A busy yesterday.

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Finally got tags on the suv updated.  And, with that, taxes on the house.  Or the fees anyway.  As well, an inspection and oil change.  Grocery shopping, mostly enough for the month, assuming electricity.  Save... no hamburger?  I didn't check tp, or such.  I have that.  Everything looked pretty thin, but I was able to get my needs, mostly.  The walmarts (we have two superstores locally), I heard, are closing overnight to restock.  As are other usually 24/7 stores.

It is spooky out there.  What massive aggressive immigration, a terrible drug problem, encroaching government, and other issues couldn't do, a tiny bug seems to have done.  I guess going woke means going broke isn't just economic?  It is causing a real waking of people.  However, the awakening is turning disastrous.  A lot of the freshly awake... need to go back to sleep. Or wake better.  er.

I suppose everybody has to start somewhere?

It doesn't seem like all that much.  To me it was putting the world on my shoulders and going for a walk.  I needed help just to get out.  Boss's brother went along.  Boss had to work.  I will call about hamburger later in the week.  As well, see about cream.  Other than that, I am staying home.  If I have much choice anyway.

Now many of you get to know what I have known for most of my adult life.  Only, for you, recess will eventually be over.  Or the game will end.  Cheers.

Almost better.

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Medicine, for  a week, has been on target.  All of it.  Food has been off.  I haven't been up to getting out.  Therefore I eat what I have.  I stocked up on foods I can occasionally eat.  Sales, not the virus.  But that is what I have currently.  I have packets of fish and meats arriving... probably.  Still, I need to figure out else to eat with it.

Oh, so why a return to beans and pasta, et. al.?  The "low carb/index" foods are expensive and don't do any better, even if I do their recommended doses.  It might work for people without glucose sensitivity, but I'd lay heavy bills against, if I were a betting man.

As well, that all tastes horrible, or worse.  If I must go with certain foods, it seems that the original, traditional, not only cost massively less and doesn't do any worse for blood sugar, it tastes vastly superior.  I've tried wheat, seed, and seed wheat mix variations, and other stuff.  It just doesn't work.  Still, small doses, and only a few times a month... unless stuck in an epidemic.

I am almost ready to start working.  Even my gaming was, is, really off.  When you can't even enjoy easy pleasures, that is when life can really be difficult.  Working on things.  I am really hoping to fix things around some time this week.  I keep dreaming about working.  Not as fast or heavy as I would like, but... some of it.  It seems even dreaming I know limits.  Later.

Amazon is on fire.

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As well, UPS and other delivery services.  Between lack of local availability, hostile possibly ill crowds, and the ease of door delivery, Amazon, Walmart, and other online retailers are the way to go.  I already had my tp order in, I keep... plenty in stock.  A woman would burn through my stock in months, I feel sorry for married men, especially with daughters, in this area.  I actually think women use it regularly, eat another third, then sacrifice another third to some unknown to men god of pericare.

I am ordering a few extras this month.  Recently decided to order food, packs of tuna, chicken, and such... single serving, easy to take some, or share out, shelf stable.  I am, mostly, staying one step ahead of the "buy it all" crowd.  I get it just before prices go skyhigh then the products just become unavailable.  I have some stuff, but a bit more is good.

The real problem is shipping.  They can't or won't tell me when items will be arriving.  That was a real concern with the toilet paper.  Sitting on the porch any length of time could see it disappear, irreplaceably.  Actually same with everything else I am ordering.  The next day, much of it is offline or costing more per item than I bought in 24 packs.  So, I check midmorning and midafternoon, plus at bedtime if I remember.

I will give some out, if asked.  Of anything I have, if I have extra.  Preferably in trade.  If they have extra meat, or cans of vegies.  Actually there is a small family I need to check on.  They have been good to me and are good for America.  A family, these days, is precious.  I already checked on two other families.  Hmm... actually, there are two families I will check on.  None have needed, yet.  There is always hope.  It's a duty.

Later.

Very rough.

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Managing.  Keeping on meds, mostly.  Trying to keep fed, hydrated.  Aspirin when the pain gets to be too much.  Duck, cats, and myself.  It's... working.

Both of the ladies are laying.  Not both, every day.  One is daily, the other, which had stopped laying, is back to two for three or four days, if temperature seems to play more of a part.  I'm glad to see it, as much for her as for me.  Probably more eggs than I need, but... it's all good.

I dreamed that I started working on the house.  Sorting, boxing things to stay and go.  And, so, that is my goal.  A timer set, a few hours in one or maybe two areas.  Sifting, boxing, tossing.  As soon as I get half of it gone through, I will order in a dumpster.  Hopefully a month and two loads?  Some of it is old furniture and bedding, so... it isn't quite what it seems.  And boxes will be packed light for easy carry.

I need to eat and wake first.  I've been up a while, but it's been a tough morning to get started.  Oh, tried a new flavor of toothpaste.  Fennel... black liquorice.  It was either going to be super or gross.  I'm telling you, it is fantastic.  More, it pairs with the mouth wash exceptionally well!  All non-fluoride.  I have started flossing, but just at bedtime.  I wanted to be stocked up before I restarted that.

I see president Trump is beginning to take wuhan seriously.  No complaints, on one side.  He, as most, are used to plowing through.  He didn't become a billionaire, then spend decades preparing to run for then become the president by being a sissy.  Absolutely fair.  But... this isn't a sissy thing.

I wish they had shut things down a month, even two months ago.  I still don't think it would have stopped the spread, but it might have slowed it.  Too open of borders, land, air, and sea.  Too many bigwigs who do as they damn well please... has Hanks returned?  But slowing the spread... unless reinfection is real, prevalent, statistically significant... as well... if the previously ill become carriers.  Do you have any idea what those last two concepts mean?

Anyway.  I realize, especially with the absolute wall of lies out of China, our bought bureaucracy, and our Judas big biz, plus their influence, Trump didn't have recourse... until it was far too late.  Now to close schools and businesses until real understanding is available.

Will this hurt the economy?  It was, has been for years, a zombie economy.  Empty cities around the world, empires of skyscrapers, parking lots of unsold cars, and more... just to keep people employed while burying printed debt acting as money.  Perhaps this will... sort some of that out.  It is a warning, or an opportunity.  Maybe bits of each.  Your response will define which.

Hmm?  Oh... I... ought to see if I can wake, then do... something... things.

Odd, medicine.

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Two days back on it and the pain is back, plus extra temporary suffering as my body adjusts to the breaks and full back being applied to an out-of-control all forward engine.  I was going to hit... something... eventually.  Medicine is a brick wall.  A thinner one than a heart attack or stroke is all.

I actually have hurt, I just didn't feel it.  I finally burned.  The pan was only 350°.  I am not sure if I am failing, if it was because the handle was a massive piece, or chrome instead of cast.  It took the skin, about the size and shape of a quarter, off.  But... it didn't hurt much.  Nothing else seemed to hurt either.  I suspect everything hurt, but I couldn't feel it.

Medicine allows me to more directly feel pain.  Even so, the burn is minor compared to my innards and else.  Now that medicine has allowed pain to again be sensed.  As well, I can more easily remain celibate off medicine.  Not even close to perfectly, especially when the dreams flood in.  But on medicine my will collapses, especially initially.  Dreams, daydreams, visions, scents, ghost sensations... medicine floods my perceptions with... memories?... of her... many women.  I have sipped deeply from that garden.

As well, 74° to 76° couldn't always keep me warm.  Now, 70° is cooking me.  Too hot!  And with a muscle shirt, not even a t-shirt.  Odd how that works.  I ought to see if my reactions are normal.  Then again, I just started over 32 mg of stuff most people, even close to my size, max at 6 mg.  Some take as little as 2 to 3 mg's.  So... I may be a tadge unique.  I would like to understand the mechanics though.  Later.

She runs.

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Battery reconditioning did it's job.  The reason I thought there might be more wrong is it wouldn't shift.  I wanted to put it in neutral, so as to push it a bit in order to get the trash barrel out easier.  It wouldn't shift.  Might have been frozen?  All I know is, with the battery charged all else works.  Got the trash out, barrel back in, while out checking things.  I think someone, Boss, left a light on.  *sigh*

Heart medicine seems to be helping blood sugar.  Enough that I will have to be careful.  What had been lowering it a hundred dropped it 215 points, to 84.  A fatted tea brought it up to 124.  Slippery damned slope, some days.  It's why I check more often when anything changes and I am out of it.  Which... is usually.

Daydreaming about a major snowstorm.  Yet feeling like it is summer again already.

Wouch.

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I started medicine again yesterday.  I thought it had jus been a few days off.  I had been able to hear my heart through my chest, and feel the dry pound as if a sledgehammer striking iron on an anvil.  The medicine stopped both of those phenomena nearly instantly.

Do you have floaters in your eyes?  Mine became as visible electric currents.  My eyes dilated to were even in my shadowy cave, on a cloudy day, I could barely keep my eyes open.  Blinded by even shadow.  And green about the gills, as if blood sugar had collapsed.  I checked that, not the case.

A bit much, but I survived so will continue.  As well, try to stay up on insulin.  I missed last night, as meds destroyed me.  A shower this morning.  Trash out.  Tried to start the Xterra, but the battery is down.  I set up the charger, will see if that works, if it is all. Something seems really wrong though.  Sabotaged?  New battery.

Overheating, bodily.  Have been for a week.  Upstairs is only dropping to 61°.  Outdoors is in the high 20's to 40's.  But it seems so much warmer, inside and out.  I keep dreaming we are going to get a severe snow.  So far just rain?  The weather is... odd.  I would guess, with China down for the covid19, natural patterns are trying to reassert themselves.  And no amount of tinkering will put that jack back in the box.  I like Trump, but he is absolutely on the wrong side of this, even if it ends up mild.  A simple 40% rate of infection with a humble 6% kill rate is over seven million dead.  Close the borders, quarantine... many.  Quit with your Democrat blase notions.

Don't believe me?  Look at everything from stocks to toilet paper...  quickly trading places of value... perhaps use.  Toss in oil and trade, public venues... the people have voted.  Don't... screw with the herd.  Right or wrong, don't be in it's way.  And don't make it look like you endanger us.  Friendly advice.  Truly.  Oh, and do ensure t.p. stocks and limited access to that.  Your wife is lovely, but telling her to ration t.p.?  Doh.  I can, dimmly, imagine her rages.  Does the WH still have a dog house?  Or wherever you are living?  Don't long dog houses by shorting t.p.

A bon mot?

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Requested.

Proffered.

I don't believe the hour is now.  But that could change.  It would need to become much more lethal, quickly.  Well, and a thousand other things, plus peace and... more.  Assuming the numbers we are being given are accurate.  Somehow, even in the States, I think they are dumping bodies and chasing down people with lethal precise accuracy.  Will never know the real numbers or truth.

Or?

Such a mess.

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I've been back trying insulin for a while.  Readings are a bit high, wrong foods.  Can't concentrate.  I have, again, fallen off heart medicine.  The medicine dispensers, without clear panels, don't work.  I simply lose track.  I need to see.  I will be ordering more clear ones today.  I do my best.  My best just isn't always good enough.

I have been playing a game.  In it there are daily activities.  There is no punishment for missing a day.  It's just that advancement slows to a crawl.  I have been playing for a month and an half.  The learning curve is steep.  I have a main character leveled enough to technically play any content.  But it doesn't work without top gear, specific skills, and a practiced, memorized, skills and weapon ability rotation.  I haven't even figured out where to begin finding gear, or in places I can survive.

I do the dailies.  But not on a regular schedule.  I really can't keep a schedule.  As a fact, the harder I try, the worse it gets.  I almost lost a few days... or did... trying to put too much in a few times, and then trying to stick to more exact times.  Easing up on the throttle, sleeping when the body demands it, and naps, have... helped.  It is something.  Not a life, not a job or education, but... something.

I'll get going again.  Ask other players.  Check a few sites.  Trash out today, a shower, and some cleaning?  I can hope.

It wasn't a dream.

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As I woke this morning, I remained there a while longer.  Usually, when I wake, I pop out of bed as quickly as mechanically possible.  That can vary, not by much but it feels like a large difference.  Some rare days I have to decide if it is time, if I can.  Today it took five minutes to decide, mostly eyes closed.  As the decision was made, I opened my eyes, in the dark, to facilitate readiness.

As I rested there, eyes open, I noticed something coalescing in the dark.  Sam!  Odd how she moved. As dark as it was... I do have exceptional eyes, for some things.  But... no.  Right as I was reaching out to pet her, I realized something.  The door was shut.  She couldn't be up here.  It wasn't her.

Such dark coincidences.

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Sleeping way too much.  Little choice.

Dreaming.  This time very simple... dreams?

She was massaging my shoulder.  As she did when she wanted to wake me in a pleasant mood.  I'm easy, if you work with me.  Each time, I did actually wake.  Promptly obtaining a bloody nose.  Twice.  I was about to be happy to see her.  I found myself, alone, in the dark, with a bloody nose.

The scent of... a stranger?

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The, uhrm, intent? theme?  The design was clear. clean.

She has been whispering in my ears for days.  I called those echos.

It can't be you!

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My Jesus wouldn't call on you!  Confused, sinful, even an abomination!

Wha?

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Shouted whispers.  Confused.  Confounded.  Too much, too loud.

A visitor of the mind.

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He was a dream.  Or so he presented.  I... watched, discerned.  After some time I realized he was not us or of us.  Powerful, in his skills, this one.  Unlike most of his kind, he not only mind walks and cloaks his presence consciously, he chooses his targets.  I... am sure he has dream raped women, accessed data, gotten material advantage, through his... talents.  Difficult not to abuse such power.  And terribly few those who can see him, know.  I am terribly rare.

He wasn't here for... nefarious reasons.  He is travelling East.  He thought I thought he was a dream, mostly.  For the most part, I let him believe... as well as I was able, for as long as he would.  Questions.  He wants to survive, return.  Escape if need be.  He chose me for real, serious, reasons.  He... knows.  Knows too much, now.  But can't prove a damned thing, and further, knows too what I know about him.  Shhh.

I told him it is half who you are with in a survival escape mode.  Another half is knowing where to go and how to get there.  As well, it is a hundred percent luck.  He decryed that the total was more than a hundred percent!  He thought me toying with him.  He was about to go.  I settled him, got him to stay.

Struck a bone.

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Hmm?

I see you too.

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Putting bits, pieces, and parts together?  Is this what you sought?

Girls are such freaks.

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Still?

Happy Valentine's Day.

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Not... me to you or general.  It had to be her to me?  Directly, through intent and algos?

What a mess.

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It isn't the worst mess I have been in, by season or otherwise.  It is a tangle though.  Right as soon as I have it together it all falls apart, or bits do.  Medicine was on track.  Insulin and or food went wrong, if food seemed needful... psycho-physical recovery from the dive to and probably below 51 did a number on me.  I then dropped so fast, again, that it hurt.  So a last pasta dish.

Yesterday it started at three and a quarter, but was down to one and three quarters by days end.  Today it is two and a quarter starting out.  As funky as things work, I will be conservative with dosing.  Do not want to hit below a hundred, yet.  In a week, maybe.  Still, my blood sugar does whatever it wants, sometimes.  I wasn't dosing heavy when it dropped so steeply.  It just did a stupid slide.

Now, though, to get back to other meds.  I just got back on them then a few days on fell back off them.  Struggle?  Oh yea.  My will, and ways, are good.  Somewhere between those and mundane application, something breaks down.  I die little deaths, lose bits of... things.  But do my best.  Nothing new.  Actually doing far better.  Even in the falls I realize I have fallen.  It doesn't take months to even realize my... situation.  Further, I can function, lightly, in the fall, if need be.

So... Yes...  Better.  Not great, not to good health.  Just... better.

Beginnings.

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New ones.  Sometimes daily.  Sometimes every few months to years.  In different areas, though overlapping happens.  Another as the week ends and hopefully as the new week begins.  Medicine is helping... if I missed half of today.  It happens.  Food and insulin in, but the last round of pasta, carbs in general.  Now I go clean.

The tub, after this and that every day, finally cleared yesterday.  At the end of the day.  So I took a shower this morning.  I will take another tomorrow.  Wonderful!  Needed!  As well, I have started doing bits around the house.  It looks worse for it.  Darker, colder, worse, before it can get better.

Yeah.  Oh, and quite a few Valentine pleasantries recently.  Oh yea.  And a few swipes.  Having a vagina must be nuts!   Hrm, nutz anyway.  About bedtime.  The girls will be tripping over themselves to be in with me.  When clean, especially after a bit... it was far too cold for a sink bath lately... and they can't stay away.  I'll have to be careful... only two cats but they seem to be everywhere when I am sleeping.

I was so sure...

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I thought she was a... I thought she was trying to be cute.  Read as rude.  I don't play well with (other)? psychopaths.  Especially my kind.

It has to be?

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Responses.  Someone thinks she's got it?

Fast, brutal.

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Blood sugar was down to 142 several hours after dinner.  Very good, but too fast.  A major headache, feeling green, and not doing well.  I didn't take large doses.  Keto, it... if you have been on it for months, years really, you go right back to it.  I did, but the bod wasn't prepared.  No time to adjust.

I just took a carb chewable and a pile of aspirin.  Time will tell.  Rough.

I grilled meats for the week.  Meat isn't all that tasty.  Winter culls?  Foreign?  Old?  The roasts look wrong.  The fat looks hard, brittle, and cracks.  It doesn't look like natural fat.  And there is so little of it.  It looks marbled, but isn't by taste.  I am not sure what is wrong with it, but this isn't good beef.  I think they are replacing chuck with round or leg.  I can't find real chuck, or good chuck?

A load of laundry went through.  I found rubber gloves for dealing with the tub.  I did several small tasks in spite of feeling so awful.  Burning up too.  I am ready for a sink bath tomorrow.  Just... not today.  Several in a row would be good, if possible.  So rough.

It looks like blogger has dumped spellchecker.  It was pretty bad to be honest, often prefering British or other foreign spellings.  As well, it looks like youtube is yanking PS4's.  It keeps wanting me to switch browsers.  As best as I can tell, that isn't possible with playstations.  Oh, and someone was on my playstation account.  I had to redo the password, log off, and restart, to get it to work for me.  Nasty out there.

Anyway...  :p

just... because...

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Some of these have been vexing me for a long time now.  The rest?  Longer.

Back to keto.

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In part a response to the drop in blood sugar, in part an attempt to break out of winter's grasp, I spent a week on the wild side.  No booze, not sure my body can handle that stuff anymore.  Beef and beans by pounds, spaghetti or pasghetti as I prefer... two rounds, and mac and cheese... with tuna in the last half, as examples.  Big meals!

Oddly, it didn't do... anything... except drive blood sugar to 400.  Fasting, premeal, and postmeal, insulin in mega doses, always 400 give or take ten.  Officially switched yesterday?  Yes, but only had one carby meal the day before.  Blood sugar is already down to 250 fasting.  That will be the high.  Now to see how fast it can be brought down, hopefully without death or coma.  Hmm, I ought to check about more carb pills.

Nothing done yesterday.  I think a cold front moved in?  I fell, hard.  I did a few tasks.  A load of laundry through, finally again keeping up on cat litter, trying to brush the teeth three times a day... yea, I... try.  Today I sorted clothes and brushed first thing.  That is fairly usual.  It is later brushing I often miss... bedtime is the most common miss as I just plunge crash.

Medicine?  Almost perfect.  I had thought I had missed half.  A closer check shows I only missed two evenings in the last nine days.  Not perfect, much better than thought.  Memory gets so wonky.  As to insulin... I thought I had been missing that, often, too... but the numbers suggest, to me from my experience, that I have been doing well.  But, Doomster, 400?  Yeah, but three to four pounds of high carb food per day, for a week?  Not bad, actually.  I get to 400 in a month otherwise (when unable to three day fast every or every other week, then I can keep get to 130 fasting... probably lower if I could continue... a tough racket).  Ugh.

I have everything set for a sink bath, soaps, shampoo, conditioner, a washcloth... oh, best get a towel and body oil.  Clean clothes ready too.  Then another load of laundry.  Another possible group of calls about representation.  Keeping the phone close, in case I receive a call.  About to feed and water the ducks.  Their water is freezing every night again, too hard for them to break through.  I try to water them twice a day when it's like that.

Ugh.

Calls and more.

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I called yesterday.  Early afternoon is too late.  So, today, again.  This time much earlier, but not too early.  One number was in D.C., the other local... by time.  The first says I make too much, the other... at first suggested they didn't help.  When I suggested that the SSA sent me their number, she decided they had someone who might help but that she was at lunch.  I left a message.  I will call Thursday if I hear nothing between now and then.  I will attempt to call a Disabled Vets rep tomorrow.

Now, the more.  The bathtub is backed up.  All other drains are fine.  So... to figure that out.  As well, the toilet is not filling as quickly as it should.  A new float gadget or can the old one be cleared?  Gritty, hard, water hereabouts.  Ugh... all at once it seems.  I need a bath.  May just do a sink bath.  Depending on what I can do with the drain snake and chems.

Moving so slowly.  Tired.  Confused.  Restarting medicine and eating again, if wrongly.  Ugh.  I'll...  get there.

Between medication and late winter...

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I am dragging bottom, if nearing buoyancy.  Medicine has been parttime, if getting better.  It is almost every dose, every day.  Insulin is back on with the slow, once daily, stuff.  The other stuff is forgotten with small meals.  And it isn't working well, but because of the food I have been eating.

Finally, a skillet of beans, if with burger.  So hungry, hadn't been eating almost at all.  All calories were from fatted drinks.  And little of that for several weeks... a month?  I needed real food.  Beef, beans, cheese, milk, and warmed crusted bread that just drank butter.  Now pasghetti with meat sauce and milk.  All spicy-hot enough few others could eat it.  If I get to town, more bread and a dry Italian cheese or other as topping.

Hungry, in ways only the dead can know.

SSA sent letters.  I couldn't make heads or tails of anything.  Complex?  Bureaucratic.  But that wasn't really the problem.  I just... can't... think.  So I called the neighbor.  He took it home, looked it over, brought it back, had me fill out a portion for remittance, and explained the rest.  Some sort of semi-final legal hearing.  I need to contact a few legal orgs Monday.  All listed, with contacts, except Disabled Vets of America.  But they should be easy enough to at least call.

Still pretty beat up, haggard, definitely crawling along the killing floor.  But pushing, pulling, trying to go through, over, under, or around as possible.  Or, just... doing or not as required.  The sun is arriving earlier and staying longer!  Oh, that is a happy thing, for now.

Blood sugar, of course, is rather high.  I'll burn through hunger shortly, then get back to it.  There is a limit to even chocolate cake dosing.  So be it.

Really bungled yesterday.

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Blood sugar was 165 fasting yesterday morning, which was, as today, actually morning.  Okay.  I had a meal right away, but didn't dose.  With my second meal, I went with a double dose of the stuff.  The neighbor visited, thankfully.  I got a shower in, then went to help him with the blade assembly on the lawn tractor.  I started feeling really wonky.

Really bad weird, as if all hydraulics had been cut, even just standing was becoming... difficult.  Thinking was becoming impossible.  Was a shower enough to wipe me?  Hmm... blood sugar?  A quick test.  Blood sugar had dropped to 51!  I think it was still dropping!

A small bottle of carb pills was eaten.  I couldn't stop.  I went on into town with him.  He had a collection of little lollipops, which he doesn't eat, in his dash vents.  I asked, he allowed, so I Telly Savalas'ed four or five.  As well, we went to a pizza joint.  I NEEDED... things.  Lots of bad stuff.  Needed.  Got.

I... the rest of yesterday was recovery.  I lost taking pill meds, and much else.  But that was far too close.  I will be... a bit more cautious with dosing.  I really could have died.  Blood sugar is 187 fasting this morning.  I am surprised it wasn't higher.  I'll take it.  Sometimes it takes several days to crest, so...

Oh, and besides meats, I bought beans and bread, plus burger.  I have been jonesing for a skillet of that for a while.  All I have been feasting on lately is hunger.  Oh, and Cheddar on top.  Sour cream would be good too.  But... what I have will do.  So very hungry.  Don't get too close to my table.  The air currents from my eating might well make you part of the meal.

Sight.

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Right?  True?  It's what I see, how I understand.  Choose your own mind.

Okay, there is that.

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Vision cleared quickly.  I hadn't noticed.  But, yes.  Almost immediately after using the slow acting insulin.  Not brighter, more acute.  As for the other medicine, no effects yet.  But the stuff kicks like a mule, at least when you need to take five times a usual high dose, or more.  It is set for a month and an half, in case I can't sort it.

I did slow cook the pork shoulder.  I've already had a bite.  Just so-so.  But the notion of a hot fresh meal was tops.  I keep seeing companies offering healthy, back to basic, food lines.  Processed isn't the way.  Fresh, raw meats, whole vegetables not canned or frozen, and work plus time... anything else is on a sliding scale of worse to terrible.

Oh, I get it mind you.  I used canned veggies for my meal.  It's what I had.  I can't shop every time I want to cook, or even several times a week.  Mine is health, yours might be family, job, age.  I'm not judging, just saying.  Oh, and I noted a can of veggies slipped my usual check.  But then who would have thought they would add sugar to garbanzo beans?  Assholes!

I have been using the fast acting with meals.  The slow acting, a few hours after dosing, brought blood sugar down from 225ish to 169.  It's been going up.  Had been in the 150's in the day to 190's fasting.  The last week it went up to the 190's days and was pushing to 239 and climbing fasting.

Oh, someone... something... realized I dreamed.  The nature of the dreaming.  The tears, fury, failure.  Every song I have used to express the darkness was there, on youtube, waiting.  Usually only one or two old songs are there.  This time?  I'll... put them up in a bit.  From the third dream.  It was there before I had written anything, even privately here.  It... makes me wonder.  The Dreamer has awakened, but has stirred... something.

Hmm? Oh, right. No.

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I haven't restarted meds.  Tonight?  Absolutely.  I... once I realized I was still in err, I stopped writing, filled three biweekly medicine dispensers, took a dose, and started the slow acting insulin... with plans to use fast acting with meals.  So, yeah, I'm thinking I'm back.

Dreams.  Three.  One will get it's own post.  The other two?  If I can recall?  Here.

The first was like a youtube vid or spotinfo sort of commercial.  A moderately okay, if a bit frumpy, appearing woman fades into view.  She is set to discuss domestic care.  She begins by telling us she is a stripper, a vulnerable job.  She says, at least where she works, they support the dignity, security, sanity, and safety of the women by keeping the place clean, both on-stage and behind the scenes, in the dressing rooms and back ways.

She suggests she learned to enjoy that so much, she adopted the premise lock stock and barrel.  She goes on to discuss how to arrange cleaning gear, arrange tasks by daily, weekly, monthly, twice a year, and yearly, perhaps suggesting painting rooms as a once every three to five year sprucing.

A charming woman.  Frumpy?  Or dressed to clean?  Anyway, she did motivate me, if I can get to it.  I'd... like to try.  For now the other dream has faded.  I am beginning the writing of the third "dream".

I have a pork shoulder thawed, just.  I will be starting the grill and cooking that thing for hours and hours on low.  Fatted drinks until then.  Holy crap!  Saturday AND the new month?  I have lost... weeks?  the last dated memories were around... the twentieth?  Even if I knew locally, that didn't fit into the big picture.  I... didn't know.  Know I do, until meds clobber me... a necessary step back to move forward.  Shifting down to get up the mountain.

Later.

Oh my God.

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I don't know if you remember, or remember me discussing, my falls for weeks or even months at a time?  I would lose all consciousness and memory, not even aware within. Well, I hit that... with a change.  I was aware... if time is wonky in there, and remember.  I am not out of it yet.  Further, I have fallen off all medicine.  I knew that, but kept trying to get back on them.  Today!?!

I woke a bit ago.  I could see nothing!  Even on the darkest nights, even when sleeping in the closet at night, I could always make out my hands before my face, if very dimly.  It was such a startle.  I had to move, touch, feel, then scramble for light.  I thought, just maybe, I awoke in my dying or dead form.

I...  I wouldn't have minded, mind you.  And yet I was happy to not have it so.  Oddly, nothing has hurt for days.  The pills hurt to take.  They hurt the organs.  Life, and that which sustains it, hurts... for me.  Probably for you too, you are just able to stay busy enough you don't realize... until you get quiet downtime.  Though, who gets that these days.  Between work, play, family, friends, and tech...  I am surprised people aren't keeling over in fleet sized numbers in their forties.  You weren't designed for this.  I was, but I wasn't supposed to last.  A candle that burns twice as bright, and all.

Anyway.  Properly frightened, I... may have a chance at a very few things today.  Insulin started, meds set up and started, if I'll have to invert morning and evening pills.  Ugh.  A start.  Wow, frightened, like a rabbit.  I... haven't seen such darkness in... thirty years... the times I died and saw nothing... nothing else.

Fallen.

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Maybe in a good way?  Off meds since Tuesday.  Even when I knew I couldn't remember, sort of.  I couldn't have refilled my medicine dispenser in any case.  I would have tried if knowledge could translate to action.  How can you know what you can't remember?  I'd tell you, if I knew.  Might have to kill you though?

I'll do pills today.  And insulin.  It actually showed up on the day I was told it might be sent?  Weird.  No complaint.  Just surprised.  This time I marked the date to change them.  Yeah, otherwise I use them beyond their good use date.  So hungry too, have been since that post, even before.  I... need food.

Ah, how can all that be good?  I think it gave me a break.  Between medicines and winter, I was, am, in a bad way.  A few days off medicine seems to be opening up the cognitive.  I think the dispensers will be arranged and medicine and food will get going again.  It took the break, well, and pouring on some heat as well.  Just a bit extra.

I haven't been able to be warm in a week or more.  So cold, all bundled, it burns.  Right through double and even triple layers, of wool, cotton, and or synths, after a hot shower, hot tea or coffee going in often, with the furnace jacked.  That was on meds.  Still freezing, but awake enough to focus on all tricks.  May take another shower soon.  Food!  I need hot food, plenty of it, just not fast food.

It'll work this time.  Probably.

Warming.

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It is above zero, has to be.  Has been for a day or two.  There is still plenty of snow down.  But paths have turned into puddle-ridden ways.  All good.  I will say this has been a solid winter.  Plenty of snow, when it snowed... a bit colder than usual with fewer breaks, if not the coldest or snowiest, probably a more severe mix?  I mean, in severely cold or snowy winters we get more of whichever, but not more of both.  This winter we got more of that mix if not as extreme as either extreme.

Unusual?  Only in that every year is different.  If I saw five winters the same, then I would have some wonder.  Or if every year was worse, to the point of infrastructure breaking, or becoming like Florida, then I'd worry.  Iowa, here, everywhere I have lived, while summers don't change all that much, winters really do differ.  I remember horrible, easy, and middling winters my whole life.  I personally think some of the coldest winters were in the 1970's.  They have revised temperatures is all.  They are so busy trying to make the readings suggest what they want, they can't read real temperatures anymore.  Head up ass syndrome.  Sodomites of an extreme sort.

The cold got to me.  It broke me.  Some of it is just environmental seepage, some of it is a weakness to it.  That is getting worse each year.  Actually that makes me far more empathetic to my elders.  I know, if it hits me this way...  Then again, if they can still work...  If it weren't for what is disability I...  I wouldn't make it.  Do you know what the streets are like?  Probably not.  But for someone who can't control sleep, goes nearly comatose occasionally.  High heat, the cold, fast changes in the weather, exertion of various levels, too much, or too little food, and any combination can cause near catatonia.  Even if I could escape humans, animals would get into me.  Feed on me.  It isn't a safe world out of doors.

The warming is helping.  It would take more, for longer.  But I feel a bit better.  Ducks first thing.  A timer for the cats tending and a shower.  Then back to some work today?  Hopefully.  I almost feel alive and awake.  But I thought that when I got confused about the appointments.  No real clues, probably, but I feel better.  Kidneys and liver are only in mild pain as well.  Not sure if they, or I, am numb though.

Wow, I am fried.

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I received a call today.  Today was the day of the appointment I thought I had missed?  Apparently.  The appointment in the calendar, from last week?  Was the doctor appointment I did make.  I am so fried.  Today's appointment was cancelled.  My last a1c was in the ~6.5 range.  Today was going to be about insulin?  No reason for adjustments.

I simply got confused.  Usually I reset appointments.  That it was still there lead me to believe I had missed it, especially with nothing on the schedule for this week.  Well, good.  It means, even if I am totally lost, I didn't miss anything.  So baked.  I can only imagine what illicit drugs must do to people.

I am completely lost even so.  I have nothing close to a regular or even shifting day.  Today might be like yesterday or tomorrow or be twelve to twenty four hours off either or both.  Not sure why such severe shifts, but that is the way of it.  I have been taking medicine perfectly, somehow.  But I have to set them back up today, or I will mess up.  As well, today is the final up titration.  I will begin checking bp Friday, try to check it twice a day through Monday.  My doc wants results five days after this final dosage start, Monday is best.

I have been doing fairly well with the critters... food, water, and litter.  One slip with water, for the ducks, in the month... but because it got very cold and I slept very long.  I have limits.  Dishes, laundry, and showering are back to going.  Slow, small batches, irregular frequency, but...  I even started on boxes in the living room.  Hopefully the kitchen soon.

Something is very off, if I am hanging on for now.  Will see how, if, when, I can stand back up, regain my footing.  So tired, dazed, and confused.

So messed up.

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I have been trying to work the last half week.  Very little done.  I have figured out sleep and warmth, finished two minor tasks, and started a few others.  I finished my last game a week ago, or more?  I wrote about it, after, but probably longer after than I realized.  Time isn't... working.  A seeming day might be a week gone.  I am absolutely lost.

I knew I had an appointment coming up.  I had it in my calendar, with four or five alerts.  The driveway is clear, we haven't had any bad weather, I have been sleeping well, and if not working well I thought my bean was clear?  Apparently not so much, not so much at all.

I... missed the appointment.  Worse?  I somehow didn't even know I had missed it until I checked last night.  I was sure it would be this week.  Wanted to be ready.  It was the 16th, last Thursday.  I just don't understand how I could have missed that many alarms, starting three days before, then daily until the day, plus one five and three hours beforehand on that day.

Even if my phone was ooc, the app doesn't depend on connection to a tower or Internet.  But I don't recall any alerts.  Have I just been that out of it?  I suspect so.  But I have been taking medicine flawlessly.  Then again, that is the sum total of function, or close enough to call it.

I will move dishes so as to shower... they have been washed.  I will wash them as I remove them and set them to a rinse after a shower.  Then laundry will get going again.  I'll set tea, feed and water critters, and???  No use crying over spilled milk.  I... I am just so confused at just now realizing that milk was spilled, and so long ago.

I keep forgetting.

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I was sitting there, minding my own business, when my body up and closed down shop around me.  Imagine, you are sitting in the food court at a local mall in the middle of the afternoon, and suddenly you realize a few things.  You are all alone, it is dark, most of the lights are off, the furnace has been shut off, and every door is locked.

Now, change the venue from the mall to the body.  I tried to fight it.  I thought I could, as a well conscious mind and will inside a dying (?) body.  As soon as I tried to raise a ruckus, I nearly blacked out.  Even with the socks on and heat up, I was again freezing.  All I could do was crawl off to bed.

Wow.  It's been a while since I've so directly faced that.  When it hits, I usually just call it bedtime.  But usually it doesn't hit with such direct force.  I can't be sure when, three to six hours ago?  Did the world cool off very quickly, and that get me?  Did my heart slow, bp drop?  I would like to check bp more often, and track outdoor temperatures here.  Indoor didn't change, but, in really hot or cold weather, there is more to it.

Still so very hungry.  I did eat out yesterday.  Bad idea.  Blood sugar skyrocketed but is normalizing.  Bad home food is vastly superior to any fast food.  Oh, and if you see the staff is mostly minority?  Drive on.  The cooking oil was bad, and mixed... fries, fish, and onions don't really mix well.  Brand new building.

I may have to fast thaw something.  Or... no, too late to get to else, a shower, and out shopping, in time for a real grocery store.  Walmart doesn't count.  I suspect even their brand names are seconds and the labels less reliable than usual.  The store brand names, for canned fruit, also turned out mislabeled.  The brand name fruit doesn't, or didn't, cause blood sugar spikes.  The store brand does, in spite of it's label saying it has even fewer carbs and no sugar added.  I look for bargains, some just aren't.

I reset dishes, set tea after waking, and will check and probably change laundry as I pour a fatted hot drink.  Still on the verge of being too cold, but working on it.  I may jack the furnace for a bit.  At least I don't have a "smart meter" which would refuse to allow more, or would slowly turn itself down.  Is that mostly electrical, or are they doing it with gas too?

I feel more rested, even than before the fall.  I am truly hoping I can get to some work.  But that was an amazing smash from my medical conditions.  It happens daily, just not usually that severely.  Or, I don't see it so clearly.  My mind and will are usually on the same page as my body.  This was terrifying.  Really.

I can't remember.

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When did I crawl into bed?  I don't even have an estimate.  I know I checked the clock on the way up, and the alarm when I arrived.  Those memories are blank.  I slept well.  I ended up taking all socks off and turning the furnace down from 72° to 66°F.  It wasn't until the thermometer read 67° before going to bed.  But that doesn't mean I went to bed as it dropped.  When the furnace clicks on, it takes the temperature a few degrees higher.  It does take hours to drop temperature, but I simply have no clue how long, or even what I was doing, after the last post.

I did have to fuss with blankets at bedtime and several times through the night, but no major fuss, no terrible cooling, just slight shuffling and jostling to keep ahead of any real trouble.  I didn't have to wake fully, just enough to move my feet together or cover a minor gap.  Actually I prefer to keep an eye and ear about that open.

As to the sounds the other night?  Cats.  Definitely.  My girls.  I caught them making the exact same sounds yesterday.  Never heard that before.  Well, and ice and snow mini- avalanches from the roof.  I am in the 90s percent sure it was all... natural and native.  Thankfully.

Ending posting?  It, like dishes, getting trash out, cleaning the place, and other things will happen... when I  am ready and able.  It is coming.  I am just too tired to make sure I am doing it correctly.  It will be done when I am not so damned tired, so I can do it right.  So very tired.

I set a pot of dishes to soak.  As well, a timer.  In what is left of an hour I will feed and water critters, change litter, trim my whiskers, and set a small load of laundry.  Reset the timer for two hours, then shower, flip dishes and laundry, and shave or sit.  One more timer reset, after which trash will be collected and a final effort on dishes and laundry.  The plan anyway.  It could happen.

Hungry!?!

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Oh yes.  Of body.

Cotton and wool works.

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So long as you don't get your feet wet it works.  Wool is too bulky to put under cotton, so the choice of which first was easy.  Hot now, too hot.  But after days of shivering I am enjoying.  As bedtime approaches I will turn the furnace down and take off the wools.  I will take the cotton socks off at bedtime, when I am crawling in to bed.  Actually, both pairs off, now.

Is it the socks, or am I just doing better?  I can't be sure.  If I am doing better, I am not feeling it in any other way.  Though being able to be warm is significant, actually.  To be honest, sensing I could work, while still being too cold, is utter frustration.  If I can warm, then get to feeling like working, then opportunity increases.

I am finished with newer single player games.  I could go back and pick off trophies.  Not sure I am all that interested.  I also have a pvp combat game.  Not sure I really want to play it.  The learning curve is brutal.  Senior players prefer playing against noobs.  It's one of the toughest games, no auto-aim, aim assist, as if that matters.  I... just don't know.

I had hoped to get to work.  Thinking it was Friday night.  So it's Saturday?  Whatever!  I have been sleeping, but poorly.  And off any schedule.  Yeah.  If days went by my sleep, it would probably be Wednesday.  I am lucky to have made it to the V.A.  Hmm, I wonder if going back to the bottle would help.  Comparatively, I'm not sure it could hurt?  What's it been, three years?  More?

So very cold.

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My legs and feet are logs.  I have tried single layers of socks, and double.  I am back to cotton under wool.  I tried the furnace up to 78°.  There is no difference, functionally between 72°  and 78°, if I begin otherwise overheating at 74°.  I have tried 66° to 70° as well, just... thinking outside the box.  Reverse psychology, or biology or physiology, doesn't work.

Worse?  If I over exert, even if I set blankets right, I can't warm at night.  That hurts while asleep.  As well, when I can wake, I am still tired.  I have no idea how long or often I have been sleeping, only that it is increasing.  Twelve to sixteen down, with two to four hour naps, all wrapped in a day and a half to two day cycle, all becoming as one day.

I have no clear perception of life.  I did make a fantastic pork roast the other day.  That and fatted drinks have been food.  Blood sugar is going up, but I ate out, poorly, the last two times I went out.  I may attempt fasting for a few days.  If I can.  Without focus I find food in front of me, going down, before I realize, remember, the plan.

I am going to get trash going, and do small batches of dishes and laundry, once I can gain function.  Today?  Tomorrow?  Next week sometime?  When I can.

Poor but longer sleep.

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It wasn't just poor sleep.  Noises kept waking me.  Someone or something was making pounding sounds.  A tom attempting courting rituals?  One of the girls flirting?  A neighbor kid being a hooligan?  Or someone legitimately trying to wake me.  I have no idea.  I didn't wake enough to even check the time.  Nor did the sound wake me.

I was waken, suddenly, three more times, if I never knew what woke me afterwards.  That really hurts sleep quality.  It wasn't a slow gentle nearing to wakefulness.  I don't mind those.  These were nearly instant, full, bolt up, awakenings.  How could it be both instant and take a while?  Well, when I heard the sound isn't when I reacted to it.  It is like the sound reverberated through sleep and time before eventually dredging me to wakefulness.  To be honest, I think that is what happened each time.

It was a rough night.  I woke tired and hurting.  My heart is more tired than usual.  My kidneys have been complaining, now they are whining like poorly tuned violins.  I am still tired.  I feel unwell in general.  I can't tell, but I think it is a bit of everything.  With things mostly sorted, and sort of able to have access and mobility, how I feel isn't quite as important.  Either I can shower and go or not.  There are no groups of things, or really groups of groups of things, in the way.

I was going to call the V.A. to check on insulins.  I found they had called me.  To check the address, always do for cold packages.  I called them back as soon as reasonable.  We went through all, only to find... my doctor had cancelled all of my meds.  This I knew.  But then I watched him refill everything, for a year, and send that through.  Their system must be a mess, or some are flagged for harassment.  I am told to check next Wednesday or Thursday.

I also was given a query.  Deep or standard impact sockets?  I'll tell what I advised.  I would prefer deep.  However, I would start with standard.  Deep won't work on the majority of tasks.  If you buy deep, buy both.  Otherwise buy standard.  I should have added not to buy deep unless you have jobs for which you will regularly need them.  The specialty tools will just, eventually, go missing.

All that for just a nap?

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I finished and posted just shy of 16:00, four pm... twelve plus four, for those who are adverse to simple math, or sixteen minus twelve the other way.  *shakes head*  It isn't fancy, or even .mil.  It is a simpler, more specific, means of telling time and time of day for anyone whose schedule, often explosively, changes.  When it can be dark enough to pass for night or day more of the day than not, it helps.

Anyway.  Down at between 16:00 and 18:00, up at 20:30 (18 - 12 = 6 (pm), 12 + 8:30 = 20:30 (hundred hours)).  I was so very tired.  I thought I would be down until morning.  When I woke I felt rested.  I expected it to be morning, or close enough.  I, when I found and observed the alarm clock, wanted to return to sleep.  There was no returning.

I turned the furnace up.  While I can't seem to keep my feet and legs warm, putting socks on and upping the furnace keeps the skin from getting thin, dry, creating sores.  Life is higher maintenance.  Everything has to be consciously tended, and that isn't always possible.  Still, I do what I can when I remember and am able.

If I can do a few things tonight, I will.  A batch of dishes, trash collection, even just some of it, very small batches.  Medicines arrived.  For now staying on them.  Will reset the medicine sets.  I purchased two more recently.  That will keep me in pills for a month and a half.  I won't near running out, if I can keep up.  It gets tricky without enough depth and such deep psychic fog sometimes.  I will call to check on insulin this morning.  If I can stay awake, or get a nap in.

I haven't been to town, on my own, since my last doctor visit?  Or close.  It was good, if rather harsh under the circumstances.  I'd like to get out again, soon.  Need groceries.  Could look for a new coffee pot.  I need powdered onion.  Yeah.  Plus, just to shower, shave, dress properly... all good.  Wearing jeans after wearing pj's for months is a bit rough.  But... so be it.

Impressed.

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I made it.  I had an appointment this morning.  Sleep is off, and with the effort yesterday, I... didn't think so.  I was only able to sleep at nearly two, or was it three.  Very tired but was jacked from all the excitement.  Oh, right, I didn't post about that yet?  I'll get to it... soon.

I tried to be up by five, but seven as a true hail Mary.  I... had my doubts.  But I did make it.  Up, showered, with fresh clothes on, and out by eight.  I was hoping the roads were good.  Good?  They were actually great.  Plus, no tourist, of any sort, drivers.  The only peeps out were there because they had to be.  I was there easily an hour early while that lead is usually lean.

A new doc.  He didn't really care about anything but setting up scripts and readings.  I realize I am just a money dump, through meds, for the hospital.  They have no interest in helping me get on my feet or finding the problem.  Which... I have realized a few things.  It is time.

It is time to shit or get off the pot.  On my next visit I am going to give them a choice.  Either they can look for a physical problem or, if this is as good as it gets, I stop taking medicine.  At this point it is keeping me alive, but just.  I am almost always in pain, can't care for my home or food well, or work, or even play.

Some might say stopping medicine is suicide.  I don't believe that.  As a Catholic, and devoted, suicide is not allowed.  However, ending extenuated lifesaving actions, allowing natural events to follow their course, after legitimate effort and sacrifice, is allowed.  I think thirty years is a fair offering.  If this is as good as they can do, it's not enough.

I had hoped to do a few things on the way home but I am absolutely exhausted, in pain, and shutting down.  I am only writing this as I have to come down before I can crash.  I'll feed the critters next, then sleep as long or short as needed.  Life isn't fair, but absolute cruelty is too much.  I probably won't even die all that quickly.  But I won't have to deal with hateful medical.  I can die in peace.

Some of it.

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I wasn't sure.  Things to do.  Didn't seem possible.  Stuck.  Still, got out there last night.  Got started.  The old battery won't do, definitely not in the winter.  Cold cranking amps.  Though probably not in warm weather.  It drops to 90% overnight, then keeps losing.  But the new battery works.  The choke cord needs to be adjusted though.

As I was getting to it, help arrived.  Got to town as well, with help.  The debit card is set, the phone is set back up, and the driveway is clear.  There was six to eight inches on it, at least, from several snows past.  I wouldn't have been able to drive out, as thought before.  Good thing I got to it.  A stuck car would have been another problem.

Meds are on course.  A shower this morning.  Fresh clothes, they will get heated as I shower.  The cats and ducks need fed on my way to waking.  Best get going.  Later.

Not improving.

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Taking little steps back.  Adding a headache to the list.  A twist in the neck too.  Perhaps the cause?  Medicine is staying on track.  One more small increase and it will be to full dose.  I still feel as if I had died, and was still in some odd purgatory or limbo.  I believe I have seen that, but before flesh.  I can only guess what living there after receiving a body would be like.  But... it would be a perfected body.  However, a perfected body outside the perfection of heaven?

So foggy, confused, tired, achy, and sore.

I baked chicken last night.  I tried a new trick, using baking soda along with my usual spices, as a coating.  Your mileage may vary, but for me no dice.  It made the skin, as it cooled, inedible.  I think I overcooked it a bit.  But that is a common infraction for me.  At least a hot meal was enjoyed, generally.

I have the old battery in the lawn tractor, ready to go.  If it fails, I will put the new one in.  The goal is to dig out today.  More snow recently.  Adding to a small amount that was down.  Still, rather powdery.  I had meant to just shovel through, but couldn't get far.  I don't think that is the cause of the problems, just a result of them.  It was best to shovel open the small first area anyway.

I forgot to turn the furnace down last night.  It does feel good, if a bit too warm at 72°F.  Can't win, sometimes.  Yesterday was the best day in a long time for not freezing.  I actually do wonder if whatever health issues I have don't induce something closer to hibernation, in the high winter and high summer.  All I get is a bit of spring and fall.  It's just how it goes.

Blood sugar was 182 fasting this morning.  It seems keto won't work, always, if undereating while being inactive.

Waking was difficult.

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It wasn't remaining exhaustion.  Actually that is slipping away.  The mind is still foggy... medicine does that.  It isn't exhaustion, two different problems.  To a small degree, it was pain.  I knew my ribs, midsection/organs, and legs would hurt.  And they do.  But the worst part of waking lately is the cold.

I am cold.

The furnace is set at 72°F.  I tried 74°, 76°, even 78°.  All feel about the same.  My legs hurt because of the perceived cold, actually.  I can't warm up.  Blood sugar broke above 200 for the first time since being off insulin.  But it shouldn't have.  I have been doing extreme keto.  I'm not sure what the problems are.

More snow.  I checked the old battery.  Better.  I may use it, see if it will hold.  If not, I may attempt a second salvage charge.  It is near it's life use, and yet, sometimes they last longer.  I hate wasting.  I will be the only one using it from now on.  And I am locking down the cave fully, since trust can't be had.  Bleh.

Best get to the ducks, then try to get the plow going.  It is around 28° out there but seems so much colder.  High humidity?  Dunno.  Hmm, I need to wake first.

Some have it worse?

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I had to think about it.  This guy was at least receiving care.  But that he needed it, right?  I sometimes could really use some help while there is none.  No one says, to my face, they wish I would die.  But they think it.  Family, friends... medical.  I understand.  Going through it?  At least with him, they don't disbelieve his illness, as they do with me.

Worse?  It depends on which part of the story.  His got better.

Well, I understand as few can.  I think, pray, work rarely as able, alone but used to it.  At least there isn't the Barney thing.  And feeding can be easier for me, unless I can't clean, cook, so eat when terribly hungry.  Someone may harm and steal from me when I am unconscious, but I don't know about it.  Though, perhaps, I don't roll well enough, always, either.  I... just don't know.  Probably have had both.

Yes.  It is a dark dangerous mean world for the living dead.  I almost wish they would carry through on their thoughts.  I can't.  I made a deal with God.  I couldn't even just let them.  It's just that, quite often, I couldn't stop them.  Wouldn't even wake if they were using an axe.  Yea.

So cold and difficult.

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I should correct.  The weather isn't cold.  Well, not for me.  It isn't a weather issue.  I have the furnace up to 76° F, and I am freezing... feel cold.  I am warm, at night, with the room temps between 50° and 56°.  But once I wake, I can't just sleep more.  Laying down hurts, if awake.  It might hurt while sleeping too, just not enough to wake me.  And I dress as if for outside.  I can't really dress warmer.

I may try for a nap in a bit.  But I need to get to work, have things to prepare to do, work, and chores.  I have to get going.  A shower and shave would be good.  One battery for the little plow/lawnmower seems good.  I am attempting to revive the other battery.  I may see about starting the plow tonight.  I need to open the driveway.

I noticed a funny.  A cat had pathed by my home.  Most likely, by size of tracks, a tom.  As he got near the window along the length of the drive, he made a cat angel in the snow.  It's an odd thing, but... I am quite sure he was interacting with the ladies.  I wondered why Sam was yeowling.  Her food is good, water is fresh, litter is excellent... but, yes, she likes flirting with her toms.

As well, in the back yard, I had a dog through.  It's the first dog I have seen in a while, dog tracks that is.  And, yes, he went in to look at the ducks.  He pathed through once and was gone.  He came after the cat, which pathed that way but not for the ducks and in the opposite direction.  Sam and the toms leave pheromone Valentines out back.  The toms know where to get some eyecandy, too.

I am pretty sure that means the dog was there this morning.  By Sam's howling, I'd guess the tom was by between three and five.  I just get a sense the dog was through well after the cat.  If it comes back I'll have to discourage it somehow.  Sassy lets me know when people are here, if I notice.  Wish she would let me know of other critters.

Rough.

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My left side hurts, like after sprints from the first week of football or basketball season.  Only as if I got a week off.  It's been that way for nearly a week.  I don't get it.  I am very tired too.  That might just be medicine.  I have been taking heart medicine quite well for some time, but am still a 3.125 mg pill from full dose.  I'll go up the final pill next week.  Ugh.  I don't think I have missed a dose since restarting?  But I am off insulin.  I am out.  I have reordered.  It will be two to four weeks after max meds before I can have a chance at not being perpetually exhausted.  But it is coming.

From exhaustion to being oddly frigid all the time, I suspect the heart medicine combined with the lack of insulin.  The side tearing/burning?  I don't know.  If I can be awake, push through otherwise, I will try to work anyway.  Not sure that is possible.  A goal though.

Beside those problems, there are local issues and money issues.  I am going to have to return the car.  I simply can't afford it.  I bought it thinking SSA was sure to return my income when made aware of their mistake.  Or that the V.A. could, would, help.  Nope.  That income is gone.  Probably politics, but it doesn't matter why.

That will allow me to catch up, but not keep up.  So... other... considerations...  Things I don't want to contemplate are right there in front of me.  Whether I can sort the house out, then hold on long enough to sell it, or whether I'll just have to walk away, I don't know.

Trying to sleep, eat, think... too much.  At some times in life, no matter who you know, with family... you are completely alone in things.  I will be looking at the best way to do things.  A call, then drop the vehicle off?  A letter?  A legal type writ?  It's gotten ugly.  Could get worse quickly, easily.

It looks like at least one of the lawn tractor batteries is dead.  Will check the other shortly.  I may try reconditioning the dead one, but it dropped 30% charge overnight.  Bleh.  Always something else.  At least this wasn't my doing, other than to wrongly trust.

More than a bit angry.

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Again, I found a key in the lawn tractor ignition and the battery dead.  I went to plow the snow out there.  Obviously not possible.  As well, I had three keys.  I am down to one.  Meaning one was removed from my personal keys.  That is that.  It is no longer available for use.  Abuse a trust you get what you get.

I should be in bed.  But without thinking about it, I stretched into the late checking charging.  I had hoped to get the battery filled and back in.  It just got too late.  Beyond a certain hour, rather early around here, loud noises are out, generally.  I needed to get to town.

Oh well.  It's almost three.  Time to hit it.  The battery is charged.  But I haven't put it back in.  Bedtime.  Yea, angry.

Today is the day!

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However...

When I went to set privacy, I had options I didn't realize.  Four folk were given access last time.  That is already set up.  Further, I think I could add access to any others.  It seems straightforward.  If you want access, or on a different email, let me know.  -  I will keep open one more week to get that done.

The addies I have are foamarama, mindfists22, setebos1956, and james, mostly at g mail, save Desert Cat's on a private.  I will allow those and any other who request, save edu, gov, or such.  I will allow .mil but wouldn't advise using that one... unless you are in or of psyops and can talk mice out of cheese, without a trap.  :p

I will not blog about local events, just my hermitage events.  Until closure is asserted.

Music?  Maybe.

One last gig before I go.

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Popping like popcorn, adding simply, like it or not.  A few for the road.

Still frigid.

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I set the furnace to 74°.  Hot fatted coffee and four... actually six to eight hours later, and I am still freezing cold.  I keep almost falling asleep.  I checked several thermometers, all suggest it really is 74° in here.  I will take a hot shower, see if that will help.  I did push the furnace a few more degrees.  Miserably cold.  Another trick, winter setting on the ceiling fan... but how do you know?

It is just me.  If it was cold the girls would be heat vulturing me.

Yeah, a shower.  Then something to eat.  If I can get to it, more... a load of dishes set up?  Hmm, better open a place to sort them.  Then set them up.  I could also get one load of laundry through yet tonight?  Probably.  Ugh.  So cold, when by inside and out readings, it should be copacetic.

Later.  If not, goodbye.

The tub, again.

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The drain is working well.  Or better.  So I wanted to do another scrub in there.  The drill, a large brush fitting, and scrubbing bubbles.  As well, a small pool of hot water.  Then just let the machine fly, after giving the chemicals an half hour to do what they do.  Not perfect but better.

I have looked for ways to clean better.  The truth is that is probably as good as cleaning will do.  Anything else will strip the metal.  The only way to actually improve the tub would require a process, one possible to do at home... diy that is.  It isn't cheap, but is possible... in time.  Once I get caught up, a project in this price range every other month might be the way to go?  Anyway... a vid.

Tending the ducks, it seemed so very cold.  The thermometer read 26° to 28°, which simply didn't make sense.  That, to my mind, is what I consider warm.  I thought, by feel, it would read 10° to -10° F.  No wind, sort of, no gusts.  But it is as if the air is moving as a block... not what I would call wind, more like a current?  A very odd event.  Further, it is freezing in here, as if the heat is being stolen, and it probably is.

I'll turn up the heat.  The hope is to begin small batches of dishes, get another shower, start on boxes, shave, and hit the trash.  Perhaps a load of laundry?  It won't be all that.  Very small attacks on a very large list.  But with the bathroom set up, open, and clean, life can begin again.  If I can warm.  If it is 75° and I can't warm, it is health failing. Nothing I can do.

As I was closing up shop...

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I finally reviewed finances, if rather roughly, last night.  I forgot one bill, at least.  But was rather blocky when counting.  Money is, to say the least, tight.  Further, I am behind on several accounts.  It... will take a month, or three of great care and some luck, to catch everything up.  I will begin soon.

Even when caught up, it will be extremely tight.  I thought about trying for a job, but with my schedule shifting as much as twelve hours a week, especially when tiring myself as prep, travel, and the function of a job would exacerbate that... I might make a paycheck, perhaps two.  I've done this rodeo before.  Even college, with just a few classes four days a week, with showering most days first and travel, homework and test stress...  I couldn't keep up.  Even ritalin couldn't always push me over the line.

I don't think I could handle ritalin now.  It was like trying to use rocket fuel in a propeller plane, for me, back then.  Far from becoming an addiction, it was a horror to take.  I... never could take it daily, every day.  Every three day weekend I went without, every holiday I could go without, I did.  A few times a week when I absolutely couldn't get going, or knew I 'had to' do things, more if I could take them.  If I needed down time, I wouldn't touch the stuff for a week or however long needed.  Brutal.  My physical body is truly mostly dead.  Nothing will undo that.  Nothing can sneak me past it.

So, no other stream of income actually possible, it's... down to... very few options.  To be honest, selling the cave, then renting, wouldn't save all that much.  As little privacy and security as I have now, even that would decrease.  Finding a place, with two cats, is impossible.  So... just leaving them.  And, more, trying to sell the house as things are?  Only economic propagandists believe the economy is good, improving.  Anyone in what had been the middle class knows our spending power is closer to the working poor than anything like even the dregs of the former middle class we had been a party.  Gold isn't going up in value, the dollars which purchase it are drowning in their increased volume.  Even then, gold is being kept from actual market value by central planners, because if it were allowed to tell the real economic story about inflation WWIII would happen so fast people would get whiplash right before they became toast.

Yea.  So... my problems aren't... all that.  Still, double double toil and trouble.  It is what I have to my lot.  The world elite are too busy thieving and backstabbing for what will end as a pretty sparkle of space dust and lure for the hellbound than to deal with... anyone else's problems.  Cold, dark, dangerous, and treacherous.  I had missed one.

Did it, again.

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In spite of the realization that The world I knew is gone.  That the horde, through betrayal by every type of elite we have, has won.  It is just a, hopefully, slower end of all of the West.  I got some of my chores finished.  It is difficult realizing even doctors are foreign more than not.  Not as an equality thing, merely because they will do... especially to Americans, what actual Americans wouldn't.  Eliminations.

It isn't just Democrats at this point.  It isn't even just GOPe, or neocons.  The differences are fiction, at this point.  Just another circus.  Anyway.

No dishes.  But the tub was cleaned as well as possible.  Then the whiskers were trimmed.  Finally a shower was had.  Oh, I set up a nest area for Sam.  I used to have a chair in there.  She, with it, could get up to a fourth level drawer.  I removed the chair for various reasons.

She kept begging for... something.  I just, I couldn't focus!  Finally, today, I remembered, was in there, could sort of think.  So it got done.  I wondered if it was too high, at a third level, so got a small step-piece set up.  She actually seemed insulted.  She really needs it.  Bleh.  Women!  She will eventually go the easy way.

I am absolutely finished.  So tired and a bit sore that sleep might be difficult.  I had to turn the furnace to 74° to warm, which allowed me to get going.  Half way through I had to turn it down.  Still too hot, but it will settle shortly.  Oh, one more day and it will be time to shut it all down.  I think I can, will.

It seems so cold, dark, dangerous.

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I called to order medicine.  Then to schedule.  My former doc told me they would be calling to reschedule... Monday.  He had called to check on me?  Say goodbye?  No one called.  I had all but forgotten.  Calling about medicine reminded me.  I believe everything is arranged.

I received flak about missing appointments.  I cancelled one, but did miss the other.  The first time I called, I was transferred to a line that rang but was never picked up and didn't go to message.  Punishment, I assume.  When I called back it sounded like the same guy.  I suggested he not do that again.  Why would he care anyway?  He should be more concerned that a vet can't make an appointment due to illness than that an appointment was missed.  Bureaucrats!

After, I called my mom.  They are having an exceptional winter.  It's in the 50's!  I've never heard of that, at this date, in Iowa.  Not ever to my memory.  Unless she was joking?  I'll look it up after.  This year seems colder than usual, but maybe it isn't.  Last year seemed far nicer.  Can't trust the weather news, I've noticed they change past reports.  Not all, but some.

Other than that, she seems well.  Especially considering I woke her from a nap.  I told her I was freezing despite having the furnace up and being well dressed, at least for indoors.  The wind, she said.  We don't have much today, but more than usual?  She may be right.  It's 21° or 22°, but feels colder, outdoors and in.

Sore again this morning.

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This time it was earned.  Mostly snow removal.  I never did get to the tub.  Or anything else.  Still, not a bad run yesterday.  My back is rough, and organs are a bit ginger.  That is as it should be when pulling a ship out of extended mothballing.  I still plan to work and make calls today.  The tub, then a shower, and some dishes... in small manageable batches.  Perhaps a slow start on boxes.

It's a beautiful day, but frigid, especially after being above freezing yesterday.  It's a darned good thing I got the snow and slush off.  It was about 12° F this morning.  Oddly, the duck's water was not very thickly frozen.  So much so that they had easily opened it this morning.  It suggests the hard freeze didn't happen until recently.  Another possibility is that someone changed their water this morning, before I got to it?

The strange thing is that both last night and this morning their water was very clean.  I might even dare call it pristine.  A very strange thing for ducks, who drink, bath, and 'go' in the same water.  Perhaps, overnight, they sensed the hard cold so eshewed the water from instinct.  But yesterday was well above freezing even by the later water change.  Very odd.

Sleep was good.  Again.  I had to totally reset blankets after the spinning yesterday night.  Amazing how twisted, cocoon like, they were.  I also dreamed.  I was the daughter, of a middling wealthy merchant, somewhere coastal on the south of what is now Europe.  Odd that even our poor have easier lives than the rich back then. Even kings... the best they could do was move from greater to lessor misery, as possible.  Just having antibiotics is a miracle, for as long as they still work.  If it doesn't help that governments are weaponizing bio enemies on top of all else though.

An interesting dream.  Don't know how factually based it was, but... seemed... right.  Such dreams ensure my satisfaction with being a man.  The neurosis common to being female... or worse... has roots in the simple reals.  If they are properly protected, they are caged.  If they aren't, they become simple permanent victims.  The world isn't fair.  Less so for women, and it only gets less so with age, more so and more quickly, for them.  Yea, I definitely am glad I can stand to pee!

I best get fresh tea going.  I have a timer set to feed the girls.  Perhaps hit their litter after setting tea to go.  Then spend time waking before hitting the tub?  A shower after cleaning.  A whisker trim too, soon.  Getting better, mostly, if that is beating me up.  Something about returning to life really hurts.  I do wonder if Lazarus, when called from the tomb, suffered as well... at least in the waking portion.  Ugh, but quickening is brutal.

I did it!

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It busted me up a bit.  I used a shovel, the snowblower, and the plow, then salted a few areas.  I had to shovel to get the snowblower out, which allowed me to move the suv, which allowed me to get the plow out.  It could have been done differently but not as well or efficiently.

The snowblower really does handle slush, very well.  If it ices that is another thing... only heavy salting, perhaps a big people plow, and time will work ice sheets.  I had to get to it or have an iced driveway.  Shoveling is the most difficult.  The snowblower really takes it out of you.  Though with long passes it would be much better.  I was clearing a ten by fifteen yard area... a pain to have to turn almost as soon as I got going, or reverse.  The plow was the easiest, but still takes it out of a guy.

When finished I was done.  I still have to feed and water the ducks and cats again, hit the litter again, eat something, and maybe hit, as in clean, the tub.  I have hit it with scrubbing bubbles several times since last night, but forgot to do more... or ran out of energy.  I also tried heavy duty drain cleaner several days ago, but it doesn't seem to have done any better than anything else.  Nothing works well, or quickly.

I will be wiped by the end of the day.  Oh, I did two other things yesterday.  I cleaned the toilet well.  It was pretty good, just... a bit too bachelor.  I have found a trick to both stand to pee and not be too messy.  I don't do it every time, and nothing is perfect.  A pee pail/bottle, like at hospitals.  It stretches the time between cleaning.

As well, I got to my finger and toe nails.  They were hurting, the toe nails... they grow in wrong.  I've noticed for weeks, a month, probably longer.  I just couldn't figure what to do.  Seriously, it's been that bad.  Finally awake and aware, and with the time and energy yesterday!  My feet are so very happy.

A good two day run.  Oh!  Bills, pills, and maybe registration?  Tomorrow?  If I'm not in a coma.  Seriously.  Pushing too hard.

Good, bad, ugly.

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Sleep was fantastic.  I did have to wake and reset blankets.  Different problem this time.  Rather than removed and set in piles, it was as if a fish trying to twirl out of nets.  I didn't remember twisting and turning but... that happens.  It was hell to get out and reset, I could barely wake to do so.  Oofta.  Still, it was an excellent sleep.  I hadn't actually gotten cold yet.  So no suffering other than having to wake a bit.  Sometimes that isn't a problem, sometimes it really is.

I did wake really late, three to four hours later than usual.  I often slip an hour or two, when I  start slipping.  Or twelve or more.  This was an odd amount.  Whatever.  I woke with my organs feeling like redheaded step children... blue on black.  It has mostly faded, mostly.

I am doing enough better so as to feed, water, and else, for all, not just more regularly but better.  Cat litter is back to twice daily.  As well, I tore into the water fountain for the girls.  I had realized how bad that was recently, so started offering them a large bowl, changing it daily.  I finally cleared, cleaned, and reset their fountain today.  They really love that with the carbon filter and large supply, when it is kept up.

The ducks got hungry enough to break down and eat the new stuff.  They tore through three days of feed quickly.  I am holding of giving them more until later today.  Two much simply isn't wise.  I am hoping to try the snow blower today.  Slushy snow.  Above freezing.  Scary to leave out.  It would ice over terribly.  Not sure how I would chip that off, out.

Getting slightly better.

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I think the delay is due to being dazed and confused.  Though... who knows.  My mind might be changing?  It... can do that when coming out of such devastating psychic darkness.  Still, it is probably still planned, when I can think to do it.  Such a brutal existence lately.

Yesterday was a record day.  I reset medicine in time to take them without pushing.  That itself was something.  But, seeing... troubles... I texted for help.  I ran out of duck feed.  I had to beg, but...  Wouldn't for myself, but for the critters I will.  He also wanted to work on the lawn tractor, and see about the snow blower... put "paddles" on the impellers.

I mixed up when he would arrive.  I finally was able to realize that if I couldn't do the dishes, or right away, I could at least drain them so as to shower.  It is so difficult when even the mind is in fog and shadow.  Anyway, that didn't work either.  The drain decided, at that moment, to stop working!  Or go so slow as to be all the same.

Still, a sitz bath.  Right as I was into it, he arrived.  Had to talk-shout through the door, but it all worked.  I never ended up being much help, but made it out to help on the last of one and then the other task.  And got the bag of feed offloaded and in the feed bin, plus fed the quackles.

I was absolutely shot by the time we were done.  Getting dizzy just from standing that long and in the cold.  I am keeping medicines the same one more week, then putting an extra 3.125 mg in at night.  The next refill will include one of those added both medicine times.  It is what it takes, if it is nearly six times what my uncle used.  Yeah, it is harsh.  Anyway...

I did get that.  Oh, and cat litter.  By the way, where the compressed newspaper pellets absolutely failed, the wood pellets work perfectly.  The girls are learning to poop in the standard stuff but pee in the wood pellets.  I may keep using the crystal stuff, for one of the three pans.  It is both more affordable as a group and it isn't such a large purchase requirement per month.  And the girls seem happy.

Short but exceptional.

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Sleep that is.  You can't enjoy sleep until you get poor sleep with no rest from it, and for a while.  With as dysfunctional as I have been for so long, I am surprised I am able to find good rest.  Part of why is that I no longer judge or attempt to drive myself so harshly.  What did Cohen say in a later interview?  Something about no longer having an internal voice screaming at him that he is fucking up?  Right, right.  I gave that voice to the only one who has a right to it, and He doesn't need it or use it.

I must admit, I thought I would be dead by now, this time.  I have sat for months.  All attempts to get to work end up nought.  Or worse, as with dishes, blocking up my access to the shower.  I would die to have a shower, but there is a heretofore insurmountable mountain of effort in the way.

I look at it, I reset it, I...  today?  Always a hope.  I look around me.  I want it fixed.  With help, but not alone.  Stuck in my head, able to see but not do.  I went without games, hoping that would force the issue.  I just slept more.  So I found games.  Though for a while, I couldn't play games either... months?  They produce more drive, but not of body.  At least there is entertainment and vestiges of action, activity, function, when I can play.  It offers... something.

Perhaps as medicine normalizes, I can dig back in?  Will see soon.

Been without insulin for a while.  Blood sugar is 154 fasting?  Okay.  I will check it after a fatted tea.  Curious now.  That is nearly as good as it gets with long-acting insulin provided.  Fast acting alone too, sometimes.  Quite strange.  With that idea, I set a fresh pot of tea to brew.  Such a very strange world.  But in God's hands, even as a failure, it isn't a bad one.  Some people in it, but that isn't my problem even when it is.  Mostly.

You do terrify.

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Some of you don't know, but there is at least one among you who knows what I post as I write it.  I suspect several.  How?  Tech isn't my field, sight is.  Pattern recognition, the human, other two-legs, as well as a few other things are my areas.  Although I am pretty sure the watchers don't realize I know, or forgot I do have real sight.

Proof?  Someone just visited this post, a day before publishing this post.

But that isn't what terrifies.  A real or imagined beautiful body, mind, or soul will often find covetous eyes upon it.  Creepy as that is, it is no surprise.  It is your responses.  Some of you get far too much, or understand in ways which can undo me.  Even those with only kindness in your intent.  Those who hate, I... merely commiserate.  I... understand.  Save those who can and do harm.  You are wrong, and know it.  Even just in your hate, but to act on hate is... google.  For they no longer pretend to try not to be.

It is because of the harm those who hate are inflicting that I am going.  Mostly bureaucrats from what I can tell, at the federal level.  Still, they aren't the truly frightening.  I can see it in the pops... the music, humor, sadness, perhaps joy?  I... I think so.

The final public post approaches.

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Mostly the betrayal of a foggy mind or it would be done, or out there anyway.  I intended to write the notice, give it time, put out the first post, give it a few days, then put out the last post and give it several days.  Several things, actually, are proving problematic.  The timing is only slightly elongated due to confusion.  But my need to post, and some trepidation about whether to post, after creating the "last two" music posts at all... I just wasn't sure.  Pops, so many.  They were from y'all.  Still...

Once I pulled the trigger, the mind has become foggier as time has slipped my grasp.  The "last of the two music posts" should be popping soon.  Today or tomorrow.  Blogger has me on a foreign timestamp and server.  It is banished, with no way to get a correct timestamp.  Which probably means most people couldn't find it.  Anyway, that means no matter my input, I never know when something I post and queue will actually post.

A few days after, I will figure out how to cut the feed... to most of you.  The "last post" will explain that.

Another good sleep, if a bit shy.  Warm.  And I didn't keep waking to see if I was too cold.  Sam insisted I wake.  She never wakes me unfairly, so... rather than be a putz, I woke.  I probably fed them only once two days in a row?  I don't think so...  Hmm, litter?  Ah, that might be it.  I'll figure it soon.  I turned the furnace up and set an alarm.

Now for meds.  Perhaps eggs?  If they are good.  Oh, but dishes and the stove need hit first!  Ugh.  Later.

Perfect sleep.

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As close to perfection as I have had in some time.  So exceptional I slept longer than needed, something I don't like to do.  I often sleep many hours, or too few.  But when I wake, usually I not only want to get up, I have to rouse.  This was an exception, a rare one.

I reset blankets and the bedspread, settled in, then drifted swiftly to sleep.  Occasionally I would send feelers out, while maintaining sleep, to make sure my body wasn't too cold, or too hot.  It was always within tolerances.  With an inner smile, I would drift back to the unconscious nether.

I woke, officially, at 3:30 or so.  But wanted more, perhaps needed after having to fight for sleep the last few nights.  At least now, if needed or wanted, I can take a bit more time.  While the modern world demands a daily schedule, I don't... think that is natural.  When you drive men like animals, you do end up with bad behavior.  Well, and it leaves some behind.  Most.

Truth is, in almost any other time, if I hadn't been worked to death, I would have been left to die, one way or another.  Then, again, I actually should have failed, living on my own.  I often fall off medicine.  I rarely eat well.  It... even the cold could get me.  So many ways to die, and, yet, I remain.  Just enough food, medicine, heating or cooling, etc.  But just enough.  I wonder if getting as much as I seem to want would be lethal?  As if, to a degree, it matters.

Ducks and cats need fed.  Hopefully dishes and a shower soon.  Ugh.

Almost another cold night.

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This time I didn't let sleep or weariness keep me down.  Twice I woke to being down to one blanket.  Each time so very cold.  I shook myself awake and aware enough to set the blankets right.  The second time I checked more carefully, perhaps even using a flashlight to see... can't remember.  They definitely weren't just folded or kicked off.  Three were removed into separate piles.

I set the bed up correctly at bedtime.  I thought it right, from the start, but something was off so I redid my bed.  So... each blanket removed, set out in a true layering, then some tucked so as to make a partial sleeping bag.  That was somehow dismantled, twice, last night.  After the second time it remained whole.  I had to fight for it, but got a mostly toasty sleep for it.  My body feels a bit more rested, less sore... achy.

A struggle, but a good omen for the new year?  I didn't quite make it to midnight.  I definitely tried.  I was about fifteen minutes away.  I just couldn't even sit correctly, and my eyes were on fire.  My body and it's parts were in full revolt.  Absolutely no choice.  Oh, it was fun to try.

I felt awful most of yesterday.  I was wondering if blood pressure was horrible.  Nope, it was 135/95 with a pulse of 78.  Blood sugar?  At 158 without insulin, not bad.  So... no.  It must just be medicine.  Organs don't feel good, flu type symptoms... light.  But it isn't the flu.  Hmm, even the heart was uncomfortable, as if pumping was a struggle.  It was... tired?  Sore from that too.  Better this morning, so far.  And no problems beyond blanket stealing entities and occasional cold through the night.

Well... hopefully work today.  Dishes and laundry.  Uhrm, after waking and tea or coffee.  Much better to sleep warm, even a bit too warm, than otherwise.