Dead to the world.

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It could be worse.  I was able to eat lightly yesterday.  I did a load of laundry.  And the futon type mattress which arrived yesterday was installed.  It is, by the way, vastly superior to what I had been using, blankets and a quilt folded into a topsheet.  As well, the cats and ducks were tended.

It has been warm enough to refill the kiddie pool without it freezing.  Into the 50's.  Between yesterday and today I was able to get that arranged for some well pleased ducks.  So well pleased they really didn't want to go back in, even after an extended stay outside.  I am hoping they get a few more pool days yet.

Other than those things I could either not remember or not physically act.  Dead to the world one way or another.  But!  No pain lately.  Or... nothing remembered.  Fog of mind and lack of short term memory are sometimes far superior to any medicinal pain killer.  Although, it feeds the harrowing nature of the best within.  The mind may be freed of physical horrors, but the body suffers and keeps score.  It becomes... meaner, even feral.

Blood sugar is 130 fasting.  I am cutting consumption and fast acting insulin.  At this level, with just a fatted tea, I will try 8 cc's.  Depending on what my read is, in three to four hours, I'll decide then.  I have seriously been cutting food.  I'll bet I am under 2k calories.  At my size, that is pinched.  But doable on real keto.  The trick is staying on keto and in ketosis.

I'll try to hit the list today.  I forgot to warm the place yesterday.  At best that didn't help.  I'll heat it higher, to push for a shower.  Then get the bathroom clean, start dishes, and the run whites.  Hmm, I might wash the blankets and bedspread first, actually.  I'm not sure what to eat.  I'd also like to get a few lamps upstairs.  A floor and end table lamp... which will require and end table.  I need a woman!  They love tinkering in a home, and will even sometimes do what is asked!  ;p  I'll think on that.  All of that.  Later.

Awake.

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Actually I have been awake for a bit now.  Sorting through life thoughts, the Internet, and pet care.  It was warm enough that I set up the pool for the ducks.  They aren't keen on being out.  Still...  Then fed and put happily away.  I didn't check the temp, but I would bet mid 50's, low 60's.  It was nice.  I wish I could have been out in it.

Caps arrived.  I have enough to compare various brands and types.  All is in for hummus save the larger batch of beans and fresh lemons.  I need to clear space to work in the kitchen.  So...  And, actually, I am behind on the other work.  But, tonight!?! I am hoping.

A shower shortly.  Then cleaning the (clear and well swept) bathroom.  Wool and new hats washed together, then whites as a last load.  The bigger items into a big shower bin, then set to soak, and a final hit on the dishes in the sink... to then be rinsed and dried.  Perhaps, in there, I can open up several places to work.  The kitchen is the next area to hit anyway.

Not sure all is possible today, but that is my list.  If I didn't have severe physical limitations, that is what sorts of lists I would do daily, until the place was caught up, then while maintaining, I would go back to school.  Though, honestly, it looks like all S.T.E.M.s work is deported or workers imported.  It is low quality, but no one cares.  I'm not sure what is worth getting a degree in now?

Anyway, there is the plan for today, and possibly tomorrow, or even the week.  Start with what is necessary, then do what is possible, and suddenly you are doing the impossible.  St. Francis of Assisi, I think, said that... or at least is reasonably quoted as having said it.  Dang saints!  Still, I will try.

Hmm?  Oh, fasting blood sugar was 144 fasting.  So a fatted coffee and milder dose.  My weekly average is 135.  Improving.  Thankfully, Halloween is over.  I am still waking, will see what can be done... soon?  Hungry though, now.  Later.

Someone is... seeking?

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Music from long ago.  And new but pointed songs.  Hiding the trail here but not there.  Oh, I suspect who.  As with others, shadowed.  But I see.

Not much.

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Have you ever been driving, with the intention of shopping, visiting friends, and doing a bit of sightseeing, getting out on some highway far from anywhere, then realizing you are just about out of gas?  The only possible thing to do is to return home immediately, as fuel is too far away in any other direction?

Your day is over before it could really start.  You might not even actually make it to fuel, but you should get, at worst, to within a short walk.  Even then, a neighbor might offer a ride if that happens.  Yeah, well, that is what is happening to me bodily.  I ate, had several fatted teas, will have another shortly.  Blood sugar dropped to 85 after a meal and fatted tea, with a light insulin dose earlier, from at 132.

I did reset dishes in the sink, tend feline and fowl, ate, called my mother...  Nothing else.  I am hoping for a shower, and to set up the other dishes, gather the clean clothes and fold them or put them under foot for tomorrow.  That will be it.  Looks like I will be crashing early, if I can get going, or even get up, soon.  Two hours later, after another hefty fatted tea, it is still 85.  I didn't dose last time.  Running low on fuel.  Might see what else is available to eat.

Later, or good night.

Foods.

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Being a new month, and nearly caught up on bills, I decided to buy a few food items, in some quantity.  One group of items is for homemade hummus.  After I found a bean I could still have, if only in a particular form, I have been jonesing for the stuff.  I love it anyway.  That it, as a recipe, somehow is keto friendly?  A Godsend.

Garbanzo beans, very fresh, are cheap in bulk.  Even tahini isn't expensive.  Finding unadulterated extra virgin olive oil is a bit of a trick.  You are flying almost on blind faith with that.  The only thing I have to have fresh is lemons (or limes)?  Every bottled juice of those I have tried, regular, organic, from acidic volcanic islands... all spike my blood sugar, significantly even from a capful.  No, has to be fresh, then no problem.

The thing is, I simply haven't had almost any extra money so hadn't checked prices.  I could have afforded it.  But, when so squeezed, even looking at prices is fear inducing. Finally, I have come, seen, purchased.  Further, it will be in by Wednesday, barring events, weather, or...  it happens.  I'll pick up a few fresh lemons soon.

A better second start.

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Washing the face and eyes seemed like a bad plan at first.  The sting in the eyes became almost unbearable, open or closed.  Cooling off, as well, was a slow process.  The aspirin was the fastest help.  It wasn't until nearly eleven that I went down.  Blood sugar was 125 at that point... an odd thing.  That it went up without food, while awake...

When I did go down sleep came fast.  I didn't sleep all that long, just to fifteen hundred?  Or up to an half hour less.  Eyes are still just a bit pinched.  Not sure why.  There were a few very minor pains while crawling out, but they have melted.  I am still a bit tired, but what I would expect from a broken sleep.  Yes, better.  Well within capacitance to not only remain awake, but perhaps get to a few things.

A shower, shortly.  So as to set up bigger items to soak in a bin in the tub.  Then to set up those jars, cookie sheets, and such.  Giving the smaller items in the kitchen sink a first wash and reset next.  Then back to laundry.  Just a small load of whites.  Though, if I have enough wool and synthetics to combine, I may run those first.  Both loads will be small by item number, but the whites include turkish cotton bath sheets, which are massive.  A petite fiveish foot women could disappear in one.  I'd... love to see that.  And more.  ;p

Blood sugar is 135 fasting.  I am about to have a fatted tea or coffee.  This time, I will be dosing at just 8 cc's.  If it is below forty, and I am eating right and light, I will try to cut the fast acting.  Later I will have a few burgers.  I have low carb mayo and zero carb relish with it.  No bun, of course, no ketchup, sometimes mustard... avoiding dijon... always sweetened, honey is sugar is maple syrup is most fruit syrups is sugar.  Fruit, generally, is sugar.

Awake, if only to sort things out.

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I went to bed at four.  Though I can't remember which clock or device was used to check the time.  With the hour change last night, it could have been... whatever... the other other time.  It seemed warm, and was for upstairs.  Perhaps it is due to no wind? When I took the trash to the curb, it was 22° outside.  It may be that if there is moisture, and it freezes, it seals the roof?  It is 55° up there regularly now.  It had been 50° to 52° most of this "fall".

Beside the warmth, something else was going on.  Organ pains, nerve pains(?) as if shot through the leg, than an arm, a sense of excessive body warmth which persists, the neck pain is back, and my eyes continue to burn.  Sleep was difficult, intermittent.  I decided to get up to just wrap my head around the problems, perhaps see about solving some problems or symptoms.

Blood sugar was checked.  After a small dose with my last fatted coffee, it was 105 before bed.  So I took my regular night dose of the slow acting insulin.  I'm not sure what it should be, as I rarely wake and haven't randomly checked blood sugar at night (without an obvious problem, and that was just once).  It is 103.  Seems good.

The organ pains are lighter, but persist.  The eyes still burn.  Body heat remains seemingly elevated but without being a fever, or feverish.  It's more like body heat from exertion, only minus anything.  I just want to sleep.  Aspirin, washing my face and eyes, a bit of time to cool and for those things to work...  Later, or good night.

A few more starts and a... story.

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Not as fast or as much as hoped.  Mostly little things.  I cooked burgers for several days... it is all I have until I can shop.  I swept the floor, again again, better.  I did several loads of laundry... I can't remember if one is still in the washing machine?  I will finish that tonight.  A load of whites tomorrow.  A shower was taken.  The cats and ducks as well.

I am so tired from so little.  Trash has to be finished, but it is pretty close.  Eyes are burning from exhaustion.  Odd.  Odder still, blood sugar started out at 223.  I dosed 30 cc's, 10 more than I normally would at say ~180.  I did that with two fatted teas.  Then I had two small and two larger beef patties.  Three hours after my last meal, blood sugar is 101!  That doesn't make sense.

I am going to shower again tomorrow, or I would start dishes.  Hmm, actually, the kitchen sinks are open enough.  I could get a dishpan or two going, of the smaller items.  A lot of the bigger stuff is too big to all soak in those.  Yes, that would be good. Then to bed.

Ah, the story, if you must.
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Almost a normal wake.

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I have completely lost my morning, but that was already happening.  Blood sugar is high, at 223, but I expected that.  I was hoping it wasn't higher.  On the good side, with high blood sugar I am comfortable in shorts, a t-shirt, and my house flip-flops.  I was actually too warm to continue sleeping.  It was 55° up there, which is three degrees warmer than usual...  then again, as I sleep into the day, it will be warmer.  The sun.

Tea is brewing.  I'll have to sweep the bathroom again... bumped one of the planters over.  Meh, that one needed replanted and more planter dirt added anyway.  The litter has been cleared, and a timer set to feed the girls.  Two hours after waking, if my schedule is more or less regularly irregular, that is the rule.  It usually keeps them from harassing me or trying to wake me.  Usually.  Yes, they have learned to know about when, and what noises, will wake me, even when I shut the door to keep them out.  Just as smart as any kid, on some things.

A shower, after sweeping.  Oh, and giving laundry a short warm whirl.  Then, perhaps, folding while I wake?  A next load of laundry in, after the shower and dishes set?  Then three hours for waking.  I am feeling better, if a bit shot.  Still,  every few hours, I might be able to claw my way to chores.  A nap later, if needed.  I'll keep trying.

Not a bad recovery from a near disaster.  I way overreacted, with carb tabs, but I was crawling out of both death and sleep.  I didn't have full faculties, and wires got crossed.  And, anyway, I would far rather have it even way too high than even to just 70.  I did the best I could.

If you ever approach death, and understand... or understood... what is happening, you know how powerful the will to escape it is.  Only when terribly damaged, with no forthcoming escape from pain in the foreseeable future, have I attempted to go towards death.  If, as mentioned, I am not good at death.  Fun times!  Later.

Some, but done for the night.

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The toilet is clean.  The second load, when... if... it is dry will herald bedtime.  A shower taken.  A few other little things, tiny projects, such as watering the plants then hanging them.  Leaving them in the tub, in the winter, can and almost has killed them.  It doesn't sound like much, but was more than it sounds.

I am hoping to wash the bathroom, take another shower, start dishes, and get the trash out, tomorrow.  Trash is vital.  The rest is a hope.  Tired.  Should rest well.  A few pickled eggs and a fatted coffee to ease the crash.  Blood sugar was quite nice just now.  I'll remember the other insulin when I check laundry, as I go to bed.  Good night.
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Oops.  It has been a while, but I went a bit over on insulin.  I woke a few hour after going to bed in pretty serious distress.  Thankfully I keep glucose tabs up beside the bed.  They are already open, as when crashing dexterity, even strength, can be gone.  Absolutely glad I had them up and arranged.  There is no way I would have made it downstairs.  I couldn't get out of the closet area, or get up.  Wicked close call.

I ate some number, then made it down to have a glass of milk and shake off the last effects.  Back to bed.  I am probably lucky I am so sensitive to drops?  To wake from a dead sleep?  Good night.

A few starts.

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I was getting nowhere fast.  Lack of food?  Too cool, cold?  I turned the furnace up then started rummaging for something to eat.  Nubs on real food, but there was popcorn.  Not the bag stuff.  Real popping popcorn and real butter.  Not perfectly keto, but it is what was available.  Oh, I created a powder mix of salt, onion, and garlic... keeps the salt use lower.

One batch usually doesn't budge blood sugar, however two does and did.  It didn't raise it, more that insulin didn't lower it as much as expected.  I have hamburger out, thawing.  But that will take until tomorrow.  I do use the microwave for some things... thawing meat is not among them.  More than softening fats or warming leftover meats isn't acceptable.  I should get rid of the dangerous thing.  I am too old and it too convenient.  Or, for now.

Between batches, I got laundry rounded up and going.  The first smaller load is drying. I had it on low, am trying it on that again.  It may truly need a higher setting.  If it is terribly cold, or the wind is from an odd direction, it just takes more heat.  The second load is ready to dry.  That will be that for laundry.  I neither have a full other load nor an interest in seeking more for said.

After the second popcorn round, the cave had warmed.  So I started in the bathroom.  It has been mostly cleared and swept.  I want a shower next?  Or last?  Then to mop the floor.  A headache is coming on.  I collected most trash, and cleared the cat litter.  If I do more than shower, clean the toilet, and shower, it may be to just collect the last bits and get that out, then set up dishes.

If...  Not sure I will get the first part.  Later or good night.

Saturday?

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Good.  Sleep is so off, and my attempts to correct it so intense, that which day it was got lost in the shuffle.  I haven't been able to keep up on almost anything.  Pain hasn't been helping.  I have cut aspirin.  It still hurts, a lot, but within... bearing levels most of the time.  I was beginning to worry about how much aspirin was going in.  At 2k mg's, three times a day, for... what day was it?  Two days off.  I ended up not taking it the last time I wrote about it.

The ducks, cats including cat litter, insulin, and light eating, have been managed.  All else has failed.  I will set up medicine today, collect garbage and get it out, get a shower, and pay a few bills?  Today, if possible.  Then set dishes up.  That is the plan.  I need to turn the furnace up, warm up, and wake better first.

I am hoping I am seeing a way through.  No promises.  It isn't really even a sense of things, just a blind plot.  I hope to get dishes, laundry, the bathroom, and storage set up in the next few days.  As well, a few light sources upstairs.  Well, and maybe, some organization.  Possible.  Unlikely.  Will see.  Later.

Oh, right, dreams.

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Very odd dreams.  Pleasing, mostly, if not easily.
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In the first one I died.  I don't remember how, and at that point it really didn't matter.  Death, from an earthly perspective, is anything from a joy to some foolish enemies... at least my enemies, to a sadness for those rare family and friends who know I still exist and have some small feelings for me.  Well, and depending how easy or hard the death, perhaps a cause for fear for those with little or no faith.

But I was comfortable with all.  There were some number of us new arrivals.  It was, if not literally, something like the locker room to heaven.  We were gearing up to take the field.  Instead of changing clothes and putting on gear, we were being stripped of what sinfulness remained.  I... know... but even so I was surprised how much remained!  Sinful, terribly, even now?  I... believe the dream, if sadly.

The sins were being removed, leaving as shadows.  A darkness from within which would darken me, as an inverse spotlight as it left, getting larger and lightening to a degree, then moving off me as it's center, then escaping away.  Sin after sin until nothing but light remained.  Then I became as a spotlight, but from inside to outside.  I became the source of light.

Neither the best nor worst.

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It was difficult to get to bed.  No good reason for the difficulty.  It just was.  Some pain began getting through aspirin, or aspirin had finished it's cycle.  That motivated the impetus to sleep.  Sometimes I can dodge pain if I can sleep before severity rises.  Although, with certain headaches, unless I treat before sleep, they will be there waiting when I wake.  That wasn't the problem, and I try to limit aspirin, so I finally got to bed.

Sleep was hit and miss.  The feet and legs, either burning or freezing, no middle ground.  Every few hours I was having to kick them out or wrap them.  I suspect Halloween candy is still costing my body.  Bah!  As well, kidneys were hurting.  And something along the length of the neck.  Glands, some sort of infected drainage, or a pulled muscle from using the neck to rise when the muscles are cold, or depending on them too much by themselves.  All those feel about the same, and I have had each... I suspect.

All in all, I did get some okay sleep, I just had to work it... and sleep a bit long.  I let the alarms go through their stages.  A torturous thing to not be able to wake.  I really pushed, inside my flesh.  Buried in a beast that can't rouse is not fun.  At least I can get it to move.  I remember waking inside when I couldn't get the eyes to open, a finger to move, buried alive doesn't quite cover that.

I am up.  Dressed too.  I created a dressing station upstairs.  It's pretty cool, which offers incentive to move quickly.  Well, as quickly as an old cave bear can.  Probably no better or worse than any other, ONCE I can crawl out.  This "morning" is a little tight.  Innards feel like I've just gone through midsection sparring or a minor match, neck is still problematic, muscles are tired, but it is all on the more minor scales.  It's the volume of complaints which have me a bit pinned.  Aspirin?  I've had so much lately.  Meh... probably.

Ducks then the girls.  Later.

A good Halloween.

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I enjoy the twerps.  The outfits are fun.  Some don't bother.  Teens you know.  Too cool for even don a mask, not too cool to beg for candy.  Been there, done that.  A good neighborhood though.  And to see a few older young women taking children around is good.  In some places giving is a treat, like here.  Full size candy bars go over well.

I was so afraid I was going to be short, I bought more.  It took days to be well enough to get out.  Got cat litter too, which I wish to use tonight.  Way too much candy, but I know a few older lads who no longer trick or treat.  Of course I will expect them to share.

I truly enjoy when it works.  When I am ready, set up, able.  I wish I could offer them something better.  But that is not how it works.  And it is once a year.  I wonder how many realize the social good, from this, in good neighborhoods.  They get to see older different folk aren't too horrible, and we get to buy them off too serious of troubles.  :p  I enjoy seeing what they might dress as.  Super hero, clown, magician, princess... can't always tell.

My size throws them.  Some find it difficult to approach, but two massive bowls of full size candy bars has their fear melt right away.  I also let the parent or adult have a bar.  Lord knows, they deserve it.  Must be quite a chore attempting to herd excited children.  Oh, it is a treat.  If possible I will always have more than needed.  Perhaps handing two out from the start.  Later, or good night.

Up and going.

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Bedtime was very late.  I kept awake hoping to set medicine up.  Never happened.  Couldn't... remember... focus...  I stayed awake until three, trying to figure a way to function.  As I fell deeper into pain, I gave up and ran away.  Sleep was a bit difficult.  I couldn't warm well.  Too tired.  Are you beginning to see the problems?  Circular, but with no way out, not always.

Blood sugar was really high.  So I dosed, and again, then more.  Which is also part of why I was awake so late.  At least that part was tended.  Blood sugar was 176 fasting.  Not superior, but better than the odd way it was running recently.  I am really wondering if they are adding sugar to meat somehow now?  Then again, if I fall afoul of right eating, blood sugar can really go off the rails, in odd ways, for days.

A bite, fatted coffee, and a dose.  I'll check in an hour.  I need to check on the ducks, the girls are fed and watered.  Baby, it is cold out there though.  A shower too, first.  Ugh.  Yes, snow remains.  And it is Halloween!  I have Halloween gold, which was my falling, foodwise.  Gnom!  It had been so long.  Candy bars might be among the lowest grade of sweets, but... it works.

Feeling better.  Even ocassional spasms have mostly gone.  A bit worn.  And I know pain could return.  The sweats have passed but some heat from resisting pain remains... a soft, actually comforting, glow.  Resisting, enduring, a bit of both?  Better.  I did gobble aspirin for the last... while.  I'll have a dose, just to ensure I can do a few things.  Later.

When it all goes wrong?

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When flesh, mind, or spirit become tortured, I see.  Not the little ways.  It is when death approaches, or I approach it, in one form or way or yet another means.  I used to think it was drink which allowed sight.  I realize now that I merely drank to medicate the pain.  Since sight came anyway, I am assuming alcohol didn't actually manage the pain.  I am just realizing things, putting them together.

The things I see...  It could be hallucinogenic suffering.  I have seen people's deaths.  Not all were listed or explained.  I have seen other things that have come to pass, recently noting Israel's bombings in Iraq, before they admitted.  While the Queen yet lives, there... is more to that than would seem.  Powers have put great effort into her continued life.  For good or ill... it's not for me to know.  Past due, by years now.  Still...

As the suffering returns, so too other things.

Better.

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Several handfuls of aspirin through the last few days and my body has stopped screaming at me with it's pain.  I had a bite to eat.  Oh, but lost track of medicine.  Cats and ducks were managed.  I'll reset medicine.  I have been off with... everything.  When the body hurts as it was, focus is difficult.  Impossible.  As trying to speak in a hurricane.

I am planning on going back to bed shortly.  No more real food, but a fatted tea and insulin.  I suppose I could stay awake for several hours to test blood sugar, then take night insulin.  Well, and set up heart medicine.  The reasons it wasn't taken was because I hurt so badly and ran out during that time.  I couldn't focus to refill.  So tired now, but... yeah, I can do it now.

Someone sure knew where to dig.  While reviewing I realized something.  If my body is in nearly paralyzing pain, it seems emotional pain has no effect.  I am strongly suspicious that the reverse is true as well.  I suppose one could overtake the other, if there was enough.  Would rather not find out, or again.  I have probably found out many times before, just don't, thankfully, remember.  The thing about some improvements is that memory improves.  Not always a good thing.

It looks like it has snowed more.  I don't have the plow on.  A bit stuck.  If I can get to bed early tonight, there is a chance at function tomorrow.  While pain has either diminished or is fading, flu-like symptoms are showing.  It's not a lucky time.  Luck though?  Meh.  I obviously don't have such a thing if there is such a thing.  Later.

So very difficult.

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When life, just existing, becomes a torture, I am left wondering, doubting, questioning my resolve and the reasons for those sentiments.  Oddly, when I turn and reevaluate, the resolve is reasserted so swiftly I... am almost confused.  I see my faith is so far superior to my doubts that... life is... just is, and I will abide it, through terrible pain.

I won't tell you I understand.  On a purely logical, even physical, simple, basis, suicide would be considered reasonable.  I have many family who would support suicide, encourage it.  If not all for right reasons even within that wrong headedness.  I am almost certain, if some of my medical thought they could get away with it, they would kill me, without letting me know.  At least the ones who realize something is wrong, probably something that can't be fixed.

If I think most of the nonbelievers know, they just don't think vets, or me personally, deserve disability.  I do wonder how many modern doctors are being taught genocide, for the good of the planet, expediency, mercy, or simple economy?  Doctors, nurses, specialists.  If an easy diagnosis and solution can't be found?  Pretty soon I do expect medical genocide.

It is quite difficult.  Between confusion, exhaustion, and pain, of late, I can find no peace, or sleep.  With winter arriving so early, and various struggles beyond, it is difficult to sort through things.  On the good side, I do believe in the gift of life and God's will well beyond my simple creature comforts.  That may be the depth of my witness.  May it be enough.  Good night.

When I am, was, will be young.

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If I remember the future as well as the past, well outside my current days...

Snow!

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And it has started snowing again.  It was in the low twenties, F, out there.  So much for raking.  The sun had been out when the ducks were let out.  Blindingly bright.  I am surprised by the snow, in one sense.  I think this is one of, if not the earliest snows I recall since my time here.  And, yet, as cold and wet as it has been, the surprise is that it hasn't already snowed.  Some surprises are... three edged swords, with two opposing blades to boot.

Aye, I have held such a weapon, and heard of more terrible weapons still.  Not sure all, even the one I gripped and swung, are actually swords.  Though if the master of such a weapon insisted on saying such, I would be reluctant to war over a slight distinction.  Probably.

A shower next, if possible.  Then laundry.  Later.

When?

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I have no idea when I went to bed.  Midnight, or half after, if I had to say.  I woke at 13:00, if it took an half hour to get downstairs.  Oh, as to closing the windows upstairs?  It didn't help.  Or it got much colder.  Now the cubbyhole I sleep in, at floor level, gets up to 57°, or did this first night.  But the room, at three feet up, was 52°.  Yesterday morning, or before tending the ac's and shutting the windows, both readings were 54° F.  When I went up to bed, both read 50°.  Generally good enough.  I may open the vent, possibly run a fan, just to see if it can be made warmer.  Not sure I want it warmer.

I have been able to cuddle in, staying plenty warm.  The cap helps.  As well, a neck gaitor.  Both of which are usually taken off some time during the night, then the cap goes back on for the waking process.  I am keeping it 68° downstairs, but put it up to 70° or 72°, depending on feel, in the hopes of getting a shower quickly.  Then, win or lose, I kick it back to 66° unless cold is creeping in via wind or wet.  Then I will keep it at 68°.

A shower, then laundry starting easy with whites.  Then the ducks.  Hmm... may let them out first, then laundry, then a shower.  Yes, I like that path better.  Perhaps raking later.  Dishes at least set to a soak?  Another smaller load of laundry?  There will only be a few towels and washcloths in the first load.  First thing, ducks.  Later.

Some things.

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Nothing planned.  I kept thinking about raking.  I wanted to get out there.  The time ticked through the hours.  I turned the furnace up, then down.  After enough time gone, I changed my focus to a shower and laundry.  Perhaps that would get me going.  Never got to a shower.  Laundry waits as well.

Why?  I simply don't know.  I have eaten.  That was it.  I never really woke.  I couldn't think or get going.  At least the last SSA letter was clarified and the next step was taken.  Another call tomorrow, I hope.  So tired it hurts.  All over, in little ways.  Have you ever leaned into something which offers no give until you are completely spent?  Imagine if that something was your very own flesh within which you find yourself buried.

I do try.  There is tomorrow.  I fear I have more empty tomorrows than some of you will know of any kind.  The price must be paid.  In some ways I do it gladly.  But if there was a better, or more productive way?  I think, perhaps, my productivity is destructive.  This, perhaps, until that appointed hour, of your choosing if not knowing, is how it must be.

A curse, in the shorter term.  A grace in the eternal realm.  And Father's will, so mine.

Good night.

A nap and a call.

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I have been worried about SSA.  It's been a bit.  I couldn't tell what the letter meant, or how final what was suggested is.  But I have been so tired.  I had no choice but to nap first.  I can never be sure how long a nap will be, especially when stressful projects remain.  About two hours, as it turns out.  It was taken early enough to make the call.

An hour or two wait time to get through, on hold.  I can still continue the claim.  They will send more paperwork.  This time I will include everything.  Further, tomorrow, I will call the V.A. to attempt consults with every clinic which might be involved.  Definitely heart, endo, lung, internal medicine, and any they might recommend.  This is going to be as fun as pulling teeth without anesthesia.  But, if it has to be done best get to it.

I am going to check on the ducks as well as do some raking... unless it is raining, snowing, or windy.  If I can at least get one bag... two would be better.  No guarantees, save if conditions allow I will be out.  A fatted coffee first.  And a dose.  Night meds were just taken.  Ugh.  Later.

Nothing doing.

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The idea was there.  Work, chores, grooming.  And?  Nothing.  I didn't really eat, either. Two fatted drinks, mostly plain tea if not much of even that, and a salad slipped in at the end.  A quarter cup of cheese and ten mushroom slices was the bulk of it.  Couldn't have eaten anyway.

Medicine was taken.  I try to get morning medicine absolutely as early as my first drink of anything.  My night pills I try to take by early afternoon or I will forget.  Plus, that goal leaves a lot of time for a mistake, like yesterday actually?  Or the day before?  Late, but well before bedtime.  Memory stinks lately.  Which is why nothing got done yesterday.  It was part of it.  Dense psychic fog.

I don't think I took insulin last night.  So I didn't want to test blood sugar this morning. Habits are difficult to break.  Very glad I did.  At 124 definitely fasting, that is the best read in... many months, a year?  Definitely since back when I could fast.  An excellent surprise.

As well, if it took to the final snooze hit possible, the 6:00 alarm got me up.  It is down to 54° F upstairs now.  Pulling the ac's should help.  They aren't well sealed.  Though maybe it won't matter.  It is great for sleeping.  But getting into and out of bed can be a trick.  Well, and snuggling in, warming up, is a push.  But, when arranged, sleep is golden, without actually being a dead sleep.  I am going to try to regain the three to five waking time.  That will require sleeping earlier, and ballbreaking effort all around, plus naps.

It sure feels too early.  Such is life.  Now for a fatted coffee and an attempt to wake, do chores, and perhaps actual work.  Later.

Down and up late.

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When to bed?  Late is all I know.  Probably past midnight.  Well past.  Two, three?  Awake, a final time, just before noon.  I am not sure if slow acting insulin went in.  Then again I wasn't sure if I had taken last night's pill medicine.  After checking, that is affirmative, so there is a good chance insulin was had.  I best get to today's medicine.

I don't have anything thawed, so food will be... simple, light, and ugly today.  All good.  I am hoping to push it over, get out, and do some raking today.  Storing a bag or three.  If possible, perhaps setting up a bucket mouse trap out there, and bin hutches for them... three.  One big enough for all, plus two smaller ones, so they can have privacy, in case they want to pretend they are married.

I will start a load of laundry, try to get a shower, and perhaps set up dishes.  Too much?  Way too much.  If you must shoot at the moon, aim high.  But first, meds of all sorts, a fatted tea, and to finish waking.  Good day.  Oh, and if you haven't made it to church yet, but are going, remember me to the one I love.  *eyebrow action`*



`humor, not unfunny funny

I keep hoping for a better day.

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Everything is cranky.  Lots of places are sore.  I am tired, weary, and falter quickly.  Even so, I haven't given up.  I keep trying to find means of getting past the problems.  Naps, if I can't get going... More food, or better food and at the right times... medicine and insulin... and consciously trying to keep chores and projects in the mind.

The sun is out, if there seems to be a darkness.  I was down late and up late.  I was hoping the nap would have helped.  Then again maybe it did.  If I can't push to work bu 11:00, a nap will be had.  I will have a fatted tea shortly, and a dose.  Blood sugar was 152 fasting.  After yesterday I am afraid to to go light.  Though that may have had something to do with the drink, or additives, over time.

I keep thinking the stairs will get easier, or getting up off the floor will become simpler. Actually life is almost too easy sometimes.  It is like being superhuman, all imagined save flying.  Then weeks and months go by when standing to shave or brushing teeth is a painful chore.  At least I am not sleeping for weeks or months at a time anymore.  While life has improved it doesn't seem like it, because now I remember downtimes.

So tired.  I best let the ducks out.  Hmm... actually I'll do that after a probable nap, alternate their outings.  I will check their food and water though.  After the coffee and meds, I will decide about the nap.  As is, my eyes are nearly crossing.  I am sleepy.  You would think caffeine would help.  Later.

A rather difficult day.

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Normally I don't worry about the symptoms.  It's just the way of things.  But it seems rougher, is lasting longer.  I will call Monday.  It reminds me of when the lungs were filled a third, only not as severe.  I have no swelling of the legs, ankles, or feet, and have been taking three water pills because there was swelling when taking two.  As well, I am drinking less, probably down to an half gallon a day.  Something isn't working.

I have been taking medicine every day since the weekend slip a couple of weeks to month ago.  I can't even remember how long it had been since I missed before that... months?  I am doing what I can with insulin.  As well, I am pushing sleep and waking, if losing slowly.  I am eating as well as I am able too.  I can't do much more.  My last blood draw was 121.  I just took the night stuff, without testing.  If it did anything, it went up.

Good night.

A crash.

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I attempted to stay up later.  Couldn't.  I was afraid, if I slept, I would sleep for hours, a day perhaps, throwing everything off.  I know it is slipping.  I just, in spite of my claims... if I could keep to a schedule, I would.  I have slipped five to seven hours in the last month, but... it is better than... it can be.  I have done better.  But this is pretty good.

I could not stay awake.  No choice.  So, down I went.  I must have crashed.  After finally settling, I don't remember anything.  When I woke to weak light, I was pretty sure it was later afternoon.  It was, 16:30.  It was an hour and an half, maybe ten minutes more, down.  I had set a timer, right before surrendering to the nap... for two hours.  Sometime less than ten minutes after waking I noted twenty minutes remaining.

Thinking about chicken.

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The baked thigh video recipe was reviewed.  As I was doing so, another recipe popped, butter broasted chicken and just an oddity... garlic butter.  The buttered chicken could have been good.  The idea is good.  But then the guy added a bunch of sugar, plus processed barbecue sauce and spice which also had sugar.  I am sure it would be tasty.  Lead is a sweatener too.  Yeah.  No.

As to the garlic butter?  The only reason for that would be for bread.  Bread is just another form of sugar.  Now, butter baste the chicken in garlic butter?  As a steak replacement treat, once a month?  Sure.  It is a bit rich even for keto eaters.  At least once calories start being, if roughly, counted.

Slightly after dawn.

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I am a bit surprised.  I couldn't go down until midnight, give or take.  I reset the alarms to eight and ten.  I think I woke at six, if I felt too bad to get up.  It took a couple of snooze bars, but the sun helped.  If I were a betting man, my second bet would have been on a ten wake.  To be honest though, I wasn't sure the alarms would wake me.

A long trip, a late night.  Stresses worrying my mind, oxygen problems, it does add up. It is a rough morning.  I am sore.  I am still tired.  Blood sugar is 152 fasting, again.  This morning I will hit it harder, right off.  Less than what I was using, but not the minimum.  It is experimental.  At this point, the slow acting isn't reducing total intake.  It might be reducing risk of a dangerous drop, but I have learned to manage those.

New glasses ordered.

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A trip to the V.A.  The last for the month.  Good thing, I am down to $50 in the bank.  I hope I got that right.  I used the last of my cash to buy a pack of chicken thighs, salad makings, and a pack of mushrooms.  I have two other packs of meat in the freezer, and some canned meat and fish.  Pretty down on everything.  But mostly caught up.  Milk will be caught up, and water utilities will be started.

Foods, first thing.  Burger and chicken enough for several months, plus I will be looking for specials on better meats for occasional food.  Even chuck roast has become a delicacy.  What is cheaper while still offering meat?  Soup bones are really expensive for what you get, oxtail to knuckles.  I'll... look.

I will call SSA tomorrow, and the V.A.  I need to get consults to figure out, diagnose, and perhaps solve the problem(s).  I really wouldn't mind working.  It wouldn't be difficult to make more than what social security offers.  The thing is, I have to be able to keep a schedule, and not pass out from lack of air.  Well, and I have to not have muscles burning and weak after a few hours.  I thought that was the heart.  Apparently not.  Best to find out.

No heart palpitations, but the rest and more.  Yes, we will do what it takes to get a diagnosis.  Stress tests, blood tests, mri's, x-rays, whatever it takes minus the gun.  I must insist.  If I am not disabled, then figure out what is wrong, why everything hurts, is exhausted, why I can't sleep or wake regularly.  Medicate or treat it.  Or diagnose as disabled.  I am not going to let me off disability while I am too broken to work.  Either make it so I can get through engineering school or diagnose disability.

Ugh.  So tired.  Too tired to sleep.  I did feed the girls, and checked the ducks.  The ducks will need fresh water tomorrow, first thing.  It is rough.  Will try to crash as soon as possible.  Sleep well.  Good night.

Up before dawn.

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Morning continues to slip.  When I was able to get to a regular day, I was awake early.  I maintained it using the alarm clock.  Initially, the two times were set at three and five.  That has been helping, if slipping.  First slip was having to change to five and seven alarms, now six to eight.  This is the longest and best regulated sleep I have had, or close to it.  Unfortunately it is about to fail.  Control is slipping.

I woke this morning after the first alarm had run through snoozes.  There are five, the initial at time zero, then one every ten minutes until the last, forty minutes later.  Some days I remember none, save the waking one.  Some rougher days I remember every single one, as ladder rungs painfully slipping through my hands.  This morning was a bit tough, but far from the worst.  The difficult part this morning is that I am still painfully tired.  So tired that waking has flared the ringing in my ears.  Up at 7:30, which is slightly before actual, if valley, dawn.  Oh, and it is right at 20° F this morning.

Someone is saying something.

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Not sure who, exactly.  If I think I know what.  Don't drink and accuse!?  I am back in the closet, for any and all practical or impractical purposes, and literally come to think of it!

Besides...

On it goes.

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Blood sugar was down to 132.  Not optimal but not terrible.  I decided to use 12 cc's with dinner, a romaine salad with an ounce of shredded cheddar and a keto ranch dressing.  I can't, even in good times, afford storebought keto stuff often.  So I use basic ingredients and make it.  It can be a bit funky, it isn't absolutely perfect, but it works on a dime... nickel... penny.  Forget organics, but I never fell for that.

Oh, I am still finishing the fatted coffee or tea from earlier.  The rest of the night will be plain tea.  I may take a late shower too.  The temperatures have been stable, but I am freezing.  My feet and legs, as night approaches, begin to chill.  If I can warm up well, then wear several pair of socks to hold it in until later, it might help me get the sleep I need.  Trying to sleep while freezing is difficult.

I called my mom.  They are getting similar weather, staggered a few days.  But farming is difficult.  Only one field of corn in.  No soy.  Winter is coming and it keeps raining.  If it was just the US, but it is hitting many primary and secondary breadbaskets.  We do have reserves.  Many nations do.  But those are limited, more so if everyone is hit.  Africa will starve and Europe will be left with very few hard choices.

The world is about to get ugly in ways not seen for a century, give or take.  With nuclear weapons, it could go south very fast.  There aren't good guys anymore.  As good as it gets is picking teams based on nations and alliances.  It won't be empires anymore, not for long.  I guess the gooder guys will have their military out of their nations.  The bad ones will be using their military and intell on their own as much as against their enemies.

It is definitely growing darker.  If it hits before I die...  If you don't have family...  Money is already becoming empty.  Land is okay, if you can keep it, and use it to grow real food.  You have to have a sufficient growing season.  Gold and silver travel, but as with land, keeping it is something else.  It is truly growing darker.

If it gets truly cold, colder, colder even than that?  The look on their faces when Americans just take over Mexico, and on down as needed?  Europe moving into Africa by force?  Russia is screwed.  Though Europe would have trouble too.  Oh, yes.  The looks on their faces when northern militaries just shove ahead of their people... while pretending to negotiate?  Even a minor ice-age and that will happen.  This isn't the 1400's.

Right or wrong doesn't get figured in to survival.  Fair?  Anyone who insists on fairness will be left, along with the disabled, elderly without family, and any who won't work.  It is coming.  Is it already here?  All I know is there are darker days ahead.  How hard, how soon... I just can't be certain.

A bit better.

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Still low on oxygen.  Seems like it.  I just didn't do much, or try to do much.  And the ducks cooperated.  Actually, they were already in.  All I had to do was close their gate, and lock it.  Perhaps the bit of sunshine helped.  Then again, I wasn't fighting to try to do things.

Fasting blood sugar was lower, but after meal blood sugar didn't drop enough.  I need to use more fast acting insulin when having a bigger meal.  It wasn't huge, a half a pound of burger, with four ounces of cheddar, on a bed of lettuce.  Well, and half an avocado and a fatted tea.  Tonight it will just be salad and pumpkin seeds, with plain tea.  I did have another 8 cc dose and fatted tea several hours ago.  Depending on how the numbers look will be the basis for the last dose... other than long acting... but that is always 25 cc's unless blood sugar is less than 90.  Then I just eat something with it.

I called SSA.  They were supposed to call back.  If they did, they used an unlisted number.  I'll try again tomorrow.  Later.

A bit brighter.

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The sun is out.  It was partial earlier, if brighter than yesterday at about any time.  At 9:30 it is ~45° F out there.  Pleasant, unless there is a cold wind or breeze.  But the sun really helps.  It is still a warm sun.  A bit of light did make waking easier.  Sleeping upstairs will be an advantage that way.

Whatever is or was wrong made for a miserable first half of the night.  My feet and legs were freezing, hat on and using every method I have.  Now I remember why I forget.  A method works for a short while.  Having a bit of success lifts the spirits for a bit.  If I remembered that nothing I have tried, having tried pretty much everything, while I would understand the honest truth, I would never have even short moments of functional hope.  Even heart medicine and the seeming improvement from it, are false.

I still wonder if they know what, or what all, is wrong?  If they can't fix it, why bother?  If it is eventually terminal, why mess with it.  Perhaps the experiment is a success in that it hasn't killed me yet?  Maybe people live longer when not given the diagnosis?  After last night, and the last few days, weeks, months actually, I realize there are more problems, or the problems aren't well understood.

I was finally able to warm enough to sleep better, probably after midnight.  I am still quite tired.  I woke ten after eight, the would have been second snooze.  Medicine down.  Blood sugar is 165 fasting.  I wasn't sure if today was going to be high or a lot higher.  This is actually lower, a definite surprise.  It took a bit to get started.  Tea is only finally just about ready.  Perhaps some leftover cheesy burger on a base of lettuce, with avocado, and a lighter dose of insulin?  Yeah.

I have been looking for a keto app.  The problem is, they all want information they simply don't need.  As well, the ones you "buy" will update and eventually try to charge you again, even monthly.  I am surprised people keep using these monstrosities. People are paying to be jacked, then literally robbed on top of it.  No app yet found.  I will keep looking.

Feeling a bit better.  My eyes are burning, a bit from lack of air yesterday, partly from poor sleep.  Still, better in general.  Later.

Something is terribly wrong.

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I am having trouble breathing, or getting oxygen in.  Tunnel vision and sweating.  No pain, but some discomfort and a mild headache.  Nothing much to work with.  I took aspirin easier, will take another batch.  I got a shower taken, but that was it.  I was dragging just to do that.  I will brush my teeth and crash.  I am wondering about CO or CO2?  Or other bad air?

Not much I could do.  Sleep outside?  Maybe not tonight, but if I survive, setting up tomorrow?  It may seem strange, but...

Blood sugar was 192.  That doesn't make sense either.  A ninety two point spike from a normal to smaller sized meal of cabbage, burger, cheddar, and butter.  I had a fatted coffee and 20 cc's of fast acting insulin between two and three hours ago.  It only brought it down to 174.  Not sure what the problem is... are?  I can take the slow acting and try to sleep.  Good night.

Sometimes she cradles me just right.

Late, but a nap was had.

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I thought, after waking, that life would be better.  I figured stamina, oxygen levels, and else would be improved.  I woke well and easily.  After a few things, I got right on dinner.  I also almost passed out.  No air and little capacity to get it.  The lungs just aren't taking it in well?  I had to sit for a while.

I did get supper back on track.  Steamed burgers and cabbage.  Well, and a fatted coffee.  Two patties, being how light the rest of my meals were.  Perhaps half an avocado as well.  Then a shower and setting up dishes.  I will skip shaving until tomorrow.  I brought laundry down, but just to the bathroom.  That will stay there until tomorrow.  I just can't do much.  If I do something besides showering and dinner, it will be a quick first hit on the dishes.  There aren't many, and they are bigger items.

It sure has been a dark day.  But it has been above freezing, say in the low 40s when I checked.  Some rain, or possibly snow that melted overnight?  Definitely some moisture left this morning, if not much.  It hasn't been cold enough to freeze the kiddy pool, or even the duck water trough.  Yeah, that does surprise me.

Anyway.  I will keep trying.  Later.

It just isn't working.

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I couldn't get back to sleep.  I also couldn't get to work.  I used gaming in an attempt to push something along.  No dice.  I could only play a short bit.  Sleep.  A nap may be required.  I just can't keep awake.  Well, and the lungs burn without much effort.  I let the ducks out for their hour.  They didn't want to go back in.  I was already seeing stars so I wasn't willing to play.  I used my brain, and as little exertion as possible.

Meds are good.  Blood sugar was down to 139 after breakfast and a while.  I decided on another fatted tea and a light dose, 8 cc's.  By early afternoon blood sugar is 100.  I'll heat the last third of the cabbage along with fresh hamburger for supper after I wake, then test several hours later.  It should be fine for numbers.  Blood sugar goes up while sleeping, even a short nap.  Or it stays the same.  Usually.  Bleh.

Later, or much later.

A trim and a dose.

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To shorten and ease a potential shave later, trimming the whiskers helps.  A fresh blade helps too.  It didn't take much of, but it seems to stiffen and straighten the whiskers.  It means two shorter periods of standing, rather than a longer single time.  My life is down to planned efficiency and extreme limits, and deprivations.

If I can't do it, or figure out how to part jobs and chores, I might well have to go without.  It... gets tiring have to figure out every last little detail, especially with an extra limited memory. Unless there is a good reason for something, best to go without.  So, why shave?  It allows my ego to almost believe we aren't dead.  Or at least not completely dead to the world.

As to dosing...  The plan was 8 cc's fast acting three times a day, plus 25 cc's slow acting once a day.  The slow acting is on target.  The fast acting not so much.  I am down from 20 cc's two to three times a day, to 8 to 15 cc's three times a day.  Although I take it more frequently, I have different parameters.  I just take less, if always with a meal, even if it is lower than I would have taken it before.  Unless it is below 90, so long as I am eating, I will take at least 8 cc's.

I am writing this out, not to bore you but to get it straight in my mind, which should translate back to action.  I am memorizing my programming.  It seems to be working.  And fast acting insulin is decreasing... more so when I don't indulge in sugars, starches, or carbs.  I don't know if it will ever really work.  But, for now, this is the program.

I am still not sure if I will be crashing shortly, or showering and getting on with my day.  But I did, thank you AoSHQ, run into not just a simple, tasty recipe, but inexpensive food.  When I can't think or remember, it's good to have friends... or for my part.  Oh, and keto gravy, which can work for any meat really.  I personally don't believe in vegetable stock or gravy... anyway...  I may have to alter the chicken recipe, can't have sugars.  But I think it is doable.  Further, if I can get a solid keto version of that sauce, I'm thinking pork chops, tougher beef cuts with more moisture and time, possibly more.  I've go about $50, plus three packs of meat and veggies for the month... and another trip to the V.A.  Tight, baby.  Later.

Losing the morning.

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I was doing well, after the last restart.  Going to bed between 17:00 and 19:00, waking between 3:00 and 5:00.  I started slipping so I brought the alarm clock in.  That helped, for a while.  It was already slipping, but as I have been focusing on the new insulin, I have been staying up later so as to test, and snack if numbers are too low.  I am often awake to 21:00 to 23:00.  This morning it was an eight awake.  I will be trying to take it back, but that has never worked before.  It would require earlier sleep times.

Tuesday?  I thought it was Monday.  Or, at times.  I got a bit off, mostly.  Have you ever gotten the day and date right, then lost track.  Then kept doing that.  That seems to be the problem.  I'll try to get that straightened today.  Sure is dark.  I am almost certain it is technically well beyond dawn.  Must be something dark brewing.

A shower as soon as possible.  Tea before that, and brushing.  Perhaps a shave if I can stand.  Goals?  Ah.  A few phone calls.  Duck and cats, per the usuals.  Shower and shave.  Cleaning the bathroom.  And back to dishes.  At least setting them up.  Oh, and getting laundry to the washroom, perhaps sorted, for tomorrow... or soon.

I figured out a better way to sleep.  Now I can stretch full length if wanted.  I usually sleep in a fetal position, but it is good to be able to stretch out fully sometimes.  I apparently don't always need the cap, or for the whole night.  I lost it sometime during the night, but was fine.  My legs and feet weren't blocks of ice this morning.  I tried a different sort of cap.  I think it was too tight.  I have to try a few others.

Blood sugar was 120 at bedtime.  It is 181 fasting.  A fatted coffee and insulin for breakfast.  A bit of time to wake.  Then on to goals.  So tired.  Had to push to get out of bed.  After what passes for breakfast, brushing and maybe shaving.  If I can't wake better, it is back to bed.  I won't shower until I am definitely up for the day.  Later.

A good day.

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Couldn't do a damned thing.  But I wasn't cold, I stopped hurting by early afternoon for no good reason.  I did get the ducks out for an hour.  It really does make them happy.  I also ate right and and well, checking blood sugar.  I splurged on lunch, had a baked potato, with butter.  Just that.

I was curious.  A smaller dose than what had become my usual brought blood sugar from 168 fasting to 119 before the potato.  Four hours later, blood sugar was up to 171.  I dosed, if again more lightly, then had supper.  It was down to 112, if I needed more food so ate again.  I'll check in about another hour.

I steamed cabbage, mushrooms, and the burger lamb mixed patties.  Those were as horrible as remembered.  I just couldn't choke them down.  But the cabbage and mushrooms were extremely tasty with butter and salt, along with a lightly fatted tea.  The thing is, cabbage is filling.  But it didn't last so I became hungry soon.  Another third of the cabbage and the last two ounces of mushrooms saw to my hunger.

I just couldn't think, remember, today.  I turned up the heat, hoping that would help.  Nope.  Actually I did shower first thing.  I... just... don't know?  I know I have things to do.  I just can't remember what, or to do them the moments I can recall.  I'll keep at it.  Good for what all, especially having no pain.  I'll see about the rest.

Another shower tomorrow.  It might help.  It can't hurt.  Later?

Dawn?

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When does it even happen?  Of course, being overcast, living in a mountain valley which is open north and south, in October?  Lucky to notice daytime at all.  Fine.  I wonder if there is a local source which accounts for the mountains to express when dawn actually arrives?  Sure, I could just look.  But... that takes effort and awareness, things not always available.  Why would I like the information?  Well, so when possible, to go look.  While dying, if albeit slowly, I am finally able to be slightly more aware.  I would like to see the bits of the world around me as I drift off.

Oh, the cap is really making life more pleasant.  While it didn't keep my legs as comfortably warm during the day as at night, it was an improvement compared to days without the cap.  Rather than numb or worse iceblocks for legs, they are merely mildly frigid.  I need more caps, however, if one is to be worn most of the time.  I won't always wear them when going out, though at times perhaps.  What, several for day and night, a few extra for wash schedule?  I'll look at several types, see if there are better ones for day and night or in general.  The one I am using is a thinner synthetic.  Other than being a bit small, it serves.  I just don't want itchy ones.

Blood sugar was 168 fasting.  Better.  I used less fast acting this morning.  Less last dose last night, and the final blood sugar was 122.  Maybe it is working toward working out.  I will hold off the call, as the numbers are heading enough in the right directions, all around, to let the thing ride.

A fatted tea, plus cheese, a few mushroom slices, salami, and pepperoni... about a quarter cup of cream and an ounce and an half of the other fats, for breakfast.  I believe steamed cabbage with a few of those mixed patties and mushrooms for lunch, perhaps supper too.  Nothing fancy, but.  Actually, something about mushrooms and cabbage really works.  Add butter and meat, and it is rather special.

A shower, the ducks, a few calls...  I don't know what I need to do.  I just know I have to try to wake and move, call and dig out... do... some... things.  I'll... be thinking then hopefully doing.  I am not tired, I just can't seem to think clearly, or remember what I need, or want, to do.  I may need a nap to clear my mind.  Later.

Maybe?

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Blood sugar is at 93.  Still low, so a keto snack then a final test in two hours.  An ounce of salami, paper thin, is in the oven, with an ounce of cheddar cheese.  As well, six small green olives were sliced into thirds, and the remnant of a piece of brie will be added... somewhere.

It sounds expensive.  And, if you ate for volume not flavor, it would be.  I am learning to eat as the French intended, small, highly flavorful, bits of foods, mixed by flavor, texture, type, with some style and appearance considered.  What few seem to remember is that, even at what was thought of as the height of French cuisine, they were starving.  Even the nobles.  They almost learned to pretend to eat by eating little meals, one after the other.  Flavor was about all they had.

Yes, I am trying to recapture that way of eating, combining it with keto.  My whole menu today cost around $6.  Now, I only ate portions of parts.  Still... I have almost no money for food this month.  Then again, maybe that is a good thing.  I am definitely learning to feast on flavor.  It's not bad.  Later.

Troubled.

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Have you ever worked too hard, to the point you feel oxygen deprived enough that perhaps you might pass out?  Have you ever done that while sitting for hours?  There you go.  I thought, perhaps, being active, doing something, as a reverse psychology being applied to physiology, might help.  NOPE!  I came close to passing out.

I let the ducks out, just for an hour.  While the water can be open in the pool, I want them to enjoy.  However, I am keeping it short, as mentioned.  I went out to let them back in.  Usually they go right in... unless they just aren't interested.  Around and around we went.  The second, going on third time I thought to check.  Ah.  The inner, screen, door was shut.  Perhaps when I  pulled the food bin out?  I have to close the door when filling their food tray.  Usually I open it afterward.  I do think someone goes through, from time to time.  "Borrows" feed, just goofing, dunno?

Anyway...  Still, once the gate is back open doesn't mean they will just go in.  They have become accustomed to the chase.  The trick, then, is to get them to stop near the outer door, think, and reconsider what to do.  Only then will they then notice the inner gate is open and go in.  That about clocked me.  I was seeing stars so thick I wasn't sure I would make it to my chair.   Actually, I don't remember from (I hope) just before closing the inner gate and sitting.  I'll check that and the back door soon.  I've also received a wonderful headache.  Left, high center slightly above the middle of the center of the brow.  Like a spike, but not terrible pain... throbbing, not constant.   Well, and with a drawn gut, as if I ate cardboard.

I have been eating carefully.  Watching keto and calories.  A burger patty and lettuce bed, or cheese and salami with a fatted coffee.  Keeping things to ounces, cream to a quarter cup, and only three meals.  Oh, but blood sugar was up to 166.  I had attempted to cut fast acting insulin.  That just isn't working.  But that wouldn't cause the near crash.

I actually crash like that fairly often.  There just isn't a reason to whine about it.  And I haven't actually ever passed out, that I can recall.  They have to figure this out if they want me to work.  And, no, it isn't psychiatric.  That is the lazy stupid excuse for not diagnosing and treating what may simply be a failing body.  They then just need to admit it is physical, debilitating, real, but unknown.

What a strange world.

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My legs are usually cold.  In the summer, this can be good, offering a sort of heatsink albeit with limits.  But much of the rest of the year, when it is cooler, this is a major liability.  Imagine, though too, having the better part of your body needing cool to be less tortured while the other half needs warmth.  When my legs go cool, using them leaves the muscles burning or in knots.  I take extras over recommended of certainly vitamins and minerals, which has cleared most knotting.

I have been trying things.  Elevating them, from time to time through the day.  As well, adding a pillow to lift the feet.  Now that I am sleeping in a confined space, I well wrap them in blankets and lean them against the wall.  It seems counterproductive, if it has more to do with the heart than...  I can't be sure.  Doctor recommendation.

I put on socks, two pair often, though I am finding that doesn't work as well as wrapping them well, and keeping skin from one on skin of the other.  The thing is, I have been working on this problem for... decades.  It is just that until the last few years I couldn't keep track of my experiments.  Who knows, maybe I learned this before.

Anyway, since the haircut, my legs have been worse than ever.  Now there are areas where they seem colder (can't tell by external touch).  Those spots feel numb, and yet itch like crazy.  My head was getting odd in a similar way... I thought the legs' problems were due to circulation issues.  The head?  Just from the cool of having short hair.

So, last night, I got out what I was taught to call a watch cap, in the Navy.  I put that on.  In short order, the scalp itch and discomfort was gone.  As I eased into a more restful state, an amazing thing started to happen.  My legs began to warm.  For the first time since I have been ill, in cold weather, without cranking the furnace to the misery of the rest of me, my legs and feet were comfortable... no itches, no numb spots, not too hot either.  Perfect.

You have no idea how... wonderful that was.  It was difficult to wake this morning, I was so comfortable.  I'll be working on that part.  I was hoping, lightly, that the cap would help with the legs while seated.  Nope.  Perhaps when I put them up later.  I can't keep them up for too long at a time, busts the knees up.  Still, to have nights, and better sleep potentially back?  I'll take what I can get.

Blood sugar was a bit high before my last meal, so I dosed.  It remained a bit high yet by bedtime (both in the mid 150s).  I took the slow acting  before bed.  Blood sugar is 186 fasting this morning.  Later.

Warnings?

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From a pal.  To avoid, be cautious at least.  If some pals are just jealous of feminine attention going to their friends.

Flirtation or damnation?

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From a woman, as I suspect, it might even be both... within the same breath.

Late to rise.

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No choice.  I was awake late working on diabetes.  Working on diabetes?  Well... I have been attempting to get my blood sugars under control.  After eating poorly from running out of better food, then eating too much of the right food, on top of an unsuccessful try at a new medication, I finally got things in line for a second gamble on the new stuff.

I have been managing to eat better, and less.  Blood sugar was brought back under control with just my original insulin.  I kept it that way for a few days.  I have been spreading my meals, and blood sugar draws, out... at least for now.  Intermittent fasting wasn't working with the new stuff.  So, I ate supper a bit too late, scheduling changes take practice.

So... I had to stay up way late to test blood sugar before risking taking a large dose of the long-acting insulin.  I... don't trust it.  It was better, but only compared to the first trial of it.  I went to bed with a blood sugar of 134 two to three hours after supper.  It was still 181 fasting this morning, with nine hours of sleep plus the time after the meal.

I...  I set it up to hopefully have this weekend to try.  I am still having to use 20 cc's of the fast acting, two to three times a day, to maintain the 90 to 140 roughly requested.  And unless the fasting number drops significantly, the slow acting insulin is useless.  The last time they tried the slow acting stuff, alone, my blood sugar went up to over 500... over the ability of my glucometer to measure.  I have doubts.  I gave it a chance, hoping that combined with fast acting it would lower morning fasting sugar numbers, which would lower the need for fast acting, which might lower the need for slow acting, etc.

There is still a chance.  And I don't mind keto or intermittent and regular fasting (the latter both for health as well as faith purposes).  However, if it doesn't allow for any larger dietary options, and lower fasting numbers plus cut the need for fast acting insulin, then it is useless to me.  I have right keto food available, I am focusing on calories for these few days, and I have two more days to... explore the possibility.

No matter what, since I am having to add so much fast acting, I will be calling the pharm consultant Monday.  I only waited this long because I wanted to be back in control of my diet, with numbers well regulated, then give it several days.  Two more days.  We will see.  Can't say I don't try to give it a fair shake, even if it takes a while to sort out the process.  I was so tired I couldn't think or act straight, until the last few days.  Later.

What to do.

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I can't change whatever is wrong.  I can't diagnose it.  All I can do is explain the problems to those with the skills and knowledge to diagnose and perhaps treat whatever is wrong.  I thought this had been done well enough already.  Apparently not.  So, back in to the hospital.

Or, at least, to various clinics.  Endocrinology, back to the heart clinic, perhaps internal medicine, and whatever else.  My lungs shouldn't burn from a trip several days ago.  My internal organs shouldn't hurt.  Muscles in my legs shouldn't feel burned, etc.  Aspirin doesn't fix anything, it merely, a few times a week or every other week, cuts things just a bit, if it requires pretty close to 2k mgs to move the peg.  Well, and why, no matter my effort, can I not control my sleep?

Add that up, and there is something terribly wrong.  If Social Security is saying I can work, then the V.A. has to help solve these problems, problems I have done my best to get through.  I have never been able to solve these things.  Even taking ritalin didn't help all that much.  A brutal ride, when it worked.  Imagine what must be wrong to fall asleep on that stuff.

So, I am going to have to insist that the V.A. look until it finds what is wrong.  I'll bet they already know, or have a good idea.  It is that they, as vet hating medical bureaucrats are working with ssa to cut vets out.  They have decided we already get enough, too much, as vets, as is.  So, this won't be easy, with two government bureaucracies working together against me... but it's what I have.

I have my pain.  That is all, along with exhaustion.  If I think pain is the culprit... it just wears you down.  Interesting though, that I often enough end up simply numb.  I am so tired.  I am sleeping as needed, it simply doesn't help.  Something is wrong.  They need to find it.  Fix it, then, or list it as a right-off.

Grumpy?

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Not really.

A trip to SLC can cripple me for days.  If the temp increases a few degrees, even when sleep is desperately needed and greatly desired, I can't sleep.  If the temps decrease a few degrees, or it gets cloudy, I may end up sleeping longer, days at a time.  If anything changes, I might collapse into a heap.  Sometimes that will happen for no reason at all.

I am dying, so very slowly.  There is no recovery.  They know it, I know it.  Still, probably for political reasons, they keep denying social security.  I have considered abandoning or selling the house, but rent would be similar, only privacy would be even worse than it is now.  If I am working on regaining privacy.

No, I am stuck.  Unless I chose to just sell, or try to sell, then disappear.  Living out of a pack is a hard thing.  Irresponsible, in my condition.  Then again, living on my own isn't wise.  The options aren't good though, as to living with others.  People are dangerously hungry these days.  Kill you for a dollar.

It's a tough day, week.  I, once, tried to disbelieve.  I failed.  While I too live in a world of pain, I have chosen against pain treatment.  Aspirin, max, if rarely even then.  I know where he is at.  Honestly, it is a lonely place.  And people wish to leave you.  I understand.  I do.  It is difficult to watch someone else die, especially a slow grinding painful useless death.  It isn't a test, it is an opportunity.

The world is going very wrong.

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Politics has always been dirty.  It has always been about money.  Actual open markets, where prices and costs are truly based on market pressures, needs, and wants, not central bankers and central planners setting prices based on politics and kickbacks as much as gambling with commodities, is gone.

Beyond, the forces which kept open markets in play have lost or sold out.  Capitalists are gone, replaced by crony capitalists... socialists really, and outright communists.  Why the switch.  In part to avoid competition.  If a communist or fascist government chooses a winner, that is that.  It is a safe bet, if you think you are large enough to keep your name at the top of the list, then become too big to fail.

When politics is reduced to the left and the right, excluding Christianity, real free thinking, and individualism, and cultural and actual civil rights, politics is reduced to socialism and communism.  And the further truth is that communism, at that point, unless there are external powers which could interfere, always wins in time.  It is the best of the worst.

America used to be the outside force.  Currently we have three political forces.  There are dems and republicans, if pretty much in agreement on most things, only differing in who gets the crumbs and who gets the lion's shares.  It used to be that dems were the socialists as redistributionists and reps the fascists as crony capitalists, once both parties turned against America and Americans.  Now they are both deeper crony capitalists.

And then there is Trump.  He is an anachronism.  A dem from before the party became a globalist asset.  I think there were a few like him in the 70s still.  If most of us, me even as a kid, knew they were rubes.  No one was so naive to believe dems of even the 70s weren't socialist anti-Americans.  Trump?

He's not a... complete rube.  I'd like to say he isn't a rube at all, but... I can't, not fully.  He thinks he has allies, some control.  The only reason he hasn't been shot or impeached is because his enemies are currently using him as a pawn, to be the target of mutual enemies.  It's a dangerous game he plays.  But he is a socialist too, just a pro-American one.

It isn't just politics.  Big business has become either Chinese or global fascist.  They want government(s) too allow them their excesses, help or allow them to destroy competition, and buy from or through them.  And, they will get it.  Until the governments become a government and takes them over.  At this point, I don't think there is a way out.  And, if you notice, they will destroy you.  Yes, they will.

Dentist, yesterday.

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Whiter, but worse?  By some measures yes.  A few recommendations as to ho to improve.  The easy one is to spend time brushing at a 45º angle near the roots.  Oh, I was told that taking plaque (is it) off my teeth is strangely pleasant.  A guy has to be good for something!   Much whiter this time.  Without any actually whitening specific processes.

I had a keto burger.  Messy, but it worked.  In-N-Out burgers, without buns, fries, or soda.  I had my homebrew tea.  The thermos works well.  I dump and clean it at the end of the day, refill it for next time.  I have two 40's and two 24 ouncers.  An igloo with ice, some dry tea along, a way to make tea, and I could keep in right fluids indefinitely.  When travelling I drink less, 40s last a whole day, 24s would do a half day hike.  A light trek.

On the way home, I stopped for a trim.  Short, but not a flattop.  Easier to work with, I'll see how it goes.  Feels good.  Then shopping.  Groceries.  I went a bit out of keto trim.  Grapes and potatoes.  The rest was fine, from cheeses to salami, real meats, avocado, salad makings, and cabbage.

I grilled some inexpensive steak-like cuts, a potato, and beets.  It's been so long since I have had a real meal, I didn't mind the splurge.  I'll back off from now on, after finishing the grapes.  I'll still have potato a couple times a week, but half, and not with other treats, such as grapes.  Still, a very good meal.  Plus, if a splurge is at hand, fruit or potatoes is far better.  Though yams, real ones, would be better yet.

I called my brother, twice.  Left a message.  Called my mom, got through.  A busy, tiring, full day.  I am hoping to get to the post, pull and put up garden hoses, rake some, and maybe clean the bathroom?  Goals.  It has warmed, to the 60ºs, maybe 70ºs?  I'll take it.  Good morning, day, and... whatnot.

Someone.

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Someone watches.  Sees.  Knows.  Remembers...  Terrifies.

They even remembered the Rules.

Wonders.

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I used to think women... what... had sympathy, for well blooded warriors?

I have changed my mind.  It, I think now, is a sort of empathy... from the feminine side of a very bloody hard world.  I am almost sure.  My... sacrifices, besides creating empathy also creates a hunger, a yearning, for the very thing which drives their empathy.  I... see it.  And in ways few men can... a blessed curse.

I see them, here, now.  Showing what I believe I see.  Music to my ears.  Mercy.

Ah, I see.

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Would rather not, sometimes.  Go away, or bleed too.

Up with the first alarm.

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Down at 17:00, awake first time at midnight.  I hadn't set the alarms as I was sure I would be awake earlier.  But that was too early, if more because of business hours than need for sleep.  Although that was a bit tight on sleep.  Just a bit.  I always have problems waking later after a really good wake though.  So I set the alarms.

Three strange dreams, if only two are remembered.
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In the first, I was observing the life of a young woman in England during the reign of one of the earlier queens.  I just couldn't figure out which one.  It was as if that information was being kept from me.  She was nobility, married to another, an officer in the military, off somewhere in one of the many British exploits.

She had just found out she was pregnant.  But the world seemed to have just turned against her.  From her doctor to family and personal friends she had stopped being in favor.  When they couldn't escape her company, their cruelty was terrible, and just when she needed them most.  Her family, while they still loved her, seemed resigned to her ill fate.

She realized something awful had happened.  She simply had no idea what.  Had her husband done something unforgivable?  Had she made a greater noble angry?  She had only ever and just been in the queens presence twice, from afar.  She began to inquire.

It was the queen.  For whatever reason the queen had taken a dislike, then uttered that she, the young woman, would be better off dead.  And that was that.  With a casual scant sentence, her death sentence had been given.  It seems no reprieve for being with child would be granted.  But why?  Because she was queen and said so.

She realized, if she didn't die soon, her husband and birth kin would begin to pay.  Her friends might already be suffering.  So she began willing herself to death.  Without suicide, but with a fierce will, her and her unborn baby were dead within months.  It really seemed true.  Anyone who ever thinks royalty and nobility is the way is a fool.  The nobility did similar to peasants.
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In the next dream I seemed to stumble through life.  Visiting family, travelling, doing some work including with a chainsaw.  As well, parachuting... if I had to have the parachute thrown to me out of the plane.  How do you forget a parachute?  The main problem is that I was naked.  I just couldn't find clothes.

The majority of the dream was seeking clothes.  I wasn't ashamed, mostly just annoyed.  Finally, visiting my mom, hoping she had some of my clothes, she had a stack of clean clothes, underwear, socks, jeans, a shirt or two, all of it, freshly cleaned, ready to go.
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There was a short dream between those.  I was sure I would remember that one.  Nope!
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Still not feeling well this morning.  I can't say what is wrong.  Sometimes it feels like the flu, sometimes it feels like I was a seal pup on fur gathering day, sometimes both.  And I haven't even really waken enough to sort things out yet.  Fresh tea is going.  A handful of aspirin will be going down as well.  Later.

Keto bread.

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No nap, or work, not even a shower.  Yet?  But lunch, with an add, bread.

Actually I ended up trying two recipes.  The first one might have worked, but I forgot a main ingredient.  I didn't realize my mistake, so went looking for a better recipe.  To be honest, I am glad I bungled the first recipe.  The next one just seemed better.  I went without cheese or spices other than onion and garlic powders and a bit of salt.

Not feeling well.

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Tired, flu type achiness, a mild headache, just not well.  Blood sugar is good.  I still need to take medicine.  I have had a bite to eat, shortly after waking.  I turned the heat up.  And the cats have been tended.  Ducks, then a shower.  Really, not bad.  I have done well.  It just doesn't seem to matter.

I will try to keep working on things.  I may need a nap.  It is such a good day, otherwise.  I just can't seem to get things to work out.  Ducks, the minor dishes, then a nap.  A shower and shave after, then garden hoses up.  They should be clear.  Oh, and then to make room for one vehicle in the garage... probably the car, as that is the only one I can drive for the moment.

Then?  Dishes and the bathroom, if possible.  Later.

A good sleep.

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Still a bit achy.  Whatever you might think, I pushed things early this week.  The costs take time in payment and it comes out of my hide, or deeper.  It was so easy to work though!  I thought maybe, just maybe, I was getting better.  There is still a chance that is true.  Perhaps my body simply needs to get in shape.  Which is a catch 22 itself though.

No worries.  I am hoping to get a shower, maybe a shave, then start a new day... week. A few dishes starting out, fried eggs to start the day, a shower and shave, getting dressed right, then a time for waking as I contemplate the rest of the day.  I could put the last group of dishes in too.  The dishes I am doing are a few meal dishes and pan.  The others need a long hot soak.

I heard the alarm at three.  Turned it off cold.  I went to bed at eighteen hundred, slept through.  Then I realized it is garbage day.  I don't have but a bag of trash, but it should be recycling day too, and that does need to go.  Ever notice, if you attempt a good conscience, you can't sleep through chores?  Some think that can't be true with me.  They just don't understand the obliviousness that can come from living so close to death.  It isn't that I ignore.  It is that I am intellectually unaware or I am physically unable to act... the latter being the worst.  Ignorance really is bliss... unless you eventually become aware.  Being a cripple is a horror of conscience.

So, up at four, a small group of breakfast dishes set, a spot of fresh tea going, plans for a shower after the first fatted coffee, blogging and waking, with a shower and recycling next.  Actually, I will get the trash to the bin... only one bag so it won't go to the curb... then take the recycling to the curb, as I prepare coffee.  Then sit to wake before doing the rest.  Eggs at dawn, feed the cats then as well, then another waking session until eight or nine.  Then getting food and water for the ducks.

Perhaps I could get the bins set up as roosts for the ducks today.  And maybe put the plow on?  Will see.  A few aspirin this morning.  I don't hurt as much as I have, but more work on the way and it is good to manage pain at the start.  I have to reset medicine too.  Always something more to do!  Later.

Cool, not cold.

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It is in the mid forties.  It was 28º when feeding the ducks this morning, very possibly the low for the day, at least so far.  I was surprised one of the hens continues to lay.  A big golden brown egg a day.  Checking water is the real trick, if it doesn't look like they drink much.  Or bath.  Still, I will keep it open to them.

I thawed a few packs of older ground lamb and beef, the last of it.  I added a few eggs, some almond flower, and spices.  Separating the bulk into patties, which were then grilled.  Bland, plain, but food.  I'll slowly eat that with... whatever else I can find.  I added cream cheese to one patty, didn't help.  Truly bland.  I will try to find a way to use it to more flavorful dining.

I also purchased potted meats to try early this summer.  While technically keto, they are difficult to eat.  I have lightly sought recipes in which to use those.  But, really, they are made for slathering on white bread until death from diabetes or cardiac arrest.  Some of the keto flat breads and pitas I put out to dry, with the weather change hitting so fast and hard, became crackers.  I may try adding mayo, possibly mustard, and using the keto crackers as a base.  Highly acidic too, like most instant coffees... I went with lower acid dehydrated coffee, but it doesn't have much caffeine bang.  At least it doesn't feel like I ate glass.  I'll work on potted meats that way.

I am down to... whatever I have and not much of it.  Not a lot of choice.  Can't turn up my nose unless I really can't eat it.  Although I do have to stay away from candy.  Cream is very good, but there is something about liquids that just don't quite make a meal.  I need to work on sauces and gravies.  I have homemade beef broth, and keto flour alternatives, now to find recipes that work for me.  That would cut how much meat would be needed.  Ugh.

Later.

A good start.

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Mostly.  Blood sugar is way off.  But I keep eating poorly.  Then again, I am out of real food and mostly broke.  I need to do some very careful shopping, then watch everything.  Last month I purchased full size candy bars for Halloween.  Yeah.  But I am done.  I have had three, could have been worse.  Fatted drinks and eggs only go just so far.  Meat, at least for me, is required.

The long acting insulin is pretty awful.  I keep waking up too hot.  That is with going to bed with diabetes in check.  Which also means using more fast acting insulin, if in part due to diet.  I don't want to call it off until I get back on keto, get back into ketosis, and remain there for a week or two.  So, shopping, soon.  Cabbage and a few veggies, plus meat and butter.  Ugh.  I'll have to be stingy and careful.  May have to do longer fasts as well, if I can't take insulin while fasting.

I am not sure when I went to bed?  I think 17:00, give or take.  But I woke several times, getting up for a short while at least once.  I was too hot, internally.  I set the alarms for 3:00 and 5:00.  I turned off the 3:00 alarm immediately, but woke at 4:00 and turned off the 5:00 alarm as I woke quickly right then.  Just the way it goes.

It is right at 56º upstairs.  I must admit to being quite comfortable at that.  Humidity dropped, and that 10% to 20% drop is exacerbated by the forty to fifty degree sudden drop in temperature.  I am surprised I am not suffering massive bleeds, nose bleeds.  Daily, mostly, showers might be the cure?  After a day off yesterday, I'll get another shower in today.  Shorter, if they are going to be more regular.  I would like to get to four showers and a bath, as has gone lately.  I just need to exchange one shower for a bath.

Dreamed of having a call with one of two friends still living, last I knew, from the service.  A man I offered advise regarding staying celibate with his woman until after marriage.  It wasn't perfect, but it... was as close as they could get.  My... knowledge was... instrumental.  Further, I am certain, when things (tm) become... complicated... it is good to have alternatives, in marriage.  I taught both of them, hands off of course, much more than school can probably imagine.  There is science and there is art of sex.  Mix, and that is my area.  Life is messy, clean it up?

I won't try to reconnect.  I will just remember, as well as I may.  Praying they are still alive, still together, perhaps by now with grand or great grand kids.  She was a doll and he was one of the good guys.  People I would like to have found a way to emulate.  I hope life hasn't become... complicated, or worse.  Still, a good dream.  I have known a few good folk.  Best to keep some distance.

Good morning.  Later.

Pretty cool for October.

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I've seen frost.  I may have seen these temperatures, it was 21º at the coolest I saw it this morning... it was 24º before dawn.  But I haven't seen such a hard long cold snap so early.  I will be checking on water for the ducks twice a day, as possible.  Even when it gets up to the mid forties during the day... if it does... it doesn't thaw anything.  The ground, I suspect, is getting cold, holding it.

I have already been out, opened the water for them.  May check three times a day sometimes.  The cold doesn't bother them, but no water does.  They do prefer chick feed.  But I am running out of that.  They will just have to eat pellets... like the rest of us.  I'd love to give them their preference, but this month they are eating, I am not.  They are already ahead.

It must be... I don't know... extra cold out there?  A breeze or wind?  The furnace is struggling.  I can feel the strange extra chill.  It's already winter here, now.  I am still hoping for even a short warm spell but...  well hope is what it is, no more.  It is often the currency for the hopeless.

No shower today.  I need a break.  Tomorrow.  So no dishes.  Hmm, though there aren't very many dishes?  So, maybe, if I can wake and warm up!  Ugh.  It would be good to have those clear.  I really have improved a few areas.  I would sure like to do more, and stay ahead.  Turn my cave into a house, then on into a home.  If... I could just wake, and stay awake for long enough.

Later.