Another day, another chance.

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Thursday?  Good.  I was thinking it was Friday.  There are things I hope to do before the weekend.  Not sure it's  possible, but a day is a chance.  When sleep arrives while groggy beyond reason what day it is or will be upon waking just doesn't always work out as it might seem.  More so when wave after wave of off days and nights batters the senses.  It is amazing that I am tending the girls, medicine, amd food.

I am fasting again, daily fasting.  Because of the fog I usually eat one meal a day.  Some of the pain, as I remember from the last time I fasted, is from internal shuffling.  It isn't that I am losing too fast, mostly.  It is that my body hasn't been in this size territory in thirty years.  Organs, connective tissue, muscle, and fat all has to try to puzzle itself all together again, and on a still changing area.  Add in extra long sleep sessions which put that under extra stress and, well, things will hurt.

Why try to lose weight?  To be honest that is not even one of the actual goals, merely a potential side effect.  The real goals are to control, perhaps eliminate, diabetes... again, affect heart rate and pulse, and otherwise improve health.  Medicine won't do it, neither would surgery.  Modern Western medicine is a partly controlled death, not a way to health.  You have to choose health, work for it, know when and regarding what to trust your medical employees, then go from there.  Do your own research.  Would you go to a clothier and just tell them to dress you?  People wonder why they can't afford doctors but do that very thing.  Doctors pretty much just sell pills.

The pain often goes shortly after getting up.  The fog seems to last, never fully lifting.  Wait, I think the last time I was fasting I researched brainfog.  There was a couple of vitamins, a ketone starter mix, and...  Yeah.  I'll round that stuff up and begin using.  I don't think it will help with pain, but that is far less of a problem than a semipermanent daze.  I want to get to some work and projects.  Love working when possible.

The dress shoes don't fit. I'll need to return those, trying a 13 in one of them. I hate buying shoes.

Later.  Actually it might be naptime.

Had to laugh.

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While youtube has locked up, for the most part, sjw's push a volley through.  It was based on me not being wed.  Thing is, for a man, being single isn't a major issue.  Even as ill as I am I get through.  I'll never go through menopause, become as weak, or even become invisible (ask any women at the tale end of middling, if she has superior genes).    I can still flirt with college aged women on up, I am noticed.

I'm attempting to imagine the type of females and males who would be happy about such: females first; middle aged divorcees, women with no prospect for whatever reason, and young women who have been in the easy lane and are just about to hit the fork... going into the difficulties of life with a chance at risky success or staying with the easy life until prospects are gone; the male side are the guys who will never get to see a woman once, possibly not without paying for it.

It is funny.  Women who can't give it away or who haven't learned yet, and guys generally considered below giving it to.  Dogs end up higher on the ladder.  Laugh as they may, even if that can be counted as a failure, along with my illness, I have a far superior life.  I even have children, by women who wanted them and really with exactly me, not even just one, nice looking in that time.  I do feel for those like that.  Even their attacks merely show how terrible, miserable, sad, their lives are.

So much for a nap.

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I didn't do all planned before the nap.  I didn't sleep as early as planned.  I did get several tasks completed, including a few that weren't on the list.  There is always more to do and often more to tasks than what can always or easily be anticipated.  Which is fine.  What was it I heard?  Ah, yes.  If you find yourself in hell, keep going.  While this is decidedly not hell, it is as close to it as I would like to be.  So? So keep walking!  * shakes head*

At 5:30 Ifinally went down.  Pain has been rare and mild.  Fog is here but not a complete shutout.  I am rested, fed, medicated, and well.  I thus thought it would be a nap.  Thirteen hours later and I am just waking.  Intense dreams, alighter sleep, but all good save minor body aches from laying too long.  Those usually pass quickly, especially if I can get to work, which is probable.

I finally discovered what MGTOW means, beyond the words.  No, that isn't my deal.  I simply didn't find wifely material both of us could agree upon and I realize time is up.  If I had a correct diagnosis I would have been married.  I passed up some very good options specifically because they told me wrong.  I have no problem with men who are dropping out, or women.  Especially seculars.  If sex is just for pleasure marriage is foolish.  Perhaps, for many men, they honestly can't afford a woman, alone, definitely not with children, in more ways than financial.  Some of them seem seriously sour grape sorts, been there done that even having sampled... broadly.  I finally can afford but it's too late.  So it goes.  Now I know though.

A shower, a bit more laundry, and dishes.  Always more.  First to more fully wake.  Was expecting packages today, did not arrive.  Bleh.  Later.

Better, again.

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No pain, rested, though still a bit foggy.  If plans work laundry that is dry will be folded or hung then put up, dishes will get a first shot, then a shower and shave.  Perhaps a nap around 3:30 give or take an half.  If there is more to me after that, dishes will be finished and by then a trip to the post office, perhaps trash to the outside bins on the way.  That will leave life open for a trip to town soon, just a bit of shopping.

Of course, first thing, making the bed and "morning" prayers.  Wherever, and whenever, you are, there you are.  Oh, and one of my orders of dress shoes is in.  It it fits, and I like it, I'll be looking in that brand for a pair in brown.  I don't have many dress outfits, but enough for at least two different colors of shoes.  Plus variety.  Not required if not purely a luxury.

I have missed making the bed, and various prayer times, but do rather much better after solid advice, a plan, along with some to me astounding successes.  I don't know why successes in so many areas happened all at once.  This has been the intent for more than a decade. I have tested things too.  I... am surprised.  I mean to research some things along certain lines.

Wish me luck?  Later.

Hmm?

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Right bedtime.  Way past bedtime.  I was going to bed... ten or twelve hours ago.  It was believed, felt like the time, would have fit the typical schedule.  I can't tell you what did or did not happen to make that so.  I turned down the heat, medicine and food were administered, nothing unusual happened.  I think I am nearing being awake for 21 to 22 hours.  Really close, or over that.

Oh well.  I am feeling better.  Not numb just better.  Good night and day.

I don't know.

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What time do I wake, go to sleep, this day or that?  While I am doing better, seemingly more able, why do I fog over and end up doing so little.  The want is there.  The will and muscular aspect of flesh seems solid.  Prayers happen especially when things seem at risk.  Snow, which surprised me, but then nothing.  And it is bedtime again.

There is tomorrow.  The pain remains if milder.  I will read from the book, usually two to four chapters depending on several things.  Prayers and sleep finish the day off well.  Things are set up for work, a shower, and some other potential tomorrow.  Hey, if you aren't just waiting for me to die, and you happen to pray, might I bum a few words from you to God.  Even if you don't think He listens to one such as I, you know he listens to you, right?  *grins*  Prove your bona fides, if thats what it takes though, I'll probably include you in mine.  You will need it and more.

It seems youtube is refusing much access.  If they are a dying company or simply completely sjw converged, if that is a repeat though the cause may be different, it looks as if youtube, by making me dead to it has become dead to me.  When the politics of your advertisers is more important than your and their clients, as if that is even really possible in anything but a thought police state, your business is done... until it is a full police state, if too only as long as the state survives.  I think they are doubling down in their death throws.  I hope so.

Does youtube want to know what would potentially save them?  Cut their ad-free fee in half, guarantee vids older than five years so a user could download and re-upload should an account be banned, allow consumers to privately choose the races in ads if they choose not to pay, and stay completely out of politics, being involved only when compelled by law over a vigorous legal and political team.  At this point they seem to be a party to the worst elements of government control.  If that wins, they will become a part of the bureaucracy as they are in China, and probably other nations, including Euro state agencies.  Then they will really begin policing themselves... don't think most sjw's will like how Trotskyites end... just like the others, simply more stupidly surprised.

Wow. Not as bad as anticipated.

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I truly thought shoveling was going to hurt.  As broken, beat up, and crippled as I have been I really... wasn't looking forward to it.  Just getting dressed for it seemed to wind me.  Happily half of the drive was cleared, the sun must have shined?  Even some sun can do much.  I decided to get to it as quickly as possible, which wasn't exactly impressive.  Still it was what I could do, and not bad all givens.

There was between an half inch and two at the deepest.  It seemed pretty wet, if it was well into freezing.  It went quickly, as smoothly as I thought only to be dreamed.  No extra pain, no enhancement of the pain, even the pain from the start dissipated with the snow.  Still with the fog, but not exhaustion.  I do wonder how much faith studies might help me not just tame my penchant for sin, but also add to my simple ability to function.  I already have charitable work in mind.  If that would be silly if I am not taking care of myself and my home duties.  Still it is a goal.  Charity, love, starts at home.  If not I think it is a false pride?  Summit like that.

There is always hope.  Now to finish the chores set up yesterday.  If I can catch up on regular stuff then I can dig into so much that is in arrears.  Who knows.  I don't agree with all this book suggests.  I don't think that is the point.  It isn't to become Christ, it is to explore that with my whole heart and mind and soul.  This book makes that much easier.  As with the Bible this is a book which won't be read then set aside.  Might read it again right away.  Hmm, I should log my disagreements, explore them, then review in my second reading.  Don't know about you, but I can be a fool to even a God damned fool.  If it wasn't for His simple true full love and forgiveness...  Still it's what I have.  And it works more than not.  Good to test and sort it though.

Later.

A short break.

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I couldn't sleep as quickly as hoped.  Just an hour off if that seemed to throw things way off.  Sleep was good.  I needed more than thought.  Each time I woke an attempt to wake took place.  Pain returned about half way through, not as bad as before.  Solid, steady.  I could sleep through it mostly so I did, which again extended sleep.

It's not a terrible 'morning', just tight.  I looked out.  Some of the snow is gone, but I still need to shovel.  I hope it hasn't frozen in.  I'll be to it shortly.  The pain isn't as bad as it has been and even half the sleep being pain free allowed a good rest.  A break on two fronts definitely helps.

I see Trump is winning.  In court he reclaimed the right of presidents to do their job and keep terrorist prone populations out for long or all.  What he ought to do is repatriate every foul orc allowed in by the illegal ban on his action.  As well, I have to believe that the feds could find real federal crimes against not just the San Fran murderer, but also public officials involved with the murderer and case.  How can murder by an illegal NOT be a federal item?  Illegal status is a fedral item, so any crime committed by them must also be federal.

As well, president Trump undid two Zero federal land grabs here in Utah, and is looking at more than a score of others.  One of them was on my personal list, the staircase.  I once knew a... man... who pretended to be a friend who was so happy with Zero's actions.  I told him, if Trump won, no other repug but Trump, he might rescind.  Laughed at, told never done before.  I looked him right in the eye and told him Trump was different.  No coward like repugs he knew, and a winner.  I know he is raging as much as I am pleased.  Courts, of course, but he is doing well there.  Further, if he wins, no Repug president will again be allowed to betray us.  Actually?  This may be the start of the first federal government bureaucracy real reduction I have seen in my lifetime.

Now for him to politically and physically survive the various sorts of assassination attempts by the enemies of the state, domestic and foreign.  Supporters have our roles too.  As with Judge Moore, knowing good and right against agents of the liar is not just a right but a duty.  We DO police our own, it is time we do it rightly, not allowing them to whisper lies in our ears to kill careers of right men.  Even our men who have faults are better than their "men" who don't even believe in virtue or sin.  Just think about that for one hot damn minute!

Anyway, have to wake then get going, in... a bit.  Later.

Better for no good reason.

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The pain lifted.  It was there, like a ton of bricks, crushing the life out of me.  I just went about life.  Suddenly I realized the pain was gone.  A bit of stretching and testing seems to prove it out.  Not that I am suddenly full of vim and vigor, but if pain stays abaited I might get there.  I loaded dishes, started on food, and hope yet to do a load of laundry through, with a load dried out and in the dryer.

I may nap in there, hoping to get to the post office by it's noon closure... unless it's some sort of holiday?  Don't hate, I usually don't remember my birthday.  Not a health thing, just my specific brain wiring.  I have attempted to correct it to no good ends.  Can't find calendars with Christian and US holidays either, and the smartphone/apps reset with every reset.  I gave up.

A bit of a problem is that it is snowing.  I don't know how much is expected, will check.  The plow isn't attached if I doubt it will be needed.  However that still leaves shoveling.  I'll definitely need a nap in there.  If the pain stays gone perhaps a good recharge can happen in a hurry.  If I can finish dishes, the first shot, I can leave the shower open for when I wake.  Then do laundry and reset dishes as I edge to a walk to the post, or a shovel and drive.

Sorry, Buttercup, I just don't think death is in the cards.  What was all that about?  Perhaps a different kind of death.  Yeah.  Maybe.  Men, some, don't end in some ways.  But when they realize the hunt is over, they can park it out back and just walk on.  A different sort of death.  That is my bet.

For some reason the Catholic links have stopped populating in youtube.  I don't know if the authors can reject, or if that is sjw action on yt's part.  Or even advertiser complaints.  I strongly suspect one or both of the first.  Happens often.  Should check to see if the vids have been yanked.  Yeah.

Later.

Can't fix it.

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Pain.  I can't sleep through it, medicine isn't solving it, anacin isn't touching it, neither fasting nor food are helping.  Just because one suffers, and there can be good from bearing it, doesn't require mere submission.  There are limits to management.  I suspect it will come and go.  I am unwilling to take anything addictive.  Better to suffer, and that even with broken ribs.  This is not that.  I wonder if a senator can handle a bit of pain?

Sleep is no longer full for it, stretching sleep so as to attempt to obtain a fuller rest.  Rolling and tossing while searching for comfort.  Pillows being used as wedges for areas which are getting too much pressure and wear.  I let the girls in sometimes.  Just for portions, for their will and to have some company.  As well so they aren't forgotten, to make sure to remember that they need food, fresh water, and litter changes.  Yeah, they let me know, if sometimes they try to take advantage.  Just like kids.

I won't say this is the worst, only that it's regularity combined with it's intensity is wearing thin.  Further all efforts to relieve either aspect has thus far failed.  I am out of remediations.  Time.  Patience.  Prayer.  On the good side, medicine, food, and sleep are doing well.  I get sleep, and some rest, if a bit fitfully and through excess.  I have tried pushing through on raw limits, but that just creates a huge mess.  Would rather split my day than end up with bits and parts and no regularity, from which I am still recovering.

Prayer, reading, basic care, and what else is possible continues.  I'll... keep at it.  I need to get out, just to be out, soon.  Bleh.  Later.

Troubling.

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For the moment I am stuck.  Prayer isn't getting me anywhere.  I was able to set up meat, mostly ready.  I have been making the bed, saying prayers, taking meds, feeding and keeping up on the girls, and a very few very small other things.  My ability to simple will to effort is broken.  Food, heat, medicine, sleep, all being tended to no good ends.  Patience, continued prayer, continued effort.

I'm not feeling the best on top of things.  The lungs are just off still, perhaps other things.  I'll keep things in mind, do what I can when possible.  I think this is it for the night, mostly.  Reading first.  Good night.

Death.

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Not a concern, not an immediate risk, not pending or threatening or seen proximately, only the newest topic in my reading.  Of some concern to all, no doubt.  More so to those so busy winning, or having others win for them, doing their own thing, or otherwise not focused more steadily on the real long game, that of the soul.  I won't say I have no concern.  I am certain I have seen the final act, in as much person as possible.

I wasn't ready then, not quite.  I was at the line, but I knew I wasn't ready.  Others were there with me.  Terrible that fear.  Seeking the problem.  Even those who were ready, and then would go, did so casually.  Even then there was fear.  It is stepping away from life with death, surrendering sin, changing in unknowable ways.  I believe, if I am at that same line, I will truly simply step in.  Some need not make that step.  I hope more I am in that crowd.  Not from my efforts or recent successes, mind you.  Even if I sinned not even one more time, my just desert is complete and utter destruction.  Only my faith in God, in His sacrifice, will save me.  While I do remember the line, my faith is far greater than any fear.  So... death isn't, so much, a concern, incentive, or such.  It is merely a door I know will be there at least one more time, the only one leading to right grace.  It is a choice, I have chosen.

Still another several videos popped.  The one I suspecred seemed right.  I also found several videos on the rosary.  This, if I go there, will be the third attempt at the rosary.  It... takes fortitude, focus, and some... other things.  Bead chops, I have heard them called.  Would like to add them to my morning prayers, and say them when enangered or my feelings are hurt, and before otherwise reacting.  Yeah...  Never you worry, if I'm not sure even I always have that kind of time.  If the goal isn't perpetual prayer but behavior modification.  Though too, if one doesn't work the other is still a better option. I need to find one of my rosaries first.  Hopefully the one with much larger beads, if the smaller one's use does serve as penance.  If that gets going I will add the vids.

I best get food started.   I think I have been double fasting.  Don't want to go to far accidentally.  A few days is fine, but it needs to be a conscious, defined, thing.  Fasting is no longer a health thing, at least not in the majority.  It is a thing of faith.  Here is the video which satisfied my contemplation.

What brutal sleep.

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When did it start.  I only know that getting to bed was difficult.  The body wanted sleep but it, we, or I, was stuck awake.  Sleep is deeper lately, or seems to be.  Sleep was good until I became stuck in it.  I woke solidly several times but would lose my grip.  Even now wakefulness is very tenuous, and painful.  The combination is definitely worse... pain pills, first thing.  Yes, bed made, prayerful planning, even if I end up back down.  Some days remind me of the river run.

The lungs, I think, are still sore.  As one begins attempting to solve a problem, other potential solutions arise.  The first change didn't fix it, but seems to be a good choice for other reasons.  The next option, I suspect, will fix the problem in time.  It didn't come about quickly, it won't become well quickly.  Perhaps, if I can add walking to my routine, that might help.  But in this cold?  Ah, and shoes...

I have ordered new dress shoes.  Even 13 in most of my footwear is way to big.  With 12's I can wear the heaviest of socks, even with a thinner second sock.  After I sort dress shoes I'll need to obtain regular shoes and boots.  I'll keep even the 14's, just in case.  Perhaps some 13's will still work.  Messy, but medicine is finally doing it's job.  Odd how, until the correct dose was given, and given time to work, it's as if my body was trying to drink itself to death.  Once the bodily flood was fixed, and a comparative drought was established, the thirst diminished to much less.  A gallon and just a bit more a day now. I feared my thirst was going to explode.

Everything is one step at a time.  Fasting, medicine and the right dose, shoes, clothes size, figuring those with money and sleep issues.  I've lost two pounds.  Given that water weight is controlled, all weight I lose will be real.  I must be careful about weight gain, as that might be purely water weight and require adjustments.  It is what I have and as good as I can do with it all.  I think prayerful planning and review will help a great deal.  I believe it has already done things I had come to honestly, in good faith, thought must simply be suffered, along with compunction... a word I still don't completely grok.  I truly wonder what else might be possible.  I will be looking for little opportunies to serve, ways that have nothing to do with me.  I... already have one potential, if I am afraid.  If you know me, you know fear is more a baited hook than a barrier.  Woe is me, I just hope I can make it work.  :p  Do need shoes that fit though, right ones for the tasks.  One. thing. at. a. time.  Amen.

A nap.

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Longer than usual.  I needed the fan but only used a throw.  I read for a goodly bit from the book of recent note, The Imitation of Christ.  The last few chapters covered both compunction and... isolation?  Okay, I understand quietude.  I realize I talk too much.  I am working on that.  With company being rare this will always be difficult.  Even having a wife around probably leads to much more discussion than is remembered.

I speak to the girls, and they understand more than I would have believed, but it isn't two-way.  If you haven't vowed to silence, this is difficult.  I am neither an introvert nor extrovert, I can live happily either way.  But a visit every few weeks is, well, a stretch.  I'm just not sure where even to find company or make friends, even where that physically possible.  Most people seem to be extremely limited in what they discuss, and with whom they converse.  Some men don't even include their wives or brothers, some men don't talk to anyone.  And woman realize what they often deny, men and women can't really be friends.

Trouble isn't what it used to be.

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I don't know about you all.  I do know about me.  It wasn't all foolishness, youth that is, but it had seriously foolish moments.  While obviously not physically immortal, I promise there are those who would not wager their life on it, or again in retrospect.  For one steeped in the secular, drowning in the perfume of youth perhaps especially already well tainted with an aura of death, that death wasn't obtained is a bit of an oddity.  Some of it...  Fighting even to this day if not the same, mostly.

A new day.

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Sleep is still messy.  I don't know when I actually finally went to bed.  It was after 6:00.  I couldn't sleep before that.  I wanted to, needed to?  Up at about 15:00.  It'll probably be another short day.  I am hitting things right up front, because I can and because I don't want another nothing-burger day.  Focus, cognition, memory, and simpler physical stamina all seem greenlighted, so I will use them as possible.

First thing was a start on laundry.  A load was left in the wash.  Vinegar and another shot, but seems okay.  A load out was sorted and stored.  Dirty laundry has been gathered for at least another load, and clean clothes have been put in the bathroom in prep for a shower.  Then, for the first time I made the bed then did morning prayers as both a prayer and planning time, including God in the program.  If it looks like I'll be awake even most of a 'day' I will have a midday prayer and review.  Otherwise, if I crash too hard and soon, then that will be the end of day prayer.  If I don't crash too hard and fast.  Not a dibetic thing, I have been watching that.  It's the usual high but stable.

No reading the last few days.  I've been failing too quickly in what passes for a day, then too quickly when I do lay down.  Prayers, and succes against vexing sins, has been continuing.  To think fifteen years, with all the effort I could offer, prayer, and all else, then to solve most of it in a single day.  No, I did not just become iller or older, the temptation remains, grows.  Perhaps it will lead to a form of death, if that is appropriate at this point.

Hmm, best check the clothes.  Later.

Do you have a headache?

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Do you want one?

No idea.

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Just waking.  I've been awake for an hour and change.  I have no clue when I went to bed or else before that.  Memory of sleep and that is gone.  Day?  Date?  Plans?  Sleep has been good, definitely these last two, or at least combined.  My lungs hurt, have hurt for probably a week.  Which makes absolutely no sense.  No, I have been keeping up on medicine.  I just don't know about the lungs.  One thing I have noticed is that once I got on a high enough level of waterpill to expell fluids to normalcy my seeming need to drink shrunk.  While still consuming a gallon to that and another half, that is down from as much as three gallons.  Hmm, maybe that...  I have an idea... too late today, will see tomorrow and for a while.  Changes mean change, right?  Usually.

Dreams, as usual.  All good that I remember.  The only real(ish) part I remember was being in a cathedral so large it was impossible, and yet I not only felt I fit in it correctly, but for the first time in my life I felt welcomed and as if I belonged, both in the place and with the people.  I have, since being called, felt quite at home with God, and sometimes at church, but rarely with many people.  This dream... wasn't here.  I did catch that it would never be here.  So be it, I can wait.  That doesn't mean I have given up on church, though sour grapes at failure to make it may show from time to time (this not being that) .  Actually this is a reminder to push through again.  It... isn't about me, being accepted, or feelings, it is about worshipping God.  For all I know everybody feels that way?  If so isn't worship the better for the sacrifice of self?  *smile*  My problem isn't ego, it is uncontrolled sleep, exhaustion, fog.  Anything else is sour grapes, mostly.

I do remember some things.  What I have been reading, where that has been leading... all there and becoming practiced.  Compunction; sort of still just a word, efforts are in play to make it a reality.  It has successfully, twice now, allowed me to derail a main vexation.  I am including review of the day, along with prayer, at least once a day.  In fuller days the goal will be twice a day.  With my days shortened to five hours often lately there just isn't enough material to cover.  I will be adding morning prayers, perhaps after making the bed, to plan the day, set goals.  I like what is happening.  I might never function well again, but I can yet improve.  If that is all that is left to me I think it is enough.

Hmm?  Dunno.  I know something was in the works.  When I wake more I will grouse for clues.  Blank.  Later.

Sleep will just sort itself.

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I went down a bit after 17:00.  It was quick, but not such a crash that I couldn't have posted.  The 'day' and it's end were so flat, bland, that there simply wasn't anything to write.  Sleep was good, and seemed deeper.  I suspect sleeping when it is too light is as much a part of things as the unusual warmth this time of year... at least it seems unusually warm.  I get the sense that some parts of the states are in for truly dangerous cold.  I wouldn't want to be in some areas even with my nature.

It's too late to be out tinkering on the machine, lights or no.  Respecting neighbors' needs is just common good will.  Plus uncouth oaths carry too easily at night.  While I have attempted such efforts without, and sometimes go without... it's not a safe bet.  Like a sailor.  I don't think it is taught, or can be untaught, though flaw, gift, or a natural part of battling metal, bolts, angles, mass, and else is... unknown to me.

In prayers and dreams, a wounded right pride went in search of a way to combat several sins and flaws.  Mocked, for such brazen attempts, I was told by a voice not a stranger to my ears.  Already mocked, rightly and wrongly, so another barb or three on that means better penance if anything, which is a path to rightousness, so of no negative concern said I.  Love watching him squirm.  Still, my initial hope that greater humility might be the path didn't hold up.  More humility will be sought, but that will be a slowly hard won resource.  When I woke, like a right present under a right Christmas tree, a video which held promise, and a word frozen back in time now come back.  Compunction.

Noon thirty?

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Not sure why or how I am awake.  I seem to be aware, realizing I just missed the post office.  I shouldn't be awake.  Perhaps my system clock sees this as the time to wake, if it's off projections and norms.  I suppose it would be, just odd it tilted the direction it did.  Interesting what a body does when it, for a or several reasons, divorces itself from common will, becoming literally incapable of following instructions in order to keep the body fed.  Without a large willing family, in most other times, I would have died or been ended.  Most thought, still do, many, that misfortune is deserved.  It's the easier way.  Even I go there from time to time.  There are some who choose, walk into where they know they shouldn't.  I did not choose this.  Still, in another time, perhaps in the near future?

Digging, the twelve steps of humility was found.  Some of those were familiar.  Losing the ability to do simple regular labor, or end yourself for it, will result in some rather harsh personal reviews.  While a woman can hurt the ego, none can throw stones like the self.  Can't miss.  Initially, with only rage and no other target?  Which is why so many people, especially men, who break, suicide if the illness isn't fast enough.  I think psych fields are more to try to figure out which ones are confused, to save those, and to gently urge the truly broken to their death.  Even that failed.

The steps?  The only ones I haven't tasted require a monastic life.  Not that I have sampled rightly.  Just, I have been to the bottom of the deck, I recognize the monster I am, can be, in it's many ways... from frail flesh to many-bellied hungry animal and on to willful sinner.  Attempts in rejection have been denied, so I have had to at first drown in absolute failure.  Eventually I learned to live with it, then more.  I'll never be able to unsee, fully accept.  Without a place there is only grace.  I... half hope, when your time is up you will make it through to here.  It is a challenge, every day.  But if you make it to acceptance in spite of your lack of use, even as you deteriorate without any sense of control, you will eventually just give a prayer of thanksgiving in case you don't have another chance, and mean it.  For the opportunity just to have lived and know God.

I guess what that means is I can't go deeper into humility along their path.  Illness, age, else, will continue to teach.  I will use those forces to learn, adding twice daily personal assessments along with prayers as the driver, plus colluding forces, and I will muddle through.  I won't grovel, again, if there is yet work to be done.  A slow narrow path.  Worth the price at any cost.  Yeah, it was brewing while I slept.  Later.

How does it get so late so quickly?

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Food was good.  I must admit my eyes outdid my stomach.  It is good to have a little extra on offer from time to time.  The stomach is off though, like it is grinding glass.  That even before  being handed walking papers at a long-time blog.  It is good to know how someone really feels, seriously.  If I really am that bad more people should say so, or at least stop visiting.  Not that it doesn't sting, merely that pain serves a purpose.  I have removed it and a few non-performer blogs.  I don't go where I am not welcome.  Anyone else want delinked?  Now would be a good time, no sweat.

Right wrong?  That is above my paygrade.  But if he wasn't joking lately, which I was attempting to weigh, for my part this is right.  I simply offered him the stone to throw.  He threw.  He may well be right, or at least for his purposes.  And I for mine.

I'll get to bed as soon as I can.  Something is keeping me up.  Not the ban, that just happened, to my knowledge.  Too much activity, wasn't really ready, that is my bet.  Can't gear down.  A handful of anacin.  Usually night meds do it.  I won't take sleeping pills and haven't found a food that works.  Ugh.  I want to be up in time for the post office, not sure it's possible.

Oh well.  I should be able to possibly finish the blade, though certainly the counter weight install tomorrow, wet or dark shouldn't be an issue.  I'll be sore, too tired, and distracted, but I was today.  There is a chance.

Good night.

Sometimes it works.

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I was almost sure of a shower.  Getting out, and to threy stores?  Still, only way to know is to start then see where you get.  I am still hurting for some unknown cause, tired half out of my wits, and that bit of work, half of it on my back just took a lot out of me.  Like it?  No, I loved it.  Wish I could do hours of that sort of thing a day.  The right help and more might be possible.  Even if a woman can't help, she can make other things work.  And, sometimes, if she has the aptitude and want, she can help.  As is I lose focus.

I did get going. H.D. first.  They had no idea.  Maybe the department chief who was done for the day and gone, though the best bet is a repair shop.  I'll call before bothering to drive in tomorrow... if more searching doesn't fetch what is needed tonight yet.  I looked over their compressor.  Nothing really looke right.  I looked through their work lights, "Not for the prices they cost!", as an old friend often suggested.  I think the cheapest I saw was $69, for a floor sqat, one piece.  There were supposed to be others in electrical but I didn't find them.

Walmart.  Had to get hard catfood anyway.  Wasn't sure they would have anything.  Not bad, if I will avoid anything rechargeable... made to fail, quickly, more so if found in walmart or at amazon.  Anything with an internal battery from those outlets is meant to move trash around.  I did find several which use real good bulbs and plug in.  I bought two ground level and an elevated one, if it also can be groud level.  Yeah, I like having more than enough.  Then again this whole set cost less than the one at H.D.  Perhaps, if you are a contractor, and the gov shovels money at you, go for it.  But don't cross your eyes at me when you are lynched, with your crew, for helping to destroy the world economy.  I suppose we should make them build their own hanging rigs, for free.  Hmm?  Right.  Haven't tried them yet.  Even simple things, these days, have to be checked.  I'm won't blame it all on China, walmart amazon and associates all play their part.  If you pay attention you might get by.

Then to groceries.  All needed and a super deal.  I found a thick-cut ribeye, with some bone in, a double cut, light on bone, for less than what intended dinner was going to be.  It's starting in the oven, to be finished on the grill.  Had to be salted and brought to room temp first.  So, yeah, I still got a bite at a drive-through.  My stomach was already driving me to growling far to easily.  I bought veggies, to try with various butters, and some good fall roots to be roasted with beef.  Okay, so some of the other roast types are... not so bad.  Toss in cabbage and tubers and life is good.

Not bad. Exhausted, maybe a touch owly, but it was a good day.  And there is still tomorrow.  Now?  I have food to finish.  You?

Mostly.

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The blade is together, the mount is connected to the chassis.  Idid have it all connected save for the lifting bar.  There are no instructions or parts included for that.  Half way through help arrived.  Perfect timing, initially for light asit was going pitch, then for help with the blade, etc., weight and angles.  He works on similar tools but couldn't figure out the handle either.  Of course that is the one thing for which I couldn't find a video.  A trip to the store.  I had thought tomorrow, feeling so late.  Dunno, would want a shower, but would buy dinner if I can make it.

I enjoyed tinkering and swearing.  I think one is almost required with the other.  The back should go on easily as with the tire chains, once I get a compressor.  I want one, a good and mostly mobile one.  All sorts of tires, a nailer, torque wrench, perhaps even a paint gun.  Those last two require a lot though, not sure I can split that much green.  Even my off-road tires are demanding.  Still, it's about time.  Mighr look around, chat up any pro on hand.  Tonight or tomorrow, so tired even before.  Going to be tired anyway, if I can I will.

Tea and a bit of reading, blogs, then?  Later.

Late waking.

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The girls were trying to wake me since 8:30.  About every two hous after that.  Ah, they must have gone through the hard food I keep out to tide them over.  Not much I could do.  Way too tired.  Cats DO have snoozes!  Still, every two hours.  Should have shooed them out and closed the door.  First, I couldn't really herd cats, and they would have pounded the door every two hours anyway.  Note to self, dry cat food.  TODAY.  I finally woke at about 14:00.

As to who the fuss is about?  I'm starting to think it is pretty much everybody.  Close, far, kin, friend, associate, enemy, and those without any real attachment at all, which means for no good reason, some of them.  Some of it I fully understand, not that I always care, and I don't agree or there probably wouldn't be an issue.  I really can go with only God.  He gets the worst of the deal but seems satisfied with the deal.  Heck, He is who proposed, called.  All I had to do was follow, if that is a hell of a thing for even a broken one of my kind.  So?  Don't think I'm picking on you, or you alone.  Not even really picking, just sensing it.  The reading... added something to it.  Do what you have to do, some of it I get, if it isn't...  I am here, you are there, so be it.

I ran the whole quart of cream through to clotted cream this time, salting as I was loading.  The cream was much thicker this time.  I have heard that cream will vary, as to viscosity, evn week to week from the same cow?  That is how I heard it from several sources who have proven out before.  I should have made butter, even if I have plenty and am buying theirs.  Just to do it once, for the experience.  The next thick batch gets butterized.  The clotted cream has cooled enough to be covered and refrigerated.  I'll let this batch rest overnight.

I may see if I have a dried cherries, cranberries, or else for scones.  With it cooling, making a dough batch, then just baking one or two every other day, along with clotted cream and a cup or dozen of warm tea?  Sounds good.  Next to find good fresh eggs, though to see what feed they use?  But what feed is good?  All I know is commercial eggs seem to be a real problem no matter how I use them.  Hopefully baking won't be a problem?  Gahk!

Hmm, dressed, save for shoes.  Might try to install the scoop, maybe the counter-weight.  I need an air compressor for the tire chains, supposed to let the air out a bit, then pressurize to final fit.  I may just buy one this coming month.  Merry Christmas to self?  Especially if I can find an affordable 120/220-40 multi, for when I get the garage rewired.  Probably a few years off, but planning ahead is far better than catching up.  Right.  Just say "right".  :p

I best get to it.  Later.

Ask and you will receive.

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How much of a book does proper etiquette advise can be copied?  What is the proper form for citation, or this year?  I'll do my best and hoqe for the best.  My newest read is covering ground I am travelling, only... better.  Even better that I am forced to stop and think, question my words, motives, and other nagging... things.  A unit, called a chapter, follows.

CHAPTER 12

OF THE UTILITY OF ADVERSITY 

IT IS good for us to have sometimes troubles and adversities, for they make a man enter into himself, that he may know he is in a state of banishment, and may not place his hopes in anything of this world.

It is good that we suffer contradictions, and that men have an evil or imperfect opinion of us, even when we do and intend well.  These things are often helps to humilty, and defend us from vainglory.

For then we better run to God, our inward witness, when outwardly we are despised by men, and little credit is given to us.

2. Therefore should a man so establish himself in God, as to have no need of seeking many comforts from men.

When a man of good will is troubled, or tempted, or afflicted with evil thoughts, then he better understands what need he has of God, without whom he finds he can do no good. (John 15:5)

Then also he laments, he sighs, and prays, by reason of the misery he suffers. 

Then he is weary of living longer, and he wishes death to come, that he may be "dissolved and be with Christ". (Phil. 1:23)

Then also he will perceive that perfect security and full peace cannot be found in this world.

The Imitation of Christ, Thomis A. Kempis

As well, something more heartening.

CHAPTER 3

OF THE DOCTRINE OF TRUTH

Happy is he whom Truth teacheth by itself, not by figures and words that pass, but as it is in itself.  (Ps. 17:36; Pa. 28:26).  Our opinion and our sense often deceive us, and discover but little.

...

The Imitation of Christ, Thomis A. Kempis

For I was called.  I was not welcome nor am I yet, among many, in any church.  If it wasn't for God, and rather urgently, I wouldn't be faithful.  More, I suspect most who would have taught would have corrupted.  My initial instructor was good, if hamstrung by many around him for his good faith, but he didn't call and the education was impersonal, class-based.  Not a thing of pride, though.  What will Christ do for the lost sheep?  Right.  Still...  Pleasing.  I did get private lessons.

Sometimes the right book at the right time.  Some of it is difficult to read.  I worry, doubt myself, outright know I fail, failed, will fall again.  Good to have another source to find comfort, find the right trailhead again, then to it.  The book also has recommendations for various toils or even good times.  I think it's a keeper.

I am an ugly man, but His ugly man.  He gave me the time to bow and learn.

A few things.

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Tiptoeing financially, until ss is figured out.  Even with having a witness sign and drop it in the chute, they may well not receive it again.  They can refuse to do their job as long as they wish, not much I can do on my end.  I am not down to breadcrumbs and bologna.  I had to check, but Christmas presents were purchased and sent.  A good sale certainly helped, and on exactly what was planned.  Still makes it tigher, but next month isn't Christmas.

Still a bit rough.  I finally got around to food.  I'll have another meal in four hours.  In short order I may begin turning milk into kefir.  The grains are available locally, as is store-bought kefir, which used to work.  They may have changed it though.  If they did there is no live cultures in it now... or they can't grow, which has to be pretty much one and rhe same.  Since it is pretty much eaten for probiotic function in the gut, if it can't do that it is useless.  I'll tinker, figure it out, then report back.  I suppose they might have created cultures which convert lactose to else, for ease of digestion and making it safe(r)  for diabetics, then dies off so it can't be used.  Chemistry and biology, for better economic control of your food!  

It has been a wet day, but not too cold.  As I was grilling 'lunch' the sun came out.  So, while cooking I extracted the instructions for the plow.  Boy what a waste of my time and their paper.  If you can't find people who can explain something at least hire someone who can draw, 0 for two.  I'd fire the man running that.  If the next guy didn't fire everyone in the department, he would go with them.  I'll have to figure it out on my own.  Not feeling all that well, will check later.  On first review the instructions and logic to them makes me think the whole lot is affirmative action hires., or business majors... too often same thing.

If I can, I may go out and give things a whirl.  Cooling fast and getting really dark.  Hmm, I should check into work lights when money is right.  Later.

Difficult last few mornings.

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If you hace ever been in fights, serious ones either against more than one, or seriously undersized, or both, perhaps against an opponent who brought a 2x4 or baseball bat to the gig?  Yeah.  Win lose or draw, you will hurt.  The whole forward plane of my abdomen, deep in, feels to have been worked with a 2x4.  The surface is fine, as it used to be.  Enough fights and muscle becomes nigh on immune.  There is no way to strengthen organs.  As well, it feels as if kidney shots, exactly on target, were landed.  Today is the worst of the last four days.  I stayed down an extra couple of hours today to no good effect.  The pain usually leaves in several hours, but has been leaving me exhausted when it goes.

One thing I need to remember, with fasting, is to eat enough during the eating time.  I didn't yesterday so incured a foul, eating a bit after the six hour zone.  Not a complete drop though, still all within the eight hour zone, which is good, just not preferred.  I need to thaw more meat to ensure I can keep up.  I might begin sourcing fresh eggs, to see if my egg problem is eggs or the rooster.  Foul I tell ya, boy, I say boy.

Dreams still at flood stage.  Memory is still fading almost immediately.  One part of one dream... told I was considered odd, a strange duck.  Laughed.  Of course, I said.  But?, I was asked.  Held out a mirror to all.  The room burst into laughter, some of it becoming tense, nervous, as the roar crescendoed and people started looking each other over too.  No, I do not need confirmation from others.  I fail, but my Lord... we work this out as best I am able on my part.  He does His part flawlessly, which takes up my slack.  All I can do right is to allow Him to do His work, even through my guilt.  Laugh as you will.  I'll join you.  I will also explain things, as if to children.  Never did I feel any attempt at a slight succeeded.  Nor did I intend a slight.  But it... is funny, as I see it.  If others exposed their thoughts, dreams, and all as freely as I do... you'd... understand fully.  Most people hide.  That alone makes me different, if in truth no more, probably less odd.  But few others even dare say what they really think.  Still chuckling.

The pain is easing.  Not sure if getting up will bring it back, so I will sit a bit, until time to feed the fluff-nuggets... cats to you.  Medicine though, I have it reset for the next month.  I think it has taken over as the main source of exhaustion, which is good.  As soon as I get that under control I might be okay.  Ugh but this life can be messy.  Hurry and wait, as if I was back in the Navy.

Good day.

Floods of dreams.

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In the last two weeks nearly every night has been filled with dreams.  Some are remembered slightly into the morning, if not long enough to write.  It seems as I am awake more often in dreams than I am asleep.  Yes, I think that adds to being tired when I wake.  Maybe not, it does seem a truth.

Awake, dressed in case an attempt to install some of the components can happen.  As well, I think some food will be grilled.  Oh, I best turn the heat up just a bit.  It is getting cooler, even getting cold sometimes, but not bitterly chill yet.  Some winters, to me, here, never go bitter.  Coming from a place were wet as it can be, -40 and worse not being uncommon, and with heavy and high winds as normal events, this valley, which cuts the wind and is usually dry, is easy even as my bones age.  Well, and I prefer the cold, not just marginally.  The weather was not one of my complaints with Iowa, well not winter weather.  Got to admit though, if strangely, as health improves I am becoming more susceptible to cold, if less susceptible to heat.  I would guess my whole comfort zone slid twenty degrees to the right.

I might be able to get the plow attached, perhaps all items.  The big jobs, removing the mower deck and connecting the plow to the harness... with one finished prospects look good.  Only that attaching could end up beyond a one-man job.  First, a bite to eat then letting that settle.  Well, and warming with the house.

With this done, I can sleep.  If I can shovel I will.  If not or in a hurry, the plow or snowblower, depending on the type of snow.  Not sure how well this will work.  Being 24 horse power make some difference, if it is still more hobby than industrial.  Next year I'll get a trailer for it, maybe a seeder and aerator too.  If you have it might as well more fully use it.  I did find out how to change the oil and air filter, which should be done this weeek.  Not sur about the fuel filter, I'll look for that today.  Ugh.

On to lunch, later.

Actually? I can fast!

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I was so used to fasting until evening, using the last six hours for eating, that other options didn't show on radar.  As I was thinking things through I realized I could just put the six hour eating window when it would allow me to eat, not work on too full or empty of a stomach, and still possibly have time for a later snack or meal.  As well, initially, with fasting, I do overeat.  As long as I keep feeding to the alloted time that takes care of itself.  Fasting has begun.  Further, if I eventually decide to make it later, no problem.  Earlier?  Sure, if I don't mind skipping an extra day or three.  Back at it, with lunch to early dinner as the possible feed time zone.

I really need this.  Blood sugar was rather jacked.  I am hoping it was just sweets at Thanksgiving and a rare splurge of crackers and chili... shouldn't used so much canned food at once.  I also worry about Sucra Drops, an artificial sweetener.  Good, though as even with meat there is too much.  The level dropped a fifth from yesterday to fasting testing this morning, and back to closer to (non-fasting) normals.  I was so close to 100, I think 115 or 125, and falling, before potassium crashed.  Yes, on potassium and else, plus not waterlogged.  I think I can make it, get my health back... mostly.  The heart is broken, I think that is the way of it.  But it won't kill me on meds, especially with the rest controlled or simply healed.

Damn straight I'll keep trying.  God has given me great gifts, bounteous faith, chance after opportunity, and forgiveness beyond what I thought possible.  Won't spit in His face.  Plus?  I... rather enjoy.  Sometimes the pain, from many sources, is a bit much.  When I remember His suffering, and who, in part even to a dog, it was for?  If I turn it in He takes it, gratefully somehow.  My pain is managed.  You really have no clue.  Anyway, I'll do my part in thanks and joy, even when it just hurts.

Good night.

Blah.

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I did get the mower assembly of.  The example must have been a smaller one.  This one had nearly twice the number of pins, was four by two feet and weighs in north of #100.  I did take the two belt covers off in order to clean the top off, then used a screwdriver to loosen dried grass.  There wasn't much to clean, it was mostly fiddling and learning.  The blades need sharpened, badly. I may see if the bastard file will do.  Banged up hard though.  May have to adjust some things.

That was it.  As things are I am surprised I got to that.  With that off, installing all else should be straight shots.  Not necessarily easy, just not as mechanically complicated.  I also cleared a new, better, place to park it, at least for winter use.  If rhubarb pops naturally next year, I may keep it there.  It's nearly a two-side-closed covered shed.  A bit of plywood would keep it fully shaded.

She needs oil.  I didn't find anything about using a winter grade oil.  As well, I don't yet know how to change the oil.  More to learn and do, hopefully before it gets nasty cold, wet or snowy.  I am getting there.  Later or good night.

We'll see.

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She has been pulled around.  She was completely out of gas, which is right as she was rigged.  Unless a plow or snowblower is installed burnig the gas of is better for the system.  She needs to cool off.  While cooling, finding the manual and searching for videos seemed right.  The printed manual was were it was believed to be.  I did find videos, just not for the installs.  The first is how to remove the deck.  That shoul be a snap.  I'll check the oil while at things.  Might want to change to a winter oil?  Another thing to check.  Every last syllable?  Yeah.  Shortcuts are for emergencies only , then done or at least overseen by a solid in that field.  I am a noob and this isn't an emergency.

Late, good.

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It's been an hour and something since waking, two when I finish this.  Truly exhausted yesterday which made getting to bed difficult.  Odd how that can happen.  Awake late, only when compared to the time I woke yesterday.  I slept about eight hours, which is a lot less than the recent norm, if a good thing.  The sun was out for a bit, which helps.

Already dressed, in work clothes.  While still waking, I am hoping to put the new parts on the lawntractor.  I would like to do it myself, not certain that goal is practical.  The plow is attached by a bracket, as is the counter-weight.  I believe the mower deck has to at least be loosened for the plow bracket, but not the rear weight bracket.  The manual for the mower is online... but wait, I think they printed it out for me.  I think I know where it should be.

The manual won't show me how to install anything but it should show how to remove the deck, and how to set things up that way.  I am hoping instructions for the rest is included with each part, if tire chains should be self-explanatory?  Doing it on my own depends on weight, angles, and such.  I think I have several jacks, mounts and such, but for large vehicles.  Jerry-rigging can work, it can also really mess things up.  I have looked for videos for any of it online.  If it is there I can't find it.  Bleh!

I also may have found part of the health problem.  Though maybe not.  I'll be monitoring closely this next week.  Fasting may have to be forced in.  Eighteen hour (daily) fasting first, every day, three day fasting if that isn't cutting it or fast enough.  I've been meaning to get back to it, there is strong reason for it now.  Later.

Trickster.

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Which tribe, people?  The topic was broached recently.  Coyote was the focus, though it may well have been the raven, Woden, or the one... not neo by the way.  A few old and a new video, were collected for presentation, more for my sake. I don't think videos are watched.  Not a concern.

So tired.

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Sleep was good, long enough too.  I've been dreaming a great deal.  The cats have been allowed to sleep with me which usually forces me to sleep more restfully.  Even so, even with the bed being made daily, I am having to completely redo everything.  It's as if war is happening.  Strangely enough the girls don't abandon the area.  I have no idea what, how, that works.  It would be like finding cats in a freshly shelled field, napping in a new crater.  The mess explains why I am tired, the dreams give clues as well.  War.

I wasn't sure if the post office would be open today.  I was having trouble getting going and maintaining focus.  Deciding whether to go added to time almost slipping.  Tired of just letting life happen I decided to attempt pushing through.  Even if it was closed I would have willed action and gotten out.  Can't lose that way even if the venture wasn't fulfilled.  Turns out the post was open.  I received packages, one of which must have been on the edge of timing out, being returned.  All good.

Still on the edge of oblivion.  No real worries, I won't be dying, very possibly in your lifetime.  And suffering... has allowed both access to wisdom, at least to see and appreciate it, and to know joy as few may.  My story is far from finished.  Oh, I like the story of Job, even if we know the ending... is the only part not true.  I suspect he did live quite a long and faithful life after his fall, but alone and sickly.  God tended his basic needs, his wounds of all sorts, no more.

I'll do what I may today.  I think, after the post visit which itself was a surprise, sitting upright for the remainder of the day will be a test.  Reading, gaming, music, whatever works.  Later or much later.

Happy Thanksgiving, part two.

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Two Thanksgiving wellwishes can't be all bad.  I woke a bit later than hoped, am moving slower, in spite of going to bed earlier.  It's medicine and weather, being off then on the one.  Ugh.  All good.  I'll get things figured out shortly if I can keep up on meds... difficult in this season.

The chili was rather good.  I kept the heat at a solid spice but not overpowering, for me. Most of you shouldn't try it.  Not sure, but it might make you ill.  I have heard of death, but I don't think at this level.  I added cinnamon and allspice, which while not 'explosive' themselves add shape to the charge.  A few other herbs/spices that I prefer.  Not perfect just very good.  Something(s) is missing.  I am too out of practice to recognize the problem.  It will do.

My mother already called, left a message.  As per her request I listened to her message first.  As is usual I needn't have.  Moms are such women.  Bah!  Wished her a good day, asked about her plans, and didn't tell her women are dorks when she asked if I listened to her message first.  I just said yes, not even followed by a tonally challenging "mother", dragged out for effect.  When men act like that, at best they are considered nerds of the type to not associate unless absolutely required, though women can get relegated there if it is too often or serious... except moms.  They seem to mostly get a pass.  Double Bah!

Heat is up.  A shower is about to happen.  I should be easily ready and on time.  Can't recall the exact time, woke from a nap to be invited.  I'll do my best.  Hope your day is a good one.

A few memories, as with other things and people, in new forms.

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Nothing done, other than the shower, practice run, making chili, and meds.  Couldn't game or read much.  I think it's medicine, it can do that.  All good.  Strange versions of old tunes wafted first before my eyes then to my ears.  There was something softly right about them, good for Thanksgiving Eve.  Well, and an recurring one with some soft but strong bite. Enjoy as you will.

If you recognized one of the men who physically nailed Christ to the cross?  Believe it or else , I am certain Jesus would disabuse you of harming the actors or doing more than repelling the source.  Sometimes no punishment, given enough wisdom, is the greater punishment.  That would take lifetimes though.

Better a day early?

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If so, then I was in like flint.  Flint, if you are even older than me.  Geezer.  ;p  No, not a memory issue.  I simply wrongly attached today, Wednesday, with Thanksgiving, and then never verified.  I did call my mother.  She didn't answer or she might have set it right, though some do celebrate early, to have a local celebration before going to a bigger or distant one.  Life is messy, not at all simple, well regulated, or standard.  Right when I have thought so I have been learned.  Today being a mild lesson.  One even I may enjoy, even while fresh.  Mostly.

Tomorrow, I am told.  I... probably did blush, this time for a sort of simple shame.  If it's the worst faux pas, or perceived one, of the week, though, I am good with it.  "Mom, it's the ogre, he looks hungry."  Just sharing out a potential chuckle at my expense.

Happy Thanksging.

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I have been invited to a meal.  This time I have been tasked with a small provision, which is a good thing.  While not truly needed, in absolute truth, it creates a perception of need, which bolsters the will over the net drag of life, fear of the social, or just lethargy.  It's good to at least have a... purpose?  Not always required, probably.  All is set.  Had to run to town yesterday, but needed to go anyway.  Hadn't been able to go for my own purposes, so a bonus.  External forces when internal won't do, if it's all a trick, gimmick.  None of it works well, every time.  But this worked this time.

Now for a shower, with time to fully dry before going.  So dark again this morning.  I shaved yesterday, with the quad, so I am still good that way.  Oh, not shaving in a hurry, taking care with angles and plainbreaks, and a few other tricks learned with the simple twin blade, left my face mostly intact.  It was no worse than when learning the double blade itself, just a nick at each corner of the mouth, but it does clean whiskers much better.  If you don't  mind a learning curve and prefer a very close shave, this might be for you.  Still hoping to learn to sharpen an actual straight razor well enough to replace this.  At least I am to this point.

I hope your day of graces finds you in good company, well fed, and thankful, or at least comfortable enough, maybe oblivious as needed.  Been there, done that, too.  Amen.

Raining and so very dark.

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I actually woke an hour ago.  I was certain my body was sending my mind the wrong message.  Sleep was attempted over and over, reawakening about every fifteen minutes, until I surrendered my warm soft bed, which is actually uncomfortable to be in when not sleeping.  I have been needing twelve hours a night, just exactly half that last night, though with the nap.  So dark, cool, didn't want to get up, but when my body is done it is done.

My mother called.  She is going to have her wisdom teeth removed, no choice.  They are so messed up it will be surgical, and her jaw bone is fragile.  Which means it will probably be broken in the process.  A month down, all liquids, no straw, not even her vape (e-cigarette), no talking.  I wasn't the first to... comment on the last.  Might be terrible but I am in good company!  The whole notion seems ghoulish to me.  But it does have to be done.  It was on my mind all night, in a sympathetic not empathetic way thankfully.  My empathy can run a little deep at times, if it's not always a choice.

A dream of being an ancient water beast, deep in some lake or fjord.  Such a strange thing.  I sensed that deep underwater has similaities with deep space, with my mind.  Through that, and with it's mind, in the dream it was suggested that it's mind believed it did have kin in deep space.  One word from it's mind to mine, leviathan.  They are returning.  I ought to see if in the bible or various other tomes that is ever suggested.  Curious now.  I got the impression the return wasn't a good thing.

Later.

Bah!

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Lost track of time.  Never fully woke after napping, so dark.  A load of laundry is going, I might yet get a shower, if so dishes will be set to soak overnight.  A load of dry laundry has been mostly dealt with, just needing to be stowed.  While messing with it, I realized that sheet set doesn't have enough pillow cases.  I suppose they don't have to all match.  But if I can make that happen I will.  So, off to e-shopping.  Can't buy currently, can put stuff in the basket.  The exact cases aren't available but a duplicate pattern from a competitor will, hopefully, work.  Never can tell online, or in a store actually.  I must remember, when buying sets, to get the extras right then, colors and even companies, seem to come and go amazingly quickly.

Something else I have to purchase is dress shoes.  I have several.  Some are now way too big, some are way to uncomfortable.  If it was just comfort?  Yes, even then I would be in the market.  But it is more.  Blisters and cuts on my feet just won't do.  I am looking at attachable pads as well.  Not all problems have solutions.  This one should.  I... need to find a... place.  Dress shoes are required.

As to reading.  I have some number of books on my device.  I was reading well for a bit, then bit off a too much with Dante's Comedies.  I finished, but it killed interest in reading for a bit.  I went for an author, and series, new to me, "Chosen One", by Francis W. Porretto.  The author was an engineer, is Catholic, and a fellow blogger who was once linked here.  Can't remember what happened, still, curious.  The other book is something someone recently generally recommended.  It is titled "The Imitation of Christ", by Thomas A. Kempts.  No, not some mockery or fiction, more of a guide toward the divine.  It couldn't hurt, for this fool.  I really think those who just do their best without truly exploring what that means are in for rough times.  No one can save you.  The way is open but you must bear your cross.  You will either way, mind you.  I suppose it is bearing your cross humbly, with grace, in right sacrifice?  I keep looking, this book, along with a bible study, will help.

A roast beef, mustard, and horseradish sandwich or two first.  Maybe salad if it is still good.  And a glass of kefir?  Sure.

I'll, perhaps, put out reviews, in time.  The goal is a couple hours of reading a day.  Usually I have been hitting that.  Might need to extend that in order to fit a bible review in with that.  Later?  No, good night.

Hard nap.

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So dark when I woke, znd the slumber was so deep, I thought it was a morning wake.  I fumbled for the alarm.  It was too dark to simply see it.  I was confused by the time shown.  I often bump the alarm button, then have to wait for the real time to show, but this wasn't that time.  I mus t have needed it.  Actually I don't think it was too long.  This one clock remains set to before the fall back incident of fall '17.

A bit of waking and I could be up to some work.  The nap certainly helped emotional state and nerves along with simple exhaustion.  Oh, and I see I fell off meds.  Can't tell since I am not getting water logged, and with heavier doses of sleep confusing things further.  I'll just restart at full speed.  My feet are down from an uncomfortable 14 to an extremely thin 11 1/2 - 12.  My 13 steel-toe sneakers fit like galoshes, even with my heaviest wool socks and liner socks.  Crazy.

First to wake the body, put in a load of laundry.  A shower when the washer is finished, then set a load of dishes to soak.  Another load of laundry then on to... something or other pertaining to the sitting room.  I have a cabinet for blurays, dvds, cds, and games as well.  Ugh.  If I like this one I may purchase another.  Yeah, but I already have it, either put it up or toss.  I'll go over my reading pile soon.

Later.

Nothing going.

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A nap is required without any physical reason.  It is dark out there, and just at freezing.  I did finish two pieces of pork on the grill, and an already baked potato.  I wasn't sure if any of it would work.  Perfect.  Letting it burn for 15, closing the lid for five, then placing the food right down just above the coals, giving it five minutes each side, and all finished as well as could be hoped.  While the clotted cream is creamy, it is much mider than regular butter.  Better for fresh breads and pastry, if I were to suggest... which I just did.  The nap is tugging at cohesive thought.

A shower, work either in the sitting room or extricating the loveseat, then making chili?  Something along those lines, if possible.  After a nap.  And more reading.  I'll describe some of the material I finally getting through.  I'll never catch up on my reading.  There are more of even the true and good books and so little time, capacity to read, and else.  I'll keep at it.  Later.

So cold?

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While at times true, in some cases it doesn't make sense.  While I have, memories, small hopes, and dreams, all know the latter are just that, some strange properties or storytelling ability, none of that... affects any who do not enter.  Step into a man's mind, any man, at your own risk.  Even so, it is not cold.  It isn't the intention. The fire drains so excruciatingly slowly, nothing more.  Some doors are shut, that has to be made clear as well.

The goal is to be as publicly quiet, physically unobtrusive, out of peoples hair, as possible until my time is spent.  I didn't mention, but I stopped hiking because I frightened people on the path.  Salutations, avoidance, giving the greatest berth possible, it just didn't matter.  Just passing time, mostly alone.  Do you think I couldn't chase?  Do you honestly think I am that weak, stupid, incapable?  I have seen no reciprocal interest so I returned the  favor.  It is how it is done, anything else is stalking.

I just don't get it.  It reminds me of the one who was too young, and a year older than me.  I did the right thing, ending it before making her pregnant while we were still in school, and being despised for it.  I still don't get that, then or now.  If you can't deal with slow death, fevered notions, some good and horrible memories, and the rest here, go away and never come back.  I have enough suffering and loneliness as is.  Keep your problems to yourself.  Any resemblances to real life may in fact be such, sometimes mixed with echoes of various shades, hues, of memories, not all, not many, pleasant.  And the future is guaranteed to go dark, usually becoming damn near intolerable, as are many of my days.

Leave.  Go.  This isn't a comfortable place.  Then again what life, what skin, is.  Not here, not yet.  Stay away if you can't take bumps.  If I see opportunity I might take it.  If I can do I might.  If the way is well barred and I am unwelcome I will not draw near.  That isn't cold.  Perhaps some know or don't in opposition to my take?  My take seems correct far more often.  I DO see.  Never mind the more, just trouble me no more.

Music with which to sleep?

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Maybe.  I'll take them.  They... were already in the queue, if... you were curious.

Several notes about clotted cream.

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As to chilling for twenty four hours?  Perhaps that might make it better, if I am not quite sure how.  I needed something butterlike today.  Potatoes simply don't work well with else.  After a test I believed the matter settled, almost.  Better cream used to be used to for unsalted butter.  Or so it was said.  I suspect, while there may be truth in that, as much as animals, including the human animal, like salt, when people found salted butter they never went back, for raw uses.  The secular pilgrims and other totalitarians need not apply.

Unsalted butter became a cooking ingredient.  As with butter so clotted cream, it needed and received salt.  I went a bit on the shy side, just almost enough, so adding salt to the baked potatoes wasn't excessive.  I am simply to normalized on salted butter.  The thing with salting?  It requires mixing, which means I couldn't keep it in it's rustic state.  Even so, the solids mixed to more a whipped butter than standard butter.  Adding honey, or a homemade preserve would really add an extra touch.  It' easy enough for an ogre well past his time.  Not every time, sometime I will just want the heavy cream.  But now I know.  The butter cream from the process might be good for baking, but I have to believe the cultures are gone, so it won't work to make creme fraiche.  I'll research, if possible.  I thought about adding salt to the cream, working up an amount standard.  I just wonder if that would mess up the buttermilk?  I'll... think, research.

Morning notes.

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Bedtime was correct.  Even getting the clotted cream going and fussing with my version of creme fraiche, which took two days out, if finding warmth, even with the heat up, is a trick.  Fresh bedding, a made bed, a clean body, and work (whatever you really can do, then some) is the recipe for good sleep.  I still use the fan at night, with no direct heat in that room, turning the fan off if I wake a bit too cool inthe early morning.

Everything worked.  The bed has been made.  The clotted cream turned out as expected, as far as appearances can tell.  It has already been cooled, wrapped, and refrigerated.  The threequarter quart terrine I bought a few years back was perfect, though I realy should try a pate before long.  I'll check the pseudo creme fraiche in a bit, it just isn't thickening as it has/should.  It'll still work for some things but not all.  I suppose I could blend it with standard sour cream, but that... sort of ruins the notion.  I'll... contemplate on the tree of woe.  I am using active kefir instead of active buttermilk, but that should make it thicker!?!  Tree. of. woe.

About half.

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Less, actually.  A shower, no shave.  A good bit of cleaning in the visitor room, well a bit of tidying, a bit more sweeping, then mopping and rinse mopping.  All for naught.  I suspect I chased a bird off.  Not in anger, not to be mean either.  Just for peace of mind.  Peace for my mind.  Or not.  As suspicious as one can be, even if gifted/cursed with sight, certainty is not usually a grant, especially when dealing with dames.  I also changed the sheets, made the bed which is becoming nearly a daily, then took that and all other clothes back to be washed.

I am done for the day, save for making clotted cream perhap.  I have no butter and won't be up to being out for a bit.  Perhaps this will do.  If it isn't as hoped, next time I will use the whole cream to make butter.  I just want to try this.  Something to try by doing at least once before death, or the next death, certainly before the last one.  I'll need to see about a container, pyrex, that will give the desired depth, first making sure the oven will go low enough.  I do have pint jars to store the liquids, might even attempt scones with it.  I won't do jam, but I purchase low-sugar jams for rare treats.

A busy day.

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That is the hope.  A shower, shave, bedding change, as starters.  Laundry a bit later.  As well, doing more in the sitting room, what was the computer room.  It would be nice to finish it.  Or mostly.  If I get it cleared and clean, getting the leather love seat cleared, treated, and out there is part of the plan, but not quite possible today.  Food needs to be cooked, a pint of creme fraiche (a tastier sour cream) was started last evening.  I may make clotted cream (a fancy butter) over this next night.  Meats need roasted to mostly done, parted into portions, then wrapped until grilling or slicing for cold cuts.

I don't know.

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Strange thoughts, a song to match and music to go with other recent notions.  What does it all mean?  Not even my concern at the moment.  A nap is required first.

Almost regular.

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For several days , maybe a week or more?, waking at 5:00, give or take.  One day, for efforts, was off, but only by two.  I have two things that must be done, and a few things I would like to do.  Having a regular day helps, but isn't necessary after I learned a few tricks.  Day is only necessary for some business, yet is preferred.  Morning rambling, using writing to wake.  So dark lately, not helping.

Oh, when I deposited several checks from various returns I finally ordered a blade, tire chains, and a rear counter-weight kit for the cub cadet.  I am lucky snow hasn't hit yet, or to speak of.  It is supposed to arrive the 21st.  Then to install it.  It won't be needed most of the time.  However, I may use it to keep the sidewalks out back open, and clear a path to the coop and barn.  If that works well enough, maybe chickens in the spring.  That has been one of my main hold-offs.  Though I should check some things, town ordinances might have changed.  Oh, and I will build an auto-feeder and put an all-weather water system in... if all else checks.  Hmm, and winter would be a good time to clear wasp nests.

I am hoping to finish the computer room between today and tomorrow.  Not using it currently, so cleaning and shutting it off seems best.  Once completely clean and clear, mostly, I can begin fitting it, furniture wise, rightly for intended uses.  I would like to keep the girls out.  But it is the only room with accessible south-facing windows.  That it will be much cooler might discourage general play out there?  While they have their wonderfully lush winter coats they seem reluctant to use them.  I'll find out.

Another shower, maybe a shave.  Love those things, showers anyway.  Shaves?  When all is right and they go well.  While learning the razolution or such, shaving is akin to walking on plate ice.  Sometimes when wet.  Still, a bit of stupid bravado is required, even for old roosters, as a necessity of right man life.  Gotta strut right into sometimes.  Life without risk would be even worse than life without women?  Can't quite say that as some of my women were, probably still are even to me, dangerous.  I've seen death in the depths of some of their beautiful blinkers, and just smiled in taunt.  Shaving is sexy again, but there are limits.  A few more shaves and I'll know.  Taking plenty of time should help too.  -  Always read between the lines.

Some sleepers must sleep.

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Others not so much.

Good sleep is often a reward of work.

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So it was.  After the visit, though, that was that.  I do think I might finish that room yet this week.  No longer using it, so I may be able to clear, clean, and split into a minor office and visitor are, using a divider of some sort, a standing screen sort of thing.  I have always preferred small work areas when needing  to focus.  Yeah, cubicles have there purpose.

I even used the razorlution for the first time.  Ihave had it for years.  Was waiting unti I could use a regular double edge well first.  One hint?  Don't try a new sharp when pressed for time.  My face looked like it was in a one-sided fight with a cat, definitely the loosing side.  My first contact review is mixed.  Given the time push, I am not blaming the razor.  It got some angles a single blade just can't.  But some areas were as treacherous as a ghetto.  Experience may help, or it may simply be too large for sme areas.  Shave with it and I will give you three points for bravery and one or two for stupity depending on if you have experience with standard razors of that design.    

Mine has a mahogany handle.  Advice?  Hold on loosely but don't let go, or dance, while shaving.  Will be trying it for the next month, when I remember to shave that is.  And after my face grows back.  :p

No work today, probably.  I did work my feet though to.  With some lotion, I might keep them from becoming so rough.  I used a microplane, one for feet.  Amazed.  So much faster than pumice.  Worked the cuticles too.  Those can turn into barbed wire.  A few more things, then I can relax more, a few after that and I can sleep through the winter if needs be, other than weekly tracking, random visits, and calls home.

Hmm, pork, seered, and a glass of milk.  Best feed the girls first.  Later.

At it again.

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Guests arriving in a few hours.  A room is being prepared.  If nothing else I will know work was done in there.  Pork ribs have finished and are cooling.  Once cooled they will be cut into portions, wrapped, refrigerated until wanted, then seered on coals for that bacon-like finish.

A shower, shave, a bit more work, then after the visit, bills.  Worked up a good sweat, though that is much easier with the oven going.  Later.

Seven thirty, all is well.

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The hour became late before I took notice.  Sleep was not an option, observation would have had no affect.  Until a bit after midnight I played on.  At least when the realization dawned sleep was available.  For my cyclical sin, waking to an exquisite sort of headache was the price.  It was as if a long curved stilleto blade had been sent through from just above my left brow onto the center of my spine somehow, with great care to include every nerve and bundle possible.  Almost a migraine, probably muscular, fading as I wake.

Among my haul, fresh fruit.  Tig ol' gratefruits, red pears, and honeycrisp apples.  Red pears seem to hit and hold peak longer.  Their standard sisters go from too green to falling apart mush in days, here.  I would guess the reds are from closer?  Apples are always a bit of a gamble.  Depends when they arrived and their origin.  No fault on grociers.  It's just how it works.  To be honest I am amazed at their craft.  Might seem simple, humble, maybe mean.  But I, for one am grateful, impressed.  The honeycrisps, this time, were perfect.  Maybe a gratefruit first?  If it is too acidic I have meat in reserve, ready to heat.  Some citrus hits hard, especially if it's been a while.

Two bills to pay, another shower, a bit more work.  Then waiting.  After today I can sleep as needed.  In two weeks I will begin calling ssa once a week until I know what next.  Other than that hibernation.  Later.

Much done.

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The start was late.  As I was gaming and waking I was waiting for the world to lighten.  The sun has been out often lately.  I think in the mornings.  Not this one.  When it dawned on me that the crack of said wouldn't be bright and shiny I had to rush.  10:50 or something.  The post office closes at noon.  There is the other town, but other than neighbor and mrs. neighbor, the post officer is the only other human in a thousand plus miles who can vouchsafe my identity.  I bug the neighbors too much as is, so...  So I rushed.

I made it.  The second packet has been sent to social security.  I don't believe this will have any more effect than the other.  But it is done.  Then the checks for utilies were dropped.  Then to town.  Not enough to do the leaf thing.  A new rake, charcoal, and lighter fluid.  On to grocery shopping.  Chili sounds good, but I didn't want to mess with dry beans.  Still have to, but just for one kind, kidney.  I can do that.  Enogh food to, probably, last the month.

I wish I could clear and clean in here.  I just can't.  I have two bills to pay, then I am caught up.  Ugh.  I don't think I can talk.  If I get my voice back before bedtime... most likely tomorrow.  I'm good wit tomorrow. This I am sure about.  Argh!  Forgot butter!  That, milk, and meat are vital.  I've been eating three to five pounds a day, staying right at 264... go figure.  With the right water pill dose, finally, my weight doesn't vary more than a quarter pound.  Amazing, to me.

Good night.

Ugh.

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Nothing for days.  I continue medicine, food, a regularized day cycle if with extra sleep.  Nothing else.  I am gaming more.  Sometimes that is a negative.  Sometimes, as now, it is a good thing.  Without outside human pressures, gaming provides structure, instruction, even requires learning, adaptation, and provides an environment to potential be creative in which to explore if only virtually.  It also keeps the engine and transmission (?), mind and body, in idle.

Each new day I hope for more.  Today is no different.  I am hoping for a shower by 6:00, that is within two hours and change.  Zero's attack on right blog times remains, I belief.  That is another thing for a real pro-American government to fix.  He feared true information would get out, so created a time-stamp hold-off so they could "fix" something, then cover it up, in theory.  Doesn't work.  It's like calling the cops versus the speed of light, and the cops on that beat aren't exactly the cream of the crop, more Zerosons, men, loosely, who can't find real work.

On to waking and gaming.  Ugh.

Always tomorrow?

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As far as the mortal coil goes, to the extent ot it's awareness, yes.  When the last lights out happens it is no longer a, at least conscious concern.  Trust me on that one.  Well?  It's tomorrow!  Sort of.  Until the day officially starts it is right before tomorrow, another shot at another shot.  Not a morning man, though sometimes, at the right angle, as with the crack of dawn.  *looks askance*

I'll try the list for yesterday.  Sleep was better.  Down around 18:00, up around 4:00, add an half hour and sleep, while still short for recent norms, is more tolerable in every way. If I can get sleep to six to eight hours, and days to fourteen to eighteen, I can begin digging out.  Yeah, I know, would just be a short-term thing until the next crash.  Still, it's something to shoot at.

I'm prepping a roast, if another splatter of spaghetti and dose of raw milk might kick things off. Meds are down, heat is up, I think the plan has abetter start today.  I thought I had the heat up earl yesterday, didn't... if I am sure I turned it up.  Electrical hiccup?  Threw me, in any case. Today I am watchful, listening.  Tricky damned world while my environmental margins have reduced to that of the fiscal margins of a bum.

Good morning, Dawn.

Still stuck.

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Can't stick it out of neutral.  The engine lights.  Not sure what the problem is.  I'll keep at it.  I have enough food to load for a few days.  I have been eating, if more as a duty after that first meal.  At one time that pot of spaghetti and meat sauce was two, maybe three meals.  This one will be eight to ten meals, more if it doesn't go bad or become intolerable before, even then seemingly too much per meal.

Medicine and sleep, with food, and I hope to finish a few things.  Such dreams lately, and notions.  Really started wondering if death was knocking, closing in.  Maybe Dreamers sleep differently, maybe it is... lots of things, many perhaps most beyond mere science... being a tool limited to the observable, physical.  Those who limit themselves to such are, truly, retarded.  Not an insult just an understanding of limits.  Not an iq thing, a wholeness thing, like a spiritual colorblindness.  Anyway, do your best in any case.  You will know in less than a hundred years, some of you far less.

I actually believe I have three to more like four decades remaining.  They really should have been honest at the start.  A heart transplant would have been far cheaper.  I would have been dead within six years.  Fire those .gov/.mil bean counters.  :p  Of course they are still aiming for .gov medicine to weed my kind out.  I wonder, if incompetent care isn't fast enough, will they turn to outright genocide, or just legalize then shove doctor murder-suicide?  Glad they messed up their charts, but not out of spite.  It took a long time to... find the source of the Voice.  Kept rejecting where that kept leading.  Until I ran out of every last other option and reasonable objection.  Boy is God longwinded!

Did you know auto-fill won't do some words?  Suicide is one.  There are others.  Start logging them to see what history and politics are being hidden.  Google will end up making Weinstein seem like just a bad boy if their sins, literal, political, and social are ever explored with prosecution in mind.

Later.

A start.

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I was awake until after 20:00.  I can't be certain how much later.  I was only awake that late because I needed to eat.  I had to thaw hamburger, then cook it and pasta.  I wouldn't have been able to sleep without food.  I had started choking on hunger juices, created from long fasting and those bits of work.  Didn't eat near as much as expected, if I ate well enough.

Waking at 5:20, roughly.  Being forced to jumble my day that long, then sleep so late if also so short of a time comparatively has me a bit unsettled.  More food this morning.  I suspect I will have to slowly feed up to get going.  I won't be able to just shove through. Which means food is immediate priority.  Though I can do other small things on the side.  Charcoal, meat, maybe a few veggies for... color?  Blast if I know.

Dreams, no memories of them.  Good feelings though.  Sleep was good as well, just dragging from the forced shift.  I'll see what happens.  Another shower, a real shave, and making the bed in the next few hours?  All but guaranteed.  What then is the real question.  A nap might be needed and conducive to doing more, say a bit before noon?  The notion offers incentive to getting a few extra things done beforehand.  Good morning.  Later.

Not quite.

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I was sure I would be faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, and able to leap over tall buildigs with a single bound. Yeah, about that no food in a while thing.  I got a shower in.  I might yet shave, perhaps resetting dishes for another wash, but that is it.  Even that, a few days, week, without food and sleeping like that...  Thawing burger for a very meaty spaghetti dinner.  Barely walking, but I'll try to be closer to ready after tanking up.

Oh, I'll get there.  Monday will be a fresh start.  I am sure.  Just forgot some things.  Later or good night.  I suspect I'll be crashing rather than slipping gently to sleep.  Just gotta try to keep the day.  I've fought hard for it.  Be well.

Slow going.

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I expected a bit more umph.  I just did.  Sometimes I really can crawl out of my little grave and tackle the world.  The sense was there.  Fine, I'll go as fast as possible.  The dishes got the first hit and I prepped my whiskers for a real shave.  Working a blade through bushwire just isn't fun.  Tamed and shaving becomes almost a pleasure.  Those things and feeding the brats ended my battery packs.  Well, I am making my bed in the mornings now, and put cases on new pillows I just received.  Hey, it adds up.  :p

A quick post, a bit of gaming, then back to it.  A shower, shave, then to the post office and paying a bill.  Then else.  I forgot to turn the heat up.  That isn't the whole problem, if that will help.  Might have to eat soon.  It's been a while.  Yeah, that'll put a wrench in the machine.

My mother called.  Wisdom teeth problems, it got cold there, otherwise good.  Yeah, not all sunny and easy, but not all bad.  She is scheduling work for what she can fix and doing what she can to manage the rest.  I told her to expect a day or two of sun soon.  Special delivery.  Not sure about help with the wind, that goes with living in a continent sized valley!  *grin*

Later.

Getting somewhere.

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A muscle headache, on waking, typical of cycle shifting.  Awake until after 17:00, as good as memory goes.  At least an half hour beyond, maybe several hours beyond. Short-term memory becomes as a mosquito finding itself on the windshield of a car at speed... minding it's own business, then spots an asshole it is sure it should recognize, then lights out.  Meds, anacine, a bit of reading, writing, gaming, and waking first.  Then new and old plans.

Old plans?  Paperwork and bills, a few added, new month.  New?  A leaf barrel, more bags, several rakes to try things, and a few pieces of hardware.  Leaves are back.  I want to give them a go.  I need to do dishes in the way, shower, shave, and such first.  Did I get better?  No, I don't think so.  A bit of sun the last few days, and a slight nudge from a netizen neighbor, which I will share.  Because friends do that.

I wish I could more truly share my dreams.  Not that I have fears, less so in the long run, if concerns for order and right chaos until balance must be surrendered to the war between those.  Attrition, in essence, of life against itself.  I still don't think... no, it is understood.  Hubris, pride really.  I remember my own hand in that.  I know how the story ends, the main one and mine.  The haggling, marshalling, war, and attempts at "peace", and all else must be endured, I finally see, for the hope of salvation for the largest number of souls.  It, at times, seems such a dreadful hope.  Then again so did homework... until the pop-quiz.

Back to waking.  Good morning, while I am at it.  Go get em'.

Mostly new.

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Won't suggest.  A future, mere worry of others, just more of the ethereal?