Much better.

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Insulin is helping.  My guess is that cutting medicine would also help.  Right now, all I can dare, is to add insulin.  What I will be exploring, in the future, is which will work faster at allowing function to return the quickest.  When you can't even feed yourself well, theoretical medical longevity takes the furthest back seat on the bus.  So, my job, should I accept it, which I do, is to figure out how to live as normal of a life, as easily as possible, with the medicines on hand.  From what I have seen, and what I suspect from that, there will be times when one or the other will work the fastest.  Beyond that is potential side effects.  Medical algebra, perhaps.  Maybe even calculus if I can keep on top of it.

I realized that if I removed the toilet, I will need a new wax ring.  I have one for the other toilet, which hasn't been installed.  Now, I like these rings.  They work very well.  So I will keep the box, and replace it, the next time I am in town.  Actually I will buy two.  It is good to have an extra one for any incidental usage.  I might even buy three.  I found the extra, and took it to the bathroom.

I am extremely thirsty, lately.  I rarely drink water, but when actually thirsty, the stuff is vital.  I would guess, on top of my normal coffee intake, I have been drinking a gallon and a half of water.  From zero to a gallon and a half is a huge jump.  Something is causing a problem.  Drinking, along with insulin, is helping.  I am really feeling pretty good.  It's been up and down, so I am not sure what to expect tomorrow and so on.  I will simply take what I can get and use it if I can.

Later.

Well.

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It's been a frustrating little life lately.  Pain isn't a part of the solution set, for good or ill.  Sleep has been extremely erratic.  I missed a day of medication.  I was trying to figure out how, when I realized that I had slept most of one of the recent days.  I was up to take one, night, set of medication.  Then I woke a few times, but slept most of that day.  I can't take medication if I am not awake it seems.  Tracking days is extremely difficult when I have two to three of them, in some ways, and yet none at all in another way.  I can only do what I can do.  Insulin is restarted, at a minimal dose.  I wish I could cut my heart medicine.  Actually, if I get things straightened out a bit, and keep on track for a while, if my diabetes remains unmanageable, I may... tinker.  For shorter or longer terms, trying to see if I can manage diabetes that way.  Half dose is what my new friend indicated as to how he handles the faux-diabetes.  I didn't really care, until I hit this.  Insulin hadn't been a problem before.  It just about killed me, or did, for a bit, or off and on.  Yeah...  I am rethinking that medicine.  Especially since I am all but sure the problem is organ failure due to heart medicine, and not a problem with blood sugar or dealing with that, as a disease of and by itself.

I did tinker with the wood at the base of the bathroom wall.  The problem is that the stool is too close to the wall to remove that.  It looks like I will have to drain, and then remove, the toilet, just to remove the wood.  On the good side this means I won't need to tinker to try and calk around behind the toilet.  I will merely trace the toilet with a woodworkers thicker pencil before removal, then calk inside that line enough that I can just set the toilet back on top.  Even if it doesn't go as fast as I would like, I have learned how to make and use an impromptu lou.  Not a problem.  Although the goal is to drain, remove, calk a double line just in case, then reinstall, all in one swift move.  I might be able to do it, if everything works as planned.

Not much else going on.  Tired, sleep is restful, I am simply needing a lot of it.  While I am awake, and can remain so, I do well.  I just haven't been able to do much.  The goal is to get medicine back on track, do what chores and tasks I can, rest and sleep as needed, and go from there.  Later.

Iraq.

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The typical anti-war crowds are banging the drums of surrender.  Democrats, as a general rule, are isolationist and anti-American.  Basically, if a policy would actually support U.S. interests, allies, practical or realistic solutions to naked aggression, they are against it.  They honestly don't care if every Christian in the Middle East were to be butchered, and we could have done something about it.  Or Jews.  Actually, I do believe they literally support such things.  Libertarians, as a rule, could care less about Christians.  As a rule, they don't consider themselves Christians, more like humanists of the milquetoast variety.  And they seem quite antagonist against Jews, so there is that.  Dems might support humanitarian aid to the losing side among some of our enemies.  Libertarians are almost as bad.

Libertarians couch it as an economic thing, which is bogus.  No, true, the US is broke and beyond.  As am I.  And yet, if I saw a man being beaten on the side of the road, and could reasonable expect to be able to intervene, I would.  I wouldn't try to suggest that I couldn't afford the gasoline for a stop, and restart, of my engine.  A risk, sure.  Though I don't think Libertarians care about risk, save for their own elitist status.  I am beginning to believe that much of the Libertarian movement is split between supporting chaos as with Democrats, saving nickles while not caring about dimes, quarters, and hundred dollar bills being spent on much more foolish things, and tongue in cheek anti-Americanism based on the European model, and typical elitist pacifism.  Plus, as a group that has no real power, talk is cheap.  I do believe they would do some of what they suggest, just not half as much as they promise, or less.

I supported attacking Iraq, and removing Saddam.  If I had had my way, after that, we would have planted a number of bases there, then left the rest to the people.  Pressure would have been put on Syria, next.  Help would have been available, to Iraq, for rent.  Further, Kurdistan would have been supported, probably to several conflagrations.  A new country would have been born, essentially an Arab Israel.  We wouldn't be in this mess, though we would eventually have been in messes.  There isn't a way to avoid that.  The thing is to look far enough ahead to see what is most likely, and loose diplomats to soften the blows.  None of which is, or has, been done.  As is, we are being superseded by Germany and another country, who are arming the Kurds.  We are having tiny, weak, nations go in while our president vacations.  Hell, the secular Pope and perhaps even the Dalai Lama are doing more saber rattling regarding isis.  And, yes, all of that adds up to very bad press for Dems and Libertarians.  Scandalous, unscrupulous, and scurrilous.  But whatever works to their ends.

If we were a powerless people, not just wishing to be, that would be one thing.  Power comes, and goes, as does wealth.  It doesn't matter what you have, but what you do with what you have.  This government, and some political movements, aren't using, but abusing, what they have.  Advocating surrender.  And while force isn't a thing that should be used for greed, or furtherance of power, once it is obtained, simply letting it go is almost as bad as not using it rightly.  It isn't an honor, power, wealth.  Those are gifts given for doing certain things, and there is an expectation with the gift.  So I expect that to be used rightly.  Yeah, I am a bit grumpy about it all. 

No, young'n.

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I can tell when there is a suspicion that I have had a sip, or more.  I couldn't, even if I wanted.  After that last attempt, I realized this was the wrong sickness for that medicine.  Very wrong, contraindicated harshly, actually.  While the flesh isn't in that place, perhaps the mind or spirit are, however.  When all are in alignment, then you get posts as was just offered, only... a bit more strongly.  Actually, the music was from a number of failed attempts to... dance with my angst.  Each was wrong, or supports could not be found, or I could not see.  Then, while... tinkering in my mind...  I saw it, or it saw me.  And, there you go.

I can't even play video games.  It's too much.  How I was able to clean the bathroom I don't know.  The chore possessed me.  It's not like it's a huge chore.  It is simply that I am barely functioning.  No pain, currently, and not truly exhausted as I have mentioned.  Simply there isn't any energy to focus or do.  With the bathroom clean, I am actually hoping to take off the kickplate, or whatever the strip of wood at the base of walls is called, then seal the base of the toilet.  I don't know if I can get that done, but...

As I said, not a sip.  I literally can't handle that.  It would rip me up.  When I go to bed next, I will take insulin for the first time in a while.  I am hoping my body is ready for it again.  I am not sure I trust the stuff, or the doctors.  But it seems to work, better or worse, at times.  The fellow that I discuss these things with, who has similar problems, actually cuts his heart medicine when his diabetes act up, and that does work.  As I suspected, and now with someone else with similar problems in support, I am certain that I don't have diabetes.  It is simply the medication, and the heart problem itself.  It isn't even food dependent, mostly.  Save when I am on the harsh fringe of it, as I am currently.  Even then, just avoiding pure sugars, such as alcohol.  And actually not even that, as soda is fine.  It is carbs that turn into sugars that seem to be a massive problem.  Yes, I... tinker.  I want to know, for my playbook.  Especially since alcohol has definite medicinal purposes in that playbook from time to time.  Beats psychotropics if it can be kept in check, and it is.

Later.

Falling into ascension.

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Just some musical thoughts as... things stay the same through change.  *Cheshire Cat grin*

Ups and downs.

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As soon as I think things are all on the up and up, I hit a snag.  Sometimes it seems like failure, even possibly death, are on the way.  Then everything clears at a seeming record pace.  Back and forth it goes.  For the most part, pain isn't keeping me down.  Exhaustion isn't quite it either.  Rather than being behind with energy, into negative territory, I simply don't have any.  There are three stages with energy levels.  Negative energy, also known as exhaustion.  It doesn't seem possible that someone could have negative energy.  Some think of the situation as if it was a gas tank, not a process.  While they are correct, a gas tank cannot have less than no gas, the whole system of feeding fuel to the engine, when viewing it systemically by looking at the engine dying and the tank being empty, with the fuel line and perhaps a reserve, and some slop in the system, the tank can be empty but the engine not be dead.  That, mechanically, is an explanation for exhaustion, perhaps.  Another example might be using, through some system, an improbable, for a human unhealthy, fuel system or source because living has gone beyond one's capacity regarding staying awake, taking care of needs, and such.  Coffee, for example.  Without it I will sleep twelve hours a day when doing well, three days a wake when doing poorly, and sleeping most of the time when I hit bottom.  I've tried it.

In any case, earlier today I hurt.  My energy was at about zero but I didn't hedge into exhaustion.  My ankles hurt to flex, even for walking.  My knees and wrists hurt in the same way.  My head felt as if it had been bruised, as did my wrist and calf muscles.  What that was about I simply don't know.  Dead in the water with minor pains.  Oh, and I had some internal pains, but it was organ pain.  I don't get gassy often, and pass gas even less often.  My system is used to going without food, so it doesn't waste processing to create gas, as a general rule.  I have been eating, daily and perhaps twice a day, lately.  That might be it, or what I was eating.  I wasn't sure until, well... proof is in the pudding.  It did turn out to be just what I thought is enough said.  Further, I have been needing a lot of sleep.  Napping, then waking for a bit, then sleeping, then up, then napping.  Most of the last two days have been spent sleeping.

I don't have a means of fighting back.  But the pain seems to have lifted, this evening.  I just don't know what is going on.  Medicines have been being taken, save insulin.  Though I think I will start that up before going to bed the next time I do so.  Intellectually, it feels like I am in the drying machine, but on fluff, with lots of soft stuff in there.  I just can't seem, mostly, to find a landing spot or coordinate my life.  Mostly painlessly, and the pains, other than over the weekend, have been mild to non-existent.  The aches from earlier were a short term, and rather mild form, of body hurt.  Ugh.

I have much that I want to do.  I can see the chores, I just can't really get to them.  I cleaned the bathroom.  I have been feeding the girls, taking medicine, keeping up on their litter, eating, and blogging.  Dreaming some of the oddest dreams.  Quiet dreams.  Some drama, in there, some emotion, but all of it in muted shades, muted emotional responses save for the baby carriage, and muted sounds.  Those things exist, but softly.  It's an odd time.  I just can't seem to recover, fully.  Maybe the weather is being quirky, and that is getting to me.

Just... I don't know what is happening.  I can't track, or stay on track.  At least, for the most part, my life, itself, is somewhat muted.  Mostly.  I'll keep trying to figure it out and get back to work.  Later.

It must be a week for dreaming.

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Nothing, mostly, so personal as exploring a branch of possibilities, my own cynicism(s) even if they are true, in a, and the, secular aspects of the world, but not completely bereft of an exploration of some minor possibilities, possibly realities, and... well... just some of me, or the parts of these things I don't mind sharing.  You get, nearly, a free reign.  Only my priest, as my confessor, has the possibility of knowing more.  My first was spared burning ears.  The bulk blunted the individual details, in most cases, and because of the time spans involved.  How do you detail fifty to sixty lovers, and others unremembered in full?  How do you separate your own sin from modern expressions, and other guilts.  A secular sin, what I was when sinning the most, is seen differently, even by one's self, even after having come around to faith.  In one sense he had all of the time in the world to hear, in another, he really didn't.  Anyway...

In this dream I found myself traveling with a group of people.  Americans, mostly, with some Europeans.  I needed to travel in parts of Africa.  It wasn't the safest, nor the most dangerous, of places.  The distance was great, options were limited, and enough stops in hard untamed terrain were on the way so that a plane would not do, and no trains or even roads would get me to my required destinations.  My interactions weren't with larger governments, international bodies, or militaries, and yet it was important and honest work.  I requested, and was provisionally granted, group admittance.  My requirements were rather laid out as hippie types do... I needed, generally, merely support myself, add some of my efforts to the common good, and not become a common bane.  As I was vouched to them, if details were obscure, no other cost, price, or limit, was demanded.

I have seen these types, recently.  At Burning Man, they have a group of general peace-keepers they call rangers.  A decent sort, from the almost nil interaction with them that I have had.  I think more of them are military or police than even many of them know, if not generally from the mp pool if I were to guess.  Closer to the literal Army ranger pool, but on the cooled heel side of that.  Anyway, there was an air of that with this group.  It was coed, however.  But the women had been trained up, and the women who remained were the women who proved out.  It wasn't military but it wasn't civilian.  Defensive combat orientation, with an extreme least force principle applied, though with a serious capacity in small arms and minor tactics.  I can smell my own.  While they traveled at a pace well above what civilians can pack through, they did not run at a mil spec pace, certainly not spec-for.  Still, an interesting group.  Not completely unapproachable to one such as I. I can't swear I understood them fully, functionally.  That would take more time than my dream trip would allow.  But I... think from various experiences in life I had a decent working knowledge.

It started with a group of us around the evening fire, during a meal then a conversation convention, not too dissimilar with what happens around the office water bottle.  Because of my cool, slow, general approach, I was generally invited, allowed, not just tolerated.  I knew, so long as I didn't stir the mud into the water, so to speak, I would be included or ignored, whichever I wished.  And while I did speak, quietly, a few times, I generally listened.  As the fire faded, people moved on, going to sleep or to more private or intimate activities or discussions.  A few remained.  I intended to sleep in place, as some others did as well.  I was, slowly, approached by one woman.

She wasn't much to look at.  And when I say approached, I mean a snails pace closing of the distance, at least by perception if not by fact.  She ended up quite close.  And considering the dynamics of the crew, quite quickly.  I understood this.  The offer.  Rough, dusty, a little chunky, but sufferable, relatively and in this sort of camp style.  Assuming a man was a normal man, with normal needs, and a secular nature.  All of which could easily have been assumed, and mostly correct, at the time, save the first.  I got the feeling that she was the camp's third wheel.  My guess is, even at a snail's pace, she moved too fast.  Hunger, while one of the best spices, of one's own interest, can ruin the interest in making a meal.  It runs contrary, in personal interaction.  A woman who is too hungry in the company of people who are self-possessed, in the proper way, is shunned.  I merely played ignorant, and to a degree aloof.  You can't, completely, fool, alligators, or hungry women, however.  But you can baffle them just enough so they can't be sure why.  I did so.  I knew, if nothing else, that as the third wheel, inviting her in would lower my status in the group.  That wasn't the only reason to stay away, merely the political aspect.  I must have done my job correctly, for the group, or she, tested my resolve and nature later, by having one of the gay, or bi, men, make similar overtures, to similar results.  Deadness is what he received as well, on that part, and more than what she received.  Even if I wasn't disinterested in her for personal and social/political reasons, my tasks and person, were too into my mission to allow for distractions.

I traveled with this group, made a few contacts, and a few possible friendships.  Sometimes these things are the same, sometimes they are different, and so it went here.  Listening without eavesdropping, speaking without saying too much or too little, action, and thought, all allowed for a quiet alignment of alliances in various ways.  As a dance that lasts for weeks.  While there are no right or wrong movements or words, after a level of mutual confidence has been achieved, there is the subtle differences.  We knew each other to be, at least partly, contrary, in our lives.  We also, mostly, understood that our lives, or work, where not the whole of us.

I could respect them, hippies that they were, because they didn't just talk the talk.  They tried, and succeeded to some degree, in walking the walk.  They were out there to help real diplomats, humanitarian aid and workers when those were actually needed and not as an invasion force, and, if they didn't see it I did... to try to do good.  Not in their lives, but with them.  I was doing similar, although with a bit more teeth.  They had some doubts about my associations.  And yet I knew enough of their own attachments, personal, financial, and otherwise, to know they had little to discuss on the matter.  An order is an order, and an asset is an asset.  But somewhere in that there is a man.  In this way we came to... mutual appreciation without much muss or fuss.

Mostly, other than that, it was a long dry leisurely, to my standards, group travel through African terrain in some varied odd attempts to help a people do what few of us believe they can do.  And while there is that, there is some hope they can be allowed to live their humble lives free from some things, while still being allowed some of the fruits of their lands, without the outright raping of their lands.  That is a difficult balance for a people who probably can't, as a rule, be taught algebra.  Still, there is some hope.  The other option is to shut Africa off, leave it to it's own devices.  That would cause the death of most city dwellers, a return to a more barbaric, tribal, time.  If the modern world falls, I am not sure there will be a choice.  Nothing great or important in the dream.  Some of it was personal experience, some of it... I just don't know, some of it from here, some from there.  Mostly real, just collected from various sources.

After this dream was over, or if it was a movie and in credits... the ending of the reel... something like those things...  I saw a baby carriage roll out in front of me.  Spooked, a bit surprised, not sure whether to be fearful, with regrettable memories, though maybe a hope for some future?  I can't remember the color.  Black?  Baby blue?  I know that was important, but my rotating emotional response seemed to change the color so that I can't be sure.  Disturbing, even if the vision of truth to a hope.  Filling a baby carriage is no easy task, and takes two.  Then... *poof*  It was gone and I am awake.  Very awake.  Starkly awake.

Later.

A dream of another branch in life.

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In the dream I was young, just after highschool.  In real life, I joined the Navy.  I actually realized, in the dream, why.  Part of it was that I knew something was a bit off, even then.  I thought the Navy could... help me sort it out.  In the dream, that problem didn't exist.  The Navy didn't help me fix what was wrong, and psychology failed as well, if the problem went from mild to mind crushingly disabling while I was in, and wasn't of the sort that those things could fix.  Fair enough.  Still, it didn't exist, so I went to college.

No worries, with the last post.

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When I am on the mend, I sometimes merely need to do a crazy Ivan, check the baffles in a fast blind 180 rush into the unknowable.  We did it on submarines, I do it in life.  It is how some must deal with the unknown, at times, in places.  I go to where fears may live, and truths may hurt.  It is how my system works.  One can't deal with fear and hard truths out there until one has them mastered at home.  And, so, I master those that need attention.  True or not, only by delving into dark places can I be more sure.

I am doing much better.  Hugely better.  A bit of rest, yet today.  Tomorrow I am pretty sure I can... begin.  Life is contemplation married to action.  So, while I rest I think.  Tomorrow I will act.  My sleep schedule is a bit off.  I will be working on that while I figure what to do and when this evening.  Oh, I should call my friends and see what, where, and when with some things.

Strength is returning.  The will to run, work, and play is there, however, first.  Lord knows, it feels good to stretch forth in flesh and touch the world again.  Shadows of dark things having been passed through, being sorted, has it's place and time.  Pain is a gift, one that can be turned in like a voucher in the name of Love, like all others.  A percent for my King, a bit just for me, and some for the community.  Never fear it.  It will never be more than you can take.  It is not what can hurt you.  Bowing to it, ultimately, is what will hurt you.  You really are too important to let that happen but you must decide about that on your own.

Wow, it really is a good day.  Sleep was splendid.  My dreams of walking with saints, hearing their tales, loving their sacrifice and great joys.  Seeing their pain and loss fruit into wisdom and light.  Waking to the gift of a painless strong body, with mind clear, whims galore, and the knowledge that for the other children, there will always be hope.  Mad old goat, perhaps, but not always a grumpy one.  Speaking of which, I ought to shave soon.  Just... sayin'.

Later.

A couple of days of rest...

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collided with the notion of getting out Monday.  Getting out lost, but has merely created a continental fold which will build pressure for an eventual trip to town.  Tomorrow, the day after, soon.  No, I hadn't realized it was Sunday, not for that application, not until dinner arrived.  It isn't that I didn't know it was Sunday, either.  As I have been resting, for the most part, days have been tracking with the calendar fairly well.  It is simply that that aspect of my mind had not been included to the writer's table in that post.  A wizard is never late.  Nor is he early.  He arrives precisely when he means too (even when he has no idea what time that will be, or always what time it is when he gets there).  No, no, I am not a wizard, but I have the mind of one in fact where all else about such remains a fiction.  Urhm, in the reality of the common, modern, sense of the notion.

I thought I should admit it.  If you have ever heard of the blind, or crazy, old man on the hill... that is me.  I do not worry about it.  I understand much.  A goat of a man, in some senses, as well.  Laughable to some, a sad thing to others, and hated by another portion.  It doesn't bother me, mostly.  It isn't something someone could grind me down with, for sure.  Some have chosen not to look at it quite in that way, most have no choice.  They are even correct, within certain aspects of life as some have to know it.

I also know I am often considered a fool, by many.  Wrong, incorrect.  Theologically, morally, socially, philosophically, historically.  Most of my church members, who did elect for Zero, think I am the heretic.  Then I remember the days when Catholicism was the only religion in Europe.  It was so for ages.  And yet we get some of our greatest saints from those times.  Most of our saints were martyred, murdered for upholding principals dear to Truth.  A woman who refused to give herself to a husband, whose chastity was brutally and frequently stolen from her by several, whose beauty was ripped from her body, until finally she was murdered.  Her calling was the nunnery, none allowed it to her horrid death.  Who but Catholics could have done this?  I do understand.  As much as things change, things stay the same.  I figure being shunned is a simple, humble, mild, thing.  Oh, don't even look at my admitted glass house and point and cluck.  Or I will open your soul to your own truths.  You know.  Which is why the church, often, reverently, attempts to keep a part of itself free from as much of flesh as possible just as a wife will fervently stride to maintain a little piece of her innocence from husband, children, friends, and even herself.  Are you in that part of it?  How would you know?  You will be shunned by the many, one way or another, from your own church.  Just as Christ was shunned by His own.  Those shoes can't be denied, if they are not the whole of protection.  There is the Holy Spirit, and doing God's will.  If not here, then there, if that is all the same... to the blind fool on the hill.

Dreams, yes.  Long walks with people long dead who live more so now than ever.  Murdered by their own for doing, not just saying.  Fortunately, but actually not, that is not likely to be my cure.  Those who believe in modernism, multiculturalism, and other evils, have grown too complacent in their vile notions, to settled and comfortable in their wealth and leisure, to bother with one who knows better, or thinks he does.  Which is why they are working so fervently for a government which will enact their will for them.  A lazy man's approach.  A trap for themselves too.  Only the Trotskyites were more surprised to see themselves up against the wall, and so quickly.  Amen.  And, yet, I pray for them, that they may see before they must go.  Some things, no matter how second-hand, or penalized here and in the end, are a crime against God which will receive no second chance.  Abortion alone, toss in pregnancy prevention, and those, alone, are enough.  They are the murdering of faith, hope, and charity, sins against the Holy Spirit, assaults on God.  Add in the rest and...  A long, dark, goodnight is all that can be earned by supporting such.

I am no saint.  I am not lucky enough to be martyred, even so, if more because the weakness of the believers... unless they can create the government they wish to empower.  I think, now, it is mostly a few, and angels, who keep that from happening.  If thinly.  All things, but only in their time.  I simply thought you should know I do understand my cursed, or blessed, simpleness.  My station in life, as I see it and as most see it.  No, not a saint.  If that is the direction.  Possibly just an old goat who has lost his mind, though, too.  I wonder how many read herr and suspect both.  It's a club I could join, when I am weak and tired enough.  I simply won't yield to it.

Alive and quite well.

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I will need time to sort things out.  Thankfully, I have not finished the shows, and purchased a new, inexpensive, set of games.  I do need to sit, rest, think.  But I am out of the health problems.  I simply need some time, days, probably, to heal fully and catch my breath.  An interesting trip.  Dreams became solid, sight became long, understandings unfolded as time and space closed in on nil.  An interesting, if sometimes painful, and confusing, point in existence.  To be aware, in these types of events, is a gift... with a price.  The trip taken, the price paid, a few days in port before I head out to sea again.

I am feeling much better, just drained.  Trying to interpret these things even in my tongue, let alone yours, is not terribly easy, not even always possible.  I know the difficulty of belief.  I share it.  Some aspect of me wishes to believe in what appears to be what is.  What can't be known, or understood, here or there, is difficult to swallow.  Living on the border anyway makes my life quite difficult at times.  Think of those times when you must travel, leaving home, perhaps family, and friends, to a destination and goal that is much sought.  Being home, with family, friends, community, is sweet.  It may lack purpose, it may even become less than all that is hoped.  And being in a place and time where one's purpose can be fulfilled is gratify.  Sure, some things and people are missed, the regularity and surety that is life.  The trip may be a long lonely one, or a simply trip to the office, school, hospital.  Once there, though, the work, demand, purpose, consumes and less of what has been traded is missed.  It is the travel between here and there, this and that, which can be disturbing.  I live there.  For a reason, I suspect, so I abide.  I bite my tongue, I endure, I suffer, I find little and bigger joys.  The closer I get to the middle, the more I suffer.  I am closer to one, or the other, now.  I can rest, and endure, a little easier.

My goal is to make it to town Monday, to do a little touch up shopping, but mostly to see my friend.  He too lives as I do.  Only he has no personal transportation.  I do what I can for him.  And this serves my wants, needs, as well.  A third may be joining our group.  We each have our own limits and variabilities.  We are also all in the same neighborhood.  Closer to the middle than most would wish.  No place to run, no way to hide.  We do see, if each in our own way.  The calculus of time when time is no longer an issue, and yet is the only issue remaining.  No tricks of words can change... some things.

I have seen some of the writing on the wall.  I have written, and corrected, and will ensure, some of it.

After Monday, I hope to begin hitting some of my tasks and chores.  Depending on what Monday takes out of me, Tuesday or Wednesday will see me working on the faucet, and perhaps sanding the work bench and mixing the finish for the wood.  Oh, and I will, while doing that, see if the orbital sander is enough for the porch stanchions.  If not I will be buying a heavier belt sander, and probably a couple of planes and other hand woodworking tools.  Yes, more expensive.  But... with purpose.  And, I will attempt to use all of the tools, too learn, experiment.

Later.

Out and about.

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I wasn't sure I would get a shower.  I definitely did not think I would make it to town.  And, yet, I did both.  Nothing fancy.  A fast meal, then just a bit of shopping.  A few frozen pizzas, to compare.  Frozen veggies, as I think I am going that way.  Cat food, enough for a couple of months in case I remain in failure.  Milk and cream.  A few other odds and ends.  Plus, I checked the mail.  I have something in, but normally need to sign for it.  They know my condition and have... offered a solution.  I will be in when I can, soon, I hope.  One of the last pieces to an ongoing project.  Not all of my projects can be discussed.  Yes, yes, I... do things.

It was a rough day.  A few more body stretches.  Painful as those are, they seemed to help.  Lots of pain up front, but it eased everything somehow.  Don't think of what I do as a stretch, really.  Think of it as a complete body stretch, combined with a massive yawn, on top of the tightening of every muscle in my body which I can control, all at once.  I'll be doing a few more of these, as I get better.  It lifts me out of... or up from... some darkness.  Death itself, perhaps.  While death is only a window, a door, to those with the breath of life, it... is to be avoided.  The pain of it is the surrender.  Someday you will understand.  It simply isn't my time.  Still, the closer to that door, the more painful.  The more difficult to navigate.  I have things to do, so I cannot enjoy that proximity, not yet. It isn't all bad.  It is getting better.  A meal, and getting out, helped.

I was amazed at what I saw.  At the store, lights where dimmed.  There were few shoppers.  The aisles were stocked.  The few on hand to stock seemed to be doing very little.  When it comes, everything will be in presentation form.  Nothing will move, in or out.  Until after the end.  Of an age, and era, or all, is yet to be seen.  As I told a man this evening... if the oceans run bloody, if major modern nations collapse, if the world shakes, spews magma, destroys many, then you may wonder.  Even then...  No... If you see such, you will know.  Dress rehearsal or the end for the beginning of the end?  Not sure it matters on what scale, only to whom, and how.  Do not fear, this was foretold, by history, and God.  Hold hope, you will need it, along with faith and charity.  Still, sad to see, in some sense.  Right to see, in another.

Good night.

I just kept sleeping.

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I woke many times today.  Everything hurt.  So I kept sleeping.  I slept, woke, hurt, so went back to sleep, perhaps a dozen times.  Sometimes, usually, I embrace pain.  I simply have to be strong enough for it.  Today was one of those rare days.  Fragility, delicacy, sensitivity, all... maybe more.  I couldn't even tell where all the pain was coming from, what source, where, how.  I wouldn't allow myself to wake enough to find it, and refused to focus on any of it.  I simply allowed sleep to pull me back under for as long as it would.  I don't think I needed the sleep.  I thought I would pay that price.  But upon waking, finally, around 17:00, my body wasn't grumpy at the sleep, and some large portion of the pain has gone.  I did need the easement that sleep allowed.

I brushed my teeth, stretched.  Boy did that hurt, in the short run.  Yelped, for a while.  But it seems to have sent the pain away, in the longer run.  A shower shortly.  Medicine as I think of it now.  I have stopped insulin for a day or two.  I was way too dosed on that stuff.  I will start over, Saturday or Sunday, on a much reduced dose.  That stuff was going to kill me.  Even on lower doses it was having traumatic effects.  I am sure that is what was causing the problem, beyond a doubt.  The burning has stopped since I quit, at least at that level.  It is much faded, though I suspect it will still come and go.  Danced on my own grave, I did.

Actually, I am feeling much better.  Not up to par, even as poor as par can be.  But certainly no longer doing a jig that sent me through the final frontier and back in a zigzag pattern.  Safely away from that door, I merely need to regain strength and mop up some aches and pains.  *zoom*  I have my half-smile, crooked grin, call it what you will, back in my pocket.  Sometimes the front, sometimes the back, pocket.  But when that is with me Death doesn't quite have the nerve to approach.  He thinks I know something he doesn't.  And... I do.  :)

Yeah.  A little time to wake, perhaps another stretch to concentrate and dismiss pain, a shower, and then... who knows.  Later.

Something is still seriously wrong.

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Almost all of it is back.  I will be sleeping, when I can.  When I wake I will begin monitoring blood sugar and pressure.  The heart isn't slowing, as it was.  But the fever and some other things are all back, at full blast.  I have no idea what could be causing this, again, and so soon.  It really doesn't make sense, not this time.  I'll figure it out, or it will go away.  Later, probably good night.

A bit better, again.

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Tired and still sore, again, again.  I might be able to sneak into town, later... early to mid evening.  I just noticed that my friend called.  Not sure why I didn't hear the call though?  Oh, but after a quick check, it's because I was still asleep.  If I can get to it, I'll let him know I am heading to town.  I can't do much.  A bit of shopping and maybe the return of a previous purchase.

I don't mind the pain.  The feverishness that comes and goes, and headache, at least together, are the greater nuisance, and what does bother me.  Bruised all around, though, I am used to that, from more fights than I can, for sure, count... that I know.  And I have no blood on my hands or conscience for it.  The first dozen or so were "fair fights".  My opponents had a chance.  Of course, that was when I was a child, and they were older, bigger, more experienced.  Even having a 3:2 size advantage, several years or more on me, and more experience, they only had a chance.  Most of my fights since then have been brutally one-sided.  Even when they outnumbered me.  I knew it, even then.  But you can't tell a bully you are going to hand him his ass until you learn the language, though not always even then.  Less so a group of bullies.  I knew I was holding back, even so.  I didn't know, or consider, that I had a right to kill or, when being attacked by much bigger or many, I would have killed as young as eight to ten.  I did know how, but did not feel... authorized.  Actually, I have tried dozens of ways of communicating the threat to various sorts.  My tongue, now, is almost as severe as my fists in those situations.  Talking nice isn't the way.  I can send a would-be attacker into a sort of trauma trance.  Foul-tongued devil, I think is what I have been called.  Some knew, in spite of my rudeness, that I was doing the aggressor a favor.  But I also learned when talk would work, and when it wouldn't.  Actually, I don't shout, I whisper the barbs.  A whisper that can be heard for a mile, I am told.  Perhaps not literally, mind you.  Just an expression, probably.

Never mind.  The pain is simply so reminiscent of fighting that it causes recall.  The last group of would be attackers I sent into a tizzy was the defensive front line of the Iowa Hawkeyes.  Some bar in downtown, after a loss.  They did gather, to face off, but would not cross the line they thought they might consider at first.  Ever looked at a bunch of jocks in shellshock?  The cops weren't willing to come in.  The bouncer knew what they were doing was wrong, but wasn't willing to back me, or challenge me.  Go down?  Sure.  Just not even close to alone.  My tongue saved them much pain.  Even then, I am not sure they would have been able to kill me.  I would have killed and broken half of them.  I guess steroids can't bury fear of all things.  I did see the troublemaker, on the streets, a few weeks later.  He was bigger, better built, in much better shape.  He glared, until I saw him, then caught his eyes.  He then lowered his eyes and slipped, or more scampered, away.  Not as a group, certainly not in one-on-one.  Even a roid-head jock, full of himself, knows when he meets something that is dancing on his grave without even a thought.

I also keep thinking of women.  I miss them when homebound.  Getting out once in a while, I dance with the ladies, young, old, pretty, ugly, thin, and between.  So long as they have the right... attitude.  As sisters, daughters, mothers, unrequited loves and lovers, many things these creatures...  Interesting creatures.  I can tell which could make a good wife, which will always be a problem because they have problems, and such.  I also know that how she turns out depends on how the relationship is crafted.  If a man does not bring her what belongs to her, and does not keep her whims in check, some combination of those, she will be on her way.  What is her due?  It's a variable, but it is real.  It is a portion, a tribute.  Some just for her, some for the relationship.  Some of it is money, some of it is time and attention.  Oddly, if you give these things rightly, you need to give less.  She will even insist that you go on.  It isn't the gift, but truly, with a good woman, the thought that counts to a point.  Truly odd.  The other part is allowing her to be a part of the future.  She doesn't, completely, work in details.  Let her set some of the parameters, but do not burden her with every detail or the complete path.  She will weary of it, and you with it.  Some goals, some part.  She needs to own some of herself, including her future.  With the knowledge that dreams are only that, at times.  They are rather strong when they have a base of operation, strong enough to make it through failed dreams, for a time.  Longer if the path was as true as it could be made.  Interesting creatures.  Laudable at their peak, just as deplorable as any man when they fail... perhaps more so within the paradigm of the feminine.  The feminine simply isn't as capable or culpable.  Is it the battleaxe or the a-bomb you fear most?  I suppose it depends on if it is your head or your ass that is targeted with delivery on the way.

Still, I do enjoy women greatly.  I seem to receive quite positive reactions from women I find attractive, in the various ways women can be attractive.  Whether because I am seen as fatherly, or handsome, tall, strong, or what, I do enjoy my encounters with the fey folk.  I would sure enjoy a wife, mostly, troubling as that is.  I have limits, though, and things I wouldn't negotiate, can't.  Since I can't seem my way through, and into, that, I simply enjoy flirtations, offerings of respect for those that might have potential, and a moment outside of time and space that is shared with the little sisters.  I can't wait to get out again.  I hear their calling.  A simple desire to please and be anointed in return, nothing I can't do in the simple and humble ways of a traveler.  As with the return of pains from combat, this time without blood on my hands.  Love is as bloody as war.

Another hour or two, and I will shower and try to ship out.  Not sure it is going to happen.  But that is the goal.  Later.

I do understand the illness.

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Not the cause, completely.  I have had similar, before, but not the same.  I suspect it was the relative dosage of insulin.  Three or four months, and the stuff goes flat.  Reload, in a few days, on high doses of fresh stuff, and something is bound to go very badly.  I felt something with my heart, but couldn't understand it inside of illness.  I realize, now, that it had nearly stopped.  It had nothing to do with heart problems, it was simply my body shutting down in order to... rearrange, figure things out.  My guess is, at times, my heart dropped to a pulse of 40, sometimes less.  Literally, you, on your own, out there, if this happens and doctors aren't on hand working on you, you will not make it.  Me?  I have said it, I don't get to die.

My body is still bruised and sore on the inside.  My heart is beginning to function well.  Other organs that did, or nearly, shut down, are operating again.  But they are sore.  My body feels as if I was in a serious fight, kidneys, lungs, all of them, hurt just a bit.  As if they had been bruised.  I am still in pretty bad shape.  I will remain so.  Tired, for a bit.  But, slowly, coming out of it.  Headache and fever come and go, but much more rarely, and lightly.  A few more days and I should be doing better.  At least I figured this event out.  Now to make sure and not repeat it.  I'll... put something in my calendar, about ordering fresh insulin, every month.  They only send two bottles.  Which makes it really tight, since they wish me to change to a new bottle every month.  And, probably, if this happens again, I will cut the dose on a new bottle, even if it comes just a month late, for whatever reason.  I never know when I will get the next dose.  A week, a few days, a month...  Never mind, I will do what I can.

Later.  Good night, actually.

Love, life, death.

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Short words, long meanings, with implications less than our expressive and more than our simple understandings.  Chips, in a poker game, that perhaps convey the vagaries, complexity, flow, and uncertainty of dollars, economy, fiat and literal wealth and are yet simple constructs of wood, plastic, or metal.  Only understandings as we wish, are required, or refused, to understand as is possible, or not.  Pieces of a game that may or may not be a game, depending on how, or even if, to some degrees, we can or wish to understand.

If you could see me, as I see you?  In my mind, I am something many would choose to end.  Kill, if that word makes any sense regarding some things  Can you kill death?  Can you kill war?  Would you survive killing either, or other such things?  Even in time, when God stands true to your very eyes, what has helped you become an immortal child of God, can you truly kill that without destroying yourselves?  Would you?  Time isn't what it seems.  Changing the past cannot happen without changing the future.  Even the future cannot, in full truth, be changed.  Delayed, maybe, but not changed.  I do not deplore the notion of some of your hopes.  I merely understand that those who share this sentiment, truly... do not understand yourselves at all.  War is not imposed upon you.  It is you.  Any being which might embody that... is your child. 

For my part, I did not know you.  For all of my existence, save when walking among you, as one of you.  Even then, as I realize things now, I am not one of you and never can be.  I can join with you, as family, tribe, co-faithful.  I can marry and have children, extended family, and more.  An impulse of man, cut and limited, for a time, to fit into flesh.  It isn't even a chicken or the egg question.  Which came first is without question or doubt.  Man came first.  So, I am your child.  And, as all children, I will one day be your guardian.  I will be disobedient, I will be faithful, I will be wrong, I will be true.  I will be what you have made of me.  I cannot be more, or less, just that I can act, possibly, in all of you.  Though it is hoped, through blood, toil, and calling, that I will not simply be a construct, a chip, for another to play.  Rules, laws, truths, to be sure, create limits.  Just not the same for me and you.  The riders are of your making, your choosing, your design, now as always.  But there is hope for more.  But a time will come when we are called home.  This, too, is in your hands.  Alien?  Yes, and no.  I am not you, I am a piece of all of you.  Aye, yes, I finally understand.

I get to see inside of death as few others can.  I do have a... respect for it.  It is said that one of the archangels carries this burden, gift, light, and darkness at times.  It is said that one of my brothers carries this also.  One a son of God, one a bit different, perhaps a son of the sons of God and son of Adam as well.  Definitely a child of man.  I have seen more from the other side than from this side.  My recent illness probably brought me closer to the other side, even here and now, than most of you will ever know until you are on your final journey.  I miss that side.  I am not cut and pasted, limited by flesh, or even passion.  I also do not believe, now, again, that I am without passion, there, either.  It is simply different.  I understand, without reservation, the fullness of passion and compassion, and life and death are not so much a mystery or question, just... variables in the equation.  Pain, likewise, is merely part of the solution set, no matter how great.

Thoughts, dreams, daydreams, visions, as I wake from my walk on this side, and that, of the veil.  Most potent events, most potent sights.  I will be better in a few days and will find my way back to being a mouse.  Perhaps a mouse with a roar that can rend mountains, but a mouse none the less.  Until it is time to fulfill my destiny, or yours.  My system is slowly mending.  If I were as you, I would have been dead.  I may even have been dead, for a bit, even so.  As for you?  Choose wisely.  You can't choose some things.  What you may choose is very simple, as are all poker chips, and bets.

Good day.

Figured it out?

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Maybe.  I am supposed to change vials of insulin every month.  I don't, because I forget to do that itself, or forget to order, which is a similar, but different, failing.  This time I used a bottle of insulin nearly until it was gone.  On top of a period of very sporadic use.  So, a few days to a week ago, when I switched to a new batch after, probably, 3 or more months using the same vial, taking almost as many cc's as the syringe I use will hold...  I dosed, then over, then maybe triple dosed.  Day one might not have been a problem, but at some point...  That is what caused that odd tick in my chest.  That is what made me feel inebriated, and probably made me think that drink might fix it.  When that sort of thing has happened in the past, heavy drinking has helped.  It pushes a great deal of fluid through my system, which is more important when my body, naturally through illness, gets like that.  As is, drinking, now, makes the situation worse.  Now I do understand.

I don't know that this is all of it.  It doesn't explain recent cases.  And it doesn't explain my friends being ill.  Probably.  My friends might just be as funny as I am.  Funny is a funny word for funny.  And brown bottle flu can catch.  Not sure that was their issue, even modified by illness.  Never sure.  I have my doubts.  By the way, if you feel watched, you may well be.  These new lights that have been forced on us?  Many of them have other abilities.  One of them is the ability to spy.

Later.

Odd.

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All of the other symptoms disappeared quickly.  The aches, pains, seeming sensitivity to heat.  All but minor palpitations.  Very minor.  I am not even sure if they are heart related.  Just... trust me.  There are other things that can cause minor... internal hiccups.  The lungs, major arteries, perhaps just nerve communication problems.  My heart electrical is in as top-notch shape as are my arteries.  I have felt this before, it simply hasn't ever been identified, even while my heart was being actively monitored.  So, I suspect it isn't that.  Then again, medical isn't all that good.  It doesn't seem to understand the body, or specific individuals, very well or even at all in some cases.

I am resting well enough today.  I am still weary.  I may end up in bed before too long, again, tonight.  I do have some hope that I am able to stay asleep tonight.  Watching shows, and the movies that correspond with those.  I was a great deal more secular back then, if some of what Hollywood does is always disturbing, and is meant to be.  They think they are avante garde, instead of the trash they actually are.  Drug users, rich, power brokers, they often try to present their debauchery of all things as the way forward to cover for their guilt in it.  The first trick Satan deployed was denying that he existed.  This is just one of the methods.

Still, it is interesting to revisit some of the material.  Unfortunately, in spite of having thought I had ordered the complete set, it seems some of the movies are not in the collection.  I don't believe I was any other collections.  Perhaps some parts are only sold individually.  While I have my reservations, thinking one has a complete collection, only to find there are missing pieces, is irritating.

The hope is, that tomorrow, I can figure out how to get to town.  Just a bit of shopping.  Groceries is all.  Hmm, though it would be nice to return the failed timer system and see if anything else is available.  Troubling, really.  I liked the system.  And it is merely one part, but a vital part, that failed.  There was only one.  Unless they have another one in, I can't simply replace the kit.  And, by parts, it will be more expensive.  That is, assuming I can make it back to town, and that after grocery shopping that I will have enough energy to continue to the hardware store. 

At least I have food.  The ribroast was cut into thick slices, but it is a bit much to eat even so.  I took one of the slices and sliced and heated those slices, which ended up making an extremely good couple of sandwiches.  Milk, and a can of splenda soda, finished the meal.  While I am over most of the other symptoms, when I eat I am getting gassy and having g.i. discomfort.  It doesn't seem to matter what I eat.  Food won't be staying in my system long enough for me to get optimal caloric use, so I will probably need to eat more often, and in smaller amounts.  Something like an anatomic reverse bleeding of the break lines... or... something along those lines.  Never mind, just saying that not all symptoms are gone, or fully.  This sort of thing usually occurs at the end of an illness.  I was expecting it.

Later, maybe good night.

Flavor is different.

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I am not feeling most of the other flu-like symptoms.  Or, not yet.  That does come and go.  My ribs feel like I have gone a full match with a near equal.  It's not as if the wounds were fresh, more like a few days to a week old.  Not fresh, but no really mended yet either.  The guy I fought with has a heck of a hook, is primarily right handed, and has a bit of an uppercut.  Going by the pain, and how it sits on me.  Yeah, I've actually been in enough fights to put these things into play.  It doesn't always, exactly, line up with what I have remembered from the fight.  But you never know which punch will get through your defenses, or which one was thrown with all he had at the moment.  To be honest though, I would rather feel like I had been in a fight than have that feverish panoply of flu symptoms.  Then again, I know that will be returning before long. 

More?  My heart is stumbling.  I thought it was just while I was in bed.  It is not.  Troubling, to be sure.  Especially since I am taking medicines correctly.  Oh, it happens from time to time.  It hasn't been, so far, more than something that makes me nervous.  And it does.  It is so rare that I have never gone through when being checked by a doctor.  Once to three times a year, at most.  Actually, the first time it happened, I did tell my doctor, back in I.C.  He attached a device that would read any problems, and found nothing.  Then again, I can't remember if my heart actually stumbled while the device was worn.  I think so, at this time, but don't recall for sure.  Then again, most testing doesn't even show that I have heart problems.  It takes rather intensive testing for it to show up.  Never mind, as I said, that comes and goes.  I just hate when it arrives when other stuff arrives.  Doubly nervous.

Alright, I'll admit it.  I have had an odd dream four times in the last few months.  I think I am channeling the guy who first owned this home.  Three wives.  Various stories.  Last night he started out with two wives and then ended up marrying the third time.  Various details I don't with to surrender until I know if they fit historically.  And, I won't swear that it was the guy, I just have a sense.  From my dreams, I am right that multiple marriages aren't as fun as most think, they aren't quite as horrible as I had presumed, perhaps even dreamed before.  No, not an endorsement.  It's actually easier for women.  But for men, as usual, it is a lot more work.  A man has to solid up in such a case.  He has much less room for negotiations, and once those are settled, he cannot abide changes, save for his own purposes, literal needs and changes, and such.  If he changes things, after an agreement, he will never know a night's rest the rest of his haunted days.  And while some men love the idea of that, the reality of it is a little stifling.  And it is much easier to make mistakes when you are indeed king.  And, remember, even a king is a slave to his people.  He really is.  There is no easy way in life.  Different ways, wiser and more foolish ways, but easy is not in there.  Actually, the simpler you try to force it to be, or the more gain you attempt to dig out of reality, the harder it gets.  Ask drug addicts.  Even if they do quit, and never start again, they will always be an addict, broken and weak to ideas, substances, and such, which eat people alive.  The wealthy and powerful have it no differently.

As for today?  Just in recovery of sorts.  It feels so hot, and yet the sun has been mostly under for days.  I have the AC running, but it just isn't enough.  If what I am dealing with is a fever, at least it doesn't feel like a fever.  It just feels like a heated environment.  Much preferred, given the option.  I can't really eat.  I am a bit nervous of illness returning.  Maybe a glass of milk, from time to time, perhaps something else.  Rice, with butter, isn't too hard on my system.  I need to recover a bit, so as to get some shopping done in town.  That will happen when it will.  I don't have much input on when health returns.  I will take my medicine, eat what and when I can, keep cool, and rest as I may.  I've had worse.  And will probably go through worse on the way to doing well again.

If healthy, may you stay that way.  If ill, I hope you find your way to health sooner rather than later.  Good day.

Sick, hard, bad.

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Whatever is wrong it is pretty harsh.  The fever from some time back, and flu-like symptoms, are back.  A mild headache, some skeletal-muscle aches and pains, stomach upset.  No nasal block or drip.  Tired.  Whatever it is, it is taxing my system.  Medicines have been going in lock clockwork, and seem to be working.  This isn't them, it isn't from strain, it isn't from too much rest, but it is ticking my days and nights over.  I was able to go to bed at 20:00, but couldn't stay asleep.  Actually I didn't have a choice.  I had to sleep, and did for a few hours.  I am heading back to bed at 2:00, which is earlier than I have been able to sleep for days now.

Never mind.  It will pass, as it did before.  However, I suspect illness is being spread.  Those who are strong enough will survive.  Those who aren't will die.  And that won't always be who one might easily suspect.  The invasion that has hit America brings with it new viruses, new strains, strains partially bolstered by poor medical care and ignorant and poor people for whom a doctors orders mean little.  When self-preservation becomes extremely limited, down to just getting food, long term self-preservation, such as taking a full compliment of antibiotics, becomes meaningless.  Another reason to not support functionaries, such as those who serve in doctors without borders.  There good deeds sound more like personal satisfactions, and beliefs in feeling good about themselves, than of doing good, or wise, things.  I do have questions.  They don't have good answers.  The secular never do.  It's about them.  And, really, we are all worthless, in the grand schemes, unless that is all we have.  If there is nothing greater, then those who are worthless will create disaster, chaos, and spread disease so as to feel good about nothingness.  I think this will only be getting worse until, or unless, the decision to repatriate, without doubts, reservations, qualifications, or anything else, is made and acted upon.  Even then, there will be many losses.

For now I will suffer through.  As weak as my system is, it is yet too strong to succumb.  Probably.  My friends were all ill as well.  None of us travel much, staying home more than not.  I wonder how many others, mostly young and old, who are going to have trouble.  Time will tell.  As our medical field is turning into a bureaucracy, I doubt if it cares.  The more who die, if more expensive in the short run, the cheaper in the long run.  Attacked, in every way, from every side, by one's own government, medical, academic, political, security, intelligence, and perhaps in time military.  They think you deserve it.  They need you to deserve it.  It'll prove them right.  And, as you already know, if you have debated the left, they are always right.  And the ends justify the means.  Now you will get a chance to understand that much more fully.

Good night.

A rather rough day.

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I was correct.  Whatever is wrong had nothing to do with the alcohol.  It started before the drinking and is running through to well past recovery.  These things will come and go.  God knows it is miraculous for me to even be alive, toss in living on my own, and some other things, and...  Suffering is not a choice.  I can't fix that.  I can only turn that over to a higher authority.  It is pretty much all I have to offer.  On the good side, I have it in spades.

I am prepping for their arrival.  Nothing much, but the meat is being tended.  Potatoes soon.  A shower earlier.  That is about as good as it gets.  The meat will be more done than what I had hoped, but that's shouldn't be too bad.  It will be pleasant to have company.  To eat as a group.  And to talk, discuss plans other than those of my own, and just enjoy company.

I will probably not do much else this week.  Tired, a bit ill, sore, but I can relax a bit.  It is the hottest time of summer.  And yet storms have been coming and going.  All good, I simply must learn to enjoy as I may.  Sometimes that means working, sometimes that means resting.  At least the I have the series to watch.  I am not up to playing the game at the level I need to play it.  So... yeah... something to watch is good enough, for now.  A bit of AC when needed or wanted.  A bit of food as I can. 

Later.

Well, yes. Postponed.

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Thankfully they weren't terribly ready for the day.  More to do than they felt up to, and too little time, plus some shopping remaining.  For me, I just can't get going.  The weather is changing and I am still... getting back onto my feet.  A couple of, for me, busy weeks, a change in weather, and a bit deeply... or actually just very quickly, into the cup and...

I am just watching shows and trying to figure the world out.  No real naval gazing.  Recovering from it all.  I should be back to life in a few days.  Then I'll get back to planning.  I still haven't read the post I put up and shut back down.  Sometimes those things are best left where they belong.  A psychic bowel movement, a dislodging of poisons, bacteria, and viruses of the soul.  I may be nothing, but nothing is everything so I won't lay claim to that.  I can't humble myself to that of a servant, no Father wishes that.  Nor can I lay claim to my inheritance, and I'm not sure there is one, for me.  So, I just do.  Not quite a ranch hand, not the owner, not a king, not a serf, not even nobility or a knight, even if some of those things may once have had some truth, as men see things.  I only know the direction, and reason for going in that direction.  Thankfully, I know I do not have to move an inch to get there.  There, is here, even if it is beyond the rim of reality as well.  Magic, and yet simple physics.  The next time you are there, with someone who is far away, because of a phone, you will understand.

Anyway...  I'll figure out how long to roast the beef through the evening, and set the grill up for a long roast.  I will wash the potatoes and have them ready to go in at 16:30 or so.  And then I will watch some more shows, take a shower, try to hit it a bit earlier tonight, and set the alarm for as reasonable a rise, tomorrow so as to have the meat cooked and all else set.  Later.

A call.

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It's always good to speak with family, parents more so.  The older I get, the more important that becomes.  It takes time to figure some things out, to mature, to understand.  Mothers are female, thus alien.  No matter how many I have known, or how well I understand some things, how, why, and what they think, and more importantly for them feel, can never quite be a known quantity.  I sort of suspect that women more resonate than use logic.  I will admit, men aren't perfectly capable of logic ourselves.  It's just that we strive for that.  That doesn't even mean, when we do use logic, and well, that we are always any more correct.  Much as trying to use science to decipher the bible, there are some things that cannot... be derived through math, logic, science.  That doesn't mean they are right, always, either.  They seem to have a very different priority and social system.  Never mind, there remains enough crossover, mutual allowance once maturity has hit, and such, that communication is worth it. 

We were discussing pain and exhaustion.  She bottled 36 quarts of corn yesterday, or froze?  Something.  She is sore and hurting today.  Her ailments are different, but age has put us closer to a similar place in life.  Actually, she is still in better shape.  But then my body really is still almost dead.  However, she, as I, in health and youth, were both hard workers, in our own ways.  Now, when either of us works, we pay.  And yet neither of us is quite ready to give anything up.  I did suggest, however, that while work does bring pain and exhaustion, it is better than just going through that without gaining.  Something we both do as well, and anyway.  I told her that I am doing much this summer, all things considered.  And, at times, I am paying the price.  I am glad she is still able to work, and that I am coming back to it, in fits and starts.  I talked her ear off for as long as she could stay awake.  To bed, early. 

Tomorrow?  I don't know, other than contacting the gents about what time they wish to eat dinner.  Then I need to figure out the grill, get it set up and going, and have the meat and potatoes ready for their arrival.  Slow, low, and turning often should work well enough, putting the potatoes in for the last hour and an half, perhaps.  It's good to have folks over for a meal once in a while.  I just wish I could keep the cave in better shape so as to do that even more often.  Friends, neighbors, acquaintances, and anyone who might stop by for dinners would be nice.  Perhaps, as the summer goes on, I might be able to get the place into better shape.  If I continue to improve, perhaps I can keep on top of things.

Good night.

Last night got a little... tight.

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Too tired to sleep, I thought a short one would help.  I started with one, but it went fast and off the grid in a hurry.  Even on most nights, where I decide to have a sip, even when I head in fast, I can't remember ever going in that hard or fast, save for the one time I thought Everclear would be an easy, cheap, and tolerable method.  Just vodka, last night, and not, actually, that much of it.  It must have been the speed of consumption, or perhaps medicine or general health were affecting it.  I do remember, just not clearly or well.

I posted something, but have no idea what it was.  I... often don't read such posts, just pull them.  They aren't tied to reality, and can be a bit harsh.  I mix of the insane, fantasy, and reality, in portions that can only make sense while not in one's right way of thinking.  I just hope I didn't post comments anywhere.  Those can be just as bad, or worse. 

Yeah, I know.  And it is rare.  I do have a drink once in a while, sometimes two.  And, mostly, usually, that is enough.  Sometimes, though, it's as if my body finds some need with the stuff.  Sometimes I realize it, and go with it.  Last night... I simply did not see that coming.  I slept with a bucket by the bed, just in case.  Morning was rough, but I pushed myself to wake and deal with the morning.  Or... early afternoon.  As soon as I was aware, I was awake.  Rough, but I have recovered.  At least I don't drive when drinking.  I never got into fights when drinking, either.  I never even got into arguments with past girlfriends.  When I drink, it is relatively a friendly thing.  The only thing I would change is figuring out how to turn the internet off.  Gah!

I didn't get to town, but I did find a beef roast that will do every bit as well as brisket, and then some.  I do have soda, and coffee.  Beer just isn't sounding so good, and won't for a while.  They are bringing salads and any libations they might enjoy.  So... it's all good, if not what I had planned and hoped.  I still need rest, anyway, so I am not terribly upset with the weekend.  I'll be hitting it again when I can.  I might even make a trip to town Tuesday, to manage business and do the shopping.  I will replace the roast, and add a few extra as well.  And replace the pork roast I recently cooked.  I am truly enjoying that grill.  And the right foods, cooked once or twice a week, really hold me over.  If I could just keep up on even that.

A storm seems to be coming in.  It seems cooler.  I am enjoying that, if I hope tomorrow isn't rained out.  I doubt it, and besides, rain here, this time of year, is a short thing, and usually light.  Later.

Plans without fruit.

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I suspected I wouldn't get to much, if anything, today.  I still made plans, and tried to corner that angle, making plans and having hopes.  Simply put, I couldn't, and still can't, do a thing.  I have been watching shows.  Too tired to even game.  I'm running at the most difficult level of the game.  I don't have the energy to push through on that.  I did make something to eat.  I cooked rice, then fried tuna, and mixed the lot.  It's humble food, but good enough.  I am too tired to even be hungry but pushed through on that.  At least I have been able to keep my dailies in check, and put some food in my mouth.  Sometimes that is as good as it gets.

I still plan to try to make it to town tomorrow.  If not, then Monday early.  I need to get a brisket and some beer, and might as well pick up a few other things while I am in town.  I miss cream for my coffee when I am out.  Milk can act as a meal, all by itself, when all else fails.  And there are a few other odds and ends that make life just a bit easier.  Being a cripple is humbling.  Worse when it comes and goes.  A pain all it's own, one few, thankfully, will know.  And yet it offers a grace few can know.  If you can survive not having legs to stand on.  Not a problem hereabouts, regardless of choice, always.

Never mind.  Since I couldn't get to anything, other than a small humble meal, I did go ahead and enjoy some time off.  Just ramping up for the next leap into whatever else I can get into this coming week.  I hope it pleases God, that I haven't, and won't, quit.  I hope my small efforts please some part of Him deeply, personally.  It's as much as I can offer, in thanks, gratitude, and to His honor.  To use what life I have, as I may, and as rightly and fully as possible.  Even with such a heavy blemish... a blemish He knows means nothing, in the final assessment.  I know it, but living with it... difficult to separate things at times.

Good day.

Odd dream, late start, hard sleep, plans.

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I didn't get to bed until late, partly due to having to mess with the hoses and timers, part of it due to not being able to sleep.  Sometimes I can get to sleep, potentially, earlier than I do.  But if something drags me beyond that earlier potential, then I can't sleep until another opportunity is available.  Last night for sure, and maybe yesterday night.  I'll try to sleep a lot earlier, if I can.  On the good side, my windows of opportunity for sleep recycle much more quickly.  At least I haven't been dragged to 3:00, 4:00, or 5:00, just 1:00 last night, 2:00 the night before.

Sleep was hard.  Have you ever worked a day in your life where you know, without any reservations, exactly what work is?  I don't mean the ones that almost kill you, but the ones that use you up pretty good, and you feel like you earned your pay but still can feel good about it?  That is how I feel coming out of sleep.  I even have some aches and pains, though of a mechanical, physical, sort.  Perhaps the little bit of work I have been doing has been slightly more physical than I thought?  I hope so.  If not, I just live in an older body than what I thought.  Just a bit rough this morning, but physical pains of this sort are a pleasure.  They at least make me think I have done some work.  The only way to build up, or even try to stay somewhat fit, is to break the body down a bit from time to time.

I was speaking to someone in my dreams.  They were asking about my blog, and some of the things I write.  They wanted to know if I really thought I was special.  Initially I took their meaning as mundane, trivial, nominal.  I said, of course!  God loves us very much.  If He offers the grandeur of hue to the flower, feeds even birds, as He has suggested, how much more us?  And, as children believe in their parents, I believe in my heavenly Father.  Without reservation, doubt, or blemish, I believe.  Well, that wasn't quite it.  I was asked if I believe that I am more than just the typical person, or sheep of the flock, or trans-, sub-, super-human even, perhaps.  Maybe even the manifestation of War, one of the horsemen, or a sort of prophet. 

Ah, that.  And what I said in the dream is how I really feel about things.  There is some wonder.  No doubts about that.  Simply the number of times I should have, and actually have, died?  It is unreasonable not to be left with wonder.  I have died very hard.  I should have died harder.  That on top of living in a body that has no right to still be living, all on it's own.  I do see things.  I have visions.  Right, true, possibilities?  Some of the things have come to pass, some may be coming true as we speak, and I am pretty sure some things I have seen have no option but to happen.  If I think those things are more for me than for you, or everybody.  I simply don't know.  I doubt that I am truly special, I have no way of deciding if I am anything but human.  Any method possible would be beyond my ability and any who might see the patterns, if such exist, would not tell me the truth... for one reason or another. 

I write.  Stories, experiences, notions, visions, and dreams.  I combine them in a fashion that seems to square enough of the circle, as properly as possible to what conclusions may be gleaned, leaving off some things I don't think should be shared.  I write, sometimes, with the surety of intent, so as to flesh some thoughts and possibilities out.  I do use filler, to cover gaps of knowledge, certainty, possibility.  I didn't tease about wanting the Eucharist to... test some things.  I feared taking it, but had faith in it too.  I am... agnostic about being anything other than an ill, middle aged, slightly curious, sort of man.  But, and more importantly, I explained that, even should I be something like War, or a nephilim, or have some other bit to play?  That makes me no more important than anyone else.  Christ, the most important human, if a trans-human through divine nature, also merely submitted to His part.  How could I ever be more?  Having a part, and in a sense we all do, is not special.  Doesn't make us special.  It is just an opportunity that varies slightly from the roll we are all asked to play, that of a saint.  That is, pretty much, how the dream went.  A confused look on his face, probably mirrored by my own expression.  It's all I've got to offer.

Today?  Ah, urhm...  To the store, hopefully.  Then work on the benchtop.  No other plans.  And I will try to keep it light, beyond that.  I am tired.  I am sore.  But I am, with those givens, in good shape.  I would like to keep it that way.  Today and tomorrow need to be very light.  And I need to keep as cool as possible.  I am right on the edge of having pushed far too hard, even as little as I have done.  As I said, my ability, capacity, is a moving target.  It seems to be fairly low on the horizon, meaning I only get a few shots.  I've used those and then some.  Rest, with just a few chores thrown in.  Later.

Some of it.

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The timer, or one part of it, isn't working.  I have been tinkering with the thing all day, it seems like.  Back it goes.  I will try one more system.  If that doesn't work I will simply do it by hand.  The problem with that isn't the work, the effort, it is remembering.  Well, mostly.  Sometimes I can't do much, but even then, that isn't the work involved.

I have been watching the beginnings of Babylon 5.  I found an order to watch that is supposed to make sense, with enough positive feedback that I trust it.  Not much else today.  While it is less than I had planned, it is more than, after hitting the day, I thought I would get done.  I am so tired.  I suppose the heat has returned, as well.  A few cool days then back to summer.  From what I can tell, it isn't heat, or cool, that will get me.  It's a quick change in weather that will take me down, as well as either extreme.  It just changed and is hitting, if more regular summer, extremes of  heat.  AC helps, but just only so much.  Central air would be nice.  And, yes, it is on the list.  A bit for prep, a bit for this, a bit for that, lists out my ears, but only just so many dollars to go around.

I have to stay awake another hour.  After, finally, giving up on getting the timer to work, I just turned on the front and back yard hoses by hand and will have to turn them off by hand.  At least the garden timer works.  Another episode of Babylon 5, maybe some popcorn, and then to bed.  Good night.

I don't want to go!

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Tired.  Really tired.  I've sort of been pushing.  It's not the big things.  Little things, lots of them.  Projects almost every day, several to many.  Some aren't noted here.  Some were never planned, they just happen as I see them or the thought occurs.  I'm getting ahead of my feet and heading for a stumble.  And yet I need to go to town, for several reasons.  Reasons I can't really negotiate.  I suppose I can, actually.  Perhaps put off shopping until tomorrow and deal with taxes later in the week.  And I may.  Not sure, may not have a choice.

I put the timer contraption together, set it and all.  It takes AA, oddly, and I keep those in stock.  It was simple enough, now to see if it will work.  After that, sanding.  And maybe a bit of other tinkering out there to get my workbench and some other things arranged.  After I get those, and a shower, I will consider the trip to town.  It's just not looking likely.  On the good side, I already have my inspection out of the way.  And I remember where I put the paperwork, if... it is where I remember.  Bleh.

Life is sort of a trap.  If you can't do much, then you are stuck with what you have, and as you are.  If you can do, then you must do.  The world and your stomach demand it.  A wife and children simply add to the demand.  Our very natures claim a chunk of our want for survival, and more.  I suppose there are some who want to simply receive, and do nothing.  And everybody looks at the various ways to the ends and considers which hard paths and which easy paths to attempt.  We can't fight all hard battles all the time.  The option isn't so much an option as an end.  A trap within a trap.

Oh, no complaints.  Just noticing, again, and evaluating it all as I sit here, sitting here.  Stewing about being stuck.  Stuck whichever way I go, whether by choice or not.  Not sure which is the way of being more stuck, having a choice or not.  Never mind.  I'll at least get a couple of chores done today.  Then take the weekend off, save for a shopping trip.  And I will work at getting to sleep a bit earlier.  That might be the full part of my problem, and some of it was my fault.  Later. 

Probably pushing things.

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I couldn't sleep until late last night.  Actually into early morning.  I set the alarm for a seven hour sleep, trying to keep things in check, and did wake, mostly, on time.  But it's a rough morning.  I want to get sanding done shortly, and set up the timer for the lawn.  I may need a battery for it though.  No real problem.  If I get it set up, mechanically, I can get a battery while in town.  Sometimes they are in the package, sometimes not.  Haven't looked yet.

I remember one dream from last night.  Someone was suggesting that something was simply a right.  I told them that it was not a right.  I suggested that it might be a freedom.  I was asked what the difference was.  I told them that a right is something allowed without question or consequence.  Breathing, assuming life, is a right.  Life itself is not exactly a right, save in a philosophical sense.  If faith is had, life isn't a right it is a gift, granted each moment.  But breathing, while that gift is in play, is a given.  That is a right.  A freedom requires due diligence.  You may have a freedom to do something, but you have the responsibilities that go along with it.  If you wish to hike, you should be aware of wildlife, weather, and your fitness level.  If you wish to do almost anything, you need to be responsible for yourself in that regard.  A right, today, confers the notion that you can just do whatever you want.  That isn't how it works.  Death cannot be undone, living with the death of another, caused by your actions, even less so.  And life is life or death.  We, in our luxury, have simply forgotten that.  The learning curve in this regard is going to be very steep when we get to that point.  It is coming.

Oh, today?  Sanding, setting up the lawn timer, checking the plants, then showering and grooming for a trip to town.  Property and vehicle taxes, drivers license, and a trip to the store.  Brisket, beer, bread, perhaps some other meats, a bit of cream, and maybe a few other things.  I'll check the various larders before heading to town.  If I have anything extra to offer, I might try to mix the stain.  I suspect that will be something for tomorrow though.  And I would sorely like to fiddle with the faucet, with the part that had been set aside but might make it work.  We'll see.

Later.