But, but, but...

.

.

But I did set the alarm!  Well, I... turned it to the time.  I didn't, however, turn them on?  Freudian slip?  I don't think so.  Just... pushing through days, and nights, illness, and else, things slip.

And, so it was with great surprise, when I woke at... 17:01.  One minute after the first alarm was supposed to sound.  Awake.  Well awake.  I wasn't sure that alarm would work, in that I pushed days and nights.  So I had the 18:00 alarm also set.  But, also, not turned on.  However, it turns out that I woke, at the earlier time, and pretty well.

Finally.

.

.

I found another pot, for cooking burger.  But?  But the burger was already bad.  So no dinner.  Strangely?  Or not?  It... didn't bother me at all.  I'll just put some burger out, when I can clear the freezertop, and let it thaw.  I have ground turkey I will be using with it.  Just to use it up.  It's... all meat.

Still, I got the other pans mostly clean.  And set out.  Then took a shower  Oh... it's... been a while.  Delicious!  Trimmed my whiskers first.  Not a full shave, but as good as the clippers can do.  And, after, brushed my teeth again, doing the whole process.  Still rough.  It's been days, weeks, a month?  It's been a while since I have been able to take any care.

Raining?

.

.

If it's a light sleet/hail?  But I don't think so.  Sounds... wet.  Too wet to be those other types of options.  Or... things are thawing.  Okay.  But I like the sound.

Gaming.  Figuring some things out.  Moving ahead.  It's a lot of work solo.  Couldn't find the "cheat mode".  Did a lot of work without it.  Just found it.  And good thing.  The dino doors I had on my keep, while absolutely massive, were too small for my t-rex.  Oh, no, I got that one fair and square.  It's mother attacked, I killer her, the baby was left.  So I... nurtured it to grand effect.  An... interesting game.

Up.

.

.

I was expecting a bit of a rough start.  I went in and down so hard, being up so very late.  My body was a knot of ache and soreness.  It was wonderful, but terribly so.

I'm waking just a bit tight, but really, pretty good.  I'll get medicine in, first thing.  Blood sugar is 114 fasting?  Meh.  I'm making burger soup later.  It's been two, or three, days since I ate.  I'm not starving.  I've got enough fat to feed a small army, even a small army of me's... for a while.

Wow.

.

.

It's 15:17.  Didn't... really make it.  I have been in and out of sleep for... a while.  Made it to 13:30.  Since then it has been waffling in and out.  But, no more.

Things hurt.  But so numb from exhaustion I can't tell how badly.  Should sleep well.  Fed Sassy a final meal.  Had bone broth, heated, spiced, with cream... if... quite a bit ago?  Anyway... it's all I could do, but what I needed.

Trying to push back into days.  But this was a bit too much, too fast.  I don't think it will help.  Might cause a spinout.  We'll see.  Ribs.  Right.  Why do those hurt?  Ah, trying to sit up while my body is trying to curl to sleep.  The... it causes a kink.  Right.  Well, on to bed.  Goodnight, and good day.

So tired my heart hurts?

.

.

I dug into the game.  It's... not just... that.  In the game, velocity can be reduced if too much in-game material is loaded onto the 'toon.  But that isn't all of it.  The thing is, as my 'toon slows in the game, I find myself holding my breath?  Not breathing as fast as I should?  Which, over time, strains my heart.  Weird, I know.  Working on altering that.  Difficult, though, when extremely exhausted.

Well, and I pushed through a very difficult location and kept dying.  Before setting up a new base across the map.  I'm... doing things the hard way, initially.  It's... how I like to do things, to start off.  I have made some things easier, but there are limits on those easements.  And there are much easier ways to play in the game.  But... figuring out how to do those things more safely is... a whole other gig.  Easy is great, until it absolutely fails.

Better.

.

.

Just a few shots of pain in my leg.  But mostly not bad.  Not too tired.  Not hungry.  Not too thirsty.  Figuring out the game, improving things.  I would like to eat, I just... don't want to cook.  Someday, tomorrow?  The day after?  Next week?  I... don't need to eat, these days.  Literally, and figuratively.  Or... various forms of literally?  I don't think "figuratively" matters, counts, or is a part of this.  Now that I think about it.

Water would be nice.  Out of sparkling, but that's okay.

Bah!

.

.

No, it wasn't... anything wrong, yesterday, with Sassy.  It wasn't a dream, either.  It is a new method to try to wake poppa.  So as to be fed earlier.  And... no.  No!  If she keeps it up I will feed her less.  Negative feedback is often the way to go.  Barring that, cut em' off the teet, eh mother?  Don't want to find out?  Don't fuck around.  I don't care who you are, or think you are.  Your... rights, regarding me, are limited to me.  Not some social, economic, familial, churchian, or other real or false constructs, organizations, or thought cycles.  And, when I say NO!  Be assured, right or wrong, you have just pretty much might as well have heard from the lips of God Himself.

NO!  And, should we need to tangle about it?  Okay.  For being mostly dead I am pretty brutal to deal with.  We'll start hard, and then go on to severe, with a side of dirty tricks, and such.  Not... that I need to play dirty to win.  I just like to play dirty to make a few points, and cause extra damage just for fun.  Don't... want to find out?  Then don't f around.

Still awake?

.

.

Well, in a way.  It's bedtime.  I had been bedtime for hours... half a day honestly.  I haven't fallen asleep in my chair, but might as well have?  No clue as to what has been happening.  I was struggling to think about what to do next and... next just happened without me.  I just happen to still be here.

I did decide, sometime in there, that I am definitely hungry.  For... something.  And, as suggested, I realized I couldn't cook.  Probably couldn't have eaten even if I had cooked.  Odd how that can go.  I just couldn't have been bothered to eat, even if food was served, and I am hungry?  Right.  Never mind, that is just the way it goes.

Have you ever been unsure?

.

.

Not... really... about anything in particular.  Everybody is unsure, from time to time.  Some of us are always unsure.  I'll... still do.  Uncertainty is a game I enjoy.  I will choose, and take my chances.  Everybody wants to play to win.  But, first, you... won't win.  Second, no amount of second thinking will allow you to win, or win more often, or any such.  It's... not how it works.  

Play, win, lose, enjoy.  If you don't enjoy the trip to your death, and understand you will lose often and miserably?  Oh, I don't mean just put no thought into life, or action.  Only, don't... play as if... you could win, think you must win, or such?  What are the risks?  What are the rewards?  Should you be playing?  If I must play, and the rewards aren't worth the risk?  Well, then, I... just take my chances.  I... lose, often enough.  But have won more, and do so more through facing up, and going on through, than making a scene or such.

Asleep, in the chair, again.

.

.

I tried to bulldoze through.  The bull got lost in the process.  Not... sure what time it was.  But, pretty much, was falling asleep as I was writing the last post.  Slept for an hour, maybe two?  Then... before I fell out of my chair, I nearly crawled up to bed.  Oh, but sleep is so much better in bed... or my floor matts really.  But, for me, now, that is bed.  Thanks, A.  For the... reminder, and thought.  The humility of sleeping on the floor, leaving what others think to themselves, and living a bit better for it, somehow.  A price, but it buys a powerful freedom.  I think of you, nicely, when I crawl in some nights.  Hoping you are still a floor sleeper, alive, as well as possible.  You are still loved.

I awoke to some sort of distress.  Ever done that?  But not knowing what... the cause of the problem is?  I... first... went over my body.  Looking for pain?  Injury?  Checking for illness?  But... it wasn't me?  No, it was... some terrible meowling.  Sassy?  I rarely hear that from her.

Still awake.

.

.

Five minutes until noon thirty?  Yep.  Tried to stay up to make a call.  No call, can't.  Voice won't work.  But, perhaps, some day this week yet.  If I can keep pushing until later.  It... won't be made, later, the call.  But, if I push how late I am awake, there is a chance that at an earlier time, I might be able to call.  Hell of a rigged life I lead, but it's what I've got.  And... it works, after a fashion.

My left eyeball is bugging me.  Not sure... if I am rubbing it because it is scratched, or if I scratched it while rubbing it.  But... I finally gave it a good rinse, then decided not to touch it or else.  As that simply was not helping.  I'm not seeing anything in it.  Though an eyelash could be stuck in there?  Hard to know.  But... no... no more rubbing or else.  I'll just have to suffer it.

A few things in life.

.

.

Simple things.  Mostly.

The first?  Glasses.  I had always thought my solid plastic "Clark Kent" glasses would be lighter and more comfortable.  In this latest shakeup, requiring larger glasses so as to use the progressive lenses, I decided to test that.

Sleep.

.

.

So much sleep!  I can't escape it.  Even so, for the first time in... I can't even remember?  I fell asleep on my chair down here.  Always afraid I will end up falling.  And, sort of do, which wakes me.  To pure horror.  But I, so far, have caught myself the few times this has happened this decade.  Blah!

It was around 11:00 to noon thirty, when I woke and went on to bed.  Not absolutely sure.  When I fell asleep?  Nine, seven?  Earlier by a good deal.  I tried to stay awake to bring the package in.  Didn't make it.  It was here when I woke though.  So, it's in charging.  And, I washed the grip cover for it.

Oh, right.

.

.

I did get more soup warmed and in.  I forgot to add hot spices, but that is fine.  Wanted, not wanted, I am... often happy with what I get, when I get it.  If more or a change is wanted, sometimes it is had.  Sometimes I live with it as it is.  This time, as is was good enough.  I'm telling you, that simple soup is quite good.  The veggies?  Meh.  But... a bit different.

Then I cheated.  Had some applesauce.  No sweetener added.  But, to me, since I don't have sweets?  That was... like sugar.  I'll finish that off.  Then veggie soup.  Then back to carnivore.  I don't mind tossing something different in from time to time.  Think of our ancestors.  Whether the meat got grasses on it, while being killed then processed?  Or just tossing things in, in curiosity, or for variation?  Sometimes vegetable stuffs got in the food.  Sometimes on purpose, sometimes not.

I have to admit?

.

.

Veggies, in with the rest, is not a bad thing once in a while.  Green beans, carrots, and those water cresses... or whatever.  I also added hot spice.  I... really like it hot, from time to time.  You would get ill.  For me, it's... just... nice.  It really isn't that I run it "too hot", or like it "too hot".  I simply can handle a whole lot of heat.  It isn't too much.  It's, for me, just... mildly spicy.

If you could slug Everclear, you'd understand.  Cause I can.  Only, I think hotter spices are healthier.  I haven't had Everclear in a very long time.  The only problem with that stuff wasn't capacity.  It was memory.  It was the only alcohol I drank that I would forget what happened.  I... didn't like that.  Dangerous.

Okay?

.

.

A bit better.  Definitely.  Yes.

That is nowhere nearly functional.  It just means I don't hurt everywhere, all the time.  It means I don't have fever, chills.  It means I am not so nausea inflicted that even thinking of food is disturbing.  It simply means I feel normal.  If I don't do anything?  If I don't think about it?  I'm not sure.  But, for a moment, the first in many, I... don't feel so dreadful that I think I am dying.

Meh.  It will do.

I don't understand.

.

.

Blood sugar is 144 fasting this evening.  I went down some time before four, a quarter, half, or more?  Before four, that's as good as I've got.  Woke around 17:30... pretty close thereabouts, give or take a dozen.  One two/thirds bowl of beef soup yesterday.  And a coffee.  The rest was water.  Stupid blood sugar!

I did wake, and take medicine through the day.  I've been doing better with that.  Got behind on antibiotics.  A bit.  But am catching and keeping up.  If... it looks like this batch isn't enough.  So... yeah.  I'll have to reset.  Call my primary.  With a starter, he might be willing to just do a next batch on his own, like a big boy.  Without having to see me.

Hurt.

.

.

And other things.  Oh, wow.  Not sure why life just took a hard left turn.  Shoulders ache, torso feels terrible.  Plus, so very tired.  I just got to coffee, but it doesn't matter.  I may even have diarrhea.  I'm... going to sort that out before going upstairs.  But, yes.  I think after a bit of...

A quick run, just in case.  Nope.  Just gas, with softserve.  It might be coffee.  Haven't had any in a while.  Well, yesterday.  But a few days before restarting.  There are good things about intermittent coffee consumption, and potentially bad things.

Had to get out.

.

.

Not far, or long.  Packages in, at the post office.  I knew about one.  Expected some others.  It looks like they arrived several days ago, but it just reported it to me.  So... I best get to it.  No, I did get to it.  Items which make ironing easier.  Hams.  Sewing hams.  But, ones supposed to be filled with wood chips, hard wood chips, not fabric.  It makes a difference.  Are they what were advertised?  I'll find out soon enough.

Now, the source for these is from Australia?  Or New Zealand, or such.  Still, I thought buying them from amazon?  Nope.  They... traveled all the way from England.  The two items only cost $6.50 for shipping?  Between their "mail deliver", whatever that is, and ours?  Hmm.  Okay.