A bit longer.

.

.

More of the electrolytes, in with just carbonated water.  Plus extra water.  Dehydrated a bit, can tell from several signs.  Drinking isn't helping much, or doesn't seem to.  Still, I need the fluid, and this is helping me get it down.  Half the water I get in is with the extra electrolytes, half is just plain.

BP is 106/81 with a pulse of 89.  Blood sugar is finally coming down a bit, or bit more.  It's been a struggle.  It is 251.  SpO2 is 96, mostly.  I'm not sure those devices are accurate at all.  Anyway... all taken care of, so I may head on back to bed.

I took care of the girls' litter after the last post, and will feed them, if I can find Sam.  She disappeared.  I banged around her usual spots, but either she is sleep  very well, or just ignoring me.  Unusual, she has been begging for food up to an half hour ago.  Well, then again, that is just enough time for her to crash.  I'll stay up, just a bit longer, waiting for her to show.

As well, will get the rabbits fed and watered.  And ducks, if they need it.  Will check.  Later.  Or good night, if I don't sign back in.  I would try to stay up, but I honestly need sleep, rest, recuperation, more than I need to be awake.  I have to rest enough that I can begin working again, and sooner than later.  Still, I'll... push it a bit for Sam and else.

Up, and at it, lightly.

.

.

I can't be certain when I went to bed.  Ah... I took blood sugar right before, so... it suggest it was 16:00 on the dot.  And I went to bed pretty much right thereafter.  Just spending probably less than a minute to log it.  I was so very tired.  I slept until 02:00, pretty much exactly.  Sam was hungry, and let me know.  Plus, I wanted to get up and do a few things.

Just treats, so far.  But, before long, I will get them a regular food meal.  As well, I will hit their litter.  I would like to take a shower, but may wait until morning.  I am fixing another meal of chia, as before.  Though, sometime, I would like to add fresh ground flax.  I am already adding just a hint of turmeric.  It's not my favorite, dries the mouth out terribly.  This time I used much hotter water, hoping it is warmer.  Like a hot semi-soup.

Oh, I have been thirsty, but even carbonated water has been... uninteresting.  Nothing I could drink would touch the thirst.  So, I remembered the electrolyte powder, Dr. Berg's, I think.  It really is one of the best, and truly keto, without hidden ingredients in it.  A bit pricey, but, for some things, to be done right, it honestly does cost money.  If you don't need it?  Don't buy it.  My package is a bit old.  Still, it works.  I add that to perrier, and, actually, it was wonderful.  Plus it managed the thirst a bit.  I am down to drinking just two to three liters a day, sum total, for good or ill.  I... think... this is the right way.  My feet and ankles have been normal for weeks, or a month now.

Bits of everything wrong, taken care of one at a time.  Started, really, with feet and water bloat.  Then to blood pressure, and now splitting between bp and blood sugar, though water still has to be watched.  Too much, too little, it can all get you.  Well, and back to food.  

I would really like to begin fermenting kefir again.  I just... I fell behind, am afraid of what is in there.  I think it can be fed be up, but will be terribly bitter the first few jugs.  Then to get it back to, say, three to four ongoing but fresher jugs.  Some lot of it will have to be fed up, mostly dumped, and refreshed, several times, before it may be edible.  Worth the effort, as I can almost live on that, when I keep it in tune.

What a fantastic meal.  Added a third of the Edam small wheel.  Odd how things one never thought they might like they end up loving?  I really think everything is an acquired tasted, so choose your acquisitions well.  Though, truth to tell, it takes baby steps to get away from the simple, such as much veggies, course meat products which is what we had to get through our early life, to even something like cabbage, though cheeses too.  It's odd, but to find the simple divine, of right food and drink, is a humble crawl toward some attempt at maturity.  I do... get it... when Jews consider God to be more perfectly mature than perfectly divine... or some such.  If... too... I am positive they are minimalisticly incorrect.  They are confusing, I think, their hopes for themselves with the reality of God.  Missing the mark by the infinite.

Anyway... Now what to do?  Oh, I need to take insulin, then do testing in a few hours.  Then, maybe, back to bed.  I just can't... do much, or much else.  But this is something.  As well, as I go to bed, I'll get the ladies' litter, and feed them a can, or their parts of it.  Later.

An hour and change more.

.

.

The chia seed pudding was... delicious.  Not as warm as I hoped, being one of "those" days.  Cool, rainy, chilly, dark, dreary.  Even if it was warm, the environment robbed the sense of the feel.  Or tried.  Tasty.  And somewhat warming.  I'll use warmer water next time.  Three teaspoons, with water, made about 2/3rds of a pint, the last was filled with cream to make a pint.  Really quite good, and cheap, to be honest.

As well, I had a third of a smaller round of edam cheese.  Oh, it's been a while.  That was treat too.  Insulin was taken.  Though, it doesn't seem to be working.  Very strange.  Still, care in usage, and eating, will do me better than a rush to heal.  As a last bit, a part of a bottle of water.

I am drinking much less, and cautiously.  As with food, insulin, and medicine, I simply must be alert and cautious.  I had to change the batteries on the glucometer.  Some batteries haven't been the right size, in spite of honestly supposed to be being the right size.  I was a bit fearful.  But they worked.  Surprised they were needed so quickly.  I received this glucometer, say, this spring?  And it has two batteries.  Then again, it takes a very small amount of blood.  I'd rather pay in batteries than blood.  Still, it's back to work.

I have about another hour before I do testing.  I could take bp now, but like to take it all together.  After that, I am crawling back into bed for a while.  Hoping for no more dreams, but that... is it's own thing.  I'll brush my teeth and crash.  Had hoped to do a few things, just haven't had the energy.

On the good side, it isn't a terrible day.  I am merely too sleepy to continue on.  Though, perhaps, when I wake... either from a nap or a longer sleep, I might get to things.  Today, tomorrow, soon.  I... have intentions.  Well, and I will at least check litter and feed the girls.  And even leave the door open, should they want to come up and see me.  Or... sleep on me.  Silly cat types.

I may not go the distance...  Hmm, yeah.  I'll just take the reading now, and crash if their are no warnings.  BP is 114/78 with a pulse of 87, SpO2 is 93, and blood sugar is 363.  I really thought that would have come down a bit.  It rose around twenty.  Though, the last few days, it has been rising by a hundred.  :p

Now, on to bed for a nap or more.  Good afternoon, day, and maybe night.

Oh... someone keeps trying to suggest I have crohn's disease?  Recently they suggested a vegetarian diet, to cure it.  I had to laugh.  Vegetarians are one-hammer people, and insidious in their attempts to get other people to eat their constipation diet.  No, and no thank you.  If I had crohn's, I wouldn't weigh two eighty, especially eating as lightly as I do on top of it.  And, even if I did, I wouldn't go vegetarian for it.  I doubt any science behind vegetarians, or worse veganism, for almost any but a few causes.  And never have that advice come from the mouth of a vegetarian/vegan.  Gotta come from a third party, disinterested in that lifestyle.

I don't know if their intentions are good, or evil.  I get veganism and vegetarianism tossed at me often.  It would be cute if it wasn't such a horrible way to live.  It's a religion, not a diet.  No.  thank.  you.

Someone was here.

.

.

While taking medicine, I thought it looked off.  According to the way my medicine set was arranged, it looked as if I hadn't taken medicine last night.  The thing is, I know I did.  I have been very careful about everything, including taking, and remembering taking, medicines.  With all that has been happening, I have been being extra careful.

I wondered, previously, if I had been taking medicines too often.  Trying to keep up on missed doses.  That would happen is someone was messing with medicine.  I am going to have to be very careful, apparently, going forward.  I always check my doors at night.  I may have forgotten the extra locks, or they have found a way to get past those.  The door was wide open this morning!  The back door.

I might have just thought I did forget, or adjusted medicine myself, until I saw the back door wide open.  I know I saw that closed right before I went to bed.  I must have scared whoever was in, out.  But in a hurry.  The evil around one is so... deep, sometimes.

I have gone back to chia, and am setting up a chia pudding for breakfast.  I wasn't in a hurry to eat.  Wasn't sure what to eat.  Chia and other such has been on my mind.  I don't have nuts around, so wasn't sure.  Then again, I will only eat those every few days.  And didn't always eat them with chia seed pudding as was.  I added a pinch of turmeric, though not terribly necessary unless adding ground flax... freshly ground is best, and a spice or coffee grounder works.  As well, munkfruit mix sweetener and cinnamon.  Adding hot water, and giving it time to turn into more of a jelly.  As well, I will add cream.  Should be tasty.  

That and a dose of fast acting insulin.  After counting, and recounting medicine, plus knowing I took last nights medicine, I reset the medset rightly and took the right portion for today.  I may begin hiding my medicineset.  As well as paying close attention to what I taken, and when.  Thing is, it isn't difficult to switch and pull meds...  Even if I do, generally, look over my medicines before they go down the hatch, a few drops of other might be uncomfortable to deadly.  That my be the point.  Some would prefer death.  When you meet that, you know who you are dealing with.

It has been raining all morning, or sprinkling as it is now.  I have been slow to eat, slow to take medicines, so I have been slow to take my next round of readings.  It'll be two hours, I am thinking, after I finish breakfast.  I could go without, go to later, but with as weak as I have been, I am going to eat more regularly.  Only when back to a better station of health will I begin considering intermittent fasting.  One thing at a time, but I am getting there.

Paranoid much?  I try not to be.  But when everything points to external problems, I have no choice.  I have died for fools and foolishness one too many times.  Still try to be right, but understand sometimes evil will lie to your face and stab you in the back.  Gotta be careful.  All I'm saying.

Oh, but about the day...

.

.

Well, up and at it.  Up at 08:30.  I can't be sure when I went to bed, but I thought it was 20:30, so twelve hours down?  Maybe.  I needed rest.  And, that dream, while sort of a single dream?  It was all night.  I would wake, consider what had happened, thing it was over, like episodes in a show.  All night, save perhaps the last three or four hours.  Two hours?  Something.

Then I had to try to get that written up.  Wasn't sure I should share it, but... why not.  I don't need believe, nor care.  And, I know, killing me won't change anything.  Kill... murder...  there is a difference, but the state and church may kill at their discretion.  It's always been the way.  Not that they won't be held accountable, right or wrong.

It's a quarter after ten.  The girls have been fed.  I am thirsty, but not.  I got my morning numbers, untouched by medicine.  BP is 120/92 with a pulse of 99.  Oxygen reader is at SpO2 92.  And blood sugar is 348 fasting.  Sounds terrible, but it's two hundred down from two days ago and a hundred down from yesterday.  There are limits to how fast it can drop.  Though, even insulin isn't having a large effect, or quickly.  Still, I must begin being very cautious.  It may well drop two to three hundred points in a single smaller or larger dose.  So, I am going to try to go the long road, and cut doses to 25 slow acting in the evening, and 20 to 30 cc's per meal, unless I hit 180.  Then... begin tapering to 8 to 16 cc's, to a degree depending on what I am eating.

I am slightly fearful of taking heart medicine as usual.  But I have cut how much I take, and when I take it, so may go ahead.  I am comfortable, if still a bit nervous, with the insulin plan.  I have to, right now, stay up on medicines, and measurements, in attempt to get through to something normalized and safe.  I may have to work through the death zone, again... or more deeply as I think I am still in it... feel like it.  I have to pay attention every step of the way to a moralization, and then on a bit, to try to get everything, altogether, regulated.  Then... try to manage my diet.  Crazy, to a degree, like juggling eggs while unicycling over a rope, fifty foot up.  Any little thing might not get me, but that fall... it... really could.  Surprised it hasn't.

Still, back to a level of balance, and an ability to cope with some small issues, and able to concentrate to the degree necessary.  My simple job, now, is to get the hell off the rope!  I need level ground, and some rest, and am aiming for it.  Just a few more days, or a week... then to just keep up!  Ffs!  Bleh.

Other than meds shortly, then some food and insulin, another shower, chores, cat litter, starting a few small loads of dishes, then into some laundry.  As well, maybe a few calls... business... payments.  If I can get that, then into boxes.  Yes indeed.  Could I, would I, should I?  The latter two are assured, the former is the only question yet to be answered.

Feeling better.  Actually feeling mostly rested.  Not much pain.  Yet to find out if energy burning is still extremely limited.  Eating dinner, last night, hurt.  My jaw hurt because those muscles were not getting something they needed, and were turning into concrete.  Ever chewed with concreted jaw muscles?  Not pleasant.  Later.

The dreams...

.

.

This was all one dream, but the others I have and will have like it...

I watched as a battalion was sent in, pretty much sacrificially.  It was a stopping play, a task to hold everything just as it was, no matter the cost.  And so it went.

When ammunition went empty, bayonets or enemy ammunition.  When that was gone, rifles as clubs, knives, and hand-to-hand.  If all you could do was bite, you did so.  Ambushes in the dark, we would hit them and rip them apparat, and die.  They had every advantage but we were insistent.  While they killed us en masse, we crawled right into their hearts and mind, imprinting a fear which caused them to kill more of their compatriots then we could have even hoped were we being well supplied.  Plucky royalty like officers, who would push their luck... wouldn't push it twice... at gates and else.  Learned to hollower out, well in advance, their name, rank, and the nature of their visit.  More than a few well feathered peacock got his ass shot off, trying to assert his bona fides, without offering them rightly first.  And many platoons were decimated trying to sneak in.  Damned if you do, damned if you don't.  For many were slaughtered for calling out to the wrong group.

A final attempt.

.

.

Called my mother, in a last bid to check on her.  She picked up.  We had a short call, not too clear, or well communicated.  I can tell she is tired, and a bit distracted by the tube.  As well, I am a wasteland.  Still, we relayed concerns and hopes, from tin ear to misunderstanding, but it... was something.  If nothing else, we could hear each other.  Sometimes that is all we get.

Still rough.  Wiped out fairly badly.  The lungs burn, any energy usage, at this point, gets to me quickly.  While eating popcorn, my jaws became so exhausted that I could barely finish.  I don't have much energy to throw about, and I don't recover well.  It may be a few days before I can do much again.  With the trash out, that is okay.  I may have to find a stool, or take a chair over, to work on the boxes.  I want them started, sooner than late.

I did get in another dose of insulin, with a half a cup of milk.  Then waited two hours.  Blood sugar is still screaming hot.  I'll use more with my final meal.  If I can stay up a few more hours, I will test again.  If I don't have much hope for that.  Still, going to make the effort... but two more hours?

I did speak about some things, for reasons.  Clarified?  I don't know.  From my side, I have done what I may.  There are things I want, and need, done.  Definitely, at the moment, I can't do much.  For this, that.  I think it is fair, but perhaps the deal isn't sweet enough, or perhaps it is asking too much.  Time will tell.

Exhausted into the dirt.  Still, given the givens, much was done, and I helped with what was possible for me to do.  The next warm spell, if it arrives, should see the fence posts in, and leveled.  Though, too, maybe the roof on the moved hutch, shorn, and reset with hinges instead... so as to easily get in there, and the creation of a divider.  As well, moving the gents out to the outbuilding, and once they are acclimated, visits from the does to their places.  Gotta try to get the girls and boys doing what they do... as rabbits are supposed to do.

I didn't get the waterers.  I am hoping to do that tomorrow.  Ah, I'm done.  Painfully so.  Goodnight.

Well... still chugging a long, if only by doing as little as possible.

.

.

Feeling a bit better.  Numbers show some of why.  BP is 124/85 with a pulse of 77.  My body still isn't used to that level, and there is almost no depth for the accelerator.  If I do even mild work, to include just standing, for a few minutes, I become winded.  And, yes, even making tea or putting on a boot... takes time.

I had a bowl of popcorn several hours ago.  Forgot to dose.  Blood sugar is extremely high again.  As bp meds work, something, at least initially, goes bad with blood sugar.  It seems that is not a linear regression.  Thankfully not exponential, but it does increase by a lot in any case.  I'll keep working it.  Popcorn, for me, if occasional, doesn't usually cause much of a spike.  Typical is 20 points.  The butter helps, I think.  And limiting consumption, to a degree.

Still pretty exhausted from the bit of the things done.  But improving.  I am staying up, a while longer into the day, for several reasons.  Trying to call my mother.  Maybe she only wants to talk when it is convenient... when she isn't doing anything else.  I called this morning, to no use.  As well, I am expecting a visitor.  Should have asked how later in the afternoon he would be by.  But, I want to try to push back into days, so... don't mind.  If I can stay awake.  Plus, we... need to talk.  Changes or alterations, good or ill, coming down to choices... some immediately, some longer term.

I may have a small bite, and dose with that.  Not sure what sounds good, or what I can do.  I should be able to sort something out.  Not hungry, just want something with the insulin.  Then again, at it's level, perhaps without food would be good.  A bit of tea would be nice though too.  Oh, strangely, I am nearly unable to drink.  Normally, with blood sugar this high, I would have cravings for drinks beyond your ken.  I am guessing my blood sugar is a problem dealing with bp... because of that.  I've had this before, as bp comes down, when restarting medicine.

Oh, and I did change when I take the second to newest pill.  I switched that one to the morning dose.  Maybe, just maybe, switching some of the up will help.  I can only change two types, as one of them is taken morning and night.  I just think the older new pill will be less troublesome, so taking it earlier in the day might help.  As well, not taking all of the actual heart meds, together, may help.  I'll keep scrambling to get it done, but as safely as I can.

Brutal.  Terrible.  In lots of pain.  Still, I suppose, in the death zone.  Should, probably, be dead.  All good.  Later.

Absolutely blasted...

.

.

But, with some help, I got everything planned, and more done.

I couldn't do most of it.  I could help, with some of it.  In the end, I am sitting here, trying to breath.  I'll trade that for what was done, even if it kills me.

The hutch was moved, and the crossbars for the clothes line were pulled.  As well, the rabbit poop was removed, from the old places the cages had been.  I kept gagging for air, but tried to keep up.  Then I started in on trash and recycling.  Can't promise it was out on time, either of them, did my best.  I couldn't get the last bag out, or the barrel... but I did get the recycling out, and the barrel, and the last of the load.  Finally, not surrounded by water bottles.  It's a start.

Now I have been given marching orders.  Boxes, broken down, soon... within this week.  As well, stuff to go to the dump.  After first I wasn't sure, then I remembered that I have a ton of boxes, ready to go, upstairs.  When I get the boxes broken down, I can bring as many of those down and have them ready to go as possible.  Actually, I will probably get those behind and under the broken down boxes, so that we can use those for fill.  The trick is, I have a bunch of boxes of water in the way.  Those are heavy, and I am choking for air, even when just... well... I can go to the bathroom, now, sort of okay.  Though after all that, it'll take a while to recharge.

BP is very low, again, even with the lowered dose, at 98/74 with a pule of 94.  Blood sugar is just not coming down, even with a pretty large dose of insulin, and eating keto, at 319.  Blood oxygen is okay, at 98%, If I breath more carefully when testing...  If I am trying to breath more strongly even when not testing.  In the nose, out the mouth, strong, regular, healthy.

But, shoot, that totally wore me down to near death.  I think it drags bp down.  Perhaps, between getting used to medicine, and pushing through a few times, it will improve.  If not I will make adjustments.  The problems, in the past, is I would lose conscious awareness.  For whatever reason, this time, if after some time, I am surfacing to conscious awareness, and able to act on it.  If it is fairly dangerous, there might be a way through.  Later.

A bit of a start.

.

.

Recycling out.  There is another bag of it to go out, but if I miss getting that out I have the majority going out.  Chores done as well.  Plus, I brought an extra pale of water in, so as to catch up on waterers... hopefully yet sometime today.  If not, tonight.  

One of the bucks died.  It wasn't starvation.  I kept hoping to get them separated, but I couldn't do it and help wasn't available.  Still, because of that, I should be able to get the bucks out there.  And get those girls in.  Then begin breeding.  I have lost both bucks I really wanted, furwise.  Oh well.

I am hoping to get trash out, and that last bag of recycling.  But the bit of work is absolute pounding me into the dirt.  Tired, weak, some lung issues, wearing out very quickly.  I'll do what I can.  At least I have gotten some things done.  Amazing, almost.  It's been a while.  Even if it still hurts like heck.

Later.

Forgot medicine.

.

.

Not too late, mind you.  With days and nights messed around, it is a bit confusing.  Especially in my current states.  Still, medicine was finally taken.  While I did what I normally do, I see another possible problem.  I am taking all the possible difficult medicines at once.  Beside cutting the one pill in half, which I did tonight, I may begin taking that one in the morning, since it has done well.  As well, I may go back to taking night pills in the morning, so I don't go to bed with waterpills.  Though, lately, now that I am more properly hydrated.  Still, I prefer to take the waterpill when I am going to be awake for a while, not as I am going to sleep.  The last few nights, in any case, I have only been voiding about four to six ounces.  I am hoping, if I begin to take the water pill in "morning", my morning, that I won't have to pee at night at all.

I was able to stand, to brush and gargle.  Actually, I did it fairly well.  I am hoping to hit chores, shortly.  Then redo waterers.  If possible, not long after that, I hope to get trash out, or most of what... what of it possible.  Perhaps recycling too, if it's that time of the month.

I am still a bit sore.  Achy.  Though I never did take the painkiller either.  I'll get that.  I kept forgetting to get water.  Which is also why medicine wasn't taken.  A shower is a wonderful thing.  Oh, and I finally went looking for, and found, my phone.  It was completely dead.  Charging, now.  Four calls and a text.  Too early to return those, but... nearing the time.

I am in better shape to do a few things, maybe.  Might be able to do one group, or both.  Not sure.  And, if so, and up a bit later, perhaps another shower and getting dishes and laundry going.  No promises.  But those are the goals, in that order.  If I can't do it before, I am hoping to get it started when the alarm goes off in just under two hours from now.

Later.

Ah, very good.

.

.

I got a meal going.  Nothing fancy.  A swiss and ham sandwich, with and extra slice of cheese.  Didn't want to waste a sandwich, in case chewing my meal was too difficult.  Literally hurt to eat last night.  Muscles burned, were weak, rough.  Then a couple of ounces of keto fruit, as keto as it gets.  Then more cracklin's, with hot sauce drizzled over.

You probably wouldn't eat this for flavor.  But... I'm not eating for flavor, mostly.  Actually, for most meals, I am aiming for slightly tasty, mostly bland.  At least until I learn my cues regarding being physically full.  Well, and a meal or two a week, if I can do a bit better, I would like to make something exceptional... when I can cook again.  Though, even if I get to knowing satiation, I will try to dress down most meals.  A trick, but a good one.

My one failure, currently, with food, is that I make a set amount and eat it all.  While that sounds right, finishing the plate as mother wished, it really isn't.  At least while learning satiation.  The trick, in this case, is to have more than you should eat, and learn when to cut it off.  The subtleties and vagaries of regaining control of food are tricky.  Then again, I am pretty sure, from previous meals, that what I ate is typically where I would stop.  An extra sandwich always seems too much.  And, while a few bites from an extra sandwich might be wanted, they aren't needed.  If that just happened to be the way it turned out... because of a fear of an exhausted jaw while eating.

Tea, as well, was quite good.  Plus, no sweeteners or else.  I am continuing to sip on that.  My great thirst has been slain, I think.  I'll still drink three to four quarts.  But in the mid 60s, at altitude, more fluid is good.  I am trying to learn when I am thirsty, along with learning about my hunger.  Both frequency and volume are being sorted.  As well, I am trying to go more to sipping than chugging.

A shower, finally.

.

.

Brutal though.  I had to lean into the wall.  I had to use my bones, and muscle, to balance my weight.  I thought I was better.  And I am.  But I must have been in even much worse shape than I thought.  I am panting from the effort.  A longer shower, but that shouldn't even require energy, it doesn't when I am in normal conditions.  I may have to get one of those shower stools.  That was dangerous.

I did end up taking a very long shower.  Scrubbing, massaging, warming, and soaking, for a good long time.  Longer than typical showers by at least twice.  Oh, but so very clean, top to bottom.  My legs are so very normal!  When beginning to correct, getting fluid out was the first step.  My legs were so bloated, and had been for so long.  They have been regular for a week or two, at least, now.  The skin is still a bit wonky, in texture, from having been so blown out for so long.  But each time I wash, or check, they are better, normalizing... going from leather back to human-like skin.

I had hoped to get something to eat right after showering.  That wasn't possible.  I was just able to stumble to my chair, take a seat, an begin writing.  If even writing is pushing it.  When I can catch my breath I will put some food together, and insulin.  Hmm, may get a tea going though.  Darjeeling.  I had thought it considered both green and black, but I keep hearing that it really isn't green tea.  I have, or will, order some actual green tea.  Still, it does, for now.  I used to drink gunpowder tea, but some of it just has a bad reaction, and isn't favored.  I'll probably have to try some number of teas to find out.  Hmm, there is a local tea house, could stop in and taste test several, until I find one they have on hand that I like.

Ah... as to low bp, and medicine?  I may have overdosed, in confusion.  Even so, I am going to cut the meds, just in case.  If, in another week, it goes a bit too high, I may dose a bit higher.  If, as mentioned, only by portions.  That low of a bp really wiped me out.  I won't risk that low again.  Oh, and I will call my doctor, to let him know.  I'll be seeing him this month, but... when something good or bad happens, I will, when able, try to keep him in the loop.

Quite a trek back to even better numbers, but definitely to good health.  I am not there yet, but I am no longer on death's door.  Mostly.  Probably.  I may have done damage, severe, irreparable, if I think not.  But I am very far down, and needing drastic recovery, at the least.  When I hear about saints who have gone through terrible health, I honestly wonder how many of them were being harmed by those around them.  Many in the church hate the truth, God, saintly things.  That has always been a truth, at points, especially around those who see.  Whether from jealousy, or simple hatred of the holy and divine.  Many who go to church would kill Christ to keep what they have.  What more would they do to the simple seeing, faithful?  Whether from disbelief, anger at the truth, or jealousy one way or another.  Some would do anything for sight, visions, such.  The funny thing is, I'd give it to them, if I could be rid of it... for those types.  I don't want to see.

On to some tea.  And to see if I can stand long enough to make a quick sandwich and perhaps hot sauced cracklins.  Later. 

The best waking in months.

.

.

Not the easiest.  Getting out of bed was an absolute struggle.  And it isn't painless, just a much smoother grouping of hurts.  No pounding, no ripping, no tearing, just a gentle background hum in just a few areas.  I stopped taking the painkillers, fearing they might become a problem on their own, days... a week? ago.  I had cut down before then.  If it was going to hurt that bad, painkillers weren't really helping anyway.  However, given improvements, and hope of getting to things today, I will take one.  I will then put one in with the medicine, for every third day.  Hopefully to be put back in the medicineset, not being used.  After some time, I may go back to use as needed, which is rare.  I forget, often, even when in grave pain, to use it.  I know, but...

Daily readings, without medicine or food, and fasting...  Sp02 is 90, bp is 104/82 pulse is 99 and blood sugar is 396.  BP is great, if pulse sort of sucks.  And blood sugar is... okay... given the givens.  After the last blood read, I really wanted to eat, and dose, but couldn't.  I was going down in flames too fast.  Still, from out of reading range to 396 in a day is... good.  It is responding.

It must have been right at 22:00 when I woke.  I did a few things, first, including feeding the girls.  It's a rough day, still, but I think I can improve things, quickly, with insulin, food, medicine, and giving that a bit of time.  I am definitely going to cut the medicine I had pushed to 10 mg, actually 20 if that turned out to be a mistake, down to five.  If that doesn't help without pushing bp too low, then I will put it back to 10 and drop the new medicine.  It is a bit small to quarter it.  Though it depends on how the numbers go.  If it is just a bit too low, I may have to try quartering it.

I don't think I am going to die, now.  Probably.  I am still in rough shape, but not only better, I am out of my own personal death zone.  But you always carry a bit of that with you.  Every time you are in the zone, little bits of you are lost, if  too... bits of something... parts of yourself from that zone?  Something comes back with you.  It isn't fairy tales.  I am sure some will say, like with near-death (as they call it) experiences, these perceptions are not real, or true.  Say what you will, some of undeath came back with me.  Not sure if it makes me less, or more, prone to death for it.  If I think it... adds a bit of life protection.  That would be my guess.  Then again, when it is time, nothing will stop it.  If I am not sure, for some, that the time of death is quite so... fixed.  Some can choose to live, right through what would kill others.  Choose?  Maybe, or partly.  Or there is a more of a choice aspect.  I have given this choice to God.  I live or die at His will.

I really want a shower, before anything else.  Then food, insulin, and medicine.  Oh, and brushing teeth, and my heavy treatment, for a while.  I haven't been able to clean and tend my flesh for... a very long time.  All of those writings, of wanting to shower?  Unfulfilled.  Unable.  Today, and, hopefully, tomorrow.  Scrubbed to the next layer of skin, heated and soaked through a anything dead or too dry to save.

Good morning, day, and into the night.  Oh... a gift, first.  Should be simple enough for even your sensibilities?  Still, if it isn't, do not watch.  No one is making you.

Right.

.

.

BP and pulse are the same, mostly.  Each up by one, to 87/67 with a pulse of 92.  Okay, pulse was down one.  Brutal, the feeling, for the moment.  Blood sugar dropped very well, after about three hours.  It is at 214, with is a 315 point drop.  It is as good as I can get things.  I ate salt, and had half a liter of carbonated water.  They said salt might help, with the bp.  It hasn't.

I think it is time to crash.  I still hurt, terribly.  I am weak in the muscles and bones.  Terribly faulting, hurting, and troubled.  Maybe some sleep will help. I have water up there as well, and may well need it.  I will cut one of the medicines when next I am up, assuming I get to wake up.  Ugh.  Goodnight.

So very strange.

.

.

I took... a lot of insulin.  I was afraid.  And, yet, so be it.

I waited two hours, thirty minutes.  And that, actually, after I had eating.  I tested, again.  Blood sugar dropped a bit, or a lot... to a readable number... of 529, bp is now 86/66 with pulse at 93.  SpO2 is 98, if I have been breathing through my nose to keep up.

It's the bp.  I haven't seen a bp that low since the last two times I was in shock... once from ripping my hand open with the slide on a pistol too small for my hand, and once from nearly dicing the inside flap of my index finger while trying to open a padlock package.

It hurts to do anything.  I am worried about blacking out.  I will have to speak with my doctor sooner than anticipated.  I am in a bit of trouble.  I may cut one of the medicines in half... the second to newest, down to five from 10 mg per day.  No promise, but it is something.  The newest medicine is too small for me to adjust, and would be difficult going forward.

Good, at least I know what the problem is.  That will kill me if I am not careful.  I am surprised it hasn't.  On the good side, it sure looks like we might be able to sort this high blood pressure out, and on less than I am currently on, of this or that.  I can actually lower one of three different medicines.  The newest is the one I fear the most, though the two before it hadn't been keeping bp low enough on their own.  So... we will see.

I was so tired, that after the read, and getting another (solidly keto) meal together, as I tore into it I couldn't finish it.  Had nothing to do with hunger.  My jaws were become too exhausted to finish.  I was just eating cheese and deli meat sandwiches, pork skins with hot sauce, and a few four ounce containers of fruit.  I doubt if I can eat the last sandwich even now.  Even the fruit was difficult to finish.  Crazy.

Further, my arms, legs, and midsection are absolutely burning, and hurting.  I am hoping to staying up another three hours, then do a blood sugar read, and maybe do a bit before going to bed.  Assuming I don't fall out of my chair, or crawl my way to bed.  No sureties.  I can't believe I am so absolutely exhausted, wrung out, sore, and just dying here.  Can barely keep my eyes open.

Later, or good night.

That might be it.

.

.

Or, the last of the problems.  With medicine down, bp is 118/87 at a pulse of 81.  Good enough.  Not sure if it is exactly where the doc wants it, but it is far better than 150/110, and far better than 225/180.  Choices, choices.  That is 17 days on meds, including two new ones.  It may be too much, or something else could be wrong.

Ah, blood sugar.  I haven't tested that in a very long time.  And I have been eating terribly for a few weeks.  The last two days, mostly, I have been keto.  Cold turkey, minus a huge wrong turn, then back.  My tester was being non-specific, if quite genial?  "Hi".  Hi... back?  Oh, right.  No, that means it was above good numbers, by a lot.  My last few machines were 'genial' when my blood sugar was above 600 to 650.  I think my last one read to 650 at least.  Not a good number.

Anyway, so, yeah.  Though, to be honest, blood sugar, even that high, usually isn't a problem, it doesn't have symptoms.  However, this time I am pretty sure it does have symptoms.  So, insulin.  Of both types.  I need to be careful.  When I stop eating carbs, in a hurry, sometimes my blood sugar remains extremely high.  But with one to four more potent doses, I can crash so hard and fast, a coma or death is possible.

So... while I have hit it hard and heavy, I will be checking.  I will continue to dose in the stratosphere, in hopes of bringing it down quickly.  But I will test frequently, even if nothing seems to be happening.  I have set the alarm for two and an half hours, and will check then.  If it's still high, and it probably will be, I will dose it between medium and high (probably).  When it starts being in the 180 range, or crashing, then I'll slow this and that, and perhaps eat carbs if absolutely necessary.  

So, yeah, it could be diabetes.  If so, between regular medicine, bp, pulse, and blood sugars, then being careful with what I eat and drink, I may be able to improve quickly.  I really hope so.  I am so tired of being so very tired, and hurting everywhere.  I... just... lost track.  I do what I honestly can, I just can't always do it all.  On the good side, if I can get things back on track, I can get in for a blood test a bit before my upcoming doctor visit.  Too bad I can visit for a blood test, but not go in to see the doctor.  It's no longer just the mask, it's also the jab.  I get the feeling they would try a hard sale, and maybe threats of various sorts, if I go it.  I wonder if he has a hundred grand riding on the number of people he can "vax".  I doubt if he would care, even if he knows it's bad.  He can get a fake one, and this might help him get some properties sold off for his kids or grandkids... or a Switzerland skiing trip, or pay off the nurse he bungled... and the kid.  He... is a businessman, before a medical practitioner, probably.  They all seem to be these days.  Sell their mothers for a few dollars more.

Anyway...  It wouldn't be a bad deal, to at least get blood tested.  Later.

Slow going.

.

.

Still, food is being heated.  Assuming any of it is any good.  Will know shortly.  Though there are other options if that fails.  I will eat, hopefully enough to get the machine working.  I also have three or four chores plotted out.  I think I can get to two of them, soon.  Will see.

Still a bit rough, but no more than when I woke,  Actually, a step or two better in a few if not all areas.  And the other areas haven't worsened, so it's a better go of things, for now.  BP was 123/96, with a pulse of 82.  Not bad, if not perfect.  Definitely going in the right direction.  Still a bit winded, but not prohibitively.  If I move slowly, and not for long, I can... do a bit.  So far, just going to the bathroom without winding myself, then getting food to warming.  But doing two things at once is... a... better go than possible, without winding myself pretty awfully in the last week?  Mostly.

Hmm, tea was so good yesterday.  It's warmth, without too much... of whatever.  Fatted coffee seemed too much, lately.  This is a nice, clear, tasty, warming drink.  No sweeteners, no dairy.  Sometimes, recently, both of those have been too heavy.  Oh, I ought to pull some chicken bone broth out.  Of course, that means clearing the freezer top.  I'll... see if I can get to that.

Oh, and while I am at it, I am trying to get some things in stock.  Keto things.  I... haven't really looked up pure keto storage items.  In part for fear of costs, in part because I doubted how much is really available, and... because... I pout... sometimes, about some things, for good, bad, and/or no reasons!  Cheers.

Still, I finally asked the question and found a solution.  I was... actually impressed with what I actually do have on hand!  I have a third, to half, of those items on hand.  Some for more extended use, some for more short term use.  So... I went shopping.  I don't think I can afford it all.  But I can get some of it this month, and next month, and the month after, and become fairly well set.  I am hoping, by the New Year, to be set enough for, say, six months, perhaps just on this, if need be?  Two months, for sure, maybe a year.  Excellent advice.

Better, again.

.

.

Not perfect.  Not even close.  Better, just better.  As I was the other day.

I do wonder if I had filled with too much water.  I slowed drinking, a bit.  I didn't increase the water pill, but seem to be draining well.  Still tired, not quite exhausted, not burning in my cells.  I will try to eat, and drink more tea than fatted coffees, while drinking moderate water amounts.  

Kidneys are tender, but I've had much worse, most of the time, recently.  A bit achy, still.  But not nearly as bad as most of recent times.  I am still tired, on a cellular level, but not burning.  Lungs aren't burning.  Everything is a bit crickety, but just on this side of not terrible.  Not the best, not quite bad, just... rough.

I am hoping to get a few very small things done.  Not sure I dare even hope for a few moderate things.  I haven't even been able to play games.  No concentration.  Still, just a few things, and I will be very happy.  That, and food.  I need to keep up on food.  Nothing fancy.  Though more than I have been eating, if possible.  I am not even sure I care if it is bad food.  The good food, mostly, seemed bad.  I am becoming worries about what they are selling at the stores.  The quality of meats has deteriorated beyond safety.  If meats can't be frozen for up to a month, they probably aren't good to start with.  Is it automation, with zero oversight?  Is it a lack of workers, in any case?  Or is it an attack on the American people, through bureaucracy?  Of the three packs I thawed, from recent purchases, two for sure are bad.  I've never had this much trouble getting fresh, to within safety, meats.

Still, I have stuff, around.  Sardines have proven out.  Though volume is limited on those, and frequency.  Once or twice a week.  I have other canned meats, which are good, if not all that tolerable.  I haven't figured out how to eat very much of those.  Vienna dogs, or such, canned mixed meats... just aren't good on about anything but bread.  I keep looking for recipes.  Not really finding any.  Plus, those little plugs are rather expensive.  They used to be half, or less.  I guess people are realizing fresh meat is often rotten, or too close to it to be edible?  I haven't seen much difference between stores.  The world is going a bit bad, and is being allowed to do so.

I'll do what I can.  Later.

So very difficult.

.

.

My body simply hurts.  Twisting, turning, drinking, eating, fasting.  I'm trying many things, nothing seems to work.  Medicine is ongoing.  Everything I can think to do is being done... within my powers.  Imagine being a candle, and having the oxygen slowly being eaten.  Eventually the flame will die.  I just don't know when, or how.  Not sure what is wrong.

As mentioned, the cells of my body seem to be burning, as if seeking oxygen.  If you have ever played sports, you know that feeling.  Only, I am not exercising.  I can barely stand much of the time.  Oddly, with fasting and mostly keto, my vision has improved.  As has thinking.  I did try a few candy bars, to see if... even if not good in the long run, if they might helps something else.  Nope.  No difference, in any way, that I can tell.

Generally, though, I have been eating keto.  My main problem is I can't eat enough.  If too, it feels like too much.  Even with the candy bars, I haven't eaten a thousand calories today.  Possibly not a thousand between yesterday and today.  I have an odd sense of being too full most of the time.  Well, and little interest in food, and less ability to do much in getting food ready to eat.

Oh, and so many songs flooding back, and posts.  Yea, I think some get it.  Or, at least they can follow the old and new lines of thought.  Not sure anyone believes in anything.  Who can ever tell.  Not only have I see stretches of the recent thought lines, but too, I have seen signatures of some of the people who have, or used to, visit.  Who knows the truth of any of it... but... I, for one, think so.

Something has brought many of them back.  For a moment, or longer, who knows.  Or... just created an echo in the nether.  A lot of them.  I... may post, if, when, I wake next.  Goodnight, and day.  My days are crazy.  Sleeping for hours or something, waking when I can, or need to, or have no choice.  Awake until it's bedtime next.  I think I am having two to three days a... day.  Rough.  While I used to have much worse, with weeks and months down at a time, I... didn't remember.  This is as that, almost, only... I do remember.

The... thing.

.

.

Someone saw... something.  And linked to a song.

Just standing is difficult.

.

.

It's not just leg strength, it is air.  I can't seem to get enough.  I had thought, after yesterday, I would be doing better.  Vision is, mostly, better.  Everything else has become difficult again.  As difficult?  Maybe.  I would more say air and muscle seem slightly better by part, but worse in whole.  I am having a lot of trouble just standing.

Oxygen should be good enough, but it really isn't.  The reading says it is good.  I checked again, it is at 96.  Checked twice.  I just went down for a bit, but then is back to where it started.  I'll check every one in a while, see if it drops, and how far, from time to time.  Perhaps I really am different enough so that "good readings" just really aren't good, for me.

A shower, if I can get to it.  I did feed the girls.  Twice, now, I think.  Ugh.  I'll see about food, when I can.  I have meat which should be thawed.  Brats, a cornish game hen, and... some other stuff should be thawed.  Maybe just oven roasting.  It's the easiest way to cook, leaving me on my feet for the shortest times.  I have sauerkraut in there.  Perhaps something else?  Not hungry, but honestly know I need to eat.  Not sure keeping it down would be easy though.  I should be able to keep it very keto.

I have a few things I really want to do.  Just maybe I may be able to do some things.  I am, as well, beginning to try to gain more control of hunger and thirst.  I suppose I could drink most of my hunger away.  I probably have been.  But that may be part of why I am so week.  You really do have to take in food, enough of it, to have energy to burn.  I really may be starving.  Even when I was eating candy bars, I was only eating 500 to 800 calories a day.  Nauseous from that, actually.  Hated eating those, but it was... something to eat.  As well, the calories weren't good burning calories.  I'm not sure they really provided much... like wood which burns very quickly... you end up going through it fast, and while it seems hot, it's really, over time and volume, cold.

Well, and even since I went back to keto, I am eating far too little... in the 500 range.  So, yeah.  I need to figure out how to eat more.  Feeling better, in a lot of ways, but starving.  Drinking more water won't help, even if I don't feel like getting up and cooking.  I better figure out how to get more calories, as much fat and more protein.  Carbs truly aren't needed.  If vitamins and minerals that come with some vegetable carbs really are needed.  I can take vitamins and minerals, but eating them seems to be the best... unless, like potassium, I need a dose which isn't possible to eat, because of other medicines I take causing a massive imbalance.

Yes, food.  I will... try to sort out getting more food!  I am almost certain that is what is wrong.  My cells are trying to burn what just doesn't exist.  Something, quickly.  Cheese and ham, I think, and a fatted coffee.  But, then, figure out something for a few hours on, and set the timer to cook it...  Two... three hours.  Gotta have some food, and gotta eat up a bit.

Once I get food to a point where my body begins to work, then I can begin intermittent fasting again... just eating when I actually need food.  Not want, not thirsty, but need.  I really think eating just because it is a time is part of my problem.  I noticed that in one of the videos.  I have... wrestled with that a few times.  I think she may be right.  Whether I eat once or thrice a day should depend on felt need.  Though, sometimes, that will mean eating even when I may not feel hungry, but know I should be.

Tricky damned process.  With the business, or health issues, or whatnot, we seem to have begun ignoring our natural signals.  I am on the machine, too often, when eating.  I am trying to learn hot to listen while hot, though.  Maybe will work.  But having to cook, clean, process, buy, transport, and else... all the food... while ill on top of it, makes this a tricky widget.  Still, I am going to begin trying.

Now for a bite, and sip.  Later.

I know when I woke up.

.

.

I woke up, in any case, at 21:21.  I dreamed all night.  Well, not all night.  Just off and on all night?  The first portion, which was the majority of the night, I dreamed I was one of, say, seven different pagan gods.  Poseidon, Athena, Mars, and others... arriving as one, then after finishing, changing to another, just just among the set, no new ones.  I would be called into an arena.  Some... thing... was waiting... to do battle.  And we battled.  Not always easily, but I would best this demon?  Yes, I think so.

I, personally, think most pagan gods are devils... the children of demons.  Though... there are... other things among such.

Through two thirds of the night, I dreamed of being called to battle.  Winning.  Leaving to rest only to be called back, in one form or another.  It was tiring, but nowhere near as wearying as the main dream yesterday.  I woke up to pee, often, as well.  By the number of times I woke to do that, I would have thought the three liter would be full.  It was only half full, when I finally woke.  Very strange.

For the last part of the night, I found myself in bed, having sex with, the women who turned me on the most... out of the many.  Not always the prettiest women.  Some women are pretty, some are sexy, and very few are both.  If, in truth, they all, mostly, are good enough.  At least if they are fertile and mostly reasonable.

I have bedded women most men only dream of.  I laugh at those men.  I suppose everyone needs a dream.  But, truth is, they really are all mostly the same.  And those dream women are, quite often, women I would rather have never known.  I guess I would like to have never know how... disappointing... a lot of the prettiest, sexiest, women are.  I think they were only with me because I didn't... care?  Because I wasn't impressed, moved, obsessed.

I was with any of them for the natural draw.  But... so what.  I didn't, often, remember why I seemed not to care.  I had lost the one I... I won't even say I loved her.  Well, or not until I lost her.  I lost the one I was going to... be with.  I didn't think much better of her, but I was going to be with her.  Until the choice was gone.  After that, I just... didn't care.  Other than the natural draw, I wasn't going to offer more.  And if she got too rough around the edges, I would be gone.

Usually never got the chance to part.  Travel, my job, life situations...  I became a ghost.  Even family lost track.  Anyway, I dreamed of having sex with a few of them, maybe thirty?  Not even half.  And, I was inured to it.  Whatever.  Strange that I would still be a bit... unmoved by some terribly beautiful and sexy women.  I actually liked some of them, as people.  But as lovers... whatever.  Odd...

Very tired, at waking.  My body is back to being exhausted.  Getting a breath is difficult, my heart hurts a bit.  I did have a bite to eat.  I did get caught back up on medicine, very roughly.  I did just a bit of work.  I got plenty of sleep, if dreams are ripping up my sleep, and peeing all night.

I don't know.  I will keep at it.  As able.  Vision is going tunnel again.  Lack of air?  Some organ failures?  Oh, I got the oxygen tester... it was 96% as I was waking, pulse (I think) is running between 106 and 100 now, and BI (whatever that is) is running between 7.6 waking and 5.6 now, all seem to have slid lower since waking.  Later.

Not perfect.

.

.

Better.  Definitely better.  Pain is much less than what it has been.  Fewer areas hurt.  Currently it is just the neck, as if I had a cold or the flu... it hurts like that.  The pain is mild.  I actually think it is from excessive hydration, so I took a few extra water pills.  The strange thing is, the pain from excessive hydration is similar to that of dehydration.  The pain is different though.  With dehydration, it feels like a strip inside the throat is sticking to another part.  With excessive hydration, that same area (for me) feels bloated.  Both, often, feel dry.  So knowing, exactly, which one it is, and so how to treat it, is a bit tricky.  I am almost sure it is excessive hydration, this time, though.  I have been drinking a lot more than usual these last few days... lost track.  Was drinking instead of eating, because the foods (I thought) available, were just candy bars.  I found out, tonight, that was wrong.  Eating now, but also suffering from excesses water in there.  Hopefully a day, and food, and extra waterpills today and "tomorrow", will solve that.

I do feel better from having eaten.  I have been enjoying figuring out food for the next few days, and probable for the longer stretch.  Some meats have been put out to thaw, if not exactly the ones I have hoped to get out.  Which, actually, might be fine... mostly.  

I want the chops, and burger.  I just don't have the energy to get into the freezer.  I will need to move boxes, and clean dishes.  I just can't.  I have done a few more things.  Which is super.  I have been absolutely thrashed, unable to work, for weeks.  I have done a few random or required items, but just through luck.  Brutal.  Horrible.

Actually, the little I have done is more than I have been able to do for weeks, all at once.  Though it wasn't much.  It was something.  I did get some meats out to thaw.  I have some hope to do some cooking tomorrow.  Nothing fancy, packages into the oven, in foil.  Maybe some vegetables?  I'm not sure what is available.  Definitely meat.

I'll have a bit of tea in a short while, and a single sandwich... cheese and deli meat, six or seven slices total.  I want something more, but... this will have to do.  It may be enough to get a shower in, then go on to bed?  If that is possible.  Odd how that works.  Insomnia is what it is.

Still, a goodly bit better than I have been for weeks, months most likely.  Maybe just a short reprieve.  Though there is some hope that it might be the beginning of a better spell.  I hope so, I have some things I really want to do.  Chores, jobs, tasks, better eating, a more controlled bit of drinking the right amounts of water, and personal and business care.  Ugh.  A thousand and one things to do.  If I can just get to it, through the pain, medicine, weather, and whatever else.  Later.  Or goodnight.

Right, some more keto vids.

.

.

This is more than a science, these days.  They really are getting things... sorted.  Disagreements, still, of course.  And, yet, those are easy to check for your own shoe.  One size simply does not fit every foot.  Here are a few videos which really hit the barebone basics, but not mildly.  Some new and some familiar faces.  Enjoy.

I keep looking at lowering carbs.

.

.

The medical field suggests keeping carbs in the 30 to 60 grams, per meal, area.  Which, according to ketosis pros, is way too high.  Keto gurus suggest 30 grams as a maximum, for a whole day.  If with some give for actual size.  Not quite weight, but weight at a specific height.  Which, for me, means somewhere between 45 and 60 grams, perhaps more.

Not perfect.

.

.

Still a bit tired.  Right into the flesh, the lungs, but of mind and will as well.

Getting up and getting into the bathroom wasn't too bad.  I didn't get the shakes.  My muscles didn't begin hurting, tearing even.  Some are a bit sore.  Amazing how little it takes to wear me.  But it wasn't as bad as even yesterday.  My elbows hurt.

I can't be sure I can do much.  But I am going to try to do some work.  Just moving a few packages to where they should go, taking a shower, and perhaps breaking down some boxes.  Oh, and perhaps either getting something to eat or opening into the freezer and pulling out meats to thaw.  The things I want are in the flat freezer, so it will take some work.

Pork chops, chicken, and ground beef... that is what sounds good to me.  If I can get a shower taken, I am hoping to set up some dishes too.  Not, actually, sure anything will happen.  But that I even think of it... a good sign.  Later.

Waking for short bits.

.

.

Sleeping for long spells.  I kept hoping for a better waking.

Dreaming, for a very long time.  In a cave, picking up three things at a time, putting them each into a separate receptacle.  From doing that, I would receive some odd, often useless, item.  It seemed as if that dream went on for many hours.  I would wake, and be grateful the dream was over.  Only to have it return even before I was truly back to sleep.  I could not escape the dream!  

I know I woke several times.  All the way to being able to sit up and drink water.  I started out with two large water bottles up there, as the fan was making sleep much better, but required more water.  I ended up, with just a good sip each time I woke, drinking nearly 60 ounces, or more.  Dream speaking, I think, often.  But not always.  So tired.

Finally, the dreams changed.  I dreamed of getting into the attic so as to remove wasp nests.  Not only did that break the old dream cycle which had become a nightmare of sorts, I think I may, finally, have gotten actual rest in my sleep, after week or months of sleep being shallow and not offering real rest.  Plus, I feel alive.  Even in the dream, I felt... almost good.

I don't know if that will transfer to my wake cycle.  But I am hoping to wrangle a bit of work today.  I still am sore.  Shoulders, neck if just the muscles in them... for now.  Perhaps a bit in the midsection, but not a terrible hurt as has been mostly the case, recently.

For now, though, I will just try to more fully wake just here at the machine.  I have been praying, at bedtime, when I woke for just a sip, and when I would wake in the morning, that God help me get back to work.  I am shaking, often, from exhaustion and pain.  Work just hasn't been possible.  It may or may not be, even yet.  But I think I might be heading that way.

If I can eat, even bad food, that might help.  Doing my best.  Later.

Not really actually awake.

.

.

Thirsty.  Extremely thirsty.  Plus, thought I'd get medicines in.

Now, only taking one water pill a day, for now.  Plus having added 1000 mg of vitamin C, and shortly to add vitamin D, plus magnesium and zinc extras on top of daily multivitamins... we'll see.  If a single water pill holds as reasonable, I will keep at double potassium for another week, then pull that back to once a day again.  It seems complicated, and might be.  But I have been taking medicine carefully, for a rather long time, when I took it.  So, adjustments were agreed upon over two doctors, so that things made... some sense.  I have pushed things, but understood what I was doing, learned the risks over time.

Careful?  As a cowboy.  But not without thought.

I woke up so very thirsty.  I haven't been using the fan, lately.  That will dry me out terribly.  This time I will take a bottle of water, or two, up with me.  So thirsty.  And, with that, will put the fan up on a higher setting... the highest setting.  I love the wind while I sleep.

Back to bed, I think.  I would like to call my mom, but I am so very tired.  Later, goodnight, whatever.

I'm telling you...

.

.

So close to death.  Or it... sure feels it.  Poison?  Illness?  Air problems, getting it in, or it's bad?

Delusions?  Maybe.  If, mostly, just the sensation of death, the feeling of the nearness of it, mostly.  Though, these things do affect thought.  What I see, how I interpret what is seen?  Yes, there are... sensations, sensibilities, visions, dreams.  I do see what... may not be there... or what may be there, but not for most of you.

Not as planned.

.

.

The burger was... dated.  Badly.  Out it goes.  I am not doing well with thawing, then using, meats in time.  Days are going by, food is going bad.  I really wanted to eat something though.  As it turns out, I did have a few packs of frozen burritos and chimichangas.  Heavy on carbs, but not as bad as other options.  Plus, with cheese and sour cream on top, they were a bit better.

It certainly wasn't the best, but it could have been worse.  I keep hoping food will settle things, return energy, or... something.  It just isn't working.  My back hurts, cells burn as if taxed excessively.  Lots of problems, plus general exhaustion.  Life, living, just being awake, hurts.  Feeling like one is dying, all the time, is rough.  I'm not, it seems?  Still hungry, but also feeling full.  It's an odd thing.

I wish I could sort this out.  Taking meds, nearly perfectly.  I am still behind, on medicine.  Trying to push through to catch up.  But I just can't remember what day it is.  Always getting a bit lost.  However, mostly, possibly, within a toss of catching up.  The problem is I keep falling asleep, or simply losing track.  I do what I can.

I have been avoiding pain pills.  I would take them twice daily, if I thought it safe.  Trying to take them no more than every third medicine time... so once every day and an half, or less if possible.  And, keeping the dose down.  It does help, but it might become an issue.  If need be, I will add it to the medicine box, and only every two to two and an half days.  Even that might be excessive, but it might... give me more control and such.  Bleh.  I think I will have one now, anyway.

Later, or good night.

Strangely exceptional, delicious.

.

.

I think I even know why.  Dinner, that is.  Hot fatted coffee and cheddar beef sandwiches.  The trick was to make sure I consumed both, together, and while the coffee was still hot.  Yes, that was the trick.  The cheese was partly melted on the way down and definitely in the stomach.  The meat was warmed, as well, by the draughts of hot coffee and cream.  Plus, in general, my body was warmed through the meal by the piping hot coffee and cream mixture.

So, by the end of the meal, little was left sitting in my stomach.  And, what was, was consumed anyway, rather quickly.  I needed food, but food digested and being moved on down the line, not just sitting there.  It is what I got.  Nowhere, along the line, does it feel like I have calories just clogging up the system.  It is moving through, and being, or has been, broken down.

Not much, 160 calories, give or take twenty in either direction.  Well, more given the quarter cup of cream.  Even so, not many calories.  Further, I think cream might contain a lot of calories, but it doesn't necessarily provide those out.  Doctors and dieticians just have an inhuman, strange, hate of fat... which has little to do with dietary realities.  As children, who see inside spook houses, without truly understanding that the creation and purpose isn't based on what they are seeing.  They fear what they do not understand.

Anyway... still... some food in.  And being broken down and moved along quickly.  Needed, wanted.  Unfortunately, not as helpful as anticipated.  I had hoped it would add energy to the burning muscles and lungs, that it would lift a dying body, even just a bit.  No.  it didn't.  Still absolutely burning, lungs, muscles, else.  Hurting, bones to muscle.  

On the good side, I am not having a sensation of starvation.  And it did offer warmth.  I wondered if grapes and water might help.  But, no.  It wasn't a bad last dish and cup, but it did nothing.

Still exhausted beyond reason.  My body is threatening to pass out, fall down... right out of my chair.  I can hardly concentrate.  I may or may not be able to fight through it.  Not sure why things are so bad.  They just are.  I keep trying to focus to do some things.  And I keep failing.  Why should exhaustion hurt so badly?

There are real syndromes, health issues which will cause these problems.  Though it may just be a bad heart.  I can't rely on the VA to diagnose anything.  They want to treat what they prefer to treat, when they want to.  They aren't there for me, I am there for them and their training programs.  I would bet a lot of money they know or suspect what, or what all, is wrong.  But treatments, or even cures, aren't interesting to them.  They would rather treat  minor issues, which are problem for rich people, then fix some minor issue which doctors won't deal with regularly or for their preferred clientele.

-------------

Crap... I crashed.  Not sure for how long.  Forgot to finish this. It is 02:15 exactly, as I wake.  Last I remember it was 21:15 or so?  Yeah.  But I had done other things and... who knows when I went back to bed, right then or a few hours later.  No idea when I went down, just know I am just waking up.  Bleh.

I would have thought sleep would help.  But it really hasn't.  Especially sleep after even a small but good meal, which digested well and quickly.  I am thinking of making another meal, before long.  Not perfectly keto, at all, but... not candy bars either... beans, ground beef (if it is still good) and turkey, with shredded cheese and mexican spices.  I'll skip tortillas, if those would probably be really bad anyway.  And I am out of lettuce of any kind.  Still, with the meats and cheese, it... isn't too bad on keto.  I'll keep the beans to one or two smaller cans, so it will be mostly meat, say two pounds of meat, half a pound of beans (after draining and rinsing), and half a pound to pound of cheese.  Mostly keto.

If I can stand for long enough.  So winded, tired, exhausted again, really.  Oh well.  I am praying to God that I can get a bit more food in me.  Not sure it matters, but... one can always hope.

Up, for two hours.

.

.

I was thinking I might wake better, be able to get to something or other.

To suggest "not yet", I think, is being optimistic.  Putting even that lightly.

Up, and to the bathroom.  Probably my second or third run.  A simple task.  Yet, and again, through all three runs, a terrible task.  By the time I got back there, I was out of breath.  My lungs burned, my muscles, even muscles barely used.  The effort created hunger, but nausea would make a meal difficult.  Still, in a while, I will try.

Even if the cheese tastes like wood, and the beef cuts taste empty, I'll make a sandwich, just a single one.  Having a slice of cheese extra, plus a hot fatted coffee.  A hot coffee will help with the sandwich, it partly melts the cheese, helps digest it.  Two sandwiches?  If so, no extra slice.  But, yes, maybe that is how I will go.  I need food, better food.  Yes, this is far better than a snicker bar.

Why the burning muscles, though, I can't say.  It feels, literally, as if they were aflame.  Why the lack of breath?  That I really can't understand either.  It just happens, sometimes.  Slept well, mostly.  I may go back to bed, after getting food in.  Whether it stays down?  It... probably will.  Though it may just sit in there.  I really hope hot coffee will help.

I did consume the beer, which was purchased some time ago.  To be honest, it was... delicious.  I'd like a beer or two now.  But, as mentioned, I know I can't.  I kept consumption to a few beers at any time.  But, I know, if I keep drinking it, I will end up taking a case, or two... possibly three, at a time.  I love the stuff.  Though, too, it would probably get me back into vodka and whiskey.  Beer if fine but medium to hard spirits are finer... if you are going to go that way.  Probably just a few times a month, but, still, that's... a lot.

No, no more beer.  No vodka or whiskey either.  Or scotch.  Loved scotch, certain ones.  Oh, and absolutely not tequila.  Tequila and bar fats, you have no idea how much I miss each, but the mix was nigh on divine.  I still wonder if that wasn't the ticket to the east coast vampire clubs.  Perhaps I just didn't remember what... all went on.  Maybe I was a sort of... performer.  They did love their blood-letting.  I was more than good.  When not performing, I was quite... stable, as well.  Tequila was one of the keys.  That and everclear, if I learned to leave that, both of them actually, alone.  Actually, all of it.  Enough beer and... it... can act similarly.  If I usually couldn't drink enough to forget.  Everclear, though, just a fifth would get me there, for a while.  Tequila was brutal, though, too.  They acted in different ways, one was painful to drink, the other was just too strong, even for a giant.

Anyway...  The odd thing is, that 'medicine' made these problems go away.  It is what makes them tempting, even in this time.  If I sank a six-pack, or four, I'd... not be feeling bad.  A fifth, for now, of something a bit stronger, would ease all of these problems.  Of course, without being locked up inside somewhere, eventually I would become... a problem.  I'm bad enough sober, so I stay away.  But drunk?  And lethal on top of it.

So, yeah, I'll... just suffer.  I just wish there was something else, something that worked as well.  Have looked, tried many forms of medicine.  Just haven't found foods, or otc's, or such, which do it like that.  Anyway... so be it.  I may get some food, and back to bed for a while?  Sooner or later?  Whatever.  Later.

Awake around 19:00?

.

.

Something like that.  It is twenty after, and all I have done is... checked the front porch and lit the machine?  Right.  Still tired, but gently.  No great exhaustion as has often been the case.  I would like to get things managed, a bit.  Anything... something.  Food would be good.  A shower.  Chores.  Litter clearing and cleaning.  Possible?  Maybe.  Some of it.

Hunger.

.

.

For a specific food.  My family version of spaghetti, with meat tomato sauce.  From time to time, I have it.  With regular spaghetti.  I prefer, by size, regular spaghetti to thicker spaghetti noodles.  Angel hair thin is fine, from time to time.  But I don't generally like other noodles.  If I want, say, goulash, that takes different noodles, and... even if I use the same sauce, the flavor is totally different.  With goulash, I might want shells, or a very few other noodles.  Oddly, no matter the sauce, the noodle used can change the taste so as to be a different type of meal.  And, no, linguine simply isn't a spaghetti type meal either.  Actually, oddly, I really don't like linguine, regardless the sauce?  Strange but true.

Still, I am trying to get to keto.  I have been having a problem though.  No matter how "keto" I have tried to eat, I still get bumped from ketosis.  Smaller amounts, particular ingredients, this, that, the other thing.  It hasn't seemed to matter.  As well, I lose and gain on this diet.  Even when eating very little.  So, for about a year, I have been pouting.  When I haven't been too ill to manage a diet of any real sort, just eating... as lately... whatever possible.

Anyway, recently, I noticed videos on how to cook spaghetti squash.  I have heard it is a keto version of spaghetti.  And, that there were various ways to cook it.  Still, while I have looked at various ways of cooking it, I have never really been sure of any real way.  Nor was I sure that it was truly keto.

Ribs and mushrooms.

.

.

Into the oven, in various packets.  Mushrooms with butter, garlic, onion, and pepper.  Ribs as well, minus butter.  Hoping for something tasty.  Will see in an half hour.  May just open the mushrooms, if probably will close the ribs back up.  Give them an half hour more, give or take fifteen minutes.  Leaving the mushrooms open, and the ribs going closed.  If it all looks and temps well enough, I'll give it fifteen minutes in a closed and shut down oven.  Otherwise fifteen minutes cooking, then fifteen minutes as suggested.

Hungry.  Even if I doubt I'll eat much.  Should provide good leftovers, for days if things are as they were.  Who knows, sometimes when hunger is sated more rightly, a better hunger returns.  Hmm, yeah, and to thaw more meat.  Iowa chops, if they just call them thick cut hereabout.  I added ground coriander to these dishes, won't to the next meats.  I like it, just not every time.  but for onion, garlic, salt, and pepper?  Almost automatic, if I have it.  Sure, don't always taste it, unless I think about it, but these are as much for health as for some additional flavor.  And, rarely, I do go without.

If the food gets me going, I am hoping to do chores, then redo waterers.  Perhaps have a bit more to eat later.  Two to four ribs, a cup of mushrooms, per meal?  Less if I can't, more if needed.  And a glass of milk on the side.  Small, for me.  A wonderful mix.  Getting cold?  No.  It's, by my senses, middling to warm, by temperature.  I must just be failing a bit.

All good.  Later or good night.

Waterers.

.

.

I had to go the bathroom.  After finishing and washing up, I decided I could hit the waterers.  There were more left than I thought.  Some had been filled, perhaps half.  The rest were still empty... from the smallest to the largest.  So, I got to it.

First, all are opened, their lids put in the fill bucket(s), and the bottles emptied or that attempt made.  They sometimes have left over fluid, though not lately.  Mostly.  I think there were two out of... twenty?  Maybe.  Dumped, or the effort was made.  Then, usually, they are filled and set out and up.  As many as I have room along the tub.  I set them on the floor towel, then begin cleaning the nipples.  I just use water and hand to wipe around them, stainless tubes, then swish water through the tubes, as a last process.

Usually I just use tap water, though, one every month or two, or if It feels off, I will add a cap of bleach to the bucket, use both buckets, fill as many as they will hold, then leave them in overnight.  Then rinse them and just use the same water for a fill, as well, use that water to clean the nipples as suggested here.  The nipples were soaking overnight as well, in the bleach water.  Too much, and the rabbits don't like it.  Too little, and I would guess, they will get sick.  I do my best.

Anyway, this time was without bleach.  Bleaching could happen any time in the next month, if possible.  It is on my mind.  It's just a very little more work, and actually gives me a bit of a break.  As I try to have all the bottles empty, so get a bit of a break.  Since I won't be washing them for a day.  All I have to do is disassemble, soak, and leave it for the next day.  It halves the work between two days, so it is actually a good thing, more so if in an exhausted state, as now.  But, not this time.  I didn't think of it in time, and I need the bottles to feed and water.  If I can catch up, refill the ones I use later, and have it all ready... then run them out and remember... I may do it next time.  Ugh.

Got it all done, and set up for use.  But wore myself well and truly out.  If I can catch my breath, before crashing, I will attempt to finish chores before going to bed.  So drained from such little effort.  And, yet, I... keep... just above the waves.  So tired, achy, hungry, thirsty, and those last not just for food and water.  Air.  I'd love to have a lot of air.  Not up to super oxygenating, but would if I could.

If I can get to chores, refill any final waterers, and getting trash out, I should be in much better shape for tomorrow.  The girls are happy.  I can tell.  Oh, I may put ribs in the oven.  Yes, if they still smell good.  Probably do.  Hmm, might pull some meat out to thaw, again, tonight, as well.  So hungry, in so many ways.  And, yet, so very tired and sore and such.  Later.  Or good night.  Not quite sure what else will happen.

Litter and cat food.

.

.

Nothing else.  Just clearing then replacing litter, then putting food in their bowls.  Panting, as if getting ready to pass out.  I barely made it to my chair.  Very difficult times, lately.  Not sure how this can be sorted.  Especially with bp probably in as good of order as it can be.  Diabetes could be in better shaped.  Though, maybe not.

While I have been eating junkfood, I haven't been eating much, or often.  I merely eat when it seems I might otherwise pass out.  I will try to get something real eaten tonight.  Perhaps grill, or roast, the ribs.  If they are still good.  I wouldn't eat much, can't.  A quarter of them?  If I am lucky.

Still, I got two of the things done.  If I could eat, I might be able to feed and water the critters, perhaps even reset the waterers.  The just go to bed.  If I can get all that done, and be ready whole for tomorrow, I would be in really good shape.  Even if I all I do is reset litter, feed and water the critters, and eat some of the leftovers, that would be quite good.  Sleep after I finish those, then wake up, reset waterers, cook a bit more food, then go back to bed and just keep barely ahead.  Not much, but... that would be good.  No promises.

Everything sort of hurts, but more mildly.  Tired, more than in pain.  If I can get a few things done, I might well sleep so quickly that the pain will be lost to the sleep.  At 19:21, well... it is what it is.  Good night, most likely.

No idea when I went down.

.

.

It was after seven.  A few minutes or hours I can't be sure about.  I am just woke at a quarter or ten to 18:00.  I slept fairly solid.  Someone may have called, can't recall.  And haven't found the phone yet.  Dreams of calls are common occurances though.  Difficult to know, until I find my phone.  I mean to shut it off at night.  That doesn't always happen.

Better.  I feel better.  I think.  As I wake.  May just be numb.  The girls, the rabbits and else.  Soon as I can.  While I feel better, I am still crushingly exhausted.  Just thinking is difficult.  I want to go back to bed, and may... if I can't escape this impossible state I am currently in.  I just, I guess I got up, and am trying to wake up, because I could.  Doesn't mean I will make it.

I am drinking a lot less, and taking just one water pill a day.  Continuing to take an extra potassium.  I should have taken a lot more, though I suspect keeping up, at high levels of the water pill and lots being ejected, isn't exactly possible?  So I just took double, and will take double for the rest of the month.  Well, it was because it was how I had it set up, and when I added extra water pills, I forgot to add extra potassium, and... really... my ability to think, or even act on thinking, failed.  I kept thinking about it, but I had become too tired, confused, and such.

I still am, to be honest.  If I do something, it is more an accident.  I have lists of things I want to do.  But I have no ability to act on those things.  There is always a chance, when I am up doing something else, that the list will come up in my mind, and I will act on something.  Or, even, sitting here, I will think of something and go, do.  How long I can continue to act is another question.  Sometimes moments, then I find myself right back here, waiting to remember.  Not even sure what I do with myself, while setting here.

Hoping to get things together.  Not sure, exactly, what the problem is.  Good homemade right food would help, but I am not sure it is enough, on it's own.  If I thought so, I would work a bit harder to get food on hand.  Is it just medicine, or mainly, trucking me down?  The weather isn't helping.  Cold to cool, darker and getting darker still.

I am adding an easier to take dose of vitamin d, and adding vitamin c, onto a smaller daily ration of each.  I am keeping magnesium, zinc, and a small standard daily multivitamin, and some other extras in the mix.  Well, since starting medicine back up.  Well, plus the heavy prescription only doses of potassium.  I still haven't added electrolyte solution.  I just haven't started doing anything regularly, even eating.  So... Bit by bit, my world, like an old engine, is attempting to be lit back up.  And, it is being restarted.  Just not as quickly as hoped.

I'd like to stay awake long enough to hit the cat litter, reset their food, not worried about their water as that has been changed out the last two days in a row.  Usually I like to do it every other day, but could so did get them twice... as a gift.  Then feed and water the rabbits.  If I can do anything else, it would be super.  But if I feel the need to sleep after those things, I will.  I would really like to get all of their waterers reset, after that.  So I can do chores easily and cleanly for about four days, without having to do anything... in case I can't.  Ugh.

Later, or good night again.

Couldn't sleep.

.

.

In some awful shape.  But it has been worse.  Aches, pains, and a tiredness which will not cease.  I didn't take painpills until just now.  Sleep was calling, I just couldn't answer.  Some food in, terrible as it is.  I have been able to keep it in, if I really didn't want to keep it in.  Throwing up, at the moment, is the worse of the outcomes.  And I have been able to avoid it.

Raining, out there.  I think it is rain.  should make sleep pleasant.  I honestly wish I had been able to sleep earlier.  Still, I'll get in and rest for as long as possible just here shortly.  Why I couldn't sleep?  Sometimes I just can't.  Insomnia is a word, with a meaning, but it doesn't always provided understanding.

I have been dreaming, of living, and dying, as I have sat here.  No worries.  Both are graces, and things of God.  I merely abide God.  My gratitude is as profound and the depths of my monstrous natures.  These, it seems, He has claimed.  And they are His, to claim, and command.  As I have written, most monsters aren't monsters.  For they cannot bend a knew and give all glory to Him, His grace.  It takes a monster to do His will, with His name on our tongues, bowed to not just Him, but to His children.  You have... no idea.  But I may show you.  Depends on your place in things, I suppose.  I hope you may merely die.  Though there is something special about being His monster.  Amen.

A rough one, tough one.  I struggle with death, pain, graces.  And I wouldn't have it any other way.  Again, amen.  How much are you willing to suffer for life?  Or allow Him to throw you into the fire, to recall life, over and over again.  To remain grateful for each opportunity?  I tell you, this is my lot.  I remain open to it until revification ends.  Even through the great suffering of it.

Tired.  Sleep.  I ordered an oximeter.  I have been pushing things lately.  Can't... stop death.  If it's time, so be it.  But I can superoxigenate my blood, for short bits of time, if needed.  I can check it, and keep it higher.  Odd thing is, even when I feel bad, I am often flooded with oxygen, sometimes too high?  I am not standard equipment, even if I am dying, or struggling for breath.

I'm not sure how I can have too high of oxygen content, but still be dying of thirst for air?  Maybe my body isn't able to use the oxygen?  But, that it is in the cells... doesn't that mean it HAS been used?  I'll... look that up, at some point.  I usually have 92 to 96 oxygen.  Even when I'm like a fish on the bank.  Bleh.  Later.

Cold, dark, tired.

.

.

Inside or out, one or more of those at a time.  Bedtime, again?  Probably.

I am hoping to reset the girls' litter boxes.  They have been fed twice, plus the hard food is out in full, for them.  I think I can refresh their water as well.

It isn't much, but some of what has been plaguing my mind have been tended.  I sleep so much better when the needs and wants of the creatures are managed.

I probably won't set up waterers for tomorrow.  But I do hope to get them set up when I wake.  Early, late, difficult to know.  So very tired.  Though whether sleep is possible is a whole other thing.  Or waking.  I just can't be certain.  So very tired, as if that means much.

A baked potato.  There is another out there.  Though, probably, just something warm for later.  That is it for potatoes.  Or anything else easily, if slowly, warmed.  I haven't checked the ribs.  If they are good, I may simply grill them, adding sauerkraut at the end, layered on like hay or some such.

Yes, on to bed.  I don't think I will do the litter.  It will be the first thing on my list of things to do.  Waterers and refreshing their water next.  I have enough water to do some of each, when I wake.  So very tired.  It hurts.  I have been breathing through my nose, and doing extra with that, in the hopes of... improving some problems.  There are limits.

You can only bring in just so much extra air, oxygen, for only just so long.  Good night, or evening, or afternoon?  Good day, and later or much later.

Who dares whisper here?

.

.

You should quest forward with great... care.

To be of use, you will, as with my lord and myself, bear a cross, crosses.