Doing this and that.

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While mostly just gaming, while gaming I am doing more.  I am working the ankle, and knee.  Not... greatly?  But, from time to time, giving each a bit of some turning, lifting, stretching, and light twisting.  Flexing my foot, wiggling the toes, just... trying to give everything that hurts a bit of a push, pulls, and all.

I'm not doing it to severe pain, but I am pushing past the pain to some degree.  As well, I am leaning into the bruised hip.  Not... so much as to cause agony, but enough to stretch into pain a goodly bit.

Well?

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After more time on the phone than you might imagine, I... found some things out.  I got next appointment date, time, place, Dr.'s name, and contact info.  Then, the appointment following that.  But... had to call three different numbers to find things out about that.  Further, I changed the place, which required a change of date and time.  But... okay.

As to the last appointment, that I knew about?  It's on no record with anyone I called.  And anyone I might have had access, or any connections anyone knows about.  So... there is one appointment that has simply gone missing.

Nausea.

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Back.  Not from food, or such, this time.  Just from the various pains.  It's all adding up to create nausea.  Well, and dizziness, along with a few other things.  All I can do is suffer through it, for now.

I keep receiving calls, for more appointments.  It difficult to stay on top of these things.  One of the things I will need to call back about.  I have the time, and date, and address or roughly.  But I don't know what clinic, the name of the center, and it isn't one I would know.  I also don't have their phone number.  Radiology?  By why several towns over?

I have to admit, life is hurting.

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It's more than everything hurts, than that something hurts.  Both legs, the right ankle, hip, and knee, ribs, and other things.  Amost a suffocating sort of hurting.  Breathing is difficult, from the pains.  Headache, and the neck is finally starting to hurt.  That begin yesterday afternoon.  Plus a bit of a headache, from or with that?

Nothing is excessive, on it's own?  It's just a lot of pains.  Well, as long as I don't bump my hip, or stand wrong, or sit too fast.  Still, it's everything in combination that is really getting to me.

An hour earlier.

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Or so.  When recoverying, I simply need more sleep.  The first couple of days I slept even more.  Twelve hours last night.  Again, I did set the alarms.  Hoping to wake at four.  Actually, hoping to wake at two or three.  Couldn't do it this morning.  And knew that wrestling with the snooze bar would only frustrate me.  So, when it went off, I turned it off immediately.

However, I woke a bit before six, turned on the light, sat up, and shut the alarm down before it sounded.  It took me nearly the ten minutes before to finally get socks on, and get up.  Wearing pj's to bed, and had been wearing socks, but it got too warm.

Still awake.

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Very tired.  Rather stiff and sore.  Ribs aren't too bad today, for now.  I had to get out for a bit, and did.  But... the body is about to get worse.  And it feels so socld.  It was at least 46 out there.  But it's feels so much colder than that.

Night medicine, down.  As well, some painkillers.

Well, a start.

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A message to my primary.  A request from the attending physician.  Then a call to podiatry.  I was looking at the wrong paperwork.  The right paperwork did have a number to call, but just for podiatry, not for... the other.  But, that may have been a misunderstanding.  That may be a referal from that referal, if he feels the need.  Can't reember what it is called.

Still, I have called the two numbers I have.  Oh, and the appointment from wound treatment, for that first wound is setup.

Hurt?

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The knee, ankle, and hip... in that order?  Only when I stand or sit.  No "attempt".  If I mean to do it, I do it.  Though... I may not get up whilly-nilly, as I might have.  Still, It, mostly, only hurts when I do get up, or for a shot while after getting settled.  It is still true, truer than I thought it was going to be, after first thinking it was.  My ribs hurt more, from losing so much weight so fast, yet not quite being skinny yet.  That 'tweener stage is brutal.

Now, waking, getting off the mattresses, crawling over to a bench with which to help me life up off the ground, since one knee and angle is bum, and one side can't be flexed without absolute misery?  That... hurts.  And, yet, I am guessing that is probably as good as physical therapy as I can get?  Or... won't hurt in that deepartment.  Wait, it will hurt.  But that department... does hurt.

Yea?

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Look, I was graced with suffering, and pain.  And... I took it like any red-blooded American man, from my time, should.  Regardless of my... many troubles aside.  Pain, and being useless in the world, is... difficult.  I tried just about everything, save a great height.  Since nothing else worked, I feared becoming a broken... thing... or more broken.

You know it's a bruise?

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When they send you to physical therapy just for that.  The clot, in the middle?  I think it was 8 something cm?  The whole thing?  Much bigger.

No broken bones.  But they aren't sure about other things.  So the foot doctor, for something he will treat.  Or... maybe.

I... know it was her.

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Oh, yes.  I... know.

She tells me.  She... didn't want me to say it.

Not bad.

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From the bumps and such yesterday, not too bad today.  No extra pain, save two things.  The leg and knee are stiffer.  No serious swelling as I had feared.  But it's... limpy time.  However, the minor abrasion the on the side, that hadn't gone into the skin?  Well?  That side has a swollen mass the size of a softball, under the skin.  Burns.  Probably as much from the swelling as else.

I may call the VA, about an ER visit today.  We'll see.  Later.  I've never seen a swell like that, in all my accidents, incidents, and such.  As well, I'm slightly worried about my knee and ankle.  Sprain, break, twist... something.  Ugh.  Could have been worse.  Haven't looked at my face, yet, today.  Yet.  Ugly, nothing to look at.  So... but do want to see if any swelling is there.  Or... more swelling.  Bleh.

Well... for now, just some waking up.  Later.

Oh, ouch.

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Just did a do dinger.  Skinned my knee in two spots, left a goose egg under the bigger of the two dings.  As well, scraped my wrist in a couple of places, like as if skidded, and caught one patch, then a smaller patch.  Twisted my ankle something fierce, and fell on my side hard.  Could have been worse, much worse.  But... I'll survive.

My ribs still hurt more than any of all that.  And I don't think that hurt my ribs more.  We'll see tomorrow.  It really might bite me then.  Oh, and broke my glasses.  They weren't my best glasses, but my second best.  Not happy.  And... I may try to fix them.  Oh well.

I really didn't want to...

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No, the dishes I wanted to empty and remove.  To take a shower.  Which, I also wanted to do.  It's the scale.  I didn't want to step on it.  Last time I stepped on it, say... four days ago?  Did I list it?  I weighed 238.6.  Up from my low of 235.x... some week or two before.

I plateaued, and worse, had started gaining.  Nothing felt different.  Sure, I was getting rid of fluid.  But, by physical indications, I am only half way through that process.  I... really wanted to wait, a few days, get more water out.  But... no... I was naked, to shower, decided to just eat the bullet.

A bit of a fuss.

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I was a bit grumpy, and angry about having to provide so much information... when it was they who called me.  But giving out that much information is not wise, either, anyway.  But, sore, tired, unhappy with that, I got angry.  A few days ago.

They called my primary, and asked to cancel me.  So, my primary contacted me.  I explained my fuss.  They gave me a number to call, so I called.  But they were busy, and busy, and busy, so I never got through.  It was lunch, that happens.  I got a call back today.  Saying they had tried to call me.  But... they hadn't.  I've been awake, my phone is open, and I have recieved no calls.  But I did say I would call again, and did.

Awake, late?

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Yes, both to recent norms, and by when I went to bed.  Must have needed the sleep.  Down at 17:30, hard.  The last bit of gaming totaled me.  Waking and getting up at 3:30.  In better shape?  Well, for now.  But I feel the ribs beginning to whine.  Now, it does look like, between compression hose and water pills, water is... if not leaving the body yet, is vacating the feet.  Not all gone, yet.  But... going.  Another day or two, I am hoping it will be in better trim.  Using old, larger, socks.  Will use newer, smaller, socks when I... can fit them.

Blood sugar is 101 fasting.  Weekly, biweekly, and monthly averages are 106, 124, and 139.   That last?  Is about the A1C from my last visit ~6.5.  Today's reading is around an A1C of 5.1...  Getting there.  I think I have enough blood sugar test strips to last to the end of the month.  Then I'll have to buy more myself.  At least for a while.  I want to monitor it, stay on track.  Especially when trying to add a few foods back.

I finished the game.

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Not... that I am done with the game.  And... I didn't beat the game.  Solo?  I doubt it is possible.  Personally?  I just don't think so.  If it weren't for blind coop, having people basically carry me through?  There is no way I would have done it.  Just forcing coop.

Still, the first playthrough is... about... learning parts of the game, finding and sorting gear, and... such.  Even on the easiest mode, it is basically too difficult for most players.  It just is.  I'm a decent player.  But... am aging, and am not... the best, never was.  Just... reasonable player, good enough for this level.  Or... was.

A nice day.

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I had decided, even if it got to 50, I wouldn't open up today.  Just... feeling cold.  The trash truck went buy, emptied my barrel.  An UPS truck delivered something.  So, eventually, I got out, got the package, then brought the barrel back in.  Then, while feeding Sassy a bit later, I checked the temp.  58!  I... can do that.  I opened up the back spaces, just the windows.

Forgot to turn the furnace off, but got to that a half hour after.  Close enough.  I need to get the windows upstairs open.  Just... the ribs hurt so terribly.  But... just... I'll get to it.

Very strange.

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Did get the trash out, and something extra.  Sassy is being fed, her litter and water tended.  And, was redoing water.  I had one last jug.  It had been cleaned, then left to purify, in hot water.  Not boiled, but at 170, say, and contained, closed, for overnight, I count that as probably sanitized.

So, I finished that, but needed to run water.  I did that.  But, water was showing over 880 particles?  The usual high is 440 with it often running in the mid 200s.  Now, it could be the machine, but the water DID look different as I filled the reservoir.  Bubbly, extra white, strange.  Not sure if something, along the system, got flushed?  Or if there is some problem in the line, here or else?  Or... as I mentioned, perhaps it was just the machine (if the water does look... strange).

A good sleep.

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A fine awakening.  Down at 16:30, awake at midnight... well... five to.  I stayed down until 1:30, with some effort.  Finally had to wake, get up, get going.  I left the window open a solid crack, say a third, quarter, the way up.  It was 56, outside, when I went to bed.  But a cold 56?  Strange how 46 can seem warmer than some 56 F days, nights.

The air was good.  Fresh, nice.  Then I shut it about when I woke up.  Give or take fifteen minutes?  Memory, while sleeping, even right when waking, is... cloudy.  Still, got a better night sleep, with fresh air coming in.  And, strangely, it was warmer.  Usually it is 59, lately, up there.  With the window open?  64.  Though, maybe, even with the door shut, it pulls heat up and through?  Don't know.

Doing good.

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I feel like I have been run over by a semi.  But, blood sugar is... incredible.  It dropped from 122 fasting, to 95 just now.  And the weekly, biweekly, and monthly averages are 108, 128, and 140.  I was starting to think insulin was permanently out of control.

I had corrected it.  Twice before.  Then... just... blundered back into old eating, and drinking, habits.  I didn't think it would correct, this time.  Took a LOT more effort.  And, it wasn't just dissatisfaction with my food.  But real pain.  I'm still hurting.

Midnight thirty.

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Well, when I awoke.  Tried to stay it.  Only made it to one.  Fine.

Sassy was fed, first thing.  She didn't get much food yesterday?  I think she only got one can.  Usually I feed her two.  Oddly, she didn't fuss much.

Absolutely bushed.

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No idea why.  I slept well, long enough... seven hours.  Usually six to eight hours is enough.  Save... when it isn't, then I have no choice but to sleep longer.

I wondered if blood sugar had spided, for no good reason.  Nope, it's 88?  Crazy low number.  And that is with some of my food.  Well, that was eaten several hours before the 99 reading.  Just water since.  But that doesn't alwasy mean much.  But... it does this time.

With people not adding sugar, and else, to my food, I am doing fine.  Why do I say that?  Because, I'm not doing anything different from when it was staying higher.  My body wouldn't, one day, react well with my foods, and on another react poorly.  That's just not how it works.  I honestly wonder if the VA just sends sugar pills, literally, half the time.  Shave those costs, you know.

With blood sugar being this low, I would think I would begin losing weight again.  Though... as mentioned, I best stop eating the pickled meats.  I think, somehow, that is causing water retention.  I'm not sure how much salt they use, or if they, officially, list that.  Either way, I need to cut that down to two to three times a week.  And smaller portions.  I have cut portions, but will cut them more.

I'll feed Sassy one last time, then go on to bed.  Her water is fresh, her litter boxes are cleared, or were this morning, yesterday morning, and for a week or two back?  Might have missed one day.  But... doing better lately.

Sleep should help with the aches and pains, in my body.  I'll keep the alarms set for four and six, but hope to be up around midnight to two.  One can hope.  Good day and goodnight.

Dairy arrived.

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Usually not this much, but a tub of sour cream, and I am trying their sweet butter.  Plus my usual of sweet raw whole whipping cream.  I noticed the internet is lying about cream, now.  Saying it has twice as many carbs as it should.  And, finding the real data, as I used to be able to do, is no longer possible.

In one sense, that's a good thing.  It means people are turning their back on big ag, and it's hurting so much they are censoring real information, putting in false, and hopefully going bankrupt doing it.  They are trying to suggest, too, that a tablespoon of the stuff is 80 calories, not the 55 it really is.

Good, but...

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Down at 20:30?  Or so.  Always some give or take.  When stretching my day, the end of the day becomes fuzzy, as to memory.  But about then.  Awake at two thirty, if I didn't crawl out until three.  Just a slower start.  Which... was okay.  I had, this time, set the alarms for four and six.  The goal, as always, is to be up before those go off.  I... hate alarm clocks.  The sound, the sensation of being pulled from sleep mechanically, everything about them.  I... like what they offer.  Or the dream of what they can offer?  If they worked, regularly, for me, I'd have a regular day.  They are more a hope than a reality for me.  Part of why I hate them?  Angry at my fate.

Still, up.  Awake, this day.  No need to fuss or be sad, about life.  Not on this day.

Not bad.

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I crashed so fast and hard, I forgot to set the alarms.  Which... worked.  I had been planning to set them around four and six.  If the goal was to wake up before they went off.  Which... I did, if without setting them.  Awake at two.  I took my time getting out of bed.  A leisure no human can deny, unless they have to get going.  But, if allowed?  A slow, gentle, waking is... truly luxurious.  Doesn't matter what time.

Good sleep, which I mostly got.  A slow wake up period.  All good.  I prefer to pop out of bed, mostly because I often am still tired, and hate the process.  But if I slept well, and feel rested, then a slow waking period is nice.  I just haven't had good sleep for most of the last thirty seven... thirty eight... years.  So, ripping the bandaid off, and just popping up, when possible, is what I did.  Or... just kept sleeping after trying to escape slumber.

A bit of help.

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I had forgotten that help was arriving.  Thankfully, they texted to check.  I checked, if the time and date was correct, and that was today in the afternoon.  Affirmative.  So, I said yes, showered, got dressed appropriately, and was ready.  I had a few types of various knives and box openers.  Short work.  I forgot a few, but mostly got what was in this room, and other places, taken care of.

Rather than cinching a belt down, to look like... a bum?  I wore suspenders.  I bought a few new pair.  I'll wear these for good.  The old set, that is a bit stretched, bent a bit, and such?  I'll keep those for my cargo pj's.  Or other items, that are mostly just for around the house.

As the world turns.

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Do they still have daytime dramas?  I remember, when I was out sick, for a week.  Watched a few of them during the day.  I'm not sure if that was one of them.  All I know is it took a whole week to... get absolutely nowhere.  Something happened, or was about to happen, and they... just talked about it.  The whole week was about people finding out what happened, how it happened, and being told secrets or lies about what happened.  Well, and bring up stuff for three years before?

It was television hell, for me.  Fever, chills, sore throat, sniffles, a cough, body aches, and such.  School didn't want me.  Nothing else I could do.  Couldn't sleep all the time.  I realized, really, that is how women think, what they like, it's all about knowing every body else's business.  Or... those in their circles, and maybe one step, or two, out... in case something out there might become involved with their circles.

Improvements.

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I ended up awake all the way to 16:30?  Give or take a quarter.  I was so fried when I went to bed that the last numbers of the time are fogged out.  I, again, awoke at 20:00.  This time I did an assessment, to sort out why I was awake.  Cold.  I was cold.  Probably why I have been waking at that time lately.  It's when the world hereabouts shifts from spring like days to winter night temps.  And... I feel it.

So, I checked the blankets.  They were well placed.  So, I turned the electric blanket on, then tried to get back to sleep.  Check.  Not a lot more, but I did sleep to midnight.  Good enough.

14:30

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Awake.  Calls?  Lost my voice around noon.  Realized it was after I had planned to call, so thought about calling after lunch, say 13:30?  Couldn't talk by then.  I am too tired to speak.  And what comes out sounds like gravel, spoken by... a slow individual.  Can still type at speed.  Just... can't talk.

Just... continued to game.  Nothing fancy, just tinkering.  Trying to find a dungeon, in a zone, in a particular region.  Hmm, my blind shots aren't working.  I may need to see... where connecting regions are, for what I am seeking.  So that I have a better idea of where to go, or to know when I find it.  Or... maybe.  Just because connection zones are there, it doesn't mean what they often lead to is there as well.  Frustrating.

Still awake.

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Trying to stay awake for... a while longer.  Would like to check on a few appointments, and... see how the making of some others is coming along.  I... fell behind on those.  But there were so many.  I did get some of them going, but... just too much.  I overload quickly, easily, when they try to put too much on me.  Though... I think I'll skip the cardiologist.  All he can do is watch me die.  He can't fix anything.  And all of his remedies are things I wouldn't accept.  Heart transplant?  That would guarantee my death within four to six years, assuming the "medicine" I would be required to start didn't get me first, and assuming they didn't just off me right their on the table.  They have been trying for ages.

I will let them check the kidneys.  But, as mentioned, those are improving.  A lot.  Just... to... take a look.  Again, I won't allow them to put me on medication, or do procedures.  They have greens fees and club dues, but not on my health.  Just... a check see.  Maybe another in a year, or six months.  Then we are done.  I wouldn't mind getting optometry and the other one set up locally.  But, again, and with those?  One or two, then done.  Unless something changes.

Benefits of gaming?

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First?  If I am gaming, I am not sleeping.  Can't do much, physically.  But can do this.  There has to be a lot of feedback, input, and stimulus.  Or I just... won't stay awake.  Even reading will simply put me to sleep.  I have tried.  And, on my favorite topics, to learn things, and in fiction forms.  I... just can't read much, for long.  My mind just shuts off.  Same with watching shows, too.  Most of them are so... simple.  It's easy to see what is going to happen.  Dull.  And, it takes them a week to get to the simple point, which is usually wrong, anyway.

But this game?  Every single thing is a puzzle.  Some of them I can figure out, others I have to look up.  Some puzzle solutions are easy enough to implement.  Others have to applied over time, through actions.  It's... good for the brain.

An odd day.

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Down at about ten, up at twenty hundred, no choice, either way.  I fell so had to sleep, then woke, or my body did.  I wanted to sleep longer, no real good in trying.  I've learned that recently, again.  I've been... trying to taste from that soup for most of my adult life.  When it's bed time, that's it.  When my body wakes up, that too is it.

Blood sugar is... better.  It is 118 fasting?  Why?  I have no idea.  The only thing I have changed is having pickled meats, just a bit, per day.  But will be backing that off, to preserve those... make them last a few months.  The goal is to make a jug, last a month, or really, two of those gallon containers, one of each type, last two months.  So I can mix and match, don't get bored.

Bedtime.

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What time did I get up yesterday?  Well, awake at 14:00, out of bed at 15:00... or so I wrote.  It's just hitting eleven, and I am about to close up shop.  That was a very long day.  Trying... to get back to days.  Trying.  If I could sleep longer, perhaps.

Nothing much.  It's 36 and raining, or drizzling.  Sleep should be wonderful.  Sassy has been fed well.  Even so, I'm not letting her sleep upstairs.  She'll begin bugging me as soon as she gets just a touch of hunger, so in six hours.  No.

Gaming along.

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I attempted to do some business today.  The thing is, without my debit card... which should have arrived?  I can't pay, for example, my utility bill.  There are a few other pieces of business that must wait until that arrived.  I had hoped it would be in, when I went yesterday.

I did pull the barrels in.  And... it was recycling.  While driving through town, to pick up the package, I saw four other recycling bins out.  But I saw eight with only trash barrels out.  So... I wasn't sure.  But it was done.  And, it did work out.  I thought so, for some reason.  Which doesn't make it so, or not.

Better, but early?

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Such a... strange day.  Down around seven or eight?  If I remember right.  Up at 15:00?  Awake, really, more around 14:00, just... wanted to sleep more, so tried to force it.  No go with that.  I just... surrendered to the fact that I was awake just now.  Well, half an hour ago now.

It looks so wintery, in spite of the snow being off the ground, down here in the valley anyway.  But it was 52, when I checked.  Very... nice... very nice.  Almost tempted to open up, but I don't trust it.  It could go cold, hard cold, very fast, out there.  Something... about the cast and look of the day I just don't trust.  But... it was pleasant for just a bit.

Something feels awful.

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I did eat a bit, tonight.  Did a bit of work.  But am feeling really wrong.  Too full, somehow.  I didn't eat all that much, either.  And, food started tasting bad.  I just couldn't... like my favorite foods.

My ribs and back feel bad too.  Just... wrong.

Nothing fancy, but... a few things.

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It realized it was getting later.  I had to get trash out, plus recycling.  As well, I needed to pick a package up from the post.  I... got all trash and recycling out.  Cleaned out the fridge, first.  And cleaned the litter boxes, and took the duty bag to the trash as well.  Then I got to the post office and pulled the item.  It arrived Saturday?  Okay.  They had it in the largest box.  So I am sure they will be happy to see it empty come Monday.  That's probably in high demand.

I set up dishes, too.  Not a lot.  Just what had been in the works, and the glass pot.  I had beef soup in it, in the fridge.  It... was... definitely not edible.  It didn't smell terrible.  But I didn't want to touch it.  Sometimes luck is not with a guy.  I just washed really well.  But, thankfully, it really doesn't smell terrible.  Strange, but always happy for some small favors, fortuitous events, and such.

Gah!

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Sometimes, without wanting to, I sleep for sixteen hours.  Actually, I never want that.  Sometimes I simply have no choice.  I try to wake, but it doesn't work.  I do come to consciousness, but not strongly enough to get out of bed.  Just... to notice how long I have been asleep.  Sort of rare, but it happens when I push things.

Though, when I want to, try, to sleep extra long?  No dice.  Even a few more hours would have been good.  But my body was awake, and that was that.  There is no returning to sleep when that happens.  And, so it is, that I was awake around 21:30.

Noon ought nine?

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Not sure that is correct.  But I'm running with it.  Nine after, is the idea.  Not sure I labeled it correctly, but I... don't care.

I am going to try to stay up a bit longer.  To 13:30?  15:30?  Something.  We'll see.  But I am closing the door.  Sassy has been problematic lately.  Hmm... or maybe I'll go on to bed early.  To be up in time to get trash and recycling out.  I would like to do it now, but I can barely walk.  It's the end of the day, and really, the day ended, functionally, a few hours ago.  I'm just slogging through.  Just killing waking time, not... doing anything.

A lot of music.

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I... may do more, later.  It's been piling up.  And... I like the notion.  Her?  A her?  Maybe.  Some of my friends chuckle at my notions.  Others... suspect there might be something to them?  I don't know.  Don't care.  Just... the... songs fit... something.  So I began collecting them.  But so many.

Just three, this time.  From a while back.  I had collected these.  Then just never posted them.  but they keep cycling.  Which... is unusual.  I rarely see a song more than a few times a year, if it's an oldy... one I used to view a lot or a little.

19:30

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I actually stayed up until 13:30.  Not out of will, out of procrastination?  Just so weary that I couldn't get to bed, or do anything else, quickly?  Along those lines.  Just six hours down.  I'd rather still be asleep, out of will.  But my body woke, and took me with it.  It... has some things it wants to do.

Trash out.  Dishes set up.  Laundry reset, started, going.  Hoped projects, chores, duties, whatever.  And, maybe, some food.  I thawed steak and burger.  I had thawed burger, but that was... no longer any good.  Not a true waste, as I didn't eat anything in the interim.  So... in a way... it was in reserves.  Since I ate nothing else, in a way, it wasn't wasted.  Sometimes I just can't eat.

I made it to noon thirty.

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.

That's as good as it will get.  I am absolutely crushed by exhaustion.  Should sleep well.  Long?  I can hope.  The goal is to sleep until one or two.  I... just can't push my days and nights around, or quickly.  I'll probably never be able to, in this life.  Those days are long gone.  Slow and easy.  Though, easy come, easy go?

Heart medicine, once we got on the right stuff, and titrated up or down as needed by this or that?  Has helped me keep my schedule better, more often, for longer.  But... extremely hot or cold weather... or too much demand... appointments, social, shopping, or such?  And I crash, burn, and lose my grip on a regular schedule.  The bad heart, kidneys, and liver won't let me have a full life, or keep a schedule.  The closer I get to one, the further I get from the other.  Though... sometimes it just doesn't matter.

Trying to push through.

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.

I didn't wake until... 18:30, or around then.  It's 8:43.  I will try to push through the day, again.  Back to 18:30... as late as 20:00, if possible.  It's going to be a difficult day.  But, trying to recapture days.  Had it... for a day.  Two?  Then it all went to hell.  I pushed too hard, too fast, for too long.  So... I'm... pushing more.

It does worry me a bit.  Things could break.  The heart could get damaged, or just stop.  No risk, no reward?

Someone saying something?

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Had to laugh.  Someone thinks they know something, and thinks they think something.  I won't say right or wrong, only... I... get their point.

It isn't just the women I have dated?  Hmm...  Had to laugh.

Wow, I was tired.

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I didn't get to bed until two.  Just... couldn't.  Since I was still up, two hours after my "carnivore snack", I decided to test blood sugars.  I feared it had gone up, being that I was eating late.  It... often... does that.  And I pigged out a bit.  Or... by my new standards.

Blood sugar had been 131, so I was expecting, say, 140 to 150?  Nope.  It was 115.  Nice.

Did a little research.

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Looking for a... fast carnivore snack.  Found an answer.  Many, but only one that (might) work for me.  Fried pork rinds, dipped in sour cream.  I wasn't sure about the pork rinds.  I've had that bucket of them, if unopened, but for... two years?  They got set aside and forgotten.  I was sure they would be sour, old tasting, perhaps out and out rancid.

Nope.  All good.  And I had sour cream from my last order.  So I grabbed a small plate of those, and a big dab of sour cream, then got to it.  Dull, actually.  Not... horrible.  Just plain.  Very, very, plain.  Still, I got it down.  And it did handle my hunger.  And it is carnivore.

I'll have to think of something else to add to that.  Perhaps cream, onion and garlic powder, a bit of salt, possibly some other spices and/or herbs.  Sort of make a carnivore* ranch dressing.  *For carnivores who allow spices, herbs, and dairy, which I do minus milk.

In my searching, I found a suggestion for using LMNT, a flavored electrolyte mix, for flavoring something.  That... didn't interest me.  However, earlier, I watched a video about how to make pemmican.  Now... pemmican, with just fat and dried powdered meat?  Is blander than what I had.  So, I was thinking... what if you added flavored electrolyte powder (not necessarily LMNT) into the pemmican?  That... could be good.  Now, LMNT has flavors most don't have, like chocolate.  Which might be interesting to try in a really small batch.  But, raspberry, blueberry, and other berries, would be fantastic, especially if that didn't have any carbs.

So, yeah.  I purchased a fairly decent batch of shredded jerky, on a pretty good price, with the 'right' ingredients.  For this, I just haven't gotten to it.  So... now all I have to do is find better tallow, and some sort of flavored electrolyte.  It's easy as pie to make.  Have to do maffs!  For an 80/20 fat/protein ratio, find how much jerky you are using, multiply that by four... to get the protein calories.  Then, figure out how much fat is neede to make that 20% to a full 100%.  Then, divide that by nine, to get the weight of the tallow that is needed.  The rest is grinding the jerky a bit, to a near powder, melting the fat (and probably adding the electrolyte powder to that), then finding a pan of some sort that will handle the various volumes, and fit in the freezer.  I have a drop in, so that shouldn't be a problem.  Then... waiting.

It'll cost a few dollars per bar.  But... yeah.  I'd like to try the chocolate, but would like to taste that alone (in water that is), and in other small things, before committing.  But I'm hoping they have some berry flavors.  Again, to be tasted first.  Won't be a really strong flavor, most likely.  But will just... add... a little something.  Potentially.

How is that for mixing and matching?  A bar would have helped tonight.  If... I could tolerate it.  On to bed, finally.  With... a less growly, grumpy, stomach.  I just didn't think I'd sleep well without it.

----------

Not LMNT.  Their ten pack of single use packets are $45, or $39 if you sign up for automatic ordering.  Ugh.  No.  That's $4.50 per single dose.  If you have a ton of dough, and like what you like, there you go.  Here's your ticket.  I'll hard pass on that.  I'd do a dollar dose, if they were any good.  But untasted?  They say zero question returns.  But, there is shipping, both ways, on me.  And the trouble, hastle, and possibly hidden hoops and hurdles not indicated.  So... I'll... find something else.  But the idea is solid.  Now goodnight.

A bit tired.

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Up too late.  I did attend an invitation.  Ate dinner while there.  Talked.

Stories.  Believed, or not, is not my worry.  Both ways.  So it goes.

Awake, mostly, and well.

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.

Still a bit of a sleepy head.  Not so tired it hurts.  Drags, a bit... like trying to paddle a boat with a small anchor dragging bottom.  It hasn't, proverbially, dug in, or become entangled.  It just... makes efforts more difficult.

Oh, ouch.

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Down at 20:00, and... something... less than a decade to more than a score?  By a bit, either way.  Before the thirty mark, though, I believe.  I set the alarms for six and eight.  I woke a bit before six, but there was no way I was waking then.  So I shut that off before it went off.

Then, at around seven thirty, I woke again.  Still feeling rough, I almost shut off the eight alarm.  But... I stayed my hand, will... thinking on it.  I woke again, at seven fifty six.  Still feeling rough, but I wanted to make a stab at just getting up.  But... I didn't want to hear that stupid alarm!

Up late, and out again.

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I had been going to bed around nine.  But, yesterday I had an appointment at 8:30.  And I had a bunch of business to do.  Since I couldn't nap, I ended up staying up until... I don't know when, and not sleeping that night.  Then, calls woke me.  I'm turning the phone off tonight.

Then, I... had made plans with a friend, to go out to dinner.  To try the other keto pizza place.  I checked blood sugar before this meal.  Then about two hours after returning home.  It was 134 before, 220 after.  That pizza is NOT keto.  I didn't do a before, test, at the other place.  But the after was 154.  So, if the start was similar, which it may have been, that is a bump I can handle.  But the 220 is not.

However, I have to try it again.  Or... not.  It is excessively expensive.  Double what a regular pizza costs.  I'm just not seeing it.  It was very good.  Mind you.  Both were very good.  But between the blood sugar spike with the one, and the price with both... no.

I have both pickled pork hocks (boneless, all meat and fat), pickled turkey gizzards (which really are delicious, and both are completely carnivore friendly, and a little different), as well as garlic and halapeno stuffed olives arriving.  Might have to try the anchovie stuffed olives.  While the olives aren't carnivore, they... are my keto allowances, from time to time.  Though, the anchovies would make a happier medium, if I could tolerate them.

Beyond dinner, I got my hair cut.  My friends wife type does that, and she felt okay about working with me.  So... I got it.  A high and tight, with long hair in the middle.  Longer.  It's... not really long.  Cleaned, and leaner looking?  A... bit different.  Silver hair, and a younger mands "do".  Whatever, I like it.

Then, I was telling him costco hadn't sent my card!  He said I had to go in, get a picture taken, and they'd make it, and it'd be ready right then.  So... we did, and it was!  Who knew!  And, later, we did some minor shopping there.  I don't think I bought anything, it was just... Well, I did look at steaks, and a few other things, but no buying currently.  I still have quite a lot.  Another month or three of feed?  Maybe.

But, I did get coffee, of the sort I like.  And found out that a sister store, to the one I go to in one town, also has my preferred brand of coffee.  They only had one dark roast, but it was very good.  Smelled... like coffee, not a bunch of pumpkin spices.  Ugh.  Coffee coffee, thank you!  Butter, just a smaller pack.  And... lots of water, two lots of black olives, which were on sale, and yogurt.  Nice.  I think that was everything I wanted, and needed.

We did a few other things.  He can't really do actual work, other than driving a plow.  So, with the weather being fair, we could do some running for work and fun.  It's good to see real people, in person, from time to time.  And his wife and I spoke more than... three words this time.  She is usually painfully shy.  But, at work, she is... in her element?  But, she is good with the scissor and sheer.  I'll say that.  Some aren't.  Some should be let go rather quickly.  She is... good.  Very good.  And it isn't as easy as it looks, I must admit.

Might as well push through to later evening.  Try to push my nights back to nights?  Try.  I have something coming up soon.  In the afternoon.  Ugh.  I'm... trying.  Doing fairly well, really.  Anyway.  A very good day.  And a warm one.  It was at least 40 F out there.  I don't think it clocked 50, but maybe closer than further?

On to gaming.  Later.

I... sense something.

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Questions?  Eternal.  Oh... no worries.  I have them myself.  Which is why I was... a sort of atheist for longer than you could imagine.  Was it pride, or strength, which kept me from seeing?  Hearing?  Finding.  I was seeking.  For I knew what I had heard, led to believe, was false.  But I was sure there was a truth.  I was eating of it when it... helped me understand.  If too?  That is... what it wanted.  Take this, eat of it.

A few troubles.

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The leg is hurting, the wound.  From walking all over today, plus the shower and bandaging are doing their things... debriding the wound site.  Walking speeds that up, by grinding the packing, leg movement, and else.  Getting a bunch of things done is good, but there are various prices.

Was getting so many calls, and texts, and such, while sleeping.  Trying to sleep.  My mother had called twice.  I answered the last time, but her call didn't go through.  So, I called her back, but my call went directly to voice messaging.  I'm still not sure if she is tinkering with her phone, or someone who hates her.  She... would do it... because.  Or she gets angry.  Or... such.  Others, there, might do it because she is otherwise on the phone all the time.  Jealousy?  Some old folk, especially those with no children?  Can be harshly hateful, jealous, devious, evil.

A lot of things.

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I couldn't sleep, or I wouldn't have gotten up.  I had an appointment today, blood work, at the doctor office.  LOTS of blood work, sixteen I think he said.  Plus a urinalysis, but I wasn't able to go.  I had to go at like five thirty, six.  But I held it.  I think it was the cold.  Hit me like a brick.

I had other things to do in town, so I had hoped to be able to go sometime during the day, and could return.  But, no.  It just didn't work.

Hmm?

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Yes, still alive.  Just... was busy gaming.  Mostly in coop, but sometimes, about half the time?  Solo.  Trying out the next version of the game.  Not sure it's doable.  Definitely not solo, not at the start.  Sure, they say so-and-whozitz is playing solo, and on the hardest setting!  But, what they don't tell you, is someone, or a group, got them decked out first.  THEN they did solo.  Or they just die every other step, and don't mind.

Now, some things, over time, you can sort out.  The "elites", mini-bosses, on the regular map, is what I call them.  You... probably won't figure out all of them, not on your own.  Coop peeps, online stuff.  Though y.t. has nothing of any real worth most of the time.  I am beggining to suspect the company polices y.t. of any good content, because they want to see their own guide book, which usually doesn't.  And, because they want the frustration.

Surprised.

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I had a two pack of thin steaks.  I used one... three days ago?  Four?  Then had another steak, but only ate half, finishing it the following day.  Did I go a day without food in there?  Maybe.  You'd be surprised how easy that is on the carnivore food plan.  Sometimes I literally just forget to eat.  It just never crosses my mind.  Or... I don't want to cook, or clean, or... anything.  So... I don't.  And it's no skin off my nose, if maybe some weight off the middle?  Sometimes.

Anyway, there was one left in the fridge.  I didn't even wrap open the packaging.  Just put it in the fridge.  If the other steak was further along into the opened package.  But, I didn't think it would be good.  Sniff test, looked it over for... ANYTHING.  Nope, look, touch, and smell told me it was still good.

Fifteen?

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Thousand.  This is, exactly, the 15,000th post.  Just... for your information.  And mine.  I... wasn't paying attention.  I just happened to be looking at the control panel, or whatnot, and noticed 14,999.  Then... noticed what it was about.  Okay.  That's... a lot of posts.  Babbling bs?  Whatever a cave man could have put on his walls, if he had letters, back in the day.  More true than any newspaper.  At least presented as honestly as possible.

Rained all night, off and on.  Was 54, last I looked, so I opened the window beside me.  Slept like a baby.  This morning it started snowing just as I looked out, here.  But in... large clumps, a heavy snow.  And it is down to 31.  The hush that falls over the world when that happens?  Wonderful.

Up a... little longer.

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I was going to go to bed at about 2:30.  Then, I... thought I would... check about something?  And... here it is, 4:30.  Still, earlier than some other recent days?  Right.

I had an okay run.  But no one else is playing this late.  Or no one close enough for the links to work?  But it is an old game.  There is that.

Oh, ouch.

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This game is killing me, perhaps literally.  Though what doesn't kill you?  It doesn't always make you stronger.  Or... any other good thing.  It doesn't even make you wiser.  Then again, stressing, a bit, is probably better than not?  I'm never sure about some things.  Exposure to germs?  Eating questionable food?  Stressing maximally playing a game?  They might be good for you, or bad for you... or it might just... be which time?  Exposure creates resistances, strengths, tolerances.  But can be lethal.  All about dose, and do you really know... what the dose any given time is?  Or even dose compared to your capacities?

Anyway.  But, yes.  I finally found the place and encounter I needed, went online and put out a general invite for coop.  Got a taker.  And made it through, plus suceeded in the thing.  Impossible, I think, to do alone.  Even if you can do it alone, it's... too much stress.

Ugh, stupid game.

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There is supposed to be a way to do smaller side portions of the main areas.  It suggests it can be set up.  But it's looking like just another random generator.  Worse?  It seems to echo itself.  I mean, rather than being greatly different from re-roll to re-roll, it's... nearly the same with only minor differences.

There is just one quest that I entered, without knowing it.  I failed, or part of it.  But after running through the small section portion, so I don't lose the whole game save... in which I am nearly completed, I have not even seen a thing like what I am looking for, and not even a new boss.  I did find one new area, two?  But they were on the same map.  The rest is pretty much just ending up like the one from before.  The boss changes that do happen are bosses I have already beat, dungeons I have already been in.  Ugh.

An ugly beauty.

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Just waking at 14:00... and change.  How much?  I can't say.  I got to some things, but around a quarter after?  Something.  Not sure when I went to bed though.  It was after six.  Ten minutes after, or three hours after, I can't say.  But I would guess a half hour to two hours later, as closer probable times.  Slept well.  But I am achy, from sitting in the chair I realize.  It's... a hard, oak, Amish made, kitchen chair.  Beautiful, solid, but not made for long sits.  Only old fools who can't figure things out end up sitting for twelve to fifteen hours in one, playing a console game.  Double ugh.  I... should... figure something else out.

As to the uly beauty?  It's the day.  Overcast, blustery, rained through the night off and on.  So the snow is mostly gone, but greenery hasn't quite yet come back.  So, it's... that ugly spring/fall looking day.  But, it's 50!  Wind and gusts are UP.  But... at that temp?  I said I would open the house, turn off the furnace, and let it run.  And it is running!  Oh, so needed a bit of a clearing.  Maybe it will pull me out of the lethargy?

Crap..

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I spent all night trying to find an "event", that I just found out is random.  It may or may not be on your playthrough.  No boss, or event, or dungeon, is guaranteed.  There are five or six variations of each, and only, say, two to four might show up.  I was sure I had it, at once.  But I must have rerolled.  I know what the entrace looks like.  So spent all "night" looking for something that just wasn't there.

I did find out that... the maps and such make zero sense.  That getting around is terrible.  It's... a minor flaw, but too, part of how the game works.  It's like complaining about the lever on a lever action rifle, or boobs on... well... you know.  As with those things, generally worth the hastle, so.  :p

I just couldn't sleep.

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Still can't.  Why?  Not sure.  It was like I was too cold and too warm, both at the same time.  Contrary?  In the body of a contrarian?  Go figure.  It didn't feel like illness.  Blood sugar is still too high, and not coming down well.  Or very fast.  Not sure if that is it, or it's something else.  Annoying though.

So, up, playing.  Just sent my secondary 'toon through about... three of four dungeons, bosses, and events.  One I had sorely been trying to find again, but more on my main.  Still, it's nice to have that, and I looked around at the map, hoping it would be similar to my map.  But, no, sadly.  Even the main maps are differently, re-roll of a game to the next.  So I'll just have to clear the area(s), and find the place to go.

That was a excellent steak.

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Fried, in duck fat.  Seared, well, with a bit of crust, and hot, on the outside.  Rare most of the thickness.  I didn't have the patience to salt it for an hour, or set it out.  Even so, that was a fine meal.  I could only eat half, but that's okay.  Food is made for tomorrow.

A bit more gaming.  Solo, with my side 'toon.  I wanted to see just how far I could go using that one.  A boss, that I've had difficulty before, in groups. And a few minor zones, and a few dungeons.  I... didn't stop until later than intended because it was so smooth!  But, both of my 'toons now have some fairly powerful, potentially later game, "traits".  In cooping, with strangers, I've gotten some useful things.  That makes, at least lower level stuff I have been doing, cake.

Quite the gaming.

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Wow.  I haven't ever played coop, or otherwise, with other players.  Mostly.  Perhaps a few times in my life, and rarely good.  But, this is good.  With a player who knows how to play, though too with vocals.  Talking over the game, so we can figure things out.  I was almost at the point where I wasn't going to play.  It's not, at all, a solo game.

As is, my main 'toon is a third the way leveled, and my secondary is about a fifth of the way.  But, that is playing on the lower base tier of difficulty, on the lowest setting.  Not sure I can do much more difficult.  Not sure there is room for more than middling play, that I would enjoy.

13:00?

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Noon thirty?  Some time in there.  It's only a quarter after.  But morning times moves strangely, and I have done a half dozen small chores already. Cleaned out the pan, from the lard.  Found the duck fat, got it out and ready.  Got water heating, coffee ground and then brewed, then doctored it.  Cleared the litter boxes.  And... other things.  Did a pretty good little shot, in short order.  Even put an upcoming appointment where I'll see it, know it coming.  Not bad, for having to crawl out of bed.

Well, and having gone to bed at nearly twenty after five.

Way late.

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It's 5:19, and I'm just about to go down.  Gaming earlier, in coop, then later... often also in coop, on other people's games... in?  In other people's games.  What you play there doesn't transfer, due to... a complicated system for the game.  So, for a bit, I played on my own, but opened it up for other people to join my game.

My side 'toon is rather lower level.  But, I have a few... super weapons?  Sort of.  So, I can all but run a group through.  Some bosses?  Not so much.  But, for the most part, I can do very well.  Solo or in a group, my game or theirs.  I have made it to the end boss in the first area, and to the way to the next zone, for after that.  Ugh.  Quite a thing.

Fried steak.

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.

Used a bit of lard, to test the "gooder" lard ordered.  It... tasted pretty piggy.  Not so good with steak.  Though it would be good with pork chops and such.  Maybe even chicken... though the flavor might be too strong for that?  The searing was excellent, it's just... the flavor.  Old time pork, back from the 70s'.  I was hoping for a lard with no flavor.  Not sure it is possible to make lard, without that tasted, unless it is hydralized, or otherwise ruined?  I'll... keep looking.

Duck fat should do.  As well, I need to find a source of tallow.  That isn't hydrolized.  Can't trust anything amazon adversts suggest.  It's China's storefront, it's how they work.  Tell the customer yes or no to anything you think will get them to buy.  Claim whatever it takes to move product.  And... that is amazon in a nutshell, for that reason.

Calls, and cold, and pain.

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.

I was so cold.  Could NOT warm up.  Finally, had to shake the sleep and reset the bed.  That... worked.  But couldn't do it until five?  So shivered all night.  Just couldn't pull myself out of sleep well enough, sooner.  But, at least I did get some warm sleep.

Then the alarms.  My mom called, but it didn't ring through.  Then... other calls.  Podiatry, but they won't see me for an open wound.  That's wound care.  So... back to urgent scheduling for a reschedule.  Other calls?  I... am sure, but I don't know who, or if I answered.  It seemed like having a herd of elephants randomly running through my room, as I was trying to avoid contact, noise, people, places, and things!  GAH!

Later than planned.

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Sometimes I get stuck in the game.  Either trying to do something, or leveling.  It's... an addiction.  Don't even think otherwise.  If parents were to keep their kids from playing, it would be because of the addictive propterties, and patterns that can produce, including making children more prone to other addictive products, items, behaviors.

In my case?  I'm supposed to be dead.  I've been dead.  It... sort of doesn't matter.  If I can do it, and little or nothing else but sleep or die?  Leave me to it.  I break the spell, from time to time.  Sometimes for longer periods.  Just... it's a new game, I have someone who is also laid up, and it is working.

Well, a good day.

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A few calls, setting up appointments with the VA mostly.  But too, my mother called.

She said her phone hasn't been ringing through.  A zero phone.  I am beginning to suspect their numbers are being stolen, and used for robo-calls.  For all we know, that is legally allowed through the bill allowing the program.  That is what it is for.  Your "government" phone isn't yours.  It's the governments, and whatever criminals they run with currently.

Awake, early.

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Didn't get down until after midnight, nearly or even after one?  Some time in there.  Closed the door, didn't let Sassy up.  I think she has been fussing a lot, which has been disturbing my sleep.  I'll give her a three day time-out.  See if she behaves better.  Still, I didn't think I'd be up until later.  

I woke, probably, at eight, eight thirty.  But, tried to bury my head in the sand.  Didn't want to face the world more than needed more sleep.  Though was still a bit weary.  Ever have one of those days, and have a choice?  Still, I couldn't sleep well, or deeply, kept bumping awake.  Wasn't Sassy.  She didn't send out a peep.  Well, until I called to her.

A last bit of gaming.

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Rather than run my "main" ('toon... cartoon... characater) through, I ran a secondary 'toon through.  Leveled that one a bit more.  Learning... where things are?  No.  That is something that changes from run to run, character to character (player), can't be learned.  But, even now, I am finding new traits.  Then again, I think my main only has twenty one, and there is a trophy for finding thirty.  So... yeah.  And I think there are more in the dlc.

No, I just wanted to... practice leveling?  Learn what I can of the game as I was brining a little 'un up, again, with more knowledge.  And having a more relaxed time than I would in a random coop.  Even a good group will eventually just... fall apart.  Can't talk, and wouldn't.  So... never know when that will happen.  It's limited, and somewhat, sometimes, extra stressful.  But fun enough, especially since we can't, or I won't, talk.

Yes, much better.

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.

He is pretty good at gaming.  Within reason, he can run and gun as good as is needed and then some.  Both of us have had some difficulties with op's... other players.  I suspect a lot of players are very young and/or retarded.  Seriously, mentally impaired.  Though I have met a 'toon or two who is far better than I.  If, as with my friend, they probably have a lot more traits, and more of those leveled to max, plus more armor and weapons.  There are some limits between the divides.

But, yes, we nearly cleared the "earth" section tonight.  Something I was having trouble doing solo, if more around half my level.  Which is why I just kept rerolling and running through.  Just... level grinding.  I'm around the low two hundreds.  The thing is?  This game goes all the way to a thousand skill points.  With... six levels of difficulty?  And, basically, at the easiest setting it is nearly impossible solo.  They say you can solo, but only, and maybe, if you do it my way.  Grind levels for a very long time.  A week?  To get to a point where you can eke through a bit of the game.  Until you hit a difficult point, too difficult.  Then grind through another hundred points, and target those to skills you think might help.

Had to get out.

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Money, from one account to the other.  Then, home, to use the main account to pay... a bill.  They charge $40 for late fees.  People should be in prison for that sort of usury.  But, with the government we have, and it won't matter if it's Trump or Xi at this point, expect higher fees.  Our government has failed, so will charge it's citizens to beyond bankruptcy.  Through corporations, taxation, and inflation.  At this point, it has no choice.  Until the crash.  Since it won't admit it is wrong, and try to fix it.  Just more kicking of the can.  You, by the way, are the can.

Got it, did it, done.  However, I'll have to sort something out.  I should have had more money in there.  I need to look over what happened to my finances.  Something is going really wrong.  I am wondering if utilities, one or the other, or both, charged and end of the year clearing.  To leverage balances.  They used to slide it into the average for the next year, but seem to just hammer it all at once these days.  This government has criminalized most industry, allowing them to out and out harm citizens.  I can only imagine what having a family of four to eight must be like.  It's... not possible.  I don't care how much you make.  And, that is how they want it.  They want to hurt the family, first, the rest as they can.  Your governments and corporations absolutely hate you.

Brutal suffering.

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Heart, lungs, muscles in the upper body, leg wound, neck, headache.  Not everything.  Just a lot of things.  And in such odd and varied ways.  Muscles, bone aches, weariness, and such.  Even one of my ears hurts, sort of inside?  Did I fall down the steps last night and not remember?  I'll take aspirin today.

Then, the VA called to set up two or three things.  And Sassy was having none of me sleeping past eight thirty?  She was fed at midnight, or one.  She shouldn't be that terribly hungry already!  Ugh.  I couldn't find any peace this morning.  So, finally, just got up.  I would have slept four or five more hours if I... thought there would be peace to it.

So tired.

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My heart just hurts.  It's tired.  It aches.  Why?  I... can't say.  I'd like to start eating, again.  And, maybe, tomorrow, I'll get back to it, pull something out to thaw.  A few steaks, for an easy start.  I am sure the burger soup is... needs to be tossed.  And a steak that was in there for a while.  I hate wasting, but some things just can't be eaten.

I worked up a will tonight.  Plans for a funeral.  Rough, just... basic ideas.  The house and owned items are sorted, mostly.  Even Sassy has been given a home, conditionally.  There are four parties to some of the money.  There is enough to give fairly nicely to the various parties.  Burial?  I can say what I want, but that's really for others.  I do want to be buried, not cremated.  In a coffin, in the ground.  For most of my life I was sure I wouldn't want that.  Then... I became Catholic, although right as the church has started to allow cremations.  Now I want the way they used to do it.  At a VA site, unless they can do it locally, affordably.  I have lived here longer than... I have lived in any area in my life.  So I wouldn't mind a local burial, if it's affordable enough.  I might even get a visitor or two, from time to time.

A call, last night?

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So it seemed.  Had to call someone else, another old friend, to get the number.  But I got it, then called.  Spoke with him, may ten fifteen minutes.  Just told him what was going on, asked how he was doing, and such.

The weight loss...  I was probably closer to four hundred when he saw me last?  Or more, but about that.  And I was quite a bit younger, as was he.  He must have been somewhere around my age when I last saw him, give or take ten years?  Can't be positive, but... something like that.

I told him I wasn't talking to my brother, or mom.  And why.  We talked, about those things, and other things.  Yes, we talked.  He gave me some advice I really didn't think I'd take.

Anyway, this morning, as I woke, very late, I realized something.  He has been dead for a long, long time.  The last time I saw him was at the funeral home.  In his casket.  Had to help pull my mother away, she was having fits.  So...  It was... a while before that since we last talked.  I've prayed for the disposition of his soul, still do.

I'm rethinking his advice.  He... might have... more perspective on things.  I don't know where he is, but to be honest?  I think even those in hell... know better now.  Maybe not demons, but humans?  Yeah.  Not saying he is, or isn't.  Just... sayin'.  You know.  At least, that was the impression I got from my visits over there.

I'll take what I can get.  For advice from those on that side, or those I know.  As to whether that was a dream or not?  I... won't even try to speculate.  It... was him.  It was.  Later.

On to bed.

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Awake a bit later than had hoped.  But with a six hour nap, it... makes some sense.  Hopefully sleep will be good, and I can wake earlier?  Will find out.  

Working on my 'toon.  In the game.  But it's a difficult game.  Plus, I have been leveling things that don't help me, mostly, currently.  Coop skills, that don't help personal play.  I am almost done with that.  Then I can begin leveling skills, aka traist, which do help with personal play.

Why?  Because, when playing with others, most of them don't have these skills leveled.  It is good to have someone who does.  And, I have the time.  We'll see how it works out.  Though, to be honest, even when leveling traist which should help with solo play?  It... doesn't really help all that much.  And, despite what they suggest, I think the game cheats against those who level traits.  If not directly, than indirectly.  Bad "rolls", poorer rgn, and such.  It's not as they suggest.  Devs are poor losers.

Sassy was fed well, water reset, littler cleared.  I suspect she'll come up and sleep with me.  She has been enjoying sleeping with me lately.  And I like having her up.  If I end up becoming a papa, I'll have the little ones in from time to time.  Until... they don't want to.  Though... with some time for me and mum.  Sassy is like a daughter I never got to raise.  And I love having her up with me.  A bit nosy, and with some claws... which she uses to... see if I am awake with.  And little troubles.  But?  That's what children do.  For good and ill, these will be loved.

Goodnight.

The nap helped.

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Still weary, tired, a bit short.  But, better.  A lot better.  I should be able to get to sleep earlier tonight.  And, very possibly, if I sleep well, be up early again tomorrow, and throughout the week?  We'll see.

Still some sneezing.  And a runny nose.  Amazingly, though, the blood noses stopped much sooner than anticipated.  I expected them to be a problem until... nearly bedtime?  At least a few more hours from now.  But I checked a few hours ago, and they had stopped.  Weren't even all plugged up and a mess to deal with.  Just... stopped, and have been clear, other than being runny, since.

Brutal!

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Back to bed, to sleep, for... hours.  I wasn't sure I'd be back up today, at all, as horrible as I felt.  How much pain I was in.  How tired I was.  And with a cough, runny nose, and else to add to it.  I think it was around 7:30 when I went down?  Give or take a bit.

It took a bit for me to sleep.  But I wasn't really conscious, not fully, either.  I was a ball of suffering.  I did rewrap the leg, but it took a while for that to... be soothed.  And cold, I was cold.  Just... a ball of hurting cold nothingness.

Pain.

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I tried one of the new bandages yesterday.  Took it to my appointment, to show the medicals.  See if they approved.  It was applied there.

Now, it works.  It absorbs the goo coming out of the wound.  Doesn't go bad.  Can shower with it on, without a problem.  But?  But hit HURTS!  It's worse than a dry bandage pack on a wet wound.  It, basically, constantly debrides.  It pulls the gunk out.  Which... is good.  But it is as if it is constantly tearing at the wound.  It hurt all night.

Okay, I decided to check.

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Ghosted?  Checked with my friend.  Nope.  He... got called in, in foot boot and all.  And... did a fifteen hour day.  Further, he thought he was going to just be driving the plow, so didn't put anything on his foot.  He's... just glad he didn't get frostbite.  Gah!  I've given him thick hunting wool socks.  But... as he said, he was told he would just be driving, not... running errands, driving a atv plow, and other sich.

Yeah, okay.  Money is money, and with that much time on the road, and in this and that plow or vehicle... right.  I told him it's a good thing he is male.  He has no capacity to say no.  If he were a she, he'd... she'd... have fifteen kids and a pass at the hospital, or a room in "her" honor?  :p

Out and to it.

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I made it to the appointment.  My new primary was able to see me this morning.  Set it up when they first called.  Further, will be getting calls for other, local, appointments.  Heart, foot, eye (both), and... a social worker... to see if we can get me back to swimming before too long.  Look, I've lost 65 pounds.  Can't say I'm not holding up my end.  And, losing weight will save them money.  As will getting fit.  Pay a few bucks for a pass and some gas, or begin doing surgeries, dealing with a lost leg, and else.  Not blackmail, simply... an offer I hope they won't refuse.

BP was a little high.  I keep... worrying they will debride the wound again.  I... don't trust doctors all that much these days.  But, no torture today.  And, as mentioned, I haven't been taking medicine because I haven't been eating lately.  Still, bp came down to 128/83?  Before I left?  So... for my part... all good.

Awake.

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Ugh.  To bed after midnight, but wanted to try to be awake earlier today.  To try to take back the day.  Maybe just for one day?  I'll find out tomorrow.  I set the alarms for five and six.  The five alarm went off, and I snoozed it... twice?  Then turned it off.  But... became worried I wouldn't wake at the six alarm.  While sleeping I feared?  Yes.  Stupid?  Strange?  Unusual?  All but the last.

So, I woke around 5:35.  A shower, first thing, and feeding Sassy.  Coffee water was set to heat while I showered, and made immediately thereafter.  I need to clear the litter boxes.  I'm even mostly dressed.  Just pj bottoms, the rest are grown up, out the door clothing.  Enjoying coffee... and fudge.

Gaming.

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I tried to get others to play through certain parts of the game, to no success.  I did play with others, through their game.  There was one boss I just...  Okay, I played it twice and didn't want to do it again.  Two more times, this time, and I finally made it through.  Now?  Now I have no idea where to go next.

Oh, the game tells me where to go.  Just gives absolutely no real clue about how to get there (that makes any sense to me).  I hate it when a game is already more difficult, on the easiest setting.  But then doesn't offer any real guidance as to where to go or how to get there.  The thing is sprawling.  And... a passage could be missed?  Well, maybe not.  But... which one, after the fact, goes forward, and which one goes back?

Ah, they are... back?

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Different places, then before.  But... yes.  I couldn't remember.  So tired, sore, out of sorts, and such.  But... when I saw them I knew.

And, yes, I know why.  Even if they are... disbelievers.  Which... is all good.  I try to be.  When I can be.  As is possible.  About as many things I am pretty sure are true, even if that is uncomfortable.  Still... I... get it.  Amen.

Before the post was posted...

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Someone had already responded.  Either... they can see what I am doing, while I am working, through electronic snooping?  Or they... can just see.  My guess is there are some of both.  Which this was I cannot say.  Though... I... have a feeling it was from those with "simple" sight.  No tech involved.  My kind.

Two of the three.  Few viewed that post.  Which is unusual.  But I don't care.  I... don't post for you, or her, or him, or they.  I... just post, these days.  Three responses.  I will put up two.  And a few more on another topic.

Awake at eleven.

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I gave up waking early.  Today.  Tomorrow?  Back at it, for reasons.  I didn't go to bed all that early, or as late?  Sleeping long, and late, is all.  Stupid sleep patterns!

Still tired as a devil.  It wasn't my "mind" that really woke up, it was my body.  It, like a dog, gets up... when... it gets up.  And, then, it is up!  I'm just along for the ride.  For now.  Hopefully I'll wake up a bit better in a bit?  We'll see.

Strange.

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All VA business managed.  All appointments that I knew about, and they could find, have been removed from the SLC facility.  And have either been made local, or are being arranged to the best of my knowledge.  I liked my doctor, mostly.  Didn't always agree with him, not sure I trusted him.  But have sort of sorted some things out.  My eye doctor, and his intern?  I liked them, straight up.  I will miss them.  I just don't like odd people peeking in ever few minutes.  Especially ones who don't look like they have anything to do with medical practices.  But, in any case, that was... unnerving.

It is much better to have local.  Or... maybe.  I guess I'll find out when I go in.  Otherwise I will simply quit going for yearly checkups.  May see about going to a heart specialist instead, if I can't find medical care of which I approve.  Give that a shot, anyway.  Medicine is destroying itself in every way it can.  That may be the goal though.

Had to fight for it.

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First, had to wait a long time to get through.  About an half hour.  But the conversation was short.  If she sent me to the wrong system.  I had to wait another half hour to get through.  But, again, the conversation was short.  This time I got to the right place.  But, again, I had to wait a half hour to get through.

At that point, I had to argue with the woman.  She was trying to force the Ogden clinic.  I told her no, there is a closer clinic.  After debating this three or four times, I was beginning to wonder if I had been misled.  Nope, she finally looked it up or talked to someone and got it.  Then?  All she could do was put me in for them to call me back.

Why so late?

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Sure, two nights ago I went to bed at three, so waking at ten thirty made sense.  But last night I was tucked in by 22:30.  Still, waking at ten thirty, and just barely.  It was a struggle.  And I hurt.  Gaming too much?  Maybe.  That'll take it out of me, just as if working.  Which... is why I don't work.  I can't.  So, this will take care of itself, shortly.

I wondered if it was cold.  Looked out.  Huge clumps of snow coming down.  Looks like fake snow, to be honest.  But I'm... pretty sure they can't do that scale of fakery, even if they made a hell of a racket.  It's just too big of an area to fake that.  Besides, just to make sure, I went out and looked.  Sure looks like fake snow, the closer you get the more fake it looks.  It's about 31 out there.  Some drips, but that may be just from the warmth of the house and the new soft snow.  I think it's on the frozen side of that.  And, it looks like we got another four to six inches.  Which is stacking right on top of the rest.  We have eight to twelve inches on the ground, again, after it almost going away completely.

Pretty good.

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Coop play was okay.  I have... a lot more experience, with these sorts of games.  I am slowly showing... better practices.  Though he's a clever boy.  Being a starter, and a little more trusting, he went online and played with a much higher level group.  They were able to wipe out mobs and bosses with abandon.  I can't do that, am still a learner myself, in-game, of this particular game.

Still, I showed him how to level much more quickly.  And, got at least... three?  No, four skills, from playing coop.  I'm not sure if there are more?  But, it's a start.

Rough.

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It's just a difficult morning.  Getting up was so very difficult.  I didn't go down until three, so I reset the alarms for eight and ten.  Waking, just barely, at the ten alarm.

Sassy fed first thing.  The machines on and going.  A touch of apple sauce.  Just... something something.  Shouldn't, but... shut up.  Then, cleared the dishes so as to take a shower.  But first, onto the scale.

Always worried I've stopped losing, or even started gaining.  It will happen, though time.  It... just does.  You can't win every round, you just can't.  Still?  234.4.  Without a bm this morning.  And with a little food in.  not a lot, but it counts.  Down from 238 even, last time I stepped on the device.  Good.  Still, anxious for 220.  I want to see where I am at that point.  Still probably need to lose another twenty from there, I would guess.  So?  So, about, say, fifteen pounds from my intermediate goal, and thirty five pounds from my, probably, ultimate goal.  I'll know when... I look right.  That's from, at the very least, two hundred eighty eight, but more likely over three hundred, may three ten, fifteen?  I... stopped weighing when I got really heavy.  For shame.  And, yes, it can accumulate fast, especially when you give up.  Well, and they are feeding you insulin so you CAN'T lose weight!  Insulin simply stores fat.  That... is it's purpose.  Take more, gain more.  Especially for some people.  That was, at most, eight months ago.  And, two eighty, plus, say, three months ago?  

A mix of things.

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Some mine, some delivered, some... coincidence?  As you know, I do not believe in such events.  Though, there... is always chance based on whim, from things far older than even I.  Or... God works in mysterious ways.  I... merely notice, sometimes.  Though, is it whim, or chance, if it is in the mind of God?  Of course, it might not be God.  There are others, both of light and dark.  If... even a right angel can do dark things.  It... happens, or happened?  Even if it hasn't happened yet?  Something...

Yes, music.  It is my way.  Accusations, sympathy, empathy, hatred?  All sorts of things are possible.  I just... watched, collected, and am putting them out.

My friend is in a boot.

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Broken ankle, foot?  Some such.  So, I called.  Wanted to check in, see if he needs anything for a change.  Driving, shopping, or even a few ducks.  But, sounds like they have it all covered.  Sometimes, it really is the thought that counts.  And, yes, I do think... even about you folk out there.  I may be an asshole, a bastard, an sob.  But?  I'm... your asshole, bastard, sob.  Check.

Oh, but since I found out, for the most part, he his gaming.  Because he can't work.  His current main work requires ladders.  He... can't do those.  So, he is home, mostly, on the console.  In this game I am playing, I need help getting a few trophies.  Which require multiplayer.  Coop will work, with just two.  My trick is to figure out how to get another player in.  I have, pretty much, everything set up to prevent that, due to hacking vulnerabilities.  Even your friends can be hacked.  Can't trust any corporation, especially since they are all allowed criminality for government access.  Truth.

Sleep helped.

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I feel much better.  Not even close to great, or even good, but I'll take what I can get.  Most of the excruciating pain is gone.  There is still pain, but it is... more typical.  Slept a bit cold, but... slept.  Mostly.  Not wonderful?  No, it's... wonderful.  I'm not going to complain.  the pain and aches and else have eased enough to be below radar while I tinker with thoughts, other people's thoughts, "news", and gaming I would guess.  That's... well good enough.

Blood sugar is 126 this morning.  The best fasting blood sugar in weeks.  So, all good.  I'll take it.  Hopefully it will drop through the day.  Not the lowest I have had, but, generally, lately, fasting test has been the highest of the day.

How did I not get to bed earlier?

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It's 23:16?  I... have been so tired all day.  Gaming.  Enjoying this game, mostly.  But... tired.  I am surprised I made it past 18:00.  So tired I hurt.  Lungs, heart, truly tire to the point of pain, and dysfunction.  They aren't working as they should be.  All good, sleep soon.

Tomorrow is a holiday.  The appointments I was supposed to have are scheduled for the day after, but in the afternoon.  One has been canceled, fully.  No reschedule on that.  The other is to be made a local event, and ongoing.  But, we will have to sort that out.  I just won't go to the VA hospitals or clinics, directly, anymore.  Too far of a drive, they are no longer reimbursing travel, and they have gone as far into dei as possible.  Which... excludes me.

Local isn't better, but it is safer... in some ways.  Perhaps lower quality care?  We'll see.  Though, if a hospital's staff hates you, for your politics, the quality of care becomes questionable anyway.  Let them enjoy their new, and empty, world.  If you hate vets, and our opinions... you deserve to simply go away.  That will happen.  In time.

So sore.  That spear sensation?  Now it's as if it pierced the body, again.  And... has been so for a full day.  As I become exhausted, it only gets worse.  I won't bother with the bandages tonight.  Too tired, too sore.  But, in the morning.  Goodnight.

Gaming while it is snowing.

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It has warmed through the day.  Starting out at about 25 when I woke up, say around 7:30?  Perhaps a quarter earlier?  Sometime in there.  Then, by 11:30, it was up to 28.  Now it is between 31 and 32, but still on the frozen side.  Sometimes, up here, temperatures won't exhibit as they seem that they should.  It's chillier out there than it reads.  Wind?  Higher air temp?  Who knows, exactly, why.  But it's... pretty frozen out there.

It has been snowing.  It started when I looked out, or just a bit before really.  There was a dusting, but that has accumulated to... four to six inches?  The last few times I looked, it had been dropping straight down.  Lightly, but heavily.  I did step out, to read the temp, but didn't really look to see if it was snowing.  But I thought it still was.  Too tired to... think, remember to look, recall even if I saw... or not for sure.  I was thinking of grabbing the shovel, and giving a porting up near the garage door a bit of a shot.  But I couldn't.  Couldn't stand.  No way was I going to push the shovel with snow.  It's... just not a day for that.  Later?  Tomorrow?  Not?  I... can't, right now, is all I know.

Oh what a miserable night.

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At least I was able to sleep well yesterday night.  Pain.  My leg.  It hurt every time I rolled.  I couldn't find a way to be comfortable.  Laying on the front, back, either side, didn't matter.  Terrible pains, no matter.  I would sleep a bit then shift?  And wake up with a scream caught in my throat.  Not a sound, not a whisper.  But... it was in there.

As such, the five alarm was too early.  Almost the seven alarm too.  But I... wanted to get up.  To feed Sassy.  To take medicine.  Eventually to have coffee.  I'd like to hit dishes and laundry.  I'm sure what is in the dryer is dry, and nothing is in the wash.  I have a lot of whites to hit.  So, perhaps, I could start on those?  Only when I take what is in the dryer up, and after I have at least sorted the clothes upstairs.  THEN I'll hit the whites.  And, bring down sheets.  It's been a bit.  While I was able to make a bed back up, I haven't been doing sheets well.  Every two or three weeks.  It's... winter though, so... yeah.