What a dark day.

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I eventually got to bed, probably shortly after that last post.  Very shortly.  The pain was coming and going before going to bed.  And after.  With intensity I just don't understand.  Quiet agony, writhing.  Mostly the old wound, but the knee, elbow for some unknown reason, even the closed and nearly closed roadrash areas.  

Everything hurt, off and on, sometimes in single servings powerful enough to buckle, cripple, me... for short bits.  Sometimes I could sleep for a while.  Sometimes all I could do is silently scream and just hold on.  What was I holding onto?  It was like trying to keep my body cohesive, together, as if squeezing, tightening, muscles and whatnot could help with the pain.

I used to grind my teeth.  I ground them far down.  But, then, learned not to do that.  I so wanted my old... habit back.  But refrained.  I've eaten a quarter of my teeth from gritting in pain.  I... want the rest of my teeth for what remains of my life.  Yes, I am... quite used to pain.  But it's... been a while?  Since they started trying to figure out the symptoms, if not the causes.  Pain has, for the most part, eased.

Why did everything hurt so profoundly today?  I can't say.  All I can say is, on a scale of one to ten, I hit exquisite a half a dozen times.  Well beyond ten.  I honestly, sometimes, wish I could cry, or even moan and groan with gusto.  No, just... silent screaming in delicious agony.

It was wonderful to wake up painfree.  Numb?  Both?  Wow, that was something.  I see my wound doctor soon enough, or I might see about getting in sooner.  I... will live.  I am almost thinking I might be having a reaction to that wound outside area cleaning material?  Or I have an infection, mostly just in that area.  It's really sore, there, again.

The wound looks good, fresh, clean.  Pretty, as far as healing wounds go.  Better than ever, this and the last time.  So, if there is an infection, it isn't in the wound itself.  Just the surround.  And, not really whole body, or yet, just the surrounding area.  We'll let the doc look.  But the wound does look to be healing, knitting back together, growing with fill material.  

Maybe just the speed of healing is causing the pain?  I mean, if my eyes aren't lying to me, that wound, a silver dollar, raw, half inch deep, to the meat, wound, is now more like a quart to an eighth inch deep, just as fresh and raw, and maybe shrinking to, say two thirds what it was, since the last time I was in his office.  And this, from having almost no healing for the year of it's open nature.

So, that's... a lot of fresh meat being made, all of it on top of old, less than fresh, meat.  The last two times I have pulled the bandaging, it looked like he had freshly debrided, including oozing fresh blood.  Hmm... hamburger!  :p  So, yes, that might be part of it.  I can hope.  But why is everything else also, of a sudden, acting up?

The agony of this day was special.  Leaking, at times, right through my bodies most potent painkillers.  The only reason, I suspect, that I didn't start having heart issues is because I am back, and well back, on my medicines.  And taking a little extra to cover for the pain issues.

Oh, which reminds me.  I want to review my medication, and consider other medicines, possibly, which work better with diabetes solutions rather than hinderances.  Some medicines work better with that, but are they as efficacious?  Sometimes you just... have to... take some risks.  But, if there is another way?  A better way?  Everyone is seeking the Northwest Passage.  And, while it can be  there, often it is an illusion, or a once in a decade, or century, thing... that works just exactly once?  There are silver bullets, but... silver bullets aren't what they seem.  And... how many times do you wish to be shot to find one, or the right one?  Ugh.  Questions, not always all that many answers.

Pain... does... awaken something, some part of me.  Though it's a part I would rather remain... asleep.

So hungry, and cold, and... angry.  Later.