Always something.

.
.
I do make the attempt.  I do as good as I can do.  I push, aim, arrange, figure, sweat, and bleed to make things work.  Even so, things just slip.  Medicine.  I don't think it has been more than a day or two.  And I can, and will, get right back on it.  I don't think I missed too much so that I will have to crawl out of trouble.  But I am a bit off.  I may lose a day or two.  And I did notice before all hell broke out.  I will say it is not fair.  I will also admit that, while that is true, that isn't an excuse, or even reason, to surrender or even to cover for mistakes.  It's simply one more hurdle with which we all must contend.  So... back on meds.

As for today?  I don't know.  I wondered why things were slowing, didn't get to much, though some, yesterday.  I was dragging and could not find the sweet-spot I knew should have been there.  Later in the day, or as I went to bed I think more likely, I realized the problem.  I am hoping to at least kick out the dishes, at least a general wash, and then take a shower today.  If I can get that done, then maybe work a bit more in the living room.  It's possible.  Not likely, not probable, simply possible.  Oh, and start meds back up.  Mostly just woke.  Days and nights are slipping, though they were before medicines slipped.  So little sun, then add in overcast days and...  They all feed each other.  Some of it I can do something about, some of it not so much.  Back to doing what I can about what I can though.

Sleep is pretty good.  I am not in any real pain.  Life is actually fine, today.  Yeah, I'll just get back onboard and cruise as if nothing went wrong.  And, maybe, that will be good enough this time.  Later.

Some things are coming together.

.
.
I am about to hit dishes... once dinner has settled.  Eggs.  Nothing terribly fancy, and yet I wanted to do just a bit more than plain.  My hunger is terrible lately.  As if I could eat a bear.  And, if put to it, I just might.  My hunger has replaced the drive that had been for fluid.  This is a good sign, a sign of health returning.  I spent three or four days eating and eating and eating.  Getting out, whether sneaking or doing it properly, and eating each time.  Eating lots of food, until it hurt, actually.  HUNGRY!!!  At this point I am trying to... slow that down.  So, an four egg omelet was the plan.  I added cheese at the end, cream into the eggs for a bit of fluff, and spent a bit by slicing green olives to be added.  Delicious, and petite, at least compared to more recent meals.

Dishes will be hit shortly.  Then some more work in the living room.  Just before posting this, I was nailing some things down for my computer.  I have decided to put the thing together, for the most part, but stall on the OS until next month.  I have decided to go with a raid 10, which means more drives.  But I wanted true ssd's.  No, not top of the line.  And rather small.  But very good mid-weights.  The two hybrids will go into a raid 1 config.  Why?  Security (of data), and performance, for the raid 10.  Simple security (of data) for raid 1.  I should be able to boot quite quickly this way.  The ssd's, however, aren't in the budget until next month.  Yes, I am having fun and going out a bit on this build.  Oh... even so, it is still quite reasonable.  As the video board fades, say in six months to a year, I will probably add a twin.  Two cards will keep the system near the top for... some time.  Even if just having one board, currently, is just slightly over average.

I have considered updating the hp I am using, for a bit more life.  It is an old machine, boasting a well out-of-date amd am2+ socket, and not even a top of the line chip (if it probably was at the time, or near it).  The memory is at 7, the board will only accept 8gb, not sure it is worth it to try to find, then buy, that extra gb, and of ddr2 memory.  Not sure it's available, if I am pretty sure the cost to advantage for the boost just wouldn't really be there.  A 1, perhaps 2gb video card might really help, as well as the fastest sata I hard drive I could find.  Sata I, or II?  Something.  I have the link to the manufacturer model and serial number machine.  In any case, a fast hdd, hybrid, or ssd would really bring some life to this old machine, make it useful for a rather longish time.  Though those things might require a new power source.  It has a 300 watt system.  But the stock power sources are pretty ratty in most prebuilts.  That's their margin builder.  Why?  Having two machines allows backup, and offers a means of figuring out what component failed when something goes wrong.  Plus... it's something to do.

Yes.  Dishes, then maybe another shower, or even a bath.  And then on to the living room.  I really am digging down in.  The goal, if I can get to it tonight, is to have the full area for microfacturing (nano?) the computer ready.  Dusting, vacuuming, setting out the mat, figuring out which outlet I can use, and putting parts within easy reach.  If I can do that much, I may try to clear off the other couch and the side table/lamp stand.  And, maybe, breaking down boxes.  Lots and lots of boxes.  I might even put those into the back of the Xter so that, if I make it to town Friday, I can get those in too.  Yes, I am enjoying this.  I am trying.  I love it when I have things to do, even if I keep stalling and adding and... stalling... and adding.  :p

Hmm.  Something to sip.  Then a bit of a rest, research can be daunting.  Then on to wherever I can.  Later.

I ended up crashing just after that last post.

.
.
It's like I hit a wall.  I went to bed very late... 2:30 to 4:00, somewhere in there.  Couldn't sleep, that is slipping.  So waking at 6:00 or 7:00 was going to make it tough.  Why I woke I can't say, but I woke as if booting fully in a second.  Not a usual wake, so something woke me.  Might have been the girls, or a very loud vehicle, or someone around the house.  Ah, a package was delivered, that might have been it?  No... not that early.  The package must have arrived after I went back to bed.  I then didn't wake until 13:30 or so.

It got chilly last night.  This morning, I believe shortly after the first wake, the thermo suggested it had gotten down to 38, at least.  It is overcast, so probably hasn't warmed much during the day.  Hmm...  Why did it seem to daylight bright so early?  I don't know.  Maybe I was more asleep still, and couldn't put things together correctly, than I thought?  It just seems as if it was relatively bright when I woke already.  Didn't need lights.  And, yet, most mornings, at that time now, the sun isn't close to being up?  Bleh...  I'll... think on that one.  Odd though.  I sometimes really wonder if I do indeed live in some sort of artificial environment, such as the Matrix.  If you are an half click out of things, they can really play with your gourd.  Between your conscious shy mind and even minor doses of medication, they can really tinker in there.  Not sure how they could attenuate, alter, or direct your thinking/dreams.  Though if they have mind patterning down, they might be able to do so to some degree, even if they aren't fully able to know what they are doing.  It wouldn't have to be the whole population... just one guy, in a coma, off the grid, who the government allows them to play with.  Unmarried veterans would be an easy mark.  And, no, I have no doubts they would work us over if they could.

On the good side of things, since, or because of, the crash, I am feeling good, better, ready to... actually to probably take another nap shortly, then get some work done when I get the need for sleep out of my system, one way or another.  Perhaps coffee, or coffee and a shower, will do it.  I'll wash the dishes first, set them out, shower, then put them back in for a soak.  Yeah, remember, they have their own little plastic tub that I use for a wash basin.  Even I have... ill thoughts about washing my body and dishes in the same place.  Bleh!  I'm... nervous about weird stuff... and that idea, to me, is weird... unless you really scrub a standard use tub after personal washes.  I keep it clean, but not every time, thus a little tub for in the tub.  Plus, a full tub of water is a lot more water than I want to use for dishes.  I do live in a desert, mostly.

Oh, what arrived today was a... curiosity.  Someone suggested something about mooncakes, a Chinese rare delight, only served rarely... one short period of time per year, and this was that time.  It's a cake, and... filling, all surrounding a cooked salted egg yolk.  I received several.  Okay.  I have eaten half of one.  And, I have to say, this is not my favorite.  There are other flavors.  This one is lotus seed, I believe.  But there is red bean, mung bean, and several other types.  I ordered several.  Unfortunately, I could either order some with salted egg yolks but all the same flavor or a multi-flavor pack but without the yolks.  I will offer these to some folk who might enjoy at least the experience.  As, while I will probably not consume these again, save as a social gesture if called upon, I do like that I have tried something totally foreign and with only the slightest of encouragement.  Both are good things.  Perhaps I can lend that on.  I'm chalking this up as a good thing.  I do suspect that a pastry chef who knows how to do these, and makes them fresh and without the need for preservatives, these might be much better.  Think packaged apple pie versus mom's fully home-made apple pie.  Yeah.  So, I... would like to try these fresh, someday, if the opportunity arises.

Oh.  While I work in the living room, soon or later this day, I won't be stopping at just arranging a work area.  I am hoping to open the living room back up, fully.  Even to where I vacuum, and wet/steam vac, again.  I may be onto another push to get and keep the cave clean.  Health might be returning.  It is worth the effort, if I have it to spend.  Later.

Rough and gruff.

.
.
Oh, reasons, perhaps.  Not enough, not nearly enough, sleep.  Still feeling a bit battered about the margins, and more.  Though to be truth, feeling battered is better than feeling green about the gills.  Still, battered is bruised is painful.  I have started being hungry again.  While a good sign, it is... a driving factor, one I am not quite ready to manage fully.  I did make it to town, bought milk, fruits, eggs, butter, and cream... so, with a few other things, perhaps I can manage some feeding needs.  And, of course, what is happening in the world.

Republicans are absolutely flouting that they don't give a flying fuck what the base and more and more independents want.  Choosing Ryan, a worse cuckservative than even Boehner, to fill that position tells me that there is no conservative power, or will, in D.C.  Our politicians are actively, and brutally, anti-American at this point.  My guess is they realized how easy it was to sell out to rich Americans, but realized the rest of the world had even richer people and chose to open the bidding for their votes to those as well.  Chinese government and billionaires, muslim oil barons, even minor despots here and there, all vying for a US vote.  No wonder our "reps" see no reason for a border.  At this point, resisting this government in every way possible, until it is broken and defeated or begins a shooting war at which point we will see how that plays out, is the only way forward.  I am calling broken arrow.  The enemy is not just in camp, they are in C&C and putting out bad calls.  Resist, fully.

I did, since I got out obviously, get another shower in.  Love those.  A bath would be better, I just don't have the energy.  Plus, I set the dishes up after the shower last not.  Then, to town and shopping.  Plus, when I returned home, I began tearing into the living room.  I have the loveseat open, and part of the short table (coffee table really) that I will be working on.  I had forgotten to buy something.  The fans I wanted.  I had forgotten that I had held off on those until the case arrived and I could give it a solid review.  Various online sources had... either contradictory or confusing (comparing one to another) views on what the case could actually hold as far as fans go... and what came with it.  Those were ordered and should be here by Friday.  More time, which I ended up needing, to get that area sorted.  And, I think, Friday is payday.  A good thing, as I have some gifts to get (if available), and a new power protector outlet... for the second machine and to ensure grounding through the power supply while I work on the machine.  Bleh.

Oh, something I just realized a few days ago.  As bad as it might seem, life truly has improved.  As for the bad?  Most likely I am simply more aware of it.  It isn't worse, mostly, even if it seems like it.  This is the first year since I have been ill in which I was able to figure out calendars... the type you hang on the wall?  Yep.  Just changing them at, or near, the first of each month.  This is the first year I have been able to be aware of the flow of time enough to do that.  Not even in college was I able to do that.  A simple thing, but... a huge thing.  Even last year, there were months that would go by without me noticing the change.

Well, on to... waking?  Yes.  Later.

Well, maybe.

.
.
Okay.  Not bad.  I actually finished the laundry yesterday.  Not only washing, but yes, folding or hanging and putting it all away.  I finished the last of the old dishes I had going for so long, and collected all the "new" dirty dishes.  After a shower, those will go in.  And the electronics mat arrived, with the last of the items I bought.  The only thing that might hang things a bit is wanting to add a few fans.  Perhaps they can be found locally though.  The size, for some, is the problem... 230 mm fans aren't exactly typical.  Black would be fine, but blue would be better.

I didn't just go with standard whatall, for the computer.  And yet I didn't push the style envelope, just a few touches.  It's sort of like when buying a new car.  Sure, you can get the leather interior, the hyper-tech package, the whitewalls (don't offer those these days, innit?), or whatnot.  But really, go with what you need, the color you want if possible, a few luxuries, but stick with the basics.  Going over too far and you end up with a one of a kind.  Sounds good until you need to fix something.  Same with computers.  Still, I allowed for a bit of play, to my liking.  Sad thing is, others might not even know.  I remember a middle aged woman who had foot problems.  Her husband suggested that she chose style over comfort or health with her shoes.  I... don't think, from the look on his face, that I said the right thing.  I will tell you, however, that many rich people have really sucky taste.  I guess their taste is by price?  Exclusiveness is more important than the rest?  Because her shoes, and trust me on this darlings, looked like little old lady shoes.  My lady of the time heard the whole thing.  Oh, she agreed with me, but was such a suckup that she was ashamed I had spoken the truth.  *grins*  I like dames, more so when I do my thing with them.  Good fight, Good God, good sex.  *wink*

Anyway...  A shower, then a soak for the new dishes.  Then a bit of a rest, and... who knows.  I might move on to a few, or many, other tasks.  Sleep is off, but I'm not going to let that get in the way.  Work the hours you are awake, don't try to force a schedule you can't keep.  I've learned that over and over and over and it finally stuck.  If I can't work, then I'll hit the schedule.  Do what you can, when you can.  Don't just do something, sit there, if all else fails.  Which... it does, from time to time.  Simply not my preferred however.

Now that I'm finished twisting notions and causing nose bleeds from this or that, I'll... go get wet.  *smile*  It's as close as taking a long walk off a short pier as you get, so hold it dear.  Later.

I've known my share.

.
.
Dunno, just daydreaming as I was going through my last few days.  Something was bubbling up.  Then I saw a song and thought, oh, so... that's the deal.  Yeah.  Those I have known have been mild to maximum.  I have learned that, save for some of the special cases, to know one is to choose or make one.  Every once in a while there is one just because.

New day, new week.

.
.
My bedtime keeps slipping.  With it, of course, my wake time is getting later.  No real fuss, with the sun becoming more like a distant cousin than a household family member, and cool returning, this is more likely to happen.  Feeling a bit rough, haven't sloughed that since I cut back insulin.  Not sure it was just about that, if that didn't help.  More, I am still not sure about supply.  Keeps the cage rattled.

I forgot to take the trash to the curb last night, or get the last bag to the big bin.  I woke, I think, in time to get that done, if I hurried.  Which I did.  The girls aren't used to me moving that fast first thing.  They are still, usually, sleepy too first thing.  Remember that cats sleep off and on all day.  Sleep, then food, then voiding.  You get everything that remains... expect for their grooming time, play time (though they might use you in some of that), and some other things.  Okay, lets face it... humans are great big, warmed, lounges... with massage and scratching built in.  But not the belly!  In any case, all moved quickly enough that, in his hasted, the cave ogre didn't run over or step on any delicate part of the other residents.  Though I think it may have been close.  Sassy always gives me a funny look when she has been made to scamper, or even fear.  Sam doesn't really care.  She'll write it in her book and balance the books later, doesn't bother with dirty or weird or hurt feeling looks.

I should know within an hour or two if I made it out early enough.  While they have actually quieted the trucks quite a bit, they are still fairly loud, slow, or more deliberate, roving devices.  Strange now, that no one gets out.  I almost don't think about it, but it used to be that someone drove and someone would hop out and dump the trash in.  I guess there were too many men hurt doing that.  You know, for equality's sake, why didn't women ever demand equal opportunity in that job?  If they don't do the bad, why should they be allowed to enjoy the good?  If equality is to be entertained, let us entertain it fully, in a mandatory way, as it is half being done currently.

Awake, not too gruff, not at all actually, and ready for... something.  Or I will be before long.  I just need to wake.  Later.

New tech, old problems.

.
.
Windows 7?  Better for stability, and gaming.  Also full of holes.  Not as bad as 8, 8.1, and definitely not as bad as 10.  Those leave the doors unlocked, windows open, and provide maps to private data, not just for MS but for .gov, .corp, .mil, .int, .cop, but .crook too.  More holes than a "no shooting" sign in backwater Iowa.  Just getting it hooked up without becoming infected is a trick.  Can't trust service providers, they sold out and give up on any request without ever even letting you know you are directly being hacked.  Black courts decide, or more rubber stamp, the decision to flout your God given rights.

No, probably can't really win, but I can make them earn their blood money.  And, so, I am looking at ways of doing this and that.  The thing is, if you go too far in the opposite direction of .gov you land in a pure .crook.  They are quite similar.  One just wants all your information, connections, proclivities, and such.  The other is really only interested in your accounts.  Both, given enough laxity from scrutiny, will kill you dead, only the reasons are slightly different, up front.  In the end they are the same, to cover their sins... which, oddly, they deny exist.  Stalin didn't like the world to know that he murdered 40 million of his own, at least.  In spite of not believing, somehow, that the butchery was evil.  Odd how even those without a conscience or understanding of God know what they do is evil.  As to what is going on in the Catholic church?  Just understand, Stalin was well trained by the Jesuits.  Yeah, really should ban that group from the church, for good and all.

Anyway... there are little ways and whiles.  None of them are perfect.  None of them will work if your system is already jacked.  Assume all Windows machines connected to the internet for any time are hacked.  So... best to do these sorts of things before introducing viruses, trojans, and the like.  Might even look at how to freeze off components, once installed.  Flashing, erasing, eliminating.  The problem is that there are so many components with their own sorts of memory.  Some are required, but may be infected.  Anything made in China is suspect.  Did you read that sentence?  Yes, it's true.

Don't think of this as paranoia.  These are simply the facts.  If you aren't aware of them, that doesn't change their nature.  You probably don't know that you can only fall just so fast through space... actually through that atmosphere.  You will only "fall" in space if there is a significantly dense mass close enough to pull you.  There is a limit as to how fast you can fall in the atmosphere due to a number of factors, it is called the terminal velocity.  Due to friction and a few other things, this may vary from object to object, object to person, and person to person.  Just because you did not know that does not make it not so, nor does me knowing it make me... confused.  I'll happily bet money on it.  Why don't you know?  Because it is too difficult for most to handle, change, without, you know, actually realizing the fix we are in, and even so, most are too weak to challenge authority.  And... it might be dangerous to attempt to sidestep, trip that up, or figure a way to be invisible.  But it is true.

Still, I am looking at ways.  I figure most security suites are corrupted.  Men in black have visited and laid out the rules, big corporations have suggested their OS's won't operate without holes for themselves, other .corps, and .gov.  And courts have been corrupted to rule silently, and against freedom.  So, I have to look at this practically.  I might be able to create small windows of privacy.  I might be able to shut off snooper for a bit.  But the game is rigged.  Still, if I can get it to work, just a bit...  We'll see.

Just... mansplaining a few things for the world.  Manspreading, ideologically, for all to see.  Yeah.  I'm not a modern man.  I'm a real one.  With a bit of a penchant for not going along to get along.  *wink*  The machine isn't together, and the last of the last (save maybe a few connectors or extenders) should be in by Tuesday, so a start probably Wednesday.  So I have a bit of time to try to figure out how to set things as cautiously as possible.  James Bond never had to do these things quite so diy, mostly.  But then they almost always knew what, or who, he was doing.  Not my gig.

Oh, and I may have found the type of dog I want.  Maybe?  What do you think?  I'm thinking... easy to clean up after, cheap to feed, no worries about frostbitten paws in winter or overheating in summer.  Can take everywhere, if I can teach him to be quiet.  And, while not a fighter, an excellent dog to lead off a major predator or act as a barking alarm that is difficult to quiet!

ht Blur Brain

Very short on sleep.

.
.
Playing like I was a kid, I was up all night.  There were a number of topics I was doing rough research regarding, interspersed with old music and trying to rebuild some of the lost video elements from the past.  Sometimes I just don't remember what song fit that spot, sometimes that music video is gone and even if I do remember, I can't find another copy, or suitable version, of it.  I was up until 6:30?  Something.  And I am waking right at 10:30.  Not sure how well this will go.  Sometimes it works perfectly, as a life reset.  Sometimes the stumble causes me to crash and burn at speed.  Odd how when I have a woman these things begin to balance.  I still run the clock, either asleep or awake, from time to time.  But I recover quicker, usually much quicker.  She becomes, mostly, my internal clock.

I'm not feeling bad for the overnighter.  Not yet anyway.  I dreamed of dealing with a woman, several times, last night.  How do you put things?  When speaking to a woman, you put them differently.  Do you wish her attention and action?  Do you want her alliance?  Are you going to use her to burn something for you?  You, as a man, are the lead.  Whether conscious or not, whether with intent or not, when you begin the thing, you do lead regardless.  She WILL follow.  She will, rightly or wrongly, love or hate you for it.  Not that either mean a thing if you are to do what is right in the full breadth of that meaning.  Many men simply can't live with being in charge.  Much as many parents can't handle being in charge.  Ask any teacher where that goes.  A headless family is no different.  Better to have a poor leader than none.  Women are not leaders.

Being a leader isn't about getting what you want, either.  It's about serving.  Why do you think the head of the family is literally, biblically, compared to being Christ, and the wife is considered the Holy Church?  What did Christ do for the Holy Church?  He lived, He taught, He sacrificed, He returned to life even then and returned to help a bit more, and He will return again.  I'm as close to a man who can do that since, if less than many husbands in other ways... or so far.  My problem was I tried to believe women were equal (in order that I could abandon them at some point in their frustrated protestations at my leadership).  Then again, modern women are in on that gig.  Which is why most divorces are initiated by women.  They, even in modernity, 'do their daddy's will".  I just, back when I didn't see, didn't bother to marry.

Anyway.  As much as I understand there is much that I don't, some that I never will.  We aren't machines, we aren't coded, what works there won't work here.  Marriage is a patchwork of mutual forgivenesses, bindings, bits of work, and in the end a talent.  The relationship itself, in a fallen world, tries to be worldly and end.  It takes a lot of effort, on both sides, to mold it, then maintain it.  Sometimes on a wing and a prayer, sometimes without the wing.

It was good, even if just in dreams, to have a woman look to me for answers again.  Oh, they don't really want answers.  In one sense.  And yet that is what they get when they ask, and they do ask.  Never worry if they disregard your answers.  My finest women haven't just been miracle girls, they have been my favored 'no' girls.  I expect, often, them to initially not want or like or accept that answer.  In time, if I told them true, sometimes I see that they have taken my answer as if they had always believed it.  Arguing only delays that.  Not on everything, on much.  Though, make sure you leave some things very open for her to disagree.  First, beside being a woman... a disagreeable sort if I ever saw such... she is also just a human, and must tender notions all her own, even if, deep down, or even closer to the surface, she knows them to be wrong.  When I speed five miles over the limit?  Same thing.  *wink*  You, as the husband, are an authority.  As such, you must, in some varied ways, be resisted.  Just... keep an eye on how far.  Inch... mile... Just... saying.

Oh, today?  I'm going to work if I can hit that sweet spot.  I haven't been doing much, but a little.  I will keep that up.  I'm doing more work trying to get to work than I am working.  Some sort of bottleneck of ill health I suppose.  That don't confront me none, so long as I get food once in a while and give it my best.  Later.

Not great, not bad.

.
.
Some things started.  Not much, but...  I'll be folding and putting up the towels shortly.  Then hitting the last of the dishes, at least what I rounded up last time.  A shower after that.  Then, maybe, setting up another grouping of dishes.  Not much to do, as far as extra dishes.  Just a sinkload or so.  If I can jump on that, I might finish with dishes for the week.

I looked around for games, pc games, that didn't require Steam or other online memberships.  I think they will begin hitting resistance.  Then again, most gamers are kids.  Rational thinking, or even privacy, aren't an issue for them.  Funny thing is, I need less privacy than they, and desire, and push for it, far more strongly.  If this government is the future, they will wish they had chosen privacy when they go for a raise, sometime in the future, only to be told the government says no, in spite of being in the "private" sector.  Or they are turned down for education.  Though men have stopped going to college.  Some colleges are seeing a 70% female population.  Education, at this point, is pretty useless.  Still, it will come back to haunt them, all of them.  SWJ's are in charge.  Sure, there is GamerGate.  But that is in one small area, and not even truly driven by conservatives.  There are as many liberals in that group as not.  Can't last.  If a group isn't fundamentally against liberal ideas, it always turns into a liberal institution.  Always.

Hmm...  It is a good day though.  I'm still a bit rough, though without pain.  I can see through slits in the curtains out onto a wonderful fall day.  I am enjoying.  Now that I have some things worked out, and Sassy is old enough not to be a psycho around insects, I can probably replace some curtains.  I got the thick thermal defense type.  But they have holes in them, as if shot by a tiny machine gun.  Sassy went after a type of bug I just couldn't keep out.  Not a truly problem bug, just if you have certain trees, or such, they gather.  And in such numbers that they can't be kept out.  She couldn't eat them, they have a nasty taste so I have heard, a self defense.  But she could sure kill them!  She has mellowed, and I have found stuff that has taken care of them, mostly.  Now I can replace the curtains, and probably add sheers, so as to have a varying amount of light, visibility, and heat/cold defense.  Soon.  Takes a long time for things to all match up and work out, doesn't it?  Just noticed that I can finally have new, and upgraded, window dressings.  Yum.

I would love to go shopping, maybe get a bite to eat.  Not sure that is possible.  Lots of stuff to do between now and what would be then.  Still, it's on my mind.  Later.

Up and at it.

.
.
I think I beat 10:00.  I only let the girls in a few times a week, and yet they still help.  They have learned to knock on my door, or make other noises in the house.  Yes, I do have furry little fanged children.  And they want me awake.  Now that I don't feed them right when I wake, and the time can vary from a few to many hours before I feed them, they aren't as... insistent.  And yet they do like attention.  So... *tap, tap, tap*... *meow*...  even the forlorn mewl of a starving feline, left to the wilds.  They sound so sad.  It is, for me, truly entertaining.  Several sorts of skits they play for me.  I have seen children do these things too.

I wasn't able to get as far on my work list yesterday as I had hoped.  From what I saw, the power supply had not arrived.  That... sort of killed it for me, a bit.  Oh, I did some good work, just not to where I had wanted and even more hoped to go and do.  Yes, grownups can pout, or get hurt feelings, and then not play their part well.  Still, I did get some nice little chunks done and am in good enough shape to do more today.  More, after checking online at the vendor, I was informed that the item had arrived.  Huh?  I was about to bite a head off, or my version of that, when I decided to make a last physical check.  Not in the back, but on the front step, there it was.  I checked the site.  It seems it was delivered at 20:51(?or later).  Wow, that is the latest I have ever received a package.  I hadn't been tracking it since it didn't look like it had actually been sent just a day earlier... I just assumed it would be late.  So... now my mojo and incentive are back, perhaps, maybe I can dig more.  Or, maybe, I am just going to have to take it slow and do what I can, when I can.

I will be checking some other things.  I want to set up an area for working with the machine.  I am not sure what makes for good static discharge material.  I may have some, if... no...  While some neoprene mats are made as electronics mats, they aren't generally made with that quality.  I need to get in and see if I can find an antistatic bench mat.  Along with the anti-static strap to clip onto the power supply, that should keep that covered.  In Iowa, where humidity was the norm, it wasn't so bad.  But here in Utah, static electricity is so easy to generate.  Just a little zap will do ya.

Something dark is brewing.  Not so much in the world.  Or, well, yes, in the world, but that is normal for the world.  Something is chewing it's way through.  Dreams have been darkening.  A bitter psychic taste is being left as sleep's aftertaste.  Might go away, might not.  We'll see.  Later.

Some work, questions, and answers.

.
.
Before I even really woke I reset the dishes.  Not only that, I dried and put about half of them up.  Then set the towels in the dryer to a fluff tumble.  Hmm, brots are thawed, but I might wait on those until I get a load of quinoa going.  Not much, but when work kicks off early it's usually a good sign.

I was recently approached, in a more general way, regarding love.  A young man who is at a good age for finding love.  He seems healthy, able, interested, and willing.  I put something general out, received a reply, then realized a fundamental had not been touched upon.  Does he have faith?  Without that, the chances of a life pairing are slim.  At best, I figure, for the secular set, twelve to twenty.  Without both having a belief in a set of objective truths, everything is subjective, and the subjective is not enduring.

I let him know that, if he doesn't have faith, I don't even suggest looking for a wife.  Even if he wants children, that is easier to deal with outside of marriage.  Sex is cheaper in other venues.  Whatever he is looking for can be found outside of marriage, for far less risk and cost.  None of it is... superior to marriage.  But without objective beliefs, marriage in any case is too much for those who can't abide truths beyond their wants, and in these times where marriage has become a terrible burden on men it is not to be entered without some hope of longevity, even permanency.

There is more, but start from the start.  No, I don't recommend someone find God to find a woman.  I don't think it works like that.  If you can see that God holds the keys to the kingdom, perhaps that might get you there.  But faith is not, really, derived from the hope of physical love, nor the desire for money or any other fleshly thing.  You are called or you are not.  Perhaps just advising as I did will get him to look.  But being European, almost alone as a Christian should he go that way, I'm not sure it would work anyway.

Complicated.  Yes.  True?  I think so.  Then, once you get past all that, assuming you make it and find a woman who is a Christian as well?  Even that isn't the ending point.  That is just the beginning.  Even a Christian woman is a woman, and has needs and wants that only a strong man will fill.  They aren't what she says, not always.  Her words are good guides, I'll just say that.  Look to tradition to know her real needs, which is "why" marriage, and family.  See where she is going in life, her part of life, and your life together, to see where and how to help her.  And listen, or... yeah... as much as you can.  Or at least let her feel as if you listened.  :p

I sent him a link to this place.  I don't think he will get it.  I just... I'm not sure I have more to say, specifically.  Through these pages I have spilled my thoughts, used music to express, and put as much of the world together as I can.  What caught his attention was something I wrote, as a comment, long ago.  Something about sigmas making our own world.  I still believe that is true.  And I still do so, more than some realize until you see me change hearts and minds of even dead-eyed bureaucrats, while calling them just that.  And, I live.  Even though, we all know, that... isn't really quite possible.  God has his part, I have mine.  And so it is.

Oh, right... On to a bit of gaming.  Then in a bit, laundry or dishes, then the other.  And, finally, if I finish enough of those, a shower and some of the living room work.  Maybe.  Later.

Late, later.

.
.
Late to bed, just couldn't sleep.  Later waking up.  I even let the girls in.  Oh, and they bugged me.  They will sleep with me all night, mostly.  But when they think I should be up... it is quite like having real children... or certain children.  My brother was a morning boy when a midget anyway.  I was also a night owl.  They tickle my face, get me to pet them, mewl, meow, and play, trying to get me up and out.  No slouches, my young furry ladies have learned how best to do it.  And, if it fails, they take a break and come back in a bit.  Took them three runs at it to get the ogre to rise this morning.  But they kept at it.  And, actually, I am grateful.  They have learned not to cause bleeding or pain.  Other than that, they can bug me all day long if need be, off and on.

I slept well, no dreams to report.  I am seeming to feel better this morning, so I am hoping to push through a bit more on work.  I am just... right... there.  I'm at the tipping point to get back on my feet, but they drag, for now.  I did kick over two loads of laundry yesterday, the last of which is in the dryer, and should be dry.  And the dishes are ready.  So I haven't completely stopped, I'm just not moving as fast as I would like.  Yeah, I even kicked the dishes through several rinses yesterday.  While that doesn't get them dried and put up, it does keep the rinse water clear and clean.  Water goes fast around here, for whatever reason.  I want the dishes so as to get shower, and maybe out, in the next few days.

Hrm?  I hope the power supply isn't coming in the mail.  I ought to check that.  Our post is only open in the morning, and I am losing mornings, so...  Bleh.  I'll check.  If not, it should be here today.  Either way it should be here today, it's just that if it's at the post I am pretty much already too late to go get it.  Later.

A slow start.

.
.
Or, more, a late start.  Given that I woke after 10:00, and am just starting on things now... makes sense.  Usually does take a bit to get the engine warmed before it can work, three hours isn't unlikely.  My heater coil sucks!  I set all of the dishes to a fresh soak, rearranging them so that specific ones will be more likely to be ready when I am next ready to work.  I like the water very hot, so when I dry things the temp helps with the task.

I realized, with the new machine about to be going together, that I don't have any modern games to play on it.  Oh, I have hundreds of old ones.  So I went looking.  This looked interesting.  What?  I don't get a playable disc, only a download code.  And I have to be online, fulltime, to play?  No.  Well, what about that one, or this one, or... all the same.  If you want to buy a new computer game, you don't get that game.  You get to rent it, essentially, online.  Wait until they get hacked and everybody ends up having nothing.  It's going to happen, if it hasn't.  The same goes for music, and movies.  If you don't have a physical copy, you don't actually own.  Of course, that is the dream of socialism.  A way of it.  One I don't choose to participate in, nor do I believe.  This won't work.  Then again, we are on the edge of the end of this time.  I suppose this is what is to be expected.  Our wants have outpaced the ability to produce.  Our producers have gotten so greedy that they won't actually sell product, only "prints", copies, and such.  Civilization needs to crumble when it gets to this place.  It actually already has.  It isn't even that we don't know it.  It's more that most don't want to let go of the dream.  Holding onto that will stall things just a bit longer, if at a greater price.  Like a junky taking one last big hit.  Perhaps hoping it kills.  Definitely knowing it will hurt more after but not really caring.

Up, late.

.
.
Oh, I woke early, first.  Couldn't pull that train.  Back to bed.  Then I woke up on time.  Still couldn't do much about it, but take notes.  Something about "heck no!".  So dark, even at 8:00, if I saw it right.  Out at 10:00.  I hurt just a bit.  I really hurt earlier.  Sometimes that will keep me in bed, sometimes not.  I don't think it added to the problem this morning.  It was simply too dark.  And I was too tired yet.  I may take a few anicin.  I'd like to do some work.  That might not be possible without shaking these waking pains.  Normally I would let this low of a level of pain just go, and work around it.  But I am intent on getting work done, so will push, pull, take a few pain killers, and focus.

Dishes and laundry, plus trash.  That is the bare minimum today.  I would also like to hit the living room as extra.  Just clear an area, line up the electrical so as to be able to plug the power supply into a grounded outlet... which I need to check.  It's an old house, never can be sure... but need to be darned certain when tinkering with expensive components that are sensitive.  The power supply is supposed to be in tomorrow.  But I won't be ready by then.  However, I should be well enough along that I might be able to at least get the power supply arranged, and set the rest of the kit up around the area so as to start Saturday or Monday.

Dreams.  Just little ones.  Nothing stayed.  Entertaining, like pixies darting around in the air, livening the imagination, bringing a smile to the face as the thought that magic might be real.  I remember so little, only being well and truly entertained.  On to the day, I suppose.  Coffee, a bit of time waking, then... what I can, when I can.  Good day.

No work.

.
.
Pushed a bit much in the last few days.  All good though.  No real suffering.  I even did get a nap in.  Needed it.  I'll get to work when I can.

I did cancel the order with Amazon, then ordered a power supply through Newegg.  I ended up with the same device, and if the rebate their offering actually goes through at a lower price.  Sheesh, Amazon... if you make a mere $20 mistake you really need to eat it.  That was as creepy of business I have ever had with them.  Could have just offered something else, or been there, rather than just running from the deal.  Creepy.  I hope that is the last time I get that feel from them.  The supply should be here Friday.  Not holding my breath, though not really too worried.  If online fails I have a few local sources.  I will just have to pay more.

So dark!

.
.
In spite of all, I have been getting up rather early.  I have set my alarm these last few days.  The work I have been doing has made waking a bit more complicated.  I have watched as the sun struggles to stumble forth later and later.  I just didn't realize it had gotten so late.  It is after 7:00 and the heat machine is just brightening the sky.  I wondered if it was overcast, or something, but no, I don't think so.  That added to the weight of waking.  I may try to take naps to bolster my day schedule and need for sleep with the added work and extra want for sleep due to reduced sunshine.

Today?  Well...  I still have laundry to finish.  Mostly folding I think.  And then dishes.  I figure I can do that in parts.  The dishes are washed, they just need to be heat rinsed so they dry well, then dried and put up.  Interspersed with those things, I am hoping to clear the living room specifically for putting the machine together, and just in general beyond that.  I will have to order a different power supply.  Amazon offered one at an amazing price, probably by mistake.  And rather than just say it, they stalled the sale until it is useless to me.  It's the first time I have had them cheat me out of a sale like that, but they may be having just as much trouble as Walmart.  People don't buy when they don't have money.  China didn't pan out because they don't and won't have a middle class.  The politics Amazon and Walmart seem to support doesn't create, and certainly doesn't support, a middle class.  And neither the rich nor the poor shop at those places.  Just a pro tip for businesses.  Political support of socialism and cronyism isn't good for most profit programs that run on anything close to the freedom to buy and sell.  *wink*  Pissed me off though.  If you advertise a price, right out there, then either eat it or admit you did wrong, don't hang the deal.  Assholes!

I should have shopped while in town.  But I was pushing my limits being in town a second day in a row and working on the side.  I sure thought about it.  My nerves were a little jangled as well, already, from hoping I wouldn't get a ticket.  Well, and keeping that whole project secret.  I don't keep many secrets these days, at least not about current events.  What I know from the past, assuming you would believe, or even the future... a couple of books were written about them, but few understand and fewer believe.  Actually, oddly, and often, the ones who understand best believe the least.  I wonder if that is why Judaism has gone so far astray too?  Anyway...  If, and I do say if... no... Thursday or Friday, perhaps, I will get in, if I can.

On to a bit of waking.  It's nice to think I won't have to race around, righting the world, and doing fubar stuff.  Later.

Not a bad day.

.
.
Beside doing laundry and dishes, to where I have them anyway, the last two days, I was also taking care of a little business.  I had to go to town both days.  I didn't write about it because there was a risk.  Some of my readers will hurt me, if they can.  As it turns out, with health issues, medicine troubles, drivers license problems, and all else, I missed getting my tags renewed.  I don't know what kind of fine is involved, on top of late fees I am sure if I didn't notice, but I suspect it is a whopper.  So, I hid what I was doing.

I went to town yesterday, to attempt to get an emission test, a requirement this year.  The shop was too busy.  Set me up for today, but didn't put it in.  I'm almost surprised they got me in today.  I guess since they promised, they went ahead and did it.  Then on to the county offices.  They had a guy in there.  It looks like he was trying to mess me over.  The ladies weren't too keen about something.  I wasn't sure if it was me or him.  After a bit, I suspect it was him.  Eventually I got what I needed and got out of there.  This is the first year I have had problems there, and the first year he has been there.  I hope it is the last.  The ladies are great, sociable at least.  This guy is the type of bureaucrat you don't want to ever have to deal with.  I am not sure he knows it, but I think so.

After that office, over to another.  They, actually, were rather smooth.  It is usually at the tag office that I run into some sort of trouble or other.  Not this time.  Did try to charge me as if I didn't have a veterans discount, but that was cleared up quickly.  I honestly don't think state workers think much of veterans.  It's a monetary thing, and I think for many of them they believe veterans should pay like everyone else.  No better, no worse, as they see it.  Unfair.  Or, that's what I gather.  They aren't alone.  No worries, I'll be dead before they retire.  And when they get none, or very little, of what they have been promised in retirement and Cadillac medical, then we'll... wait... I'll be dead.  I guess we won't talk.

Yeah, so I did get that managed, and without getting a ticket.  I just realized two days ago, that tags were overdue, and just by accident somehow.  I was definitely keeping that a secret though.  Ten to one I would have had a ticket otherwise.

Oh, I did try to call my friend the other day.  Wasn't sure we were still friends.  No answer, or call back, until today.  He has been in the hospital, just got out.  A stroke.  Plus he was very low on blood.  I wonder if the two went together.  We did talk a bit on the phone.  Since I was coming in, I offered to bring that blue cheese and visit.  Couldn't be sure when.  Sometime in the mid-afternoon.  Check.

I was a good boy, too.  I brought him blue, and another friend aged cheddar.  Both were delivered, as it turned out.  I bought a couple of orders of fries.  He hadn't wanted to eat, yet I thought a snack would be good.  No salt, doctor's orders.  Yeah, okay.  Choose which salt you are going to eat.  Indeed.  Still, more fries for me!  I talked a bit.  He is looking a little green about the gills.  I'll have to get him out shooting.  It would be nice if our other friend would go.  He has his own life, and times, and temperament, and ability and inability to go.  None of us is in great shape.  Still...

Yes, I did do all of the dishes, and have washed just about all of the laundry, and folded some of it.  The dishes got a fresh soak when I returned home.  I need to rinse them again tomorrow, dry them, then put them up.  Then hit the laundry.  Maybe Thursday I can get in for some groceries, and to get my friend to dinner if he is up for it, or bring something over and visit.  He is lonely, and a bit cabin feverish.  Don't I know that, on my own score.  And, some shooting before winter closes the thing.  Maybe a run on target shooting.

Yeah... a bit of a story but there ya go.  Later.

Raggedy man.

.
.
Off in a minor way.  Ugly as always.  Even so, better.  I woke a bit early, after going to bed a bit late.  I would have stayed up but electricity was out.  What to do when it is yet dark?  Reading?  Not so much.  My mind is not ready for that discipline first thing in the morning, usually.  Even if I could get my mind to go that way, I could not keep it there long.  Even on good days, an half an hour to an hour of reading, at a time, is about all I can guarantee.  Oh, sure, there are authors who can create a near addiction.  Where I dig deep and hard and marathon their books.  But that is rare.  As is, I am reading either the bible or Vox's happy face book.  I'm hoping to finish that soon.  This book, however, is seen as more a technical manual.

The problem is, his book is written for those who are weak.  As he suggested, SJW's generally don't go after dogs of war.  They go after the go-along to get-along middlings, moderates, cuckservatives, call them what you will, who think they can duck attention and avoid attacks by waving whatever flag is being held by whatever attacking force is closest and trying to abide their rules, until whatever other force grows closer.  That's a losing bet, even for SJW's, who actually have a minority priority, but one that changes from day to day, hour to hour sometimes, and is based on the 2 + 2 = anything but 4, and also changes quickly.  I am just getting to the good part, though it may not make much sense to me.  Look, to be honest?  Set it up so that one of their units attacks, make it all look good in the public eye, many will side with you if given half a chance, and rip the attacker in half, spitting out bones.  It really does work, if it takes a bit of talent.  Just that you are bending time-space near them, laying out the groundwork for the sacrifice, will usually get them to flee in horror.  And, no, I am not talking virtually.

Oh, right, back to today.  I did get three loads of laundry through, some of it already folded and put up.  I did a few other things.  Today, hopefully, I will hit the dishes a first wash, shower, finish the laundry, and do a bit more.  Oh, trash has to go.  I wasn't worried about getting it out Sunday.  I don't have much.  But I should take it out on Sundays even if I won't be curbing it.  Yeah.

I checked the little freezer.  It looks like nothing even began to thaw.  Not sure how long electricity was out.  I only know that it was out at 6:00 or so.  That really does make me nervous.  On to... a bit of gaming, and coffee, to wake.  Well, after a look at some blogs.  Later.

Oh... just so's you know.  I am, by the way, for the most part, on Emma's side.

I am not the only one.

.
.
Some of them know, as I do, that I get really close.  Some of them might even know some things I don't.  I don't know what day, what year, where, or how.  Has it already come and I am there?  No.  I wondered that for a long time.  No longer.  This last time, I was almost sure.  I wasn't alone.  I... see it in their eyes, hear it in their voice.  They thought I was to die.  What is it they know, or suspect, that I don't?  Did they simply suspect?  Odd if so, they are beginning to be able to know.  They seem satisfied that I yet live, if perplexed.  Like as if Ol' Yeller made it through the sickness.  They know I am not... usual.  I have known... for most of my existence.  Many don't even believe in all that.  Some are beginning to see.  Few like that, even if... they are open to it.  Then again, who has to like much.

Human.

.
.
Alive anyway.  Yesterday was the best day I have had in a while.  Did some small bits of work, too.  Ate twice, and well.  More laundry will go through today.  More on the dishes, at least a rough wash and set to an extra soapy soak.  Plus two or three other tasks.  One of them is even a bit bigger.  Then, if there is time today... if not then tomorrow... I'll hit the living room.  Clearing a space to focus on the computer is the next goal.

Nothing hurts, nothing is swollen, nothing is out of sync or place of mind or body.  Just a bit of soreness, remnants of a body that has been very badly out of shape for a few days.  Nothing I haven't handled, and easily, more times and in more ways than any human probably can.  If it isn't the innards giving out, or in, or bruising my body getting back up, or tearing into my next project, then something runs me over.  It's my lot.  And I suffer it gladly.  Better than not being one's own, I suppose.  A servant of God, true, then to a child.  Now I am expected to follow along in wisdom as I can, not be told every step.  Of course, with responsibilities come freedoms.  Odd that a sometimes crippled up gimp has more freedom than the healthiest folk at times innit?  *wink*

Hmm... coffee, a bit of gaming, and carrots and peanut butter.  But first, changing out the laundry, one load to the dryer if I forgot last night, a new one in to the washer.  Later.

Turning north.

.
.
Not that life is hugely better.  Just that, since the brutal waking, life had improved.  Anacin helped, I am sure of that.  But it wouldn't be helping by this time.  Coffee and medicine were good to me.  A bit of gaming, when the game doesn't snag and I have to restart, or let the machine rest a bit.  I do like the Fallout series, but man are they buggy.  No patch or work around, often.  Saving and getting out will usually fix the problem, unless it simply crashes and you lose whatever you had done in the last bit.  Saving often seems, somehow, to keep the crashes to a minimum.  It almost seems like the programmers meant to punish those who don't save often.  Still... it's something to do while I can't do much else.

I did reset the dishes to soak, and seriously looked at the laundry.  I really need to hit the laundry, and dishes.  I might, today.  Maybe.  I would also like to do a few other jobs.  Not too much.  I am not ready for a major hit.  I may be ready to do a bit here and a bit there, between resting.  Maybe.  I want to rampage through the cave, ripping everything that isn't nailed down, and then bring in a high pressure sprayer!  But that just wouldn't work well.  I have to... hrm... I have to hit it in an organized and thoughtful manner.  I have many things in a queue, even if that system has come to a stop.  It is still there, just covered by complication, ill health, and layers of cover.  It's still there.  I will get to it.

Just a bit, today, would be good.  Good for morale as well as the practicality of opening up room for other things to go forward.  If I was going to ask for prayers, it would be now, on this.  A day or two, if you can remember.  Just pray that I can keep it together and move forward a bit.  Not just today, but this week.  I remind, prayers for another are also good for the source.  Nothing bad can come from a little face time with God.

Well... a bit of gaming, then, maybe, on to either the laundry, back to the dishes, or maybe a bit of each.  Later.

Dead or dying.

.
.
Brutal.  Not near the worst I have unconsciously faced, probably nearing, in some ways, what I have ever faced while wide awake.  It isn't so much the pain, that is still mitigated.  It is the confinement to suffering in general.  It is almost claustrophobic inside this sense of things, with no conscious way out.  I do my best with medicine.  And, really, all that is given, I do fairly well.  Every morning, almost every insulin, and at least half of my night pills.  I am not sure if I slipped yesterday or not?  Actually, I think I missed last evening (of pills, got the insulin).  In my current condition, missing one day of the water pill and I puff for a day or three.  So, yes, must have gotten that yesterday.

Why so rough I can't say.  I actually bought the computer components to keep me grounded, if you must know, and by the way.  With that, and the rest, on hand, there was always a chance I might flee.  I decided to take some time, the computer sort of clipped my wings.  Plus, it gave me something to do.  The power supply has been put on backorder.  If it isn't sent when they say next, I'll have to find another before my warranty on the rest falls off.  But it is giving me a little extra time to get a spot cleared for working on it.  Time I need.

For whatever reason, this morning, I feel like I did a swan dive off the third floor right into concrete.  Head and neck, pained and out of sorts.  As soon as the coffee is done I will have a slice of that with anacin on the side.  Docs told me to use tylenol, but it doesn't work.  It doesn't even seem to work against joint swelling when I have pushed something.  I'm starting to not believe very much of what doctors say, simply from experience.  Either I am way different, or everyone is while researches try to pin us all together... don't know for sure, just don't trust at all.  As with mom's cooking... if I can stomach it, and it works, I'll do it.  If two bites tell me no, then no it is.

A shower, right off this morning.  I cleaned my hair brushes while I was at it.  They need it from time to time.  Just brush your soapy hair, and then for me since I sometimes condition and today was the day for that, I ran them through my conditioned hair, then rinsed them out well.  Of course, after having removed as much hair from the bristles before anything else.  I needed, and wanted, a shower.  I hoped to do it yesterday but didn't get around to it.

Strange dreams of late.  Telling me to look, to see, maybe even to do.  I just can't seem to focus or remember or...  Later.

Oh, just a bit of mood music.

Late nap turned into bedtime.

.
.
I am not even sure what time it was.  All I know is that going to bed, for a little or long while, was a necessity.  Cooked, burned out, fried.  And yet, for some reason, I woke every two to four hours to use the restroom.  No extra drinking yesterday, I don't believe.

I also dreamed last night.  Something about someone in the bible who knew of or studied some sort of spirits.  Daniel?  I don't remember.  I'm not sure if it was just a dream thing, either.  It seemed as if I was being shown to look at some things, for some things, and for reasons.  That first dream failed.  I felt so bad.  But the dream notion came back in following dreams.  It seems, at least in the dream though not indicated in the bible (at least in the dream sessions), that the spirits discussed were some sort of aspects of God, left for some to know and use to His will.

These aspects could be collected.  They were difficult to obtain and hard to keep for very long.  Each had a different function.  This one, say, could allow a human to run at extreme speeds, this other one might make you super strong, etc.  Technically, you could collect and keep them all for a time.  I am sure there were risks and costs, beyond the complexity of obtaining, or possessing somehow, the spirits.

No, no clue.  If I am up to it, before long, I will begin looking into it.  Might just be a strange set of dreams.  I thought I had heard of the study of some strange things.  That might just be the dream though.  Later.

Mac and cheese all grown up.

.
.
Hey, no plug against standard mac and cheese.  I like it plain sometimes just as well.  However, once in a while, I like to do it right.  In this case, the addition of just the right other cheese added a level of sophisticated satisfaction.

I have been, over time, working on the roux.  More butter is what was needed.  I remembered and added more this time.  Flour, and the right amount.  It's not something I could say, and it depends on various things.  After the roux was lightly browned, then a bit of milk to work that together a bit more, and get it just a shade browner without burning.  Finally a couple of cups of cheese.  For regular or fancy cheesy mac, I recommend a mild, middling priced, pre-shredded, medium cheddar.  It offers enough flavor on it's own, but is mild enough that an added specialty cheese will take over.  In this case I used the last of the camembert cheese.  I only had about 2 ounces left, and had to skin it on top of that.  Still, perfect!  If I had just a few ounces of salami left, I might well have sliced, then diced, that and added it for just a bit more umami.  It wasn't just the specialty cheese, but the right production of the roux and simple cheese sauce allowed the extra layer to work out.  I could see doing this with a blue cheese, or a number of others.  Fresh, soft, cheeses, however, will work the best.  Creamy!

Hmm... about the recipe, a general rundown...  1/3 to 1/2 cup of flour, four to six teaspoons of butter, initially about a quarter cup of milk as the roux is finishing, then an half a cup when the cheddar is added, 2 to 3 cups of medium cheddar, a quarter cup of whole cream, in with the cheddar and second portion of milk... then stir that into a fine mess.  Finally, when that looks about ready, add the prepared camembert or other cheese and stir until it is melted in.  Finally, add the macaroni shells or whatever back in.  Stir that until well mixed.  Then either serve right then or cover and let it all blend.

I should have napped.  Now I am busted up for sleep, but if I nap now I might not make it to bed early enough...  Hmm... Well, I may have another serving and then take a nap anyway.  That was quite good.  Later.

Awake. Technically.

.
.
On this day, technicality is not a bad thing, or good.  Not yet.  It just is.  Truly awake but wanting for time to see about actually doing something.

Alright, not so good.

.
.
I am stuck in a sort of holding pattern.  While I am not getting worse, or in too terrible of shape, I am a bit rough and going nowhere.  I realize I missed an appointment.  I see, after reviewing one of my recent videos, that it was a little too much, even for me.  A mistake.  I don't really get in to raunch.  I don't consider the second one too bad, but that first one.  I hadn't viewed the whole thing when I embedded.  I saw the first little bit, and the song.  Oh well.  Yeah, it stays.  Mistakes and all, but it is now history.

Swelling comes and goes, but it is lighter than it has been.  Sleeping patterns are mostly stable.  I have been able to eat once in a while, though I am running out of food.  Nothing is right.  It could be worse, but it doesn't seem to be getting worse, or better.  I just don't know what to do, right at this moment.  I haven't called my doctor yet, to set that up either.  I'm not sure I can make it.  Still, I'll make the appointment, and attempt to set up another haircut.  Gah!  I need to get to town for shopping.  It is just that, right now, hitting a specific time, or even day, is... tricky.

Oh, some good/bad news.  I called my mother.  I've been trying to keep up on what she is about.  I know she has been rough this last year, perhaps more.  When there is something back there, you always worry.  Cancer is the big scare, but there are others, some worse.  Age almost invariably leads to poor health.  The question is can it be treated, will it be really bad, when will it arrive.  So, yeah.  She finally went in, and pushed for them to diagnose the problem.  She wouldn't let them tell her, as they have been, that it was all in her head.  And, as usual, she was right.  Gall stones.  We, I told her, can deal with that.  Her doc is out of town for about a week.  They will deal with it when she returns.  Yes, gall stones would put you down, and are very treatable.  They have her on pain pills for the moment, and it's helping.  That's as good as bad news gets.  I honestly wish they could do something for me.  I think they are, with medicine, if they send it, doing about all they can.  Hmm... she is learning more and more how... doctors really miss and allow some people to suffer horribly.  My conditions aren't fun.  Symptom-less my butt.  I've suffered most of these last nearly thirty years, and even to this day.  It's just I am now more aware, even when suffering greatly, if I suffer less (usually).

Oh, I'll keep trying.  So difficult to be stuck like this.  I don't have anything with which to push, or pry, or rip, tear, vault.  Stuck.  I'll keep at it.  What else am I going to do?  Complaining doesn't really help, but it gets it off my mind.  Later.

Often.

.
.
My mind dreams, and I see sugar plumbs dancing in my dreams, and she always seems to go back to a specific post.  Now, is she looking at the whole thing, certain videos, or the comments section?  I have my suspicion that it is a specific video and the comment section.  I am not only a bad man, according to a tone deaf irreverent quickly becoming irrelevant world elite.  They don't want me to like, or want to be with, women.  They want the world to die.  So, when I let it be known that, if in a grave, I am spinning in it, due to want and desire for a woman, they have problems.  Is she one of them?  Or is she... delighted, or even just mystified as dames can be who want men to just be nice?  I won't give it all away, my suspicions.  Just one song, from that set anyway.  It seems to... mollify her?  Take no offense, unless you will it.  None is meant.  I'm just putting two and two and three and one and seven and two together, then going with it a bit.  You, for today, because of thoughts, dreams, and daydreams, are the muse de jour.

Trying to figure things out.

.
.
After pointing out that Fiorina was a useless tit, having had no children and ruining company after company in her quest for equality, proving to me that she was most likely a puppet for those who engorged themselves on the fruits of those companies (knowingly or not on her part), I have been e-attacked.  It happened so quickly, and with two individuals showing up as prime candidates for the attacks, that I am sure it was some of Neo-Neocons readers... with or without her blessing I don't know.

The problem is/was with two particular browsers.  Cyberfox just... got crippled, especially after I wouldn't allow an update until I could review it.  A few days of waiting and then when I attempted to use the browser it would blank out.  when I got in and could shut down the browser, it would turn off my whole system.  Yeah... something there.  The other problem is one which might or might not be something I can fix.  As is, Iron is a bit of a mess.  I was permanently signed in, through my gooogle account.  For whatever reason, that wasn't allowing me to sign in to youtube.  I was getting the "oops" page, usually reserved for people who had uploaded against policy too many times.  I don't upload, so that wasn't it.  Finally, I signed out of Iron/google.  Which... allowed me to sign into youtube, but eliminated my bookmarks, as you have to be signed in to get those... or something.  They just flipped some switches, after hacking into my system.  But I am not familiar enough with Iron to find and sort that... or maybe in vista somewhere, or a bit of both.

The thing is, those who are pushing for dog food and dog are not conservatives.  Cuckservatives, make no doubt.  Fiorina is for planned parenthood and Carlson only became "Republican" last year.  The Republican party didn't create a big umbrella, they were simply taken over by these sorts.  Not only can't conservatives keep our pols shooting straight, we have been infiltrated to the highest levels by actual enemies of the state.  With the media on the wrong side, and pretty much every former social, cultural, and economic institution on the wrong side, it's really difficult to keep people on track.  Especially when the enemy in our ranks are quite willing to attempt a direct or indirect attack on anyone who speaks the truth, doesn't hold off, and gets it right... naming names on the way.

I'll keep working on it.  Though... maybe later.  There is only so much one can do on such projects at a time.  I'll do tinkering on another project.  Then maybe, hopefully, a bit of work here in the cave before long.  Oh... and just so's ya know... while there is the feared, the sad, the hard, the strange, the worrisome?  There is also the... well... the not so bad.  Later.

There is always hope.

.
.
When I have nothing else on tap, hope.  Whether that is just what it takes to get through from here to there, or there is something more to it as to my proposals, sometimes that is all I have available.  In a virtual sense, right now, that isn't true.  Given all, I'm just not to that point.  In a literal sense, I am actually right there.  I am stuck, doing nothing and able to do nothing, or very little.  Frustrated.  But... not quite, all and sum total, in a hopeless enough of a situation to give in to only hope.  A strange thing, I suppose.  Perhaps you don't understand.  Just take my word for it.

Health is swinging into the 'better than yesterday by increments' phase.  Days are becoming a strong possibility.  Medicine is back on track, though with no opportunity because of the limited supply to take more.  Food is still an issue.  It just... doesn't taste good.  While I liked the steak, I honestly couldn't eat that more than once a weak.  I need to figure some things out for that.  Beside nothing tasting tempting, volume is an issue.  I can't eat much, mostly.  I end up feeling stuffed after anywhere from a few bites to a normal sized meal.  I've been eating fast in the hopes of getting enough food in before that awful over-filled sensation hits.  It hits no matter the practical truth of things, so I have no trouble attempting to fit more food in there.  Especially since eating once a day might be it.

I don't know about today.  I am still hoping to push some things through.  Work, just a bit, or even a lot.  If I can.  The power supply should be in today, if, as I said, I would rather begin messing with that tomorrow.  Uhrm, if I can make room and set a few things up.  On with waking, first, in any case.  Be well, remember to duck, and look for that opportunity, when all else seems to have failed.  Sometimes the chance to change things sneaks up on you, and will leave you without ever tooting it's horn or otherwise letting you know.  Sort of how, when a woman is open to a man's interest, she almost never directly lets him know.  Both just show up, for a little while, and either are... approached or released, knowingly or not.  Pay attention.

Later.

Rumbling system and strange dreams.

.
.
Food hasn't been tasting good to me lately.  My cooking, theirs, or fast food.  Nothing.  Salami and cheese, sure, but can't eat that for every meal.  While I was in town the other day shopping, I noticed some thick cut ribeyes on sale a third off (still very expensive, mind you).  They looked really good, and they were truly thick.  I bought two, one for the freezer, one to be ready when I was.  Yesterday I was ready.

I spent a lot of time with that steak.  I gave it an open lid grill, on both sides, to start it off.  Just enough to get it's attention.  Then, with the coals and day being cool, I had to, and did, figure out how to get that steak much closer to those coals.  At which time I pretty much babysat it.  The broad and thin(ner) sides or edges you might say, each getting their turn unto the fat was well browned.  Not too long on any part, turning as if dancing with the coals.  I can still cook, it seems.  It was slightly more done than I like, but no more than a medium.  And the flavor?  While a little bloodier would have been nicer, I was quite satisfied.  More than that, I know my taste buds aren't completely on the fritz.  A pound and an half of some of the best ribeye I have eaten.  As an added bonus?  If you want a "cleanser", there is nothing like the equivalent of a bull moving through your internals to... see you through to the light at the end of that dark and dirty tunnel.  Of course, that woke me a bit early with a twisted internals that had to be sorted out.  A price gladly paid, mind you.

Don't worry, I probably have been fussier lately, regarding food.  When you get really ill, sometimes it is difficult to enjoy food, or even to eat it.  The ribeye was, in the medium run, a one-trick pony.  It won't work for a while again.  Though next week, or the week after, I sure hope to try that trick again.  I'm working on things.  I just... had to see.  Then again, if food had gone downhill, and quality has been greatly reduced (which I am wondering, as a general rule), if the steak hadn't tasted good...  I don't know?  I suppose I am simply looking for evidence, or signs and portents, or... something.  That the steak tasted good isn't even evidence of an absolute sort.  It may indicate that my taste buds are correct, so that my general perceptions are... more correct.  Dunno, just... thinking.  Or my preferences have done a 180, mostly, somewhere in there.  Things I used to like just aren't cutting it, often.  Dunno!

I didn't do much work yesterday.  I would like to say I didn't do any, but I thought I did some small things.  Can't exactly remember.  My memory isn't bad, except when I am waken after five hours of sleep with a twisted gut.  So, I'm just not fully awake.

Dreams?  In the first, I was about to marry a woman.  Thinking that would be great trouble, somehow I thought marrying two sisters instead might be better.  And, I think, as per the dream, the sisters were better than the first woman.  But they weren't optimal either.  I seemed to be skipping and hopping trying to get and give without selling it all, or losing it all.  As it turns out, while the double wedding day was approaching, my first fiancee slipped me a mickey that required I be put in stasis for 500 years.  I woke from that stasis, never having know quite what hit me, but quite well set up financially.  Either the woman who drugged me, the two sisters I was set to wed, or all three, went in to make sure I was geared when I woke.  Well worth it.  I was just a little more cautious with dating after that.  No problems marrying more than one woman, just not at the same time.  Stagger, lad, that's all I'm saying.  *grins*

The other dream just slipped away.  I liked it almost as much.  Something about something, with a quirky grin at the end, like above but not pertaining to women.  Gosh I like my dreams sometimes.  When I'm not being chopped up and served as soup, or losing all my people, that is.  Then again, at least with the soup ones, sometimes I end up choking my enemy, or... getting him in the end.  *wink*  Don't quit on even bad dreams, sometimes it all comes out right... at least for you.

I really hope to get some work done today.  I don't even care what.  Three or four small to larger jobs would be great, but I will take what I can.  I may need a nap later on.  Oh, and I will call my doctor to see about setting up another appointment this coming month.  I want to give it more time before I see him again.  I can't afford monthlies anyway.  Who can... no offense, ladies.  *wink*  :p  Yeah, in a bit of an ornery mood, and who better to pick on than the claw and teeth half of our species?  "You can't say that!"  *Rhawr!*  Ah, but I just did.  Hmm... time to go play with the cats.  Here kitty kitty kitty!  I may not be a 300 pound canary (which would say that last), but I am 300 pounds.  :)

Later.

A bit early.

.
.
For whatever reason, Sam decided to lay beside my ear, licking her lips and swallowing.  The annoying varmint did that until I woke up.  I made her stop but it was no good, I was awake.  No, I didn't thump her.  Yes, I sure felt like it.  That's that I suppose.

Today is about focusing on work.  Will I get to it?  I honestly don't know.  I'd sure like to, for a number of reasons.  As things have been improving, if along a bumpy trajectory, I may be in line to work.  If not today, soon.  Days seem to be back in habit, very roughly... if I can keep them.  My nights keep trying to edge back over the long way.  Bleh.  It may not seem much to to, but I am engaged in an epic, decade long battle with decrepitude.  Even if I die tomorrow, which is less likely than your average Joe doing so honestly, I have still won.  More, I am still improving, crash over crash.  Didn't lost a day (other than what normally happens even in health anyway), didn't quit, didn't lose track of most of my goals (did lose track of silver purchases, as my... eyes drifted and memory went south as some other things along that path of contention went offline though too.  Sometimes it isn't meant, but the baby goes out with the bathwater.  I'll... fix that soon enough.  Digging gold, or silver in this case, takes time anyway.  Gotta find an honest, reasonable, source.

I know I dreamed.  Can't recall it right now.  But it feels like one that might come back to me, or not.  I know one of them allowed me a good smile.  Just... a joy of living thing.

Yeah, let me try to square life up today, and get going with the world, get back in it.  Dishes, laundry, boxes wherever they may be, and the living room.  That's it, for now.  More than I can do in a day, probably.  But... maybe I can't take a pretty good chunk out of that if I can hit a stride.  Sometimes I belong at the kiddie table.  I just don't let that stop me.  Hmm... I may also call the office of my doc and set up an appointment for next month.  We'll get that show back on the road, if possible.  I'm working on things as best as I am able.  Later.

Browsers.

.
.
It seems all of them are folding to the pressure of advertising.  I have tried three new browsers after Pale Moon took a huge steaming dump on my ability to function away from advertising.  Might have been some sort of hack, but it didn't feel like that.  Felt like a corporate sellout.  The three I added were great, for a while.  Then each folded like cheap lawn chairs, and in the wrong direction as cheap lawn chairs are want to do.  None of them work very well, one doesn't work at all.  Cyberfox let me know there was an update.  I ignored it.  Hoping to give them some... time... to make sure that when I updated, I didn't have a headache to work through untangling their mess.  That wasn't good enough.  Now, when I click that into operation, I get nothing.  Then when I try to kill that, my computer restarts.  Yeah.  It looks like the update was a requirement for use.  I'll be dumping that browser in the next few minutes.

Iron is okay, but there are a lot of problems on my end.  I can't log into youtube.  I, initially, could view higher end youtube videos, hd type.  Now about all I get is limited to 360.  Even with ad blocker ads are getting through, in email, and other places.  Junk.  They have all sold out for adverts, and it's all a lie.  Everybody knows that nobodies views those.

I had comcast call me the other day.  They offered to lower my bill, and throw in a landline, if I take a television package.  I refused.  As stubborn as I can be, if I had television coming through, in a fit of boredom, I might actually watch it.  No, I'm willing to pay an extra $20 and get less than to have television in.  Besides, I know that they would force me to get CNN, ESPN, and some of the other leftist channes, which they would then pay both from my script and government kickovers for providing coverage, to support those leftist propaganda devices, in spite of the fact that no one watches them.  I've noticed even fast food joints have stopped playing CNN.  What, not getting enough kickbacks or was it hurting the bottom line enough that the kickbacks weren't cutting it?  Yeah, it's come to this.

They really are all out to push the very things that every righteous and true American knows better than to accept.  And, as it had to happen, the American people are kicking these jerks and their propaganda out of our homes, hearts, and minds.  I, for a while, thought I was just one of very few.  I have seen enough signs to know better.  City folk?  They are going down.  They want, no need, the lie to continue.  Because as soon as it stops, it will be they who are destroyed.  Not the rest of us.  So, yeah, there are some areas that are hoping they don't become Detroit.  Strange that they are going the exact wrong way to prevent it though.  Oh well.

Just some thoughts on this Sunday evening.  And, yes... what I have been discussing, about the fall?  It really could come at any time.  The only thing holding the economic corpse of the world is the sheer will of so many people.  There is nothing else, no ligaments, no muscle, no skin... just sheer terrorful will.  Be ready.  It, mostly, won't hurt us.  Us little ones.  Who it will hurt is those people who are too big to fail but who were done in the great crash (the one, that in time, historians will note as the beginning, not a separate incident).  Later.

A shower and then out.

.
.
And out early enough to have a lunch.  Then on to shopping.  I wondered if I would have to hit three grocery stores in an attempt to find my milk.  I don't generally buy produce at Walmart, but made one minor exception today, carrots.  I've never heard of that brand.  Worst case, I chunk $1.50.  Best case, I have something to mix with peanut butter for a snack.  They also had my milk!  They didn't have my brand of cream, but they did have another brand, one I generally trust.  I usually went with the other brand of cream, as it was more common, often seemed cheaper, etc.  As it turns out, for whatever reason, this other brand was the same price my store usually sells my favorite brand.  Yet, usually, at Walmart, my brand is usually a dollar higher or more.  I guess I didn't notice this before.  I hope it is, actually, as good.  If it is better... or equal... I will keep it in mind.

Yes, a shower first.  Oh, wonderful.  The house is still quite rough.  But with this and that, and a trip to the store, and things coming together, I am hoping to hit it this week.  And hit it hard.  Clean, scrub, wash, brush, push, toss, fix, move, tend... lots and lots of work this week.  I hope.  And, really, maybe.  Good, good, good.  It was just pleasant to escape the dungeon.  The lunch and successful shopping were also good.  Oh, I bought shredded cheese while I was out.  Forgot good tuna, to go with the canned oyster I like, for a seafood tuna mac melt.  The idea really set me off, I just wasn't ready for all that much work and cleaning and then cooking.  I'll get there.

I called he who has been my friend, to see if he wanted some very fine blue cheese.  I haven't tasted it, just going by the other cheeses.  Neither did he answer or call back.  I'm assuming that is that, though who knows.  I was going to see if the other other friend liked aged cheddar.  It isn't my favorite either.  Though, this retailer puts out some good stuff.  I might just end up liking their goods.

Later.

I sure thought about cooking.

.
.
As it turns out, neither did I have enough canned seafood for my notion, nor the gumption to shred two or three cups of the main cheese plus tend one or two specialty cheeses.  Just not ready for that.  I notice a can of Cambel's chicken noodle soup, and crackers.  Long ago, as a child, those were among my favorites.  Only got those when my mom was working and couldn't make the real deal when we were sick.  Horrible.  I thought maybe it was the crackers, so the next partial bowl I went without those.  Nope.  The noodles are terrible.  A little water might dilute the salt, but nothing can change the... terrible taste of the noodles.  Though the crackers didn't help.  Either my tastes have changed or companies have bottomed.  I honestly can't be sure which.  All I know is that a one time favorite will never be purchased again.  And I need to see if there are any crackers on the market, just saltines, that don't taste so rank.  Mind you, these are one of the main name brands, not some exotic cheap knock-off.  Whatever they use for fat...  Perhaps they were too old?  No, I bought this pack withing the last three months.  I'll try some others.  Perhaps the fake fats they use now, the vegetable, crisco, and other such, or worse.  Dunno.  But I will save the box, and compare with other crackers.  I like crackers, once in awhile, for soups, stews, cheese and salami, and such.

Feeling okay, if not as good as at first.  I may take another shower just to push things along.  It is good to be clean.  Maybe some work today, if I can.  God understands, I have to work on the rare occasions, while ill, that I can.  I thanked Him today.  Not for healing or helping, just for life as is.  Any pains, for the opportunity at life and heaven, if you see it, is worth the price.  Christ showed us how valuable we are, and how much can... if not easily but wisely... sacrificed for it.  His sacrifice offered things ours can't, but did show us the direction we may need to take.  I would much rather have to bear it for a few days and be free, than for decades, but that isn't my choice or call.  His will.  Mumbling, but not grumbling.  I did add prayers for many of you out there.  I pray for your strength in dealing with the bad, as well as enjoying the good.

A shower?  Yes.  That sure sounds good.  Later.

Still holed up.

.
.
But getting a break now and again makes it tolerable.  A shower last night made life better.  An attempt at dinner that went sideways.  An effort, a few bites, most of it went into the garbage.  And I am hungry.  Some efforts just do not work out.  Still, try and try again.  What I have on hand, for protein, is slim.  Three fresher frozen packs, but that doesn't help with spur of the moment attempts at the culinary arts.  And, yet, worth a shot.  I may try again today, with another sort of odds and ends cookery.  If Doom can't eat it... though I am off my feed bag a lot, so my tastes are a bit finicky perhaps.  Even so, if I can't eat it, you probably wouldn't want to eat it either.

I am feeling well today, on a major sliding scale.  No swelling, which seems to be haunting me harshly for some reason.  I have never had this level of body fluid since... well... ever really.  I've gone through hard days, but not hard months of it.  Today, on that, is just better.  It still isn't even what I call normal.  Part of it is my twisted shift living.  I am hoping to normalize sleep patterns, and to days, first.  Which, if I can slow down the progression, I am nearly at.  Then I have to normalize medicine.  For the water pill to work, I have to use it first thing in "the morning", then be up a good long day, then be active enough to... following the guidelines it produces (meaning being able enough to void every time the urge strikes).  Those have all been iffy lately.  Today I am drawing the line.

I thought about going to town.  I may, or may not.  Finding a supply of milk is difficult, and will be until Tuesday.  It might be there, somewhere.  Oh, there is generic, almond, maybe goat, and some other milk, but there isn't my middling brand.  What I don't understand is why stocking seems to hit the different stores on different days.  You would think they would all stock on the same day?  It's not that big of a town, none of the stores carry more than one shelf.  I, as a teen, went with a man who did milk runs, someone my mother was dating.  I went long enough to see how things worked.  Perhaps they have changed.  So... yeah... I sort of was your ice cream man, among other things... once.  Back then he did wear a white suit.  The last years that was done in his trade, I suppose?  Or at least commonly?  Then again, maybe town is a bit bigger, or their is more than one truck, of even the same brand, they can contract with?  Seems odd though.

Another shower today.  Maybe some work if things stay on the better side of rough.  Perhaps another attempt at a meal.  Oh, I still have sausage, salami, cheese, and such.  But that... shouldn't be quite a daily thing.  Dry.  Binds.  Hmm... maybe a minor sea food cheese and mac?  I know, sounds a bit odd.  But with the right stuff, which is all I buy, it actually could be good.  I have some regular cheddar, but would like to try a portion of some of those rich cheeses too.  I must be careful though.  Volume on the fresher cheddar, just enough of the others to imbue some of their flavor.  A little dab will do you on those.  Just some thoughts.  Those cheeses are so extremely potent!  Even for someone with a nose for them.

Loverly.  I am amazed at how well I do recover.  I've been going into and out of death for so long I don't even worry about it.  And rightly, if my dreams are true.  I'm not sure a Mac truck would total me.  Just another big hurt and recovery.  I don't even mind.  I've learned to be flexible.  I've learned to live without food, sometimes without water.  I even come back and do fairly well, and more.  I'd like to think there is a reason for it.  And, maybe, there is.  In spite of all my bluster, bark, and even bite, that I... tell people to trust life, even through the worst of it...  That might be what it's about.  Though, really, I have learned to enjoy life, even in the worst of it.  That part is for me.

Go on to church, today, if you can.  Don't pray for me, pray for those who are like me but have no faith.  Pray for those who are hurting but without the grace to withstand it.  Pray for those who are about to die and fear it.  Pray for those who are hungry and thirsty, who would tend those if they were available.  Pray for yourselves, that the pains in life don't cripple you in the real way... in your heart and soul.  Then figure out what you can do for yourself, and, if that works, how to walk that out to those others.  I did a favor not so long ago.  I was asked if I thought the receiver was a charity case.  It wasn't asked, or taken, harshly.  I didn't answer then, though I hope my eyes did.  I did think about that, though, for a while.  I decided all of us, every one of us, is indeed a charity case.  So make no nary mind about that.  In Christ, we are offered the charity of the sacrifice of His blood.  So, if charity comes to you, just be grateful.  I am.  Yeah, I struggle with it too, but...

Good day.