Oh well.

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Everything I could pour into getting ready was burned.  A standing bath, washing hair, figuring out the outfit, tying the tie, even just a dot of aftershave.  Not too much, just enough to hopefully seem appropriate.  I couldn't actually shave, no mirror where needed, with running water and working drain.  I did what I could with the trimmer.

All that, and yet I was pretty sure.  More yet to do and it was done.

Then the drive.  With rush hour, something I had not calculated, the drive was roughly an hour and an half.  Thankfully I planned with plenty of time, arriving an hour early.  Actually, time wasn't making sense when I was ready, so it was just literally a hope and a prayer.  So I read, since I was early.  Then, as the time approached, I found a place where I could see both parking lots and a back entrance.  Time. rolled. by.  To the time.  Late.  Later.  Too late.  I... was pretty sure there would be no one there.  Yes, I knew.  Not saying I knew why.  Probably, not for certain. Yet.

One outright refused to schedule a confession, one accepted but did not show.  A pattern?  I will call tomorrow.  Will someone answer?  I won't reschedule.  I will ask if I am being excluded.  I don't know if they would tell me.  A lot of politics, government and other big money, and darkness, in the church.  But it mostly isn't out in the open.

President Trump, if you want to save religion in America, stop federalizing it.  If the church leadership can survive without our money they can completely ignore our input. Big money already has an outsized input.  Add the fed, and states, and all the poison that comes with it, and you won't end up subsidizing, sustaining, faith, you will end up murdering it.  If that is truly what you want, I'd advise you to be much more cautious with your wishes.

It was foretold that a time when confessions, the Eucharist, and such would become rare.  While my circumstances might be rarer, isn't it the canary which spells doom?  I'll... try, again, sometime, somewhere.  Exhausted.  I tried.  As bp is going...  Soon, just in case.

Dishes and what passes for a bath.

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Nothing fancy.  All a bit sloppy.  Washing out of a sink, for Marmaduke sized dogs is, well, you get what you get.  Now for a shave.  No mirror where I have a functional drain, so no.  Ugh.  I've trimmed, I guess that is that.  What else?  I do have things to do, and I will do them.

Making a list, checking it twice.  Chemicals, cigars, and other things might burn, but there is worse.  I might not yet be a saint, but it is the direction headed.  Fast enough?  Does any one honestly believe so?  When things get harsh, or if they never do, am I willing to die or live humbly?  That is as much as I could suggest.  Hope.

Seeking through pain.

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Peoples have done this in many ways, in many cultures and religions in all time.  Flaggation, hanging from hooks, sweat lodges, tattoos, you name it.  And to various levels for various reasons.  Death isn't the intention, it might well be the outcome.  Further, sometimes more is done.  The mind and soul might be purged along with the body.  A package deal.

In this video, it seems as if the narrator is being forced to endure all forms of privations.  Offered no solution but accepting pain, with a way out but only a naked one, he eventually accepts.  Most men cannot go there on there own.  Even if you know the story you realize even then there is a trick.  I needed no such trick.

Ah, the shark stare!

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And more.  I... realize the phenomenon.  I simply didn't know the cause.  It unnerves some, others shield from it by turning away, while others... especially attracted females... dive into it.  As some folk get used to you, or me, they relax and are no longer bothered.  I wondered why folk told me things as if I was a confessor.

Yes, as with being called a coyote, so to have I been called a sigma, which implies the infj personality traits.  It took nearly thirty years to investigate the coyote thing, so it only taking a decade or two to review sigma and infj traits is... an improvement.  Not that I am an absolute believer, although when the shoe fits?  Of course, there is the notion that people want to be whatever they hear that sounds good, or to them.

Not a bad morning.

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I thought waking would be a bleak affair.  The strange wake, it was wondered, would cause problems.  As is, other than the tickle with breathing and a slower than even usual start, life isn't bad.  Oh, I do know what causes that strange feeling when breathing, it has to do with one of my meds.  I have been eating more the last few days.  Pretty much a normal consumption.  Just seeing if leaving fasting for a bit might help.

Awoke at 9:00, been awake for an hour and twenty.  Struggling to move it all forward if there isn't too much risk of folding into a ball of sleeping ogre.

Today?  I'm not there yet.  I keep having to check the day though, as long as they seem, they can sneak by and a vital one is approaching, and lots of other things are rolling my way.  I have no trouble swatting incoming, I just have to know that I can and should.  Unless there are far too many.  My current risk is shutting down from a sense of being overloaded.  Best not to exhaust myself, pacing is key, while every new thing is extra expensive and being on-call increases the energy consumption of standard activities.

Even so, back to the kitchen.  Surfaces, counters, kitchen table, then floors?  Yeah.  Along with that, cooking.  What I missed the other day, boiled eggs, a roast, ground beef and pork fried to crumble as an additive, prepping a head of romaine... that is pr... wait, egg cups, with bacon (which means bacon fried), that crumble, and/or cheese.  What of it can be done anyway.  Hmm, some of that will be eaten warm.  Basically cooking and cleaning for the week, in theory.

I highly doubt the majority will be done.  I am not sure anything will be done.  However, if I can do something that is roughly the projects and order, very roughly.  Oh, I'll mess with the bedding, changing it out at least with morning prayers.  A good start when focus is available.  Then back to resting for a bit.  Yeah, that sort of morning if it was feared to be worse.

Later.

A double nap?

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Awake at 2:00.  I voted for a full sleep.  At least I expected it.  It has been a while since sleep was off, though not so long.  I am still logging sleep because it was off.  Not for readers, just so I could review from time to time.  Then again this whole blog is a journal.  More private, just grandfathered into public access.  Though readership is dwindling, it surprises me that it exists.

Hmm?  I have no idea.  Something about something else?  I might not be asleep but that doesn't mean I am awake.  Not feeling well again.  It isn't as if I am being crushed, lightly.  Though it seemed so initially.  It is more as if the muscles that allow breath are very tired.  A similar outcome, different cause.  Breathing is work, almost has a tickle to it.  Intermediate work.  I can't be certain if that is what woke me, if I don't think so.  So tired.  Would like to sleep.

I may attempt to go back soon.  Later or good night again.
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Back to bed?  It is 3:30.

I just don't get it.

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It isn't just the conditions, symptoms, and numbers of them, it is the hatred from so many.  Why I haven't died I just don't get.  I have learned to suffer very well.  I don't mind living or dying at this point.  Truly, His will.  I do wonder if suffering here is the price.  When it is foggier I become nearly sure, as sure as possible, that I am in purgatory... and for what seems an eternity, foggy or not.

The pain or absolute absence of it, the times I know it hurts but the cascading issuance cancels the sensations, as waves can cancel sound.  If it isn't too rough it can be interesting to observe.  There is so little else to do at times.  While it may seem all I know is self, and that might be true at times, that knowledge is gained just as externally as if I were you.  As if I were watching a machine, a failing one, taking notes.

As to hatred, I don't really get it.  I just know it exists, smell it.  And from the most surprising people.  What people are isn't at all who they are.  Not always and becoming rarer.  They hate being easily noticed, but it is that hate that makes them so easy to see.  If I were wrong, if they could defend their hatred, they wouldn't quietly, intensively, hate at me from shadows.

I don't fully, even mostly, understand.  All I know is I have been humbled nearly to death, then given some sort of ability to see.  I have been called to God, and hooked up to write, sometimes understanding none or little of it, sometimes more... as this, at least on the simpler meanings.

Just letting you know that I see.  While I have been harsh I am changing some of my approach.  Videos offering wisdom have directed me to, probably, a better way... just adding things to sufferings and moving on.  So I really will simply pray for you.  Yes, I can see.

At 22:36 it is bedtime.  Good night.

Hmm? Getting there.

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Too much, if I'll keep at it.

An appointment for confession is set.  I am not sure there will be time for blessings.  One thing at a time, or as necessary.  Stoked, if in a truly terrifying way.  I will write things down so as not to forget.  Why not Saturday at such and so a time?  Because as I have found, I can't be sure I will be able.  You don't like it?

I'm the schedule cripple.  You don't understand?  I woke up one day and couldn't make my body work, only having rare successes.  Medicine has improved things so sometimes, more often, a few days advance and I might arrange things, if it's on the schedule my system is on.  It's what I have.  So frustrated I tried to end it four solid times.  Brother, you have no idea.  I can't even die.

A curse, until as I was telling visitors today, I saw it for the humbling grace it is.  Still need great help with humility even now, to tell you were it started.  God has taken care of me, all that slips through my ungrasping cold nearly dead hands God seems to manage.  Deserve?  Of course not.  All the worse for the whiles until I... just relaxed into it, if continuing to try well beyond my ability, like a broken child trying to wake, walk, work, right through hopelessness.  As such, the goal is to be there an hour or two early. If the chapel or... if nothing else is open I can pray and read in my vehicle.

With that set I called plumbers.  I found one with prices which work.  A general quote, advice on brands though nothing exact, but no surety of when.  Within the week, I am told.  I'll just work on what can be done until then.  Probably in to see about a faucet soon.  I need cat litter and cat food while at it.  Perhaps I simply had too much on my plate.  Serious stuff, all popping at once as I view the horizon.

Two of three.

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Calls.  Actually three of four, the second and third, if because of a rejection.  One priest said he was too busy this week and... left it there.  I tried one negotiation, was shot down absolutely and all but dared to try again.  I... am catching clues better these days, for better or worse.  Okay.  So I called another.  I am waiting to hear back.  Confession, sacramentals, as a start.  Yeah, I have the list.  This is probably the most difficult one.  As memory improves...  as I learn...  Is it still a sin to miss required masses if a shutin?  I am assuming so.  As with other things.  God might well understand.  Hearing it in confession is still desired.  I will do my best.

The first call was to reschedule the missed appointment.  It seems one chance will be offered.  As to local contact, that won't be given.  The review area changes, so their is no actual single place, or local phone access?  Really?  It will be several weeks to a month or more out.  So I went with the next.  When I hear back, and get that set, or call another priest if need be...  Once set up I will call a plumber.  I just can't set up two blind appointments, they always collide.

Yea, I think I will skip the nap.  I will just attempt to stay awake until early afternoon, at least beyond time for a return call.  Not sure... about some things.  The world is changing.  I may be unwelcome, for right or wrong, or both, reasons.  I will find out soon enough.  Later.

Better. By degrees.

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I have to admit, I had some... concerns.  Not worries, my faith is absolute.  Even should I die before I could make it to confession I have the list ready.  Even while I do not have a blessed rosary, and seem surrounded by darkness, God knows I would be praying that way, am praying in other ways, including working on deeper prayers.  I keep looking, from time to time, neither rosary has turned up.

Better?  Yes.  Mostly in that I don't feel as if I am being crushed.  As to getting to work?  We'll see.  Not feeling lost and oppressed is good for now.  A few phone calls, then a nap?  Maybe.  Sure sounds good.  Want to help?  Really.  Just a short prayer, it's at least as good for you.  Later.

I just can't... take your pick.

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Well, I have done some things.  I cleared free-standing materials under the sink, did light cleaning after.  There is still the reverse osmosis tank and else under there.  Trash and recycling waited to this morning.  I hope I got recycling out in time.  Burned out, washed up, too hot, no energy, nothing.  At least I don't hurt on top of it all.  I have no good way to get to things.  And, yet, I must.

A few phone calls this morning.  Oh, a bit out from the fridge before the trash truck arrives.  If I can, a bit more cleaning under the sink.  A sponge bath would be good.  If I could just... get at things!  Ah, recycling truck, I was in time.  Anyway... just to wake, work, or even sleep.  It's rough and not improving.  Could be worse.

A call to reschedule an appointment, then schedule a plumber and which faucet he would recommend and then to obtain that.  I am hoping for a Moen single handle, or Delta.  I'm not going against his advice.  They rarely make the old kind, most with those prone to fail silicon disks.  Some aren't 'wet', so hard water doesn't cause the same problem(s), or so I have heard.  Failed tech which either absolutely stops drips or requires a complete shutoff of water and total replacement of the faucet, basically sticking people with an unfunded mandate of some sort?  Can't burn the EPA fast enough.  Now to undo their harms!

Oh, what I thought was the recycling truck was for trash.  I may have missed recycling.

Life has been so ugly lately.  I simply can't keep up.  Email returns, work, appointments, more.  Late, tired, off... no pain lately, or I am too out of it to notice.  If I owe you contacts, wait longer.  Be patient.  If I don't die first I will get back to you.  Can't think.  Tired.

Oh, to bed after 23:00, was trying to force getting the trash out.  Up at 8:00.  Later.

Is enough ever enough?

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I think some see.  More than suspected.  Not all can do much, not even all who can do, and see, are willing to do anything.  Some can't even shut up, continuing with lies in spite of no doubts about the truth.  Oh yes, changes will either be accepted or crushing.

Awake, perhaps soon to be at it.

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Sleep was good.  The room was in the low forties, perhaps lower?  I sleep so much better that way, especially when terribly tired.  I think I heal better that way too.  Just is how it is.  Dreams, but their memories aren't lasting.  Dreaming often, for the last few days.  Am I done yet?  It ain't over, I don't know but I'm pretty sure.  Awake at 7:30-8:00, to bed around 21:30.

Too tired.

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Work wasn't possible.  I did eat a bit extra.  I had plans, intentions.  Could not push, shove, break through.  Couldn't focus to write.  Not much, half asleep.  I have been pushing as heavily as possible.  I have wearied my flesh and mind to their limits.  I'll... keep my eyes on the goals and opportunities to chase such.

I am nearing bedtime.  I'll attempt to push through to 18:00.  Good night.

Wought?

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An appointment yesterday, an important one, was missed.  I was in town in what I thought was plenty of time.  I forgot the paperwork with the address.  I knew one of the streets and roughly the other address to a three block range.  It must be new?  I saw no sign, even checking buildings which might have been it.  I stopped at another medical place, they looked it up, but it wasn't listed online or in the phone book.  I called and texted the numbers I had.  Nothing.  I'm only going to take partial blame.  Oh, and I could find no local contacts in the paperwork.  All contacts were out of state.  Really?

A tune that has been haunting me.

Getting somewhere.

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Dishes done, those which were ready.  The little hall and bathroom, toilet sweeping and mopping for what good it does.  More work and time than anticipated.  Still, all good.  I will take some sort of bath, wash my hair, and call it a day.  I still need to clean under the kitchen sink, will need to keep the tub bailed, and will wash the tub out and really sponge out the dregs beforehand.  Either you do it or you pay him $50+ an hour to do the manual stuff.  Only putting in the faucet and plumbing, the rest I will try to have finished.

Not bad.  Four, five, more like six work episodes.  More as bathing in whatever contortionist fashion and washing hair are most likely going to be workouts.  No worries.  Drinking down my last keto slurry.  With using the slurry more often I have been able to go completely without sweeteners.  A week of that and, probably next weekend, I am going to try a three to five day total fast.  Just not ill enough to do it naturally this winter.  That's not much, just something.

Later.

When was bedtime?

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Other than it obviously being after the last post, assuming I am the sole writer and honest... if what you believe is none of my business... I don't know, can't recall.  I am trying to recall a time.  I looked often, even at the alarm clock while lying down the last time.  Memory, however, stops at the action.  I am almost sure it was past 17:00, not sure if I made it to the next or subsequent hours.  Waking at 4:00 (ish).  As variable as sleep length can be that doesn't provide a solid gauge.

Slept well.  Didn't dream.  Don't hurt.  Feel rested.  Am preparing to get ready.  Keto morning juice is going down, plans are being formulated, gears are being spun to check.  In an hour or three I will hit it.  Just from where things were left yesterday.  I will begin calling around later today, but not for work today... set it up for next week.  Ugh.  Should be done and ready easily by then.

All good.  Later.

A bit more.

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Finished, actually, with the last post.  A few minor things, and ongoing.  Dinner, roast beef.  As well I may finish the dishes soaking.  Nothing fancy, just chore by job by project being delisted one at a time or in parts.  I can do that, at least today.

Two work periods and popcorn.

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Not as much done as hoped if there was more there than believed.  Two loads of dishes, two hits on the hall, the tub bailed, a few other bits, then popcorn for lunch.  If I had to bet, I think the drain from the laundry room is also backed into the tub.  There was far too much more water than the drip would have deposited.  So...  Now that does strengthen speculation that there might be an access just for this purpose somewhere along the drain line, probably angled in for snaking.  I will be looking after I have all else ready, before calling.  If it exists, and I can access it, cool.  If nothing else I will know more, to inform the plumber.

As to popcorn, a new way.  I had serious doubts.  A silicone bowl and lid for the microwave.  Had been using an air popper, which burns out rather quickly.  I thought it would be funky, soggy, something bad.  That is whyfor bravery!  As it turns out, it is far superior to air.  Absolutely amazed.  And it will not burn out.  Can even use it in the oven to 450?  Crazy, baby.

Another break then back to it.  Hmm?  Perhaps more keto stuff when I finish the tea.  It helps when it helps.  Later.

Aye.

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The road to nowhere leads to whom?

Much later down.

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As with much else yesterday, sleep would not happen.  All I know with certainty is it was after 23:00 before sleep happened, but not past 0:00.  Waking at 6:23, I believe, easily and well surprised me.  I'll take it.  I am hoping this morning will see a start to the work.  I am not sure all the work before calling a plumber can be done in one day.  The realization, suspicion more, shut down efforts yesterday.  Yes, the mind can pout if given a task or set of tasks it doesn't believe can be done on it's schedule.  Not sure if that was it, or all of it, probably some of it.  Oh well, I am here and now.

The morning mix, minus MTC oil, is going down with medicine.  Instead of MTC oil or fatbombs, which because of calories, are being reserved for food hours, I am adding powdered fruits and veggies.  At five calories I am not worried about that tripping ketosis or even diabetes, but it adds something to bolster, mildly as that must be it is something.  Taste isn't an incentive but not a complete wash... tolerable and I can be a food baby.

Yeah, in an hour I am hoping to hit things.  I keep forgetting about the other sink.  I have to figure out if that drain is clogged.  Since none of the others are I doubt it.  If not I will set dishes up out there.  Then begin clearing the hall so that when clearing the floors after the rest of the bathroom is cleaned I can just sweep and mop on through.  I'll stop with planning there.  Ugh.  Maybe, if I push?  There is more than words convey.  But, maybe.

Not so much.

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Work simply did not occur.  I will not harbor concern.  I have a list, phases with switches, time will manage itself.  I used more keto stuff.  Not all of it as some of it has various limits per day.  When that failed, I consumed extra food, if within the fasting window.  Nothing works.  Ketone readings seem to indicate between 40 and 80, if closer to 40?  Perhaps the system simply isn't burning fat well enough yet?  Or other health is the problem?  I can't be certain.

The plan.

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All has been under consideration this morning.  Short, medium, and long term objectives have been plotted in time space.  As well food.  A new additive is being tried, MCT oil.  Still daily fasting, better at it.  So ketosis slurry is being used, with the oil if variously, not together.  Oh, and I can't go completely without sucra drops.  I have cut it to one use per day and half my usual dose.  It is helping, if two to three shots of the keto stuff on busy days such as today it is hoped.  Busy x 3?

Okay, first things.  A group of projects to be accomplished before moving on.  The bathroom needs to be cleaned top to bottom.  The floor, toilet, tub... as well the little L-hallway needs cleared and cleaned.  Next, under and the kitchen sink itself has to be cleared and cleaned.  Finally some sort of bath needs to take place.  A sponge, or other sort.  Hair is still clean as of yesterday.  All of these things absolutely done, then a call.  In case I find a plumber with the time.

Then the call(s).  If I find one who can do the tub, but not else, I may keep calling.  Regardless if services are available today or not, the plan is to continue cleaning in the kitchen.  If I get the general surfaces and stove/oven done, then I'll begin the entry hall. All done today?  I am not sure I will make the call, might no get there.  Though by tomorrow for sure.

As to the rest?  I won't bother until this pair of batches is completed.  Wishing well, a little prayer for a fool who keeps trying, or such, are all welcomed.

Felt that.

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Couldn't do much more after the last post.  One more different strategy against the tub blockage, several times.  Using baking soda and vinegar, then plunging or blocking it off.  Neither helped at all.  It really doesn't nake sense.  Air seems to be escaping while liquid doesn't were that shouldn't be the case.

I forgot about a better way to void the water... the shop wet and dry vac!  A plastic bag or two as a liner and that should do.  The bucket was good for most of it.  I really didn't want to sop the rest with a towel.  Hmm, though mopping wouldn't be bad either, so the floor could be cleaned while at it.  Though, for emptying the toilet to reseal, the wet vac would be perfect.

Today is for making calls.  Probably, if I can get a plumber in or scheduled, I'll need to buy a faucet.  If he can get to that and the sink that is.  I'll see what he recommends of course.  It would be good to have the tub, drip, faucet, and sink plumbing all done in one shot, if I'll be much lighter in the wallet.  Oh well.

The rest is sort of on standstill.  My schedule is still off.  I can't be sure how things will work.  I can be awake to let someone in to work, but that doesn't mean I can be dressed and out and at an appointment.  One is approaching I can't miss, but it is in alignment with the natural arc of life.  Next week, if days are established, perhaps... so much to schedule... confession since trying to make it at regular times has failed so catastrophically, a doctor appointment, a go with the masseuse, and... something else.  Ugh!  Oh, I may try to get in to the VA for dental and glasses.  If I think there is more.  I get tired just thinking about the list.

I was to bed at 19:30, awake by 4:30.  I like the bedtime, would like to wake at least an hour earlier.  Eight hours, if I haven't pushed too hard, if it isn't to hot or cold, if health is good, is optimal.  Yeah.  I am not prime, if I am not sure what the main problem is.  Might not be a single source.  Everything, many things, at a time or stacked.  Not dying, probably, just not doing well or able to quite catch a break.  It'll get better.

Later.

She was curious.

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A query, whether sigma males ever made what she called a mistake by getting involved with alpha dames.  Well?  My problem is probably more with terminology.  I don't believe dames can be alphas.  I do believe, perhaps, that some rare few may be nephilim.  Which, to her, might be semantics.  We'd have to agree to disagree, until I could educate her.

In that latter case, then yes.  Unlike sigma women (again, not sure I believe in that species of bird, or what such might be if she should exist, as with males or some, also another form of nephilim?) and their disinterest, incapacity to deal with alpha men, sigma males can quite enjoy 'alpha' females.  There will be... hmm... friction.  But, nothing I run from, if not what I seek every time.  Now, I suspect it is difficult for 'alpha' women.  They just don't... get it.  Sex is divine.  But all else for them is difficult.  They know we rule, but don't understand how.  It infuriates them how we... manipulate in shadows.  And how we do it, especially when it works.  They want a share of glory of which we want no part.

Wow, trouble with the tub.

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I have been ripping into the problem off and on all morning.  I tried several sessions of just plunging, just using a bowl over the overflow grate.  I gave up on that, pulled the grate for acces since the drain has crosssectional bars barring access that way.  No go, the snake simply can't cut that corner.  So... I put plastic over the grate, to make it watertight, then have been plunging since.  Two sessions so far.  No luck so far.  May have to just call in a plumber.  The next diy step would be to rent a motorized snake, which might require opening the pipe somewhere else, with rental being as much as a plumber, or more, on top of it.

If I do call I will see if he will do the kitchen faucet and sink plumbing plus dripping faucets while at it.  Yeah.  Which means buying a faucet while at it.  I'll get his advice on a faucet while at it.  Tired.  That isn't a lot of work, exasperated by bending or kneeling though, a lot.  Later.

Fading out and back.

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I stopped being able to do anything, even write, after the last post.  I was able to stay awake to 17:00.  Actually that is almost it.  19:00 to 20:00 is the real goal.  Eight hours down sees me awake for enough of the morning to do almost anything in the day, even with a nap if needed.  The way to make that work, or longer, is to taper work and caffeine... actually all fluids, and foods... four to five hours beforehand.  Easier said than remembered.

Trouble already.  The tub is backed up.  I plunged yesterday, last night, and this morning... the right way, making the overflow airtight.  Nothing doing.  The other sinks and toilet are draining well, thankfully... not backing up into anything, the tub to the sinks or toilet or the other ways.  I'm not sure how to get the plumber snake in, or what else to do.  At least, if I decide to bail, I can flush.  And the water is rather clean.  Ugh!

Today is the day I get back to at least ketosis.  As well as cutting all sweeteners, save for the tiny bit in fatbombs, and those only before and/or after my daily meal(s).  A slug of keto stuff to start out, as after looking some things up I'll be hitting the tub sooner than not.  That blocks everything else.

As mentioned, but for the log, down at 17:00, up at 3:00.  Later.

Sigma, game theory.

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Looking through youtube I saw a vid.  Caught my eye.  No, not a deep, true, believer.  And yet I have heard enough, to put some things together, including... should game be correct or reasonably in the goal zone... what I probably would be.  That is I am a sigma. Even so I doubted some woman would have a clue.  I thought she would be mocking or just so off I could chuckle.  Chicks.  *grins*

A stretch improved.

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Meds probably didn't fix anything.  Tea wouldn't help.  Setting dishes up, after doing work with kefir, wouldn't fix anything.  A glass of milk wouldn't work.  A fatbomb?  Actually, maybe.  If I am truly getting into ketosis, but my body hasn't learned to pluck fat off the bones, or wherever, than tossing easy fat might give it the fuel it feels to be dying to obtain?  I really think so.  Another, then the keto slurry, and perhaps something will be done?

Plans?  Initially none.  Now?  The dishes, kitchen flat surfaces and floor including the table, and the bathroom.  A shower in there, and if timely enough then on to the post.  Yeah, better.  With nothing started this may be a delusion.  Time will tell.  I'd sure like to get to it though, then a bit of shopping tomorrow?  Groceries, mostly?  I'd like to try that pizza, though with meat toppings.  Mushrooms are fine, just never enough alone.

Never did nap.

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Can't be sure, if I believe bedtime was close enough to 16:00 to just call it that.  Waking at 1:30 means extra sleep, and by health probably needed sleep.  Something is just off.  If I can get ketosis a bit deeper, then add intermittent fasting for three to five full days, I think that will help.  I have heard that, artificial or not, sweet flavors will bump ketosis.  I haven't seen that, if I have some worries about blood sugar and/or glucose.  Though just because blood sugar is up doesn't mean glucose is up, if currently only lab tests can show that... as far as standard labs can be trusted.

A bit rough this morning.  Don't want to be awake.  If too it feels as if I overslept.  Sort of between a rock and a hard place that way.  I'll do waking, then the keto juice, then figure things out from there.  I don't think I should consume the keto stuff until I am awake, can be on my feet, or it goes to waste, for parts of it's functions.

I recently heard clergy, usually rightfully, lamenting the laxity of the laity.  On hearing of one who said forty five minutes was needed to get going.  Suggested that if a gunman was at the door, if as a comparative jest, that action would be swifter.  Well, if older I can see extra time being needed.  If habituated, perhaps as well, if easier to change.  In my case, two hours is usually needed.  If a gunman was at the door, as a threat, I'd shoot him and call the police... in two hours!  Tired!

Backing down.

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I just can't do much.  Food and medicine, rest and drink if less, adding keto stuff, naps, adding fatbombs to help ensure enough fat, generally doing what is right.  Simply cannot keep my feet under me. I'll keep at it as possible.

A call to mom.  She isn't feeling good.  Tired, sore.  Her doc wants to check her heart, she doesn't think so.  I don't know, but I know my only real symptom is exhaustion and my only real issue at the start was a bad heart.  It's not what she wanted to hear.  Yes, I know why.  Short call.

A double nap.

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Right at four hours?  I think so.  I thought I woke at 10:00, if it doesn't seem I have been awake for an hour.  Could be though.  I didn't wake wide or quickly.  Still not all that awake if not able to sleep more.  Rot!  Oh, I am hoping to get some things done.  Do you know folk used to patronize hermits, still do.  Perhaps online?  :p

Dishes and surfaces in the kitchen.  Keeping the list small and doable.  If/as things are marked off a single replacement will be added.  A long list, today, is not going to help.  Might fall asleep rereading it.  And I won't be starting for another hour.  Or more.  Trash?  Not much to go out unless I start digging into storage.  Ugh, don't want to contemplate that now, but maybe.

Not much happening. A good time for a nap.

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Just can't focus, yet.  Don't want to burn the day, more of it, off uselessly.  Going down at 5:58.

Heavy lungs. And some get it wrong.

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Coughing water, if I think my plan is paying dividends.  Not literally coughing water, of course.  Well, externally.  There is a pool in the lower lungs though.  It might limit my work, the weight of the fluid and slight reduction in lung capacity sort of cause weariness.  Then again... time will tell.

Oh, mistakes?  I think some people really get things wrong.  Your choice.  Fear if you wish.  Only, if you have become less than nothing, have had many faces, and have seen through many eyes in time and places, the voice or presentation is correct or not based on truths independent of one's personal sense.  That in no way mitigates objective reality, mind you.  Two plus two only, always, and everywhere equals four and just that.

Worn.

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Waking at 22:30 after going to bed at 15:30?  Okay, not as bad as first thought.  And yet, given health, more sleep would have been good.

Weighing in, up significantly, I was initially upset.  Then I realized the problem.  While I have been fasting, I have been drinking a lot of fluid, more than the usual high side of three gallons and nearing four and more.  As well I am not peeing enough.  Why?  That is something I'll have to figure.  It started before beginning the keto slurry, so it's not that.  I am not seeing swelling in the legs or feet, if I have cause to believe the torso, definitely lungs, are wetter than they should be.  An extra water pill for a day or three... gotta watch that too.  Ugh.

On another note, cheking ketones yesterday, despite bad inputs as recently as Thursday, maybe Friday, the readings showed nearing forty.  The slurry seems to work.  I have a dose already going down.  It tastes like an oversweet (if artificially) lemonade, with very mild grit.  No artificial to the goop, so  it is easily tolerated.  The mix is taurine crystals, ketone crystals, and an electrolyte gunk of either lemon or cherry pomegranate flavor.  Yeah, fasting can run you right out of electrolytes, especially if drinking a lot (which usually induces more voiding).  Though the water pill and it's mechanics is probably the main culprit?  Yeah.  That all leads to a potassium loss.  So, beside adding lots of potassium I am adding either minerals as supplements or trying this drink additive.  The fuss to just do what I can!?!

Today?  If able: finish all dishes, check laundry, kitchen surfaces and floor as with bathroom... AND GLASS OUT OF TUB, then the nook... whatever I can do there.  No need to cook.  One portion of potk heated.  As well, when dishes are done, a pot of beans to go on.  Some for refried, some to experiment with a (lower carb) baked bean recipe.  Gotta have sides, if more severe limits to portions really has to be imposed.  Hmm, perhaps rice to?  Only a cup or even an half cup of that a day, max.  But you can really add fats through butter with rice.

Who knows though.  Without shoveling in the way, more may be done than that, by far. Or less.  I can never tell until it is done or I am.  Later.

No nap, bedtime?

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I believe so.  Could try more keto mix.  The truth is I am satisfied with what was done.  I am tired from the work done. And while I am not making progress digging further into the day, I will end up being awake fifteen hours, having cooked two roasts, created enough fatbombs to see me through a week or two, done the dishes at least once, started kefir on the raw milk, shoveled the drive and walk, and... yeah, there was a bit more.  So, I'm good with sleeping.

A funny thing?  There were shards of glass in the tub, shower floor.  I was... unwise in my exhaustion... I just kept washing.  I can't be sure why the bottoms of my feet weren't shredded.  Don't worry, I'll get that out before next time.  Weird but true.

Good afternoon and night.

Rather good.

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A call.  I suspected wrong.  Not my mother even if I called her recently and didn't get a response.  *cough*  The neighbor?  Ah a delivery!  What can I say, I like deliveries, some more than others.  In an hour I was told.  So?  Well...

I was at the last batch of fatbombs.  The one out of the freezer I wanted to work, the peanut butter blend could handle to cool.  Then?  Snow removal.  There was only four to six inches, covering only two thirds of the drive... so I grabbed the shovel.  Then salted.  I was just about to hop in the shower when they arrived.

All good.  A bit of talk, trying to not talk too much.   And yet it is good to converse regarding events and news.  I try to listen, more, now.  I can talk so fast.  All good in their camp, save one with... time and life changing events.  To be expected.  I think I surprised by shoveling.  By the way, I almost thought to pray that this storm be mild, then decided that wasn't best.  Not sure if it is over.

After, I poured the peanut butter chocolate mix into the molds, then put it up.  The other mixes separate, I'll have to work on that.  The last mix seems to stay mixed.  Either my ratios are off, people tolerate it for short-term use, or my ingredients are a sliver off.  These really are mostly starter foods, then rare treats.  Still, if possible, I will seek to improve, possibly perfect.  Then a shower.  Those are loverly things.

Next?  Possibly a nap after I dry and cool off a bit.  I lit the interal furnace today.  Then the pork roast and dishes.  And more.  Who knows, especially with that keto mix.  Keto is really coming together.  With holy fasting taking flank and massages in the rearview mirror, who knows.  Who ever knows?  Later.

One never knows.

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I must admit I didn't think, feel, as if anything I did would help.  The slurry has more than ketone crystals, another addition is taurine.  Anyway, the keto go stuffs were mixed inwith tea.  Pretty hard to gulp though not terrible of taste, just... different.  As I was sitting, surfing, doubting... somewhere in there... my feet found themselves, then put the hands where the will could deploy them, and...  The beef roast was readied.  I season then set for an hour... to both better tenderize and spice the meat, salt pepper and an italian blend.  The timer is set, first to sear then roast.

Not finished.  I then set up some of the dishes, more than half but not so many they would hold me up.  Then a short break.  Before I realized Iwas back on my feet tinkering with fat bombs.  All I have is the better coconut oil.  On the good side I love the taste of coconut, if not the harder fiber chunks (which aren't in the oil, just saying).  Oh my.  Really easy, and quite tasty!  Unfortunately I only have one pop mold, which, mostly, takes on batch per shot.  Next batch will be blended, then cooled, then blended again. No real complaints, just for appearances, though a bit for taste.

The timer already went of, so g the skillet is being warmed.  The dishes were hit once in there too.  Beef is now browned and roasting.  Who knew this stuff worked.  Don't want to use it every day.  Actually it is just starter, fast restart, stuff.  Other timer just sounded, fat bombs... might be ready or... another sampling either way!  I'll give it another twenty?  Meh, I'll leave it alone until after supper, have one or two for desert.

Even if that is all that is done, not bad.  I suspect dishes, several more batches of fat bombs, and the kitchen surfaces will be done.  Oh, and the bathroom plus a shower... already cleaned the bowl, if the lid can get another shot in the shower when I finish in there.  Nice, and keto and fasting friendly.  Amen?  You know?  I think so.  Again.  Amen!

Later.

Awake with hope.

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The hope is that of the hopeless.  There are saints for the impossible, and lost.  Not my soul, spirit, but ability to life seems hidden.  Still, plans.

The goals haven't changed.  I have, mostly, maintained what has been accomplished.  A few dishes and pot and pan need washed.  A few glasses, utensils, large and table, have to go in.  Honestly the rest is staying even.  Which means clearing and cleaning of surfaces, clearing the nook, hall, and laundry floors, cleaning the bathroom, a shower, and food.  Food needs to be worked first.  I realize I am fasting, even now, as much because I can't keep up on food as anything else.  I am using keto grains, once so far, in an attempt to source energy.

I'll hit the grains shortly in hopes of that allowing cooking.  After that I'll see what can happen.  I am hoping six to eight ounces of beef works from that point, and more keto grains if work continues and extra energy is needed.  I won't check bp until tomorrow or the next day, give the stuff a chance to work and besides checking daily is... obsessive.  Not absolutely sure anything will be done.  For cooking, food prep, two roasts and fat bombs are the wants.  Chocolate, peanut butter, and a mix.  I'm not so worried about carbs, at least not to that point.  Assuming I can get it done in the first place.

Awake at 12:30(ish).  Been waking for... an hour and an half already?  Bleh!  Later.

Ah, that time again.

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Little done.  Medicine was reset, plus adding supplements.  Hmm, other than eating, taking meds, feeding and watering the girls...  Oh, awake to the late hour.  That does take it out of me.  Hmm, right, will check the cat litter, feed them again, then off to bed.  I am guessing by 15:40?  Give or take ten.

Worried or hopeful?

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I never can tell, not always, fully, what is considered.  Though I suspect a notion down to a few probabilities.  In this case a fear or hope, dealing with reported bp.  High?  Oppresively.  It's only been this high for a week, maybe nearing two... by feel.  I have had it average 217/170 for six months.  No, one does not make the other good.  The worst merely adds perspective.  The song pulled from back?

Nap.

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Hoping to get a short sleep in so as to get a shower and business done, maybe more.  Going down at 4:55.

BP is whack. And a new day.

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Almost literally a new day, awake at 23:26, after ten minutes of contemplating going back to sleep, then realizing it wouldn't happen.

Yes, blood pressure is way out, 207-198/140-138, pulse at 91-78 (right-left arm).  They say that has no physical symptoms, I think that is only true of those they over (or wrongly, or both) medicate.  Then again, as to cause?  I am taking as much medicine as I dare take and hope to maintain.  Any more and I begin crashing off the stuff.  I have two potential aces.  I stopped taking a supplement which seemed to measurably help, to simplify starting meds wholesale.  I could try adding those back in... on this dose, with those, was keeping it around 150-140/100-90.  Not perfect but much better.  The other thing?  Massages.  Those, after a summer, had my bp into 120/90.  Not sure how quickly it improved but believe it was rather quickly...  If I can set, then make, appointments.  Ugh!

Will look on the net tonight, call tomorrow.  Looking for a place which offers that and medical pedicures, at least to teach better foot care.  I... am not doing something right.  Luxuries?  Taking care of the body is not luxury.  Pills can't seem to do the trick without 24/7 care, if I doubt then.  At the point medicine would control bp and pulse it would at least create medicinal catatonia, maybe death.  I wonder if that was their real goal.  Wonder?  And the feet?  I have to get ahead of that before getting in trouble with that again.  Ugh.

Not great news but I have a plan and some of the assets.  I can start supplements immediately and begin checking into the rest.  And tending my soul, arranging a confession and the blessing of sacramentals.  I have been waiting for regularity, certainty, in my schedule.  That may not arrive so I may just have to arrange things on as short a timeline as possible based on what is probable in hope with faith.

On another subject, the kefir is impressive!  The new stuff.  The instructions suggested the grains would not start growing, expanding, for six to eight milk changes.  Not so, in the good way.  After just four changes I am almos at the point of setting whole batches aside before then having to eat or toss the excess excess.  There are limits to how much can be stored or used, or even eaten.  I wonder if chickens would eat this, cats?  I have nearly a gallon second souring, just to see how well that works.  A newish experimental process.

Later.

Not bad.

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Had to go slow to last.  I haven't seen 15:00 in quite some time, naturally.  The struggle to regain days is far from a fait accompli.  This is just a step in the right direction.  A few more steps before yanking back on the reins.  Better, I don't believe I damaged myself in the effort.

Lead?

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The stuff you don't want in your food, water, or environment.  Beside making you batty, insane if chemically induced not natural, before it does any such thing it causes one to weaken physically.  How I came about that information was... I was doing a bit of touchup regarding a childhood hobby, the fan-boy hero worship of the early explorers, whom I cheered win, lose, or draw.

This particular venture I studied ended in a total loss.  And while it is easy to suggest bad decisions, politics, and false elitist ideals were to fault, it was the same issue whether adventures succeeded or not.  The real problem was their then global warming which caused those waters to freeze over several years in a row.  Do not even take that as anything but a chuckle at modernist tomfoolery by the way.

While there were a number of problems which didn't help, including lead sealed cans, which adds sweetness, and causes exhaustion, the real problem, only one due to it stopping movement until they were far too low on food and wearied from lead, to escape.  Anyway...

What all that resulted in was a consideration.  Could lead be a problem here.  Thus digging.  The EPA, if it's politicized bureaucracy can be trusted *Flint, Michigan* one way or the other, suggests 15 ppm is their standard... though for disolved, particulate, or both I doubt if even they know or have someone in contact with the public who could tell.  Why do they have even those that remain?  Literally what good are they?  Anyway...  If the plumbing is pre-1986, which this may or may not be, lead may be used in the city water connect, pipes, and copper solder.  Okay.

Now, so, how does one test?  More looking.  There are several types of tests.  The first is purchased, tubes are filled and mailed in, and in a week one is supposed to be able to check online.  You are supposed to sign in first, to facilitate access asap.  The problem is signing up doesn't work.  Veracity of tests, access to results, everything about that was dubious.  The other type was water strips.  The problem with those?  Only tests dissolved lead.  So, how do you know?  An expert informed that... you can't know, especially with lead piping or solder or old city connect, as that can add particles at any time.

I checked whether reverse osmosis works on lead.  It does, so long as the bladder remains intact.  How do you know that?  Measure particulate in the r.o. water, then tap.  Done recently but something to keep a closer eye on.  Paranoid?  As tired as I am, no.  Bad heart and all, but this has been unusually bad, more so given my exemplary attention to the details of food, medicine, sleep, hygiene of person animals and environment (given the givens, if not bad even so).  If I am getting lead...  Though I will be removing the one possible source, mostly, shortly.

Down for a nap.

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One project started, filling in a form for autopay on mortgage.  As it is set, assuming all is correct, they file it right, and else, I should be on autopay in two months.  Further, just from the extra, the place should be paid in fifteen years.  Assuming, what, that only a third of full mortgage goes against the place, toward the beginning, I can hope for a ten year payoff... or less, especially if I watch my pennies *cough* and add more at the end of the month.  *le sighe*  I am horrible with money.  Still, it will happen from time to time.

Then saving to get a few things I can't do done, the tools to do the things I can, and parts pieces lumber, etc.  Well, and a little more money for else.  This spring, a new furnace and ac with humidifier, this fall a new fridge and dishwasher as well as perhaps a small secondary reefer for the porch, for specialt items, then, maybe the second spring or fall out a natural gas generater and eleletrical work (if electrical isn't done this year).  Yea?  *crinkles nose*  Sure sounds like money, which means tightening most other belts.

All good in theory.  :p  Later.  Hopefully just a nap.  And thoughts of the better side of things followed by a hard truth.

Small post.

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Awake at 22:15 or so.  Slept well.  Not sure much will be done.  As to fasting, that isn't the current problem.  I have broken fasting with extra meals lately.  That isn't the problem, and shouldn't be a problem anyway.  Just not doing well in spite of being on medicine, sleeping as able, staying well hydrated, and eating even closer to feasting the last three days?  I'll keep making efforts to regain a real schedule, then adjusting that to days while doing what work in the cave is possible.

Later.

Almost folded.

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All plans were falling by the side, one and next.  I began exploding into tunnel-vision.  I was able, if it took faith and dregs of dregs of vapers and something else?  A helping hand.  The post.  I pushed that, not much choice.  Was going to bring the trash bin in, stumbled in, can't focus.  Would like to call my priest, can't keep a sure schedule and more, can't talk at volume.  Had some other calls, appointments, not yet.

Crashing so hard and fast.  Got some things done.  Had to break some hard rules, for whatever that means in the ether where I find, or lose, myself.  Good night.  Right, to bed at 12:47.

There are tricks and there are not.

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Is this not so?

Up. Better again.

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It doesn't take much of a grind to dull my blade, expend all energy, invoke a cloak of fog.  If given some time off for good behavior allows for a quicker recharge.  Though realizing a few things, tending those, helps.  I could not find a comfortable position with regard to pillows.  I finally remembered that when that happens, it's not the pillows but the neck.  Aspirin is the only thing that might fix it.  It did, if taken nearly at waking.  Still, I was able to rest comfortably for the last half hour, so as to reset bones and muscles away from the malformations pain had begun to form them.

Awake at 19:30 or so.

I have found that a set of Hail Mary's is quite efficacious for some things.  Of course a flustered temptation won't always simply wander off, whimpering back to it's dark source without a fight.  Maybe initially, not after being denied too long.  That darkness then seeks to defile the source of resistance.  Keep pushing through, then invoke others.  Some I have known, some I am beginning to investigate more fully... the saints, and a source I am struggling to grasp almost as much as with Mary in the beginning... my guardian angel.  The latter, it seems, is not to be named, just accepted?  As a prayer multiplier, conduit, and with certain talents to enhance holy discernment or direction?  I don't have that down fully, but did use as an ace up my sleeve in the push-back event to good use.  Worked surprisingly well.  Go get em'!  And he did.

Now, to see about today.  I am chalking nothing, save the post office, in.  Though, with the need of a shower, dishes are in the way.  Anything else will... happen or not, as I may.  Just because pain has been hidden doesn't mean the causes aren't still there.  The pain is actually still there.  Live with pain long enough and you learn some bitter truths.  Where you go from there will lead you humbly home or into the hells, starting with denial of that reality then on to denying anything else required to maintain that initial denial.  That rabbit hole is deep.  Don't... deny pain or that reality.  It will eat you.  Know it, treat it reasonably, but don't then double efforts over the pain sensation modifier.  Amen.

Can't go today.

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Just can't.  Tomorrow pretty much for sure.  At 9:17 good night.

Woke? Really? Want to actually wake?

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Yeah.  Oh, I took some hits.  Some I do accept, one... I have doubts regarding.  Harsh, in many ways.  If you aren't Catholic this just... it would be far too harsh.  However, if you wish to know what traditionalist consider, the orthodox, and can keep your feelings in check?  Here you go.  If you are a marginal Catholic, I hope you give it a shot.  If you are strong, this will still sting.  Amen.

Oops.  Almost posted directly.  I hadn't seen this end request before, will have to review.  I do my best no to step on toes.  The request is to send people through a link, to the youtube site?  Very well, Our Times Part 1: Our Lady's View of Our Times - Fr. Ripperger.  It is a workout.  Good luck.

I woke at 4:41 by the way.  The video isn't that long, if not short.  I just took breaks and else.  Later.

A nap.

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Short or longer, for some.  Down at 3:01.

Almost on my feet.

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Technically awake at 20:30.  Tried to bull on back to sleep after waking at 20:00.

I don't know about you, but when my body wakes, good, bad, or ugly, then I am up.  Today I woke between ugly and bad, if I think it will pass quickly enough.  Thing is I didn't want to deal with that spit of time.  It seems I only made it worse.  Some days it is better to take your licks, if not always?  And you can never know which is which.

Dreams, of teaching and being taught.  Of being the humble only to stumble on pride in even this.  The world is full of physical, psychic, and spiritual nettles and thorns.  Can't know them all, must be stung by some before understanding sets in, sometimes often.  Sometimes, for the greater good, some barbs need be simply endured, as Christ taught quite by example.  Many such dreams, though of no previous examples I recall.  The two virtues being prayed to obtain are charity and humility, one from each set... might be the fountain from which the dreams flow.

Hmm?  Today, or what passes for my day?  Well... the completion of what was planned recently.  The completion of the kitchen, the bathroom, the last of the dishes, another load of laundry, and if there is time and energy on to the front room.  I am not as worried about everything, or immediately.  Some days I am slower, some jobs take longer by far than anticipated even working at a solid pace, as well some even larger tasks crop up which weren't anticipated.  Still, that is the goal for the week.  As well as the laundry area and rear hallway.  Cake is the reward if all that is done by next Friday.  Yeah, still fasting, if I am eating earlier in order to kick off work, and will begin using ketone crystals today, later on, as with electrlyte powder, if I break a sweat which I usually do, several times a day with housecleaning.  The bed and morning prayers have been done.  Didn't feel like it, which... is becoming the signal to do things around here.

First, waking.  And crisping chicken in the broiler for the first meal, with beef as lunch and final meal at 1:00 or so.  Yeah.  I hope thos crystals help, if I don't think twice, even once, a day every day is right.  Just starter and special day stuff, after I kick into ketosis rightly.  Though the need should slacken.  Currently at 15 ketones, or the measure of it, considered light.  Not bad given my recent carb dive.

A quickie.

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The other day I presented music, if with mild treatment.  I wish to fix that.

I suggested that this fits on this blog.  However I did not present the notion fully.  At the time of my fall I did consider it unfair.  I lamented grandly, even attempting to dispose of my very life, if physical pain beyond your ken played a part.  Possibly part of why I may have found myself where I did.  As well, there was some wish of this on others, who cared little while enjoying their lives, in a vengeful way.

Food.

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Had to set things aside in order to cook.  I did get most of the way through dishes and laundry.  I was truly hungry.  Beef and chicken.  Pork is also thawed, I just don't have time to cook that.  I'll do that when I wake next.  I will finish laundry, not dishes.  Ugh.  I'll probably be to bed by 10:00.  Same as yesterday.  Perhaps I'll try to push to 11:00.  Blah. Yeah, probably necessary to do laundry and put food up.  Good morning, day, and night.

A short.

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Mostly.  Awake at 3:03.  As if hit by a truck.  No pain, just... as if I was well and truly run over, or otherwise well and truly clobbered.  A bit longer of a nap if I am surprised the sleep didn't end up a full sleep.

The other thing was from yesterday, dreams.  I dreamed of being on the front lines when one side or the other was charging.  A snippet of every war the US has engaged back to the civil war.  War is far too often run by bloody minded idiots, on every side.  I suspect it has always been so.  Be glad if you ever had good leadership to the right levels, and civilian leadership that doesn't try to play tin hat generals (which usually means not a Democrat).  Horrid dreams, like the visitation of Christmas past, was it, only so many more visits.  Each was it's own dream.  Wasn't sure I wanted to share, but couldn't see why not after all.

Later.

Brutal.

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Not pain, just the amount of effort it seems to take to do so little work.  Sticking with it as is possible.  I went through the kefir.  Not a grain to be found.  I, probably wrongly, dumped it all, starting over with the new stuff.  Sometimes, the instructions with the new stuff indicates, if the curds and whey separate, grains won't be visible.  Then just mix, use some of the mix with fresh milk, then watch more carefully.  The thing is I never saw grains with that stuff.  I have two pint jars at it, using the new grains.  What a waste of time, that other stuff!

Another load of laundry through, then one more.  The last of the dishes, mostly kefir jars, and just a few dirty and new items.  Always more if so close to being caught up.  Trash went out, recycling went if just to the bin.  None of the neighbors have theirs out, so I don't know if it is both or just trash day.  Fried, for the moment.  Nap time I suppose.

Down at 0:29.  Later.

A reasonable sleep.

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I would rather return to eight hour sleeps.  Six hours, as to function after, was better until my health couldn't bear the brunt.  Winter seems to demand, usually, a few more hours, to ten or twelve, when as always sleep is possible to regulate.  Still ten hours beats three to five down with three to ten up.  Every day can be as three, with each dragging on for little eternities on top of that.  Just a taste.

Awake at 20:00.

Not all bad.  There are advantages to such a way.  If you ever find yourself in little forevers figure how to capitalize.  Trust me, of mind and soul you can advance at least what you lose of flesh, heart?  Sad the fools who waste it all in the simple.  Further, they will, can, never be true.  Pure indoctrination, in any direction, isn't a path to truth.  There had best be more than mind or memory.  Whole mind, HEART, and SOUL, or it's not enough.

Today?  Trash has to go.  Out and to the curb.  I'd like to hit the toilet and floor in there.  Then any last bits in the kitchen, plus extra... to make the kitchen a good spot better than before.  Clearing the tabletop and opening more of the back nook.  After that, if there is more energy for work, then three things in the front room... boxes from there upstairs, the computer desk together (new one), and perhaps the lovseat cleaned and put out there.  Perhaps a nap some time around what could become the halfway mark.

Nice surprises.

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I was almost certain, after setting dishes for a soak then putting laundry into the dryer, that it was finished.  That was depressing.  Not just because I wrote the goals, but because I really wanted to do them, and thought I could.  Something seemed to pull me along.  I let it, followed.  First the dishes were washed, then set to a rinse.  A minor rest was had, then right back to them.  After those, on to the laundry.  Two towels and a t-shirt needed more time, the rest was ready and is folded and stored.  I'll probably finish the rest in a few minutes.  Especially since I realized it is Sunday not Monday... which would have meant trash needed to go out immediately.  I was sure the atomic clock indicated it was Monday.  All good.  I'll have that out tonight, just a few bags but they need to go.

Next work session, if it stays solid, will be finishing the kitchen up to the last best and change... a bit more... trash, and hopefully on to the front room.  I may feel like I am breathing through lungs with a few too many holes, running on a heart that has no thump, in a world that is only partly real, but I'll do it.  It is what is left to me.  And it doesn't hurt all of the time.

Right.  Calling it bedtime at 10:14.  I am focusing on being to the post this Tuesday as my next time-stamp event.  The reason I haven't set up any appointments I suggested is because my schedule is raw chaos. Until it becomes regular in some meaningful way I just can't risk the trouble.  Prayer on regaining a reasonable schedule would always be welcome.  Hey, I never ask for a dime, don't even advertise.  I'm not even pushy, just a thought.

Good morning, day, and night.

Some of it.

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Laundry wasn't what I thought.  I always forget that making the bed is part of it.  Not always a major thing.  When crawling, or attempting it, out of the crypt, everything is a lot of work.  Late to start but all is good.  All laundry went back with the bedding.  A shower shortly thereafter, with those clothes going back as well.  Now just a bit of a rest.

More was done though.  I have changed two of the three litter boxes.  The girls seem happier if done in parts.  So be it.  The last one will be reset after setting up the dishes.  As well I set up the nesting bowls and strainer for working with the kefir... to extract the grains.  Tonight, today?  Maybe.  Having it set up means imminent.  Dishes will be set to a soak when water is heated and I am rested.  Then a short rest and water recharge (needed? maybe in this cold) and laundry will be started.  Just one load tonight but all the way through to folding or hanging and putting away.  The laundry may or may not get done.  Oh, and trash needs to go out.  Bleh.

Better? Oh, one may hope.

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The senses can, do, betray.  I seem to be doing better.  The pains through and after sleep have dissipated, mostly.  If, true, the body isn't being tested.  Even so there is a sense of haleness, restored vigor, clarity of mind, and the comforts of virtues.  Sleeping a full session for the first time in a while, from well before logging.  That helped but is not all, probably not most, of it.

While feeling better is good it isn't all, or the majority, proof.  Actions, functions, works, these are the real trial.  Not sure I am ready for that and yet it is scheduled.  Though my time draws short, a shower and trim or shave, a load of laundry including bedding change through, and at least a start on dishes.  I won't worry about kitchen catch up until the next work time unless... maybe... just won't push it.  Actually my time shouldn't be growing short, save that life is off?  Yeah.

I have been tumbling so desperately through time sleep pain and else...  Still, amazed to have made the schedule item then appointment.  Trapeze bars from the dark, with jarringly few moments to catch let alone see, while falling and spinning on all axis, to catch not one but two bars.  Then I had to let go.  Still out of control, if, perhaps, finding or found some footing?  No, you don't understand.  I'll know more after what of work occurs, much more after the next sleep.

Awake.

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Not the best sleep.  If the sun wasn't out it sure seemed bright. Not that it seemed to wake me, just a sense I got while waking.  As well it seemed rather warm.  Even with the fan on.  I bet it was in the mid 50's.  Part of why I disfavor sleeping during the day, often.  Woke in the late 16:00's but tried to sleep more, finally seeing no point to the attempt so crawling out at the mid 17:00's.  Just time stamping sleep and waking to get some grasp of what is happening.  It's rather out of control at the moment.  Crawled back in the coffin... fell more like it.  Now to figure my way back out.

Started having erotic dreams.  Said a few "Hail Mary" prayers, though whether in the dream or partly awake I can't say.  Took care of the problem.  Very odd though.  Didn't know such could be done in such a diminished state of consciousness.  Who knew.

Later.

Back to bed.

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Should have gone to bed earlier.  Could have probably.  Just got tangled in a few things.  Now, at 6:21, it will do.  Good night, morning, and day.

Double log post.

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Down like a rock in the deep blue at 22:30.  I was carefull to study the time.  Knew I wouldn't remember the exact time, can't remember if it was before or after.  I was falling so hard I was just hoping this small data would be stored.  Tunnel vision, narrowing at a seeming exponential rate until it slammed shut so hard and fast I woke with a minor headache.

Up with a start, if not of the doings of my body or mind.  MOO!  What in the heck?  A dream.  MOO!  Wow, that... sure sounded close.  No trouble save we have a fast road out front.  Almost, or things were shaping up for, a bad accident at one time.  Anyway, I was just about to call the other neighbor.  Did not want to go out.  Then thought better of it, so went cattle hunting.

Loud as it was, it surely was right outside, sounding to be feet, not yards, away.  After short walks from my porch in all directions possible, I finally had to go further, then much further. Cattle can move a good clip, and it was just sounding off every ten minutes.  Further and further, until it bawled again.  While outside I could track the sound back.  No, not close, back over off toward pens, I believe.  It is just such a clear night?  Sound enhancing air qualifies?  Good thing I didn't wake other neighbor.

Now to see about going back to sleep.  Cattle calls aren't so much a problem if I don't think they are in the road.  Probably.  I'll post if I can before crashing.  I do wonder if anyone else woke with that concern.  While that'll get things pumping, stepping out to potentially face off with a, or several, unknown bovine(s), armed only with a flashlight and spit, which I was running out of, that got me a juice sandwich.  Though the thought of fresh meat should things go wrong was comforting.  Not sure if that means I am an optimist, a beastly sort, or... just a bit too hungry.  Later.

Just thinking out loud.

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Yes, they cross my mind from time to time.

Fast note.

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Up!  Actually about an half hour ago.  Took a shower immediately.  Remember that saying, about it being easier to beg forgiveness than ask permission?  Yeah, true even of God?  Yep.  Why ask when you know the answer won't be what you wish?  Ah, that.  Simple, stuck right dab between temptation and a powerful want to do His will.  Needed a divine veto.  Worked out better than anticipated.

Awake at 15:15 give or take ten?  As close as I can guess.  Weighed in at 263.  Expected gains, if more.  Bad eats and crippling exhaustion make for weight gain, if I can't figure out how so little was added.  That is like missing a water pill or three several... wait, actually I have.  So, no actual weight gain.  I'll get right back on meds.  Ugh.

Later.

A note for the log.

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I can't be sure sleep is possible.  It would be good.  I feel both need and want.  A bit before 7:00, so awake for about six hours.  Giving it a try if there are doubts.  Later.

Prayer and other thoughts.

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As prayer life increases thoughts regarding prayer grow.  Subjects, to include literally how and what to pray, why to pray, whom and through whom to pray, and what prayers to pray or how to better formulate prayers... almost overwhelming considerations... all join to begin a learning process.

I tell you truly there are well raised young ones who do better, if all incentives hold.  Instinct from habit, nonjudgmental acceptance, a type of innocence, a state of humility due to their current stage in life, and other things develop a superior ability.  I can't even recall all of the stages for a full prayer.  Humility in acknowledging the presence and greatness of God, a contrite gratitude for the forgiveness offered by God, simple yet profound gratitude to God for life creation and all, and a purpose for or with the prayer? Well, I prefer to include these things for each of the Trinity.  Still not sure I have that right.  More or less time for any area, time allowing.  Though not always is a full prayer the way.  A simple blessing, or prayer of concern, requested or not, and simple prayers for travel or this or that.

Now I learn there are as many as nine stages of prayer?  Well... what.  Oh, and I am only on stage one, maybe two or touching into three but not well?  If it weren't for some notions, including that the information comes from digging toward the goal, the ego could take a serious dent.  Still does, just not a sting which paralizes.  Oh, but it does lead me to mystics.  *le sighe*

The last part of praying to discuss is a major aspect I have been missing, requests, for self.  Hmm, pray for yourself, I used to question?  What do you need, if health and one other grant, are not happening?  Yes, simplistic, too simplistic.  What indeed!  Humility, to top the list though with patience prudence and others piling up, and with even wiser calls for faith hope and charity needed more seriously and soon.  It isn't that the prayers need to be either or.  I mean, I can pray for the health of one or many, the right intentions of the church, for the health wisdom and graces of priests nuns and the others, AND for strength in my weaknesses.

Yeah, so many prayers not being fully utilized.  Still, better to start now.  What good are prayers?  I can't say that I have seen a miracle from such.  I simply believe this to be true.    I don't count my life, for various reasons, including, if wrongly, I didn't pray to keep it, quite the contrary.  Although, one could say God acted, on my better behalf, through prayers?  I could easily abide that.  Miraculous if in an extremely convoluted way.  If it, I suspect, is the way of God's will very often.  His will, not ours.  Even should we pray contrary to His will, by praying to God we open ourselves, subject ourselves, to His will?  Yeah, I think so.

I think this will help.

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Logging my waking and sleep times, that is.  I may not be able to do much, though less without information.  About four hours down, waking fully at 1:15.  I nearly woke an hour ago.  Was able to park it for an extra hour.  The second waking was non-negotiable.  Just a sleep log.

Back to bed.

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Hours of mostly nothing. Blog to news to music sites, a show in bits and parts, dinner.  Nothing else.  Too tired.  On back to bed.  Just posting to note the time, 21:21.  Good night.

Okay. Note to self.

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Skipping through hours and days wrecks schedules for a while.  Actually thing are so messed up currently that no grasp or hold on uniformity by which a grasp could be ascertained exists or even could.  Hmm?  I mean, my sleep is happening in two to five hour batches.  I can't seem to track waking hours as I crash well before being able to actually sleep.  I am tumbling through time and days as an aerial acrobat who lost the bar.  I'll... have to hit, figure things out from there.  No idea when I will hit.  Have one more hoop shortly then one in a few weeks.

The note to self is, for the future, if again, this way doesn't work well.  It doesn't help regain a day schedule.  And it's a messy way to hit appointments.  However, if all else fails... as it had... it does develop an opportunity for the seemingly impossible if for a hefty fee.  Literal psychic confusion, nausea, exhaustion or enhanced exhaustion, and a complete loss of connection with time and place.

Still amazed it worked.  Was sort of working it anyway, just to obtain packages.  Adding on, this time, further for another objective, really titrated the price, by the minute. Had to be done.  Am still amazed.

I thought it was 11:00 when I woke.  Not so much, was 14:30, give or take a few.  Must have examined the clock earlier, while rolling back to sleep.  Sleep is rather good.  Not great, but not that horrible sleep which offers no rest, akin to attempting to slake thirst by drinking sand.  No, not bad.  More sleep and deeper, unbroken, sleep would be helpful.  If not, I'll get back to it as is, just at a slower pace.  Even it deteriorates, I can do that too.  Living this close to death has taught a patience, in some areas, which few can know.  Later.

Up a couple hours.

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Went to sleep in the neighborhood of 17:00, maybe plus an half.  Down hard, fast, waking every two hours for bio.  No clue why, didn't make sense with the inputs involved.  Then woke after five hours down and two wakes.  Beer.  Told the psychopathogen I only consume a snifter of bourbon, scotch, or whisky three times a month, max... now that heart medicine is actually helping, save on a blue moon or every third, when a triple shot of the stuff seems required.

True.  Haven't had a beer in... a year, two?  Carbs.  However, in my current state of broken ketosis, while shopping, and after the psychopathogen, beer sounded good.  Well, and thirsty as a dog.  No fluid with, need to remember to have a jug of tea ready to go.  I mean, at the store, I grabbed beer. Not the three cases I used to nab, just a twelve pack.  Two before sleep, four after.  Maybe back to bed soon, if beer has nothing to do with it.  Not sure I like beer, or more than two at a time.  Still, good to know.  A bite to eat while deciding if it is realy bedtime.

Zapped but good.

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Got everything hoped done, plus interest.  Later to the post than hoped, but well within the lines.  Other than being a bit off the rez from being so tired.  Naps and other manipulations allowed me to be up and out in spite of seeing my shadow, if my body and mind weren't the happiest about it.  Then on to the doc.  No time for the side trips and good thing, as it wasn't where I thought.  Sure I wrote the address, then promptly lost the note.  Always tired, add sleep contortions and it goes downhill quickly.

I tried to get instructions, did take the address, had little hope, on the phone (glad I decided to take the phone this time).  Pulled right in, if only intending to turn around and call again.  Nope, I was there.  The appointment was a lot less stressful than I had anticipated.  I followed along, then offered a shortcut, if he was interested.  I laid it out as well as I knew how, being as honest as my understandings.  Went fairly well.  I think.

Then the drill was returned , a few groceries were bought, and a meal was had.  Man am I tired.  Just a bit of time to climb down off the walls then off to bed.  Wow am I tired.  Good night.

Do you ever realize the fix is in?

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It doesn't matter which area, sometimes everything boils down to something(s), wanted or not.  In this case decidedly not.  A couple of particular saints keep populating areas of spiritual concern which...  I don't wish to entertain yet know I must.  Annoying in more ways than I can help you understand.  Trapped by my own incessant digging, accelerating greatly of late.

I'll not dispense with their names, merely suggesting they are mystics.  Already questioned in some ways, that is a bit frustrating. Of course, there are simple explanations, as well as the obviously not so simple basis.  Who would ever want to walk the way of mysticism?  It is the way of ridicule, which offers humility.  See, one of the mundane reasons, if tracked back from that other dark edge.  Mystics simply... have dubious reputations, even after bonafied.

Ah, but... in dealing with an order mistake, a few more inexpensive books.  Each covering three concepts my study has called for more understanding.  Not what I always might want, more areas of need, some might suggest desperate need... humility as a prime example.  Now, I do not abide total self debasement.  Fuller understanding before God?  Absolutely.  But suggesting I am nothing before Him is telling Him He does lousy work, for one of many problems.  I... don't always think all teachers get it right.  Pay attention but don't blindly jump off a cliff just because some says God wants you to jump.  He doesn't.  I think some miss the point of some alternate, indirect, forms of instruction and are then never directly corrected.  Psychology and philosophy seem to make up far too much of some education, and not the better forms of such.

A nap with a call to wake and inform.

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The appointment is the first of two.  Neither will be on my tab.  I would skip this one if possible. It is a bogus one with the fake medical branch. To suggest it will be frosty would be generous.  The evil those people commit for their silver even Christ laments.  Zero ability between one and the next to diagnose, no ability to treat, not a science which also means it isn't a medicine.  On the good side that gives me two weeks to get back on my fast... I've... gone a bit rogue, eating, if more drinking, the wrong things.  Soda, went with the pizza, neither of which... never mind.  I'll call it a foolish choice, finish, write it off, and not repeat or in this volume.  *urpp*  Ugh.

The alarm, from my second nap was two minutes from going off, so all good.  Now to shower then get to the post.  At tip of the top, I have two hours and twelve minutes.  I have no intention of taking that much time, perhaps an hour to be ready and out the door?  That is the plan.

Sure glad I was given the heads up that it was just a quack I was being forced to see today.  Would not have been a happy surprise for either of us.  Evil son of a...  When I was ever evil I didn't lie about it.  Didn't need to, sad to be a slithering, as required by weakness I guess.

Just a bit of time to wake.  Looks like it will work out.  Later.

A perfect nap.

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I was quite late in getting to it.  Not so much just an inability to sleep, but with the hope of a notion.  The hope that if I held out for an extra long time perhaps sleep would be extra long, at least compared to a nap, though maybe longer as a full sleep or longer yet.  No such luck.  However, when rest is so good, no pain before, during, or after, and a sense of being rested from said, despite not getting even the least of my extra wishes, I cannot be dissatisfied.  Perhaps another nap after some work?  Perhaps.

Other than the minor efforts, I need to get to the post plus make the appointment.  That is going to be tricky, but not impossible, more possible with a nap or two if  those are possible.  Ugh.  An early trip to the post would really help the odds... probably.  I cannot always know.  I'll pray and hope while acting honestly as I may.

Always more, and surprises.

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The surprise.  A text message.  An appointment at my usual doctor's clinic but not with him?  Hmm.  Not happy, still I keep my cool, call in.  Social Security arranged it, if from what I have seen didn't inform me.  I could have missed something though.  Don't know if I have to pay yet.  Called the contact on the ssa side, to no success, left a message.

Then on to bill paying.  The first one, I thought $75 and this month was due.  Instead I was informed I have a $6 and change credit?  Okay.  Finally mortgage was paid.  I will check on that as I paid last month, with money in the bank, but it didn't go through.  In one sense it doesn't matter, in another sense it really does.  From now on I have to check until it goes through or it becomes obvious it won't, then handle it.

After several broken operations with various companies I am beginning to realize they break things, to force unneeded contacts, so they can sell my contact information to the bogus callers... the ones offering 'vacation packages', 'debt payments', and other junk.  Any contact gives them the ability to sell your data for three to six months.  Make that illegal, with $10k per contact, for the info seller and buyer, plus up to 5 years in prison, sequential, per contact.  A few hits would end it.  Laws are stupid.  But having no laws is worse.  If you have laws, but can't or won't enforce them, get rid of them.

Finally, just in time, I called my mom.  It sounds like she is doing better.  Perhaps a bit lonely.  Or maybe just tired.  Being a widow is a tough gig.  He little dog helps, but life is difficult alone, far more for dames, just is.  I'll keep her in more of my prayers.  Not much else I can do.

Work?  I'll get to it.  I am almost sure I will get caught up, if maybe a nap first.  Just that mix of calls wore me out.  Later.

Just waking.

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While sleep seemed pleasant, waking at this time isn't.  I can't be sure when I finally went to bed if I suspect it was much after my last post?  Further, I thought it would be a nap, perhaps a long nap.  As it happens it ended as not just a sleep but an extended one!  How am I supposed to schedule something when nothing works as it should?  There is some hope that if everything keeps working as it isn't planned, and against my will, intent, it will work out.  Yeah.  While seemingly extremely unlikely you would be amazed how often that truly works out.  Exactly so.

Today?  Waking.  Shower and shave.  Bills.  Then setting up dishes and pushing them through plus wiping surfaces in the kitchen while finally completely clearing the table top and doing a bit more in the kitchen nook.  While I don't think I can do  a great deal, if I can fully catch up AND do a bit more, without adding to the mess, then I will be clear and more.  Further, the rest of the work this week, little or much, is all on the plus side.  Sometimes that adds incentives to the efforts.

Oh, part of the problem?  Relative heat, it is or was raining all night!  Raining in January? It's a terrifying prospect hereabouts, should it snap freeze I could only imagine the ice problem.  Raining?  All night?  But that also means it is or was well above freezing, which does throw my ability to sleep off.  I really need a freezer compartment add-on, to sleep within.  Hmm, I wonder how much?  Seriously.  Could use it for other things, as well, you know.

Later.

Crash landing.

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A crash of the best sort.  After that final bit of laundry, and collecting every dirty dish and else onto one counter, ready to be soaked for the first wash after my shower after I finish waking, if with eyes dried as if I had been tearing sand, sleep happened so fast and hard it was as if a switch was flicked and the universe landed on me.  *click*  Absolutely beautiful, as sleep should be.  If I could force that much work out of myself to such ends... hmm... then again, even often when nothing is done, I have done that, often.  Sometimes just being alive is that much work, netting similar results.

And sleep was as deep as it was instant.  When the lights went out they stayed out.  That black box of dark gooey wonderful nothing was fantastic if a bit short.  Didn't wake rough for it though.  No pain or fog, if... I may go back to sleep shortly.  May have been the 60/40/20 volt 3/6/9 ah flex batteries delivery which woke me?  Possible, even if an hour or two later... if my mind hears something, but can't immediately wake me?  It creates a message on a feedback loop.  While nothing was due today, when I woke I knew to check.  Those batteries will keep the table saw, recip saw, and drills in their most stressing tasks at full propably to overheating before running out of power.  Adds a ton of weight, but well wort it.  The 20v(18, actually) 3ah batteries which came with the kit will do most jobs.  I may even purchase 1.5ah batteries so everything, if needed, could be powered at once.  Not for six months or more, need to recharge finances, toolwise to be sure!  Ugh.

Anyway, yeah, maybe back to bed.  Sleep was rather short.  While I seem quite able to push into new hours while trying to push my schedule into daytime, pushing my wake time is a serious limit, has some sort of serious cap as to how much it can be adjusted, and how quickly.  Usually I can't go back to sleep.  This may be a bonus for pushing to sand tears yesterday... if it works.  Hmm?  Well, good night, again, I hope.

Awake until my eyes burn.

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But not without purpose on top of reason.  The dishes are finally done!  Ugh but I hate washing dirty dishes just shy of the objects of art themselves.  As well, I do believe laundry, which has all been dried, will be folded or hung, with the small start to the next load(s) going back.  The nice thing about changing bed linens as regularly as possible is that it reminds to do else laundry.  Heck, I haven't run out of... any clothes since I started this new schtick!

The other thing about staying up is it is opening the way to make it to the post Wednesday... hopefully.  Far too... not today, probably not tomorrow.  Flaggation has limits, which is stretched to well into pain as is.  Perhaps too far.  Besides, the next, and perhaps last batch arrives Wednesday.  I don't think I can juggle and make two pushes on the same schedule obverse.  After which I'll take some serious downtime.  As to snowshoeing?  I don't consider that spit of snow an actual snow.

Not bad if it is seriously uncomfortable pushing this far.  Not just the good kind, but heading, or really well into the bad kind.  But I am stuck, like a dog with it's teeth and jaws buried too deeply into the rag toy.  How to stop!?!  No worries, probably.  Good night, morning, and day.
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Done.  Watched a show while letting the house, my body, and the bedroom cool.  I am looking forward to a shower when I  wake, then setting up a very minor batch of dishes while finishing the kitchen.  Then no cooking for a while.  Could grill, outside, though.  Ugh.  Other than pushing my day back around, that's it until Wednesday.  Pftftfta but I am tired.

More, and more yet.

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Well, certainty can never be owned.  I have food to digest.  I am wearying.  And yet I have confidence... feedback from a particular prayer.  A rare, very rare, thing.  I wasn't asking to do more, if that was back there, separate from the prayer.  The notion wasn't being excluded purposefully, it was a different tangent.  I was merely offering what had been done, and what might further be done, to His glory, and being thankful for the opportunity.  I got a sense that more would be done.

I am sure my prayers must seem odd, even to others who pray.  Since most who read here don't know me personally, even some who might presume, I don't mind discussing my prayers, by the way.  Not bragging, how can a humble grateful supplicant have pride in submissive offerings?  Anyway, so, I received what seemed as a divine allowance.  Joyful at the time, but with a bit full of a belly now?  :p  Oh, I'll see to my side of the promise.  :)

Ah, something else.  Beside rosaries, chaplets, and such, I have been researching other books and slowly purchasing them.  The last book was distinctly not what I had hoped, turning out instead into exactly what I may have far more greatly needed... a more sure path to Masses!  It's complicated, if also not.

I had misunderstood the book to be a list of prayers used in mass.  I often feel lost in mass.  I was hoping to clear that up.  No problem, I have missals arriving, in various forms.  Initially I considered returning this book, but... while in hand I decided to examine just what it was that I did hold.  Hmm...  The title, a seeming perplexing, or mundane sounding, or... "A Prayer Book for Eucharistic Adoration".  Hmm...  So...  A bit of examination, then, of course.  Must be foggy, though while intellectually familiar, much of this is mechanically new.  I have never done some of this.  The rosary is still really new!

What this is, for hopefully just non-Catholics though, well, I guess as a noob I shouldn't harsh any mellows, is a book of prayers to be said in the chapel where the Eucharist parts are held.  Explaining further is not easily within my vocabulary, may have strayed as is.  The thing is Catholicism teaches, and I abide, that Transubstantiation occurs when the bread and wine are blessed, that these become the body and blood of Christ.  As such, they are kept in a special container, which has it's own area, chapel, for adoration before or after Mass.  I understand these things, I just don't have the words at full command, and perhaps not every last exact detail.

Well, okay Doom(ster), you might ask, how does that help?  Ah, key words "before Mass".  The addorations often occur an hour before mass.  But being a little late or early isn't a problem.  As with libraries, just enter quietly, respectfully.  Silly me, I was invited to this but did not understand and in my straight bullish if unintending nature flustered the bird so she didn't fully reach out and explain.  So sad, though things in their time?  Oh, and should I be very late, usually I might still be in time for Mass.  See?

Why all these seeming games?  Because time doesn't work the same for us, or even the internal and external me.  Inside, time ticks by as if moments were decades, a day as a thousand years. Outside, however, when I target a time, date, and place and... so often I set in my daily eternity watching the appointment approach and then depart with no ability to even call in, IF I even happen to notice.  Autistic of some sort, in some way, or... something.  So... this could improve odds.  Some days I just can't act, or won't remember.  On the days I can understand and function, this.  I am keeping the book.

On a side note, much of what was ordered was held up a long bit.  I really wonder about things.  I do believe the blessed rosaries will show back up, if most likely not until after I have a pile of blessed rosaries and a few other things ordered.  Yeah.  I... think just so.  It will get fixed.  That one and the help can get smart but won't win out.  Later.

I recently viewed this but even then didn't get it.  When going in the right direction, not just when in hell, keep going.  How strange how things pile up, and on, when seeking after being called to grace.  It IS exciting.  Amen.

A mild start.

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Dishes, a shower, cats fed, their water system checked and filled, plus a bite.  Laundry shouldn't be a problem.  As to food?  It would have to be easy, not fast.  I think the only fast food would be McDonalds, which fell below even my standards.  Food shouldn't have the scent of the dead.  I still like, or liked, their fries, if even those had fallen through oil changes, supposedly to satisfy a vegan lawsuit if probably losing the suit on purpose to use cheaper, inferior, oils.  Still, if I can get things together and get out, I should be able to find a few things by which to cook without fuss or mess.

Absolutely floored or I would have called my mother.  It sounds like she had the flu.  One of my cousins was staying to help with things.  The most unlikely of them which... somehow works as it should for my clan.  A family with many lost causes who, through graces high and low, a word or two from one or two other lost to another, and an opportunity. Extracting a cranium from a dark place and on to doing good.  Not written as a darkness but as... a blessing.  I'll call tomorrow.

I may be at the end.  Or I may get out for food yet.  Or just maybe I'll do that and still do more.  Trash could go, but not until I return.  Ugh.  I think I checked mail Friday, but will look again, on my return, just in case.  So, yeah, I'm going... sometime.  Later.

Nothing doing.

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Good plans, solid intent, all systems otherwise operational, green lights across the board, but something vital is not working.  An all stop of function spiting an all ahead command and system setting.  I'll keep at it.  Today is the next day.  While Sunday, with nearly a week of virtual Sundays in a row at my back, I'll take work if I can get it.  God simply has to see the plight.  Then again it is not God who is the concern, Christ knows... both my heart and the nature of men.

Same plan.  Dishes, laundry, a shower and shave, and to finish the kitchen.  Oh, out for food, perhaps?  If, later, and I get some of this done, should I believe it will help continue work?  Then I might go out for food, fast or some sort of easy to fix food.  Someone keeps bumping a post about the troubles with work while fasting.  Especially at my level of it.  Yeah, I get that.  It's just that I am sort of stuck with it, sort of.  I'll figure my way out of the pretzel knot I seem to be in.  Thing is, I realized the other day, it will take several days to a week to eat my way up to a normal feedbag status.  The stomach has shrunk.  If only the waisteline would follow.

I think, perhaps, today is the day.  I'll feed the girls, fix a bite myself, finish waking, then try ketone crystals while trying to hit work.  Hmm...  Yeah.  Later.