Up, for two hours.

.

.

I was thinking I might wake better, be able to get to something or other.

To suggest "not yet", I think, is being optimistic.  Putting even that lightly.

Up, and to the bathroom.  Probably my second or third run.  A simple task.  Yet, and again, through all three runs, a terrible task.  By the time I got back there, I was out of breath.  My lungs burned, my muscles, even muscles barely used.  The effort created hunger, but nausea would make a meal difficult.  Still, in a while, I will try.

Even if the cheese tastes like wood, and the beef cuts taste empty, I'll make a sandwich, just a single one.  Having a slice of cheese extra, plus a hot fatted coffee.  A hot coffee will help with the sandwich, it partly melts the cheese, helps digest it.  Two sandwiches?  If so, no extra slice.  But, yes, maybe that is how I will go.  I need food, better food.  Yes, this is far better than a snicker bar.

Why the burning muscles, though, I can't say.  It feels, literally, as if they were aflame.  Why the lack of breath?  That I really can't understand either.  It just happens, sometimes.  Slept well, mostly.  I may go back to bed, after getting food in.  Whether it stays down?  It... probably will.  Though it may just sit in there.  I really hope hot coffee will help.

I did consume the beer, which was purchased some time ago.  To be honest, it was... delicious.  I'd like a beer or two now.  But, as mentioned, I know I can't.  I kept consumption to a few beers at any time.  But, I know, if I keep drinking it, I will end up taking a case, or two... possibly three, at a time.  I love the stuff.  Though, too, it would probably get me back into vodka and whiskey.  Beer if fine but medium to hard spirits are finer... if you are going to go that way.  Probably just a few times a month, but, still, that's... a lot.

No, no more beer.  No vodka or whiskey either.  Or scotch.  Loved scotch, certain ones.  Oh, and absolutely not tequila.  Tequila and bar fats, you have no idea how much I miss each, but the mix was nigh on divine.  I still wonder if that wasn't the ticket to the east coast vampire clubs.  Perhaps I just didn't remember what... all went on.  Maybe I was a sort of... performer.  They did love their blood-letting.  I was more than good.  When not performing, I was quite... stable, as well.  Tequila was one of the keys.  That and everclear, if I learned to leave that, both of them actually, alone.  Actually, all of it.  Enough beer and... it... can act similarly.  If I usually couldn't drink enough to forget.  Everclear, though, just a fifth would get me there, for a while.  Tequila was brutal, though, too.  They acted in different ways, one was painful to drink, the other was just too strong, even for a giant.

Anyway...  The odd thing is, that 'medicine' made these problems go away.  It is what makes them tempting, even in this time.  If I sank a six-pack, or four, I'd... not be feeling bad.  A fifth, for now, of something a bit stronger, would ease all of these problems.  Of course, without being locked up inside somewhere, eventually I would become... a problem.  I'm bad enough sober, so I stay away.  But drunk?  And lethal on top of it.

So, yeah, I'll... just suffer.  I just wish there was something else, something that worked as well.  Have looked, tried many forms of medicine.  Just haven't found foods, or otc's, or such, which do it like that.  Anyway... so be it.  I may get some food, and back to bed for a while?  Sooner or later?  Whatever.  Later.