Two feet?

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If not, three.  Snow.  That is a terrifying lot of it.  Both of my machines have been pressed into service.  The fellows working to keep areas clear have been hitting it every three to four hours through yesterday.  Had to sleep and we got as much again overnight as all of yesterday, give or take.  The snow blower isn't excellent, but with that much snow even it beats shoveling.

Blood sugar is 140 fasting.  I really need to cook.  The place is a bit messy.  Baking a chicken hindquarters before long.  I'd like to shower and do a bit of cleaning first.  The remaining burger isn't tasty anymore, but it will do, one last time.  I am baking a potato for a quick start.  Carbs, but it is Thanksgiving.

I'll also have to shovel my way to feed the ducks.  I'm up late because it was unusually cold up there last night.  It wasn't all that cold outside, so... no wind either.  I would have thought snow pack, 25° F, which would create a frozen seal, but without wind, it would get toasty.  Nope.

Oh, right.  Happy Thanksgiving!  Nothing is a complaint, here.  Just how it is.  I am... happy.  I already called my mom, will call my brother sometime between lunch and dinner... to try to miss their meal.  You know how that often goes though.  Some people eat in the early afternoon.  Ackh!  Too funny.  Later.

Sleep was difficult.

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Or, well, getting to it.  Too many body grumps?  Or, just... just because?  I was up past two.  To three or even later I can't remember.  When I got to bed I slept extremely well. A dream though.  For me, a very good dream.  I started a bit cool, but warmed well and quickly.  A good night.

I woke a bit after nine.  I woke well and happily.  The body still has minor aches, but the kind a man who stays active or fit loves to know.  The little muscle twinges from rest days... for whatever reasons.  It's organ, skeletal, and head aches and pains that are troubling.  If I could stay active enough, I would ache like this pretty much every day... this, actually, would be my most rested day, actually.  I used to live perpetually in this sort of pain.  Fitness never felt good, to me, but it felt right.  I miss the perpetuity of those days.  Pain is your friend.

Ah, the dream.  A fresh filly got a bit close.  I got closer.  Yeah.  A child, on the way.  She came to me, for money, for an abortion.  I refused, but opened my home.  She accepted.  Not the best way, but we ended up married, with a small tribe.  Like?  Love?  Getting it done.

I'm almost starting to believe all hopes and dreams about romance boil down to finding someone of the opposite sex who won't kill you in your sleep, or wide awake actually, who has a decent chance of not just leaving.  There has to be enough time, support, money, and space... no longer "middle class" assets, albeit.  Anyway, yeah, a good dream, if a bit ugly around the edges.  Not her, just the way it happened.

A look outside.  Another six to ten, and still snowing.  I had thought my lawn tractor key unreturned or lost.  Found it.  A bit of plowing shortly.  It sure looks pretty.

Right there I called my mom, to see about her weather.  They already got our last storm.  It was spent last night, I think she said.  I hated to tell her, but definitely more in the terrestrial mail.  Though they got a lighter load, perhaps they will slip through again.  Love when it works that way.

Blood sugar is 146 fasting.  I just... that isn't making sense.  Never mind, I will figure it all out.  Later.

Not much.

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It isn't that everything hurts.  Not all at once.  I'd say 66 percent of everything hurts at any given time.  As well, what hurts changes.  The pains are mostly mild.  Sometimes some of them cancel, though in minor ways.  Aspirin this morning, and as bedtime approaches.

The ducks were fed, watered, and offered time out.  Which they mostly declined.  I refreshed their water later in the day.  I do what I can for them.

I am trying to pull it together to go to the post.  A package.  I'll try to stay up on that.  Few boxes, many packages, so when it is my turn, I try to do my part.

Blood sugar has done fairly well.  After lunch it hit 96 then 123 this evening.  It often goes up, especially if my day stretches.  I went with 25 cc's of slow acting, since none went in yesterday.  Will see how well things work out tomorrow.  I sure hope I can keep it going.  I've gotten on a generally good track.  Bleh.

Good night.

Strange.

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Blood sugar.  It was 113 fasting, in spite of the wrong foods and no slow acting insulin... actually no insulin... yesterday.  And a 172 fasting blood sugar, actually from fasting?  Bah!  Very strange.  I am about to have a burger, warmed, on salad, with ranch.  As well, a fatted tea.  Back to keto.  It isn't a bad diet.  It could be better with a little help.  But it isn't bad.  It is just restrictive.

I need to get going, get the ducks fed and watered.  This month I will be buying a few more five gallon buckets, for mouse traps.  Life is cruel.  It is hard.  But who says it can't be fun?  Don't worry, with just enough water for the hordes to keep open, and the cold, they drown right as they freeze.  Becoming bait themselves.  "Is it cold"?  "Heck, no, come on down"!   "Dirty rat"!  "Ah, ah, ah... clean, name's Misery, I love company".

It is cold, probably permanently... for the winter.  More snow every day for the next three or four.  I'd gues we have had eight to twelve inches so far, if much has melted in.  And cold.  The wet from snow adds to it.  The right gear helps.  It is, beyond any doubt, winter now.  On the good side, it is healthy and timely, for a white winter.

On to chow.  Actually the ducks first.  Later.

A bit yesterday.

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Nothing planned, mind you.  Snow arrived.  I wasn't even much help.  Mostly a passenger.  The tire that keeps going flat was finally removed for repair.  Though tubeless, a tube was installed.  All good by me.  Yes, I asked, if only because the driver noted the discrepancy.  So after years, hopefully no more filling every time it is needed?

Then he arranged for room for a vehicle.  The trade was an allowance of space, under a roof for the family bikes.  After that, I became just the passenger.  He had things to do. I had a human ear.  So, I was out until pretty late, if more a talking pet rock.  It was good to get out.

I didn't get cold.  Oddly.  I think the cap and the gloves did the trick.  I wasn't sure if pricier gloves and mittens were worth the price.  In a simple and conclusive word, the goretex gloves I bought (on a major sale but still expensive to my mind) are fantastic.  So thin, not sure how they do that.  I have matching mittens, as well.

I did eat unwisely, then forgot slow acting insulin last night.  It was a long day.  I was beat just from being out and about, but quite glad for it.  Today?  I woke earlier than expected.  I hope to use the gift.  A bit sore, but nothing unusual.  Later.

Heated pork on crisp salad.

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With ranch dressing, mostly.

It doesn't always have to be fancy.  Often it can't be.  Still, that was fancy enough.  The dressing wasn't as strong as hoped, but not bad.  I may add a bit more spice.  I ended up eating the whole steak, but it had a large bone in it, and was only a quarter on an inch thick.  Delicious.  Blood sugar is slightly elevated, but 111 is doable.

I have only eaten twice.  So only two doses, smaller ones.  I am trying to ease back on the sticks, but still hitting it a bit stronger.  While I didn't use 25 cc's of the slow acting, I split the difference between that and 20.  Moderation while leveraging back from a mistake.  In part due to financial uncertainty.

Oh, and aha!  I finally found out why mineral high carbon steel has been such a dismal failure.  Stainless without non-stick?  All the time.  Cast?  Absolutely.  Just not these pans.  I tried so many ways.  I even tried seasoning them in the oven, then using them on the stove.  I was starting to take it personal.  Here is why.

Real food does help.

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I didn't bother with a final blood draw last night.  It had been running in the one teens to one forties.  I had a real meal, a dose, waited several hours the had the slow acting insulin at bedtime.  I was a little disappointed to see it 144 this morning.  Corrections take time.  A single half pound burger and half an avocado, with milk, a dose, and many hours later a 106 blood sugar.

I will have another meal shortly.  I am keeping them on the smaller side.  An half a pork steak and a smaller salad.  I really wish I had gotten sour cream.  Mayo and cream will have to do for salad dressing... well and spices.  It will do, if sour cream really jazzes things.

I may snap beans for tomorrow.  Sometime today.  Those and half a pack of mushrooms are the sorts of carbs I tolerate, moderated by a heaping lot of butter, dash of salt, and pinch of pepper.  I have a few cheeses to try.  I almost bought the more famous of stinky cheeses, but lost my nerve.  I need to find an approach vehicle, something(s) it goes well with?  I have other artisan cheeses to sample.  I should keep a log.

I have continued to eat salami.  More every other day or three, and probably less than an ounce, possibly less than half an ounce.  A slicing device which could do paper thin would be very helpful.  It is for taste more than substance... if one is wise.  Hmm, that might be what would go with the stinky cheese?

Ducks have been out twice today.  I have been awake at the right times and able to remember.  They are enjoying, or were.  The girls seem happier.  It seems like a good day, moment.  I thought about getting to church, it just wasn't possible.  But I smiled at God's place and He beamed back.  He knows.  Besides, He is literally always on or in my mind, plus a side focus... connection.  We are farther from strangers than some might suspect.  Smile?  When you are close, you are always in His smile.

Later.

A shower.

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And more!  I finally made it to the store.  I had to scrub first.  I must still smell.  It is the house.  Anyway.  Enough groceries to see me through to payday, with one special meal.  Has thanksgiving passed?  I think so.  Rather than turkey, or chicken, I went with oysters.  Strange, perhaps.  Usually a Christmas Eve thing when growing up.  Far easier than doing a whole turkey or chicken.  And, yet, still festive.

Not tonight.  Grilling.  Burgers, pork shoulder steak, and a veal chop I got a very nice deal on.  Food ahead for the week.  I've never had veal before, to my knowledge.  I didn't even know they still raised it!  I like trying new things.  I thought I forgot my list, so winged it.  Not the best, but some.  It was in my pocket, it just didn't feel like it, until I pulled my wallet as I was leaving.  Couldn't have afforded it all anyway.  *sigh*

Dinner is done and done.  Veal it was.  I don't think veal is best grilled.  It wasn't awful, it was more that it is too delicate a meat to handle the strength of smoke.  Some might truly enjoy it, but most wouldn't.  As I suggested, not awful.  As to veal itself?  I... suspect that is an acquired taste, to some degree.  Tender?  Amazingly.  But not terribly beefy.  No complaints, mind you, just notes.  It is amazing in texture and... something else.  A gentle meat to begin eating meat again with.

So tired.  Must sleep soon.  It is good to know food will be available.  Blood sugar has been going up, dosing hasn't been helping.  Good night.

Doldrums indeed.

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Winter... fall?  As often as it freezes I could mostly call it either if it is more a combination.  Much better than summer doldrums, that heat is a ballbreaker.  At least with the cool, sleep is good, IF I can figure out enough bodily warmth.  Elevated feet, the right blankets, a stocking hat, and a robe as needed.  I don't sleep cold.  Actually, I am wondering if my body puts out more insulin if it is too cold.  Blood sugar was 143 this morning, while I am toasty warm.

Nothing, yesterday.  Part of it was no heat.  The furnace was at 66°.  I never realized to turn it up.  First thing today.  Eating almost nothing, barely drinking a gallon a day, sometimes half that.  I know, I said I was down to a gallon before, if more like that and an half.  And, that was true... of cold tea.  I was drinking three to four quarts of fatted tea or coffee too.  Now, the gallon or less includes all.

Yeah.  I need to get to the store.  Believe it or not, I am extremely hungry.  Not thirsty, could fix that.  Cooler weather slakes thirst.  Same plan as yesterday.  Plus grocery shopping if possible.  Ugh.  I better reset the furnace before another day is gone.  Later.

Someone is, or is trying to, put two and two together.

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Insanity?  Or a true timekiller?  He fears he experienced it.  Denial.

Not eating.

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Between too little variety, something just wrong, and no energy to overcome the first problems, food just...  I can't eat.  Blood sugar is going high, 140 fasting this morning.  Higher yesterday, if I ate absolutely nothing so didn't dose two days ago.  Yesterday I had a fatted tea and nuts, for breakfast, so I could dose.  Blood sugar was down to 99 at bedtime last night.  Not doing well.  Shopping, soon?

A shower and trim shortly.  A fatted coffee and very small portions of salami, cheese if I can find some.  Recheck my grocery list.  Tend the pets.  And... see from there.  May shower before starting my waking time.  Going to hit it, push, if I can find substance from mind and will and get it to engage with my flesh.  I may not be the ghost of Sparta, but a ghost I am, sometimes.  Later.

Must have needed it.

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Down by 20:30.  I initially woke at 3:30, and was almost sure I was awake.  I started to think about something, then nothing.  4:30?  Wow.  Weird, but I am up now, for sure.  I rolled over to 6:30!  Very weird!  But definitely awake, as sleep almost ate me again.  No!   So, I got up, used the facility, set up the machine, and sit writing this, as the clock says 6:06?  So toast.  No, both the upstairs clock and this one are radio linked to the Colorado nuclear time system.  I... don't know what... that... was.  I very rarely see that in waking time.  Others have experienced it for the first time in my presence.

When I suggest accidental transcendentalism, I don't mean it merely in a personal, private, or psychological way.  In some ways, it is purely objective and impersonal.  Quite real, no longer having much to do with me.  It can frighten or terrify friend, stranger, or foe.  Perhaps it is some sort of pheromone or hormone released, which has slightly... hallucinogenic properties?  I...always seek potential scientific explanations.  I like spiritual, faith has it's reasons.  But, in time, what faith now requires will become actual science as a knowledge.  So...

Of course, I neither need or expect belief, even from those of you who have experienced it.  Like the guys I k.o.ed, their minds always looked for any explanation which didn't leave them naked, alone, vulnerable, in the dark, without any say.  It terrifies more to lose temporary control than almost anything else.  Denial is common. Even I... attempt denial, when I forget, or it's possible.

So warm upstairs.  62° F.  It was 57°  at bedtime.  Almost too warm.  It doesn't seem to matter whether I leave the door downstairs open or not.  Sleep was good enough.  And I actually didn't feel too cold or hot.  It is just strange.  Thursday already.  I suppose I best get busy before I have another dead week.  Later.

Oh, probably just quirks.

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Strange new and old, popping like popcorn.  Irresistible.  Could it be?

Nothing more doing.

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I don't function well lately.  Almost not at all.  And today, blood sugar remains slightly elevated, in spite of my best efforts.  I suspect it is from a lack of better, more substantial food.  I haven't been staying away from the store for financial reasons, mostly.  I just haven't been able to get all together and go.  For weeks.

Working on it.  If I can find corned beef at a price I can do, that and cabbage.  Perhaps carrots.  Or a chuck roast.  The rest will be chicken and or pork, unless that too has become to expensive for the "middle class".  Man, it is getting so that starving isn't a choice.  It's what's for dinner.

On the other hand, when people have had it, I don't think elites will even see it coming.  When was the last time Biden, Pelosi, Ginsberg, McConnell, or even Trump had to go without beef, or whatever they like, because the price was simply too high?  If I am choking, I can only imagine a family.  Is the whole under $40 to $50 k lot drowning?  Have to be.  It can only last so long.

Bedtime.  Sleep well.

Whether of thatch, logarithm, or other...

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It makes no difference to me.

Not always what was wanted.

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Lists of lists.  Things to do.  Work, chores, calls, bills, etc.  All have their own best and worst times.  Some by date, others by time, the last are regulated by my capacity.  As well, there are daily chores, but... when I am running a time lapse, and my days are very long or very short... I can only do what I can do.

I finally called my brother.  I called once to no answer, called my mom and she made a suggestion, then called again.  Had good talks on both calls.  I have learned the trick... don't be family, don't be right, and listen?  Something like that.  I learned from my mom, when she remembers, which is almost always now.  It is good to have family.  I will try to keep up, and add a few more, now that humility and civility are... nearing automation.  An aunt I have always adored, an sob of an uncle, a cousin or two.  Just... to... be alive... more alive... for a while longer.

I... don't know why, but time has flown this morning.  I checked my account, I should have enough for groceries finally.  I created a list, but may not get all.  Oh, crap, one last bill is overdue.  Water.  This coming month... Ugh.  So close to having everything caught up.  It is tight anyway, but being behind is murder.

I'll hit aspirin again.  Fluids aren't being expelled quickly, but taking more waterpills makes me quite ill.  It'll just have to be a slow grind.  At least, mostly, no area is screaming, if quite a few are sore.  Yes aspirin.  Blood sugar went up without eating.  I had forgotten it does that when average goes below 150.  My monthly average is at 119.  Anyway, at 118 I dosed, am eating, and will figure out how to eat more.  Popcorn?  It seems like a bad food, but usually gets insulin to work better than not eating enough.

It is gray and 40° F out there.  Still... it is a good day.  Later.

About right.

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My sleep cycle that is.  Down at 19:30, up at 3:00.  Sam woke me once, I she failed after that.  I slept out on the open floor, since going to bed close enough to the dark I don't need the protections the closet offers.  Perhaps you know, or don't, the desperate need for sleep and the inability to attain it for the light of day.

Oddly, I think it was easier to lift off the floor this morning.  I would have thought, despite the close confines of the closet, having walls to pressure off would have made it easier.  Then again, I don't really remember getting up.  So maybe it is a waking short term memory issue, not a comparison.

I am really considering putting a bolt in, or two, over my sleeping areas, so as to put in a knotted rope.  Using that to strengthen my arms and get up easier?  The thing that is a bit spooky about that is how clumsy and dubious strength can be in the morning.  Then again, for how fragile much of my health is, my bones are absolutely solid.  I can, probably, handle a minor fall without to much damage.  Though, I may not actually have the strength needed.  Perhaps at angles?

Blood sugar was a bit high most of yesterday.  Starting at 117 to 111 to 123 ending at 78 if nearly fasting.  I couldn't eat much.  A fatted coffee or tea was two of my meals.  I took a 8 cc dose with what I could eat for the first reads.  It finally worked.  I don't think, regardless of how many calories are supposed to be in it, that my body actually counts a fatted coffee or tea as a caloric food?  Which is required, in my system, for the insulin to be able to act.

On the good side, blood sugar is 104 fasting this morning.  To be honest, I would much rather have higher aftermeal reads, and a lower fasting morning read, so...  Ah, I took 20 cc's of the slow acting insulin in spite of the lower last read.  My body really does put out a lot of insulin at night.  If I could regulate sleep, I would avoid eating for five to eight hours before bed.  It definitely lowers how much insulin my body puts out.  I will use that as much as my sleep issues allow.

Legs are still sore from swelling. Why not the feet and ankles?  Pickle juice, tea, and three waterpills (my usual, if I keep looking for a way to lower that), aspirin as all the aches remain as well as occasional feverishness.  I'll see if my list of chores can be reduced today.  Later.

Sometimes I am so very wrong.

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That was very fast.

Annoying?

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This first vid keeps popping.  Insinuation?  If you know the flick, you know nothing is quite as it seems.  Nothing.  You almost can't think it back through... unless you were Tyler first, and as I have mentioned, always will be.  A devil may not be an angel, but he isn't a demon either.

Today is as yesterday.

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Better.  But just.  Not good definitely not great.  Aspirin first thing, and waterpills, three.  My usual number.  And to set up medication, the rest of it.  I will continue with pickle juice and tea, trying to find equilibrium.  Mouth is so dry, but my legs, from just above the ankles to nearly the knees are swollen so bad they hurt.  I may have to find my really long compression socks.

I thought I had caught the waterpills in time, seems not.  That may be why my lungs burn.  The thing I don't get, is if my heart is better, why is blood still backing into my lungs?  Why do I still need heart medicine?  I don't think they actually know what they are talking about.  They sure don't explain it well.

Sam was up several times.  Sure, she wakes me, but I don't mind.  I think the closet sleeping is why Sassy doesn't go up.  But, now that I am sleeping at about dark, I am going to sleep out in the room.  I sure wish I had a heavy-duty chair to help get up, wherever I sleep.  I might have to look for one.  Not a lazy-boy type, that would be murder to get upstairs.

Perhaps even just a very heavy, squat, endtable?  It isn't pure weakness, it is that plus waking weakness.  Muscles and all just are coordinated first thing.  I can pop off a standard bed, but all that is needed for that is leg strength.  I figure, in time, I will gain more arm strength, and a sort of muscle memory.  But, for now, a minor booster would be good.

The V.A. has arranged an appointment before the paperwork is due.  It is just primary, but it is a start.  I need to clear my head so as to catalog the symptoms, actually sets of symptoms.  The flu-like thing is it's own thing, probably carrying something, or something I was exposed to but never fully beat.  Then what I suspect are symptoms from occasional organ brown-outs.  They don't quit, completely, they just slow way down.  Then the exhaustion and confusion.  I am sure there might be connections, but not always.  Yes, lists.  And questions.  If my heart is better, why am I not?

Blood sugar is better, at 117 fasting.  The last blood sugar was 101 up from 76 without food, so I used 23 cc's of slow acting insulin.  I do my best at derivating needed insulin and do... okay.  The goal is still 100 fasting.  I have room to improve.  Still, it's been over a week with 155 as the highest reading, generally by a significant spread.

Well, on to waking.  Good morning and day, perhaps good night for some of you night owls out there.

Better.

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Not good, just better.  Kidneys still hurt.  Actually everything but the headache remains.  Everything is muted, except the tired feeling of the heart.  That is the same.  Well, the fever has gone for now, replaced by chills.  It's worse when they both exist at the same time.

I suspect the improvements are from aspirin and pickle juice.  I am about to take a few waterpills and try for a nap.  The V.A. has gotten back to me, but I haven't heard anything final.  I may simply be required to wait until my appointment in January, turn in the social security paperwork in December, and tell them I am attempting to get the V.A. to more fully evaluate my conditions.

Sam is having difficulty eating.  I am hoping it is just the cold.  It cooled a bit, and got darker today.  I know what that can do to me.  But, I know, she is slowly slipping away.  All I can do is be as good of a friend as possible for the time she has left.  She has been a wonderful friend for many years now.

I best nap myself.  I'll leave the door open.  She may join me for a bit.  Then again, I think she knows I am in a bit of a spot myself.  Animals can just tell.  Oh, but blood sugar came down nicely.  I used 15 cc's of fast acting insulin and blood sugar dropped to 84 then 76.  I... guess I don't need as much as I used to require.  Later.

Aha!?!

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Taking in fluid was not helping.  The more I drank the drier my mouth got, and the worse I felt.  Aspirin went down.  As it started to take hold, I was able to think.  Definitely dehydration, a serious enough case of it that the kidneys were choking on the dry.  As was I.  How had I dealt with deep dehydration before?

Pickle juice!  Right.  It was a seriously powerful fix.  Too salty?  No, the vinegar seems to mitigate that.  Something in it does.  But, then again, I don't drink much.  A quarter cup, every half to several hours as desired, until the grail and or fever in the throat is gone.  Then I drink as much other fluid as possible, as pure as possible.  I can't drink much water, or even straight tea, it makes the dryness worse, even swelling my throat shut with as little as a half pint.  Sometimes I can drink more, just not when too dehydrated.

So, yes.  Pickle juice, a first shot.  More after I finish.  As well, some slightly salty soup.  I have to avoid salami for a while, but a bit of saltiness is required to hold some of the fluid.  Salami will be a small, twice a week treat from now on.  Balance.  I still have to take waterpills, just not as many, or for now.  Two, for now.  It's all engineering, medicine.  It really isn't science.  I are an engineer, of sorts.  Within what is possible.

I made it to the post.  Packages.  They had been in my box, but it overfilled.  I got to it before it became a bother.  I do my best.  Sometimes my best is slow.  Not this time.

Later.

Something is terribly wrong.

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I haven't hurt like this in a long time.  A major headache, fever and chills, biceps to kidneys feel as if I had been in a serious scrap against two or three thugs.  My calf has a charliehorse.  Several areas do, including my left wrist.  My lungs burn, hot.  And my heart is so tired, achy, sore.

I think I used too many waterpills.  They didn't evacuate fluids evenly.  I had thought it was working, but it isn't, not evenly.  My right foot and ankle is normal, at least in appearance.  The left side not so much.  As well, in spite of brushing, my mouth is so dry that bad breath persists.  That has been true for a while now, it is just worse.

Blood sugar is 155 fasting.  That shouldn't be.  It was 88 at bedtime, I hadn't eaten for hours, I consumed keto.  I only took 18 cc's of slow acting insulin, but that was more than yesterday with a lower bedtime blood sugar.  I think it was kidneys not working, for whatever... extreme dehydration?  They sure hurt.

Well, aspirin and fewer waterpills.  I still need to take.  I'd best drink a bit more too.  A horrible night and start to the day.  It's what I have.  Later.

Bedtime.

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Not much.  The ducks were given a second outing and the girls were fed.  I did do a second dose of fast acting insulin with my last meal.  Blood sugar is 88 now, perfect.  I used 18 cc's of slow acting, trying to minimize insulin.  Tomorrow will begin to tell.  Will see when meat is back on the menu.

Bedtime indeed.  Good night, and blessings.

Had to chuckle.

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I kept eating.  Not all that much, but constant.  Hungry?  Not really.  I think my body wants meat.  What I have just doesn't work.  Anyway.  I did get around to making chocolate pudding, whipped cream, and chia, then mixing parts and adding walnuts.  Every bit as good as it might seem.  Though, of course, I didn't eat a quarter of any of it.  Next time with pecans?

It has been two hours, finally, since my last meal, the pudding mix.  With all, I was worried about a higher blood sugar.  Sure enough, higher.  THAT is what made me laugh.  One dose of fast acting with the first breakfast, then eating all morning, and I count 105 as a high read?  True, not in the 90's, but easily good enough... in no way too high.

Right.  I want to work, but my lungs burn.  Muscles too, from little effort.  I am looking for an opportunity.  Later.

Down very hard.

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I am guessing, from historical documents, that I went down around 11:30 yesterday.  The timestamp on blogger is always way off, but phone use is accurate.  The body tried to wake several times, and I heard someone in my house which stirred me.  Just not enough to get up.  Besides, I can tell who.  The lad walks with two left feet!  I was finally able to shake sleep at about 3:00~3:30.

 Blood sugar is 130 fasting.  I only used 15 cc's of the slow acting insulin though.  Blood sugar was 97 after a meal, so I worried.  Perhaps 18 cc's in between 90 and 100?  Yeah.  Weekly average is 105 biweekly is 106 and monthly is 124.  If I get the monthly average to ~105, that will probably be as good as it gets.  Though, I may have to take 25 cc's to get fasting to ~100.

Today?  I am hoping a shower, shave, and cleaning the bathroom.  It has been stripped bare.  So just a fresh sweep, washing the ceramics, and mopping.  If anything else is possible, it would be installing shelving, a standing closet, and some lighting up there. Possible.  I need to go grocery shopping soon.  My preferred stores are all closed on Sunday, something I support mind you.

Of course, with real food to eat, adjustments will have to be made to insulin and consumption in order to keep the numbers.  Then again... I have been surprised by the volume of the right food I can eat without upsetting blood sugar.  Weight is another matter.  And, yes, weight is coming into it's own as a consideration both after and through lower blood sugar readings.  Later.

Nothing doing.

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I attempted to do paperwork online.  It just wouldn't go through.  I contacted the other end.  No reply so far.  A small breakfast.  That was it.  Tired.  Unable to focus.  The cats and ducks have been tended.  Blood sugar is staying just above 90.  I think I am about to crash.  I will take slow acting insulin, again just 15 cc's.  With blood sugar that low.  I will skip supper, lunch?  Whatever.

It was warm enough yesterday and today to do some airing out.  I was so surprised, but took the opportunity.  It was good.  Later.  Good night, actually.

Odd.

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I went down right at 20:00.  Slept until 1:30, but cruised to 2:30.  Someone was in my house, but I knew who and why.  Part of what woke me.  Not a problem, I was waking already.

The water pills did there work.  Between yesterday and last night I purged two to two and an half gallons.  There is still a small amount of swelling.  I will take more today, and set up the lighter medicines.  Blood sugar is 134 fasting, but I only took 15 cc's of slow acting insulin because blood sugar was so low.  And I ate something a bit carby.  I'd much have it run a bit high than to wake in a dire low insulin level.  And, remember, I used no fast acting insulin yesterday, and I think only one 8 cc dose the day before.  I will have 8 cc's this morning, with breakfast.

I plan on making more pudding, but also chia, and mixing the two.  It would be similar to small pearl tapioca mixed in.  Toss in walnuts, and/or pumpkin seed, and or pecans, plus whipped cream?  A rather good keto treat meal.  Watch portions, an half cup with a dollop of whipped cream, and you are golden.

I am not sure if I am going to stay awake.  Will know soon.  I set the kitchen timer for several hours.  I will feed the girls then, and either shower or go back to bed.  Depending on if I see my shadow?  I am my shadow!  Never mind.  That is the plan.  If staying awake, after the shower I will finish the bathroom.  Then get a lamp or two upstairs, plus start on storage?  Hopefully.

Later.

A bit.

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Not all, but some.  Two loads of laundry, if no dishes.  Three business calls and both bills paid.  A shower but no shave.  Several other odds and ends.  Still rough, just able to do a bit.

Blood sugar is staying a bit low.  Eating enough has become difficult.  The last read was 81 so I had to eat.  I haven't taken, or needed, fast acting insulin today.  Blood sugar has been in the low 90s other than the first and last, but they average to 90.  Even having eaten, with blood sugar that low, I cut the slow acting insulin to 15 cc's.  Tomorrow will tell if that was right.  Unless there is a problem during the night.

Oh, salami is a bit too high in salt.  I'll have to eat smaller amounts and less frequently. Very doable.  Legs and feet swelled something awful.  No worries, I know how to fix that.  Lesson learned, for as long as I can remember.

Another shower tomorrow, and shave.  Plus cleaning the bathroom and starting dishes?  Perhaps a lamp upstairs and putting up some storage?  I'll do as I may.  Bedtime for now.  Sleep well.

Cats and laundry.

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Plus breakfast and lunch.  Almost.  I am waiting for the laundry to fully dry, hopefully this second spin.  Then I will shower, dress, and feed the ducks... and other things?  Hopefully.  Blood sugar dropped to 90 after having salami for breakfast.  More salami, this time with brie, and a fatted coffee shortly.  I really need to do grocery shopping.

I had forgotten to turn the furnace up.  As I was doing laundry I realized the issue and fixed it.  Thankfully it hasn't caused problems with the plans, but would have.  It looks like today might be better.  I sure hope so.  I am impossibly far behind.  That is no excuse for quitting.

Later.

Waking from another crash.

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I fell again at 22:30, shortly after waking.  I woke at 3:30.  Blood sugar is 102 fasting.  I am having salami, without a dose.  I can't put fresh tea on until I work through cold to make room for what is in the pot.  Usually that is organized through my day.  But with a two hour day, I didn't even get a fatted tea or coffee.  I was crashing almost as soon as I woke.  At least I got a shower.

Whites are going in right away.  A timer has been set to feed the girls, at which time I will dry the whites, take a shower, and set up dishes.  That is the plan.  I trimmed whiskers, so am hoping to shave today.  And I need to set up medicine.  I hope all the extra sleep will see me ready.

I have been gaming, but even that is above my current paygrade.  Blogging has been spotty.  Even watching movies on or through amazon prime is a challenge.  I can only do small bits of this or that before having to move on, or go back to bed.  It really is a difficult time.

Hmm... maybe some extra heat?  When fresh tea is going, I hope to make chia with sugar free strawberry preserves... or jam.  Still a bit sugary, as a berry... dose is your friend, and gluco-drops... again with dose control.  If it is too little, you may atrophy (self-cannibalize), too much and you poison yourself, even if it is just through fat storage by insulin as a biproduct.  Later.

Awake again.

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I can't be sure when I went down.  Before noon, I am almost certain.  Waking at 20:30 means a full sleep.  I was worried about blood sugar, as right before crashing I had a larger salami and brie lunch, but didn't do another dose.  As it turns out, no need to worry.  Blood sugar is 114 fasting.  Oh, and since awake at the right time, I will dose with slow acting blood sugar.  I will keep it at 20 cc's for at least another week.  I want to see fasting closer to 100.

I will shower today... tonight.  And probably tomorrow, whatever that word means.  And call and work.  I may end up going back to bed after drying from the shower.  Life, currently, is harsh.  I'll keep trying.  Later.

Very good.

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Blood sugar went from 128 to 111 with the slow acting insulin, now down to 20 cc's, perhaps to be bumped down a few more cc's soon.  Then, with a heavy but truly keto meal and 8 cc's of the fast acting stuff, it is down to 97.  I do believe more salami would be good.

The ducks have had their first time out, and were enjoying it.  I only shoo them back in for their own safety.  I hope to let them out again later.  It was warm enough to run fresh water into their pool.  Clean ducks are warm ducks... and happy ducks.  Yea, I like critters and kids, in the right ways.

A few calls today.  Bills and personal.  Behind, but... will try.  Or tomorrow.  My heart is tired.  Not sore or ill otherwise.  A shower before long.  I would really like a bath a time or two a week.  I need to soak my feet and that is the easiest way.  Perhaps working in the bathroom, definitely doing a load of whites.  I need to go shopping, but can't quite yet.  Later.

Awake

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Surprised?  I am, some days.  Blood sugar is 128 fasting.  Should be lower, but the body just does it's own thing.  All day yesterday, blood sugar stayed between 91 and 95 after the 101 reading, and with only the single doses of slow and fast acting insulin.  I didn't have another meal until 17:00, a very light one, then went to bed at 19:30.  A very long day.  I am trying to get days back, for as long as possible.  The ducks were given two times out, but returned to their pen quickly the second time.

Sam continues to... what... yeowl through the veil.  I do know that.  She sees what has gone before, what waits, but can't let go.  The body isn't ready or able to... release.  I feel for her, but can't, won't, interfere.  Death must come in it's agonizing slow painful time.  I let her go, but offer her comfort when she will take it.  A bit jealous, her time approaches.  It might be years off, but barring... interference of some sort, I have decades to yeowl left, more dead than alive.  Speak of the devil... she knows even when I think of her.

Not so hungry first thing, so slow acting insulin is going in first.  I should have pushed, taken it at or a few hours before bedtime.  I was just holding on, thinner than skinny of thought.  I couldn't have thought myself to that within the moment.  But I CAN precognition a thing, preset parameters, then zombie act.  So it is done.  It isn't a forever thing, as my schedule changes without control.

Not one major bloody nose this morning!  TWO!  Bastard nose.  Sure, the rest of me too, but I pick on misbehaving parts as need be.  Not literally, mind you.  But no headache.  Aspirin relieves one, creates the other, problem?  I need to reset some meds today, and check bp.

Fresh tea is brewing.  A few pieces of salami, chia with pumpkin seeds, and a fatted coffee in an hour or two.  A strange breakfast, but it does well for my purposes.  And it might well surprise you how good it tastes, even purely keto.  It does take choice and sacrifice to get to this point.  But once here, going most of a day without food isn't a concern.  The difficult part of keto is the psychology of wanting food as a drug.  Carbs are sugar is crack.  I miss the rush... crave it.  More than I missed tobacco or booze.  Two years since my last drink now?  Three or four since tobacco?  QUITTER!  ;p

Good day, night, and morning.

Often surprised.

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A larger breakfast, or it seemed.  Still, I kept to a suggested dose, 8 cc's.  I didn't think it would bring it down.  At 101 the control is about perfect.  I need to take slow acting now.  The goal is 17:00 to 19:00, but with cycles so screwy I do what I can.  I went to bed early afternoon, too early.  I woke shortly after midnight, but was hungry.  Too hungry.  So, now, between meals, is my chance.

I did start the insulin log.  It stays on the fridge, and will go to the doctor offices with me.  I am putting a date heading, then lines for; time; current (or last check) blood sugar; and amount and type of insulin taken.  That... should alleviate... mistakes.  Those mistakes can be lethal.  Ugh.  Nearly have been.

I won't eat for another four hours.  I may crash first.  Hmm...  I wonder...  Perhaps measuring food, exactly, then tracking calories?  Or as closely as possible?  I have a decent kitchen scale.  Accurate to 0.1 ounces or better, .1 gram actually, it just doesn't go down the two or three decimal places to equivalent accuracy.  I... think.  Weigh it all, from chia seed to cream to prepopped popcorn.  I have a calorie book... somewhere.  Though there is always the internet.  Anyway...

It is 38° F outside.  Which is very good.  The last night I checked, it was 17°, if that was two or three (?) days ago.  It won't even freeze the water for the ducks.  Very nice.  I have it set too 70°.  That seems way too hot.  With it so warm outside, that makes sense.  I can probably go with 66°.  Anywho, later.

Oh, but first?  *blush*

Sleep cycle is insane.

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When I go to bed, without choice, I can't tell if it will be for three hours or as many as twelve.  I haven't slept longer, yet.  The same goes for waking periods, they too are between three and twelve hours.  No choices.  When awake, the world closes in to the point I can't keep my eyes open or think.  I stop being able to see a next move.  The pain of sleepiness slowly increases as well.  When I wake, I pop out of sleep, no going back.  In spite of how it may seem, I can't stay in bed if I am not sleeping.  It is too uncomfortable.

I am surprised my feet and ankles aren't swollen.  Daily headaches, more really, was my first symptomatic tipoff.  Possibly grogginess, sleep problems, and general psychic fog, but those... slip under the radar by their very nature.  As well, they make noticing other problems much more difficult.

I am going to restart all the easy stuff first.  Since I am not puffing up about feet and legs, I will go with one water pill.  After a week, two actually, of that, I will start the hard stuff, 6 mg bid... uhrm twice a day... to start.  Ugh, but this hurts.  Hmm...  I really should start with 6 right off, but I want to see what the little league stuff, vitamins, and minerals do, on their own, for two weeks.

Fresh tea is brewing.  Blood sugar is a bit higher at 138 fasting, weekly average is 106.  I am going to start keeping an insulin log, I... can't remember what I took, or when... gets spooky... in the dark... taking potentially deadly stuff.  To be able to see wars thousands of miles away, see people's dreams, remember the past and present, remaining... relatively sane, but not to know if I took insulin?  Bah!

Later.

Someone suggests keto flu.

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Not an unreasonable suggestion.  That and I have completely lost track of heart medicine, vitamins, and minerals!  How could I forget?  How long has it been?  A week or weeks?  I honestly don't know on either score.  I'll have to see if I have lower doses of carvedilol.  Worst case, I have to split pills.  They are an oblong diamond shape, so don't cut in a pill cutter, and don't split evenly, so doses are irregular.

Yeah.  Definitely the minerals help keep keto flu down.  But the effects of being off meds...  How in the world did that happen?  Ah!  Winter happened, and early.  My mind went to sleep, some portion of it.  It is embarrassing to admit.  But, there it is.  Now the explosive bloody noses and daily worsening headaches make sense.

Oddly, diabetes is... my weekly average is 104.  I am wondering if there is some conflict between heart medicine and diabetes?  Time will tell.  I thought it was still Sunday.  Oh well.  I... It is bedtime.  I will solve this the next time I am awake.  I do think keto flu is a strong component, if not the only one.  Good night and afternoon.

Something is very off.

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I crashed again.  I am not sure... hmm, actually I did a read right before going back to bed, to make sure it wasn't a blood sugar dip I wasn't sensing.  It says 11:10, so up to ten minutes after.  I am woke at 18:30, so a full night's sleep.  It has been dark.  That might be it.  And it is already sundown at this time.  So... yeah, it's a seasonal adjustment phase.  Ugh.

I did get blood sugar to 148 earlier.  A quart of milk did that, as popcorn doesn't really move the dial.  At waking, blood sugar is 109 fasting.  Crazy.  With sleep crashing in as it is, I may have to just peg taking slow acting insulin at a specific time of day, say between 17:00 and 19:00, unless I will be sleeping... adjusting as necessary.  It gets screwy when time gets lost in sleep though.

Fresh tea is brewing.  The last of the pudding will be had, or nearly?  Probably makes for or five half cup servings.  With a few nuts or seeds, it makes a reasonable side.  And it is nice to have chocolate that doesn't shred keto and diabetes.  Halloween candy wouldn't have been so nasty if I had found this first.  I'll bet they have vanilla and butterscotch too.  I am not fond of butterscotch, but... even my diet isn't all about me? Right.  You don't have to understand, if every mother who cooks for a family does.

A side ache?  As if gassy?  The world is a dark, strange, place.  My dreams were... not good.  Prophetic.  I won't share though.  No use.  Americans have decided their fate.  No words will change the collective suicide of a people.  What does surprise me is how so many will be so surprised when they finally realize what has happened.

Later.

What am I doing right or wrong?

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Seriously lower blood sugar.  After a reasonable meal, no fast acting insulin, blood sugar is 85.  I have to eat more.  I need to shop tomorrow, meats.  I may lower the slow acting dose.  Say, down 5 cc's to 20 cc's.  I am already not using fast acting often.  It's still good to have on hand.  The thing is, morning blood draws are still a bit high.  Tricky to get this without getting that.

A bowl of popcorn will do?  Yeah.

Ducks were let out.  I feed them enough for two days, but like to put fresh water daily, and let them out for a bit.  If I can be up correctly, letting them out twice would be good.  With the posts holes dug, I just need to decide the best way to set the posts.  Cement is out.  Either foam or dirt, with or without tarring the posts first.  I... just don't know.

I'd like to do whites, finish the dishes in the sink, shower, and set up dishes in the tub.  Maybe.  Oddly, with the furnace only at 70°, I am almost too warm.  Bundled, but no more than usual.  I'm telling you, my body is really weird.  When it works, fully...  St. Michael's sword?  Son.  Believe as you wish, I only suspect.  I am all but sure it has to be crippled... until the trumpet sounds.  So be it.

A nap, it turns out.

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I really thought, from feel and experience, that I was going down for a longer count.  Sore, sleepy, weary, groggy, all together in one packet.  I wanted to go down long.  Three hours about as exactly as... no I think just exactly... given a half minute to settle in and similar to rise.

Blood sugar is 72 at waking.  I best eat.  No need for insulin.  Oh, earlier I suggested I wouldn't dose if below twenty.  Unless I was eating.  Since I always eat when I dose... my real cutoff is around 100-110, depending on what I am eating.  Just a fatted tea?  110.  A fatted tea, three eggs and cheese, plus etc?  100.  I am well below dosing.  Hmm, I have tuna and pudding, with walnuts this time.  And a glass of milk.

Very strange.  I am not eating or drinking much differently than before.  Something doesn't make sense unless my suspicions, certain among them, were true.  The rooster indeed?  Indeed.  Later.

Crashing.

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Probably need food, meat.  Liquid food is limited.  Eggs are thin too, even pickled.  Everything I have in stock is light food.  I finally looked at the instructions for sugarless chocolate pudding.  I always thought cooking would be involved.  Nope.  Just add the packet to milk, add whatever sugar replacement, and beat for two minutes.  Really?  Out of curiosity and hunger plus wanting something different, I did it.  I let it chill for an half hour, then had a small pyrex ramikan of the stuff, with a small grab of pecans.  Not bad.  But, again, too light to manage hunger, or meat craving.

The temp was turned up when I woke, so it isn't that, if I am still cold.  Perhaps yesterday just wore me out.  Not all that much but it is the most done in some time.  Then again, what woke me was a massive bloody nose.  I was dead asleep, but felt something, then initially tasted the blood.  Was still tired, but the fuss disturbed sleep.

Back to bed.  Good night, again I guess.

A nap was the plan.

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I... seem able to lose time in all ways, if without control.  I had been keeping to days and nights, very roughly.  Up many hours, twelve to twenty or so, then down six to twelve.  Not a plan, can't control or contain sleep or wakefulness, but at least I had some sense of a day and night.  One slip doesn't mean it is gone, if it often indicates a return to cycle chaos.

After my last blood sugar read, I ate a bit as 83 was too low given I had eaten.  So I had a fatted tea and a big bowl of buttered popcorn.  That raised blood sugar to 110.  Three hours later it was down to 94 already.  No, no more insulin.  I won't take insulin below 120.  I am actually having trouble keeping blood sugar up!  Very strange.  But, for now, I will take it.  It is 113 fasting at around 18:30...  I can't be certain when I crashed, perhaps 8:30, give or take two hours.  But my last meal was several hours before the 110 reading... so definitely fasting.  However, I didn't take my long acting insulin because I intended a nap only.  Bleh.

Today?  The list remains.  Not much else to say.  For whatever reason, pretty much every muscle group is a bit sore.  Later.

Stews, fish, and other keto recipes.

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Stews are on my mind.  First, because I love them, if I fear dabbling in that arena.  As well, because it is fall/winter.  There are no better seasonsfor these.  The other recipes, save one, are items I miss.  Perhaps a keto version would... allow a taste I generally don't dare.  I am doing very well with diet and insulin.  But my desires will lead me astray.  These might help.  The last recipe is for a favored lady, her favorite pie.

Fried, battered foods?  Oh, so miss those!  Perhaps these?

Something, anyway.

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A neighbor suggested he would be having a tractor in town, one I knew had a post hole digger attachment.  So I asked about that.  Just two holes, for the gate to the duck pen.  He let me know when.  Yesterday, at near my bedtime.  Beggars can't be choosers.  H ad to cut a few branches to get the tractor in, but those needed to go anyway.  I've had to duck and dodge through them for... since I have had the ducks... every time I went to feed and water the ducks.

I guess, one might say I was helping.  He and the tractor did most of the work.  Branches were removed as well.  Nothing else hereabouts, but it was a good day just for that.  I was awake to 13:30, then woke at 20:30.  Blood sugar was 79 as I was going to bed, so I ate a handful of nuts and took slow acting, skipping my last fast acting dose altogether.  Blood sugar is 108 fasting, weekly average is 117.  Getting there.  I think that is the lowest fasting blood sugar and weekly average I have seen since restarting intervention, either keto or insulin, if I kept falling off keto.

Tea is brewing.  A fatted tea breakfast.  I may make a chia seed lunch, or added breakfast.  I really need to go shopping, I just want a few bills paid first.  And focus is weak.  I'll keep at it.  I hope to take a nap later, so as to be more read tomorrow.  I... hope.  Lungs burn.  Tired.  Just not enough problems and pain to stay asleep.

Later.

Another second chance!

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Oh hushutup!  It is so too funny.  Even in a joyous way.  Even if I never do another thing.  How?  God is still with me.  Yeah, it is that simple.

Oh, well, sure.  He wants me to work.  But then, I want to work.  We are on the same page that way.  Now, being God, He does know, what all, is wrong.  That I am missing.  I do believe I do what I can within the present circumstances.  Sometimes I do more.  I consider those as gifts from God.

Still, I make plans and attempt to do more.  And may do more, soon.

Blood sugar is 128 fasting.  I think the weekly average isn't a running seven day average, but the average from Monday to Sunday.  Or the other way.  It, by the way, is 121.  That seemed wrong, but I have probably only had three high numbers.  The rest have been between the 80s and 130s.  So, strange, but true.  Later.

Nothing.

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Blood sugar is superior though.  After the big meal and 10 cc's, blood sugar at 110 was quite good.  I feared that meal, a bit.  Something strange is going on.  Anyway, a fatted coffee and 8 cc's, plus three hours, has it at 89.  Very good.

I believe I am going to crash though.  I had been staying up to about noon.  Something is failing today.  It has been for a while, but it is just now hitting sleep... or really the ability to be awake.  Good night.

Still nothing.

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There remains hope.  There is time today yet.  And there is tomorrow.  Plus sleep is much better with the mattress.

A few small things.  Blood sugar was 103 so another smaller 10 cc dose with lunch.  Three ounces of tuna, a tablespoon of mayo, a keto pita, half a can of unsweetened peaches with a tablespoon of cream, and tea.  Tasty?  I rarely can afford to eat for flavor.  When I do, it is beef, when I can afford it.  I can't even afford chuck roast or hamburger anymore, not often.

If blood sugar stays low...  It took a while to adjust consumption to get closer to 8 cc's. Still at 10, but I needed 20 or more, if Halloween was haunting my program.  Am I eating too little though?  Is that part of the problem?  I should check my weight the next time I shower.  Loosing weight would be worth it.  Though, to be honest, I don't think even a pound is gone.  Will see.

Yes, I am hoping to do a few things.  If I can sleep, I will though.  Obviously, my days and nights are spinning.  I have no schedule, having lost as many as two hours a day for the last near week.  I don't even hear alarms, so have stopped setting them.  I'll keep trying, for what it is worth.  A woman would help.  It's an odd thing.  Half of it is to be with her, half is to get out and escape her.  But it is a good thing.  Later.

Dead to the world.

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It could be worse.  I was able to eat lightly yesterday.  I did a load of laundry.  And the futon type mattress which arrived yesterday was installed.  It is, by the way, vastly superior to what I had been using, blankets and a quilt folded into a topsheet.  As well, the cats and ducks were tended.

It has been warm enough to refill the kiddie pool without it freezing.  Into the 50's.  Between yesterday and today I was able to get that arranged for some well pleased ducks.  So well pleased they really didn't want to go back in, even after an extended stay outside.  I am hoping they get a few more pool days yet.

Other than those things I could either not remember or not physically act.  Dead to the world one way or another.  But!  No pain lately.  Or... nothing remembered.  Fog of mind and lack of short term memory are sometimes far superior to any medicinal pain killer.  Although, it feeds the harrowing nature of the best within.  The mind may be freed of physical horrors, but the body suffers and keeps score.  It becomes... meaner, even feral.

Blood sugar is 130 fasting.  I am cutting consumption and fast acting insulin.  At this level, with just a fatted tea, I will try 8 cc's.  Depending on what my read is, in three to four hours, I'll decide then.  I have seriously been cutting food.  I'll bet I am under 2k calories.  At my size, that is pinched.  But doable on real keto.  The trick is staying on keto and in ketosis.

I'll try to hit the list today.  I forgot to warm the place yesterday.  At best that didn't help.  I'll heat it higher, to push for a shower.  Then get the bathroom clean, start dishes, and the run whites.  Hmm, I might wash the blankets and bedspread first, actually.  I'm not sure what to eat.  I'd also like to get a few lamps upstairs.  A floor and end table lamp... which will require and end table.  I need a woman!  They love tinkering in a home, and will even sometimes do what is asked!  ;p  I'll think on that.  All of that.  Later.

Awake.

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Actually I have been awake for a bit now.  Sorting through life thoughts, the Internet, and pet care.  It was warm enough that I set up the pool for the ducks.  They aren't keen on being out.  Still...  Then fed and put happily away.  I didn't check the temp, but I would bet mid 50's, low 60's.  It was nice.  I wish I could have been out in it.

Caps arrived.  I have enough to compare various brands and types.  All is in for hummus save the larger batch of beans and fresh lemons.  I need to clear space to work in the kitchen.  So...  And, actually, I am behind on the other work.  But, tonight!?! I am hoping.

A shower shortly.  Then cleaning the (clear and well swept) bathroom.  Wool and new hats washed together, then whites as a last load.  The bigger items into a big shower bin, then set to soak, and a final hit on the dishes in the sink... to then be rinsed and dried.  Perhaps, in there, I can open up several places to work.  The kitchen is the next area to hit anyway.

Not sure all is possible today, but that is my list.  If I didn't have severe physical limitations, that is what sorts of lists I would do daily, until the place was caught up, then while maintaining, I would go back to school.  Though, honestly, it looks like all S.T.E.M.s work is deported or workers imported.  It is low quality, but no one cares.  I'm not sure what is worth getting a degree in now?

Anyway, there is the plan for today, and possibly tomorrow, or even the week.  Start with what is necessary, then do what is possible, and suddenly you are doing the impossible.  St. Francis of Assisi, I think, said that... or at least is reasonably quoted as having said it.  Dang saints!  Still, I will try.

Hmm?  Oh, fasting blood sugar was 144 fasting.  So a fatted coffee and milder dose.  My weekly average is 135.  Improving.  Thankfully, Halloween is over.  I am still waking, will see what can be done... soon?  Hungry though, now.  Later.

Someone is... seeking?

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Music from long ago.  And new but pointed songs.  Hiding the trail here but not there.  Oh, I suspect who.  As with others, shadowed.  But I see.

Not much.

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Have you ever been driving, with the intention of shopping, visiting friends, and doing a bit of sightseeing, getting out on some highway far from anywhere, then realizing you are just about out of gas?  The only possible thing to do is to return home immediately, as fuel is too far away in any other direction?

Your day is over before it could really start.  You might not even actually make it to fuel, but you should get, at worst, to within a short walk.  Even then, a neighbor might offer a ride if that happens.  Yeah, well, that is what is happening to me bodily.  I ate, had several fatted teas, will have another shortly.  Blood sugar dropped to 85 after a meal and fatted tea, with a light insulin dose earlier, from at 132.

I did reset dishes in the sink, tend feline and fowl, ate, called my mother...  Nothing else.  I am hoping for a shower, and to set up the other dishes, gather the clean clothes and fold them or put them under foot for tomorrow.  That will be it.  Looks like I will be crashing early, if I can get going, or even get up, soon.  Two hours later, after another hefty fatted tea, it is still 85.  I didn't dose last time.  Running low on fuel.  Might see what else is available to eat.

Later, or good night.

Foods.

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Being a new month, and nearly caught up on bills, I decided to buy a few food items, in some quantity.  One group of items is for homemade hummus.  After I found a bean I could still have, if only in a particular form, I have been jonesing for the stuff.  I love it anyway.  That it, as a recipe, somehow is keto friendly?  A Godsend.

Garbanzo beans, very fresh, are cheap in bulk.  Even tahini isn't expensive.  Finding unadulterated extra virgin olive oil is a bit of a trick.  You are flying almost on blind faith with that.  The only thing I have to have fresh is lemons (or limes)?  Every bottled juice of those I have tried, regular, organic, from acidic volcanic islands... all spike my blood sugar, significantly even from a capful.  No, has to be fresh, then no problem.

The thing is, I simply haven't had almost any extra money so hadn't checked prices.  I could have afforded it.  But, when so squeezed, even looking at prices is fear inducing. Finally, I have come, seen, purchased.  Further, it will be in by Wednesday, barring events, weather, or...  it happens.  I'll pick up a few fresh lemons soon.

A better second start.

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Washing the face and eyes seemed like a bad plan at first.  The sting in the eyes became almost unbearable, open or closed.  Cooling off, as well, was a slow process.  The aspirin was the fastest help.  It wasn't until nearly eleven that I went down.  Blood sugar was 125 at that point... an odd thing.  That it went up without food, while awake...

When I did go down sleep came fast.  I didn't sleep all that long, just to fifteen hundred?  Or up to an half hour less.  Eyes are still just a bit pinched.  Not sure why.  There were a few very minor pains while crawling out, but they have melted.  I am still a bit tired, but what I would expect from a broken sleep.  Yes, better.  Well within capacitance to not only remain awake, but perhaps get to a few things.

A shower, shortly.  So as to set up bigger items to soak in a bin in the tub.  Then to set up those jars, cookie sheets, and such.  Giving the smaller items in the kitchen sink a first wash and reset next.  Then back to laundry.  Just a small load of whites.  Though, if I have enough wool and synthetics to combine, I may run those first.  Both loads will be small by item number, but the whites include turkish cotton bath sheets, which are massive.  A petite fiveish foot women could disappear in one.  I'd... love to see that.  And more.  ;p

Blood sugar is 135 fasting.  I am about to have a fatted tea or coffee.  This time, I will be dosing at just 8 cc's.  If it is below forty, and I am eating right and light, I will try to cut the fast acting.  Later I will have a few burgers.  I have low carb mayo and zero carb relish with it.  No bun, of course, no ketchup, sometimes mustard... avoiding dijon... always sweetened, honey is sugar is maple syrup is most fruit syrups is sugar.  Fruit, generally, is sugar.

Awake, if only to sort things out.

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I went to bed at four.  Though I can't remember which clock or device was used to check the time.  With the hour change last night, it could have been... whatever... the other other time.  It seemed warm, and was for upstairs.  Perhaps it is due to no wind? When I took the trash to the curb, it was 22° outside.  It may be that if there is moisture, and it freezes, it seals the roof?  It is 55° up there regularly now.  It had been 50° to 52° most of this "fall".

Beside the warmth, something else was going on.  Organ pains, nerve pains(?) as if shot through the leg, than an arm, a sense of excessive body warmth which persists, the neck pain is back, and my eyes continue to burn.  Sleep was difficult, intermittent.  I decided to get up to just wrap my head around the problems, perhaps see about solving some problems or symptoms.

Blood sugar was checked.  After a small dose with my last fatted coffee, it was 105 before bed.  So I took my regular night dose of the slow acting insulin.  I'm not sure what it should be, as I rarely wake and haven't randomly checked blood sugar at night (without an obvious problem, and that was just once).  It is 103.  Seems good.

The organ pains are lighter, but persist.  The eyes still burn.  Body heat remains seemingly elevated but without being a fever, or feverish.  It's more like body heat from exertion, only minus anything.  I just want to sleep.  Aspirin, washing my face and eyes, a bit of time to cool and for those things to work...  Later, or good night.

A few more starts and a... story.

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Not as fast or as much as hoped.  Mostly little things.  I cooked burgers for several days... it is all I have until I can shop.  I swept the floor, again again, better.  I did several loads of laundry... I can't remember if one is still in the washing machine?  I will finish that tonight.  A load of whites tomorrow.  A shower was taken.  The cats and ducks as well.

I am so tired from so little.  Trash has to be finished, but it is pretty close.  Eyes are burning from exhaustion.  Odd.  Odder still, blood sugar started out at 223.  I dosed 30 cc's, 10 more than I normally would at say ~180.  I did that with two fatted teas.  Then I had two small and two larger beef patties.  Three hours after my last meal, blood sugar is 101!  That doesn't make sense.

I am going to shower again tomorrow, or I would start dishes.  Hmm, actually, the kitchen sinks are open enough.  I could get a dishpan or two going, of the smaller items.  A lot of the bigger stuff is too big to all soak in those.  Yes, that would be good. Then to bed.

Ah, the story, if you must.
-----------------

Almost a normal wake.

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I have completely lost my morning, but that was already happening.  Blood sugar is high, at 223, but I expected that.  I was hoping it wasn't higher.  On the good side, with high blood sugar I am comfortable in shorts, a t-shirt, and my house flip-flops.  I was actually too warm to continue sleeping.  It was 55° up there, which is three degrees warmer than usual...  then again, as I sleep into the day, it will be warmer.  The sun.

Tea is brewing.  I'll have to sweep the bathroom again... bumped one of the planters over.  Meh, that one needed replanted and more planter dirt added anyway.  The litter has been cleared, and a timer set to feed the girls.  Two hours after waking, if my schedule is more or less regularly irregular, that is the rule.  It usually keeps them from harassing me or trying to wake me.  Usually.  Yes, they have learned to know about when, and what noises, will wake me, even when I shut the door to keep them out.  Just as smart as any kid, on some things.

A shower, after sweeping.  Oh, and giving laundry a short warm whirl.  Then, perhaps, folding while I wake?  A next load of laundry in, after the shower and dishes set?  Then three hours for waking.  I am feeling better, if a bit shot.  Still,  every few hours, I might be able to claw my way to chores.  A nap later, if needed.  I'll keep trying.

Not a bad recovery from a near disaster.  I way overreacted, with carb tabs, but I was crawling out of both death and sleep.  I didn't have full faculties, and wires got crossed.  And, anyway, I would far rather have it even way too high than even to just 70.  I did the best I could.

If you ever approach death, and understand... or understood... what is happening, you know how powerful the will to escape it is.  Only when terribly damaged, with no forthcoming escape from pain in the foreseeable future, have I attempted to go towards death.  If, as mentioned, I am not good at death.  Fun times!  Later.

Some, but done for the night.

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The toilet is clean.  The second load, when... if... it is dry will herald bedtime.  A shower taken.  A few other little things, tiny projects, such as watering the plants then hanging them.  Leaving them in the tub, in the winter, can and almost has killed them.  It doesn't sound like much, but was more than it sounds.

I am hoping to wash the bathroom, take another shower, start dishes, and get the trash out, tomorrow.  Trash is vital.  The rest is a hope.  Tired.  Should rest well.  A few pickled eggs and a fatted coffee to ease the crash.  Blood sugar was quite nice just now.  I'll remember the other insulin when I check laundry, as I go to bed.  Good night.
----------------

Oops.  It has been a while, but I went a bit over on insulin.  I woke a few hour after going to bed in pretty serious distress.  Thankfully I keep glucose tabs up beside the bed.  They are already open, as when crashing dexterity, even strength, can be gone.  Absolutely glad I had them up and arranged.  There is no way I would have made it downstairs.  I couldn't get out of the closet area, or get up.  Wicked close call.

I ate some number, then made it down to have a glass of milk and shake off the last effects.  Back to bed.  I am probably lucky I am so sensitive to drops?  To wake from a dead sleep?  Good night.

A few starts.

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I was getting nowhere fast.  Lack of food?  Too cool, cold?  I turned the furnace up then started rummaging for something to eat.  Nubs on real food, but there was popcorn.  Not the bag stuff.  Real popping popcorn and real butter.  Not perfectly keto, but it is what was available.  Oh, I created a powder mix of salt, onion, and garlic... keeps the salt use lower.

One batch usually doesn't budge blood sugar, however two does and did.  It didn't raise it, more that insulin didn't lower it as much as expected.  I have hamburger out, thawing.  But that will take until tomorrow.  I do use the microwave for some things... thawing meat is not among them.  More than softening fats or warming leftover meats isn't acceptable.  I should get rid of the dangerous thing.  I am too old and it too convenient.  Or, for now.

Between batches, I got laundry rounded up and going.  The first smaller load is drying. I had it on low, am trying it on that again.  It may truly need a higher setting.  If it is terribly cold, or the wind is from an odd direction, it just takes more heat.  The second load is ready to dry.  That will be that for laundry.  I neither have a full other load nor an interest in seeking more for said.

After the second popcorn round, the cave had warmed.  So I started in the bathroom.  It has been mostly cleared and swept.  I want a shower next?  Or last?  Then to mop the floor.  A headache is coming on.  I collected most trash, and cleared the cat litter.  If I do more than shower, clean the toilet, and shower, it may be to just collect the last bits and get that out, then set up dishes.

If...  Not sure I will get the first part.  Later or good night.

Saturday?

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Good.  Sleep is so off, and my attempts to correct it so intense, that which day it was got lost in the shuffle.  I haven't been able to keep up on almost anything.  Pain hasn't been helping.  I have cut aspirin.  It still hurts, a lot, but within... bearing levels most of the time.  I was beginning to worry about how much aspirin was going in.  At 2k mg's, three times a day, for... what day was it?  Two days off.  I ended up not taking it the last time I wrote about it.

The ducks, cats including cat litter, insulin, and light eating, have been managed.  All else has failed.  I will set up medicine today, collect garbage and get it out, get a shower, and pay a few bills?  Today, if possible.  Then set dishes up.  That is the plan.  I need to turn the furnace up, warm up, and wake better first.

I am hoping I am seeing a way through.  No promises.  It isn't really even a sense of things, just a blind plot.  I hope to get dishes, laundry, the bathroom, and storage set up in the next few days.  As well, a few light sources upstairs.  Well, and maybe, some organization.  Possible.  Unlikely.  Will see.  Later.

Oh, right, dreams.

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Very odd dreams.  Pleasing, mostly, if not easily.
----------------

In the first one I died.  I don't remember how, and at that point it really didn't matter.  Death, from an earthly perspective, is anything from a joy to some foolish enemies... at least my enemies, to a sadness for those rare family and friends who know I still exist and have some small feelings for me.  Well, and depending how easy or hard the death, perhaps a cause for fear for those with little or no faith.

But I was comfortable with all.  There were some number of us new arrivals.  It was, if not literally, something like the locker room to heaven.  We were gearing up to take the field.  Instead of changing clothes and putting on gear, we were being stripped of what sinfulness remained.  I... know... but even so I was surprised how much remained!  Sinful, terribly, even now?  I... believe the dream, if sadly.

The sins were being removed, leaving as shadows.  A darkness from within which would darken me, as an inverse spotlight as it left, getting larger and lightening to a degree, then moving off me as it's center, then escaping away.  Sin after sin until nothing but light remained.  Then I became as a spotlight, but from inside to outside.  I became the source of light.

Neither the best nor worst.

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It was difficult to get to bed.  No good reason for the difficulty.  It just was.  Some pain began getting through aspirin, or aspirin had finished it's cycle.  That motivated the impetus to sleep.  Sometimes I can dodge pain if I can sleep before severity rises.  Although, with certain headaches, unless I treat before sleep, they will be there waiting when I wake.  That wasn't the problem, and I try to limit aspirin, so I finally got to bed.

Sleep was hit and miss.  The feet and legs, either burning or freezing, no middle ground.  Every few hours I was having to kick them out or wrap them.  I suspect Halloween candy is still costing my body.  Bah!  As well, kidneys were hurting.  And something along the length of the neck.  Glands, some sort of infected drainage, or a pulled muscle from using the neck to rise when the muscles are cold, or depending on them too much by themselves.  All those feel about the same, and I have had each... I suspect.

All in all, I did get some okay sleep, I just had to work it... and sleep a bit long.  I let the alarms go through their stages.  A torturous thing to not be able to wake.  I really pushed, inside my flesh.  Buried in a beast that can't rouse is not fun.  At least I can get it to move.  I remember waking inside when I couldn't get the eyes to open, a finger to move, buried alive doesn't quite cover that.

I am up.  Dressed too.  I created a dressing station upstairs.  It's pretty cool, which offers incentive to move quickly.  Well, as quickly as an old cave bear can.  Probably no better or worse than any other, ONCE I can crawl out.  This "morning" is a little tight.  Innards feel like I've just gone through midsection sparring or a minor match, neck is still problematic, muscles are tired, but it is all on the more minor scales.  It's the volume of complaints which have me a bit pinned.  Aspirin?  I've had so much lately.  Meh... probably.

Ducks then the girls.  Later.

A good Halloween.

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I enjoy the twerps.  The outfits are fun.  Some don't bother.  Teens you know.  Too cool for even don a mask, not too cool to beg for candy.  Been there, done that.  A good neighborhood though.  And to see a few older young women taking children around is good.  In some places giving is a treat, like here.  Full size candy bars go over well.

I was so afraid I was going to be short, I bought more.  It took days to be well enough to get out.  Got cat litter too, which I wish to use tonight.  Way too much candy, but I know a few older lads who no longer trick or treat.  Of course I will expect them to share.

I truly enjoy when it works.  When I am ready, set up, able.  I wish I could offer them something better.  But that is not how it works.  And it is once a year.  I wonder how many realize the social good, from this, in good neighborhoods.  They get to see older different folk aren't too horrible, and we get to buy them off too serious of troubles.  :p  I enjoy seeing what they might dress as.  Super hero, clown, magician, princess... can't always tell.

My size throws them.  Some find it difficult to approach, but two massive bowls of full size candy bars has their fear melt right away.  I also let the parent or adult have a bar.  Lord knows, they deserve it.  Must be quite a chore attempting to herd excited children.  Oh, it is a treat.  If possible I will always have more than needed.  Perhaps handing two out from the start.  Later, or good night.

Up and going.

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Bedtime was very late.  I kept awake hoping to set medicine up.  Never happened.  Couldn't... remember... focus...  I stayed awake until three, trying to figure a way to function.  As I fell deeper into pain, I gave up and ran away.  Sleep was a bit difficult.  I couldn't warm well.  Too tired.  Are you beginning to see the problems?  Circular, but with no way out, not always.

Blood sugar was really high.  So I dosed, and again, then more.  Which is also part of why I was awake so late.  At least that part was tended.  Blood sugar was 176 fasting.  Not superior, but better than the odd way it was running recently.  I am really wondering if they are adding sugar to meat somehow now?  Then again, if I fall afoul of right eating, blood sugar can really go off the rails, in odd ways, for days.

A bite, fatted coffee, and a dose.  I'll check in an hour.  I need to check on the ducks, the girls are fed and watered.  Baby, it is cold out there though.  A shower too, first.  Ugh.  Yes, snow remains.  And it is Halloween!  I have Halloween gold, which was my falling, foodwise.  Gnom!  It had been so long.  Candy bars might be among the lowest grade of sweets, but... it works.

Feeling better.  Even ocassional spasms have mostly gone.  A bit worn.  And I know pain could return.  The sweats have passed but some heat from resisting pain remains... a soft, actually comforting, glow.  Resisting, enduring, a bit of both?  Better.  I did gobble aspirin for the last... while.  I'll have a dose, just to ensure I can do a few things.  Later.

When it all goes wrong?

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When flesh, mind, or spirit become tortured, I see.  Not the little ways.  It is when death approaches, or I approach it, in one form or way or yet another means.  I used to think it was drink which allowed sight.  I realize now that I merely drank to medicate the pain.  Since sight came anyway, I am assuming alcohol didn't actually manage the pain.  I am just realizing things, putting them together.

The things I see...  It could be hallucinogenic suffering.  I have seen people's deaths.  Not all were listed or explained.  I have seen other things that have come to pass, recently noting Israel's bombings in Iraq, before they admitted.  While the Queen yet lives, there... is more to that than would seem.  Powers have put great effort into her continued life.  For good or ill... it's not for me to know.  Past due, by years now.  Still...

As the suffering returns, so too other things.

Better.

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Several handfuls of aspirin through the last few days and my body has stopped screaming at me with it's pain.  I had a bite to eat.  Oh, but lost track of medicine.  Cats and ducks were managed.  I'll reset medicine.  I have been off with... everything.  When the body hurts as it was, focus is difficult.  Impossible.  As trying to speak in a hurricane.

I am planning on going back to bed shortly.  No more real food, but a fatted tea and insulin.  I suppose I could stay awake for several hours to test blood sugar, then take night insulin.  Well, and set up heart medicine.  The reasons it wasn't taken was because I hurt so badly and ran out during that time.  I couldn't focus to refill.  So tired now, but... yeah, I can do it now.

Someone sure knew where to dig.  While reviewing I realized something.  If my body is in nearly paralyzing pain, it seems emotional pain has no effect.  I am strongly suspicious that the reverse is true as well.  I suppose one could overtake the other, if there was enough.  Would rather not find out, or again.  I have probably found out many times before, just don't, thankfully, remember.  The thing about some improvements is that memory improves.  Not always a good thing.

It looks like it has snowed more.  I don't have the plow on.  A bit stuck.  If I can get to bed early tonight, there is a chance at function tomorrow.  While pain has either diminished or is fading, flu-like symptoms are showing.  It's not a lucky time.  Luck though?  Meh.  I obviously don't have such a thing if there is such a thing.  Later.

So very difficult.

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When life, just existing, becomes a torture, I am left wondering, doubting, questioning my resolve and the reasons for those sentiments.  Oddly, when I turn and reevaluate, the resolve is reasserted so swiftly I... am almost confused.  I see my faith is so far superior to my doubts that... life is... just is, and I will abide it, through terrible pain.

I won't tell you I understand.  On a purely logical, even physical, simple, basis, suicide would be considered reasonable.  I have many family who would support suicide, encourage it.  If not all for right reasons even within that wrong headedness.  I am almost certain, if some of my medical thought they could get away with it, they would kill me, without letting me know.  At least the ones who realize something is wrong, probably something that can't be fixed.

If I think most of the nonbelievers know, they just don't think vets, or me personally, deserve disability.  I do wonder how many modern doctors are being taught genocide, for the good of the planet, expediency, mercy, or simple economy?  Doctors, nurses, specialists.  If an easy diagnosis and solution can't be found?  Pretty soon I do expect medical genocide.

It is quite difficult.  Between confusion, exhaustion, and pain, of late, I can find no peace, or sleep.  With winter arriving so early, and various struggles beyond, it is difficult to sort through things.  On the good side, I do believe in the gift of life and God's will well beyond my simple creature comforts.  That may be the depth of my witness.  May it be enough.  Good night.

When I am, was, will be young.

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If I remember the future as well as the past, well outside my current days...

Snow!

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And it has started snowing again.  It was in the low twenties, F, out there.  So much for raking.  The sun had been out when the ducks were let out.  Blindingly bright.  I am surprised by the snow, in one sense.  I think this is one of, if not the earliest snows I recall since my time here.  And, yet, as cold and wet as it has been, the surprise is that it hasn't already snowed.  Some surprises are... three edged swords, with two opposing blades to boot.

Aye, I have held such a weapon, and heard of more terrible weapons still.  Not sure all, even the one I gripped and swung, are actually swords.  Though if the master of such a weapon insisted on saying such, I would be reluctant to war over a slight distinction.  Probably.

A shower next, if possible.  Then laundry.  Later.

When?

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I have no idea when I went to bed.  Midnight, or half after, if I had to say.  I woke at 13:00, if it took an half hour to get downstairs.  Oh, as to closing the windows upstairs?  It didn't help.  Or it got much colder.  Now the cubbyhole I sleep in, at floor level, gets up to 57°, or did this first night.  But the room, at three feet up, was 52°.  Yesterday morning, or before tending the ac's and shutting the windows, both readings were 54° F.  When I went up to bed, both read 50°.  Generally good enough.  I may open the vent, possibly run a fan, just to see if it can be made warmer.  Not sure I want it warmer.

I have been able to cuddle in, staying plenty warm.  The cap helps.  As well, a neck gaitor.  Both of which are usually taken off some time during the night, then the cap goes back on for the waking process.  I am keeping it 68° downstairs, but put it up to 70° or 72°, depending on feel, in the hopes of getting a shower quickly.  Then, win or lose, I kick it back to 66° unless cold is creeping in via wind or wet.  Then I will keep it at 68°.

A shower, then laundry starting easy with whites.  Then the ducks.  Hmm... may let them out first, then laundry, then a shower.  Yes, I like that path better.  Perhaps raking later.  Dishes at least set to a soak?  Another smaller load of laundry?  There will only be a few towels and washcloths in the first load.  First thing, ducks.  Later.

Some things.

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Nothing planned.  I kept thinking about raking.  I wanted to get out there.  The time ticked through the hours.  I turned the furnace up, then down.  After enough time gone, I changed my focus to a shower and laundry.  Perhaps that would get me going.  Never got to a shower.  Laundry waits as well.

Why?  I simply don't know.  I have eaten.  That was it.  I never really woke.  I couldn't think or get going.  At least the last SSA letter was clarified and the next step was taken.  Another call tomorrow, I hope.  So tired it hurts.  All over, in little ways.  Have you ever leaned into something which offers no give until you are completely spent?  Imagine if that something was your very own flesh within which you find yourself buried.

I do try.  There is tomorrow.  I fear I have more empty tomorrows than some of you will know of any kind.  The price must be paid.  In some ways I do it gladly.  But if there was a better, or more productive way?  I think, perhaps, my productivity is destructive.  This, perhaps, until that appointed hour, of your choosing if not knowing, is how it must be.

A curse, in the shorter term.  A grace in the eternal realm.  And Father's will, so mine.

Good night.

A nap and a call.

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I have been worried about SSA.  It's been a bit.  I couldn't tell what the letter meant, or how final what was suggested is.  But I have been so tired.  I had no choice but to nap first.  I can never be sure how long a nap will be, especially when stressful projects remain.  About two hours, as it turns out.  It was taken early enough to make the call.

An hour or two wait time to get through, on hold.  I can still continue the claim.  They will send more paperwork.  This time I will include everything.  Further, tomorrow, I will call the V.A. to attempt consults with every clinic which might be involved.  Definitely heart, endo, lung, internal medicine, and any they might recommend.  This is going to be as fun as pulling teeth without anesthesia.  But, if it has to be done best get to it.

I am going to check on the ducks as well as do some raking... unless it is raining, snowing, or windy.  If I can at least get one bag... two would be better.  No guarantees, save if conditions allow I will be out.  A fatted coffee first.  And a dose.  Night meds were just taken.  Ugh.  Later.