Late waking.

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The girls were trying to wake me since 8:30.  About every two hous after that.  Ah, they must have gone through the hard food I keep out to tide them over.  Not much I could do.  Way too tired.  Cats DO have snoozes!  Still, every two hours.  Should have shooed them out and closed the door.  First, I couldn't really herd cats, and they would have pounded the door every two hours anyway.  Note to self, dry cat food.  TODAY.  I finally woke at about 14:00.

As to who the fuss is about?  I'm starting to think it is pretty much everybody.  Close, far, kin, friend, associate, enemy, and those without any real attachment at all, which means for no good reason, some of them.  Some of it I fully understand, not that I always care, and I don't agree or there probably wouldn't be an issue.  I really can go with only God.  He gets the worst of the deal but seems satisfied with the deal.  Heck, He is who proposed, called.  All I had to do was follow, if that is a hell of a thing for even a broken one of my kind.  So?  Don't think I'm picking on you, or you alone.  Not even really picking, just sensing it.  The reading... added something to it.  Do what you have to do, some of it I get, if it isn't...  I am here, you are there, so be it.

I ran the whole quart of cream through to clotted cream this time, salting as I was loading.  The cream was much thicker this time.  I have heard that cream will vary, as to viscosity, evn week to week from the same cow?  That is how I heard it from several sources who have proven out before.  I should have made butter, even if I have plenty and am buying theirs.  Just to do it once, for the experience.  The next thick batch gets butterized.  The clotted cream has cooled enough to be covered and refrigerated.  I'll let this batch rest overnight.

I may see if I have a dried cherries, cranberries, or else for scones.  With it cooling, making a dough batch, then just baking one or two every other day, along with clotted cream and a cup or dozen of warm tea?  Sounds good.  Next to find good fresh eggs, though to see what feed they use?  But what feed is good?  All I know is commercial eggs seem to be a real problem no matter how I use them.  Hopefully baking won't be a problem?  Gahk!

Hmm, dressed, save for shoes.  Might try to install the scoop, maybe the counter-weight.  I need an air compressor for the tire chains, supposed to let the air out a bit, then pressurize to final fit.  I may just buy one this coming month.  Merry Christmas to self?  Especially if I can find an affordable 120/220-40 multi, for when I get the garage rewired.  Probably a few years off, but planning ahead is far better than catching up.  Right.  Just say "right".  :p

I best get to it.  Later.

Ask and you will receive.

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How much of a book does proper etiquette advise can be copied?  What is the proper form for citation, or this year?  I'll do my best and hoqe for the best.  My newest read is covering ground I am travelling, only... better.  Even better that I am forced to stop and think, question my words, motives, and other nagging... things.  A unit, called a chapter, follows.

CHAPTER 12

OF THE UTILITY OF ADVERSITY 

IT IS good for us to have sometimes troubles and adversities, for they make a man enter into himself, that he may know he is in a state of banishment, and may not place his hopes in anything of this world.

It is good that we suffer contradictions, and that men have an evil or imperfect opinion of us, even when we do and intend well.  These things are often helps to humilty, and defend us from vainglory.

For then we better run to God, our inward witness, when outwardly we are despised by men, and little credit is given to us.

2. Therefore should a man so establish himself in God, as to have no need of seeking many comforts from men.

When a man of good will is troubled, or tempted, or afflicted with evil thoughts, then he better understands what need he has of God, without whom he finds he can do no good. (John 15:5)

Then also he laments, he sighs, and prays, by reason of the misery he suffers. 

Then he is weary of living longer, and he wishes death to come, that he may be "dissolved and be with Christ". (Phil. 1:23)

Then also he will perceive that perfect security and full peace cannot be found in this world.

The Imitation of Christ, Thomis A. Kempis

As well, something more heartening.

CHAPTER 3

OF THE DOCTRINE OF TRUTH

Happy is he whom Truth teacheth by itself, not by figures and words that pass, but as it is in itself.  (Ps. 17:36; Pa. 28:26).  Our opinion and our sense often deceive us, and discover but little.

...

The Imitation of Christ, Thomis A. Kempis

For I was called.  I was not welcome nor am I yet, among many, in any church.  If it wasn't for God, and rather urgently, I wouldn't be faithful.  More, I suspect most who would have taught would have corrupted.  My initial instructor was good, if hamstrung by many around him for his good faith, but he didn't call and the education was impersonal, class-based.  Not a thing of pride, though.  What will Christ do for the lost sheep?  Right.  Still...  Pleasing.  I did get private lessons.

Sometimes the right book at the right time.  Some of it is difficult to read.  I worry, doubt myself, outright know I fail, failed, will fall again.  Good to have another source to find comfort, find the right trailhead again, then to it.  The book also has recommendations for various toils or even good times.  I think it's a keeper.

I am an ugly man, but His ugly man.  He gave me the time to bow and learn.

A few things.

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Tiptoeing financially, until ss is figured out.  Even with having a witness sign and drop it in the chute, they may well not receive it again.  They can refuse to do their job as long as they wish, not much I can do on my end.  I am not down to breadcrumbs and bologna.  I had to check, but Christmas presents were purchased and sent.  A good sale certainly helped, and on exactly what was planned.  Still makes it tigher, but next month isn't Christmas.

Still a bit rough.  I finally got around to food.  I'll have another meal in four hours.  In short order I may begin turning milk into kefir.  The grains are available locally, as is store-bought kefir, which used to work.  They may have changed it though.  If they did there is no live cultures in it now... or they can't grow, which has to be pretty much one and rhe same.  Since it is pretty much eaten for probiotic function in the gut, if it can't do that it is useless.  I'll tinker, figure it out, then report back.  I suppose they might have created cultures which convert lactose to else, for ease of digestion and making it safe(r)  for diabetics, then dies off so it can't be used.  Chemistry and biology, for better economic control of your food!  

It has been a wet day, but not too cold.  As I was grilling 'lunch' the sun came out.  So, while cooking I extracted the instructions for the plow.  Boy what a waste of my time and their paper.  If you can't find people who can explain something at least hire someone who can draw, 0 for two.  I'd fire the man running that.  If the next guy didn't fire everyone in the department, he would go with them.  I'll have to figure it out on my own.  Not feeling all that well, will check later.  On first review the instructions and logic to them makes me think the whole lot is affirmative action hires., or business majors... too often same thing.

If I can, I may go out and give things a whirl.  Cooling fast and getting really dark.  Hmm, I should check into work lights when money is right.  Later.

Difficult last few mornings.

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If you hace ever been in fights, serious ones either against more than one, or seriously undersized, or both, perhaps against an opponent who brought a 2x4 or baseball bat to the gig?  Yeah.  Win lose or draw, you will hurt.  The whole forward plane of my abdomen, deep in, feels to have been worked with a 2x4.  The surface is fine, as it used to be.  Enough fights and muscle becomes nigh on immune.  There is no way to strengthen organs.  As well, it feels as if kidney shots, exactly on target, were landed.  Today is the worst of the last four days.  I stayed down an extra couple of hours today to no good effect.  The pain usually leaves in several hours, but has been leaving me exhausted when it goes.

One thing I need to remember, with fasting, is to eat enough during the eating time.  I didn't yesterday so incured a foul, eating a bit after the six hour zone.  Not a complete drop though, still all within the eight hour zone, which is good, just not preferred.  I need to thaw more meat to ensure I can keep up.  I might begin sourcing fresh eggs, to see if my egg problem is eggs or the rooster.  Foul I tell ya, boy, I say boy.

Dreams still at flood stage.  Memory is still fading almost immediately.  One part of one dream... told I was considered odd, a strange duck.  Laughed.  Of course, I said.  But?, I was asked.  Held out a mirror to all.  The room burst into laughter, some of it becoming tense, nervous, as the roar crescendoed and people started looking each other over too.  No, I do not need confirmation from others.  I fail, but my Lord... we work this out as best I am able on my part.  He does His part flawlessly, which takes up my slack.  All I can do right is to allow Him to do His work, even through my guilt.  Laugh as you will.  I'll join you.  I will also explain things, as if to children.  Never did I feel any attempt at a slight succeeded.  Nor did I intend a slight.  But it... is funny, as I see it.  If others exposed their thoughts, dreams, and all as freely as I do... you'd... understand fully.  Most people hide.  That alone makes me different, if in truth no more, probably less odd.  But few others even dare say what they really think.  Still chuckling.

The pain is easing.  Not sure if getting up will bring it back, so I will sit a bit, until time to feed the fluff-nuggets... cats to you.  Medicine though, I have it reset for the next month.  I think it has taken over as the main source of exhaustion, which is good.  As soon as I get that under control I might be okay.  Ugh but this life can be messy.  Hurry and wait, as if I was back in the Navy.

Good day.

Floods of dreams.

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In the last two weeks nearly every night has been filled with dreams.  Some are remembered slightly into the morning, if not long enough to write.  It seems as I am awake more often in dreams than I am asleep.  Yes, I think that adds to being tired when I wake.  Maybe not, it does seem a truth.

Awake, dressed in case an attempt to install some of the components can happen.  As well, I think some food will be grilled.  Oh, I best turn the heat up just a bit.  It is getting cooler, even getting cold sometimes, but not bitterly chill yet.  Some winters, to me, here, never go bitter.  Coming from a place were wet as it can be, -40 and worse not being uncommon, and with heavy and high winds as normal events, this valley, which cuts the wind and is usually dry, is easy even as my bones age.  Well, and I prefer the cold, not just marginally.  The weather was not one of my complaints with Iowa, well not winter weather.  Got to admit though, if strangely, as health improves I am becoming more susceptible to cold, if less susceptible to heat.  I would guess my whole comfort zone slid twenty degrees to the right.

I might be able to get the plow attached, perhaps all items.  The big jobs, removing the mower deck and connecting the plow to the harness... with one finished prospects look good.  Only that attaching could end up beyond a one-man job.  First, a bite to eat then letting that settle.  Well, and warming with the house.

With this done, I can sleep.  If I can shovel I will.  If not or in a hurry, the plow or snowblower, depending on the type of snow.  Not sure how well this will work.  Being 24 horse power make some difference, if it is still more hobby than industrial.  Next year I'll get a trailer for it, maybe a seeder and aerator too.  If you have it might as well more fully use it.  I did find out how to change the oil and air filter, which should be done this weeek.  Not sur about the fuel filter, I'll look for that today.  Ugh.

On to lunch, later.

Actually? I can fast!

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I was so used to fasting until evening, using the last six hours for eating, that other options didn't show on radar.  As I was thinking things through I realized I could just put the six hour eating window when it would allow me to eat, not work on too full or empty of a stomach, and still possibly have time for a later snack or meal.  As well, initially, with fasting, I do overeat.  As long as I keep feeding to the alloted time that takes care of itself.  Fasting has begun.  Further, if I eventually decide to make it later, no problem.  Earlier?  Sure, if I don't mind skipping an extra day or three.  Back at it, with lunch to early dinner as the possible feed time zone.

I really need this.  Blood sugar was rather jacked.  I am hoping it was just sweets at Thanksgiving and a rare splurge of crackers and chili... shouldn't used so much canned food at once.  I also worry about Sucra Drops, an artificial sweetener.  Good, though as even with meat there is too much.  The level dropped a fifth from yesterday to fasting testing this morning, and back to closer to (non-fasting) normals.  I was so close to 100, I think 115 or 125, and falling, before potassium crashed.  Yes, on potassium and else, plus not waterlogged.  I think I can make it, get my health back... mostly.  The heart is broken, I think that is the way of it.  But it won't kill me on meds, especially with the rest controlled or simply healed.

Damn straight I'll keep trying.  God has given me great gifts, bounteous faith, chance after opportunity, and forgiveness beyond what I thought possible.  Won't spit in His face.  Plus?  I... rather enjoy.  Sometimes the pain, from many sources, is a bit much.  When I remember His suffering, and who, in part even to a dog, it was for?  If I turn it in He takes it, gratefully somehow.  My pain is managed.  You really have no clue.  Anyway, I'll do my part in thanks and joy, even when it just hurts.

Good night.

Blah.

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I did get the mower assembly of.  The example must have been a smaller one.  This one had nearly twice the number of pins, was four by two feet and weighs in north of #100.  I did take the two belt covers off in order to clean the top off, then used a screwdriver to loosen dried grass.  There wasn't much to clean, it was mostly fiddling and learning.  The blades need sharpened, badly. I may see if the bastard file will do.  Banged up hard though.  May have to adjust some things.

That was it.  As things are I am surprised I got to that.  With that off, installing all else should be straight shots.  Not necessarily easy, just not as mechanically complicated.  I also cleared a new, better, place to park it, at least for winter use.  If rhubarb pops naturally next year, I may keep it there.  It's nearly a two-side-closed covered shed.  A bit of plywood would keep it fully shaded.

She needs oil.  I didn't find anything about using a winter grade oil.  As well, I don't yet know how to change the oil.  More to learn and do, hopefully before it gets nasty cold, wet or snowy.  I am getting there.  Later or good night.

We'll see.

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She has been pulled around.  She was completely out of gas, which is right as she was rigged.  Unless a plow or snowblower is installed burnig the gas of is better for the system.  She needs to cool off.  While cooling, finding the manual and searching for videos seemed right.  The printed manual was were it was believed to be.  I did find videos, just not for the installs.  The first is how to remove the deck.  That shoul be a snap.  I'll check the oil while at things.  Might want to change to a winter oil?  Another thing to check.  Every last syllable?  Yeah.  Shortcuts are for emergencies only , then done or at least overseen by a solid in that field.  I am a noob and this isn't an emergency.

Late, good.

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It's been an hour and something since waking, two when I finish this.  Truly exhausted yesterday which made getting to bed difficult.  Odd how that can happen.  Awake late, only when compared to the time I woke yesterday.  I slept about eight hours, which is a lot less than the recent norm, if a good thing.  The sun was out for a bit, which helps.

Already dressed, in work clothes.  While still waking, I am hoping to put the new parts on the lawntractor.  I would like to do it myself, not certain that goal is practical.  The plow is attached by a bracket, as is the counter-weight.  I believe the mower deck has to at least be loosened for the plow bracket, but not the rear weight bracket.  The manual for the mower is online... but wait, I think they printed it out for me.  I think I know where it should be.

The manual won't show me how to install anything but it should show how to remove the deck, and how to set things up that way.  I am hoping instructions for the rest is included with each part, if tire chains should be self-explanatory?  Doing it on my own depends on weight, angles, and such.  I think I have several jacks, mounts and such, but for large vehicles.  Jerry-rigging can work, it can also really mess things up.  I have looked for videos for any of it online.  If it is there I can't find it.  Bleh!

I also may have found part of the health problem.  Though maybe not.  I'll be monitoring closely this next week.  Fasting may have to be forced in.  Eighteen hour (daily) fasting first, every day, three day fasting if that isn't cutting it or fast enough.  I've been meaning to get back to it, there is strong reason for it now.  Later.

Trickster.

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Which tribe, people?  The topic was broached recently.  Coyote was the focus, though it may well have been the raven, Woden, or the one... not neo by the way.  A few old and a new video, were collected for presentation, more for my sake. I don't think videos are watched.  Not a concern.

So tired.

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Sleep was good, long enough too.  I've been dreaming a great deal.  The cats have been allowed to sleep with me which usually forces me to sleep more restfully.  Even so, even with the bed being made daily, I am having to completely redo everything.  It's as if war is happening.  Strangely enough the girls don't abandon the area.  I have no idea what, how, that works.  It would be like finding cats in a freshly shelled field, napping in a new crater.  The mess explains why I am tired, the dreams give clues as well.  War.

I wasn't sure if the post office would be open today.  I was having trouble getting going and maintaining focus.  Deciding whether to go added to time almost slipping.  Tired of just letting life happen I decided to attempt pushing through.  Even if it was closed I would have willed action and gotten out.  Can't lose that way even if the venture wasn't fulfilled.  Turns out the post was open.  I received packages, one of which must have been on the edge of timing out, being returned.  All good.

Still on the edge of oblivion.  No real worries, I won't be dying, very possibly in your lifetime.  And suffering... has allowed both access to wisdom, at least to see and appreciate it, and to know joy as few may.  My story is far from finished.  Oh, I like the story of Job, even if we know the ending... is the only part not true.  I suspect he did live quite a long and faithful life after his fall, but alone and sickly.  God tended his basic needs, his wounds of all sorts, no more.

I'll do what I may today.  I think, after the post visit which itself was a surprise, sitting upright for the remainder of the day will be a test.  Reading, gaming, music, whatever works.  Later or much later.

Happy Thanksgiving, part two.

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Two Thanksgiving wellwishes can't be all bad.  I woke a bit later than hoped, am moving slower, in spite of going to bed earlier.  It's medicine and weather, being off then on the one.  Ugh.  All good.  I'll get things figured out shortly if I can keep up on meds... difficult in this season.

The chili was rather good.  I kept the heat at a solid spice but not overpowering, for me. Most of you shouldn't try it.  Not sure, but it might make you ill.  I have heard of death, but I don't think at this level.  I added cinnamon and allspice, which while not 'explosive' themselves add shape to the charge.  A few other herbs/spices that I prefer.  Not perfect just very good.  Something(s) is missing.  I am too out of practice to recognize the problem.  It will do.

My mother already called, left a message.  As per her request I listened to her message first.  As is usual I needn't have.  Moms are such women.  Bah!  Wished her a good day, asked about her plans, and didn't tell her women are dorks when she asked if I listened to her message first.  I just said yes, not even followed by a tonally challenging "mother", dragged out for effect.  When men act like that, at best they are considered nerds of the type to not associate unless absolutely required, though women can get relegated there if it is too often or serious... except moms.  They seem to mostly get a pass.  Double Bah!

Heat is up.  A shower is about to happen.  I should be easily ready and on time.  Can't recall the exact time, woke from a nap to be invited.  I'll do my best.  Hope your day is a good one.

A few memories, as with other things and people, in new forms.

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Nothing done, other than the shower, practice run, making chili, and meds.  Couldn't game or read much.  I think it's medicine, it can do that.  All good.  Strange versions of old tunes wafted first before my eyes then to my ears.  There was something softly right about them, good for Thanksgiving Eve.  Well, and an recurring one with some soft but strong bite. Enjoy as you will.

If you recognized one of the men who physically nailed Christ to the cross?  Believe it or else , I am certain Jesus would disabuse you of harming the actors or doing more than repelling the source.  Sometimes no punishment, given enough wisdom, is the greater punishment.  That would take lifetimes though.

Better a day early?

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If so, then I was in like flint.  Flint, if you are even older than me.  Geezer.  ;p  No, not a memory issue.  I simply wrongly attached today, Wednesday, with Thanksgiving, and then never verified.  I did call my mother.  She didn't answer or she might have set it right, though some do celebrate early, to have a local celebration before going to a bigger or distant one.  Life is messy, not at all simple, well regulated, or standard.  Right when I have thought so I have been learned.  Today being a mild lesson.  One even I may enjoy, even while fresh.  Mostly.

Tomorrow, I am told.  I... probably did blush, this time for a sort of simple shame.  If it's the worst faux pas, or perceived one, of the week, though, I am good with it.  "Mom, it's the ogre, he looks hungry."  Just sharing out a potential chuckle at my expense.

Happy Thanksging.

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I have been invited to a meal.  This time I have been tasked with a small provision, which is a good thing.  While not truly needed, in absolute truth, it creates a perception of need, which bolsters the will over the net drag of life, fear of the social, or just lethargy.  It's good to at least have a... purpose?  Not always required, probably.  All is set.  Had to run to town yesterday, but needed to go anyway.  Hadn't been able to go for my own purposes, so a bonus.  External forces when internal won't do, if it's all a trick, gimmick.  None of it works well, every time.  But this worked this time.

Now for a shower, with time to fully dry before going.  So dark again this morning.  I shaved yesterday, with the quad, so I am still good that way.  Oh, not shaving in a hurry, taking care with angles and plainbreaks, and a few other tricks learned with the simple twin blade, left my face mostly intact.  It was no worse than when learning the double blade itself, just a nick at each corner of the mouth, but it does clean whiskers much better.  If you don't  mind a learning curve and prefer a very close shave, this might be for you.  Still hoping to learn to sharpen an actual straight razor well enough to replace this.  At least I am to this point.

I hope your day of graces finds you in good company, well fed, and thankful, or at least comfortable enough, maybe oblivious as needed.  Been there, done that, too.  Amen.

Raining and so very dark.

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I actually woke an hour ago.  I was certain my body was sending my mind the wrong message.  Sleep was attempted over and over, reawakening about every fifteen minutes, until I surrendered my warm soft bed, which is actually uncomfortable to be in when not sleeping.  I have been needing twelve hours a night, just exactly half that last night, though with the nap.  So dark, cool, didn't want to get up, but when my body is done it is done.

My mother called.  She is going to have her wisdom teeth removed, no choice.  They are so messed up it will be surgical, and her jaw bone is fragile.  Which means it will probably be broken in the process.  A month down, all liquids, no straw, not even her vape (e-cigarette), no talking.  I wasn't the first to... comment on the last.  Might be terrible but I am in good company!  The whole notion seems ghoulish to me.  But it does have to be done.  It was on my mind all night, in a sympathetic not empathetic way thankfully.  My empathy can run a little deep at times, if it's not always a choice.

A dream of being an ancient water beast, deep in some lake or fjord.  Such a strange thing.  I sensed that deep underwater has similaities with deep space, with my mind.  Through that, and with it's mind, in the dream it was suggested that it's mind believed it did have kin in deep space.  One word from it's mind to mine, leviathan.  They are returning.  I ought to see if in the bible or various other tomes that is ever suggested.  Curious now.  I got the impression the return wasn't a good thing.

Later.

Bah!

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Lost track of time.  Never fully woke after napping, so dark.  A load of laundry is going, I might yet get a shower, if so dishes will be set to soak overnight.  A load of dry laundry has been mostly dealt with, just needing to be stowed.  While messing with it, I realized that sheet set doesn't have enough pillow cases.  I suppose they don't have to all match.  But if I can make that happen I will.  So, off to e-shopping.  Can't buy currently, can put stuff in the basket.  The exact cases aren't available but a duplicate pattern from a competitor will, hopefully, work.  Never can tell online, or in a store actually.  I must remember, when buying sets, to get the extras right then, colors and even companies, seem to come and go amazingly quickly.

Something else I have to purchase is dress shoes.  I have several.  Some are now way too big, some are way to uncomfortable.  If it was just comfort?  Yes, even then I would be in the market.  But it is more.  Blisters and cuts on my feet just won't do.  I am looking at attachable pads as well.  Not all problems have solutions.  This one should.  I... need to find a... place.  Dress shoes are required.

As to reading.  I have some number of books on my device.  I was reading well for a bit, then bit off a too much with Dante's Comedies.  I finished, but it killed interest in reading for a bit.  I went for an author, and series, new to me, "Chosen One", by Francis W. Porretto.  The author was an engineer, is Catholic, and a fellow blogger who was once linked here.  Can't remember what happened, still, curious.  The other book is something someone recently generally recommended.  It is titled "The Imitation of Christ", by Thomas A. Kempts.  No, not some mockery or fiction, more of a guide toward the divine.  It couldn't hurt, for this fool.  I really think those who just do their best without truly exploring what that means are in for rough times.  No one can save you.  The way is open but you must bear your cross.  You will either way, mind you.  I suppose it is bearing your cross humbly, with grace, in right sacrifice?  I keep looking, this book, along with a bible study, will help.

A roast beef, mustard, and horseradish sandwich or two first.  Maybe salad if it is still good.  And a glass of kefir?  Sure.

I'll, perhaps, put out reviews, in time.  The goal is a couple hours of reading a day.  Usually I have been hitting that.  Might need to extend that in order to fit a bible review in with that.  Later?  No, good night.

Hard nap.

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So dark when I woke, znd the slumber was so deep, I thought it was a morning wake.  I fumbled for the alarm.  It was too dark to simply see it.  I was confused by the time shown.  I often bump the alarm button, then have to wait for the real time to show, but this wasn't that time.  I mus t have needed it.  Actually I don't think it was too long.  This one clock remains set to before the fall back incident of fall '17.

A bit of waking and I could be up to some work.  The nap certainly helped emotional state and nerves along with simple exhaustion.  Oh, and I see I fell off meds.  Can't tell since I am not getting water logged, and with heavier doses of sleep confusing things further.  I'll just restart at full speed.  My feet are down from an uncomfortable 14 to an extremely thin 11 1/2 - 12.  My 13 steel-toe sneakers fit like galoshes, even with my heaviest wool socks and liner socks.  Crazy.

First to wake the body, put in a load of laundry.  A shower when the washer is finished, then set a load of dishes to soak.  Another load of laundry then on to... something or other pertaining to the sitting room.  I have a cabinet for blurays, dvds, cds, and games as well.  Ugh.  If I like this one I may purchase another.  Yeah, but I already have it, either put it up or toss.  I'll go over my reading pile soon.

Later.

Nothing going.

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A nap is required without any physical reason.  It is dark out there, and just at freezing.  I did finish two pieces of pork on the grill, and an already baked potato.  I wasn't sure if any of it would work.  Perfect.  Letting it burn for 15, closing the lid for five, then placing the food right down just above the coals, giving it five minutes each side, and all finished as well as could be hoped.  While the clotted cream is creamy, it is much mider than regular butter.  Better for fresh breads and pastry, if I were to suggest... which I just did.  The nap is tugging at cohesive thought.

A shower, work either in the sitting room or extricating the loveseat, then making chili?  Something along those lines, if possible.  After a nap.  And more reading.  I'll describe some of the material I finally getting through.  I'll never catch up on my reading.  There are more of even the true and good books and so little time, capacity to read, and else.  I'll keep at it.  Later.

So cold?

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While at times true, in some cases it doesn't make sense.  While I have, memories, small hopes, and dreams, all know the latter are just that, some strange properties or storytelling ability, none of that... affects any who do not enter.  Step into a man's mind, any man, at your own risk.  Even so, it is not cold.  It isn't the intention. The fire drains so excruciatingly slowly, nothing more.  Some doors are shut, that has to be made clear as well.

The goal is to be as publicly quiet, physically unobtrusive, out of peoples hair, as possible until my time is spent.  I didn't mention, but I stopped hiking because I frightened people on the path.  Salutations, avoidance, giving the greatest berth possible, it just didn't matter.  Just passing time, mostly alone.  Do you think I couldn't chase?  Do you honestly think I am that weak, stupid, incapable?  I have seen no reciprocal interest so I returned the  favor.  It is how it is done, anything else is stalking.

I just don't get it.  It reminds me of the one who was too young, and a year older than me.  I did the right thing, ending it before making her pregnant while we were still in school, and being despised for it.  I still don't get that, then or now.  If you can't deal with slow death, fevered notions, some good and horrible memories, and the rest here, go away and never come back.  I have enough suffering and loneliness as is.  Keep your problems to yourself.  Any resemblances to real life may in fact be such, sometimes mixed with echoes of various shades, hues, of memories, not all, not many, pleasant.  And the future is guaranteed to go dark, usually becoming damn near intolerable, as are many of my days.

Leave.  Go.  This isn't a comfortable place.  Then again what life, what skin, is.  Not here, not yet.  Stay away if you can't take bumps.  If I see opportunity I might take it.  If I can do I might.  If the way is well barred and I am unwelcome I will not draw near.  That isn't cold.  Perhaps some know or don't in opposition to my take?  My take seems correct far more often.  I DO see.  Never mind the more, just trouble me no more.

Music with which to sleep?

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Maybe.  I'll take them.  They... were already in the queue, if... you were curious.

Several notes about clotted cream.

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As to chilling for twenty four hours?  Perhaps that might make it better, if I am not quite sure how.  I needed something butterlike today.  Potatoes simply don't work well with else.  After a test I believed the matter settled, almost.  Better cream used to be used to for unsalted butter.  Or so it was said.  I suspect, while there may be truth in that, as much as animals, including the human animal, like salt, when people found salted butter they never went back, for raw uses.  The secular pilgrims and other totalitarians need not apply.

Unsalted butter became a cooking ingredient.  As with butter so clotted cream, it needed and received salt.  I went a bit on the shy side, just almost enough, so adding salt to the baked potatoes wasn't excessive.  I am simply to normalized on salted butter.  The thing with salting?  It requires mixing, which means I couldn't keep it in it's rustic state.  Even so, the solids mixed to more a whipped butter than standard butter.  Adding honey, or a homemade preserve would really add an extra touch.  It' easy enough for an ogre well past his time.  Not every time, sometime I will just want the heavy cream.  But now I know.  The butter cream from the process might be good for baking, but I have to believe the cultures are gone, so it won't work to make creme fraiche.  I'll research, if possible.  I thought about adding salt to the cream, working up an amount standard.  I just wonder if that would mess up the buttermilk?  I'll... think, research.

Morning notes.

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Bedtime was correct.  Even getting the clotted cream going and fussing with my version of creme fraiche, which took two days out, if finding warmth, even with the heat up, is a trick.  Fresh bedding, a made bed, a clean body, and work (whatever you really can do, then some) is the recipe for good sleep.  I still use the fan at night, with no direct heat in that room, turning the fan off if I wake a bit too cool inthe early morning.

Everything worked.  The bed has been made.  The clotted cream turned out as expected, as far as appearances can tell.  It has already been cooled, wrapped, and refrigerated.  The threequarter quart terrine I bought a few years back was perfect, though I realy should try a pate before long.  I'll check the pseudo creme fraiche in a bit, it just isn't thickening as it has/should.  It'll still work for some things but not all.  I suppose I could blend it with standard sour cream, but that... sort of ruins the notion.  I'll... contemplate on the tree of woe.  I am using active kefir instead of active buttermilk, but that should make it thicker!?!  Tree. of. woe.

About half.

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Less, actually.  A shower, no shave.  A good bit of cleaning in the visitor room, well a bit of tidying, a bit more sweeping, then mopping and rinse mopping.  All for naught.  I suspect I chased a bird off.  Not in anger, not to be mean either.  Just for peace of mind.  Peace for my mind.  Or not.  As suspicious as one can be, even if gifted/cursed with sight, certainty is not usually a grant, especially when dealing with dames.  I also changed the sheets, made the bed which is becoming nearly a daily, then took that and all other clothes back to be washed.

I am done for the day, save for making clotted cream perhap.  I have no butter and won't be up to being out for a bit.  Perhaps this will do.  If it isn't as hoped, next time I will use the whole cream to make butter.  I just want to try this.  Something to try by doing at least once before death, or the next death, certainly before the last one.  I'll need to see about a container, pyrex, that will give the desired depth, first making sure the oven will go low enough.  I do have pint jars to store the liquids, might even attempt scones with it.  I won't do jam, but I purchase low-sugar jams for rare treats.

A busy day.

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That is the hope.  A shower, shave, bedding change, as starters.  Laundry a bit later.  As well, doing more in the sitting room, what was the computer room.  It would be nice to finish it.  Or mostly.  If I get it cleared and clean, getting the leather love seat cleared, treated, and out there is part of the plan, but not quite possible today.  Food needs to be cooked, a pint of creme fraiche (a tastier sour cream) was started last evening.  I may make clotted cream (a fancy butter) over this next night.  Meats need roasted to mostly done, parted into portions, then wrapped until grilling or slicing for cold cuts.

I don't know.

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Strange thoughts, a song to match and music to go with other recent notions.  What does it all mean?  Not even my concern at the moment.  A nap is required first.

Almost regular.

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For several days , maybe a week or more?, waking at 5:00, give or take.  One day, for efforts, was off, but only by two.  I have two things that must be done, and a few things I would like to do.  Having a regular day helps, but isn't necessary after I learned a few tricks.  Day is only necessary for some business, yet is preferred.  Morning rambling, using writing to wake.  So dark lately, not helping.

Oh, when I deposited several checks from various returns I finally ordered a blade, tire chains, and a rear counter-weight kit for the cub cadet.  I am lucky snow hasn't hit yet, or to speak of.  It is supposed to arrive the 21st.  Then to install it.  It won't be needed most of the time.  However, I may use it to keep the sidewalks out back open, and clear a path to the coop and barn.  If that works well enough, maybe chickens in the spring.  That has been one of my main hold-offs.  Though I should check some things, town ordinances might have changed.  Oh, and I will build an auto-feeder and put an all-weather water system in... if all else checks.  Hmm, and winter would be a good time to clear wasp nests.

I am hoping to finish the computer room between today and tomorrow.  Not using it currently, so cleaning and shutting it off seems best.  Once completely clean and clear, mostly, I can begin fitting it, furniture wise, rightly for intended uses.  I would like to keep the girls out.  But it is the only room with accessible south-facing windows.  That it will be much cooler might discourage general play out there?  While they have their wonderfully lush winter coats they seem reluctant to use them.  I'll find out.

Another shower, maybe a shave.  Love those things, showers anyway.  Shaves?  When all is right and they go well.  While learning the razolution or such, shaving is akin to walking on plate ice.  Sometimes when wet.  Still, a bit of stupid bravado is required, even for old roosters, as a necessity of right man life.  Gotta strut right into sometimes.  Life without risk would be even worse than life without women?  Can't quite say that as some of my women were, probably still are even to me, dangerous.  I've seen death in the depths of some of their beautiful blinkers, and just smiled in taunt.  Shaving is sexy again, but there are limits.  A few more shaves and I'll know.  Taking plenty of time should help too.  -  Always read between the lines.

Some sleepers must sleep.

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Others not so much.

Good sleep is often a reward of work.

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So it was.  After the visit, though, that was that.  I do think I might finish that room yet this week.  No longer using it, so I may be able to clear, clean, and split into a minor office and visitor are, using a divider of some sort, a standing screen sort of thing.  I have always preferred small work areas when needing  to focus.  Yeah, cubicles have there purpose.

I even used the razorlution for the first time.  Ihave had it for years.  Was waiting unti I could use a regular double edge well first.  One hint?  Don't try a new sharp when pressed for time.  My face looked like it was in a one-sided fight with a cat, definitely the loosing side.  My first contact review is mixed.  Given the time push, I am not blaming the razor.  It got some angles a single blade just can't.  But some areas were as treacherous as a ghetto.  Experience may help, or it may simply be too large for sme areas.  Shave with it and I will give you three points for bravery and one or two for stupity depending on if you have experience with standard razors of that design.    

Mine has a mahogany handle.  Advice?  Hold on loosely but don't let go, or dance, while shaving.  Will be trying it for the next month, when I remember to shave that is.  And after my face grows back.  :p

No work today, probably.  I did work my feet though to.  With some lotion, I might keep them from becoming so rough.  I used a microplane, one for feet.  Amazed.  So much faster than pumice.  Worked the cuticles too.  Those can turn into barbed wire.  A few more things, then I can relax more, a few after that and I can sleep through the winter if needs be, other than weekly tracking, random visits, and calls home.

Hmm, pork, seered, and a glass of milk.  Best feed the girls first.  Later.

At it again.

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Guests arriving in a few hours.  A room is being prepared.  If nothing else I will know work was done in there.  Pork ribs have finished and are cooling.  Once cooled they will be cut into portions, wrapped, refrigerated until wanted, then seered on coals for that bacon-like finish.

A shower, shave, a bit more work, then after the visit, bills.  Worked up a good sweat, though that is much easier with the oven going.  Later.

Seven thirty, all is well.

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The hour became late before I took notice.  Sleep was not an option, observation would have had no affect.  Until a bit after midnight I played on.  At least when the realization dawned sleep was available.  For my cyclical sin, waking to an exquisite sort of headache was the price.  It was as if a long curved stilleto blade had been sent through from just above my left brow onto the center of my spine somehow, with great care to include every nerve and bundle possible.  Almost a migraine, probably muscular, fading as I wake.

Among my haul, fresh fruit.  Tig ol' gratefruits, red pears, and honeycrisp apples.  Red pears seem to hit and hold peak longer.  Their standard sisters go from too green to falling apart mush in days, here.  I would guess the reds are from closer?  Apples are always a bit of a gamble.  Depends when they arrived and their origin.  No fault on grociers.  It's just how it works.  To be honest I am amazed at their craft.  Might seem simple, humble, maybe mean.  But I, for one am grateful, impressed.  The honeycrisps, this time, were perfect.  Maybe a gratefruit first?  If it is too acidic I have meat in reserve, ready to heat.  Some citrus hits hard, especially if it's been a while.

Two bills to pay, another shower, a bit more work.  Then waiting.  After today I can sleep as needed.  In two weeks I will begin calling ssa once a week until I know what next.  Other than that hibernation.  Later.

Much done.

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The start was late.  As I was gaming and waking I was waiting for the world to lighten.  The sun has been out often lately.  I think in the mornings.  Not this one.  When it dawned on me that the crack of said wouldn't be bright and shiny I had to rush.  10:50 or something.  The post office closes at noon.  There is the other town, but other than neighbor and mrs. neighbor, the post officer is the only other human in a thousand plus miles who can vouchsafe my identity.  I bug the neighbors too much as is, so...  So I rushed.

I made it.  The second packet has been sent to social security.  I don't believe this will have any more effect than the other.  But it is done.  Then the checks for utilies were dropped.  Then to town.  Not enough to do the leaf thing.  A new rake, charcoal, and lighter fluid.  On to grocery shopping.  Chili sounds good, but I didn't want to mess with dry beans.  Still have to, but just for one kind, kidney.  I can do that.  Enogh food to, probably, last the month.

I wish I could clear and clean in here.  I just can't.  I have two bills to pay, then I am caught up.  Ugh.  I don't think I can talk.  If I get my voice back before bedtime... most likely tomorrow.  I'm good wit tomorrow. This I am sure about.  Argh!  Forgot butter!  That, milk, and meat are vital.  I've been eating three to five pounds a day, staying right at 264... go figure.  With the right water pill dose, finally, my weight doesn't vary more than a quarter pound.  Amazing, to me.

Good night.

Ugh.

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Nothing for days.  I continue medicine, food, a regularized day cycle if with extra sleep.  Nothing else.  I am gaming more.  Sometimes that is a negative.  Sometimes, as now, it is a good thing.  Without outside human pressures, gaming provides structure, instruction, even requires learning, adaptation, and provides an environment to potential be creative in which to explore if only virtually.  It also keeps the engine and transmission (?), mind and body, in idle.

Each new day I hope for more.  Today is no different.  I am hoping for a shower by 6:00, that is within two hours and change.  Zero's attack on right blog times remains, I belief.  That is another thing for a real pro-American government to fix.  He feared true information would get out, so created a time-stamp hold-off so they could "fix" something, then cover it up, in theory.  Doesn't work.  It's like calling the cops versus the speed of light, and the cops on that beat aren't exactly the cream of the crop, more Zerosons, men, loosely, who can't find real work.

On to waking and gaming.  Ugh.

Always tomorrow?

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As far as the mortal coil goes, to the extent ot it's awareness, yes.  When the last lights out happens it is no longer a, at least conscious concern.  Trust me on that one.  Well?  It's tomorrow!  Sort of.  Until the day officially starts it is right before tomorrow, another shot at another shot.  Not a morning man, though sometimes, at the right angle, as with the crack of dawn.  *looks askance*

I'll try the list for yesterday.  Sleep was better.  Down around 18:00, up around 4:00, add an half hour and sleep, while still short for recent norms, is more tolerable in every way. If I can get sleep to six to eight hours, and days to fourteen to eighteen, I can begin digging out.  Yeah, I know, would just be a short-term thing until the next crash.  Still, it's something to shoot at.

I'm prepping a roast, if another splatter of spaghetti and dose of raw milk might kick things off. Meds are down, heat is up, I think the plan has abetter start today.  I thought I had the heat up earl yesterday, didn't... if I am sure I turned it up.  Electrical hiccup?  Threw me, in any case. Today I am watchful, listening.  Tricky damned world while my environmental margins have reduced to that of the fiscal margins of a bum.

Good morning, Dawn.

Still stuck.

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Can't stick it out of neutral.  The engine lights.  Not sure what the problem is.  I'll keep at it.  I have enough food to load for a few days.  I have been eating, if more as a duty after that first meal.  At one time that pot of spaghetti and meat sauce was two, maybe three meals.  This one will be eight to ten meals, more if it doesn't go bad or become intolerable before, even then seemingly too much per meal.

Medicine and sleep, with food, and I hope to finish a few things.  Such dreams lately, and notions.  Really started wondering if death was knocking, closing in.  Maybe Dreamers sleep differently, maybe it is... lots of things, many perhaps most beyond mere science... being a tool limited to the observable, physical.  Those who limit themselves to such are, truly, retarded.  Not an insult just an understanding of limits.  Not an iq thing, a wholeness thing, like a spiritual colorblindness.  Anyway, do your best in any case.  You will know in less than a hundred years, some of you far less.

I actually believe I have three to more like four decades remaining.  They really should have been honest at the start.  A heart transplant would have been far cheaper.  I would have been dead within six years.  Fire those .gov/.mil bean counters.  :p  Of course they are still aiming for .gov medicine to weed my kind out.  I wonder, if incompetent care isn't fast enough, will they turn to outright genocide, or just legalize then shove doctor murder-suicide?  Glad they messed up their charts, but not out of spite.  It took a long time to... find the source of the Voice.  Kept rejecting where that kept leading.  Until I ran out of every last other option and reasonable objection.  Boy is God longwinded!

Did you know auto-fill won't do some words?  Suicide is one.  There are others.  Start logging them to see what history and politics are being hidden.  Google will end up making Weinstein seem like just a bad boy if their sins, literal, political, and social are ever explored with prosecution in mind.

Later.

A start.

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I was awake until after 20:00.  I can't be certain how much later.  I was only awake that late because I needed to eat.  I had to thaw hamburger, then cook it and pasta.  I wouldn't have been able to sleep without food.  I had started choking on hunger juices, created from long fasting and those bits of work.  Didn't eat near as much as expected, if I ate well enough.

Waking at 5:20, roughly.  Being forced to jumble my day that long, then sleep so late if also so short of a time comparatively has me a bit unsettled.  More food this morning.  I suspect I will have to slowly feed up to get going.  I won't be able to just shove through. Which means food is immediate priority.  Though I can do other small things on the side.  Charcoal, meat, maybe a few veggies for... color?  Blast if I know.

Dreams, no memories of them.  Good feelings though.  Sleep was good as well, just dragging from the forced shift.  I'll see what happens.  Another shower, a real shave, and making the bed in the next few hours?  All but guaranteed.  What then is the real question.  A nap might be needed and conducive to doing more, say a bit before noon?  The notion offers incentive to getting a few extra things done beforehand.  Good morning.  Later.

Not quite.

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I was sure I would be faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, and able to leap over tall buildigs with a single bound. Yeah, about that no food in a while thing.  I got a shower in.  I might yet shave, perhaps resetting dishes for another wash, but that is it.  Even that, a few days, week, without food and sleeping like that...  Thawing burger for a very meaty spaghetti dinner.  Barely walking, but I'll try to be closer to ready after tanking up.

Oh, I'll get there.  Monday will be a fresh start.  I am sure.  Just forgot some things.  Later or good night.  I suspect I'll be crashing rather than slipping gently to sleep.  Just gotta try to keep the day.  I've fought hard for it.  Be well.

Slow going.

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I expected a bit more umph.  I just did.  Sometimes I really can crawl out of my little grave and tackle the world.  The sense was there.  Fine, I'll go as fast as possible.  The dishes got the first hit and I prepped my whiskers for a real shave.  Working a blade through bushwire just isn't fun.  Tamed and shaving becomes almost a pleasure.  Those things and feeding the brats ended my battery packs.  Well, I am making my bed in the mornings now, and put cases on new pillows I just received.  Hey, it adds up.  :p

A quick post, a bit of gaming, then back to it.  A shower, shave, then to the post office and paying a bill.  Then else.  I forgot to turn the heat up.  That isn't the whole problem, if that will help.  Might have to eat soon.  It's been a while.  Yeah, that'll put a wrench in the machine.

My mother called.  Wisdom teeth problems, it got cold there, otherwise good.  Yeah, not all sunny and easy, but not all bad.  She is scheduling work for what she can fix and doing what she can to manage the rest.  I told her to expect a day or two of sun soon.  Special delivery.  Not sure about help with the wind, that goes with living in a continent sized valley!  *grin*

Later.

Getting somewhere.

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A muscle headache, on waking, typical of cycle shifting.  Awake until after 17:00, as good as memory goes.  At least an half hour beyond, maybe several hours beyond. Short-term memory becomes as a mosquito finding itself on the windshield of a car at speed... minding it's own business, then spots an asshole it is sure it should recognize, then lights out.  Meds, anacine, a bit of reading, writing, gaming, and waking first.  Then new and old plans.

Old plans?  Paperwork and bills, a few added, new month.  New?  A leaf barrel, more bags, several rakes to try things, and a few pieces of hardware.  Leaves are back.  I want to give them a go.  I need to do dishes in the way, shower, shave, and such first.  Did I get better?  No, I don't think so.  A bit of sun the last few days, and a slight nudge from a netizen neighbor, which I will share.  Because friends do that.

I wish I could more truly share my dreams.  Not that I have fears, less so in the long run, if concerns for order and right chaos until balance must be surrendered to the war between those.  Attrition, in essence, of life against itself.  I still don't think... no, it is understood.  Hubris, pride really.  I remember my own hand in that.  I know how the story ends, the main one and mine.  The haggling, marshalling, war, and attempts at "peace", and all else must be endured, I finally see, for the hope of salvation for the largest number of souls.  It, at times, seems such a dreadful hope.  Then again so did homework... until the pop-quiz.

Back to waking.  Good morning, while I am at it.  Go get em'.

Mostly new.

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Won't suggest.  A future, mere worry of others, just more of the ethereal?

Dreams of the sort to be cherished.

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A few folk suspect some things.  Asked if charging into the middle of things was wise?  I think only for some, for the results most hope.  Most prefer to survive.  Just because one ends up surviving to some point (at least beyond the last such event) doesn't mean living was an objective.  As well, the past doesn't predict the future.  If you face impossible odds, however, I still suggest a full onslaught.  You would be amazed at the outcome.  Win, lose, or draw, you will become a hero, even to hated enemies.  Surrender your life willfully, before any battle but really as a function of militant occupation, then become living war... or just stick with brick laying, lawyering, or such... but don't do that meekly either.  This doesn't apply to women.

Never a soldier, always a warrior, dreams...  I had hoped for a beautiful death.  Looks like infirmity or age is most likely.  Though who knows, an old wolf might seem game to a pack of antifa, and one might sneak behind while the rest of it's hive is being crushed.      

Charging death might well get you dead.  Or it will get you to your next hot meal, hot shower, sleep, r&r, or even home or final home.  Oh, and spit on any politician, businessman, or citizen who disrespects real men.  It is odd how some men just can't seem to... get lucky.  Almost makes one wonder, when there is the whole of time to do so.

That wasn't the whole of it.  Women, all around, touching, but in chastity.  I am still not ready for such.  Still far too alive.  Even so it seems a great gift, honor, to have the veil of tears rent, then to be allowed succor from sister saints, and to be able to know that rightly, at least for a while, if only there.  Seventy two virgins?  No!  All of them.  And they remain so, at least in the house of whispers.  Am I dying?  I don't think so.  So strange.

Later.

Perfection?

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That isn't the currency available.  Good to bad, say ten increments on each side with zero as the fulcrum.  Of course an old bull may not pace a young one, if what the old Brahman might know could counter speed in his favor.  Still, condition and potential within the x, y, z, and other holy design restrictions need to be given their dues.

Hmm?  Oh, I mean it is noon, I am still awake and rather aware, if I don't seem to be getting anywhere with regards to work, physical efforts.  The list is on my mind.  I will do what I can when I can.  Dark days are doing what they do.  Still, it looks like I might dig out shortly.

The strange dreams and daydreams persist.  Don't think you get them.  Some, in retrospect, seem to indicate things, or potentially.  Things they don't, at all, as I have reviewed and considered.  Then again...  I have it on good authority a cleaved head no longer plots.  Choices?  Yeah.  *grins*

I'll attempt to push my day along.  What might be helping is that I rembered to invert medication, taking night meds in the morning (when I am actually going to bed) and morning pills at night (as I wake).  This helps with usefulness and effect.  The meds that make me tired work better when I am going to sleep anyway, even in the morning.  And some wonder why I am, or seem, confused all the time.

I am continuously required to recalibrate on the fly, while falling through fog, mostly asleep, half on and off meds, with detractors and enemies at every turn.  Hell, I can't even die and my enemies are more ballless than I dare dream, and that is the male ones.  I expect only backstabbing from women, it's mostly all they can really muster.  Hrumph!  Ha!  That'll get me through a few more hours?  Either way it was fun.

Leveling or evening?

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Not always certain which term is better understood or more correct, those are different mind you.  If your audience is regular folk, understanding is the way.  If it is a literary or scholarly crowd, then specific terms, phrases, and uncommon even academically contorted linguistics is the way to go.  I seem to have a crosssection of visitors.  Wait.  I reject, at the very least, modern academic efforts toward clever, sage, separation methods.  Concise and plain, within my capacity and the limits of the subject matter is my aim.  Hmm?  Oh, just reboot considerations.

What is being admitted is that I don't know which term to use.  Sleep is becoming regular.  The cycles aren't normal, in that sleep is taking twelve to fourteen hours a day, sometimes more.  No naps though. Waking is, perhaps eight to ten hours a day.  Not as I'd have it, still better than it has been.  Leveling, evening, or is there a better way to write it?

As well, sleep is allowing actual rest.  As dark as it is, though, even being more rested is still limited.  As well as things are going I am hoping to catch my winter second breath and climb back to work, perhaps play as well.  Snowshoeing, for example, to seek potential camp sites.  Yeah, I know, however... I sleep with my bedroom windows open a crack.  I only need to make sure I have decent sleep gear, am out of the wind, and that I am not in an avalanche lane.  Oh, and I need enough food to go at the pace that I can reasonably expect, and know how to start and maintain fire out there.  The rest is what it is.

Hmm?  Don't know much else for now.  Later.

Something nears.

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At times it is sleep.  In these times it is another... existence. While my body may rest I do not.  A shadow of light has no shadow.  Never alone.  No worries.

Such odd gifts, or curses... threats.

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Could just be incidence.  Odd videos. Meaning?  Some draw my interest.  I don't share all.  I don't think... I probably share too much as is.  Sometimes, if there is enough recurrence, and maybe a fit if just in my mind, I split it out in spite of you.  So be it.

Some notion of how it will be.  I think even some of them are getting it.  Some don't believe, suspect what was always will be.  I think this was to suggest that, to me, to all.  After seeing it pop far to often, and in the wrong places I gave it a view.  Had to laugh.  Apparently they aren't long-time consumers, or they thought I wouldn't remember?  Oh, I had to laugh.

This is as it was, is, and will be.  Until it isn't.

Didn't I just? But, but?

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Doing third shift is odd.  I have been trying to tag day and date.  Actually this has been an aspect of my health improvement since they admitted what was wrong and started treating the heart.  In the worst of times my efforts fail.  Memory simply will not work.  Lately, even with the level of exhaustion, I have been able to keep up.  Still, especially when just waking, and on the late schedule, going to bed on Monday and waking on Monday can cause gears to grind, until awareness, a grin, then a couple of hoots explode as I catch being the butt of my own joke.

I haven't been working.  I can barely game.  I'll probably not be eating for a while again either.  Oh, I am hungry, I just can't get to cooking.  No worries, this is sort of what I needed, wanted, to happen.  It might be accidental fasting but it will do.  I have stuff, food, if...  I won't die.  I have gone more than a month before,much longer.  Perhaps a skinny average man could only go a month.  Ogers can go longer.  Surprisingly don't lose much weight. How active one is, of course, would make a difference.  I will mostly be sleeping, so.

Not much else.  Another shower?  Sure.  I have my plants in there still, they love the heat and steam almost as much as I do.  Later.

That was wild.

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Shortly after waking to a nothing burger sort of existence I crashed.  Did I sleep for two or four hours, six?  I am guessing on the shorter edge of the range.  It, it's brevity not of consequence, was one of the most restful in some time.  The fog has lifted, partly, for moments.  I may return to rest before long, if I may be able to do just a few tasks first.  Catching a sense of being rested makes the tangle with sleep worth the fuss, and loss of time.

Saw a musical statement. Turned it into a question, and answered it.  Lost?

Awake for what it matters.

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Was it snowing today, last night?  I don't think I ever got out of bed, but I remember seeing it, being out in it.  It didn't seem like a dream though.  I can't say.  It didn't seem to be sticking, I'll look later anyway.  Sleep isn't doing much for me.  I wake feeling like a fish out of water.  Perhaps semi-amphibian, just enough to not die.  And dreams.  No pain, just... difficult to explain.

I will keep at it.  If nothing is done it won't be for lack of will.  When I can remember... anything.  I have been eating and mostly taking meds, it's just the season.  I'll either get through it sooner or because of spring.

Another lefty shooting?  Keep it up and it won't just be foreigners who will have to go, but atheists and leftists too.  Read that half of millenials wish to live in socialist/communist countries.  While I believe that number is far too high, even if it isn't, I believe the rest of America agrees.  This isn't one of those countries.  There are two in hitchhiking range, and if you sell all your capitalist crap you could probably afford to go almost anywhere.  I also believe, if you would denounce citizenship irrevocably, some of us might pitch in to... help you OUT.

What to do?  A meal, I can't think beyond that quite yet.  Later, perhaps.

I don't understand.

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Thinking to myself, not really looking, gifted a vid that is uncomfortably close.

Sleep.

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Not a nap, not a full sleep cycle, enough sleep to attempt approaching consciousness.  Maybe doing a few things, like cleaning flat surfaces in the kitche, sorting a few areas, nothing grand, just some minor chores.  I am thinking all flat surfaces, the oven, and finally under the sink... a complete underhaul.  Maybe.  It is the plan.  First to eat, wake, shower, and?

Starting from the start, food and turning up the heat.  That way I am digesting while waking, warming from several sources internal and external.  When you become an old diesal engine, one needs every trick available.  I'll be cautious about food volume this time.

Raining off and on.  While wonderful for sleep always a concern this time of year.  Turning to snow isn't so bad, freezing is.  No matter what the news says, until you know yourself you can't know.  Usually this sort of cocern is shorter lived unless one lives in a border area or has a freak weather event or year.  I live were it generally gets and stays frozen, mostly.  Getting colder, too, it seems.

Later.

Mostly nothing.

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No pain, few sensations, a bit sleepy, good though.  This is as accidentally transcendental as I can get.  In these times, with some medication, more or less regular food, pets for company, and a few other things going well, for me, I am usually wide awake in these events.  No pain, no fear, no connection to flesh, yet a capacity to act if needed, directed, driven by others, self, or right demand.  I have to assume this is passive Zen, but could become active, even retaining the personal nothing.  While no longer an adherent of this as religion, I do recognize this point as some level of the goal from my time in that school of belief.  Interesting, I am better at it out than as a practitioner.

Dinner was had.  A bit to much.  Not from hunger,  I merely ate in obligation to flesh.  Overconsumption occured because I could not sense anything while eating so continued without thought.  If the fog continues I will attempt to... focus, stop at a certain point.  After days of nothing, then just cabbage, I don't think it should be a problem.

Nothing fancy.  I simply can't focus.  I think I am a bit worn, tired, as well.  I won't do much.  A shower, shave, maybe one load of laundry... and spot treating some shirts?  Hmm, I wonder if that was the cause of one off several rolled eyes lately.  I chuckle if so, men are, well, spotty.  Not sure it will work.  Shirts of a certain age just... die?  Might have to replace.

Oh, just a spot I think fits.  Later.

That hurt.

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Down at 13:00 and some.  Knocking woke me at 15:00 plus.  Those hard starts after long rough wake cycles are a bit harsh.  Couldn't seem to calm back down to sleep plus I was hungry.  Veggies don't quite do it.  Still I never actually woke up.  Hope I wasn't rude, didn't say anything off color.  I suppose, as often as I am asleep at the hoof, that I am not in jail probably means something rather profound.  Being that tired isn't far from being inebriated, sometimes beyond it... no impulse control.  I must have burned impulse control right down to raw animal layers.  But... how, who, or What?  Is God a Who or a What, or both?  I am going with both.  Laws, truth, real science, etc. are aspects?  Then there is the Being, in the Trinity.  Anyway...

I woke a little early.  Probably hungry.  I roasted beef, heated cabbage at the end, finally getting real food.  Crashing again.  I'll sleep as needed then shower, shave, and take most of the day off.  Putting the bill in is the only goal.  I realized something is missing with ssa paperwork, a witness signature.  I'll have figure out how to break in and reseal, as well as arranging a witness to sign.  Sleep, again, first.  Sure enjoed dinner.

Yes, yes, no!

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The day was escaping.  I kept the plan in place.  It got too close to noon for the little plan, while the bigger plan collapsed under the weight of being up so late.  Even so I finally completed the paperwork.  Well, maybe not every last syllable, no.  As much as I knew.  Then on to bill paying.  I caught up with the first check, then intended to write enough for a year or two per month.  Owp.  Not enough checks for two quarters, so a big one next month to keep nearly six months clear, until checks arrive.  But to remember?  Gah, this piecemeal world is annoying.

No, while complete (fingers crossed behind back) they won't get out today.  But I am getting there.  Tomorrow, perhaps Sunday, maybe Monday.  It will be done to be good as soon as it can be.  Just... hold on.  Crashing, hard.  Good night, day.

Hungry and more.

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It has been a while since I ate, I think.  I set meats to thaw, they haven't.  I knew of cabbage and cauliflower in the fridge, but those are old, weeks not days.  Still, hungry.  The cauliflower was off, lightly but clearly.  The cabbage?  A knife, several layers down, more out of caution, and golden.  I sampled the hearts to be sure.  All good.  Halved each head, each half into thirds, and steamed.  Butter makes even a vegetable edible.  Nothing fancy just something.

A shower, first thing after waking last night.  A good thing too.  It can be embarrassing to seem hale yet unkempt.  I almost wish health matched appearance.  Then again if some things suggested herein have a mustard seed of truth...  As mentioned, this eve was no failure, well, other than my standard in that area.  Some don't fancy ogers.

I will be hitting paperwork and the bill shortly.  The bill shouldn't be a problem.  The paperwork has me twitching.  The government is simply often evil in this regard.  I'll know more in a bit.  I honestly wonder if even they know how to fill out their own paperwork with even a dim understanding of the whole or even partial whys.  Anyway, the goal is to do both and get them out.  Ugh, ackh, and other such.

As well, getting several bags of cowboy charcoal.  Perhaps a few groceries as well.  Love salsa on crisped meat.  Pork is best but beef isn't bad.  The cabbage will be a fine add, mostly with beef, though I like trying... different.  Later.

Oh, a few tunes of near blogage yore surfaced a few layers down.  I... just... want to float them, hear them for a bit.  Nothing trauma-inducing, or at least not coming at you at the speed of pain, if one always sneaks up on me.

Interesting.

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That was fast.  Never can tell who, though it fits the now invisible target's potential for a response.  I would be impressed were that to prove true.  Perhaps another who tags well and who has learned to almost skip to my rhythm, rope... game.  Yes, whatever else the case, interesting.  Wonderful.

Perhaps not just, still, a girl?

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Not that it matters.  Only that when a supposition is proven wrong, or perhaps in this case changes, some smaller or larger... enjoyment might be entertained.  The cage for a chaste, in soothe, muse seems to have grown too small, or weak, to contain.  A bit surprised.  Most who make that leap lack the strength to expose their new station, merely playing along, for old times or other sake.  Not this one, at some surprise.  I may have to take her seriously, treat her a bit... different.  Letting her in rather than holding her purely in place.  If only as I would grown female kin.

Relationships are... like music.  The depth, pitch, tone, and all else need to fit.  One who believes they are good at such, or just enjoys rightly, learns which to play for whom, and when.  As the relationship or person changes, so must the music.  Will probably never see her again as advised here many times and in many ways.  Still, if so, she will be treated as a solid adult, female adult so with certain extra levels of civility, of course.  Given and expected, both ways, in right civility.

I did see a bit of rolling of eyes, some doubts, and a few rejections.  Some of it was fair.  Treating a young lady as a child and... fair.  Some of it?  While I keep things simple in some company, even with my native dark origins, nature, my faith and some simplicity to it shouldn't be doubted.  My stories aren't fabrications either.  Sleep has been inducing my native if sometimes lost uncanny healing, removing even scars.  Of course, when reaching that first step as an adult we all think, at once, we know truth in certainty.  It is both good and sad to see that stage.

Beware.  Blind hubris, certainty, will truly lead you to the assuance that you can't know.  Even love, in your time, will prove to be well over your head, more so if true and right.

Mixed.

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After the nap I realized heat was needed.  I don't think that would have excluded the nap.  I think it salvaged some of the day.  Laundry, two loads through, the last in the dryer.  Won't wait for it, will check to make sure it is drying. Not sure why,but it seems to conk out occasionally, or not start when I tap the button.  Then I mussed with dishes.  A couple cycles and that portion is dried and put up.

I called my mother too.  Just because.  Al good, mostly.  A smattering of snow out there.  Not much, yet.

Why not paperwork and bills?  They would just sit if I couldn't get out.  No shower and I would be stuck.  So, it had to be this way.  Those are next, including getting those were they need to be.  Should happen next wake cycle.  I had hoped to shower this time. It just didn't fit.  A bit of shopping though.  Always a few items at the first of the month, light though, until my income is sorted.

Good night and morning.

Well?

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Nothing.  I am gaming more.  To some that is a bad thing.  To those who have experienced catatonia it is fantastic.  To escape the black hole of pure thought, or the even less of the blankness only Zen might rightly describe, is very good.  Sleep occurs as it does, as it must.  I don't, can't, arrange, resist, choose when to sleep or wake.  It is erratic but seems to have found a pattern that has somewhat stabilized.

While I don't attempt to control sleep, having been burned a few too many times recently, I make every effort to find ways to work.  The chances are slim, success is rare, the price can be high.  I hate having to crash before finishing a whole project, or even a leg of it.  Laundry, as an example, can be spooky.  Have you ever forgotten laundry in the wash?  Nasty, fast.  If I can't be sure to get it into the dryer, I will hold off.  Hmm, actually I think I can... just the bedding from last week and a few towels.  Plus, if that doesn't get folded right away it's not an issue.  Wrinkled clothes, to me, are not cool(to within my capacity).  Sheets can be wrinkled... actually sheets are wrinkled even when I carefully fold them (fitted)!  Still, alone and mostly dead means being a beggar of sorts... beggars can't be choosy, not always.  The rules.

The main problems are focus and memory.  Until I acclimate to the dark and cool, that just won't change.  And small amounts of work exhaust quickly while recovery takes longer.  I need to prioritize much more precisely, if the aforementioned difficulties complicate that plan.  Still have to try.  May need a nap already.  Oh, a spat of bloody noses reminded me of medicine.  I reset the dispenser yesterday, starting that back up.  I do try.  I actually believe in this medicine for the first time in my life.  Mostly.  It might not be perfect, or as much as might be best, but it is helpful and as much as I can do.  I'll take it when it is within my ability.

Yeah.  Laundry after the nap, then paperwork and a bill.

Another rough go.

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Yesterday, last night, this morning, third shift/watch?  Call it what you will, for as long as is what it was, it was difficult, harsh.  Neither could I sleep nor truly wake, work well, or even game.  I had a list of things to do as well as a few projects not in the ledger.  Buying candy, for example.

Halloween snuck up on me.  I hate missing out on that.  Far from a grump, I enjoy giving treats out, seeing rugrats doing something different, and just enjoying the show.  They, in good or hard times, are our future.  Paying some small tribute, as well, seems... wise.  Not this tear.  I don't dare keep candy in stock.  I'll keep at it.  Failure isn't an option, it is a guaranteed result unless you quit trying.  Just not every time in every way.

Still rough, though it might be improving.  I was able to force washing the dishes and setting them back up twice, finishing two bean dish types and finally storing them, barely.  I hate going through all that work, not putting the food away, then having to toss.  Sometimes I honestly have no choice.  It galls, remembering such while my insides feel to be self-cannibalizing from lack of food.

I do hope to do the paperwork and finish dishes tonight.  If a few other tasks are finished, all good.  A shower is planned too.  I don't want to overdo, which might not take much as things are.  I need to get out soon.  Ugh.  Things are nearing a completion level which might allow longer states of sleep without the horror of knowing major problems remain.  Rest and healing.  I need to heal in the dark and cold.  Perhaps it has been too long.  Time will tell, though just from what I have had my arms have healed amazingly.  Having cats, with untrimmed claws, means occasional nicks.  With healing being off and slow, some had turned to scars.  With the sleep my arms, save very fresh marks have healed.  Even most of the scars are gone with the few remaining greatly diminished.  Nice to know that uncanny healing, to a degree, remains.

Hmm, now for a meal.  Later.

So close.

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Much done.  While I didn't get the beans put up, they weren't quite done when I had to sleep, I turned off the heat, put on a heavy lid, and woke to perfect beans, still fresh.  A few times ago at the grocery store I found diced ham, marketed as pizza topping.  In eight ounce packages, selling at pound prices.  No bone, prediced, worth a shot.  I had two packets of that thawing while I slept.

Not sure if two is too much yet, since I use beans that way, with burger for burritos, and maybe in chili.  What I can say is that, to me, it is well worth the coin.  Heck yeah I like it all butcher or otherwise fresh, then homecooked and processed.  As any actual right homemaker will tell you, that simply isn't possible.  It isn't just for time, effort.  We all have certain chores... Working a blade through cold meat, after cooking, cooling, deboning, for some of us, can end up being a showstopper.  Okay, I am finally getting that.  Can do sometimes for some things, but on this dish I beg the onus be lifted.  Delicous, add in cheese and fresh diced onion, tops.  Sour cream, whole cream, creme fraiche, or such, and a spice or herb such as fresh chive?  Don't force, just if you happen to have a dab, dot, or dash.  Make do and more, God is a gifting Host.

Sleep was great.  Pushing four hours through eyes hurting to near tears, the work, the satisfaction, or some combination brought deep good sleep.  I worried, as I was crashing, if it would get hot and torment my slumbering mind.  A shriek of worry as I was swallowed by the dark vortex, far from any means of doing a thing about it.  A shrug, to let the worry go, right before Zen was accomplished.  It worked out.  If it got too hot I didn't notice.

Chipping the list.

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Not always what was planned.  A new set of dishes given a first shot and new soak.  They weren't terribly dirty but they were greasy, popcorn bowls and the like.  I hate that sort, but I can't beat the foods and treats.  Fats, salt, sugar, or some mix or it is just food.  Just food is fine mostly, not always.  The trash and recycling was gathered and taken out, only the trash was rolled to the curb, not enough recycling to bother with.  I set beans to soak.  Every time I realized they needed drained, refilled, then set to cook, I'd go looking for the collander, fail, and forget what I was about then go do something else.  I finally realized I really either had to get to it or toss the beans.  While I'd rather be in bed... yeah.  Three to four hours of cooking, cooling enough to store, then putting them up before sleep.  Who knows, maybe I'll rip into the dishes a time or two more.

I also set up a new old game.  Another shot at Fallout 4.  I had to find and reinstall the dlc for some reason.  I also purchased the last two dlc packages as the game suggested that was necessary to install mods.  No matter, Bethesda.net has been impossible to log into.  I can't get in through the game or via the ps4 browser.  Did they yank ps4 mods?  Are they server bankrupt, maybe on the weekends?  I sent queries, tried other methods to get through, nothing, not even a canned response, nothing.  I'll keep trying if I just play without for now.  It stinks that I waited so long even after mods finally came through, and still, really, nothing.  *sigh*

I attempted to call my mother.  No answer.  I did leave a message for once.  Later or good night.

Very rough.

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The last three sleep cycles, just today, have been harsh. Waking to pain, bumping pain while sleeping, and seemingly unable to find a comfortable position in which to sleep.  Waking for the third time today I may have found the problem.  It is rather warm.  That messes with my hibernation sequence.  I'll bet bears wake grumpy if the temps are too high early on.  Bios aren't fast start devices, not meant to be.

I will keep an eye on it.  I sleep best, always, at 64 and cooler, leaving my room open in the winter.  Not sure how cold it gets, though below freezing outside the covers is common.  The only downside is the chill if getting up for any reason.  Under the covers I produce enough heat for two.  Women still don't like it because of the eventual requirement for a chill.  I may use the ac if it gets too warm.  The fan isn't enough.

Oh, dreams.  Have you ever raced a woman to get undressed?  I have.  I had almost forgotten.  Urhm, more than once.  My what wonderful fun.  Sometimes helping her, tripping, high art vaudevillian slapstick.  Sex is good, great if you arrange it and for it.  But everything else around it is what I remember most.  Gosh, what memories.  Enough to convince a man to fall in love again... not just the sex, but don't exclude that.  The smiles, laughter, shared and mutually satisfied hungers, play, and moments of weight.  The dreams were all good that way, if the bittersweet hits as I write.  Some things can't be uncoupled.  Just remember to enjoy the events, smile, laugh, tease and more.  You'll get much more mileage.

I have a bit of good news on the food end of things.  Problem is loose lips sink ships.  Lets just say an old want has been satisfied.  I am truly not a foodie, merely a classic consumer, some suggest from before my time.  I'll leave the reasonableness of the various sides of that notion for others to  discuss.  I know nothing if I am very suspicious.  Debate even that as you will.  Or chill with a glass of milk and a grin for all I care.  I am.

Yeah, painpills.  Sleeping in heat is terrible.  At least I probably figured it out.  Just wasn't expecting it to get this warm again.  Later.

A short.

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Dishes and more.

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Love it when a bit more gets done.  Dishes, a final wash, rinse, drying, and putting away.  The plants were looking a bit sad, so into the shower.  A nice slightly warm shower, then I'll leave them curtained in for an overnight sauna.  They always love that.  Cat litter was tended if I keep up on that well enough, if it still smells wrong too often anyway.  Finally, I changed the bedding.  I will be setting my linen closet up in the shorter run.  I have three quilts, a dozen various blankets, and three winter sheet sets.  I am going for weekly sheet changes, perhaps every other week, and monthly to quarterly 'other' change-outs.  Oh, yeah, quite nice.

I am back in the market for pillows.  One clue?  Don't go cheap.  Some of that is dangerous even for an adult.  Though I don't think down or feather is the way either, not just for cost, but I have spent small fortunes and not found comfort.  Still looking, seems  to be hit or miss, but better overall odds somewhere closer to a lower middle.  Then again, when you have a big form the world simply doesn't fit.  A humbling thing for those born with extra built in features resistant to how God would have it?  I take it that way.  Gladly since that is my intended direction.  And it could be worse.  Actually I have it too good.  I just can't do much about it, not without a correct crutch.

Hmm?  Right.  That is it for work.  Tonight... or this wake cycle.  Early morning can also be considered late night, is that not so?  I do have the trash consolidation plan mapped. The checkbook is ready.  The paperwork is located.  A shave, with the trimmer might be done yet so another shower and wet double edge shave will happen more easily tomorrow.  Restarted?  I... never know.  So tired lately, even awake, I can't always remember what I wrote while I am writing it.  I... think I meant it.  If I offend?  Wait until I am better, able to fully wake.  Oh, right.  To thank me.  *rictus grin*

Good night.  Again?  Off my damn porch!

Awake.

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Slow.  Woke a bit ago.  Split about whether to go back to sleep or figure out how to get busy.  I believe I will give the dishes a final wash shortly either way.  If I can keep going, I'll change bedding, get the trash and recycling ready, the consider paperwork and the bill.  That may all get split into two parts, or not.

I have actually been off enough I haven't been able to game.  Not enough focus.  It's becoming more difficult to wake and stay awake.  Yeah, dishes then back to bed... saw my shadow.  Later.

How nice.

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Dishes.  One wash, then set aside so a shower could happen.  Almost forgot.  No shave but the shower was greatly enjoyed.  When I say 'we', sometimes that is even more literal, even when not.  You have to go guru to fully understand.  Not saying I am good as gurus go, or some hermits, merely that I can be every bit as divested of fleshly concerns.  In an half hour I will fill the dishes for another wash.  I won't finish them, but this minor success should help with that.  And another shower.  No meal out, but I was able to kick something out.  Hopefully, if I continue, a meal out is in the very near cards.

I even struck upon the starter fluid for another of my... hopefully thoughtful... myth posts.  Not sure I can pull it together and off?  It's in my craw so I will try to smoke it cold.  See what I did there?  That is a preview.  Now get off my damn porch!  Unless you have a pipe.  :p

Good night.  Or such.

Incredible sleep.

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Sometimes a few hours, usually a full eight, with twelve hours balancing the few hours to form a rough bell curve if charted as blind data points.  While once in a great while I wake sore, I haven't needed painpills.  The aches end quickly.  This last time might be an exception.  I hold off taking anything for as long as possible.  I hate pills.

I haven't gotten to anything.  I keep trying tricks, ploys, system standards and emergency configs, it just doesn't work.  I will try higher heat, painpills, the promise of food, and just the satisfaction of success this time.  I really don't have much else.  If I can get a few things sorted I can just go to sleep as wanted, or needed.  These times used to fix diabetes.

So much for the gum though.  I think all of them are soy based.  I'll use them up but not resupply.  Research on this device is a pain.  Still, for the moment it is what I have.  One type will justbe tossed.  It tastes like that aquatic smell common to medium to large rivers and lakes.  Nasty.  I tried four brands, most claimed no soy.

The goal is dishes, a shave and shower, and a meal.  I am done with eggs.  I have tried generic of several sorts, store brands, uncaged and on into organic brands.  Either eggs have gone bad through feed, they are all selling really old (or very fresh?) eggs, or my system can no longer tolerate eggs.  Something is wrong.  It's the only food that is problematic so I am suspecting suppliers.  It's been that way for a while.  I am just, finally, surrendering to reality.  Chinese feed?  Too large of farms?  What I simply can't say.  I'll miss eggs, not the upset I get no matter the cost.

They really are turning America into China/Russia.  Just surrender, get used to poisonous food, no rule of law, and a government that hates you, bringing foreigners in to replace you, even socially and religiously (or irreligiously).  How many of you even get it.  With the Flakes flaking out... Not sure if that will work, or for certain if that will end up better.  Still it is a vector of change which has... potential.  If Reagan had such a movement?  Some say he did, I had my doubts even then.

Later.

Such strange patterns.

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A few vids.  New to me, some of them.  Wanted to ignore, some have too much drawing power.  That, and in spite of being new to me, kept populating.  Not in my viewed area, which makes there recurring pops even stranger.  Did I make a right call about the wrong one?  Or did my correct call wound, to her as if to slay?

Sore from sleeping.

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Not much choice.  The plan is still a go, bits of effort between crashes.  A few things were set up but failed.  I started again a bit ago.  Dishes were set to a hot fresh soak.  I am waiting for them to cool enough and for me to wake more fully.  If I can get that done, a shower and good shave.  I might use the trimmers shortly, first... makes a close razor shave much easier and better.  I've turned the heat up a bit extra hoping that might help.

After that a shower and shave, turning the heat way down, letting my hair dry, then crashing again.  The next chance, depending on the time, I'll hit either some paperwork and the bill or get in to town for some minor shopping.  Not sure if I can work every wake period, but that is the goal, at the very least until I have the major priorities managed.  Muscles and bones are a bit out.  Anacin, by the handful, until I finish.

Dark dreams.  Happily just of monsters.  They sometimes mistake me for one of you.  Have you ever seen the look of horror on a monster's face?  If so, you are welcome, potentially.  I really enjoy these sorts.  Even so, from what I have learned from Father, best to just do what is good, leaving off the well of hunger far before drowning in it.  Some hungers cannot be sated, will end in the living death, no matter the intent.  Still, I can enjoy their terror when they see truly.  *grins*