Couldn't sleep.

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In some awful shape.  But it has been worse.  Aches, pains, and a tiredness which will not cease.  I didn't take painpills until just now.  Sleep was calling, I just couldn't answer.  Some food in, terrible as it is.  I have been able to keep it in, if I really didn't want to keep it in.  Throwing up, at the moment, is the worse of the outcomes.  And I have been able to avoid it.

Raining, out there.  I think it is rain.  should make sleep pleasant.  I honestly wish I had been able to sleep earlier.  Still, I'll get in and rest for as long as possible just here shortly.  Why I couldn't sleep?  Sometimes I just can't.  Insomnia is a word, with a meaning, but it doesn't always provided understanding.

I have been dreaming, of living, and dying, as I have sat here.  No worries.  Both are graces, and things of God.  I merely abide God.  My gratitude is as profound and the depths of my monstrous natures.  These, it seems, He has claimed.  And they are His, to claim, and command.  As I have written, most monsters aren't monsters.  For they cannot bend a knew and give all glory to Him, His grace.  It takes a monster to do His will, with His name on our tongues, bowed to not just Him, but to His children.  You have... no idea.  But I may show you.  Depends on your place in things, I suppose.  I hope you may merely die.  Though there is something special about being His monster.  Amen.

A rough one, tough one.  I struggle with death, pain, graces.  And I wouldn't have it any other way.  Again, amen.  How much are you willing to suffer for life?  Or allow Him to throw you into the fire, to recall life, over and over again.  To remain grateful for each opportunity?  I tell you, this is my lot.  I remain open to it until revification ends.  Even through the great suffering of it.

Tired.  Sleep.  I ordered an oximeter.  I have been pushing things lately.  Can't... stop death.  If it's time, so be it.  But I can superoxigenate my blood, for short bits of time, if needed.  I can check it, and keep it higher.  Odd thing is, even when I feel bad, I am often flooded with oxygen, sometimes too high?  I am not standard equipment, even if I am dying, or struggling for breath.

I'm not sure how I can have too high of oxygen content, but still be dying of thirst for air?  Maybe my body isn't able to use the oxygen?  But, that it is in the cells... doesn't that mean it HAS been used?  I'll... look that up, at some point.  I usually have 92 to 96 oxygen.  Even when I'm like a fish on the bank.  Bleh.  Later.