Too little sleep.

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A side effect of the glucose tabs was a sudden spring in my step.  The stuff woke me.  As well, I became terribly hungry?  Very strange, but well worth the effect... pretty much an immediate cessation of the symptoms of falling blood sugar.  I used the recommended four tabs.

Next time I will try two tabs, as well a bit of food.  I wasn't expecting the hunger, so wasn't braced against it.  I will be next time, if willpower isn't always a perfect defense against powerful natural ebbs and flows.  Blood sugar jumped a hundred points exactly.  I believe that was mostly the tabs.  Oh, it is a lower blood sugar, and what I am eating, which makes 70 ~ 75 F even feel frigid.  The tabs warmed me right up.  Fasting blood sugar has come down to 164.  Not perfect, but a start.

I did eventually get a call to my mother, but just a scant few words on her way into work, yesterday?  She called just a bit before I woke today, so I called her back.  Happily we connected without too much rush.  She is better, but the shingles will leave a mark.  Behind her eye isn't hurting any more.  Now she knows what a demon that illness is.  I still would rather she had taken my word for it.  But you know women!

Kidneys feel less inflamed, but that comes and goes.  Still not regular.  I ate a whole cabbage the other day!  And bowls of chia and flax.  Something bound up in there.  Perhaps not enough fat?  I haven't been doing fatted teas or coffees.  I have been cutting calories as well, generally speaking.

Oh, my aunt wanted me to have her new number, part of why my mother called.  I... had best take a hint.  Not today.  But since I am awake I will hit a few things.  I feel like death, not even warmed over, if at least not so frigid even with the cave having dropped to 70, at the time I woke.  The carbs, they warm.

A fatted coffee shortly, medicine and cold tea, then a shower as tea brews.  Later.

It really doesn't make sense.

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I tested an hour and a half after supper.  At 154 it seemed really high.  Keto food, sardines and chia and flax with half and half.  A normal dose with dinner.  It seemed wrong, but I know better than to take even a small dose of extra insulin even with food.  I decided to wait another hour.  It dropped to 99!  Yeah, I guess it just takes longer sometimes.  But why?  The food wasn't overly high in protein, only four total carbs max.  It wasn't complex food, even the sardines were well fatted in olive oil.  Something just isn't working inside.

I can go on to bed.  I'm not worried about it crashing anymore.  Would probably wake anyway.  I found the glucose tabs, or were they in the newer batch?  Anyway, I have set it up so that if I feel that dying feeling I will get some down.  I have to mentally prepare or I could get lost in such a moment.  Nastily dangerous, lethal.  My guess is the 54 drop... I was lucky...  The 59 wasn't much better.  But I am getting to the point were I can tell it is dropping too quickly, even before the meter will show it.  Tunnel vision, the shakes, probably go pale, nausea, and chill... worse than usual lately, as much as a couple hours before I hit bottom.  I just couldn't find the gluc tabs.  Now I have them.

Tomorrow, a start?  Calls, bills, medicine, things?  Good night.
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 Okay, maybe not to bed.  I decided to wait an hour and a half more, or rather I got lost in wakefulness.  Blood sugar dropped more, to 77.  That is awfully close, especially while trending lower, and starting to feel rough.  Four carb tabs, but I want to see what this does.  Not sure I can stay awake.  Ugh.

That didn't work.

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Not sure if this has been attempted before.  I tried to not eat, just using insulin when the numbers suggested, on the reset terms.  For whatever reason, using insulin while fasting doesn't work, most of the time.  It either did nothing, blood sugar went up, or it went down.  About a third of the time for each, or it failed to lower blood sugar two thirds of the time.

So?  Back to eating.  As keto and calorie conscious as possible on top of that.  I still feel the need to void.  Kidneys are hurting like hell, regardless if my docs say you can't feel them.  Ever been rabbit punched?  You can feel them.  Even my testes are sore.  I suppose a she would suggest you can't feel those either?  More chia and flax.

I have actually somehow gained weight, while both adding fiber and needing to use three furosemide 40 mg tabs and still getting leg and feet swelling.  I have gained five pounds, by my scale, until a few days ago, since checking after seeing my doctor.  That with fasting in there and having cut fluid to a gallon and an half from more like two to four.

Legs are sore.  Muscles.  No where else.  Migraines are transitory, part of why the fasting.  Some months I really wonder why I don't die.  If anyone has earned a ride on that train...  I can't commit suicide, or let the doctors give me bad medicine.  I am obliged, willingly at this time regardless of the pain and confusion.  It is a holy obligation.  If I am for life, how could I not be for my own?  It starts at home, and doesn't involve quality of life.  Sometimes suffering is all there is.

Sardines and chia plus flax, separate meals by a bit, might not sound all that good, but it actually isn't too bad.  Sardines first.  The near-beer cereal last, as it keeps the sardines in their place.  Something about sardines, as if they were still trying to swim once downed.  Hunger, even as weak as that can be on keto, adds a special yum to almost anything.

Later or good night.  I'd like to do a few more hours and a final read.  If possible.

I can't seem to shake it.

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Quit?  No.  Realize I am, for the moment, licked and alone?  That is simply facing reality. The torso seems a bit better.  But it has been replaced with the makings of a migraine. No matter, if I can work I will.  I am absolutely freezing, too.  Life gets tough.  Not much to do about it.  I have to figure things out.

Blood sugar is 84 waking from a nap.  It usually goes up through sleep, had been 148 a bit before sleep.  Average is 122 weekly.  I am in all sorts of trouble.  I am not exactly sure what to do.  Later.

A strange night.

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It was 48 F or so at around midnight.  Fasting blood sugar was 157, after a first meal and insulin, it was 114.  Later it was 124.  I forgot to check before the recent meal, will check as I go to bed.  It is a strange, dark, night.  Most pains have eased, but my chest hurts.  The bad sort of hurt, or so I am told.

I figured out this new brand of chia.  It takes much longer to swell into a pudding.  The last brand, if I used hot tea, would fluff in fifteen minutes to an half hour.  This brand takes an hour.  On the good side, at least there is a way.  And it is just as good as the other brand, when given the time, but costs half as much.

The indoor thermometer reads 71.6, but it is freezing.  Well, feels like it.  I want to stay up to 5:00, then take a nap.  I want to wake by 8:00 or 9:00, then do some work and make a few calls.  Hopefully get back to days.  It's a complicated mess of a life.  There is hope.

More sleep.

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Sometimes I have a choice, sometimes not one way or the other.  I had no choice this time.  I didn't see it coming.  The countdown started as soon as I woke.  So much so that I forgot medicine and aspirin.  After just waking, I took medicine right away.  I will skip the aspirin as I hurt enough less, down to the three to four out of ten mark.

Sleep was quite good, much needed.  If I could catch up on sleep and bm's, life would be at zero sum.  It would be easier to get back to work.  I will work when possible.  I still feel like going back to bed, as when I woke this morning.  And it might happen.  Again without choice.  I would like to stay awake long enough to take night pills, about six hours... or until 1:00.

Rough.  I had to push it to make it to medical.  I... my days and nights, this weather... 42  F last night.  It might have gotten colder, but it got at least that cold.  At 19:30, it is already down to 68.  Heat isn't staying well, even with hours of sun left.  Something was already wrong in the world of men.

Now, if in opposition to what man claims, the world of nature is cracking, breaking, ripping.  It is easily seen, and on most continents.  At this rate a mini ice age will be getting off light.  Too bad co2 doesn't actually warm the planet, or cranking it out would be a plan.  Hanging scientists and politicians who have destroyed economies with what I am sure they know were lies should end up hung though.  They have and are wasting fortunes and resources for a grab at a one nation world government.  Evil.

Well, on to something.  Later.

A real sleep.

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Eight hours, give or take five or ten.  It required the fan blowing at medium high.  And it really isn't enough sleep.  It is all I could get with the sun out and outside temps climbing into the mid 70s.  My stomach hurt through the night and into the day.  Even while sleeping, when I would near waking or the cats would maraud, I could feel it.  I thought cabbage would help, plus volume of the meal.  I will try chia this morning.

The pain, after some pushing and prodding to find exact locations, are on the exact sides, midtorso actually just below the ribs, as well as a third in from either side, but lower into the lower abdominal areas.  Aspirin again with medicine.  I don't use it every day, do I?  But much more frequently.  If extra chia and ground flax, minus nuts which I suspect would bind while whatever else is wrong is happening, doesn't help, I may try grind psyllum husk I have and adding that in until their stuff arrives.

Oh, I need to call in.  The doc shorted me on insulin.  And, actually, doing even mostly as she asks may require even higher doses of insulin.  Eating fuller meals, or letting blood sugar be higher, and definitely both, requires double and triple the insulin dose if control is reduced even so.  Choices.  If she wants blood sugar below 180, I either have to seriously restrict food or heavily dose.  If she wants a fasting blood sugar below 120, only my way works, which is more insulin use efficient but requires more than she is offering.  Her way will probably take three vials a month.  I know... I prefer her way, eating-wise.  Didn't have enough insulin to do it that way.  Still don't.  Wasn't given enough to do it the efficient way either.  So either I have to cut doses and not hit those requested blood sugar numbers or they have to send enough.  Choices.  Not in my control.  Personally, I think they forget to take my size into account.  Bigger animal, larger doses.

I called my mother yesterday.  Twice.  The first time her phone was off or out of range.  The second time it rang, but was quickly sent to messaging.  I'll try one more time, then leave it to her.

Later.
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She answered but was heading into work.  A quick short talk.  Oh, and the sideaches, when I stand, actually the pain goes back to the kidney areas.  Just... notes.

Now it is bedtime.

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I wanted to do a blood sugar test before sleep, but took insulin late.  I based insulin on consumption, having forgotten to do a premeal reading.  Must have hit it just about right, 111 is the final blood sugar read for the day, and the only one.  I'll have to remember to do that, and blood pressure reads again.  I figure two bp checks a day, with every other blood sugar, say "morning" and "lunch" or "dinner", perhaps alternatively.

The towels should be dry.  I may just give them a short spin extra, as I go to sleep.

Yes, I still hurt.  Not sure, hoping extra fiber will help.  At this point, that is almost certainly the problem.  Good night.

After weeks of more humble dining, a better meal.

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Laundry all going.  I should be able to pull from the dryer and cycle the white towels.  Dishes were all reset, but that is it for them tonight.  Dinner was a mix of better items which mix well, and a rare luxury, potato.  Lots of garlic, plenty of butter, onion, and everything was cooked just right.

Other than changing the laundry out, I think it is bedtime again.  As noted, I will sleep as needed, if it isn't a choice this time.  It is just at midnight.  I am so exhausted I am having to push to cycle laundry.  No worries, I will do it, then sleep, wake, and work again.  All good.  I think I need to take medicine and insulin as well.

Good night.

Still Saturday?

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I am so confused!  I thought it might already be Monday.  Such long days and little sleep, then waking up into Saturday three different times.  At midnight, then a nap from ¿6:00~8:00? Until noon, then sleep again from early afternoon until 19:30?  I can't be sure about the times, only that I am certain I woke three times, after heavy sleeps, into Saturday.  And, strangely, there is still quite a bit of Saturday left.  Possibly enough for another sleep and wake, if I think not.

I continue to feel like hell.  A dozen and more bm's on and I still need more gone.  Oh, cabbage!  And a beef roast.  Well, and chia and ground flax every day for a bit.  Cabbage and those seeds for cereal, along with plenty of fats in butter and cream, helps.  I had cut back a bit much on food.  I simply have to eat more, and fatter, and much more fiber.  Odd how cutting consumption in the wrong way leads to weight gain.  If I don't think it is from fat storage.  It is from g.i. food hoarding.  Thus actual mechanical bloat. It isn't gas.

I'll get started on dinner, hit laundry which while dry could use a quick warm spin as well as starting a load of whites, then hitting dishes.  Nothing fancy, do what I can.  Perhaps more if I get those all on track.  I finally had enough sleep to do something.  Days and nights aren't right, but oh well.  I haven't done what I wanted to do, I have done what I had to do.  Weather has been absolutely nuts on top of it.  We are still cycling not just between spring and summer but winter and summer still.  I count the 30's as winter.

I'll... do what I must and attempt what wisdom divines, as possible.  Later.

Attempting recovery.

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Sleep problems, physical problems, backed up in contacts and business.  Getting to hot, then too cold.  It was 60 F yesterday, 38 F, later last night.  I finally had to turn the heat up.  I did grill brots and a small lamb chop.  I've been finding those of a superior brand at reasonable (for lamb) prices.

I couldn't sleep, yet.  I'll feed and water ducks, then the girls, and hit it.  I have been awake since midnight, but after three exceptionally long days with little sleep.  I think I went to bed around 17:00?  More like 19:00.  I need a lot more sleep.  I sort of let diabetes go, as the doc asked.  That... isn't going to work.

I will get things sorted soon.  The cave is improving, it is bills, business, and personal I need to tend.  Later.  Actually after calling my mother, dealing with the duckles and furry ladies, it will be bedtime.  I will try to sleep as much as possible for the next few days, and work like hell when awake.  Good night and day.

Finally, much needed sleep.

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In really rough shape lately.  Too little sleep, blockage, other troubles.  Two of those things are being fixed.  And it is cooler.  It is physically cooler, but the hair cut helps.

At 234 blood sugar is really high this morning.  My last blood sugar test this morning was high enough to take insulin, but being bedtime I didn't do that.  I'll get started back on things today.  A regular dose, plus, but with chia, nuts, and strawberries.  Yeah, a start.

My midsection still feels rough.  I have had several more bm's.  I need more if I would rather a break on those.  I am not sure about that.  Does insulin cause backing up?  Eating chia more often should help with that.  Could it be that cutting fat and calories caused the problem?

Sore, tired, cool to almost cold.  I won't do much today.  Recover.  Get meds down.  Maybe a few chores, food, rest.  Later.

Strange things.

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It seemed so cold.  But I have become a pansy regarding temperature sensitivity.  At even 73 F I have been cool.  So initially I didn't dig into that.  But it wasn't just cool, it was cold!  The thermostat was set at 66.  And that was the temp!  It's nearly July!  I closed everything up and turned up the furnace.  I'm just not up to that level of cool.  I decided to check outside... ~35 F?  Crazy.

Long hard day.

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With little sleep, only two hours yesterday, and two very long days, I had to get to the V.A.  An appointment with my doc.  A1C has dropped over three points, from 12 to 8.7.  There are still problems.  BP refused to go below 134/93, pulse was unusually high at 96.  As will, kidney function is still week, but stable.

I let her know of my frustration with incapacity.  She suggested psychiatry.  I told her they had been given decades and proved to be incapable, incompetent, and downright dangerous.  If they know how to help they refused doing so.  Besides, it's not a mood or mind issue.  It is simple exhaustion.  Something no antidepressant helped.  Most actually exacerbated.  So, no.  The only process that had any sat effect was the treatment of "ptsd - without cause" treatments.  But those did what they could.

I hurt all day.  A band about ther torso, as if belted with a baseball bat right after eating a large meal.  And as if something tore in there from that.  I often hurt early, but it fades.  This was all day.  It is back, after seven hours sleep, but less severe.  It may be gas, as unusual as that is for me.  Or part of it.

I ate nothing while out.  Waking at 4:30 getting back at 17:00, only drinking from a fountain once.  Blood sugar, with nothing but that sip, went from 129 after waking, to 110 at 8:14,  123 at 11:34 and finally 145 at 17:11 right before eating.  I crashed so hard after a bowl of menudo that no aftermeal read was possible.  it is 131 as a true fasting read.

She wants me to not use insulin if the read is as high as 180.  I initially agreed, but have changed my mind.  That is too high.  I will go with 150, for now.  Below 150 and no insulin.  Of course that means titrating down starting at 180.  Hmm... 180 - 150 = 30,  30 / 15 cc's = 2, so for every two points below 180 I shave a cc from the dose?  I think so.  Math...

As well, there is a very small addition to carvedilol.  I am thinking the slight elevation was due to a lack of sleep, over several days.  At first I wondered whether I had missed morning meds, but checking this morning that wasn't the case.  Just a bit more, two of the smallest doses.  I am right on the edge of capacity with those, so it's a hope that a bit more is possible.

On the way home, I did grocery shopping.  Much needed veggies, some meats, basics. Then to the car wash.  I asked them about two vehicles.  They have  a program that will work, possibly.  I haven't switched to it, but will when I am in better shape.  Finally, I went in for a hair cut.  Went with a flattop.  It will take some training, and may not work out.  But... it is done.

Today, from travel and business, my body is hurting.  Joints, muscles, some skeletal.  From pushing sleep as well.  At least I was able to see my doc for a last time.  They see so many of us, one probably makes no difference.  Especially a difficult one.  I see so few each has importance.  When one is stuck pretty much waiting to die, no matter how incapable of that, the value of those interacted with takes on new meaning.  You never live as while you are dying.  Later.

At it.

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Still feeling it at the corners.  Green about the gills, squared where things should be rounded, bleeding and hurting in there.  My torso isn't sure if pulling an Elvis or bleeding out is the way to go.  Pain just isn't going to be allowed to be an excuse, even a reason, today.

Laundry has been given a reset.  More later.  Much more.  Medicine in.  Blood sugar is 129.  I am calling that definitely the lowest fasting blood sugar at least since starting insulin, probably ever.  My average is down to 117.  I wondered how the average could go down with the actual number read being higher.  Of course, the number it replaced in the set was much higher.  It replaces either 171 or 193, the first two hour before, the second an hour after.  Funny, that.

I best get started.  I will take aspirin.  It might help.  Good day.

I was still feeling awful.

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It was probably just something I ate?  Blood sugar was 130, right.  One meal and one small dose of insulin had brought it down nine points.  Then a fatted tea and a near full dose.  Whatever.  So I showered, stripped the bed, started laundry, reset the larger portion of dishes, then sat.

Worse.  Quickly.  An hour before I should test again, but something was seriously wrong.  Ah.  Blood sugar dived to 54!  I had started food, bacon and eggs.  Strange.  Okay, the strawberry preserves are not a problem.  Ugh.  This is rough.  At least I kept checking.

Quite a tidy bit finished.  Laundry is drying.  Perhaps a nap.  So shot.  Then again that took my average to 119.  Later.

Better, still troubling.

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Bedding has been stripped and is washing.  Breakfast was had.  I got a shave in.  A vinegar ketonic is being sipped, a shower planned.  Dishes are being slowly sorted.  Medicine is in, save potentially any insulin which might be needed.  Not bad.  Not much but something every so often.

I tried sugar free strawberry jelly, jam?  It is supposed to be 5 grams of carbs, no sugars, per tablespoon.  I had a teaspoon, in with chia, flax, and a very small group of sliced almonds and walnuts.  As well, half a cup of cream.  I went with a smaller dose of insulin.  At 130, blood sugar is high.  I will need to be cautious about the jam.  Though perhaps a fluke?

It feels like it might be dropping though.  Maybe a bit fast.  I checked, feeling odd, as if crashing.  It did drop to 102 , but that shouldn't have hit me so hard.  Perhaps the lime juice is dated.  Something is just off.  After taking a shower, getting fresh bedding on, finishing the ketonic, resetting dishes, and having a fatted tea, I may nap.  If I can make it.

Later.

Ugly, weird, annoying.

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Down after 13:30.  How much later is pure speculation.  I looked right at the clock, going over the ridges and valleys of the pronunciations of the terms with tongue and thought and all.  I knew even then it wasn't sticking.  I could have written it down, but if I had been able enough to have thought myself through to there, I wouldn't have forgotten the time.

Now, that bedtime, by itself, is one of the two 'gooder' options.  To either sleep early so as to pick up early, or to stay awake to the far side of noon so as to pick up daylight.  Grueling?  That is the only cut my jib knows.  If you like the cut of my jib, come a little closer and I'll give you a fistful of it.  No, bedtime was fine, if punishing.  It was bedtime, as an extended intensive play, on top of waking time.  The most optimistic length of sleep is four hours, after a slightly less draconian sleep cycle yesterday, and an extended waking period both times... probably eighteen to twenty hour days?  I think it is the heat?  Or, really, warmth.

Oddly, other than some sense of midsection pressure, as if gassy but not, and mild grogginess, I don't feel terrible.   Blood sugar is also... okay, at 137 fasting, two points better than yesterday.  And it may be the lowest fasting blood sugar since starting insulin again?  Still, it is a bit rough.

The hope is another shave, a shower, back to a juggling of dishes, bedding change, and a load of laundry?  That is the plan.  Then a nap?  Maybe.  It's a tough one.  Later.

How does she do that?

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It isn't that I don't trust her.  Though I don't.  It isn't that I feel the need to watch every single detail when... entertaining her.  If I must.  Well, and the rest.  It's just... I don't even mind, women are women.  It's, well, interesting that while denying the actually know.  Dangerous, devious, capricious, and it all comes down to sex.

No doubt in my mind.  If they get good frequent sex the rest of the world may burn.

This seems to be her response.  Thank God my penis isn't removable.

It is well past noon.  I need sleep.  Blood sugar is 107.  Good night.

Yea? No.

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Couldn't sleep.  Little bits of work were ongoing.  Why?  No clue.  My last blood sugar was 94, 91 before that if I hadn't mentioned.  I decided on one more meal.  Bacon, eggs, milk, and a small fatted coffee.  I will test one last time before bed.  If I can ever sleep!  Argh!

Music popped.  Oldies, mostly.  Strange... patterns.  Some new.  I can't tell, if I... never mind.  What is she doing?  Remembering.  Perhaps dreaming of those memories?

A rather good day.

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Aspirin helped. A lot.  It won't handle everything, or always anything fully.  But it softens the blows.  Medicine doesn't help or hurt, at this point.

Breakfast was good.  Eggs fried in ghee, bacon reheated, a tablespoon of salsa... yes I am measuring, a small fatted coffee, and a light dose of insulin.  I went with 8 cc's since I was close enough to 140.  Perhaps I should have gone with 10.  Blood sugar was 119 after two hours.  Not horrible, but 80 ~ 100 would be better.  Though it is far better to go a bit light than too heavy.  Far better.

An hour after that read and I am soaking chia and flax, with walnuts and pumpkin seeds this time... if half those latter than before.  I don't mind a very large chia and flax mix, but nuts and cream... the high calorie parts... have to be cut.  I will do about 6 cc's of insulin with this.  It is an experiment.  It is the volume which suggests using insulin.

A shower after.  Dishes have been getting worked.  After a shower, bedding and one load of laundry.  When that goes in the dryer, it will be bedtime.  Early.  Push, hurry, go!
---------

Beautiful.  Slid it to 91 with a 123 weekly, a 143 biweekly and monthly average?  Really?  There are 35 samples for the last seven days, which means about five readings a day.  As well, 69 for biweekly and 170 monthly reads.  I think the biweekly and monthly are the same because of crashes and jumps, still... irregular.  Careful, reasoned, deliberate steps.  Heart medicine as well.  Truly a wonderful program.  I think this is just shy of the two month mark.  A year from now, if I can keep up, this will be done.

It helps not feeling like an animal caught in a painful death trap.  If only I could cash it in for more... life... f... father.  Not that the pain has stopped, I am just... used to it?  Yes.  Dishes are ongoing.  A shower, change of bedding, more dishes set, all other laundry back but no laundry started tonight, a fatted tea, and then to bed.  It's already way late.  Ugh.  Moving so slowly.

Later.

Fascinating.

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Sleep is still crazy off.  Fear of a negative blood sugar spike has kept me up.  That and chasing the last gasps of my capacity in order to wring every bit of work possible out of a day.  Between the two I simply am getting lost.  Stretching my day is stretching my body.  I'll down a fistful of pain pills with medicine this morning.  It feels like my body is cracked front the right shoulder to the left hip, with tears from the bellybutton out in other directions.  How is that kind of pain even possible?  What would do that?

Sleep was great.  I collapsed into a dog rag heap and, utterly spent, mostly just went dark.  I rolled a lot, more than usual, and fought something often.  And was with women through the night alternatively.  Women sure can be mean.  Good thing I don't care, and if far less frequently, am actually far meaner.  Oh the mean things we used to say and do.  Not... hatefully.  Just... well... it's part of the dark beauty of love.  Roses, thorns, pain of various sorts, and other whatnot.  Sweet though too.  War is a lot... less complicated.

Blood sugar is 139 fasting?  Wow, finally.  I can definitely take that.

Today?  Too late to get out.  A shower as soon as I can wake fully enough.  Then rinsing dishes, bacon and eggs, a fatted tea, and on to collecting and tearing down boxes.  As well, I may have enough for a load or two of laundry, plus changing and washing bedding.  The goal is to hit things quickly, knock them out fast, then sleep early in order to wake early.  Force the things, ignore or treat the pain as required.

While I have lost days, and dealing with controlling diabetes and fears in there were a legitimate part of that, reasons can't be allowed to become excuses.  I have to push back to days as hard and fast as possible.  I need to act as if I was in school or at work and couldn't afford to miss.

So.  Yeah.  Perfection isn't possible, not even for the healthy.  But getting back on one's feet, as soon as possible, is a choice.  I might get knocked down and dragged around far more often, but I just have to steel myself against it and to get back up.  No, life isn't fair.  Deal with it.

Later.

Some of it.

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A shave.  Dishes washed again then set out.  A break, one I couldn't end.  I kept hoping I would get up, go in, shower, then set the dishes to a rinse.  Nope.  I just lost my mind.

Blood sugar is up to 103.  I can live with that.  Nothing else eaten, consumed.

Too tired.  I best get to bed before I mess up even worse.  Good night.

It ain't pretty.

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Problems?  Many.

I got lost.

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In my mind.  It took a while to eat.  I have given the largest batch of dishes a once over. They will need at least one more run.  I did a few other small jobs.  Finally a meal.

Scrambled eggs with bacon and cheese.  As well, hash browned cauliflower.  Not great but not bad.  I need to brown those a good deal more.  They will never be as potatoes. It isn't the taste or texture, it's the missing starch.  It worked well enough, for me.  I should have had salsa with it.

I forgot to take insulin, so finally took it two hours after dinner.  Then set the alarm for two hours.  A fantastic blood sugar of 95 averaging 131.  No complaints.  I believe I will have a fatted coffee then go to bed.  I... will trust this lower number.

I will hit the dishes one more time, remove them and maybe shave and shower tonight or in the morning.  I need to do much tomorrow.  I need to be ready.  I will attempt to do these things yet tonight.  Yes, after checking, I did pull the barrels back to the cave.  Little things, here and there.

Later, or good night.
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Couldn't sleep.  Did have a fatted coffee, a small one.  Since then, blood sugar dropped to 84 then recently is 88.  My average is 128.  I messed up with the dishes.  Forgot to reset fully.  I still washed them and reset.  I will give them another shot, then maybe shower before resetting them, or shave and leave them out and dry so I can shower first thing.  Or shave,  do dishes, rest, then shower?  Ugh.  I want those things done, but dragging ass to the point I have doubts.  Good night.

A start, a real one.

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With trash and recycling out, cat litter cleared, dishes remain as the worst offender.  Plus, I had run out of clean frying pans.  Oh, and the stovetop was a mess.  I wanted a shower first, but I ended getting to things ass backwards.  I started clearing and cleaning then never stopped.

The stovetop is clean, waxed as well!  It's a glass flattop.  All dishes are soaking.  It's a start.  Incentive as well.  To shower I will have to do the dishes.  In an hour I will pull one of the skillets, clean it and the spatula, then do an egg scramble.  Insulin, a light dose, as well.  Three eggs instead of four or five?  A quarter cup of cheese instead of an half cup?  A teaspoon of heavy cream instead of a quarter cup?  Two ounces of bacon instead of three or four?  An half cup of cream in my fatted coffee instead of a full cup?

Cutting everything, a little at a time, until weight loss begins, then paring more steeply.  Skinny guys think fat ill guys can just go do.  Sometimes I think so too.  It just doesn't work out that way.  Until weight at least begins to drop, working out is next to useless. I would like to swim, but that is a bit different.  No, I have to lose some weight again first.  Funny thing?  I probably won't notice the difference, especially on keto.  I am just used to larger portions.  Habit.

Crazy weird happening.  It was doing lightning and thunder out there when power went out.  Fine, it happens, quite frequently out here.  We must be on an ancient subsystem.  The strange thing?  Only half of my house went down.  I turned the main breaker off then back on.  Surprisingly, to me, that worked.  I feared I would have to reset each individual breaker.  Thankfully not.  I have never had that happen in the decade I have lived here, until now.  Actually, I have never had to reset the breaker, if I have shut it off for things.  Odd.

Well...  later.

Okay, maybe.

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Cutting calories, on top of pushing keto, maybe, is showing results.  Eating just enough to control, taking just as little insulin as possible, yeah.  Blood sugar is 146 fasting.  That is the best I have seen since my first blood sugar plunge.  Absolutely awesome.  I am learning how to manage reduction without crashing.  It takes willpower, dedication, a bit of luck, there is a learning curve as well.  But temperance and a few other virtues are required.  I'm not good at virtue, but I pray for it, seek humility, will make do.

I believe scrambled eggs, with bacon and cheese, and a cold small fatted coffee, with a mild insulin dose, should do.  Perhaps this weekend or next a three day fast.  No insulin no matter though.  Yeah, I might be back to fasting.  I have to be either all in, or all out, of it to fast.  A bit of cold tea and medicine as I wake.

Oh, odd.  It looks like no one else put trash or recycling out.  I wonder, is today a holiday?  Has trash day changed?  Though, sometimes, as with myself, not everybody takes trash out on any given day.  It may have just been a fluke, if that is rare to see no other out.  I'll check in a second...  Trash did go, not recycling.  No complaints, in any case, the town and county run a good show.

On to waking, breakfast, a shower, and eventually a shave.  Plus some work.  Later.

Not as planned.

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After the 83 read, the next was 93, 85, 88, and finally 101.  I... am not comfortable with blood sugar that low.  No difficulties this time, other than staying up so late.  My average is 136, again again finally.  I am stuck going to bed now.  I stayed up until blood sugar came up enough.

I just don't trust blood sugars that low as I go to bed.  No siree.

While up, I have done a few very minor chores.  Including oven baking bacon, which I nibbled attempting to bring blood sugars up.  But just a bit, tempting as that is.  I've got to hit it.  Later.  I mean good night.

Gooder.

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Trash and recycling out and to the road, bins bagged, refrigerator cleared too.  Oh, I will clean, clear, and get cat litter out as well.  I am hoping to shower and shave as well.  Maybe.  I did eat in time to prevent a major crash, but still feeling it.  Tough titty said the cat to the kitty?  I will do what I can and sleep a bit earlier.

It won't be as early as hoped.  My next blood test had to be reset, and I have a few more things to do.  I'll do as I may, get to bed quite a bit earlier, and push waking earlier.  I have things to do, places to go.  I want to dig in this week, perhaps swimming, hiking.  I... hope.

It is good to have the trash out and canisters bagged.  A shower would be super, a shave grand.  It is sometimes all about the seemingly little things, especially when chained, as lightning, branching to various areas, topics, chore lines, more when chained and extended.  I love to work when possible, heck... even when and how impossible.

Later.

Going to try something.

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Blood sugar dropped to 164.  So I made coleslaw and had another, standard, dose... which is about 16 cc's.  I prefer even numbers.  I actually Don't mind obvious factors of odd numbers, such as 15, 9, 28, etc, yet will still take an even, especially prime, over an odd number.  Yeah, okay, I am a number snob.  After two hours, blood sugar is down to 84.  I am feeling it.  A fatted coffee, a bigger one.

The reason for a bigger one is that will be it for the night.  And, because the blood sugar drop feels a bit extreme, two squares of dark chocolate, 76%.  It is about 5 carbs per square.  I'll test in two hours, unless I begin to feel worse.  The only thing I hope to do is get the trash out.  I just won't do more as sickly as I am feeling.

Ugh.  I can only try.  Sometimes it works, sometimes it does nothing, sometimes it overacts.  On the good side, I might be able to sleep earlier.  If blood sugar comes up, I will sleep.  If not, I'll have a bit more to eat.  Actually, a pickle, ten green olives, a dash of whipped cream on a small swerving of canned fruits seems wise.  Ugh but those drops can be a bitch.

Later.

Lack of sleep?

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Blood sugar is really high, at 214 fasting.  I didn't go to bed until nearly noon.  My last read, at 8:30, was 126 without having eaten or dosed for quite a few hours.  I think?  I pushed my day between six and eight hours.  Then woke, without much choice, five hours later.  I had a well deserved headache all through sleep, when I could be aware, and when I woke for a bit.  Oddly, that passed before I got around to taking aspirin.

Ducks and brushing first thing.  Medicine in, back on track with that.  And a large dose of insulin on an empty stomach.  I am not going to fib about my usage or else.  Yeah.  I think this is needed.  I will check in two hours, and fix something to eat.  I don't think it is calories, but I do need to cut those.  I think it is having extended days and grazing.  My food handlers never get a proper break from insulin reactions.  Though when I am trying to push through, it is difficult to not eat.

I am going to try a food/calorie log, with weighed portions so as to get more precision, or accuracy?  Both?  I am not losing weight.  I can't lose quickly with food alone, but I can't work out well at my weight.  I HAVE to cur calories and I HAVE to get in and swimming.  Got to do it.  I love swimming, I just have to do it!

Today?  I really need to get the trash out, get dishes started, but shower first, shave later.  I may have enough for a load of laundry.  And boxes... collected, torn down, then dropped off.  Can I?  I have to start.  It isn't about can, it is a must.  Sore eye my foot!  (As an example)

Later.

Still awake.

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Attempting to salvage days.  Between warming and medicine problems I lost my footing.  I have things to do which require day operations on top of my will do keep to days.  If I fall down, I need to get up quickly.  Am I just too old, or still ill, or is it really the medicine?  Whichever, I may die trying to get back up on my feet.

I have been checking blood sugar every few hours, the most recent and highest for the morning was 123.  I am staying awake for another read, may not make it.  Won't make it.  Exhaustion hit quickly.  Good night.

About that time.

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After going without insulin, with a fatted coffee, blood sugar went up to 132.  Not bad, but I didn't like that. So a fatted tea and a minor dose.  Two hours after that meal and blood sugar is 126.  That is it for the night.  I expect a high fasting blood sugar.  I just do.  The body is being weird.

Odd what is remembered, in what order.

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Not by me, unless as an after affect?  Something.  What others recall.  Digging, but never saying a thing.  Quietly strumming through the chords of Doom, playing songs and writs with purpose.  With hope, in faith, charitably?  I... think there are such involvements.  Perhaps not directed at me.  Fine.  As a guitar, guitarist, or one man band, some might confuse the song for the singer.  A good song is beyond any singer.  The humble singer is happy to not be the focus.  I am not even the singer, or story, just maybe a bit player.

If a to b isn't linear?

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The meal, insulin, and time did next to nothing.  Two hours after the fasting read, I had the meal and insulin.  Four hours after the first read, two hours after technically breakfast, I took a second reading.  At 198 I was perterbed and disappointed.  So I thought about it for three hours, took a dose, checked an hour after that, and it is 92.

Again, at this point, I am uncertain about what to do.  A fatted tea or coffee, a heavier one.  But insulin?  Probably not.  I just don't get something.  Perhaps my organs really lag.  Definitely doing keto.  Following insulin instructions, to the point I have them.  I don't think they expected me to get that low so quickly?  The instructions don't make sense, though I may have forgotten details... no insulin below 150?  Yeah, that might be it.

I will just have a fatted tea.  Saturday?  I lost track of days.  Was hoping it wasn't Monday.  I'll figure life out again soon.  Thermometer is reading 75 in here, but I feel cold?  Weird.  Life is just strange.  Later.

Yeah, that is so strange.

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Fasting blood sugar at 204 doesn't make sense.  Too little sleep didn't help?  Two smaller meals and a smaller fatted coffee, with blood sugar being lower all through the day.  Keto food, beyond a doubt.  Very strange.  I guess I just keep at it.

A meal a bit ago, and a standard dose.  I waited two hours after the fasting read to eat, but didn't do a second read since I had neither dosed nor eaten, and experience has shown that unless I do one or both of those things nothing changes significantly.  The last of the pork, mostly scraping off the bone... a favored portion of meat hereabouts.  As well, a layer of cauliflower mash with butter.  Really not a bad meal.

I am hoping to find a recipe that uses crushed cauliflower, mozzarella, and a few other things, to produce a pizza crust or bread.  I also plan to attempt faux hash browns and or cheesy hash browns.  I want to explore this.  I do like jicama as a french fry (baked) replacement, but it would take a lot of work to shred or make a mash from.

Keto, in order to have a wide variety, requires a lot of work.  It doesn't come in a can, box, or bag.  It can be wonderful, but it just isn't easy.  As broken as I am sometimes it is all I can do.  I really thought the heart improvement would do it.  Then I thought the blood pressure would help.  I was sure lowering blood sugar must be the final ticket to an easier ride?  Nope.  The medicines that helped and are now required to maintain?  Their side effects are as bad as the illnesses they are solving.

Life shouldn't be this difficult.  It isn't supposed to hurt to just be awake, alive.  Doing simple chores shouldn't lead to extreme stress or exhaustion.  But it does.  Most people would have ended this long ago.  I gave it many extreme shots, until I realized it wasn't going to work.  Draino, a shotgun, other chemicals, bottles of psychotropics, over an undiagnosed heart failure?  Actually, my extended painful life, if I wouldn't wish it on an enemy, is excellent penance, if used rightly.  I do try.  I sure try to dissuade despair, recommend life in every way.  Even, especially, when hated for it.

There is that.  Plus, I believe my suffering can be given for those in purgatory.  I did, perhaps even am, the crime(s), doing the time only makes sense.  Besides, doing it here or there, given the option from what I have seen?  Oh, I would much prefer to do it here.  Oh yes.  Absolutely.  If not all of it, as much as possible.  God's will, is my prayer, but without worry.  Later.

It is working.

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Premeal blood sugar was 109.  Very good.  Dinner was as planned, save that I didn't mash or rice the cauliflower.  I intend to do that with the remainder when it cools.  I just took too smaller portions and sprinkled cheddar on top.  Nothing fancy but it worked.  I'll be up to do a final blood test and rice or mash the cauliflower, perhaps freezing some to see if that really works.

All medicine down.  I would like a small fatted tea, perhaps after the blood test?  No, now.  I will just test a bit later.  It is simply a good way to get in a bit more fat.  I always seem a bit shy on that.  I will report my final blood sugar.  Just a health log thing.  If I could work with the data...  Later.
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Not bad.  Blood sugar climbed to 121 at about the time I planned to go to sleep.  Couldn't sleep.  Tested again a few hours later.  At 111 I am well pleased.  A very good reset and reinitialization.  I couldn't have hoped for better numbers.  Amazing?  Yes.  Hopefully fasting blood sugar keeps with it, I just don't count on it.  This morning was just a fluke, probably.

I did rice the cauliflower.  Most of it was put in a bigger bag in the fridge.  But I bagged half a quart and put that in the freezer.  I want to see how well that works after freezing, texture, taste.  It seemed more like mashed potatoes than rice, but haven't tried any yet.  So who knows.  Good night.

Dinner at my leisure.

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The recent blood sugar read was 100.  Very happy.  I would have eaten anyway, it is simply better to eat with blood sugar better.  I will steam cauliflower, add cheese, and enjoy a slice of the pork roast.  Hmm, a smaller fatted coffee as well.  The thing is, should I take insulin?  If so, how much?

I think the program was 10 cc's, minus 2 cc's if below 150?  If consecutively, then dropping 2 cc's per test/meal?  I... will go with that but ask next time I am in.  I need to be cautious.  I know what I did wrong last time, once I thought about it.  I pushed two doses too close together.  While upping the doses as needed, to a degree, is okay, doing that and squeezing time is too much.

Some think they own their lives, can risk or dispose of them as they choose.  I used to believe similarly.  I realized, through trial, error, sights, and more, that life is more a gift, duty, or responsibility.  I don't, therefore, make risky choices, merely mistakes.  God cares for even these mortal coils dearly, even in these dark times.  And, as such, so do I.  Just a mistake, one I won't repeat on purpose.

Yeah, things are improving.  I did reset meds, got my first dose, plus food and insulin.  I am feeling better if it isn't helping as to function.  I will keep at it, as able.  Just one more meal today.  Later.

Better?

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A meal, a shot, and a read.  Two hours after dinner, a 114 reading was all I could have hoped.  I will have another meal a few hours after that read.  I will do a reading then.  A few days away from insulin reset things, in a really good way.  I will be trying to stick to the plan, not push, change specs (as much), or such.

It is getting hot out there.  In here too.  Summer has returned.  I may have a way to keep cool.  It won't be my favored way, but it is better to be cool than picky.  The upstairs windows can handle regular window air conditioners.  I may even sleep on the floor up there.  Just with a comforter and blankets in a sheet, with a blanket and sheet for over top.  With ac I need topping bedding.  Besides, I hate sleeping without a sheet or something over me.

I am hoping to get going, even tomorrow but definitely Monday.  I best reset medicine.  I have been taking it, but out of the bottles.  That is a sure way to fail.  Life is getting better.  I will keep at it.  Later.

Up.

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Given that I stayed up extra late to track blood sugar, I am awake at a reasonable time. Still feeling all messed up.  Going back on meds adds to the confusion.  It also helps clear up the confusion to some degree.  Though there is something about the medicine which introduces it's own fog of war, a confusion like nothing else.

I was really surprised with fasting blood sugar. At 157 it is lower than when I had been taking insulin a bit more regularly.  I really don't understand.  Something I am sure about is that on this particular insulin, many foods release their own carbs a lot slower.  Food just reacts differently.

I suspect the body can choose what chemicals and how fast from food, depending on what it's accountant suggest it has, needs, and perhaps wants.  Remember, your body is based on a history of food scarcity.  Though some of that may be hereditary.  Being part native, where seasonal feasting and fasting were natural, becoming overweight in a perpetual food abundance situation, as well as alcoholism and diabetes, is predictable.  Thankfully alcoholism wasn't my thing, or not in the usual way.

Actually, to expect a people who now lives decades beyond their usual environmental age, with access to excessive food with no real work required to obtain it, and with added access to medical which extends even the most broken of lives...  I am finally trying to handle diabetes.  My way alone wasn't working.  Their way wasn't working, perhaps a combination?

Just thinking.  Later.

A good meal.

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Slow grilled pork, coleslaw, and tea.  Insulin for good measure.  I made my own coleslaw dressing.  Nothing fancy.  Mayo, lemon juice, garlic powder, pepper, and a spoon to stir.  Quite good.  I purchased shredded cabbage for this.  It didn't cost any more when you count trimming weight.

While late, I will stay up a few more hours so as to check blood sugar.  It is starting to warm anyway.  That makes it difficult to sleep.  Later.
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Again, very strange.  A simple meal.  A single dose of insulin.  And?  Nearly a 100 point drop, from 193 down to 95.  I hadn't tested right exactly before eating but close enough.  As well, I mentioned that blood sugar has been running 190, plus or minus five points, for the last four days (after reviewing the device memory, for clarity).  So, yeah.  A one hundred point drop?  Okay.

Good night.

Failure after disaster after loss.

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Not to whine, just making notes.  Writing them in hopes of beginning again.

I had an appointment today.  I attempted an all-nighter, it was the only possibility.  As my sleep cycle is seeing me awake to nigh on midnight, waking to be on the road by 6:00 just isn't possible.  Usually I can push through.  This time I did, timewise but not functionally.

I did get a shower, had to skip a shave.  Got dressed, on the road, and a quarter of the way when I realized I was to late.  The interstate gets too busy about the time I was about to hit it.  A two hour drive can turn into four, more, but three is pretty usual.  I was out of time.  I did... try.  I simply couldn't go fast enough.

The mail was gotten on the way back.  I wanted to go right to bed, but wanted more to call, cancel, and hopefully reschedule.  This particular intern is going away.  While we have had our quarrels, I now believe we were both interested in my health.  I would like to see her once more and wish her well.  So I stayed awake until I could call.  I had doubts about a reschedule, but it looks like it happened.  Things can change, but... for now... it is set.

Medicine has been troubling.  I am back on pills, after missing them for fiveish days.  Back on for two days.  Not back on insulin... a bit today?  If I can eat.  Blood sugar has been about 190, day, night, fasting and after meals, plus or minus five.  Odd.  I will begin that soon.  I haven't been eating much either.  Just... can't.  I'll work on that too.

Something is just wrong.  I have bills to pay, things to do in and out, insurance to check, plates to have installed, a life to begin.  Something broken.  I'll try to get back to it.  Later, unless I  can sleep early.  I hope your world is working a bit better.  If so, or not, a vinegar ketonic cheers to you.  Not as good as a scotch, but it's what I do these days.  *cheers*

Feel like hell.

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That is, as awful as it sounds, a very good sign.  It means I am back to sensing my body more accurately, so in that, might be able to use my will as a lasso to capture, harness, saddle, and use my body again.  It does hurt, but life is pain, all I know of life, when I can know it.  Aspirin, first thing.

Blood sugar is 214 fasting.  I will work on that again today.  Medicine next, ducks first thing, cats in a few hours.  Since I have given up on the ladies successfully brooding without private pens, I will be chasing them out today or tomorrow and slinging and grinning.  I have plans for a different way.

A shower shortly, and shave.  Cold tea, then fresh, fatted.  Perhaps chia and flax.  Fresh meat tonight.  No, I need to debone the chicken and make chicken salad.  I'll figure it out.  Some light work today, more this week. It has started.  A bit of waking first.  May you get to some of your world.  Be well, by choice, even in the rain.

The world doesn't work sometimes.

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I was sure things were working.  I though I was taking my pill-form medicine.  I thought other things were being tended.  I have caught up on a few important things.  But I was amazed I hadn't been taking medicines since Thursday.  Very strange.  As for blood sugar, I tried two doses of insulin with meals through the day.  It just kept getting higher.

So I quit fussing.  My last read had been the 245 number.  I just quit.  I tested as I head to bed and the silly thing  is 138.  Phooey.  Whatever.  Yes, back on meds.  Ugh.  Good night.

Odd, again.

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Back to basics, but something isn't working.  Blood sugar is staying above two hundred, 245 the last draw.  Blueberries?  When shopping, I saw some that actually looked good.  I intended to freeze some, refrigerate some, and eat some.  Well... it has been so long since I have had berries, and truly superior berries, that I just ate.

I am still being cautious with insulin, but...  it should be doing better?  All done with berries.  Ugh.  Then again, in truth, I am just recovering from the blood sugar drop.  And weather is slightly better today.  Ducks and girls have been tended.  But I really need to clear the hutch.  Eggs and all.  I will set up a different situation for brooding, when possible.

I will figure something out, right, for my meal soon.  I'm thinking chicken salad on slaw?  Something.  I'll take aspirin again.  Some sort of weird headache keeps regenerating from the sugar drop.  It just won't go fully away.  It is better, milder each iteration, but tight, dark, and mean, as well as somehow cumulative.  It makes me think of a stroke, from things I have heard, without the other symptoms.  Aspirin is good for just in case.

Be well, God bless, later.

A strange yesterday.

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It is as if there wasn't a yesterday.  I couldn't focus, remember.  I forgot insulin, and my last medicine, and everything.  I think I was recovering from the low insulin event.  I simply dropped out of life.  I did test blood sugar, and ate small meals.  Blood sugar stayed around 215, plus or minus five.  I didn't mind.

Blood sugar this morning is 195 fasting.  I will get back int the race.  I am not understanding the problems, but have recovered well enough to begin hitting it again.  I am almost wondering if I forgetfully dosed twice, back to back, with insulin.  I need to figure a way to track it, just in case.

I do my best.  I will continue to do so.  I suspect no matter what system is developed, mistakes will happen.  It is, generally, improving a good deal.  I just have to keep at it.

I have fallen in all areas of life.  Spring is stuck, almost reverting as far back as winter.  That isn't helping.  Plus, when spring is undone, I fear immediate onset of a wilting summer.  Out of the freezer and right into the fire, with no pan time to at least have a warning.

Aspirin, along with morning meds.  A lot of things hurt.  My brain, somehow, just hurts... as much as that is possible and it is harshly possible.  I will do what I can.  I'll even smile.  Pain won't deter, or other.  It seems as if it should be a good Sunday, and so it will be.

Oh well.

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Blood sugar this morning is 218 fasting.  I made it out yesterday afternoon, did some shopping, had a bunless burger, then slow grilled a beef roast and had some of that.  It doesn't add up, blood sugar this high.  Nothing I ate was much volume, and the macros to calories should have worked?  My metabolism must be slow?

A small slice of beef, a couple eggs, and a smaller fatted tea...  Three eggs, dour ounces of beef, and only an half cup of cream in the tea.  That and the standard 10 cc's of insulin.  When I can get around to it.  Nothing is quite doing what it should.  This is similar to yesterday.  I'll watch carefully.  It doesn't make sense.  Some organ(s) isn't(aren't) working?  Which.  Am I doing something wrong with food?  Should I reduce insulin?  But the reads are so high.

Oh well.  Cloudy, rainy, cool.  I liked the shower so well I planned another for today.  A shave too, if blood sugar doesn't collapse.  My fingertips are becoming sore, but I have been required to monitor a bit more closely for a bit now.  What a week.  I am sure it will get better.

Not everything.

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She taught me as much as she could.  Only one of us was real.  I miss her.

I don't understand...

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Shortly before getting to the post, blood sugar was 144.  A can of sardines, a bit (too much) of dark chocolate, sand a dose of insulin.  Then I felt something wrong.  I was pretty sure what it was, not why.  Blood sugar is at 56 less than an half hour after testing eating and dosing.  How!?!

Beside the sardines, I ate 37 carbs.  Even 78% dark chocolate has a ton.  How could it drop that far, that fast, eating that?  I would like to do a few things but can't.  I'll fix a fatted tea shortly too.  I wonder if some of the sweetener was out-processed on top of reduced calories and eliminating sweetener?  Wow, spinning, sweating, dizzy.

If I can get to town I want to try a Jimmy John's keto sandwich.  Wow though, that was some drop.  A few more chunks of dark chocolate, but just 8 carbs worth (I don't reduce carb counts for fiber, that usually doesn't work for me).  Remember that time I almost passed out?  That is this.  I am hoping food figures in soon.  I'll test again in an hour.  Meant to shave, can't stand.  Coffee, fatted, maybe some sweetener, just not the type that was causing problems.  Ugh.
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Still a bit loopy.  Ate more carbs, plus a fatted coffee.  Blood sugar, after an hour, is up to 86.  Really?  Still feeling rough, really bad.  Crazy.
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After two hours, blood sugar is up to 106.  But I am still weak, with nausea.  I am not sweating or dizzy, but I am done for the day.  Wow, what a trip.  Not sure what that was about.  Oh, I did open a new vial of insulin.  Could it just have been more potent?  The other has only been open for between two and three weeks though.  Still, it seems like it was more potent.  Later.

Whatever.

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No sweeteners, pure keto, reduced calories to about half maintenance, insulin as recommended, and?  A 191 fasting blood sugar.  I am going to make one change.  Morning doses, and ensuring three doses a day whether I can eat or not.  Frustrating.  At least it is easy to eat less.  My last read later last night was 134.

A shower, shave, brushing, and meds.  It seems darker out there.  It is dark out there.  Another overcast day.  I am bleary-eyed from so much dark, dank, cloudy.  Still, as with many things it is good to find silver linings and enjoy what is available than wish for what isn't there.

Feeling a bit rough the last few days.  Organs feel bruised.  One doc says you can't necessarily know what is hurting in there.  I report, you decide, and I believe as I will.  It is less painful than it often is.  Perhaps just lower blood sugar is easing some problems?  My average is still below 150.  I just can't understand why it isn't going and staying down.  Though, as mentioned, it may need several days to a week to level.  Later.

I still don't get it.

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Better, sure.  After a the fatted tea and no dose, blood sugar was 178.  After scrambled eggs, bacon, and plain tea, plus a dose of insulin, blood sugar was 162.  Fine.  Didn't... couldn't... eat, so didn't dose.  Blood sugar is 97 now.  It just doesn't make sense, or to me.  I will have a fatted coffee, but that is it for today, other than plain cold tea.

I haven't done a thing yet.  Couldn't.  Kept it on my mind, will get there.  Maybe in a bit, or tomorrow.  Some of it.  I'll keep at it.  Couldn't doesn't mean can't or won't.  It's in the past.  The future is full fat and hopeful.  Yeah, I'll figure it out.  I will get things done.  A fatted coffee might help.  Later.
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Blood sugar was 113 with nothing but plain tea then 142 after a fatted coffee.  I will take a reduced shot of insulin, the rest of medicine, then on to bed.  Better, I think.  Getting used to going without sweetener is a pain, but necessary.  It seems to not have much effect until blood sugar, or mine at least, drops.  It appears as if insulin sensitivity increases the less of it there is available bodily, again that is my particulars.

I also suspect, at some point, that sensitivity goes away.  If the reading can be kept low enough for long enough, something gets fixed in there.  As mentioned, I have had diabetes removed as a diagnosis at least twice, if I am sure thrice.  But without heart treatment I wasn't able to keep focused, to keep from going back to sugars.  While problematic, caffeine and sugar allowed more activity.  As with many medicines, the side effects can be worse than the disease.  It is still difficult to avoid what allows function, even if it is fatal in the shorter term.

Good night.

It could be worse.

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There was some hope, with blood sugar staying in the 120s yesterday evening and night.  But no, blood sugar is 164 fasting, one point higher than yesterday morning.  It is better than 200 andd up.  Cold tea, from now on unsweetened, as a starter, with hot tea on the way.  I will have a fatted tea shortly, then a shower.  Since I no longer sweeten, I will try a tab of butter along with the cream, just for occasional variety.  Spices from time to time as well.

Sleep was okay.  Good actually.  The girls, or Sam... the old gal... was a pain.  I know it wasn't food.  So I cleared litter.  But that wasn't it.  She disturbed me all through the very early morning until I woke.  Even as cool as it is, or seems, it is too warm to close my door.  Especially since the window ac that fits in there no longer works.  It must have died in the winter.

Oh, meds and a fatted tea, then a bit of waking, then a shower.  My stomach is growling?  How very strange.  It is so rare it was thought one of the girls was snoring.  One of the funniest things.  Both do it, and fairly often... like little pigs.  Oh, funnier yet? Sam decided to come over and sit in an unusual place, just to check on the noise.  I ought to record her snoring, and play it back when she is trying to sleep?  She wouldn't get it, or wouldn't care.

Later.

Better. -ish.

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My next read was 121 after nothing but tea.  So I had a fatted tea and a fatted coffee, and a very minor insulin dose.  It is running at 123 as I head to bed.  I can hope I did figure things out.  That sweetener was the problem.  It may take several days to work out of my system.  As I suggested, sometimes the junk gets queued, lost, or otherwise stored or sidetracked.  I will give it a week before I worry about difficulties.

I am much more secure after today.  Further, with a fresh and new container of drops used, the probability of sabotage is reduced.  It wouldn't be all that difficult to lift the security seal and replace it, or even pass a syringe through or under and through.  Ask me how I would know.

Did you ask?  If so, shut up, that's how.

It's late, but fine.  I had visitors, with an arrangement for a future visit.  As well, I received a call, setting up an appointment soon.  So, sooner than later, I need to rejoin the living as if I mean it.  Which means grocery shopping by the end of the week.  Yeah!  Seriously, I need something something.  Having to buy bits of beef at a time.  But if ssd restarts, I'll hit up the butcher for a side, and get talking with a local hog producer to get one of those set to go.  Pay for it roughly in advance.

Bedtime.  Good night, God bless, and sleep well younglings.  Oh, trust me, you are ever so young, even should you be in your hundredth years.

Amazing.

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Two hours and small change after dunch (like brunch only later), a blood test.  At 116 and a twenty one point rise, it was great.  It was a decent sized meal.  As well, another half gallon of tea has gone through.  I may have a fatted tea yet tonight, or not.  I may have hit the problem, or biggest part of it.

I am suspicious that the sweetener was not causing problems as directly as one would think.  Sometimes it would cause a spike immediately.  Other times it seems my body would hold it back for hours, perhaps days.  Would it get lost in there, or simply have to wait in a queue for some or several organs to treat it?  I can't be certain why, I am now more certain that there could be no, short, or long delays on the effects of some or all of it.

Part of what kept me from sorting that out was that I didn't like that answer.  One more thing to give up.  The good life isn't the easy life.  But... it is good.

Absolutely bizarre.

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Six hours after my only dose of insulin... I had meant to dose after reading 197... without food or sweetener, my blood sugar reads 95 or a 102 point drop.  That after dropping only seven points over two hours and goodly change after a hefty dose of insulin.  I am suspicious that this isn't fast acting insulin.

I don't mind the read.  I was prepping a meal before I realized to check.  That will make sure it doesn't drop too much more.  Sardines, eggs, and bacon.  I really need to get to the grocery store.  I don't mind eggs daily, but twice a day.  So far so good, but I don't wish to push it.  Good sardines are easy to eat.  Better are better.  The best, as what I have, are a treat.

Particular hungers.

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A strange hunger.  Not precisely a single one.  I can't say I ever loved corn bread or palenta.  I can only suggest I enjoyed it rarely but well.  I have been developing a stronger and growing desire for these.  And palenta showed up in a recent meal which sounded good.  But keto?  Yes and no.  Definitely not the standard issue.

It is the sucradrops.

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Not their fault, just the way of it.  After the last read, I had a quart of tea sweetened with a very few drops from a freshly opened container of the generally better brand.  Blood sugar is 204 at a 41 point rise.  I doubt if I drank half the quart.  Most likely, over time, I have become susceptible to it.  As I have with all sweeteners.

On the good side, as blood sugar is generally dropping and the heart isn't back dumping blood into the lungs as much, my thirst has diminished so there is less need for the water pill.  I still drink between a gallon and an half and two gallons a day.  At this altitude and reduced humidity, given my size, it's not excessive.  Without being able to sweeten tea, I will probably have to cut more.  Tea, and water even more, cause my throat to close after a certain volume, half my current consumption?  Close.

I don't know if this is the only problem.  It is a start.  Why it kicked up the storm just recently is anybodies guess.  It is going to be difficult to surrender sweetener, but nothing has been easy.  Tobacco was downright brutal, carbs and drink have been easier, this?  I am hoping it will be just like those, slightly complicated but doable.

I do have other sweeteners, for occasional food use.  They are far less sweet and don't cause problems.  Something about heating sweeteners also means they cause fewer problems.  Yes, I have suspected, seen troubles brewing on this front before.  It would come and go.  Now it looks like the problem has become permanent?  That is how I am taking it.

The neighbor, who has been mowing, fractured his leg.  I thought I had more time to get to mowing due to that, but he was right on it.  He mowed yesterday.  I don't think he'll be doing that soon again.  I'll take over, should do their yard too.  The rumbling and bouncing hurt too much.  While he was backing the mower in, listening to his mp3, he didn't see me go out.  So... I started barking, like a big dog.  *Woof!  Woof, woof!*  Got him!  He was sure it was a real big dog, turned very cautiously.  Why so serious?  Life is good.  Later.

I may have solved it? Part of it.

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Going without sweeteners most of yesterday and the day before, I decided to have sweetener.  Over the last two hours all I consumed was that tea.  My blood sugars ended at 212 from a previous reading of 147 after which I dose with a small meal.  Yeah.  I think, as it dehydrates, it gets stronger.  Further, if I shake the bottle, crystals enter the fluid, making it stronger still.  There is also the possibility that over time, one, or some, bodies begin to treat this stuff just like sugar.  Though this brand seems to have this affect more than others.  I will try a fresh bottle of the other brand.

It was difficult to get to sleep.  When I did get in I did sleep well.  I am sore and very tired as I wake.  On the good side, blood sugar is 163 fasting.  Medicine, aspirin, a shower, perhaps a bit of work around the cave, then in two hours another read, breakfast, and a dose if needed.  If it ends up that I have to go without sweeteners, so be it.

A visitor.

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Eggs a day early.  And conversation.  The Mrs. is with their second child.  It, well, she has become a wee moody.  Yeah.  I suggested what I suggested to the other man who recently wed.  Learn fishing, camping, or howling at the moon.  Oh, well, at least he chuckled.  I asked if he would have believed me.  At first?  No.  Now?  Oh yeah.

A good long talk.  I think he is... needing a little time out.  I am thinking for as wrong as I did things, there... well...  There is that.  Life gets complicated, lonely, and tight in a hurry.  I will keep them in my prayers, see what I can do.  Even just an ear or chuckle.  So far so good.

Blood sugar is up to 142.  I plan for another meal, a lighter insulin dose, medicine, then bedtime.  The numbers are ever so slightly better.  I will just have to relax into things, do my best, and pray.  Ugh, forgot to do the rosary this morning.  Tomorrow, or as soon as possible.  Good night.

Oh well.

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Blood sugar didn't drop.  It went up four points, to 195 while still fasting.  I waited another couple of hours to have breakfast and a dose.  I will test two hours after.  I just finished.  I was extra hungry, finally, so I had bacon and eggs, after a fatted tea and chia cereal.  I really needed a bigger meal.  Wanted?

The odd thing about the bacon I have is it actually needs to be cooked twice.  I bake a large portion of it, let it cool, bag, and refrigerate it.  When I am going to use it, back into the oven it goes.  Otherwise it is too rich.  I was about to stop using it until I landed on this method, which makes it edible without serious issues.

I do need sweetener, I do sometimes forget limits and use too much.  That might be part of the problem?  Probably not this time.  Besides, I have only had a single dose in the last few days.  It is very frustrating, having blood sugar be haywire without a straightforward reason.

Such a rough few days.  No pain, just tired.  Are blood sugar spikes the problem or a symptom?  Will I ever know?  I do wonder about saboteurs, honestly.  Human, ghost, other, strange things happen.  I have a few devices, I might be able to check.  It's just a matter of setting things up.
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Blood sugar dropped to 127 after feeding, dosing, and time.  I plan on another larger meal, regardless of the next read.  I will simply take insulin if need be.  With this reading I didn't take insulin.  I'm not sure, anymore, if this is correct.

But it was working for most of the time... actually all of the first month... not taking insulin when blood sugar was at or below 130.  Oh, as well, I have been taking higher doses of insulin when the reading was 180 or higher, but only recently.  I'm not sure about that either.  It almost seems to have the wrong effect, as with steering on ice.

Back to the basics.  See where things settle.  Make single changes, if it isn't working.  See if a change works.  If it isn't working back to basics for a bit, then try another change.  Or if it works, but isn't enough, try another incremental change.  Big changes can be dangerous.  Later.

Not better, yet.

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At 181 fasting blood sugar was still high.  Consuming no coffee or sweetener yesterday, cutting calories, and keeping absolutely to keto, the strictest version of it, I had some hope this first read would be better.  I set an alarm for two hours, will check, eat, and dose then.  Why would my system be working flawlessly for nearly a month, only to fail without any changes to it?  However, that is something I have faced with all my illnesses, blind setbacks without rhyme or obvious cause.

Even if ejection fraction has improved, the heart is badly misshapen.  As well, other organs are at various stages of difficulty.  It is unknown if they can improve.  Some believe so, but without solid conviction.  Perhaps any of those organs simple require low function from time to time.  I don't have a better answer, especially after cutting all potential problems.  Well, except raising consumption, which I don't believe would help.

I will be adding even more of the righter foods, if not by a large amount.  A bit more fatty meat, more of the better veggies, a bit more chia, more frequency than volume.  Last month was a little tight.  This month is just a bit better.  Then next month is a bit better still.  Still tight, with a quarter of my income still being denied for political reasons.

Oh, I am trying various things for keto.  A seaweed snack, for instance.  The best I could find still used canola and another seed oil  (not the best) but along with olive oil.  All else is good.  You don't get much, perhaps zero carbs?  It is almost along the idea of eating spider webs, if salted with seawater, then having that flavor dehydrated into it.  At ~$9 for twenty packs, and it actually having a mildly satisfying affect as to hunger... plus it can be used as a potato chip replacement with a keto sandwich, it is sat.

The other thing I am trying is wild caught sardines.  They actually don't cost much more by the dozen.  But this first group is absolutely tops.  It wasn't excessively boiled in the can.  Of course, in olive oil.  If I could find it in it's own juices I would try it.  Quality sardines, wild caught and properly handled and processed, aren't the nast mushy excessively fishy tasting mongrels I used to know.  These are pristine delights, not requiring crackers.  I will be trying several other brands.  I wouldn't mind having a decent stock of these, enough for three packs a week for a year or two... 52 times... 104~156?  Yeah, I could do that.  And rotate, reorder after 50 are used.  A full selfcontained smaller meal.  Good with olives or pickles to ofset each others excesses.

Later.

Well?

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I can't say it is better.  I can say it could definitely be worse.  Blood sugar is at 135 or up fourteen points.  The only thing consumed being chia cereal mix and plain tea, not much of either.  I went with an half recipe and have been nursing the same half gallon of tea since before the second to last blood draw.  Hmm, perhaps that might work out?

I have only used insulin once.  By the numbers, on the one hand, I could have dosed twice.  However, by the original method I wouldn't dose after that initial fasting draw.  That was working.  I changed that recently, I am changing it back.  Something went wrong.  That wasn't it but it may have been harming.

No work today.  Something was wrong.  I am not sure blood sugar will do that?  All I know is I couldn't get to work.  No pain, just groggy, slogging through life, weary.  I have some reason to hope the reads will improve, actually.  It did go up, but I did eat.  And it didn't go up all that much, if sometimes it goes down a bit.  Will find out soon enough.  Good night.
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Just had to check... down to 123... whatever that means.

Better, yet very odd.

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As mentioned, technique seemed more important.  So a meal, then a dose, a slightly stronger dose.  After two hours, another fatted tea and test.  Blood sugar dropped to 201.  I... it was a good drop.  I didn't want to dose again.  I am wondering about overdosing, but that having strange affects.  I think my suspicion was correct.

Another two hours on, another test.  At 121 I won't complain.  Sure, I would like it lower, but given the recent runs, I will take this.  With cream back in good supply, I am thinking chia and flax cereal, with a small group of various nuts.  Then I will check one more time and attempt an early bedtime.

Very strange.  I will keep to the plan.  Going off schedule can kill.  Later.

Crazy.

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With blood sugar high, I did nothing.  I didn't eat and drank only plain tea.  Two hours later, blood sugar read 257 in a continued fasting state.  *sigh*  It doesn't make a lick of sense.  I have one improbable possibility, that I can see.  Perhaps the straw I use has built up with sucradrops (liquid sucralose, about the only sweetener that has little blood sugar issues, mostly)?

Breakfast, bacon and eggs, was eaten, then a larger dose of insulin was taken.  I will also have a fatted tea, sans sweetener.  Then test two hours after.  I just don't think near fasting should do this.  Near fasting you ask?  Cutting calories to around the 1,500~1,700 mark, where a 20% reduction in calories, for weight loss, would be about 2,400 calories.  If I did the maths right, that would mean a 50~57% calorie drop.

If caloric reduction is enough, muscle can be cannibalized, which might produce insulin spikes, if I doubt they would reach anywhere near this level even with extended starvation.  No insulin at bedtime.  I just don't know.  I will use a new straw and new glasses/cups, see if that helps.  Barring that?  It may just be that flukes happen.  Later.

A late start.

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I suspect with windows open and the fan going, it was cooler than it has been in some time.  Fine.  It will work out.  Brushing teeth, then medicine right off.  A shower soon, after waking a bit.  Trash, perhaps in time for pickup?  There isn't much, but as summer hits it's better to have it gone.

Then?  To finish the bathroom, bag bins, and hit the bedroom.  It is back to work, a new week, and I am hoping to get the bedroom, bathroom, and box removal completed.  Maybe most of the kitchen.  It seems every other to every third week I am able to do solid work.  This is the second week, so maybe.

I dreamed of speaking with a little sister.  She was well spoken and wise.  Too wise.  After a time I understood with whom I was speaking.  Mary.  Mother of God.  It had been and remained a very good conversation.  She wasn't telling me what to do, merely adding her wisdom to my thought processes as a charitable councillor.  She seemed pleased with my thoughts though too.  Quite a comfort once realization set in.

Yes, she knew I was a giant... called me specific names for specific sorts, if I have forgotten the terms.  She spoke the old tongue when saying them, said the words in a way I haven't heard in a very long time, part of why memory fails.  Which meant she knows I am a breed, even among giants.  Hmm, I have made purchase of several rosary pamphlets, all seem good.  I have found both blessed rosaries, which should do for now.  I will start saying the rosary again.  For mother on Monday, an particularly devout exorcist on Saturdays, a few other priorities after.  Always keeping a few days open for special needs, though an extra prayer for dire situations is possible.

Hmm.  Some tea, then to make hot tea.  Blood sugar got to 113 yesterday afternoon, then went to 136 and 161 after a final meal.  Something is just off.  This morning it was 190 fasting.  I won't keep pushing.  While something has gone wrong, I think it was food, not method.  Method had been working.  Chasing a new method is too risky.  If it goes up for a bit, so be it.  I won't chase that fox into my grave.  Later.

It isn't adding up.

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Blood sugar started high.  So a dose.  Breakfast two hours later, with a dose.  Then a three hour wait and blood sugar is 143 even so.  A nap, I guess.  Which often raises blood sugar.  Rather than fussing or worrying, I will simply do as suggested, experiment a tiny bit, and be patient.

Perhaps I should have had a single chop.  While not thick they were large, and of normal thickness locally.  Cream and eggs shouldn't do too much.  I will check my various coffee sources, I had dehydrated today.  I am beginning to suspect both coffees.  A few trials will show.

It was sunny early but grew dark.  I won't say I hate it.  As long as I get sun from time to time, life is good.  I don't think it's the clouds sending me to sleep.  While I haven't worked all that much, I have been pushing to work.  As well, I have shoved my schedule back to days.  I'd best nap before it is so late it troubles my bedtime.

Breakfast.

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I am getting better at frying eggs.  No, not a difficult thing.  A bit trickier if one enjoys them easy over.  This one does.  On the other hand, it is easier if one fries eggs nearly every morning.  As is becoming the way.  Washing the pan isn't needed so frequently as skill improves.  And, yes, a plain (tri-clad, albeit) stainless surface is what is used.  I no longer have sticky messes every time I fry eggs.  I have learned to keep my pan clean, even if other intentions fail.

I warmed the last two pork chops in the oven.  That is vastly superior to heating in the microwave.  Milk as well, and a fatted coffee, made breakfast a truly fine affair.  It wasn't as pretty as a restaurant, but it is better than any restaurant I have ever breakfasted.  Plus I was absolutely sure about every single ingredient.  The chops were from a local butcher with whom I am blessed to be a near neighbor, the eggs are from a closer near neighbor and friend, the milk is raw, brought by a close neighbor I consider as kin... leaving only the cook in a bit of doubt.

I didn't test blood before the meal.  I will in, say, three hours.  Go from there.  It should be better.  I would love a nap, but it seems a bit early.  I can't believe how good it was.  Cooked and heated properly, food... simple items, done humbly... can be incredible.  Hunger, or barring that as keto kicks in, rarer consumption and smaller amounts, add a special spice.

Good morning and day.  Oh, and get to church.  I would, but even with great pressure I have failed to be able to be out except at the beginning and end of the whole last month.  Ugh.  I'll... work on it myself.  If you make it, spot me a prayer while there.  God knows all, but He likes to hear, even if from messengers.

That just isn't right.

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As bedtime came and went, I checked blood sugar every one and an half to two hours. The last read was 113, at 22:30, which was good.  Still, it does that then cranks up in the night.  So I tried a small dose of insulin.  Nope.  At 188 fasting it is worse than yesterday.  Perhaps I am being too calorie restricting, or am not eating enough at night?  I have been fasting for the last four to even six hours as last night for the latter.  Perhaps an early evening snack or light meal a few hour before bedtime?

At this point I don't know what will work.  My job isn't actually to figure out the whys and wherefores but merely to get my blood to do what the meter prefers, then attempt to emulate that.  As boring as regularity is, that really is the trick.  From diet, to medicine if needed, food, fluids, voiding... regularity.  Boring.  That spice of life is really what kills you.

So I am finally ready for boring?  Well, mostly.  If boring for me is probably not boring for you.  There is that.  Furthermore, my boring would kill not only some other unhealthy people, but some regulars.  Even so, boring, to a degree, is how it goes.  I am doing my best.  On the good side, I think the doctors believe me and are working better with me.  Oh, well, I missed my morning dose yesterday.  But the first time in a month, two?  Boring.

Now if I could work more regularly.  I probably do ten hours housework a week.  To maintain (assuming it was all somehow caught up) I would probably need to double that.  Dishes, laundry, floors, dusting, and keeping the joint kempt takes time.  To catch up, by myself?  That would take three or four forty hour weeks, sixty hour?  Twenty of that would be, in greater parts as I worked through, going to maintenance.

As is, I am trying to catch up and maintain with far too few hours.  I am getting there, in small areas.  And then maintaining partly, if by not using the area.  Every time I do a large chunk, I end up crashing for a few weeks.  I will keep at it.  Perhaps as the sun begins to shine, especially if I can keep to days...  Later.