Still undone.

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Tired, sore, and even with the heat turned up unable to stay warm.  No worries, as noted this is a rest time.  I do plan to do more today than yesterday... dishes, the porch curtains, more cleaning and clearing in the two targeted rooms, and possibly other bits here and there, heavy hard work is not the goal.  The emphasis is on staying limber, being active enough that I don't 'rust', and doing more good than the other way each and every day.

A dream last night, music.  When I was learning calculus and differential equations, I could sense music back there.  Music isn't one of my talents, if something I do appreciate.  I attempted to learn music, choosing baroque on piano.  I could not learn well enough or fast enough for that to make sense, if within my abilities I did touch a far corner of the notion.  Then again, to fully go there I would have had to completely go and then be there.  I went as far as I was willing to go.  Insanity, for one such as me, lies in full immersion.

In the dream, that was remembered, as was the memory of music and song after life.  Truly no music you can hear will prepare you.  You will be part of it.  Something in the dream was connecting all music, here and there, now and then, bright and even dark... a hard song is the indication of wounds, into... healing, reason, life itself.  I don't fully understand this, either.  So much I don't know.  In spite of faults and failings, as I am dying or healing I seem to be being called closer.

Dress shoes are in, and fit.  A first pair.  Comfortable as well fitted barbed wire.  Still...  Slacks and shirts have been dry-cleaned and all else is ready.  I even am working on the rosary.  I am still usually lost at mass, perhaps...  I'll check, but I think there are five masses a week, M,W,F,S,S.  Same for both locals, at most, and slightly more distant.  Need to check, and times.

Such dreams lately.  This might be more of a dream?  The other one was more, without a doubt.  Still there is something very special to music, song.  Oh, and fasting starts today, ending Sunday evening.  Three day fasting for now.  If that is doable I might add more full days, just have to watch blood sugar and blood pressure as I go that way.  As is, 72 hours without food is no risk, just a bit of a challenge.  Hopefully one several weeks of daily/day fasting has allowed preparedness.  Later.

Where did I hear it?

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Can't say.  Recent, too recent to be possible, I heard a story about a priest who was to be sent to hell?  Well, yes.  As I have it, he didn't know where he was or what had happened to him, only that Christ was rejecting him.  He said the priest was only a priest for himself, that this was not good enough.  Mary, mother of God, begged a second chance.  The young priest woke in the hospital, fully aware of the fullness of the task before him.

I heard this on the radio a few days ago.  The problem is I haven't listened to the radio in a week or more, that station in three weeks.  Was it a dream I could not see as such?  If so, is it true?  If not a dream then what?  And, again, is it true?  First off, I am entirely certain it is true.  Next, I have no idea how it arrived to my ears.  While "listening" to it, it was just a story.  Later, definitely in a dream, I realized the hearing wasn't accidental, incidental, random.  I was being... warned? asked, invited, to grow?  A bit of both.

I don't know how.  I am a bit, very, afraid... of failure, of the unknown, of not knowing what I am supposed to do.  I think I get it, then the notion slips.  It is like trekking through the woods on a unfamiliar path.  From time to time the road comes to a ridge where the final, or a lessor, destination can be seen.  I am going toward changing the faith I have from being either just for, or even about, me.  What should it be?  I think it is meant to just be about God... not just the Being in Triune, but the Reality, the Truth, all that God Is.  I... don't know how else to put it.  I can't say I fully understand.  I can only say what direction I am charting and it is away from the only thing I have ever known, it is away from me.  ???  Yeah, I think so.

Good night.

Two naps and little work.

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Hedged by pain I remained mostly inactive.  Too tired to see past, I let the threat of pain keep me from working, mostly.  I didn't consider aspirin as that would have, possibly led to more work than intended.  As is I did too little.  All given that is how it was preferred? Very worn.  Achy.  Ill at ease.  I don't want to fall behind though either.  If it continues I will take anicin.

The goal is light work, keeping up on things as well as pushing into other areas and projects lightly.  More work in the kitchen, the love seat out to the sitting room and cleaned, the computer area readied and then employed, just little things, along with fasting over the weekend.  If all goes well, next week I would then like to begin in the living room.  Boxes sorted and broken down, items collected and organized, then cleaning.  A major hit, then an ongoing project.

It seems that I can only get just so far in an area when I run out of the ability to know where to go, what to do.  The hope is, as I get more areas into the seventy percent range I will be able to make sense of things from there?  Sure hope so.  I can't see there from here, but I couldn't see where I was to where I am.

Why the effort?  In spite of how it seems, it is natural to want to live a bit better.  A woman is quite helpful in these ways, often.  But one isn't available.  Can't afford help, so...  Anyway, just a bit more wake time then I'll hit it for the night after feeding the girls.  Good night.

Wought?

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Every major muscle hurts.  These aren't aches from sickness or that.  My muscles have been used.  It's not as if I have used them perpetually to exhaustion, as with iron works. Though some, such as legs while bending to do dishes in the tub in the tub were used until the job was done, done, done... but it's still not done.  Though today will be the last batch I do for a while.  I have learned it is much better to tax the legs than the back, the back doesn't recover as fast or well.

This last very small batch of dishes will mean I am caught up and all dishes under and through layers of kitchen stuff have been washed as well.  After this batch I'll rinse stuff, well, then set it aside for washing once or twice a week.  The only thing that has to happen is the curtains up.  I may attempt to put up extra curtain rod stabilizers.  Make that definitely put those up.  And, while I don't have what I need now, I plan to put up perches for the girls, using L-brackets, 2 x 4 offsets, and 1 x 6's?  Something like that.  Not today, soon as money is back in regular rhythm.

Today is a day of rest.  That doesn't mean nothing will be done.  It only means what is done will be light, perhaps done at an easy pace, and I won't be pushing per job or for the next job.  Hoping for four to five work periods, often hitting multiple tasks each, finish or not.  Might not be able to stay that focused.  So long as I keep up on any mess being generated as I go, plus advancing on all fronts, I can't lose ground.

Oh, and especially on slacker days I'll hit the rosary.  I may do extra memorization work on the few prayers not fully known yet, as well as working on memorizing the various mysteries, there are five per set, and four sets, so twenty.  But in specific order, in sets, by the day.  I suppose one could just learn through use, but that necessitates having a formula sheet all the time until one knows it.  I'd rather be proactive with memorization. Besides, memorization is good for the bean, and an area I am notoriously feeble regarding.

Mostly a slow easy day, today and until Monday.  Not an all stop, just an all slow ahead.  I'll nap if needed, wanted, eat mildly... still fasting daily... would be a good day to start a three day fast... five?  Not sure if I can, might have to give it a shot?  Thursday?  I'll start tomorrow... Friday is the usual start day and I'm not ready, don't like surprises, not even from myself.  This fast will be dedicated to my dead, that their souls may rest in peace, especially those who died hard, wrong.  Impetus helps.

Later.

Hmm? Right, bedtime.

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Thunder and lightning as I go.

Not much, not bad.

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A load of laundry started this morning.  It should have been dry.  I think the juice kicks off occasionally here, has since I lived in the valley, more noticeable away from the hub city.  The curtains are also going, kitchen and porch.  As well, the kitchen table is slowly getting cleared, then will be cleaned.  I am also working to open a place on my desk for a newer machine.  I also got the rosary and a bit of reading in on two different books, with my legs elevated for at least twenty, and more like 60 minutes.

So tired.  Might try a nap.  I am starting a list for the hardware store.  I can also see a list for the grocery store, especially if I want that bean, pork, and tortilla meal, and I do.  Tomorrow or Friday I will probably chalk it in.  Just too tired today.  Yeah, a bit drained.  Definitely a nap.  Later.

Oh,well, yeah.  Just... not that much.

A slower day.

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Everything on the list and then some, yesterday.  I started kefir, two different quart jars of the stuff, one from store-bought kefir, some from dehydrated grains, both in store-bought milk as per instructions.  It doesn't look like the store-bought is working.  The must now being killing the cultures, or making them sterile so they can't reproduce.  I'll try one more quart.  It does tell me not to trust to buy it for consumption.  It's just a kefir flavored item?  I'm thinking so.  I also got all but the last load of laundry done.  I could have finished, I simply forgot the laundry and had to rush to get to the point I got it.

Today will be a bit lighter.  Finishing the laundry?  Well, continuing.  I found more.  Not all of it will go through, but some of it.  More work in the kitchen.  Just small efforts, say to finish the floor, then sweep and mop, or hit the table top.  As well, work in the computer/sitting room, sorting the desktop, moving boxes out, and I can clear the last bit of floor, but completely, sweeping and mopping in there too.  Ugh, that sounds like more work than yesterday!?!  Well, maybe sounds like it, but I don't think so?

Of course, making the bed, prayers, food, cats, and other regular items too.  And the work will be split over two days as needed.  Hmm, will sweep and mop the bathroom while at it.  Seems like a lot of sweeping and mopping, but if one waits until all is ready to be done at once, the efficiency of economy of scale makes for a simple clean sweep.  I don't have a lot of hurry in me.  If I can keep on top of the messes of life that won't be a problem.  Yes.  Something has changed for the good.

I honestly can't believe how quickly things are looking so much better.  A crew would do it in a day or two, but the mess to go through would remain.  I am betting, should I be able to maintain even half this pace, the cave will be clear, clean, and organized in two to three weeks.  I will need to purchase larger and smaller bins, but that's fine.  Oh, the air seems much better.  Yeah.  Odd how much is involved with else.

A lot. Much.

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More than planned and that faster than anticipated.  The bedroom, just that can be a day of work, what was accomplished, given my day.  Much left to do, not as much as before, in there.  The microwave got hit.  Needed it.  Cleaned up to new minus, plus?, five years.  The dishes got their final wash and are rinsing.  Oh, laundry should be ready.  Beside what was dried I put a load to wash and have one more to go through.  Yes, a shower was had.

That is pretty much it for the day.  Perhaps dinner?  I don't really know what to cook, burgers?  Maybe, if the hamburger is still good.  If not, perhaps a food run.  I'd like to wash kitchen curtains tomorrow, and reset them.  I'd also like to get new, full coverage, curtains for the back porch.  Sometimes I like them open, in the winter I like them closed, with insulated curtains... not bad in the summer either.  Spring, fall, and moderate or sunny other times, open can be good.  Bleh, you know what I mean or you don't.  Hmm, if the windows can be open, then the curtains too?  Close.

As well, I am just hitting things as open season.  After laundry I'll probably give the rosary a shot, read a bit, then check about food.  Later.

Well, you know, plans?

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I did kick out morning prayers.  As I gathered bedding and made it, for the umpteenth time I lamented the stuff around and about the bed which made making the bed more complicated.  Hmm?  Oh, but, can't that, you know, be sorted?  Well, thought I back to I, not always but today, and perhaps henceforth, is not always, is it?  Not really a question, but I answered anyway.  Well, no, no it isn't!

So I dug in.  Sorting this from that, boxes there, clothes in the basket, diving suits... what were they doing out?  Anyway... I haven't completely finished.  I need to figure out where  some things should go.  Hmm, the spare bedroom closet?  Maybe.  Still, I did quite a lot.  Then, while breaking down boxes in there, I hit the boxes gathered from the kitchen, stacking them all together.  I really can see my mother visiting with nothing for her to do.  Well, cooking.  Not sure this will last either.

A bit of a break, then on to a shower, laundry, and setting dishes to go.  After that and a break, as I head back to wash dishes, I'll move the last bits to the spare closet.  Making the bed will be lot easier if not nearly as acrobatic.  For a chunk, being as impatient as I am will either end in becoming broke and slower or limber and swift.  Like or not I break about as well as I die so...  I have warned, it isn't my size or strength that will get you, should you test, but my speed... if I even can win these days that is.  Anyway, life just got simpler.  So down so long forgot there were options.

Everything feels right.

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I relaxed, last afternoon, in preparation for sleep.  I needed and took time off, just easing down toward sleep.  Then, finally, at about 18:00, I went in, laid down, fell asleep without issue, and slept until 4:00.  I did not wake, fuss, hurt, or anything.  I woke without any pain for the first time in... I... don't know.

Today?  It's not a work day.  All that means is I won't be working to the beat of a drum, fast drum.  In some sense, at this point onward, every day is a workday, save Sunday unless my ass ends up in a hole.  The devil you say!  Well, just using the good book, so...  Anyway.  Plans?  Why yes.

After waking, making the bed and prayers.  Then setting the last load to finish drying or fluff, taking a shower while that goes, then setting the remaining dishes to a sudsy soak.  While I fold then rest, I'll hit the dishes again in two hours.  Then, every few hours... two or three depending on condition... I'll go find an area or project to attack.  So it shall go from now on.  Something to the meaning of some words I still don't fully grok, compunction and others, and prayer.  An understanding that while I can't rise above sin, Christ can free me from it, the indignity.  Something has further changed.  It's not... diminish... go west.

The work is there, cut out for me well.  If I do finish, then maintain, then other work will find me.  Fasting will continue.  So it will go until the next call, opportunity, end.  Things are different, in a very good way.  Oh, rosary too.  Couldn't get that in yesterday.  Good morning and day.

Well, okay, there is that.

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The phone man kept coming and going.  Never did need access.  He has been gone for a bit.  So I checked.  It works!  Now to call to find out about the bill.  Since August, would be nice to have it cleared.

Further, a note from ssa sent specifically pertaining to the event.  Called in and spoke with a woman who did know.  The other call was a complete waste?  The data was ignored.  I am told that the information has been applied and between five and ten days I will receive the backcheck.  Then regular payments until the review is completed.  Well, as we probably know, from then on.

What a day.  I am well and truly done.  A bit more, a call to check on things... the bill, then a bit of coming down so as to sleep in a few hours.  Two or three, never can be certain.  Oh, and laundry.  Yeah.  Crash, it's coming.  Later.  No, good night.  Just thinking, it all seems to work out when it needn't.  Oh well.

As much has been done as will be done.

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I did what I could, and just in time.  As I wrote the title the tech appeared.  Just went to check on him, let him know I was home and available.  Okay, he says.  Out of his hair I get.  It'll be a bit before I know more.  Though, to be honest, businesses hereabouts treat us well.  I... shouldn't distrust.  So used to being targeted.  I don't fit, anywhere, anywise, anyway.  I just don't, never have.

The kitchen is almost a new place.  The trick is to finish it then keep it going.  The sink, faucet and plumbing, will make that a sure thing.  I'll want a guarantee on the work, in writing.  No more goofing.

I ended up, after putting the first load in, going for lunch.  The eggs were a little old, one was nine days over, the other three days over, but they both tasted funny... pitched.  I was so hungry by then I couldn't see straight.  Yeah but shut it.  Off course, after eating up, I had a heck of a time getting back to work.  Bleh.  I did it, finishing out the corner, but even now I am having trouble "typing"... stupid device is as for texting.  Yeah, but I am way ahead.  A couple days down then back to it.  I've made an impressive solo jump.

Got to relax, let go, for a bit.  I will be planning my next steps in there.  All upper surfaces save the table are cleand and cleared.  Now to keep it that way, expand on it.  The floor is getting there.  Even the nook has been stomped into some shape.  I did good.  A start, finally.  Front room and back room, I like what two or three major prayers a day are doing.  I'll stick with that, for sure, as well.

Later.

Time slips away so fast when busy!

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Dishes, the ones set to go, were finished.  Instead of taking a shower I decided to wipe down counters and the stovetop.  That should only take a few minutes?  More like forty five?  Yeah.  Got the sinks too, and cleaned then started the polish process on the stove.  Waiting for the goop to dry, not in an half hour?  Whatever.  Anyway, that cut the time down to five to six hours, or two maybe three work periods... so to the corner.  I am hoping it is still possible.  I think it is.  Will be tight, have laundry to run as well.

She, the kitchen, still looks, and is, a bit of a mess.  I doubt if the repairman will notice what has been done.  The thing is it is well on the way.  Yes, I am tossing.  I think I'll be tossing a lot more throughout the house.  If it's too good but I really can't or won't use it, off to charity.  Or... toss.  I'd like to get my life down to vehicle portable, minus the larger furniture.

Problem?  Hungry.  Nothing to eat.  Might check the eggs.  If good enough, fresh enough, may boil.  Hungry!  Later.

Awake, in good order and time.

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Sure, I said I didn't want to start with a work order.  Sure, I did something about it, just not enough.  The dishes have to be out of the way.  I gave most of what is left a solid hit.  But it needed another wash.  I just didn't have that in me.  Left to a hot sudsy, I hit them first thing this morning, then set them to a hot rinse.  The very few dishes et. al. remaining will fit in the wash bin off to the side.  Next, to make the bed and morning prayers and planning.  With gaming sidelined, a rosary seems likely, and devotional reading.  Hmm, perhaps rather than the whole book, how about the Catholic daily readings?  It covers the OT, NT, and the Gospels, pretty much fully in a three year rotation... assuming they haven't dicked that up too, while I have been sleeping?

End their government buy-out, president Trump, and that of all churches.  Force them back to suffering the will of their peoples.  Only good shepherds will receive bounty, humble as that is, and should be!  End the tyranny of theological elitism divorced from the will of the people of God, and God Himself, by those who currently don't need to worry.  Gold has clouded their vision, let them to tear their fine vestments and to sackcloth and ash get them hie!  I love me some hieing!  Amen!

Right, now that my Christmas wish list is out there, back to the grindstone.

Right.  Anyway.  Actually, in two hours, give or more likely take, I'll hit the dishes then the shower.  Just baseline.  I'll dry and dress at a leisurely pace in hopes I can slingshot nearly right back to work.  Worried about having "his" corner fully cleared and cleaned for him, I will start there first.  I have a small but heavy chest to remove, a rolling cart to clean and move, and just general clearing and cleaning in the nook.  If I get that done fast enough, back to the rest of the kitchen.  I'll probably do dark cottons around 10:00 which will easily see to white cottons, with bleach, going in by 12:00?  All just a plan... which planners, at least if ever also operators, know are usually great and solid only on paper.  Why do you think they wink and smile so often?  Still, better to be your own forward command than having some jaggoff who is just earning his bona fides regardless of your outcome.  Both or neither or I refuse to play the game and I guarantee you can't make me!

Not done but done.

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No way was I going to finish all that.  I am a bit surprised I went back to work at all.  The pace was still good.  It's the volume.  At my pace it would take two or three days.  I can't do that much straight, even assuming I don't get sick, for any reason.  It is time to figure out sleep.  Perhaps I can hit things hard tomorrow.  Oh, but I can do the laundry in the dryer.  Might have to fluff it, or actually finish drying, but that is fine.  I don't want to have to mess while trying to wake, throws me off my game.

I noticed someone, and most likely a pair, one adult one younger, had been up my drive, probably in the garage?  You know me.  Still, I have learned to say naught until or unless something (bigger, or expensive) goes missing, or a neighbor was by or even good news.  Fussed on it, but...  Found out the neighbor and son number three were by.  Had an idea for the plow.  Didn't work, but noticed an extra round in the tongue, slid it all that way, and cha-ching.  Son no. three scored the win.  Funny, it's the son who wears bigger shoes than his pops.  No slight, his shoes are larger than mine too.  Still, not bad for casual viewing of the tracks from five feet or more, through dirty windows on a dark day.  Not sure what they dragged, unless that was the tongue, but I don't see tire tracks.  Some things, more than others, leave me curious.  No worries, not on these, just curious.  Sure am grateful.

Oh, right, laundry.  I think this is good night.
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Scratch laundry.  Already did that.  So I hit the dishes.  I also remembered airing the place out was on the list.  So I have that going for an hour.  If I can, when I close it all down, perhaps I'll do the last wash, then set them aside so I can shower first thing.  Ah, and I took trash out.  Not sure if it's recycling.  Man I need that.  I think I'll take that out just in case.  Better to be wrong this way than the other.  Ugh.

I don't think so.

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I won't say I am blazing through the work, if I am doing okay.  It is just that there is so much to do.  Much of it is very light work, heavy in decision making and organization.  Even so I pace well.  The volume is the problem.  That and I can't get a nap in.  It should help, it just isn't possible to now.

The counters are cleared, cat litter change has started, the floor clutter is being wrangled, dishes are being put to soak as found.  Just left out and got dusty.  I really need to hit the dishes to open that area for several reasons.  Low priority becomes the bottleneck, of course.  I am making serious headway but breaks aren't cutting it and I can't nap.  I'll keep at it.

I am getting close in several rooms.  The spare bedroom, the computer room, even my bedroom a tiny bit.  If I can dominate the kitche and bathroom...  I'll hit it again, see if a nap is possible then.  Finish clearing boxes, the surface of the table, and fill one litter box and dump and wash another.  Oh, and dishes?  Yeah.  It is the goal.

Later, unless I crash.

A slight change of plans.

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Rather than read while waiting for the clothes to finish, I did something else, something I have been contemplating since I joined the church.  Initially I had things to work out.  Then, well, it just seemed too complicated.  I just haven't been able to see my way to it, until today.  I found one, which has been blessed, a rosary.

It took about thirty minutes, perhaps a bit more.  I had the timer set for laundry.  I know all the prayers, save the fatima addition if that is optional.  The beads were smaller, which actually wasn't as much of a problem as anticipated... actually no problem at all.  Now I worry the one with larger beads will be a problem to use?  I'll survive.  When I received the refund from the dress shoes, not liking one, I only reordered one of the shoes a size up, then a "dress" rosary.  It'll be my daily house one.  I would like to get several more, for the vehicle, for travel, and a few spares.  Standard will do, could even make my own.  They need to be blessed before use, bought or made.

I was abit surprised at how well it went.  Contemplating times in the life of Jesus while praying is a new sort of thing.  Sometimes contemplation would trip the tongue, sometimes contemplation would get lost in the spoken prayer words, but generally I did well.  Daily?  I can attempt to add it, more since I am backing out of gaming.  Maybe.  I sure would like to learn to do the rosary without a cheat sheet.  No reason save time (and for me possibly focus) this couldn't be employed several times a day... for intentions and practice.  I was also surprised at the improvement from, through, just one run.

Laundry is done and away.  Dishes are soaking, but not a priority.  Cat litter, clearing counters and the floor, sweeping, trash, then mopping?  I'm sure pushing for that, and today.  I'll have to push hard and lean in heavy.  I'll know later.  I still have an hour to my break, need it.  I am almost sure I'll post another time.  Later.

That was a lot more work than words suggested.

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The pre-morning startup, as it was being formulated and written, seemed like a breeze. It might even be once awake or on some days.  I did it all and went ahead and started the laundry.  I can do a load of whites tomorrow if I... I do have a load of cottons which have been sitting too long.  Both that and whites would help.  Anyway, yeah, more than it seemed.

As to my breaks?  I'm not up to gaming.  I just way over leveled for a boss and took in an in-game npc.  It still took all my expendables and five minutes or more.  The next boss is solo, unless you want to play with others.  I don't.  Looks like another game trying to force multi-player.  Well, and again with fake bosses... you have to lose to most of them, often several times, then the game just gets easier.  Trust me, you don't improve that much.  I'll just read in that time.  Along with the Imitation of Christ and the bible, I have a few history books I could add in.  If I catch up on, in, my world, and feel better but can't get out, maybe I'll game more... maybe.  Or better find exercises to improve memory and such, start walking, or real things.

Back to waking, been at it an hour, just decided I was done with gaming so decided to blog that and the rest.  Oh, eggs, if fresh, are still okay, the better ones.  So whether they have been old, a bad batch (I do check), or what...  I might boil what I have if they are fresh enough for lunch and snacks for the week.  I'd like to get back to eggs, but I have to check dates in the store, mark them for easy home checking, or boil them right away and toss after five days.  A good food if it's good.

So?  On to reading.  I may even keep my legs elevated for twenty minutes a day.  Docs told me to elevate the legs, but never told me how long.  Even with a recliner long stretches of that would be annoying, impossible without.  But, for twenty minutes?  Sure, just read on my back with my feet on a wall.  If that is or gets more comfortable I might do it for longer periods and every time I read.  Instructions, people.  If someone, anyone, had mentioned this as a twenty minute exercise long ago I might have considered it.  Sure, I might have said no, and not done it, until it made sense or more I could see how to do it.  I would have been doing it over a decade ago!

I'll give it two hours.  If I tire of reading first I'll hit work.  If I get drowsy I'll nap.  I will get the laundry a check, and get dishes going, first.  Tiring but nice, enjoy working, just wish I didn't need rest so often.  Later.

Down, so hard and fast I barely saw it arriving.

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All good. It means I used what energy resources I had available, perhaps then some.  All dishes, save that one small odd-size batch, are done and away.  Well, some need stored more properly, and will be today.  No shower but didn't want to go to bed with wet hair and wasn't going to be able to make it awake long enough.  I have a hair dryer, for when one or another female type was here.  When crashing loud noises are multiply annoying and are already a nuisance.  I could have done laundry but the mind begins closing doors automatically.  Some reasonable options get lost in the psychic sunset.

I do believe I will change sheets, set the laundry to fluff while I shower, then fold or hang laundry before my two hour (roughly) wake period.  Then I'll be right to hitting the kitchen when I officially kick off the day.  I have all of today and half of tomorrow to make the kitchen and bathroom presentable.  Then I can do cooking.  Still want to put together tortillas and else.  And, perhaps, scones using buttermilk from clotted cream plus the clotted cream itself.  How many, these days, can say they have tried such, how fewer can suggest they had such by making their own?  I much prefer made at home from as fresh and raw as possible.

I really get the feeling, again, that I might be onto something.  My schedule may remain too shifty for regular employment, but with my waking time, I may be able to begin using it far more productively.  The downside is I will now feel every bump in the road.  Every ache, pain, fever will be plain to see and feel.  Worth it?  To me?  Yeah.  I am mostly used to pain, even refusing all but three painpills when my ribs were cracked.  I hated the feel of that as I do the fog.  I'll take pain and truth over lies and seeming painlessness any day.  There are limits, they just won't be found in the area were fog is lifting.  Aspirin should handle minor occasional excesses.

Well, on to the day.

Going well.

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All the first and second batch dishes are done.  I still have more.  Not much, technically a batch if really twenty pieces, mostly large and awkward items that just did'nt fit with else.  I'll put those to soak after the shower, but they aren't high priority.  Just the kitchen and bathroom plans are going to be major strains even if I can keep up the pace.  Doable, probably, just brutal.  It looks like I've broken out of lockdown and unlocked access to the work panel.

I thought about a nap.  Decided to call my mother.  She wasn't home, so in I went.  But, in case she called back, I began reading the bible again.  Just as I was shutting down the phone rang.  How about that, she had Santa for snacks or a meal today, in gratitude for his work.  Had to smile.  His day is today, there.

After that I decided Iwas awake, so finished the dishes, quite a few.  This, another break, then I'll hit the kitchen.  Clearing higher then lower horizontal surfaces, counters and the floor if you like it plain.  Then cleaning.  Everything has to go.  And I pretty much mean it.  If I can chew that up today I will hit the nook tomorrow.  I... have doubts.  A try I will give.

Hmm, heated roast and a potato, then a break.  I am sweating, and have had three work periods so far.  I still have to be a bit cautious with exertion.  And yet there is so much to do with little time.  I had a flash of my mother showing up to nothing to do (then REALLY getting angry ;p ).

Never sure.

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I might add the goal of subduing the earth, walking on the sun, or even something wild like doing the dishes.  That doesn't mean plans will be completed.  I thought it would be piecemeal, the dishes.  A part of them between breaks.  The pain, mostly, has lifted... some bits back there better ignored.  My mind puts up little signs on the pain-flowers... "Do not touch!", "You break it you buy it!", "Don't follow the tendrils!" and so on.

A good longer sleep.

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Sometimes I resist sleep, especially when it begins to go long.  Most sleep for some time has been brokenby, even infused with, pain.  When that broke, I could only sleep five hours or so at a time, painfree and solid, but so short.  I, for a very rare time, was happy with ten hours down.  No pain, breaks but standard ones.  I wake with a host of morning pains including a minor headache, all of which will most likely be gone by the time I wake, or more fully.  Not every day sees me fully awake... if I... think the difference would be lost on most.  Hmm?  Oh, nothing to fret.  I really am, sometimes, jealous.  Bliss.

Back to work.  Business is concluded for the week, so I can stick to the house.  With a phone man arriving Monday, I want the kitchen kicked out.  Doable?  I'll find out.  He will be working back in the nook.  I hadn't planned on that, if I have wanted it clear.  Dishes and laundry need finished. It's a lot of work, and I had hoped to get to the computer/sitting room too.  Not possible, all of it.  Kitchen and dishes, probably laundry since that is just folding.  Beside airing the house a bit Sunday and Monday, I'll change the bedding and have it washing about the time of the visit... it does well as a... odor blocker, deodorizer, something.  Cooking and baking does wonders to, though a small pot of simmering water with sweet spices is good.  Most deodorizers are questionable.

The worst things for odor is dirty dishes and cat litter, well and too inactive ogres.  I'll push on dishes to get a shower.  Might change out cat litter whole, if by parts so they still have access, washing each pan and lettering it dry before doing the next.  I may be moving away from standard litter pans.  Too shallow without the hood and Sam won't enter a hooded box.  Just clear taller bins, perhaps in time with the lids on.  Some recommend really big ones.  Nive, but the volume of litter would be huge.  If the litter held up, by volume versus time breakdown, maybe.  I just don't know.  Get the bin, cut a hatch two to three inches higher than two to three inch deep litter, and there you go.  Clear because voiding is a risky time for a cat, they like to see around them.

The first thing once finances have been sorted if the work right.  A kitchen faucet and plumb purchase and service, then massages.  Those lowered my bp a lot.  Meds, what I can take, help.  They just can't fully, or always, work as well as hoped.  I just hope this gets sorted soon.  Proving they can do as they please which tells me more needs to be done.  I think the right man for the job is on the job.  He can only go just so fast though. We need ten like him in a row.  Won't happen, people choose destruction tomorrow for more gold today in too vast of numbers.

Ugh.  A few hours of gaming to light up the tubes.  Best turn the furnace up, drain and reset the dishes, then to it.  Good morning.

Seemed brutal.

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I kept it light, doing less work than hoped but taking care of more business.  That business takes more out than it seems that it should.  All bills, of which I am aware, are current, if one is pending.  Doesn't look good on that one.  We'll see.  Chatter, gab, talk, and hold-hell, hated it.  Still, everyone I spoke with spoke (American) English as a first language or otherwise very well.  Ugh.

I also did roast beef, using American organic garlic.  Wow.  I had thought it was me.  Nope, Chinese garlic is as tasteless as it is bad for you.  Cheap and tasteless?  There you go.  Thing is it's way too expensive.  I may try to grow it.  But that is work, requires at least some care, not all can do it.  Not sure I can.  Plus, how much?  Still it was wonderful to smell and taste garlic again!

Some dishes.  The rest tomorrow.  Laundry too?  I'm dragging, slogging through as I may, keeping pain in check, and just living.  It's okay.  Not perfect, still hurt solidly, way too tired, but... okay.  Good night.

Old realities, new truths.

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I remember being introduced to one of these songs, more officially, at about the time I found the other.  I am sure the introduced song had been heard, just not when it made sense.  I heard the darker one first.  Hearing the other after was so harsh.  Something inside broke?  I spent months going back, listening to one, the other, or both.  Agony.

In time I either wore down to nubs or let it go.  There was no... consoling? reconciling?  I probably just hid it, from it.  I know almost nothing I write makes sense to most of you.  Some sort of entertainment?  Perhaps mostly looking for new or different music?  Most won't understand any of this.  Less the change.

Nothing, of any real significance, has changed... in my life.  All the same.  Save perspective.  I am no longer looking to end one to begin the other.  I now live both.  Gripe, sure.  But I am in both songs at once, gratefully.  I can do that.  I am no longer were the only way is up.  I have risen.

Such a different place without but seeing in a new way.  I am home, whatever else.

Moving right along.

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It might not be all that snowy but is cold.  While we don't usually get much in the way of wind, it seems as if we get some, from the wrong direction, it really is worse, even in here, inside I mean.  Today is cooler, if that is just normal seep.  Hmm, or the thermostat wasn't turned up?  Bleh, always something.

I called the phone company.  It's time to pay but I won't. Phone hasn't worked since August.  Service is being sent.  They won't say if reimbursement will be made.  I am sure they just never turned it back on.  So it looks like they are going to try to jack me on this.  Yeah.  At least I enjoyed shooting down their cable tv spiel.  They are desperate.  Wonderful!

Dishes are being done a bit at a time.  I'm not up to major efforts.  Another bill, in a bit.  A call for help with a package retrieval was roughed in.  Bit by bit.  Hopefully I'll get to laundry and the kitchen yet today.  Might not finish the kitchen.  If I can do even a third, mostly clutter, I'd be happy.

Saved some of the bacon.

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So little vital physical being.  I used every bit of it, then stretched.  I was taking it slow or I would have ended up in trouble, more trouble, yesterday.  As is I just broke a bit and seem mostly better for it as I wake.  However, today until Monday, if work is planned, it will be light duty.  Smaller chores and projects, mostly indoors, as islands of time surrounded by oceans of rest.  I have to regain footing a bit cautiously.  I have been down for a very long time.

One group of new dishes has been started.  The dishes needing just a final rinse will get that when I feed the cats.  I'll give the dishes needing washed a shot, see if they will go in with the rinse, then square that circle as if I knew what I was doing.  A few hours later, laundry will get fluffed as the kitchen gets hit.  Nothing too heavy, just clearing, sorting, tossing until I am sick of it or done, per session.  I will hit that until done, then move back to the computer room, sitting room.  It is so close.

I can also handle phone work today.  Two bills, a check on several things, and whatever else might occur.  No milk, I think?  Wait, I always forget about that, there might be a way.  I don't know else.  Don't want to shower or shave too often, raw hide.  Tomorrow. Oh, could see if the shoes returned have deposited, some companies trust when the packages hit ups, some wait.

There is pain, but it isn't the more odius levels.  Mild, to be noticed, gauged, but pushed.  Can't let this stuff win without resistance but no need to blindly antagonize.  It, often, is your friend, letting you know something is wrong, or even right.  Actually, I don't think too little food is the problem.  I think I need to either eat more or eat less.  This daily fasting, every day, is the worst.  I never quite get unhooked and then undo my escape, staying perpetually in minor or heavier pain.  I may try three, even five day full fasts.

Check into Russian research.  WITH MEDICAL SUPERVISION they have people fast for up to three weeks.  Speculation is that can be stretched much further.  Germany also has at least a clinic.  Extended fasting is only for clinical settings or if you have willing and able medical attendance at home.  For me five days is as much as I will do, and probably only twice a month... Hmm, might keep it to three days, can do that weekly.  Still, the problem with three days?  You are just getting over hunger by the time you begin eating again, never a free time.  It's got the same drawbacks as daily fasting.  I may have to... explore.

So much for my hunger yesterday.  I prepped a nice meal but couldn't finish, or even German, half a sandwhich, even while I still felt hungry.  Bloated full on half a six ounce sadwhich and still with hunger.  Something is just off in there.

So many of them.  No chance.  Ruinations.  I used to believe it was me.  Not so much.

Stuck behind the phone.

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Call after call, nothing.  Called the main company.  Tyrone, third return Georgia state prison, could he get some personal inf... click.  No.  Probably got too much as is.  Really, Cub Cadet?  At least get English speakers.  Ebonics doesn't count.  Add a three?  I finally called the local store.  I'll have to return it if they can't instruct.  I don't need more paperweights.  I did go out, tinkered.  Perhaps mine is missing cutouts?  The hole in the handle, near where it is supposed to fit, does fit over two keyed/cotterpinned posts, but I didn't find a way to turn that into mechanical lift.  Waiting for a call.  Not hopeful.

Good. All Good.

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Now?  To tip the boat!  Weeee!

Back?

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I was wondering myself there for a bit, but yeah, I am thinkig I might be.

Done!

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At least the list as written.  It hurt about half the trip, until stopping for lunch and breaking into anacin.  Fast, love that stuff. Still, once a week, rarely twice if pain is excessive, persistent, preventing meeting needs, or some mix.  If otc works, all good.  While I think suffering is the majority of what is left to me, as joyfully as possible, sometimes enough is enough.

Kefir grains, organic American garlic, on top of beef and potato mashers.  I know, but... it's been a while since I was out.  Oh, and what is with gay guys?  Are they that... urhm... hard up?  I make it quite clear.  Which is why I avoid.  I wish women found me handsome.  Okay, non-tattooed, single, morally and viably eligible dames.  Yeah.  Never mind.  A pox upon both their houses.  Maybe they should try each other.  New comedy meme, "Whose on top?".  ;p

Life is better.  I can't believe a few otc helped as it did.  I'll have to wind down.  If the pain returns I will hit it again.  I haven't had sleep not continuously broken by pain in... a long time, and I think that was just a nap.  I NEED sleep, would almost kill for it.  Maybe, if I can catch a break Ican work through the pain.  Can't dose it too often, loses affect.  Haven't suffered this level of pain and fog perhaps ever.  One cancels the other.  It might be a, if harsh, sign of improvement.  My fog doesn't go as deep as it did?  I think so.

Anyway, later.  Or good night, in case the floor falls out from under me.

It just isn't letting up.

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A bit more eaten, to no good ends.  It feels, now, as if something is trying to bust out of my chest.  I have a package in, need to return shoes, and do shopping.  It's time for a shower too.  I have dishes blocking that.  Can just drain and set aside but this pain is really weighing me down.

Some jackwagon adds links for addiction treatment.  If I could afford drugs I would be spending it on medicine then my home.  Seriously, piss off.  You aren't funny even in a clown way.  Some people are stupid, some are evil, there is a lot of crossover.  If you want to actually help, pray.  Somehow I don't sense that is your way, even if you play the part.  May you find Wisdom before He finds you.

I'll really try to get out.  Aspirin would really be good to replace.  Oh, no.  First, aspirin?  Docs want me to take that.  I take a lot less as I don't trust them, or seriously thinned blood, too easy to bleed out.  If that is trying to suggest I used two and an half bottles in three months, you are an idiot.  Hmm, that... leads me to who you might be.  Yeah.

May try to nap first.  Anything to break the pain up a bit.  Later.

Too little food?

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I am eating daily.  Enough to stay regular.  The volume might be the problem, about an half pound of food a day, usualy eating only once a day.  Worse, it hasn't been as fatty as it needs to be.  Ketosis is measuring at 40 plus, weight is going up, bodily volume is going down.  I ordered several shirts, not realizing one was slim fitted.  It was just a wee tight.  I was rather surprised how well it did fit, actually.  Two or three of the middle buttons were slightly puffed.  I was preparing to return it when I realized, in six months or less it would fit easily, perhaps loosely.  I really want to get a suit or two but don't dare.  Not yet.  Anyway I just keep coming back to food being the issue.  Not being able to cook as I would like, I might have to seek out fattier foods.  Barbecue packs, even fried chicken, food I can just pick up.  Carbs?  Other than avoiding sugar I won't greatly worry about the rest.  If a week of heavier eating doesn't solve it, and I'm not dead, I'll make an appointment and just hope meds will last or I can afford them too.  The first of next month is the soonest I can do it, the rest is up to the doc.

I haven't felt this bad in a long time.  I don't remember feeling this bad for this long, and not while also so fogged up on top of it.  Fog used to block the pain.  Bleh.  Yeah, if this last trick doesn't do it I have to go in.  If it's something bad?  I'm going to die.  I'm not letting them mine bits or parts, experiment, or otherwise get rich off my pain and death.  If it's a minor thing, fine, we'll do it.  All I'm saying.

Also working to get regular water in, or mostly.  I can't drink straight water.  It creates thirst somehow.  I've tried just drinking a sip every five to fifteen, I've tried ice.  I really wanted to make it work.  I end up unable to drink then becoming dehydrated.  I have to have something, if most additives are really questionable.  As is I drink brewed loose-leaf tea Darjeeling with six drops of sucra drops per quart.  I used to drink several gallons a day, but have cut that to half or less.  Now I am just adding iced water to ever other jug.  There is still enough rmaining for mild flavor but I am getting mostly water.

Anything to fix this.  If, too, some of this is just better in the long run.  Fever is definitely gone.  A trace flickers from time to time, but is over unless something else attacks.  The pains can be different daily.  When I woke, and often, it is chest, lungs burning(?), heartburn.  That has morphed to an ache under the middle of the left ribcage plus burning lungs, sore arms as if in a confined space, bumping the metal and getting sort of weary from that, and a hitch in my left side as if from jogging or sprints.

Later.

Beef roast.

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Solid food seemed a possible curative.  All pains are gone save indigestion/sore area where ribs connect.  Could be diet or sleep angle problems.  Beef fixes much for me, it's my chicken soup.  Not this time. Still, the rast won't go to waste.  Ah, the fever is fading too.  I didn't get to much, not even gaming... as far as I can tell.

It's time to crash.  What a miserable while.  It's been hurting to much for two long.  Oh well.  Good night.

Held it to a nap.

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It was a good rest.  It didn't change the pain, that went from bad to worse.  There is also a pretty heavy fever.  While I slept I didn't feel the pain.  I would still be sleeping if possible.  I woke bolt upright, there was no choice.  My face feels like a ripe tomato looks, probably looks like one too.  It doesn't help with muscle aches but it has begun numbing other pains.  Can't say which offhand, when numbing occurs it hits more than pain.  Never can remember what to do with fevers.  I do turn up the heat and try to bundle, if I can tolerate.  Sometimes that just doesn't work.

I have, had, plans.  If memory kicks in, maybe.  It was light easy stuff.  I simply can't see beyond the red fog.  Gaming.  Can't say I will play well, but it'll... take care of itself.  I sure wish I could sleep.  Later.

Ouch.

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I did push everything... I was awake nine hours past normal bedtime going in at 17:00, was more active than my bones advised, and then woke up without choice at 22:00.  Everything hurts again.  The hope is it will pass shortly, then I can do some work, then maybe I can can nap before business efforts tomorrow, maybe more done?  Or... whatever.  When you are broken you... get what you get.

Started a new game.  Dishonored 2 was dull the first playthrough.  The powers were boring, the "morality" of pacifism, the "ethics" of poor people loving elites with absolutely no sense of law, the creepy dimwitted sjw "logic", all of it fed excruciatingly by forcibly slowing gameplay so as to feed drivel I knew was a lie as a preteen.  Glad to be done with that moronic waste of time.  The fog can prohibit exit from even repetitive gaming hell.  Oh, yeah, I don't recommend.  Perhaps if you want your children being effeminate Che supporters?  There... ya go, and here is your card.  Don't you love it when rich and leftist hicks turn their children into Manson and Che bots while laughing at good parents with accents and faith?

This game, like some lately, is made artificially difficult.  I play it to kill time.  The games I like are limited.  First, no false preaching.  Actually no preaching.  That is for church and personal exacting pursuit.  I refuse preaching by those who are incorrect, those who aren't even faithful (modernist pilgrims, you call secular humanists), or... really any save who I travel to provide that allowance.  I like a good story.  Those start with the truth, the feather the facts around the truth.  Break the possibles by denying truth and the story dies.  I expect exploration beyond the line, extras hidden about.  Don't add secrets no one would actually find.

I'm not really into the mythos, as a general rule.  That is usually toilet paper, often used. Do they outsource writing to third-worlders or is that quota work, women blacks what's the diff?  As long as they don't shovel it me, whatever.  Sometimes I am curious about some element, usually to be taught not to seek in this area with yet another imbicilic bit of trash.

As for gameplay, I do prefer action.  And while I can slog through Dark Souls type games, I prefer difficulty settings, which my current game doesn't have.  I like shooting through, getting a lay of things, checking out the story, perhaps mythos if that is done well, and general lay of things (British is horrible, there logic is either of peasant or nobility, stupid and they deserve each other).  Still, it most likely will do.  No more elite royalty on and on about their love love love of those poor they keep in the streets, only noticing when shoved onto the same streets.  Idiot sjws... I wonder if they are merely British... on the peasant side, of course darling!  *snort, giggle, snort*

/rant?  For now.  :p  Later.

Maybe.

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I made it out.  Just to the post office.  Two packages and a bundle of mail.  I thought about a trip to town, for a splurge of fast food.  I headed out, a bit excited.  Then I remembered my most recent ketone readings, my last blood sugar test, and... well... nothing else.  Everything else stinks.  I'm working on it, that is just the truth.  Still, I want diabetes fixed and that mess off my neck.  One year of clean blood sugars, or actually insulan two different things, at a certain level, and they have to declassify my situation for driver license purposes.

I thought about a trip to the store, for kefir grains to see if those work.  If not I'll have to get on the horn with the dairy to find the problem.  Hmm, if this call would go through soon enough I might call them yet today.  I am curious if raw milk kefir helps with diabetes.  It didn't work for me with store-bought milk, if it definitely soured and reproduced grains.  I am hopeful with raw.

I realized I might no be... presentable.  Oh, I showered last evening?  I think so.  But I got the trash out, finally, today.  Beside that being uncomfortably overdue there were two pots which... be thankful there is no smell-o-blog.  I think it clung though I used rubber gloves beyond elbows.  Had to go to the post, if... Could just be stuck in the nose.  Ugh.  Anyway, didn't go.

On the way out, a lady offered me a ride home.  It... was such a nice offer.  Fearless.  If I think God must often be with them.  It was a wonderful early Christmas gift.  And a reminder, for me.

As I was looking through mail, once home, another... spot of possibly good news.  SSA is restarting payments while they do the review.  First they said they were deducting some serious money.  I just... took a breat and kept reading.  Yes, there will be a reimbursement as well.  That is supposed to be deposited in days.  Problem?  The account they used to deposit into is shuttered.  So?  A call.  I was on, waiting, for 20 of a forty minute wait when they hung up.  I've been on for 10 ot 15 of what is supposed to be a 35 minute wait.

What to do with it?  Save it and else until spring.  A furnace and whole house ac.  Though I may spend the little dollars against any debts that might cover... which might be all or most of it.  Then no more debt for a year or more?  Probably until a new fridge and else next fall, but only a third to half, depending on my situation.  Ugh.  The next mess is the kitchen floor and maybe wall treatment.

If they don't keep hanging up.  Later, or good night and day.

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Nope.  They sent it where I told them not to send it and were baffled as to why it was returned.  So they cancelled it out, again.  Messages were sent, but she didn't know if anyone could do anything.  May have to reapply for what good it will do.  Dunno.  Though this late, I may lose backpay and have to reapply fresh.

Roughly better?

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Some things are difficult to define.  I am better.  It is rough.  Sleep was difficult, I woke often in pain.  It felt like muscle and joint aches from poor sleeping angles so adjustments were always being made.  I did sleep, but not well or deeply.  It was 58 when I went to bed, so I needed the fan.  It got down to 50 by the time I woke.  Could have done without extra cool but airflow was nice.

Strange dreams, most gone.  In one I dreamed of nine conceptions... the nights of.  I am certain, as certain as my mind gets, of three, suspect another three, but... could be just a dream... Anyway, each of those were contrasted by hunting episodes.  I am sure, as possible, of the hunting and fishing.  A small buck, pheasant, a duck if that wasn't my shot was it Adam, a prize brook, sqirrles, and others.  I have no good idea on the meaning of this one, if perhaps a few ideas.  I almost or sort of hope my mother gets to meet some of them.  I suppose if she decides to aim for heaven, and they do as well?  It's, most likely, the only way, for even if all go to hell that places defines loneliness.

I have gained another pound, consuming several cups of twothirds broth chili.  Wetter than I like, just added a bit too much right at the end.  I am *cough* very regular, and ketones are measuring 40 plus, so...  Oh, not water build up either.  Very strange if weight isn't even a goal.  Further, some third of the pain is from getting smaller... dimples in my sides as volume shrinks.  Fasting does work if other factors are covered, enough is eaten, and blood work is ongoing.  I rounded up the keto goop, minus a certain vitamin.  Now to add it occasionally, as needed to help with physical activity.  I am definitely feeling drained, if pain dissipated quickly today.  Yeah, a keto mix and that vitamin, maybe a mess of them, part time on top of dailies.  If I can get something going, then work and walk, perhaps doubling up would quadruple results?  So long as I watch things, maybe.

Imagine being the one who dies, the witness, and the one behind it all, at the lower levels.  Penance?  One would hoqe so.  Not quite a loop, save in... a way.  I can't get out.  Still, so be it.  Would far rather suffer here for another hundred years than even a day in pergatory.  Amen.

Later.

As sleep beckons pain returns.

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While it returns, and in a global fashion, rather than raw and brutal as a jackhammer it is still as any great din though from a distance and furthered mellowed by snowy ground and fog.  It increases as I linger, so to be brief.  Still to suffer for another is no terrible price, or as I see things.  The more concerning pains are all but gone I think, so far.

Chili was made.  I amgetting good at it, even with inferior beans.  A couple of cups of the bright stew filled the hunger.  I need more, and consistent, food.  Perhaps I missed more than I thought, for I feel stuffed after three to four cups.  No worries.  A roast beef and chicken drumsticks will be cooked tonight.  Need something beside a bean dish, for certain.

Life is better.  Some work two days in a row.  And back to a bit more reading.  The room had grown too cold, took a day or two to figure that and alter patterns.  Good night and be well.

I think I hit on something.

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Much better if still a bit tired.  Pains, all around, have improved.  I do believe I was excessively dry.  Ther are still a few issues, if solid food will help.  Dishes, the batch in action, is ready enough for a rinse and use.  Mostly need a stock pot for chili.  I worked the cast so as to fry burger, it can get a bit funky if not used in a bit, even if cleaned well before storing.  The meats are all thawed as well.

I did shower, set the laundry for a short run, and am about to hit dishes.  I will probably set the burger to go as i set dishes to soak.  As hot as the heater is set, in the big bin, it takes an hour or two for reasonable handling... the trick is to get it when it is still very hot, so drying is fast, glass stainless and such sparkles, and germs are reduced.  I'm more interested in sparkling than germs.

After reviewing air compressors, researching to my ability, then thinking things over, I finally pulled the trigger.  The sale at one site, was only an incidental bonus.  Of course now I need a hose, parts, perhaps filter options as well.  It should do everything I need, maybe want.  Not sure if I need 3" nailing or house paint, though I am not sure, regardless of advertisement, if this or it's competition would do that.  They refuse to be honest.  What does fulltime versus intermittent really mean?  How long, really, is fulltime.  I'd love to try the low pressure paint system.  If it works well enough, I'd like to repaint every room.  Dreaming, but if it simplifies enough, possible.  Should handle the various tires, and is portable in all ways if needed... can go 220/240 too, if I wanted to tie it down.  Happy.

Hmm.  Time to start things.  Later.

A bit better.

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There is still pain, everywhere, just of the sort I can just say "Meh" about.  I took a day off the waterpill, might do one more, then cut it some.  I just didn't realize how much less I have been drinking until paying close specific attention.  Yeah.  

After checking for heart attack symptoms, and that definitely not being it, not a true crushing pain, no sweets, no shortness of breath, the other pains being so different, and the length of symptoms?  No.  Still that did leave me curious.  A solid pain inventory suggests excessive inactivity plus, maybe, becoming too dried out.  Sitting and laying too long, almost without breaks, just makes the body sore.

I did a few things yesterday and am in line to do more today.  I've set laundry to a short tumble, plan on a shower after I wake, checked the thawing meats.  They are ready, so chili later, a roast in to be done as well, and chicken tomorrow.  I plan to brine the chicken, then grill it, with hot pepper sprinkles.  I'll probably finish the last of my rice to go with the chicken.  That should buy the time to get to town and buy beans and butt, oh, and kefir grains.  The store-bought kefir worked with store-bought milk, but not with raw milk.  I do fear if regular kefir grains don't work.  I will be... left wondering about this and that.  I'd better get anacin too.

Speaking of thefts... I noticed my smoked paprika is being borrowed.  How do I know?  I bought it years ago, tried two teaspoons, didn't like it so haven't used it since.  Went to use it as a color marker on eggs and it was mostly gone.  Pro-tip... many of my spices are way too old... wouldn't advise.  And I best not find you in my tools, especially with sockets gone missing.

Later.

Might not have been the snappiest...

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I am surprised anything got done, but the whole list?  It hurts, a lot, almost everywhere.  This time work exacerbated everything that hurt.  Oh, well, was going to hurt no matter what.  The shower is open, in case I canuse it, laundry save for what is in the dryer and the maddening sorts of which there is rarely enough to do, especially in "efficient" washers.  Gah!

The hope is, after reading and prayer, a shorter sleep then to shower, warm the clothes to finish, set the dishes to a soak, then hit the kitchen.  I really think I need a solid, more rounded meal.  My stomach feels like it's empty, save for food it can't digest, like cardboard or such.  Lung are a bother too, as if chlorine infused... dried chemically but still wet somehow.

Doc wants an appointment.  Due to finances, not until Feb.  Should check on ssa, though it looks like I've been blown off again.  I need medicine next month.  Can't afford those and a doc call in the same month.  One thing at a time.  If ssa hasn't done anything by then I guess I will have to reapply from start.  Yeah.

Hungry?

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Is that the primary pain?  It sure seems like it.  The scale disagrees, oddly.  In spite of eating one smaller meal a day, four eggs and a quart of milk today as an example, plus drinking only just at a gallon a day with no fluid retention at all to the point of watching and shuffling meds, I don't quite get it.  I am losing size, just not weight.  Even so I think hunger is a large part of my problem.  Meats have been put out.  No pork butt on hand, but beans are first anyway, in that meal, and I don't have them on hand either.  I do wonder if refried beans have to be pinto or if black beans would work?  I won't try that until, if ever, I master the standard recipe.

Before I can cook I need to do a lot of work in the kitchen and do a bunch of dishes.  I am hoping to do that before the meat is thawed.  Another meat-heavy batch of chili would work.  I need to get ground pork and lamb for variety.  A little mix and match really adds to life.  I'm thinking of trying mixed meatballs with spaghetti and how I do sauce these days.  Cooking is a lot of work, with all that goes with it even more so.  Still, have to eat and eating out is well beyond my paygrade, even much of what is bad food.

It may be about time for a nap.  I'd like to switch out the laundry first, perhaps give dishes a final wash then set them to rinse, and fold and store the laundry which is dry.  Some of it?  Later, either way.

Pretty rough.

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From when I attempted a nap this morning and failing to now, through sleep which happened much later, I have been harshly sore.  Anacin is gone, but shouldn't be.  In August I had two spare, plus one open, only about half used.  What sucks is even if I could lock things up, being inside they would just pick the lock or figure a way around.  Thefts aren't as frequent but they still happen.

The pain is worse in the "morning", at bedtime, and while sleeping.  Usually recovery, in the "morning" is quick... usually.  This "morning" isn't the best.  Why both bottles?  Really?  I have been doing bits and parts of work each day.  Not getting to much, if three areas get stepped at least one advancement.  A bit here, then there, between blank moments.  If I could do more work, over a few days, I think that would work out the knots and pain.  I'll keep trying.

Not much else for the moment.  Perhaps bits from the book I am still working on later, if I can focus.  Reading isn't as regular, a few chapters daily most days.  Good reading.  While it might be Catholic based, as a former protestant, I could see it having been good reading.  Only, however, if you think Christ's life is truly worth studying.  From what I have seen most Christians really don't.  No matter what else, for most, no matter, dying is for losers.  Hell, even the first pope denied Jesus three times.  The Rock, upon which the church was built?  He died for Him very painfully.  No complaints, all said and done.  And humbly did he die.

Another nap?

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That is the goal, but things haven't been working as planned and hoped lately. Prayers are nice but... then again that isn't why I pray.  Still, no choice. I must sleep.  If I can just nap, maybe I can do workday stuff.  If not next week.

While I was winding down it seemed like a good time to check blood sugar... 174.  That is down 75 to a 100 points in less than two weeks of daily fasting (eating only within a six hour window per 24 hours).  I might have gone without eating for two days in there, due to fog, but no more.  And, yes, I ate, well, today.  Now to drop that last 75 and keep it at 100.  Docs have said that they want it down to 80. Never.  I nearly pass out at 69, I fear coma. Docs are... either murderous or stupid a little too often for my trust.

Food on the mind.

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Fasting is good.  So are treats.  However treats don't need to kill the program.  Ketones are measuring between 30 and 45 in just a week and change.  A fast food with all the wrong things won't wreck that for me.  The problem is, when I start that way it isn't easy for me to stop... like the chip commercial.  And, yeah, I want to keep ketosis going.  Sorry about the bad breath from it, but I'd rather cure diabetes than worry about social niceties.

I have found that if carbs are homemade, without sugar or other weird forms of carbs and else, I can handle those well.  As a treat I can do that rarely, even in excess, especially with the right fats.  It will neither throw ketosis off nor create a feast frenzy beyond control.  Using good whole carbs, homecooked, with the right recipes, and life is golden.

Another day, another chance.

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Thursday?  Good.  I was thinking it was Friday.  There are things I hope to do before the weekend.  Not sure it's  possible, but a day is a chance.  When sleep arrives while groggy beyond reason what day it is or will be upon waking just doesn't always work out as it might seem.  More so when wave after wave of off days and nights batters the senses.  It is amazing that I am tending the girls, medicine, amd food.

I am fasting again, daily fasting.  Because of the fog I usually eat one meal a day.  Some of the pain, as I remember from the last time I fasted, is from internal shuffling.  It isn't that I am losing too fast, mostly.  It is that my body hasn't been in this size territory in thirty years.  Organs, connective tissue, muscle, and fat all has to try to puzzle itself all together again, and on a still changing area.  Add in extra long sleep sessions which put that under extra stress and, well, things will hurt.

Why try to lose weight?  To be honest that is not even one of the actual goals, merely a potential side effect.  The real goals are to control, perhaps eliminate, diabetes... again, affect heart rate and pulse, and otherwise improve health.  Medicine won't do it, neither would surgery.  Modern Western medicine is a partly controlled death, not a way to health.  You have to choose health, work for it, know when and regarding what to trust your medical employees, then go from there.  Do your own research.  Would you go to a clothier and just tell them to dress you?  People wonder why they can't afford doctors but do that very thing.  Doctors pretty much just sell pills.

The pain often goes shortly after getting up.  The fog seems to last, never fully lifting.  Wait, I think the last time I was fasting I researched brainfog.  There was a couple of vitamins, a ketone starter mix, and...  Yeah.  I'll round that stuff up and begin using.  I don't think it will help with pain, but that is far less of a problem than a semipermanent daze.  I want to get to some work and projects.  Love working when possible.

The dress shoes don't fit. I'll need to return those, trying a 13 in one of them. I hate buying shoes.

Later.  Actually it might be naptime.

Had to laugh.

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While youtube has locked up, for the most part, sjw's push a volley through.  It was based on me not being wed.  Thing is, for a man, being single isn't a major issue.  Even as ill as I am I get through.  I'll never go through menopause, become as weak, or even become invisible (ask any women at the tale end of middling, if she has superior genes).    I can still flirt with college aged women on up, I am noticed.

I'm attempting to imagine the type of females and males who would be happy about such: females first; middle aged divorcees, women with no prospect for whatever reason, and young women who have been in the easy lane and are just about to hit the fork... going into the difficulties of life with a chance at risky success or staying with the easy life until prospects are gone; the male side are the guys who will never get to see a woman once, possibly not without paying for it.

It is funny.  Women who can't give it away or who haven't learned yet, and guys generally considered below giving it to.  Dogs end up higher on the ladder.  Laugh as they may, even if that can be counted as a failure, along with my illness, I have a far superior life.  I even have children, by women who wanted them and really with exactly me, not even just one, nice looking in that time.  I do feel for those like that.  Even their attacks merely show how terrible, miserable, sad, their lives are.

So much for a nap.

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I didn't do all planned before the nap.  I didn't sleep as early as planned.  I did get several tasks completed, including a few that weren't on the list.  There is always more to do and often more to tasks than what can always or easily be anticipated.  Which is fine.  What was it I heard?  Ah, yes.  If you find yourself in hell, keep going.  While this is decidedly not hell, it is as close to it as I would like to be.  So? So keep walking!  * shakes head*

At 5:30 Ifinally went down.  Pain has been rare and mild.  Fog is here but not a complete shutout.  I am rested, fed, medicated, and well.  I thus thought it would be a nap.  Thirteen hours later and I am just waking.  Intense dreams, alighter sleep, but all good save minor body aches from laying too long.  Those usually pass quickly, especially if I can get to work, which is probable.

I finally discovered what MGTOW means, beyond the words.  No, that isn't my deal.  I simply didn't find wifely material both of us could agree upon and I realize time is up.  If I had a correct diagnosis I would have been married.  I passed up some very good options specifically because they told me wrong.  I have no problem with men who are dropping out, or women.  Especially seculars.  If sex is just for pleasure marriage is foolish.  Perhaps, for many men, they honestly can't afford a woman, alone, definitely not with children, in more ways than financial.  Some of them seem seriously sour grape sorts, been there done that even having sampled... broadly.  I finally can afford but it's too late.  So it goes.  Now I know though.

A shower, a bit more laundry, and dishes.  Always more.  First to more fully wake.  Was expecting packages today, did not arrive.  Bleh.  Later.

Better, again.

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No pain, rested, though still a bit foggy.  If plans work laundry that is dry will be folded or hung then put up, dishes will get a first shot, then a shower and shave.  Perhaps a nap around 3:30 give or take an half.  If there is more to me after that, dishes will be finished and by then a trip to the post office, perhaps trash to the outside bins on the way.  That will leave life open for a trip to town soon, just a bit of shopping.

Of course, first thing, making the bed and "morning" prayers.  Wherever, and whenever, you are, there you are.  Oh, and one of my orders of dress shoes is in.  It it fits, and I like it, I'll be looking in that brand for a pair in brown.  I don't have many dress outfits, but enough for at least two different colors of shoes.  Plus variety.  Not required if not purely a luxury.

I have missed making the bed, and various prayer times, but do rather much better after solid advice, a plan, along with some to me astounding successes.  I don't know why successes in so many areas happened all at once.  This has been the intent for more than a decade. I have tested things too.  I... am surprised.  I mean to research some things along certain lines.

Wish me luck?  Later.

Hmm?

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Right bedtime.  Way past bedtime.  I was going to bed... ten or twelve hours ago.  It was believed, felt like the time, would have fit the typical schedule.  I can't tell you what did or did not happen to make that so.  I turned down the heat, medicine and food were administered, nothing unusual happened.  I think I am nearing being awake for 21 to 22 hours.  Really close, or over that.

Oh well.  I am feeling better.  Not numb just better.  Good night and day.

I don't know.

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What time do I wake, go to sleep, this day or that?  While I am doing better, seemingly more able, why do I fog over and end up doing so little.  The want is there.  The will and muscular aspect of flesh seems solid.  Prayers happen especially when things seem at risk.  Snow, which surprised me, but then nothing.  And it is bedtime again.

There is tomorrow.  The pain remains if milder.  I will read from the book, usually two to four chapters depending on several things.  Prayers and sleep finish the day off well.  Things are set up for work, a shower, and some other potential tomorrow.  Hey, if you aren't just waiting for me to die, and you happen to pray, might I bum a few words from you to God.  Even if you don't think He listens to one such as I, you know he listens to you, right?  *grins*  Prove your bona fides, if thats what it takes though, I'll probably include you in mine.  You will need it and more.

It seems youtube is refusing much access.  If they are a dying company or simply completely sjw converged, if that is a repeat though the cause may be different, it looks as if youtube, by making me dead to it has become dead to me.  When the politics of your advertisers is more important than your and their clients, as if that is even really possible in anything but a thought police state, your business is done... until it is a full police state, if too only as long as the state survives.  I think they are doubling down in their death throws.  I hope so.

Does youtube want to know what would potentially save them?  Cut their ad-free fee in half, guarantee vids older than five years so a user could download and re-upload should an account be banned, allow consumers to privately choose the races in ads if they choose not to pay, and stay completely out of politics, being involved only when compelled by law over a vigorous legal and political team.  At this point they seem to be a party to the worst elements of government control.  If that wins, they will become a part of the bureaucracy as they are in China, and probably other nations, including Euro state agencies.  Then they will really begin policing themselves... don't think most sjw's will like how Trotskyites end... just like the others, simply more stupidly surprised.

Wow. Not as bad as anticipated.

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I truly thought shoveling was going to hurt.  As broken, beat up, and crippled as I have been I really... wasn't looking forward to it.  Just getting dressed for it seemed to wind me.  Happily half of the drive was cleared, the sun must have shined?  Even some sun can do much.  I decided to get to it as quickly as possible, which wasn't exactly impressive.  Still it was what I could do, and not bad all givens.

There was between an half inch and two at the deepest.  It seemed pretty wet, if it was well into freezing.  It went quickly, as smoothly as I thought only to be dreamed.  No extra pain, no enhancement of the pain, even the pain from the start dissipated with the snow.  Still with the fog, but not exhaustion.  I do wonder how much faith studies might help me not just tame my penchant for sin, but also add to my simple ability to function.  I already have charitable work in mind.  If that would be silly if I am not taking care of myself and my home duties.  Still it is a goal.  Charity, love, starts at home.  If not I think it is a false pride?  Summit like that.

There is always hope.  Now to finish the chores set up yesterday.  If I can catch up on regular stuff then I can dig into so much that is in arrears.  Who knows.  I don't agree with all this book suggests.  I don't think that is the point.  It isn't to become Christ, it is to explore that with my whole heart and mind and soul.  This book makes that much easier.  As with the Bible this is a book which won't be read then set aside.  Might read it again right away.  Hmm, I should log my disagreements, explore them, then review in my second reading.  Don't know about you, but I can be a fool to even a God damned fool.  If it wasn't for His simple true full love and forgiveness...  Still it's what I have.  And it works more than not.  Good to test and sort it though.

Later.

A short break.

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I couldn't sleep as quickly as hoped.  Just an hour off if that seemed to throw things way off.  Sleep was good.  I needed more than thought.  Each time I woke an attempt to wake took place.  Pain returned about half way through, not as bad as before.  Solid, steady.  I could sleep through it mostly so I did, which again extended sleep.

It's not a terrible 'morning', just tight.  I looked out.  Some of the snow is gone, but I still need to shovel.  I hope it hasn't frozen in.  I'll be to it shortly.  The pain isn't as bad as it has been and even half the sleep being pain free allowed a good rest.  A break on two fronts definitely helps.

I see Trump is winning.  In court he reclaimed the right of presidents to do their job and keep terrorist prone populations out for long or all.  What he ought to do is repatriate every foul orc allowed in by the illegal ban on his action.  As well, I have to believe that the feds could find real federal crimes against not just the San Fran murderer, but also public officials involved with the murderer and case.  How can murder by an illegal NOT be a federal item?  Illegal status is a fedral item, so any crime committed by them must also be federal.

As well, president Trump undid two Zero federal land grabs here in Utah, and is looking at more than a score of others.  One of them was on my personal list, the staircase.  I once knew a... man... who pretended to be a friend who was so happy with Zero's actions.  I told him, if Trump won, no other repug but Trump, he might rescind.  Laughed at, told never done before.  I looked him right in the eye and told him Trump was different.  No coward like repugs he knew, and a winner.  I know he is raging as much as I am pleased.  Courts, of course, but he is doing well there.  Further, if he wins, no Repug president will again be allowed to betray us.  Actually?  This may be the start of the first federal government bureaucracy real reduction I have seen in my lifetime.

Now for him to politically and physically survive the various sorts of assassination attempts by the enemies of the state, domestic and foreign.  Supporters have our roles too.  As with Judge Moore, knowing good and right against agents of the liar is not just a right but a duty.  We DO police our own, it is time we do it rightly, not allowing them to whisper lies in our ears to kill careers of right men.  Even our men who have faults are better than their "men" who don't even believe in virtue or sin.  Just think about that for one hot damn minute!

Anyway, have to wake then get going, in... a bit.  Later.

Better for no good reason.

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The pain lifted.  It was there, like a ton of bricks, crushing the life out of me.  I just went about life.  Suddenly I realized the pain was gone.  A bit of stretching and testing seems to prove it out.  Not that I am suddenly full of vim and vigor, but if pain stays abaited I might get there.  I loaded dishes, started on food, and hope yet to do a load of laundry through, with a load dried out and in the dryer.

I may nap in there, hoping to get to the post office by it's noon closure... unless it's some sort of holiday?  Don't hate, I usually don't remember my birthday.  Not a health thing, just my specific brain wiring.  I have attempted to correct it to no good ends.  Can't find calendars with Christian and US holidays either, and the smartphone/apps reset with every reset.  I gave up.

A bit of a problem is that it is snowing.  I don't know how much is expected, will check.  The plow isn't attached if I doubt it will be needed.  However that still leaves shoveling.  I'll definitely need a nap in there.  If the pain stays gone perhaps a good recharge can happen in a hurry.  If I can finish dishes, the first shot, I can leave the shower open for when I wake.  Then do laundry and reset dishes as I edge to a walk to the post, or a shovel and drive.

Sorry, Buttercup, I just don't think death is in the cards.  What was all that about?  Perhaps a different kind of death.  Yeah.  Maybe.  Men, some, don't end in some ways.  But when they realize the hunt is over, they can park it out back and just walk on.  A different sort of death.  That is my bet.

For some reason the Catholic links have stopped populating in youtube.  I don't know if the authors can reject, or if that is sjw action on yt's part.  Or even advertiser complaints.  I strongly suspect one or both of the first.  Happens often.  Should check to see if the vids have been yanked.  Yeah.

Later.

Can't fix it.

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Pain.  I can't sleep through it, medicine isn't solving it, anacin isn't touching it, neither fasting nor food are helping.  Just because one suffers, and there can be good from bearing it, doesn't require mere submission.  There are limits to management.  I suspect it will come and go.  I am unwilling to take anything addictive.  Better to suffer, and that even with broken ribs.  This is not that.  I wonder if a senator can handle a bit of pain?

Sleep is no longer full for it, stretching sleep so as to attempt to obtain a fuller rest.  Rolling and tossing while searching for comfort.  Pillows being used as wedges for areas which are getting too much pressure and wear.  I let the girls in sometimes.  Just for portions, for their will and to have some company.  As well so they aren't forgotten, to make sure to remember that they need food, fresh water, and litter changes.  Yeah, they let me know, if sometimes they try to take advantage.  Just like kids.

I won't say this is the worst, only that it's regularity combined with it's intensity is wearing thin.  Further all efforts to relieve either aspect has thus far failed.  I am out of remediations.  Time.  Patience.  Prayer.  On the good side, medicine, food, and sleep are doing well.  I get sleep, and some rest, if a bit fitfully and through excess.  I have tried pushing through on raw limits, but that just creates a huge mess.  Would rather split my day than end up with bits and parts and no regularity, from which I am still recovering.

Prayer, reading, basic care, and what else is possible continues.  I'll... keep at it.  I need to get out, just to be out, soon.  Bleh.  Later.

Troubling.

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For the moment I am stuck.  Prayer isn't getting me anywhere.  I was able to set up meat, mostly ready.  I have been making the bed, saying prayers, taking meds, feeding and keeping up on the girls, and a very few very small other things.  My ability to simple will to effort is broken.  Food, heat, medicine, sleep, all being tended to no good ends.  Patience, continued prayer, continued effort.

I'm not feeling the best on top of things.  The lungs are just off still, perhaps other things.  I'll keep things in mind, do what I can when possible.  I think this is it for the night, mostly.  Reading first.  Good night.

Death.

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Not a concern, not an immediate risk, not pending or threatening or seen proximately, only the newest topic in my reading.  Of some concern to all, no doubt.  More so to those so busy winning, or having others win for them, doing their own thing, or otherwise not focused more steadily on the real long game, that of the soul.  I won't say I have no concern.  I am certain I have seen the final act, in as much person as possible.

I wasn't ready then, not quite.  I was at the line, but I knew I wasn't ready.  Others were there with me.  Terrible that fear.  Seeking the problem.  Even those who were ready, and then would go, did so casually.  Even then there was fear.  It is stepping away from life with death, surrendering sin, changing in unknowable ways.  I believe, if I am at that same line, I will truly simply step in.  Some need not make that step.  I hope more I am in that crowd.  Not from my efforts or recent successes, mind you.  Even if I sinned not even one more time, my just desert is complete and utter destruction.  Only my faith in God, in His sacrifice, will save me.  While I do remember the line, my faith is far greater than any fear.  So... death isn't, so much, a concern, incentive, or such.  It is merely a door I know will be there at least one more time, the only one leading to right grace.  It is a choice, I have chosen.

Still another several videos popped.  The one I suspecred seemed right.  I also found several videos on the rosary.  This, if I go there, will be the third attempt at the rosary.  It... takes fortitude, focus, and some... other things.  Bead chops, I have heard them called.  Would like to add them to my morning prayers, and say them when enangered or my feelings are hurt, and before otherwise reacting.  Yeah...  Never you worry, if I'm not sure even I always have that kind of time.  If the goal isn't perpetual prayer but behavior modification.  Though too, if one doesn't work the other is still a better option. I need to find one of my rosaries first.  Hopefully the one with much larger beads, if the smaller one's use does serve as penance.  If that gets going I will add the vids.

I best get food started.   I think I have been double fasting.  Don't want to go to far accidentally.  A few days is fine, but it needs to be a conscious, defined, thing.  Fasting is no longer a health thing, at least not in the majority.  It is a thing of faith.  Here is the video which satisfied my contemplation.

What brutal sleep.

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When did it start.  I only know that getting to bed was difficult.  The body wanted sleep but it, we, or I, was stuck awake.  Sleep is deeper lately, or seems to be.  Sleep was good until I became stuck in it.  I woke solidly several times but would lose my grip.  Even now wakefulness is very tenuous, and painful.  The combination is definitely worse... pain pills, first thing.  Yes, bed made, prayerful planning, even if I end up back down.  Some days remind me of the river run.

The lungs, I think, are still sore.  As one begins attempting to solve a problem, other potential solutions arise.  The first change didn't fix it, but seems to be a good choice for other reasons.  The next option, I suspect, will fix the problem in time.  It didn't come about quickly, it won't become well quickly.  Perhaps, if I can add walking to my routine, that might help.  But in this cold?  Ah, and shoes...

I have ordered new dress shoes.  Even 13 in most of my footwear is way to big.  With 12's I can wear the heaviest of socks, even with a thinner second sock.  After I sort dress shoes I'll need to obtain regular shoes and boots.  I'll keep even the 14's, just in case.  Perhaps some 13's will still work.  Messy, but medicine is finally doing it's job.  Odd how, until the correct dose was given, and given time to work, it's as if my body was trying to drink itself to death.  Once the bodily flood was fixed, and a comparative drought was established, the thirst diminished to much less.  A gallon and just a bit more a day now. I feared my thirst was going to explode.

Everything is one step at a time.  Fasting, medicine and the right dose, shoes, clothes size, figuring those with money and sleep issues.  I've lost two pounds.  Given that water weight is controlled, all weight I lose will be real.  I must be careful about weight gain, as that might be purely water weight and require adjustments.  It is what I have and as good as I can do with it all.  I think prayerful planning and review will help a great deal.  I believe it has already done things I had come to honestly, in good faith, thought must simply be suffered, along with compunction... a word I still don't completely grok.  I truly wonder what else might be possible.  I will be looking for little opportunies to serve, ways that have nothing to do with me.  I... already have one potential, if I am afraid.  If you know me, you know fear is more a baited hook than a barrier.  Woe is me, I just hope I can make it work.  :p  Do need shoes that fit though, right ones for the tasks.  One. thing. at. a. time.  Amen.

A nap.

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Longer than usual.  I needed the fan but only used a throw.  I read for a goodly bit from the book of recent note, The Imitation of Christ.  The last few chapters covered both compunction and... isolation?  Okay, I understand quietude.  I realize I talk too much.  I am working on that.  With company being rare this will always be difficult.  Even having a wife around probably leads to much more discussion than is remembered.

I speak to the girls, and they understand more than I would have believed, but it isn't two-way.  If you haven't vowed to silence, this is difficult.  I am neither an introvert nor extrovert, I can live happily either way.  But a visit every few weeks is, well, a stretch.  I'm just not sure where even to find company or make friends, even where that physically possible.  Most people seem to be extremely limited in what they discuss, and with whom they converse.  Some men don't even include their wives or brothers, some men don't talk to anyone.  And woman realize what they often deny, men and women can't really be friends.

Trouble isn't what it used to be.

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I don't know about you all.  I do know about me.  It wasn't all foolishness, youth that is, but it had seriously foolish moments.  While obviously not physically immortal, I promise there are those who would not wager their life on it, or again in retrospect.  For one steeped in the secular, drowning in the perfume of youth perhaps especially already well tainted with an aura of death, that death wasn't obtained is a bit of an oddity.  Some of it...  Fighting even to this day if not the same, mostly.

A new day.

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Sleep is still messy.  I don't know when I actually finally went to bed.  It was after 6:00.  I couldn't sleep before that.  I wanted to, needed to?  Up at about 15:00.  It'll probably be another short day.  I am hitting things right up front, because I can and because I don't want another nothing-burger day.  Focus, cognition, memory, and simpler physical stamina all seem greenlighted, so I will use them as possible.

First thing was a start on laundry.  A load was left in the wash.  Vinegar and another shot, but seems okay.  A load out was sorted and stored.  Dirty laundry has been gathered for at least another load, and clean clothes have been put in the bathroom in prep for a shower.  Then, for the first time I made the bed then did morning prayers as both a prayer and planning time, including God in the program.  If it looks like I'll be awake even most of a 'day' I will have a midday prayer and review.  Otherwise, if I crash too hard and soon, then that will be the end of day prayer.  If I don't crash too hard and fast.  Not a dibetic thing, I have been watching that.  It's the usual high but stable.

No reading the last few days.  I've been failing too quickly in what passes for a day, then too quickly when I do lay down.  Prayers, and succes against vexing sins, has been continuing.  To think fifteen years, with all the effort I could offer, prayer, and all else, then to solve most of it in a single day.  No, I did not just become iller or older, the temptation remains, grows.  Perhaps it will lead to a form of death, if that is appropriate at this point.

Hmm, best check the clothes.  Later.

Do you have a headache?

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Do you want one?