Better stats as I head to a nap.

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Nap?  Who knows.  Anyway...

Blood sugar went right down with a standard dose.  It went to 127 then 119 and back up to 135 after a meal per the first two numbers and several hours after the last meal.  I did do an eight cc dose with the first read and meal.  Trying to keep the numbers in trim.  Right, wrong?  Or is it just the numbers that count?

BP was a bit better, at 134/84 with a pulse of 77.  That after somewhat intense gaming.

It, neither, always makes sense.  Usually they follow food and medicine, right until they don't.  Very good numbers, given everything.  Ugh, though, it's been a slog.

I have been cleaning and cycling my tea jars tonight.  I wasn't up to much else.  If stats are any indication, and sometimes they are, the future holds real opportunity.  Summer is gone, with it the heat.  I can dress for the cool and cold better than anything regarding heat.  And tolerances and relearning to layer clothing has truly improved life, even in high summer.  The darkness is another matter.

A nap, perhaps more.  Sleep and waking aren't tracking well, but if called, I might be able to get things together... with lead time.  Possibly.  Later, or much later.

Again with the blood sugar.

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After getting it to plunge quite strangely, without food, it started rising after that initial meal.  I let it go until after six hours of not eating, it had reached 145.  I had a meal, took a normal dose, and this morning (afternoon to normal folk), as I woke, it is 180 fasting.  Annoying.  But I won't dose below 150ish, give or take and considering trend.

BP is 145/100 pulse 75.  Better.  Oh, I really need to... no, I'll... I've got it.  I sometimes forget the left hand, so focused on the right.  It's all good when it's all good.

Sleep was good.  I did some dishes, and will soon tell of a new man-method.  I also finally made it to the post.  Our new postman is tolerant.  I pushed it a bit far this time, through failure not orneriness.  I need to not do that... find a way.  Don't test good things.

Ah, the man method...  for washing dishes.  I purchased a set for car washing using a drill.  I have never gotten around to using those for the intended purpose.  So, 2 + 3 +5 = 10, of course.  I pulled the system out, attached it to the drill, and... zoom, zoom zoom zoom!  Now, it won't work on everything... namely the inside of bottles... which I am looking into changing.  But pots, pans, cutlery, utensils, the outside of bottles, and a few other things?  ZOOM!

What it costs in arm strength it saves in bent back time.  It does well.  I suspect a copper wire or steel brush can be attached just through pressure coupling for more serious scrubbing, as well, a barkeeper's or ajax powder can be used for lighter, more delicate scrubbing, or on reflective stainless.  Yeah.  I haven't done a lot, yet.  Still wasn't up to it.  Today.  If it is worth it, for the rest of you bach's out there, with power tools... and no dishwasher of either sort... there you go.  Plus, it will be exercise.

Oh, as the world cools...  I was a bit fearful the upstairs would get too cold.  It was getting to 61º up there.  Which, mostly, is okay.  Sometimes the heart or diabetes causes a weakness to even that mild of a cool temperature.  Then again, 71º can be a bit cold to me, with certain givens.

As it turns out, if I set the furnace to 70º, without opening the foot and a half vent, the furnace keeps the floor region about 68°, and the waste high temperature about 65°.  In the winter, at times, I want the furnace on, to offer a buffer in case of an extended power outage.  I really need to figure out a solar alternative, say a 100 watt system, dedicated as backup.  The furnace runs, it simply doesn't have a forced blower, in a grid down.

Tidbits, perhaps chuckles, for your day.  Good day, afternoon.

Blood sugar is acting up.

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Waking blood sugar was 151 definitely fasting.  I had a fatted coffee and... something else, something keto and light, plus a light dose of insulin.  I wasn't sure about the insulin, so I added a fatted tea (more like an half cup of cream per, as I am cutting calories).  A few hours later, blood sugar was 193 (hours after finishing all foods)!

So, I hit it a dose and an half, having a tuna sandwich (with a keto flatbread) and glass of milk.  I needed a nap.  Waking two hours ago, feeling a bit off, I checked blood sugar.  No wonder I was so groggy.  It was 59 about four hours after dosing!  I hit the last dose so hard because it should have dropped, not risen.

I had a bite to eat.  I avoid the carb pills, because they jerk things far too high.  I have them, and will use them for certain times and circumstances.  No, I went with food.  An hour later, it was to 82, two hours later it is up to 123.  That is quite a jump, I'll keep a close eye on it for the next few days.  A few extra checks and checking precisely rather than loosely.  I do what I can.  Later.

Such a strange girl.

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Observant too, I should think.

Dream a little dream... of dinner?

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Dinner?  I don't remember which meal, or snack, whole meal or single food... all I do remember is waking with an overflow of salivation.  Drooling.  It was the amount of fluid flowing that woke me.  Impressive.  Well, that and a hunger that has grown since. A fatted tea, as soon as the fresh spot of it is finished brewing.

Blood sugar is better, at 151 fasting and the average finally back down to 132 for the week.  When blood sugar, for any reason, is high... with more insulin on hand, I hit it hard, often.  I am not having to be stingy.  And... that is working.  Partial fasting wasn't helping, nor the smaller doses.  With it where it is at, a 15 to 20 cc dose is reasonable.  My physical size simply requires more.  Bp is off because I missed meds last night.

No, I don't like insulin.  But in my recent condition it is the only thing that offers some control.  If I get back to a better place, fasting may be brought back to bear.  My arms have increased another quarter inch in girth.  I definitely have an unusual growth ability, especially at my age.  If that might be a bit of a problem by itself.  Going from 14 1/2" to 15 3/4" in a week from a few hours of work and play?  And, yes, the measurements are spot on.

Dishes... I need to hit those some time today.  Perhaps put a single load of laundry through.  And a shower would be good.  The dishes will take two hits, and a rinse.  Oh, the post!  I have a package in!  I... lost track.  For now, the ducks will be put out, then cats fed.  I am only giving out two thirds of a can, saving some back for Sassy, as a later snack.  I am trying to get her to lose weight.  The trouble is, when they fatten, like people, getting it off is murder.  Later.

Finally, some work.

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To say the place is a mess would be putting it nicely.  I haven't been able to work.  And work is difficult when possible.  Changed out cat litter and swept that area as a part of it.  I went through dishes, fitting what I could into the bin.  Then as much trash as could be found was collected, bagged, put in the bin, and taken to the curb.

It wasn't that much work, but it was all at once.  I am hoping to be to bed by midnight. Far earlier than the last three or four nights.  I did everything in about an half hour.  If I had been thinking, I would have taken a shower first, at least before soaking the dishes.  I will wash off tonight, just not the best, or easiest way.  I'm trying to clean up daily, more so.  Every other day if not possible.  But daily is my ardent intention.

Blood sugar was high this morning.  I've dosed well twice, then a mild dose later.  It's been working.  I also checked bp, finally.  Not perfect, at 125/105, pulse of 91.  It sure beats 150s/120s, much better than 210s/180s.  Choices.  I have only been on full dose for about a week now.  So... yeah.  I am good with it.  I am doing what I can do.  And it is all heading in the right directions.

I called my mother.  She sounds tired, thin.  I know that.  Still, a call and big and small talk, and a long familiar voice, helps.  I tried to keep it cheery.  Yeah, some days.  I wasn't perfect, but... got back to better the few minor strayings.  Fall and spring... good, beautiful, temperate, but... with change follow moods.  Cheers!

Almost bedtime.  Another hour, because.  Good night.

She rang?

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Shes didn't wish to be left out of contemplations?  So it is, or... isn't?

Who?

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Who, exactly, is it they see?  I see what some see.

So very sore and tired.

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The weather is playing a strong part.  But getting out and doing, after an exceptionally long nearly complete downtime is playing it's part.  I would say those are eighty percent, with the rest of it getting used to medicine.  My muscles are still repairing, tight, burning sometimes.

My arms went from fourteen and an half to fifteen and an half inches around.  With little to do, I entertain curiosity.  I just happened to have recently measured my arms, so had a basis with which to compare.  I am not sure how much growth is normal, or through what effort.  I suspect that is a lot of growth though.

Sleeping on the floor is still a bit tough as well.  I am continuing.  I am ordering an inexpensive floor mat, when possible, to see if it makes such sleeping... easier.  It... I don't know.  As I remember, it took several months to get used to it, at tech school.  Then it was really good.  I'll have to decide if it is worth the struggle.

Blood sugar is still high, but sub two hundred and twelve points less than yesterday morning.  I'll keep at it.  The bloody nose lasted until bedtime.  That is the longest bloody nose I remember.  I had to stop taking aspirin weeks ago, because it was causing nearly daily bleeds.  I hope this was just a fluke.

I'll let the ducks out, feed the girls, and set a fresh pot of tea so as to have chia and a fatted coffee.  All as warm as possible.  Another cool, perhaps rainy day.  Warm food cheers like little else.  Good afternoon and day.

A day of resting.

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A bit sore and tired.  It has been raining every time I have listened or looked out.  It may have stopped?  If it had, by sound, it is back at it.  Last time I checked it was ~45°.  It was that temperature outside every time I checked.  Indoors, the main and upstairs have been staying right at 67°~ 68°.  Up front is and has been 63°.

Blood sugar, after a single dose and meal, dropped ninety nine points to 96 a few hours later.  A few hours since then it is 95 without having had anything but plain tea.  I have had a bloody nose for ten hours.  It just won't stop.  For a few hours, both were bleeding.  And, no, I don't pick the thing, I use facial tissues.  Odd, with humidity... it has to be high with this much rain.

A fatted tea, several ounces of cheese, and salami will be supper.  I will test several hours later.  I doubt if it will be high enough for another dose, which doesn't make sense.  Even when on pure keto recently, I was needing 20 cc's three times a day.  When I wrote differently, it was to not exceptions.

I wonder if being on full heart medicine is the difference.  As mentioned, I don't believe I have diabetes.  I think I have partial organ failure, like a rolling brownout, hitting whichever organ(s) my body thinks is up to taking the hit.  It looks like diabetes, but medicine acts strangely.  Heart medicine seems to be far more important.

Dinner time.  Later, or good night.

Late but awake.

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I woke at 7:30.  Pulled the curtain, took a look outside.  It didn't make sense, as if an artist based on the general palate of Picasso, using color rather than form had rendered the day.  It was horrible, my mind closed back in around itself.  I slept until Sassy braved the steps to know food is needed, and begging isn't above her proud lineage.  That cat can sing for hours!  Fine, and fie.

Ducks are let out.  It is raining, and 45°, but they are ducks.  I, for the last three days, have been getting one egg a day.  Today I got three.  Perfect, huge, a true eggshell to warm light golden, whole color.  I think they had been molting, for an extended time.  They probably can't lay for too long into winter?  Who knows.

Blood sugar is high again, as usual.  But it sub 200.  It's only done that once since I messed up food, then did it again recently.  I can easily have burgers, just no bun... and fish or chicken, just not with breading.  I used to be able to do those in small amounts, but not on insulin.  If I could keep up on fasting, that would be the better way.  It isn't the difficulty involved, it is remembering.

Late awake.  I will try to be to bed early tonight.  I have been slipping.  Brushing teeth is back on schedule, medicine is into a week, at least, since a miss... probably two weeks. It is nicely, regularly, cool.  Sleeping on the floor is going well, and I am eating more regularly.  If I could stay away from carbs...  Later.

Tired and sore.

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I was asked if I could help yesterday.  Maybe by ten.  So... I woke at eight thirty, showered, and had a fatted tea by a quarter after nine.  It didn't happen until past seventeen hundred.  It ended up just being a ten minute job, but one that would have been thirty hard minutes solo.  I considered it more a favor than work.

Actually slinging clays after was more exhausting than the work.  Even so, it was good to get out.  Will do so as possible.  It was a good day to be out.  And while the work was short, I know it helped.  It is good to be considered useful.  Even pitching clays and popping of a few rounds was good.

As noted, I am sore today.  It is a good thing.  The ducks and girls have been fed.  I woke late, gravity was harsh this morning.  I did get an alarm clock and it's radio signal device linked, set, and synced.  I had been looking for the receiver for a while, then the small screwdriver set, then batteries, then... took forever to get it all together.  Finally, everything together, the time, the energy.  Had to just figure some things out, but done.

I was so tired last night I didn't brush my teeth.  After brushing most nights for a year now, save short hard down times, missing is horrible.  It will happen if I push too hard.  Usually three times a day now, sometimes four.  Brushed already.  Would love to shower, to tired.

A fatted tea shortly, heating up chicken after that, then mostly resting today.  Life is good.  Later.

A bit weary.

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Given that medicine was just topped as to dosage a few days ago, and I did a bit of work out in the heat yesterday, plus I started sleeping on the floor a few days ago?  Really, not bad.  I am not as tired as I can be just on a worse general day.  Now, I was crushed yesterday, by the time we finished.  I recovered well, oddly.  I've never done that well in my memory, since becoming ill.  Ritalin, in tiny doses, made it resemble that, but at a serious price.

I couldn't work today.  Probably not tomorrow.  But I don't have a lot of pain.  So weird.  Oh, and I tanned, a lot.  If the sun was out I would have burned.  I need to wear long sleeves and a serious sun hat.  Avoid the sun-blocker clothing.  I will, and will advise it, bad stuff.  No sun-blocker chems either.  Mechanical, pant legs, long sleeves, layers if needed, gloves, and a good head covering.

I am able to game.  And focus on shows when switching between the two.  I can read with some reasonable clarity.  A good day.

Blood sugar started out really high.  A dose took it from 209 fasting to 131 several hours after food and a dose, then on to 102 with nothing else to eat or dose.  Strange how that works sometimes.  I have been struggling, with higher doses, lately.  Work helps.  But pizza should have... never mind.  I am hoping chicken thaws.  Will grill if so.

Today is very cool.  The storm which toyed yesterday, preceded by a warm front, made more than a promise.  Rain and cool temperatures.  It was 40... something... this morning... eight or three or two?  It is 65° currently, or so.  I work much better in the cool to cold.

It's a good life, for as rough as it can be.  I hope... opportunities expand.  A bit more if, as, possible.  I am seeing possibilities.  Good day.

Down late, up late.

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A few hours of work and I was afraid it would hurt to sleep and waking up.  The fear kept me up.  Strange but true.  Well, that was part of it.  The other two parts were the chemicals produced in my body to work and from working act as a pleasant stimulants, and it was still 75° well past 21:00.

I turned both ac's on before showering.  While it was only 70° upstairs, with me in it, an added 2° to 4° isn't impossible.  I was absolutely caked in salt.  And in spite of having washed completely, and I do mean completely, yesterday morning, it was as if I hadn't showered in a week in the nethers.  Not used to working.  Anyway, after the shower and drying off, I actually only crashed because the internet stopped functioning.  I know how to fix it, it... it was time to go to bed.

I left one ac on, the good one, said a short but solid prayer, and went to sleep.  I didn't sleep quickly.  I had to, gingerly, find the right several positions into which I could roll and lay painlessly, or more so, which took a bit to sort, then drift down through the various pains.

As I woke this morning, I came to consciousness as purposely slowly as possible.  If I was in great pain, I didn't want that to flood all at once.  If you have never been dead, you have no idea what waking into devastating pain, agony really, can truly be like.  From my sojourn into quickening, I have learned to awaken about an organ at a time.

Actually, I am feeling a bit tight but... good.  I was able to get off the floor easily.  I took my time, and let my body take the easy way, which probably wasn't necessary.  Still, no reason to push.  I am awake and well.  Sore to be sure, but little more than middling bad days after having done nothing.  Clean, feeling pretty good, and satisfied in having helped complete a useful project.  All good.  Later.

Work!

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A neighbor needed an extra set of hands.  Luckily I was awake and aware.  Up a bit late, but good enough.  He wanted to create a pen for his turkeys.  He had a smaller, mobile, pen.  It just wasn't enough.  So he envisioned a 20' by 20' pen, as a run for his 5' by 7' mobile enclosure.  A bit of work.

Pounding t posts, unrolling and wiring screening, in the 82° outdoors.  Mostly cloudy, with a storm brewing, at least the direct sun wasn't hammering us.  And fresh breezes helped.  A long, for me, day.  I was happy to help.  I wasn't just hands.  I helped idea-wise too.  Further, our mechanical ideas are similar.  If one of us thinks of a method, the other might well have stumbled on it in time.  I think I surprised him a few times.  Both with ideas and being johnny-on-the-spot with tools and parts.

It was good to work.  I need to get my cold/hot drink containers cleaned and set up.  He may ask for help in the future.  I may even be taught to drive a tractor.  I can't help much, but a few times a week, just to hold things, to get out.  It is good, even just a bit.  To think, to work, to help.  I'd do it for pay if I could do it enough.  It just... but I might be able to do a bit.  Will see.  The more difficult part is just being awake at the right times and aware of contact attempts.

I blistered and burned through those quickly.  I must remember gloves.  A great few hours anyway.  Fried.  Another shower, then gaming, then to bed early.  Awesome.

Oh, blood sugar was 225 this morning.  After breakfast and a standard dose, it dropped to 122.  Had a few pieces of pizza for supper, it is up to 169 but I didn't have insulin.  I'll dose as I head to the shower, check it in a few hours.  Ac will be set to go, then turn it to fan as I go to sleep if it is cool enough.  Later.

Perhaps.

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Blood sugar is still pulling left... high, wrong, bad, that is.  Again it started out at about 176, then after a lighter dose and fatted coffee plus several hours, it pushed to 196 again.  After a bit more to eat, and a larger dose, it is down to 140.  I plan on another, last, meal and another dose, possibly two more doses.

Last night I finally decided I had had enough.  The cot, you see, has finally become too uncomfortable.  It is made to handle nearly two hundred over my weight.  However, I am... dense.  Well overweight, but at 280 with a 38" waist and 52"~54" chest, it doesn't look (quite) as bad as it sounds.  On the odd side, it means I more cut into the cot than am distributed over the whole thing.

I suspected the floor would end up being more comfortable.  Still, I constructed the underlay with care, to include a powerful pillow under my lower calves.  Elevated legs, docs asked for it, that has become a sleep thing since my first attempt at sleeping on the floor.  Anyway, I wasn't too sure after settling in.

It ended being a much better sleep.  I have aches, but fewer of them, milder pains, and in new spots.  I suspect these will pass.  It was far easier to roll.  I probably didn't roll as often as I wanted, but I am not used to the allowance.  Rolling on the cot was expensive, consumed too much energy, was difficult, and could be painful.  As I get used to the freedom, I will use it.  Getting up off the floor wasn't too bad, either.  Oh, and I think Sam enjoyed it a lot more too.  If, as is typical with women, she kept stealing MY BLANKETS!  Human, feline, on some matters there is no difference!

 Meds are going down well.  A bit tired.  More tired?  No, if not exactly perky.  If the sun is out, I'll open up.  After a nap.  I have trimmed the whiskers, now to shower and shave.  I have been brushing my teeth again since starting medicine again.  Cycles.  Still a month off with nine or more months on at two to four times a day is far better than several times a week or even month.  Heart medicine, when all was set, and while I can keep on it, really has allowed improvements.

Lunch then a nap?  Sounds like a plan.  Later.

Dream a little dream...

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Talking to giants.  Who, you might ask?  Michael, Desert Cat, Vox, and others.  Readers, consumers really, and producers, of the very products about which the discussion was based.  From, who... Heinlein, give or take, on up to today.  The secret writers.  Some from before, for scale, with an ear to history, into literary homage.  It was a wonderful experience, if more as a child, literarily, somehow seated at the big people's table.

Oh, I had heard of their beloved masters of science fiction, prose, poetry, and horror.  I had, for one reason or another, rejected most.  There were a few jewels I wouldn't fully reject, flaws and all.  Hemingway, and a few others.  Still, the regaling of stories and tidbits about authors, bringing the dead quick if but for a brief moment while giving the living an elevated status.  The nature of storytelling the more vivid through obvious adoption amongst the devotees.

On it went until the spun bottle landed in my direction, for the third time... fourth, fifth?  No longer was a claim of ignorance, self-denial, or other attempts at evasion or subterfuge allowed.  Showed theirs, the price was to show mine.  Yes, I had seen this coming, like a cat stuck in a ripe river, heading to a fall.  For some things... the dignity of some events can never be granted, only seen or not by the beholders.

I explained my problem.  I was, literarily, for the most part, if happily, stuck in another time.  Poe, Twain... Clemens... Leghorne boy,I say boy, William Blake, Swinburne, but less, as with they, the common tripe fed the masses.  At least we held that in familiar.  Our tastes had required stepping out of the daily bread?  Perhaps in more ways than one.  If the Hellfire crüe had a literary component?  As we say... deny... so it was, or wasn't.

No, I said.  I refuted modern literary.  Couldn't, wouldn't, tolerate.  Still, far from innocent.  Merely, my whiter shade of pale came from, or went into, a different form of the arts, namely music.  In that I drowned, addressed, expressed, exalted, my sins.  I explored my rejection of masculine duty, Godly obedience, rage and other hungers.  I lost myself, threw myself away to or in the music, as if swimming into the sea with no intention of returning.

Somewhere, out there, I... came to my senses.  I once again fell in love with the simple notion of the naked man and woman.  I found, if not what I had thought had been my home, a new and better home... if one I cannot go to... not yet.  I saw God not in but beyond the distortion, though in time I realized He is there too.  He isn't a party to dissonance, He simply cannot be erased by it.

From Avenged Sevenfold, Wolfe to Epica, Monster Magnet to Mötörhead, to groups and people who have no names or have names which make no sense, I have crawled across the psychic and spiritual killing floor to a place divine.  It isn't for me yet, but it is waiting.  That... is the story of my stories.  What a dream...

Odder still.

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With starting back on the highest dose of the most potent of my heart medication I expected... hmm... less.  While I have been hollow to the bone lately, unable to clean, play games, or even watch programs for more than fifteen minutes to an half hour at a time, there is worse.  Forgetting I even exist.  You have... no idea.  For hours, days, weeks, months, even a year at a time.

I... expected that today.  I was pleasantly surprised.  I wasn't able to work, but I was able to watch shows and game.  Rather than drifting through the web, blindly following strange paths, I was able to look around, find things that interested me, watch several episodes (of Babylon 5) at a time, and game well, even past a major setback.

I am hoping to clear litter, get a shower and shave in, if not much more.  Trash, perhaps recycling as well, tomorrow.  Dishes as well, unless the meds blindside me.  Not much, just a bit.  I may also see about some laundry.  It is possible, if tomorrow is anything like today.

Blood sugar is back in trim.  It started out higher at 176, then to 186 after food and a higher dose.  Then 94 after my last meal and a smaller dose.  I was in part experimenting, in part going with my gut, on that last dose.  It is at 125 several hours after my last meal and dose.  Finally, it is improving.  So strange how high it will stay after a minor mistake.  Though I haven't been punished this severely for such a minor infraction... ever.  Yeah, well...

A bit of a headache, so a fistful of aspirin.  I don't want to struggle sleeping tonight.  Still... pleased with the day.  I have some hope for tomorrow.  I finally called my mother.  Will try to call my brother Monday.  I'm not the best, I have been messing up calling my mother as well.  I'll... keep at it.  Good night, probably.

Improvements.

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Aches and pains have gone.  For the first morning in... weeks? a month? I am waking without sore ribs, an achy back, and other complaints.  A few days ago, I pulled a foot stool out, and have been using it.  From the use of it, I have been adjusting how I sit from time to time.  Perhaps that is it?

It was 66° upstairs all night.  I check when I wake.  It was 67° this morning, downstairs in the main, 64° up front.  Outside it is 41°.  An all around pleasant morning, as I chart things.  I don't need a long sleeve t, or pj bottoms, to sleep.  And just one blanket still.  However, I will set the other blankets up, in case a real chill slips in.  I do need more on in the day.  I am working on layering.

Blood sugar, while a bit high after a few experimental and poor food choices, is within my normal.  At 176 fasting, down from as high as 326 two days ago.  It... doesn't matter what packaging says.  A hint though?  If something tastes suspiciously sweet?  Stop eating right there.  I have to suspect the FDA and Ag are in on allowing lies.

What I don't get is why Orientals don't have diabetes.  The Chinese, Japanese, Koreans, and the rest, consume the majority of their foods as rice.  White rice at that.  Some suggest it is due to the smaller volumes consumed.  But that doesn't make sense.  They are smaller people.

From what I have seen, they eat a similar caloric intake by body weight, save NorKs, though all of their calories are rice.  Then again, perhaps they simply don't treat, so count, certain afflictions?  When the government is in charge of medical care, it decides who, and what, to treat... and asses.  Perhaps diabetes is considered a personal problem?

Anyway.  It seems a better day.  That... may not last.  I didn't have enough 6.25 mg carvedilol tabs.  So I went full dose early.  I will be hitting full dose this morning.  Will see.  Perhaps the nosebleed, sometimes literally, dose I am already on will make this addition less of a stress.  Later.

A tough week.

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I keep hoping for improvement.  Always tired, usually sore.  Blood sugar has gone crazy.  I ate a few things of a questionable nature, if technically within carb count, labelled as having no sugar.  Can't believe labels.  I am lowering it, slowly.  In a few days I will begin checking blood pressure.  If it is pretty stable but higher, I will stop checking until a week or two into the last dose increase.

It was down to 64° upstairs, five feet from me, 66° close to me, with only an interior fan going.  With long and short sleeve t's as a pj top, in unders, one blanket was perfect.  It is a warmer blanket, and still, that one was enough was good.  I did add a quilt later, just for a bit.  Sleep was actually quite good.  It was as good as it gets.

As I came downstairs, I found the furnace running.  It is set for 66°.  I was surprised it wasn't running yesterday, so I can't say I was surprised.  I will leave it at 66° until the outside is dangerous, to me.  Then I like more of a store of warmth inside in case the furnace goes out.  Then, 70° to 72°, in the main.  It will be a lot cooler elsewhere.

I went to let the ducks out.  They were already out.  I am almost certain I put them away last night?  At first I couldn't find them.  Then it looked as if only three were there.  The fourth appeared and all was good.  I didn't do much else, but their feed has been shielded, placed in a barrel with a lid.  Plastic for now.  Mice had figured how to get into open bins.  Quite a jump, both in and out, but they did it.

A nap, I do believe.  Later.

A deal has been struck.

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I was dithering as to whether to increase medicine or not.  I have decided to hold that off for two more weeks.  While I am not working even every other day, necessarily, I am working two days a week, slightly more as little tasks are done randomly, as possible.  Given the weather, medicine, and crazy diabetes numbers, I am doing what I can.

It was down to 64° this morning, upstairs.  I had an interior fan and, again an ac fan, on through the night.  Fresh air and the cool temps made for superior sleep.  I must be acclimating to the cool swiftly, as a t, unders, and one blanket was quite warm enough.  I had to kick out of the blanket occasionally, only to need to bundle back in later.  So is the lot of a furless bear.

I slept many hours, again.  I think yesterday wore me out, more than anything.  I am hoping to do some work today.  A few small loads of dishes, folding some clothes, an setting up a new feed barrel, with a lid.  It is cool, around 50° around 9:00, an hour and change ago, outside.  It is 68° in the main, 63° up front.  What I consider the beginning of clothes weather... socks, real shoes, and pants anyway.

Ugh.  Not moving fast.  A nap before work, probably.  Later.

It is taking weeks to tend moments.

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Most of what is required is finished.  If I owe you contact, money, or else, you are on the list.  I took three items off my list today, a few Monday, and I might two or three more Friday or next Monday.  That is as fast as I can honestly go.  Even with the shower open, it takes days to remember, focus, then get in.  I dearly want daily showers.

I set up an automatic payment on the car, returned a few packages, and did light shopping.  Hopefully I can begin working in the house soon.  Cleaning.  I still have business in town, registration.  Perhaps window shopping.  Reloading supplies, low carb foods I am hoping to find locally... buying locally if possible now that my needs are better known.  Hmm, the hardware store in Smithfield too.  Just... looking.

It is staying right at 70° downstairs, day and night, 68° upstairs.  One fan in both areas. Blood sugar is running really high.  I did receive fresh, and hit it after... cutting everything for a while.  Too much, too little, is the sweetener dehydrating just enough just now to overdo?  Bleh.  So exhausted it is difficult to sort.

I have been eating lightly, and very keto.  I'll keep at it.  The other medicine is going down precisely.  If I can work in the house, I will keep it at this level.  If not, I will add the last increase Friday.  Boy, I'm sure hoping to work.  I really don't want to increase quite yet.  If part of my failing is clouds and rain, pleasant as those are.  Later.

A long wonderful sleep.

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I don't remember what time I went to sleep.  I am guessing slightly after 19:00.  As exhausted as I was, sleep wasn't immediate.  Though it wasn't a struggle either.  A gentle drift down, as pleasant as a slow sleep gets.  I woke, solidly, a number of times.  Returning to sleep wasn't extremely easy, merely manageable.  Four, perhaps five, such wakings.

Heat was billowing off me.  All night and this morning.  Putting my arm out full length, bending my hand so my palm faced my body, I could feel waves of heat.  Not a great heat, a strong warmth.  I had an interior fan and the fan function on my better ac blowing in.  It was 68° up there this morning.  I was a bit warm all night, which is why I woke, I believe.  I slept until just after 7:00.  Probably sleeping so long because of the many interruptions.

It was 67° main and 64° front, 48° outside.  But not a cold 48°.  I was in a sleeveless t, with shorts and open band (rather than toe-post) flip-flops and was as comfortable as the ducks out there.  Still kicking off heat?  Probably.  Very strangely, blood sugar was 211 this morning.

It is almost 9:00 and temps remain the same.  The girls and ducks have been fed, a roast is being grilled, and a shower is planned.  Then work?  I sure hope so.  Later.

Drifting, falling, failing.

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Not cold, certainly cool.  It isn't the temperature, mostly.  Rain, I think.  That and an inability to be active due to meds.  Too hot or too cold, relative to some perceived comfort zone... which does change... added to medicine and raising levels, can increase possibilities, or as now decrease the ability to function.

On the good side, if cooling has set in, between warmer garb and the furnace, more can be done about that than when it gets too hot.  What I haven't figured out is how to manage the darkness.  I have extreme limits in that area.  Which actually makes dressing more warmly complicated.  Imagine being so tired you can't remember to dress warmly, even eat.  Darkness does that.  A woman to annoy... remind... helps.  One simply isn't here.

Sleep was getting back to a good schedule.  Then the cool, dark, and damp slipped in.  I... think I can put up some resistance, reschedule, revise, if this is a limited front.  If winter has returned harshly and early, it will... take some time.  I will do as I may.  Actually, either way, I will do as I may.  Hope, when God becomes a truth, springs eternal.  So it is.  Hope isn't a prayer answered, it is a request for such which bolsters my allowance to live with even a rejection to my request.  Amen.

The ladies, cats, have already put on a thicker coat.  More Sam than Sassy.  Sassy has a thicker coat always, but it can thicken more.  Sam can thin her coat to a very light coat to much thicker than it is even now.  Actually, she didn't thin it much this year.  I am not sure if she has weather precognition or if she simply reacts.  Though, after this summer, I suspect precognition.  If true, cooling is pretty much back.  She has thickened her coat even more this week.

A dream.  High school, back in it.  Local nephews back in school all together, as if we were similar ages.  Gosh but I forgot how pleasant it was to see so many women every day.  Yea.  That wasn't what the dream was about, just a... well... just saying.  It was mostly about a second chance, time around, actually for all of us.

I am considered hardcore.  Strange, perhaps, but... fierce.  Many think that might be a Naval thing.  It was not.  The Navy may have offered opportunities to... delve that, explore it, function more freely within that, but... it was a capacity I brought with me.  In the dream I was reminded of that as well.  The first man I hospitalized was as a junior in high school.  He had absolutely no chance, or clue.

It was quite an interesting dream.  As horrible as school, especially high school seemed, it passed so quickly and was missed once gone.  I taught them ferocity and... to enjoy the company of the young ladies... in a chaste manner.  I was way ahead on those things back then, if chastity slipped with the right... or wrong... chic... from time to time.  In the dream I kept it right.  I was extremely skinny back then.  Ugh.  About 140 as a freshman to 180 as a senior, at nearly 6'4" the whole time.

Interesting dream.  Later.

A very late night.

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I kept waking.  I kept clawing my way back to sleep.  I can't remember what time bedtime was, after 18:00, I suspect... or 16:00?  Waking at 22:00 the first time, then about every two hours after that.  Too warm?  A bit.  It was 68° up there, so should have been good.  Sleep was a struggle, but waking around 6:00, I did well.

No work yesterday... or not much.  However, the projects are... I still have hope.  I have this week to get in full swing.  I think it will happen.  Parts today.  Getting solid relatively good sleep, and cooler weather again, plus a plan and reasons... there is good hope.

A bit of meat is thawed.  So a bit of food to start off the day.  I will open the house for a bit as the grill is lit.  It is 72° main, 71° front, so it's just for fresh air.  After breakfast, a shower.  After the shower, cleaning the bathroom and starting dishes.  Then a break.  Whatever happens after that is gravy... spare, extra credit.  I have to plan small and see where that gets me.  Later.

Pleasant understandings while waking.

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The world has returned to a cooler state.  While 75° through the night, until 8:30 or 10:30, yesterday, the cloud cover finally unleaded, which cooled the area.  It was down to 65° and pretty much stayed about there most of the rest of the day?  Perhaps getting up to the low 70s as a high?  Can't remember.  I took a risk, opening the house in the early afternoon.  It worked.

The house only got down to about 73°, front and main, as I recall.  Still, it was cooler and fresher than otherwise.  Upstairs got to 66° by the time I went to bed, albeit with both air conditioners and the fan running full blast.  Other than near me, it stayed about that temperature while I slept.  I must kick out a hell of a lot of heat, sometimes.

The cool is helping.  And, with most windows open and fans on downstairs last night, it was 67° main and front.  I am billowing off reems of heat, in waves.  I can feel it.  Dripping heat.  It raised this room two degrees since I woke an hour ago.  Odd, with blood sugar only 160 and medicine sort of pounding me into the dirt, to have massive heat outflows?  Burn...  Perhaps she visits...  She always had a way with me.

If

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Some things, then more, today.  Woke into early morning yesterday, and today.  Was awake into midafternoon.  Made calls, picked up mail, and was coaxed to depart for a bit.  Asked a question to which I already knew the answer.  Received an honest answer.  Didn't like the answer.

Unlike many, despite my feelings, neither reality nor the messenger receive rebuff.  No cause or effect is damnable.  What is, is.  However, what remains is how reality may be altered.  That is what is on my mind.  To begin though?  I have a few options before me.  The paths are, probably, exclusive.  The choice  will depend on what is possible.

I have about a week to choose.  If I can begin work, cleaning the place, that is preferred.  To dig in, starting today, with Sunday a very light day, then back to it Monday.  If I can rip through the kitchen and bathroom this week, I will hold off increasing medication until I have burned as much work out of myself as possible.

If I can't work, focus, push, then I will continue increasing medication.  Then, when seeing the light of day again, burn through work when possible.  I must admit, if just for a break from the true horrors of titrating carvedilol, I am hoping to figure out how to work.  That, as a lash, is a terrible thing.  So, yes, work... a week or two, at least three to five solid, every other day, with laundry, car keys, cats and ducks, and grooming mostly on the side.  Hmm?  Shut up.

 ;p

I have been taking medicine extremely well.  I lost track of diabetes the last few days.  Ugh, always something.  It is 160 fasting this morning, so...  When I get low on meds I get stingy with them.  It doesn't make sense, but logic isn't the whole of me.  Instinct and emotion have to be negotiated, trained as possible.  Though negotiation and training require higher function, which isn't always itself available.  I do my best.

Another shower this morning.  A trim and shave as well, it is hoped.  Then a few small loads of dishes set, a single load of laundry put through, and then the bathroom getting started.  The hope is to hit the head, from starboard to stern, forward to aft, and hit the dishes... probably resetting to another soak, and finish the single load of laundry, to folding and putting up, before any other plans.

If dishes can be finished and another small couple loads set, and another load of laundry set to wash?  Great.  But I have to start small and burn through to completion, or it just... or I end up lost, getting nowhere.  Yeah, I either work or medicate.  I'd much rather work, if possible.  Choices?  Not really.  Hope.  Later.

Not everything.

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Actually only two items.  However two of the more stressful items.  A call to SS Administration.  It took an hour to get through to speak with a Jamaican.  Sometimes... it... eventually the ideas got through.  Can't tell if foreigners are just screwing around language-wise...  What I was requesting was already in progress, or so I was told.  A request of information to the V.A. was sent again on the 3rd.  So... I just need to wait for the V.A. to send another request, then return it, immediately this time.

Then a call to the V.A., for insulin.  Not sure they are going to send it.  I would get it from my other doc but I don't have a pot to piss in.  ...  Well, okay, maybe so.  It will be sent.  Not sure how much.  Some is... more than none.  Nothing like spending two... make that three... hours of stress on the phone.  But done.

So exhausted.  More work this next week.  Car keys...  Shopping...  Cleaning?  Such.  Maybe.  Now for a shower.  Maybe a shave.  A cooler day.  Partly cloudy.  Was 75° at 8:30, down to 65° by 14:00?  Crazy.  Still 75° main and front in here.  But opening up makes it feel better.  Later.

Some sleep.

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With both ac's on full blast, it was down to 70° when I went upstairs to nap.  As I slept, the sun went down.  Even so, it only got down to 68° up there.  I think I am kicking out a lot heat.  That isn't all though.  At 22:30, when I went to bed, actually well after sundown, it was still 75° outside.  Waking at 2:00, it is still 68° outside.

I actually woke because I was too warm.  Almost hot.  I had hoped it would be cooler down here...  75° main and front.  The weather is... is this more normal just odd for the cold summer, or is it unusually warm?  I think it is actually normal.  If so, then it wasn't a little cooler this summer, but a lot cooler.

I am hoping to do some picking up, get a shower, then get back to sleep for a bit, while it is still cool.  I won't be able to do much... trash gathered and out, litter changed while at it, a shower and shave, then down until morning.  Ugh.  Too warm.

Difficult.

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Problems.

Too warm.  Strange weather.  Downstairs and up, it just won't cool.  While, I think it read 50° outdoors at night lately, all I could get it to was 73° inside downstairs.  Upstairs, during the day, with both air conditioners going as full tilt as possible, 72° is as low as it would get.

Through the last half of July and most of August, 66° was a common low both downstairs and up, 68° had become typical.  Only occasional ac use, and only one mostly was needed.  Now I can't get close.  And heat fatigue is setting in.  Heat sensitivity has returned and the world has become irreconcilably warmer for the moment.

Starting and upping the dose is part of the problem.  It is messing with diabetes and other things.  Strange how potent these medicines really are, carvedilol is the strong one.  The others don't seem to have side effects.  I am currently taking nearly 10 mg twice a day, and in nearly a week will go up to ~32 mg total a day.  Though, as mentioned, an uncle was on 5.xx a day.

I was able to make a few calls.  Family.  Brother and mother.  Tomorrow I am hoping to be up to business calls.  So tired.  In part meds, in part heat plus increased sensitivity.  Mostly the meds, I would guess.  The heat is just a contributing factor for now.  I need to find a way to cool off though, or it will become a bigger part.  I really have to cool off occasionally.  Not happened in days now.

Later.  Back to bed for a nap?  Going to try.

Almost feeling good.

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Well, first, I am almost awake enough to know the difference.  The last few days have seen that, the last two days have been better with that in mind on top of improvements in health feel.  Everything felt better and improved more today.  I don't feel like the world is closing in on me, crushing me.  Medicine is leveling back out.

Diabetes has been higher.  I am dosing to keep the average in the high 120s or low 130s, the latter this week.  I do suspect heart medicine messes with that until it all levels out.  It looks like I get a few days of improvement before I add my next, larger, dose back in.  Still, it is getting there.

Night and days are twisted.  But I have, pretty much, full if empty days and nights.  I keep considering work.  I'll... get to it.  The dream... dreams... tonight?  Of this her..  She wasn't a smoker, but it still fits.  Yes, she just is one of my favorites.  Just in the rearview mirror?

Someone has to have some line in, whether they know and understand or not.  They catch these things too well, before I write or otherwise express.  Friend, dame, or foe?  Women, each, can act as both.  Can?  Does.  There is a... reason, price, joy that goes with that.  Oh, yes.  Later.

How do they do that?

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Don't know.  Do... enjoy?  Enjoy?  Something.

Which way does it...  Never can quite tell.

Where do they even find these.  A fan, and I haven't seen these.



Meaning?  Simple or complex.

More.  An anomalous accusation?

I really do enjoy.  Just algos unlocked.  Still...

What a strange girl.

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Knows how to get my attention.  But she... can't stop it.

Late and early.

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Considering a 16:00 down time, a dark noon rising seems reasonable.  Add the starting and titration of meds plus a twenty... six... eight... or more stretch, and it becomes an early rise.  Yet, zero dark hundred will always be an early or late rise.  For my poetic purposes, adding opposites to the same ends, it will go late.

The grass is getting watered.  It really is doing well.  Not much rain recently, but it had been cool until a few days ago.  Something changed.  It isn't that it got hot, it merely snapped back to seasonal temps.  Which, even in September, is warmer than most of August, July, and part of June?  So it seemed to me.  No complaint, weather is and does what it is and does.  As with pain, in life, the options aren't as reasonable as simply accepting.  Besides, it is pleasant to have a bump of warmth before winter sets in.

It is good to finally have a real lawn.  The grass is really expanding.  I may add seed after mowing is done but before the first frost... or before frost really sets in.  Let it settle through the winter, under the snow.  These last few years, with a lot of help, has really seen improvement.  Now to clean windows, do more out there, spiffy up.

Blood sugar was really high again, considering a near fasting day.  At 175 it was better than yesterday 'morning'.  I truly suspect organs, besides the heart, really slow as the medicine slows the heart.  Until a bottom function is found, which won't happen until several weeks or months after topping out medicine, nothing will work as it should.  As long as I understand and have a way to treat the most serious issues, and can handle the pain of near failures, I'll get through.

I may take a nap in a bit.  After it get a few areas done.  Later.

Why the worry?

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If it's not you then think on it.  When have you been asked?  Potential inclusion here is rather scant affection.  It assumes you read here.  If you aren't interested, as suggested, you... wouldn't read or listen to the music.  I really think any problem you might have would, pretty much, be self inflicted.  Besides, aren't you wed yet?

It didn't stop there.

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I don't...  Well, it just is.  Can't always believe me, either?  Cheers.

Hello.

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A flood of new and old.  No visitors, according to blogger.  AI?

Visitors.

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Funny what is heard.  Belief?  No.  It isn't what she says.

Brutal. Harsh. Painful.

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At least I know why.  Medicine.  I just bumped It from 6.x to almost 10 mg twice a day.  My uncle, at two hundred at least, could only take 5.x a day total.  I picked up his medicine, noticed the same med, so looked at the dose.  My guess is most people can't take even half what I am taking.  Carvedilol.

It is absolutely flooring me.  I am sleeping so hard I don't roll.  While the cot is better than the floor, it isn't much better.  If I roll it works out okay, even, probably, now on the floor.  Without rolling I am in a milder agony.  Actually, I sit too much, without moving enough, as well.  Sort of a double whammy.

I plan to titrate up the final bump next week.  I suspect it will take two to six weeks before some level of normalcy returns.  On the good side, I didn't go six months without meds, and bp averaging 216/186 for that time.  And have to have my mother fly out to help.  I have limped through to get meds, keep up appointments, and get back on them.

Now, blood sugar was 196, for no good reason.  I am guessing medicine is playing havoc with organs and all.  I have medicine to deal with this.  It's just the idea that eating right, in weightlosing proportions, and the number is so high.  Frustrating.  Nothing to do but to keep at it.  Later.

Almost certain.

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Or just a flitting shadow of a woman once known?

Grilling then bedtime.

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I had other pork shoulders, want to try them before dismissing.  The last one may have been thawed too long.  Besides, other food will be grilled, so it isn't a waste.  I just hate to waste.  If I can't eat it, fine.  But if I can... only one way to tell.  Burgers, sausage, and lamb burgers, will also be going on.  Nothing fancy, but serviceable.

The cave is down to 71°.  Not bad, if oddly warm compared to how it had been.  It actually feels cold.  I will turn of the back fan when the meat is ready to go.  The grill has to be heated then cooled.  Worth the bother.  If I turn off the front fan, which pushes air out the front door, the places heats up.  With the back fan off, it stays static but seems warmer.  A strange weather has set in.

Blood sugar is staying reasonable.  I haven't figured out a tea replacement.  Though, perhaps, it doesn't need to be a total elimination.  Perhaps half a gallon of water and tea, a quart of on then the other, plus a quart of milk (already in practice, when remembered) and a quart of fatted coffee.  Still a lot of caffeine, but a start...

After dinner, bedtime.  I would already have gone to bed but I was hungry and remembered the thawed fresh meat.

Oh, I am going to begin tinkering with electrical.  I have lighting fixtures upstairs and outlets not working, as well as a gfci which I think is fake, or badly installed.  I have a good multitester, ordered a good clamp one plus a few tools and better leads.  I do need to track down a few other tools, to sort out the fuse box and a few other things, but... I am getting to things between when it is too hot, cold, and wet... it is hoped.  One success will lead to others.  Good night.

A life of pain.

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No large complaints.  Sleeping and sitting too much?  Something to do with being off meds, then beginning those again?  No great pains.  Something to do with the sides of my torso, as if the g.i. was backed up slightly or bloated, or after doing sprints until the sides split during football pre-season camp.  But not fresh, as if a week after, with days of rest.  Love handle aches...  Pretty much constant, if variable in intensity from mild to causing hair to stand on end if flexing that area too quickly without taking stock of, or preparing, the area.  For four or five days now.  No worries, just... constant annoyance, asleep or awake.  I don't think I sleep much in the summer.

Meds are going in more regularly.  Diabetes is being managed as possible.  With blood sugar being in the 160's at the absolute highest, and averages in the 120's... I am not sure there is more I can do, as is.  About that "as is" though.  Tea.  Whether as a cause for use of sweeteners, or as a caffeine source, there... it might be the last problem.  My problem?  I have difficulty drinking water, iced or room temperature.  A problem I am beginning to solve.  There must be an occasional additive.  I can drink some water.  Sometimes ice it.  But, maybe a couple quarts, three?  Then my throat goes so dry it hurts, swallowing more water becomes impossible, all while I remain parched.  I'll... look around.

And, it seems, summer has returned?  Something strange is happening.  It got down to 50° F last night, at least.  I didn't want to open up, it's work.  And being that cool, it isn't always needed.  But it was staying 75° in the main and 78° up front?  I finally relented, opened everything up at midnight, and it only barely made it down to 70° by eightish before starting to get warmer?  So very strange.  It hadn't been warming until ten to sometimes noon lately.  Very strange.

I have the place opened for the night.  Here, at 20:30, it is about 65°, and the sun has already set?  Mind you, there are mountains to the west... smaller, at some distance.  And, yet, I didn't realize the sun was already setting so early.  It is always a bit sad to see a summer end it's singular life.  There will be others, but none quite exactly the same.  And it was a good summer.  One of the best I have experienced, weather and temperature tolerance wise, since becoming ill.

On to a new day... if that is night to you.  Sleeping and my wake cycles are completely random still.  No idea what will happen, when.  I will seek any opportunity to act, clean, sort, or... anything positive, active.  Mostly I will resemble a cat out to sea, just keeping it's head above the water, if more passively after it's hatred of water and much of it's energy is spent... maintenance is all I have to me.  Later.

The questions exposed by their glance.

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What you view is how I hear.  Exploring questions as possible, in some order... if one which doesn't make sense, or immediate sense.  More curious than you in my own ways.  What will trip you up, which will you immediately grok, when will you come to your senses... or abandon them in horror, joy, truth, or other ways?

Never a word is uttered, if there may be sound available to you.  Written words, for my part.  Do the words ever echo in your ears as if, thundered from a great and terrible being, nearly whispered from a kind gentle sage or humble monk, or boldly stated or sung as by an erudite or foolish but bold Thespian?

Not always are answers developed.  The question, sometimes, often, is singularly enjoyed.  Perhaps, if questions persist, an answer may be groused if not always brought to ground.  The former is the case in this instance.  The questions suffice to be pleasures.  Sharing the fullness of perhaps a few as a gift for your attendance.

Not awake.

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Not asleep.  A horrible place between the two.  Unsure how to resolve it.

Everything is still off.

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From weather to sleep, hours up, diabetes... everything is odd.

Blood sugar is the lowest it has been in months.  I am using insulin as needed.  Some days simply require more frequent and or heavier doses, some days require nothing.  Blood sugar was 115 fasting this "morning".  My average has gone up to 130, strangely.  I don't mind a higher average for a lower fasting read.

I do wonder, however, as to whether blood sugar follows a circadian rhythm.  While my sleep patterns are often completely out of control, some aspect(s) of my biology attempt to follow a normal day and night cycle.  It isn't perfect, just more normalized.  I would have to do exacting precise tests, at regular times, even waking to test.  I don't think that is possible solo.  Still, I am pretty sure.

I need to reset medicine.  All new stuff, save insulin, is in. I need to check on that. If I run out, oh well?  I will be adding the smaller dose of heart medicine this week, then going full dose next week, if... reasonable.  I have only missed one, a morning, dose since starting.  I would have fit that dose in, but sleep patterns fell out from under my feet and control was lost.

Actually, I have to go back to bed.  Good day, afternoon... night.

With help.

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I got out today.  Finally.  Son number three, of the neighbor, visited last night, with the idea of visiting today?  It's how it goes.  I suggested we try to figure a way to move the vehicle.  As it turns out, I could get the Xterra out around the car.  Didn't need guidance, or to move the car, if it was good to have an outside observer.

I didn't, couldn't, sleep last night, so I had him drive.  A bit of various shopping.  Oh, and the address change at he dmv.  Plus a car wash.  He finished what he needed to do.  All good.  I accused him of deciding to not just letting me die.  If I chuckled while suggesting I have decades left.  Even if I happen to be stuck in my home for the rest of my time.

More business to do, but with a vehicle in the clear, and payday coming...

I couldn't sleep until afternoon in spite of returning well before noon.  I had both ac's on but it only got down to 70° up there.  It's warm down here.  I will open up a bit tonight.  And get out as the lawn gets a good solid drink.  I may finally mow the lawn this Friday or Saturday.

Blood sugar is being weird.  Very low most of yesterday while I can't beat it down today.  Though 168 isn't horrible, a dose while not eating should have fixed it.  I'll check it in a few more hours, then have eggs, bacon, and a fatted coffee... plus another dose if it's still up.

Another hour on trim areas, then a few hours watering up front.  Then, I hope, back to bed.  I am hoping to finish business tomorrow, which means an earlier rise, a shower, and more.  Always more, if that is a feature, not a bug.  I just wish I wasn't so stretched for it.  At least it is a wonderful night to be playing homeowner, lawnsman.  Later.

A broken tool.

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Had to be shattered.

Fall.

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It is hitting hard.  Still August and it was 74° at 18:30?  Crazy.  Oh, it's sunny.  Just very cool.  It is 72°, as a high, in the main, 75° up front.  When I woke from my second or third nap for the day, it was 72° at ~16:30, upstairs, with only the fan going.  I left everything else off, hoping heat would wake me.  Even with four blankets, I was freezing without careful bundling.

The ducks seem content.  The lawn is looking good.  I have been working, slowly, through the house, looking for the keys.  A shower shortly, and shave.  More digging through the place, and finishing laundry while starting a small batch of dishes and taking a load of trash from the sorting process out.  Bits and pieces.

I called my mother.  Their weather is unseasonably cool as well.  October like temperatures, in the mid 70's too.  And it is knocking her down a bit as well.  She tried to suggest grobal warbling, and I corrected.  If she wishes to believe propaganda, that is her choice.  I refuse to even tolerate.  She didn't fight, but she will keep her propaganda.  If she has received enough feedback to know what it is at this point.  She can save it for the lying dems in her life, for their cabal gatherings.

Still, it was good to speak.  And to know we aren't alone in our rough sleepiness.  After calling before,while she was napping and couldn't wake, I figured.  She didn't even remember I had called.  I understand that.  She was grilling sirloins tonight.  I hope they were as good as they sounded.

If I can stay awake, I will get to a few things.  I won't be opening the place up tonight, though I will keep two fans going.  I may start opening the place in the day!  So very strange.  It... isn't over.  I am not through.  Fire in the snow.  Be careful out there, lasses and lads.  Later.

Very odd.

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I had put the ducks in, locked them in.  But I had forgotten to turn off the water an hour more than planned.  As I was out fixing that, I realized the ducks were out.  And their pen was still shut, barred.  As well, it looks like they killed another mouse.  Must have had a bit of a fight?  I think they now protect their food.

What a bit of hunger will do?  I am proud of them!  The first, for sure, was drowned, it was too small to have gotten into the watering dish pan.  This one was flattened.  However, I don't like that it perturbed them enough to escape.  Not sure if they used windows, or were able to go over the gate.  I can close it all up though.  There are potentially nasty things out at night.

The other oddity is the temperature in here.  It was 45° outside, last I checked, but with the house open, even only gotten to 74°, it is still 70° in the main.  Very odd.  On 55° nights, it is usually down to even 66°.  I can heat the place, if blood sugar is high, with my metabolism, but at 96 blood sugar last I checked, it won't happen.  I should be cold, actually.  A very strange day.

Oh, the other strange thing was it was only 74° by midafternoon, 18:30~19:30ish?  I, from that, expected it to cool.  It did, outdoors.  Still 70° in the main, 68° up front.  Just curious, 72° upstairs with the stupid ac supposedly running.  I flipped both on, but to fan.  A very strange day.

Oh, blood sugar is to 78 two hours after the last read.  I ate, and had a fatted coffee, plus my tea, but without insulin.  Very odd.  Not feeling ill, so I'll let it go.  I'll have a fatted drink in a bit, and a few more eggs.  Then check it in a few more hours.  I just don't know how that works.  Fasting for days and it goes up, eating and it drops.

Later.

Sleeping.

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Every three to twelve hours, I have been crashing.  No dizziness or true failures.  Simple weariness handled easily with a little or a lot of sleep.  No dreams now.  Pain has disappeared.  Even hunger is something lost in the fog.  Diabetes is being weird, going up without eating.

As I can be aware, I attempt to work on medical and other needs.  Dosing as needed, when I remember to check, and or dose.  I finally boiled three dozen older eggs.  If my oldest eggs are fresher than the 'freshest' storebought.  I pickled two dozen.  I may boil another three dozen Sunday, pickling another dozen.  I need to water glass  (lime/lyme) some eggs too, soon.

A dozen or two as they are available.  It takes six to eight days to pickle.  With two different quarts, I'll get to try various strengths.  White vinegar this time.  I am hoping to try making a few deviled eggs from each batch.  I would like to get two jars put up for each month, then similar amounts water glassed.  As well, trying various recipes.  I might try some frozen.

I haven't been able to work for more than fifteen minutes every three hours.  I begin to fail.  Tire.  By work I mean sort materials while searching for keys.  Some organization is happening, though mildly.  I do what I can.  It isn't much.  If I had a booster button I would press it.

I'll... keep at it.  Hmm, you know, egg salad sandwich, using keto flatbreat, and maybe tuna?  Not fancy, but it's been a bit.  And, actually, with mustard, mayo, fresh ground pepper, garlic and onion, it... is a bit of a treat.  Would go well in a leaf of lettuce too.  If I had such.  Later.

At first blush...

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It seemed another attack.  If the first volley was as it seemed?

Breaking my balls?

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Couldn't miss it.  Something said?  Eavesdropping is rude.  Unless...

Really bad things.

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These are the spots in life which disturb the most.  If you have used, or been told, to hurry and shit or get off the pot?  Well, imagine if neither is an option?  Figuratively, mind you.  Yeah, live long enough and you will remember at least a literal happenstance.  Probably went through it as a child, many times.  But youth offers the grace of forgetfulness.

Here I am, stuck in a messy house, without keys to one vehicle, which is blocking the other.  To sick to look for fifteen minutes at a time.  Suffering internal organ, bone, and joint pains, with a minor fever a lot more often than usual but with aspirin having no effect save to thin my blood leading to frequent nearly unstoppable nose bleeds, unable to care for self or home, with blood sugar being weird, and seemingly unable to die or improve.  Days?  Weeks?  I can't remember.

Blood sugar is actually quite good.  At 115 fasting this morning.  But, after yesterday, at either 225 or 185 fasting, to 129 wake fasting, then back up to 169 after a tuna melt... of 14 (total carb)... It was crazy, for no good reason.  The first number seemed so high, I checked immediately again, which is why the "or".  It isn't too hot or cold.  I think it gets to 82°~84° outside, but without much effort is staying around 71°, maxing at 73° inside.  I am actually fearing winter this year, as things stand.

I believe one of the cats found the key fob, knocked it down, and kicked it somewhere.  I cleared an area, while looking, setting watches near where I was sure the key had been.  I found one of the watches on the floor this morning.  It ended being too clunky to be a good toe, so remains where it fell.  It's a start.

Later.

Something is off.

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I had to push to make it to noon.  It wasn't just exhaustion.  For the first time, other when I used to drink heavily, I became dizzy.  My strength of will, prayer potency, helped.  I was able to be mobile, with great stability, if slower than I prefer.  As well, a bloody nose happened with no cause.  It hit around 9:30.  So making it to noon was a challenge.

I wondered if it was blood sugar.  It was 122 fasting, 144 at 9:30 without having eaten?  It almost never goes up without calories.  I went in for a nap.  Three hours and change later, I forced my way awake.  It was a brutal struggle.  I am still fighting two hours after.  Dizziness returned and remained for about an half hour after waking but is gone.  It is just a heavy grinding weariness that remains.  The bloody nose remained until an hour after waking.

Blood sugar, again without food or insulin today, jumped to 185.  I had a small meal of walnuts and pecans, mixed.  And dosed with insulin.  I am hungry, but food, cooking, and such, just doesn't make sense.  Later.

Fixing sleep.

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Down at 1:20, up at 8:45 or so.  Each night for the last three I have reversed the trend by going to bed an hour or more earlier and waking earlier.  An hour?  Or two.  A change in medication, weather, or temps, and control will probably be lost.  Still, while I can, I will apply control.  It might be a war that can't be won, but individual battles... I will win sometimes, or for a while.

It was 64° upstairs, 68° in the main, 65° up front, and only at 58° outside.  I must admit, I was surprised.  It... is fall weather.  I can't be sure, especially with false temperature reads being perpetuated, and temperature history being altered, but this is more like October than even September.  It's good.  It's also very unseasonable.

Ah, the post, late?  Well, the videos kept flowing.  On and on.  I, even so, only picked a few out of... dozens.  The sensations remained as well.  If both the vids and feelings don't exist, nothing goes out.  As to sadness?  It isn't about that.  Not for me.  What if she and our child lived?  What are the odds we would still be married?  Slim, especially after my fall.  If we were, what would that be like, or mean?  A dry duty bound scarred hunk of faded love?

Anyway, it was put together before bedtime.  It was scheduled.  I was trying not to flood the market.  I may never remember her name, but she is back.  Or, as back as she can be.  Not a replacement for a woman, just with her own place.  A just place in my life.  I don't owe her my life, just a place in it.  Later.

Death proximity.

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I don't think even pseudo tech can intervene.  I do think I am close to death.  I don't believe that means I will die, probably... no luck so far, if past performance issues aren't a guarantee of future failure.  Just...  I am in very bad shape.  And she keeps visiting.  Or, I visit her?

Is that you?

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I have... strange friends.  Something something.  She vistits from time to time, but doesn't always say hi.  I usually get one of these, it's how I... suspect.

It isn't always her, just...  I am not sure if she likes the show, or if it is an accusation.  Both?  I just have to laugh.  She even used him as her avatar.  Had.  To.  Laugh.

And ask.  Is that you, foamy?

Not all of my ghosts are bad.  Good night.

Who... who is there?

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Strange responses.  A few thoughts interspersed.  Payment in full.

Friday?

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Time sure flies when meds and summer have me pegged, pinned, down.  I am comfortable, or as comfortable as possible.  Not bad, really.  Just not able.  I have been rather rough, actually, through back to winter.  But there is bad and there is worse.  While pain wasn't an issue, it too is returning.  Prayer and offering suffering for the positive disposition of souls, plus contemplation on the once and final tree of woe, are what is available.

Blood sugar is 131 fasting.  I ended dosing last night.  Two pork chops and a tiny chicken thigh jacked my blood sugar from 102 to 154.  But why!  Should not have done that.  Hmm?  Oh, a glass of milk too.  Perhaps it wasn't what or how much, but how often I ate?  At least a better start.

I keep making plans, for example to take three doses daily.  The problem is, when blood sugar drops to 83, or even 102, I don't dare dose.  Every time I attempt a plan, something contradicts the plan.  It is much like driving on snow.  Just as soon as you get it going straight, it makes a run for the ditch, other lane, or switching between.  At least boredom isn't an issue.

Ducks are out.  There was a HUGE spider in the door of the pen.  It had built a web that filled the whole front door overnight.  It had stubby little legs, or had them well tucked.  It's body was a fifty cent piece or so.  I didn't kill it but I made it clear, staying wasn't an option.  I like spiders, just not in the way.  This one would absolutely gobble flies from the duck droppings.  I hope it sets up shop a bit more out of the way.

A shower shortly.  Shave too.  Laundry and dishes.  Perhaps one more side yard area watering which gives the ducks an artificial rain.  As I water them at night, I usually give them a shower as well.  They love it, and it cools them off for the night.  I enjoy the critters.  And, to a degree... from a distance... they like me back, or enjoy the rain.

More.

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The cave has been cracked open.  It isn't dropping below 73°, but with fans, fresh air is a good thing.  It was 75° outside when I opened the place up.  I wasn't sure if the cave would warm up.  Still, I figured any heating would dissipate quickly.  It was right at the point when it will cool quickly.

The side yards have been watered.  The front yard is getting it now.  Stange how what is showing distress, up front, is the areas getting the most water.  No cutting is helping as well.  It isn't growing all that much, just enough to mow in a week or two.  Not mowing low helps.  No need for a medium setting.  As high as the deck will go is all needed, probably for the rest of summer.  Only in spring, if particularly wet, does a lower cutting height work.

Headaches, exhaustion, aches... not a great day.  Making it through.  I did end up grilling the pork chops.  And they were actually quite good!  The other pork cut was a shoulder blade, that may be it's problem.  I'll heat one of those and a chicken thigh for supper.

Blood sugar was 178 this morning.  I dosed heavy, then had a fatted tea.  Several hours after that it was 83.  I was already just eating a variety of nuts and a fatted coffee, and didn't feel bad.  Several hours further along and it is only at 102?  Obviously no more insulin.  Below 120~130, depending on what I am eating, I just don't dare dose.

Time to get a bite.  Later.  Might grab a shower and try to crash early.  If possible.
--------------

Meant to be posted last night.

So very tired.

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In part because it seems darker out there.  Haze, clouds, some of each?  After checking while putting the ducks in, definitely both.  Watering again.  Some areas don't need it at all, some areas have gone down hill fast, working on it.  An hour for the back and side, more up front.  Then two to four days off.  More downtime if it rains.

I keep drifting into morning before sleeping.  The last three days to three.  It's the meds?  Mostly.  On them, recently, restarting, opening up the house in a timely fashion hasn't been successful, which makes it too warm to do other things including get to sleep.  Which means I am awake well beyond exhaustion and while overheated.

Tonight it will be done right.  But at 18:30 it is still 77°.  It will be a bit.

Ah-hah.

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Youtube went dead.  Flat.  No music, no changes, became disconnected with feedback loops.  It remains that way.  Then I remembered.  It is China's bitch.

Some of it.

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A shower.  Then plans to buy feed.  Laundry started.  One load in the dryer, one finished washing.  Te one in the dryer would have been done but I tried a fluff run.  Not a chance.  A few things extra, here and there, while trying to find my keys.  Keys?  The little car keys.  I still haven't found them!

I am out of feed.  I called around.  I found feed, I can buy.  Too late for a trip to the feed store.  But a bag of feed.  While I also can't get out for a feed barrel, I can use a new unused larger trash can and contractor bags (no chemicals added).  Actually, if it works, keeps mice out, I may keep it rather than buy new.

Anyway...  I thought the feed was going fast.  Too fast.  Won't happen again, one way or another.  Oh, and mouse tricks and traps soon.  With the ducks low on food, I found a tiny mouse drowned in a water container.  It couldn't have crawled in.  I think the ducks did it.  In the shed, with a bill.  Kewl.

A shower, laundry, meds ordered, cheese and pepperoni baked crackers, meds taken... and a lot of looking for keys.  Gah.  The headache is back with a vengeance.  I won't set up dishes until a second shower tomorrow.  I may shave yet tonight.  And attempt to finish laundry.  As well, the sideyard, closer to the home, is getting watered.  That will be all for tonight, for watering.  I really do have a much better lawn this year.  The best, in spite of my error in not watering until so late.

Oh, yesterday I tried some of the old meat.  The pork was strong and tough, not quite feral hog strong, but it was a challenge.  The beef amazed.  Good, given the cut it was as if fresh!  I will try another cut of pork tonight, chops.  If I can't do that, I'll... surrender for that.  If I will try the pork sausage, mild Italian, might have held up better.

At least I have some meat.  Actually, I will cook that tomorrow.  I'll heat up chicken leftover tonight.  It was quite good, don't wish to waste.  Later.  Or good night.

A new day.

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Still morning, here, barely.  The ducks are out, and out of food.  When I buy food I will also be picking up a trash type can.  Plastic... rubber... might work.  I would rather galvanized.  I'm not sure I believe in non-metal, if even those if not kept dry.  Yea, I'd best get... going.  Especially knowing that starting now means a three hour functional start as is.  It sometimes sucks to be me.

Meds and aspirin first thing.  Morning and afternoon headaches have become dailies as carvedilol is being added.  I've had much worse.  I may end up with much worse.  I have two more dose jumps.  First, the 3.125 mg, which boosts me to over half, probably for a week, then to the other 6.5.  I will be shifting up more quickly.  Even with the headaches, which are relatively mild, and the mild crippling, this medicine start is less painful.  I haven't lost awareness so as to fall off it.  I think it is all the summer sun and warmth.  This is harsh in the winter.

No good reason to check bp.  Then again, getting in practice wouldn't be a bad thing.  BP will be from terrible to horrible until I get back to dose and maintain it for a while.  I may even, at my next visit, double the small lower dose pill.  Between diminishing returns and the limits of my capacity to take this med... it may be as good as I can get, without a boost.

I got up in a hurry, when I  saw the time.  Couldn't remember if I had closed up the downstairs.  It got to at least 88° F (31.1 C) yesterday, if dipping to at least 48° F (~ 8.9 C) last night.  So summer is neither dead nor toothless, even if splendidly cooler around certain corners.  Thankfully it was all buttoned up.  A pleasant 71°.  Upstairs, just on fan mode, on one machine, and another fan, it was 68°.  Perfect for sleep.

The electric company billed at about $87?  Given ac, two of them for most or all of that billing time actually, plus three to four fans much of the time, on top of regular use?  Excellent.  I believe I have cut, over my last system configuration.  Now that I have settings, systems, and rigging down, I'll bet I can shave another twenty off a month.  Well, and that is more double, triple, or more than my typical bill... at least now that, when awake at night, I don't leave every light on.  :P

Yea, I best get... going.  I will start a load of laundry.  By the time it goes into the dryer... given it's "high efficiency" (lazy) nature, which means wash cycles take one and an half to two and an half hours...  I should be ready to shower, and start a load of whites.  *sigh*  Still, it is much gentler on the clothes.  That... is the real advantage.  It is taking twenty washes before aging is noticed, or more, versus five to seven.  By the time I notice aging, a standard washer would have killed the shirt, even jeans.  More so if I remember to turn them inside out.  Later.

Dark days.

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They mean  it.  They are pushing for it.  We will get it if better minds fail.

Another day.

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Blood sugar is 136 fasting.  Not perfect, not improving quickly, better than 450, even 225.  I am experimenting with new foods... pepperoni and cheese chips.  Little piles of cheese, or pepperoni coins, baked in the oven for fifteen to twenty five minutes.  Tasty, if I don't think you would want to eat very much.  It vastly improves cheap pepperonis.  Oh, and putting them together, like a mini pizza, is fantastic.  Hmm, I'm thinking mushroom topping too!

Medicine is down.  Going on six days without a miss.  I need to call the V.A. for more of everything.  And to check on their filing with social security.  Insulin is working better, as a regular dose medicine, regardless if I eat or not.  Otherwise I don't eat and blood sugar still goes up.  I must assume there is a lot of sugar simply stored in both protein... muscles... and fat.  Or it is stored in some of it.  As a squirrel seeks nuts, the brain of my metabolism seeks the sweets stored.  Which is why, after years of keto, I am still insulin resistant?  It is my suspicion.

Ducks are out, their pool is filling.  It is already... 86°.  Oh, noon?  I had thought it was ten, still.  Time sure flies sometimes.  A shower shortly.  Laundry... I didn't start it, but everything is back and ready to wash.  Dishes can be started after that.  Not all that many dishes, but a lot of jars.  I purchased stuff made specifically for jars.  Hard to get fat out... from high fat cream and milk.  Work, I need to get going.  The thing is, if I heat up it will be very difficult to cool off.  So working at a slower pace is wise.

Oh, the chicken was very good.  At only six months, that was expected.  I have older pork and much older beef thawed.  I will grill more later.  I actually prefer to grill meat to be reheated.  It works much better.  And with more to cook, it works out.  Having small portions of several meats is also better than having a single larger meat main dish.  Later.

A few projects.

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Grass is getting watered.  No need to mow.  The ducks have put up.  I finally got into the drop-in freezer, the big one.  The little one isn't in use currently.  Ice chipping, inventory taking, and pulling some meat to thaw.  So hungry, I just couldn't get to it.  Some of it is really old, some of it is fresh.  Fresher.  I'll know how bad or good it is shortly.  Some of what is thawing is the oldest stuff.

I had chicken thighs from mid-winter, February if I had to bet.  It is on a fast thaw.  I am so terribly hungry.  Chia and fatted drinks, even eggs, are only edible without meat tossed in for just so long.  I couldn't eat more.  I am hoping most or all of the meat is... at least good enough.  If not, a couple slabs of chuck roast soon.

I will attempt a few more things, then to get to bed earlier.  More work tomorrow, and business.  Blood sugar is okay.  It was 135 fasting, 106 a bit ago.  No food yet, but a dose.  Three a day, 10 cc's normal, 15 cc's or more with meals, depending on the meal... but trying to keep it at 15 cc's max.  Watching what I eat.  Later.

Thoughts of echoes.

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As to the request?  Fine!  Save one more sentence.

Able to track.

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For the first time in a week give or take I was able to remember bedtime and check and keep the time I woke in my mind, roughly, within an half hour for bedtime, truer on waking.  I have been curious about sleep and wakefulness patterns.  Going by yesterday and last night, Sleep seems regular.  I believe sleep has been similar mostly lately, so between seven and nine hours.  It is my awake time that has been stretching.

Knowing is a start to fixing.  It is a medicine thing too though, so there isn't a lot I can do, save be patient.  But becoming able to track is a good start, even if it can't be used.  Awareness is always the beginning.  I have gone through years without awareness.  Sleeping for weeks, months.  It is good to begin knowing.

I'll get the trash barrel in when the ducks go away.  A shower and shave first.  Set up dishes. A small batch, and start laundry.  Actually, I will start laundry right after this.  I wash all save whites on cool or cold, so it shouldn't interfere with a shower should I go faster than anticipated.  Yes, a start.  I am almost sure.  Oh, best feed the cats.  Getting growly.

I might be able to hit it this week.  Later.

Trash is out.

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Recycling too.  Only one small bag of that, so it didn't go to the curb with the trash, which was stuffed.  It's 7:00, and I am just getting to bed.  So tired.  Took forever, and had to push through.  So tired the whole time.  Currently I am always exhausted, if I can't always sleep.

Good morning and night.

Everything is a bit off.

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Starting medicine has side effects.  Doing it in high summer doubles the effects.  Going with a lower dose helps.  That it is cool helps.  Somehow I completely lost track of days and nights.  I am not sure if I have slept too much or too little, stayed awake too long or short, and or any combinations of those.

On the good side, if by pushing things once, I have kept up on medicine, of both sorts.  Blood sugar is 130 average for the week, with 130s to 150s being common fasting reads.  I have made a change.  Since consumption is down, I am adding 10 cc doses in there.  I am trying to dose three times a day, taking reads several hours after each dose, skipping if it is too low.

I wanted to get to bed hours ago.  The thing is I want to get trash and recycling out.  The problem with that is my butt seems glued to my seat!  I think it will get done, in a bit.  Aspirin might help.  Headaches go with starting medicine.  As does insomnia, extra dysfunction, and foggy thinking.  I'll... see about it.

It was 64°, I think, last I checked.  I forgot to open up, so it is still 73°  in the main, 75°up front.  I am in such a pickle I wouldn't know if I was on fire.  I just opened it all up, it should cool swiftly.  A shower too, tonight.  I really enjoy those.  I... a bit of music to get going.  Later.

Somebody knew where to look.

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It almost startles me.  Sometimes it takes a day or three, or not.

After clarifying, back to the regularly scheduled programming.  The video feed was shut off, again, for a while.  Then it went live again.  I could see her outline.