A slight change of plans.

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Rather than read while waiting for the clothes to finish, I did something else, something I have been contemplating since I joined the church.  Initially I had things to work out.  Then, well, it just seemed too complicated.  I just haven't been able to see my way to it, until today.  I found one, which has been blessed, a rosary.

It took about thirty minutes, perhaps a bit more.  I had the timer set for laundry.  I know all the prayers, save the fatima addition if that is optional.  The beads were smaller, which actually wasn't as much of a problem as anticipated... actually no problem at all.  Now I worry the one with larger beads will be a problem to use?  I'll survive.  When I received the refund from the dress shoes, not liking one, I only reordered one of the shoes a size up, then a "dress" rosary.  It'll be my daily house one.  I would like to get several more, for the vehicle, for travel, and a few spares.  Standard will do, could even make my own.  They need to be blessed before use, bought or made.

I was abit surprised at how well it went.  Contemplating times in the life of Jesus while praying is a new sort of thing.  Sometimes contemplation would trip the tongue, sometimes contemplation would get lost in the spoken prayer words, but generally I did well.  Daily?  I can attempt to add it, more since I am backing out of gaming.  Maybe.  I sure would like to learn to do the rosary without a cheat sheet.  No reason save time (and for me possibly focus) this couldn't be employed several times a day... for intentions and practice.  I was also surprised at the improvement from, through, just one run.

Laundry is done and away.  Dishes are soaking, but not a priority.  Cat litter, clearing counters and the floor, sweeping, trash, then mopping?  I'm sure pushing for that, and today.  I'll have to push hard and lean in heavy.  I'll know later.  I still have an hour to my break, need it.  I am almost sure I'll post another time.  Later.

That was a lot more work than words suggested.

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The pre-morning startup, as it was being formulated and written, seemed like a breeze. It might even be once awake or on some days.  I did it all and went ahead and started the laundry.  I can do a load of whites tomorrow if I... I do have a load of cottons which have been sitting too long.  Both that and whites would help.  Anyway, yeah, more than it seemed.

As to my breaks?  I'm not up to gaming.  I just way over leveled for a boss and took in an in-game npc.  It still took all my expendables and five minutes or more.  The next boss is solo, unless you want to play with others.  I don't.  Looks like another game trying to force multi-player.  Well, and again with fake bosses... you have to lose to most of them, often several times, then the game just gets easier.  Trust me, you don't improve that much.  I'll just read in that time.  Along with the Imitation of Christ and the bible, I have a few history books I could add in.  If I catch up on, in, my world, and feel better but can't get out, maybe I'll game more... maybe.  Or better find exercises to improve memory and such, start walking, or real things.

Back to waking, been at it an hour, just decided I was done with gaming so decided to blog that and the rest.  Oh, eggs, if fresh, are still okay, the better ones.  So whether they have been old, a bad batch (I do check), or what...  I might boil what I have if they are fresh enough for lunch and snacks for the week.  I'd like to get back to eggs, but I have to check dates in the store, mark them for easy home checking, or boil them right away and toss after five days.  A good food if it's good.

So?  On to reading.  I may even keep my legs elevated for twenty minutes a day.  Docs told me to elevate the legs, but never told me how long.  Even with a recliner long stretches of that would be annoying, impossible without.  But, for twenty minutes?  Sure, just read on my back with my feet on a wall.  If that is or gets more comfortable I might do it for longer periods and every time I read.  Instructions, people.  If someone, anyone, had mentioned this as a twenty minute exercise long ago I might have considered it.  Sure, I might have said no, and not done it, until it made sense or more I could see how to do it.  I would have been doing it over a decade ago!

I'll give it two hours.  If I tire of reading first I'll hit work.  If I get drowsy I'll nap.  I will get the laundry a check, and get dishes going, first.  Tiring but nice, enjoy working, just wish I didn't need rest so often.  Later.

Down, so hard and fast I barely saw it arriving.

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All good. It means I used what energy resources I had available, perhaps then some.  All dishes, save that one small odd-size batch, are done and away.  Well, some need stored more properly, and will be today.  No shower but didn't want to go to bed with wet hair and wasn't going to be able to make it awake long enough.  I have a hair dryer, for when one or another female type was here.  When crashing loud noises are multiply annoying and are already a nuisance.  I could have done laundry but the mind begins closing doors automatically.  Some reasonable options get lost in the psychic sunset.

I do believe I will change sheets, set the laundry to fluff while I shower, then fold or hang laundry before my two hour (roughly) wake period.  Then I'll be right to hitting the kitchen when I officially kick off the day.  I have all of today and half of tomorrow to make the kitchen and bathroom presentable.  Then I can do cooking.  Still want to put together tortillas and else.  And, perhaps, scones using buttermilk from clotted cream plus the clotted cream itself.  How many, these days, can say they have tried such, how fewer can suggest they had such by making their own?  I much prefer made at home from as fresh and raw as possible.

I really get the feeling, again, that I might be onto something.  My schedule may remain too shifty for regular employment, but with my waking time, I may be able to begin using it far more productively.  The downside is I will now feel every bump in the road.  Every ache, pain, fever will be plain to see and feel.  Worth it?  To me?  Yeah.  I am mostly used to pain, even refusing all but three painpills when my ribs were cracked.  I hated the feel of that as I do the fog.  I'll take pain and truth over lies and seeming painlessness any day.  There are limits, they just won't be found in the area were fog is lifting.  Aspirin should handle minor occasional excesses.

Well, on to the day.

Going well.

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All the first and second batch dishes are done.  I still have more.  Not much, technically a batch if really twenty pieces, mostly large and awkward items that just did'nt fit with else.  I'll put those to soak after the shower, but they aren't high priority.  Just the kitchen and bathroom plans are going to be major strains even if I can keep up the pace.  Doable, probably, just brutal.  It looks like I've broken out of lockdown and unlocked access to the work panel.

I thought about a nap.  Decided to call my mother.  She wasn't home, so in I went.  But, in case she called back, I began reading the bible again.  Just as I was shutting down the phone rang.  How about that, she had Santa for snacks or a meal today, in gratitude for his work.  Had to smile.  His day is today, there.

After that I decided Iwas awake, so finished the dishes, quite a few.  This, another break, then I'll hit the kitchen.  Clearing higher then lower horizontal surfaces, counters and the floor if you like it plain.  Then cleaning.  Everything has to go.  And I pretty much mean it.  If I can chew that up today I will hit the nook tomorrow.  I... have doubts.  A try I will give.

Hmm, heated roast and a potato, then a break.  I am sweating, and have had three work periods so far.  I still have to be a bit cautious with exertion.  And yet there is so much to do with little time.  I had a flash of my mother showing up to nothing to do (then REALLY getting angry ;p ).

Never sure.

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I might add the goal of subduing the earth, walking on the sun, or even something wild like doing the dishes.  That doesn't mean plans will be completed.  I thought it would be piecemeal, the dishes.  A part of them between breaks.  The pain, mostly, has lifted... some bits back there better ignored.  My mind puts up little signs on the pain-flowers... "Do not touch!", "You break it you buy it!", "Don't follow the tendrils!" and so on.

A good longer sleep.

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Sometimes I resist sleep, especially when it begins to go long.  Most sleep for some time has been brokenby, even infused with, pain.  When that broke, I could only sleep five hours or so at a time, painfree and solid, but so short.  I, for a very rare time, was happy with ten hours down.  No pain, breaks but standard ones.  I wake with a host of morning pains including a minor headache, all of which will most likely be gone by the time I wake, or more fully.  Not every day sees me fully awake... if I... think the difference would be lost on most.  Hmm?  Oh, nothing to fret.  I really am, sometimes, jealous.  Bliss.

Back to work.  Business is concluded for the week, so I can stick to the house.  With a phone man arriving Monday, I want the kitchen kicked out.  Doable?  I'll find out.  He will be working back in the nook.  I hadn't planned on that, if I have wanted it clear.  Dishes and laundry need finished. It's a lot of work, and I had hoped to get to the computer/sitting room too.  Not possible, all of it.  Kitchen and dishes, probably laundry since that is just folding.  Beside airing the house a bit Sunday and Monday, I'll change the bedding and have it washing about the time of the visit... it does well as a... odor blocker, deodorizer, something.  Cooking and baking does wonders to, though a small pot of simmering water with sweet spices is good.  Most deodorizers are questionable.

The worst things for odor is dirty dishes and cat litter, well and too inactive ogres.  I'll push on dishes to get a shower.  Might change out cat litter whole, if by parts so they still have access, washing each pan and lettering it dry before doing the next.  I may be moving away from standard litter pans.  Too shallow without the hood and Sam won't enter a hooded box.  Just clear taller bins, perhaps in time with the lids on.  Some recommend really big ones.  Nive, but the volume of litter would be huge.  If the litter held up, by volume versus time breakdown, maybe.  I just don't know.  Get the bin, cut a hatch two to three inches higher than two to three inch deep litter, and there you go.  Clear because voiding is a risky time for a cat, they like to see around them.

The first thing once finances have been sorted if the work right.  A kitchen faucet and plumb purchase and service, then massages.  Those lowered my bp a lot.  Meds, what I can take, help.  They just can't fully, or always, work as well as hoped.  I just hope this gets sorted soon.  Proving they can do as they please which tells me more needs to be done.  I think the right man for the job is on the job.  He can only go just so fast though. We need ten like him in a row.  Won't happen, people choose destruction tomorrow for more gold today in too vast of numbers.

Ugh.  A few hours of gaming to light up the tubes.  Best turn the furnace up, drain and reset the dishes, then to it.  Good morning.

Seemed brutal.

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I kept it light, doing less work than hoped but taking care of more business.  That business takes more out than it seems that it should.  All bills, of which I am aware, are current, if one is pending.  Doesn't look good on that one.  We'll see.  Chatter, gab, talk, and hold-hell, hated it.  Still, everyone I spoke with spoke (American) English as a first language or otherwise very well.  Ugh.

I also did roast beef, using American organic garlic.  Wow.  I had thought it was me.  Nope, Chinese garlic is as tasteless as it is bad for you.  Cheap and tasteless?  There you go.  Thing is it's way too expensive.  I may try to grow it.  But that is work, requires at least some care, not all can do it.  Not sure I can.  Plus, how much?  Still it was wonderful to smell and taste garlic again!

Some dishes.  The rest tomorrow.  Laundry too?  I'm dragging, slogging through as I may, keeping pain in check, and just living.  It's okay.  Not perfect, still hurt solidly, way too tired, but... okay.  Good night.

Old realities, new truths.

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I remember being introduced to one of these songs, more officially, at about the time I found the other.  I am sure the introduced song had been heard, just not when it made sense.  I heard the darker one first.  Hearing the other after was so harsh.  Something inside broke?  I spent months going back, listening to one, the other, or both.  Agony.

In time I either wore down to nubs or let it go.  There was no... consoling? reconciling?  I probably just hid it, from it.  I know almost nothing I write makes sense to most of you.  Some sort of entertainment?  Perhaps mostly looking for new or different music?  Most won't understand any of this.  Less the change.

Nothing, of any real significance, has changed... in my life.  All the same.  Save perspective.  I am no longer looking to end one to begin the other.  I now live both.  Gripe, sure.  But I am in both songs at once, gratefully.  I can do that.  I am no longer were the only way is up.  I have risen.

Such a different place without but seeing in a new way.  I am home, whatever else.

Moving right along.

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It might not be all that snowy but is cold.  While we don't usually get much in the way of wind, it seems as if we get some, from the wrong direction, it really is worse, even in here, inside I mean.  Today is cooler, if that is just normal seep.  Hmm, or the thermostat wasn't turned up?  Bleh, always something.

I called the phone company.  It's time to pay but I won't. Phone hasn't worked since August.  Service is being sent.  They won't say if reimbursement will be made.  I am sure they just never turned it back on.  So it looks like they are going to try to jack me on this.  Yeah.  At least I enjoyed shooting down their cable tv spiel.  They are desperate.  Wonderful!

Dishes are being done a bit at a time.  I'm not up to major efforts.  Another bill, in a bit.  A call for help with a package retrieval was roughed in.  Bit by bit.  Hopefully I'll get to laundry and the kitchen yet today.  Might not finish the kitchen.  If I can do even a third, mostly clutter, I'd be happy.

Saved some of the bacon.

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So little vital physical being.  I used every bit of it, then stretched.  I was taking it slow or I would have ended up in trouble, more trouble, yesterday.  As is I just broke a bit and seem mostly better for it as I wake.  However, today until Monday, if work is planned, it will be light duty.  Smaller chores and projects, mostly indoors, as islands of time surrounded by oceans of rest.  I have to regain footing a bit cautiously.  I have been down for a very long time.

One group of new dishes has been started.  The dishes needing just a final rinse will get that when I feed the cats.  I'll give the dishes needing washed a shot, see if they will go in with the rinse, then square that circle as if I knew what I was doing.  A few hours later, laundry will get fluffed as the kitchen gets hit.  Nothing too heavy, just clearing, sorting, tossing until I am sick of it or done, per session.  I will hit that until done, then move back to the computer room, sitting room.  It is so close.

I can also handle phone work today.  Two bills, a check on several things, and whatever else might occur.  No milk, I think?  Wait, I always forget about that, there might be a way.  I don't know else.  Don't want to shower or shave too often, raw hide.  Tomorrow. Oh, could see if the shoes returned have deposited, some companies trust when the packages hit ups, some wait.

There is pain, but it isn't the more odius levels.  Mild, to be noticed, gauged, but pushed.  Can't let this stuff win without resistance but no need to blindly antagonize.  It, often, is your friend, letting you know something is wrong, or even right.  Actually, I don't think too little food is the problem.  I think I need to either eat more or eat less.  This daily fasting, every day, is the worst.  I never quite get unhooked and then undo my escape, staying perpetually in minor or heavier pain.  I may try three, even five day full fasts.

Check into Russian research.  WITH MEDICAL SUPERVISION they have people fast for up to three weeks.  Speculation is that can be stretched much further.  Germany also has at least a clinic.  Extended fasting is only for clinical settings or if you have willing and able medical attendance at home.  For me five days is as much as I will do, and probably only twice a month... Hmm, might keep it to three days, can do that weekly.  Still, the problem with three days?  You are just getting over hunger by the time you begin eating again, never a free time.  It's got the same drawbacks as daily fasting.  I may have to... explore.

So much for my hunger yesterday.  I prepped a nice meal but couldn't finish, or even German, half a sandwhich, even while I still felt hungry.  Bloated full on half a six ounce sadwhich and still with hunger.  Something is just off in there.

So many of them.  No chance.  Ruinations.  I used to believe it was me.  Not so much.

Stuck behind the phone.

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Call after call, nothing.  Called the main company.  Tyrone, third return Georgia state prison, could he get some personal inf... click.  No.  Probably got too much as is.  Really, Cub Cadet?  At least get English speakers.  Ebonics doesn't count.  Add a three?  I finally called the local store.  I'll have to return it if they can't instruct.  I don't need more paperweights.  I did go out, tinkered.  Perhaps mine is missing cutouts?  The hole in the handle, near where it is supposed to fit, does fit over two keyed/cotterpinned posts, but I didn't find a way to turn that into mechanical lift.  Waiting for a call.  Not hopeful.

Good. All Good.

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Now?  To tip the boat!  Weeee!

Back?

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I was wondering myself there for a bit, but yeah, I am thinkig I might be.

Done!

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At least the list as written.  It hurt about half the trip, until stopping for lunch and breaking into anacin.  Fast, love that stuff. Still, once a week, rarely twice if pain is excessive, persistent, preventing meeting needs, or some mix.  If otc works, all good.  While I think suffering is the majority of what is left to me, as joyfully as possible, sometimes enough is enough.

Kefir grains, organic American garlic, on top of beef and potato mashers.  I know, but... it's been a while since I was out.  Oh, and what is with gay guys?  Are they that... urhm... hard up?  I make it quite clear.  Which is why I avoid.  I wish women found me handsome.  Okay, non-tattooed, single, morally and viably eligible dames.  Yeah.  Never mind.  A pox upon both their houses.  Maybe they should try each other.  New comedy meme, "Whose on top?".  ;p

Life is better.  I can't believe a few otc helped as it did.  I'll have to wind down.  If the pain returns I will hit it again.  I haven't had sleep not continuously broken by pain in... a long time, and I think that was just a nap.  I NEED sleep, would almost kill for it.  Maybe, if I can catch a break Ican work through the pain.  Can't dose it too often, loses affect.  Haven't suffered this level of pain and fog perhaps ever.  One cancels the other.  It might be a, if harsh, sign of improvement.  My fog doesn't go as deep as it did?  I think so.

Anyway, later.  Or good night, in case the floor falls out from under me.

It just isn't letting up.

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A bit more eaten, to no good ends.  It feels, now, as if something is trying to bust out of my chest.  I have a package in, need to return shoes, and do shopping.  It's time for a shower too.  I have dishes blocking that.  Can just drain and set aside but this pain is really weighing me down.

Some jackwagon adds links for addiction treatment.  If I could afford drugs I would be spending it on medicine then my home.  Seriously, piss off.  You aren't funny even in a clown way.  Some people are stupid, some are evil, there is a lot of crossover.  If you want to actually help, pray.  Somehow I don't sense that is your way, even if you play the part.  May you find Wisdom before He finds you.

I'll really try to get out.  Aspirin would really be good to replace.  Oh, no.  First, aspirin?  Docs want me to take that.  I take a lot less as I don't trust them, or seriously thinned blood, too easy to bleed out.  If that is trying to suggest I used two and an half bottles in three months, you are an idiot.  Hmm, that... leads me to who you might be.  Yeah.

May try to nap first.  Anything to break the pain up a bit.  Later.

Too little food?

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I am eating daily.  Enough to stay regular.  The volume might be the problem, about an half pound of food a day, usualy eating only once a day.  Worse, it hasn't been as fatty as it needs to be.  Ketosis is measuring at 40 plus, weight is going up, bodily volume is going down.  I ordered several shirts, not realizing one was slim fitted.  It was just a wee tight.  I was rather surprised how well it did fit, actually.  Two or three of the middle buttons were slightly puffed.  I was preparing to return it when I realized, in six months or less it would fit easily, perhaps loosely.  I really want to get a suit or two but don't dare.  Not yet.  Anyway I just keep coming back to food being the issue.  Not being able to cook as I would like, I might have to seek out fattier foods.  Barbecue packs, even fried chicken, food I can just pick up.  Carbs?  Other than avoiding sugar I won't greatly worry about the rest.  If a week of heavier eating doesn't solve it, and I'm not dead, I'll make an appointment and just hope meds will last or I can afford them too.  The first of next month is the soonest I can do it, the rest is up to the doc.

I haven't felt this bad in a long time.  I don't remember feeling this bad for this long, and not while also so fogged up on top of it.  Fog used to block the pain.  Bleh.  Yeah, if this last trick doesn't do it I have to go in.  If it's something bad?  I'm going to die.  I'm not letting them mine bits or parts, experiment, or otherwise get rich off my pain and death.  If it's a minor thing, fine, we'll do it.  All I'm saying.

Also working to get regular water in, or mostly.  I can't drink straight water.  It creates thirst somehow.  I've tried just drinking a sip every five to fifteen, I've tried ice.  I really wanted to make it work.  I end up unable to drink then becoming dehydrated.  I have to have something, if most additives are really questionable.  As is I drink brewed loose-leaf tea Darjeeling with six drops of sucra drops per quart.  I used to drink several gallons a day, but have cut that to half or less.  Now I am just adding iced water to ever other jug.  There is still enough rmaining for mild flavor but I am getting mostly water.

Anything to fix this.  If, too, some of this is just better in the long run.  Fever is definitely gone.  A trace flickers from time to time, but is over unless something else attacks.  The pains can be different daily.  When I woke, and often, it is chest, lungs burning(?), heartburn.  That has morphed to an ache under the middle of the left ribcage plus burning lungs, sore arms as if in a confined space, bumping the metal and getting sort of weary from that, and a hitch in my left side as if from jogging or sprints.

Later.

Beef roast.

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Solid food seemed a possible curative.  All pains are gone save indigestion/sore area where ribs connect.  Could be diet or sleep angle problems.  Beef fixes much for me, it's my chicken soup.  Not this time. Still, the rast won't go to waste.  Ah, the fever is fading too.  I didn't get to much, not even gaming... as far as I can tell.

It's time to crash.  What a miserable while.  It's been hurting to much for two long.  Oh well.  Good night.

Held it to a nap.

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It was a good rest.  It didn't change the pain, that went from bad to worse.  There is also a pretty heavy fever.  While I slept I didn't feel the pain.  I would still be sleeping if possible.  I woke bolt upright, there was no choice.  My face feels like a ripe tomato looks, probably looks like one too.  It doesn't help with muscle aches but it has begun numbing other pains.  Can't say which offhand, when numbing occurs it hits more than pain.  Never can remember what to do with fevers.  I do turn up the heat and try to bundle, if I can tolerate.  Sometimes that just doesn't work.

I have, had, plans.  If memory kicks in, maybe.  It was light easy stuff.  I simply can't see beyond the red fog.  Gaming.  Can't say I will play well, but it'll... take care of itself.  I sure wish I could sleep.  Later.

Ouch.

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I did push everything... I was awake nine hours past normal bedtime going in at 17:00, was more active than my bones advised, and then woke up without choice at 22:00.  Everything hurts again.  The hope is it will pass shortly, then I can do some work, then maybe I can can nap before business efforts tomorrow, maybe more done?  Or... whatever.  When you are broken you... get what you get.

Started a new game.  Dishonored 2 was dull the first playthrough.  The powers were boring, the "morality" of pacifism, the "ethics" of poor people loving elites with absolutely no sense of law, the creepy dimwitted sjw "logic", all of it fed excruciatingly by forcibly slowing gameplay so as to feed drivel I knew was a lie as a preteen.  Glad to be done with that moronic waste of time.  The fog can prohibit exit from even repetitive gaming hell.  Oh, yeah, I don't recommend.  Perhaps if you want your children being effeminate Che supporters?  There... ya go, and here is your card.  Don't you love it when rich and leftist hicks turn their children into Manson and Che bots while laughing at good parents with accents and faith?

This game, like some lately, is made artificially difficult.  I play it to kill time.  The games I like are limited.  First, no false preaching.  Actually no preaching.  That is for church and personal exacting pursuit.  I refuse preaching by those who are incorrect, those who aren't even faithful (modernist pilgrims, you call secular humanists), or... really any save who I travel to provide that allowance.  I like a good story.  Those start with the truth, the feather the facts around the truth.  Break the possibles by denying truth and the story dies.  I expect exploration beyond the line, extras hidden about.  Don't add secrets no one would actually find.

I'm not really into the mythos, as a general rule.  That is usually toilet paper, often used. Do they outsource writing to third-worlders or is that quota work, women blacks what's the diff?  As long as they don't shovel it me, whatever.  Sometimes I am curious about some element, usually to be taught not to seek in this area with yet another imbicilic bit of trash.

As for gameplay, I do prefer action.  And while I can slog through Dark Souls type games, I prefer difficulty settings, which my current game doesn't have.  I like shooting through, getting a lay of things, checking out the story, perhaps mythos if that is done well, and general lay of things (British is horrible, there logic is either of peasant or nobility, stupid and they deserve each other).  Still, it most likely will do.  No more elite royalty on and on about their love love love of those poor they keep in the streets, only noticing when shoved onto the same streets.  Idiot sjws... I wonder if they are merely British... on the peasant side, of course darling!  *snort, giggle, snort*

/rant?  For now.  :p  Later.

Maybe.

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I made it out.  Just to the post office.  Two packages and a bundle of mail.  I thought about a trip to town, for a splurge of fast food.  I headed out, a bit excited.  Then I remembered my most recent ketone readings, my last blood sugar test, and... well... nothing else.  Everything else stinks.  I'm working on it, that is just the truth.  Still, I want diabetes fixed and that mess off my neck.  One year of clean blood sugars, or actually insulan two different things, at a certain level, and they have to declassify my situation for driver license purposes.

I thought about a trip to the store, for kefir grains to see if those work.  If not I'll have to get on the horn with the dairy to find the problem.  Hmm, if this call would go through soon enough I might call them yet today.  I am curious if raw milk kefir helps with diabetes.  It didn't work for me with store-bought milk, if it definitely soured and reproduced grains.  I am hopeful with raw.

I realized I might no be... presentable.  Oh, I showered last evening?  I think so.  But I got the trash out, finally, today.  Beside that being uncomfortably overdue there were two pots which... be thankful there is no smell-o-blog.  I think it clung though I used rubber gloves beyond elbows.  Had to go to the post, if... Could just be stuck in the nose.  Ugh.  Anyway, didn't go.

On the way out, a lady offered me a ride home.  It... was such a nice offer.  Fearless.  If I think God must often be with them.  It was a wonderful early Christmas gift.  And a reminder, for me.

As I was looking through mail, once home, another... spot of possibly good news.  SSA is restarting payments while they do the review.  First they said they were deducting some serious money.  I just... took a breat and kept reading.  Yes, there will be a reimbursement as well.  That is supposed to be deposited in days.  Problem?  The account they used to deposit into is shuttered.  So?  A call.  I was on, waiting, for 20 of a forty minute wait when they hung up.  I've been on for 10 ot 15 of what is supposed to be a 35 minute wait.

What to do with it?  Save it and else until spring.  A furnace and whole house ac.  Though I may spend the little dollars against any debts that might cover... which might be all or most of it.  Then no more debt for a year or more?  Probably until a new fridge and else next fall, but only a third to half, depending on my situation.  Ugh.  The next mess is the kitchen floor and maybe wall treatment.

If they don't keep hanging up.  Later, or good night and day.

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Nope.  They sent it where I told them not to send it and were baffled as to why it was returned.  So they cancelled it out, again.  Messages were sent, but she didn't know if anyone could do anything.  May have to reapply for what good it will do.  Dunno.  Though this late, I may lose backpay and have to reapply fresh.

Roughly better?

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Some things are difficult to define.  I am better.  It is rough.  Sleep was difficult, I woke often in pain.  It felt like muscle and joint aches from poor sleeping angles so adjustments were always being made.  I did sleep, but not well or deeply.  It was 58 when I went to bed, so I needed the fan.  It got down to 50 by the time I woke.  Could have done without extra cool but airflow was nice.

Strange dreams, most gone.  In one I dreamed of nine conceptions... the nights of.  I am certain, as certain as my mind gets, of three, suspect another three, but... could be just a dream... Anyway, each of those were contrasted by hunting episodes.  I am sure, as possible, of the hunting and fishing.  A small buck, pheasant, a duck if that wasn't my shot was it Adam, a prize brook, sqirrles, and others.  I have no good idea on the meaning of this one, if perhaps a few ideas.  I almost or sort of hope my mother gets to meet some of them.  I suppose if she decides to aim for heaven, and they do as well?  It's, most likely, the only way, for even if all go to hell that places defines loneliness.

I have gained another pound, consuming several cups of twothirds broth chili.  Wetter than I like, just added a bit too much right at the end.  I am *cough* very regular, and ketones are measuring 40 plus, so...  Oh, not water build up either.  Very strange if weight isn't even a goal.  Further, some third of the pain is from getting smaller... dimples in my sides as volume shrinks.  Fasting does work if other factors are covered, enough is eaten, and blood work is ongoing.  I rounded up the keto goop, minus a certain vitamin.  Now to add it occasionally, as needed to help with physical activity.  I am definitely feeling drained, if pain dissipated quickly today.  Yeah, a keto mix and that vitamin, maybe a mess of them, part time on top of dailies.  If I can get something going, then work and walk, perhaps doubling up would quadruple results?  So long as I watch things, maybe.

Imagine being the one who dies, the witness, and the one behind it all, at the lower levels.  Penance?  One would hoqe so.  Not quite a loop, save in... a way.  I can't get out.  Still, so be it.  Would far rather suffer here for another hundred years than even a day in pergatory.  Amen.

Later.

As sleep beckons pain returns.

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While it returns, and in a global fashion, rather than raw and brutal as a jackhammer it is still as any great din though from a distance and furthered mellowed by snowy ground and fog.  It increases as I linger, so to be brief.  Still to suffer for another is no terrible price, or as I see things.  The more concerning pains are all but gone I think, so far.

Chili was made.  I amgetting good at it, even with inferior beans.  A couple of cups of the bright stew filled the hunger.  I need more, and consistent, food.  Perhaps I missed more than I thought, for I feel stuffed after three to four cups.  No worries.  A roast beef and chicken drumsticks will be cooked tonight.  Need something beside a bean dish, for certain.

Life is better.  Some work two days in a row.  And back to a bit more reading.  The room had grown too cold, took a day or two to figure that and alter patterns.  Good night and be well.

I think I hit on something.

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Much better if still a bit tired.  Pains, all around, have improved.  I do believe I was excessively dry.  Ther are still a few issues, if solid food will help.  Dishes, the batch in action, is ready enough for a rinse and use.  Mostly need a stock pot for chili.  I worked the cast so as to fry burger, it can get a bit funky if not used in a bit, even if cleaned well before storing.  The meats are all thawed as well.

I did shower, set the laundry for a short run, and am about to hit dishes.  I will probably set the burger to go as i set dishes to soak.  As hot as the heater is set, in the big bin, it takes an hour or two for reasonable handling... the trick is to get it when it is still very hot, so drying is fast, glass stainless and such sparkles, and germs are reduced.  I'm more interested in sparkling than germs.

After reviewing air compressors, researching to my ability, then thinking things over, I finally pulled the trigger.  The sale at one site, was only an incidental bonus.  Of course now I need a hose, parts, perhaps filter options as well.  It should do everything I need, maybe want.  Not sure if I need 3" nailing or house paint, though I am not sure, regardless of advertisement, if this or it's competition would do that.  They refuse to be honest.  What does fulltime versus intermittent really mean?  How long, really, is fulltime.  I'd love to try the low pressure paint system.  If it works well enough, I'd like to repaint every room.  Dreaming, but if it simplifies enough, possible.  Should handle the various tires, and is portable in all ways if needed... can go 220/240 too, if I wanted to tie it down.  Happy.

Hmm.  Time to start things.  Later.

A bit better.

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There is still pain, everywhere, just of the sort I can just say "Meh" about.  I took a day off the waterpill, might do one more, then cut it some.  I just didn't realize how much less I have been drinking until paying close specific attention.  Yeah.  

After checking for heart attack symptoms, and that definitely not being it, not a true crushing pain, no sweets, no shortness of breath, the other pains being so different, and the length of symptoms?  No.  Still that did leave me curious.  A solid pain inventory suggests excessive inactivity plus, maybe, becoming too dried out.  Sitting and laying too long, almost without breaks, just makes the body sore.

I did a few things yesterday and am in line to do more today.  I've set laundry to a short tumble, plan on a shower after I wake, checked the thawing meats.  They are ready, so chili later, a roast in to be done as well, and chicken tomorrow.  I plan to brine the chicken, then grill it, with hot pepper sprinkles.  I'll probably finish the last of my rice to go with the chicken.  That should buy the time to get to town and buy beans and butt, oh, and kefir grains.  The store-bought kefir worked with store-bought milk, but not with raw milk.  I do fear if regular kefir grains don't work.  I will be... left wondering about this and that.  I'd better get anacin too.

Speaking of thefts... I noticed my smoked paprika is being borrowed.  How do I know?  I bought it years ago, tried two teaspoons, didn't like it so haven't used it since.  Went to use it as a color marker on eggs and it was mostly gone.  Pro-tip... many of my spices are way too old... wouldn't advise.  And I best not find you in my tools, especially with sockets gone missing.

Later.

Might not have been the snappiest...

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I am surprised anything got done, but the whole list?  It hurts, a lot, almost everywhere.  This time work exacerbated everything that hurt.  Oh, well, was going to hurt no matter what.  The shower is open, in case I canuse it, laundry save for what is in the dryer and the maddening sorts of which there is rarely enough to do, especially in "efficient" washers.  Gah!

The hope is, after reading and prayer, a shorter sleep then to shower, warm the clothes to finish, set the dishes to a soak, then hit the kitchen.  I really think I need a solid, more rounded meal.  My stomach feels like it's empty, save for food it can't digest, like cardboard or such.  Lung are a bother too, as if chlorine infused... dried chemically but still wet somehow.

Doc wants an appointment.  Due to finances, not until Feb.  Should check on ssa, though it looks like I've been blown off again.  I need medicine next month.  Can't afford those and a doc call in the same month.  One thing at a time.  If ssa hasn't done anything by then I guess I will have to reapply from start.  Yeah.

Hungry?

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Is that the primary pain?  It sure seems like it.  The scale disagrees, oddly.  In spite of eating one smaller meal a day, four eggs and a quart of milk today as an example, plus drinking only just at a gallon a day with no fluid retention at all to the point of watching and shuffling meds, I don't quite get it.  I am losing size, just not weight.  Even so I think hunger is a large part of my problem.  Meats have been put out.  No pork butt on hand, but beans are first anyway, in that meal, and I don't have them on hand either.  I do wonder if refried beans have to be pinto or if black beans would work?  I won't try that until, if ever, I master the standard recipe.

Before I can cook I need to do a lot of work in the kitchen and do a bunch of dishes.  I am hoping to do that before the meat is thawed.  Another meat-heavy batch of chili would work.  I need to get ground pork and lamb for variety.  A little mix and match really adds to life.  I'm thinking of trying mixed meatballs with spaghetti and how I do sauce these days.  Cooking is a lot of work, with all that goes with it even more so.  Still, have to eat and eating out is well beyond my paygrade, even much of what is bad food.

It may be about time for a nap.  I'd like to switch out the laundry first, perhaps give dishes a final wash then set them to rinse, and fold and store the laundry which is dry.  Some of it?  Later, either way.

Pretty rough.

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From when I attempted a nap this morning and failing to now, through sleep which happened much later, I have been harshly sore.  Anacin is gone, but shouldn't be.  In August I had two spare, plus one open, only about half used.  What sucks is even if I could lock things up, being inside they would just pick the lock or figure a way around.  Thefts aren't as frequent but they still happen.

The pain is worse in the "morning", at bedtime, and while sleeping.  Usually recovery, in the "morning" is quick... usually.  This "morning" isn't the best.  Why both bottles?  Really?  I have been doing bits and parts of work each day.  Not getting to much, if three areas get stepped at least one advancement.  A bit here, then there, between blank moments.  If I could do more work, over a few days, I think that would work out the knots and pain.  I'll keep trying.

Not much else for the moment.  Perhaps bits from the book I am still working on later, if I can focus.  Reading isn't as regular, a few chapters daily most days.  Good reading.  While it might be Catholic based, as a former protestant, I could see it having been good reading.  Only, however, if you think Christ's life is truly worth studying.  From what I have seen most Christians really don't.  No matter what else, for most, no matter, dying is for losers.  Hell, even the first pope denied Jesus three times.  The Rock, upon which the church was built?  He died for Him very painfully.  No complaints, all said and done.  And humbly did he die.

Another nap?

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That is the goal, but things haven't been working as planned and hoped lately. Prayers are nice but... then again that isn't why I pray.  Still, no choice. I must sleep.  If I can just nap, maybe I can do workday stuff.  If not next week.

While I was winding down it seemed like a good time to check blood sugar... 174.  That is down 75 to a 100 points in less than two weeks of daily fasting (eating only within a six hour window per 24 hours).  I might have gone without eating for two days in there, due to fog, but no more.  And, yes, I ate, well, today.  Now to drop that last 75 and keep it at 100.  Docs have said that they want it down to 80. Never.  I nearly pass out at 69, I fear coma. Docs are... either murderous or stupid a little too often for my trust.

Food on the mind.

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Fasting is good.  So are treats.  However treats don't need to kill the program.  Ketones are measuring between 30 and 45 in just a week and change.  A fast food with all the wrong things won't wreck that for me.  The problem is, when I start that way it isn't easy for me to stop... like the chip commercial.  And, yeah, I want to keep ketosis going.  Sorry about the bad breath from it, but I'd rather cure diabetes than worry about social niceties.

I have found that if carbs are homemade, without sugar or other weird forms of carbs and else, I can handle those well.  As a treat I can do that rarely, even in excess, especially with the right fats.  It will neither throw ketosis off nor create a feast frenzy beyond control.  Using good whole carbs, homecooked, with the right recipes, and life is golden.

Another day, another chance.

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Thursday?  Good.  I was thinking it was Friday.  There are things I hope to do before the weekend.  Not sure it's  possible, but a day is a chance.  When sleep arrives while groggy beyond reason what day it is or will be upon waking just doesn't always work out as it might seem.  More so when wave after wave of off days and nights batters the senses.  It is amazing that I am tending the girls, medicine, amd food.

I am fasting again, daily fasting.  Because of the fog I usually eat one meal a day.  Some of the pain, as I remember from the last time I fasted, is from internal shuffling.  It isn't that I am losing too fast, mostly.  It is that my body hasn't been in this size territory in thirty years.  Organs, connective tissue, muscle, and fat all has to try to puzzle itself all together again, and on a still changing area.  Add in extra long sleep sessions which put that under extra stress and, well, things will hurt.

Why try to lose weight?  To be honest that is not even one of the actual goals, merely a potential side effect.  The real goals are to control, perhaps eliminate, diabetes... again, affect heart rate and pulse, and otherwise improve health.  Medicine won't do it, neither would surgery.  Modern Western medicine is a partly controlled death, not a way to health.  You have to choose health, work for it, know when and regarding what to trust your medical employees, then go from there.  Do your own research.  Would you go to a clothier and just tell them to dress you?  People wonder why they can't afford doctors but do that very thing.  Doctors pretty much just sell pills.

The pain often goes shortly after getting up.  The fog seems to last, never fully lifting.  Wait, I think the last time I was fasting I researched brainfog.  There was a couple of vitamins, a ketone starter mix, and...  Yeah.  I'll round that stuff up and begin using.  I don't think it will help with pain, but that is far less of a problem than a semipermanent daze.  I want to get to some work and projects.  Love working when possible.

The dress shoes don't fit. I'll need to return those, trying a 13 in one of them. I hate buying shoes.

Later.  Actually it might be naptime.

Had to laugh.

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While youtube has locked up, for the most part, sjw's push a volley through.  It was based on me not being wed.  Thing is, for a man, being single isn't a major issue.  Even as ill as I am I get through.  I'll never go through menopause, become as weak, or even become invisible (ask any women at the tale end of middling, if she has superior genes).    I can still flirt with college aged women on up, I am noticed.

I'm attempting to imagine the type of females and males who would be happy about such: females first; middle aged divorcees, women with no prospect for whatever reason, and young women who have been in the easy lane and are just about to hit the fork... going into the difficulties of life with a chance at risky success or staying with the easy life until prospects are gone; the male side are the guys who will never get to see a woman once, possibly not without paying for it.

It is funny.  Women who can't give it away or who haven't learned yet, and guys generally considered below giving it to.  Dogs end up higher on the ladder.  Laugh as they may, even if that can be counted as a failure, along with my illness, I have a far superior life.  I even have children, by women who wanted them and really with exactly me, not even just one, nice looking in that time.  I do feel for those like that.  Even their attacks merely show how terrible, miserable, sad, their lives are.

So much for a nap.

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I didn't do all planned before the nap.  I didn't sleep as early as planned.  I did get several tasks completed, including a few that weren't on the list.  There is always more to do and often more to tasks than what can always or easily be anticipated.  Which is fine.  What was it I heard?  Ah, yes.  If you find yourself in hell, keep going.  While this is decidedly not hell, it is as close to it as I would like to be.  So? So keep walking!  * shakes head*

At 5:30 Ifinally went down.  Pain has been rare and mild.  Fog is here but not a complete shutout.  I am rested, fed, medicated, and well.  I thus thought it would be a nap.  Thirteen hours later and I am just waking.  Intense dreams, alighter sleep, but all good save minor body aches from laying too long.  Those usually pass quickly, especially if I can get to work, which is probable.

I finally discovered what MGTOW means, beyond the words.  No, that isn't my deal.  I simply didn't find wifely material both of us could agree upon and I realize time is up.  If I had a correct diagnosis I would have been married.  I passed up some very good options specifically because they told me wrong.  I have no problem with men who are dropping out, or women.  Especially seculars.  If sex is just for pleasure marriage is foolish.  Perhaps, for many men, they honestly can't afford a woman, alone, definitely not with children, in more ways than financial.  Some of them seem seriously sour grape sorts, been there done that even having sampled... broadly.  I finally can afford but it's too late.  So it goes.  Now I know though.

A shower, a bit more laundry, and dishes.  Always more.  First to more fully wake.  Was expecting packages today, did not arrive.  Bleh.  Later.

Better, again.

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No pain, rested, though still a bit foggy.  If plans work laundry that is dry will be folded or hung then put up, dishes will get a first shot, then a shower and shave.  Perhaps a nap around 3:30 give or take an half.  If there is more to me after that, dishes will be finished and by then a trip to the post office, perhaps trash to the outside bins on the way.  That will leave life open for a trip to town soon, just a bit of shopping.

Of course, first thing, making the bed and "morning" prayers.  Wherever, and whenever, you are, there you are.  Oh, and one of my orders of dress shoes is in.  It it fits, and I like it, I'll be looking in that brand for a pair in brown.  I don't have many dress outfits, but enough for at least two different colors of shoes.  Plus variety.  Not required if not purely a luxury.

I have missed making the bed, and various prayer times, but do rather much better after solid advice, a plan, along with some to me astounding successes.  I don't know why successes in so many areas happened all at once.  This has been the intent for more than a decade. I have tested things too.  I... am surprised.  I mean to research some things along certain lines.

Wish me luck?  Later.

Hmm?

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Right bedtime.  Way past bedtime.  I was going to bed... ten or twelve hours ago.  It was believed, felt like the time, would have fit the typical schedule.  I can't tell you what did or did not happen to make that so.  I turned down the heat, medicine and food were administered, nothing unusual happened.  I think I am nearing being awake for 21 to 22 hours.  Really close, or over that.

Oh well.  I am feeling better.  Not numb just better.  Good night and day.

I don't know.

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What time do I wake, go to sleep, this day or that?  While I am doing better, seemingly more able, why do I fog over and end up doing so little.  The want is there.  The will and muscular aspect of flesh seems solid.  Prayers happen especially when things seem at risk.  Snow, which surprised me, but then nothing.  And it is bedtime again.

There is tomorrow.  The pain remains if milder.  I will read from the book, usually two to four chapters depending on several things.  Prayers and sleep finish the day off well.  Things are set up for work, a shower, and some other potential tomorrow.  Hey, if you aren't just waiting for me to die, and you happen to pray, might I bum a few words from you to God.  Even if you don't think He listens to one such as I, you know he listens to you, right?  *grins*  Prove your bona fides, if thats what it takes though, I'll probably include you in mine.  You will need it and more.

It seems youtube is refusing much access.  If they are a dying company or simply completely sjw converged, if that is a repeat though the cause may be different, it looks as if youtube, by making me dead to it has become dead to me.  When the politics of your advertisers is more important than your and their clients, as if that is even really possible in anything but a thought police state, your business is done... until it is a full police state, if too only as long as the state survives.  I think they are doubling down in their death throws.  I hope so.

Does youtube want to know what would potentially save them?  Cut their ad-free fee in half, guarantee vids older than five years so a user could download and re-upload should an account be banned, allow consumers to privately choose the races in ads if they choose not to pay, and stay completely out of politics, being involved only when compelled by law over a vigorous legal and political team.  At this point they seem to be a party to the worst elements of government control.  If that wins, they will become a part of the bureaucracy as they are in China, and probably other nations, including Euro state agencies.  Then they will really begin policing themselves... don't think most sjw's will like how Trotskyites end... just like the others, simply more stupidly surprised.

Wow. Not as bad as anticipated.

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I truly thought shoveling was going to hurt.  As broken, beat up, and crippled as I have been I really... wasn't looking forward to it.  Just getting dressed for it seemed to wind me.  Happily half of the drive was cleared, the sun must have shined?  Even some sun can do much.  I decided to get to it as quickly as possible, which wasn't exactly impressive.  Still it was what I could do, and not bad all givens.

There was between an half inch and two at the deepest.  It seemed pretty wet, if it was well into freezing.  It went quickly, as smoothly as I thought only to be dreamed.  No extra pain, no enhancement of the pain, even the pain from the start dissipated with the snow.  Still with the fog, but not exhaustion.  I do wonder how much faith studies might help me not just tame my penchant for sin, but also add to my simple ability to function.  I already have charitable work in mind.  If that would be silly if I am not taking care of myself and my home duties.  Still it is a goal.  Charity, love, starts at home.  If not I think it is a false pride?  Summit like that.

There is always hope.  Now to finish the chores set up yesterday.  If I can catch up on regular stuff then I can dig into so much that is in arrears.  Who knows.  I don't agree with all this book suggests.  I don't think that is the point.  It isn't to become Christ, it is to explore that with my whole heart and mind and soul.  This book makes that much easier.  As with the Bible this is a book which won't be read then set aside.  Might read it again right away.  Hmm, I should log my disagreements, explore them, then review in my second reading.  Don't know about you, but I can be a fool to even a God damned fool.  If it wasn't for His simple true full love and forgiveness...  Still it's what I have.  And it works more than not.  Good to test and sort it though.

Later.

A short break.

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I couldn't sleep as quickly as hoped.  Just an hour off if that seemed to throw things way off.  Sleep was good.  I needed more than thought.  Each time I woke an attempt to wake took place.  Pain returned about half way through, not as bad as before.  Solid, steady.  I could sleep through it mostly so I did, which again extended sleep.

It's not a terrible 'morning', just tight.  I looked out.  Some of the snow is gone, but I still need to shovel.  I hope it hasn't frozen in.  I'll be to it shortly.  The pain isn't as bad as it has been and even half the sleep being pain free allowed a good rest.  A break on two fronts definitely helps.

I see Trump is winning.  In court he reclaimed the right of presidents to do their job and keep terrorist prone populations out for long or all.  What he ought to do is repatriate every foul orc allowed in by the illegal ban on his action.  As well, I have to believe that the feds could find real federal crimes against not just the San Fran murderer, but also public officials involved with the murderer and case.  How can murder by an illegal NOT be a federal item?  Illegal status is a fedral item, so any crime committed by them must also be federal.

As well, president Trump undid two Zero federal land grabs here in Utah, and is looking at more than a score of others.  One of them was on my personal list, the staircase.  I once knew a... man... who pretended to be a friend who was so happy with Zero's actions.  I told him, if Trump won, no other repug but Trump, he might rescind.  Laughed at, told never done before.  I looked him right in the eye and told him Trump was different.  No coward like repugs he knew, and a winner.  I know he is raging as much as I am pleased.  Courts, of course, but he is doing well there.  Further, if he wins, no Repug president will again be allowed to betray us.  Actually?  This may be the start of the first federal government bureaucracy real reduction I have seen in my lifetime.

Now for him to politically and physically survive the various sorts of assassination attempts by the enemies of the state, domestic and foreign.  Supporters have our roles too.  As with Judge Moore, knowing good and right against agents of the liar is not just a right but a duty.  We DO police our own, it is time we do it rightly, not allowing them to whisper lies in our ears to kill careers of right men.  Even our men who have faults are better than their "men" who don't even believe in virtue or sin.  Just think about that for one hot damn minute!

Anyway, have to wake then get going, in... a bit.  Later.

Better for no good reason.

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The pain lifted.  It was there, like a ton of bricks, crushing the life out of me.  I just went about life.  Suddenly I realized the pain was gone.  A bit of stretching and testing seems to prove it out.  Not that I am suddenly full of vim and vigor, but if pain stays abaited I might get there.  I loaded dishes, started on food, and hope yet to do a load of laundry through, with a load dried out and in the dryer.

I may nap in there, hoping to get to the post office by it's noon closure... unless it's some sort of holiday?  Don't hate, I usually don't remember my birthday.  Not a health thing, just my specific brain wiring.  I have attempted to correct it to no good ends.  Can't find calendars with Christian and US holidays either, and the smartphone/apps reset with every reset.  I gave up.

A bit of a problem is that it is snowing.  I don't know how much is expected, will check.  The plow isn't attached if I doubt it will be needed.  However that still leaves shoveling.  I'll definitely need a nap in there.  If the pain stays gone perhaps a good recharge can happen in a hurry.  If I can finish dishes, the first shot, I can leave the shower open for when I wake.  Then do laundry and reset dishes as I edge to a walk to the post, or a shovel and drive.

Sorry, Buttercup, I just don't think death is in the cards.  What was all that about?  Perhaps a different kind of death.  Yeah.  Maybe.  Men, some, don't end in some ways.  But when they realize the hunt is over, they can park it out back and just walk on.  A different sort of death.  That is my bet.

For some reason the Catholic links have stopped populating in youtube.  I don't know if the authors can reject, or if that is sjw action on yt's part.  Or even advertiser complaints.  I strongly suspect one or both of the first.  Happens often.  Should check to see if the vids have been yanked.  Yeah.

Later.

Can't fix it.

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Pain.  I can't sleep through it, medicine isn't solving it, anacin isn't touching it, neither fasting nor food are helping.  Just because one suffers, and there can be good from bearing it, doesn't require mere submission.  There are limits to management.  I suspect it will come and go.  I am unwilling to take anything addictive.  Better to suffer, and that even with broken ribs.  This is not that.  I wonder if a senator can handle a bit of pain?

Sleep is no longer full for it, stretching sleep so as to attempt to obtain a fuller rest.  Rolling and tossing while searching for comfort.  Pillows being used as wedges for areas which are getting too much pressure and wear.  I let the girls in sometimes.  Just for portions, for their will and to have some company.  As well so they aren't forgotten, to make sure to remember that they need food, fresh water, and litter changes.  Yeah, they let me know, if sometimes they try to take advantage.  Just like kids.

I won't say this is the worst, only that it's regularity combined with it's intensity is wearing thin.  Further all efforts to relieve either aspect has thus far failed.  I am out of remediations.  Time.  Patience.  Prayer.  On the good side, medicine, food, and sleep are doing well.  I get sleep, and some rest, if a bit fitfully and through excess.  I have tried pushing through on raw limits, but that just creates a huge mess.  Would rather split my day than end up with bits and parts and no regularity, from which I am still recovering.

Prayer, reading, basic care, and what else is possible continues.  I'll... keep at it.  I need to get out, just to be out, soon.  Bleh.  Later.

Troubling.

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For the moment I am stuck.  Prayer isn't getting me anywhere.  I was able to set up meat, mostly ready.  I have been making the bed, saying prayers, taking meds, feeding and keeping up on the girls, and a very few very small other things.  My ability to simple will to effort is broken.  Food, heat, medicine, sleep, all being tended to no good ends.  Patience, continued prayer, continued effort.

I'm not feeling the best on top of things.  The lungs are just off still, perhaps other things.  I'll keep things in mind, do what I can when possible.  I think this is it for the night, mostly.  Reading first.  Good night.

Death.

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Not a concern, not an immediate risk, not pending or threatening or seen proximately, only the newest topic in my reading.  Of some concern to all, no doubt.  More so to those so busy winning, or having others win for them, doing their own thing, or otherwise not focused more steadily on the real long game, that of the soul.  I won't say I have no concern.  I am certain I have seen the final act, in as much person as possible.

I wasn't ready then, not quite.  I was at the line, but I knew I wasn't ready.  Others were there with me.  Terrible that fear.  Seeking the problem.  Even those who were ready, and then would go, did so casually.  Even then there was fear.  It is stepping away from life with death, surrendering sin, changing in unknowable ways.  I believe, if I am at that same line, I will truly simply step in.  Some need not make that step.  I hope more I am in that crowd.  Not from my efforts or recent successes, mind you.  Even if I sinned not even one more time, my just desert is complete and utter destruction.  Only my faith in God, in His sacrifice, will save me.  While I do remember the line, my faith is far greater than any fear.  So... death isn't, so much, a concern, incentive, or such.  It is merely a door I know will be there at least one more time, the only one leading to right grace.  It is a choice, I have chosen.

Still another several videos popped.  The one I suspecred seemed right.  I also found several videos on the rosary.  This, if I go there, will be the third attempt at the rosary.  It... takes fortitude, focus, and some... other things.  Bead chops, I have heard them called.  Would like to add them to my morning prayers, and say them when enangered or my feelings are hurt, and before otherwise reacting.  Yeah...  Never you worry, if I'm not sure even I always have that kind of time.  If the goal isn't perpetual prayer but behavior modification.  Though too, if one doesn't work the other is still a better option. I need to find one of my rosaries first.  Hopefully the one with much larger beads, if the smaller one's use does serve as penance.  If that gets going I will add the vids.

I best get food started.   I think I have been double fasting.  Don't want to go to far accidentally.  A few days is fine, but it needs to be a conscious, defined, thing.  Fasting is no longer a health thing, at least not in the majority.  It is a thing of faith.  Here is the video which satisfied my contemplation.

What brutal sleep.

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When did it start.  I only know that getting to bed was difficult.  The body wanted sleep but it, we, or I, was stuck awake.  Sleep is deeper lately, or seems to be.  Sleep was good until I became stuck in it.  I woke solidly several times but would lose my grip.  Even now wakefulness is very tenuous, and painful.  The combination is definitely worse... pain pills, first thing.  Yes, bed made, prayerful planning, even if I end up back down.  Some days remind me of the river run.

The lungs, I think, are still sore.  As one begins attempting to solve a problem, other potential solutions arise.  The first change didn't fix it, but seems to be a good choice for other reasons.  The next option, I suspect, will fix the problem in time.  It didn't come about quickly, it won't become well quickly.  Perhaps, if I can add walking to my routine, that might help.  But in this cold?  Ah, and shoes...

I have ordered new dress shoes.  Even 13 in most of my footwear is way to big.  With 12's I can wear the heaviest of socks, even with a thinner second sock.  After I sort dress shoes I'll need to obtain regular shoes and boots.  I'll keep even the 14's, just in case.  Perhaps some 13's will still work.  Messy, but medicine is finally doing it's job.  Odd how, until the correct dose was given, and given time to work, it's as if my body was trying to drink itself to death.  Once the bodily flood was fixed, and a comparative drought was established, the thirst diminished to much less.  A gallon and just a bit more a day now. I feared my thirst was going to explode.

Everything is one step at a time.  Fasting, medicine and the right dose, shoes, clothes size, figuring those with money and sleep issues.  I've lost two pounds.  Given that water weight is controlled, all weight I lose will be real.  I must be careful about weight gain, as that might be purely water weight and require adjustments.  It is what I have and as good as I can do with it all.  I think prayerful planning and review will help a great deal.  I believe it has already done things I had come to honestly, in good faith, thought must simply be suffered, along with compunction... a word I still don't completely grok.  I truly wonder what else might be possible.  I will be looking for little opportunies to serve, ways that have nothing to do with me.  I... already have one potential, if I am afraid.  If you know me, you know fear is more a baited hook than a barrier.  Woe is me, I just hope I can make it work.  :p  Do need shoes that fit though, right ones for the tasks.  One. thing. at. a. time.  Amen.

A nap.

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Longer than usual.  I needed the fan but only used a throw.  I read for a goodly bit from the book of recent note, The Imitation of Christ.  The last few chapters covered both compunction and... isolation?  Okay, I understand quietude.  I realize I talk too much.  I am working on that.  With company being rare this will always be difficult.  Even having a wife around probably leads to much more discussion than is remembered.

I speak to the girls, and they understand more than I would have believed, but it isn't two-way.  If you haven't vowed to silence, this is difficult.  I am neither an introvert nor extrovert, I can live happily either way.  But a visit every few weeks is, well, a stretch.  I'm just not sure where even to find company or make friends, even where that physically possible.  Most people seem to be extremely limited in what they discuss, and with whom they converse.  Some men don't even include their wives or brothers, some men don't talk to anyone.  And woman realize what they often deny, men and women can't really be friends.

Trouble isn't what it used to be.

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I don't know about you all.  I do know about me.  It wasn't all foolishness, youth that is, but it had seriously foolish moments.  While obviously not physically immortal, I promise there are those who would not wager their life on it, or again in retrospect.  For one steeped in the secular, drowning in the perfume of youth perhaps especially already well tainted with an aura of death, that death wasn't obtained is a bit of an oddity.  Some of it...  Fighting even to this day if not the same, mostly.

A new day.

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Sleep is still messy.  I don't know when I actually finally went to bed.  It was after 6:00.  I couldn't sleep before that.  I wanted to, needed to?  Up at about 15:00.  It'll probably be another short day.  I am hitting things right up front, because I can and because I don't want another nothing-burger day.  Focus, cognition, memory, and simpler physical stamina all seem greenlighted, so I will use them as possible.

First thing was a start on laundry.  A load was left in the wash.  Vinegar and another shot, but seems okay.  A load out was sorted and stored.  Dirty laundry has been gathered for at least another load, and clean clothes have been put in the bathroom in prep for a shower.  Then, for the first time I made the bed then did morning prayers as both a prayer and planning time, including God in the program.  If it looks like I'll be awake even most of a 'day' I will have a midday prayer and review.  Otherwise, if I crash too hard and soon, then that will be the end of day prayer.  If I don't crash too hard and fast.  Not a dibetic thing, I have been watching that.  It's the usual high but stable.

No reading the last few days.  I've been failing too quickly in what passes for a day, then too quickly when I do lay down.  Prayers, and succes against vexing sins, has been continuing.  To think fifteen years, with all the effort I could offer, prayer, and all else, then to solve most of it in a single day.  No, I did not just become iller or older, the temptation remains, grows.  Perhaps it will lead to a form of death, if that is appropriate at this point.

Hmm, best check the clothes.  Later.

Do you have a headache?

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Do you want one?

No idea.

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Just waking.  I've been awake for an hour and change.  I have no clue when I went to bed or else before that.  Memory of sleep and that is gone.  Day?  Date?  Plans?  Sleep has been good, definitely these last two, or at least combined.  My lungs hurt, have hurt for probably a week.  Which makes absolutely no sense.  No, I have been keeping up on medicine.  I just don't know about the lungs.  One thing I have noticed is that once I got on a high enough level of waterpill to expell fluids to normalcy my seeming need to drink shrunk.  While still consuming a gallon to that and another half, that is down from as much as three gallons.  Hmm, maybe that...  I have an idea... too late today, will see tomorrow and for a while.  Changes mean change, right?  Usually.

Dreams, as usual.  All good that I remember.  The only real(ish) part I remember was being in a cathedral so large it was impossible, and yet I not only felt I fit in it correctly, but for the first time in my life I felt welcomed and as if I belonged, both in the place and with the people.  I have, since being called, felt quite at home with God, and sometimes at church, but rarely with many people.  This dream... wasn't here.  I did catch that it would never be here.  So be it, I can wait.  That doesn't mean I have given up on church, though sour grapes at failure to make it may show from time to time (this not being that) .  Actually this is a reminder to push through again.  It... isn't about me, being accepted, or feelings, it is about worshipping God.  For all I know everybody feels that way?  If so isn't worship the better for the sacrifice of self?  *smile*  My problem isn't ego, it is uncontrolled sleep, exhaustion, fog.  Anything else is sour grapes, mostly.

I do remember some things.  What I have been reading, where that has been leading... all there and becoming practiced.  Compunction; sort of still just a word, efforts are in play to make it a reality.  It has successfully, twice now, allowed me to derail a main vexation.  I am including review of the day, along with prayer, at least once a day.  In fuller days the goal will be twice a day.  With my days shortened to five hours often lately there just isn't enough material to cover.  I will be adding morning prayers, perhaps after making the bed, to plan the day, set goals.  I like what is happening.  I might never function well again, but I can yet improve.  If that is all that is left to me I think it is enough.

Hmm?  Dunno.  I know something was in the works.  When I wake more I will grouse for clues.  Blank.  Later.

Sleep will just sort itself.

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I went down a bit after 17:00.  It was quick, but not such a crash that I couldn't have posted.  The 'day' and it's end were so flat, bland, that there simply wasn't anything to write.  Sleep was good, and seemed deeper.  I suspect sleeping when it is too light is as much a part of things as the unusual warmth this time of year... at least it seems unusually warm.  I get the sense that some parts of the states are in for truly dangerous cold.  I wouldn't want to be in some areas even with my nature.

It's too late to be out tinkering on the machine, lights or no.  Respecting neighbors' needs is just common good will.  Plus uncouth oaths carry too easily at night.  While I have attempted such efforts without, and sometimes go without... it's not a safe bet.  Like a sailor.  I don't think it is taught, or can be untaught, though flaw, gift, or a natural part of battling metal, bolts, angles, mass, and else is... unknown to me.

In prayers and dreams, a wounded right pride went in search of a way to combat several sins and flaws.  Mocked, for such brazen attempts, I was told by a voice not a stranger to my ears.  Already mocked, rightly and wrongly, so another barb or three on that means better penance if anything, which is a path to rightousness, so of no negative concern said I.  Love watching him squirm.  Still, my initial hope that greater humility might be the path didn't hold up.  More humility will be sought, but that will be a slowly hard won resource.  When I woke, like a right present under a right Christmas tree, a video which held promise, and a word frozen back in time now come back.  Compunction.

Noon thirty?

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Not sure why or how I am awake.  I seem to be aware, realizing I just missed the post office.  I shouldn't be awake.  Perhaps my system clock sees this as the time to wake, if it's off projections and norms.  I suppose it would be, just odd it tilted the direction it did.  Interesting what a body does when it, for a or several reasons, divorces itself from common will, becoming literally incapable of following instructions in order to keep the body fed.  Without a large willing family, in most other times, I would have died or been ended.  Most thought, still do, many, that misfortune is deserved.  It's the easier way.  Even I go there from time to time.  There are some who choose, walk into where they know they shouldn't.  I did not choose this.  Still, in another time, perhaps in the near future?

Digging, the twelve steps of humility was found.  Some of those were familiar.  Losing the ability to do simple regular labor, or end yourself for it, will result in some rather harsh personal reviews.  While a woman can hurt the ego, none can throw stones like the self.  Can't miss.  Initially, with only rage and no other target?  Which is why so many people, especially men, who break, suicide if the illness isn't fast enough.  I think psych fields are more to try to figure out which ones are confused, to save those, and to gently urge the truly broken to their death.  Even that failed.

The steps?  The only ones I haven't tasted require a monastic life.  Not that I have sampled rightly.  Just, I have been to the bottom of the deck, I recognize the monster I am, can be, in it's many ways... from frail flesh to many-bellied hungry animal and on to willful sinner.  Attempts in rejection have been denied, so I have had to at first drown in absolute failure.  Eventually I learned to live with it, then more.  I'll never be able to unsee, fully accept.  Without a place there is only grace.  I... half hope, when your time is up you will make it through to here.  It is a challenge, every day.  But if you make it to acceptance in spite of your lack of use, even as you deteriorate without any sense of control, you will eventually just give a prayer of thanksgiving in case you don't have another chance, and mean it.  For the opportunity just to have lived and know God.

I guess what that means is I can't go deeper into humility along their path.  Illness, age, else, will continue to teach.  I will use those forces to learn, adding twice daily personal assessments along with prayers as the driver, plus colluding forces, and I will muddle through.  I won't grovel, again, if there is yet work to be done.  A slow narrow path.  Worth the price at any cost.  Yeah, it was brewing while I slept.  Later.

How does it get so late so quickly?

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Food was good.  I must admit my eyes outdid my stomach.  It is good to have a little extra on offer from time to time.  The stomach is off though, like it is grinding glass.  That even before  being handed walking papers at a long-time blog.  It is good to know how someone really feels, seriously.  If I really am that bad more people should say so, or at least stop visiting.  Not that it doesn't sting, merely that pain serves a purpose.  I have removed it and a few non-performer blogs.  I don't go where I am not welcome.  Anyone else want delinked?  Now would be a good time, no sweat.

Right wrong?  That is above my paygrade.  But if he wasn't joking lately, which I was attempting to weigh, for my part this is right.  I simply offered him the stone to throw.  He threw.  He may well be right, or at least for his purposes.  And I for mine.

I'll get to bed as soon as I can.  Something is keeping me up.  Not the ban, that just happened, to my knowledge.  Too much activity, wasn't really ready, that is my bet.  Can't gear down.  A handful of anacin.  Usually night meds do it.  I won't take sleeping pills and haven't found a food that works.  Ugh.  I want to be up in time for the post office, not sure it's possible.

Oh well.  I should be able to possibly finish the blade, though certainly the counter weight install tomorrow, wet or dark shouldn't be an issue.  I'll be sore, too tired, and distracted, but I was today.  There is a chance.

Good night.

Sometimes it works.

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I was almost sure of a shower.  Getting out, and to threy stores?  Still, only way to know is to start then see where you get.  I am still hurting for some unknown cause, tired half out of my wits, and that bit of work, half of it on my back just took a lot out of me.  Like it?  No, I loved it.  Wish I could do hours of that sort of thing a day.  The right help and more might be possible.  Even if a woman can't help, she can make other things work.  And, sometimes, if she has the aptitude and want, she can help.  As is I lose focus.

I did get going. H.D. first.  They had no idea.  Maybe the department chief who was done for the day and gone, though the best bet is a repair shop.  I'll call before bothering to drive in tomorrow... if more searching doesn't fetch what is needed tonight yet.  I looked over their compressor.  Nothing really looke right.  I looked through their work lights, "Not for the prices they cost!", as an old friend often suggested.  I think the cheapest I saw was $69, for a floor sqat, one piece.  There were supposed to be others in electrical but I didn't find them.

Walmart.  Had to get hard catfood anyway.  Wasn't sure they would have anything.  Not bad, if I will avoid anything rechargeable... made to fail, quickly, more so if found in walmart or at amazon.  Anything with an internal battery from those outlets is meant to move trash around.  I did find several which use real good bulbs and plug in.  I bought two ground level and an elevated one, if it also can be groud level.  Yeah, I like having more than enough.  Then again this whole set cost less than the one at H.D.  Perhaps, if you are a contractor, and the gov shovels money at you, go for it.  But don't cross your eyes at me when you are lynched, with your crew, for helping to destroy the world economy.  I suppose we should make them build their own hanging rigs, for free.  Hmm?  Right.  Haven't tried them yet.  Even simple things, these days, have to be checked.  I'm won't blame it all on China, walmart amazon and associates all play their part.  If you pay attention you might get by.

Then to groceries.  All needed and a super deal.  I found a thick-cut ribeye, with some bone in, a double cut, light on bone, for less than what intended dinner was going to be.  It's starting in the oven, to be finished on the grill.  Had to be salted and brought to room temp first.  So, yeah, I still got a bite at a drive-through.  My stomach was already driving me to growling far to easily.  I bought veggies, to try with various butters, and some good fall roots to be roasted with beef.  Okay, so some of the other roast types are... not so bad.  Toss in cabbage and tubers and life is good.

Not bad. Exhausted, maybe a touch owly, but it was a good day.  And there is still tomorrow.  Now?  I have food to finish.  You?

Mostly.

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The blade is together, the mount is connected to the chassis.  Idid have it all connected save for the lifting bar.  There are no instructions or parts included for that.  Half way through help arrived.  Perfect timing, initially for light asit was going pitch, then for help with the blade, etc., weight and angles.  He works on similar tools but couldn't figure out the handle either.  Of course that is the one thing for which I couldn't find a video.  A trip to the store.  I had thought tomorrow, feeling so late.  Dunno, would want a shower, but would buy dinner if I can make it.

I enjoyed tinkering and swearing.  I think one is almost required with the other.  The back should go on easily as with the tire chains, once I get a compressor.  I want one, a good and mostly mobile one.  All sorts of tires, a nailer, torque wrench, perhaps even a paint gun.  Those last two require a lot though, not sure I can split that much green.  Even my off-road tires are demanding.  Still, it's about time.  Mighr look around, chat up any pro on hand.  Tonight or tomorrow, so tired even before.  Going to be tired anyway, if I can I will.

Tea and a bit of reading, blogs, then?  Later.

Late waking.

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The girls were trying to wake me since 8:30.  About every two hous after that.  Ah, they must have gone through the hard food I keep out to tide them over.  Not much I could do.  Way too tired.  Cats DO have snoozes!  Still, every two hours.  Should have shooed them out and closed the door.  First, I couldn't really herd cats, and they would have pounded the door every two hours anyway.  Note to self, dry cat food.  TODAY.  I finally woke at about 14:00.

As to who the fuss is about?  I'm starting to think it is pretty much everybody.  Close, far, kin, friend, associate, enemy, and those without any real attachment at all, which means for no good reason, some of them.  Some of it I fully understand, not that I always care, and I don't agree or there probably wouldn't be an issue.  I really can go with only God.  He gets the worst of the deal but seems satisfied with the deal.  Heck, He is who proposed, called.  All I had to do was follow, if that is a hell of a thing for even a broken one of my kind.  So?  Don't think I'm picking on you, or you alone.  Not even really picking, just sensing it.  The reading... added something to it.  Do what you have to do, some of it I get, if it isn't...  I am here, you are there, so be it.

I ran the whole quart of cream through to clotted cream this time, salting as I was loading.  The cream was much thicker this time.  I have heard that cream will vary, as to viscosity, evn week to week from the same cow?  That is how I heard it from several sources who have proven out before.  I should have made butter, even if I have plenty and am buying theirs.  Just to do it once, for the experience.  The next thick batch gets butterized.  The clotted cream has cooled enough to be covered and refrigerated.  I'll let this batch rest overnight.

I may see if I have a dried cherries, cranberries, or else for scones.  With it cooling, making a dough batch, then just baking one or two every other day, along with clotted cream and a cup or dozen of warm tea?  Sounds good.  Next to find good fresh eggs, though to see what feed they use?  But what feed is good?  All I know is commercial eggs seem to be a real problem no matter how I use them.  Hopefully baking won't be a problem?  Gahk!

Hmm, dressed, save for shoes.  Might try to install the scoop, maybe the counter-weight.  I need an air compressor for the tire chains, supposed to let the air out a bit, then pressurize to final fit.  I may just buy one this coming month.  Merry Christmas to self?  Especially if I can find an affordable 120/220-40 multi, for when I get the garage rewired.  Probably a few years off, but planning ahead is far better than catching up.  Right.  Just say "right".  :p

I best get to it.  Later.

Ask and you will receive.

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How much of a book does proper etiquette advise can be copied?  What is the proper form for citation, or this year?  I'll do my best and hoqe for the best.  My newest read is covering ground I am travelling, only... better.  Even better that I am forced to stop and think, question my words, motives, and other nagging... things.  A unit, called a chapter, follows.

CHAPTER 12

OF THE UTILITY OF ADVERSITY 

IT IS good for us to have sometimes troubles and adversities, for they make a man enter into himself, that he may know he is in a state of banishment, and may not place his hopes in anything of this world.

It is good that we suffer contradictions, and that men have an evil or imperfect opinion of us, even when we do and intend well.  These things are often helps to humilty, and defend us from vainglory.

For then we better run to God, our inward witness, when outwardly we are despised by men, and little credit is given to us.

2. Therefore should a man so establish himself in God, as to have no need of seeking many comforts from men.

When a man of good will is troubled, or tempted, or afflicted with evil thoughts, then he better understands what need he has of God, without whom he finds he can do no good. (John 15:5)

Then also he laments, he sighs, and prays, by reason of the misery he suffers. 

Then he is weary of living longer, and he wishes death to come, that he may be "dissolved and be with Christ". (Phil. 1:23)

Then also he will perceive that perfect security and full peace cannot be found in this world.

The Imitation of Christ, Thomis A. Kempis

As well, something more heartening.

CHAPTER 3

OF THE DOCTRINE OF TRUTH

Happy is he whom Truth teacheth by itself, not by figures and words that pass, but as it is in itself.  (Ps. 17:36; Pa. 28:26).  Our opinion and our sense often deceive us, and discover but little.

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The Imitation of Christ, Thomis A. Kempis

For I was called.  I was not welcome nor am I yet, among many, in any church.  If it wasn't for God, and rather urgently, I wouldn't be faithful.  More, I suspect most who would have taught would have corrupted.  My initial instructor was good, if hamstrung by many around him for his good faith, but he didn't call and the education was impersonal, class-based.  Not a thing of pride, though.  What will Christ do for the lost sheep?  Right.  Still...  Pleasing.  I did get private lessons.

Sometimes the right book at the right time.  Some of it is difficult to read.  I worry, doubt myself, outright know I fail, failed, will fall again.  Good to have another source to find comfort, find the right trailhead again, then to it.  The book also has recommendations for various toils or even good times.  I think it's a keeper.

I am an ugly man, but His ugly man.  He gave me the time to bow and learn.

A few things.

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Tiptoeing financially, until ss is figured out.  Even with having a witness sign and drop it in the chute, they may well not receive it again.  They can refuse to do their job as long as they wish, not much I can do on my end.  I am not down to breadcrumbs and bologna.  I had to check, but Christmas presents were purchased and sent.  A good sale certainly helped, and on exactly what was planned.  Still makes it tigher, but next month isn't Christmas.

Still a bit rough.  I finally got around to food.  I'll have another meal in four hours.  In short order I may begin turning milk into kefir.  The grains are available locally, as is store-bought kefir, which used to work.  They may have changed it though.  If they did there is no live cultures in it now... or they can't grow, which has to be pretty much one and rhe same.  Since it is pretty much eaten for probiotic function in the gut, if it can't do that it is useless.  I'll tinker, figure it out, then report back.  I suppose they might have created cultures which convert lactose to else, for ease of digestion and making it safe(r)  for diabetics, then dies off so it can't be used.  Chemistry and biology, for better economic control of your food!  

It has been a wet day, but not too cold.  As I was grilling 'lunch' the sun came out.  So, while cooking I extracted the instructions for the plow.  Boy what a waste of my time and their paper.  If you can't find people who can explain something at least hire someone who can draw, 0 for two.  I'd fire the man running that.  If the next guy didn't fire everyone in the department, he would go with them.  I'll have to figure it out on my own.  Not feeling all that well, will check later.  On first review the instructions and logic to them makes me think the whole lot is affirmative action hires., or business majors... too often same thing.

If I can, I may go out and give things a whirl.  Cooling fast and getting really dark.  Hmm, I should check into work lights when money is right.  Later.

Difficult last few mornings.

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If you hace ever been in fights, serious ones either against more than one, or seriously undersized, or both, perhaps against an opponent who brought a 2x4 or baseball bat to the gig?  Yeah.  Win lose or draw, you will hurt.  The whole forward plane of my abdomen, deep in, feels to have been worked with a 2x4.  The surface is fine, as it used to be.  Enough fights and muscle becomes nigh on immune.  There is no way to strengthen organs.  As well, it feels as if kidney shots, exactly on target, were landed.  Today is the worst of the last four days.  I stayed down an extra couple of hours today to no good effect.  The pain usually leaves in several hours, but has been leaving me exhausted when it goes.

One thing I need to remember, with fasting, is to eat enough during the eating time.  I didn't yesterday so incured a foul, eating a bit after the six hour zone.  Not a complete drop though, still all within the eight hour zone, which is good, just not preferred.  I need to thaw more meat to ensure I can keep up.  I might begin sourcing fresh eggs, to see if my egg problem is eggs or the rooster.  Foul I tell ya, boy, I say boy.

Dreams still at flood stage.  Memory is still fading almost immediately.  One part of one dream... told I was considered odd, a strange duck.  Laughed.  Of course, I said.  But?, I was asked.  Held out a mirror to all.  The room burst into laughter, some of it becoming tense, nervous, as the roar crescendoed and people started looking each other over too.  No, I do not need confirmation from others.  I fail, but my Lord... we work this out as best I am able on my part.  He does His part flawlessly, which takes up my slack.  All I can do right is to allow Him to do His work, even through my guilt.  Laugh as you will.  I'll join you.  I will also explain things, as if to children.  Never did I feel any attempt at a slight succeeded.  Nor did I intend a slight.  But it... is funny, as I see it.  If others exposed their thoughts, dreams, and all as freely as I do... you'd... understand fully.  Most people hide.  That alone makes me different, if in truth no more, probably less odd.  But few others even dare say what they really think.  Still chuckling.

The pain is easing.  Not sure if getting up will bring it back, so I will sit a bit, until time to feed the fluff-nuggets... cats to you.  Medicine though, I have it reset for the next month.  I think it has taken over as the main source of exhaustion, which is good.  As soon as I get that under control I might be okay.  Ugh but this life can be messy.  Hurry and wait, as if I was back in the Navy.

Good day.

Floods of dreams.

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In the last two weeks nearly every night has been filled with dreams.  Some are remembered slightly into the morning, if not long enough to write.  It seems as I am awake more often in dreams than I am asleep.  Yes, I think that adds to being tired when I wake.  Maybe not, it does seem a truth.

Awake, dressed in case an attempt to install some of the components can happen.  As well, I think some food will be grilled.  Oh, I best turn the heat up just a bit.  It is getting cooler, even getting cold sometimes, but not bitterly chill yet.  Some winters, to me, here, never go bitter.  Coming from a place were wet as it can be, -40 and worse not being uncommon, and with heavy and high winds as normal events, this valley, which cuts the wind and is usually dry, is easy even as my bones age.  Well, and I prefer the cold, not just marginally.  The weather was not one of my complaints with Iowa, well not winter weather.  Got to admit though, if strangely, as health improves I am becoming more susceptible to cold, if less susceptible to heat.  I would guess my whole comfort zone slid twenty degrees to the right.

I might be able to get the plow attached, perhaps all items.  The big jobs, removing the mower deck and connecting the plow to the harness... with one finished prospects look good.  Only that attaching could end up beyond a one-man job.  First, a bite to eat then letting that settle.  Well, and warming with the house.

With this done, I can sleep.  If I can shovel I will.  If not or in a hurry, the plow or snowblower, depending on the type of snow.  Not sure how well this will work.  Being 24 horse power make some difference, if it is still more hobby than industrial.  Next year I'll get a trailer for it, maybe a seeder and aerator too.  If you have it might as well more fully use it.  I did find out how to change the oil and air filter, which should be done this weeek.  Not sur about the fuel filter, I'll look for that today.  Ugh.

On to lunch, later.