I didn't post?

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I've been up... for a while.  Gamed, just a bit.  Made and drank coffee.  Looked here, and there, online.  Keeping Sassy fed.  Fed her twice already.  And it's about time to feed her again.  I keep... trying to do some work.  I keep failing.  I keep thinking about making some food.  I fail at that too.  Hungry, a bit.  Just not enough to really dig in.

There has to be something.  Sardines?  A bit tight, in my current state.  I had soup yesterday.  Not much, burning the rest of the pot, and all... twice.  Bleh.  That pan may be shot.  And it's a pricey one.  Oh well.

Had hoped to be awake earlier.

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It just didn't work out.  I was expected to do something, and I failed.  I doubted I could go, but I might have been able to send something.  It just didn't happen.  Alarm clocks be damned.  I didn't even hear them.  Not sure why.  Though that isn't completely unusual.

Just a bit of work.  Very little, tiny bits.  But several.  Resetting water, and containers... one for now anyway, for they r.o. system.  Really, the goal is to have two or three half gallon jugs of the stuff, plus keep the carafe full.  So that making tea, having soup water, or such, is... possible, in multiples even at the same time.  I will say, tea and coffee taste much better with water run through that system.

Women. Bah!

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Women...  on the mind.  They... crawl in, and don't want to leave.

Of course, music vid pops don't help.

I got nothing.

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Hoping to wrangle recycling.  Not sure even that will happen.  While... stumbling through life, I stumbled over two old and a new vid.  Someone thinks they are funny.  I won't fault them.  A couple are chuckle worthy.  The other?  Meh.  But I like it.

So... here.  A song and a few vids, if all are... representative... of... whatever.

A... few things.

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Some music, vids, thoughts.

As a hermit, I might know?  I do say.

So much for ideas.

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Down slightly before ten... or eleven?  Something.  I posted slightly before, but sometimes I slide toward bed, not dropping then and there.  Can't remember which way it went this time.  Up after 19:00 though, between a quarter and thee quarters after.  I am going to have to check the alarm clock.  I swore I read 23:00 and change.  If, too, when waking, I can terribly mistake what I am seeing.

No matter.  Just a bit of shock when I saw the time down here, then checked several other time keeping devices and systems to make sure this one clock wasn't off.

The idea is a nap.

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The reality will be more like waking sometime between 20:00 and 0:00 hours.

I wanted to cook a steak.  Just couldn't do it.  I did get the r.o. run through to clean, then set up for tea.  Nice, very nice to have clean water back on the menu.  And the tea was superb.  I didn't add sweetener, which will take some familiarization.  But... it was quite good even so.  I'll do that on days when I had coffee, or when I'm having an extra tea.  Or... sometimes just because.

The questions asked.

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Far easier to answer in my way.  Easier?  I can't say.  Easier for me.

Do they ever understand?  Can they?  If not, they wouldn't understand if told.

Sleep schedule is weird.

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Not sure when I went back to bed.  Early afternoon?  Later?  I... just can't recall.  Awake at around 22:30, give or take a quarter hour.  Sassy was fed, coffee was brewed, and toast.  The new keto bread.  But, with cause this time, not just because.  I purchased keto jam, strawberry.  I wanted to give it a spin.

It's called Choczero, ChocZero?  Something.  It has 6 carbs per tablespoon.  I only used a teaspoon, on three slices, though tablespoons are... difficult to get exact.  The idea was to use just one serving.  It spread easily enough that that wasn't difficult.  As a fact, as I was practicing, I started cutting the dose.  I would say an half teaspoon will do well enough.

Crashing.

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Help arrived though.  I had an area, in the kitchen, I needed opened up.  I did help.  But didn't do more than a small portion.  Beside opening that up, he got the r.o. countertop device going.  I couldn't see the markings.  Eyes... as you get older.  Though, after a bit of fiddling, he figured it out.  Then showed me.  I can do that, from now on.

I was afraid of twisting the filters off, perhaps damaging the filters or the machine.  All good.  I ran one pot through, emptied.  Ran another through.  That is it for today.  Tomorrow I am hoping to run two more batches.  With the filters being new, they have charcoal running through them, and maybe other chemicals.

When did I go down?

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Sometime midafternoon.  After 16:00, not quite to 18:00?  Just guessing.  I was so absolutely exhausted that even getting to bed was a serious chore.  I kept nodding off as I sat here.  Surprised I haven't fall from my perch doing that.  At least I wasn't nodding off behind the wheel.  I started waking at midnight thirty.  Tried to keep down.  Made it a mere half hour before I simply couldn't stay down anymore.

Not that waking was easy, or smooth.  I kept.. nodding off on the way out and up.  Though, once on my feet, and dressed, life evened out a bit.  How do I keep on living?  I honestly can't say.  Assuming no one is trying to poison me, or otherwise interfere, and I don't make any such assumptions... but just for simplicity let us stay that.  Just how I feel, many, almost every day... since... what... early to mid fall?

Signed and sealed.

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The HELoC?  Is completed.  I have to wait, for payments, then for those to go through.  The first thing this does is pays all my debts.  Bringing the loan all under one roof and, generally, at a lower and singular interest rate.  Perfect?  Close enough.  Then life goes from there.

I need to work with my other bank.  With that debt, through them (the bike) paid off, I'll cut back on what they get.  But... that becomes Christmas fund.  Which means, this coming year, if weather holds, I could visit my mother.  I'll keep enough going that I can go, and stay, without dipping into my income.  Plus, arrive bearing gifts.

I am not the only one who can't seem to sleep.

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Digging.  With intent.

Too much to show all.  Some of my favored uncovered, and some... I think... that just go with the theme.  Tiptoe lightly, youngling.  Older than me?  After what you have uncovered, you... still think so?  *grins*

Mockery, commiseration, a nod, or else?

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The sense of things.  I... don't know if this is a reaction to my last post, or... something else.  I... don't see you, but I see what you suggest.

By which name do you suggest you know me?

I am pretty sure.

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Someone.

Needed more sleep.

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Went in for a nap.  Say, around 14:00, 14:30?  The latter or later.  A few hours, I thought.  Up at 19:00.  Does that still count?  Headache.  Mild.  Haven't napped in a very long time, and am trying to wrestle my schedule around.  So, there is that.  A mild headache.  I won't treat it.  Though, now, I have... three types of painkillers (otc), with one more type on it's way.  Not because I use a lot.  More because I would rather mix types on the rare times I use them, and try to use ones that work better with certain pains?  Since returning to carnivore, no need.  Mostly.

Someone keeps calling, offering $35k "emergency" loan, grant, or such.  I just laugh.  Can imagine what the interest rate on that would be... a leg, arm, and first and last born child.  Seriously.  Spammy spam spam and eggs.  Or eggs and spam.  Maybe spam, eggs, and spam?  At least they made it an English speaking woman, not a dot indian.  Still... Spammy, spam, spam.  No eggs.  Have to laugh, list as spam, block, and chuckle some more.

Awake before noon.

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Not moving with great speed or agility.  If not stumbling in pain and misery.  I slept well.  Went to bed just before six, waking at a bit before noon.  I almost want more sleep, but I... can't.  I need to reset things, even if just for a day or week, or so.  Or... try.

My toe is feeling much better since I went back more solidly to carnivore.  If it is gout, gout isn't caused by meat.  My (foster) father suffered with it for years, on the SAD (standard American diet).  They tried to break from it, but broke more toward vegetarianism.  My (adopting) mother suffers with it, and has for many years.  She believes it is meat, her doctors told her that too.  At this point, she doesn't have choices as to her diet.  But she did before.  Believed the doctors, and continued to suffer.

Potted beef, crackers, and coffee.

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Not the fanciest of dinners, breakfasts.  But it worked.  Keto crackers, still I am careful with their use.  I had been thinking of another steak, tonight.  Or some portion.  Was wanting food, but not wanting that much fuss.  So this.  Though, I think I'll have chicken brats and sauerkraut later, instead of steak.  Not fancy either, but a change.  And, still, carnivore enough for my tastes.

News.  The loan went through.  I have it set up to get my other debts paid off, so I only have to focus on this.  I will be changing a few things with how I bank.  Setting up automatic payments, as well, so that I will be paying off as I go along, on top of taking out.  During the summer, when work is less likely, I can spin more money into it.  Still have to sign, but it's coming up.

Awake a bit later than hoped.

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Wednesday?  Yep.  Up nearing 18:00.  Bleh.  Sassy was fed, bladder was let out for a walk.  Packages were collected from the stoop.

While finding a bread, or in the process, I wanted to find fruit spreads that would work with it.  Not for daily.  No keto friendly food, that is on the sweeter side, can generally be had too regularly.  Once, or twice, a week.  Same with the bread, most likely.  That bread really was seriously good.  I am hoping this orange marmalade is too.  The trick is limited amounts, rarity of use, and adding butter, and maybe drinking with a very high fat coffee.  It's all a trick, and yet not.  It is simply, at this point, how my body works in the healthiest way possible.

Still up, but shouldn't be.

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Finished the steak.  Had another coffee.  Kept Sassy in food as well.

Someone has been picking them.  I think a recent post or dozen have someone(s) picking through the scratch, looking for... indicators?  Or... just having a larf.

Steak and coffee.

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I thought I had forgotten to pull steak out of the freezer.  Nope.  It was raring and ready.  Thawed in the fridge, is all.  Attempting that, as I have heard it is better, safer?  I don't know.  I just didn't think it actually worked.  It... it works.  Baked, but this time at 350, not higher as I have been doing... and getting it too done.  Then pan fried for five on the first run, three minutes on a final run.  I... will probably bake it for more like ten minutes, once the oven is to temp, from now on.  Still... rather good.  Half, *cough* more like a third, went into a bag and into the fridge for tomorrow.  Or later.

Coffee is an absolute delight.  If you like the stuff.  I don't like it.  I love it.  With the sweetener that works for my diabetes issues, and a bucket of cream?  Which works pretty well with keto, for me carnivore, and definitely for diabetes?  What's not to like.  Like caramel coffee, only not diabetic spike or drop... and with weight loss?  Who knew.  Other than nutritionists, doctors, lawyers, politicians, bureaucrats and everyone else who tried to deny us access to such foods, especially of the raw sort.  But hey... nothing a few million tarring and featherings, hangings, and war crime type trials won't solve.  Sure, I'll forgive.  Right after the guilty hang.  And even forget.

Oh, right... youall.

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I... had phone calls to make, emails to read, this and that.

A doc called.  I meant to call them anyway.  Something about VA reimbursement lapsed, so they are working on it.  Okay.  I meant to delay our visit anyway.  So... all good.  Back to coffee.  Yeah!  Seriously, I miss the stuff when I take a long break from it.  Tea has been wonderful, but... I like coffee occasionally.  Today's the day, today's the day!

Awake for a while.

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I tried to wake earlier yet.  Made it awake, finally, at 14:30?  Perhaps as much as a quarter or score before?  Something in there.  More or less.  Fed Sassy.  Went looking for information my bank lady needs.  Found it, sent it.  It looks like the loan went through, they just need... more data, proof, whatnot.  I don't have all of it, sent what I have or can get.

Oh, my plan of being done with the house by March is... very unlikely.  Perhaps next March.  Not possible, this year.  Not sure I want to list it in the fall or winter, though... would look at the possibility.  Not sure what costs exist for listing.  Or else.  Will investigate several companies.  See what... schedule can be worked.

Slowly.

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I had hoped to do some gaming, feed Sassy, trim my whiskers, and to have been on to bed hours ago.  By four hours ago, or so?  I... just couldn't.  I kept Sassy fed, ate myself and had tea.  Gamed a bit.  Finally got a shower in.  It was all just taking so very long just to attempt to get things done.  Ugh.

Blood sugar, this 'morning', was 140.  Which is a very nice 38 point drop, from yesterday 'morning'.  And, after steak and veggies, then tea, and a few hours, blood sugar is... 119?  That is... 62 points better than my later reading yesterday.  Well, okay.  I guess I really do need to eat, and mostly carnivore.

So wanted coffee and cream.

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After a taste, after taking nearly a week off from that, my hunger for it became intense.  I had two, or maybe three.  Wanted one today so desperately.  But, no.  Tea it was.  Green, gunpowder... so called because they leaves are rolled in such a way that they roughly resemble gunpowder.  Very roughly.  Or so I heard.

This time I let the water cool, and got it to where green tea is supposed to be brewed.  Then only gave it three minutes to steep.  Reserving the tea for a second run.  They say you can do two, three, even up to five runs.  I have not found that so.  Two is, usually, as many as I will go.  Though, this time, I am trying to run this green tea through at shorter runs, and with the right temp of water.  So will try three on this.  If it's just water, on the third, I'll pour it out and get fresh.  I won't sip on hopium, or copium.  I want tea, Jim!

Steak and veggies.

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That was pretty good.  The steak I cooked yesterday was an end cut.  And even the thicker part ended up overcooked.  Not... all that good.  I only ended up eating half.  Just could not do the whole thing.

Tonight, the steak was evenly cut, or at least evenly thick.  I think there was a bit of an angle to it.  It happens, when cutting by hand.  I ate half of it, will put the rest up.  Probably finish the veggies, had half of those already.  Quite enjoyed the meal.

Oh, dreams.

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Strange dreams.

In the first one, I found my uncle, dying in a field.  He had been in an accident.

He had been thrown from his truck.  It has been raining, or snow had thawed, I don't remember all.  As he was going around a corner, his truck went off the road, onto the shoulder.  Which usually isn't a problem.  But, this time, it was muddy.  It caught the front tire, stopping the truck, catapulting him through the roof.

Tried to sleep longer.

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Got maybe another hour, hour and a half in?  Over my recent efforts.  Was able to stay awake just an hour or so longer.  Those don't always match, especially when my days and nights are circling the toilet.  Who... flushed!  Bah.  At least I wasn't in the shower?

Heating the oven, for another steak.  Best pull some out to thaw.  I seem to be eating well.  Two steaks out.  Then I'll fast a bit.  Steak must have helped?  Blood sugar is down to 140.  Yes, I needed food.  Right food.  I'll... keep at it.  Just tea and water?  No, I'll have corn and peas, with butter, along with the steak tonight.

Steaks.

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Finally got to the ribeye roast.  It has been in the fridge for... a while.  Vacuum sealed, refrigerated, seems to have lasted just fine?  I'll find out.  I kept one out to cook right now.  So hungry.  Probably won't be able to eat much, but... will eat.  Though, never can tell.  Sometimes after a longer fast, intended or in this case not, I can... eat a lot.  Will find out, now won't we.

I put one in the fridge, the rest in the freezer.  The one to be cooked is cooking.  I refused to wait around for that.  Cut them myself.  Somewhere between 1 1/2" and 2", should... be good meals.  It's been a while since I have eaten.  Well, good food, carnivore food.  Keto, maybe.  If that doesn't seem to cut it.

Strange.

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Coffee and cream and water else.  Blood sugar is up three points, to 181.  Something is very wrong.  Not sure what is happening.  I do know, no more cream and coffee, if that was going to be changed out anyway.  For now.  I have been eating more vegetable stew, if with chicken and salmon.  Surprised blood sugar is up.

Well the crackers, but even four of those is only 22 net carbs, and eaten with canned corned beef (not with potatoes or else, either).  Hmm... not sure what the problem is.  I haven't been eating steak, or meat in general.  I did cut cream for this last while.  Not sure what the problem is.  Will... continue to explore.

Up at 16:00.

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That has been my schedule the last three days?  Trying to lean into the day, morning, failing.  It's like a young plant, my schedule.  It'll push along for a few days, or weeks, or month.  Then just stop!  Until it gets what it wants, or needs.  Until I am rested well again?  Until I am fed?  Until I manage meds well, if I have lost them in the schedule shuffle?  But, yeah.

So, for a few days, I have been stuck going to bed between, say, six thirty and nine thirty?  Or so.  Eight thirty this morning.

A way to cook steak in the winter.

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Well, there is the indoors.  But... that is indoors.  A bit of a problem?  Sort of.  It's messy, to cook steak especially, indoors.  The propane tanks don't work well.  It has been warm enough this year, mostly.  But, still, it can get sticky, then stuck, then... that is it... for that tank.

What I had been thinking was a charcoal, cowboy as I prefer that muchly, chimney.  The regular charcoal grill, during the winter, has too much separation between the coals and meat.  And takes a very long time to heat up.  However, that chimney, used to start the coals in the summer?  Would do.

Blood sugar was rather high.

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No, I've been eating rightly, for a while.  If... I ate at all.  Running at 199 after waking up.  I had a tea, with my sweetener system, which I thought reduced things.  Then some soup.  A few hours after the soup, it was up to 201?  Crazy.  Crazy high.  What... was different?  No coffee and cream all week.  I have been cutting back on cream, for several reasons.

So... I decided to have a coffee with cream.  Well, and the sweetener.

A whisper, lingered?

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After a post, several days ago?  Someone, something, began to whisper.  It continues.

I ignore all such.  Until... I don't.  Fine.  I'll... post.

Awake, for a while now.

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A few hours awake, or so?  Strange.  I... keep forgetting to post first thing.  Required?  No.  But... usual, preferred.  Not... to inform others, or brag that I am still alive?  No.  To... inform my schedule, craft plans and hopes, and... get my mind working.  It helps, or I think it may.  Tending my design, waking my thoughts, perhaps even producing hunger.

Hunger, like other greeds, tempered, can guide ones thoughts, and often deeds.

Stuck?

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Sort of, yes.  Can't sleep, want to sleep.  Can't do much while awake.  Frustrating.

So... what can I do about it?  Pout.  Write a blog post about it.  Think about it.  Look for options.  Probably some other options, but there are a few.

Grumbles.

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Was discussing Roman lead problems.  One of my dailies, knowingly or not, took up the challenge.  Choosing a statist cunt, to walk them through that the state is their friend, and it's all good, and... maybe even keep taking the jab?  Just... saying.  Don't butt heads with me.

The vid they presented?

A bit... stout.

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Chicken and veggie soup, with a touch of spices and herbs, both hot and... standard?  Savory?  Is good.  Add in a can of salmon?  That's... a bit stout.  It really pushes my fish capacity.  No, no, I was careful with the purchased of the canned salmon.  Wild caught, the right kind, etc, etc, etc.  No, it's just that canning that particular fish seems to make it much stronger.  Plus, my ability to handle fish of some sorts is already limited.

Until the wife of a very kind, forgiving, neighbor cooked some, for me?  I didn't think I liked the stuff.  I don't know what she did, but that was as delicious as any of my favored fish, without any weird... flavors, or fishiness.  So, I sort of began stretching.  Canned salmon takes me back to why I didn't think I could handle it.

Oh, didn't post?

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Up a few hours ago.  Too early for the bedtime, but too late for what time my body thinks I should be awake.  So... a bit of a milder headache to start the day.  Two hours and twenty later, or so, the headache is gone.  Felt cold.  Because it was could?  Yes.  So I turned the heat up, front and back.  Still feels cold, but reads rather warm?  Bah.  Hate that.  I'll turn the heat off in this room shortly.  Leave the furnace on until bedtime.

Oh, right, a friend reminded me that a soup or stew as quite doable.  I haven't gotten to that yet.  As well, tea.  No cream, for much of the week.  And, after a break from caffeinated drinks for a few days, I can handle tea again.  And coffee, but I want to cut cream just a bit, for a bit.  Tea really is nice stuff, if it isn't overpowering.

A quarter to eight?

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Bah!

On the good side, I thought I was out of water.  My r.o. system needs tinkered with, but... I... haven't gotten to it.  I checked my little fridge, sure I had used the water in there.  Nope.  I had two twelve packs, of the plain (which is fast becoming my preferred).  So, I started having some.  I had been down to just two for yesterday, or three?  I needed, wanted anyway, more water.

Still awake.

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Tinkering with the game.  At ease, no pain.  Hungry, just not able to do much about that.  Still, it's a good quiet night and life.  I'll feed Sassy in a bit, then close up shop, going on to bed.

I'd like to get a shower.  That just can't happen.  Not for pains, or aches, but at this point I am tired.  The day is slipping around again.  The pains and else of late... I could suggest those are to blame.  But I know better.  I just lose time, like an antique clock, old beyond it's usefulness.  I can't keep time.

Doing well.

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Very strange.  The toe is almost completely back to normal, at the moment, for the day.  Since waking up it has been well behaved.  Walking on it isn't an issue.  It doesn't hurt one way or the other.  And, yes, from time to time, I... test limits.  Not trying to find absolute limits, simply testing normal functions... whether that hurts or not.  If I ran into pain in the process, then I would... push, stretch, test further.

No, it is doing well.  Everything is doing well.  I have no idea why, but I'll gladly take it.  I wasn't thinking I would get to die, but I thought I might have to suffer a bit deeper for a while.  And, I did, for months in there.  I may have months left of it, years, decades.  But... not today!  :)

Down at two, up at noon.

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Give or take.  Still pushing to get down a bit earlier.  But, last night, I was up to... see, hear, things.  Maybe.  Did get startled by fireworks.  Which always... sort of tickles me... when I sort it out.  Sort of spooks me... the distant popping and else, and the windows and door jiggling.  Have to laugh when I remember.  Later than I thought they would be going off is all, this time.

Foggy, cool to cold, almost spooky looking out there this morning.  Beautiful, in an eerie way.  Not much snow around, which is strange.  Nice, for getting out and about and such.  Not good for water in the spring.  This year much, next years some, next year little.  Cycles.

Happy New Year.

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Getting there.  Probably gaming a bit, then on to bed.

Women... on my mind.  Seems wires are crossing from the other direction too.

Maintaining?

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Mostly.  I keep checking the foot, toe.  It seems okay, unless I put too much pressure on it.  Why keep checking it?  Well, first... just to know.  Second?  By checking it, I am testing it, pushing it, aggravating it.  Finding limits, and maybe pushing over those a bit.  Oh, so if I angle it here, and twist just right, and then.  YOUCH!  Hmm, I wonder what other combination hurts really well... or a lot?

I'm... doing well enough that I can handle some serious suffering.  From time to time.  So I do.  It may... help the foot, in time.  It will let me know what my limits are with it, and how to avoid them.  Or... work on them with less pain?  I think the painkiller finally kicked in, or... something has eased.  I don't expect the easing to last through the night.

Foot feeling better?

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Strangely.  Yes.  This front room is 70, which is... warmer than usual.  I didn't turn the heat up, in this room.  So... not sure why?  But it feels cold.  So strange.  The knuckle has reduced in swelling, or the sense of being swollen.  And it just hurts a lot less.  It was feeling better before I decided to take a tylenol, then get around to taking it.  I don't think the painpill helped, at all?  I was hoping it would add to the relief.  If it had come half way after whatever else eased the pain, it would be nearly normalized.  Nope.  Still, half the pain is pretty good.  Not perfect, but pretty good.

I just don't understand why it feels so cold while being, numerically, so warm.  Might just be a side health issue.  Or... humidity, barometric pressure, or whatnot.  The world is a very big very strange anomaly, that doesn't make sense.  Or, well, more that we simply don't understand the sense it obviously does make.  Don't think science understands.  Engineering is good at getting things to work, more or less, or more often than not, or... just more often than otherwise.  Don't.  Know.  Don't let them fool you.

Pretty good, save for that toe.

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Just sleeping was difficult.  The knuckle just hurts, like it had been hit by a sledge hammer.  Swollen in there.  I thought, perhaps, massaging it would help.  No... no not at all.  That just made it a lot worse.  I... still massaged it, for short bits, through the night.  Sometimes you have to do what hurts in order to ease the pain.

Everything else is pretty good.  Hmm, I may take generic tylenol, but just one tab.  Because of the way I am limping, my lower right leg is beginning to cramp too.  In trying to not put too much weight on it, on the way down this morning, I almost slipped and fell.  Now I see why the VA wanted rails.  I was holding onto that, which saved me a pretty serious tumble, from near the top of the stairs.  If, again, I pulled the leg which didn't help with the cramping.  Still, better than the options.  Thankfully I do have some serious upper body strength... given age and illness.  Was able to break the fall, catch the stumbled about halfway into, or through, the fall.  I was going, but could catch well.

My big toe?

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It's back to hurting.  I am stumbling through, all the way starting yesterday.  Do I stub it at night, or... something else.  I haven't been doing well on carnivore of late, so it wouldn't be that.  Besides, this just isn't a food thing.  Inflammation?  Maybe eating the wrong foods, but meat isn't the wrong foods.

It had started with excess fluids.  Ah... I forgot medicine yesterday, and almost today.  I just got morning meds in.  Which, is fine I suppose.  Save that I won't get night pills in.  It may, again, just be fluid buildup.  It doesn't look like it.  If I think the big toe knuckle is susceptible to flooding, until I get and keep it dry for a longer time.

Made it to town.

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An appointment, initially scheduled for 15:30, changed to 13:00, then with some oddities.  I suppose, when discussing time with those who use the am/pm way, tossing a 13:00 or 15:30 in... can cause confusion?  It worked out.  At 13:00, which worked well.

On my way in, I saw an older men, older than me, on the side of the road.  Flat tire, I guessed, and was right.  Time?  Oh well, I pulled over beyond him, and approached pleasantly as possible.  Folk hereabout can go armed, don't just... rush at people.  I spoke to him from a distance.  Asked if he could use some help.

Later than hoped.

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A quarter after midnight.  Had hoped to be to bed earlier.  Kept checking some things with the game.  Then... started playing an alt.  If you don't know, an alt is a 'toon, character, of lower level... played either to try new things, or while the main is stuck, or... for other reasons.  To refresh memory about the early game too.

Time got away from me.  Which... is fine.  It happens.  Just ticked over to Monday, eh?  Okay.

It was warmer through the day, 35 the time I looked.  Raining off and on.  If it continues with anything, it'll probably turn to snow.  Didn't sound like it, but...  Sound like it?  Well, when it snows, the world hushes.  I can... hear that, or the lack of sound.  When vehicles drive by, their noise is absorbed by the snow.

No, it hasn't started snowing.  Raining let off a goodly bit ago.  Cool, but not frigid, yet.  Which suggests it is still cloudy.  When that clears, usually, the temp drops.

It's been a good day.  A little slow.  I did get food made, and dressing.  I did eat, well.  Sassy has been fed well, and her water changed.  An email sent, but was that this morning or last night?  If I do such first thing, or last thing, of the day... memory blurs.

Some wonderful music showing, here and there.  Old music.  Nothing I haven't played a dozen times.  Even if rather a long time back, some of it.  I have been enjoying, in any case.

Yes, on to bed.  Good night.  Sleep well.  Prayers in your direction, for your benefit.  Oh, I could curse you.  Even if that would work, it would only damn me?  Or some such.  Trust me, I would know.  Chosen otherwise.  God can... be persuasive, if you listen, let Him be.  Won't force things, will require... honest assessments.  You can walk away, but if He has warned you, there... that'll hurt.

More like a road sign.  Stop means stop.  Not slow, not sneak through, not... there is a price for ignoring it, disobeying the information, data, wisdom.  It is there for a reason.  Yes, He won't punish you, you will choose to be out of His ability to tend you.  Run away from home, then expect your parents to feed, clothe, and tend you?  It doesn't work that way.  Good night.

Steak.

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I decided to, finally, get at the new york strip.  It's in the oven, heating a bit, before being fried.  Not a really large one, but at a pound, it should do well enough.

It's been a good day.  A bit of heaviness in the chest, but so much better than the last few months?  Or so.  Enough better that I could almost say I feel good.  The last few days have been more pleasant than for a long time.

Did it.

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Not solo, mind you.  The boss that stopped me?  I had to figure out how to get help.  Same with the final boss (which was actually two consecutive bosses without a rest).  I had tried to find help, before.  It just either never worked, or didn't go through, or... else.  I do have the trophy, for what is worth.  Next?  Possibly to see about the final boss in the dlc.  I haven't even bothered?  Or did I give it a whirl or three?

No, I think I did.  Far too fast, and far to hard hitting, for a caster class.  So... I'll see about getting that.  Though, too, one last boss I skipped.  Not required, for anything.  But... it's... the idea?  I'm not sure anyone can help with that boss.  But I have looked up a few ways to... beat that boss a bit more easily?

Okay...

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Down at ~23:15, up at eight.  I can do that.  I'd like to be to bed earlier, and be up earlier.  Though too, I'd like to sleep a little longer?  If I could get down by twenty hundred, up by six?  That, right now, given my levels of exhaustion, would be good.  Just a bit more sleep.  Not sure it is possible, but will be aiming for that, now that I am more awake?  Doing lightly better?  When I am crushed by poor health and whatever else, I don't have a lot of choice.  When I start doing better, I begin not only aiming at things, if not always hitting the target albeit, but being able to bring some force to bear on the matter, force and mind.  Will see.  But that is the plan.

Sleep was very good.  Warm enough, not too warm.  Comfortable.  No itchy scratchy sensations.  I thought something was in my hair, last night.  The only time I have ever had that happen.  but, this morning, while brushing my hair, I found a lock that had become... out of calibration with the rest.  While brushing, it rolled, and... I realized that was it.  Still, that... freaked me out.  If it were to have been a critter, it would have to have been a very small mouse or a very large spider.  And, the hair flop while brushing almost caused me to drop the brush for the same panic I felt earlier.  I flipped it a few times, and... yep.  Just a lock of hair that had gotten out of order... or something like that.  Rare for me.  Especially having showered a day ago or so.  Bleh.  Oh... it had been raining when I was out.  That... can do odd things to my mop.

Hungry.

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I just can't cook more.  Or eat.  Okay.

So... what to do?  Go on to bed?

So rough, difficult.

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I want to sleep.  I can't.  My body is sore, tired, sleepy, exhausted.  Doing anything takes concentrated effort, sometimes for days at a time.  The house is a mess.  I am up on laundry.  Dishes, general upkeep, and some other things however, have me against a wall I can't seem to escape.

Can't sleep, can't be well awake, can't work, can't always cook or eat even if I could cook.  I was able to get potatoes and ham heated or cooked, and down.  While I wasn't hungry, I was hoping food might do some good.  I am sure it did, it's just that I can't tell what that good might have been.  I really hoped food would do something positive for me.  Nope.

Potatoes and ham.

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I put the potatoes to going an half hour before putting the ham in.  Ham is usually already cooked, right?  Well, I think so.  A local store set up ham production, just for Christmas, and other holidays, most likely.  I thought I would give them a shot.  I prefer local, for such things, if at all possible.

Spiral cut, boneless.  Boneless potatoes too.  :p  If things work out, I should have a fine meal in about half an hour or a little less.  Just half the ham went in.  I should have bought less, but... the holiday spirit was pushing me along, so clarity was not a part of it.

Raining and cold.

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Just waking at around noon.  Dreams aplenty.  I'm trying to remember them, and put them to post.  I remember two of the four, which won't quite do.  In time I'll... either just let the project go, or figure out the other two parts.

Hungry, thirsty, and not.  I may get to something, before long.  Or not?  I fed Sassy first thing.  She was pretty hungry.  I am usually up by six to eight, so... she was starving... poor dear.  I mean that, not mocking.  She may be a bit spoiled, but that's not a bad thing?  Limits, but this is just feed schedule.  Most critter types really like regular feeding times.  Some literally need it.

Such dreams.

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In the first one, I was back in high school.  Just about to leave.  Believe it or else, there were a few hens I could have picked from, for... longer relationships.  Marriage, probably.  For my part, I knew better.  Money.  The guys, my age, marrying then, where marrying for sex.  And they got it, for a while.

Whether in the service like me, or on their dad's farm, or getting a degree and then job?  The main problems right away was money.  Money, money, money.  Or sex.  Or sex and money.  The lack of each for the lack of one.  Though, more complicated than that, also... not so much more complicated.

Slogging through.

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I had to get a nap in, early this morning.  From eight to noon?  Or so.  Then I got back up.  Had to work to get up.  Then staggered toward a shower.  Not sure when I got in, but right as I was stepping in, I heard the neighbor clearing the drive, on his machine.  Which... was good.  Snowed, it had.  And might have been difficult to get out.

I sent a thank you text, when I got out.  It's not much, I think it was the father.  Still don't quite know.  Ah... now I do.  It was son the second, so I sent a thanks off to him.  Good to know, and send gratuities as little as that is.

More sleep.

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So very tired.  I keep falling asleep in my chair.  Still surprised I don't fall.  Not yet at least.  But I need more sleep.  Used the teeth machine on my teeth, the swirly not lateral one?  Or such.  Took medicine.  Fed Sassy twice.  But it's back to bed for just a bit.

Ugh.  I've been itching my back like crazy.  Though, it seems, at least for a bit, I have itch managed?  Maybe.  Or I'm just so tired I'm numb to it.  Later.

By 20:00?

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Maybe as much as an hour after?  Some time in there.  I could have been to bed earlier, say 17:30.  I only pushed through hoping to do something.  A shower, put in laundry, set up the dishwasher... something... anything.  It just wasn't going to happen.

It's not even that I gave up, or lost hope.  It's that I began failing.  Falling asleep in my chair, which isn't a chair that is safe to sleep in.  Surprised I haven't fallen out of it yet.

Rough, shaky, tired, pained, but... meh.

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Just a rough day.  I had hoped to get to a few things.  I simply couldn't.  I wanted to, since I wasn't going to be able to work, to play.  The game I've been working on.  I couldn't do that either.  Just rough.  My heart is sore and tired.  My body as rule has no energy.

I did eat, a few times.  Not a lot.  A few pieces of chicken, here and there.  Some salad.  No coffee, or tea.  Just not feeling up to handling that.  Usually I love coffee, but it's pushing too hard lately.  The warmth would have been nice though.

I did get the place warmer.  It didn't mater.  I was cold, even when I had it up into the mid 70s, front and back areas.  I was just cold.  It's... health not being the best is all.  Not like I'm dying, I'm just not even near the peak of my game.  Which is fine.

I heard the doorbell.  But I wasn't ready for company, or delivery, or whatever/whoever it might be.  So I... just... hid.  Quietly sitting.  It was a gift, from a neighbor.  I'll have to ask around, find a thank you card, and get that there.  Such good deeds deserve gratitude.  I much prefer to answer the door.  Sometimes I just can't.  Quite pleasant, though as mentioned, I would have liked to have thanked them in person.

It's nearing bedtime.  I think I shut the furnace down, and the heat in here.  While it was cool all day, it is definitely getting cold.  So... finish up, quickly, have a bit more of the gift and some water, night meds, then get on to bed.  Oh, and feed the furry friend type.

Sleep well.  Stay warm if possible.  Good night.

Awake.

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Sometime after eight, again.  It's here closing on ten, again.  I went to bed closer to 20:00, I think.  Slept warm, and well.  Three liters out.  More, if you count morning first round in there.  That's a lot of fluid.  Back on medicine.  I took that one day off, after dropping seven liters.  More worried about the waterpills, but they all sort of work together.  But, got back on the last two days, right?  Or such.

Fresh air is helping.  Just not as much as hoped?  Which means while that might be part of the problem, the cold, wet, and dark are playing a part of health issues.  Still, okay.  Better than it had been.

Almost bedtime.

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Breathing is just a bit difficult.  No, don't worry.  I've got decades.  Lungs burn just a bit though, and getting enough air in isn't easy.  Not choking on air, just not... sucking enough in to be completely comfortable.  I'll do some meditation tonight, as I go on to bed.  Contemplate the miracle of Christ's birth.  Something about God centric thoughts and mindfulness eases breathing... when I am in a position, space, and state of mind for it.  I practice deeper breathing when I do that, just as when lift weights... when I used to lift weights.

A bit more chicken and some of the salad.  Good enough.  Not hungry enough for steak, or ham.  It was good enough.  Would rather have skipped food altogether, but something stirred.  And it is a holy day.  Extra food seemed reasonable.  And, yes, Sassy gets extra food.  A bit more yesterday, a can more today, and a bit more tomorrow.

Cold.

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Turned the furnace up.  Doesn't really help the sensation.  The temps dropping, out there?  The wet combining with the cold, to sort things?  It almost felt a bit too warm up here, in the front room.  I wondered if someone bumped the heat up, an electric system.  While it can add warmth, the price is more than I prefer.

I turned it off, down?  It didn't seem to move.  Perhaps it had just been turned ever so slightly on?  It is cooler, after doing that, by about four to six degrees.  Not a lot, but when on the edge of cold, six degrees can be... starkly cooler, colder really.  Then again, even in the living room, it just seems much cooler.  Though, perhaps, this room being that much colder draws the heat out.

The last two.

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I did get through to an aunt.  Who as having a meal with my mother when she contacted me back.  Or, it sounded like it?  So, I asked, if she was there, if she would have my mom call me.  She, it ended up, was there.  So... my mother called.

She had not received any notice that I had called or texted (called three times and texted, just today).  I got the call, but while they couldn't hear me, I could hear them talking about... something.  She ended up talking to my on my aunt's phone.

Well, some returns.

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I didn't want to call, and disturb.  Save my mother, but she didn't answer.  So I texted all.  Most responded with holiday salutations.  One, who surprised me, had a running conversation for a bit.  It... was good.  It's been a while.  I meant to add her at Thanksgiving, but was pushing my limits.  She was added this time.

Very good.

It's nearing time for something to eat.  Chicken and some of the salads.  I'll heat the chicken in the oven, how I prefer it.

Merry Christmas!

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I woke at about eight.  Started waking about eight.  I thought I pretty much felt the wrist shake alarm then, then started getting up.  But, after dressing lightly for house functions, coming down and feeding Sassy, getting the machine lit, and such, it is 9:38 by my clock.  Looks like the post timer is accurate these days, for now.  Never count on that, they alter those things as they wish.

Still, awake.  It is a bit dreary out there, no snow.  Oh, but don't discount the beauty of it.  Or that this sort of weather draws people closer?  It shows the mystery.  Which, while a fine thing, on a good day, can be daunting on a bad day.  Other people, as difficult and else they can be, are better company than the cold and damp and unknown on some days.

Good, gooder, and best.

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Two years?  Or so.  Trying to beat a boss.  Refused to move on.  couldn't get it done.  The game allows coop, if random I do believe?  Dunno.  But I never could get that to work, either.  So... I was stuck.  I just happened to see a vid, tonight, about how to do pc summons.  Oh, well, I gave it another... half a dozen attempts?  Or so.  Yea, no.

So, with the summons in, I tried to be a backup cannon.  I kept dying.  Then... I realized?  It... wasn't them.  Well... the first one was a total dud.  He died, with me staying back a bit, letting him do the work?  Like... in 15 seconds.  Okay.  So I tried a few more times, this time pouring it on thick.  Nope.

On to supper.

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I... left my suv running, in the driveway.  What... two, three, hours?  When I realized, I got out, put her up, then shut her down.  Always surprised how little gas was used.  At first, I was thinking that was right from picking up gas, and back.  Which even then wouldn't have been much gas used (in travel, and in idling).  Then I realized, I've been to town twice.  So... it's like idling for that long used... pretty much... no gas?  Yes.  Still, it worries me to have it idle for that long.

I then was looking at my phone, saw that I had messages.  I've been in pretty bad shape, so just didn't notice.  A few from my mom.  Okay.  One of them has her new number.  Apparently, it was decided that she wouldn't use her old number.  Okay.  But, in trying to reset that message, to listen to it again, I hit the erase button.  It's just one up, and I'm not in great shape even today.  So... I got six of the ten numbers.

I texted my brother a few hours ago.  It looks like he is ignoring me.  Okay.  Not much I can do.  Was going to try to call tonight.  I am more sure she wouldn't be doing anything tonight.  Perhaps over to her friend's home?  Or not.  He does what he can, but he is up there too.  Sometimes I think mother forgets that the whole lot of people she knows is... about at our ends.  I won't tell her though, someone has to have hope.  :)

Hopefully she will call me again, leave her number.  I wanted to call when she was less likely to be busy.  Or worn out.  If going shopping crushes me, I am sure just being with a room full of people, even her beloved, absolutely wipes her.  I... try to do things for her favor, when I can see ahead to it.  Not... a good son.  As good of one as I may be.

Brother?  May be holding a grudge, or dying himself.  None of us are in great shape.  Holding on by shoestrings, though thinking everyone else is better, or fine, and just assuming I am being a jerk... just because I can't keep up on things, and run things like a champ.  I don't mind.  I've sinned as such before.

Meh... do what you can.  Know you were honest in your efforts.  And let it be.  God knows, and I don't try to prove my way, or argue my way, to being right... even if I were right.  Which... I don't even assume anymore.  Besides, it isn't about a minute ago, it's about the next minutes.  I can't change the past, I can only attempt to be rightly present now and as I go on.  Some memory, some forethought, presence in the now when possible, patients with others and self, and a smile.  So it goes, as I may.

Oysters.  Yes.  That sounds so good.  Later.  Or good night.

It took a while.

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I meant to check a bit after nine thirty?  Or so.  Didn't end up checking until noon?  Noon thirty more like.  The stores I wanted to visit were open until 17:00, today.  Closed tomorrow.  Good, good.  So, yeah.  I made plans.  To get out immediately.  I know me, time can melt before I seem to blink.

I planned a shower.  Drying off, dressing, and going.  And... thought about it.  Which place to go to first.  What to get.  Else.  Time really almost escaped.  I realized, to get in, I couldn't take a shower.  No energy to do so, less after most likely.  No, I had to skip that.  I had a shower yesterday.  And the day before, I think?  I have been showering well, frequently, just recently.  Maybe a few day skip there.  But even that wasn't proving disastrous.

Awake and fairly better again.

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Improvement is very limited, if improvement is compounding over days.  Just another three quarters of a liter out last night, so I slept fairly well, warmly, and with fresh air.  Not sure if that really helps, but I think so.  That may be what is causing continued improvements?  Though it seems to be warmer out there?

Yes.  The thermometer reads 30, several do.  But, it isn't frozen.  It feels more like a... soft 40.  Water is dripping, from rain.  Foggy.  Very low visibility, here at ground level... perhaps two miles?  Though it may close and open as time goes on.  There is something delicious about fog, rain, this sort of temperature oddity, and such.  As... long as I don't have to drive in it.

Did what I could.

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Added fuel.  Was pretty low.  Grabbed a few burger.  Enjoyed with water.  Got to the post office.  Good thing, it was rather full.

I couldn't go shopping.  In part because I am bit too tired.  The last few days, weeks, months really, have been... difficult.  All good.  I'll make it.  But, for now, I'm a bit shot.  As well, the crowds!  I looked at several stores.  Absolutely cram packed with folk.  At least around here, for the most part, people are... more civil.  Some of that is slipping, but not all of it.

Too funny.

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Write after doing those things, a visitor.  Not... for the reason suspected.  But, all good.  I got a jump start.  The suv is... done charging.  I turned it off, to see.  Started right back up.  Good.  Now to drive a bit.  The post first, though I won't turn it off there.  Then in to get a bite to eat.  Then groceries?  I like the idea.  I think I have enough money.

Oh... wonderful how things sometimes just work out.  Very unexpected visit.  Usually get a call first.  And... was ready for that request, and then some.  Business, but more.  So many favors tended.  I don't know why.  I am grateful.

That didn't work out.

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I had an appointment, this afternoon.  I... was pushing it, slightly.  But was heading out and should have easily been on time.  Grrrrh.  GRRRRRRh.  Nope.  Battery.  That's fine, I've got a jumpstarter and a charger.

In I go.  Around I look.  And?  Nothing.  I got nothing.  Not sure where any of it is.  Not sure the jumpstarter is charged, anyway.  Nor am I sure how long it would take to charge.  Doesn't sound dead, to the bones.  Just... asleep a little too long.

A wonderful sleep.

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Just had to go once.  Half a liter.  Didn't sleep as absolutely shut down as I thought I would, if I wasn't disturbed either.  I woke a few times, with Sassy wanting to snuggle in.  Once to go.  And maybe once or twice as I naturally cycled through various sleep modes.  Though, usually, it was hearing Sassy approach.  No, cats aren't half as sneaky as they would like.  Though... do they make sound when they want to be heard?  Cats, women, similar creatures sometimes, just... thinking.

Teeth brushed, Sassy fed.  I'll give what is in the dryer a short refresh spin.  Start coffee water, then do that whole thing.  A shower before too long after.  I woke a bit after six... ten to half after?  All good.  Looks like it might be raining out there?  Spooky, if it freezes.  If it is freezing as I write.  I saw a county truck, or two, drive through.  If so, they are most likely salting to make sure we don't end up with a glaze of ice.  Or just checking.  I wasn't awake enough to listen closely enough to tell if they were dropping anything.

Just a bit of bragging as I get ready for bed.

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Sassy was fed a final time.  Pleased as punch, she was.  Then laundry shifted.  The last load of wash put into the dryer.  Teeth brushed.  A few other things.  Oh, and I'll... get the thermostat turned down to 66 before I go to bed, and a window cracked and secured as well.

The shower was pleasant, pleasing, warming, comforting, cleansing.  Well, all those good things and maybe healing?  It seems to have improved life just a touch.

A shower.

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Plus laundry started.  What was in the dryer got a wakeup spin.

Just staying awake long enough to put the wash into the dryer.  Oh, and feed Sassy again.  She loves her meals.  Six small ones a day, half the time with four to six treats.  They are small, but to her must seem large?  She quite enjoys what I provide, it I doubt if it's good for her.  It's... just... what I can do.

Better again, by a smidgen.

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Well enough to attempt the mini-boss set, trial and error it a touch, and get it done.  Was trying to obtain something through it.  Through success, obtained the item.

Feeling just a bit better, as mentioned.  Thought to go to bed, on the success.  But, no.  I want to feed Sassy, at the time twice more.  Fed once, the timer set.  I'll feed her in another few hours.  As well, I'd like to take a shower.

Edging better.

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I must admit, while I have gotten used to illness, malady, pain, and such, I really prefer to not have those things.  Of course, you might suggest.  I do complain, from time to time.  Let on.  But, most of the time, I just limp through.  I certainly don't let out a yelp every time things are wrong, I hurt, I feel ill, or I just get lost in the fog of... pain and misery.  The body numbs things, sometimes.  Not sure which is worse.

I was really rough at waking.  Just losing all that fluid.  Why though?  I only took two waterpills yesterday.  And for the last two or three days.  Three for the week before that.  Up to six for a while before that.  But it shouldn't have cause a major flush this far out.

Slightly better.

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The painpills seem to have helped.  Far from in good shaped, though in better shape.  I am trying to do some gaming.  So difficult to focus though.  The gaming isn't for pleasure, it is to push memory, focus, and physical interactions.  As well, possibly, to take my mind off feeling so awful.  It just isn't working.

I can play for bits, but I can't do even minor mini-bosses, or at least sets of them as some things left require.  Certainly not messing with more serious bosses.  I am stuck, on my main, at a boss that I won't go beyond until I defeat.  It is required for some things needed.  While not needed to defeat the game, there are certain things which that 'toon needs, which requires beating that boss next.

That was a very rough night.

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I figured out why my arms hurt, sometimes.  If I have to get up to go to the bathroom several times darning the night, my upper arms are what are used to push me out.  Even four times and I will be sore.  Last night?  I voided almost seven liters, at between a quarter and half a liter per go.  Add up how many times I had to push out of bed, and understand just how badly my arms hurt.

Then consider how much space that fluid was filling.  And, understand, I have large empty spaces my body will have to figure out.  So, yes, my body is in agony this morning.

Good, then rough again.

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Food was good.  I was doing fine.  Then I hit some sort of wall.  It keeps getting worse.  Increments.  Small ones.  Heartburn?  Or... something like it.  Upset stomach?  Mild.  Sore ribs?  But... why?  The other I get from time to time.  Though, no, heartburn is very unusual, these days.  Going keto got rid of most of that, carnivore more so.  Ah, but I have been off my feed bag proper, for a while.  So... okay.

All sorts of little issues.  No clear fix, or immediate issues, just... symptoms.  Small, annoying, increasing in number, if none of them are too awful.  Yet.

Cajun spiced steak.

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This time I used a mortar and pestle, crushing the carolina reaper bits in with say, one part pepper to four parts garlic plus another four parts onion powders... oh, and probably another part salt.  Crush, grind, whirl, until it looks dangerous.  Then two pinches on each side of the steak.  Three?  Depends on how the coverage looks to me.  If my nose goes a bit wild, I... think I'm doing it correctly.

The steak goes, with the pain, into the oven at 350 for fifteen minutes.  The veggies go in a pot, with some butter.  *sneezes*  Definitely got a snootful.  I'm good with the price for the cost?  Yes.  When the timer goes off, then it goes up on a burner, on medium high, for five minutes.  The steak flipped first thing.  Then, another five minutes.

Back to bed, then up again.

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Midnight just wasn't going to do.  Sometime between midnight and two, with no weighting as I simply don't remember, back to bed I went.  Sleep was had with gratitude.

Dreams, which aren't recalled... just that I had them.  I like to think of the more pleasant nature.  Mood indicates so.  A picnic with a past lady friend, a talk of flirtation as we approached... what men and women are together to approach.  Sometimes it takes pleasantries, fond words, caring glances, to get it all to... happen.  But, that seemed the types of dream.

Art, and such.

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Not all art is painted, or otherwise created.  Sometimes it just is.  The art of war, for example.  Such a terrible cost, but too, sometimes of great value.  Worth more than the loss?  There are times and places in which the price can't be questioned.  Other times it absolutely should be.  The beauty in it, if the horror too.

War, if done correctly, isn't about control, power, winning, or else, it is... a feeble attempt at hope.  Taking the term from a mouth thing, to a world thing.  All other forms of war are murder.  Even when the men fighting are doing it rightly, doesn't mean their leaders aren't just getting rich, or doing murder for gain of some sort.

Down and up early.

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Not in the best of ways, but...  I went down just past 18:00.  Eight minutes after was the last time I remember.  Either down here, as I was going up, or up there as I tucked in.  Close enough.  Awake at just shy of midnight.  Why up so early I can't say.

Warm.  I turned the furnace down to 66 before going to bed.  An hour or two before?  Right as I was going upstairs?  I can't be certain.  Even so, it was 57 up there.  When I woke, I think 54 when I went up there.  I... can kick out some warmth.  Though haven't been lately.  All good.

Coffee is so delicious.

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With cream, and a actual keto sweetener formula that sweetens while lowering blood sugar, the stuff is nearly addictive.  I have quit, for a time.  My major issue is finding something that adds enough fat to my diet, anywhere nearly so easily, and in a small enough package that I can actually consume it.  Ribeye is great, for adding a lot of fat.  It's all the protein that goes with it, and bulk.

Don't get me wrong.  I absolutely love ribeye, and better t-bones, porterhouses, new york strips, and a few other things.  Burger can do, but it's... bottom shelf food, at least how they are processing it these days.  Do they even bleed the animals anymore?  Or is it the "pink goo" being added back in that makes burger sloppy, bloody, and too wet?  Something has changed.  Oh, right... /rant... for those of you who know, or remember, minor commands for computers... on old and some new os'es?  Anyway... sure... /rant  = end rant  I wonder if that is just programming language, or if there were other etymological sources?  Such as shorthand, or... morse code, or else?  Nothing ever seems to be the source, just that the source for the seemingly first source wasn't found.  No one reinvents the wheel.  Ask your dad.  :p

Better, and awake.

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Never sure how long feeling well will last.  Though, that I feel better to start the day is always a hopeful sign.  There is still some... minor aches, pains, and tiredness.  It doesn't feel like death though.  Forty years, or going on that, of this.  The last two years have been exceptionally good.  If I still fall into pits of misery from time to time.  Imagine feeling ill, off, tired, exhausted, achy, and hurting for years at a time.

You know, like when you are just off, from the flu or something.  Fevers and chills at times, if rarely.  More that awful feeling like you want to throw up, you just don't feel good.  Food can help, if you can get it down.  Or... it could make it worse.  Depends on the time, and you never quite know which it will be.

Sometimes I wonder.

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I honestly am surprised I haven't died.  The last few days, from time to time, I get the sense things are going wrong.  If so, on medicine?  There wouldn't be much to do about it.

I'll keep going, keep trying.  Pray... for death, or life, whatever God's will might be.  I'm not worried about it either way.  I just feel so rough.  Doesn't make sense.  It reminds me of the high pressure at depth.  Like a bug being crushed by oceanic pressure.  Not anywhere, everywhere.

Rough, again?

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Dragging through life, as if with an anchor, or two, holding me back.  Tired.  A bit off.  A bit ill.  At least I am warm, or mostly.

A shower before long?  Hopefully.  I haven't done any gaming, but am beginning to start on that.  Though I think I'd like to take a shower first.  Perhaps have a bit more steak, reheated.  Then game as I dry off in prep for bedtime.

Impressive.

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Not the meal, though that really was good, needed, wanted, useful, helpful.  A third of a large sirloin and a few smaller bowls of a mix of veggies... corn, peas, and diced tomato.  Oh, just a piece of advice?  Don't get spiced or herbed tomato for longer term storage.  The flavor, heat, and all, goes a bit off pretty quickly.

I have a case or two of (hot) spiced diced tomatoes.  Well within the use by date.  But... the flavor is just wonky.  I remember eating it fresh(er).  It was good.  It is still, roughly, edible.  If pushing that idea.  The new stuff has no basil, or jalapeno and habanero, or such.  I did go with salted, as I think that is a better thing, for longevity?

Why so rough?

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I am trying to push through.  Shoving pain, limitations, troubles, thoughts, fears, aside.  With ease, too, honestly.  It just doesn't matter.  No matter how easily I climb over, crawl under, sidestep, vault, or dodge this, that, and the other things, I still end up getting nowhere.

It doesn't make sense.  It seems no matter how well I do, there is simply too much in my way to ever do more than get a step or two ahead while my goal gets two, three, four steps further out of reach.  I'm not even wearying for the exercise, if too making absolutely no advance.

What?

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Not sure when I went to bed.  It was later though, 20:00, give or take an hour or two?  I was absolutely baked, for no good reason.  No, I took medicine.  Didn't eat, though I only want to eat?  Not sure I can.  There just isn't anything under there that can even handle food right now?  I... may try, anyway, soon.

I awoke at... 7:00 or 19:00?  It took half an hour to wake enough to sort that.  Seven, in the morning, it is.  Was.  Sassy was fed, coffee going in, okay.

No food.

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Nothing?  I did get laundry going, putting the whites in?  No, resetting the dryer.  I started that last night, just ran it through a final time, just in case, this morning.  Haven't... touched it since.

Hungry.  But I just can't cook, thus eat.  I have been feeding Sassy.  Changed her water.  But... that's it.

She certainly is chirping.

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Fairly loudly for such a petite little thing.  

Wow.  Okay.  Nice.

Hmm?

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After seeing else, I... saw this.

You... don't hurt me, or matter.  Right?  Even a broken clock clocks it true twice a day.  I... don't mind.  Not... sure which one you are?  Doesn't matter.

Dreams, again.

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Of her.  Several, though each dream it's own.  She knows I won't be with her, outside of marriage.  Even in dreams I can resist, usually, mostly.  This time, a trick.  We... were both wearing wedding rings.  Both dreams.

Even so, I... knew we weren't married.  It confused me.  Perplexed me.  I... like the idea she was trying to present.  I liked that she went so far as to give in, at least to the idea?  She seems real.  Different faces, but same woman.  Woman?  Not sure she is what she seems, but she is feminine.  Takes a trickster to know one?  *grins*

14:27

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Just a little longer, if at all possible.  Another hour?  So tired.  Maybe not.  Still, even to this time, it is good.  Sore, and all else as this morning.  If too with a bit of a headache.

People seem to have called me out on my dream.  Which, fine.  I thought it would slide, with quiet understood room for... some fibbing of a sort or three.  Women have to understand why some lies must stand.  Men understand things, logically, when explained.  Women know damned well, at a visceral level, that the truth cannot be told because some people don't understand... anything!

Well, fine.

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Just because a dream is spoken in a certain way?  Doesn't mean that is... the absolute truth.  Ask any woman.  She can't tell absolute truths for... many reasons.  Men can be... cute.  but they never understand, even if they seem to follow.  Clueless.

Have you ever heard two drinking buddies suggest they love each other?  You... will never hear a woman say that to a guy friend.  It's... dangerous.  Men take things way wrong, with only the lightest, or even no, intention.  Just like men, often, have to not frown or show anger to blatantly.  Women cannot... tell whole truths, all the time, on every subject.  Which... makes lying a bit of a serious habit, if for the best of intentions.