To the store, beginning other things.

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Just groceries.  Enough eggs to really hit souffle practice, boil some, and have some around for general use.  Several cheeses, apples, basic raw salad makings most of which have been prossessed, a few meats to top that off, and just a few odds and ends.  Oh, I found a package of cod, US.  It was on immediate sale.  I looked for other packs, but they were all shorts.  The regular price was good.  I will start checking fish in my store again.  However, if I find it is processed by the Chinese, or "caught in US waters" then transferred to Chinese services... no.  It means they will be sliding their poison fish in.  It's how they do.  Notice how they say only half truths on packaging?  It's why you have to be so cautious.  Ask, check, verify, several times.  As soon as they think you have lost track they'll gank you.

Everything has been put up.  Some of it processed.  The fish has been cooked.  It, yeah.  Old fish just.  I don't think it was bad, it just wasn't tops.  I'll try 'late' lamb.  Ugh.  Dishes have been started in the main sink.  I'll hit the bedding after this post, then at least a load of laundry.  Then?  Perhaps a nap, or to the post if I am still awake at the right time.  There is, or was, a package in.  I forgot.

I can't keep it all together.  I'll keep trying.  Oh, good news.  My mother had her heart checked.  That is not her problem, her heart is in excellent shape.  She was right, but better safe than sorry.  I don't regret siding against her, only do so because I actually care.  I'm often her yes man, so long as it isn't... a vital area.

Yeah, maybe.

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I have to admit, I want to cook, bake, something special.  A souffle of some sort.  Cheese, maybe cheese and apple?  I have a reasonable sugar replacement now.  It seems a fuss, though what hobby isn't?  I'd like to work the process until I can feed some folk I have been thinking about.  Though this might be tricky.  It would have to be baked there.  I'd want to have made it a goodly number of times... using foreign equipment, even a stove, if you don't know the score, can lead to a pricey pizza night.

Why they don't visit.

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Mood.  Nature.  Perhaps.

New day, same as yesterday.

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Tired, disoriented, minor aches, a shadow headache just off in the distance.  Food might help.  Waking could help if it really didn't do much good yesterday.  It isn't about how I feel, only about what I can do.  No more aspirin for a while.  Food would be best.  Tea.  A bit of time.

Today?  Everything left from yesterday plus putting curtains up in the back 'porch'.  I can't be certain it was ever an actual porch, and even if it was, being reformed, enclosed rigidly, and all, is it still a porch?  I think I can.  But I have wrongly thought that before.  Though, with the whole day before me, I am hoping, while doing the dishes, to do more in the kitchen.  Having the bathroom looking so clean excites me to top off the kitchen.  Then get to the front room, to mostly just top it off.

Heaven knows, but I might be getting somewhere.  I still have an ax hanging over my head, I still have things to do and sort, I still have enemies of all sorts, and I'll still do what I can, starting with one pant leg at a time on to one step at a time.  Actually, I think I will have aspirin.  Much to do and rather behind the eightball.  Later.

No more work.

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No real energy, and other things.  Which is fine for now.  I did make an omelette the Julia Childs way. It worked.  Rememberd from my last attempt?  No more than a teaspoon or nearly two of cheese.  No fresh herbs so I went with a touch of tarragon.  It was... rather plain, if that beats too much much.  I'll work on it.  Yeah, no.  I'll get to it tomorrow.  Just hit a wall.  That wasn't completely unexpected given the last few days, plus months of stress.

I am trying a new sweetner, monkfruit.  Very spendy, even then a blend.  Still cutting sweeteners, just trying new kinds for different applications.  When I have a bit more of a collection together I may do a blood sugar grouping, for a week each, three times a day, then longer term for those which seem to pan out.  Perhaps seeing if cooking makes a difference.  I wonder if, after a bit on low carbs, if most of the alternative sweeteners become carbs as far as the body is concerned.  I know, with regular splenda, it was fine until I really cut carbs.  Then it became worse than sugar.  Yes, I am looking fot near magic bullets.

Not losing weight but size is slipping down fairly quickly.  It's crazy.  I have been more active all givens but I realized I am not eating enough.  I just don't get it, either way.  Ah well.  Later, good night, I'm not sure.

Sometimes it just pops.

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Still a bit rough, and with a major headache off in the near distance, as storm clouds on the horizon while setting out picnic placements.  The idea of a shower really got to me.  So cleaning the tub got top billing.  While I was at it the floor got mopped.  Then the sink got hit.  I haven't had the whole bathroom that clean in quite some time.

The shower is still last on the list.  Dishes, changing bedding, and laundry, oh and trash as well as recycling will go out.  Not what I would rather be doing.  What is to do and by who is left to do it.  I am catching up and keeping up on the cave.  If I can top it off I will begin advertising for help, say five to ten a week,  split betwwen two different days?  That is what I am thinking... depends on the price.  Probably won't start looking until I return from the spring trip.

Better?  I was able to work without aggravating the conditions.  Got it done in nearly a snap at a cheetah's pace, but now will need to idle, maybe nap.  I'll finish the rest today though.  If I can do the unpleasant...  Hop to it Hopsing!  Later.

Fan

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tastic.  The drain cleared.  I have been checking through the morning.  After the third hard endurance test success I called to cancel the routing service.  Tickled, floating on air, all good.  The other worry had been a full septic tank, which wouldn't be a normal concern with just me, however, with the drip, maybe.  Perhaps with the drip gone the tank could drain?  A bit of both?  Pleased.

I slept so well it hurt again.  I suspect that will be happening off and on until I recover.  I really pushed it and while in poor shape.  Though the pain, mostly, as before, dissipates as fog on an otherwise sunny morning.  All good, I think that is more likely why I yet live... if some would rather it otherwise.  Not my problem, or choice, or any choice but God's.  I have learned that more truly than any others, more directly, and taught the only way a thick fool can be taught.  Doubt me?  Of course!  Just don't doubt Father, or test Him.  Amen.

Uhrm, today?  The tub and sink need cleaned.  The dishes, I really want those done, just a few, and bedding and laundry.  I didn't finish the kitchen, but I put a few more dings into the notion.  I won't do more in there though, or not much, not today.  If I can get the rest to zero I can hit the kitchen hard, soon.  If I get all that?  A shower!  Oh, loverly, fantastic, joyous, noun and verb, twas dearly missed!

Partial.

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Success would hold no value if it were easy.  I have found a sediment filter for cold but not hot water.  Oh, they advertise things as under sink, but with inch and an half fittings.  Now THAT'S a sink!  Most others found have at max a top temp of 110(F).  I need much higher.  The easy half is done.  A few calls might pan out, or put the kabosh on the theory.  But not tonight.

Actually, I think I saw my shadow.  Six more hours of sleep?  One can hope.  I do have the sense of having been run over.  On the good side they backed up over me to check, driving over me on their fine way when they realized the situation.  Did I write "good side"?  At least they didn't peel out.  Good night again.

Strange.

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Exactly an hour after the last post, at 19:05, I crashed.  Hurtling toward sleep at a fearsome pace, I suspected there would be pain in there, during though definitely after sleep.  I meant to take aspirin.  That damned collapsing tunnel vision mind vortex ate will and thought.  Which is fine as it works out.  Awake at 23:00 (and some change).

Waking to... solid pain, I just move slowly, attempt to regain focus and poise of first spiritual then mental natures, recalibrating my various x,y,z,and t axes.  If those things can be set up I can then triage.  Today, as usual, recalibration was sufficient to the task.  Pain, if not completely gone, can be contained... no running, jumping, or wrestling bears, the stays are weak.  But there is plenty of room for most else.  That's what I get for hurtling the moon by remaining awake so many hours in my shape.  No choice.  Had to be done.  Got done.  Ugh.

I will begin the returns on the other faucets.  Urhm, once I wake.  Lord knows, that process will be slow and arduous this... day.  If I need and can afford sleep later, I will gladly take it.  What else today?  Not much, until after the drain is cleared.  Not much after even that.  I am in recovery for the next few days.  Then I'll have the kitchen sink and drains all going and can keep up on regular life.  Ugh.

I spoke to him about the en suite.  He suggested changing to plastic piping, as the galvanized is probably the source of problems.  He strongly suggested inline sediment traps, just using flex supply line connections to install under the sink.  So I will get on that.  I can easily do that.  And the faucet, if just on the sink, fails after just a few weeks otherwise.  Yeah, I can do research.  After that, and the routing costs, I'll decide if I can get someone in to mess with the water softener.  I don't think it's working.  Though I will take a look at it again, emptying it down to nubs, myself, first.  If my efforts fail again...  Then I should be back to full optimal operation?  I sure hope.

Late.

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It is how it works.  No fuss though, as three of four goals were managed.  The tub faucet from shot springs no longer drip, the plumbing under the sink has been rightly installed, and not only did he get the faucet installed he used the original so I can return the others.  Meaning I am in the black on the visit.  As well, the UPS driver gladly took the package of paperwork for the mortgage.

The only thing he couldn't manage was the clog.  Or so far.  The stuff he put in might still work.  I called another he suggested for that.  If it doesn't clear overnight the other guy will be here tomorrow afternoon.

Zapped.  At 11:30 I was awake for 24 hours.  It is now 18:05, you'll have to the ma... 31 hours up?  Didn't want to do that.  I'll have to chill a bit, come down, before I can crash.  Pleased.  I was even possibly helpful if probably not the most erudite of conversants.  Aspirin.  I am running on ground to a powder Doom.  Oh?  Yeah.  Not as happily sing a song as that may seem.  Good night.

Awake so long.

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Pain. Neck, shoulders, plus a solid headache, even after a slug of aspirins.  Just.  I have been awake nearly a day.  The plumber will be arriving shortly.  I did a bit more cleaning but thar wasn't the reason I stayed awake.  I knew if I went down when I could have I wouldn't have stirred when he arrived.  I thought about a note, but, no.  It isn't a good time to be pushing.  I simply have no other reasonable option.

I would like to clean up a bit.  Lord knows I need it.  I am airing the place out a bit.  Sure the furnace will belch, which if seemingly wasteful will assist in the aim.  I suppose I could shut it up now.  It's done what it can.  Messy.  Trying to plan and implement those plans while so tired.  Oh, if I can fill out the paperwork and have it ready, then catch the UPS driver, I might not need to go to town.  One can hope.

On to work.  I made quinoa, turned out perfect.  Will try it as a cereal.  Not sure it works that way, will find out shortly.  Good day.  I hope you get your things done.  Later or good night.

The closer to death the closer to her.

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I wasn't the Narrator trying to become Durden.  Just the opposite, after everything fell apart.  I couldn't seem to die.  No one near me could remain alive.  I burned myself with a cigar, but I ate the lye.  If you wonder why I doubt I am human... find any one else who ate half a cup of the stuff and even lived.  Yeah.  I was trying to forget, or the rest of it, not intending to become something special.  Well, since death was being such a fair weather friend.  I have forgotten most of it, save the recent rent about to be mended.

Everything is off.

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Heat?  As spring approaches, so it seems, it is really warm.  Certainly for this time of year.  I can't seem to hold a schedule, sleep as well or as deeply, or else. It's an ugly moment, probably won't be better until it stabilizes into summer.  Though, maybe, sometimes, the wave is smoother.  Ah, meds too.  Just a bit more is hammering me.  I wonder what would happen if a normal took it?

I was a bit worried as to whether the other faucet woul arrive. It did, as did paperwork for home refinance.  I have to do that today and turn it in tomorrow.  It didn't arrive on time today.  Ugh.  Getting it in early tomorrow will be a trick.  The plumber is coming sort of early and will be here a bit.  Not sure I can be awake early enough.  Heck, worried about being awake for him!

At least, with food made ahead, that isn't constantly being tripped over.  Though I suspect some part of my problem, while it may not seem so, is not eating enough.  That shuts down the engines and wants everything turned into fat.  The trick is figuring out how much to eat to just keep as much lit as possible, but also given my conditions.  With the bad heart I can only run at a partial burn, inconsistently, and not always the same engines.  Though, whatever else?  My organs haven't been hurting regularly.  The other day was a rare event and of a singular area or organ.  Weeks, a month, more, since my internals were troubling, and that last was some sort of illness, perhaps an infection, not my usual.

As is I can only do what I can.  Today?  Finishing the kitchen, doing all dishes by the end of the day, topping off tea jugs, touching off the bathroom, and doing laundry?  Well, in theory.  It isn't all that much, but for me, today, it is a brutal lot.  I will focus on the main things for plumber facilitation, then hit what else as able.  I'll need to be cautious with the wash.  While it is an high efficiency, it might flood the bathroom...  Careful!

Hmm?  Ah, a bite, medicine, waking time.  I'll need to wash body and hair too. Ugh.  Later.

Yesterday and today.

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I did a few things yesterday.  I cooked another package of bacon, for use with salads and as a snack.  I'd best watch snaking or it will be gone before any other use.  As well I made the grated cauliflower pizza.  Actually?  That was really good.  I am buying smaller cans of lower carb diced tomatoes, with nothing added.  Along with tomato paste (from a tube so the can isn't wasted), perhaps chopped onion and/or garlic, spices of my choosing, I can really go to town or go easy.  I need to find anchovy tubes as well, thinking about it all.  You want umami?  Anchovies.  Italian's love their little fish to add richness, a meatier taste, and that... something else.  The culinary parallel to the stinky additive that separates good perfume from exquisite.

Hmm?  Oh, the crust was two(ish) cups grated cauliflower, a large egg, and about a cup of cheddar and monteray jack mix... I thought that would bind better than the cheddar alone.  Combined well, formed as a circle, then baked for twenty minutes.  Then cooled while I put the sauce together.  On top, bigger mushroom steaks, raw spinach, sausage crumble from yesterday, and cheddar.  Good?  No, I'd honestly call that great.

I suppose seeing worse is for a reason.

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A dream, as an observer.  A kid with some sort of mental retardation was the focus born to a war widow in WW II, by what I could tell.  He was doing well enough, if things had remained as they were he would have been ready when he grew up.  But then his mother died.  There ended being three choices, a decision he didn't get to make.

He had grandparents, on her side.  They didn't care for the boy.  It wasn't his condition, they didn't want the fuss.  The retardation was simply an excuse.  They would be hard on the boy, brutal, worse.  I realize now, as I see in the hearts of those around me in real life I also see as such in my dreams.  I wouldn't call it a gift.  Though something about that?  I don't need to be near, and I see other things.  Might have started with INFJ, if I doubt even that.  Either way, it certainly doesn't stop there.

Sort of getting somewhere?

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Well, no, not really. I did try the egg casserole.  All cold, as I was hoping if eaten cold it would have less affect on the g.i.  I can't tell if it had an affect.  If it did it was nearly instantaneous and mild or that was just a timing coincidence.  As to flavor?  I was impressed.  Especially right out of the fridge.  I didn't salt, pepper, or otherwise spice.  I used a dozen large eggs, three quarter pound of bacon crisped then cut into sixths, twenty pimento stuffed green olives cut into thirds, a cup of cheese, and about an half pound of burger and ground pork fried mix.  Nothing was spiced save the bacon.  Dang tasty for being cold.

I'll see about getting on to more soon.  Just dragging.  Ah, meds... both missing and titrating up can jack exhaustion.  I can try to push through.  Isn't always possible.  I'll do... something, if it breaks something.  Going to have to use force.  So tired.  And the ghosts of thoughts intrude.

Not the best.

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I almost made it to bed early.  The eggs caught up with me?  I... seem to have a problem with eggs.  I am going to try to figure that out.  I will continue consuming, hoping to work that out.  If not I will take a look at other options.  These already are gooder(tm) eggs.  I don't think my store even stocks gooderer(tm) eggs.

The thing is, I was forced by system errors to remain conscious, vigilant, a few extra hours.  Not down until 23:23.  While that is typical of late, I would like to dial that back so as to attempt to maintain days.  That has become possible, sometimes.  Which is seeing me awake at 10:00.  And a bit sore and grumpy.  Me?  Grumpy?!?  Shut up.  Actually I am very rarely grumpy.  Rant mode isn't the same.  It is like when the tea kettle whistles or the computer taps it's results through the printer, nothing more.

The neck is twisted off course, the obverse of my liver has it's panties in a bind, little bits and pieces else and a minor headache in the left brain where muscle headaches go to die, usually don't last.  Oh, just realized, missed meds.  And I missed a few days ago.  I am taking more, perhaps that is why I am missing, which is why I hurt?  Though increasing doses can have similar problems.  Just working out potential reasons.

Today.  Boiled eggs, dishes, another bath, and the kitchen hit hard.  With food prep for the week mostly managed, if I get the kitchen set up it will stay that way until next food prep days.  While I have a slight fear of eggs, I want to see how the near quiche is cold.  Smaller bites?  Though I would like to try it warmed.  Splitting a smaller portion.  Hmm, adding veggies might help?  Kale in with the warmed portion.  Yeah.

If I do well I'd like to change bedding while at it, then do laundry.  Up late, moving slow, but I think, today, I can.  Perhaps aspirin.  Yeah.  Later.

Not much, not fast.

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Most of the morning saw very few very light things done.  Nothing of which to speak.  Same with early afternoon, though I did call the priest with an apology.  Went to message.  Then I thought I'd get a nap before an expected visit.  Arrived early.  I woke just in time to say hello, mostly, and goodbye.  I try.

Since then I baked bacon, then made an egg, bacon, sausage, olive, and cheese casserole.  It's alright, it seems off just a bit.  The sausage wasn't the best.  The olives were a bit old.  But it will do.  I am, mostly, waiting for it to cool to put up, then... closing on bedtime.  I wish I could have boiled eggs.  Tomorrow.  And more bacon.  The stuff I got was thick cut.  Usually $12, for two pounds.  I only got it because it was half off.  I don't care about sales, only pricepoints.  Thick cut bacon at $3 a pound will get my attention.  Especially a gooder brand with no obvious defects and not overclocked.

I am not losing weight, I am definitely getting thinner.  It's almost spooky how fast.  I am hoping it continues.  I had thought about a suit, but there are serious limits as to how much they can alter.  It is going so fast that I'll be ordering a 38 belt, along with a 36.  I am at the 38 or less.  I'm not trying at this point, it's just doing it's thing.

I best turn down the heat and begin cooling down myself.  Good night.

Memory can be a good thing.

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Not always.  Some things in the past have been buried.  Who knows what remains in the dark depths.  From what has been unearthed I don't believe I wish to know all.  Actually, after a local event I will begin attemting to put some things dug up back into the dirt of the past.  Without a name there is no place in my life or in truth.  Not sure it is possible to rebury a memory but one can try, with a little help from friends... not the chemical, but mundane and conscientious, kind.  Even if one is considered dragonborn, and as such only possibly evil, as with those bearing the mark of Cain, best not to make things worse.  Especially a breed of those two.

Ah, but some, probably most memory is good.  I tried to remember when I went down last night and did!  It has been a while, especially when stretched, that I could remember.  Down at 23:23.  Awake at a quarter past nine.

Dreams.  Several.  A childhood friend.  I hope he is okay.  I have some worries about him, he was going in some dark directions then.  I tried to redirect. It may only have been a phase.  I have done dark things, but usually within authority... pushing things or at the bleeding edge, if maybe just in my mind?  Dunno, none of my business now.  I'll add him and his family to my prayer list.  He was one of the few friends whose family was well known to me as well.  To that point.

Other dreams.  I... they have fallen out of reach.  Nothing fancy, more like real life only while asleep, as far as I can remember.  However it was as if I had been awake most of the night, just dreaming.

I forgot to call the plumber's secretary, thankfully she remembered to call me.  It is set.  Depending how this goes, I may have him back to set up the en suite in a few months.  Which means I will need to remove the vanity, install shelving, cut the shelves for pipes, and get flooring in?  Ugh.  Well, and clean the room and living room.  Pftftft.  Three months?  As is, I will want to finish the kitchen, keep the bathroom up, and pull the r.o. in advance.  And do any last bit of cleaning while under there... perhaps yanking the plumbing out while at it.  I'll shut the water off when he asks.  Something I will ask about is a couple of inside shutoff valves.  Probably not with this batch, just...  Ugh.

Today?  More cooking then cleanup.  I got the veggies, the ground meats, and the roast.  I am planning to fry bacon, boil eggs, and make egg ramekins to be frozen.  The ramekins are an experiment.  While doing that, digging into the kitchen as time and energy permit.  I'll... get right on that, in a bit.  Gotta wake first.  Later.

Not only cabbage.

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Started at cabbage.  The two on hand were too small for steaks.  Quarters are fine, especially since I was steaming those.  Kale was still fresh, and I had rutabagas.  I deciced to roast rutabaga fries, using the smaller rutabaga sliced as fries then in with butter.  The big 'baga was sliced as thick ham steaks and steamed with the leafy stuff.

Yeah.  I may not be a huge fan of veggies, but I enjoy from time to time.  The 'fries' were fantastic, the best.  Next, if in a hard leafy green way, was kale, if good vinegar was the coup de grâce.  The cabbage and steamed 'baga and cabbage with butter weren't at all bad, just weren't as snappy if being milder and more common to me.  Just a bit of each, save the fries if there really weren't many in the end.

Taste, flavor, texture?  The fries: they all but bit back.  Beside having an al dente tooth, they had a caramelized stickiness.  Not quite to were it literally sticks to the teeth, it just seems possible.  And it was sweet, as a sweeter sqash and a bit more.  With the richness of butter, quite a treat.  The kale: there is your acid dish.  The sparkling slightly sweet punch of cider vinegar to offset the hard green medium bitter works well.  It also has bite but no tacky feel.  The steamed rutabaga: slightly sweet, but thick.  Done this way one could almost call it the perfect (of sweeter) squash.  No thick skin to bother with, if peeling, as a potato, is required.  It has a softer yet still mildly toothy texture.  You could easily go without butter, or go the other way with brown sugar and marshmallows and no one would notice... save that one freak, if I think they are guessing or going off your tells.  And cabbage?  What is there to tell?  I do cook it softer, if I think steaming allows for that to a greater degree.  With butter it might be plain, humble, which adds to it's value.  Or one could put it with meat, using drippings as the fat as a perfect mix.

Hmm?  Oh, probably the roast next.  It's beef, so it needs to be seasoned and allowed to come to room temp before being seared then roasted, if I could fry the ground beef and pork together for crumble... good in salad, by itself, with beans, rice, or eggs as a sausage side or omelette ingredient.  Love that stuff, when I can keep up on it.  Yeah.  Then on to eggs?  Maybe.  Bleh.

Gah!  Forgot to call.  Tomorrow.  I am used to more floor in my morning.  This day was quite thin.  I should be able to call the plumber, see about that.  Yes, I got a faucet.  A Moen, I think.  They didn't have any good chrome, those were all plastic.  I went with a stainless.  It will match the sink.  And the disk isn't in the water.  I made sure they carry the cartridge and bought one.

Well...  A call, a nap, I almost can't think.  Later or much later.

Mostly better.

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I couldn't sleep until almost 6:00, waking at a bit past 11:00.  So a bit of a mild headache and a few other complaints is to be expected.  Sleep was good, just a bit short.  Making such a long trip when not quite ready will throw things.  I am surprised I woke so early, given all, and so well.  Today?

Today.  I would like to do the cooking, perhaps enough for a week.  Then to make a few calls... beside an apology, I haven't heard from the woman who handles the plumber's schedule.  I don't want her calling on The day, I want some advance notice.  If a few other chores can be squeezed in that would be great.

Oh, had to laugh. Was getting videos pushed, suggesting psychosis, narcissism, etc.  Only a thin skinned (and they should be as their "profession" is a fraud and if they don't know that they got through on looks, buckets of money, or pure twattish liberalism) psychologist or psychiatrist would suggest someone willing to suffer for understanding even back then, let alone able to know guilt well enough to inventory then contritely seek to confess both sins against others and self could be such.  Funny thing?  They can't just go away.  If they think they go unseen.  Oh, you are seen.  Now you may go away.  Or face what is becoming obvious even to you and choose to learn.  Pain, fire, the truth, God, will set you on the path to choosing virtue, first of mundane, then of divine, nature.  All else, which includes your indoctrination, is false.  I'll keep you in my prayers.

So very stretched.

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I have nothing to grasp.

Good and bad news.

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The mistake was mine.  There are two churches in that city, I had thought there was one.  The call will be an apology.  Thankfully, as sad as that is.  I wasted his time.  The only thing I wasted of concern is gas, on my side, but it was my error.  Well, can't say I don't eat it when it's on the table and just desert, even were it lethal but fair, or at least right.  Fair?  Christ on the cross, His passion, means it can never be fair.

Even so I won't reschedule.  I will find another, obscure my id, and do other things.  It... who I am shouldn't be part of it. I am doing what I am doing for a particular reason that has nothing to do with obscurity, if... well... that may now be part of it.  Just... going with a gut feeling.

I... hoped there was another answer.  Though priests can be called away or else.  I kept thinking, dug.  No one wants to be rejected, not so... deeply.  As mentioned, it isn't God who might fail, as every fatherless, and three-time failed father fatherless would know, once faith is gifted, but men who fail.  Thankfully no pattern, probably.  That it was just a mistake, and mine, restores strength to resolve.

Yeah.  Silly old Doomster.  Chasing shadows, ranting at ghosts, getting angry at shades...  So tired.  So much work.  So little to give.  If I do ask for much, I try to meet in the middle.  Gah!  Later, or more likely good night.

Oh well.

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Everything I could pour into getting ready was burned.  A standing bath, washing hair, figuring out the outfit, tying the tie, even just a dot of aftershave.  Not too much, just enough to hopefully seem appropriate.  I couldn't actually shave, no mirror where needed, with running water and working drain.  I did what I could with the trimmer.

All that, and yet I was pretty sure.  More yet to do and it was done.

Then the drive.  With rush hour, something I had not calculated, the drive was roughly an hour and an half.  Thankfully I planned with plenty of time, arriving an hour early.  Actually, time wasn't making sense when I was ready, so it was just literally a hope and a prayer.  So I read, since I was early.  Then, as the time approached, I found a place where I could see both parking lots and a back entrance.  Time. rolled. by.  To the time.  Late.  Later.  Too late.  I... was pretty sure there would be no one there.  Yes, I knew.  Not saying I knew why.  Probably, not for certain. Yet.

One outright refused to schedule a confession, one accepted but did not show.  A pattern?  I will call tomorrow.  Will someone answer?  I won't reschedule.  I will ask if I am being excluded.  I don't know if they would tell me.  A lot of politics, government and other big money, and darkness, in the church.  But it mostly isn't out in the open.

President Trump, if you want to save religion in America, stop federalizing it.  If the church leadership can survive without our money they can completely ignore our input. Big money already has an outsized input.  Add the fed, and states, and all the poison that comes with it, and you won't end up subsidizing, sustaining, faith, you will end up murdering it.  If that is truly what you want, I'd advise you to be much more cautious with your wishes.

It was foretold that a time when confessions, the Eucharist, and such would become rare.  While my circumstances might be rarer, isn't it the canary which spells doom?  I'll... try, again, sometime, somewhere.  Exhausted.  I tried.  As bp is going...  Soon, just in case.

Dishes and what passes for a bath.

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Nothing fancy.  All a bit sloppy.  Washing out of a sink, for Marmaduke sized dogs is, well, you get what you get.  Now for a shave.  No mirror where I have a functional drain, so no.  Ugh.  I've trimmed, I guess that is that.  What else?  I do have things to do, and I will do them.

Making a list, checking it twice.  Chemicals, cigars, and other things might burn, but there is worse.  I might not yet be a saint, but it is the direction headed.  Fast enough?  Does any one honestly believe so?  When things get harsh, or if they never do, am I willing to die or live humbly?  That is as much as I could suggest.  Hope.

Seeking through pain.

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Peoples have done this in many ways, in many cultures and religions in all time.  Flaggation, hanging from hooks, sweat lodges, tattoos, you name it.  And to various levels for various reasons.  Death isn't the intention, it might well be the outcome.  Further, sometimes more is done.  The mind and soul might be purged along with the body.  A package deal.

In this video, it seems as if the narrator is being forced to endure all forms of privations.  Offered no solution but accepting pain, with a way out but only a naked one, he eventually accepts.  Most men cannot go there on there own.  Even if you know the story you realize even then there is a trick.  I needed no such trick.

Ah, the shark stare!

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And more.  I... realize the phenomenon.  I simply didn't know the cause.  It unnerves some, others shield from it by turning away, while others... especially attracted females... dive into it.  As some folk get used to you, or me, they relax and are no longer bothered.  I wondered why folk told me things as if I was a confessor.

Yes, as with being called a coyote, so to have I been called a sigma, which implies the infj personality traits.  It took nearly thirty years to investigate the coyote thing, so it only taking a decade or two to review sigma and infj traits is... an improvement.  Not that I am an absolute believer, although when the shoe fits?  Of course, there is the notion that people want to be whatever they hear that sounds good, or to them.

Not a bad morning.

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I thought waking would be a bleak affair.  The strange wake, it was wondered, would cause problems.  As is, other than the tickle with breathing and a slower than even usual start, life isn't bad.  Oh, I do know what causes that strange feeling when breathing, it has to do with one of my meds.  I have been eating more the last few days.  Pretty much a normal consumption.  Just seeing if leaving fasting for a bit might help.

Awoke at 9:00, been awake for an hour and twenty.  Struggling to move it all forward if there isn't too much risk of folding into a ball of sleeping ogre.

Today?  I'm not there yet.  I keep having to check the day though, as long as they seem, they can sneak by and a vital one is approaching, and lots of other things are rolling my way.  I have no trouble swatting incoming, I just have to know that I can and should.  Unless there are far too many.  My current risk is shutting down from a sense of being overloaded.  Best not to exhaust myself, pacing is key, while every new thing is extra expensive and being on-call increases the energy consumption of standard activities.

Even so, back to the kitchen.  Surfaces, counters, kitchen table, then floors?  Yeah.  Along with that, cooking.  What I missed the other day, boiled eggs, a roast, ground beef and pork fried to crumble as an additive, prepping a head of romaine... that is pr... wait, egg cups, with bacon (which means bacon fried), that crumble, and/or cheese.  What of it can be done anyway.  Hmm, some of that will be eaten warm.  Basically cooking and cleaning for the week, in theory.

I highly doubt the majority will be done.  I am not sure anything will be done.  However, if I can do something that is roughly the projects and order, very roughly.  Oh, I'll mess with the bedding, changing it out at least with morning prayers.  A good start when focus is available.  Then back to resting for a bit.  Yeah, that sort of morning if it was feared to be worse.

Later.

A double nap?

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Awake at 2:00.  I voted for a full sleep.  At least I expected it.  It has been a while since sleep was off, though not so long.  I am still logging sleep because it was off.  Not for readers, just so I could review from time to time.  Then again this whole blog is a journal.  More private, just grandfathered into public access.  Though readership is dwindling, it surprises me that it exists.

Hmm?  I have no idea.  Something about something else?  I might not be asleep but that doesn't mean I am awake.  Not feeling well again.  It isn't as if I am being crushed, lightly.  Though it seemed so initially.  It is more as if the muscles that allow breath are very tired.  A similar outcome, different cause.  Breathing is work, almost has a tickle to it.  Intermediate work.  I can't be certain if that is what woke me, if I don't think so.  So tired.  Would like to sleep.

I may attempt to go back soon.  Later or good night again.
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Back to bed?  It is 3:30.

I just don't get it.

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It isn't just the conditions, symptoms, and numbers of them, it is the hatred from so many.  Why I haven't died I just don't get.  I have learned to suffer very well.  I don't mind living or dying at this point.  Truly, His will.  I do wonder if suffering here is the price.  When it is foggier I become nearly sure, as sure as possible, that I am in purgatory... and for what seems an eternity, foggy or not.

The pain or absolute absence of it, the times I know it hurts but the cascading issuance cancels the sensations, as waves can cancel sound.  If it isn't too rough it can be interesting to observe.  There is so little else to do at times.  While it may seem all I know is self, and that might be true at times, that knowledge is gained just as externally as if I were you.  As if I were watching a machine, a failing one, taking notes.

As to hatred, I don't really get it.  I just know it exists, smell it.  And from the most surprising people.  What people are isn't at all who they are.  Not always and becoming rarer.  They hate being easily noticed, but it is that hate that makes them so easy to see.  If I were wrong, if they could defend their hatred, they wouldn't quietly, intensively, hate at me from shadows.

I don't fully, even mostly, understand.  All I know is I have been humbled nearly to death, then given some sort of ability to see.  I have been called to God, and hooked up to write, sometimes understanding none or little of it, sometimes more... as this, at least on the simpler meanings.

Just letting you know that I see.  While I have been harsh I am changing some of my approach.  Videos offering wisdom have directed me to, probably, a better way... just adding things to sufferings and moving on.  So I really will simply pray for you.  Yes, I can see.

At 22:36 it is bedtime.  Good night.

Hmm? Getting there.

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Too much, if I'll keep at it.

An appointment for confession is set.  I am not sure there will be time for blessings.  One thing at a time, or as necessary.  Stoked, if in a truly terrifying way.  I will write things down so as not to forget.  Why not Saturday at such and so a time?  Because as I have found, I can't be sure I will be able.  You don't like it?

I'm the schedule cripple.  You don't understand?  I woke up one day and couldn't make my body work, only having rare successes.  Medicine has improved things so sometimes, more often, a few days advance and I might arrange things, if it's on the schedule my system is on.  It's what I have.  So frustrated I tried to end it four solid times.  Brother, you have no idea.  I can't even die.

A curse, until as I was telling visitors today, I saw it for the humbling grace it is.  Still need great help with humility even now, to tell you were it started.  God has taken care of me, all that slips through my ungrasping cold nearly dead hands God seems to manage.  Deserve?  Of course not.  All the worse for the whiles until I... just relaxed into it, if continuing to try well beyond my ability, like a broken child trying to wake, walk, work, right through hopelessness.  As such, the goal is to be there an hour or two early. If the chapel or... if nothing else is open I can pray and read in my vehicle.

With that set I called plumbers.  I found one with prices which work.  A general quote, advice on brands though nothing exact, but no surety of when.  Within the week, I am told.  I'll just work on what can be done until then.  Probably in to see about a faucet soon.  I need cat litter and cat food while at it.  Perhaps I simply had too much on my plate.  Serious stuff, all popping at once as I view the horizon.

Two of three.

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Calls.  Actually three of four, the second and third, if because of a rejection.  One priest said he was too busy this week and... left it there.  I tried one negotiation, was shot down absolutely and all but dared to try again.  I... am catching clues better these days, for better or worse.  Okay.  So I called another.  I am waiting to hear back.  Confession, sacramentals, as a start.  Yeah, I have the list.  This is probably the most difficult one.  As memory improves...  as I learn...  Is it still a sin to miss required masses if a shutin?  I am assuming so.  As with other things.  God might well understand.  Hearing it in confession is still desired.  I will do my best.

The first call was to reschedule the missed appointment.  It seems one chance will be offered.  As to local contact, that won't be given.  The review area changes, so their is no actual single place, or local phone access?  Really?  It will be several weeks to a month or more out.  So I went with the next.  When I hear back, and get that set, or call another priest if need be...  Once set up I will call a plumber.  I just can't set up two blind appointments, they always collide.

Yea, I think I will skip the nap.  I will just attempt to stay awake until early afternoon, at least beyond time for a return call.  Not sure... about some things.  The world is changing.  I may be unwelcome, for right or wrong, or both, reasons.  I will find out soon enough.  Later.

Better. By degrees.

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I have to admit, I had some... concerns.  Not worries, my faith is absolute.  Even should I die before I could make it to confession I have the list ready.  Even while I do not have a blessed rosary, and seem surrounded by darkness, God knows I would be praying that way, am praying in other ways, including working on deeper prayers.  I keep looking, from time to time, neither rosary has turned up.

Better?  Yes.  Mostly in that I don't feel as if I am being crushed.  As to getting to work?  We'll see.  Not feeling lost and oppressed is good for now.  A few phone calls, then a nap?  Maybe.  Sure sounds good.  Want to help?  Really.  Just a short prayer, it's at least as good for you.  Later.

I just can't... take your pick.

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Well, I have done some things.  I cleared free-standing materials under the sink, did light cleaning after.  There is still the reverse osmosis tank and else under there.  Trash and recycling waited to this morning.  I hope I got recycling out in time.  Burned out, washed up, too hot, no energy, nothing.  At least I don't hurt on top of it all.  I have no good way to get to things.  And, yet, I must.

A few phone calls this morning.  Oh, a bit out from the fridge before the trash truck arrives.  If I can, a bit more cleaning under the sink.  A sponge bath would be good.  If I could just... get at things!  Ah, recycling truck, I was in time.  Anyway... just to wake, work, or even sleep.  It's rough and not improving.  Could be worse.

A call to reschedule an appointment, then schedule a plumber and which faucet he would recommend and then to obtain that.  I am hoping for a Moen single handle, or Delta.  I'm not going against his advice.  They rarely make the old kind, most with those prone to fail silicon disks.  Some aren't 'wet', so hard water doesn't cause the same problem(s), or so I have heard.  Failed tech which either absolutely stops drips or requires a complete shutoff of water and total replacement of the faucet, basically sticking people with an unfunded mandate of some sort?  Can't burn the EPA fast enough.  Now to undo their harms!

Oh, what I thought was the recycling truck was for trash.  I may have missed recycling.

Life has been so ugly lately.  I simply can't keep up.  Email returns, work, appointments, more.  Late, tired, off... no pain lately, or I am too out of it to notice.  If I owe you contacts, wait longer.  Be patient.  If I don't die first I will get back to you.  Can't think.  Tired.

Oh, to bed after 23:00, was trying to force getting the trash out.  Up at 8:00.  Later.

Is enough ever enough?

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I think some see.  More than suspected.  Not all can do much, not even all who can do, and see, are willing to do anything.  Some can't even shut up, continuing with lies in spite of no doubts about the truth.  Oh yes, changes will either be accepted or crushing.

Awake, perhaps soon to be at it.

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Sleep was good.  The room was in the low forties, perhaps lower?  I sleep so much better that way, especially when terribly tired.  I think I heal better that way too.  Just is how it is.  Dreams, but their memories aren't lasting.  Dreaming often, for the last few days.  Am I done yet?  It ain't over, I don't know but I'm pretty sure.  Awake at 7:30-8:00, to bed around 21:30.

Too tired.

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Work wasn't possible.  I did eat a bit extra.  I had plans, intentions.  Could not push, shove, break through.  Couldn't focus to write.  Not much, half asleep.  I have been pushing as heavily as possible.  I have wearied my flesh and mind to their limits.  I'll... keep my eyes on the goals and opportunities to chase such.

I am nearing bedtime.  I'll attempt to push through to 18:00.  Good night.

Wought?

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An appointment yesterday, an important one, was missed.  I was in town in what I thought was plenty of time.  I forgot the paperwork with the address.  I knew one of the streets and roughly the other address to a three block range.  It must be new?  I saw no sign, even checking buildings which might have been it.  I stopped at another medical place, they looked it up, but it wasn't listed online or in the phone book.  I called and texted the numbers I had.  Nothing.  I'm only going to take partial blame.  Oh, and I could find no local contacts in the paperwork.  All contacts were out of state.  Really?

A tune that has been haunting me.

Getting somewhere.

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Dishes done, those which were ready.  The little hall and bathroom, toilet sweeping and mopping for what good it does.  More work and time than anticipated.  Still, all good.  I will take some sort of bath, wash my hair, and call it a day.  I still need to clean under the kitchen sink, will need to keep the tub bailed, and will wash the tub out and really sponge out the dregs beforehand.  Either you do it or you pay him $50+ an hour to do the manual stuff.  Only putting in the faucet and plumbing, the rest I will try to have finished.

Not bad.  Four, five, more like six work episodes.  More as bathing in whatever contortionist fashion and washing hair are most likely going to be workouts.  No worries.  Drinking down my last keto slurry.  With using the slurry more often I have been able to go completely without sweeteners.  A week of that and, probably next weekend, I am going to try a three to five day total fast.  Just not ill enough to do it naturally this winter.  That's not much, just something.

Later.

When was bedtime?

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Other than it obviously being after the last post, assuming I am the sole writer and honest... if what you believe is none of my business... I don't know, can't recall.  I am trying to recall a time.  I looked often, even at the alarm clock while lying down the last time.  Memory, however, stops at the action.  I am almost sure it was past 17:00, not sure if I made it to the next or subsequent hours.  Waking at 4:00 (ish).  As variable as sleep length can be that doesn't provide a solid gauge.

Slept well.  Didn't dream.  Don't hurt.  Feel rested.  Am preparing to get ready.  Keto morning juice is going down, plans are being formulated, gears are being spun to check.  In an hour or three I will hit it.  Just from where things were left yesterday.  I will begin calling around later today, but not for work today... set it up for next week.  Ugh.  Should be done and ready easily by then.

All good.  Later.

A bit more.

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Finished, actually, with the last post.  A few minor things, and ongoing.  Dinner, roast beef.  As well I may finish the dishes soaking.  Nothing fancy, just chore by job by project being delisted one at a time or in parts.  I can do that, at least today.

Two work periods and popcorn.

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Not as much done as hoped if there was more there than believed.  Two loads of dishes, two hits on the hall, the tub bailed, a few other bits, then popcorn for lunch.  If I had to bet, I think the drain from the laundry room is also backed into the tub.  There was far too much more water than the drip would have deposited.  So...  Now that does strengthen speculation that there might be an access just for this purpose somewhere along the drain line, probably angled in for snaking.  I will be looking after I have all else ready, before calling.  If it exists, and I can access it, cool.  If nothing else I will know more, to inform the plumber.

As to popcorn, a new way.  I had serious doubts.  A silicone bowl and lid for the microwave.  Had been using an air popper, which burns out rather quickly.  I thought it would be funky, soggy, something bad.  That is whyfor bravery!  As it turns out, it is far superior to air.  Absolutely amazed.  And it will not burn out.  Can even use it in the oven to 450?  Crazy, baby.

Another break then back to it.  Hmm?  Perhaps more keto stuff when I finish the tea.  It helps when it helps.  Later.

Aye.

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The road to nowhere leads to whom?

Much later down.

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As with much else yesterday, sleep would not happen.  All I know with certainty is it was after 23:00 before sleep happened, but not past 0:00.  Waking at 6:23, I believe, easily and well surprised me.  I'll take it.  I am hoping this morning will see a start to the work.  I am not sure all the work before calling a plumber can be done in one day.  The realization, suspicion more, shut down efforts yesterday.  Yes, the mind can pout if given a task or set of tasks it doesn't believe can be done on it's schedule.  Not sure if that was it, or all of it, probably some of it.  Oh well, I am here and now.

The morning mix, minus MTC oil, is going down with medicine.  Instead of MTC oil or fatbombs, which because of calories, are being reserved for food hours, I am adding powdered fruits and veggies.  At five calories I am not worried about that tripping ketosis or even diabetes, but it adds something to bolster, mildly as that must be it is something.  Taste isn't an incentive but not a complete wash... tolerable and I can be a food baby.

Yeah, in an hour I am hoping to hit things.  I keep forgetting about the other sink.  I have to figure out if that drain is clogged.  Since none of the others are I doubt it.  If not I will set dishes up out there.  Then begin clearing the hall so that when clearing the floors after the rest of the bathroom is cleaned I can just sweep and mop on through.  I'll stop with planning there.  Ugh.  Maybe, if I push?  There is more than words convey.  But, maybe.

Not so much.

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Work simply did not occur.  I will not harbor concern.  I have a list, phases with switches, time will manage itself.  I used more keto stuff.  Not all of it as some of it has various limits per day.  When that failed, I consumed extra food, if within the fasting window.  Nothing works.  Ketone readings seem to indicate between 40 and 80, if closer to 40?  Perhaps the system simply isn't burning fat well enough yet?  Or other health is the problem?  I can't be certain.

The plan.

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All has been under consideration this morning.  Short, medium, and long term objectives have been plotted in time space.  As well food.  A new additive is being tried, MCT oil.  Still daily fasting, better at it.  So ketosis slurry is being used, with the oil if variously, not together.  Oh, and I can't go completely without sucra drops.  I have cut it to one use per day and half my usual dose.  It is helping, if two to three shots of the keto stuff on busy days such as today it is hoped.  Busy x 3?

Okay, first things.  A group of projects to be accomplished before moving on.  The bathroom needs to be cleaned top to bottom.  The floor, toilet, tub... as well the little L-hallway needs cleared and cleaned.  Next, under and the kitchen sink itself has to be cleared and cleaned.  Finally some sort of bath needs to take place.  A sponge, or other sort.  Hair is still clean as of yesterday.  All of these things absolutely done, then a call.  In case I find a plumber with the time.

Then the call(s).  If I find one who can do the tub, but not else, I may keep calling.  Regardless if services are available today or not, the plan is to continue cleaning in the kitchen.  If I get the general surfaces and stove/oven done, then I'll begin the entry hall. All done today?  I am not sure I will make the call, might no get there.  Though by tomorrow for sure.

As to the rest?  I won't bother until this pair of batches is completed.  Wishing well, a little prayer for a fool who keeps trying, or such, are all welcomed.

Felt that.

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Couldn't do much more after the last post.  One more different strategy against the tub blockage, several times.  Using baking soda and vinegar, then plunging or blocking it off.  Neither helped at all.  It really doesn't nake sense.  Air seems to be escaping while liquid doesn't were that shouldn't be the case.

I forgot about a better way to void the water... the shop wet and dry vac!  A plastic bag or two as a liner and that should do.  The bucket was good for most of it.  I really didn't want to sop the rest with a towel.  Hmm, though mopping wouldn't be bad either, so the floor could be cleaned while at it.  Though, for emptying the toilet to reseal, the wet vac would be perfect.

Today is for making calls.  Probably, if I can get a plumber in or scheduled, I'll need to buy a faucet.  If he can get to that and the sink that is.  I'll see what he recommends of course.  It would be good to have the tub, drip, faucet, and sink plumbing all done in one shot, if I'll be much lighter in the wallet.  Oh well.

The rest is sort of on standstill.  My schedule is still off.  I can't be sure how things will work.  I can be awake to let someone in to work, but that doesn't mean I can be dressed and out and at an appointment.  One is approaching I can't miss, but it is in alignment with the natural arc of life.  Next week, if days are established, perhaps... so much to schedule... confession since trying to make it at regular times has failed so catastrophically, a doctor appointment, a go with the masseuse, and... something else.  Ugh!  Oh, I may try to get in to the VA for dental and glasses.  If I think there is more.  I get tired just thinking about the list.

I was to bed at 19:30, awake by 4:30.  I like the bedtime, would like to wake at least an hour earlier.  Eight hours, if I haven't pushed too hard, if it isn't to hot or cold, if health is good, is optimal.  Yeah.  I am not prime, if I am not sure what the main problem is.  Might not be a single source.  Everything, many things, at a time or stacked.  Not dying, probably, just not doing well or able to quite catch a break.  It'll get better.

Later.

She was curious.

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A query, whether sigma males ever made what she called a mistake by getting involved with alpha dames.  Well?  My problem is probably more with terminology.  I don't believe dames can be alphas.  I do believe, perhaps, that some rare few may be nephilim.  Which, to her, might be semantics.  We'd have to agree to disagree, until I could educate her.

In that latter case, then yes.  Unlike sigma women (again, not sure I believe in that species of bird, or what such might be if she should exist, as with males or some, also another form of nephilim?) and their disinterest, incapacity to deal with alpha men, sigma males can quite enjoy 'alpha' females.  There will be... hmm... friction.  But, nothing I run from, if not what I seek every time.  Now, I suspect it is difficult for 'alpha' women.  They just don't... get it.  Sex is divine.  But all else for them is difficult.  They know we rule, but don't understand how.  It infuriates them how we... manipulate in shadows.  And how we do it, especially when it works.  They want a share of glory of which we want no part.

Wow, trouble with the tub.

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I have been ripping into the problem off and on all morning.  I tried several sessions of just plunging, just using a bowl over the overflow grate.  I gave up on that, pulled the grate for acces since the drain has crosssectional bars barring access that way.  No go, the snake simply can't cut that corner.  So... I put plastic over the grate, to make it watertight, then have been plunging since.  Two sessions so far.  No luck so far.  May have to just call in a plumber.  The next diy step would be to rent a motorized snake, which might require opening the pipe somewhere else, with rental being as much as a plumber, or more, on top of it.

If I do call I will see if he will do the kitchen faucet and sink plumbing plus dripping faucets while at it.  Yeah.  Which means buying a faucet while at it.  I'll get his advice on a faucet while at it.  Tired.  That isn't a lot of work, exasperated by bending or kneeling though, a lot.  Later.

Fading out and back.

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I stopped being able to do anything, even write, after the last post.  I was able to stay awake to 17:00.  Actually that is almost it.  19:00 to 20:00 is the real goal.  Eight hours down sees me awake for enough of the morning to do almost anything in the day, even with a nap if needed.  The way to make that work, or longer, is to taper work and caffeine... actually all fluids, and foods... four to five hours beforehand.  Easier said than remembered.

Trouble already.  The tub is backed up.  I plunged yesterday, last night, and this morning... the right way, making the overflow airtight.  Nothing doing.  The other sinks and toilet are draining well, thankfully... not backing up into anything, the tub to the sinks or toilet or the other ways.  I'm not sure how to get the plumber snake in, or what else to do.  At least, if I decide to bail, I can flush.  And the water is rather clean.  Ugh!

Today is the day I get back to at least ketosis.  As well as cutting all sweeteners, save for the tiny bit in fatbombs, and those only before and/or after my daily meal(s).  A slug of keto stuff to start out, as after looking some things up I'll be hitting the tub sooner than not.  That blocks everything else.

As mentioned, but for the log, down at 17:00, up at 3:00.  Later.

Sigma, game theory.

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Looking through youtube I saw a vid.  Caught my eye.  No, not a deep, true, believer.  And yet I have heard enough, to put some things together, including... should game be correct or reasonably in the goal zone... what I probably would be.  That is I am a sigma. Even so I doubted some woman would have a clue.  I thought she would be mocking or just so off I could chuckle.  Chicks.  *grins*

A stretch improved.

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Meds probably didn't fix anything.  Tea wouldn't help.  Setting dishes up, after doing work with kefir, wouldn't fix anything.  A glass of milk wouldn't work.  A fatbomb?  Actually, maybe.  If I am truly getting into ketosis, but my body hasn't learned to pluck fat off the bones, or wherever, than tossing easy fat might give it the fuel it feels to be dying to obtain?  I really think so.  Another, then the keto slurry, and perhaps something will be done?

Plans?  Initially none.  Now?  The dishes, kitchen flat surfaces and floor including the table, and the bathroom.  A shower in there, and if timely enough then on to the post.  Yeah, better.  With nothing started this may be a delusion.  Time will tell.  I'd sure like to get to it though, then a bit of shopping tomorrow?  Groceries, mostly?  I'd like to try that pizza, though with meat toppings.  Mushrooms are fine, just never enough alone.

Never did nap.

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Can't be sure, if I believe bedtime was close enough to 16:00 to just call it that.  Waking at 1:30 means extra sleep, and by health probably needed sleep.  Something is just off.  If I can get ketosis a bit deeper, then add intermittent fasting for three to five full days, I think that will help.  I have heard that, artificial or not, sweet flavors will bump ketosis.  I haven't seen that, if I have some worries about blood sugar and/or glucose.  Though just because blood sugar is up doesn't mean glucose is up, if currently only lab tests can show that... as far as standard labs can be trusted.

A bit rough this morning.  Don't want to be awake.  If too it feels as if I overslept.  Sort of between a rock and a hard place that way.  I'll do waking, then the keto juice, then figure things out from there.  I don't think I should consume the keto stuff until I am awake, can be on my feet, or it goes to waste, for parts of it's functions.

I recently heard clergy, usually rightfully, lamenting the laxity of the laity.  On hearing of one who said forty five minutes was needed to get going.  Suggested that if a gunman was at the door, if as a comparative jest, that action would be swifter.  Well, if older I can see extra time being needed.  If habituated, perhaps as well, if easier to change.  In my case, two hours is usually needed.  If a gunman was at the door, as a threat, I'd shoot him and call the police... in two hours!  Tired!

Backing down.

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I just can't do much.  Food and medicine, rest and drink if less, adding keto stuff, naps, adding fatbombs to help ensure enough fat, generally doing what is right.  Simply cannot keep my feet under me. I'll keep at it as possible.

A call to mom.  She isn't feeling good.  Tired, sore.  Her doc wants to check her heart, she doesn't think so.  I don't know, but I know my only real symptom is exhaustion and my only real issue at the start was a bad heart.  It's not what she wanted to hear.  Yes, I know why.  Short call.

A double nap.

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Right at four hours?  I think so.  I thought I woke at 10:00, if it doesn't seem I have been awake for an hour.  Could be though.  I didn't wake wide or quickly.  Still not all that awake if not able to sleep more.  Rot!  Oh, I am hoping to get some things done.  Do you know folk used to patronize hermits, still do.  Perhaps online?  :p

Dishes and surfaces in the kitchen.  Keeping the list small and doable.  If/as things are marked off a single replacement will be added.  A long list, today, is not going to help.  Might fall asleep rereading it.  And I won't be starting for another hour.  Or more.  Trash?  Not much to go out unless I start digging into storage.  Ugh, don't want to contemplate that now, but maybe.

Not much happening. A good time for a nap.

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Just can't focus, yet.  Don't want to burn the day, more of it, off uselessly.  Going down at 5:58.

Heavy lungs. And some get it wrong.

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Coughing water, if I think my plan is paying dividends.  Not literally coughing water, of course.  Well, externally.  There is a pool in the lower lungs though.  It might limit my work, the weight of the fluid and slight reduction in lung capacity sort of cause weariness.  Then again... time will tell.

Oh, mistakes?  I think some people really get things wrong.  Your choice.  Fear if you wish.  Only, if you have become less than nothing, have had many faces, and have seen through many eyes in time and places, the voice or presentation is correct or not based on truths independent of one's personal sense.  That in no way mitigates objective reality, mind you.  Two plus two only, always, and everywhere equals four and just that.

Worn.

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Waking at 22:30 after going to bed at 15:30?  Okay, not as bad as first thought.  And yet, given health, more sleep would have been good.

Weighing in, up significantly, I was initially upset.  Then I realized the problem.  While I have been fasting, I have been drinking a lot of fluid, more than the usual high side of three gallons and nearing four and more.  As well I am not peeing enough.  Why?  That is something I'll have to figure.  It started before beginning the keto slurry, so it's not that.  I am not seeing swelling in the legs or feet, if I have cause to believe the torso, definitely lungs, are wetter than they should be.  An extra water pill for a day or three... gotta watch that too.  Ugh.

On another note, cheking ketones yesterday, despite bad inputs as recently as Thursday, maybe Friday, the readings showed nearing forty.  The slurry seems to work.  I have a dose already going down.  It tastes like an oversweet (if artificially) lemonade, with very mild grit.  No artificial to the goop, so  it is easily tolerated.  The mix is taurine crystals, ketone crystals, and an electrolyte gunk of either lemon or cherry pomegranate flavor.  Yeah, fasting can run you right out of electrolytes, especially if drinking a lot (which usually induces more voiding).  Though the water pill and it's mechanics is probably the main culprit?  Yeah.  That all leads to a potassium loss.  So, beside adding lots of potassium I am adding either minerals as supplements or trying this drink additive.  The fuss to just do what I can!?!

Today?  If able: finish all dishes, check laundry, kitchen surfaces and floor as with bathroom... AND GLASS OUT OF TUB, then the nook... whatever I can do there.  No need to cook.  One portion of potk heated.  As well, when dishes are done, a pot of beans to go on.  Some for refried, some to experiment with a (lower carb) baked bean recipe.  Gotta have sides, if more severe limits to portions really has to be imposed.  Hmm, perhaps rice to?  Only a cup or even an half cup of that a day, max.  But you can really add fats through butter with rice.

Who knows though.  Without shoveling in the way, more may be done than that, by far. Or less.  I can never tell until it is done or I am.  Later.

No nap, bedtime?

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I believe so.  Could try more keto mix.  The truth is I am satisfied with what was done.  I am tired from the work done. And while I am not making progress digging further into the day, I will end up being awake fifteen hours, having cooked two roasts, created enough fatbombs to see me through a week or two, done the dishes at least once, started kefir on the raw milk, shoveled the drive and walk, and... yeah, there was a bit more.  So, I'm good with sleeping.

A funny thing?  There were shards of glass in the tub, shower floor.  I was... unwise in my exhaustion... I just kept washing.  I can't be sure why the bottoms of my feet weren't shredded.  Don't worry, I'll get that out before next time.  Weird but true.

Good afternoon and night.

Rather good.

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A call.  I suspected wrong.  Not my mother even if I called her recently and didn't get a response.  *cough*  The neighbor?  Ah a delivery!  What can I say, I like deliveries, some more than others.  In an hour I was told.  So?  Well...

I was at the last batch of fatbombs.  The one out of the freezer I wanted to work, the peanut butter blend could handle to cool.  Then?  Snow removal.  There was only four to six inches, covering only two thirds of the drive... so I grabbed the shovel.  Then salted.  I was just about to hop in the shower when they arrived.

All good.  A bit of talk, trying to not talk too much.   And yet it is good to converse regarding events and news.  I try to listen, more, now.  I can talk so fast.  All good in their camp, save one with... time and life changing events.  To be expected.  I think I surprised by shoveling.  By the way, I almost thought to pray that this storm be mild, then decided that wasn't best.  Not sure if it is over.

After, I poured the peanut butter chocolate mix into the molds, then put it up.  The other mixes separate, I'll have to work on that.  The last mix seems to stay mixed.  Either my ratios are off, people tolerate it for short-term use, or my ingredients are a sliver off.  These really are mostly starter foods, then rare treats.  Still, if possible, I will seek to improve, possibly perfect.  Then a shower.  Those are loverly things.

Next?  Possibly a nap after I dry and cool off a bit.  I lit the interal furnace today.  Then the pork roast and dishes.  And more.  Who knows, especially with that keto mix.  Keto is really coming together.  With holy fasting taking flank and massages in the rearview mirror, who knows.  Who ever knows?  Later.

One never knows.

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I must admit I didn't think, feel, as if anything I did would help.  The slurry has more than ketone crystals, another addition is taurine.  Anyway, the keto go stuffs were mixed inwith tea.  Pretty hard to gulp though not terrible of taste, just... different.  As I was sitting, surfing, doubting... somewhere in there... my feet found themselves, then put the hands where the will could deploy them, and...  The beef roast was readied.  I season then set for an hour... to both better tenderize and spice the meat, salt pepper and an italian blend.  The timer is set, first to sear then roast.

Not finished.  I then set up some of the dishes, more than half but not so many they would hold me up.  Then a short break.  Before I realized Iwas back on my feet tinkering with fat bombs.  All I have is the better coconut oil.  On the good side I love the taste of coconut, if not the harder fiber chunks (which aren't in the oil, just saying).  Oh my.  Really easy, and quite tasty!  Unfortunately I only have one pop mold, which, mostly, takes on batch per shot.  Next batch will be blended, then cooled, then blended again. No real complaints, just for appearances, though a bit for taste.

The timer already went of, so g the skillet is being warmed.  The dishes were hit once in there too.  Beef is now browned and roasting.  Who knew this stuff worked.  Don't want to use it every day.  Actually it is just starter, fast restart, stuff.  Other timer just sounded, fat bombs... might be ready or... another sampling either way!  I'll give it another twenty?  Meh, I'll leave it alone until after supper, have one or two for desert.

Even if that is all that is done, not bad.  I suspect dishes, several more batches of fat bombs, and the kitchen surfaces will be done.  Oh, and the bathroom plus a shower... already cleaned the bowl, if the lid can get another shot in the shower when I finish in there.  Nice, and keto and fasting friendly.  Amen?  You know?  I think so.  Again.  Amen!

Later.

Awake with hope.

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The hope is that of the hopeless.  There are saints for the impossible, and lost.  Not my soul, spirit, but ability to life seems hidden.  Still, plans.

The goals haven't changed.  I have, mostly, maintained what has been accomplished.  A few dishes and pot and pan need washed.  A few glasses, utensils, large and table, have to go in.  Honestly the rest is staying even.  Which means clearing and cleaning of surfaces, clearing the nook, hall, and laundry floors, cleaning the bathroom, a shower, and food.  Food needs to be worked first.  I realize I am fasting, even now, as much because I can't keep up on food as anything else.  I am using keto grains, once so far, in an attempt to source energy.

I'll hit the grains shortly in hopes of that allowing cooking.  After that I'll see what can happen.  I am hoping six to eight ounces of beef works from that point, and more keto grains if work continues and extra energy is needed.  I won't check bp until tomorrow or the next day, give the stuff a chance to work and besides checking daily is... obsessive.  Not absolutely sure anything will be done.  For cooking, food prep, two roasts and fat bombs are the wants.  Chocolate, peanut butter, and a mix.  I'm not so worried about carbs, at least not to that point.  Assuming I can get it done in the first place.

Awake at 12:30(ish).  Been waking for... an hour and an half already?  Bleh!  Later.

Ah, that time again.

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Little done.  Medicine was reset, plus adding supplements.  Hmm, other than eating, taking meds, feeding and watering the girls...  Oh, awake to the late hour.  That does take it out of me.  Hmm, right, will check the cat litter, feed them again, then off to bed.  I am guessing by 15:40?  Give or take ten.

Worried or hopeful?

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I never can tell, not always, fully, what is considered.  Though I suspect a notion down to a few probabilities.  In this case a fear or hope, dealing with reported bp.  High?  Oppresively.  It's only been this high for a week, maybe nearing two... by feel.  I have had it average 217/170 for six months.  No, one does not make the other good.  The worst merely adds perspective.  The song pulled from back?

Nap.

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Hoping to get a short sleep in so as to get a shower and business done, maybe more.  Going down at 4:55.

BP is whack. And a new day.

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Almost literally a new day, awake at 23:26, after ten minutes of contemplating going back to sleep, then realizing it wouldn't happen.

Yes, blood pressure is way out, 207-198/140-138, pulse at 91-78 (right-left arm).  They say that has no physical symptoms, I think that is only true of those they over (or wrongly, or both) medicate.  Then again, as to cause?  I am taking as much medicine as I dare take and hope to maintain.  Any more and I begin crashing off the stuff.  I have two potential aces.  I stopped taking a supplement which seemed to measurably help, to simplify starting meds wholesale.  I could try adding those back in... on this dose, with those, was keeping it around 150-140/100-90.  Not perfect but much better.  The other thing?  Massages.  Those, after a summer, had my bp into 120/90.  Not sure how quickly it improved but believe it was rather quickly...  If I can set, then make, appointments.  Ugh!

Will look on the net tonight, call tomorrow.  Looking for a place which offers that and medical pedicures, at least to teach better foot care.  I... am not doing something right.  Luxuries?  Taking care of the body is not luxury.  Pills can't seem to do the trick without 24/7 care, if I doubt then.  At the point medicine would control bp and pulse it would at least create medicinal catatonia, maybe death.  I wonder if that was their real goal.  Wonder?  And the feet?  I have to get ahead of that before getting in trouble with that again.  Ugh.

Not great news but I have a plan and some of the assets.  I can start supplements immediately and begin checking into the rest.  And tending my soul, arranging a confession and the blessing of sacramentals.  I have been waiting for regularity, certainty, in my schedule.  That may not arrive so I may just have to arrange things on as short a timeline as possible based on what is probable in hope with faith.

On another subject, the kefir is impressive!  The new stuff.  The instructions suggested the grains would not start growing, expanding, for six to eight milk changes.  Not so, in the good way.  After just four changes I am almos at the point of setting whole batches aside before then having to eat or toss the excess excess.  There are limits to how much can be stored or used, or even eaten.  I wonder if chickens would eat this, cats?  I have nearly a gallon second souring, just to see how well that works.  A newish experimental process.

Later.

Not bad.

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Had to go slow to last.  I haven't seen 15:00 in quite some time, naturally.  The struggle to regain days is far from a fait accompli.  This is just a step in the right direction.  A few more steps before yanking back on the reins.  Better, I don't believe I damaged myself in the effort.

Lead?

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The stuff you don't want in your food, water, or environment.  Beside making you batty, insane if chemically induced not natural, before it does any such thing it causes one to weaken physically.  How I came about that information was... I was doing a bit of touchup regarding a childhood hobby, the fan-boy hero worship of the early explorers, whom I cheered win, lose, or draw.

This particular venture I studied ended in a total loss.  And while it is easy to suggest bad decisions, politics, and false elitist ideals were to fault, it was the same issue whether adventures succeeded or not.  The real problem was their then global warming which caused those waters to freeze over several years in a row.  Do not even take that as anything but a chuckle at modernist tomfoolery by the way.

While there were a number of problems which didn't help, including lead sealed cans, which adds sweetness, and causes exhaustion, the real problem, only one due to it stopping movement until they were far too low on food and wearied from lead, to escape.  Anyway...

What all that resulted in was a consideration.  Could lead be a problem here.  Thus digging.  The EPA, if it's politicized bureaucracy can be trusted *Flint, Michigan* one way or the other, suggests 15 ppm is their standard... though for disolved, particulate, or both I doubt if even they know or have someone in contact with the public who could tell.  Why do they have even those that remain?  Literally what good are they?  Anyway...  If the plumbing is pre-1986, which this may or may not be, lead may be used in the city water connect, pipes, and copper solder.  Okay.

Now, so, how does one test?  More looking.  There are several types of tests.  The first is purchased, tubes are filled and mailed in, and in a week one is supposed to be able to check online.  You are supposed to sign in first, to facilitate access asap.  The problem is signing up doesn't work.  Veracity of tests, access to results, everything about that was dubious.  The other type was water strips.  The problem with those?  Only tests dissolved lead.  So, how do you know?  An expert informed that... you can't know, especially with lead piping or solder or old city connect, as that can add particles at any time.

I checked whether reverse osmosis works on lead.  It does, so long as the bladder remains intact.  How do you know that?  Measure particulate in the r.o. water, then tap.  Done recently but something to keep a closer eye on.  Paranoid?  As tired as I am, no.  Bad heart and all, but this has been unusually bad, more so given my exemplary attention to the details of food, medicine, sleep, hygiene of person animals and environment (given the givens, if not bad even so).  If I am getting lead...  Though I will be removing the one possible source, mostly, shortly.

Down for a nap.

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One project started, filling in a form for autopay on mortgage.  As it is set, assuming all is correct, they file it right, and else, I should be on autopay in two months.  Further, just from the extra, the place should be paid in fifteen years.  Assuming, what, that only a third of full mortgage goes against the place, toward the beginning, I can hope for a ten year payoff... or less, especially if I watch my pennies *cough* and add more at the end of the month.  *le sighe*  I am horrible with money.  Still, it will happen from time to time.

Then saving to get a few things I can't do done, the tools to do the things I can, and parts pieces lumber, etc.  Well, and a little more money for else.  This spring, a new furnace and ac with humidifier, this fall a new fridge and dishwasher as well as perhaps a small secondary reefer for the porch, for specialt items, then, maybe the second spring or fall out a natural gas generater and eleletrical work (if electrical isn't done this year).  Yea?  *crinkles nose*  Sure sounds like money, which means tightening most other belts.

All good in theory.  :p  Later.  Hopefully just a nap.  And thoughts of the better side of things followed by a hard truth.

Small post.

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Awake at 22:15 or so.  Slept well.  Not sure much will be done.  As to fasting, that isn't the current problem.  I have broken fasting with extra meals lately.  That isn't the problem, and shouldn't be a problem anyway.  Just not doing well in spite of being on medicine, sleeping as able, staying well hydrated, and eating even closer to feasting the last three days?  I'll keep making efforts to regain a real schedule, then adjusting that to days while doing what work in the cave is possible.

Later.

Almost folded.

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All plans were falling by the side, one and next.  I began exploding into tunnel-vision.  I was able, if it took faith and dregs of dregs of vapers and something else?  A helping hand.  The post.  I pushed that, not much choice.  Was going to bring the trash bin in, stumbled in, can't focus.  Would like to call my priest, can't keep a sure schedule and more, can't talk at volume.  Had some other calls, appointments, not yet.

Crashing so hard and fast.  Got some things done.  Had to break some hard rules, for whatever that means in the ether where I find, or lose, myself.  Good night.  Right, to bed at 12:47.

There are tricks and there are not.

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Is this not so?

Up. Better again.

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It doesn't take much of a grind to dull my blade, expend all energy, invoke a cloak of fog.  If given some time off for good behavior allows for a quicker recharge.  Though realizing a few things, tending those, helps.  I could not find a comfortable position with regard to pillows.  I finally remembered that when that happens, it's not the pillows but the neck.  Aspirin is the only thing that might fix it.  It did, if taken nearly at waking.  Still, I was able to rest comfortably for the last half hour, so as to reset bones and muscles away from the malformations pain had begun to form them.

Awake at 19:30 or so.

I have found that a set of Hail Mary's is quite efficacious for some things.  Of course a flustered temptation won't always simply wander off, whimpering back to it's dark source without a fight.  Maybe initially, not after being denied too long.  That darkness then seeks to defile the source of resistance.  Keep pushing through, then invoke others.  Some I have known, some I am beginning to investigate more fully... the saints, and a source I am struggling to grasp almost as much as with Mary in the beginning... my guardian angel.  The latter, it seems, is not to be named, just accepted?  As a prayer multiplier, conduit, and with certain talents to enhance holy discernment or direction?  I don't have that down fully, but did use as an ace up my sleeve in the push-back event to good use.  Worked surprisingly well.  Go get em'!  And he did.

Now, to see about today.  I am chalking nothing, save the post office, in.  Though, with the need of a shower, dishes are in the way.  Anything else will... happen or not, as I may.  Just because pain has been hidden doesn't mean the causes aren't still there.  The pain is actually still there.  Live with pain long enough and you learn some bitter truths.  Where you go from there will lead you humbly home or into the hells, starting with denial of that reality then on to denying anything else required to maintain that initial denial.  That rabbit hole is deep.  Don't... deny pain or that reality.  It will eat you.  Know it, treat it reasonably, but don't then double efforts over the pain sensation modifier.  Amen.

Can't go today.

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Just can't.  Tomorrow pretty much for sure.  At 9:17 good night.

Woke? Really? Want to actually wake?

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Yeah.  Oh, I took some hits.  Some I do accept, one... I have doubts regarding.  Harsh, in many ways.  If you aren't Catholic this just... it would be far too harsh.  However, if you wish to know what traditionalist consider, the orthodox, and can keep your feelings in check?  Here you go.  If you are a marginal Catholic, I hope you give it a shot.  If you are strong, this will still sting.  Amen.

Oops.  Almost posted directly.  I hadn't seen this end request before, will have to review.  I do my best no to step on toes.  The request is to send people through a link, to the youtube site?  Very well, Our Times Part 1: Our Lady's View of Our Times - Fr. Ripperger.  It is a workout.  Good luck.

I woke at 4:41 by the way.  The video isn't that long, if not short.  I just took breaks and else.  Later.

A nap.

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Short or longer, for some.  Down at 3:01.

Almost on my feet.

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Technically awake at 20:30.  Tried to bull on back to sleep after waking at 20:00.

I don't know about you, but when my body wakes, good, bad, or ugly, then I am up.  Today I woke between ugly and bad, if I think it will pass quickly enough.  Thing is I didn't want to deal with that spit of time.  It seems I only made it worse.  Some days it is better to take your licks, if not always?  And you can never know which is which.

Dreams, of teaching and being taught.  Of being the humble only to stumble on pride in even this.  The world is full of physical, psychic, and spiritual nettles and thorns.  Can't know them all, must be stung by some before understanding sets in, sometimes often.  Sometimes, for the greater good, some barbs need be simply endured, as Christ taught quite by example.  Many such dreams, though of no previous examples I recall.  The two virtues being prayed to obtain are charity and humility, one from each set... might be the fountain from which the dreams flow.

Hmm?  Today, or what passes for my day?  Well... the completion of what was planned recently.  The completion of the kitchen, the bathroom, the last of the dishes, another load of laundry, and if there is time and energy on to the front room.  I am not as worried about everything, or immediately.  Some days I am slower, some jobs take longer by far than anticipated even working at a solid pace, as well some even larger tasks crop up which weren't anticipated.  Still, that is the goal for the week.  As well as the laundry area and rear hallway.  Cake is the reward if all that is done by next Friday.  Yeah, still fasting, if I am eating earlier in order to kick off work, and will begin using ketone crystals today, later on, as with electrlyte powder, if I break a sweat which I usually do, several times a day with housecleaning.  The bed and morning prayers have been done.  Didn't feel like it, which... is becoming the signal to do things around here.

First, waking.  And crisping chicken in the broiler for the first meal, with beef as lunch and final meal at 1:00 or so.  Yeah.  I hope thos crystals help, if I don't think twice, even once, a day every day is right.  Just starter and special day stuff, after I kick into ketosis rightly.  Though the need should slacken.  Currently at 15 ketones, or the measure of it, considered light.  Not bad given my recent carb dive.

A quickie.

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The other day I presented music, if with mild treatment.  I wish to fix that.

I suggested that this fits on this blog.  However I did not present the notion fully.  At the time of my fall I did consider it unfair.  I lamented grandly, even attempting to dispose of my very life, if physical pain beyond your ken played a part.  Possibly part of why I may have found myself where I did.  As well, there was some wish of this on others, who cared little while enjoying their lives, in a vengeful way.

Food.

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Had to set things aside in order to cook.  I did get most of the way through dishes and laundry.  I was truly hungry.  Beef and chicken.  Pork is also thawed, I just don't have time to cook that.  I'll do that when I wake next.  I will finish laundry, not dishes.  Ugh.  I'll probably be to bed by 10:00.  Same as yesterday.  Perhaps I'll try to push to 11:00.  Blah. Yeah, probably necessary to do laundry and put food up.  Good morning, day, and night.

A short.

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Mostly.  Awake at 3:03.  As if hit by a truck.  No pain, just... as if I was well and truly run over, or otherwise well and truly clobbered.  A bit longer of a nap if I am surprised the sleep didn't end up a full sleep.

The other thing was from yesterday, dreams.  I dreamed of being on the front lines when one side or the other was charging.  A snippet of every war the US has engaged back to the civil war.  War is far too often run by bloody minded idiots, on every side.  I suspect it has always been so.  Be glad if you ever had good leadership to the right levels, and civilian leadership that doesn't try to play tin hat generals (which usually means not a Democrat).  Horrid dreams, like the visitation of Christmas past, was it, only so many more visits.  Each was it's own dream.  Wasn't sure I wanted to share, but couldn't see why not after all.

Later.

Brutal.

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Not pain, just the amount of effort it seems to take to do so little work.  Sticking with it as is possible.  I went through the kefir.  Not a grain to be found.  I, probably wrongly, dumped it all, starting over with the new stuff.  Sometimes, the instructions with the new stuff indicates, if the curds and whey separate, grains won't be visible.  Then just mix, use some of the mix with fresh milk, then watch more carefully.  The thing is I never saw grains with that stuff.  I have two pint jars at it, using the new grains.  What a waste of time, that other stuff!

Another load of laundry through, then one more.  The last of the dishes, mostly kefir jars, and just a few dirty and new items.  Always more if so close to being caught up.  Trash went out, recycling went if just to the bin.  None of the neighbors have theirs out, so I don't know if it is both or just trash day.  Fried, for the moment.  Nap time I suppose.

Down at 0:29.  Later.

A reasonable sleep.

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I would rather return to eight hour sleeps.  Six hours, as to function after, was better until my health couldn't bear the brunt.  Winter seems to demand, usually, a few more hours, to ten or twelve, when as always sleep is possible to regulate.  Still ten hours beats three to five down with three to ten up.  Every day can be as three, with each dragging on for little eternities on top of that.  Just a taste.

Awake at 20:00.

Not all bad.  There are advantages to such a way.  If you ever find yourself in little forevers figure how to capitalize.  Trust me, of mind and soul you can advance at least what you lose of flesh, heart?  Sad the fools who waste it all in the simple.  Further, they will, can, never be true.  Pure indoctrination, in any direction, isn't a path to truth.  There had best be more than mind or memory.  Whole mind, HEART, and SOUL, or it's not enough.

Today?  Trash has to go.  Out and to the curb.  I'd like to hit the toilet and floor in there.  Then any last bits in the kitchen, plus extra... to make the kitchen a good spot better than before.  Clearing the tabletop and opening more of the back nook.  After that, if there is more energy for work, then three things in the front room... boxes from there upstairs, the computer desk together (new one), and perhaps the lovseat cleaned and put out there.  Perhaps a nap some time around what could become the halfway mark.

Nice surprises.

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I was almost certain, after setting dishes for a soak then putting laundry into the dryer, that it was finished.  That was depressing.  Not just because I wrote the goals, but because I really wanted to do them, and thought I could.  Something seemed to pull me along.  I let it, followed.  First the dishes were washed, then set to a rinse.  A minor rest was had, then right back to them.  After those, on to the laundry.  Two towels and a t-shirt needed more time, the rest was ready and is folded and stored.  I'll probably finish the rest in a few minutes.  Especially since I realized it is Sunday not Monday... which would have meant trash needed to go out immediately.  I was sure the atomic clock indicated it was Monday.  All good.  I'll have that out tonight, just a few bags but they need to go.

Next work session, if it stays solid, will be finishing the kitchen up to the last best and change... a bit more... trash, and hopefully on to the front room.  I may feel like I am breathing through lungs with a few too many holes, running on a heart that has no thump, in a world that is only partly real, but I'll do it.  It is what is left to me.  And it doesn't hurt all of the time.

Right.  Calling it bedtime at 10:14.  I am focusing on being to the post this Tuesday as my next time-stamp event.  The reason I haven't set up any appointments I suggested is because my schedule is raw chaos. Until it becomes regular in some meaningful way I just can't risk the trouble.  Prayer on regaining a reasonable schedule would always be welcome.  Hey, I never ask for a dime, don't even advertise.  I'm not even pushy, just a thought.

Good morning, day, and night.

Some of it.

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Laundry wasn't what I thought.  I always forget that making the bed is part of it.  Not always a major thing.  When crawling, or attempting it, out of the crypt, everything is a lot of work.  Late to start but all is good.  All laundry went back with the bedding.  A shower shortly thereafter, with those clothes going back as well.  Now just a bit of a rest.

More was done though.  I have changed two of the three litter boxes.  The girls seem happier if done in parts.  So be it.  The last one will be reset after setting up the dishes.  As well I set up the nesting bowls and strainer for working with the kefir... to extract the grains.  Tonight, today?  Maybe.  Having it set up means imminent.  Dishes will be set to a soak when water is heated and I am rested.  Then a short rest and water recharge (needed? maybe in this cold) and laundry will be started.  Just one load tonight but all the way through to folding or hanging and putting away.  The laundry may or may not get done.  Oh, and trash needs to go out.  Bleh.