I'm going to try.

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I probably won't make it to town today, not during the day.  I was, at least, awake in time.  I simply could not get going.  Further, I want to do some small things to clean my home just a bit before help arrives.  The bathroom, trash out, kitty litter boxes, and maybe open the doors and windows to allow for fresh air.  Yes, yes, a bit of work.  I know I can get to some of it, maybe all of it, just not that and a trip to town.  Or, not when I had hoped to go.  If I am doing okay after I finish, I may yet end up in town but later.  I really want to get a few bulbs and a few other things in town, and a hot meal. 

While dreams have backed off a bit, I still see women almost every night.  Intensity seems to have let up.  I still don't quite get that.  Usually this happens when coming out of the medicinal coma, not potentially going into it.  Unless I still had enough of the medicinal effect that starting medicines was more like the end stages of that startup cycle.  I simply don't know.  And I have been able to keep the darkness at bay.  I haven't been able to be all that functional, but I have been able to get to, then maintain days, and to be more aware.  Yeah, something odd in there.  Or...  Perhaps my heart has improved enough that the effects of medicine are different, that I can handle the load a bit better?  Terrifyingly hopeful, that last.  A few more stages and I might even begin to know one ounce of what you know of as a human life.

I have said that even at my age, and in the shape I am in, if I could get back to health as most of you know it, I would run the game.  I am not typical.  Even mostly dead I am Olympian, and more, much more, for my health level class.  If I can learn to walk at will, I will be sprinting soon after.  I may figure out how to guarantee my gasoline isn't stolen in town, a mechanical fix so that my tank cover can't simply be opened.  A locking gas cap was absolutely useless.  I was spending $300-400 on gas, and that is impossible for me to maintain, and it wasn't from driving.  College towns do have their serious downsides.  Hmm, might actually call around about that before I begin cleaning.  Yes, a body shop might be able to install a hidden lock mechanism.

Later.

Dithering betwixt here and not.

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I have retained my mental faculties, but my flesh remains uncarriageable.  I cannot make it function.  Tomorrow, I hope to do a bit of work and take a little trip.  It is a goal, not a promise, and certainly not a surety.  Hmm, and I ought to check my blood sugar.  Yes, I keep forgetting to do that.  One morning then the task has slipped my mind.  I will do it when I take meds tonight.  Bleh.  I hate having to try to remember things in this sort of condition.  I just want to sleep, mostly.  Everything is an effort.  But I am trying.

I do have to work at staying awake.  Gaming helps, blog writing and reading, and sometimes simply thinking.  I have an article or three to write, more haiku to ponder, and things to do.  I will keep trying to just keep this side of the void, escaping further into life when able, and enjoying the little pleasure of this painless condition.  Bedtime, I think.  If I want to be up early enough to go to town in the day.

Be well.  Good night. 

Limbo.

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Nothing sexy or witty today.  Nor for the past weeks.  Worse has been know... or unknown but lost.  No better has been held, save in dreams.  On the edge of greater darkness I linger, looking for a handhold so as to prevent a slide into the abyss.  I cannot be sure if something has been found or if the mere effort is keeping me close enough to the edge to at least see some light.  Never before have I been this close and yet been able to try.  I cannot tell you of that darkness, only hope you never come to know it.  Painkillers, native or manufactured, cannot help you there, as little of it as you will feel it is worse than most could bear.  So, even numb and rough I cling to the brink with everything I can muster.

Snuck out, I did, I did.

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It may not seem like much to do.  But to me, it was the sun, moon, and stars rolled into a trip.  A meal was eaten, a bit of shopping was done, a return trip.  I enjoyed a sensation as if I had gotten away with the crown jewels and a quick little kiss squealingly, gleefully, stolen from one of the fairer, oh so ready, princesses.  Well, maybe not that good.  Work with me.  Odd thing happened.  Where I was eating dinner, I heard three songs played, songs that I have played here, songs you will never hear on the radio, certainly not together.  I was so shocked, when I realized, that I didn't get which ones.  Mazzy Star, a hard rock/heavy metal male group, and maybe Nightwish?  I was absolutely stunned.  Then the music went back to the worst of the modern dance musac.

Now, while you might hear Mazzy Star, and very rarely but possibly Nightwish, or even a heavy metal song, to hear them together, out here in rural-land, at any point in time, is a coincidence that cannot be.  What happened I cannot say.  I will say that it was not some accident of fate.  Oh, I enjoyed it, I just don't believe it.  I was so shocked, when I realized I was listening to my music, I couldn't remember the groups, save Mazzy Star's song.  I know I played the heavier guy band one recently, but... I simply was so shocked I couldn't pull it up.  Is my blog being used for a playlist on some radio station?  Could someone at a small restaurant in the middle of the night know me and have my music on a device?  Crazy, baby.  Yeah, I know, I am paranoid.  But this happened.  And it IS crazy.  Beautifully crazy, but...  I'll take any little such gift, accident or directed gift matters not.  A gift of fate or forethought is yet a gift, and this a sweet one.

I couldn't cool the rig down quickly upon returning.  And I almost left the Xt'er lit and sitting in the drive.  I went out to collect a food dish for Sam, however, realizing they hadn't received their last meal for the day.  Doing that saved me a bit of a tank of gas, or worse.  Being that I don't go out often, she might have bled herself dry of gas.  Ugh!  Yeah, well, when everything is a strain and forgetfulness is the way, life can become very complicated very quickly.  I just got lucky.

Oh, last night, I met the new missionaries.  They are... well... girls!  Urhm, young women I should say, no longer children these.  I have met many missionaries.  I have heard that they have women type missionaries.  I just was beginning to think there must be something akin between dwarf women and Mormon missionary women.  Oh, I have seen many quite attractive LDS women, don't think otherwise, but nary a missionary.  In any case, since there is no lady in residence, for propriety's sake, they must have a local woman in attendance when they visit.  Fair enough.  Should I send my daughters out I should like just such safeguards.  Doesn't matter that these younglings are daughterlings to me.  In any case, they offered to help. 

So, before too long, I may get some help cleaning the home, the kitchen would be of primal interest.  I let them know that I can help, I just have to be... helped to help, urhm, told what to do.  I have some goals between now and then, though.  I want to clean the bathroom one more time.  A clean bathroom isn't just a gift to women, but a need.  Well, and get some things cleaned and cleared to get rid of some malodorous afflictions around and about.  See, they are already helping... if I can... figure out how to get to those things.  Gah!  I feel such a fool.  I am curious to see what difference young ladies will bring to the conversation of their work.  As I have said, discussing God is always a good thing, especially, at times, with those who have a slightly different take.  Oh, and nary a beard, not even a likeness of form or voice! 

Oh, well, and I haven't continued to fall.  Normally, at the pace I was going into that dark, I would be hitting psychic blindness by this point.  That I got out, that I am contemplating a cleaning work order or three, the music, then women missionaries?  Just a delightful set of... instances... have me quite... curious about the world, ways of things, and how things work all over again.  As a child who is introduced and enjoys the first strains of a new love of music, perhaps Vivaldi's Four Seasons, or  Greensleeves done by a traditional group, or the first hearing of some of the truly wonderful music of the faith. 

So much shock in such a short order.  I tell you, the planet is shifting or something.  But I will take it and just enjoy the little gifts.  Satan may have abandoned me, and good riddance, in my personal hell, but Father hasn't.  He walks even here.  Later.

Sneaking out.

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I'm not exactly sure what is blocking me from getting out.  When I become ill I feel as if I am locked away by something that won't let me out.  It's not like a guard, more like a parent to a child or a nurse to a patient.  I can't explain it fully.  Only, that when I have enough energy saved up, I attempt an escape.  If I get caught, you ask?  Well, it is more that I don't make it out.  I run out of energy and my plan fails, that's all.  It's like the nanny has a zapper or something.  Having said that, the goal is to sneak out tonight. 

I won't be doing anything fancy.  Perhaps a meal, maybe a little shopping, but just getting out would be quite nice.  Last night, when I had my smoke, I took it outside.  It was... quite nice.  Fresh air?  Really?  When did they invent that.  The cool of the night, the dark, a breeze...  I miss that.  So many of you "face" that, nearly every day.  When it isn't mild enough for you to ignore, you curse it for one extreme or another.  I tell you, you know not what you have.  I can't remember the last time I was out before this.  It's been a while.  I have been meaning to get out.  Several events and invitations, looking over the garden, pulling the hoses and such in for the winter.  I did make an appointment... a while ago.  Just happenstance.  I suppose I have about a one in ten chance, on any given event, whether I make it or not.  Perhaps less.  Yes, a night out.  I might not make it but... we will see.

I keep looking around my place, the mess.  I consider doing little things but as I begin I forget what I was doing and get lost back into myself.  Even thinking is difficult, though today that seems quite back in order.

Wednesday, is it?

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I am doing very well, inside, today.  The rest of the world has no connection here, however.  It hasn't since shortly after returning home.  Usually I haven't been this good, even inside of me.  Today is a pleasure, a short reprieve as I head into the healing cocoon.  Though, I am trying something else, this time.  Calling on the beast, the animal, inside.  I refer to him simply as the Beast.  Not as in the devil, mind you.  He is purely physical.  Food, fuck, fight, run, it is what he does and like few others you will ever have known.  He doesn't die well, he doesn't care about propriety, civility, or even duty in the end.  Purely animal.  He might be able to help me stay awake and I may be able to help him become human, or... as human as I am.  Perhaps even moral.  Though I do think animals, in some ways, know morality as human like beings have forgotten.  It was known, once, as they walked in the Garden.  Lost, but neither forgotten nor ended.  It will be were they will live again.  Perhaps even some who wouldn't have been thought to ever enter there, such as myself, will be there as well.  Truly the lion lying with the lamb.  Not a goat, not I.

I think some part of me knew it was Wednesday.  I have looked at the calendar several times today.  I missed an event I wanted to attend yesterday, and had put the notion into my mind several days before, including the day.  But what I do for one process does not effect or contribute to the rest of my existence.  Much as you might be able to automatically do some math process, or mechanical trick, to do some specific thing or task you do, but not being able to simply, easily, or automatically do that same thing outside of a specific context.  My mind is fractured, more so when I am in the 'zombie zone'.  No bother, just and understanding.  Wednesday, is it?  Yes.  And I will have forgotten that by tomorrow, which will be Thursday so today will no longer be relevant, or correct.  I will probably forget by later this afternoon.  Hmm? 

It is good to have a day back, as weak as it might seem to you.  My thinking, in my head, is clear and concise.  I can manipulate complex thoughts, work in memory, develop scenarios, contemplate the future.  Something that has not be available, mostly, lately.  A touch of vodka, a little sugar as well, just a touch of what they say brings death?  Who knows.  That on top of medicine.  Or a medicine of it's own sort.  I will take it, but not pursue further.  Just an occasional dose or it gets far too much to handle, medicine become poison, or at least an addiction.  Never the who, just... rambling as I dance through the nether on my way to a temporary oblivion. 

Take those little breaks when you can get them!  I have learned to enjoy the little things, just as much... no more... than the big things.

A bit of a toast last eve.

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To be honest, my dreams of late have unnerved me, just a bit.  While I am no more, or less, tired from them, just that much feminine proximity? access? something, breaks down my gui (gooey).  It must alter my brain waves, changes my body's chemical productions, and messes with my various mental aspects.  I can only imagine that an extended honeymoon might do such a thing.  Even when I keep it purely dream, when I can, and I do try to resist.  A woman wouldn't kill me, now, as doctors have tried to indicate.  But she would eat a lot of my masculinity and bravado, for as long as she could handle it.  After that initial collision of her moon and my earth, there would eventually be a cycle created, hopefully, keeping us both in a better, truer, rotation around the sun that is God.  Yes, I see it clearly now.

In any case, with a twitch regarding sleep, I thought a bit of a drink would be good.  A little vodka, a regular coke, a little stir.  Oh, that went down like, well, it was very very good.  One, my alter ego asked?  Well, it would be wise, suggested I.  Yes, but wisdom is for sissies, says a.e.  True, but there is nothing wrong with walking a bit more of the feminine if it is right, says I.  Urhm.  I lost.  Or won.  Depending on how you see things.  Two more stout sips, and a cigarette to add an extra touch to the biological profanity at hand.

Sleep was not had until almost 2:00.  I can't swear I dreamed of women, though I do believe so.  I can't remember the dreams, only the physical affects upon waking, which I did several times in the night.  Too much fluid would have waken me to relieve anyway.  Yes, all symptoms of arousal my physique exhibits were there each time I awoke, right to the final wake at noon.  Potent, I tell you.  And, no, I have no guilt about dreams, not these, only about that which they can, seemingly unstoppably at times, lead.  I fight a good fight but some wars, battles anyway, cannot be won.  I do well, given the givens.

Actually I felt quite good this morning.  But then I remembered...  I would have to check my blood sugar.  Ugh!  The kit was found, the system set up, and blood drawn, the tester brought to the matter.  At 122, that is the lowest blood sugar reading I have had in the morning since I started testing this last week.  Usually it is mid 150's up to 173.  Further, that ties the lowest reading I have seen.  Hmm...  Yeah...  Whatever.  But I will take it!  Don't ask me, just understand, my corpse is not like that of others.  I tell you this and nothing more.  Nevermore will I understand.

Bedtime?

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It's felt like bedtime all day.  Usually I have been staying up to midnight, sometimes later lately.  That isn't going to happen tonight unless I simply fail to make it to bed.  As with food, I can forget to... sleep?  Yeah.  I know I want it.  But it means moving.  I'll be giving myself a shot of the stuff, along with the rest of medicine for the first time.  Unless something really goes bad, I'll track my blood sugar, if half as frequently, and report at the end of the week.  If all goes well I will go back to checking that two or three times a week and any time I feel out of sorts.  Hmm, that won't work well in the short term though.  I simply can't feel anything.  I'm not sure I would know that I had lost a limb if I were blindfolded.

I have some belief my dreams will be erotic, again, tonight.  Not sure what is up with that.  It used to happen when I started pulling out of the funk of medicine, not while going into it.  I've never had this happen before.  I wonder if my body really likes what the medicine does now.  I'm so down in the day that I don't mind the temptations that fill my nights.  Women, women, everywhere.  Upside down and over there.  They tumble, rumble, growl, and groan.  They enjoy our times together and love my... I'll leave that subject alone. 

Good night.

Exploring forgiveness with poetry.

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A rough week, and more.  Haiku seems to be slipping as my grasp on the conscious.  Yet some have sallied forth, digital alphabeticists and mental gymnasts, tripping, stumbling, tumbling, and pirouetting over the notion set as theme, with limits given.  I do enjoy, even the judging now.  Much like a master chef who is allowed a discerning sampling of all that is sent from his kitchen, I too taste the sweet or savory that passes through my editorial blogger enclave.  Relishing the nectarous poetry as I set to pick, a favor for and to the master of ceremonies.

Ah well.

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At least I was aware that something was about to happen.  And I honestly tried to figure out how to get to it, partake.  I realize, at this point in the day, I have no chance of making the event.  Physically it feels as if I was under an extra atmosphere of pressure, or three.  Actually physically and if you could imagine that translating into how you think, as if moving through chest high muddy grass filled water.  I get the idea on the radar, plan what steps to take, but can never quite get to it.  I even added the incentive of getting a bite to eat to sweeten the pot.  It simply can't happen.

I do think the medicines are beginning to hit.  That on top of being down.  While my mind is mushy, it is still functioning.  Only within, however.  It has no real means of translating thought to action.  I've been hungry all day.  There is food right there.  Some of it doesn't require cooking.  I am still hungry.  It is still there.  Such a small gap, sometimes, just can't be spanned.  Food was a major incentive to get out.  Thinking about it added to being hungry.  You might think that I held off eating so as to be hungry in order to add impetus to my plan.  You would be wrong.  Nice idea though.  I sure wish I had thought of it.

Slowly sinking, I think.  Slowly going down.  But now I can see it happening.  It isn't fast, it doesn't baffle me.  I am hoping it won't be as complete.  I wish I could fight it but there simply isn't any thing to fight or any tool with which to fight.  Attack sunlight with your eyes or attempt to defeat fog with a grimace.  I will be starting insulin tonight, if I can remember.  Later, perhaps good night.

To do.

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I have missed several things lately.  Some offered no advance notice.  Those have little chance even in the best of my wasteland of a life.  But others allowed for some significant notice.  Some things I have made.  The difference between one invitation or appointment is nil.  I like to do.  Today is another chance.  I saw the potential for it some time ago, but was unsure.  Surety arrived and so I have some hope of dragging my corpse out of this chair, doing what it takes to get ready, then go.  Matters not what it is.  Only that I still have enough breath to contemplate the notion.

Clean clothes?  I think so but I will have to check.  A shower and shave.  If I do that in stages, leaving plenty of time to dress, but not being ready too early.  It's a tricky thing in my state.  I've been thinking about finding someone to help.  The Lord knows I need it.  That I even saw it coming as a possibility was... remarkable.  The thing is, to get there at the right time.  Time is so odd.  It doesn't make sense in my condition.  Alarms can help but not always.  Truly, you cannot understand.  I do know what it is to be a ghost. Still, that is the goal. 

I was contacted by the dietetic nurse.  I had... lost track of how to contact her, but it was on my mind.  She called, thankfully.  At least I have been checking my blood sugar and gave her a full report.  At this low of a level, she thinks 6mg at night would be good enough.  Hmm?  As I said, the only reason I am not on oral medication is because it either is contraindicated, has serious side effects, or doesn't work.  And... diabetes, with me, comes and goes.  I still can't believe doctors don't believe that such a thing is possible when they have the blood tests to prove it.  Never mind.  I didn't start it yesterday as I couldn't find the stuff.  Luckily I had a spare bottle, as I was told to only use the stuff for a month once opened.  More is supposed to be on the way.  It is supposed to be here today, actually.  Hmm, right.  I don't know when or how, or even by whom, I was told that, only that it is what I was told.

Dreams.  Women.  I don't know why but for the last week I have dreamed of women and sex so often my mind is bruised.  Well, some part of it.  The notion of being a salmon comes to mind.  I just hope I am the type that returns to the sea!  I won't say I despise the dreams.  It truly is very little of what I like about women.  It is just a vital aspect of the attraction and retention of women for me, and Doom for them.  Strange how just a few stitches can mean the garment lasts or not, if that isn't... always the point.  Donning love is such an odd thing.  Yet so right in so many ways.  Sometimes I feel cursed.  Yeah, but... just a little curse?  All night, several of those nights.  Glad the docs have it wrong, that's all I'm saying.  Right through exhaustion, somehow, and without seeming to exacerbate it?  Weird fish, all I'm saying.

Haiku Monday - Forgiveness

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Such a theme has been on my mind of late.  For myself, for and from others, up and down the food chain as well, in ways, even beyond the food chain.  So much in life is not perfect.  I have played, and still play, my part in that.  No matter the intent, or love, it seems making mistakes is part and parcel to the gift of life.  I found forgiveness later in life.  And I needed it sorely, still do from time to time.  It's a mother's voice, a father's guidance, a rejoining of fellowship, a cleaning and setting of things to right, as well as we can.  It's a gift best shared out as it was given.  It isn't always an easy thing.

Standard rules, 5-7-5.  Traditional trademarks of the art are always welcome.  Let the dance begin!

Which side of the event do you wish to write about I wonder.  Oh, I will see.  I think both sides are generous, when given or accepted in the spirit of the notion.  I am hoping you will find the time to remember these things here.  I am grateful for all of it I can receive and giving isn't shabby either.  I'll start out with a couple of offerings myself. 

not for me to say

asking in earnest, receiving -

what is afforded

grace gifted, no charge

the price is for Another

received mine in spades

Not bad, at all.

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Sure, I'm not getting to things, but that isn't new.  Yes, bedtimes are a bit harder hitting.  But sleep is good, waking this morning was good, I am still doing days, though I need to try and watch that.  It is getting a bit dry and stretched at times during the day.  Still, so far, I think I can take that.  And I am going to keep going as well and long as I can.

I thought, last night, to write a post filled with bravado.  That didn't work.  I then crashed a bit as bedtime approached and I thought about doing just the opposite.  But that also didn't work.  While I do write strange things, they have to be in line with the realities on the ground, or for the future, as I see and feel and otherwise sense them.  That doesn't make what I write true.  It makes what I write as accurate and precise as my proverbial eye, non-logical aspects, and mind, all together, can grasp.  I have been wrong, for any number of reasons.  Once.  I have also been unable to 'see' clearly.  But I haven't written what I don't see.  That's as close as I get to not being bought and sold in this media.

No, I am just floating down the river.  My boat is not hitting the white-water, it is not foundering, it isn't hung up in the shoal.  It is just drifting.  It is still going in the right direction, facing the right way.  My fear is reasonable, just... early.  I keep looking for a way through, a way to automatically helm the craft for when I am not able.  A way to make myself able, to keep my hand on the controls.  I have thought, and am, attempting to loose my own Kraken, to get my monster from the deep to lend it's strenght.  Durden.  He has his uses.  Then again, for all I know, it is that aspect which is keeping me as afloat and operational as I am.  Still, if he is doing so, he is doing so on his own.  Two minds, even working for the same goal but separately, couldn't be as potent as two working as one.  

I have never learned, exactly, how to contact that side of me.  My ptsd therapist did help me do some things there.  Now, for example, if stressed, "I" don't go away.  And I can remember things, as far as those have been tested anyway.  I am not shut out, mostly, if my conscious viewing window is much reduced.  I haven't been stress tested to the extreme, though the actual white-water "swim" and a couple of harsh wounds were rather severe.  Still, they didn't involve... darker involvements.  The thing is, even if I worked to get those open, by openly channeling to that aspect of myself, I never did feel like I had made contact.  It was like talking to a wall, or someone, some thing, behind it.  I received no confirmation, only allowances.  That is sort of irritating.  Still, I will be attempting to do similar, with this issue.  I have been working on it for several days, since when the notion came to me.  Okay, I actually did get something back regarding my initial attempts at contact.  I realized that I would be allowed to watch if I didn't try to interfere.  On the other hand I learned to trust it.  It's not a psycho, it handles stress well, and it pretty much knows what it is doing.  It's simple job is to survive.  Fair enough.  But in this situation?  I don't know.

I need incentive to go there, but the darkness I face is worth it.  I initially didn't trust that side of me, and when I finally learned that I could trust it I just never was in the kind of shape to think to ask it to help.  Yeah, it takes time.  And enough health has to exist to even think to tinker with these things in this way.  Plus, the darkness used to drop on me without any warning.  Right in the daylight of life and then in deep space, without so much as a 'pardon me'.  *bam*  Things have changed, it is time to try to go further.

Do I think it will work?  What, prey tell, do you think I think?  Still, it's there, I'll give it a whirl, and time will tell. Oh heck, at least I think there is humor in it.  A bit.  Later.

It comes.

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Yes, mind and body have started taking a downturn.  Just a touch, but several steps down into the dark have been taken.  There is always a chance that the descent will be shallow. A bit of music to frame the events, and season.

Awake and still aware.

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My first day on medicine has left me rather unscathed.  Then again, quite often, starting medicine is akin to boiling slowly.  By the time any indication is realized that getting out of the pot is noticed, it is far too late.  Slowly sinking is okay, for my part.  What isn't is that sudden realization that I have no clue what is going on.  I've been there often enough that it isn't quite so bad.  But there is nothing, not even thousands of times going down, that can quite prepare you fully.  You must go through the horrors of it, almost fresh, every time.  For one thing, you can't remember such things well.  For another, while you are in that, you can't remember the past times at all, save some odd sense of deja vu .  At least I know I don't go all apeshit.  Some do, every time, or even once in a while.  Those types don't make it long.  Suicide or criminal mischief takes them out early.  Then again, the only reason I am alive is because I outlived the suicidal behaviors in what I claim to be a miraculous manner.  I will suggest not to even think about trying to do what I did, at home or otherwise.

Now, as I have mentioned, it is not that I am doing great, or even good.  What I have to lose is the slim ability to mostly be awake for a full normal day.  I have zero ability to function.  The will, want, interest, are there.  The ability simply doesn't exist.  I am, for example, hoping to get trash out tom... today.  It is Sunday, isn't it.  I've looked at that several times today but the knowledge doesn't always stick.  I sometimes still think it is Friday, or Saturday, or... hell... Tuesday?  Why not, what's the difference.  And yet it will probably get worse.  Empty, hollow, a ghost with flesh if quite unaware of it.  Sometimes I won't even be aware that I am, that I have been, or that there is such a thing as tomorrow.  It becomes an infinity in a moment that never ends, or begins, or even is.  I can't explain it better.  You probably have never been there.  If you have, you know exactly what it is like, if you can recall.  As with funazushi, if you have had it you won't forget and there is nothing else quite like it.

And while there is this, the truth is to fight you must sense, feel, and have enemies and hopefully allies.  The truth, here, soon, is more as follows.

I will do what I can and make do.  At least I know what it is and that while it will be getting worse that it will get better.  The first times I went through it, it was more like a very bad version of the Groundhog Day movie.  There simply wasn't a successful way to get to a better ending, no way to live, no way to die, and the rest of the world was telling me to just brave through, get up, and get going.  Huh?  Yeah.  At least they have finally backed off, mostly.  I've made it this far, and it is about, when the opportunity is there, getting back up.  Actually, I am doing that by first going further down.  Shifting gears, a step back for two or three forward.  All good.  Later, maybe.

Yes, mother.

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I found my medications and set them up.  As it turned out I had the one I will be taking at half dose in that dosage, from the past.  The rest I will be taking full dose.  It's a bit of a risk, but may limit the length and depth of the fall, only having one pill to increase.  I cannot be sure when I will increase that, but I will wait until I get my breath from this initial start, probably in two weeks to a month.  I haven't been off it all that long.  Truly, a month isn't that bad.  So there is some hope my body... still has some taste for the stuff, some resistance or endurance regarding it.  While I was messing with medicine I found extra needles for blood sugar testing and filled the pocket those go in.  I also did a bit of cleaning, hoping to get to more shortly.  And, yes, I did take the first doses.

Docs say going on this stuff, or off it, too quickly, can be fatal.  I seem quite impervious to some things, if much more susceptible to others.  In this case I do well.  More so since I know there is the potential for function, and much better function actually, on the other side.  I can take starting doses that are large enough to kill.  And I have.  They spent a year getting me up to dose, the first time.  See, that is part of the problem.  Then again I didn't have much faith in them, so they had to take it slow, allow me breathers and to gain some trust.  And they did try to add even more, but I backed that down on my own as I never was able to get through that particular tunnel.  I never even got to a point where I saw light on the other side.  At least I trust them, mostly, now, and the medicine.

Now to just do what I can until deep night falls, then just try to... keep up with taking the medicine and... staying awake when I can, as well as I can.  Gosh but I really hate this part.  But then I am just barely functioning as is.  The difference is I am conscious, awake for normal waking periods, and my memory is cohesive and connected, moment to moment, for long periods of time in recent and distant past.  That will all be gone, shortly.  Whine, whine, whine.  Yeah?  You try this stuff.  Shut your pie hole.  :p  *whine*  Yes, I would like some cheese with my whine.  Yes, I max out the whah meter.  Gah!  I just want you to know I do this under a form of protest. 

Later.

Love me some stories.

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Just a quick post, nothing fancy.  Don't know if I will ever see it.  I know the story, many versions of it, and others..  Interesting to see them edge nearer... some things.  Tales, fables, myths, or are they.  If not, they haven't grabbed the tiger by the tail.  They are grabbing all of them, hoping one will work.  Only the word of one Man will end it, when the time has come.

Alright, fine, medicine.

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I will be starting this today, in smaller doses, save for the insulin.  Blood sugars run from 120-150 ranges, so not a major issue, currently.  Three days of testing is about all I can do unless I can figure out where more puncture needles are though.  I don't know how fast, or even if, I will go down.  I suspect it though, as per my history with this stuff.  It won't be a slight down, as with the notion of a gentle first snow.  No, this will be a hard dark long freeze, more akin to moving to the arctic circle.  I never know what all will go in there, thoughts, memories, and such collide.  Out here, now, even in this gentle down, I have more than a memory or two.  I can filter the poison of some of it with what else has happened, is happening, and future notions.  But in there, the darkness of a memory or dream is all I have, at times.  And I have lead such a dark life.  That is what you see when you see some of my posts.  Darkness of flesh, concentrated into it's purest forms and fed to a man with nothing to cut it.

Then again, as I said, I lived with just those dark moments filling all of my psychic screen at times, and for decades, before medicine opened a window to more, more often.  I will go there, knowing this time that there is a window for more, again, on the other side... somewhere.  To remember that, though, always, is difficult.  As well, the physical affects of the medicines themselves makes taking them difficult all on their own.  It is no small testament to my faith in their efficacy for me to even ponder taking this step.  Could you put your hand in a lit kiln, even knowing that the leprosy would be burned off and your hand made whole again?  It may depend on how long you have suffered with the leprosy, and how much you had lost so would hope to gain.  Ugh.

I dreamed, last night, about giving a talk to a group of youth.  They were mixed, mostly faithful of one sort or other.  Catholics, Mormons, and a Protestant mix.  *shudders*  Talking to youngen's, of any sort... a spooky thing.  Still, I went on about it.  I asked who all had faith.  Most, if not all, raised their hands.  I asked about their faiths, generally speaking, so I figured out what I initially wrote in this paragraph.  I saw some snuffling, pride about being in this group or that, and such.  I suggested that the faithful were the majority, to some small cheering.  I asked if they realized, in the world population, that they were the minority, as Christians.  Hmm?  Yes, a small minority.  With, what, seven and an half billion people, only, maybe, one and an half to two billion are Christian of nature.  Further, I suggested, many, perhaps most, of them would lose their faith in their education systems.  An education system originally set up, at the lower levels, to break Catholicism, has been turned into a system, at all levels, to break Christianity.  I spoke a bit more, but the gist of it was to, while holding on to their faith by learning it well and deeply, and testing it, to look about and see who, exactly, their friends and kin are.  There is, after all, no matter how separated, only one Church.  The faithful are people, not institutions.  For no institution can save you, only your personal living faith can do that.  And only through the teaching and sacrifice of one Man.  An institution can preserve those teachings, present them, and offer outlets for observing serving and learning, but that institution will not take your place should you fail to do what you know and presumably it teaches.  Catholics, I have been assured, can easily go to hell, if we so choose.  No brand or life choice can generically save you.

Speaking to children.  *shudders*  Arghhhhhh!  Never mind, it didn't end up being the nightmare it could have been.  And, from the dream and my approach, I know it would never be allowed, so there is that.  My own children, you ask?  Sure, not a problem, if I had them, mostly.  But then I have authority with my own children.  It would be more about getting past the wife to be allowed to speak to them.  *grins*  Not so with other people's children, I have no certain authority to manage them.  I'll have to think about what I said in the dream.  I am neither endorsing or rejecting, just reciting, in this post.  It's a dream to chew on, for sure.  As a general idea, though, it seems sound.

Well, I should... get to something.  Good day.

Man has never been good at some things.

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There have been times when war was less frequent.  Intrigue, corruption, and other rot filled those times.  Never fear, men's failings never truly fail.  It seems war is only put aside when greed may be satisfied without it.  There have been times where disease was relatively tamed.  There have been times of wealth, learning, travel.  It seems for every gift, there comes a perversion of it that turns the thing to poison.  Personal, communal, political, financial, social, all can and have been poisoned by excesses, sometimes all at once such as with the use of drugs, free sexual mores, and the like.  Not to mention the loss of souls, a greater price yet.

Yeah, well, medicine.

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I had hoped to get to things, and will still try if I can and through the beginning of restarting medication.  I don't have much hope, to be honest.  I will be doing well to even remember that I wanted to do things as focus fades, if this is a typical restart.  Plus, I'll be starting at lower doses and moving up some time in the near future.  As such I will have two major hits to productivity coming, back to back.  I am looking at taking the first level of dose until I can begin to see light at the end of the tunnel, then titrating up.  I have no idea how long that will take, or how long it will be before I see the final light then struggle out into the light of day again.  If the past is even a rough gauge, it will take months, two to three.  I just know this is going to hurt.  Bad as it is, right now, in my inability to get working, it will get worse.  Much, much, worse.  Think about only being able to live in a moment of life that becomes goldfishesque... or at least as popular notions would present them.  Life spent in three second bubbles with only what you can think and recall from that, mostly.  Notes don't help, they often just confuse.  Fog.  Deep, impenetrable, dark, and forever for the moments in there, moments which will be lost to me once I come out of there.  A type of death you don't want to know.  That was most of my last 25 years though, so...  I can handle a bit more to get my heart back in order, I suppose.  Fack!  But I'll... do it.

Are Republicans winning the standoff?

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Actually, yes.  They are.  But that isn't their point, as we will see any time now.  Their job is to demoralize the Republican base and lose the fight.  They will do this with complete capitulation.  It isn't even about Zerocare for the leadership.  Look to their backroom deals and supposed emails that have been released.  Even without that, it is the Republican party doing exactly what it always does, getting something it wants on the backs of what voters want but with no intention of doing what voters need.

No, I got off that particular bandwagon long ago.  I realized the party wasn't, never will be, and probably never was, a party for anybody but themselves and big business.  Dems are actually far more similar than most would think.  They aren't for the little guy.  Government is only about business, who gets what in the business and union world.  They aren't about us at all.  Which in truth, is sort of how it has always been.  It just hasn't improved and the spoils have become excessive.  There are some reasons to vote Republican instead of Dem, for conservative libertarian mixes.  Not that I always do, Republicans are fail, weak, and progressive, just not as liberal.  There is no reason to ever vote for a Democrat, unless you plan on becoming a crippled dependent.  I am one and still do not vote Dem, because it isn't a good place to be in life and I won't just stay here if I find myself to other options.  Once you surrender to being crippled and dependent you will never get better.

Go, cheer for whichever you want.  Neither party is on your side.  Nor will their be one on your side.  About the only thing to be hoped would be to make government smaller.  But with no more than a handful of zealots there, and those of a questionable nature (easy to talk the talk when you don't have access to the keys), there really isn't a method to that.  As well, it has never happened in history.  Governments get greedy and expand until they pop.  There really hasn't been a way out once the wheels are set in motion.  I suppose we will find out if Americans are exceptional or if Putin's barb was apt.  With half of the country directly tied to the government tit, and some large section of the remaining population getting a little something through hook or crook, I think the answer is obvious.

For me it's just something else to hear about.  I'm surprised the shut down has lasted this long.  Isn't it almost time for Boehner to surrender and have a tear fest?  Whatever.

Self-serve today.

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I'm taking a break for a while.  I will do the contest this week, and continuting.  But if you don't otherwise here from me for a couple of weeks?  Wait longer. 

Just a thought on meds before I take my break.  Not one pill I take will prevent a heart attack or stroke.  They don't have it in them.  They might, assuming they do what is hoped, if they do that by a large enough margin, help lead to a healthy heart by making sure it has rest periods, which in turn, in theory, may reduce my risks of those things.  Rest periods it went without for twelve to fifteen years when high blood pressure went unchecked on top of 25 years where the heart was badly damaged but went unnoticed.  Will it really work?  The heart has improved a bit, true.  Not enough to take me out of the end stage heart failure category, or at least not yet.  Which means, so far, no.  Then again I wasn't able to stay on my medicine full time.  My recent break, and the break last summer, while not good, are better than ever before.  Shorter and all.

Still, it's a very rough mechanism that somehow might relate to heart improvement which only maybe will lower my risk for catastrophic failure of one or more sort.  Actually, I think little breaks from medicines are good in their own way.  First, medicines are simply hard on the body, regardless of what they try to tell you.  Treat the body is if you were walking on egg shells by bubble wrapping it and putting it in cold storage at your peril.  Further, sometimes the body has to be run a little rough.  At least my body.  Rough and natural, how it would run if left to it's own devices.  Not doing so, and taking breaks from medicine, is dangerous all by itself.  I think it allows my body to 'see the difference' and train up to improvements.  Yes, I really think so.

I have gotten to nothing so I will be, as I suggested, restarting medicines.  I am fearful.  What I just went through as to fatigue and confusion, with angst and dark memories haunting me, is small potatoes.  Like a rough white-water river can be bad, but now looking at paddling an open ocean.  Both can be lethally difficult, but one is far more negotiable.  In a river, if it looks bad, the shore is 'right there'.  Just hiking your kit past a large fall, look ahead a bit to know what is beyond you, pay attention.  On the ocean?  Good fucking luck.  Hope you don't run into a hurricane, or a shark that thinks you look tasty, or even a whale which thinks you are too close.  Shore?  What shore.  But... that is where I am going.  Not happy about it, but...  Oh, I'll survive.  I may not see you for a while, that's all.  I ought to see if I have an appointment at cardiology any time soon before I lose track.  Get that into the phone and trying to use it to keep some bearings.  No, they don't want to see me.  Mutual but it's their job and my life, it's the way of things.

Good day.

While I sufffer...

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My mind, like an old hound too old for the chase, takes me to... a better state of the body.  The soul?  It was what it was.  I have found better paths but I can't pass on the glory of those days, wrong as they were.  Without the right tools you cannot build a castle... or a Church.  Never the who.  Yes, a bit of music.

Tough day, now with sinus problems?

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I can't be sure what the problem is, exactly.  It feels like my upper left cheek bone and teeth are being mal-nipulated.  It's not in the mouth, but up in the cavities in the cheek and jaw.  I'm not having any other symptoms.  I've had it before, from time to time, but I have never really known what it is.  Slight aches from sleeping wrong persist, but are much more muted.  And I am still quite tired.  But I am up, woke easily enough, slept well, and have a plan or three.  Oh, and taking my blood sugar at noon turned up a 120 on the meter.  Wow, that's... not bad.  I did have several cups of coffee... if what I call a cup isn't... fair.  And, yes, a cup of heavy whipping cream per... dose.  Give or take, mind you.  Oh?  You should see my beer glass.  Just trying to keep sipping to a minimum, one way or another, as per doctor's orders.  *salute*

No, I haven't gotten to anything.  However, I have been looking around.  I know what I want to do, when the window opens.  It seems a silly thing, to be crippled up like this.  I know the dietician I spoke with yesterday, and my doctors, don't understand.  They don't really believe, not fully, either.  Or, more, they are borderline.  The problem, for them, is that they don't think I look that ill.  Perhaps some of them truly don't understand the severity the tests indicate.  Believe some test or my own damn lying eyes, I suppose some of them might say.  At least at the cardiology clinic they DO understand.  They won't help me out with it, but, yeah, they get it.  They do believe the testing, especially when coupled with some of their own little tricks.  So, I am where I am at, will do what I can when I can, and am hoping it happens soon.  I don't have a lot more input to make.  But if nothing is done by Friday I will simply go back on medications as that may be the only, eventual, way to... something again. 

I ought to get working on the haiku contest.  It's nice to have that figured out before the time or it just doesn't get the attention it deserves.  Getting people to even participate has been murderously difficult lately.  Busy, busy, sick, and lame.  If nothing else though, a shot at fame.  I won't go there, but I always do.  Save when the theme is to akin, to me, of poo!  Hush. 

Later.

If you had told me...

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While I saw it coming, the speed of change has been incredible.  I had some hope to outlive the fall.  Here it is.

When academics are upset by policy?  This is what they have been pushing and hosting since the 70's.  Perhaps they merely thought they were, mostly, exempt much as congress.  Tools don't get a pass.  If they had kept in touch with actual history they would have known that.  Their bad.  I guess being reported to the feds for not playing ball got their attention.

In Illinois, the governor has released the names of people who care for disabled family members to a union.  Which means union thugs have been invading homes to try to force people onto their shrinking rolls.  Really?  Yes, really.  While the Supreme Court has decided to take up the lawsuit against the governor's zero-like state level executive order, just how much faith do you still have with the Supreme Court?  As I see it, it is a broken, failed, dead arm of government at this point.

And finally, as far as the losing homefront goes, the thug in chief has tried to block WWII veterans from visiting the memorial built FOR them.  The vets aren't taking it lying down, old and tired as they must be.  For some of them, I truly do believe Zero is trying to deny them a once in a lifetime event, and probably the last time they will get to visit the monument and park.

At least Russia is doing something positive.  They are doing what America failed to do until we became ruled by these types.  I love the article.  I can only imagine what it must be like to not have access to organic food, or the horror of second hand smoke, or being just ever so slightly chilly.  As to the latter, it seems their protest of the use of fossil fuels has bitten them in their frosty asses.  One can only hope they get a cushy prison, somewhere in Siberia.  Perhaps working in a coal mine would keep them warm?  Added to this would be that Putin kept us out of a war with Syria.  The man is downright pro-American when compared to Zero.

Avoiding Hollywood, especially what they advertise heavily.

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I simply have blown Hollywood off.  It has, at the least, stopped being an American institution.  Which is fine, if their business is for foreigners, I just consider it an export franchise and leave it at that.  The anti-Americanism reached a level so as to make all of their major stars and productions toxic to locals, if they stopped and thought about it.  Then again who was it that Romans through to the lions to entertain the masses?  It was their own countrymen for the most part.  So it goes, I suppose.  For my part, I simply have declined to accept.  Having said that, I have seen a few movies in the latter years.  Most do not fail to disappoint in their worthlessness.  Once in a while, however...

Over at AoSHQ, there was a link to a list of movies that, for various reasons, I may consider viewing.  Sorry, I don't seem to be able to link to the exact post, and the particular bit was a part of a larger smorgasbord of links and notions anyway.  But they often have interesting stuff, so visit if you are curious about... things... almost anything.  As to the movies, rental, if they can be found, or purchase if in the cheap enough section somewhere.  Not all of them, mind you.  But what I might would almost certainly be different from what you would choose.

Now, I have looked at the trailers for the movies I want to see, and they look like they might do.  Big, bold, hard, different.  I don't see much multicultural or anti-me stuff, though I will do more research on the cast and look a bit closer.  I hate biting into a great looking steak only to find out it is a crap sandwich with a faux exterior.  I have seen one of the movies, Pandorum.  And, while not a super movie, it was at least entertaining and non-offensive... assuming you can handle hard realities, hard choices, and some mind-bending final understandings.  Zouch.  Truth be told, I was pretty sure what was going to happen by the end, just not all the details.  And it wasn't truly mindbending, to me, just... interesting.  Still...  The only problem I had watching it is that I was too often distracted by looking for the typical Hollywood political and social asshattery so that I sometimes couldn't keep focused... that sort of keeps me from entering into a movie.  Don't even look at me that way.  Entering a movie that is against your moral, social, religious, and political beliefs is selling out.  Believe.  It IS indoctrination.  Enjoy that if you will, I refuse.  Anyway, after having seen, and approving of, Pandorum, I am more inclined to give the movies on the list which interest me a shot.  I love a well told, or visually stunning, performance as much as the next.  I just won't sell my soul to enjoy it.  Oh, I have also seen Descent.  It was okay.  It's not really my type of horror, but beside that it was intense.  It didn't contain one aspect of the horror genre, dealing with women, that I really don't like.  For that alone it gets a boost.  Not bad, a solid good, but not truly great, either.  As I recall.

Rough, this morning.  I needed a bit extra sleep.  I did stay up until 21:30 or so, I think.  I almost, or did, stretch that a bit much.  Waking at... who knows, but before 6:00 by a half an hour or two... I am a bit sore and tired this morning.  I am pretty sure I slept wrong, but nothing I did with the pillows and rolling allowed for comfort last night.  Lower back is rough, most upper body joints feel just every so slightly out of alignment, and there was a headache, if that seems to be easing a bit.  Yeah, my exhaustion, this time, isn't just mental.  And the little drives and efforts the last few days have strained my resources.

Hmm, but... before I go back on insulin they want me to do blood sugar tests four times a day.  I just about protested, but I think I can do this for the few days they want it done.  I won't do that on a permanent basis, usually only testing three times a week max.  I simply won't do that.  Nasty it is.  Anyway, the sooner I get going on that the sooner it will be finished.  *poke*

Still, my goal today is to do a full day, if a nap may be required.  I might have to limit the nap with an alarm and a lot of willpower though.  Getting the testing done rightly.  Hmm, best set an alarm or it will be forgotten in the fog.  And, as I suggested, I will begin looking for little tasks to do.  Tasks, specifically, which will open up the possibility of doing bigger tasks when I can finally get to those.  Baby steps, always, and again, baby steps, and those are only hoped, planned, not guaranteed.  But it's all I have to give.  If not today then tomorrow.  If not tomorrow then the next day.  Making and keeping goals in mind until I can do them has been a huge part of my successes.  I have to remember, I have been more successful, seen more things done, in the last few years than in the last 25 before them, combined.  I must remember, when in a slump, that I am indeed getting somewhere.  Not far, not fast, not laudable for most, but with my givens?  Golden.

Later.

Well, okay, a haiku contest is on the menu.

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It seems foam has chosen one of my poems from the contest.  I am always a bit pleased, a bit surprised, and a bit disappointed, winning or losing.  Can't please Doom, you say?  Well, true... but like a friend of mine always says.  "Hush."  I think he means it.  I know I do.  Hush.  If I were solidly, purely, logical, this discussion would not occur.  For my part I am pleased to be quite, and simply, organic, and with split decisions not always requiring certainty or a final analysis. 

The poem that won surprised me.  I always have my favorites, for others and for myself.  The first one of mine was probably my favored, then the one about a cat's eye due to the humor of the visual, with the one about imaginings pulling up the rear but being more... generic, for a general audience.  Still, that is the wonderful part about having judges on a rotating basis.  The one which took the laurel?  I am always curious as to the choosing, but do not wish to burden others.  Our judges have been so busy in their own lives, lately.  But, having been a judge, I know that there isn't always an answer.  Save perhaps the simple "Because".

to see in the night

is to see into the soul

darkness is not evil

The nice thing about getting one picked that wasn't among my favorites, though, is the notion that others see things I can't.  In my work, maybe in me.  I know I see a lot of good in a lot of other people, people who don't see it in themselves.  It is a reminder that, perhaps, others see things they like that I don't see in me.  That goes to Christian ethics, but also to some of what I saw at Burning Man.  Now, to get the two groups to... associate.  I think there would be some surprises.  Never the who...

As to what and when?  I hope to have something out Friday, if I can contain myself.  Maybe Thursday but I am trying to be more official.  I am quite excited to get a contest going though.  I, myself like, and sometimes need, long simmer times.  I have worked up the brass to put something on the haiku plate immediately, usually, save when I'm being a big baby about something or in a fit...  Still, I know others just can't always do that.  I want em' large, tall, long, fast, slow.  I want all who can to write.  I've become a sucker for haiku.

I'll be thinking between now and then, perhaps even have the post written up and ready, so I can just deliver it at a more appropriate time.  Later...  Hmm, no.  Good night.

Haiku Monday - Nocturnal or Night

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It seems foam has been chosen to chair the judges post.  She has decided the theme, and posted her spot regarding the notion.  Join and play if you so choose and have a moment or want.  Yes, yes, I have offered several.  More to come on such a... precious topic, and with health and mind back in line a bit.

muted shades glisten

sound and shape blurred, cool falls

life for some starts - ends

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to see in the night

is to see into the soul

darkness is not evil

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a cat's eye, open

sense of being unseen, yum! -

cloaked in freedom

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the scent of quiet
dew and quickened flora growth
restful xor fervent
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imaginings come
without conveyances of day-
a gift from our nature
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I did make it.

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Brutal though.  While I am "doing days" again, finally, I am pushing it to do whole days.  Tossing in prep for a trip, then driving several hours up and back, plus a doctor or medical visit, and I am toast.  An appointment yesterday, but much closer.  Then again I almost canceled that.  Rough I tell you. 

The appointment today regarded carb counting.  As well, I wasn't sure where to start my insulin, so asked about that.  Okay, despite my... doubts... I think the trip was well worth the effort.  I certainly understand things a bit better, at least from their standpoint.  I was also orally and in paper, given information about what is what.  I had actually considered milk as a protein and fat, but they showed it as a carb.  A list of various carb charts, by levels, some added information.  Yeah, well...  I suppose I had tried to consider a diet, not as in weight lost but as in what to eat daily, for some time.  I became tangled up.  Perhaps I will try to eat a bit more often, as well, and begin exploring these things again.  Start from the start and go from there.

Now, after the appointment, I splurged right away.  Beef ribs, smoked, with tea, coleslaw, and steak fries.  The meat was probably fine, if the sauce was probably not.  Fries, I am told, are to be limited to ten.  I only, officially, counted nine.  I am unofficially certain there were more.  Ah, but that is the most I have had in some time.  My bad, probably one I will repeat each time I go to town there.  Thankfully, like the police at the door of a loud party, they don't want to see me again, or soon.  So, no problems.

I want to go to bed so badly.  I will push it though, at least to 19:30-20:00, maybe a bit later.  I sleep better if I push it.  I am also hoping that the last few days won't break me down but build me up.  So that I can then get to some things here in the house.  Gosh but I need to do some things.  Zapped though, hard.  Tomorrow?  Not so much, probably a simple recovery.  Though I will be trying to motate a bit more, and... see and do.  Just little things.  But those lead into bigger things if I focus the little things on getting to the bigger things.  *sigh*  I do try, you know.

Be well.  Later.  Unless I don't make it back to the machine.  Good night if not.

Easily mistaken.

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The way I write and the vids, music, and lyrics I present could easily allow some to think, perhaps, that I am a hidden monster.  And, while that is true, it isn't true in the way it might appear on the surface.  No man, or woman, need fear, lest they present me with what they shouldn't.  Unwarranted violence, love that is not ripe, these things have lead me down some... questionable roads.  But it isn't who I am or even truly what I have sought, only the facts of life for those who travel without purpose or warrant.

The truth behind feminism.

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I have been told, and it is obvious to see in the historical records, women have taken their seat in society beside men.  Their are more women in undergraduate studies and graduate studies by many accounts.  As well, more women, now, are working then men.  While they are at about 19% in congress, a slip of a percent iirc, it is supposed that all things are now open to women.  Women, in some nations, and on limited bases, were being given the vote as early as the early 1700's, with restrictions, often limited to widows, propertied taxpayers, or for local elections.

As progressives gained power, on the backs of improving standards of living and wealth, more nations allowed women to vote.  It is plain to see that in underdeveloped nations that did not take root early, well, or easily and is often contested today.  As with atheists riding the coattails of Christianity, living under those morals when that is or was the majority of the population, progressives road the coattails of industry.  Simply in the wake of some things, other things seem to spring up.  Things which are just as often as not quite contrary to their progenitors.  Call it rot to wood or rust to steal and iron.  As with an atheist society, a feminist society will in time undo the freedoms which allowed it to occur if left unchecked.  And it has been left unchecked.

At this point in time, even discussing the fact that women are not equal to men can cause some, many, most women, and some, many, men, to become rather undone.  A fact, known by all of history, is unknown to an educated populace... but how?  An education system run by women, for and by the government, has lead to a complete disavowal of the truth of the matter, many matters actually.  This doesn't change the facts, it merely makes discussing them uncomfortable for those who have hidden from them.  I am absolutely surprised we haven't brought back feinting couches.  When I am in mixed company they would certainly be welcome, for some.

Now, for a while, I really thought women were to blame.  Quite honestly, I don't see that now.  Feminists are, and have always, merely been faces for other forces.  Speak with a feminists, with authority, and you will understand the chicanery of such a notion.  And I did consider whether our forefathers of just a few generations back were to blame for being weak-kneed.  Again, I don't think so.  They had as much power to affect things as we do now, sum total, which is not much.  So I started looking at what would be to fault.  As it turns out, it was small but powerful political movements and large businesses which saw the usefulness of allowing women to vote.

Those political movements realized women would, did, and still do, vote in a very particular way.  That way allows certain entities access to power.  Power no free man would give them, and didn't.  The power to even consider removing constitutional rights.  The power to create a central bank and keep it for eighty years.  The power to pat down grandmother's, children, even babies, even strip search them, at airports.  No free man would allow such a thing.  Well, okay, there are some.  But they are a vast minority, and not free.

As for business?  While still cynical about the notions, they did realize putting more of the population to work would cheapen labor.  Further, with women working, fewer children would be born, which would allow them to demand that immigration be allowed, as per their needs, legal or otherwise.  National identity?  Who cares, it's the next billion in the bank that is important.  It is always the bottom line.

The results are as predicted.  Oh, yes, there were grumps like me from back when.  Chesterton comes to mind.  There is Clemens, though that depends on what part of his life one might be discussing.  As he became doddering, I think foolishness came with it.  Either that or one of those earthly angels got to him.  What did he care, he was near the end.

We sit on the precipice of civilization.  We are at, it has to be admitted, the pinnacle of what man has ever before achieved.  We are also facing, for modern nations, a collapse in births and aging.  Those brought in to do the work will not be able to sustain what has been built.  Nor will they be interested in propping up and sustaining the doddering fools who let it all go for a few more dollars, useless as those are becoming, faster and faster.  As well, the financial truth is everyone in the world owes everyone else more wealth than has ever functionally existed throughout all of man's time.

The edifice has crumbled, the floors are rotten, and looking down it is plain to see the structure was built on sand, and blood.  The blood of those never born and those tossed to be ground in the machinery of wealth production, a wealth squandered on foolish bobbles, wine, and easy pleasures.  Some things deserve, like few other things, to be destroyed, and by their own hand.  Rome, to be sure, several times, fell, even similar reasons persisted if feminism wasn't among them as it is today.  I bet you didn't know that they had the pill in Roman times, lost for thousands of years and for good reasons. So it goes, I suppose.  But women can't be blamed for being allowed to do what women do.  Blaming them for the mess is akin to blaming butterflies for hurricanes.

D.I.Y. funerary statue?

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I've sure thought about it.  Look, I have probably 20 years to get the thing done, maybe more.  Certainly if I found a wife I would be forced to live at least 30, and maybe 40 more years.  Trust me.  Wives don't let their men just run off.  Heh.  In that time I could carve something wonderful.  I could go slowly, so as to do it right.  It would be ready to weigh down wherever I am put to keep me there.  Oh, and yes, I have an image in mind.

(patina and finishes not included)

They couldn't be too large.  Simply the cost of materials would be prohibitive.  But what stone alone would cost, compared to what workmanship would cost along with it, is nearly negligible. Which would you choose, for me, if you had the option?  The top being a mixed breed, the bottom being the angel of death, victorious, most likely one of the good ones often credited as such, St. Michael or St. Gabriel, not Abbadon or Samael, mind you.  True, the Catholic Church does not sanction, to my knowledge, assigning tasks to specific angels.  Just... clarifying a bit.

Haircut went well.  The young lady had seen the commercial for the gift in question, and was quite pleased with it.  She had thought to gift the product for Christmas, and wondered if it really works.  I shall find out when I return shortly before Christmas.  I certainly hope it works, and provides the new queen a powerful... weapon in her quest to keep the throne... sweet smelling.  :)  I told her my BMan, and functional side, name, so her title.  The Hairdresser of Doom!  She liked it.  I told her just a bit about BMan, but being tired I really just said that I thought it to be a fantastic experience.  I had no trouble keeping to my notions and survived, and enjoyed the trip.  I brought my camera this time, so I have some pictures of my hair, and her.  I asked if she minded if I posted.  She thought that would be fine.  So, as soon as I figure that out I will put up some photos.  

A lunch on the way home.  But boy am I bushed.  I have a trip tomorrow, to the clinic.  I best check what time that is.  Early afternoon it seems.  At least it fits into the middle of my "day".  I wanted to try and stop in to see my friend but I simply didn't have anything left.  I also wanted to check another store for .22 bullets but that was a no-go as well.  I simply didn't have anything to put in the effort pot.  Bankrupt of energy to the bone.  I almost canceled the haircut but...  I saw it early enough that I was able to rouse myself.  So tired.  So very tired.  Later.

Up and at it.

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I've been up since 3:00 or so, to bed by 19:00, give or take.  Sleep has been good.  I did crash yesterday.  No worry about not getting sleep, no choice.  Making it a full day, though, is satisfying.  I am pushing to be able to do that some days though.  The clouds seem to have lifted today though so maybe I can get back to doing things.  When it clouds over, especially before I am quite set for winter, I can crash.  I understand the problems it would be to be the moon, if the moon had feelings.  We are both tied to the sun, but both of us have our own... difficulties with the sun as well.  Overshadowed in a direct contest but not visible without it for the moon.  My relationship is just as contentious.

A couple of fried hot dogs with a can of chili and hoagie buns.  The hot dogs and chili were fine, but the bread... a bit of an overdose there I think.  I feel like I just drank a liter of sugary soda.  I may be getting as bad as Desert Cat.  Then again it might be the type of bread.  Well, and they have started adding sugar to everything.  I didn't look at the ingredients, something I usually do.  Perhaps the fat they used, as well.  I'll look at that later.

I went to check when my hair cut appointment is.  Good thing I looked.  Today is the day, in the early afternoon.  Which means I need to get a shower in, get properly dressed, and head to town very shortly.  Plus I have an appointment with the diabetes clinic tomorrow.  All good.  A bit of a drive and two busy days, for me, of late.  Maybe they will bust me out of my coma.  Sure, I have been better.  But just being able to do days, not much else.  And not feeling as tired when awake.  Not much of an improvement.  I'll take it, but I am asking for a "raise".  Just enough to get some things sorted so my pending down time is more comfortable.  Le sighe.

Wow, I'm almost loopy from lunch.  I really do think it was the bread.  There is a man in Texas who it is believed fermented beer in his stomach, or g.i. tract.  No, really.  I don't think that is my problem, more a diabetes thing.  Then again I might have overeaten?  No, just two dogs and half a can of chili at most.  Bread.  I'll have to watch that a bit more closely.  Whole grains, mixed especially, and rye for sure, don't do this.

On with it, in... a bit.  Time sure flies though.  Later.

Ugh? Yes. Definitely. Ugh.

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I woke well, and about right on time.  Slept well before that.  And went to bed as hoped.  No matter, even with the furnace pushed to 75 I simply can't get to things, anything really.  And the blogosphere is deader than I am.  Oh, I can read, a bit.  And I can tinker if I don't use much energy.  It just seems ugly.  Is it the season?  I am getting hit with a short term cool front, which does tend to slow things down.  And less light seems to hit some switch in my brain which causes temporary zombie levels itself.  Perhaps I am simply not the only one?  Maybe I said something I shouldn't have?  Wait, that's not a question.

I keep hoping that the vigor I had the other day returns.  It was tough to get out, and even get geared for it the other day.  I did buy some foods I can eat without cooking.  Perhaps some of that would help.  Braunschweiger isn't to everyone's taste, but I sure enjoy it once in a while.  Hmm, I really out to get my grill together, that makes cooking quite simple.  I also thawed a portion of corned beef yesterday, so I ought to get on that.  I do have a clean pot, all the ingredients, and all it takes is a certain amount of time per pound.  A simple sandwich, now, though, would help.  Ugh...  Perhaps this evening, a real meal!

I did find a hooded long sleeve t-shirt, as per Desert Cat's preference.  Only I went with black.  I keep telling him that black is quite comfortable in heat but he just won't believe me.  I bought only one, to make sure it would fit.  I had thought to buy two.  But being how well I like them, I might buy a few more, and not just for camping.  These are extremely comfy.  While extra extra large are a bit baggy, it works great.  It allows for a short sleeve t-shirt underneath it, and is long enough without being a tall.  I don't like standard shirts this loose, I just fear that an extra large, or even a large, while the last would fit perfect I would have nothing to tuck.  Even this size is pushing that.  Yes, several of these would be quite nice, maybe a few white ones for under other shirts.  Great, for me, for winter as well.

Yeah, later.