So very difficult.

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Some wonder why I provide videos of people who push things, then end up dead.  From spelunkers to mountaineers.  Well, there is a reason.

While I do not push my body in the same way they push theirs, the outcome is often the same.  This last month, I have only just been able to sit.  My lungs burn, my muscles hurt, things are going wrong, inside and out.  Dehydration, lack off food, too cold or... not even that.  My body just can't stay warm.  Numbness beyond my ability to help you understand.  And, yet, I keep... keeping on.

No frostbite, if I think more because my body is abnormal.  It can handle cold much better than most.  Lots of things could go wrong, in my current condition.  If you were me, you would be dead.  You can't survive what I am surviving.  Why?

In this video, this guy is surviving for his family, maybe his job.  He wants... to go on.  He has reasons to go on.  My woman and first child are dead.  The women I have known since are gone.  I have no business here, can barely do my little chores even in the best of my conditions.

I have turned things over to God.  If something keeps me alive, it would be His will, not mine.  Though that He has been granted access to my will?  Maybe that is it?  I can't say.

Today is brutal.  It has been brutal for a while, a long while, now.  It hurts to be alive.  I have to figure out some food, and electrolytes.  My body is sore from the lack of fluid, at this point, and other things.  That is coming off of being so filled with fluid I could well have died.

Not sure what to do.  Odd that I would even try.  But... try I must.  My will, in absolute truth, was turned over to God.  And... he requires me to try to live.  So I do.  So brutal.  Sometimes this is difficult from time to time.  Lately, it has been every day, every waking moment.  Living hurts, a lot, right now, and always.

Still, I will do it.  Until it just isn't possible.  I am hoping electrolytes will help, and some salt.  Maybe some food, if I could get to it.  I can't always get to food.  I just... it takes too much energy, too much work.  But, something(s) in my mind, brain, are pushing me to do what is necessary.  Amen.

No need to help.  You can't.  If you could come to, through, where I am, you wouldn't make it.  I can't say why.  Just... don't try.  I don't want others to die trying, especially knowing they would.  I don't understand these things.  I just... realize... I am for reasons that don't make sense.  Later.