Pizza!

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I checked my mail on the way to pick up the pie. It looks like my medicine is in and I received the pin number for my debit card. So, into town I go. I attempt to use my debit card to find out my balance (since I can't access my account online anymore). Hmm, the number doesn't work. I am going to have to have a serious talk with my bank. If I can't access my account online and I can't access it through a debit card, I am simply going to have to find another bank. Hey, things happen. But when they all happen at once I have to reconsider continuing to do business with them. I can't have a perpetually failing service, not one this critical.

I have offered a like minded individual a place here. He seems to think where he lives is potentially at risk of rioting. I've read his stuff for a while now, and, while in my cup, decided to offer him a place. Oh, he has guns, he reloads, he has medical kit and knows about it's use. Pretty much the type of guy who is good to have around. I am not sure I would call him an atheist, he seems more like Bane. Just against formalized religion. Anyway, I don't think he will accept. Just thought I'd mention it.

As for my lady friend, I think I will work on getting her out here. No, not as a love interest, as a friend. She is pretty good with gardening. She has a lot of home and garden lore. She is into hiking. And where she lives is dangerous, to my mind. Yeah, I might end up with the oddest assortment of roommates one could imagine. It might, of course, not work out. Then again, who knows. If the world goes to shit, like I am expecting, being surrounded by resourceful people just doesn't seem all that bad. And figuring things out ahead of time might not be all that bad either. Throw in my mother, a farm girl who has made more homemade food and figured out things on extreme budgets, and you would have quite a group. Just some thoughts.

No one will probably show. At least with my mother, I know she will be taken in and cared for, at least as long as she is useful. She knows enough people and she has enough talents and skills that she is worth keeping around. Then again, in small towns, that is how you make it. And, I can probably make due as is in troubled times. Perhaps better on my own, in some ways. I might not be able to always move or do, but when I need to sometimes I can and amazingly well. If I can take a long break once in a while too.

I do think it is coming down. Sooner than later, too. Unless major pain is born, probably worldwide, and very soon, there will be no hope except for at best riots and martial law, at worst anarchy on a global scale. Who will get the nukes, will they use them, how? What will the militaries of the world do? More questions than answers, of course. A look through history might give clues, hints, portents. The bible certainly might offer possibilities. And, of course, common sense if you can see through the political and economic talking-head jawjacking. So many people choose to believe that today is tomorrow and that politicians (as we have always known them, the ones who have sent us over the cliff) can solve the problems (the very ones they made). They think the "newsmen" are on their side. They have no clue how deep and dark the hole they are in really is. Ah well, not my gig.

For my part, however, figuring out when to put it all out and not worry about debt, just go for it? Knowing when to do what, how, why? There is much I don't know. And I am still living in 'yesterday' (as today is already tomorrow and yesterday, all of them we have known, are gone). I simply can't wrap my mind around it, and will even have trouble doing so when it is all gone in an unmistakable way. Yeah, I still have that. As much as I am doing, I know it is not fast enough or hard enough. Even if health and money weren't issues, I would still be having difficulties.

Good night.

Dishes and laundry.

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Bleh. The laundry is fine, I don't wear my clothes into the ground before putting them in for washing. But the dishes are pretty gnarly. A wash, then set to soak again for a final wash, I am hoping that will handle the mess well enough. I am hoping to get two or three loads of laundry and perhaps three loads of dishes completely done. Perhaps I will finish what of those tasks beyond that remains tomorrow, before I go out shooting. It is so easy, but still on the beat-up side of things I can see where I can't always get to the chores. Especially when I have appointments, miss medicine, or push things in other ways.

Ah, I also got online with utahconcealcarry. I introduced myself and asked a question. I am wondering if other vets who have to drive to SLC or Ogden might know of a place to put sidearms so we don't have to travel unarmed. It doesn't matter if you have a conceal carry permit, you simply can't take firearms, even in your vehicle, onto federal land. Yeah, I know some guys will just take them and stow them, some will even carry right in. I won't, not even the least of those. It is far too much hassle. I heard about a guy in I.C. who did that, I sort of knew him to (didn't like him, libtard, hard). He got more messed up over that deal than I care to discuss. And it had nothing to do with it being a liberal city. It's all federal and all nasty.

Well, a glass of wine is in the offing tonight. I am liking this wine. One glass, mind you. And I will stick to it. I WANT more. I really do. Especially since I like it. Too funny, I picked it up based on ratings and price. I didn't really look at the names. This one is St. Michael. Go figure. Some things... just work out that way.

Just writing to write. And to say I am moving forward again.

Out of touch?

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Maybe. I have plans to redo the kitchen, my bathroom, and reroof the coop. I have some notion of getting out on my bike, hiking, lifting weights, and swimming, not to mention the hopes of getting to camping and climbing. I have reloading to do and a chronograph to buy for that, well, and keeping up on consumables for that. My mother will be visiting soon. I have several key pieces of business to attend, some new some very old. And of course, just the standard parts of keeping life going, like maintaining dishes, laundry, foods of various sorts. Oh, sure, everyone does it. But compounding it all is the fact that, medically speaking, I probably should be bed-bound. Not that they recommend it, only that they don't understand why I am not in such a state.

Some days I can do a great deal. Sometimes for weeks at a time. There is also the idea that perhaps, if I keep my medicines topped off and taken properly, that I might not need downtime, or as much. Well, I must be truthful. A lot of work for me is far less than a typical day for most folks. A good day for me is more like what people do after they get home from work. And yet I have done more in the last four months, since recovering from edema, than I have in any five year bloc of time for twenty years before that. Seriously, pound for pound of energy spent just taking care of things, myself, food, visiting friends, and becoming involved with my home and community, this has been a heck of a summer. And it isn't over! While I do worry about how things will work this winter I don't let it plague me. It should be interesting to see if I can keep some kind of a push going in the cold and snow.

I am looking forward to getting my medicine maxed and seeing if that has fixed anything. Unfortunately I may have to go ahead with the angiography while my mother is here. I had hoped to wait on that until the medicine has been tried. The thing is, I want someone here, just in case. Even a few days of extra stay at the hospital could become a problem. But a serious problem could leave me in real trouble.

Yes, maybe out of touch. Or, maybe, even if crippled up, I dream just like everyone else. Why shouldn't I hope to find a wife and have children? Why shouldn't I plan to have livestock and become more self sufficient. Why shouldn't I want to make cheese and produce my own milk and meat? Unlikely as it all seems, there it is. Then again, who would ever have thought I would have made the trip from Iowa, bought a house, or even eventually finally purchased and gotten set up a bicycle, bought maps and set up a gear pack for hiking, or any of the rest? While I may never get to it all I think I am earning my bona fides. Uhrm, it doesn't mean I am not out of touch, it just means it doesn't matter. :P

One more day of rest.

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Yeah, I'm still pretty tired. Tomorrow I have to do something and Monday is a new week. I hope tomorrow will be a slow easy day, too. I won't be pushing things, just... a drive, some shooting, a meal, and home. The drive won't be a long drive. And I have some notion that my friend will not be up for a lot of exercise, commotion, or even a great deal of shooting. Though I will make sure he gets all the shooting in he can handle. He keeps thinking that three boxes of ammunition per caliber will be enough. I keep trying to talk him into taking eight to ten boxes of the two calibers he will be taking, just so that he doesn't have to bug his sister. He is thinking three boxes, but he will shoot two boxes of each caliber. This I know. Perhaps he actually wants to change calibers each week. Which I don't mind if he would just come out and say so. We plan things differently. Hmm, to that end, I need to reload tonight myself. I'll be doing slow loads as I still haven't purchased a chronograph. I just got a Blue Press magazine, and it's in there, at $199. But the whole kit is into about $500, with replacement parts and upgrades. I'm considering the CED M2 Chronograph. (not a bad rough guesstimate, when added up, $486, but then add taxes and shipping) I simply won't risk pushing the loads until I know what I am dealing with in my pistol.

Even if still a bit tired, I do believe along with reloading a bit that I will do some dishes, some laundry, and maybe a bike ride. When I go into town tomorrow, I would also like to look for a hatchet. I have a smaller crosscut saw which will work for these smaller branches, so I should be good to lay up some smaller wood for the stove. If I can, I would like to get to trying the rocket stove this week. There are other things I am hoping to get to, but mainly I want to get on the bike and hit a couple of trails with my gear pack. That is the plan. Well, that and getting ticket(s) for my mother to visit and begin getting my home straightened up.

I woke late today. I simply couldn't drag my bottom out of bed until around 10:00, for whatever reason. Perhaps that dream waking me messed up my notions. It was pretty good, as far as horror dreams go. I woke nice and spooked, with a bit of a grin, more so with the slight banging from where ever that was actually coming. There is nothing like environmental effects added to a dream. After I went back to bed, I sort of wonder if it wasn't just oscillating air from the fan breaking over my blanket near where my ear was, come to think of it. Still, all good.

Have a good day.

Some kind of zombie apocolypse dream...

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Of course, one of the cats has to be rattling the door to wake me. Then I reach out to move the covers off me and... find both cats. No, it wasn't all that scary, just made me think a bit more deeply there for a few seconds. I'm still not even sure what was actually rattling, but it had to do with the fan. Probably a closet 'door' (of the slide shut/open variety) one of the girls had been trying to get into earlier and had left partially bent but not quite open. But honestly, more a quick reassessment and a chuckle, no real fright. Back to bed. Too early.

Good night again.

The kitchen.

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Since I am having to relax a bit, my mind wandered back to wood fired ovens. Well, and the kitchen in general. One thing I realized today was that the flooring should be reconsidered. Some of it will be eliminated merely by being less than satisfactory when it comes to being able to handle heat. Stone and ceramic tiles, I would suspect, would do quite well. Wood, perhaps, would be okay if not as good as stone or ceramic tiles. But almost anything else seems a bit risky. Bamboo, perhaps, cork I am not sure. Neither of which, I think, will hold up in the long run. I think I lot of people who have built or bought "sustainable" houses are going to be really unhappy in about five years when they understand that sustainable has nothing to do with longevity of product. I wonder how many of those homes will end up gutted and rebuilt or simply abandoned and torn down because fixing will be too expensive for real market worth? If you want to learn how to reasonably live off the grid, study the Amish. Don't just try and do it yourself or follow industry (who will sell you whatever you want).

But looking at the kitchen, thinking of new flooring and a wood burning stove, I realize that the only way to properly do the kitchen is to start with a crowbar, remove everything I can. Then have a gas technician come in and remove the gas line, do what I can regarding putting waterlines where I will need them, level and do the floor but only after I figure out what I will be doing with cabinets and such. While I won't be putting flooring under the shelves and cupboards, I will need to know where the flooring and kick-plates will intersect. I probably wouldn't put flooring under the island either. There are so many things going on in the kitchen that an open room is probably the best way to start things off.

Removing the current flooring probably won't be an issue. It might have fiberglass tiles, but I doubt it. Even so, I would probably remove those on my own. Professional removal takes about two to four days and might cost as much as $4k or $5K, while doing it myself would take the same amount of time and cost only what disposal fees might be. Hmm, I might actually have to pay for disposal fees if I have it done, too.

While not a plumber, my guess is running water lines is not rocket science. I have installed plumbing for a shower. The drain was already in place, I only had to run hot and cold water lines and connect them to the appropriate parts at the proper level of those parts. It wasn't fancy but it worked. That was pvc though, too. I think I would go with copper. How difficult could soldering be? I have seen it done. I could practice with a few pieces just to get the notion down, then get to it.

Yeah, a kitchen renovation is a huge project. It is, relative to the house, a very small space. And yet it is one of the most technical areas in the house. Unless you are putting in a bathroom in a brand new, unplumbed space, bathrooms are simple in comparison, if also the second most complicated room. It is all expensive and labor intensive, even if you could do all but the required work yourself. I really thought I would be working on my kitchen this summer. There is no way that will happen. As complicated and expensive as it is, I doubt if I will be getting to it by next year. Perhaps I will have the project arranged, though. Perhaps I will know what type of flooring, what I will be doing regarding cabinetry, and perhaps a few other things. But it is a task that has to be done all at once.

What I might be able to do is choose then purchase tiles. Perhaps even buy grout and sub-flooring panels if needed, and floor leveling compounds (depending on how shelf stable some of those things are). Having the components ready and bought makes the expense a lot more tolerable, more so if I find a problem that has to be tended, like floor joists that are problematic. You never know when opening something up what might be a problem.

I would like the kitchen done for a long enough time to enjoy it should I consider moving up in five or ten years. Hmm, one other thing to consider... If I do decide to go with a wood cook stove that will leave an odd space when I move it out. Plus there wouldn't be a gas or electric hook-up for a range in that space. Something to think about, something more. Bah, some things about home ownership stink. The 'what ifs' become huge.

Crazy.

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I tried to do that little task from the phone calls. It required access to my bank account online. That access doesn't work. They upgraded their online banking system and now I can't get in. So, I called the bank. They offered some ideas, nope. Then they tried to access my machine, with my allowance. Nope. So, that little task is turning into a monster task. Until I get my machine back, assuming it works at all, I may have to just go in and access my account from one of the machines at the bank. I need to change something or my home payment will not get through.

I was thinking, because of a blog, about my first computer. It was an XT clone. It had a 10 Mb hard drive and a 2.4 Mb/s modem. With it, while looking around, I stumbled into a bank. There was no security. Accounts, data, all of it was quite open. I just... disconnected and never went back there. I just think it is funny that now there is so much security that even when my bank allows me access and I try to gain it, I can't. Progress? Oh well. I'll... get to it.

I took some pictures of my bike. But while removing it from the garage, the kickstand broke off. *shrug* I will see if one of the bike shops has an inexpensive replacement. Yeah, I could take it back to Walmart. But, at best, I would get an exact replacement part. From looking at it, that is not what I want. I wonder how many other parts will end up failing and needing to be replaced. The frame is actually pretty good. I don't know about the tires, but they are straight. I suppose it also depends on how much of the bike is one-off in design and construction (or more-off). Oh well. But I do have some pictures, in case I get it crunched while eventually riding it.

No riding today. I am still a bit under the weather. A week of daily grind after three weeks, give or take, downtime and I am done for a while. Frustrating, to be sure. Still, my feet have been tended so walking is pleasant and pedaling should be a breeze. I am back on my medicines and keeping up on things. I am taking care of this and that along the way again now. I just have to take it easy for a few days. Such a delicate creature for being such a brute. Odd. But if I kept pushing something would have broken, this I know.

Hmm, more wine? *chuckles* Bleh, not quite ready for that, either.

Three calls.

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While I was placing calls, other people or businesses to call came to mind. So far I am three for three with one more call to make. I love it when it just works. Later.

Make that four. It seems the V.A. had already figured out to pay that one bill. And I do need to change the payment recipient for my home loan which I will do, medicines are on their way, and I have the new recipient name to put into my automated billing for my home loan. Little things that have been problems for some time, things I just couldn't figure out how to get done. I love it when I get these little sleep stoppers handled. I have another call to make but it is too late in the day, I think. Hmm, maybe not. I'm going to try.

Not too late but she is out until Monday. I did leave a message. Man, I don't know how people keep up on business. All those niggling little things that eat into the day, or mind. Back and forth and back and forth, with no resolution seemingly ever arriving and more calls to make and people to see constantly being added to the plate. Still, three of those four ended in resolution, leaving only one quick easy task to make three of the calls finished business. It is more like I just luck out than that I am good at handling things. Bah!

I guess I never paid attention.

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At a few minutes to 13:00, the temperature is just at 74 F. It is supposed to get to 88 F with a low of 48 F. I thought it odd that my house had not warmed more than 70. Then again, it is rather well insulated it seems. Perhaps today is just an oddball though. I think, if I remember right when living in Logan, that the high wasn't reached until about 16:00, but they are right up against a mountain to their east. I am in the middle of the valley and I don't have trees on that side of the house. In time I'll figure some of this out.

Just a restful day. I have just been tinkering, relaxing, and trying to stay out of trouble. I worked hard, mostly by walking a bunch, this last week. I always walk quickly. I like to get there, get it done, and get back. I am wearing my hiking boots too and those are twice the weight of even my usual heavier foot gear, or more. They are probably in condition for hiking.

I would like to do dishes, but honestly, just the standing might be pushing things. I am still a bit unsettled. I am not sure how I am going to get to some of the heartier work projects I have lined up, not without expanding my capacity a great deal. Then again, I have found I can do very heavy work if I do it for a relative short period of time. That type of work, like this kind of running around, will then force me to retreat to periods of inactivity. Which, I suppose, would be fine. So long as my schedule allows for it.

Oh, I was running low on a medicine. Losartan. I had initially been scheduled to only take half a pill. Somehow I got confused, or thought we had increased that. In any case, it turns out that a higher dose was just fine, and I think appreciated, by the doctors. So we kept it there. However, the script was never changed and new medicine was not sent out. A call to the heart transplant specialists and the pharmacy have it being tended right now. I am told that it will be sent out right today. If I don't get it in time I will drive in this time. I can't handle the down-time of going off scripts. Of course, this does bring back my fears of being on medicine. If there is an interruption in access, I will be dragging bottom and quickly. I suppose that is part of the reason I will only give this medicine three years or so. If it doesn't work I guess I will just have to live as long as I can, as is.

I don't think I am yet up to maximum levels. And, after that, I need to wait three months, at those levels, to test and see if my heart has improved. If it hasn't, actually, the medicines probably won't work. At that point, all they can offer is various surgeries, none of which I will probably allow. All of them seem to involve open heart type surgery. I heal, and extremely well usually, but you can never heal from that, not fully.

One more call. I am trying to get in touch with the people at the V.A. who are denying my last emergency room visit payment. I had a nurse, from the V.A., not just tell me to go but tell me to call 911. They keep records, so I am not sure why they are fussing. I suppose they didn't check. The hospital has not sent me a bill, or not to this address. In any case, I want this settled. I have no idea how much it was, but I am sure it was a pretty penny.

Hmm, maybe after I try them (they have been impossible to contact for over a week of tyring), I might go for a bike ride, check my mail, and see how the world looks from the back of a bike. Maybe. Riding a bike actually doesn't seem as bad as just standing, not to me. Good day.

I kept waking.

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But I didn't want to get up. Sleep! My body said. I had no idea what time it was but it must be late, right? I could see the sun was up, but couldn't wrap my mind around what time it really was and didn't want to look or couldn't really quite wake enough to look... or something. After I got my fill of sleep, figuring it was probably afternoon, I got out of bed. I didn't look at the time right away because I hate waking late and would figure it out soon enough. When I finally looked I had to laugh. At just past 8:00 it was still very much morning, and for me early morning. What a weird morning already. I did get to bed rather earlier last night, though I am not sure I had a lot of choice there. I was well and truly worn down.

I am still having a sense that I pushed things lately, so today is going to be a mild housebound day. Perhaps some dishes. Perhaps some laundry. No full court presses though. No heavy work. Not much but relaxing and a few tasks. I went beyond some limits without realizing it, well beyond them I think. Oh, I might even get on my bike later today and go for a short spin. Actually this morning would be better. I will think about it.

A bit of reading, a few home tasks, a quiet day. Perhaps the same tomorrow. I might try and organize my thoughts on what I am going to try and get done in the near future. I really enjoy what I call skivvy days, days where high fashion comes in the form of skivvies and a smile. My home is 70 F, and with everything closed up it will only warm a bit more. Actually, 70 F feels almost chilly. Should be a good day, barring disaster from an external source.

Ah, I do remember what the other thing that hit me, while listening to Catholic radio the other day, was. It had to do with item collecting. Something about you can't take it with you. Now, tools and food storage items? I don't mind these at all, if well considered. While I can't take them with me, others can use them. What I need to do is ensure what I buy can be used and have a good long life. I also need to consider things I buy very closely. I think I do, but... Do I? I don't know, that particular program hit me hard. I even think about my vehicle. I could have gone much more inexpensively and bought used. There are problems with used, too, of course. Problems I can't necessarily afford or figure out and repair on my own, problems which are taken care of when buying new. I don't know, I can only say that the notion stuck in my pipe and I am smoking on it.

Have a great day.

Tomorrow may be off.

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I have pushed things too far I think. My body is letting me know I need to back off. It may just be something else, but it might be the first signs of trouble too. If I wake and am feeling better, I might still go, but I will certainly go slower, park closer if I can, and get something to drink more than water. I suppose there are real defined set limits to what I can do. I suppose I should be grateful that my limits are much higher than most heart patients in my condition. I may have pushed even the extended ability. I will know tomorrow.

My friend has decided that Sunday would be a better afternoon to go shooting. That gives me two days to lay low and relax if I can. Still, I am going to try and take four hours for non-electronics. Reading, perhaps finally getting to the rosary (technically that is electronic, initially, because I will be using a cd player to listen and learn, but... it's not entertainment), dishes and laundry need hit bad, and straightening is in dire demand.

Of course I don't know about the date. I suspect I could do that well enough. Still, I best hold off on heavy exertion for four or five days, do easy little things, and then pick things back up next Tuesday or Wednesday. I think I will be able to expand my capacity. I just can't just do it. Ah, but such a fine week in any case. Has there been a day I haven't been to town or done some decent group of things? Maybe Monday? Whatever. I have been doing quite well, taken care of many little and big things, scratched some long term irritating itches, and even asked a woman out. No, nothing to complain about. More to come. I just have to make sure I don't fall into a slump while I back it off for a bit.

I am still going to try and get to sleep early. A bit of television news, something to eat, late medicines, Gatorade, and then down for the count. Good night.

Sometimes...

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Sometimes, often?, when I say I am going to do something, something doesn't get done, or quickly. Oh, I know. I either fear or don't want to do the work or can't face failure (or even sometimes success). When I am doing better, however, I seem to be able to just move on in and do whatever I had proposed, regardless. But even when I am doing better, sometimes I avoid the prospects even so. Not this time. I have sent a rather innocuous email asking the map lady to meet with me. Something about being curious to hear more of her story (which isn't a lie). I offered several considerations, coffee or other refreshments at some establishment, the fair, or something else she likes to do. I am guessing she will not receive the email until tomorrow. And she may take her time answering. Men seem to have to screw up our courage to spit it out, women have to screw around their "No!"-machine to try and get it to say "Yes.", if they actually are interested.

Hmm, yeah, it is nice to be doing better. It is great to be moving forward. Even a "No." is fine, as that is a part of life too. All in all, we usually would prefer acceptance. I have been being treated quite well, for some odd reason. Women have seemed interested, I seem to cause blushing, I just receive a reception, often, that any man would like. I don't understand it but I have been in a little slice of heaven here in Utah. Anyway, I am asking one of them out. She may be dating or otherwise indisposed, too. While I do believe she is not married, I don't know more. And, no, she probably won't be the last I ask. It is time to begin meeting and greeting as the opportunities present themselves. Like the wine though, I need to be a little careful with something I haven't done in a while. That's... all I'm saying... right there. *grins*

Hmm, time to chill and try to get to bed a bit earlier. I'll need to be up by 7:00 to efficiently make it to the fairgrounds by 9:00, for the dairy goat competition. I have no eye for it, and show animals wouldn't be my focus, but beginning to learn to see what sets breeds apart, what they are looking for as signs of breeds, and such... not a bad thing. Plus, it gets me away from the computer and television. All it costs is gas. And I might very well see my neighbors there again. Their oldest daughter is a beautiful young woman. If I was even ten years younger I would be... wooing. As is I merely look and am delighted, in the good way.

Well, on to goofing or something. I am earning my downtimes, a bit, now. And, with health as it still really is, I probably need them after earning them.

What a day.

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Lots of little things, things I have been meaning to do, a few extras, and a busy day indeed. I finally called my insurer, about the chip in the windshield. While my insurance would have covered it, the incident was from before I was covered by this new company. Still it was only $20. I did get to the fair. While I was looking over the goats I met my neighbors, they were showing. I had a really good talk with the Mr., the Mrs. and some of the kids showed up and mostly said hello. He pointed out the various breeds and the better milk and meat goats and we discussed some of the details. Then I headed off to pick up the map. Now the map lady was with another client so the opportunity was not correct to speak with her. After I finish this post, however, I will be sending her an email. Oh, it isn't as fun as asking a woman out in person but it will do just the same. I also checked the mail on my way home. I love how it has been going this week.

I am a little tired. I did a lot of walking and it is rather warm out there. But worse, I didn't take water with me and I didn't have cash on me to buy water. Yeah, yeah, seriously. I think many people just go and don't think, just like me. I need to figure something out so that I can always take one of my water cylinders with me. I keep two, usually freshly loaded with water, in the vehicle but I don't have a good way to attach them to my belt or something. Hmm, and maybe keep packets of Gatorade for when water just isn't doing it. I probably won't be biking today but I did get some serious walking in (well, compared to my usual).

I am hoping to be up tomorrow, to go to a judging. That is early, at 9:00 I think. After that I am hoping to finally make it to the Church office and arrange an appointment with my priest, or perhaps get a walk in. As well, I need to check on auto and home taxes, get those paid and be done for another year. Hmm, it seems I will be doing something Saturday too. I will have had one heck of a week! A successful week, even with the recent 'warts' event. I can't change that but I can prevent it from becoming the main focus or a stumbling block.

I was trying to figure out what happened, with drinking. Well, being slightly dehydrated from all my doings this week, adding in that wine is much stouter than beer, and that I decided to drink off that first bottle of wine because I didn't like it. But then I wanted to try the other bottle of wine. Somewhere on that second bottle of wine I lost track. I didn't have any scotch, actually, thank God. But I did have three or four beers after the second bottle of wine. Wow, that was a slick deal, didn't see it coming, still not sure what happened. I'm going to have to watch that stuff very carefully until I get my feet under me regarding alcohol. And, yes, I can do it. (Much like if you know how to ride a bike, haven't in a while, and fall down. You don't just quit because you can't or you are afraid. I do believe a glass of wine or bottle of beer a day is more healthy by far than not having it.)

I can't believe how much I have done. I still have a ton more to do but this is a start. There is one more tool I will buy this month, a hatchet. I really want to look around. I don't want to buy a cheapo, but then with a hatchet I am not as worried about a top notch item. I'm just not. It won't be for splitting out wood, just branch mitigation and other small chores. Tooling up, learning, working... I'm really liking life. Of course I am also learning that there are real limits, that work and shopping and everything often takes far more time than expected (how does that happen so often?). Yes, it does mean my planning has to come more in line with reality. I suppose experience and practice will make planning more reality based.

Well, have a good day.

Well, no time to sit in the muck.

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I have to continue working on real things today. I don't even understand half of what I wrote last night. Wow, that was a bender. Like I said, I'm not in jail, I didn't burn down the house, if I did say things I can't explain. It wasn't like I said what was really on my mind. I don't believe what I wrote, at all.

Today I am going to get going, go to town and look over the fair, check out some livestock and what is happening at the fair as to whether it would be a good place to invite a woman, and then pick up my map and see if... I think that would be a good time to ask her out. Just being in the company of an attractive woman would be a pleasant thing. While it lets loose one aspect it seems to contain another. Perhaps that possibility is what caused me to slip a cog? Remember, it has been... five years, six? since I last dated or really thought about such.

Anyway, quite a week so far. I don't want to let one stupid thing mess it up. No more than it has, that is. Oh, I did look at tickets last night. I might be able to get my mother a non-stop flight, and for less than one way tickets, but only slightly less. I think I will go with the one-way tickets, even with them having a stop in the flight, as that allows us to arrange her flights and keeps her visit a bit more open ended. My debit card has arrived, but the pin hasn't arrived. Perhaps that will be in today and I can get the card activated and order those tickets.

It does look like I had more financially planned this month than what I can afford. The tickets and auto and home taxes will be about all I cover this month beyond what I have bought or tended so far. Food and fuel will consume the rest of my free monies. Oh, and, maybe a date or two. I'm not broke, exactly, but some of the things I was considering (like extra plywood) are rather more than I want to risk my little growing nest egg and extra spending money upon. While it can be frustrating to not be able to just go, buy, then do, it does make such projects more satisfying when complete.

Yes, I know. I still have the roof to work, I still haven't ridden the bike, I still haven't hiked. But I have the bike functioning and set up, I have hiking boots and wear them often in order to break them in (and they are getting comfortable), I have a list of things that will make doing the roof possible and the materials laid up, I have the plans formulated for the solar oven... While not there, I am getting there. As I can. And I am taking care of most business that needs attention. I even, finally, have a surplus with the city, so I am not in arrears. And I mean to keep it that way. I am simply not good at... paying on time, monthly, and such. Next month they will get another payment that will give me three months to forget about it.

Well, on to my day. Have a good one.

Oh no!

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I got toxed. Never mind, something a slippery slope of samplings and the fact that I haven't touched alcohol in longer than usual. I really have to watch that. Not sure why or wherefore. Stupid is as stupid does, in any case. Just... going around removing my idiocy where I can. Wow, really didn't see that coming. Thankfully I didn't do anything like go to town, as bad as it was otherwise. I r an idiot more often than not.

There was a time when this was more common. Then I fixed it. Hmm, going to have to remember what I did. No, I kept drinking, I just didn't drink much or often. Shame helped. I guess I will use this shame again. Big shame. Apologies, too.

I never get as much as I hope to do done.

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I am okay with that, up to a point. I don't have to like it. I can try to change that. I think, however, at this age, regardless of effort, regardless of will, regardless of anything, I move as fast as I am going to move and I do things in such a way to where optimization has already probably been had and passed. I will, if anything, probably slow down even more as time passes. Like it? Like I said, I don't have to. And it wouldn't matter in any case.

I did make it into town. Later than I had hoped but within reason. I do believe my friend started to become suspicious when I was not there when I said I would be. I took some time mentally sorting things out. Calling his sister took a bit more time. Showering and shaving, checking the mail. It all added up to more time than I thought it would take, when added to the drive and this insane summer traffic. On top of the few roads available is summer tourist travel and probably extra summer business needs for that, such as supplies, services, repair, and add in road work and other work which requires good weather and road use or blockage. You all know that, of course.

I decided to pick up hard candy. I bought four pounds of various kinds. It is what I have used when I have been on the patch. I picked four types I have seen him have at his apartment. I then went to see him. I explained why I could not, in good conscience, bring him cigarettes. After I did, I was glad of it even more than before, or at least how I went about it. If I had told him it was his sister, he would have tried really hard to get me to just ignore her or slide a little or such. This way he knows right out that I won't do that. They had forgotten to give him his patch today. I think they listen to conversations and thought I was going to bring him cigarettes. In any case, when I learned he had not gotten his patch, I went and asked an aide to see if the nurse would do so. He got his patch, and other medicine, right away.

Oh, I bet he is mad as heck. Yes indeed. A good friend doesn't do that, not to the logic of an addict. That is coming from an addict (if one who will be quitting soon, again, after a bit of a break after my mother returns home from her visit). My friend doesn't want to quit. And I am most certain, when he leaves the hospital, he will begin smoking again. You can't force it. But for now, that is what he has.

He will be contacting his sister about picking up a couple of pistols and some ammunition this Saturday. I think he ought to bring enough ammo out that we can shoot once a week for a month, so we don't have to keep bugging his sister. I can just keep it stored here. A meal out too, for him, should be good. But he says they have allowed him seconds, to his hearts content, so he is now being fed well. All good. Hopefully his sister will get him on the 21 mg patch. Look, the easier it is to go without the more likely he is to actually consider quitting. Suffering through quitting is no way to succeed. I just don't understand why they do that unless they expect people to cheat, then it makes even less sense. The difference between 14mg and 21mg patch, on top of other tobacco use, is just as lethal. If they are going to cheat then don't start them on the patch unless you know they can't cheat.

That took up my afternoon until it was too late to pick up the map. Which is fine. I remembered something on my way home, another reason to be in town and early tomorrow and the day after. The county fair. And, that would be a potential event to invite the map lady. I want to look at the goats, which are showing early in the day. Oh, she might be interested, but she will be working. However, it will give me an opportunity to see if there is anything else there which might be worth seeing with a companion. She is Mormon, so she might not be a coffee (or tea) drinker. But there are non-caffeine drinks available (and no, not wine... you guys!). Anyway, I have a potential place to invite her to be, public, maybe fun, we will see.

I need to check on flights. It seems my mother is back to wanting an open-ended visit. I think the flights will be less expensive as one way flights in any case, plus it offers me the ability to buy half of the tickets one month and the other half the next month. Just a cash flow thing. She thinks perhaps that angiography might go forward with her here, and I think so too. When I figure out the tickets, I will give the V.A. a call and look around for hotels/motels in the area. Ones with a shuttle service. Oh, my mother is an excellent driver. But I don't want to put her through city driving in a strange city, early in the morning, and all that. Yes, yes, wonderful son, yes, yes. No, I just don't want to die screaming on fire. :p Nah, just don't want to stress her.

I still haven't gotten on my bike. It WILL happen. It is just that now that I am doing at least a bit better, my functional time is being used on what I can and am really doing. You would think using four to six hours a day would leave me plenty of time to still get on the bike. But it doesn't. When I am done, if I am able to get back to things, it will be dishes and laundry until those are caught up. And I haven't been able to get to those, even, yet. So, just... wait. I'm getting to it. Got to admit, at least I am not just sitting on my bum, looking at a monitor or television. I've even restarted weighing and taking my blood pressure first thing, then taking medicine (including potassium), and am back into day-time living. Hmm, when did that all happen? How did it happen? Never mind. It just did.

Later or good night.

Honesty is the best policy.

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But it sucks. The deal is, my friend wanted me to pick him up a pack of cigarettes. Which, in most situations, would be fine. The problem is he is on the patch, nicotine patch. The combination is very bad, using tobacco and using the patch together can easily cause an overdose which can cause a heart attack. I had thought to use his sister as an excuse, and I did call her. She said I could use her as cover, and I really thought about it. But then, no. She admitted to having scared off his other friend, the one who was bringing him cigarettes. Since she has some influence in his medical treatment, I asked that she see if they would raise the strength of his patch since he still has powerful urges. The stronger patch is what I have to start out with, it has worked for me.

So, I am going to just come clean with my friend and tell him I couldn't bring him cigarettes with a clear conscience. I will also take him some hard candy. It ain't much but it is the best I can do with regards to his request. It would be easy to just say his sister jumped my case, it would be even easier yet to just not show up and avoid, sort of. But that's not how I roll I guess. Sometimes being me sucks. But, since I have found this way, even if life isn't easier, I don't have things from recent history popping out at me, in my mind. I don't have lies to remember, fibs hanging over my head, "understandings" with people. Just... the realities of life as they are, not as I had hoped they would be and fudged to make them so. Still sucks.

Well, on to town. Have a good one too.

Another day.

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My friend called, and has left me with a quandary in a request. Something about being an adult and using ones best instincts. Is it fair? No. Do I understand? Yes. Do you like or love someone, and once answered, how do you move forward with that? No, never mind. Just understand that I have to do what I don't want to do to do what I must if I can use some politics, or diplomacy, regarding it. If a man wants to hang himself, he shouldn't ask his friends to tie the rope. That's all I am saying. His friends might, those who merely like him (if it's just business). Yeah, I have a plan.

The map is ready. I might be able to pick that up today. I am not sure if I should ask to meet her later right there and then or wait a day. Basically I will have to explore while we chat. Everything is... timing... when it comes to dealing with a woman. She wants, hopes, and expects. She also fears, doubts, distrusts perhaps. A woman is often set to "No!", which means, "Hurry up, fool!". Reading the lines, checking for the best time to ask, using skill, being brave without being stupid. Bold is good, but if it is faux don't do it. Not if it feels fake, more if it really is. To be honest, I have always felt like a bit of a fraud when dealing with women. For good reason.

A lot of my experience introducing and getting to know a woman has been forced, fake, weird, like scenes from cheesy movies. I used to think there might be better. Then I realized the only reason I have to meet a woman I don't yet know at all is for the very reason their mother's warn them against men. And their only reason, until they know me, to go forward with a proposal is to make sure it happens. All give or take, with caveats, and mostly. It isn't personal. The bottom line is it is about sex whether either of us want to admit it, even in a relationship I don't plan to let go that far. It is about physical attraction. So, yeah, it is going to be cheesy. Maybe more so with my near surety that I don't even intend to do more than associate, flirt, and have her as company from time to time. Actually, perhaps more so since there is nothing but a physical attraction with no intent to act on it. A lie in a lie even if I tell the truth, which being a woman she wouldn't believe anyway. The deal is to make it as smooth as possible, as on point and away from the realities regarding the final seeming goal. Keep the proposal in the moment and clean of anything future, any promise, or anything other than the surety of coffee and talk, or maybe negotiating the details of some possible mutually accepted event.

No matter how many women I have met, it is always a weird thing though. And it has been a while since I interviewed a woman. Once attraction is noted, it becomes an interview. Her for a captain she can believe in, me for a first mate who I think can do what my long view would require. And of course, all with an eye to what type of crew might be preferred. Just... thoughts.

It sure makes me wonder about what I am doing. Then again, if I ever knew that I wouldn't be able to ever do anything. Or, something like that. If you really already knew, what would be the point, in long and real and over views? Well, that is not true. We may not know, but like I said above regarding meeting women, we already know or have intent, it is just so internalized, automated, understood, that we never dig into the why consciously, often. The plain truth seems like a smack or a jab, when we finally uncover it openly. Never... mind.

I'll play it by ear. Go with my gut instinct. I might even let you know, later. Or not. For now, piss off. I am not going to corner myself. :p

Into town.

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I made a few more calls first, the one to my mother was successful, the one for business not so much. I then headed in to town, for the maps. One of the maps was successfully created, the other wasn't. The woman working on the map will be trying to get the other map made and will contact me when it is done. She is a rather attractive woman. It seems she is single. After the maps have been made and business is done, I may ask her for a simple coffee date, or something. No, I don't think it will work. Mostly my wish for children and knowing she is near my age. However, occasional feminine company isn't bad. It's not fair for a woman to both attractive and handsome in a feminine way and all at once. Nice looking dame.

That took far longer, however, and as usual, than expected. The company of a pretty woman makes time fly. I did not have much left for shopping or visiting my friend. I did, however, stop and buy a few bottles of wine on my way home, something I want to have daily, remember. I noticed they do have Johnny Walker Blue, but at a $70 premium over the best prices I can find online. The wine I like they didn't have, but could order at double the cost of online prices. Yeah, it stinks. I'm going to have to figure something out. Anyway... Then to my favorite restaurant. I could have eaten it all, but I saved enough to bring home pretty much a whole extra meal (which I am about to dispose of in the proper way, perhaps with a glass of wine).

I was pretty much done after my doings. Not that it was all that much, just add in what I have been doing and it adds up, given that I have been sitting for three weeks. Tomorrow, a bike ride, early. Then a call to my friend to arrange a visit. And maybe back into town for the visit or at least groceries. And, of course, the map might end up being ready. Yes, I will ask her out. Nothing fancy like a steak dinner, something easy, breezy, public, and fun. Perhaps coffee at a local shop, one of the better coffee houses, maybe some snacks somewhere. I don't know how physically active she is, for a minor hike. Uhrm, no. That wouldn't work. I hate dawdling and women dawdle, even women who say they like to hike. I move when I get on a trail. Most women call it jogging, they just have short legs and too much hind weight. :)

Well, a bit of tinkering then it is time for bed. Yes, the race is back on. Good night.

Almost blew it!

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While doing a little straightening, I... lost my phone. I spent an hour just looking for my phone and finally gave up. I had to take a break and just not think about it. These types of events used to be quite frequent but I have become much better. This being an exception. On the other hand, after a half an hour break, I got back to it and... *relaxing*... found it. So, back to it.

I called about the sunglasses. I knew the price listed could not be the real price. At $94 for the glasses, I knew that had to be wrong. Further, there really wasn't a method of choosing lenses or much else. And, the order form (should I have decided to do it by phone) seemed to not quite have a way of putting in all the information. So I called and... perfect. They train their call taker to be guides for use, fit, and the rest. I had a wonderful conversation with the woman about what is available, my uses, options, and such. Her recommendation was actually the lower priced option, her next was a mid-range option. How much more can you ask, then simple honesty? Sum total, the cost of the glasses runs from $250 to $400. I am thinking about one of these, and will order when my card arrives (bank card got lost, another on the way). It takes two weeks. As for a second pair? When I call I am going to ask if they have goggles that will fit my prescription. The goggles I looked at seemed to indicate they only fit low to medium scripts. Not really my thing, or from what I am told. These are the goggles I want. Okay, I have that on tap.

Next, I called the library at the USU, got transferred to the map makers (and they are open most of the day, not just a spot thing!). I spoke with the woman there. Another good conversation. With waterproof paper, maps are $6 per for 4x4 and under. They can and will help me find areas with hiking potential, they know the area to a degree or at least have worked with enough people to act as minor technical guides and what hikes to take for specific things. Nice. She gave me an online source so that perhaps I could take a general look at hikes. I think I have been there. If it is the place, they only have a few hikes locally and some of those are well beyond my capacity to start things off. I will find out shortly.

Now I just need to look up some hiking choices, perhaps consider a few others from guidance by the library folks, call my friend, and do some shopping and maybe stop in for a quick visit. I didn't get the bike ride in this morning but I still have time. No dishes or laundry going either, but I have been a bit busy and too frustrated when not technically busy. Yeah, it's started though. I should be back on track in no time. Oh, best set up my medicine and take it. I did also find the new medicine sheet of changes while I was looking for the phone. (But I still can't find the glasses scripts I picked up yesterday, I found the old one while digging, BAHHHH!). Anyway. Remember that "wheels on ice" analogy? Yeah, well. There she be!

Ciao.