Tricks, tracks, and rhythm.

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Way too many things on my plate.  A few slim things done.  Plans and ideas haunt my sleeping and waking hours... even those... moments... seemingly interminal periods of indeterminate time when I can't be certain if I am awake or asleep, or neither in some off odd form of reality... or both?  No rest for the wicked?  If true, even less so for those who attempt life in light.  Though, at least with the light?  The suffering is a grace, rather than simple misery.  Or... so I believe.  As I personally understand things.

Recently, I had an appointment.  With the kidney clinic.  Apparently the V.A. allotment had lapsed.  Which means, without fast arrangements, I may be charged.  Their office moved.  And, in there, something was missed.  Or they sent something to me, that I didn't understand, respond correctly, or such?

I keep hoping for improvements.

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Exhausted, right down to the cellular level.  Muscles burn, as if exhausted via vigorous exercise much of the time.  Sometimes having done very little, sometimes from doing nothing at all.

Strangely, I can stack and store several hundred pounds of, say, bags of sand and top soil.  While that exhausts me, that often exhausts me less than I sometimes getting doing nothing, or much less work.  It's as if, at times, randomly, my cells can't get enough oxygen, or energy, so that they struggle to survive.  But that has nothing to do with exertion.  Organ failure?  Metabolic failure at some or several levels?

Running solo for a bit.

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Mother is off to a wedding.  A short stay, this time.  Five days, with travel, or so.  Which means I have to feed and water critters, and myself.  As well, I am doing a few other things, plus daily chores.  Trash is out today.  Not recycling.  If it is recycle day, there isn't enough to bother with.

I refreshed kefir, from scratch, recently.  Then turned that today.  I also cleaned the ice machine and one of the ice buckets, and am running several batches of vinegared water through. I also let the ice bucket soak in vinegar water, rinse soaked it in plain water, then did a final rinse and dried it.  It smells much more neutral again.  Was getting that freezer smell.

Rough?

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Still needing a lot of sleep.  Stress, the weather... it goes from warm to cool to cold, back up, then cold and with health being... off.  BP keeps staying high, even with taking medication, and extra.  I don't understand.  Then again, if mother wasn't here, I would go without food for days, weeks, possibly longer.  And I'd sleep clean through days to weeks, often without medication.  Only drinking water every few days to weekly.  Almost literal hibernation.

Perhaps there are times when the only thing that helps is sleep, well and rest.  While I sleep a lot, I do spend some of that downtime awake but doing nothing... thinking, daydreaming, sensing.  Still, mostly, sleeping for eighteen to thirty six hours, waking for food and water, or very minor chores, and medicine, every eight to twelve hours, for an hour or two.  Waking, every eighteen to thirty six hours for four to maybe pushing eight hours, before I crash again.

Complicated.

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Still sleeping a lot.  I finally closed the upstairs windows.  While it seems warmer, that isn't making much difference.  If I suspect, until it can be nearly seventy up there, regularly, it really is too cold to allow improvements.  And, of course, it will only be that temp for a while, before rising into the eighties or higher, so requiring ac.  Which... complicates temperature regulation.

There are things I like about my home, and the temperature changes, there are things I don't like.  My health issues add to the complications.  As sometimes, no matter how warm or cool, my body simply doesn't correspond to environmental inputs... fevers in the winter, chills in high summer.  Let's just admit I must embrace misery or suffer the more?  Something like that.

Two days down.

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Three?  Lots of sleep.  Trying to wake twice a day for food, water, and medicine, for what good the last is doing.  Though, I suppose, it could be worse otherwise.  However, the medicine isn't reducing my blood pressure as much as it should.  Keeping it in the 150-160/90-110 ranges, in spite of taking larger doses than should be indicated, double to triple the usual doses per reading.  I don't think the waterpills are working either.  I am at 224, last time I weighed.  Which is up fourteen pounds in spite of very few calories or water in.  Oddly, I sure seem to pee a lot?

I'll keep at it.  I may switch some things up.  Trying, for example, to drink plain carbonated water instead of flavored.  And reducing how much bread I eat.  I ate a bit more, with the experiment.  But, too, it isn't causing problems.  I don't think it would be the weight issue.  I think I had gained the weight before starting bread.  Mother says my color is better, after finally resting and sleeping so much more.  I... was getting into trouble there for a bit.  Feeling better.  If more sleep would yet be good.

Oh, the bread.

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I did, last night, get the last loaf of sourdough baked.  Now, for whatever reason, I could not get that loaf to rise to even 200 F.  I think the highest it got was 185.  I baked it for... Four hours?  Five?  At 480.  Checking the internal temp every forty minutes to hour.  Ugh.

Now, it did seem done, not burned or raw.  The flavor was definitely more sour.  A very odd loaf.  Seriously, pretty good.  So very strange though.

A few thoughts.

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I keep seeing bits in even the forms of what passes for news even in my materials regarding modern family issues, inflation or whatever that really is, and else.  I pretty much ignore these things, because to a degree, they don't have too much to do with me.  Still, I thought I would clear some things, like dumping a memory cache, so that I can move on to real issues.

The problem between men and women is pretty simple.  The solutions?  Those will solve themselves.  Currently, those aren't considered as worth pursuing as a social or political problem.  The effects of the disconnects, fewer children, a collapsing modernist population, is considered a feature by those with hands on levers.

Mom is distressed.

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Between wrist surgeries back to back, the good weather and neighborly help, plus what I can and am doing, she has pushed herself.  Pushed to an exhaustion which has exacerbated her palsey to a serious level.  She refuses to believe in cause and effect.

I know.  I... used to push to my near ends, and suffer greatly for it.  I can plainly see what she did and the costs.  That is why I don't let her, myself, or events, push, pull, drag, or crush me that deeply anymore.  I turn off the world, crawl in bed, and sleep as much as needed, wanted... to how much want has anything to do with... anything.

A few things right.

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The bread was finally baked.  It took nearly twice as long as suggested and barely opened along the cut?  Ah, altitude... it is nearly a mile high here.  I am hoping, next full batch, to add bloomed yeast.  As well, even the next loaf (too late to add yeast, as it is formed), to both set it out to come to room temperature, work it lightly to wake it, and add fresh surface tension.  As well, spritz water into the dutch oven as I close it up, in the hopes moisture will allow the skin to rise better before hardening.  As well, the next batch will be made using the keto einkorn flour, which should be much lighter than ground whole wheat.  I suspect, hope, it will be more like white flour, rising much easier.  Though will the sourdough or yeast have as much effect?

Mom seemed to like it.  Me?  Not so much.  I did a good thing, I went by internal temperature, to between 200 and 210 F.  This is why I have had a gummy loaf before.  As well, having a pizza stone under the Staub dutch oven (on a lower rack, not directly under the dutch oven) made it so the bottom of the loaf didn't burn, or even brown.

Getting there.

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Yes, two stretch and folds, as they are properly termed, were enough.  Now I have split the dough into two loaves, and begun shaping them.  Just a bit of stretching and foldind first, to waken the dough, then to form and begin creating a circular, global really, form.  Then rolling and pulling in order to create surface tention.

Once that has been worked as well as possible, a bowl or such is put over the portions.  Which are left for an hour.  I will do that one more time.  At which point, if I feel the tension is good (most likely), I will then heavily flour the battenons, place the portions in, the put those in two gallon plastic bags.  Putting the whole parts in the fridge.

Bread.

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A bit late, an hour later than hoped or so.  The sourdough starter had started deflating, from peak rise, but was still within ten percent of peak.  So, as good as I could do.  Might try using the alarm clocks to do better.  I thought I would be up in time, having slept so much.  But no.

I think the autolyse process went well.  According to what I was expecting , hoping, from a guru, the results were right.  Currently I am letting it rise.  Being whole wheat through and through, it won't bulk ferment to double.  As well, I am receiving conflicting data regarding flipping and folding the dough.

Some things.

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Having a heck of a time getting things done, tracking business and health affairs, being awake well or for long, and else.  I did get four or five things started or going.  But am stuck again.  I have... four or five more things still awaiting work or back in my court again.

I have been checking the sauerkraut varieties.  I may have oversalted?  Will find out.  Looking good, moving along.  So not too little salt or it would go bad.  Obtaining a pH tester next payday... helps track ferments, helps sort the right amount of salt needed, and when a ferment is ready, or safe to refrigerate.  As well, I added a jar of red radishes to begin pickling, a brine pickle as with the sauerkraut.

A short sweet dream.

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I was on a space station, in my current health and age.  It was rather roomier than would be realistic, something I consciously noted outside the dream.  A bit of a fourth wall break, something I generally avoid unless possibly needed to continue the suspended disbelief required for some of my dreams.

The dream survived both the obvious problem and my attempt to bridge the gap.

So sleepy.

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I didn't wake until early afternoon, nearly two/14:00.  But, just to eat.  I couldn't stay up.  Mom had half a dozen things she wanted me to do.  I told her I would do things later.  She wasn't happy.  She ended up just doing some of those things.  As I have said, if she wants things done on her schedule she may have to do them herself.  Not being rude, just... I have serious limits.

If you lived in my skin, you would understand.  Imagine going to bed at, say 21:00 to 22:00.  Waking at, say, 5:00 to 7:00.  Now, imagine being awaken every few hours, being asked to take out the trash, or put up kitchen rods, do these or those chores.  Sometimes, often, you couldn't.  Sometimes I can't even eat, even if it has been actual days between meals.

Trump or nay?

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As presented?  Sure, mostly.  If I have my doubts. 

I mean, most of what he seems to offer, suggest, sounds good.  From ending daylight savings to lowering personal and corporate taxes, shrinking the government, enshrining real enumerated rights... even clawing some of those back.  A lot of good things.

Some things are of no interest, such as attacking Iran for Israel, our involvement in African conflicts or the Ukraine debacle.  Though some of that is business.  Literally.  Like it or not.

Nausea.

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And more.  Like the extra side effects from the flu.  Dizziness, nausea, a mild headache, mild aches of various sorts, exhaustion, something like fevers from time to time.  Not actually sick, not with the flu.  Perhaps bad food in?  Or maybe the fast warming has thrown me?  Some such.

Mother is loving it.  Thus outside working.  Wants me to help.  Forcing me to help.  I got the riding mower gassed and going, she kept getting it stuck on a minor burm in the front yard.  After the second time in minutes I parked the mower, grounding her from using it.

Warming in bounds.

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Leaps and bounds.  It was 45 to 55 for a goodly bit.  Then it dropped into the 20s and 30s for lows.  Finally it seemed to improve, but on paper only... reaching 57 but that feeling cooler somehow than the day before when the high was 42.  Then it warmed into the proper fifties again.  Then hit 67 yesterday and 76 today.

Spring has rolled the

dice on summer.  It comes soon,

like it or otherwise?

Dreams.

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A set of them... three.

In the first, I was an older woman.  Early to mid fifties, single.  Working, but not in a real career.  Never married, no children, currently alone.  A doctor appointment and potentially dark news.  Cervical cancer?  I had to look it up.  Not sure which stage, or treatment plan, as of the dream.  Just... realizing... I was alone, poorish, and in possible serious trouble.

In the next dream, or portion?  I was an older mechanic.  Car?  Plant?  Again, not career, just employed, if partly self employed... Think shop employee and shade tree mechanic.  Married, with grown children.

Another day.

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I reset kefir last night.  Plus, changed all the jars.  I can use the jars four to six times before they start making the kefir a bit too sour due to buildup of old goop.  Though, too, I wanted to put new, cloth thus breathable, caps on the first ferment jars.  If nothing, to see if that makes a difference.

It does seem to make a difference.  From simple observation, the kefir grains float rather than sink in.  I'll know about taste shortly.  Oh, but the yeast scent is... fresher?  It smells more pleasant.  Though, with new, fresh, jars, that may be the cause, or part of it.

Ugh.

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Not everything hoped or planned.  Four things, pieces of business.  Plus bird seed in the feeder.  That was easy.  Most of the business that was completed was easy.  But two of the tasks took quite some time and multiple operators to fix.  However, as far as I can go, everything I started, from my end, was completed to my ability.  Two things are now in other people's hands.

I had planned to wake earlier, to get mom to the workforce center.  She has to, again, again, try to get medicaid in Utah.  They keep trying to deny her by playing ignorant.  Basically the denial game private health insurance uses.  Same game, public instead of private.  Though in Utah there is more to it.  Out-of-staters are third class cutizens.  If in-staters (save the favored) are second class.

Many things.

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This last week has been... more productive.  Shopping, business in town, a few things here at home, this and that.  Today, a lot of business.  I was surprised how much I could do just this afternoon.  Three bills checked, one left to check.  A few numbers obtained, or found again.  Various mortgage business done or arranged.  Several texts and emails received and relayed.  Ugh.

I finally made a final version of a keto flour which includes einkorn wheat, this morning.  And copied four recipes to file cards lately, two this morning.  It's as if I am having to relearn to write cursive again... getting better.  Plus we have been cooking and eating well.  Tonight I had a portion of kidneys.  Once you get used to them, I anyway, like them at least once a month, twice if I can remember.

Sorting things.

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Started burying myself in the cell phone.  Reading, here and there.  Watching vids.  Blogging.  Just killing as much time as possible, when I couldn't sleep.  I needed rest, and sleep.  So, for a bit, it was a method to that madness.  It is time to change that.

What can I do otherwise?  Gaming, some of the time.  Beginning exercises.  More chores and tasks.  Trying to attempt to be awake more often, reengage with life if and as possible.  And eat a bit more.  So cook a bit more.  I have begun exploring those keto recipes, I want to dig in further.  Some work, some don't.

Lots of sleep.

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At eighteen to thirty six hours at a time, only waking for a few hours at most, twice to three times a day, to drink and maybe eat, check vitals, and take medicine if possible, life is... strange.  I am only waking that if because mom wakes me.

She needs more help after carpal tunnel surgery on her right arm.  Which pretty much has made that arm useless to her.  So I am not just wanted, but needed.  I am doing my best to help, take over some of her duties including cooking, and being available when she just needs help.

Still sleeping as if in hibernation.

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Mother just doesn't understand.  I don't need food.  Can go days without even water.  And sleep for days, longer if someone would allow it.  It got really cold, there for a while.  Which added to all else driving me to sleep.  Warming back up, slowly, into the 40's and 50's.

We had a bit of a tiff lately.  She lost her bottom plate (teeth).  I was late for an appointment, couldn't help.  After a raft of merde, and not talking for a few days?  I finally asked.  She found it in her room.  A few more days of me not talking.  I am still a bit unhappy, especially that I had to ask before she told me.  Whatever.

Better, again.

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Still with a foot and a half in the grave, mostly just exhaustion from the harrowing numbers and, to me, cold.  It's been in the mid to high 40s, even 50, lately, for highs, outside.  Relatively warm, blistering for February.  But, up here, inside, it seems frigid.  Usually I mostly sleep through this season, but mom won't have it... mostly for the better, unless that kills me.  It might be?

A bloody nose nearly all of yesterday.  The first one in months, and the worst in years.  A sign or fluke though?

Back up.

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After a spot of sleep, and some rest, I awoke feeling slightly better.  Things have been being caught up, but were still behind.  Water jugs to fill, ice to make, and while at those, cats to feed.

As well, I wanted to check bp.  I took "morning meds", if very late, and after checking bp initially.  With it being in 151/95, by my recent protocol, I took a dose and a half (9.37 mg) of carvedilol.  As mentioned, that was disastrous.  BP dropped to 90/60, roughly.

Busy, ill, bad news, and struggles.

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And other news.  My kidneys, it seems, are damaged from high blood pressure and high insulin.  Both of which are under control.  But they have been under control for over a year.  So... why the recent fall?  My last three A1C readings where 5.9, 5.7, and most recently 5.5.  The last two are basically in the healthy range, without medication.  And bp, if I have to adjust medications, I have been keeping in the 120-130/70-90 range.  Not perfect, and with upward and downward blips, but those managed with more or less carvedilol... not going over the max, if never quite going without.  Why the blips though?

The heavy metals panel was finally completed.  Arsenic?  Not... extremely high, if too high.  Not from food, we cook mostly from raw.  I don't use anything that would induce poisoning.  If I have long suspected poisoning.  Whoever is breaking in?  I honestly believe it is being added to my kefir or the allulose I jad been using daily.  Not... well liked, for things I write, suggest.

Up, early, just for a bit.

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I had to get trash to the curb.  Mom pushes to get trash out, so at least I didn't have to collect it all, get it to the bin, then haul the bin out.  She can't get it, usually, up and in the bin.  But she can and does get it ready to go.  Usually in lighter batches, be cause a) that is her limit (if a good thing), and b) that is before it begins to smell (her nose is more sensitive).  Good all around.

A project is underway.  Finally, I got around to trying to corn a beef, make corned beef from a portion of brisket.  For two weeks, about a week and a half remaining, after creating a convoluted brining liquid, I am juggling the meat and juices, in a plastic bag.  The hope is for a corned beef that doesn't taste terrible.  Storebought has gone so far downhill that I don't consider them worth the fortune they now charge for them.  Slimey, terrible tasting, freezer burned, mushy.  I had given up, until I foung a recipe.  It only took me... three? five? years to finally get to making one?  Meh.

A very busy week.

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Not every day out, three of the five days?  Four of six?  A few shopping stops, turning things in to charity, business things, and a few other odds and ends.  On the days I didn't go in, I made calls.  All bills are caught up, or have been checked so as to be on automated payments... with one being sorted so as to become automated.

Ah, the final window is being installed, finally, today.

As well, I got the final checks out, to increase the heloc.  Not... sure what happens now, or after those are cashed.  Some will be returned, as there are no active accounts to pay off.  Whatever.  I have done what I can with that, those.  Now just waiting on any news back.

Up for a bit.

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Jasmine was tied out, fed, and watered.  The cats as well.  A fatted coffee was finally enjoyed, while setting up reverse osmosis and filling any empty water jugs around.  Cold.  So I dressed more warmly.

Sleep was mostly good.  But the cold creeps in.  I have mostly been able to keep that at bay.  Still, it disturbs as it tries to eat the life from me.  I forgot to take meds.  Will get to it when next I am up.

I did have toasted keto bread and jam.  Nice.  Not at all fancy,  but good enough.  A handful of walnuts as well.  I'll have kefir when next I am up.  And reset the kefir in the jars.

Not perfect, but not bad.  Back to bed, sleep, after reading and listening to music for a bit.  Good day, and night again.

Two days up and out.

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Business tended, shopping, some medical.  Five stops each day, or more.  Not all successful, but mostly and I learned what to do about the failures.  Had been meaning to have these things started Monday, done by Tuesday or Wednesday.  But brutal hurts and terrible exhaustion crippled me too severely.

Warmer, sleeping and awake, the last three days.  But as I finished, exhaustion is making it difficult to be, stay, get warm.  Not frigid, or cold, yet.  Just this side of that.  With a poor outlook, if I don't tend things rigorously.  Though, even then?

Almost there.

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The left foot still aches.  Not as severely, often, or deeply.  I have been able to keep it warmer, mostly.  Last evening wasn't great, but better than a few days to months ago.  Warm, as I slept today.  Almost too warm, toward the end.  But I'll take that well before having them slightly cold.  Frigid feet are way out.

Pulled beef tacos.  Water.  Medicine.  I checked bp first.  Being more moderate, I took half the dose of carvedilol.  Glad I checked.  It would have crashed on full dose.  Now, full current dose is half what it had been.

Stupid bp!

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I was able to wake today, again.  Up around noon.  Medicine, food, and I had hoped some work.  After eating, after medicine, I... couldn't stand?  Lighter but definite tunnel vision.  No stars, in my vision, but right next to it.

I had checked blood sugar.  It was 100 this morning.  BP?  So I checked that.  It is 89/68, with a 70 pulse.  Ugh.  That is the problem.  I tried to figure a way through.  Having just taken meds, there is no way back, until the stuff works through my system.

Mom suggested a little fresh air.  I had a business call to make anyway, so I took the advice.  It didn't help, but it didn't hurt either.  And I made the call.  Like a butterfly, pinned to corkboard.  No pain, but no ability to be mobile.

Back to bed.  I hate to do it, no choice.  Hoping to be up later, finish with curtain rod installations, and sheer rods too.  I will check my bp before taking meds again.  Usually, if it's been a few days off meds, my bp is a bit high and sticks high.  This is... odd.  Oh well.

Back on to sleep.  Later.

Slept through a few days.

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No real choice.  Just woke a few hours ago.  Fed the cats.  Am gaming a bit.  Having water.  Missed meds.  Didn't help that mom was waiting down here, like a shark, with fifteen things to do, half not even on the list.  No.  There were things I wanted to do.  She was blocking my list with her list.  I wasn't sure I could do my stuff.  Certainly not with her trying to bend my ear.  So I just rested, slept.

Blood sugar improved.  It was 84.  Fasting doesn't always help.  This time it did.  Not having coffee, though, either.  Or meds or food.  I did have water up there.  Not much, finished it.  Should get water pills in though.  I have been trying not to drink at night, but being up there a few days... fluid is good.  I'll put more up there but limit usage, and to only when I sleep over a day or two.  Hmm... might get a medicine book folled and up there, in case I don't make it down for a bit.

Coffee and medicine shortly.  Maybe sorting something to eat.  A shower would be good.  So cold!  I turned the heat up a bit, when I woke.  Letting the bathroom warm.

At things tomorrow... or today actually?  I need to hit some things.  Later.

Up for a bit.

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Trying to switch days and nights back to normal, or expected, sleep and wake cycles.  If nothing else, to get morning medicine in, all of it, then do small parts of lists of work.  Doing both, lately.  Gaming too.  Just bits, here and there.

But so tited I haven't been able to stay awake long.  Today is no different.  But I did wake for a bit, did do a few tasks, and took medicine.  Spoke with mother, advised her on a few things, was there for a tele medicine call.  Got Jasmine out, fed the cats, and a few other things.

Better over better.

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I can usually walk without more than a slight limp and mild pain.  My torso has started hurting, mildly.  Not organs, just general pains, like after doing windsprints after a summer off.  The headache which developed over a few days, a new and different symptom, seems to have passed.

I did a few minor tasks for mother today.  Waking early, but going on back to bed early.  Then getting up for supper.  Doing a few more jobs.  Plus, keeping up on water and ice, rotating and checking kefir, and making plans for a bit of work each day going forward.

Better, if still rough.

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Wasn't able to sleep as warmly as yesterday and the day before.  But I wasn't bitterly cold either.  As well, I was able to get a decent bit of sleep in, if not as much as I had hoped.  Pains returned, internal.  In the torso.  And the feet were still slightly pained.  Better, though.

I am improving, slowly, incrementally, and with occassional hiccups.  Three steps forward, with a step back here and there.  A bit frustrating, but better than the doldrums of suffering I had known oh too well for far too long.

My feet are murder!

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Did I break them, fracture them, or are they somply not getting enough blood flow, so hurting from the cold?  A mixture of a few of those things?  Walking on them is a horror.  The knuckles, of both feet, ache... that without any weight applied.  Up on them, I end trying to walk on the outer sides of my feet, for the terrible pains.  Not possible, fully, in shoes.

I have been sleeping cold, no matter what I have done.  My feet and lower legs the coldest of all.  I tried a nightcap, literal, not a consumable, tonight.  Not sure if that was a good call, or just a rare warm natural sleep.  Will try it again.

A few problems being worked.

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The checks, sent to closed accounts, were... problematic.  First, two of the five were sent to accounts which have been closed for years.  Second, all of them were dated in January.  But January 2025.  No good.

I called the title company, to zero effect.  Absolutely dogmatic.  We will only reissue the checks if you come to our office.  We will only cancel the two dead accounts if you can prove those accounts are paid in full, maybe.  Both of those accounts were paid off, and ended, years ago.  I have no proof, and no way to get it on two year dead accounts.

I called my bank.  They... helped.  Made it so if I voided and ripped the checks, took a picture, and texted that, that would work.  To the best of my knowledge that suceeded.  However, they will reissue, with the correct dates, but to the same accounts!

I was told to sinply send them to the accounts, then wait for a refund.  Fine.  So... now I just wait for the new checks.

Then I got a call from one of the construction companies.  It ISN'T on auto pay.  Wasn't.  A bit late, but not too late.  I was able to catch up, pay this month, then automate payments henceforth.  Now to check on the other construction bill.  Pay it up, if needed, and automate it too.  Ugh.

One thing at a time.  But getting there.  If I can get it all done, then I can really rest for a while.  Wasn't planning on working on these things until Monday.  But... just...  saw an opportunity and hopped on it.  Very nice.

My last pain, the left foot, did well last night.  But hurt hellalot again when I woke and got up today.  Still, the first solid non-paimful sleep in... weeks.  Painpills are helping.  But I can't, won't, dose daily.  So tomorrow and Sunday I must simply suffer.  Every third day I will dose, once.  It's how I do.

Oh.  I made cornish game hens the other day.  One for each of us.  Excellent, according to both of us.  My mother is impressed with how well I cook birds.  We each saved half our bird.  I made a chicken stew tonight.  It was excellent.  Mom made ice cream, but using a new recipe I sugested.  It didn't work.  The first recipe was flawless.  I may have a fix for it, will try later tonight or tomorrow.

If the heloc update finishes going through, I'll be able to get on the electrical updates and upgrades, and the electric and gas tankless water heaters.  As well, begin getting quotes for hvac needs and make connections for a concrete driveway, three new exterior doors and screen doors.  Oh, and getting the kitche flooring installed, and paneling in.  Ugh.  Double Ugh!

Spend, spend, spend.  But... living in a warmer, cleaner, better, safer home?  Okay.  It isn't even just for value addition, or sales potential, at this point.  It's about better quality of life.

An successful experiment.

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Fudge.  I found an "easy" recipe.  Chocolate chips, sweetened condensed milk, butter, vanilla, and salt.  Okay.  But I was almost certain that could be made in keto form.  Went looking.  Sure enough, one of my favored keto gals had both the sweetened condensed milk and fudge recipe, all together in one video.

Would it really work?  Would it really be keto?  Only one way to find out.  I had to buy chocolate chips, of the keto sort, too.  And, unsalted butter.

All done, then to it.  It took forty minutes, maybe ten to fifteen minutes more, to reduce the cream and butter, with powdered allulose, and two to four drops of liquid sucralose, to produce the sweetened condensed milk.  My dogs are still rough, so it was a painful challenge.  I need a tall chair, for cooking!  If my feet are going to be bad like this this often, for this long.  Ugh.

Still, I sweated through it.  Then added more butter and the chips.  At first, I didn't think that was going to work.  Patience, Grasshopper.  But my dogs were making patience a challenge.  Finally, after fifteen minutes, it started looking... possible.  Then vanilla, a few last stirs to swirl it all even.

In the pans, I added walnuts to most of it, and stirred those in, or pushed them down in.  Some left plain.

Poured into two 8" square glass baking dishes, with oiled parchment.  Then set to cool.  Liquid, still, after an hour?  Freezer!  It never did get to where it could be cut.  Spooned out.  After days in my very hard freezing freezer.

However, the taste was fantastic.  That is some of the best fudge I have eaten.  Was it keto, though?  I had serious doubts.  Mother quite liked it too.  We gobbled those dishes up in less than a week.  Some daily, more some days.  I refused to test my blood sugar, for fear.  Though, on the evening, after I ate my last portion... so last evening, I broke down and bit the bullet.

Blood sugar was 89!  A fluke?  Was the test strip old, too old?  It was the last in that pack.  So, this morning, with a fresh pack of test strips opened, I checked again.  It was 99.  Nice.  Thar HAS to be solid keto.  So rich, decadent, and yet didn't cause the mildest of glucose spikes.  And, it tastes like regular fudge.  Could not differentiate, and I am very discerning.

I still have the mats to make regular fudge, but I think I will toss that.  Or leave it for mom to use, in other things, just for herself.  If she really wants more fudge, I'll get more keto mats.  For me?  I am done with fudge for... another year or two, three maybe.

As to health?  Better.  Mostly needing sleep, to recover.  That broke me pretty hard.  My left foot remains in serious pain, but my right foot seems healed, mostly.  And my internals, from the illness to the biopsy, seem better.  Just... tired.  I was exhausted before I got sick and damaged.  Healing kept me from resting, even while resting.  Everything was going toward healing, not resting.  Maybe now I can begin catching up on sleep and such.  Or die.  ;p

Later.

Warmth.

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Socks, not even the thick wader/hunter socks, which go up even over my knees, was doing it.  I noticed some stick-on handwarmers, made for the feet.  Now... not all feet are created equally.  Having size 15 means it takes two patches on the bottoms, and one on the tops, to warm the stupid things.

The large wool socks help, once the patches begin warming.  Wouldn't mind a few higher up, say on the calf, and shin.  And, maybe, sometimes.  But worried about it getting too warm, and running out.  Even so, these are helping with healing.  Probably helping with circulation, which then helps with healing?  Maybe both, straight up.

Slowly improving.

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Colder out there.  Finally got to below freezing, for the high?  For a day or three.  Looks to be in the 40s this coming week.  Very strange, even for a la nina year.

My feet still hurt, and hurt the most.  But internals are still tighter than is comfortable, with recovery aches?  Or the remnants of what was wrong before the procedure.  I am wearing the robe on to bed to keep a slight fever.  Would have that, from time to time, anyway.  Without the robe, I would have chills on off times.  The maintained slight fever, I think, is helping me get better slightly faster.

Better on better.

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Far from well.  Half way back to humanity?  We'll see.  The internals are... better.  Less swollen, bloated, compressed, less blood in my urine.  Still some.  They suggested if there seemed to be too much blood, that I should go in.  The key, to me, was too much.  Well, and where.  No bleeding on my back, or bruising, infection.

As for urine, the first day there was a lot.  But I expected that.  Every time I have been hurt or else, internally, I have bled a goodly lot.  I can't say that is normal, only normal from me.  Hit by a vehicle, dropped a bit far, and some sorts of... unofficial repairs or surgery or surgery-like events.  Can't... remember all the deets.  Only that this is far from my first rodeo.  So I wasn't worried.  Expected blood in urine for longer.  At day three I would have started to worry, a bit.  Day four I would have seen about going in.  I can go pretty low on blood.  As low as 40%, initial loss, and run at 60% for... a while.  Though I was young and fully healthy, that mighg be pushing things these old ill dog days?

Better.

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For the moment, again.  As when I woke for supper, warm sleep had helped.  Though I woke a time earlier, after supper, in impressive agony.  Which surprised me.  I thought, from feeling so much better, at super, I was getting through to the better side.  Nope.  Each time I wake, it is better or worse, but in the better episodes I begins to fail quickly.  So that taking a few sips of water, tylenol if it is time, then jumping back to sleep to attempt escaping agony, seems the best.

I am surprised either the condition, or the procedure effects, continue to physically or otherwise, plague me so long.  Thankfully, I have the time and way to attempt to sleep it off.

Sleep helped.

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I was in such absolute misery.  I couldn'y get warm.  My feet hurt.  My wound hurt.  My insides felt bloated, bruised, and more.  I would call the sensation closer to absolute misery.  Worse, I couldn't escape it by sleeping.  It was simply too intense.

I got up for something.  This morning?  Time isn't, doesn't quite yet, make sense.  Just got up to get more electrolyte powder, vinegar, water, and tylenol.  Some of which to bring up.  I took four tylenol, but forgot extras.  About cried when I suffered down and up only to realize I had forgotten those.  I was terrified to make another trip any time soon.

Biopsy.

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I've never had one before.  Kidney, left this time.  I wasn't at all sure what to expect.  As well, I am still suffering from... whatever has recently been plaguing me, plus the simple mechanical pains and mobility issues caused by a fractured or broken big toe (or two, both hurt terribly).

Still, this had to get done.  Stall after delay after reset, if it killed me, I was going in.  Today.

Better.

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Probably temporary.  It seems that in early morning, for a while, my symptoms partially lift.  Still something of a stomach ache, minor feverishness, mild aches.  Just nothing crippling.  Mostly.  Still wouldn't be up for a marathon, or even heavy excercise.

Mother made supper.  Something I would easily eat.  A chuck roast in the crockpot.  But she added many vegetables.  No.  I am backing away from those.  I had to think about it.  I may have some meat, just no juices or veggies.  My week to month averages are all three below a hundred, for blood sugar.  My fasting read is 110, oddly.  With nothing but water for a day and a half.  And only one meal for the three days before that.  Meh, probably my metabolism pulling muscle for it's needs.

Still bad.

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A stomach ache, bad one, remains.  The fever too.  I am mostly mamaging the chills.  The dry mouth is difficult, but having water up here helps.  I think I need to bring up doses of electrolytes and vinegar somehow.  Those things help, slightly more than water alone.  Perhaps drinking flat, reverse osmossis water too, rather than carbonated water?

Aches, pains, exhaustion, muscle weakness and pains.  A very difficult time.  I have had worse, but this isn't close to good.

I was able to get up for a bit.  And will do so again, if just to bring Jasmine in, test hydration recipes, and let mom know I am alive.  Well, and show her how to get Jasmine in her cage.  It will be a very short run.

I am in serious trouble.  In some ways it is better, in some ways it is worse.  Later, or goodnight again most likely.

Not... out of the woods.

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Not quite yet.  I think the trees are thinning.  The parh is slightly easier.  But fever remains, muscle cramps... especially the legs, a continued stomach ache if milder, lungs are sore from the fever I think.  Little general aches too.  My joints, currently, aren't hurting though don't know if that is a short reprieve or if that part is better.

I did get up, had food and coffee, gamed, got Jasmine out, drank a lot of water, and am going back to bed.  What was hurting started to hurt more, fever and chills returned with vengeance, and my legs began giving out to cramps and exhaustion from just sitting.  Still, this is better.  Oh, and neck glands started to ache... like a sore throat, but not quite.

On to sleep.  Good night, day, whatnot.

So very sick.

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My usual if irregular illness returned.  In some ways worse, in other ways not as bad.  Usually it is a combined fever and chills, and inability to do almost anything.  This time, while that occurred, it wasn't as cripling.  However, it also came with extreme random joint pain, general aches, plus specific pains at various points on my body, for example the sensation that I had been punched in the stomach enough to leave it aching, directlg hurting.

Usually it lasts a week, more often two weeks, sometimes longer.  This time it seems to be breaking in a few days?  Will know for sure in the morning.  One thing that may have helped is that mother offered a meal.  Something I couldn't have made.  I decided to at least try to eat, and was able to ingest and retain.  One meal, itself, couldn't have done it, but a cleaner house, food, and else, may have added to it.  Living in a sty is a good way to get and stay sick.

A bit rough.

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A kink in the neck.  Difficulty sleeping.  Too many things to do.  Christmas almost upon us.  At least I am ready for Christmas this year.

I have been (trying) to sleep.  Mom isn't helping.  But I don't mind, most of the time.  If I can't wake, I just don't.  She is learning that waking a sleeping dragon, with a dire need for sleep, is not as fun as it might initially appear.

Weak day.

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I could not wake for the life of me.  I did make it down for breakfast.  Barely and just.  Then right back to bed.  Up around, after, 16:00.  A few things for mom, myself, and a few things managed just as I was doing other things.

One thing is, I ordered a year planner book.  Mom uses one, and I am impressesd with how well it works.  She ordered a new one, as hers is aging out.  I ordered myself a large and small one.  Plus I am putting things in the phone.  We'll see.  I needed to get our schedules, so as to make plans for confession.

Resting, sleeping.

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I have been hitting it hard.  The last few days to week.  Gaming when not doing one, or both somehow and the same time, of the other two things listed.  Much needed.  Between moving mom in, moving and clearing what of mine was still in the way, the prepping for improvements, while dealing with pets and mom?

It has been a brutal summer.  All good though.  Even if it ends up killing me, dying for something right has value... even should that defeat the very purpose of the death?  Amen, I say to you.  For we are already dead for our sins.  So dying for what is right, and good, is as good as it gets.

Needed rest, sleep.

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Got some yesterday.  Wanted more today.  The problem was that the leftover siding and trim was out there.  And it is likely to snow tonight.  Or there is a solid chance of it.  I am not certain this stuff, laid out, can handle weather, precip, on it.  

So... I had to figure how to tote, say, fifty thirty to forty pound panels, and some heavy trim pieces, into the garage and store it above.  As well, help mom a bit in the garage so as to, finally, again, back the Xterra in, for the first time this summer.  Can't clear the drive with the auto on it.

A very good dinner.

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The initial plan, not mine, was food at 13:00.  We ate an hour or two later.  As you know, if you know me, time is irrelevant.  Events occur when they do, because of course they do.  Make all the plans you like.  Reality perfits.  Your plans are great, until they aren't.  Which usually means as soon as your plans meet reality, physics, limits, time, and such.  Mother doesn't agree, but that is her problem.  Reallity and myself are happy to just be.

A very good meal.  I would have roasted the bird longer.  Mom decided it was time.  The thermometer agreed with her, even so I would have let it go for another half hour to more like hour.  She ate it, without fuss, but put the remnants back in the oven to finish.  Not terrible, or even raw.  But, medium rare.  I like it that way, on to medium well.  She not so much.

Happy Thanksgiving!

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We finished shopping yesterday.  We had the goose, and most ingredients.  With medical appointments in Ogden, work on the house, exhaustion, and else, getting to the store, for final ingredients, wasn't possible, until it was required.

I'll tell you, I hate shopping the day before a holiday.  Any holiday.  Anywhere.  On the good side, in a mostly white area, at least the worst I face is crowded aisles, slightly reckless folk (though apologetic, usually, in incidents), and some grumpy behavior.  The boons have learned not to ape in these areas, so far.

Almost all of it.

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One window, built to the wrong spec of what was ordered, is being rebuilt.  For now there is just a piece of wood in the space.  It is all ready, the installation should be fast.  They said to give the bath twenty four hours for calking to set, I'd like to give it another day, forty eight hours.  If longer, for me.  With the limit of a fifty gallon tank, not enough hot water to fill the thing to hot.  Maybe not even warm.

Now, rest, and sleep.  I was beginning to screech, physically, under the efforts.  Too little sleep, even rest.  Too much noise, when trying to sleep, constant waking, for questions, and a lot of work.  Before and even between contracted work.  My ears are ringing from the levels of stress and agitation.

Two, and waking up.

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I have been awake since midnight.  Reading, listening, deciding if I should get up or try to sleep a bit more.  Cold.  Not... frigid?  Mostly.  But not able to warm enough to sleep well.  And... feeling good, generally, otherwise.  So might as well get up.

I want to take a shower first thing.  They say they can replace the tub in one day.  Promises, promises.  Then clear out the bathroom... the built-in drawers, but the cabinets too, just to be sure.  As well, clear the room generally.  Other than that, no work today.

A bit.

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I was awake at five, or so.  Having gone to bed around 20:30.  Never got Jasmine for a walk, but did get her out early.  Fed the cats, made my coffee, set up coffee for mom, then gamed.

Mom woke around nine?  She slept well.  Pushy, still, today.  Some of which is fine.  Still have some things to do for the walk-in tub install tomorow.  But this morning it was mostly getting drapes and sheers up.

Dodging bullets.

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That activity seems to be a family affair.

After all the candy, fruit, and other carby food eaten from October twenty seventh to the tenth, then off and on until even yesterday, really, I decided it was time to see the damages by checking blood sugar.  A fasting draw, which, when I go bad, is the worst but most honest number.  Fasting blood sugar is brutally honest, unforgiving, uncompromising.

Closing in.

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The last of the pushes, for external causes, is nearing completion.  The windows are going in Saturday.  The new tub is going in Monday.  More needs to be done.  Some tomorrow, some Saturday, maybe a bit Sunday.

Things, more things, to be moved.  A few drawers to be emptied, in the bathroom.  As they will most likely be working behind the built-in cabinetry.  So much has already been done.  But that last mile is sometimes the hardest.

Awake for a bit.

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Water was already tended.  Though I needed to refill the reservoir.  A keto bread pudding mother recently made was crumbled, heated, then dosed with cream.  No coffee, just water tonight.  Enough left so when she woke, I set her up with the last portion.  She liked how I did it.

I took Jasmine for a bit longer of a walk.  New territory.  I can see the tracks someone is making through my back acre, into one of my outbuildings, and to another neighboring field.  A pretty regular path.  Surprised, Jasmine both tinkled and pooped.  All good, just that was the first time she has done a number two, let alone twice.  Being on the field, I don't mind, this time.  Will start taking bags to get that, from now on.  Even on my land, but definitely on other people's proprty, even on public spaces... of course.

To the doctor, finally.

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After the hospital failed to do renal checks, twice in a row, at the blood draws, and then the V.A. approved the local visits... but decided to not send the approvals causing a third failed visit, I finally got in.

Not good news.  My kidmeys are down to 10%.  From 15%, which is down from 19% earlier this year.  On the good side, my bp was low enough, right in the office, to reduce medicine.  The only other request was to reduce, for now, magnesium... as a supplement.

Awake for just a bit.

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Too cool.  Too warm.  For worry.  Or even just because I feel just right, warm enough but not too warm, not even hungry or thirsty.  I just... wake, when I wake, for good or no reason.  Tonight?  I think I was beginning to overheat.

Down I went.  I took Jasmine out for a late walk.  Gamed a bit.  Plugged the router back in, it still isn't working.

A few things.

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Received a letter, yesterday.  Something about my bank, and lapsing coverage?  No... I didn't call the number offered.  Suspicious, for many reasons.  I called my bank.

At first, the woman I was speaking with, while polite and diplomatic, thought I was wasting her time.  After a hold and review?  Not so much.  They had nothing to do with the notice.  Still, it perturbed my sleep.  Most likely my former insurer, the one that tried to triple my insurance... quadruple it?  After playing games about insuring my house, forcing repairs, and else.

Up late.

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If after a long sleep through the day.  Calls and doorbells, barking and else, kept disturbing my sleep.  I ignored, turned off the phone, and slept.  I slept as long as I could.  Well, and warmly.

Up for supper.  Though I woke at noon, for a bit.  Had to, as the worker's boss visited to get me to sign off on the job.  I did a few things for mom.  But she was trying to badger more work out of me than I could do.  Both earlier and later.

Pretty much done.

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The siding, and portion of trim to be added, painted, is done.  Just two boxes, from trim, to be installed.  Along with putting two lights in them.  For now.  In time I will install new lights.  Even the doorbell is on and working.  

Sure, I need more, new, lights, hardware for a hatch, new house numbers, a few electrical boxes too.  They reinstalled the old one, up front.  But it needs replaced.  The outlet in back is just a conduit end box, so will need to be sorted whole.

Working on things.

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With constructikn ongoing, I have been crashing more than usual.  The sounds, and having people hereabouts, causes massive stress.  And that flattens me.  Even so, I try to get to things as and when I can.

Mom is pushing, herself.  Twisted her knee this afternoon.  Badly.  Can still move, but even more slowly and with more pain.  Which makes her, sometimes, obscenely pushy.  I won't bark.  I understand fully.  Confussion from pain, the seeming control barking orders seems to offer, and forgetting you had just given the same list(s) due to pain memory loss... I get that.  But me already being stressed?  I can't take it.  So I just melt back upstairs, and rest or sleep as possible.

Still cold.

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To the bone, chilled.  No good solid way to escape it.  Not upstairs, here.  I do get warm enough downstairs, after a bit.  Warm enough, not... as warm as I would like.  That sit-in tub would be good, if they would ever get it in.  Late.

I am, again, going to try mesh base layering.  Under my warmer pajamas.  Not absolutely sure it will work.  Just... will try.  As well, back to various weights of merino wool base layers, over the mesh, under the pj's, if needed.  Will see.

A bit of work.  Two small sessions.  Just a bit of sorting, mostly hauling.  And... not in the direction I had planned.  If my intended direction, as it turned out, wasn't the right way.  I had simply mistaken priorities.

Stomach ache.

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Too much candy!  On the good side, I gave away what little remained.  Today.  But, ate half a dozen bars yesterday?  Nearly as many, or more since October 28th?  Or so.  Oh, so glad, and sad, to see them go.  Back to nearly pure carnivore.  No additives of questionable sorts.  No veggies save freeh salad greens.  With only carnivore approved dressings.  That won't help today, or even tomorrow.  But, in time, it will help.

Jasmine won't quit barking.  So... muzzled.  I wasn't sure that would keep her quiet.  Thought it was just for preventing biting.  But I was at wit's ends.  Didn't want to use the ecollar for that, at least not without more guidance.  The muzzle works.  She absolutely hates it.  For me, at this point, that is a plus, feature, not a bug.  As much as I hate disturbing her, allowing her to disturb me will kill me.  Perturbing her is a lessor evil?

Getting more sleep?

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Yes.  If, also, helping out more too?  Yes.  How?  Well, mother is pitching overtime, and having tasks she needs me to do ready when I am able.  And, lately, that has been a lot.  Heavy work.  But small if many discrete tasks.  Moving the freezer (fully loaded, a struggle but not impossible for short distances), moving boxes, taking out trash, putting larder bulk down in the basement.  Though too, setting up her tea when she has worked hard and needs and wants that little gift or help.

No, I really don't mind.  As much as she does, I am glad when I can help.  Tea or real muscle work.  I don't mind.

Heavy sleeping.

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Mother, even now, is just almost on the fringe of understanding.  I can't fully explain because not even I fully understand.  Can't sleep much, but need to rest when not able to sleep.  Hours, days, at a time.

I told her how cold I was.  Then I touched her shoulder.  She  has touched warmer corpses.  No, it doesn't make sense.  Not always cold, but sometimes cold beyond anything that should make sense.

Pushing too hard.

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I tried to help, but every time I turned around she added things to MY list.  NO!  I do have to get in for blood work.  Again, the blood work was incomplete.  Again, my appointment was canceled.  The hospital is pushing dei hiring, and we are suffering for it.

This time they will get a talking to.  Beyond, I will have them verbally confirm the testing with my clinic.  And, going forward, every time I go for a draw, the two clinics will speak one to the other, before testing starts.  And I will check the tests, as well, before I leave.

A touch worried.

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Doctor appointment coming up.  Will check then.  BP is often, say five of the last seven days, down in the 88/65, with pulses as low as 38 to 54.  Okay.  Wasn't sure if that was bad.  Went looking, as a simple exercise, not for surety (can't trust the web, on several fronts, of for specifics with particular givens).  Still, could get a gist?

Seems, from what I read and saw, that these things aren't an issue, with the caveat that there are no symptoms.  My problem?  The symptoms I was having existed before the low reads, and have improved.  If yet remain, exhaustion the worst and slowest to fade.

Things mother never believed.

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I told mother about things I did, things I ate, my utensils and cookware.  She ususally disagreed, or simply didn't believe.  Of course, carnivore eating.  Which has been slipping lately, so she is gaining again.  Still, I did show her.  Cooking with stainless cookware.  If very good quality, triple or more ply, stainless.  Using only wood or metal cooking utensils.

Still having some difficulty.  She keeps reaching for silicon utensils while hot cooking.  If she keeps doing that, I will throw those out.  Only for cold applications.  And she keeps putting hot food in plastic containers.  Again, if I catch her again, I will tell her those will be thrown and replaced with glass or ceramic if I catch her doing that one more time.  Cold food in only!  Room temp.

A few things.

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On the road, yesterday.  Banking business, tanking up, a few other things.  Meant to get blood work and pick up dairy.  Ended up taking a trip into Idaho, to... Pocatela, I think.  I thought it was closer.  No, it was a two hour, boring, drive.  Or more.

Had plans, for the trip.  But when we got there... no.  Oh.  Thought it was a real city.  Turned at the first exit, so maybe missed something?  The outskirts was populated with trailer homes.  Not... What I was expecting, at all.  Turned around and left before driving much further in.

Considerations.

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Not... claiming these vids as truths?  I will suggest there may be more than meets the eye to them.  If I simply can't fully sign off on them.  Consider it more... poetic psychology?  Transendental philosophy?  You... most likely won't appreciate.  Most who try to go into these won't make it through, consciously.  So understanding is not for most.

If The Architect's speech, in the matrix, required two (or more, many more) listens, to roughly understand, I am not sure you are capable of understanding what these suggest.

Oh my word!

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Alarms set.  Mother hollered up a time or two.  The phone went off as well?  No matter.  I was... unavailable for exterior commitments.  With feet elevated, I finally found comfort, and warmth.  Did I fail, fall, crash into that?  Or did I merely finally just find it?

I... don't care which.  What I did care about was that I was able to snuggle in, sleep, sleep well, warmly, and was able to get rest in sleep that I had started to miss.  If... I can sleep like that for a few days, or weeks, as much as possible?  I may actually recover before I hit long term, semi-perminemt, or perminent collapse.

A good sleep.

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Not as much, or as good, as is hoped.  Still, much better than generally, recently.  For half a week, sleep was excellent.  As I try a few things, sleep has flagged a bit.  Though I think the new methods will pan out.  Some already are.  Elevating feet, while sleeping, is just taking some time to incorporate.  And keeping my feet warm, while elevated, is proving... to be complicated.

Still, I think everything will turn out beneficial.  I am enjoying the practices, just need to perfect them.  Working on it.

Help?!?

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Yes!  It arrived.  I used it for three projects, and breaks on the vehicle.  I owe, now.  I will pay.  But, honestly, a bargain I don't deserve.  The breaks were bad.  Really bad.  With 90k and not having been worked, angels must have been helping.  He took pictures.  I'll see if he will text them, so I might show them.

While here, I needed help with a few things.  Things I didn't think I could solo.  Ended up soloing a few.  Some he soloed because I couldn't.  But the list was short, quick, and now done.  As well, he brought 4x4 x8s, for the porch.  Then took my vehicle for breaks.  Finished them in... an hour or two?

Able to wake, if just for a few things.

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Mostly just to put Jasmine out on her lead, and feed her.  I think I fed and watered Sassy too.  Oh, and while at it, I took morning medicine with leftover coffee, fatted, from very early this morning.

I garbled morning platitudes, if honestly.  Things like " good morning", "did you sleep well", and perhaps seeing if she needed anything.  It was obvious I would be crashing soon.  I tried to get right up.  Jasmine is housetrained.  I'd like to keep it that way.

We haven't talked yet.

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I get the feeling she is going to take the vaccine, whichever, all?  She thinks it is, they are, good.  As I said, that is end game.  If she wants that, she needs to be in with those who do so.  I simply won't allow being in constant proximity to such people.  It poisons me.

I slept a lot yesterday.  And will today as well.  There may be calls coming in, efforts I must engage, from possible break work, to the last of the heavy yardwork.  Or, being present for some of it.  Or not.  Not sure any of it will move forward.

A warm comfortable sleep.

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I would like to say I figured out how to sleep warmly.  I did not.  I have been tending that carefully.  But I have been doing so, to the best of my abilities for months.  Sleeping frigid, probably because I was pushing, or stressed, or... else.  No, I did not fix that.  But I am enjoying warm sleep.  No matter what graces gifted that.

As to comfort, though?  I have been trying this, and that.  I did sort that.  The extra playform material didn't work.  It ended up being just like what I already had.  Trying other things also didn't help.  What did help, at least last night, the first try at it... so I will see... is using the inflatable mattress topper my mother brought from the hospital.  It doesn't fit her bed.  We got her a different one.

Hmm, troubles.

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We spoke about vaccines.  Mother ageed.  Then she changed her mind.  Took the flu shot.  Over my direct objections and her promises.  Held off on the pneumonia shot.  I told her, after, that if she gets that or any other shot, she will have to go back to the nursing home.  I take it that serious.

That poison affects everyone around.  If she wants it, she should be back in with those braindead enough to take the poison, and get back on covid shots too.  Absolutely no debate, here, on this matter.  If she chooses the shots, she has to go.  Period.

A deep, long, hard, sleep.

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Warm, too!  Not hot, too warm, either.  Just... not cold, frigid, for the first time in... weeks? months?  Or so.  Stress, from business deals, efforts, upcoming chores, too much on my mind.  Pushing, pulling, dying.  Not that I am out of the woods, only that I am nearing... completions, arramgements, a slowing of the seasons and a break from such heavy demands.

Oh, but sleep was fantastic.  Needed.  Especially to be warm in it.  If, to, I figured out why I am so sore.  The plywood under my mattress does help.  But, I have been rolling so much lately due to being too cold most nights, not getting enough rest or sleep for the last month(s), and wrestling with stress for months, all have caused me to constantly alligator roll.  And, on the more solid platform, this is what hurt, caused the pains.

Awake.

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Set up mom's coffee.  Sure I already did that.  She must have run the pot.  Maybe washing the machine, hit a button.  No worries, it happens.

Brought Jasmine in.  Late, but it works.  She truly hates her cage.  Mom must have found a piece of plywood for half the base.  And while that should make being in the cage more comfortable, she just doesn't like it.  Hey, fair enough.  I actually understand.

Laughing in leisure.

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Not a luxury, or a bitter thing.  Adding, subtracting, with calculus, physics, philosophy, and more thrown.

When I see about how milfs are angry, horny, and alone.  Even mids could sort that easily.  Not even I have truly run away from women.  I just turned my back on certain of them.  Behave, be humble, lose weight, shut up, and smile.  Like, basically, what men are required to do.

Up, just for that bit.

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Jasmine is out.  Happily.  We will get a bit of a platform for her, so the cage doesn't hurt her feet.  No food or water overnight.  They indicated she was potty trained.  If today is evidence, it seems so.  She went as soon as I got her out, then after I left her.  Mom is nosy.  ;p

I fed and watered her first thing.  She was so happy to be out.  She didn't bark, or whine while indoors.  She was a very good girl.  Sassy hissed and hissed and hissed, and wouldn't get out of the way, when bringing Jasmine in.  Ugh.  Oh well.  Eventually we will... see.  I don't want Jasmine penned all of the time.  We'll see.

Finally!

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One of the biggest jobs remaining, for me.  Putting Jasmine's kennel together.  I pushed for a longer, taller, wider, stronger one.  I will admit, I went excssively large.  However, there is some solid advantage to that.  Much better too large than too small, for certain.

It took two work sessions to get it finished, tonight.  I had been tightening all fasteners tightly, initially.  Had to loosen them all, to get final fitting corrected.  But it did work.

Rather rough.

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Sore.  Ribs, back, skeletal in those places, and generally.  Tired, bodily, pretty much everywhere.  Muscle weakness, easily wearied.  Sleepy as well.  A different form of exhaustion.  Fighting for more life, waking time.  Failing.

Did get banking business done, mail sent, and cardboard in for recycling.  Had hoped to help mom, after returning.  But that isn't possible.  She wasn't happy, but didn't say much.  Hoping to be up later this afternoon.  To clear a few heavy things, then set up the cage for Jasmine.

Now, sleep.  So cold.  So tired, exhausted, sleepy, and more.  Later... or much later.

Columbus Day?

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In one sense?  SUPER!  Glad to see it back, and honestly.  What wasn't pleasing?  Everything was closed, even my bank!  (While they still push woke in every ad, gah!)  The tire shop was open.  So I set up a schedule to get in and get them renewed.

Tomorrow, I guess.  Bank business, an amazon return, and boxes to recycling.  Still, I got things set up and ready to go.  So frustrating.  Still so tired.

I'll help mom out a bit.  Then go on to bed.

Tires have about doubled in price.  And I'm not even going as top tier.  They say 50k miles.  May find out.

So tired.  Later or good night.

Warm, finally!

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I love being warm, hot even.  Coffee, in the tumbler, really is helping.  Hot food... more shortly.  Gaming, strangely, helps.  Oh!?!  Tea, in the tumbler, when I go up there.  A hot sip, from time to time, through the night.  Yeash.

It being cold, and having heated the heart in beef broth, there was juice left over.  So I fed Jasmine a bit, with the remaining, warm juice and last of the meat.  Plus gave her some body massaging, to let her know she is loved, and to help warm her a bit extra.  Good girl!  Great gal.

A literal heart sandwich.

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Beef heart.  Not as strong as beef live?  Similar of flavor, just milder.  What it lacks in raw flavor, for good or ill depending on your tastes, it makes up for in texture.  It has a more solid bite to it.  You have to overcook liver to get almost any substantative texture.  It is filling.  Though so is liver, kidneys, and else.  Something about their natures?  Higher fat content?

A fatted coffee, several waters, and maybe something more, in a bit.  I'd really like more to eat, but that, so far, is as much as I can do.

Absolutely freezing!

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I just checked the temperature up here.  It reads 69.  Okay, not hot.  But in the hottest of summer, I generally keep it at, say 73 or so.  I run the ac 24/7 to do that.  My point is that the warmest it gets is only four degrees off.

Not using ac, haven't needed it for a month, or two now.  Not even a fan, though I may use a smaller one mother brought, but no longer needs... as soon as I can create a place, space, site, for it.  I do like fresh air, a fan helps.  The big ones are too cooling.

Tired beyond belief.

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We have been half running, as able, for a week and more really.  That with her just out of the hospital.  With us eating, mostly, poorly because of our various limits.  If we have, or I have, gotten back to (mostly) right eating.

I tried an apple, from a neighbor, today.  I was hoping home grown, fresh, it might be doable.  Nope.  One small apple took blood sugar from 113 fasting to 188.  Those, the apple sauce, and apple butter mother makes from the busshel or so will be for her.

Ever thought you might be near death?

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And really didn't mind the idea?  Too exhausted, pushing every limit... financial, social, physical, medical, and else.  No, I don't actively wish to die.  I simply wouldn't mind if today was my last day, hour, moment.  That isn't, however, how it works.

Although, being on point too pontently, for too long, as fragile as I am?  Yeah.  It could just happen.  My job is to tend my life, as any life.  As a duty, but even beyond, as a joy even in the suffering.  God did buy me the time to... accept the gift of life humbly, for as long as He wills it.  Even the pain, misery, and other negatives have become gifts of their own.

Much done.

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Both mom and myself were doing better.  Getting used to the cooler weather?  Resting up while trying to push through?  Health returning?  Eating a but better again?  Can't be sure.  Not certain it will last.  Got a lot done.

The grab bar in the shower was installed.  We sized it for her.  May add another inside the shower.  Her safety is very important, and that mostly being incumbent upon keeping her on here feet.  Also finally set up her knew end table, got it plugged in and in place.  Set up four magnetic strips in the kitchen, as a knife rack (or set of them).  Got Jasmine over for a bit of socializing and training, then took her for a short walk, near mom... who also got a walk in, just not trying to control Jasmine yet.

A bit done.

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Coffee going.  Food in the oven.  Trash and recycling to the bins, then the bins to the curb.  Gaming while food, coffee, water filtrstion, and the ice machine did there things.  I would have made mom her coffee, set it up anyway.  But she had already done that.

Later than I thought.  Not sure when I really started, though thought it was nearing and just after two?  Being just after five, I suppose that is to be expected.

My breath, air, was fine through the efforts.  But while sitting, gaming, coming down?  My breath seemed to escape me again.  That's actually spooky.  Oh well.  Good night.

Brutal exhaustion.

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The goal of helping mother with the salsa went terribly.  To be fair, two days ago, we ended up on the road, in shops, and else, from ten to seventeen thirty.  Me being exhausted at the start.  Then she wanted to try to work a half bushel of roma tomatoes.

I did what I could do.  Had to call it off.  Especially with her wanting that, this, else, and help on top of it.  Not a happy night.  As well, she has been pushing on this and that even through today.

I hit a point when I couldn't breath well.  Not quite to the point of going to the hospital, but to the point where standing, helping, became questionable.  She had awaken me too many times, I couldn't get back to sleep, or help her.  I had to make sure she understood that more pressure might see me to the hospital... so there would be no help.

I eventually got down, for a bit.  Resting mostly.  Sleeping a bit.  Now awake for a bit again.  I'm planning on getting coffee, perhaps heating leftover roast, drinking water, and taking night meds.  On the good side, bp was 118/68 or so, pulse around 76.  Not sure about blood sugar.  Bleh.  But that is an excellent bp and pulse.

I'll get trash out.  See if that gives rise to breathing issues.  Was it breathing, or simply my body being unable to use oxygen?  Was short of breath, to the point of seeing stars.  Not good.  Well, and feeling as if my body was nearly suffocating.  

Oh... a few vids.  One on essays, one on learning techniques, and one on... relaxing, just a bit.  Living, a bit more in the present.  And a final one on... me, I think.  Though, who ever knows?  Still haven't figured out how to embed vids, so it is what it is.

Anyway... on to food, domestics, and maybe some gaming before I attempt to sleep again.  Brutally tired, painfully exhausted, but I can't sleep.  I'll keep doing what I can, or must, or must not.  Later or good night.