Out, but barely. Car tags, you see.

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And a good thing too.  Today was THE last day.  I am not sure if there is a fine for being late, but if so, Monday would have seen that applied.  And, just as likely as not, I would have gotten a ticket just getting into town Monday.  There are police, state troopers, and sheriff vehicles everywhere here.  My friend teases that there are two cops for every citizen.  While not quite that thick, you might have trouble traveling without seeing a handful of them.  Few roads, and congested at that, means a run-in is much more likely than not.

I wasn't sure how to do it.  Sleep has been unforgiving, trying to change my schedule has left me exhausted.  I went to be at about 3:00, set the alarm for noon.  I was able to wake but it took me a couple... three... hours to shower, shave, all else, and get out the door.  I had hoped to do a bit of shopping but that just wasn't going to happen.  It was all I had just to get to town and back.  I really am, pretty much, stuck here.  For now.

I had only been using the trimmers to create a very rough outline of mutton chop sideburns.  Today I cleaned out the rough, made them official.  They go all the way to where a broader goatee would be and go down to the bottom of my facial jawline, with my mustache in place.  They WILL get bushy if I don't tame them now and again, just a bit.  I was expecting smirks regarding them, but actually I got a rather pleasant reception.  Oh, while shaving, my sink drain plug mechanism failed.  I thought about just... going with it and worrying about it later, but... no!  Short on time I decided just to see if I could find the problem.  Actually, it was all mechanical, all relatively simple, sort of like a puzzle with a half dozen parts.  Now, between the failure and me removing the pieces to see what I had, I pretty much just had parts.  No problem, really.  In less than five seconds I knew what went where and how.  My only problem was trying to get a screw where it went without being able to see.  Well, and it was a small tight space for my gigantic hands.  Still, all told, it only took a minute or two.  And, now I know how that drain plug mechanism works.  I might open a business... the Naked Plumber!  I really should have put something on after showering but my mind was so fixed on time and getting this working that...  Thankfully not even the girls were around to mock or... take an interest in poppos 'bits'.  Cats, curiosity, and being naked is not always the best of mixes.  

Yep, I am tired.  I want to go to bed.  I just want to crawl back to sleep.  I have a minor headache too, and I am hungry.  I can fix the hungry, take a few aspirin, and grind through until a better bed time.  All worth not having the notion that my registration is out of date, probably to be remembered right when I really need to be somewhere, so not being able to do anything but get a ticket.  That stuff really blocks up my mind-web.  Then I freeze up.  Then it all goes to hell in a hurry.  A few overdue personal 'fix it tickets' can just shut me down.  Same with some outstanding big bills or other such.  A turtle trying to be a hare is what my life often resembles.  A tank at the speed strip?  Whatever.  It is done.

The game proceeds.

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After that zombie play day, where I hadn't slept for a day when I started trying to get that difficult trophy?  Well, it turns out there is a good reason I didn't earn it earlier.  I had found two of the sections where you could save.  I also found stats you needed to have before progressing.  The first stat for the first section, 14 kills, I reached.  The next section suggested you needed to have 48 kills.  I kept going over, and over, and over this section because I could not get that number.  I decided, the next day, that I would give it three tries, then just go on with the game, coming back to this section sometime in the future, eventually, maybe.  I ended up giving it only two tries, then just... went on with the rest of the run.  Since I knew I wouldn't get it I considered just ignoring the targets out of protest.  But... I'm not a protester.  So, I killed everything I could.  Near the end, knowing I couldn't get the prize, I just finished off a few, not even that close to the end of the run, and... *ding*  Trophy!  Stupid stats were simply wrong.  But it had made me practice, practice, practice.  I wonder how long before this I could have gotten the trophy though, since I wouldn't complete the run until I had this bogus stat.  I actually, now, thinking back on it, don't think there are enough mobs to kill to even possibly get that high of a stat number.  Never mind.

I am zipping through the game at quite a clip now.  With most of the puzzles figured out, most techniques for bosses and mini-bosses down, and just a few mini-mini-bosses to puzzle, game life is grand.  While I can't always remember, unless something goes with the words heard or read, a game offers neither words to read or hear.  What is offered for memory is success.  That I can sink my memory teeth into.  Further, when I go back and play games from a year ago, I... still remember quite well.  At some point memory fades a bit, and I have to rethink things at some points, but it comes back rather quickly.  Yes, this sometimes surprises me.

I didn't get to bed until almost 6:00 and I didn't get up until 15:00 again.  Oh well.  The girls have been fed, and petted while they ate.  They got their "morning" pep talk and sweet nothings too.  Sam is out enjoying the last of the 'good life'.  She so loves the summer, and the outside, save in the hottest of times.  She really should be a California or Hawaii cat.  Sassy is good wherever, liking it inside much better 90% of the time.  Of course, this is the only place Sam knows or has ever known, so... I think she is good with it, mostly.  Besides, unless she came up with the money to move and the political power to break the liberal lock on those states... we stay.  *grins*

Good day.

Clarifications.

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I know I left off fairly starkly with that last post.  Yeah, well, okay, everything hurt.

I do my Father's will, I do.  And, sometime in the past, long ago now, that was all of it.  At this point?  I love my life.  I don't simply humbly oblige God and dredge through life.  No, not a bit!  I embrace my life, with it's warts, hurts, burns.  Those things aren't the whole of my life, either.  They aren't even the majority.  My life is even sensuous, pleasing, fun, too.  And I love to work when I can.  I have a fantastic life!

No, that last post was just... when I so plainly see the difference through my senses, when I compare here with there, when I face it, am forced to face it?  Of course I cry.  You will too, when you see.  You cannot imagine the difference.  You are probably not even as disabled as I am, but you can't know how painful life itself is, at least in this disordered versions of things, until you see the other side.

It reminds that when I died that time, when they brought me back, I cried every waking hour for three days.  I was so angry with the doctors that if I had been a sociopath or psychopath I would have done them grievous harm.  Then again, if I was either of those I probably wouldn't have gone where I went.  Further, coming back to the pain of the attempted suicide, hunger, and even simply needing to breath...  It was disorienting and painful in ways words simply fail to be able to express.  Perhaps nail your hand to a plank of wood, rip it off, then put it in burning oil?  Yeah, maybe.  That would get you to the point where we could discuss it apples to crab-apples anyway.

I do abide Father, but I don't do it miserably or as a duty.  And I do believe this pleases Him.  It's a circular thing.  The more you do to please God, the easier life becomes, no matter your circumstances.  If I can enjoy life anyone can.  Yes, you and you and you.  Yes, you can.  Of all the things created, only one matters.  All other things were made so that one thing could simply be...  Life.  The love of a God to make all things for this...  You will see, sooner than you may suspect.  But no matter, time flies.  Be ready, be good, love, and love living. 

By the way, if you think the Catholic Church holds secrets, has hidden wealth, and all sorts of such?  You are right.  The song "Miserere mei, Deus" (Have mercy on me, O God) was a Vatican state secret for centuries.  Some of the other settings may still be held in reserve.  I have to guess She holds many other secrets and wealth as such.  Though, if a state decides to steal Her wealth, they will find they have merely 'rolled' a nun for all they get.  For without faith, even the art, but literature and music too, are... hollow, empty, valueless of coin. 

Some days are just difficult.

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I won't say today is one of those days, only that one of my regular blog reads seems to be spiritually bleeding.  Her remedy is a good one, as they go.  But her remedy also brings things to mind that... cause me great pains.  As I mentioned, having seen past the veil makes living here harder yet than it already has become, which is far worse than normal life for most which is difficult too.  It can be summed up with two pieces of music, one is her salve, one is mine or at least an explanation of my life.  The difference between the two does not even compare life here and there, or expose even more than moderately the way that knowing tears at my heart and mind.  It does hint at the differences, my issues.  But I do Father's will, and stay, and do my best, as is and all.  Patience, faith, and a few other things have grown and now are my keepers.  Keepers aren't always the best painkillers.

The best of plans and intent...

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Going a day without sleep in order to reschedule sleep patterns since I had stayed up too late sounded like a great plan.  At times in my life, that does work.  Not this time.  Beyond getting stuck on stupid trying to get that trophy, it seems that when I stay up, it doesn't always mean I can get to bed earlier.  I didn't end up going down until... 4:00?  I did, finally, get to sleep at that point.  And I did sleep.  But it was not a restful sleep, it was the sleep of the dead.  Waking at 15:00 or so, with a headache as if I had consumed far too much beer last night, but without the accompanying dry mouth, I feel more like I tussled with a rhino and lost.  The headache, at least, is not a migraine.  It is bad, but it is a nice dull pain, slightly to the left of the center of my skill, that makes me think a battle axe split through from front to back, down to a few inches above my spinal column.  I'll down some aspirin shortly.

Hey, but in my life, since the doctors can't really help and nothing I do works every time, I don't mind taking pot shots at things that have worked.  Suffering just goes to the souls in purgatory, if too... I don't mean to... add to what I go through, on purpose.  And I certainly don't mind trying to alleviate the suffering.  I am pretty sure even souls in purgatory don't mind me taking some painkillers when warranted, if memory serves.  They get enough anyway.  *grins*

On to some... actual news. It seems "science" has decided that kids are fatter now because fast-food chains' advertising is imprinting on childrens' minds.  The study ignores huge problems with the notion.  They ignore the fact that the obesity tables were changed about a decade ago, to be much more "inclusive".  They ignore that it is not children, but parents or other care providers who decide what, where, and when children eat. They ignore the fact that, by population, the number of children is greatly reduced from 20 years ago.  Families are having fewer and fewer children, leading to coddling, reducing in home child-to-child play and competition.  A family with six children, as well, is MUCH less likely to eat at McDonalds than a family with one or two children... the price, you see, is untenable. There are at least a half dozen other qualifiers that are simply being ignored, probably in a push to eliminate or regulate advertising.  On the other hand, my first fast-food chains are still in my mind.  I see and I get... hungry... all over again! Or... something like that.  Thank you, Jawa!

As for creepy things companies do?  Okay, this is downright creepy.  There are so many things wrong with this I can't begin to go through it all.  Of course, most people would just be happy to be "found" that they really wouldn't care.  Heck, most people see nothing at all wrong with this.  Well, until it all goes very bad, one way or another.  It makes you wonder when they do this with no prizes, for... other reasons.  My guess is, though, that they didn't do it for the public's sake, they did it because they wanted to try to make sure their people, or the ad agency, didn't rig the thing.  They are trying to not allow the contest to be rigged.  It only has a slim chance of working though.  Cheaters are being created from grade school on now, it's the only way it seems.  I would wish them luck, but luck being what it is and what they are doing as the method make well-wishes in their effort nearly impossible for me.

Life, death.  The strangest of anomalies.  No one really knows how they work, logic doesn't fit, the will to live can help but that isn't always the answer.  Sure, you see stories about people who kept going and going and going in an effort to live.  What you don't see is that most of the people in dire situations die no matter what they do or the stories of people who are completely stuck, do nothing, and still get saved.  A young man anda young woman have survived against... anything logical.  They will both get to have a chance at full, whole, lives... impossibly.  I would say life for them will be very different in that they... have a greater appreciation for life.  In the next case, something that seems impossible to have happened did.  A young man lost his life for no good reason.  Oh, don't blame YouTube, silly human tricks, or glass manufacturers.  It isn't even luck, or the lack of it.  It is... just the way of things.  Pray for his family, and the repose of his soul.  Now, while the death of a 59 year old man is not funny, some circumstances surrounding his death...  A drummer in a disco band, playing somewhere in South America, died while his band was playing.  His fellow band members didn't notice.  What I could say about disco, drummers, and such?  No, no, I will just leave it there.  I have said a prayer for his family and friends too.  Just understand from these things that life and death and health are not in our hands.  We simply don't understand.

And finally, a story of to Russia with love that has an ironic ending.  Ironic?  Something.  I was just discussing GM crops, "organic" foods, and such, the other day.  It seems Russia is the latest to fall for Greenpeace lies.  Now, the thing with Russia is, their leaders no more believe, let alone care, about the notion of genetically modified foods than myself or any other right-minded individual.  What they do care about is maintaining power.  The power that control of food, and limits on that, is immense.  This is not about food safety, this is about control through the stomach.  Greenpeace, after all, is just an bastard offspring of the ideological communist assault on America in the the first place.  And, it's intent is exactly how it is being applied in Russia, using their own American political involvement front group spawn as... political cover.  Yeah, I think that IS ironic... for the Russian people anyway.  Government control of who gets artificially scarcified needed goods is what this is about.

Up all day, but it isn't pretty.

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I am glad I decided to stay up.  The packages from Emergency Essentials arrived as did the strap machine.  The EE package indicated that the total weight of the two boxes was 60 pounds.  It felt like a whole lot more.  Then again I hadn't slept in a day by then.  I have everything stowed, save the strapping device, which now means I can put my AC away, in it's original packaging.  I haven't been using it for several weeks, give or take.  I am hoping it is dry.  I don't know about this air conditioner, but most I have had collect water.  I'll check that in the morning.  If it needs drained, I'll figure that out.  Then again this isn't Iowa.  I did cook some meat earlier in the day, plus supper arrived on time.  It was a good day, foodwise.

I really need to figure out the outdoor faucet before it freezes.  I know it has to be getting close, time wise.  Digging, lots of digging, still to do.  Either that or I just push the dirt back in the hole.  Gah!  So close, so stuck.  We will see.

Don't shoot the messenger?

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Looking through the news I ran across this little nugget.  Oh, I am faithful, but to try and let secularists say things seems to sooth some nerves.  Oh, don't shoot me or Howard.  Me?  Because I'll shoot back and probably better.  Howard?  Because he isn't the problem.  Oh heck, just listen to it.  I laughed myself to tears.  Tears when I realized how much of the population is like that.  I was called a racist, by a so-called conservative, for believing blacks vote Democrat as a bloc so as to get free goodies.  Where has that conservative been hiding.  (It was Republican white activists you see in the civil rights clashes in the 50's and 60's down South.  It was Democrats with the badges and dogs, for example.  It wasn't until Dems saw that Jim Crow laws wouldn't fly that they decided to simply buy the black vote, and they have.) The demographic bomb is what worries me, that can't be fixed.  Well, not quite like an election even if it takes four years. :p

Luck, news, and bedtime.

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Hmm, it seems some people actually do have a good grasp of things.  Luck, like many other superstitions vying to replace religion, often explains why people are the way they are.  But only by people who seem to have nothing.  This fellow dispels that notion quite well.  h/t AoSHQ

Forgetting about fundamentals, over and over again.

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No, nothing fancy.  I didn't forget anything major, merely that doing anything, at times, has a very high cost.  The preparation and trip to the stores yesterday went off without a hitch.  I didn't push things.  A shower earlier, a bit of air drying, then getting dressed, then going to town.  I didn't hit but two stores, and one of the stores was a 'ten minute job', with no serious walking or thinking needed.  The other store stop was rather quick and painless too.  Meat, meat, meat, meat, some more meat, then a few other things.  I doubt if I had 30 things in my cart.  Pricey but not heavy.  When I got home I was able to bring everything into the house in, say, three trips.  Now I can carry an unseemly amount of baggage.  Three gallons of milk and two twelve packs of soda, plus whatever other bags I can carry in some other way, for example.  My problem carrying groceries isn't weight, it is making sure I can get through doors with out mashing things.  I like my fingers and I don't like ripped packages or crushed edibles.  Along with filling doorways by myself, a handful of groceries often requires gymnastic moves, which I pull of quite well I should add.  For a blundering ogre I am rather... athletic in motion.  But I felt good throughout, never sensing I was taxing myself.

So, I go to bed at my usual time (which is now rather early in the morning).  I was up a bit later, I think, due to working myself up shopping.  What I mean is I had been getting to bed slightly earlier as I try to balance days back into focus again.  It takes a long time for me to 'cool down', literally or in this case more figuratively.  Still, I was in bed at a relative recent normal bedtime.  I did wake at 11:00.  The world looked and seemed too much like a Dali or Picasso painting.  I voided, didn't feed the girls because... well... I couldn't.  So, back to bed.  I did not wake until 15:00 or a bit later!  Yikes!  Yeah, I'm running on empty, it isn't just being lazy.  Still, it's good to know.  I often just minimize my life and pretend or think I could do more, safely hiding the reality behind inactivity.

Someone, however, suggested that perhaps, in my condition, I should be more prone to self-defense, at a higher level, than others.  Being that I am in bad shape.  I want to allay that notion.  I am probably a more fit combatant, as is, right now, than almost any human male you will ever meet.  My response times are fast enough that an average fighter will not get a chance to strike me, simply they won't land a blow.  And between blocking I will be absolutely devastating them.  My skills with a gun are well beyond that of an average gun owner, where pistols are concerned.  There are some who take sidearm training and practice the heck out of it who are better, and some who just are 'that good' natively, who would top me.  Other than that, I am quite good.  A fight, perhaps, would mean the next day... or week... I might be down.  But in the instance I would be exceptionally good.  My heart has not impinged on that a bit.  Further, I am 'always on'.  I haven't found the switch to even taper that.  Perhaps the switch is fused at this point?  Oh, and... hypnosis and suggestion therapies... don't work well with that.  I have tried everything I and even professionals know to do.  Of course, that means that I won't be killed by a random sucker-punch from some unknown assailant, either.  Do not think of me as a combat invalid.  That would be... a gross misstatement and a mistake.

Sometimes I forget the fundamentals, sometimes others simply don't understand what mine are.  But the fundamentals cannot be changed, sometimes, they 'just are'.  The paragraph above is related to a topic at Sigs, where a cop shot a double amputee (lost a leg and an arm) man who had used his wheelchair to corner his partner, then started swinging a 'bright shiny'.  The distant partner shot the man, in this case to death.  I assessed that the partner had done the right thing.  And I hold to that.  If you have ever been stabbed, you know.  And if it looks like a knife, your partner is literally not in a position to defend himself, and you are on point, you take the fucking shot.  I was trained in the school of 'if you don't do it you can all die'.  And I stick with that, and I will do it.  I can be sorry later, but in this case I wouldn't be.  Regret the loss of life?  Always, just not particularly given some situations.  But I will make the same choice, and call, every time.  I won't lose my people to indecision.  I know, even when I do everything I can, it is not enough as is.  But I won't quit trying.  If I am gimped to combat, it is due to this, not to having a bad heart.  Further, in my opinion, this is not a bad feature.  It is... what is and should be expected.  It sure beats a placard on a wall, with a picture, gathering dust, to go with a widow and her brood, as a testament to 'civilized notions'.  Bah!

Well, on to my day.  Good day.

The wind is chill tonight.

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It feels like, smells like, rain or some other moisture is moving in.  I think it is still far too warm for snow to stick, probably too warm for it to fall in the valley, but you never know.  A minor gust or two has opened and shut my heavy front door, which I am trying to keep open a crack.  Odd how that... worked.  I will be checking the peaks, if I can see them through any possible clouds tomorrow.  My guess is they are getting hit.  I do love seeing fresh new snow up there.  It is where I want to be, and in it.  Yeah, I know.  I might figure a way to that.  Wise or no matters little.  Those dreams I had in Iowa still haunt me, pull me, to be up there.

Oh, I seem to heal in some places much better than in other places.  My penis has healed completely.  Very odd, it was just a few days ago, and those scratches went clear through the skin.  They weren't surface notches, I saw... whatever goes for flesh under the skin.  And there were three or four severe scrapes, too.  Funny, I can have a scratch take a month to heal on my arm, but not there?  All good.  I take that to mean I am still... viable. 

If I lose more weight, and hit the 250 mark... I will really try to dig into that and begin working out, somehow.  If all I can do is wear weights, then that is what I will do.  That will increase my weight, but if continues to fall with my eating, it might just balance out.  I gain muscle mass exceedingly quickly when I have been able to work out.  But I never looked buff, even when swimming 9 miles a week and benching 2 1/2 times my body weight or more.  I have looked fit, I have never looked epic, to my eyes.  And, while that bothered me a bit at the time, it wouldn't bother me a bit now.  My goals, if I could get to them, are much diminished.  I wouldn't really push to bench more than 400 reliably and easily.  And just swimming 4 to 6 miles a week would be good enough.  But to have a 31 inch waist again?  Yeah, okay, I'd love that.  So long as I still weighed 240 or so.  I once was a tank, perhaps I can at least be an armored personnel carrier?  :P

Later or good night.

Changing my mind?

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Yes, but not without having gathered more information.  With the privatizing of my blog and meals coming in.  After doing a bit of checking, trial and error type, I have found the problem with my blog.  I need to correct some things regarding the modem or type of connection.  Beyond that, I will probably not be able to keep those who know how from accessing the blog.  As for meals, after a good long chat with one of the main participants, uhrm and a large serving of beef ribs, brown rice with kale, carrots, and brussels sprouts...  I have decided to continue with that.  I have learned how to ask questions for answers that aren't eluded to, and finding them in data sets.  I am satisfied. 

Now, that doesn't mean I won't be looking to further supplement my food sources.  Like I suggested, adding MRE's and some other things would both bolster my food stocks and give me something easy to eat a couple of times a week.  Simply, until I know if I can take the job of feeding myself, I ought to at least check out whether I can do it.  I haven't eaten this well for most of my illness.  All but a few years where I lived with a woman who cooked or cooked for a woman who tended the rest, my life has been from one feast to the next, with starvation in between those feasts.  It wasn't healthy, in any way.  Nor was I usually in a position to do much about it.  Now, things are coming together in that direction, but...  We will see.

I got a shower in, dressed, and made it to town.  The tobacco store first, as it was mostly likely to have shorter hours being Sunday.  Then to the grocery store.  I didn't fill the freezer section, but I certainly gave it a decent shot.  Meats!  I also bought the makings for at least one batch of menudo, minus the hominy.  That just slipped my mind.  Oh, and a couple more corned beef brisket packs.  Those feed me for nearly a week!  Milk too, and assorted odds and ends.  It wasn't a perfect shopping experience, but it was as much as I could muster and it does set me up for another week or two of perishables I consider necessary and a few other things that should last me a month, maybe two months.

I did grab a meat at McDonalds on the way home.  While not fine dining, it worked.  I realized dinner would be coming in shortly after my meal.  I thought I would save it for later.  Beef ribs (though she cooks all meats so well that...  gah!  I am spoiled).  Anyway, it was... too good looking to pass up, so I have eaten twice, and hardy, today.  No problems, I haven't been eating much lately so it worked out.  Sure, a revision of my feasting and fasting, but more just a rare occurrence now, so I simply enjoyed. 

Oh, I best get my tags renewed!  Krimeny but that always sneaks up, and often nearly past, me.  There are other things I should do, too.  We will see.  Oh, trash and recycling tonight.  I think I can get to that.  Hmm, later.

I have to get to town.

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Not this instant, but within the day.  While I have found a way to deal with no milk, a way to deal with no typical tobacco, and some other things, I am merely limping along.  A shower, perhaps some work on my mutton chops, and away I will go.  I was looking around for a picture of similar mutton chops.  It seems guys with mutton chops are always pictured as 3/4's crazy.  So, you'll just have to guess.  I did keep the mustache, which attaches to the chops though.  And I'm keeping it fairly well trimmed for now.  I did come across the notion that women hate these.  Women, it is said, will either lose all interest in you or hope to use their whiles to change you.  I realized, while reading that, that I have always wanted several obvious (to women) flaws.  If all else is good, this actually makes the attraction stronger.  Further, while they are working with the simple stuff, they don't try to mess with the more complex stuff.  Look, no matter what, you will surrender some things to your woman.  Going into the thing with... enough... negotiables to start?  hehe...  Just a thought for some of you guys out there.

I don't know how long I will keep the chops myself.  I've been wearing them for a couple of weeks now.  Just like a new hair style though, it actually takes time to train the whiskers (a bit, as you can't train them much).  Actually, I think you just figure out where to trim the lines so that the whiskers fit the image you are trying to relay better.  My whiskers, just like my hair, have a wild streak.  They grow this way here, that way there, and it is a cross patch requiring face-grid mapping.  The multi-directional grows are opposed and extreme, just like my "natural wave".  These are good for survival though, they all combine to mesh hair and beard to keep the cold out, and being naturally resistant to cold anyway...  I would say I am nearly superhuman with regards to cold.  Unfortunately that makes heat one of my kryptonites.  Bleh.

Well, a bit of gaming, then a shower, then a run to town... sometime soon.  I am absolutely out of way too much and so low on what little of the things I use as substitutes or even second fiddle substitutes, that I am choking.  Meh, it's good for me.  If I will fix it asap.  Good day.

When Sam won't go.

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Sam is an outdoor girl.  I've seen her go out with dogs around.  People don't bother her, nor does traffic if she does keep to this side of the road mostly.  When she wants out though, and goes to the door, does a quick sniff, and flees back?  Yeah, I do wonder what is out there.  For all I know it could just be a raccoon or opossum.  But I am thinking it is something else.  Sure, she wouldn't want to tangle with either of those beasts, or a dog.  Those things don't want to tangle with her, either.  In simple terms none of them really will feed the other, predators aren't the best food items.  Further, the risk of injury is too high.  So, when Sam does that, if I hadn't been thinking about it before, I put my shoulder holster on and keep my back to a wall.

Gaming is going well.  Now, while I like puzzles from time to time, when it becomes all puzzle all the time, that can try my nerves.  Near the end of a game day though, I doubt if my skills are at their peak.  I want to push through though, so I will see how to do whatever it is.  I don't like doing that.  Usually I just need a little help on a few spots through hours of play.  I can bang my head on a wall trying to invent a wheel, or I can just get the design online.  Knowing what to do, of course, doesn't always mean you can simply just do it.

Some of the bosses in this game have been pretty steep, and remember, I am playing on the easiest mode.  Other bosses have been moderate.  I won't say any of them have been easy.  None of them have been quick.  Further, every once in a while you meet a standard new monster which absolutely beats you into the ground.  Some of them simply can't really be owned, or even rented.  I have found techniques for some of them, but not close to all of them.

The game is great so far.  There really aren't stupid problems, like... getting snagged while trying to walk through a door... or backing up but somehow not being able to back through the door you are only half through.  I hate games where the simple mechanical world is absolutely wrong.  I haven't found other bugs or flaws either.  No dropping through cracks in the game, or other oddities.  The closest I came to that was dropping to my death, but pausing to look at some things in inventory (by accident mind you), and ending up on the "floor", with no way to die or get out.  I had just saved, so... it was all good.

The story?  Well, better than most games by far, but rather weak.  That says a lot for game story lines.  Maybe it truly is difficult to get a game to fit around a story?  Is it that the nerds who write and the nerds who program are two extremely different to play well together?   Of course, the secular nature of many of the game makers, writers, and programmers doesn't help.  When you exclude even the notion of God you pretty much...  Well, God isn't just the creator.  In some sense the universe is sort of an echo of His thoughts.  A fingerprint of God.  Something.  So when you try to exclude Him, you... aren't really including much.  This game isn't too bad with that though.  It is a newage myth, based on accepted religious notions mixed with apocryphal and simple fiction.  The notion that God might trade souls, or that it is a game, of course, is one of the more common secular notions.  I just think, like when we were kids, and our parents wanted alone time, but we didn't know why?  But they wouldn't tell us either?  Yeah, well, they weren't goofing with us.  The funny look on my parents' faces weren't in jest.  We simply weren't ready to know and they weren't ready to tell us.  Same same with God.  Either we aren't ready for the whole truth or we can't even get it even when we are told. But life simply isn't a game.  It is a contest of will between good and evil which allows us to choose between the two over a relatively reasonable period of time.  God has already won, actually.  I honestly don't understand why others can't see that.

I want to get dressed and get going but I don't think that is going to happen.  I've found just a bit more tobacco.  The form isn't preferred, but... what is it they say about beggars?  At least I am not begging other people, only myself through time.  I won't explain more than to say that if I can walk through walls, I can do this easily too.  It isn't always as tricky as it seems, though sometimes.  I walk through walls on a daily, hourly probably, basis.  That is, after all, what doors and entryways are for.  Right through that wall.  See?

Later.  No, probably not.  Good night.

Hrm?

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Hitting bed at about 3:00 and waking at 11:00 was okay.  I had the alarm set for noon, but beat it.  I am trying to go to bed just a bit earlier.  I seem to be sleeping eight hours, give or take, with a game I like to wake up and play anyway.  Therefore, going to bed a few hours earlier might allow me to readjust my day back into the full spectrum of morning and afternoon.  I sort of had it there, until the game arrived in the mail.

The girls are absolute pains in the butt some mornings.  They bash the bedroom door, knock things over, and such.  On the mornings they do that though, they won't get food for a couple of hours.  If I hear nothing, nothing seemingly awoke me, I'll feed them right away.  Today they got to wait.  Every fifteen minutes I yelled out "Hungry!".  Heh.  Worked every time.  Just did it again (though I fed them an half hour ago... still works to get Sassy as worked up as a teen girl might for the boy-bands).   Yeah, poppo can be a vile cruel evil non-feeding food-teasing ogre.  Hungry!?!  Yeah, about that, thanks for the wake-up call.

I am completely out of all tobacco.  Yeah, I... need to get to town, soon.  I am out of milk.  Yep, I need to shop.  I have no fresh-frozen meats.  I have to go.  Ugh.  I'll... get there.  Probably.  Soon.  Maybe.  How addicted can I possibly be to blow off the addiction like that?  Or is that an honest testament to my illness?  Never mind, I'll just chew on a chunk of iron while I contemplate.  Later.

Charmed indeed.

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Since I am out once in a while, smoking since I am out of other forms of tobacco, I have been watching for wasps near the grill.  I saw some there so lit it up again a bit ago.  They simply aren't going to abandon their charred home.  I decided, rather than to waste more fuel right then, to wait until very early in the morning, probably a bit before I go to bed.  At that time it might be cool enough that the wasps cannot move quickly enough to escape.  Why do I bring up the notion of being charmed again?  Because that is the grill I nearly ended up putting into my SUV, then taking it to the charity event.  The notion had been to fire it up and clean it off first, but that doesn't always end up happening.  Could you imagine having a bunch of angry wasps attack, either from moving the thing or worse, swarming while I was driving?  Wouch.

I am still a bit 'sore' with the girls.  I don't know which one thought poppo's tent pole would make a fantastic clawing post, and to a degree it doesn't matter.  Still, I never really felt pain, even while engorged which happens plenty too often for someone trying to be chaste, if the blood did block things up and caused a slight burn while urinating for a few days.  All good now.  I just need to watch for infections.  They have never done such a thing so I am not even sure what to think about the notion.  Bah, I heal.  And unlike animals and women, I don't have to replace my delicates.  Hehe.  The 'girls' keep away from my unders almost as much as real women do.  It's good to be an ogre.  Smell that smell?  Heh.  Then again, I still wear unders when torn, so long as they both still fit well and come completely clean when washed.  I didn't even like racing stripes on my sports car, k?

Sardines, tonight, with crackers.  Yeah, not my favorite, but I truly needed some protein.  And they aren't horrible, either.  Sometimes they are even quite good.  I buy them packed in olive oil if I can, though that isn't always any better.  At some point down the scale of oils, a really bad olive oil can probably be compared to a solid diesel flavor.  What I have is pretty good, and I have several brands I am comparing.  What I have found is that some are good some of the time, but my tastes as to sardines and brands is very mood related.  I don't quite have my moods and flavor profiles down pat enough to pick though, yet.  Texture and flavor differ greatly, some are small fish, others slab steaks by comparison.  Some are tightly bound, other are rather loose.  I really need to get to the store and buy meat.  Meat, meat, meat, and just for good measure, more meat!  You can keep the carrots, peas, broccoli, and salad.  Oh, I like those well enough, I just don't have enough energy to cook those along with meat.  I need meat, I don't need those, no matter what you may think or say.  I've fed this silly corpse for at least two decades beyond when it should have died.  I really must be doing something right.

Charmed, absolutely.  But the term "charmed" has so many... connotations.  It can be like the term lucky, and along the lines of having a dog with one eye, two and three quarter legs, no tail, and scars from head to tail... named Lucky.  Later.

A dying aunt, cat weirdness, paranoia, and a phone call.

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Way too fast this morning.  I think it was morning when I woke?  I didn't get to bed until 5:00, closer to 6:00 I think.  Waking right on the edge of noon, the morning edge though.  A little rough, a bit grumpy, and perhaps with the webs of the dream world and recent events swirling around in the charged atmosphere of the conscious and unconscious mind storm vying for dominance, this morning was already interesting, as Spock might have suggested.

I turn the sound off on my phone at night.  I found that just turning the phone off meant nothing, as sometimes it would simply turn itself back on and make it's various weird noises, beeps, or send calls through regardless.  Turning the sound off works best.  I checked it first thing.  My mother called earlier this morning so I called her right back.  Of course, being in the state of mind mentioned above, she got... everything... in a more raw form.  And, she was corrected.

It seems one of my primary aunts has stage IV cancer.  It is everywhere.  It somewhat surprises me, she has always been a hypochondriac.  It seems that they finally stopped checking out her grievances to the end that when she did become ill they did not investigate until too many verifiable symptoms existed.  She was told, so I have heard, that she has six months to two years to live.  Of course, I told my mother that time-stamps by doctors are somewhere between a statistical thing and a fools gift.  Much like the bell curve, if you have even an IQ of 150 you are so unlikely as to be a negligible being.  Even getting accepted to nuke school in the Navy made people... anomalous.  But... there you are.  I just told my mother I would pray for her and my uncle.  Through good and bad, they are family.  Even if they weren't though, prayer is all I can offer.

Having been enervated by questions about my health the other day I was... worrying about things.  I discussed my notions with my mother, who suggested that paranoia was a part of my illness.  Oh, no, it is not mother.  Heart problems do not cause paranoia.  Further, I am not actually paranoid.  I am merely more cautious than most, and for good reason.  I took here back just through the part of the development of my senses in the part of my life to which she could attest.  I think... she understood.  I am merely on the rather cautious side.  With very good reason.  I have been alone and unwilling to simply abide the way of things.  I drew lines in the sand and absolutely would not budge, and still don't.  Typical men fear that, and... women love that, so long as they feel safe with me personally (if their trust is not a good measure, it just happens to be correct in my case).  And I learned how to do that, successfully.

Anyway, I was worrying if I would suddenly get sick or start showing symptoms after the discussion about my health.  So, what happens a day or two after that discussion?  Blood in the urine!  It was just the first few drops, which were nearly pure blood!  The rest of it, however, was clear.  Hrm?  Since then it has been like that, if tapering off.  I did some research online, but it turned out absolutely useless.  Why?  Because, the blood wasn't from the inside.  While washing, I noticed something odd.  My 'johny' was scratched up a bit.  Hum?  Yes, it had a number of cuts on it... scratches... through the skin.  Oh, yes, poppo is a little put out with the girls.  I have no idea which one did it.  Most likely it was attempt to wake me up for food though by attacking my 'tool' while it was in piss hard-on mode, pre-waking.  Though, girl cats are weird.  I think, if they want attentions, they will attack then "surrender", if the male is otherwise not being attentive.  Women really... well... they aren't their own in some ways.  But, yeah, that is what the blood was.  I live the most 'charmed' life, have the weirdest damn things happen.  As my avatar's namesake might say... I'm just lucky that way.

All of my discussions and new information on top of an already fairly eclectic group of waking brain storms and life events of recent have combined into some seemingly simply wondhorrifterriboddgood day for me, or... something.  It certainly isn't boring this morning... well, afternoon now.  I guess you don't always have to step outside to step in it.

Ah!  I found out where the wasps were coming from.  Not a lot, just a steady flow of them.  I have been looking but not finding.  Anyway, while outside prepping the grill, I was looking around.  Always do, but that hasn't been enough to find the wasp nest(s). So, I tried to light the grill for the first time this summer, and it wasn't having any of that at first.  A little this, a little that, and...  *woof*  No, I was careful. I've... blown the thing a bit once or twice, and I learned. Then?  Popcorn?  What is that crackle and pop?  It was the wasps that weren't fast enough.  The ones that were fast enough came buzzing out.  Okay, I decided on a quick retreat.  I'll let that... cook off for a bit.  See, keep with it and you can solve all kinds of problems!  Charmed, to be sure.

Good day.

Oh, food storage...

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Being that I haven't been out other than Mass once, a KoC meeting, and once for grocery shopping and a visit, in the last three months or so, I haven't been keeping up on my food stores.  At least I haven't been using them, either.  So, tonight, I fixed that a bit.  As I said, I would prefer more of my stores in #10 cans.  I have ordered enough black beans for my needs in #10 cans.  I still need a variety of other beans, and I would like to get lentils as well, first to try, but more likely to order in even larger amounts than actual beans.  Rice after that, would be my guess.  While I don't like the notion of white rice, I have tried the whole grain type alternatives.  They are simply too... dusty tasting.  So, enriched white rice will simply have to do.  I also ordered a number of freeze-dried main entrees in #10 cans.  That just makes life really easy when I am down or if a lot is required so that I simply can't cook.  Boiling water, a container to combine... dinner.  As well, I purchased a number of water packets.  Sure, I have a (the) top of the line filter, I have a dozen devices in which to store water, there is a river that pretty much passes right through town...  Still.  And they weren't that expensive.  I may, yet this month, order a heirloom seed grouping that is on sale at nearly half price.  I could toss it in the freezer, or put the can in the basement.  I dunno, thinking about that.

I am seriously considering a month or two supply of MRE's.  Now, that means three entrees a day, if only one side dish and one dessert per day.  I would probably try to order additional side dishes, as I am considering just eating one MRE whole meal every other day or every third day, as a supplement to what else I do.  It is a bit expensive, but... when it is done it is done.  No dishes, no pots, no pans, no fuss, no mess.  It can be eaten cold or heated up.  As well, it is an excellent travel companion, just in case.  On the road, off the road, or into the hills.  It's even waterproof, if... a little too buoyant for a large underwater carry... urhm, without a trick or three... just saying... :p

I just like the notion of having seed producing crop seed.  Just in case the world literally switches from modern to the death trap it has always truly been.  Men might be terrible to other men, but the world, when allowed or men forget how to tame/negotiate with her, seems to truly despise men like not even Pol Pot can imagine.  She kept men fleeing, dying, hiding, and fearful, nearly destroying men before we could learn to write after we forgot that skill sometime in history.  Some say the world does it's thing and deservedly so... and I disagree.  If it all fails we will be at her very delicate mercy.  How much certainty, or even hope, would a small selection of non-hybrid seed bring?  How much certainty, or hope, does a gun bring a man against a overarching government, or even a local gang problem?  How much hope does any man have in the fruit of his own seed?  That is not for us, we can only... put forth the best effort we have, and the way to do that is to prepare to put that effort forward.  The ends are out of our hands.  Amazing, really, considering how well most of us truly do live.  Never worry, that is coming to a swift and judicious end.  Only judicious because... we chose it.  Well, our parents chose it and we bought into it.  Regardless of the election results, it is at least going to get as bumpy as an international economic and social Katrina hit.

Yeah, on to bed now that I am all cheered up. 

Another day, two more bosses.

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It isn't much but it works. The game is going well. There are always little things to work out, and I learn about game mechanics and such all the time. As I said, I don't read the manual. Some manuals are horrible though, anyway. Some, many, do not actually tell you how to use devices, mechanics, or weapons. Some don't even include those things. Tonight I figured out how to save, quite by accident actually. Okay, so that is probably in the manual, if not all of them.

I think I am going back to feeding myself at the end of this month. It has been good to have food coming in but I need to do that myself from now on. I will speak with the man whose family has been heading that up this Sunday. While it probably will hurt a little financially, it is also probably a bit of a relief. It was one more thing he had to do in an already hectic personal, professional, social, and religious life.

Shoulder holster are wonderful things. While I am in my pj's, I can holster the pistol without losing my bottoms. I ran out of chew so... at 0 dark thirty I am out smoking once in a while. The scream of that mountain lion, the surprise and close nature of it... sticks with me. It was one of the most haunting soul rending things I have ever encountered. A gun in such a situation might or not even be able to be brought to bear... it's the notion... it gives me a much better chance IF I can bring it into play.

A little more of this and that... No, actually, I think it is bed time. Good night. Well, I could feed the girls one last time. I have been getting them six small meals a day. While they never get fed to the point of being overly full, they also never get completely full, either. If I could regulate my hours of sleep, it might be perfect for them, dieteticly. Then again, since they are still not completely domesticated, some variance might actually serve them better than absolute regularity. Who knows. Ah, right, good night.

Well? What... Pushing the envelope is sort of fun.

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I can't be sure when I went to bed.  I know it was after 2:00, I think it was past 3:00, I am almost certain is was well before 4:00.  Simply, I was totally spent when I went to bed.  I woke a few times to cat whisker remise, followed by a passata sotto, along with feints, second intentions, lunges and so on.  I won't swear which of the girls was on point.  I think they took turns.  Until a bit past 11:00, however, I was right where I was going to stay.  That is almost eight hours of sleep, I am... happy with that.  Now to try and shift it to an earlier waking though.  Again.

While I can't do much physically, it seems I can still wear myself out.  Further, I still have some sense of gaming.  While that section is difficult, and will continue to get more difficult per setting, I will be keeping it in mind as I play the rest of the game.  I will be practicing with that weapon, learning the keying, trying to make that second nature in real time and in fight or flight situations, and trying to improve my visual and aural cue reception and response times.  It is such a different game style, in some sense, than what I usually stay within.  While all that is easier said than done, it... will definitely be on my mind.

I have fed the girls, dealt with their litter boxes... adding more litter.  The instructions for this new litter suggest placing 1 1/2" of material in the pan.  The girls aren't particularly fond of that and I see no reason to do so.  I have added another inch or two of the new litter.  It is working quite well.  I can't wait to see if it lasts as long as it says.  It suggests, with one litter box and two cats, the litter is supposed to function for up to two weeks. That is impossible, my girls are small and relieve them outside a quarter to have the time and that wouldn't work for them, at all.  I have three litter boxes though, and two cats of course.  I don't mind stressing the stuff to the breaking point since I am clearing it daily.  I will KNOW when it begins to, or absolutely and abruptly, fails.  I don't like it, because it seems weird and such.  It is new and different, and old dogs just like... things to be as they always were.  But if it works as long as it says, with as little fuss as it has shown to be, I may stick with it.  Two six pound bags (since I want a deeper level than manufactures suggest is needed), if it works out, will replace three to four 25 pound bags of standard litter.  Just hauling that around the store and the house is enough, well, and tossing such a huge mass at the end of each week.

Then again, and too, I wasn't doing daily policing with it, so... my bad on that end.  Dunno, figuring things out.  Either I am just goofing, was ignorant, must also include my disability and inability to sometimes do things over the long term, some or all of those in combination, some math, a bit of science, and figuring out various truths.  I never know, for sure... what is just me and what is beyond my control.  If I can't keep up the daily policing, cheaper is better.  If I can, expensive wins even economically in the long run.  We will see.  All this for... cat litter?  Hey, I never said I was... a simple guy.  I also have outright declared I can be a fool.  Take your pick.  I'll just... do what I do, as I can, with what I have.

Is the turtle a fool?  The hare?  Or... are they just what they are and exactly what they are supposed to be?  Riddle me this.

Back to gaming.  Have a great day.

Old dogs, new tricks?

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While not optimal, on my second or third try after writing the last post?  Done.  I beat Tiamat.  While it wasn't flawless, and it hurt like pulling teeth in some ways, done is done is over... until the next time or worse, the next levels of difficulty.  Meh...  I am well on my way to the next target.  Having actually gained access to a means of backtracking already, I went back and picked up what I could.  Some areas remain off limits to me, others I had missed I found, and a few were open to me now that I have a ranged weapon.  Hmm, I probably shouldn't push it when I am this tired, I got seriously lost and messed up in one area.  While it is a bit of a complex area, I simply forgot where I had entered.  I was combining, in memory, my first play through and my return.  The two have different way points, with a new means of travel allowing for a different way out.  Never mind, problem solved.  I did look at forums, but they... were more confusing that not.  I just did it myself.

Not bad for an old dog.  I am just... collecting a few things while I wind down for the night.  I am not sure if old dogs can learn new tricks or if it is more like old dogs can continue to do tricks they learned when younger?  I'm just not sure which is truer, if both are, or if only one applies.  Perhaps none of those work.  Blasted thinking!

Good night, for sure.

Fighting Tiamat in Darksiders, just to show you.

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I must stop commenting!

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Most sites either want to beat a dead horse into meat paste, then discuss the bacteria which grow on it, they want comments that follow the tweet length and depth, or they just create a post and then the local natives develop a sort of communal word bunny hop leading to... nowhere?  I guess blogging has been reduced to faux academia, faux "Lord of the Flies", or just an extension of Tweeting.  I miss when people would sort of discussed things.  Just people, like who you would meet downtown at the coffee shop... if a little more selective.   Oh, I miss the point often enough.  I have major and minor gaffs galore.  I write when I am half asleep and can't figure out what I meant later on.  It happens.  But generally I think I am rather... typical.  I actually like to think of myself as a blue collar academic type.  Practical science meets bread and butter common sense, give or take.

Now, I do have strikes against me.  For a number of right and wrong reasons.  Anyone who has blogged, or even commented, for years knows that is the way the blogosphere works.  Some try to change their identity.  Which slays me.  I couldn't and wouldn't hide who I am for dollar or donut.  Good, bad, ugly... it's... just me.  But I am old in my ways, neither hip nor truly the better (or worse) form of academic, or just a fanboy.  I don't really have many places where I am all that welcome, to be honest.  A few places that tolerate.  Some places that even respond from time to time.

So, I have been writing tons of comments, as usual.  But now I click out rather than publish.  I still get to say what I think, it's just that it doesn't have to be any more than read by myself.  Which, is probably how it goes most of the time anyway.  The blogosphere is pretty much... for professionals (trained to be pretty liberal to get by in this 'new age'), government workers (go figure), academics, and students.  A few independent minds, which haven't been assumed by the hive mind yet, mostly.  Well, that is why the last elections have had Zero, McCain, and Romney as the candidates too.  I'll post as long as I live, at this point.  What else could I possibly put out that is any worse than anything I have posted?  But comments?  Yeah, I'll taper that back.  Some of you will get a nod, to let you know I'm still checking in.  But even then I need to keep it 128 alpha-numerics or less. 

I have gotten further in the area of the game.  I am not past the area.  I have simply gotten further along through it.  On the easiest setting it isn't quite as bad as what I was seeing.  Those battles must be on the hardest setting.  Very glad I restarted the game, setting gameplay to the lower setting near the beginning.  I don't know how many attacks it will take, once the beast is grounded.  And some of the game play I am facing isn't the same as the harder level so it is a bit confusing.  There is no way to tell how far along the battle is as the health of the opponent is not indicated in any way.  I may try to find a YouTube vid of the fight at my level of difficulty.  I just hate not having any kind of idea of how much damage needs to be delivered, maybe ideas on how the fight goes and what to look for, or how long the fight would, could, should take.  I've grounded the flying beast several times now, then fought it, attacking at least five or six times until finally losing.  Gah!  Still, not bad for about a half hour of play time.  Well, compared to two days... that commenter had been playing at my level of difficulty too.  I hope to get through it yet tonight, but I won't play more than a half hour at a time.  Too frustrating.

Later, probably good night.

Gah! I love the game, but...

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Every game has it's problems.  Some games are bad enough it would be like saying Zero has problems.  There isn't anything but problems.  Well, and the types of problems is a mitigating factor.  If the problem is the game is a bit too steep in difficulty, that is one thing.  But if the game is too steep, then too lean, plus the mechanics, controls, logic, and story all fail, then it's a tosser.  *cough*  007 Quantum of Solace  *cough*  The game I am playing is fine.  Difficulties, so far, have mostly been mastering new tools and techniques, being able to miss things fairly easily even with a good eye, experience finding the hidden, and taking the time to try to flesh things out.  So, that's not really a problem. 

I just hit the first set of snags in the game though.  On the good side I am told this is the worst of it.  First, a set of fights that took me a dozen tries, among the four arenas, on the easiest setting.  At least when you finally won a fight, that was a checkpoint, each arena area being it's own little test.  There simply isn't a good way, a solid technique, or any way to alter the fact that it ends up being a button mashing part of the game, dependent on luck, fast mashing, and just a bit of seeing things right as they are about to become a problem and getting out of the way. While you do improve, you don't know how you improve.  Less than half an hour later I hit the second snag.  This one took... two hours to best.  Over and over, a group of three fights, though this time you had to beat every fight to get to a checkpoint.  Failing meant restarting the whole series.  The final one, another half hour or so after the second snag, I'm into a whole new level of game stupidity.

The first one was a little ticklish.  But each fight was separate, so... you could push through.  The second one was downright frustrating.  This final one is absolute murder.  To start off, you have a flying foe, a dragon-bat-demon, of course.  Now, you need to use a weapon you just got (for first time players), your first ranged weapon so you are also learning multi-targeting, fire button, and some of the other mechanics.  This beast starts out spewing fireballs, while merrily flying around.  Your job is to snare inert explosive material (if the source is hit by a fireball before you snag the material you get a double attack (against you)), throw it at the beast so it sticks, then target a flame source then the bomb on the beast, then throw the weapon (did I mention the beast is flying around and bellowing fireballs at you?).  Okay, so when you do make all that happen, if you are still alive, you then have to sprint to the thing while it hits the ground, attack it a few times, then run away (it is more powerful than you, straight out, even on the ground without it's fireballs... it's merely supposed to be slower than you.  After that, and if you attack and get away, and are still alive, it then gets airborne again and comes at you with it's claws.  You can't see it easily, and must really work to even find it in the air (somewhere).  You then have to be running (on a rather small platform, so you don't have a lot of space), and then sprint to dodge right as it is about (not when it attacks) to attack.  Still with me, okay, you do that three times...  Then it gets ugly.  Now that is has been grounded, all you have to do is... use the buttons that pop up on-screen when it charges you, to halt it right before it runs you over and mauls you.  Once you do that, you attack and run away before it gets back on it's feet after being stunned (you... you did stun it, right?).  Now, you rinse and repeat this... MANY times.  I think the shortest fight with the beast I saw by someone who must have practiced beyond sanity or spliced, was about ten minutes.  On the other hand, most 'fail' videos, and my experience, can have the fight over in less than 30 seconds, being generous.  I dunno, it's a game.  I don't mind challenge, but this is simply drudgery.  Many have quit the game over this part.  Some have had it break their playing for weeks.  Others have taken two days just to beat it.  I dunno. I just hit it, took a break, so I don't know where I will fit in there.  Yeah, that's... not fun.

Tonight, something bothered me.  Some people asked after me.  I told them, other than not being able to do a great deal, that I felt fit as a fiddle.  Oh really, I was asked?  Yep.  Which is fine.  But after the third time, then fourth, and a parting time of asking if I really felt okay, and looking at me funny for feeling fine, I...  I don't like the implications.  Troubling.  I may have to... switch some things up.

Oh, my weight has come down again.  I am at 257.  That is the lowest weight I have gradually reduced too since I first became ill.  There might be a few times where extreme inability brought my weight down fast to that level, but never have I slowly reduced my weight like this.  Like I said I am eating my way to weight loss.  I may be changing what and how I do things to that end, but...  It is good to be down that much.  Seven more pounds and I will be at my goal, though I am not really... dieting either, so who knows what a final number might really be. 

Hmm, back to the dungeon.  Literally!  Heh!  Later.

Noice!

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Yeah, okay, I didn't get to bed until... 4:30 or something thereabouts.  I turned the alarm clock off on my way in.  No way was I going to disturb my sleep in an hour and a half!  I didn't want to reset it either.  I simply didn't know what would happen to my sleep.  At 9:00 I woke laughing about something.  Oh, right, Sassy was using her whiskers to wake poppo.  Right in the face.  Oh heavens does that tickle sometimes.  I am not usually ticklish, unfortunately, but the girls are masters at the art.  I thought to just herd the girls out, after I chuckled a bit, then go back to bed.  But as I got up?  I... felt good.  So, I got up earlier today than on the days I went to bed at 21:00 or 22:00, even 20:00!  A good game, indeed, is worth it's weight in gold.  Yeah, it's... a trick.  But when you are broken, tricks... make you feel better.

The game is going along well.  Yeah, I keep missing things.  I get involved in the play and forget to check each new area for things I "should" pick up.  And while I get many things, natively curious as I am, there is always something(s) that just get missed.  No worries.  The first play through and all that.  Especially on a fun game.  I don't want to ruin this game by knowing ahead of time what I need or want to do.  I will simply learn.  There are a few things I absolutely will get, 10 things to be exact.  But to get them I need something later in the game, then I need to get much closer to the end of the game so that I may return to the old parts of the game.  Or... something... or so it seems.  I'll... figure it out, mostly on my own.  This will be worth playing through a number of times anyway, like I said.

My hope though, too, since I am sort of pulled from sleep, is to get in a shower through the day, and make it to the stores tonight.  Late afternoon, evening, or even past midnight, I don't care.  I need some items.  My freezer is bare, meaning no meats for now.  I really need to figure out canning.  My mother suggested that I not buy canning items, as she has that and if she moves in she will bring that.  The problem is... I need to get going on some of that stuff now.  The prices have become insane, even for hamburger.  I can't wait too much longer, for when meat is out of my economic reach.  Now, now, now, yesterday type NOW.  I am running through sand and two feet of water with one leg in a cast.  But it's what I have.  Ugh! 

Oh, the item I purchased, the food strainer?  Both my neighbor (who said it was one of the top two) and my mother knew the device and... approved.  A rare thing, a good thing.  You know when the more... standard folk who aren't into the hype of prepping and such... approve of an item that... you did good.  She further approved because she doesn't have such a device.  She does what any good farm girl had to do... she improvises.  And she improvises better than I use my better tools.  Heh.  Women...  gotta love em'... until you need to hide from them.  :p

Good day.

To the lame a good game is worth it's weight in gold.

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Thankfully games aren't quite that expensive.  Being that good games are rare, and in particular good games I like, can get into, and which have mechanics that simply work?  One in ten or less, just in my typical genre.  So finding one outside of my typical play-style is... wonderful.  It is 23:11 and I am still awake.  I really should shut down for the night.  But anyone who has ever had an addiction, especially with no reason not to entertain it, knows that going to bed will not happen for some number of hours.

I started out in the hardest mode.  While that worked for a bit it doesn't stand up throughout the game.  So, I backtracked and started at the easiest mode.  After that brief introduction into absolute chaos, the game is moving along much more smoothly.  I decided to try to get trophies on this lesser level of play, and to that end cast about for guides.  I did find a decent guide to trophies (most of which are simply gained through gameplay, and can't really be missed).  I also found some things I had already passed in play, and wouldn't be able to get back to until much later when the relative value of the items was greatly reduced, so I restarted the game again.  While I don't like playing on someone else's schedules, it beats needing to play a game several times, especially since little but armor carries over into a new game.  But, that is the way it goes.  This game might be fun enough to play through several times though.  Once the trophies are tended, all that remains is the good stuff.  Hack, slash, rinse, repeat.  Oh, and wonderfully, this game has no online component.  Wonderful!  I HATE online components, especially when they are needed for trophies, more so to get the overall trophy.  So... European... like soccer, socialism, social status placement according to parents, and such.  Bleh.

This game might even get me out of bed earlier.  While a good game can reduce my sleep periods, it does little to enhance my activity otherwise.  That is just the way of it.  At least I am keeping up on brushing my teeth.  I am keeping the cat litter policed.  On top of keeping the girls fed, watered, and attended.  They love their attention sessions.  Two new daily daily activities, one of them requiring two actions per day.  Yes, small.  But that is what I have.  Once I get my home cleaned up again there is the hope that I can figure out a simpler way to live, one that doesn't cause quite as much fuss as the way I have been trying to live to this point.  As I said, paper plates and plastic pretty much disposable (if reusable to a point) "silverware".  Even bowls have been purchased which can be reused or become instant fodder.  Cooking will still requiring cleaning, but that is rather minor.  I only have just so many pots and pans, if I have more than some smaller commercial kitchens.  About half of my pots and pans are specialized, so I won't end up with all of them in need of cleaning at once.  How often do you need a domed brazier?  :p

Well, on to a bit more (?) gaming.  Oh, and I did find, in-game, where the combat combos are listed.  You can even buy or possibly otherwise earn others.  All good.  Good night.

Gaming.

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Yes, I got to the game, faster than I thought I would.  Simply, there is little else for me to do and it was that or a nap.  If it were the afternoon, and if my sleep was under control, a nap is always a reasonable proposition, legal in most states and municipalities.  A few hours after waking, and already sleeping 12 to 14 hours a day?  Yeah, no, so gaming it was.  Darksiders was slid into the machine and?  No problems.  I adjusted a few things.  Some people salt their food before tasting it, I advance the sensitivity for aiming.  I am not sure if that is right for this game yet, but...  And, no, I did not bother reading the "instructions", looking online, or doing anything but simply playing.  I also started on the hardest settings for the game if I may be backing that off.

So far so good.  I have run into monsters, demons in this case, that...  Well, I've made it through several of them and a good hour or two of game play against other things, but have come to the end of the road.  So, I am looking online to try to figure some things out.  This isn't exactly my sort of game, per se.  If I had known it would be a 'brawler', not a first-person-shooter, I might not have purchased the game.  Still, I think I like it enough that I am pleased with the deal.  What I need to figure out, since I generally abhor and avoid brawlers, is... how to make combos, combination attacks, changing weapons on the fly, and using powers.  While it is cool to do all that, to a complete novice in the genre it is a bit of a tech-shock.  Now, the truth is, I AM doing combos, all the time.  What I lack is knowing which combos are the most potent, how to use them rather than just mash buttons, and such.  It is a totally different game style.  So far most of what I have found discusses either information that is absolutely unrelated to gameplay or nerds talking about how awesome it is to do what they do what they show while not discussing how to do so, or even really what they are doing.  Awesome!  Nerds...  Hey, God bless em'.  But they are annoying when looking for how to do what... I'm not even sure they know what they are doing.  Just set it up and... mash!  Awesome!  Gah!

A little sore from all that sleep, or sleeping at a bad angle for some period of time.  Shoulders, upper arms, just ache.  I probably rolled wrongly when dealing with the clock, then getting back into bed.  You don't have to sleep long in a bad position to really irritate the body.  Then again, some parts of my mind don't mind a little pain.  It gives me something to resist during the day, to try to flex out or otherwise figure out how to mitigate.  A corporeal game?  Heh.  Yep, if it isn't too severe. 

Have a good one.

Not cool, not cool at all.

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Yesterday was okay, as I noted.  Bits going on, if mostly just staying awake is a trick.  I ended up in bed at 20:00.  This morning, with the alarm set at 6:00, after resetting it some unknown number of times, sleeping through it for long periods, and even then having to force the issue, I was not out of bed until sometime shortly after 10:00.  But why?  I was a good boy.  I went to bed early.  I'm doing everything right that I can.  Sometimes, when you are this sick, it is... just because.  Oh, I am sure they have a chance at finding a specific biological reason.  But the underlying issue(s) mean there is nothing that can be done to fix it.  Knowing never makes accepting easy.  Faith has not fixed the problem, so it is used to console me from the frustration.

On the good side, Amazon was on target.  One of my devices, the music, and the games are all here.  I don't actually have a good means of playing music in my home yet.  So those will wait.  I am not quite up to trying to figure out how to play a game yet either.  While it seems easy, you just put it in and hit buttons until logic and game action help you figure things out.  No, I don't read the manuals.  I told you, reading is... next to useless quite often.  Hmm, maybe I really shouldn't comment at people's sites?  Later.  I am just not awake or fit enough to figure out a game.

Oh, what did I buy?  Metal Gear Solid hd collection, Bioshock 2 (I think I played the first one on PC a lllooonnnggg time ago), Skyrim, and Darksiders I & II.  That should be enough gaming for a very long time, the way I play and since I like to look into every part of a game, assuming there are things to do or see.  All will have their flaws.  Knowing what they are in advance helps a bit, if it will always be somewhat annoying.  Flaws are sometimes poor programming and can ruin a game, such as being unable to finish a major epic piece on the highest difficulty.  But often they can be seen as shortcuts programmers must make to try to put the world into a digital experience.  Some do it better, some should quit, though often the worst of them were put on an impossible schedule and the game was just meant as a quick buck.  Darksiders I will probably be the first to be played.

Some news. Some days.

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First the news, or bits of it.  It seems Democrats didn't just get the ships wrong.  While displaying a panel behind some traitorous general who spoke to the majority Godless, they also added Turkish planes instead of US planes.  A mistake?  Really?  Believe as you wish.  An EU lawyer found out about free speech in Europe.  Oh, right, there isn't any.  That'll teach him.  There is an article about a Dem candidate, in Illinois I think.  A Democrat doctor who was fired for supporting doctor-assisted suicide while working at a Catholic hospital or some such, is running for election.  He wasn't fired for two years, after his editorial, so... then again the Church is beginning to consider defending the lines in the sand again.  But... that's not really a story.  He is a Democrat, and I hate to say it, but I am beginning to wonder... he is a doctor.  Oh, and OWS (Occupy Wall Street) has decided to send their operatives, dressed in business attire, to infiltrate a bunch of big businesses.  Yeah, that can only turn out good.  Just some things catching my eye. 

There is the thing going on between China, Japan, and China putting it's nose into what isn't it's.  While the muslims are at it those sneaky reds are checking the  back door.  Of course Mr. Lead-from-behind isn't exactly on post, so I'm not sure they need to worry.  This last isn't really a story, for it's own or news sake, more... an example. The way some people and blogs spend endless hours discussing the topics, dicing things into fine detail, listening to the red over there, the dottering idiot here, the partisans there, all within a narrow reach of other seemingly and as impossible as that is, this "detective" story reminds me of what I see. Well, and why I am decidedly not included. By the way, if you saw the incident, please report to the police who are still trying to... figure it out? Grhrhrhrhahahaha!(tm)

Not much happened today.  I have been able to stay awake.  I did get the garbage bin back in it's place.  As I was heading out to check the garbage truck showed up.  A quick wave back and forth, he did his work, and I then retrieved the bin.  At least that was done.  I achieved the final achievement I can get without trying to find multi-player games for the Bond game, so I put it away.  That is one game I will never play again.  Some days the girls really like me, some days I am dog poodoo or something.  I never can tell with them.  Today I was not so favored.  All good.  The reverse is also true.  If I want attention all I need do is say "HUNGRY?".  Treats or food had best follow or pouting and tantrums commence...  which... yeah...  I can be a cruel man. Once in a while, if they have pushed too hard, all they get is big fat tease.

Airing out the home won't do.  I am going to have to figure out how to clear the rooms and do some serious carpet cleaning.  It simply has to happen.  If it was just bad air it would be gone by now.  But... how am I going to get to this in my condition?  I dunno.  Gotta happen or I am stuck here.  Is that how shut-ins are born?  No, seriously.  Yeah, it worries me.  It isn't even that much work.  A woman could clear the rooms in a day, save for the heavy stuff.  And if a she would organize and decide where she wants it, I could move the big stuff in an hour, maybe two.  I could even help clear the rooms initially, of the little stuff, if I knew what the heck I was doing and had a minor whip to help keep me on track.  A patient whip, to be sure.  Nope, this one is mine, if I can figure it all out, then get to it, then keep on it.  Yikes!

Have a good evening.  And, probably, good night.  No, not going to bed really soon.  I am simply probably through blogging.

Women are... well... women. And cats.

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Oh, you get real news elsewhere.  As do I.  And you believe what you believe about it, and doubt and all the rest on your own.  Sure, sometimes I stumble into something and leave my mark on it.  But this next is probably something you haven't seen, and wouldn't have seen.  Who but women watch the show it was broadcast on?  And, yeah, it's meant as fluff, the stuff by which women often can have their vote swayed, so mostly I stay away from it.  However, it proves some other points I have in my bag of beliefs.  That is what the title is about.

In this article, about a show I won't mention for... many reasons, is a breakdown of some of the dialogue.  Even the wives of the rich and powerful are just what all women are.  Somewhere between curious and nosy, sometimes a bit odd, and always with little... habits that annoy men in some way or another.  For example, the thing about the toothpaste?  Yeah, I squeeze from the middle, until it gets down, then begin getting the last bits by squeezing the end and rolling.  But leaving the cap off?  I dunno.  And, yeah, it's a small thing, something I would no more than remark upon a few times during a lifelong marriage (if women take that as harping, too).  Women can say something a thousand times a week and it's not harping, but if you say something twice a decade?  Harping!  Trust me, every single woman I have known was like that.  Anyway, all women do little things that annoy.  But... don't give up on them for that, just... learn to... grin, even chuckle.  It's more fun to, and they still know what you mean.  *grins*  But what she does with her curiosity, along with the bravery of two women combined (Lord, have mercy) is absolutely tickling my funny bone.  I don't know the woman, or her friend.  And I am not (I said I am not, Anne) passing judgement.  I am just... adding it as proof to my female conspiracy and behavior portfolio.

For all that is and has happened the news cycle has certainly slowed down.  Prophets of doom are holding their (our?) breath, partisans have volleyed and are now entrenching rather than attempting to advance, all other news has been forgotten as if nothing else newsworthy is going on.  I think many are saving space for "what next".  The stream has dried up I guess.  Bah, what's an ogre to put together his doom mechanics with without tools, ammo, fodder, and sich?  Double bah!  *bam-bam*  Baby wants more toys!  Well, actually, often, I really don't.  A bit of quiet is actually nice, when it is right.  It is just that... this isn't quiet, this is the quiet before the storm, the true horror, the real SHTF.  A shadow is passing over the world.  Never worry, there are a few things that bring some cheer even in the gloom of possibilities.  Don't tread on me, "bro".

Some days you win, some days you lose.

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Some days, like today, you split the difference and, I think, come out smelling like a rose.  Well, okay, an ogre rose.  And, no, a rose is not a rose is not a rose.  Trust me.  I was up until almost 22:30 last night.  Subjectively, that is good as that is the latest I have been able to stay up.  Objectively I didn't wake until 9:00 or so yesterday, so my day wasn't longer, just adjusted.  But that isn't the thing.  I had hoped to wake at 6:00 this morning.  Nope.  Oddly, I woke at 5:30 to void, feeling pretty good and sure I would wake at 6:00, I wanted that last half hour of sleep.  Nope.  I didn't wake until 8:00, the alarm still bleating.  At first I couldn't get traction.  By 8:30 I had enough mojo to get the trash together and out, then took that first group to the curb.  But needing to change cat litter I wanted to hurry and get that done.  Which I did, and it is out in the bin at the curb.  Fine.  I am all but sure I beat the garbage truck.  But, I wasn't awake by 6:00, or even on task for another two and a half hours.  All good.

I'm not sure what to do today.  Dishes still languish.  There aren't that many, either.  Just standing is a chore right now, and has been for a while.  As I said, just taking a shower has been a test, and for most of this summer, even when I got ac in.  That comes and goes in my life.  It is odd, now, to look back on my life with the new medical information and begin to make sense of things.  Some of it will never make sense, corrupted and missing memory, the odd reasoning of other people, heck even my doctors knew what my real medical problem was with a high percentage of probability and simply didn't tell me... long ago.  At least 12 to 15 years ago, and I am guessing minimally though very possibly the first doctors to review my case knew.  It is just that what doctors did for bad hearts back in the day, possibly, they guessed, was worse than what the disease would do?  Did they even stop to consider the problems with giving a heart patient a psychiatric diagnosis?  The social costs?  Still, it worked out, but it could have been a bit more smooth.  I will never know, for certain.  But just in my life, things that happened or didn't, what I did and couldn't, some things make perfect sense now.

The cats have been fed.  Sam was unceremoniously put outside for trying to gag herself into a vomit to get me to feed them.  Sassy might be annoying when she isn't fed, Sam just does passive aggressive things that absolutely annoy me.  Still, she just wants to go outside anyway, so... win-win for her.  Plus she knows even if I tell her I won't feed her every time I pass her outside dealing with trash that, when I am finished with trash... brunch on the patio.  Brat.  Sassy doesn't like this particular food all that well.  Same brand, different texture or flavor than her favorites I suppose.  So, she eats a bit, then storms around the house until she realizes I have her on ignore, then goes back and eats a bit more, then does it all over again.  An hour after she is out?  She begs for more.  Hehe.  Must be nice to be a cat... or a woman... in some ways.  Hey, just... saying...

Well, I should... get to something.  Even if something is more of nothing.  Good day.

Definitely bedtime.

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While I stayed up late, again, tonight, I am hoping to wake earlier in the morning.  I will, again, set the alarm for 6:00.  Sure, it makes trodding through the day a bit dry.  I am simply hoping to reduce my sleeping time.  Just a little of a struggle.  Oh, I know.  Pushing like this can break things.  I risk losing my day schedule.  Yet I cannot help but want to try to... gain some control, dial back the sleep, have more day available.  If for no other reason than, as with gun ownership, because I want to.  There are other reasons for both, but... that should be enough.

I have chosen my next set of purchases from Amazon.  Oh, the purchase is some time off.  And they are books that I may never end up even reading, though the hope is there.  While looking over speakers for a non-existent if espied and noted stereo receiver, a couple of books came up that I have been considering almost since buying my home.  The NEC 2011, Electrical Wiring Residential, and an additional book that looks promising the Ugly's Electrical Reference 2011.  *cough* Outlaw receiver, by the way *cough*  As I said, there is a chance I will never read these books.  But in the off hand I am able to get a techy bug up my bum, I might actually make it through these books, or parts of them.  I have some serious concerns about my home, plus an interest in correcting and enhancing a few things, yet can't probably afford the work that really should be done.  So...  Yes, I have all the time in the world.  I simply don't have much more.  In a few months, if money is looking good, I may simply hold my financial nose again, add them to my basket, and let the chips fall where they may.  They aren't bad to have around though, in any case.  For now.

Today has been a bit rough.  I did get a shower taken, my teeth have been being cleaned, I am airing out the place, cats have been fed and their litter cleaned, but that is it.  Just getting into the shower and doing my standard double hair wash and rinse, double body wash, then hair conditioning and it about took the wind out of my sails.  I almost couldn't do it.  That weakness just comes and goes.  At least when adrenaline gets jacked it is almost like I am 20 again.  Yeah, believe it.  Don't hit me in the head and think you'll be able to sprint away.  Don't test that.  Spring steel in here, just... waiting.  The thing is that is useless for daily daily, unless my dishes start shooting at me or something.  *grins*  I have been having a bit of a fever, a little bit of physical rather than psychic dissociation today, like when in pain.  I have no pain, so... I am just not sure what is going on.  I may take a handful of aspirin on my way to the sack, just in case I simply can't feel consciously what my body is sensing and "treating".

I need to be up, too.  I've sort of set myself up.  I want the trash out tomorrow, and that means I need to be up before it comes.  Actually, with the late bedtime and the need for an early rise, I have set myself up two-fold.  Ruh-rho!  Usually it arrives later, but you just can't be sure.  So... Up and at it is the thing going into my mind as I lay to sleep.  Up, at 6:00, go, go, go!

Good night.

I am not the best debater.

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No, and I don't feel the need.  I am not, unlike many, dependent upon what others think therefore I do not need to debate you to the point where you agree with me.  I will state my reasons for or against something, listen to your thoughts, and pretty much go on my way.  I might, if something seems interesting or preposterous, try to learn more about what you said.  But you won't change my mind in a hurry, probably not at all, unless you have the smoking gun, fingerprints, dna, and some witnesses that are credible.

As for organics?  Like I said, do it at home.  And, sure, can for the winter, which assumes a great deal, including a large enough garden, the knowledge of how to garden in the first place, enough time to work that garden, the time and equipment needed for serious canning projects to go along with the time to properly harvest, and if organic the time and knowledge regarding saving seed plus the specialized manner of gardening knowledge base for "organics" as well.  That isn't possible for most people in most places.  I doubt if 30% of Americans have that kind of wherewithal.  I am certainly left out of that equation.

Still, I was far better than my lady friend at debating.  Her tantrums had less to do with me or my beliefs, though, I think, than her need to feel free to express rage safely (with me she was, I sort of got a kick out of it... privately while she was in it mind you).  Like I said, I just closed my door (with her on the other side) and got to gaming.  She also was doing a man's job, and as a feminist but somehow trying to be honest too, realized she shouldn't have had that job.  It absolutely clobbered her on top of that, physically.  She went to a more female oriented job but found it unappealing, within her store, so returned to work she shouldn't have been doing.  She tried going into a managerial position but realized that leading without being able to do the work was even more hollow.  She simply couldn't face that she was, well, female.  Even when she saw a 62 year old man, much older than her at the time, doing the work as a second job, beating her like she was standing still at the work, she just wouldn't surrender  Stuck.  Well, and she rarely slept enough.  All those things caused baby to cry, finding whatever she could to point at as the problem.  She was my only gal-pal who was ever like that so I am pretty sure it wasn't me.

It was a long and messy night?

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Something along those lines.  I didn't make it to bed until 21:30.  That is the latest I have stayed awake since my day schedule started, if that was not long ago.  I again set my alarm for 6:00.  Not until a bit after 9:00 could I get out of bed.  I reset the alarm each hour, hoping something would shift to favor waking.  I dreamed, half dreamed, half woke, and slept.  Last night seemed more like being in a drying machine than a bed.  And I came out wrinkled!

It has simply been a rough week.  The weather change is simply getting to me.  My arms, in spite of having lost weight, somehow seem 20 pounds heavier.  Even my eyelids have gained a good five pounds per.  I am driving through the days, it is a push to simply maintain consciousness.  Now, I am not actually having to work at staying awake, I am having to not work.  Basically to stay awake, I realize, I have had to cut all non-essential for life actions.  While that might not seem like much of a contrast, and in 'normal terms' it isn't, it does limit me as I see things quite a bit.  Conservation of brain and muscle power is the ticket.  I am hoping, when new games arrive, that I can find something interesting in there to bolster synaptic firing, which might lead to more function.  But it looks like the shop is nearly closed for the season?

Never worry.  I remembered, if a bit late, about the day lamp.  I don't have it arranged yet, but it is on my mind.  I can't quite quit trying to square the circle of my life, if there isn't a formula for it quite so keen as there is for the geometric and calculus derived forms... if those are still unnervingly odd.  I am writing the book, making the formula, testing this and that.  I remember when people wondered why sharks bite everything and having it explained that... biting is the only method sharks have by which to explore their world.  I somehow think there is a parallel if I can't quite... put my thumb on it... in my attempts at a bit more life.  Having a home, having food coming in, and if I could more steadily get back on medicine, I am and possibly could do even a bit better.  I know what I am doing is better than ever before.  I don't lose months worth of conscious memory, if I still sit quite idle.  I don't feast and fast as a way of life.  And I am beginning to conquer my environment, one little problem at a time.  I am evening storing foods, equipment, and non-edible consumables for short, mid, and longer term use, just in case.

It just isn't as bad as it has been.  Well, and now I know what the real problem is.  That gives me some chance at resisting in a logical scientific manner.  I have some things under consideration that way, such as supplements, hopefully to go with medicines if I can get that working again.  But I will probably never even reach the tipping point where I can have some modicum of a typical sleep pattern, let alone a regular static barebone set of chores per day.  I don't know how much heart function that would take, 50%, 70%.  But at 20-30%... life just can't scale to that.  This I know, cross my heart.  But I can do better or worse, and I choose better.  Every time.

Have a great Sunday, and if you are a regular, enjoy a bit of Church for me would ya?  I miss the 'joint'.  *smile*  Oh hush, God knows I'm not being (too) informal.  I know because He is always pleased to see me when I can visit.