Why do I feel so awful?

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Upset stomach, nausea, a bit of dizziness, just off kilter in a lot of ways.  Couldn't shower before the appointment, got to it since.  Thought that would help.  Not really, not so much.  I bandanged my wounds, the ones left to my care.  Thought that would ease some things.  No, not... so much that either.

But, dressed again, bandaged, medicine in... though did that much earlier.  Don't know what else I can do.  More coffee definitely is not the thing.  Ah... but I have been using milk, instead of cream.  They were out.  Didn't have much choice.  And, yes, I think that is hammering me.  Like an alcoholic, off the bottle for many years, thinking he can drink a few beers.  Nope, no I can't.  Ugh.  I'll see if I can get cream later today?  Soon.  Ugh.

Oh, ouch!

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My next appointment, wound care.  The... improvements... on the roadrash?  Beyond... what they expected.  The... expressions, and looks, from one to the other.  They were... impressed.  Doc cut me loose on those.  Said whatever I am doing?  Keep doing it.  The... thing is... for the most part?  I... wasn't doing anything.  Couldn't even keep the bandages on.

That's the good part.  The old wound, though?  Well, it did improve.  They suggest a five percent improvement.  Which... from the sound of things?  Is... what they were optimistically hoping for?  Odd, but... okay.  So a 100% healing of one of my roadrash wounds probably was... impressive.  And a 54% improvement on another.  One of them only had some improvement, and a fourth had probably a 20% to 30% improvement.  Given the givens, they are doing well.

Rough night.

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Well, part of it.  I woke up around two?  Every single thing that has been turned, twisted, cut, ripped, torn, or otherwise ill treated woke up and cried out, all at once.  I... wanted to cry.  I just... usually... can't.  Last night was no different.  I simply could not cry.  I could only ache, rock myself, and wait for it all to pass.

It did, after some time.  Mostly.  But I ached the rest of the night, sort of by groups.  Milder, but... some thing(s) hurt all through the rest of the night.  All good.  Healing process?  Who knows.

Better?

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For some strange reason, it all got better.  All of it.  Not perfect.  But nothing noticeable hurts, unless I think about it or twist, bump, use something.  Even then, it was so mild that I had to think about it to notice... consciously check to see if there was still pain there.

Of course, that is... probably... about to change.  I have to change the bandages.  On the roadrash bites.  Oh, and I will be taking compression off.  Which... hurts and helps.  I won't be putting compression on for the night, this night.  Every other night?  Something like that, and based on needs/wants.  If the feet are swelling, or swell by the morning, then I will... more often than not.  Hmm, I ougth to see if there are compression bandages, like what the dock had.  Those are... better... for quick, short, usuage.  Socks are much more difficult to get on and off, especially through the night.  And are, or are usually, a lot hotter to wear.  I'd... like to have some of those bandages.  Plus, you can cut them to length.  A roll of those would last... a year?  More.  Maybe.  Especially if they are washable.

Anyway... it's about bedtime.  So... goodnight.

Better and worse.

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Two showers in a row always feels good.  Stripping bandaging off twice in a row, and realizing it will be a twice daily thing?  Never going to feel good.  The wounds hurt.  Not as bad as the first time.  Still, enough.  Both the wounds, as open sores.  And the damage as sorts of bruises.

As well, the elbow, knee, and ankle all feel rough.  The shower was good, but that heat is gone.  It's a cool wetter type of day, at 42 to 44 out there, pretty much through the whole of the day I was aware to notice.  That sounds like it would be nice, but it feels... moistly cool to cold.

Terribly wonderful.

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It's... getting from point A to point B that hurts.  In my current case.  Ripping the bandages off... it hurts.  Getting to the shower can be a grumbling process.

I got on the scale.  Nothing, of course, would be different.  It has been 233 the last two times I have weighed in, since the accident.  Why would that change?  But... it did.  I am 226.4.  While not by much, a pound, that is... still the least I have weighed since... about the time I joined the Navy.  So... that was good.

Bandages ordered.

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Several sizes, to tinker with.  Various forms of padding, for under.  And plenty, with what was already ordered.  Should last for two to three months, at the current rate of wound care, if that... shouldn't continue for that long?  But... that leaves room for extra.  Plus, with the change in how I am paying for things, managing that new way.

As well, I looked over the type of socks that have helped me.  I have tried some number of knee high compression socks.  There is a brand that is the absolute best.  But it costs a fortune.  There is another sort, that is just as good, but doesn't last quite as long.  Two thirds the life at a third the price?  Okay... that is what I use as my daily drivers, when going knee high.  And, there was a brand which was similar.  But... for me... they were just a tad too small.  I... almost cried over that.  So very much cheaper, similar in quality to my daily drivers, a quarter of THEIR price.  Ugh.  Cheap will only go so far.  Sent those on.  Hope that helps.  Real world trials, from someone who spends, but tries... to save a buck when possible.

Want to find out if your brother is awake?

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Especially if he lives half the nation away?

I did.  So... I texted him.  Let him know I'd be there in half an hour or so.  So to be ready.  "What!"  April fools day!  The old boy almost lost his health.  *grins*

Worse, better, odd.

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I was so cold.  I put on four layers of bottoms, three layers on top, plus shoes and a wool beanie.  One of the tops was an electric vest.  And, it was turned on.  It took two hours, but I finally warmed up.  Too hot then.  But too hot, in the winter, or early spring, is an easy fix.  Cold... took some work.

Then I was getting a call.  My phone was two layers in, and a bear to get to.  Wasn't sure... where it was, or how to get to it.  Made it, in time.  My mother called.  I no longer call her.  She... may or may not answer.  Usually not.  If she wants to talk, she can try to call.  I... just... don't call that way.  Nothing personal.  It seems how she wants it.

Very strange.

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My left arm is twisted, hard, from the wrist the elbow.  It is aching, thrumming with pain.  Not sure what I did, when, how.  Was it a from the motorcycle accident.  It wasn't noticeable until now.  Now it hurts like the dickens.

The rest of the pains are still there, but slightly milder.  A bit of nausea, from the pains.  I almost wish I could throw up, I think that would be better.  But nothing is coming.  Just... that feeling, like seasickness.  Fairly strong.  A headache too.  And my whole left leg feels rough.  I had hoped a shower would settle that a bit.  Not the wounds, those still hurt, but differently.  This is like the twist of the arm, if not quite as bad?

OUCH.

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At least I wasn't fearing what turned out to be nothing.  Just pulling the bandages hurt.  A lot.  Then showering, and washing the wounds?  Yes, very much that hurt.  Then I got back upstairs, and was looking at the instructions.  Debriding the main, old, wound... with gauze and saline.

I... really didn't want to do that.  The little boy in me said we didn't have to, if we didn't want to.  The man agreed with me, but remembered that the wound has been open going on, or over, a year.  So... we got busy.

I finally...

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Clipped my toenails.  No, it's not much.  No, I am not ready to pull the bandages, shower, debride the wounds, and replace the bandaging.  I know.  I'm... late, more late on some than others.  But... it's a start.

I realized, while clipping the toenails, that I had been even avoiding that.  There is something about working with tools that can rip and tear... even cut a toe off if it could get around it, while having wounds.  Some... transference, fear of more wounds, from the process... tools.  I didn't realize the fear until I pulled the tools out and started to work.

Brisket.

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Slowly smoked all day.  Wow.  That was... is... good.  I haven't eaten all my portion.  No way I could.

And, while he was at it, he smoked the salt.  Has a nice color.  I'll store that, adding it to occasional special dishes.  Though, next time he smokes something long, I may see if he will put some of it back in.  Just... seeing how far it can go.  An experiment.  Not at all unhappy with what is there, just... curious at this point.

Everything is just sort of not doing well.

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Not quite a fever, but a bit of discomfort in that area.  The wounds are all letting me know they are damaged, and want... something.  A few painpills... it's been a while since I've used them.  I... keep thinking about them.  Then I forget.  Which... is fine.  they don't always help.  Okay.

I'm sweating, in a different way, as I get ready for a shower.  And... all else that goes with that.  Stripping the bandages off, washing the wounds, some more raw than others.  Rebandaging.  Drying off.  Compression socks.  It won't be fun.  And... nausea has arrived.  Not sure if it is the anticipation... if I am usually not that way.  If never completely immune.  Or just from the licks and pokes of pains and hurts and aches here and there.  Meh.  Bleh.

Finally up at noon thirty.

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Sassy was fed first thing.  Had to find a specific group of cat food types.  She has had pate for so long.  I purchased a few other options.  Yes, it... probably helps.  She does prefer pate, but I could tell that she was getting... bored... of it?  Something.  With help with boxes, I was able to find the varieties which I had bought but which had gone missing.  Thank you.

Still pretty rough.  A shower soon.  Something I dread.  Why?  Those wounds have to be cleaned.  And the bandages remaining have to come off.  Which is going to be the worst I don't know.  And... maybe they won't be all that bad.  Or... they will, and both of them.  Then I have to bandage them again.  None of that is painless.  And, when bandaged and set, they will all hurt again.  They just do.  But... it... has to be done.  Should have done some of the bandage changes much sooner.  And the main one was due yesterday.  I just... got lost on the way.

Ugh.

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Rough.  Too rough.  Back to bed for a bit.  Sassy got fed.  I'll feed her again.  Set the alarm for a few hours.  Then just crash.  Feed Sassy then.  And, if more sleep is still needed, back into the covers.  It's... so dark, cold, wet.  I just can't push through.

But that isn't always bad.  For an old, mostly dead, guy, this... really isn't bad.  I've definitely had worse.  I'm just sleepy.  But... it's a wonderful day for sleep.  I... can't knock that.

A new month, start.

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Smaller order(s), and going forward.  Including a few things for the house.  A few new pillows, it's time.  A few bandages, of various sizes, in the type they used.  I have some, but would like to find some smaller, more fitting sizes, for the various wound sites.  Things like that.  Under two hundred, a fifty spot under, before taxes or so.

Changing how things are paid.  Their card is paid, won't be used again.  Putting it all on once card, which can be watched.  After the items arrive, the card will be taken off the account.  Whether it is they, or myself, which can't be trusted?  Both, perhaps?  Then watching.  All accounts.  Whether plugged in, when plugged in, when not.

Oh?

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Something brought something to mind.  A... while ago.  Yesterday, earlier today, a week ago?  Whatever.  It sort of came together.  I didn't have an ending to it, until I did.  So... here.

Yeah... If it's not about one thing, it's about another.  Or... for some of us?

Plans, ideas, things...

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Still haven't taken a shower, but the shower is open for it.  Blood sugar has been staying high, in spite of, mostly, not eating.  So, last night, I... made beans and burger.  I needed something I was more sure I could eat, and something easy.  Burger just... doesn't taste good anymore.  But with beans, some sour cream, and cheese?

I'm changing cheese.  If I bother eating cheese, it will be European.  American cheese, 90%, uses a genetically modified rennet.  It is cheaper, not animal based, some sort of sludge.  And... get this... it's made by Pfizer.  So... yeah.  If it isn't bad for you, it is toxic.  Saying, if it isn't unhealthy, then it's made not to be?  Something.  If it's considered safe, it hasn't even been tested.  Something... to think about.  And... labeling?  Good luck with that.

You know you are making good plans?

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Oh, a few things medical.  Leg, knee, ankle, and foot, the bad ones, are doing better.  As I went to check things, in prep for a shower, and then rebandaging, I realized what is helping.  Compression.  They put compression bandaging on the whole leg, similar to what I wear, when I use compression socks and such.

But... I realized, when taking that off, that is why things are better.  So, after showering and bandaging freshly the wounds, I will be... once fully dry, be putting compression socks on.  Though I have lost so much weight.  Yes, I have wrinkles even on my legs, from the hip into the inner thigh... elephant wrinkles.  But, that's... good... or whatever.

Just... stop being fat?

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Right?  Just... stop.

I have lost ninety pounds this year, in eight months really, and as much as... at least? 288-227... ~60 pounds... since Thanksgiving day... actually I started about the week before, and I didn't maintain it for that meal.

So, I know people can lose weight.  A lot of it.  And... relatively quickly.

Very good?

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Toward the end of the month, I'm trying to get my money, bills, past and coming, ordered.  I checked my accounts.  There was enough to cover one final bill on one final expense.  I will check, again, next month.  But will be letting them go.  They are being terrible about allowing me to check my account.  So... I'll let them lend to someone else.  Weaponized financing will eventually eat the lender.  One way or the other.

As well, I wanted to see how much cash I had.  I order dairy, and the front of the month.  And, put money down to make sure I don't burden those who get it for me.  I have usually been getting a hundred, to keep me on track, to go on or near the first Saturday.

A bit better over better.

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Every pain has eased off the throttle just a bit.  Everything that hurt, still hurts.  Just not as much.  From 2500 down to 2200 revs?  Something.  Still screaming, just not deafeningly so.  It wasn't redlining, to start.  But was growling well.  Now it's just... shouting a bit.

Hungry.  But I can't figure food out.  That would require dishes, and cooking, and... such.  I had fattened coffee earlier.  That's been food for a few days, which is why I have been cheating when going to town.  A burrito last time, with rice and beans, and of course a tortilla wrap.  I... need food, want food, just can't... quite get to it.

Better.

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And worse?  Strangely, I think so.  A headache, and other aches.  But the type you get when the body is healing.  Too old to heal well, or quickly.  And I did some solid damage to my body.  In a number of different ways.

The healing pain is good, but is more intense.  So, yes, worse.  But that the body is healing is good.  As well, I was able to get up and down the stairs easier today, and last night.  Getting out of bed was easier today, also.  I wouldn't call it a fun thing, but it was just easier.  I was even able to use my currently bum knee to help.  I haven't been able to bear any weight on that until today.

Strange dreams.

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In the first one, Life had returned to hunting, some farming, and trading baubles.  Buts of metal to tufts of good materials.  In the right hands, enough of these could be turned into something.  But, until that point, a patch of wool or cotton, or 'button' of copper, would do as currency.  For the littler things, usually.  An old cast iron engine... now that was some serious "money".

No doctors, no medicine.  A few traveling healers, herbalists.

Some days...

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Some days...

Way long.

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The alarms... they were reset to four and six.  They just couldn't wake me up, even with a string of snoozes.  I almost woke up at eight, just couldn't do it.  My body is exhausted from the healing going on.  Finally, at around ten thirty, with some begging from Sassy, I was able to get up.

Actually, I think she was having a dream.  Her dream woke her, and that woke me.  Along with some of my own dreams.  Groups of young me looking machines, or cyborgs, were attacking.  In groups of twenty.  And I was  eliminating them.  Fairly easily.  In the end, there was a large group of them, a horde of them.

Right?

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Not... today, or tomorrow.  But soon.  I was too tired, when trying to do this.  Something was just off.  Won't try it then.  I have to be able to have my head in the game, fully.  But, I can begin planning, thinking, considering.

Here are a couple of vids.  I probably have watched these, or ones like them.  Just not recently enough.  Was so excited to be going out, that I... left go of my senses.  Hey, it happens.  Could have been worse, if I'm still not sure I can quite label it "lucky".

I wanted to feed Sassy.

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That and I just... hurt.  Wanted to sit up, catch my breath, reset and sort life and things.  Getting up is a task.  And, yet... I'll do it.  Sassy has been very good to me, patient.  She has been resting with me, and not being too fussy.  So I have really tried to make sure she gets enough food, and other care.

She is taking care of me.  Not pushing for me to wake, or rolling and coming and going.  It's good to try to do as much as I can, when I can.  Then, when I can't, she knows I do my best.  What comes around really does go around.  But it shouldn't be quid pro quo, more just... we do our best when we can, as we can.

Lucky?

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I keep hearing that.  And, I keep thinking someone doesn't understand "lucky".  Now, maybe that is me.  I mean, it could have been worse, far worse.  And, yes, sure, I'll recover, probably, in a week or four.  Probably through the worst of it?  Probably.  But... having to go through a couple to six weeks of recovery just doesn't sound lucky to me.

Oh, well, sure.  No gear.  So, given the givens.  But... when does luck talk about givens?  All I am saying is, when I hear doctors, nurses, and others who have been in accidents, say "lucky".  Especially with the looks in their eyes sometimes?  I'm thinking... if I was truly lucky, it would have been faster, and I would have had no wounds.

A tough day.

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I had hoped to get  another shower, this morning, before going in.  I was in such bad shape, that it just wasn't possible.  Worse, I needed to take a bm.  I just... cleaned as well as I could, after.  No way was I going to get a shower.  Everything hurt, and more than usual.  Just... difficult.

 I made it in.  Had to find the number, then call.  Couldn't remember where they were.  At least I was at the right hospital, and early.

Ouch.

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I had hoped a shower would... improve the pains.  No, not at all.  Now, everything that sort of stung, burned, or hurt in other ways, from the accident and with the open wound, are all worse.  Fine.  Even so, I'll shower again this morning.

Ah, and... I found more wounds.  Wounds?  Bruises and minor cuts, on the back of my head.  Yea, I... tumbled.  Those, okay?  Those felt worse on the finding but feel better now.

Later than planned?

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Still, not too bad.  I could have gotten up at four, with that alarm, but I simply wanted more sleep.  At that point I didn't need more.  But, being in the healing process, and that I could sleep more, I went on back to sleep.  I was hoping the six alarm would be cake.  And it was, to shut off.

I snoozed it right out of time.  Waking at seven, though, twenty minutes after the last snooze.  Sort of surprised I did wake that early, given how hard waking was proving to be for nearly the hour up to it.

Been thinking.

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The bike, and myself, front over front.  I rolled... forward... three times.  He said I looked like a kid having a tantrum.  I... was infamous for that, as a toddler.  Or... so I have been told.  It fits.

The bike?  I don't know.  I'll ask more.  Thirty miles an hour?  Hmm.  I had imagined that I would have been flicked, sideways.  He says no.  I'm not sure.  Thirty is pretty slow for a bike and bigger rider to tumble?  The only thing I sort of think I might remember was feeling that the throttle was stuck, and that I wanted to find the breaks... front.  I felt stuck, trapped.

Warmth is good.

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Just a few degrees warmer, but it makes a world of difference.  This, normally, would be nearing hot weather, for me.  When it goes from the mid 50s to the mid 60s, upstairs, I often suffer.  Just that much warmer and I just suffer.  Until I get used to it.  Then get used to the low to mid 70s.

But, with the body doing a lot of healing, the blood just isn't warming the body as it would normally.  Well, and lower blood sugar, lower bp, the works.  Now, blood sugar did get a huger jump, because I couldn't cook for a few days, so was eating fast food.

So cold!

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If I must be cold, I'd rather be cold when awake.  While trying to sleep, the cold can be much more brutal.  It is more difficult to react to it, handle it.  I'll be turning the furnace up shortly.  Did that while checking the out of doors.  Ah... 33, with snow/ice down on fringe areas, and it definitely rained, perhaps snowed lightly.  While it reads 33, it feels more like it is freezing out there.

Now I know... several things.  I turned the furnace to 75.  And, I'll be in the warmer part of the house while gaming.  This front room is colder in the winter, hotter in the summer.

Sleep was pretty good.

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Not too hot, not cold, Turning, often, but without that being a problem.  Dreamed I was recruited, as potential, for a college football team?  But, when I was younger.  I wouldn't do some things, even so, was doing well.  Strange, because I wouldn't have gone out for sports even if I had gone on to college.  And, yes, I was all conference, or would have been if I was college bound.  They changed it to someone else, to help with their career.  I... didn't have much respect for athletics, even then.  Less so now.

The knee hurts a lot, as does the ankle.  But more from bruising than the twisting?  Even so, these are fading into less pain, all together, and by parts.  I'm just old.  That doesn't help.

Oh, just... thinking out loud.

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May have to ask someone what they think.  Yeah.

One of the worst nights I can remember.

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The blankets were set up well.  Didn't matter.  I began freezing.  I made sure they were set up correctly, again, later on.  And they were.  So I turned the electric blanket on.  Which helped, until it hurt.  It became too hot.  I would put my feet out for a bit, then freeze, pull them in, then bake.  I simply could not get it right.

More, swelling.  Feet, ankle, knee... all swelling to the point of pain, on top of being too hot or too cold.  No idea why.  The window was closed.  But it is getting warmer up there, into the low to mid 60s.  It has been in the low 50s until spring has begun it's thing.  Though, too, it's the body trying to heal.  And pulling, pooling, pushing blood around to do things.

Doing this and that.

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While mostly just gaming, while gaming I am doing more.  I am working the ankle, and knee.  Not... greatly?  But, from time to time, giving each a bit of some turning, lifting, stretching, and light twisting.  Flexing my foot, wiggling the toes, just... trying to give everything that hurts a bit of a push, pulls, and all.

I'm not doing it to severe pain, but I am pushing past the pain to some degree.  As well, I am leaning into the bruised hip.  Not... so much as to cause agony, but enough to stretch into pain a goodly bit.

Well?

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After more time on the phone than you might imagine, I... found some things out.  I got next appointment date, time, place, Dr.'s name, and contact info.  Then, the appointment following that.  But... had to call three different numbers to find things out about that.  Further, I changed the place, which required a change of date and time.  But... okay.

As to the last appointment, that I knew about?  It's on no record with anyone I called.  And anyone I might have had access, or any connections anyone knows about.  So... there is one appointment that has simply gone missing.

Nausea.

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Back.  Not from food, or such, this time.  Just from the various pains.  It's all adding up to create nausea.  Well, and dizziness, along with a few other things.  All I can do is suffer through it, for now.

I keep receiving calls, for more appointments.  It difficult to stay on top of these things.  One of the things I will need to call back about.  I have the time, and date, and address or roughly.  But I don't know what clinic, the name of the center, and it isn't one I would know.  I also don't have their phone number.  Radiology?  By why several towns over?

I have to admit, life is hurting.

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It's more than everything hurts, than that something hurts.  Both legs, the right ankle, hip, and knee, ribs, and other things.  Amost a suffocating sort of hurting.  Breathing is difficult, from the pains.  Headache, and the neck is finally starting to hurt.  That begin yesterday afternoon.  Plus a bit of a headache, from or with that?

Nothing is excessive, on it's own?  It's just a lot of pains.  Well, as long as I don't bump my hip, or stand wrong, or sit too fast.  Still, it's everything in combination that is really getting to me.

An hour earlier.

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Or so.  When recoverying, I simply need more sleep.  The first couple of days I slept even more.  Twelve hours last night.  Again, I did set the alarms.  Hoping to wake at four.  Actually, hoping to wake at two or three.  Couldn't do it this morning.  And knew that wrestling with the snooze bar would only frustrate me.  So, when it went off, I turned it off immediately.

However, I woke a bit before six, turned on the light, sat up, and shut the alarm down before it sounded.  It took me nearly the ten minutes before to finally get socks on, and get up.  Wearing pj's to bed, and had been wearing socks, but it got too warm.

Still awake.

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Very tired.  Rather stiff and sore.  Ribs aren't too bad today, for now.  I had to get out for a bit, and did.  But... the body is about to get worse.  And it feels so socld.  It was at least 46 out there.  But it's feels so much colder than that.

Night medicine, down.  As well, some painkillers.

Well, a start.

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A message to my primary.  A request from the attending physician.  Then a call to podiatry.  I was looking at the wrong paperwork.  The right paperwork did have a number to call, but just for podiatry, not for... the other.  But, that may have been a misunderstanding.  That may be a referal from that referal, if he feels the need.  Can't reember what it is called.

Still, I have called the two numbers I have.  Oh, and the appointment from wound treatment, for that first wound is setup.

Hurt?

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The knee, ankle, and hip... in that order?  Only when I stand or sit.  No "attempt".  If I mean to do it, I do it.  Though... I may not get up whilly-nilly, as I might have.  Still, It, mostly, only hurts when I do get up, or for a shot while after getting settled.  It is still true, truer than I thought it was going to be, after first thinking it was.  My ribs hurt more, from losing so much weight so fast, yet not quite being skinny yet.  That 'tweener stage is brutal.

Now, waking, getting off the mattresses, crawling over to a bench with which to help me life up off the ground, since one knee and angle is bum, and one side can't be flexed without absolute misery?  That... hurts.  And, yet, I am guessing that is probably as good as physical therapy as I can get?  Or... won't hurt in that deepartment.  Wait, it will hurt.  But that department... does hurt.

Yea?

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Look, I was graced with suffering, and pain.  And... I took it like any red-blooded American man, from my time, should.  Regardless of my... many troubles aside.  Pain, and being useless in the world, is... difficult.  I tried just about everything, save a great height.  Since nothing else worked, I feared becoming a broken... thing... or more broken.

You know it's a bruise?

,

.

When they send you to physical therapy just for that.  The clot, in the middle?  I think it was 8 something cm?  The whole thing?  Much bigger.

No broken bones.  But they aren't sure about other things.  So the foot doctor, for something he will treat.  Or... maybe.

I... know it was her.

.

.

Oh, yes.  I... know.

She tells me.  She... didn't want me to say it.

Not bad.

.

.

From the bumps and such yesterday, not too bad today.  No extra pain, save two things.  The leg and knee are stiffer.  No serious swelling as I had feared.  But it's... limpy time.  However, the minor abrasion the on the side, that hadn't gone into the skin?  Well?  That side has a swollen mass the size of a softball, under the skin.  Burns.  Probably as much from the swelling as else.

I may call the VA, about an ER visit today.  We'll see.  Later.  I've never seen a swell like that, in all my accidents, incidents, and such.  As well, I'm slightly worried about my knee and ankle.  Sprain, break, twist... something.  Ugh.  Could have been worse.  Haven't looked at my face, yet, today.  Yet.  Ugly, nothing to look at.  So... but do want to see if any swelling is there.  Or... more swelling.  Bleh.

Well... for now, just some waking up.  Later.

Oh, ouch.

.

.

Just did a do dinger.  Skinned my knee in two spots, left a goose egg under the bigger of the two dings.  As well, scraped my wrist in a couple of places, like as if skidded, and caught one patch, then a smaller patch.  Twisted my ankle something fierce, and fell on my side hard.  Could have been worse, much worse.  But... I'll survive.

My ribs still hurt more than any of all that.  And I don't think that hurt my ribs more.  We'll see tomorrow.  It really might bite me then.  Oh, and broke my glasses.  They weren't my best glasses, but my second best.  Not happy.  And... I may try to fix them.  Oh well.

I really didn't want to...

.

.

No, the dishes I wanted to empty and remove.  To take a shower.  Which, I also wanted to do.  It's the scale.  I didn't want to step on it.  Last time I stepped on it, say... four days ago?  Did I list it?  I weighed 238.6.  Up from my low of 235.x... some week or two before.

I plateaued, and worse, had started gaining.  Nothing felt different.  Sure, I was getting rid of fluid.  But, by physical indications, I am only half way through that process.  I... really wanted to wait, a few days, get more water out.  But... no... I was naked, to shower, decided to just eat the bullet.

A bit of a fuss.

.

.

I was a bit grumpy, and angry about having to provide so much information... when it was they who called me.  But giving out that much information is not wise, either, anyway.  But, sore, tired, unhappy with that, I got angry.  A few days ago.

They called my primary, and asked to cancel me.  So, my primary contacted me.  I explained my fuss.  They gave me a number to call, so I called.  But they were busy, and busy, and busy, so I never got through.  It was lunch, that happens.  I got a call back today.  Saying they had tried to call me.  But... they hadn't.  I've been awake, my phone is open, and I have recieved no calls.  But I did say I would call again, and did.

Awake, late?

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.

Yes, both to recent norms, and by when I went to bed.  Must have needed the sleep.  Down at 17:30, hard.  The last bit of gaming totaled me.  Waking and getting up at 3:30.  In better shape?  Well, for now.  But I feel the ribs beginning to whine.  Now, it does look like, between compression hose and water pills, water is... if not leaving the body yet, is vacating the feet.  Not all gone, yet.  But... going.  Another day or two, I am hoping it will be in better trim.  Using old, larger, socks.  Will use newer, smaller, socks when I... can fit them.

Blood sugar is 101 fasting.  Weekly, biweekly, and monthly averages are 106, 124, and 139.   That last?  Is about the A1C from my last visit ~6.5.  Today's reading is around an A1C of 5.1...  Getting there.  I think I have enough blood sugar test strips to last to the end of the month.  Then I'll have to buy more myself.  At least for a while.  I want to monitor it, stay on track.  Especially when trying to add a few foods back.

I finished the game.

.

.

Not... that I am done with the game.  And... I didn't beat the game.  Solo?  I doubt it is possible.  Personally?  I just don't think so.  If it weren't for blind coop, having people basically carry me through?  There is no way I would have done it.  Just forcing coop.

Still, the first playthrough is... about... learning parts of the game, finding and sorting gear, and... such.  Even on the easiest mode, it is basically too difficult for most players.  It just is.  I'm a decent player.  But... am aging, and am not... the best, never was.  Just... reasonable player, good enough for this level.  Or... was.

A nice day.

.

.

I had decided, even if it got to 50, I wouldn't open up today.  Just... feeling cold.  The trash truck went buy, emptied my barrel.  An UPS truck delivered something.  So, eventually, I got out, got the package, then brought the barrel back in.  Then, while feeding Sassy a bit later, I checked the temp.  58!  I... can do that.  I opened up the back spaces, just the windows.

Forgot to turn the furnace off, but got to that a half hour after.  Close enough.  I need to get the windows upstairs open.  Just... the ribs hurt so terribly.  But... just... I'll get to it.

Very strange.

.

.

Did get the trash out, and something extra.  Sassy is being fed, her litter and water tended.  And, was redoing water.  I had one last jug.  It had been cleaned, then left to purify, in hot water.  Not boiled, but at 170, say, and contained, closed, for overnight, I count that as probably sanitized.

So, I finished that, but needed to run water.  I did that.  But, water was showing over 880 particles?  The usual high is 440 with it often running in the mid 200s.  Now, it could be the machine, but the water DID look different as I filled the reservoir.  Bubbly, extra white, strange.  Not sure if something, along the system, got flushed?  Or if there is some problem in the line, here or else?  Or... as I mentioned, perhaps it was just the machine (if the water does look... strange).

A good sleep.

.

.

A fine awakening.  Down at 16:30, awake at midnight... well... five to.  I stayed down until 1:30, with some effort.  Finally had to wake, get up, get going.  I left the window open a solid crack, say a third, quarter, the way up.  It was 56, outside, when I went to bed.  But a cold 56?  Strange how 46 can seem warmer than some 56 F days, nights.

The air was good.  Fresh, nice.  Then I shut it about when I woke up.  Give or take fifteen minutes?  Memory, while sleeping, even right when waking, is... cloudy.  Still, got a better night sleep, with fresh air coming in.  And, strangely, it was warmer.  Usually it is 59, lately, up there.  With the window open?  64.  Though, maybe, even with the door shut, it pulls heat up and through?  Don't know.

Doing good.

.

.

I feel like I have been run over by a semi.  But, blood sugar is... incredible.  It dropped from 122 fasting, to 95 just now.  And the weekly, biweekly, and monthly averages are 108, 128, and 140.  I was starting to think insulin was permanently out of control.

I had corrected it.  Twice before.  Then... just... blundered back into old eating, and drinking, habits.  I didn't think it would correct, this time.  Took a LOT more effort.  And, it wasn't just dissatisfaction with my food.  But real pain.  I'm still hurting.

Midnight thirty.

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.

Well, when I awoke.  Tried to stay it.  Only made it to one.  Fine.

Sassy was fed, first thing.  She didn't get much food yesterday?  I think she only got one can.  Usually I feed her two.  Oddly, she didn't fuss much.

Absolutely bushed.

.

.

No idea why.  I slept well, long enough... seven hours.  Usually six to eight hours is enough.  Save... when it isn't, then I have no choice but to sleep longer.

I wondered if blood sugar had spided, for no good reason.  Nope, it's 88?  Crazy low number.  And that is with some of my food.  Well, that was eaten several hours before the 99 reading.  Just water since.  But that doesn't alwasy mean much.  But... it does this time.

With people not adding sugar, and else, to my food, I am doing fine.  Why do I say that?  Because, I'm not doing anything different from when it was staying higher.  My body wouldn't, one day, react well with my foods, and on another react poorly.  That's just not how it works.  I honestly wonder if the VA just sends sugar pills, literally, half the time.  Shave those costs, you know.

With blood sugar being this low, I would think I would begin losing weight again.  Though... as mentioned, I best stop eating the pickled meats.  I think, somehow, that is causing water retention.  I'm not sure how much salt they use, or if they, officially, list that.  Either way, I need to cut that down to two to three times a week.  And smaller portions.  I have cut portions, but will cut them more.

I'll feed Sassy one last time, then go on to bed.  Her water is fresh, her litter boxes are cleared, or were this morning, yesterday morning, and for a week or two back?  Might have missed one day.  But... doing better lately.

Sleep should help with the aches and pains, in my body.  I'll keep the alarms set for four and six, but hope to be up around midnight to two.  One can hope.  Good day and goodnight.

Dairy arrived.

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.

Usually not this much, but a tub of sour cream, and I am trying their sweet butter.  Plus my usual of sweet raw whole whipping cream.  I noticed the internet is lying about cream, now.  Saying it has twice as many carbs as it should.  And, finding the real data, as I used to be able to do, is no longer possible.

In one sense, that's a good thing.  It means people are turning their back on big ag, and it's hurting so much they are censoring real information, putting in false, and hopefully going bankrupt doing it.  They are trying to suggest, too, that a tablespoon of the stuff is 80 calories, not the 55 it really is.

Good, but...

.

.

Down at 20:30?  Or so.  Always some give or take.  When stretching my day, the end of the day becomes fuzzy, as to memory.  But about then.  Awake at two thirty, if I didn't crawl out until three.  Just a slower start.  Which... was okay.  I had, this time, set the alarms for four and six.  The goal, as always, is to be up before those go off.  I... hate alarm clocks.  The sound, the sensation of being pulled from sleep mechanically, everything about them.  I... like what they offer.  Or the dream of what they can offer?  If they worked, regularly, for me, I'd have a regular day.  They are more a hope than a reality for me.  Part of why I hate them?  Angry at my fate.

Still, up.  Awake, this day.  No need to fuss or be sad, about life.  Not on this day.

Not bad.

.

.

I crashed so fast and hard, I forgot to set the alarms.  Which... worked.  I had been planning to set them around four and six.  If the goal was to wake up before they went off.  Which... I did, if without setting them.  Awake at two.  I took my time getting out of bed.  A leisure no human can deny, unless they have to get going.  But, if allowed?  A slow, gentle, waking is... truly luxurious.  Doesn't matter what time.

Good sleep, which I mostly got.  A slow wake up period.  All good.  I prefer to pop out of bed, mostly because I often am still tired, and hate the process.  But if I slept well, and feel rested, then a slow waking period is nice.  I just haven't had good sleep for most of the last thirty seven... thirty eight... years.  So, ripping the bandaid off, and just popping up, when possible, is what I did.  Or... just kept sleeping after trying to escape slumber.

A bit of help.

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.

I had forgotten that help was arriving.  Thankfully, they texted to check.  I checked, if the time and date was correct, and that was today in the afternoon.  Affirmative.  So, I said yes, showered, got dressed appropriately, and was ready.  I had a few types of various knives and box openers.  Short work.  I forgot a few, but mostly got what was in this room, and other places, taken care of.

Rather than cinching a belt down, to look like... a bum?  I wore suspenders.  I bought a few new pair.  I'll wear these for good.  The old set, that is a bit stretched, bent a bit, and such?  I'll keep those for my cargo pj's.  Or other items, that are mostly just for around the house.

As the world turns.

.

.

Do they still have daytime dramas?  I remember, when I was out sick, for a week.  Watched a few of them during the day.  I'm not sure if that was one of them.  All I know is it took a whole week to... get absolutely nowhere.  Something happened, or was about to happen, and they... just talked about it.  The whole week was about people finding out what happened, how it happened, and being told secrets or lies about what happened.  Well, and bring up stuff for three years before?

It was television hell, for me.  Fever, chills, sore throat, sniffles, a cough, body aches, and such.  School didn't want me.  Nothing else I could do.  Couldn't sleep all the time.  I realized, really, that is how women think, what they like, it's all about knowing every body else's business.  Or... those in their circles, and maybe one step, or two, out... in case something out there might become involved with their circles.

Improvements.

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.

I ended up awake all the way to 16:30?  Give or take a quarter.  I was so fried when I went to bed that the last numbers of the time are fogged out.  I, again, awoke at 20:00.  This time I did an assessment, to sort out why I was awake.  Cold.  I was cold.  Probably why I have been waking at that time lately.  It's when the world hereabouts shifts from spring like days to winter night temps.  And... I feel it.

So, I checked the blankets.  They were well placed.  So, I turned the electric blanket on, then tried to get back to sleep.  Check.  Not a lot more, but I did sleep to midnight.  Good enough.

14:30

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Awake.  Calls?  Lost my voice around noon.  Realized it was after I had planned to call, so thought about calling after lunch, say 13:30?  Couldn't talk by then.  I am too tired to speak.  And what comes out sounds like gravel, spoken by... a slow individual.  Can still type at speed.  Just... can't talk.

Just... continued to game.  Nothing fancy, just tinkering.  Trying to find a dungeon, in a zone, in a particular region.  Hmm, my blind shots aren't working.  I may need to see... where connecting regions are, for what I am seeking.  So that I have a better idea of where to go, or to know when I find it.  Or... maybe.  Just because connection zones are there, it doesn't mean what they often lead to is there as well.  Frustrating.

Still awake.

.

.

Trying to stay awake for... a while longer.  Would like to check on a few appointments, and... see how the making of some others is coming along.  I... fell behind on those.  But there were so many.  I did get some of them going, but... just too much.  I overload quickly, easily, when they try to put too much on me.  Though... I think I'll skip the cardiologist.  All he can do is watch me die.  He can't fix anything.  And all of his remedies are things I wouldn't accept.  Heart transplant?  That would guarantee my death within four to six years, assuming the "medicine" I would be required to start didn't get me first, and assuming they didn't just off me right their on the table.  They have been trying for ages.

I will let them check the kidneys.  But, as mentioned, those are improving.  A lot.  Just... to... take a look.  Again, I won't allow them to put me on medication, or do procedures.  They have greens fees and club dues, but not on my health.  Just... a check see.  Maybe another in a year, or six months.  Then we are done.  I wouldn't mind getting optometry and the other one set up locally.  But, again, and with those?  One or two, then done.  Unless something changes.

Benefits of gaming?

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.

First?  If I am gaming, I am not sleeping.  Can't do much, physically.  But can do this.  There has to be a lot of feedback, input, and stimulus.  Or I just... won't stay awake.  Even reading will simply put me to sleep.  I have tried.  And, on my favorite topics, to learn things, and in fiction forms.  I... just can't read much, for long.  My mind just shuts off.  Same with watching shows, too.  Most of them are so... simple.  It's easy to see what is going to happen.  Dull.  And, it takes them a week to get to the simple point, which is usually wrong, anyway.

But this game?  Every single thing is a puzzle.  Some of them I can figure out, others I have to look up.  Some puzzle solutions are easy enough to implement.  Others have to applied over time, through actions.  It's... good for the brain.

An odd day.

.

.

Down at about ten, up at twenty hundred, no choice, either way.  I fell so had to sleep, then woke, or my body did.  I wanted to sleep longer, no real good in trying.  I've learned that recently, again.  I've been... trying to taste from that soup for most of my adult life.  When it's bed time, that's it.  When my body wakes up, that too is it.

Blood sugar is... better.  It is 118 fasting?  Why?  I have no idea.  The only thing I have changed is having pickled meats, just a bit, per day.  But will be backing that off, to preserve those... make them last a few months.  The goal is to make a jug, last a month, or really, two of those gallon containers, one of each type, last two months.  So I can mix and match, don't get bored.

Bedtime.

.

.

What time did I get up yesterday?  Well, awake at 14:00, out of bed at 15:00... or so I wrote.  It's just hitting eleven, and I am about to close up shop.  That was a very long day.  Trying... to get back to days.  Trying.  If I could sleep longer, perhaps.

Nothing much.  It's 36 and raining, or drizzling.  Sleep should be wonderful.  Sassy has been fed well.  Even so, I'm not letting her sleep upstairs.  She'll begin bugging me as soon as she gets just a touch of hunger, so in six hours.  No.

Gaming along.

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.

I attempted to do some business today.  The thing is, without my debit card... which should have arrived?  I can't pay, for example, my utility bill.  There are a few other pieces of business that must wait until that arrived.  I had hoped it would be in, when I went yesterday.

I did pull the barrels in.  And... it was recycling.  While driving through town, to pick up the package, I saw four other recycling bins out.  But I saw eight with only trash barrels out.  So... I wasn't sure.  But it was done.  And, it did work out.  I thought so, for some reason.  Which doesn't make it so, or not.

Better, but early?

.

.

Such a... strange day.  Down around seven or eight?  If I remember right.  Up at 15:00?  Awake, really, more around 14:00, just... wanted to sleep more, so tried to force it.  No go with that.  I just... surrendered to the fact that I was awake just now.  Well, half an hour ago now.

It looks so wintery, in spite of the snow being off the ground, down here in the valley anyway.  But it was 52, when I checked.  Very... nice... very nice.  Almost tempted to open up, but I don't trust it.  It could go cold, hard cold, very fast, out there.  Something... about the cast and look of the day I just don't trust.  But... it was pleasant for just a bit.

Something feels awful.

.

.

I did eat a bit, tonight.  Did a bit of work.  But am feeling really wrong.  Too full, somehow.  I didn't eat all that much, either.  And, food started tasting bad.  I just couldn't... like my favorite foods.

My ribs and back feel bad too.  Just... wrong.

Nothing fancy, but... a few things.

.

.

It realized it was getting later.  I had to get trash out, plus recycling.  As well, I needed to pick a package up from the post.  I... got all trash and recycling out.  Cleaned out the fridge, first.  And cleaned the litter boxes, and took the duty bag to the trash as well.  Then I got to the post office and pulled the item.  It arrived Saturday?  Okay.  They had it in the largest box.  So I am sure they will be happy to see it empty come Monday.  That's probably in high demand.

I set up dishes, too.  Not a lot.  Just what had been in the works, and the glass pot.  I had beef soup in it, in the fridge.  It... was... definitely not edible.  It didn't smell terrible.  But I didn't want to touch it.  Sometimes luck is not with a guy.  I just washed really well.  But, thankfully, it really doesn't smell terrible.  Strange, but always happy for some small favors, fortuitous events, and such.

Gah!

.

.

Sometimes, without wanting to, I sleep for sixteen hours.  Actually, I never want that.  Sometimes I simply have no choice.  I try to wake, but it doesn't work.  I do come to consciousness, but not strongly enough to get out of bed.  Just... to notice how long I have been asleep.  Sort of rare, but it happens when I push things.

Though, when I want to, try, to sleep extra long?  No dice.  Even a few more hours would have been good.  But my body was awake, and that was that.  There is no returning to sleep when that happens.  And, so it is, that I was awake around 21:30.

Noon ought nine?

.

.

Not sure that is correct.  But I'm running with it.  Nine after, is the idea.  Not sure I labeled it correctly, but I... don't care.

I am going to try to stay up a bit longer.  To 13:30?  15:30?  Something.  We'll see.  But I am closing the door.  Sassy has been problematic lately.  Hmm... or maybe I'll go on to bed early.  To be up in time to get trash and recycling out.  I would like to do it now, but I can barely walk.  It's the end of the day, and really, the day ended, functionally, a few hours ago.  I'm just slogging through.  Just killing waking time, not... doing anything.

A lot of music.

.

.

I... may do more, later.  It's been piling up.  And... I like the notion.  Her?  A her?  Maybe.  Some of my friends chuckle at my notions.  Others... suspect there might be something to them?  I don't know.  Don't care.  Just... the... songs fit... something.  So I began collecting them.  But so many.

Just three, this time.  From a while back.  I had collected these.  Then just never posted them.  but they keep cycling.  Which... is unusual.  I rarely see a song more than a few times a year, if it's an oldy... one I used to view a lot or a little.

19:30

.

.

I actually stayed up until 13:30.  Not out of will, out of procrastination?  Just so weary that I couldn't get to bed, or do anything else, quickly?  Along those lines.  Just six hours down.  I'd rather still be asleep, out of will.  But my body woke, and took me with it.  It... has some things it wants to do.

Trash out.  Dishes set up.  Laundry reset, started, going.  Hoped projects, chores, duties, whatever.  And, maybe, some food.  I thawed steak and burger.  I had thawed burger, but that was... no longer any good.  Not a true waste, as I didn't eat anything in the interim.  So... in a way... it was in reserves.  Since I ate nothing else, in a way, it wasn't wasted.  Sometimes I just can't eat.

I made it to noon thirty.

.

.

That's as good as it will get.  I am absolutely crushed by exhaustion.  Should sleep well.  Long?  I can hope.  The goal is to sleep until one or two.  I... just can't push my days and nights around, or quickly.  I'll probably never be able to, in this life.  Those days are long gone.  Slow and easy.  Though, easy come, easy go?

Heart medicine, once we got on the right stuff, and titrated up or down as needed by this or that?  Has helped me keep my schedule better, more often, for longer.  But... extremely hot or cold weather... or too much demand... appointments, social, shopping, or such?  And I crash, burn, and lose my grip on a regular schedule.  The bad heart, kidneys, and liver won't let me have a full life, or keep a schedule.  The closer I get to one, the further I get from the other.  Though... sometimes it just doesn't matter.

Trying to push through.

.

.

I didn't wake until... 18:30, or around then.  It's 8:43.  I will try to push through the day, again.  Back to 18:30... as late as 20:00, if possible.  It's going to be a difficult day.  But, trying to recapture days.  Had it... for a day.  Two?  Then it all went to hell.  I pushed too hard, too fast, for too long.  So... I'm... pushing more.

It does worry me a bit.  Things could break.  The heart could get damaged, or just stop.  No risk, no reward?

Someone saying something?

.

.

Had to laugh.  Someone thinks they know something, and thinks they think something.  I won't say right or wrong, only... I... get their point.

It isn't just the women I have dated?  Hmm...  Had to laugh.

Wow, I was tired.

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.

I didn't get to bed until two.  Just... couldn't.  Since I was still up, two hours after my "carnivore snack", I decided to test blood sugars.  I feared it had gone up, being that I was eating late.  It... often... does that.  And I pigged out a bit.  Or... by my new standards.

Blood sugar had been 131, so I was expecting, say, 140 to 150?  Nope.  It was 115.  Nice.

Did a little research.

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.

Looking for a... fast carnivore snack.  Found an answer.  Many, but only one that (might) work for me.  Fried pork rinds, dipped in sour cream.  I wasn't sure about the pork rinds.  I've had that bucket of them, if unopened, but for... two years?  They got set aside and forgotten.  I was sure they would be sour, old tasting, perhaps out and out rancid.

Nope.  All good.  And I had sour cream from my last order.  So I grabbed a small plate of those, and a big dab of sour cream, then got to it.  Dull, actually.  Not... horrible.  Just plain.  Very, very, plain.  Still, I got it down.  And it did handle my hunger.  And it is carnivore.

I'll have to think of something else to add to that.  Perhaps cream, onion and garlic powder, a bit of salt, possibly some other spices and/or herbs.  Sort of make a carnivore* ranch dressing.  *For carnivores who allow spices, herbs, and dairy, which I do minus milk.

In my searching, I found a suggestion for using LMNT, a flavored electrolyte mix, for flavoring something.  That... didn't interest me.  However, earlier, I watched a video about how to make pemmican.  Now... pemmican, with just fat and dried powdered meat?  Is blander than what I had.  So, I was thinking... what if you added flavored electrolyte powder (not necessarily LMNT) into the pemmican?  That... could be good.  Now, LMNT has flavors most don't have, like chocolate.  Which might be interesting to try in a really small batch.  But, raspberry, blueberry, and other berries, would be fantastic, especially if that didn't have any carbs.

So, yeah.  I purchased a fairly decent batch of shredded jerky, on a pretty good price, with the 'right' ingredients.  For this, I just haven't gotten to it.  So... now all I have to do is find better tallow, and some sort of flavored electrolyte.  It's easy as pie to make.  Have to do maffs!  For an 80/20 fat/protein ratio, find how much jerky you are using, multiply that by four... to get the protein calories.  Then, figure out how much fat is neede to make that 20% to a full 100%.  Then, divide that by nine, to get the weight of the tallow that is needed.  The rest is grinding the jerky a bit, to a near powder, melting the fat (and probably adding the electrolyte powder to that), then finding a pan of some sort that will handle the various volumes, and fit in the freezer.  I have a drop in, so that shouldn't be a problem.  Then... waiting.

It'll cost a few dollars per bar.  But... yeah.  I'd like to try the chocolate, but would like to taste that alone (in water that is), and in other small things, before committing.  But I'm hoping they have some berry flavors.  Again, to be tasted first.  Won't be a really strong flavor, most likely.  But will just... add... a little something.  Potentially.

How is that for mixing and matching?  A bar would have helped tonight.  If... I could tolerate it.  On to bed, finally.  With... a less growly, grumpy, stomach.  I just didn't think I'd sleep well without it.

----------

Not LMNT.  Their ten pack of single use packets are $45, or $39 if you sign up for automatic ordering.  Ugh.  No.  That's $4.50 per single dose.  If you have a ton of dough, and like what you like, there you go.  Here's your ticket.  I'll hard pass on that.  I'd do a dollar dose, if they were any good.  But untasted?  They say zero question returns.  But, there is shipping, both ways, on me.  And the trouble, hastle, and possibly hidden hoops and hurdles not indicated.  So... I'll... find something else.  But the idea is solid.  Now goodnight.

A bit tired.

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Up too late.  I did attend an invitation.  Ate dinner while there.  Talked.

Stories.  Believed, or not, is not my worry.  Both ways.  So it goes.

Awake, mostly, and well.

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Still a bit of a sleepy head.  Not so tired it hurts.  Drags, a bit... like trying to paddle a boat with a small anchor dragging bottom.  It hasn't, proverbially, dug in, or become entangled.  It just... makes efforts more difficult.

Oh, ouch.

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Down at 20:00, and... something... less than a decade to more than a score?  By a bit, either way.  Before the thirty mark, though, I believe.  I set the alarms for six and eight.  I woke a bit before six, but there was no way I was waking then.  So I shut that off before it went off.

Then, at around seven thirty, I woke again.  Still feeling rough, I almost shut off the eight alarm.  But... I stayed my hand, will... thinking on it.  I woke again, at seven fifty six.  Still feeling rough, but I wanted to make a stab at just getting up.  But... I didn't want to hear that stupid alarm!

Up late, and out again.

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I had been going to bed around nine.  But, yesterday I had an appointment at 8:30.  And I had a bunch of business to do.  Since I couldn't nap, I ended up staying up until... I don't know when, and not sleeping that night.  Then, calls woke me.  I'm turning the phone off tonight.

Then, I... had made plans with a friend, to go out to dinner.  To try the other keto pizza place.  I checked blood sugar before this meal.  Then about two hours after returning home.  It was 134 before, 220 after.  That pizza is NOT keto.  I didn't do a before, test, at the other place.  But the after was 154.  So, if the start was similar, which it may have been, that is a bump I can handle.  But the 220 is not.

However, I have to try it again.  Or... not.  It is excessively expensive.  Double what a regular pizza costs.  I'm just not seeing it.  It was very good.  Mind you.  Both were very good.  But between the blood sugar spike with the one, and the price with both... no.

I have both pickled pork hocks (boneless, all meat and fat), pickled turkey gizzards (which really are delicious, and both are completely carnivore friendly, and a little different), as well as garlic and halapeno stuffed olives arriving.  Might have to try the anchovie stuffed olives.  While the olives aren't carnivore, they... are my keto allowances, from time to time.  Though, the anchovies would make a happier medium, if I could tolerate them.

Beyond dinner, I got my hair cut.  My friends wife type does that, and she felt okay about working with me.  So... I got it.  A high and tight, with long hair in the middle.  Longer.  It's... not really long.  Cleaned, and leaner looking?  A... bit different.  Silver hair, and a younger mands "do".  Whatever, I like it.

Then, I was telling him costco hadn't sent my card!  He said I had to go in, get a picture taken, and they'd make it, and it'd be ready right then.  So... we did, and it was!  Who knew!  And, later, we did some minor shopping there.  I don't think I bought anything, it was just... Well, I did look at steaks, and a few other things, but no buying currently.  I still have quite a lot.  Another month or three of feed?  Maybe.

But, I did get coffee, of the sort I like.  And found out that a sister store, to the one I go to in one town, also has my preferred brand of coffee.  They only had one dark roast, but it was very good.  Smelled... like coffee, not a bunch of pumpkin spices.  Ugh.  Coffee coffee, thank you!  Butter, just a smaller pack.  And... lots of water, two lots of black olives, which were on sale, and yogurt.  Nice.  I think that was everything I wanted, and needed.

We did a few other things.  He can't really do actual work, other than driving a plow.  So, with the weather being fair, we could do some running for work and fun.  It's good to see real people, in person, from time to time.  And his wife and I spoke more than... three words this time.  She is usually painfully shy.  But, at work, she is... in her element?  But, she is good with the scissor and sheer.  I'll say that.  Some aren't.  Some should be let go rather quickly.  She is... good.  Very good.  And it isn't as easy as it looks, I must admit.

Might as well push through to later evening.  Try to push my nights back to nights?  Try.  I have something coming up soon.  In the afternoon.  Ugh.  I'm... trying.  Doing fairly well, really.  Anyway.  A very good day.  And a warm one.  It was at least 40 F out there.  I don't think it clocked 50, but maybe closer than further?

On to gaming.  Later.

I... sense something.

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Questions?  Eternal.  Oh... no worries.  I have them myself.  Which is why I was... a sort of atheist for longer than you could imagine.  Was it pride, or strength, which kept me from seeing?  Hearing?  Finding.  I was seeking.  For I knew what I had heard, led to believe, was false.  But I was sure there was a truth.  I was eating of it when it... helped me understand.  If too?  That is... what it wanted.  Take this, eat of it.

A few troubles.

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The leg is hurting, the wound.  From walking all over today, plus the shower and bandaging are doing their things... debriding the wound site.  Walking speeds that up, by grinding the packing, leg movement, and else.  Getting a bunch of things done is good, but there are various prices.

Was getting so many calls, and texts, and such, while sleeping.  Trying to sleep.  My mother had called twice.  I answered the last time, but her call didn't go through.  So, I called her back, but my call went directly to voice messaging.  I'm still not sure if she is tinkering with her phone, or someone who hates her.  She... would do it... because.  Or she gets angry.  Or... such.  Others, there, might do it because she is otherwise on the phone all the time.  Jealousy?  Some old folk, especially those with no children?  Can be harshly hateful, jealous, devious, evil.

A lot of things.

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I couldn't sleep, or I wouldn't have gotten up.  I had an appointment today, blood work, at the doctor office.  LOTS of blood work, sixteen I think he said.  Plus a urinalysis, but I wasn't able to go.  I had to go at like five thirty, six.  But I held it.  I think it was the cold.  Hit me like a brick.

I had other things to do in town, so I had hoped to be able to go sometime during the day, and could return.  But, no.  It just didn't work.

Hmm?

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Yes, still alive.  Just... was busy gaming.  Mostly in coop, but sometimes, about half the time?  Solo.  Trying out the next version of the game.  Not sure it's doable.  Definitely not solo, not at the start.  Sure, they say so-and-whozitz is playing solo, and on the hardest setting!  But, what they don't tell you, is someone, or a group, got them decked out first.  THEN they did solo.  Or they just die every other step, and don't mind.

Now, some things, over time, you can sort out.  The "elites", mini-bosses, on the regular map, is what I call them.  You... probably won't figure out all of them, not on your own.  Coop peeps, online stuff.  Though y.t. has nothing of any real worth most of the time.  I am beggining to suspect the company polices y.t. of any good content, because they want to see their own guide book, which usually doesn't.  And, because they want the frustration.

Surprised.

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I had a two pack of thin steaks.  I used one... three days ago?  Four?  Then had another steak, but only ate half, finishing it the following day.  Did I go a day without food in there?  Maybe.  You'd be surprised how easy that is on the carnivore food plan.  Sometimes I literally just forget to eat.  It just never crosses my mind.  Or... I don't want to cook, or clean, or... anything.  So... I don't.  And it's no skin off my nose, if maybe some weight off the middle?  Sometimes.

Anyway, there was one left in the fridge.  I didn't even wrap open the packaging.  Just put it in the fridge.  If the other steak was further along into the opened package.  But, I didn't think it would be good.  Sniff test, looked it over for... ANYTHING.  Nope, look, touch, and smell told me it was still good.

Fifteen?

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Thousand.  This is, exactly, the 15,000th post.  Just... for your information.  And mine.  I... wasn't paying attention.  I just happened to be looking at the control panel, or whatnot, and noticed 14,999.  Then... noticed what it was about.  Okay.  That's... a lot of posts.  Babbling bs?  Whatever a cave man could have put on his walls, if he had letters, back in the day.  More true than any newspaper.  At least presented as honestly as possible.

Rained all night, off and on.  Was 54, last I looked, so I opened the window beside me.  Slept like a baby.  This morning it started snowing just as I looked out, here.  But in... large clumps, a heavy snow.  And it is down to 31.  The hush that falls over the world when that happens?  Wonderful.

Up a... little longer.

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I was going to go to bed at about 2:30.  Then, I... thought I would... check about something?  And... here it is, 4:30.  Still, earlier than some other recent days?  Right.

I had an okay run.  But no one else is playing this late.  Or no one close enough for the links to work?  But it is an old game.  There is that.

Oh, ouch.

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This game is killing me, perhaps literally.  Though what doesn't kill you?  It doesn't always make you stronger.  Or... any other good thing.  It doesn't even make you wiser.  Then again, stressing, a bit, is probably better than not?  I'm never sure about some things.  Exposure to germs?  Eating questionable food?  Stressing maximally playing a game?  They might be good for you, or bad for you... or it might just... be which time?  Exposure creates resistances, strengths, tolerances.  But can be lethal.  All about dose, and do you really know... what the dose any given time is?  Or even dose compared to your capacities?

Anyway.  But, yes.  I finally found the place and encounter I needed, went online and put out a general invite for coop.  Got a taker.  And made it through, plus suceeded in the thing.  Impossible, I think, to do alone.  Even if you can do it alone, it's... too much stress.

Ugh, stupid game.

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There is supposed to be a way to do smaller side portions of the main areas.  It suggests it can be set up.  But it's looking like just another random generator.  Worse?  It seems to echo itself.  I mean, rather than being greatly different from re-roll to re-roll, it's... nearly the same with only minor differences.

There is just one quest that I entered, without knowing it.  I failed, or part of it.  But after running through the small section portion, so I don't lose the whole game save... in which I am nearly completed, I have not even seen a thing like what I am looking for, and not even a new boss.  I did find one new area, two?  But they were on the same map.  The rest is pretty much just ending up like the one from before.  The boss changes that do happen are bosses I have already beat, dungeons I have already been in.  Ugh.

An ugly beauty.

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Just waking at 14:00... and change.  How much?  I can't say.  I got to some things, but around a quarter after?  Something.  Not sure when I went to bed though.  It was after six.  Ten minutes after, or three hours after, I can't say.  But I would guess a half hour to two hours later, as closer probable times.  Slept well.  But I am achy, from sitting in the chair I realize.  It's... a hard, oak, Amish made, kitchen chair.  Beautiful, solid, but not made for long sits.  Only old fools who can't figure things out end up sitting for twelve to fifteen hours in one, playing a console game.  Double ugh.  I... should... figure something else out.

As to the uly beauty?  It's the day.  Overcast, blustery, rained through the night off and on.  So the snow is mostly gone, but greenery hasn't quite yet come back.  So, it's... that ugly spring/fall looking day.  But, it's 50!  Wind and gusts are UP.  But... at that temp?  I said I would open the house, turn off the furnace, and let it run.  And it is running!  Oh, so needed a bit of a clearing.  Maybe it will pull me out of the lethargy?