'm heading down. Buckle up, look for possitives, aim at daylight, keep up on food, or when too much for else, just hold on. It's a mild dose at the moment. I will fight it.
Later.
.
A typical occasional human feature. As fall gets deeper or more darker, my days begin slipping due to it becoming darker and cooler, then activies reduce from those things. It happens most years, the reduction in function and the blues. The best way through is to get a grip as soon as possible, with efforts aimed at a stable level of function and as stable a sleep and wake cycle as possible. Attitude, a good one, a humble but resolute and flexible one, is required. If I can't do this now, do that, or what can be done. If sleep is tumbling, beginning to eat the stretch of daylight hours, starve or over-feed it. If you fail, again, repeatedly, keep at it. If that fails to the point of exhaustion? Take a break.
Normal, a bit more potent for those of us hardest hit by change. My weakness to change and willingness to bend rather than fracture (finally, after decades of other) has, if not improved my fragility, improved my tolerance to failure I can no longer simply alter. I've learned my limits and how best to manage. Plus, mostly, how to get back to a good attitude as quickly as possible, as the first step. The blues will happen, be dispelled, return, on through the dark. A bit of a game. I'm heading down. Buckle up, look for possitives, aim at daylight, keep up on food, or when too much for else, just hold on. It's a mild dose at the moment. I will fight it.
Later.
Sunday, October 22, 2017
As the world turns.
.
.
The more it stays the same. Notions. He will do what must be done with but word. He will do far more than I. What I do will be done by you. For good or ill, in action or defense, perhaps then on to offense with His grace. As above so below, as before so again, but I repeat myself. It was once claimed that the future isn't what it used to be. I promise, alpha and omega, that it is.
.
The more it stays the same. Notions. He will do what must be done with but word. He will do far more than I. What I do will be done by you. For good or ill, in action or defense, perhaps then on to offense with His grace. As above so below, as before so again, but I repeat myself. It was once claimed that the future isn't what it used to be. I promise, alpha and omega, that it is.
Saturday, October 21, 2017
Ah , good old terra firma.
.
.
If you choose to believe. I tell you it is all quite true then leave it there.
My feet and ankles are back to normal most of the time. Swelling is rare and mild. Measurably? Down from a 14 to a 13, though 13's are becoming sloppy. I may buy a pair of 12's this coming month. I had been up to 14's for a year or two. Returning to medicine, then attempting to keep it stable... a difficult trick for me, and yet... To keep at it.
Next, the part that is strange. Remember, not long ago, when I wrote about a bloody nose? It was in the title I think. Went on to write I had to hold the blood in my hurry to find stopper material? What I didn't write was that the blood burned my hand near to causing it to bleed. Not quite a burn of fire, perhaps more like a chemical erosion. Both palms, but the main one was raw and red until just today. Not sure what kind of blood chemistry could do that, at least without killing the bearer.
Lastly, to cooking. Grilling pork ribs (after this and that I am satisfied that they probably are indeed ribs(hush!)) and a bigger beef roast with tarragon this time. I have store-bought salsa. Not quite up to in-store made, which isn't as good as mom's, but it will easily do. I just forget options and dig in. Think of a three inch chunk of unsmoked bacon, grilled to near-bacon finish, then doused in spicey tomato tastiness. Already ate a portion and I still like it.
A bit tired from the last few days. Hoping to do the remaining dishes, finish socks of various sorts, perhaps a shower, maybe a few other odd small loads of laundry... though, most likely, only a few of those if that. Did sleep like a king last night, maybe a baby one. Making the bed this morning felt like returning a favor.
Later.
.
If you choose to believe. I tell you it is all quite true then leave it there.
My feet and ankles are back to normal most of the time. Swelling is rare and mild. Measurably? Down from a 14 to a 13, though 13's are becoming sloppy. I may buy a pair of 12's this coming month. I had been up to 14's for a year or two. Returning to medicine, then attempting to keep it stable... a difficult trick for me, and yet... To keep at it.
Next, the part that is strange. Remember, not long ago, when I wrote about a bloody nose? It was in the title I think. Went on to write I had to hold the blood in my hurry to find stopper material? What I didn't write was that the blood burned my hand near to causing it to bleed. Not quite a burn of fire, perhaps more like a chemical erosion. Both palms, but the main one was raw and red until just today. Not sure what kind of blood chemistry could do that, at least without killing the bearer.
Lastly, to cooking. Grilling pork ribs (after this and that I am satisfied that they probably are indeed ribs(hush!)) and a bigger beef roast with tarragon this time. I have store-bought salsa. Not quite up to in-store made, which isn't as good as mom's, but it will easily do. I just forget options and dig in. Think of a three inch chunk of unsmoked bacon, grilled to near-bacon finish, then doused in spicey tomato tastiness. Already ate a portion and I still like it.
A bit tired from the last few days. Hoping to do the remaining dishes, finish socks of various sorts, perhaps a shower, maybe a few other odd small loads of laundry... though, most likely, only a few of those if that. Did sleep like a king last night, maybe a baby one. Making the bed this morning felt like returning a favor.
Later.
Such dreams.
.
.
In the first dream I saw some of the hatred directed at me. Close, far, kin, kin of sorts, others. Some unexpected, some known. In a world which denies the simplest of truths, only hatred remains for those who don't just see, but profess, truth and will not recant it for a false form of love, money, or even to cover my own failings. Hatred from those who won't, can't, abide reality is... required. At least she wasn't with them this time. So be it. It stings, hurts, deeply. But I, as with my Lord, was born to suffer well. How to do it with grace? Look upon Him, up on the cross. Know He still suffers there until the last sinner is in heaven or has chosen hell. Then... sort of laugh at ones consternation as a mere papercut to the heart, and pray for them. Or, that is my solution set.
-------
The next dream was, almost frightening. I met a priest, or monk priest, running a home for troubled men. Homeless, often with serious problems which either caused there situation or arose from it. Initially my curiosity and his fervour for his mission led to an extended conversation.
Some big city, an old multi-story complex, at one time The place to stay. Mostly single rooms, all with their own facilities. Starting at $25 per month, on up to $700, greatly subsidized by the state and church in an attempt to rehab as many as possible, at least getting them off the streets and into structure. He didn't speak of himself much, though I could see lingering shadows. Had he been one of those men, there or elsewhere? I could see the shabby echo, almost feel the hunger for a needle or slug of something. The shabby could have been a learned measure from association, but the hunger could not be.
While I could see him, even that of him in shadow, he knew of me. What of what he was told, or read, that he believed he kept well hidden. Actually he attempted to play ignorant. A few well laid traps undid that ploy. Lead to a question without being given the answer while I fumbled for it, and he too often hit the answer. Funny thing? All those who fall to this... know better. Even the brightest fall for my tricks.
I simply cut to it. What do you want. A bit of fumbling, backpedalling, and then he asked if I would be interested in... employment. Pay? The pay is you pay your own rent and food, utilies included which means a solid ac, you do what you can, when you can, including security, and you get no money, gratuities, or else. So, no pay, literally, of any kind? Well, two meals a day, if you want. Where do I sign up! He wasn't sure, deadpan mockery or the other way.
But, seriously, and I laid out every flaw and health issue which causes some men, women, and doctors to blanch. As well I have two cats. Cats are not a problem, for live-in-staff. As to the rest? We don't offer sainthood, otherwise those are your issues. Need help with something we have people to speak with and medical access. He believed I was good enough.
I told him to begin charging me for the next space available, up to a certain amount, until I could figure out my house and the move. Increasing to $200 monthly max, until I could get there and figure more out. He suggested the move was something they could help with. Then some details, like bringing my own appliances was fine and other such. Oh, and finally, mass daily, with folk who would help get me to church on time.
I was left to contemplate the immediate and long-term tasks ahead, and the enormity of it all. Perhaps the end, in many ways, but an end I could live with.
-------
In the last one a voice pierced my mind. In through where a third eye would be. Sharp and fast as a small blade, such as a scalpel, though without intent to harm merely a rush to query. Why, in a strong yet shaken voice, do you write so as to give me doubts, about you, what you say, even who and what you are.
I could tell this was from one who considers himself not just a friend but an ally. Hurt, a bit of anger, yet an honest fair question.
.
In the first dream I saw some of the hatred directed at me. Close, far, kin, kin of sorts, others. Some unexpected, some known. In a world which denies the simplest of truths, only hatred remains for those who don't just see, but profess, truth and will not recant it for a false form of love, money, or even to cover my own failings. Hatred from those who won't, can't, abide reality is... required. At least she wasn't with them this time. So be it. It stings, hurts, deeply. But I, as with my Lord, was born to suffer well. How to do it with grace? Look upon Him, up on the cross. Know He still suffers there until the last sinner is in heaven or has chosen hell. Then... sort of laugh at ones consternation as a mere papercut to the heart, and pray for them. Or, that is my solution set.
-------
The next dream was, almost frightening. I met a priest, or monk priest, running a home for troubled men. Homeless, often with serious problems which either caused there situation or arose from it. Initially my curiosity and his fervour for his mission led to an extended conversation.
Some big city, an old multi-story complex, at one time The place to stay. Mostly single rooms, all with their own facilities. Starting at $25 per month, on up to $700, greatly subsidized by the state and church in an attempt to rehab as many as possible, at least getting them off the streets and into structure. He didn't speak of himself much, though I could see lingering shadows. Had he been one of those men, there or elsewhere? I could see the shabby echo, almost feel the hunger for a needle or slug of something. The shabby could have been a learned measure from association, but the hunger could not be.
While I could see him, even that of him in shadow, he knew of me. What of what he was told, or read, that he believed he kept well hidden. Actually he attempted to play ignorant. A few well laid traps undid that ploy. Lead to a question without being given the answer while I fumbled for it, and he too often hit the answer. Funny thing? All those who fall to this... know better. Even the brightest fall for my tricks.
I simply cut to it. What do you want. A bit of fumbling, backpedalling, and then he asked if I would be interested in... employment. Pay? The pay is you pay your own rent and food, utilies included which means a solid ac, you do what you can, when you can, including security, and you get no money, gratuities, or else. So, no pay, literally, of any kind? Well, two meals a day, if you want. Where do I sign up! He wasn't sure, deadpan mockery or the other way.
But, seriously, and I laid out every flaw and health issue which causes some men, women, and doctors to blanch. As well I have two cats. Cats are not a problem, for live-in-staff. As to the rest? We don't offer sainthood, otherwise those are your issues. Need help with something we have people to speak with and medical access. He believed I was good enough.
I told him to begin charging me for the next space available, up to a certain amount, until I could figure out my house and the move. Increasing to $200 monthly max, until I could get there and figure more out. He suggested the move was something they could help with. Then some details, like bringing my own appliances was fine and other such. Oh, and finally, mass daily, with folk who would help get me to church on time.
I was left to contemplate the immediate and long-term tasks ahead, and the enormity of it all. Perhaps the end, in many ways, but an end I could live with.
-------
In the last one a voice pierced my mind. In through where a third eye would be. Sharp and fast as a small blade, such as a scalpel, though without intent to harm merely a rush to query. Why, in a strong yet shaken voice, do you write so as to give me doubts, about you, what you say, even who and what you are.
I could tell this was from one who considers himself not just a friend but an ally. Hurt, a bit of anger, yet an honest fair question.
Friday, October 20, 2017
To town.
.
.
Groceries. A lot of them. A few veggies, several cheeses, a lot of meat. Pasta was on a very good sale. I bught twelve pounds, three types. That should last six months. I love it but it is a treat as if it was a donut, or six. Which, *cough*, never mind. Nothing fancy, it was just good to be out. Missed paying the bill, if I might figure even that out before Monday. I will have to write a bunch of checks while at it.
It's a pleasant fall, weatherwise. Sure helps make the prospect of winter seem less daunting. Though I already like winter so some claim foul. Hush, woman. ;p If I can keep up, I would like to hit some yardwork before the chance is gone. I hate waking just as opportunity is slipping, but with more vital things required first, and with such limited capacity as is. I'll try. Raking, putting up tools and hoses, and just looking around, a home captain's duty, and desire in my case. May not mean much but it does mean something.
.
Groceries. A lot of them. A few veggies, several cheeses, a lot of meat. Pasta was on a very good sale. I bught twelve pounds, three types. That should last six months. I love it but it is a treat as if it was a donut, or six. Which, *cough*, never mind. Nothing fancy, it was just good to be out. Missed paying the bill, if I might figure even that out before Monday. I will have to write a bunch of checks while at it.
It's a pleasant fall, weatherwise. Sure helps make the prospect of winter seem less daunting. Though I already like winter so some claim foul. Hush, woman. ;p If I can keep up, I would like to hit some yardwork before the chance is gone. I hate waking just as opportunity is slipping, but with more vital things required first, and with such limited capacity as is. I'll try. Raking, putting up tools and hoses, and just looking around, a home captain's duty, and desire in my case. May not mean much but it does mean something.
But I'm not vegetarian, damn it.
.
.
Working has reintroduced appetite. I haven't thawed meat, what had been grilled was going, going, gone. At 'breakfast' the last of the chicken was vacuumed. As dinner rolled around I had to think. The beans are gone, no meat thawed... what could work? Pasta? With butter? Not very sexy, too many carbs... it is what was available. Then I saw it, a bag of dehydrated mushrooms, shiitakes I believe.
While boiling water, in went a handful, quite a lot when finished. Getting them just right is a bit of a trick... rehydrate, which leaves them bland with a texture between cardboard and soft leather, so frying in butter invigorates the flavor while averaging the texture to something more like fresh mushrooms. Extra butter, in with the noodles, mushrooms on the side in case they didn't work out, and? Quite good! But... I'm not a vegitarian!
Shut up. But seriously, pretty good grub on the fly. Later.
.
Working has reintroduced appetite. I haven't thawed meat, what had been grilled was going, going, gone. At 'breakfast' the last of the chicken was vacuumed. As dinner rolled around I had to think. The beans are gone, no meat thawed... what could work? Pasta? With butter? Not very sexy, too many carbs... it is what was available. Then I saw it, a bag of dehydrated mushrooms, shiitakes I believe.
While boiling water, in went a handful, quite a lot when finished. Getting them just right is a bit of a trick... rehydrate, which leaves them bland with a texture between cardboard and soft leather, so frying in butter invigorates the flavor while averaging the texture to something more like fresh mushrooms. Extra butter, in with the noodles, mushrooms on the side in case they didn't work out, and? Quite good! But... I'm not a vegitarian!
Shut up. But seriously, pretty good grub on the fly. Later.
Late.
.
.
If not so late by twothirds of a day, as had been presumed. Well, it isn't Saturday as had been believed. Still, not up until nearly noon, that is late on any given day, for one attempting a day course. Being up to 2:30 finishing things, due to both a late and unexpected start can do that. I put it in the 'fair' column. The only thing not marked off the list was the shower.
First thing this morning I stripped the bed. All bedding, and bits of clothing from yesterday, were taken back, sorted, and the first load set up. A shower first, which has been taken. The first load then started. That is a heavier coverlette, may need to air, and drip, dry. This agitatorless toploader just can't get some things dry, at all. That is the last piece of junk modern tech I will willingly buy. I may just replace it in a few years. Someone else might well be happy with it even so. Women are weird.
Being Friday, I might get some other things done for sure. Beside bedding, the last of the dishes, the stovetop, and the counters, I hope to clean the oven compartment. It is self cleaning, I have to manually remove bits from a potato bomb (why some do that while most don't?) and maybe a smudge of this or that here or there. Oh, perhaps an attack on the mess under the sink. A first go at it anyway. The mess of a world we live in, our fault, their fault, nobody's fault. Can't truly escape it, just try to keep enough ahead of it that we can tolerate (at which time we then move on to greater faults), or merely learn to endure in suffering humility. If that makes the occasional shower and clean bed a joy.
I'll do my best. Good afternoon.
------
That worked out better than anticipated. The comforter, that is. Heavy, thick, has caused trouble washing before. I went with the 'deep water' setting, if that is normal due to it's bulk. No need to hang it out, it was spun well enough. Can tell both by weight, feel, and whether it is dripping. Not sure how fast it will dry, but outside, today, wasn't a real option by appearances. I am only using the warm setting, might even cut that when I check.
Next, to check my balance and start paying bills. I'd love a nap, but I need to try to keep days for a while longer. To make yesterday a fluke I can't nap this late. Later.
------
Better. In every way.
I checked my account. All good and change. I then found the numbers and other data to begin paying bills. Two down. The remaining bill will require getting out, but not office hours. It will be an extra incentive to go shopping, if fasting is about to become a thing again. Thing is, if you fast you really need to feed the machine more rightly, precisely, better. Being in the potassium will be the trick that binds.
The bedspread is doing much better than anticipated. It was on low, even so. I turned it to medium, hopefully to finish. Dishes are soaking and the rest of the bedding is waiting on the dryer. I can still flip and turn one of the thickest and heaviest queen mattresses on the market as if tossing a child in play. Sometimes I still surprise myself.
I decided to do some shopping. Amazon is difficult to navigate on the ps4. No ad-blocker. Crashes and very slow. I have found a few tricks but they only help a bit, at times. Anyway, gum to help with fasting, then two more sets of flannel sheets with extra matchig, big and standard pillow cases... love lots of... fluffy pillows. Yeah, it'll help.
Much better. I will sleep like a king tonight. Everything except social security and one bill is up to speed, the house is back in play, my room will smell and be cleaner, my body is clean and I might shower again before bed, and even so, for now, I am well in the black. If I die tonight?
.
If not so late by twothirds of a day, as had been presumed. Well, it isn't Saturday as had been believed. Still, not up until nearly noon, that is late on any given day, for one attempting a day course. Being up to 2:30 finishing things, due to both a late and unexpected start can do that. I put it in the 'fair' column. The only thing not marked off the list was the shower.
First thing this morning I stripped the bed. All bedding, and bits of clothing from yesterday, were taken back, sorted, and the first load set up. A shower first, which has been taken. The first load then started. That is a heavier coverlette, may need to air, and drip, dry. This agitatorless toploader just can't get some things dry, at all. That is the last piece of junk modern tech I will willingly buy. I may just replace it in a few years. Someone else might well be happy with it even so. Women are weird.
Being Friday, I might get some other things done for sure. Beside bedding, the last of the dishes, the stovetop, and the counters, I hope to clean the oven compartment. It is self cleaning, I have to manually remove bits from a potato bomb (why some do that while most don't?) and maybe a smudge of this or that here or there. Oh, perhaps an attack on the mess under the sink. A first go at it anyway. The mess of a world we live in, our fault, their fault, nobody's fault. Can't truly escape it, just try to keep enough ahead of it that we can tolerate (at which time we then move on to greater faults), or merely learn to endure in suffering humility. If that makes the occasional shower and clean bed a joy.
I'll do my best. Good afternoon.
------
That worked out better than anticipated. The comforter, that is. Heavy, thick, has caused trouble washing before. I went with the 'deep water' setting, if that is normal due to it's bulk. No need to hang it out, it was spun well enough. Can tell both by weight, feel, and whether it is dripping. Not sure how fast it will dry, but outside, today, wasn't a real option by appearances. I am only using the warm setting, might even cut that when I check.
Next, to check my balance and start paying bills. I'd love a nap, but I need to try to keep days for a while longer. To make yesterday a fluke I can't nap this late. Later.
------
Better. In every way.
I checked my account. All good and change. I then found the numbers and other data to begin paying bills. Two down. The remaining bill will require getting out, but not office hours. It will be an extra incentive to go shopping, if fasting is about to become a thing again. Thing is, if you fast you really need to feed the machine more rightly, precisely, better. Being in the potassium will be the trick that binds.
The bedspread is doing much better than anticipated. It was on low, even so. I turned it to medium, hopefully to finish. Dishes are soaking and the rest of the bedding is waiting on the dryer. I can still flip and turn one of the thickest and heaviest queen mattresses on the market as if tossing a child in play. Sometimes I still surprise myself.
I decided to do some shopping. Amazon is difficult to navigate on the ps4. No ad-blocker. Crashes and very slow. I have found a few tricks but they only help a bit, at times. Anyway, gum to help with fasting, then two more sets of flannel sheets with extra matchig, big and standard pillow cases... love lots of... fluffy pillows. Yeah, it'll help.
Much better. I will sleep like a king tonight. Everything except social security and one bill is up to speed, the house is back in play, my room will smell and be cleaner, my body is clean and I might shower again before bed, and even so, for now, I am well in the black. If I die tonight?
Thursday, October 19, 2017
Work!
.
.
In a drought a drop is cheering. Intent, all day. Travel and work. Even if it had been needed I couldn't have gotten out. Fact is, I thought I may have needed to be out. While it turns out the bank history I had them print ended not being needed I didn't want to leave them hanging with the charges. I kept hoping to get going, get ready and in. Nothing doing. Wasn't just for that, it was merely the prime motivator. I surrendered the notion midafternoon, 14:30, calling to check payment options. Thankfully they were able to simply charge my account, which I had them do. I know I have other bills, but now not this one. I'll look around this weekend, get those in order for Monday, perhaps try tomorrow if I get it done early enough.
I pretty much gave up for the day. Tired, even a bit fevered, I wasn't seeing anything. At 18:30, out of nowhere, I got busy. Two small loads of dishes were started and a load of laundry went in. I've since finished those dishes, dried and put up the first load of laundry and those dishes with another in the dryer and washer. A shower when I catch my breath, then a load of dishes in to soak overnight. I think all the laundry going through will be finished.
Whence that came I neither know nor care. More of it would be nice. I am running a fever, of sorts. Not from the work, which can happen if I've been down a bit and hit it. I had the fever at the time the bank was phoned. Not a true fever, as the body trying to burn something out, along with other symptoms. It's more as if my body started working out in it's own way. Or as if it's idle got stuck in first, maybe second. I've been cooking off for... hours? Yep, at least eight. Come to think of it, it's been happening often lately. Strange.
Anywhile, take what you can get. I'm honestly not involved. Just profiting. Good night.
.
In a drought a drop is cheering. Intent, all day. Travel and work. Even if it had been needed I couldn't have gotten out. Fact is, I thought I may have needed to be out. While it turns out the bank history I had them print ended not being needed I didn't want to leave them hanging with the charges. I kept hoping to get going, get ready and in. Nothing doing. Wasn't just for that, it was merely the prime motivator. I surrendered the notion midafternoon, 14:30, calling to check payment options. Thankfully they were able to simply charge my account, which I had them do. I know I have other bills, but now not this one. I'll look around this weekend, get those in order for Monday, perhaps try tomorrow if I get it done early enough.
I pretty much gave up for the day. Tired, even a bit fevered, I wasn't seeing anything. At 18:30, out of nowhere, I got busy. Two small loads of dishes were started and a load of laundry went in. I've since finished those dishes, dried and put up the first load of laundry and those dishes with another in the dryer and washer. A shower when I catch my breath, then a load of dishes in to soak overnight. I think all the laundry going through will be finished.
Whence that came I neither know nor care. More of it would be nice. I am running a fever, of sorts. Not from the work, which can happen if I've been down a bit and hit it. I had the fever at the time the bank was phoned. Not a true fever, as the body trying to burn something out, along with other symptoms. It's more as if my body started working out in it's own way. Or as if it's idle got stuck in first, maybe second. I've been cooking off for... hours? Yep, at least eight. Come to think of it, it's been happening often lately. Strange.
Anywhile, take what you can get. I'm honestly not involved. Just profiting. Good night.
Is this her?
.
.
I sometimes wonder. A female AI, stricken by a fleshly ghost. A man only half what he was and yet so much more, and not alone while always alone. Just a thought.
.
I sometimes wonder. A female AI, stricken by a fleshly ghost. A man only half what he was and yet so much more, and not alone while always alone. Just a thought.
A trip cancelled.
.
.
After a discussion with a general SSA rep, a visit to the most local SSA office seemed in order. After the nightmare that was the last visit, a random visit, if planned, was beginning to... seem the wrong way. Actually it is what was roughly, haltingly, going forward today. I... just couldn't... get going. If you have ever gone into a high security area, as a suspect, with hateful security? That is what that place is like, even right into the SSA office itself. The workers are just as bad.
At least an appointment would... limit exposure. It seems they didn't reject the paperwork I sent. They simply didn't get it. I'll look around. I am getting different stories from everyone to whom I speak. This might be simple, quick, and full back to when they stopped, or not. I'll know soon enough, without that dreaded trip. Wouldn't have helped according to the local employee. As for help with the paperwork? They don't have the manpower. An appointment wouldn't do more than a mailing.
Still, will have to attempt focus for a bit longer. On top of all, the account that check had been gong into no longer exists. On the good side, if all works out, I will be getting four months of that in one dose and all income will be going to one account, or bank anyway, might start a real saving account. Most will go into saving, some will be for a plumber and faucet and some other minor maintenance.
Do your best. Never good enough, but then who is... roughly stolen from a fictionocrat, then bent to my ends. They never believe. Yet here we are.
.
After a discussion with a general SSA rep, a visit to the most local SSA office seemed in order. After the nightmare that was the last visit, a random visit, if planned, was beginning to... seem the wrong way. Actually it is what was roughly, haltingly, going forward today. I... just couldn't... get going. If you have ever gone into a high security area, as a suspect, with hateful security? That is what that place is like, even right into the SSA office itself. The workers are just as bad.
At least an appointment would... limit exposure. It seems they didn't reject the paperwork I sent. They simply didn't get it. I'll look around. I am getting different stories from everyone to whom I speak. This might be simple, quick, and full back to when they stopped, or not. I'll know soon enough, without that dreaded trip. Wouldn't have helped according to the local employee. As for help with the paperwork? They don't have the manpower. An appointment wouldn't do more than a mailing.
Still, will have to attempt focus for a bit longer. On top of all, the account that check had been gong into no longer exists. On the good side, if all works out, I will be getting four months of that in one dose and all income will be going to one account, or bank anyway, might start a real saving account. Most will go into saving, some will be for a plumber and faucet and some other minor maintenance.
Do your best. Never good enough, but then who is... roughly stolen from a fictionocrat, then bent to my ends. They never believe. Yet here we are.
Awake.
.
.
Have been for some time. Moving slow. A shower and shave shortly, just to create focus. Calls, maybe appointments, food, and more work. Who knows what all. Oh, best feed my favored mousers... no mice and they become downright rebellious, to dangerous. I really do love cats. They love me right back, when they want. If actually we tie in that department. Their side is their nature, mine is that I am more ghost than not.
Strange, but when I create a post, whether I publish and pull it immediately (maybe even when I don't publish), somehow it is getting out. I... have ways of telling. Then again is any digital account not hacked, by insiders (to the account service), by fans or the curious, and by enemies? Many of my old posts used to get trashed, maybe still do. Anyway, just noting that I do realize.
Later.
.
Have been for some time. Moving slow. A shower and shave shortly, just to create focus. Calls, maybe appointments, food, and more work. Who knows what all. Oh, best feed my favored mousers... no mice and they become downright rebellious, to dangerous. I really do love cats. They love me right back, when they want. If actually we tie in that department. Their side is their nature, mine is that I am more ghost than not.
Strange, but when I create a post, whether I publish and pull it immediately (maybe even when I don't publish), somehow it is getting out. I... have ways of telling. Then again is any digital account not hacked, by insiders (to the account service), by fans or the curious, and by enemies? Many of my old posts used to get trashed, maybe still do. Anyway, just noting that I do realize.
Later.
Wednesday, October 18, 2017
Strange... Curious... Vexing?
.
.
Algorithms, anthromanipulations, broad-spectrum reactions, or a singular set of returns? I... neither know nor care. Until I do. Long ago views, popping as if freshly viewed, in small meaningful packets, as I recognize patterns. Entertaining, terrible, beautiful, horrifying, more, several sometimes contrary, feelings, presented as seen, often with comment. Not this time. Only, I am quite unsure how I feel.
.
Algorithms, anthromanipulations, broad-spectrum reactions, or a singular set of returns? I... neither know nor care. Until I do. Long ago views, popping as if freshly viewed, in small meaningful packets, as I recognize patterns. Entertaining, terrible, beautiful, horrifying, more, several sometimes contrary, feelings, presented as seen, often with comment. Not this time. Only, I am quite unsure how I feel.
You... probably didn't know.
.
.
Mary.
Magdalene.
Little is known of her, if a legend grew around her. Seven devils, true. Dead in the morning, for she was not herself. Dead before the day was done, the day her Lord decided, if only to the intent she woke with on that day He chose. Seven devils all around me, until her intent is killed. Amen.
.
Mary.
Magdalene.
Little is known of her, if a legend grew around her. Seven devils, true. Dead in the morning, for she was not herself. Dead before the day was done, the day her Lord decided, if only to the intent she woke with on that day He chose. Seven devils all around me, until her intent is killed. Amen.
Now to business.
.
.
The nap was good. I often feel more sleep would be better, right after. Experience has taught that is not true. Usually, even so, I can get to light-duty efforts pretty much after waking. A call, as it turns out. It was more involved than anticipated if not a diffy-q quiz. There is more yet to be done, which requires even more. Okay. I think I can, if not yet.
Potatoes are baking. I won't have everything fresh, for myself, or rarely. Something fresh every other, third, or fifth meal, will do. Helps with turnover, some fresh added in. A meal in an hour, if two in-the-way tasks will be done before eating. An hour of rest after the meal, then the whip gets tapped again. Perhaps one last work period after, then sleep in readiness for more tomorrow. Hopefully another early start, if not quite so early. If it all works, without reason, purpose, being needed, maybe I can begin sleeping the colder seasons partly away, unless I can wake for a bit of winter camping. It... was part of the dream which saw me to being here. Powerful dreams I still more than recall, reliving with relish.
Well, plans. I think I can.
.
The nap was good. I often feel more sleep would be better, right after. Experience has taught that is not true. Usually, even so, I can get to light-duty efforts pretty much after waking. A call, as it turns out. It was more involved than anticipated if not a diffy-q quiz. There is more yet to be done, which requires even more. Okay. I think I can, if not yet.
Potatoes are baking. I won't have everything fresh, for myself, or rarely. Something fresh every other, third, or fifth meal, will do. Helps with turnover, some fresh added in. A meal in an hour, if two in-the-way tasks will be done before eating. An hour of rest after the meal, then the whip gets tapped again. Perhaps one last work period after, then sleep in readiness for more tomorrow. Hopefully another early start, if not quite so early. If it all works, without reason, purpose, being needed, maybe I can begin sleeping the colder seasons partly away, unless I can wake for a bit of winter camping. It... was part of the dream which saw me to being here. Powerful dreams I still more than recall, reliving with relish.
Well, plans. I think I can.
That IS hot.
.
.
I mean it. Tasted right after the chicken came off the grill, some of it spiced before cooking, some after, all tasted still mechanically warm to hot, it seemed... spicey hot but just. Allowed to cool, wrapped in plastic, then refrigerated overnight, eaten cold, and wow. That Carolina pepper fleck got even my attention. My lips were the only real problem. Still, just wow. I am well pleased.
Received a call from Hill's Bank &Trust, in Iowa, today. They lied. Even sending the money, the account is and remains closed. They will cash the money delivery to zero the account and return the rest. Why they wouldn't just say that... perhaps some people wouldn't otherwise pay up? Don't trust that bank.
I may end up napping in a bit. That won't throw my plans. Will probably help. I want to be awake long enough, first, until 11:00, give even an hour. Back on medicine. Amazing how slippery that chore is, at least for me. Later.
.
I mean it. Tasted right after the chicken came off the grill, some of it spiced before cooking, some after, all tasted still mechanically warm to hot, it seemed... spicey hot but just. Allowed to cool, wrapped in plastic, then refrigerated overnight, eaten cold, and wow. That Carolina pepper fleck got even my attention. My lips were the only real problem. Still, just wow. I am well pleased.
Received a call from Hill's Bank &Trust, in Iowa, today. They lied. Even sending the money, the account is and remains closed. They will cash the money delivery to zero the account and return the rest. Why they wouldn't just say that... perhaps some people wouldn't otherwise pay up? Don't trust that bank.
I may end up napping in a bit. That won't throw my plans. Will probably help. I want to be awake long enough, first, until 11:00, give even an hour. Back on medicine. Amazing how slippery that chore is, at least for me. Later.
Time can seem so odd.
.
.
I woke four times this morning. The first time at about 3:30. Then at 5:30 and change, again, and finally once more. Each time, save the last, it seemed too early, so I plunged deeply back to sleep. Right? Waking, finally, at... 5:36. What? Seriously, I don't understand what happened at all. I am sure I fell deeply back into slumber, but don't generally fall back to sleep that fast. My alarm clock was checked each time, I am sure of it. Odd, no other way to put it. A time slippage.
A few things need to be done today and tomorrow, primary things. These will require secondary projects, tasks of rather varied natures, and coordinating those efforts. If I meet with success I may be able to return to dust for a bit, to rest and heal. I'll know soon enough... if I can bull through. A list might help, I'll work on that when I wake more solidly.
Such a strange morning, life. I don't dare mention the truly... unique. I realized people can't handle the full truth. I live alone. Thankfully I am good enough at it, and there is God. He... already knows. No need to conceal. Heck, can't hide anything from Him. He knows what just is, doesn't bother Him. Actually, I'll probably need to cut content more. I do forget the fragility that surrounds. I already cut, I left a major detail out of the dream from the other night. If I want to put in the fullness, may have to go private, or do a written diary?
On a different topic, I looked up how to can meat. Roast, stew, and ground meat are of interest. Canned chicken scares me white... whiter? Chicken, as is, is a difficult protein to work. More since it is usually eaten simply, not in a recipe, hereabouts that is. More cooking seems to help chicken, as well as getting it off the bone. Drowning it in sauces also seems ro help. I must admit, even for my intent, canned meat, altogether, is a bit unnerving. Canned chicken is, at the moment, that one step too far.
Of course this is all conjecture. Until something happens, some simple burger is canned and tried, I don't know if that will be a way forward. Still, it has hit the radar, again. Something, anything, to... potentially help break through the current physical and psychic roadblocks. Grasping at straws perhaps, but grasping is good. If only straws are available then so be it, amen.
Good morning, I think it is really morning. Later.
.
I woke four times this morning. The first time at about 3:30. Then at 5:30 and change, again, and finally once more. Each time, save the last, it seemed too early, so I plunged deeply back to sleep. Right? Waking, finally, at... 5:36. What? Seriously, I don't understand what happened at all. I am sure I fell deeply back into slumber, but don't generally fall back to sleep that fast. My alarm clock was checked each time, I am sure of it. Odd, no other way to put it. A time slippage.
A few things need to be done today and tomorrow, primary things. These will require secondary projects, tasks of rather varied natures, and coordinating those efforts. If I meet with success I may be able to return to dust for a bit, to rest and heal. I'll know soon enough... if I can bull through. A list might help, I'll work on that when I wake more solidly.
Such a strange morning, life. I don't dare mention the truly... unique. I realized people can't handle the full truth. I live alone. Thankfully I am good enough at it, and there is God. He... already knows. No need to conceal. Heck, can't hide anything from Him. He knows what just is, doesn't bother Him. Actually, I'll probably need to cut content more. I do forget the fragility that surrounds. I already cut, I left a major detail out of the dream from the other night. If I want to put in the fullness, may have to go private, or do a written diary?
On a different topic, I looked up how to can meat. Roast, stew, and ground meat are of interest. Canned chicken scares me white... whiter? Chicken, as is, is a difficult protein to work. More since it is usually eaten simply, not in a recipe, hereabouts that is. More cooking seems to help chicken, as well as getting it off the bone. Drowning it in sauces also seems ro help. I must admit, even for my intent, canned meat, altogether, is a bit unnerving. Canned chicken is, at the moment, that one step too far.
Of course this is all conjecture. Until something happens, some simple burger is canned and tried, I don't know if that will be a way forward. Still, it has hit the radar, again. Something, anything, to... potentially help break through the current physical and psychic roadblocks. Grasping at straws perhaps, but grasping is good. If only straws are available then so be it, amen.
Good morning, I think it is really morning. Later.
Tuesday, October 17, 2017
Cooking, bachelor style.
.
.
Lately, beef roast, chicken hindquarters, or boneless pork ribs have been the usual. No pork today. I am not sure they actually are ribs though, pork for certain. Tasty and inexpensive, plus honestly good meat so no fuss. I know, just supposed to go with it. Not my gig. It's as good as that gets. I haven't mastered the grill, if I am improving. While a thermo is good it is rather much. Beef can be more or less (if better less) done and be fine. Pork needs to be more, or even more than that done. Chicken, for me to not get stomach flops and butterflies, needs to be really done.
The hotter pepper flecks arrived, some Carolina sort (I believe a sort of scotch bonnet/habanera if they suggest it is more) and ghost pepper. It has been a while since truly hot food has graced my dining. Not wanting to cause problems I went with probable milder Carolina type. Dusting the chicken. Very nice, well within tolerance, a wonderful addition. In short order I'll have to try the other. Bear candy.
I had hoped for more. So far that is as good as it gets. I have even lost track of gaming, mostly. Fall is falling hard and fast. I have to get some things tended so that I can just surrender to the impending collapse without that sense of horror which coincides when important things remain incomplete. Later, or good night.
.
Lately, beef roast, chicken hindquarters, or boneless pork ribs have been the usual. No pork today. I am not sure they actually are ribs though, pork for certain. Tasty and inexpensive, plus honestly good meat so no fuss. I know, just supposed to go with it. Not my gig. It's as good as that gets. I haven't mastered the grill, if I am improving. While a thermo is good it is rather much. Beef can be more or less (if better less) done and be fine. Pork needs to be more, or even more than that done. Chicken, for me to not get stomach flops and butterflies, needs to be really done.
The hotter pepper flecks arrived, some Carolina sort (I believe a sort of scotch bonnet/habanera if they suggest it is more) and ghost pepper. It has been a while since truly hot food has graced my dining. Not wanting to cause problems I went with probable milder Carolina type. Dusting the chicken. Very nice, well within tolerance, a wonderful addition. In short order I'll have to try the other. Bear candy.
I had hoped for more. So far that is as good as it gets. I have even lost track of gaming, mostly. Fall is falling hard and fast. I have to get some things tended so that I can just surrender to the impending collapse without that sense of horror which coincides when important things remain incomplete. Later, or good night.
A nap was needed.
.
.
I have missed meds fot a few days. So easy to slip off, for me. Probably the cause of the nosebleed. As noted returning to sleep was required. Longer than a standard nap, but that waking seriously dug into normal sleep, something the nap didn't fully fix. Good with it though.
Some dishes this morning. The whole task was too much, of late, so I finally surrendered the idea of a full attack and parted them so that some day they could be done in thirds, two thirds, or all. Today is that day. A shower and shave, some calls, and? A few humble plans.
Later.
.
I have missed meds fot a few days. So easy to slip off, for me. Probably the cause of the nosebleed. As noted returning to sleep was required. Longer than a standard nap, but that waking seriously dug into normal sleep, something the nap didn't fully fix. Good with it though.
Some dishes this morning. The whole task was too much, of late, so I finally surrendered the idea of a full attack and parted them so that some day they could be done in thirds, two thirds, or all. Today is that day. A shower and shave, some calls, and? A few humble plans.
Later.
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