Made it to town.

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An appointment, initially scheduled for 15:30, changed to 13:00, then with some oddities.  I suppose, when discussing time with those who use the am/pm way, tossing a 13:00 or 15:30 in... can cause confusion?  It worked out.  At 13:00, which worked well.

On my way in, I saw an older men, older than me, on the side of the road.  Flat tire, I guessed, and was right.  Time?  Oh well, I pulled over beyond him, and approached pleasantly as possible.  Folk hereabout can go armed, don't just... rush at people.  I spoke to him from a distance.  Asked if he could use some help.

Later than hoped.

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A quarter after midnight.  Had hoped to be to bed earlier.  Kept checking some things with the game.  Then... started playing an alt.  If you don't know, an alt is a 'toon, character, of lower level... played either to try new things, or while the main is stuck, or... for other reasons.  To refresh memory about the early game too.

Time got away from me.  Which... is fine.  It happens.  Just ticked over to Monday, eh?  Okay.

It was warmer through the day, 35 the time I looked.  Raining off and on.  If it continues with anything, it'll probably turn to snow.  Didn't sound like it, but...  Sound like it?  Well, when it snows, the world hushes.  I can... hear that, or the lack of sound.  When vehicles drive by, their noise is absorbed by the snow.

No, it hasn't started snowing.  Raining let off a goodly bit ago.  Cool, but not frigid, yet.  Which suggests it is still cloudy.  When that clears, usually, the temp drops.

It's been a good day.  A little slow.  I did get food made, and dressing.  I did eat, well.  Sassy has been fed well, and her water changed.  An email sent, but was that this morning or last night?  If I do such first thing, or last thing, of the day... memory blurs.

Some wonderful music showing, here and there.  Old music.  Nothing I haven't played a dozen times.  Even if rather a long time back, some of it.  I have been enjoying, in any case.

Yes, on to bed.  Good night.  Sleep well.  Prayers in your direction, for your benefit.  Oh, I could curse you.  Even if that would work, it would only damn me?  Or some such.  Trust me, I would know.  Chosen otherwise.  God can... be persuasive, if you listen, let Him be.  Won't force things, will require... honest assessments.  You can walk away, but if He has warned you, there... that'll hurt.

More like a road sign.  Stop means stop.  Not slow, not sneak through, not... there is a price for ignoring it, disobeying the information, data, wisdom.  It is there for a reason.  Yes, He won't punish you, you will choose to be out of His ability to tend you.  Run away from home, then expect your parents to feed, clothe, and tend you?  It doesn't work that way.  Good night.

Steak.

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I decided to, finally, get at the new york strip.  It's in the oven, heating a bit, before being fried.  Not a really large one, but at a pound, it should do well enough.

It's been a good day.  A bit of heaviness in the chest, but so much better than the last few months?  Or so.  Enough better that I could almost say I feel good.  The last few days have been more pleasant than for a long time.

Did it.

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Not solo, mind you.  The boss that stopped me?  I had to figure out how to get help.  Same with the final boss (which was actually two consecutive bosses without a rest).  I had tried to find help, before.  It just either never worked, or didn't go through, or... else.  I do have the trophy, for what is worth.  Next?  Possibly to see about the final boss in the dlc.  I haven't even bothered?  Or did I give it a whirl or three?

No, I think I did.  Far too fast, and far to hard hitting, for a caster class.  So... I'll see about getting that.  Though, too, one last boss I skipped.  Not required, for anything.  But... it's... the idea?  I'm not sure anyone can help with that boss.  But I have looked up a few ways to... beat that boss a bit more easily?

Okay...

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Down at ~23:15, up at eight.  I can do that.  I'd like to be to bed earlier, and be up earlier.  Though too, I'd like to sleep a little longer?  If I could get down by twenty hundred, up by six?  That, right now, given my levels of exhaustion, would be good.  Just a bit more sleep.  Not sure it is possible, but will be aiming for that, now that I am more awake?  Doing lightly better?  When I am crushed by poor health and whatever else, I don't have a lot of choice.  When I start doing better, I begin not only aiming at things, if not always hitting the target albeit, but being able to bring some force to bear on the matter, force and mind.  Will see.  But that is the plan.

Sleep was very good.  Warm enough, not too warm.  Comfortable.  No itchy scratchy sensations.  I thought something was in my hair, last night.  The only time I have ever had that happen.  but, this morning, while brushing my hair, I found a lock that had become... out of calibration with the rest.  While brushing, it rolled, and... I realized that was it.  Still, that... freaked me out.  If it were to have been a critter, it would have to have been a very small mouse or a very large spider.  And, the hair flop while brushing almost caused me to drop the brush for the same panic I felt earlier.  I flipped it a few times, and... yep.  Just a lock of hair that had gotten out of order... or something like that.  Rare for me.  Especially having showered a day ago or so.  Bleh.  Oh... it had been raining when I was out.  That... can do odd things to my mop.

Hungry.

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I just can't cook more.  Or eat.  Okay.

So... what to do?  Go on to bed?

So rough, difficult.

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I want to sleep.  I can't.  My body is sore, tired, sleepy, exhausted.  Doing anything takes concentrated effort, sometimes for days at a time.  The house is a mess.  I am up on laundry.  Dishes, general upkeep, and some other things however, have me against a wall I can't seem to escape.

Can't sleep, can't be well awake, can't work, can't always cook or eat even if I could cook.  I was able to get potatoes and ham heated or cooked, and down.  While I wasn't hungry, I was hoping food might do some good.  I am sure it did, it's just that I can't tell what that good might have been.  I really hoped food would do something positive for me.  Nope.

Potatoes and ham.

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I put the potatoes to going an half hour before putting the ham in.  Ham is usually already cooked, right?  Well, I think so.  A local store set up ham production, just for Christmas, and other holidays, most likely.  I thought I would give them a shot.  I prefer local, for such things, if at all possible.

Spiral cut, boneless.  Boneless potatoes too.  :p  If things work out, I should have a fine meal in about half an hour or a little less.  Just half the ham went in.  I should have bought less, but... the holiday spirit was pushing me along, so clarity was not a part of it.

Raining and cold.

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Just waking at around noon.  Dreams aplenty.  I'm trying to remember them, and put them to post.  I remember two of the four, which won't quite do.  In time I'll... either just let the project go, or figure out the other two parts.

Hungry, thirsty, and not.  I may get to something, before long.  Or not?  I fed Sassy first thing.  She was pretty hungry.  I am usually up by six to eight, so... she was starving... poor dear.  I mean that, not mocking.  She may be a bit spoiled, but that's not a bad thing?  Limits, but this is just feed schedule.  Most critter types really like regular feeding times.  Some literally need it.

Such dreams.

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In the first one, I was back in high school.  Just about to leave.  Believe it or else, there were a few hens I could have picked from, for... longer relationships.  Marriage, probably.  For my part, I knew better.  Money.  The guys, my age, marrying then, where marrying for sex.  And they got it, for a while.

Whether in the service like me, or on their dad's farm, or getting a degree and then job?  The main problems right away was money.  Money, money, money.  Or sex.  Or sex and money.  The lack of each for the lack of one.  Though, more complicated than that, also... not so much more complicated.

Slogging through.

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I had to get a nap in, early this morning.  From eight to noon?  Or so.  Then I got back up.  Had to work to get up.  Then staggered toward a shower.  Not sure when I got in, but right as I was stepping in, I heard the neighbor clearing the drive, on his machine.  Which... was good.  Snowed, it had.  And might have been difficult to get out.

I sent a thank you text, when I got out.  It's not much, I think it was the father.  Still don't quite know.  Ah... now I do.  It was son the second, so I sent a thanks off to him.  Good to know, and send gratuities as little as that is.

More sleep.

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So very tired.  I keep falling asleep in my chair.  Still surprised I don't fall.  Not yet at least.  But I need more sleep.  Used the teeth machine on my teeth, the swirly not lateral one?  Or such.  Took medicine.  Fed Sassy twice.  But it's back to bed for just a bit.

Ugh.  I've been itching my back like crazy.  Though, it seems, at least for a bit, I have itch managed?  Maybe.  Or I'm just so tired I'm numb to it.  Later.

By 20:00?

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Maybe as much as an hour after?  Some time in there.  I could have been to bed earlier, say 17:30.  I only pushed through hoping to do something.  A shower, put in laundry, set up the dishwasher... something... anything.  It just wasn't going to happen.

It's not even that I gave up, or lost hope.  It's that I began failing.  Falling asleep in my chair, which isn't a chair that is safe to sleep in.  Surprised I haven't fallen out of it yet.

Rough, shaky, tired, pained, but... meh.

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Just a rough day.  I had hoped to get to a few things.  I simply couldn't.  I wanted to, since I wasn't going to be able to work, to play.  The game I've been working on.  I couldn't do that either.  Just rough.  My heart is sore and tired.  My body as rule has no energy.

I did eat, a few times.  Not a lot.  A few pieces of chicken, here and there.  Some salad.  No coffee, or tea.  Just not feeling up to handling that.  Usually I love coffee, but it's pushing too hard lately.  The warmth would have been nice though.

I did get the place warmer.  It didn't mater.  I was cold, even when I had it up into the mid 70s, front and back areas.  I was just cold.  It's... health not being the best is all.  Not like I'm dying, I'm just not even near the peak of my game.  Which is fine.

I heard the doorbell.  But I wasn't ready for company, or delivery, or whatever/whoever it might be.  So I... just... hid.  Quietly sitting.  It was a gift, from a neighbor.  I'll have to ask around, find a thank you card, and get that there.  Such good deeds deserve gratitude.  I much prefer to answer the door.  Sometimes I just can't.  Quite pleasant, though as mentioned, I would have liked to have thanked them in person.

It's nearing bedtime.  I think I shut the furnace down, and the heat in here.  While it was cool all day, it is definitely getting cold.  So... finish up, quickly, have a bit more of the gift and some water, night meds, then get on to bed.  Oh, and feed the furry friend type.

Sleep well.  Stay warm if possible.  Good night.

Awake.

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Sometime after eight, again.  It's here closing on ten, again.  I went to bed closer to 20:00, I think.  Slept warm, and well.  Three liters out.  More, if you count morning first round in there.  That's a lot of fluid.  Back on medicine.  I took that one day off, after dropping seven liters.  More worried about the waterpills, but they all sort of work together.  But, got back on the last two days, right?  Or such.

Fresh air is helping.  Just not as much as hoped?  Which means while that might be part of the problem, the cold, wet, and dark are playing a part of health issues.  Still, okay.  Better than it had been.

Almost bedtime.

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Breathing is just a bit difficult.  No, don't worry.  I've got decades.  Lungs burn just a bit though, and getting enough air in isn't easy.  Not choking on air, just not... sucking enough in to be completely comfortable.  I'll do some meditation tonight, as I go on to bed.  Contemplate the miracle of Christ's birth.  Something about God centric thoughts and mindfulness eases breathing... when I am in a position, space, and state of mind for it.  I practice deeper breathing when I do that, just as when lift weights... when I used to lift weights.

A bit more chicken and some of the salad.  Good enough.  Not hungry enough for steak, or ham.  It was good enough.  Would rather have skipped food altogether, but something stirred.  And it is a holy day.  Extra food seemed reasonable.  And, yes, Sassy gets extra food.  A bit more yesterday, a can more today, and a bit more tomorrow.

Cold.

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Turned the furnace up.  Doesn't really help the sensation.  The temps dropping, out there?  The wet combining with the cold, to sort things?  It almost felt a bit too warm up here, in the front room.  I wondered if someone bumped the heat up, an electric system.  While it can add warmth, the price is more than I prefer.

I turned it off, down?  It didn't seem to move.  Perhaps it had just been turned ever so slightly on?  It is cooler, after doing that, by about four to six degrees.  Not a lot, but when on the edge of cold, six degrees can be... starkly cooler, colder really.  Then again, even in the living room, it just seems much cooler.  Though, perhaps, this room being that much colder draws the heat out.

The last two.

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I did get through to an aunt.  Who as having a meal with my mother when she contacted me back.  Or, it sounded like it?  So, I asked, if she was there, if she would have my mom call me.  She, it ended up, was there.  So... my mother called.

She had not received any notice that I had called or texted (called three times and texted, just today).  I got the call, but while they couldn't hear me, I could hear them talking about... something.  She ended up talking to my on my aunt's phone.

Well, some returns.

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I didn't want to call, and disturb.  Save my mother, but she didn't answer.  So I texted all.  Most responded with holiday salutations.  One, who surprised me, had a running conversation for a bit.  It... was good.  It's been a while.  I meant to add her at Thanksgiving, but was pushing my limits.  She was added this time.

Very good.

It's nearing time for something to eat.  Chicken and some of the salads.  I'll heat the chicken in the oven, how I prefer it.

Merry Christmas!

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I woke at about eight.  Started waking about eight.  I thought I pretty much felt the wrist shake alarm then, then started getting up.  But, after dressing lightly for house functions, coming down and feeding Sassy, getting the machine lit, and such, it is 9:38 by my clock.  Looks like the post timer is accurate these days, for now.  Never count on that, they alter those things as they wish.

Still, awake.  It is a bit dreary out there, no snow.  Oh, but don't discount the beauty of it.  Or that this sort of weather draws people closer?  It shows the mystery.  Which, while a fine thing, on a good day, can be daunting on a bad day.  Other people, as difficult and else they can be, are better company than the cold and damp and unknown on some days.

Good, gooder, and best.

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Two years?  Or so.  Trying to beat a boss.  Refused to move on.  couldn't get it done.  The game allows coop, if random I do believe?  Dunno.  But I never could get that to work, either.  So... I was stuck.  I just happened to see a vid, tonight, about how to do pc summons.  Oh, well, I gave it another... half a dozen attempts?  Or so.  Yea, no.

So, with the summons in, I tried to be a backup cannon.  I kept dying.  Then... I realized?  It... wasn't them.  Well... the first one was a total dud.  He died, with me staying back a bit, letting him do the work?  Like... in 15 seconds.  Okay.  So I tried a few more times, this time pouring it on thick.  Nope.

On to supper.

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I... left my suv running, in the driveway.  What... two, three, hours?  When I realized, I got out, put her up, then shut her down.  Always surprised how little gas was used.  At first, I was thinking that was right from picking up gas, and back.  Which even then wouldn't have been much gas used (in travel, and in idling).  Then I realized, I've been to town twice.  So... it's like idling for that long used... pretty much... no gas?  Yes.  Still, it worries me to have it idle for that long.

I then was looking at my phone, saw that I had messages.  I've been in pretty bad shape, so just didn't notice.  A few from my mom.  Okay.  One of them has her new number.  Apparently, it was decided that she wouldn't use her old number.  Okay.  But, in trying to reset that message, to listen to it again, I hit the erase button.  It's just one up, and I'm not in great shape even today.  So... I got six of the ten numbers.

I texted my brother a few hours ago.  It looks like he is ignoring me.  Okay.  Not much I can do.  Was going to try to call tonight.  I am more sure she wouldn't be doing anything tonight.  Perhaps over to her friend's home?  Or not.  He does what he can, but he is up there too.  Sometimes I think mother forgets that the whole lot of people she knows is... about at our ends.  I won't tell her though, someone has to have hope.  :)

Hopefully she will call me again, leave her number.  I wanted to call when she was less likely to be busy.  Or worn out.  If going shopping crushes me, I am sure just being with a room full of people, even her beloved, absolutely wipes her.  I... try to do things for her favor, when I can see ahead to it.  Not... a good son.  As good of one as I may be.

Brother?  May be holding a grudge, or dying himself.  None of us are in great shape.  Holding on by shoestrings, though thinking everyone else is better, or fine, and just assuming I am being a jerk... just because I can't keep up on things, and run things like a champ.  I don't mind.  I've sinned as such before.

Meh... do what you can.  Know you were honest in your efforts.  And let it be.  God knows, and I don't try to prove my way, or argue my way, to being right... even if I were right.  Which... I don't even assume anymore.  Besides, it isn't about a minute ago, it's about the next minutes.  I can't change the past, I can only attempt to be rightly present now and as I go on.  Some memory, some forethought, presence in the now when possible, patients with others and self, and a smile.  So it goes, as I may.

Oysters.  Yes.  That sounds so good.  Later.  Or good night.

It took a while.

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I meant to check a bit after nine thirty?  Or so.  Didn't end up checking until noon?  Noon thirty more like.  The stores I wanted to visit were open until 17:00, today.  Closed tomorrow.  Good, good.  So, yeah.  I made plans.  To get out immediately.  I know me, time can melt before I seem to blink.

I planned a shower.  Drying off, dressing, and going.  And... thought about it.  Which place to go to first.  What to get.  Else.  Time really almost escaped.  I realized, to get in, I couldn't take a shower.  No energy to do so, less after most likely.  No, I had to skip that.  I had a shower yesterday.  And the day before, I think?  I have been showering well, frequently, just recently.  Maybe a few day skip there.  But even that wasn't proving disastrous.

Awake and fairly better again.

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Improvement is very limited, if improvement is compounding over days.  Just another three quarters of a liter out last night, so I slept fairly well, warmly, and with fresh air.  Not sure if that really helps, but I think so.  That may be what is causing continued improvements?  Though it seems to be warmer out there?

Yes.  The thermometer reads 30, several do.  But, it isn't frozen.  It feels more like a... soft 40.  Water is dripping, from rain.  Foggy.  Very low visibility, here at ground level... perhaps two miles?  Though it may close and open as time goes on.  There is something delicious about fog, rain, this sort of temperature oddity, and such.  As... long as I don't have to drive in it.

Did what I could.

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Added fuel.  Was pretty low.  Grabbed a few burger.  Enjoyed with water.  Got to the post office.  Good thing, it was rather full.

I couldn't go shopping.  In part because I am bit too tired.  The last few days, weeks, months really, have been... difficult.  All good.  I'll make it.  But, for now, I'm a bit shot.  As well, the crowds!  I looked at several stores.  Absolutely cram packed with folk.  At least around here, for the most part, people are... more civil.  Some of that is slipping, but not all of it.

Too funny.

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Write after doing those things, a visitor.  Not... for the reason suspected.  But, all good.  I got a jump start.  The suv is... done charging.  I turned it off, to see.  Started right back up.  Good.  Now to drive a bit.  The post first, though I won't turn it off there.  Then in to get a bite to eat.  Then groceries?  I like the idea.  I think I have enough money.

Oh... wonderful how things sometimes just work out.  Very unexpected visit.  Usually get a call first.  And... was ready for that request, and then some.  Business, but more.  So many favors tended.  I don't know why.  I am grateful.

That didn't work out.

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I had an appointment, this afternoon.  I... was pushing it, slightly.  But was heading out and should have easily been on time.  Grrrrh.  GRRRRRRh.  Nope.  Battery.  That's fine, I've got a jumpstarter and a charger.

In I go.  Around I look.  And?  Nothing.  I got nothing.  Not sure where any of it is.  Not sure the jumpstarter is charged, anyway.  Nor am I sure how long it would take to charge.  Doesn't sound dead, to the bones.  Just... asleep a little too long.

A wonderful sleep.

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Just had to go once.  Half a liter.  Didn't sleep as absolutely shut down as I thought I would, if I wasn't disturbed either.  I woke a few times, with Sassy wanting to snuggle in.  Once to go.  And maybe once or twice as I naturally cycled through various sleep modes.  Though, usually, it was hearing Sassy approach.  No, cats aren't half as sneaky as they would like.  Though... do they make sound when they want to be heard?  Cats, women, similar creatures sometimes, just... thinking.

Teeth brushed, Sassy fed.  I'll give what is in the dryer a short refresh spin.  Start coffee water, then do that whole thing.  A shower before too long after.  I woke a bit after six... ten to half after?  All good.  Looks like it might be raining out there?  Spooky, if it freezes.  If it is freezing as I write.  I saw a county truck, or two, drive through.  If so, they are most likely salting to make sure we don't end up with a glaze of ice.  Or just checking.  I wasn't awake enough to listen closely enough to tell if they were dropping anything.

Just a bit of bragging as I get ready for bed.

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Sassy was fed a final time.  Pleased as punch, she was.  Then laundry shifted.  The last load of wash put into the dryer.  Teeth brushed.  A few other things.  Oh, and I'll... get the thermostat turned down to 66 before I go to bed, and a window cracked and secured as well.

The shower was pleasant, pleasing, warming, comforting, cleansing.  Well, all those good things and maybe healing?  It seems to have improved life just a touch.

A shower.

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Plus laundry started.  What was in the dryer got a wakeup spin.

Just staying awake long enough to put the wash into the dryer.  Oh, and feed Sassy again.  She loves her meals.  Six small ones a day, half the time with four to six treats.  They are small, but to her must seem large?  She quite enjoys what I provide, it I doubt if it's good for her.  It's... just... what I can do.

Better again, by a smidgen.

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Well enough to attempt the mini-boss set, trial and error it a touch, and get it done.  Was trying to obtain something through it.  Through success, obtained the item.

Feeling just a bit better, as mentioned.  Thought to go to bed, on the success.  But, no.  I want to feed Sassy, at the time twice more.  Fed once, the timer set.  I'll feed her in another few hours.  As well, I'd like to take a shower.

Edging better.

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I must admit, while I have gotten used to illness, malady, pain, and such, I really prefer to not have those things.  Of course, you might suggest.  I do complain, from time to time.  Let on.  But, most of the time, I just limp through.  I certainly don't let out a yelp every time things are wrong, I hurt, I feel ill, or I just get lost in the fog of... pain and misery.  The body numbs things, sometimes.  Not sure which is worse.

I was really rough at waking.  Just losing all that fluid.  Why though?  I only took two waterpills yesterday.  And for the last two or three days.  Three for the week before that.  Up to six for a while before that.  But it shouldn't have cause a major flush this far out.

Slightly better.

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The painpills seem to have helped.  Far from in good shaped, though in better shape.  I am trying to do some gaming.  So difficult to focus though.  The gaming isn't for pleasure, it is to push memory, focus, and physical interactions.  As well, possibly, to take my mind off feeling so awful.  It just isn't working.

I can play for bits, but I can't do even minor mini-bosses, or at least sets of them as some things left require.  Certainly not messing with more serious bosses.  I am stuck, on my main, at a boss that I won't go beyond until I defeat.  It is required for some things needed.  While not needed to defeat the game, there are certain things which that 'toon needs, which requires beating that boss next.

That was a very rough night.

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I figured out why my arms hurt, sometimes.  If I have to get up to go to the bathroom several times darning the night, my upper arms are what are used to push me out.  Even four times and I will be sore.  Last night?  I voided almost seven liters, at between a quarter and half a liter per go.  Add up how many times I had to push out of bed, and understand just how badly my arms hurt.

Then consider how much space that fluid was filling.  And, understand, I have large empty spaces my body will have to figure out.  So, yes, my body is in agony this morning.

Good, then rough again.

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Food was good.  I was doing fine.  Then I hit some sort of wall.  It keeps getting worse.  Increments.  Small ones.  Heartburn?  Or... something like it.  Upset stomach?  Mild.  Sore ribs?  But... why?  The other I get from time to time.  Though, no, heartburn is very unusual, these days.  Going keto got rid of most of that, carnivore more so.  Ah, but I have been off my feed bag proper, for a while.  So... okay.

All sorts of little issues.  No clear fix, or immediate issues, just... symptoms.  Small, annoying, increasing in number, if none of them are too awful.  Yet.

Cajun spiced steak.

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This time I used a mortar and pestle, crushing the carolina reaper bits in with say, one part pepper to four parts garlic plus another four parts onion powders... oh, and probably another part salt.  Crush, grind, whirl, until it looks dangerous.  Then two pinches on each side of the steak.  Three?  Depends on how the coverage looks to me.  If my nose goes a bit wild, I... think I'm doing it correctly.

The steak goes, with the pain, into the oven at 350 for fifteen minutes.  The veggies go in a pot, with some butter.  *sneezes*  Definitely got a snootful.  I'm good with the price for the cost?  Yes.  When the timer goes off, then it goes up on a burner, on medium high, for five minutes.  The steak flipped first thing.  Then, another five minutes.

Back to bed, then up again.

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Midnight just wasn't going to do.  Sometime between midnight and two, with no weighting as I simply don't remember, back to bed I went.  Sleep was had with gratitude.

Dreams, which aren't recalled... just that I had them.  I like to think of the more pleasant nature.  Mood indicates so.  A picnic with a past lady friend, a talk of flirtation as we approached... what men and women are together to approach.  Sometimes it takes pleasantries, fond words, caring glances, to get it all to... happen.  But, that seemed the types of dream.

Art, and such.

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Not all art is painted, or otherwise created.  Sometimes it just is.  The art of war, for example.  Such a terrible cost, but too, sometimes of great value.  Worth more than the loss?  There are times and places in which the price can't be questioned.  Other times it absolutely should be.  The beauty in it, if the horror too.

War, if done correctly, isn't about control, power, winning, or else, it is... a feeble attempt at hope.  Taking the term from a mouth thing, to a world thing.  All other forms of war are murder.  Even when the men fighting are doing it rightly, doesn't mean their leaders aren't just getting rich, or doing murder for gain of some sort.

Down and up early.

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Not in the best of ways, but...  I went down just past 18:00.  Eight minutes after was the last time I remember.  Either down here, as I was going up, or up there as I tucked in.  Close enough.  Awake at just shy of midnight.  Why up so early I can't say.

Warm.  I turned the furnace down to 66 before going to bed.  An hour or two before?  Right as I was going upstairs?  I can't be certain.  Even so, it was 57 up there.  When I woke, I think 54 when I went up there.  I... can kick out some warmth.  Though haven't been lately.  All good.

Coffee is so delicious.

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With cream, and a actual keto sweetener formula that sweetens while lowering blood sugar, the stuff is nearly addictive.  I have quit, for a time.  My major issue is finding something that adds enough fat to my diet, anywhere nearly so easily, and in a small enough package that I can actually consume it.  Ribeye is great, for adding a lot of fat.  It's all the protein that goes with it, and bulk.

Don't get me wrong.  I absolutely love ribeye, and better t-bones, porterhouses, new york strips, and a few other things.  Burger can do, but it's... bottom shelf food, at least how they are processing it these days.  Do they even bleed the animals anymore?  Or is it the "pink goo" being added back in that makes burger sloppy, bloody, and too wet?  Something has changed.  Oh, right... /rant... for those of you who know, or remember, minor commands for computers... on old and some new os'es?  Anyway... sure... /rant  = end rant  I wonder if that is just programming language, or if there were other etymological sources?  Such as shorthand, or... morse code, or else?  Nothing ever seems to be the source, just that the source for the seemingly first source wasn't found.  No one reinvents the wheel.  Ask your dad.  :p

Better, and awake.

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Never sure how long feeling well will last.  Though, that I feel better to start the day is always a hopeful sign.  There is still some... minor aches, pains, and tiredness.  It doesn't feel like death though.  Forty years, or going on that, of this.  The last two years have been exceptionally good.  If I still fall into pits of misery from time to time.  Imagine feeling ill, off, tired, exhausted, achy, and hurting for years at a time.

You know, like when you are just off, from the flu or something.  Fevers and chills at times, if rarely.  More that awful feeling like you want to throw up, you just don't feel good.  Food can help, if you can get it down.  Or... it could make it worse.  Depends on the time, and you never quite know which it will be.

Sometimes I wonder.

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I honestly am surprised I haven't died.  The last few days, from time to time, I get the sense things are going wrong.  If so, on medicine?  There wouldn't be much to do about it.

I'll keep going, keep trying.  Pray... for death, or life, whatever God's will might be.  I'm not worried about it either way.  I just feel so rough.  Doesn't make sense.  It reminds me of the high pressure at depth.  Like a bug being crushed by oceanic pressure.  Not anywhere, everywhere.

Rough, again?

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Dragging through life, as if with an anchor, or two, holding me back.  Tired.  A bit off.  A bit ill.  At least I am warm, or mostly.

A shower before long?  Hopefully.  I haven't done any gaming, but am beginning to start on that.  Though I think I'd like to take a shower first.  Perhaps have a bit more steak, reheated.  Then game as I dry off in prep for bedtime.

Impressive.

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Not the meal, though that really was good, needed, wanted, useful, helpful.  A third of a large sirloin and a few smaller bowls of a mix of veggies... corn, peas, and diced tomato.  Oh, just a piece of advice?  Don't get spiced or herbed tomato for longer term storage.  The flavor, heat, and all, goes a bit off pretty quickly.

I have a case or two of (hot) spiced diced tomatoes.  Well within the use by date.  But... the flavor is just wonky.  I remember eating it fresh(er).  It was good.  It is still, roughly, edible.  If pushing that idea.  The new stuff has no basil, or jalapeno and habanero, or such.  I did go with salted, as I think that is a better thing, for longevity?

Why so rough?

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I am trying to push through.  Shoving pain, limitations, troubles, thoughts, fears, aside.  With ease, too, honestly.  It just doesn't matter.  No matter how easily I climb over, crawl under, sidestep, vault, or dodge this, that, and the other things, I still end up getting nowhere.

It doesn't make sense.  It seems no matter how well I do, there is simply too much in my way to ever do more than get a step or two ahead while my goal gets two, three, four steps further out of reach.  I'm not even wearying for the exercise, if too making absolutely no advance.

What?

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Not sure when I went to bed.  It was later though, 20:00, give or take an hour or two?  I was absolutely baked, for no good reason.  No, I took medicine.  Didn't eat, though I only want to eat?  Not sure I can.  There just isn't anything under there that can even handle food right now?  I... may try, anyway, soon.

I awoke at... 7:00 or 19:00?  It took half an hour to wake enough to sort that.  Seven, in the morning, it is.  Was.  Sassy was fed, coffee going in, okay.

No food.

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Nothing?  I did get laundry going, putting the whites in?  No, resetting the dryer.  I started that last night, just ran it through a final time, just in case, this morning.  Haven't... touched it since.

Hungry.  But I just can't cook, thus eat.  I have been feeding Sassy.  Changed her water.  But... that's it.

She certainly is chirping.

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Fairly loudly for such a petite little thing.  

Wow.  Okay.  Nice.

Hmm?

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After seeing else, I... saw this.

You... don't hurt me, or matter.  Right?  Even a broken clock clocks it true twice a day.  I... don't mind.  Not... sure which one you are?  Doesn't matter.

Dreams, again.

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Of her.  Several, though each dream it's own.  She knows I won't be with her, outside of marriage.  Even in dreams I can resist, usually, mostly.  This time, a trick.  We... were both wearing wedding rings.  Both dreams.

Even so, I... knew we weren't married.  It confused me.  Perplexed me.  I... like the idea she was trying to present.  I liked that she went so far as to give in, at least to the idea?  She seems real.  Different faces, but same woman.  Woman?  Not sure she is what she seems, but she is feminine.  Takes a trickster to know one?  *grins*

14:27

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Just a little longer, if at all possible.  Another hour?  So tired.  Maybe not.  Still, even to this time, it is good.  Sore, and all else as this morning.  If too with a bit of a headache.

People seem to have called me out on my dream.  Which, fine.  I thought it would slide, with quiet understood room for... some fibbing of a sort or three.  Women have to understand why some lies must stand.  Men understand things, logically, when explained.  Women know damned well, at a visceral level, that the truth cannot be told because some people don't understand... anything!

Well, fine.

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Just because a dream is spoken in a certain way?  Doesn't mean that is... the absolute truth.  Ask any woman.  She can't tell absolute truths for... many reasons.  Men can be... cute.  but they never understand, even if they seem to follow.  Clueless.

Have you ever heard two drinking buddies suggest they love each other?  You... will never hear a woman say that to a guy friend.  It's... dangerous.  Men take things way wrong, with only the lightest, or even no, intention.  Just like men, often, have to not frown or show anger to blatantly.  Women cannot... tell whole truths, all the time, on every subject.  Which... makes lying a bit of a serious habit, if for the best of intentions.

Just a bit rough.

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My neck hurts.  If you have ever been throat punched, or neck chopped, you have an idea.  As if a few days ago, probably.  Sometimes I healed well, quickly.  Sometimes the strain to the arteries... in this case both sides... and the esophagus.  No skin bruising or else, so... it's just something else.  But feels like pressure bruising.  Yes, I've... had some experience in various pains.  I might not know the technical terms, but I can describe things fairly well.

Warm enough, even with the main of the house only up to 73.  That is enough to satisfy Sassy, for the moment.  I cool it off at night.  She makes do.  During the day, a little more warmth helps, both of us.

Well, maybe?

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It sure looks like someone is saying something.  Using my words, as I use the arts of others?  Three posts, which seem to... intimate a suggestion I have posed?

Warm?

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Very strange.  Well, upstairs it was 52.  I was... fine, comfortable.  I did use the water bottle.  Just one, at two liters, is a little small.  I'll admit that.  I will see if I can find something about double that size.  Having size 15 feet doesn't help, and that is where I use it.  Still, it was... better than nothing.

My feet had gotten cold.  Not from going outside.  From wearing no socks the rest of the day, and sitting in this front room.  Blocks o' ice.  So, yeah, that wasn't good.  I kept hoping to get a shower in, but it never got finished.  Bleh.  So I froze my feet waiting on a plan that never took place.

A 71%.

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A dream.  A college course.  Philosophy.

I wasn't sure if the professor was just a cunt, or a sellout, or what.  Still, wasn't happy.  When I'm not happy about something, I go... face it.  Deal with it.  Win, lose, draw?  Be damned.  So, in I went.

14:30

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A good run.  Wasn't sure how long I would be up.  Now I know.  Yes, time to get on to bed.  No shower.  I did get a second meal in.  Oh, meat is so much more pleasant.  I missed it.  Though salad is very good as well.  Would love a shower.  After getting trash and recycling together and out, cooking or prepping other meals, and such, I am just too done in to consider a shower.

Now, the shower is ready.  I'll take one, I am pretty sure, tomorrow.  And the day after.  I have been taking showers daily, until yesterday.  So... I'm good.  But I don't mind taking daily showers if I can find my way to them.  Loverly.

Wonderful.

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Thought I would shower after getting trash and recycling out.  No... just couldn't get to it.  Haven't gotten to it yet.  But... maybe, shortly.

I did get a salad together, and eaten.  Crumbling half the small, pricey, pack of gorgonzola.  Oh, that was delicious.  After a bit, I got half the remaining two thirds of the steak cut and began frying it.  Three minutes, on each side, twice.  Oh, my word, that was delicious.

Not bad.

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It took all night.  Here it is, almost seven, and I just finally got trash and recycling out.  I began collecting it... a while ago.  Three?  four?  Or... maybe five.  Time isn't relevant hereabouts.  It just happens to be a time, or not, some day, of some week, of some month.  Not... my problem.  Until it is, but then... I figure it out or beg borrow and/or steal my way clean.  Paying when I can.

Out, and to the curb.  Not certain it is recycling day.  Which is fine, there is room for more should that not be collected.  Trash to be certain.  ???  Things are saying it is Monday, and I am all but certain it is morning.  Most of the clocks are on 24-hour mode.  But... sometimes clocks do very strange things, or here.  Still... as sure as I can be.

Awake!

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For a while now, almost an hour?  Or so.  I was awake at 21:30, then fell back into the bedroll.  Snuggled with my dreams.  Sadly, no women in them, just warm sleep... like being in a heated cloud comforter.  Good dreams, those.  Finally made it out about an hour later.  And, warm.  I love dreaming of being in a warm wrap, like a big fluffy cotton candy thing, with warmth, and able to breath easily too.

Warm, when I woke.  Still warm now?  Strange.  I haven't turned the furnace up.  It is set to 66.  But, yes, strangely, I am quite warm.  I may not turn the furnace up, being this comfortable.

I'm done.

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I'm just out of life for the day.  I... all but fell asleep sitting here.  Not feeling good.  Not sure I can sleep.  But even just remaining seated isn't possible going forward.  Thankfully I didn't fall out of my chair to this point.

I did get medicine, both sets, and the rest, in.  A few waters, if not as much as I may need.  Food was eaten, and very happily.  Coffee too.

Difficult.

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It is Sunday.  So... good.  I have a slim chance of getting trash and recycling gathered and out, and whatever is to go, to the curb yet on time.  It's slim because just being awake is painful, tiring in ways I can't explain.  It feels like I... became Humpty-Dumpty, and took a great fall.  Cracked, here and there, heart, internals, else.

Light pains.  I don't think a heart attack, or stroke, or anything like that.  What is wrong?  That I can't say.  I am just... hurting around a lot of edges, feeling like a cracked egg but internally not externally, and other just odd sensations.  Plus my heart just feels tired.  Not unusually, or excessively, compared to when it goes that way.  It goes that way, off and on, and has for decades.

A difficult time.

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Wasn't sure I could do much.  Just waking was an issue.  I... tried for a while.  Failed.  Tried for a bit more.  Failed again.  Then, later, finally, did make it out.  It was just about as difficult the time I was able to get up.

The body is sore from exhaustion.  The body, and the heart more than other things.  Oh, I... have forgotten meds, for a day or two.  And haven't been taking full doses, missing my later set fairly often.  I just... have trouble just living.

Why the feminine.

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I have been being plagued by the feminine.  Oh, not a terrible thing, really.  I've certainly been plagued by more terrible things.  Still, I had to ask myself why.  I have been considering the problem for a while now.

No, witches have no power here.  Save any allowances I might grant.  Granted as sisters, mothers, daughters, not as dark practitioners.  I can shut down darkness easily, and do.  I think even they know it.  Not a grace, the price of... being... a certain sort.

So they say.

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The dark and the light.

A response, or... some added thoughts?

One stone hurt the most.

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Some things hurt more than others.  I thought I wanted the least of the pain, maybe not for the full cost?  Death seemed easier than... being called?

Not thrown, spoken.  The dream confounds.

Life is better.

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The phone works, the vehicle can be driven, and I have food.  Very good.

I'm even warm.  A shower a day for the last three days, then washing clothes and having clean warm clothes to wear, and wearing them... layered and rightly, plus donning them before I became frigid, all lead to warmth.  The furnace is at 66 and I am warm as I would wish, without a watchcap.

Good.

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Looks like things are going to move forward.  I can't remember when I woke up, though I am thinking 21:30, roughly, if well.

My feet felt slightly afire, and cold, but were neither.  Not sure what the problem is.  They are room temperature or warmer.  Just... one of those things.

Knock-Knock

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Who is there?

Oh... it's you.

Well?

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I am not sure, but I think I started the last load of laundry.  No dishes started.  Falling down, falling apart, crashing.  I think I am done.  I have been done for an hour or two, just... gliding through, hoping to figure... something else out.  But no.  And I won't be staying up until midafternoon again.  I'll make it just through this post, and then up the steps on to bed.

That shower was wonderful.  Getting laundry going was good.  Would have liked to have gotten dishes loaded, and gotten trash and recycling together and out, but that just wasn't possible.  I hurt.  At least I am warmer.  I've been dressing, and warmly, and right after getting just dry enough after showering.  Still a bit cool, but not frigid, mostly.

Out of food?

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Maybe.  It more depends on if some of the old storage butter is still good, or not.  The last can I opened was a bit rancid, too rancid.  But that can had been kept up here over the summer, at least.  It gets rather warm up here.  Though, even if I find a bit of good butter, that leaves me with veggies and maybe some canned bread.

Shouldn't eat it, but trying to use up my larder.  The bread that is.  Though, to be honest, it doesn't bump my blood sugar too much, unless I eat it daily for a week.  Ask me how I know.  Without butter, I just don't like veggies.  And, while I do have canned meats, they don't go well with this brown bread.  I suppose, eating the bread with a lot of butter, is what keeps the blood sugar spike flatter.

Almost to midnight.

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I made it into the afternoon... 14:00, 14:30?  Not 15:00, beyond 13:30 certainly.  If, as mentioned, I was technically already asleep.  Still, only eight hoursish down.  Annoying, but at least the downtime is shifting, if I can't sleep more.  I'd really like ten to twelve hours of sleep a few days in a row.  That would be nice.  I feel the need, just don't have the means.

A vid keeps popping.  She knows, some things.  We... have had moments, where we feared and were disgusted with each other.  We have considered hating each other.  But, while we have... reasons for some of those ideas, they aren't truths.  Moments, gaining understandings... about ourselves, and each other.  Cow*!  Pig!  Accidents happen?

More things.

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Laundry switched over, given a spin.  Fresh put in.  More to do, soon.  A shower taken, as well.  And dressed, more warmly, if still cold.  I'll try to get more done yet today.  Would like to finish washing blankets in the next few days.

I took a peak outdoors.  It is ten F, so, yes, okay, cold.  It settles in, and around.  Even with the furnace up, it just doesn't warm.

Bullet of God.

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Quite a dream.  Dream?

I saw a bullet.  Some larger three hundred caliber.  Probably .308, as those are favored.  But... it could be one of the sister calibers.  Two marks on it.  Letters.  Not English, or German, or Italian... Greek?  I... was the bullet.

Nearing noon.

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Totally baked, smashed, crashing.  Still, will push as far as I can.

Reminds me of when I used to drink.  To be honest, because of this?  I honestly don't think alcohol was the problem.  Some days, no matter, I feel awful.  Though... I drank to find relief, and sometimes that followed through from the time of drinking to several days or weeks later.  Sometimes not so much.

If you dive?

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Dive deep.  Tea.  I have been drinking tea for years.  Slowly, over time, I have compared and contrasted this and that tea.  I have learned bits, and portions, and notions, and such, but only in parts.  Never a full course on the topic.  Why not?  Because it was... annoying.  I just... wanted tea.  I didn't what to have to think about it.

Finally, though, as I realize better teas are actually worth a bit more money?  But not all?  And then, at some point, tastes, preferences, come into play?  Well... rather than buy $40 of even a few ounces of good tea, but of a sort I didn't like?  I... wanted to look at grade, type, more information to allow me a better chance at choosing a tea I like, at various price points.

Up at twenty hundred.

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I tried to push through.  Couldn't.  Down at noon, if I remember correctly.  Achy, sore, but not terribly bad.  And, will probably get better quickly.  Have the last few days.  Forgot medicine yesterday, back on it today.  Doing what I can.

A few blankets in the wash, first thing.  When they are finished, I'll get a shower.  Or that is the plan.  After the shower, the goal is to empty a bunch of jars, and get them washing in the machine.  As well, possibly, another blanket or two, and some clothes, in and through the wash tonight.  Just enough clothes to get to town and feel like I am not stinky, my clothes are clean and smell fresh.  Just enough for that.  Several layers.  Some tshirts, a few business style shirts or at least dress-casuals.  And a pair of pants or two.  Hmm, and some socks.  Synthetics, as they can be washed with standards.  Then again, my "slacks" are synthetic cargo pocket tradesman type pants.  So... it works.

Stumbling through.

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I have the urge to throw up, go to the bathroom, and go to bed.  None of the urges are strong enough to engage into action.  But, with a mild if solid headache, sleep looks like the direction I will go.  An attempt to hide from the headache, barring taking painpills.  I have to Wednesday, and doubt I would take those even then, at this level of pain.

Bah!  Just not right.

I can stand!

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For days I haven't been able to more than scoot, or limp, along.  Not able to put all my weight even on my heel.  I had to twist my foot, use the edge of it on that foot.  I couldn't even put my full weight just on that heel.  Now I can.  More I can put my full weight on my foot, flat.

I can't walk, with the full weight.  I can stand.  Very nice.  I can mostly walk, mostly regularly.  And, for a short distance, I might be able to take the pain so as to look like I wasn't a gimp.  One should know how dangerous it is out there, for those who are perceived as weak.  I know this.

To understand.

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A dream.  Oh, I... know.  At once, I thought He did as He did to spare life.

It wasn't true.  He was sparing souls.  Many.  The life was just an extra.  Maybe even the point of salvation.  But it... wasn't the goal, just the means?

Good, bad, and confused.

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Better, this morning, or... my night... evening, afternoon?  I think it would be evening, and late evening if I did regular days.  Too late.  Past bedtime really.  So I am thinking that way.

Better, but not all better.  The foot is... completely healed again.  Well, okay, not completely healed.  I am still lightly limping.  But just a bit ago, I was walking on the edge of my foot because I could not put any weight on the flat.  I couldn't even stand.  The swelling, and pain, were too much.  The pain was present even when my foot was lifted so no weight or angular events were occurring.  It just hurt.

Never sure.

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Mockery, encouragement, simping, or... some such?  Had to laugh.  And... not?  I enjoy the show as much as others.  Not always for the same reason.

Hmm?  Oh, video pops that made me do some addition, subtraction, and cross my eyes just a wee.

Food.

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Very good.  Was so hungry.  I did eat yesterday, but not much for a while before.  Oh, and I pretty much ate the steak whole.  Remember, these aren't small.  These are inch and a half steaks.  Steaks, usually, I eat over three to four days.  So I was very hungry.

Chicken arrived.  I ate three, thighs as it turned out.  The store was out of drumsticks.  All good.  Thighs are preferred, to be honest.

When to bed?

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No idea.  Awake around 18:00?  Give or take up to a score.  That's... twenty for you illiterates.  :p  Minutes, for those even less inclined to word and time tech.  :)

I hurt when I went to bed.  Should have gone to bed earlier?  Or... everything is just out of cync.  A bit of each.  And I feel rough on waking.  As if I had a good solid beating a few days ago.  Actually perhaps even just yesterday.  Sometimes I healed extremely quickly, sometimes it hurt badly for a week.  Depending on how many people were beating on me, or how well they were at their chosen temp hobby.  Some men, and boys, hit like girls.  I... almost felt bad for them, especially after I finished.  Almost.

Someone is saying something.

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I mean, technically, I fit in the second group this man discusses.  Beaten, burned, cut, shot, nearly shot, etc.  I haven't seen everything.  I have seen a lot of forms of violence.  Endured?  I would say endured.  I didn't seek it out.  Usually.  Everyone who comes to know violence has to go through a maturing process.  One hopefully they make it through.  So, there were times I was, or tried, to be a bully.

Whether right or wrong, I have gotten my ass handed to me.  Sometimes I pushed through, until I won.  Sometimes I... realized I was wrong and just ate it.  Learning lesson.  One of my favorite losses was absolutely deserved.  Could have been worse, too.  It's strange though?  When you... are right... true?  You can sometimes punch a thousand pounds above your weightclass.  But when you are wrong?  For me, it was like I became glass.

Ouch.

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Not the worst I have felt.  Aches and pains are back.  No other flu symptoms, but that achy creaky body is in full measure against my health and wellbeing.  As well, my toe!  It had recovered, fully.  It was back to only needing a soft limp, and not hurting constantly, or drasticly.  I swear, someone came in last night and hurt it.  Oh, limping down the stairs was horrible this morning.

Oh well.  I'm planning another shower in a bit.  And then planning to get the dishwasher back in action.  Slowly but surely clearing dishes.  If it's a bit crusty, I soak it with other things that have stuff glommed on.  Though, put some things in that were rough, dried on, but not too serious or bad.  And the machine did pretty good.

Had hoped to have been in bed hours ago.

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It just didn't happen.  So tired, but...  Now, I did get a shower in.  It was wonderful.  I didn't get more dishes started.  That will happen, when it happens.  When I can.  It will.  I'll get through things as quickly as I can.  I just ran out of time, space, energy, and more.

But that shower was fantastic, and overdo.  Needed, wanted, warming, and delicious.  I had hoped to get through it, then to bed, in order to do some things out and about today.  Not... possible.  But... I do have what is needed.  I just need to be awake at the right time, have enough energy, and remain clean.  So... I'll be showering daily, through the weekend.  As well, get the dishes going.

Shower time.

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I'll have tea after?  Maybe.  The dishwasher finally popped open, it does that on it's auto dry setting.  Which... doesn't really work?  Then again, I haven't seen a comparison of it not auto drying, so... maybe it works?  Ah... when I get loads down correctly, I'll compare.

Oh, plus, check the temperature and humidity in the house.  I think I have barometer too.  There are... other things.  But those three should manage an accurate enough comparison.  Though I'd have to chart these things?  And, preferably, run the loads at the same time of the day?  Or give or take.  At certain times of the day, temp fluctuations are minimal.  I could probably do a load at, say, ten.  Then do loads from noon on to 17:00 and have them all be relatively static.

Must remember.

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I reloaded the dishwasher, with the last of the really large, bulky, items and what else I could add while leaving a lot of room to make sure things get clean.  Of course, taking out what had been washed and putting those things away.  Better.  I... love when things get done.

I have been working on these things for a while.  Or... planning them, intending to do them, such.  I just couldn't stand, or walk well, for long.  It wasn't just the swollen feet and legs, though that was a part of it.  It was memory, focus, and such, as well.  A bit better, on all fronts.  Medicine, this time, is helping more than crushing me.  Though I'm not suffering heat.  The cold can get to me, but it's not usually as bad.  I can handle the cold much better than the heat, even as I have vastly improved my heat tolerance as blood sugar has tempered.  Ugh.

It has started.

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Yesterday, really.  Dishes, the dishwasher... loading and running.  Two loads, so far.  Not huge loads.  I have a lot of odd sized items.  Pots, pans, large utensils, plus a ton of flatware.  All of it.  Two sets, essentially, plus extra odds and ends such as oriental stainless soup spoons (very nice for stews and other liquid based meals), extended teaspoons (think for shakes, back in the day), and some normal things.

Two loads through, and emptied.  One load going now.  A few more loads to go?  I don't know.  I'm not very good at getting things in.  And the large sized items make that a bit confusing for me.  I'll... learn, as I go along.  After this load, I'll try to get, say... a third to half of what is left in and through in the next load?  Who knows.  I'll keep at it, now that I have it going.

Sleep is sliding.

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Every day, lately, sleep has been sliding a few to several hours.  Up at 18:00?  Give or take a half hour.  Down around eight?  Noon?  I just can be sure.  I just know that... waking at 18:00ish is opposed to waking around six a week or two ago?  Time is sliding.  I have no idea when or what... was happening... for some time now.  I'm lost in sleep, partial wakefulness, the dark, and cold.

I keep trying to play the game, but have no ability to focus well enough to play.  I would guess I have played less than two hours in the last two weeks.  And... I want to play, I just don't have a way to get to it.  I haven't been cooking, much.  Or eating.  Mostly drinking water.  I am back to medicine.

Food and the q.o.d. visiting?

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I've been trying to figure some things out, or again, more, better?  Or such.  I need to begin eating more often again, but more meat again.  Though, a few additives, such as salads thus dressings are also in the mix.

So, some things showed.  I grabbed one or two, went looking for a few others, and found a nice little collection.

Boi, was that HOT.

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I had put together an 'italian' dressing a while back.  Forgot it, and the romaine.  Strangely enough, the lettuce is still good.  The dressing is fine, having been put into an airtight container, if left at room temp.

Olive oil, the best and surest I could find at an affordable (enough) price, apple cider vinegar with the mother, salt, both black and white pepper, several italian favored spices and herbs, and of course some heat.  I think I even used the older hot spice, just a bit more of it.

Dishes, and missed again.

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Don't take it personally.  Trust me when I say, a free meal, I wouldn't have to cook myself, or clean up after, is... golden.  Saying hello to real people, without going into some sort of personal debt is also golden.  I... do like to see people.  I don't get to, often.  Even though I may be strange, I am more simple than it might seem.  A few minutes of talk, an hello here or there, perhaps news or information, local, regional, or larger, is always interesting.

I don't miss things lightly.  I miss things because I am a broken device which can't sleep, or wake, walk well, or am in some level of pain.  Currently, walking very well is a bit beyond my ability.  My feet burn.

Something makes sense, now.

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Remember the vid, on Neanderthals?  Right.  And the notions that they had huge lungs, a trait I share?  Well, regardless if this is due to genetic connections, there has always been a problem, for me.  Having huge lungs is great.  But, without a big nose by which to carburate air?  I choke, often.  I NEED more air.  Always have.  Always felt like if my nose just had bigger inlets life would be better.  And it would be.  I've got a smaller, for my size almost delicate, nose.

Yes.  That came to me earlier in the day.  It always feels blocked up, even when it plainly isn't.  And things like vick's, while it helps in some ways, it doesn't help nearly enough.  A bit late in life for a consideration, but if I was younger, I would have considered altering my nose so as to bring in more air.

Roasted chicken and cabbage.

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Not a fancy meal?  Though, rather a bit of a luxury, given the cost.  Cabbage is cheap, whole roasters, even by lower per pound prices, given how much bone there is, actually is a richer meal.  Not prime rib or ribeye prices.  Though, probably closer, by actual pound of meat, than might be suspected?

All I know is that it came out well.  Juicy, not overdone, tasty.  I did brine it for an hour or two.  Salt, but onion and garlic powder, rosemary, sage, and... something else.  Yes, it did impart a wonderful taste and aroma.  The cabbage was quite good too.

Someone speaks.

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Using tools I have used for tongues.

Knowing yourself, and your enemy, will only lead to victory, if you are true.

Rough.

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I ate too much yesterday.  And... everything in the line just... stopped.  Plus, with the beans making gas, it made for a miserable night.

I was able to put out some, and pee a bit.  But I was absolutely stuff, plus bloating, all through the night.  Though, the last two hours, or so, ended up being better.  Must have passed enough gas, through the night, and voided pee enough, to allow some comfort finally.

Even guys?

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Oh, I... recognized some things.  Or... saw what others were seeing, saying.  So I... went there.  Mostly chicks, I thought.  Guys, too, it seems.

Now I'm wondering.  Pretty sure even the guys seem to think so?

Pudding?

Proof.

Awake.

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Woke just after noonthirty.  Not feeling great, but not as bad as it has been.  The aches and pains are back, but lightly.  The toe knuckle isn't screaming, isn't even swollen?  The skin on the feet still burn, if more gently.  Hobbling about is doable, mostly.  And without agony, just slight suffering.

Exhausted, if not sleepy.  A form of being tired that simply means I don't have much energy, focus, or access to memory all that well, and yet can't really sleep.