Awake, and just a bit tight.

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I set the alarm for 6:00.  Going to bed at about 22:30, I thought that might be possible.  I was awake too long, and did too much, however.  Rather than fighting with the alarm and probably losing worse on top of waking later and in no condition to do anything, I just turned off the alarm, went back to sleep, and woke when I could.  Right at 9:00, as it turns out.  Good enough.

It looks like it snowed.  Just the tiniest of amounts though.  Just enough to mat into a lattice, perhaps a tenth of an inch?  An eighth?  Just enough to annoy.  Which probably means sweeping, which... is actually harder than shoveling... though maybe with so little snow?  I'll find out soon enough.  While I have no plan to go to town today, I will clear it off just... to keep on top of things.

The dishes were set up last night.  I think they are rather clean, from the first wash.  Still, I'll hit them again and see if I am satisfied.  It would be nice to have them done more quickly, but I hate greasy dishes.  I will probably do these before I hit the snow.  I'd like to see if the sun will work the snow a bit.  After this, or maybe then after this and the snow, then I begin work on the drain.  It may or may not work as I had hoped.  More parts?  Maybe.  I may need to take the length that comes straight out of the wall and loop it back to be closer to the wall again.  Why?  Because otherwise the washer would have to be sideways back there, or stick out from the wall a large bit.  And while their is room for either, they don't conform to my notions of how things should be, look, and perform!  So, no!  Which is fine.  That will be an extremely easy fix as it will be on the pvc section, which would just take a fitting or three, as I have enough drain pipe to do... anything I need.

However far that goes, I should be able to, roughly but surely enough, figure out where the washing machine will go.  At which point, regardless of how else things work, I can level the device...  Urhm, if I can level the device.  The question is whether I really can do it solo, and whether, if I can do it solo, if I can do it solo today.  I am stretched, as to physical strength and endurance.  And I will have cleaned off the snow and done a pile of dishes while hunched over, plus tinkered with the drain, before I get to it.  So... maybe.  If I can't seem to today, I may attempt to level the dryer instead.  It is a lighter device by far.

Yes, Peawee,  I'm working on it.  Gotta deal with reality, a body that has been in moth balls more than half of it's time here, and all else.  I'm doing alright, all said.  And I don't think there is a problem breaking on through to the other side.  I wasn't just called to faith.  Or, maybe I should clarify a call to faith.  Such a call is a call to action.  Contemplation, without action, save in special situations, is not right.  For most, action is as essential as contemplation... when viable in either instance... suffering for the loss of the other is sometimes a price that must be paid due to the vagaries of a fallen world is all.  Anyway, thus, finally, I am back to action.

Hmm... seems a package is in at the post, too.  I may try to get going and get that today while I am at it.  Ugh.  Oh, and I should fix something to eat.  Beef heart with cabbage, in a pressure cooker?  Maybe.  This time I was able to get nearly a whole heart, not just a tiny slab!  That stuff is good, boys and girls!  YUM!  Later.

Hmm? Yeah, probably not.

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Supper arrived.  Lobster rolls.  I eat lobster so rarely I was never willing to risk making such.  What if I didn't like it?  And, beside, ...gone...  Shells wouldn't work.  Thankfully there are adults with clearer minds around this time.  Oh my word was that delicious.  And, doing it that way really stretches that prime scarce meat.  I... do live, and learn, if just as often accidentally as purposefully.  So it has always been, and always will be, I suspect even in heaven.

I did set the dishes up.  There is no way I can plow through them yet tonight though.  I am done.  I won't be cleaning the romaine hearts, I froze some of the meat... chicken.  I found chickens I felt more confident in purchasing, got a pair, and with one I hope to make stock and pull some meat for soup.  Yeah, it's getting that time of year.  I had hoped to pull a duck, and get one going for Christmas.  I just can't quite swing that much work.  With chicken I can make a plain stock and simple soup, something I just wouldn't want to do with a duck.  Perhaps, once I get the appliances leveled, I'll have duck.

I asked my neighbor about help.  He agreed, but then he has a hard time saying no.  I want to try to do the things myself.  Only if I really can't will I arrange for help.

Tomorrow?  A light day.  I am hoping to kick out the dishes, to make room for showering over the next several down days... then attempt assembling the drain... and if those go well, then possibly, leveling the washing machine.  Anything else I might do, workwise, would be to begin washing small batches of clothes.  I have one piece of business to attend tomorrow.  The mortgage needs to be sorted out, again and finally.  If they are going to steel my home for overcharges and such, which I refuse to pay anymore after they refuse to let my band autopay and then they refuse to sent automatic patyment forms....  Their stealing not just from me, but from the government (you), as it is a VA loan (sort of) and it is guaranteed by .gov.  I wonder if this is a going away gift from Zero to some of his cronies, and another plug against vets.  It sure looks like it.  I won't give them a plug nickle more until they send me two forms, with post-it notes simplifying my effort.  One to complete and send in, the other for when they try to screw it over and not allow the first copy to pass for some reason, so I can easily fix their mistake and resend.

Not bad, people.  Not bad.  I am tired.  I'm not sore, yet or now.  Ugh.  I am getting there.  Later.

Every bit of it, and change.

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I wasn't sure.  I got to town at 14:30, 15:30?  Somewhere in there.  The auto's clock is set an half hour fast.  I can't remember if I saw it, the exact time I did see, or... anything.  Pushing, you know.  It tends to muddle.  In any case, my well laid out plan of attack fell apart.  Nothing horrible, just the suggested route did not take into account that some shops close earlier.  Returning packages ended up being first.  I came in on the wrong side of town, so had to wade through traffic.  Loverly when time is ticking and surety isn't to be had.  Then to recycling.  I should have, after delivering the packages, gone on to the dry cleaner but I didn't so shut up and things.  So, I had to run back to the dry cleaner, since I didn't know when they closed.  When I got there, from glomming on gum all morning, and no food, I nearly became ill.  So many things on the mind too.  A brief pause, some fresh air, a cool quiet place to lean over just in case, and it passed.  But dinner had to be next.

And so it was.  In, ate, out.  That is part of why I didn't just not mind missing the noon deadline to be out of the house, I crafted it once all was considered.  I prefer tables.  Booths and the counter seats are simply too small.  And, sometimes, it's nice to eat when it is quieter.  Sometimes the hubbub is cool, sometimes, like today, with so much on my mind and plate, quiet just seemed better.

Then I hit the pharmacy, hardware store, grocery store, and got gas on the way out.  Brother was I tired.  Still, I stopped for mail on my way through town.  Everything is in, groceries are put up, I cleaned the cover for the kitchen light then installed the tubes... all good.  I really am tired.  Dinner is on the way.  After it, and a rest, I am honestly hoping to kick out the last of the dishes.  Just a good wash.  I'll have to see if that is enough.  If so I may rinse and... handle what of them I can before I crash done and finished.  Meh.

I am trying to automate things.  I believe, beside the chore sticks, I may have certain days for certain things.  Like Saturdays for laundry, Friday for sure dishes catch up if needed. Monday linen changes and maybe such and so like that, with random chore sticks to keep the small things in the equation.  Yeah, sure, I don't have everything caught up yet, but I might be able to work things into the routine as I go, and catch up on top of things.  I also checked on the cost for starching shirts... ~$2.50 give or take $.50.  I still want to try a few, but I think, mostly, I will take my shirts in next month and have them ready.  I'm tired of always being behind the ball.  Health is a real reason, but I don't care!  I... want to be seen as a grown up, if it kills me.  Which it won't.

I am beginning to feel a little special.  Not because I am doing the impossible, but because I am simply doing.  And I am still alive, inside, through it.  I'll take that.  It's all I have to give, but it's up for the lowest bidder.  Yeah, it's an... arms race two can win.  Throw in a side of legs, a wing, and a prayer, and it's game on!  *grins*  Later.

What a push!

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Sisyphus and boulder.  I am Sisyphus.  I am the boulder.

Moderns really do annoy me.  On the good side?  While I work with the boulder here, and now, and IN that God's name, they, in Godlessness, will do it for eternity.  I'll... take that bet, and offer wisdom as little as it is heeded.  Just another boulder, of another sort, I must endure in this life.  But for a worthy cause.  Amen.

I finished the dishes.  So many little pieces and bits and, and enough bigger pieces to make it... interesting... in a not so fun way.  Still, I bulldozed through.  Having finished, and set the dishes for a second soak and later wash... which I will set up after I post, I had to work on the drain more.  Plunging, using a tupperware bowl over the breather for the shower drain, over and over.  Giving it a break to fiddle with other things for just a second, then back to it.  Just muscling through isn't always the way.  That finally clearing, I then realized I had to wash the tub.  Yeah.  And I did.  I grabbed the knee pads, cleaner, dish rag, and a big carton of elbow grease.  It's clean(er), and runs  fast(er).  Then a shower.

I sure feel like that should be enough for today.  Then I started getting dressed.  Now I really feel like the day should be already surrendered, into the win pile.  But no.  I called the pharmacy and my scrips are... will be... ready for drive through.  This time my potassium is on 90 day supply, though... we will see.  Potassium and carvedilol, I have the rest.  Ugh.

Anything I am missing?  Gee, I don't know.  I have my list, I have everything I know about packed in the car.  The girls have been fed, watered, their boxes cleaned and stirred well, and are back in from being out just a bit.  Trying to keep on top of things when I am pushing this hard is difficult.

Hmm?  Let me see...  Recycling, pharmacy, hardware, afternoon brunch, dry cleaners, groceries, and then gassing up on the way out of town.  Ugh.  I think I can.  If I can get the boulder rolling downhill...  Wait!!!

Negotiating with reality.

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No, I won't make it out by noon.  I am stuck in the dishes, and having to blast the drain pipes to get that going.  Slow, but I think I have it moving again.  I did the batch of dishes I expected to clean up easily, and they did.  Washed, rinsed, and put up.  Now for the big box of dishes.  Mostly plastic, with various bad actors as far as dishes go, grease, fats, that sort of thing.  It... won't be a wash, and make quick wash again.  I just wish there was an affordable disposable container system I could tolerate, for salad dressing, mayo, and such.  It's a bear to work with.  Though I may... have a trick for that, with the bigger heavier gloves.  Or maybe I will just begin pricing disposables and looking at the comparison.  I wouldn't even mind paper, so long as I could use wrap to moisture and air proof it mostly.  I'll look.

With the dishes, and drain, holding me back, I definitely can't get a shower in until that is finishes, and won't go without one.  Even so, I will get to town today, and I will stop for breakfast, even if a late one.  The eggs didn't work out.  I think I am doing something wrong.  I will review that video.  Oh, and I best call in for medicines.  Maybe even just do a drive-through on that.  Can't say I'm not trying.  I just have a little too much lead in my butt.  I can't do a whole lot about that, either.  Actually, what I am doing, pushing beyond it, IS what I can do about it.  It's just that pushing today won't help today, or tomorrow, or even several weeks from now.  Not ultimately.  It will take a long time of this, as continuous as possible, to see results.  Or die.  *smile*  I'm easy to please, if hard to kill.

I don't know if I mentioned, but upon reviewing led replacements for the fluorescent tubes, I see to have read that the fixture has to be fast-start, or some such.  While I can't figure out what brand of fixture it is (why do they hide that, especially on higher ceiling systems that are already difficult to reach), I was able to clearly read that the fixture, itself, requires fast-start tubes.  So, that will work.  Assuming the whole bar still works.  Hard to know.  I'm not even sure how to open it up to see what I might need to replace.  Bleh.  Still, I may just go with the leds.  If I have to repair the fixture, or replace it, I will do that with the leds in mind.

I'm not complaining, just working, thinking as far ahead as possible, taking rests as needed, and keeping it up.  I think I mentioned, to as much as possible, I would keep at it until the appliances are in and done to my satisfaction.  That is yet to be accomplished.  Yeah, I can do well enough for a dead man.  Actually, you want to know what this was?  A baby coming test.  Huh?  Well, if a she got pregnant, and whether it's a particularly difficult one or not, the rooster has to be able, not just willing, to take over everything.  He won't do well.  Mothers, sisters, in-laws and not, can fill some of the gap, but he has to... do what it takes for as long as it takes.  This was a stress test.  I'm not finished yet.  In some ways, I will never be finished until I nap cold.  Even then, not so much.  Some suggest I write it off.  If I didn't struggle with celibacy so greatly I probably would.  Not that anything will come of it, just that if the opportunity becomes real, I will fill that role... and some other things.

A bit of music, a bit more tea, maybe a peek at gab, then back to the chain gang of one.  Later.

I suppose it is about time to get started.

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Sure, a bit later.  Compared to from when I woke to when I will be getting started, today over yesterday.  But I woke at least four hours earlier, so adding a few hours from wake to work still puts me ahead.  I may not feel it, or look it, but I R!

I have several incentives.  I have several things blocking my way forward.  In the "against" column, I have loads of dishes to do at least once.  And if some of them are clean enough this round, I will have to rinse, dry, and put them away (the rules these days, even if they suck I like the rewards).  The others can be sorted and put back into the plastic bin, removed for my shower, then put back in to a fresh soak after I finish with the space.  Then, of course, is the shower to take.  Not a hair day, which makes it easier.  Still, running on fumes and prayers makes every task... a bit of a pinch.  The hope is, if I keep trying, some day it won't be so much of a pinch.  It was a long way down, it's a longer way up, and age isn't on my side.  Don't bitch about the hand you were dealt, just play it.  Oh, and I just put on a dozen eggs.  I am hoping these come out better than the last effort.  These are my least fresh eggs, but aren't too old even so.  Still, when the fridge is old it kills things quickly.  I may peel a few, after they finish and I cool them.  If they aren't good, end.  If they are good, but aren't peeling well, I will set them aside until I return and try then.  Blah.

On the good side?  Even with eggs coming out, and perhaps edible, I still plan on a breakfast in town, probably right before hitting the dry cleaner and the test of the track from there.  Depending on the time.  Just a breakfast.  They were good to me last time.  Though the chicken took a little longer, I had the sense that they were cleaning the oil.  Just for me?  Maybe, though just as likely because that is how they do.  The chicken didn't have an off taste.  The other place is corporate, this is private, there is a difference.  Anyway... whether I eat there or somewhere else depends upon time, or how busy the place(s) are.  But I have to be out by noon for me to allow that... before noon technically.  As well, on the good side, everything is in the vehicle, ready to go.  Further, if I finish just the town run, start to stop, even if I do, or can do, nothing else today?  I am good with that and will sleep well.  If I suspect, even if maybe not until later, I will do more work today.  Heck, I saw the stove top was getting a little rough, so while prepping the eggs, I hit the stove with clean and water and soap and neat.

Eggs are doing, cooling actually.  I am hoping a couple are good.  Will have two, just to get me going and out the door, I hope.  Yeah, I am hungry for work.  Would have rather been engineering, R&D really, but... I've got what I've got.  Later.

Good morning.

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Yeah, up early.  Especially since, with all the later work I couldn't get down until after 1:00.  I didn't want to lose my days, so when I woke at about 5:30, I decided to fight for it.  I may need a nap later.  And I might work a little slower.  I am up.  Painpills first thing.  It doesn't feel terrible, but that might be because I've had mind-numbing amounts of too little sleep.  Pain could well be heading down the synaptic pipeline to the brain behind this post, just at leviathan synaptic firing speeds.

It's a quite time to be about.  Even the girls aren't quite fussing yet.  The only thing I didn't do, that I had hoped to do and written about, was to bring the trash bin back from the curb.  Not a problem though, I'll get that when I go to town.  I may hit the dishes shortly, so I can set them out and take a shower, then put them back in for another soak or rinse, depending on how naughty or nice they have been.  I feel as if I am about to catch back up to where I was.  Maybe and more.

Parts, grocery shopping, and I think I'll call in medicine for pickup.  If I can get the plumbing going for the drain, I probably still can't do dishes.  Usually the various goops require some time to cure.  I can finish up dishes, clean some in the kitchen, maybe take a nap if needed, prep the laundry as I may just push that through before leveling... or perhaps leveling will go ahead in time.  Either way, having the laundry arranged for easy loading will simplify the process and allow me to see just how much this machine can take, load size wise.

All assuming there is even anything left after dishes, the shower, and then the trip to town.  Let me see... filling up the gas tank, recycling, the hardware store, the pharmacy, the dry cleaner, and then the store?  It isn't even a straight shot.  I have multiple projects needing the hardware store, so I best remember my list.

Oh, I have gotten my feet and legs in pretty good shape by hard scrubbing, but I think there is a... reduction in returns upon repeats at this point.  I have removed the scales, opened the skin for breathing and all so as to repair much more easily.  Now I need to keep using moisturizing soap on them, but otherwise letting them just heal.  I might use the scrubber on the heels and bottoms of my feet.  But only as maintenance.  Those, for the first time in a very long time, are looking and feeling... almost human.  They are still a bit dry, and for medical reasons probably always will for the rest of this life.  But just a bit.  Given the givens, that's as good as it will get and I'll take it.

Breakfast?  You know, I may just use that as incentive to get in to town a bit earlier.  By noon and it's... on me!  Good morning, and day.  *tips hat*

Okay, a bit of bragging. And more.

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I really didn't think I would get to much.  I was trying to triangulate a path.  I just couldn't see it.  Sometimes that is enough to shut me down.  I gave up trying to mentalize it, deciding to just take one step at a time, each step it's own, and go where it took me.  A shower first.  Wonderful, terrific, relaxing, cleaning, pleasant, and some other things I can't remember off-hand.  I am not sure where next, but I think I collected the parts for return or insurance of fit.  I bagged those, then set them with the slacks and packages to go.  Then found my car keys, lit the auto up to pull her out of the garage... it's the only way I could load, easily, the bulk I had to put in.  Each and every went in.  Oh, and another piece from the hardware store... a flexible drain pipe elbow.  That is where the problem is.  I will try to fix that myself, with this idea I ran across while reviewing other problems.  Yeah.

Having done everything that way that I could remember, and completed my list for sure for shopping tomorrow, I looked around the kitchen.  Ah!  A pot of beans needed to be taken out and dumped, as well as some seaweed stuff.  After that, I filled the bigger tub with hot soapy water, then filled the big pot with both soap and smaller items, then the saute pan I had used recently, plus smaller items in it too.  Lots of dishes, I am really behind.  With these done, however, I will be back to near flush.  And I'll want to him them tomorrow, so as to get a shower in.  Then set them up for another wash or a rinse, as is needed.  Then it's a straight shot in to town.  Dumping the recycling first, I simply don't have room for much real shopping.  Then back to the hardware store, then the dry cleaner, and then the grocery store.  Oh, and I best stop for gas.

That may be it for tomorrow.  Though I may have a bit more when I get home.  If so?  Dishes or possibly the drain for the washing machine.  Perhaps both but I won't promise either singularly.  A day off after that.  I have to take it off, I am well beyond... anything I have ever known since becoming ill.  Weird things are happening.  I think it's good, but best to be a bit cautious at this point.  Then to leveling appliances, doing dishes, and doing laundry as I may, with that priority pattern, with first being highest.

More time, longer, not fast enough.

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I have limits.  I have crossed those limits.  I keep going anyway.

It took forever to get the last of the boxes.  That isn't all of the boxes, that is all of the boxes I emptied and had set in the kitchen, off in a nook, when clearing space for the appliances.  Well, and some boxes that have arrived since.  Always more.  Oh, and styrofoam boxes from various things.  Taking the labels off actually took a lot more time than anticipated.  They aren't put on to be easily removed, and for good reason.

Currently, the various materials are stacked and ready to be taken to the vehicle.  I think it will all go in, with room for the returns and myself.  As well, I will be taking in a couple pair of slacks for drycleaning.  I would like to take in some shirts, for starching, though I think I will ask about costs first.  The slacks I have no choice regarding.  The shirts... I can live with mild wrinkles if need be.  Or, perhaps in time, learn to starch them myself.  If I do such, I will also learn to change right away, and hang everything up, as soon as I return from a dress event.  Hmm... I suppose I will want plastic covers for things too.  It does help.  Perhaps even layers of protection.  Dust, and all else, really is difficult to defend against.

I still wish to shower, set up that big load of dishes, haul the various items to the vehicle, and bring in the trash bin.  I am slowing though.  I am not sure I can get it all done.  I'll give it a go, at least a shower.  Maybe all of it, who knows.  I rewrote the list.  Oh, and I better at least pull the parts I need to return and which I could use to figure out the right parts to buy.  Yeah... it is sort of messy to try to do so many things at once, while I am tired from the day and overly tired from a longer term work order.  Still... I have to keep trying, keep at it, or I'll never be able to rest comfortably.

Even after I finish these things, then leveling the appliances?  While I get to take some time off for bad behavior, I have so much to finish in the house still that the break will be as short as possible, if as long as needed.  A strange new mix for me.  It is wonderful though.  I like to work until I can't, keep going, and find out that I really can roll on past... the impossible.  Good night, for I don't think I'll be back on... unless I do finish AND feel the need to toot my own horn just a touch.

Not today.

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Which, as it turns out with, and surprisingly, I am fine with it.  I simply can't make it to town today.  The late start was not helpful, but wasn't the only problem.  I simply had too much to do, and much of that was more involved than I had anticipated.  However, there was some good learning and good work done.  More?  I am not finished.  The problem is that I cannot shower, and get all else arranged and loaded up, in time to make it to the UPS.  While I could make the parts and grocery store, and who knows I may even go for that... or not.  I hate making back to back trips to town.  Though I do have a lot to do in town, so it might not be a bad plan.

Yet to do is to finish tearing down and removing the labels from the boxes as needed.  Taking a shower then setting up the next batch of dishes.  Then dressing and putting the boxes and styrofoam, whatever will fit, into the auto.  If there is an issue with having too much, I might have a trick to turn that into one trip.

It would be good to have new bulbs in the kitchen, though who ever knows if that is the real, or only, problem.  I believe, since that is a pretty dark room, only getting natural light, and weakly, in the afternoon and later... plus this area being more winter than summer by far, I will be going with full spectrum.  Now, I may be able to go led.  I will probably start out with a couple of sets of regular bulbs, if the system seems to work, I may purchase the led for the next change, or even sooner.  At least for the kitchen that would make sense.  My kitchen overheads are on full time, while I am awake.  They just are, so stuff it.  It really isn't for the savings, though, that I would go with leds.  It's that they last much longer, and are simply much more hardy.  Well, and they can be tinkered with, in theory, to change the light.  Though that might be a downfall, if I can't get them full spectrum?  I'll do more research and ask while there.  Though all things from employees must be taken with a massive grain of salt.  No hate, just truth.

I'll keep at it.  I need a break after digging through most of the boxes, coming right on the heels of opening up the overhead light box in the kitchen, having to had to dig through boxes that had started being put there so as to find tools elsewhere.  UGH!  Hmm, maybe a salad.  You know, canned tuna, if it's the better kind, might go well with salads.  So would cold meat leftovers, if I had some.  Bleh.  I best check the meats in the fridge.  I hope they aren't over-ripe.  Gah!  GAH!

I'll... eat something, rest, but I think I can pretty much be set up for a quick run to town tomorrow.  *sigh*  Later.  Oh, but... more painkillers.  It's just the way it's gotta be.

Ugh!

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It took a while to wake.  It took a while longer to get to some tasks.  The few tasks done seemed to take forever.  I collected all to be returned, packaged and labeled the packages, then hit the dishes I had left soaking last night.  Next, after a break... yeah, I know... shouldn't need a break but there it is... I will get a shower in, then begin breaking down boxes.  Finally, I'll find a few parts I want to return, and part I need to ensure I get the right parts this time, and then begin loading it all up.

I had a list of groceries and sundry, but... can't seem to find that.  Makings for mirepoix, which I know, milk if that might not have been on the list, more lettuce and good cabbage if they have it... last time it was all looking bottom-of-the barrel.  Oh, and light tubes for the kitchen.  Bleh, one more thing to tinker with and dismantle.  At least I am tall enough that it isn't too much of a hassle.  It's getting a tube in, without breaking it.  Though maybe I will, while on break, do a quick check on just what numbers to look for to determine replacements for fluorescent tubes.  If I learn that, and practice, maybe it will become second nature?

UGH!  Life can be so hard sometimes.  Nothing is easy, nothing is simple, nothing just works, or at least when I have pushed beyond my element... which often just means getting out of bed!  Oh well.  I will keep at it.  I will never, ever, get it all done.  I won't even catch up.  I can see why people like to bury themselves in office work.  Though, even that, in time, seen with understand, is beyond control.  It is simple enough to bury oneself in, however.  UGH!

Well, I best look that tube id thing up, then finish my rest period, then get going.  Good day.

Late.

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I was up a bit late finishing things and eating.  Not that late, or too late, I thought.  I was wrong.  Fine, fine, live and learn.  And I did want to finish the things I finished, and more actually.  The salad was okay, but if you have ever made your own dressing, you know that letting it sit and meld for some decent number of hours but even better overnight is the best way to go.  Still, I finally made mayo and then dressing after hankering for it for... a while now.  I had a plate of it this morning too.  Much better.

I need to get the returns packed and ready this morning.  Then grab the parts to be returned and the to be used to ensure I am getting the right pieces.  I need a galvanized pipe (or fitting and length of pipe) which has a female to straight pipe, and just a short length of pipe, then a rubber fitting and the glue they use for that.  The rest I should have.  With pvc, you can cut it with a number of tools.  Still, I want to find my cutter before I go to town.  I suppose the sawsall or one of the other saws would work, but I never can get it just straight and often have the ends splinter.  I finer toothed saw, I suppose, but....  I thought I WAS using such last time.  *sigh*

If I can get these things figured out and arranged in a short enough order, I hope, after a shower again today, to break down a bunch of boxes and put some of those and the styrofoam in the auto for a one-way trip to recycling.  Three or four itches are attempted to be scratched at once.  Not sure it will work out, will see.

I've already gulped down my hand of painkillers for the morning.  If all goes well I should be good for the day unless I find the strength and/or will to do work when I return.  If so, probably another handful of painkillers.  I have bruises everywhere.  When I move I move, but walls don't always join me.  And parts of this house are stone.  They move even less.  But muscles have been pushed, flexibility has been shoved, on top of various bruising.  All good, just a note.

Well worth it.  If I can do just those things, I will sleep exceedingly well tonight.  If I can toss in some dishes, set up the drain, and perhaps level one of the appliances?  I will be in, if not seventh, third or fourth heaven?  And I will sleep well.  Tomorrow will have to tend itself.  Though, maybe, if the washer is up and leveled tomorrow, I might be able to do the dryer or stove depending on my pain tolerance, then finish the dishes, and then beat back some of what is encroaching on what I had finished in order to get the appliances in.

I might really be losing, but I won't give up easily.  Even if it kills me.  Though... I would like to see it try.  Again, again, again, again, again, again.  *rictus grins*  Later.

What in the world takes so long!?!

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I thought making mayo, then dressing, doing a couple of trays of dishes, and cleaning the romaine would be a snap.  While I didn't race through it, I didn't shirk at all.  A normal pace, which was quicker than slow.  Just doing that has cost me most of my evening.  The only thing else I will do is finish the lettuce.  I have found that keeping it in a bunch buys some time to work on it.  Then it needs to be leafed out, wrapped in paper towels in groups of about that size, then put into bags.  At which point it lasts, say, another three to four days or more.

Beside running out of time, I am rather tired.  It didn't seem like that much work.  I suppose standing, and stooping to do dishes, simply added up in taking two hours, give or take.  Yeah, I'll finish with the romaine.  I might even hit the last small batch of dishes.  If that works, I'll put in the big batch to an overnight soak.  But that's it kids.

On the other hand, I think it took every trick I have in my inventory, from painpills and twice today, to extra heat, to timing things and resting between as needed.  I might be a bear, but this is hibernation season... or some shorter term equivalent.  I am pushing, and it is wearing on everything.  But I have to continue to do so until I can sleep with a good conscience.  I am well and truly stuck between a rock and a hard place.  I best figure it out or the simple stress of pushing without success will get to me just as surely as just working too long.  It might even be worse, somehow.  You can always stop working, but you, or I, can't always stop thinking.

Yeah, I best get those last things out of the way.  Any trash I might have wanted out, if I can't do it tomorrow before they arrive that is just the way it goes.  Same with recycling, if I am pretty sure I can't do that in the morning before they arrive.  I would only have one bag, and a small one, to go for that, so I really don't care.  I am really hoping to get any and all other trash together and out though.  Ugh.

Good night.

It's a good thing I looked things up.

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Pvc to metal... you don't use threaded connections.  They seem to be wrong, at that store, every time.  It might be directed though.  Which means another trip to town.  I need a rubber fitting, and length of galvanized with a female end and just a short length of straight pipe to bring it away from the wall.  Yeah.  I can return some parts, if I'm not sure I have the receipt.  Perhaps they will do an exchange.  I guess he either isn't an expert, not a good one, or really doesn't want to be helpful.

I did put some dishes in.  I may yet finish those two small loads, from washing perhaps twice if needed, to rinsing, to drying and putting up.  Maybe.  I hope so, so as to put a larger load of dishes in.  I may do another run on trash, just collecting the little baskets, or parts here and there.  As well as getting a couple of leftovers that are past their prime on out while I am at it.  Recycling too, if there isn't much, as mentioned, I may see how much cardboard I can take apart and set out.

It's not what I wanted.  It simply has to do.  I wish I could do research ahead of time.  But getting into the store this last time was already pushing beyond my means.  Sometimes I will fall short.  I also plan on making fresh mayo and another batch of ranch dressing.  Though I have heard it isn't so much spices that I might have been missing, but dehydrated onion bits?  I may make a small batch just with that, instead of with the pack, to compare.  Yeah... whatever.  I just like to cut my costs and reliances on store-bought goods.

Actually, I'll get right to that.  I want a salad tonight.  It's not fancy, but I have been hungering for one for a while.  When shopping, I got everything but lemon juice.  Tonight, I asked the neighbors, and they had some they were willing to part with!  So I can get mayo and dressing going.  Yeah... I'm not doing great, not getting it all, but I seem to figure out where I went wrong and fix it when I finally can.  Life is hard, I seem to be weak, fall down all the time.  I will keep getting up, when I can.  Yeah, salad dressing and on to a bite more, then on to those other things.  Good night.

Nearly noon. Time to start doing something.

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Yes.  I don't have much going.  I don't feel it.  Then again, I am not in pain.  I am not exhausted.  I just... don't feel anything.  I may take some aspirin, turn up the furnace, get the trash together and out, then take a shower.  I think I can do that before needing a break.  I am feeling nominally better in that I am not hurting everywhere.  If too that is just because of aspirin and is about to fail.

After those things, I'll do a bit of research regarding a specific sort of pvc, and how to connect it to metal fixtures and itself.  I think I have it down, generally.  It is just that sometimes specifics for a specific device or application is slightly or greatly different.  Just take the time to look.  It will cost you more time, overall, if you do it right, than just going for it.  But one major mistake might not just cost you more time, but your life.  In this case, most likely, it wouldn't cost my life.  But it could leave me with a nasty lot of cleanup, the potential for mold, a machine that can't be used until all else is fixed... so, just do it right up front, as well as that is possible.

I should be able to get the drain working rather quickly, then set the washing machine up.  I may try to level it.  It will be the most difficult of the leveling tasks.  If I can do it, I will feel much more comfortable trying the others.  When I hit the next appliance, it will be the second most difficult, the range.  If it goes easily enough, if I can do it without too much fuss, if I have energy left, I will start in on the laundry tonight, and just maybe give the stove a shot.  Though I will set up dishes first, then consider either of those other projects.

I know have a drying rack, so if the fluff doesn't dry fast enough, I can do that until my nerves are shot, move some or all of that to the air drying rack, and continue.  I am excited to see how this new machine does.  It will only do smaller loads, but... that isn't all bad.  It is much easier to dry on air, air dry to start, and fold and put away, smaller doses.  I may have to only do a wool blanket at a time, though perhaps two will work.  Dunno, will find out more through experimenting and research.

Right... about some other things?  Organization is being handled, or attempted.  Some of it will have to be simply done, some of it might be helped by tech.  So I have been viewing videos regarding this.  Oh, well, this mother seems to have gained my attention.  One was just funny, though she seems rather humorous.  Or is able to put it in a way that I can enjoy.  This one caught my attention because sometimes I am like my own parent, and sometimes I am like the kid.  Well, and it just seemed to possibly make sense, even without knowing much.

Youtube has done wrong.

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Now, actually, I have two accounts with them.  More by accident than anything.  My blogging account is the one that went wrong.  It seems they are pushing videos I don't want to see.  Is it the ones they are being bribed to push?  Are they agenda videos they want on my blog?  In any case, I don't care.  I will simply stop using youtube on that account.  If they poison the other account I will stop using them altogether.  Though I may stop using videos from them on here.

Tech giants just haven't learned from this last election.  Trump didn't win, we did.  And we are just beginning.  If you want to be a robber baron do NOT cross everybody.  If nobody is in your corner, or on your side, and you are trying to screw everybody?  You WILL lose.  Actually, they DID lose.  Not to Trump, to us.  And they better play nice, because if they unleash and continue to attack, we will get a bigger fucking stick.  Quietly, but surely, we will destroy them and theirs.  They are on the wrong side of history and the big wave hasn't even hit yet.  And Trump isn't it.  Duck, bitches.

Waking sore.

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Since this has become so regular and severe, until I heal a bit I am taking a handful of anacin per morning, and maybe a second dose later.  I am tired of being that sore.  Usually suffering through it fixes it fairly quickly.  Perhaps when I have finished the tasks appointed and necessary, then caught the place back up, I will then take some time off and just suffer.  But, for now, being stuck between the larger part of the major push and the smaller part of what is left to do, to continue I will simply have to change my methods.  If the pain pills do their work, I am hoping to install the washer discharge pipe, take a shower, set up a large load of dishes and probably hit them once... though finishing them completely would be better, and then get the trash out.  And, then, get to bed on time to be ready for tomorrow.  To finish the shopping list and begin leveling appliances.  Once those are done, moving on to evening out the cave to where it was on delivery day.

I want this all done this week, so I can take the weekend off, with a clear conscience, and decide, next week, whether to take that week off too or whether I can begin digging beyond where I got.  I am on the cusp of failure or epic, for me, success.  I am carving a place out of the world with a seemingly, or mostly, dead blade of flesh.  It is more will than physics.  I'll take what I can get.  By February I hope to have the cave cleaned, the plumbing handled, and be keeping things up.  Then, later, sometime this spring, get a few estimates on new kitchen flooring as I tinker in the en suite.  I want that finished by fall, and the floor as soon as possible.  All that and keeping the cave in decent shape.

As I do those things, I will be working with foods.  From at home whole wheat processing methods, to low carb high fat (which I am still mostly on), and back to intermittent fasting and bone broth foods.  I think I can.  It is possible.  We'll see.  Painkillers, for the morning, though.  No choice if I want to do more than just suffer at intentions.  Pain, lately, is severe enough that it is sapping my will.  I must treat it, in the short term, and as needed.  Got to admit though, it is better to feel anything, even pain, than to be numb.  Life, in a fallen world, is a grouping of limited choices, or options more like, not all of them in your hands to choose, not the gooder ones.  Later.

Not much done.

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I even crumbled and had to take a nap earlier.  I couldn't get to anything major.  However, I didn't collapse into a heap of sleeping bear again.  I honestly didn't think I'd make it past 14:00 or 15:00.  Here it is, after 19:00, and I'm still awake.  It is nearing bedtime in a terrible hurry.  Which, given all, I can take.  I'll get back to work when I can.  Today just wasn't it.  I really have ripped my body apart to get to where I am.  And while things are sliding, they... haven't collapsed either.  Still, I have to seek windows of opportunity with all haste and perhaps, again, outside of what I think is possible.  I don't want to lose my hard won gains.

Dreams.  I can sense when they are probable.  Maybe terrible, maybe just powerful.  I will be confronting my failed corpse, and even maybe death, each in some form or other.  More, she might be in there.  She... wants love.  But she wants to make sure whoever it is that requests it of her can face pain, death, even her.  She is more terrible, in ways.  Death is not an option, and she will harden any man... who becomes her other part.  She doesn't even know it, few women do.  But she is brutal.  It has been breed into them from great pain and the harsh realities of life.  Lovely, and just as painful as a rose, stem and all.  Don't go in there without expecting to be crowned with thorns.  Whether I remember is another thing.  Might even end up with a bloody nose.  Dragons, and their spawn, know when they are going home.  Still... I won't complain.  This is what I was made for, each and every pain develops strength.

A bit about steak, and more.

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Okay, the new steak preparation method was put into action.  I had a problem though.  I had two steaks which were pretty much the same size which went into the oven at 225 F.  One got to the stated goal of 125 much quicker than the other.  I kept them in the oven until they split the difference, turned off the oven, and took the hotter one out to begin grilling, leaving the second one to bake just a bit longer.

Even in the 20's, or lower, I was easily able to get the charcoal chimney hot, and quickly.  The cast worked well, I just just a bit more careful... which probably isn't a bad thing when working with temps like that.  Being that the steaks were an inch and an half or so, I took a little more time with them.  After finishing the first I started on the second one.  Quite nice really, and that goes quickly.  Without light I was mostly going on smell, instinct, and the weak flashlight I had with me.

I did let them rest for at least five minutes.  I didn't open up both of them, just the one I ate.  The other one will be warmed to be eaten with eggs tomorrow.  Yeah.  As to great?  I just wasn't extremely happy.  Don't get me wrong, it wasn't bad.  It just wasn't even what I get at better restaurants.  There was a time when I could do that.  Perhaps I just, no longer, have access to that grade of steak?  Maybe my taste buds are off?  I can't be sure.

The fat on steaks doesn't seem as good as it used to taste, as I recall.  I purchased this steak fresh, for this example, meaning at the store.  If it is Mexican beef, that might be the problem.  Though I am suspicious about even American beef.  First, is it what they say it is or do they swap it out, selling the good stuff elsewhere, or are they breeding along government lines which precludes properly fatted beef?  I just don't know anymore, can't trust anyone, no bureaucrats, especially the FDA.  They have almost no oversight anymore, and with all the bigger meaner bureaucracies going so wrong, they seem to get away with anything this brownout government chooses to shove.  It's all gone bad, or at least should make you nervous.  Then again, so many have bought into the notion, by the government, that animal fat is bad for you, that waking people up from that is a whole other battle.

Since sleep didn't happen, yet...

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I decided to research feeding and backing with sourdough starter.  I have heard that it is, or can be, quite a task.  Why?  I didn't know.  My foster mother used it up in the mountains, but it wasn't a part of my chores.  She seemed stressed by it.  Given what I have seen on the videos, I understand.  While we had ice, that didn't last all that long.  With no electricity there was no other refrigeration.  So in warmer days, keeping up on the feeding and handling of sourdough could seem as much work as fiddling with an extra child.

Welllll....

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I can't be sure how much longer I made it past the blog post.  I only know that, at some point, everything fell.  I crashed so hard and fast I probably left a crater in my bed.  I woke at 10:00.  Here, nearing noon, and I may crash again.  I just, something is off?  Am I just tired?  I really can't be sure.  I turned up the furnace, so it isn't being too cool.  I know my body, deep inside, is exhausted.  I keep using energy reserves I really don't have, or not near the surface.  It is painful and tires me in such a deep and serious manner.  I guess I can't complain, I have really done well and push past that up to know.  A minor slip isn't an issue.  I have far to go, even yet and so.  And I will get back to it.  If the body needs some extra sleep, over the weekend, I can do that.

I have been watching shows.  Through amazon prime I can access other subscriptions.  I have been testing them.  The ones that have seemed reasonable, the little ones, I have used for a month or two each.  Now I have canceled those and moved on to the big boys.  They really just trade the same movies, mostly, back and forth.  By the end of the month, or within two, I will have, pretty much, watched everything that is out there on streaming.  Most of it is... not the best.  There are a few shows to cut the edge a bit.  A movie twice a week to twice a day on rest days and I go through them quickly.  Some aren't finished.  Many aren't finished.  I even watch the ones I finish in segments.  Some of that is me, some of that is the lack of interest in cinema.  Oh, old movies I loved as a kid?  Yeah, cinema usually doesn't age well...  Very few are worth a second look.

I have been reviewing methods of keep the cave up, keeping a bit more on top of life, and cooking.  A sort of thing I have been curious about is how to handle wheat in such a way that I might be able to have bread or rolls or such once in a while.  The first step is grinding your own wheat.  I have an electric grinder, and mean, in time, to get a mechanical metal one.  Mixing grains is another idea... say hard winter white in the main, with a small part of rye, spelt, and another into the blend.  Why?  Slightly increased proteins, or for taste, or several other reasons.  Then, there is treatments of the grains either before or after grinding, or even a mix of those methods.  Soaking grains is one, but seems to be the least effective... soaking grains or wheat berries, some such.  The other two methods do work better and are... well, I can't say they are easier, just more common.

The sourdough process is quite popular.  It is probably the most popular method of handling home ground wheat.  I have not done any of these, though I have partaken of these products and methods... more as a side than as a regular thing, so far.  The other method, probably second in common use, is sprouting, then drying, the berries.  I must admit I am curious about combining the methods.  To be honest, both are a lot of work, coming from eschewing breads and before that just buying bread at the store.  It's a lot of work.  Either process alone has a learning curve, and then some constant upkeep, AND THEN the baking process with it's own vagaries and demands.  Still...  My goal, in time, is to combine these two methods, though start just with grinding and sourdough, then, after I am in that saddle well enough, to move on and add the sprouting method as well.  It may end up that it doesn't make a spit of difference, one or any of it.  Or one, the other, or both, may end up allowing me to have a loaf of bread or giant's paw full of rolls per week.  Worth it?  Only one way to find out.  Here is a vid by a woman who uses both of these methods.  I wish they had taste-o-rama.  I am curious about that.  Maybe it doesn't even taste a bit different from other breads.  Though a good fresh bread is... pretty darned good.

Awake!

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I have been setting my alarm of late.  Not just in an attempt to wake in a timely fashion, but also as a grab at sleeping long enough.  It is no guarantee.  It will allow me to monitor sleep, in the short range of a few days.  As worn as I am I truly want a full eight hours if I can push that through.  If I need ten hours I will take that.  My body is tired.  I need at least eight, so I plug for it.  I was able to stay down until the alarm went off this morning, unlike yesterday.  But I had things to do yesterday, even if that fell through.

Oh, sure, I have things to do today as well, but not by office hours of town businesses... unless I find out the UPS store operates on Saturday?  Even so, it just seems different today.

My list of things to do keeps getting bigger.  At least before I can take some time, real steady extended time, off.  I need to clear and clean back to where I had it when the appliances arrived.  I want to break boxes down, and get those and whatever styrofoam I can into the auto for my next trip in town.  Boxes and styrofoam have started to retake territory, especially as I have needed to dig for tools and still receive boxes!  Tribbles?  I am starting to wonder.  As well, just getting in to do dishes.  I really... just... have to do that.  The long thick rubber gloves I purchased will make that a lot easier.  My hands are still a bit over-dry from extended cleaning and harsh ingredients.  But those gloves make the work... nice.  Dope the gloves with baking powder or soda and you don't sweat, even in hot water.  Oh, and cleaning goop(tm) out of bowls and pans that have sat for too long is much easier.  It's still not quite fun, but... or perhaps yet?  Well, it depends on if their is a nasty odor.  That is a serious killjoy.

Yeah, but, for now, just getting started on anything is becoming a brutal push.  I have used up all of my natural energy.  I have scrounged and manipulated for advances in energy.  While I have been burning that energy, I have damaged myself... pulling and tearing muscle, bruising clean to the bone as I do things with uninhibited gusto, pushing beyond anything I have done in a very long time, and... even so... continuing, even if just in my mind, to push against the walls.  I... understand my problems completely.  And, as with when I was young, and drop-shipped into hell, it doesn't much concern me.  I am back on duty.  Curious to see if it kills me.  I've always like playing with fire, that my friends is my gig.

The lobster was perfect, by the way.  She, or they, had never cooked it before.  They were live.  I asked if they heard them scream.  Sometimes yeah, sometimes nay, I guess.  Not this time, I was told.  It's just their shell, but it truly unnerves some folk.  I should have warned.  I have heard clipping the tips of the claws helps, though maybe not for that?  I haven't put two and two together, through learning, before the last time I cooked them myself.  Delicious.  Sweet meat butter spunge lollipops.  With baked mac and cheese on side, fancified, and a very nice side of green beans and onions, done just right.  Once every few years is as good as I can do for a meal such as that.

Still burning up.

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As I wrote, it really isn't a fever.  It's more like that feeling you get when you have worked out, perhaps in the cold, a bit too long.  Splotches of overheated skin, that runs a bit deeper than the top layers.  I don't have nausea, or muscle tightness, or other issues that would go with the flu or a cold.  I have the furnace turned down as low as I dare.  Frozen pipes just don't sound fun this time of year.

I haven't been able to get to much.  I think that my plans washed away with the rain and threat of a freeze, I just lost the wind from my sails.  I may just go take a nap.  Or not.  My body is tired, but with things left to do my mind has a difficult time settling.  Even when I choose not to take unnecessary risks, I really would rather be out.  I can't lead my life according to feelings.  It's a business, sort of, really.  And, yet, a business is based not just on risk taking, but more on risk assessment.  I do not wish to be stuck in town, or worse in a ditch, for something that has a bit more time.  I have had to learn to be patient, I have never learned to like it.  All good though.  If you liked everything, where would the fun be in that!?!

On the other side, I really need to find a way to back down.  But I can't quite do that until I get these jobs done.  I am wearing thin, but can't relax until it is finished.  So...  Still, risk assessment.  I may take a nap.  If I can.  I can get to the other stuff when I have regained my footing.  The heart does feel tired but it has been much more tired before.  I still think there was a time or dozen where I died for short periods, just because of the lack of treatment.  Odd that I didn't stay dead.  Sometimes I seemed to have fought it, others times not so much.  I just think it did happen.  Now, with some treatment, and knowledge, I don't get that close anymore.  Probably until the final time, unless I get hit by a meteor or bus or something.  But I do know that sort of sensation.  It's just much milder these days, and I have been able to work through it fairly well.

Later.

Ah, well.

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So much for going to town.  I can get everything ready.  I can go on to do other things.  I just will not go out there.  Raining.  Which is fine, except when I know it is right on the verge of freezing.  Yeah no.  Whether in an hour, ten minutes, or three hours, it is going to freeze.  It wasn't just sprinkling, it was a hard rain.  Yeah, no.  Will. not. go.  Can't make me.  I'll put in a prayer for those poor souls who have to be out.  Oh yes I will.  Sure, It might not freeze for another four hours, or eight, who knows.  I don't have to go out that bad.  I'll survive.

I figure I will still get a shower in.  Then move on to tinker with the stove.  I am hoping to level it.  It will be a bit of a trick to do that solo.  It's not... extremely heavy.  It is just, truly, a handful.  How to tip it so that it is steady.  Then how to get back there, where it will be placed.  Or will I have to pull it out, balance it somehow, level it roughly, put it back in place, and carry on moving it back and for until settled?  Ugh.  It will be a lot of work, one way or another.  The dryer will be easier.  It, too, is rather light.  But it isn't in a tight space, and on slats on top of that.  The washing machine will be more difficult.  While is has lots of open space, it weighs a ton.  I may just do the stove, then make a stab at putting the drain pipe in, then the dryer if I have energy left, if I even get through those things.

Perhaps I could get some help leveling the washing machine.  With too people it isn't that difficult.  But it is time consuming, especially for three machines, one of which is in a tight space, and up on slats.  When these are done, and the returns and last of my shopping is finished, I can take a break of about a week.  Some small cleaning, but a clear mind that I have done... what is right, what should be done, that I have completed my promise.

Hmm, never did get a cup of joe.  I think it's time.  Later.

If you digitized fire?

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I've got something running through my veins, over my flesh, and right into the immortal parts.  It isn't exactly shoving me to action.  But that I will be doing things in my condition...  I am bleeding heat like a blast furnace gone too far.  I wouldn't quite call it a fever though.  It's not causing me illness.  Hmm, yes, electrical fire.

Awake and feeling it.

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I suppose if I want to recover I did too much yesterday.  Wonderful!  No, I mean it, mostly.  I woke several times in the night, then upon waking this morning, all with one similarity.  It hurt.  What hurt?  Hmm... imagine you are a dimwit, you have a broken finger, and you use it to point out parts of your body.  Yes, everything hurts.  It has smoothed out a bit.  As well, I am going to take some pain pills.  It's just aspirin, even so I don't dose often.  Certainly not every time it hurts, not even when it all hurts.  Once in a while, though, a dose will do.  Today is that day.

Today?  I have already been working on another list.  In making stock, to this point, I haven't used mirepoix.  Or other aromatic combinations.  Carbs was my main complaint.  I have been thinking about things.  First, I need more carbs than 20.  I just do.  I have heard 80 to 100 as a more reasoned approach.  That might even be a bit tight, but it is a more reasoned, reasonable, target.  I will kick the tires and see.  Salads, beans (from dry), whole rice, and sour dough... especially if I grind my own wheat, or sprouted wheat.  I do need more carbs, just a lid on them and the right ones.  As well, I kept thinking... since the veggies are removed, just how many carbs are left in the stock?  To be honest I have no clue.  I am sure a bit of research would make it as clear as mud, at least initially.  The thing is, both the need for, and the probably slight addition, means that mirepoix should be just fine, so I've added those for my next stock fixings.  In time, my goal is to have a gallon or two of at least two types of broth always on hand... for soups, for sipping, for casseroles.

The rest is for food or cooking related, mostly.  I suppose fluorescent tubes in the kitchen is cooking related, to a degree.  This time I will get many of them.  I'm not sure which to get though... full spectrum, or yellow, or...  I will go with two sets of each, I suppose.  Though I may research what others prefer.  In winter it might help to have full spectrum?  Some say yea, some say nay.  The lamp never helped, but it was good lighting for reading.  I also keep missing light olive oil.  But that is actually somewhat difficult to find!  It is what I prefer in my bases, such as mayo or aoli.  Extra virgin has it's place, but it's really not in those things.  A few other things for making homemade dressings and a grill top.  Grill top?

Yep.  As I move more to steak I have been reviewing methods of cooking steak.  Actually, there are two different videos which I intend to use together.  One would do, but they go about it using a sous-vide system.  I neither have, nor will purchase, such a system.  It has it's uses, but is really more useful for commercial settings.  While it seems expensive, having just bought a stove I don't see much difference.  It is just another system.  Though, if I were to buy another major cooking system, it would either be a wood burning stove or a gas range and oven.  Or... first.  If I was truly wealth, before I gave it all up, I would try these various things.  I just... I want to know.  I am curious.  Why I want a grill face will become apparent in the first video.

What could be done was done.

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The post office, a meal, envelopes for returning items, the hardware store and a chat with the guy in appliances.  How to level appliances was the question.  I have never done that.  A way.  But, doing it solo is going to be the trick.  Being larger than usual helps, but just.  It may or may not be possible.  I have an idea of how to do it, some levels, and the parts for the washing machine drainpipe.  Then on to groceries.  That'll do, if it wasn't all.

I simply could not finish off and take care of returns.  It would have meant finding scissors to cut the labels, and tape... both were at home.  At least I remembered, and filled, the list I had written.  Always seems that something is forgotten.  I just wasn't interested, perhaps even able, to push on through with that.  I can't this afternoon either.  Perhaps when I wake I will be able to get everything packaged, labeled, and ready to go.  There was something else I wanted to do while in town, but what?  I need gas, but I thought there was something else.

Yeah, it wore me down.  Which is fine.  I want it to do that.  It would be nice if I would recoup a little faster though, and not quite fall so hard when I push after falling.  Ugh.  Oh, but... I don't know.  Sometimes I have such a good day, meeting quite friendly women.  Today I had a splendid day that way.  Why?  Does it mean anything?  Was I reading correctly?  I'll tell you, I think so.  Heck, granny, aunty, and niece all... well...  And they weren't bad, for their perspective.  Even had a little cross jealousy kill looks going on when they realized the others where doing similar.  Maybe they were just killing time goofing with an ogre.  A tall dame out there, and some others.  Some not so much, some quite... friendly.  I do enjoy.

I took what was offered and ran with it.  I'll make it back in tomorrow, probably.  I need to get that stuff moving back.  And I want gas in the tank, especially in winter.  I can get to the drain pipe any time.  I have to be in town, at exact hours, to return things.  Ugh...  I am terribly shot.  I think I'll be heading to bed very shortly.  Good afternoon and good night.

Getting there.

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Getting everything in order is tricky.  I'm just not back in shape.  Still, when given a hand up, I'll take it.  I've been offered several recently.  I'll take it.  First things first, I wrote a list of things needed or wanted.  Grocery and hardware included.  I've been checking it since, adding a few items so far.  If I am in town, and remember something else, I'll add it even then.  I have the returns together and ready, though I will need shipping slips for some of them.  Yeah, we will see.

I remember to print the return materials out.  Took a shower and dressed.  I keep checking outside to see if anything else has started.  It's that time of year, and that sort of weather.  The post office will be visited first.  If they have shipping sleeves I'll buy some there.  I know I have at least one package, or group of packages really, in.  Maybe more.

Food notions.

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With a stove back in availability, and limits on what is available this morning, along with some youtube views, I decided to try fish broth.  Banito flakes, several types of seaweed for various stages, heated water, fermented bean paste, and a bit of time... well and some specialty tools... produced breakfast.  Tasty?  Not so much.  It is rich, it tastes like fermented fish, it is thick, but it is, has to be, and acquired taste.  I added a bit of whole cream, which did cut it a bit.  Even so, between being an acquired taste and all else, I wasn't able to consume much.  And, yet, I will, most likely, try to consume this a few times a week, as an alternative to regular bone broth.  Here is one way to do it.  I added a certain type of seaweed for brewing, but not eating, miso.  Then I added another type of seaweed that is for flavor and consumption (if I ended up straining it out, I just couldn't do it).  All else was the same.  I am thinking, if I cut out the seaweed, and work on the amound of chips, I can probably make it much milder, at least for the start so as to build up tolerance.

Waking up sore.

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Things have improved.  It has been that I would wake up sore, be sore off and on through the day, then as bedtime arrived I would become pained again.  I am down to, mostly, waking up sore.

Even so, I wanted to see if it was still snowing.  If it wasn't, I wanted to see how much snow had fallen to prep for shoveling shortly.  It... was gone?  Had it melted?  The snow seemed to remain elsewhere.  I couldn't... focus, at first.  So I had to look front, then out the back door.  Someone(s) had shoveled.  I must admit to being quite grateful.

I won't waste the hand up.  A shower is my next thing.  That might help with the pain.  Some painkillers right now, as well.  Some tea, cold.  For whatever reason, at 66F in here, I am almost too warm.  I think as my body builds muscle from what I have torn my body heats excessively.  I am guessing I tore things all over my body in my haste.  My biceps, which I had thought I got to 15 sometime back, but hadn't... and admitted it?  Are now nearly 16 inches.  Pretty anemic, but compared to a bit over 14, it's improvement.  No, I haven't been working out, not even the hand exercises, not for months.  Hey!  I actually DO have 16" guns.  *grins*

The goal of the shower is to be ready to roll into town this morning.  Parts to buy, groceries too, and returns.  I have four things to send back through the line.  I think, from now on, when I buy eggs for mayo, I am only buying a small pack.  Those eggs don't seem to last well in the fridge, as do my usual eggs.  They just don't.  I like having eggs that will last two to four weeks, in the fridge.  I really want and need the freshest for raw egg applications, but I don't need that for everything.  I may wrap those in clear foil, both type, to see if that helps, as well.  My fridge has the smells of a decade or two of use, and refrigerators are what they are... they smell.  I may move to buying a new one every four to five years.  Used vehicles, new fridges... that's a change.

Hmm...  Oh, and I think I may order some ribeyes.  That'll probably be my main meal meat three to four times a week.  A thick cut, say inch and an half.  Meat doesn't seem to last well in the freezer.  The pork did though.  Lamb won't last long enough to test.  But beef goes a bit off a bit quicker, or this seemed to do so.  I think I'll go with half a beef, and make sure to give a decent amount of that away.  Four to six months is about as long as I like beef in the freezer, if this is normal.  Then again, my taste buds are very off.  Not sure what is up with that.  Gum might be... doing something weird.

Oh, and hush.  I am not complaining, casting aspersions, or any such.  I am just saying what is on my mind.  I might be right, I might be wrong, I might be singular.  I simply... don't always know.  Which... is part of why I write, to figure things out, get feedback, ruminate.  If I have a... beef with you?  *cough*  You will know it.  And... I don't even have a beef with the guy who forgot to get the parts for the appliances needed for installation.  Oh, I am sure he knew.  I just suspect it was company policy not to help in that manner.  Job openings are tight, so you do what you are supposed to do.  Like it?  Who wakes up on any morning, cleans, dresses, and goes out into the cold, because they like it.  Food, family, if there is some desire it is run over by the needs of a family, trampled into duty, and much more rigorous for it.  I don't hate a man for... reality.  Though, perhaps, it was an oversight.  I'm just not buying that.  I just, as mentioned, at this point, don't mind.

Well, perhaps some waking, a few painpills, and... I don't know.  A shower as soon as I can.  No breakfast.  I will let someone make that for me in town.  It's been a while since I stopped in to several places.  I may stop in to one of my old haunts this morning, or go to a new one.  Dunno.  Later.  And... thanks for the shoveling.  That sure opened some doors for me.

Longer than I expected, shorter than hoped.

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It is nearly 16:00, an hour and change short.  All good.  The oatmeal didn't crash me, it's just time, and change.  I couldn't really taste the oatmeal but I can sense it.  I didn't need to eat much of it.  A potent food, more so when soaked beforehand.  I haven't looked to see how much snow came down, if it stuck, if it's still falling.  I just... haven't.  I will, as I go to bed.  I haven't showered either.  I just... it's not pain, or exhaustion, or... just a malaise.  More, I think, of spirit than of flesh.  It'll improve before long.  The flesh is on it's ways to being better.

Have a good rest of the day.  I sure wish I could be awake along with you.  So it goes.  Good night.

It looks to be snowing again.

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Oh, well, yes.  A little disappointing.  And yet not really.  Shoveling isn't really a problem.  If all else fails I am set to wait things out in here, if I don't see that being the problem.  If I am stuck here, it is more due to simply still being a bit drained.  It is just that I hate to watch the work I did undone.

I still haven't gotten a shower in.  I'm beginning to slow down.  I may go to bed in several hours, or sooner.  It's not a terrible exhaustion I face, just... It's nearing my bedtime.  I would like to push until 17:00, I just am not sure I have that in me.  I have oatmeal soaking, and may have that for dinner.  Along with cream and maybe one of the sugar substitutes.

It's so odd.  So very hungry and yet not really able to eat.  If you can't taste food you just don't want to eat it.  I may turn to steaks as a more common food.  Along with salads, plus several other things.  Hamburger... I just... it's okay but it gets very old very fast.  I need to add a bit more been, rice, and some other things into my diet.  But those have to be kept to, say, a cup every other day.  It's difficult to cook so little, to be honest.  Cooking more is a temptation.  Hmm... I'll think about this.

Later, or perhaps, more like probably, good night.  If I eat the oats and that gets to me, I may go down fast.

No nap, feeling a bit better, and snow removal.

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While I was hoping for the middle, as beat up as I have been it was just a hope.  A far-flung one, sent on the slimmest of prayers or maybe not even a prayer.  God knows I hurt, He also understands physics, my lack of fitness, my illness, and the rest.  No, I wasn't going to ask for something improbable.  Still, here it is, mostly.  And why I didn't nap, or collapse, sometime between waking and now I can't say.  As rough as it was there, off and on, for most of the earlier morning, I just... almost noon and I will probably be up until early evening.

I noticed the snow out there earlier this morning.  I looked at it, then looked away, and then left the notion of the whole idea.  Being as rough as I was, seeing more work literally piling up was just too much.  As it neared 11:00 though I thought, perhaps, I could shovel then make it to the post office at least.  I suppose, technically, I could.  But I want a shower before I go out again.  I need a shower.  Which precludes the post office.  Now I might well be able to make it to town, later, for shopping and parts, or not.  I don't know.  I, again, would have to get a shower in.  Actually getting a shower is my primary next step... after a bit of a break.

Shoveling didn't even bother me.  I did it all in one go, just breaking a few beads of sweat not even at the end but right as I was sitting to begin this post.  Yeah.  Pretty cool actually.  I don't think that is normal.  There are men my age who don't have any illness who can't do this.  It wasn't the heaviest snow, or the deepest, but it is a long wide drive with a small walk as well.  Add that to what else I have been doing and it really is something.  Yeah, a shower.

I made eggs this morning.  They just didn't taste good.  They should be fresh enough.  It just didn't seem to matter.  I cooked them right.  Perhaps I simply don't have much taste for food these days.  I did eat, probably, about an egg and maybe a fifth of a cup of cheese.  The rest I simply tossed.  Nothing seems to taste good.  I have meat thawing, but, to be honest, not even that tastes good.  It seems more solid, so... fills me better?  I still can't eat all that much.  Not even the lamb chops have much going for them.  There are benefits, I certainly won't eat too much.  But I do need food.  Hmm, I may see if the lettuce is any good and if so have some of that.  If the lamb chops are thawed, that would go very well with the salad.  Later.

Strange dreams.

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She asked me to let her go.  I told her that I have no claim or promise from her.  It seems, to her mind, I do.  I told her I could not relinquish my want of her, or love for her as it stands, because it is real.  Wise?  What love IS wise?  There is a wisdom in love, a right love, but it mostly isn't ours to own or claim.  As a woman who is beautiful, if she lords it over others, she loses some of the content of that.  As with a man who is strong who boasts it may reduce himself to that.  The wisdom of love is something of the divine.  It can be enjoyed, or endured, just not claimed.  No, there was nothing I could do for her.  And, should I believe she might be willing, or interested, I would pursue.  I just don't see that.

Then I was at church.  Some of the women were not happy to see me.  Feminism had corrupted much.  Whispers behind my back, one of them snidely asked how vegetarianism was going for me.  It was an anti-virtue signaling marker rather than anything to do with a diet I obviously do not entertain, let alone support for others.  Then I saw some woman, partially dressed in vestments, and I through sheer presence frowned on the event and disapproved.  The corruption of Vatican II will fall or the church will dissipate.  It's not so much a choice of the church as a matter of reality.  Women cannot be priests.  Abortion is always evil.  Some things just are the way they are.  I am hated by the feminists in the church, and because of their influence, I do not go often.  I still need to begin attending some things, but not in places where feminism has been allowed to fester, or even is allowed serious say.  Don't even point fingers.

To be honest I am not sure if anything has changed.  If a great calamity still occurs, perhaps the reins are in better hands.  Time will tell.  You cannot create a fraudulent economy, then keep it going so far beyond functional truth and for so long without a major failure.  It isn't just the US, the whole world has colluded in order to keep the rich rich and the poor in place, even creating more poor so as to balance that against the extremely wealthy.  It not only won't, it can't work.  Though, as with all hard things, the sooner the better.  But those who will lose, and that is the ones in charge to now, do not wish to lose.  Then again, nobody wants to lose, even if all they get is redistribution and low-rent quota positions.  Oh, have no worries, I will lose more than most.  Just, possibly, everything.  Still, I know it has to happen.

Hmm?  Some pain pills, maybe some gaming if I can't get back to sleep right away, then sleep when it can be had again.  I have truly ripped muscle, stressed bone, and am now paying the price.  I haven't done this good in decades.  But I do need to rest.  Later.

Serious pain.

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Pushing that far in I knew the extraction would be uncomfortable.  I am not at all surprised, after resting for days, to just now be hitting my stride in the extraction of pains.  Arms and chest and legs, like after the first week of football practice.  I had worse, I just can't remember those things.  Boot camp was actually worse, but not all physical.  It was the regimen, the hours, with the physical added in as a component and not the heaviest component by far, so there was no real recovery, in that, for me.

I have set up the bed so that it is warm enough, and more.  That should help with recovery.  Until last night, or the night before, I can't recall, I had been sleeping with just a cover sheet and two blankets.  I never was warm at night.  I think that was setting recovery back.  All I added was a heavy top cover-blanket but it worked.  Now I have to add and remove layers through the night, but I do get warm and stay warm.  I believe recovery will be quicker now.  And I should sleep more deeply.

I need to begin cooking again.  I have had this and that to get by eating.  It's getting long in the tooth or is simply gone now.  So, back to it.  I don't know if I said, but I won't be using my cast iron on the stovetop anymore.  I will use it in the oven.  The problem is oil seeps to the outside and bottom of the pan, making it almost impossible to cook cleanly.  Which is fine.  I have several good stainless and 'teflon' type pans for regular use.  To be honest I don't think they are as good as cast iron, much more difficult to cook with, harder to truly keep clean, but they aren't messy to the stove to cook with.  Thing is, if these pans get a scratch in them, you really have to change them out.  That is some seriously bad to eat stuff that scrapes off.  I can test out, more thoroughly, the high carbon pans though.  If they work like cast, as has been suggested, but don't bleed out oil, they might work better.

For right now, mostly, other than cooking as required, I am still down for the count.  Another day or two and I hope I can begin doing more.  I need to make some returns, get the washing machine going, and buy groceries... before everything closes down for Christmas.  Ugh.  I want to go back to bed but I am not sure I can.  A few more hours would get me in line to maybe work back to a regular day schedule.  Oh, and I need to go to the post office, which is doable even if I do nothing else as to getting out.  Later.

Should, could, would, won't.

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I am, at times, baffled as whether to post or not.  Oh, yes, I really go back and forth.  A recent post has been put up, taken down, and repeatedly.  I have decided to just leave it up, finally.  If I am still not sure I should.

It is about time for a nap.  Or more.  Some items have arrived which make eating certain seafood much simpler.  I have taken enough for my use out and left the others for a visitor.  In case I am not awake later, or tomorrow, or whenever.  Lobster is on the way, I suspect.  I haven't received a notification, but that stuff is sent and is supposed to make it in a day or less, if all is accounted.  We will see.  It's not an every year thing.  Not even a once a year thing.  It is just a thing.

I am still tired, deep down.  I think the cool is adding to it.  Which is fine, mostly.  I have the time to rest.  I have some items to buy, some returns to make, and groceries to pick up.  Soon, I hope.  Tonight, tomorrow, the next day, I just don't know.  I have tried warming the cave, but it just...  When I am this tired I may not be able to break through the cool.  I'll keep at it.

Yes, nap or sleep time.  I have done what little I can.  I sure hope to get going on the drain as I would really like to get going on the laundry, then the rest of the cave.  I am excited to finish up my bedroom, redo the spare bedroom, arrange the rest of my clothes that are still to be washed, then hit the kitchen, bathroom, and then living room.  I am hoping to have most of it done by New Years.  At worst by February.  While I have a hog coming in then, I would like to get a plumber in as well.

I want to have all mechanical, plumbing, and minor electrical problems solved by next December, then begin deciding about whether the kitchen floor is next, or whether I should spend the money to get the en suite done... if I really can't get in and get going on that.  Bleh.  I have some hope that I can get the en suite myself.  The kitchen floor, though, I don't think so.  Even if I go with rubber matting or some other easy to do, but good on the feet and leg material, that can be rolled out.  I may need sub-floor replacement on some of it.  Yeah...  Anyway...  I'll be keeping at it, when I can get back to it and when I can keep at it.

Later.

Wear black much?

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He asked as if it didn't need answered.  He asked whether I had been wearing it since a young child.  He simply doesn't understand.  I wear black often, these days, if more as a lark.  And... even he should know.  Yeah, he has to know.  I've told him if he doesn't want to see, don't look. And yet he sees, which means he looks.

Back to sleeping as needed.

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Much sleep is needed.  All good.  Plus, I am pretty sure, I will soon be back to it.  Not heavy, hard, and fast, but a reasonable pace, and very possibly starting to day though may not until tomorrow.  The first task I will do, when I begin, is to go to town and find the parts I need, do a bit of shopping, and begin again from there.

My body isn't sore so much as tight.  It feels more like setting concrete than iron, at the moment.  But I remember this from during football practices, and later, during times when I would come off easy periods.  Most people don't ever actually work to the point where they take a break and come back to it like this.  Then again, in part I am doing this because I have been doing so little for so long.  That I recognize it, though, that is the tell.

I hope to work this to where I have some level of functional fitness.  I'm not looking for a return to the fitness I had in the service, or even high school sports fitness.  I simply have no need of that much.  It was a bear to keep up, costs a lot in food, and all such.  Still, I want to be in much better shape.  I am getting there.  I just don't know where the limits, or possibilities begin and end.  Sometimes I don't have as much of a choice, either.  Though I am learning to push through hard times, and make it on through to some point as needed beyond where I thought I could go.

My stove is not balanced.  I will be looking at how to do that.  It really isn't easy to do, definitely not alone.  I may have to see if I can set it up for easy work, have everything ready, then ask someone for a hand.  I will need to do the same with the washer and dryer.  Yes, it... makes a difference.  Just for cooking, having the fat leave one part of the pan untouched is a bad thing and annoying.

Still, for now, and until I am better, if I need sleep I will have sleep.  I might even toss in extra sleep just because I think it could be useful.  Waking just before two could turn into a very long day.  A nap might be good in six hours or so, for example.  Want it or not, of mind, I think my body might just take it, knowing what else I have planned.

I hate doing little, but for now I don't have all that much choice.  Hmm, back to reading maybe?  I need to find something more for when I can do little.  I have even considered legos, or other such.  Especially a motorized kit I can make more than one project through.  Though, sometimes, when this tired, even using the mind is too taxing.  Reading, for example, can be too much, or in the past.  I'll think on it.  Later.

Sleeping as needed.

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I pushed a little hard.  So, now, I sleep when my body wants to rest.  I went down around noon.  I thought I might be able to just pull off a nap.  Not so much.  A call saying dinner was arriving woke me at about 19:00.  At about 21:00 I do believe I'll have a big glass of water and go on back to bed.  Turkey was quite good.  Some can cook turkey right, some can't.  This was right.  Moist, done, tasty.

My arms arrived, as well as a few other items.  I am well pleased.  If there is anything else I purchase yet, it might be a normal sized katana, which would be, for me, a bo katana.  Probably.  Though such a purchase is probably years off.  The dagger is shorter than I thought it would be, and yet quite meaty.  It is as good a high-choked war hammer as it is a cutting weapon or sword locking arm.  And she looks good.  Looks are a part of it.

Yeah, bedtime, again.  I don't mind.  I pushed a bit much.  I will rest until I am rested, I guess.  Good night.

Yeah? Yeah.

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Still ticklishly foolishly tired, a bit sore, and stiff here and there.  I went there, stepped over the line, and kept going until I remembered as close to the infinite as a creature of flesh can.  Chose against that path again... that is closed to me, as a lifestyle, now.  At least I know I can visit if need be.  Love can require that, for many reasons, but as moments not as whole truths.  Women can't live there, men just have to do what it takes, sometimes.

My neighbor stopped in last night.  He wanted to see the new cool tools.  He seemed pleased.  I told him of my hangup, and that I was just too tired to quite do even that one step, quite yet.  He tinkered with one part, and got it off easily.  Suggested, if I had a plumbers wrench he would get that last part off.  I only had to move empty boxes, and was well worth it.  He took the drain assembly off.  As such, I will go to town and figure this out for final today.  I think I just need a black pvc 1 1/2" female to female or female to straight line connector.  Whichever they might have.  I'll grab more teflon tape (plumber's tape), I know I have it, but not where.  I won't want to be held back by that... unless I find some on the way out the door.

Yeah, just a touch of help at just the right time and I am sort of back on track.  I won't do much more, but if I can get this arranged, then working, I will start doing small loads of laundry.  Two things to help with laundry... two? three I mean... are in the basket.  For larger loads of woolens, silks, and some synthetics, if I do larger batches air drying some in the dryer and hanging some would split the difference.  As well, I have seen those devices they use to help fold clothes faster.  Some things I want are more difficult.  But I have been slowly creating systems and purchasing devices that make my wishes easier to work.  With this, I can fold all my t-shirts, quickly and neatly.  I am slow and not good at it by hand.  And, even if the hanger is only good for socks, that is a very handy thing.  Then I will be less intimidated by doing a large batch of various socks.  Wool or compression or silk or synth liners...  I have a lot of socks and they don't take to heat well, or even dry well even on fluff.

I probably won't have those in until next month.  And, other than, perhaps, getting the washer online and functioning, then using it and the dryer, I won't be doing a lot of other work for the rest of this week.  I do have trash, and I think recycling, to get out this morning.  And I will do that, plus keep up on the cave otherwise.  But not much more, not until I have rested up a bit.  Even so, it is wonderful to walk around in a much cleaner and becoming neater cave... home.  It eases a body exhausted by making it so.  Once I get there, I need to try to find help it keeping it that way.  Ugh.

Later.

Nothing fancy.

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I can't remember when I woke.  And while I have very lightly tinkered, and gotten a shower in, I haven't done much.  Resting, mostly.  More rest is needed than what I can do in a short space.  Though, walking around the house from time to time, to see the appliances in place and mostly set up, to see the clean open spaces, and to plot my next moves, and imagine more, that has been my day.

It snowed last night.  I think last night.  In any case I was hoping the sun would take care of it.  That is just what happened.  My hope was a weak one.  Hoping for something that is unlikely, or seems as if it would be unlikely, is... just hope.  Sometimes it works out, as it has.  I simply wasn't sure I could have gotten out and worked on the driveway.  I am done, shot, zapped, sapped, tired, sore, and rough.

I will stay up until mid-evening.  I would like to get the trash out, then to the curb.  Recycling this week too I think.  Not much more will be done.  I won't get to the drain pipe today.  I will get to it when I can.  Rest is terribly needed.  I have done what I could.  With all of my normal clothes washed and up I have bought some time before the washing machine is truly needed.  I doubt if I will be to it even by the middle of the week.  I really need rest, away from heavy work.  Though I will attempt to stabilize sleep.

I do need new tube fluorescent bulbs for the kitchen.  I'm still not sure which are best, though full spectrum might be good, for winter.  I haven't figured out the markings on fluorescents though.  I probably should take one in to town with me.  I really don't like this sort of lighting just for that reason.  I'm not even sure if there are codes that are easily recognizable, like the length x diameter or circumference, then of course there are the various brightnesses or "temperatures" or such.  You know, I may look that up, to see if that has been standardized, and perhaps which bulbs are more preferred per application?  There might be something, if the subjective always plays a roll.  I like to try the various things out myself, but they can sometimes have too many variables for me to reasonably afford to try them all, or at least quickly.

Hmm?  Oh, right, rambling.  Later.  Or good night.  I am not sure I'll be back on yet tonight.  Sleep well if not, I am pretty sure I will.

The future.

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While I can't forget the past I can and have moved on.  Leaving behind what needs to be left, taking and cleaning, as much as that is possible, what is worth keeping.  Life and love are dirty things.  Dealing with hunger, not too much feeding, not to little, of all appetites, is the better of ways, the more sure of ways.  All other paths have prices which lead to excesses.  And, yet, even well timed and managed hungers... lead to dark things and places, even when that is right.  A first child, and witnessing it, changes everything.

On my mind.  The last set from looking through the door to a part of life most don't even know exists.  Remembering how love was, why it was what it was, and some other things.  As that door is remembered, and relinquished for the most part, further and, to a degree new, understandings are presented.  Yes, as I have worked, and now as I rest, she clouds my thoughts and perhaps I seed her will.  Difficult to know, but I think so.  She is afraid, but then, who isn't.  Better to be with one who knows enough to honestly fear than to be with a heedless fool who will be in over his depth in short order.  Just admit that from the start and... take a breath when possible, take a nap when needed, and do what you can when and how you may, together or alone as it must be.

Yeah, she is on my mind in ways I know and new ways.  I'm just pleased she is just as terrified as I am.  It tickles my heart to be in trepidation in unison.  Yes, a bunch of songs just, sort of, hit it.  There might be an order.  They might be in some order.  But I don't claim they are in the right order or any such.  It's... in there.  Look or don't, as you please.  Ugh, but women do it to me.

Oh, well... with it comes more.

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I realize what I am and why things went the way they did.