So very difficult.

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My body simply hurts.  Twisting, turning, drinking, eating, fasting.  I'm trying many things, nothing seems to work.  Medicine is ongoing.  Everything I can think to do is being done... within my powers.  Imagine being a candle, and having the oxygen slowly being eaten.  Eventually the flame will die.  I just don't know when, or how.  Not sure what is wrong.

As mentioned, the cells of my body seem to be burning, as if seeking oxygen.  If you have ever played sports, you know that feeling.  Only, I am not exercising.  I can barely stand much of the time.  Oddly, with fasting and mostly keto, my vision has improved.  As has thinking.  I did try a few candy bars, to see if... even if not good in the long run, if they might helps something else.  Nope.  No difference, in any way, that I can tell.

Generally, though, I have been eating keto.  My main problem is I can't eat enough.  If too, it feels like too much.  Even with the candy bars, I haven't eaten a thousand calories today.  Possibly not a thousand between yesterday and today.  I have an odd sense of being too full most of the time.  Well, and little interest in food, and less ability to do much in getting food ready to eat.

Oh, and so many songs flooding back, and posts.  Yea, I think some get it.  Or, at least they can follow the old and new lines of thought.  Not sure anyone believes in anything.  Who can ever tell.  Not only have I see stretches of the recent thought lines, but too, I have seen signatures of some of the people who have, or used to, visit.  Who knows the truth of any of it... but... I, for one, think so.

Something has brought many of them back.  For a moment, or longer, who knows.  Or... just created an echo in the nether.  A lot of them.  I... may post, if, when, I wake next.  Goodnight, and day.  My days are crazy.  Sleeping for hours or something, waking when I can, or need to, or have no choice.  Awake until it's bedtime next.  I think I am having two to three days a... day.  Rough.  While I used to have much worse, with weeks and months down at a time, I... didn't remember.  This is as that, almost, only... I do remember.

The... thing.

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Someone saw... something.  And linked to a song.

Just standing is difficult.

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It's not just leg strength, it is air.  I can't seem to get enough.  I had thought, after yesterday, I would be doing better.  Vision is, mostly, better.  Everything else has become difficult again.  As difficult?  Maybe.  I would more say air and muscle seem slightly better by part, but worse in whole.  I am having a lot of trouble just standing.

Oxygen should be good enough, but it really isn't.  The reading says it is good.  I checked again, it is at 96.  Checked twice.  I just went down for a bit, but then is back to where it started.  I'll check every one in a while, see if it drops, and how far, from time to time.  Perhaps I really am different enough so that "good readings" just really aren't good, for me.

A shower, if I can get to it.  I did feed the girls.  Twice, now, I think.  Ugh.  I'll see about food, when I can.  I have meat which should be thawed.  Brats, a cornish game hen, and... some other stuff should be thawed.  Maybe just oven roasting.  It's the easiest way to cook, leaving me on my feet for the shortest times.  I have sauerkraut in there.  Perhaps something else?  Not hungry, but honestly know I need to eat.  Not sure keeping it down would be easy though.  I should be able to keep it very keto.

I have a few things I really want to do.  Just maybe I may be able to do some things.  I am, as well, beginning to try to gain more control of hunger and thirst.  I suppose I could drink most of my hunger away.  I probably have been.  But that may be part of why I am so week.  You really do have to take in food, enough of it, to have energy to burn.  I really may be starving.  Even when I was eating candy bars, I was only eating 500 to 800 calories a day.  Nauseous from that, actually.  Hated eating those, but it was... something to eat.  As well, the calories weren't good burning calories.  I'm not sure they really provided much... like wood which burns very quickly... you end up going through it fast, and while it seems hot, it's really, over time and volume, cold.

Well, and even since I went back to keto, I am eating far too little... in the 500 range.  So, yeah.  I need to figure out how to eat more.  Feeling better, in a lot of ways, but starving.  Drinking more water won't help, even if I don't feel like getting up and cooking.  I better figure out how to get more calories, as much fat and more protein.  Carbs truly aren't needed.  If vitamins and minerals that come with some vegetable carbs really are needed.  I can take vitamins and minerals, but eating them seems to be the best... unless, like potassium, I need a dose which isn't possible to eat, because of other medicines I take causing a massive imbalance.

Yes, food.  I will... try to sort out getting more food!  I am almost certain that is what is wrong.  My cells are trying to burn what just doesn't exist.  Something, quickly.  Cheese and ham, I think, and a fatted coffee.  But, then, figure out something for a few hours on, and set the timer to cook it...  Two... three hours.  Gotta have some food, and gotta eat up a bit.

Once I get food to a point where my body begins to work, then I can begin intermittent fasting again... just eating when I actually need food.  Not want, not thirsty, but need.  I really think eating just because it is a time is part of my problem.  I noticed that in one of the videos.  I have... wrestled with that a few times.  I think she may be right.  Whether I eat once or thrice a day should depend on felt need.  Though, sometimes, that will mean eating even when I may not feel hungry, but know I should be.

Tricky damned process.  With the business, or health issues, or whatnot, we seem to have begun ignoring our natural signals.  I am on the machine, too often, when eating.  I am trying to learn hot to listen while hot, though.  Maybe will work.  But having to cook, clean, process, buy, transport, and else... all the food... while ill on top of it, makes this a tricky widget.  Still, I am going to begin trying.

Now for a bite, and sip.  Later.

I know when I woke up.

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I woke up, in any case, at 21:21.  I dreamed all night.  Well, not all night.  Just off and on all night?  The first portion, which was the majority of the night, I dreamed I was one of, say, seven different pagan gods.  Poseidon, Athena, Mars, and others... arriving as one, then after finishing, changing to another, just just among the set, no new ones.  I would be called into an arena.  Some... thing... was waiting... to do battle.  And we battled.  Not always easily, but I would best this demon?  Yes, I think so.

I, personally, think most pagan gods are devils... the children of demons.  Though... there are... other things among such.

Through two thirds of the night, I dreamed of being called to battle.  Winning.  Leaving to rest only to be called back, in one form or another.  It was tiring, but nowhere near as wearying as the main dream yesterday.  I woke up to pee, often, as well.  By the number of times I woke to do that, I would have thought the three liter would be full.  It was only half full, when I finally woke.  Very strange.

For the last part of the night, I found myself in bed, having sex with, the women who turned me on the most... out of the many.  Not always the prettiest women.  Some women are pretty, some are sexy, and very few are both.  If, in truth, they all, mostly, are good enough.  At least if they are fertile and mostly reasonable.

I have bedded women most men only dream of.  I laugh at those men.  I suppose everyone needs a dream.  But, truth is, they really are all mostly the same.  And those dream women are, quite often, women I would rather have never known.  I guess I would like to have never know how... disappointing... a lot of the prettiest, sexiest, women are.  I think they were only with me because I didn't... care?  Because I wasn't impressed, moved, obsessed.

I was with any of them for the natural draw.  But... so what.  I didn't, often, remember why I seemed not to care.  I had lost the one I... I won't even say I loved her.  Well, or not until I lost her.  I lost the one I was going to... be with.  I didn't think much better of her, but I was going to be with her.  Until the choice was gone.  After that, I just... didn't care.  Other than the natural draw, I wasn't going to offer more.  And if she got too rough around the edges, I would be gone.

Usually never got the chance to part.  Travel, my job, life situations...  I became a ghost.  Even family lost track.  Anyway, I dreamed of having sex with a few of them, maybe thirty?  Not even half.  And, I was inured to it.  Whatever.  Strange that I would still be a bit... unmoved by some terribly beautiful and sexy women.  I actually liked some of them, as people.  But as lovers... whatever.  Odd...

Very tired, at waking.  My body is back to being exhausted.  Getting a breath is difficult, my heart hurts a bit.  I did have a bite to eat.  I did get caught back up on medicine, very roughly.  I did just a bit of work.  I got plenty of sleep, if dreams are ripping up my sleep, and peeing all night.

I don't know.  I will keep at it.  As able.  Vision is going tunnel again.  Lack of air?  Some organ failures?  Oh, I got the oxygen tester... it was 96% as I was waking, pulse (I think) is running between 106 and 100 now, and BI (whatever that is) is running between 7.6 waking and 5.6 now, all seem to have slid lower since waking.  Later.

Not perfect.

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Better.  Definitely better.  Pain is much less than what it has been.  Fewer areas hurt.  Currently it is just the neck, as if I had a cold or the flu... it hurts like that.  The pain is mild.  I actually think it is from excessive hydration, so I took a few extra water pills.  The strange thing is, the pain from excessive hydration is similar to that of dehydration.  The pain is different though.  With dehydration, it feels like a strip inside the throat is sticking to another part.  With excessive hydration, that same area (for me) feels bloated.  Both, often, feel dry.  So knowing, exactly, which one it is, and so how to treat it, is a bit tricky.  I am almost sure it is excessive hydration, this time, though.  I have been drinking a lot more than usual these last few days... lost track.  Was drinking instead of eating, because the foods (I thought) available, were just candy bars.  I found out, tonight, that was wrong.  Eating now, but also suffering from excesses water in there.  Hopefully a day, and food, and extra waterpills today and "tomorrow", will solve that.

I do feel better from having eaten.  I have been enjoying figuring out food for the next few days, and probable for the longer stretch.  Some meats have been put out to thaw, if not exactly the ones I have hoped to get out.  Which, actually, might be fine... mostly.  

I want the chops, and burger.  I just don't have the energy to get into the freezer.  I will need to move boxes, and clean dishes.  I just can't.  I have done a few more things.  Which is super.  I have been absolutely thrashed, unable to work, for weeks.  I have done a few random or required items, but just through luck.  Brutal.  Horrible.

Actually, the little I have done is more than I have been able to do for weeks, all at once.  Though it wasn't much.  It was something.  I did get some meats out to thaw.  I have some hope to do some cooking tomorrow.  Nothing fancy, packages into the oven, in foil.  Maybe some vegetables?  I'm not sure what is available.  Definitely meat.

I'll have a bit of tea in a short while, and a single sandwich... cheese and deli meat, six or seven slices total.  I want something more, but... this will have to do.  It may be enough to get a shower in, then go on to bed?  If that is possible.  Odd how that works.  Insomnia is what it is.

Still, a goodly bit better than I have been for weeks, months most likely.  Maybe just a short reprieve.  Though there is some hope that it might be the beginning of a better spell.  I hope so, I have some things I really want to do.  Chores, jobs, tasks, better eating, a more controlled bit of drinking the right amounts of water, and personal and business care.  Ugh.  A thousand and one things to do.  If I can just get to it, through the pain, medicine, weather, and whatever else.  Later.  Or goodnight.

Right, some more keto vids.

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This is more than a science, these days.  They really are getting things... sorted.  Disagreements, still, of course.  And, yet, those are easy to check for your own shoe.  One size simply does not fit every foot.  Here are a few videos which really hit the barebone basics, but not mildly.  Some new and some familiar faces.  Enjoy.

I keep looking at lowering carbs.

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The medical field suggests keeping carbs in the 30 to 60 grams, per meal, area.  Which, according to ketosis pros, is way too high.  Keto gurus suggest 30 grams as a maximum, for a whole day.  If with some give for actual size.  Not quite weight, but weight at a specific height.  Which, for me, means somewhere between 45 and 60 grams, perhaps more.

Not perfect.

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Still a bit tired.  Right into the flesh, the lungs, but of mind and will as well.

Getting up and getting into the bathroom wasn't too bad.  I didn't get the shakes.  My muscles didn't begin hurting, tearing even.  Some are a bit sore.  Amazing how little it takes to wear me.  But it wasn't as bad as even yesterday.  My elbows hurt.

I can't be sure I can do much.  But I am going to try to do some work.  Just moving a few packages to where they should go, taking a shower, and perhaps breaking down some boxes.  Oh, and perhaps either getting something to eat or opening into the freezer and pulling out meats to thaw.  The things I want are in the flat freezer, so it will take some work.

Pork chops, chicken, and ground beef... that is what sounds good to me.  If I can get a shower taken, I am hoping to set up some dishes too.  Not, actually, sure anything will happen.  But that I even think of it... a good sign.  Later.

Waking for short bits.

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Sleeping for long spells.  I kept hoping for a better waking.

Dreaming, for a very long time.  In a cave, picking up three things at a time, putting them each into a separate receptacle.  From doing that, I would receive some odd, often useless, item.  It seemed as if that dream went on for many hours.  I would wake, and be grateful the dream was over.  Only to have it return even before I was truly back to sleep.  I could not escape the dream!  

I know I woke several times.  All the way to being able to sit up and drink water.  I started out with two large water bottles up there, as the fan was making sleep much better, but required more water.  I ended up, with just a good sip each time I woke, drinking nearly 60 ounces, or more.  Dream speaking, I think, often.  But not always.  So tired.

Finally, the dreams changed.  I dreamed of getting into the attic so as to remove wasp nests.  Not only did that break the old dream cycle which had become a nightmare of sorts, I think I may, finally, have gotten actual rest in my sleep, after week or months of sleep being shallow and not offering real rest.  Plus, I feel alive.  Even in the dream, I felt... almost good.

I don't know if that will transfer to my wake cycle.  But I am hoping to wrangle a bit of work today.  I still am sore.  Shoulders, neck if just the muscles in them... for now.  Perhaps a bit in the midsection, but not a terrible hurt as has been mostly the case, recently.

For now, though, I will just try to more fully wake just here at the machine.  I have been praying, at bedtime, when I woke for just a sip, and when I would wake in the morning, that God help me get back to work.  I am shaking, often, from exhaustion and pain.  Work just hasn't been possible.  It may or may not be, even yet.  But I think I might be heading that way.

If I can eat, even bad food, that might help.  Doing my best.  Later.

Not really actually awake.

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Thirsty.  Extremely thirsty.  Plus, thought I'd get medicines in.

Now, only taking one water pill a day, for now.  Plus having added 1000 mg of vitamin C, and shortly to add vitamin D, plus magnesium and zinc extras on top of daily multivitamins... we'll see.  If a single water pill holds as reasonable, I will keep at double potassium for another week, then pull that back to once a day again.  It seems complicated, and might be.  But I have been taking medicine carefully, for a rather long time, when I took it.  So, adjustments were agreed upon over two doctors, so that things made... some sense.  I have pushed things, but understood what I was doing, learned the risks over time.

Careful?  As a cowboy.  But not without thought.

I woke up so very thirsty.  I haven't been using the fan, lately.  That will dry me out terribly.  This time I will take a bottle of water, or two, up with me.  So thirsty.  And, with that, will put the fan up on a higher setting... the highest setting.  I love the wind while I sleep.

Back to bed, I think.  I would like to call my mom, but I am so very tired.  Later, goodnight, whatever.

I'm telling you...

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So close to death.  Or it... sure feels it.  Poison?  Illness?  Air problems, getting it in, or it's bad?

Delusions?  Maybe.  If, mostly, just the sensation of death, the feeling of the nearness of it, mostly.  Though, these things do affect thought.  What I see, how I interpret what is seen?  Yes, there are... sensations, sensibilities, visions, dreams.  I do see what... may not be there... or what may be there, but not for most of you.

Not as planned.

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The burger was... dated.  Badly.  Out it goes.  I am not doing well with thawing, then using, meats in time.  Days are going by, food is going bad.  I really wanted to eat something though.  As it turns out, I did have a few packs of frozen burritos and chimichangas.  Heavy on carbs, but not as bad as other options.  Plus, with cheese and sour cream on top, they were a bit better.

It certainly wasn't the best, but it could have been worse.  I keep hoping food will settle things, return energy, or... something.  It just isn't working.  My back hurts, cells burn as if taxed excessively.  Lots of problems, plus general exhaustion.  Life, living, just being awake, hurts.  Feeling like one is dying, all the time, is rough.  I'm not, it seems?  Still hungry, but also feeling full.  It's an odd thing.

I wish I could sort this out.  Taking meds, nearly perfectly.  I am still behind, on medicine.  Trying to push through to catch up.  But I just can't remember what day it is.  Always getting a bit lost.  However, mostly, possibly, within a toss of catching up.  The problem is I keep falling asleep, or simply losing track.  I do what I can.

I have been avoiding pain pills.  I would take them twice daily, if I thought it safe.  Trying to take them no more than every third medicine time... so once every day and an half, or less if possible.  And, keeping the dose down.  It does help, but it might become an issue.  If need be, I will add it to the medicine box, and only every two to two and an half days.  Even that might be excessive, but it might... give me more control and such.  Bleh.  I think I will have one now, anyway.

Later, or good night.

Strangely exceptional, delicious.

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I think I even know why.  Dinner, that is.  Hot fatted coffee and cheddar beef sandwiches.  The trick was to make sure I consumed both, together, and while the coffee was still hot.  Yes, that was the trick.  The cheese was partly melted on the way down and definitely in the stomach.  The meat was warmed, as well, by the draughts of hot coffee and cream.  Plus, in general, my body was warmed through the meal by the piping hot coffee and cream mixture.

So, by the end of the meal, little was left sitting in my stomach.  And, what was, was consumed anyway, rather quickly.  I needed food, but food digested and being moved on down the line, not just sitting there.  It is what I got.  Nowhere, along the line, does it feel like I have calories just clogging up the system.  It is moving through, and being, or has been, broken down.

Not much, 160 calories, give or take twenty in either direction.  Well, more given the quarter cup of cream.  Even so, not many calories.  Further, I think cream might contain a lot of calories, but it doesn't necessarily provide those out.  Doctors and dieticians just have an inhuman, strange, hate of fat... which has little to do with dietary realities.  As children, who see inside spook houses, without truly understanding that the creation and purpose isn't based on what they are seeing.  They fear what they do not understand.

Anyway... still... some food in.  And being broken down and moved along quickly.  Needed, wanted.  Unfortunately, not as helpful as anticipated.  I had hoped it would add energy to the burning muscles and lungs, that it would lift a dying body, even just a bit.  No.  it didn't.  Still absolutely burning, lungs, muscles, else.  Hurting, bones to muscle.  

On the good side, I am not having a sensation of starvation.  And it did offer warmth.  I wondered if grapes and water might help.  But, no.  It wasn't a bad last dish and cup, but it did nothing.

Still exhausted beyond reason.  My body is threatening to pass out, fall down... right out of my chair.  I can hardly concentrate.  I may or may not be able to fight through it.  Not sure why things are so bad.  They just are.  I keep trying to focus to do some things.  And I keep failing.  Why should exhaustion hurt so badly?

There are real syndromes, health issues which will cause these problems.  Though it may just be a bad heart.  I can't rely on the VA to diagnose anything.  They want to treat what they prefer to treat, when they want to.  They aren't there for me, I am there for them and their training programs.  I would bet a lot of money they know or suspect what, or what all, is wrong.  But treatments, or even cures, aren't interesting to them.  They would rather treat  minor issues, which are problem for rich people, then fix some minor issue which doctors won't deal with regularly or for their preferred clientele.

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Crap... I crashed.  Not sure for how long.  Forgot to finish this. It is 02:15 exactly, as I wake.  Last I remember it was 21:15 or so?  Yeah.  But I had done other things and... who knows when I went back to bed, right then or a few hours later.  No idea when I went down, just know I am just waking up.  Bleh.

I would have thought sleep would help.  But it really hasn't.  Especially sleep after even a small but good meal, which digested well and quickly.  I am thinking of making another meal, before long.  Not perfectly keto, at all, but... not candy bars either... beans, ground beef (if it is still good) and turkey, with shredded cheese and mexican spices.  I'll skip tortillas, if those would probably be really bad anyway.  And I am out of lettuce of any kind.  Still, with the meats and cheese, it... isn't too bad on keto.  I'll keep the beans to one or two smaller cans, so it will be mostly meat, say two pounds of meat, half a pound of beans (after draining and rinsing), and half a pound to pound of cheese.  Mostly keto.

If I can stand for long enough.  So winded, tired, exhausted again, really.  Oh well.  I am praying to God that I can get a bit more food in me.  Not sure it matters, but... one can always hope.

Up, for two hours.

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I was thinking I might wake better, be able to get to something or other.

To suggest "not yet", I think, is being optimistic.  Putting even that lightly.

Up, and to the bathroom.  Probably my second or third run.  A simple task.  Yet, and again, through all three runs, a terrible task.  By the time I got back there, I was out of breath.  My lungs burned, my muscles, even muscles barely used.  The effort created hunger, but nausea would make a meal difficult.  Still, in a while, I will try.

Even if the cheese tastes like wood, and the beef cuts taste empty, I'll make a sandwich, just a single one.  Having a slice of cheese extra, plus a hot fatted coffee.  A hot coffee will help with the sandwich, it partly melts the cheese, helps digest it.  Two sandwiches?  If so, no extra slice.  But, yes, maybe that is how I will go.  I need food, better food.  Yes, this is far better than a snicker bar.

Why the burning muscles, though, I can't say.  It feels, literally, as if they were aflame.  Why the lack of breath?  That I really can't understand either.  It just happens, sometimes.  Slept well, mostly.  I may go back to bed, after getting food in.  Whether it stays down?  It... probably will.  Though it may just sit in there.  I really hope hot coffee will help.

I did consume the beer, which was purchased some time ago.  To be honest, it was... delicious.  I'd like a beer or two now.  But, as mentioned, I know I can't.  I kept consumption to a few beers at any time.  But, I know, if I keep drinking it, I will end up taking a case, or two... possibly three, at a time.  I love the stuff.  Though, too, it would probably get me back into vodka and whiskey.  Beer if fine but medium to hard spirits are finer... if you are going to go that way.  Probably just a few times a month, but, still, that's... a lot.

No, no more beer.  No vodka or whiskey either.  Or scotch.  Loved scotch, certain ones.  Oh, and absolutely not tequila.  Tequila and bar fats, you have no idea how much I miss each, but the mix was nigh on divine.  I still wonder if that wasn't the ticket to the east coast vampire clubs.  Perhaps I just didn't remember what... all went on.  Maybe I was a sort of... performer.  They did love their blood-letting.  I was more than good.  When not performing, I was quite... stable, as well.  Tequila was one of the keys.  That and everclear, if I learned to leave that, both of them actually, alone.  Actually, all of it.  Enough beer and... it... can act similarly.  If I usually couldn't drink enough to forget.  Everclear, though, just a fifth would get me there, for a while.  Tequila was brutal, though, too.  They acted in different ways, one was painful to drink, the other was just too strong, even for a giant.

Anyway...  The odd thing is, that 'medicine' made these problems go away.  It is what makes them tempting, even in this time.  If I sank a six-pack, or four, I'd... not be feeling bad.  A fifth, for now, of something a bit stronger, would ease all of these problems.  Of course, without being locked up inside somewhere, eventually I would become... a problem.  I'm bad enough sober, so I stay away.  But drunk?  And lethal on top of it.

So, yeah, I'll... just suffer.  I just wish there was something else, something that worked as well.  Have looked, tried many forms of medicine.  Just haven't found foods, or otc's, or such, which do it like that.  Anyway... so be it.  I may get some food, and back to bed for a while?  Sooner or later?  Whatever.  Later.

Awake around 19:00?

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Something like that.  It is twenty after, and all I have done is... checked the front porch and lit the machine?  Right.  Still tired, but gently.  No great exhaustion as has often been the case.  I would like to get things managed, a bit.  Anything... something.  Food would be good.  A shower.  Chores.  Litter clearing and cleaning.  Possible?  Maybe.  Some of it.

Hunger.

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For a specific food.  My family version of spaghetti, with meat tomato sauce.  From time to time, I have it.  With regular spaghetti.  I prefer, by size, regular spaghetti to thicker spaghetti noodles.  Angel hair thin is fine, from time to time.  But I don't generally like other noodles.  If I want, say, goulash, that takes different noodles, and... even if I use the same sauce, the flavor is totally different.  With goulash, I might want shells, or a very few other noodles.  Oddly, no matter the sauce, the noodle used can change the taste so as to be a different type of meal.  And, no, linguine simply isn't a spaghetti type meal either.  Actually, oddly, I really don't like linguine, regardless the sauce?  Strange but true.

Still, I am trying to get to keto.  I have been having a problem though.  No matter how "keto" I have tried to eat, I still get bumped from ketosis.  Smaller amounts, particular ingredients, this, that, the other thing.  It hasn't seemed to matter.  As well, I lose and gain on this diet.  Even when eating very little.  So, for about a year, I have been pouting.  When I haven't been too ill to manage a diet of any real sort, just eating... as lately... whatever possible.

Anyway, recently, I noticed videos on how to cook spaghetti squash.  I have heard it is a keto version of spaghetti.  And, that there were various ways to cook it.  Still, while I have looked at various ways of cooking it, I have never really been sure of any real way.  Nor was I sure that it was truly keto.

Ribs and mushrooms.

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Into the oven, in various packets.  Mushrooms with butter, garlic, onion, and pepper.  Ribs as well, minus butter.  Hoping for something tasty.  Will see in an half hour.  May just open the mushrooms, if probably will close the ribs back up.  Give them an half hour more, give or take fifteen minutes.  Leaving the mushrooms open, and the ribs going closed.  If it all looks and temps well enough, I'll give it fifteen minutes in a closed and shut down oven.  Otherwise fifteen minutes cooking, then fifteen minutes as suggested.

Hungry.  Even if I doubt I'll eat much.  Should provide good leftovers, for days if things are as they were.  Who knows, sometimes when hunger is sated more rightly, a better hunger returns.  Hmm, yeah, and to thaw more meat.  Iowa chops, if they just call them thick cut hereabout.  I added ground coriander to these dishes, won't to the next meats.  I like it, just not every time.  but for onion, garlic, salt, and pepper?  Almost automatic, if I have it.  Sure, don't always taste it, unless I think about it, but these are as much for health as for some additional flavor.  And, rarely, I do go without.

If the food gets me going, I am hoping to do chores, then redo waterers.  Perhaps have a bit more to eat later.  Two to four ribs, a cup of mushrooms, per meal?  Less if I can't, more if needed.  And a glass of milk on the side.  Small, for me.  A wonderful mix.  Getting cold?  No.  It's, by my senses, middling to warm, by temperature.  I must just be failing a bit.

All good.  Later or good night.

Waterers.

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.

I had to go the bathroom.  After finishing and washing up, I decided I could hit the waterers.  There were more left than I thought.  Some had been filled, perhaps half.  The rest were still empty... from the smallest to the largest.  So, I got to it.

First, all are opened, their lids put in the fill bucket(s), and the bottles emptied or that attempt made.  They sometimes have left over fluid, though not lately.  Mostly.  I think there were two out of... twenty?  Maybe.  Dumped, or the effort was made.  Then, usually, they are filled and set out and up.  As many as I have room along the tub.  I set them on the floor towel, then begin cleaning the nipples.  I just use water and hand to wipe around them, stainless tubes, then swish water through the tubes, as a last process.

Usually I just use tap water, though, one every month or two, or if It feels off, I will add a cap of bleach to the bucket, use both buckets, fill as many as they will hold, then leave them in overnight.  Then rinse them and just use the same water for a fill, as well, use that water to clean the nipples as suggested here.  The nipples were soaking overnight as well, in the bleach water.  Too much, and the rabbits don't like it.  Too little, and I would guess, they will get sick.  I do my best.

Anyway, this time was without bleach.  Bleaching could happen any time in the next month, if possible.  It is on my mind.  It's just a very little more work, and actually gives me a bit of a break.  As I try to have all the bottles empty, so get a bit of a break.  Since I won't be washing them for a day.  All I have to do is disassemble, soak, and leave it for the next day.  It halves the work between two days, so it is actually a good thing, more so if in an exhausted state, as now.  But, not this time.  I didn't think of it in time, and I need the bottles to feed and water.  If I can catch up, refill the ones I use later, and have it all ready... then run them out and remember... I may do it next time.  Ugh.

Got it all done, and set up for use.  But wore myself well and truly out.  If I can catch my breath, before crashing, I will attempt to finish chores before going to bed.  So drained from such little effort.  And, yet, I... keep... just above the waves.  So tired, achy, hungry, thirsty, and those last not just for food and water.  Air.  I'd love to have a lot of air.  Not up to super oxygenating, but would if I could.

If I can get to chores, refill any final waterers, and getting trash out, I should be in much better shape for tomorrow.  The girls are happy.  I can tell.  Oh, I may put ribs in the oven.  Yes, if they still smell good.  Probably do.  Hmm, might pull some meat out to thaw, again, tonight, as well.  So hungry, in so many ways.  And, yet, so very tired and sore and such.  Later.  Or good night.  Not quite sure what else will happen.

Litter and cat food.

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Nothing else.  Just clearing then replacing litter, then putting food in their bowls.  Panting, as if getting ready to pass out.  I barely made it to my chair.  Very difficult times, lately.  Not sure how this can be sorted.  Especially with bp probably in as good of order as it can be.  Diabetes could be in better shaped.  Though, maybe not.

While I have been eating junkfood, I haven't been eating much, or often.  I merely eat when it seems I might otherwise pass out.  I will try to get something real eaten tonight.  Perhaps grill, or roast, the ribs.  If they are still good.  I wouldn't eat much, can't.  A quarter of them?  If I am lucky.

Still, I got two of the things done.  If I could eat, I might be able to feed and water the critters, perhaps even reset the waterers.  The just go to bed.  If I can get all that done, and be ready whole for tomorrow, I would be in really good shape.  Even if I all I do is reset litter, feed and water the critters, and eat some of the leftovers, that would be quite good.  Sleep after I finish those, then wake up, reset waterers, cook a bit more food, then go back to bed and just keep barely ahead.  Not much, but... that would be good.  No promises.

Everything sort of hurts, but more mildly.  Tired, more than in pain.  If I can get a few things done, I might well sleep so quickly that the pain will be lost to the sleep.  At 19:21, well... it is what it is.  Good night, most likely.

No idea when I went down.

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.

It was after seven.  A few minutes or hours I can't be sure about.  I am just woke at a quarter or ten to 18:00.  I slept fairly solid.  Someone may have called, can't recall.  And haven't found the phone yet.  Dreams of calls are common occurances though.  Difficult to know, until I find my phone.  I mean to shut it off at night.  That doesn't always happen.

Better.  I feel better.  I think.  As I wake.  May just be numb.  The girls, the rabbits and else.  Soon as I can.  While I feel better, I am still crushingly exhausted.  Just thinking is difficult.  I want to go back to bed, and may... if I can't escape this impossible state I am currently in.  I just, I guess I got up, and am trying to wake up, because I could.  Doesn't mean I will make it.

I am drinking a lot less, and taking just one water pill a day.  Continuing to take an extra potassium.  I should have taken a lot more, though I suspect keeping up, at high levels of the water pill and lots being ejected, isn't exactly possible?  So I just took double, and will take double for the rest of the month.  Well, it was because it was how I had it set up, and when I added extra water pills, I forgot to add extra potassium, and... really... my ability to think, or even act on thinking, failed.  I kept thinking about it, but I had become too tired, confused, and such.

I still am, to be honest.  If I do something, it is more an accident.  I have lists of things I want to do.  But I have no ability to act on those things.  There is always a chance, when I am up doing something else, that the list will come up in my mind, and I will act on something.  Or, even, sitting here, I will think of something and go, do.  How long I can continue to act is another question.  Sometimes moments, then I find myself right back here, waiting to remember.  Not even sure what I do with myself, while setting here.

Hoping to get things together.  Not sure, exactly, what the problem is.  Good homemade right food would help, but I am not sure it is enough, on it's own.  If I thought so, I would work a bit harder to get food on hand.  Is it just medicine, or mainly, trucking me down?  The weather isn't helping.  Cold to cool, darker and getting darker still.

I am adding an easier to take dose of vitamin d, and adding vitamin c, onto a smaller daily ration of each.  I am keeping magnesium, zinc, and a small standard daily multivitamin, and some other extras in the mix.  Well, since starting medicine back up.  Well, plus the heavy prescription only doses of potassium.  I still haven't added electrolyte solution.  I just haven't started doing anything regularly, even eating.  So... Bit by bit, my world, like an old engine, is attempting to be lit back up.  And, it is being restarted.  Just not as quickly as hoped.

I'd like to stay awake long enough to hit the cat litter, reset their food, not worried about their water as that has been changed out the last two days in a row.  Usually I like to do it every other day, but could so did get them twice... as a gift.  Then feed and water the rabbits.  If I can do anything else, it would be super.  But if I feel the need to sleep after those things, I will.  I would really like to get all of their waterers reset, after that.  So I can do chores easily and cleanly for about four days, without having to do anything... in case I can't.  Ugh.

Later, or good night again.

Couldn't sleep.

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.

In some awful shape.  But it has been worse.  Aches, pains, and a tiredness which will not cease.  I didn't take painpills until just now.  Sleep was calling, I just couldn't answer.  Some food in, terrible as it is.  I have been able to keep it in, if I really didn't want to keep it in.  Throwing up, at the moment, is the worse of the outcomes.  And I have been able to avoid it.

Raining, out there.  I think it is rain.  should make sleep pleasant.  I honestly wish I had been able to sleep earlier.  Still, I'll get in and rest for as long as possible just here shortly.  Why I couldn't sleep?  Sometimes I just can't.  Insomnia is a word, with a meaning, but it doesn't always provided understanding.

I have been dreaming, of living, and dying, as I have sat here.  No worries.  Both are graces, and things of God.  I merely abide God.  My gratitude is as profound and the depths of my monstrous natures.  These, it seems, He has claimed.  And they are His, to claim, and command.  As I have written, most monsters aren't monsters.  For they cannot bend a knew and give all glory to Him, His grace.  It takes a monster to do His will, with His name on our tongues, bowed to not just Him, but to His children.  You have... no idea.  But I may show you.  Depends on your place in things, I suppose.  I hope you may merely die.  Though there is something special about being His monster.  Amen.

A rough one, tough one.  I struggle with death, pain, graces.  And I wouldn't have it any other way.  Again, amen.  How much are you willing to suffer for life?  Or allow Him to throw you into the fire, to recall life, over and over again.  To remain grateful for each opportunity?  I tell you, this is my lot.  I remain open to it until revification ends.  Even through the great suffering of it.

Tired.  Sleep.  I ordered an oximeter.  I have been pushing things lately.  Can't... stop death.  If it's time, so be it.  But I can superoxigenate my blood, for short bits of time, if needed.  I can check it, and keep it higher.  Odd thing is, even when I feel bad, I am often flooded with oxygen, sometimes too high?  I am not standard equipment, even if I am dying, or struggling for breath.

I'm not sure how I can have too high of oxygen content, but still be dying of thirst for air?  Maybe my body isn't able to use the oxygen?  But, that it is in the cells... doesn't that mean it HAS been used?  I'll... look that up, at some point.  I usually have 92 to 96 oxygen.  Even when I'm like a fish on the bank.  Bleh.  Later.

Cold, dark, tired.

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.

Inside or out, one or more of those at a time.  Bedtime, again?  Probably.

I am hoping to reset the girls' litter boxes.  They have been fed twice, plus the hard food is out in full, for them.  I think I can refresh their water as well.

It isn't much, but some of what has been plaguing my mind have been tended.  I sleep so much better when the needs and wants of the creatures are managed.

I probably won't set up waterers for tomorrow.  But I do hope to get them set up when I wake.  Early, late, difficult to know.  So very tired.  Though whether sleep is possible is a whole other thing.  Or waking.  I just can't be certain.  So very tired, as if that means much.

A baked potato.  There is another out there.  Though, probably, just something warm for later.  That is it for potatoes.  Or anything else easily, if slowly, warmed.  I haven't checked the ribs.  If they are good, I may simply grill them, adding sauerkraut at the end, layered on like hay or some such.

Yes, on to bed.  I don't think I will do the litter.  It will be the first thing on my list of things to do.  Waterers and refreshing their water next.  I have enough water to do some of each, when I wake.  So very tired.  It hurts.  I have been breathing through my nose, and doing extra with that, in the hopes of... improving some problems.  There are limits.

You can only bring in just so much extra air, oxygen, for only just so long.  Good night, or evening, or afternoon?  Good day, and later or much later.

Who dares whisper here?

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.

You should quest forward with great... care.

To be of use, you will, as with my lord and myself, bear a cross, crosses.

Uhm, well.

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I ended up back in bed.  Worried, about the critters.  Worried, even, a bit about myself.  Still, no choice.  I had to get more rest, sleep.  Thankfully, I did.  Lots of sleep, when I can sleep.  If too, not very awake even when I am not sleeping.  Very difficult lately.  More food would be good, better food would be even better.  It is what it is.  I can't cook, clean, eat, or drink well.  Doing my best.

I have no idea how long I slept.  It think I woke a bit after 16:30?  Then tried to get the waterers set back up, and get food ready for them.  I still have some junk food around.  It isn't good food.  It is calories.  Trust me, if going completely without is the choice, bad food may be better.

Finally, I got out and fed the critters, and changed their waterers.  I know it must be difficult for them, probably going without for six to twelve hours.  It's as good as I can do.  I will, before the night is through, reset all of the waterers.  I have enough reset for a day, without missing anything.  If I get the rest done, I will have three to four days of feed and water ready.  I would like to get a bit more, though who knows.  I would have to get a shower, get to town, and hope they items are available.

The girls, though, need fed and to have litter managed.  Ugh.  There is always more to do.  As well, I would like to sort out food for myself, real, good, solid, food.  So hungry, especially for real whole good food.  Will see what is possible.  I have some meat thawed, if it is still good.  And, I think I have veggies.  Cheese sandwiches are available, if the cheese... the cheddar anyway... really didn't taste all that good.  Not sure if it is because of my poor recent diet, if the cheese is old or isn't well made due to supply chain problems, or else.  Tasted like chalk.

Still, today... finally... some things done.  And the rabbits weren't dead.  I may not be as far behind as I thought, but I can't... remember.  I have a great fear that the critters will be dead.  If my fear of the length of missing caring for them were true, they would be dead.  So, I am probably not missing for nearly as long as I think.  Just... dark dreams, or they would be dead.

Well... on to something.  I'm thinking a potato, with butter and sour cream.  It's not keto.  Mostly.  But it is a more real food.  And, with butter and sour cream, I get decent fats in there.  Add on sea salt, and there is a bit more, plus pepper.  And it is warm, if it takes nearly and hour and an half to finish.  Still... it... is real food.  Can't eat more than one.  I'm not able to eat too much.  I will check on some pork that is thawed.  If good, I may have it later.

On to other things... or in a bit.  Ugh.

A day missed.

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.

Not sure which day... Friday, Saturday, or Sunday.  I do my best.  Can't always tell when medicines were missed.  And, it may have been compounded over several days.  I simply can't remember having missed medication.  Or food, if I probably missed more meals than medicine.

A call missed, and several texts.  Not sure when.  One text was from someone I absolutely don't know.  The call and other text I do know.  I'll have to get back in touch with them.  One was asking for help.  Help I cannot offer, currently.  Standing, and doing very small tasks, are beyond me currently.  More is impossible?

Will keep trying to do more.  Will have to wait and see.

The clocks are all reading 10:22, currently... 09:20 when I started waking.  The thing is, I was almost sure it was later than that when I went to bed.  Or, at best (worst) nearing that when I went to bed.  I'm not sure how I can be awake.  I am sure it wasn't yesterday, when I woke at this time... or went to bed at this time?  Something is very strangely off.  Not sure why I would be, or how I could be, awake.

Comfortably awake, if not all that capably awake.  I'll try to sort things out, and get a few things done, in any case.  Odd how sometimes I can feel totally feeble, then just be able to do.  Though weakness isn't always purely of flesh.  It can be just as bad being just of thought, will.  With either, or both, of those diminished, the flesh is just as weak as if it had no food, water, or else, for too long.

Still, it's always about doing things.  So I will try.  Later.

Incapably awake for hours.

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I can't be sure when I woke.  Afternoon, mid or early.  Sometime between 13:30 and 17:30?  Yea, I am pretty sure it was in there at sometime.

Thirsty, and if not hungry, I knew I should eat.  The idea of either was nauseating.  

I wanted to feed the girls, deal with their laundry, feed the rabbits, and... other things.  A shower, laundry, more.

A few steps saw me to exhaustion.  Getting to the bathroom, once, totally wiped me out.  There were other times when I wanted to go.  I just couldn't.  Breathing... I have learned to do it, paced, so as to get some air.  Not completely out of air, but breath had to be paced... or gone without.  If I didn't pace it, it would be gone.

So tired.  It takes time to do anything.  Some things aren't quite possible.  And, cold.  Though it doesn't really matter.  I am surprised I am not suffering from hypothermia.  Especially without being able to eat most of the day.

I finally got a bit to eat, and drink.  Still thirsty, and hungry.  The supplies just sit in there.  No digestion is going forward.  At least it isn't being rejected.  I think the reason I have thrown food up before was because it was just sitting in there, not being digested.  It felt like having eaten a brick.  It wasn't going to digest.  Better to be rid of it.  It is nearly that currently.  Though, perhaps, there is a bit more digestion happening.

So very difficult.

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Some wonder why I provide videos of people who push things, then end up dead.  From spelunkers to mountaineers.  Well, there is a reason.

While I do not push my body in the same way they push theirs, the outcome is often the same.  This last month, I have only just been able to sit.  My lungs burn, my muscles hurt, things are going wrong, inside and out.  Dehydration, lack off food, too cold or... not even that.  My body just can't stay warm.  Numbness beyond my ability to help you understand.  And, yet, I keep... keeping on.

No frostbite, if I think more because my body is abnormal.  It can handle cold much better than most.  Lots of things could go wrong, in my current condition.  If you were me, you would be dead.  You can't survive what I am surviving.  Why?

Something is really wrong.

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.

I can feel the dehydration.  But there is something else wrong.  Probably several things wrong.

I decided to check bp and pulse.   It is 132/86, with a pulse of 83?  Well, okay.  I would have thought it was much lower... or higher.  It feels off.  It also isn't blood sugar, or wasn't.  I... had... a few bars.  Temptation was just too much.

Something(s) feel so off though!  I have no idea what all is wrong, only that some things are terribly wrong.

I have taken medicine, keeping the water pill to one.  I have carefully made sure I am not extra dosing that stuff I had been doing too much.  I check my medicines every day, just... to make sure.  I have my medicines memorized, and am being so very cautious.

I feel like I could pass out.  But I am careful, cautious.  Not only when I go to stand up, but also just sitting here.  I am being cautiously alive.  I realize, whatever is wrong, I could end up dead.  Which, if it is that time, is fine.  But I have a duty to be alive for a while longer.  If it is possible, even if it means being more long suffering, I will try to outlive my mother.

It's a difficult thing.  But I will do my best.  It might not be much, some might think it merely a normal cause, or wish.  But, for me, it is a great suffering.  Even so, one I will endure if possible.  Something is so very wrong.

I have had a few trick or treaters.  I am handing out two full sized bars, as I don't think there will be all that many visitors.  I have very much enjoyed the visitors so far.  Handsome young gents if mostly pretty young ladies.  A few parents in with the crowd, if none would take a treat themselves.  Still, the offer is there.  Some have been quite pleased with the full size bars.  I am pleased that they are happy.  Maybe not many visitors, but they have been happy visitors.  All good.

Later.

Dehydrated.

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.

Definitely dry.  I can feel it in my neck, along the height of it.  Inside, and out.  It's a strange thing.  I have limited the water pill to one a day, and been drinking just a bit extra.  It will take a while, in any case.  Oh, I should add extra electrolytes, for a while, to whatever I drink which will take it.  I'm not sure if I have any pickle juice fresh enough to help, but that would be good too.  The thing with salty drinks, is I have to drink enough non-salty stuff to make that applicable, but without further drying out my system.  Always a trick.

I slept for a bit later last night, then again today.  I need sleep.  Am getting it.  Not in a way that is preferred.  I would rather sleep in one long session.  That just can't seem to happen.  One shorter and one longer session is how it is, so far, working.  Though that may change.  Perhaps if it cools off a good deal more?  It has warmed back up.  Not to summer temps.  But to the mid 60's, upstairs, with the window cracked and a small fan running on low.  Fresh air really does help, especially if it's not too cool, or cold.

I put a small load of laundry in.  Hopefully will get another one going before too long.  Another shower?  Would be nice, if possible.  And dishes, started, either way... after, or after deciding against.  All good.  I have a bit of food.  Some to be cooked, some to be eaten cold if need be.  Cheese sandwiches, meat crumble, perhaps a few other things.

Oh, someone suggested another syndrome.  I've got to tell you, you are so far off track I must suspect that you are the one with the... difficulties.  I know, everyone wants others to be like them, especially when limited.  Or worse than them.  I can hear, very well.  Conversations in school, and other places, can be annoying.  I have, mostly, learned not to listen... or to not consider... all that is said around me.  I have shut down some of that.  Not all of it, all the time.  

It is amazing what you hear, though, when you listen.  I do have to wonder what they would think if they realized you knew what they said?  Then again, a lot of them actually hope you hear, so as to hurt you.  But, realizing how people are, it... really doesn't hurt feelings.  It just lets some of us know there are people worse off than us in the world.  Don't they realize, the people they speak with about others?  Realize how terrible and limited they are?  They might have to go along, but they know how terrible some backstabbers really are.  Won't end well.  I feel sorry for the petty, the weak of mind and will, and those who need to try to break others down so that they can feel good?  Sad, really.  It has no affect on some of us.

Hmm... interesting how things work out.

I haven't been able to do almost anything recently.  No gaming, no cooking, no work, chores have been brutal and irregular.  So tired, sore, achy in weird ways.  Legs are doing much better, and feet.  Swelling is gone, if almost to a fault, in those areas.  Perhaps even the torso has started getting rid of most of the fluid.  It is rough though.

I had hoped to get back to town, to buy a few more groceries.  But I don't think so.  So very tired.  Exhausted.  Pained too.  I won't be taking more painkillers, either.  I just need to suffer for a while.  I fear taking too much more of the stuff, for various reasons.  I am sure, in time, I will get used to pain, and get over it to a degree.  I will just have to suffer well, for now.  I will get out when possible.

Later.

Something is very bad.

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.

Dehydration?  A part of it.  But something... somethings... else, also wrong.

I will begin using only one water pill per day, total.  As well, I will begin drinking a bit more.  I don't believe the whole problem is dehydration.  I still believe I have too much fluid.  My feet and legs are in very good shape, finally, and again.  But my torso probably still has too much fluid.  The thing is, as I suggested, there is only so much fluid which can be voided in a set amount of time.  I have, most likely, exceeded that volume.

So, yes, things hurt, ache, and are out of place.  Though, too, perhaps, potassium is low... maybe other things.

How much trouble am I in?  Maybe a lot.  Maybe a bit.  I won't know until... I know.  I don't have tests, only time.

I got to bed around 21:18, actually exactly.  Then woke at around 23:00?  Or 00:00?  One of those two, I think the latter, or a few minutes shy actually.  I think so.  A few hours down did help.  Still, headache and other pains.  General discomforts.  Difficulty burning any energy of body.  Thinking is a bit clearer, after some rest.

I could be dying.  I just don't know.  I am thinking about taking more excedrin migraine, but want to hold off.  I have been cutting even that.  It can be a problem on it's own.  I am well under the extended use warnings, and have been using just the normal recommendations.  Still, with all else, I would rather bargain to the far side of safety margins with some things, while having pushed well beyond them with other things.

I am pushing, currently, to remain in some sort of conscious state.  And I am trying to sort out how to add fluid back without over doing that, and adjusting a few other things.  I know, it's a bit tricky.  I'll do my best to stay alive and well.  I don't do these things in complete foolishness.  There is a reason I take risks.  But, with risks... there is danger.

A rough one, folks.  If you would, a prayer.  Not for my life, or death, just for God's will pertaining to any of it.  And thanks, to you for any prayers, and to God for the opportunity.  Even the suffering.  It teaches me.  I don't seek it, not anymore anyway.  But offer it to those who suffer in waiting, and offer it as well, to God, as a gift of learning.  Some days, often, I'd rather not hurt.  But... since it is here, might as well not have it for naught.  I've seen purgatory... been stuck there... no prayer, no movement... trust me.  Pray for those poor souls.  There are many, I know personally, who might have made it there.  And there are many who are there, and nobody knows.  I was one of those.

Anyway...  If I should happen to die?  Do pray for my soul.  If you can't find it in your heart to do so, I will pray you learn better before you end in a worse place yet.  Amen.

So rough, so thinly stretched, muscles to organs hurt, neck to ribs are paining me.  Hard to breath, a bit fevered.  So many things wrong.  Still, I'll... keep at it.  And I am, truly, grateful.  For family, friends, a chance to worship God right through living and even suffering.  For pain, and enemies, who offer me a chance to learn and grow.  I'll keep at it, as long as I may.  Amen.

Very strange.

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.

So much pain.  Everything was better, there for a bit.  Between the shower, food, and taking care of a bit of business, I was thinking life had just gotten better.  And it had.  I felt batter.

Then, all of a sudden, I began to crash.  No rhyme or reason.  Eyes are sore, tired, even.  That exhaustion is back.  The pains  and aches, here and there, and everywhere.  All back.  I'll have a bit of something to drink.  Then go on to bed.  Rough, tumble... bedtime.  Good night.

A lot less food needed.

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Yesterday I was able to eat a lot of food.  Needed it.  Tonight only a third of what I had yesterday was more than enough... almost too much.  As well, I purchased candy for Halloween.  Though, on the way back, I realized I may have been too late!  I am never sure when it will be celebrated locally.  Still, by the time I realized the problem, it was too late in all ways possible.

It turns out tomorrow is t he day.  I have enough for... some of the little rascals.   Limited by availability, as always on the night of or night before.  Still, there should be enough, and they are full size bars.  Probably enough.  Will find out tomorrow.

More, I got groceries while at it.  Cheese, for sandwiches.  And a few other things.  Hopefully I won't have to be going out for lesser foods for a while.  Though I would like to get a few more things, after payday.  I forgot salad.  So dark, so fast, today.  Plenty dark before 19:00.  And I was so tired.  Plus, the other people on the road were scary.  Driving in various parts of everyone else's lane, stopping without notice or reason.  I... kept as much distance as possible, went slow, and with some serious caution.  If I saw a way to get around, past, in the other lane from, some of them, I did.  Walking, and driving, on eggs, is no fun.

Oh, I finally found gruyere cheese.  Pretty pricey.  Still, I picked some up.  However, there was no eggs!  None of the free range.  Not really interested in organic, unless it is home raised.  I could check on that, though, yet tonight.  Though that seems to be slowing down, or nearing stopping.  So that might not be available either.  Grhh!  Always something.  But I keep trying.

A bit rough still.  Some good, some bad.  Fed, ready for rascals who I sure enjoy treating, a bit achy, but... so be it.  And, ten days, fully, into restarting medication.  Insulin has been very hit and miss, but the pill pills have been in like clockwork.  I'll keep trying.  So limited, tired, sore, hungry, rough, dark, and sometimes cold and wet.  I suppose I can rest when I'm dead.  I hope.  Amen. 

Awake?

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Mostly.  I think medicine and weather have me under the weather.  Well, and not eating well, correctly, enough.  I just can't cook.  Well, in part because I can't clean.  Though cooking would be difficult even if I had clean pots, pans, dishes, and else.  Even if available, I couldn't necessarily use the resources which may, or may not, be available.

So hungry.  At least I got a meal yesterday.  Not sure about today.

I think I have been awake for several hours.  A shower would be good.  A long one, working, again, on dry patches, toenails, and warming.  I really enjoyed that last shower.  Wanted another, just wasn't up to another one yesterday.  But, yes, maybe today.  As long as I don't think I might lose consciousness in the process.  Yes, it is that difficult lately.  Will just have to see how things go.

On the good side, I am half way through the second week of medicine.  It may take a few more days, or weeks, or... months perhaps... in order to adjust back to medicine.  Eating, at least a meal a day, may be the difficult thing to sort out.  I am not sure, it alone... food... could solve the problem.  There is also the cool, cold, weather.  The darkness, if the sun is out today.  There is more than just food, or the lack of it.  Still, food would help.  I don't need much.  Just enough.  Ah... if I could shop, getting lettuce for taco salads... and figuring out how to fry burger... and cheese for sandwiches...  little things, but they really help.  If I could just get to town!  So difficult.

Trying to sort through things.  I'll... do my best.  So very tired, achy, weak, right to the point of fearing actually passing out.  The symptoms... eyes dilating, blurry vision, spots of light, breathing difficulty, weakness all at once so standing, walking, and carrying even small items becomes difficult.  Light headedness...  And, actually, even as mentioned, cells in muscles feeling like they are on fire... burning.  Difficulty breathing?  Shortness of breath?  Something like those.  I don't actually feel like I can't breath, more that the breath isn't being used.  Some burning in the lungs?  And it is difficult to think, remember what to do or... what should be done.

I am pretty sure I have gone through this before.  I suspect it is the medicine.  Though, perhaps, medicine is adding to some other problem, or some other problem is resembling the medicine side effects?  I may have been accusing medicine incorrectly?  Just thinking the two were one.  And, maybe, there is some connection.  Maybe medicine makes diabetes symptoms worse?  Or enhances the illness?  I just can't be sure.

As bad as it has gotten, I may be better, enough, currently, to do some sorting... for now.  I might be able to try a few things.  Though if it continues to be like this, or get worse, I may get in some sort of trouble... going down for months, hard.  Or... maybe... worse.  I'll try to sort some of this, as possible.  I've definitely had worse.  Later.

Don't blame me.

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It may resemble some of what I write, but this is you, and them.  It isn't me.  Or... I didn't go looking.  You found and offered, accused, noticed, seem to think I resemble... or my life... or people in it... resemble... some of these things.  I don't mind.  I merely return them to sender(s)?

Maybe.

I saw my favorite people.

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It took a while to recover from doing chores.  The shakes, weakness, lots of things.  It was as if I became absolutely exhausted, and all at once.  Just finishing was a bit of a trick.  Even the cells in the muscles hurt, burned.  I did finish, then sat, for a while.  So hungry, yet unable to cook.  I was able to drive, so I did that instead.

To one of my regulars.  Not health food.  But hot, and enough, so that I was satisfied.  Rather than drive home to eat cold food, which is worse for being cold, and impossible to reheat rightly, I find a spot to park and eat.  Preferably a parking lot with overhead lighting, and not too much traffic.  So it went.

As I was eating, I saw the couple.  Old.  I am old.  These were probably married before I was born.  But, together, they... hold up well.  They hold each other up.

She, I saw first, coming around their minivan.  I am guessing they have that for grand, perhaps great grand, children.  As well as for groceries.  It's the new station wagon.  Dressed in a moderately pleasant, if dated, dress.  Just to below her knees.  A white sweater on over, heavier but not even really to the temps for today, for her age and sex.  Still, she seemed quite comfortable.

Comfortable enough to fuss in the back, through the midsection sliding door.  He, by this time, had round up behind her, so as to see her into the vehicle.  She, as mentioned, decided to fuss in the back.  This is not what he had in mind, and they had a quiet moment if he absolutely allowed, and helped, in spite of his notions.  It... isn't about him, or even just her, but about what needs to be done, even if that is just ensuring she feels ready and right.  Yes, I... see.  In ways others only imagine.

Finally, settled with what she had wanted checked, moved, set, placed, adjusted, or such, he helped get her into her seat and closed the door for her as she otherwise settled in and belted up.  It took him ten to fifteen seconds to shuffle to the other side of the vehicle.  Bow legged, shuffling, in a suit which was probably from when he was a younger man.  His hair so wispy thin, white, almost more smoke than hair...  Yet full.  Both of them.

He drove well.  One wouldn't have known he was in his seventies or even eighties by his driving.  I headed out just after them.  I said a little prayer.  Jealous, I was, remain.  They aren't a man and his wife, they are a people.  Just... one.  They have shared a life for longer than I have lived one.  I even saw when they were first dating, or married, through my... talents.  They are close, now, to death.  It hasn't all been easy.  It won't be easy going on.  And, yet, they are going to be rather comfortable, as they are now, in a way only some of us may understand.

There will be a little bit of discomfort, as their time ends.  Perhaps moments, when one is finished and the other awaits their turn.  But they will already still be together, here and there.  I can sense it already.  I have... been there myself.  My first real love will always be with me, and the last I loved will as well.  A few others, still here and already gone, share my life.

Reminded... of the past and the future...  Still, can't help my jealousy.  Their time more real, and together more than I have had the fortune to know.  And, yet, I would not begrudge them a second of their time.  A bit of a prayer for them, as I passed, or one more prayer, and they turned off.  Such a wonderful people.

Not good.

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I nearly collapsed while doing chores.  I almost couldn't finish.  I had to push, hard, to get them done.  I really almost passed out.  Nothing fancy, just filling a bucket with food, a small bucket, and taking a few waterers out.  I can't be sure what is wrong.  I haven't been this bad off in a long time.

It may just be medication beginning to do what it sometimes does.  I almost thought it might be a blood sugar dive, but... not.  It wasn't.  So like it though.  I would check my bp, but that would require finding the device.  And, to be honest, I can't.  I would like something to eat.  That might help.  I can't cook.  Not sure about other options.  They are being considered.

The neighbor had asked if I would help.  I had, initially, thought I would.  Just wanted to feed critters first.  Started falling apart.  Had to let him know that wasn't possible.  I skipped painpills today.  They might help, but who knows... they might be the problem, or part of it?

My mother called earlier.  She has definitely decided the nursing home is where she will be from now on.  I suspected this some time back.  I suppose she is... just... finally deciding, for herself.  No problems.  I get it.  There  comes a time when all else is just done.  It's her leg, mostly.  Whether from nerve damage, ill connection through her back, or such, but her strength and such is just gone.  There are other things, too, though.

No, after this last spell, I realized her choices were finished.  I was just glad she hadn't broken a bone, or back, or else.  Fortunate.  More, I am simply pleased that she has decided this on her own.  It isn't what she or I, possibly others, wanted.  But it... looked to be the only way.

She still has people around, who can and do visit.  She, now, is again allowed to leave the building, even grounds.  She can go for a meal, if she can get a ride.  And, her house is being kept for her.  She wants furniture decided upon.  I'm not sure what I can do for that.  It's a long drive, would require hiring a towing vehicle... I... just... don't know.

I am, sort of, busy dying myself.  Probably faster than she is.  Now that she has a secure place to live, and more, she is in better shape to handle the future.  No one will be breaking into her place, as they have been and as they do at my place.  A danger all on it's own, as I fail.  Hmm...

Anyway...  I am hungry.  Not sure I could eat if I found or cooked food.  But I... really would like to figure out how to try to get food, give a shot at eating.  Ugh...  Maybe.  Later, or good night.

Why bother?

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I have to push, so hard, just to wake up.  And then, when awake, I'm still not really awake.  I make plans, push to get to them.  No matter how hard I push, I usually don't get my list.  Sometimes I get an item or two.  Mostly, I don't even get that.  So rude, brutal, to be so crippled.  To try with such willpower, thought, continuous, pushing, pulling, yanking, tossing, moving, all for naught.

A week and two days, on medication.  Four or five days of extra water pills, and a few days of extra water pills in the evening.  Fluid is going.  It is time to cut the water pill though.  At least the morning pills... from five to three.  I will continue with the night pills.  

One of the good things is, I am peeing less at night.  I had worried I would never sleep, needing to go all night.  As it turns out, I only become a bit needful in the last two to five hours.  The rest of the night I sleep quite well.  Taking night pills doesn't matter all that much, other than reducing how much I end up going, as it pushes some out in the last four the five hours I am awake.

Have the medicines helped, or hurt, in any other way?  Not that I can tell.  Other than some achiness, as cavities drain and adjust, I'm not seeing any other real applications.  Legs are starting to cramp, if that is part of the water loss.  I may kick minerals up a bit... electrolytes.  As well, I may begin adding electrolytes to some of what I drink.  I need the water out, still.  And, yet, I don't want to zap all my minerals.  I have done this before.  Yes, I am taking extra potassium.  Extra extra, though not too much extra, it is hoped.

Well, on to a few things.  Hopefully.  Still so frustrated, and tired.  My hands are pins and needles, must have slept on them incorrectly that last bit.  Bleh.  Later.

A solid dose of pain.

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I have certainly known worse.  But this is a solid dose of it.  Ribs, internals, legs, shoulders.  A solid medium hurt from most areas.  The pain, in each area, could be worse.  And it could be aching in more areas.  I'd say it's seven out of tens areas and six to eight on a scale of one to ten, ten being the worst.

A long shower, hot.  I usually just wash.  This time I washed, rinsed, and several times.  As well, I worked on patches of dry skin, under the toenails a bit, and just enjoyed a rather long soak.  I didn't need the heat, but I sure didn't mind it.  But, now, clean to the bone, or as much as such would be possible.

I need to get to chores.  And get fresh water for the girls.  So very tired.  Doing anything takes... often... more than I have.  It is bad enough that I took more painpills.  I keep hoping for a day off.  I had been at one a day.  I then needed two, per morning.  Now I am needing two in the morning and one or two in the afternoon.

I'm not just taking it for the pain.  I am taking it in hopes of getting to things.  I need to do some work and tasks and... things.  I haven't been able to.  So tired, sore.  It isn't just the pain, it's that it's been every day.  More, there is a lot under the skin.  I'll keep trying.  Yes, there are risks.  I don't have many choices.  When you pee half to a whole gallon a shot, without drinking, things are going to shift.

I'll keep at it.  May try to go without painpills for a few days.  Dunno.  Can try, make it a goal, an aim.  Hungry, just... not... interested in eating.  Bleh.  Later, or good night.

Awake, for what it is worth.

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No idea when it was when I went to bed.  After midnight, almost certainly.  After one, three, five?  I... simply don't know.  I looked at the time.  I think it was after five.  But that may have been a dream.  Just a dream.  Powerful, strange, dreams, of late.  Imagine bureaucracies burning?  Dreams.  Corrections.  Evil portions of government, law, even public big businesses, corrected in the strictest of manners.  But, too, dreams of life, and death, mine and others.  Strange dreams.

I woke a bit earlier, but didn't actually get out of bed until 13:00, right at... though a few minutes after, by the time I was downstairs, and had fed the girls.  They were hungry, it is late.  As things shift, I do my best to feed them more around certain times of day than by my schedule.  Of course, that shifts as my schedule shifts.  I just... do my best.

A shower, shortly.  Then more laundry in.  Whatever else is possible.  Seems dark, if the sun may have been out, for a short bit?  Who knows, it might actually be out off and on, or even now.  Can't tell, nor am I quite ready to go out and check.  Still tired.  And I do hurt a bit.

I am guessing the pain, currently, if mild as well as persistent, has to do with the loss of fluids.  As I purge excess liquids, my body had to adjust muscles, organ placement, connective tissue, and cavities which had once held pockets of water... blood... or whatever else.  What appears as fat, often, is just water... fluid.  Well, some of it.

Still, it is slowly improving.  Or I am getting used to the pains?  A bit of both.  My legs are almost completely back to normal.  The skin is still a bit loose, but is readjusting.  Which, really, made me realize that the pains might well have been from fluid removal.  My legs, skin to muscle, do hurt a bit but nearly normalized.  I would guess I probably have seven to ten more gallons of extra fluid to get out.  Though I can't get it all out in one go.

I'll give the higher dose of water pill through, say, another five to seven days.  Then drop it to normal for a few weeks.  Then, after a few weeks to a month, depending on how things are working, go back to a higher dose again.  Again, just for a week or so.  That is a lot of extra fluid weight.  Imagine wearing fifty to a hundred extra pounds, all the time.  Especially when all organs, including the heart, are taxed otherwise, on top of the extra weight.  Yea... I... will get rid of it.

A shower, some housekeeping... anything I can do.  Oh, but a bite to eat, first.  Really hungry.  Later.

Someone is busy.

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Not alone, it seems.  So many languages, and ways of suggestion, if all... seeming to say the same things?  I suspect so.  How many people can speak the same tongue?

Trying to sleep.

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Someone keeps... suggesting things.

I can't be angry.  Is she a believer?  When... she wants to be.

Good, enough.

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Grilled chicken thighs came out pretty good.  I didn't allow them to cool enough, however, so have a bit of a stomach ache.  I also cooked brats.  Came out just right.  A few thighs, then a few brats with sauerkraut.  Odd, when I eat meat while it is too hot, I get a stomach ache, just as if I ate too much candy, or... a few other things if I can't remember what all does that.

On the good side, I was out just in time, or for certain, to see the sun.  It has been days since I have seen a brightness I miss.  Not only a good few bites of good food, but sunshine.  My body, and mind, eat that up.  I am hoping for more sun tomorrow.  Perhaps a bit more warmth, too.  It was 44 out.  Not bad, but certainly not warm.  And, after all the rain and cooler temps, as a recent high, it was a bit too cool.  It will get colder, just... a bit of warmth, first, before we go into the dark would be appreciated.

I'll try to get to chores before too long.  I have been keeping up on the girls, mostly.  Litter, though, needs sorted.  And fresher water would be good.  So tired.  Will try.

Almost time to begin fixing food.

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Got the grill going.  It should be just about ready for a second stage.  I, first, light it up and let it rip.  Then I shunt vents and get it to a solid, sustainable, temperature.  Hopefully right at a medium to medium high.  Good enough to grill meats well, without burning.  I also leave an area where the heat can't burn.  Especially when cooking something with fats which might render and create a fire.

Chicken thighs will burn, if not cautious, as will steaks and some ribs and such.  Brats not so much, though they may burn if just left too long and too hot.  Tonight?  Probably chicken, a few pieces, and brats?  Probably.  So hungry.  I have been hungry all "morning", but unable to do much about it.  Maybe, shortly, I'll get food.

I called my mother.  The last time, she suggested she was going out for dinner, she wasn't.  I don't know if she was confused, talking about what she wanted to do, or... what.  But, this time, it sounds like she is actually getting out for dinner, somewhere in a nearby town.  Very happy to hear it.  Plus, she was able to stop at her place, and pick up clothes.  She has been living out of a, basically, overnight bag.  More, by a bit, but not much.

Still needing her walker.  Canes, even the four prongs, just won't do it.  Still, that she has fallen so often, and not broken, is a hopeful thing.  And she was a heavy smoker for many of her years alive.  Take graces where one can get them.  I am just glad she is able to get out, get some clothes, and feel all grown up, again.

Well, I should get back to the grill, set it for it's next stage, and plan dinner.  Getting the chicken spiced, and ready to grill... and the brats.  The rest of the meat needs t o be refrigerated.  So hungry!  Yes, on to the grill and dinner... supper... etc.  Good day.

Noon thirty.

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Not great, but it could be worse.  Already hitting 13:00.  Not moving fast, but I did get the water pills... the extras... in the pill box finally.  I have been taking the extra, but had to go get them, and then remember to take them.  Eventually.  And, why?  Well, because I have lost thirty to forty pounds in the last week.  And I am still, probably, just from extra fluid, between 280 and 300... which means I could easily lose another thirty to forty pounds, just in fluids.

So, yeah... I have to take extra.  One, or two, water pills a day simply will not do anything except maintain what is an excess of fluid.  Perhaps it will keep from adding more, but that water is doing bad things.  From causing exhaustion through flooding cells and lungs and other organs, to adding weight which simply crushes me, makes me have to work much harder just to stand.  More water pills.

And, actually, I may add some in the afternoon too.  While the "morning" pills do help me void, they sort of stop working by later in the afternoon.  Though I am not sure extra water pills will help, I am willing to take some risk, short term... for the next week.  I need to get rid of some of that fluid.  It's killing me, in a dozen ways.

Another shower today.  And I have fresh clean clothes to wear today.  I may add another load of laundry into the mix, today.  As well, hopefully, after a shower... and sometime through the day... get dishes started.  A lot of them.  Plus I really have to change the cat litter, feed the girls and critters, and... a few other things.

I am doing better?  Sort of.  I am able to do a few things.  Still crippled up a goodly bit.  The dark, damp, cool to cold, and health are combining to be a bit brutal.  But I am pushing on through.  I had thought not to take painkillers today, but... reconsidered.  Well, just one.  I have been able to take just one, most of this week.  I have taken two, once... and none twice.  Today, I need one.  Limited pain sites, but more potent pain from them.  Kidneys.  Yes, risks.  It is how it goes.  Later.

Still raining, and so dark.

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Midafternoon, cool, raining, and as mentioned quite dark.  If feels like late afternoon, has all day.  A shower has been taken.  The girls have been fed and treated.  I need to do more.  I wish to dry off a bit first, if with the rain, I'm not sure it matters.  I should have a rain slicker around somewhere.  Rain, rain, go away...

I am hungry, too.  Nothing really available.  Oh, cans of tuna, sardines, but that just doesn't work for main meals.  Well, and pots and pans are scarce.  It would be good, I could make something, if pots and pans were available.  I suppose there are things available.  Though, I must admit, I am thinking of getting rid of many post and pans.

I am thinking of removing all save a few smaller pots and a few pans.  I'll keep the good ones, get rid of the thin, tinny, ones.  The idea is to get to where not only do I have a limited number, but that for the most part they are smaller.  So, if really needed, I could get them all done in one or two small wash cycles.  A few dishpans would do all of my pots and pans.

Do I have the bravery, to get rid of some very pricey pans?  Or could I include them in what I keep, even if a little larger than I might absolutely prefer?  Just... thinking about some things.  The other thing is, if I got rid of them, but really wanted them back, there is no way I could afford them at this point.  Hmm... I may put the good ones up, get rid of the cheap/ugly/questionable ones... and, if I want them back, I could pull them back out of storage boxes... here at the house somewhere.

I best get to some things.  I have the laundry ready to start.  Then could put dishes up.  Chores need doing.  And I am really hungry, if I'm not sure what to do about it.  I did begin thawing meats, but that will take a fairly long time, a day or two, to be ready.  Bleh.

Later.

Late and in pain.

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I have certainly had worse though.  Just a constant, medium level, pain mostly in the midsection.  Guts, really.  A painkiller to start the day, and medicine.  Not a lot of pain, just... a lot of pain?  It hurts a little in many places.  It doesn't even add up to all that much, but it does make doing anything a bit of a cranky operation.  So... as mentioned, painpills.

Six days on medication.  It's going well.  I am still very tired.  I... have things to do, but am so tired so often that I forget, or am unable to do, those things.  Contacting friends, family, doing chores, cleaning, even getting showers in.  Though, too, it has been mostly dark for the last week.  Still overcast, and raining, today.  Wet, this last week, pretty much every day.  A bit unusual, just not too terribly so.  We often get rain, or snow, but usually a bit more spread out?  And often a bit earlier in the year?  Meh, I think fall is always up for grabs, as is spring, as to rain.  It has been good for sleep.

I have slipped.  Sleeping later and later.  I think, last night, it was after 01:30, perhaps later than 02:30?  Waking at 11:30.  I did set the alarm, the late one.  I have no idea what happened.  Did I just turn it off?  Did I hit the snooze until later turning it off, or maybe it just did it's available cycles and turned itself off.  I have no idea.  I do know, a few times, once around 07:00, then around 10:00, I did try to wake.  It is what it is.  I do my best.  Even when I woke, I had to crawl out, force myself to wake.  Do as well as I may.

Still... life is good.  Pain, weariness, discomforts galore... all good.  I remember to pray to God, thanking Him for the opportunity to know Him, and pray to Him, even... especially... through the pain.  Seems an odd prayer, but if you ever get to know Him, you will understand.  Even if I end up in hell, I will always pray to Him... believe it or else.  His... praiseworthiness isn't dependent on my salvation.

I best get things going.  I have several things needing done.  Good morning, day, and afternoon already too.  Get to it.  Later.

Such strange creatures.  They hate themselves, and the ones they love.  Until you understand, you can't.  Even when you do, you often won't.  Such strange creatures.

A few fall, and life, thoughts.

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I can't make my own videos, for many reasons.  So, I investigate those others have created.  Perfectly good, or well enough, for my beliefs and tastes.  Then I share those.  Here are a few, and quite good as fall settles in and winter approaches.  I'm not sure why they hit so strongly sometimes, but so be it.

The first is... well... food.  I am not, nor never will be... by choice... a vegetarian.  If needs be, so be it.  I would, if required, humbly, sadly, also be a cannibal.  No more than necessary, and hopefully never to the point of murder.  Odd though, how starvation, and teasing with foods, can turn one quite dark.  Never been to either stage, but have been hungry enough, that if food wasn't available elsewise, it could have been considered (even if I couldn't use those other foods, though which also meant I couldn't have used human meat... I just... couldn't eat anything, in spite of starving).  Thank God, and telling it as it is... was... may be.

Had to use the alarm.

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Down late, again.  But wanted to wake a bit earlier.  Not sure it was a success, as I was hoping.  But it did succeed, just not as well as supposed.  I skipped setting the early alarm, and a later alarm would have been out.  So I did set the 09:00 alarm.  I woke well enough, mostly.  Though thought the snooze bar would be good.  And, so, I used it right to the last one and a bit beyond.  I didn't wake, actually, until 09:43... three minutes after the last snooze had been hit and the alarm was done.

The odd thing is, i keep feeling like I had slept an hour between bars.  Though I never felt as if I rested much.  Even now, I am so very tired.  If I can't shake off sleep in the next hour, I'll have no choice but to return to bed, if not before.  It is as if I dreamed of hitting the snooze bar dozens of times, over many hours.  A dream echo of the events in my mind.  Horrible, actually.  Especially since, for most of them, and I couldn't tell which, I couldn't have awaken from them because I was dreaming them.

Will see if I can get something going today.  Trash out, chores, cat litter, a shower, laundry, dishes.  Bleh.  Assuming I stay up for very long.  I do have four days of medicine under the bridge.  Today is going on the fifth day.  I'll get something to drink, then get the start in.  I think more water pills though, at least to start off.  While what I am taking is keeping me static, I have quite a bit of fluid built up deep inside... more than I thought.  As I was clipping my toenails today, I noticed the huge indents on whichever ankle  and leg part were put up on the other.  Yea, I need to drain that swamp.  Four to six days of three to five water pills... it's a risk, but not without good reason.  The water, by itself, in my lungs and legs, can slow me down, weigh me down, exhaust and tire me.

Later.