Still sleeping a lot.

.

.

But better, mostly.  After eating, a bit of bloat.  Rice, beans, and cheese.  A few spices, including my hot mix.  A fatted coffee and two cans of plain carbonated water.  Hmm, while the beans and cheese might have added to it, I suspect it was the water.  I drank it a bit fast, after a few days of mostly fasting.

For a short bit, I couldn't tell if the pain was from internals or something else.  After exploring what increased and decreased the pain, I realized it was a bloat stitch in my mainly right side.  Good to know.

Better, mostly.

.

.

My innards are less painful.  I checked blood sugar.  It was 103.  Not absolutely superior, but having had a large portion of beans before bed, better than feared.  Still sleeping a lot.  Still getting over the loss of Sassy.  Stupid cat.  She is at rest, not suffering.  Good things.

I made more rice today.  It won't last.  Though this time I will set some aside.  Not to be mixed with other stuff.  Rice pudding, with raw cream, cinnamon, and allulose, hot or cold, is easy enough for me to eat.  Sometimes not much else sounds good.

When the shadow government is defunded...

.

.

Watching strange things happening.  In the US and abroad.  The death of rap music?  The end of second home condos?  Germans actually getting real elections.  The death of (woke) comics, Hollywood, even academia?

Amazing how much fraud was supporting fake things, here and there.  Not that it has fully stopped.  Trump pulled doge away far before it had even really more than started.  Too many politicians of every stripe depends on the fraud, grift, and else.  Both personally and financially, as well as politically.  It's how they stay in office as much as how they get richer.

Another chuckle worthy notion.

.

.

I saw the proposition posted somewhere.  How long would it take the Punisher to catch Dexter.  First a grin.  Then a chuckle.  And, at least on the inside, for the initiation moments, a mirthful roar.

He... can't find Dexter.  We ARE Dexter.

A difficult day.

.

.

Had planned to get to town today.  But my internals are bad.  Bruised, dented, dinged, or something.  Through with a heavy headache and exhaustion.  Mother is never happy about changes.  I texted her rather than trying to argue with her.  At least I didn't just ghost her.  It's been a while since internals were the issue, or even an issue.  I have to watch my food intake closely, see if the particular carbs I am trying are just too hard on my fragile system.  Beans in particular, or the volume of carbs. 

Nearing ten thirty but there is no way I can get up, showered, and get out.  Way too rough today.

A cold one.

.

.

Not... that kind.  Must admit, beer has been on my mind.  But, after Bud cut it's own throat, I decided big business, and bad business, should just be avoided.  No alcohol, no tobacco, no cars, no women.  There is mother, but I was pretty sure how that was going to end.  If, too, I realized it would be possible to get her ready to be in her own apartment.  If... that was possible.

Yes.  I really did have this sort of planned.  I suspected long term wouldn't work, but too, I knew she wasn't ready to live solo.  She is now, or as well as she can be.  I did what I could do for her.  Before you judge, understand, I didn't want company.  I am busy dying.  Fiddling with someone in my dying place is... uncomfortable.  I gave what I could, for as long as I was able.

Good, bad, hilarious.

.

.

I am very glad I didn't bury Sassy yet.  I took her coffin out last night.  To again say goodbye, see her not hurting and at peace, as well to show Mittens (Marmalade).  Mittens sniffed, and put her paw on her... spent a bit of time with her, then took off.  She did very well.  She knew, but seeing is more sure.

Sleeping a lot.  The bad.  Covering for stress.  Dreaming of better things, times.  But resting very well.  Cooling enough to enjoy rest, sleep.  The sting is deep and painful.  It means I loved, still do.

One of the more difficult tasks.

.

.

I had Sassy put down today.  It's been... an understood necessity for months, nearing a year.  I knew it had to be done.  I scheduled it to give us a final two weeks, after stalling a month on top of that.  She knew.  She was ready.  She all but begged for it.  Neither of us, no matter our delays and preps and all, were ready.

I went with her, stayed with her.  Watched over her as she slept.  Stayed with her in form and spirit as she died.  I cooed as I could, prayed, cried.

Dreaming, living, forever.

.

.

Perhaps you remember when I suggested time, for me, moves slowly?  A day is more like a year, as I sense things.  Mother, and others, suggest, especially as they age, that time moves faster and faster.  I remember a few times in my life when that was true.  Months, a few years.  Mostly, though, for me, time has been an absolute crawl.  To the point, in an odd way, wherein I almost seem to remember what is going to happen better than what did happen?

I... think you would have to have... been, lived, there.

The weather!

.

.

She blows!  From the low hundred, to the sixties, to the nineties, to the seventies, to the nineties, eighties, seventies.  Jumping in days.  Three days ago it was 95 (supposed to be, got to 97 actually).  The day after, it was down o 84.  Yesterday was 74, and today is supposed to be the same.  Temperature variability is taking my legs out from under me.  Was already tired, from heat exhaustion.  These large swings are absolutely destroying me. 

Well, not... painfully.  I just need more, deeper, darker, sleep.  No real choice.  Was having leg cramps for a bit.  But have acclimated, mostly, to the cooler weather.  As well, am down to one part time ac, if also with a fan yet going.  If the fan is on a half not full setting.

On the edge of being very ill.

.

.

Have you ever had nausea on the periphery?  Some other senses of illness too.  As if poisoned, or coming down with something?  Or both.  Nothing full blown, a fully bloomed pathological condition(s), or not fully activated, but like a hazy day versus a clear one, something obviously distinct.  Causes or causes unknown?  Well, that has been the way of things for... quite some time. 

Not quite taking me to me knees, but not quite letting me get to my feet.  I thought, maybe, it was from taking too many painpills, in too short of a timespan.  But, no.  I have taken various sorts of those for the last four days.  And higher doses (not by daily allowance but by single doses).  However, I thought back.  I have been... on the edge of illness for... quite some time.  Painpills don't seem to have improved or deteriorated my condition.  Only made my tender feet a bit more manageable.

Such dreams!

.

.

It seems even my compliments are barbed.

Ah, he noticed.

.

.

I read two blogs daily.  Multiple checks on each.  One is hopium, for a traditional mindset, more traditional.  If it uses a lessor form of beauty, often snark, and sometimes rhetoric that is plainly known and ignored by the opposition and our dear leaders who aren't on our, or the right, side.  Thune isn't missing any points, he is simply compromised, for example.

The other blog is a smart boi.  A fine lad.  He... does the math.  Looks deeply.  Looks for what others missed and... attempts to fill in the blanks, leverage the datas, sort the problems.  And... comes to conclusions... which were obvious.  On the good side, when he realizes the assumptions, givens, and proofs he had been working with, or developing beyond or within, are wrong?  He... admits it.  Very... unscientific of him, to be honest.  But, he isn't a midwit as most scientists really are.

Worse.

.

.

My feet are bad again.  Not the worst they have been, definitely not good.  I am back to wearing croc's while I sleep.  Not the most comfortable sleeping arrangement.  Simply better than the other options.  I may have to move on to wearing laced shoes, at least for as long as is possible through the night.  At some point, those can become too hot, restricting.  By then, though, they have done the job.  Or, if I still feel like support is yet required, I can put the croc's back on.

Misery.  When feet hurt like this, ache all the time, difficult to walk on, life gets rough.  If you ever wonder why a wild animal, or even domestic, or pet, goes crazy on people?  See if the critter was in pain.  Especially intractable, severe, debilitating pain.  Thankfully, I can reason my way through most of that, if I can be rather stubborn or grouchy, especially when asked to push through.  Ah, painkillers.  I took the bottle.  I may have the last dose or two.  That helps, if I rarely use it.  It stops helping quickly, if abused.

Unless she got up here and gobbled the last of them?  They seem to be missing.  *sigh*  She will be gone soon. 

Later.

So much for cooling.

.

.

The last two days have hit 97.  I had to go to town yesterday.  It was brutal as it heated.  It was just hitting 97 when we returned.  I was on fire.  I got in what I remembered, then got up here, with both ac's running to beat the band, and the fan on full blast.  Stripped to as close to the bone as possible.  The laid out as flat, quiet, and bare as I could.

Even so, it took an hour to cool enough to begin sleeping.  Brutal, absolutely crushing for me.  I had acclimated to the heat.  While the high 90s to low 100s are a test, when it cooled off so deeply and quickly, my acclimatization vaporized.  That heat fried me.

Better?

.

.

Worse?  Which way?  When?  Feet are back to suffering, but mildly.  Just tender, not agonizing.  Prayers slipped, on that front, for a bit.  If I suspect those prayers aren't required daily.  And, at some point, not specifically.  Once a series of prayers for protection have been invoked, over a small period of time, possibly just once, from then on, a small inclusion in regular prayer life should suffice.

I think my feet hurt because of natural causes currently.  The cooling, the extra sleep, and a few other things.  I might be able to manage them a bit more actively again.  And maintain extra prayers, both for protection and for healing/health.  But I do live in a roughed up body.  It has survived what kills most, surviving many often lethal experiences.  It... is going to hurt from time to time, here, there, sometimes everywhere.

Trying to sleep.

.

.

Bromancing death.  Something.  Mom keeps bugging me.  I need sleep, rest.  She, as with pets, needs far too much attention.  A wife could be attended, in and out of bed.  Others not so much.  Though, sometimes, I would want alone quiet time, away from even a wife.  Two to three nights of the week, to sleep alone.  Nights?  Nights and/or days. 

She needs validation, conferring, discussion.  I am so far from that.  I would like to try to teach a wife such things.  Mothers can't be taught.  The older they get, often, the more regressive they get in that way.  Becoming more childlike in that needy way.  I can't hate, for it.  I just can't help.  Not my area, gig, such.

A good sleep.

.

.

Cool out there, 66 currently, as far as you can trust weather services.  Up to a high of 82, or so.  Dark?  It is now, as it should be.  Not sure if it was overcast.  I don't remember waking, looking, or just seeing.  But the cool allows, almost requires, sleep.  Until I get used to it.  I always hope for gradual cooling (or heating).  When the environment jacks the temp, either way, quickly... or switches between extremes quickly, I fail.  I can't manage large swings well.

Who can?  But people do.  Like?  Mostly no.  But people still wake, dress, go to work, and else.  I simply sleep.  No choice.  It went from the mid 90s to low 100s to 60, now 80, in days.  Absolutely crashed my already weakened by mom stress system.

Had hoped.

.

.

The plan was to push through the night, staying awake to at least get to the dairy.  Nothing else.  But that... just can't happen.  The dairy, I don't think, would have been legitimately open yet.  But I am crashing so hard just going upstairs is proving difficult.

I could try for later.  If I wake early enough.  Though, if the cows are still partly or fully dry, might not be anything left.  It sucks to be a cripple at times.  I... just want to go.  And... I can't.  Ugh.

I keep looking at new vehicles.

.

.

Oh, not looking for a great deal.  They could cut the price by seventy percent and I wouldn't buy a new vehicle.  Truck, SUV, car (if... they still make cars?), there isn't anything available, that I am aware of, which is worth buying.  From infotainment to data collection to recalls (and recalls that aren't happening but should be) to failures of manufacturers to honor their contractual obligations to service warantees.

No, what I am looking for is a change in the process.  To be honest, it looks like manufacturers were given an offer they couldn't refuse.  Basically, they can still make, and sell, automobiles.  But they have to be of extremely low quality, irreparable, and exceedingly expensive.  Just disposable toys for the rich.