That didn't work out.

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I had an appointment, this afternoon.  I... was pushing it, slightly.  But was heading out and should have easily been on time.  Grrrrh.  GRRRRRRh.  Nope.  Battery.  That's fine, I've got a jumpstarter and a charger.

In I go.  Around I look.  And?  Nothing.  I got nothing.  Not sure where any of it is.  Not sure the jumpstarter is charged, anyway.  Nor am I sure how long it would take to charge.  Doesn't sound dead, to the bones.  Just... asleep a little too long.

A wonderful sleep.

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Just had to go once.  Half a liter.  Didn't sleep as absolutely shut down as I thought I would, if I wasn't disturbed either.  I woke a few times, with Sassy wanting to snuggle in.  Once to go.  And maybe once or twice as I naturally cycled through various sleep modes.  Though, usually, it was hearing Sassy approach.  No, cats aren't half as sneaky as they would like.  Though... do they make sound when they want to be heard?  Cats, women, similar creatures sometimes, just... thinking.

Teeth brushed, Sassy fed.  I'll give what is in the dryer a short refresh spin.  Start coffee water, then do that whole thing.  A shower before too long after.  I woke a bit after six... ten to half after?  All good.  Looks like it might be raining out there?  Spooky, if it freezes.  If it is freezing as I write.  I saw a county truck, or two, drive through.  If so, they are most likely salting to make sure we don't end up with a glaze of ice.  Or just checking.  I wasn't awake enough to listen closely enough to tell if they were dropping anything.

Just a bit of bragging as I get ready for bed.

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Sassy was fed a final time.  Pleased as punch, she was.  Then laundry shifted.  The last load of wash put into the dryer.  Teeth brushed.  A few other things.  Oh, and I'll... get the thermostat turned down to 66 before I go to bed, and a window cracked and secured as well.

The shower was pleasant, pleasing, warming, comforting, cleansing.  Well, all those good things and maybe healing?  It seems to have improved life just a touch.

A shower.

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Plus laundry started.  What was in the dryer got a wakeup spin.

Just staying awake long enough to put the wash into the dryer.  Oh, and feed Sassy again.  She loves her meals.  Six small ones a day, half the time with four to six treats.  They are small, but to her must seem large?  She quite enjoys what I provide, it I doubt if it's good for her.  It's... just... what I can do.

Better again, by a smidgen.

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Well enough to attempt the mini-boss set, trial and error it a touch, and get it done.  Was trying to obtain something through it.  Through success, obtained the item.

Feeling just a bit better, as mentioned.  Thought to go to bed, on the success.  But, no.  I want to feed Sassy, at the time twice more.  Fed once, the timer set.  I'll feed her in another few hours.  As well, I'd like to take a shower.

Edging better.

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I must admit, while I have gotten used to illness, malady, pain, and such, I really prefer to not have those things.  Of course, you might suggest.  I do complain, from time to time.  Let on.  But, most of the time, I just limp through.  I certainly don't let out a yelp every time things are wrong, I hurt, I feel ill, or I just get lost in the fog of... pain and misery.  The body numbs things, sometimes.  Not sure which is worse.

I was really rough at waking.  Just losing all that fluid.  Why though?  I only took two waterpills yesterday.  And for the last two or three days.  Three for the week before that.  Up to six for a while before that.  But it shouldn't have cause a major flush this far out.

Slightly better.

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The painpills seem to have helped.  Far from in good shaped, though in better shape.  I am trying to do some gaming.  So difficult to focus though.  The gaming isn't for pleasure, it is to push memory, focus, and physical interactions.  As well, possibly, to take my mind off feeling so awful.  It just isn't working.

I can play for bits, but I can't do even minor mini-bosses, or at least sets of them as some things left require.  Certainly not messing with more serious bosses.  I am stuck, on my main, at a boss that I won't go beyond until I defeat.  It is required for some things needed.  While not needed to defeat the game, there are certain things which that 'toon needs, which requires beating that boss next.

That was a very rough night.

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I figured out why my arms hurt, sometimes.  If I have to get up to go to the bathroom several times darning the night, my upper arms are what are used to push me out.  Even four times and I will be sore.  Last night?  I voided almost seven liters, at between a quarter and half a liter per go.  Add up how many times I had to push out of bed, and understand just how badly my arms hurt.

Then consider how much space that fluid was filling.  And, understand, I have large empty spaces my body will have to figure out.  So, yes, my body is in agony this morning.

Good, then rough again.

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Food was good.  I was doing fine.  Then I hit some sort of wall.  It keeps getting worse.  Increments.  Small ones.  Heartburn?  Or... something like it.  Upset stomach?  Mild.  Sore ribs?  But... why?  The other I get from time to time.  Though, no, heartburn is very unusual, these days.  Going keto got rid of most of that, carnivore more so.  Ah, but I have been off my feed bag proper, for a while.  So... okay.

All sorts of little issues.  No clear fix, or immediate issues, just... symptoms.  Small, annoying, increasing in number, if none of them are too awful.  Yet.

Cajun spiced steak.

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This time I used a mortar and pestle, crushing the carolina reaper bits in with say, one part pepper to four parts garlic plus another four parts onion powders... oh, and probably another part salt.  Crush, grind, whirl, until it looks dangerous.  Then two pinches on each side of the steak.  Three?  Depends on how the coverage looks to me.  If my nose goes a bit wild, I... think I'm doing it correctly.

The steak goes, with the pain, into the oven at 350 for fifteen minutes.  The veggies go in a pot, with some butter.  *sneezes*  Definitely got a snootful.  I'm good with the price for the cost?  Yes.  When the timer goes off, then it goes up on a burner, on medium high, for five minutes.  The steak flipped first thing.  Then, another five minutes.

Back to bed, then up again.

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Midnight just wasn't going to do.  Sometime between midnight and two, with no weighting as I simply don't remember, back to bed I went.  Sleep was had with gratitude.

Dreams, which aren't recalled... just that I had them.  I like to think of the more pleasant nature.  Mood indicates so.  A picnic with a past lady friend, a talk of flirtation as we approached... what men and women are together to approach.  Sometimes it takes pleasantries, fond words, caring glances, to get it all to... happen.  But, that seemed the types of dream.

Art, and such.

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Not all art is painted, or otherwise created.  Sometimes it just is.  The art of war, for example.  Such a terrible cost, but too, sometimes of great value.  Worth more than the loss?  There are times and places in which the price can't be questioned.  Other times it absolutely should be.  The beauty in it, if the horror too.

War, if done correctly, isn't about control, power, winning, or else, it is... a feeble attempt at hope.  Taking the term from a mouth thing, to a world thing.  All other forms of war are murder.  Even when the men fighting are doing it rightly, doesn't mean their leaders aren't just getting rich, or doing murder for gain of some sort.

Down and up early.

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Not in the best of ways, but...  I went down just past 18:00.  Eight minutes after was the last time I remember.  Either down here, as I was going up, or up there as I tucked in.  Close enough.  Awake at just shy of midnight.  Why up so early I can't say.

Warm.  I turned the furnace down to 66 before going to bed.  An hour or two before?  Right as I was going upstairs?  I can't be certain.  Even so, it was 57 up there.  When I woke, I think 54 when I went up there.  I... can kick out some warmth.  Though haven't been lately.  All good.

Coffee is so delicious.

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With cream, and a actual keto sweetener formula that sweetens while lowering blood sugar, the stuff is nearly addictive.  I have quit, for a time.  My major issue is finding something that adds enough fat to my diet, anywhere nearly so easily, and in a small enough package that I can actually consume it.  Ribeye is great, for adding a lot of fat.  It's all the protein that goes with it, and bulk.

Don't get me wrong.  I absolutely love ribeye, and better t-bones, porterhouses, new york strips, and a few other things.  Burger can do, but it's... bottom shelf food, at least how they are processing it these days.  Do they even bleed the animals anymore?  Or is it the "pink goo" being added back in that makes burger sloppy, bloody, and too wet?  Something has changed.  Oh, right... /rant... for those of you who know, or remember, minor commands for computers... on old and some new os'es?  Anyway... sure... /rant  = end rant  I wonder if that is just programming language, or if there were other etymological sources?  Such as shorthand, or... morse code, or else?  Nothing ever seems to be the source, just that the source for the seemingly first source wasn't found.  No one reinvents the wheel.  Ask your dad.  :p

Better, and awake.

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Never sure how long feeling well will last.  Though, that I feel better to start the day is always a hopeful sign.  There is still some... minor aches, pains, and tiredness.  It doesn't feel like death though.  Forty years, or going on that, of this.  The last two years have been exceptionally good.  If I still fall into pits of misery from time to time.  Imagine feeling ill, off, tired, exhausted, achy, and hurting for years at a time.

You know, like when you are just off, from the flu or something.  Fevers and chills at times, if rarely.  More that awful feeling like you want to throw up, you just don't feel good.  Food can help, if you can get it down.  Or... it could make it worse.  Depends on the time, and you never quite know which it will be.

Sometimes I wonder.

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I honestly am surprised I haven't died.  The last few days, from time to time, I get the sense things are going wrong.  If so, on medicine?  There wouldn't be much to do about it.

I'll keep going, keep trying.  Pray... for death, or life, whatever God's will might be.  I'm not worried about it either way.  I just feel so rough.  Doesn't make sense.  It reminds me of the high pressure at depth.  Like a bug being crushed by oceanic pressure.  Not anywhere, everywhere.

Rough, again?

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Dragging through life, as if with an anchor, or two, holding me back.  Tired.  A bit off.  A bit ill.  At least I am warm, or mostly.

A shower before long?  Hopefully.  I haven't done any gaming, but am beginning to start on that.  Though I think I'd like to take a shower first.  Perhaps have a bit more steak, reheated.  Then game as I dry off in prep for bedtime.

Impressive.

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Not the meal, though that really was good, needed, wanted, useful, helpful.  A third of a large sirloin and a few smaller bowls of a mix of veggies... corn, peas, and diced tomato.  Oh, just a piece of advice?  Don't get spiced or herbed tomato for longer term storage.  The flavor, heat, and all, goes a bit off pretty quickly.

I have a case or two of (hot) spiced diced tomatoes.  Well within the use by date.  But... the flavor is just wonky.  I remember eating it fresh(er).  It was good.  It is still, roughly, edible.  If pushing that idea.  The new stuff has no basil, or jalapeno and habanero, or such.  I did go with salted, as I think that is a better thing, for longevity?

Why so rough?

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I am trying to push through.  Shoving pain, limitations, troubles, thoughts, fears, aside.  With ease, too, honestly.  It just doesn't matter.  No matter how easily I climb over, crawl under, sidestep, vault, or dodge this, that, and the other things, I still end up getting nowhere.

It doesn't make sense.  It seems no matter how well I do, there is simply too much in my way to ever do more than get a step or two ahead while my goal gets two, three, four steps further out of reach.  I'm not even wearying for the exercise, if too making absolutely no advance.

What?

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Not sure when I went to bed.  It was later though, 20:00, give or take an hour or two?  I was absolutely baked, for no good reason.  No, I took medicine.  Didn't eat, though I only want to eat?  Not sure I can.  There just isn't anything under there that can even handle food right now?  I... may try, anyway, soon.

I awoke at... 7:00 or 19:00?  It took half an hour to wake enough to sort that.  Seven, in the morning, it is.  Was.  Sassy was fed, coffee going in, okay.

No food.

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Nothing?  I did get laundry going, putting the whites in?  No, resetting the dryer.  I started that last night, just ran it through a final time, just in case, this morning.  Haven't... touched it since.

Hungry.  But I just can't cook, thus eat.  I have been feeding Sassy.  Changed her water.  But... that's it.

She certainly is chirping.

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Fairly loudly for such a petite little thing.  

Wow.  Okay.  Nice.

Hmm?

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After seeing else, I... saw this.

You... don't hurt me, or matter.  Right?  Even a broken clock clocks it true twice a day.  I... don't mind.  Not... sure which one you are?  Doesn't matter.

Dreams, again.

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Of her.  Several, though each dream it's own.  She knows I won't be with her, outside of marriage.  Even in dreams I can resist, usually, mostly.  This time, a trick.  We... were both wearing wedding rings.  Both dreams.

Even so, I... knew we weren't married.  It confused me.  Perplexed me.  I... like the idea she was trying to present.  I liked that she went so far as to give in, at least to the idea?  She seems real.  Different faces, but same woman.  Woman?  Not sure she is what she seems, but she is feminine.  Takes a trickster to know one?  *grins*

14:27

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Just a little longer, if at all possible.  Another hour?  So tired.  Maybe not.  Still, even to this time, it is good.  Sore, and all else as this morning.  If too with a bit of a headache.

People seem to have called me out on my dream.  Which, fine.  I thought it would slide, with quiet understood room for... some fibbing of a sort or three.  Women have to understand why some lies must stand.  Men understand things, logically, when explained.  Women know damned well, at a visceral level, that the truth cannot be told because some people don't understand... anything!

Well, fine.

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Just because a dream is spoken in a certain way?  Doesn't mean that is... the absolute truth.  Ask any woman.  She can't tell absolute truths for... many reasons.  Men can be... cute.  but they never understand, even if they seem to follow.  Clueless.

Have you ever heard two drinking buddies suggest they love each other?  You... will never hear a woman say that to a guy friend.  It's... dangerous.  Men take things way wrong, with only the lightest, or even no, intention.  Just like men, often, have to not frown or show anger to blatantly.  Women cannot... tell whole truths, all the time, on every subject.  Which... makes lying a bit of a serious habit, if for the best of intentions.

Just a bit rough.

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My neck hurts.  If you have ever been throat punched, or neck chopped, you have an idea.  As if a few days ago, probably.  Sometimes I healed well, quickly.  Sometimes the strain to the arteries... in this case both sides... and the esophagus.  No skin bruising or else, so... it's just something else.  But feels like pressure bruising.  Yes, I've... had some experience in various pains.  I might not know the technical terms, but I can describe things fairly well.

Warm enough, even with the main of the house only up to 73.  That is enough to satisfy Sassy, for the moment.  I cool it off at night.  She makes do.  During the day, a little more warmth helps, both of us.

Well, maybe?

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It sure looks like someone is saying something.  Using my words, as I use the arts of others?  Three posts, which seem to... intimate a suggestion I have posed?

Warm?

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Very strange.  Well, upstairs it was 52.  I was... fine, comfortable.  I did use the water bottle.  Just one, at two liters, is a little small.  I'll admit that.  I will see if I can find something about double that size.  Having size 15 feet doesn't help, and that is where I use it.  Still, it was... better than nothing.

My feet had gotten cold.  Not from going outside.  From wearing no socks the rest of the day, and sitting in this front room.  Blocks o' ice.  So, yeah, that wasn't good.  I kept hoping to get a shower in, but it never got finished.  Bleh.  So I froze my feet waiting on a plan that never took place.

A 71%.

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A dream.  A college course.  Philosophy.

I wasn't sure if the professor was just a cunt, or a sellout, or what.  Still, wasn't happy.  When I'm not happy about something, I go... face it.  Deal with it.  Win, lose, draw?  Be damned.  So, in I went.

14:30

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A good run.  Wasn't sure how long I would be up.  Now I know.  Yes, time to get on to bed.  No shower.  I did get a second meal in.  Oh, meat is so much more pleasant.  I missed it.  Though salad is very good as well.  Would love a shower.  After getting trash and recycling together and out, cooking or prepping other meals, and such, I am just too done in to consider a shower.

Now, the shower is ready.  I'll take one, I am pretty sure, tomorrow.  And the day after.  I have been taking showers daily, until yesterday.  So... I'm good.  But I don't mind taking daily showers if I can find my way to them.  Loverly.

Wonderful.

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Thought I would shower after getting trash and recycling out.  No... just couldn't get to it.  Haven't gotten to it yet.  But... maybe, shortly.

I did get a salad together, and eaten.  Crumbling half the small, pricey, pack of gorgonzola.  Oh, that was delicious.  After a bit, I got half the remaining two thirds of the steak cut and began frying it.  Three minutes, on each side, twice.  Oh, my word, that was delicious.

Not bad.

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It took all night.  Here it is, almost seven, and I just finally got trash and recycling out.  I began collecting it... a while ago.  Three?  four?  Or... maybe five.  Time isn't relevant hereabouts.  It just happens to be a time, or not, some day, of some week, of some month.  Not... my problem.  Until it is, but then... I figure it out or beg borrow and/or steal my way clean.  Paying when I can.

Out, and to the curb.  Not certain it is recycling day.  Which is fine, there is room for more should that not be collected.  Trash to be certain.  ???  Things are saying it is Monday, and I am all but certain it is morning.  Most of the clocks are on 24-hour mode.  But... sometimes clocks do very strange things, or here.  Still... as sure as I can be.

Awake!

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For a while now, almost an hour?  Or so.  I was awake at 21:30, then fell back into the bedroll.  Snuggled with my dreams.  Sadly, no women in them, just warm sleep... like being in a heated cloud comforter.  Good dreams, those.  Finally made it out about an hour later.  And, warm.  I love dreaming of being in a warm wrap, like a big fluffy cotton candy thing, with warmth, and able to breath easily too.

Warm, when I woke.  Still warm now?  Strange.  I haven't turned the furnace up.  It is set to 66.  But, yes, strangely, I am quite warm.  I may not turn the furnace up, being this comfortable.

I'm done.

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I'm just out of life for the day.  I... all but fell asleep sitting here.  Not feeling good.  Not sure I can sleep.  But even just remaining seated isn't possible going forward.  Thankfully I didn't fall out of my chair to this point.

I did get medicine, both sets, and the rest, in.  A few waters, if not as much as I may need.  Food was eaten, and very happily.  Coffee too.

Difficult.

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It is Sunday.  So... good.  I have a slim chance of getting trash and recycling gathered and out, and whatever is to go, to the curb yet on time.  It's slim because just being awake is painful, tiring in ways I can't explain.  It feels like I... became Humpty-Dumpty, and took a great fall.  Cracked, here and there, heart, internals, else.

Light pains.  I don't think a heart attack, or stroke, or anything like that.  What is wrong?  That I can't say.  I am just... hurting around a lot of edges, feeling like a cracked egg but internally not externally, and other just odd sensations.  Plus my heart just feels tired.  Not unusually, or excessively, compared to when it goes that way.  It goes that way, off and on, and has for decades.

A difficult time.

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Wasn't sure I could do much.  Just waking was an issue.  I... tried for a while.  Failed.  Tried for a bit more.  Failed again.  Then, later, finally, did make it out.  It was just about as difficult the time I was able to get up.

The body is sore from exhaustion.  The body, and the heart more than other things.  Oh, I... have forgotten meds, for a day or two.  And haven't been taking full doses, missing my later set fairly often.  I just... have trouble just living.

Why the feminine.

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I have been being plagued by the feminine.  Oh, not a terrible thing, really.  I've certainly been plagued by more terrible things.  Still, I had to ask myself why.  I have been considering the problem for a while now.

No, witches have no power here.  Save any allowances I might grant.  Granted as sisters, mothers, daughters, not as dark practitioners.  I can shut down darkness easily, and do.  I think even they know it.  Not a grace, the price of... being... a certain sort.

So they say.

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The dark and the light.

A response, or... some added thoughts?

One stone hurt the most.

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Some things hurt more than others.  I thought I wanted the least of the pain, maybe not for the full cost?  Death seemed easier than... being called?

Not thrown, spoken.  The dream confounds.

Life is better.

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The phone works, the vehicle can be driven, and I have food.  Very good.

I'm even warm.  A shower a day for the last three days, then washing clothes and having clean warm clothes to wear, and wearing them... layered and rightly, plus donning them before I became frigid, all lead to warmth.  The furnace is at 66 and I am warm as I would wish, without a watchcap.

Good.

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Looks like things are going to move forward.  I can't remember when I woke up, though I am thinking 21:30, roughly, if well.

My feet felt slightly afire, and cold, but were neither.  Not sure what the problem is.  They are room temperature or warmer.  Just... one of those things.

Knock-Knock

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Who is there?

Oh... it's you.

Well?

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I am not sure, but I think I started the last load of laundry.  No dishes started.  Falling down, falling apart, crashing.  I think I am done.  I have been done for an hour or two, just... gliding through, hoping to figure... something else out.  But no.  And I won't be staying up until midafternoon again.  I'll make it just through this post, and then up the steps on to bed.

That shower was wonderful.  Getting laundry going was good.  Would have liked to have gotten dishes loaded, and gotten trash and recycling together and out, but that just wasn't possible.  I hurt.  At least I am warmer.  I've been dressing, and warmly, and right after getting just dry enough after showering.  Still a bit cool, but not frigid, mostly.

Out of food?

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Maybe.  It more depends on if some of the old storage butter is still good, or not.  The last can I opened was a bit rancid, too rancid.  But that can had been kept up here over the summer, at least.  It gets rather warm up here.  Though, even if I find a bit of good butter, that leaves me with veggies and maybe some canned bread.

Shouldn't eat it, but trying to use up my larder.  The bread that is.  Though, to be honest, it doesn't bump my blood sugar too much, unless I eat it daily for a week.  Ask me how I know.  Without butter, I just don't like veggies.  And, while I do have canned meats, they don't go well with this brown bread.  I suppose, eating the bread with a lot of butter, is what keeps the blood sugar spike flatter.

Almost to midnight.

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I made it into the afternoon... 14:00, 14:30?  Not 15:00, beyond 13:30 certainly.  If, as mentioned, I was technically already asleep.  Still, only eight hoursish down.  Annoying, but at least the downtime is shifting, if I can't sleep more.  I'd really like ten to twelve hours of sleep a few days in a row.  That would be nice.  I feel the need, just don't have the means.

A vid keeps popping.  She knows, some things.  We... have had moments, where we feared and were disgusted with each other.  We have considered hating each other.  But, while we have... reasons for some of those ideas, they aren't truths.  Moments, gaining understandings... about ourselves, and each other.  Cow*!  Pig!  Accidents happen?

More things.

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Laundry switched over, given a spin.  Fresh put in.  More to do, soon.  A shower taken, as well.  And dressed, more warmly, if still cold.  I'll try to get more done yet today.  Would like to finish washing blankets in the next few days.

I took a peak outdoors.  It is ten F, so, yes, okay, cold.  It settles in, and around.  Even with the furnace up, it just doesn't warm.

Bullet of God.

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Quite a dream.  Dream?

I saw a bullet.  Some larger three hundred caliber.  Probably .308, as those are favored.  But... it could be one of the sister calibers.  Two marks on it.  Letters.  Not English, or German, or Italian... Greek?  I... was the bullet.

Nearing noon.

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Totally baked, smashed, crashing.  Still, will push as far as I can.

Reminds me of when I used to drink.  To be honest, because of this?  I honestly don't think alcohol was the problem.  Some days, no matter, I feel awful.  Though... I drank to find relief, and sometimes that followed through from the time of drinking to several days or weeks later.  Sometimes not so much.

If you dive?

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Dive deep.  Tea.  I have been drinking tea for years.  Slowly, over time, I have compared and contrasted this and that tea.  I have learned bits, and portions, and notions, and such, but only in parts.  Never a full course on the topic.  Why not?  Because it was... annoying.  I just... wanted tea.  I didn't what to have to think about it.

Finally, though, as I realize better teas are actually worth a bit more money?  But not all?  And then, at some point, tastes, preferences, come into play?  Well... rather than buy $40 of even a few ounces of good tea, but of a sort I didn't like?  I... wanted to look at grade, type, more information to allow me a better chance at choosing a tea I like, at various price points.

Up at twenty hundred.

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I tried to push through.  Couldn't.  Down at noon, if I remember correctly.  Achy, sore, but not terribly bad.  And, will probably get better quickly.  Have the last few days.  Forgot medicine yesterday, back on it today.  Doing what I can.

A few blankets in the wash, first thing.  When they are finished, I'll get a shower.  Or that is the plan.  After the shower, the goal is to empty a bunch of jars, and get them washing in the machine.  As well, possibly, another blanket or two, and some clothes, in and through the wash tonight.  Just enough clothes to get to town and feel like I am not stinky, my clothes are clean and smell fresh.  Just enough for that.  Several layers.  Some tshirts, a few business style shirts or at least dress-casuals.  And a pair of pants or two.  Hmm, and some socks.  Synthetics, as they can be washed with standards.  Then again, my "slacks" are synthetic cargo pocket tradesman type pants.  So... it works.

Stumbling through.

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I have the urge to throw up, go to the bathroom, and go to bed.  None of the urges are strong enough to engage into action.  But, with a mild if solid headache, sleep looks like the direction I will go.  An attempt to hide from the headache, barring taking painpills.  I have to Wednesday, and doubt I would take those even then, at this level of pain.

Bah!  Just not right.

I can stand!

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For days I haven't been able to more than scoot, or limp, along.  Not able to put all my weight even on my heel.  I had to twist my foot, use the edge of it on that foot.  I couldn't even put my full weight just on that heel.  Now I can.  More I can put my full weight on my foot, flat.

I can't walk, with the full weight.  I can stand.  Very nice.  I can mostly walk, mostly regularly.  And, for a short distance, I might be able to take the pain so as to look like I wasn't a gimp.  One should know how dangerous it is out there, for those who are perceived as weak.  I know this.

To understand.

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A dream.  Oh, I... know.  At once, I thought He did as He did to spare life.

It wasn't true.  He was sparing souls.  Many.  The life was just an extra.  Maybe even the point of salvation.  But it... wasn't the goal, just the means?

Good, bad, and confused.

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Better, this morning, or... my night... evening, afternoon?  I think it would be evening, and late evening if I did regular days.  Too late.  Past bedtime really.  So I am thinking that way.

Better, but not all better.  The foot is... completely healed again.  Well, okay, not completely healed.  I am still lightly limping.  But just a bit ago, I was walking on the edge of my foot because I could not put any weight on the flat.  I couldn't even stand.  The swelling, and pain, were too much.  The pain was present even when my foot was lifted so no weight or angular events were occurring.  It just hurt.

Never sure.

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Mockery, encouragement, simping, or... some such?  Had to laugh.  And... not?  I enjoy the show as much as others.  Not always for the same reason.

Hmm?  Oh, video pops that made me do some addition, subtraction, and cross my eyes just a wee.

Food.

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Very good.  Was so hungry.  I did eat yesterday, but not much for a while before.  Oh, and I pretty much ate the steak whole.  Remember, these aren't small.  These are inch and a half steaks.  Steaks, usually, I eat over three to four days.  So I was very hungry.

Chicken arrived.  I ate three, thighs as it turned out.  The store was out of drumsticks.  All good.  Thighs are preferred, to be honest.

When to bed?

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No idea.  Awake around 18:00?  Give or take up to a score.  That's... twenty for you illiterates.  :p  Minutes, for those even less inclined to word and time tech.  :)

I hurt when I went to bed.  Should have gone to bed earlier?  Or... everything is just out of cync.  A bit of each.  And I feel rough on waking.  As if I had a good solid beating a few days ago.  Actually perhaps even just yesterday.  Sometimes I healed extremely quickly, sometimes it hurt badly for a week.  Depending on how many people were beating on me, or how well they were at their chosen temp hobby.  Some men, and boys, hit like girls.  I... almost felt bad for them, especially after I finished.  Almost.

Someone is saying something.

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I mean, technically, I fit in the second group this man discusses.  Beaten, burned, cut, shot, nearly shot, etc.  I haven't seen everything.  I have seen a lot of forms of violence.  Endured?  I would say endured.  I didn't seek it out.  Usually.  Everyone who comes to know violence has to go through a maturing process.  One hopefully they make it through.  So, there were times I was, or tried, to be a bully.

Whether right or wrong, I have gotten my ass handed to me.  Sometimes I pushed through, until I won.  Sometimes I... realized I was wrong and just ate it.  Learning lesson.  One of my favorite losses was absolutely deserved.  Could have been worse, too.  It's strange though?  When you... are right... true?  You can sometimes punch a thousand pounds above your weightclass.  But when you are wrong?  For me, it was like I became glass.

Ouch.

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Not the worst I have felt.  Aches and pains are back.  No other flu symptoms, but that achy creaky body is in full measure against my health and wellbeing.  As well, my toe!  It had recovered, fully.  It was back to only needing a soft limp, and not hurting constantly, or drasticly.  I swear, someone came in last night and hurt it.  Oh, limping down the stairs was horrible this morning.

Oh well.  I'm planning another shower in a bit.  And then planning to get the dishwasher back in action.  Slowly but surely clearing dishes.  If it's a bit crusty, I soak it with other things that have stuff glommed on.  Though, put some things in that were rough, dried on, but not too serious or bad.  And the machine did pretty good.

Had hoped to have been in bed hours ago.

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It just didn't happen.  So tired, but...  Now, I did get a shower in.  It was wonderful.  I didn't get more dishes started.  That will happen, when it happens.  When I can.  It will.  I'll get through things as quickly as I can.  I just ran out of time, space, energy, and more.

But that shower was fantastic, and overdo.  Needed, wanted, warming, and delicious.  I had hoped to get through it, then to bed, in order to do some things out and about today.  Not... possible.  But... I do have what is needed.  I just need to be awake at the right time, have enough energy, and remain clean.  So... I'll be showering daily, through the weekend.  As well, get the dishes going.

Shower time.

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I'll have tea after?  Maybe.  The dishwasher finally popped open, it does that on it's auto dry setting.  Which... doesn't really work?  Then again, I haven't seen a comparison of it not auto drying, so... maybe it works?  Ah... when I get loads down correctly, I'll compare.

Oh, plus, check the temperature and humidity in the house.  I think I have barometer too.  There are... other things.  But those three should manage an accurate enough comparison.  Though I'd have to chart these things?  And, preferably, run the loads at the same time of the day?  Or give or take.  At certain times of the day, temp fluctuations are minimal.  I could probably do a load at, say, ten.  Then do loads from noon on to 17:00 and have them all be relatively static.

Must remember.

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I reloaded the dishwasher, with the last of the really large, bulky, items and what else I could add while leaving a lot of room to make sure things get clean.  Of course, taking out what had been washed and putting those things away.  Better.  I... love when things get done.

I have been working on these things for a while.  Or... planning them, intending to do them, such.  I just couldn't stand, or walk well, for long.  It wasn't just the swollen feet and legs, though that was a part of it.  It was memory, focus, and such, as well.  A bit better, on all fronts.  Medicine, this time, is helping more than crushing me.  Though I'm not suffering heat.  The cold can get to me, but it's not usually as bad.  I can handle the cold much better than the heat, even as I have vastly improved my heat tolerance as blood sugar has tempered.  Ugh.

It has started.

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Yesterday, really.  Dishes, the dishwasher... loading and running.  Two loads, so far.  Not huge loads.  I have a lot of odd sized items.  Pots, pans, large utensils, plus a ton of flatware.  All of it.  Two sets, essentially, plus extra odds and ends such as oriental stainless soup spoons (very nice for stews and other liquid based meals), extended teaspoons (think for shakes, back in the day), and some normal things.

Two loads through, and emptied.  One load going now.  A few more loads to go?  I don't know.  I'm not very good at getting things in.  And the large sized items make that a bit confusing for me.  I'll... learn, as I go along.  After this load, I'll try to get, say... a third to half of what is left in and through in the next load?  Who knows.  I'll keep at it, now that I have it going.

Sleep is sliding.

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Every day, lately, sleep has been sliding a few to several hours.  Up at 18:00?  Give or take a half hour.  Down around eight?  Noon?  I just can be sure.  I just know that... waking at 18:00ish is opposed to waking around six a week or two ago?  Time is sliding.  I have no idea when or what... was happening... for some time now.  I'm lost in sleep, partial wakefulness, the dark, and cold.

I keep trying to play the game, but have no ability to focus well enough to play.  I would guess I have played less than two hours in the last two weeks.  And... I want to play, I just don't have a way to get to it.  I haven't been cooking, much.  Or eating.  Mostly drinking water.  I am back to medicine.

Food and the q.o.d. visiting?

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I've been trying to figure some things out, or again, more, better?  Or such.  I need to begin eating more often again, but more meat again.  Though, a few additives, such as salads thus dressings are also in the mix.

So, some things showed.  I grabbed one or two, went looking for a few others, and found a nice little collection.

Boi, was that HOT.

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I had put together an 'italian' dressing a while back.  Forgot it, and the romaine.  Strangely enough, the lettuce is still good.  The dressing is fine, having been put into an airtight container, if left at room temp.

Olive oil, the best and surest I could find at an affordable (enough) price, apple cider vinegar with the mother, salt, both black and white pepper, several italian favored spices and herbs, and of course some heat.  I think I even used the older hot spice, just a bit more of it.

Dishes, and missed again.

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Don't take it personally.  Trust me when I say, a free meal, I wouldn't have to cook myself, or clean up after, is... golden.  Saying hello to real people, without going into some sort of personal debt is also golden.  I... do like to see people.  I don't get to, often.  Even though I may be strange, I am more simple than it might seem.  A few minutes of talk, an hello here or there, perhaps news or information, local, regional, or larger, is always interesting.

I don't miss things lightly.  I miss things because I am a broken device which can't sleep, or wake, walk well, or am in some level of pain.  Currently, walking very well is a bit beyond my ability.  My feet burn.

Something makes sense, now.

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Remember the vid, on Neanderthals?  Right.  And the notions that they had huge lungs, a trait I share?  Well, regardless if this is due to genetic connections, there has always been a problem, for me.  Having huge lungs is great.  But, without a big nose by which to carburate air?  I choke, often.  I NEED more air.  Always have.  Always felt like if my nose just had bigger inlets life would be better.  And it would be.  I've got a smaller, for my size almost delicate, nose.

Yes.  That came to me earlier in the day.  It always feels blocked up, even when it plainly isn't.  And things like vick's, while it helps in some ways, it doesn't help nearly enough.  A bit late in life for a consideration, but if I was younger, I would have considered altering my nose so as to bring in more air.

Roasted chicken and cabbage.

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Not a fancy meal?  Though, rather a bit of a luxury, given the cost.  Cabbage is cheap, whole roasters, even by lower per pound prices, given how much bone there is, actually is a richer meal.  Not prime rib or ribeye prices.  Though, probably closer, by actual pound of meat, than might be suspected?

All I know is that it came out well.  Juicy, not overdone, tasty.  I did brine it for an hour or two.  Salt, but onion and garlic powder, rosemary, sage, and... something else.  Yes, it did impart a wonderful taste and aroma.  The cabbage was quite good too.

Someone speaks.

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Using tools I have used for tongues.

Knowing yourself, and your enemy, will only lead to victory, if you are true.

Rough.

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I ate too much yesterday.  And... everything in the line just... stopped.  Plus, with the beans making gas, it made for a miserable night.

I was able to put out some, and pee a bit.  But I was absolutely stuff, plus bloating, all through the night.  Though, the last two hours, or so, ended up being better.  Must have passed enough gas, through the night, and voided pee enough, to allow some comfort finally.

Even guys?

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Oh, I... recognized some things.  Or... saw what others were seeing, saying.  So I... went there.  Mostly chicks, I thought.  Guys, too, it seems.

Now I'm wondering.  Pretty sure even the guys seem to think so?

Pudding?

Proof.

Awake.

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Woke just after noonthirty.  Not feeling great, but not as bad as it has been.  The aches and pains are back, but lightly.  The toe knuckle isn't screaming, isn't even swollen?  The skin on the feet still burn, if more gently.  Hobbling about is doable, mostly.  And without agony, just slight suffering.

Exhausted, if not sleepy.  A form of being tired that simply means I don't have much energy, focus, or access to memory all that well, and yet can't really sleep.

Estrogen all over everything.

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Oh, I don't mind.  I get the scent of... cinnamon buns, home made caramels, fried chicken, and lipstick.  Oh, and a hint of a parfum or three... well, and the scent of the purists, and... really purist purists.  Still, it's... around.  Hateful?  And curious.  Feminine.  Nosy.  Looking under rocks, even those.  Women.  Ladies?  Grins.

Oh, the videos.  Wonderful, or not.  Hundreds have clamored for eye space, time.  Some were dumped, some were allowed, only few are showing up.  Not... all are being showed because they are preferred.  Just... they were... a part of it.  So few will be showed.  Though, I did drop all the patriarchy ones.  Pretty much.

Better?

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Almost?  I went to bed late, but when it was comfortable.  And woke late, when it fit.  I couldn't do things on my schedule, so did them when they were reasonable.  When I was able, not when I wanted to do them.  It makes sense, but sometimes my stubborn streak sees me pushing things way out of shape trying to do things my way.

If I tried to work a nine to five, or some other scheduled life, I couldn't do it.  Thankfully, that isn't required.  Frustrating, though.  If nothing else, I would like to be more social.  It just isn't possible.  Social requires... some sort of scheduling.  I don't have that.

Who knew?

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She's... still reading, listening.  Yeah.  I thought she had flown the nest a bit ago.

Oh?  Oh yes.

I had to chuckle.

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Someone was saying something, or coincidences are real.  Since I don't believe the latter, if I also don't necessarily believe the former, I am left with what is.  I will let you decide.  Oh, there was more, but this is what I will share.

Brats, and more.

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I did get the chicken brats going.  But, while scrounging, I found beef based 'polish' sausages.  Which are usually, as well, pork.  However, I can't find pork brats or polish sausages that don't have sugar, or soy, or... who knows what all.  Some of it can't honestly be pronounced correctly, because it was meant to be not understood.

Anyway, while beef and chicken sausages aren't as rich?  If they are not contaminated with chemicals, I'll... take that.  Into the oven, allowed to brown well, nearly burn... get a good crisp skin.  Then I added sauerkraut and a bit extra vinegar.

Someone remembered.

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The problems with peeing.  Too much, too often, at night... I've dealt with this before.  And, found a video about it.  Besides being a babe, this woman had really good advice.  So, I'll... play it again.

Yes, carbonated water.  I began drinking more, and more, and more.  And, for a bit, that helped.  But I had forgotten that it can disturb the bladder.  I need to get the r.o. machine back in operation.  So I have some flatwater, to drink with the carbonated.  Mix and match, adding electrolytes, and such.

Very strange.

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Still awake.  My clocks are reading 1:19, or... were when I started writing this.  The problem with that?  They... have been reading for 1:19 for... hours?  It seems like that.  The second to the last time I fed Sassy, I am sure it read 1:19 exactly.  So... when I just checked the time, I expected it to be around four, or five.

I promise I am not having a breakdown.  I'm not even that tired.  Something very strange just happened.  Or... is happening?  No worries.

I ought to go on to bed, but I am... voiding so well I would rather push through a bit more awake time, and dump more fluid.  I have done really well today, with that.  If I had to say, I'd put money that I have put out ten to fifteen liters.  I roughly measure it, being that I need to get rid of it.  But there has been so much outgoing, and so often, that a bit of an estimation at the readings means I could be off by a lot.  But in that range.

So, yes, I have been drinking too.  Perhaps I am being a bit too clever by far.  Or the balance isn't good.  I do what I can.  Think of the large volume coming in as a parachute to manage the vast volume going out.  Without it, I'd hit hard.  I've dehydrated, harshly, before.  Dangerous county.  I'm doing what I can.

Well?  On to bed, I think.  Good night.

Well fed.

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No, not just myself.  Sassy has been quite well fed today as well.  And given plenty of attention.  I don't bother her every time I walk past, half the time, or a bit more... or less.  Just a bit of soft scratching behind the ears, a light massage of body, or legs and paws.  A smile, and kind word.  Just to make sure she knows she is loved.

Sometimes she quite enjoys, sometimes she suggests I move on along.  But, if I then pass her up a few times, she might ask what's wrong.  Silly girl.  She's at least as bad as I am?  *sigh*  But, life is pretty good.

Rememberings.

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You... had to be there?

Texts away.

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Such... a good, non-intrusive, way to... be a party to others.  I... wish I had thought of it before.  There are some people, like me or not, who I... wish to share these things with.  Smoke signals just don't work.  And calling can be a bit invasive.  But texts?  That... works.  And, then, people know.

As a fact, I my increase the circle with whom I text.  Not a lot.  There are a few.  Oh... one more?  I... sort of fear some.  Have become a stranger.  And, yet, how can family be strangers?  And... well wishes always seem welcome.  Especially from tards.  :p

Happy Thanksgiving.

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I hope you find yourself somewhere warm, hopefully with some food, and possibly with neighbors, friends, kin.  Though, if like me, sort of adrift, I'll place a few calls.  I do have food, and the furnace is set to nicely warm the place.  Some days, the last several really, I... have been enjoying a bit more warmth.

Though, if you forget, as I almost did?  Thanksgiving can be any day, and should be most of them.  Any time you have a good meal, give thanks.  One time a year?  I feel bad for those who are only pleased one day a year!  I'd suggest branching out.  I do.

Supper and coffee helped.

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Fluid is... draining down.  The burning sensation from my knees on down is easing.  Pretty constant, not as harsh.  A bit of a fever now though?  Yes, just under the skin, on the face.  Still, rather calm, easy enough.  No serious pain.  Actually, other than the burning feet on down, no other pain, aches, or negative sensations.

As well, the food warmed the body.  As a whole.  So, now I have a slight fever instead of the chills?  Though, I suspect rather than trading, I would have ended up with both.  Having both, at the same time, is the worst.  I'm adding dabs of vick's under my nose, a few times a day.  It helps too.  I don't slather it like my mother did, but using enough to keep the airways open.  It seems to be pleasant, as a general rule, just simply.  I may buy another tub or two.  To have one upstairs, and on just... for extra.  This stuff is really good, at least when something is going around.  Hmm, and aspirin.  I don't need the heavy stuff, but aspirin would be good for the fever.  It... can help.

Oh, and... visitors.  From afar.  Some known, some not.  I'll... put something together.  For Friday, or Saturday.  Had to laugh, just a bit.  Later, or good night.

So cold!

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I've had heated food, twice.  I have the furnace up, a lot.  I'm dressed very warmly.  And I am still absolutely freezing.  I'll see about coffee, and another meal?  Sure.

Though, too, I may just go on to bed shortly.  Little sleep doesn't help.  If that isn't the main thing.

Rough, doubly so.

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Didn't get to bed until well after four.  Perhaps six, eight?  Just... couldn't sleep.  Didn't game.  Just surfed the internet for no good ends.  Drifting, you know.

Trying to figure out how many waterpills to take, and when.  Still absolutely bloated from fluid buildup.  I asked a friend if he had ever heard of, or maybe tasted, roasted peeled, grapes.  Well, this isn't a food thing, but... that is more or less what my feet feel like.

Is she a bitch?

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Some people, things... saying things.

Yes... I remember, hear, feel.

A better morning.

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Up at eight thirty?  A bit before, a bit after, but... yea.  More sleep.  Needed light to wake?  Or... what of it is available.  It's a gloompuss day.  All good though.

Sassy fed.  I had some corn and peas, again.  Coffee as well.

Not bad.

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Anything I eat, at this point, has the potential to push nausea, or relieve it.  Wasn't sure which way pickled pork hocks would go.  But really wanted some meat.  It isn't the most delicious, thinking more fried, roasted, or such, for meat.  But it surprisingly eased my nausea.  And, was somewhat satisfying.

There were only a few pieces, from the old jug.  I wasn't sure if the new jug would be better, being fresh.  Or if... pickled is pickled, so it wouldn't matter.  I do think the fresher is better.  Both are rather old, but have been refrigerated the whole time.  It's just that with one, the seal was broken probably six months ago?  Or longer.  Oh well.

Have you ever wanted to throw up?

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I was hoping coffee would do it.  Oh, I love coffee.  But in certain conditions, it can push things.  So, I good strong press was brewed.  Nope.  It made it just enough better that it will last longer.

Just... need food?  Or something.  Something is just wrong.  I need food.  Can't cook.  Can't drive.  What I have won't do.

I wasn't the only one.

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He was already in town, but working on a leak at his folks' house.  So... not so much.  But I get it.  He had to help me with a similar situation, not long ago.  Odd how those things can happen.  He just won't be able to do this, and that.  And time is... what it is.

Yes, those jobs can eat time.  And are vital.  His father has a good son.  Several of them, really.  But one of them is good, and handy.

Cold salad and warm corn.

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Not... as filling as... well... about as filling as it sounds.  Not... just not much.  I can't really get to more.  Hungry, enough.  To eat.  Just not able to cook, and don't have anything to cook.  Thought about getting out, but realized my tags are... needing renewed.  Don't want to risk it, until I am going in for that.  Sure would like chicken, or... something.  Fried chicken would be nice, even.  Food, something more solid, real.  Ugh.

Still not feeling good though, either.  The painpills did their thing, for now.  It's not all pain, as the problem.  A very light feverishness, the symptoms of a minor headache even if the pain is mostly subdued, and mild gastro issues.  Plus hunger.  Hmm, there might... be another way.  A favor, asked.  Though... with benefits.  Fly?  I'll buy.  Will see.  Can ask, innit?

Hours to get through.

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.

Trying to find out who to call, about tags for my vehicle.  Which office.  I was transferred to five offices, sent to two others.  None of them had information.  One number seems to have no one manning it.  I finally found a list of offices, and chose the ones more likely to work.  And?

The first office, the one I thought, was... if not it, had the information I needed.  Two hours, calling in every eight to ten minutes.  Trying to get through to some of the numbers given.  This isn't state level, it is county level.  They either didn't know, or didn't want to help.  Difficult to know.

Late down and up.

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Midnight, right before, before I went down.  I had planned, hoped, thought, I would be down by 19:30, at the latest.  I just fell... awake?  Insomnia, perhaps, a minor spell of it.  Then, not up until 8:30.  I struggled with it, from seven on.  It was as good as I could do.

Achy, still.  Sore.  Not as bad as it was, not great.  Then again, it is going from good to bad to good, worse then better, over time.  Meh.

Bedtime is closing in.

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I just can't game.  Not facing anything too difficult, if everything seems difficult at the moment.  The headache has returned, and maybe a bit of a fever.  Body aches, and such.  No, it wasn't the chicken sausages.  That's a different thing, when it happens.  Some of it sounds similar, but it feels much different.

No, this is the flu.  Perhaps coming back.  Or some other thing, a harsh cold.  Nothing really serious, just irritating.  If it lasts a day or two I will be surprised.  But I'll stay in until I am finished with it.  I don't worry about my health getting worse, I simply don't want to give people what I've got.  Even if it is mild.  Though, what is mild for me, in spite of my health flaws, seems to take other people down hard, for more like a week.

Much better browned a bit more.

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The brats were browned, skins crisped.  As well, the sauerkraut was even ever so slightly browned, almost burned in streaks.  Added... a little something to it.  As a general rule, I wouldn't go that way.  But with chicken based brats, yes.  I think that worked better.  Still, not exactly my favorite meal.  But, in this case, as a beggar of sorts, I can't be a chooser.

Drinking a lot of water, as it goes out, something has to come back in.  The trick is to find balance.  I took a few extra waterpills yesterday and today.  Will probably take just one extra the next few days.  Then back it down to normal, if the legs and feet are looking more human.

Different.

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I bought bratwursts.  I didn't look at every single tiny detail.  What I was looking for was anything that should be in food, while striking unimportant things.  Organic garlic?  Doesn't matter, especially if it is from China.  That is no more organic, by American food standards, than I am a dwarf.  Besides, even in America, both the label and it's value even if technically legit, are of dubious concerns.

So, garlic powder, onion powder, and so on.  No soy, no sugar (of any sort), no artificial flavors, no "natural" flavorings, no colors, no... you... get the point.  And, these were all good, in that.  What I didn't notice is that the meat was not pork, but chicken.

Such strange mornings.

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I slept mostly well.  A little cooler.  I think it's because, as I lose fluid, my body has to reshape things.  And... that leaves me vulnerable to the cold.  Same as when I gain a lot of water weight quickly.  Shape shifting has costs.

Though, this morning, I was seeing light, seep through into my sleep.  I... couldn't wake up though.  Not... fully.  I kept trying to find which light was on, and turn it off.  When I was finally able to wake enough to consciously do more than understand light was an issue, I... realized the problem.