Ouch.

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Was having trouble breathing.  Often just bull through that.  Not last night.  Frothy foam, clogging all.  Spitting some out, I could see it was bloody.  Ah, that.  No, not cancer or all.  When I overwork, and am holding onto too much fluid, my heart can't pump well enough, so dumps extra blood directly into the lungs.  Which... makes a foam as I try to breath through it.

So, tired as I was, I got up, looked around for water pills, what's left of them, and took a small lot of them.  Then peed all night.  Only three liters out, but it's a start.  Gotta wear my compression socks religiously, at least for a bit.  As well, I'll take a few more water pills every day for the next three or four days.

But, driving out that much flood, all at once, hurts the body.  The neck, the feet, the ankles, the legs, all feel like they just had a lot of material ripped out of them.  And, well, they have in a way.  They have dropped in volume by as much as a quarter... this time.  I have seen them shrink my as much as half in limited areas.

My friend from church had asked that I come in for a few hours, for their pancake breakfast.  I just couldn't.  Besides being up half the night, fighting getting a clean breath, and the exhaustion and hurt legs elsewise, I was just able to wake at about the time I should have gone in.  

I hadn't planned to make it, but... if...  I had set the alarm for six.  Who knows, perhaps I would have felt better.  But I... fought... to even wake.  Even now I am only out of bed by the Grace of God.  It's a rough one, rougher than yesterday, if the legs aren't the biggest, or only, problem today.  I'll do what I can.  Honestly, if I get a shower?  And eat something?  That might be it.

Even yesterday, I only ate half the soup and a dose of kefir.  Blood sugar was down to 160 by bedtime.  Couldn't even eat.  Weird.  Bah!  Was hoping it would be lower today, for it.  Higher than the trend, by a lot, at 236.  Very strange.  Do water pills cause in issue?  Blood backing into the lungs?  Very... weird.  No, just had water with the pills, so nothing with carbs after that low read.

Well... on to... something.  It stayed 72/70 upstairs, but is 67/69 down here.  It is 62~63 outside, currently, so I have things open.  Very strange that it stayed so warm upstairs.

Well?

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I won't be making it to mass.  No, not being... ornery.  My legs.  Shot.  Not quite noodles, but not up to walking, let alone kneeling and standing for too long.

I really wanted to get to the store, too.  And to see folk.  Not sure I am all that well liked, but... that's not my problem.  I do like to get out, from time to time, and say hello, or even goodbye.

I even wanted to griddle something.  I just... really... can't stand for long.  I had hoped to get to cutting saplings, and maybe branches.  Again, no.  I have been trying to get... something going.  If I take a shower it will only be because I have a shower seat that fits now.  I'll need to sit for some or all of it.

Still not sure what I did to hurt my legs so?  Dishes, and this, and that.  I just don't know.  The whole combination?  And I am still completely battered, worn.  I could push through that, if that was all.  Not sure I'd make it to the store, but I could get to church.  But with the legs too?  Not a chance.  Next week.  It's what I can do.  God knows.  Actually, He really does.  :)  I don't think He needs to forgive excesses of working, several days in advance, to an old body which simply can't always... work.  I'll leave it in His hands though.  I will ask forgiveness, and add it to my list for the confession.  Two weekends in a row, if for different issues.  Ugh.

Mostly sitting.  Not just calves.  The back of my upper legs have bulges.  Odd things, almost knots.  Would, could, knot, with very little usage.  Has.  Not interested in more.  Sitting actually helps.

It got to 77 earlier.  But dropped to 72 last I checked.  I hobbled out to check, as well as to see about the legs.  If I walk in a "v", with feet outward, as if walking uphill?  It's... better.  But not good, or good enough.  It's 71 out there, now.  Strange.  But, okay.

The neighbors mowed, again.  I truly appreciate it.  Not much I can do, either way, today.  I'll see if the mower starts tomorrow.  Or Monday.  And just go over things again.  If so.  Ugh.  

Oh?  One thing about the ps5?  Some games have keyboard and mouse support.  It'll depend, game to game.  But those are such better input devices.  The controller just stinks at precise, quick, aiming.  And, there are things you can do with a keyboard and mouse, especially combined, more so with programmable keys, that you just can't well accomplish with just a controller.  It's why some trophies aren't attainable on consoles.  Part of it.  The other part is that pc games can be hacked.  Which simply, even with these, isn't available.

Curious to see some things.  Though, will be fixing some bugs with the system right from the start.  All is on track to be in at the first of the week.  And, as I have been sorting through little things, while sitting, I have found hardware which will help with some things.  Odd how some tech doesn't age nearly at all, ever.

Just a slow, relatively cool, morning.

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The house is staying between 66 and 69, downstairs and up.  It just hit 75, so I shut almost everything but the front door.  Keeping that open just a crack, closing off the front and back, with a sheet, keeps this up here cooler, oddly.  Something to do with the heat up hear being from the sun on the roof, so having a way for that to circulate out?  Not... exactly sure, but something like that.  There is a limit, but it is still just 69 even right here near the computer.  A bit cool, but... I am enjoying it.

Nothing done, save feeding Sassy, so far.  It's cool.  Difficult to get to things.  And, I wore myself out these last few days.  I am setting up the rest of the month, a bit.

I think I have enough for that late bill.  And, I have paid other bills.  Still going to be tight, but... yeah.  That is because some things were bought that might not have quite yet been needed.  But... it... was time.  At least now that I know how to manage them.

I seriously doubt if I will get to much work today.  Hoping to get a shower, and make it to church.  Hmm, probably need to start early, as I need gasoline.  Still... down to very little.  Haven't filled up, after that last run to Smithfield, getting really low.  

It's a nice day out there, but it will probably warm up fairly heavily.  Not a could, mostly, to be seen... save on the peripheries.  But that can change in a heartbeat and windstorm.

Back to gaming.  I had hoped to get the rider going, and do some chopping, but I really just can't.  Not today.

A dark time, a good time.

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Up a bit late again, if I was up... a bit late playing.  Again.  It's just how it goes, some days.  Nights.  But, I wanted to check the lights, too, that I put up yesterday.  Working.  Though, they only have stupid modes.  I just want them on, and that.  I don't want twinkling, fading in and out, and else.  There seems to be no simple "on" mode.  Oh well.  But, they are working.

My legs hurt, terribly, again today.  Mostly focused on the calves, though really the whole of each leg is a bit tender.  As is my torso, a bit.  Bending, flexing, kneeling, lifting while bending, kneeling, standing.  All good!  I... love it when my body has pain from effort!  I give these, too, to those in purgatory.  Trust me, they are glad for the tiny sup of hope from such.  It is as a light breeze, stuck on a flat ocean during the doldrums of old sailing ships.  Maybe not what was wanted, but a breath of hope that this too shall pass.  Amen.

Nearing bedtime.

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Steak, onions, and mushrooms, with plenty of butter, done just at medium to medium rare.  As close as I can get with just shy of inch steaks.  Very good.  The only thing I can't seem to do is get a proper sear.  I have it on high, the burner.  Just not sure... what the deal is.  Though it was only around 74 outside?  And the altitude.  Things just... aren't the same.  Well, and arid?  Would that make a difference?  I get the doneness just about right (a little rarer would be nice, but I lose a bit of that trying to get a sear).  No real complaint, just seeking that... final touch.

It has already cooled off to 64.  I think 77 was the highest I saw it?  Or was it 74?  I finished eating within the six hour window.  Bacon, eggs, and keto pancakes for brunch, steak for dupper... dipper?  Suner?  Started eating at 13:30, finished by 16:30.  Well within bounds.  Having a vinegar tonic, but that doesn't perturb fasting.  Besides, still in the window anyway.  I have until 19:30, which is a few minutes away.  Fine, I'll hurry that up.

I have everything open, since it is below 70... which is what the coolest part of the house is.  This front room is 74, 75 near the computer.  I am closing off this front room now.  And shutting the windows upstairs as I do the others.  Kept it very nice in here today.  I am learning how to work the house, but the weather is assisting a great deal.  More the weather, but I'm doing my part.  I best open up the upstairs.  Will try to get to bed by 21:00, at the latest.  Am read for sleep, even on a resting day.  Yesterday ate my balls.  Or, like a lady, put them in her purse when I went out for lunch?  :p

What is truly awesome is the upstairs also stayed right at 70/71 (warmer near my bed).  Very interesting.  Even on days with little direct sunlight, that usually warms more.  Very strange.  Other factors involved, this is a very strange year.

Am still hoping to get the window at least partly rigged.  Wood isn't coming until... next week... next weekend?  But... soon.  The window tear-out shouldn't be too difficult.  Building the frame for the window, however, will be a bit tricky.  I have never done such a thing.  Once that is done, getting the ac in, and secured, plus closing it up and insulating that, will be a bigger trick.  I'll... need a hand with that, as well as help when the actual window arrives.  I'll probably order that in a month or two.  Ugh.

The ps4 keeps overheating.  Not sure why.  I think they are trying to burn out ps4's, so people have to buy ps5's.  Yes, they can do that, remotely.  Just have their games use extra resources, all the time.  The ps5's, finally, two years after launch, are finally available for direct, simple, order.  Even the disc ones.  The do hide the non-woke game rig combinations.  But, oh well.  It is off cooling again.

I used the ssd drive only, and it worked fine.  I'm not sure I  am seeing any real speed improvements, in load-up or through gaming.  It's... pretty much the same.  A few seconds off?  Wouldn't notice.  I'm going to see if it's cooled down a bit.  Haven't played as much as I would like today, with downloading so many games, cooking, and a few other things.  But, it is ready for play now.

The ps5 is due to arrive Wednesday.  Perhaps.  It's what they say.  Usually within a day.  A few doodads with it, for it.  And, more next month.  Grips, for the controller, to keep it in hand easier.  A cooling stand.  And something else.  I'll see how well it works.  I have plans for a few extras next month too.  And, I have trick or two for it.  If they hand you lemons, make lemonade.  Check. 

Okay, it was only fifteen games?

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Well, and as many as six to eight dlc's for some games (like Fallout 4), though several others had many.  Most had at least a few.  And it took right at three hours to get them and dlc's on, unpacked, and ready.

But all of the machines were pretty warm.

I had thought the ps4 was heating up, because it was too close too the wall.  Which may have been.  So I moved it down to onto a footstool.  That... didn't solve it.  There may not be enough airflow under the device, now.  Ugh.  So, I am considering how to raise it without destabilizing it.  Always something.

Downloading games.

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With some tinkering, and old projects set aside, plus the hardware which had just been sitting around collecting dust, this morning, I got busy.

I set up an external harddrive, and ssd, to be used for my play station, as the main game depositories and from which they would be run.  Wasn't... exactly... sure what I was doing.  Still am not.  I have both of them hooked up, and am downloading the games I wanted, initially.  Old games.  But games I liked to play and wouldn't mind revisiting, from time to time.

I am amazed at how fast they are being downloaded.  Not just games, but a lot of dlc content... bought at free.  More, it is pulling three games down at a time!  Wow.  The longest "game" was actually three games, at 85 gb, it took around an hour?  But, as mentioned, that was a trilogy of relatively modern games, and probably each game was bigger than almost any other single game.  So, that's... not fair.

Masculinity.

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What it is, what women think it is or want it to be, what men want it to be?  It... is what it is.  I have been thinking about it, as I have been... doing guy things lately.

Sure, gaming.  But... even a girl can game.  Mostly.  No, it was in fixing my rig, adding components inside and out, and planning to do more.  Not just... or even... making it mine, but improving it as a tool.  Last night I tore it down, partly.  Adjusted the hard drive, looked up material on what I was doing, and what the problem might be, and came across more material proving pertinent to the project at hand.  Even... implementing it.  Through a wall of data that was nearly incomprehensively large and complex.

I realized, as I was doing that, a bit about manhood.  And... why women can't raise men.  Not on their own.  They can get us through potty training, past weening from bottle or better breast, teach us to talk, communicate, and do all sorts of early stage adjusting.  But, once we are past being boys, a woman... hasn't a clue.

Oh, ouch.

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The legs, they hurt.  Between bending, flexing, kneeling, and walking yesterday, plus encouraging a lot of water out of them, they are achy, bitchy.  Not to the noodle stage, but it wouldn't take much to get them there.  So, today is more of a light day.  A load of laundry, if there is that.  Perhaps some sweeping, in prep for mopping tomorrow?  Bathroom, hallways, kitchen?

Else?  A shower a bit later?  Not a whole lot else.  I don't want to be completely idle, but I will have limits today, too.

Some sort of dehydration neck pains.  If you have ever had those, knowingly, you know exactly what I am talking about.  It basically hurts along the sinews going up the neck.  More or less, or something like that.  Is it the sinews?  Or the arteries?  I can't say.  I know when doctors used to look at me, my neck, and certain bulges. would be viewed on it, or the lack of them.  Having to do, I think, with the water pills?  I thought so.

Just... a bit more to me.

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The tools arrived, security drivers, mini ones.  And, I got to it at once.  They weren't needed where I thought they would be.  But they were needed in the more critical place.  I pulled the hard drive, and put it back.  I then went online, to look up what to do about a dead hard drive.

While looking over all the technicals, of what to do and how to do it, I saw a way to put the hard drive in safe mode.  A... back door, to reset things.  I tried that, and it worked, the machine is back.  I am not sure if I needed to pull, and reseat, the hard drive or if just starting it in safe mode would have been enough.  Either way, I learned some things, and fixed it... without breaking it in new or different ways.  Not... bad.

I then had to play.  I have been missing gaming.  Sure got a lot done today.  But am absolutely bushed, my legs are killing me, muscles in the weirdest places hurt, tense, sore generally, and happy about it.  Not... bad.  Not bad at all.  But it is 22:47 and I am absolutely crashing.  It's down to 63, outside, already.  Should be cool enough for sleeping.

Heck of a day.

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Got a lot done.  All the dishes which were set up have been run through, dried, air dried, and I think they have all been put up.  I only have a few more loads, maybe tomorrow.  The shower was good, and dried off well enough to put on compression socks.  My feet were brutal.  Getting the socks on, then socks over those, then boots over all?  Was one of the more painful things I have done in a while.  But had to get out.

No one was in the meat department.  But, one of the young ladies up front helped me out.  Beautiful.  I got salad, and some fresh oil.  Needed to get cultured buttercream, but that didn't work out.  Forgot.  I'll make a pint of mayo tomorrow.  And, perhaps if I can make it to church Saturday, I'll pick up buttercream.  Make some creme fraiche with that.  Best to make that in smaller lots, and use it quickly I have found.  It doesn't go bad, but it does fail texturally.  A week, for that, tops.  Mayo lasts a bit longer, if you add kefir... which I do.  Nothing helps the creme fraiche.  It just doesn't hold together for more than a few days to a week.

Beside all the work earlier, and the shower, plus the drive to town and bringing home the... t-bones, when I got home I wasn't finished.  I had to go through the freezer and remove a lot of stuff.  Ice packs, frozen water bottles for when I had rabbits, and some things which were just too old.  Four typical sized kitchen trash bags, by size.  But had to use contractor bags.  The regular kitchen bags wouldn't have held up.  And they weighed a ton... it seemed.

A very good day.

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Not done, mind you.  But nearly.  After opening and clearing the drain, and cleaning up that whole area, save the floor and under the sink... if that is on the way... I got on to other things.  At least, with under the sink, I was smart enough to remove everything.  Ugh.  Nasty.  The mess would have been much worse.  I pretty much threw away everything involved or contaminated by the sludge gunk.

Then I cleaned myself up.  With the gloves, it was more a feeling thing, than a real need.  But clean I did.  Hands, arms, and, yes, that... felt much better.  I also set up the diffuser, plus had the windows open as late as possible.  Leaving the front door open until just a bit later.  Fresh air, after such a task, is a Godgift.

After that, on to dishes.  Everything got a fresh wash.  That which was ready was hand dried and put out to air dry.  All the silverware, the first batch of big and smaller jars, soup bowls which had been languishing but came remarkably clean for having had cheese used in the soups. Very good.  I got all but the most resent set of jars, and a few pots, cleaned, rinsed, dried, and set out to air dry.

In frustration...

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Not sure what to do, I finished clearing the freezertop.  Then cleaning it.  I did the dishes, all put back in the tub after the first cleaning.  Adding several more jars... from the emptied bad kefir to the bad mayo to the emptied kombucha jug, into a new wash bit of it's own.  So as not to contaminate the most clean dishes otherwise.  Though there was no room anyway.

Frustrated.  Not sure what to do.  So, I... decided to remove the elbow.  The blockage could have been there.  Doubtful, but who ever knows.  As I was removing the trap, part of the piping connected to the sink came undone, and spilled exactly where I didn't have anything to catch it.  I caught it quickly, and shut that back off.  Oh well.  Then I went back to removing the u-trap.  To my surprise, it was the trap.

A start.

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I hit dishes, dug right in.  Everything got at least a first wash.  Some had been washed well already.  Then I moved things out.  Deciding what to do next, with those, and else.

With those sort of at least out of the way, I went looking for a bucket for under the sink.  To catch the nasty water.  The trash can I meant to use, a small bathroom one, didn't fit as planned.  A five gallon bucket, while just as tall, wasn't as wide, so did fit.  I double bagged that and put it under where I was going to open it up.  

Putting gloves on first, I opened up the pipe.  Some fluid came out.  I had let it evaporate so there was little in the sink.  More because I wasn't able to get to it sooner.  Then I went looking for the pipe snake.  My friend, last time he was helping me, brought one.  But it broke.  I had one, so we used mine.

Dropped just a bit.

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From 52, to 50, now finally to 49.  Not much of a drop.  Enough of one that, with a few fans working, the house can be cooled a bit.  As well, it went from mostly partly cloudy to partly cloudy, and may be clear by sun climbing just a bit?  Or... not.  It's been strange around here, these days.  Sort of strange, that the temps held so warm until pretty much right before dawn.  Which is partly why sleep sucked last night.  It was 70, up there, near me.  And... humid, I think.

Brushing my teeth regularly, if just twice instead of three times a day.  For what it matter.  Even with the ketosis hits, I think I just pop back into ketosis before blood sugar would suggest it.  Usually ketosis tracks with blood sugar, say a day to week behind, depending on how well I do.  However, if I have been in really solid ketosis for a while, a little... or huge... or multiple but short term... mistakes either won't kick me fully out of ketosis, or I will get right back to it.

How do I know?  Breath.  Keto breath.  Look it up.  So, yes.  I either didn't get kicked out, or am already back to it.  Eating less, eating mostly meat, eating within an intermittent fasting window, it all adds up to a strong ketosis and a very strong rebound, return, should I fall out for a bit.  The thing about popping in and out, or hovering near ketosis, is that I never quite fully escape the keto 'flu' issues.

Awake, a bit early.

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What time did I go to bed?  19:00?  21:00?  I would guess closer to the latter.  Up at 3:30.  I had to fight to stay in bed for the last hour.  Just couldn't keep to it.  An alarm, on the stove, set.  I'll feed Sassy at around five.  Water for the french press is heating.  Probably hot enough.  I... am blogging, and a bit tired... for not being able to sleep longer?  Bleh.

It is 52 outside.  With windows open and fans going, it is 68~69 in here.  So... yes, summer is kicking off.  I am never ready for it.  But it is a softer start than even the last few years.  Both later, and easier, so far.  But the days are getting to the 80s.  And, possibly, with more heat to come, sooner or later.  Probably sooner.  I can't complain.

Will I anyway?  Not really.  I just realize I am... in some sort of trouble.  When the cool is too cool, moderate isn't "enough", and heat is too hot?  The... problem isn't the weather.  It's me, or my health.  I am in some sort of funk, again.  Worse than before?  As I have mentioned, I doubt that it is worse, it is more that I am more aware?  Right.

At a time, I could simply sleep through these bad periods.  Did sleep, for nearly months at a time.  Waking every few weeks to even as little as once a month, in order to feed.  I probably woke more often, to pee, and drink.  But, really, sleeping for days straight wasn't at all unusual.  And, often, I wouldn't remember getting up.  So don't know just how long I could, or did, sleep at a time.

And, even more recently, while I stopped being able to sleep through the rough patches, I did... forget.  I was aware, within small bubbles of time and space.  I would remember a day, while in it, mostly.  But my memory couldn't count, or account, for other days or weeks or months in the series.

Now?  For good or ill, I am aware that I am not functioning.  Oh, but... no pain?  Very... strange.  Well, other than the heart being squeezed like an overripe plum in the hands of one with an iron grip.  But, that has been how things have been for decades.  Nothing new there.  What is new is that my kidneys, liver, and other organs, aren't feeling they are on the verge of failure.  Not sure if medicine was causing that, or if the medicine fixed something enough that that doesn't happen anymore.  I simply don't know.  Though... I don't think medicine will ever fix anything.

At the very least, in these times, medicine doesn't seem meant to be a cure.  Heck, I think most are aimed at either causing eventual death... after the proper amount of milking of the victim... or will cause other issues, which can also be "treated".  Which combined will lead to death.  Then again?  Everything, in this timeline, leads to death.  I'm just not sure if medicine is meant to extend, or diminish, that line.  If I would guess you have to be wealthy as Jagger, or the ten heart replacement Rothchild, or Henry Kissinger type of rich to be kept alive at all costs.

Then again?  While I don't want to be put down, I also don't want to try to live forever.  My guess is, those people have something to... fear... hereafter.  And they damned well know it.  Can't be sure, but it seems that atheists, and a few other various sorts, terribly fear the grave.

As with many things, I simply want the... econo path, not the end path, not the reaching for forever path.  Then again, I suppose I have it.  The only good medicine, for the poor, today, is no medicine.  Or... almost none.  I... have some things, for some things.  I pick and choose from what is available myself.  It's... what remains to me.

The medical that was available, until the mask mandate, wanted me to be involved with an audio townhall type meeting?  No, they don't treat me anymore.  We don't really have any association.  They are woke, and still on "teh stupid" of covid.  No, we don't have anything to discuss.  I have learned that every time I talk to these cocksuckers, I get in some sort of trouble.  So I won't even mention their name, these days.  Just... no.  I won't talk to them, either.  Privately, publicly, on the phone, in a paper form.  They track, store, and either ignore, or attack, any who don't like what they are doing.  I... have no time or reason to be involved with them.  Though, from the sound of it, participation rates have plummeted, so now they want us back.  But won't change why we don't go.  I'm... not the only one.

Today?  Dishes, the drain?  Maybe, with the game out of commission, for the moment at least, and being brought up to some speed by gaming, maybe I can get some work done?  While I am doing better, it has only been to the level of gaming... not really working... recently.  I really am in a ditch, sort of gasping for air.  I'll see.

Oh, when I dropped the ps4?  I dropped it on my foot, big toe.  I was sure it would bleed like a pig stuck, but, no.  It did shove some skin, but didn't cut?  Very odd.  Or, more, shove cuticle material.  And, it hurt at the moment.  I was sure, this morning, I'd have a tom thumb of a big toe... swollen, black, etc.  Nope.  It... is fine.  Doesn't hurt, isn't swollen, and never bled.  Very... odd.  God seems to love fools.

Oh, and blood sugar came down to a reasonable number, after two kombuchas yesterday, and the very high numbers I was getting.  I still feel hot, in part I think from the sugars of that still coursing through my veins.  I'm telling you, sugar and it's like is as addictive as any narcotic, it just isn't as lethally toxic as quickly.

Oddly, blood sugar is lower this morning than the last three mornings!  Not great, at 228, but better than the days after sweet corn, and much lower than a few hours after drinking (the first bottle) of kombucha.  Just meet, today, mostly.  And through the week.  On to the morning.

No kombucha.

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I just went ahead and finished off the other bottle.  The stuff is extremely hard on my blood sugar.  It went from 185 to 246?  That was a double ferment, given extra time both in the first and second fermentation.  No, that just won't work.  It was tasty, but it is pretty much just soda.  Argue as you like, if you have diabetes, stay away or take your health issues.  Too bad, sounded interesting.  Not everything pans out.

While tinkering with the ps4, I dropped it.  Rare, that I do such things.  But, so it went.  Now it won't connect to the harddrive, which either means it undongled, or it died.  I'm waiting on tools to find out.  Can't buy new ps4s, so it would have to be a ps5.  Must admit, the games out pretty much suck.  But, I do have games that where... being offered on ps4 because they botched the ps5 output so badly.  Those games will go straight on up to ps5.  And, some ps4 games are straight up forward compatible.  Some, but not all?  I'll... find out shortly.  Not an expenditure I was looking forward toward, but... perhaps it will work out.  It would be a better gaming rig... for a while.

I looked for my own tools.  Can't find them.  Having to borrow those.  So, I won't even have the tools until tomorrow, around bedtime.  So I won't know about the old machine until... Friday?  At best.  Ugh.  So things go.

I'll have steak.  That'll be good.  No cod, but from some places, it just isn't worth it.

The temp outdoors is being weird.  It dropped from 80 to 66, then rose a degree.  Doesn't seem much, but... it's... odd.  I checked again, just now, and hour after it rose to 67.  It's... still 67.  It cleared off, mostly.  Just 30% overcast?  Or so.  Down form 90% plus, when it was 80.  Ha.  Funny things, these, sometimes.  Should be cool enough for sleeping, with a fan, or two, going.  Trying to use minimum electric.  I'll keep a fan or two going downstairs as well.

I thought about having another can of kippers.  But, after last night?  No!  No, I think not.  I am hungry.  Hmm, perhaps some that beef, I had thought a whole roast?  Sure.  That, and maybe some peas, or some other veggie?  Let the veggies steam the beef as they heat?  Sounds good.  And a vinegar tonic, to try to handle the kombucha.  Too bad about that, it was... sort of fun.  Hippies don't get it right all the time, probably not often.  But... it's not about that, for them?  Meh, okay.

On to... something.  Ah, food.

While looking through the flier...

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I get them sent to my email.  Well, the store which will do it.  The other one?  I have signed up a few times, still no flier.  Flier?  Flyer?  Flyer.  Anyway...  While looking in it, I saw wild caught cod, for $9.99?  Crazy, right?  But, then, t-bone, also for $9.99?  Absolutely crazy.  But, I'll take it.  So I ordered a decent amount of each.  And, with the in-store card, given in lieu of direct cash repayment, for eighteen pounds of good stuff, I will pay less than $100 of my precious, and rarified, coin.  Chaching.  

Yes, I... am eating, mostly, just meat these days.  And, so far, it is easier.  Plus, it isn't just pork.  Burned out on pork a bit ago.  May... try to add some back in, and chicken too.  I'll look over chicken thighs, and drummies, while there.  Hmm... should see what I have in the freezer first.  I hadn't been eating fish, because wild caught was just so... expensive!  Hmm, I didn't check where it was from.  If from China, you... don't get what is advertised.  Ackh.  Let me call and check.

Up at about 4:30.

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Nothing fancy.  Ended up going to be a bit earlier, a bit before 19:00.  Which... was a good thing.  Electricity went out and there was little draw or pull to do anything else.

It got up to 80, ~27 C, again, yesterday.  Two days in a row.  Not a bad thing, this time of year.  And, so far, that doesn't feel too horrible.  But, in the afternoon, we had a windstorm drive through.  Dropped the temp to 68 in very short order.  Just a little reprieve though.  As shortly after, I believe the temp again climbed back to 80, but then started falling almost as soon as it got warmed again.  A weird day.

It is 51 this morning.  Though it may yet drop a few or a lot of degrees.  I'll check in an hour or two.  Usually truly is the coldest right before dawn.  Not always, but... what... 60 to 70 percent of the time?  Something like that, at least here.  Birds are really singing out there.

About to sleep.

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Almost twenty hundred.  Hoping it is cool enough upstairs.  It got to 80 outside, if is still now only 75 near the computer, more like 72 to 73 elsewhere.  It was down to 75 and hour ago, outside.

I finally remembered and tried some of the corn on the cob I put up.  It was just in too long.  I suppose one could eat it.  I did eat it.  But, I would have to be rather desperate to eat it.  Oh well.  I'll try it, again, this year.  Though, hopefully, will parboil it, before freezing it.  Then, eating it through the winter.

Failures will either get you to quit of something, or improve.  I am hoping to improve.  How long did it take me to get kefir right?  A long, darned, time.  Whether I have secured a future in it is another thing.  Two of my fermenting kefir jars are smelling... off.  So I will be exchanging those out, and pulling frozen kefir grains from previously, to restart them.  I'll have to purchase storebought milk to do so, but... okay.  One of them is still good, so I will use that one.  Though, perhaps, if there is enough grain mass in that one, I might be able to start two jars from it.  Will... have to see.

Awake at a good time.

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Not sure how long I can keep this newfound schedule.  Something is just really off.  I know, I get that way.  But this time seems different?  Or, as has been happening more often these days, I am more aware that things are off?  More awake, to see the failure, somehow?  I can't be sure, but... it could go either way.

The latter issue might be a better thing.  While it is terrible to realize you have failed, it is better to realize you have failed, than to just blithely blunder through it, without a clue.  I mean, I knew, but usually after I had returned to some level of health.  Months would go by, and I would have no idea that time had been lost until I was again able to be aware of time, days, months, and such.

Up at about 4:30.  Or, out of bed and downstairs by then.  I was mostly awake by about four.  I just... enjoyed a rare mellow morning.  Not out of need, or want.  Sleep was fantastic last night.  I forgot my watch downstairs on the charger base.  I knew it, but by the time I was up there, settled in, and realized it, I had no interest or ability to drag my body down the stairs.  I couldn't even sit up, which was my first impulse.  I was... done, for the day.  But, I don't need the watch and algorithms to tell me I had a very good sleep.

Noon?

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Time can sure fly.  Partly cloudy out there.  Clouds look like their gathering for a lynching.  Not happy, and about to pour about it.  It is hitting 68, and feels... warm.  Humid out there, or something?  Very cool, still, here in the house.  It's just 71 near the computer, but doesn't feel close to that warm, not as warm as the outside, today.  Odd how things work, and that relative, in sensation may be true, but has little to do with mere perceptions?  Right, right.

Kefir, to start the thing.  Hoping to get a few burgers fried before long.  Nothing fancy, but it works.  Or eggs and something?  Hopefully both, through the day.  Is it Tuesday, or Wednesday already.  I'll... check in a bit.  If I can stay awake.  Focus.  Lost out here.  I need to get to town.  Will try, today, grocery shopping.  Just... a bit.

I cleared the litter box, for Sassy.  I may start up another one.  I have been slow to clear them, and she... has creative ways of letting me know.  With two, if she would use the second one when I fail, life could be good.  I almost never miss enough that two would become full first.  I think I missed two days, and... got what I got this last time.  Three days?  Probably three.

A rather good sleep.

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Sure, it was broken... with that waking problem.  If I only dreamed I wrote about it, I woke up at some time, was up for a few hours, had to cool down... and deal with some minor gastrointestinal... flux?  I think from the kombucha.  Though I had pizza, but pizza has never done that.  If too, I have been eating nearly pure ketavore (carnivore heavy keto).  For weeks, maybe months now?  Though, I still think it was the kombucha.  Blood sugar is rather high this morning.  And, while pizza has done that?  A once in a great while meal of it usually doesn't.  

I'm pegging this to the kombucha too.  Will give it one more try, in the raw, in a few days.  But, too, will try the second ferment version of it.  I'll get that set up today.  The bottles were filled with 160 plus degree water, and sealed.  After being cleaned and rinsed.  That should have them as clean as they will get.  Maybe kombucha just isn't for me.

It is 44 out there.  It was pretty warm, when I woke, last night.  It was 70 or 72 near me.  But that dropped to 66 through the night, 64?  65... and 63 in the rest of the upstairs.  Strangely cool.  Usually that requires colder temps outside, and/or a storm coming through.  Odd.  Very strange, as indoors, downstairs, it is 65 to 66, back to front.  What is stranger is that I feel so warm even so.  Kombucha... it just must do... something strange to my system.  Still, trying it again in a few days.  Then in a another few days to week, as the second ferment finishes.

Uhrm, that didn't work.

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I finally believed the kombucha was ready.  I set up a second batch of sweet tea, to be used for the next batch, transferred the scoby, then had a sip.  The rest is to be second fermented using frozen fruit.  I wanted to clean and sterilize a few pop top bottles, so got that going.  They are ready, but I haven't gotten to the bottling quite yet.

As mentioned, I had a sample of the kombucha.  I think it boosted blood sugar by forty five points?  Or was something else involved?  I'll try again, tomorrow.  My fasting blood sugar was 180, an hour after the kombucha it was 225.  Unless I ate or drank something else?  I don't think so, but so tired.  I... can't remember.  I need to try a pure sample, on a clear run.  If that is correct, I can't use first run kombucha.

I gave it a very long ferment period.  Of course, there is always the possibility that a second ferment might work.  Don't know.  But, something felt off, after drinking it.  I am sure there was no alcohol left.  Had it turned more to a vinegar?  There is supposed to be a fine line between the alcoholic period, the drinkable period, and the vinegar period.

Not a bad day.

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It's past noon.  I'm holding off eating until I find out whether a pal will be by.  Checking now.  He... might have gotten in a bit of a mess.  Or... not.  He is finding out.  Should have found out by now?  I just sent a brief text, checking in.  Yes, it happens.  I think he was innocent, but he... may push things?  Not that I would know anything about such.

It was just 66 about an hour ago.

Nice, in several ways.

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Not perfect, not always what is wanted, hoped for, expected.  But... nice.

Sleep, in the main. I didn't get as much as hoped, under six hours.  I couldn't go to bed earlier, if it was before 19:00.  And I couldn't stay in bed, waking, and getting up, at one.  No choice.  I could tell.  But, my sleep measure counted last night as even a better sleep than yesterday night, at 73.  It might only be a C, on a typical grading scale.  But compared to deep F territory as the norm, it's... excellent.

Yes, I actually know what it was.  Since it has been warmer, I have been sleeping with only one blanket.  I remade my bed, after not doing that for two weeks?  I was just so shot, and lost in things, that I forgot.  But, last night (a few days late, as I prefer to do that on Thursday, though on through to Saturday?  Actually, I got the right day... had thought it was Monday?  Bleh.  Still sleepy.

Nearing bedtime.

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Cool, all day, mostly.  It's just 63 out there, currently.  Mostly cloudy all day as well.  But no rain.  Strange.  Probably a good thing.

On an interesting note, with all the rain and even snow melt that is still coming down?  My reverse osmosis system has a water impurity check, for both what I put in and what comes out (not terribly accurate, but... offers trends).  Water, here, for the last few years, even with water softening, has often read the input water, from the tap, in the 350 range, sometimes as low as the 220s.  Now it is reading particles in the low 80s.  So, yes, the water... extra water... is doing interesting things.

I did get two loads of laundry washed.  The last is drying.  Can't really put things out on the clothes line.  Far too high a chance of it being rained on.  So, I'll just use the dryer for now.  As well, I did find the half gallon jars, and got those washed.  I kept thinking they were in twelve packs.  Nope, six packs.

Still, between washing up the quart jars and the half gallon jars... actually some quart jars yesterday as well, I am ready to change out all of the jars, that haven't been changed recently, with regards kefir.  As well, I'll be able to set up another kombucha jar, though that one will be a scoby hotel.

As tired as I am, I did those few bits of work.  Trying for more, but... just can't.  I also made it through the part of the game I was stuck on.  Just.  But, now I can move on.  Lost a lot of time to that.  But... it's a first run.  And on the hardest difficulty.

The card I have with Amazon accepted the payment quickly this month.  The last few months they were taking days, up to a week, to accept payments.  This time, it only took a day?  So I was able to buy this month's list.  Cat food, sardines, compression socks I want to try, and one smaller size of another form which is working well for me.  I'm not sure I am ready for that size, but maybe.  Will find out.  I have gone from xxl, as I have mentioned, down to a large.  And, I may be ready for a medium.  Maybe.

So very tired.  But, it is just at 18:00.  I'd like to stay up just a bit later.  But probably won't.  Still, this is a good time.  I don't mind this time.  I just want the clothes in the dryer to be finished.  Then I'll go to bed.

Did I mention?  My mother called, when she got home.  Which... surprised me, for two reasons.  One, I... didn't expect a call for about six days.  Perhaps I lost track, or she didn't understand that she would be leaving as soon as she had suggested the time we talked before this last time.  The other was, I didn't expect a call just when she got home (technically the next day, but she got in after midnight, so that didn't count).  I... was a bit impressed.  Sometimes I sense she really doesn't like me.  So... a bit surprised.  All good though.

Hoping to do a bit more work tomorrow.  A shower first thing, with nothing in the way.  And a clogged sink.  Probably turning the kefir over, as well.  I will strain everything, into clean jars.  Big and little.  As well, I'll begin seeing about getting a couple of plywood sheets, and see if I need 2x4s as well.  Get that arranged.  As soon as those arrive, I will see about tearing out the old window.  Yeah.

So very tired.

A really good night of sleep.

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My watch, through the program and algorithms, suggests my sleep was poor, at 66.  What it doesn't count is, since I have been wearing the device, my average sleep score has been about 40.  Whether too short of a sleep, too little deep cycles, or rem, or waking up too often, or for too long.  Always some problems.

I haven't figured out how to improve things.  Hopefully, if I can sleep more regularly, and longer, this will improve.  Though getting exercise may help too.  At 66, last night is among the top scores I have gotten for sleep.  Now, to keep that going and improve on it.  Food is as good as I can get it, fluid intake too.  Exercise could be useful, but that will throw my sleep cycles off.  It... just will.  And add exhaustion to exhaustion.

It was 68 near me, upstairs, and 66 in the room generally.  Rather surprised.  It was 50 outside, so... not a really cold one.  Strange.  Overcast, completely, or was when I woke.  No rain had fallen through the night though.  Or it would still be visible.  Some yesterday, but just spots and spits, and I think just in one short period of time.  And, downstairs, it was 66 to 68.

Nearly 13:00.

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Doing well.  A bit dark out there?  Yes and no.  It seemed darker earlier, but it... changes, often.  Now it is mostly clear, but there is a haze.  It has the feel of fall, but of course isn't.  Smog?  Or just... humidity build up?  Or... something else?  Fires somewhere, the smoke ending up here?  Not sure.

Beef and beans, this morning.  Made hot.  Nothing fancy, hot as in spicy.  I... miss hot food when I haven't had it for a while.  I don't even turn red, eating carolina reaper sprinkles, with cayenne for a side flavor profile.  Love that stuff.  I need it a few times a week, really.  Oh, once in a while I will get a runny nose.  But I think that is more from the pepper, or the dust of the spices when I add them.

Bills!  I didn't realize it was already the first until... well... until I did.  My mother called me this morning.  She is home, and happily.  Oh, she had a wonderful visit.  Maybe her last.  I hope not.  But... time, she passes.  And takes things with it.  Even so, I don't worry about that.

Leaning too hard doesn't work.

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Leaning into changing my schedule, or anything really, doesn't work.  So I was just hanging on to my meager gains.  For nearly a week, I seemed stuck at going to bed around 14:00~15:00, if waking a bit later every few days.  Needed the extra sleep, as initially I was only getting about six hours of sleep.  Had to make up for that, well, and needed more sleep.

Yesterday I was able to stay awake until nearly 17:00, perhaps ten minutes off.  Then, as well, was able to sleep until ten to one.  When pushing time, I don't seem to be able to get enough sleep.  Eight hours doesn't seem bad, but often I really need more like ten to twelve.  Which... is how I lose time. and my schedule gets off.

If I could tell, one night from another, whether I would need more or less sleep, I could attempt to alter my bedtime, make it earlier.  But I just never know.  And, it isn't really a choice.  Though, sometimes, I just can't sleep earlier.  Trapped in a body that does as it will, in spite of wisdom or will or anything else.  And, I can't blame it... it is alive well past the grave it should be in.  It does every bit as well as it can.  Imagine driving a car which shouldn't still work.  Can you hate it when it won't start on a winter day, or coughs and sputters on it's merry way to the junk yard, never being allowed to die and go there though?  I can't hate the animal part of me.  It has been as faithful as an old hound, more so.  Endured much, and still... tries.

Cool, as seems the norm.

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It got down to 46 this morning, as the sun was coming up.  A moist day, so extra cool for the temperature.  Some suggest we have enough water.  I'm... not so sure.  Ten to one, by this time next year, even with normal rainfall, they'll say we are back in a drought.  And, they may spill all the water just to make sure we are in dire straights.

People think California, Illinois, and New York are awful states, with terrible bureaucrats.  The truth is, there isn't a good state, with truly good bureaucrats.  All bureaucrats, at this point, believe they know what is right.  And, if killing a lot of people, one way or another, is necessary to prove that, or for their cause, they'll do it.  You and I are not important.  Their plans, goals, and such, trump our very lives.  In almost every state.  Some states have more limits on their bureaucrats, or simply fewer of them.  No state has good bureaucrats.

So, if they have, by state or national regions, or both, decided to dump water, cause a drought, and else like it?  They'll do it.  They forced, or tried to force, you to take the jab.  And many of you did.  I wonder how many of them found a different way?  Saline replacements, friendly doctors who realize some have to go but bureaucrats are above that?  As I have it, many in congress and the senate, and their staffers, outright didn't take it, and were on ivermectin.  You see, they aren't governed, literally, by the same laws we are.

Difficutly getting enough sleep.

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Still struggling with the schedule.  Having to push to make it to fourteen hundred.  Made it to fifteen hundred thirty today, and one other time, in the last five days is it?  Six?  Otherwise, 14:00 or half after has been my usual max.  Brutal to stay up longer when so very tired.

As well, sleeping longer takes just as much effort.  Though tonight I did better, making it to nearly 23:00.  The rest of the nights have been generally improving, starting with waking around 20:00, then a few 21:00s, then 22:00s, and tonight almost reaching 23:00.  So very difficult.

The place is warming, with or without warm weather.  It was 72, near me... 68 otherwise upstairs.  The downstairs is 70~71.  I figured I had left the furnace on.  I checked outdoors, 56 currently, though that will drop five to fifteen degrees yet, maybe.  Probably.  So I opened the windows and went to turn off the furnace.  It... was off.  It is staying 70ish degrees without any assist.  Which... is good.  But it also marks that summer is... beginning to arrive.  Always a fearful thing for me.

I do have the big ac, for downstairs, and the ac's for upstairs.  I just need to tear out that old window and put the ac in as a temporary wall mounted type of unit.  The only thing I really need is masonry screws, for the casement around the window.  And shims.  Oh, and waterproof wrap.  For the underparts of the lower part of the window.  Well, that's the idea.  Nothing is as easy as most people think.  Do it poorly, you end up doing it twice, and maybe redoing the whole thing, full cost.  Choices.

I made excellent soup yesterday.  Wasn't up to other cooking, so...  I started with a can of soup, added a can of corn and peas.  Spiced it with tarragon, cayenne, black fresh ground pepper, and carolina reaper pepper flecks.  Then, I took the fattest remnant of a roast, diced it, and tossed it in.  Adding an equal part of water to what the soup was in.  That fed me well for the whole of yesterday.  I doubt if there were five hundred calories.  The good, and bad, of soup... depending on where you stand on things.  Oh, she had some tang to her, I'll say that.  I love some bite, once in a while.  Didn't quite overdo it, but got right to the line.  Delicious.

I finished the game, first play through.  Missed a lot.  Playing through again.  I need to figure out what passes through to a new game plus, because it looks like, when you change difficulties is a single weapon?  Maybe it is types of weapons?  I don't know, I'll look before I finish.  I also want to figure out a few collectibles, and finish all the side tasks, in this run through.  Perhaps and learn to pick up speed by learn where to go, what I have to fight and what I can possibly run through, and such.

Resident Evil games are notoriously difficult.  Unless you are almost a cult player, and even then, getting their higher ratings and ranks is pretty much impossible.  Even their devotees, few of them get anywhere close.  I must assume, when seeing someone wearing the items earned from it, they were either given special codes/game types with the items in it.  Or they are the devs, playing around with their own stuff.  Programmers couldn't play to save their asses, most of them.  Certainly not paid "reviewers".

So, I don't expect much.  Still, I'd like to get a few things into the kit, which might make higher rankings possible.  The one thing for certain, if you want the better arms and such, you have to play multiple times, study how to cut time corners, and learn a few things on your own that only experience can achieve.  But, you won't get most of the toys.  And, yes... the game cheats to make it so most can't get there.  It just does.  If you are doing well, it will increase the damage mobs can take, and deal out.  And change subtle things.  You have to be connected to go far.  It's the simple truth.  But, take it for what it is, and play it or don't.

Still, play I do.  I just realize I can't get far.  If I can reach even an A scale in the game (goes from nothing, then C, B, A, and S ratings, based on time to finish and what is used in the game).  I think the hardest one requires a completion in under five and an half hours, with no special weapons, and such.  Not possible for regular players, less so on consoles.  You need a computer, and to be able to tweak the program running the game, and the easier methods of play a computer allows.  Or, receive a special copy of the game.  That's... my opinion anyway.

Hmm, making coffee, and will begin playing... in order to wake up.  But I am hoping to get a shower taken, then set up and do dishes.  I cleared and washed the freezer top yesterday.  Put the countertop r.o. back, but that leaves enough room for dishes otherwise.  So... yea.

I'd also like to make some burgers today.  Smash burgers really are my favorite.  Though, sometime, when I am feeling up to a longer cook, I'd like to try my hand at a thick burger, half pounders, done medium.  I love rare burger, I just don't trust it... like pork.

I am waiting a bit.  When I woke, I heard thunder.  Haven't heard a hint of rain since, but want to give it some time.  Need to play to wake a bit more, as well.  And can shower and set up dishes first, or during, or after... depending on my read of things through the night.  Coffee!

A young lady, at the register, was saying how she loved the smell of coffee, as people bought it and brought it through.  Most likely being Mormon, she doesn't drink coffee.  And, at her age, I would hope she didn't in either case.  I should have told her, coffee doesn't taste anywhere near as good as it smells.  It tastes more like dirty water.  To be honest.  If it weren't for caffeine, as with women and lady parts, no man would imbibe.  :p  God can be a tricky bastard, I'll grant Him that... uhrm... with... great reverence and respect, don't ever think otherwise from me.

Well, on to gaming.  And coffee.  Unfortunately, no... lady parts around.  :p

I didn't get to sleep.

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Couldn't.  Just... wasn't ready, able, to sleep.  I did get the trash out, and to the curb.  But... now realize they won't be picking it up today.  I try.

Would love to sleep now, and for the last hour or two.  But, now.  I will stay awake until 14:00 or later if possible.  Almost an hour and a quarter to go.

Oh, while I was sitting here, I remerged to call my mom again.  This time we got to talk a bit.  Just wanted to check in.  Her flight went well.  She will be heading home in a few days.  She sounds tired, but that is to be expected.  Look, she is 80, took a flight, had to be wheeled everywhere, had a graduation to go to, and perhaps a party for another of the girls' graduation.  Plus just... being taken around and doing things for a week.  She's rather an impressive old girl.

Just good to hear that she was... well.  Always a bit worried.  I keep teasing her that I am staying around to see her pass before me.  But I won't ask her to hurry up, if I would... like to head out before too awfully long.  :p  At the way things are going, I may have to just... let go before then though.  Rough, these last few weeks... months.  It's been a while since I could even stand for long.

I'd like something more to eat.  Not sure I will have it.  Will see.

Down at 14:00.

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But, up at 20:00.  For a bit.  The plan is to get back down before too long.  Midnight, as a rough goal.  For more a nap, until I can get things more securely back around to days.  Sleep was fantastic.  Dreams, I'll discuss those in a bit.  Some dreams... bother me... in very strange ways.  This was among those, but at least not of war.  Though, at least those are comfortable, comforting, in... strange ways.  Familiarity?  At the very least in the dream world, yes.  And who the good and bad guys are is... very simple, as the world has become black and white.  At least for the chess pieces.  The cunts running the show, a whole different thing, but for the pieces, it is simple.

I'll have kefir(s) and vinegar tonic(s) as I am awake.  Maybe sardines if I really feel the bite of hunger.  Odd how it bites us right back.  Can never truly satisfy, without killing one's self.  But, for tonight, just a bit.  The kefir is turning a bit quicker, with the house being kept at 70.  Warmer is, oddly, uncomfortable.  But then, wearing compression socks keeps the body warmer sum total, by a lot.  I fear the summer, and those.  Fear worse potentially not being able to wear them as often.

Without them, my legs will not only sag, and expand, but there are forms of bruises, which form under the skin.  If that pooling goes bad, a leg can be lost in short order.  Or a life, without even incompetent medical care.  It's a spooky condition.  Surprised that hasn't gotten me yet.  After the last time I scraped my leg, and it almost didn't heal, I sorted out food (to my ability), compression socks, and anything else I could do.  That is terrifying.  But... the things I am doing have truly helped... just... to figure out how to keep it cool enough in the summer to continue wearing them, even if in shorter spans of time, as well.

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Noon, and just 50 F.

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Outside.  I turned the furnace, to at least keep it 70.  Which... means I didn't sleep last night.  Well, that was part of it.  Was playing my new game, comfortably.  Warm, that is.  For the first time in a while, I hadn't shut off the furnace by night.  Which means I didn't notice how late it had gotten.  So I just stayed up all night.  And, will stay up into the early afternoon.

I had a kidney out, thawed.  Time isn't gentle to those cuts of meat, so I had to cook it.  It turned out well, and I enjoyed it.  I would never have believed I would like kidney.  It's quite a treat, these days.  Seriously.  Better even than liver.  But you can't tell people that.

Initially, there is a bit of an odor, and taste, that is... suspicious?  But, once you try it a few times, it doesn't kill you, and else?  It... just becomes another cut of meat.  Not even exotic, to me, at this point.  As with liver.  Actually, liver... beef liver... is much stronger, stouter, than kidneys.  I'd say kidneys taste like the mildest liver you have tasted.  Maybe even lamb or chicken liver?  Maybe.

Hmm, I think I failed to pull meat out for the week.  I'll have to do that before going to bed.  A couple pounds of burger, maybe two packs?  A pork roast and chicken liver, while I am thinking about it.  With organ meats, save kidneys as I don't think they'd work well this way?  I simply bake them in the over for... twenty to thirty minutes, then grill them.  I'll do that with the liver, too.  Onion will go down first, in butter.  Then when those are nearly done, to my liking, I'll add the liver.  And more butter.  I won't be trying to sear the liver, just give it a gentle finish... in butter.

I called my mother this morning.  She is visiting my brother, and his family.  One of his girls is graduating with her master?  Or ph. d.?  Something.  His other daughter is graduating from high school.  She did answer, but is preparing a meal... or planning that.  She'll call back later.  Maybe.  If she does, maybe I'll be awake, maybe not.  No worries, mind you.  They have a busy thing there.  If you aren't in their face, they could easily be forgiven forgetting about everyone else.

Just to hear her voice, know she is okay, and sounding pretty good, was enough.  I'm not... all that fussy.  We will talk... when... we talk.  I'll hear things.  What happened, good and bad, and such.  As I said, now that I know she got there, is healthy and doing things, and sounded good other than all the barking?  All good.

Fifty?  I can't believe it.  And so much rain.  I do believe they are adding snow to the higher elevations.  How much?  Hard to tell.  But it is... a goodly lot by the look of things.  Some peaks had nearly lost their white crowns.  Now they are back.  That's... a lot of snow.  I may go up and read a bit, as I get in and get comfortably.

Oh!  But after pulling meat for the week.  Yes indeed.

A bit rough.

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Just, from the day, the week, the last several weeks, spring?  I have been getting to church.  Missed this week, broke.  Still...  I am pushing through, trying.  Doing well?  As good as can be hoped.  Again, this week, my "intensity minutes are at 1400 and change, where the stated goal is 150 "intensity minutes", and the week isn't quite over.  I have been doing between eleven to twelve times the wanted (essentially workout minutes) the previous two weeks.  Tired.  Always tired.

Cooking gizzards tonight.  In the oven for a bit, then I'll grill them crispy, or crisper.  This will be, I think, my first try at griddling gizzards?  I think so.  A potato with it.  Yes, keto, carnivore even, just not perfect.  It's what I have.  A twice baked potato, though, too.  Had a second kefir.  Am hoping to figure out how to get kefir to ferment a bit faster.  And added a jar, so I get more when I get some.

Nothing fancy, but life is moving along.  Trying a new game, Resident Evil 4, Remake.  It's... a bit... much.  For the condition I am currently in.  Still, it's something.  Couldn't figure out how to get everything in the other game to work.  I'll give it another chance, in time.  

So tired, truly, today.  Stresses, but to, pushing... even lightly... these last few days.  And... something else.  I have been having troubles for a while now.  Every once in a while, I worry that I am nearing death.  Not... worry, in the common sense.  How about... believe?  Suspect?  It wouldn't take much for my body to tumble, have a stroke or a heart attack.

I have had times I thought I was a lot closer.  And times I am almost sure I crossed over for a bit.  This isn't, I am saying, the worst of things.  There is no medical, who has heard my heart, who understands why I am still alive.  When it is acting up.  It sounds like a heard of bison on the run.  Watch, it won't even by my heart, of permanent other organ failure, that kills me.  It'll be a slip on ice, or a car accident to which I'm not even directly a party.  Just a bystander.  I... won't mind, in whatever fashion it might take, or when.  I'm just enjoying while I can, what I may.  If I'll surrender that for the right reasons.  Possibly even for a wife, if I could find one.  A... right one.  I didn't say I was bright.

Well... back on to the game?  Hmm, I'll wait until after a meal.  Oh, and should go to bed after supper, to be honest.  That's... why things are feeling even worse.  I should have been to bed an hour or two ago.  Ugh.  Oh, and turning the schedule that fast will cause harsh feedback.  The body doesn't like doing full speed 180s.

They made it right.

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There for a bit, it looked like I would have to return the steaks.  Which, I would have done.  The quote was... a mistake.  Not... my mistake, but a difficult cost to absorb.  I... wasn't angry at them.  Nor would I push, or shove.  I merely... would have agreed with what was necessary.

In the end I was given a refund, through a store credit.  Which was very good.  I will just use that for shopping on the first, and put what I had been going to use for shopping against the card.  I had to use a card, and did for the meat.  Worth it to me.

Still, I am... a bit beaten up and hurting, for being up all day yesterday, switching my schedule around in two days, and then being out today.  Hopefully I will be able to rest for a bit.

Had to nap.

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At a quarter to ten, my knees began to buckle, eyes water, and sleep was needed.  The thing is, I couldn't just... nap at will.  Or I would end up sleeping all day.  Both missing getting to the store, and messing up my attempts and getting night and day switched back.  So I set a timer.  Resetting it twice, until I finally am awake at nearly 15:00.

It just started to thunder out there.  Looks like it rained just a very tiny amount, and probably just a bit ago or it would have evaporated already.  It is 60 outside, and 68 inside.  I had the furnace on a bit this morning, to get going.  Then turned it off, and opened up the windows before taking my nap.

A steak and eggs earlier.  Getting better at steak.  Just a tiny bit more tweaking and life should be good, regarding cooking steak.  Odd that it takes longer to cook a thin cut ribeye than a one inch new york strip, but that is what I am finding.  Very odd.  Or, maybe my memories are off?  I'll have to compare again, soon.  Next week.

The good thing about my meat orders, is now I can have either two thin steaks a week, or one bigger one a week (save next week), for some months to come.  It's a bit expensive, but... that is less than a fast food meal.  And, with the thin ribeyes, I get two meals for half of a McDonalds or Wendy's order.  The Five Guys and In-N-Out are even more expensive.  So, there is that.  And, I have completely stopped eating out.  Well, nearly.  I do a social once a month, sometimes twice, or so.

I have to keep the doors locked, anymore, when I am asleep our out.  Getting visitors again.  Though I am worried they have found a way to get in even so?  I can't be sure.  And, even being home is no limit.  I have left the back door unlocked and found it wide open several times this last few weeks.  Gotta batten down the hatches again.  Yes, and some things are missing, again.  Stuff I didn't want stolen.

Now to get a shower, brush me teeth, and get going.  Rain.  Now it is coming down in earnest.  Or at least sounding like it is going to give it a go.  There is started ramping up.  Gotta love rain.  I do, even if we have been getting hit all spring, I... like the sound, and smell, of it.  I could sleep all year if it would rain all year.  Might drown, but I'd be pleasantly asleep until the flood hit.

Not sure about much.

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I didn't get down until right at 20:00.  A few minutes into that hour.  So tired, but had to come down... from getting out, then packing things into and some back out of the suv, loading the freezer, and dealing with the overage of price on the groceries.  I think they did that last time, too.  Different store, but they also overcharged me.  I was just not in the kind of shape to manage it, or notice.

Gotta watch every single thing they do these days.  And, yes, I think they target 'certain' people.  I thought the social score thing was just digital, online.  But, no, I think it has impacted everything.  We are China, now.  Or surely on the way.

I started waking at 1:30.  Stayed in another hour.  It was as much as I could do.  Sleep was better, I'll say that.  Short, but much better.  If you don't set the sleep time correctly, the sleep monitor absolutely sucks.  That doesn't work well.  So I have no real idea how well the sleep was.  It was short, too short.  But, when flipping time, it is what it is.  But, it was a good sleep, as far as feeling rested when waking.  Mostly.

Done, but... not.

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I got in.  First the the bigger town.  Propane.  Two tanks filled.  Wasn't sure one was still good enough, but it was.  Just a bit cranky.  The vet at the shop set it right and filled it without batting an eye.  Now why didn't I think of that?  Because propane makes me nervous.  Two filled, and bought another.  But didn't fill it, not this month.  I expected the fills to cost nearly what I paid total.  Which is why I pushed and bought the extra tank.  Hoping for another this coming, or the month after.

Then I went to my bank, deposited the cash I had... maneuvered from a friend... not cost to either of us.  I just paid bills of his that he was going to pay in cash.  So, I got the cash, if just to put against a card I had paid early.  Anyway, that was put in.  Was hoping cash would show up immediately, in my account.  And it did.  So, when I finished some things upon returning home, I signed in... after checking the account had cleared the deposit... then paid the bill.  Or... what is currently due, and some.

Though, when I got home, I about had a stroke.  The bill seemed really high.  Had been quoted at $9.99 a pound, they charged me $16.15 a pound.  Not... good.  They overcharged a $100, a few bills, and change!  I called.  Not much to do tonight, but they will correct it.  If not, they get the meat back.  Don't care about rules.  I can't afford that much more.  About had a stroke when I realized the problem.

Ah, a pleasant day.

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A storm could brew up in a moment.  But for now it is... mostly pleasant?  It is 70, at 13:35.  So I opened up the place.  I turned the furnace down an hour or two ago?  Something like that.  But, just down to 70.  It is 74 in this front room, near the computer, but that is fine, for now.  I needed some warmth, and the kefir did too.  The kombucha is souring nicely, as well.

I received a few quick notes back, regarding recent short missives.  Advising compression socks, of some sort.  And asking about his cat.  His cat has liver problems, only thirteen, but terminal.  One to three years?  Do they ever know for sure?  It's a tight one.  Nothing to be done for it, but to enjoy your time with them.

He is... did... take my advice.  He has heard this before, but forgot.  Yes, I... do that.  You hear something enough times, eventually you go for it.  Compression socks, delivered today.  Or set to be.  Must be nice to live in some areas.  Though, I think he lives in a larger city.  Not... worth the price of admission.  If there are some perks.  My deliveries take weeks these days.

The plan.

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I was going to have a second meal.  Eggs and corned beef hash, had the thing planned.  The griddle needed cleaned.  Something was off the last few times I was out using it.  The fats were going the wrong way.  But I was too tired, and it was too cold, for me to sort that out.

This morning, I sorted that out.  Got it all working correctly.  And, cleaned up from the problem.  I was about to get it oiled, and ready to go again, after cleaning it well.  I had shut the flames off, while cleaning.  When I tried to reignite the burners, to oil the flattop, it just wouldn't light.  I don't have another tank.  So... that... is the next thing on the list.  I have two to take in.  Refill those, if possible.  Then get a third one?  Sure.  Not sure how long that lasted me.  About a month?  Maybe.  A month a tank?  With almost no cooking inside?

Sure, propane costs.  But so does electricity.  If propane isn't the same, it is cheaper.  My guess, though, is they are rather similar.  If, too, I expect electricity to get more expensive, and more and more.  Though, they will probably price propane similarly, just because they can.  Everything, from now on, with this current government, is a luxury.  Including your very life.  They want you dead, don't mind if they steal all your money on the way to the grave.

Just too cool.

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It is 49 out there, raining off and on and off and on.  It read 68 to 70, in here, with the windows open.  But, with the crossbreeze, it just isn't so.  Kefir simply isn't fermenting.  So... I closed things up and have turned the furnace to 74.  That should get kefir to work.  I'll leave it at that temp until morning.  Then turn it off, open things up, and see... what happens.

I always fear getting the house warm, to have it be a blistering hot day.  So that the heat of the furnace will add to the day, making it brutal in here.  I don't trust the weather, but... decided to check the one I... which seems to fail the least according to my local data.  It looks like there will be some high 70s, possibly an 80 or two, coming up in the ten day forecast.  For... what that is worth.  Though, too, rain... rain, rain, and more rain.  All good.  Not that I trust it, but... this... gives me some added potential to go with the plan, to heat the place at night, and let it cool off in the morning as it heats through the day?  The high tomorrow (today, now) is supposed to be 73, with a low of 48.  I'll find out.

I'll hold off on drinking more kefir?  Yes.  But, too, the next time I reset it, I'll add another jar for fermenting.  Two simply isn't cutting it, with this weird weather.  I'll go with a fatted coffee.  And have some of the roast beef, reheated.  I'll check the mushrooms.  If they are good (enough even), I'll put them in with the roast while it heats.  And some butter.

Massive headache.

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I was only able to stay down until 19:30 or so, with great effort.  I didn't make it to noon.  Ten?  Maybe.  Can't be sure, exactly.  Between nine thirty and ten thirty, if I had to guess.

The headache feels like from lack of oxygen, but my nostrils are clear.  Or did I not roll enough right there at the end, or some point in there.  I suppose it could be that.  Painpills, I'm not messing with that, this morning.  It might well burn off on it's own, or it might linger all day.  It's that sort of headache, and I'm not in the mood to just suffer.

I haven't been wearing compression socks the last few days.  Just... had plans, to shower, which either didn't happen, or when it happened yesterday I... lost track of getting socks on.  And, am paying for it.  Bloat, swelling, and water retention.  Today!  I had hoped to get a shower first thing, but wasn't going to trust myself to do that.  So I put them on.  If I end up showering, I'll just have to remove and refit them, later, after I dry.

No to getting to town.

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I have some slim hope of staying awake to noon.  But dishes?  A few other bits of work?  No.  Not a chance.  Then again, this morning, around dawn, it was 42.  It was 52 about an half hour ago.  Warming, but that was plain cold.  It rained two or three, or five, seven, times last night?  It was on and off all night.

I won't be eating, either.  I did have a kefir.  And am finishing off a vinegar and water.

Blood sugar, if I didn't mention it, dropped a few more points compared to my first blood test after the meal.  Just one point that first time, and five point drop this time.  The number is 191, blood sugar that is.  Weird, but okay.  It looks like my system is trying to function.  There are just, currently, limits.  But it is trying, as I try.  And, blood sugar is below 200, and has been all day.  Always good.  Could it be better?  I... don't know.  Hope to find out, positively, in time.

Good, good.

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Watching what I am doing?  Eating a bit more?  Making sure to have kefir before and vinegar after?  Don't know if some or all, but... blood sugar dropped one point in the hour after eating and finishing the vinegar.  I will check in another hour.  It may well not drop a bit, even go up a bit.  Will see.

I ate a bit of roast.  This time I weighed it.  A bit under nine ounces, but I'm calling it 9 ounces, rounding up.  It was actually difficult to eat that much?  Strange.  But, yes, it was a bit of work to get that down.  I had kefir before, and vinegar in water after.  Nothing fancy.

The last load of laundry is dried, and folded.  I'll put it away before too long.  As well, I need to put the rest of the roast away.  Bagged in big ziploc and into the fridge.  I am hoping to have a few eggs and two sausages as well, before too long.  Or... not.  But more kefir, and another vinegar mix after that.  I'll test blood sugar in another hour.  Then, test it one more time before going to bed.  Trying to figure out what the problem is.

Moving along.

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On the good side, I can keep the windows open and get fresh air.  Loverly, that.  And, so I do.  It is staying around 70 in here.  Well... perhaps a little shy.  But 71 near the computer... while it is on.  I would rather have the fresh air, than more warmth, at the moment.  Especially since it is at nearly 70.  Though I must admit, this seems... cool.  Cold sometimes.  Humidity, indoors, if it just rained, is 46.  It's the low humidity that makes 70 feel so cool, cold.  All good, fresh air is wonderful.

Laundry was put through.  That's it for a while.  Whites last, in the dryer.  A shower in a bit.  I was late to getting food started, not putting that in until about 24:30?  It is just about done, a chuck roast.  I'll cook it to 135.  I'll eat the trims, first.  While the center is rare, when heated, that will get more done.  Oh, I should have a kefir while that finishes.  And set up a vinegar tonic for after the meal.

Hoping it stops raining, or even sprinkling, so I can do a few eggs and sausages yet this evening.  Trying to push more food down the throat.  Odd, but my system works better when I eat more.  I lose weight more consistently, and blood sugar is usually lower (if more keto/carnivore helps with that).

Twenty hundred.

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I pushed it, to stay down.  Difficult.  Started waking around 18:30 or so.  Maybe earlier, but that is when I looked at the time.  Definitely earlier.  Tried to just stay down.  Did just stay down.  Difficult to do, but want to push days and nights around again.

I did finish the two loads.  Was hoping bad weather would move on, so that when I did the whites I could hang them out.  Nope.  Weather is... here, for a while possibly?  I have heard the possibility of this being a rainy summer.  El Nino?  If it is a larger one than usual, maybe.  Will find out.  The weather is still wet, so I will simply have to use the dryer.

I am trying to begin eating more.  Last night I had bacon and eggs, then a steak.  Oh, and some pork chops.  I need to eat.  May gain, temporarily, as I feed up again.  But I don't think I will be able to land back on my feet without beefing up just a bit.  Blood sugar is high, again, 222 fasting?  I have been eating right, just not... right.  You have to eat enough, and I haven't been.  So, my body takes anything I through at it and turns it into insulin.  Starve the beast, it will take over and just do what it wants.

Hungry.

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Not... in a physical way?  It was knowing I needed to eat.  And, after eating a bit, realizing I needed more.  I haven't been eating much.  Too little, to be honest.  Too cold to keep up, pay attention.  Now, I can go with little food, for extended periods.  But that will further degrade my metabolism.

Starving doesn't help me lose weight.  It hinders that.  Though, it wasn't just the inability to cook, or be awake, or else.  Sometimes, often, I simply couldn't get food down.  The opposite of being hungry.  No interest.  Even now, while hungry, I had to push to eat.  And, I couldn't eat much.  But, I did have two meals.  And, well within the intermediate fasting windows.

I feel better for it.  I'll finish my coffee, then have a vinegar tonic.  I had one earlier.  They have zero carbs, or even calories.  So I don't mind using them fasting, just won't every day.  Those can be a bit... heavy... to drink on an empty stomach.  It is fermented alcohol, mind you.

Gaming, even with a headache.

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Usually headaches happen when waking.  Then dissipate one their own, as I wake.  This time, the headache developed while I was waking, then gaming.  I'll take a few pills for that.  It might help, might not.

A bit of kefir, plus kefir reset.  I was rather low.  All three jugs were at half or less.  I was sure I hadn't eaten much.  I honestly wonder if someone has started eating that.  When you obtain a taste for it?  It's addictive.  Though, too, I have been really running behind.  The cool weather, the darkness, sleeping in the heat of the day, all of it adds up.  Maybe I just lost track?

I have been trying to get my friend to consider keto, or even carnivore.  He suggests that getting on keto, and keeping up on ketosis, is probably beyond his ability.  Then suggests he isn't keeping up on the diet he is currently trying.  I'll tell you, and him?  That... is the truth of diets.  You can only do your best.  Perfection isn't possible.  And, even if perfection was possible?  It... wouldn't necessarily work perfectly.

Very good.

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A bit of business, first thing, actually.  I needed to see if my utilities were due.  I would have had to figured out a way to pay them, if so.  I have cash, but that is for another debt coming due.  Worried about overdue charges, and transfer fees, and else.  But, it looks like everything has been paid, nothing is due until next month.  So, I can put some money in the account, then pay off the other debt.

This has been a... complicated month.  I... pushed my finances.  But felt I needed to do so.  And, to my thinking, I did.  Still, trying to run this loop through that strap, put this dollar here, and that one there, and make it all work somehow has been a real trick.  Even so, I did it.  Mostly.

As things stand, I can get enough in my account to pay the bill, and have fifty in there, so as to not get a charge for too low of a balance, unless that happens no matter what?  Ugh.

Up and doing better?

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I called my mother this morning, as I got into bed.  A wild guess as to whether she would, or could, answer.  It worked this morning.  She was on her way to the airport.  She is a bird and a half, flying at her age.  Oh, not mocking her, pleased with her... will.  The granddaughters of her fellow are driving her to the airport, were.  We are in the sticks, so to get to the airport can be as long as some shorter flights.  Funny that.

I had to tell her I didn't send cards, but will.  With just $2 in the account, money for graduations isn't possible.  I... was expecting her to be a bit angry.  But, really, she wasn't... didn't seem so.  Disappointed, I am sure, but she kept that out of the conversation.

It is already storming, tonight.  It had gotten up to 75 upstairs, but the fans had made that tolerable.  It is in the low 70s downstairs.  But that will cool quickly once I open the windows.  I may have to see about moving the griddle to where I can cook on it when it rains.  Cooking outdoors just makes life more pleasant in the summer.  Even in the winter, to be honest.  If you can get enough heat, and can handle outdoor cooking.

Eggs and bacon?

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Looked cloudy out.  Dark, hard to be sure.  Had to step away from the house and light.  Yep.  Still, it usually doesn't rain at night.  Usually.  So, I got the griddle warming, went in to arrange things, and then it hit.  Pretty much just drenched... everything.  A heavy rain.  I turned the griddle off and got to making soup.

Soup is so... soupy!  Bleh.  So, I added peas, corn, beans, and sausage.  Then, added cheese to the final product, and creme fraiche.  That... was pretty good.  And, I was careful to be sure the sausage was done.  Oh, added mushrooms as well.  I also spiced it what I would consider gently.  You might be able to eat it, but you probably wouldn't want to eat it?  I like it really hot, so for me, a gentle burn is hotter than anything you have probably even smelled.

With all the adds, I couldn't eat the whole pot of soup.  I have more, for later.  Very pleased with that.  Filling, too.  I added nearly a (bigger) soup can of water.  But then I drain the veggies.  That water is too salty.  So, it was a good lot of food.  More, when I can.  Though I may skip the creme fraiche this time.  I will add cheese though.  Nice.

A friend and I are writing again.  He is in sort of rough shape now.  Covid got him working at home, alone.  He lost track of things.  And, has put on a lot of weight.  We used to debate things.  And, I... caused him some minor forms of grief.  He wasn't sure if I was truly griefing him, or if my beliefs are... difficult.  I can't always say.  I... only ask that you suffer with gratitude.  Literally.  I do ask that your life be forfeit to what is right.  Not... what you think is right.  But, too, I have... notions, about women, the world, politics, and religion that I am surprised haven't gotten me shot... yet.

Just crawled out.

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Sleep was okay.  A bit warm?  A bit.  But sleep was mostly pretty good.  Save... I have things on my mind.  Business.  I will see if I can manage that tonight.  Two or three things eating my psychic lunch.

Mother called, but I was asleep.  Probably to let me know she got home?  Or... ask why I didn't do something I said I would do.  Didn't realize I didn't have any money.  So... yeah.  I'll call her soon.

Being texted by someone who seems interested in the home.  I am all but certain I can't get what I would need out of it.  So, it's... just an exercise in futility.  Still, if they would offer cost, minus reasonable upgrade costs, sure.  I'm not interested in just handing it away.  I didn't "earn" the equity in it, but, too, I did stay, and pay, and it is what it is.  

I have a duty to the value of the home and my interests.  I'm not going to let them flip it for $100k, and possibly more.  If they can earn $20k or $30k, in a few weeks, or even $50k with the drought of availability?  Great.  Just not at my complete expense.  But, as I mentioned, they aren't going to offer what I need, and what is right.  They are, currently, just looking for people who lost their job and have no choice other than to lose all equity.  It just wouldn't pay for me to let it go $100k short of actual value.

It was 74 near me, 73 otherwise, upstairs.  Down here it is 68 to 71 up front here.  I was sure it would be warm out.  But, pulling the bins from the street, it wasn't?  So I had to go check.  It is, or was, only 71 then.  I am guessing it was much warmer earlier, but a storm... or storm makings... pulled up and in.  It's cooling quickly, or did?

Well?  On to... something.  If I can.  Still rather tired.  The weird weather, and the heat.  I just can't win this year.  But, that's okay.  No one wins this game, here and now.

As dark as life may seem?

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Daydreams, today.  So deep, so dark?  So be it.

I don't know where they come from.  I don't know, always, how to manage them.  Can barely stand, and yet I dream ferociously.  Yea.  But... there is good.

Stay to the end.  Or... just skip to the end.

Cooled off well.

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It's only 23:09, and it has already dropped to 54.  I opened a few of the windows downstairs.  I'll have to shut it up if I go to bed... well... at any time I would be going to bed.  Trying to get some of that cool in, stored.  It is to 72 up here in this front room, more like 68 in the rest of the downstairs.  Upstairs is probably cooler.  And, with a few windows open, it'll cool more.

Hopefully the cool air will cause me to sleep a bit earlier.  I have been gaming.  But I gotta say, this game is... dull.  You can add excitement, but to the point where that too becomes dull.  If you perpetually die it is worse than dull.  Figuring out how to survive, with almost no real time to manage food, water, and health items, while fending off impossible opponents initially, and having to pay attention to sounds for snakes and other things?  It's... a bit too much.  That isn't exciting, it... too... is dull.

Not sure this game is going to work out.  I'll play a bit more.  Mostly, currently, just learning how to make and do things.  But there is an nearly impossible number of things to do, especially when playing the harder difficulties.  If you like playing games which pretty much just lead to death, without any real... gains?  Nothing but trying?  I don't know.

As mentioned, I am a doubting Thomas.  It's how I do.  Sometimes things work out anyway.  And, doubting doesn't keep me from trying.  Failing?  Should have been dead thirty years ago, and change.  Either I am perpetually failing, or this is the best failing one can do?  Given the givens, most people, including me, would have attempted to end this gig.

As mentioned, half a cup of draino, a twelve gauge, six months supply of various psychotropics... two different sets and times, and a number of other things.  What was the last serious attempt?  I think it was the shotgun, in... 1993.  It's... been a while.  First, I just started going in, when things got dark.  Then I quit meds, which improved things a ton.  Then... God called, and... we... wrestled, negotiated, and I... went His way, as well as I could.  Can.

Hmm... Supper.  Soup.

It got up to 84 today.

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A bit higher?  Maybe.  But it is already down to 77, or was abut forty five minutes ago.  Strange that the temp is dropping so quickly.  Then again, that is the warmest I have seen in this year so far.  Perhaps the world, literally the earth, is still cool.  It seems to eat the heat, for now.  Until, in time, perhaps, it will radiate heat after the sun has gone to sleep?

It was 73 upstairs, when I woke.  I think it was right at 15:00, when I woke up, that I checked the temp outside.  It was 84 then, give or take a degree.  Downstairs it has remained between 69 and 71, save in this front room, near the computer.  But even here it is only 73.  I had the windows shut down here, but open upstairs, with two fans going.  Just one when I went to bed, another for the last few hours of sleep.  Needed just a bit more air, and sleep.

I did figure out how to sleep better.  Covering my eyes, with a cap.  Yes, that is the trick, if I must sleep during the day.  Days and nights have completely flipped.  I am now going to bed  about when I had been getting up.  I can try to work things around.  Not sure if it is possible.  If not, may have to go to an early or late mass on Sunday.

Bedtime.

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I just had to try a few more things, to get through the roadblock in the game.  And, to that end, I succeeded.  The plan was to get through, then go on to bed, early.  Earlier.  I... got lost, in exploring.  No real direct plan, if a few ideas of what I wanted to do next.  As it turns out, I have done what I know how to do.  Everything from here on is... an unknown.  

I tried to figure out where to go.  As, I actually do know what I am supposed to do.  The problem is, I am not seeing any sort of path, or means of creating or developing a path, to where the 'toon is supposed to go.  I'll figure it out next time.

I will sleep as long as I need, "tonight".  I have been pushing sleep, or wakefulness, or failing to sleep well, lately.  I... need sleep!  So tired my eyes hurt.  My body is sore.  Things just aren't comfortable.  But... so it goes.  I'm still not sure why I am not dead.  It doesn't make sense.

Sorting life.

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I have a new game.  It's... not my favorite, but is something different.  Then again, I haven't been playing games for... many months.  After getting all the trophies for the trilogy I had been playing, a got a bit into Cyberpunk, but just wasn't... able to keep going.  I wasn't feeling it.

I have just been drifting on the web, for... three months?  Couldn't get back to gaming.  I found a survivor game that seemed okay.  It's... mushy.  But, I haven't gotten into the actual game yet.  There is a skippable tutorial, then a mid-length setup, which is like the tutorial, only potentially lethal (probably).  And, what you find will carry into the rest of the game (I think).  I haven't made it through, though close.

What I have come to realize is, when you get to the end, resting is lethal.  I thought it might be wise to rest up, before pushing through.  That doesn't work.  As well, I am trying to collect some of the things which help with the game.  Collecting too many things, it seems.

Then again, just figuring things out to that point has cost me many 'toon lives.  Though I have only had the game since yesterday, and played only, perhaps, a few hours.  I have been looking for hints and tips.  Most aren't very good.  They assume you know things... that... you don't really know.  They don't really help.  By the time you get to most people's tips, you already know how to do that.  What you don't know, and need to know, they don't spot you.