.
.
I made it to Church. Just barely. But that is good enough while I am struggling. At this point, now that I am becoming known and familiarizing myself with the Church, if I am just a little late I will go on in. Just a few to ten minutes, mind you. I had supper out tonight, as promised. Just a drive through. I seem to be near broke again. I can't be sure why so, when I can get my head on straight and get my local bank access to the internet corrected, I need to look over some things. It seems I need to check my records too.
When I applied for a bit more money on my balance for the washing machine I was rejected. I received a letter indicating that I am owing money somewhere, to the point of being put on legal notice. The problem is, in spite of my difficulty with money, there is nothing that is terribly overdue. Actually, I think I have been overpaying some number of my utilities to the point of being broke. I had fallen behind on cable, due in part to the high cost from them not bundling me as they said would happen and having that on auto pay at a lower level (and somehow having them discontinue my auto pay one month leading to a very high bill at one time). I will look into it. Either that or there is something bad happening that I need to get a handle on, something bogus.
After letting my dinner settle, dishes and laundry are on my list for tonight. It should be easier without television. That dumb thing soaked up way too much of my time and thought. If you read at all, then watch television, you will see just how empty television is. Of course, that might be the good part of television, it soaks up useless time. The bad thing is it can become addictive. I haven't yet broken the addiction. That will require figuring out what to use to fill that otherwise dead time. Now there is prayer, which requires some input but not a great deal of physical effort. There are even written prayers one could memorize. Though there are times where even that would be a bit much. When I fall, sometimes I fall very hard. I am hoping, after a little bit of adjustment, I will find other things to fill those empty times. Something engaging enough to keep me awake, but small enough that it doesn't drain my drained batteries even more.
The missionaries asked what I did with all my free time. The honest truth is I have far less free time than one would suppose. If I can fill my day with three hours of work I am doing extremely well. Even those must be broken up into blocks. An hour or two for dishes and laundry, needing breaks between various loads and changing of dish water as needed, a few minutes or hours of cleaning this room or that, going to Mass is somewhat passive but does take time. Little bits, here and there, pretty much use me up. The rest of the time I am... resting. If I try to push it I still pay. While I try and do more, to break out, to extend, the truth is that is pretty much all I can do. Just keeping up with the house and making Mass several times a week is, well, that's it. I don't have free time. Or, cleaning IS my free time. Never mind.
Oh, I lied to the missionaries about something. I had used Father as the reason. Never mind, just that I spoke with Father tonight about it. He just suggested that I had best come clean regarding the issue. Oh, like I didn't see that coming either. *grins* *laughs* It is, in some ways, no different than using your parents as a reason to not go out for sports and then having your coach suggest he will speak with your parents about the issue. And, well, your parents knew nothing about the whole thing. Buck up! I was trying to be 'diplomatic' in a refusal for a request. So be it, I'll let them know the next time I see them. Never mind I will do it myself.
Well, a bit of digesting and then on to work. Good night.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Embarrassing.
.
.
Oh, I know. You have to be old or have health problems, right? After I got home, and was changing, I realized I smelled a little 'rough'. I had showered before taking my friend shopping, and that was just a few hours before dinner. Now, I did sit for some time after dinner before going to bed, so perhaps the odor developed after dinner. And I was wearing some of those funky new under wear, those techy material ones (which seem to foster odor much more quickly than cotton). But I was mortified. You know that smell as you pass an old person who doesn't or can't do peri-care, parineal care, well? Yeah. Fresh pants too, I check my clothes often for this reason. While I shower often, and more often for this reason, it can happen quickly, seemingly without provocation such as gas or a bm. I think, because I have blood pressure that is so high that medical people have said they have never seen blood pressure that high with someone who isn't having a stroke or heart attack and even on meds it's rather high, that some parts of my body have worn. I still laugh when they see it that high, look into my eyes, then listen to my passive (if sometimes quick) heartbeat to make sure I am not just... seemingly well. Nope, not a dead fish, they might as well sigh out.
So, I called the man who invited me to dinner. I begged apology and suggested I had showered just a few hours beforehand and thought I was good still. I don't know if I smelled bad at dinner. It is a terrifying thing. But to be sure they didn't think I was being careless or thoughtless, I had to... well... clear the air. I know if I invited someone to a meal and they... smelled funky... I might be of the mind that either they are very ill, infirm, or... corrupt. While I am ill, sometimes to infirmity, and I have let people know, I don't look it. And a foul smell and high blood pressure and heart problems might not seem to go together. (I am just theorizing with 'worn parts', mind you, but it is the only thing I can imagine.) Even my doctors take a double take when first meeting me, after only having read my charts. I've even had them, personally, check to make sure I was who the records indicate I am. I don't look sick. And in this world, seeing is believing, over and above expressed knowledge. Anyway, I was afraid to make the call but felt compelled. I explained the blood pressure and the theory about 'worn out parts' as well. It is done. He said he didn't notice anything, but... well, he is a guy. Perhaps his wife did. I am sure they will discuss it. If she noticed something, perhaps this will put her mind to ease. Women notice everything, especially mothers. :p
A quick shower then off to Mass. Life can be so harsh. It is said God gives to those who do, and not only doesn't give but takes even what little those who won't have should they fail to capitalize on their talents (of whatever nature that talent takes, time, special abilities, treasure... part of my reasoning for why God is for capitalism (in a certain form)). Perhaps since I have not managed what I have, even more is taken? Or perhaps this is just the nature of illness, a gift of choice and knowledge. I guess I have to go with the latter, because God knows I have done all I can with what I had to go on from poor medical advice, diagnostics, and treatment I have received. Bah. On to a shower and Mass. I have promised myself dinner out, on the cheap albeit, for making Mass tonight and tomorrow morning. Treats work with every pet and lady friend I have ever had. Doesn't have to be huge, my ladies have loved going for a sundae or a drive or to a *gag* chick flick. Gag, indeed, but sometimes the gag is worth her efforts on a project, to encourage certain behaviors, or to let her know she is still the hottest woman on my planet. Why not use my own carrot and stick schtick on myself? Hey, people just want to please and serve, if at different levels, the level at which we can offer what we have. That is what I like to do, if I would prefer to work at my highest levels which isn't possible so getting to Mass is it. Why not use that system on myself?
Good day.
.
Oh, I know. You have to be old or have health problems, right? After I got home, and was changing, I realized I smelled a little 'rough'. I had showered before taking my friend shopping, and that was just a few hours before dinner. Now, I did sit for some time after dinner before going to bed, so perhaps the odor developed after dinner. And I was wearing some of those funky new under wear, those techy material ones (which seem to foster odor much more quickly than cotton). But I was mortified. You know that smell as you pass an old person who doesn't or can't do peri-care, parineal care, well? Yeah. Fresh pants too, I check my clothes often for this reason. While I shower often, and more often for this reason, it can happen quickly, seemingly without provocation such as gas or a bm. I think, because I have blood pressure that is so high that medical people have said they have never seen blood pressure that high with someone who isn't having a stroke or heart attack and even on meds it's rather high, that some parts of my body have worn. I still laugh when they see it that high, look into my eyes, then listen to my passive (if sometimes quick) heartbeat to make sure I am not just... seemingly well. Nope, not a dead fish, they might as well sigh out.
So, I called the man who invited me to dinner. I begged apology and suggested I had showered just a few hours beforehand and thought I was good still. I don't know if I smelled bad at dinner. It is a terrifying thing. But to be sure they didn't think I was being careless or thoughtless, I had to... well... clear the air. I know if I invited someone to a meal and they... smelled funky... I might be of the mind that either they are very ill, infirm, or... corrupt. While I am ill, sometimes to infirmity, and I have let people know, I don't look it. And a foul smell and high blood pressure and heart problems might not seem to go together. (I am just theorizing with 'worn parts', mind you, but it is the only thing I can imagine.) Even my doctors take a double take when first meeting me, after only having read my charts. I've even had them, personally, check to make sure I was who the records indicate I am. I don't look sick. And in this world, seeing is believing, over and above expressed knowledge. Anyway, I was afraid to make the call but felt compelled. I explained the blood pressure and the theory about 'worn out parts' as well. It is done. He said he didn't notice anything, but... well, he is a guy. Perhaps his wife did. I am sure they will discuss it. If she noticed something, perhaps this will put her mind to ease. Women notice everything, especially mothers. :p
A quick shower then off to Mass. Life can be so harsh. It is said God gives to those who do, and not only doesn't give but takes even what little those who won't have should they fail to capitalize on their talents (of whatever nature that talent takes, time, special abilities, treasure... part of my reasoning for why God is for capitalism (in a certain form)). Perhaps since I have not managed what I have, even more is taken? Or perhaps this is just the nature of illness, a gift of choice and knowledge. I guess I have to go with the latter, because God knows I have done all I can with what I had to go on from poor medical advice, diagnostics, and treatment I have received. Bah. On to a shower and Mass. I have promised myself dinner out, on the cheap albeit, for making Mass tonight and tomorrow morning. Treats work with every pet and lady friend I have ever had. Doesn't have to be huge, my ladies have loved going for a sundae or a drive or to a *gag* chick flick. Gag, indeed, but sometimes the gag is worth her efforts on a project, to encourage certain behaviors, or to let her know she is still the hottest woman on my planet. Why not use my own carrot and stick schtick on myself? Hey, people just want to please and serve, if at different levels, the level at which we can offer what we have. That is what I like to do, if I would prefer to work at my highest levels which isn't possible so getting to Mass is it. Why not use that system on myself?
Good day.
Favorite Christmas present?
.
.
What was it? No, and don't tell me "the beautiful family I have", or "to enjoy family and friends". I mean a real present. And remember, while religiously I adhere to Christmas formally, for gifts I am rather loose as I believe Christmas is every day. What was that one gift that meant something special to you?
Me? I thought you would never ask! *pokes fun at self* Why, that would be the antique dresser I have in my bedroom. It was the first real piece of furniture I have ever owned, that was a gift, personal, and of some value. It gave me the hope of being or finding "home". It was the first thing real, lasting, personal, and home-ish. It was probably the beginning of... settling down. It was that one strike of lighting in an otherwise dark night of life. The only other thing I remember was my first bicycle. It was the first thing that was truly mine, of some value to me, and well beyond my ability at the time to buy. I don't remember most other gifts. So much for commercialism. Though, of course, I remember sharing Christmas with people. But as I said, that is another matter.
Aunty put me on this train of thought with her question.
My mother called, early, around 7:00(ish). While I was able to talk to her, which is what she needed, I wasn't quite up to knowing the time or getting up afterward. The call did get me out of bed far earlier than of late, with the help of some cats I know who saw their opportunity for an earlier than usual meal. *meow?* Up by 8:30, give or take.
My mother is preparing, today, for the funeral of a dear friend. She has been helping the son of that friend greatly in the time leading up to the death of her friend, filling in as surrogate mother and adviser. I think, as my mother ages, and sees death all around her, that she knows her time is nearer. Perhaps that all of our times are coming. In this case, she knows it is not just her death but the bereavement of those left behind where the pain of passing will be known most strongly. Helping a mother and her son to the door, through it, and soon to go beyond it, brings it home to her like nothing else could. More so in a family with as many problems as ours has known. She just needed to know that she was loved, to remember she is forgiven, to hear a voice she remembered, to connect with the living and life. While, for my sake, I hope I beat her to the grave I can't quite wish that on her. Strange how death can bring families together.
Bring you up then smash you to the depths then try to mellow it into a level midlevel flight? All in a days work if that wasn't quite what I set out to do. It just happens. Have a great day.
.
What was it? No, and don't tell me "the beautiful family I have", or "to enjoy family and friends". I mean a real present. And remember, while religiously I adhere to Christmas formally, for gifts I am rather loose as I believe Christmas is every day. What was that one gift that meant something special to you?
Me? I thought you would never ask! *pokes fun at self* Why, that would be the antique dresser I have in my bedroom. It was the first real piece of furniture I have ever owned, that was a gift, personal, and of some value. It gave me the hope of being or finding "home". It was the first thing real, lasting, personal, and home-ish. It was probably the beginning of... settling down. It was that one strike of lighting in an otherwise dark night of life. The only other thing I remember was my first bicycle. It was the first thing that was truly mine, of some value to me, and well beyond my ability at the time to buy. I don't remember most other gifts. So much for commercialism. Though, of course, I remember sharing Christmas with people. But as I said, that is another matter.
Aunty put me on this train of thought with her question.
My mother called, early, around 7:00(ish). While I was able to talk to her, which is what she needed, I wasn't quite up to knowing the time or getting up afterward. The call did get me out of bed far earlier than of late, with the help of some cats I know who saw their opportunity for an earlier than usual meal. *meow?* Up by 8:30, give or take.
My mother is preparing, today, for the funeral of a dear friend. She has been helping the son of that friend greatly in the time leading up to the death of her friend, filling in as surrogate mother and adviser. I think, as my mother ages, and sees death all around her, that she knows her time is nearer. Perhaps that all of our times are coming. In this case, she knows it is not just her death but the bereavement of those left behind where the pain of passing will be known most strongly. Helping a mother and her son to the door, through it, and soon to go beyond it, brings it home to her like nothing else could. More so in a family with as many problems as ours has known. She just needed to know that she was loved, to remember she is forgiven, to hear a voice she remembered, to connect with the living and life. While, for my sake, I hope I beat her to the grave I can't quite wish that on her. Strange how death can bring families together.
Bring you up then smash you to the depths then try to mellow it into a level midlevel flight? All in a days work if that wasn't quite what I set out to do. It just happens. Have a great day.
While not quite perfect...
.
.
My day was good. I did fail to make it to Mass. It irritates me greatly. Some days I simply cannot move fast enough. I lose time, or it slips my grasp, when I am really tired. I fight this as strongly as I am able. Unless my heart improves, and probably by a good deal, this is just something I have to understand (not surrender to, just know will happen regardless). I could drive myself insane with it if I don't know and let go when it has happened. I did take my friend shopping. We got all he needed at Walmart. I felt bad about rushing but I was even a bit late getting there for that. Then I made it to dinner. It was a fun affair, with a few games, good food, and pleasant company.
In spite of my dark dreams, spooky past, and such, I wouldn't have moved here if I thought I was actually a bad man. I am merely a historied man, with some dark riffs flowing under the skin. A reformed man, as well. No, if I thought I was evil, still evil as some might consider it, or simply a bad apple, I would keep to the cities. That is where monsters can live unnoticed. While some might say people who live in the sticks, or hicks, or colloquials have their problems, and they do, they are, to my mind, a finer type of people to have as neighbors, friends. These towns are filled with do-it-yourselfers, often by need as much as interest. I would guess, in this small town, more people know how to do more things than in ten packed city blocks in most areas of most cities. They have the tools, the knowledge, and the grit to get it done. At least enough to last until a proper repair can be had, if that is truly needed. No, I like it here. I wouldn't have come here should I have thought I would leave a darkness, or create one. Hmm, reminds me, I need to relax more when driving.
I am hoping to get some work done tomorrow, then Mass in the afternoon. I 'think' I can do it. I am still hoping to make Mass this coming Sunday morning, too. Sundays, or more mornings, are really tough for me. Even at the best of my recent past mornings... just... I can get stuck there. Never mind, that is my intent and will remain my effort until I conquer it. I know I will never do well, I can't be regular, not for long. But if I can make it every other week, or even once a month... I will just keep on that.
Good night. May you rest without bother from dreams, the past, food you ate this day, or a snoring or fussy spouse. If not, there is always tomorrow. Blessings.
.
My day was good. I did fail to make it to Mass. It irritates me greatly. Some days I simply cannot move fast enough. I lose time, or it slips my grasp, when I am really tired. I fight this as strongly as I am able. Unless my heart improves, and probably by a good deal, this is just something I have to understand (not surrender to, just know will happen regardless). I could drive myself insane with it if I don't know and let go when it has happened. I did take my friend shopping. We got all he needed at Walmart. I felt bad about rushing but I was even a bit late getting there for that. Then I made it to dinner. It was a fun affair, with a few games, good food, and pleasant company.
In spite of my dark dreams, spooky past, and such, I wouldn't have moved here if I thought I was actually a bad man. I am merely a historied man, with some dark riffs flowing under the skin. A reformed man, as well. No, if I thought I was evil, still evil as some might consider it, or simply a bad apple, I would keep to the cities. That is where monsters can live unnoticed. While some might say people who live in the sticks, or hicks, or colloquials have their problems, and they do, they are, to my mind, a finer type of people to have as neighbors, friends. These towns are filled with do-it-yourselfers, often by need as much as interest. I would guess, in this small town, more people know how to do more things than in ten packed city blocks in most areas of most cities. They have the tools, the knowledge, and the grit to get it done. At least enough to last until a proper repair can be had, if that is truly needed. No, I like it here. I wouldn't have come here should I have thought I would leave a darkness, or create one. Hmm, reminds me, I need to relax more when driving.
I am hoping to get some work done tomorrow, then Mass in the afternoon. I 'think' I can do it. I am still hoping to make Mass this coming Sunday morning, too. Sundays, or more mornings, are really tough for me. Even at the best of my recent past mornings... just... I can get stuck there. Never mind, that is my intent and will remain my effort until I conquer it. I know I will never do well, I can't be regular, not for long. But if I can make it every other week, or even once a month... I will just keep on that.
Good night. May you rest without bother from dreams, the past, food you ate this day, or a snoring or fussy spouse. If not, there is always tomorrow. Blessings.
Friday, December 9, 2011
Ah, a night without dreams.
.
.
Or, none I remembered. And my bed doesn't look like it has had a bull fight on it. Oh, I didn't mind. Those dreams make my blood run faster. They give me hope that if I die of a heart attach eventually, it will be while sleeping AND fighting. All good.
Waking was a little rough, but I did it without having to reset my alarm. I did let it ring on for some time, unable to quite just rise and smile. But that has been the norm for a short while now, and worse. I usually have to reset the alarm as often, even after ignoring the alarm for a good hour or more, I can't quite wake when I finally get up to clobber the alarm. Sleep was hard but sound last night. I didn't roll much at all which can make for a slightly cranky morning. That isn't too bad today.
Back to my routine. It might be all I get done this morning. I do, however, have three things on my itinerary for the day. Mass, then taking my friend shopping as per request, and then a dinner this evening (for which I need to remember to purchase a desert). I would have made one but I simply was not up to it. If I can restart my routine, which has been slightly broken for about five days, I will be happy.
Get right on it, folks. It is about that time. Good day.
.
Or, none I remembered. And my bed doesn't look like it has had a bull fight on it. Oh, I didn't mind. Those dreams make my blood run faster. They give me hope that if I die of a heart attach eventually, it will be while sleeping AND fighting. All good.
Waking was a little rough, but I did it without having to reset my alarm. I did let it ring on for some time, unable to quite just rise and smile. But that has been the norm for a short while now, and worse. I usually have to reset the alarm as often, even after ignoring the alarm for a good hour or more, I can't quite wake when I finally get up to clobber the alarm. Sleep was hard but sound last night. I didn't roll much at all which can make for a slightly cranky morning. That isn't too bad today.
Back to my routine. It might be all I get done this morning. I do, however, have three things on my itinerary for the day. Mass, then taking my friend shopping as per request, and then a dinner this evening (for which I need to remember to purchase a desert). I would have made one but I simply was not up to it. If I can restart my routine, which has been slightly broken for about five days, I will be happy.
Get right on it, folks. It is about that time. Good day.
Dreams are intensifying.
.
.
I can't remember much of my past. Bits and pieces, things here and there. Perhaps it is common, more common than I know. Here is some music that puts it into words powerfully enough that all can understand. But there is much darkness back then. I used to look for my destruction. Through thought and action, from what I had seen, I simply wanted to not be anymore. All around me seemed to figure out how to escape, doing the same things. It simply wasn't to be for me. So here I remain. At least God's call finally came through.
My dreams of war can be seen in the following. They are based on some aspect of fact. It wasn't always my opponents who cried. In my freshman year, after knocking down a junior and about to face one of his friends, I broke down because I was tired of hurting people. I explained to my coach that I didn't cry for fear being beaten, I was soul tired of crushing those who faced me. But have no doubt, I have made opponents cry uncontrollably. I can take a man apart like a car at a chop shop. They should have known as I always tried to get the fight to happen where there was just them and me.
My hunger for battle is seen here. Addicted as I am, I have, mostly, freed myself. It would take a steady decisive strongly intended warrior to bring me to battle. Be of great care what you call forth, make sure what you think you want is really what you need. If I have escaped it, I still lust for it. Funny though, for years, and even now, I sometimes deny my hunger, thirst, craving. Yeah, it is me who is so far away.
This was almost exactly the dream I just wrote about recently. Where I was fighting and couldn't seem to find a way out. At least in feel.
This is what happens should someone figure out how to break my bonds and neglect to slay me.
I just... felt the need to share my dreams. Oh, and I have never seen these videos before. I seem to... just find what fits at times. To share in a way you can see. This isn't the worst of my dreams, just... normal fight fair. Enjoy!
.
I can't remember much of my past. Bits and pieces, things here and there. Perhaps it is common, more common than I know. Here is some music that puts it into words powerfully enough that all can understand. But there is much darkness back then. I used to look for my destruction. Through thought and action, from what I had seen, I simply wanted to not be anymore. All around me seemed to figure out how to escape, doing the same things. It simply wasn't to be for me. So here I remain. At least God's call finally came through.
My dreams of war can be seen in the following. They are based on some aspect of fact. It wasn't always my opponents who cried. In my freshman year, after knocking down a junior and about to face one of his friends, I broke down because I was tired of hurting people. I explained to my coach that I didn't cry for fear being beaten, I was soul tired of crushing those who faced me. But have no doubt, I have made opponents cry uncontrollably. I can take a man apart like a car at a chop shop. They should have known as I always tried to get the fight to happen where there was just them and me.
My hunger for battle is seen here. Addicted as I am, I have, mostly, freed myself. It would take a steady decisive strongly intended warrior to bring me to battle. Be of great care what you call forth, make sure what you think you want is really what you need. If I have escaped it, I still lust for it. Funny though, for years, and even now, I sometimes deny my hunger, thirst, craving. Yeah, it is me who is so far away.
This was almost exactly the dream I just wrote about recently. Where I was fighting and couldn't seem to find a way out. At least in feel.
This is what happens should someone figure out how to break my bonds and neglect to slay me.
I just... felt the need to share my dreams. Oh, and I have never seen these videos before. I seem to... just find what fits at times. To share in a way you can see. This isn't the worst of my dreams, just... normal fight fair. Enjoy!
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Holy Schmola, a project to be sure.
.
.
I will have to look more, find out if this project is offered easily, cheaply, maybe even free. The design that is. Components? I would guess minimally $500, a lot of time, and outsourcing of a few things (welding, at this point). Worth it? Oh yes. Of course, not a thing for a prepper. It requires electricity. Given that it works on, mostly, low voltage (with the potential to volt up for a few components), it still might be functional should the prepper have set up a alternative electrical home-brew grid. *grins* What am I talking about? Ah, here you go.
Not only functional and good, and good for you, a project to make any engineering type just a bit more happy to have been gifted with that sort of mind. Sure, I might not have thought of it, living on a somewhat limited budget and with a minimal heart function, that is my lot. However, barring money concerns and energy levels, it is something I might eventually have hit upon. And who knows, perhaps I could make tiny improvements. To some degree, and often, that is what an engineer does. He takes good ideas and makes them faster, bigger, stronger, safer, smaller, whatever is needed or wanted. Science may jump in leaps and bounds, but it often fails for that reason. Engineering often just plods along. Well, until it does what science says can't be done or isn't "worth the effort" (such as with the light bulb, or even electricity to be honest). Engineers do, scientists think... often wrongly. Blah. So I am prejudiced, sue me. You will, by the way, lose that lawsuit. :p
Good night.
.
I will have to look more, find out if this project is offered easily, cheaply, maybe even free. The design that is. Components? I would guess minimally $500, a lot of time, and outsourcing of a few things (welding, at this point). Worth it? Oh yes. Of course, not a thing for a prepper. It requires electricity. Given that it works on, mostly, low voltage (with the potential to volt up for a few components), it still might be functional should the prepper have set up a alternative electrical home-brew grid. *grins* What am I talking about? Ah, here you go.
Not only functional and good, and good for you, a project to make any engineering type just a bit more happy to have been gifted with that sort of mind. Sure, I might not have thought of it, living on a somewhat limited budget and with a minimal heart function, that is my lot. However, barring money concerns and energy levels, it is something I might eventually have hit upon. And who knows, perhaps I could make tiny improvements. To some degree, and often, that is what an engineer does. He takes good ideas and makes them faster, bigger, stronger, safer, smaller, whatever is needed or wanted. Science may jump in leaps and bounds, but it often fails for that reason. Engineering often just plods along. Well, until it does what science says can't be done or isn't "worth the effort" (such as with the light bulb, or even electricity to be honest). Engineers do, scientists think... often wrongly. Blah. So I am prejudiced, sue me. You will, by the way, lose that lawsuit. :p
Good night.
Tomorrow?
.
.
My goal is to restart my scheduling tomorrow. I have been skipping much. Work, play, parts of my routine. Tomorrow is a busy day, as is. I have Mass slated, then taking my friend to buy tobacco, and then I have been invited to Christmas dinner here in town. While they haven't asked me to bring anything, I do believe I will find a desert in town to take in. Just the smallest amount as thanks seems appropriate.
Just one nap today. And, really, I don't mind a nap. They, at least usually and on medication, don't seem to mess my schedule up like they used to. I doubt if I will have time for a nap tomorrow. If so, though, and I have time, I might just take one. I simply can't believe how well I am doing with a heart at the end of the line. Even my bad days are relatively good, on what of the medication I can take. Speaking with the missionaries I asked what might be possible with 100% of function? Then again, age is creeping in there now. It is difficult to know.
Sassy is becoming huge. I have cut her food and she seems to still get bigger. I can't figure it out. I need to figure out how to cut some of her weight. At pretty much the same size as Sam otherwise, she is 50% or more heavier. I've started calling her Buffalo Girl. She really shouldn't make that much noise when she runs! Cat type thunder thighs, my word! It may be because she was fixed at such a young age. Or some cats, like some of us people, just don't handle food well. Or I... gave in to her too often as a kitten, feeding her too often. Sam and her are tearing around in the other room. I can only hear Sassy. Ugh!
Good night.
.
My goal is to restart my scheduling tomorrow. I have been skipping much. Work, play, parts of my routine. Tomorrow is a busy day, as is. I have Mass slated, then taking my friend to buy tobacco, and then I have been invited to Christmas dinner here in town. While they haven't asked me to bring anything, I do believe I will find a desert in town to take in. Just the smallest amount as thanks seems appropriate.
Just one nap today. And, really, I don't mind a nap. They, at least usually and on medication, don't seem to mess my schedule up like they used to. I doubt if I will have time for a nap tomorrow. If so, though, and I have time, I might just take one. I simply can't believe how well I am doing with a heart at the end of the line. Even my bad days are relatively good, on what of the medication I can take. Speaking with the missionaries I asked what might be possible with 100% of function? Then again, age is creeping in there now. It is difficult to know.
Sassy is becoming huge. I have cut her food and she seems to still get bigger. I can't figure it out. I need to figure out how to cut some of her weight. At pretty much the same size as Sam otherwise, she is 50% or more heavier. I've started calling her Buffalo Girl. She really shouldn't make that much noise when she runs! Cat type thunder thighs, my word! It may be because she was fixed at such a young age. Or some cats, like some of us people, just don't handle food well. Or I... gave in to her too often as a kitten, feeding her too often. Sam and her are tearing around in the other room. I can only hear Sassy. Ugh!
Good night.
Fight time!
.
.
Dreams have been on-tap recently. As I sleep through exhaustion dreams seem to just flow. One of them was neat, it was like a complete graphic novel. I could have, if I had the skill, written it out and drawn it. But the memory is fading. This last dream was one of the tougher ones I have remembered in some time. I was fighting... some number of men. Thankfully they were just normal men, normal men can't put out much damage if they can get lucky. I remembered, from it, that when fighting something happens. It allows me to tense up everywhere and handle most blows without too much effort. If stamina fails, I could get seriously hurt. In the dream those I was fighting were coming nowhere near breaking down my cohesion. The problem was I was not seeing an end to the fight, as if I was fighting an army of men. As I destroyed my opponents, other simply jumped in to replace those I had crushed.
I do remember fights, sort of. Like any combat, memory becomes screwy. Everything becomes time lapse, focus becomes intense, and logic becomes simplified, down to addressing who is the greatest threat and what seems to diminish the threat. I probably have a bit more going on than most fighters, even well trained fighters. Most men who have fought many fights have done so with rules, a ref, tradition, and time limits. Most of my fighting was without any of that and with some risk of "adds". I would say a quarter or more of my fights have involved those "adds", other people joining against me. I learned how to fight, how to retreat, how to win, how to survive. I had to. I hated it. I was seriously good at it. It isn't about strength, though that can help. Speed isn't it either. As I have said before, if there are things that help it is pure will and experience. The only true way to guarantee you won't lose a fight, though, is to not fight. There is no one, for the right reasons, I won't fight. Unlike Vox, I do have fear. There are too many ways to lose, even winning can land you in serious trouble. And I am lethal, beyond lethal, now. Even in my weakened condition, it all comes back in a flash.
Dreams really can bring things back. It amazes me sometimes. My fighting dreams, my brother's dream about the babysitter taking me into a room and locking the door, other dreams. Even good dreams, when I was a child, liking a girl, not fully knowing why. Or dreaming having taken a test and asked about the answers I got wrong, remembering most of the right answers and so getting a better grade (civics as freshman). I still remember the dream of "suitcase" nukes being planted in several major cities. I actually believe they are in place, waiting word to deliver the radioactive components. I can't tell you that is true, I can tell you I believe it. They look like soda machines, bigger ones, or food vending machines. I saw them without their casements, so can't tell what they will finally look like, or where they will be planted. They were in warehouses full of other similar appearing non-nuke devices, huge warehouses.
Well, on to my day. Good day.
.
Dreams have been on-tap recently. As I sleep through exhaustion dreams seem to just flow. One of them was neat, it was like a complete graphic novel. I could have, if I had the skill, written it out and drawn it. But the memory is fading. This last dream was one of the tougher ones I have remembered in some time. I was fighting... some number of men. Thankfully they were just normal men, normal men can't put out much damage if they can get lucky. I remembered, from it, that when fighting something happens. It allows me to tense up everywhere and handle most blows without too much effort. If stamina fails, I could get seriously hurt. In the dream those I was fighting were coming nowhere near breaking down my cohesion. The problem was I was not seeing an end to the fight, as if I was fighting an army of men. As I destroyed my opponents, other simply jumped in to replace those I had crushed.
I do remember fights, sort of. Like any combat, memory becomes screwy. Everything becomes time lapse, focus becomes intense, and logic becomes simplified, down to addressing who is the greatest threat and what seems to diminish the threat. I probably have a bit more going on than most fighters, even well trained fighters. Most men who have fought many fights have done so with rules, a ref, tradition, and time limits. Most of my fighting was without any of that and with some risk of "adds". I would say a quarter or more of my fights have involved those "adds", other people joining against me. I learned how to fight, how to retreat, how to win, how to survive. I had to. I hated it. I was seriously good at it. It isn't about strength, though that can help. Speed isn't it either. As I have said before, if there are things that help it is pure will and experience. The only true way to guarantee you won't lose a fight, though, is to not fight. There is no one, for the right reasons, I won't fight. Unlike Vox, I do have fear. There are too many ways to lose, even winning can land you in serious trouble. And I am lethal, beyond lethal, now. Even in my weakened condition, it all comes back in a flash.
Dreams really can bring things back. It amazes me sometimes. My fighting dreams, my brother's dream about the babysitter taking me into a room and locking the door, other dreams. Even good dreams, when I was a child, liking a girl, not fully knowing why. Or dreaming having taken a test and asked about the answers I got wrong, remembering most of the right answers and so getting a better grade (civics as freshman). I still remember the dream of "suitcase" nukes being planted in several major cities. I actually believe they are in place, waiting word to deliver the radioactive components. I can't tell you that is true, I can tell you I believe it. They look like soda machines, bigger ones, or food vending machines. I saw them without their casements, so can't tell what they will finally look like, or where they will be planted. They were in warehouses full of other similar appearing non-nuke devices, huge warehouses.
Well, on to my day. Good day.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Nap time.
.
.
Okay, this is getting really harsh. I have been forced to do one of two things. The first, to attempt staying awake right through pain and perpetual grogginess. That doesn't work as I get nothing done AND feel wretched the whole time. The second option has been to nap frequently. I limit the naps, but end up taking several a day. I set the alarm for between two and three hours if I end up waking up after anywhere from an half hour to an hour and a half. I have had three or four naps today. The naps have not allowed for more work but they have made life a lot easier. It simply doesn't hurt as much. And I can think somewhat more clearly.
I have started back on full meds. I had cut the water pill to a third of my dose and tried to drink less as well, for a few days. That might be it but I can't be sure. I have been having minor cramping, but with potassium, Gatorade, magnesium, zinc, vitamin B complex, and the others, I shouldn't be running low. I might be going too high though? This is a tricky thing to work through. Especially with little help from the medical field. Since I won't let them be little dictators they aren't interested in helping. I sure wish I could afford competent, communicative, mature medical help. I really do. Be glad Obama care is slated to end with his "career".
Oh, I see that moving to Utah has several good features, beyond my hopes. While home sales are slower, there actually are more of them. We have increased home sales by 25% since last year. Construction is down a good bit, but that is even better for me. While housing purchases have increased and new builds are down, my home type is the type that is being sold. And I have the right size and shape of home that people want. Fewer rooms, larger rooms, and a house allowing for a small family. If I can improve some things this home will sell quite well when I am ready.
What needs tended? The electrical, sum total. I need to gut it and start over, if I have to guess. I want the electric (fuse) box indoors, I want to make sure some things are not being used, and will remove them when I am sure they are not functioning (the knob and tube parts, after which I will insulate). And I want to make sure the wiring to my outbuildings are up to specs, with a heavier capacity to my garage for higher voltage equipment. Next I need to reform my kitchen. At least refitting the floor. I would also like to refresh or replace my cabinetry and add an island (with a gas cook top and a minor prep sink, and perhaps a hot water device). And, finally, I would like to improve my (the en suite) bathroom, expanding it to contain a corner spa bath, keep a shower, and hide the hot water heater (and probably redo some of the piping, as it seems to take a very long time for the hot water to reach the shower). Okay, that would about do it. How much would that add to value? I can't say, though I would guess I could get 50% to 70% back, perhaps more if it is all done well and rightly. More of a return if I do most of the work. Then again, I will have to be careful with my expenses and choices. Some of it can be on the cheap, but if it all looks like really cheap work and product, no gain will be had.
I am about to set up the dishes. I didn't do them after roasting the chicken and eating with my friend. I had them done before though, leaving a small pile from the dinner and the cooking. I did soak the roaster. It is extremely difficult to clean that monster if I don't soak it. I want to get set up for next week. I plan to have roast beef, mashed potatoes and gravy, and maybe the other squash. I am not sure when it will happen but I have already invited my friend. I really miss squash, haven't had it in a long time. Acorn this last time. I ate it without butter, salt, pepper, or brown sugar. Just squash. And I really enjoyed it.
Good night.
.
Okay, this is getting really harsh. I have been forced to do one of two things. The first, to attempt staying awake right through pain and perpetual grogginess. That doesn't work as I get nothing done AND feel wretched the whole time. The second option has been to nap frequently. I limit the naps, but end up taking several a day. I set the alarm for between two and three hours if I end up waking up after anywhere from an half hour to an hour and a half. I have had three or four naps today. The naps have not allowed for more work but they have made life a lot easier. It simply doesn't hurt as much. And I can think somewhat more clearly.
I have started back on full meds. I had cut the water pill to a third of my dose and tried to drink less as well, for a few days. That might be it but I can't be sure. I have been having minor cramping, but with potassium, Gatorade, magnesium, zinc, vitamin B complex, and the others, I shouldn't be running low. I might be going too high though? This is a tricky thing to work through. Especially with little help from the medical field. Since I won't let them be little dictators they aren't interested in helping. I sure wish I could afford competent, communicative, mature medical help. I really do. Be glad Obama care is slated to end with his "career".
Oh, I see that moving to Utah has several good features, beyond my hopes. While home sales are slower, there actually are more of them. We have increased home sales by 25% since last year. Construction is down a good bit, but that is even better for me. While housing purchases have increased and new builds are down, my home type is the type that is being sold. And I have the right size and shape of home that people want. Fewer rooms, larger rooms, and a house allowing for a small family. If I can improve some things this home will sell quite well when I am ready.
What needs tended? The electrical, sum total. I need to gut it and start over, if I have to guess. I want the electric (fuse) box indoors, I want to make sure some things are not being used, and will remove them when I am sure they are not functioning (the knob and tube parts, after which I will insulate). And I want to make sure the wiring to my outbuildings are up to specs, with a heavier capacity to my garage for higher voltage equipment. Next I need to reform my kitchen. At least refitting the floor. I would also like to refresh or replace my cabinetry and add an island (with a gas cook top and a minor prep sink, and perhaps a hot water device). And, finally, I would like to improve my (the en suite) bathroom, expanding it to contain a corner spa bath, keep a shower, and hide the hot water heater (and probably redo some of the piping, as it seems to take a very long time for the hot water to reach the shower). Okay, that would about do it. How much would that add to value? I can't say, though I would guess I could get 50% to 70% back, perhaps more if it is all done well and rightly. More of a return if I do most of the work. Then again, I will have to be careful with my expenses and choices. Some of it can be on the cheap, but if it all looks like really cheap work and product, no gain will be had.
I am about to set up the dishes. I didn't do them after roasting the chicken and eating with my friend. I had them done before though, leaving a small pile from the dinner and the cooking. I did soak the roaster. It is extremely difficult to clean that monster if I don't soak it. I want to get set up for next week. I plan to have roast beef, mashed potatoes and gravy, and maybe the other squash. I am not sure when it will happen but I have already invited my friend. I really miss squash, haven't had it in a long time. Acorn this last time. I ate it without butter, salt, pepper, or brown sugar. Just squash. And I really enjoyed it.
Good night.
Women.
.
.
Dr. Helen opened a can of worms, sort of. And with women on my mind, as usual, I have been chewing on the fat provided. There are general understandings, things more common to most men. And there are things that might be more singular to me, no two men are completely alike. I am not sure I can or will separate the two, if some differences might become obvious up front.
First, what makes women attractive to me, and they are to varying degrees, must be looked at. I don't think there are absolutes. I have been very attracted to women other men seem to find unattractive and I don't always find models all that attractive. Because of something that has changed in me, if a woman is not fertile and willing in the proper relationship to be so, I don't find the woman attractive. That may be a unique thing to me, or something normal which has been lost in a world of porn. I didn't have it when I was younger, at least not consciously. I gained this as I turned 35 or so. Beyond that, what attracts me to a woman is her interest in me. If she simply isn't interested, or is otherwise taken, it won't work. I have, in the past, won such women over. At this time I am not interested in working all that hard.
Okay, physically, I do have preferences. While I don't like bone skinny, I do like a woman to have a figure, up to plush but not beyond. She has to look feminine, girl-child looks just aren't my thing, nor are women so large they become androgynous. That leaves quite a lot of room. As for height, being rather tall, most women are petite. While petite is attractive, a 6'3" woman is still petite to me. Small women, in the 4'8" to 5'2" range sort of spook me. While attractive, they become fragile near me. And as for beauty, as I have suggested, I like what I like and that at times is quite different from what other men like. She either strikes me or she doesn't.
Dr. Helen wondered if what we see as attractive, or beautiful, or however you wish to term it, whether that is instinctive or based on modern media. For my part, I have to think it is something other than modern media. I am not sure, however, that it is based on instinct either. Initially, perhaps, there was instinctual behavior involved, much like with food preferences. As I aged, however, I learned to like different things. With food, bitter became a joy. Cabbage, brussels sprouts, and many other things have come to be greatly favored. With women, distinctive looks and "feel" (not physical touch, but a sense of the woman psychically, intellectually, or something) which is beyond mere beauty, a distinct sexuality that intrigues me, and other things have become a part of my interest in a particular woman. My tastes have changed, but I can't believe it is instinct. I would say it has more to do with having been with enough women that... something makes sense that is not clearly visible to the naked eye.
And, now, as I finally stepped into the Church, and opened my life to God as fully as I may, something else has happened. I don't fully understand this aspect, save that it has something to do with opening myself to God's will and whatever that does to a man. It does change things.
I also know that I will have to play a large part in keeping a woman attractive to me, should I find a wife. And I know that beauty will fade, even if she never changed. If men want a perpetually beautiful wife, they have to learn to love the woman, to guide her a bit by letting her know what strikes his cords. Sometimes this is done verbally, like letting her know that long hair is attractive. Sometimes it is done by showering her with attention or gifts when she emotes beautiful or attractive traits. Most men have no idea how powerful they are with their woman. I know. And I don't mind using it. I feel sorry for men who lose attraction to their woman, actually I feel sorry for both of them. It is the opposite of when men believe women can't be pleased, or expect them to just "know". But worse in the sense that men can lead women through that. Men can make up a woman's mind if not always in the way they directly think, or as a once and always thing. Those doubts and questions a woman bring? They are just seeking truth, through you. Don't fail yourself through failing your woman.
Anyway... Go have a wonderful day. And find some pretty woman, hopefully yours, to smile at. The Lord knows that fills my day. He sure gave us a lot of them too, to enjoy life with, both knowingly and not. If she isn't your love, treat her like your mother, sister, or daughter. That is, if you know how to do that right.
.
Dr. Helen opened a can of worms, sort of. And with women on my mind, as usual, I have been chewing on the fat provided. There are general understandings, things more common to most men. And there are things that might be more singular to me, no two men are completely alike. I am not sure I can or will separate the two, if some differences might become obvious up front.
First, what makes women attractive to me, and they are to varying degrees, must be looked at. I don't think there are absolutes. I have been very attracted to women other men seem to find unattractive and I don't always find models all that attractive. Because of something that has changed in me, if a woman is not fertile and willing in the proper relationship to be so, I don't find the woman attractive. That may be a unique thing to me, or something normal which has been lost in a world of porn. I didn't have it when I was younger, at least not consciously. I gained this as I turned 35 or so. Beyond that, what attracts me to a woman is her interest in me. If she simply isn't interested, or is otherwise taken, it won't work. I have, in the past, won such women over. At this time I am not interested in working all that hard.
Okay, physically, I do have preferences. While I don't like bone skinny, I do like a woman to have a figure, up to plush but not beyond. She has to look feminine, girl-child looks just aren't my thing, nor are women so large they become androgynous. That leaves quite a lot of room. As for height, being rather tall, most women are petite. While petite is attractive, a 6'3" woman is still petite to me. Small women, in the 4'8" to 5'2" range sort of spook me. While attractive, they become fragile near me. And as for beauty, as I have suggested, I like what I like and that at times is quite different from what other men like. She either strikes me or she doesn't.
Dr. Helen wondered if what we see as attractive, or beautiful, or however you wish to term it, whether that is instinctive or based on modern media. For my part, I have to think it is something other than modern media. I am not sure, however, that it is based on instinct either. Initially, perhaps, there was instinctual behavior involved, much like with food preferences. As I aged, however, I learned to like different things. With food, bitter became a joy. Cabbage, brussels sprouts, and many other things have come to be greatly favored. With women, distinctive looks and "feel" (not physical touch, but a sense of the woman psychically, intellectually, or something) which is beyond mere beauty, a distinct sexuality that intrigues me, and other things have become a part of my interest in a particular woman. My tastes have changed, but I can't believe it is instinct. I would say it has more to do with having been with enough women that... something makes sense that is not clearly visible to the naked eye.
And, now, as I finally stepped into the Church, and opened my life to God as fully as I may, something else has happened. I don't fully understand this aspect, save that it has something to do with opening myself to God's will and whatever that does to a man. It does change things.
I also know that I will have to play a large part in keeping a woman attractive to me, should I find a wife. And I know that beauty will fade, even if she never changed. If men want a perpetually beautiful wife, they have to learn to love the woman, to guide her a bit by letting her know what strikes his cords. Sometimes this is done verbally, like letting her know that long hair is attractive. Sometimes it is done by showering her with attention or gifts when she emotes beautiful or attractive traits. Most men have no idea how powerful they are with their woman. I know. And I don't mind using it. I feel sorry for men who lose attraction to their woman, actually I feel sorry for both of them. It is the opposite of when men believe women can't be pleased, or expect them to just "know". But worse in the sense that men can lead women through that. Men can make up a woman's mind if not always in the way they directly think, or as a once and always thing. Those doubts and questions a woman bring? They are just seeking truth, through you. Don't fail yourself through failing your woman.
Anyway... Go have a wonderful day. And find some pretty woman, hopefully yours, to smile at. The Lord knows that fills my day. He sure gave us a lot of them too, to enjoy life with, both knowingly and not. If she isn't your love, treat her like your mother, sister, or daughter. That is, if you know how to do that right.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Much to do and always too little time in which to do it.
.
.
I have been using cat naps along with longer sleep periods in order to have more function. If I weary to the point of dysfunction I simply take a nap. I set the alarm to limit the thing to a few hours though usually I rise after a mere hour or so. After getting up I am usually a bit closer to having some potential for function. If nothing else I am fully awake and can enjoy my humble life better when I am more awake.
I was up at between 9:00 and 10:00. I had a good night of sleep. Still I could not get going fast enough to make it to Mass. Fine, I'll make it Friday. The dishes are mostly done. I simply couldn't do a final load last night. I will finish the dishes and kitchen, begin brining the chicken, do some laundry, then see how time is going. It will be good to have company for dinner and enough food cooked for a few days to a week of easy eating as well. But more, it is good to be back on some kind of track again.
I was actually side-tracked a bit last night, which interfered with getting other tasks finished. I figured out the WPA2 settings, set it up with a full password, and it works well. The problem is I can't get my Droid Bionic to accept my wifi. I have been searching forums and the Motorola instructions, so far to no good end. I am not sure what to put where, actually. The phone, at various stages, asks for this and that but I honestly haven't found complete instructions or definitions. Which password here, do I need proxy numbers, what am I supposed to put in that blank, or this one? I simply haven't found a comprehensive instruction set, or a logic system by which to choose which settings I should be using, which systems to include or use, what boxes to check, so I don't even know if what I am putting in is correct, therefore I cannot be sure it actually isn't working. Yeah, I will probably call tech support shortly. I suppose putting all of this information up, in obvious ways, in easy to find and access ways, would be too much work. They were too busy making the Razor phone to fully support the Bionic, and now they are already working on the next phone. Oh well.
Later.
.
I have been using cat naps along with longer sleep periods in order to have more function. If I weary to the point of dysfunction I simply take a nap. I set the alarm to limit the thing to a few hours though usually I rise after a mere hour or so. After getting up I am usually a bit closer to having some potential for function. If nothing else I am fully awake and can enjoy my humble life better when I am more awake.
I was up at between 9:00 and 10:00. I had a good night of sleep. Still I could not get going fast enough to make it to Mass. Fine, I'll make it Friday. The dishes are mostly done. I simply couldn't do a final load last night. I will finish the dishes and kitchen, begin brining the chicken, do some laundry, then see how time is going. It will be good to have company for dinner and enough food cooked for a few days to a week of easy eating as well. But more, it is good to be back on some kind of track again.
I was actually side-tracked a bit last night, which interfered with getting other tasks finished. I figured out the WPA2 settings, set it up with a full password, and it works well. The problem is I can't get my Droid Bionic to accept my wifi. I have been searching forums and the Motorola instructions, so far to no good end. I am not sure what to put where, actually. The phone, at various stages, asks for this and that but I honestly haven't found complete instructions or definitions. Which password here, do I need proxy numbers, what am I supposed to put in that blank, or this one? I simply haven't found a comprehensive instruction set, or a logic system by which to choose which settings I should be using, which systems to include or use, what boxes to check, so I don't even know if what I am putting in is correct, therefore I cannot be sure it actually isn't working. Yeah, I will probably call tech support shortly. I suppose putting all of this information up, in obvious ways, in easy to find and access ways, would be too much work. They were too busy making the Razor phone to fully support the Bionic, and now they are already working on the next phone. Oh well.
Later.
Monday, December 5, 2011
Okay, well, limping in again.
.
.
I could not rise early or easily. I was pushing it meeting with Father today. But I did make it. I didn't have time to get my router/phone modem and cable tv box out. So, after meeting with Father, to discuss a men's breakfast, then going to Mass, I headed home to pick those up. Back into town I stopped first at my friend's apartment. Then to the cable company. They weren't happy that I was cutting off television. They offered me, now, a deal to put it all together and cut it so that basic tv would be $5 or $10 more than cable. Being mad as hell about being overcharged for so long I had no interest in tv, well, that and television is 99% junk or worse. No, no, no. Keep your tv.
After my business my friend asked to go shopping. He thought it had been two weeks, not one, since I was in to see him. Nope, just one week I assured him. Yeah, I really need to work harder to get in to see him. He likes to get out but doesn't like the methods available to him. And, yeah, it is good to have friends. After shopping I paid him back for dinner last week. We went to my favorite Mexican eatery. I do love that place. All good.
Getting home in the dark, at 18:00 or so, is so odd. I had some things to do though. First thing I had to part out what I bought at the store. I saw some great deals on steaks, but multi-packs, and hamburger. So I separated them out into useful portions then put them into freezer bags, most of those going into the freezer. Next I set up my new router. It wasn't, of course, working. A quick call to tech support got it going. As well, I found out how to change the WPA2 settings. They had it set up with WPA2 but with only, say, 14 number and digits. I went 64, wrote it down beforehand, then checked it twice while putting it in. The tech guy, I suspect, realized I was going all the way. He didn't sound too happy about it either. I can't be sure why, you would think they would like tight security. I guess I suspect they... have their reasons. Yeah, I can guess at why they like weak security.
I have set myself up. I have to do some things tomorrow. I really have to do the dishes tonight. I am planning on attending Mass again tomorrow. After which I will be bringing my friend home for supper. Roasted chicken (and brots), mashed potatoes, and gravy. Hmm, I just bought squash, I think that will go in as well. I loves me some squash. While I wash dishes I might as well go ahead and do laundry as well. It's been a tough week. I just can't let that become the norm, not if I can help it. Perhaps cutting the water pill just a bit was the right thing. We will see.
Good night.
.
I could not rise early or easily. I was pushing it meeting with Father today. But I did make it. I didn't have time to get my router/phone modem and cable tv box out. So, after meeting with Father, to discuss a men's breakfast, then going to Mass, I headed home to pick those up. Back into town I stopped first at my friend's apartment. Then to the cable company. They weren't happy that I was cutting off television. They offered me, now, a deal to put it all together and cut it so that basic tv would be $5 or $10 more than cable. Being mad as hell about being overcharged for so long I had no interest in tv, well, that and television is 99% junk or worse. No, no, no. Keep your tv.
After my business my friend asked to go shopping. He thought it had been two weeks, not one, since I was in to see him. Nope, just one week I assured him. Yeah, I really need to work harder to get in to see him. He likes to get out but doesn't like the methods available to him. And, yeah, it is good to have friends. After shopping I paid him back for dinner last week. We went to my favorite Mexican eatery. I do love that place. All good.
Getting home in the dark, at 18:00 or so, is so odd. I had some things to do though. First thing I had to part out what I bought at the store. I saw some great deals on steaks, but multi-packs, and hamburger. So I separated them out into useful portions then put them into freezer bags, most of those going into the freezer. Next I set up my new router. It wasn't, of course, working. A quick call to tech support got it going. As well, I found out how to change the WPA2 settings. They had it set up with WPA2 but with only, say, 14 number and digits. I went 64, wrote it down beforehand, then checked it twice while putting it in. The tech guy, I suspect, realized I was going all the way. He didn't sound too happy about it either. I can't be sure why, you would think they would like tight security. I guess I suspect they... have their reasons. Yeah, I can guess at why they like weak security.
I have set myself up. I have to do some things tomorrow. I really have to do the dishes tonight. I am planning on attending Mass again tomorrow. After which I will be bringing my friend home for supper. Roasted chicken (and brots), mashed potatoes, and gravy. Hmm, I just bought squash, I think that will go in as well. I loves me some squash. While I wash dishes I might as well go ahead and do laundry as well. It's been a tough week. I just can't let that become the norm, not if I can help it. Perhaps cutting the water pill just a bit was the right thing. We will see.
Good night.
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Bended knee to be sure.
.
.
No, it don't make sense. Go, warn. You might be surprised that you, too, may be a fisher of men. The warning is dire, the time could be near, but certainly cataclysmic times are upon us. Choose wisely, your way and your word. The machine is in motion no matter if this is merely the end of an era or the end of time. I know I have been trying to put more time on my knees. No, I think I am good. But there is a whole world out there, a host of people sprinting to hell. If my prayers will save one, or my words, I'll wear my knees and tongue out. I am hoping not to have to be a sword again, if it be His will, not mine.
It's been a rough few days. Routine? How about getting out of bed. It has nothing to do with will power, or I should say sometimes my world is beyond choice. So it has been. At least I haven't seemed ill. I just couldn't do a thing. Still can't, but I saw something tonight.
I saw a spark tonight. The last week has seen me thirsty beyond reason and hungry too, but unable to eat much. I have drunk gallons each day, up to three, maybe on to four gallons. And I have still lost five pounds. I wondered, so today I cut half a water pill. I can't be sure what is wrong and I don't have an appointment, again, for almost two months. They have shut me out since I won't be a guinea pig for a heart transplant. So be it, I'll do it myself. That spark though, has me hoping. I have dishes and laundry to do. I won't get to it tonight, but tomorrow. That is my test.
Some things have been coming into view. I have written about them before, but purely speculatively. Now I have some evidence and decided to share.
The first, of course, is perpetual problems with hacking. I had suggested (and been poo-pooed about it by the "pros") that printers (and other peripherals, anything with it's own memory) were security risks. Every time I would clear my machine, then hook it back into everything else, there I was, again. This seems to indicate I was correct. And mobile phones (and pads would be my guess) seem to be terribly corrupted, hacked by the manufacturers, data service suppliers, and anyone else that can get their hacks in place, plus anyone who can hack them. I couldn't find this on my phone, but they might simply have moved it or made it so that I can't even access (or see) it.
Would you believe European courts might do something correct? It seems they have. How long before they revise is anyone's guess. Though with their terrible intent, they will have to do one of two things. Either they will have to commercialize the human condition or simply allow for extermination. They will not allow this judgement to stand, they can't and be what they are. I am watching this.
And food. A long time critic of modern food policing, I saw two articles which support long time positions. The first is that we need a little "dirt" on our food. Without introduction, often and early, we will subject our children to severe reactions when they finally do make contact with many things. And, so far as saturated fats go, there is this article. I have, for some time, not only argued for but included saturated fats in my diet. Oh, sure, there is room for peanut oil and olive oil, but I like my lard, tallow, and even duck fat if I could afford it. I just debated my lady friend on this, if too I rejected organic tallow from another friend. I just don't trust organic. That whole movement is too cult like and upper-crusty, and some other things, for my taste. I guess science is finally backing up tradition. I wonder what is going wrong in the inner circles. They are losing their genocide inducing grip on "the sciences". The truth is escaping, as is control and power. I think they went too far with AGW and the backlash is more than they can take. Good.
That is that. It is nearly bedtime and I need to try and wake early. I would like to make it to Mass in the morning. From a cold start-up and miserable week, I promise nothing. I only say I will do it if I can squeeze it out of my bones and flesh. That's a lot but... sometimes there is nothing there to be crushed out.
Good night.
.
No, it don't make sense. Go, warn. You might be surprised that you, too, may be a fisher of men. The warning is dire, the time could be near, but certainly cataclysmic times are upon us. Choose wisely, your way and your word. The machine is in motion no matter if this is merely the end of an era or the end of time. I know I have been trying to put more time on my knees. No, I think I am good. But there is a whole world out there, a host of people sprinting to hell. If my prayers will save one, or my words, I'll wear my knees and tongue out. I am hoping not to have to be a sword again, if it be His will, not mine.
It's been a rough few days. Routine? How about getting out of bed. It has nothing to do with will power, or I should say sometimes my world is beyond choice. So it has been. At least I haven't seemed ill. I just couldn't do a thing. Still can't, but I saw something tonight.
I saw a spark tonight. The last week has seen me thirsty beyond reason and hungry too, but unable to eat much. I have drunk gallons each day, up to three, maybe on to four gallons. And I have still lost five pounds. I wondered, so today I cut half a water pill. I can't be sure what is wrong and I don't have an appointment, again, for almost two months. They have shut me out since I won't be a guinea pig for a heart transplant. So be it, I'll do it myself. That spark though, has me hoping. I have dishes and laundry to do. I won't get to it tonight, but tomorrow. That is my test.
Some things have been coming into view. I have written about them before, but purely speculatively. Now I have some evidence and decided to share.
The first, of course, is perpetual problems with hacking. I had suggested (and been poo-pooed about it by the "pros") that printers (and other peripherals, anything with it's own memory) were security risks. Every time I would clear my machine, then hook it back into everything else, there I was, again. This seems to indicate I was correct. And mobile phones (and pads would be my guess) seem to be terribly corrupted, hacked by the manufacturers, data service suppliers, and anyone else that can get their hacks in place, plus anyone who can hack them. I couldn't find this on my phone, but they might simply have moved it or made it so that I can't even access (or see) it.
Would you believe European courts might do something correct? It seems they have. How long before they revise is anyone's guess. Though with their terrible intent, they will have to do one of two things. Either they will have to commercialize the human condition or simply allow for extermination. They will not allow this judgement to stand, they can't and be what they are. I am watching this.
And food. A long time critic of modern food policing, I saw two articles which support long time positions. The first is that we need a little "dirt" on our food. Without introduction, often and early, we will subject our children to severe reactions when they finally do make contact with many things. And, so far as saturated fats go, there is this article. I have, for some time, not only argued for but included saturated fats in my diet. Oh, sure, there is room for peanut oil and olive oil, but I like my lard, tallow, and even duck fat if I could afford it. I just debated my lady friend on this, if too I rejected organic tallow from another friend. I just don't trust organic. That whole movement is too cult like and upper-crusty, and some other things, for my taste. I guess science is finally backing up tradition. I wonder what is going wrong in the inner circles. They are losing their genocide inducing grip on "the sciences". The truth is escaping, as is control and power. I think they went too far with AGW and the backlash is more than they can take. Good.
That is that. It is nearly bedtime and I need to try and wake early. I would like to make it to Mass in the morning. From a cold start-up and miserable week, I promise nothing. I only say I will do it if I can squeeze it out of my bones and flesh. That's a lot but... sometimes there is nothing there to be crushed out.
Good night.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Shaving the list.
.
.
To keep things straight in my head, as I tire, I am putting things I have done here. I did change the cat litter, which of course requires a good deal of sweeping. I finished the roaster and various other dishes, then made a couple of hamburgers for lunch, and am about to finish those dishes. My routine went forward. I finished the cleaning the toilet. I called my mother and had a good talk, about as long as she usually has to talk which means much longer than usual, with her. She is a busy woman, I understand. I think, at this point, disconnecting the cable and telephone, going to Mass, then taking the electronics in while turning off all but cable services, and getting a router, then setting that up, will be the extent of my work today. If I can get it all done. At least, for what it is worth, I have my smartphone to check online. An advantage with a wifi rig is that I don't have to worry about whether 3G is up all the time (it isn't). So long as I have one or the other I have some access. I would hate to blog that way, but it is possible.
I tried to call my lady friend. Her package arrived and I was pleased. She will simply want to know. She was not available, oddly. My mother doesn't know what she wants for Christmas yet. The only other person I will be buying for seems to have changed his mind. He wanted tools, but then bought them when we were out. He may no longer want that drill press. I had found a decent one and was going to go halvsies with him. We will see. Ugh. I couldn't imagine trying to buy for half a dozen or more people. My kids will get a lump of coal and be happy for it! Doh!
My mother asked me and I told her. Smartwool hunter socks. At $24 a pair, if she can't find a sale, if she can only afford one pair I am good with that. No off-brands, no clearance deals, no it's-cotton-but-it-looks-like-wool deals. If she can't do that, a damned lump of coal, if you would. Or nothing. I'm good with that too. If she can't swing it, I'm happy with a card. Oh, next time I speak with her I need to tell her not to try to be funny with her cards. They hurt my feelings and she should know that by now. Passive-aggressive really pisses me off.
I had better go. I'm getting tired and grumpy. Later.
Scratch Mass. My brother called right as I was getting ready. He dreamed about me and a babysitter. We went into a room and he couldn't get in. From his description I suggested who, where, and when. It all fit. He must have seen us go in there. She must have locked the door. Yep, it was real alright. So I let him know what had happened. I guess I always thought I had told him. Maybe I didn't, maybe he forgot, maybe he didn't understand so it didn't make sense and so it was lost in his mind. While we were talking, I advised him to seek any psychiatric help he may believe he needs outside of the V.A. I disclosed their backstabbing way of dealing with veterans regarding these issues. That's what brothers are for. Luckily, if it isn't too late, he is retired from the service first and foremost. He can get competent, reliable, trustworthy medical care elsewhere. With a little checking around he can find someone worth his time and trust. I hope.
.
To keep things straight in my head, as I tire, I am putting things I have done here. I did change the cat litter, which of course requires a good deal of sweeping. I finished the roaster and various other dishes, then made a couple of hamburgers for lunch, and am about to finish those dishes. My routine went forward. I finished the cleaning the toilet. I called my mother and had a good talk, about as long as she usually has to talk which means much longer than usual, with her. She is a busy woman, I understand. I think, at this point, disconnecting the cable and telephone, going to Mass, then taking the electronics in while turning off all but cable services, and getting a router, then setting that up, will be the extent of my work today. If I can get it all done. At least, for what it is worth, I have my smartphone to check online. An advantage with a wifi rig is that I don't have to worry about whether 3G is up all the time (it isn't). So long as I have one or the other I have some access. I would hate to blog that way, but it is possible.
I tried to call my lady friend. Her package arrived and I was pleased. She will simply want to know. She was not available, oddly. My mother doesn't know what she wants for Christmas yet. The only other person I will be buying for seems to have changed his mind. He wanted tools, but then bought them when we were out. He may no longer want that drill press. I had found a decent one and was going to go halvsies with him. We will see. Ugh. I couldn't imagine trying to buy for half a dozen or more people. My kids will get a lump of coal and be happy for it! Doh!
My mother asked me and I told her. Smartwool hunter socks. At $24 a pair, if she can't find a sale, if she can only afford one pair I am good with that. No off-brands, no clearance deals, no it's-cotton-but-it-looks-like-wool deals. If she can't do that, a damned lump of coal, if you would. Or nothing. I'm good with that too. If she can't swing it, I'm happy with a card. Oh, next time I speak with her I need to tell her not to try to be funny with her cards. They hurt my feelings and she should know that by now. Passive-aggressive really pisses me off.
I had better go. I'm getting tired and grumpy. Later.
Scratch Mass. My brother called right as I was getting ready. He dreamed about me and a babysitter. We went into a room and he couldn't get in. From his description I suggested who, where, and when. It all fit. He must have seen us go in there. She must have locked the door. Yep, it was real alright. So I let him know what had happened. I guess I always thought I had told him. Maybe I didn't, maybe he forgot, maybe he didn't understand so it didn't make sense and so it was lost in his mind. While we were talking, I advised him to seek any psychiatric help he may believe he needs outside of the V.A. I disclosed their backstabbing way of dealing with veterans regarding these issues. That's what brothers are for. Luckily, if it isn't too late, he is retired from the service first and foremost. He can get competent, reliable, trustworthy medical care elsewhere. With a little checking around he can find someone worth his time and trust. I hope.
Why today, this morning?
.
.
I finally stole to bed at 2:00. Sleep did not come easily, and I woke a number of times. Sometime in the dark I simply woke for a final time. Rested, ready to rise, less morning grog than I have known for some time, I tried to ascertain the time. That first attempt at waking left me unable to decipher my watch. That made me certain I needed a bit more time to sleep. Since sleep would not come I rested. Shortly after I woke again, this time... shortly before 5:00? Yep, 4:47 to 4:53 would be my guess. That is about as close as you can get with only two glowing hands and nothing else to go by, and having just started thinking for the morning. Thank God we don't have to own our first thoughts in the morning as our life's mantras. Oy vey!
"Hungry?", I asked. Sassy, the kitten, meowled her approval, trilled a few times, then ran for the door. Even Sam was interested, and beat the kitten and me to the kitchen! Lately she really hasn't liked the food, a texture that neither cats truly favor. Still, for whatever reason, today was her hungry day. It improves my mood to see Sam eat. I worry about my more senior co-owner, especially when she gets picky to the point where it seems she must be starving. Oh, sure, girlish figure and all. Blasphemy!
Could I have woken merely because I have more things to do? No, I always have more things to do. The cats didn't wake me, I actually woke them. It wasn't vehicles, or other noise. And I feel rested, my awakening isn't a disturbance, as it usually is when an alarm clock is used. Who knows. Who can know? What I do know is being awake this early might make catching up on the chores I missed yesterday while dealing with what was already planned for today easily doable. Further, some tasks assigned for tomorrow might get done. An early easy rise makes for a lot of day with which to trade for jobs, chores, and duties.
My bed is already made, teeth are cleaned including flossing which I started yesterday, medicines are about to go down, my toilet has been pre-sprayed to be cleaned (one of those extra little things that brings happiness to my eyes), and blogging has begun. I should have my reading done in an hour or two. I might kick out a rosary too. All that before I would even usually be awake? How definitively odd, how interesting, how novel, how loverly. Then to the roaster, kitty litter, getting the cable box and modem/phone jack disconnected and returned. I can't remember all I wanted to do, not quite yet. I'll... remember or read the list... in a short bit.
Good day.
.
I finally stole to bed at 2:00. Sleep did not come easily, and I woke a number of times. Sometime in the dark I simply woke for a final time. Rested, ready to rise, less morning grog than I have known for some time, I tried to ascertain the time. That first attempt at waking left me unable to decipher my watch. That made me certain I needed a bit more time to sleep. Since sleep would not come I rested. Shortly after I woke again, this time... shortly before 5:00? Yep, 4:47 to 4:53 would be my guess. That is about as close as you can get with only two glowing hands and nothing else to go by, and having just started thinking for the morning. Thank God we don't have to own our first thoughts in the morning as our life's mantras. Oy vey!
"Hungry?", I asked. Sassy, the kitten, meowled her approval, trilled a few times, then ran for the door. Even Sam was interested, and beat the kitten and me to the kitchen! Lately she really hasn't liked the food, a texture that neither cats truly favor. Still, for whatever reason, today was her hungry day. It improves my mood to see Sam eat. I worry about my more senior co-owner, especially when she gets picky to the point where it seems she must be starving. Oh, sure, girlish figure and all. Blasphemy!
Could I have woken merely because I have more things to do? No, I always have more things to do. The cats didn't wake me, I actually woke them. It wasn't vehicles, or other noise. And I feel rested, my awakening isn't a disturbance, as it usually is when an alarm clock is used. Who knows. Who can know? What I do know is being awake this early might make catching up on the chores I missed yesterday while dealing with what was already planned for today easily doable. Further, some tasks assigned for tomorrow might get done. An early easy rise makes for a lot of day with which to trade for jobs, chores, and duties.
My bed is already made, teeth are cleaned including flossing which I started yesterday, medicines are about to go down, my toilet has been pre-sprayed to be cleaned (one of those extra little things that brings happiness to my eyes), and blogging has begun. I should have my reading done in an hour or two. I might kick out a rosary too. All that before I would even usually be awake? How definitively odd, how interesting, how novel, how loverly. Then to the roaster, kitty litter, getting the cable box and modem/phone jack disconnected and returned. I can't remember all I wanted to do, not quite yet. I'll... remember or read the list... in a short bit.
Good day.
It always, always, takes longer.
.
.
It doesn't matter if I am taking out the trash or setting up my medicines and supplements for two weeks, time simply evaporates. I wouldn't even say I am slow. While not a whiz-bang, especially with medicine, I probably move faster than 70% to 80% of the population, simply because I want it DONE! Even so...
I did the dishes, save the roasting pan. It is soaking. I did set up my medicine and supplements. I did check on wireless routers and settings, and read enough that I think I grokked it. That project, I suspect, regardless of my understanding and the instructions, both probably to turn out to be clear as mud no matter how well it looks at this point, will end up eating half a day. Then again, it might take as little at a few hours, maybe less. I have noticed, intellectually, I have an ebb and flow. At my peak I can damned near hit genius. No brag, just the facts. The thing is I only reach that peak at random times during a complete weekly or bi-weekly schedule, at best. I can, sometimes, cause that to occur by concentrating, if there are no guarantees. This takes up, perhaps, 3% to 7% of my waking time. About half of the rest of the time I run at about 60% to 90% capacity. The rest of the time I can hit the doldrums and run at 20% to 50% capacity. This is all... speculative, unscientific, guesstimating, but within reason. I wonder, with a repaired heart, if I could boost that?
Anyway, I got some of it but I have simply run out of time. I have actually stayed up too late doing what I did do. Oh well. Then again, there were a few token actions taken, jobs done, what have you. Little things which, being done, bring a small sparkle to my eyes. These take time, lead me off course, but are pleasant and worthy of their own accord. Time is a real humdinger though, and doesn't wait on me at all. So be it.
I merely need to do my exercises, brush and gargle, then climb into my well made bed. Gee I love getting into a made bed. I do. I can't tell you how much that tickles every part of my being. I have always wanted that, too. A clean home, clean dishes, clean laundry, no death smell, and more. I have company twice a week or more, people to pray with, the Eucharist on a very regular schedule, and I am also learning the rosary, finally. Not bad for a dead man walking, if you believe the doctors. And I am still a hot body. Many of the guys, during the KoC ceremonies, were dealing with being cold. I was nice and warm, too warm at times, and just in dress slacks, though with a t-shirt under my shirt and wool socks (but only one pair). One of them was bigger than I, in girth, and freezing, wearing a flannel shirt, t-shirt, and jeans. I am as dead as a blooming rose in spring. I did have my jacket, but took it off inside and it was too warm when I had it on but I didn't want to mess with carrying it.
I may be dark, but like a rose in spring, I am far from death.
I best get to bed, I have even more things to do tomorrow. The roaster and the cat litter. Ugh. Good night.
.
It doesn't matter if I am taking out the trash or setting up my medicines and supplements for two weeks, time simply evaporates. I wouldn't even say I am slow. While not a whiz-bang, especially with medicine, I probably move faster than 70% to 80% of the population, simply because I want it DONE! Even so...
I did the dishes, save the roasting pan. It is soaking. I did set up my medicine and supplements. I did check on wireless routers and settings, and read enough that I think I grokked it. That project, I suspect, regardless of my understanding and the instructions, both probably to turn out to be clear as mud no matter how well it looks at this point, will end up eating half a day. Then again, it might take as little at a few hours, maybe less. I have noticed, intellectually, I have an ebb and flow. At my peak I can damned near hit genius. No brag, just the facts. The thing is I only reach that peak at random times during a complete weekly or bi-weekly schedule, at best. I can, sometimes, cause that to occur by concentrating, if there are no guarantees. This takes up, perhaps, 3% to 7% of my waking time. About half of the rest of the time I run at about 60% to 90% capacity. The rest of the time I can hit the doldrums and run at 20% to 50% capacity. This is all... speculative, unscientific, guesstimating, but within reason. I wonder, with a repaired heart, if I could boost that?
Anyway, I got some of it but I have simply run out of time. I have actually stayed up too late doing what I did do. Oh well. Then again, there were a few token actions taken, jobs done, what have you. Little things which, being done, bring a small sparkle to my eyes. These take time, lead me off course, but are pleasant and worthy of their own accord. Time is a real humdinger though, and doesn't wait on me at all. So be it.
I merely need to do my exercises, brush and gargle, then climb into my well made bed. Gee I love getting into a made bed. I do. I can't tell you how much that tickles every part of my being. I have always wanted that, too. A clean home, clean dishes, clean laundry, no death smell, and more. I have company twice a week or more, people to pray with, the Eucharist on a very regular schedule, and I am also learning the rosary, finally. Not bad for a dead man walking, if you believe the doctors. And I am still a hot body. Many of the guys, during the KoC ceremonies, were dealing with being cold. I was nice and warm, too warm at times, and just in dress slacks, though with a t-shirt under my shirt and wool socks (but only one pair). One of them was bigger than I, in girth, and freezing, wearing a flannel shirt, t-shirt, and jeans. I am as dead as a blooming rose in spring. I did have my jacket, but took it off inside and it was too warm when I had it on but I didn't want to mess with carrying it.
I may be dark, but like a rose in spring, I am far from death.
I best get to bed, I have even more things to do tomorrow. The roaster and the cat litter. Ugh. Good night.
Monday, November 28, 2011
A great day!
.
.
No, I didn't get to everything this morning. I did do some of my work but time ran out. I had to rush a shower, get dressed as fast as I could, and hit the road with flames dancing where my wheels had been. Or, well, something like that. Actually, when I looked at the time, I must have seen it wrongly. I was at Church well before Mass. Fine, fine, I now carry one of my rosaries at all times. I have the last decade to do. Right after dishes.
After Mass, I went to my friends home. It seemed sneaking out and catting around were on the wishlist. Dinner was had, then a bit of shopping. He had need of a number of tools and wood glue. He paid for supper, being that I was pretty close to broke. No worries, that is what next time is for. Payday is just right there. Ugh, though. I need to figure some things out. I keep having one or the other of my banks refusing me access, stopping my card, or this or that. None of them can be trusted. Then again, I knew I would be cutting it nigh on to nothing this month. On the good side this coming month is a clean slate, save for cable.
I really need to get cable tv and the phone turned off. As a package, basic, it is costing over $200 a month. Tomorrow, after mass, everything but internet is going. I just haven't gotten to that. I suppose because television is such a convenient thing for clumsy moments where little else seems possible. The phone? Because I thought the bundling was keeping costs down. Not so much. Oh, sure, they will whine, they will promise, they will offer. Nope. They have been bad and will be punished. Basic cable should be no more than $60, my cable internet was the same, and telephone was $40, just last year, individually. Bundling was supposed to make those all less expensive. So how does that all go up to over $220 a month? Never mind, I'll fix this for good. Cretans.
I will set up my medicine keeper too, tonight, before sleeping. Dishes as I said, will be done. The rest of my routine needs tended, if it is almost automatic now (if I do give graces for when I simply cannot do something), oh and cat litter needs cleared. Tomorrow I simply have Mass and taking the cable box and phone/router back. I will, of course, need a new router. I may opt for a wireless one, if my research tonight yields instructions I can grok, and the safest connection setup. I hope the new modem has instructions as well. I would like to increase the connectivity, but to be honest with you, I don't think I trust their rated speeds or ability to offer those speeds on a regular basis. I think if you pay more you are... well... just paying more for nothing. Corps have gotten greedy, which is nothing new; cheating, through ever increasing cronyism as they know no one is looking, at least without winking for the right price; and stupid, they honestly seem to be over their heads in this tech goop. So, I will skip that.
Wednesday is clean up day. The commons, for the most part, is all that is needed. I really have been keeping up. And yet no matter, it seems to fall right back down. No problem, I'll just keep keeping up, catching up when needed, and doing my dailies, weeklies, bi-weeklies, monthlies, and such. It will never be enough but it does make a huge difference. Now, if I am having someone over and need to clean? Moments. It takes merely an hour or two, maximum, to have the place buffed, shined, and sparkling. Yeah, I like that. This is not all I ever wanted, but it is a small piece of it. Perhaps a beginning? Even if that is all I get, I'll take it, for now.
Good night.
.
No, I didn't get to everything this morning. I did do some of my work but time ran out. I had to rush a shower, get dressed as fast as I could, and hit the road with flames dancing where my wheels had been. Or, well, something like that. Actually, when I looked at the time, I must have seen it wrongly. I was at Church well before Mass. Fine, fine, I now carry one of my rosaries at all times. I have the last decade to do. Right after dishes.
After Mass, I went to my friends home. It seemed sneaking out and catting around were on the wishlist. Dinner was had, then a bit of shopping. He had need of a number of tools and wood glue. He paid for supper, being that I was pretty close to broke. No worries, that is what next time is for. Payday is just right there. Ugh, though. I need to figure some things out. I keep having one or the other of my banks refusing me access, stopping my card, or this or that. None of them can be trusted. Then again, I knew I would be cutting it nigh on to nothing this month. On the good side this coming month is a clean slate, save for cable.
I really need to get cable tv and the phone turned off. As a package, basic, it is costing over $200 a month. Tomorrow, after mass, everything but internet is going. I just haven't gotten to that. I suppose because television is such a convenient thing for clumsy moments where little else seems possible. The phone? Because I thought the bundling was keeping costs down. Not so much. Oh, sure, they will whine, they will promise, they will offer. Nope. They have been bad and will be punished. Basic cable should be no more than $60, my cable internet was the same, and telephone was $40, just last year, individually. Bundling was supposed to make those all less expensive. So how does that all go up to over $220 a month? Never mind, I'll fix this for good. Cretans.
I will set up my medicine keeper too, tonight, before sleeping. Dishes as I said, will be done. The rest of my routine needs tended, if it is almost automatic now (if I do give graces for when I simply cannot do something), oh and cat litter needs cleared. Tomorrow I simply have Mass and taking the cable box and phone/router back. I will, of course, need a new router. I may opt for a wireless one, if my research tonight yields instructions I can grok, and the safest connection setup. I hope the new modem has instructions as well. I would like to increase the connectivity, but to be honest with you, I don't think I trust their rated speeds or ability to offer those speeds on a regular basis. I think if you pay more you are... well... just paying more for nothing. Corps have gotten greedy, which is nothing new; cheating, through ever increasing cronyism as they know no one is looking, at least without winking for the right price; and stupid, they honestly seem to be over their heads in this tech goop. So, I will skip that.
Wednesday is clean up day. The commons, for the most part, is all that is needed. I really have been keeping up. And yet no matter, it seems to fall right back down. No problem, I'll just keep keeping up, catching up when needed, and doing my dailies, weeklies, bi-weeklies, monthlies, and such. It will never be enough but it does make a huge difference. Now, if I am having someone over and need to clean? Moments. It takes merely an hour or two, maximum, to have the place buffed, shined, and sparkling. Yeah, I like that. This is not all I ever wanted, but it is a small piece of it. Perhaps a beginning? Even if that is all I get, I'll take it, for now.
Good night.
A new day, a new week.
.
.
I changed my alarm clock to go off at 8:00. Waking at 9:00 is par for that course. When I try and fudge it back to a 7:00 alarm, I don't end up waking up until 10:00 to 11:00 though, somehow. I suppose if I can push it, and wake at 8:00 when the alarm goes off, I will push for the 7:00 alarm time setting. It's an ugly thing, trying to reverse my schedule, even by an hour. Keeping it on track as well as I have, though, has been impossible until recently, save when I was taking Ritalin.
My routine is completed. Last week it got shot up a bit. I had over-exercised, given my condition and how long it had been since I had last formally exercised. Every day, twice a day, for three weeks, even just that little bit I do, had absolutely worn out my muscles. I did my exercises a few times, but mostly took the week off. This week I will be doing them every other day, starting Mondays, with weekends off. At least it shows. No, I don't look like monkey gym Pete or something. No one else can probably tell. I can.
I also slipped up taking my medicines as well, toward the end of the week. I was simply too exhausted to do more than what I had to do. Even that was pushing things. I have enough, leftovers though, for today, but will be setting my med-set up for the next two weeks today.
Mass is planned for today. I also hope to get the cat litter changed, trash out, and dishes done before going in. Hmm, time has slipped my fingers. If I wish to do that I best hurry. I have a blazing headache. Probably from not taking medicine regularly. A bit green around the gills too. It could be a cold or flu though too. Tis the season. Never mind, I have things which must be done.
Good day.
.
I changed my alarm clock to go off at 8:00. Waking at 9:00 is par for that course. When I try and fudge it back to a 7:00 alarm, I don't end up waking up until 10:00 to 11:00 though, somehow. I suppose if I can push it, and wake at 8:00 when the alarm goes off, I will push for the 7:00 alarm time setting. It's an ugly thing, trying to reverse my schedule, even by an hour. Keeping it on track as well as I have, though, has been impossible until recently, save when I was taking Ritalin.
My routine is completed. Last week it got shot up a bit. I had over-exercised, given my condition and how long it had been since I had last formally exercised. Every day, twice a day, for three weeks, even just that little bit I do, had absolutely worn out my muscles. I did my exercises a few times, but mostly took the week off. This week I will be doing them every other day, starting Mondays, with weekends off. At least it shows. No, I don't look like monkey gym Pete or something. No one else can probably tell. I can.
I also slipped up taking my medicines as well, toward the end of the week. I was simply too exhausted to do more than what I had to do. Even that was pushing things. I have enough, leftovers though, for today, but will be setting my med-set up for the next two weeks today.
Mass is planned for today. I also hope to get the cat litter changed, trash out, and dishes done before going in. Hmm, time has slipped my fingers. If I wish to do that I best hurry. I have a blazing headache. Probably from not taking medicine regularly. A bit green around the gills too. It could be a cold or flu though too. Tis the season. Never mind, I have things which must be done.
Good day.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Nope.
.
.
I did wash the dishes and roast the lamb. It did turn out quite good, if there wasn't all that much meat being bone-in. There was no mutton taste to it, it was rather sweet. A couple of whole cloves of garlic and halves of onion, plus some salt were all I used for spices. I just carved the potatoes into wedges, tossed a handful of baby carrots in, if I skipped making gravy.
I wanted to get up today, early enough for Mass, but I am a human wasteland. While I can, and probably will, get to a few things today, I can't do them in a timely manner. I kept waking this morning but I simply could not get out of bed. At about 12:30 I finally got up and out for good. I woke a bit earlier, long enough to make sure my furry friends had food. I don't even remember going back to bed but that most certainly is what happened.
I am hoping that by tomorrow I will be back on my feet. There are a few things I would like to sort through, and I need to get back to Mass. I was out of town twice last week, and too exhausted from all the hubbub the other days. I can only do just so much then my world grows dark and cold. I am doing more than ever. At least now, when the exhaustion hits, it is for good cause.
I am continuing to practice with the rosary. I would actually like to make that a part of my morning routine. I need to find a more definitive resource than the leaflet I have. But for now, I am a first stage padawon learner. I was actually saying some of the prayers in one of my dreams. Odd, really.
Well, on to my day. Good day.
.
I did wash the dishes and roast the lamb. It did turn out quite good, if there wasn't all that much meat being bone-in. There was no mutton taste to it, it was rather sweet. A couple of whole cloves of garlic and halves of onion, plus some salt were all I used for spices. I just carved the potatoes into wedges, tossed a handful of baby carrots in, if I skipped making gravy.
I wanted to get up today, early enough for Mass, but I am a human wasteland. While I can, and probably will, get to a few things today, I can't do them in a timely manner. I kept waking this morning but I simply could not get out of bed. At about 12:30 I finally got up and out for good. I woke a bit earlier, long enough to make sure my furry friends had food. I don't even remember going back to bed but that most certainly is what happened.
I am hoping that by tomorrow I will be back on my feet. There are a few things I would like to sort through, and I need to get back to Mass. I was out of town twice last week, and too exhausted from all the hubbub the other days. I can only do just so much then my world grows dark and cold. I am doing more than ever. At least now, when the exhaustion hits, it is for good cause.
I am continuing to practice with the rosary. I would actually like to make that a part of my morning routine. I need to find a more definitive resource than the leaflet I have. But for now, I am a first stage padawon learner. I was actually saying some of the prayers in one of my dreams. Odd, really.
Well, on to my day. Good day.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
A fine simple day.
.
.
The sun is up, no clouds to be seen. It must be an amazing day out there. As I relax on this Saturday, gazing at an amazing world and tinkering, my mind coils around various notions.
I seem to be less dehydrated today for no reason that I can tell. I did drink some olive juice, I am all out of pickle juice and they do about the same thing. While that worked to seemingly quickly fix the tickle inducing dry patch in the rearward nether of my throat, it couldn't really have hydrated me. While I am still a bit parched, this is the best I have been for some time in this matter. It had nothing to do with potassium though. I seem to be taking that better than what I remember. I can tell by how fast I go through boxes, putting up two at a time which lasts about 30 days. I went through two boxes in the last month, which is when I started keeping things on track again, and matches the number of used packets per box. I am simply not sure what is causing such dryness, other than, as I suspect, brushing and gargling twice a day. The gargle I am using is a bit dated, from when I moved here. New gargle and only using it at night, perhaps, will clear it up. If that doesn't work I may simply gargle, but then rinse my mouth with water.
I keep thinking about women. Now, I do like them. Mostly from afar or very close. It's the time between those points where I have trouble. I honestly wouldn't put up with having one of the feral emotional beasts in my home unless they were fruitful. While they have methods that do work, and while they have a beauty and intelligence and wisdom that is unknown to man, and worthy to a degree, none of that is worth having given the many costs, unless they produce children, tend them and the home, and then act as partners. What was it the godfather in "The Godfather" said? Something about men not being aloud to be careless. Women and children can be careless, but not men? Something like that. I don't want a single careless one in my home. In groups, she will learn some degree of not being careless. Children balance her. If, to a degree, in the family setting, she balances him. Either the whole clock or none of it, as the parts don't work unless all are there and in their places.
I am feeling better today. After a week and a half of utter exhaustion, today is wonderful. I simply won't push things today for that reason. Mass, certainly. After that I simply don't know. I would like to roast the leg of lamb, it is well thawed. But I need to do the dishes first. My deal with cooking is... fine, but only if I start with a clean kitchen. I simply don't want to do a lot of dishes on top of supper dishes, pots, and pans. The chance of failure is too great. I may try to kick the dishes out before I prepare to attend Mass. If so, I may see if I have a few dollars sitting around with which to buy several kohlrabi. I have carrots, onions, and potatoes to go along with it all. Roast with a few vegetables and gravy. No desert though, then again desert is rare thing for me to make. I honestly don't really like sweets all that much. I almost can't eat ice cream or other cold treats as they are far too cloying in my seemingly perpetual dehydrated state. Even when it isn't as bad as it has been lately, it is there. At least since I started the 'water pills'. Actually, I think I have been dehydrated for most of my disabled life, whether a side effect of medicines, an inability to tend myself properly, or a bit of both. I do wonder how many side effects, from taking certain medicines for longer term (more than a few years) turn side effects into permanent defects. Oh? You don't think so? Go look at some of the people they used to give medicines to in the long term psych wards. Some of them jiggle and wiggle and twitch perpetually. Some of them are mentally fried, others still have cognition. I suppose it depends on whether they received electric shock "therapy" too. Why psych's have done to people is incredibly horrible. Experimentation, and it used to be forced. For me, any problems I might have are purely physical, thankfully. If... thankful is quite the right word...
Well, I suppose I should get on to the dishes. A little straightening might happen too. I won't push things, but if it just sort of happens, and I don't feel to strained by it, I will do it. How odd, on a day of relaxation, I should feel more like working than my designated work days? Never mind, I get what I get, when I get it, and do what I may when I am able, mostly. Good day.
Oh, one last thing. Whether you remember or not, I have mentioned that for much of my disabled life I could smell something between death, rot, and disease. Now that I am taking care of things the smell has gone. Laundry is done at least weekly, bedding is changed every week or every other week, I am not in bed so often, I change my socks... actually all my clothes daily. I vacuum, sweep, and mop. I clean my bathroom vigorously. My clothes, body, home, bed... all clean, and clean smelling. It was an nearly invisible smell. No one else could smell it, or seemed to. But it was there, for me, always. With it gone though, I now smell the cats, but only in my bedding. I will definitely need to wash my blankets every two weeks to a month. I may look at blankets, and buy several sets, so they get a chance to air out on top of being washed. Most of my blankets are old, some are rather tattered. And yet I like them. Six or seven new blankets over the coming year will allow me to have a little variety. But it is good to have that smell gone. It did remind me of death, and caused some quiet worry. Now, too, I know it wasn't just in my mind.
.
The sun is up, no clouds to be seen. It must be an amazing day out there. As I relax on this Saturday, gazing at an amazing world and tinkering, my mind coils around various notions.
I seem to be less dehydrated today for no reason that I can tell. I did drink some olive juice, I am all out of pickle juice and they do about the same thing. While that worked to seemingly quickly fix the tickle inducing dry patch in the rearward nether of my throat, it couldn't really have hydrated me. While I am still a bit parched, this is the best I have been for some time in this matter. It had nothing to do with potassium though. I seem to be taking that better than what I remember. I can tell by how fast I go through boxes, putting up two at a time which lasts about 30 days. I went through two boxes in the last month, which is when I started keeping things on track again, and matches the number of used packets per box. I am simply not sure what is causing such dryness, other than, as I suspect, brushing and gargling twice a day. The gargle I am using is a bit dated, from when I moved here. New gargle and only using it at night, perhaps, will clear it up. If that doesn't work I may simply gargle, but then rinse my mouth with water.
I keep thinking about women. Now, I do like them. Mostly from afar or very close. It's the time between those points where I have trouble. I honestly wouldn't put up with having one of the feral emotional beasts in my home unless they were fruitful. While they have methods that do work, and while they have a beauty and intelligence and wisdom that is unknown to man, and worthy to a degree, none of that is worth having given the many costs, unless they produce children, tend them and the home, and then act as partners. What was it the godfather in "The Godfather" said? Something about men not being aloud to be careless. Women and children can be careless, but not men? Something like that. I don't want a single careless one in my home. In groups, she will learn some degree of not being careless. Children balance her. If, to a degree, in the family setting, she balances him. Either the whole clock or none of it, as the parts don't work unless all are there and in their places.
I am feeling better today. After a week and a half of utter exhaustion, today is wonderful. I simply won't push things today for that reason. Mass, certainly. After that I simply don't know. I would like to roast the leg of lamb, it is well thawed. But I need to do the dishes first. My deal with cooking is... fine, but only if I start with a clean kitchen. I simply don't want to do a lot of dishes on top of supper dishes, pots, and pans. The chance of failure is too great. I may try to kick the dishes out before I prepare to attend Mass. If so, I may see if I have a few dollars sitting around with which to buy several kohlrabi. I have carrots, onions, and potatoes to go along with it all. Roast with a few vegetables and gravy. No desert though, then again desert is rare thing for me to make. I honestly don't really like sweets all that much. I almost can't eat ice cream or other cold treats as they are far too cloying in my seemingly perpetual dehydrated state. Even when it isn't as bad as it has been lately, it is there. At least since I started the 'water pills'. Actually, I think I have been dehydrated for most of my disabled life, whether a side effect of medicines, an inability to tend myself properly, or a bit of both. I do wonder how many side effects, from taking certain medicines for longer term (more than a few years) turn side effects into permanent defects. Oh? You don't think so? Go look at some of the people they used to give medicines to in the long term psych wards. Some of them jiggle and wiggle and twitch perpetually. Some of them are mentally fried, others still have cognition. I suppose it depends on whether they received electric shock "therapy" too. Why psych's have done to people is incredibly horrible. Experimentation, and it used to be forced. For me, any problems I might have are purely physical, thankfully. If... thankful is quite the right word...
Well, I suppose I should get on to the dishes. A little straightening might happen too. I won't push things, but if it just sort of happens, and I don't feel to strained by it, I will do it. How odd, on a day of relaxation, I should feel more like working than my designated work days? Never mind, I get what I get, when I get it, and do what I may when I am able, mostly. Good day.
Oh, one last thing. Whether you remember or not, I have mentioned that for much of my disabled life I could smell something between death, rot, and disease. Now that I am taking care of things the smell has gone. Laundry is done at least weekly, bedding is changed every week or every other week, I am not in bed so often, I change my socks... actually all my clothes daily. I vacuum, sweep, and mop. I clean my bathroom vigorously. My clothes, body, home, bed... all clean, and clean smelling. It was an nearly invisible smell. No one else could smell it, or seemed to. But it was there, for me, always. With it gone though, I now smell the cats, but only in my bedding. I will definitely need to wash my blankets every two weeks to a month. I may look at blankets, and buy several sets, so they get a chance to air out on top of being washed. Most of my blankets are old, some are rather tattered. And yet I like them. Six or seven new blankets over the coming year will allow me to have a little variety. But it is good to have that smell gone. It did remind me of death, and caused some quiet worry. Now, too, I know it wasn't just in my mind.
Cramps and dehydration.
.
.
No fair. No matter what I drink I can't catch up. No matter how much of what I drink can I make it through the dehydration. I am in some kind of systemic funk. At least now I realize what has been leading me into exhaustion. The signs weren't clear enough before. I have been missing my potassium often. I don't think that is the problem though. Worse, I am a little nervous about all that brushing. Simply, when I brush and gargle, being extremely dehydrated (to the point my eyes hurt), my body is absorbing all that goop like a sponge. I do worry that brushing and gargling might, by themselves, be adding to the problem. I've always, since I started brushing and gargling, had and have a very strange taste (sort of like dark chocolate) in my mouth and a slightly sore throat, toward the back edge of my throat. These things have increasingly become more pronounced. Super absorption due to dehydration which leads to worse dehydration? I am not sure. The medicines alone never did this. I've got to find something to relieve my dry throat.
Oh, super! I just woke. And, looking at my watch, I wasn't sure if I could possibly make it to Mass at noon. With less than an hour, and counting, to get myself together and get out the door, the prospect was quite dubious. But... it is Saturday! I don't have to be out the door until 16:20-30. I am not even going to guarantee that. I am only going to suggest that my test is not yet at hand. Tomorrow will be the real test though. Two Masses, one quite early.
I went through the Joyous mysteries using the rosary last night. The instructions I have are a little light on detail, and I know I made mistakes beside that. I can't find the cd. I might be able to find a recording. The problem is, you never know if the recording is wrong if you don't know the right way to start with. I'll figure it out. I am not, at the moment, going to worry about which day to do which of the sets. After I get better with the prayers, and their order, and a basic familiarity with the various sets of contemplations, then I'll figure out which is to be used when. Finally, I am doing even this too.
Hmm, I might have some olive juice around somewhere. That might tear through the throat grime from dehydration, making drinking what might help easier. I also ought to check the leg of lamb to see if it is fully thawed. Refrigerated thawing is an iffy thing.
Good day.
.
No fair. No matter what I drink I can't catch up. No matter how much of what I drink can I make it through the dehydration. I am in some kind of systemic funk. At least now I realize what has been leading me into exhaustion. The signs weren't clear enough before. I have been missing my potassium often. I don't think that is the problem though. Worse, I am a little nervous about all that brushing. Simply, when I brush and gargle, being extremely dehydrated (to the point my eyes hurt), my body is absorbing all that goop like a sponge. I do worry that brushing and gargling might, by themselves, be adding to the problem. I've always, since I started brushing and gargling, had and have a very strange taste (sort of like dark chocolate) in my mouth and a slightly sore throat, toward the back edge of my throat. These things have increasingly become more pronounced. Super absorption due to dehydration which leads to worse dehydration? I am not sure. The medicines alone never did this. I've got to find something to relieve my dry throat.
Oh, super! I just woke. And, looking at my watch, I wasn't sure if I could possibly make it to Mass at noon. With less than an hour, and counting, to get myself together and get out the door, the prospect was quite dubious. But... it is Saturday! I don't have to be out the door until 16:20-30. I am not even going to guarantee that. I am only going to suggest that my test is not yet at hand. Tomorrow will be the real test though. Two Masses, one quite early.
I went through the Joyous mysteries using the rosary last night. The instructions I have are a little light on detail, and I know I made mistakes beside that. I can't find the cd. I might be able to find a recording. The problem is, you never know if the recording is wrong if you don't know the right way to start with. I'll figure it out. I am not, at the moment, going to worry about which day to do which of the sets. After I get better with the prayers, and their order, and a basic familiarity with the various sets of contemplations, then I'll figure out which is to be used when. Finally, I am doing even this too.
Hmm, I might have some olive juice around somewhere. That might tear through the throat grime from dehydration, making drinking what might help easier. I also ought to check the leg of lamb to see if it is fully thawed. Refrigerated thawing is an iffy thing.
Good day.
Friday, November 25, 2011
Not bad.
.
.
I wasn't sure how Thanksgiving, and today, would go. I am in a serious slump. Yesterday didn't require me to be awake early, but even then I had to push to make it. I was an half hour late but... that was almost built in. Today I was required to be up and out at a relatively early hour, before 10:00. On each day I had to shower and the rest, do my routines, and skip waking up. I won't say it wasn't rough. I will just say I surprised myself. I was more worried about today as I had offered to be one of the drivers. I had put myself on point.
I am barely able to walk these last few days. Burned out, I suppose. Perhaps the cold has settled on me and winter is taking it's toll. I simply don't know. Yesterday was rather short in duration. Today was from 10:00 to 20:00, as it turns out. I was also worried, today, about money. I wasn't sure I had enough gas or money for more, and then I worried about any additional fees. As it turns out I had enough for gas and there were no extra fees. I was a little worried about whether I could hold up. I did well enough if I certainly wasn't on the top of my game. So be it. I shifted right through from the first to the third order knight. I can't wait to get going on some projects.
The first project will be meeting with our priest to discuss a men's breakfast before Mass. I have been given no limits or guidelines. It is my baby. I know trying it every Sunday would be too much, twice a month might even be pushing it (if it is what I would prefer). The menu is something else to be sorted out, if I have some ideas I will listen to Father and speak with some of the other men. After that? I will have to wait until our meeting mid-month. I know I would like to create a monthly prayer vigil regarding abortion, and find out what we are doing about collecting money to help cover costs for women who we reach, to help pay bills incurred for the birth process, housing, and whatever costs for understanding the importance of life. The Lord knows, getting a woman to cherish life is not without a real world price. While we can't give her back that time, we can make that time be as painless as possible. In a way, we must become, stand in for, the fathers of those children. Now THAT is real shared sacrifice. I think the other issue, which sort of brought me to enjoying cooking and feeding people, is hunger. I really would love to see wrongful hunger and definitely starvation end. If there is one thing I could do, and believe is practically possible, it is that. I would love to see no one ever have to worry about food. Not here, not in Africa, not in Pakistan. Big words for a little big man, but there it is.
I was able to get to know my leader a bit better. I couldn't remember, but he is one of the men who helped me move in. He looks younger, somehow. And I told him so. No need for flattery when the truth will suffice. I also got to speak with some of the men who road with me. Yes, fellowship, something I have sorely missed. While that isn't a main part of joining, it is a part of it. Good men, all married and working, so, again, I am an outlier. And yet, not. They seem to have softened a bit. I don't understand anything, truth be told. I can only speculate when I write here about some things. Perhaps, as I thought, they had heard bad things about me. Perhaps they were just tired that day. It is difficult to know. I assess, then write, speculate, then write, but I may never really know.
Because of business, medical appointments, and some other things, I have been unable to attend Mass this week. I hope to attend Saturday and twice Sunday. I don't know if I can get that to happen but it is the goal. I have no other real goals, though I hope to catch back up on dishes, and then roast a leg of lamb. Nummm! Love that stuff, at least if it isn't too hard tasting. I am looking for a brand of lamb I can more than merely tolerate. I miss what Albertsons used to have available. When they sold out, we lost that line, a simply exquisite line of lamb. It cost a bit more but was worth twice the costs for the flavor.
Good night.
.
I wasn't sure how Thanksgiving, and today, would go. I am in a serious slump. Yesterday didn't require me to be awake early, but even then I had to push to make it. I was an half hour late but... that was almost built in. Today I was required to be up and out at a relatively early hour, before 10:00. On each day I had to shower and the rest, do my routines, and skip waking up. I won't say it wasn't rough. I will just say I surprised myself. I was more worried about today as I had offered to be one of the drivers. I had put myself on point.
I am barely able to walk these last few days. Burned out, I suppose. Perhaps the cold has settled on me and winter is taking it's toll. I simply don't know. Yesterday was rather short in duration. Today was from 10:00 to 20:00, as it turns out. I was also worried, today, about money. I wasn't sure I had enough gas or money for more, and then I worried about any additional fees. As it turns out I had enough for gas and there were no extra fees. I was a little worried about whether I could hold up. I did well enough if I certainly wasn't on the top of my game. So be it. I shifted right through from the first to the third order knight. I can't wait to get going on some projects.
The first project will be meeting with our priest to discuss a men's breakfast before Mass. I have been given no limits or guidelines. It is my baby. I know trying it every Sunday would be too much, twice a month might even be pushing it (if it is what I would prefer). The menu is something else to be sorted out, if I have some ideas I will listen to Father and speak with some of the other men. After that? I will have to wait until our meeting mid-month. I know I would like to create a monthly prayer vigil regarding abortion, and find out what we are doing about collecting money to help cover costs for women who we reach, to help pay bills incurred for the birth process, housing, and whatever costs for understanding the importance of life. The Lord knows, getting a woman to cherish life is not without a real world price. While we can't give her back that time, we can make that time be as painless as possible. In a way, we must become, stand in for, the fathers of those children. Now THAT is real shared sacrifice. I think the other issue, which sort of brought me to enjoying cooking and feeding people, is hunger. I really would love to see wrongful hunger and definitely starvation end. If there is one thing I could do, and believe is practically possible, it is that. I would love to see no one ever have to worry about food. Not here, not in Africa, not in Pakistan. Big words for a little big man, but there it is.
I was able to get to know my leader a bit better. I couldn't remember, but he is one of the men who helped me move in. He looks younger, somehow. And I told him so. No need for flattery when the truth will suffice. I also got to speak with some of the men who road with me. Yes, fellowship, something I have sorely missed. While that isn't a main part of joining, it is a part of it. Good men, all married and working, so, again, I am an outlier. And yet, not. They seem to have softened a bit. I don't understand anything, truth be told. I can only speculate when I write here about some things. Perhaps, as I thought, they had heard bad things about me. Perhaps they were just tired that day. It is difficult to know. I assess, then write, speculate, then write, but I may never really know.
Because of business, medical appointments, and some other things, I have been unable to attend Mass this week. I hope to attend Saturday and twice Sunday. I don't know if I can get that to happen but it is the goal. I have no other real goals, though I hope to catch back up on dishes, and then roast a leg of lamb. Nummm! Love that stuff, at least if it isn't too hard tasting. I am looking for a brand of lamb I can more than merely tolerate. I miss what Albertsons used to have available. When they sold out, we lost that line, a simply exquisite line of lamb. It cost a bit more but was worth twice the costs for the flavor.
Good night.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Happy Thanksgiving.
.
.
No? Of course, more so for me than almost any man on this planet. Bad ticker, legal issues, too much work too little energy, medicine issues, troubles and worries and health issues abound. And? I really shouldn't even be alive. If my notions regarding my birth mother are true, she tried to poison me before I was born. All along the way either incidents or accidents have piled up, many of which could, some of which should, have been fatal. I have seen things most men will never live to tell the tale regarding. Further, while often a bit too tired to do things even on the right meds and a sustainable dose, I get around just fine often. I have friends and family. I live in an area where I am a vast minority and do just fine. I am buying a home, planning a future, looking for a woman, joining with other men to do good. I have a reasonable living and lifestyle, that in spite of not being able to work.
I have much to be thankful for. And I am. Ignore the grumblings. Generally they are nothing more than the guy pushing his limits in straight weights. He is going to have to know some pain to lift even more. It is the way of things. And, while not completely satisfied with what I have attained, I am still working in spite of having doctors be impressed with my appearance and what I can do. It is good. Could it be better? On this planet, it could always be better. In this plane of existence, at this time, nothing works well or for long. Everything was made to fail, including us. This leaves us with a choice. We can either grieve the loss of perfection or cherish the humble work left to us in order to carry on a humble life. I choose the latter. I have explained the grumbling.
May your meal be humble, pleasant, and easy, or grand and various, as you wish. I hope you have a few calls come in or go out, or many people to see. Among strangers or long time friends and family, I truly hope you enjoy what you have. Remember, you still have breath to you. Use it wisely while it lasts. Again, Happy Thanksgiving. Turkey. :p
.
No? Of course, more so for me than almost any man on this planet. Bad ticker, legal issues, too much work too little energy, medicine issues, troubles and worries and health issues abound. And? I really shouldn't even be alive. If my notions regarding my birth mother are true, she tried to poison me before I was born. All along the way either incidents or accidents have piled up, many of which could, some of which should, have been fatal. I have seen things most men will never live to tell the tale regarding. Further, while often a bit too tired to do things even on the right meds and a sustainable dose, I get around just fine often. I have friends and family. I live in an area where I am a vast minority and do just fine. I am buying a home, planning a future, looking for a woman, joining with other men to do good. I have a reasonable living and lifestyle, that in spite of not being able to work.
I have much to be thankful for. And I am. Ignore the grumblings. Generally they are nothing more than the guy pushing his limits in straight weights. He is going to have to know some pain to lift even more. It is the way of things. And, while not completely satisfied with what I have attained, I am still working in spite of having doctors be impressed with my appearance and what I can do. It is good. Could it be better? On this planet, it could always be better. In this plane of existence, at this time, nothing works well or for long. Everything was made to fail, including us. This leaves us with a choice. We can either grieve the loss of perfection or cherish the humble work left to us in order to carry on a humble life. I choose the latter. I have explained the grumbling.
May your meal be humble, pleasant, and easy, or grand and various, as you wish. I hope you have a few calls come in or go out, or many people to see. Among strangers or long time friends and family, I truly hope you enjoy what you have. Remember, you still have breath to you. Use it wisely while it lasts. Again, Happy Thanksgiving. Turkey. :p
Back in the pit.
.
.
I worked to wake this morning. My dreams baffled me. I kept dreaming that I was awake at 11:30. It always ended up that when the next alarm went off, it was only 9:30, or 10:00. I finally was able to wake, oddly, right at 11:30. I am not sure what was real and what was dream. Further, I am still very tired. I have fallen.
After yesterday, though, I have some hope. If I can't do the big things perhaps I can continue with some little things. There is my routine, of course. But I mean beyond that. A little bit of neatening in my humble abode, the common areas first. There is very little work to do which makes doing it quite easy and yet it is still highly prized, quite rewarding to complete. Next a bit of work in my closets, getting clothes and goods sorted. And finally, cleaning out and then filling my water jugs. That will put up 25 gallons of water and have me ready to buy and then clean the next set. The first time of doing something new seems to take the longest time, simply to get at. I balk at new things like mules can refuse to cross a bridge. Once I do it, the next time is easier, quicker. While I like the notion of having 2 gallons a day for a year stored, that isn't actually practical at the moment. Not in a hurry in any case. Further, I realize that if water stops flowing my usage will decline a great deal. And, truth be told, I don't need to go three miles for water. A river is rather closer. With no major cities or such upstream, the water should be good enough and would do fine for wash water, after a little warming, assuming the other locals don't use it unwisely (and I have some notion that the waters would be used wisely).
I remember a man, from long ago, when I was a kid really, who made his own soap, raised goats and chickens and perhaps other livestock for food, and lived as they did before technology and commercialism replaced self reliance. His fireplace produced ashes, he rendered fats for soap, he rarely bought commercial goods. Even when he traveled he had items he would simply take with him. I thought him so strange. I liked the notion, I just wasn't sure it was all that practical. The lye used to make soap, and a fear of being burned by it, still clings to my mind. It seemed like a lot of work, a great deal of training and learning, and confusing in how to maintain it all. And yet I had to respect what he did. Nearly a crazy uncle, but not quite truly crazy at all. If I knew someone like him now, I would ask to learn from him. Perhaps even ask to live with him a bit, willing to do the work so as to learn for a while. I hope to do that with gardening this spring, albeit with the wife of a neighbor, as she is the queen of the garden. Work for learning, the old way of doing things. As I mentioned, she grows things that aren't really made for a higher altitude desert gardening. She grows things I have seen few others even contemplate growing. I am just in a memory moment. How strange that so many years later I am trying to figure my way into what I had thought so strange in my youth. Then again, I am now Catholic and classically liberal (if that doesn't mean the same to all). Both of those things were ideologically anathema to me at one time or another in my youth. Strange how things change.
A bit more waking up then it is time to do a few little things. Good day.
.
I worked to wake this morning. My dreams baffled me. I kept dreaming that I was awake at 11:30. It always ended up that when the next alarm went off, it was only 9:30, or 10:00. I finally was able to wake, oddly, right at 11:30. I am not sure what was real and what was dream. Further, I am still very tired. I have fallen.
After yesterday, though, I have some hope. If I can't do the big things perhaps I can continue with some little things. There is my routine, of course. But I mean beyond that. A little bit of neatening in my humble abode, the common areas first. There is very little work to do which makes doing it quite easy and yet it is still highly prized, quite rewarding to complete. Next a bit of work in my closets, getting clothes and goods sorted. And finally, cleaning out and then filling my water jugs. That will put up 25 gallons of water and have me ready to buy and then clean the next set. The first time of doing something new seems to take the longest time, simply to get at. I balk at new things like mules can refuse to cross a bridge. Once I do it, the next time is easier, quicker. While I like the notion of having 2 gallons a day for a year stored, that isn't actually practical at the moment. Not in a hurry in any case. Further, I realize that if water stops flowing my usage will decline a great deal. And, truth be told, I don't need to go three miles for water. A river is rather closer. With no major cities or such upstream, the water should be good enough and would do fine for wash water, after a little warming, assuming the other locals don't use it unwisely (and I have some notion that the waters would be used wisely).
I remember a man, from long ago, when I was a kid really, who made his own soap, raised goats and chickens and perhaps other livestock for food, and lived as they did before technology and commercialism replaced self reliance. His fireplace produced ashes, he rendered fats for soap, he rarely bought commercial goods. Even when he traveled he had items he would simply take with him. I thought him so strange. I liked the notion, I just wasn't sure it was all that practical. The lye used to make soap, and a fear of being burned by it, still clings to my mind. It seemed like a lot of work, a great deal of training and learning, and confusing in how to maintain it all. And yet I had to respect what he did. Nearly a crazy uncle, but not quite truly crazy at all. If I knew someone like him now, I would ask to learn from him. Perhaps even ask to live with him a bit, willing to do the work so as to learn for a while. I hope to do that with gardening this spring, albeit with the wife of a neighbor, as she is the queen of the garden. Work for learning, the old way of doing things. As I mentioned, she grows things that aren't really made for a higher altitude desert gardening. She grows things I have seen few others even contemplate growing. I am just in a memory moment. How strange that so many years later I am trying to figure my way into what I had thought so strange in my youth. Then again, I am now Catholic and classically liberal (if that doesn't mean the same to all). Both of those things were ideologically anathema to me at one time or another in my youth. Strange how things change.
A bit more waking up then it is time to do a few little things. Good day.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Ready for bed.
.
.
I finished the dishes, cleaned up what else needed it, and finished the laundry. I am glad to have been visited. Beside having company for dinner the visit focused my mind on cleaning up. My kitchen, dishes, and laundry are all clean. I am not sure they would have been otherwise. I am still dragging bottom. Life has simply been painful and exhausting the last week. At least I am still seeing to things. I just wish there was some way to open up, get going, do... more... now. Not tomorrow, not after increasing stamina, not when concentration is fully back, but now, right now.
Never mind I will figure out how to grow into this new life. How to expand myself. I do wonder if age isn't a part of it. How much of a decrease do you have with age? How much with a bad heart? No one really knows. It depends they say. They don't even know what it depends upon. The person? Their attitude? Genetics? No matter, as I said, I'll figure it out.
I am hoping to do things I couldn't otherwise do with the KoC. They may be my ticket to greater function. Everything is starting out slowly. I have one task and I am doing what I can with it, but scheduling has complicated it a bit. The first meeting might have more options for involvement. I am simply not certain what is available, what is going on, not yet.
Oh, right, tomorrow I need to follow up with the V.A. After several days of calling around and playing voice mail tag, I finally found out who I was supposed to call. I called him Friday, I think. He should have called me back. I have heard that congress gave the V.A. a theoretical means of appealing these types of decisions but did not fund the appeal process. That is not going to be easy to work with. Never worry, I'll keep digging until I get something. If it is the wrong something I will fight it. If it is the correct answer and means, I will use them. All this time, however, the clock is ticking. Two weeks have passed since I actually received the letter. I am not sure if the timer for an appeal starts when they send the letter or when I sign for it. Probably the former, so really, as much as four weeks have passed! Damned bureaucrats anyway.
On to bed. Good night.
.
I finished the dishes, cleaned up what else needed it, and finished the laundry. I am glad to have been visited. Beside having company for dinner the visit focused my mind on cleaning up. My kitchen, dishes, and laundry are all clean. I am not sure they would have been otherwise. I am still dragging bottom. Life has simply been painful and exhausting the last week. At least I am still seeing to things. I just wish there was some way to open up, get going, do... more... now. Not tomorrow, not after increasing stamina, not when concentration is fully back, but now, right now.
Never mind I will figure out how to grow into this new life. How to expand myself. I do wonder if age isn't a part of it. How much of a decrease do you have with age? How much with a bad heart? No one really knows. It depends they say. They don't even know what it depends upon. The person? Their attitude? Genetics? No matter, as I said, I'll figure it out.
I am hoping to do things I couldn't otherwise do with the KoC. They may be my ticket to greater function. Everything is starting out slowly. I have one task and I am doing what I can with it, but scheduling has complicated it a bit. The first meeting might have more options for involvement. I am simply not certain what is available, what is going on, not yet.
Oh, right, tomorrow I need to follow up with the V.A. After several days of calling around and playing voice mail tag, I finally found out who I was supposed to call. I called him Friday, I think. He should have called me back. I have heard that congress gave the V.A. a theoretical means of appealing these types of decisions but did not fund the appeal process. That is not going to be easy to work with. Never worry, I'll keep digging until I get something. If it is the wrong something I will fight it. If it is the correct answer and means, I will use them. All this time, however, the clock is ticking. Two weeks have passed since I actually received the letter. I am not sure if the timer for an appeal starts when they send the letter or when I sign for it. Probably the former, so really, as much as four weeks have passed! Damned bureaucrats anyway.
On to bed. Good night.
Dinner and a bit of business.
.
.
We took care of business right off the bat. I had coffee going just in case. When I asked if a cup of coffee would be good he asked if the Pope was Catholic. I know that answer. Business was easy, but there is always paperwork. After that was done and done, signed, and finished it was time for dinner. I actually think he enjoyed the meal. He really didn't want too eat to much, as late as it is and with a long drive before him. In spite of such, he took another piece of the roast. *grins* I like it when my product is found to be irresistible. After that, a bit of the apple crisp and freshly whipped cream. I think that took care of his need regarding hunger. And I got the compliments I like for a well cooked meal. All good.
I had the kitchen cleaned up, and my last load in the dryer when he showed up. And though I have dinner dishes now, those are much easier than the pots and pans on top of other dinner plates. What little is left to wash is soaking and will be done yet tonight. As will the laundry. What of tomorrow?
I am not sure what is going on tomorrow. There is no Mass. I have nothing to check on. My home is in pretty good order, save for closets and other minor chores I could tend. I did call my priest and set up an appointment but not until December 5th. Thanksgiving and a few other things on his or my end have made an appointment before then seemingly impossible. Thanksgiving day will pretty much be wrapped around a meal. Friday will pretty much be dedicated to the KoC.
While it seems as if there is much going on, it is really just one event per day that makes anything else impossible to plan around. I simply can't figure what else to do. Oh, wait. Tomorrow would be a good day to look through court records involving accidents and settlements. I am not sure how long that will take. I best take something upon which to take notes. While I have plenty of time, about two and an half years, that time could fly if I don't stick to this. And not knowing how long research will take, it would be easy to back myself against a wall timewise.
If nothing else, one of my fellow knights knows where to go for food. Something about a good, unexpected, meal to set up a friendship on solid grounds. I don't know breakfast so well. I don't like pancakes so I have never done that. Still, if this morning men's breakfast ever catches on I might end up learning to cook breakfasts, and for a crowd, two new things. If so, I guarantee I will need practice and the breakfasts won't be plain. I don't mean to use fifty dollar per ounce maple syrup, but I do intend to use real maple syrup and good ingredients, and to make it home made. I don't believe in making products from a boxes. I am a bit nervous about all that. Hmm, I have some time before this comes to be, perhaps I could practice making various things until then. I just have to find someone, or more, who likes pancakes, since I don't like them. I doubt if I would have any trouble giving away several sets of home made cinnamon rolls, coffee cake, or such either. I'll figure it out.
Good night.
.
We took care of business right off the bat. I had coffee going just in case. When I asked if a cup of coffee would be good he asked if the Pope was Catholic. I know that answer. Business was easy, but there is always paperwork. After that was done and done, signed, and finished it was time for dinner. I actually think he enjoyed the meal. He really didn't want too eat to much, as late as it is and with a long drive before him. In spite of such, he took another piece of the roast. *grins* I like it when my product is found to be irresistible. After that, a bit of the apple crisp and freshly whipped cream. I think that took care of his need regarding hunger. And I got the compliments I like for a well cooked meal. All good.
I had the kitchen cleaned up, and my last load in the dryer when he showed up. And though I have dinner dishes now, those are much easier than the pots and pans on top of other dinner plates. What little is left to wash is soaking and will be done yet tonight. As will the laundry. What of tomorrow?
I am not sure what is going on tomorrow. There is no Mass. I have nothing to check on. My home is in pretty good order, save for closets and other minor chores I could tend. I did call my priest and set up an appointment but not until December 5th. Thanksgiving and a few other things on his or my end have made an appointment before then seemingly impossible. Thanksgiving day will pretty much be wrapped around a meal. Friday will pretty much be dedicated to the KoC.
While it seems as if there is much going on, it is really just one event per day that makes anything else impossible to plan around. I simply can't figure what else to do. Oh, wait. Tomorrow would be a good day to look through court records involving accidents and settlements. I am not sure how long that will take. I best take something upon which to take notes. While I have plenty of time, about two and an half years, that time could fly if I don't stick to this. And not knowing how long research will take, it would be easy to back myself against a wall timewise.
If nothing else, one of my fellow knights knows where to go for food. Something about a good, unexpected, meal to set up a friendship on solid grounds. I don't know breakfast so well. I don't like pancakes so I have never done that. Still, if this morning men's breakfast ever catches on I might end up learning to cook breakfasts, and for a crowd, two new things. If so, I guarantee I will need practice and the breakfasts won't be plain. I don't mean to use fifty dollar per ounce maple syrup, but I do intend to use real maple syrup and good ingredients, and to make it home made. I don't believe in making products from a boxes. I am a bit nervous about all that. Hmm, I have some time before this comes to be, perhaps I could practice making various things until then. I just have to find someone, or more, who likes pancakes, since I don't like them. I doubt if I would have any trouble giving away several sets of home made cinnamon rolls, coffee cake, or such either. I'll figure it out.
Good night.
What a day.
.
.
The snow covered landscape backed by whitened peaks topped by a mixed group of angry and fluffy clouds, and yet with the sun peeking through most of the time, makes for a reminder that there is God. With the sun blazing the frozen world, glinting off the white, it seems odd to call it winter. No other time of the year is so bright. My curtains are open of course. It is good to be here in so many ways.
I have an appointment this afternoon. One of the men from the KoC will be visiting to discuss some things. To that end I have begun cleaning the kitchen and doing dishes, doing the last bits of laundry as a side project. It is so much easier to wash everything when it is fresh, before things dry. I simply didn't have it in me. So be it. I should have my dishes washed and kitchen cleaned before my guest arrives. I will ask if he is hungry. I still have enough roast, mashed potatoes and gravy, and apple crisp to easily feed a small host of guests. "Are you hungry?", is something I heard often from my mother to visitors. No one left her home hungry unless they chose to do so, even if she really didn't like them often. *grins* I like that.
While I am moving slowly, taking breaks often, happily, good long breaks, I am also keeping on the tasks. I am quite tired. I have pushed too hard and too long. But, as a few other times have shown, this is the point in my progress where I get to try to keep up with my progress, perhaps even taking that next step. This type of plateau will come and go for the rest of my life. At some point I will reach the highest functioning I can obtain, given my condition. This isn't it, I don't think. It will come at some point. Just not yet. So I must keep on going.
I am going to ask them to test my heart, or schedule it, the next time I visit the cardiology clinic. Since this is as much medication as I can take and I will have been on it for three months by my next visit, and given what I have been doing, I am hopeful that it has started to heal. If so, I will be much more comfortable going forward with other things, and more, ready to begin new ventures more bravely. If not I will need to investigate what is available to help so that I can move to that higher dose. Either they actually want me to take the medicine and will work with me on home health assistance or a temporary assisted living situation or they are not serious. No one should be forced to live like an animal to take needed medication, especially when taking that medication is a self-defeating process as it cannot be maintained in a patient's current situation. I can't do much about them, I can only present them with the reality, once again. A final, and probably unsuccessful, time.
Well, on to... the rest of my break. Keep at it, it does get done, one project at a time. There is always more. Simply don't worry about that, do what you do. Good day.
.
The snow covered landscape backed by whitened peaks topped by a mixed group of angry and fluffy clouds, and yet with the sun peeking through most of the time, makes for a reminder that there is God. With the sun blazing the frozen world, glinting off the white, it seems odd to call it winter. No other time of the year is so bright. My curtains are open of course. It is good to be here in so many ways.
I have an appointment this afternoon. One of the men from the KoC will be visiting to discuss some things. To that end I have begun cleaning the kitchen and doing dishes, doing the last bits of laundry as a side project. It is so much easier to wash everything when it is fresh, before things dry. I simply didn't have it in me. So be it. I should have my dishes washed and kitchen cleaned before my guest arrives. I will ask if he is hungry. I still have enough roast, mashed potatoes and gravy, and apple crisp to easily feed a small host of guests. "Are you hungry?", is something I heard often from my mother to visitors. No one left her home hungry unless they chose to do so, even if she really didn't like them often. *grins* I like that.
While I am moving slowly, taking breaks often, happily, good long breaks, I am also keeping on the tasks. I am quite tired. I have pushed too hard and too long. But, as a few other times have shown, this is the point in my progress where I get to try to keep up with my progress, perhaps even taking that next step. This type of plateau will come and go for the rest of my life. At some point I will reach the highest functioning I can obtain, given my condition. This isn't it, I don't think. It will come at some point. Just not yet. So I must keep on going.
I am going to ask them to test my heart, or schedule it, the next time I visit the cardiology clinic. Since this is as much medication as I can take and I will have been on it for three months by my next visit, and given what I have been doing, I am hopeful that it has started to heal. If so, I will be much more comfortable going forward with other things, and more, ready to begin new ventures more bravely. If not I will need to investigate what is available to help so that I can move to that higher dose. Either they actually want me to take the medicine and will work with me on home health assistance or a temporary assisted living situation or they are not serious. No one should be forced to live like an animal to take needed medication, especially when taking that medication is a self-defeating process as it cannot be maintained in a patient's current situation. I can't do much about them, I can only present them with the reality, once again. A final, and probably unsuccessful, time.
Well, on to... the rest of my break. Keep at it, it does get done, one project at a time. There is always more. Simply don't worry about that, do what you do. Good day.
How does that happen?
.
.
I woke for every alarm. I got up for each, feeling pretty good, certain I was up. I turned each of the three alarm clocks off, my mind sure that I was awake and ready to go. I don't ever remember returning to bed. I ended up, in an odd way, sleeping right three three alarms. And it feels more like I snuck out of bed than that I ever really woke up. No doubt I have been pushing things. Shoveling snow, even with a snow blower, may be a normal operation for many of you. You might not want to do it, but you can and do finish it, on top of a week of work, on top of family necessities, on top of fun with the wife and kids. But for me, it IS nearly the calorie burn work of week and I can't always do that much. And I did stay up a long time. Beside getting up early, and pushing things a bit so as to avoid messing up my schedule, I got caught out. At about 17:00 , while blowing my nose it started to bleed. And it bled at a terrible pace, terrible enough that I was worried about just going to sleep with it, especially as tired as I was. I ended up not getting to bed until 23:00, meaning I was up nearly 24 hours. I really could have bled out if the nosebleed didn't stop. As is, I was on the verge of calling the V.A. A heavy six hour nose bleed? I kept having to change the block as the volume eventually came right through. Getting a new blood block in place was tricky as the blood was flowing at a serious pace. Who knows how much blood I drank. They say you can only drink a pint of blood before vomiting. I am telling you right now that is not true.
Never mind. It stopped and I finally slept. After three weeks, doing max activity on max doses of the 'gimp medicine', staying up nearly 24 hours, recently having pushed a car out of a ditch and clearing my driveway of snow, then finally (if this has an effect) bleeding out for six hours, I suppose getting up might be difficult. Anyway, I missed Mass. I just can't push it this morning. I doubt if on any particular morning, in this state, can I get up and out in an half hour. But today? I really thought to try but reality is it's own thing and time flew while I tried to grok it, beat time and my body. It was a doomed effort.
Still, I am pleased with my efforts. It isn't always about winning, not even about doing, it is about trying even when you have zero chance. Whether he knew it or not, Custer ultimately won if not personally. Keep your notions of that in your pocket if you weren't for his win, look at it objectively. Or, to put that in a way you (if a Christian) can understand it, Christ won, right through torture and death. My win, while nowhere near so grand as either of those, is grand in a petite personal way. Even when I lose, at least now.
While I am going to retreat just a hair this week, again, and do minimums, I am keeping my goals on my mind. I am going to do those minimums. I might do little extras, frills and finials as applied to baroque music. And God may call me to more. For the most part, however, I need to get back to basics for a bit. I need restful time, I need a little relaxation, and I need to do my routine and keep up my home. Those last are my focus. All else will be, temporarily, set aside. I will note, just that is more than I have ever been able to do. The retreat is minor and will be extremely (for me) temporary.
I keep looking for someone in my condition with whom to converse. What I find is that most people in my condition are bedridden, cared for by medical staff or family. They aren't available for frequent contact. I have to keep this in mind, too. I refuse that. I can't see how living like that, even if it means living longer, is worth it. Give up my successes? Give up my gains? No. And, to be honest with you, I don't think they will live longer. I have a belief that even if my heart doesn't improve it isn't going to kill me soon, if it might bite me when I push things.
Hmm, a bit of very minor house cleaning and laundry is in order though. After or during that, I need to figure out my week. A slightly different trajectory is needed than the one I had in mind. Good day.
.
I woke for every alarm. I got up for each, feeling pretty good, certain I was up. I turned each of the three alarm clocks off, my mind sure that I was awake and ready to go. I don't ever remember returning to bed. I ended up, in an odd way, sleeping right three three alarms. And it feels more like I snuck out of bed than that I ever really woke up. No doubt I have been pushing things. Shoveling snow, even with a snow blower, may be a normal operation for many of you. You might not want to do it, but you can and do finish it, on top of a week of work, on top of family necessities, on top of fun with the wife and kids. But for me, it IS nearly the calorie burn work of week and I can't always do that much. And I did stay up a long time. Beside getting up early, and pushing things a bit so as to avoid messing up my schedule, I got caught out. At about 17:00 , while blowing my nose it started to bleed. And it bled at a terrible pace, terrible enough that I was worried about just going to sleep with it, especially as tired as I was. I ended up not getting to bed until 23:00, meaning I was up nearly 24 hours. I really could have bled out if the nosebleed didn't stop. As is, I was on the verge of calling the V.A. A heavy six hour nose bleed? I kept having to change the block as the volume eventually came right through. Getting a new blood block in place was tricky as the blood was flowing at a serious pace. Who knows how much blood I drank. They say you can only drink a pint of blood before vomiting. I am telling you right now that is not true.
Never mind. It stopped and I finally slept. After three weeks, doing max activity on max doses of the 'gimp medicine', staying up nearly 24 hours, recently having pushed a car out of a ditch and clearing my driveway of snow, then finally (if this has an effect) bleeding out for six hours, I suppose getting up might be difficult. Anyway, I missed Mass. I just can't push it this morning. I doubt if on any particular morning, in this state, can I get up and out in an half hour. But today? I really thought to try but reality is it's own thing and time flew while I tried to grok it, beat time and my body. It was a doomed effort.
Still, I am pleased with my efforts. It isn't always about winning, not even about doing, it is about trying even when you have zero chance. Whether he knew it or not, Custer ultimately won if not personally. Keep your notions of that in your pocket if you weren't for his win, look at it objectively. Or, to put that in a way you (if a Christian) can understand it, Christ won, right through torture and death. My win, while nowhere near so grand as either of those, is grand in a petite personal way. Even when I lose, at least now.
While I am going to retreat just a hair this week, again, and do minimums, I am keeping my goals on my mind. I am going to do those minimums. I might do little extras, frills and finials as applied to baroque music. And God may call me to more. For the most part, however, I need to get back to basics for a bit. I need restful time, I need a little relaxation, and I need to do my routine and keep up my home. Those last are my focus. All else will be, temporarily, set aside. I will note, just that is more than I have ever been able to do. The retreat is minor and will be extremely (for me) temporary.
I keep looking for someone in my condition with whom to converse. What I find is that most people in my condition are bedridden, cared for by medical staff or family. They aren't available for frequent contact. I have to keep this in mind, too. I refuse that. I can't see how living like that, even if it means living longer, is worth it. Give up my successes? Give up my gains? No. And, to be honest with you, I don't think they will live longer. I have a belief that even if my heart doesn't improve it isn't going to kill me soon, if it might bite me when I push things.
Hmm, a bit of very minor house cleaning and laundry is in order though. After or during that, I need to figure out my week. A slightly different trajectory is needed than the one I had in mind. Good day.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Oh, ouch.
.
.
I made it to my appointment just early enough to grab a bite to eat and then brush my teeth. The dentist did the final fix, and tossed in evening some chipped teeth. I went right home. Technically I had time to make it to Mass before taking my friend shopping. I simply had no energy. I half napped until it was time to pick him up. In spite of our haircuts somehow not making it to the scheduling book, we were able to be seen at the appointed time. After the haircuts, my friend wanted to go shopping. Files at Lowe's, a flat wrench at another store, and then milk. Dinner and then I let him off and headed home.
I am teetering, exhausted. I thought I would go straight to bed upon returning home. I am rethinking that. I may try to hold out a few hours so as not to mess up my schedule too much. I sent an email suggesting anyone going to the next initiation rites group and go. I would be willing to drive, or go along if someone else will drive. This week is extremely busy. Tomorrow I really need to make it to Mass and try to see or schedule a visit with my priest. The day after I have to get my home in order. Thursday I have a Thanksgiving meal to attend, Friday I will be going to the above mentioned next set of initiation rites, and Saturday and Sunday I need to make Mass in order to get three Masses in. I am so very tired.
Then again, I didn't think I would be able to get everything done today. I nearly snoozed and missed the trip to town. I really didn't want to go. I didn't even feel like going to the dentist this morning. As I have said, my new way of thinking is, if at all possible, just do it. Well, I am. If I don't do everything, I certainly give it all I have.
Good night.
.
I made it to my appointment just early enough to grab a bite to eat and then brush my teeth. The dentist did the final fix, and tossed in evening some chipped teeth. I went right home. Technically I had time to make it to Mass before taking my friend shopping. I simply had no energy. I half napped until it was time to pick him up. In spite of our haircuts somehow not making it to the scheduling book, we were able to be seen at the appointed time. After the haircuts, my friend wanted to go shopping. Files at Lowe's, a flat wrench at another store, and then milk. Dinner and then I let him off and headed home.
I am teetering, exhausted. I thought I would go straight to bed upon returning home. I am rethinking that. I may try to hold out a few hours so as not to mess up my schedule too much. I sent an email suggesting anyone going to the next initiation rites group and go. I would be willing to drive, or go along if someone else will drive. This week is extremely busy. Tomorrow I really need to make it to Mass and try to see or schedule a visit with my priest. The day after I have to get my home in order. Thursday I have a Thanksgiving meal to attend, Friday I will be going to the above mentioned next set of initiation rites, and Saturday and Sunday I need to make Mass in order to get three Masses in. I am so very tired.
Then again, I didn't think I would be able to get everything done today. I nearly snoozed and missed the trip to town. I really didn't want to go. I didn't even feel like going to the dentist this morning. As I have said, my new way of thinking is, if at all possible, just do it. Well, I am. If I don't do everything, I certainly give it all I have.
Good night.
Some sleep.
.
.
I think I was able to sleep five, maybe six hours. I woke and could not get back to sleep. So, I got up and started on the apple crisp. I had hoped to knock out some dishes and laundry too, but the crisp has eaten my time. I am baking the apples a bit first, then I will add the topping, a quarter of it mixed in with the apples, the rest on top. I had considered frying the apples first but it seemed like too much work.
I checked the weather. We may be getting more snow through the night but it should be rather light. Further, with the temps staying well below freezing, I am hoping that what precip we get will be fluffy snow. The road crew should have the roads in good condition. And yet I best leave early. I am trying to decide the best time to leave. A 3:00 start could see me waiting for three hours. But a 5:00 start might well see me late. Hmm, yeah, 4:00 seems the most likely time to leave. If I get in an accident it simply doesn't matter.
The temps are supposed to rise to 40 today, if you can trust that. If so, the drive back should be quite pleasant actually, save possibly for the pass. I have an afternoon appointment I must try and be back in time to make. My cellphone should make being a bit late not so much of a problem. If my appointment weren't so early I would try to change the afternoon appointment, make it a bit later in the day. As is, I will be getting worked on before the shop opens. I should know, when they finish, if I will need to reschedule for certain. If I can leave before 10:30, or even 11:00, I should be fine. I enjoy getting trimmed and neatened around the head and beard. I won't be having her cut too much though. I need my 'fur' for the season. I simply want to look good for the Thanksgiving dinner. As a very unlikely guest, being properly outfitted and arranged is a requirement. If my style truly passes muster is a whole other thing. I think I dress well but I have no idea what style is these days. From what I have seen I think I will stick with the classics, or what I know of them.
Apples are ready to be topped. Good day.
The apple crisp came out okay. I wouldn't write home about it or complain about it. It is what it is without being spectacular. Given that it is my first I can live with that. A shower, in just a bit, then a long dark drive. In spite of my schedule, after returning and hopefully getting a hair cut, and then finally coming home, I am going to sleep. I am going to try to sleep most of the day and night. Too much, too fast, too late, too long.
.
I think I was able to sleep five, maybe six hours. I woke and could not get back to sleep. So, I got up and started on the apple crisp. I had hoped to knock out some dishes and laundry too, but the crisp has eaten my time. I am baking the apples a bit first, then I will add the topping, a quarter of it mixed in with the apples, the rest on top. I had considered frying the apples first but it seemed like too much work.
I checked the weather. We may be getting more snow through the night but it should be rather light. Further, with the temps staying well below freezing, I am hoping that what precip we get will be fluffy snow. The road crew should have the roads in good condition. And yet I best leave early. I am trying to decide the best time to leave. A 3:00 start could see me waiting for three hours. But a 5:00 start might well see me late. Hmm, yeah, 4:00 seems the most likely time to leave. If I get in an accident it simply doesn't matter.
The temps are supposed to rise to 40 today, if you can trust that. If so, the drive back should be quite pleasant actually, save possibly for the pass. I have an afternoon appointment I must try and be back in time to make. My cellphone should make being a bit late not so much of a problem. If my appointment weren't so early I would try to change the afternoon appointment, make it a bit later in the day. As is, I will be getting worked on before the shop opens. I should know, when they finish, if I will need to reschedule for certain. If I can leave before 10:30, or even 11:00, I should be fine. I enjoy getting trimmed and neatened around the head and beard. I won't be having her cut too much though. I need my 'fur' for the season. I simply want to look good for the Thanksgiving dinner. As a very unlikely guest, being properly outfitted and arranged is a requirement. If my style truly passes muster is a whole other thing. I think I dress well but I have no idea what style is these days. From what I have seen I think I will stick with the classics, or what I know of them.
Apples are ready to be topped. Good day.
The apple crisp came out okay. I wouldn't write home about it or complain about it. It is what it is without being spectacular. Given that it is my first I can live with that. A shower, in just a bit, then a long dark drive. In spite of my schedule, after returning and hopefully getting a hair cut, and then finally coming home, I am going to sleep. I am going to try to sleep most of the day and night. Too much, too fast, too late, too long.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
That's it for today.
.
.
I did three of the five loads of laundry, down to hanging, folding, and putting things away. I did cook the roast, potatoes, and gravy. The dishes? The apple crisp? They simply aren't going to happen. I am absolutely done. I have fought to keep my eyes open. I am about to lose. I have to admit, sometimes life just hurts. If I can keep busy enough, laugh well enough, or such, sometimes I can ignore it. Today, as well, is one of those days where it isn't working. Tired and in pain I need some sleep.
It is snowing again. It makes me quite nervous for the trip tomorrow. I will be driving, for all I know, right through it. The trip will be much longer. I don't have much choice. The weather reports suggested today would be warmer and snow would be light if it came down at all. That seems to be a mistake, perhaps I misheard. One thing I am sure about is that the weather reports have been inaccurate lately, as usual actually. They simply put something up and change it when the last report didn't work out. I have stopped paying attention to the details of reports, merely catching trends.
No, I best hit the sack. I have put the food up. And it was good. As I may have mentioned, I don't truly care for pork. This roast wasn't just meat in my belly, it was actually pretty good. Simply, I did like it. And I am not even truly in the mood to put up with pork. I must have done something right. If I can get up right at 3:30, and jump to, I may clean some of the dishes. What worries me further is that I have a 13:30 haircut, my friend is depending on me to get there too. We both need a bit of a trim for certain. I just hope the snow isn't too heavy, doesn't stay too long, and that the road crews make the trip reasonable. Though I trust my vehicle and skills I know they can fail. More, I don't trust most other drivers. Cellphones are making normal driving dangerous. I can only imagine how murderous winter driving will now become.
Good night.
.
I did three of the five loads of laundry, down to hanging, folding, and putting things away. I did cook the roast, potatoes, and gravy. The dishes? The apple crisp? They simply aren't going to happen. I am absolutely done. I have fought to keep my eyes open. I am about to lose. I have to admit, sometimes life just hurts. If I can keep busy enough, laugh well enough, or such, sometimes I can ignore it. Today, as well, is one of those days where it isn't working. Tired and in pain I need some sleep.
It is snowing again. It makes me quite nervous for the trip tomorrow. I will be driving, for all I know, right through it. The trip will be much longer. I don't have much choice. The weather reports suggested today would be warmer and snow would be light if it came down at all. That seems to be a mistake, perhaps I misheard. One thing I am sure about is that the weather reports have been inaccurate lately, as usual actually. They simply put something up and change it when the last report didn't work out. I have stopped paying attention to the details of reports, merely catching trends.
No, I best hit the sack. I have put the food up. And it was good. As I may have mentioned, I don't truly care for pork. This roast wasn't just meat in my belly, it was actually pretty good. Simply, I did like it. And I am not even truly in the mood to put up with pork. I must have done something right. If I can get up right at 3:30, and jump to, I may clean some of the dishes. What worries me further is that I have a 13:30 haircut, my friend is depending on me to get there too. We both need a bit of a trim for certain. I just hope the snow isn't too heavy, doesn't stay too long, and that the road crews make the trip reasonable. Though I trust my vehicle and skills I know they can fail. More, I don't trust most other drivers. Cellphones are making normal driving dangerous. I can only imagine how murderous winter driving will now become.
Good night.
Are women pure nuts or just 99%?
.
.
Oh, hush, you. Listen to the tale before you pick up that rock. *ducks* I knew you wouldn't. Now settle yourself.
As you know, my goal was to wake early this morning. With my mind focused on it, it seems after a bit of a break from strain (sort of, minus snow removal and unditching a car) I have been able to awaken something from within. For two hours prior to 5:00, give or take, I had been waking. And promptly going back to bed. Far too early. Then I hear a phone call right at 5:00. I know who it is and why she is calling. That would be my neurotic sneaky lady friend. She would be calling at 5:00 so as to leave a message without talking to me. At nearly the speed of light I answer it. I smell fun. "Oh, you're awake"? "Why, yes I am, now". You have to induce guilt, and that 'caught you' feel. Well, I do. :)
She, it seems, is finally sending me the cayenne I had asked her to send. She is also sending 'other stuff', according to my spider senses. She has specific instructions for how to handle and open the package. I knew that meant she had other things in there. How to snoop without looking like I am snooping, because obviously she isn't just going to tell me. I know. And I do. No dice, but she didn't detect the snoop. All good. She did almost trip on the technical question. I at least got her to indicate that something(s) else was in the packaged. *grin* I like me sometimes. *grin*
In my letter I had indicated that if she ever gets clear, it would be nice if she paid me back. She said, "I thought this was a gift"? And I said, "I thought you had initially wanted a loan. I thought you would appreciate me offering you a chance to settle if that became possible". Her, "No, not really. I didn't appreciate that". I just played around with that until it became boring. Great fun. I really do enjoy squeaking mice. I should have been a cat. *squeak* Great fun indeed. Though I really did think she would appreciate that. Oh I would have sent most of it back, should she have repaid me. What I would have spent on her Christmas and birthday would have been sent back. Just not the whole amount, not all of it. Never mind.
Then she told me she is making beef broth. I asked how she was doing it. She explained some things. Then she noted she scraped the tallow and disposed of it. I suggested she not waste such fine fats. She said beef fats are saturated, and she would not tolerate such fats. I suggested meat fats are indeed good for us, and that we need 30%, 33% more precisely iirc, in our diet. No, no, no, she will eat what she wants, and thanked me not so kindly for my concerns and notions. Her choice. If she lived closer, in spite of my notions of her notions, I would ask for the tallow. Then again, I always ate the fat from the beef I made her. She would cut it off and set it aside. To her horror and with a grimace on her face, I would gobble all the fats on the table, with a flicker of the joy I am exhibiting here and now. See, women are good for something, fats and giggles! She then suggested, all doctoring up, that a man in "my condition" shouldn't be eating fats. And I told her that my arteries are clearer than any doctor's conscience. My heart condition is related to an infection of some sort, not poor diet. "Oh, an infection"? "That is correct". "Oh". We ended our little romantic swirl on that note. Truly I do love women. Never... mind! She truly does hate me, in a way(s). I am only just slightly disappointed she didn't say it. I suppose, even for her, saying "I hate you!" while calling to thank me is a bit too... wrong. Women can have scruples when it suits them. Or she remembered how much I enjoyed it. *big grins* All boxed in, no wonder women hate us.
But this time I did decide to wake. It will be a hard day, this I know. I couldn't sleep until 1:00, so a 5:00 wake up is going to make for a very long day. I must be up earlier than this tomorrow morning. I am guessing 3:30, at the latest, must see my feet on the floor for a 7:30 SLC dental appointment. Ugh.
At least I had great fun in this wakening. *squeak* *squeak* Have a great day. Hmm, I never did peel those potatoes. I might get that done before my shower and the visit. The missionaries will be by to pick me up at a bit before 9:00. I didn't want to go in on my own. Crowds and all. At least I have met some of the congregants, and worked with a few others. Ugh, now to go through my morning routines and begin fiddling with a few chores before heading out. Though it is a Sunday, I have been lagging lately. So to make up I wish to do the dishes and begin on laundry today. God surely must know by now that when I get the chance to function I have to take it, even on the Sabbath.
Well, maybe not so much before going. I did get my routine done, my bed made, laundry sorted, and the first load in. Most of my slacks, thankfully, are machine washable, if I will do the four pair with a very few other specific items. I am guessing four, maybe five loads, when all is said and done. Mostly small loads as I really sort things fairly stringently. The dishes languor, potatoes wait, but it is enough. I often plan for too much with too little time, especially when I am doing well. Mania? Nope, hope.
Have a great day!
.
Oh, hush, you. Listen to the tale before you pick up that rock. *ducks* I knew you wouldn't. Now settle yourself.
As you know, my goal was to wake early this morning. With my mind focused on it, it seems after a bit of a break from strain (sort of, minus snow removal and unditching a car) I have been able to awaken something from within. For two hours prior to 5:00, give or take, I had been waking. And promptly going back to bed. Far too early. Then I hear a phone call right at 5:00. I know who it is and why she is calling. That would be my neurotic sneaky lady friend. She would be calling at 5:00 so as to leave a message without talking to me. At nearly the speed of light I answer it. I smell fun. "Oh, you're awake"? "Why, yes I am, now". You have to induce guilt, and that 'caught you' feel. Well, I do. :)
She, it seems, is finally sending me the cayenne I had asked her to send. She is also sending 'other stuff', according to my spider senses. She has specific instructions for how to handle and open the package. I knew that meant she had other things in there. How to snoop without looking like I am snooping, because obviously she isn't just going to tell me. I know. And I do. No dice, but she didn't detect the snoop. All good. She did almost trip on the technical question. I at least got her to indicate that something(s) else was in the packaged. *grin* I like me sometimes. *grin*
In my letter I had indicated that if she ever gets clear, it would be nice if she paid me back. She said, "I thought this was a gift"? And I said, "I thought you had initially wanted a loan. I thought you would appreciate me offering you a chance to settle if that became possible". Her, "No, not really. I didn't appreciate that". I just played around with that until it became boring. Great fun. I really do enjoy squeaking mice. I should have been a cat. *squeak* Great fun indeed. Though I really did think she would appreciate that. Oh I would have sent most of it back, should she have repaid me. What I would have spent on her Christmas and birthday would have been sent back. Just not the whole amount, not all of it. Never mind.
Then she told me she is making beef broth. I asked how she was doing it. She explained some things. Then she noted she scraped the tallow and disposed of it. I suggested she not waste such fine fats. She said beef fats are saturated, and she would not tolerate such fats. I suggested meat fats are indeed good for us, and that we need 30%, 33% more precisely iirc, in our diet. No, no, no, she will eat what she wants, and thanked me not so kindly for my concerns and notions. Her choice. If she lived closer, in spite of my notions of her notions, I would ask for the tallow. Then again, I always ate the fat from the beef I made her. She would cut it off and set it aside. To her horror and with a grimace on her face, I would gobble all the fats on the table, with a flicker of the joy I am exhibiting here and now. See, women are good for something, fats and giggles! She then suggested, all doctoring up, that a man in "my condition" shouldn't be eating fats. And I told her that my arteries are clearer than any doctor's conscience. My heart condition is related to an infection of some sort, not poor diet. "Oh, an infection"? "That is correct". "Oh". We ended our little romantic swirl on that note. Truly I do love women. Never... mind! She truly does hate me, in a way(s). I am only just slightly disappointed she didn't say it. I suppose, even for her, saying "I hate you!" while calling to thank me is a bit too... wrong. Women can have scruples when it suits them. Or she remembered how much I enjoyed it. *big grins* All boxed in, no wonder women hate us.
But this time I did decide to wake. It will be a hard day, this I know. I couldn't sleep until 1:00, so a 5:00 wake up is going to make for a very long day. I must be up earlier than this tomorrow morning. I am guessing 3:30, at the latest, must see my feet on the floor for a 7:30 SLC dental appointment. Ugh.
At least I had great fun in this wakening. *squeak* *squeak* Have a great day. Hmm, I never did peel those potatoes. I might get that done before my shower and the visit. The missionaries will be by to pick me up at a bit before 9:00. I didn't want to go in on my own. Crowds and all. At least I have met some of the congregants, and worked with a few others. Ugh, now to go through my morning routines and begin fiddling with a few chores before heading out. Though it is a Sunday, I have been lagging lately. So to make up I wish to do the dishes and begin on laundry today. God surely must know by now that when I get the chance to function I have to take it, even on the Sabbath.
Well, maybe not so much before going. I did get my routine done, my bed made, laundry sorted, and the first load in. Most of my slacks, thankfully, are machine washable, if I will do the four pair with a very few other specific items. I am guessing four, maybe five loads, when all is said and done. Mostly small loads as I really sort things fairly stringently. The dishes languor, potatoes wait, but it is enough. I often plan for too much with too little time, especially when I am doing well. Mania? Nope, hope.
Have a great day!
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