Success isn't always what it seems.

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I have been able to manipulate sleep and waking cycles to make appointments.  However, in doing so, I have lost almost total control, even influence, over everything else.  I am eating, sleeping, and awake as if an animal.  I have one last appointment to make, and one set of paperwork to do, then I can devolve to winter mode caveman living.

I have attempted to manage life.  There simply isn't a way, means of manipulation, as driving on ice after finding an ice patch at speed.  I didn't wake until noon.  I have no idea when I went to bed.  I just remembered medicine, save insulin.  Blood sugar was a bit high at 178 but not bad with corned beef and fixings.

Slipping and sliding.  I had hoped to be to bed about now.  I have to stay awake for four more hours, so as to take night meds.  An early rise again.  If possible.

Not sure what is up with the girls.  Spoiled, lately, but at least Sam is being mean.  Perhaps Sassy, but if so, not to my knowledge.  Weird how they get.  Later, or good night.

Wonky, if functionally.

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I missed my last appointment.  This doctor is leaving too, if not by choice?  I was able to reset and see him a final time.  Now, with all that has been happening, just starting meds, and sleep completely off the rails, I wasn't sure about making it.  I slept when able, setting two alarm clocks.

Surprises.  Not only did I wake, I woke on the first sounding of the first alarm.  I got to a shower quickly, and was dressed and ready to go in time to feed and water all critters.

BP was better.  180/100 isn't great, but it beats 207/145 by a goodly shot.  Especially without meds immediately.  I just couldn't put it together.  They, all of them, here and there, worry about suicide.  As discussed, I have... a deal with God.  Life and death are His.  Suffering... is part of my road to humility... and truth.  No, suicide just isn't in the program.

After, shopping.  I need charcoal yet.  As well, I didn't find chuck roast that was satisfactory.  My old store closed.  This new one, a long time competing neighbor, has improved without the excessive stress of such intense rivalry.  The only thing, to my mind, they don't do well, is chuck.  It looks and tastes more like round, trimmed to lean, and without marbling at all.  I will be shopping around for that.  A good chuck is a very beefy cheaper cut, their version is as cardboard.  Still, most else is good enough to superior.

Beside meats, canned veggies and fruits without added sweeteners, plain greek yogurt and cottage cheese, salad makings, all sorts of food.  I was rather low.  Now I am nearly broke.  But I have a bit to eat.  It should carry me a while.  I tried something new, ever... pomegranates.  I remember, as a very young one, watching Greg G. get them from a grocer and eat them.  He wouldn't share.  I have always been curious.  Not my favorite, messy, but... different.

Oh, I forgot to pay the doc.  I'll be back soon.  I am making corned beef, with cabbage, carrots, and potatoes.  It'll be a bit.  Wasn't thinking about how long it would take, or how late it was, until it was too far along.  The beeper for potatoes and carrots.  In an hour, cabbage and mushrooms for the last half hour.

Later or good night.

Back to medicine.

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Yes.  I said I would start again when returning.  Couldn't think in that way until today.  I am starting at 6.x mg, morning and night, of the hard stuff.  The rest of the medicine at regular full values, except extra waterpills for a few days.  I am taking daily mineral supplements, over daily vitamins and minerals, for the first two weeks.  Being low on potassium means these may be low to, but either way these help with that, especially when taking extra waterpills.

Blood sugar was 148 fasting.  It is almost back down to where it was.  It is being odd though.  Patience...  I need to eat and dose, but I... just...  I want food, I guess.  My mind does.  My body is telling me my stomach is stone.  That it wouldn't know what to do with food.  Please, don't send anything.  Perhaps a very light fatted coffee and an ounce of nuts?  Bleh.

Dark out there.  Not as dark as it could be, but certainly not bright.  It actually isn't a part of the problem currently.  Nor is the temperature.  It's in the 20's to 30's, which for giants, ogres, and sech, quite pleasant.  Rain or melting snow/slush can be killjoys, and heavy or even a steady wind, can make even such pleasant temps uncomfortable to worse.  But it is nice when I have been out.

The battery charger is here.  Surprisingly arrived early.  I am generally on the late route... rout?  Anyway...  I... will get it going when I can.  Still pretty wrecked.  Medicine is one thing.  Figuring out a new contraption, pulling a battery, and setting it all up safely, are different matters.  Soon.

I may take a nap shortly.  Ugh.  If I can.  Sometimes, often, choices are slim, or nonexistent.  I want a nap, if that counts?  Oh, aspirin too.  That I can do.  Later.

Running a bit late.

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Then again I was awake late dealing with diabetes.  Ducks were fed and watered.  Their water wasn't frozen.  It was 36° F, though.  Still, surprised it didn't freeze overnight.  I think, if they get fresh water right before dark, it is relatively quite warm, what we might call a sauna, so they use (and abuse) it.  That is what it is for.  I need a couple bags more feed.  With mice etc being excluded, mostly, feed lasts a lot longer.  I still need to trap out there.

The timer is set to feed the girls.  Their litter was finally changed, and treats are again in stock and being dispensed.  Truth is, they are fed and otherwise tended better than I am.  If I can only care for one group, the critters get first dibs.  Not always perfect, but they... don't have it too bad.  Far better than in the wilds.

Blood sugar crept up again.  At 189 fasting, I will have to work on it.  No major problem, given yesterday.  Back to begging a downward trend, but less than two hundred.  Though it may continue to climb, a little to a lot, the next few days.  It... just does as it pleases, when it chooses, sometimes.  I can only do what I can.

Still a bit rough.  A mild headache, slight nausea, minor feverishness, muscle and joint pain... this could be something along the lines of flu, or that recurring 'infection'.  Both can have these symptoms.  I am not sure if I have one or several bugs.  I am not sure if it was from experimental vaccines or raw exposure.  I have been in some ugly places, lands of death where I am all but sure most of the population is diseased.  That, if I had to guess, is the majority cause for simpler paganism, hoodoo, and voodoo.  If I didn't know better...

So why God?  Many reasons.  Not necessarily those in the church, but definitely God and the church.  Even Christ had Judas, though even his Rock failed.  I think Christ wanted us to know, recognize, snakes in places of power, to understand, one day, there would be nothing else.  When families are discouraged, pedophilia adopted, fundamentalism deigned sinful, you know you walk in shadows.

I have been watering my houseplants, getting them back into order.  I found their food spikes and gave them a couple per, plus another slightly above room temp shower.  They are looking much better.  I really need to get hooks up, put them out here.  I'd like to get a dozen more, but they are a bit pricey.  I could split some off, but I also want some variety.  Later.

Wow. Freaky.

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As mentioned, my blood sugar was high.  So, with dinner, I gave it a more solid dose, as per my usual.  As I was thinking about bed, I was feeling... off... like food that had been left out.  Blood sugar had fallen to 59.  I felt off, not horrible.  Glad I checked.  Problem.  I just ate, no room for more food.

Aha, carb tabs.  Perfect for this.  So... I had one.  Then two more, then two more.  I couldn't stop!  I probably, no kidding, ate twenty!  I knew my blood sugar would be shot.  Still, had to test it.  A few hours, threeish, later, and it was 148?  I expected the high hundreds, perhaps into three hundred.  Wow.  I must have seriously needed them.

I will have another small meal and a small dose.  Weird happenings.  Gotta be careful.

Then on to bed.  Good night.

Just sitting.

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Very tired.  Nothing hurts, if I am still rather numb.  Cats and ducks have been tended, twice.  Cat litter desperately needs changing.  But treats are back in stock.  The ducks have plenty of food and their water was still good.  I will change their water, hopefully before dark.

The grill is going.  Chicken hindquarters and a bit of beef.  Later, I am hoping to make cabbage.  I haven't been eating right, and it shows.  Not enough, not enough fiber.  I will fix that.  A gift, if I can get dishes done and the stove and oven clear and clean, is corned beef, cabbage, and red potatoes.  Otherwise I will skip the potatoes.

Have you ever realized, if you were nice to someone, giving them the food, drink, and any other excess they might want, you would kill them.  Just a thought.

Except cats.  Mostly.  ;p

I was going to take a nap.  Thankfully I remembered the grill was lit.  No real danger, just a waste.  And while not truly hungry, a keto thing, food sounds good.  It just does.  I blood sugar is rather high, after breakfast and a dose.  My guess is the cheese, a blueberry stilton.  It tasted sweet, must have added sugar.  Usually I check, things get through one way or another, from time to time.  No major hiccup, I was careful because it seemed too sweet.  It'll take a day or two, but shouldn't be too bad.  Time to flip food.  Later.

Wrecked.

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Oh, well, I made it up and back in spite of all.  What all?  Two hours of sleep in the forty eight before, then the rest.

I had started the waterpills, but not potassium.  With potassium out swelling still high even if comparably better, and bp predictably sky high, I was sent... escorted... to the emergency room... over my mild rebuffs.  In went potassium, magnesium, bp stuff, and some others.  An ekg and chest x-ray were administered.  And I was there until after 14:00.

I... napped between visitors and procedures.  Surprised I could wake without much fuss.  Adrenaline, around strangers, is potent in me.  I can't be more certain about when I was let out.  Closer to, slightly before, or a bit after, 14:00?  I don't know how long the drive home was.  I was able to shop cat supplies but not groceries after.

When I returned home, I planned blogging and gaming, to come down.  No dice.  I was lucky to get things in from the car.  I did feed and water furry and feathered friends, get purchases and travel gear in.  Oh, and noted someone had stolen a quarter of the gas from my car at the V.A. parking garage.

At some point, before falling out of my chair, I made it to bed.  It's a... strange morning.  I can feel nothing, barely think, as foggy of mind as it is out doors.  I'll... try to get going.  Blood sugar is 143 fasting.  Still trending lower, other than the anomaly of yesterday's sleepless reading.

Today?  I... have no idea.  Hopefully something.

A hard, good, start.

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I wasn't sure it was possible.  I have had to mess my sleep up something awful to get out.  Actually to be awake yesterday.  It has carried over since.  Little sleep yesterday night, none last night.

Doing okay.  Headache, just a touch of nausea, the rest is numb.  I had cold tea in a thermos ready to go.  I also made fresh hot tea for warm fatted drinks for the drive.  It is difficult to eat, but I must.

The trip was easy.  The roads clear and fast.  What often takes two to three hours took just a wee over an hour.  Okay, nearly two, but still.  Now, I wasn't speeding... abnormally.  It was amazing.  interstate highways are grand when open.  Still, that leaves me her way too early!

Blood work is done.  Not sure if processing is open yet, or will get to it in time.  But there is a reasonable chance that labs will be ready in clinic. ...  Almost two hours early?  Bah.  If I hadn't left early I guarantee I would have been late.

Blood sugar was 136 fasting.  But no sleep messes all such things up.  Difficult to know.  I didn't feed the girls before leaving.  A half day of fasting a week keeps them thinking.  But I did get the duckles fresh water.  They could have opened the water, but it was well used and very cold.  They had plenty of food

I would love to nap, but that... wouldn't work out.  Or... am I home, dreaming this?  Imagine writing a post while technically not awake.  Insomnia..  Later.

Nothing fancy.

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Battery and a reasonably flexible charger are on the way.  Extra was spent for a faster delivery... for the battery.  The charger was prime, so Monday if weather holds.  It should work for just about any battery for vehicles and solar types, if limited to 12 volt.  It doesn't store energy, it has to be plugged in.  Those die fairly quickly.  If you don't use those frequently, like weekly, skip those, get jumpers.

As to weather, it is staying just below freezing, with a ten percent chance of precip.  Terrifying to not be sure.  It's a long stretch where anything can and maybe has happened.  Still, unless I walk out and see ice, or hear warnings, I am planning a go.  I need to shower, then crash for a while.

The ducks got their second watering.  And they needed it?  Perhaps not.  If the ice is thin, they can open it.  I've seen them open nearly an inch of ice.  They prefer fresh, warmer, water.  I do my best.  I usually close the door too.  I think I left it, will close it shortly.  I do my best.

I'd best get to it.  Sleep has been torn up in my effort to make appointments.  It just has to be done sometimes.  I need to do grocery shopping too.  Cat stuff, my food... I still have the list from before.  Some of it that was bought has been used already.  I'll take the list, just in case.

Blood sugar, if again trending lower, was still a bit higher fasting.  But the one after meal read was 115.  Not perfect, not bad.  Averages are running much higher, but mostly because I am having high fasting reads but only doing one after meal read.  Still, I'd lay dollars to dimes my a1c is vastly improved, perhaps in the higher 5.xx range.

Later, or good night most probably.  Sweet dreams.

An early afternoon rise.

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I had it in my mind to wake early enough to investigate a battery.  I can get one by the 16th for $64, or the 10th for $78, if memory serves.  I am checking with someone local.  As well,  I found a charger for it.  Not sure if I need Club Cadet brand, will compare.  Maybe there are better all around chargers, with trickle etc?  Yeah.

Will be trying to charge this one until the other arrives.  Could end up with two batteries, though this one is probably at the end of it's life.  ~  News... no battery locally.  If I want one, I have to order.  Now or..?

As to weather.  Good news and bad, really bad, news.  It isn't snowing!  It is sprinkling.  Boo... hiss.  If it is light, short, and they can keep up on it, cool.  If not...  ice.  I won't play out there with any ice, even with the Xterra.  Not good.  Oh, but battery... should I order or wait?  No, best to order.  Bleh.

Later.

Well...

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The neighbor stopped by, with his other neighbor's snow removal system.  It has a snowblower.  After opening up the drive, he checked mine.  There was gas in it.  Half a tank.  So that wasn't it.  There were dummy warning lights.  But the oil was good, and battery was putting out 12v, at least until someone kept on it.

Not sure what to do.  Hopefully no more snow or I will have to cancel the next appointments.

A nap in a bit.  Then a shower, shave and back to dishes.  I can't seem to eat.

Later.

Not my fault.

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An appointment this morning.  For it, wrestling with sleep.  Too little but some, this time.  A struggle waking, but up in time to shower, shave, have some sitting rest, and get there with time to spare.  Except... snow... three inches?  Perhaps the plow would knock it out in time?  No gas!  Could I shovel out?

I gave it a good shot but got smacked down so hard after a fifth of it I am sitting without choice.  If I had to the afternoon, maybe... but no guarantee even then.  I can't even find my big gas can.  I... did what I could.  I will try to reschedule.  Hell of a lot of effort first thing.  Too much.  Well, not dead, yet, for it.  Maybe next time.

I did what I could, and it wasn't bad.  It just wasn't even close.

Ducks have been tended, cats will be shortly.  Fresh tea is brewing.  Blood sugar is 159 fasting.  I suppose I will just work in the house.  Bleh.  I even washed clothes so they would be fresh, for certain, through the night.  *sigh*  Not a bad effort, simply an unsuccessful one.  Effort alone is not enough in the real world.  Later.

Cooking tech.

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While I don't cook as often, I still like to cook.  Since figuring out how to use stainless and cast, and why high carbon pans don't work so abandoning those with aluminum and non-stick pans, I have been experimenting with utensils.  One sort of traditional spatula has come out on top, but the rest are chinese/wok utensils.

Finding decent utensils that don't have huge handles, cost far too much, and hold up to gorilla strength use at times, in traditional European shapes, has proven futile.  Gladly, in some sense.  Those things drove me to go where few gweilo go.  And while they can stick their crude chopsticks wherever they like, their utensils are worthy tools.

Just check out their tools.  Find solidly built ones and give them a shot.  The one nod to European cookery is the long flat fish flipper spatula, with slats.  It works terribly well for certain things.  So many European utensils are made of soft, untempered steel, or cost a fortune, or have huge handles which makes storage and organization difficult, or all and other problems.  It is like sellers are trying to sell what we don't want to buy.

Actually, that is the problem with cars.  I don't want automatic headlights, or anything else.  I don't want airbags everywhere.  I don't want electronic trash littered through the vehicle.  I don't even want automatic transmissions anymore.  And the cheapest they can build a new car is crazy.  If they burn, it is either the industry's choice or government, though the two collude against us, so...

Oh.  Hmm?  Just thinking and grumbling as I get ready for animal care.  The girls are getting feisty.  After, a few calls then a nap.  Later.

Up before sunrise.

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It isn't exactly early, rising at about 7:00, but it is earlier.  Cold out there, about 17°F, if my eyes read rightly, and foggy.  A special sort of winter dreariness, a haggard look, like a foggy rundown pier, only pulled into, wed with, our highland setting.  A strange, almost dangerous, feel to the scene.  Only it isn't a drunken dock worker or sailor who might get you, but the cold.

The furnace has been turned up, heat flows as I speak.  Toenails are becoming an issue, so will be hit.  A shower in a bit, then a shave, resetting dishes, and perhaps laundry... if I can get a load together.  Then, perhaps, a start on tearing boxes down and getting the upstairs arranged.

Not as planned.

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A bit too tired.  I am hoping to do a bit more.  No guarantees.  I should be to bed earlier tonight.  That should help with other plans.

Beside being tired, I felt ill.  I worried it might be low blood sugar.  At 111 that wasn't the problem.  Lighter meals today, but three of them.  I'll do a final check in a few hours, then go on to bed.  Really not feeling well, if I have, usually do, felt much worse.  I will put laundry in the dryer and at least refresh the dishes, but that is probably it.

A bit worn, but with plans.

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The bathroom looks really good.  I went down between three and four, am waking just after eleven.  Aches and pains, but those as likely would have arrived whether I worked or not.  Aspirin.  It's been a while.  I took waterpills last night, drained about a gallon overnight for that.  Other than itchy skin from skin expansion and contraction, all is peachy.

I had hoped to jump right to it this morning.  No such luck.  Until my innards receive their share of the painkillers, they aren't onboard with nothing but sitting.  Have you ever been exhausted, and ringed by pain that will only get much worse before it gets better?  That is were I am.  Perhaps the pain will ease or I will become more awake so as to handle the push through.

Late, but...

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I kept slowing down.  It took longer to do less in a strange reductive degeneration.  Well, and legs and feet started to swell.  I have been on them too long today.  It's not every day, some days including today.  I didn't do all that much, but enough for that.  Nicely tired too.

Whenever I get up, I'll get to it again.  Not bad.  Good night.

Almost.

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The bathroom is mopped, toilet is clean, and I am about to trim and shower, then set dishes up.  Then to bed.  No laundry, but I really hit the floor and toilet very well.  It took four shots, and I swept between several of the moppings.  Very hot water allows for a fast drying.  It was along the edges were buildup needed effort, and the drill with a brush.

Dinner was good.  I had blood sugar lower.  Something I ate later caused a bump, which remains.  I can have smaller portions of meat twice daily, but I need to be careful with veggies.  A potato?  Small, twice a week, with extra fats to shift the macros.  Carrots or other sweet veggies?  Also a few small doses a week.  But not all together.  The baby carrots needed eating, as with killing sometimes in Texas.  I already had a potato going.  Oh well.  Still, the 130s aren't murder, I just prefer better.

Not moving swiftly.

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Ducks, girls, and myself, food drink and insulin.  Ducks were handled early enough that I refreshed their water, putting much less, but fresh, in for the end of the day.  It will freeze, but is easier to clean out being shallow.  Blood sugar is at 91 as I prepare for a second meal.

The real problem with keto is food boredom.  It isn't just that one doesn't get the carb, starch, and or sugar rush.  It is also that food loses most of it's gratifying flavor.  No, I can still taste everything, perhaps more acutely in ways.  But it is like hearing underwater, or eating similarly.  Which, oddly if much more rarely, leads to overeating. Eating while waiting for... something... anything.

Monday, is it?

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The good and bad things about being terribly ill is that there isn't a difference between Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and Sunday.  I would like there to be.  I try to force the issue.  It just doesn't matter if I can't keep a daily schedule.  Four alarms or two, it doesn't matter.  And, yes, I want it.  If I can get a year of a regular schedule, I would get back to engineering school.  That I want more than anything else.

Blood sugar was a bit high.  At 184 fasting, it is the worst I have seen in a long time, yet not too horrible.  I had potato and more meat than usual.  I will work with it today.  I will add fats back in.  Starting with a fatted tea shortly.

Ugh.

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Back to bed at eight, give or take.  Up at almost 13:00.  The bloody nose seems to have ended, for now.  Some strange headache replaces it.  A sinus headache?  It's a type of headache I get so rarely I haven't bothered to figure it out.  Not too potent, but with else wrong today, aspirin is on the menu.

I will, finally, restart medicine today.  I just kept forgetting.  I will start with the easy stuff, then add carvedilol, 6 mg, bid.  If that works, I may double that next time.  I will add the little bit extra z after that.  I can add no more.  It wipes me out for months, or adds to the collapse.  As is, medicine is right on the edge.

Ducks, after I wake.  A shower and shave.  And back to dishes.  Little bits of things.  I'll keep at it.  Later.

Woke far too early.

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A bloody nose woke me.  I attempted to manage it, but it continues.  I tried every trick I know.  Nothing doing.  I want to be sleeping so desperately.  Three or four hours, and it just won't stop.  Sunup, if it was out, or close to it.  Ugh.  When it stops, I will try to sleep.  It started in both nostrils, like gangbusters.  It is down to one, but it is torrential.

Can't really do anything, so surfing the web.  Even it seems to be closing down.  The internet is merely transportation, no longer a destination, save for my generation on back, those who bother... and still live.  I'm not interested in apps or social platforms.  Besides, I know better.

From the looks of things, my gen seems pushed to check out early.  And it seems compliant.  Were we spoiled or just foolish?  We are paying.  I am finding there is no amount of right living today that makes up for bad living yesterday.  I can't even stop a bloody nose!  However, I won't just give up, again.  If there may not be much resistance left.  What I have, I will offer.

It's still going but I am so tired.  I'll give sleep another shot.

Getting to it.

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Dishes have been in progress, the laundry is drying, and the tub is clear between runs for a shower.  I checked the ducks as the sun was going down.  Their food was plentiful and water was clear and open.  Cats and myself have also eaten.  Plus I pulled meat to thaw.  Pork steaks and chuck roast, should be good for most of the week.

Blood sugar is a bit high, though not outside of wants.  At 114 and 115 while taking smaller doses of insulin, it will do.  Well, and half a dose of slow acting insulin for yesterday.  And I ate too much chicken, protein really.  I should have had more fats.  It happens.  Tomorrow.

I'll get the list tonight.  Just dishes and a shower left, and an easy part.  All dishes have been hit once.  Later or good night.

A sunny day.

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Rather cool.  Definitely below freezing, but bright.  Without wind or even a breeze it just doesn't feel all that cold.  It is a picture perfect winter day.  Oddly, apricity seems negligible?  Pretty, just nothing doing.  All good, at least on this day.  Bright makes up for nil on still air days.  I wonder if their is a word for calm air days or periods, more positive than doldrums?

I have had trouble waking the last few mornings.  This morning it was because I was awake so late.  Supper took me to 1:30, between cooking, eating, and settling.  It wasn't as good as the turkey, but it was still quite good.  I have two left over, one after lunch.

A few things.

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With one tire fixed, another would get a hole in it.  But the youngest neighbor son brought a kit.  So, mostly holding a light on my part, the tire was pulled, repaired, the chain put back on, and reassembled.  Then he got the roof snow rake out and cleared some of that.  He needed to take that home, it is not always used, but it puts the mind to ease with two and more feet in a day.

Blood sugar has been good, 113 after lunch, 101 now.  I was a bit surprised, it often goes up in the late afternoon.  My averages are trending higher.  Not because they actually are higher, it is just that I  am only doing fasting read and one other daily reading.  Fasting read is sticking higher, oddly because I am eating less, and less often, thus fewer readings.  Ugh.  I may cut slow acting insulin, while I eat less.  Who ever knows!

 I will be up a bit late.  I am brining chicken hindquarters.  One of the turkeys had been brined, the smoked one.  While both were done expertly, when I thought about chicken, the brined one popped into memory.  No choice.  I used italian mix, lemons, and ground salt.  Oh yes, I will enjoy.

I need to figure life, sort some things out.  I need to get off my butt.  I have to find a way to push.  Either shit, die, or get going.  I... would like to say I refuse to remain stuck here.  But not even that is mine to choose.  But, I can say I will do anything moral and legal to gain traction.  I have to... try.  And, yes, there is, sometimes, only try.  Hopefully not this time.

Later, or good night should I not post again.  You will be in my prayers.

A bit more snow?

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According to predictions, it would be no surprise.  I looked out from upstairs.  It looked like more snow, but the angle is wrong to be sure or tell how much.  Waking, breakfast, and the cats fed.  Soon to get to the ducks, then I will know.  I am not moving fast today.  I really didn't want to get up.  I simply couldn't sleep more.

Blood sugar was 129 fasting this morning.  No, I wasn't careful with what I ate yesterday, if I watched volume?  A bit, if not exactly a diet volume.  And I did go for a minor helping of seconds.  No pie though.  I guess a feast is possible from time to time.

I am hoping to roast hindquarters later.  Hmm, I may begin their brine.  Not necessary, but it does add that chef, mom, or wifely touch.  Food should receive proper attention, it is the sacrifice of mundane life.  Something dies so something else can live.  And we yet live in a world of miracles.  Food availability is just one.  It is Thanksgiving every day.

A fatted coffee as I decide whether I can get going or need a nap.  Later.

An invitation.

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I heard work happening outdoors, so went to chatter.  It was the father, but the two boys still at home showed up shortly.  The lawn tractor helps, but the walk behind blower has failed due to the wetness.  I really would like to see if pieces of mudflap would really help.  As well, it was the amount of snow.  Just making or finding a place for all that snow, was the trick.

While talking, if he decided to check with the wife first, an invitation to dinner.  I get asked often, but my sleep schedule can be so off.  I don't know when I will be awake in a week.  Truly.  I had just awaken, but needed a shower.  There was time.  So... it all fit.  I was going slow, but aimed just right.

It was a picture perfect Thanksgiving dinner.  Two families, my friend family and a sibling's family, plus the matriarch.  Many children, it was good to see in every way?  Are families difficult?  The options are worse.  Dinner was excellent, a part of the picture perfect part.  A very good day.  AND, I didn't overstay.  Sometimes I am clueless.

Blood sugar is 88.  I did dose right as I left?  I think so.  A higher dose.  All good.

I called my brother, twice.  No one answered.  I left a brief greeting.  Sometimes the place is busy, perhaps they went out.  As long as they know I called, it is all good.  I will try, from now on.  I won't take it personal, unless he asks that I not call, or never answers after some number of holidays.

I hope your Thanksgiving was good, maybe great.  Mine was quite fine.

Good night.

Two feet?

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If not, three.  Snow.  That is a terrifying lot of it.  Both of my machines have been pressed into service.  The fellows working to keep areas clear have been hitting it every three to four hours through yesterday.  Had to sleep and we got as much again overnight as all of yesterday, give or take.  The snow blower isn't excellent, but with that much snow even it beats shoveling.

Blood sugar is 140 fasting.  I really need to cook.  The place is a bit messy.  Baking a chicken hindquarters before long.  I'd like to shower and do a bit of cleaning first.  The remaining burger isn't tasty anymore, but it will do, one last time.  I am baking a potato for a quick start.  Carbs, but it is Thanksgiving.

I'll also have to shovel my way to feed the ducks.  I'm up late because it was unusually cold up there last night.  It wasn't all that cold outside, so... no wind either.  I would have thought snow pack, 25° F, which would create a frozen seal, but without wind, it would get toasty.  Nope.

Oh, right.  Happy Thanksgiving!  Nothing is a complaint, here.  Just how it is.  I am... happy.  I already called my mom, will call my brother sometime between lunch and dinner... to try to miss their meal.  You know how that often goes though.  Some people eat in the early afternoon.  Ackh!  Too funny.  Later.

Sleep was difficult.

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Or, well, getting to it.  Too many body grumps?  Or, just... just because?  I was up past two.  To three or even later I can't remember.  When I got to bed I slept extremely well. A dream though.  For me, a very good dream.  I started a bit cool, but warmed well and quickly.  A good night.

I woke a bit after nine.  I woke well and happily.  The body still has minor aches, but the kind a man who stays active or fit loves to know.  The little muscle twinges from rest days... for whatever reasons.  It's organ, skeletal, and head aches and pains that are troubling.  If I could stay active enough, I would ache like this pretty much every day... this, actually, would be my most rested day, actually.  I used to live perpetually in this sort of pain.  Fitness never felt good, to me, but it felt right.  I miss the perpetuity of those days.  Pain is your friend.

Ah, the dream.  A fresh filly got a bit close.  I got closer.  Yeah.  A child, on the way.  She came to me, for money, for an abortion.  I refused, but opened my home.  She accepted.  Not the best way, but we ended up married, with a small tribe.  Like?  Love?  Getting it done.

I'm almost starting to believe all hopes and dreams about romance boil down to finding someone of the opposite sex who won't kill you in your sleep, or wide awake actually, who has a decent chance of not just leaving.  There has to be enough time, support, money, and space... no longer "middle class" assets, albeit.  Anyway, yeah, a good dream, if a bit ugly around the edges.  Not her, just the way it happened.

A look outside.  Another six to ten, and still snowing.  I had thought my lawn tractor key unreturned or lost.  Found it.  A bit of plowing shortly.  It sure looks pretty.

Right there I called my mom, to see about her weather.  They already got our last storm.  It was spent last night, I think she said.  I hated to tell her, but definitely more in the terrestrial mail.  Though they got a lighter load, perhaps they will slip through again.  Love when it works that way.

Blood sugar is 146 fasting.  I just... that isn't making sense.  Never mind, I will figure it all out.  Later.

Not much.

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It isn't that everything hurts.  Not all at once.  I'd say 66 percent of everything hurts at any given time.  As well, what hurts changes.  The pains are mostly mild.  Sometimes some of them cancel, though in minor ways.  Aspirin this morning, and as bedtime approaches.

The ducks were fed, watered, and offered time out.  Which they mostly declined.  I refreshed their water later in the day.  I do what I can for them.

I am trying to pull it together to go to the post.  A package.  I'll try to stay up on that.  Few boxes, many packages, so when it is my turn, I try to do my part.

Blood sugar has done fairly well.  After lunch it hit 96 then 123 this evening.  It often goes up, especially if my day stretches.  I went with 25 cc's of slow acting, since none went in yesterday.  Will see how well things work out tomorrow.  I sure hope I can keep it going.  I've gotten on a generally good track.  Bleh.

Good night.

Strange.

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Blood sugar.  It was 113 fasting, in spite of the wrong foods and no slow acting insulin... actually no insulin... yesterday.  And a 172 fasting blood sugar, actually from fasting?  Bah!  Very strange.  I am about to have a burger, warmed, on salad, with ranch.  As well, a fatted tea.  Back to keto.  It isn't a bad diet.  It could be better with a little help.  But it isn't bad.  It is just restrictive.

I need to get going, get the ducks fed and watered.  This month I will be buying a few more five gallon buckets, for mouse traps.  Life is cruel.  It is hard.  But who says it can't be fun?  Don't worry, with just enough water for the hordes to keep open, and the cold, they drown right as they freeze.  Becoming bait themselves.  "Is it cold"?  "Heck, no, come on down"!   "Dirty rat"!  "Ah, ah, ah... clean, name's Misery, I love company".

It is cold, probably permanently... for the winter.  More snow every day for the next three or four.  I'd gues we have had eight to twelve inches so far, if much has melted in.  And cold.  The wet from snow adds to it.  The right gear helps.  It is, beyond any doubt, winter now.  On the good side, it is healthy and timely, for a white winter.

On to chow.  Actually the ducks first.  Later.

A bit yesterday.

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Nothing planned, mind you.  Snow arrived.  I wasn't even much help.  Mostly a passenger.  The tire that keeps going flat was finally removed for repair.  Though tubeless, a tube was installed.  All good by me.  Yes, I asked, if only because the driver noted the discrepancy.  So after years, hopefully no more filling every time it is needed?

Then he arranged for room for a vehicle.  The trade was an allowance of space, under a roof for the family bikes.  After that, I became just the passenger.  He had things to do. I had a human ear.  So, I was out until pretty late, if more a talking pet rock.  It was good to get out.

I didn't get cold.  Oddly.  I think the cap and the gloves did the trick.  I wasn't sure if pricier gloves and mittens were worth the price.  In a simple and conclusive word, the goretex gloves I bought (on a major sale but still expensive to my mind) are fantastic.  So thin, not sure how they do that.  I have matching mittens, as well.

I did eat unwisely, then forgot slow acting insulin last night.  It was a long day.  I was beat just from being out and about, but quite glad for it.  Today?  I woke earlier than expected.  I hope to use the gift.  A bit sore, but nothing unusual.  Later.

Heated pork on crisp salad.

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With ranch dressing, mostly.

It doesn't always have to be fancy.  Often it can't be.  Still, that was fancy enough.  The dressing wasn't as strong as hoped, but not bad.  I may add a bit more spice.  I ended up eating the whole steak, but it had a large bone in it, and was only a quarter on an inch thick.  Delicious.  Blood sugar is slightly elevated, but 111 is doable.

I have only eaten twice.  So only two doses, smaller ones.  I am trying to ease back on the sticks, but still hitting it a bit stronger.  While I didn't use 25 cc's of the slow acting, I split the difference between that and 20.  Moderation while leveraging back from a mistake.  In part due to financial uncertainty.

Oh, and aha!  I finally found out why mineral high carbon steel has been such a dismal failure.  Stainless without non-stick?  All the time.  Cast?  Absolutely.  Just not these pans.  I tried so many ways.  I even tried seasoning them in the oven, then using them on the stove.  I was starting to take it personal.  Here is why.

Real food does help.

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I didn't bother with a final blood draw last night.  It had been running in the one teens to one forties.  I had a real meal, a dose, waited several hours the had the slow acting insulin at bedtime.  I was a little disappointed to see it 144 this morning.  Corrections take time.  A single half pound burger and half an avocado, with milk, a dose, and many hours later a 106 blood sugar.

I will have another meal shortly.  I am keeping them on the smaller side.  An half a pork steak and a smaller salad.  I really wish I had gotten sour cream.  Mayo and cream will have to do for salad dressing... well and spices.  It will do, if sour cream really jazzes things.

I may snap beans for tomorrow.  Sometime today.  Those and half a pack of mushrooms are the sorts of carbs I tolerate, moderated by a heaping lot of butter, dash of salt, and pinch of pepper.  I have a few cheeses to try.  I almost bought the more famous of stinky cheeses, but lost my nerve.  I need to find an approach vehicle, something(s) it goes well with?  I have other artisan cheeses to sample.  I should keep a log.

I have continued to eat salami.  More every other day or three, and probably less than an ounce, possibly less than half an ounce.  A slicing device which could do paper thin would be very helpful.  It is for taste more than substance... if one is wise.  Hmm, that might be what would go with the stinky cheese?

Ducks have been out twice today.  I have been awake at the right times and able to remember.  They are enjoying, or were.  The girls seem happier.  It seems like a good day, moment.  I thought about getting to church, it just wasn't possible.  But I smiled at God's place and He beamed back.  He knows.  Besides, He is literally always on or in my mind, plus a side focus... connection.  We are farther from strangers than some might suspect.  Smile?  When you are close, you are always in His smile.

Later.

A shower.

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And more!  I finally made it to the store.  I had to scrub first.  I must still smell.  It is the house.  Anyway.  Enough groceries to see me through to payday, with one special meal.  Has thanksgiving passed?  I think so.  Rather than turkey, or chicken, I went with oysters.  Strange, perhaps.  Usually a Christmas Eve thing when growing up.  Far easier than doing a whole turkey or chicken.  And, yet, still festive.

Not tonight.  Grilling.  Burgers, pork shoulder steak, and a veal chop I got a very nice deal on.  Food ahead for the week.  I've never had veal before, to my knowledge.  I didn't even know they still raised it!  I like trying new things.  I thought I forgot my list, so winged it.  Not the best, but some.  It was in my pocket, it just didn't feel like it, until I pulled my wallet as I was leaving.  Couldn't have afforded it all anyway.  *sigh*

Dinner is done and done.  Veal it was.  I don't think veal is best grilled.  It wasn't awful, it was more that it is too delicate a meat to handle the strength of smoke.  Some might truly enjoy it, but most wouldn't.  As I suggested, not awful.  As to veal itself?  I... suspect that is an acquired taste, to some degree.  Tender?  Amazingly.  But not terribly beefy.  No complaints, mind you, just notes.  It is amazing in texture and... something else.  A gentle meat to begin eating meat again with.

So tired.  Must sleep soon.  It is good to know food will be available.  Blood sugar has been going up, dosing hasn't been helping.  Good night.

Doldrums indeed.

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Winter... fall?  As often as it freezes I could mostly call it either if it is more a combination.  Much better than summer doldrums, that heat is a ballbreaker.  At least with the cool, sleep is good, IF I can figure out enough bodily warmth.  Elevated feet, the right blankets, a stocking hat, and a robe as needed.  I don't sleep cold.  Actually, I am wondering if my body puts out more insulin if it is too cold.  Blood sugar was 143 this morning, while I am toasty warm.

Nothing, yesterday.  Part of it was no heat.  The furnace was at 66°.  I never realized to turn it up.  First thing today.  Eating almost nothing, barely drinking a gallon a day, sometimes half that.  I know, I said I was down to a gallon before, if more like that and an half.  And, that was true... of cold tea.  I was drinking three to four quarts of fatted tea or coffee too.  Now, the gallon or less includes all.

Yeah.  I need to get to the store.  Believe it or not, I am extremely hungry.  Not thirsty, could fix that.  Cooler weather slakes thirst.  Same plan as yesterday.  Plus grocery shopping if possible.  Ugh.  I better reset the furnace before another day is gone.  Later.

Someone is, or is trying to, put two and two together.

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Insanity?  Or a true timekiller?  He fears he experienced it.  Denial.

Not eating.

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Between too little variety, something just wrong, and no energy to overcome the first problems, food just...  I can't eat.  Blood sugar is going high, 140 fasting this morning.  Higher yesterday, if I ate absolutely nothing so didn't dose two days ago.  Yesterday I had a fatted tea and nuts, for breakfast, so I could dose.  Blood sugar was down to 99 at bedtime last night.  Not doing well.  Shopping, soon?

A shower and trim shortly.  A fatted coffee and very small portions of salami, cheese if I can find some.  Recheck my grocery list.  Tend the pets.  And... see from there.  May shower before starting my waking time.  Going to hit it, push, if I can find substance from mind and will and get it to engage with my flesh.  I may not be the ghost of Sparta, but a ghost I am, sometimes.  Later.

Must have needed it.

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Down by 20:30.  I initially woke at 3:30, and was almost sure I was awake.  I started to think about something, then nothing.  4:30?  Wow.  Weird, but I am up now, for sure.  I rolled over to 6:30!  Very weird!  But definitely awake, as sleep almost ate me again.  No!   So, I got up, used the facility, set up the machine, and sit writing this, as the clock says 6:06?  So toast.  No, both the upstairs clock and this one are radio linked to the Colorado nuclear time system.  I... don't know what... that... was.  I very rarely see that in waking time.  Others have experienced it for the first time in my presence.

When I suggest accidental transcendentalism, I don't mean it merely in a personal, private, or psychological way.  In some ways, it is purely objective and impersonal.  Quite real, no longer having much to do with me.  It can frighten or terrify friend, stranger, or foe.  Perhaps it is some sort of pheromone or hormone released, which has slightly... hallucinogenic properties?  I...always seek potential scientific explanations.  I like spiritual, faith has it's reasons.  But, in time, what faith now requires will become actual science as a knowledge.  So...

Of course, I neither need or expect belief, even from those of you who have experienced it.  Like the guys I k.o.ed, their minds always looked for any explanation which didn't leave them naked, alone, vulnerable, in the dark, without any say.  It terrifies more to lose temporary control than almost anything else.  Denial is common. Even I... attempt denial, when I forget, or it's possible.

So warm upstairs.  62° F.  It was 57°  at bedtime.  Almost too warm.  It doesn't seem to matter whether I leave the door downstairs open or not.  Sleep was good enough.  And I actually didn't feel too cold or hot.  It is just strange.  Thursday already.  I suppose I best get busy before I have another dead week.  Later.

Oh, probably just quirks.

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Strange new and old, popping like popcorn.  Irresistible.  Could it be?

Nothing more doing.

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I don't function well lately.  Almost not at all.  And today, blood sugar remains slightly elevated, in spite of my best efforts.  I suspect it is from a lack of better, more substantial food.  I haven't been staying away from the store for financial reasons, mostly.  I just haven't been able to get all together and go.  For weeks.

Working on it.  If I can find corned beef at a price I can do, that and cabbage.  Perhaps carrots.  Or a chuck roast.  The rest will be chicken and or pork, unless that too has become to expensive for the "middle class".  Man, it is getting so that starving isn't a choice.  It's what's for dinner.

On the other hand, when people have had it, I don't think elites will even see it coming.  When was the last time Biden, Pelosi, Ginsberg, McConnell, or even Trump had to go without beef, or whatever they like, because the price was simply too high?  If I am choking, I can only imagine a family.  Is the whole under $40 to $50 k lot drowning?  Have to be.  It can only last so long.

Bedtime.  Sleep well.

Whether of thatch, logarithm, or other...

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It makes no difference to me.

Not always what was wanted.

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Lists of lists.  Things to do.  Work, chores, calls, bills, etc.  All have their own best and worst times.  Some by date, others by time, the last are regulated by my capacity.  As well, there are daily chores, but... when I am running a time lapse, and my days are very long or very short... I can only do what I can do.

I finally called my brother.  I called once to no answer, called my mom and she made a suggestion, then called again.  Had good talks on both calls.  I have learned the trick... don't be family, don't be right, and listen?  Something like that.  I learned from my mom, when she remembers, which is almost always now.  It is good to have family.  I will try to keep up, and add a few more, now that humility and civility are... nearing automation.  An aunt I have always adored, an sob of an uncle, a cousin or two.  Just... to... be alive... more alive... for a while longer.

I... don't know why, but time has flown this morning.  I checked my account, I should have enough for groceries finally.  I created a list, but may not get all.  Oh, crap, one last bill is overdue.  Water.  This coming month... Ugh.  So close to having everything caught up.  It is tight anyway, but being behind is murder.

I'll hit aspirin again.  Fluids aren't being expelled quickly, but taking more waterpills makes me quite ill.  It'll just have to be a slow grind.  At least, mostly, no area is screaming, if quite a few are sore.  Yes aspirin.  Blood sugar went up without eating.  I had forgotten it does that when average goes below 150.  My monthly average is at 119.  Anyway, at 118 I dosed, am eating, and will figure out how to eat more.  Popcorn?  It seems like a bad food, but usually gets insulin to work better than not eating enough.

It is gray and 40° F out there.  Still... it is a good day.  Later.

About right.

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My sleep cycle that is.  Down at 19:30, up at 3:00.  Sam woke me once, I she failed after that.  I slept out on the open floor, since going to bed close enough to the dark I don't need the protections the closet offers.  Perhaps you know, or don't, the desperate need for sleep and the inability to attain it for the light of day.

Oddly, I think it was easier to lift off the floor this morning.  I would have thought, despite the close confines of the closet, having walls to pressure off would have made it easier.  Then again, I don't really remember getting up.  So maybe it is a waking short term memory issue, not a comparison.

I am really considering putting a bolt in, or two, over my sleeping areas, so as to put in a knotted rope.  Using that to strengthen my arms and get up easier?  The thing that is a bit spooky about that is how clumsy and dubious strength can be in the morning.  Then again, for how fragile much of my health is, my bones are absolutely solid.  I can, probably, handle a minor fall without to much damage.  Though, I may not actually have the strength needed.  Perhaps at angles?

Blood sugar was a bit high most of yesterday.  Starting at 117 to 111 to 123 ending at 78 if nearly fasting.  I couldn't eat much.  A fatted coffee or tea was two of my meals.  I took a 8 cc dose with what I could eat for the first reads.  It finally worked.  I don't think, regardless of how many calories are supposed to be in it, that my body actually counts a fatted coffee or tea as a caloric food?  Which is required, in my system, for the insulin to be able to act.

On the good side, blood sugar is 104 fasting this morning.  To be honest, I would much rather have higher aftermeal reads, and a lower fasting morning read, so...  Ah, I took 20 cc's of the slow acting insulin in spite of the lower last read.  My body really does put out a lot of insulin at night.  If I could regulate sleep, I would avoid eating for five to eight hours before bed.  It definitely lowers how much insulin my body puts out.  I will use that as much as my sleep issues allow.

Legs are still sore from swelling. Why not the feet and ankles?  Pickle juice, tea, and three waterpills (my usual, if I keep looking for a way to lower that), aspirin as all the aches remain as well as occasional feverishness.  I'll see if my list of chores can be reduced today.  Later.

Sometimes I am so very wrong.

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That was very fast.

Annoying?

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This first vid keeps popping.  Insinuation?  If you know the flick, you know nothing is quite as it seems.  Nothing.  You almost can't think it back through... unless you were Tyler first, and as I have mentioned, always will be.  A devil may not be an angel, but he isn't a demon either.

Today is as yesterday.

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Better.  But just.  Not good definitely not great.  Aspirin first thing, and waterpills, three.  My usual number.  And to set up medication, the rest of it.  I will continue with pickle juice and tea, trying to find equilibrium.  Mouth is so dry, but my legs, from just above the ankles to nearly the knees are swollen so bad they hurt.  I may have to find my really long compression socks.

I thought I had caught the waterpills in time, seems not.  That may be why my lungs burn.  The thing I don't get, is if my heart is better, why is blood still backing into my lungs?  Why do I still need heart medicine?  I don't think they actually know what they are talking about.  They sure don't explain it well.

Sam was up several times.  Sure, she wakes me, but I don't mind.  I think the closet sleeping is why Sassy doesn't go up.  But, now that I am sleeping at about dark, I am going to sleep out in the room.  I sure wish I had a heavy-duty chair to help get up, wherever I sleep.  I might have to look for one.  Not a lazy-boy type, that would be murder to get upstairs.

Perhaps even just a very heavy, squat, endtable?  It isn't pure weakness, it is that plus waking weakness.  Muscles and all just are coordinated first thing.  I can pop off a standard bed, but all that is needed for that is leg strength.  I figure, in time, I will gain more arm strength, and a sort of muscle memory.  But, for now, a minor booster would be good.

The V.A. has arranged an appointment before the paperwork is due.  It is just primary, but it is a start.  I need to clear my head so as to catalog the symptoms, actually sets of symptoms.  The flu-like thing is it's own thing, probably carrying something, or something I was exposed to but never fully beat.  Then what I suspect are symptoms from occasional organ brown-outs.  They don't quit, completely, they just slow way down.  Then the exhaustion and confusion.  I am sure there might be connections, but not always.  Yes, lists.  And questions.  If my heart is better, why am I not?

Blood sugar is better, at 117 fasting.  The last blood sugar was 101 up from 76 without food, so I used 23 cc's of slow acting insulin.  I do my best at derivating needed insulin and do... okay.  The goal is still 100 fasting.  I have room to improve.  Still, it's been over a week with 155 as the highest reading, generally by a significant spread.

Well, on to waking.  Good morning and day, perhaps good night for some of you night owls out there.

Better.

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Not good, just better.  Kidneys still hurt.  Actually everything but the headache remains.  Everything is muted, except the tired feeling of the heart.  That is the same.  Well, the fever has gone for now, replaced by chills.  It's worse when they both exist at the same time.

I suspect the improvements are from aspirin and pickle juice.  I am about to take a few waterpills and try for a nap.  The V.A. has gotten back to me, but I haven't heard anything final.  I may simply be required to wait until my appointment in January, turn in the social security paperwork in December, and tell them I am attempting to get the V.A. to more fully evaluate my conditions.

Sam is having difficulty eating.  I am hoping it is just the cold.  It cooled a bit, and got darker today.  I know what that can do to me.  But, I know, she is slowly slipping away.  All I can do is be as good of a friend as possible for the time she has left.  She has been a wonderful friend for many years now.

I best nap myself.  I'll leave the door open.  She may join me for a bit.  Then again, I think she knows I am in a bit of a spot myself.  Animals can just tell.  Oh, but blood sugar came down nicely.  I used 15 cc's of fast acting insulin and blood sugar dropped to 84 then 76.  I... guess I don't need as much as I used to require.  Later.

Aha!?!

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Taking in fluid was not helping.  The more I drank the drier my mouth got, and the worse I felt.  Aspirin went down.  As it started to take hold, I was able to think.  Definitely dehydration, a serious enough case of it that the kidneys were choking on the dry.  As was I.  How had I dealt with deep dehydration before?

Pickle juice!  Right.  It was a seriously powerful fix.  Too salty?  No, the vinegar seems to mitigate that.  Something in it does.  But, then again, I don't drink much.  A quarter cup, every half to several hours as desired, until the grail and or fever in the throat is gone.  Then I drink as much other fluid as possible, as pure as possible.  I can't drink much water, or even straight tea, it makes the dryness worse, even swelling my throat shut with as little as a half pint.  Sometimes I can drink more, just not when too dehydrated.

So, yes.  Pickle juice, a first shot.  More after I finish.  As well, some slightly salty soup.  I have to avoid salami for a while, but a bit of saltiness is required to hold some of the fluid.  Salami will be a small, twice a week treat from now on.  Balance.  I still have to take waterpills, just not as many, or for now.  Two, for now.  It's all engineering, medicine.  It really isn't science.  I are an engineer, of sorts.  Within what is possible.

I made it to the post.  Packages.  They had been in my box, but it overfilled.  I got to it before it became a bother.  I do my best.  Sometimes my best is slow.  Not this time.

Later.

Something is terribly wrong.

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I haven't hurt like this in a long time.  A major headache, fever and chills, biceps to kidneys feel as if I had been in a serious scrap against two or three thugs.  My calf has a charliehorse.  Several areas do, including my left wrist.  My lungs burn, hot.  And my heart is so tired, achy, sore.

I think I used too many waterpills.  They didn't evacuate fluids evenly.  I had thought it was working, but it isn't, not evenly.  My right foot and ankle is normal, at least in appearance.  The left side not so much.  As well, in spite of brushing, my mouth is so dry that bad breath persists.  That has been true for a while now, it is just worse.

Blood sugar is 155 fasting.  That shouldn't be.  It was 88 at bedtime, I hadn't eaten for hours, I consumed keto.  I only took 18 cc's of slow acting insulin, but that was more than yesterday with a lower bedtime blood sugar.  I think it was kidneys not working, for whatever... extreme dehydration?  They sure hurt.

Well, aspirin and fewer waterpills.  I still need to take.  I'd best drink a bit more too.  A horrible night and start to the day.  It's what I have.  Later.

Bedtime.

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Not much.  The ducks were given a second outing and the girls were fed.  I did do a second dose of fast acting insulin with my last meal.  Blood sugar is 88 now, perfect.  I used 18 cc's of slow acting, trying to minimize insulin.  Tomorrow will begin to tell.  Will see when meat is back on the menu.

Bedtime indeed.  Good night, and blessings.

Had to chuckle.

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I kept eating.  Not all that much, but constant.  Hungry?  Not really.  I think my body wants meat.  What I have just doesn't work.  Anyway.  I did get around to making chocolate pudding, whipped cream, and chia, then mixing parts and adding walnuts.  Every bit as good as it might seem.  Though, of course, I didn't eat a quarter of any of it.  Next time with pecans?

It has been two hours, finally, since my last meal, the pudding mix.  With all, I was worried about a higher blood sugar.  Sure enough, higher.  THAT is what made me laugh.  One dose of fast acting with the first breakfast, then eating all morning, and I count 105 as a high read?  True, not in the 90's, but easily good enough... in no way too high.

Right.  I want to work, but my lungs burn.  Muscles too, from little effort.  I am looking for an opportunity.  Later.

Down very hard.

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I am guessing, from historical documents, that I went down around 11:30 yesterday.  The timestamp on blogger is always way off, but phone use is accurate.  The body tried to wake several times, and I heard someone in my house which stirred me.  Just not enough to get up.  Besides, I can tell who.  The lad walks with two left feet!  I was finally able to shake sleep at about 3:00~3:30.

 Blood sugar is 130 fasting.  I only used 15 cc's of the slow acting insulin though.  Blood sugar was 97 after a meal, so I worried.  Perhaps 18 cc's in between 90 and 100?  Yeah.  Weekly average is 105 biweekly is 106 and monthly is 124.  If I get the monthly average to ~105, that will probably be as good as it gets.  Though, I may have to take 25 cc's to get fasting to ~100.

Today?  I am hoping a shower, shave, and cleaning the bathroom.  It has been stripped bare.  So just a fresh sweep, washing the ceramics, and mopping.  If anything else is possible, it would be installing shelving, a standing closet, and some lighting up there. Possible.  I need to go grocery shopping soon.  My preferred stores are all closed on Sunday, something I support mind you.

Of course, with real food to eat, adjustments will have to be made to insulin and consumption in order to keep the numbers.  Then again... I have been surprised by the volume of the right food I can eat without upsetting blood sugar.  Weight is another matter.  And, yes, weight is coming into it's own as a consideration both after and through lower blood sugar readings.  Later.

Nothing doing.

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I attempted to do paperwork online.  It just wouldn't go through.  I contacted the other end.  No reply so far.  A small breakfast.  That was it.  Tired.  Unable to focus.  The cats and ducks have been tended.  Blood sugar is staying just above 90.  I think I am about to crash.  I will take slow acting insulin, again just 15 cc's.  With blood sugar that low.  I will skip supper, lunch?  Whatever.

It was warm enough yesterday and today to do some airing out.  I was so surprised, but took the opportunity.  It was good.  Later.  Good night, actually.

Odd.

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I went down right at 20:00.  Slept until 1:30, but cruised to 2:30.  Someone was in my house, but I knew who and why.  Part of what woke me.  Not a problem, I was waking already.

The water pills did there work.  Between yesterday and last night I purged two to two and an half gallons.  There is still a small amount of swelling.  I will take more today, and set up the lighter medicines.  Blood sugar is 134 fasting, but I only took 15 cc's of slow acting insulin because blood sugar was so low.  And I ate something a bit carby.  I'd much have it run a bit high than to wake in a dire low insulin level.  And, remember, I used no fast acting insulin yesterday, and I think only one 8 cc dose the day before.  I will have 8 cc's this morning, with breakfast.

I plan on making more pudding, but also chia, and mixing the two.  It would be similar to small pearl tapioca mixed in.  Toss in walnuts, and/or pumpkin seed, and or pecans, plus whipped cream?  A rather good keto treat meal.  Watch portions, an half cup with a dollop of whipped cream, and you are golden.

I am not sure if I am going to stay awake.  Will know soon.  I set the kitchen timer for several hours.  I will feed the girls then, and either shower or go back to bed.  Depending on if I see my shadow?  I am my shadow!  Never mind.  That is the plan.  If staying awake, after the shower I will finish the bathroom.  Then get a lamp or two upstairs, plus start on storage?  Hopefully.

Later.

A bit.

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Not all, but some.  Two loads of laundry, if no dishes.  Three business calls and both bills paid.  A shower but no shave.  Several other odds and ends.  Still rough, just able to do a bit.

Blood sugar is staying a bit low.  Eating enough has become difficult.  The last read was 81 so I had to eat.  I haven't taken, or needed, fast acting insulin today.  Blood sugar has been in the low 90s other than the first and last, but they average to 90.  Even having eaten, with blood sugar that low, I cut the slow acting insulin to 15 cc's.  Tomorrow will tell if that was right.  Unless there is a problem during the night.

Oh, salami is a bit too high in salt.  I'll have to eat smaller amounts and less frequently. Very doable.  Legs and feet swelled something awful.  No worries, I know how to fix that.  Lesson learned, for as long as I can remember.

Another shower tomorrow, and shave.  Plus cleaning the bathroom and starting dishes?  Perhaps a lamp upstairs and putting up some storage?  I'll do as I may.  Bedtime for now.  Sleep well.

Cats and laundry.

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Plus breakfast and lunch.  Almost.  I am waiting for the laundry to fully dry, hopefully this second spin.  Then I will shower, dress, and feed the ducks... and other things?  Hopefully.  Blood sugar dropped to 90 after having salami for breakfast.  More salami, this time with brie, and a fatted coffee shortly.  I really need to do grocery shopping.

I had forgotten to turn the furnace up.  As I was doing laundry I realized the issue and fixed it.  Thankfully it hasn't caused problems with the plans, but would have.  It looks like today might be better.  I sure hope so.  I am impossibly far behind.  That is no excuse for quitting.

Later.

Waking from another crash.

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I fell again at 22:30, shortly after waking.  I woke at 3:30.  Blood sugar is 102 fasting.  I am having salami, without a dose.  I can't put fresh tea on until I work through cold to make room for what is in the pot.  Usually that is organized through my day.  But with a two hour day, I didn't even get a fatted tea or coffee.  I was crashing almost as soon as I woke.  At least I got a shower.

Whites are going in right away.  A timer has been set to feed the girls, at which time I will dry the whites, take a shower, and set up dishes.  That is the plan.  I trimmed whiskers, so am hoping to shave today.  And I need to set up medicine.  I hope all the extra sleep will see me ready.

I have been gaming, but even that is above my current paygrade.  Blogging has been spotty.  Even watching movies on or through amazon prime is a challenge.  I can only do small bits of this or that before having to move on, or go back to bed.  It really is a difficult time.

Hmm... maybe some extra heat?  When fresh tea is going, I hope to make chia with sugar free strawberry preserves... or jam.  Still a bit sugary, as a berry... dose is your friend, and gluco-drops... again with dose control.  If it is too little, you may atrophy (self-cannibalize), too much and you poison yourself, even if it is just through fat storage by insulin as a biproduct.  Later.

Awake again.

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I can't be sure when I went down.  Before noon, I am almost certain.  Waking at 20:30 means a full sleep.  I was worried about blood sugar, as right before crashing I had a larger salami and brie lunch, but didn't do another dose.  As it turns out, no need to worry.  Blood sugar is 114 fasting.  Oh, and since awake at the right time, I will dose with slow acting blood sugar.  I will keep it at 20 cc's for at least another week.  I want to see fasting closer to 100.

I will shower today... tonight.  And probably tomorrow, whatever that word means.  And call and work.  I may end up going back to bed after drying from the shower.  Life, currently, is harsh.  I'll keep trying.  Later.

Very good.

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Blood sugar went from 128 to 111 with the slow acting insulin, now down to 20 cc's, perhaps to be bumped down a few more cc's soon.  Then, with a heavy but truly keto meal and 8 cc's of the fast acting stuff, it is down to 97.  I do believe more salami would be good.

The ducks have had their first time out, and were enjoying it.  I only shoo them back in for their own safety.  I hope to let them out again later.  It was warm enough to run fresh water into their pool.  Clean ducks are warm ducks... and happy ducks.  Yea, I like critters and kids, in the right ways.

A few calls today.  Bills and personal.  Behind, but... will try.  Or tomorrow.  My heart is tired.  Not sore or ill otherwise.  A shower before long.  I would really like a bath a time or two a week.  I need to soak my feet and that is the easiest way.  Perhaps working in the bathroom, definitely doing a load of whites.  I need to go shopping, but can't quite yet.  Later.

Awake

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Surprised?  I am, some days.  Blood sugar is 128 fasting.  Should be lower, but the body just does it's own thing.  All day yesterday, blood sugar stayed between 91 and 95 after the 101 reading, and with only the single doses of slow and fast acting insulin.  I didn't have another meal until 17:00, a very light one, then went to bed at 19:30.  A very long day.  I am trying to get days back, for as long as possible.  The ducks were given two times out, but returned to their pen quickly the second time.

Sam continues to... what... yeowl through the veil.  I do know that.  She sees what has gone before, what waits, but can't let go.  The body isn't ready or able to... release.  I feel for her, but can't, won't, interfere.  Death must come in it's agonizing slow painful time.  I let her go, but offer her comfort when she will take it.  A bit jealous, her time approaches.  It might be years off, but barring... interference of some sort, I have decades to yeowl left, more dead than alive.  Speak of the devil... she knows even when I think of her.

Not so hungry first thing, so slow acting insulin is going in first.  I should have pushed, taken it at or a few hours before bedtime.  I was just holding on, thinner than skinny of thought.  I couldn't have thought myself to that within the moment.  But I CAN precognition a thing, preset parameters, then zombie act.  So it is done.  It isn't a forever thing, as my schedule changes without control.

Not one major bloody nose this morning!  TWO!  Bastard nose.  Sure, the rest of me too, but I pick on misbehaving parts as need be.  Not literally, mind you.  But no headache.  Aspirin relieves one, creates the other, problem?  I need to reset some meds today, and check bp.

Fresh tea is brewing.  A few pieces of salami, chia with pumpkin seeds, and a fatted coffee in an hour or two.  A strange breakfast, but it does well for my purposes.  And it might well surprise you how good it tastes, even purely keto.  It does take choice and sacrifice to get to this point.  But once here, going most of a day without food isn't a concern.  The difficult part of keto is the psychology of wanting food as a drug.  Carbs are sugar is crack.  I miss the rush... crave it.  More than I missed tobacco or booze.  Two years since my last drink now?  Three or four since tobacco?  QUITTER!  ;p

Good day, night, and morning.

Often surprised.

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A larger breakfast, or it seemed.  Still, I kept to a suggested dose, 8 cc's.  I didn't think it would bring it down.  At 101 the control is about perfect.  I need to take slow acting now.  The goal is 17:00 to 19:00, but with cycles so screwy I do what I can.  I went to bed early afternoon, too early.  I woke shortly after midnight, but was hungry.  Too hungry.  So, now, between meals, is my chance.

I did start the insulin log.  It stays on the fridge, and will go to the doctor offices with me.  I am putting a date heading, then lines for; time; current (or last check) blood sugar; and amount and type of insulin taken.  That... should alleviate... mistakes.  Those mistakes can be lethal.  Ugh.  Nearly have been.

I won't eat for another four hours.  I may crash first.  Hmm...  I wonder...  Perhaps measuring food, exactly, then tracking calories?  Or as closely as possible?  I have a decent kitchen scale.  Accurate to 0.1 ounces or better, .1 gram actually, it just doesn't go down the two or three decimal places to equivalent accuracy.  I... think.  Weigh it all, from chia seed to cream to prepopped popcorn.  I have a calorie book... somewhere.  Though there is always the internet.  Anyway...

It is 38° F outside.  Which is very good.  The last night I checked, it was 17°, if that was two or three (?) days ago.  It won't even freeze the water for the ducks.  Very nice.  I have it set too 70°.  That seems way too hot.  With it so warm outside, that makes sense.  I can probably go with 66°.  Anywho, later.

Oh, but first?  *blush*

Sleep cycle is insane.

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When I go to bed, without choice, I can't tell if it will be for three hours or as many as twelve.  I haven't slept longer, yet.  The same goes for waking periods, they too are between three and twelve hours.  No choices.  When awake, the world closes in to the point I can't keep my eyes open or think.  I stop being able to see a next move.  The pain of sleepiness slowly increases as well.  When I wake, I pop out of sleep, no going back.  In spite of how it may seem, I can't stay in bed if I am not sleeping.  It is too uncomfortable.

I am surprised my feet and ankles aren't swollen.  Daily headaches, more really, was my first symptomatic tipoff.  Possibly grogginess, sleep problems, and general psychic fog, but those... slip under the radar by their very nature.  As well, they make noticing other problems much more difficult.

I am going to restart all the easy stuff first.  Since I am not puffing up about feet and legs, I will go with one water pill.  After a week, two actually, of that, I will start the hard stuff, 6 mg bid... uhrm twice a day... to start.  Ugh, but this hurts.  Hmm...  I really should start with 6 right off, but I want to see what the little league stuff, vitamins, and minerals do, on their own, for two weeks.

Fresh tea is brewing.  Blood sugar is a bit higher at 138 fasting, weekly average is 106.  I am going to start keeping an insulin log, I... can't remember what I took, or when... gets spooky... in the dark... taking potentially deadly stuff.  To be able to see wars thousands of miles away, see people's dreams, remember the past and present, remaining... relatively sane, but not to know if I took insulin?  Bah!

Later.

Someone suggests keto flu.

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Not an unreasonable suggestion.  That and I have completely lost track of heart medicine, vitamins, and minerals!  How could I forget?  How long has it been?  A week or weeks?  I honestly don't know on either score.  I'll have to see if I have lower doses of carvedilol.  Worst case, I have to split pills.  They are an oblong diamond shape, so don't cut in a pill cutter, and don't split evenly, so doses are irregular.

Yeah.  Definitely the minerals help keep keto flu down.  But the effects of being off meds...  How in the world did that happen?  Ah!  Winter happened, and early.  My mind went to sleep, some portion of it.  It is embarrassing to admit.  But, there it is.  Now the explosive bloody noses and daily worsening headaches make sense.

Oddly, diabetes is... my weekly average is 104.  I am wondering if there is some conflict between heart medicine and diabetes?  Time will tell.  I thought it was still Sunday.  Oh well.  I... It is bedtime.  I will solve this the next time I am awake.  I do think keto flu is a strong component, if not the only one.  Good night and afternoon.

Something is very off.

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I crashed again.  I am not sure... hmm, actually I did a read right before going back to bed, to make sure it wasn't a blood sugar dip I wasn't sensing.  It says 11:10, so up to ten minutes after.  I am woke at 18:30, so a full night's sleep.  It has been dark.  That might be it.  And it is already sundown at this time.  So... yeah, it's a seasonal adjustment phase.  Ugh.

I did get blood sugar to 148 earlier.  A quart of milk did that, as popcorn doesn't really move the dial.  At waking, blood sugar is 109 fasting.  Crazy.  With sleep crashing in as it is, I may have to just peg taking slow acting insulin at a specific time of day, say between 17:00 and 19:00, unless I will be sleeping... adjusting as necessary.  It gets screwy when time gets lost in sleep though.

Fresh tea is brewing.  The last of the pudding will be had, or nearly?  Probably makes for or five half cup servings.  With a few nuts or seeds, it makes a reasonable side.  And it is nice to have chocolate that doesn't shred keto and diabetes.  Halloween candy wouldn't have been so nasty if I had found this first.  I'll bet they have vanilla and butterscotch too.  I am not fond of butterscotch, but... even my diet isn't all about me? Right.  You don't have to understand, if every mother who cooks for a family does.

A side ache?  As if gassy?  The world is a dark, strange, place.  My dreams were... not good.  Prophetic.  I won't share though.  No use.  Americans have decided their fate.  No words will change the collective suicide of a people.  What does surprise me is how so many will be so surprised when they finally realize what has happened.

Later.

What am I doing right or wrong?

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Seriously lower blood sugar.  After a reasonable meal, no fast acting insulin, blood sugar is 85.  I have to eat more.  I need to shop tomorrow, meats.  I may lower the slow acting dose.  Say, down 5 cc's to 20 cc's.  I am already not using fast acting often.  It's still good to have on hand.  The thing is, morning blood draws are still a bit high.  Tricky to get this without getting that.

A bowl of popcorn will do?  Yeah.

Ducks were let out.  I feed them enough for two days, but like to put fresh water daily, and let them out for a bit.  If I can be up correctly, letting them out twice would be good.  With the posts holes dug, I just need to decide the best way to set the posts.  Cement is out.  Either foam or dirt, with or without tarring the posts first.  I... just don't know.

I'd like to do whites, finish the dishes in the sink, shower, and set up dishes in the tub.  Maybe.  Oddly, with the furnace only at 70°, I am almost too warm.  Bundled, but no more than usual.  I'm telling you, my body is really weird.  When it works, fully...  St. Michael's sword?  Son.  Believe as you wish, I only suspect.  I am all but sure it has to be crippled... until the trumpet sounds.  So be it.

A nap, it turns out.

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I really thought, from feel and experience, that I was going down for a longer count.  Sore, sleepy, weary, groggy, all together in one packet.  I wanted to go down long.  Three hours about as exactly as... no I think just exactly... given a half minute to settle in and similar to rise.

Blood sugar is 72 at waking.  I best eat.  No need for insulin.  Oh, earlier I suggested I wouldn't dose if below twenty.  Unless I was eating.  Since I always eat when I dose... my real cutoff is around 100-110, depending on what I am eating.  Just a fatted tea?  110.  A fatted tea, three eggs and cheese, plus etc?  100.  I am well below dosing.  Hmm, I have tuna and pudding, with walnuts this time.  And a glass of milk.

Very strange.  I am not eating or drinking much differently than before.  Something doesn't make sense unless my suspicions, certain among them, were true.  The rooster indeed?  Indeed.  Later.

Crashing.

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Probably need food, meat.  Liquid food is limited.  Eggs are thin too, even pickled.  Everything I have in stock is light food.  I finally looked at the instructions for sugarless chocolate pudding.  I always thought cooking would be involved.  Nope.  Just add the packet to milk, add whatever sugar replacement, and beat for two minutes.  Really?  Out of curiosity and hunger plus wanting something different, I did it.  I let it chill for an half hour, then had a small pyrex ramikan of the stuff, with a small grab of pecans.  Not bad.  But, again, too light to manage hunger, or meat craving.

The temp was turned up when I woke, so it isn't that, if I am still cold.  Perhaps yesterday just wore me out.  Not all that much but it is the most done in some time.  Then again, what woke me was a massive bloody nose.  I was dead asleep, but felt something, then initially tasted the blood.  Was still tired, but the fuss disturbed sleep.

Back to bed.  Good night, again I guess.

A nap was the plan.

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I... seem able to lose time in all ways, if without control.  I had been keeping to days and nights, very roughly.  Up many hours, twelve to twenty or so, then down six to twelve.  Not a plan, can't control or contain sleep or wakefulness, but at least I had some sense of a day and night.  One slip doesn't mean it is gone, if it often indicates a return to cycle chaos.

After my last blood sugar read, I ate a bit as 83 was too low given I had eaten.  So I had a fatted tea and a big bowl of buttered popcorn.  That raised blood sugar to 110.  Three hours later it was down to 94 already.  No, no more insulin.  I won't take insulin below 120.  I am actually having trouble keeping blood sugar up!  Very strange.  But, for now, I will take it.  It is 113 fasting at around 18:30...  I can't be certain when I crashed, perhaps 8:30, give or take two hours.  But my last meal was several hours before the 110 reading... so definitely fasting.  However, I didn't take my long acting insulin because I intended a nap only.  Bleh.

Today?  The list remains.  Not much else to say.  For whatever reason, pretty much every muscle group is a bit sore.  Later.

Stews, fish, and other keto recipes.

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Stews are on my mind.  First, because I love them, if I fear dabbling in that arena.  As well, because it is fall/winter.  There are no better seasonsfor these.  The other recipes, save one, are items I miss.  Perhaps a keto version would... allow a taste I generally don't dare.  I am doing very well with diet and insulin.  But my desires will lead me astray.  These might help.  The last recipe is for a favored lady, her favorite pie.

Fried, battered foods?  Oh, so miss those!  Perhaps these?

Something, anyway.

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A neighbor suggested he would be having a tractor in town, one I knew had a post hole digger attachment.  So I asked about that.  Just two holes, for the gate to the duck pen.  He let me know when.  Yesterday, at near my bedtime.  Beggars can't be choosers.  H ad to cut a few branches to get the tractor in, but those needed to go anyway.  I've had to duck and dodge through them for... since I have had the ducks... every time I went to feed and water the ducks.

I guess, one might say I was helping.  He and the tractor did most of the work.  Branches were removed as well.  Nothing else hereabouts, but it was a good day just for that.  I was awake to 13:30, then woke at 20:30.  Blood sugar was 79 as I was going to bed, so I ate a handful of nuts and took slow acting, skipping my last fast acting dose altogether.  Blood sugar is 108 fasting, weekly average is 117.  Getting there.  I think that is the lowest fasting blood sugar and weekly average I have seen since restarting intervention, either keto or insulin, if I kept falling off keto.

Tea is brewing.  A fatted tea breakfast.  I may make a chia seed lunch, or added breakfast.  I really need to go shopping, I just want a few bills paid first.  And focus is weak.  I'll keep at it.  I hope to take a nap later, so as to be more read tomorrow.  I... hope.  Lungs burn.  Tired.  Just not enough problems and pain to stay asleep.

Later.

Another second chance!

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Oh hushutup!  It is so too funny.  Even in a joyous way.  Even if I never do another thing.  How?  God is still with me.  Yeah, it is that simple.

Oh, well, sure.  He wants me to work.  But then, I want to work.  We are on the same page that way.  Now, being God, He does know, what all, is wrong.  That I am missing.  I do believe I do what I can within the present circumstances.  Sometimes I do more.  I consider those as gifts from God.

Still, I make plans and attempt to do more.  And may do more, soon.

Blood sugar is 128 fasting.  I think the weekly average isn't a running seven day average, but the average from Monday to Sunday.  Or the other way.  It, by the way, is 121.  That seemed wrong, but I have probably only had three high numbers.  The rest have been between the 80s and 130s.  So, strange, but true.  Later.

Nothing.

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Blood sugar is superior though.  After the big meal and 10 cc's, blood sugar at 110 was quite good.  I feared that meal, a bit.  Something strange is going on.  Anyway, a fatted coffee and 8 cc's, plus three hours, has it at 89.  Very good.

I believe I am going to crash though.  I had been staying up to about noon.  Something is failing today.  It has been for a while, but it is just now hitting sleep... or really the ability to be awake.  Good night.

Still nothing.

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There remains hope.  There is time today yet.  And there is tomorrow.  Plus sleep is much better with the mattress.

A few small things.  Blood sugar was 103 so another smaller 10 cc dose with lunch.  Three ounces of tuna, a tablespoon of mayo, a keto pita, half a can of unsweetened peaches with a tablespoon of cream, and tea.  Tasty?  I rarely can afford to eat for flavor.  When I do, it is beef, when I can afford it.  I can't even afford chuck roast or hamburger anymore, not often.

If blood sugar stays low...  It took a while to adjust consumption to get closer to 8 cc's. Still at 10, but I needed 20 or more, if Halloween was haunting my program.  Am I eating too little though?  Is that part of the problem?  I should check my weight the next time I shower.  Loosing weight would be worth it.  Though, to be honest, I don't think even a pound is gone.  Will see.

Yes, I am hoping to do a few things.  If I can sleep, I will though.  Obviously, my days and nights are spinning.  I have no schedule, having lost as many as two hours a day for the last near week.  I don't even hear alarms, so have stopped setting them.  I'll keep trying, for what it is worth.  A woman would help.  It's an odd thing.  Half of it is to be with her, half is to get out and escape her.  But it is a good thing.  Later.